(SWORD CLANKING)
(GASPS)
(GRUNTS)
(SWORDS CLANKING)
(GRUNTS)
Argh!
Not bad...
For a newb.
(SHOUTS)
Shit!
You're a stuck pig, lad.
Rude.
Come on, on your feet.
(PANTING)
Look, am I here for a reason?
As you know, I am your spirit guide.
And although the ancient laws prohibit Sean Bean
from interfering in the affairs of men...
I've laid on a treat for you.
Oh.
Call it an early birthday present.
Are we're going to Comic‐Con together?
I'm not going to Comic‐Con, we'd get fuckin' mobbed.
No, it's time you took a wench to the barn.
Sorry... What?
You know, pour your custard in the pudding. Stew your mutton.
(STAMMERS) Are these metaphors?
Pounce a peacock.
Right, you're just saying words now.
Look,
it's time you lost your virginity, lad.
I had sex with Angelique
on my French exchange!
Sheath your sword.
Right, there you go again.
I mean, do you mean that literally or is that another dig?
Dunno, both.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, Skyscanner's got a flight to South Korea.
Is that the dictator one?
Gangnam Style one.
Oh, I like that video.
Maybe I'll go to South Korea.
Do you think you'll make it, though?
I mean, you didn't make it to India. Or London.
Or the Co‐op.
So I was supposed to be going to this sex party
with the Holy Man and this girl we met on Snapchat,
but she can't make it because she's pregnant
and she doesn't want to run into any of the "dads".
So there's a spare ticket.
And we thought... Morph?
Early birthday present?
(ANGELIC CHORUS)
Early birthday present.
Good way to lo lose the V‐plates?
Alison. Angelique. French exchange.
Right, so we're all still... That's still a...
I will come to this party,
to continue my adult sexual adventure.
Sorted.
So what is this sex party?
Big mansion, guest list only, anyone can have sex with anyone.
‐Anyone? ‐Anyone.
(ANGELIC CHORUS)
Would've invited everyone but obviously that would be weird for...
ALL: Pfft! (CHUCKLES)
Why would that be weird?
Well because you two...
Yeah, but it didn't mean anything and Kent went straight to Bristol after.
Yeah, and Sarah didn't even stop me or try and call me for a year, so...
(SCOFFS)
Okay. So not weird at all.
‐Might be weird for him. ‐Might be weird for her.
Okay, I'll get the Holy Man to put you on the guest list.
Here's a picture of Angelique.
That's just an image search.
For sexy French girl.
Yeah. And she came up first, so...
Gorgeous.
Yeah.
So, what do we wear to a sex party anyway?
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(CAR DOOR BANGS)
Yeah. Okay.
Fucking hell.
(GRUNTS)
Okay. Next stop, sex party.
Before we set off, ground rules.
What? Like, no kissing on the mouth?
Mate it's not Pretty Woman.
‐Oh, so you have seen Pretty Woman, Kent? ‐Fuck!
How about, between us, no direct contact?
Let's say indirect contact only.
Like contact through another person?
Shall we say two people?
‐Yeah, that's good. ‐Seems fair.
‐Logical. ‐ALL: Yeah.
And whatever happens in there,
we never talk about again. Ever.
Like, if someone walks in and I'm wearing a strap‐on
pegging some dude.
You can't rag on me about it forever.
You're into pegging?
No, I was just using that as an example.
Just came to you pretty quickly though, didn't it?
Oh, I've got one.
I don't want to see anyone's "O" face.
That goes without saying.
What if it happens by accident, Alison?
Er...
Right, another rule, you and me never in the same room.
If I were you, I'd steer clear of Room 42.
Why?
What happens in Room 42?
You come face to face with who you really are.
Condoms.
Femidoms.
Covering all the angles.
Protein bars.
For recovery.
Verruca sock?
In case there's a wet room.
Four cans of energy drink.
Don't know how long it's gonna be.
Sudoku?
There might be a waiting area.
Why do you have a knife?
For the, er, (CLEARS THROAT) oysters.
Behave yourself.
Fine.
This is just his ticket printed out again.
Oh, what, does that not work?
Course that doesn't fucking work!
KENT: For fuck's sake.
I was really looking forward to having sex
with all them strangers.
Not as much I was.
Or with as many of them.
I'll handle this. Hey, let them in!
I am not going into a sex party without my sister!
Mate, just go in. It's weird.
Well, I bet you're bloody relieved.
What are you talking about?
