1 00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:10,553 [children chattering, squealing playfully in distance] 2 00:00:10,636 --> 00:00:13,180 [inhales sharply, groans] 3 00:00:18,894 --> 00:00:22,022 [groaning] 4 00:00:23,733 --> 00:00:25,735 [distant, muffled chatter] 5 00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:37,997 [sighs] 6 00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:40,082 [toys squeaking] 7 00:00:42,293 --> 00:00:44,295 [ice cream truck music plays in distance] 8 00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:53,971 [toys clatter] 9 00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:56,056 [running footsteps] 10 00:00:58,476 --> 00:01:00,478 [quiet chatter in distance] 11 00:01:04,023 --> 00:01:06,025 [running footsteps] 12 00:01:07,651 --> 00:01:09,153 [Abe] Lenny. 13 00:01:09,236 --> 00:01:11,530 Good morning. Would you like some coffee? 14 00:01:11,614 --> 00:01:14,325 - I... - We have bagels, bialys, grapefruit. 15 00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:16,494 - Zelda could make you a blintz. - Oh, yes. Go with the blintz. 16 00:01:16,619 --> 00:01:18,037 The blintz is a wonderful choice. 17 00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:20,331 I'm sorry, who are you? 18 00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:22,416 - Miss December. - You look different. 19 00:01:22,500 --> 00:01:24,794 It was the night you were talking about Miss December. 20 00:01:24,877 --> 00:01:26,295 We were in jail together. 21 00:01:26,378 --> 00:01:28,005 Well, I've been in jail with a variety of people. 22 00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:29,507 [Rose] Oh, by the way, we told the children 23 00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:30,883 you were in their room because you had 24 00:01:30,966 --> 00:01:32,426 a tummy ache from eating too many cookies. 25 00:01:32,510 --> 00:01:34,804 We'd like you to stick with that story, if you don't mind. 26 00:01:34,887 --> 00:01:36,263 Personally, I advocated for the truth. 27 00:01:36,347 --> 00:01:38,808 [Rose] I wasn't in the mood to describe a mild case 28 00:01:38,891 --> 00:01:41,519 of alcohol poisoning to a five-year-old, so if he asks... 29 00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:43,062 - Who? - Ethan. 30 00:01:43,145 --> 00:01:44,522 I don't know who... 31 00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:47,399 If a child asks you why you're here, your answer is... 32 00:01:49,318 --> 00:01:50,820 I thought you said he was bright. 33 00:01:50,903 --> 00:01:52,279 I was talking about his humor. 34 00:01:52,363 --> 00:01:53,906 As a man, he could be a total idiot. 35 00:01:53,989 --> 00:01:55,366 Excuse me. 36 00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:57,743 Uh, last night, I had a few more things on me. 37 00:01:57,827 --> 00:02:01,247 - A... a coat, shoes, a wallet. - [children's music plays in distance] 38 00:02:01,330 --> 00:02:03,332 - D-Does anyone else hear that? - [Midge] Success. 39 00:02:03,415 --> 00:02:05,543 Hey, look who's finally up. 40 00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:07,920 - Wait. You. - Oh? 41 00:02:08,003 --> 00:02:09,922 - I know you. - I know you, too. 42 00:02:10,005 --> 00:02:12,007 And you are a very sound sleeper. 43 00:02:12,091 --> 00:02:13,384 Ethan climbed right over you 44 00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:15,261 to get his fire truck, and you didn't budge. 45 00:02:15,344 --> 00:02:17,179 Wait. Oh, God. 46 00:02:17,263 --> 00:02:19,932 [Lenny muttering] 47 00:02:20,015 --> 00:02:22,017 - [snaps fingers] - That's the Hudson River out the window. 48 00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:23,727 Upper West Side. 49 00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:26,272 You're right-- he must have someone else write his material. 50 00:02:26,355 --> 00:02:28,691 - You want some coffee? - We offered. He just stared. 51 00:02:28,774 --> 00:02:30,317 I'm sorry I wasn't there when you woke up, 52 00:02:30,401 --> 00:02:31,861 but I'm toilet-training my daughter. 53 00:02:31,944 --> 00:02:33,612 When she does good, she gets the song. 54 00:02:33,696 --> 00:02:35,906 And today, she did very, very good. 55 00:02:35,990 --> 00:02:37,283 Yesterday was a disaster. 56 00:02:37,366 --> 00:02:38,492 We have to replace the wallpaper. 57 00:02:38,576 --> 00:02:40,160 Well, everybody has their ups... 58 00:02:40,244 --> 00:02:42,288 - Uh, could I... - Hmm? 59 00:02:42,371 --> 00:02:44,498 - Do you want to take a shower? - I do not want to take a shower. 60 00:02:44,582 --> 00:02:46,000 [Rose] I think you should take a shower. 61 00:02:46,083 --> 00:02:47,543 Thank you very much, lady in the kitchen. 62 00:02:47,626 --> 00:02:50,004 I will shower when I... Shit. 63 00:02:50,087 --> 00:02:52,631 [Midge] Oh. Ow. 64 00:02:52,715 --> 00:02:54,466 How did I get here? 65 00:02:54,550 --> 00:02:56,552 - What do you remember? - Nothing. 66 00:02:56,635 --> 00:02:58,804 Well, last night, I was driving home from the club, 67 00:02:58,888 --> 00:03:00,639 and I saw you passed out on the ground. 68 00:03:00,723 --> 00:03:02,433 I tried to ask you where you were staying, 69 00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:04,143 and you said, "Nice hair." 70 00:03:04,226 --> 00:03:06,061 - I said, "Nice hair"? - No, but for the sake 71 00:03:06,145 --> 00:03:07,479 of our friendship, let's stick with "hair." 72 00:03:07,563 --> 00:03:09,315 Anyhow, I said, "Thanks," and I brought you here 73 00:03:09,398 --> 00:03:10,691 and stuck you in my son's room. 74 00:03:10,774 --> 00:03:12,568 - Oh, with the tiny bed. - Well, he's five. 75 00:03:12,651 --> 00:03:14,445 - Was I robbed last night? - Not that I know of. 76 00:03:14,528 --> 00:03:17,156 Where are my shoes, my jacket, my wallet, my watch? 77 00:03:17,239 --> 00:03:18,908 Zelda insisted on pressing your jacket 78 00:03:18,991 --> 00:03:21,285 and shining your shoes, and I took your wallet and hid it 79 00:03:21,368 --> 00:03:23,245 because Ethan's going through a money-eating phase, 80 00:03:23,329 --> 00:03:24,997 and I have no idea where your watch is. 81 00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:26,582 - Let me go look. - Wait. 82 00:03:26,665 --> 00:03:28,834 - I need your pants. - I need them more. 83 00:03:28,918 --> 00:03:30,502 They are wrinkled. They are bad pants. 84 00:03:30,586 --> 00:03:32,838 Well, you just have to get to know them better. 85 00:03:32,922 --> 00:03:35,883 [Midge] Okay! I found your watch! 86 00:03:35,966 --> 00:03:37,718 Oh. Zelda, the jacket looks great. 87 00:03:37,801 --> 00:03:39,178 You want to give her your pants? 88 00:03:39,261 --> 00:03:40,554 Take a wild guess. 89 00:03:40,638 --> 00:03:42,514 - He's keeping the pants, Zelda. - [Zelda clicking tongue] 90 00:03:42,598 --> 00:03:44,767 Shoes and wallet. 91 00:03:44,850 --> 00:03:46,518 Ethan did find it, and he took a bite 92 00:03:46,602 --> 00:03:48,312 out of a ten spot, so I'll reimburse you. 93 00:03:48,395 --> 00:03:50,606 I could not find your tie, but it'll turn up eventually. 94 00:03:50,689 --> 00:03:52,191 Keep the tie. 95 00:03:52,274 --> 00:03:54,860 - Lenny. - I have ties. 96 00:03:54,944 --> 00:03:57,488 Thank you for this, but the next time you see me 97 00:03:57,571 --> 00:03:59,281 and you think that I might need help, 98 00:03:59,365 --> 00:04:01,450 please just keep walking. 99 00:04:02,451 --> 00:04:03,869 [Midge] Hey. 100 00:04:03,953 --> 00:04:06,497 Hey. Drama queen. 101 00:04:08,290 --> 00:04:09,667 Dead end. 102 00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:14,838 Can we please... Lenny. 103 00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:16,632 The elevator... 104 00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:19,635 [buzzing] 105 00:04:20,678 --> 00:04:22,221 [bell dings] 106 00:04:23,514 --> 00:04:25,641 Why the hell do you live on such a high floor? 107 00:04:25,724 --> 00:04:27,601 Why are you... Really? 108 00:04:27,685 --> 00:04:28,978 Lenny! 109 00:04:29,061 --> 00:04:30,521 Morning, Mrs. Teitelbaum. 110 00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:31,814 Lenny! 111 00:04:32,856 --> 00:04:34,191 Lenny. 112 00:04:35,359 --> 00:04:37,486 Don't you have cabs on the Upper West Side? 113 00:04:37,569 --> 00:04:40,030 Honestly, they may be steering clear of you. 114 00:04:40,114 --> 00:04:41,532 - Here. - What's that? 115 00:04:41,615 --> 00:04:43,701 - That's your shoe. - No, I'm wearing my... 116 00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:45,160 Two seconds ago, it was on. 117 00:04:45,244 --> 00:04:47,454 - Why are you so upset? - I have to get home. 118 00:04:47,538 --> 00:04:49,707 I basically scraped you off the sidewalk last night, 119 00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:51,834 and you're mad at me? You should be thankful. 120 00:04:51,917 --> 00:04:53,711 I'm thankful. Go back inside. 121 00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:55,379 Protect the wallpaper at all costs. 122 00:04:55,462 --> 00:04:57,047 You do know you're acting like a child, right? 123 00:04:57,131 --> 00:04:58,549 Of course I'm acting like a child. 124 00:04:58,632 --> 00:05:00,634 I'm a comedian. Please go back inside. 125 00:05:00,718 --> 00:05:02,553 Lenny Bruce. That's Lenny Bruce. 126 00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:04,221 - Hey, Lenny. - Yes. Hello. 127 00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:05,723 - Lenny, you're the best. - Thank you. 128 00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:07,224 I don't understand what's going on here. 129 00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:09,560 - You don't? - You're the king, Lenny. The fucking king. 130 00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:11,437 Thank you. As my subject, you're dismissed. 131 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:12,646 - Both of you. - [driver] Lenny. 132 00:05:12,730 --> 00:05:14,023 If you want a cab, you might want to try... 133 00:05:14,064 --> 00:05:15,190 - Don't tell me how to get a cab. - [driver] Lenny! 134 00:05:15,274 --> 00:05:16,900 I wasn't telling you how to get a cab. 135 00:05:16,984 --> 00:05:18,736 I was telling you where to get a cab. 136 00:05:18,819 --> 00:05:20,195 - [driver] Lenny! - I can get a cab. 137 00:05:20,279 --> 00:05:21,655 I've been getting cabs since before you were born. 138 00:05:21,739 --> 00:05:24,241 Hey, Lenny, I'm talking to you. Look at me. 139 00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:26,452 Is this really how you act when someone does you a favor? 140 00:05:26,535 --> 00:05:27,953 I'm over here giving you compliments, 141 00:05:28,037 --> 00:05:29,830 - and you're ignoring me. - I'm sorry, have you two met? 142 00:05:29,913 --> 00:05:31,665 Hey. Fuck you, Bruce. You hear me? 143 00:05:31,749 --> 00:05:33,083 You're the poor man's Mort Sahl. 144 00:05:33,167 --> 00:05:34,460 The-the light's green, sir. 145 00:05:34,543 --> 00:05:36,170 Go iron your pants, you cocksucker. 146 00:05:36,253 --> 00:05:37,921 Why are you acting like this? 147 00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:40,007 Because this is not my scene. 148 00:05:40,090 --> 00:05:42,009 This place, that apron, 149 00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:43,886 Grandma and Grandpa having breakfast, 150 00:05:43,969 --> 00:05:46,263 kids running around learning to shit, 151 00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:48,599 Leni Riefenstahl demanding my pants. 152 00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:50,684 Well, the last one's a little my scene, but... 153 00:05:50,768 --> 00:05:53,312 Wow. I am absolutely stunned. 154 00:05:53,395 --> 00:05:55,105 - I know you meant well. - Yeah. I meant well. 155 00:05:55,189 --> 00:05:57,066 I brought you to my home so you could sleep it off 156 00:05:57,149 --> 00:05:58,776 in a bed and not a holding cell. 157 00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:01,195 Sorry my parents and my kids are not your scene. 158 00:06:01,278 --> 00:06:03,822 I don't care about the kids. I have a kid. 159 00:06:03,906 --> 00:06:05,908 - You do? - Yes. 160 00:06:05,991 --> 00:06:07,951 - Boy or girl? - Girl. 161 00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:09,578 - You've never mentioned her. - Really? 162 00:06:09,661 --> 00:06:11,872 In all the times we've been sitting around knitting 163 00:06:11,955 --> 00:06:14,291 and making apple dolls while the pies bake in the oven, 164 00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:16,168 I've never discussed my child with you? 165 00:06:16,251 --> 00:06:18,420 You know why? Because we're not supposed to. 166 00:06:18,504 --> 00:06:20,672 That's not how it works. We're comics. 167 00:06:20,756 --> 00:06:22,382 [à la Dracula] Creatures of the night. 168 00:06:22,466 --> 00:06:24,510 We discuss debauchery and pornography. 169 00:06:24,593 --> 00:06:26,845 We make jokes about dictators coming over for dinner. 170 00:06:26,929 --> 00:06:28,931 Ten minutes on how Stalin likes his steak. 171 00:06:29,014 --> 00:06:31,558 We don't wear aprons and discuss potty training. 172 00:06:31,642 --> 00:06:34,686 If I want to talk about my daughter, I'll call my mother. 173 00:06:36,522 --> 00:06:37,940 What are you doing? 174 00:06:38,023 --> 00:06:39,441 I have to take a piss. 175 00:06:39,525 --> 00:06:41,819 Well, come back upstairs and use the bathroom. 176 00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:43,612 If I use your bathroom, you'll play music. 177 00:06:43,695 --> 00:06:45,531 I don't want a soundtrack while I pee. 178 00:06:45,614 --> 00:06:46,740 Finally. 179 00:06:46,824 --> 00:06:48,784 Look, I'm... 180 00:06:48,867 --> 00:06:51,578 I know I'm... Here. 181 00:06:51,662 --> 00:06:54,081 I'm sorry. What do you think happened last night? 