1
00:00:07,633 --> 00:00:09,635
You're walking
way too fast.

2
00:00:09,719 --> 00:00:10,970
What room did she say?

3
00:00:11,053 --> 00:00:12,304
Twelve. Room 12.

4
00:00:12,388 --> 00:00:13,806
I think she said ten.

5
00:00:13,889 --> 00:00:15,850
- I heard eight.
- She said 12.

6
00:00:15,933 --> 00:00:18,144
I'll go back and check.
Should I go back and check?

7
00:00:18,227 --> 00:00:19,854
Yes. Go back and check.

8
00:00:19,937 --> 00:00:21,272
Are you being sarcastic?

9
00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:22,755
The cab driver
was an idiot.

10
00:00:22,815 --> 00:00:24,055
We're so sorry, Shirley.

11
00:00:25,067 --> 00:00:26,610
Oy, my God.

12
00:00:26,694 --> 00:00:28,279
It's bad, isn't it, Abe?

13
00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:30,406
Papa? You want to
go get people coffee?

14
00:00:30,489 --> 00:00:32,241
- Who wants coffee?
- Mm-mm.

15
00:00:32,324 --> 00:00:34,785
- Everyone wants coffee.
- Guess I'll get coffee.

16
00:00:34,869 --> 00:00:36,662
- Oh.
- What are they saying?

17
00:00:36,746 --> 00:00:38,914
- They say he's going to die.
- They didn't say that.

18
00:00:38,998 --> 00:00:40,791
Well, they said
he's probably going to die.

19
00:00:40,875 --> 00:00:42,793
Ma, they're still doing tests.

20
00:00:42,877 --> 00:00:44,336
A lot of tests but no word yet.

21
00:00:44,420 --> 00:00:46,547
"No word" means he's
definitely going to die.

22
00:00:46,630 --> 00:00:47,923
You don't know that, Shirley.

23
00:00:48,007 --> 00:00:49,884
- You know something
that I don't?
- No.

24
00:00:49,967 --> 00:00:51,903
That gypsy fortune teller
speak to somebody upstairs

25
00:00:51,927 --> 00:00:52,928
and tell you the future?

26
00:00:53,012 --> 00:00:54,114
- Ma.
- Because I was sitting

27
00:00:54,138 --> 00:00:55,378
right here when the doctor said

28
00:00:55,431 --> 00:00:58,684
he absolutely,
positively is going to die.

29
00:00:58,768 --> 00:01:00,311
Miriam!

30
00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:01,729
I didn't bring my wallet.

31
00:01:01,812 --> 00:01:03,355
That's okay.
No one wants coffee.

32
00:01:03,439 --> 00:01:05,107
Then why did you send me
to get coffee?

33
00:01:05,191 --> 00:01:07,693
Just stay with Shirley
and don't speak.

34
00:01:07,777 --> 00:01:10,112
But-but where are you going?

35
00:01:10,196 --> 00:01:11,447
We'll be right back.

36
00:01:11,530 --> 00:01:13,032
Could you bring me a coffee?

37
00:01:13,115 --> 00:01:15,493
Mm-hmm. Are you okay?

38
00:01:15,618 --> 00:01:17,578
I killed him.
I killed my father.

39
00:01:17,661 --> 00:01:19,038
- Joel, no.
- Yes.

40
00:01:19,121 --> 00:01:20,664
Yes, I'm like that guy, uh...

41
00:01:20,748 --> 00:01:22,082
- Who was it?
- Who was who?

42
00:01:22,166 --> 00:01:23,810
The guy in the Bible
that killed his father.

43
00:01:23,834 --> 00:01:25,169
I don't know. Uh, Abraham?

44
00:01:25,252 --> 00:01:27,254
No. He was the one
who almost killed his son.

45
00:01:27,338 --> 00:01:29,298
- Absalom?
- No. It didn't start
with an "A."

46
00:01:29,381 --> 00:01:30,883
Uh, Oedipus?

47
00:01:30,966 --> 00:01:32,694
- That's not the Bible.
- But he killed his father.

48
00:01:32,718 --> 00:01:33,803
And married his mother.

49
00:01:33,886 --> 00:01:35,513
Well, other than that,
I'm that guy.

50
00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:37,306
Joel...

51
00:01:37,389 --> 00:01:39,558
What happened?

52
00:01:39,642 --> 00:01:42,228
He, uh, he came to the club.
He had the costumes with him.

53
00:01:42,311 --> 00:01:44,396
- Uh, a pineapple, a carrot.
Very cute.
- I know.

54
00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:46,440
Oh, there was an option
of them both being grapes.

55
00:01:46,482 --> 00:01:48,001
If you wanted to keep Esther
from running off,

56
00:01:48,025 --> 00:01:49,211
- you'd tie 'em together
like a bunch of...
- Uh-huh.

57
00:01:49,235 --> 00:01:50,420
- Circle back around, honey.
- Right.

58
00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:52,488
Uh, so I thought,
he's here, he's happy.

59
00:01:52,571 --> 00:01:54,490
Good time to tell him about Mei.

60
00:01:54,573 --> 00:01:56,200
- What did you say?
- I was nervous,

61
00:01:56,283 --> 00:01:58,661
so I-I just blurted shit out,
and I think I kind of

62
00:01:58,744 --> 00:02:00,344
mushed "Chinese"
and "pregnant" together.

63
00:02:00,371 --> 00:02:02,432
I should've let one sink in,
then hit him with the other.

64
00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:03,791
I don't think it was you.

65
00:02:03,874 --> 00:02:06,085
Really. I think it was me.

66
00:02:06,168 --> 00:02:07,586
- What?
- I did it. I killed Moishe.

67
00:02:07,670 --> 00:02:08,980
- You did not kill Moishe.
- Our last conversation,

68
00:02:09,004 --> 00:02:10,524
I told him I couldn't
pay him his money,

69
00:02:10,548 --> 00:02:12,442
and he literally told me
he was having a heart attack.

70
00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:13,759
- When was this?
- Two weeks ago.

71
00:02:13,843 --> 00:02:15,386
Pretty slow heart attack.

72
00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:17,197
But maybe I laid the track for
him to have the heart attack.

73
00:02:17,221 --> 00:02:19,491
Got him started, and then you
came in and finished him off.

74
00:02:19,515 --> 00:02:21,326
- This is very comforting.
- You didn't kill your father.

75
00:02:21,350 --> 00:02:23,036
- Well, neither did you.
- Room 12.
Moishe Maisel.

76
00:02:23,060 --> 00:02:24,436
The wife's a hysterical.

77
00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:26,564
I-I should get back in there

78
00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:27,967
to listen to them
tell us nothing.

79
00:02:28,023 --> 00:02:29,251
Because otherwise,
it's a long time

80
00:02:29,275 --> 00:02:30,710
before they come back
to tell us nothing.

81
00:02:30,734 --> 00:02:32,820
Twelve. I think it's room 12.
Joel, Midge, how is he?

82
00:02:32,903 --> 00:02:34,446
We don't know.
He's unconscious.

83
00:02:34,530 --> 00:02:35,447
Unconscious?

84
00:02:35,531 --> 00:02:37,575
Jesus. I'm so sorry.

85
00:02:37,616 --> 00:02:40,703
- Thanks, pal.
- No, I mean...

86
00:02:40,786 --> 00:02:42,329
- I killed your father, Joel.
- What?

87
00:02:42,413 --> 00:02:44,039
I lost the money.

88
00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:46,309
If that money hadn't have gotten
ripped out of my hands...

89
00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:47,853
- Archie.
- That's when
all the trouble started.

90
00:02:47,877 --> 00:02:49,688
I had nothing to do with this,
so I'll just be the person

91
00:02:49,712 --> 00:02:51,273
- who pats people's arms.
- Calm down, Arch.

92
00:02:51,297 --> 00:02:52,506
Really.
It's nice you're here.

93
00:02:52,590 --> 00:02:54,025
Should I go tell your mother
it was my fault?

94
00:02:54,049 --> 00:02:55,861
- I'll do it later.
- This way to room 12?

95
00:02:55,885 --> 00:02:57,725
Finally. I left you a message
over an hour ago.

96
00:02:57,761 --> 00:02:59,321
- Where have you been?
- Yankee Stadium.

97
00:02:59,388 --> 00:03:01,199
- Why?
- Because the message
you left Li Wei said,

98
00:03:01,223 --> 00:03:02,516
"Go to Yankee Stadium."

99
00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:04,035
I've got to get a better
fucking dictionary.

100
00:03:04,059 --> 00:03:06,145
How is he?

101
00:03:07,396 --> 00:03:09,940
- I don't know.
- He'll be okay.

102
00:03:10,024 --> 00:03:12,276
Wait, what was that?
What just happened?

103
00:03:12,359 --> 00:03:14,194
Yeah, I'm getting
a lot of action today.

104
00:03:14,278 --> 00:03:16,196
Doctor! Get the doctor.

105
00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:17,640
- Why? What happened?
- Abe!

106
00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:19,783
Get back here.
Nothing's changed.

107
00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:22,036
I distinctly heard
a death rattle.

108
00:03:22,119 --> 00:03:24,455
You just dropped your keys.

109
00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:26,874
Come on, Papa.
I'll hold your keys.

110
00:03:34,423 --> 00:03:37,009
<i>Okay, Abe, Zelda and I
are heading to the house</i>

111
00:03:37,092 --> 00:03:39,511
<i>to get Shirley's things.</i>

112
00:03:39,595 --> 00:03:42,181
Try to get some rest, Shirley.

113
00:03:42,264 --> 00:03:44,099
Mm.

114
00:03:56,737 --> 00:04:03,077
♪ <i>You don't need</i>
<i>a halo or wings...</i>

115
00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:07,039
Thank you for letting me
spend the night here, Abe.

116
00:04:07,122 --> 00:04:10,417
That house without Moishe...

117
00:04:10,501 --> 00:04:13,587
You can stay here
as long as you want.

118
00:04:19,301 --> 00:04:24,932
♪ <i>With eyes that</i>
<i>lull me to dreams...</i>

119
00:04:25,015 --> 00:04:28,060
Just wanted to make sure it
was working in case they call.

120
00:04:28,143 --> 00:04:30,646
You're welcome to sit
and watch with me.

121
00:04:30,729 --> 00:04:34,942
- I could make us a drink.
- Ah, drink would be good.

122
00:04:38,112 --> 00:04:42,074
- You know, Moishe and I have
the most beautiful burial plots.
- Uh-huh.

123
00:04:42,157 --> 00:04:44,994
There's a tree right overhead,

124
00:04:45,077 --> 00:04:47,079
and Moishe sprung
for a little bench

125
00:04:47,162 --> 00:04:50,332
- so people could sit.
- Sit? Sure, sure.

126
00:04:50,416 --> 00:04:52,835
He also sprung for
the maintenance package,

127
00:04:52,918 --> 00:04:55,963
which means the cemetery people
have to cut the grass

128
00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:58,465
and empty the vases once a week.

129
00:05:02,177 --> 00:05:03,887
Do you and Rose
have your plots yet?

130
00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:05,764
Have you ever seen
<i>The Twilight Zone?</i>

131
00:05:05,848 --> 00:05:07,641
It's a terrific program.

132
00:05:07,725 --> 00:05:09,768
No. Is it on now?

133
00:05:09,852 --> 00:05:12,980
No. No, it's not, damn it.

134
00:05:13,063 --> 00:05:15,024
You know, you and Rose
should really hurry up

135
00:05:15,107 --> 00:05:17,026
and get those plots.

136
00:05:17,109 --> 00:05:19,862
You don't want to leave
any of the planning to the kids.

137
00:05:19,945 --> 00:05:21,989
Knowing Miriam,

138
00:05:22,072 --> 00:05:25,117
she'll probably want
to get you a funny casket.

139
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:28,871
Like one that's shaped like
a shamrock or a schvantz.

140
00:05:28,954 --> 00:05:30,748
Can you imagine?

141
00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:32,624
Well, I can now.

142
00:05:35,044 --> 00:05:37,796
Moishe wants an obituary
in <i>The New York Times,</i>

143
00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:40,049
just like Albert Einstein.

144
00:05:40,132 --> 00:05:42,509
He had the nicest obituary.

145
00:05:42,593 --> 00:05:44,928
I wonder who wrote it.

146
00:05:47,222 --> 00:05:49,850
We never...
we never got to Turkey.

147
00:05:49,933 --> 00:05:51,852
Turkey? Why Turkey?

148
00:05:51,935 --> 00:05:55,272
We had a plumber
that was from Turkey.

149
00:05:59,234 --> 00:06:01,945
- What are you gonna do
if Rose goes first?
- What?

150
00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:05,532
Oh, no.
I-I'm definitely going first.

151
00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:11,872
I think God is a cruel god.
Don't you?

152
00:06:11,955 --> 00:06:14,708
Well, I actually think God is

153
00:06:14,792 --> 00:06:17,252
more of a brilliant
marketing ploy.

154
00:06:18,295 --> 00:06:21,131
It's cruel that people know
they're going to die.

155
00:06:21,215 --> 00:06:23,300
It's like someone telling you
the end of a movie

156
00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:25,344
before you've seen it.

157
00:06:25,427 --> 00:06:28,222
I mean, how much fun is it
sitting through <i>Casablanca</i>

158
00:06:28,305 --> 00:06:31,433
if you already know
Ingrid Bergman isn't ending up

159
00:06:31,517 --> 00:06:33,894
with Humphrey Bogart?

160
00:06:33,977 --> 00:06:37,898
No tap dancing, no dwarves.

161
00:06:37,981 --> 00:06:40,776
One song, and Bogart walks off

162
00:06:40,859 --> 00:06:42,861
with the guy
who hangs out with Nazis.

163
00:06:44,113 --> 00:06:46,824
It is a very overrated movie.

164
00:06:47,866 --> 00:06:50,035
You know, when my grandfather
was kidnapped...

165
00:06:50,119 --> 00:06:53,080
Hold on.
Your grandfather was kidnapped?

166
00:06:53,163 --> 00:06:54,998
- Yes.
- By who?

167
00:06:55,082 --> 00:06:58,043
Well, first we thought
it was anarchists,

168
00:06:58,127 --> 00:07:00,254
but then we found out
it was the Ubramawitz boys

169
00:07:00,337 --> 00:07:02,422
- from around the corner.
- Why?

170
00:07:02,506 --> 00:07:04,341
Oh, who knows
why boys do anything?

171
00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:06,885
Anyhow, before we got him back,

172
00:07:06,969 --> 00:07:10,639
when my grandmother thought
he was gone for good,

173
00:07:10,722 --> 00:07:13,225
she said, "He's lucky.

174
00:07:13,308 --> 00:07:16,478
He died with all his teeth."

175
00:07:16,562 --> 00:07:19,398
That's the best
you can hope for in life,

176
00:07:19,481 --> 00:07:22,693
that you die
with all your teeth.

