1 00:00:08,426 --> 00:00:10,636 -Hey, that guy's over there. -What guy? 2 00:00:10,678 --> 00:00:12,263 That guy that told you about that thing that day. 3 00:00:12,304 --> 00:00:13,681 That thing about the weird dude and his weird friend 4 00:00:13,723 --> 00:00:15,266 -doing that dumb thing? -Then you told me and I told you 5 00:00:15,307 --> 00:00:16,475 I'd already heard about it, and you said it was 6 00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:17,935 a different thing but it wasn't? 7 00:00:17,977 --> 00:00:19,895 -Oh, yeah. -What's his name? I forget. 8 00:00:19,937 --> 00:00:21,522 I don't know. Something to do with fish. 9 00:00:21,564 --> 00:00:23,441 -Oh, that's gonna bother me. -FRED: Hey, Susie. 10 00:00:23,482 --> 00:00:26,277 You hear about the big arthritis telethon on WNPO next Tuesday? 11 00:00:26,318 --> 00:00:28,571 They're looking for acts but spots are going fast. 12 00:00:28,612 --> 00:00:30,990 A spot? On TV? That would be sensational. 13 00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:32,032 Why am I just hearing about this? 14 00:00:32,074 --> 00:00:33,409 Just heard it myself. 15 00:00:33,451 --> 00:00:34,785 Margie the booker's at table six. 16 00:00:34,827 --> 00:00:37,163 You gotta give me a heads-up about these things, Fred. 17 00:00:37,204 --> 00:00:38,873 I don't work for you! 18 00:00:38,914 --> 00:00:40,458 Margie, Susie Myerson. 19 00:00:40,499 --> 00:00:42,460 I rep a comic that would be great for the telethon. 20 00:00:42,501 --> 00:00:43,669 She's an up-and-comer. 21 00:00:43,711 --> 00:00:45,004 Get someone I know to vouch for her 22 00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:46,130 and maybe I'll work her in. 23 00:00:46,172 --> 00:00:47,631 Piece of cake. 24 00:00:47,673 --> 00:00:49,133 Dougie, you know Margie? 25 00:00:49,175 --> 00:00:50,926 From way back. She's doing the telethon. 26 00:00:50,968 --> 00:00:52,803 -Go vouch for my girl? -Done deal. 27 00:00:52,845 --> 00:00:54,388 Yes. 28 00:00:54,430 --> 00:00:56,223 -MIDGE: Well? -It's in the bag. 29 00:00:56,265 --> 00:00:57,600 That's fantastic. 30 00:00:57,641 --> 00:00:59,560 -It's dead. Dougie said. -What? Why? 31 00:00:59,602 --> 00:01:01,353 FRED: Margie hates Dougie. You should have gone to Kenny. 32 00:01:01,395 --> 00:01:04,356 It's your job to keep me up to date on these things, Fred. 33 00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:06,108 I don't work for you! 34 00:01:06,150 --> 00:01:07,234 ♪ Oh, you gotta... ♪ 35 00:01:07,276 --> 00:01:09,111 Shit. 36 00:01:09,153 --> 00:01:12,364 -Where's Margie? -Must've left. 37 00:01:12,406 --> 00:01:14,992 Her assistant's at table 12. She can pull the trigger. 38 00:01:15,034 --> 00:01:16,494 Good thing for you, Fred. 39 00:01:16,535 --> 00:01:18,162 I don't work for you! 40 00:01:18,204 --> 00:01:21,415 Listen. I've got a hot gal with a lot of talent for you. 41 00:01:21,457 --> 00:01:23,167 Get the hell away from my table. 42 00:01:23,209 --> 00:01:25,211 -Bitch. -(scoffs) 43 00:01:25,252 --> 00:01:27,004 The chick's a stiff. 44 00:01:27,046 --> 00:01:29,507 Wait, did I say table 12? I meant table ten. 45 00:01:29,548 --> 00:01:31,217 Hey! 46 00:01:31,258 --> 00:01:33,969 -Kenny, you get along with Margie? -I love Margie. 47 00:01:34,011 --> 00:01:35,179 -You'll vouch for my girl? -Sure thing. 48 00:01:35,221 --> 00:01:36,263 Thanks. 49 00:01:36,305 --> 00:01:39,058 Hey, sorry about the bitch thing. 50 00:01:40,851 --> 00:01:42,728 -Margie's assistant? -Who's askin'? 51 00:01:42,770 --> 00:01:44,146 Have I got a comic for the telethon. 52 00:01:44,188 --> 00:01:45,272 Kenny'll vouch for her. 53 00:01:45,314 --> 00:01:47,066 -Kenny? -Problem? 54 00:01:47,107 --> 00:01:48,818 -Cindy likes you. -Margie's girl? 55 00:01:48,859 --> 00:01:51,278 -Take her to dinner? Thanks. -Why not? 56 00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:53,614 -I got you dinner with Kenny. -Hey, neat. 57 00:01:53,656 --> 00:01:54,615 My girl's name is Maisel. 58 00:01:54,657 --> 00:01:56,033 I'll tell Margie to slot her in. 59 00:01:56,075 --> 00:01:58,244 Good deal. 60 00:01:58,285 --> 00:02:00,496 -Done. -Done? 61 00:02:00,538 --> 00:02:02,873 Done. 62 00:02:02,915 --> 00:02:05,167 -Joey Mackerel. -That's the guy's name. 63 00:02:05,209 --> 00:02:06,460 I was right about fish. 64 00:02:06,502 --> 00:02:08,087 I was thinking branzino. 65 00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:09,713 Mm. Joey Branzino's someone else. 66 00:02:09,755 --> 00:02:11,423 He's not even in the business. 67 00:02:11,465 --> 00:02:13,175 MIDGE: Why are so many guys here named after fish? 68 00:02:13,217 --> 00:02:14,426 SUSIE: Beats me. 69 00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:16,720 -There you go. -Thank you, Zelda. 70 00:02:16,762 --> 00:02:18,639 The potatoes certainly look nice and fluffy. 71 00:02:18,681 --> 00:02:21,851 I know that's how you like them, Mrs. Weissman. 72 00:02:21,892 --> 00:02:23,394 Thank you, Zelda. 73 00:02:23,435 --> 00:02:25,896 You're welcome. 74 00:02:25,938 --> 00:02:28,482 Zelda seems subtly hostile to me this week. 75 00:02:28,524 --> 00:02:30,109 How do you figure? 76 00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:31,902 The way she served the potatoes. 77 00:02:31,944 --> 00:02:34,029 Yours, she served gently; 78 00:02:34,071 --> 00:02:35,990 mine, she slopped down like we're in Attica. 79 00:02:36,031 --> 00:02:37,366 Oh, she didn't. 80 00:02:37,408 --> 00:02:38,826 Yours are still nice and fluffy. 81 00:02:38,868 --> 00:02:40,703 Mine have lost all their fluffy. 82 00:02:40,744 --> 00:02:42,454 Mine, she slopped down a little, too. 83 00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:44,331 But you got a "there you go." And so did your mother. 84 00:02:44,373 --> 00:02:45,916 I didn't get a "there you go." 85 00:02:45,958 --> 00:02:47,751 -You're imagining this, Abe. -I like a nice 86 00:02:47,793 --> 00:02:49,169 "there you go." 87 00:02:49,211 --> 00:02:52,006 Or even an enthusiastic "enjoy." 88 00:02:52,047 --> 00:02:54,300 -Start a new subject, Miriam. -Well... 89 00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:56,552 there's a telethon next week. You hear about it? 90 00:02:56,594 --> 00:02:58,762 Ugh. That Jerry Lewis thing? He's so loud. 91 00:02:58,804 --> 00:03:00,764 ROSE: And I don't like those facial distortions of his, 92 00:03:00,806 --> 00:03:02,349 and that crazy voice; it feels desperate. 93 00:03:02,391 --> 00:03:04,727 Jerry Lewis is muscular dystrophy. 94 00:03:04,768 --> 00:03:06,896 This is a telethon for arthritis and rheumatism. 95 00:03:06,937 --> 00:03:09,148 -Oh, such a good cause. -A very good cause. 96 00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:10,774 Your mother's family suffers from it, you know. 97 00:03:10,816 --> 00:03:11,817 -Great Aunt Pearl. -Poor woman 98 00:03:11,859 --> 00:03:13,152 with those gnarled hands. 99 00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:14,737 One day she picked up a Kiddush cup 100 00:03:14,778 --> 00:03:16,155 and she couldn't set it down for two years. 101 00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:17,406 ABE: We should donate. 102 00:03:17,448 --> 00:03:19,783 Those dollars are so important for research. 103 00:03:19,825 --> 00:03:22,119 Mm-hmm. How do we do that? Call the broadcast? 104 00:03:22,161 --> 00:03:24,955 Probably. There'll be phone banks and celebrity guests 105 00:03:24,997 --> 00:03:27,750 and performers, all volunteering their time. 106 00:03:27,791 --> 00:03:29,627 -Wonderful. -So selfless. 107 00:03:29,668 --> 00:03:31,295 -I'll be one of them. -One of what? 108 00:03:31,337 --> 00:03:32,671 One of the performers. 109 00:03:35,299 --> 00:03:37,176 I'll be performing on the telethon. 110 00:03:38,969 --> 00:03:40,220 Doing comedy. 111 00:03:40,262 --> 00:03:41,680 Can I use the Kiddush cup bit? 112 00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:43,140 Some of them are scams. 113 00:03:43,182 --> 00:03:44,183 -What are? -These telethons. 114 00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:45,476 They take the money 115 00:03:45,517 --> 00:03:46,810 and line their own pockets. 116 00:03:46,852 --> 00:03:49,897 -Jerry Lewis has multiple homes. -Mama, that's ridiculous. 117 00:03:49,939 --> 00:03:51,106 And those telethons look so cheap. 118 00:03:51,148 --> 00:03:53,275 The cameramen never know what to focus on. 119 00:03:53,317 --> 00:03:55,736 -Not true. -And no one's ever died from arthritis. 120 00:03:55,778 --> 00:03:57,196 Aunt Pearl lived to be 90. 121 00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:58,864 Just her head and neck worked at the end, 122 00:03:58,906 --> 00:04:00,991 but it's all she needed for a full life. 123 00:04:03,827 --> 00:04:06,413 Excuse me. 124 00:04:08,749 --> 00:04:09,917 Mind if I join you? 125 00:04:09,959 --> 00:04:10,960 Anything wrong, Miss Miriam? 126 00:04:11,001 --> 00:04:13,003 Try everything. 127 00:04:14,672 --> 00:04:16,674 Could you be a little more dramatic? 128 00:04:16,715 --> 00:04:18,217 Sure. Let me grab my toga 129 00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:20,469 and conjure up a little Coriolanus for you. 130 00:04:20,511 --> 00:04:22,262 You can't eat with the children. 131 00:04:22,304 --> 00:04:23,639 -Why not? -They're not used to it. 132 00:04:23,681 --> 00:04:25,140 You'll scare them. 133 00:04:25,182 --> 00:04:26,809 Will it scare you if I join you for dinner? 134 00:04:26,850 --> 00:04:27,977 No. 135 00:04:28,018 --> 00:04:30,187 Thank you. (blows raspberry) 136 00:04:30,229 --> 00:04:32,147 Miriam, why are you being so sensitive? 137 00:04:32,189 --> 00:04:34,358 Stupid me, I thought the telethon was a good way for you 138 00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:36,610 to see your daughter perform from the comfort of your home, 139 00:04:36,652 --> 00:04:38,070 but what do I know? 140 00:04:38,112 --> 00:04:40,572 Are you even ready to appear on television? 141 00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:42,157 There's only one way to find out. 142 00:04:42,199 --> 00:04:44,034 And your act is clean enough for television? 143 00:04:44,076 --> 00:04:45,369 The act is clean; 144 00:04:45,411 --> 00:04:47,746 however, I do it in the nude. 145 00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:49,957 That you say that in front of your son. 146 00:04:49,999 --> 00:04:51,333 You've seen me nude, right, buddy? 147 00:04:51,375 --> 00:04:52,376 Yes. 148 00:04:52,418 --> 00:04:53,836 There you go. 149 00:04:53,877 --> 00:04:54,920 (blows raspberry) 150 00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:57,506 That's really improved. 151 00:04:59,883 --> 00:05:01,760 (blows raspberry) 152 00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:03,804 No, I get it. The electrical grid is taxed, 153 00:05:03,846 --> 00:05:05,180 you're forcing brownouts, 154 00:05:05,222 --> 00:05:06,348 but can you spread them out a little? 155 00:05:06,390 --> 00:05:08,392 Every hot summer day, we get hit. 156 00:05:08,434 --> 00:05:11,270 Ten beats eight, Grandma takes. 157 00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:14,023 No, I get it, but are you browning out the Upper East Side 158 00:05:14,064 --> 00:05:16,275 on a daily basis, too? I'm guessing no. 159 00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:18,027 Six beats three. 160 00:05:18,068 --> 00:05:20,279 This is turning into a rout. 161 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:21,697 Trucks are backed up at the loading dock. 162 00:05:21,739 --> 00:05:23,699 -Are you aware of this? -I am now. 163 00:05:23,741 --> 00:05:24,867 This isn't disrespect. 164 00:05:24,908 --> 00:05:26,368 I'm just trying to keep my business running. 165 00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:28,078 -Con Ed? -Emphasis on the "Con." 166 00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:31,081 -Ace beats queen. Eat it, son. -Ma! 167 00:05:31,123 --> 00:05:32,875 That your lunch? Or yesterday's lunch? 