182 00:06:54,164 --> 00:06:57,543 No, it-it's for the taxi, the shoe polishing, the blintz. 183 00:06:57,626 --> 00:06:59,670 Christ. 184 00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:02,005 It was a really terrific carpenter. 185 00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:04,883 - [ice cream truck music playing] - [man] Ice cream! Ice cream! 186 00:07:04,967 --> 00:07:06,969 [kids chattering excitedly] 187 00:07:09,304 --> 00:07:11,223 [taxi driver] Hey. Aren't you Lenny Bruce? 188 00:07:11,306 --> 00:07:12,808 [Lenny] Just drive. 189 00:07:12,891 --> 00:07:14,226 [operator] Operator. What's the number, please? 190 00:07:14,309 --> 00:07:16,979 Yeah, hi. I'm looking for the number of a nightclub. 191 00:07:17,062 --> 00:07:18,856 What's the name of the nightclub? 192 00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:21,400 I don't know the name, but I do know it's in Chinatown. 193 00:07:21,483 --> 00:07:23,485 - Does that help? - No. 194 00:07:23,569 --> 00:07:25,904 Okay, well, could you look up clubs in Chinatown? 195 00:07:25,988 --> 00:07:27,114 [chuckling] No. 196 00:07:27,197 --> 00:07:28,740 Well, could you list off anything 197 00:07:28,824 --> 00:07:30,659 that sounds like a club in Chinatown? 198 00:07:30,742 --> 00:07:32,578 I could. Could you answer 199 00:07:32,661 --> 00:07:34,621 all my other calls for the next six hours? 200 00:07:34,705 --> 00:07:37,332 You know, I'm a talent manager. Ever thought of going onstage? 201 00:07:37,416 --> 00:07:39,209 Oh, wait. Joel Maisel. 202 00:07:39,293 --> 00:07:41,795 - Try Joel Maisel's club in Chinatow... - [click, dial tone] 203 00:07:41,879 --> 00:07:43,380 Hello? 204 00:07:44,423 --> 00:07:46,258 You were supposed to share. 205 00:07:49,511 --> 00:07:51,471 - Dinah. - [Dinah] Yes? 206 00:07:51,555 --> 00:07:53,223 I need to get Mike Carr. 207 00:07:53,307 --> 00:07:54,850 I left word earlier twice. 208 00:07:54,933 --> 00:07:56,643 - Did you use my name? - God, no. 209 00:07:56,727 --> 00:07:58,353 Good. 210 00:07:58,437 --> 00:08:01,315 Appreciate you eating all this on my bed, by the way. 211 00:08:01,398 --> 00:08:03,066 You should have the lady find the club. 212 00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:06,111 - What lady? - The lady who sits out there. 213 00:08:06,195 --> 00:08:07,696 Have her find the club. 214 00:08:07,779 --> 00:08:09,406 That's why she's there, right? 215 00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:13,535 Sitting there every day, just listening? 216 00:08:13,619 --> 00:08:16,205 Do not eat on my bed, and mind your own business. 217 00:08:16,288 --> 00:08:17,915 No. That's too much direction at one time. 218 00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:19,458 - [Dinah] Thank you. - [man] Have a good day. 219 00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:20,626 [Dinah] You just got another one. 220 00:08:20,709 --> 00:08:22,336 Wines of the world. 221 00:08:22,419 --> 00:08:24,922 The "O" in "world" is a little globe. Cute. 222 00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:27,466 You better hide it before Alfie gets his passport out. 223 00:08:27,549 --> 00:08:29,468 Miss Lennon sure is grateful to you for something. 224 00:08:29,551 --> 00:08:32,054 Well, she's grateful the voices in her head haven't unionized. 225 00:08:32,137 --> 00:08:34,348 Listen, Midge's ex has a club in Chinatown, 226 00:08:34,431 --> 00:08:35,933 and I'm trying to get the number. 227 00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:37,684 - I'm on it. - I don't remember the name. 228 00:08:37,768 --> 00:08:39,353 - Yep. I'm on it. - [girl shouts, laughs] 229 00:08:39,436 --> 00:08:41,104 - Who is this again? - That's my niece. 230 00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:42,940 - My sister had to work today. - Uh-huh. 231 00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:44,775 I'm not sure if that's the most professional thing to do. 232 00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:46,318 - [girl] Hello, sir! - Oh, it is. 233 00:08:46,401 --> 00:08:48,195 Every office I've worked in, all the secretaries did this. 234 00:08:48,278 --> 00:08:50,739 It's not lost on me you don't work at those offices anymore. 235 00:08:50,822 --> 00:08:52,658 Shh. I'm on the phone. 236 00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:56,912 It said there were cookies in here. 237 00:08:56,995 --> 00:08:58,497 I hate being lied to. 238 00:08:58,580 --> 00:09:00,290 Hey, how about you go find a cute blonde 239 00:09:00,374 --> 00:09:02,251 so you can saw her in half or something? 240 00:09:02,334 --> 00:09:03,543 I have Joel Maisel on the line. 241 00:09:03,627 --> 00:09:04,836 You did not find him that fast. 242 00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:06,171 - Yes, I did. - Joel Maisel? 243 00:09:06,255 --> 00:09:07,547 - Yes. - You found Joel Maisel? 244 00:09:07,631 --> 00:09:09,174 - Yes. - I didn't tell you his name. 245 00:09:09,258 --> 00:09:11,468 - You gonna pick up the phone? - I am gonna pick up the phone. 246 00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,303 Now, that's a fucking magician. 247 00:09:13,387 --> 00:09:15,055 [clears throat] 248 00:09:15,138 --> 00:09:16,556 Joel? Hello. 249 00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:19,476 Susie Myerson at Susie Myerson and Associates. 250 00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:22,187 - How are you today, buddy? - [Joel] Who is this? 251 00:09:22,271 --> 00:09:25,148 It's Susie Myerson of Susie Myerson and Associates. 252 00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:26,984 I hope I am not interrupting anything. 253 00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:28,068 Who is this? 254 00:09:28,151 --> 00:09:29,861 You are a very funny guy. 255 00:09:29,945 --> 00:09:32,364 Anyhow, Joel, I'm calling today to talk to you about... 256 00:09:32,447 --> 00:09:33,991 Wait, you do know who this is, right? 257 00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:36,368 I've narrowed it down to either Bette Davis or Rock Hudson. 258 00:09:36,410 --> 00:09:39,121 I am just trying to reset our relationship. 259 00:09:39,204 --> 00:09:40,497 We don't have a relationship to reset. 260 00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:41,873 Let's set one. 261 00:09:41,957 --> 00:09:44,584 I am a talent manager. You own a nightclub. 262 00:09:44,668 --> 00:09:47,045 We may wind up doing business together down the road. 263 00:09:47,129 --> 00:09:49,506 So just shut your goddamn trap and act professional. 264 00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:51,425 "Manager." Come on. You have one client, 265 00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:53,468 and she can come down here anytime. She knows that. 266 00:09:53,552 --> 00:09:56,305 Actually, I have an exciting new client now. 267 00:09:56,388 --> 00:09:57,973 One that you haven't fucked. 268 00:09:58,056 --> 00:09:59,808 - Comic? - Magician. 269 00:09:59,891 --> 00:10:01,310 Like card tricks and shit? 270 00:10:01,393 --> 00:10:03,562 No. Much more than card tricks. 271 00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:07,858 He is a master of sleight of hand. 272 00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:09,609 An illusionist. A hypnotist. 273 00:10:09,693 --> 00:10:11,320 Hell, he may actually be magic. 274 00:10:11,403 --> 00:10:13,238 And there's no one like him anywhere. 275 00:10:13,322 --> 00:10:15,615 I would love for you to book him in your new club, 276 00:10:15,699 --> 00:10:18,577 which I have heard wonderful things about, by the way. 277 00:10:18,660 --> 00:10:20,537 Stop that. It's unnerving. 278 00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,456 I will take any slot that you give him. 279 00:10:22,539 --> 00:10:24,708 He's very cool, super hip. The kids are gonna love him. 280 00:10:24,791 --> 00:10:26,168 Well, I got to see what he does. 281 00:10:26,251 --> 00:10:27,502 Absolutely. 282 00:10:27,586 --> 00:10:29,588 First show's free. If he knocks you on your ass, 283 00:10:29,671 --> 00:10:31,340 you book him for a month. Deal? 284 00:10:31,423 --> 00:10:32,591 We'll see. 285 00:10:32,674 --> 00:10:34,301 Mm, savvy businessman. 286 00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:36,261 We are gonna make beautiful music together. 287 00:10:36,345 --> 00:10:37,971 All right, bye. 288 00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:41,641 I was sitting on the cookies. 289 00:10:43,352 --> 00:10:44,853 [Sophie] Oscar Levant, 290 00:10:44,936 --> 00:10:46,897 how many seconds do you want to use 291 00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:48,440 - for your next question? - Um, uh... 292 00:10:48,523 --> 00:10:51,151 You have 37 in the bank. 293 00:10:51,234 --> 00:10:53,028 I'll use, uh, 18. 294 00:10:53,111 --> 00:10:56,031 All right, in 18 seconds, 295 00:10:56,114 --> 00:10:59,576 name every state that begins with an "M" or a "C." 296 00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:01,161 Start the clock. 297 00:11:01,244 --> 00:11:04,373 Uh, "M," uh, Mississippi, Missouri, Maine, Melinda. 298 00:11:04,456 --> 00:11:06,792 - No, that's not a state. That's an ex-wife. - [audience laughing] 299 00:11:06,875 --> 00:11:08,377 You secede from the union? 300 00:11:08,460 --> 00:11:09,920 After she fired on my Fort Sumter. 301 00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:11,713 [laughing] 302 00:11:11,797 --> 00:11:15,425 Mama, Papa, the kids are asleep, and I'm heading out. 303 00:11:15,509 --> 00:11:17,094 [Sophie] ...but Sandy over here 304 00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:18,762 just got attacked by a microphone. 305 00:11:18,845 --> 00:11:21,014 Sandy, what the heck just happened? 306 00:11:21,098 --> 00:11:23,100 [Sandy] I got hit in the head with the boom. 307 00:11:23,183 --> 00:11:25,560 [Sophie] I know. I heard the boom. 308 00:11:25,644 --> 00:11:27,479 [Sandy] I'm sorry. Who's talking? 309 00:11:27,562 --> 00:11:29,564 [broadcast continues indistinctly] 310 00:11:31,608 --> 00:11:33,902 [Sandy] Luckily, I'm wearing two kinds of hairspray. 311 00:11:33,985 --> 00:11:36,738 [broadcast continues indistinctly] 312 00:11:36,822 --> 00:11:38,740 [Sophie] Pete's the culprit. 313 00:11:38,824 --> 00:11:40,617 All right, Oscar, I didn't forget you. 314 00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:41,952 Start the clock. 315 00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,079 [Oscar] Montana, uh, California, 316 00:11:44,162 --> 00:11:46,665 Connecticut, Cucamonga. Is that a state? 317 00:11:46,748 --> 00:11:48,542 A state of confusion is more like it. 318 00:11:48,625 --> 00:11:50,168 - [Oscar] What else is new? - [bell rings] 319 00:11:50,252 --> 00:11:51,336 [Sophie] Time's up. 320 00:11:51,420 --> 00:11:53,171 - Ooh. What did he miss? - He missed Michigan. 321 00:11:53,255 --> 00:11:54,798 - He missed Colorado. - That's right. 322 00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:56,425 - What's going on here? - It's Seconds Count! 323 00:11:56,508 --> 00:11:58,718 - It's so fun. - And Sophie is hysterical. 324 00:11:58,802 --> 00:12:00,595 She's at her absolute best. 325 00:12:00,679 --> 00:12:02,222 I was talking about the TV trays. 326 00:12:02,305 --> 00:12:04,599 - They're for Sophie's show. - If you miss an episode, 327 00:12:04,683 --> 00:12:06,560 you can't converse with anyone the next day, 328 00:12:06,643 --> 00:12:08,478 because it's all people want to talk about. 329 00:12:08,562 --> 00:12:10,105 So on Thursday nights, we eat here. 330 00:12:10,188 --> 00:12:11,606 Different. Okay. 331 00:12:11,690 --> 00:12:12,941 Well, the kids are asleep, 332 00:12:13,024 --> 00:12:14,401 the fridge light's out, and I'm taking off. 333 00:12:14,484 --> 00:12:15,819 So long. 334 00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:18,321 [Sophie] Okay, in your remaining time, name... 335 00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:21,324 You do know she tried to destroy your daughter's career, right? 336 00:12:21,408 --> 00:12:23,660 - Who? Sophie? - Yes, Sophie. 337 00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:25,787 - Water under the bridge. - Whatever you say. 338 00:12:25,871 --> 00:12:28,081 - Carry on. - [Sophie] Sandy, it's not the Big D. 339 00:12:28,165 --> 00:12:29,541 - It's Austin. - [Sandy] Austin! 340 00:12:29,624 --> 00:12:30,792 It's not water under the bridge. 341 00:12:30,876 --> 00:12:32,377 We're missing the program. 342 00:12:32,461 --> 00:12:34,588 It's nostalgia, right? You remember her from radio 343 00:12:34,671 --> 00:12:37,340 and a time when it was fun to play with a hoop and a stick? 344 00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:39,176 No, it's because we think she's hilarious. 345 00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:40,677 She's our new Chaplin. 346 00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:43,597 No comment. Adieu. 347 00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:45,390 Okay, if you meant Buddy Chaplin, 348 00:12:45,474 --> 00:12:47,350 the guy who measures feet at the kids' shoe store 349 00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:49,478 and is rumored to have a dead piece of a Siamese twin 350 00:12:49,561 --> 00:12:51,354 sticking out of his stomach, then yes, maybe. 351 00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:53,106 But Charlie Chaplin? 352 00:12:53,190 --> 00:12:55,734 Modern Times? The Gold Rush? I think not. 353 00:12:55,817 --> 00:12:57,611 - I thought you didn't have any comment. - [audience laughing] 354 00:12:57,694 --> 00:13:00,780 Damn! Missed it. She just said something funny. 