1 00:00:06,257 --> 00:00:07,883 [Midge] I met him in the park. 2 00:00:07,967 --> 00:00:09,301 I always walk Ethan through the park 3 00:00:09,385 --> 00:00:10,678 on the way to kindergarten. 4 00:00:10,761 --> 00:00:12,304 It gives us a little time together, 5 00:00:12,388 --> 00:00:13,848 and I love the fresh air. 6 00:00:13,931 --> 00:00:16,392 His dog said hello first. 7 00:00:16,475 --> 00:00:18,144 Then he said hello. 8 00:00:18,227 --> 00:00:20,479 ♪ Autumn in New York... 9 00:00:20,563 --> 00:00:22,022 And I liked him. 10 00:00:22,106 --> 00:00:23,315 Pretty instantly. 11 00:00:23,399 --> 00:00:25,651 He was good-looking, smart. 12 00:00:25,735 --> 00:00:27,111 You can tell by the eyes. 13 00:00:27,194 --> 00:00:28,821 I apologized for kidnapping his pooch, 14 00:00:28,904 --> 00:00:31,282 and he flashed this amazing smile. 15 00:00:31,365 --> 00:00:34,744 From then on, we ran into him a lot. 16 00:00:34,827 --> 00:00:36,162 Pretty much every day. 17 00:00:36,245 --> 00:00:38,622 Pretty much on purpose. 18 00:00:38,706 --> 00:00:42,334 - ♪ ♪ - [dialogue inaudible] 19 00:00:42,418 --> 00:00:45,921 One time he brought me a flower he picked along the way. 20 00:00:46,005 --> 00:00:48,799 It was pretty. He was pretty. 21 00:00:48,883 --> 00:00:50,676 The flirting was pretty intense from both sides. 22 00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:51,761 - [children squealing] - [Susie] Hold it. 23 00:00:51,844 --> 00:00:54,013 All morning, this has been going on. 24 00:00:54,096 --> 00:00:57,433 - [laughing] - I only talked to him because he phoned and I picked up. 25 00:00:57,516 --> 00:00:58,893 How could I know not to pick up 26 00:00:58,976 --> 00:01:00,394 - when I don't know it's him calling? - Dinah. 27 00:01:00,478 --> 00:01:02,313 That's dumb, Frank. You're being dumb. Don't be dumb. 28 00:01:02,396 --> 00:01:05,608 - Dinah. - Hold on. Alfie's tech rehearsal is all set for 12:30. 29 00:01:05,691 --> 00:01:06,901 - [door closes] - That was my boss. 30 00:01:06,984 --> 00:01:08,235 It was my boss! 31 00:01:08,319 --> 00:01:09,695 - Dinah, hang up. - Talk to him? 32 00:01:09,779 --> 00:01:11,030 He'll hang up if he knows I'm at work. 33 00:01:11,113 --> 00:01:12,698 - He thinks I'm with Hank. - This isn't Hank? 34 00:01:12,782 --> 00:01:14,283 It's Frank. Hank's my other boyfriend. 35 00:01:14,366 --> 00:01:15,493 Christ. Hank. 36 00:01:15,618 --> 00:01:17,203 - Frank. - Frank, Dinah's at work. 37 00:01:17,286 --> 00:01:19,288 Go away. 38 00:01:19,330 --> 00:01:20,623 - Satisfied? - [door opens] 39 00:01:20,706 --> 00:01:22,917 No, that wasn't a man. It was my boss, Susie. 40 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:24,418 - [door closes] - She's a woman! 41 00:01:24,502 --> 00:01:26,921 I'm done talking to you, Frank. Goodbye. 42 00:01:27,004 --> 00:01:28,380 - [phone slams in cradle] - Continue. 43 00:01:28,464 --> 00:01:31,091 One day, Ethan had a day off from school. 44 00:01:31,175 --> 00:01:34,720 Zelda stayed with the kids, and I hit the park by myself, 45 00:01:34,804 --> 00:01:36,013 hoping to run into him. 46 00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:37,848 And I did. 47 00:01:37,932 --> 00:01:40,226 ♪ It's autumn in New York... 48 00:01:40,309 --> 00:01:42,394 This time, we sat and talked for an hour. 49 00:01:42,478 --> 00:01:44,980 He told me about his work, his hobbies, 50 00:01:45,064 --> 00:01:46,899 his love of French films. 51 00:01:46,982 --> 00:01:48,859 I was sure about it. 52 00:01:48,943 --> 00:01:50,528 This time, he's asking me out. 53 00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:54,365 And I did everything I could to encourage it. 54 00:01:54,448 --> 00:01:56,450 But he never pulled the trigger. 55 00:01:56,534 --> 00:01:58,786 I thought about asking him out, but I haven't asked out a guy 56 00:01:58,869 --> 00:02:01,455 since that disastrous experience on Sadie Hawkins Day. 57 00:02:01,539 --> 00:02:02,498 [Susie] Wait, wait, wait. 58 00:02:02,581 --> 00:02:04,124 What the hell is Sadie Hawkins Day? 59 00:02:04,208 --> 00:02:05,960 The day where the girls ask out the boys. 60 00:02:06,043 --> 00:02:09,463 And I was all ready to ask Jacob Fineman to the big dance. 61 00:02:09,547 --> 00:02:11,465 God, was I in love with him. 62 00:02:11,549 --> 00:02:15,135 That day, I'm standing outside the temple with two RC Colas, 63 00:02:15,219 --> 00:02:18,055 and he's walking towards me in his brand-new... 64 00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:20,683 Hold it! Do not start telling a different goddamn story! 65 00:02:20,766 --> 00:02:21,767 There's no time. 66 00:02:21,851 --> 00:02:22,935 Fine. 67 00:02:23,018 --> 00:02:24,854 So, this morning, I'm back in the park, 68 00:02:24,937 --> 00:02:26,021 without Ethan. 69 00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:27,064 And there he is, 70 00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:28,566 without his dog. 71 00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:31,652 This time, he tells me how much he loves coffee. 72 00:02:31,735 --> 00:02:33,195 Said there was a place nearby 73 00:02:33,279 --> 00:02:35,406 that had the best espresso in the city. 74 00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:37,283 And he asked me if I was up for some. 75 00:02:37,366 --> 00:02:39,076 I said, "Now?" 76 00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:41,245 And he said, "Now." 77 00:02:41,328 --> 00:02:43,455 So he led the way. 78 00:02:43,539 --> 00:02:45,082 But the place was closed. 79 00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:46,959 They were remodeling or something. 80 00:02:47,042 --> 00:02:48,669 Just my luck. 81 00:02:48,752 --> 00:02:51,422 Then he said he has a great espresso machine at his place 82 00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:53,340 that he imported all the way from Naples, 83 00:02:53,424 --> 00:02:55,384 and it's just around the corner. 84 00:02:55,467 --> 00:02:56,594 Oh, boy. 85 00:02:56,677 --> 00:02:58,554 I have never done this, but I thought, 86 00:02:58,637 --> 00:03:00,472 "You only live once, Midge." 87 00:03:00,556 --> 00:03:01,891 And I was wearing some nice underwear, 88 00:03:01,974 --> 00:03:03,267 so what the hell? 89 00:03:03,350 --> 00:03:04,768 He led the way. 90 00:03:04,852 --> 00:03:05,853 [♪ Ella Fitzgerald: "You've Got What Gets Me"] 91 00:03:05,936 --> 00:03:07,938 Things happened fast after that. 92 00:03:10,482 --> 00:03:11,400 [whoops] 93 00:03:11,483 --> 00:03:12,818 It had been a while. 94 00:03:12,902 --> 00:03:14,403 Not since Benjamin. 95 00:03:14,486 --> 00:03:16,739 I felt a kind of catharsis. 96 00:03:16,822 --> 00:03:18,949 The thrill of spontaneity. 97 00:03:19,033 --> 00:03:22,036 I realized that I hadn't been spontaneous enough in my life. 98 00:03:22,119 --> 00:03:24,914 Too much stop, not enough go. 99 00:03:24,997 --> 00:03:27,041 And I realized that I liked this feeling, 100 00:03:27,124 --> 00:03:30,127 and I wanted to keep feeling this feeling. 101 00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:31,921 - But then... - [woman shrieks] 102 00:03:32,004 --> 00:03:34,882 - [gasps] - Complete chaos. - Oh, my God. Oh, my God! 103 00:03:34,965 --> 00:03:36,842 - Are you goddamn kidding me? - [barking] 104 00:03:36,926 --> 00:03:38,761 - The hell are you doing here? - What am I doing here? 105 00:03:38,844 --> 00:03:40,638 Who is this? Some slut from the steno pool? 106 00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:42,222 She is not from the steno pool! 107 00:03:42,306 --> 00:03:43,891 [Midge] The guy's married. 108 00:03:43,974 --> 00:03:45,559 He's yelling, she's yelling, 109 00:03:45,643 --> 00:03:47,853 the dog is barking its head off, and I'm stuck. 110 00:03:47,937 --> 00:03:50,648 I'm completely naked and there's only one way out of the room 111 00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:52,900 and my clothes are nowhere near me. 112 00:03:52,983 --> 00:03:54,860 So I grabbed what I could and ran. 113 00:03:54,944 --> 00:03:57,029 I could still hear them yelling at each other from the cab. 114 00:03:57,112 --> 00:04:00,032 - It was insane. - You know what, draw up a list of every guy you slept with! 115 00:04:00,115 --> 00:04:01,951 Otherwise, we're gonna be here all goddamn day. 116 00:04:03,327 --> 00:04:04,620 Okay. So? 117 00:04:04,703 --> 00:04:05,913 What do you think? 118 00:04:05,996 --> 00:04:08,666 I want my goddamn dress back. 119 00:04:08,749 --> 00:04:10,501 ♪ ♪ 120 00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:12,378 [indistinct chatter] 121 00:04:12,461 --> 00:04:14,171 Walk like it's just an everyday thing. 122 00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:16,173 Cool and casual, like you're heading to the subway. 123 00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:18,050 Darn, I was gonna skip like a schoolgirl. 124 00:04:18,133 --> 00:04:19,593 - Arch. - I got this. Relax. 125 00:04:19,677 --> 00:04:21,470 A block and a half down. North side of the street. 126 00:04:21,553 --> 00:04:22,972 - I know where it is. - Ask for Cheng. 127 00:04:23,055 --> 00:04:24,807 He's the best teller and he speaks English. 128 00:04:24,890 --> 00:04:26,976 - He does all my deposits. - You already said that. 129 00:04:27,059 --> 00:04:28,602 I just don't like cash sitting around the club, 130 00:04:28,686 --> 00:04:30,479 and I haven't found my good hiding spots yet. 131 00:04:30,562 --> 00:04:31,605 The desk is too obvious. 132 00:04:31,689 --> 00:04:32,856 Everyone looks in the booze crates. 133 00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:34,775 The rats can get to it in the rafters. 134 00:04:34,858 --> 00:04:36,485 I think I'm gonna have to jackhammer a hole in the floor 135 00:04:36,568 --> 00:04:37,611 and then hide it with a rug. 136 00:04:37,695 --> 00:04:38,946 And, yes, I've just become my mother. 137 00:04:39,029 --> 00:04:40,614 Go back inside. I got this. 138 00:04:40,698 --> 00:04:41,865 Okay, thanks. 139 00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:43,701 - See you tonight. - See you tonight. 140 00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:45,536 [engine roaring] 141 00:04:49,665 --> 00:04:50,708 Hey! 142 00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:53,502 [jackhammering] 143 00:04:53,585 --> 00:04:55,379 Oh, my. That's wonderful. 144 00:04:55,462 --> 00:04:56,839 I'll take two ounces of that. 145 00:04:56,922 --> 00:04:58,507 Great choice. It's our most aromatic blend. 146 00:04:58,590 --> 00:05:00,217 I'm going to look around a bit more, 147 00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,594 maybe pick up some cigars for the boys at the office. 148 00:05:02,678 --> 00:05:04,471 I'll wrap this up for you. 149 00:05:04,555 --> 00:05:08,809 [man] Yes, well, uh, we have a fine, fine cigar... 150 00:05:08,892 --> 00:05:11,270 Good morning, sir. Are you enjoying your day? 151 00:05:11,353 --> 00:05:12,604 Very much. Thank you. 152 00:05:12,688 --> 00:05:15,065 And there's more days you'd like to enjoy? 153 00:05:15,149 --> 00:05:16,692 I beg your pardon? 154 00:05:16,775 --> 00:05:18,777 I insist on feeding my family. 155 00:05:18,861 --> 00:05:20,487 So when my livelihood is threatened, 156 00:05:20,571 --> 00:05:22,072 I threaten back. 157 00:05:22,156 --> 00:05:23,949 That's understandable. 158 00:05:24,033 --> 00:05:25,701 There's a line in the Torah: 159 00:05:25,784 --> 00:05:27,786 "fuck with me and you die." 160 00:05:27,870 --> 00:05:30,247 Have a think on this. 161 00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:32,291 I will. But, for now, 162 00:05:32,374 --> 00:05:34,668 I'm going to move to another part of the store. 163 00:05:34,752 --> 00:05:36,628 Nice talking to you. 164 00:05:36,712 --> 00:05:39,298 [man] This one has a really nice frame and shape to it. 165 00:05:39,381 --> 00:05:41,133 - Hello to you, sir. - Hello. 166 00:05:41,216 --> 00:05:42,885 Oh, do you have a moment? 167 00:05:42,968 --> 00:05:46,346 I'd like to discuss matchmaking. 168 00:05:46,430 --> 00:05:47,890 Oh. Sure. 169 00:05:47,973 --> 00:05:49,892 It's got quite the lively history. 170 00:05:49,975 --> 00:05:53,145 The first matches date back to 14th century China. 171 00:05:53,228 --> 00:05:55,272 They dipped pine sticks in sulfur... 172 00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:59,443 I meant the kind your bony wife is engaged in. 173 00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:01,612 - My... - You're Abe Weissman, aren't you? 174 00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:03,155 Husband of Rose, 175 00:06:03,238 --> 00:06:05,032 father to Miriam, 176 00:06:05,115 --> 00:06:09,787 grandfather to Ethan, Esther and Chaim. 