168 00:05:32,916 --> 00:05:34,793 Can we start over? I really want to solve this. 169 00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:36,003 How 'bout I deal with the trucks. 170 00:05:36,045 --> 00:05:37,337 I'll go down in a second. 171 00:05:37,379 --> 00:05:40,299 Ha! You lose again. 172 00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:43,010 I'm whomping your ass. 173 00:05:43,052 --> 00:05:44,511 Really, Ma, playing War with him 174 00:05:44,553 --> 00:05:46,430 shouldn't be scarier than actual war. 175 00:05:46,472 --> 00:05:48,307 He has to learn about losing. 176 00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:50,517 Losing is a part of life. 177 00:05:50,559 --> 00:05:52,019 I'm dealing with the trucks. 178 00:05:52,061 --> 00:05:54,646 Then I want to talk to you later, okay? 179 00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:56,231 No, no, no. Don't put me on hold. 180 00:05:56,273 --> 00:05:58,650 -Later, we'll talk? -Yes, fine. 181 00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:00,819 Because when you put me on hold, you forget about me, 182 00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:02,571 and I got to start the whole process over again. 183 00:06:02,613 --> 00:06:04,323 Okay. You want to make this interesting? 184 00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:07,034 Ask Daddy for cash. 185 00:06:09,286 --> 00:06:12,039 (sighs) Guys, I've been over and over this, 186 00:06:12,081 --> 00:06:16,168 but I'm just not understanding why... 187 00:06:17,628 --> 00:06:19,213 Why what, Abe? 188 00:06:19,254 --> 00:06:21,298 Why we're still waiting on all our equipment. 189 00:06:21,340 --> 00:06:23,008 Must be a backlog. 190 00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:25,886 Hey, Abe, four-letter word, mountain range in Russia. 191 00:06:25,928 --> 00:06:27,930 -Ural. -Yes. 192 00:06:27,971 --> 00:06:29,681 I checked in with all the other teams. 193 00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:31,391 They're not experiencing backlogs. 194 00:06:31,433 --> 00:06:33,352 BOTH: One, two, three, four, we declare a thumb war. 195 00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:35,521 (phone rings) 196 00:06:35,562 --> 00:06:37,439 A.I. Nine, this is Devlin. 197 00:06:37,481 --> 00:06:39,191 Uh-huh. 198 00:06:39,233 --> 00:06:41,110 Got it. Yes, yes, I understand. 199 00:06:41,151 --> 00:06:43,529 Will do. Thanks. 200 00:06:43,570 --> 00:06:45,364 -What was that? -Wrong number. 201 00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:48,158 Okay. 202 00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:50,452 Carry on. 203 00:06:54,873 --> 00:06:56,875 (bell tolls in distance) 204 00:07:01,672 --> 00:07:04,299 Continuing from last lecture, 205 00:07:04,341 --> 00:07:09,429 let us consider a periodic triangular wave function. 206 00:07:09,471 --> 00:07:13,642 Now, can anyone tell me what property of this function 207 00:07:13,684 --> 00:07:18,230 we can exploit to reduce our Fourier series? Truman? 208 00:07:18,272 --> 00:07:21,108 Truman? Where is Truman? Is he late? 209 00:07:21,150 --> 00:07:23,902 And where are the others? Wasn't this class bigger? 210 00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:26,446 -It used to be. -I won't put up with tardiness. 211 00:07:26,488 --> 00:07:28,490 -I won't. -None of us were late. 212 00:07:28,532 --> 00:07:30,659 -STUDENT: Except you. -Who said that? 213 00:07:30,701 --> 00:07:33,912 Come on, who said it? 214 00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:38,167 Be man enough to come up here so I can box your ears. 215 00:07:40,043 --> 00:07:43,297 Let the record show that there are no men 216 00:07:43,338 --> 00:07:47,134 in Abraham Weissman's Advanced Differential Equations course. 217 00:07:47,176 --> 00:07:50,387 Just a sad collection of fatuous, 218 00:07:50,429 --> 00:07:54,933 imbecilic, puerile, blithering milksops. 219 00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:56,393 -And for the last time... -(slaps table) 220 00:07:56,435 --> 00:07:58,103 where is Truman? 221 00:07:58,145 --> 00:08:01,523 -He's transferred. -Transferred? Why? 222 00:08:01,565 --> 00:08:03,400 His mother said it was taking too much out of him. 223 00:08:05,068 --> 00:08:07,654 His mother... 224 00:08:07,696 --> 00:08:11,575 And why are all of you still here? Hmm? 225 00:08:11,617 --> 00:08:14,870 Lance? Abbie? 226 00:08:14,912 --> 00:08:17,414 Whoever the hell said "except you"? 227 00:08:17,456 --> 00:08:20,459 Why are you here? 228 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:23,837 I have one more math problem for all of you to solve. 229 00:08:26,048 --> 00:08:29,301 Ready? Here it is. 230 00:08:30,344 --> 00:08:32,804 "All of you..." 231 00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:36,642 plus "X" equals... 232 00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:38,477 "competence." 233 00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:40,020 Solve for "X." 234 00:08:40,062 --> 00:08:43,440 What is "X"? It's "competence." 235 00:08:43,482 --> 00:08:45,776 Because none of you have any. 236 00:08:45,817 --> 00:08:47,486 You're all incompetent. 237 00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:49,238 You'll never work in any field 238 00:08:49,279 --> 00:08:51,114 that has the word "advanced" in front of it. 239 00:08:51,156 --> 00:08:54,284 You'll simply be overqualified dishwasher repairmen. 240 00:08:54,326 --> 00:08:56,912 I keep telling you that and you keep coming back. 241 00:08:56,954 --> 00:08:58,914 Well, don't. Get out! 242 00:08:58,956 --> 00:09:00,791 -Now? -Now? Get out! 243 00:09:00,832 --> 00:09:04,670 Go. Go! 244 00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:06,713 (students murmuring) 245 00:09:06,755 --> 00:09:08,465 Get out. 246 00:09:08,507 --> 00:09:10,509 (door closes) 247 00:09:13,762 --> 00:09:16,431 Waste of a good triangular wave. 248 00:09:16,473 --> 00:09:18,058 (laughter) 249 00:09:18,100 --> 00:09:19,559 How about this? I met one potential date, 250 00:09:19,601 --> 00:09:21,436 and he was perfect husband material. 251 00:09:21,478 --> 00:09:23,188 I knew he was 'cause that's what his wife told me. 252 00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:24,648 (laughter) 253 00:09:24,690 --> 00:09:26,066 Yes? No? 254 00:09:26,108 --> 00:09:27,901 Kind of an in-betweener. Reject. 255 00:09:27,943 --> 00:09:29,194 MAN: I'll marry you! 256 00:09:29,236 --> 00:09:31,738 Who's that? Cousin Shmuly? 257 00:09:31,780 --> 00:09:33,740 Come on, man, we've talked about this. 258 00:09:33,782 --> 00:09:37,828 My manager's already heard from WNPO's Broadcast Standards. 259 00:09:37,869 --> 00:09:40,414 That's the TV station's department of "Don't Be Funny." 260 00:09:40,455 --> 00:09:45,252 They told us nothing political, or controversial, or profane. 261 00:09:45,294 --> 00:09:47,629 I've got this whole thing about my parents' sex life, 262 00:09:47,671 --> 00:09:49,548 that's probably not appropriate. Good-bye. 263 00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:51,133 Let me try this, this should work: 264 00:09:51,174 --> 00:09:54,094 -Does the Pope get hard-ons? -(laughter) 265 00:09:54,136 --> 00:09:55,721 I mean, it would explain the whole obsession 266 00:09:55,762 --> 00:09:58,307 with resurrection. 267 00:09:58,348 --> 00:09:59,891 My people. 268 00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:03,312 -All right. -(laughter and applause) 269 00:10:03,353 --> 00:10:06,064 -Could you all come with me to the telethon? -So... Dr. Benjamin. 270 00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:07,482 -MIDGE: Dick Shawn's gonna be on before me. -Yup. 271 00:10:07,524 --> 00:10:09,192 You know, she told me you were tall, 272 00:10:09,234 --> 00:10:11,778 but she didn't tell me you were "fun house mirror" tall. 273 00:10:11,820 --> 00:10:13,822 Height runs in my family. 274 00:10:13,864 --> 00:10:16,199 Family of freaks. Yup. 275 00:10:16,241 --> 00:10:17,576 (mimics carnival barker): Step right up 276 00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:18,994 and see the carnival freaks. 277 00:10:19,036 --> 00:10:20,579 Guess so. 278 00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,956 You ever rehearse an argument you plan on having 279 00:10:22,998 --> 00:10:25,208 with someone in your head, and during the rehearsal 280 00:10:25,250 --> 00:10:27,336 you're perfectly reasonable and they're a jerk? 281 00:10:27,377 --> 00:10:29,463 And then the argument actually happens and they're reasonable 282 00:10:29,504 --> 00:10:31,923 but that's not how you rehearsed it, so you become the jerk? 283 00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:33,258 (laughter) 284 00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:35,552 -No, no. -What? 285 00:10:35,594 --> 00:10:37,220 -Don't laugh. -Why not? 286 00:10:37,262 --> 00:10:38,597 Wasn't funny. Nope. 287 00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:39,848 I call a joke like that a 50-percenter. 288 00:10:39,890 --> 00:10:41,308 It's 50% there. 289 00:10:41,350 --> 00:10:42,976 You get laughs from people who are drunk 290 00:10:43,018 --> 00:10:44,770 or super easy to please, but that's not good enough. 291 00:10:44,811 --> 00:10:46,355 Not good enough for me, not good enough for her. 292 00:10:46,396 --> 00:10:47,397 Nope, nope, nope. 293 00:10:47,439 --> 00:10:50,275 Seemed funny to me. And everyone around me. 294 00:10:50,317 --> 00:10:52,194 Well, it wasn't. Okay? It wasn't. 295 00:10:52,235 --> 00:10:54,654 MIDGE: ...for the first time behind Midge Maisel. 296 00:10:54,696 --> 00:10:56,990 Well, you are the worst audience I could have auditioned 297 00:10:57,032 --> 00:10:59,117 my TV-friendly material to, 298 00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:01,995 which is why I love you. Thanks, guys. 299 00:11:02,037 --> 00:11:06,708 Watch the telethon and even give some money to it, ya schnorrers. 300 00:11:06,750 --> 00:11:08,752 -(cheers and applause) -Whoo! 301 00:11:13,048 --> 00:11:15,050 SUSIE: That's become a thing now, too. 302 00:11:15,092 --> 00:11:17,386 Can't get between her and her public now, you know? 303 00:11:17,427 --> 00:11:19,971 They will break every over-elongated bone 304 00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:22,265 -in your body. -She's a star in the making. 305 00:11:22,307 --> 00:11:24,726 Yeah, I know that. I'm telling you that. 306 00:11:24,768 --> 00:11:26,937 So what did you think? 307 00:11:26,978 --> 00:11:28,480 I think we're gonna need a few more sessions. 308 00:11:28,522 --> 00:11:30,023 Work out some of those kinks. 309 00:11:30,065 --> 00:11:31,650 I was asking Benjamin. 310 00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:33,360 Oh, sure, yeah. 311 00:11:33,402 --> 00:11:35,529 I think you were sensational. 312 00:11:35,570 --> 00:11:37,864 Gee, thanks. 313 00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:40,575 So kiss her. 314 00:11:40,617 --> 00:11:41,993 -Susie. -That's okay. 315 00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:43,662 No, kiss her. Go ahead, it's fine. 316 00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:46,248 -We're adults here, right? -(Midge clears throat) 317 00:11:46,289 --> 00:11:48,875 Lay one on her, man. Bend down and kiss her. 318 00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:55,799 Pretty skimpy there. Give her a big smacker, man. 319 00:11:55,841 --> 00:11:57,259 There you go. 320 00:11:59,136 --> 00:12:02,013 You were getting a Pope hard-on yourself, huh? 321 00:12:02,055 --> 00:12:05,058 Yeah. 322 00:12:05,100 --> 00:12:07,144 I'll call you about work sessions. 323 00:12:07,185 --> 00:12:09,396 Sure. 324 00:12:09,438 --> 00:12:11,273 That's your manager? 325 00:12:11,314 --> 00:12:13,233 -You get used to her. -Really? 326 00:12:13,275 --> 00:12:15,485 -Mm. -So where do you want to go? 327 00:12:15,527 --> 00:12:17,737 -Let's go to your place. -Every night. 