355 00:13:00,864 --> 00:13:02,365 She never says something funny. 356 00:13:02,449 --> 00:13:04,951 It's all ridiculously contrived "bon motts." 357 00:13:05,035 --> 00:13:06,953 - That's all it is. - They're not contrived. 358 00:13:07,037 --> 00:13:08,663 And if you had studied French instead of Russian, 359 00:13:08,747 --> 00:13:10,040 you'd know it was... [French pronunciation] bon mots. 360 00:13:10,123 --> 00:13:12,000 Well, that's mo' than I needed to know. 361 00:13:12,083 --> 00:13:13,251 Thank you. 362 00:13:13,335 --> 00:13:14,544 Sophie's contrived, but that's funny? 363 00:13:14,628 --> 00:13:15,962 Okay, I heard that. 364 00:13:16,046 --> 00:13:17,797 Oh, we're missing the commercial. 365 00:13:17,881 --> 00:13:19,257 It's a laxative commercial. 366 00:13:19,341 --> 00:13:21,301 Yeah, but she does them, and she does them funny. 367 00:13:21,384 --> 00:13:23,637 She's so irreverent. And she's lost so much weight. 368 00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,847 I think I've said my piece. 369 00:13:25,931 --> 00:13:28,141 - Peace would be nice. - Amen. 370 00:13:28,225 --> 00:13:30,227 [broadcast continues indistinctly] 371 00:13:34,147 --> 00:13:37,150 - [applause, cheering] - [lively jazz music plays] 372 00:13:39,736 --> 00:13:41,571 - Here you go. - Thank you. 373 00:13:41,655 --> 00:13:43,740 [glass squeaking] 374 00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:46,451 [man] Hey! What's going on up there? 375 00:13:46,535 --> 00:13:48,537 [horn honking] 376 00:13:52,874 --> 00:13:54,417 [man] Come on! 377 00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:56,336 [audience cheering, whistling] 378 00:13:56,419 --> 00:13:58,672 - [horn honking] - [man] Whoa! 379 00:13:58,755 --> 00:14:00,590 [glass squeaking] 380 00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:02,592 The hot water in the shower is back on. 381 00:14:02,676 --> 00:14:05,011 The coffee area was cleaned, and we got a new coffee maker. 382 00:14:05,095 --> 00:14:07,472 We got cream and sugar even though sugar means bugs. 383 00:14:07,556 --> 00:14:08,974 That's what sugar bowls are for. 384 00:14:09,057 --> 00:14:10,600 We will get a sugar bowl. 385 00:14:10,684 --> 00:14:12,978 We moved the paint cans and tarps from the storage room. 386 00:14:13,061 --> 00:14:14,563 The floor-to-ceiling mirror's been hung. 387 00:14:14,646 --> 00:14:16,481 The new seamstress is here. She did not come with 388 00:14:16,565 --> 00:14:18,108 her own sewing machine, as you had promised, 389 00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:19,776 but when we moved the paint cans and tarps, 390 00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:22,571 we found out we actually had a sewing machine, 391 00:14:22,654 --> 00:14:24,531 so there you go. 392 00:14:24,614 --> 00:14:26,199 The roof will be fixed next week. 393 00:14:26,283 --> 00:14:27,909 We found Duke's trumpet. 394 00:14:27,993 --> 00:14:29,953 We cannot find Duke. 395 00:14:30,036 --> 00:14:32,414 The dr... The dressing room speaker works now, 396 00:14:32,497 --> 00:14:34,416 and we were unable to remove the urinal 397 00:14:34,499 --> 00:14:36,668 from the ladies' room, so we turned it into a planter. 398 00:14:36,751 --> 00:14:38,169 Boise, this is good progress. 399 00:14:38,253 --> 00:14:40,213 I just might make a stage manager out of you yet. 400 00:14:40,297 --> 00:14:42,966 Hey, I'm not a stage manager. I am a manager manager. 401 00:14:43,049 --> 00:14:45,969 I manage the stage, yes, but I manage other things. 402 00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:47,637 The front room. I manage that. 403 00:14:47,721 --> 00:14:49,889 The loading dock. I am definitely the manager of... 404 00:14:49,973 --> 00:14:51,516 Well, I share that responsibility with Dave, 405 00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:53,310 -but when deliveries come, I am... - Wrap it up. 406 00:14:53,393 --> 00:14:54,728 - I got to work. - Yep. 407 00:14:54,811 --> 00:14:56,855 [applause] 408 00:14:59,983 --> 00:15:02,235 [whistling sound effect] 409 00:15:02,319 --> 00:15:04,070 [glass breaking sound effect] 410 00:15:04,154 --> 00:15:05,530 - [man] Hey! - [horn honks] 411 00:15:07,699 --> 00:15:09,784 Whoops. 412 00:15:12,037 --> 00:15:14,122 [audience whooping, whistling] 413 00:15:19,210 --> 00:15:21,046 [wolf whistle] 414 00:15:21,129 --> 00:15:22,922 Two gin rickeys, three banana daiquiris, 415 00:15:23,006 --> 00:15:24,716 a Singapore sling and a White Russian. 416 00:15:24,799 --> 00:15:26,259 - Extra Russian. - Gin and sin, rum runner, sidecar, 417 00:15:26,343 --> 00:15:27,469 three grasshoppers, one with whipped cream. 418 00:15:27,552 --> 00:15:28,595 Kenny, where's my sherry flip? 419 00:15:28,678 --> 00:15:29,971 I got three mai tais here, no flip. 420 00:15:30,055 --> 00:15:31,640 Hold your horses. What came after grasshoppers? 421 00:15:31,723 --> 00:15:33,183 - Sherry flip. - Extra cherries. 422 00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:34,934 Sherry flip, sherry flip, sherry flip, sherry... 423 00:15:35,018 --> 00:15:36,770 - Thank you. - How's it going, Kenny? 424 00:15:36,853 --> 00:15:38,521 Out of white wine. 425 00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:41,191 Bartender, six palomas to that table right down there. 426 00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:42,651 And keep 'em coming. 427 00:15:42,734 --> 00:15:45,654 - Paloma, paloma... - Uh, excuse me. 428 00:15:45,737 --> 00:15:47,530 We're gonna need a grapefruit. 429 00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:49,449 - [jackhammering sound effect] - [audience cheering, whooping] 430 00:15:49,532 --> 00:15:51,034 [man] Oh, yeah. 431 00:15:51,117 --> 00:15:53,119 [man 2] Whoa. 432 00:15:53,203 --> 00:15:54,913 [wolf whistle] 433 00:15:54,996 --> 00:15:57,540 [lively jazz music continues] 434 00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:05,256 - [music ends] - [man] Hey! 435 00:16:05,340 --> 00:16:07,342 - [glass breaking sound effect] - [cheering] 436 00:16:08,385 --> 00:16:09,803 [music resumes] 437 00:16:09,886 --> 00:16:12,097 [indistinct chatter] 438 00:16:12,180 --> 00:16:13,723 - Hi. - Hi. 439 00:16:13,807 --> 00:16:15,183 Hi. 440 00:16:17,018 --> 00:16:18,978 - Excuse us. - [cheering] 441 00:16:19,062 --> 00:16:20,980 - Hi. - Look, there she is. 442 00:16:23,441 --> 00:16:25,610 - Well... - [glass breaking sound effect] 443 00:16:25,694 --> 00:16:28,571 Hello, hello, hello. Wow. 444 00:16:28,655 --> 00:16:31,282 - Look at all the ladies in the audience tonight. - [women cheering] 445 00:16:31,366 --> 00:16:34,953 You do realize the Bergdorf sale is about 15 blocks north, right? 446 00:16:35,036 --> 00:16:37,080 - [laughter] - Dresses here are also half off 447 00:16:37,163 --> 00:16:39,499 but probably not in the way you're thinking. 448 00:16:39,582 --> 00:16:41,501 Hello, ladies. You lost? 449 00:16:41,584 --> 00:16:42,669 She's getting married this weekend, 450 00:16:42,752 --> 00:16:43,795 and we brought her here. 451 00:16:43,878 --> 00:16:45,296 So I could talk her out of it? 452 00:16:45,380 --> 00:16:46,381 [laughter] 453 00:16:46,464 --> 00:16:47,799 - What's your name? - Nora. 454 00:16:47,882 --> 00:16:49,092 Congratulations, Nora. 455 00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:50,301 What's your fiancé's name? 456 00:16:50,385 --> 00:16:51,302 Montgomery. 457 00:16:51,386 --> 00:16:52,595 Got a picture? 458 00:16:54,973 --> 00:16:57,726 Not bad. Huh? 459 00:16:57,809 --> 00:17:00,311 But remember, one day, you go to bed with this, 460 00:17:00,395 --> 00:17:02,522 the next day, you wake up with that. 461 00:17:02,605 --> 00:17:03,732 [laughter] 462 00:17:03,815 --> 00:17:06,234 I'm just kidding, sir. 463 00:17:06,317 --> 00:17:07,527 [mouthing] 464 00:17:07,610 --> 00:17:10,196 [applause] 465 00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:11,740 [typewriter keys clacking] 466 00:17:11,823 --> 00:17:13,366 [typewriter bell dings] 467 00:17:17,287 --> 00:17:19,789 And... stop. 468 00:17:19,873 --> 00:17:21,040 [bell dings] 469 00:17:21,124 --> 00:17:22,417 How's it going in here? 470 00:17:22,500 --> 00:17:24,169 - [whispers] I like the look. - [whispers] I know. 471 00:17:24,252 --> 00:17:25,920 They're my smart-girl glasses. Totally fake. 472 00:17:26,004 --> 00:17:27,922 - They look so real. - [squeals] 473 00:17:28,006 --> 00:17:31,760 Ladies, I can hear every word you are pretending not to say. 474 00:17:31,843 --> 00:17:34,262 [chuckles] Well, I am impressed. 475 00:17:34,345 --> 00:17:35,555 - Dody... - Imogene. 476 00:17:35,638 --> 00:17:37,223 ...has just broken her previous record, 477 00:17:37,307 --> 00:17:39,267 which she set exactly ten minutes ago. 478 00:17:39,350 --> 00:17:41,060 80 words a minute. 479 00:17:41,144 --> 00:17:42,937 Not my personal best, but it was James Joyce, 480 00:17:43,021 --> 00:17:44,939 - so I was very nervous. - I'm sorry, what? 481 00:17:45,023 --> 00:17:46,191 I was transcribing Finnegans Wake. 482 00:17:46,274 --> 00:17:47,400 It feels like you're writing gibberish, 483 00:17:47,484 --> 00:17:48,693 but apparently, he's a genius. 484 00:17:48,777 --> 00:17:50,361 I had a feeling you two would hit it off. 485 00:17:50,445 --> 00:17:52,071 Hit it off? That's putting it mildly. 486 00:17:52,155 --> 00:17:53,740 - Dody... - Imogene. 487 00:17:53,823 --> 00:17:55,658 ...is a diamond in the coal mine. 488 00:17:55,742 --> 00:17:57,494 I don't think that's the saying, but I don't care. 489 00:17:57,577 --> 00:18:00,872 My God, to have the freedom to write but not have to type? 490 00:18:00,955 --> 00:18:02,791 My whole life will be different. 491 00:18:02,874 --> 00:18:04,959 - So I'm hired? - I will never let you leave. 492 00:18:05,043 --> 00:18:06,795 - I'm a hostage! Yay! - [Zelda] Miss Miriam! 493 00:18:06,878 --> 00:18:08,171 Coming, Zelda! 494 00:18:08,254 --> 00:18:09,631 - So, Dody... - [Midge] Imogene. 495 00:18:09,714 --> 00:18:11,299 Ready for some Proust? 496 00:18:11,382 --> 00:18:13,468 The real question is: Is Mr. Proust ready for me? 497 00:18:13,551 --> 00:18:14,803 [chuckles] Oh. 498 00:18:14,886 --> 00:18:16,513 The fridge is dead. 499 00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:18,848 I come in, I open, no light. Things are warm. 500 00:18:18,932 --> 00:18:20,642 I try to see if it's plug. 501 00:18:20,725 --> 00:18:22,519 I plug there, I plug there. It's not plug. 502 00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:24,938 Yeah, the light was out last night. 503 00:18:25,021 --> 00:18:27,232 What do you mean, "the light was out last night"? 504 00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:29,067 I opened the fridge last night, and there was no light. 505 00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:31,361 So it died last night and you just left it there to stink? 506 00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:33,613 - I didn't know what it meant. - You didn't know what it... 507 00:18:33,696 --> 00:18:35,281 What kind of woman are you? You were married. 508 00:18:35,365 --> 00:18:36,950 You had children. How did that happen? 509 00:18:37,033 --> 00:18:39,327 Well, it had nothing to do with the fridge, I can assure you. 510 00:18:39,410 --> 00:18:41,955 [speaking Polish] 511 00:18:42,038 --> 00:18:43,748 Zelda, I will fix it. 512 00:18:43,832 --> 00:18:45,875 In the meantime, let's ask some of the neighbors 513 00:18:45,959 --> 00:18:48,795 if they can store some things for us, huh? 514 00:18:48,878 --> 00:18:50,964 [sighs] 515 00:18:52,340 --> 00:18:54,592 [Rose] Come on in, Norma and Lorraine. 516 00:18:54,676 --> 00:18:56,803 We'll sit down, have some iced tea, 517 00:18:56,886 --> 00:18:58,847 and you can tell me everything about yourselves 518 00:18:58,930 --> 00:19:01,140 - that might be of interest... - [typewriter keys clacking loudly] 519 00:19:02,392 --> 00:19:03,726 - Abe. - Rose. 520 00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:05,395 This girl is a prodigy. 521 00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:06,813 If the government knew about her, 522 00:19:06,896 --> 00:19:08,439 she'd be locked in a lab getting probed. 523 00:19:08,523 --> 00:19:10,024 - Time. - Ha! 524 00:19:10,108 --> 00:19:11,609 Excuse me, ladies. 525 00:19:11,693 --> 00:19:13,570 Abe, I reserved the living room yesterday. 526 00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:15,905 - Didn't you consult the chart? - I did not consult the chart. 527 00:19:15,989 --> 00:19:17,407 Well, it was your idea to make the chart, 528 00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:18,950 so I assumed you would consult the chart. 529 00:19:19,033 --> 00:19:21,035 - We're almost done. - After all, you made the chart. 530 00:19:21,119 --> 00:19:22,579 - I'm leaving. Dody... - [Midge] Imogene! 531 00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:24,122 Gather your things and follow me. 532 00:19:24,205 --> 00:19:25,790 We can go to the bathroom. 533 00:19:25,874 --> 00:19:27,584 That's where I usually work anyway. 534 00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:30,128 - [phone ringing] - I'm going to get that tea. 535 00:19:31,921 --> 00:19:33,381 [phone continues ringing] 536 00:19:33,464 --> 00:19:35,383 Goodness, what is happening here? 537 00:19:35,466 --> 00:19:37,969 The fridge died, and Zelda forgot she taught me Polish. 538 00:19:38,052 --> 00:19:39,512 Hello? 539 00:19:39,596 --> 00:19:41,222 - [typewriter keys clacking] - [Rose speaking indistinctly] 540 00:19:41,306 --> 00:19:43,308 [sighs] 541 00:19:44,601 --> 00:19:46,394 Oh. Hi. 542 00:19:46,477 --> 00:19:48,730 I'm Miriam Maisel. 543 00:19:48,813 --> 00:19:51,274 You two look like you have a refrigerator at home. 544 00:19:51,357 --> 00:19:53,192 Well, yes, that sounds wonderful. 