Well, works out well for you, doesn't it?
You get to say you're gonna do something then don't actually do it. Like...
India.
Kent, India and group sex are completely different.
Not according to my uncle.
If I'd have got in there
I would have had the biggest fucking orgy of my life,
and you would've bottled it.
No, I would've marched right into the middle of that orgy
‐and fucking nailed it. ‐Ha!
Bullshit.
Kent, what do you want me to do?
You want me to break in and prove it?
(CRASHING)
What are you doing?
I'm wiping for fingerprints.
What, in case the sex police come?
MAN: Hello?
Hello?
MAN: I need some help. Can you let me out?
Fucking hell!
I think I've been forgotten about.
Can you let me out?
(TREMBLING)
Yeah, sure.
Don't fuckin' do it!
Huh?
It's part of the game, I'm pleading.
All right, then. Bye.
Can you leave the doors open, please?
What are you fucking doing?
Fuck's sake.
Okay.
Last chance to back out.
I'm not backing out.
Unless you're backing out.
I'm not backing out.
Then good, because I'm not either.
‐Gonna have some sex. ‐Yeah. Me too.
Good.
(R&B MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, you made it in, then?
Is this it?
Oh no, there's also a buffet.
Ah, come on, mate, not in the dip.
(MUFFLED) Hmm?
‐Where's Holy Man? ‐Mingling.
I barely see him at these things.
He gets massive phomo,
so he works out his timetable beforehand.
I just meet him after for a Calippo.
So Morph, wanna hit the mattresses?
(GULPS) Oh, right. (CLEARS THROAT)
Is that what we're doing, then?
Well, that's why you're here, isn't it?
Listen, before we go into that
dimly lit area, I need to tell you something.
It concerns my virginity,
and it may come as a bit of a shock.
What, you have lost it?
No. I'm saying I haven't.
‐No! ‐No. No.
‐ALL: No! ‐Shut the front door!
I did not expect that.
Because it was a very well‐constructed lie.
And I'm sorry for deceiving you so expertly.
But what about Angelique?
I'm sorry to say I made her up.
But what about all those emails
you've been showing us for the past eight years?
Fake. I hoodwinked you all.
But that would mean you'd have to set up a fake email address,
send yourself emails,
then reply to yourself over and over again
for eight years!
Which is why you were all so convinced.
And I feel bad about it.
I don't think you need to, mate.
But the truth is
I've never given away my flower
because I wanted my first time
to be with someone special.
Maybe I can help with that.
(I DON'T WANT TO WAIT PLAYING)
Because everyone in here's really up for it
and they've already had the menopause,
so low risk.
Yeah, makes sense.
Come on.
(WHIP CRACKS)
MAN: Take it, slag!
All right, you filthy bastards!
Wanna try some of that?
Oh yes!
I don't know, is there anything a bit less... Spanky?
Not really.
I don't really understand the process.
Do you have sex after the spanking?
Or is the spanking like a test?
You won't know unless you try.
This is my virginity we're talking about, not Dr. Pepper.
Get involved!
All right.
Er, excuse me,
is there a queue or is it a num...
You do exactly what I say, maggot!
Mr Rogerson?
Man alive!
Paul Durkin? I haven't seen you since...
GCSE Geography.
How are you?
‐(WHIP CRACKS) ‐MAN: Argh!
Yeah, good. I mean, feel a bit weird right now.
I remember you did the best oxbow lake coursework
I've ever read.
Thank you, sir.
I spent the whole summer on that.
I mean, I can't believe you remember!
Well you don't forget when a boy hands in a CD‐ROM.
So, er, you still teaching?
No. No.
Got into a bit of bother with that.
I'm a postman now.
Right.
You had a sister, didn't you.
Very pretty. Is she here?
She... Died.
‐(WHIP CRACKS) ‐MAN: Ooh!
Don't look for her.
Go, go, go, go, go!
Have it, you dirty cow!
So, Mr Rogerson is a perv.
Yup.
Turns out it's always the ones you do suspect.
Well, we can always try the sploshing chamber.
Alison, I don't think this is working out.
Excuse me? Can one of you untie me?
Mate, we've heard about you.
We know you don't want us to untie you.
I know I said that, but that was an hour ago.
And it's really cutting off my circulation.
He's quite convincing, isn't he?
You've over‐thinking this.
We just need to get you shagged.
No. This whole party isn't working for me.
I want romance, some ceremony.
MAN: I can't feel my balls!
I don't think you're gonna find that here.
