1 00:00:07,633 --> 00:00:09,635 [Abe] You're walking way too fast. 2 00:00:09,719 --> 00:00:10,970 What room did she say? 3 00:00:11,053 --> 00:00:12,304 Twelve. Room 12. 4 00:00:12,388 --> 00:00:13,806 I think she said ten. 5 00:00:13,889 --> 00:00:15,850 - I heard eight. - She said 12. 6 00:00:15,933 --> 00:00:18,144 I'll go back and check. Should I go back and check? 7 00:00:18,227 --> 00:00:19,854 Yes. Go back and check. 8 00:00:19,937 --> 00:00:21,272 [Abe] Are you being sarcastic? 9 00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:22,732 [Midge] The cab driver was an idiot. 10 00:00:22,815 --> 00:00:24,024 [Rose] We're so sorry, Shirley. 11 00:00:25,067 --> 00:00:26,610 Oy, my God. 12 00:00:26,694 --> 00:00:28,279 It's bad, isn't it, Abe? 13 00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:30,406 Papa? You want to go get people coffee? 14 00:00:30,489 --> 00:00:32,241 - Who wants coffee? - [others] Mm-mm. 15 00:00:32,324 --> 00:00:34,785 - Everyone wants coffee. - Guess I'll get coffee. 16 00:00:34,869 --> 00:00:36,662 - Oh. - What are they saying? 17 00:00:36,746 --> 00:00:38,914 - They say he's going to die. - They didn't say that. 18 00:00:38,998 --> 00:00:40,791 Well, they said he's probably going to die. 19 00:00:40,875 --> 00:00:42,793 Ma, they're still doing tests. 20 00:00:42,877 --> 00:00:44,336 A lot of tests but no word yet. 21 00:00:44,420 --> 00:00:46,547 "No word" means he's definitely going to die. 22 00:00:46,630 --> 00:00:47,923 You don't know that, Shirley. 23 00:00:48,007 --> 00:00:49,884 - You know something that I don't? - No. 24 00:00:49,967 --> 00:00:51,844 That gypsy fortune teller speak to somebody upstairs 25 00:00:51,927 --> 00:00:52,928 and tell you the future? 26 00:00:53,012 --> 00:00:54,054 - Ma. - Because I was sitting 27 00:00:54,138 --> 00:00:55,347 right here when the doctor said 28 00:00:55,431 --> 00:00:58,684 he absolutely, positively is going to die. 29 00:00:58,768 --> 00:01:00,311 Miriam! 30 00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:01,729 I didn't bring my wallet. 31 00:01:01,812 --> 00:01:03,355 That's okay. No one wants coffee. 32 00:01:03,439 --> 00:01:05,107 Then why did you send me to get coffee? 33 00:01:05,191 --> 00:01:07,693 Just stay with Shirley and don't speak. 34 00:01:07,777 --> 00:01:10,112 But-but where are you going? 35 00:01:10,196 --> 00:01:11,447 We'll be right back. 36 00:01:11,530 --> 00:01:13,032 Could you bring me a coffee? 37 00:01:13,115 --> 00:01:15,493 Mm-hmm. Are you okay? 38 00:01:15,618 --> 00:01:17,578 I killed him. I killed my father. 39 00:01:17,661 --> 00:01:19,038 - Joel, no. - Yes. 40 00:01:19,121 --> 00:01:20,664 Yes, I'm like that guy, uh... 41 00:01:20,748 --> 00:01:22,082 - Who was it? - Who was who? 42 00:01:22,166 --> 00:01:23,751 The guy in the Bible that killed his father. 43 00:01:23,834 --> 00:01:25,169 I don't know. Uh, Abraham? 44 00:01:25,252 --> 00:01:27,254 No. He was the one who almost killed his son. 45 00:01:27,338 --> 00:01:29,298 - Absalom? - No. It didn't start with an "A." 46 00:01:29,381 --> 00:01:30,883 Uh, Oedipus? 47 00:01:30,966 --> 00:01:32,635 - That's not the Bible. - But he killed his father. 48 00:01:32,718 --> 00:01:33,803 And married his mother. 49 00:01:33,886 --> 00:01:35,513 Well, other than that, I'm that guy. 50 00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:37,306 Joel... 51 00:01:37,389 --> 00:01:39,558 - What happened? - [sighs] 52 00:01:39,642 --> 00:01:42,228 He, uh, he came to the club. He had the costumes with him. 53 00:01:42,311 --> 00:01:44,396 - Uh, a pineapple, a carrot. Very cute. - I know. 54 00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:46,398 Oh, there was an option of them both being grapes. 55 00:01:46,482 --> 00:01:47,942 If you wanted to keep Esther from running off, 56 00:01:48,025 --> 00:01:49,151 - you'd tie 'em together like a bunch of... - Uh-huh. 57 00:01:49,235 --> 00:01:50,361 - Circle back around, honey. - Right. 58 00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:52,488 Uh, so I thought, he's here, he's happy. 59 00:01:52,571 --> 00:01:54,490 Good time to tell him about Mei. 60 00:01:54,573 --> 00:01:56,200 - What did you say? - I was nervous, 61 00:01:56,283 --> 00:01:58,661 so I-I just blurted shit out, and I think I kind of 62 00:01:58,744 --> 00:02:00,287 mushed "Chinese" and "pregnant" together. 63 00:02:00,371 --> 00:02:02,373 I should've let one sink in, then hit him with the other. 64 00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:03,791 I don't think it was you. 65 00:02:03,874 --> 00:02:06,085 Really. I think it was me. 66 00:02:06,168 --> 00:02:07,586 - What? - I did it. I killed Moishe. 67 00:02:07,670 --> 00:02:08,921 - You did not kill Moishe. - Our last conversation, 68 00:02:09,004 --> 00:02:10,464 I told him I couldn't pay him his money, 69 00:02:10,548 --> 00:02:12,383 and he literally told me he was having a heart attack. 70 00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:13,759 - When was this? - Two weeks ago. 71 00:02:13,843 --> 00:02:15,386 Pretty slow heart attack. 72 00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:17,137 But maybe I laid the track for him to have the heart attack. 73 00:02:17,221 --> 00:02:19,431 Got him started, and then you came in and finished him off. 74 00:02:19,515 --> 00:02:21,267 - This is very comforting. - You didn't kill your father. 75 00:02:21,350 --> 00:02:22,977 - Well, neither did you. - [doctor] Room 12. Moishe Maisel. 76 00:02:23,060 --> 00:02:24,436 The wife's a hysterical. 77 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:26,564 - [doctor sighs] - I-I should get back in there 78 00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:27,940 to listen to them tell us nothing. 79 00:02:28,023 --> 00:02:29,191 Because otherwise, it's a long time 80 00:02:29,275 --> 00:02:30,651 before they come back to tell us nothing. 81 00:02:30,734 --> 00:02:32,820 Twelve. I think it's room 12. Joel, Midge, how is he? 82 00:02:32,903 --> 00:02:34,446 We don't know. He's unconscious. 83 00:02:34,530 --> 00:02:35,447 [Archie] Unconscious? 84 00:02:35,531 --> 00:02:37,575 [groans] Jesus. I'm so sorry. 85 00:02:37,616 --> 00:02:40,703 - Thanks, pal. - No, I mean... 86 00:02:40,786 --> 00:02:42,329 - I killed your father, Joel. - What? 87 00:02:42,413 --> 00:02:44,039 [Archie] I lost the money. 88 00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:46,250 If that money hadn't have gotten ripped out of my hands... 89 00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:47,793 - Archie. - That's when all the trouble started. 90 00:02:47,877 --> 00:02:49,628 I had nothing to do with this, so I'll just be the person 91 00:02:49,712 --> 00:02:51,213 - who pats people's arms. - Calm down, Arch. 92 00:02:51,297 --> 00:02:52,506 Really. It's nice you're here. 93 00:02:52,590 --> 00:02:53,966 Should I go tell your mother it was my fault? 94 00:02:54,049 --> 00:02:55,801 - I'll do it later. - [Mei] This way to room 12? 95 00:02:55,885 --> 00:02:57,678 Finally. I left you a message over an hour ago. 96 00:02:57,761 --> 00:02:59,305 - Where have you been? - Yankee Stadium. 97 00:02:59,388 --> 00:03:01,140 - Why? - Because the message you left Li Wei said, 98 00:03:01,223 --> 00:03:02,516 "Go to Yankee Stadium." 99 00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:03,976 I've got to get a better fucking dictionary. 100 00:03:04,059 --> 00:03:06,145 - How is he? - [sighs] 101 00:03:07,396 --> 00:03:09,940 - [Joel] I don't know. - [Mei] He'll be okay. 102 00:03:10,024 --> 00:03:12,276 [Abe] Wait, what was that? What just happened? 103 00:03:12,359 --> 00:03:14,194 Yeah, I'm getting a lot of action today. 104 00:03:14,278 --> 00:03:16,196 Doctor! Get the doctor. 105 00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:17,615 - Why? What happened? - [Rose] Abe! 106 00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:19,783 Get back here. Nothing's changed. 107 00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:22,036 I distinctly heard a death rattle. 108 00:03:22,119 --> 00:03:24,455 You just dropped your keys. 109 00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:26,874 Come on, Papa. I'll hold your keys. 110 00:03:30,419 --> 00:03:32,421 [♪ Perry Como: "Here Comes Heaven Again"] 111 00:03:34,423 --> 00:03:37,009 [Rose] Okay, Abe, Zelda and I are heading to the house 112 00:03:37,092 --> 00:03:39,511 to get Shirley's things. 113 00:03:39,595 --> 00:03:42,181 Try to get some rest, Shirley. 114 00:03:42,264 --> 00:03:44,099 Mm. 115 00:03:45,643 --> 00:03:47,019 [sighs] 116 00:03:47,102 --> 00:03:53,692 [on TV] ♪ Get that angel face ♪ 117 00:03:55,319 --> 00:03:56,654 [sniffles] 118 00:03:56,737 --> 00:04:03,077 ♪ You don't need a halo or wings... 119 00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:07,039 Thank you for letting me spend the night here, Abe. 120 00:04:07,122 --> 00:04:10,417 That house without Moishe... 121 00:04:10,501 --> 00:04:13,587 You can stay here as long as you want. 122 00:04:13,671 --> 00:04:19,218 ♪ Fabulous things ♪ 123 00:04:19,301 --> 00:04:24,932 ♪ With eyes that lull me to dreams... 124 00:04:25,015 --> 00:04:28,060 Just wanted to make sure it was working in case they call. 125 00:04:28,143 --> 00:04:30,646 You're welcome to sit and watch with me. 126 00:04:30,729 --> 00:04:34,942 - I could make us a drink. - Ah, drink would be good. 127 00:04:35,025 --> 00:04:38,028 [sniffling] 128 00:04:38,112 --> 00:04:42,074 - You know, Moishe and I have the most beautiful burial plots. - Uh-huh. 129 00:04:42,157 --> 00:04:44,994 There's a tree right overhead, 130 00:04:45,077 --> 00:04:47,079 and Moishe sprung for a little bench 131 00:04:47,162 --> 00:04:50,332 - so people could sit. - Sit? Sure, sure. 132 00:04:50,416 --> 00:04:52,835 He also sprung for the maintenance package, 133 00:04:52,918 --> 00:04:55,963 which means the cemetery people have to cut the grass 134 00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:58,465 and empty the vases once a week. 135 00:05:00,092 --> 00:05:02,094 [both exhale] 136 00:05:02,177 --> 00:05:03,887 Do you and Rose have your plots yet? 137 00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:05,764 Have you ever seen The Twilight Zone? 138 00:05:05,848 --> 00:05:07,641 It's a terrific program. 139 00:05:07,725 --> 00:05:09,768 No. Is it on now? 140 00:05:09,852 --> 00:05:12,980 No. No, it's not, damn it. 141 00:05:13,063 --> 00:05:15,024 You know, you and Rose should really hurry up 142 00:05:15,107 --> 00:05:17,026 and get those plots. 143 00:05:17,109 --> 00:05:19,862 You don't want to leave any of the planning to the kids. 144 00:05:19,945 --> 00:05:21,989 [scoffs] Knowing Miriam, 145 00:05:22,072 --> 00:05:25,117 she'll probably want to get you a funny casket. 146 00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:28,871 Like one that's shaped like a shamrock or a schvantz. 147 00:05:28,954 --> 00:05:30,748 Can you imagine? 148 00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:32,624 Well, I can now. 149 00:05:33,625 --> 00:05:34,960 [sniffles] 150 00:05:35,044 --> 00:05:37,796 Moishe wants an obituary in The New York Times, 151 00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:40,049 just like Albert Einstein. 152 00:05:40,132 --> 00:05:42,509 He had the nicest obituary. 153 00:05:42,593 --> 00:05:44,928 I wonder who wrote it. [sniffles] 154 00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:47,139 [sobbing softly] 155 00:05:47,222 --> 00:05:49,850 We never... we never got to Turkey. 156 00:05:49,933 --> 00:05:51,852 Turkey? Why Turkey? 157 00:05:51,935 --> 00:05:55,272 We had a plumber that was from Turkey. 158 00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:57,566 [Shirley sobs, sniffles] 159 00:05:59,234 --> 00:06:01,945 - What are you gonna do if Rose goes first? - What? 160 00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:05,532 Oh, no. I-I'm definitely going first. 161 00:06:05,616 --> 00:06:07,785 [scoffs] 162 00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:11,872 I think God is a cruel god. Don't you? 163 00:06:11,955 --> 00:06:14,708 Well, I actually think God is 164 00:06:14,792 --> 00:06:17,252 more of a brilliant marketing ploy. 165 00:06:18,295 --> 00:06:21,131 It's cruel that people know they're going to die. 166 00:06:21,215 --> 00:06:23,300 It's like someone telling you the end of a movie 167 00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:25,344 before you've seen it. 168 00:06:25,427 --> 00:06:28,222 I mean, how much fun is it sitting through Casablanca 169 00:06:28,305 --> 00:06:31,433 if you already know Ingrid Bergman isn't ending up 170 00:06:31,517 --> 00:06:33,894 with Humphrey Bogart? 171 00:06:33,977 --> 00:06:37,898 No tap dancing, no dwarves. 172 00:06:37,981 --> 00:06:40,776 One song, and Bogart walks off 173 00:06:40,859 --> 00:06:42,861 with the guy who hangs out with Nazis. 174 00:06:44,113 --> 00:06:46,824 It is a very overrated movie. 175 00:06:47,866 --> 00:06:50,035 You know, when my grandfather was kidnapped... 176 00:06:50,119 --> 00:06:53,080 Hold on. Your grandfather was kidnapped? 177 00:06:53,163 --> 00:06:54,998 - Yes. - By who? 178 00:06:55,082 --> 00:06:58,043 Well, first we thought it was anarchists, 179 00:06:58,127 --> 00:07:00,254 but then we found out it was the Ubramawitz boys 180 00:07:00,337 --> 00:07:02,422 - from around the corner. - Why? 181 00:07:02,506 --> 00:07:04,341 Oh, who knows why boys do anything? 182 00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:06,885 Anyhow, before we got him back, 183 00:07:06,969 --> 00:07:10,639 when my grandmother thought he was gone for good, 184 00:07:10,722 --> 00:07:13,225 she said, "He's lucky. 185 00:07:13,308 --> 00:07:16,478 He died with all his teeth." 186 00:07:16,562 --> 00:07:19,398 That's the best you can hope for in life, 187 00:07:19,481 --> 00:07:22,693 that you die with all your teeth. 188 00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:24,903 [chuckles softly] 189 00:07:26,989 --> 00:07:28,407 Abe. 190 00:07:29,825 --> 00:07:31,994 I just want you to know, 191 00:07:32,077 --> 00:07:36,498 if Rose goes first, I will be there to help. 192 00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:40,544 Thank you, Shirley. 