177 00:06:09,870 --> 00:06:13,540 Oh, you know, I have nothing to do with what my wife does. 178 00:06:13,624 --> 00:06:16,627 But you have influence. 179 00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:17,920 You're the man, aren't you? 180 00:06:18,003 --> 00:06:19,129 I suppose. 181 00:06:19,213 --> 00:06:21,507 Unless we take your manhood from you. 182 00:06:21,590 --> 00:06:23,092 Who are you? 183 00:06:23,175 --> 00:06:24,384 Doesn't matter. 184 00:06:24,468 --> 00:06:25,886 Just tell your wife to stop. 185 00:06:25,969 --> 00:06:28,055 - Stop. - Stop now. 186 00:06:28,138 --> 00:06:29,556 Stop? Sure. 187 00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:32,392 Uh, could you just answer one little question for me? 188 00:06:32,476 --> 00:06:35,562 - Yes. - Are there any more of you outside? 189 00:06:35,646 --> 00:06:37,147 Just us. 190 00:06:37,231 --> 00:06:40,067 ♪ ♪ 191 00:06:40,150 --> 00:06:43,237 - Sir! Your tobacco! - Keep it! 192 00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:46,115 - [♪ The Everly Brothers: "So Sad (to Watch Love Go Bad)"] - ♪ We used to have ♪ 193 00:06:46,198 --> 00:06:49,493 ♪ Good times together... 194 00:06:49,576 --> 00:06:50,786 You already ordered? 195 00:06:50,869 --> 00:06:52,371 - Yeah. - Why? 196 00:06:52,454 --> 00:06:54,498 Well, you're late and I have to be at Susie's at 11:00, 197 00:06:54,581 --> 00:06:55,666 so I ordered for both of us. 198 00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:57,584 It's ice-cold. And you're always late. 199 00:06:57,668 --> 00:06:59,461 Except today. 200 00:06:59,545 --> 00:07:01,421 I don't even want this. I just want eggs. 201 00:07:01,505 --> 00:07:02,506 Then get some eggs. 202 00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:04,383 And throw all this away, like I'm Henry VIII? 203 00:07:04,466 --> 00:07:06,760 Yes. Just don't behead me. 204 00:07:08,262 --> 00:07:09,721 Want to go out and come back in again? 205 00:07:09,805 --> 00:07:12,224 No. It's just... 206 00:07:12,307 --> 00:07:13,809 everything's crazy. 207 00:07:13,892 --> 00:07:15,060 - I know. - That bag of cash. 208 00:07:15,144 --> 00:07:17,146 I never should've trusted it to Archie. 209 00:07:17,229 --> 00:07:20,357 - It wasn't his fault. - He was holding it like it was takeout from Junior's. 210 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:21,525 So amateur. 211 00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:22,609 You want me to question Imogene, 212 00:07:22,693 --> 00:07:23,902 see if it was an inside job? 213 00:07:23,986 --> 00:07:25,362 It's gonna make money tight. 214 00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:27,197 We'll figure it out. 215 00:07:27,281 --> 00:07:29,283 Excuse me. Could we get three eggs scrambled 216 00:07:29,366 --> 00:07:31,160 - and some fresh coffee? - You got it. 217 00:07:31,243 --> 00:07:33,662 Here. From Ma and Pop. 218 00:07:33,745 --> 00:07:35,539 Potential Halloween costumes for the kids. 219 00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:37,207 Ladies at the factory worked 'em up. 220 00:07:40,377 --> 00:07:42,254 - Now what? - Bonnie and Clyde. 221 00:07:42,337 --> 00:07:43,505 Romeo and Juliet. 222 00:07:43,589 --> 00:07:45,549 - These are couples. - So? 223 00:07:45,632 --> 00:07:47,176 Couples who... 224 00:07:47,259 --> 00:07:48,177 you know. 225 00:07:48,260 --> 00:07:49,636 Ew. Don't even imply that. 226 00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:50,637 It's our children. 227 00:07:50,721 --> 00:07:51,763 Tarzan and Jane? 228 00:07:51,847 --> 00:07:53,432 You really want to put your son in a loincloth? 229 00:07:53,515 --> 00:07:55,017 What is with you today? 230 00:07:55,100 --> 00:07:56,894 What is with you? 231 00:08:00,105 --> 00:08:01,481 Is it just the money? 232 00:08:01,565 --> 00:08:03,734 Yes. Of course. Just the money. 233 00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:04,985 Only you would say "just the money." 234 00:08:05,068 --> 00:08:06,320 Joel. 235 00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:08,071 [sighs] 236 00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:10,866 ♪ When I know for certain... 237 00:08:10,949 --> 00:08:12,409 [exhales] We're having a baby. 238 00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:14,036 Who is? 239 00:08:14,119 --> 00:08:15,329 Me and Mei. 240 00:08:15,412 --> 00:08:17,873 We're having a baby. 241 00:08:17,956 --> 00:08:19,291 Wow. 242 00:08:20,292 --> 00:08:21,293 Wow. 243 00:08:21,376 --> 00:08:22,961 Add a couple of hundred wows for me. 244 00:08:23,045 --> 00:08:24,630 I assume it was a surprise? 245 00:08:24,713 --> 00:08:25,631 You could say that. 246 00:08:25,714 --> 00:08:27,466 Anything else? 247 00:08:30,344 --> 00:08:32,137 - So what's the plan? - It's brand-new. 248 00:08:32,221 --> 00:08:33,889 - That's not a plan. - We just found out. 249 00:08:33,972 --> 00:08:35,057 Again, not a plan. 250 00:08:35,140 --> 00:08:36,058 What do you want to know, Midge? 251 00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:37,142 The color of the nursery? 252 00:08:37,226 --> 00:08:38,143 Which college it's going to? 253 00:08:38,227 --> 00:08:40,145 I get to know something, Joel. 254 00:08:40,229 --> 00:08:42,022 This is gonna affect me and the kids a lot. 255 00:08:42,105 --> 00:08:43,232 - I know. - I mean, 256 00:08:43,315 --> 00:08:44,942 - what have you discussed? - Nothing. 257 00:08:45,025 --> 00:08:47,319 She's not even here. She's interviewing for her residency. 258 00:08:47,402 --> 00:08:49,404 - Out of town? - Yeah. 259 00:08:49,488 --> 00:08:51,990 What happens if she lands somewhere else? Do you move? 260 00:08:52,074 --> 00:08:53,450 I've got the club. You know I can't move. 261 00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:54,701 Does she know that? 262 00:08:54,785 --> 00:08:56,286 You know, I didn't have to tell you this. 263 00:08:56,370 --> 00:08:58,163 That my kids are gonna have a stepmom? 264 00:08:58,247 --> 00:08:59,873 - Really? I didn't need to know this? - These are cold. 265 00:08:59,957 --> 00:09:01,291 I'd find out when I run into the two of you 266 00:09:01,375 --> 00:09:02,501 pushing a stroller? 267 00:09:02,584 --> 00:09:04,503 You know, forget this. 268 00:09:04,586 --> 00:09:05,545 Forget we ever spoke. 269 00:09:05,629 --> 00:09:07,631 Joel, wait! 270 00:09:15,430 --> 00:09:17,099 You can't be mad at me for asking questions. 271 00:09:17,182 --> 00:09:19,309 Those aren't questions. They're the fucking third degree. 272 00:09:19,393 --> 00:09:22,271 I know nothing about this girl except she's gonna be a doctor. 273 00:09:22,354 --> 00:09:23,939 - That's right. - What kind of doctor? 274 00:09:24,022 --> 00:09:26,650 Foot doctor? Brain doctor? Eye doctor? Kid doctor? 275 00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:27,943 Just a doctor doctor. 276 00:09:28,026 --> 00:09:29,486 You seem to know nothing about this girl. 277 00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:31,321 Does she even have a last name? Doctor what? 278 00:09:31,405 --> 00:09:33,240 - Lin. - One "N" or two? 279 00:09:33,323 --> 00:09:34,283 One. 280 00:09:34,366 --> 00:09:35,701 You had to think about it? 281 00:09:35,784 --> 00:09:37,411 She'll change her name to Maisel. 282 00:09:37,494 --> 00:09:38,870 So you're getting married? 283 00:09:38,954 --> 00:09:40,539 Would it kill you to be happy for me? 284 00:09:40,622 --> 00:09:42,791 - You need to be happy first. - I'm happy. 285 00:09:42,874 --> 00:09:45,419 Okay? I'm happy! This is happy! 286 00:09:45,502 --> 00:09:47,379 When are you telling Moishe and Shirley? 287 00:09:47,462 --> 00:09:49,339 - How do you know I haven't? - Because I was on the phone 288 00:09:49,423 --> 00:09:50,716 with Shirley for half an hour last night, 289 00:09:50,799 --> 00:09:52,467 and the bulk of the conversation was about instant yeast 290 00:09:52,551 --> 00:09:54,136 and that sexy Robert Goulet. 291 00:09:54,219 --> 00:09:55,679 They don't know yet. So don't say anything. 292 00:09:55,762 --> 00:09:57,514 She may be showing the next time they see her. 293 00:09:57,597 --> 00:09:59,016 They haven't met her yet. 294 00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:00,267 They hav... 295 00:10:00,350 --> 00:10:01,893 Do you have a handle on this? 296 00:10:01,977 --> 00:10:02,978 At all? 297 00:10:03,061 --> 00:10:04,438 God, 298 00:10:04,521 --> 00:10:06,565 Joel, what have you gotten yourself into? 299 00:10:06,648 --> 00:10:08,608 I want to get off this street. 300 00:10:08,692 --> 00:10:10,652 Are you really getting married? 301 00:10:11,695 --> 00:10:14,197 She and I are gonna work out the logistics when she gets back. 302 00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:15,699 I will keep you in the loop. 303 00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:17,659 And prospective parents tend to get married. 304 00:10:17,743 --> 00:10:20,620 - Okay. - Don't mention this to anyone till I say you can. 305 00:10:20,704 --> 00:10:21,872 Yes, sir. 306 00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:23,540 That wasn't a command. 307 00:10:24,541 --> 00:10:26,001 I'll see you later. 308 00:10:26,084 --> 00:10:27,502 And I'll talk to Pop about the costumes. 309 00:10:27,586 --> 00:10:29,254 [clang] 310 00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:37,220 - Abe? - [panting] 311 00:10:37,304 --> 00:10:38,847 Away from the door. Away from the door. 312 00:10:38,930 --> 00:10:40,682 - Why? - Is that back door locked? 313 00:10:40,766 --> 00:10:42,768 Yes. What's wrong? You're sweating. 314 00:10:42,851 --> 00:10:44,978 Quiet. Whisper. Mime it if you can. 315 00:10:45,062 --> 00:10:46,897 - Abe. - The little one, Rose. 316 00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:48,398 - The little one. - What little one? 317 00:10:48,482 --> 00:10:50,609 The tiny Jewish one. Moloch in pearls. 318 00:10:50,692 --> 00:10:54,404 The big one. Irish, with hands that crush. 319 00:10:54,488 --> 00:10:55,655 They were in the store. 320 00:10:55,739 --> 00:10:56,656 What store? 321 00:10:56,740 --> 00:10:57,908 My tobacco store. 322 00:10:57,991 --> 00:10:59,910 Apparently, you're a matchmaker? 323 00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:01,536 Abe, I've been a matchmaker all these months. 324 00:11:01,620 --> 00:11:02,746 You knew that. 325 00:11:02,829 --> 00:11:04,122 Well, they're matchmakers, too. 326 00:11:04,206 --> 00:11:06,375 And they want you to stop. 327 00:11:06,458 --> 00:11:08,877 That's what they said. In no uncertain terms 328 00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:10,796 and intimidating accents. 329 00:11:10,879 --> 00:11:11,922 Stop. 330 00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:13,507 Your coat is ripped. Did they hurt you? 331 00:11:13,590 --> 00:11:18,387 No. But I was afraid they would follow me from the store, 332 00:11:18,470 --> 00:11:20,806 so I did everything I could to shake them. 333 00:11:20,889 --> 00:11:23,517 I serpentined my way through streets, 334 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,310 ran into random shops, 335 00:11:25,394 --> 00:11:27,437 - dove between cars. - Oh, my God. 336 00:11:27,521 --> 00:11:28,814 Then I... 337 00:11:30,982 --> 00:11:32,025 Abe? 338 00:11:32,109 --> 00:11:33,151 I... 339 00:11:33,235 --> 00:11:35,195 - You what? - [bell tolling] 340 00:11:35,278 --> 00:11:37,406 [Abe] I ducked into a Catholic church, 341 00:11:37,489 --> 00:11:39,032 thinking sanctuary, 342 00:11:39,116 --> 00:11:41,034 at least from the Irish one. 343 00:11:41,118 --> 00:11:42,869 I thought it would be empty, 344 00:11:42,953 --> 00:11:44,538 but they were in the middle of mass. 345 00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:49,042 The only sound in the room was this windy pipe organ. 346 00:11:49,126 --> 00:11:51,336 [organ playing] 347 00:11:51,420 --> 00:11:54,089 There was a long line of people headed up the aisle, 348 00:11:54,172 --> 00:11:56,550 so I joined it. 349 00:11:56,633 --> 00:11:58,343 I had no idea what it was for. 350 00:11:58,427 --> 00:12:00,804 I just moved along with it. 351 00:12:00,887 --> 00:12:02,180 Blend in-- 352 00:12:02,264 --> 00:12:04,307 that was the strategy. 353 00:12:05,350 --> 00:12:06,518 When I got to the front, 354 00:12:06,601 --> 00:12:08,603 everyone was kneeling. 