177
00:07:26,989 --> 00:07:28,407
Abe.

178
00:07:29,825 --> 00:07:31,994
I just want you to know,

179
00:07:32,077 --> 00:07:36,498
if Rose goes first,
I will be there to help.

180
00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:40,544
Thank you, Shirley.

181
00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:49,988
Susie Myerson and Associates.

182
00:07:50,012 --> 00:07:51,471
Uh-huh.

183
00:07:51,555 --> 00:07:53,015
Could you talk a little faster?

184
00:07:53,098 --> 00:07:55,517
We only have one line,
so while I'm talking to you,

185
00:07:55,601 --> 00:07:57,078
three other calls could be
trying to come in.

186
00:07:57,102 --> 00:07:58,812
Fucking
working on it, Dinah!

187
00:07:58,896 --> 00:08:00,063
Wait.

188
00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:01,690
- Are the kids here?
- Yes.

189
00:08:01,773 --> 00:08:03,413
You have to warn me
when the kids are here

190
00:08:03,442 --> 00:08:05,086
- so I don't say "fuck."
- The kids are here.

191
00:08:05,110 --> 00:08:07,446
- Shit!
- I'll have her call you back.

192
00:08:07,529 --> 00:08:08,965
Do I need to know
who that was?

193
00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:10,991
Nope.
Susie Myerson and Associates.

194
00:08:11,074 --> 00:08:12,993
- Pick a card.
- I am not picking a card.

195
00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:14,494
Fine.

196
00:08:14,578 --> 00:08:16,496
I'll just look
through your wallet instead.

197
00:08:16,580 --> 00:08:18,707
Ah. She's got other boyfriends.

198
00:08:18,790 --> 00:08:20,334
You know that's not magic.

199
00:08:20,417 --> 00:08:22,085
That's five to ten
where I come from.

200
00:08:22,169 --> 00:08:24,087
Not if you ask them
to pick a card first.

201
00:08:24,171 --> 00:08:25,589
...care of
Dinah Rutledge.

202
00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:27,032
We brought some
sfogliatelle today.

203
00:08:27,090 --> 00:08:28,568
- I don't smell coffee.
- Bye.

204
00:08:28,592 --> 00:08:30,969
Dinah, this I take personally.

205
00:08:31,053 --> 00:08:33,055
- Dinah...
- Make the coffee
yourself, Nicky.

206
00:08:33,138 --> 00:08:34,848
Susie Myerson and Associates.

207
00:08:34,932 --> 00:08:36,367
- Where are the coffee filters?
- Yes, we handle him.

208
00:08:36,391 --> 00:08:37,517
They're talking about me.

209
00:08:37,601 --> 00:08:38,921
You know I'm doing
something here.

210
00:08:38,977 --> 00:08:39,996
I will have to check
the calendar

211
00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:40,938
and talk to Miss Myerson
about that.

212
00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:43,065
Look, I'll call you back.

213
00:08:43,148 --> 00:08:45,335
You know, you should
get a second line in here.

214
00:08:45,359 --> 00:08:46,610
Fuck you, Frank!

215
00:08:46,693 --> 00:08:48,087
Wait, the kids are still here?

216
00:08:48,111 --> 00:08:49,529
- Yep.
- Goddamn it.

217
00:08:49,613 --> 00:08:51,114
Susie Myerson and Associates.

218
00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:53,450
- Dinah!
- Can you hold, please?

219
00:08:55,410 --> 00:08:56,954
What do you got, Maggie?

220
00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:59,373
Someone calling about
that weird magic guy.

221
00:08:59,456 --> 00:09:01,056
- Does he do birthday parties?
- Hold on.

222
00:09:02,084 --> 00:09:03,126
Hold on.

223
00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:04,354
Does Alfie do birthday parties?

224
00:09:04,378 --> 00:09:05,671
Only if it's Billy Wilder's.

225
00:09:05,754 --> 00:09:08,382
I love when they talk about me
like I'm not here.

226
00:09:08,465 --> 00:09:10,133
No, I really do.

227
00:09:10,217 --> 00:09:11,819
You know the minute they get
another chair in here,

228
00:09:11,843 --> 00:09:13,345
our relationship is over, right?

229
00:09:13,428 --> 00:09:15,281
They asked, what if they
threw in car fare and lunch?

230
00:09:15,305 --> 00:09:17,116
- No birthday parties...
- I don't know what you're looking at.

231
00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:19,911
- I did not bring these for you.
- - I'm sorry, that's not gonna work.

232
00:09:19,935 --> 00:09:21,788
That's a big no there, Maggie.

233
00:09:21,812 --> 00:09:23,873
Geez, wouldn't have thought a
magician could pick and choose.

234
00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,399
No.

235
00:09:25,482 --> 00:09:27,210
You got Maggie
working for you now, huh?

236
00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:28,795
Well, I tell people
if they can't get through here

237
00:09:28,819 --> 00:09:30,696
to call over there.
You know Maggie?

238
00:09:30,779 --> 00:09:33,073
I know her boss, Gil.
He paints houses for us.

239
00:09:33,156 --> 00:09:34,741
Huh. I thought he was a plumber.

240
00:09:34,825 --> 00:09:37,452
Susie Myerson and Associates?

241
00:09:37,536 --> 00:09:39,871
Dinah, it's Midge. I need to
talk to Susie for a moment.

242
00:09:39,955 --> 00:09:41,516
Hi, Midge. We don't have
any bookings for you.

243
00:09:41,540 --> 00:09:42,833
I'll tell her you called. Bye.

244
00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:44,209
<i>Dinah, wait...</i>

245
00:09:44,293 --> 00:09:45,395
Cissy, what's that
in your mouth?

246
00:09:45,419 --> 00:09:46,753
I'm no snitch!

247
00:09:46,837 --> 00:09:48,714
Couldn't be prouder.

248
00:09:48,797 --> 00:09:50,757
- Dinah!
- Yeah, Maggie?

249
00:09:50,841 --> 00:09:53,635
Florenz Ziegfeld's on the phone!
It's very important!

250
00:09:53,719 --> 00:09:55,220
Okay. Send him over.

251
00:09:55,304 --> 00:09:57,139
Susie, Florenz Ziegfeld's
on the phone.

252
00:09:57,222 --> 00:09:59,142
- Are you sure?
- Yes, I'm sure.

253
00:09:59,224 --> 00:10:00,994
- The light's not lit up.
- It's on the other line.

254
00:10:01,018 --> 00:10:03,121
- I thought we didn't have
another line.
- The clothesline.

255
00:10:03,145 --> 00:10:05,290
- What?
- Just come get it. I have to
pick up the other phone.

256
00:10:05,314 --> 00:10:06,749
What do you mean you have to
pick up the other phone?

257
00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:08,108
Aren't you on the other phone?

258
00:10:08,191 --> 00:10:09,735
Susie Myerson and Associates.

259
00:10:09,818 --> 00:10:11,611
Wait, isn't
Florenz Ziegfeld dead?

260
00:10:11,695 --> 00:10:12,696
Yep. He died in '32.

261
00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:15,324
Let me check.
What was that date again?

262
00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:18,827
Great system
we got here.

263
00:10:18,910 --> 00:10:20,454
This is Susie Myerson.

264
00:10:20,537 --> 00:10:21,830
Too fucking busy for me?

265
00:10:21,913 --> 00:10:22,998
- Miriam?
- <i>Yes.</i>

266
00:10:23,081 --> 00:10:24,291
Oh, so Ziegfeld is dead.

267
00:10:24,374 --> 00:10:25,792
Course he is. I saw the body.

268
00:10:25,876 --> 00:10:27,186
Listen, Joel's father
had a heart attack.

269
00:10:27,210 --> 00:10:28,521
I have to get back
to the hospital.

270
00:10:28,545 --> 00:10:29,921
Do you think
you could send someone

271
00:10:30,005 --> 00:10:31,923
- down to the club
to sub for me?
- Uh, hold on.

272
00:10:32,007 --> 00:10:34,259
James, you want to fill in
for Midge down at the Wolford?

273
00:10:34,343 --> 00:10:36,261
You know, easy money,
half-naked chicks?

274
00:10:36,345 --> 00:10:38,388
You promised not
to book me toilet gigs.

275
00:10:38,472 --> 00:10:40,098
Tell him I heard that.

276
00:10:40,182 --> 00:10:41,808
Never mind.
I'll think of something.

277
00:10:41,892 --> 00:10:44,394
Okay. Sorry about your
not at all father-in-law.

278
00:10:44,478 --> 00:10:45,979
- Uh-huh.
- <i>Just gonna keep saying it</i>

279
00:10:46,063 --> 00:10:47,230
<i>till it sinks the fuck in.</i>

280
00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:48,499
Kids are still here,
aren't they?

281
00:10:48,523 --> 00:10:49,441
- Yep.
- Mother...

282
00:10:49,524 --> 00:10:50,734
- Susie.
- Yep.

283
00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:53,421
<i>Village Voice.</i>

284
00:10:53,445 --> 00:10:55,089
- What do we think?
- I cover nightlife, man.

285
00:10:55,113 --> 00:10:56,674
If the dude's not holding
a sax or a joint,

286
00:10:56,698 --> 00:10:58,325
- I have no opinion.
- Find one.

287
00:10:58,408 --> 00:11:00,535
My opinion is, if Nixon wins,
we move to France.

288
00:11:00,619 --> 00:11:01,888
I have a rent-controlled
apartment,

289
00:11:01,912 --> 00:11:03,163
so I'm gonna stick it out. You?

290
00:11:03,246 --> 00:11:04,566
I think he's handsome
in that one,

291
00:11:04,623 --> 00:11:05,832
very handsome in that one.

292
00:11:05,916 --> 00:11:07,793
However, that one,
he's just plain adorable.

293
00:11:07,876 --> 00:11:11,296
- Okay. What about Nixon?
- I was talking about Nixon.

294
00:11:11,380 --> 00:11:12,923
Move away from me.

295
00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:14,383
I've got a thing for Quakers.

296
00:11:14,466 --> 00:11:16,134
Farther away. Hoboken, please.

297
00:11:16,218 --> 00:11:19,262
Fine. I want you to write
an obituary for Moishe Maisel,

298
00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:20,847
owner of Maisel and Roth.

299
00:11:20,931 --> 00:11:23,266
He's an American success story.

300
00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:25,102
Self-made garment manufacturer.

301
00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:27,521
I told you about the 13 Jews.

302
00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:30,899
Why not? You wrote one
for Albert Einstein.

303
00:11:30,982 --> 00:11:32,984
Well, Moishe Maisel
put a new kind of elastic

304
00:11:33,068 --> 00:11:34,861
in his ultra men's
breathable briefs.

305
00:11:34,945 --> 00:11:36,988
So, yes, Einstein transformed

306
00:11:37,072 --> 00:11:38,865
theoretical physics
and astronomy,

307
00:11:38,949 --> 00:11:41,576
superseding a 200-year-old
theory of mechanics

308
00:11:41,660 --> 00:11:43,620
created primarily
by Isaac Newton,

309
00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:47,457
but Moishe Maisel
let your testicles breathe.

310
00:11:47,541 --> 00:11:50,460
You're a New Yorker.
You know what summer's like.

311
00:11:50,544 --> 00:11:52,838
Excuse me. Why are you here?

312
00:11:52,921 --> 00:11:54,881
Oh, I'm Abe's personal
part-time secretary.

313
00:11:54,965 --> 00:11:56,133
I do his typing. You?

314
00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:57,384
I work here.

315
00:11:57,467 --> 00:11:58,969
- Doing what?
- Many things.

316
00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:01,763
- Right now,
I'm very busy filing.
- I see the stack.

317
00:12:01,847 --> 00:12:04,558
- I used to type for Abe,
but now he has you.
- He does.

318
00:12:04,641 --> 00:12:05,725
- Part-time.
- For now.

319
00:12:05,809 --> 00:12:07,352
Full-time.

320
00:12:07,436 --> 00:12:09,896
Fine. I'm canceling
my subscription.

321
00:12:09,980 --> 00:12:12,983
I'll read the grease-stained
copy at the library.

322
00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:14,860
"What's he known for?"
he kept saying.

323
00:12:14,943 --> 00:12:16,361
"What's he known for?"

324
00:12:16,445 --> 00:12:18,321
As if a-a man's life is measured

325
00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:20,157
by how many people
have heard of him?

326
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,576
Mickey Mouse,
a known anti-Semite,

327
00:12:22,659 --> 00:12:24,369
can get an obituary
in <i>The New York Times,</i>

328
00:12:24,453 --> 00:12:25,912
but Moishe Maisel cannot?

329
00:12:25,996 --> 00:12:28,623
Okay, time-out. I will call
Simon Mellman at <i>The Times.</i>

330
00:12:28,707 --> 00:12:31,084
- Isobel, get Simon for me.
- Okay.

331
00:12:31,168 --> 00:12:33,086
Simon is a very good
friend of mine,

332
00:12:33,170 --> 00:12:37,716
and he owes me several favors,
$300 and a fiancée.

333
00:12:37,799 --> 00:12:40,719
Got him.
Please hold for Gabe Walensky.

334
00:12:40,802 --> 00:12:43,305
- Simon, Gabe. How are you?
- Tell him about the Jews.

335
00:12:43,388 --> 00:12:45,825
- Yeah, listen,
I'm calling in a chip here.
- Thirteen of them.

336
00:12:45,849 --> 00:12:47,934
I need your team to do
an obituary for a friend.

337
00:12:48,018 --> 00:12:50,145
- The Jews, the Jews, the Jews!
- Hold on. What?

338
00:12:50,228 --> 00:12:52,439
- Tell him about the Jews.
- The history of, or...

339
00:12:52,522 --> 00:12:54,274
Yeah, no, Simon, I'm here.

340
00:12:54,357 --> 00:12:56,234
- The man in question is...
- Moishe Maisel.

341
00:12:56,318 --> 00:12:58,153
Moishe Maisel. And he was...

342
00:12:58,236 --> 00:13:00,047
- In the garment business.
- In the garment business.

343
00:13:00,071 --> 00:13:01,698
There was no Roth.
Moishe made him up.

344
00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:03,658
- That's right.
- He never went to Turkey!

345
00:13:03,742 --> 00:13:05,887
- What are you talking about?
- He had a Turkish plumber.

346
00:13:05,911 --> 00:13:07,120
Kev, hold him.

347
00:13:07,204 --> 00:13:08,830
Yes, I'm here.

348
00:13:08,914 --> 00:13:10,332
I know, but this is a favor.

349
00:13:10,415 --> 00:13:11,875
Simon, let me remind you

350
00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:14,020
that you stole Diana from me
at my own birthday party.

351
00:13:14,044 --> 00:13:16,421
Yes, you did,
you traitorous asshole!