193 00:07:40,627 --> 00:07:46,383 ♪ Somebody's walking in my dream ♪♪ 194 00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:47,885 [phone rings] 195 00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:49,928 - Susie Myerson and Associates. - [footsteps running] 196 00:07:50,012 --> 00:07:51,471 - Uh-huh. - [laughter] 197 00:07:51,555 --> 00:07:53,015 Could you talk a little faster? 198 00:07:53,098 --> 00:07:55,517 We only have one line, so while I'm talking to you, 199 00:07:55,601 --> 00:07:57,019 three other calls could be trying to come in. 200 00:07:57,102 --> 00:07:58,812 [Susie] Fucking working on it, Dinah! 201 00:07:58,896 --> 00:08:00,063 Wait. 202 00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:01,690 - Are the kids here? - Yes. 203 00:08:01,773 --> 00:08:03,358 You have to warn me when the kids are here 204 00:08:03,442 --> 00:08:05,027 - so I don't say "fuck." - The kids are here. 205 00:08:05,110 --> 00:08:07,446 - Shit! - I'll have her call you back. 206 00:08:07,529 --> 00:08:08,906 - Do I need to know who that was? - [phone rings] 207 00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:10,991 Nope. Susie Myerson and Associates. 208 00:08:11,074 --> 00:08:12,993 - Pick a card. - I am not picking a card. 209 00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:14,494 Fine. 210 00:08:14,578 --> 00:08:16,496 I'll just look through your wallet instead. 211 00:08:16,580 --> 00:08:18,707 Ah. She's got other boyfriends. 212 00:08:18,790 --> 00:08:20,334 You know that's not magic. 213 00:08:20,417 --> 00:08:22,085 That's five to ten where I come from. 214 00:08:22,169 --> 00:08:24,087 Not if you ask them to pick a card first. 215 00:08:24,171 --> 00:08:25,589 [Dinah] ...care of Dinah Rutledge. 216 00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:27,007 We brought some sfogliatelle today. 217 00:08:27,090 --> 00:08:28,508 - [Nicky] I don't smell coffee. - Bye. 218 00:08:28,592 --> 00:08:30,969 - Dinah, this I take personally. - [phone rings] 219 00:08:31,053 --> 00:08:33,055 - Dinah... - Make the coffee yourself, Nicky. 220 00:08:33,138 --> 00:08:34,848 Susie Myerson and Associates. 221 00:08:34,932 --> 00:08:36,308 - [Nicky] Where are the coffee filters? - Yes, we handle him. 222 00:08:36,391 --> 00:08:37,517 They're talking about me. 223 00:08:37,601 --> 00:08:38,894 You know I'm doing something here. 224 00:08:38,977 --> 00:08:39,937 I will have to check the calendar 225 00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:40,938 and talk to Miss Myerson about that. 226 00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:43,065 Look, I'll call you back. 227 00:08:43,148 --> 00:08:45,275 - [receiver clicks] - [sighs] You know, you should get a second line in here. 228 00:08:45,359 --> 00:08:46,610 [Susie] Fuck you, Frank! 229 00:08:46,693 --> 00:08:48,028 - Wait, the kids are still here? - [phone rings] 230 00:08:48,111 --> 00:08:49,529 - [Frank] Yep. - Goddamn it. 231 00:08:49,613 --> 00:08:51,114 Susie Myerson and Associates. 232 00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:53,450 - [Maggie] Dinah! - Can you hold, please? 233 00:08:55,410 --> 00:08:56,954 What do you got, Maggie? 234 00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:59,373 Someone calling about that weird magic guy. 235 00:08:59,456 --> 00:09:00,999 - Does he do birthday parties? - Hold on. 236 00:09:02,084 --> 00:09:03,126 Hold on. 237 00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:04,294 Does Alfie do birthday parties? 238 00:09:04,378 --> 00:09:05,671 Only if it's Billy Wilder's. 239 00:09:05,754 --> 00:09:08,382 I love when they talk about me like I'm not here. 240 00:09:08,465 --> 00:09:10,133 No, I really do. 241 00:09:10,217 --> 00:09:11,760 You know the minute they get another chair in here, 242 00:09:11,843 --> 00:09:13,345 our relationship is over, right? 243 00:09:13,428 --> 00:09:15,222 [Dinah] They asked, what if they threw in car fare and lunch? 244 00:09:15,305 --> 00:09:17,057 - [Susie] No birthday parties... - I don't know what you're looking at. 245 00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:19,851 - I did not bring these for you. - [Dinah] I'm sorry, that's not gonna work. 246 00:09:19,935 --> 00:09:21,728 - [kids laughing] - That's a big no there, Maggie. 247 00:09:21,812 --> 00:09:23,814 Geez, wouldn't have thought a magician could pick and choose. 248 00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,399 - [chuckles] - No. 249 00:09:25,482 --> 00:09:27,150 [Frank] You got Maggie working for you now, huh? 250 00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:28,735 Well, I tell people if they can't get through here 251 00:09:28,819 --> 00:09:30,696 to call over there. You know Maggie? 252 00:09:30,779 --> 00:09:33,073 I know her boss, Gil. He paints houses for us. 253 00:09:33,156 --> 00:09:34,741 Huh. I thought he was a plumber. 254 00:09:34,825 --> 00:09:37,452 - [phone rings] - Susie Myerson and Associates? 255 00:09:37,536 --> 00:09:39,871 Dinah, it's Midge. I need to talk to Susie for a moment. 256 00:09:39,955 --> 00:09:41,456 Hi, Midge. We don't have any bookings for you. 257 00:09:41,540 --> 00:09:42,833 I'll tell her you called. Bye. 258 00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:44,209 [Midge] Dinah, wait... 259 00:09:44,293 --> 00:09:45,335 Cissy, what's that in your mouth? 260 00:09:45,419 --> 00:09:46,753 - I'm no snitch! - [phone rings] 261 00:09:46,837 --> 00:09:48,714 - [laughter] - Couldn't be prouder. 262 00:09:48,797 --> 00:09:50,757 - Dinah! - Yeah, Maggie? 263 00:09:50,841 --> 00:09:53,635 Florenz Ziegfeld's on the phone! It's very important! 264 00:09:53,719 --> 00:09:55,220 Okay. Send him over. 265 00:09:55,304 --> 00:09:57,139 Susie, Florenz Ziegfeld's on the phone. 266 00:09:57,222 --> 00:09:59,141 - Are you sure? - Yes, I'm sure. - [phone ringing] 267 00:09:59,224 --> 00:10:00,934 - The light's not lit up. - It's on the other line. 268 00:10:01,018 --> 00:10:03,061 - I thought we didn't have another line. - The clothesline. 269 00:10:03,145 --> 00:10:05,230 - What? - Just come get it. I have to pick up the other phone. 270 00:10:05,314 --> 00:10:06,690 What do you mean you have to pick up the other phone? 271 00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:08,108 Aren't you on the other phone? 272 00:10:08,191 --> 00:10:09,735 Susie Myerson and Associates. 273 00:10:09,818 --> 00:10:11,611 Wait, isn't Florenz Ziegfeld dead? 274 00:10:11,695 --> 00:10:12,696 Yep. He died in '32. 275 00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:15,324 Let me check. What was that date again? 276 00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:18,827 [Susie] Great system we got here. 277 00:10:18,910 --> 00:10:20,454 This is Susie Myerson. 278 00:10:20,537 --> 00:10:21,830 Too fucking busy for me? 279 00:10:21,913 --> 00:10:22,998 - Miriam? - Yes. 280 00:10:23,081 --> 00:10:24,291 Oh, so Ziegfeld is dead. 281 00:10:24,374 --> 00:10:25,792 Course he is. I saw the body. 282 00:10:25,876 --> 00:10:27,127 Listen, Joel's father had a heart attack. 283 00:10:27,210 --> 00:10:28,462 I have to get back to the hospital. 284 00:10:28,545 --> 00:10:29,921 Do you think you could send someone 285 00:10:30,005 --> 00:10:31,923 - down to the club to sub for me? - Uh, hold on. 286 00:10:32,007 --> 00:10:34,259 James, you want to fill in for Midge down at the Wolford? 287 00:10:34,343 --> 00:10:36,261 You know, easy money, half-naked chicks? 288 00:10:36,345 --> 00:10:38,388 You promised not to book me toilet gigs. 289 00:10:38,472 --> 00:10:40,098 Tell him I heard that. 290 00:10:40,182 --> 00:10:41,808 Never mind. I'll think of something. 291 00:10:41,892 --> 00:10:44,394 Okay. Sorry about your not at all father-in-law. 292 00:10:44,478 --> 00:10:45,979 - Uh-huh. - Just gonna keep saying it 293 00:10:46,063 --> 00:10:47,230 till it sinks the fuck in. 294 00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:48,440 Kids are still here, aren't they? 295 00:10:48,523 --> 00:10:49,441 - Yep. - Mother... 296 00:10:49,524 --> 00:10:50,734 - Susie. - Yep. 297 00:10:50,817 --> 00:10:52,235 [phone clatters in bucket] 298 00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:53,362 - [woman] Village Voice. - [phone ringing] 299 00:10:53,445 --> 00:10:55,030 - What do we think? - I cover nightlife, man. 300 00:10:55,113 --> 00:10:56,615 If the dude's not holding a sax or a joint, 301 00:10:56,698 --> 00:10:58,325 - I have no opinion. - Find one. 302 00:10:58,408 --> 00:11:00,535 My opinion is, if Nixon wins, we move to France. 303 00:11:00,619 --> 00:11:01,828 I have a rent-controlled apartment, 304 00:11:01,912 --> 00:11:03,163 so I'm gonna stick it out. You? 305 00:11:03,246 --> 00:11:04,539 I think he's handsome in that one, 306 00:11:04,623 --> 00:11:05,832 very handsome in that one. 307 00:11:05,916 --> 00:11:07,793 However, that one, he's just plain adorable. 308 00:11:07,876 --> 00:11:11,296 - Okay. What about Nixon? - I was talking about Nixon. 309 00:11:11,380 --> 00:11:12,923 Move away from me. 310 00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:14,383 I've got a thing for Quakers. 311 00:11:14,466 --> 00:11:16,134 Farther away. Hoboken, please. 312 00:11:16,218 --> 00:11:19,262 Fine. I want you to write an obituary for Moishe Maisel, 313 00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:20,847 owner of Maisel and Roth. 314 00:11:20,931 --> 00:11:23,266 He's an American success story. 315 00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:25,102 Self-made garment manufacturer. 316 00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:27,521 I told you about the 13 Jews. 317 00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:30,899 Why not? You wrote one for Albert Einstein. 318 00:11:30,982 --> 00:11:32,984 Well, Moishe Maisel put a new kind of elastic 319 00:11:33,068 --> 00:11:34,861 in his ultra men's breathable briefs. 320 00:11:34,945 --> 00:11:36,988 So, yes, Einstein transformed 321 00:11:37,072 --> 00:11:38,865 theoretical physics and astronomy, 322 00:11:38,949 --> 00:11:41,576 superseding a 200-year-old theory of mechanics 323 00:11:41,660 --> 00:11:43,620 created primarily by Isaac Newton, 324 00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:47,457 but Moishe Maisel let your testicles breathe. 325 00:11:47,541 --> 00:11:50,460 You're a New Yorker. You know what summer's like. 326 00:11:50,544 --> 00:11:52,838 Excuse me. Why are you here? 327 00:11:52,921 --> 00:11:54,881 Oh, I'm Abe's personal part-time secretary. 328 00:11:54,965 --> 00:11:56,133 I do his typing. You? 329 00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:57,384 I work here. 330 00:11:57,467 --> 00:11:58,969 - Doing what? - Many things. 331 00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:01,763 - Right now, I'm very busy filing. - I see the stack. 332 00:12:01,847 --> 00:12:04,558 - I used to type for Abe, but now he has you. - He does. 333 00:12:04,641 --> 00:12:05,725 - Part-time. - For now. 334 00:12:05,809 --> 00:12:07,352 Full-time. 335 00:12:07,436 --> 00:12:09,896 Fine. I'm canceling my subscription. 336 00:12:09,980 --> 00:12:12,983 I'll read the grease-stained copy at the library. 337 00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:14,860 "What's he known for?" he kept saying. 338 00:12:14,943 --> 00:12:16,361 "What's he known for?" 339 00:12:16,445 --> 00:12:18,321 As if a-a man's life is measured 340 00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:20,157 by how many people have heard of him? 341 00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,576 Mickey Mouse, a known anti-Semite, 342 00:12:22,659 --> 00:12:24,369 can get an obituary in The New York Times, 343 00:12:24,453 --> 00:12:25,912 but Moishe Maisel cannot? 344 00:12:25,996 --> 00:12:28,623 Okay, time-out. I will call Simon Mellman at The Times. 345 00:12:28,707 --> 00:12:31,084 - Isobel, get Simon for me. - [Isobel] Okay. 346 00:12:31,168 --> 00:12:33,086 Simon is a very good friend of mine, 347 00:12:33,170 --> 00:12:37,716 and he owes me several favors, $300 and a fiancée. 348 00:12:37,799 --> 00:12:40,719 [Isobel] Got him. Please hold for Gabe Walensky. 349 00:12:40,802 --> 00:12:43,305 - Simon, Gabe. How are you? - Tell him about the Jews. 350 00:12:43,388 --> 00:12:45,765 - Yeah, listen, I'm calling in a chip here. - Thirteen of them. 351 00:12:45,849 --> 00:12:47,934 I need your team to do an obituary for a friend. 352 00:12:48,018 --> 00:12:50,145 - The Jews, the Jews, the Jews! - Hold on. What? 353 00:12:50,228 --> 00:12:52,439 - Tell him about the Jews. - The history of, or... 354 00:12:52,522 --> 00:12:54,274 Yeah, no, Simon, I'm here. 355 00:12:54,357 --> 00:12:56,234 - The man in question is... - Moishe Maisel. 356 00:12:56,318 --> 00:12:58,153 Moishe Maisel. And he was... 357 00:12:58,236 --> 00:12:59,988 - In the garment business. - In the garment business. 358 00:13:00,071 --> 00:13:01,698 There was no Roth. Moishe made him up. 359 00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:03,658 - That's right. - He never went to Turkey! 360 00:13:03,742 --> 00:13:05,827 - What are you talking about? - He had a Turkish plumber. 361 00:13:05,911 --> 00:13:07,120 Kev, hold him. 362 00:13:07,204 --> 00:13:08,830 Yes, I'm here. 363 00:13:08,914 --> 00:13:10,332 I know, but this is a favor. 364 00:13:10,415 --> 00:13:11,875 Simon, let me remind you 365 00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:13,960 that you stole Diana from me at my own birthday party. 366 00:13:14,044 --> 00:13:16,421 Yes, you did, you traitorous asshole! 367 00:13:16,505 --> 00:13:18,632 And I think the very least you could do for me now 368 00:13:18,715 --> 00:13:20,509 is have one of your obit guys type up 369 00:13:20,592 --> 00:13:22,344 a goddamn obit for this man. 370 00:13:22,427 --> 00:13:24,262 And give me my $300 back! 371 00:13:25,347 --> 00:13:27,682 Well, fuck you! 372 00:13:27,766 --> 00:13:30,268 Listen up, everybody. 373 00:13:30,352 --> 00:13:33,438 Simon Mellman is persona non grata from now on. 374 00:13:33,522 --> 00:13:35,899 Never met him, never heard of him. 375 00:13:35,982 --> 00:13:39,361 He is Nikolai Khokhlov, and we are Russia. 