328 00:12:17,779 --> 00:12:19,322 Okay, one more time, 329 00:12:19,364 --> 00:12:20,866 you're supposed to ask for dinner first. 330 00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:22,534 Can we have dinner at your place? 331 00:12:22,576 --> 00:12:23,994 -Sure. -And can we skip dinner? 332 00:12:24,035 --> 00:12:25,912 -You're exhausting. -(laughs) 333 00:12:25,954 --> 00:12:27,956 ♪ ♪ 334 00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:31,084 (singers vocalizing) 335 00:12:35,505 --> 00:12:38,091 Wow. So this is really happening? 336 00:12:38,133 --> 00:12:40,218 -This is really happening. -Talent? 337 00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:42,262 -You bet. -You bring your sheet music? 338 00:12:42,304 --> 00:12:44,264 -She's not a singer. Mrs. Maisel? -I'm a comedian. 339 00:12:44,306 --> 00:12:46,766 You're down for five minutes at 2150. 340 00:12:46,808 --> 00:12:48,768 -At what? -We do military time. 2150 is 9:50 at night. 341 00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:50,353 If you get confused, just add the number 12 342 00:12:50,395 --> 00:12:52,397 -to whatever time it is. -Add what to what? 343 00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:54,733 -MAN (over mic): Next. -Follow me? -Sure. 344 00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:56,610 -I'm Sal. -Nice to meet you. 345 00:12:56,651 --> 00:12:58,153 This is Mrs. Maisel, comedian. 346 00:12:58,195 --> 00:13:00,238 She does five minutes at 2150, solo act. 347 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:01,656 -Any props? -Nope. 348 00:13:01,698 --> 00:13:03,033 -Stand on the "X." -Okay. 349 00:13:03,074 --> 00:13:04,576 -Mic check. -One, two. 350 00:13:04,618 --> 00:13:06,119 -MAN: Next. -Thank you. -(bell rings) 351 00:13:06,161 --> 00:13:07,871 Oh, uh... okay. 352 00:13:07,913 --> 00:13:09,956 Wait. We dragged ourselves down here at 8:00 in the morning, 353 00:13:09,998 --> 00:13:11,416 -and that's it? -That's it. 354 00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:12,876 -I showered. -Thank you for showering. 355 00:13:12,918 --> 00:13:14,669 We'll see you tomorrow, 1600 hours. 356 00:13:14,711 --> 00:13:16,087 When's that? Wait, Sal. 357 00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:17,923 Things move fast in the television business. 358 00:13:17,964 --> 00:13:20,091 -Ah, there it is. -What? 359 00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:22,093 The control room. Guys down at the deli told me 360 00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:23,762 they're the people you want to make friends with. 361 00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:26,139 They control things. Come on. 362 00:13:26,181 --> 00:13:27,557 -How long is this guy's act? -WOMAN: Five minutes. 363 00:13:27,599 --> 00:13:28,975 Does he say anything or just juggle? 364 00:13:29,017 --> 00:13:30,644 He just juggles, Dickie. 365 00:13:30,685 --> 00:13:32,646 I got to know how high he's gonna throw those clubs. 366 00:13:32,687 --> 00:13:33,772 Let's see how high he throws the clubs, Sal. 367 00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:35,190 -Hi, guys! -Hey, what the hell. 368 00:13:35,232 --> 00:13:37,025 -Who the hell is this? -What are you doing in here? 369 00:13:37,067 --> 00:13:40,529 -I'm Susie Myerson, manager to this budding young star. -Hi. 370 00:13:40,570 --> 00:13:42,113 -Will you get her out? -He can't throw 'em that high, Sal. 371 00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:43,532 You'll take good care of her, boys? 372 00:13:43,573 --> 00:13:44,783 -Go! Go! -Get the fuck out of here! 373 00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:46,076 Carry on. 374 00:13:46,117 --> 00:13:47,452 God, I hate jugglers. 375 00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:49,454 That was a really good start 376 00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:52,499 on building a rapport with a key group of guys. 377 00:13:52,541 --> 00:13:54,584 -Oh, my God. -What? 378 00:13:54,626 --> 00:13:56,044 -MIDGE: Look who's here. -Who is that? 379 00:13:56,086 --> 00:13:57,504 -MIDGE: Shy Baldwin. -MAN: Next! 380 00:13:57,546 --> 00:14:00,215 The singer? He's had, like, a hundred hits in the last year. 381 00:14:00,257 --> 00:14:02,551 That's Shy Baldwin? For some reason, I thought he was fat. 382 00:14:02,592 --> 00:14:05,679 -MIDGE: Why? -He sounded fat. 383 00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:08,139 So there's gonna be some big stars on this thing. 384 00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:10,225 Guess so. (whistles) I'm getting nervous. 385 00:14:10,267 --> 00:14:11,977 Don't say that. 386 00:14:12,018 --> 00:14:13,770 Just being honest. I'm getting nervous. 387 00:14:13,812 --> 00:14:15,647 But when you get nervous, I get nervous. 388 00:14:15,689 --> 00:14:17,315 Don't be a copycat. Be your own person. 389 00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:19,776 I'm not a copycat. It's just, you make me nervous. 390 00:14:19,818 --> 00:14:22,279 -Well, then don't follow me. -We came in the same car. 391 00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:24,614 Then take the subway if I freak you out so much. 392 00:14:26,658 --> 00:14:28,076 How's your health, Abe? 393 00:14:28,118 --> 00:14:30,954 It's tip-top, Simon. Tip-top. 394 00:14:30,996 --> 00:14:33,832 And Rose? And the kids? Is everyone well? 395 00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:35,625 Just fine. Why? 396 00:14:35,667 --> 00:14:37,502 Because, Abe, you seem 397 00:14:37,544 --> 00:14:39,796 -to be teetering on the edge. -That's one man's opinion. 398 00:14:39,838 --> 00:14:41,715 It's actually a lot of people's opinion. 399 00:14:41,756 --> 00:14:43,967 Who? What people? 400 00:14:44,009 --> 00:14:45,677 Your colleagues, your students, 401 00:14:45,719 --> 00:14:48,638 the administrative staff, the trustees, 402 00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:50,140 the university senate, 403 00:14:50,181 --> 00:14:52,017 the cleaning crew, the school doctor, 404 00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:53,768 the school nurse, the parking attendants... 405 00:14:53,810 --> 00:14:55,520 I don't need the entire list, Simon. 406 00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:58,273 There are simply a lot of people disturbed by your behavior. 407 00:14:58,315 --> 00:15:01,026 Disturbed? That's a strong word, Simon. 408 00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:03,069 Now please, cut to the chase here. 409 00:15:03,111 --> 00:15:05,572 All right. 410 00:15:05,614 --> 00:15:07,365 Now you eat the cheese? 411 00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:09,409 We've been sitting here for ten minutes, and suddenly... 412 00:15:09,451 --> 00:15:10,952 You should consider a sabbatical. 413 00:15:10,994 --> 00:15:12,370 I have one planned in two years. 414 00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:14,164 Why don't you move it up? 415 00:15:14,205 --> 00:15:16,541 -My colleagues would complain. -It was their suggestion. 416 00:15:16,583 --> 00:15:19,044 And why would they suggest such a thing? 417 00:15:19,085 --> 00:15:21,630 Because the parking attendants told them to? 418 00:15:21,671 --> 00:15:23,923 Are you not listening? They're sick of you, Abe. 419 00:15:23,965 --> 00:15:26,760 You asked me to cut to the chase. I'm cutting to the chase. 420 00:15:26,801 --> 00:15:28,720 We're all pretty goddamn sick of you, 421 00:15:28,762 --> 00:15:31,139 pardon my language. 422 00:15:40,774 --> 00:15:42,567 -Loud. -Look, 423 00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:44,569 you're a brilliant mathematician, 424 00:15:44,611 --> 00:15:47,697 but an uncooperative colleague and a very poor teacher. 425 00:15:47,739 --> 00:15:49,824 -With tenure. -What about it? 426 00:15:49,866 --> 00:15:51,993 -You can't fire me. -I don't intend to. 427 00:15:54,788 --> 00:15:56,748 (laughs) 428 00:15:56,790 --> 00:15:59,584 What could possibly be funny about this, Abe? 429 00:15:59,626 --> 00:16:02,087 I was just thinking about the irony of tenure. 430 00:16:02,128 --> 00:16:04,756 -What irony? -Well, for instance, 431 00:16:04,798 --> 00:16:08,343 the fact that I could take this cheese knife 432 00:16:08,385 --> 00:16:10,553 and stick it in your eye, 433 00:16:10,595 --> 00:16:13,306 and the university would still have to pay me. 434 00:16:13,348 --> 00:16:15,642 I'd be in jail, but I'd still be paid. 435 00:16:15,684 --> 00:16:18,436 Are you seriously thinking of doing that? 436 00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:21,523 No. 437 00:16:21,564 --> 00:16:23,274 You hesitated. 438 00:16:24,526 --> 00:16:26,903 Yes. 439 00:16:26,945 --> 00:16:28,905 I did. 440 00:16:28,947 --> 00:16:31,491 ROSE: Good-bye, Simon. We'll see you soon. 441 00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:36,037 He's done this before-- 442 00:16:36,079 --> 00:16:38,123 this "take a sabbatical" song and dance. 443 00:16:38,164 --> 00:16:39,958 It's different this time. 444 00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:42,252 And then you say that. I will fix it. 445 00:16:42,293 --> 00:16:44,421 -I threatened to stab him. -With a cheese knife. 446 00:16:44,462 --> 00:16:47,465 -It barely cuts cheese. -Truman didn't even say good-bye. 447 00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:49,676 Simon's wife loves that Belgian jelly. 448 00:16:49,718 --> 00:16:52,053 I'll have it shipped. I'll give it to her, 449 00:16:52,095 --> 00:16:53,638 sweet-talk her, she'll sweet-talk him, 450 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:56,975 jelly will be eaten, all will be well, mm-hmm. 451 00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:59,018 Belgian jelly. 452 00:17:04,649 --> 00:17:06,025 (children chattering) 453 00:17:06,067 --> 00:17:08,737 Ethan, five-minute warning, kiddo! 454 00:17:08,778 --> 00:17:10,488 Every time he plays tag, he's "it." 455 00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:12,157 Then he won't chase people to tag them back, 456 00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:13,616 because he likes being "it." 457 00:17:13,658 --> 00:17:15,452 -It's all kind of pointless. -BENJAMIN: Hi. 458 00:17:15,493 --> 00:17:18,371 -Benjamin. -Sorry. I didn't mean to... 459 00:17:18,413 --> 00:17:19,998 It's okay. Hi. Hi. 460 00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:22,333 -Hi. -Hi. What are you doing here? 461 00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:25,003 I called, and your mother said you were down here. 462 00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:26,588 Can I sit? 463 00:17:26,629 --> 00:17:28,214 The bench is free to all, 464 00:17:28,256 --> 00:17:29,883 courtesy of the Parks Department. 465 00:17:29,924 --> 00:17:31,509 CHILD: You're it! 466 00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:33,303 So... which one's yours? 467 00:17:33,344 --> 00:17:35,346 Oh, gosh, any one of 'em could be. 468 00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:37,098 I've had a lot of medical training, 469 00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:39,309 and I don't think that's right. 470 00:17:39,350 --> 00:17:40,727 I'm "it," Mommy. 471 00:17:40,769 --> 00:17:42,687 I'm assuming that's the one. 472 00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:44,981 "Mommy" is a very common moniker down here. 473 00:17:45,023 --> 00:17:46,524 Swing a dead cat. 474 00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,443 This young lady next to me is "Mommy," as well. 475 00:17:48,485 --> 00:17:49,861 Hi, Mommy. 476 00:17:49,903 --> 00:17:52,030 Kids can't tell. Too short. 477 00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:53,573 Anyone with a skirt here is "Mommy," 478 00:17:53,615 --> 00:17:55,033 and anyone tall, wearing pants 479 00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:56,326 and looking worried about money is "Daddy." 