352
00:13:16,505 --> 00:13:18,632
And I think the very least
you could do for me now

353
00:13:18,715 --> 00:13:20,509
is have one of
your obit guys type up

354
00:13:20,592 --> 00:13:22,344
a goddamn obit for this man.

355
00:13:22,427 --> 00:13:24,262
And give me my $300 back!

356
00:13:25,347 --> 00:13:27,682
Well, fuck you!

357
00:13:27,766 --> 00:13:30,268
Listen up, everybody.

358
00:13:30,352 --> 00:13:33,438
Simon Mellman is
persona non grata from now on.

359
00:13:33,522 --> 00:13:35,899
Never met him,
never heard of him.

360
00:13:35,982 --> 00:13:39,361
He is Nikolai Khokhlov,
and we are Russia.

361
00:13:39,444 --> 00:13:41,238
- What?
- And these are the covers.

362
00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:43,532
And if you have a problem
with that, suck it!

363
00:13:43,615 --> 00:13:44,908
All right, then.

364
00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:46,868
- Sorry, Abe. I can't help you.
- Well, fine.

365
00:13:46,952 --> 00:13:48,679
I guess there's nothing to do
but write it myself.

366
00:13:48,703 --> 00:13:49,996
- Dody?
- Yes, Abe?

367
00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:51,873
Fresh piece of paper, please.

368
00:13:51,957 --> 00:13:53,416
Where is this
being published, Abe?

369
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:54,834
Here, in <i>The Village Voice.</i>

370
00:13:54,918 --> 00:13:56,461
<i>The Voice</i> doesn't do obits.

371
00:13:56,545 --> 00:13:58,838
Great. Then it's a brief,
informative article

372
00:13:58,922 --> 00:14:00,799
about a man who recently died.

373
00:14:00,882 --> 00:14:02,634
Dody, let's get to work.

374
00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:13,603
♪ <i>As he plays his ukulele</i>
<i>on the hill above the bay...</i>

375
00:14:13,687 --> 00:14:15,438
Cramming for midterms?

376
00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:17,065
These doctors,
they come in and babble

377
00:14:17,148 --> 00:14:18,626
a bunch of bullshit,
and then they leave

378
00:14:18,650 --> 00:14:20,253
- before you can ask
any questions.
- Bagel.

379
00:14:20,277 --> 00:14:21,877
And every time,
a different one shows up,

380
00:14:21,903 --> 00:14:23,297
and they can't answer
the question you have

381
00:14:23,321 --> 00:14:25,007
from the last guy
'cause that's not their field.

382
00:14:25,031 --> 00:14:27,284
- Bite.
- And they use terms
that you can't understand,

383
00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:28,678
and they talk fast
and leave fast,

384
00:14:28,702 --> 00:14:30,346
so I figured I'd borrow
a bunch of Mei's books,

385
00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:32,163
- take notes
and look it up later.
- Coffee.

386
00:14:32,247 --> 00:14:33,641
But I don't know
the words they're using,

387
00:14:33,665 --> 00:14:35,184
so I tried writing
them down phonetically,

388
00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:37,270
but since the actual word is not
spelled the way I wrote it down,

389
00:14:37,294 --> 00:14:39,355
I can't find it, and basically,
all I've found out so far

390
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:40,659
is that my father's heart attack

391
00:14:40,714 --> 00:14:42,424
has something to do
with his heart.

392
00:14:44,426 --> 00:14:46,344
Thank you.

393
00:14:46,428 --> 00:14:48,930
So no change at all, huh?

394
00:14:49,014 --> 00:14:51,850
- And the longer he's out...
- Nope. Eat your bagel.

395
00:14:53,685 --> 00:14:55,687
Hey. You see this?

396
00:14:55,770 --> 00:14:58,440
- East.
- Red. Dragon.

397
00:14:58,523 --> 00:15:01,443
Yeah. They've been at it
for a couple of hours.

398
00:15:01,526 --> 00:15:03,445
Mei's trying
to distract Ma a little.

399
00:15:03,528 --> 00:15:05,947
She got nuts and tried to make
soup in the hospital kitchen.

400
00:15:06,031 --> 00:15:07,824
They called the cops, so...

401
00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:09,492
- I need money.
- What?

402
00:15:09,576 --> 00:15:11,336
- Your mother wiped me out.
- You're kidding.

403
00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:12,537
Do I look like I'm kidding?

404
00:15:12,621 --> 00:15:13,861
You didn't need to let her win.

405
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:15,915
I didn't. That woman's a shark.

406
00:15:15,999 --> 00:15:17,876
I am a great mah-jongg player.

407
00:15:17,959 --> 00:15:20,211
I come from generations
of great mah-jongg players.

408
00:15:20,295 --> 00:15:22,422
My family runs a mah-jongg
parlor, for God's sake.

409
00:15:22,505 --> 00:15:24,633
And she is wiping
the floor with me.

410
00:15:24,716 --> 00:15:26,259
Hi.

411
00:15:26,343 --> 00:15:27,844
Bagel?

412
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:29,262
- Here.
- That's it?

413
00:15:29,346 --> 00:15:31,026
- Oh, no. I need more.
- I don't have more.

414
00:15:31,097 --> 00:15:32,807
Joel, she has a $20 buy-in.

415
00:15:32,891 --> 00:15:35,518
Hold on. I'll see if
I have more in my jacket.

416
00:15:37,228 --> 00:15:39,773
<i>Dr. McGuire,
please report to the ER.</i>

417
00:15:39,856 --> 00:15:41,775
<i>Dr. McGuire, to the ER.</i>

418
00:15:41,858 --> 00:15:43,610
Bagel?

419
00:15:43,693 --> 00:15:45,070
Thanks.

420
00:15:46,404 --> 00:15:48,740
It's nice, you keeping Shirley
busy like this.

421
00:15:48,823 --> 00:15:50,533
Did Joel tell you
they called the cops?

422
00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:52,035
He did.

423
00:15:53,203 --> 00:15:55,664
He also told me...

424
00:15:55,747 --> 00:15:57,207
Please don't be mad, but Joel...

425
00:15:57,290 --> 00:16:01,002
I know about... the situation.

426
00:16:02,712 --> 00:16:04,297
Oh.

427
00:16:04,381 --> 00:16:06,132
I thought maybe
we could have a talk.

428
00:16:06,216 --> 00:16:08,218
Oh, it's a little late
for that, don't you think?

429
00:16:08,301 --> 00:16:09,636
Different talk.

430
00:16:09,719 --> 00:16:11,346
We should figure out
how it's gonna work.

431
00:16:11,429 --> 00:16:12,514
How what's gonna work?

432
00:16:12,597 --> 00:16:15,809
You know, with you and me
and Joel and the kids.

433
00:16:15,892 --> 00:16:17,936
I mean, you'll be, you know...

434
00:16:18,019 --> 00:16:19,479
They'll be, you know...

435
00:16:19,562 --> 00:16:21,231
- Clearly, I don't know.
- Mei, come on.

436
00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:23,733
Obviously, they live with me,
but they'll be with you a lot,

437
00:16:23,817 --> 00:16:26,486
and now they'll have a sibling,
and I just think we need

438
00:16:26,569 --> 00:16:28,697
- to discuss some ground rules.
- Like?

439
00:16:28,780 --> 00:16:30,949
Like I don't want them
calling you Mom.

440
00:16:31,032 --> 00:16:32,718
- Me, either.
- But they'll need
to call you something.

441
00:16:32,742 --> 00:16:34,202
- Why?
- Why?

442
00:16:34,285 --> 00:16:36,013
Well, what if they lock
themselves in your bathroom

443
00:16:36,037 --> 00:16:37,455
and they need
to call out for help?

444
00:16:37,539 --> 00:16:39,874
- Why are they in my bathroom?
- Because it's bath time.

445
00:16:39,958 --> 00:16:41,543
They're bathing in my bathroom?

446
00:16:41,626 --> 00:16:43,354
- Mei, come on.
- They're your kids.
You bathe 'em.

447
00:16:43,378 --> 00:16:44,921
- But they're staying with you.
- Why?

448
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:46,756
- Because it's your weekend.
- To do what?

449
00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:49,634
To take them because
you are married to their father.

450
00:16:52,262 --> 00:16:54,723
Aren't you?

451
00:16:54,806 --> 00:16:57,016
<i>Phone call
for Midge Maisel.</i>

452
00:16:57,100 --> 00:16:59,018
<i>Phone call for Midge Maisel.</i>

453
00:16:59,102 --> 00:17:01,229
- <i>Please come</i>
<i>to the nurses' station.</i>
- Excuse me.

454
00:17:07,652 --> 00:17:09,696
- Hello?
- You have to come back.

455
00:17:09,779 --> 00:17:11,699
- I told you
my father-in-law is...
- <i>Yes, I know.</i>

456
00:17:11,781 --> 00:17:14,701
So sad. But see,
you made me change everything.

457
00:17:14,784 --> 00:17:16,624
- Boise.
- <i>I can see myself</i>
<i>in the toilet bowls.</i>

458
00:17:16,703 --> 00:17:18,538
They're so clean. It's gorgeous.

459
00:17:18,621 --> 00:17:20,373
- Well, that's great.
- <i>I bought the fruit</i>

460
00:17:20,457 --> 00:17:23,001
and the umbrellas
and the tampon sticks.

461
00:17:23,084 --> 00:17:24,812
- The good ones?
- <i>Yes, the good ones, Midge.</i>

462
00:17:24,836 --> 00:17:26,004
The best ones.

463
00:17:26,087 --> 00:17:27,964
You demanded these changes,
and I did them,

464
00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:30,008
and then all these women
came to see you.

465
00:17:30,091 --> 00:17:31,259
And now you are not here,

466
00:17:31,342 --> 00:17:32,510
<i>and they are very angry.</i>

467
00:17:32,594 --> 00:17:34,471
- I'm sorry.
- I invented a drink.

468
00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:36,514
- Oh, yeah?
- <i>It is pink and fizzy</i>

469
00:17:36,598 --> 00:17:37,766
and you set it on fire.

470
00:17:37,849 --> 00:17:38,933
It's stunning.

471
00:17:39,017 --> 00:17:40,435
I've named it
"I Once Was a Man."

472
00:17:40,518 --> 00:17:42,604
I see we've developed
a flair for the dramatic.

473
00:17:42,687 --> 00:17:43,688
Please come back.

474
00:17:43,772 --> 00:17:45,398
Boise, I gave Bunny,
Mitzi and Gloria

475
00:17:45,482 --> 00:17:46,649
some really good jokes to do.

476
00:17:46,733 --> 00:17:47,859
How did that go?

477
00:17:47,942 --> 00:17:50,320
We got a new sign
to go on the door here.

478
00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:52,614
On one side, it says,
"We're open.

479
00:17:52,697 --> 00:17:54,449
Please come inside."

480
00:17:54,532 --> 00:17:57,494
And on the other side, it says,
"Sorry we're closed."

481
00:17:57,577 --> 00:17:58,787
I don't get it.

482
00:17:58,870 --> 00:18:00,330
I don't think
that's what it says.

483
00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:02,415
What it fucking says.
I'm looking at it right here.

484
00:18:02,499 --> 00:18:04,584
- "Sorry we're..."
- "Clothed."

485
00:18:04,667 --> 00:18:06,878
It says,
"Sorry we're clothed."

486
00:18:06,961 --> 00:18:08,421
Like we have our clothes on.

487
00:18:08,505 --> 00:18:10,548
Okay.

488
00:18:10,632 --> 00:18:14,177
And on the other side,
it says, "Sorry we're clothed."

489
00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:16,888
I still don't get it.

490
00:18:16,971 --> 00:18:18,348
So, thanks for that
bit of casting.

491
00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:20,308
Look, Boise,
I promise I will get there

492
00:18:20,391 --> 00:18:21,726
as soon as I possibly can.

493
00:18:21,810 --> 00:18:23,311
Now, I have to go.

494
00:19:56,154 --> 00:19:57,739
Oh, my God. You came back.

495
00:19:57,822 --> 00:19:58,907
You did come back, right?

496
00:19:58,990 --> 00:20:00,366
- One set, Boise.
- That's fine.

497
00:20:00,450 --> 00:20:02,010
One set, then I go back
to the hospital.

498
00:20:02,035 --> 00:20:03,494
Yes, great. Thank you. Hey.

499
00:20:03,578 --> 00:20:05,038
What do you think?

500
00:20:05,121 --> 00:20:06,122
Too many peonies, right?

501
00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:07,266
They're overwhelming
the bluebells?

502
00:20:07,290 --> 00:20:08,416
Take a break, Boise.

503
00:20:08,499 --> 00:20:09,959
Go punch something.

504
00:20:11,461 --> 00:20:14,297
Goddamn Boise.
Mitzi, never mind. She's back.

505
00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:16,424
Oh, good.
Ask her which part is the setup

506
00:20:16,507 --> 00:20:17,967
and which part is
the joke again.

507
00:20:18,051 --> 00:20:20,178
Just so you know, everything
went fine without you.

508
00:20:20,261 --> 00:20:21,721
Glad to hear it.

509
00:20:23,139 --> 00:20:24,682
What are you supposed to be?

510
00:20:24,766 --> 00:20:25,892
You.

511
00:20:25,975 --> 00:20:27,727
Like looking in a mirror, huh?

512
00:20:36,486 --> 00:20:37,737
Thank you.

513
00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:39,614
Wow.

514
00:20:39,697 --> 00:20:41,950
Such a great crowd.

515
00:20:42,033 --> 00:20:44,994
It's very nice
to be here, really.

516
00:20:45,078 --> 00:20:47,038
You have no idea.

517
00:20:48,081 --> 00:20:50,667
So I have a little
family drama going on.

518
00:20:50,750 --> 00:20:54,253
My ex-father-in-law
just had a heart attack.

519
00:20:54,337 --> 00:20:57,382
He's unconscious,
and they have no idea

520
00:20:57,465 --> 00:20:59,652
- if he's gonna make it or not.
- Woo-hoo!

521
00:20:59,676 --> 00:21:02,136
Thank you.

522
00:21:02,220 --> 00:21:05,181
We have a fan of uncertain death
in the back there.

523
00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:06,599
That's nice.

524
00:21:06,683 --> 00:21:07,850
Good for you, sir.

525
00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:10,061
Enjoy your chess game
with the reaper.

526
00:21:11,980 --> 00:21:14,023
So, anyhow,
for the last couple of days,

527
00:21:14,107 --> 00:21:16,109
I have been reduced
to playing the coffee lounge

528
00:21:16,192 --> 00:21:18,069
at Beth Israel Hospital.

529
00:21:18,152 --> 00:21:20,613
I'm going back there
as soon as I'm done here,

530
00:21:20,697 --> 00:21:23,282
and I'll spend the night
watching all the men in my life

531
00:21:23,366 --> 00:21:24,951
completely fall apart.