376 00:13:39,444 --> 00:13:41,238 - What? - And these are the covers. 377 00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:43,532 And if you have a problem with that, suck it! 378 00:13:43,615 --> 00:13:44,908 [woman] All right, then. 379 00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:46,868 - Sorry, Abe. I can't help you. - Well, fine. 380 00:13:46,952 --> 00:13:48,620 I guess there's nothing to do but write it myself. 381 00:13:48,703 --> 00:13:49,996 - Dody? - Yes, Abe? 382 00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:51,873 Fresh piece of paper, please. 383 00:13:51,957 --> 00:13:53,416 Where is this being published, Abe? 384 00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:54,834 Here, in The Village Voice. 385 00:13:54,918 --> 00:13:56,461 The Voice doesn't do obits. 386 00:13:56,545 --> 00:13:58,838 Great. Then it's a brief, informative article 387 00:13:58,922 --> 00:14:00,799 about a man who recently died. 388 00:14:00,882 --> 00:14:02,634 Dody, let's get to work. 389 00:14:02,717 --> 00:14:05,720 [♪ Annette Funicello: "Pineapple Princess"] 390 00:14:05,804 --> 00:14:07,764 ♪ Pineapple princess ♪ 391 00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:10,517 ♪ He calls me pineapple princess all day ♪ 392 00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:13,603 ♪ As he plays his ukulele on the hill above the bay... 393 00:14:13,687 --> 00:14:15,438 Cramming for midterms? 394 00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:17,065 These doctors, they come in and babble 395 00:14:17,148 --> 00:14:18,567 a bunch of bullshit, and then they leave 396 00:14:18,650 --> 00:14:20,193 - before you can ask any questions. - Bagel. 397 00:14:20,277 --> 00:14:21,820 And every time, a different one shows up, 398 00:14:21,903 --> 00:14:23,238 and they can't answer the question you have 399 00:14:23,321 --> 00:14:24,948 from the last guy 'cause that's not their field. 400 00:14:25,031 --> 00:14:27,284 - Bite. - And they use terms that you can't understand, 401 00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:28,618 and they talk fast and leave fast, 402 00:14:28,702 --> 00:14:30,287 so I figured I'd borrow a bunch of Mei's books, 403 00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:32,163 - take notes and look it up later. - Coffee. 404 00:14:32,247 --> 00:14:33,582 But I don't know the words they're using, 405 00:14:33,665 --> 00:14:35,125 so I tried writing them down phonetically, 406 00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:37,210 but since the actual word is not spelled the way I wrote it down, 407 00:14:37,294 --> 00:14:39,296 I can't find it, and basically, all I've found out so far 408 00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:40,630 is that my father's heart attack 409 00:14:40,714 --> 00:14:42,424 has something to do with his heart. 410 00:14:44,426 --> 00:14:46,344 Thank you. 411 00:14:46,428 --> 00:14:48,930 So no change at all, huh? 412 00:14:49,014 --> 00:14:51,850 - And the longer he's out... - Nope. Eat your bagel. 413 00:14:53,685 --> 00:14:55,687 Hey. You see this? 414 00:14:55,770 --> 00:14:58,440 - East. - Red. Dragon. 415 00:14:58,523 --> 00:15:01,443 Yeah. They've been at it for a couple of hours. 416 00:15:01,526 --> 00:15:03,445 Mei's trying to distract Ma a little. 417 00:15:03,528 --> 00:15:05,947 She got nuts and tried to make soup in the hospital kitchen. 418 00:15:06,031 --> 00:15:07,824 They called the cops, so... 419 00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:09,492 - I need money. - What? 420 00:15:09,576 --> 00:15:11,328 - Your mother wiped me out. - You're kidding. 421 00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:12,537 Do I look like I'm kidding? 422 00:15:12,621 --> 00:15:13,830 You didn't need to let her win. 423 00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:15,915 I didn't. That woman's a shark. 424 00:15:15,999 --> 00:15:17,876 I am a great mah-jongg player. 425 00:15:17,959 --> 00:15:20,211 I come from generations of great mah-jongg players. 426 00:15:20,295 --> 00:15:22,422 My family runs a mah-jongg parlor, for God's sake. 427 00:15:22,505 --> 00:15:24,633 And she is wiping the floor with me. 428 00:15:24,716 --> 00:15:26,259 Hi. 429 00:15:26,343 --> 00:15:27,844 Bagel? 430 00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:29,262 - Here. - That's it? 431 00:15:29,346 --> 00:15:31,014 - Oh, no. I need more. - I don't have more. 432 00:15:31,097 --> 00:15:32,807 Joel, she has a $20 buy-in. 433 00:15:32,891 --> 00:15:35,518 Hold on. I'll see if I have more in my jacket. 434 00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:37,145 [chiming over P.A.] 435 00:15:37,228 --> 00:15:39,773 [woman on P.A.] Dr. McGuire, please report to the ER. 436 00:15:39,856 --> 00:15:41,775 Dr. McGuire, to the ER. 437 00:15:41,858 --> 00:15:43,610 Bagel? 438 00:15:43,693 --> 00:15:45,070 Thanks. 439 00:15:46,404 --> 00:15:48,740 It's nice, you keeping Shirley busy like this. 440 00:15:48,823 --> 00:15:50,533 Did Joel tell you they called the cops? 441 00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:52,035 He did. 442 00:15:53,203 --> 00:15:55,664 He also told me... 443 00:15:55,747 --> 00:15:57,207 Please don't be mad, but Joel... 444 00:15:57,290 --> 00:16:01,002 I know about... the situation. 445 00:16:02,712 --> 00:16:04,297 Oh. 446 00:16:04,381 --> 00:16:06,132 I thought maybe we could have a talk. 447 00:16:06,216 --> 00:16:08,218 Oh, it's a little late for that, don't you think? 448 00:16:08,301 --> 00:16:09,636 Different talk. 449 00:16:09,719 --> 00:16:11,346 We should figure out how it's gonna work. 450 00:16:11,429 --> 00:16:12,514 How what's gonna work? 451 00:16:12,597 --> 00:16:15,809 You know, with you and me and Joel and the kids. 452 00:16:15,892 --> 00:16:17,936 I mean, you'll be, you know... 453 00:16:18,019 --> 00:16:19,479 They'll be, you know... 454 00:16:19,562 --> 00:16:21,231 - Clearly, I don't know. - Mei, come on. 455 00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:23,733 Obviously, they live with me, but they'll be with you a lot, 456 00:16:23,817 --> 00:16:26,486 and now they'll have a sibling, and I just think we need 457 00:16:26,569 --> 00:16:28,697 - to discuss some ground rules. - Like? 458 00:16:28,780 --> 00:16:30,949 Like I don't want them calling you Mom. 459 00:16:31,032 --> 00:16:32,659 - Me, either. - But they'll need to call you something. 460 00:16:32,742 --> 00:16:34,202 - Why? - Why? 461 00:16:34,285 --> 00:16:35,954 Well, what if they lock themselves in your bathroom 462 00:16:36,037 --> 00:16:37,455 and they need to call out for help? 463 00:16:37,539 --> 00:16:39,874 - Why are they in my bathroom? - Because it's bath time. 464 00:16:39,958 --> 00:16:41,543 They're bathing in my bathroom? 465 00:16:41,626 --> 00:16:43,294 - Mei, come on. - They're your kids. You bathe 'em. 466 00:16:43,378 --> 00:16:44,921 - But they're staying with you. - Why? 467 00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:46,756 - Because it's your weekend. - To do what? 468 00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:49,634 To take them because you are married to their father. 469 00:16:52,262 --> 00:16:54,723 - Aren't you? - [chiming over P.A.] 470 00:16:54,806 --> 00:16:57,016 [woman over P.A.] Phone call for Midge Maisel. 471 00:16:57,100 --> 00:16:59,018 Phone call for Midge Maisel. 472 00:16:59,102 --> 00:17:01,229 - Please come to the nurses' station. - Excuse me. 473 00:17:07,652 --> 00:17:09,696 - Hello? - You have to come back. 474 00:17:09,779 --> 00:17:11,698 - I told you my father-in-law is... - Yes, I know. 475 00:17:11,781 --> 00:17:14,701 So sad. But see, you made me change everything. 476 00:17:14,784 --> 00:17:16,619 - Boise. - I can see myself in the toilet bowls. 477 00:17:16,703 --> 00:17:18,538 They're so clean. It's gorgeous. 478 00:17:18,621 --> 00:17:20,373 - Well, that's great. - I bought the fruit 479 00:17:20,457 --> 00:17:23,001 and the umbrellas and the tampon sticks. 480 00:17:23,084 --> 00:17:24,753 - The good ones? - Yes, the good ones, Midge. 481 00:17:24,836 --> 00:17:26,004 The best ones. 482 00:17:26,087 --> 00:17:27,964 You demanded these changes, and I did them, 483 00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:30,008 and then all these women came to see you. 484 00:17:30,091 --> 00:17:31,259 And now you are not here, 485 00:17:31,342 --> 00:17:32,510 and they are very angry. 486 00:17:32,594 --> 00:17:34,471 - I'm sorry. - I invented a drink. 487 00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:36,514 - Oh, yeah? - It is pink and fizzy 488 00:17:36,598 --> 00:17:37,766 and you set it on fire. 489 00:17:37,849 --> 00:17:38,933 It's stunning. 490 00:17:39,017 --> 00:17:40,435 I've named it "I Once Was a Man." 491 00:17:40,518 --> 00:17:42,604 I see we've developed a flair for the dramatic. 492 00:17:42,687 --> 00:17:43,688 Please come back. 493 00:17:43,772 --> 00:17:45,398 Boise, I gave Bunny, Mitzi and Gloria 494 00:17:45,482 --> 00:17:46,649 some really good jokes to do. 495 00:17:46,733 --> 00:17:47,859 How did that go? 496 00:17:47,942 --> 00:17:50,320 We got a new sign to go on the door here. 497 00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:52,614 On one side, it says, "We're open. 498 00:17:52,697 --> 00:17:54,449 Please come inside." 499 00:17:54,532 --> 00:17:57,494 And on the other side, it says, "Sorry we're closed." 500 00:17:57,577 --> 00:17:58,787 I don't get it. 501 00:17:58,870 --> 00:18:00,330 I don't think that's what it says. 502 00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:02,415 What it fucking says. I'm looking at it right here. 503 00:18:02,499 --> 00:18:04,584 - "Sorry we're..." - "Clothed." 504 00:18:04,667 --> 00:18:06,878 - [man laughing] - It says, "Sorry we're clothed." 505 00:18:06,961 --> 00:18:08,421 Like we have our clothes on. 506 00:18:08,505 --> 00:18:10,548 - [scattered laughter] - Okay. 507 00:18:10,632 --> 00:18:14,177 And on the other side, it says, "Sorry we're clothed." 508 00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:16,888 - I still don't get it. - [drummer plays rim shot] - [giggles] 509 00:18:16,971 --> 00:18:18,348 So, thanks for that bit of casting. 510 00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:20,308 Look, Boise, I promise I will get there 511 00:18:20,391 --> 00:18:21,726 as soon as I possibly can. 512 00:18:21,810 --> 00:18:23,311 Now, I have to go. 513 00:18:26,189 --> 00:18:28,024 [sighs] 514 00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:31,152 [quiet chatter] 515 00:18:33,321 --> 00:18:35,240 [jazzy intro plays] 516 00:18:35,323 --> 00:18:37,325 [♪ "Femininity"] 517 00:18:38,952 --> 00:18:40,954 ♪ ♪ 518 00:18:47,293 --> 00:18:49,712 - ♪ Femininity ♪ - [audience cheering] 519 00:18:49,796 --> 00:18:52,423 ♪ Femininity ♪ 520 00:18:52,507 --> 00:18:55,718 ♪ Just seems to bring a crowd to my vicinity ♪ 521 00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:57,512 [audience whistling, whooping] 522 00:18:57,595 --> 00:19:01,850 ♪ Other girls have the same these, them and those ♪ 523 00:19:01,933 --> 00:19:05,979 ♪ But they always manage to stay in their clothes ♪ 524 00:19:06,062 --> 00:19:11,109 ♪ Personality, my personality ♪ 525 00:19:11,192 --> 00:19:14,696 ♪ Just makes them all expect my hospitality ♪ 526 00:19:14,779 --> 00:19:16,364 [audience whistling, whooping] 527 00:19:16,447 --> 00:19:20,618 ♪ When a man brings me home, I ask him in ♪ 528 00:19:20,702 --> 00:19:25,373 ♪ I only intend to have one little gin ♪ 529 00:19:25,456 --> 00:19:30,628 ♪ Why do I always end up on the tiger skin? ♪ 530 00:19:30,712 --> 00:19:35,133 ♪ There are times I can't help feeling ♪ 531 00:19:35,216 --> 00:19:39,929 ♪ As I'm staring at the ceiling ♪ 532 00:19:40,013 --> 00:19:42,640 ♪ What's the point of ♪ 533 00:19:42,724 --> 00:19:48,479 ♪ Femininity? ♪♪ 534 00:19:48,563 --> 00:19:50,523 [song ends] 535 00:19:50,607 --> 00:19:52,191 [audience cheering] 536 00:19:52,275 --> 00:19:54,277 [indistinct chatter] 537 00:19:56,154 --> 00:19:57,739 Oh, my God. You came back. 538 00:19:57,822 --> 00:19:58,907 You did come back, right? 539 00:19:58,990 --> 00:20:00,366 - One set, Boise. - That's fine. 540 00:20:00,450 --> 00:20:01,951 One set, then I go back to the hospital. 541 00:20:02,035 --> 00:20:03,494 Yes, great. Thank you. Hey. 542 00:20:03,578 --> 00:20:05,038 What do you think? 543 00:20:05,121 --> 00:20:06,122 Too many peonies, right? 544 00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:07,206 They're overwhelming the bluebells? 545 00:20:07,290 --> 00:20:08,416 Take a break, Boise. 546 00:20:08,499 --> 00:20:09,959 Go punch something. 547 00:20:11,461 --> 00:20:14,297 [Bunny] Goddamn Boise. Mitzi, never mind. She's back. 548 00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:16,424 [Mitzi] Oh, good. Ask her which part is the setup 549 00:20:16,507 --> 00:20:17,967 and which part is the joke again. 550 00:20:18,051 --> 00:20:20,178 Just so you know, everything went fine without you. 551 00:20:20,261 --> 00:20:21,721 Glad to hear it. 552 00:20:23,139 --> 00:20:24,682 What are you supposed to be? 553 00:20:24,766 --> 00:20:25,892 You. 554 00:20:25,975 --> 00:20:27,727 Like looking in a mirror, huh? 555 00:20:27,810 --> 00:20:30,021 [applause] 556 00:20:30,104 --> 00:20:32,106 [cheering, whistling] 557 00:20:36,486 --> 00:20:37,737 Thank you. 558 00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:39,614 Wow. 559 00:20:39,697 --> 00:20:41,950 Such a great crowd. 560 00:20:42,033 --> 00:20:44,994 It's very nice to be here, really. 561 00:20:45,078 --> 00:20:47,038 You have no idea. 562 00:20:48,081 --> 00:20:50,667 So I have a little family drama going on. 563 00:20:50,750 --> 00:20:54,253 My ex-father-in-law just had a heart attack. 564 00:20:54,337 --> 00:20:57,382 He's unconscious, and they have no idea 565 00:20:57,465 --> 00:20:59,592 - if he's gonna make it or not. - [man] Woo-hoo! [clapping] 566 00:20:59,676 --> 00:21:02,136 - Thank you. - [sparse laughter] 567 00:21:02,220 --> 00:21:05,181 We have a fan of uncertain death in the back there. 