‐I might do if I was with you... ‐Fuckin' hell.
No, wait I didn't mean...
Check out that lot.
(MEN CHANTING)
You're not gonna get much more ceremonious than that.
Hmm.
It does look a bit less spanky.
Go on. Enjoy yourself.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
See what they're up to.
MAN: Please. Help me.
You need a safe word, mate.
I have got a safe word, it's "tomato". It's "tomato".
All right! All right! I'm coming.
What the fuck you doing?
You said tomato!
It's not the real safe word!
Well, what's the real one?
You'll never hear me say it.
(BANGS DOOR)
(WOMAN MOANS LOUDLY)
Eh, so the drink tokens only cover house white and Lilt,
so I got two of each.
Ah! The old Yeovil martini.
So, er, are we just gonna neck these and then...
‐... get on it? ‐Yes.
Do you think any younger people are gonna turn up?
I really hope so.
Hey.
Where have you been?
Room 39.
(IRONIC PLAYING)
(SHIVERS)
All right, fucknots.
Where's Morph? Did he find a room full of imaginary French girls?
No, he went into this weird room upstairs with all these Eyes Wide Shut peeps.
Oh no.
Room 42.
(MEN CHANTING)
(GONG STRIKES)
Hello.
Fucking hell.
Who are you?
My name is Angelica.
Kind of like a English Angelique.
(CHUCKLES) If it pleases.
(CHUCKLES)
Sorry, we are in process. I can't let you in at this time.
Or you ever, after...
Fair enough.
Room 42 adheres to a strict set of rules
that we take very seriously.
(BOTH SNICKER)
Are you laughing at my... Penis?
Mmm‐mmm.
No.
What about my penis do you find funny?
I mean, it's disproportionately large for your frame.
(STRANGLED SNICKER)
And it kind of waggles up and down when you tell us off.
It is a bit of a horse cock, mate.
Right, so we're playing silly‐buggers, are we?
Please leave or I'll be forced to call the Dungeon Master.
All right, listen, Voldemort, we're not in fucking Hogwarts, right.
We're 10 minutes outside of Yeovil.
So can you please open the fucking door!
Where's your wristband?
Spliff?
Spliff.
Feels nice.
Good.
I should probably tell you,
it's my first time.
Mine too.
(GONG)
They're pretty synchronised.
Shh.
Sorry.
So, er, what happens next?
Kneel down with me.
Close your eyes.
Okay.
And also your mouth.
What?
Argh!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Argh! (GAGS)
Hey, be honest, do you think if you'd stayed in there you'd actually have sex?
I want to say no, but
I haven't had a shag in fucking ages.
Maybe if there were more drink tokens.
All right, so you didn't have sex with Dreadhead?
Heavy petting.
What about the Batman?
Nah.
But that might be because I stabbed him.
It's been pretty dry too, for me, to be fair, since I got back.
But there were loads of girls in Brizzle, right?
Nada.
I don't think I've had sex since...
Me too.
Kent?
Yeah?
Is that man wanking?
Mr Rogerson!
Kent Blackwell.
How you keeping?
Oi! Shoo!
Get out of it!
What the fuck happened to you?
I don't want to talk about it.
Morpheus got pissed on!
Oh, so we're just talking about it, are we?
You got off lightly, mate.
When I was in Room 42...
I'm gonna go back in.
Open the gates!
At least you can save it for someone special.
Mate, put a towel down.
I didn't bring a towel.
SARAH: You brought fucking oysters.
There's one in the boot.
Me again.
(GRUNTS)
Well,
you win some, you lose some.
Is that all you've got to say about it?
You do know six men pissed on me, right?
Maybe there's a lesson in it.
‐What? ‐I don't know, I...
Be... Be yourself?
Is that the best you've got?
You laid this on for me. I thought you had a plan, Sean?
I'm managing it from a distance.
I don't have boots on the ground.
Remember,
I'm just your subconscious.
You've got to take some responsibility.
No, actually, I think you've got to take some responsibility.
‐You what? ‐You've been a shit spirit guide.
Now it's time I killed you.
Killed me?
Come on, Sean Bean.
You die in everything.
Yeah, fair enough.
Morpheus?
Yes?
Make it a clean strike.
I'll try my best,
but it's my first time, so...
You'll do fine.
(SWORD CLANKING)
Aah!
Sean Bean.
But I just killed you.
One does not simply kill Sean Bean.
Oh, my God.
Best day ever!
MAN: Bosh!