532
00:21:25,034 --> 00:21:26,619
While eating Jell-O.

533
00:21:26,703 --> 00:21:28,871
It's really startling, actually.

534
00:21:28,955 --> 00:21:31,249
Because we're always told,
"You're daddy's little girl."

535
00:21:31,332 --> 00:21:32,667
"Daddy will protect you."

536
00:21:32,750 --> 00:21:34,210
"Wait till your father
gets home."

537
00:21:34,293 --> 00:21:35,854
And then your father
walks into a hospital,

538
00:21:35,878 --> 00:21:37,272
and he turns into
a ten-year-old girl

539
00:21:37,296 --> 00:21:38,965
who just had a frog
put down her dress.

540
00:21:39,048 --> 00:21:41,259
Now, my father...

541
00:21:41,342 --> 00:21:44,762
Intellectual, emotions kept
in a little bottle in storage...

542
00:21:44,846 --> 00:21:46,889
He hates hospitals.

543
00:21:46,973 --> 00:21:50,184
He hates the smell of hospitals,
the look of hospitals.

544
00:21:50,268 --> 00:21:52,308
When I had
my daughter, I had to hold her

545
00:21:52,353 --> 00:21:54,313
out the window as he walked
to work in the morning

546
00:21:54,397 --> 00:21:56,315
just so he could see her.

547
00:21:56,399 --> 00:21:58,317
And then there's my husband.

548
00:21:58,401 --> 00:22:02,613
Ex-husband, actually,
but we're still... something.

549
00:22:02,697 --> 00:22:05,241
Now, in all fairness,
I have seen him emotional.

550
00:22:05,324 --> 00:22:07,201
When the Brooklyn Dodgers
moved to...

551
00:22:07,285 --> 00:22:08,578
California...

552
00:22:08,661 --> 00:22:10,538
he was
inconsolable.

553
00:22:10,621 --> 00:22:12,665
He sat in the dark,
eating chocolate,

554
00:22:12,749 --> 00:22:14,917
writing love letters
to Sandy Koufax.

555
00:22:15,001 --> 00:22:17,670
He'd try to put on
a brave face,

556
00:22:17,754 --> 00:22:20,074
and we'd walk past a hot dog
cart, and he'd fall to pieces,

557
00:22:20,131 --> 00:22:22,216
cradling the mustard container
in his arms,

558
00:22:22,300 --> 00:22:25,720
repeating the 1955 World Series
lineup over and over again.

559
00:22:28,598 --> 00:22:31,809
And then, of course,
there is my father-in-law.

560
00:22:31,893 --> 00:22:35,146
Tough, proud.

561
00:22:35,229 --> 00:22:38,357
And now my mother-in-law
is trimming his beard, so if...

562
00:22:40,860 --> 00:22:45,698
...when he wakes up,
he's ready to go to work.

563
00:22:48,910 --> 00:22:51,454
It's hard seeing
the men in your life scared.

564
00:22:52,789 --> 00:22:54,499
And with the men
out of commission,

565
00:22:54,582 --> 00:22:56,709
the women are left
to keep things going.

566
00:22:56,793 --> 00:22:58,753
Now, this is not
totally unusual, right?

567
00:22:58,836 --> 00:23:00,713
I mean, women could be
bleeding from the head,

568
00:23:00,797 --> 00:23:01,982
and they'd host a dinner party

569
00:23:02,006 --> 00:23:03,606
if the invitations
were already sent out.

570
00:23:03,633 --> 00:23:06,511
But we never think
about it like that.

571
00:23:06,594 --> 00:23:10,056
We just assume we're
supporting the real leaders.

572
00:23:11,182 --> 00:23:13,768
You look around this hospital,
you see the doctors.

573
00:23:13,851 --> 00:23:17,271
All men, swaggering in and out
of the rooms really fast.

574
00:23:17,355 --> 00:23:19,649
"I'm important.
I have a pen in my pocket.

575
00:23:19,732 --> 00:23:21,109
I look at a chart.
Hmm, good chart.

576
00:23:21,192 --> 00:23:22,443
I sign the chart.

577
00:23:22,527 --> 00:23:24,028
I am God,
and God can't hang around.

578
00:23:24,112 --> 00:23:25,952
God has to be in
the gallbladder wing in five."

579
00:23:28,282 --> 00:23:29,909
But spend a few days
in the hospital,

580
00:23:29,992 --> 00:23:32,829
and you start
to notice the nurses.

581
00:23:34,580 --> 00:23:36,791
The nurses never rush
out of your room.

582
00:23:37,959 --> 00:23:42,088
They just clean out
the bedpans, draw the blood,

583
00:23:42,171 --> 00:23:44,298
insert the suppositories.

584
00:23:45,508 --> 00:23:47,789
They don't get to sign a chart.
They don't even get a pen.

585
00:23:47,844 --> 00:23:49,971
But they hold you while you cry.

586
00:23:53,224 --> 00:23:54,684
So, what does this mean?

587
00:23:56,018 --> 00:23:58,771
Are women
more important than God?

588
00:23:58,855 --> 00:24:00,064
Hmm.

589
00:24:01,232 --> 00:24:02,817
What if we discover one day

590
00:24:02,900 --> 00:24:05,111
that we were always
the ones in charge?

591
00:24:06,279 --> 00:24:08,614
Just, no one told us.

592
00:24:11,826 --> 00:24:13,786
I don't know.
I don't know what I'm saying.

593
00:24:13,870 --> 00:24:16,205
I just...

594
00:24:16,289 --> 00:24:18,624
don't want this man to die.

595
00:24:25,798 --> 00:24:27,884
Now, let's see
some tits and ass!

596
00:24:36,017 --> 00:24:37,935
Midge, you got
a stage-door Johnny waiting.

597
00:24:38,019 --> 00:24:39,896
What? Where?

598
00:24:41,981 --> 00:24:43,608
Well, this is a surprise.

599
00:24:43,691 --> 00:24:45,776
I was in the neighborhood,
thought I'd stop in.

600
00:24:45,860 --> 00:24:47,695
I heard about the coffee here.

601
00:24:47,778 --> 00:24:50,031
Well, nice to see you.

602
00:24:50,114 --> 00:24:51,324
- Wait, just...
- Hey, Lenny.

603
00:24:51,407 --> 00:24:53,409
- Hello.
- Hiya, Lenny.

604
00:24:53,492 --> 00:24:55,244
Nice tie, Leonard.

605
00:24:55,328 --> 00:24:56,913
I know them from Hebrew school.

606
00:24:56,996 --> 00:24:58,331
I really do have to get going.

607
00:24:58,414 --> 00:25:00,833
I saw your show.
It's great stuff.

608
00:25:00,917 --> 00:25:02,835
You made three
construction workers cry.

609
00:25:02,919 --> 00:25:04,086
Thank you.

610
00:25:04,170 --> 00:25:05,880
- You're still mad at me.
- No, I'm not.

611
00:25:05,963 --> 00:25:07,548
I was a complete ass.

612
00:25:07,632 --> 00:25:08,883
I'm very sorry.

613
00:25:08,966 --> 00:25:10,468
I have forgotten all about it.

614
00:25:10,551 --> 00:25:12,678
- You still sound mad.
- Lenny, please.

615
00:25:12,762 --> 00:25:14,096
Midge, you have to forgive me.

616
00:25:14,180 --> 00:25:15,949
There's a performance
of Haydn's "Trumpet Concerto"

617
00:25:15,973 --> 00:25:17,308
with original period instruments

618
00:25:17,391 --> 00:25:18,935
that my buddies
are dying to go to,

619
00:25:19,018 --> 00:25:21,079
but I forced them to come here
just so I could grovel.

620
00:25:21,103 --> 00:25:22,563
They may never speak
to me again.

621
00:25:22,647 --> 00:25:24,565
I saw that concert.
They're not missing much.

622
00:25:24,649 --> 00:25:27,235
Please.

623
00:25:31,739 --> 00:25:34,784
So, Carnegie Hall.

624
00:25:34,867 --> 00:25:36,369
Yes.

625
00:25:36,452 --> 00:25:37,703
Someday soon.

626
00:25:37,787 --> 00:25:39,956
I'd find out exactly which day,
if I were you.

627
00:25:40,039 --> 00:25:41,290
Good advice.

628
00:25:41,374 --> 00:25:42,959
Lenny, bar.

629
00:25:45,586 --> 00:25:47,713
It's very exciting.

630
00:25:47,797 --> 00:25:50,299
These are very classy people,
these Carnegie people.

631
00:25:50,383 --> 00:25:52,551
They put me up
in a swanky hotel room.

632
00:25:52,635 --> 00:25:54,845
They even offered to paint
the room my favorite color.

633
00:25:54,929 --> 00:25:56,806
- What's your favorite color?
- I said blue.

634
00:25:56,889 --> 00:25:58,224
- Is it blue?
- Who knows?

635
00:25:58,307 --> 00:25:59,517
Well, you.

636
00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:02,103
Okay, you're ignoring
the lede here.

637
00:26:02,186 --> 00:26:05,189
The people from Carnegie Hall
painted a hotel room...

638
00:26:05,273 --> 00:26:08,401
A room I'm going to be in for a
total of four days, tops... blue.

639
00:26:08,484 --> 00:26:10,278
For me. Me.

640
00:26:10,361 --> 00:26:12,280
The greatest threat
to American decency

641
00:26:12,363 --> 00:26:14,115
since Mantovani records.

642
00:26:14,198 --> 00:26:16,659
I am suddenly important enough
for redecorating.

643
00:26:16,742 --> 00:26:18,119
Please be impressed.

644
00:26:18,202 --> 00:26:20,162
- I am impressed.
- Good.

645
00:26:20,246 --> 00:26:22,057
Which brings me to
my next reason for being here.

646
00:26:22,081 --> 00:26:25,167
- Hmm?
- I got a call from
Tony Bennett's people.

647
00:26:25,251 --> 00:26:27,044
He's doing five sold-out nights
at the Copa,

648
00:26:27,128 --> 00:26:28,713
and they wanted me
to open for him,

649
00:26:28,796 --> 00:26:30,339
which is a dream gig because,

650
00:26:30,423 --> 00:26:33,009
in addition to him being one
of the nicest men in the world,

651
00:26:33,092 --> 00:26:36,095
his craft service table
is not to be believed.

652
00:26:36,178 --> 00:26:38,681
Now, obviously, I can't do it
since I'm playing Carnegie Hall.

653
00:26:38,764 --> 00:26:40,364
I hear they painted
your hotel room blue.

654
00:26:40,433 --> 00:26:41,600
So I talked you up.

655
00:26:41,684 --> 00:26:44,061
Told them you do
swell heart attack humor,

656
00:26:44,145 --> 00:26:45,580
and they are very, very...

657
00:26:45,604 --> 00:26:47,481
What's that?

658
00:26:47,565 --> 00:26:50,192
Hey. What's going on?

659
00:26:51,402 --> 00:26:52,862
Uh-oh.

660
00:26:52,945 --> 00:26:54,488
What "uh-oh"?
What's "uh-oh"?

661
00:26:54,572 --> 00:26:56,073
I believe...

662
00:26:57,700 --> 00:27:00,161
- Get up!
- You ain't going nowhere.

663
00:27:00,244 --> 00:27:02,079
Come on, you're coming with me.

664
00:27:04,707 --> 00:27:06,917
- Yep. You're being raided.
- I am?

665
00:27:07,001 --> 00:27:09,045
- We got to move.
- Cops!
- Oh, my God.

666
00:27:09,128 --> 00:27:10,796
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Everyone, out!

667
00:27:10,880 --> 00:27:12,757
Dallas, Sunshine, Bubbles, go!

668
00:27:14,050 --> 00:27:15,384
I got the books!

669
00:27:15,468 --> 00:27:17,636
- Both sets?
- Yep!

670
00:27:17,720 --> 00:27:19,555
Wait, wait.

671
00:27:19,638 --> 00:27:21,432
Oh!

672
00:27:21,515 --> 00:27:23,893
Let's get out of here.

673
00:27:23,976 --> 00:27:26,020
Bunny, Mitzi,
you got to move!

674
00:27:26,103 --> 00:27:28,105
You know, I'm getting
a little tired of everyone

675
00:27:28,189 --> 00:27:31,525
telling me what to do,
where to go, what a joke is.

676
00:27:31,609 --> 00:27:33,569
Oh, crap!
I lost an earring.

677
00:27:33,652 --> 00:27:34,737
We're being raided!

678
00:27:34,820 --> 00:27:36,572
What am I gonna do
with one earring?!

679
00:27:36,655 --> 00:27:38,115
Two ears! I got two ears!

680
00:27:38,199 --> 00:27:40,785
Stay down! Come on, come on.

681
00:27:40,868 --> 00:27:43,055
- Forget the feathers!
- Just grab the pearls!

682
00:27:43,079 --> 00:27:44,830
- Midge!
- I can't find my things.

683
00:27:44,914 --> 00:27:46,749
Buy more things. Let's go.

684
00:27:51,712 --> 00:27:53,714
- Come with us.
- Nope.

685
00:27:53,798 --> 00:27:55,883
I'm fiddling on
the <i>Titanic</i> tonight. Go.

686
00:27:55,966 --> 00:27:59,095
Hurry, hurry. Damn.
Go, go, go, go, go! Hurry!

687
00:28:01,138 --> 00:28:03,599
My shoes, my feet.
It's cold.

688
00:28:03,682 --> 00:28:05,911
You'd be terrible to go
on the I am with, by the way.

689
00:28:05,935 --> 00:28:07,770
- Can't you carry me?
- Carry you?

690
00:28:07,853 --> 00:28:09,456
Yeah, you know,
throw me over your shoulder.

691
00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:11,333
Who am I, Santa Claus?
You're a young, strong woman.

692
00:28:11,357 --> 00:28:12,441
Here.

693
00:28:12,525 --> 00:28:14,044
What do I do with this?

694
00:28:14,068 --> 00:28:16,171
Fill me in on what's going on
with Castro and the rebels.

695
00:28:16,195 --> 00:28:17,955
- Put it on your head.
- Where are you going?

696
00:28:17,988 --> 00:28:19,240
I have to get you to shelter.

697
00:28:19,323 --> 00:28:20,675
Aren't you gonna pay
for the papers?

698
00:28:20,699 --> 00:28:22,159
- It's a snowstorm.
- So what?

699
00:28:22,243 --> 00:28:24,012
- The man has to make a living.
- How do you know?

700
00:28:24,036 --> 00:28:25,097
The news stand could be a hobby.

701
00:28:25,121 --> 00:28:26,705
If I had my purse, I'd pay.

702
00:28:26,789 --> 00:28:29,208
- If I had your purse, I'd pay.
- Wh-What if there's a hell?

703
00:28:29,291 --> 00:28:31,561
- Oh, I don't believe this.
- What if the rabbis are wrong

704
00:28:31,585 --> 00:28:34,171
and there is a hell and this is
the moment our fate is decided?

705
00:28:34,255 --> 00:28:36,590
Believe me, honey, if there's
a hell, I'm the headliner.

706
00:28:36,674 --> 00:28:38,300
Where are we going?

707
00:28:50,604 --> 00:28:52,106
How you doing? You okay?

708
00:28:52,189 --> 00:28:53,732
Ten minutes in the elements.

709
00:28:53,816 --> 00:28:55,985
Do you need me to call
a hairdresser or a priest?

710
00:28:56,068 --> 00:28:57,361
I'm fine.

711
00:28:57,445 --> 00:28:59,655
- This place is nice.
- Carnegie Hall.

712
00:28:59,738 --> 00:29:01,574
Ooh, they're having
a hat sale at B. Altman's.

713
00:29:01,657 --> 00:29:03,257
If only I still had
my employee discount,

714
00:29:03,284 --> 00:29:04,577
I'd get a discount
on a discount.

715
00:29:04,660 --> 00:29:06,787
Give me that.

716
00:29:06,871 --> 00:29:08,791
Good evening, Mr. Bruce.
Rough weather out there.

717
00:29:08,831 --> 00:29:10,040
It is indeed.

718
00:29:10,124 --> 00:29:11,709
You hear that? "Mr. Bruce."

719
00:29:11,792 --> 00:29:14,128
You play Carnegie Hall,
you get "Mr. Bruce."

720
00:29:14,211 --> 00:29:15,921
Good evening, Mr. Bruce.

721
00:29:20,301 --> 00:29:23,095
- Whew.
- After you.

722
00:29:23,179 --> 00:29:26,182
- Ah.
- Well, what do you think?

723
00:29:26,265 --> 00:29:28,225
Very nice, Mr. Bruce.

724
00:29:28,309 --> 00:29:30,144
Carnegie Hall.

725
00:29:30,227 --> 00:29:33,314
So, drink? Food?
Something absorbent?

726
00:29:33,397 --> 00:29:35,399
Towel, please.

727
00:29:35,483 --> 00:29:37,526
Oh, I'm so sorry, girls.

728
00:29:37,610 --> 00:29:40,154
Wasn't supposed
to end like this.

729
00:29:40,237 --> 00:29:41,489
Are you talking to your shoes?

730
00:29:41,572 --> 00:29:43,157
No. Shh.

731
00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:45,409
That's okay.

732
00:29:45,493 --> 00:29:47,786
I'm gonna have a very serious
talk later with my dickie.

733
00:29:47,870 --> 00:29:51,123
- Dickie? Like...
- Yes.

734
00:29:51,207 --> 00:29:52,625
- Not...
- No.

735
00:29:52,708 --> 00:29:54,376
- Nice.
- It was the funniest garment

736
00:29:54,460 --> 00:29:56,462
I could come up with
in the moment.

737
00:30:04,595 --> 00:30:06,138
Keeping a safe distance?

738
00:30:06,222 --> 00:30:08,557
Respectful distance,
I'd like to say.

739
00:30:08,641 --> 00:30:10,809
Are you afraid of me
'cause I talk to my shoes?

740
00:30:10,893 --> 00:30:12,895
Some men find that
wildly attractive.

741
00:30:12,978 --> 00:30:14,522
I think there are
many things about you

742
00:30:14,605 --> 00:30:17,399
men would find
wildly attractive.

743
00:30:24,073 --> 00:30:25,866
You know you can sit
on the entire chair.

744
00:30:25,950 --> 00:30:27,493
I'm fine.

745
00:30:28,619 --> 00:30:30,162
You look like
one of the Wallendas,

746
00:30:30,246 --> 00:30:31,747
balancing there like that.

747
00:30:31,830 --> 00:30:33,832
It...

748
00:30:33,916 --> 00:30:36,377
I'm wearing... I'm good.

749
00:30:36,460 --> 00:30:37,795
Your what?

750
00:30:37,878 --> 00:30:39,588
What are you wearing?

751
00:30:40,631 --> 00:30:42,299
My show corset.

752
00:30:44,093 --> 00:30:46,637
- You have a show corset?
- Yes.

753
00:30:46,720 --> 00:30:50,432
How is this different from,
say, your dentist corset?

754
00:30:50,516 --> 00:30:52,768
It's much more likely
to suffocate me.

755
00:30:52,851 --> 00:30:54,311
- It's also prettier.
- Yep.

756
00:30:54,395 --> 00:30:57,314
It's always the pretty ones
who try to kill you.

757
00:31:07,074 --> 00:31:08,784
Oh, boy.

758
00:31:08,867 --> 00:31:12,538
- What? I did not plan this.
- Getting me back here?

759
00:31:12,621 --> 00:31:14,999
Innocent. Get Roy Cohn
on the phone right now.

760
00:31:15,082 --> 00:31:17,376
You mean you didn't
alter the atmosphere,

761
00:31:17,459 --> 00:31:19,145
causing it to snow,
and then organize a raid

762
00:31:19,169 --> 00:31:20,754
at the exact moment
I came offstage?

763
00:31:20,838 --> 00:31:22,089
What, I'm not important enough

764
00:31:22,172 --> 00:31:24,174
to go through
all that trouble for?

765
00:31:25,467 --> 00:31:29,722
You are more important than God.

766
00:31:30,764 --> 00:31:32,182
You paid attention.

767
00:31:34,685 --> 00:31:36,478
To you?

768
00:31:36,562 --> 00:31:38,063
Always.

769
00:31:45,195 --> 00:31:47,031
Midge?

770
00:31:47,114 --> 00:31:48,365
Yeah?

771
00:31:49,366 --> 00:31:52,077
I got to see the show corset.

772
00:31:52,161 --> 00:31:53,912
- Lenny.
- I'm sorry.

773
00:31:53,996 --> 00:31:55,664
I'm an observer
of the human condition.

774
00:31:55,748 --> 00:31:57,583
It's the way God made me.

775
00:32:11,305 --> 00:32:12,598
Okay.

776
00:32:12,681 --> 00:32:13,807
If we do this...

777
00:32:13,891 --> 00:32:15,100
Oops.

778
00:32:15,184 --> 00:32:17,102
If we take our clothes off

779
00:32:17,186 --> 00:32:21,649
and we do some very blue things
in this very blue room...

780
00:32:21,732 --> 00:32:24,109
Wow, do I not know
which way this is going.

781
00:32:24,193 --> 00:32:26,779
I need you to look me
in the eye first and promise

782
00:32:26,862 --> 00:32:30,366
that you will never, ever forget

783
00:32:30,449 --> 00:32:34,453
that I am very, very funny.

784
00:32:36,163 --> 00:32:37,706
First and foremost.

785
00:32:37,790 --> 00:32:39,750
I'm serious, Lenny.

786
00:32:55,474 --> 00:32:59,061
I will be laughing
through the entire thing.

787
00:32:59,144 --> 00:33:01,063
I promise.

788
00:33:25,921 --> 00:33:27,673
Yep.

789
00:33:29,007 --> 00:33:30,843
Just like mine.

790
00:33:51,029 --> 00:33:52,406
I lied.

791
00:33:52,489 --> 00:33:54,700
I'm only gonna laugh at the end.

792
00:34:09,506 --> 00:34:11,759
Nope.

793
00:34:11,842 --> 00:34:13,844
I'll be right back.

794
00:34:47,294 --> 00:34:49,004
Hello?

795
00:34:55,093 --> 00:34:56,970
♪ <i>Over me...</i>

796
00:34:57,054 --> 00:34:58,597
Goodbye.

797
00:34:58,680 --> 00:35:01,475
So, apparently,
being Mr. Bruce means

798
00:35:01,558 --> 00:35:03,101
you're the one
who has to bail out

799
00:35:03,185 --> 00:35:04,728
the slow runners after a raid.

800
00:35:04,812 --> 00:35:06,605
So I was thinking...

801
00:35:06,688 --> 00:35:08,941
That is not for you.

802
00:35:09,024 --> 00:35:10,734
Lenny, what...

803
00:35:10,818 --> 00:35:12,778
You don't need
to worry about that.

804
00:35:12,861 --> 00:35:13,987
But...

805
00:35:14,071 --> 00:35:15,405
All is well.

806
00:35:15,489 --> 00:35:16,865
I promise.

807
00:35:16,949 --> 00:35:18,325
Now, get dressed.

808
00:35:18,408 --> 00:35:20,386
We'll go spring the riffraff,
and then I'll take you

809
00:35:20,410 --> 00:35:22,746
for some truly terrible
Chinese food, okay?

810
00:35:42,474 --> 00:35:44,101
- Abe! Abe!
- Hmm?

811
00:35:44,184 --> 00:35:45,644
I didn't know
you were still here.

812
00:35:45,727 --> 00:35:47,771
Someone called a while ago,
said you needed to get

813
00:35:47,855 --> 00:35:49,857
- to the hospital immediately.
- What? Who?

814
00:35:49,940 --> 00:35:51,859
- I don't know. I...
- He's dead. Is he dead?

815
00:35:51,942 --> 00:35:53,443
- Oh, my God.
- I don't know.

816
00:35:53,527 --> 00:35:55,487
They just said to hurry.

817
00:35:55,571 --> 00:35:57,656
I will bite
your fingers off, Isobel.

818
00:35:57,739 --> 00:35:59,324
It's not Isobel, Dody.

819
00:35:59,408 --> 00:36:00,868
- It's Abe.
- Abe?

820
00:36:00,951 --> 00:36:02,953
- What time is it?
- It's very late.

821
00:36:03,036 --> 00:36:04,746
I have to get to the hospital.

822
00:36:04,830 --> 00:36:06,832
You should go home.

823
00:36:06,915 --> 00:36:08,333
Thank you for your help.

824
00:36:08,417 --> 00:36:10,460
You are a true Sancho Panza.

825
00:36:12,462 --> 00:36:14,756
<i>Phone call
for Dr. O'Connell.</i>

826
00:36:14,840 --> 00:36:18,427
<i>Dr. O'Connell, you have a phone
call at the nurses' station.</i>

827
00:36:18,510 --> 00:36:20,012
I...

828
00:36:21,179 --> 00:36:23,056
What kept you?

829
00:36:23,140 --> 00:36:24,766
I... But you're alive.

830
00:36:24,850 --> 00:36:26,101
I am. Yes.

831
00:36:26,184 --> 00:36:27,436
You're not dead.

832
00:36:27,519 --> 00:36:29,605
No, I'm not.

833
00:36:29,688 --> 00:36:32,399
I just... The call...
I figured...

834
00:36:32,482 --> 00:36:33,793
You hoping
for a different outcome?

835
00:36:33,817 --> 00:36:36,028
No. I'm fine with it, obviously.

836
00:36:36,111 --> 00:36:37,362
I tried to call you.

837
00:36:37,446 --> 00:36:39,781
Some disgruntled employee
rushed me off the phone.

838
00:36:39,865 --> 00:36:43,327
Oh. Well, that's...
terrific, really.

839
00:36:43,410 --> 00:36:46,079
Just surprised.

840
00:36:46,163 --> 00:36:48,081
Who's this? Do I know her?

841
00:36:48,165 --> 00:36:49,374
Oh, this is Mei.

842
00:36:49,458 --> 00:36:50,792
It's so wonderful.

843
00:36:50,876 --> 00:36:53,337
Do you know that now hospitals
hire mah-jongg players

844
00:36:53,420 --> 00:36:55,422
to distract you
from impending death?

845
00:36:55,505 --> 00:36:56,505
- Really?
- What?

846
00:36:56,548 --> 00:36:57,775
- She asked. I froze.
- Ah, geez.

847
00:36:57,799 --> 00:36:59,319
She tipped me, though,
so I can pay you back.

848
00:36:59,343 --> 00:37:00,260
That's nice.

849
00:37:00,344 --> 00:37:01,344
What's that, Abe?

850
00:37:01,386 --> 00:37:02,679
- What?
- In your hand.

851
00:37:02,763 --> 00:37:04,389
Oh, it's nothing.

852
00:37:04,473 --> 00:37:05,766
You're holding it very tightly.

853
00:37:05,849 --> 00:37:07,351
It's just, uh...

854
00:37:07,434 --> 00:37:09,311
It says "Moishe's obituary."

855
00:37:09,394 --> 00:37:11,438
- You wrote my obituary?
- No.

856
00:37:11,521 --> 00:37:13,899
You wrote something and
titled it "Moishe's Obituary"?

857
00:37:13,982 --> 00:37:15,108
I...

858
00:37:15,192 --> 00:37:16,992
You couldn't get the guy
who wrote Einstein's?

859
00:37:17,027 --> 00:37:18,862
No. I just...

860
00:37:18,946 --> 00:37:21,281
Yes. I wrote something.

861
00:37:21,365 --> 00:37:23,659
Well, what were you going to do
rushing in here like that?

862
00:37:23,742 --> 00:37:26,036
- I think I was
going to read it.
- To me?

863
00:37:26,119 --> 00:37:27,454
- Yes.
- While I was unconscious?

864
00:37:27,537 --> 00:37:28,789
Or dead. Yes.

865
00:37:28,872 --> 00:37:31,041
- I'd like to hear it.
- What? No.

866
00:37:31,124 --> 00:37:32,560
- I'm a little curious, too.
- Same here.

867
00:37:32,584 --> 00:37:33,669
You work for the hospital.

868
00:37:33,752 --> 00:37:35,104
- You don't get a vote.
- Abe.

869
00:37:35,128 --> 00:37:37,839
Well, it-it was
just a first draft,

870
00:37:37,923 --> 00:37:40,926
so I hadn't finished it, but...

871
00:37:42,344 --> 00:37:46,223
I just talked about your father
and the pickle cart.

872
00:37:46,306 --> 00:37:47,849
We all know that story.

873
00:37:47,933 --> 00:37:49,142
So, uh...

874
00:37:49,226 --> 00:37:52,145
You started a clothing
manufacturing business.

875
00:37:52,229 --> 00:37:53,897
There was no Roth.

876
00:37:53,981 --> 00:37:55,899
It was all you.
Gave you full credit.

877
00:37:55,983 --> 00:37:57,526
- Thank you.
- Oh. Uh,

878
00:37:57,609 --> 00:38:00,696
Moishe brought over
the 13 Jews, saved them.

879
00:38:00,779 --> 00:38:03,699
Very nice paragraph about that.

880
00:38:03,782 --> 00:38:06,743
Good... good placement.
And, uh...

881
00:38:06,827 --> 00:38:09,705
Oh, I found a typo.

882
00:38:09,788 --> 00:38:12,082
I just found another.
Who has a pen?

883
00:38:12,165 --> 00:38:13,583
No one's grading you, Abe.

884
00:38:13,667 --> 00:38:15,377
Yes, well... Okay.