545 00:19:53,276 --> 00:19:55,278 I would be honored to attend. 546 00:19:55,361 --> 00:19:56,779 Mm-hmm. 547 00:19:56,863 --> 00:19:58,323 All right. 548 00:19:58,406 --> 00:19:59,657 Thank you. 549 00:19:59,741 --> 00:20:01,200 How could you not teach your daughter 550 00:20:01,284 --> 00:20:02,577 about the light in the fridge? 551 00:20:02,660 --> 00:20:04,245 There's a light in the fridge? 552 00:20:05,288 --> 00:20:07,248 Miriam, guess what. 553 00:20:07,332 --> 00:20:09,417 I have been invited to the Small Business Women's Council 554 00:20:09,500 --> 00:20:11,002 annual luncheon in Brighton Beach. 555 00:20:11,085 --> 00:20:12,587 - Really? - That's right. 556 00:20:12,670 --> 00:20:15,089 Your mother's now officially known as a small businesswoman. 557 00:20:15,173 --> 00:20:17,175 No, wait. A small women's business. 558 00:20:17,258 --> 00:20:18,801 No, I'm the owner of a business, 559 00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:20,345 and it's small, and I'm a woman, so... 560 00:20:20,428 --> 00:20:21,679 Well, I'm getting a free lunch. 561 00:20:21,763 --> 00:20:23,348 Congratulations, Mama. Really. 562 00:20:23,431 --> 00:20:25,016 Thank you. 563 00:20:26,809 --> 00:20:28,186 Miriam. 564 00:20:28,269 --> 00:20:29,562 What? 565 00:20:29,646 --> 00:20:31,147 I offered. They took. 566 00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:33,566 [Rose] You didn't even ask them to sit down first? 567 00:20:33,650 --> 00:20:35,652 Oh. Yeah. Would you like to have a seat? 568 00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:37,820 Goodbye, Miriam. 569 00:20:37,904 --> 00:20:40,114 I am so sorry. That was my daughter. 570 00:20:40,198 --> 00:20:42,158 She's... hilarious. She was kicked in the head 571 00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:44,160 by a horse when she was a child, also, so... 572 00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:45,745 [♪ Patience and Prudence: "The Money Tree"] 573 00:20:45,828 --> 00:20:48,039 ♪ Pull up an easy chair and sit yourself down ♪ 574 00:20:48,122 --> 00:20:50,083 ♪ And lean back ♪ 575 00:20:50,166 --> 00:20:52,085 ♪ While we tell you about the folks ♪ 576 00:20:52,168 --> 00:20:54,337 - ♪ Who live in the town of Greenback ♪ - [man] Wow. Gorgeous. 577 00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:56,130 [man whoops] 578 00:20:56,214 --> 00:20:59,801 ♪ They never have to work on their hands and knees ♪ 579 00:20:59,884 --> 00:21:02,220 [man] Ooh-wee, she is a beaut. Ain't she a beaut? 580 00:21:02,303 --> 00:21:04,514 ♪ 'Cause they live in a place where money grows on trees ♪ 581 00:21:04,597 --> 00:21:06,099 [groans] 582 00:21:06,182 --> 00:21:09,185 ♪ Oh, the money tree, the money tree ♪ 583 00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:11,229 ♪ It's a beautiful sight to see... 584 00:21:11,312 --> 00:21:14,315 Dinah? Dinah! 585 00:21:14,399 --> 00:21:15,942 [grumbles] 586 00:21:16,025 --> 00:21:17,777 Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! 587 00:21:17,860 --> 00:21:20,071 - Somebody loves you. - This is not love. 588 00:21:20,154 --> 00:21:22,073 They came with a golf pro, but he had to leave. 589 00:21:22,156 --> 00:21:23,825 - I have his card. - Get me Sophie Lennon. 590 00:21:23,908 --> 00:21:26,244 - On it. - [kids shouting, laughing] 591 00:21:26,327 --> 00:21:27,954 They're fucking multiplying. 592 00:21:28,037 --> 00:21:29,747 [Dinah] Thomas, when you catch her, wash her. 593 00:21:29,831 --> 00:21:31,958 Fuck! Fuck. 594 00:21:32,041 --> 00:21:33,376 [kids laughing] 595 00:21:33,459 --> 00:21:36,129 [Dinah] Sorry. I know. I was gonna move those. 596 00:21:36,212 --> 00:21:38,548 I've got Sophie Lennon on line one. 597 00:21:38,631 --> 00:21:41,384 Dinah, there's only one line. Stop saying "line one." 598 00:21:41,467 --> 00:21:44,095 But when people hear "line one," they think there's a line two. 599 00:21:44,178 --> 00:21:46,514 - It makes you sound important. - I am important, Dinah. 600 00:21:46,597 --> 00:21:48,808 - I'm important. - I want people to know that. 601 00:21:48,891 --> 00:21:51,060 - Close the door. - [door closes] 602 00:21:51,144 --> 00:21:53,062 Sophie, it's got to stop now. 603 00:21:53,146 --> 00:21:54,313 It's not Miss Lennon. 604 00:21:54,397 --> 00:21:55,440 Oh, goody. Humbert Humbert. 605 00:21:55,523 --> 00:21:56,566 Put your boss on. 606 00:21:56,649 --> 00:21:57,984 I'm afraid I can't. 607 00:21:58,067 --> 00:21:59,569 She's having her Roman wax. 608 00:21:59,652 --> 00:22:01,320 - Her what? - [Sophie screaming] 609 00:22:01,404 --> 00:22:02,739 [Dawes] It's the removal of hair 610 00:22:02,822 --> 00:22:04,490 from where it shouldn't be. 611 00:22:04,574 --> 00:22:06,451 - [Sophie] Dawes, ask Susie how she liked the... - [ripping] 612 00:22:06,534 --> 00:22:07,869 [screaming] Cadillac! 613 00:22:07,952 --> 00:22:09,328 Did you like the Cadillac? 614 00:22:09,412 --> 00:22:11,289 Dawes, tell her I hate the Cadillac, 615 00:22:11,372 --> 00:22:13,416 the luggage stinks, and that there's no point 616 00:22:13,499 --> 00:22:15,460 in sending gifts, so just stop. 617 00:22:15,543 --> 00:22:17,295 Miss Lennon wants you to have them. 618 00:22:17,378 --> 00:22:18,755 That's the point of gifts. 619 00:22:18,838 --> 00:22:20,673 [Sophie] Oh, and ask her if she liked the Carava... 620 00:22:20,757 --> 00:22:22,383 [Sophie screaming] 621 00:22:22,467 --> 00:22:23,968 [Dawes] She stopped a couple syllables short, 622 00:22:24,052 --> 00:22:26,679 but I believe she was inquiring about the Caravaggio. 623 00:22:26,763 --> 00:22:29,599 Dawes, I have no idea what the fuck a Caravaggio is, 624 00:22:29,682 --> 00:22:32,018 but you tell that crazy woman we had a deal. 625 00:22:32,101 --> 00:22:34,937 - I help her, and she goes the fuck away. - [knocking on window] 626 00:22:35,021 --> 00:22:36,564 [Dawes] She's objecting to your generosity. 627 00:22:36,647 --> 00:22:37,982 [Sophie] She got me the game show. 628 00:22:38,066 --> 00:22:39,484 Dawes, tell her that. 629 00:22:39,567 --> 00:22:40,818 - She says... - All I did 630 00:22:40,902 --> 00:22:42,153 was get her on Gordon Ford. 631 00:22:42,236 --> 00:22:43,863 She got the game show herself. 632 00:22:43,946 --> 00:22:46,157 So she can take back her gifts and give them all to herself. 633 00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:48,242 - [Sophie] Dawes, tell her I... - [ripping] 634 00:22:48,326 --> 00:22:49,744 [Sophie screaming wildly] 635 00:22:49,827 --> 00:22:51,954 Your guess is as good as mine on that one. 636 00:22:52,038 --> 00:22:54,290 Goodbye. 637 00:22:54,373 --> 00:22:56,793 Dinah, get me a new goddamn orange. 638 00:22:56,876 --> 00:22:59,295 You want me to fall over dead from a heart attack. 639 00:22:59,378 --> 00:23:00,880 Is that what you want, Miriam? 640 00:23:00,963 --> 00:23:02,799 Because you're doing a great job, 641 00:23:02,882 --> 00:23:04,258 if that's what you want. 642 00:23:04,342 --> 00:23:06,594 I don't want you to have a heart attack, Moishe. 643 00:23:06,677 --> 00:23:08,221 You have been so good to me. 644 00:23:08,304 --> 00:23:10,640 I really have, haven't I? I'm a good man. 645 00:23:10,723 --> 00:23:12,100 But I need to be honest here. 646 00:23:12,183 --> 00:23:15,144 I just need a smidgen of a skosh more time for my next payment. 647 00:23:15,228 --> 00:23:16,813 What's that? A smidgen of a skosh? 648 00:23:16,896 --> 00:23:18,106 Is that like a bissel? 649 00:23:18,189 --> 00:23:19,524 Say, a couple weeks? 650 00:23:19,607 --> 00:23:21,067 I just bagged a giant Tupperware order 651 00:23:21,150 --> 00:23:22,610 from our professor neighbor in nine-B. 652 00:23:22,693 --> 00:23:24,737 She brought the whole Barnard geology department in on it. 653 00:23:24,821 --> 00:23:26,781 They're gonna use them to store fossils. 654 00:23:26,864 --> 00:23:29,367 Now, I'm not talking a Brownie Wise level order here. 655 00:23:29,450 --> 00:23:30,827 What's that? A Brownie Wise? 656 00:23:30,910 --> 00:23:32,036 She was the first one to toss 657 00:23:32,120 --> 00:23:33,746 a bowl filled with water to one of the guests 658 00:23:33,830 --> 00:23:34,956 to demonstrate its airtight sealability. 659 00:23:35,039 --> 00:23:36,707 Brownie is a Tupperware legend. 660 00:23:36,791 --> 00:23:38,209 Call an ambulance, Shirl! 661 00:23:38,292 --> 00:23:39,752 But I don't get my cut from the order 662 00:23:39,836 --> 00:23:41,462 until the check clears, and the check was drawn 663 00:23:41,546 --> 00:23:44,048 from a bank in Toronto, so guess she's Canadian. 664 00:23:44,132 --> 00:23:46,509 Now that I think about it, she does say "a-roond" and "a-boot." 665 00:23:46,592 --> 00:23:48,344 "Skosh" and "smidgen" are not words suitable 666 00:23:48,427 --> 00:23:49,971 to a legally binding contract, Miriam. 667 00:23:50,054 --> 00:23:51,556 Are you aware of that? 668 00:23:51,639 --> 00:23:53,432 Moishe, I'll let you go. Thanks for understanding. 669 00:23:53,516 --> 00:23:55,059 Your grandchildren love you. 670 00:23:55,143 --> 00:23:56,686 That's not gonna work this time! 671 00:23:56,769 --> 00:23:58,855 [sighs] I need a drink. 672 00:23:58,938 --> 00:24:00,648 How'd you get jelly on your shirt? 673 00:24:00,731 --> 00:24:03,651 Oh, Dinah had a niece with jelly on it. 674 00:24:06,612 --> 00:24:07,738 [Mario] It's not fitting the business model. 675 00:24:07,822 --> 00:24:09,115 [Boise] We have a business model? 676 00:24:09,198 --> 00:24:11,450 Girls, booze, men paying for it. That's the business model. 677 00:24:11,534 --> 00:24:13,369 But she's funny, right? You said she was funny. 678 00:24:13,452 --> 00:24:15,204 Yes, she's funny, but she's turning the place into... 679 00:24:15,288 --> 00:24:16,497 I don't know what. 680 00:24:16,581 --> 00:24:18,166 - Are you talking about me? - [sighs] 681 00:24:18,249 --> 00:24:20,710 I thought you'd left. And hey, you didn't knock. 682 00:24:20,793 --> 00:24:22,920 - [knocks] - Are you talking about me? 683 00:24:23,004 --> 00:24:25,089 - What is this, Boise? - Terrence, Mrs. Maisel 684 00:24:25,173 --> 00:24:27,341 and her pushy little midgety manager, Susie. 685 00:24:27,425 --> 00:24:28,676 Terrence is our partner. 686 00:24:28,759 --> 00:24:29,969 Very important partner. 687 00:24:30,052 --> 00:24:32,430 And Mario is what he looks like. 688 00:24:32,513 --> 00:24:35,141 Mrs. Maisel, you've scared up quite the ruckus. 689 00:24:35,224 --> 00:24:36,726 How? The house is packed every night. 690 00:24:36,809 --> 00:24:38,060 Yeah, with the wrong kind of people. 691 00:24:38,144 --> 00:24:39,395 What's the wrong kind of people? 692 00:24:39,478 --> 00:24:41,439 The kind that make pork chops for dinner. 693 00:24:41,522 --> 00:24:43,316 - Short-order cooks? - Women. 694 00:24:43,399 --> 00:24:44,817 So what if the audience is women? 695 00:24:44,901 --> 00:24:46,736 So what? This is a jiggle joint. 696 00:24:46,819 --> 00:24:49,197 - Don't say it like that. - This is an entertainment venue 697 00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:51,991 - catering to a select male clientele. - Who like titties. 698 00:24:52,074 --> 00:24:54,076 - So? - [Boise] So, men come here 699 00:24:54,160 --> 00:24:55,453 to get away from women. 700 00:24:55,536 --> 00:24:56,871 Except the women onstage. 701 00:24:56,954 --> 00:24:58,331 The whole place smells different, too. 702 00:24:58,414 --> 00:24:59,707 - What are you smelling? - It's what I'm not smelling. 703 00:24:59,790 --> 00:25:00,875 Beer, piss, ammonia. 704 00:25:00,958 --> 00:25:03,252 I changed the smell? That's a neat trick. 705 00:25:03,336 --> 00:25:05,463 And is that so bad? That the place doesn't smell like piss? 706 00:25:05,546 --> 00:25:07,215 Oh, good. Bunny has something to add. 707 00:25:07,298 --> 00:25:09,342 - I don't like the smell of piss. - Me, neither. 708 00:25:09,425 --> 00:25:11,302 And for me, it depends on the circumstances. 709 00:25:11,385 --> 00:25:13,012 I'm sorry, you guys should be sore. 710 00:25:13,095 --> 00:25:14,847 Maisel's hogging all the spotlight. 711 00:25:14,931 --> 00:25:17,225 All I know is that since she got here, the coffee's much better. 712 00:25:17,308 --> 00:25:18,935 And there's less weird guys hanging around backstage. 713 00:25:19,018 --> 00:25:20,353 She got us a seamstress, too. 714 00:25:20,436 --> 00:25:21,687 Now our clothes don't fall off us. 715 00:25:21,771 --> 00:25:23,314 They're supposed to fall off you. 716 00:25:23,397 --> 00:25:25,566 - Terrence, the business model. - Not that you're asking, 717 00:25:25,650 --> 00:25:27,193 but the women tip better, you know. 718 00:25:27,276 --> 00:25:28,527 I wasn't asking, but thank you. 719 00:25:28,611 --> 00:25:30,029 Women are more generous and giving. 720 00:25:30,112 --> 00:25:31,405 That's a fact of the species. 721 00:25:31,489 --> 00:25:33,115 We give life to fucking babies. 722 00:25:33,199 --> 00:25:34,367 You're off the clock, Bunny. 723 00:25:34,450 --> 00:25:35,826 No, you're off the clock, Boise! 724 00:25:35,910 --> 00:25:37,119 It wasn't an insult, Bunny. 725 00:25:37,203 --> 00:25:39,038 I'm saying you're off the clock. Go home. 726 00:25:39,121 --> 00:25:41,832 They're not discreet, either, and the cops are noticing. 727 00:25:41,916 --> 00:25:43,417 When a show's over, men leave. 728 00:25:43,501 --> 00:25:45,795 These women, they hang around out front laughing, chatting. 729 00:25:45,878 --> 00:25:47,421 So what? Makes the place seem fun. 730 00:25:47,505 --> 00:25:50,341 This business is illegal. Do you not understand that? 731 00:25:50,424 --> 00:25:52,551 Booze sales are up, though. Am I reading this right? 732 00:25:52,635 --> 00:25:54,428 Yeah, Terrence, but it's crazy fruity stuff: 733 00:25:54,512 --> 00:25:56,514 banana daiquiris, mai tais, pink squirrels. 