568 00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:06,599 - [laughter] - That's nice. 569 00:21:06,683 --> 00:21:07,850 Good for you, sir. 570 00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:10,061 Enjoy your chess game with the reaper. 571 00:21:10,144 --> 00:21:11,896 [laughter] 572 00:21:11,980 --> 00:21:14,023 So, anyhow, for the last couple of days, 573 00:21:14,107 --> 00:21:16,109 I have been reduced to playing the coffee lounge 574 00:21:16,192 --> 00:21:18,069 - at Beth Israel Hospital. - [laughter] 575 00:21:18,152 --> 00:21:20,613 I'm going back there as soon as I'm done here, 576 00:21:20,697 --> 00:21:23,282 and I'll spend the night watching all the men in my life 577 00:21:23,366 --> 00:21:24,951 completely fall apart. 578 00:21:25,034 --> 00:21:26,619 - While eating Jell-O. - [laughter] 579 00:21:26,703 --> 00:21:28,871 It's really startling, actually. 580 00:21:28,955 --> 00:21:31,249 Because we're always told, "You're daddy's little girl." 581 00:21:31,332 --> 00:21:32,667 "Daddy will protect you." 582 00:21:32,750 --> 00:21:34,210 "Wait till your father gets home." 583 00:21:34,293 --> 00:21:35,795 And then your father walks into a hospital, 584 00:21:35,878 --> 00:21:37,213 and he turns into a ten-year-old girl 585 00:21:37,296 --> 00:21:38,965 who just had a frog put down her dress. 586 00:21:39,048 --> 00:21:41,259 - [laughter] - Now, my father-- 587 00:21:41,342 --> 00:21:44,762 intellectual, emotions kept in a little bottle in storage-- 588 00:21:44,846 --> 00:21:46,889 he hates hospitals. 589 00:21:46,973 --> 00:21:50,184 He hates the smell of hospitals, the look of hospitals. 590 00:21:50,268 --> 00:21:52,270 [chuckles] When I had my daughter, I had to hold her 591 00:21:52,353 --> 00:21:54,313 out the window as he walked to work in the morning 592 00:21:54,397 --> 00:21:56,315 - just so he could see her. - [laughter] 593 00:21:56,399 --> 00:21:58,317 And then there's my husband. 594 00:21:58,401 --> 00:22:02,613 Ex-husband, actually, but we're still... something. 595 00:22:02,697 --> 00:22:05,241 Now, in all fairness, I have seen him emotional. 596 00:22:05,324 --> 00:22:07,201 When the Brooklyn Dodgers moved to... 597 00:22:07,285 --> 00:22:08,578 [whispers] California... 598 00:22:08,661 --> 00:22:10,538 [regular volume] he was inconsolable. 599 00:22:10,621 --> 00:22:12,665 He sat in the dark, eating chocolate, 600 00:22:12,749 --> 00:22:14,917 writing love letters to Sandy Koufax. 601 00:22:15,001 --> 00:22:17,670 - [laughter] - He'd try to put on a brave face, 602 00:22:17,754 --> 00:22:20,048 and we'd walk past a hot dog cart, and he'd fall to pieces, 603 00:22:20,131 --> 00:22:22,216 cradling the mustard container in his arms, 604 00:22:22,300 --> 00:22:25,720 repeating the 1955 World Series lineup over and over again. 605 00:22:25,803 --> 00:22:28,514 [laughter, applause] 606 00:22:28,598 --> 00:22:31,809 And then, of course, there is my father-in-law. 607 00:22:31,893 --> 00:22:35,146 Tough, proud. 608 00:22:35,229 --> 00:22:38,357 And now my mother-in-law is trimming his beard, so if... 609 00:22:40,860 --> 00:22:45,698 ...when he wakes up, he's ready to go to work. 610 00:22:48,910 --> 00:22:51,454 It's hard seeing the men in your life scared. 611 00:22:52,789 --> 00:22:54,499 And with the men out of commission, 612 00:22:54,582 --> 00:22:56,709 the women are left to keep things going. 613 00:22:56,793 --> 00:22:58,753 Now, this is not totally unusual, right? 614 00:22:58,836 --> 00:23:00,713 I mean, women could be bleeding from the head, 615 00:23:00,797 --> 00:23:01,923 and they'd host a dinner party 616 00:23:02,006 --> 00:23:03,549 if the invitations were already sent out. 617 00:23:03,633 --> 00:23:06,511 - [laughter] - But we never think about it like that. 618 00:23:06,594 --> 00:23:10,056 We just assume we're supporting the real leaders. 619 00:23:11,182 --> 00:23:13,768 You look around this hospital, you see the doctors. 620 00:23:13,851 --> 00:23:17,271 All men, swaggering in and out of the rooms really fast. 621 00:23:17,355 --> 00:23:19,649 "I'm important. I have a pen in my pocket. 622 00:23:19,732 --> 00:23:21,109 I look at a chart. Hmm, good chart. 623 00:23:21,192 --> 00:23:22,443 I sign the chart. 624 00:23:22,527 --> 00:23:24,028 I am God, and God can't hang around. 625 00:23:24,112 --> 00:23:25,947 God has to be in the gallbladder wing in five." 626 00:23:26,030 --> 00:23:28,199 [laughter] 627 00:23:28,282 --> 00:23:29,909 But spend a few days in the hospital, 628 00:23:29,992 --> 00:23:32,829 and you start to notice the nurses. 629 00:23:34,580 --> 00:23:36,791 The nurses never rush out of your room. 630 00:23:37,959 --> 00:23:42,088 They just clean out the bedpans, draw the blood, 631 00:23:42,171 --> 00:23:44,298 insert the suppositories. 632 00:23:45,508 --> 00:23:47,760 They don't get to sign a chart. They don't even get a pen. 633 00:23:47,844 --> 00:23:49,971 But they hold you while you cry. 634 00:23:53,224 --> 00:23:54,684 So, what does this mean? 635 00:23:56,018 --> 00:23:58,771 Are women more important than God? 636 00:23:58,855 --> 00:24:00,064 Hmm. 637 00:24:01,232 --> 00:24:02,817 What if we discover one day 638 00:24:02,900 --> 00:24:05,111 that we were always the ones in charge? 639 00:24:06,279 --> 00:24:08,614 Just, no one told us. 640 00:24:11,826 --> 00:24:13,786 I don't know. I don't know what I'm saying. 641 00:24:13,870 --> 00:24:16,205 I just... 642 00:24:16,289 --> 00:24:18,624 don't want this man to die. 643 00:24:25,798 --> 00:24:27,884 Now, let's see some tits and ass! 644 00:24:27,967 --> 00:24:30,803 [audience cheering, whistling] 645 00:24:31,846 --> 00:24:33,848 [jazzy music plays] 646 00:24:36,017 --> 00:24:37,935 Midge, you got a stage-door Johnny waiting. 647 00:24:38,019 --> 00:24:39,896 What? Where? 648 00:24:41,981 --> 00:24:43,608 Well, this is a surprise. 649 00:24:43,691 --> 00:24:45,776 I was in the neighborhood, thought I'd stop in. 650 00:24:45,860 --> 00:24:47,695 I heard about the coffee here. 651 00:24:47,778 --> 00:24:50,031 [sighs] Well, nice to see you. 652 00:24:50,114 --> 00:24:51,324 - Wait, just... - Hey, Lenny. 653 00:24:51,407 --> 00:24:53,409 - Hello. - Hiya, Lenny. 654 00:24:53,492 --> 00:24:55,244 Nice tie, Leonard. 655 00:24:55,328 --> 00:24:56,913 I know them from Hebrew school. 656 00:24:56,996 --> 00:24:58,331 I really do have to get going. 657 00:24:58,414 --> 00:25:00,833 I saw your show. It's great stuff. 658 00:25:00,917 --> 00:25:02,835 You made three construction workers cry. 659 00:25:02,919 --> 00:25:04,086 Thank you. 660 00:25:04,170 --> 00:25:05,880 - You're still mad at me. - No, I'm not. 661 00:25:05,963 --> 00:25:07,548 I was a complete ass. 662 00:25:07,632 --> 00:25:08,883 I'm very sorry. 663 00:25:08,966 --> 00:25:10,468 I have forgotten all about it. 664 00:25:10,551 --> 00:25:12,678 - You still sound mad. - Lenny, please. 665 00:25:12,762 --> 00:25:14,096 Midge, you have to forgive me. 666 00:25:14,180 --> 00:25:15,890 There's a performance of Haydn's "Trumpet Concerto" 667 00:25:15,973 --> 00:25:17,308 with original period instruments 668 00:25:17,391 --> 00:25:18,935 that my buddies are dying to go to, 669 00:25:19,018 --> 00:25:21,020 but I forced them to come here just so I could grovel. 670 00:25:21,103 --> 00:25:22,563 They may never speak to me again. 671 00:25:22,647 --> 00:25:24,565 I saw that concert. They're not missing much. 672 00:25:24,649 --> 00:25:27,235 Please. 673 00:25:31,739 --> 00:25:34,784 So, Carnegie Hall. 674 00:25:34,867 --> 00:25:36,369 Yes. 675 00:25:36,452 --> 00:25:37,703 Someday soon. 676 00:25:37,787 --> 00:25:39,956 I'd find out exactly which day, if I were you. 677 00:25:40,039 --> 00:25:41,290 Good advice. 678 00:25:41,374 --> 00:25:42,959 Lenny, bar. 679 00:25:43,042 --> 00:25:45,503 [indistinct chatter] 680 00:25:45,586 --> 00:25:47,713 It's very exciting. 681 00:25:47,797 --> 00:25:50,299 These are very classy people, these Carnegie people. 682 00:25:50,383 --> 00:25:52,551 They put me up in a swanky hotel room. 683 00:25:52,635 --> 00:25:54,845 They even offered to paint the room my favorite color. 684 00:25:54,929 --> 00:25:56,806 - What's your favorite color? - I said blue. 685 00:25:56,889 --> 00:25:58,224 - Is it blue? - Who knows? 686 00:25:58,307 --> 00:25:59,517 Well, you. 687 00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:02,103 Okay, you're ignoring the lede here. 688 00:26:02,186 --> 00:26:05,189 The people from Carnegie Hall painted a hotel room-- 689 00:26:05,273 --> 00:26:08,401 a room I'm going to be in for a total of four days, tops-- blue. 690 00:26:08,484 --> 00:26:10,278 For me. Me. 691 00:26:10,361 --> 00:26:12,280 The greatest threat to American decency 692 00:26:12,363 --> 00:26:14,115 since Mantovani records. 693 00:26:14,198 --> 00:26:16,659 I am suddenly important enough for redecorating. 694 00:26:16,742 --> 00:26:18,119 Please be impressed. 695 00:26:18,202 --> 00:26:20,162 - I am impressed. - Good. 696 00:26:20,246 --> 00:26:21,998 Which brings me to my next reason for being here. 697 00:26:22,081 --> 00:26:25,167 - Hmm? - I got a call from Tony Bennett's people. 698 00:26:25,251 --> 00:26:27,044 He's doing five sold-out nights at the Copa, 699 00:26:27,128 --> 00:26:28,713 and they wanted me to open for him, 700 00:26:28,796 --> 00:26:30,339 which is a dream gig because, 701 00:26:30,423 --> 00:26:33,009 in addition to him being one of the nicest men in the world, 702 00:26:33,092 --> 00:26:36,095 his craft service table is not to be believed. 703 00:26:36,178 --> 00:26:38,681 Now, obviously, I can't do it since I'm playing Carnegie Hall. 704 00:26:38,764 --> 00:26:40,349 I hear they painted your hotel room blue. 705 00:26:40,433 --> 00:26:41,600 So I talked you up. 706 00:26:41,684 --> 00:26:44,061 Told them you do swell heart attack humor, 707 00:26:44,145 --> 00:26:45,521 - and they are very, very... - [clattering] 708 00:26:45,604 --> 00:26:47,481 - What's that? - [woman screams in distance] 709 00:26:47,565 --> 00:26:50,192 - [indistinct shouting] - Hey. What's going on? 710 00:26:51,402 --> 00:26:52,862 [Lenny] Uh-oh. 711 00:26:52,945 --> 00:26:54,488 [Midge] What "uh-oh"? What's "uh-oh"? 712 00:26:54,572 --> 00:26:56,073 [Lenny] I believe... 713 00:26:56,157 --> 00:26:57,616 [clamoring] 714 00:26:57,700 --> 00:27:00,161 - Get up! - You ain't going nowhere. 715 00:27:00,244 --> 00:27:02,079 Come on, you're coming with me. 716 00:27:02,163 --> 00:27:04,623 [clamoring continues] 717 00:27:04,707 --> 00:27:06,917 - Yep. You're being raided. - I am? 718 00:27:07,001 --> 00:27:09,045 - We got to move. - [Boise] Cops! - Oh, my God. 719 00:27:09,128 --> 00:27:10,796 - Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - Everyone, out! 720 00:27:10,880 --> 00:27:12,757 Dallas, Sunshine, Bubbles, go! 721 00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:13,966 [screaming, clamoring] 722 00:27:14,050 --> 00:27:15,384 I got the books! 723 00:27:15,468 --> 00:27:17,636 - Both sets? - Yep! 724 00:27:17,720 --> 00:27:19,555 [Midge] Wait, wait. 725 00:27:19,638 --> 00:27:21,432 Oh! 726 00:27:21,515 --> 00:27:23,893 - [screaming] - Let's get out of here. 727 00:27:23,976 --> 00:27:26,020 [Boise] Bunny, Mitzi, you got to move! 728 00:27:26,103 --> 00:27:28,105 You know, I'm getting a little tired of everyone 729 00:27:28,189 --> 00:27:31,525 telling me what to do, where to go, what a joke is. 730 00:27:31,609 --> 00:27:33,569 [Mitzi] Oh, crap! I lost an earring. 731 00:27:33,652 --> 00:27:34,737 We're being raided! 732 00:27:34,820 --> 00:27:36,572 What am I gonna do with one earring?! 733 00:27:36,655 --> 00:27:38,115 Two ears! I got two ears! 734 00:27:38,199 --> 00:27:40,785 - Stay down! Come on, come on. - [Mitzi groans] 735 00:27:40,868 --> 00:27:42,995 - [frantic chatter] - [woman] Forget the feathers! Just grab the pearls! 736 00:27:43,079 --> 00:27:44,830 - [Lenny] Midge! - I can't find my things. 737 00:27:44,914 --> 00:27:46,749 Buy more things. Let's go. 738 00:27:46,832 --> 00:27:48,834 [frantic chatter continues] 739 00:27:51,712 --> 00:27:53,714 - Come with us. - Nope. 740 00:27:53,798 --> 00:27:55,883 I'm fiddling on the Titanic tonight. Go. 741 00:27:55,966 --> 00:27:59,095 [woman] Hurry, hurry. Damn. Go, go, go, go, go! Hurry! 742 00:27:59,178 --> 00:28:01,055 - [shuddering] - [muttering] - [sirens wailing in distance] 743 00:28:01,138 --> 00:28:03,599 [Midge] My shoes, my feet. It's cold. 744 00:28:03,682 --> 00:28:05,851 [Lenny] You'd be terrible to go on the lam with, by the way. 745 00:28:05,935 --> 00:28:07,770 - Can't you carry me? - Carry you? 746 00:28:07,853 --> 00:28:09,397 Yeah, you know, throw me over your shoulder. 747 00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:11,273 Who am I, Santa Claus? You're a young, strong woman. 748 00:28:11,357 --> 00:28:12,441 Here. 749 00:28:12,525 --> 00:28:13,984 - What do I do with this? - [siren wailing] 750 00:28:14,068 --> 00:28:16,112 Fill me in on what's going on with Castro and the rebels. 751 00:28:16,195 --> 00:28:17,905 - Put it on your head. - Where are you going? 752 00:28:17,988 --> 00:28:19,240 I have to get you to shelter. 753 00:28:19,323 --> 00:28:20,616 Aren't you gonna pay for the papers? 754 00:28:20,699 --> 00:28:22,159 - It's a snowstorm. - So what? 755 00:28:22,243 --> 00:28:23,953 - The man has to make a living. - How do you know? 756 00:28:24,036 --> 00:28:25,037 The newsstand could be a hobby. 757 00:28:25,121 --> 00:28:26,705 If I had my purse, I'd pay. 758 00:28:26,789 --> 00:28:29,208 - If I had your purse, I'd pay. - Wh-What if there's a hell? 759 00:28:29,291 --> 00:28:31,502 - Oh, I don't believe this. - What if the rabbis are wrong 760 00:28:31,585 --> 00:28:34,171 and there is a hell and this is the moment our fate is decided? 761 00:28:34,255 --> 00:28:36,590 Believe me, honey, if there's a hell, I'm the headliner. 762 00:28:36,674 --> 00:28:38,300 Where are we going? 763 00:28:38,384 --> 00:28:40,302 [wind howling] 764 00:28:40,386 --> 00:28:42,388 ♪ ♪ 765 00:28:45,641 --> 00:28:48,477 [elegant piano music playing] 766 00:28:48,561 --> 00:28:50,521 [both breathing heavily] 767 00:28:50,604 --> 00:28:52,106 How you doing? You okay? 768 00:28:52,189 --> 00:28:53,732 Ten minutes in the elements. 