885
00:38:15,460 --> 00:38:19,089
Uh, well, after the 13 Jews,
I-I do a long run

886
00:38:19,172 --> 00:38:21,299
about whether or not God exists.

887
00:38:21,383 --> 00:38:23,093
- He does.
- Well, that's been the debate.

888
00:38:23,176 --> 00:38:24,261
There's no debate. He does.

889
00:38:24,344 --> 00:38:25,971
Okay, I know you feel
like that, but...

890
00:38:26,054 --> 00:38:27,639
Abe, I'm lying
in a hospital bed.

891
00:38:27,723 --> 00:38:28,890
Give me this.

892
00:38:30,642 --> 00:38:32,769
God exists.

893
00:38:32,853 --> 00:38:35,480
For now. And then...

894
00:38:35,564 --> 00:38:40,193
and then I talk about
how you took us in

895
00:38:40,277 --> 00:38:44,072
when we... had nowhere to go.

896
00:38:44,156 --> 00:38:49,786
And... you did not have to,
but you did, and...

897
00:38:49,870 --> 00:38:53,165
you asked us for nothing.

898
00:38:54,833 --> 00:38:59,713
You made sure
our daughter was taken care of

899
00:38:59,796 --> 00:39:03,467
even though she was not married
to your son anymore.

900
00:39:05,052 --> 00:39:07,220
You...

901
00:39:07,304 --> 00:39:09,806
were a very good man.

902
00:39:11,266 --> 00:39:13,351
And I...

903
00:39:13,435 --> 00:39:15,312
I miss you very much.

904
00:39:19,232 --> 00:39:21,109
But you're not dead, so...

905
00:39:24,613 --> 00:39:27,115
Well,
that was very nice, Abe.

906
00:39:27,199 --> 00:39:29,576
I'm gonna get some ice cream.
Who wants ice cream?

907
00:39:29,659 --> 00:39:31,721
- Ice cream sounds good.
- - Well, I'm going to get some coffee.

908
00:39:31,745 --> 00:39:33,931
- I don't want ice cream.
- Just get some
ice cream. Trust me.

909
00:39:33,955 --> 00:39:35,975
- Ice cream sounds great.
- - You think the machine will take a 20?

910
00:39:35,999 --> 00:39:37,769
- I doubt it.
- I have some change.

911
00:39:37,793 --> 00:39:39,562
Since when?
You told me you were broke.

912
00:39:39,586 --> 00:39:42,214
- Ma.
- Why don't you let me?

913
00:39:42,297 --> 00:39:43,840
This is the darndest thing.

914
00:39:43,924 --> 00:39:46,218
I have absolutely no record
of this phone number.

915
00:39:46,301 --> 00:39:47,761
I have no record of this phone.

916
00:39:47,844 --> 00:39:49,387
I don't even recognize
this model.

917
00:39:49,471 --> 00:39:52,015
- Where did you get it again?
- It was here when we got here.

918
00:39:52,099 --> 00:39:53,683
It's the darndest thing.

919
00:39:53,767 --> 00:39:55,602
The guy from Bon Soir says
Alfie has to do

920
00:39:55,685 --> 00:39:57,270
two free shows
before they commit.

921
00:39:57,354 --> 00:39:58,647
Are you kidding me?

922
00:39:58,730 --> 00:40:00,524
Yeah, even I knew
that was a big fuck-you.

923
00:40:00,607 --> 00:40:02,609
Excuse my French.
The phone company called.

924
00:40:02,692 --> 00:40:04,653
They can come out
next Tuesday at 10:00.

925
00:40:04,736 --> 00:40:06,446
The phone company is here.

926
00:40:06,530 --> 00:40:08,949
- Oh. Is the electric
company there?
- No.

927
00:40:09,032 --> 00:40:11,451
The electric company can
come out next Tuesday at 10:00.

928
00:40:11,535 --> 00:40:13,387
And Marvin Nicholson called...

929
00:40:13,411 --> 00:40:15,205
Ooh, phone. Hold on.

930
00:40:15,288 --> 00:40:16,540
Jesus, Frank.

931
00:40:16,623 --> 00:40:18,226
You leave any garlic
for the rest of the world?

932
00:40:18,250 --> 00:40:19,810
Garlic's good for you.
Makes you strong.

933
00:40:19,835 --> 00:40:22,129
You'll be able to beat up
all the other managers.

934
00:40:22,212 --> 00:40:23,713
Moishe is out of the woods.

935
00:40:23,797 --> 00:40:24,881
- Hey.
- Who?

936
00:40:24,965 --> 00:40:26,800
My ex-father-in-law.
He is awake.

937
00:40:26,883 --> 00:40:28,718
Hey, show some enthusiasm.

938
00:40:28,802 --> 00:40:30,387
Why? It's your ex-father-in-law.

939
00:40:30,470 --> 00:40:32,073
I don't give a shit about
your first-grade teacher,

940
00:40:32,097 --> 00:40:33,407
your pediatrician
or the first guy

941
00:40:33,431 --> 00:40:35,350
who felt you up,
either, by the way.

942
00:40:35,433 --> 00:40:37,686
Susie! Hey, I got a weird one.

943
00:40:37,769 --> 00:40:40,438
Yeah, that is not a sentence you
just yell out in public, Maggie.

944
00:40:40,522 --> 00:40:41,857
Just for future reference.

945
00:40:41,940 --> 00:40:44,025
Some guy says he works
for Tony Bennett, and he wants

946
00:40:44,109 --> 00:40:45,962
to talk to you about booking
one of your clients.

947
00:40:45,986 --> 00:40:47,946
Really? Tony Bennett?

948
00:40:48,029 --> 00:40:49,531
Well, send it on over.

949
00:40:49,614 --> 00:40:51,616
Tony Bennett. You hear that?

950
00:40:51,700 --> 00:40:54,411
- Tony Bennett's calling me.
- Well, his guy is.

951
00:40:54,494 --> 00:40:56,830
Well, his guy is,
but his guy is calling me

952
00:40:56,913 --> 00:40:59,291
- because Tony Bennett
told him to, so...
- Susie.

953
00:41:01,042 --> 00:41:03,211
- Hold on, Maggie.
- Okay.

954
00:41:03,295 --> 00:41:05,213
I was having a great day
for a minute there.

955
00:41:05,297 --> 00:41:07,257
Lenny put my name in
to open for Tony Bennett

956
00:41:07,340 --> 00:41:08,884
at the Copa this week.

957
00:41:08,967 --> 00:41:10,260
The Copa?

958
00:41:10,343 --> 00:41:11,678
The sold-out run at the Copa?

959
00:41:11,761 --> 00:41:13,763
This... this sold-out run
at the Copa?

960
00:41:13,847 --> 00:41:15,056
That's the one.

961
00:41:15,140 --> 00:41:17,642
Yeah, with the big
full-page ad that says,

962
00:41:17,726 --> 00:41:19,895
"Hello, boys.
This show's a really big deal,

963
00:41:19,978 --> 00:41:21,646
and anyone associated
with this ad

964
00:41:21,730 --> 00:41:23,773
is gonna be rich and famous
and very, very happy."

965
00:41:23,857 --> 00:41:24,900
Bingo.

966
00:41:24,983 --> 00:41:27,194
No opening acts.

967
00:41:27,277 --> 00:41:29,404
Yep. Hang up the phone, Maggie.

968
00:41:29,487 --> 00:41:31,072
- Why?
- I moved.

969
00:41:31,156 --> 00:41:32,574
- Where to?
- I'm dead.

970
00:41:32,657 --> 00:41:35,076
- You are?
- Just hang up
the goddamn phone.

971
00:41:35,160 --> 00:41:36,703
Okay.

972
00:41:36,786 --> 00:41:38,413
Sorry.

973
00:41:38,496 --> 00:41:40,040
No problem.

974
00:41:40,123 --> 00:41:41,583
You want some coffee?

975
00:41:41,666 --> 00:41:43,210
Uh, sure.

976
00:41:43,293 --> 00:41:44,419
Cream?

977
00:41:44,502 --> 00:41:46,463
- Susie, don't.
- Don't what?

978
00:41:46,546 --> 00:41:48,340
Okay, no cream.

979
00:41:48,423 --> 00:41:49,758
You know my situation.

980
00:41:49,841 --> 00:41:52,260
Sugar? Yeah, you like it sweet.

981
00:41:52,344 --> 00:41:54,221
Let me put some sugar
in there for you.

982
00:41:54,304 --> 00:41:56,741
- This is creepy.
- - That was really Tony Bennett?

983
00:41:56,765 --> 00:41:58,350
Yes, but I'm not doing op...

984
00:41:58,433 --> 00:42:00,644
Let it go, Frank. It's
a brick wall in a pink tutu.

985
00:42:00,727 --> 00:42:02,270
Susie, do you know if,
at any point,

986
00:42:02,354 --> 00:42:04,154
this whole building
used to be somewhere else?

987
00:42:04,231 --> 00:42:05,732
I'm gonna go with no.

988
00:42:05,815 --> 00:42:07,943
- The building
has not been moved.
- You know, Midge,

989
00:42:08,026 --> 00:42:09,826
that Bennett gig seems
like a big opportunity.

990
00:42:09,861 --> 00:42:11,780
You might want to give it
a second thought.

991
00:42:11,863 --> 00:42:13,341
Thanks, Frank.
Susie and I have a plan.

992
00:42:13,365 --> 00:42:14,759
Is the plan to open
for Tony Bennett?

993
00:42:14,783 --> 00:42:15,968
'Cause that sounds
like a good plan.

994
00:42:15,992 --> 00:42:17,661
It's not, but thanks for asking.

995
00:42:17,744 --> 00:42:18,971
Tony Bennett is a great singer.

996
00:42:18,995 --> 00:42:20,163
You would work nice with him.

997
00:42:20,247 --> 00:42:21,373
I would.

998
00:42:21,456 --> 00:42:23,041
I'm not gonna, but I would.

999
00:42:23,124 --> 00:42:26,044
Miriam, as friends
of yours and Susie's...

1000
00:42:26,127 --> 00:42:28,064
I'd say more like family
than friends at this point.

1001
00:42:28,088 --> 00:42:29,690
We're just looking out
for your well-being.

1002
00:42:29,714 --> 00:42:31,192
You should consider
changing your mind.

1003
00:42:31,216 --> 00:42:32,568
And then you should
change your mind.

1004
00:42:32,592 --> 00:42:34,469
He won't give us a line
till he tracks down

1005
00:42:34,552 --> 00:42:36,012
the origins of this phone.

1006
00:42:36,096 --> 00:42:38,223
Hey, Dinah, stir the sauce.

1007
00:42:39,641 --> 00:42:41,643
- Two lines, right?
- Yes, please.

1008
00:42:43,103 --> 00:42:44,813
Don't open the door.

1009
00:42:47,774 --> 00:42:49,776
Can I talk to you a minute?

1010
00:42:54,030 --> 00:42:55,657
Why are they suddenly
always around?

1011
00:42:55,740 --> 00:42:57,575
- Who?
- Martini and Rossi.

1012
00:42:57,659 --> 00:42:59,494
I don't know.
They're just hanging out.

1013
00:42:59,577 --> 00:43:01,329
Here. They are hanging out here.

1014
00:43:01,413 --> 00:43:03,415
Yes, here. They got this place
for me, remember?

1015
00:43:03,498 --> 00:43:05,810
They found the furniture for me.
They suggested the layout.

1016
00:43:05,834 --> 00:43:07,627
- Why?
- Why?

1017
00:43:07,711 --> 00:43:09,629
'Cause it's not obvious
to the eye, Miriam.

1018
00:43:09,713 --> 00:43:11,256
It's a lot
of fucking space to fill.

1019
00:43:11,339 --> 00:43:13,466
Susie, think. Why did they
do all this for you?

1020
00:43:13,550 --> 00:43:15,070
'Cause you're just
so fun to be around?

1021
00:43:15,135 --> 00:43:16,428
Fuck you. I am fun.

1022
00:43:16,511 --> 00:43:18,596
These guys aren't pals
with people without a catch.

1023
00:43:18,680 --> 00:43:20,098
What's the catch?

1024
00:43:21,141 --> 00:43:22,183
What do you care?

1025
00:43:24,561 --> 00:43:26,021
They said something
about a taste.

1026
00:43:26,104 --> 00:43:28,273
- A taste of what?
- Okay, you need to relax.

1027
00:43:28,356 --> 00:43:29,482
These guys are mobsters.

1028
00:43:29,566 --> 00:43:31,484
Hey, I know what they are, okay?

1029
00:43:31,568 --> 00:43:33,820
They kidnapped me
for a night, if you remember.

1030
00:43:33,903 --> 00:43:35,989
What are they getting
a taste of?

1031
00:43:36,072 --> 00:43:37,907
Look, they did a favor for me.

1032
00:43:37,991 --> 00:43:40,452
Someday, I will do a favor
for them. That's how it works.

1033
00:43:40,535 --> 00:43:43,621
What favor? You have nothing
to give guys who want a favor.

1034
00:43:43,705 --> 00:43:45,874
- I have, too.
- I am the favor.

1035
00:43:45,957 --> 00:43:47,375
Okay. We are done here.

1036
00:43:47,459 --> 00:43:49,044
Susie, please listen to me.

1037
00:43:49,127 --> 00:43:51,087
Boy, I have to tell you,
one thing I am

1038
00:43:51,171 --> 00:43:54,174
very tired of doing right now,
Miriam, is listening to you.

1039
00:44:05,143 --> 00:44:06,603
Moishe, careful.

1040
00:44:06,686 --> 00:44:08,497
- There's a step.
- There's a step here, Moishe.

1041
00:44:08,521 --> 00:44:09,856
Right here. Watch the step.

1042
00:44:09,939 --> 00:44:11,983
Shirley, I have the onions.

1043
00:44:12,067 --> 00:44:13,693
- Slow down, Pop.
- I am.

1044
00:44:13,777 --> 00:44:15,737
- I said slow down.
- I go any slower,

1045
00:44:15,820 --> 00:44:17,489
technically,
I will have stopped.

1046
00:44:17,572 --> 00:44:19,657
- Pop, please.
- Joel, I love you.

1047
00:44:19,741 --> 00:44:21,659
You're my son. Now, fuck off.

1048
00:44:21,743 --> 00:44:23,596
Zelda's a genius.
She's got everything arranged.

1049
00:44:23,620 --> 00:44:25,205
Your bedroom's down here.

1050
00:44:25,288 --> 00:44:27,088
- The dining room's in there.
- This is silly.

1051
00:44:27,165 --> 00:44:28,917
I'm on display here
like a prize pig.

1052
00:44:29,000 --> 00:44:30,811
The third doctor
from the right said no stairs.

1053
00:44:30,835 --> 00:44:32,504
That's the fourth doctor
from the left.