355 00:12:08,687 --> 00:12:11,064 So I knelt, too. 356 00:12:12,149 --> 00:12:14,234 That's when I saw him. 357 00:12:14,317 --> 00:12:16,653 He was holding this silver cup. 358 00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:19,823 And in order not to look suspicious... 359 00:12:19,906 --> 00:12:21,074 Abe, 360 00:12:21,158 --> 00:12:23,034 - you didn't. - I took communion. 361 00:12:23,118 --> 00:12:24,953 - Oh, my God. - I think the priest 362 00:12:25,036 --> 00:12:26,037 was suspicious. 363 00:12:26,121 --> 00:12:28,457 Especially when he said, "The body of Christ" 364 00:12:28,540 --> 00:12:29,958 and I answered, "Mazel tov." 365 00:12:30,041 --> 00:12:30,959 My head is spinning. 366 00:12:31,042 --> 00:12:31,960 So, there I was, 367 00:12:32,043 --> 00:12:33,378 with a mouthful of Christ, 368 00:12:33,462 --> 00:12:35,422 wondering what the hell to do. 369 00:12:35,505 --> 00:12:38,008 I left immediately and took it out. 370 00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:40,510 And now... 371 00:12:40,594 --> 00:12:42,471 what do I do with it? 372 00:12:42,554 --> 00:12:44,306 Wrap it up in something. Set it aside. 373 00:12:44,389 --> 00:12:46,516 - We've got bigger worries. - They mentioned Miriam 374 00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:48,643 and the grandchildren by name. 375 00:12:48,727 --> 00:12:51,563 Go clean up. We will figure this out. 376 00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:59,613 I really appreciate you coming to this showcase yourself 377 00:12:59,696 --> 00:13:01,364 and not just sending an associate. 378 00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:03,533 You won't be sorry. Alfie's the best. 379 00:13:03,617 --> 00:13:04,701 - [knocking] - Don't come in! 380 00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:06,328 I said don't come in. 381 00:13:06,411 --> 00:13:07,537 Midge Maisel is here. 382 00:13:07,621 --> 00:13:09,080 [quietly] Now? She's early. 383 00:13:09,164 --> 00:13:11,875 Uh, so I'll see you Friday night, Mr. Glatter. 384 00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:13,543 Thank you. Tell Midge to wait. 385 00:13:13,627 --> 00:13:14,544 I'm here. 386 00:13:14,628 --> 00:13:15,545 I need her to wait! 387 00:13:15,629 --> 00:13:17,172 - Could you step outside? - Really? 388 00:13:17,255 --> 00:13:19,216 She's already in. Let her stay. 389 00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:21,635 - [crying] - Why is she crying? 390 00:13:21,718 --> 00:13:22,969 Why are you here? 391 00:13:23,053 --> 00:13:24,638 - We had an appointment. - At 1:00. 392 00:13:24,721 --> 00:13:27,390 No, at 11:00, and it's noon, so I'm an hour late. 393 00:13:27,474 --> 00:13:29,935 I told her 11:00 so she'd be here at noon! You said, 394 00:13:30,018 --> 00:13:32,020 "That fucking Miriam, she's always an hour fucking late 395 00:13:32,103 --> 00:13:33,939 because she doesn't give a shit about anyone but herself!" 396 00:13:34,022 --> 00:13:36,149 Thank you! And I didn't say that! 397 00:13:36,233 --> 00:13:37,984 Well, you're here. Sit. 398 00:13:38,068 --> 00:13:40,820 Because I actually have a happy piece of news to share with you. 399 00:13:40,904 --> 00:13:42,572 Happy news. I'm all ears. 400 00:13:42,656 --> 00:13:43,990 Took a lot of string-pulling, 401 00:13:44,074 --> 00:13:45,951 but you said you wanted a headlining gig. 402 00:13:46,034 --> 00:13:47,452 I got you a headlining gig. 403 00:13:47,536 --> 00:13:48,453 Are you kidding? 404 00:13:48,537 --> 00:13:49,704 Thousand-seat theater. 405 00:13:49,788 --> 00:13:50,830 Good pay, too. 406 00:13:50,914 --> 00:13:52,249 Amazing. Where's the gig? 407 00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:53,416 Croatia. 408 00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,085 Where is that, Pennsylvania? 409 00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:57,420 The Republic of Croatia. That's where the gig is. 410 00:13:57,504 --> 00:13:59,756 The name of the place is in their language, 411 00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:03,843 which loosely translates as "Make Laugh Showing Teeth." 412 00:14:03,927 --> 00:14:04,844 Croatia? 413 00:14:04,928 --> 00:14:06,638 Uh, specifically Zagreb. 414 00:14:06,721 --> 00:14:07,764 I think that's the capital. 415 00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,849 - [Dinah] It is! - Thank you! 416 00:14:09,933 --> 00:14:11,476 It's a five-night stand, 417 00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:13,979 but the place only turns on its electricity one night a week. 418 00:14:14,062 --> 00:14:15,564 So you would fly in for that one night, 419 00:14:15,647 --> 00:14:17,649 do the gig, then fly back. Then you wait six days 420 00:14:17,732 --> 00:14:19,651 and you fly back into Zagreb, do another gig, 421 00:14:19,734 --> 00:14:21,319 - and then fly back. - For five straight weeks? 422 00:14:21,403 --> 00:14:22,904 Now, you're gonna need shots. 423 00:14:22,988 --> 00:14:24,864 Uh, smallpox, tetanus, diphtheria. 424 00:14:24,948 --> 00:14:26,950 Apparently it's excruciatingly painful, 425 00:14:27,033 --> 00:14:28,577 so you want to get 'em about a week before you go. 426 00:14:28,660 --> 00:14:30,787 Susie, I can't do all that traveling back and forth 427 00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:32,747 to a far-off country for one show a week. 428 00:14:32,831 --> 00:14:33,915 I'll drop dead. 429 00:14:33,999 --> 00:14:35,083 No, not if you get your shots. 430 00:14:35,166 --> 00:14:37,085 Pass. 431 00:14:38,712 --> 00:14:40,422 You said, "Make me a headliner." 432 00:14:40,505 --> 00:14:41,923 In the Western Hemisphere. 433 00:14:42,007 --> 00:14:44,217 - So it's a no. - It's a million noes. 434 00:14:44,301 --> 00:14:46,428 So you'll warm up for Sophie Lennon, but you won't take this? 435 00:14:46,511 --> 00:14:48,680 That was a mistake that I won't make again. 436 00:14:48,763 --> 00:14:50,432 You know, I don't think I can do better than this. 437 00:14:50,515 --> 00:14:52,434 Do you understand? I mean, just last week, 438 00:14:52,517 --> 00:14:54,436 I had a pretty big guy angling to check you out. 439 00:14:54,519 --> 00:14:56,104 I didn't even have a place to send him to see you. 440 00:14:56,187 --> 00:14:57,105 Who? 441 00:14:57,188 --> 00:14:58,356 You ever heard of Gordon Ford? 442 00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:00,442 Really? Gordon Ford would come see me? 443 00:15:00,525 --> 00:15:01,610 Yes. Well, no, not him. 444 00:15:01,693 --> 00:15:03,069 He's too big. But his booker. 445 00:15:03,153 --> 00:15:05,614 His booker? Well, that's still pretty big, his booker. 446 00:15:05,697 --> 00:15:07,866 ...'s intern. His booker's intern. 447 00:15:07,949 --> 00:15:10,160 But he was really into it. And he reports to the booker, 448 00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:11,786 and the booker reports to Gordon Ford. 449 00:15:11,870 --> 00:15:13,580 Fine. If they really want to see me, they can always come over... 450 00:15:13,663 --> 00:15:15,123 Before you finish that goddamn sentence, 451 00:15:15,206 --> 00:15:18,460 these guys cannot come to an illegal strip club to see you. 452 00:15:18,543 --> 00:15:19,919 They're too legit. They can't be seen there, 453 00:15:20,003 --> 00:15:21,421 so they just won't do it. 454 00:15:21,504 --> 00:15:24,174 And there is no local headlining gig for you. 455 00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:25,717 Not in the near future. 456 00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:28,136 I am working on it, but let's be realistic. 457 00:15:28,219 --> 00:15:29,721 - I'm going to lunch. - Good. 458 00:15:29,804 --> 00:15:31,181 Go. Take a handkerchief. 459 00:15:32,515 --> 00:15:33,933 - What's the matter with her? - [sighs] 460 00:15:34,017 --> 00:15:37,103 Long story. Just don't make friends, 'cause she's got to go. 461 00:15:37,187 --> 00:15:38,355 Oh. Poor thing. 462 00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:40,398 She's not professional, you know? 463 00:15:40,482 --> 00:15:41,816 She's got these boyfriends she's always fighting with, 464 00:15:41,900 --> 00:15:44,319 and her tiny family's always running around. 465 00:15:44,402 --> 00:15:47,155 Too much drama, too much trouble. A lot of snot. 466 00:15:47,238 --> 00:15:49,074 Well, I was gonna get the Alfie showcase info from her. 467 00:15:49,157 --> 00:15:50,450 I'm bringing four with me. 468 00:15:50,533 --> 00:15:51,785 Just grab a flyer. It's underneath that pile. 469 00:15:51,868 --> 00:15:53,953 - Which one? - The one on the right. 470 00:15:54,037 --> 00:15:55,872 Not that one. Next to it. 471 00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:57,207 The other next to it. 472 00:15:57,290 --> 00:15:59,167 You glued to your seat or something? Show me. 473 00:15:59,250 --> 00:16:01,753 - It's right there. - Why aren't you standing? 474 00:16:03,046 --> 00:16:04,130 Susie? 475 00:16:04,214 --> 00:16:06,383 I'm not wearing pants. 476 00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:07,884 Really? 477 00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,594 No, I just thought I'd do some light comedy for you. 478 00:16:09,678 --> 00:16:10,845 Yes, really. 479 00:16:10,929 --> 00:16:12,555 Well, so what? I've seen you in your boxers. 480 00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:13,890 Um... 481 00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:16,142 I'm not wearing boxers. 482 00:16:16,226 --> 00:16:17,477 You're just... 483 00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:19,270 - naked down there? - Yes. 484 00:16:19,354 --> 00:16:20,689 Don't you stick to the seat? 485 00:16:20,772 --> 00:16:22,190 It wasn't a choice. 486 00:16:22,273 --> 00:16:24,067 The phone rang, Dinah wasn't in yet, 487 00:16:24,150 --> 00:16:25,402 and I wasn't done dressing. 488 00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:27,904 - But... - Get all your questions out now! 489 00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:30,699 You dress yourself completely on the top, then do the bottom? 490 00:16:30,782 --> 00:16:31,825 - [phone ringing] - Yes. 491 00:16:31,908 --> 00:16:33,660 And not, like, start with underwear 492 00:16:33,743 --> 00:16:35,704 on top and bottom and then move on to outerwear? 493 00:16:35,787 --> 00:16:38,289 - No. - Susie Myerson and Associates. 494 00:16:38,373 --> 00:16:39,791 May I ask who's calling? 495 00:16:39,874 --> 00:16:41,000 Who is it, Nicky? 496 00:16:42,043 --> 00:16:44,879 It's Sandy Bishop at McCormick/Hatlestad. 497 00:16:44,963 --> 00:16:45,964 Oh, hi, Midge. 498 00:16:46,047 --> 00:16:47,799 I have to take this. 499 00:16:47,882 --> 00:16:50,093 Submit the rest of your questions in writing, okay? 500 00:16:50,176 --> 00:16:51,886 - I'll talk to you later. - Close the door 501 00:16:51,970 --> 00:16:52,929 on your way out. 502 00:16:53,012 --> 00:16:54,973 Hey! Miriam! 503 00:16:55,056 --> 00:16:57,183 - Mr. Bishop, hello. - Midge. Long time no see. 504 00:16:57,267 --> 00:16:59,269 Hi, Frank. You guys helping out? 505 00:16:59,352 --> 00:17:01,146 - Whenever we can. - Yeah, we hooked her up 506 00:17:01,229 --> 00:17:02,647 - with this place, you know. - I know. 507 00:17:02,731 --> 00:17:04,566 And she's very happy here. 508 00:17:04,649 --> 00:17:06,443 So, uh, you taking the Croatia gig? 509 00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:07,610 At Make Laugh Showing Teeth. 510 00:17:07,694 --> 00:17:09,154 - Uh, no. - [Nicky] Really? 511 00:17:09,237 --> 00:17:11,614 - It's a thousand-seater. Headliner. - With electricity. 512 00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:13,158 I can't take it for many reasons, 513 00:17:13,241 --> 00:17:15,118 but, for one, I can't leave the kids that long. 514 00:17:15,201 --> 00:17:17,495 Ah. So it's a family thing. 515 00:17:17,579 --> 00:17:18,580 Mainly. 516 00:17:18,663 --> 00:17:23,001 Okay. "Not taking due to family." 517 00:17:23,084 --> 00:17:24,085 You keeping track? 518 00:17:24,169 --> 00:17:26,671 Well, you're part of our family now, right? 519 00:17:26,755 --> 00:17:30,216 Oh. Sure. I mean, my immediate family's growing by the second, 520 00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:32,010 - so why not? - Miriam, 521 00:17:32,093 --> 00:17:35,138 unless I'm mistaken, 522 00:17:35,221 --> 00:17:36,723 are you expecting? 523 00:17:36,806 --> 00:17:38,600 You're glowin' but you're not showin'. 