734 00:25:56,597 --> 00:25:57,890 - Those are drinks? - And they all want 735 00:25:57,974 --> 00:25:59,558 those tiny little umbrellas stuck in them. 736 00:25:59,642 --> 00:26:02,561 Over my dead body am I buying tiny little umbrellas 737 00:26:02,645 --> 00:26:04,730 and a feminine product dispenser. 738 00:26:04,814 --> 00:26:06,524 - They got those? - Sure, they do. 739 00:26:06,607 --> 00:26:09,151 Geez, so classy. It'll be like the Frick museum. 740 00:26:09,235 --> 00:26:11,070 Well, receipts are up. 741 00:26:11,153 --> 00:26:13,155 That's what I'm seeing-- across the board. 742 00:26:13,239 --> 00:26:16,367 So I say, if we're raking in simoleons, we stick to the path. 743 00:26:16,450 --> 00:26:18,577 - What path? - Order the tiny umbrellas. 744 00:26:18,661 --> 00:26:20,246 And the feminine dispenser. 745 00:26:20,329 --> 00:26:22,456 I want our customers dispensed while they're here. 746 00:26:22,540 --> 00:26:24,041 And keep doing your act. 747 00:26:24,125 --> 00:26:26,585 Just like you're doing it. 'Cause we'll have both: 748 00:26:26,669 --> 00:26:29,213 gentlemen's entertainment and a funny girl comic. 749 00:26:29,297 --> 00:26:31,090 - Let's call it a night. - [Susie] Hold on a second. 750 00:26:31,173 --> 00:26:33,217 Sounds to me like it's time to give my girl 751 00:26:33,301 --> 00:26:35,386 - a cut of the bar tab. - N-No way. 752 00:26:35,469 --> 00:26:37,346 Then I'll book her somewhere else, take the audience with us. 753 00:26:37,430 --> 00:26:39,223 We have a contract. Remember the contract? 754 00:26:39,307 --> 00:26:41,309 With an unlicensed, illegal strip club. 755 00:26:41,392 --> 00:26:43,894 Whoa, everybody calm down. Jesus. 756 00:26:43,978 --> 00:26:45,896 He's tough. He should work the door. 757 00:26:45,980 --> 00:26:48,232 Uh, we'll discuss a cut of the bar tomorrow. 758 00:26:48,316 --> 00:26:50,234 - Let's do it now. - I'm tired. 759 00:26:50,318 --> 00:26:52,320 I want to go home and watch Gordon Ford. 760 00:26:52,403 --> 00:26:54,030 Eddie Fisher's going to explain himself. 761 00:26:54,113 --> 00:26:55,865 Oh, shit. I want to watch Gordon Ford, too. 762 00:26:55,948 --> 00:26:57,825 So, tomorrow. Good night, all. 763 00:27:00,202 --> 00:27:01,245 Will you go home? 764 00:27:01,329 --> 00:27:04,248 How about a couple of banana daiquiris, Kenny? 765 00:27:05,499 --> 00:27:07,209 Ladies. 766 00:27:08,961 --> 00:27:10,129 Ooh! 767 00:27:10,212 --> 00:27:12,214 [kids laughing] 768 00:27:12,298 --> 00:27:14,425 [phone ringing] 769 00:27:14,508 --> 00:27:16,510 - Got it, Zelda. - [bowl thuds] 770 00:27:17,762 --> 00:27:19,513 I'm sorry about the fridge. 771 00:27:19,597 --> 00:27:21,223 Please don't be mad at me forever. 772 00:27:21,307 --> 00:27:23,309 I'll try. I will try. 773 00:27:24,435 --> 00:27:26,395 - Hello? - [ice clatters] 774 00:27:26,479 --> 00:27:27,980 [Dinah] Hi. Miriam Maisel? 775 00:27:28,064 --> 00:27:29,190 That's me. 776 00:27:29,273 --> 00:27:30,733 [laughs] You sound funny. 777 00:27:30,816 --> 00:27:32,193 - Pardon me? - Oh, I'm sorry. 778 00:27:32,276 --> 00:27:33,736 I'm Dinah, Susie's secretary. 779 00:27:33,819 --> 00:27:35,196 I was just saying that I think you're gonna be 780 00:27:35,279 --> 00:27:36,405 a huge star 'cause you sound funny. 781 00:27:36,489 --> 00:27:38,199 Well, thank you, Dinah. 782 00:27:38,282 --> 00:27:39,784 - Hold for Susie? - You got it. 783 00:27:39,867 --> 00:27:42,370 Susie, Miriam Maisel on line one. 784 00:27:45,498 --> 00:27:46,916 Nothing's flashing. 785 00:27:46,999 --> 00:27:48,918 I think the hold button's broken. 786 00:27:49,001 --> 00:27:50,836 Well, put her through, but call someone 787 00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:52,463 and have 'em fix the hold button. 788 00:27:52,546 --> 00:27:53,672 We've only got one line. 789 00:27:53,756 --> 00:27:55,508 I can't call someone while you're on the line. 790 00:27:55,591 --> 00:27:56,926 [Susie] Just put her through! 791 00:27:57,009 --> 00:27:58,469 - Hello? - Hey. Listen. 792 00:27:58,552 --> 00:27:59,887 I wanted you to hear it from me, 793 00:27:59,970 --> 00:28:01,305 not one of the dopes at the deli. 794 00:28:01,389 --> 00:28:02,848 Hear what? 795 00:28:02,932 --> 00:28:04,683 L. Roy Dunham struck again. 796 00:28:04,767 --> 00:28:07,019 He caught your show at the Wolford Thursday night, 797 00:28:07,103 --> 00:28:08,687 and he wrote about it. 798 00:28:08,771 --> 00:28:10,106 It's pretty brutal. Don't read it. 799 00:28:10,189 --> 00:28:11,774 But that was a great show. 800 00:28:11,857 --> 00:28:13,317 I know. He'll move on. 801 00:28:13,401 --> 00:28:16,487 Something else will send him slithering in another direction. 802 00:28:16,570 --> 00:28:18,739 When? When will he stop? It's been months. 803 00:28:18,823 --> 00:28:20,574 I don't know. Forget him. 804 00:28:20,658 --> 00:28:22,576 The audience loves you. That's all that matters. 805 00:28:22,660 --> 00:28:24,662 Yeah, you're right. 806 00:28:24,745 --> 00:28:27,164 The show was good. The audience was good. 807 00:28:27,248 --> 00:28:29,375 Everything's good. 808 00:28:29,458 --> 00:28:32,461 - [indistinct chatter] - [phones ringing] 809 00:28:40,719 --> 00:28:42,847 Hi. I'm looking for L. Roy Dunham. 810 00:28:42,930 --> 00:28:45,724 - And you are? - Miriam Weissman. 811 00:28:45,808 --> 00:28:47,726 Miriam Weissman. 812 00:28:47,810 --> 00:28:49,645 - So, two S's? - Yes. 813 00:28:49,728 --> 00:28:51,897 - Great. Wait here. - Thank you. 814 00:29:04,118 --> 00:29:05,494 Mrs. Maisel. 815 00:29:06,495 --> 00:29:08,414 L. Roy Dunham. 816 00:29:08,497 --> 00:29:10,082 Nice to finally meet you. 817 00:29:10,166 --> 00:29:12,668 You smell good in person. Is that Arpège? 818 00:29:14,420 --> 00:29:15,963 I don't understand. You're... 819 00:29:16,046 --> 00:29:17,381 - L. Roy Dunham. - You? 820 00:29:17,465 --> 00:29:18,674 - Me. - You're the one 821 00:29:18,757 --> 00:29:20,009 who's been writing all those terrible articles? 822 00:29:20,092 --> 00:29:22,720 Actually, I think they're pretty good, but yes. 823 00:29:22,803 --> 00:29:26,056 - But... you're a woman. - What? 824 00:29:26,140 --> 00:29:28,184 And you've always been a woman. 825 00:29:28,267 --> 00:29:29,768 I have, yes. 826 00:29:29,852 --> 00:29:32,062 Be a better story if I hadn't, though, right? [clicks tongue] 827 00:29:32,146 --> 00:29:34,148 So, Mrs. Maisel, what can I do for you? 828 00:29:34,231 --> 00:29:35,733 You can stop writing about me. 829 00:29:35,816 --> 00:29:37,443 Mm, I don't think so. What else? 830 00:29:37,526 --> 00:29:40,571 Well, you can tell me why you write all that shit about me. 831 00:29:40,654 --> 00:29:43,157 Oh, there's that classy verbiage I love so much. 832 00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:46,368 Oh, so I offend you? Is that it? Don't think I'm ladylike enough? 833 00:29:46,452 --> 00:29:47,745 Would you believe I just don't find you funny? 834 00:29:47,828 --> 00:29:49,497 I would not, 'cause I'm hilarious. 835 00:29:49,580 --> 00:29:51,790 You just make great copy, you know? 836 00:29:51,874 --> 00:29:54,877 Don't see a lot of female comics as it is, but one like you, 837 00:29:54,960 --> 00:29:58,422 looks like you, talks like you, it kind of writes itself. 838 00:29:58,506 --> 00:30:00,216 - These are hit pieces. - No! 839 00:30:00,299 --> 00:30:01,800 You called me a slut. 840 00:30:01,884 --> 00:30:03,928 Just implied. I cleared it with legal. 841 00:30:04,011 --> 00:30:06,931 Wow. You seem really proud of yourself. 842 00:30:07,014 --> 00:30:08,432 Well, you caught me on a good day. 843 00:30:08,516 --> 00:30:09,808 I just got the window desk. 844 00:30:09,892 --> 00:30:11,560 Took it from Eddie over there. 845 00:30:11,644 --> 00:30:12,811 Hey, Eddie! 846 00:30:12,895 --> 00:30:14,104 Oh, he's a little sore. 847 00:30:14,188 --> 00:30:16,440 He had this desk for five years, and he's really good. 848 00:30:16,524 --> 00:30:18,359 You should read his pieces on government waste 849 00:30:18,442 --> 00:30:21,111 and corruption and cronyis... [imitates snoring] 850 00:30:21,195 --> 00:30:23,322 Okay. Time to go. 851 00:30:23,405 --> 00:30:25,032 I'm sorry you're upset, 852 00:30:25,115 --> 00:30:27,284 but look at it this way, I'm keeping your name in the press. 853 00:30:27,368 --> 00:30:30,496 I'm a gin girl, in case you want to send a thank-you gift. 854 00:30:30,579 --> 00:30:32,623 Okay, go ahead. 855 00:30:32,706 --> 00:30:34,208 Take your best shot. 856 00:30:34,291 --> 00:30:35,793 If you think you're gonna destroy me 857 00:30:35,876 --> 00:30:37,211 or run me out of the business... 858 00:30:37,294 --> 00:30:38,796 Oh, God, no. That would be terrible. 859 00:30:38,879 --> 00:30:40,422 I mean, you're a gold mine. 860 00:30:40,506 --> 00:30:41,882 The Sophie Lennon rift was good, 861 00:30:41,966 --> 00:30:44,093 but following it up with the Shy Baldwin fiasco? 862 00:30:44,176 --> 00:30:46,136 Thank you, seriously. 863 00:30:46,220 --> 00:30:49,765 Do you have any idea how hard it is to do what I'm doing? 864 00:30:49,848 --> 00:30:52,726 To-to go into these clubs run by men, dominated by men, 865 00:30:52,810 --> 00:30:55,187 and go up there and try to make men listen to me? 866 00:30:55,271 --> 00:30:57,231 Of course. That's why I write about you. 867 00:30:57,314 --> 00:30:59,984 Because when I hand my editor a piece about you-- 868 00:31:00,067 --> 00:31:02,194 the rougher the better-- I get print. 869 00:31:02,278 --> 00:31:03,779 I get placement. I get this desk. 870 00:31:03,862 --> 00:31:05,573 I'm no longer a skirt. 871 00:31:05,656 --> 00:31:10,286 I mean, hey, it's tough being a woman in journalism. 872 00:31:15,165 --> 00:31:16,959 Keep up the good work. 873 00:31:17,042 --> 00:31:19,003 [elevator bell chimes] 874 00:31:22,590 --> 00:31:25,259 [laughter in distance] 875 00:31:25,342 --> 00:31:27,803 [Sophie] So they banned him from the Paramount lot 876 00:31:27,886 --> 00:31:29,847 - for the rest of the summer. - [laughter] 877 00:31:29,930 --> 00:31:32,057 He came in disguise once, 878 00:31:32,141 --> 00:31:34,893 and they booted him out onto Melrose. 879 00:31:34,977 --> 00:31:36,687 [laughter] 880 00:31:36,770 --> 00:31:39,732 Miss Miriam, your great friend Sophie Lennon's here. 881 00:31:39,815 --> 00:31:41,025 She's not my great friend. 882 00:31:41,108 --> 00:31:42,443 She just told us a disgusting story 883 00:31:42,526 --> 00:31:44,445 about Mickey Rooney and a frozen banana. 884 00:31:44,528 --> 00:31:46,196 Too much funny. 885 00:31:46,280 --> 00:31:47,948 - Isn't that sweet? - It's so amazing 886 00:31:48,032 --> 00:31:50,576 to have a funny person like that here in the house. 887 00:31:50,659 --> 00:31:53,412 Yes. Zelda, why don't you give us the room? 888 00:31:53,495 --> 00:31:55,414 Come on, everybody. 889 00:31:55,497 --> 00:31:56,707 Thank you, Miss Sophie. 890 00:31:56,790 --> 00:31:58,917 No, thank you, Miss Zelda. 891 00:31:59,001 --> 00:32:00,753 - Goodbye, all. - She's so funny. 892 00:32:00,836 --> 00:32:02,671 - Bye-bye. - [laughing] 893 00:32:02,755 --> 00:32:04,256 Oh. 894 00:32:04,340 --> 00:32:07,718 Boy, the rooms you play are getting smaller by the day. 895 00:32:07,801 --> 00:32:09,303 Goodbye. 896 00:32:09,386 --> 00:32:13,182 You're not just a little bit curious why I'm here, hmm? 897 00:32:13,265 --> 00:32:15,476 You look thirsty. Can I get you something? 898 00:32:15,559 --> 00:32:17,978 This is my apartment. And no, I don't want anything. 899 00:32:18,062 --> 00:32:19,647 Then you can wait outside, Dawes. 900 00:32:19,730 --> 00:32:20,898 - Gladly, ma'am. - [gasps] 901 00:32:20,981 --> 00:32:22,650 - I hate that. - [Sophie] Let's see. 902 00:32:22,733 --> 00:32:26,820 The last time I saw you, you were resplendent in red. 903 00:32:26,904 --> 00:32:30,032 And you were gagging from your epic Broadway choke-fest. 904 00:32:30,115 --> 00:32:31,950 Fine, let's get down to it. 905 00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:34,828 I need your help. 906 00:32:34,912 --> 00:32:36,914 - For what? - You know what. 907 00:32:36,997 --> 00:32:39,041 I want Susie back as my manager. 908 00:32:39,124 --> 00:32:41,293 - Sophie... - That woman is the future, 909 00:32:41,377 --> 00:32:44,254 and she makes me feel confident, and I need her in my corner. 910 00:32:44,338 --> 00:32:47,257 Sophie, I couldn't get Susie to do that if I tried. 911 00:32:47,341 --> 00:32:49,051 And I am not going to try. 912 00:32:49,134 --> 00:32:50,260 Why? 913 00:32:51,303 --> 00:32:52,721 Why? 914 00:32:52,805 --> 00:32:55,516 Because I hate you. Hate! 915 00:32:55,599 --> 00:32:58,268 With the burning hate of a thousand suns. 916 00:32:58,352 --> 00:32:59,853 It's a lot of hate, Sophie. 917 00:32:59,937 --> 00:33:03,190 It starts here, boils here, brews here. 918 00:33:03,273 --> 00:33:05,818 It is a seething, writhing, 919 00:33:05,901 --> 00:33:08,946 lava-spewing volcano of hate. 920 00:33:09,029 --> 00:33:13,242 I really hate you. 921 00:33:13,325 --> 00:33:15,327 You're in financial straits. 922 00:33:15,411 --> 00:33:17,454 - No, I'm not. - Yes, you are. 923 00:33:17,538 --> 00:33:20,791 This... is a charade, hmm? 924 00:33:20,874 --> 00:33:24,962 You are in debt up to your alabaster tits. 925 00:33:25,045 --> 00:33:26,463 - Missed your calling as a poet. - Hmm. 926 00:33:26,547 --> 00:33:28,507 - You want me to list off your creditors? - Sophie... 927 00:33:28,590 --> 00:33:30,634 Your grocer. Your baker. 928 00:33:30,718 --> 00:33:32,469 Your dry cleaner, he's cut you off 929 00:33:32,553 --> 00:33:35,764 and won't even return your last batch of clothes. 930 00:33:35,848 --> 00:33:38,100 You owe $30 to the electric company, 931 00:33:38,183 --> 00:33:40,227 20 to gas and water, 932 00:33:40,310 --> 00:33:43,439 200 on your Bloomingdale's charge. 933 00:33:43,522 --> 00:33:46,316 Your fridge is out, and boy, is Zelda pissed about that. 934 00:33:46,400 --> 00:33:51,155 But your biggest debt is to one Moishe Maisel. 