1054
00:44:32,587 --> 00:44:34,732
Third doctor from the right,
fourth doctor from the left

1055
00:44:34,756 --> 00:44:36,549
is the same doctor, by the way.

1056
00:44:36,633 --> 00:44:38,760
And this is from the man
that was dead a few days ago.

1057
00:44:38,843 --> 00:44:40,261
Let's get you in bed,
Mr. Moishe.

1058
00:44:40,345 --> 00:44:42,055
Just a minute.
I need to talk to Joely.

1059
00:44:42,138 --> 00:44:44,891
Wow. That's a sailor's grip
you got there.

1060
00:44:44,974 --> 00:44:46,810
Okay. I'm on the bed.

1061
00:44:46,893 --> 00:44:48,770
I'm sitting very still.
I'm not eating salt.

1062
00:44:48,853 --> 00:44:50,563
Can I talk to my son
for a moment?

1063
00:44:50,647 --> 00:44:52,315
- Of course.
- Listen.

1064
00:44:53,400 --> 00:44:55,777
I need to say something here.

1065
00:44:55,860 --> 00:44:58,530
On the night of... the thing,
you were telling me about...

1066
00:44:58,613 --> 00:44:59,906
Pop, we don't have to do this.

1067
00:44:59,989 --> 00:45:01,449
I want you to know I heard you.

1068
00:45:01,533 --> 00:45:03,118
I heard everything you said.

1069
00:45:03,201 --> 00:45:06,413
Now, I will admit that
the timing does seem suspicious,

1070
00:45:06,496 --> 00:45:10,667
but I need to make it very clear
that I did not have the thing

1071
00:45:10,750 --> 00:45:13,461
- because you told me
about your girlfriend.
- You didn't?

1072
00:45:13,545 --> 00:45:15,171
I do not care
that she is Chinese.

1073
00:45:15,255 --> 00:45:17,215
- Do I need to repeat this?
- No.

1074
00:45:17,298 --> 00:45:18,716
I am surprised
that she's pregnant,

1075
00:45:18,800 --> 00:45:20,385
but you have two kids
and a zipper,

1076
00:45:20,468 --> 00:45:22,804
so not totally unexpected.

1077
00:45:22,887 --> 00:45:24,806
Plus, it's one more chance
to name someone

1078
00:45:24,889 --> 00:45:26,224
after my Grandmother Helda.

1079
00:45:26,307 --> 00:45:27,392
No, it's not.

1080
00:45:27,475 --> 00:45:29,602
You love her.
You're going to marry her,

1081
00:45:29,686 --> 00:45:31,479
have a family,
another grandchild.

1082
00:45:31,563 --> 00:45:32,772
That's a mitzvah.

1083
00:45:32,856 --> 00:45:35,150
- That, we celebrate.
- Thank you, Pop.

1084
00:45:35,233 --> 00:45:37,628
However, she has to be Jewish by
the time you tell your mother.

1085
00:45:37,652 --> 00:45:39,612
- What?
- It's easy. She meets a rabbi,

1086
00:45:39,696 --> 00:45:40,864
reads a book, takes a bath.

1087
00:45:40,947 --> 00:45:43,700
- Pop.
- I'm getting very weak, Joel.

1088
00:45:43,783 --> 00:45:45,368
Try not to upset me.

1089
00:45:45,452 --> 00:45:47,078
Zelda made her beef tea, Moishe.

1090
00:45:47,162 --> 00:45:48,538
- Drink up.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh.

1091
00:45:48,621 --> 00:45:50,498
- Ah, ah, ah, ah.
- Rose.

1092
00:45:50,582 --> 00:45:51,875
Excuse us, Moishe.

1093
00:45:51,958 --> 00:45:53,877
Abe, my goodness.

1094
00:45:53,960 --> 00:45:55,628
What's the matter?

1095
00:45:59,090 --> 00:46:02,135
♪ <i>Mama, Mama, for my sake...</i>

1096
00:46:02,218 --> 00:46:03,511
Abe.

1097
00:46:03,595 --> 00:46:06,473
And, uh, I got
something for you.

1098
00:46:12,228 --> 00:46:14,898
♪ <i>Your tummy say howdy...</i>

1099
00:46:14,981 --> 00:46:18,693
Just remember, I am going first.

1100
00:46:18,776 --> 00:46:20,361
Whatever you want, Abe.

1101
00:46:26,951 --> 00:46:29,829
Too thick. Too thin.

1102
00:46:29,913 --> 00:46:32,248
Too long. What kind of bread
do you put that in?

1103
00:46:32,332 --> 00:46:35,084
- How long is she gonna take?
- - Shh!

1104
00:46:36,336 --> 00:46:38,546
Start again.

1105
00:46:48,890 --> 00:46:51,809
You just save me a piece
of that wedding cake.

1106
00:47:25,718 --> 00:47:27,470
We're going to war, Vincent.

1107
00:47:32,350 --> 00:47:34,018
My God, that smells good.

1108
00:47:37,438 --> 00:47:39,399
<i>Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.</i>

1109
00:47:39,482 --> 00:47:41,776
<i>It gives me a great deal
of pleasure to welcome you</i>

1110
00:47:41,859 --> 00:47:45,029
<i>to this performance of
Lenny Bruce at Carnegie Hall.</i>

1111
00:47:45,113 --> 00:47:48,241
<i>The one thing I'd like to say
about the label</i>

1112
00:47:48,324 --> 00:47:50,743
<i>of "sick comedian,"
which I think...</i>

1113
00:47:50,827 --> 00:47:52,453
Is there
anyone out there?

1114
00:47:52,537 --> 00:47:54,205
I don't know, man.
Go out there and look.

1115
00:47:54,289 --> 00:47:56,040
No, I'm not gonna
go out there and look.

1116
00:47:56,124 --> 00:47:58,042
Does it matter?
Will it change anything?

1117
00:47:58,126 --> 00:47:59,669
It's fine.
I'll just go out there

1118
00:47:59,752 --> 00:48:02,064
and entertain whatever junkie
wandered in from Times Square.

1119
00:48:02,088 --> 00:48:03,756
Won't be the first time.

1120
00:48:03,840 --> 00:48:07,343
<i>...but that
Lenny Bruce comments, reflects,</i>

1121
00:48:07,427 --> 00:48:09,971
<i>holds up the mirror,
so to speak,</i>

1122
00:48:10,054 --> 00:48:12,890
<i>to the sick elements
in our society</i>

1123
00:48:12,974 --> 00:48:16,853
<i>that should be reflected upon
and that should be spoken about.</i>

1124
00:48:21,357 --> 00:48:23,735
<i>And so at this time,
ladies and gentlemen,</i>

1125
00:48:23,818 --> 00:48:25,153
<i>Lenny Bruce.</i>

1126
00:48:25,236 --> 00:48:26,779
- Shit.
- Oh.

1127
00:48:26,863 --> 00:48:29,324
Go get 'em, Lenny.

1128
00:48:44,631 --> 00:48:46,442
- You're the best, Lenny!
- All right, all right.

1129
00:48:46,466 --> 00:48:48,259
Cool it. Like, um...

1130
00:48:48,343 --> 00:48:53,389
I wasn't doing a milking bit,
but it's ridiculous, man.

1131
00:48:53,473 --> 00:48:55,475
Hee-hee!

1132
00:48:55,558 --> 00:48:58,186
You should dig
my point of view here, man.

1133
00:48:59,228 --> 00:49:02,357
You know, uh, working
Carnegie Hall is like, uh...

1134
00:49:02,440 --> 00:49:04,067
I dig it, you know.

1135
00:49:04,150 --> 00:49:05,610
It's like a...

1136
00:49:05,693 --> 00:49:08,655
But it's a... I had a lot
of fantasies with it, you know.

1137
00:49:08,738 --> 00:49:10,073
Uh, two great fantasies.

1138
00:49:10,156 --> 00:49:12,283
Uh, one, he introduces me

1139
00:49:12,367 --> 00:49:15,078
and I come out with a violin
and I just cook, man.

1140
00:49:17,121 --> 00:49:18,289
But for an hour, man.

1141
00:49:19,582 --> 00:49:21,417
Every Stravinsky. Heavy like...

1142
00:49:23,378 --> 00:49:26,214
And I don't say a word, zugnish,
and I split, you know.

1143
00:49:26,297 --> 00:49:27,840
You go, "What was that, man?"

1144
00:49:27,924 --> 00:49:31,552
"I don't know. It was a concert
and he played a violin."

1145
00:49:31,636 --> 00:49:32,970
"He didn't do any bits?"

1146
00:49:33,054 --> 00:49:35,723
"No, man, he just wailed
his ass off with a violin."

1147
00:49:35,807 --> 00:49:36,807
Yeah.

1148
00:49:36,849 --> 00:49:38,226
Excuse me.

1149
00:49:38,309 --> 00:49:39,811
Excuse me. Pardon me.

1150
00:49:39,894 --> 00:49:41,145
Excu...

1151
00:49:43,189 --> 00:49:46,317
Okay. Now, number two fantasy
is that, uh...

1152
00:49:46,401 --> 00:49:48,403
As this is the 12:00 scene...

1153
00:49:48,486 --> 00:49:50,655
Uh, maybe the people
who own this place

1154
00:49:50,738 --> 00:49:53,157
don't even know we're here.

1155
00:49:53,241 --> 00:49:55,159
Right? Yeah.

1156
00:49:55,243 --> 00:49:57,995
You get a guy who's
like a-a good corrupt janitor.

1157
00:49:58,079 --> 00:49:59,932
You know? "Uh, all right,
but don't make no noise

1158
00:49:59,956 --> 00:50:01,350
and clean up
after you're finished."

1159
00:50:02,458 --> 00:50:04,627
Okay. Okay, dig.

1160
00:50:07,630 --> 00:50:11,884
So now you've got
a dopey cliché like, uh,

1161
00:50:11,968 --> 00:50:14,929
"Would you want your sister
to marry one of them?"

1162
00:50:15,012 --> 00:50:17,432
Which, see, has...
there's no logic there, see.

1163
00:50:17,515 --> 00:50:20,101
Because you got to tell me
which sister, which one of them.

1164
00:50:21,769 --> 00:50:24,897
Because if I talk to a member
of the Ku Klux Klan and I say,

1165
00:50:24,981 --> 00:50:27,233
"Uh, let's see,
you're, uh, 35 years old,

1166
00:50:27,316 --> 00:50:31,195
you're unmarried, you're white,
you're an attractive man.

1167
00:50:31,279 --> 00:50:34,824
I'm gonna give you a choice...
Own free will...

1168
00:50:34,907 --> 00:50:38,161
Of marrying a Black woman
or a white woman.

1169
00:50:38,244 --> 00:50:41,789
Two chicks, about the same ages,
same economic level,

1170
00:50:41,873 --> 00:50:43,332
and you make the choice.

1171
00:50:43,416 --> 00:50:45,644
But you got to marry her.
Whatever marriage means to you.

1172
00:50:45,668 --> 00:50:48,087
Kissing and hugging
and sleeping in a single bed

1173
00:50:48,171 --> 00:50:50,214
on hot nights.

1174
00:50:50,298 --> 00:50:52,800
Fifteen years
with a Black, Black woman

1175
00:50:52,884 --> 00:50:54,719
or 15 years
with a white, white woman.

1176
00:50:54,802 --> 00:50:56,929
Kissing and hugging
that Black, Black woman

1177
00:50:57,013 --> 00:50:58,431
or the white one.

1178
00:50:58,514 --> 00:51:01,559
You make your choice between the
Black woman or the white woman.

1179
00:51:01,642 --> 00:51:03,186
The white woman...

1180
00:51:03,269 --> 00:51:04,771
is Kate Smith.

1181
00:51:07,315 --> 00:51:09,442
The Black woman

1182
00:51:09,525 --> 00:51:10,943
is Lena Horne.

1183
00:51:11,027 --> 00:51:13,154
So, then you are not concerned

1184
00:51:13,237 --> 00:51:15,740
with Black or white anymore,
are you?"

1185
00:51:17,867 --> 00:51:19,869
I don't know if there's
any losers out here.

1186
00:51:21,913 --> 00:51:23,724
You know, when you break up
with your old lady,

1187
00:51:23,748 --> 00:51:26,250
uh, get divorced,
uh, here's the problem.

1188
00:51:26,334 --> 00:51:27,728
I don't know
if you'll encounter it.

1189
00:51:27,752 --> 00:51:29,587
It's particularly
a show business problem,

1190
00:51:29,670 --> 00:51:32,006
but, uh... because of my hours.

1191
00:51:32,089 --> 00:51:34,342
I'm not a particularly
promiscuous person,

1192
00:51:34,425 --> 00:51:37,094
but I like to have someone,
you know, to hang out with,

1193
00:51:37,178 --> 00:51:38,888
to talk to.

1194
00:51:38,971 --> 00:51:42,058
Usually, I go out with chicks
that are between 30 and 40,

1195
00:51:42,141 --> 00:51:43,976
because they're usually divorced

1196
00:51:44,060 --> 00:51:45,520
and good and bitter, too,
you know.

1197
00:51:46,646 --> 00:51:48,439
But the hang-up is,

1198
00:51:48,523 --> 00:51:51,150
where can you go
at 4:00 in the morning?

1199
00:51:51,234 --> 00:51:52,777
And every chick I know
who's divorced

1200
00:51:52,860 --> 00:51:54,580
has got a seven-year-old kid.

1201
00:51:54,654 --> 00:51:56,739
If they haven't got
a seven-year-old kid,

1202
00:51:56,823 --> 00:51:59,575
they've got a mother who lives
with them who's divorced, too.

1203
00:51:59,659 --> 00:52:02,245
And those kinds of mothers
are real nuts.

1204
00:52:02,328 --> 00:52:04,580
You know, complete competition
with their daughters.

1205
00:52:04,664 --> 00:52:07,750
"Oh, you think I got nice legs?
I was a Charleston dancer."

1206
00:52:08,960 --> 00:52:11,170
Yeah. Yeah.

1207
00:52:11,254 --> 00:52:13,422
And so the hang-up is,

1208
00:52:13,506 --> 00:52:16,008
at 4:00 in the morning,
where you gonna...

1209
00:52:16,092 --> 00:52:19,554
If you say, uh, "motel,"
semantics, that's out.

1210
00:52:19,637 --> 00:52:21,556
Yeah.

1211
00:52:21,639 --> 00:52:24,100
Really. It's got, like,
a lewd connotation.

1212
00:52:24,183 --> 00:52:27,270
So, I figured all kinds
of devices, like, uh,

1213
00:52:27,353 --> 00:52:29,480
I tell a chick "a trailer."

1214
00:52:29,564 --> 00:52:31,566
That sounds cute, right?

1215
00:52:31,649 --> 00:52:33,150
Nothing dirty about trailers.

1216
00:52:33,234 --> 00:52:35,111
"Hey, want to go to my trailer?"