524 00:17:38,683 --> 00:17:41,895 No. My husband and his mysterious girlfriend 525 00:17:41,978 --> 00:17:43,396 are expecting, and... [inhales] 526 00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:44,814 it's gonna be complicated. 527 00:17:44,898 --> 00:17:45,899 Mysterious, huh? 528 00:17:45,982 --> 00:17:47,066 He hardly knows her. 529 00:17:47,150 --> 00:17:48,318 Mm. Worrisome. 530 00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:50,403 [Susie] At Cherry Lane. Part of the Village. 531 00:17:51,529 --> 00:17:52,739 Midge, 532 00:17:52,822 --> 00:17:54,240 you worried about this girl? 533 00:17:54,324 --> 00:17:55,366 No. 534 00:17:55,450 --> 00:17:56,701 I mean... 535 00:17:56,785 --> 00:17:57,952 maybe a little. 536 00:17:58,036 --> 00:17:59,287 She's gonna be stepmother to your children. 537 00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:00,955 And play an important role in their upbringing. 538 00:18:01,039 --> 00:18:02,207 Joel didn't want to hear that. 539 00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:03,416 Mm-hmm. 540 00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:05,627 Anything else? 541 00:18:07,045 --> 00:18:08,671 Uh... 542 00:18:09,672 --> 00:18:11,216 Guess not. 543 00:18:12,258 --> 00:18:13,426 You want us to look into this girl? 544 00:18:13,510 --> 00:18:15,136 No. No, no. 545 00:18:15,220 --> 00:18:16,137 Could you? 546 00:18:16,221 --> 00:18:17,180 - We could. - Discreetly. 547 00:18:17,263 --> 00:18:18,181 Or not. 548 00:18:18,264 --> 00:18:20,016 No, I'd want it to be discreet. 549 00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:21,351 If I wanted it. 550 00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:22,685 Well, you're talking to the right guys. 551 00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:24,229 We're good at getting information out of people. 552 00:18:24,312 --> 00:18:25,480 - About people. - About people. 553 00:18:25,563 --> 00:18:26,564 Without them knowing. 554 00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:28,650 Okay. 555 00:18:29,734 --> 00:18:31,069 Want to give us a name? 556 00:18:31,152 --> 00:18:32,987 I mean, she probably just goes to school, 557 00:18:33,071 --> 00:18:35,114 - goes home... - Maybe. 558 00:18:35,198 --> 00:18:37,450 Maybe not. 559 00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:41,788 And all you need's a name? 560 00:18:43,039 --> 00:18:45,166 And we will be very discreet. 561 00:18:50,380 --> 00:18:51,673 - [wind blowing] - [cheering] 562 00:18:51,756 --> 00:18:53,132 [Aunt Em] Quick! Dorothy! 563 00:18:53,216 --> 00:18:55,301 Run for the cellar! 564 00:18:55,385 --> 00:18:58,137 [cheering] 565 00:18:58,221 --> 00:18:59,931 [cow moos] 566 00:19:00,932 --> 00:19:03,393 [cackling] 567 00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:04,602 [Toto barking] 568 00:19:04,686 --> 00:19:06,521 She told Boise right to his face-- 569 00:19:06,604 --> 00:19:08,857 Boise runs the place-- "You knock first." 570 00:19:08,940 --> 00:19:11,359 "Girls have knockers. Men knock." That's what she said. 571 00:19:11,442 --> 00:19:13,736 Midge has always been quietly assertive. 572 00:19:13,820 --> 00:19:15,196 One of the many reasons why I love her. 573 00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:17,866 I worked a place in Philly once. Had to put a sign on the door. 574 00:19:17,949 --> 00:19:18,867 "No BJs." 575 00:19:18,950 --> 00:19:20,910 [laughing] 576 00:19:20,994 --> 00:19:22,453 So funny. [inhales] 577 00:19:22,537 --> 00:19:23,663 What's a BJ? 578 00:19:23,746 --> 00:19:26,249 God, honey, you are so sweet and innocent. 579 00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:28,084 Like an elf riding a bunny rabbit. 580 00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:30,044 Well, I love this. Sitting around, chatting, 581 00:19:30,128 --> 00:19:31,337 just us working girls. 582 00:19:31,421 --> 00:19:32,797 Oh, you work, sweetie? What do you do? 583 00:19:32,881 --> 00:19:33,965 Something with ice skates, right? 584 00:19:34,048 --> 00:19:35,258 No, I can't skate. 585 00:19:35,341 --> 00:19:37,176 I'm a mom. Plus I'm halfway through my studies 586 00:19:37,260 --> 00:19:39,012 at the Katharine Gibbs Secretarial School. 587 00:19:39,095 --> 00:19:42,181 - Secretarial school? - Oh, I'd never want to be a secretary. 588 00:19:42,265 --> 00:19:43,725 Men don't respect 'em. 589 00:19:43,808 --> 00:19:45,935 They spend all day at the office just staring at their tits. 590 00:19:46,019 --> 00:19:48,104 - It's degrading. - Right. Well, 591 00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:49,856 I would definitely avoid having them do that. 592 00:19:49,939 --> 00:19:51,357 You really should learn to skate. 593 00:19:51,441 --> 00:19:53,693 - What's up, party pooper? - Just finished. 594 00:19:53,776 --> 00:19:55,778 With payday tomorrow, I think I am just gonna make it 595 00:19:55,862 --> 00:19:57,572 - this month. - Did I tell you Archie's sorry? 596 00:19:57,655 --> 00:19:59,157 - He feels so awful. - I know. 597 00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:01,451 He put in an order to buy 56 pieces of Tupperware from me. 598 00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:03,453 It's ridiculous. I'm not calling it in. 599 00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:05,371 He's Archie. He's trying to pay you back whatever way he can. 600 00:20:05,455 --> 00:20:06,414 We'll get through it. 601 00:20:06,497 --> 00:20:07,790 Money comes, money goes. 602 00:20:07,874 --> 00:20:10,460 It mostly goes these days, but que será. 603 00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:11,586 Everything okay? 604 00:20:11,669 --> 00:20:13,713 Yeah. We're just talking about the big snatch. 605 00:20:13,796 --> 00:20:14,964 Who? Trixie? 606 00:20:15,048 --> 00:20:16,424 No. Imogene's husband 607 00:20:16,507 --> 00:20:18,134 got a bag snatched off the street. 608 00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:19,302 Had some valuables in it. 609 00:20:19,385 --> 00:20:20,678 The valuables belonged to my ex-husband, 610 00:20:20,762 --> 00:20:22,972 who now cannot make his monthly payment. 611 00:20:23,056 --> 00:20:25,558 Oh, shoot, I forgot. I've got a lead for you on a gig, Midge. 612 00:20:25,642 --> 00:20:27,393 - Hmm? - You've heard of John F. Kennedy? 613 00:20:27,477 --> 00:20:29,187 - Name rings a bell. - My dad told me 614 00:20:29,270 --> 00:20:31,189 there's a big New York fundraiser for him coming up. 615 00:20:31,272 --> 00:20:32,565 Wives For Kennedy. 616 00:20:32,649 --> 00:20:33,608 Jackie's throwing it. 617 00:20:33,691 --> 00:20:34,984 Jackie? Jackie Kennedy? 618 00:20:35,068 --> 00:20:36,778 Oh, my God. I want to be her very best friend! 619 00:20:36,861 --> 00:20:38,404 She's John F. Kennedy's wife. 620 00:20:38,488 --> 00:20:39,989 - Her name rings a bell, too. - They need a comedian. 621 00:20:40,073 --> 00:20:41,824 One that looks like a lady. 622 00:20:41,908 --> 00:20:43,993 It was Jackie's request. A lady comedian. 623 00:20:44,077 --> 00:20:45,244 'Cause it's all ladies. 624 00:20:45,328 --> 00:20:47,038 - Does it pay? - Who the hell cares? 625 00:20:47,121 --> 00:20:48,414 Kennedy. She'll do it! 626 00:20:48,498 --> 00:20:50,500 It pays. You just can't say dirty stuff. 627 00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:51,501 She won't. She'll do it. 628 00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:53,086 I'll do it. Thanks, Gloria. 629 00:20:53,169 --> 00:20:54,545 I'll jot down the number to call. 630 00:20:54,629 --> 00:20:56,839 [cheering in distance] 631 00:20:56,923 --> 00:20:58,424 So how's your dad involved in this? 632 00:20:58,508 --> 00:20:59,717 Oh, he's a senator. 633 00:20:59,801 --> 00:21:01,761 - A senator? - Yep. 634 00:21:01,844 --> 00:21:02,762 I don't get it. 635 00:21:02,845 --> 00:21:04,180 Are you not familiar 636 00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:06,391 with our bicameral system of legislature? 637 00:21:06,474 --> 00:21:09,477 - No, I am. - Because you didn't seem that familiar with John F. Kennedy. 638 00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:11,771 Thanks for the tip, Gloria. 639 00:21:11,854 --> 00:21:13,940 Come on. Dorothy must be close to throwing up by now. 640 00:21:14,023 --> 00:21:16,109 Hey, introduce me to the Big Snatch. 641 00:21:19,570 --> 00:21:21,572 [indistinct chatter] 642 00:21:22,615 --> 00:21:24,283 This is gonna be a disaster. 643 00:21:24,367 --> 00:21:26,494 What are you talking about? You got a great turnout. 644 00:21:26,577 --> 00:21:29,163 - The bigs showed up. - Two of 'em bailed at the last second. 645 00:21:29,247 --> 00:21:30,957 Two guys out of what, 20? 646 00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:32,500 You did Alfie proud. 647 00:21:32,583 --> 00:21:34,002 Yeah, well, I can't showcase you in a place 648 00:21:34,085 --> 00:21:35,712 like this, if that's what you're thinking. 649 00:21:35,795 --> 00:21:36,838 I gave you a compliment. 650 00:21:36,921 --> 00:21:38,548 There's no booze, and the acoustics... 651 00:21:38,631 --> 00:21:39,924 they're not funny acoustics. 652 00:21:40,008 --> 00:21:41,342 No one would laugh. You would die in this room. 653 00:21:41,426 --> 00:21:43,511 Whoa, slow down, I wasn't implying anything, 654 00:21:43,594 --> 00:21:45,346 I was just saying you got a good turnout. 655 00:21:45,430 --> 00:21:47,098 And I could kill in an unfunny room. 656 00:21:47,181 --> 00:21:48,850 I should go check on Alfie. 657 00:21:48,933 --> 00:21:50,268 You should've seen me in Grant's Tomb. 658 00:21:50,351 --> 00:21:53,187 I had the entire tenth grade in stitches. 659 00:21:53,271 --> 00:21:55,023 It's bigger than I thought. 660 00:21:55,106 --> 00:21:58,026 And before I spat it out, I was really enjoying the taste. 661 00:21:58,109 --> 00:21:59,777 And you want to get it back to them? 662 00:21:59,861 --> 00:22:00,987 But how is the question. 663 00:22:01,070 --> 00:22:02,488 Well, maybe you should stop by a mass, 664 00:22:02,572 --> 00:22:03,990 get in the communion line, and when it's your turn, 665 00:22:04,073 --> 00:22:05,533 just toss it back in. 666 00:22:05,616 --> 00:22:07,326 They wouldn't be suspicious of a Jew 667 00:22:07,410 --> 00:22:09,537 tiddlywinking a communion wafer back in the cup? 668 00:22:09,620 --> 00:22:11,831 - They'd throw holy water on me. - Then what, flush it? 669 00:22:11,914 --> 00:22:14,042 You're going to flush the body of Christ down the toilet? 670 00:22:14,125 --> 00:22:15,960 The poor man's been through enough... 671 00:22:16,044 --> 00:22:18,046 Guys, it's starting. 672 00:22:19,213 --> 00:22:21,215 [audience applauding] 673 00:22:24,218 --> 00:22:26,220 Hello. And welcome. 674 00:22:26,304 --> 00:22:28,806 So, right off, a piece of good news. 675 00:22:28,890 --> 00:22:31,601 I'm not gonna bore you with card tricks. 676 00:22:31,684 --> 00:22:33,561 You people toward the back, you wouldn't be able 677 00:22:33,644 --> 00:22:35,396 to see much of what I was doing. 678 00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:37,148 Unless I came up into the audience, 679 00:22:37,231 --> 00:22:40,109 and who wants to see me come up into the audience? 680 00:22:40,193 --> 00:22:42,278 - [laughter] - No. 681 00:22:42,361 --> 00:22:43,946 I'm gonna stay right here. 682 00:22:44,030 --> 00:22:46,365 And you'll stay there, and this... 683 00:22:46,449 --> 00:22:48,117 [audience clamoring] 684 00:22:49,410 --> 00:22:51,913 ...will not be part of the show. 685 00:22:51,996 --> 00:22:54,624 Now let's go forward. 686 00:22:54,707 --> 00:22:56,834 Into the past. 687 00:22:59,420 --> 00:23:00,755 [audience gasping] 688 00:23:00,838 --> 00:23:02,799 My ancestors, long ago. 689 00:23:02,882 --> 00:23:04,300 Having a laugh. 690 00:23:04,383 --> 00:23:05,676 [laughter] 691 00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:09,388 Me, in my homemade superhero cape. 692 00:23:09,472 --> 00:23:11,808 You must be wondering what my powers were. 693 00:23:13,184 --> 00:23:15,186 We'll get to that. 694 00:23:17,438 --> 00:23:19,607 On the Major Bowes Amateur Hour, 695 00:23:19,690 --> 00:23:21,651 I won. Cute. 696 00:23:21,734 --> 00:23:22,985 [audience] Aw! 697 00:23:24,070 --> 00:23:26,906 This hasn't even happened yet. 698 00:23:26,989 --> 00:23:29,617 Perhaps it will, perhaps it won't. 699 00:23:29,700 --> 00:23:31,661 My family. My cape. 700 00:23:31,744 --> 00:23:34,080 My break. My future... 701 00:23:34,163 --> 00:23:36,082 My God, Rose, 702 00:23:36,165 --> 00:23:37,875 that looks like you. 703 00:23:37,959 --> 00:23:40,086 No... does it? 704 00:23:40,169 --> 00:23:41,462 He is magic, you know. 705 00:23:41,546 --> 00:23:43,297 It says in the program. Read the program. 