935 00:33:51,238 --> 00:33:53,031 That's your father-in-law, isn't it? 936 00:33:53,115 --> 00:33:55,409 Who told you this? Susie? 937 00:33:55,492 --> 00:33:56,994 Oh, God, no. 938 00:33:57,077 --> 00:33:59,163 My private investigator. 939 00:33:59,246 --> 00:34:01,707 He can find anything on anyone. 940 00:34:01,790 --> 00:34:05,335 And failing that, he can plant anything on anyone. 941 00:34:05,419 --> 00:34:08,964 But in your case, there's no planting necessary. 942 00:34:09,047 --> 00:34:11,508 You are a full-blown garden. 943 00:34:11,592 --> 00:34:13,010 Why are you doing this? 944 00:34:13,093 --> 00:34:15,679 Because I have an offer. Come work on my show. 945 00:34:15,763 --> 00:34:17,181 I'm sorry? 946 00:34:17,264 --> 00:34:19,183 Do the warm-up. You know what that is, right? 947 00:34:19,266 --> 00:34:20,809 You are deranged. 948 00:34:20,893 --> 00:34:22,311 You come out before the broadcast, 949 00:34:22,394 --> 00:34:24,605 you greet the audience, you give them the rules, 950 00:34:24,688 --> 00:34:26,231 tell a couple of jokes. 951 00:34:26,315 --> 00:34:28,192 Sometimes you throw candy at them. 952 00:34:28,275 --> 00:34:30,110 - No way. - It's easy. 953 00:34:30,194 --> 00:34:31,904 They're there to laugh and get out of the heat, 954 00:34:31,987 --> 00:34:33,697 and I keep that studio cold. 955 00:34:33,781 --> 00:34:36,450 The hours are minimal, and it's a quick subway ride away. 956 00:34:36,533 --> 00:34:39,578 And the money... you will be paid a lot of money. 957 00:34:39,661 --> 00:34:42,331 Too much money. I'll see to that. 958 00:34:42,414 --> 00:34:45,459 And how could this possibly help you fix things with Susie? 959 00:34:45,542 --> 00:34:50,047 My only chance at getting her back is through you. 960 00:34:50,130 --> 00:34:52,257 If we get along, Susie will calm down, 961 00:34:52,341 --> 00:34:54,009 and then she'll come be my manager. 962 00:34:54,092 --> 00:34:55,511 I would never work for you. 963 00:34:55,594 --> 00:34:57,805 You won't be. You'll be working for NBC. 964 00:34:57,888 --> 00:35:00,432 And the best part? You won't have to see me. 965 00:35:00,516 --> 00:35:04,353 You'll perform, you'll leave, and then I come on. 966 00:35:04,436 --> 00:35:06,021 And that's the way it'll be. 967 00:35:06,104 --> 00:35:09,399 And in a year, maybe less, you'll be debt-free. 968 00:35:09,483 --> 00:35:10,984 I'll even throw in a fridge. 969 00:35:12,277 --> 00:35:15,864 And I'll muzzle that L. Roy Dunham for you, too. 970 00:35:15,948 --> 00:35:18,534 That bitch needs a comeuppance. 971 00:35:19,993 --> 00:35:23,664 Women should help each other out, don't you think? 972 00:35:26,708 --> 00:35:28,710 ♪ ♪ 973 00:35:30,170 --> 00:35:32,923 [song playing in Chinese] 974 00:35:33,006 --> 00:35:35,217 [indistinct chatter] 975 00:35:35,300 --> 00:35:37,302 [song continues in Chinese] 976 00:35:45,853 --> 00:35:47,604 - Where is he? - I don't know. 977 00:35:47,688 --> 00:35:49,064 We had dinner down the block. 978 00:35:49,147 --> 00:35:51,400 I came ahead to make sure everything was ready. 979 00:35:51,483 --> 00:35:53,652 - He may have hit a bar. - A bar? 980 00:35:53,735 --> 00:35:55,404 Is this guy a drunk? 981 00:35:55,487 --> 00:35:57,155 Let me use your phone. 982 00:35:57,239 --> 00:35:59,074 I shouldn't have let him out of my sight. 983 00:35:59,157 --> 00:36:01,577 Did I let you talk me into booking a drunk magician? 984 00:36:01,660 --> 00:36:03,412 I don't even know who the fuck to call. 985 00:36:03,495 --> 00:36:05,205 'Cause I'm all for a magician disappearing 986 00:36:05,289 --> 00:36:06,999 but not before he goes onstage. 987 00:36:07,082 --> 00:36:08,417 - Hey. - Hey. 988 00:36:08,500 --> 00:36:09,710 Why are you still here? 989 00:36:09,793 --> 00:36:11,044 You're supposed to be on a train. 990 00:36:11,128 --> 00:36:12,629 I know. Can we talk? 991 00:36:12,713 --> 00:36:13,922 What's wrong? 992 00:36:14,006 --> 00:36:15,799 - Office. - Sure. 993 00:36:17,050 --> 00:36:18,969 - Be right back. - [phone line beeping] 994 00:36:19,052 --> 00:36:21,763 Oh, sure, and it's my pleasure to hang up the phone for you. 995 00:36:21,847 --> 00:36:23,724 [beeping stops] 996 00:36:25,726 --> 00:36:27,352 I never should've booked this guy. 997 00:36:27,436 --> 00:36:28,687 Sight unseen, I did it. 998 00:36:28,770 --> 00:36:29,938 I'm an idiot. 999 00:36:30,022 --> 00:36:31,773 Well, I'm pregnant. 1000 00:36:33,275 --> 00:36:35,152 Did you ask me what I wanted to talk about? 1001 00:36:35,235 --> 00:36:36,320 No. 1002 00:36:36,403 --> 00:36:37,696 Oh, okay. I wanted to talk 1003 00:36:37,779 --> 00:36:39,364 about the fact that I'm pregnant. 1004 00:36:39,448 --> 00:36:41,450 - When you're ready. - You're pregnant? 1005 00:36:41,533 --> 00:36:42,951 - Yes. - You're sure? 1006 00:36:43,035 --> 00:36:44,620 - Yes. - You're sure sure? 1007 00:36:44,703 --> 00:36:46,622 Joel, there's a custom in my culture. 1008 00:36:46,705 --> 00:36:49,249 It's an ironclad, foolproof way to tell if a woman's pregnant. 1009 00:36:49,333 --> 00:36:51,919 - What is it? - It's taking a damn test at a doctor's office. 1010 00:36:52,002 --> 00:36:54,004 - I'm sure. - Shit. 1011 00:36:55,714 --> 00:36:58,342 - Shit. - Uh-huh. My first words, too. 1012 00:36:58,425 --> 00:37:00,427 So we're on the same page there. That's good. 1013 00:37:00,510 --> 00:37:01,929 This is my fault. 1014 00:37:02,012 --> 00:37:03,597 - I know better. - So do I. 1015 00:37:03,680 --> 00:37:05,515 - I mean, I'm gonna be a doctor. - I know. 1016 00:37:05,599 --> 00:37:07,434 - I'm on a path, you know? - Yes, I know. 1017 00:37:07,517 --> 00:37:09,102 - I'm gonna be a doctor. - I know. 1018 00:37:09,186 --> 00:37:10,729 I'm gonna be a doctor. 1019 00:37:10,812 --> 00:37:11,730 I know. I heard you. 1020 00:37:11,813 --> 00:37:13,565 I'm gonna be a doctor! 1021 00:37:13,649 --> 00:37:14,983 I know you're gonna be a doctor. 1022 00:37:15,067 --> 00:37:16,568 Why do you keep saying you're gonna be a doctor? 1023 00:37:16,652 --> 00:37:19,196 I'm not saying it to you. I'm saying it to me. 1024 00:37:19,279 --> 00:37:22,157 You have to say it over and over and over at first 1025 00:37:22,240 --> 00:37:24,159 so you know the other person heard you, 1026 00:37:24,242 --> 00:37:26,411 and then again and again to remind yourself 1027 00:37:26,495 --> 00:37:28,497 that you're actually gonna be a doctor, 1028 00:37:28,580 --> 00:37:31,041 and then over and over so you remember 1029 00:37:31,124 --> 00:37:33,502 you're gonna be a doctor and you don't forget 1030 00:37:33,585 --> 00:37:36,505 and you don't lose focus and you don't get pregnant! 1031 00:37:36,588 --> 00:37:38,840 - Mei... - I go to bed saying I'm gonna be a doctor. 1032 00:37:38,924 --> 00:37:40,676 I wake up saying I'm gonna be a doctor. 1033 00:37:40,759 --> 00:37:42,678 I know. I've woken up next to you. 1034 00:37:42,761 --> 00:37:44,429 You're gonna be a doctor. It's a done deal. 1035 00:37:44,513 --> 00:37:45,847 You got a residency interview tomorrow. 1036 00:37:45,931 --> 00:37:47,265 - It's gonna happen. - Oh, my God. 1037 00:37:47,349 --> 00:37:48,976 I've got a residency interview tomorrow. 1038 00:37:49,059 --> 00:37:50,978 - Go. Get on a train. - But I'm pregnant. 1039 00:37:51,061 --> 00:37:52,604 - I think it's safe. - There's jostling. 1040 00:37:52,688 --> 00:37:55,691 Mei, we'll figure it out. We've got time. 1041 00:37:55,774 --> 00:37:57,693 I've fucked up a lot of things in my life. 1042 00:37:57,776 --> 00:38:00,320 I'm not gonna fuck this up, too. Let me get you a taxi. 1043 00:38:00,404 --> 00:38:01,697 I've got one outside. 1044 00:38:01,780 --> 00:38:03,407 Then go. 1045 00:38:06,243 --> 00:38:08,245 And call me from the station. 1046 00:38:08,328 --> 00:38:10,288 And as soon as you get to Chicago. 1047 00:38:10,372 --> 00:38:12,541 And when you get to your hotel. And when... 1048 00:38:12,624 --> 00:38:14,668 I'll call a lot. I promise. 1049 00:38:16,128 --> 00:38:17,879 You're gonna be a doctor. 1050 00:38:25,804 --> 00:38:27,806 [door closes] 1051 00:38:29,683 --> 00:38:31,852 [sighs] 1052 00:38:31,935 --> 00:38:33,937 [lively chatter] 1053 00:38:48,201 --> 00:38:50,203 [food sizzling] 1054 00:39:09,014 --> 00:39:10,265 [bells jingle] 1055 00:39:10,348 --> 00:39:11,933 Alfie. 1056 00:39:12,017 --> 00:39:13,602 You're very mad at me. 1057 00:39:13,685 --> 00:39:16,021 - I've been looking all over for you. - [sniffs, coughs] 1058 00:39:16,104 --> 00:39:17,564 That is not a spice. 1059 00:39:17,647 --> 00:39:19,357 I may have just snorted gunpowder. 1060 00:39:19,441 --> 00:39:21,902 Goddamn, Alfie, there's a room full of people waiting for you. 1061 00:39:21,985 --> 00:39:24,071 - I am aware. - But you don't give a shit? 1062 00:39:24,154 --> 00:39:26,114 I didn't say that. 1063 00:39:26,198 --> 00:39:28,200 - You been drinking? - I thought about it. 1064 00:39:28,283 --> 00:39:29,910 So you're just doing a little shopping. 1065 00:39:29,993 --> 00:39:31,536 Getting a jump on Christmas? 1066 00:39:31,620 --> 00:39:34,581 You know, it was just about 20 years ago to the day 1067 00:39:34,664 --> 00:39:37,459 that I won the Major Bowes Amateur Hour. 1068 00:39:37,542 --> 00:39:39,586 - I was 12. - Impressive. 1069 00:39:39,669 --> 00:39:41,463 Orson Welles took me to lunch. 1070 00:39:41,546 --> 00:39:43,090 He ordered for both of us. 1071 00:39:43,173 --> 00:39:45,842 Then he asked a very pertinent question: 1072 00:39:45,926 --> 00:39:49,221 "What does it mean for a magician to perform on radio?" 1073 00:39:49,304 --> 00:39:52,099 - That's a pretty good question. - And then he ate both lunches. 1074 00:39:52,182 --> 00:39:53,600 Sounds like Orson. 1075 00:39:53,683 --> 00:39:55,602 When he finished, he went to the john 1076 00:39:55,685 --> 00:39:58,605 and I drank his martini, and I liked it. 1077 00:39:58,688 --> 00:40:01,191 It was like punch but with that terrific snap. 1078 00:40:01,274 --> 00:40:03,235 Can't guess what this is. I'm buying it. 1079 00:40:03,318 --> 00:40:04,903 Alfie, do not do what you're doing. 1080 00:40:04,986 --> 00:40:07,197 - What am I doing? - You're talking yourself out of it. 1081 00:40:07,280 --> 00:40:08,615 Am I? 1082 00:40:08,698 --> 00:40:10,325 You are the best I've seen. 1083 00:40:10,408 --> 00:40:12,410 You are not a hack. You're special. 1084 00:40:12,494 --> 00:40:13,745 I really believe that. 1085 00:40:13,829 --> 00:40:15,372 You can do this. Let me help you. 1086 00:40:15,455 --> 00:40:18,041 I don't know. I just feel... 1087 00:40:18,125 --> 00:40:19,709 What? What do you feel? 1088 00:40:19,793 --> 00:40:21,211 Everything. 1089 00:40:22,671 --> 00:40:24,464 I got a good eye, Alfie. 1090 00:40:24,548 --> 00:40:26,758 You are client number two of what's gonna be a roster 1091 00:40:26,842 --> 00:40:28,426 of groundbreaking fucking clients, 1092 00:40:28,510 --> 00:40:30,095 so I am not giving up on you. 1093 00:40:30,178 --> 00:40:32,681 [sighs] Lost causes-- is that your specialty? 1094 00:40:32,764 --> 00:40:34,808 I don't know. Ask Sigmund fucking Freud. 1095 00:40:34,891 --> 00:40:36,643 I can, you know. I talk to the dead. 1096 00:40:36,726 --> 00:40:38,979 Fine. Tell Siggie to watch you, because goddamn it, 1097 00:40:39,062 --> 00:40:41,439 you are getting back up there, because if you are gonna fail, 1098 00:40:41,523 --> 00:40:42,899 you're gonna fail with an audience 1099 00:40:42,983 --> 00:40:44,693 and you are gonna fail spectacularly. 1100 00:40:44,776 --> 00:40:46,778 - Is this a pep talk? - Hell yes. 1101 00:40:46,862 --> 00:40:48,572 It's using the word "fail" a lot. 1102 00:40:48,655 --> 00:40:50,907 But you get the gist. 1103 00:40:50,991 --> 00:40:53,535 Now, you are not going on tonight. 1104 00:40:53,618 --> 00:40:56,079 Hmm? I'm gonna buy that thing for you that you want, 1105 00:40:56,163 --> 00:40:58,206 and you're gonna go home and play with it, 1106 00:40:58,290 --> 00:41:00,083 and once it breaks, 'cause all this shit in here 1107 00:41:00,167 --> 00:41:02,752 lasts like a minute, you are gonna start practicing 1108 00:41:02,836 --> 00:41:04,671 for the new gig I am booking for you tomorrow. 1109 00:41:04,754 --> 00:41:06,631 That man at the club will be very upset. 1110 00:41:06,715 --> 00:41:08,175 He's not a man. He's Joel. 1111 00:41:08,258 --> 00:41:10,010 I'll deal with him. 1112 00:41:10,093 --> 00:41:12,387 Just don't drink. Okay? 1113 00:41:12,470 --> 00:41:14,181 Because you are the lousiest, sloppiest 1114 00:41:14,264 --> 00:41:16,725 - fucking drunk I've ever met. - [chuckles] 1115 00:41:16,808 --> 00:41:18,602 Now, where's that thing you want? 1116 00:41:18,685 --> 00:41:20,353 It's in your pocket. 1117 00:41:23,481 --> 00:41:26,276 Motherfuck, you are good. 1118 00:41:26,359 --> 00:41:27,986 [sighs] 1119 00:41:29,321 --> 00:41:31,156 [sighs] 1120 00:41:31,239 --> 00:41:33,742 [bird cawing] 1121 00:41:36,411 --> 00:41:38,705 - [train horn blaring] - [pigeons cooing] 1122 00:41:38,788 --> 00:41:40,707 I'm trying to get the fuck away from her. 1123 00:41:40,790 --> 00:41:43,418 - I know. - This is not getting the fuck away from her. 1124 00:41:43,501 --> 00:41:45,629 It's money. It's anonymous money. 1125 00:41:45,712 --> 00:41:47,172 She's an evil genius. 1126 00:41:47,255 --> 00:41:50,008 Patricia Highsmith modeled every psycho in every book after her. 1127 00:41:50,091 --> 00:41:51,927 I need the cash. I need a fridge. 1128 00:41:52,010 --> 00:41:53,553 She sent me luggage and a car. 1129 00:41:53,637 --> 00:41:55,055 It's local. No travel. 1130 00:41:55,138 --> 00:41:58,225 No? Too bad, 'cause I have luggage and a car you could use. 1131 00:42:02,979 --> 00:42:04,564 - [Susie sighs] - Susie? 1132 00:42:04,648 --> 00:42:06,066 These are housewives. 1133 00:42:06,149 --> 00:42:08,109 - You can't say "tits." - I won't say "tits." 1134 00:42:08,193 --> 00:42:10,111 You think you can do this without saying "tits"? 