480 00:17:56,367 --> 00:17:58,453 CHILD: Well, come on, tag me! 481 00:17:58,495 --> 00:18:00,622 -Are you okay? -I'm fine. 482 00:18:00,663 --> 00:18:02,582 Is it that you don't want me to meet Ethan? 483 00:18:02,624 --> 00:18:04,125 He's kind of a jerk. 484 00:18:04,167 --> 00:18:06,753 Just eats and sleeps and has no job. 485 00:18:06,795 --> 00:18:08,630 -CHILD: You're it! -(dog barking) 486 00:18:08,671 --> 00:18:10,548 Benjamin, I'm sorry. 487 00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:13,510 This was just... unexpected. 488 00:18:13,551 --> 00:18:14,844 The skin you jumped out of when you saw me 489 00:18:14,886 --> 00:18:16,137 landed somewhere in Jersey. 490 00:18:16,179 --> 00:18:17,597 I just haven't talked to their dad 491 00:18:17,639 --> 00:18:19,140 about you meeting the kids. 492 00:18:19,182 --> 00:18:21,851 It would be an issue. Do you understand? 493 00:18:21,893 --> 00:18:23,978 I do. I don't date many mothers. 494 00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:26,231 This is new for me, too. 495 00:18:26,272 --> 00:18:28,775 CHILD: You're it! You've got to run! 496 00:18:28,817 --> 00:18:31,611 Let me ask you this. If we were to, say, get engaged... 497 00:18:31,653 --> 00:18:33,822 -Engaged? -Engaged. 498 00:18:33,863 --> 00:18:36,741 You'd let me meet the kids then, right? 499 00:18:38,493 --> 00:18:41,204 "Yes" would be the answer. 500 00:18:41,246 --> 00:18:43,706 Yes. 501 00:18:43,748 --> 00:18:45,750 Okay. 502 00:18:47,502 --> 00:18:50,129 So he's yours-- the one not chasing anybody? 503 00:18:50,171 --> 00:18:52,090 It's complicated. 504 00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:54,759 CHILD: You can just sit here. You can just tag us. 505 00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:56,427 MIDGE: Mama, we're back! 506 00:18:56,469 --> 00:18:57,929 Don't run, Ethan. 507 00:18:57,971 --> 00:18:59,430 He needs a bath. 508 00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:01,266 Zelda will draw it for him. 509 00:19:01,307 --> 00:19:04,269 Mama, Benjamin came down and surprised me at the park. 510 00:19:04,310 --> 00:19:06,145 Oh, how nice. 511 00:19:06,187 --> 00:19:08,273 No, not nice. It was awkward. 512 00:19:08,314 --> 00:19:10,358 I wasn't in the right frame of mind to see him. 513 00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:12,610 What frame of mind do you need to be in? 514 00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:15,029 I'm just saying, when Benjamin calls, just take a message. 515 00:19:15,071 --> 00:19:16,656 Don't give him my longitude and latitude. 516 00:19:16,698 --> 00:19:18,992 I just said you were in the park with Ethan. 517 00:19:19,033 --> 00:19:20,827 And if he called and I was in the bathroom, 518 00:19:20,869 --> 00:19:22,954 would you have him come over and walk in on me sitting on the...? 519 00:19:22,996 --> 00:19:25,248 -Miriam! Of course not. -It's the same thing. 520 00:19:25,290 --> 00:19:27,166 Bathrooms and parks are not the same. 521 00:19:27,208 --> 00:19:28,877 Tell that to a dog. 522 00:19:28,918 --> 00:19:31,129 Is all this from your comedy routine? 523 00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:33,423 It is now. 524 00:19:34,465 --> 00:19:36,217 (train whistle blows) 525 00:19:36,259 --> 00:19:38,386 Burning the midnight oil. 526 00:19:38,428 --> 00:19:39,971 It's only 11:45. 527 00:19:40,013 --> 00:19:41,639 Take a break. 528 00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:44,350 -I'm close to done. -Take a break. 529 00:19:44,392 --> 00:19:46,895 Hey, I'm your boss. 530 00:19:46,936 --> 00:19:49,147 Technically, I'm your boss. 531 00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:51,107 We're partnering right now, 532 00:19:51,149 --> 00:19:53,026 but it's still 55, 45. 533 00:19:53,067 --> 00:19:55,570 -Just take a goddamn break. -Fine. 534 00:19:55,612 --> 00:19:57,572 You know that stupid building manager 535 00:19:57,614 --> 00:20:00,033 you made me hire when we bought this place? 536 00:20:00,074 --> 00:20:03,536 The guy just rented out the bottom floor to a grocery chain. 537 00:20:03,578 --> 00:20:06,164 We're getting triple the rent I thought we'd get, 538 00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:07,957 plus a cut of sales. 539 00:20:07,999 --> 00:20:10,293 -Guy knows the market. -Just think of that. 540 00:20:10,335 --> 00:20:12,545 They sell a carrot, and we get a check. 541 00:20:12,587 --> 00:20:15,757 I never would have known to ask for that-- a cut of sales. 542 00:20:15,798 --> 00:20:17,383 A building manager knows. 543 00:20:17,425 --> 00:20:19,761 My son did, too. 544 00:20:24,057 --> 00:20:26,309 (clears throat) 545 00:20:26,351 --> 00:20:28,770 That's it? That's the big talk? 546 00:20:28,811 --> 00:20:31,856 Ah. You remember your bar mitzvah? 547 00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:33,733 The big hall, the three rabbis. 548 00:20:33,775 --> 00:20:36,152 Chopped liver shaped like Michelangelo's David? 549 00:20:36,194 --> 00:20:37,695 You went all out. 550 00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:40,073 200 people, it added up. 551 00:20:40,114 --> 00:20:43,201 And they all brought cash as a gift for you. 552 00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:46,496 -Tradition says. -And I took it all to pay for the hall. 553 00:20:46,537 --> 00:20:48,581 -You probably don't remember this. -I was sitting 554 00:20:48,623 --> 00:20:50,875 next to you when you rifled through the envelopes, Pop. 555 00:20:50,917 --> 00:20:52,919 -I gave you a cut. -You gave me a dollar. 556 00:20:52,961 --> 00:20:55,838 -It was a fucking expensive hall. -It was a great hall. 557 00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:57,340 I kissed my first girl in that hall. 558 00:20:57,382 --> 00:20:59,175 -No. Who? -Letty Zuckerberg. 559 00:20:59,217 --> 00:21:00,760 -With the braces? -That's why my mouth was bleeding. 560 00:21:00,802 --> 00:21:02,887 I thought you got into a fight. 561 00:21:02,929 --> 00:21:06,099 Why are you bringing all this up, Pop? Feeling nostalgic? 562 00:21:06,140 --> 00:21:08,434 I want to give you that money back. 563 00:21:08,476 --> 00:21:10,895 My bar mitzvah money? I've forgotten about it. 564 00:21:10,937 --> 00:21:12,730 It's more than that. 565 00:21:12,772 --> 00:21:15,191 There was money for your high school graduation, too. 566 00:21:15,233 --> 00:21:16,901 You never saw that. 567 00:21:16,943 --> 00:21:19,737 Your college fund-- that paid for the new steam iron. 568 00:21:19,779 --> 00:21:21,656 -Pop... -There was money for your wedding. 569 00:21:21,698 --> 00:21:23,825 Your grandmother left you some money. You never knew that. 570 00:21:23,866 --> 00:21:25,660 There was a coin collection from your uncle. 571 00:21:25,702 --> 00:21:27,620 I sold the coins and kept the money. 572 00:21:27,662 --> 00:21:29,664 Water under the bridge. 573 00:21:29,706 --> 00:21:31,916 I'm working here, you're paying me well. 574 00:21:31,958 --> 00:21:34,335 -I'm letting you go. -What? 575 00:21:34,377 --> 00:21:36,129 I don't want you here. 576 00:21:36,170 --> 00:21:39,632 Why? Why are you doing this? Why now? 577 00:21:39,674 --> 00:21:41,801 So you don't get stuck. 578 00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:48,099 What's this? 579 00:21:48,141 --> 00:21:50,977 Something to soften the blow. 580 00:21:52,020 --> 00:21:53,938 60 grand? 581 00:21:53,980 --> 00:21:56,357 -Yeah. -Pop, this is a fortune. 582 00:21:56,399 --> 00:21:58,776 -It's-it's a house, it's... -What I owe you. 583 00:21:58,818 --> 00:22:01,029 Plus interest. Plus guilt. Plus more guilt. 584 00:22:01,070 --> 00:22:04,115 -Lots of compounded guilt. -Where'd you get it? 585 00:22:04,157 --> 00:22:06,868 (scoffs) Your mother's not the only one that hid money. 586 00:22:06,909 --> 00:22:09,662 I don't think all that guilt adds up to 60 grand. 587 00:22:09,704 --> 00:22:12,206 It does, and now you're free to do something 588 00:22:12,248 --> 00:22:14,417 that you want to do-- travel, 589 00:22:14,459 --> 00:22:17,170 go to graduate school, become a beatnik. I don't care. 590 00:22:17,211 --> 00:22:19,130 I'm doing okay here. 591 00:22:19,172 --> 00:22:20,882 A little tired, but I'm... 592 00:22:20,923 --> 00:22:22,967 Not where you should be. 593 00:22:27,930 --> 00:22:30,308 Take your time, 594 00:22:30,349 --> 00:22:32,351 but get the hell out. 595 00:22:40,985 --> 00:22:43,112 -(lively crowd chatter) -(upbeat music playing) 596 00:22:48,201 --> 00:22:52,413 And we're live in five, four, three, two... 597 00:22:52,455 --> 00:22:55,333 Hello, and welcome, ladies and gentlemen, 598 00:22:55,374 --> 00:22:57,502 to the Third Annual Stop Arthritis 599 00:22:57,543 --> 00:23:00,004 and Rheumatism Telethon, broadcasting live 600 00:23:00,046 --> 00:23:02,381 from New York City. As you can see, 601 00:23:02,423 --> 00:23:04,592 volunteers are ready to take your pledges. 602 00:23:04,634 --> 00:23:07,095 That's the phone number flashing on the bottom of your screen. 603 00:23:07,136 --> 00:23:10,890 Call any time in the next eight hours to start changing lives. 604 00:23:10,932 --> 00:23:14,560 Stay tuned for an amazing variety of top-notch performers, 605 00:23:14,602 --> 00:23:17,605 but right now, let's get things off to an energetic start 606 00:23:17,647 --> 00:23:19,524 with The Phil Donnelly Dancers, 607 00:23:19,565 --> 00:23:22,819 demonstrating the latest dance craze-- The Bop! 608 00:23:22,860 --> 00:23:25,780 (intro to "Pink Shoelaces" by The Chordettes plays) 609 00:23:28,491 --> 00:23:31,994 ♪ Now I've got a guy and his name is Dooley ♪ 610 00:23:32,036 --> 00:23:34,997 ♪ He's my guy and I love him truly ♪ 611 00:23:35,039 --> 00:23:37,250 ♪ He's not good lookin', heaven knows ♪ 612 00:23:37,291 --> 00:23:40,294 ♪ But I'm wild about his crazy clothes ♪ 613 00:23:40,336 --> 00:23:43,047 ♪ He wears tan shoes with pink shoelaces ♪ 614 00:23:43,089 --> 00:23:45,049 ♪ A polka dot vest and... ♪ 615 00:23:45,091 --> 00:23:47,385 So he said you add 12 to get the right time. 616 00:23:47,426 --> 00:23:49,387 It's 4:00 in the afternoon now. Add 12. 617 00:23:49,428 --> 00:23:51,889 That means you're going on at 4:00 in the fucking morning? 618 00:23:51,931 --> 00:23:54,183 No, that's not right. I'm on at 2150. 619 00:23:54,225 --> 00:23:58,813 Right. Add 12, which means you're on at... 3350? 620 00:23:58,855 --> 00:24:01,274 That can't be right, either. He meant subtract 12. 621 00:24:01,315 --> 00:24:03,401 It's 4:00 now. If you subtract 12, 622 00:24:03,442 --> 00:24:06,821 that means I go on at... minus 8:00. 623 00:24:06,863 --> 00:24:08,573 That doesn't make sense, either. 624 00:24:08,614 --> 00:24:10,616 What the fuck's wrong with just saying the time? 625 00:24:10,658 --> 00:24:13,202 ♪ Pink shoelaces, a polka dot vest and man, oh, man... ♪ 626 00:24:13,244 --> 00:24:14,954 Come on. Let's check in with the gang. 627 00:24:14,996 --> 00:24:16,581 -Mm. -♪ He wears tan shoes ♪ 628 00:24:16,622 --> 00:24:18,249 ♪ With pink shoelaces ♪ 629 00:24:18,291 --> 00:24:20,334 ♪ And a big Panama with a purple hat band... ♪ 630 00:24:20,376 --> 00:24:22,503 DICKIE: Oy. Get "B" to stop moving, Hank. 631 00:24:22,545 --> 00:24:24,130 Hold that shot, "B." Stay right where you are. 632 00:24:24,172 --> 00:24:25,214 Tell "A" to dolly back. 633 00:24:25,256 --> 00:24:26,465 He's about to lose the two on the left. 634 00:24:26,507 --> 00:24:28,467 Charlie, dolly back a smidge. You're losing the group. 635 00:24:28,509 --> 00:24:30,928 -Hi, guys. -You can't be in here! -(overlapping chatter) 636 00:24:30,970 --> 00:24:32,263 So you may be wondering which side is my girl's good side. 637 00:24:32,305 --> 00:24:33,389 Well, I'm here to tell you, there's no bad side. 638 00:24:33,431 --> 00:24:34,724 DICKIE: Why is "A" still moving? 639 00:24:34,765 --> 00:24:36,517 -Pick an angle. -And get them the fuck out of here! 640 00:24:36,559 --> 00:24:39,061 So, she's on around 10:00 to 33 o'clock. 641 00:24:39,103 --> 00:24:40,938 Some shit like that. We'll check back in later. 642 00:24:40,980 --> 00:24:43,608 -Do not come back here! -Ridiculous! 643 00:24:43,649 --> 00:24:44,984 Dolly back. Dolly back. 644 00:24:45,026 --> 00:24:47,361 ♪ Tan shoes with pink shoelaces ♪ 645 00:24:47,403 --> 00:24:50,990 ♪ And a big Panama with a purple hat band ♪ 646 00:24:51,032 --> 00:24:53,826 ♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh... ♪ 647 00:24:53,868 --> 00:24:56,329 I'm gonna talk to the booker again, 648 00:24:56,370 --> 00:24:58,998 -make sure nothing's changed. -I'll be here. 649 00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:03,878 ♪ And a big Panama with a purple hat band. ♪ 650 00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:05,671 (applause) 651 00:25:05,713 --> 00:25:07,590 The Phil Donnelly Dancers! 652 00:25:07,632 --> 00:25:09,258 Thank you, gang. 653 00:25:09,300 --> 00:25:10,927 Looks like phone calls are already coming in 654 00:25:10,968 --> 00:25:12,386 from our generous viewers. 655 00:25:12,428 --> 00:25:15,139 Let's check in with one of our volunteers. 656 00:25:15,181 --> 00:25:17,516 Lulu, tell us about the call. 657 00:25:17,558 --> 00:25:19,936 Yes, Mason. I just got off the phone 658 00:25:19,977 --> 00:25:22,438 with Ronny Johanssen from Jackson Heights. 659 00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:25,608 He and his wife Betty are donating two dollars. 660 00:25:25,650 --> 00:25:26,817 Two dollars! 661 00:25:26,859 --> 00:25:28,402 Thank you, Ronny and Betty. 662 00:25:28,444 --> 00:25:30,112 Your money will go far. 663 00:25:30,154 --> 00:25:31,989 -Folks, let me take some time... -We gotta talk. 664 00:25:32,031 --> 00:25:33,824 -...right now to discuss with you... -Ow. Watch it. 665 00:25:33,866 --> 00:25:36,202 ...a true scourge on our nation's health. 666 00:25:36,244 --> 00:25:38,621 HANK: We'll have "B" and "C" at stage one for the singer. 667 00:25:38,663 --> 00:25:41,249 -Is he wearing mascara? -Gets lonely out on the range. 668 00:25:41,290 --> 00:25:43,084 -They're back, guys! -Get out of here! 669 00:25:43,125 --> 00:25:44,502 You're not gonna believe this. 670 00:25:44,543 --> 00:25:46,295 -What is your problem?! -Damn it, do something! -Get out! 671 00:25:46,337 --> 00:25:48,130 -Believe what? -Get out! -Who didn't lock the door?! 672 00:25:48,172 --> 00:25:49,882 -Oh, my God. -It's too loud in here. Come on. 673 00:25:49,924 --> 00:25:52,218 -Yes! Go! Go! -Get the hell out! -Get the fuck out of here! 674 00:25:52,260 --> 00:25:53,761 MASON: ...of the joints, it becomes difficult 675 00:25:53,803 --> 00:25:55,221 to perform everyday tasks. 676 00:25:55,263 --> 00:25:57,473 Many are unable to climb the stairs... 677 00:25:57,515 --> 00:25:59,225 Susie, what is going on? 678 00:25:59,267 --> 00:26:00,810 Sophie Lennon is here. 679 00:26:00,851 --> 00:26:02,687 -What? -Sophie fuckin' Lennon. 680 00:26:02,728 --> 00:26:04,480 She was heading into some dressing room. 681 00:26:04,522 --> 00:26:06,274 -Did she see you? -She didn't see me. 682 00:26:06,315 --> 00:26:08,192 Why would she perform on this thing? 683 00:26:08,234 --> 00:26:10,778 Apparently, she's the national spokes-asshole for arthritis. 684 00:26:10,820 --> 00:26:13,614 -And you didn't know that? -How am I supposed to know that? 685 00:26:13,656 --> 00:26:15,032 I don't know, you're my manager. 686 00:26:15,074 --> 00:26:16,534 You're supposed to know these things. 687 00:26:16,575 --> 00:26:18,286 Fred should have told me-- it's his job 688 00:26:18,327 --> 00:26:20,288 -to tell me these things. -He doesn't work for you. 689 00:26:20,329 --> 00:26:21,706 This is unbelievable. 690 00:26:21,747 --> 00:26:23,833 What do we do? Back out? 691 00:26:23,874 --> 00:26:26,043 We're in too deep. We'll look like flakes. 692 00:26:26,085 --> 00:26:28,546 Well, she'll probably hole up in some dressing room 693 00:26:28,587 --> 00:26:30,256 till it's time for her to go on. 694 00:26:30,298 --> 00:26:32,133 There are a million acts. Let's just lie low, 695 00:26:32,174 --> 00:26:34,218 and she'll never know we were a part of this. 696 00:26:34,260 --> 00:26:35,553 We were just getting over this. 697 00:26:35,594 --> 00:26:37,847 Kept 'em warm for ya. 698 00:26:37,888 --> 00:26:40,016 MASON: Trudy's a former high school gymnast... 699 00:26:40,057 --> 00:26:42,643 -He's part of the broadcast? -I don't know. 700 00:26:42,685 --> 00:26:44,645 It's New York. Could be a gay hooker. 701 00:26:44,687 --> 00:26:46,647 MASON: ...and basic gymnastic skills. 702 00:26:46,689 --> 00:26:49,317 I'll admit that I choked up a little when I saw... 703 00:26:57,450 --> 00:26:59,535 So, here I am. 704 00:26:59,577 --> 00:27:01,662 Hi, Pop. This okay? We could grab a table. 705 00:27:01,704 --> 00:27:03,289 The bar is fine. 706 00:27:03,331 --> 00:27:05,291 What can I get you? I'm buying. 707 00:27:05,333 --> 00:27:08,044 Sun's still up. Just a seltzer. 708 00:27:08,085 --> 00:27:10,171 A seltzer, please. Ice. 709 00:27:12,256 --> 00:27:13,382 So? 710 00:27:13,424 --> 00:27:15,634 So, I have a British friend... 711 00:27:15,676 --> 00:27:17,261 MI5? 712 00:27:17,303 --> 00:27:18,721 He uses a phrase 713 00:27:18,763 --> 00:27:20,723 when everything goes wrong with something. 714 00:27:20,765 --> 00:27:22,558 He says it's gone... 715 00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:23,893 "tits up." 716 00:27:23,934 --> 00:27:25,311 Tits up? 717 00:27:25,353 --> 00:27:28,564 Like an animal lying on its back, 718 00:27:28,606 --> 00:27:30,566 exposed, incapacitated. 719 00:27:30,608 --> 00:27:32,568 You know, these days, 720 00:27:32,610 --> 00:27:35,529 everyone takes so long to get to their point. 721 00:27:35,571 --> 00:27:37,823 Your Bell Labs project has gone tits up, Pop. 722 00:27:37,865 --> 00:27:39,033 It's been canceled. 723 00:27:39,075 --> 00:27:40,368 What? 724 00:27:40,409 --> 00:27:42,953 No one said anything about that. 725 00:27:42,995 --> 00:27:46,082 No one had the guts to. That's why I'm telling you. 726 00:27:46,123 --> 00:27:48,167 They're just letting you twist in the wind. 727 00:27:48,209 --> 00:27:50,628 They're hoping you'll leave, like you're leaving Columbia. 728 00:27:50,669 --> 00:27:52,338 I'm not leaving Columbia. 729 00:27:52,380 --> 00:27:54,131 I don't like what they're doing. 730 00:27:54,173 --> 00:27:55,549 It's disrespectful. 731 00:27:55,591 --> 00:27:57,968 Where did you hear this? 732 00:27:58,010 --> 00:28:00,137 I got a tip from a friend. 733 00:28:00,179 --> 00:28:02,139 They're investigating, Pop. 734 00:28:02,181 --> 00:28:03,849 Investigating what? 735 00:28:03,891 --> 00:28:05,059 You. 736 00:28:05,101 --> 00:28:06,602 Me? 737 00:28:06,644 --> 00:28:08,854 They're going deep into your background. 738 00:28:08,896 --> 00:28:10,898 I don't understand. 739 00:28:10,940 --> 00:28:12,942 The stuff you did in your 20s, Pop. 740 00:28:12,983 --> 00:28:14,193 Before you met Mom. 741 00:28:14,235 --> 00:28:16,445 But I did good things in my 20s. 742 00:28:16,487 --> 00:28:18,739 I was an activist. I cared. 743 00:28:18,781 --> 00:28:20,491 That's part of what they're interested in: 744 00:28:20,533 --> 00:28:23,035 what you cared about. 745 00:28:23,077 --> 00:28:25,663 What's the precipitating factor here? 746 00:28:25,704 --> 00:28:27,665 Hang on to your hat. 747 00:28:27,706 --> 00:28:29,542 It's Miriam. 748 00:28:29,583 --> 00:28:31,252 Miriam who? 749 00:28:31,293 --> 00:28:33,045 Your daughter, Pop. Midge. 750 00:28:33,087 --> 00:28:35,089 She was performing somewhere in D.C., 751 00:28:35,131 --> 00:28:38,175 and apparently she started talking about Bell Labs. 752 00:28:38,217 --> 00:28:41,178 And your A.I. project. There was a guy in the audience, 753 00:28:41,220 --> 00:28:43,431 someone connected to all this. 754 00:28:43,472 --> 00:28:45,433 Then the club caught fire. 755 00:28:45,474 --> 00:28:47,476 She set the club on fire? 756 00:28:47,518 --> 00:28:48,561 No. 757 00:28:48,602 --> 00:28:50,312 I don't think. 758 00:28:50,354 --> 00:28:52,314 I don't believe this. 759 00:28:52,356 --> 00:28:54,900 Believe it. 760 00:28:54,942 --> 00:28:57,736 How can you be so sure? 761 00:28:57,778 --> 00:29:00,281 'Cause the guy who told me... 762 00:29:00,322 --> 00:29:03,242 told me because I had a gun in his mouth. 763 00:29:03,284 --> 00:29:04,702 My God, no. 764 00:29:04,743 --> 00:29:06,454 Of course not, Pop! 765 00:29:06,495 --> 00:29:08,164 I'm kidding. Geez Louise. 766 00:29:08,205 --> 00:29:09,957 I can't joke anymore? 767 00:29:09,999 --> 00:29:13,127 It's okay if you've killed people. 768 00:29:13,169 --> 00:29:15,463 I'm sure they had it coming. 769 00:29:15,504 --> 00:29:18,299 -I don't kill people! -WOMAN: What did he say? -(man coughing) 770 00:29:18,340 --> 00:29:21,302 -(quietly): I don't... I don't kill people. -MAN: Says he kills people? 771 00:29:21,343 --> 00:29:24,138 I don't even put bullets in that damn gun. 772 00:29:24,180 --> 00:29:26,640 I understand that you have to say that. 773 00:29:27,683 --> 00:29:30,060 Look at me, Pop. 774 00:29:30,102 --> 00:29:32,062 I'm an analyst. 775 00:29:32,104 --> 00:29:34,732 I'm a good guy. I'm still me. 776 00:29:36,650 --> 00:29:38,194 I miss you, Pop. 777 00:29:38,235 --> 00:29:40,321 You're my father. I... 778 00:29:40,362 --> 00:29:42,990 I want to get back to normal, and I don't want you to think 779 00:29:43,032 --> 00:29:44,366 I'm hiding things from you. 780 00:29:44,408 --> 00:29:46,535 That's why I told you all this today. 781 00:29:46,577 --> 00:29:48,996 I'm... coming clean. 782 00:29:55,878 --> 00:29:57,171 Gin. 783 00:29:57,213 --> 00:29:59,757 ♪ ♪ 784 00:29:59,798 --> 00:30:01,133 (audience laughing) 785 00:30:01,175 --> 00:30:04,929 SOPHIE: Put that on your plate! 786 00:30:04,970 --> 00:30:06,764 I went on a cruise, 787 00:30:06,805 --> 00:30:09,934 and every meal was all-you-could-eat. 788 00:30:09,975 --> 00:30:12,728 Once I missed breakfast because I was still eating dinner! 789 00:30:12,770 --> 00:30:15,439 -(laughter) -If I'd have been on the Titanic, 790 00:30:15,481 --> 00:30:17,942 I would have gone down with the buffet! 791 00:30:17,983 --> 00:30:19,860 -(laughter) -The captain asked me 792 00:30:19,902 --> 00:30:22,530 to participate in a safety demonstration. 793 00:30:22,571 --> 00:30:24,657 -I played the iceberg. -(laughter) 794 00:30:24,698 --> 00:30:26,909 Put that on your plate! 795 00:30:26,951 --> 00:30:29,370 I used to think she was funny, 796 00:30:29,411 --> 00:30:31,664 but it's the same joke over and over. 797 00:30:31,705 --> 00:30:33,666 No new take, no spin. 798 00:30:33,707 --> 00:30:35,167 Bullshit. 799 00:30:35,209 --> 00:30:37,336 They say you are what you eat. 800 00:30:37,378 --> 00:30:40,172 Well, that makes me Chinese, Mexican, Italian, 801 00:30:40,214 --> 00:30:41,840 French and roadkill! 802 00:30:41,882 --> 00:30:44,301 -(laughter) -Put that on your plate! Huh? 803 00:30:44,343 --> 00:30:46,971 (laughs) 804 00:30:47,012 --> 00:30:49,390 So, you want to hear about my new husband? 805 00:30:49,431 --> 00:30:52,768 -AUDIENCE: Yeah! -Okay! You asked for it! 806 00:30:52,810 --> 00:30:57,022 I told him I wanted him to make me scream in the bedroom. 807 00:30:57,064 --> 00:30:59,900 So he put a sheet over his head, cut out two eyeholes 808 00:30:59,942 --> 00:31:01,569 and yelled, "Boo!" 809 00:31:03,529 --> 00:31:06,156 -Put that on your plate! -(applause) 810 00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:10,369 -Susie. -Nicky. 811 00:31:10,411 --> 00:31:13,247 -Is this a small world, or what? -You look rested. 812 00:31:13,289 --> 00:31:15,666 -I just got out of the clink. -Miriam, this is Nicky, 813 00:31:15,708 --> 00:31:19,086 -one of the guys who was gonna kill me. -Oh. I've heard a lot about you. 814 00:31:19,128 --> 00:31:21,338 Nice to meet you. You got a sharp one. 815 00:31:21,380 --> 00:31:23,048 So, what are you doing here? Rifling purses? 816 00:31:23,090 --> 00:31:25,634 No. I'm doing security for Sophie Lennon. 817 00:31:25,676 --> 00:31:27,386 -Oh. -Okay. 818 00:31:27,428 --> 00:31:29,847 It's mostly just asking fans to step back a little. 819 00:31:29,888 --> 00:31:32,641 I haven't gotten to beat the shit out of anyone in weeks. 820 00:31:32,683 --> 00:31:34,852 That's too bad. I know how much you enjoy that. 821 00:31:34,893 --> 00:31:37,271 Well, I got to get back to my post. I'll see ya. 822 00:31:37,313 --> 00:31:39,148 -Nice meeting you. -Oh. Hey. 823 00:31:39,189 --> 00:31:41,483 I almost forgot why I came over here. 824 00:31:41,525 --> 00:31:43,193 Sophie said to say hi. 825 00:31:43,235 --> 00:31:45,321 -To us? -Yeah. 826 00:31:45,362 --> 00:31:46,488 Should I say hi back? 827 00:31:46,530 --> 00:31:48,741 (quietly): Sure. 828 00:31:48,782 --> 00:31:50,409 (audience clapping, whooping) 829 00:31:50,451 --> 00:31:53,746 MASON: Ladies and gentlemen, Sophie Lennon! 830 00:31:53,787 --> 00:31:56,040 -(cheering and applause) -I can't hear you. 831 00:31:56,081 --> 00:31:57,458 Ha-ha-ha! 832 00:31:57,499 --> 00:31:59,752 That was wonderful, just wonderful. 833 00:31:59,793 --> 00:32:01,128 Thank you. 834 00:32:01,170 --> 00:32:03,339 (laughs) You are still a hoot. 835 00:32:03,380 --> 00:32:05,716 Mrs. Maisel, let's get you to the phone bank. 836 00:32:05,758 --> 00:32:06,925 Oh. Sure. 837 00:32:06,967 --> 00:32:08,469 -My hair good? -It's fine. 838 00:32:08,510 --> 00:32:10,471 I'm gonna be on camera, Susie. Look close. 839 00:32:10,512 --> 00:32:12,056 It's big, it's bouncy, it's good. 840 00:32:12,097 --> 00:32:13,599 (whispers): Let's go, let's go. 841 00:32:13,641 --> 00:32:15,225 -MASON: Sophie Lennon, ladies and gentlemen. -I'm going. 842 00:32:15,267 --> 00:32:17,645 (audience cheering) 843 00:32:17,686 --> 00:32:19,063 When the phone rings, you answer. 844 00:32:19,104 --> 00:32:21,106 Be nice, be brief. Get a name, a number, 845 00:32:21,148 --> 00:32:22,900 a mailing address and the amount of the pledge. 846 00:32:22,941 --> 00:32:24,193 -Got it. -Spot number six. 847 00:32:24,234 --> 00:32:25,903 MASON: Well, I'm sorry, Sophie. 848 00:32:25,944 --> 00:32:27,946 -I'm happily married. -Is it as fun as it looks? 849 00:32:27,988 --> 00:32:30,115 SOPHIE: Not me. I'm haphazardly married. 850 00:32:30,157 --> 00:32:32,034 Hello. Arthritis Telethon. 851 00:32:32,076 --> 00:32:34,703 Well, thank you, ma'am. What's your name? 852 00:32:34,745 --> 00:32:36,038 Sophie Lennon, ladies and gentlemen. 853 00:32:36,080 --> 00:32:37,665 You'll be seeing a little more of her 854 00:32:37,706 --> 00:32:39,333 later on in a special segment. 855 00:32:39,375 --> 00:32:41,877 -Thanks, Sophie. -Oh, anytime, Mason. 856 00:32:41,919 --> 00:32:45,297 -Oh! Ha-ha-ha! -(laughter) 857 00:32:45,339 --> 00:32:48,258 (cheering) 858 00:32:48,300 --> 00:32:50,135 Look at that, ladies and gentlemen. 859 00:32:50,177 --> 00:32:53,430 Sophie has really pulled in the dollars for our cause. 860 00:32:53,472 --> 00:32:55,557 We have passed $45,000. 861 00:32:55,599 --> 00:32:57,518 -AUDIENCE: Wow! Whoa! -And we're still climbing. 862 00:32:57,559 --> 00:33:00,145 As you can see, our celebrities and volunteers 863 00:33:00,187 --> 00:33:02,940 are hard at work, taking your calls. 864 00:33:02,981 --> 00:33:04,566 Let's put the number on the screen again. 865 00:33:04,608 --> 00:33:05,984 We're in the last few hours, folks, 866 00:33:06,026 --> 00:33:07,528 so dig deep in those pockets 867 00:33:07,569 --> 00:33:09,488 -and help the afflicted. -What the fuck? 868 00:33:09,530 --> 00:33:11,657 It looks like our singing cowboy, Waylon Jones, 869 00:33:11,699 --> 00:33:13,450 is rustling up a few pledges. 870 00:33:13,492 --> 00:33:16,412 Let's mosey on over and chew the chaw with him. 871 00:33:16,453 --> 00:33:19,123 -What the fuck?! -MASON: Well, you had a great big smile on your face 872 00:33:19,164 --> 00:33:21,375 during that last call-- who were you speaking with, Waylon? 873 00:33:21,417 --> 00:33:23,627 Well, Mason, I was on the horn just now 874 00:33:23,669 --> 00:33:25,462 with a little lady from Brooklyn. 875 00:33:25,504 --> 00:33:27,089 Her name is Rhonda. 876 00:33:27,131 --> 00:33:29,133 She's nine years old, and she's giving us 877 00:33:29,174 --> 00:33:31,176 every penny in her penny jar. 878 00:33:31,218 --> 00:33:33,971 -List 'em off, Irene. -Next hour is Shy, then Dick Shawn. 879 00:33:34,012 --> 00:33:35,973 -Comedian? -Comedian. Hour three, we've got 880 00:33:36,014 --> 00:33:38,475 -our folk duo, our Shakespearean players... -Hey. 881 00:33:38,517 --> 00:33:40,060 -You can't be in here. -What the hell? -Where is security? 882 00:33:40,102 --> 00:33:41,395 I thought I had a good relationship 883 00:33:41,437 --> 00:33:42,980 with you guys, but I'm not happy here! 884 00:33:43,021 --> 00:33:44,940 -Get out! -You can't be in here! -Call security! 885 00:33:44,982 --> 00:33:47,151 You can't see my fucking girl! Move the camera over! 886 00:33:47,192 --> 00:33:48,861 It doesn't work that way. Move your girl. 887 00:33:48,902 --> 00:33:50,821 -Sal put her there. -Then talk to Sal. 888 00:33:50,863 --> 00:33:52,281 I will. I'll go talk to Sal. Believe me, 889 00:33:52,322 --> 00:33:53,866 -I'm getting to the bottom of this! -Do not come back! 890 00:33:53,907 --> 00:33:55,492 MAN: Who wants to bet Waylon's from Yonkers? 891 00:33:55,534 --> 00:33:56,952 Well, for starters, I'm fixin' 892 00:33:56,994 --> 00:33:58,787 to put out a new record album. 893 00:33:58,829 --> 00:34:01,498 -I call it One-Horse Town. -MASON: One-Horse Town? 894 00:34:01,540 --> 00:34:03,083 WAYLON: Yes, sir. By Waylon Jones. 895 00:34:03,125 --> 00:34:05,169 SAL: Playback should be cued and ready to go. 896 00:34:05,210 --> 00:34:07,296 -Make sure they know. -Hey, Sal. 897 00:34:07,337 --> 00:34:09,631 -Shh. -What the fuck's with this chair situation? 898 00:34:09,673 --> 00:34:11,842 -My girl's off camera. -It wasn't my call. 899 00:34:11,884 --> 00:34:13,844 -Whose call was it? -I don't know. Someone. 900 00:34:13,886 --> 00:34:15,512 -Yeah. Someone. -While you're at it, 901 00:34:15,554 --> 00:34:18,015 you might want to check the schedule board, too. 902 00:34:18,056 --> 00:34:20,142 -There's been changes. -Changes? 903 00:34:20,184 --> 00:34:23,061 (intro to "Younger Than Springtime" playing) 904 00:34:23,103 --> 00:34:24,730 Now, ladies and gentlemen, 905 00:34:24,772 --> 00:34:26,148 the great... 906 00:34:26,190 --> 00:34:28,108 Shy Baldwin. 907 00:34:28,150 --> 00:34:31,445 ♪ I touch your hand ♪ 908 00:34:31,487 --> 00:34:34,782 ♪ And my arms grow strong ♪ 909 00:34:39,036 --> 00:34:41,747 ♪ Like a pair of birds ♪ 910 00:34:41,789 --> 00:34:45,501 ♪ That burst with charm ♪ 911 00:34:49,797 --> 00:34:52,382 ♪ My eyes look down ♪ 912 00:34:52,424 --> 00:34:56,345 ♪ At your lovely face ♪ 913 00:34:58,013 --> 00:34:59,306 ♪ And I hold ♪ 914 00:34:59,348 --> 00:35:03,393 ♪ The world ♪ 915 00:35:03,435 --> 00:35:06,939 ♪ In my embrace ♪ 916 00:35:10,442 --> 00:35:13,654 ♪ Younger than springtime ♪ 917 00:35:13,695 --> 00:35:15,405 ♪ Are you ♪ 918 00:35:15,447 --> 00:35:18,575 ♪ Softer than starlight ♪ 919 00:35:18,617 --> 00:35:20,661 ♪ Are you ♪ 920 00:35:20,702 --> 00:35:23,872 ♪ Warmer than winds of June ♪ 921 00:35:23,914 --> 00:35:27,334 ♪ Are the gentle lips ♪ 922 00:35:27,376 --> 00:35:31,338 ♪ You gave me ♪ 923 00:35:31,380 --> 00:35:33,340 ♪ Gayer than laughter... ♪ 924 00:35:33,382 --> 00:35:35,259 -Hey. -Susie. Get back. 925 00:35:35,300 --> 00:35:37,094 If they cut over here, you'll be on camera. 926 00:35:37,135 --> 00:35:39,179 I know for a fact that I'm not on camera, 927 00:35:39,221 --> 00:35:41,723 'cause I'm on the other side of you, and you're not on camera. 928 00:35:41,765 --> 00:35:44,393 -What? -She's fucking with us. Sophie. 929 00:35:44,434 --> 00:35:46,728 -Sophie? -She's turned the whole place against us. 930 00:35:46,770 --> 00:35:48,772 My phone's not ringing. 931 00:35:50,440 --> 00:35:52,818 -It's not even connected. -That's not all. 932 00:35:52,860 --> 00:35:55,487 You're bumped to the end of the broadcast. 11:55. 933 00:35:55,529 --> 00:35:57,906 Why didn't she just kick us out altogether? 934 00:35:57,948 --> 00:36:01,118 Because she's a sadist. It's death by a thousand cuts. 935 00:36:01,159 --> 00:36:03,120 -How do we fight this? -We can't. 936 00:36:03,161 --> 00:36:05,455 Fuck it. And fuck her. You'll do your 11:55 spot. 937 00:36:05,497 --> 00:36:07,916 We'll go get loaded after. It'll be a story you tell 938 00:36:07,958 --> 00:36:09,543 on The Tonight Show in ten years. 939 00:36:09,585 --> 00:36:11,044 -Can't wait. -At the very least, 940 00:36:11,086 --> 00:36:12,921 I'm gonna get your phone up and running. 941 00:36:12,963 --> 00:36:15,132 Some old fart with gnarled hands shouldn't have to suffer 942 00:36:15,173 --> 00:36:17,009 because Sophie's an asshole. 943 00:36:17,050 --> 00:36:18,677 ♪ Am I ♪ 944 00:36:18,719 --> 00:36:21,889 ♪ Gayer than laughter ♪ 945 00:36:21,930 --> 00:36:23,891 ♪ Am I ♪ 946 00:36:23,932 --> 00:36:26,643 ♪ Angel and lover ♪ 947 00:36:26,685 --> 00:36:28,645 ♪ Heaven and earth ♪ 948 00:36:28,687 --> 00:36:31,815 ♪ Have I ♪ 949 00:36:31,857 --> 00:36:35,027 ♪ With ♪ 950 00:36:35,068 --> 00:36:37,070 ♪ You... ♪ 951 00:36:43,368 --> 00:36:44,536 (song ends) 952 00:36:44,578 --> 00:36:46,204 (cheering and applause) 953 00:36:52,628 --> 00:36:54,671 MASON: It's all about them, folks. 954 00:36:54,713 --> 00:36:57,341 The sufferers. The people whose days and nights 955 00:36:57,382 --> 00:37:01,470 are filled with the anguish of arthritis and rheumatism. 956 00:37:01,511 --> 00:37:04,222 And right now, the great Sophie Lennon 957 00:37:04,264 --> 00:37:07,935 invites you to join her for a chat with a few... 958 00:37:07,976 --> 00:37:10,604 very special guests. 959 00:37:10,646 --> 00:37:12,272 Sophie? 960 00:37:12,314 --> 00:37:13,690 Hello! 961 00:37:13,732 --> 00:37:16,109 -OTHERS: Hi, Sophie. -(chuckling) 962 00:37:16,151 --> 00:37:18,695 Oh, look at you beautiful people. 963 00:37:18,737 --> 00:37:21,239 How does it feel to have these good folks 964 00:37:21,281 --> 00:37:23,909 -helping you out like this? -PAUL: Wonderful, Sophie. 965 00:37:23,951 --> 00:37:28,580 It means the world to us to have so many people care. 966 00:37:28,622 --> 00:37:31,750 Mmm. But your life has challenges. 967 00:37:31,792 --> 00:37:33,961 Sometimes my arthritis gets so darn bad, 968 00:37:34,002 --> 00:37:35,796 I'm completely immobilized. 969 00:37:35,837 --> 00:37:36,797 Immobilized? 970 00:37:36,838 --> 00:37:38,215 That sounds like honeymoon night 971 00:37:38,256 --> 00:37:39,675 with husbands two, four, and seven. 972 00:37:39,716 --> 00:37:41,885 (laughing) 973 00:37:41,927 --> 00:37:44,513 And seven turned out to be dead! 974 00:37:45,639 --> 00:37:47,224 (Sophie chuckles) 975 00:37:47,265 --> 00:37:50,227 Speaking of that, which of you two fellas is gonna be 976 00:37:50,268 --> 00:37:53,814 Sophie's number nine after number eight kicks off, huh? 977 00:37:53,855 --> 00:37:56,358 I choose... 978 00:37:56,400 --> 00:37:58,026 -you! -(chuckles) 979 00:37:58,068 --> 00:37:59,695 You'll be easier to catch. 980 00:37:59,736 --> 00:38:01,947 -Ow! (laughs) -(audience laughs) 981 00:38:01,989 --> 00:38:03,865 Put that on your plate! 982 00:38:03,907 --> 00:38:04,866 (laughter and applause) 983 00:38:04,908 --> 00:38:06,326 (Sophie laughs) 984 00:38:06,368 --> 00:38:09,454 -Oh. -Oh. 985 00:38:09,496 --> 00:38:12,457 So, what's a typical day like for you? 986 00:38:12,499 --> 00:38:14,001 Judy? 987 00:38:14,042 --> 00:38:16,670 People take for granted the daily pleasures: 988 00:38:16,712 --> 00:38:20,298 driving to the store, walking up a flight of steps. 989 00:38:20,340 --> 00:38:23,760 I haven't done either one of those things in years. 990 00:38:23,802 --> 00:38:26,179 I-I can't even... 991 00:38:26,221 --> 00:38:28,682 Can't even what, my darling? 992 00:38:28,724 --> 00:38:31,852 I can't even pick up my baby grandson. 993 00:38:31,893 --> 00:38:34,855 AUDIENCE: Aw... 994 00:38:34,896 --> 00:38:37,524 I'm sorry, folks, but you're gonna see old Soph 995 00:38:37,566 --> 00:38:40,986 get a little emotional right now. 996 00:38:43,989 --> 00:38:46,366 (forced crying) 997 00:38:48,702 --> 00:38:50,162 (whimpers) 998 00:38:50,203 --> 00:38:51,788 (groans) 999 00:38:51,830 --> 00:38:54,249 (forced crying) 1000 00:38:56,251 --> 00:38:58,879 Oh, arthritis! 1001 00:38:58,920 --> 00:39:01,506 (forced sob): Oh! 1002 00:39:03,550 --> 00:39:06,344 Uh... Ah! Here we are. So... 1003 00:39:06,386 --> 00:39:09,181 That was uncomfortable to watch. 1004 00:39:09,222 --> 00:39:11,099 I'm off to the ladies'. 1005 00:39:11,141 --> 00:39:13,518 I'll just vomit right here. 1006 00:39:14,686 --> 00:39:18,065 (toilet flushing) 1007 00:39:18,106 --> 00:39:20,942 (Sophie speaking indistinctly in distance) 1008 00:39:20,984 --> 00:39:23,361 (toilet flushing) 1009 00:39:27,365 --> 00:39:29,785 -(humming softly) -(audience laughing) 1010 00:39:45,133 --> 00:39:47,677 I'm sorry. I have to introduce myself, 1011 00:39:47,719 --> 00:39:49,679 because I am your biggest fan. 1012 00:39:49,721 --> 00:39:51,348 Actually, my mother is your biggest fan. 1013 00:39:51,389 --> 00:39:53,100 She even listens to your Christmas album. 1014 00:39:53,141 --> 00:39:56,728 But, oh, my God, Shy Baldwin, you are phenomenal. 1015 00:39:56,770 --> 00:39:58,814 You are amazing. 1016 00:39:58,855 --> 00:40:00,816 You are terrified by the crazy woman next to you. 1017 00:40:00,857 --> 00:40:02,526 Am I in the wrong place? 1018 00:40:02,567 --> 00:40:03,902 I don't know. Where are you supposed to be? 1019 00:40:03,944 --> 00:40:05,946 -Ladies' room. -You're in the right place. 1020 00:40:05,987 --> 00:40:07,906 I'm in the wrong place. 1021 00:40:07,948 --> 00:40:10,492 You guys have the bigger mirrors. 1022 00:40:10,534 --> 00:40:12,160 Always smells better, too. 1023 00:40:12,202 --> 00:40:13,662 Mm. 1024 00:40:13,703 --> 00:40:16,665 -(chuckles) A lot better. -(chuckles) 1025 00:40:16,706 --> 00:40:19,167 My mother does think the world of you. 1026 00:40:19,209 --> 00:40:21,086 Oh, mothers do love me. 1027 00:40:21,128 --> 00:40:22,754 -I'm a mother, too. -Really? 1028 00:40:22,796 --> 00:40:25,507 -Mm-hmm. -You'd never know. 1029 00:40:25,549 --> 00:40:28,176 And how are you involved in all this, honey? 1030 00:40:28,218 --> 00:40:29,678 -I'm a comedian. -Oh, yeah? 1031 00:40:29,719 --> 00:40:31,096 -Mm-hmm. -Oh, I love comedians. 1032 00:40:31,138 --> 00:40:32,764 Always open my show with a comedian. 1033 00:40:32,806 --> 00:40:34,766 Had Moms Mabley at the Apollo. 1034 00:40:34,808 --> 00:40:36,309 Audience fell out of their seats. 1035 00:40:36,351 --> 00:40:38,186 Moms Mabley. Mental note. 1036 00:40:38,228 --> 00:40:40,355 She's the real thing. Sees the world, tells the truth. 1037 00:40:40,397 --> 00:40:42,732 Nothing like that buzz saw out there. 1038 00:40:42,774 --> 00:40:45,485 What buzz saw? Sophie? 1039 00:40:45,527 --> 00:40:47,404 Can't stand that cracker comedy of hers. 1040 00:40:47,445 --> 00:40:48,655 She was telling the same jokes 1041 00:40:48,697 --> 00:40:49,990 when I was singing in the subway. 1042 00:40:50,031 --> 00:40:51,658 And they weren't fresh then. 1043 00:40:51,700 --> 00:40:54,578 I bumped into her in Paris. I swear, 1044 00:40:54,619 --> 00:40:56,413 a dozen diamonds fell out of her ass. 1045 00:40:56,454 --> 00:40:58,331 Your race can have her. 1046 00:40:58,373 --> 00:41:00,667 She a friend of yours? Should've asked that first. 1047 00:41:00,709 --> 00:41:02,043 Not by a long shot. 1048 00:41:02,085 --> 00:41:04,504 (chuckles) What's your name? 1049 00:41:04,546 --> 00:41:06,548 Midge. Midge Maisel. 1050 00:41:06,590 --> 00:41:08,717 You break a leg tonight, Midge. 1051 00:41:08,758 --> 00:41:11,553 And thanks for the spritz. 1052 00:41:11,595 --> 00:41:14,764 A little summertime in the fall. 1053 00:41:14,806 --> 00:41:16,183 Thank you for the music. 1054 00:41:16,224 --> 00:41:17,726 Wow, that sounded dumb. 1055 00:41:17,767 --> 00:41:21,771 Not when you say it, sugar. 1056 00:41:24,482 --> 00:41:26,193 (door closes) 1057 00:41:26,234 --> 00:41:28,695 (chuckles softly) 1058 00:41:28,737 --> 00:41:31,281 What a treat to see such grace and beauty... 1059 00:41:31,323 --> 00:41:33,366 I have got to pee or I'm gonna explode. 1060 00:41:33,408 --> 00:41:35,535 Dickie, go. Bird girl's gonna be up there 1061 00:41:35,577 --> 00:41:37,078 -for the next five minutes. -Four. 1062 00:41:37,120 --> 00:41:38,413 -Four. -DICKIE: Why is the bathroom 1063 00:41:38,455 --> 00:41:40,040 always so far from the control room? 1064 00:41:40,081 --> 00:41:42,459 -Why do they do that to us? -HANK: You heard the story about Smitty, 1065 00:41:42,500 --> 00:41:44,794 -how he kept a bucket underneath the console? -IRENE: Ew. 1066 00:41:44,836 --> 00:41:46,880 -DICKIE: I'd use a bucket at this point. -Hey. 1067 00:41:46,922 --> 00:41:48,632 -We've got to call someone. -Get out! -Stop coming here! 1068 00:41:48,673 --> 00:41:49,799 Which way's the VIP green room? 1069 00:41:49,841 --> 00:41:50,967 Make a "U" at the base of the stairs 1070 00:41:51,009 --> 00:41:52,385 and then a left at the hallway. 1071 00:41:52,427 --> 00:41:54,221 -Thanks. -DICKIE: Jesus. 1072 00:41:54,262 --> 00:41:56,473 Almost made me pee my fucking pants. 1073 00:41:56,514 --> 00:41:58,725 ♪ ♪ 1074 00:41:58,767 --> 00:42:00,644 -Hey. -I beg your pardon. 1075 00:42:00,685 --> 00:42:01,895 Midge Maisel. 1076 00:42:01,937 --> 00:42:03,563 You're interrupting my steam. 1077 00:42:03,605 --> 00:42:05,982 Oh. Sorry. 1078 00:42:06,024 --> 00:42:07,234 Better? 1079 00:42:07,275 --> 00:42:08,568 Better. Thank you. 1080 00:42:08,610 --> 00:42:10,070 I just want to tell you something, lady. 1081 00:42:10,111 --> 00:42:12,239 If you ever knock Midge Maisel down again, 1082 00:42:12,280 --> 00:42:14,074 if you ban her from another club 1083 00:42:14,115 --> 00:42:16,326 or sit her ass off camera on a telethon, 1084 00:42:16,368 --> 00:42:18,745 I will grab you and Harry Drake by your fucking necks 1085 00:42:18,787 --> 00:42:20,914 and squeeze until you're both fucking dead! 1086 00:42:20,956 --> 00:42:22,082 Lower your voice. 1087 00:42:22,123 --> 00:42:23,083 Then I'll take your limp bodies, 1088 00:42:23,124 --> 00:42:24,125 set 'em on fire, 1089 00:42:24,167 --> 00:42:25,877 and throw 'em in the Gowanus Canal! 1090 00:42:25,919 --> 00:42:27,712 -Are you done? -Then I'll fish 'em out of the canal, 1091 00:42:27,754 --> 00:42:29,089 tie 'em to the front of a truck, 1092 00:42:29,130 --> 00:42:31,007 and crash 'em into a bed of spikes. 1093 00:42:31,049 --> 00:42:33,426 I think, at this point, Harry and I are both quite dead. 1094 00:42:33,468 --> 00:42:34,511 Why are you doing this? 1095 00:42:34,552 --> 00:42:35,762 You live in a mansion. 1096 00:42:35,804 --> 00:42:37,180 You have a chauffeured limousine, 1097 00:42:37,222 --> 00:42:38,765 a closet full of fat suits. 1098 00:42:38,807 --> 00:42:41,059 Why are you so obsessed with her? 1099 00:42:41,101 --> 00:42:43,728 She bad-mouthed me, and it got into the press. 1100 00:42:43,770 --> 00:42:46,606 Well, grow some balls, lady, and stop with all your tricks. 1101 00:42:46,648 --> 00:42:49,359 -What tricks? -You send tough guys, I take down tough guys. 1102 00:42:49,401 --> 00:42:51,611 You bar us from clubs, I get us back in those clubs. 1103 00:42:51,653 --> 00:42:53,113 You put up walls, I tear 'em down. 1104 00:42:53,154 --> 00:42:54,864 You threaten her, you threaten me. 1105 00:42:54,906 --> 00:42:57,200 You threaten me, I'll punch your fake tits so hard 1106 00:42:57,242 --> 00:42:59,452 your real tits'll feel it! Count on it! 1107 00:42:59,494 --> 00:43:01,371 -(chuckles) -Something funny? 1108 00:43:01,413 --> 00:43:03,748 -Mm. -You should put it in your act. It'll shock the audience. 1109 00:43:03,790 --> 00:43:07,085 I will do anything I have to do to protect Midge. 1110 00:43:07,127 --> 00:43:08,920 She's gonna work her way up Midtown, 1111 00:43:08,962 --> 00:43:10,338 she's gonna headline the Copa, 1112 00:43:10,380 --> 00:43:12,257 she is gonna headline tours. 1113 00:43:12,299 --> 00:43:13,967 Put that on your plate. 1114 00:43:14,009 --> 00:43:15,385 You're her manager. 1115 00:43:15,427 --> 00:43:17,554 You should have told her to apologize. 1116 00:43:17,595 --> 00:43:20,140 All of this would have ended months ago. 1117 00:43:20,181 --> 00:43:22,225 I am not gonna make my client apologize 1118 00:43:22,267 --> 00:43:24,269 for what is gonna make her a star. 1119 00:43:27,230 --> 00:43:29,482 (audience laughing) 1120 00:43:30,984 --> 00:43:33,403 ("Grandstand" by Anthony W. Mawer playing) 1121 00:43:39,451 --> 00:43:42,495 -So, you ready to kill 'em? -I think so. 1122 00:43:42,537 --> 00:43:44,289 -'Cause there are five people watching at home. -(clears throat) 1123 00:43:44,331 --> 00:43:46,082 I want you to slay all five of them. 1124 00:43:46,124 --> 00:43:48,043 -They won't know what hit 'em. -Two of them are older guys 1125 00:43:48,084 --> 00:43:49,419 with their hands down their pants. 1126 00:43:49,461 --> 00:43:50,754 So, a minute after you come on screen, 1127 00:43:50,795 --> 00:43:51,921 they're gonna come on screen. 1128 00:43:51,963 --> 00:43:53,256 Hey, that's a good joke. 1129 00:43:53,298 --> 00:43:55,091 I'm stealing that for another night. 1130 00:43:55,133 --> 00:43:57,886 The cameramen are drunk. This is insane. 1131 00:43:57,927 --> 00:44:00,347 ♪ ♪ 1132 00:44:01,556 --> 00:44:02,515 (song ends) 1133 00:44:02,557 --> 00:44:03,975 (scattered applause) 1134 00:44:04,017 --> 00:44:06,186 Well done, girls. 1135 00:44:06,227 --> 00:44:09,814 Ladies and gentlemen, what a fabulous night. 1136 00:44:09,856 --> 00:44:13,151 Let's take a look at the final count on our tally board. 1137 00:44:13,193 --> 00:44:16,154 Close to $78,000! 1138 00:44:16,196 --> 00:44:18,907 -(fanfare plays) -(cheering and applause) 1139 00:44:18,948 --> 00:44:20,575 Wonderful! 1140 00:44:20,617 --> 00:44:22,577 Look at that-- you're following the confetti! 1141 00:44:22,619 --> 00:44:24,954 I'm the sweeper! 1142 00:44:24,996 --> 00:44:26,706 Are we wrapping early? It's 11:55. 1143 00:44:26,748 --> 00:44:29,125 There's actually one more act. That girl comedian. 1144 00:44:29,167 --> 00:44:30,877 Oh, shit. That's right. 1145 00:44:30,919 --> 00:44:33,797 What did this poor woman do to get this slot? 1146 00:44:33,838 --> 00:44:37,425 We thank you for your generosity and support-- 1147 00:44:37,467 --> 00:44:39,719 Wait, almost forgot. 1148 00:44:39,761 --> 00:44:43,390 Uh, please give a warm welcome to... 1149 00:44:43,431 --> 00:44:46,226 Mrs. Maisel! 1150 00:44:46,267 --> 00:44:47,519 -(applause) -(clears throat) 1151 00:44:49,437 --> 00:44:50,897 (Midge clears throat) 1152 00:44:50,939 --> 00:44:53,316 (chuckles) Thank you. 1153 00:44:53,358 --> 00:44:56,152 -Thank you, lady and gentleman. -(audience chuckles) 1154 00:44:56,194 --> 00:44:58,488 (grunts) So very professional of me to come on camera 1155 00:44:58,530 --> 00:45:00,323 already laughing, as if something funny 1156 00:45:00,365 --> 00:45:02,242 just happened off camera that you didn't see. 1157 00:45:02,283 --> 00:45:03,993 And you never get to know what it was. 1158 00:45:04,035 --> 00:45:05,745 -(laughter) -So you're frustrated. 1159 00:45:05,787 --> 00:45:08,248 You're tired, and they've already 1160 00:45:08,289 --> 00:45:09,499 blown through the confetti, 1161 00:45:09,541 --> 00:45:11,418 so it's nothing but downhill from here. 1162 00:45:11,459 --> 00:45:13,670 -(quietly): Get off. Get off. -And thanks to those of you at home 1163 00:45:13,711 --> 00:45:15,088 -who are still conscious. -You're on camera. 1164 00:45:15,130 --> 00:45:17,090 And for those of you at home who aren't conscious 1165 00:45:17,132 --> 00:45:18,716 but are still in front of your TVs, 1166 00:45:18,758 --> 00:45:21,553 vote for Kennedy. 1167 00:45:21,594 --> 00:45:24,264 Vote for Kennedy. 1168 00:45:24,305 --> 00:45:26,099 Was that political? That was political. 1169 00:45:26,141 --> 00:45:28,351 -She can't do that. -(chuckles) Ballsy. 1170 00:45:28,393 --> 00:45:30,353 So, this is the first time I've ever been on television. 1171 00:45:30,395 --> 00:45:32,522 There's no way you could possibly know that. 1172 00:45:32,564 --> 00:45:36,860 Because, you see, television demands an unerring instinct 1173 00:45:36,901 --> 00:45:40,071 for knowing where the camera is, at all times. 1174 00:45:40,113 --> 00:45:41,406 It's not something you can learn. 1175 00:45:41,448 --> 00:45:43,575 It's pure instinct. 1176 00:45:43,616 --> 00:45:46,286 So, I am not a singer. 1177 00:45:46,327 --> 00:45:49,038 You would know that if I, well, sang. 1178 00:45:49,080 --> 00:45:51,040 I am actually a comedian. 1179 00:45:51,082 --> 00:45:52,876 I talk to people for a living. 1180 00:45:52,917 --> 00:45:54,669 Not that I'm making a living. 1181 00:45:54,711 --> 00:45:56,671 Really, this whole comedian thing was all just a ruse 1182 00:45:56,713 --> 00:45:58,381 to get on this telethon today. 1183 00:45:58,423 --> 00:46:02,719 Mason, I'll take that $78,000 now in small bills. 1184 00:46:02,760 --> 00:46:04,345 -(laughs) -Arthritis be damned. 1185 00:46:04,387 --> 00:46:05,430 That's right. 1186 00:46:05,472 --> 00:46:08,308 This is an extremely unlikely stickup. 1187 00:46:08,349 --> 00:46:11,144 The only witnesses being some drunk cameramen, 1188 00:46:11,186 --> 00:46:14,355 three sailors on leave, and 14 people half-asleep 1189 00:46:14,397 --> 00:46:15,857 in front of their TVs. 1190 00:46:15,899 --> 00:46:18,109 -(laughing) -She's good. 1191 00:46:18,151 --> 00:46:19,861 She's a natural. 1192 00:46:19,903 --> 00:46:21,446 She's all that. 1193 00:46:21,488 --> 00:46:23,198 (audience laughs) 1194 00:46:23,239 --> 00:46:25,366 Phones are ringing and nobody's answering. 1195 00:46:25,408 --> 00:46:27,076 Not good. 1196 00:46:27,118 --> 00:46:29,496 That's money left on the table. 1197 00:46:29,537 --> 00:46:32,790 Come on with me, everybody. 1198 00:46:32,832 --> 00:46:35,168 -Let's see who we've got calling here. -Excuse us. 1199 00:46:35,210 --> 00:46:36,794 Hello and welcome to the telethon. 1200 00:46:36,836 --> 00:46:39,047 Oh, you made a mistake calling a comedian. 1201 00:46:39,088 --> 00:46:41,049 My refrigerator is not running, sir. 1202 00:46:41,090 --> 00:46:43,218 Bye, now. 1203 00:46:43,259 --> 00:46:45,053 Hello and welcome to the telethon. 1204 00:46:45,094 --> 00:46:47,305 No, Rabbi, this is not a good time. 1205 00:46:47,347 --> 00:46:49,557 L'chaim. 1206 00:46:49,599 --> 00:46:50,642 Hello. 1207 00:46:50,683 --> 00:46:52,185 Oh, Mr. Graham Bell. 1208 00:46:52,227 --> 00:46:54,354 Thank you so much for making tonight possible. 1209 00:46:54,395 --> 00:46:56,439 Without you and arthritis, I'd be sitting at home, 1210 00:46:56,481 --> 00:46:58,733 bored out of my mind. Love to Watson. 1211 00:46:58,775 --> 00:47:00,151 (laughter) 1212 00:47:00,193 --> 00:47:04,155 I was very instrumental in making this happen. 1213 00:47:04,197 --> 00:47:05,573 She's Mrs. Maisel! 1214 00:47:05,615 --> 00:47:07,909 Mrs. Maisel is Mrs. Maisel! 1215 00:47:07,951 --> 00:47:09,994 She answers phones and tells jokes. 1216 00:47:10,036 --> 00:47:12,288 What can't she do? 1217 00:47:12,330 --> 00:47:14,499 I can't talk right now. I'm on a telethon. Got to go. 1218 00:47:14,541 --> 00:47:16,501 (laughter) 1219 00:47:16,543 --> 00:47:18,711 Holy fucking Christ. 1220 00:47:18,753 --> 00:47:22,048 MIDGE: Hello? Sorry, hard to hear you over the bongos. 1221 00:47:22,090 --> 00:47:23,967 Yes, the telethon will be over soon, Mr. Belafonte. 1222 00:47:24,008 --> 00:47:27,220 Trust me, daylight come and I want to go home. 1223 00:47:27,262 --> 00:47:29,347 Hello, and welcome to the telethon. 1224 00:47:29,389 --> 00:47:30,932 Will I marry you? 1225 00:47:30,974 --> 00:47:32,934 Well, how much are you gonna pledge? 1226 00:47:32,976 --> 00:47:34,936 Put in an extra $20 and a Bendel's handbag 1227 00:47:34,978 --> 00:47:37,021 and you got yourself a wife. 1228 00:47:37,063 --> 00:47:38,690 Hello, and welcome to the telethon. 1229 00:47:38,731 --> 00:47:40,984 Oh, you're downstairs. Perfect. Hey, can someone 1230 00:47:41,025 --> 00:47:43,736 go downstairs and grab my Chinese food delivery? 1231 00:47:43,778 --> 00:47:45,238 -It's two bucks plus tip. -(neighbors laughing) 1232 00:47:45,280 --> 00:47:47,448 Hello. Aunt Hannah. 1233 00:47:47,490 --> 00:47:50,034 No, I don't know Eddie Fisher. 1234 00:47:50,076 --> 00:47:51,703 Yes, he's on TV sometimes, too, 1235 00:47:51,744 --> 00:47:53,746 -but he's not in the TV with me. -(laughing) 1236 00:47:55,290 --> 00:47:57,250 Hello, and welcome to the telethon. 1237 00:47:57,292 --> 00:47:59,252 Moses. Hi. What an honor. 1238 00:47:59,294 --> 00:48:01,087 I had no idea you had arthritis. 1239 00:48:01,129 --> 00:48:03,089 So this is really happening. 1240 00:48:03,131 --> 00:48:04,507 MIDGE: ...if you took two tablets. 1241 00:48:04,549 --> 00:48:06,926 No kidding. Thank you for your pledge. 1242 00:48:06,968 --> 00:48:08,928 -Where do I go now? -Who's that? 1243 00:48:08,970 --> 00:48:10,263 My wife. 1244 00:48:10,305 --> 00:48:12,265 -You're married? -Shh. 1245 00:48:12,307 --> 00:48:15,018 MIDGE: No, I'm not interested in the Encyclopedia Britannica, 1246 00:48:15,059 --> 00:48:16,519 thank you. I started reading it once 1247 00:48:16,561 --> 00:48:18,354 and couldn't get through it. Good-bye. 1248 00:48:18,396 --> 00:48:20,607 (laughter onscreen) 1249 00:48:20,648 --> 00:48:22,859 Hello, and welcome to the telethon. 1250 00:48:22,900 --> 00:48:24,611 Yes, thank you for calling to confirm. 1251 00:48:24,652 --> 00:48:26,446 I do need a table for 12 at Keens Steakhouse 1252 00:48:26,487 --> 00:48:29,115 for tomorrow night. I'm taking every single person 1253 00:48:29,157 --> 00:48:32,118 who's still watching this thing out for a nice steak dinner. 1254 00:48:32,160 --> 00:48:34,037 (cheering and applause) 1255 00:48:34,078 --> 00:48:36,664 Take it from there, guys. 1256 00:48:36,706 --> 00:48:38,416 Hmm. 1257 00:48:38,458 --> 00:48:41,336 Okay, this telethon's actually gone on so long 1258 00:48:41,377 --> 00:48:44,255 we're raising money for the cameramen's arthritis now. 1259 00:48:44,297 --> 00:48:46,549 -(mouthing) -And now the stage manager's 1260 00:48:46,591 --> 00:48:48,092 going like this. 1261 00:48:48,134 --> 00:48:50,470 We all know what that means in show business. 1262 00:48:50,511 --> 00:48:52,388 -Whoopee! -(cheering and applause) 1263 00:48:52,430 --> 00:48:53,973 It's whoopee time, everybody. 1264 00:48:54,015 --> 00:48:55,308 Everybody make whoopee. 1265 00:48:55,350 --> 00:48:56,809 (cheering, whistling) 1266 00:48:56,851 --> 00:48:59,187 No, actually, I think they want me to wrap it up. 1267 00:48:59,228 --> 00:49:01,522 Thank you for watching, everybody. 1268 00:49:01,564 --> 00:49:03,941 I'm Mrs. Maisel. Thank you for giving. 1269 00:49:03,983 --> 00:49:06,277 Good night. 1270 00:49:06,319 --> 00:49:07,904 (cheering and applause) 1271 00:49:07,945 --> 00:49:09,906 Mrs. Maisel, everyone! That was wonderful. 1272 00:49:09,947 --> 00:49:12,325 -Thank you. -Just wonderful. 1273 00:49:12,367 --> 00:49:14,952 Who knew there were people who were still up? 1274 00:49:14,994 --> 00:49:17,705 We've never had this many calls so late. 1275 00:49:17,747 --> 00:49:20,458 We'll keep our phones manned, so keep calling. 1276 00:49:20,500 --> 00:49:22,877 And thank you and... 1277 00:49:22,919 --> 00:49:25,922 tune in next year for our fourth annual 1278 00:49:25,963 --> 00:49:28,591 Stop Arthritis and Rheumatism Telethon. 1279 00:49:28,633 --> 00:49:30,009 Good night. 1280 00:49:30,051 --> 00:49:32,470 (cheering and applause) 1281 00:49:34,097 --> 00:49:35,306 Let's call it a day, guys. 1282 00:49:35,348 --> 00:49:36,891 -Bye, Susie. -See ya, Irene. 1283 00:49:36,933 --> 00:49:38,893 Hope my wife stayed up for that. She'd love it. 1284 00:49:38,935 --> 00:49:41,229 -Nice job, guys. -Make her stick to the script next time? 1285 00:49:41,270 --> 00:49:43,481 -Never. -Long day. 1286 00:49:43,523 --> 00:49:45,483 -We going to the place? -Sound department's going. 1287 00:49:45,525 --> 00:49:47,902 Was it good? I couldn't tell. I moved a lot. 1288 00:49:47,944 --> 00:49:49,404 Was that bad? Did they hate me? 1289 00:49:49,445 --> 00:49:50,988 It was good. They loved you. 1290 00:49:51,030 --> 00:49:52,907 Sal looked mad when I went over to the phone bank. 1291 00:49:52,949 --> 00:49:54,325 Did it work? Could you hear me? 1292 00:49:54,367 --> 00:49:55,827 Trust me, it was great. 1293 00:49:55,868 --> 00:49:57,662 It was almost better that I went on later. 1294 00:49:57,704 --> 00:49:59,664 The circumstances were bad, but the pressure was off. 1295 00:49:59,706 --> 00:50:02,208 The day sucked ass, but this and taking down Sophie... 1296 00:50:02,250 --> 00:50:04,544 (clicks tongue) made it all worthwhile. Let's get a drink. 1297 00:50:04,585 --> 00:50:06,546 Whoa, whoa. Who took down Sophie? 1298 00:50:06,587 --> 00:50:07,755 I took down Sophie. 1299 00:50:07,797 --> 00:50:09,799 When? Where? 1300 00:50:09,841 --> 00:50:10,967 Walked into her dressing room. By the way, 1301 00:50:11,008 --> 00:50:12,135 I'm getting you one of those next time. 1302 00:50:12,176 --> 00:50:14,011 -But why? -What do you mean, why? 1303 00:50:14,053 --> 00:50:15,263 We were gonna let it go. 1304 00:50:15,304 --> 00:50:17,181 That stuck-up twat had it coming. 1305 00:50:17,223 --> 00:50:18,808 We were getting past the whole thing. 1306 00:50:18,850 --> 00:50:21,477 Why antagonize her again? What's the point? 1307 00:50:21,519 --> 00:50:23,062 That's the point. I'm your manager, 1308 00:50:23,104 --> 00:50:25,440 and it was time to fight the fuck back. 1309 00:50:25,481 --> 00:50:27,984 We were playing more clubs. I was on TV. 1310 00:50:28,025 --> 00:50:29,610 Let me remind you that you started this fight. 1311 00:50:29,652 --> 00:50:30,862 I'm just finishing it. 1312 00:50:30,903 --> 00:50:32,488 We going for that drink? 1313 00:50:33,531 --> 00:50:34,741 I'm tired. 1314 00:50:34,782 --> 00:50:36,576 Oh, come on. 1315 00:50:36,617 --> 00:50:38,035 You can't be serious. 1316 00:50:38,077 --> 00:50:40,496 I can't? 1317 00:50:41,539 --> 00:50:43,332 Fine. Be like that. 1318 00:50:43,374 --> 00:50:45,585 I'll drink enough for the both of us. 1319 00:50:48,045 --> 00:50:50,423 (door opens) 1320 00:50:50,465 --> 00:50:52,884 ("Cities in Dust" by Siouxsie and the Banshees playing) 1321 00:50:55,303 --> 00:50:58,598 ♪ ♪ 1322 00:51:10,276 --> 00:51:13,654 ♪ Water was running ♪ 1323 00:51:13,696 --> 00:51:15,281 ♪ Children were running ♪ 1324 00:51:15,323 --> 00:51:18,659 ♪ You were running out of time ♪ 1325 00:51:18,701 --> 00:51:20,328 ♪ Under the mountain ♪ 1326 00:51:20,369 --> 00:51:23,664 ♪ A golden fountain ♪ 1327 00:51:23,706 --> 00:51:27,001 ♪ Were you praying at the Lares shrine? ♪ 1328 00:51:27,043 --> 00:51:28,669 ♪ But oh-oh ♪ 1329 00:51:28,711 --> 00:51:32,840 ♪ Oh, your city lies in dust ♪ 1330 00:51:32,882 --> 00:51:34,509 ♪ My friend ♪ 1331 00:51:34,550 --> 00:51:37,178 ♪ Oh-oh ♪ 1332 00:51:37,220 --> 00:51:42,058 ♪ Oh, your city lies in dust ♪ 1333 00:51:42,099 --> 00:51:43,726 ♪ My friend ♪ 1334 00:51:43,768 --> 00:51:47,021 ♪ ♪ 1335 00:51:50,358 --> 00:51:53,694 ♪ We found you hiding ♪ 1336 00:51:53,736 --> 00:51:55,321 ♪ We found you lying ♪ 1337 00:51:55,363 --> 00:51:59,534 ♪ Choking on the dirt and sand ♪ 1338 00:51:59,575 --> 00:52:03,704 ♪ Your former glories and all the stories ♪ 1339 00:52:03,746 --> 00:52:06,874 ♪ Dragged and washed with eager hands ♪ 1340 00:52:06,916 --> 00:52:08,334 ♪ But oh-oh ♪ 1341 00:52:08,376 --> 00:52:12,755 ♪ Oh, your city lies in dust ♪ 1342 00:52:12,797 --> 00:52:14,215 ♪ My friend ♪ 1343 00:52:14,257 --> 00:52:17,134 ♪ Oh-oh ♪ 1344 00:52:17,176 --> 00:52:21,514 ♪ Oh, your city lies in dust ♪ 1345 00:52:21,556 --> 00:52:25,893 ♪ My friend ♪ 1346 00:52:25,935 --> 00:52:31,524 ♪ Your city lies in dust ♪ 1347 00:52:31,566 --> 00:52:34,694 ♪ ♪ 1348 00:52:39,740 --> 00:52:41,117 ♪ Water was running ♪ 1349 00:52:41,158 --> 00:52:42,660 ♪ Children were running ♪ 1350 00:52:42,702 --> 00:52:44,912 ♪ We found you hiding ♪ 1351 00:52:44,954 --> 00:52:46,914 ♪ We found you lying ♪ 1352 00:52:46,956 --> 00:52:49,917 ♪ Water was running. ♪