706 00:23:43,381 --> 00:23:46,425 Will you go on this journey with me? 707 00:23:46,509 --> 00:23:49,095 [audience applauding, clamoring] 708 00:23:49,178 --> 00:23:50,930 Good. 709 00:23:51,013 --> 00:23:52,557 'Cause I've locked all the doors from the outside. 710 00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:53,933 You don't have a choice. 711 00:23:54,016 --> 00:23:56,227 [laughter] 712 00:23:56,310 --> 00:23:59,397 [audience applauding] 713 00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:01,149 Now is the time when I ask 714 00:24:01,232 --> 00:24:02,859 for a volunteer. 715 00:24:02,942 --> 00:24:04,610 - [gasps] Ooh. - If you've raised your hand, 716 00:24:04,694 --> 00:24:06,487 - you're disqualified. - [groans] 717 00:24:06,571 --> 00:24:08,197 Sorry, too eager. 718 00:24:08,281 --> 00:24:09,657 I knew I shouldn't have raised my hand. 719 00:24:09,740 --> 00:24:11,409 I get overly excited, and that pushes people away. 720 00:24:11,492 --> 00:24:12,994 Just sometimes. 721 00:24:13,077 --> 00:24:15,163 It's the reluctant that I like to engage. 722 00:24:15,246 --> 00:24:17,165 The hidden figures. 723 00:24:17,248 --> 00:24:19,792 The unsung souls. 724 00:24:19,876 --> 00:24:22,628 The ones with depth we cannot see. 725 00:24:22,712 --> 00:24:24,714 I... 726 00:24:24,797 --> 00:24:26,132 choose... 727 00:24:26,215 --> 00:24:27,550 you. 728 00:24:27,633 --> 00:24:29,135 [audience murmuring] 729 00:24:29,218 --> 00:24:30,845 Who's he pointing to? 730 00:24:30,928 --> 00:24:32,555 I believe he's pointing to you. 731 00:24:32,638 --> 00:24:34,849 Me? I can't go up there. 732 00:24:34,932 --> 00:24:36,851 - Why not? - Mama, go on, come on, Mama. - Get up there, Rose. 733 00:24:36,934 --> 00:24:38,561 - Come on, Mom! - It'll be fun! 734 00:24:38,644 --> 00:24:40,563 If not me, I'm so happy it's you, Rose. 735 00:24:40,646 --> 00:24:41,939 Let's give her some encouragement, 736 00:24:42,023 --> 00:24:43,149 ladies and gentlemen. 737 00:24:43,232 --> 00:24:44,358 She has no idea 738 00:24:44,442 --> 00:24:45,818 what I'm going to do with her. 739 00:24:45,902 --> 00:24:48,446 Very good! 740 00:24:48,529 --> 00:24:50,781 Come right up next to me, young lady. 741 00:24:50,865 --> 00:24:52,909 That's it. 742 00:24:52,992 --> 00:24:55,077 Now, what's your name? 743 00:24:55,161 --> 00:24:56,412 It's Rose. 744 00:24:56,495 --> 00:24:57,538 Rose. 745 00:24:57,622 --> 00:24:59,624 [Rose gasps] 746 00:25:00,750 --> 00:25:03,169 Thank God your name wasn't Cactus. 747 00:25:03,252 --> 00:25:04,545 - [laughter] - Good one! 748 00:25:04,629 --> 00:25:06,881 Tell me a little about yourself, Rose. 749 00:25:06,964 --> 00:25:10,468 Oh, well, I live on the Upper West Side. 750 00:25:10,551 --> 00:25:11,802 I'm happily married. 751 00:25:11,886 --> 00:25:13,596 I have two children, three grandchildren. 752 00:25:13,679 --> 00:25:15,431 Sounds like a wonderful life. 753 00:25:15,514 --> 00:25:17,725 Do you like your grandchildren, Rose? 754 00:25:17,808 --> 00:25:19,518 Of course I do. What a thing to say. 755 00:25:19,602 --> 00:25:20,895 I adore them. They're perfect. 756 00:25:20,978 --> 00:25:22,897 - Are you sleepy? - I'm sorry? 757 00:25:22,980 --> 00:25:24,649 And what are your grandchildren's names? 758 00:25:24,732 --> 00:25:26,484 Ethan, Esther and Chaim. 759 00:25:26,567 --> 00:25:29,362 Wonderful, I like the rhythm of that. 760 00:25:29,445 --> 00:25:31,656 Ethan. 761 00:25:31,739 --> 00:25:33,449 Esther... 762 00:25:33,532 --> 00:25:35,159 Chaim... It's warm in here. 763 00:25:35,243 --> 00:25:36,619 It's warm in here. 764 00:25:36,702 --> 00:25:38,246 Ethan. 765 00:25:38,329 --> 00:25:39,914 Esther. 766 00:25:39,997 --> 00:25:42,667 Chaim. Do you like your grandchildren, Rose? 767 00:25:42,750 --> 00:25:45,086 They can be little terrors. Their parents are too lenient. 768 00:25:45,169 --> 00:25:47,046 - Oh! Low blow. - What a meanie. 769 00:25:47,129 --> 00:25:50,258 I think we have a slander lawsuit on our hands, ladies. 770 00:25:50,341 --> 00:25:52,301 Ethan... Esther... 771 00:25:52,385 --> 00:25:54,387 Chaim. 772 00:25:54,470 --> 00:25:56,681 - Is she being hypnotized? - I believe so. 773 00:25:56,764 --> 00:25:59,225 - And what about your children? - They're in the audience. 774 00:25:59,308 --> 00:26:01,018 - Look out. - Incoming. 775 00:26:01,102 --> 00:26:02,770 Tell me about your children. 776 00:26:02,853 --> 00:26:04,814 My son is brilliant. A mathematician, 777 00:26:04,897 --> 00:26:06,440 like his father. 778 00:26:06,524 --> 00:26:08,109 - And your daughter? - She's like you. 779 00:26:08,192 --> 00:26:10,069 An undiagnosed schizophrenic? 780 00:26:10,152 --> 00:26:11,195 [laughter] 781 00:26:11,279 --> 00:26:12,530 She's a performer. 782 00:26:12,613 --> 00:26:14,365 Fascinating. 783 00:26:14,448 --> 00:26:17,159 And which of the grandkids are hers? 784 00:26:17,243 --> 00:26:18,911 Ethan. 785 00:26:18,995 --> 00:26:20,496 Esther... 786 00:26:20,579 --> 00:26:22,081 Chaim. 787 00:26:22,164 --> 00:26:23,499 Rose? 788 00:26:23,582 --> 00:26:26,210 Next time you hear those names... 789 00:26:26,294 --> 00:26:27,837 I want you to show me... 790 00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:29,297 Show you? 791 00:26:29,380 --> 00:26:31,090 ...what your daughter does. 792 00:26:31,173 --> 00:26:33,467 - Do you understand? - Yes. 793 00:26:33,551 --> 00:26:34,635 - No. - How? 794 00:26:34,719 --> 00:26:35,803 - What? - [Alfie] Ethan... 795 00:26:35,886 --> 00:26:37,638 - What her daughter does? - Esther... 796 00:26:37,722 --> 00:26:39,348 - What the hell? - Chaim! 797 00:26:39,432 --> 00:26:41,892 Bubble, bubble, 798 00:26:41,976 --> 00:26:43,894 toil and trouble. 799 00:26:43,978 --> 00:26:46,397 Everyone nice and lubricated out there? 800 00:26:46,480 --> 00:26:48,190 What the fucking hell? 801 00:26:48,274 --> 00:26:49,734 - What is this? What's happening? - [Rose] How are you? 802 00:26:49,817 --> 00:26:51,610 How you doing in the cheap seats? 803 00:26:51,694 --> 00:26:53,237 Did we get cheap seats? 804 00:26:53,321 --> 00:26:54,822 Now I just want you to think about something. 805 00:26:54,905 --> 00:26:56,157 Especially you 806 00:26:56,240 --> 00:26:57,408 with your hand precariously 807 00:26:57,491 --> 00:26:58,617 close to your crotch there... 808 00:26:58,701 --> 00:27:00,328 - What did she say? - Crotch. 809 00:27:00,411 --> 00:27:01,662 She said "crotch." 810 00:27:01,746 --> 00:27:03,331 She's never said "crotch" ever. 811 00:27:03,414 --> 00:27:04,790 This is not possible. 812 00:27:04,874 --> 00:27:06,250 Every girl you see working tonight, 813 00:27:06,334 --> 00:27:07,918 shaking their moneymakers, has a father. 814 00:27:08,002 --> 00:27:09,587 That's right. Me, too. 815 00:27:09,670 --> 00:27:11,464 I have a father. Goes by Abraham. 816 00:27:11,547 --> 00:27:12,965 - Moneymakers? How does she...? - I'm scared. 817 00:27:13,049 --> 00:27:15,301 - I'm suddenly quite scared. - Miriam, what is this? 818 00:27:15,384 --> 00:27:17,428 He thought I'd grow up to be the perfect lady, 819 00:27:17,511 --> 00:27:18,971 and here I am slinging dick jokes 820 00:27:19,055 --> 00:27:20,556 in a strip club to a bunch of drunk men 821 00:27:20,639 --> 00:27:21,974 with various degrees of syphilis, 822 00:27:22,058 --> 00:27:23,225 so happy Father's Day! 823 00:27:23,309 --> 00:27:24,769 What kind of jokes were those? 824 00:27:24,852 --> 00:27:26,312 Dick, I believe. Dick jokes. 825 00:27:26,395 --> 00:27:28,773 - She's slinging 'em. - This is my act. 826 00:27:28,856 --> 00:27:31,901 So my parents are living with me now, and they bicker a lot. 827 00:27:31,984 --> 00:27:34,111 So many disagreements. 828 00:27:34,195 --> 00:27:35,988 In fact, the only time I hear my mother agreeing 829 00:27:36,072 --> 00:27:38,908 with my father is, every couple months they'll go to bed, 830 00:27:38,991 --> 00:27:41,202 and about ten minutes later, I'll hear my mother saying, 831 00:27:41,285 --> 00:27:44,789 "Yes, Abe! Yes! Yes! Yes!" 832 00:27:44,872 --> 00:27:47,792 It reminds me of sharing a common wall 833 00:27:47,875 --> 00:27:49,502 with my brother back in the day... 834 00:27:49,585 --> 00:27:51,796 Noah, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. 835 00:27:51,879 --> 00:27:53,881 About what? What? What's she going to say? 836 00:27:53,964 --> 00:27:57,468 My brother Noah was the usual active teenager. 837 00:27:57,551 --> 00:27:59,720 No, no, he didn't play sports. 838 00:27:59,804 --> 00:28:02,139 He was active in that other way teenage boys are. 839 00:28:02,223 --> 00:28:03,808 - Oh, God. - Ooh. 840 00:28:03,891 --> 00:28:06,727 The slightest stimulation sent him running to his bedroom. 841 00:28:06,811 --> 00:28:09,730 Vivien Leigh on the cover of Time, back to the bedroom. 842 00:28:09,814 --> 00:28:12,525 Eleanor Roosevelt driving a Jeep, back to the bedroom. 843 00:28:12,608 --> 00:28:15,319 Lassie licking her privates, back to the bedroom. 844 00:28:15,403 --> 00:28:18,114 My God, the boy went through the household hand cream 845 00:28:18,197 --> 00:28:19,407 like it was water. 846 00:28:19,490 --> 00:28:21,409 You still use a lot of hand cream. 847 00:28:21,492 --> 00:28:23,994 - Yeah, well... - Then he met his high school sweetheart Shira. 848 00:28:24,078 --> 00:28:25,913 So madly in love. 849 00:28:25,996 --> 00:28:28,165 Made him forget all about Eleanor Roosevelt. 850 00:28:28,249 --> 00:28:30,042 But then he pulled a switcheroo. 851 00:28:30,126 --> 00:28:32,002 Dumped the perfect balaboosta 852 00:28:32,086 --> 00:28:33,796 for a blonde shiksa with perfect skin, 853 00:28:33,879 --> 00:28:36,382 like she stepped off the cover of Nuremberg Monthly. 854 00:28:36,465 --> 00:28:38,259 That is a completely made-up magazine. 855 00:28:38,342 --> 00:28:40,928 But my mother, ooh, boy, 856 00:28:41,011 --> 00:28:42,596 my mother. 857 00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:46,225 Who is a bigger flirt than my damn mother? 858 00:28:46,308 --> 00:28:48,853 That's how we always got the best parking space 859 00:28:48,936 --> 00:28:51,272 or talked a cop out of giving us a ticket 860 00:28:51,355 --> 00:28:53,399 or snagged extra bagels at the deli. 861 00:28:53,482 --> 00:28:56,026 "Oh, do make it a baker's dozen, Ezra. 862 00:28:56,110 --> 00:28:58,237 Thank you so much. Oh." 863 00:28:58,320 --> 00:28:59,947 Does my father ever wonder 864 00:29:00,030 --> 00:29:01,991 why he's never had to change a light bulb? 865 00:29:02,074 --> 00:29:04,118 The woman has our building's supers 866 00:29:04,201 --> 00:29:06,579 pawing and sniffing at her like they're horny dogs 867 00:29:06,662 --> 00:29:08,247 and she's got a rump roast 868 00:29:08,330 --> 00:29:10,624 - up her skirt. - My God. 869 00:29:10,708 --> 00:29:12,835 - I never have had to change a light bulb. - Oops! 870 00:29:12,918 --> 00:29:14,462 That's my signal. 871 00:29:14,545 --> 00:29:16,297 Time to hold on to your wheelchairs, fellas, 872 00:29:16,380 --> 00:29:19,717 'cause here comes Lorna Luscious, sexy candy striper! 873 00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:22,094 The perfect place to stop. Rose! 874 00:29:22,178 --> 00:29:24,138 Did I miss something? 875 00:29:24,221 --> 00:29:25,931 No. Nothing. Nothing at all. 876 00:29:26,015 --> 00:29:27,725 [laughter] 877 00:29:27,808 --> 00:29:30,769 Now stand off to the side there, 878 00:29:30,853 --> 00:29:33,689 Rose, as I say goodbye 879 00:29:33,772 --> 00:29:35,983 to the audience. 880 00:29:36,066 --> 00:29:38,777 Thank you for joining me tonight. 881 00:29:38,861 --> 00:29:40,654 It was my great honor. 882 00:29:40,738 --> 00:29:42,907 The little boy inside me 883 00:29:42,990 --> 00:29:45,451 - is grateful, as well. - [audience clamoring] 884 00:29:45,534 --> 00:29:47,953 Are you still wondering 885 00:29:48,037 --> 00:29:50,915 what my superpower was? 886 00:29:50,998 --> 00:29:52,666 It was always this. 887 00:29:52,750 --> 00:29:54,168 That I could hold you. 888 00:29:54,251 --> 00:29:56,712 Your attention, your interest. 889 00:29:56,795 --> 00:29:58,589 Oh. 890 00:29:58,672 --> 00:30:00,925 And that I could make really neat exits. 891 00:30:02,009 --> 00:30:04,595 - [audience gasping] - [applause] 892 00:30:09,725 --> 00:30:11,352 [indistinct chatter] 893 00:30:11,435 --> 00:30:13,854 So what happened? You all look so strange. 894 00:30:13,938 --> 00:30:15,940 May I talk to you outside? 895 00:30:17,191 --> 00:30:18,567 Miriam. 