1135 00:42:10,195 --> 00:42:11,404 I think I can. 1136 00:42:11,488 --> 00:42:13,114 Fuck! 1137 00:42:16,243 --> 00:42:18,620 [lighter clatters on desk] 1138 00:42:19,663 --> 00:42:21,373 She had sex with Cubby O'Brien. 1139 00:42:21,456 --> 00:42:23,375 So? Wait, what? 1140 00:42:23,458 --> 00:42:25,335 The Mouseketeer? I don't believe that. 1141 00:42:25,418 --> 00:42:26,670 You really want to work for a woman 1142 00:42:26,753 --> 00:42:28,088 who defiled America's sweetheart? 1143 00:42:28,171 --> 00:42:30,548 I don't think Cubby O'Brien is America's sweetheart. 1144 00:42:30,632 --> 00:42:33,927 America loves goddamn Cubby O'Brien, Miriam! Wake up! 1145 00:42:36,554 --> 00:42:37,681 Fuck! 1146 00:42:38,974 --> 00:42:40,976 [seagulls screeching in distance] 1147 00:42:43,353 --> 00:42:45,397 Mrs. Weissman, follow me. 1148 00:42:58,827 --> 00:43:00,745 - Rose Weissman. - Hmm. 1149 00:43:00,829 --> 00:43:02,789 We finally meet face-to-face. 1150 00:43:02,872 --> 00:43:04,332 You find the place okay? 1151 00:43:04,416 --> 00:43:05,959 I did. It's lovely. 1152 00:43:06,042 --> 00:43:07,752 I've never been to Brighton Beach before. 1153 00:43:07,836 --> 00:43:09,879 - It feels like such a treat. - Please sit. 1154 00:43:13,049 --> 00:43:14,384 I'm Benedetta. 1155 00:43:14,467 --> 00:43:15,802 Benedetta...? 1156 00:43:15,885 --> 00:43:17,887 - No last names. - Oh, yes. 1157 00:43:17,971 --> 00:43:19,681 You know my last name, though. 1158 00:43:19,764 --> 00:43:21,099 - I'm Gitta. - Molly. 1159 00:43:21,182 --> 00:43:23,143 - Miss Em. - Well, nice to meet you all. 1160 00:43:23,226 --> 00:43:24,769 Is this the whole group? 1161 00:43:24,853 --> 00:43:26,438 You drink sherry, don't you, Rose? 1162 00:43:26,521 --> 00:43:28,481 I do. I mean, not during the day. 1163 00:43:28,565 --> 00:43:30,442 Oh. Thank you. 1164 00:43:32,902 --> 00:43:35,613 I just have to say I think it's a wonderful idea 1165 00:43:35,697 --> 00:43:37,657 to have a Small Business Women's Council. 1166 00:43:37,741 --> 00:43:40,577 Women coming together to share a common purpose. 1167 00:43:40,660 --> 00:43:42,162 It's like the Girl Scouts 1168 00:43:42,245 --> 00:43:44,039 without the annoying camping element. 1169 00:43:44,122 --> 00:43:46,207 Ooh, the herring is so nice today. 1170 00:43:46,291 --> 00:43:49,377 So tell me, Benedetta, what exactly is your business? 1171 00:43:49,461 --> 00:43:51,171 Me? Oh, I help people. 1172 00:43:51,254 --> 00:43:52,297 So noble. 1173 00:43:52,380 --> 00:43:53,590 I help them find each other. 1174 00:43:53,673 --> 00:43:54,966 I help them fall in love. 1175 00:43:55,050 --> 00:43:56,217 I help them get married. 1176 00:43:56,301 --> 00:43:58,136 You sound like a matchmaker. 1177 00:43:59,220 --> 00:44:01,139 Miss Em, what is your business? 1178 00:44:01,222 --> 00:44:05,643 Well, I am what I like to call a matrimonial matron. 1179 00:44:05,727 --> 00:44:07,896 Otherwise known as a matchmaker. 1180 00:44:07,979 --> 00:44:09,647 [Benedetta] Gitta, what about you? 1181 00:44:09,731 --> 00:44:11,399 Matchmaker. Pass the mustard. 1182 00:44:11,483 --> 00:44:13,151 - Molly? - I am a nurse part-time, 1183 00:44:13,234 --> 00:44:15,153 and I teach clogging on the weekends. 1184 00:44:15,236 --> 00:44:16,863 I'm kidding. 1185 00:44:16,946 --> 00:44:18,198 I'm a matchmaker. 1186 00:44:18,281 --> 00:44:19,699 What about you, Rose Weissman? 1187 00:44:19,783 --> 00:44:21,785 Well, I'm also a matchmaker. 1188 00:44:21,868 --> 00:44:25,038 And how long have you been a matchmaker, Rose Weissman? 1189 00:44:25,121 --> 00:44:26,289 You know, "Rose" is fine. 1190 00:44:26,373 --> 00:44:28,333 Rose Weissman has not answered my question. 1191 00:44:28,416 --> 00:44:30,418 And she also hasn't passed the mustard. 1192 00:44:30,502 --> 00:44:33,630 Well, I'm relatively new to the game. A few months. 1193 00:44:33,713 --> 00:44:35,090 You seem to be doing very well for yourself 1194 00:44:35,173 --> 00:44:36,174 in such a short time. 1195 00:44:36,257 --> 00:44:37,550 - Beginner's luck. - Uh-huh. 1196 00:44:37,634 --> 00:44:39,677 Have you ever seen a dog try to eat the kibble 1197 00:44:39,761 --> 00:44:41,388 out of another dog's dish, Rose Weissman? 1198 00:44:41,471 --> 00:44:43,264 - Thankfully, no. - It's ugly. 1199 00:44:43,348 --> 00:44:45,683 - Very ugly. - A dog has one dish. 1200 00:44:45,767 --> 00:44:47,560 He shouldn't have to share his kibble with anyone. 1201 00:44:47,644 --> 00:44:49,729 Ladies, I think there's been a misunderstanding. 1202 00:44:49,813 --> 00:44:51,648 So you're not working as a matchmaker? 1203 00:44:51,731 --> 00:44:52,982 Well, yes, I am. 1204 00:44:53,066 --> 00:44:54,734 But I assure you I'm not trying to eat 1205 00:44:54,818 --> 00:44:56,611 the kibble out of anyone's dish. 1206 00:44:56,694 --> 00:44:58,530 You bagged the Melamid girls. 1207 00:44:58,613 --> 00:45:01,116 - Melamid's my territory. - I don't understand. 1208 00:45:01,199 --> 00:45:03,326 Manhattan is divided up into territories. 1209 00:45:03,410 --> 00:45:05,328 It's the only way to keep the peace after the wars. 1210 00:45:05,412 --> 00:45:06,496 The wars? 1211 00:45:06,579 --> 00:45:09,082 You don't want to know about the wars. 1212 00:45:09,165 --> 00:45:11,126 Lost a lot of good ladies in the wars. 1213 00:45:11,209 --> 00:45:15,296 However, once everyone got their piece, the wars stopped. 1214 00:45:15,380 --> 00:45:17,173 Now we each have our territory. 1215 00:45:17,257 --> 00:45:19,134 Little Italy, Lower East Side. 1216 00:45:19,217 --> 00:45:21,886 Upper Manhattan, Harlem, Washington Heights. 1217 00:45:21,970 --> 00:45:23,847 West End, Midtown, Hell's Kitchen. 1218 00:45:23,930 --> 00:45:25,974 Jews are everywhere, but I stick to the Jews, 1219 00:45:26,057 --> 00:45:27,600 and Melamid's a Jew. 1220 00:45:27,684 --> 00:45:30,812 Well, I'm sorry. I didn't know about the territories. 1221 00:45:30,895 --> 00:45:33,148 - You got our letter, didn't you? - What letter? 1222 00:45:33,231 --> 00:45:34,232 The letter that you ignored. 1223 00:45:34,315 --> 00:45:35,817 The one that said "stop." 1224 00:45:35,900 --> 00:45:37,819 Oh, that letter. 1225 00:45:37,902 --> 00:45:39,946 Yes, I did get it. 1226 00:45:40,029 --> 00:45:41,531 I just didn't understand it. 1227 00:45:41,614 --> 00:45:42,907 You didn't understand "stop"? 1228 00:45:42,991 --> 00:45:44,742 - It's one word. - What are you, an idiot? 1229 00:45:44,826 --> 00:45:46,327 No. I understand it now. 1230 00:45:46,411 --> 00:45:47,328 Good. 1231 00:45:47,412 --> 00:45:48,663 But, ladies, really, 1232 00:45:48,746 --> 00:45:50,540 New York is such a big city. 1233 00:45:50,623 --> 00:45:52,834 Surely, there's enough business to go around. 1234 00:45:52,917 --> 00:45:55,170 I don't think you've been listening to us. 1235 00:45:55,253 --> 00:45:56,921 You are not welcome. 1236 00:45:57,005 --> 00:45:58,423 You are intruding. 1237 00:45:58,506 --> 00:46:02,051 You are competition that we do not need or want. 1238 00:46:02,135 --> 00:46:04,471 Now, we are ladies, and as ladies, 1239 00:46:04,554 --> 00:46:06,264 we wanted to give you a chance. 1240 00:46:06,347 --> 00:46:08,057 If you had pulled this stunt out in Staten Island, 1241 00:46:08,141 --> 00:46:09,767 all that would've been left of you is that hat. 1242 00:46:09,851 --> 00:46:11,561 And I don't want to tell you 1243 00:46:11,644 --> 00:46:13,605 what they would've done to the hat. 1244 00:46:13,688 --> 00:46:16,900 We can make this very, very ugly for you if we choose to. 1245 00:46:16,983 --> 00:46:18,401 What are you saying? 1246 00:46:18,485 --> 00:46:20,403 For starters, we know about your daughter 1247 00:46:20,487 --> 00:46:21,821 and that nudie show. 1248 00:46:21,905 --> 00:46:23,656 Mr. Melamid would not approve. 1249 00:46:23,740 --> 00:46:26,034 None of your other clients would, either. 1250 00:46:26,117 --> 00:46:28,953 What my daughter does has nothing to do with my business. 1251 00:46:29,037 --> 00:46:30,538 Business? 1252 00:46:30,622 --> 00:46:32,582 What do you know about business? 1253 00:46:32,665 --> 00:46:34,417 Matchmaking isn't a business. 1254 00:46:34,501 --> 00:46:37,337 It's a tradition going back decades, centuries. 1255 00:46:37,420 --> 00:46:40,048 My family has been pairing up Harlem 1256 00:46:40,131 --> 00:46:42,175 since Harlem had two A's in it. 1257 00:46:42,258 --> 00:46:43,259 You got to stop. 1258 00:46:43,343 --> 00:46:44,302 - Stop. - Stop. 1259 00:46:44,385 --> 00:46:46,554 - Stop and pass the salt. - Are we clear? 1260 00:46:48,389 --> 00:46:50,225 Good. 1261 00:46:51,267 --> 00:46:52,727 Now... 1262 00:46:52,810 --> 00:46:53,853 shall we eat? 1263 00:46:53,937 --> 00:46:54,979 Mm. 1264 00:46:55,063 --> 00:46:56,439 The cutlets here are so thin. 1265 00:46:56,523 --> 00:46:58,441 And crispy. 1266 00:46:58,525 --> 00:47:01,319 That is a lovely hat, by the way. 1267 00:47:01,402 --> 00:47:02,737 [indistinct chatter] 1268 00:47:02,820 --> 00:47:04,239 [Marvin] It's a good audience today. 1269 00:47:04,322 --> 00:47:06,616 Mostly tourists, a few locals, couple of nuns. The usual. 1270 00:47:06,699 --> 00:47:08,284 [Midge] I'll try not to insult the pope. 1271 00:47:08,368 --> 00:47:09,661 [Marvin] Crowd work's always good. 1272 00:47:09,744 --> 00:47:11,496 They love it, so feel free to interact. 1273 00:47:11,579 --> 00:47:12,997 And at some point, we'll be throwing 1274 00:47:13,081 --> 00:47:14,999 game-branded pot holders out to everybody. 1275 00:47:15,083 --> 00:47:17,085 - They love pot holders. - As do I. 1276 00:47:17,168 --> 00:47:18,795 Just keep in mind that the one thing 1277 00:47:18,878 --> 00:47:20,171 everyone out there has in common 1278 00:47:20,255 --> 00:47:22,340 is the thing we all have in common: we love Sophie. 1279 00:47:22,423 --> 00:47:23,841 [coughs] Sorry. 1280 00:47:23,925 --> 00:47:26,177 - Yes. We love Sophie. - [man] Ten seconds to warm-up! 1281 00:47:26,261 --> 00:47:29,138 Okay, looks like we're ready. Go out there and have fun. 1282 00:47:29,222 --> 00:47:30,848 I'm gonna wander around a little. 1283 00:47:30,932 --> 00:47:32,850 Break a leg. Better yet, break Sophie's. 1284 00:47:32,934 --> 00:47:35,144 Go on. I'll see you later. 1285 00:47:35,228 --> 00:47:36,980 [sighs] 1286 00:47:37,063 --> 00:47:39,190 Good afternoon, everyone. 1287 00:47:40,483 --> 00:47:43,069 You ready to see Seconds Count! with Sophie Lennon? 1288 00:47:43,152 --> 00:47:45,780 [cheering] 1289 00:47:45,863 --> 00:47:47,740 That's too bad, because this is a cooking show. 1290 00:47:47,824 --> 00:47:50,118 - Who likes salmon casserole? - [laughter] 1291 00:47:50,201 --> 00:47:52,453 No, no, you're in the right place. 1292 00:47:52,537 --> 00:47:54,581 So, a couple of things to keep in mind today. 1293 00:47:54,664 --> 00:47:58,293 No smoking, no snacking, and when that red light goes on, 1294 00:47:58,376 --> 00:48:00,169 it means the Russians are invading. 1295 00:48:00,253 --> 00:48:02,630 - [laughter] - Or we're rolling. One of the two. 1296 00:48:02,714 --> 00:48:04,340 Both are pretty exciting. 1297 00:48:04,424 --> 00:48:06,301 And when Sophie comes out, I'm gonna need you 1298 00:48:06,384 --> 00:48:08,136 to yell like your hair's on fire. 1299 00:48:08,219 --> 00:48:10,263 And if at any point your hair really is on fire, 1300 00:48:10,346 --> 00:48:12,181 the exits are there and there. 1301 00:48:12,265 --> 00:48:13,808 [laughter] 1302 00:48:13,891 --> 00:48:17,228 Boy, good-looking crowd today. 1303 00:48:17,312 --> 00:48:18,813 You two look like you're in love. 1304 00:48:18,896 --> 00:48:20,607 - Am I wrong? - We're engaged. 1305 00:48:20,690 --> 00:48:22,150 [audience] Aw. 1306 00:48:22,233 --> 00:48:23,985 Exciting. 1307 00:48:24,068 --> 00:48:25,862 And do you want kids right away? 1308 00:48:25,945 --> 00:48:27,780 - Uh, uh, I think so. - Yes. 1309 00:48:27,864 --> 00:48:29,282 Great. Well, I've got two for you. 1310 00:48:29,365 --> 00:48:30,617 Their names are Ethan and Esther. 1311 00:48:30,700 --> 00:48:32,201 I'll have them bathed and delivered to you. 1312 00:48:32,285 --> 00:48:33,745 Just feed and water them regularly. 1313 00:48:33,828 --> 00:48:35,955 - Nice doing business with you. - [laughter] 1314 00:48:40,877 --> 00:48:43,421 Hi there. Susie Myerson, talent manager. 1315 00:48:43,504 --> 00:48:45,548 Just dropping by to say hello to Mike Carr. 1316 00:48:45,632 --> 00:48:47,550 Following up on a lunch from a couple weeks ago. 1317 00:48:47,634 --> 00:48:49,927 - You on the list? - Sure. Who do I see about the list? 1318 00:48:50,011 --> 00:48:52,055 Me. Your name's Susie Myerson? 1319 00:48:52,138 --> 00:48:55,224 Actually, it's, uh... Carol Jacobson. 1320 00:48:55,308 --> 00:48:58,019 - Yep. There I am. - So you're Gordon's stepmother? 1321 00:48:58,102 --> 00:48:59,812 Yep. Love him like my own. 1322 00:48:59,896 --> 00:49:01,564 Keep walking. 1323 00:49:01,648 --> 00:49:03,983 It's always "keep walking" with these people. 1324 00:49:04,067 --> 00:49:07,779 [audience laughing, applauding] 1325 00:49:07,862 --> 00:49:08,946 So I'm getting the sense that 1326 00:49:09,030 --> 00:49:10,615 a lot of you are from out of town. 1327 00:49:10,698 --> 00:49:12,784 Let's see a show of hands. Come on. 1328 00:49:12,867 --> 00:49:16,371 And how many of you are toting New York City guidebooks? 1329 00:49:16,454 --> 00:49:17,664 Some of you have 'em. 1330 00:49:17,747 --> 00:49:19,415 Fess up. Uh-huh. 1331 00:49:19,499 --> 00:49:21,042 Let me see that. 1332 00:49:21,125 --> 00:49:23,086 You know, this is the only place in the world where you can see 1333 00:49:23,169 --> 00:49:24,879 a Broadway musical, a game show and a mugging 1334 00:49:24,962 --> 00:49:26,422 - all in one day. - [laughter] 1335 00:49:26,506 --> 00:49:28,007 Let's see. Says here, 1336 00:49:28,091 --> 00:49:31,386 "For your own safety, try not to look like a tourist." 1337 00:49:31,469 --> 00:49:34,055 Which is tough when you're carrying a guidebook. 