769 00:28:53,816 --> 00:28:55,985 Do you need me to call a hairdresser or a priest? 770 00:28:56,068 --> 00:28:57,361 I'm fine. 771 00:28:57,445 --> 00:28:59,655 - This place is nice. - Carnegie Hall. 772 00:28:59,738 --> 00:29:01,574 Ooh, they're having a hat sale at B. Altman's. 773 00:29:01,657 --> 00:29:03,200 If only I still had my employee discount, 774 00:29:03,284 --> 00:29:04,577 I'd get a discount on a discount. 775 00:29:04,660 --> 00:29:06,787 - Give me that. - [groaning] 776 00:29:06,871 --> 00:29:08,747 Good evening, Mr. Bruce. Rough weather out there. 777 00:29:08,831 --> 00:29:10,040 It is indeed. 778 00:29:10,124 --> 00:29:11,709 You hear that? "Mr. Bruce." 779 00:29:11,792 --> 00:29:14,128 You play Carnegie Hall, you get "Mr. Bruce." 780 00:29:14,211 --> 00:29:15,921 - Good evening, Mr. Bruce. - [taps button] 781 00:29:16,005 --> 00:29:17,840 [bell dings] 782 00:29:20,301 --> 00:29:23,095 - [inhales sharply] Whew. - After you. 783 00:29:23,179 --> 00:29:26,182 - Ah. - Well, what do you think? 784 00:29:26,265 --> 00:29:28,225 Very nice, Mr. Bruce. 785 00:29:28,309 --> 00:29:30,144 Carnegie Hall. 786 00:29:30,227 --> 00:29:33,314 So, drink? Food? Something absorbent? 787 00:29:33,397 --> 00:29:35,399 - Towel, please. - [snaps fingers] 788 00:29:35,483 --> 00:29:37,526 Oh, I'm so sorry, girls. 789 00:29:37,610 --> 00:29:40,154 Wasn't supposed to end like this. 790 00:29:40,237 --> 00:29:41,489 Are you talking to your shoes? 791 00:29:41,572 --> 00:29:43,157 No. Shh. 792 00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:45,409 - [shoes drop to floor] - That's okay. 793 00:29:45,493 --> 00:29:47,786 I'm gonna have a very serious talk later with my dickie. 794 00:29:47,870 --> 00:29:51,123 - Dickie? Like... - Yes. 795 00:29:51,207 --> 00:29:52,625 - Not... - No. 796 00:29:52,708 --> 00:29:54,376 - Nice. - It was the funniest garment 797 00:29:54,460 --> 00:29:56,462 I could come up with in the moment. 798 00:30:04,595 --> 00:30:06,138 Keeping a safe distance? 799 00:30:06,222 --> 00:30:08,557 Respectful distance, I'd like to say. 800 00:30:08,641 --> 00:30:10,809 Are you afraid of me 'cause I talk to my shoes? 801 00:30:10,893 --> 00:30:12,895 Some men find that wildly attractive. 802 00:30:12,978 --> 00:30:14,522 I think there are many things about you 803 00:30:14,605 --> 00:30:17,399 men would find wildly attractive. 804 00:30:24,073 --> 00:30:25,866 You know you can sit on the entire chair. 805 00:30:25,950 --> 00:30:27,493 I'm fine. 806 00:30:28,619 --> 00:30:30,162 You look like one of the Wallendas, 807 00:30:30,246 --> 00:30:31,747 balancing there like that. 808 00:30:31,830 --> 00:30:33,832 It... 809 00:30:33,916 --> 00:30:36,377 I'm wearing... I'm good. 810 00:30:36,460 --> 00:30:37,795 Your what? 811 00:30:37,878 --> 00:30:39,588 What are you wearing? 812 00:30:40,631 --> 00:30:42,299 My show corset. 813 00:30:42,383 --> 00:30:44,009 [laughs] 814 00:30:44,093 --> 00:30:46,637 - You have a show corset? - Yes. 815 00:30:46,720 --> 00:30:50,432 How is this different from, say, your dentist corset? 816 00:30:50,516 --> 00:30:52,768 It's much more likely to suffocate me. 817 00:30:52,851 --> 00:30:54,311 - It's also prettier. - Yep. 818 00:30:54,395 --> 00:30:57,314 It's always the pretty ones who try to kill you. 819 00:31:07,074 --> 00:31:08,784 Oh, boy. 820 00:31:08,867 --> 00:31:12,538 - What? I did not plan this. - Getting me back here? 821 00:31:12,621 --> 00:31:14,999 Innocent. Get Roy Cohn on the phone right now. 822 00:31:15,082 --> 00:31:17,376 You mean you didn't alter the atmosphere, 823 00:31:17,459 --> 00:31:19,086 causing it to snow, and then organize a raid 824 00:31:19,169 --> 00:31:20,754 at the exact moment I came offstage? 825 00:31:20,838 --> 00:31:22,089 What, I'm not important enough 826 00:31:22,172 --> 00:31:24,174 to go through all that trouble for? 827 00:31:25,467 --> 00:31:29,722 You are more important than God. 828 00:31:30,764 --> 00:31:32,182 You paid attention. 829 00:31:34,685 --> 00:31:36,478 To you? 830 00:31:36,562 --> 00:31:38,063 Always. 831 00:31:45,195 --> 00:31:47,031 Midge? 832 00:31:47,114 --> 00:31:48,365 Yeah? 833 00:31:49,366 --> 00:31:52,077 I got to see the show corset. 834 00:31:52,161 --> 00:31:53,912 - Lenny. - I'm sorry. 835 00:31:53,996 --> 00:31:55,664 I'm an observer of the human condition. 836 00:31:55,748 --> 00:31:57,583 It's the way God made me. 837 00:32:11,305 --> 00:32:12,598 Okay. 838 00:32:12,681 --> 00:32:13,807 If we do this... 839 00:32:13,891 --> 00:32:15,100 Oops. 840 00:32:15,184 --> 00:32:17,102 If we take our clothes off 841 00:32:17,186 --> 00:32:21,649 and we do some very blue things in this very blue room... 842 00:32:21,732 --> 00:32:24,109 Wow, do I not know which way this is going. 843 00:32:24,193 --> 00:32:26,779 I need you to look me in the eye first and promise 844 00:32:26,862 --> 00:32:30,366 that you will never, ever forget 845 00:32:30,449 --> 00:32:34,453 that I am very, very funny. 846 00:32:36,163 --> 00:32:37,706 First and foremost. 847 00:32:37,790 --> 00:32:39,750 I'm serious, Lenny. 848 00:32:55,474 --> 00:32:59,061 I will be laughing through the entire thing. 849 00:32:59,144 --> 00:33:01,063 I promise. 850 00:33:02,106 --> 00:33:05,818 [♪ Blossom Dearie: "Someone to Watch Over Me"] 851 00:33:05,901 --> 00:33:09,196 ♪ There's a saying old, says that love is blind ♪ 852 00:33:10,989 --> 00:33:15,077 ♪ Still we're often told, "Seek and ye shall find" ♪ 853 00:33:17,079 --> 00:33:19,498 ♪ So I'm going to seek a certain lad ♪ 854 00:33:19,581 --> 00:33:23,252 ♪ I've had in mind ♪ 855 00:33:25,921 --> 00:33:27,673 Yep. 856 00:33:29,007 --> 00:33:30,843 Just like mine. 857 00:33:30,926 --> 00:33:34,096 ♪ I'd like to add his initial ♪ 858 00:33:34,179 --> 00:33:36,974 ♪ To my monogram ♪ 859 00:33:40,769 --> 00:33:42,730 ♪ Tell me ♪ 860 00:33:44,064 --> 00:33:47,317 ♪ Where is the shepherd ♪ 861 00:33:47,401 --> 00:33:50,946 ♪ For this lost lamb? ♪ 862 00:33:51,029 --> 00:33:52,406 I lied. 863 00:33:52,489 --> 00:33:54,700 I'm only gonna laugh at the end. 864 00:33:57,327 --> 00:34:01,457 ♪ There's a somebody ♪ 865 00:34:01,540 --> 00:34:04,710 ♪ I'm longing to see ♪ 866 00:34:06,837 --> 00:34:09,423 ♪ I hope that he ♪ 867 00:34:09,506 --> 00:34:11,759 - [Lenny] Nope. - ♪ Turns out to be ♪ 868 00:34:11,842 --> 00:34:13,844 I'll be right back. 869 00:34:16,013 --> 00:34:20,893 ♪ Someone to watch ♪ 870 00:34:20,976 --> 00:34:23,854 ♪ Over me ♪ 871 00:34:31,695 --> 00:34:32,863 [light buzzing] 872 00:34:32,946 --> 00:34:36,575 ♪ I'm a little lamb ♪ 873 00:34:36,658 --> 00:34:39,578 ♪ Who's lost in the wood ♪ 874 00:34:41,914 --> 00:34:44,625 ♪ I know I could ♪ 875 00:34:44,708 --> 00:34:47,211 - [phone ringing] - ♪ Always be good ♪ 876 00:34:47,294 --> 00:34:49,004 [Lenny] Hello? 877 00:34:49,087 --> 00:34:51,006 [phone conversation continues indistinctly] 878 00:34:51,089 --> 00:34:55,010 ♪ To one who'd watch ♪ 879 00:34:55,093 --> 00:34:56,970 ♪ Over me... 880 00:34:57,054 --> 00:34:58,597 [Lenny] Goodbye. 881 00:34:58,680 --> 00:35:01,475 So, apparently, being Mr. Bruce means 882 00:35:01,558 --> 00:35:03,101 you're the one who has to bail out 883 00:35:03,185 --> 00:35:04,728 the slow runners after a raid. 884 00:35:04,812 --> 00:35:06,605 So I was thinking... 885 00:35:06,688 --> 00:35:08,941 That is not for you. 886 00:35:09,024 --> 00:35:10,734 Lenny, what... 887 00:35:10,818 --> 00:35:12,778 You don't need to worry about that. 888 00:35:12,861 --> 00:35:13,987 But... 889 00:35:14,071 --> 00:35:15,405 All is well. 890 00:35:15,489 --> 00:35:16,865 I promise. 891 00:35:16,949 --> 00:35:18,325 Now, get dressed. 892 00:35:18,408 --> 00:35:20,327 We'll go spring the riffraff, and then I'll take you 893 00:35:20,410 --> 00:35:22,746 for some truly terrible Chinese food, okay? 894 00:35:24,289 --> 00:35:27,709 ♪ Someone ♪ 895 00:35:27,793 --> 00:35:29,962 ♪ To watch ♪ 896 00:35:30,045 --> 00:35:33,924 ♪ Over me ♪♪ 897 00:35:40,180 --> 00:35:42,391 [song ends] 898 00:35:42,474 --> 00:35:44,101 - Abe! Abe! - Hmm? 899 00:35:44,184 --> 00:35:45,644 I didn't know you were still here. 900 00:35:45,727 --> 00:35:47,771 Someone called a while ago, said you needed to get 901 00:35:47,855 --> 00:35:49,857 - to the hospital immediately. - What? Who? 902 00:35:49,940 --> 00:35:51,859 - I don't know. I... - He's dead. Is he dead? 903 00:35:51,942 --> 00:35:53,443 - Oh, my God. - I don't know. 904 00:35:53,527 --> 00:35:55,487 They just said to hurry. 905 00:35:55,571 --> 00:35:57,656 I will bite your fingers off, Isobel. 906 00:35:57,739 --> 00:35:59,324 It's not Isobel, Dody. 907 00:35:59,408 --> 00:36:00,868 - It's Abe. - Abe? 908 00:36:00,951 --> 00:36:02,953 - What time is it? - It's very late. 909 00:36:03,036 --> 00:36:04,746 I have to get to the hospital. 910 00:36:04,830 --> 00:36:06,832 You should go home. 911 00:36:06,915 --> 00:36:08,333 Thank you for your help. 912 00:36:08,417 --> 00:36:10,460 You are a true Sancho Panza. 913 00:36:12,462 --> 00:36:14,756 [woman over P.A.] Phone call for Dr. O'Connell. 914 00:36:14,840 --> 00:36:18,427 Dr. O'Connell, you have a phone call at the nurses' station. 915 00:36:18,510 --> 00:36:20,012 I... 916 00:36:21,179 --> 00:36:23,056 What kept you? 917 00:36:23,140 --> 00:36:24,766 I... But you're alive. 918 00:36:24,850 --> 00:36:26,101 I am. Yes. 919 00:36:26,184 --> 00:36:27,436 You're not dead. 920 00:36:27,519 --> 00:36:29,605 No, I'm not. 921 00:36:29,688 --> 00:36:32,399 I just... The call... I figured... 922 00:36:32,482 --> 00:36:33,734 You hoping for a different outcome? 923 00:36:33,817 --> 00:36:36,028 No. I'm fine with it, obviously. 924 00:36:36,111 --> 00:36:37,362 I tried to call you. 925 00:36:37,446 --> 00:36:39,781 Some disgruntled employee rushed me off the phone. 926 00:36:39,865 --> 00:36:43,327 Oh. Well, that's... terrific, really. 927 00:36:43,410 --> 00:36:46,079 [chuckles] Just surprised. 928 00:36:46,163 --> 00:36:48,081 Who's this? Do I know her? 929 00:36:48,165 --> 00:36:49,374 [Shirley] Oh, this is Mei. 930 00:36:49,458 --> 00:36:50,792 It's so wonderful. 931 00:36:50,876 --> 00:36:53,337 Do you know that now hospitals hire mah-jongg players 932 00:36:53,420 --> 00:36:55,422 to distract you from impending death? 933 00:36:55,505 --> 00:36:56,465 - [Abe] Really? - What? 934 00:36:56,548 --> 00:36:57,716 - She asked. I froze. - Ah, geez. 935 00:36:57,799 --> 00:36:59,259 She tipped me, though, so I can pay you back. 936 00:36:59,343 --> 00:37:00,260 That's nice. 937 00:37:00,344 --> 00:37:01,303 What's that, Abe? 938 00:37:01,386 --> 00:37:02,679 - What? - In your hand. 939 00:37:02,763 --> 00:37:04,389 Oh, it's nothing. 940 00:37:04,473 --> 00:37:05,766 You're holding it very tightly. 941 00:37:05,849 --> 00:37:07,351 It's just, uh... 942 00:37:07,434 --> 00:37:09,311 It says "Moishe's obituary." 943 00:37:09,394 --> 00:37:11,438 - You wrote my obituary? - No. 944 00:37:11,521 --> 00:37:13,899 You wrote something and titled it "Moishe's Obituary"? 945 00:37:13,982 --> 00:37:15,108 [Abe sighs] I... 946 00:37:15,192 --> 00:37:16,944 You couldn't get the guy who wrote Einstein's? 947 00:37:17,027 --> 00:37:18,862 [Abe] No. I just... 948 00:37:18,946 --> 00:37:21,281 Yes. I wrote something. 949 00:37:21,365 --> 00:37:23,659 Well, what were you going to do rushing in here like that? 950 00:37:23,742 --> 00:37:26,036 - I think I was going to read it. - To me? 951 00:37:26,119 --> 00:37:27,454 - Yes. - While I was unconscious? 952 00:37:27,537 --> 00:37:28,789 Or dead. Yes. 953 00:37:28,872 --> 00:37:31,041 - I'd like to hear it. - What? No. 954 00:37:31,124 --> 00:37:32,501 - I'm a little curious, too. - Same here. 955 00:37:32,584 --> 00:37:33,669 You work for the hospital. 956 00:37:33,752 --> 00:37:35,045 - You don't get a vote. - [Moishe] Abe. 957 00:37:35,128 --> 00:37:37,839 Well, it-it was just a first draft, 958 00:37:37,923 --> 00:37:40,926 so I hadn't finished it, but... 959 00:37:42,344 --> 00:37:46,223 I just talked about your father and the pickle cart. 960 00:37:46,306 --> 00:37:47,849 We all know that story. 961 00:37:47,933 --> 00:37:49,142 So, uh... 962 00:37:49,226 --> 00:37:52,145 You started a clothing manufacturing business. 963 00:37:52,229 --> 00:37:53,897 There was no Roth. 964 00:37:53,981 --> 00:37:55,899 It was all you. Gave you full credit. 965 00:37:55,983 --> 00:37:57,526 - Thank you. - [Abe] Oh. Uh, 966 00:37:57,609 --> 00:38:00,696 Moishe brought over the 13 Jews, saved them. 967 00:38:00,779 --> 00:38:03,699 Very nice paragraph about that. 968 00:38:03,782 --> 00:38:06,743 Good... good placement. And, uh... 969 00:38:06,827 --> 00:38:09,705 Oh, I found a typo. 970 00:38:09,788 --> 00:38:12,082 I just found another. Who has a pen? 971 00:38:12,165 --> 00:38:13,583 No one's grading you, Abe. 972 00:38:13,667 --> 00:38:15,377 Yes, well... Okay. 973 00:38:15,460 --> 00:38:19,089 Uh, well, after the 13 Jews, I-I do a long run 974 00:38:19,172 --> 00:38:21,299 about whether or not God exists. 975 00:38:21,383 --> 00:38:23,093 - He does. - Well, that's been the debate. 976 00:38:23,176 --> 00:38:24,261 There's no debate. He does. 977 00:38:24,344 --> 00:38:25,971 Okay, I know you feel like that, but... 978 00:38:26,054 --> 00:38:27,639 Abe, I'm lying in a hospital bed. 979 00:38:27,723 --> 00:38:28,890 Give me this. 980 00:38:30,642 --> 00:38:32,769 God exists. 981 00:38:32,853 --> 00:38:35,480 For now. And then... 982 00:38:35,564 --> 00:38:40,193 and then I talk about how you took us in 983 00:38:40,277 --> 00:38:44,072 when we... had nowhere to go. 984 00:38:44,156 --> 00:38:49,786 And... you did not have to, but you did, and... 985 00:38:49,870 --> 00:38:53,165 you asked us for nothing. 986 00:38:54,833 --> 00:38:59,713 [crying] You made sure our daughter was taken care of 987 00:38:59,796 --> 00:39:03,467 even though she was not married to your son anymore. 988 00:39:05,052 --> 00:39:07,220 You... 989 00:39:07,304 --> 00:39:09,806 were a very good man. 990 00:39:11,266 --> 00:39:13,351 And I... 991 00:39:13,435 --> 00:39:15,312 I miss you very much. 992 00:39:19,232 --> 00:39:21,109 But you're not dead, so... 993 00:39:24,613 --> 00:39:27,115 [Shirley] Well, that was very nice, Abe. 994 00:39:27,199 --> 00:39:29,576 I'm gonna get some ice cream. Who wants ice cream? 