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This is the one you've been waiting for.
I'ne state's two most dangerous hitters
facing off in the one and only killerfornia battle league.
X-trakt versus behn grym.
And this ain't finna be no increase the peace rap.
They gon' talk about shootin' the motherfucker,
killin a motherfucker and fuckin' the motherfucker"s bitch.
This battle might just spike the murder rate more than Reagan inventing crack cocaine.
So if you ain't with that, turn this shit off and suck a dick!
They like: "Yo, x-trakt,
why you always talk about the thugs and the tecs,
the slugs and the feds, the drugs and the checks?
I give 'em a 360,
shrug to the neck.
Like, this is a battle rap, motherfucker, what you expect?
I don't care if he was lean sipper or you sippin' at me look at my team squeeze triggers,
blow his guts out, see if he got a clean liver.
Boy, you look mad fake like them high-frame-rate TV pictures.
You think you behn grym, I'll leave him stretched out, you Reed Richards!
Fantastic four when I let the palm cock.
When I let the thing go "pop pop,” you can tell that he ain't a hard rock.
Adam. Adam.
What did that one mean?
It's superhero lines. The other guy's name is behn grym,
which is the thing's alter ego from fantastic four.
Reed Richards is the leader of the group, the stretchy guy.
Yeah, that part 1 got. What's the other meaning?
He was "letting go" of a "thing." What's the thing?
It's a gun. It's a gun metaphor.
Probably just assume everything is a gun metaphor.
Vmimm.
And I'll kill anybody on this artist stage.
Y all know my slogan: Get this trash outta here. - It's garbage day!
What you gonna do, grym? He just called you garbage, what you gonna do?
You said you got the thing on you.
Where's it at?
Is it there?
Is it here?
I guess they must call your gun "sue storm," 'cause that bitch just disappeared.
So he should do the right thing and walk away before I beat him to death.
'Cause he gon' feel the hate in these punches,
I'm radio raheem with the left!
This motherfucker go online and Google "food porn", as it's known to you...
Porn.
You so fat when you tuck a gun in your waist, you need to use a fuckin' shoe horn.
Uh=uh.
I'm going take it past rap, catch him not looking and drain the Mac fast.
The way I blind sided this fat nigga, Sandra bullock couldn't save his black ass!
Yeah, that's right.
You used to be the shit.
But lately x fell in tiers.
It's the same as you outgrowing your shirt sizes.
We ain't seen x excel in years!
Why does he keep saying "x" so much?
He's doing name flips. The guy's name is x-trakt. Thus the "x" bars.
” " B ars?"
It comes from the music term. Like a bar of music.
Except in battle rap it has a specific connotation, a bar instead of a line.
And the difference is?
It's hard to explain. More wordplay? Most bars are based on homophones... "X excel, l."
Oh, so if there's a homophobe, it's a bar.
Homophone.
He be givin' way more than just hugs and kisses to the ex-ho x owe.
A'ight.
You wifed up a slut who gets piped down religiously like she some sorta rasta.
And you let her raise your seed, what, you thought you found a whoreto-culture.
Your baby boy is born, she gotcha.
I know you wish you woulda left that load in the ho's mouth.
How your name x-trakt when you don't know when to pull out?
Now that is a bar!
Oh, okay, I get it. So the defining characteristic of a "bar"
is just how much gross misogyny you can cram into one sentence.
Don't worry, it's... it's all an act. I don't think x-trakt even has kids.
It's all for the sake of wordplay.
Puns about hating women. Aww.
Look, I don't know how anybody can be a good person
Whoo.
See, I just dug your grave so they can put your fat-ass corpse into.
It's so ironic, as much as you lift a fork, now they gotta forklift you!
This is my chance, be right back.
Uh, behn? That was amazing. It was intense.
Adam. We spoke on Twitter?
Reporter, right?
Academic, actually. Grad student. I'm working on my master's thesis.
What're you doing?
It's an english ma program...
I know what a thesis is. What are you doing it on?
Oh... the varied poetic functions of the n-word in battle rap.
That shit was tight, wolf, you killed him. That xoxo bar? Fire.
- Respect. - Respect.
- Respect. Respect. - Respect.
I'm interested in how the n-word can be used as an intensifier
for both comedic and intimidatory effect,
or in some cases as a rhythmic flourish to hit a particular flow.
Yo, grym!
My girl wanna suck your dick, and I don't even mind.
Respect.
I'm also interested in the racial identity aspect.
Ror example, how puerto ricans and Dominicans use it to signify their African ancestry.
So you from New York?
I'm at Berkeley now, but yeah. How'd you know?
Well you just mentioned puerto ricans and Dominicans.
If you were from Cali, you would've said Mexicans.
So Mexicans use the n-word too?
Well, it all depends, you know. Definitely in the bay, a'ight? Especially east Oakland,
you know, they be givin' all types of people passes over there.
You don't remember a few years back, that white chick v-nasty?
Sure. She got some attention from kreayshawn when she had that one hit
because they were in the same crew, right?
That was a battle rapper who wrote that one hit for her.
I'm good, man.
Things gon' be different in la, especially with that gang shit.
No Mexicans going down there saying it without the hard "er."
This is great, man. Thank you.
Look, if you really want a nigga pass, your best bet? Move back to New York.
Claim you about a quarter Spanish.
Hmm. Maybe an eighth.
Or I could just move to east Oakland.
You better off claiming you Spanish.
Why would you... I'm not trying to get a pass.
Any time a white boy acts who can say "nigga," it's because he really wanna say "nigga."
It's just the subject of my thesis.
So you want to write “nigga.”
Oh shit, behn fucking grym! Nigga, you gotta do a shot with me.
- Respect. - Respect!
This is definitely a crash course.
What, he's my favorite battle rapper!
Why you talking to me, hmm?
There's plenty other n-words you could be asking about n-words.
I guess it just made sense to start with my favorite writer.
Your structure is crazy, man.
The way that most battlers write, they do the wordplay
but the lines don't connect with each other.
But with your stuff, the setup and the punch line all flows together, conceptually
and then all ties back into a larger theme or idea. It's like a master essay.
So you read essays all day about letting the chopper spray?
Respect.
Next question.
There you are! I've been looking forever. What's a "jump off"?
Sorry. This is my girlfriend Maya. Maya, this is behn grym.
Hey. I am really glad that I get to talk to you about this.
I mean, I was super surprised at the end by your battle there...
Maya, I don't think that this is really a good time...
They didn't announce a winner or anything! I mean, what's up with that?
Oh, that. Judged battles aren't really a thing anymore.
You gotta blame your own coast for that.
Buncha delusional just-can't-admit-when-they-lost motherfuckers.
New York hasn't lost a rap battle in ten years.
I clearly won, though.
Oakland, is y'all in here?
If you got any drugs left, you need to let them shits circulate through your system right now,
'cause this next match finna be on some unprecedented seismic event type shit, ya dig!
Rapper on my left, state your name, playa.
And it's ya boy big zee. Shout out to Oakland, the whole 510. Let's get it.
And the rapper to my right needs no introduction, but I'm gonna let him talk his shit anyway.
Megaton, bitch!!!
Is that guy stable?
A criminal jury may one day have to rule on that question.
I'm the only reason these people here know what your name is,
but you gon' be like Kim k after we tape this
and I'm gonna be like ray j, since I'm the dickhead that's making you famous.
As far as these fans, I told y'all from before,
I'm the one that opened up this door, yeah, I showed you my support.
So now I'm like Khloe when she goin' through divorce,
'cause I can leave the ring now since I don't owe them anymore.
Man, black chicks love me, they think I'm an awesome person,
and they always flirtin', you can tell this chick here probably wants some persian,
as soon as I walked in and took off my turban, she got on the floor and she started twerkin'.
Fuck your life, fuck your wife, fuck your whole entire existence.
Man, if I seen bill cosby slip your wife a pill in her drink
and I was the only eyewitness, I would mind my own business.
Yeah, yeah.
Me and you, man, we ain't the same, you nothing but a fake character.
Man, we ain't from the same caliber,
give me space, man, step back, this fist is a face damager.
Give me distance and space or I'll leave your face with stitches like game's manager
yo, get outta my face.
Well, that's all for this event.
What do you mean? There's two more after...
Get outta my fuckin' face!
Jesus!
That's what I mean.
Damn, mega really suckered dude, bruh.
Ain't no sucker. He warned him twice.
What he supposed to do? Narrate it on some "march of the penguins” shit?
Well, we should probably take off. Thanks again for everything.
Make sure you send me that draft when you done.
Make sure you don't say nothing wild out of pocket.
Yeah. Of course.
Bye! You definitely won that.
I said yo!
It's Billy pistolz, man.
Let me talk to you for a quick second. A'ight.
So I just saw you on the stage, but I wanna know if you rep that real hip-hop shit,
so what's good with you and me getting it in right now?
If you really real, I'm ready to battle right now.
Right now.
Look, man, I just finished a battle...
I don't need a stage, we can do this shit the street way,
shoot at his ride, it's like a helicopter accident how I got this chopper on the freeway.
Shells as big as coconuts,
that's what I'm sendin' him.
And your girl? I won't skip-her,
but after I'm done with you, I'ma kill-again.
Did you just try to make “kill again" sound like "gilligan"?
Man, niggas out here dropping gilligan's island bars, bruh.
Man, that whole squad on that real shit, only god can judge us.
When we servin' it's like a hot plate,
- I warn you not to touch us... - Alright, alright, alright.
I'ma let one of the lil' homies handle this.
How about my young white boy here?
He's a killer.
Actually, I don't rap.
So what's good, then?
You heard what I spit, do you really think you can fuck with Billy pistolz, man?
If that's the case, then spit your shit!
Spit. Your. Shit.
Okay. Oh!
Sup?
You're here trying to battle behn grym,
'cause he's got the kind of stardom you seek.
But you'll never reach that bar, 'cause all your bars are a reach.
You clearly wish you had a darker brown skin tone.
You're suffering from "I-wanna-be-down" syndrome.
And also down's syndrome.
You've been a dad since you were still a teen, but it's not how it really seems.
That kid is not your son, he doesn't have a single Billy gene.
You spit all this gun talk of a violent mind at work.
But got nothing to back it up with, that's a Miley Cyrus twerk!
Miley Cyrus just bodied gilligan's island!
Pistolz!
Where you learn that shit?
I do some beat poetry sometimes.
Fuck a thesis, you got bars!
Did that just happen? I can't believe that just happened.
It happened.
Can you tell me if my hand is still shaking? This was the greatest day of my life.
You didn't tell me that you rap.
I don't.
Sometimes when I watch battles, lines will just pop in my head, but this time I just... said it.
It's really not that different than my poetry performances.
Words are weapons.
'Cause when the poets take up their arms together,
it's what the, it's what the mindless troops fear.
Yeah, I thought we agreed you weren't gonna do that.
Sure, sure, we did.
I destroyed that guy, though. Don't you think?
You beat him. I mean, I have a few notes that I would give you, here and there.
It's so crazy seeing people react like that to poetry!
Writers like you and me, we submit to journals
hoping to get read by, what, a hundred subscribers?
What's a good turnout for one of those slam poetry nights... a couple dozen at best?
But then you have these guys who are doing competitive poetry,
which is what it really is, and they're selling out venues.
They're getting tens of thousands, even millions of views on YouTube
and they're getting paid for it!
This, this is what's happening in poetry right now.
And instead we're giving awards to middle-aged Canadian men
publishing postmodern inuit fiction.
Not that qitsualik-tinsley isn't fantastic.