896 00:30:18,651 --> 00:30:19,944 Miriam, my arm. 897 00:30:20,027 --> 00:30:21,904 Why in God's name did you not tell me 898 00:30:21,987 --> 00:30:23,614 you saw me at the Wolford? 899 00:30:23,697 --> 00:30:25,282 Your stripper club? 900 00:30:25,366 --> 00:30:27,117 I've never set foot in it. 901 00:30:27,201 --> 00:30:29,828 You just recreated my act, word for word. 902 00:30:29,912 --> 00:30:31,247 Except for the couple of words that you rearranged 903 00:30:31,330 --> 00:30:33,415 - and improved it. - Impossible. 904 00:30:33,499 --> 00:30:35,251 Mama! 905 00:30:35,334 --> 00:30:37,294 Okay, I went to your club. 906 00:30:37,378 --> 00:30:39,255 There was a woman in a bathtub. 907 00:30:39,338 --> 00:30:41,215 And then you came out and did that thing you do. 908 00:30:41,298 --> 00:30:43,175 - Did he hypnotize me in there? - [Noah] Astrid, wait! 909 00:30:43,259 --> 00:30:44,885 - What did I say? - Leave me alone! 910 00:30:44,969 --> 00:30:46,595 - Astrid, please. - Oh, go back to Shira! 911 00:30:46,679 --> 00:30:48,389 With her pinched lips and her blotchy skin 912 00:30:48,472 --> 00:30:50,015 and her oversized bosom! 913 00:30:50,099 --> 00:30:52,142 As if you never think about Royceton Hobbingsworth. 914 00:30:52,226 --> 00:30:54,270 What if I do? What if I think of what would have happened 915 00:30:54,353 --> 00:30:56,230 if Royceton hadn't joined the Navy. 916 00:30:56,313 --> 00:30:57,898 Or gotten into that accident. 917 00:30:57,982 --> 00:30:59,650 Or slept with my mother! 918 00:30:59,733 --> 00:31:01,110 Astrid, please! 919 00:31:01,193 --> 00:31:02,695 Why did you even come see me? 920 00:31:02,778 --> 00:31:04,488 What was the point? Just to torture yourself? 921 00:31:04,572 --> 00:31:06,740 Because I had to see for myself. 922 00:31:06,824 --> 00:31:10,244 - See what? - The very thing that was imperiling my business. 923 00:31:10,327 --> 00:31:12,329 - This again? - Yes, this again. 924 00:31:12,413 --> 00:31:14,415 What you do affects me. 925 00:31:14,498 --> 00:31:16,792 And your father, everyone around you. 926 00:31:16,875 --> 00:31:18,752 We're connected, Miriam. 927 00:31:18,836 --> 00:31:20,421 Now tell me what I said in there! 928 00:31:20,504 --> 00:31:23,048 First of all, it's more than every couple of months. 929 00:31:23,132 --> 00:31:24,883 Papa, not now. 930 00:31:24,967 --> 00:31:26,885 From this day forward, I'm keeping a log, 931 00:31:26,969 --> 00:31:28,804 just so we're all on the same page. 932 00:31:28,887 --> 00:31:31,265 And I will change the light bulbs 933 00:31:31,348 --> 00:31:33,225 from now on, flirt. 934 00:31:33,309 --> 00:31:34,852 [Midge] Mama... 935 00:31:34,935 --> 00:31:37,104 once and for all, you have to accept what I do. 936 00:31:37,187 --> 00:31:39,106 And for the life of me, I do not understand 937 00:31:39,189 --> 00:31:40,774 how it could possibly affect your business. 938 00:31:40,858 --> 00:31:42,276 That doesn't matter now. 939 00:31:42,359 --> 00:31:44,320 I don't have a business anymore. 940 00:31:44,403 --> 00:31:47,364 - Because of me? - No, because I'm giving up. 941 00:31:47,448 --> 00:31:49,658 They said stop, I will stop. 942 00:31:49,742 --> 00:31:51,994 No, you go on. 943 00:31:52,077 --> 00:31:54,079 You love what you're doing. 944 00:31:54,163 --> 00:31:56,332 You're happier now than you've been in years. 945 00:31:56,415 --> 00:31:58,584 I did like what I was doing, but I'm not like you. 946 00:31:58,667 --> 00:32:00,878 - I'm not a fighter. - My journey's not so different 947 00:32:00,961 --> 00:32:02,379 from the one you're on, Mama. 948 00:32:02,463 --> 00:32:03,964 Mine just involves more naked women 949 00:32:04,048 --> 00:32:05,466 - and dick jokes. - Your mouth. 950 00:32:05,549 --> 00:32:07,051 Yours, too. 951 00:32:07,134 --> 00:32:08,802 It's easy to quit, but don't. 952 00:32:08,886 --> 00:32:10,888 Don't quit. Don't stop. 953 00:32:13,641 --> 00:32:15,643 [laughing] 954 00:32:16,894 --> 00:32:18,896 Oh, man! 955 00:32:20,731 --> 00:32:22,399 What happened in there? 956 00:32:22,483 --> 00:32:24,234 Let me tell you over a bottle or two of sherry. 957 00:32:24,318 --> 00:32:27,279 [♪ Artie Shaw: "The Grabtown Grapple"] 958 00:32:27,363 --> 00:32:29,239 [Rose] I said what?! 959 00:32:32,534 --> 00:32:34,453 [Abe] You have a weakness for men with mustaches. 960 00:32:34,536 --> 00:32:35,954 That's what they all have in common. 961 00:32:36,038 --> 00:32:37,373 The doormen here don't have mustaches. 962 00:32:37,456 --> 00:32:39,124 So you admit that you're attracted to the doormen. 963 00:32:39,208 --> 00:32:41,835 - Hello. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, who are you? 964 00:32:41,919 --> 00:32:43,671 - What are you doing here? - Explain yourself, sir. 965 00:32:43,754 --> 00:32:46,215 - Don't flirt with him. - How is that flirting? 966 00:32:46,298 --> 00:32:47,591 There was a lilt. You gave it a lilt. 967 00:32:47,675 --> 00:32:48,967 Are you with them? 968 00:32:49,051 --> 00:32:50,344 - Who? - That group. 969 00:32:50,427 --> 00:32:51,970 I'm with a group. 970 00:32:52,054 --> 00:32:54,556 Guys, go inside. Frank here is a... 971 00:32:54,640 --> 00:32:56,558 an associate of Susie's. 972 00:32:56,642 --> 00:32:58,769 It's okay. Go, go, go. 973 00:33:00,604 --> 00:33:02,940 I'll be right in. 974 00:33:05,317 --> 00:33:07,611 Midge, that girl you sent us after, Mei Lin? 975 00:33:07,695 --> 00:33:10,197 We're backing off. It's too hot, lava hot. 976 00:33:10,280 --> 00:33:11,865 Too hot? How so? 977 00:33:11,949 --> 00:33:13,659 Her family? Those are dangerous people. 978 00:33:13,742 --> 00:33:15,202 You don't fuck with those people. 979 00:33:15,285 --> 00:33:17,413 They'll just disappear you. Like you never existed at all. 980 00:33:17,496 --> 00:33:19,331 - Oh! Aah! - Aah! 981 00:33:19,415 --> 00:33:21,750 - [screams] - Julie, hi. Sorry to startle you. 982 00:33:21,834 --> 00:33:23,043 Was that a gun? 983 00:33:23,127 --> 00:33:25,671 Yes, but it's a comedy gun. 984 00:33:25,754 --> 00:33:27,923 - Right? - Yeah, a comedy gun. 985 00:33:28,006 --> 00:33:30,884 - Frank here is my sometimes comedy partner. - Like on the weekends. 986 00:33:30,968 --> 00:33:32,594 - The gun shoots flowers out of it. - It's a very funny gun. 987 00:33:32,678 --> 00:33:34,555 Sorry to startle you. 988 00:33:34,638 --> 00:33:37,057 You really should stop stalking around this hallway, Miriam. 989 00:33:37,141 --> 00:33:39,309 You're right. I will stop. 990 00:33:39,393 --> 00:33:41,770 - Good night, Julie. - Good night, Julie. 991 00:33:44,064 --> 00:33:46,066 Look, the less you know about this girl's family, 992 00:33:46,150 --> 00:33:49,069 the better, and please do not tell anyone 993 00:33:49,153 --> 00:33:50,946 we were snooping around them. Anyone. 994 00:33:51,029 --> 00:33:52,573 - It didn't happen. - Okay. 995 00:33:52,656 --> 00:33:54,825 And apologize to Julie for me. 996 00:33:54,908 --> 00:33:57,077 What happened here was unprofessional. 997 00:33:57,161 --> 00:33:59,163 - I will. - Okay. 998 00:34:06,837 --> 00:34:08,922 It's off to the races. 999 00:34:09,006 --> 00:34:12,509 A jaunty Oleg Cassini flax helmet 1000 00:34:12,593 --> 00:34:14,720 accessorizes this mischievous 1001 00:34:14,803 --> 00:34:16,597 tri-colored dress. 1002 00:34:16,680 --> 00:34:20,434 A black scroll resembling the work of a Zen master 1003 00:34:20,517 --> 00:34:24,062 accentuates the vertical romanticism of this dress. 1004 00:34:24,146 --> 00:34:26,815 The Lilly Daché hat is the icing 1005 00:34:26,899 --> 00:34:29,276 on this tasty cake. 1006 00:34:29,359 --> 00:34:31,445 And finally, pomegranate 1007 00:34:31,528 --> 00:34:34,656 polka dots weave through rectangular cutouts 1008 00:34:34,740 --> 00:34:38,035 as a peekaboo bodice frames the modified boatneck. 1009 00:34:38,118 --> 00:34:40,287 A chic version of a fisherman's rain hat 1010 00:34:40,370 --> 00:34:42,414 completes the ensemble. 1011 00:34:49,004 --> 00:34:50,839 And now for this afternoon's entertainment, 1012 00:34:50,923 --> 00:34:53,801 we have a very funny lady who is going to tell some jokes, 1013 00:34:53,884 --> 00:34:56,970 and then we'll have cake from Gino's Pastry Shop. 1014 00:34:57,054 --> 00:34:59,097 May I introduce to you, 1015 00:34:59,181 --> 00:35:01,225 Mrs. Miriam Maisel. 1016 00:35:01,308 --> 00:35:03,602 [audience applauds] 1017 00:35:08,732 --> 00:35:10,526 [exhales] 1018 00:35:10,609 --> 00:35:13,487 John F. Kennedy is running for president. 1019 00:35:14,488 --> 00:35:16,949 I know. It's great. 1020 00:35:17,032 --> 00:35:19,701 Right? We'll have a young, smart, 1021 00:35:19,785 --> 00:35:22,204 handsome president, and, boy, is he gonna be busy. 1022 00:35:22,287 --> 00:35:24,122 Have you read his platform yet? 1023 00:35:24,206 --> 00:35:26,083 He's got a six-point health care plan that includes everything 1024 00:35:26,166 --> 00:35:28,919 from building new hospitals to spiffier paper gowns 1025 00:35:29,002 --> 00:35:30,629 and turning the heat on so you don't freeze 1026 00:35:30,712 --> 00:35:32,172 your tush off in the examining room. 1027 00:35:32,256 --> 00:35:33,215 [laughter] 1028 00:35:33,298 --> 00:35:34,758 He's gonna give more money to NASA 1029 00:35:34,842 --> 00:35:36,844 and we are gonna send a man to the moon 1030 00:35:36,927 --> 00:35:38,846 before the Soviets. 1031 00:35:38,929 --> 00:35:41,098 All these things sound wonderful. 1032 00:35:41,181 --> 00:35:43,141 What could possibly be the downside of him winning? 1033 00:35:43,225 --> 00:35:45,686 What should we, every single woman in this room, 1034 00:35:45,769 --> 00:35:48,647 be very, very afraid of? 1035 00:35:51,692 --> 00:35:53,485 - This. - [laughter] 1036 00:35:53,569 --> 00:35:57,364 If he wins, this is going to be the first lady. 1037 00:35:57,447 --> 00:35:59,157 Can you imagine, you wake up, 1038 00:35:59,241 --> 00:36:02,119 your hair in curlers, pillow creases on your face, 1039 00:36:02,202 --> 00:36:04,204 and you sit down at the table and pick this up, 1040 00:36:04,288 --> 00:36:06,498 and see that face first thing in the morning? 1041 00:36:06,582 --> 00:36:09,251 I mean, really, is that fair? 1042 00:36:09,334 --> 00:36:12,462 And it's not just the face or the clothes or the poise-- 1043 00:36:12,546 --> 00:36:13,797 I mean, didn't they invent the word "poise" 1044 00:36:13,881 --> 00:36:15,007 just to describe this woman? 1045 00:36:15,090 --> 00:36:17,634 Can you picture Jackie Kennedy 1046 00:36:17,718 --> 00:36:19,136 having a bad hair day? 1047 00:36:19,219 --> 00:36:20,596 Or chipped nail polish? 1048 00:36:20,679 --> 00:36:22,931 Can you imagine her with mustard on her shirt? 1049 00:36:23,015 --> 00:36:25,893 Or with cramps? Now, Pat Nixon, that woman has cramps. 1050 00:36:25,976 --> 00:36:27,561 Probably every single day. 1051 00:36:27,644 --> 00:36:29,730 I'm sure Pat's a very nice lady, 1052 00:36:29,813 --> 00:36:31,356 but I feel like I know what she looks like 1053 00:36:31,440 --> 00:36:33,233 after a night with her in-laws. 1054 00:36:33,317 --> 00:36:35,444 Exhausted, slightly drunk, 1055 00:36:35,527 --> 00:36:37,905 full of resentment, and suddenly realizing 1056 00:36:37,988 --> 00:36:40,032 the ice pick can be used on something other than ice. 1057 00:36:40,115 --> 00:36:42,409 But not Jackie. 1058 00:36:42,492 --> 00:36:44,369 Her in-laws love her. 1059 00:36:44,453 --> 00:36:47,039 They eat her roast and bring her flowers. 1060 00:36:47,122 --> 00:36:49,124 She's fluent in French, Spanish 1061 00:36:49,207 --> 00:36:50,542 and Italian and Yiddish. 1062 00:36:50,626 --> 00:36:51,960 Okay, I have no proof about the last one, 1063 00:36:52,044 --> 00:36:53,295 but I still believe it's true. 1064 00:36:53,378 --> 00:36:56,173 - [laughter] - Do we really want a first lady 1065 00:36:56,256 --> 00:36:58,091 who looks like this on a horse? 1066 00:36:58,175 --> 00:36:59,968 Or do we want a first lady 1067 00:37:00,052 --> 00:37:02,012 who looks a little more like the horse? 1068 00:37:02,095 --> 00:37:03,472 I mean an attractive horse. 1069 00:37:03,555 --> 00:37:05,182 I'm talking Buttermilk, not Trigger. 1070 00:37:06,433 --> 00:37:08,685 - We women are dealing with a lot. - [woman] Right. 1071 00:37:08,769 --> 00:37:10,562 Do we really need to be constantly comparing 1072 00:37:10,646 --> 00:37:13,565 ourselves... Oh, come on! 1073 00:37:13,649 --> 00:37:16,443 Who has that kind of perfect facial expression 1074 00:37:16,526 --> 00:37:18,195 while they're at the beach? 1075 00:37:18,278 --> 00:37:20,697 Where's the sunburn? The sweat stains? 1076 00:37:20,781 --> 00:37:23,033 Where's the grape soda stain from her daughter 1077 00:37:23,116 --> 00:37:24,743 throwing up on her after the first time 1078 00:37:24,826 --> 00:37:26,703 she swung her around in the ocean? 1079 00:37:26,787 --> 00:37:28,747 Where is the look on Jackie's face that says, 1080 00:37:28,830 --> 00:37:30,707 "If I just let go right now..." 1081 00:37:30,791 --> 00:37:32,292 [audience clamoring] 1082 00:37:32,376 --> 00:37:34,002 She is absolutely perfect. 1083 00:37:34,086 --> 00:37:36,213 Here's a charming, little anecdote. 1084 00:37:36,296 --> 00:37:37,589 "When the senator lost the notes 1085 00:37:37,673 --> 00:37:38,966 for a speech which he had planned 1086 00:37:39,049 --> 00:37:41,009 to end with a quote from Tennyson's Ulysses, 1087 00:37:41,093 --> 00:37:43,428 Jackie bailed him out of trouble by quickly reciting 1088 00:37:43,512 --> 00:37:44,930 the appropriate lines from memory." 1089 00:37:45,013 --> 00:37:46,932 [audience] Oh... 1090 00:37:47,015 --> 00:37:48,934 Who are you?! 1091 00:37:49,017 --> 00:37:50,852 That was Pat Nixon asking, 1092 00:37:50,936 --> 00:37:52,729 not me. 1093 00:37:52,813 --> 00:37:54,773 That's a cute outfit. 1094 00:37:54,856 --> 00:37:56,692 That's cute, too. Sorry, I'm just shopping now. 1095 00:37:56,775 --> 00:37:58,402 You know, 1096 00:37:58,485 --> 00:38:00,404 I used to have a dress like this. 1097 00:38:00,487 --> 00:38:01,989 Called it my lucky dress. 1098 00:38:02,072 --> 00:38:04,074 And it was until... well, 1099 00:38:04,157 --> 00:38:06,243 that's a story for another time. 1100 00:38:06,326 --> 00:38:08,954 [audience clamoring] 1101 00:38:09,037 --> 00:38:11,081 Nope, wrong venue. It's a little racy. 1102 00:38:11,164 --> 00:38:13,792 There's baby carrots here. 1103 00:38:13,875 --> 00:38:16,086 We'll cover them up with the mashed potatoes. 1104 00:38:19,006 --> 00:38:20,257 All right. 1105 00:38:20,340 --> 00:38:22,342 [audience cheering] 1106 00:38:24,219 --> 00:38:27,514 Well, I am recently divorced. 1107 00:38:27,597 --> 00:38:29,474 And a little lonely. 1108 00:38:29,558 --> 00:38:31,351 And a couple weeks ago, I meet this man. 1109 00:38:31,435 --> 00:38:33,437 He seemed really nice, very handsome, 1110 00:38:33,520 --> 00:38:35,522 and I was in my lucky dress. Perfect combo. 1111 00:38:35,605 --> 00:38:38,275 So we go for coffee, but the coffee place is closed. 1112 00:38:38,358 --> 00:38:40,777 And so he suggests a little coffee at his apartment. 1113 00:38:40,861 --> 00:38:43,447 Anyhow, he was out of coffee, so we had sex. 1114 00:38:43,530 --> 00:38:46,033 - [audience gasping] - Now, I know what you're thinking. 1115 00:38:46,116 --> 00:38:48,201 He didn't have tea? Soda? 1116 00:38:48,285 --> 00:38:50,162 Fruit can be hydrating. How about an apple? 1117 00:38:50,245 --> 00:38:51,872 The only other option was sex? 1118 00:38:51,955 --> 00:38:53,999 Yes. It's my story, so deal with it. 1119 00:38:54,082 --> 00:38:57,961 So we had sex and it was great. 1120 00:38:58,045 --> 00:39:00,213 When suddenly the door flies open, 1121 00:39:00,297 --> 00:39:02,674 and this crazed woman comes in with a little dog 1122 00:39:02,758 --> 00:39:04,134 and starts yelling and screaming, 1123 00:39:04,217 --> 00:39:05,385 and I'm thinking, "Who is this nut?" 1124 00:39:05,469 --> 00:39:06,845 And I was about to suggest we call the police 1125 00:39:06,928 --> 00:39:08,513 until I realized it was his wife. 1126 00:39:08,597 --> 00:39:10,223 [audience gasping] 1127 00:39:10,307 --> 00:39:11,933 I couldn't believe it. 1128 00:39:12,017 --> 00:39:14,436 I was the other woman. I was the harlot. 1129 00:39:14,519 --> 00:39:17,314 The strumpet. I was all the things 1130 00:39:17,397 --> 00:39:19,149 I called my husband's mistress. 1131 00:39:19,232 --> 00:39:21,318 Can you imagine catching your husband 1132 00:39:21,401 --> 00:39:23,653 with another woman in your bed? 1133 00:39:23,737 --> 00:39:26,698 But as I was laying there, in her bed, 1134 00:39:26,782 --> 00:39:29,201 - under her sheets, I... - [woman crying] 1135 00:39:37,834 --> 00:39:40,754 Hey, look on the bright side. 1136 00:39:40,837 --> 00:39:43,590 She got to keep my lucky dress. 1137 00:39:43,673 --> 00:39:45,675 [women sobbing] 1138 00:39:48,345 --> 00:39:49,721 Where's that cake? 1139 00:39:49,805 --> 00:39:51,264 [woman sobs loudly] 1140 00:39:51,348 --> 00:39:53,350 [phone ringing] 1141 00:39:58,730 --> 00:40:00,357 Susie Myerson and Associates. 1142 00:40:00,440 --> 00:40:02,400 - [Midge] Hey, got a question. - Sure, what? 1143 00:40:02,484 --> 00:40:04,986 So, lunch tomorrow, Dinah told me 1:30, 1144 00:40:05,070 --> 00:40:06,738 but is that what time lunch is, or is that an hour before 1145 00:40:06,822 --> 00:40:09,032 the actual lunch because she figures I'll be an hour late? 1146 00:40:09,116 --> 00:40:10,492 Well, if she thinks you'll be an hour late, 1147 00:40:10,575 --> 00:40:11,827 that means we're meeting at 2:30. 1148 00:40:11,910 --> 00:40:13,203 And she told me 12:45. 1149 00:40:13,286 --> 00:40:15,080 And she knows I won't be more than 15 minutes late 1150 00:40:15,163 --> 00:40:16,331 'cause I'm coming from the Upper East Side, 1151 00:40:16,414 --> 00:40:17,374 so that doesn't make sense. 1152 00:40:17,457 --> 00:40:18,667 And I know she schedules these things 1153 00:40:18,750 --> 00:40:20,460 around my being late, so I'm already adjusting 1154 00:40:20,544 --> 00:40:22,796 to that, so is she adjusting to my adjustment? 1155 00:40:22,879 --> 00:40:25,090 You know, none of this matters, because tonight's the night. 1156 00:40:25,173 --> 00:40:27,509 I'm taking Dinah out to dinner so we can have the talk. 1157 00:40:27,592 --> 00:40:29,469 I let her pick the place and everything. 1158 00:40:29,553 --> 00:40:30,887 Oh, the talk. 1159 00:40:30,971 --> 00:40:32,472 Yeah, my hiring/firing book 1160 00:40:32,556 --> 00:40:34,099 says you should show as much respect as you can 1161 00:40:34,182 --> 00:40:35,475 to the person you're canning so they don't 1162 00:40:35,559 --> 00:40:37,185 show up and kill you or something. 1163 00:40:37,269 --> 00:40:38,562 Okay. I'll see you tomorrow. 1164 00:40:38,645 --> 00:40:39,855 And I'll have a little something for you, too. 1165 00:40:39,938 --> 00:40:41,565 A little something? What little something? 1166 00:40:41,648 --> 00:40:43,358 Besides a cupcake that Ethel Kennedy touched, 1167 00:40:43,441 --> 00:40:45,443 which makes it special, I'm bringing your cut of the gig. 1168 00:40:45,527 --> 00:40:47,154 - What gig? - A gig. I picked up a gig. 1169 00:40:47,237 --> 00:40:48,363 I didn't get you a gig. 1170 00:40:48,446 --> 00:40:49,948 Well, it was just a money gig I did. 1171 00:40:50,031 --> 00:40:51,324 It falls into the money category. 1172 00:40:51,408 --> 00:40:52,492 I'm all dolled up. 1173 00:40:52,576 --> 00:40:54,452 Okay, I have to go, 1174 00:40:54,536 --> 00:40:56,163 but tomorrow I'll be very interested 1175 00:40:56,246 --> 00:40:58,039 in hearing about what this gig was 1176 00:40:58,123 --> 00:40:59,583 that you did that I didn't book for you. 1177 00:40:59,666 --> 00:41:02,252 - Okay, I'll see you at 1:30. - 12:45. 1178 00:41:02,335 --> 00:41:04,504 You clean up nice. 1179 00:41:04,588 --> 00:41:06,381 Thanks. So do you. Shall we go? 1180 00:41:06,464 --> 00:41:08,049 Sure, but, hey, you know what? 1181 00:41:08,133 --> 00:41:09,718 Why don't you take that coat that you leave here 1182 00:41:09,801 --> 00:41:11,261 - all the time? - Why? 1183 00:41:11,344 --> 00:41:13,513 There's been a string of burglaries in the neighborhood. 1184 00:41:13,597 --> 00:41:15,056 Wouldn't want someone to take it. 1185 00:41:15,140 --> 00:41:17,017 Good deal. 1186 00:41:17,100 --> 00:41:18,977 Here, I had this bag lying around. 1187 00:41:19,060 --> 00:41:21,521 Put your coat in the bag. 1188 00:41:21,605 --> 00:41:24,441 You should take these pictures, too. 1189 00:41:24,524 --> 00:41:26,318 - Just to be safe. - Okay. 1190 00:41:26,401 --> 00:41:28,069 Is this something you like? 1191 00:41:28,153 --> 00:41:29,613 My nephew made it for me at camp. 1192 00:41:29,696 --> 00:41:33,450 Yeah, throw that in. This, too. 1193 00:41:33,533 --> 00:41:35,493 Okay. 1194 00:41:35,577 --> 00:41:38,580 That is it. 1195 00:41:38,663 --> 00:41:39,831 Let's eat. 1196 00:41:39,915 --> 00:41:42,125 [indistinct chatter] 1197 00:41:42,209 --> 00:41:44,044 Chicken and waffles with collard greens? 1198 00:41:44,127 --> 00:41:46,213 I mean, who knew this would be an appetizing combination? 1199 00:41:46,296 --> 00:41:48,173 Well, it's good, so someone did. 1200 00:41:48,256 --> 00:41:49,841 I like people with a vision. 1201 00:41:49,925 --> 00:41:51,092 Listen, Dinah... 1202 00:41:51,176 --> 00:41:52,719 Damn, there's Hank. Scoot to the right. 1203 00:41:52,802 --> 00:41:54,221 - Why? - To block him. 1204 00:41:54,304 --> 00:41:56,514 - Fine. - Little more. 1205 00:41:56,598 --> 00:41:59,309 - Little more, little more, little more, little more, stop! - You good? 1206 00:41:59,392 --> 00:42:00,685 - I'm good. - Okay. 1207 00:42:00,769 --> 00:42:02,103 So, Dinah, I want to make sure 1208 00:42:02,187 --> 00:42:03,521 you're happy in this job, 1209 00:42:03,605 --> 00:42:05,398 'cause if you're not, we need to talk. 1210 00:42:05,482 --> 00:42:06,691 Oh, I'm happy. 1211 00:42:06,775 --> 00:42:08,735 - You don't seem it. - I'm super happy. 1212 00:42:08,818 --> 00:42:10,779 I'm happier than I've ever been in my whole life. 1213 00:42:10,862 --> 00:42:13,698 Had a toy dog made of wood when I was a kid. You pull the leash 1214 00:42:13,782 --> 00:42:15,700 and he wags his tail and walks and his eyes move? 1215 00:42:15,784 --> 00:42:17,869 That brought me a ton of joy. This is better. 1216 00:42:17,953 --> 00:42:20,580 Right, but as your employer, I need to be happy, as well. 1217 00:42:20,664 --> 00:42:22,165 I'm trying to picture you happy. 1218 00:42:22,249 --> 00:42:23,750 It's a struggle. 1219 00:42:23,833 --> 00:42:25,961 Yeah, maybe I don't get skip- around, all-happy-pappy happy, 1220 00:42:26,044 --> 00:42:28,046 but I am talking satisfied employer happy. 1221 00:42:28,129 --> 00:42:29,589 See, I have to constantly be... 1222 00:42:29,673 --> 00:42:32,467 Hey, hey, sorry, y'all. Dinner's ruined. James is here. 1223 00:42:32,550 --> 00:42:34,719 - Are you kidding me? - I didn't bring you here for chicken and waffles. 1224 00:42:34,803 --> 00:42:36,179 I brought you here to see James. 1225 00:42:36,263 --> 00:42:37,722 That's right. It's a comedian doing comedy. 1226 00:42:37,806 --> 00:42:39,683 - Dinah... - Comedy being 1227 00:42:39,766 --> 00:42:40,892 the only way a Black man can kill 1228 00:42:40,976 --> 00:42:42,269 and have a room full of white people 1229 00:42:42,352 --> 00:42:43,561 tell him, "Good job." 1230 00:42:43,645 --> 00:42:44,813 [man] Sit down, James. 1231 00:42:44,896 --> 00:42:46,314 [James] Brother, you look like you killed somebody. 1232 00:42:46,398 --> 00:42:48,316 Look, I killed somebody, too, so on the count of three, 1233 00:42:48,400 --> 00:42:49,985 let's both say who we killed. 1234 00:42:50,068 --> 00:42:51,903 Don't worry, nobody's listening anyway. 1235 00:42:51,987 --> 00:42:53,697 One, two, three. 1236 00:42:53,780 --> 00:42:55,031 Bing Crosby. 1237 00:42:55,115 --> 00:42:58,451 Welched on a golf bet, so I smoked his ass. 1238 00:42:58,535 --> 00:43:00,287 We got some folks at the lunch counter right now, 1239 00:43:00,370 --> 00:43:01,871 they're protesting me still talking. 1240 00:43:01,955 --> 00:43:03,957 He's super clumsy, but I think he's funny. 1241 00:43:04,040 --> 00:43:05,458 [James] Look, I'm trying to be nice. 1242 00:43:05,542 --> 00:43:07,919 My mama always said you get more with sugar 1243 00:43:08,003 --> 00:43:09,879 than you get with vinegar. 1244 00:43:09,963 --> 00:43:12,299 I guess that's why she only got her left foot now, 1245 00:43:12,382 --> 00:43:13,383 'cause of all that sugar. 1246 00:43:13,466 --> 00:43:14,759 [both laugh] 1247 00:43:14,843 --> 00:43:16,678 Yeah, I figured folks with diabetes wouldn't laugh at that, 1248 00:43:16,761 --> 00:43:19,097 so I just learned a whole lot about you all here. 1249 00:43:19,180 --> 00:43:21,266 Hey, hey, pour some more syrup on that shit, brother. 1250 00:43:21,349 --> 00:43:23,435 My mama would kill me 1251 00:43:23,518 --> 00:43:25,312 if she knew I was doing this tonight. 1252 00:43:25,395 --> 00:43:27,439 She worked her whole life to keep me out of danger, 1253 00:43:27,522 --> 00:43:29,733 and here I am doing the most dangerous thing you can do-- 1254 00:43:29,816 --> 00:43:31,484 interrupt Black folks while they eat. 1255 00:43:31,568 --> 00:43:34,404 You know, I'm actually trying to get beyond the Negro audience. 