995 00:39:29,659 --> 00:39:31,661 - [Joel] Ice cream sounds good. - [Rose] Well, I'm going to get some coffee. 996 00:39:31,745 --> 00:39:33,872 - [Mei] I don't want ice cream. - [Joel] Just get some ice cream. Trust me. 997 00:39:33,955 --> 00:39:35,916 - [Mei] Ice cream sounds great. - [Shirley] You think the machine will take a 20? 998 00:39:35,999 --> 00:39:37,709 - [Joel] I doubt it. - [Mei] I have some change. 999 00:39:37,793 --> 00:39:39,503 [Shirley] Since when? You told me you were broke. 1000 00:39:39,586 --> 00:39:42,214 - [Joel] Ma. - [Rose] Why don't you let me? - [Shirley groaning] 1001 00:39:42,297 --> 00:39:43,840 This is the darndest thing. 1002 00:39:43,924 --> 00:39:46,218 I have absolutely no record of this phone number. 1003 00:39:46,301 --> 00:39:47,761 I have no record of this phone. 1004 00:39:47,844 --> 00:39:49,387 I don't even recognize this model. 1005 00:39:49,471 --> 00:39:52,015 - Where did you get it again? - It was here when we got here. 1006 00:39:52,099 --> 00:39:53,683 It's the darndest thing. 1007 00:39:53,767 --> 00:39:55,602 The guy from Bon Soir says Alfie has to do 1008 00:39:55,685 --> 00:39:57,270 two free shows before they commit. 1009 00:39:57,354 --> 00:39:58,647 Are you kidding me? 1010 00:39:58,730 --> 00:40:00,524 Yeah, even I knew that was a big fuck-you. 1011 00:40:00,607 --> 00:40:02,609 Excuse my French. The phone company called. 1012 00:40:02,692 --> 00:40:04,653 They can come out next Tuesday at 10:00. 1013 00:40:04,736 --> 00:40:06,446 The phone company is here. 1014 00:40:06,530 --> 00:40:08,949 - Oh. Is the electric company there? - No. 1015 00:40:09,032 --> 00:40:11,451 The electric company can come out next Tuesday at 10:00. 1016 00:40:11,535 --> 00:40:13,328 - And Marvin Nicholson called... - [phone ringing] 1017 00:40:13,411 --> 00:40:15,205 Ooh, phone. Hold on. 1018 00:40:15,288 --> 00:40:16,540 Jesus, Frank. 1019 00:40:16,623 --> 00:40:18,166 You leave any garlic for the rest of the world? 1020 00:40:18,250 --> 00:40:19,751 Garlic's good for you. Makes you strong. 1021 00:40:19,835 --> 00:40:22,129 You'll be able to beat up all the other managers. 1022 00:40:22,212 --> 00:40:23,713 Moishe is out of the woods. 1023 00:40:23,797 --> 00:40:24,881 - [Frank] Hey. - Who? 1024 00:40:24,965 --> 00:40:26,800 My ex-father-in-law. He is awake. 1025 00:40:26,883 --> 00:40:28,718 Hey, show some enthusiasm. 1026 00:40:28,802 --> 00:40:30,387 Why? It's your ex-father-in-law. 1027 00:40:30,470 --> 00:40:32,013 I don't give a shit about your first-grade teacher, 1028 00:40:32,097 --> 00:40:33,348 your pediatrician or the first guy 1029 00:40:33,431 --> 00:40:35,350 who felt you up, either, by the way. 1030 00:40:35,433 --> 00:40:37,686 Susie! Hey, I got a weird one. 1031 00:40:37,769 --> 00:40:40,438 Yeah, that is not a sentence you just yell out in public, Maggie. 1032 00:40:40,522 --> 00:40:41,857 Just for future reference. 1033 00:40:41,940 --> 00:40:44,025 Some guy says he works for Tony Bennett, and he wants 1034 00:40:44,109 --> 00:40:45,902 to talk to you about booking one of your clients. 1035 00:40:45,986 --> 00:40:47,946 [Susie] Really? Tony Bennett? 1036 00:40:48,029 --> 00:40:49,531 Well, send it on over. 1037 00:40:49,614 --> 00:40:51,616 Tony Bennett. You hear that? 1038 00:40:51,700 --> 00:40:54,411 - Tony Bennett's calling me. - Well, his guy is. 1039 00:40:54,494 --> 00:40:56,830 Well, his guy is, but his guy is calling me 1040 00:40:56,913 --> 00:40:59,291 - because Tony Bennett told him to, so... - Susie. 1041 00:41:01,042 --> 00:41:03,211 - Hold on, Maggie. - [Maggie] Okay. 1042 00:41:03,295 --> 00:41:05,213 I was having a great day for a minute there. 1043 00:41:05,297 --> 00:41:07,257 Lenny put my name in to open for Tony Bennett 1044 00:41:07,340 --> 00:41:08,884 at the Copa this week. 1045 00:41:08,967 --> 00:41:10,260 The Copa? 1046 00:41:10,343 --> 00:41:11,678 The sold-out run at the Copa? 1047 00:41:11,761 --> 00:41:13,763 This... this sold-out run at the Copa? 1048 00:41:13,847 --> 00:41:15,056 That's the one. 1049 00:41:15,140 --> 00:41:17,642 Yeah, with the big full-page ad that says, 1050 00:41:17,726 --> 00:41:19,895 "Hello, boys. This show's a really big deal, 1051 00:41:19,978 --> 00:41:21,646 and anyone associated with this ad 1052 00:41:21,730 --> 00:41:23,773 is gonna be rich and famous and very, very happy." 1053 00:41:23,857 --> 00:41:24,900 Bingo. 1054 00:41:24,983 --> 00:41:27,194 [both] No opening acts. 1055 00:41:27,277 --> 00:41:29,404 Yep. Hang up the phone, Maggie. 1056 00:41:29,487 --> 00:41:31,072 - Why? - I moved. 1057 00:41:31,156 --> 00:41:32,574 - Where to? - I'm dead. 1058 00:41:32,657 --> 00:41:35,076 - You are? - Just hang up the goddamn phone. 1059 00:41:35,160 --> 00:41:36,703 Okay. 1060 00:41:36,786 --> 00:41:38,413 Sorry. 1061 00:41:38,496 --> 00:41:40,040 No problem. 1062 00:41:40,123 --> 00:41:41,583 You want some coffee? 1063 00:41:41,666 --> 00:41:43,210 Uh, sure. 1064 00:41:43,293 --> 00:41:44,419 Cream? 1065 00:41:44,502 --> 00:41:46,463 - Susie, don't. - Don't what? 1066 00:41:46,546 --> 00:41:48,340 Okay, no cream. 1067 00:41:48,423 --> 00:41:49,758 You know my situation. 1068 00:41:49,841 --> 00:41:52,260 Sugar? Yeah, you like it sweet. 1069 00:41:52,344 --> 00:41:54,221 Let me put some sugar in there for you. 1070 00:41:54,304 --> 00:41:56,681 - [Midge] This is creepy. - [Frank] That was really Tony Bennett? 1071 00:41:56,765 --> 00:41:58,350 Yes, but I'm not doing op... 1072 00:41:58,433 --> 00:42:00,644 Let it go, Frank. It's a brick wall in a pink tutu. 1073 00:42:00,727 --> 00:42:02,270 Susie, do you know if, at any point, 1074 00:42:02,354 --> 00:42:04,147 this whole building used to be somewhere else? 1075 00:42:04,231 --> 00:42:05,732 I'm gonna go with no. 1076 00:42:05,815 --> 00:42:07,943 - The building has not been moved. - You know, Midge, 1077 00:42:08,026 --> 00:42:09,778 that Bennett gig seems like a big opportunity. 1078 00:42:09,861 --> 00:42:11,780 You might want to give it a second thought. 1079 00:42:11,863 --> 00:42:13,281 Thanks, Frank. Susie and I have a plan. 1080 00:42:13,365 --> 00:42:14,699 Is the plan to open for Tony Bennett? 1081 00:42:14,783 --> 00:42:15,909 'Cause that sounds like a good plan. 1082 00:42:15,992 --> 00:42:17,661 It's not, but thanks for asking. 1083 00:42:17,744 --> 00:42:18,912 Tony Bennett is a great singer. 1084 00:42:18,995 --> 00:42:20,163 You would work nice with him. 1085 00:42:20,247 --> 00:42:21,373 I would. 1086 00:42:21,456 --> 00:42:23,041 I'm not gonna, but I would. 1087 00:42:23,124 --> 00:42:26,044 [Nicky] Miriam, as friends of yours and Susie's... 1088 00:42:26,127 --> 00:42:28,004 I'd say more like family than friends at this point. 1089 00:42:28,088 --> 00:42:29,631 We're just looking out for your well-being. 1090 00:42:29,714 --> 00:42:31,132 You should consider changing your mind. 1091 00:42:31,216 --> 00:42:32,509 And then you should change your mind. 1092 00:42:32,592 --> 00:42:34,469 He won't give us a line till he tracks down 1093 00:42:34,552 --> 00:42:36,012 the origins of this phone. 1094 00:42:36,096 --> 00:42:38,223 Hey, Dinah, stir the sauce. 1095 00:42:39,641 --> 00:42:41,643 - Two lines, right? - Yes, please. 1096 00:42:43,103 --> 00:42:44,813 Don't open the door. 1097 00:42:47,774 --> 00:42:49,776 Can I talk to you a minute? 1098 00:42:54,030 --> 00:42:55,657 Why are they suddenly always around? 1099 00:42:55,740 --> 00:42:57,575 - Who? - Martini and Rossi. 1100 00:42:57,659 --> 00:42:59,494 I don't know. They're just hanging out. 1101 00:42:59,577 --> 00:43:01,329 Here. They are hanging out here. 1102 00:43:01,413 --> 00:43:03,415 Yes, here. They got this place for me, remember? 1103 00:43:03,498 --> 00:43:05,750 They found the furniture for me. They suggested the layout. 1104 00:43:05,834 --> 00:43:07,627 - Why? - Why? 1105 00:43:07,711 --> 00:43:09,629 'Cause it's not obvious to the eye, Miriam. 1106 00:43:09,713 --> 00:43:11,256 It's a lot of fucking space to fill. 1107 00:43:11,339 --> 00:43:13,466 Susie, think. Why did they do all this for you? 1108 00:43:13,550 --> 00:43:15,051 'Cause you're just so fun to be around? 1109 00:43:15,135 --> 00:43:16,428 Fuck you. I am fun. 1110 00:43:16,511 --> 00:43:18,596 These guys aren't pals with people without a catch. 1111 00:43:18,680 --> 00:43:20,098 What's the catch? 1112 00:43:21,141 --> 00:43:22,183 What do you care? 1113 00:43:24,561 --> 00:43:26,021 They said something about a taste. 1114 00:43:26,104 --> 00:43:28,273 - A taste of what? - Okay, you need to relax. 1115 00:43:28,356 --> 00:43:29,482 These guys are mobsters. 1116 00:43:29,566 --> 00:43:31,484 Hey, I know what they are, okay? 1117 00:43:31,568 --> 00:43:33,820 They kidnapped me for a night, if you remember. 1118 00:43:33,903 --> 00:43:35,989 What are they getting a taste of? 1119 00:43:36,072 --> 00:43:37,907 Look, they did a favor for me. 1120 00:43:37,991 --> 00:43:40,452 Someday, I will do a favor for them. That's how it works. 1121 00:43:40,535 --> 00:43:43,621 What favor? You have nothing to give guys who want a favor. 1122 00:43:43,705 --> 00:43:45,874 - I have, too. - I am the favor. 1123 00:43:45,957 --> 00:43:47,375 Okay. We are done here. 1124 00:43:47,459 --> 00:43:49,044 Susie, please listen to me. 1125 00:43:49,127 --> 00:43:51,087 Boy, I have to tell you, one thing I am 1126 00:43:51,171 --> 00:43:54,174 very tired of doing right now, Miriam, is listening to you. 1127 00:43:55,216 --> 00:43:57,927 [♪ Dinah Shore: "Shoo Fly Pie and Apple Pan Dowdy"] 1128 00:43:58,011 --> 00:43:59,596 [door slams] 1129 00:44:05,143 --> 00:44:06,603 [Abe] Moishe, careful. 1130 00:44:06,686 --> 00:44:08,438 - There's a step. - There's a step here, Moishe. 1131 00:44:08,521 --> 00:44:09,856 Right here. Watch the step. 1132 00:44:09,939 --> 00:44:11,983 Shirley, I have the onions. 1133 00:44:12,067 --> 00:44:13,693 - Slow down, Pop. - I am. 1134 00:44:13,777 --> 00:44:15,737 - I said slow down. - I go any slower, 1135 00:44:15,820 --> 00:44:17,489 technically, I will have stopped. 1136 00:44:17,572 --> 00:44:19,657 - Pop, please. - Joel, I love you. 1137 00:44:19,741 --> 00:44:21,659 You're my son. Now, fuck off. 1138 00:44:21,743 --> 00:44:23,536 Zelda's a genius. She's got everything arranged. 1139 00:44:23,620 --> 00:44:25,205 Your bedroom's down here. 1140 00:44:25,288 --> 00:44:27,082 - The dining room's in there. - This is silly. 1141 00:44:27,165 --> 00:44:28,917 I'm on display here like a prize pig. 1142 00:44:29,000 --> 00:44:30,752 The third doctor from the right said no stairs. 1143 00:44:30,835 --> 00:44:32,504 That's the fourth doctor from the left. 1144 00:44:32,587 --> 00:44:34,672 Third doctor from the right, fourth doctor from the left 1145 00:44:34,756 --> 00:44:36,549 is the same doctor, by the way. 1146 00:44:36,633 --> 00:44:38,760 And this is from the man that was dead a few days ago. 1147 00:44:38,843 --> 00:44:40,261 Let's get you in bed, Mr. Moishe. 1148 00:44:40,345 --> 00:44:42,055 Just a minute. I need to talk to Joely. 1149 00:44:42,138 --> 00:44:44,891 Wow. That's a sailor's grip you got there. 1150 00:44:44,974 --> 00:44:46,810 Okay. I'm on the bed. 1151 00:44:46,893 --> 00:44:48,770 I'm sitting very still. I'm not eating salt. 1152 00:44:48,853 --> 00:44:50,563 Can I talk to my son for a moment? 1153 00:44:50,647 --> 00:44:52,315 - Of course. - Listen. 1154 00:44:53,400 --> 00:44:55,777 I need to say something here. 1155 00:44:55,860 --> 00:44:58,530 On the night of... the thing, you were telling me about... 1156 00:44:58,613 --> 00:44:59,906 Pop, we don't have to do this. 1157 00:44:59,989 --> 00:45:01,449 I want you to know I heard you. 1158 00:45:01,533 --> 00:45:03,118 I heard everything you said. 1159 00:45:03,201 --> 00:45:06,413 Now, I will admit that the timing does seem suspicious, 1160 00:45:06,496 --> 00:45:10,667 but I need to make it very clear that I did not have the thing 1161 00:45:10,750 --> 00:45:13,461 - because you told me about your girlfriend. - You didn't? 1162 00:45:13,545 --> 00:45:15,171 I do not care that she is Chinese. 1163 00:45:15,255 --> 00:45:17,215 - Do I need to repeat this? - No. 1164 00:45:17,298 --> 00:45:18,716 I am surprised that she's pregnant, 1165 00:45:18,800 --> 00:45:20,385 but you have two kids and a zipper, 1166 00:45:20,468 --> 00:45:22,804 so not totally unexpected. 1167 00:45:22,887 --> 00:45:24,806 Plus, it's one more chance to name someone 1168 00:45:24,889 --> 00:45:26,224 after my Grandmother Helda. 1169 00:45:26,307 --> 00:45:27,392 No, it's not. 1170 00:45:27,475 --> 00:45:29,602 You love her. You're going to marry her, 1171 00:45:29,686 --> 00:45:31,479 have a family, another grandchild. 1172 00:45:31,563 --> 00:45:32,772 That's a mitzvah. 1173 00:45:32,856 --> 00:45:35,150 - That, we celebrate. - Thank you, Pop. 1174 00:45:35,233 --> 00:45:37,569 However, she has to be Jewish by the time you tell your mother. 1175 00:45:37,652 --> 00:45:39,612 - What? - It's easy. She meets a rabbi, 1176 00:45:39,696 --> 00:45:40,864 reads a book, takes a bath. 1177 00:45:40,947 --> 00:45:43,700 - Pop. - I'm getting very weak, Joel. 1178 00:45:43,783 --> 00:45:45,368 Try not to upset me. 1179 00:45:45,452 --> 00:45:47,078 Zelda made her beef tea, Moishe. 1180 00:45:47,162 --> 00:45:48,538 - Drink up. - Ooh, ooh, ooh. 1181 00:45:48,621 --> 00:45:50,498 - Ah, ah, ah, ah. - Rose. 1182 00:45:50,582 --> 00:45:51,875 Excuse us, Moishe. 1183 00:45:51,958 --> 00:45:53,877 Abe, my goodness. 1184 00:45:53,960 --> 00:45:55,628 What's the matter? 1185 00:45:55,712 --> 00:45:59,007 ♪ I don't want no cake ♪ 1186 00:45:59,090 --> 00:46:02,135 ♪ Mama, Mama, for my sake... 1187 00:46:02,218 --> 00:46:03,511 Abe. 1188 00:46:03,595 --> 00:46:06,473 And, uh, I got something for you. 1189 00:46:06,556 --> 00:46:09,642 ♪ Shoo fly pie and apple pan dowdy ♪ 1190 00:46:09,726 --> 00:46:12,145 ♪ Makes your eyes light up ♪ 1191 00:46:12,228 --> 00:46:14,898 - ♪ Your tummy say howdy... - [sighs] 1192 00:46:14,981 --> 00:46:18,693 Just remember, I am going first. 1193 00:46:18,776 --> 00:46:20,361 Whatever you want, Abe. 1194 00:46:20,445 --> 00:46:22,071 ♪ Wonderful stuff ♪♪ 1195 00:46:22,155 --> 00:46:23,907 [song ends] 1196 00:46:23,990 --> 00:46:26,868 [quiet chatter] 1197 00:46:26,951 --> 00:46:29,829 Too thick. Too thin. 1198 00:46:29,913 --> 00:46:32,248 Too long. What kind of bread do you put that in? 1199 00:46:32,332 --> 00:46:35,084 - [man whispering] How long is she gonna take? - [woman] Shh! 1200 00:46:36,336 --> 00:46:38,546 Start again. 1201 00:46:38,630 --> 00:46:41,549 [♪ "Shadkhnte, Shadkhnte"] 1202 00:46:41,633 --> 00:46:43,635 [song playing in Yiddish] 1203 00:46:48,890 --> 00:46:51,809 You just save me a piece of that wedding cake. 1204 00:46:55,104 --> 00:46:56,773 [♪ "Matchmaker, Matchmaker"] 1205 00:46:56,856 --> 00:46:59,984 ♪ Matchmaker, matchmaker, I'll bring the veil ♪ 1206 00:47:00,068 --> 00:47:03,363 ♪ You bring the groom slender and pale ♪ 1207 00:47:03,446 --> 00:47:06,324 ♪ Bring me a ring, for I'm longing to be ♪ 1208 00:47:06,407 --> 00:47:09,702 ♪ The envy of all I see ♪ 1209 00:47:09,786 --> 00:47:13,414 ♪ For Papa, make him a scholar ♪ 1210 00:47:13,498 --> 00:47:16,876 ♪ For Mama, make him rich as a king ♪ 1211 00:47:16,960 --> 00:47:20,255 ♪ For me, well, I wouldn't holler ♪ 1212 00:47:20,338 --> 00:47:23,341 ♪ If he were as handsome as anything ♪ 1213 00:47:23,424 --> 00:47:25,635 ♪ Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match ♪ 1214 00:47:25,718 --> 00:47:27,470 We're going to war, Vincent. 1215 00:47:27,554 --> 00:47:30,223 ♪ Find me a find, catch me a catch ♪ 1216 00:47:30,306 --> 00:47:32,267 ♪ Night after night in the dark I'm alone ♪ 1217 00:47:32,350 --> 00:47:34,018 My God, that smells good. 1218 00:47:34,102 --> 00:47:37,355 ♪ So find me a match of my own ♪♪ 1219 00:47:37,438 --> 00:47:39,399 [announcer] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 1220 00:47:39,482 --> 00:47:41,776 It gives me a great deal of pleasure to welcome you 1221 00:47:41,859 --> 00:47:45,029 to this performance of Lenny Bruce at Carnegie Hall. 1222 00:47:45,113 --> 00:47:48,241 The one thing I'd like to say about the label 1223 00:47:48,324 --> 00:47:50,743 of "sick comedian," which I think... 1224 00:47:50,827 --> 00:47:52,453 [sighs] Is there anyone out there? 1225 00:47:52,537 --> 00:47:54,205 I don't know, man. Go out there and look. 1226 00:47:54,289 --> 00:47:56,040 No, I'm not gonna go out there and look. 1227 00:47:56,124 --> 00:47:58,042 Does it matter? Will it change anything? 1228 00:47:58,126 --> 00:47:59,669 It's fine. I'll just go out there 1229 00:47:59,752 --> 00:48:02,005 and entertain whatever junkie wandered in from Times Square. 1230 00:48:02,088 --> 00:48:03,756 Won't be the first time. 1231 00:48:03,840 --> 00:48:07,343 [announcer] ...but that Lenny Bruce comments, reflects, 1232 00:48:07,427 --> 00:48:09,971 holds up the mirror, so to speak, 1233 00:48:10,054 --> 00:48:12,890 to the sick elements in our society 1234 00:48:12,974 --> 00:48:16,853 that should be reflected upon and that should be spoken about. 1235 00:48:16,936 --> 00:48:18,938 [audience applauding] 1236 00:48:21,357 --> 00:48:23,735 And so at this time, ladies and gentlemen, 1237 00:48:23,818 --> 00:48:25,153 Lenny Bruce. 1238 00:48:25,236 --> 00:48:26,779 - [applause] - Shit. - [woman] Oh. 1239 00:48:26,863 --> 00:48:29,324 - [murmuring] - [man] Go get 'em, Lenny. 1240 00:48:29,407 --> 00:48:31,409 [audience cheering] 1241 00:48:44,631 --> 00:48:46,382 - [man] You're the best, Lenny! - All right, all right. 1242 00:48:46,466 --> 00:48:48,259 Cool it. Like, um... [chuckles] 1243 00:48:48,343 --> 00:48:53,389 I wasn't doing a milking bit, but it's ridiculous, man. 1244 00:48:53,473 --> 00:48:55,475 - Hee-hee! - [laughter] 1245 00:48:55,558 --> 00:48:58,186 You should dig my point of view here, man. 1246 00:48:59,228 --> 00:49:02,357 You know, uh, working Carnegie Hall is like, uh... 1247 00:49:02,440 --> 00:49:04,067 I dig it, you know. 1248 00:49:04,150 --> 00:49:05,610 - It's like a... - [chuckling] 1249 00:49:05,693 --> 00:49:08,655 But it's a... I had a lot of fantasies with it, you know. 1250 00:49:08,738 --> 00:49:10,073 Uh, two great fantasies. 1251 00:49:10,156 --> 00:49:12,283 Uh, one, he introduces me 1252 00:49:12,367 --> 00:49:15,078 and I come out with a violin and I just cook, man. 1253 00:49:15,161 --> 00:49:17,038 - [spluttering] - [laughter] 1254 00:49:17,121 --> 00:49:18,289 But for an hour, man. 1255 00:49:18,373 --> 00:49:19,499 - [spluttering] - [laughter] 1256 00:49:19,582 --> 00:49:21,417 Every Stravinsky. Heavy like... 1257 00:49:21,501 --> 00:49:23,294 - [spluttering] - [laughter] 1258 00:49:23,378 --> 00:49:26,214 And I don't say a word, zugnish, and I split, you know. 1259 00:49:26,297 --> 00:49:27,840 You go, "What was that, man?" 1260 00:49:27,924 --> 00:49:31,552 "I don't know. It was a concert and he played a violin." 1261 00:49:31,636 --> 00:49:32,970 "He didn't do any bits?" 1262 00:49:33,054 --> 00:49:35,723 "No, man, he just wailed his ass off with a violin." 1263 00:49:35,807 --> 00:49:36,766 Yeah. 1264 00:49:36,849 --> 00:49:38,226 - [laughter, applause] - Excuse me. 1265 00:49:38,309 --> 00:49:39,811 Excuse me. Pardon me. 1266 00:49:39,894 --> 00:49:41,145 Excu... 1267 00:49:43,189 --> 00:49:46,317 Okay. Now, number two fantasy is that, uh-- 1268 00:49:46,401 --> 00:49:48,403 as this is the 12:00 scene-- 1269 00:49:48,486 --> 00:49:50,655 uh, maybe the people who own this place 1270 00:49:50,738 --> 00:49:53,157 - don't even know we're here. - [laughter] 1271 00:49:53,241 --> 00:49:55,159 Right? Yeah. 1272 00:49:55,243 --> 00:49:57,995 You get a guy who's like a-a good corrupt janitor. 1273 00:49:58,079 --> 00:49:59,872 You know? "Uh, all right, but don't make no noise 1274 00:49:59,956 --> 00:50:01,290 and clean up after you're finished." 1275 00:50:01,374 --> 00:50:02,375 [laughter, applause] 1276 00:50:02,458 --> 00:50:04,627 Okay. Okay, dig. 1277 00:50:07,630 --> 00:50:11,884 So now you've got a dopey cliché like, uh, 1278 00:50:11,968 --> 00:50:14,929 "Would you want your sister to marry one of them?" 1279 00:50:15,012 --> 00:50:17,432 Which, see, has... there's no logic there, see. 1280 00:50:17,515 --> 00:50:20,101 Because you got to tell me which sister, which one of them. 1281 00:50:20,184 --> 00:50:21,686 [laughter] 1282 00:50:21,769 --> 00:50:24,897 Because if I talk to a member of the Ku Klux Klan and I say, 1283 00:50:24,981 --> 00:50:27,233 "Uh, let's see, you're, uh, 35 years old, 1284 00:50:27,316 --> 00:50:31,195 you're unmarried, you're white, you're an attractive man. 1285 00:50:31,279 --> 00:50:34,824 I'm gonna give you a choice-- own free will-- 1286 00:50:34,907 --> 00:50:38,161 of marrying a Black woman or a white woman. 1287 00:50:38,244 --> 00:50:41,789 Two chicks, about the same ages, same economic level, 1288 00:50:41,873 --> 00:50:43,332 and you make the choice. 1289 00:50:43,416 --> 00:50:45,585 But you got to marry her. Whatever marriage means to you. 1290 00:50:45,668 --> 00:50:48,087 Kissing and hugging and sleeping in a single bed 1291 00:50:48,171 --> 00:50:50,214 - on hot nights. - [laughter] 1292 00:50:50,298 --> 00:50:52,800 Fifteen years with a Black, Black woman 1293 00:50:52,884 --> 00:50:54,719 or 15 years with a white, white woman. 1294 00:50:54,802 --> 00:50:56,929 Kissing and hugging that Black, Black woman 1295 00:50:57,013 --> 00:50:58,431 or the white one. 1296 00:50:58,514 --> 00:51:01,559 You make your choice between the Black woman or the white woman. 1297 00:51:01,642 --> 00:51:03,186 The white woman... 1298 00:51:03,269 --> 00:51:04,771 is Kate Smith. 1299 00:51:04,854 --> 00:51:07,231 [laughter, applause] 1300 00:51:07,315 --> 00:51:09,442 The Black woman 1301 00:51:09,525 --> 00:51:10,943 - is Lena Horne. - [cheering] 1302 00:51:11,027 --> 00:51:13,154 So, then you are not concerned 1303 00:51:13,237 --> 00:51:15,740 with Black or white anymore, are you?" 1304 00:51:17,867 --> 00:51:19,869 I don't know if there's any losers out here. 1305 00:51:19,952 --> 00:51:21,829 [laughter] 1306 00:51:21,913 --> 00:51:23,664 You know, when you break up with your old lady, 1307 00:51:23,748 --> 00:51:26,250 uh, get divorced, uh, here's the problem. 1308 00:51:26,334 --> 00:51:27,668 I don't know if you'll encounter it. 1309 00:51:27,752 --> 00:51:29,587 It's particularly a show business problem, 1310 00:51:29,670 --> 00:51:32,006 but, uh... because of my hours. 1311 00:51:32,089 --> 00:51:34,342 I'm not a particularly promiscuous person, 1312 00:51:34,425 --> 00:51:37,094 but I like to have someone, you know, to hang out with, 1313 00:51:37,178 --> 00:51:38,888 - to talk to. - [laughter] 1314 00:51:38,971 --> 00:51:42,058 Usually, I go out with chicks that are between 30 and 40, 1315 00:51:42,141 --> 00:51:43,976 because they're usually divorced 1316 00:51:44,060 --> 00:51:45,520 and good and bitter, too, you know. 1317 00:51:45,603 --> 00:51:46,562 [laughter] 1318 00:51:46,646 --> 00:51:48,439 But the hang-up is, 1319 00:51:48,523 --> 00:51:51,150 where can you go at 4:00 in the morning? 1320 00:51:51,234 --> 00:51:52,777 And every chick I know who's divorced 1321 00:51:52,860 --> 00:51:54,570 - has got a seven-year-old kid. - [laughter] 1322 00:51:54,654 --> 00:51:56,739 If they haven't got a seven-year-old kid, 1323 00:51:56,823 --> 00:51:59,575 they've got a mother who lives with them who's divorced, too. 1324 00:51:59,659 --> 00:52:02,245 - [laughter] - And those kinds of mothers are real nuts. 1325 00:52:02,328 --> 00:52:04,580 You know, complete competition with their daughters. 1326 00:52:04,664 --> 00:52:07,750 "Oh, you think I got nice legs? I was a Charleston dancer." 1327 00:52:07,834 --> 00:52:08,876 [laughter, applause] 1328 00:52:08,960 --> 00:52:11,170 Yeah. [chuckles] Yeah. 1329 00:52:11,254 --> 00:52:13,422 And so the hang-up is, 1330 00:52:13,506 --> 00:52:16,008 at 4:00 in the morning, where you gonna... 1331 00:52:16,092 --> 00:52:19,554 If you say, uh, "motel," semantics, that's out. 1332 00:52:19,637 --> 00:52:21,556 Yeah. 1333 00:52:21,639 --> 00:52:24,100 Really. It's got, like, a lewd connotation. 1334 00:52:24,183 --> 00:52:27,270 So, I figured all kinds of devices, like, uh, 1335 00:52:27,353 --> 00:52:29,480 I tell a chick "a trailer." 1336 00:52:29,564 --> 00:52:31,566 - [laughter] - That sounds cute, right? 1337 00:52:31,649 --> 00:52:33,150 Nothing dirty about trailers. 1338 00:52:33,234 --> 00:52:35,111 "Hey, want to go to my trailer?" 1339 00:52:35,194 --> 00:52:37,113 "Yeah, okay. Where is it?" 1340 00:52:37,196 --> 00:52:39,490 "Well, it's in my motel room now." 1341 00:52:39,574 --> 00:52:40,908 [laughter] 1342 00:52:40,992 --> 00:52:43,244 "Yeah. I'll help you assemble it." 1343 00:52:43,327 --> 00:52:44,662 [chuckles] 1344 00:52:47,206 --> 00:52:50,334 This one chick, oh, I kind of dug her, you know? 1345 00:52:50,418 --> 00:52:53,838 Uh, I known her a couple years, seen her after work. 1346 00:52:53,921 --> 00:52:57,174 And, uh, we're sitting there outside of the motel, 1347 00:52:57,258 --> 00:52:59,343 and, uh, she says, "All right, look. 1348 00:52:59,427 --> 00:53:00,761 I don't want to go in there. 1349 00:53:00,845 --> 00:53:02,305 I don't want to be embarrassed with the registering 1350 00:53:02,388 --> 00:53:03,514 and all that. You go in." 1351 00:53:03,598 --> 00:53:04,974 I say, "All right. Solid. 1352 00:53:05,057 --> 00:53:06,183 You stay in the car." 1353 00:53:06,267 --> 00:53:08,352 - [laughter] - So, I go in. 1354 00:53:08,436 --> 00:53:10,354 Uh, "Hello." 1355 00:53:10,438 --> 00:53:12,398 "Hello. Um... 1356 00:53:12,481 --> 00:53:14,358 How much is it here a month?" 1357 00:53:14,442 --> 00:53:16,444 - [laughter] - "Well, we just got a daily rate. 1358 00:53:16,527 --> 00:53:17,653 Six dollars." 1359 00:53:17,737 --> 00:53:19,155 "Uh... [clears throat] 1360 00:53:19,238 --> 00:53:20,573 I'll tell you what. 1361 00:53:20,656 --> 00:53:21,699 Uh... [clears throat] 1362 00:53:21,782 --> 00:53:24,702 My sister's out in the car, and, uh... 1363 00:53:24,785 --> 00:53:26,579 we had a terrible tragedy in our family. 1364 00:53:26,662 --> 00:53:28,080 My uncle passed away. 1365 00:53:28,164 --> 00:53:30,666 And I don't know if you've ever had a tragedy like that. 1366 00:53:30,750 --> 00:53:32,710 Uh, we were very close to him, in fact. 1367 00:53:32,793 --> 00:53:35,755 And, uh, she's all shook up. She's under sedation. 1368 00:53:35,838 --> 00:53:37,506 - She's just hysterical. - [laughter] 1369 00:53:37,590 --> 00:53:40,092 So, I'm gonna sleep with her." 1370 00:53:40,176 --> 00:53:42,219 [laughter, applause] 1371 00:53:42,303 --> 00:53:44,305 [cheering] 1372 00:53:47,850 --> 00:53:49,644 Time to split. 1373 00:53:49,727 --> 00:53:51,354 Grab a shovel and go home. 1374 00:53:51,437 --> 00:53:52,355 Thank you. 1375 00:53:52,438 --> 00:53:54,941 [cheering, applause] 1376 00:54:14,126 --> 00:54:15,628 - [indistinct chatter] - Excuse me. 1377 00:54:15,711 --> 00:54:18,881 Excuse me. Ooh, sorry if that was a foot! 1378 00:54:18,965 --> 00:54:21,133 - Ah! Ha! There she is. - [giggles] 1379 00:54:21,217 --> 00:54:23,886 Everyone, this is Midge Maisel. 1380 00:54:23,970 --> 00:54:25,554 Mrs., to those in the know. 1381 00:54:25,638 --> 00:54:27,181 Hey, hey, hey, how's your father-in-law? 1382 00:54:27,264 --> 00:54:29,225 He's fine, actually. He's gonna recover. 1383 00:54:29,308 --> 00:54:30,893 Oh, thank God. We were in a panic all evening. 1384 00:54:30,977 --> 00:54:32,103 Uh, can you all excuse me? 1385 00:54:32,186 --> 00:54:34,271 I have to talk to this lady for a moment. 1386 00:54:34,355 --> 00:54:36,190 [indistinct chatter] 1387 00:54:36,273 --> 00:54:40,361 Lenny, you were insanely great tonight. 1388 00:54:40,444 --> 00:54:42,154 Really. 1389 00:54:42,238 --> 00:54:45,992 The people around me never wanted you to stop. 1390 00:54:46,075 --> 00:54:47,368 Might've wanted you to slow down 1391 00:54:47,451 --> 00:54:49,745 if they were following you like this. 1392 00:54:49,829 --> 00:54:50,746 Lenny. 1393 00:54:50,830 --> 00:54:52,373 Little tip: the nicer the lady looks, 1394 00:54:52,456 --> 00:54:54,291 the worse her shoes are. 1395 00:54:59,380 --> 00:55:01,048 Wow. 1396 00:55:01,132 --> 00:55:03,676 This is amazing. 1397 00:55:03,759 --> 00:55:05,344 How did it feel? 1398 00:55:05,428 --> 00:55:08,472 How did it feel? Uh... 1399 00:55:08,556 --> 00:55:10,850 It felt great. 1400 00:55:10,933 --> 00:55:12,685 Been here before to see concerts, 1401 00:55:12,768 --> 00:55:15,563 but out in the audience, obviously. 1402 00:55:15,646 --> 00:55:17,648 I hear you turned down the Bennett gig. 1403 00:55:17,732 --> 00:55:19,650 Yeah. 1404 00:55:19,734 --> 00:55:21,068 I did. 1405 00:55:21,152 --> 00:55:23,195 Said you wouldn't even come to the phone. 1406 00:55:23,279 --> 00:55:26,323 Well, that was more Susie, but yes. 1407 00:55:26,407 --> 00:55:28,242 Okay. 1408 00:55:28,325 --> 00:55:29,452 Let's put aside for a moment 1409 00:55:29,535 --> 00:55:31,203 that I went to bat for you for that job. 1410 00:55:31,287 --> 00:55:33,539 I mean, really, I turned down their price three times. 1411 00:55:33,622 --> 00:55:34,832 "No, she can't work for that. 1412 00:55:34,915 --> 00:55:36,000 Do you have any idea what you're getting here?" 1413 00:55:36,083 --> 00:55:37,501 That's on me. 1414 00:55:37,585 --> 00:55:39,211 You didn't ask me to do that, so I'm the schmuck there. 1415 00:55:39,295 --> 00:55:41,881 - Lenny... - But I couldn't really figure out why. 1416 00:55:41,964 --> 00:55:43,090 So I asked around. 1417 00:55:43,174 --> 00:55:44,508 I don't know. 1418 00:55:44,592 --> 00:55:46,093 Were you being blacklisted again? 1419 00:55:46,177 --> 00:55:47,762 Did the Baldwin thing hurt you that much? 1420 00:55:47,845 --> 00:55:49,096 I'm at Carnegie Hall. 1421 00:55:49,180 --> 00:55:51,098 I've got five minutes where maybe I can help you 1422 00:55:51,182 --> 00:55:53,517 before I'm thrown out of the club again. 1423 00:55:53,601 --> 00:55:55,561 But then I heard that you were turning down gigs 1424 00:55:55,644 --> 00:55:57,271 right and left. 1425 00:55:57,354 --> 00:55:59,815 I made a decision to do things my way. 1426 00:55:59,899 --> 00:56:01,692 I'm sorry, what does that mean? 1427 00:56:01,776 --> 00:56:05,488 It means I just want to say what I want to say. 1428 00:56:05,571 --> 00:56:06,864 Why am I explaining this to you? 1429 00:56:06,947 --> 00:56:10,201 Why? Because my fucking mind is blown, that's why. 1430 00:56:10,284 --> 00:56:11,452 I don't understand. 1431 00:56:11,535 --> 00:56:13,370 No opening act gigs. 1432 00:56:13,454 --> 00:56:14,830 - Yes. - That's true? 1433 00:56:14,914 --> 00:56:15,831 Yes, that's true. 1434 00:56:15,915 --> 00:56:17,833 I told you about the manifesto. 1435 00:56:17,917 --> 00:56:19,627 Do you understand that this is a business? 1436 00:56:19,710 --> 00:56:21,962 Like anything else-- you get hired, you get paid. 1437 00:56:22,046 --> 00:56:24,173 - You understand that? - Yes, but... 1438 00:56:24,256 --> 00:56:26,258 And the trick is to get good and get paid. 1439 00:56:26,342 --> 00:56:27,593 I get paid at the Wolford. 1440 00:56:27,676 --> 00:56:29,553 Oh, come on. One thing you are not is dumb. 1441 00:56:29,637 --> 00:56:32,306 Wait a minute. You never compromise. 1442 00:56:32,389 --> 00:56:35,184 You get up onstage knowing the police could be there, or, hell, 1443 00:56:35,267 --> 00:56:36,769 that they are there, and you say 1444 00:56:36,852 --> 00:56:39,021 whatever the hell it is you want anyhow. 1445 00:56:39,105 --> 00:56:40,272 Why is it wrong for me to want to do 1446 00:56:40,356 --> 00:56:42,024 - the very same thing? - Jesus Christ, Midge. 1447 00:56:42,108 --> 00:56:44,401 What a fucking pedestal you put me on. 1448 00:56:45,736 --> 00:56:48,072 Getting arrested is not a badge of honor. 1449 00:56:48,155 --> 00:56:50,658 Getting arrested means I can't work where I want to work. 1450 00:56:50,741 --> 00:56:52,827 People are afraid of booking me. 1451 00:56:52,910 --> 00:56:55,538 It's exactly the opposite of what I want for myself. 1452 00:56:55,621 --> 00:56:57,873 - But... - Do you know how much I hate knowing that half 1453 00:56:57,957 --> 00:57:00,334 the people that come to see me are hoping I'm gonna get popped? 1454 00:57:00,417 --> 00:57:02,503 Hoping they'll have some great story to tell their friends 1455 00:57:02,586 --> 00:57:04,255 over cheese and crackers? 1456 00:57:04,338 --> 00:57:06,298 I want people to fucking laugh. 1457 00:57:06,382 --> 00:57:08,634 Think and laugh, sure, but laugh. 1458 00:57:08,717 --> 00:57:09,969 I'm a comic. 1459 00:57:10,052 --> 00:57:11,262 An entertainer. 1460 00:57:11,345 --> 00:57:12,888 Baggy pants, banana peels. 1461 00:57:12,972 --> 00:57:15,474 I'm not the stand-up messiah. 1462 00:57:15,558 --> 00:57:18,394 This is what I want. 1463 00:57:18,477 --> 00:57:20,271 This is what I have worked for. 1464 00:57:20,354 --> 00:57:21,814 Don't you want this? 1465 00:57:21,897 --> 00:57:23,899 Don't you want to be here? 1466 00:57:23,983 --> 00:57:26,235 Don't you want to know a thousand mental patients 1467 00:57:26,318 --> 00:57:28,404 braved a fucking snowstorm to see you? 1468 00:57:28,487 --> 00:57:30,948 - That should be the goal. - How do you know it's not? 1469 00:57:31,031 --> 00:57:32,575 Because you're not gonna get here 1470 00:57:32,658 --> 00:57:35,161 hiding yourself away in a club that technically doesn't exist. 1471 00:57:35,244 --> 00:57:37,955 - I'm not hiding. - You sure as fuck are hiding. 1472 00:57:38,998 --> 00:57:40,207 So what you got dumped by Baldwin? 1473 00:57:40,291 --> 00:57:41,750 Who gives a shit? Go get another gig. 1474 00:57:41,834 --> 00:57:42,751 And another and another. 1475 00:57:42,835 --> 00:57:44,587 So I'm just supposed to get fired 1476 00:57:44,670 --> 00:57:45,796 from one job after another? 1477 00:57:45,880 --> 00:57:48,090 Yes. If that's what it takes. 1478 00:57:48,174 --> 00:57:50,551 Listen to me. 1479 00:57:50,634 --> 00:57:51,969 I have made a lot of mistakes 1480 00:57:52,052 --> 00:57:53,554 and I am gonna keep making a lot of mistakes, 1481 00:57:53,637 --> 00:57:55,681 but one thing is crystal clear in my mind 1482 00:57:55,764 --> 00:57:57,266 and it's what the endgame is. 1483 00:57:57,349 --> 00:57:59,351 Oh, really? So that's what the bag in your... 1484 00:57:59,435 --> 00:58:01,854 No. Do not make this about me. 1485 00:58:01,937 --> 00:58:03,480 This is about you. 1486 00:58:03,564 --> 00:58:06,650 You wanted me to remember you're funny, right? 1487 00:58:06,734 --> 00:58:08,485 That night? 1488 00:58:08,569 --> 00:58:10,321 You didn't want me to think of you as just a girl. 1489 00:58:10,404 --> 00:58:12,948 You wanted me to think of you as a comic. 1490 00:58:13,032 --> 00:58:15,659 Well, don't you forget that I'm a comic, too. 1491 00:58:15,743 --> 00:58:17,494 Don't you dare look at me as someone to be pitied 1492 00:58:17,578 --> 00:58:18,829 or helped or fixed. 1493 00:58:18,913 --> 00:58:21,207 I do not want or need that, especially from you. 1494 00:58:21,290 --> 00:58:23,375 - I don't want to fix you. - Ninety percent of this game 1495 00:58:23,459 --> 00:58:25,878 is how they see you. 1496 00:58:25,961 --> 00:58:27,671 They see you hanging with Tony Bennett, 1497 00:58:27,755 --> 00:58:29,256 they think you deserve to be there. 1498 00:58:29,340 --> 00:58:30,507 They see you hauled off to jail 1499 00:58:30,591 --> 00:58:32,176 for saying "fuck" at a strip club, 1500 00:58:32,259 --> 00:58:33,761 they think you deserve that also. 1501 00:58:33,844 --> 00:58:35,721 Wise up. 1502 00:58:38,015 --> 00:58:39,516 I'm not hiding. 1503 00:58:39,600 --> 00:58:40,684 I have a plan. 1504 00:58:40,768 --> 00:58:42,228 Don't plan! 1505 00:58:42,311 --> 00:58:43,979 Work. 1506 00:58:44,063 --> 00:58:46,398 Just work and keep working. 1507 00:58:47,524 --> 00:58:49,777 There is a moment in this business, 1508 00:58:49,860 --> 00:58:51,362 window's open. 1509 00:58:51,445 --> 00:58:53,197 If you miss it, it closes. 1510 00:58:53,280 --> 00:58:54,323 Just don't... 1511 00:58:58,494 --> 00:59:01,163 If you blow this, Midge, I swear... 1512 00:59:09,296 --> 00:59:12,049 ...you will break my fucking heart. 1513 00:59:16,595 --> 00:59:18,597 [chatter, laughter in distance] 1514 00:59:29,817 --> 00:59:33,570 - ♪ Cuckoo, cuckoo ♪ - [♪ Alexander Wells: "Friday Afternoons, Op. 7: Cuckoo!"] 1515 00:59:33,654 --> 00:59:37,324 - ♪ Cuckoo, cuckoo ♪ - ♪ What do you do? ♪ 1516 00:59:37,408 --> 00:59:41,078 - [wind howling] - ♪ Cuckoo, cuckoo ♪ 1517 00:59:41,161 --> 00:59:43,080 ♪ In April ♪ 1518 00:59:43,163 --> 00:59:45,082 ♪ I open my bill ♪ 1519 00:59:45,165 --> 00:59:46,834 ♪ In May ♪ 1520 00:59:46,917 --> 00:59:48,919 ♪ I sing night and day ♪ 1521 00:59:49,003 --> 00:59:50,838 ♪ In June ♪ 1522 00:59:50,921 --> 00:59:54,466 - ♪ I change my tune ♪ - [grunting] 1523 00:59:54,550 --> 00:59:57,636 ♪ In July, far, far I fly ♪ 1524 00:59:57,720 --> 00:59:59,680 ♪ In August ♪ 1525 00:59:59,763 --> 01:00:03,142 ♪ Away ♪ 1526 01:00:03,225 --> 01:00:06,395 [grunting] 1527 01:00:06,478 --> 01:00:08,397 ♪ I must ♪ 1528 01:00:08,480 --> 01:00:10,482 [wind howling] 1529 01:00:12,901 --> 01:00:17,156 ♪ Cuckoo, cuckoo ♪ 1530 01:00:17,239 --> 01:00:20,117 - ♪ What do you do? ♪ - [lively chatter] 1531 01:00:20,200 --> 01:00:22,369 - [group] ♪ Come on ♪ - [woman] Kennedy/Johnson! 1532 01:00:22,453 --> 01:00:24,830 - [honking] - We did it! - ♪ And vote for Kennedy ♪ 1533 01:00:24,913 --> 01:00:26,582 - ♪ Vote for Kennedy ♪ - [cheering] 1534 01:00:26,665 --> 01:00:29,543 - ♪ And we'll come out on top ♪ - [whooping] 1535 01:00:29,626 --> 01:00:31,920 ♪ Oops, there goes the opp... 1536 01:00:32,004 --> 01:00:34,757 ♪ Cuckoo, cuckoo ♪ 1537 01:00:34,840 --> 01:00:37,009 - [panting] - ♪ In June ♪ 1538 01:00:37,092 --> 01:00:39,678 ♪ I change my tune ♪ 1539 01:00:39,762 --> 01:00:43,182 ♪ In July, far, far I fly ♪ 1540 01:00:43,265 --> 01:00:45,517 ♪ In August ♪ 1541 01:00:45,601 --> 01:00:51,774 ♪ Away ♪ 1542 01:00:51,857 --> 01:00:57,237 - ♪ I must ♪ - ♪ Cuckoo, cuckoo ♪ 1543 01:00:57,321 --> 01:01:00,741 ♪ Cuckoo, cuckoo ♪ 1544 01:01:00,824 --> 01:01:03,952 ♪ Cuckoo ♪ 1545 01:01:04,036 --> 01:01:10,876 ♪ Cuckoo ♪♪ 1546 01:01:18,384 --> 01:01:20,386 [♪ Sparks: "How Do I Get to Carnegie Hall?"] 1547 01:01:22,471 --> 01:01:24,515 ♪ How do I get to Carnegie Hall? ♪ 1548 01:01:26,558 --> 01:01:28,352 ♪ How do I get to Carnegie Hall? ♪ 1549 01:01:30,396 --> 01:01:32,356 ♪ How do I get to Carnegie Hall? ♪ 1550 01:01:34,400 --> 01:01:36,360 ♪ How do I get to Carnegie Hall? ♪ 1551 01:01:38,404 --> 01:01:40,322 ♪ Practice, man, practice ♪ 1552 01:01:40,406 --> 01:01:42,324 ♪ Practice, man, practice ♪ 1553 01:01:42,408 --> 01:01:44,326 ♪ Practice, man, practice ♪ 1554 01:01:44,410 --> 01:01:46,328 ♪ Practice, man, practice ♪ 1555 01:01:46,412 --> 01:01:48,330 ♪ How do I get to Carnegie Hall? ♪ 1556 01:01:48,414 --> 01:01:50,332 ♪ Practice, man, practice ♪ 1557 01:01:50,416 --> 01:01:52,334 ♪ How do I get to Carnegie Hall? ♪ 1558 01:01:52,418 --> 01:01:54,294 ♪ Practice, man, practice ♪ 1559 01:01:54,378 --> 01:01:56,296 ♪ To get yourself to Carnegie Hall ♪ 1560 01:01:56,380 --> 01:01:58,298 ♪ Practice, man, practice ♪ 1561 01:01:58,382 --> 01:02:00,300 ♪ How do I get to Carnegie Hall? ♪ 1562 01:02:00,384 --> 01:02:02,302 ♪ Carnegie Hall, Carnegie Hall ♪ 1563 01:02:02,386 --> 01:02:06,306 ♪ Technical facility ♪ 1564 01:02:06,390 --> 01:02:10,269 ♪ Old-word sensibility ♪ 1565 01:02:10,352 --> 01:02:12,229 ♪ All of this ♪ 1566 01:02:12,312 --> 01:02:14,231 ♪ I did for you ♪ 1567 01:02:14,314 --> 01:02:16,233 ♪ Still there is ♪ 1568 01:02:16,316 --> 01:02:18,235 ♪ No sign of you ♪ 1569 01:02:18,318 --> 01:02:20,195 ♪ I practiced, I practiced ♪ 1570 01:02:20,279 --> 01:02:22,197 ♪ Carnegie Hall was beckoning ♪ 1571 01:02:22,281 --> 01:02:24,199 ♪ I practiced, I practiced ♪ 1572 01:02:24,283 --> 01:02:26,201 ♪ Carnegie Hall was beckoning ♪ 1573 01:02:26,285 --> 01:02:28,203 ♪ I was ready, I was ready ♪ 1574 01:02:28,287 --> 01:02:30,205 ♪ Carnegie Hall was beckoning ♪ 1575 01:02:30,289 --> 01:02:32,207 ♪ Still there is ♪ 1576 01:02:32,291 --> 01:02:34,209 ♪ No sign of you ♪ 1577 01:02:34,293 --> 01:02:36,211 ♪ Still there is ♪ 1578 01:02:36,295 --> 01:02:38,255 ♪ No sign of you ♪ 1579 01:02:41,300 --> 01:02:44,219 ♪ Steinway, Steinway, Steinway ♪ 1580 01:02:44,303 --> 01:02:46,221 ♪ Steinway, Steinway ♪ 1581 01:02:46,305 --> 01:02:49,224 ♪ Steinway, Steinway, Steinway ♪ 1582 01:02:49,308 --> 01:02:51,226 ♪ How do I get to Carnegie Hall? ♪ 1583 01:02:51,310 --> 01:02:53,228 ♪ Practice, man, practice ♪ 1584 01:02:53,312 --> 01:02:55,230 ♪ How do I get to Carnegie Hall? ♪ 1585 01:02:55,314 --> 01:02:57,232 ♪ Practice, man, practice ♪ 1586 01:02:57,316 --> 01:02:59,234 ♪ To get yourself to Carnegie Hall ♪ 1587 01:02:59,318 --> 01:03:01,236 ♪ Practice, man, practice ♪ 1588 01:03:01,320 --> 01:03:03,238 ♪ How do I get to Carnegie Hall? ♪ 1589 01:03:03,322 --> 01:03:05,157 ♪ Carnegie Hall, Carnegie Hall ♪ 1590 01:03:05,240 --> 01:03:07,159 ♪ Practice on the Steinway ♪ 1591 01:03:07,242 --> 01:03:09,119 ♪ Practice on the Steinway ♪ 1592 01:03:09,203 --> 01:03:11,121 ♪ Practice on the Steinway ♪ 1593 01:03:11,205 --> 01:03:13,123 ♪ Practice on the Steinway ♪ 1594 01:03:13,207 --> 01:03:15,125 ♪ Practice on the Steinway ♪ 1595 01:03:15,209 --> 01:03:17,127 ♪ Practice on the Steinway ♪ 1596 01:03:17,211 --> 01:03:18,212 ♪ Practice ♪ 1597 01:03:19,338 --> 01:03:20,297 ♪ Practice ♪ 1598 01:03:21,340 --> 01:03:23,258 ♪ They loved it, they showed it ♪ 1599 01:03:23,342 --> 01:03:25,260 ♪ The audience was deafening ♪ 1600 01:03:25,344 --> 01:03:27,262 ♪ I was ready, I was ready ♪ 1601 01:03:27,346 --> 01:03:29,264 ♪ The critics all said, "Riveting" ♪ 1602 01:03:29,348 --> 01:03:31,266 ♪ On the Steinway, on the Steinway ♪ 1603 01:03:31,350 --> 01:03:33,268 ♪ I guess it doesn't mean a thing ♪ 1604 01:03:33,352 --> 01:03:35,270 - ♪ How do I get to Carnegie Hall? ♪ - ♪ Still there is ♪ 1605 01:03:35,354 --> 01:03:37,272 ♪ No sign of you ♪ 1606 01:03:37,356 --> 01:03:39,274 - ♪ How do I get to Carnegie Hall? ♪ - ♪ Still there is ♪ 1607 01:03:39,358 --> 01:03:41,235 ♪ No sign of you ♪ 1608 01:03:41,318 --> 01:03:43,153 ♪ How do I get to Carnegie Hall? ♪ 1609 01:03:43,237 --> 01:03:45,155 ♪ How do I get to Carnegie Hall? ♪ 1610 01:03:45,239 --> 01:03:47,157 ♪ Practice, man, practice ♪ 1611 01:03:47,241 --> 01:03:49,201 ♪ Practice, man, practice ♪♪