Okay, so, what? You want the Swedish academy
to start awarding a nobel prize for rap battles?
Well... no.
But what if I were to do it for real?
Like, battle and...
Oh, you're serious.
Babe. I mean, you don't exactly have a "center stage" personality.
Do you really want to be another white guy
shamelessly appropriating African-American culture?
I mean, we don't need macklemore, we need mackle-less.
Yeah. - I mean, you're not like that other white guy back there.
And that works in your favor. I mean, you don't want to be like those guys.
Trust me.
Yeah.
Yeah. Youre right.
On page four twenty-three,
dostoevsky has maximov quote what he calls a sarcastic epigram:
You're sappho, I'm phaon, agreed.
But there's one thing still troubling me:
You don't know your way to the sea.
Now the poet batyushkov is referring to the popular legend that sappho,
rejected by her lover phaon, killed herself by jumping from a seaside cliff.
That's actually just my second favorite poetic retort of all time.
The first is of course from ll cool j,
who was told by a rival rapper that his tracks were too commercial
and that, quote, "ninety-nine percent of his fans wear high heels,"
whereupon ll responded with the immortal line:
"Yeah, but ninety-nine percent of his fans don't exist."
So let's see your drakes and your Nicki Minaj'es
drop a philosophical paradox to that complex.
Thanks, guys.
Ladies, Seinfeld is a seminal text,
but for sheer sartrean dread, I mean, you can't beat friends.
Coffee shops and existentialism just go together. Right? I'll see you ladies later.
I was wondering if you had a minute to talk about my thesis subject.
What was it... battle rap, right? Yeah.
I thought you had some great material.
You know, I'm just spitballing here,
but maybe what you should do is compare modern day rappers
to ancient Japanese samurai and their poetic mastery of haiku and waka.
Wait a minute, sounds familiar.
Is it possible somebody wrote that paper back in the '90s? Oh, yeah, that was me.
I know. But if you look at the scene going on now,
I really think you'd see that it's really quite different.
Look, Adam,
don't you want to forge your own path here?
"Who doesn't wish for their own father's death" and all that. Look, be original.
That's the whole point of the humanities.
You can make up whatever bullshit you want
as long as youre smart enough to justify it.
Write about the rise of comic book movies
as the ultimate crisis in the American male psyche.
Actually, don't. That's good, I'm keeping it.
Sorry to have wasted your time.
Hey, Adam, you coming to the house party tonight?
As long as you wear a shirt besides that one.
Yeah. Sure.
Hey, and call your mother. She worries about you out here.
Sure thing, dad.
So he shut you down entirely?
I don't know if I would say "shut down."
Really? Because it sounds like he heard your idea
and took a giant shit all over it, and then used that shit
to fertilize a garden growing organic, certified gmo-free vegetables
which he then ate and shit all over your idea again.
Okay, I'll say "shut down."
I know it's intimidating being the son of probably the most famous literary critic
in the country, but you need to stand up for yourself.
Yeah, you're right.
Although, you should change your thesis topic.
Yeah, you're right.
I mean, I respect your enthusiasm for researching across cultural boundaries,
but think about the kind of culture you're validating.
What if instead you were to discover and advocate for the next angelou or Baldwin,
or even, oh, the next shakur.
Ooh, like Tupac?
Assata.
Ooof.
Can't campus security do anything about that?
Not unless he's causing a disturbance.
The best part of full communism
is going to be when everyone has equal access to hygiene products.
Jdd
So mailer told me that being a father was the most rewarding thing in his life.
And I told him, "you must have never tried cocaine."
When you look at a diamond, you might as well just see a sad little baby arm,
because that's what it cost.
Adam, you must love having your dad work at the university.
Getting to come to these swanky dinner parties?
Rubbing shoulders with the Berkeley elite? It's amazing.
“Love” is a strong word. As is "dad."
Bit of a different vibe than that rap battle you guys went to, I bet.
Oh, my god, Becky.
You should have heard the violence and misogyny that these people were cheering for,
you would have been horrified.
What's this I heard about you battling someone, Adam? Do tell.
Ugh. This weird guy came up to us in the parking lot after
and out of nowhere, he just starts rapping at us. And Adam rapped back at him.
And I won!
Just to not leave you hanging on the outcome.
That is so cool! I didn't even know that you rapped!
He doesn't.
I don't. I just like coming up with lines for people, for fun.
Ooo, do me! Like, what you would say to me if we were battling right now?
1 don't think so.
Do me! You can say anything you want.
Do me!
Yeah, do Becky!
Sorry. There's just nothing to insult about you guys.
Okay.
You know, something that I'll never understand about this rap stuff is
the "shoot this, shoot that, shoot the dog, shoot... shoot the grandma.”
I just, I mean talk about contributing to your own stereotypes.
Jon! That is so racist.
I mean, you can hardly blame a marginalized group for their own internalized white supremacy,
when society has been actively enforcing it since its inception.
Well actually, that's racist.
You're positing a total lack of self-determination on the minority's part.
I've always seen African-American rappers' hyperbole as self-aware.
Like, we know this is what white people think of us,
so we're more than happy to sell it back to you.
Ugh. Okay. So now you're just treating an entire racialized group as a monolith.
I mean, that is way more racist.
I can't be racist. I'm Asian.
Asian people can definitely be racist.
Racism is the systemic oppression of people of color.
I'm a person of color. Ergo, not racist.
Oh, please. Asians are not "people of color." You're more like off-white.
Okay, um, can we at least all agree that that was racist?
Yes. Yes.
I'm sorry.
You know what. My inner proud black woman says, "fuck all you bitches."
So wait. Robert can literally claim to be a black woman,
but you don't think that that's racist?
He's expressing the well-known historic affinity between gay and black culture, Adam.
Don't be such a fucking homophobe.
- Hello? - What it do, cuh?
We out here tryna book this next event, you feel me,
and you know I needed to holla at the parking lot predator
aka blacktop assassin aka the nerd who needs no revenge
- and see what's poppin” witchu. - I think you have the wrong number.
Nah, g. This is Donnie narco, head of the killerfornia battle league's new talent recruitment
and all types of other legal shit.
Is this a prank?
Your exaggerated ebonics is offensive.
See, you a funny dude.
The homie behn grym said you committed some first-degree murder outside the last event.
Some get investigated by a podcast type shit.
Wait. You're actually from kbl?
Shut the front door!
Adam, shut the front door, please.
So check it. We got a tryout card comin' up in two weeks.
You got a spot if you want it, man.
Hey, Adam! Ey, man, the service is nervous...
The banana-Kale ice cream and the chicken-less nuggets need to get in the freezer.
- Sorry, what did you say? - I said, I'm late to meet Becky...
I said this is about to be your big break, homie...
A little acknowledgment of that fact.
A little acknowledgment would be nice. Are you even listening to me?
Listen to me, you an animal, homie.
- I love animals. - Yeah, exactly!
I mean, no senti had being need live in its own filth
on the way to being barbarically slaughtered just so that we can dose...
=-uh, hello? ...Ourselves in growth hormones.
And the least you could do in order to fulfill... - Yo, Adam!
Our commitment to animal justice is put the groceries in the goddamn fridge.
- I'll do it. - A'ight, patnah, good looks.
Thank you.
We finna make this a classic real for real.
Ooo, what are you eating?
This some bullshit. Hello? Aw, man, I knew I shouldn"t've called you on the trap phone.
Mmmm... it is amazing what they can do with tofu these days!
Yo, Adam!
- Love you. - I love you.
Hey, look. It's all love, g. So peep this.
I'm gonna put you up against another young gunner on the come-up,
a real dope spitter by the name of prospek.
Prospexk.
Hey, what's your name, pimpin'? Adam merkin.
Adam murk 'em? That's a dope-ass rap name.
I don't actually have a rap name. That's my real name.
It's your real name 'cause you really 'bout that life.
A'ight, homie, I'ma get with you in a minute. I gotta go fuck my bitch.
Peace.
I teen drinking is very bad. Yo, I got a fake ID though.
Asian.
Race angle: Bad driver, eats cats-dogs, small penis.
Don't use.
Too racist?
Smokes a lot of weed.
Also probably sells it.
Loves his grandma.
Another great Sylvia plath...
Youre sweet,
if you're moving grams it means your grandma got a new apartment.
You're not a rapper, youre just a cop with a nice flow.
I can tell you're a narc, even your height is five-oh.
I might have to kill this kid, that's prochoice. Too offensive.
The most effective birth control you'll ever use
is the prospek of sex with you.
Jdd
40 mag! Bluntz! I'm like your biggest fan.
The two-on-twos you guys do, it changed the game.
Thanks, bro. Bring your equipment to the center, that's where we gon' need it.
My equipment?
Bro, the cameras and shit.
I'm not a cameraman. I'm a rapper!
Ooooh, rapper.
I have a tryout tonight, at least I'm supposed to.
I'm super late, Google maps got me all screwed up. Did I miss the whole thing already?
Bro, the battles ain't start yet. We on colored people time.
He white though, he can't say that.
Ey, what you white boys call it? "Hip-hop time," right? We on "hiphop time" right now.
I like your jacket though. Where the rest of the members at?
"Members"?
Oh, man, he wasn't even alive when them members only jackets came out. Oldass nigga.
Nigga so white he make Michael Jackson look like Michael Jackson.
Don't listen to him, man, he a hater.
Hey, I loved home alone.
The way you was in them traps? Yeah, we be out there.
Oh! Lookin' ass.
Why... why he look like one direction if they went both ways though?
Bro, you listen to one direction?
You really gonna...? =oh... go on.
You earthworm Jim lookin' ass nigga.
I know you ain't switchin' sides. Look at your shit.
I know you ain't talkin'. With your lego hairline, man. You can detach that shit, man.
Bro, you know I'm insecure about that, bro, c'mon.
This your first battle, huh? What's your name, homie?
I don't really have one. I guess it's Adam.
Che corleone.
Don't trip on those two, man, they just love roasting fools.
Rappers, each other, whoever's around to get it.
But I'm sensing you more the type of dude who, like myself,
stays focused on what's really important.
Battles. Bitches.
Oh, there are bit... Ladies here?
What d'you mean, man? It's a great turnout tonight.
Mimm!
See, those two over there. That's what I'm about.
Tryna come spit a little game with me or what?
- You want me to be your wingman? - Mmm-hmm.
Let me guess... you want me to talk to the big girl so you're free to talk to her friend.
Fuck no, man. The big girl is mine. Fuck outta here.
Yeah, she big, but she fine as hell.
It takes a real man to smash a fine fat bitch. Come on, let's go.
Ey, mami. We just wanted to personally thank you for your support.
As two-up-and-coming battle rappers ourselves, we appreciate the love.
Oh, so you a battle rapper?
Damn. Tanya, he say he's a battle rapper.
You look a little familiar, come to think of it.
I'm sure I do. Che corleone.
Right! You're the one who battled chamberz last event.
Oh, so you know about me. I could tell you were a woman of discerning taste.
Discerning enough to know that chamberz bodied you three-oh.
And the battle before that you got washed,
and the battle before that your soul damn near left the earth.
So how 'bout you spend less time on your pickup lines for me
and more time on your lines for your next opponent before you take your fourth I in a row.
You lucky you got an ass, 'cause your battle opinions are garbage.
Have you considered jumping into a battle? I have a feeling you'd do very well.
Oh, did I forget to mention? I'm the second match on the card tonight.
Devine Wright. Nice to meet you.
And she got bars, too? If you can cook, I might just be in love.
I can cook you in the ring, motherfucker!
Aw damn, man, sorry, homies, my bad.
You know, we runnin' on that hip-hop time. What up, what up, what up?
A'ight, let's shoot this bitch real quick, no Selena.
What up, Oakland. Yeah!
Town bizness, baby! A'ight. What's up?
This the killerfornia battle league and I beez your host Donnie narco,
aka the walking drug lab aka the cocaine cowboy aka mister splash,
put my drink on your bitch's ass and won't even tip the glass, you feel me?
A'ight. Cool, cool. First up, we got a cool one-round battle to kick off these tryouts.
To my right, straight outta koreatown, Los Angeles, give it up for prospek!
La, baby! Shout out to Oakland though, shout out.
Make some noise, let's go.
And to my left we got a newcomer on the scene who I hear is gon' be a real problem,
a real problem... Adam murk 'em!
It's just Adam.
Just Adam?
Oh, okay, cool, he on that Cher, Ronaldo, roseanne type vibe. I feel you, player. Aight.
Since you the new white boy on the scene, we gon' show you a bit little bit of love.
It's on you prospek, get im!
Yo.
Who the fuck set me up with this little homo?
This kid looks like he should be doing Disney promos.
He looks like he loves writing essays like a prison cholo.
His yearbook photo looks like the bitch from the Wendy's logo!
You probably came here in a budweiser truck
with a bumper sticker that says "I'll die for trump."
Yeah, fuck that trump!
Basically what I'm saying is you white as fuck.
Lookin' like conan o'brien's son or the little dude on the logo for Hawaiian punch.
Ha ha, white people!
How the fuck is this white nerd gonna outsmart this Asian?
What the fuck are you doing? You seen Virginia tech, we're even better at school shootings!
He's a ninja!
Finish him!
Don't buy drugs from this man, just a word of advice.
He's either a cop or reporter. Either way, he's workin' for vice.
Actually, if I'm really squintin', you kinda look like tilda swinton.
Actually he kinda look like one of them YouTube kids on Ellen degeneres,
when she feelin' hella generous.
You probably get into fights like "let me at 'em".
Actually his Butler be fighting for him like "let me, Adam".
Ha ha, privilege!
Man, these yuppies are the worst. Can you picture 'im in a Starbucks line
with ugg boots Ana a puppy in his purse
petting it like, "o-m-g, you're so fluffy that it hurts."
Puppy in his purse. Eating dogs.
Got some takeout. No, that's too racist, can't be racist.
Disney. Disney logo, d looks like a g.
Virginia tech. That's offensive.
Virginia tech, disturbing the dead.
Motherfucker, oh, the irony.
You look like Ron Weasley but you sound like Hermione.
I'm Asian, so it's only right that I'm serving this ginger.
I saw this nerd up on tinder, he had little mermaid as his picture.
So I don't know if I should slap you like a bitch or punch your face like a man.
'Cause I keep switching from open palm to a fist...
Like a white boy shaking your hand!
Time!
I should've saw that coming.
It's gonna be hard to recover from that one, but let's see what he got.
It's on Adam, let's get it!
I can't believe this guy's up here talking about Virginia tech.
That's offensive to the victims and their families. Why are you disturbing the dead?
You need to stop. If I did Disney promo, that means that I popped.
You kinda remind of the d in Disney.
You look like a g but you're not.
When they talk about top prospects, they don't even call your name out.
I do have a puppy in my bag, I'm delivering your takeout!
Yo! You're so Asian you can use a piece of string as an eye mask.
And when you watch movies on your iPad it looks like an imax.
Beating me? That's harder than you trying to score with divas.
Pronouncing “broccoli” properly or getting a border visa to North Korea.
Ordering tuna at Sushi's the only time you get yellow tail.
I give that like a five. =six.
'Cause your dick is so small you can't tell your cock from your testicles.
Something's wrong with your genitals when your bitch would rather fuck octopus tentacles.
So, yeah, you're hustlin' weed, but you're the corner boy stuck on the streets.
It's bonsai... you just take a little cut from the trees.
You talk about killing people in your rhymes and act like you have real homies.
It's like your anime girl pillows. Stop pretending they're real bodies!
'Cause actual gs?
You ain't kill none, so shut the fuck up and chill some.
Just 'cause you look like Kim jong-un doesn't mean you're ill, son.
And since you believe in feng shui,
I'm gonna break in as an intruder at night,
move your couch an inch or two to the right and fucking ruin your life.
Yo. Your whole crew looks like an Asian porn star,
where they censor around where her bush be,
'cause all I see is a bunch of squares surrounding this pussy.
This murder's so cold you can see this man's breath.
I'll kill your supporters too for sleeping, that's Korean fan death!
You'll be either a little boy or a geriatric for your lifespan.
Oh. You've got egg on your face, which makes sense
'cause it's shaped like a fucking frying pan.
See I had a trap set, you just played into my plan
'cause you really don't know what you're fucking with like you had a one-night stand...
In Thailand!
Faggot!
Who are you?
- Respect. You're crazy. - You did amazing!
Y'all both killed that shit!
Ayo, that was one of our best tryout battles like ever ever.
But coming up, we got an all-female tryout battle.
Ladeth stryche versus devine Wright coming up, ya dig!
Whoo!
You deserve a round after that shit. You nice.
Your hairstyle look like a gay-ass Tim Burton character, but you nice.
Thanks, man! You are amazing though.
I know everyone online is gonna say that you out-rapped me.
But, oh, I'm so glad my bars went over so well.
I was worried about that for a minute. Whoo!
You had some creative Asian shit.
Motherfuckers come at me with hella corny jokes, but you did 'em well, bro.
You think?
Shit, at least you knew I was Korean instead of calling me "chink" the whole time.
Far as I'm concerned, that's culturally sensitive by battle rap standards.
The race angle is just some shit I gotta deal with, you know.
Hey, I'm just glad you know that I'm not racist for real. I was worried about that.
Thanks, man.
This is Adam, he's been the homie from way back.
I pretty much introduced him to the game, you could say.
I really loved your performance.
What was one of your favorite lines?
I liked when you was making fun of him for being Asian.
You know, I've never really been into skinny white boys before,
but maybe you could open my horizon.
Adam. Why don't you give her your phone?
My phone?
Yeah, you give her your phone. Then she puts her number in it.
Then she has your number. That's how this shit works.
Yeah.
Oh, uh... I actually have to make a quick phone call.
'Scuse me.
Sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry.
You're gonna just leave like that. After I brought you a girl. Okay.
Yeah, ladeth stryche won that coin toss, so it's two minutes on devine Wright.
Kick that shit, baby.
I'm a bitch who loves shopping.
I just copped a Magnum and clips.
No boob job, but I got some new cans for this bitch.
You got your name from a comic?
Ladeth stryche.
But you the lez type.
Those long nails will fuck up your sex life!
Yo, I saw your battle. I'hat shit was tight. Keep at it.
Respect.
That shit was crazy! I ain't never expect bars like that from a goofy-ass white boy like you.
Keep up the good work.
Respect!
- Adam? - Hey, babe.
Where are you? I have been calling you for hours!
I know, I'm at the library and my phone was on silent so I forgot to check it.
I'm really, really...
You a straight killer, cuz!
Respect.
What?
Adam, wooo. You out there killin' it, huh? The streets is talkin'
that audience reaction, it's like heroin.
Not that I would generalize about African Americans and drugs.
Hey!
Keep it down. I'm sleeping.
Right. Sorry.
I'hey doing this event in la next month.
I'hey got this new crazy promoter dishing out crazy dough.
And, you know, I'm just saying if you want to catch up on some bills.
La?
For the whole weekend? - Yeah. They'll pick up your hotel and everything.
You representing for me, you my little protégé. So you can't make me look bad out there.
No pressure, then.
Shhh!
Sorry. I have to talk to him here because my girlfriend can't know. Not that it's a gay thing.
Yeah, sure. I'm in. Not that it's specifically not a gay thing.
Some of us are trying to study.
Look man, what... what's up with your thesis and the questions that you gotta ask me?
What... what's up with that?
Right. My thesis. So one thing I've noticed that changes in the tone of the n-word
is whether it's preceded by a possessive pronoun or an adjective.
For example, "my n-word™ or "her n-word"” versus...
C'mon, bro. You really gonna hit me with that "n-word” shit like that?
See, now that makes it ten times more offensive 'cause you insulting my intelligence too.
Just say "my nigga.”
Are you sure?
I know I checked you before,
but it's a difference between using the word and referencing the word.
You gotta use the word like how Obama said it.
Can't be using it like how all them other presidents said it.
Alright. What I've noticed is the difference between using a possessive pronoun like...
"My nigga...
I'here you go.
Or "her nigga"
versus an adjective like "this nigga" or a "funny...
Nig...
Ga.
Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, come on.
Are you trying to learn how to use these phrases in a rap battle?
Yes. No. Uh... yes?
This nigga.
Jdd
wow, they have cashew-cheddar nut loaf quesadillas.
No cheese or bread! Adam, this place is perfect.
What's the occasion?
Actually, there's something I was hoping to talk to you about.
Namaste! I'm feeling really good energy from this table. Are you ready to order?
Maybe a juice to energize, relax, detox?
If I could just have a minute...
I would love a carrot-ginger juice,
but could you substitute Kale for the spinach, beet for the celery,
mango for the apple, lime for the lemon, parsley for the ginger,
and cucumber for the carrot? If it's not too much trouble.
Fuck yeah.
S50, what I need to talk to you about...
It's something that I did. You fucked someone.
Whoa, nol it's nothing like that.
You fucked someone, didn't you? I knew it.
I just did a rap battle.
What?!
It's really not a big deal. Really. It's just something I wanted to do,
and I did well enough that I actually have another one booked in la next month.
So I was thinking we should go together. Like a fun weekend trip.
Doesn't that sound... fun?
Mmm... I'll tell you what it sounds like:
It sounds like you going behind my back
and doing the one thing we explicitly agreed you weren't going to do,
not to mention the misogynistic, homophobic, ableist, transphobic...
Saying rap music lorifies violence. Don't you hink that's a little... racist?
Reductivist? Colonialist?
Don't you think that's a little bit...
Don't you think that sounds a little bit colonialist?
Excuse me?
I mean, you're passing judgment on a grassroots African-American culture
based on your own privileged white perspective.
That just seems like a colonialist critique
rather than honestly engaging with them on their own terms.
You know, that is why I didn't tell you about the battle in the first place.
I knew you being there would be...
Problematic.
Are you saying that if 1 don't go to la with you and support you in battling,
it makes me racist?
Yep.
I never thought about it that way.
That is because there are systems in place that keep you thinking that way.
Wow. I mean you're right.
I have been so caught up in my own privilege
that I never thought to examine battling from an authentic contextual point of view.
We all slip up sometimes.
Okay. So help me understand. Like...
What's an example of a line you would say?
What's something you would say to me?
1 don't think that's a good idea.
I'm trying to understand here. I am trying to engage.
Adam, if you love me, you'll insult me in a rhyme.
Right now.
Okay.
Okay. Uh...
Okay, how about this...
I'm just here to respect women and treat them equally
I took you to a vegan eatery, why would you have some beef with me?
Oh, my god, that's so good! Go again.
You're crunchy granola, I can tell by your pungent aroma
you smell like swamp water, I'm worried you've been fuckin' with Yoda.
And your whole fuckin' style is more tasteless than this tofu
the way I killed you with rhymes I'm like your deadbeat mother, I diss-owned you!
What the fuck, Adam?!
Get the fuck out.
Oh, you don't understand, she actually asked me to say that.