1256 00:43:34,487 --> 00:43:36,531 Because everything's aimed at white people. 1257 00:43:36,614 --> 00:43:38,491 I mean, that's where the money is. 1258 00:43:38,575 --> 00:43:40,493 I mean, think about children's stories. 1259 00:43:40,577 --> 00:43:42,162 If Hansel and Gretel were Black, 1260 00:43:42,245 --> 00:43:44,789 that story would be four lines. 1261 00:43:44,873 --> 00:43:47,459 The kids leave cornbread crumbs to follow their tracks. 1262 00:43:47,542 --> 00:43:49,336 The witch catches up to 'em and say, 1263 00:43:49,419 --> 00:43:50,795 "What's that cornbread recipe?" 1264 00:43:50,879 --> 00:43:52,714 Together they make the greatest cornbread of all time. 1265 00:43:52,797 --> 00:43:55,592 She forgets to eat 'em, end of story. 1266 00:43:55,675 --> 00:43:58,595 - Black Beauty, yeah... - You found this guy? 1267 00:43:58,678 --> 00:44:00,305 Yeah, I've seen him twice. He just seems special. 1268 00:44:00,388 --> 00:44:02,265 - [James] Thank you, Anna Sewell... - Yeah. 1269 00:44:02,349 --> 00:44:03,933 - He is. - [man] Don't quit your day job. 1270 00:44:04,017 --> 00:44:06,853 You know, I-I don't just play at smelly restaurants. 1271 00:44:06,936 --> 00:44:10,482 I also play a wide range of upscale lavatories 1272 00:44:10,565 --> 00:44:12,942 - all across the tristate area. - [man] Where my pork chop at? 1273 00:44:13,026 --> 00:44:15,028 - Hey, Junior! - Hey, James. 1274 00:44:15,111 --> 00:44:17,489 Dinah Ruttles. What's up? 1275 00:44:17,572 --> 00:44:19,449 This is Susie. I told you about her. 1276 00:44:19,532 --> 00:44:21,534 Refresh my memory. 1277 00:44:21,618 --> 00:44:23,578 - I'm a talent manager. - All right. 1278 00:44:23,661 --> 00:44:25,246 Look, I think you're funny as hell. 1279 00:44:25,330 --> 00:44:27,290 - But... - What? 1280 00:44:27,374 --> 00:44:29,042 There's always a "but" with you people. 1281 00:44:29,125 --> 00:44:30,168 Don't do that. 1282 00:44:30,251 --> 00:44:32,212 Okay, fair enough, here's the but. 1283 00:44:32,295 --> 00:44:33,963 But you got lousy segues. 1284 00:44:34,047 --> 00:44:36,091 Yeah, I know I've got some segue issues. 1285 00:44:36,174 --> 00:44:38,051 And you meander. You got a lot of topics. 1286 00:44:38,134 --> 00:44:40,136 - Too many. - Well, I got a lot of things on my mind. 1287 00:44:40,220 --> 00:44:41,638 Good. Hone it. 1288 00:44:41,721 --> 00:44:43,098 Anything else? 1289 00:44:43,181 --> 00:44:45,975 - You got management? - Managers just take your money. 1290 00:44:46,059 --> 00:44:48,436 Oh, yeah? You got a lot of experience with managers? 1291 00:44:48,520 --> 00:44:50,730 - I've heard things. - Well, have you heard that without a manager, 1292 00:44:50,814 --> 00:44:53,024 you'll be working men's rooms for the next ten years? 1293 00:44:53,108 --> 00:44:55,235 She full of shit? 1294 00:44:55,318 --> 00:44:57,028 - Not about this. - I want to manage you. 1295 00:44:57,112 --> 00:44:58,822 Let's try it for six months. 1296 00:44:58,905 --> 00:45:01,449 See if, at the very least, I can get you into better bathrooms. 1297 00:45:02,826 --> 00:45:04,536 You got a card? 1298 00:45:04,619 --> 00:45:06,621 Hmm. 1299 00:45:07,872 --> 00:45:09,416 Take a fry. 1300 00:45:09,499 --> 00:45:11,584 Call me tomorrow. I'll buy you lunch. 1301 00:45:14,629 --> 00:45:16,631 Later, James. 1302 00:45:18,383 --> 00:45:19,884 I should get home. 1303 00:45:19,968 --> 00:45:22,262 My mama gets worried when I'm out and I don't call. 1304 00:45:22,345 --> 00:45:24,180 Here, I'll take this. 1305 00:45:24,264 --> 00:45:26,391 Oh, so I'm coming back tomorrow? 1306 00:45:26,474 --> 00:45:28,184 Yeah. Of course you are. 1307 00:45:28,268 --> 00:45:29,477 9:30, don't be late. 1308 00:45:29,561 --> 00:45:31,938 Okay, just have your pants on 1309 00:45:32,021 --> 00:45:33,523 when I get there. 1310 00:45:33,606 --> 00:45:36,234 Yeah, I almost never not have my pants on. 1311 00:45:36,317 --> 00:45:38,611 - What's the purple? - I'm guessing it's an eggplant. 1312 00:45:38,695 --> 00:45:41,114 - Or a grape. - [Midge] I don't want Esther dressed as an eggplant. 1313 00:45:41,197 --> 00:45:42,824 She doesn't want Esther dressed as an eggplant. 1314 00:45:42,907 --> 00:45:44,117 That's why the choices. 1315 00:45:44,200 --> 00:45:45,994 You got your pumpkin, you got your carrot, 1316 00:45:46,077 --> 00:45:48,079 - you got a couple varieties of beans. - You hear that? 1317 00:45:48,163 --> 00:45:50,165 A pineapple would look cute on Esther. 1318 00:45:50,248 --> 00:45:51,499 Any sweet fruit would look good on her. 1319 00:45:51,583 --> 00:45:52,709 Just don't make her savory. 1320 00:45:52,792 --> 00:45:54,294 A sweet fruit for Esther. 1321 00:45:54,377 --> 00:45:56,212 And Ethan'll probably want to be a banana or a carrot. 1322 00:45:56,296 --> 00:45:58,423 You know, those shapes that boys are so obsessed with. 1323 00:45:58,506 --> 00:46:00,633 - Got it, carrot for Ethan. - [Moishe] Easy-peasy. 1324 00:46:00,717 --> 00:46:02,844 - [Joel] So we're good to go? - Sure. 1325 00:46:02,927 --> 00:46:04,512 - We're good, Pop. - I'll tell your mother. 1326 00:46:04,596 --> 00:46:06,556 Hey, Pop, why don't you stay and have a quick drink? 1327 00:46:06,639 --> 00:46:08,141 I won't say no to that. 1328 00:46:08,224 --> 00:46:10,226 - Meet me at the bar. - You got it. 1329 00:46:12,395 --> 00:46:14,314 So, look, I'm telling Pop 1330 00:46:14,397 --> 00:46:16,274 tonight about Mei. About everything. 1331 00:46:16,357 --> 00:46:18,276 - I'd say it's overdue. - I know. 1332 00:46:18,359 --> 00:46:20,069 I'm just telling you as a courtesy. 1333 00:46:20,153 --> 00:46:22,489 They'll probably call Abe and Rose as soon as they hear. 1334 00:46:22,572 --> 00:46:24,574 Okay. Thanks for the heads-up. 1335 00:46:24,657 --> 00:46:26,159 Pineapple and carrot's good. 1336 00:46:26,242 --> 00:46:27,577 It's gonna work. 1337 00:46:27,660 --> 00:46:30,205 I agree. Keep me posted. 1338 00:46:30,288 --> 00:46:32,707 [Gordon] Welcome back, you're watching The Gordon Ford Show. 1339 00:46:32,790 --> 00:46:35,376 And we got funny man Lenny Bruce. 1340 00:46:35,460 --> 00:46:38,129 So, Carnegie Hall, you nervous about filling the place? 1341 00:46:38,213 --> 00:46:41,174 Not until about three seconds ago, Gordy, no. 1342 00:46:41,257 --> 00:46:42,800 [laughs] Yeah, but you don't have 1343 00:46:42,884 --> 00:46:44,636 performance anxiety anymore, do you, Lenny? 1344 00:46:44,719 --> 00:46:46,137 [audience laughing] 1345 00:46:46,221 --> 00:46:48,598 Wait a minute, wait a... [laughs] 1346 00:46:48,681 --> 00:46:51,226 Wait a minute, no, no, no, no, you know what I meant. 1347 00:46:51,309 --> 00:46:53,102 Now, come on, l-let's-let's keep it clean here, folks. 1348 00:46:53,186 --> 00:46:54,729 Nabisco's one of our sponsors. 1349 00:46:54,812 --> 00:46:56,648 [Lenny] Hey, it's your audience who's got the dirty mind. 1350 00:46:56,731 --> 00:46:58,900 Mine is clean as Anita Bryant's. 1351 00:46:58,983 --> 00:47:00,652 Well, you're gonna fill the place. 1352 00:47:00,735 --> 00:47:02,695 - I've got confidence in you. - Okay, look, uh... 1353 00:47:02,779 --> 00:47:06,282 I'm going to awkwardly shill for myself here, Gordy. 1354 00:47:06,366 --> 00:47:09,369 My manager made me promise, so here goes. 1355 00:47:09,452 --> 00:47:11,621 Uh, z-zoom in on me, guys. 1356 00:47:11,704 --> 00:47:13,706 Uh, come on. 1357 00:47:13,790 --> 00:47:15,750 There you go. Oh, watch the cue card, though. 1358 00:47:15,833 --> 00:47:17,877 All right, that's... real... There it is. 1359 00:47:17,961 --> 00:47:20,630 Uh... [laughs] 1360 00:47:20,713 --> 00:47:23,716 Folks, this is Lenny Bruce. 1361 00:47:23,800 --> 00:47:26,803 Asking you to please, please 1362 00:47:26,886 --> 00:47:29,681 come to my show at the hall they call Carnegie. 1363 00:47:29,764 --> 00:47:31,641 My self-esteem is at risk here. 1364 00:47:31,724 --> 00:47:34,936 A less-than-sold-out show would shatter my fragile ego 1365 00:47:35,019 --> 00:47:37,772 and hurt something very dear to the lawyers of America, 1366 00:47:37,855 --> 00:47:39,440 my bank account. 1367 00:47:39,524 --> 00:47:42,402 So come to my show. 1368 00:47:42,485 --> 00:47:45,738 And buy Nabisco products, for Gordy's sake. 1369 00:47:45,822 --> 00:47:47,949 I'm telling you, dunk a Ritz Cracker 1370 00:47:48,032 --> 00:47:51,327 in a dry whiskey... tasty, gang. 1371 00:47:51,411 --> 00:47:52,996 [Gordon] Okay, well, how about we get some Ritz Crackers 1372 00:47:53,079 --> 00:47:54,872 and whiskey for everyone in the audience, huh? 1373 00:47:54,956 --> 00:47:57,375 [audience cheering] 1374 00:47:57,417 --> 00:47:58,876 [♪ "Que Será, Será"] 1375 00:47:58,960 --> 00:48:00,795 Let's clink, kiddo. You know your mother. 1376 00:48:00,878 --> 00:48:02,714 She's gonna want me home at some point. 1377 00:48:02,797 --> 00:48:05,258 [both] L'chaim. 1378 00:48:05,341 --> 00:48:07,093 So, what's on your mind? 1379 00:48:07,176 --> 00:48:08,970 Just wanted to have a drink with my favorite father. 1380 00:48:09,053 --> 00:48:10,722 Once more, with feeling. 1381 00:48:10,805 --> 00:48:13,224 Okay. So I know I was a little cagey before, 1382 00:48:13,308 --> 00:48:14,767 about this girl I'm seeing. 1383 00:48:14,851 --> 00:48:16,811 - Supposedly seeing. - There is a girl. 1384 00:48:16,894 --> 00:48:18,730 A great girl. The name's Mei. 1385 00:48:18,813 --> 00:48:20,940 May? A lovely month, a lovely name. 1386 00:48:21,024 --> 00:48:23,234 And she is going to be a doctor. 1387 00:48:23,318 --> 00:48:24,902 So that part is true? Good for you. 1388 00:48:24,986 --> 00:48:26,821 And it looks like we're gonna get married. 1389 00:48:26,904 --> 00:48:28,906 Yes! We should've gotten doubles. 1390 00:48:28,990 --> 00:48:30,366 I can fix that. 1391 00:48:30,450 --> 00:48:33,202 Married! Your mother's gonna plotz! 1392 00:48:33,286 --> 00:48:35,622 But... that's only the half of it. 1393 00:48:35,705 --> 00:48:37,749 Only the half? There's another half? 1394 00:48:37,832 --> 00:48:40,126 - I'm all ears. - Okay. 1395 00:48:40,209 --> 00:48:42,420 I'll get your waitress. Linda? 1396 00:48:42,503 --> 00:48:44,505 [woman singing in foreign language] 1397 00:48:50,511 --> 00:48:53,306 ♪ Que será, será... 1398 00:48:56,601 --> 00:48:57,518 - [woman screams] - Shit! 1399 00:48:57,602 --> 00:48:59,771 Pop! Pop! 1400 00:48:59,854 --> 00:49:01,898 Call an ambulance! Call an ambulance! 1401 00:49:01,981 --> 00:49:03,107 Is there a doctor in the house? 1402 00:49:03,191 --> 00:49:04,901 Any kind of doctor? 1403 00:49:04,984 --> 00:49:07,862 - [♪ XTC: "Hold Me My Daddy"] - ♪ Hold me, my daddy ♪ 1404 00:49:07,945 --> 00:49:11,908 ♪ I never felt lower than dirt on the floor ♪ 1405 00:49:11,991 --> 00:49:15,620 ♪ I say hold me, my daddy ♪ 1406 00:49:15,703 --> 00:49:20,541 ♪ I never felt like crying oceans before ♪ 1407 00:49:20,625 --> 00:49:26,172 ♪ If this means war, why are we in it? ♪ 1408 00:49:28,257 --> 00:49:32,220 ♪ Might have fired off a couple of rounds ♪ 1409 00:49:32,303 --> 00:49:36,724 ♪ I didn't mean to begin it ♪ 1410 00:49:36,808 --> 00:49:40,812 ♪ If these are the bullets that every father ♪ 1411 00:49:40,895 --> 00:49:43,481 ♪ And son must chew ♪ 1412 00:49:43,564 --> 00:49:47,193 ♪ Well, then hold me, my daddy ♪ 1413 00:49:47,276 --> 00:49:51,197 ♪ I forgot to say I love you ♪ 1414 00:49:58,121 --> 00:50:01,624 ♪ Hold me, my daddy ♪ 1415 00:50:01,708 --> 00:50:06,254 ♪ It hurts me to see grown men fighting this way ♪ 1416 00:50:06,337 --> 00:50:09,924 ♪ I say hold me, my daddy ♪ 1417 00:50:10,007 --> 00:50:14,804 ♪ The young and the old dog aren't having their day ♪ 1418 00:50:14,887 --> 00:50:20,143 ♪ This civil war, why are we in it? ♪ 1419 00:50:20,226 --> 00:50:22,854 ♪ Hold me ♪ 1420 00:50:22,937 --> 00:50:26,190 ♪ There's nobody on this flat earth ♪ 1421 00:50:26,274 --> 00:50:31,028 ♪ Would ever want to win it ♪ 1422 00:50:31,112 --> 00:50:35,074 ♪ If these are the hot coals that every father ♪ 1423 00:50:35,158 --> 00:50:37,535 ♪ And son walks through ♪ 1424 00:50:37,618 --> 00:50:41,497 ♪ Well, then hold me, my daddy ♪ 1425 00:50:41,581 --> 00:50:45,293 ♪ I forgot to say I love you ♪ 1426 00:50:49,964 --> 00:50:55,219 ♪ And if you agree we can make amends ♪ 1427 00:50:57,138 --> 00:51:03,853 ♪ All this squabbling I've hated ♪ 1428 00:51:05,354 --> 00:51:11,068 ♪ In another time and another place where our history bends ♪ 1429 00:51:13,154 --> 00:51:16,282 ♪ We could've been the best of friends ♪ 1430 00:51:16,365 --> 00:51:20,369 ♪ And not merely related ♪♪