1217
00:52:35,194 --> 00:52:37,113
"Yeah, okay. Where is it?"

1218
00:52:37,196 --> 00:52:39,490
"Well, it's
in my motel room now."

1219
00:52:40,992 --> 00:52:43,244
"Yeah.
I'll help you assemble it."

1220
00:52:47,206 --> 00:52:50,334
This one chick, oh,
I kind of dug her, you know?

1221
00:52:50,418 --> 00:52:53,838
Uh, I known her a couple years,
seen her after work.

1222
00:52:53,921 --> 00:52:57,174
And, uh, we're sitting there
outside of the motel,

1223
00:52:57,258 --> 00:52:59,343
and, uh, she says,
"All right, look.

1224
00:52:59,427 --> 00:53:00,761
I don't want to go in there.

1225
00:53:00,845 --> 00:53:02,364
I don't want to be embarrassed
with the registering

1226
00:53:02,388 --> 00:53:03,514
and all that. You go in."

1227
00:53:03,598 --> 00:53:04,974
I say, "All right. Solid.

1228
00:53:05,057 --> 00:53:06,183
You stay in the car."

1229
00:53:06,267 --> 00:53:08,352
So, I go in.

1230
00:53:08,436 --> 00:53:10,354
Uh, "Hello."

1231
00:53:10,438 --> 00:53:12,398
"Hello. Um...

1232
00:53:12,481 --> 00:53:14,358
How much is it here a month?"

1233
00:53:14,442 --> 00:53:16,444
"Well, we just got
a daily rate.

1234
00:53:16,527 --> 00:53:17,653
Six dollars."

1235
00:53:17,737 --> 00:53:19,155
"Uh...

1236
00:53:19,238 --> 00:53:20,573
I'll tell you what.

1237
00:53:20,656 --> 00:53:21,699
Uh...

1238
00:53:21,782 --> 00:53:24,702
My sister's out in the car,
and, uh...

1239
00:53:24,785 --> 00:53:26,579
we had a terrible tragedy
in our family.

1240
00:53:26,662 --> 00:53:28,080
My uncle passed away.

1241
00:53:28,164 --> 00:53:30,666
And I don't know if you've
ever had a tragedy like that.

1242
00:53:30,750 --> 00:53:32,710
Uh, we were very close
to him, in fact.

1243
00:53:32,793 --> 00:53:35,755
And, uh, she's all shook up.
She's under sedation.

1244
00:53:35,838 --> 00:53:37,506
She's just hysterical.

1245
00:53:37,590 --> 00:53:40,092
So, I'm gonna sleep with her."

1246
00:53:47,850 --> 00:53:49,644
Time to split.

1247
00:53:49,727 --> 00:53:51,354
Grab a shovel and go home.

1248
00:53:51,437 --> 00:53:52,355
Thank you.

1249
00:54:14,126 --> 00:54:15,628
Excuse me.

1250
00:54:15,711 --> 00:54:18,881
Excuse me.
Ooh, sorry if that was a foot!

1251
00:54:18,965 --> 00:54:21,133
Ah! Ha! There she is.

1252
00:54:21,217 --> 00:54:23,886
Everyone, this is Midge Maisel.

1253
00:54:23,970 --> 00:54:25,554
Mrs., to those in the know.

1254
00:54:25,638 --> 00:54:27,198
Hey, hey, hey,
how's your father-in-law?

1255
00:54:27,264 --> 00:54:29,225
He's fine, actually.
He's gonna recover.

1256
00:54:29,308 --> 00:54:30,953
Oh, thank God.
We were in a panic all evening.

1257
00:54:30,977 --> 00:54:32,103
Uh, can you all excuse me?

1258
00:54:32,186 --> 00:54:34,271
I have to talk to this lady
for a moment.

1259
00:54:36,273 --> 00:54:40,361
Lenny, you were
insanely great tonight.

1260
00:54:40,444 --> 00:54:42,154
Really.

1261
00:54:42,238 --> 00:54:45,992
The people around me
never wanted you to stop.

1262
00:54:46,075 --> 00:54:47,368
Might've wanted you to slow down

1263
00:54:47,451 --> 00:54:49,745
if they were following you
like this.

1264
00:54:49,829 --> 00:54:50,746
Lenny.

1265
00:54:50,830 --> 00:54:52,373
Little tip:
the nicer the lady looks,

1266
00:54:52,456 --> 00:54:54,291
the worse her shoes are.

1267
00:54:59,380 --> 00:55:01,048
Wow.

1268
00:55:01,132 --> 00:55:03,676
This is amazing.

1269
00:55:03,759 --> 00:55:05,344
How did it feel?

1270
00:55:05,428 --> 00:55:08,472
How did it feel? Uh...

1271
00:55:08,556 --> 00:55:10,850
It felt great.

1272
00:55:10,933 --> 00:55:12,685
Been here before
to see concerts,

1273
00:55:12,768 --> 00:55:15,563
but out in the audience,
obviously.

1274
00:55:15,646 --> 00:55:17,648
I hear you turned down
the Bennett gig.

1275
00:55:17,732 --> 00:55:19,650
Yeah.

1276
00:55:19,734 --> 00:55:21,068
I did.

1277
00:55:21,152 --> 00:55:23,195
Said you wouldn't even
come to the phone.

1278
00:55:23,279 --> 00:55:26,323
Well, that was more Susie,
but yes.

1279
00:55:26,407 --> 00:55:28,242
Okay.

1280
00:55:28,325 --> 00:55:29,452
Let's put aside for a moment

1281
00:55:29,535 --> 00:55:31,203
that I went to bat for you
for that job.

1282
00:55:31,287 --> 00:55:33,539
I mean, really, I turned down
their price three times.

1283
00:55:33,622 --> 00:55:34,832
"No, she can't work for that.

1284
00:55:34,915 --> 00:55:36,059
Do you have any idea
what you're getting here?"

1285
00:55:36,083 --> 00:55:37,501
That's on me.

1286
00:55:37,585 --> 00:55:39,271
You didn't ask me to do that,
so I'm the schmuck there.

1287
00:55:39,295 --> 00:55:41,881
- Lenny...
- But I couldn't
really figure out why.

1288
00:55:41,964 --> 00:55:43,090
So I asked around.

1289
00:55:43,174 --> 00:55:44,508
I don't know.

1290
00:55:44,592 --> 00:55:46,093
Were you being
blacklisted again?

1291
00:55:46,177 --> 00:55:47,777
Did the Baldwin thing
hurt you that much?

1292
00:55:47,845 --> 00:55:49,096
I'm at Carnegie Hall.

1293
00:55:49,180 --> 00:55:51,098
I've got five minutes
where maybe I can help you

1294
00:55:51,182 --> 00:55:53,517
before I'm thrown out
of the club again.

1295
00:55:53,601 --> 00:55:55,561
But then I heard that
you were turning down gigs

1296
00:55:55,644 --> 00:55:57,271
right and left.

1297
00:55:57,354 --> 00:55:59,815
I made a decision
to do things my way.

1298
00:55:59,899 --> 00:56:01,692
I'm sorry, what does that mean?

1299
00:56:01,776 --> 00:56:05,488
It means I just want to say
what I want to say.

1300
00:56:05,571 --> 00:56:06,864
Why am I explaining this to you?

1301
00:56:06,947 --> 00:56:10,201
Why? Because my fucking mind
is blown, that's why.

1302
00:56:10,284 --> 00:56:11,452
I don't understand.

1303
00:56:11,535 --> 00:56:13,370
No opening act gigs.

1304
00:56:13,454 --> 00:56:14,830
- Yes.
- That's true?

1305
00:56:14,914 --> 00:56:15,831
Yes, that's true.

1306
00:56:15,915 --> 00:56:17,833
I told you about the manifesto.

1307
00:56:17,917 --> 00:56:19,627
Do you understand
that this is a business?

1308
00:56:19,710 --> 00:56:21,962
Like anything else...
You get hired, you get paid.

1309
00:56:22,046 --> 00:56:24,173
- You understand that?
- Yes, but...

1310
00:56:24,256 --> 00:56:26,258
And the trick is
to get good and get paid.

1311
00:56:26,342 --> 00:56:27,593
I get paid at the Wolford.

1312
00:56:27,676 --> 00:56:29,553
Oh, come on.
One thing you are not is dumb.

1313
00:56:29,637 --> 00:56:32,306
Wait a minute.
You never compromise.

1314
00:56:32,389 --> 00:56:35,184
You get up onstage knowing the
police could be there, or, hell,

1315
00:56:35,267 --> 00:56:36,769
that they are there, and you say

1316
00:56:36,852 --> 00:56:39,021
whatever the hell it is
you want anyhow.

1317
00:56:39,105 --> 00:56:40,332
Why is it wrong for me
to want to do

1318
00:56:40,356 --> 00:56:42,084
- the very same thing?
- Jesus Christ, Midge.

1319
00:56:42,108 --> 00:56:44,401
What a fucking pedestal
you put me on.

1320
00:56:45,736 --> 00:56:48,072
Getting arrested
is not a badge of honor.

1321
00:56:48,155 --> 00:56:50,658
Getting arrested means I can't
work where I want to work.

1322
00:56:50,741 --> 00:56:52,827
People are afraid of booking me.

1323
00:56:52,910 --> 00:56:55,538
It's exactly the opposite
of what I want for myself.

1324
00:56:55,621 --> 00:56:57,873
- But...
- Do you know how much
I hate knowing that half

1325
00:56:57,957 --> 00:57:00,393
the people that come to see me
are hoping I'm gonna get popped?

1326
00:57:00,417 --> 00:57:02,562
Hoping they'll have some great
story to tell their friends

1327
00:57:02,586 --> 00:57:04,255
over cheese and crackers?

1328
00:57:04,338 --> 00:57:06,298
I want people to fucking laugh.

1329
00:57:06,382 --> 00:57:08,634
Think and laugh, sure,
but laugh.

1330
00:57:08,717 --> 00:57:09,969
I'm a comic.

1331
00:57:10,052 --> 00:57:11,262
An entertainer.

1332
00:57:11,345 --> 00:57:12,888
Baggy pants, banana peels.

1333
00:57:12,972 --> 00:57:15,474
I'm not the stand-up messiah.

1334
00:57:15,558 --> 00:57:18,394
This is what I want.

1335
00:57:18,477 --> 00:57:20,271
This is what I have worked for.

1336
00:57:20,354 --> 00:57:21,814
Don't you want this?

1337
00:57:21,897 --> 00:57:23,899
Don't you want to be here?

1338
00:57:23,983 --> 00:57:26,235
Don't you want to know
a thousand mental patients

1339
00:57:26,318 --> 00:57:28,404
braved a fucking snowstorm
to see you?

1340
00:57:28,487 --> 00:57:30,948
- That should be the goal.
- How do you know it's not?

1341
00:57:31,031 --> 00:57:32,575
Because you're not
gonna get here

1342
00:57:32,658 --> 00:57:35,161
hiding yourself away in a club
that technically doesn't exist.

1343
00:57:35,244 --> 00:57:37,955
- I'm not hiding.
- You sure as fuck are hiding.

1344
00:57:38,998 --> 00:57:40,267
So what you got dumped
by Baldwin?

1345
00:57:40,291 --> 00:57:41,750
Who gives a shit?
Go get another gig.

1346
00:57:41,834 --> 00:57:42,751
And another and another.

1347
00:57:42,835 --> 00:57:44,587
So I'm just supposed
to get fired

1348
00:57:44,670 --> 00:57:45,796
from one job after another?

1349
00:57:45,880 --> 00:57:48,090
Yes. If that's what it takes.

1350
00:57:48,174 --> 00:57:50,551
Listen to me.

1351
00:57:50,634 --> 00:57:51,969
I have made a lot of mistakes

1352
00:57:52,052 --> 00:57:53,613
and I am gonna keep making
a lot of mistakes,

1353
00:57:53,637 --> 00:57:55,681
but one thing
is crystal clear in my mind

1354
00:57:55,764 --> 00:57:57,266
and it's what the endgame is.

1355
00:57:57,349 --> 00:57:59,351
Oh, really? So that's
what the bag in your...

1356
00:57:59,435 --> 00:58:01,854
No. Do not make this about me.

1357
00:58:01,937 --> 00:58:03,480
This is about you.

1358
00:58:03,564 --> 00:58:06,650
You wanted me to remember
you're funny, right?

1359
00:58:06,734 --> 00:58:08,485
That night?

1360
00:58:08,569 --> 00:58:10,380
You didn't want me
to think of you as just a girl.

1361
00:58:10,404 --> 00:58:12,948
You wanted me
to think of you as a comic.

1362
00:58:13,032 --> 00:58:15,659
Well, don't you forget
that I'm a comic, too.

1363
00:58:15,743 --> 00:58:17,554
Don't you dare look at me
as someone to be pitied

1364
00:58:17,578 --> 00:58:18,829
or helped or fixed.

1365
00:58:18,913 --> 00:58:21,207
I do not want or need that,
especially from you.

1366
00:58:21,290 --> 00:58:23,435
- I don't want to fix you.
- Ninety percent of this game

1367
00:58:23,459 --> 00:58:25,878
is how they see you.

1368
00:58:25,961 --> 00:58:27,671
They see you hanging
with Tony Bennett,

1369
00:58:27,755 --> 00:58:29,256
they think
you deserve to be there.

1370
00:58:29,340 --> 00:58:30,567
They see you hauled off to jail

1371
00:58:30,591 --> 00:58:32,176
for saying "fuck"
at a strip club,

1372
00:58:32,259 --> 00:58:33,761
they think
you deserve that also.

1373
00:58:33,844 --> 00:58:35,721
Wise up.

1374
00:58:38,015 --> 00:58:39,516
I'm not hiding.

1375
00:58:39,600 --> 00:58:40,684
I have a plan.

1376
00:58:40,768 --> 00:58:42,228
Don't plan!

1377
00:58:42,311 --> 00:58:43,979
Work.

1378
00:58:44,063 --> 00:58:46,398
Just work and keep working.

1379
00:58:47,524 --> 00:58:49,777
There is a moment
in this business,

1380
00:58:49,860 --> 00:58:51,362
window's open.

1381
00:58:51,445 --> 00:58:53,197
If you miss it, it closes.

1382
00:58:53,280 --> 00:58:54,323
Just don't...

1383
00:58:58,494 --> 00:59:01,163
If you blow this, Midge,
I swear...

1384
00:59:09,296 --> 00:59:12,049
...you will break
my fucking heart.

1385
01:00:20,200 --> 01:00:22,369
Kennedy/Johnson!

1386
01:00:22,453 --> 01:00:24,830
We did it!

1387
01:00:29,626 --> 01:00:31,920
♪ <i>Oops, there goes the opp...</i>

1388
01:03:47,241 --> 01:03:49,201
♪