Well, not that exactly, but we were just joking around.
I was actually coming up with hypothetical rap battle lines to say to her.
You know, like if I looked at your shirt and said something like,
it's funny you have a shirt with Bob Marley,
because your pussy hair looks like a cross between him and Rob zombie.
Okay, bad example.
Chris!
I was just trying to be a good boyfriend!
Hmm.
I'm sorry about this place. It's not exactly what I expected. And I'm sorry about everything.
Okay, Adam. You've been apologizing for days.
You apologized the whole six-hour drive here.
Could you just not, anymore?
I still agreed to come, didn't I?
Now let's just try to have a culturally enriching experience.
Oh, shit, is this albino mole rat lookin' motherfucker.
They got everybody in this telly.
Look, I gotta see you later, mami, because I gotta talk to my boy right now.
You good? Ride down was smooth? =yeah.
Let go, let go.
How you doing?
I watched your prospek battle back like ten times.
When you said “your chick would rather fuck octopus tentacles". Yo, that was cold.
Thanks, man. Hey, who was the girl?
Uh, she's just some tinder bitch.
I had to get the good luck dome before the battle goes on, you know what I'm saying.
I mean, it would've been better luck if it was from bae, but she playin'.
Oh, uh... devine!
Have you met my girlfriend Maya?
Maya, this is devine Wright. A very talented female battler.
Maya. What's good?
Oh, awesome! You know, it's really amazing to meet you.
I really respect what you're doing,
breaking ground as a woman in such a male-dominated pursuit.
What does me being a woman got to do with it? I ain't spittin' rhymes out of my vagina.
Wooo. We're about to head down to the venue. You wanna stash your bags and follow?
Let's do it.
Uh.
I guess it's upstairs?
That ain't up.
Yo! All my life I dreamed of fame and success. Finally, we made it.
Classic battle shit.
Kid gets a bunch of money, decides he wants to be a promoter now.
Spends everything he got on getting some names,
then puts us up against a buncha bums at an event no one comes to.
Man, who cares? I'm from north Richmond.
As long as I'm getting paid I'll battle in a fuckin' sewage drain. Y'all a buncha divas.
I know. Men, right?
Is that megaton?
What is he doing here?
It's his city.
But why is he rapping here?
They musta paid him a couple stacks more than the rest of us.
What I'm wondering is, who is that nigga?
That looks like... I think that's the dude I'm battling.
Shit. He's rocking the groom tux. He about to get up there and marry your ass.
He looks like my dad's wedding photo.
He look like he dug up prince and stole the nigga suit.
He surely stole the nigga suit.
What's good, y'all? It's your host Freddie hustle.
We about to get it cracking for the inaugural event of Freddie hustle entertainment.
Let's get this battle started.
Battier to my right!
I said yo!
Ya mom's pussy got one star on her yelp reviews!
I didn't even come to battle.
I just have a question that I wanna ask of my girl.
Will you do me the honor of making me the happiest man in the world?
I'll make him double up in the middle like a tummy tuck.
The shotty'll blow his guts out, that's a stomach pump.
Stomach pump.
- Mimm-mmm... - Stomach pump.
Wait, I got it. Stomach pump.
I'll probably lift him off his feet if I aim my glock.
And that's the first time a black guy will get raised by pops!
I just want you to be my boo, k?
I even got you this bouquet.
You like guns? We can go shopping together, I'll buy my boo ks.
And your girl uses dijon mustard when she eats her boogies.
I'll show up to your grandma's open casket and give that bitch a nuggie!
His sister got mad kids, just had another couple.
And every time he's like, "damn... Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle."
And the shotty ll blow his guts out, that's a stomach pump.
And your girl's memory foam mattress remembers that she's a fuckin' slut!
Fuck outta here!
Alright, rapper to my left! Let's go, get 'em.
You a comedian like John belushi, Chris farley, Robin Williams.
If you haven't figured it out by now
save us all some time and kill yourself right now!
You ain't gettin' married, you gettin' buried, but you still dressed suitable, nigga.
I'll let each gun ring twice.
Bam, bam, bam, bam!
That's four weddings and a funeral, nigga!
This dude forgot all the rhymes he studied, call him sway, he don't know the answers.
He's like a kid's warning label: This toy is a choking hazard.
So you wanna talk that racist shit?
I know your girl and I'm pimpin' the thot.
It's a reverse slavery auction, I put your bitch on the block!
Shoot him, then check for the body shakes, that's how you can tell that death's gripped 'em.
It's like a good-ass orgasm,
one bust will have your legs twitchin'.
You're so fat that you ran out of breath downloading the app to count your steps.
If you were on house arrest,
you'd have to take walking breaks to give your house a rest.
If he was really provokin'
he woulda seen all types a colors, 'cause for the kill-i'da-scoped-him.
Get off the stage.
Get it? All types a colors?
Kaleidoscoped him?
Yeah, see, yall get it.
Time!
Time.
Time! Time!
Time!
- Yo, yo, check it. - Shut the fuck up!
You little squirmy little reddit blogger.
Another eminem impostor who refers to Elton John as his second father.
Bob saget, Rick moranis, Kelly Osbourne, white trash genetic monster.
Probably conceived in the back of a led zeppelin concert.
If Harry Potter had sex with Jeffrey dahmer, you'd be their lesbian daughter!
The fuck are you, a little fuckin' state prison fuckin' rape victim?
He's the new face of racism.
I'm surprised he didn't show up here today with a slave with him chained to him.
He hates African-American culture 'cause he was raised different.
He hates Clinton, Abe Lincoln, pretty much anybody that can relate with "em.
Except Blake Griffin.
He feels a little bit more safe with him 'cause they share the same pigment.
Bitch, hip-hop has been for minorities, it's never been for you geeky asses!
Matter of fact, what are these, your little fuckin' reading glasses
you need for your english classes?
Man, gimme that shit...
I'll stomp these into pieces and fragments.
And now you can keep them, you can have this.
Now you get to complete your dream of being this genius math whiz
'cause everything you see's in fractions!
Now get the fuck outta here, you little fuckin' dweeby faggot!
Man, y'all see that shit? He made that kid cry, like, tears. That's not right.
Fuck a battle career, he ended dude life.
He gon' need a new face transplant and new social security number.
Megaton. First battle rapper quoted in a suicide note.
That whole verse was crazy!
Oh, hey, babe. Wasn't that
unbelievable? Hey, can you get me a drink from the bar?
Yo, mega one of the all-time greats of this shit.
Uh, come on. Eminem is the greatest battle rapper of all time.
I'm... I'm sorry, fellas. I forgot it's a white boy in our presence,
so, you know, we contractually obligated to mention eminem.
Hold up. Hold on. How your man supposed to be the greatest
and he get bodied in his own fictional movie?
Lotto washed him in 8 mile. Didn't lickety split get him too, bro?
Then he go body himself for a whole round, you know what I'm saying.
Poppa doc ain't choke. He just knew it was over so he walked off, man. Em took his own I.
Plus how you supposed to be the greatest when your video director some Filipino nigga
making gay-ass art films for your joints, bruh?
Um...
Two.
It's not 1992. Em's skill transcends race.
You talking about em? He's the fucking goat, man.
You're right, he's better at putting words together than all of these black guys.
Go away.
Yo. You said some wild shit up there, homie.
Fuck outta here, man, this is battle rap.
I can diss asians, Mexicans, any other race.
Why not blacks? I'm just trying to fight for equality.
Hey, he got a point, bruh.
What?
Plus I thought that shit was hilarious, man! I love this nigga!
Man! Hey, look. The way you keep it real with how you feel, I feel that!
Yo, any of y'all seen a hotel key card laying around anywhere?
I can't remember where I put it.
What hotel's it for?
I can't remember.
Fuck that, man.
Why don't you get your ass outta here.
Damn. This shit is messy as fuck, bro.
Yo, let's peel out. I got a dope food spot I want to take y'all to.
Adam! I want to go back to the hotel now.
Okay. I think some of the guys were gonna grab some food but I can drop you off on the way.
Okay. I want you to think really hard about what the best thing to do is.
And then I want you to do it.
So you dropped your girl off?
She dropped me.
She not takin' you back?
In more or less those words.
You did the right thing, bro.
Yeah. Yeah, it's fine. I'm sure we'll be... fine.
Hey, can I drop this in someone's car? Maya was my ride home.
I got you, dog. Just know you gon' be designated driver, though.
Yo, the homie just texted me that megaton is having an after party at the crib later.
Shit's gon' be lit.
How's that, how's that.
Wooo! White folks drivin' us around tonight!
Let me get this shit straight. We in la and the Mexican takes us to a Sushi joint.
I'm with d. You wrong for this one.
First off, I'm Ecuadorian, motherfuckers.
Second, the chef here came highly recommended.
No way.
Take that back. You dead wrong for this one.
My la connect saw him working here and told me about it. I had to come see for myself.
Okay, what can I get y'all started with?
I got a quick question. Um...
I heard you're so Asian when you watch movies on your iPad it looks like an imax.
Can you confirm?
Aw, hell nah.
You should be proud.
You dressed like you about to take your yellow belt test. It's your lucky day.
Nah, he look good in his uniform. It really brings out his eyes.
Man, fuck all a y'all.
What are you doing making Sushi, anyway? You're Korean.
There ain't enough Japanese to keep up with how much white people love this shit.
Half of the Sushi joints here are owned by Koreans. We just pretend to be Japanese.
Y all too ignorant to know the difference.
You a walking Asian stereotype, bro. You probably fought like fifty ninjas on the way here.
Drove a civic and drift the whole way.
It must be hella hard to write the customer's checks in that crazyass calligraphy.
Yeah, that's true.
What do you do after work? Go home and pretend to rape your grandma?
Yo.
What the fuck, bro?
You know, 'cause... cause you're Korean, but you're pretending to be Japanese.
And Japan occupied Korea for a long time and they committed a lot of atrocities...
I thought we were roasting him.
We was talkin some ignorant Asian shit.
Then you went and put all this real history into it.
Not cool, bro.
It'd be best for you all to leave.
Sensei, these are my friends. We're just joking around.
“Sensei?” yo, mister miyagi is real!
Yo, Hollywood owes you all kinds of royalties, bro.
Come call me, talk to my face.
Yo. This old-ass Hong Kong phooey motherfucker
really trying to start some shit with me...
He kicked me in the motherfuckin' face! Let me... let me at him.
You want him?
- No, no, no... - Get yo' ass out.
An old martial arts master doing a spin kick in the middle of a Sushi restaurant? Really?
Do you even know how much of a fucking stereotype you made us look like?
You set asians back a hundred years!
Che was right, mega lives in the hood for real.
Are you sure this is the hood? These houses are all really big. And they have lawns.
You really from New York, huh?
Fuck is this, the captain planet reunion?
Sup, che. Prospek. Baby girl. Behn grym, what's good, homie.
1 don't think you met my guy Adam.
Nah, we ain't met.
I seen your shit though. You a'ight, homie.
Thanks, man! I'm a huge fan of...
A'ight. We got bitches, blunts goin' around, hookers, pregnant prostitutes, white girl, Molly.
It's that west coast hospitality, baby.
Your shit is crazy. That Virginia tech line? You got bars, for real.
Respect. It's just, that whole Asian shit be getting to me.
No matter what I say, they can say some cliché-ass kung-fu lines and it pops off.
Okay, it's always the same shit for me too.
Whenever I battle a nigga, I know everything he gon' say to me.
I mean, that groom shit was a little different, but at the end of the day, it's the same shit.
Just based on my gender.
So how you break out of that?
You don't.
No matter what, I'm goin' get the bitch bars, and you goin' get the Asian bars,
and this kid'll always get the white-ass nerd bars.
Am I really a nerd, though?
Never mind.
Battling is an expectations game. Niggas goin' always come with the expected shit,
'cause that's what the audience wants to hear.
But the fact that you can expect it means you can flip it. Play it to your advantage.
Yo, it is on. I don't even know this bitch's name, but she's a fuckin' smoke show
and she's all over me. I'm 'bout to smash for real.
Don't you think it's a problem that you don't know her name?
Yo, the only problem is gonna be when I'm fuckin' her so hard
her teenage daughter is gonna get pregnant in the future.
Shit, how can that motherfucker get laid off battling? For me it just makes it harder.
I tell a nigga I battle Ana his dick start tucking up like it's the "silence of the lambs."
I need a drink.
Yo, I swear that's... Nah, nah, nah, it can't be.
You know her from somewhere?
Yeah... from jerking off.
That's Bella backwoods, yo, I've been following her since teen vids all the way to milf.
That's three years.
That actually is a long time to follow a porn star.
I'm sayin though.
Oh, my god, yes!
Fuck! We gotta stop che.
Because of his deeply problematic attitude towards hook-ups and women in general?
No. Because of this.
We should get behn.
Oh, damn, man, y'all perverts, man!
Oh, you tryna get a picture for the 'gram, huh?
Take-=- take that shit.
Oh my god.
Put your damn pants on.
Alright, alright. Shit, man. You tryna hit this shit too? At least let me finish first.
Man, that's megaton's girl, you dumb-ass nigga.
You better hope and pray he didn't see you come in here or we all will be getting fucked.
- Hurry up! - Okay, okay!
Back up. If anything, this is between Bella and her boyfriend.
Are we seriously suggesting
that che is somehow vaginally trespassing on another man's property?
So Bella has no sexual agency or bodily autonomy here?
Ain't none of us gon' have bodily autonomy if we dead!
Fuck.
Hey, babe.
I'll deal with this fucking whore later.
Right now I'ma have some words with my gardener real quick.
Alright. Look, he didn't mean to disrespect you.
He's just a knucklehead. If he would of knew...
Get the fuck out my way, dog. This don't even concern you.
Well, I'm making it my concern.
Why, 'cause you the big homie now? You fuckin' vouch for him all of a sudden?
He didn't mean anything.
We battle rappers.
We battle each other and disrespect each other in the ring as rappers.
But to come to my house, and fuck my girl?
You disrespected me as a man. So now we goin' have to handle that as men.
If you wanna throw hands, we can throw hands.
But you gon' keep them guns out.
Oh we gon' do a lot more than throw hands, motherfucker.
I'ma see you...
In that ring.
It ain't gon' be no straight rap shit though, you feel me?
That's cool.
Me and you got a problem as men. We battle as men, not just as rappers.
- That's cool. - Straight up.
We could do that.
Understood.
- Right? - Yup.
I'm... I'm sorry, a rap battle?
You wanna solve this with a rap battle?
Shut the fuck up.
No, I'm over here pissing my pants. That actually might be literal.
Thinking I'm surrounded by straight-up gangsters packing heat,
about to blow my brains all over this lovely interior decor, but no.
You think the most street way to deal with this is with a rap battle!
That thing where a bunch of grown-ass men get together in a room, call each other gay
and come up with make-believe ways we're totally going to kill each other.
I mean, is that not the corniest shit you've ever heard in your life? Is that thing even real?
We was just leaving.
Great to meet you all! Come on up to Berkeley sometime.
We settle beef with word debates there too!
Can you believe how ridiculous that was?
To take this silly insult game we play so seriously.
1 mean, I love it, but come on. I thought we were in a life or death situation back there!
Wooo! Stop the car.
Oh, yeah? You want to grab a drink? Ooo, we should do a toast to che's big battle.
Stop the fuckin' car! I'm having a fuckin' panic attack!
Oh!
I'm sorry, man. I have anxiety myself, I know how it is.
And that was an insane situation. I just figured you had a handle on it.
Why? 'Cause I'm black, so I'm supposed to be in the streets like that?
I'm a fuckin' video game designer, dog.
You're what?
Oh, this is you fucking with me.
No. I'hat's on my daughter's life.
You have a daughter?
So, the... the slang, the accent. It's... it's an act.
This ain't no act. You never heard a code-switchin', mah'fucka?
Right. Of course.
Sorry, I didn't mean to make any assumptions. I just thought that you...
Look, I know what you thought.
You think I need a white boy to tell me what he thought of me?
Battle rap is not boxing, it's a street fight.
You won't just get your jaw broke,
you got someone right in your face trying to tear you apart.
Your job, your girl, dick pics you sent in high school.
It's fair game.
That's why I keep my private business actually private.
And I never use personals on my opponents, neither.
I just talk about shooting them.
Okay.
What is that?
Look... front, back, front, salute. Got it?
Got it!
Aight. That was great. We got a long way to Oakland to work on that.
Shit!
What time is it?
Hey, um...
Do you think since we're going back to your place anyway that I... I could... stay, at...?
I got you.
This is awesome, man.
I'm honestly surprised.
You would be surprised. You a racist piece of shit.
Yeah, I know. I'm trying hard not to be.
I believe you really think that.
Look, before we get up there, my wife got a problem with people calling me my rap name.
So call me osiris. Or oz.
Your real name is osiris? =yeah.
But your rap name is behn?
Yeah.
Okay.
Man, I can hear the racist shit you thinking.
Everything is good, you know. Man, my wife make the best burnt bacon ever.
- Yeah? - Yeah, man.
Boy, take that hat off.
Can I be done now?
Give me one more bite, baby.
No, no, no, no, no, give me one bigger than that!
There you go. Now you're done, okay?
Oz?
Igotit. Ll gotit. I got it.
Hey, baby. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. There you go. There you go.
Just how we practiced, okay? Big deep breaths.
Yeah. - Think of it like you're breathing down into your tummy.
In and out.
In
And out.
There you go.
- Your feeling better? - Mmm-hmm.
You wanna go watch a little TV? Okay.
Come on, okay. Daddy will take you, c'mon.
- Wwhat my baby wanna watch, hmm? - Austin and ally!
I like that one too, I'll watch it with you.
Cystic fibrosis.
She's had it since she was born.
Her lungs get clogged up and it just makes it hard for her to breathe.
That's really tough.
I'm sorry.
So, Adam, what do you do? I mean besides appropriate black culture for your livelihood.
That's hilarious.
Oh. Okay. I'm a student.
English lit major.
I'm actually more interested in what behn... oz does, to be honest with you.
Video game design. How did you get into that?
I stabbed a video game designer and took his laptop.
Really?
What's wrong with you? I went to college.
And do they, uh... know?
About the battle rap?
- Yeah. - And they're cool with it?
With a black guy being a rapper? Well, you know what, I'ma be honest.
It does get annoying sometime when you're working on an fps
and then you got all these dudes coming up to you asking you details about a gun.
Well, it's great that your wife is so supportive of you battling.
- Why wouldn't I? - It's just my girlfriend isn't.
'Cause of all the woman-bashing and stuff.
I just thought you may be against it because it portrays a certain... negative image.
I see we got no "respectability politics" ass motherfucker at the table.
- No, no, I got it. - A'ight.
You really want to sit here and spout off about "negative image,"
when we both know that no matter how much money he makes,
no matter how "well" he speaks,
no matter how many suits he puts on,
he can still go out and get shot in the street by the police for no reason.
That I can have the same fate? That my daughter can?
So if he's gonna make money by battling,
and put food on this here table, with the talents that god has given him,
oh, you damn right I'ma support him.
No matter how many of y'all little white boys come up in here
talking about how "negative" it might be.
But you live in rockridge, the safest neighborhood in Oakland...
Damn it! 1 can't believe I just had to blacksplain some shit to you in my own damn house.
Maybe that's all white people need, is just to have someone explain stuff to us.
So it's not enough that this country was literally built off of our oppression,
but now that we get an iota of freedom,
we gotta go explaining that same oppression back to y'all? No.
Not tonight, Satan. I need to go make me some tea.
And oz...
I love you, but if you think that mc micro-agression here
is spending one night under this here roof,
both of y'all can go find yourselves a hotel room
where you can discuss "black-on-black crime" together.
She bodied you, nigga.
I felt bad when it was a black guy, but look at all his privilege.
White kids choosing to be homeless so they can act like kerouac
are the reason we don't have communism.
Actually, the reason we don't have communism
is your undermining of the interracial solidarity
and class conscioushess of the proletariat.
And you look like you'd smoke pumpkin spice out a junkie's pipe!
Adam.
Hey, babe.
I was hoping we could talk, now that we've had a chance to cool off.
Hmm. It's funny. This is exactly what your father said you would do.
You talked to my dad?
About our relationship?
Well, he had some prescient insights, actually.
He pointed out the parallels with dmitry and Katya in the brothers Kara...
This conversation is really, really important to me.
Can you hold on a second? I have to take this call.
Yo.
Yo, Adam, what's goody?
Hunnid gramz!
This is awesome. It's an honor.
Aight, word. Check it out, right.
We got an event end of the month where we settin' up megaton versus che
to deal with all this beef out here, okay.
And I thought it'd be extra dope to have a co-headliner: Adam versus behn grym.
Can you hold on a sec?
I have a huge opportunity. Huge for us.
Is it your window of opportunity for begging for my forgiveness?
You don't understand...
I don't understand. I don't even know who the hell you are right now. Do you?
One sec.
Gramz?
Dude, you playing hardball, huh? Tell you what.
You take the match, I got five racks for y'all. Each.
It's not about the money.
I'nis could be the biggest match of your career.
People always wanna see the master face his protégé, okay.
If you go off, you a legend for life.
Okay. I'll take the battle.
What battle?
Maya!
The lifelong battle of winning back your trust?
I'm hanging up now.
No, no, no, don't. I'll get rid of the other call.
Okay, it's just you and me now, I promise.
Woah. I'm just offerin" a match-up.
Wait, who is this?
Hunnid fuckin' gramz, town bizness.
Look, there ain't no "you and me" all of a sudden, okay.
I mean, you got some shit,
but I ain't tryna make a funny white boy my flagship artist or nothing. No offense.
Yo. I mean, hey. I mean, who...?
So the other call is gone?
Right.
Okay, babe.
It's done.
What the fuck you call me?
Uh, you "the fuck” called me.
What you doin' with your voice now?
Offer a white boy some money and y'all get weird as shit.
I think I... accidentally merged the two calls.
Adam? Who is this?
Ohhh, so you really is a bitch.
Yo, your voice sound sexy.
I like a woman who sounds like she 'bout to make my ass pay alimony.
Oh, my god.
Pig. And I am not saying that because you're black.
And I'm not even assuming that you are black. Damn it, Adam,
why do you always make me sound so racist?
That's a keeper, bruh, f'real f'real. So what's good with the battle?
I'm not doing any more battles.
Ever again.
I'm out.
I just lost my girlfriend for good, I got beat up by a vegan,
and I'm sleeping on a fucking park bench, all because of battle rap.
And you guys don't even take me seriously.
Plus, everywhere I go people think I'm some Neo-Nazi racist.
It's just like I'm walking around yelling "chink, kike, gook, spic, faggot, raghead"...
I've been getting reports of a homeless man on this bench verbally accosting passersby.
What can you tell me about this?
I haven't seen anyone.
I should get to class.
Maya. Can I... can I talk to you for a sec?
You left her stranded in a Los Angeles ghetto. She has nothing to say to you.
She left me stranded! That's not important right now.
Look, Maya, I just want you to know that I'm quitting rap battling.
For real. It made me into a complete asshole. I totally get it.
Alright, everyone. As you know, we have subject thesis presentations today.
A brave soul among you has volunteered to go first.
Maya.
Oh, please, don't give me the sad puppy dog act.
I know you think you're the hero of the story,
and that I'm just the cliche controlling bitch girlfriend
who the audience is supposed to hate.
But have you ever stopped to think I might be a bitch with a point?
That the real problem here isn't the tone of what I'm saying
but it's the content of what you've said?
Ugh! Your life fails the bechdel test.
Yasss, bitch. Mmm, get it.
- You okay? - Yeah.
Thanks, mister Kendall.
So the subject of my thesis
is "the cultural legitimization of white racism in America as free expression."
I plan to trace this idea
from its emergence in the mid-20th century, when racism became less forthright...
Look, I understand where you coming from.
I wanna quit this shit half the time too. And you think I really wanna battle a homie?
It's five gs on the line. And I know my family could really use that money.
We got a few unexpected bills for grace.
I'm not gonna bore you with that. I'm just asking you, as a friend.
Would you please take the battle?
Why are you even talking to that "I don't see color” type racist ass bum?
I told you, young white privilege ain't trying to help nobody but his damn self.
Old dumb motherfucker.
Context is battle rap.
Now what started as an authentic African-American experience
has been co-opted, like so many other things, by white supremacists
as a space to say obscenely racist things under the guise of "competition."
Trigger warning.
In addition to its vile racism, this video contains transphobia,
slut shaming, and an enormous douchebag.
Even Asian bitches won't fuck you. That means you're hella frail.
Ordering tuna at Sushi is the only time you get yellow tail.
You just take a little cut from the trees.
'Cause you really don't know what you're fucking with like you had a one-night stand.
In Thailand!
Faggot!
The f-slur, Adam? Really?
That's not only offensive, it's offensively basic.
You can bet your guilao ass that every Asian on campus is going to know about this.
Well, I thought it was hilarious. I don't even mind that you used that word.
You've always been a faggot to me.
Thank you.
And I wish you...
- Oh, I can come back, if you're busy. - No, come on in.
Have a seat.
What are you doing here?
I was wondering if I could stay with you for a few days.
No.
Why do... why do you smell like cocoa butter?
Well, I spent the last week sleeping on a bench.
The last homeless guy left a bottle there. My skin was all dry. You know what I mean.
I don't mean you, I just mean, because you're a nurse.
I'm the Dean of this school.
So after Maya showed that video of your "battle" in class yesterday, that went viral.
The administration is now under a lot of pressure to act.
You know how sensitive the climate is towards racism and appropriation.
And your performance was downright iggy azalean.
Why does the school care about what I do in my private life?
It's 2018, there is no private life.
The university cannot afford a scandal right now.
The Asian American association is ready to turn this into bien dien phu,
and the Jewish law students' association
is already filing a harassment lawsuit against the campus.
I didn't say anything about Jewish people.
Well, that may well be, but many members of the jsla
are dating members of the Asian American association.
So what do you have against interracial relationships?
Huh?
And there's the added visibility factor of me being your father.
Like it or not, people notice when Kylo Ren has a force tantrum
because he's Han Solo's son. Sorry, Dean. Spoilers.
I know this looks bad, but it's all for my thesis subject,
which is on the use of the word "nigga"...
Excuse me?
Sorry, behn grym told me that it's more respectful to say "nigga."
The rock monster from the fantastic four
said you could us the n-word?
He's black.
- I gotta go to class. - Actually, you don't.
Effectively immediately, your scholarship is being... “What?
Thirty years in academia, and every man still thinks his balls have the right to interrupt me.
I said that effective immediately your scholarship is being suspended.
Don't look at me. I gotta think about my own situation here.
If I'm seen publicly supporting your comments,
I'll be like the next "insert whatever the Internet is mad at today."
So you're disowning me?
Adam, use a less plutocratic word than disowning.
I'm not a racist. How... how can you judge someone based off one clip on YouTube?
Because I wrote the book.
Several.
"People pay for what they do, and still more for what they allow themselves to become."
James Baldwin.
And to quote a more contemporary African-American writer,
that was the realest shit he ever wrote.
Well if karamazov did commit patricide, then I wouldn't be that surprised.
That's precisely the rhetoric I can't abide.
Well, I am being bastardized.
Are you trying to satirize?
If I did, then would you be satisfied?
Stop rhyming, you little shit!
This family is fucked up.
We will not allow our campus to become free ground for racists!
Safe space, not hate space!
Asian Americans against Adam!
We will not excuse horrific racist slander just because it rhymes!
Intolerance will not be tolerated!
There he is! Remember, this is a peaceful protest.
Resist the understandable urge to tear his limbs from his body.
- Go jerk off to anime! - Delete your account.
You've got everybody out here getting our culture fucked up. Again. Thanks for that.
Get woke, cocksucker.
Behn?
I'm in. Let's do it.
Oakland! Is y'all in here?
The main events we got comin' up are gonna be institutionalized for their insanity,
but don't sleep on the two dope-ass spitters that we got right here, right now.
Now, I know you heard all the jokes about Asian men
never gettin' together with black women,
but fuck that, we did it, y'all. Kbl breakin' down all type of barriers, ya dig?
You ready for this?
I hope so.
This is a special one-round matchup.
Both rappers requested this, so you know it's gonna be some cold ass shit.
Rapper on my right, state your name.
Devine Wright, 'cause I'm the motherfuckin' queen of this shit!
Nervous rapper on the left, state your name, soldier.
Prospek, representing k-town, Los Angeles.
Stand the fuck up!
Looking like you drank from the wrong grail or some shit.
You good?
I'm good.
Respect for taking the match. Check should definitely help.
Grace, she's doing good. This should be good for you, man, I hope you kill it.
I can't wait to see what you've got.
Right. I got some shit. Either way we goin' be boys.
After all, you don't do personals, right?
Right.
Bet you do your thing.
Now devine chose to go first, so it's all on you, queen, let's get it.
Fuck this Asian motherfucker!
Fuck this kamikaze plane, tamagotchi playin'.
Shots of saki takin' motherfucker.
What the fuck?
Ooh, I get it.
Fuck Lucy liu and sulu too.
Fuck your ninja stars, your Subaru, fuck Buddha and confucius too.
Wait, actually I don't know if I should be rhyming all that, I don't know how China attacks.
I'm not trying to get a cyber-attack or trying to get hacked.
He's disrespectful!
If you were on your death bed and saw your life in a flash.
It would be you designing an app, dining on cats, and doing science and math.
- What the fuck is he doing? - This fool is killing himself right now!
Samurais take this hari-kari shit seriously, bruh!
Your family's either making civics or has a nail and facial business.
I'm surprised the movie crash didn't have more asians in it
that's foul. That's foul.
Why is it so hard for you to drive?
I seen crouching tiger, hidden dragon, you motherfuckers used to fly.
You know what you call goin' with an Asian on a uber ride?
What's that? =suicide!
If I cut your voice box I bet you'd bleed soy sauce.
When you're at the arcade they mistakin' your eyes for the coin slots.
This Asian is an overachiever, you be catchin' more dogs than you can store in the freezer.
Your idea of playing catch is throwing a cleaver at a golden retriever.
So if I call you arice farming, bootlegging,
dry cleaning, bad driving piece of shit and these dudes'll laugh.
And if you're wondering why I'm dissing asians, you do the math.
I don't know what the fuck just happened, but I love what the fuck just happened.
Devine, I know you not gonna let him talk to him, I mean talk to you like that, right?
Hell no.
A"ight, let's get it then.
This bitch got at me for being Asian, mmm... but came with some weak shit.
So now I gotta get on my shit dissing ladies 'cause that's clearly what she is!
Aln't no vaginoplast' that can give her a tighter snatch.
This bitch got a wider gap than the income between white and black.
That's a wide gap! That's a wide gap!
If she ain't giving up the pussy, you could get sucked then, that's a black ho.
I said even if she ain't giving up the pussy,
you could get sucked in, that's a black hole!
Before I even let the gun kiss her I'ma give this bitch a tic tac.
Whoo!
'Cause I'm brushin' so loud. What she's spitting got a kickback!
They be havin' stage fright when I whip out this dick.
'Cause it'll make a bitch choke and then forget how to spit.
She too ugly to even feed her the d, the only way a nigga keep her in gs.
If she ayesha curry and her cookin' make niggas weak in the knees.
She be having welfare babies, but I give the hustle respect.
'Cause we both sonnin' niggas just for the check!
I know y'all confused by what we doin', so check it, we just figured
we'd flip the same shit we always hear from you fuck niggas!
So yo pro, we killed this shit, we fuckin' em up, nigga.
And as for the rest of y'all, you can do them cliché bars.
But you can't do them better than us, nigga!
Devine won that clearly, no debating.
Yeah, but she was goin' at herself basically. So... prospek won?
Nah, nah, prospek lost, but he was dissin' asians, so which means he... beat himself?
We need algebra for this shit, bruh.
That's some shit that could only happen in Oakland, you feel me?
Make some noise for those fools bodying everybody within a five-mile radius with that shit!
That worked out perfect.
Hell yeah! Your female bars were crazy.
Yo, your Asian bars, too. They gon' make China a no-fly zone for you.
That shit was wild, bro. Y'all took me on a roller coaster of emotions.
I don't know how many people here got what y'all did. Pure genius.
Your sensei would be proud, bro.
Oh, he died.
Wait... for real?
Yeah. He got in another fight at the restaurant and one dude pulled a knife out.
Roundhoused like four dudes before he dropped though. Went out like a g.
Respect.
Dope battle, anyway.
We gonna need a minute to recover from that.
But comin' up next though, we got my man behn grym versus Adam. Okay?
Where the hell is Adam at? Adam, come to the ring.
Where is Adam? Why is the white boy on cp time?
You thougnt since I'm a white boy that he would scare me pale?
You can'trep the brothers grym, your life is a fairy tale.
Get hit with a combo breaker, the Boston strangler,
from the casa de vega. You soccer player slash commentator, "la bamba" singer,
shout out to all the Spanish armada raiders, that came through your fuckin' crib
and took your mom and raped her.
Good luck.
This is it, the first main event of the night.
Master versus protege. Sensei versus student. Jedi versus padawan.
The rapper on my right needs no introduction.
He's a bay area legend, so put some respect on his name.
Behn grym.
Rapper on my left, he may need an intro or two...
Let's just fucking do this.
A'ight. Adam won the coin toss, so it's two minutes on behn. Let's work.
Yeah. Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about!
They talkin' wild out here, like I ain't better than my own protégé.
Well, you and megaton both takin' I's tonight,
'cause he ain't even a pro to che!
And as for Adam,
the mack'll more than hurt him, you'll get lowered into an open grave.
You thrift shoppin'.
You get put in a suit off some throwaways.
Red-headed bitches is freaks
'cause me and his mom known to get wild
it's more than a metaphor when I treat this redhead like my stepchild.
He smashed your mom?
Look at his face! Look at his face!
And we didn't even make it to the room, I smashed her in the lobby.
I'm like a priest at the communion, I'll turn this cracker into a body!
He performs spoken word, so after I slam this poet he'll feel back in his prime.
'Cause I ain't gotta clap him, I just snap him after his lines.
So it was never really right to call this cat a rookie.
You know spoken word is like a dental dam.
It's just a wrap for pussies.
His mom and dad is rich, so if we Rob him it's more than snatchin' a chain.
I'll hit him with the silver spoon so far back in his mouth, he gets stabbed in the brain.
I'll revoke your hood pass, make sure you not good in here.
His last name is merkin, so you know we got a fake pussy here!
You a culture thief, a vulture, a leech.
Why you usin' the voice that black people use to talk to police?
You grew up at Broadway and park place, you not in these streets.
I'll put the iron to this square like a monopoly piece!
He so mad he can't be black that he's bitter.
When teachers asked what he wanna be when he grew up, he answered, "a nigga."
So, outta spite, he became a klansman, but black men is what this faggot is in-ta.
How you k. K. K. When you fuck black men?
You the Kardashian sisters!
All your shit for pro was racist, but you say you not racist?
That's some crazy stuff.
This nigga starts every sentence he ever say with
“I hate to be racist, but...”
You a high-in-sait type cracker, when I'm done with this soft white rapper
he'll be online after typin' "all lives matter!"
Oh my god!
Make some noise!
Black lives matter, Adam!
You said my mom's a whore?
- Yeah. - He did say that. He did say.
Well, you're right.
So it's time you got some viral shots
'cause if it burns when you piss now,
you know why they call her a fire-crotch!
He fuckin' you up already, man.
That boy don't play, man.
What, what, what, you thought since I'm a white boy that he would scare me pale?
You can't rep the brothers grym, your life is a fairy tale.
Wow, brother grym.
You and your wife are on some boy meets world shit, and she's at best average.
You've been with one bitch your whole life, don't try to tell me behn's savage.
He doesn't have a set he's bangin', he was busy wedding plannin'.
How're you gonna make that bitch topanga when her pussy looks like topanga canyon!
Is that shit true? You only been with one bitch? Nigga! You need to experience life!
Fuck the guns you say you pack, man.
Me and your miss are knockin' boots.
And when I'm done I might kill that prostitute
like I'm trying to keep my Grand Theft Auto loot.
Yeah, she swallows too, she's like Kirby how she inhales every drop.
Then I'll do her like metal gear and put my solid snake in her box!
You don't own a sole caliber if you control-a gun it's Nintendo brand.
That's why the block won't fill your lines like you're in a Tetris jam.
Where you pulling weapons from?
'Cause you got punked by megaton without a tec in hand.
If you really had those big arms, you would've taken a shot at mega man!
I know you're probably wondering why I designed these bars
about video games for my writtens.
It's 'cause this motherfucker designs video games for a livin'!
Wait. What?
Tell them the truth, tell them these gun bars are just bluffing for fame.
Tell them what you really mean when you say you're making money from the game!
You ain't going hard in the gutter, you're dealing with marketing numbers.
If you got fire power from the pipe you're playing Mario brothers.
The closest thing you get to beef is when kids on x-box trash talk to each other.
The closest you get to pimpin'
is when you come home and tell your daughter you love her!
Oh, shit, y'all didn't know?
Yeah, he's a family man.
So if he's talking about sharing cells, it ain't jail, he's just got a family plan.
So I'm exposing my own friend, I'm on that white devil shit.
I just showed this game designer what the next level is!
Sorry, my nigga, but if what he sayin' true, we riding with the real gangster.
Ain't finna be over here catching no stray shrapnel for no frog man?
Y'all switching sides? Y'all switching sides? Aw man, that's cold, bruh.
Ey grym, you wanna pass the controller,
or you got something for Adam mister video game man?
So you wanna diss my wife?
Cool.
1 guess I gotta let you know what's up.
For comin' at-her-I'll have bullets riddlin' your frame, nigga, now focus up!
I'm a beast to this boy, I'll shoot at his team and clap whoever.
Mca, ad-rock.
Adam'll either die first or lose his man forever.
They say he'd kill me, it's over him the priest say "amen".
The tables is turned, they mourning Adam like he dj am!
Your girl dumped you over some battle rap shit.
That's a true story, b.
So you lost some pussy to win a battle?
Only thing fucked is your priorities.
He got a point.
And her name is Maya, like the people who worshipped gods with savage rites.
So it's only right that Maya ripped his heart out like a human sacrifice!
His dad's a famous writer,
so wherever you go his shadow hits you.
What a surprise. Another white bitch with daddy issues.
They say you a dope writer, but you not the best in your family, is you?
Shit, if he was to battle with you, you'd be Marvin gaye.
Your old man would kill you!
You a shermanator impersonator,
walkin' around here with your panties tangled.
Corniest red-headed bitch in rap since Jay flipped the Annie sample.
See, we both got treated like disease 'cause society didn't like us.
Well fuck that.
I'd rather have nigger-it is than ginger-vitis!
See, it was that one time I let you try sayin' "nigga" fast.
But it really don't matter if you get a nigga pass if you ain't felt a nigga's past!
If we was to go around and start killing crackers.
I'm coming to your college where you chill, son.
You thought we wouldn't get revenge for Mike brown?
I'll catch you there and will son.
Black lives matter! Black lives matter!
He did a school project on battle rap.
That's the only reason his hoass got to talk to me.
So here's my interview answer, Adam.
Eat a dick.
And you better quote that properly!
Wow. Now we got a battle! Now we got a battle!
Behn grym got his balls back.
I, I, il man, it's back on my white boy. Let's finish this motherfucker, man!
You wanna get personal? Let's get personal.
His real name is osiris.
That's the Egyptian death god whose wife is Isis
which is perfect, 'cause if he's home late she'll take his fucking head off!
Yeah my bitch ripped my heart out. At least that's the only body part I have gone.
Your bitch?
Call her LeBron with how easy she keeps your balls in her palm!
She's a stuck-up cunt.
Wherever they go she makes him pay.
The way you stunt to stay in the box, it's like you're David Blaine.
I just wonder what your ancestors who were slaves would say.
'Cause you get cuffed and whipped by the ball and chain
till you're fifty shades of grey!
Yo, he's goin' in on wifey!
Hey, man. Holla at me later, I know a good divorce lawyer, baby.
But for real,
I respect how having a family changed your life's focus.
Especially after your kid was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis.
That's why you did this battle, to pay for her care with the funds.
So you're putting food on her plate.
Too bad you can't put air in her lungs!
With every breath she takes, she feels the sting like it's hard labor.
She sounds like Darth Vader choking to death on a jawbreaker.
The shit she coughs up looks like an abstract painting, she'll probably be an art major.
She can't do the most basic parts of living, it's obvious god hates her!
And now your battling career is finished.
It's running its course.
It's like your daughter, gasping for breath and always coming up short.
You hate the things other men would love to hear from their daughters.
Like when she tells you you're the air that she breathes,
it means you're a terrible father!
So I'll blow my secondhand smoke all in her face, and it's not a mistake.
Then I'll flick my cigarette at her fucking oxygen tank!
And the gene for her disease is mostly found in white men.
So you should have some questions for your wife then,
like "why the fuck is she so light-skinned?"
Yeah, let me see your "you're not the father" dance! Let me see it man!
She came out the pussy pre-approved for a mortgage.
Yo, shut the fuck up when I'm rapping!
You're trying to be my hypeman, I'd rather make you Cannon fodder.
I could beat you in a two-on-two match if I had his daughter as my partner!
No, chill out, bro. We was bigging you up.
No you shut the fuck up. You're talking during my rounds. And about his daughter.
Yo, you talking about his daughter! What you talkin' 'bout?
Yeah, but we was in a battle. Y'all just talking.
You're talking during my rounds.
Yo, chill. Keep it rap. Keep it rap! Keep it rap!
Yo, we can bein a fuckin' battle, if you want.
Since y'all on the same side, all of a sudden.
You're calling us out to battle? Right now?
If you feel a type of way.
Yeah we feel some type of way, you talking about my motherfucking daughter man.
Let's do it then, nigga. Fuck is you talkin' 'bout.
This is some old school battle type shit, okay.
We 'bout to have a freestyle battle, off the top.
No rules, no time limits. Make some noise for that!
Now 40 and bluntz, since y'all called them out, y'all down to go first?
We're always man.
Let's get it in then.
Adam, right?
You been soft half your life.
1 should grab your mics and Jackson, it don't matter if you're black or white.
Right now I'm blackin' like amistad with this fake g-eazy.
I'm greasy as mama's fried.
Dollar fries!
You been piggin' out in these battles, huh?
But they ain't get the scoop?
We cold!
And anybody hoggin dies!
What y'all?
The new em and dre?
Fake renegades, you been afraid.
Center stage, and I slay, it's beyond-sayin' you're lemonade.
You gon' get this work nigga! You definitely gon' get this work!
You started rapping a couple days ago, and you make games for PlayStation fo'.
But his gun? PlayStation one, you gotta wait to load.
Y'all team seem iffy.
That's cause they theme-screen "Disney".
His jeans scream "hippie" and his cheeks scream "pinch me".
They a couple!
- They a couple? - That's what I heard.
So in this battle y'already fought.
Tonight it's gonna be some real awkward pillow talk.
Nah, nah, nah, they an odd couple, that's why they not even.
And if you talk about my daughter in this battle,
you'll be the one that's not breathin', motherfucker!
Okay, okay.
You're both so emotional.
You talk shit then bitch and whine 'cause I replied?
I guess this is the future Drake wanted. What a time to be alive!
These rounds'll leave ya bleedin', then let's see how they can talk.
It's not one for the dead homies when they see that 40 pouring out on the block!
You don't need 'caine to move, you need canes to move, you old has-beens.
Can't even watch your own matches without turning on closed captions.
Both arms in they face, look like they both dabbin'.
And even though I'm white I'll light bluntz up.
'Cause we don't feel he got the flavor for dope rappin'!
See, they pull up, I spot 'em then I stretch 'em like a personal trainer.
Then I lift they soul up.
Like it's a personal savior!
I'm not tryna say all that.
It's my personal favor.
I'm tryna let these shells out early, they got perfect behavior!
Y'all are moving where you're not wanted.
That's how I know what it feels like to be gentrified.
How you gonna raise your fist at me like you ain't got a sense of pride?
I'm not hatin',
I'm just sayin' you on that transgender vibe.
The way you switchin' sides, ll can see the bitch inside.
You're a bitch mag, all you do is talk gossip shit and weight loss.
'Cause that's the only way these niggas'd get some flames off.
Is if we did a face swap!
Why are you wearing jewelry? You don't supply drugs.
And why are you wearing that
when you're the one that looks like they got shocked by a plug!
I'm eminem 'cause I'm white and can rhyme?
No, no, no, wait, wait now.
We talkin® history, then that's pac and that's biggie.
The only tragedy is that they didn't die in their prime.
Time!
Adam, that was crazy man.
I mean, I always knew you was hice with it,
but I never knew you went hard like that. Phew. Wow.
Respect.
Yo! That daughter shit man.
When you said you'd blow up her oxygen tank? That shit was crazy as fuck.
That's why I watch rap battles! You bodied his entire family!
Respect.
That battle was awesome. That two-on-two?
People are going to be talking about that forever. We should do some more of those.
Yeah, if the paper's right.
If shit got that heated between friends, imagine what's gonna happen
when we actually put two people in the ring who don't really fuck with each other.
Oh man. That's exactly what's about to happen,
because the main event of the epoch is going down right now.
I'm glad we're cool after all the shit that I said.
But it's battle rap. I knew you'd understand.
Yeah I understand.
We ain't cool, though.
The gun'll interrupt him on stage, I'll grab the mag-n-yeezy him.
Oh, my god. Y'all get it?
We got more!
Iron, minerals, magnesium.
Interrupt him on stage, grab the mag and fuckin' yeezy him?
Y'all need to wake the fuck up.
You the only one tired.
What about the two-on-two? We killed it up there.
Look, we cool on some rap shit. I respect your artistry. You can put together some bars.
But we ain't friends.
But, it's battle rap.
You said a bunch of personal stuff about me. Anything goes in a battle, right?
Yeah, anything goes.
But you think your words don't got fucking consequences?
Everybody calling you out on your shit. My girl. Your girl.
The whole Berkeley student body.
You keep telling yourself that they just don't understand,
so you can feel like a good person.
You know what you need to realize:
Youre not.
You are not a good person.
You're a degenerate scumbag.
This is where you belong.
Where are you going?
Where I belong. Home.
Home with my family.
You a muthafuckin' legend, bro! Legends respect legends. Keep doing your thing.
You heard.
A'ight, a'ight, ain't I ain't fuckin' with that? I know what y'all want.
Check this out, camel-breeder.
Your ho ain't loyal, she don't care a bit, motherfucker.
That's why I fucked yo bitch, you arabic motherfucker!
You walked in on us fuckin'.
She still tried to tell you, "baby, I'm just flirtin."
She a porn star, she took out the camera and said, "baby, I'm just workin!"
Time! Time!
Mega, it's on you.
¢ que Paso, mijo? I'm 'bout to murder you in front of your own people.
Grab the chrome eagle and do a drive-by in front of home depot.
I don't give a fuck if you're from ei Salvador or Puerto Rico.
That don't matter to me, bro.
'Cause if you can pack 44 of your folks and your close amigos
in a little four-door pinto then you're latino.
You think I give a fuck if you and my bitch date?
And I heard yall kissed, well that was your mistake
'cause now you can tell everybody in the crowd how my dick tastes.
So what you fucked my bitch?
So did everyone else.
And she said you had a small dick.
Matter fact, I'ma have her tell you herself!
Yo! Yes I fucked this pussy, and yes I'm a porn star if you can't tell.
I'd say he satisfied me.
But I can't even fake it that well.
To have a below-average dick, you'd need to be a couple inches bigger.
Yo, you thought we was fucking?
I thought I was being fingered.
I his better be good, Adam.
Hey, ba... uh, Maya.
Thanks for picking up. I know it's late.
And I'm also probably the last person you expected to or wanted to talk to right now.
But there's just something I really need to say to you. So please, just listen.
This shit is fuckin' rigged.
You're gonna just let him walk in with fuckin' special fuckin' guests?
This is the wave now?
Fuckin' battles with guest fuckin' versus, man?
This is some bullshit, man. Fuck that. I'm out this bitch.
You lost anyway!
I completely understand why you did what you did with the powerpoint.
And I... I forgive you.
I deserve it, even.
God, I was so terrible. To you, to our friends, to the whole world.
What I've realized is... is... is that...
You... you were right.
When you said that this wasn't me. I'm not this person. I'm not like those guys.
The best version of myself, the... the real version of myself, is when I was with you.
You make me a better person.
You make me me.
Maya, I want to be with you for the rest of my life.
With no more time off or mistakes or wrong directions.
Maya, what I'm trying to say is...
Will you marry me?
You want to get married?
Yes, yes!
More than anything else in the world, yes.
Are you out of your fucking mind?
Delete my number, you fucking racist homophobic misogynist fuck!
And stay the fuck away from me!
My opponent quit like a coward, so I guess I gotta start killin' his squad.
Starting with this bitch over here looking like biggie Mina, j.
Ho, you look like rah digga.
- Bitch, I will bury your ass! - If she was crossed with Godzilla,
a white dude, an Asian, a black girl, and a Mexican.
Who the fuck y'all supposed to be, the united colors of benetton?
Man, it's like the rap version of the village people.
Chill, chill!
Get the fuck outta my face, gramz!
Shut the fuck up! Anyone of you motherfucks. Little punk-ass chumps.
Somebody get this crazy ass out.
I'll battle any of y'all at once. Tell behn what's up!
What's up mag, what's up bluntz, I'll fuck both of you up!
It's another 40 mag. - Y'all ain't nothing but chumps.
Every single one of you fucks. I thought Adam you was a freestyler, right?
Then show me what's up. C'mon bitch show me what's up, you little fuckin' worm.
- Let's get it, you geeky-ass dweeb. - Adam, come on.
You little fuckin® dick suckin' McLovin. Come show me some of those freestyles, you fuck boy.
Man, I ain't the fuckin' kid to step to.
You see this? It's that look you have on your face
when you've been crying all day because your bitch just left you.
Maybe it's 'cause she found your boy George tapes and realized that you go both ways.
Or maybe it's no one wants to procreate with your macaulay culkin traits
and have a kid born one day with the same pointy nose and oval-shaped
Topher grace slash Norman bates-looking bony face.
They got me all the way out here in the golden state
battling with the same little white bitch that Tupac and Kobe raped!
What?
Before this cracker learned about the black panthers through his dad's lectures
he wanted to be a klan member but he found out he can't enter
'cause they didn't accept people that are transgender.
Yeah.
For setting this up, fuck you too, I don't trust you either
you should know the only reason that he wants to be here is "cause he got jungle fever
looking like Justin bieber in a fucking muscle t-shirt.
You're a fuckin' fan of hanson, Marilyn manson's grandson
this is a body bag that you ain't coming back from, straight up.
Shut the fuck up!
You think you're a super villain?
I'm about to tear your mask off.
'Cause now you're talkin' to the devil like Ivan karamazov.
You think 'cause you're a "terrorist martyr arabic scholar
preparing for allah” that you can't be served?
You're not a suicide bomber just 'cause you got the eyebrows of an angry bird!
So I'll go grab che and let him bust at you till the chopper jams.
On your falafel stand from his taco Van.
You're dating a porn star.
We all know what her vagina's touched.
Most terrorists get 72 virgins.
You got a bitch who's fucked 72 guys at once!
You think this shit's real?
You call me a faggot and half of these guys collapse from laughter.
Battle rap is so fucking corny I'm a battle rapper!
Here's an example.
You caught che with your girl and didn't throw a fist at the dude.
But you punched someone for getting in your face.
But if someone's getting in your bitch then it's cool?
These battlers are all soft, they just pull the tough guy shit for the views.
Well I'm all up in your face now, so what the fuck is this bitch gonna do?
What you goin' do?
What the fuck, man?
That little love tap?
That was real touching.
But I just murdered my own friend so you should know that I don't feel nothing!
You tap chins when you know you can't win.
You thought you could leave me on the ground?
I mighta lost a tooth, but... fuck it, I just beat you for the crown!
What you goin' do, hit him again?
I've been going to battles for mad years. And I ain't never seen no shit like that.
You the greatest white battle rapper of all time. Bar none. You the greatest.
White battle rapper.
Yo, you were fucking amazing.
Like seriously incredible.
I'm honored to be a part of that shit, bro.
Thanks, man.
Oh shit, I'm sorry.
Don't worry about it man, you good.
Adam! Adam! Adam! Adam! Adam! Adam!
Battle release aay, battle release day.
This is the one you been hearing about. If I came back from the future
to tell myself this shit happened, I'd tell myself to get the fuck outta here.
A battler so new he doesn't even have a fuckin' rap name
going up against the ultimate juggernaut of the scene.
I got it.
On the spot. =I know.
I know what my rap name should be.
My name is.
J hi, my name is, what? My name is, who? J
j my name is, chka-chka slim shady ;
j hi, my name is, huh? My name is, what? J»
j my name is, chka-chka slim shady ;
- j hi, my name is, what? - My name is, who? J
j my name is, chka-chka, slim shady ;
can I have the attention of the class for one second?
J my name is, chka-chka, slim shady ;
- hi, kids, do you like violence? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wanna see me stick nine-inch nails through each one of my eyelids?
Uh-huh.
- Wanna copy me and do exactly like I did? - Yeah, yeah.
Try 'cid and get fucked up worse than my life is?
Huh?
My brain's dead weight, I'm tryna get my head straight
but I can't figure out which spice girl I want to impregnate.
Oh.
And Dr. dre said...
"Slim shady, you a basehead”. =uh-ubh.
“Then why's your face red? Man, you wasted".
Well, since age 12, I felt like I'm someone else
'cause I hung my original self from the top bunk with a belt.
Got pissed off and ripped Pamela Lee's tits off
and smacked her so hard I knocked her clothes backwards like kris kross.
I smoke a fat pound of grass, and fall on my ass
faster than a fat bitch who sat down too fast.
Come here, slut. "Shady, wait a minute, that's my girl, dawg".
I don't give a fuck, god sent me to piss the world off.
J hi, my name is, what? My name is, who? J
j my name is, chka-chka slim shady ;
j hi, my name is, huh? My name is, what? J»
j my name is, chka-chka slim shady ;
j hi, my name is, what? My name is, who? J
j my name is, chk-chka slim shady ;
j hi, my name is, huh? My name is, what? J»
j my name is, chka-chka slim shady ;
my english teacher wanted to flunk me in junior high.
Shh.
I'nanks a lot, next semester I'll be 35.
I smacked him in his face with an eraser, chased him with a stapler
and stapled his nuts to a stack of paper. Ow!
Walked in the strip club, had my jacket zipped up.
Flashed the bartender, then stuck my dick in the tip cup.
Extraterrestrial, running over pedestrians in a spaceship
- while they're screaming at me. - Let's just be friends!
99 percent of my life, I was lied to.
I just found out my mom does more dope than I do. Damn.
I told her I'd grow up to be a famous rapper.
Make a record about doin' drugs and name it after her. - Oh, thank you.
You know you blew up when the women rush your stands
and try to touch your hands like some screamin' Usher fans. - Ahh, ahh, ahh.
This guy at white castle asked for my autograph. - Can I get your autograph?
I signed it, "dear Dave, thanks for the support, asshole”.
J hi, my name is, huh? My name is, who? J
j my name is, chka-chka slim shady ;
j hi, my name is, what? My name is, who? J
j my name is, chka-chka slim shady ;
j hi, my name is, huh? My name is, who? J
j my name is, chka-chka slim shady ;
j hi, my name is, what? My name is, who? J
j my name is, chka-chka slim shady ;
stop the tape, this kid needs to be locked away =-get him.
Dr. dre, don't just stand there, operate.
I'm not ready to leave, it's too scary to die. Fuck that.
I'tl have to be carried inside the cemetery and buried alive.
Huh, yup.
Am I comin' or goin'? I can barely decide.
I just drank a fifth of vodka, dare me to drive? - Go ahead.
All my life I was very deprived.
I ain't had a woman in years and my palms are too hairy to hide.
Whoops.
Clothes ripped like the incredible hulk.
I spit when I talk, I'll fuck anything that walks. Come here.
When I was little, I used to get so hungry I would throw fits.
How you gonna breastfeed me, mom? You ain't got no tits. - Waa, waa!
I lay awake and strap myself in the bed
with a bulletproof vest on and shoot myself in the head. - Bang.
'Cause I'm steamin' mad. =grr!
- And by the way, when you see my dad? - Yeah?
Tell him that I slit his throat in this dream I had.
J hi, my name is, what? My name is, who? J
j my name is, chka-chka slim shady ;
j hi, my name is, huh? My name is, what? J»
j my name is, chka-chka slim shady ;
j hi, my name is, who? My name is, huh? J
j my name is, chka-chka slim shady ;
j hi, my name is, huh? My name is, who? J
j my name is, chka-chka slim shady ;
jdd