1338 00:49:34,138 --> 00:49:36,766 I guess they just want you to look like a very stupid local. 1339 00:49:36,849 --> 00:49:38,685 - [laughter] - What's with the laughs? 1340 00:49:38,768 --> 00:49:40,228 It's your girl. She's good. 1341 00:49:40,311 --> 00:49:41,729 Very good. Crowd loves her. 1342 00:49:41,813 --> 00:49:43,272 Oh, good. 1343 00:49:43,356 --> 00:49:45,149 It's going to work. 1344 00:49:45,233 --> 00:49:47,026 [laughter] 1345 00:49:47,110 --> 00:49:48,528 [Midge] ...walk around with a hobo stick 1346 00:49:48,611 --> 00:49:50,154 and a half-drunk bottle of Canadian Club, 1347 00:49:50,238 --> 00:49:52,156 and no one will come within a mile of you. 1348 00:49:52,240 --> 00:49:54,575 - [laughter] - [woman] She's so funny! 1349 00:49:54,659 --> 00:49:56,661 [woman 2] She's a riot. 1350 00:49:56,744 --> 00:50:00,415 [Midge] "Coney Island: a great spot to visit for a day trip." 1351 00:50:00,498 --> 00:50:03,710 "New Yorkers walk quickly, so consider picking up the pace 1352 00:50:03,793 --> 00:50:05,837 so you don't annoy the locals." 1353 00:50:05,920 --> 00:50:07,880 The other good way not to annoy the locals? 1354 00:50:07,964 --> 00:50:11,092 - Leave town. - [laughter, cheering] 1355 00:50:11,175 --> 00:50:13,010 Whoa. Was it that funny? 1356 00:50:13,094 --> 00:50:15,221 [Sophie] No, but I am. 1357 00:50:15,304 --> 00:50:17,807 [cheering] 1358 00:50:19,142 --> 00:50:21,686 Sophie, hello. 1359 00:50:21,769 --> 00:50:24,147 - Is the show starting? - Oh, in a few minutes. 1360 00:50:24,230 --> 00:50:25,898 I just thought I'd come out here 1361 00:50:25,982 --> 00:50:29,318 and say hi to these beautiful people. 1362 00:50:29,402 --> 00:50:31,154 [audience] Aw. 1363 00:50:31,237 --> 00:50:34,031 Oh, sounds like you're done with the appetizer 1364 00:50:34,115 --> 00:50:36,409 and want to get to the entrée, huh? 1365 00:50:36,492 --> 00:50:37,994 Good deal, Sophie, but you know, 1366 00:50:38,077 --> 00:50:39,579 rushing a meal could give you gas. 1367 00:50:39,662 --> 00:50:41,289 [laughter] 1368 00:50:41,372 --> 00:50:45,752 Not unless the appetizer's rich, so we're fine. 1369 00:50:45,835 --> 00:50:48,588 Let's take a poll, huh? You want me to leave? 1370 00:50:48,671 --> 00:50:50,339 [all] No! 1371 00:50:50,423 --> 00:50:52,341 The people have spoken. 1372 00:50:52,425 --> 00:50:54,510 - [applause] - Ah. 1373 00:50:54,594 --> 00:50:58,848 Now, let me be your guide to New York. 1374 00:50:58,931 --> 00:51:01,184 Don't bother with lunch at Tavern on the Green. 1375 00:51:01,267 --> 00:51:03,060 You want to get day-drunk in Central Park, 1376 00:51:03,144 --> 00:51:05,104 grab a bottle and meet me in the Ramble. 1377 00:51:05,188 --> 00:51:06,856 [laughter] 1378 00:51:06,939 --> 00:51:09,275 My advice? Skip the horse-and-carriage ride. 1379 00:51:09,358 --> 00:51:11,277 If you're looking to get bounced around while breathing 1380 00:51:11,360 --> 00:51:13,237 the smell of manure, hail one of our cabs. 1381 00:51:13,321 --> 00:51:15,114 [laughter] 1382 00:51:15,198 --> 00:51:17,200 And you can skip the carousel in Central Park. 1383 00:51:17,283 --> 00:51:19,076 If you want to go around in circles 1384 00:51:19,160 --> 00:51:22,246 with a bunch of idiot children, come to my writers' room, huh? 1385 00:51:22,330 --> 00:51:25,166 And there's no need to schlep to the Museum of Natural History. 1386 00:51:25,249 --> 00:51:26,834 If you want to gawk at a dinosaur, 1387 00:51:26,918 --> 00:51:28,252 you're already in the right place. 1388 00:51:28,336 --> 00:51:29,879 - [laughter, gasping] - [Sophie] Oh, so funny. 1389 00:51:29,962 --> 00:51:33,132 So, so funny. 1390 00:51:33,216 --> 00:51:35,718 [both laughing] 1391 00:51:35,802 --> 00:51:37,678 Mike. 1392 00:51:37,762 --> 00:51:40,932 Mike. Mike. Mike. Mike. 1393 00:51:41,015 --> 00:51:42,892 Mike. Mike. 1394 00:51:42,975 --> 00:51:44,519 - What? - Susie Myerson. 1395 00:51:44,602 --> 00:51:46,562 From the Stage Deli. 1396 00:51:46,646 --> 00:51:48,523 - Sophie Lennon? - Right. How you doing? 1397 00:51:48,606 --> 00:51:50,817 The Sophie Lennon thing went good, you got to admit. 1398 00:51:50,900 --> 00:51:52,777 - Gordon was happy. - So I'm one for one. 1399 00:51:52,860 --> 00:51:54,862 Listen, I got a client, a killer comic. 1400 00:51:54,946 --> 00:51:56,739 She is wowing 'em out there, man. 1401 00:51:56,823 --> 00:51:58,491 And Gordon's show is the perfect place 1402 00:51:58,574 --> 00:51:59,951 to break her on national TV. 1403 00:52:00,034 --> 00:52:02,078 Thought I'd offer her to you before I go to Jack Paar. 1404 00:52:02,161 --> 00:52:03,871 - Great. What's her gimmick? - What? 1405 00:52:03,955 --> 00:52:05,832 Breakdown? Felony conviction? Sex triangle? 1406 00:52:05,915 --> 00:52:07,792 - She's a comic. - I don't get it. 1407 00:52:07,875 --> 00:52:10,086 - She's just a really good comic. - Okay. 1408 00:52:10,169 --> 00:52:12,421 Guess I can send one of my guys. Where's she gig? 1409 00:52:12,505 --> 00:52:15,341 Oh, she's actually doing warm-up for Sophie as we speak. 1410 00:52:15,424 --> 00:52:16,676 Never mind. 1411 00:52:16,759 --> 00:52:18,761 Uh, but her regular gig's at a place Midtown. 1412 00:52:18,845 --> 00:52:21,055 She is selling out the room. It's big stuff. 1413 00:52:21,138 --> 00:52:23,224 - Where, the Latin Quarter? Roxie's? - No. 1414 00:52:23,307 --> 00:52:25,101 - So it's a joint downtown? - No. 1415 00:52:25,184 --> 00:52:28,521 - If you want me to see her, where the fuck can I see her? - Where? 1416 00:52:28,604 --> 00:52:29,939 Where? 1417 00:52:30,022 --> 00:52:32,316 I got no fucking place for you to see her, Mike. 1418 00:52:34,026 --> 00:52:36,070 [audience laughing] 1419 00:52:36,153 --> 00:52:38,114 [Midge and Sophie laughing] 1420 00:52:38,197 --> 00:52:39,782 Wow, look at that hairstyle. 1421 00:52:39,866 --> 00:52:41,868 Wilt Chamberlain couldn't see over that thing. 1422 00:52:41,951 --> 00:52:43,286 [laughter] 1423 00:52:43,369 --> 00:52:46,497 Your hair is so high, you don't need a hair stylist, 1424 00:52:46,581 --> 00:52:49,166 you need an air traffic controller, huh? 1425 00:52:49,250 --> 00:52:51,002 Her hair is so high, 1426 00:52:51,085 --> 00:52:53,254 her split ends have altitude sickness. 1427 00:52:53,337 --> 00:52:54,839 Oh. Her hair is higher 1428 00:52:54,922 --> 00:52:56,924 than Midge's unpaid dry cleaning bills. 1429 00:52:57,008 --> 00:52:59,760 Her hair is higher than Sophie's blood pressure. 1430 00:52:59,844 --> 00:53:01,679 Her hair is higher than the pedestal 1431 00:53:01,762 --> 00:53:03,222 Midge puts herself on. 1432 00:53:03,306 --> 00:53:05,391 Ha! Her hair is higher than Sophie Lennon 1433 00:53:05,474 --> 00:53:06,893 on a Tuesday night. 1434 00:53:06,976 --> 00:53:09,729 Hell, Tuesday morning. Hell, every morning. 1435 00:53:09,812 --> 00:53:11,397 Well, how's it going, sir? 1436 00:53:11,480 --> 00:53:13,274 - What's your name? - Ma'am, what's your name? - Morty. 1437 00:53:13,357 --> 00:53:14,775 - Stella. - Morty, where are you from? - And where are you from? 1438 00:53:14,859 --> 00:53:16,694 - Milwaukee. - Westport, Connecticut. - Morty from Milwaukee. 1439 00:53:16,777 --> 00:53:18,654 - That's got a nice ring. "Hey. - Well, it's great to have you here. 1440 00:53:18,738 --> 00:53:20,781 - I'm Morty from Milwaukee. - If I need anything else from you today, 1441 00:53:20,865 --> 00:53:23,367 - I'll just call out, "Stella!" - You know my wife, Patty from Poughkeepsie." 1442 00:53:23,451 --> 00:53:25,161 Will you turn my mic up, fellas? 1443 00:53:25,244 --> 00:53:27,079 Mine, too, fellas. Trying to reach the back row here. 1444 00:53:27,163 --> 00:53:28,748 Stella, would you like my autograph? 1445 00:53:28,831 --> 00:53:30,124 Be happy to give you one. 1446 00:53:30,207 --> 00:53:31,626 Or an incurable venereal disease 1447 00:53:31,709 --> 00:53:33,085 not seen since the days of Columbus? 1448 00:53:33,169 --> 00:53:34,587 She'd be happy to give you that, too. 1449 00:53:34,670 --> 00:53:36,047 Watch your tongue here, dear. 1450 00:53:36,130 --> 00:53:38,341 We're not in that sleazy grind joint you work in. 1451 00:53:38,424 --> 00:53:40,635 Correct. We're on the set of a game show. 1452 00:53:40,718 --> 00:53:42,803 Such a nice place for an over-the-hill comedian 1453 00:53:42,887 --> 00:53:44,597 to live out her twilight years. 1454 00:53:44,680 --> 00:53:46,891 - And what a game show. - [audience gasping] 1455 00:53:46,974 --> 00:53:49,894 Another poll. [laughs] 1456 00:53:49,977 --> 00:53:52,897 Who loves Seconds Count!? 1457 00:53:52,980 --> 00:53:55,650 [cheering] 1458 00:53:55,733 --> 00:53:59,278 Seconds count, like when you're defusing a bomb. 1459 00:53:59,362 --> 00:54:02,031 Which makes sense, since half of Sophie's jokes are bombs. 1460 00:54:02,114 --> 00:54:05,368 Or like when you're pulling the cord on a parachute. 1461 00:54:05,451 --> 00:54:07,703 Did you have to do that when Shy Baldwin 1462 00:54:07,787 --> 00:54:10,081 - kicked your ass off his plane? - [audience gasping] 1463 00:54:10,164 --> 00:54:11,832 I get the laxative commercials now, Sophie. 1464 00:54:11,916 --> 00:54:13,918 Perfect for someone so full of shit. 1465 00:54:14,001 --> 00:54:15,544 All righty, folks! 1466 00:54:15,628 --> 00:54:18,297 Who wants a free pot holder? 1467 00:54:18,381 --> 00:54:20,174 [audience cheering] 1468 00:54:20,257 --> 00:54:23,260 [♪ War: "Why Can't We Be Friends?"] 1469 00:54:25,846 --> 00:54:28,307 ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh ♪ 1470 00:54:28,391 --> 00:54:30,977 ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh ♪ 1471 00:54:31,060 --> 00:54:33,354 ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh ♪ 1472 00:54:33,437 --> 00:54:35,564 ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh ♪ 1473 00:54:35,648 --> 00:54:38,109 ♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪ 1474 00:54:38,192 --> 00:54:40,820 ♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪ 1475 00:54:40,903 --> 00:54:43,406 ♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪ 1476 00:54:43,489 --> 00:54:46,742 ♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪ 1477 00:54:46,826 --> 00:54:50,579 ♪ I've seen you around for a long, long time ♪ 1478 00:54:50,663 --> 00:54:52,415 ♪ Yeah ♪ 1479 00:54:52,498 --> 00:54:56,210 ♪ I remembered you when you drank my wine ♪ 1480 00:54:56,293 --> 00:54:59,171 ♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪ 1481 00:54:59,255 --> 00:55:01,507 ♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪ 1482 00:55:01,590 --> 00:55:04,218 ♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪ 1483 00:55:04,301 --> 00:55:07,847 ♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪ 1484 00:55:07,930 --> 00:55:13,185 ♪ I've seen you walking down in Chinatown ♪ 1485 00:55:13,269 --> 00:55:17,440 ♪ I called you, but you could not look around ♪ 1486 00:55:17,523 --> 00:55:20,067 ♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪ 1487 00:55:20,151 --> 00:55:22,695 ♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪ 1488 00:55:22,778 --> 00:55:25,322 ♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪ 1489 00:55:25,406 --> 00:55:28,117 ♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪ 1490 00:55:28,200 --> 00:55:33,289 ♪ I paid my money to the welfare line ♪ 1491 00:55:33,372 --> 00:55:38,335 ♪ I see you standing in it every time ♪ 1492 00:55:38,419 --> 00:55:40,963 ♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪ 1493 00:55:41,047 --> 00:55:43,424 ♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪ 1494 00:55:43,507 --> 00:55:46,052 ♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪ 1495 00:55:46,135 --> 00:55:49,722 ♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪ 1496 00:55:49,805 --> 00:55:53,642 ♪ The color of your skin don't matter to me ♪ 1497 00:55:53,726 --> 00:55:55,311 ♪ Ow! ♪ 1498 00:55:55,394 --> 00:55:59,273 ♪ As long as we can live in harmony ♪ 1499 00:55:59,356 --> 00:56:01,776 ♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪ 1500 00:56:01,859 --> 00:56:04,361 ♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪ 1501 00:56:04,445 --> 00:56:06,864 ♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪ 1502 00:56:06,947 --> 00:56:10,576 ♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪ 1503 00:56:10,659 --> 00:56:14,246 ♪ I'd kind of like to be the president ♪ 1504 00:56:14,330 --> 00:56:16,082 - ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ - ♪ Yeah! ♪ 1505 00:56:16,165 --> 00:56:19,919 ♪ So I can show you how your money's spent, whoo! ♪ 1506 00:56:20,002 --> 00:56:22,379 ♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪ 1507 00:56:22,463 --> 00:56:24,882 ♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪ 1508 00:56:24,965 --> 00:56:27,551 ♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪ 1509 00:56:27,635 --> 00:56:30,888 ♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪ 1510 00:56:30,971 --> 00:56:34,975 ♪ Sometimes I don't speak right ♪ 1511 00:56:35,059 --> 00:56:36,477 ♪ All right! ♪ 1512 00:56:36,560 --> 00:56:40,397 ♪ But yet I know what I'm talking about ♪ 1513 00:56:40,481 --> 00:56:42,900 ♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪ 1514 00:56:42,983 --> 00:56:45,486 ♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪ 1515 00:56:45,569 --> 00:56:48,155 ♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪ 1516 00:56:48,239 --> 00:56:50,574 ♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪ 1517 00:56:50,658 --> 00:56:53,202 ♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪ 1518 00:56:53,285 --> 00:56:55,871 ♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪ 1519 00:56:55,955 --> 00:56:58,207 ♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪ 1520 00:56:58,290 --> 00:57:01,293 ♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪♪