1 00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:07,633 -(laughter) -You know the saying, 2 00:00:07,675 --> 00:00:08,801 "Walk a mile in a man's shoes"? 3 00:00:08,843 --> 00:00:10,219 I mean, think about that. 4 00:00:10,261 --> 00:00:12,138 The perspective that gives you. 5 00:00:12,179 --> 00:00:15,141 Well, I took it to heart, put on a pair of my husband's shoes, 6 00:00:15,182 --> 00:00:17,560 and, my God, were they comfortable. 7 00:00:17,601 --> 00:00:19,895 I get it now, why men rule the world-- 8 00:00:19,937 --> 00:00:21,230 no high heels. 9 00:00:21,272 --> 00:00:23,232 They can walk faster, 10 00:00:23,274 --> 00:00:24,900 and their backs don't hurt. 11 00:00:24,942 --> 00:00:26,569 I'm divorcing my husband, 12 00:00:26,610 --> 00:00:29,321 but I am keeping the fucking shoes. 13 00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:31,157 Thank you, everybody. 14 00:00:31,198 --> 00:00:33,743 I'm Mrs. Maisel. I'm on the road the next few days, 15 00:00:33,784 --> 00:00:35,745 but, unlike your innocence, I'll be back. 16 00:00:35,786 --> 00:00:38,038 -Good night! -(cheering and applause) 17 00:00:40,249 --> 00:00:41,876 -(music playing) -Great set. 18 00:00:41,917 --> 00:00:43,544 Hey, thanks. 19 00:00:43,586 --> 00:00:45,045 I can never tell if they're talking about the boobs 20 00:00:45,087 --> 00:00:47,465 -or the comedy. -That guy was a dancer in Pal Joey. 21 00:00:47,506 --> 00:00:49,216 He wasn't talking about your boobs. 22 00:00:49,258 --> 00:00:51,552 -Hi. -Hi there. 23 00:00:51,594 --> 00:00:54,138 -Uh, what is she doing? -I don't know. 24 00:00:54,180 --> 00:00:56,724 Ooh. It's a pen. 25 00:00:56,766 --> 00:00:59,018 -Oh, she wants your autograph. -Really? 26 00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:00,770 Wow. 27 00:01:00,811 --> 00:01:03,647 This is really cool. 28 00:01:04,690 --> 00:01:05,649 How's it look? 29 00:01:05,691 --> 00:01:06,942 Lose the heart. 30 00:01:06,984 --> 00:01:08,194 Really? Doesn't make it stand out? 31 00:01:08,235 --> 00:01:09,779 No, it makes it look like a third grader signed it. 32 00:01:09,820 --> 00:01:11,489 Okay. (clears throat) 33 00:01:12,740 --> 00:01:14,533 Here. 34 00:01:14,575 --> 00:01:16,118 And thanks. 35 00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:17,745 Thank you. 36 00:01:19,038 --> 00:01:20,831 I just signed my first autograph. 37 00:01:20,873 --> 00:01:22,416 -And check this out. -Hmm. 38 00:01:22,458 --> 00:01:24,418 Our first road itinerary. Let's go over it. 39 00:01:24,460 --> 00:01:25,920 Not necessary, I know it by heart. 40 00:01:25,961 --> 00:01:27,421 Days one and two, D.C. 41 00:01:27,463 --> 00:01:28,672 Day three, Philly. 42 00:01:28,714 --> 00:01:30,257 Day four, Harrisburg. 43 00:01:30,299 --> 00:01:33,010 Day five, back home for the gig at the new club on 23rd. 44 00:01:33,052 --> 00:01:35,679 Oh. Okay. I mean, I typed it up all fancy. 45 00:01:35,721 --> 00:01:37,765 One for each of us. Even fixed my "S" key. 46 00:01:37,807 --> 00:01:39,683 -But you don't need it. -No, no, no, let me see it. 47 00:01:39,725 --> 00:01:42,061 -I'll just use it as toilet paper. -Let me see it. 48 00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:45,481 -You spelled "itinerary" wrong. -Damn. 49 00:01:45,523 --> 00:01:46,982 It's impressive. 50 00:01:47,024 --> 00:01:48,734 Just remember the most important part: 51 00:01:48,776 --> 00:01:50,069 day one, tomorrow, 52 00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:52,154 depart New York City 1:30 p.m. sharp. 53 00:01:52,196 --> 00:01:54,073 -Got it? -I will not be late. 54 00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:57,243 Okay, I got Montana, 55 00:01:57,284 --> 00:01:59,829 North Carolina, Utah, 56 00:01:59,870 --> 00:02:01,664 -Wisconsin... -We'll do this later, Jackie. 57 00:02:01,705 --> 00:02:02,832 Do what? What is this? 58 00:02:02,873 --> 00:02:04,458 The plates for you to switch on the car. 59 00:02:04,500 --> 00:02:05,876 Why are we switching the plates on the car? 60 00:02:05,918 --> 00:02:07,753 Well, it-it's technically stolen. 61 00:02:07,795 --> 00:02:09,004 There's nothing technical about it. 62 00:02:09,046 --> 00:02:10,381 It's fucking stolen. 63 00:02:10,422 --> 00:02:12,466 I like Utah. They'll think you're Mormon 64 00:02:12,508 --> 00:02:14,677 and leave you alone. I mean, no one talks to Mormons 65 00:02:14,718 --> 00:02:15,928 unless they have to. 66 00:02:15,970 --> 00:02:17,513 -You said it's your mother's car. -It is. 67 00:02:17,555 --> 00:02:19,265 You stole your mother's car? 68 00:02:19,306 --> 00:02:21,267 Hey, she stole my childhood. I think we're even. 69 00:02:21,308 --> 00:02:22,935 What if we're pulled over and they run our plates? 70 00:02:22,977 --> 00:02:24,854 -I'll handle it. -Great plan. 71 00:02:24,895 --> 00:02:27,106 We'll just cross our fingers and hope for the best. 72 00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:28,774 It's how I live my life-- 73 00:02:28,816 --> 00:02:31,151 just sort of half-assed and completely random. 74 00:02:31,193 --> 00:02:32,820 I want no part of this, okay? 75 00:02:32,862 --> 00:02:34,989 Fine. Have no part of it. 76 00:02:35,030 --> 00:02:36,407 Take Wyoming. 77 00:02:36,448 --> 00:02:37,825 SUSIE: Wyoming? Why? 78 00:02:37,867 --> 00:02:40,244 Wyoming's full of cowboys and tough hombres, 79 00:02:40,286 --> 00:02:41,745 and cops are less likely to pull us over 80 00:02:41,787 --> 00:02:43,330 'cause they won't want to mess with us. 81 00:02:43,372 --> 00:02:45,457 Plus, it's got a horse, and I like the horse. 82 00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:46,667 I had a feeling that was it. 83 00:02:46,709 --> 00:02:48,335 So, 1:30 tomorrow. 84 00:02:48,377 --> 00:02:50,504 1:30. See ya, partner. 85 00:02:50,546 --> 00:02:53,007 Pew, pew. (blows) 86 00:02:53,048 --> 00:02:54,258 Lose Wyoming. 87 00:02:57,595 --> 00:03:00,556 ("Oomp Waddle Dickie Duck" playing) 88 00:03:00,598 --> 00:03:03,809 ♪ Dickie the duck went out walking one day ♪ 89 00:03:03,851 --> 00:03:07,980 ♪ He wanted some ducks to come over and play ♪ 90 00:03:08,022 --> 00:03:10,983 ♪ He quack, quack, quack, quacked as he waddled along ♪ 91 00:03:11,025 --> 00:03:12,568 You tire of Chopin? 92 00:03:12,610 --> 00:03:15,571 No, I like Chopin very much. 93 00:03:15,613 --> 00:03:17,239 What are you doing? 94 00:03:17,281 --> 00:03:19,992 Working. Or trying to. 95 00:03:20,034 --> 00:03:22,411 You do know that's Ethan's record. 96 00:03:22,453 --> 00:03:25,623 Hence the references to "Ducky Waddles ha ha ha." 97 00:03:25,664 --> 00:03:27,833 -(music stops) -Don't you have some dirty jokes 98 00:03:27,875 --> 00:03:29,501 -to go tell? -Told 'em. 99 00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:31,211 So, whatcha doin'? 100 00:03:31,253 --> 00:03:33,923 Our Bell Labs speech synthesis team 101 00:03:33,964 --> 00:03:35,799 is going to be the first in the world 102 00:03:35,841 --> 00:03:38,177 to teach a computer to sing. 103 00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:40,512 But I need to find precisely the right song. 104 00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:44,350 It has to have a simple melody with a maximum one-octave range 105 00:03:44,391 --> 00:03:48,020 and, ideally, very few diphthongs in the lyrics. 106 00:03:48,062 --> 00:03:50,105 Ethan's records are perfect. 107 00:03:50,147 --> 00:03:51,899 You're not gonna want that one. 108 00:03:51,941 --> 00:03:53,192 It's just barnyard sounds. 109 00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:54,401 Oh. 110 00:03:54,443 --> 00:03:56,862 I signed my first autograph tonight. 111 00:03:56,904 --> 00:04:00,115 A complete stranger asked you to put your signature down 112 00:04:00,157 --> 00:04:02,201 on a piece of paper and you did it? 113 00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:04,370 Yes. She was very excited, too. 114 00:04:04,411 --> 00:04:06,246 Well, of course she was. 115 00:04:06,288 --> 00:04:09,249 Now she can forge your signature on a check. 116 00:04:10,459 --> 00:04:13,837 It was a really good show tonight. 117 00:04:13,879 --> 00:04:17,007 You know, when you saw me at the Concord, 118 00:04:17,049 --> 00:04:21,011 it wasn't exactly my regular act, Papa. 119 00:04:21,053 --> 00:04:23,931 I saw you, and... I got nervous. 120 00:04:23,973 --> 00:04:25,140 You made me nervous. 121 00:04:25,182 --> 00:04:26,976 And that made you vulgar? 122 00:04:27,017 --> 00:04:28,727 No. I just... 123 00:04:28,769 --> 00:04:31,397 I have a gig in the city when I get back. 124 00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:34,483 Nearby. Nice club. 125 00:04:34,525 --> 00:04:36,360 Maybe you'd like to come. 126 00:04:36,402 --> 00:04:38,696 -It's too far. -Nearby is too far? 127 00:04:38,737 --> 00:04:40,406 I mean I'm very busy. 128 00:04:40,447 --> 00:04:42,741 I just think if you saw me at a normal gig, 129 00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:44,493 you might feel better about it. 130 00:04:44,535 --> 00:04:46,161 Don't worry about me. 131 00:04:46,203 --> 00:04:48,247 How about Mama? How's she feeling? 132 00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:50,916 Marry Benjamin, and everything will be fine. 133 00:04:50,958 --> 00:04:52,501 I don't know if I'm going to marry Benjamin. 134 00:04:52,543 --> 00:04:54,461 Marry somebody, and everything will be fine. 135 00:04:54,503 --> 00:04:55,879 -Okay. -To be clear, 136 00:04:55,921 --> 00:04:58,298 I mean marry somebody at city hall. 137 00:04:58,340 --> 00:05:00,300 I'm not going to pay for fake snow 138 00:05:00,342 --> 00:05:02,302 and papier-mâché reindeer again. 139 00:05:02,344 --> 00:05:04,722 $400 for embroidered yarmulkes 140 00:05:04,763 --> 00:05:06,890 that say "Midge and Joel forever." 141 00:05:06,932 --> 00:05:09,143 Explain that to an orphan. 142 00:05:09,184 --> 00:05:11,186 If I see one, I will. 143 00:05:12,521 --> 00:05:14,231 I'm sorry, Papa. 144 00:05:14,273 --> 00:05:17,860 I know that all this stuff with me, with Noah... 145 00:05:17,901 --> 00:05:19,361 Miriam, please, 146 00:05:19,403 --> 00:05:20,863 I have no time to concern myself 147 00:05:20,904 --> 00:05:22,948 with my children's feckless behavior. 148 00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:26,368 I'm a man of science, engaged in complex research 149 00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:27,870 at the highest levels 150 00:05:27,911 --> 00:05:31,665 on incredibly important scientific matters. 151 00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:37,880 BOY: ♪ I went to the bathroom by myself ♪ 152 00:05:37,921 --> 00:05:42,509 ADULTS: ♪ Big, big boy went by himself ♪ 153 00:05:42,551 --> 00:05:44,511 BOY: ♪ I took some paper ♪ 154 00:05:44,553 --> 00:05:46,513 ♪ Wiped myself ♪ 155 00:05:46,555 --> 00:05:50,726 ADULTS: ♪ Wiped his bottom by himself ♪ 156 00:05:50,768 --> 00:05:53,395 There's a fair amount that works in this one. 157 00:05:53,437 --> 00:05:57,232 Unfortunately, computers don't use the bathroom. 158 00:05:57,274 --> 00:05:58,650 Yet. 159 00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:01,278 BOY: ♪ I went to the bathroom ♪ 160 00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:04,364 -♪ By myself ♪ -♪ Big... ♪ 161 00:06:04,406 --> 00:06:06,533 I have no idea what to get. I haven't been out of the house 162 00:06:06,575 --> 00:06:08,368 in a month. Archie's mother keeps sending us 163 00:06:08,410 --> 00:06:10,579 corned beef and cabbage. The whole apartment building 164 00:06:10,621 --> 00:06:11,830 smells like Downtown Dublin. 165 00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:13,582 Well, order as much as you want. It's all on me. 166 00:06:13,624 --> 00:06:16,710 This is a purely guilt-motivated "I'm sorry" lunch. 167 00:06:16,752 --> 00:06:18,879 I love your quaint Jewish traditions. 168 00:06:18,921 --> 00:06:21,131 -Ooh, who's that? -Oscar Udenosky. 169 00:06:21,173 --> 00:06:23,050 -Is he famous? -He's a dentist. 170 00:06:23,092 --> 00:06:25,052 Oh. I thought he was famous. 171 00:06:25,094 --> 00:06:26,053 What's kishka? 172 00:06:26,095 --> 00:06:27,221 Jewish haggis. 173 00:06:27,262 --> 00:06:29,556 No, thank you. Oh, who's that? 174 00:06:29,598 --> 00:06:31,391 -Bertha Frisk. -Is she famous? 175 00:06:31,433 --> 00:06:33,268 She's the bingo queen of St. Mary's. Does that count? 176 00:06:33,310 --> 00:06:35,145 I thought there were going to be famous people here. 177 00:06:35,187 --> 00:06:36,814 It is called the Stage Deli, 178 00:06:36,855 --> 00:06:39,274 not the Boring Everyone Normal Eats Here Deli. 179 00:06:39,316 --> 00:06:41,318 -Couldn't get all those letters on the sign. -I was hoping it would be 180 00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:42,736 like when Lucy went to the Brown Derby 181 00:06:42,778 --> 00:06:44,238 and saw William Holden and got so nervous 182 00:06:44,279 --> 00:06:45,572 she buttered her hand instead of her bread. 183 00:06:45,614 --> 00:06:47,157 I can see a dentist at Lindy's. 184 00:06:47,199 --> 00:06:48,992 I need some excitement. 185 00:06:49,034 --> 00:06:50,410 Excitement. Okay. 186 00:06:51,662 --> 00:06:54,373 Oh. See that guy over there in the gray suit? 187 00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:56,792 Marty Segal. Yesterday, he scored his first Copa gig. 188 00:06:56,834 --> 00:06:58,877 -Big, big deal. -Huh. 189 00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:00,295 He just spilled coffee on his suit. 190 00:07:00,337 --> 00:07:01,797 Does the Copa know about that? 191 00:07:01,839 --> 00:07:03,423 That may be his opening bit. 192 00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:06,218 Gregory Peck came in once. 193 00:07:06,260 --> 00:07:07,386 -He did? -Came in 194 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:08,762 and ate lunch. Right over there. 195 00:07:08,804 --> 00:07:10,514 No. Are you lying? Never mind. 196 00:07:10,556 --> 00:07:12,850 Don't care. I love Gregory Peck. 197 00:07:12,891 --> 00:07:14,143 Congratulations on the Copa. 198 00:07:14,184 --> 00:07:15,644 Put some club soda on that, Marty. 199 00:07:15,686 --> 00:07:17,271 What can I get for you two? 200 00:07:17,312 --> 00:07:18,856 Oh, shoot. I haven't finished looking. 201 00:07:18,897 --> 00:07:21,608 Allow me. Verla, my dear friend Imogene here 202 00:07:21,650 --> 00:07:23,527 will have the hot pastrami Reuben on rye, 203 00:07:23,569 --> 00:07:25,863 chicken in a pot, potato knish, 204 00:07:25,904 --> 00:07:28,031 matzo ball soup, cheese Danish, 205 00:07:28,073 --> 00:07:30,033 a lime rickey, and a couple of black-and-whites for dessert. 206 00:07:30,075 --> 00:07:32,452 -And some Bromo-Seltzer to go? -You bet. 207 00:07:32,494 --> 00:07:34,037 Coming right up. 208 00:07:34,079 --> 00:07:35,789 That's exactly what Gregory Peck ordered. 209 00:07:35,831 --> 00:07:37,374 No. Are you lying? Never mind. 210 00:07:37,416 --> 00:07:39,042 Don't care. This is so exciting. 211 00:07:39,084 --> 00:07:40,794 -Hey, Midge. -Hey, Eugene. 212 00:07:40,836 --> 00:07:42,171 How'd the Florida gig go? 213 00:07:42,212 --> 00:07:43,463 I did ten minutes on bad shellfish. 214 00:07:43,505 --> 00:07:45,090 The place went nuts. 215 00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:48,051 Oh, you never told me Grace Kelly was your friend. 216 00:07:48,093 --> 00:07:50,095 Easy, boy. Those tits are just temporary. 217 00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:51,847 -(gasps) -Oh, sorry. 218 00:07:51,889 --> 00:07:53,557 Congratulations. 219 00:07:57,311 --> 00:08:00,814 -What? -(whispers): I can't believe what you said. In a restaurant. 220 00:08:00,856 --> 00:08:02,816 Oh, he's a comic. Th-That's just how we talk. 221 00:08:02,858 --> 00:08:05,027 It's just I've never heard you-- Oh, my. He looked at my... 222 00:08:05,068 --> 00:08:06,445 He didn't mean anything by it except that your boobs 223 00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:08,739 are enormous. And they are. Mazel tov. 224 00:08:08,780 --> 00:08:10,240 Oh, my God. A man looked at my-- 225 00:08:10,282 --> 00:08:11,783 I should tell Archie. Should I tell Archie? 226 00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:12,993 Deep breaths, honey. 227 00:08:13,035 --> 00:08:14,536 And I have never heard you talk like that before. 228 00:08:14,578 --> 00:08:16,038 -I'm sorry. -Midge, 229 00:08:16,079 --> 00:08:17,122 you cannot do that at my shower. 230 00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:19,208 If my mother heard you say T-I-T-S, 231 00:08:19,249 --> 00:08:20,959 she would-- well, she might not do anything 232 00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:22,127 because she won't know what you're talking about, 233 00:08:22,169 --> 00:08:23,754 -but please don't. -Imogene, 234 00:08:23,795 --> 00:08:26,131 I promise, I am throwing the most beautiful baby shower 235 00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:27,966 in the world for my very best friend. 236 00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:31,053 And, I promise, I will be on my very best behavior. 237 00:08:31,094 --> 00:08:34,139 Okay. Okay. 238 00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:35,807 So, did Gregory Peck really eat over there? 239 00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:38,227 And Cary Grant joined him for dessert. 240 00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:40,604 (bell dings) 241 00:08:40,646 --> 00:08:43,023 This car is unkempt, to say the least. 242 00:08:43,065 --> 00:08:44,775 Hey, lady, I could use another hand. 243 00:08:44,816 --> 00:08:47,361 I have to make sure nothing back here gets crushed and wrinkled. 244 00:08:47,402 --> 00:08:49,780 Who knows if they have irons where we're headed? 245 00:08:49,821 --> 00:08:51,782 Ah! Motherfucker! 246 00:08:51,823 --> 00:08:54,201 Fuck my mother! 247 00:08:54,243 --> 00:08:55,410 Hey, what the hell? 248 00:08:55,452 --> 00:08:56,828 Oh. Did you need that? 249 00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:57,913 That's my shit. 250 00:08:57,955 --> 00:08:59,039 -It is? In that? -Yes. 251 00:08:59,081 --> 00:09:00,082 Just because it's not wrapped 252 00:09:00,123 --> 00:09:01,500 in a pink box like some party cake 253 00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:02,751 doesn't make it garbage. 254 00:09:02,793 --> 00:09:03,752 Why didn't you bring a suitcase? 255 00:09:03,794 --> 00:09:04,795 I don't have one. 256 00:09:04,836 --> 00:09:06,088 What do you use for vacations? 257 00:09:06,129 --> 00:09:07,506 -My imagination? -Sorry, 258 00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:08,590 I thought your stuff was packed 259 00:09:08,632 --> 00:09:09,675 in the little suitcase in the back. 260 00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:11,593 Ah. The suitcase thing's a tape recorder. 261 00:09:11,635 --> 00:09:13,345 I'm gonna tape all your road sets 262 00:09:13,387 --> 00:09:15,013 so we can study 'em when we get back. 263 00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:16,682 -That's a great idea. -Thanks. 264 00:09:16,723 --> 00:09:18,517 Here's another one. Stop sounding so surprised 265 00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:19,768 when I have a great idea. 266 00:09:19,810 --> 00:09:21,270 Now, please, just hold the plate up. 267 00:09:21,311 --> 00:09:22,896 -The screw won't go in. -No way. 268 00:09:22,938 --> 00:09:25,232 I have two priors. I can't risk another arrest. 269 00:09:25,274 --> 00:09:27,484 Never mind. Just go over your set for tonight. 270 00:09:27,526 --> 00:09:30,153 Oh, I have been. Do you think I can do the bit 271 00:09:30,195 --> 00:09:31,571 about Eisenhower's penis in D.C. 272 00:09:31,613 --> 00:09:33,240 or will the Secret Service not like it? 273 00:09:33,282 --> 00:09:35,951 -I could say "sausage." -Eh, they'll know you mean "penis." 274 00:09:35,993 --> 00:09:37,744 Maybe I'll say "penis" but not "Eisenhower's penis." 275 00:09:37,786 --> 00:09:39,788 I'll put "Eisenhower's penis" in the Philadelphia set. 276 00:09:39,830 --> 00:09:43,333 I think Eisenhower's penis is a slam dunk wherever you put it. 277 00:09:45,002 --> 00:09:46,295 Okay. 278 00:09:46,336 --> 00:09:47,713 America, here we come. 279 00:09:47,754 --> 00:09:49,339 Great. Lift your ass. 280 00:09:49,381 --> 00:09:50,966 -I'm sorry? -You got to lift your ass 281 00:09:51,008 --> 00:09:52,634 -or the car won't start. -Are you kidding me? 282 00:09:52,676 --> 00:09:54,136 -No. -Why? 283 00:09:54,177 --> 00:09:56,555 Am I a mechanic? Just pick it up so we can go. 284 00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,140 I do a version of this 285 00:09:58,181 --> 00:09:59,391 -in my Helena Rubinstein class. -(engine starts) 286 00:09:59,433 --> 00:10:01,393 Good for the thighs. 287 00:10:01,435 --> 00:10:03,312 -Can I put my butt down now? -Almost. 288 00:10:03,353 --> 00:10:05,564 -The car's moving. -Few more seconds. 289 00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:07,399 You're just screwing with me now, aren't you? 290 00:10:07,441 --> 00:10:10,402 Yep. The Eisenhower penis tour has begun. 291 00:10:10,444 --> 00:10:12,904 -Mm. -(honks horn) 292 00:10:12,946 --> 00:10:15,866 ♪ I'm gonna ♪ 293 00:10:15,907 --> 00:10:17,826 ♪ Live till I die ♪ 294 00:10:17,868 --> 00:10:20,829 ♪ I'm gonna laugh 'stead of cry ♪ 295 00:10:20,871 --> 00:10:23,832 ♪ I'm gonna take the town and turn it upside down ♪ 296 00:10:23,874 --> 00:10:26,418 ♪ I'm gonna live, live, live till I die ♪ 297 00:10:26,460 --> 00:10:27,753 ♪ They're gonna say ♪ 298 00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:30,839 Is Senator Kennedy running for president, do we think? 299 00:10:30,881 --> 00:10:32,674 -(scattered agreement) -It's up to Jackie. 300 00:10:32,716 --> 00:10:35,177 You know she wears the pants in that family. 301 00:10:35,218 --> 00:10:38,096 -(laughter) -And she wears them well. Seriously, 302 00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:40,891 have you seen how easily that woman wears linen pants? 303 00:10:40,932 --> 00:10:42,559 Linen. The material that wrinkles 304 00:10:42,601 --> 00:10:44,394 while you're ironing it. 305 00:10:44,436 --> 00:10:48,398 I believe the Kennedys will stand up for Americans. 306 00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:50,484 Because, really, if Jackie sits down for ten seconds, 307 00:10:50,525 --> 00:10:51,943 that whole outfit goes to shit. 308 00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:54,613 -(laughter) -I hope he runs, 309 00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:55,864 because he'll restore the science funding 310 00:10:55,906 --> 00:10:57,074 that Eisenhower cut. 311 00:10:57,115 --> 00:10:58,617 Science is big in my family 312 00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:01,078 because my father works at Bell Labs. 313 00:11:01,119 --> 00:11:03,497 And I was very excited when he got this job. 314 00:11:03,538 --> 00:11:07,584 The greatest scientific minds in the world all in one building, 315 00:11:07,626 --> 00:11:09,669 solving the world's problems. 316 00:11:09,711 --> 00:11:11,171 I came home the other day and found him listening 317 00:11:11,213 --> 00:11:12,464 to my four-year-old's record, 318 00:11:12,506 --> 00:11:14,007 a song about teaching yourself how to wipe your ass 319 00:11:14,049 --> 00:11:15,842 -after going to the bathroom. -(laughter) 320 00:11:15,884 --> 00:11:17,886 He told me he's listening to it because at work, 321 00:11:17,928 --> 00:11:19,930 they're trying to teach a computer to sing. 322 00:11:19,971 --> 00:11:22,015 And I believed him at the time, 323 00:11:22,057 --> 00:11:23,683 but now I'm wondering: 324 00:11:23,725 --> 00:11:25,977 does my father not know how to go to the bathroom? 325 00:11:26,019 --> 00:11:29,981 -(laughter) -And if that's true, who taught me? 326 00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:32,442 Because my mother never goes to the bathroom. Or eats. Or... 327 00:11:32,484 --> 00:11:33,735 Fire! 328 00:11:33,777 --> 00:11:35,612 Fire in the kitchen! Everybody out! 329 00:11:35,654 --> 00:11:38,323 -To the exits, now! Go, go! -What? Why? 330 00:11:38,365 --> 00:11:39,449 What-What's going on? 331 00:11:39,491 --> 00:11:40,575 CLUB MANAGER: There's a fire. Everybody out. 332 00:11:40,617 --> 00:11:42,702 Move to the exits, now! Go! 333 00:11:42,744 --> 00:11:44,913 Okay, folks, I guess everybody's supposed to leave. 334 00:11:44,955 --> 00:11:47,207 -SUSIE: No! Keep talking! -Are you not hearing me? 335 00:11:47,249 --> 00:11:49,626 -There's a fire in the kitchen! -Well, of course there is. 336 00:11:49,668 --> 00:11:51,169 It's how you fuckin' cook things. 337 00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:52,629 I'm Mrs. Maisel. Thank you. Good night. 338 00:11:52,671 --> 00:11:54,798 If you catch on fire, stop, drop and roll. 339 00:11:54,840 --> 00:11:57,050 You have water in that kitchen? You can put fire out with water. 340 00:11:57,092 --> 00:11:58,427 -You know that, right? -Susie, please. I've got 341 00:11:58,468 --> 00:11:59,886 a lot of flammable product in my hair. 342 00:11:59,928 --> 00:12:01,304 We'll die if we just stand here. 343 00:12:01,346 --> 00:12:03,849 -So you die on stage. What a way to go. -Move! 344 00:12:03,890 --> 00:12:07,102 -Aw, come on, it hasn't even hit this room yet. -It will. 345 00:12:10,272 --> 00:12:11,523 (door unlocking) 346 00:12:13,817 --> 00:12:16,403 -Huh. -I told you it wasn't gonna be The Ritz. 347 00:12:16,445 --> 00:12:17,654 It's fine. 348 00:12:17,696 --> 00:12:19,739 Big enough. Clean-ish. 349 00:12:21,283 --> 00:12:22,784 Drawers open. 350 00:12:22,826 --> 00:12:24,369 Lights light. 351 00:12:24,411 --> 00:12:26,746 There's the parking lot, so we can watch the car. 352 00:12:26,788 --> 00:12:28,373 Hi, car. 353 00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:30,959 It's good. Guess we share the dresser. 354 00:12:31,001 --> 00:12:33,420 How many drawers do you think you'll need? 355 00:12:33,462 --> 00:12:35,088 (sighs) 356 00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:38,925 Looks like one. 357 00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:42,095 Then I'll make do with the other five. 358 00:12:42,137 --> 00:12:44,556 Hey, you put coins in the TV. 359 00:12:44,598 --> 00:12:46,808 Are you not having fun? 360 00:12:46,850 --> 00:12:48,560 I just wanted you to finish your set. 361 00:12:48,602 --> 00:12:50,061 I know. I was on fire. 362 00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:51,688 And then the place was, too. 363 00:12:51,730 --> 00:12:53,732 -Maybe I set the fire. -On the bright side, 364 00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:55,400 the guy paid us the whole take. 365 00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:57,235 Plus we got out before the building collapsed. 366 00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:59,112 So, go ahead and shower. I know you want to. 367 00:12:59,154 --> 00:13:01,490 I will. As soon as the guy brings up my bags. 368 00:13:01,531 --> 00:13:03,492 -What guy? -The guy who checked us in. 369 00:13:03,533 --> 00:13:05,285 You think Vlad the Impaler in the lobby 370 00:13:05,327 --> 00:13:06,703 is bringing up your bags? 371 00:13:06,745 --> 00:13:08,497 -Yes. -Based on what? 372 00:13:08,538 --> 00:13:10,540 Based on the fact that I said, "Just the two, thanks," 373 00:13:10,582 --> 00:13:12,334 and he nodded like he was gonna bring them up. 374 00:13:12,375 --> 00:13:14,669 No, he nodded like he was gonna go through your luggage 375 00:13:14,711 --> 00:13:17,005 and whack off with your girdle stretched over his face. 376 00:13:17,047 --> 00:13:19,925 -So no one's bringing up my bags? -No. It's a motel. 377 00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:21,885 You want 'em, you go get 'em. 378 00:13:21,927 --> 00:13:23,553 Right. Okay. 379 00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:27,307 -Do not look at me. -Fine. I'm gonna go down 380 00:13:27,349 --> 00:13:29,643 to get the bags and carry them up myself. 381 00:13:29,684 --> 00:13:31,895 After all, this trip is about trying new things 382 00:13:31,937 --> 00:13:34,189 and expanding my horizons. 383 00:13:34,231 --> 00:13:35,607 It's bags, not a threesome 384 00:13:35,649 --> 00:13:37,359 with Marilyn Monroe and Arthur Miller. 385 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,277 No, but it's steep stairs; no elevator. 386 00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:42,030 Here, take this. 387 00:13:42,072 --> 00:13:43,907 Sure you don't want to come? 388 00:13:43,949 --> 00:13:46,701 Mm. Only you can expand your horizons, Miriam. 389 00:13:46,743 --> 00:13:48,411 New things! 390 00:13:52,082 --> 00:13:54,251 Fuckin' weirdo. 391 00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:59,631 This is like being back in college, sharing a room. 392 00:13:59,673 --> 00:14:01,925 -Or a slumber party. -Or jail. 393 00:14:01,967 --> 00:14:04,094 You ever have slumber parties when you were a kid? 394 00:14:04,135 --> 00:14:06,304 If you count everyone falling asleep in the same room 395 00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:08,598 'cause they were too drunk to get up a slumber party. 396 00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:10,433 We used to play with a Ouija board 397 00:14:10,475 --> 00:14:11,935 and try to contact Valentino. 398 00:14:11,977 --> 00:14:13,353 One time the lights flickered. 399 00:14:13,395 --> 00:14:14,813 It was scary. But fun. 400 00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:16,773 One time my cousin came into my room at night 401 00:14:16,815 --> 00:14:19,317 and got on top of me. I jabbed my finger into his eye, 402 00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:20,777 and he was blind for a week. 403 00:14:20,819 --> 00:14:22,237 It was scary. But fun. 404 00:14:22,279 --> 00:14:24,864 -We could watch TV. -Meh. This late, 405 00:14:24,906 --> 00:14:26,992 it's just the test pattern with the Indian chief. 406 00:14:27,033 --> 00:14:28,785 Just shut the lights off, 407 00:14:28,827 --> 00:14:31,288 and we'll both be snoring like buzz saws any minute. 408 00:14:31,329 --> 00:14:32,831 -Oh. -What? 409 00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:35,333 -You snore? -How would I know? I'm sleeping. 410 00:14:35,375 --> 00:14:37,711 Well, has anyone ever told you you do? 411 00:14:37,752 --> 00:14:39,671 What kind of a sick fuck's gonna come into my room, 412 00:14:39,713 --> 00:14:41,590 listen to me sleep, then tell me about it? 413 00:14:41,631 --> 00:14:43,883 So no one you've ever shared a bed with has let you know? 414 00:14:43,925 --> 00:14:45,885 -Did you ask your cousin? -Really? 415 00:14:45,927 --> 00:14:47,429 The reason your husband left you? 416 00:14:47,470 --> 00:14:49,556 You wouldn't let him get any sleep. 417 00:14:53,602 --> 00:14:55,186 (Midge clears throat) 418 00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:57,856 (takes deep breath) 419 00:14:57,897 --> 00:15:00,483 Hey, remember when that really old lady was yelling 420 00:15:00,525 --> 00:15:02,652 "Take me, I'm on fire!" at the fireman? 421 00:15:02,694 --> 00:15:04,738 -Yeah. -Then the fireman threw that blanket over her. 422 00:15:04,779 --> 00:15:07,073 For a minute I thought he was gonna do it. 423 00:15:07,115 --> 00:15:08,867 SUSIE: Give the old bird her dying wish. 424 00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,535 MIDGE (breathily): "Take me, I'm on fire." 425 00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:12,829 Hmm. You should put that shit in your set tomorrow. 426 00:15:12,871 --> 00:15:15,123 I'm opening with it. Did she die? 427 00:15:15,165 --> 00:15:18,126 -Nah. -Maybe in the act she'll die. 428 00:15:18,168 --> 00:15:20,545 I think I can keep that funny. Night, Susie. 429 00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:22,047 Mm. 430 00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:23,923 -Hey, Susie. -What? 431 00:15:23,965 --> 00:15:26,635 She wanted to slide down his pole. 432 00:15:26,676 --> 00:15:28,303 Go to sleep. 433 00:15:29,804 --> 00:15:32,599 (chuckles): Pole's funny. 434 00:15:32,641 --> 00:15:34,434 (Midge chuckles) 435 00:15:34,476 --> 00:15:36,102 MIDGE: He's sleeping okay there? 436 00:15:36,144 --> 00:15:38,563 -JOEL: Like a rock. He's doing great. -Let me say hi. 437 00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:40,357 Hey, Ethan. It's Mommy. 438 00:15:40,398 --> 00:15:41,650 Want to say hi? 439 00:15:41,691 --> 00:15:43,276 No. She has to ring it. 440 00:15:43,318 --> 00:15:45,403 -He doesn't want to talk to me? -Sure he does. 441 00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:47,822 He just wants you to call back so the phone'll ring 442 00:15:47,864 --> 00:15:49,824 -especially for him. -Okay. 443 00:15:49,866 --> 00:15:52,452 Guess Mommy's made of coins. One sec. 444 00:15:55,789 --> 00:15:57,582 -What's wrong? -Nothing. 445 00:15:57,624 --> 00:16:00,085 -It's something. What is it? -Leg hurts. 446 00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:03,046 -What'd you do? -Why is this my fault? 447 00:16:03,088 --> 00:16:04,964 (phone rings) 448 00:16:06,549 --> 00:16:08,051 Hi, Mommy. 449 00:16:08,093 --> 00:16:09,928 Hi, sweetie. How... 450 00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:11,137 Hello? 451 00:16:11,179 --> 00:16:12,889 Ethan? 452 00:16:12,931 --> 00:16:14,849 (phone rings) 453 00:16:15,892 --> 00:16:17,602 -Hi. -What happened? 454 00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:19,771 Well, he doesn't really like talking on the phone. 455 00:16:19,813 --> 00:16:21,231 He just loves answering it. 456 00:16:21,272 --> 00:16:22,732 -He's forgotten me. -No, he hasn't. 457 00:16:22,774 --> 00:16:24,776 Two days, I've been gone. Two days. 458 00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:26,653 He's a kid. I'll tell him you miss him. 459 00:16:26,695 --> 00:16:28,238 And you can call collect, Midge. 460 00:16:28,279 --> 00:16:30,532 That would have been a good idea about three dollars ago. 461 00:16:30,573 --> 00:16:32,951 Wait, are you short? You got enough money for the trip? 462 00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:34,911 Sure. I just don't carry it all around in quarters. 463 00:16:34,953 --> 00:16:36,204 It makes my thighs look lumpy. 464 00:16:36,246 --> 00:16:38,081 -Where are you two? -Gas station. 465 00:16:38,123 --> 00:16:40,250 How's Susie's car? Does it run okay? 466 00:16:40,291 --> 00:16:42,627 Purrs like a really old, angry kitten. 467 00:16:42,669 --> 00:16:45,088 -And she's a decent driver? -We go places and we get there. 468 00:16:45,130 --> 00:16:46,923 Does she know how to change a tire? 469 00:16:46,965 --> 00:16:48,133 I'd assume so. 470 00:16:48,174 --> 00:16:49,175 -Ask her. -Joel. 471 00:16:49,217 --> 00:16:50,427 Where'd you stay in D.C.? 472 00:16:50,468 --> 00:16:51,720 I'm not sure I have enough coins 473 00:16:51,761 --> 00:16:53,138 to get through all three centuries 474 00:16:53,179 --> 00:16:54,431 -of the Spanish Inquisition. -You know what? 475 00:16:54,472 --> 00:16:55,682 -Is she there? -Susie? 476 00:16:55,724 --> 00:16:57,225 Yeah. Put her on. I can give her 477 00:16:57,267 --> 00:16:58,768 some pointers on changing a tire. 478 00:16:58,810 --> 00:17:02,230 Okay. Joel wants to know if you can change a tire. 479 00:17:02,272 --> 00:17:03,523 What? 480 00:17:03,565 --> 00:17:05,024 Ugh. 481 00:17:09,738 --> 00:17:10,989 (singsongy): Hello. 482 00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:12,532 Yes, I can change a stupid tire. 483 00:17:12,574 --> 00:17:14,159 Now, listen, and you listen good. 484 00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:15,910 I swear to motherfucking God, if anything happens 485 00:17:15,952 --> 00:17:18,204 to Midge on this trip, I'm gonna fucking kill you. 486 00:17:18,246 --> 00:17:20,915 I don't care that you're a girl, or short, 487 00:17:20,957 --> 00:17:23,460 I will rip your head off and use it to play catch with my kid. 488 00:17:23,501 --> 00:17:25,962 She's the mother of my children. If you fuck this up, 489 00:17:26,004 --> 00:17:28,006 I want you to think of the worst possible thing that could ever 490 00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:30,300 happen to you, and I want you to triple it and add a hobbling. 491 00:17:30,341 --> 00:17:32,218 You got it? Now... 492 00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:33,678 apply the wheel wedges, remove the hubcaps, 493 00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:35,555 loosen the lug nuts, jack up the car 494 00:17:35,597 --> 00:17:37,307 and change the fucking tire. 495 00:17:37,348 --> 00:17:38,975 Or call a goddamn cab. 496 00:17:39,017 --> 00:17:40,852 Put Midge back on the phone. 497 00:17:40,894 --> 00:17:43,730 Thanks for the tip. 498 00:17:43,772 --> 00:17:47,609 Great guy. Too bad you kids couldn't work it out. 499 00:17:47,650 --> 00:17:50,236 I should go. We have to get all the way to Philly. 500 00:17:50,278 --> 00:17:52,071 Where are you staying when you get there? 501 00:17:52,113 --> 00:17:55,450 -I don't know. Some motel. -Uh-huh. Put Susie on again. 502 00:17:55,492 --> 00:17:57,702 Too late. She limped off. Really quickly. 503 00:17:57,744 --> 00:18:00,872 Just be careful, okay? Will you? Please? 504 00:18:00,914 --> 00:18:02,707 Yes. And kiss Ethan and Esther for me. 505 00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:04,501 Show them a picture if you have to. 506 00:18:04,542 --> 00:18:05,710 I will. 507 00:18:05,752 --> 00:18:07,504 -Bye. -Bye. 508 00:18:13,885 --> 00:18:15,887 Hey, scoot over. Let's get going. 509 00:18:15,929 --> 00:18:18,223 I got to take a break from driving; it's killing my leg. 510 00:18:18,264 --> 00:18:20,058 -Meaning...? -You drive. 511 00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:22,060 -I don't know how to drive. -What? 512 00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:25,021 -I grew up in the city. -How the hell do you plan a road trip 513 00:18:25,063 --> 00:18:26,981 with somebody and forget to mention that you can't drive? 514 00:18:27,023 --> 00:18:28,775 I did plan to learn a few years ago. 515 00:18:28,817 --> 00:18:30,568 Oh, well, that's a relief. For a second there, 516 00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:32,862 I thought maybe you didn't plan to learn a few years ago. 517 00:18:32,904 --> 00:18:34,239 I even bought pink driving gloves. 518 00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:35,532 I brought them with me. 519 00:18:35,573 --> 00:18:37,367 Because we were gonna be in a car. 520 00:18:37,408 --> 00:18:39,953 -You can wear them if you want. -(sighs): Jesus Christ. 521 00:18:39,994 --> 00:18:41,496 Sorry. 522 00:18:43,206 --> 00:18:45,166 Ass up. 523 00:18:45,208 --> 00:18:46,835 (engine starts) 524 00:18:49,879 --> 00:18:51,422 (metallic clattering) 525 00:18:54,884 --> 00:18:58,137 -Hey! Occupied! -Aren't I supposed to have a real dressing room? 526 00:18:58,179 --> 00:18:59,848 Or at least a door with a lock? 527 00:18:59,889 --> 00:19:01,933 Yeah, well, I guess I got a little busy 528 00:19:01,975 --> 00:19:03,935 making sure the place had, you know, a stage 529 00:19:03,977 --> 00:19:06,229 -and a place for an audience. -A manager's supposed to request 530 00:19:06,271 --> 00:19:08,731 things like a dressing room with a door that locks. 531 00:19:08,773 --> 00:19:10,775 I'm a total idiot. What do you want me to say? 532 00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:13,027 Usually you show up to a gig in your show dress. 533 00:19:13,069 --> 00:19:15,196 I forgot you'd need a place to change. My fault. 534 00:19:15,238 --> 00:19:16,698 -Learning lessons. -Fine. 535 00:19:16,739 --> 00:19:19,993 -Knock, asshole! -There's someone in here, asshole! 536 00:19:20,034 --> 00:19:21,703 -It's me, Dante! -Booker. 537 00:19:21,744 --> 00:19:22,996 MIDGE/SUSIE: Sorry! 538 00:19:23,037 --> 00:19:24,581 DANTE: Your girl is on. 539 00:19:24,622 --> 00:19:26,833 -Uh, we need a minute. -And a lock for the door. 540 00:19:26,875 --> 00:19:28,585 DANTE: Crowd is restless. Get a move on. 541 00:19:28,626 --> 00:19:30,587 -Zip me. Hurry. -How is the crowd? 542 00:19:30,628 --> 00:19:32,297 -DANTE: Good. -Crowd's good. 543 00:19:32,338 --> 00:19:34,799 -How do I look? -Like you're ready to take Philly. 544 00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:37,135 DANTE: Hey, everybody. Straight from the Big Apple... 545 00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:39,679 -Sorry about the room. -Sorry I yelled about the room. 546 00:19:39,721 --> 00:19:41,723 -Let's do this. -Give a big Philly welcome to... 547 00:19:41,764 --> 00:19:43,683 Mrs. Maisel! 548 00:19:43,725 --> 00:19:45,727 (scattered applause) 549 00:19:46,978 --> 00:19:49,647 Well, hello, Philadelphia! 550 00:19:49,689 --> 00:19:51,107 Wow. 551 00:19:51,149 --> 00:19:53,693 You said the crowd was good. 552 00:19:53,735 --> 00:19:56,154 -They are good. There's just not that many of them. -MIDGE: I'm Mrs. Maisel. 553 00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:58,489 -Motherfucker. -MIDGE: So, the... 554 00:19:58,531 --> 00:20:00,533 first joke I was gonna tell you guys tonight 555 00:20:00,575 --> 00:20:02,911 has one of those "has anyone here ever" thingies. 556 00:20:02,952 --> 00:20:04,704 But I realize the odds that anyone here 557 00:20:04,746 --> 00:20:07,957 has ever actually done the thing I was gonna ask if you had done 558 00:20:07,999 --> 00:20:09,500 are pretty darn low. 559 00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:11,127 Just mathematically. 560 00:20:11,169 --> 00:20:13,087 Unless it was something like: Has anyone here 561 00:20:13,129 --> 00:20:14,839 -ever gotten alcohol poisoning? -(laughter) 562 00:20:14,881 --> 00:20:17,091 In which case the odds get pretty good again. 563 00:20:17,133 --> 00:20:19,510 Because it's Philly. 564 00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:21,346 I think there were more people in the room 565 00:20:21,387 --> 00:20:23,056 -when my son was born. -(laughter) 566 00:20:23,097 --> 00:20:24,933 Maybe also when he was conceived. 567 00:20:24,974 --> 00:20:28,603 Ma'am, the-the tag is sticking out of your dress. 568 00:20:28,645 --> 00:20:31,606 (dogs barking, siren wailing in distance) 569 00:20:31,648 --> 00:20:33,608 (door unlocking) 570 00:20:33,650 --> 00:20:36,611 -Jesus. -Oh, my. 571 00:20:36,653 --> 00:20:38,947 What a shithole. 572 00:20:38,988 --> 00:20:40,990 (indistinct shouting nearby) 573 00:20:43,868 --> 00:20:45,828 (Midge gasps) 574 00:20:45,870 --> 00:20:48,915 What's the matter? 575 00:20:50,917 --> 00:20:53,670 I'm kind of digging the suspense here. 576 00:20:57,674 --> 00:21:00,635 Well, hello. 577 00:21:00,677 --> 00:21:02,845 (toilet flushes) 578 00:21:02,887 --> 00:21:05,056 Am I a fucking manager or what? 579 00:21:05,098 --> 00:21:08,184 I'll never unsee that. The sheer size. 580 00:21:08,226 --> 00:21:11,187 Go to bed. Dream of puppies. 581 00:21:11,229 --> 00:21:13,856 Well, hello. 582 00:21:13,898 --> 00:21:15,358 -What now? -Nothing. 583 00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:18,403 Just a lot of things to say hello to in this room. 584 00:21:19,696 --> 00:21:21,114 -What? -Teeth. 585 00:21:21,155 --> 00:21:22,240 -Teeth? -Teeth. 586 00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:23,366 -False teeth? -Real teeth. 587 00:21:23,408 --> 00:21:25,368 -Baby teeth? -Large teeth. 588 00:21:25,410 --> 00:21:28,121 Adult teeth. Or teeth from a really big baby. 589 00:21:28,162 --> 00:21:30,707 Maybe a... I got nothing. 590 00:21:30,748 --> 00:21:32,250 I don't think I'll unpack tonight. 591 00:21:32,291 --> 00:21:34,002 Or use the bathroom. Or lie down. 592 00:21:34,043 --> 00:21:36,129 Or sit down. Or shut my eyes. 593 00:21:36,170 --> 00:21:38,464 -Miriam. -Hello. 594 00:21:38,506 --> 00:21:40,299 You're on tour. You got to sleep. 595 00:21:40,341 --> 00:21:42,427 -Just keep your clothes on. -I don't need sleep. 596 00:21:42,468 --> 00:21:44,345 I can't sleep, anyway, because of your... 597 00:21:44,387 --> 00:21:46,431 'Cause of my what? 598 00:21:49,475 --> 00:21:52,020 What are you doing? Don't touch that. 599 00:21:52,061 --> 00:21:54,022 You need to hear something. 600 00:21:54,063 --> 00:21:55,481 I don't want to hear your D.C. gigs. 601 00:21:55,523 --> 00:21:57,525 It's not my D.C. gigs. I was going to wait 602 00:21:57,567 --> 00:22:00,486 until we got home, but... 603 00:22:00,528 --> 00:22:02,530 (Susie snoring on tape) 604 00:22:05,533 --> 00:22:07,493 What is that? 605 00:22:07,535 --> 00:22:09,746 -That's you. -Bullshit. 606 00:22:09,787 --> 00:22:11,748 -Hold on. -(snoring grows louder) 607 00:22:11,789 --> 00:22:15,251 -Jesus Christ. -I'm sorry. 608 00:22:15,293 --> 00:22:16,878 I recorded you when you were sleeping last night. 609 00:22:16,919 --> 00:22:18,212 First of all, don't ever, 610 00:22:18,254 --> 00:22:20,048 ever touch the tape recorder. Hear me? 611 00:22:20,089 --> 00:22:21,591 -And "B," that's the most sadistic... -(on tape): Tom Collins. 612 00:22:21,632 --> 00:22:24,260 -Wait, what'd I just say there? -I think it was "Tom Collins." 613 00:22:24,302 --> 00:22:25,887 -Didn't know you liked gin. -(snoring continues) 614 00:22:25,928 --> 00:22:28,264 Tom Collins was my teddy bear. 615 00:22:28,306 --> 00:22:30,349 -Oh. Sweet. -Turn it off. 616 00:22:30,391 --> 00:22:34,395 I will. I just think you should hear one more thing. 617 00:22:34,437 --> 00:22:36,272 (grunting, snorting) 618 00:22:36,314 --> 00:22:38,274 (snoring stops) 619 00:22:38,316 --> 00:22:40,860 Did I die? 620 00:22:40,902 --> 00:22:43,404 -Maybe. You really need to see a doctor. -(snoring resumes) 621 00:22:43,446 --> 00:22:45,740 You need to learn some manners, you know that? 622 00:22:45,782 --> 00:22:49,035 -I was just trying to help. -Don't help me. Write that down. 623 00:22:49,077 --> 00:22:51,245 Look, I know it's embarrassing, but when I was little, 624 00:22:51,287 --> 00:22:53,414 my mother used to wake me up when I made unseemly noises 625 00:22:53,456 --> 00:22:56,542 to train me to be a ladylike sleeper. For when I got married. 626 00:22:56,584 --> 00:22:58,753 -She recorded you? -No. She sat on the edge of my bed 627 00:22:58,795 --> 00:23:00,046 and shook me when I made a noise. 628 00:23:00,088 --> 00:23:02,006 Wow. Freak doesn't fall far from the tree. 629 00:23:02,048 --> 00:23:04,342 -One day you might thank me, Susie. -Yeah? 630 00:23:04,383 --> 00:23:06,344 Well, you taped over the D.C. gigs, so thanks for that. 631 00:23:06,385 --> 00:23:08,387 Hope you remember your American Revolution joke 632 00:23:08,429 --> 00:23:10,014 word-for-word, 'cause it's gone. 633 00:23:14,060 --> 00:23:16,729 You're really gonna stand there all night? 634 00:23:16,771 --> 00:23:18,898 It works for Francis the Talking Mule. 635 00:23:18,940 --> 00:23:20,441 Suit yourself. 636 00:23:20,483 --> 00:23:23,486 I'm sleeping in your bed, then. Mine's taken. 637 00:23:30,576 --> 00:23:32,537 -MIDGE: Good night. -SUSIE: Fuck you. 638 00:23:35,665 --> 00:23:37,667 Starving. 639 00:23:37,708 --> 00:23:39,293 Bathroom. Fix. 640 00:23:39,335 --> 00:23:42,338 -Counter. Eat. -Coffee. 641 00:23:46,092 --> 00:23:48,136 Fuck. 642 00:23:48,177 --> 00:23:50,012 Come on. 643 00:23:50,054 --> 00:23:51,931 Don't look. 644 00:23:53,975 --> 00:23:55,768 Mmm. 645 00:23:55,810 --> 00:23:57,603 (sighs) 646 00:23:57,645 --> 00:24:00,898 Hey, you have any idea what these weird bumps are? 647 00:24:00,940 --> 00:24:03,693 -I mean, is this, like, a local thing? -I'm 16. 648 00:24:03,734 --> 00:24:06,404 I didn't ask if you'd ever been blown. I asked about this. 649 00:24:12,743 --> 00:24:14,370 I give. 650 00:24:14,412 --> 00:24:16,372 You didn't get me any coffee. Coffee, please. 651 00:24:16,414 --> 00:24:19,083 Yeah, he's not coming back. Probably on his way to therapy. 652 00:24:19,125 --> 00:24:21,878 I knew it was bad, but when I looked in a mirror-- God. 653 00:24:21,919 --> 00:24:23,963 Why didn't you tell me I looked like shit? 654 00:24:24,005 --> 00:24:25,923 I have my own problems, missy. 655 00:24:25,965 --> 00:24:27,592 Oh, my God, your face. 656 00:24:27,633 --> 00:24:29,427 -No kidding, my face. -What happened? 657 00:24:29,468 --> 00:24:32,221 -What's it look like? Something bit me. -It was the bed. 658 00:24:32,263 --> 00:24:34,348 You laid on the bed. Thank God I didn't lay on the bed. 659 00:24:34,390 --> 00:24:36,184 What have you got in there that can fix this? 660 00:24:36,225 --> 00:24:37,560 Nothing. 661 00:24:37,602 --> 00:24:39,270 You have 500 things in that case. 662 00:24:39,312 --> 00:24:41,063 -You got nothing for bites? -I could do 663 00:24:41,105 --> 00:24:43,024 some mascara for you. Maybe a little eyeliner. 664 00:24:43,065 --> 00:24:45,443 -How's that gonna help? -It'll make your eyes look bigger, 665 00:24:45,484 --> 00:24:47,570 and that'll draw attention away from the rest of your face. 666 00:24:47,612 --> 00:24:50,615 Hey, I have that all organized. 667 00:24:52,617 --> 00:24:55,036 Yeah, this shit's got "skin" right there. 668 00:24:55,077 --> 00:24:58,331 That'll make your welts look ten years younger. 669 00:24:58,372 --> 00:25:01,459 There's more now. Shit, they're still hatching. 670 00:25:01,500 --> 00:25:03,544 Shit. This bite has a bite on it. 671 00:25:03,586 --> 00:25:05,254 I'm sorry. 672 00:25:05,296 --> 00:25:07,048 I'm going to the drugstore to see if there's someone there 673 00:25:07,089 --> 00:25:08,424 who can help me more than you, 674 00:25:08,466 --> 00:25:11,344 like a blind-mute baby with no arms. 675 00:25:13,346 --> 00:25:14,388 (line ringing) 676 00:25:14,430 --> 00:25:15,765 ABE (over phone): Hello? 677 00:25:15,806 --> 00:25:17,433 OPERATOR: Collect call from Miriam Maisel 678 00:25:17,475 --> 00:25:19,852 for Abe or Rose Weissman. Do you accept the charges? 679 00:25:19,894 --> 00:25:21,729 I don't know. What are my options? 680 00:25:21,771 --> 00:25:24,065 -MIDGE: Take the call. -I'll take the call. 681 00:25:24,106 --> 00:25:26,317 -OPERATOR: Go ahead, please. -Hello, Papa. 682 00:25:26,359 --> 00:25:27,860 Skip the niceties. What do you need? 683 00:25:27,902 --> 00:25:29,153 MIDGE: I'm just calling to check in. 684 00:25:29,195 --> 00:25:30,488 -How's the baby? -ABE: She's drooling. 685 00:25:30,529 --> 00:25:32,949 -She's defecating. -Does she miss me? 686 00:25:32,990 --> 00:25:35,201 I think unless she can fit you in her mouth, 687 00:25:35,243 --> 00:25:37,328 you are of no consequence to her at all. 688 00:25:37,370 --> 00:25:39,580 -Anything else? -You're in a mood. 689 00:25:39,622 --> 00:25:43,000 -Well, your mother has pulled a fast one. -What now? 690 00:25:43,042 --> 00:25:46,796 She's throwing some sort of soiree and forgot to tell me. 691 00:25:46,837 --> 00:25:48,130 Or you forgot to listen. 692 00:25:48,172 --> 00:25:50,716 ABE: Now there's tables and chairs. 693 00:25:50,758 --> 00:25:53,344 -They've taken over my study. -Maybe it's her garden club? 694 00:25:53,386 --> 00:25:54,971 It's been ages since she's hosted them. 695 00:25:55,012 --> 00:25:57,473 There's flowers and tables and streamers. 696 00:25:57,515 --> 00:25:59,809 Streamers usually indicate music. 697 00:25:59,850 --> 00:26:01,769 They drink some wine and talk about stamens. 698 00:26:01,811 --> 00:26:03,896 -It'll be over in an hour. -She's not even here. 699 00:26:03,938 --> 00:26:06,065 She just left me like this to fend for myself. 700 00:26:06,107 --> 00:26:08,025 -So where's the baby? -Glassware? 701 00:26:08,067 --> 00:26:09,527 She got rental glassware. 702 00:26:09,568 --> 00:26:12,738 -Papa. -The baby's with Rose at the beauty parlor. 703 00:26:12,780 --> 00:26:15,074 -I just said that. -You didn't, actually. 704 00:26:15,116 --> 00:26:16,701 Miriam, I have to go. 705 00:26:16,742 --> 00:26:19,328 I just heard the words "potato salad." 706 00:26:19,370 --> 00:26:22,790 There's only so much a man can take in his own house. 707 00:26:22,832 --> 00:26:24,834 This stuff does not help at all. 708 00:26:24,875 --> 00:26:26,961 You're supposed to blow on it. 709 00:26:27,003 --> 00:26:29,672 (blowing) 710 00:26:29,714 --> 00:26:31,632 -Are they gone? -No. 711 00:26:31,674 --> 00:26:33,217 Then get the fuck away from me. 712 00:26:33,259 --> 00:26:35,261 Okay. I have to go change. 713 00:26:37,305 --> 00:26:39,307 ("Travelin' Man" by Ricky Nelson playing) 714 00:26:41,309 --> 00:26:43,936 ♪ I'm a travelin' man ♪ 715 00:26:43,978 --> 00:26:47,940 ♪ I've made a lot of stops all over the world... ♪ 716 00:26:47,982 --> 00:26:50,192 Aren't you supposed to keep both hands on the wheel? 717 00:26:50,234 --> 00:26:51,861 Thought you didn't know how to drive. 718 00:26:51,902 --> 00:26:53,571 I know how not to drive. 719 00:26:53,612 --> 00:26:55,656 -(thunder rumbling) -Was that thunder? 720 00:26:55,698 --> 00:26:58,409 -I didn't hear anything. -I definitely heard a rumble, 721 00:26:58,451 --> 00:27:00,995 and I didn't bring my rain mac because you said not to, Susie. 722 00:27:01,037 --> 00:27:03,205 I didn't tell you not to bring your rain mac 723 00:27:03,247 --> 00:27:04,832 'cause I don't know what a rain mac is. 724 00:27:04,874 --> 00:27:07,209 It's a fashionable cover to keep you dry, and I left it 725 00:27:07,251 --> 00:27:09,086 at home because you said the weather was gonna be good. 726 00:27:09,128 --> 00:27:12,381 -I repeated what the paper said. -I would've brought my rain mac, 727 00:27:12,423 --> 00:27:14,175 I would've brought my galoshes, I would've brought... 728 00:27:14,216 --> 00:27:17,428 -Potato salad. -What? 729 00:27:17,470 --> 00:27:19,555 Stop the car. Stop the car. 730 00:27:19,597 --> 00:27:20,890 I can't just stop the car. 731 00:27:20,931 --> 00:27:22,600 Pull over. Pull over. 732 00:27:22,641 --> 00:27:24,643 (line ringing) 733 00:27:26,771 --> 00:27:27,938 -(phone ringing) -WOMEN: Aw. 734 00:27:27,980 --> 00:27:29,940 Oh, yay, more booties. 735 00:27:29,982 --> 00:27:32,735 Thanks, Nancy. 736 00:27:32,777 --> 00:27:34,487 Bring more napkins. 737 00:27:34,528 --> 00:27:36,989 -They're going through a lot of them. -Yes, ma'am. 738 00:27:37,031 --> 00:27:39,992 IMOGENE: Good, a bonnet and booties. 739 00:27:40,034 --> 00:27:42,787 WOMEN: Aw. 740 00:27:42,828 --> 00:27:45,790 Mr. Bemis works at a bank, but all he wants is time alone 741 00:27:45,831 --> 00:27:48,793 to read his precious books. It's his passion. 742 00:27:48,834 --> 00:27:50,920 -I love books. -Anyway... 743 00:27:50,961 --> 00:27:53,130 Why is no one answering the phone? 744 00:27:53,172 --> 00:27:56,634 His wife's a shrew, so he can't read at home. She won't let him. 745 00:27:56,675 --> 00:27:59,637 And he wears these really thick reading glasses, you see? 746 00:27:59,678 --> 00:28:04,225 Anyway, he finally decides to hide out in the bank vault. 747 00:28:04,266 --> 00:28:05,601 All right, I'll answer it. 748 00:28:05,643 --> 00:28:06,769 DON: What's this program called? 749 00:28:06,811 --> 00:28:08,187 ABE: The Twilight Zone. 750 00:28:08,229 --> 00:28:09,563 -ARCHIE: Never heard of it. -ABE: It's new. 751 00:28:09,605 --> 00:28:11,357 -Hello? -MIDGE (distorted): Hello? 752 00:28:11,399 --> 00:28:13,401 ABE: While our man is in the vault, there's a nuclear war. 753 00:28:13,442 --> 00:28:15,444 -They drop the H-bomb. -ROSE: Hello? 754 00:28:15,486 --> 00:28:17,405 -Wow. -(chuckles) Didn't see that comin'. 755 00:28:17,446 --> 00:28:20,658 -Neither did he. But there's another twist. -I love twists. 756 00:28:20,699 --> 00:28:21,992 Miriam, is that you? 757 00:28:22,034 --> 00:28:23,911 -I can barely hear you. -Miriam's on the phone? 758 00:28:23,953 --> 00:28:25,329 I forgot about the baby shower. 759 00:28:25,371 --> 00:28:28,040 -Did you? I hadn't noticed. -MIDGE: Oh, God. 760 00:28:28,082 --> 00:28:30,292 I am so sorry. I-I must've gotten the dates mixed up. 761 00:28:30,334 --> 00:28:31,710 I've been so busy getting ready for the tour, 762 00:28:31,752 --> 00:28:33,003 and then Papa said "potato salad." 763 00:28:33,045 --> 00:28:35,464 I'm so sorry. It's today. 764 00:28:35,506 --> 00:28:37,007 -ROSE: Where are you? -MIDGE: A pay phone 765 00:28:37,049 --> 00:28:38,968 -in Pennsylvania. -She's not gonna make it? 766 00:28:39,009 --> 00:28:40,928 -ROSE: Apparently not. -Wait. 767 00:28:40,970 --> 00:28:42,430 Wait, it's still happening without me? 768 00:28:42,471 --> 00:28:43,973 You're right. We should reschedule. 769 00:28:44,014 --> 00:28:45,182 I'm sure Imogene can cross her legs 770 00:28:45,224 --> 00:28:47,017 -and hold it in. -She's not coming? 771 00:28:47,059 --> 00:28:49,019 -I'm sure there's a good reason. -ARCHIE: Can you tell Imogene? 772 00:28:49,061 --> 00:28:50,980 I'll wait here behind the table. And Donny. 773 00:28:51,021 --> 00:28:52,690 -Put Papa on. -Abe? 774 00:28:52,731 --> 00:28:54,942 Hold on, let me finish this. 775 00:28:54,984 --> 00:28:56,819 So, Mr. Bemis is the sole survivor 776 00:28:56,861 --> 00:28:58,070 because he was in the vault, 777 00:28:58,112 --> 00:29:00,197 and for the first time, he's lonely. 778 00:29:00,239 --> 00:29:03,033 Burgess Meredith plays this with a lot of pathos. 779 00:29:03,075 --> 00:29:06,579 But then he finds the ruins of the library. 780 00:29:06,620 --> 00:29:08,998 -ROSE: Abe. -ABE: Mr. Bemis is overjoyed at the sight 781 00:29:09,039 --> 00:29:11,417 of all the books with all the time in the world to read. 782 00:29:11,459 --> 00:29:13,627 -But then... -Does he break his glasses? 783 00:29:13,669 --> 00:29:15,546 And there's no one to fix 'em. 784 00:29:15,588 --> 00:29:17,756 You made a big deal about his glasses before. 785 00:29:17,798 --> 00:29:20,176 Is that right? (chuckles) That's great. 786 00:29:24,346 --> 00:29:26,307 -Hello? -Papa, why didn't you tell me 787 00:29:26,348 --> 00:29:28,767 -they were setting up for Imogene's shower? -I did. 788 00:29:28,809 --> 00:29:30,769 You said it was the garden club. 789 00:29:30,811 --> 00:29:32,688 No, you said it was the garden club. 790 00:29:32,730 --> 00:29:35,357 -Put me on speakerphone, please. -Why? 791 00:29:35,399 --> 00:29:37,735 Take me to the living room and put me on speakerphone. 792 00:29:39,778 --> 00:29:41,780 Hello? Am I on? 793 00:29:41,822 --> 00:29:43,699 It's working. Explain yourself. 794 00:29:43,741 --> 00:29:45,367 Hi, everyone. 795 00:29:45,409 --> 00:29:48,412 -ALL: Hi. -Imogene, can you hear me okay? 796 00:29:48,454 --> 00:29:50,498 -Yes, Midge. -You sound far away. 797 00:29:50,539 --> 00:29:52,458 I'm not. You are. 798 00:29:52,500 --> 00:29:55,503 Honey, I am so sorry. I'm here in Pennsylvania, 799 00:29:55,544 --> 00:29:58,714 and I'm stuck, and I have no excuse. 800 00:29:58,756 --> 00:30:00,424 -And I want everyone to hear it. -Whoa. 801 00:30:00,466 --> 00:30:02,801 I am a terrible person, but I want you all to know 802 00:30:02,843 --> 00:30:05,971 -I am sorry, and I love my friend Imogene. -(horse neighs) 803 00:30:06,013 --> 00:30:07,681 You're not a terrible person, Midge. 804 00:30:07,723 --> 00:30:09,517 MIDGE: I am. I am terrible, 805 00:30:09,558 --> 00:30:10,893 and I just have to live with that. 806 00:30:10,935 --> 00:30:13,020 -But I hope you liked the cupcakes. -IMOGENE: I did. 807 00:30:13,062 --> 00:30:14,939 And the little sugar babies on top. 808 00:30:14,980 --> 00:30:17,650 -A little creepy eating babies, but delicious. -MIDGE: Good. 809 00:30:17,691 --> 00:30:20,069 Oh, your present. Imogene, you should get your present. 810 00:30:20,110 --> 00:30:21,529 -That's okay. -No, it's in my bedroom, 811 00:30:21,570 --> 00:30:22,863 but I didn't have a chance to wrap it yet. 812 00:30:22,905 --> 00:30:24,823 There's a Bendel's bag. Run and get it. 813 00:30:24,865 --> 00:30:27,660 -She's not supposed to run. -No, I didn't mean she should run. 814 00:30:27,701 --> 00:30:29,078 I'll get it when you're back. 815 00:30:29,119 --> 00:30:30,412 Take a picture for me, Archie? 816 00:30:30,454 --> 00:30:31,789 I didn't bring my camera. 817 00:30:31,830 --> 00:30:33,999 MIDGE: Borrow my father's. 818 00:30:35,334 --> 00:30:37,086 Uh, well, I guess I... 819 00:30:37,127 --> 00:30:38,837 shouldn't hold up the party any longer. 820 00:30:38,879 --> 00:30:40,631 Everybody go back to having fun. 821 00:30:40,673 --> 00:30:42,132 Bye, Midge. 822 00:30:42,174 --> 00:30:44,802 And, Midge, it's beautiful. 823 00:30:44,843 --> 00:30:48,514 I'm glad. Bye, everyone. 824 00:30:48,556 --> 00:30:50,599 ALL: Bye. 825 00:30:55,563 --> 00:30:57,523 (thunder rumbling) 826 00:31:01,569 --> 00:31:03,445 Hey! Hey! What are you doing? 827 00:31:03,487 --> 00:31:05,447 -There's a storm. -So what? 828 00:31:05,489 --> 00:31:07,783 She has a gig here tonight. This is Mrs. Maisel. 829 00:31:07,825 --> 00:31:09,285 -You're the singer? -No. 830 00:31:09,326 --> 00:31:10,828 -She's the comedian. -Well, sorry. 831 00:31:10,869 --> 00:31:12,246 No one's showing up in this weather. 832 00:31:12,288 --> 00:31:14,373 There's a 50% chance the roof'll cave in. 833 00:31:14,415 --> 00:31:16,959 Call me. We'll rebook for next week. 834 00:31:17,001 --> 00:31:18,877 Sure, we're in Harrisburg all the time. 835 00:31:18,919 --> 00:31:21,380 Can't get enough of that Civil War Museum. Hey! 836 00:31:21,422 --> 00:31:23,632 -Crap. -Susie. 837 00:31:23,674 --> 00:31:26,010 -What? -It's raining. 838 00:31:26,051 --> 00:31:28,971 (Susie groans) 839 00:31:29,013 --> 00:31:30,931 How does he know no one's coming? 840 00:31:30,973 --> 00:31:32,808 He's an idiot. That's how he knows. 841 00:31:32,850 --> 00:31:34,268 He knows nothing. 842 00:31:34,310 --> 00:31:36,604 Well, then let's stop dealing with idiots. 843 00:31:36,645 --> 00:31:39,148 Everyone in this idiotic business is an idiot. 844 00:31:39,189 --> 00:31:40,566 You ever meet someone in show business 845 00:31:40,608 --> 00:31:42,234 who's not an idiot, then they're an asshole. 846 00:31:42,276 --> 00:31:44,153 It's a business of idiots and assholes. 847 00:31:44,194 --> 00:31:47,156 I could've gone to the shower. Goddamn it. 848 00:31:47,197 --> 00:31:49,408 Let's go. 849 00:31:49,450 --> 00:31:52,870 -(ignition sputtering) -Oh, come on. 850 00:31:52,911 --> 00:31:54,955 You ever read the Book of Job? 851 00:31:54,997 --> 00:31:58,000 My mom read it to me every year on my birthday. 852 00:31:59,585 --> 00:32:02,421 -You can put your ass down now. -Why? 853 00:32:02,463 --> 00:32:04,423 This car isn't going anywhere. 854 00:32:04,465 --> 00:32:06,592 Great. 855 00:32:06,634 --> 00:32:09,345 Well, motel's probably foul, anyway. 856 00:32:09,386 --> 00:32:11,513 This was a big screwup, Susie. 857 00:32:11,555 --> 00:32:14,933 Hey, I didn't force that guy to close his club. 858 00:32:14,975 --> 00:32:16,894 I didn't break the wiper, 859 00:32:16,935 --> 00:32:19,021 and I definitely didn't make it rain. 860 00:32:19,063 --> 00:32:20,773 So what now? 861 00:32:20,814 --> 00:32:23,442 Walk to the motel? 862 00:32:23,484 --> 00:32:25,486 Sure. 863 00:32:26,987 --> 00:32:30,032 Although we are out of money. 864 00:32:34,703 --> 00:32:36,705 (thunder rumbling) 865 00:32:43,462 --> 00:32:46,131 (car horns honking) 866 00:32:49,301 --> 00:32:51,011 We'd have beaten the traffic if you knew 867 00:32:51,053 --> 00:32:52,888 how to read a stinkin' map. 868 00:32:52,930 --> 00:32:55,140 We'd have beaten the traffic if you had woken us up earlier. 869 00:32:55,182 --> 00:32:56,975 What am I, a fucking rooster? 870 00:32:57,017 --> 00:32:58,602 -(horn honks) -(man shouting) 871 00:32:58,644 --> 00:33:00,187 What do you want me to do, asshole? 872 00:33:00,229 --> 00:33:02,606 Half of Jersey is parked in front of me! 873 00:33:02,648 --> 00:33:05,401 God, it's like I have a twin who's a middle-aged whore. 874 00:33:05,442 --> 00:33:08,153 Hey. I need it to see. 875 00:33:08,195 --> 00:33:09,738 We're gonna die in this tunnel. 876 00:33:09,780 --> 00:33:11,407 Good. Something to look forward to. 877 00:33:11,448 --> 00:33:13,450 No time to shower. What do I do? 878 00:33:13,492 --> 00:33:15,494 You're a comic, not Miss America. 879 00:33:15,536 --> 00:33:17,329 Just go on stage looking like shit. 880 00:33:17,371 --> 00:33:19,039 Oh, so now I look like shit? 881 00:33:19,081 --> 00:33:20,666 What, are we married all of a sudden? 882 00:33:20,708 --> 00:33:23,544 You're my manager, you're supposed to care how I look. 883 00:33:23,585 --> 00:33:25,212 Wait, wait, Miriam. Look, look. 884 00:33:25,254 --> 00:33:27,005 We're out of Jersey. 885 00:33:27,047 --> 00:33:29,341 -We are? -That's the line; we crossed the line. 886 00:33:29,383 --> 00:33:30,926 -We're in New York. -We're in New York. 887 00:33:30,968 --> 00:33:32,511 We're in New York. We're in New York. 888 00:33:32,553 --> 00:33:33,929 Take that, assholes! 889 00:33:33,971 --> 00:33:35,681 We are back in New York City! 890 00:33:35,723 --> 00:33:38,183 -WOMAN: Shut up! -(man shouting) 891 00:33:38,225 --> 00:33:39,601 Mm. 892 00:33:39,643 --> 00:33:42,271 We will die of old age in this tunnel. 893 00:33:42,312 --> 00:33:45,691 At least place of death won't be New Jersey. 894 00:33:45,733 --> 00:33:47,192 ♪ ♪ 895 00:33:51,405 --> 00:33:52,906 -You, where's Ricky? -Manager? 896 00:33:52,948 --> 00:33:54,199 -Yes, yes. -By the bar. 897 00:33:54,241 --> 00:33:55,451 It's a two dollar cover tonight. 898 00:33:55,492 --> 00:33:56,952 -We're talent! -The what? 899 00:33:56,994 --> 00:33:58,412 I'm-I'm one of the comedians tonight. 900 00:33:58,454 --> 00:33:59,705 Mrs. Maisel? 901 00:33:59,747 --> 00:34:01,206 We got caught in this horrible traffic, 902 00:34:01,248 --> 00:34:02,624 almost ran out of gas in the Holland Tunnel. 903 00:34:02,666 --> 00:34:03,917 Is there a place where I can... 904 00:34:03,959 --> 00:34:05,544 -Stop talking. Move. -Hey. 905 00:34:05,586 --> 00:34:06,837 Susie Myerson. Mrs. Maisel. 906 00:34:06,879 --> 00:34:08,088 You're late! 907 00:34:08,130 --> 00:34:10,007 We got stuck in the Holland Tunnel. 908 00:34:10,048 --> 00:34:11,759 -Hey. -Maisel. Talent. 909 00:34:11,800 --> 00:34:12,926 -Drink. -I need a mirror. 910 00:34:12,968 --> 00:34:14,136 You look great. 911 00:34:14,178 --> 00:34:16,180 -I should change. -No time. 912 00:34:16,221 --> 00:34:17,639 -Get right to the good stuff. -Mm-hmm. 913 00:34:17,681 --> 00:34:19,266 Hit 'em hard and fast. 914 00:34:19,308 --> 00:34:20,851 Good? (grunts) 915 00:34:20,893 --> 00:34:22,895 Tits up. 916 00:34:22,936 --> 00:34:25,272 Hey there, ladies and gentlemen. 917 00:34:25,314 --> 00:34:28,484 What the fuck am I doing? Go. 918 00:34:28,525 --> 00:34:31,153 Just fucking clap. 919 00:34:33,989 --> 00:34:36,033 Magda Goebbels, ladies and gentlemen. 920 00:34:36,074 --> 00:34:37,910 Poisoned her dogs and all six of her children 921 00:34:37,951 --> 00:34:40,370 in honor of the Fuhrer, but now hiding in Manhattan 922 00:34:40,412 --> 00:34:42,581 and giving stand-up comedy management a go. 923 00:34:42,623 --> 00:34:44,082 Thank you, Magda. 924 00:34:45,834 --> 00:34:47,795 So, how ya doing? 925 00:34:47,836 --> 00:34:49,880 How am I doing? How do I look like I'm doing? 926 00:34:49,922 --> 00:34:52,841 I'm fucking exhausted. And sore. 927 00:34:52,883 --> 00:34:55,552 And late-- I don't mean "my time of the month." 928 00:34:55,594 --> 00:34:58,263 Although I'd prefer an unplanned pregnancy 929 00:34:58,305 --> 00:35:00,724 -to the day I just had. -(laughter) 930 00:35:00,766 --> 00:35:03,060 We almost ran out of gas in the Holland Tunnel. 931 00:35:03,101 --> 00:35:05,521 That would've been fun. As if people coming from Jersey 932 00:35:05,562 --> 00:35:07,314 need something else to be angry about. 933 00:35:07,356 --> 00:35:10,067 So I can't tell you how good it is to be back... 934 00:35:10,108 --> 00:35:11,860 -(Susie snoring on tape) -Shit. 935 00:35:11,902 --> 00:35:13,487 Shit! 936 00:35:13,529 --> 00:35:14,571 (snoring continues) 937 00:35:14,613 --> 00:35:16,365 Shit. 938 00:35:16,406 --> 00:35:19,827 -Professional comedy. -(laughter) 939 00:35:19,868 --> 00:35:23,163 I'm really glad to be back in New York City, my home. 940 00:35:23,205 --> 00:35:26,416 Where I have so many friends... who hate me. 941 00:35:26,458 --> 00:35:29,711 So much family... who are disappointed in me. 942 00:35:29,753 --> 00:35:34,049 Where my children live... until they abandon me. 943 00:35:34,091 --> 00:35:35,467 That's why New York is so great, though. 944 00:35:35,509 --> 00:35:36,927 Everyone you care about can despise you 945 00:35:36,969 --> 00:35:38,428 and you can still find a bagel so good, 946 00:35:38,470 --> 00:35:40,180 nothing else matters. 947 00:35:40,222 --> 00:35:41,598 Who needs love when you've got lox? 948 00:35:41,640 --> 00:35:43,392 They both stink but only one tastes good. 949 00:35:43,433 --> 00:35:45,644 (laughter) 950 00:35:45,686 --> 00:35:48,105 Ladies and gentlemen, fellow assholes, 951 00:35:48,146 --> 00:35:50,315 you've been awfully nice to come home to. 952 00:35:50,357 --> 00:35:51,817 I'm Mrs. Maisel. 953 00:35:51,859 --> 00:35:54,403 Thank you and good night. 954 00:35:54,444 --> 00:35:56,446 (cheering and applause) 955 00:36:00,868 --> 00:36:02,327 Hey, what were those weird animal noises 956 00:36:02,369 --> 00:36:04,037 on the tape recorder? 957 00:36:04,079 --> 00:36:05,622 Can we just settle up? It's been a rough fucking week. 958 00:36:05,664 --> 00:36:07,165 Yeah, we all had a rough week. 959 00:36:07,207 --> 00:36:08,792 Thanks for auditioning; I'll pay ya next time. 960 00:36:08,834 --> 00:36:10,669 Whoa, whoa, whoa. This wasn't an audition. 961 00:36:10,711 --> 00:36:12,629 Are we ready to go? Please say we're ready to go. 962 00:36:12,671 --> 00:36:14,464 -He's not paying us. -What? 963 00:36:14,506 --> 00:36:16,216 Prick Rick. He's not paying us. 964 00:36:16,258 --> 00:36:17,509 He has to pay us. We have a contract. 965 00:36:17,551 --> 00:36:18,886 We don't have a contract. 966 00:36:18,927 --> 00:36:20,679 Why don't we have a contract? 967 00:36:20,721 --> 00:36:22,931 Because you're doing comedy, not rezoning the building. 968 00:36:22,973 --> 00:36:24,266 He owes us money. 969 00:36:24,308 --> 00:36:26,018 And I really, really need to shower. 970 00:36:26,059 --> 00:36:27,853 -Yeah. No shit. -Fuck you. 971 00:36:27,895 --> 00:36:29,771 Wait here. 972 00:36:32,024 --> 00:36:34,526 Hey, tough guy, you pay the guys and you don't pay the girls? 973 00:36:34,568 --> 00:36:36,153 Listen, you were late, and no one was drinking. 974 00:36:36,194 --> 00:36:37,821 How do you think we make our money? 975 00:36:37,863 --> 00:36:40,115 -Everybody was drinking. -And it wasn't a bar deal. 976 00:36:40,157 --> 00:36:41,450 Next time. Go home. 977 00:36:41,491 --> 00:36:43,118 -Clean up. -Hey. 978 00:36:43,160 --> 00:36:44,661 -Stay here. -Susie, wait. 979 00:36:44,703 --> 00:36:46,288 We are not leaving without our money. 980 00:36:46,330 --> 00:36:48,582 Stay here and watch the tape recorder. 981 00:36:50,208 --> 00:36:52,419 Shit. 982 00:36:59,217 --> 00:37:01,011 -Susie? -SUSIE (muffled): Hey. -(doorknob rattling) 983 00:37:01,053 --> 00:37:02,304 Susie, where are you? 984 00:37:02,346 --> 00:37:05,307 -I'm in the janitor's closet. -Did you get the money? 985 00:37:05,349 --> 00:37:07,559 Oh, yeah, I'm in here counting it right now. 986 00:37:07,601 --> 00:37:10,479 -Really? -No. What's wrong with you? 987 00:37:10,520 --> 00:37:12,314 I'm tired, that's what's wrong with me. 988 00:37:12,356 --> 00:37:13,565 How did you get in there? 989 00:37:13,607 --> 00:37:15,025 That psycho shoved me in. 990 00:37:15,067 --> 00:37:17,152 Unlock the door. 991 00:37:17,194 --> 00:37:19,738 I-I think you need a key. 992 00:37:19,780 --> 00:37:21,323 I'm gonna kick his nuts so hard 993 00:37:21,365 --> 00:37:22,866 they're gonna be popping out of his nose. 994 00:37:22,908 --> 00:37:25,202 -I'm calling the police. -What are you, an idiot? 995 00:37:25,243 --> 00:37:26,912 You don't call cops to come to a nightclub. 996 00:37:26,954 --> 00:37:29,081 Just give me a minute to think. 997 00:37:31,541 --> 00:37:33,168 That wasn't a minute. 998 00:37:35,337 --> 00:37:37,422 Ow! Fuck! 999 00:37:37,464 --> 00:37:41,009 I did the gig. We were late, but I killed. 1000 00:37:41,051 --> 00:37:42,844 And the asshole just won't pay us. 1001 00:37:42,886 --> 00:37:44,513 Because he's an asshole. 1002 00:37:44,554 --> 00:37:47,349 And I kicked a door and I can't leave without Susie. 1003 00:37:47,391 --> 00:37:48,767 So I'm stuck. 1004 00:37:48,809 --> 00:37:51,311 And I stink, and I scuffed my shoe, 1005 00:37:51,353 --> 00:37:54,690 and I broke my toe and I want my goddamn money. 1006 00:37:54,731 --> 00:37:56,483 -What's this asshole's name? -Susie. 1007 00:37:56,525 --> 00:37:58,735 I know Susie; I meant the other asshole. 1008 00:37:58,777 --> 00:38:00,779 -Ricky. -Ricky! 1009 00:38:00,821 --> 00:38:02,239 Hey, Ricky! 1010 00:38:02,280 --> 00:38:04,366 -MIDGE: That's him. -What's this? 1011 00:38:04,408 --> 00:38:06,451 -You locked her manager in a closet? -What? 1012 00:38:06,493 --> 00:38:08,120 No. It was a joke. 1013 00:38:08,161 --> 00:38:10,080 Lighten up. We're in the comedy business, man. 1014 00:38:10,122 --> 00:38:11,665 -Let her out. -Sheesh. 1015 00:38:11,707 --> 00:38:13,709 No sense of humor. 1016 00:38:22,217 --> 00:38:24,219 -JOEL: Are you all right? -Yeah. 1017 00:38:24,261 --> 00:38:26,513 -Did he do that? -What? This? 1018 00:38:26,555 --> 00:38:29,099 -Oh, no. The bed ate me. See... -I don't want to know. 1019 00:38:29,141 --> 00:38:30,392 Now pay them. 1020 00:38:30,434 --> 00:38:32,144 -She was late. -Ten minutes. 1021 00:38:32,185 --> 00:38:33,687 Doesn't matter. Pay her what you owe her. 1022 00:38:33,729 --> 00:38:35,814 So you're her manager. 1023 00:38:35,856 --> 00:38:37,190 I'm her manager, Ricky. You know that. 1024 00:38:37,232 --> 00:38:38,900 -So who are you? -JOEL: What's it matter? 1025 00:38:38,942 --> 00:38:40,318 I like to know who I'm talking to. 1026 00:38:40,360 --> 00:38:41,361 -JOEL: I'm her husband. -Her husband? 1027 00:38:41,403 --> 00:38:43,363 Well, why the fuck don't you keep her... 1028 00:38:43,405 --> 00:38:44,614 MIDGE: Joel. 1029 00:38:44,656 --> 00:38:45,866 Wherever that sentence was going, 1030 00:38:45,907 --> 00:38:47,075 it was gonna end up like that anyway. 1031 00:38:47,117 --> 00:38:48,493 A whole new light, pal. 1032 00:38:48,535 --> 00:38:49,619 Now pay her what you owe her. 1033 00:38:49,661 --> 00:38:51,288 Fine. 1034 00:38:51,329 --> 00:38:53,540 You're lucky I don't sue you. 1035 00:38:55,459 --> 00:38:57,878 MAN: Hey, your nose is bleeding. 1036 00:38:57,919 --> 00:38:59,379 I miss something here? 1037 00:38:59,421 --> 00:39:00,756 -You the owner? -Yeah. 1038 00:39:00,797 --> 00:39:02,466 You let guys like that run your business? 1039 00:39:02,507 --> 00:39:04,926 -He's my sister's kid. -Family's nice. 1040 00:39:04,968 --> 00:39:06,511 Doesn't mean he can run your business. 1041 00:39:06,553 --> 00:39:09,181 Get some people working for you who respect the talent. 1042 00:39:09,222 --> 00:39:11,308 That's talent. 1043 00:39:11,349 --> 00:39:13,560 She could put this shithole on the map someday. 1044 00:39:13,602 --> 00:39:15,395 Wake the fuck up. 1045 00:39:18,482 --> 00:39:21,568 Yeah, and you also have to buy your janitor a new plunger. 1046 00:39:21,610 --> 00:39:25,238 The one in there is old and sad and lost its suction. 1047 00:39:25,280 --> 00:39:27,199 Sure. 1048 00:39:27,240 --> 00:39:29,076 -Is it all there? -Yup. 1049 00:39:29,117 --> 00:39:31,953 Nice doing business with you. 1050 00:39:31,995 --> 00:39:34,664 MIDGE: You got to teach me how to do that one day. 1051 00:39:42,798 --> 00:39:44,925 I'm gonna grab a cab home. 1052 00:39:44,966 --> 00:39:46,593 You want me to drop you? 1053 00:39:46,635 --> 00:39:49,096 No. I started this road trip with Susie 1054 00:39:49,137 --> 00:39:50,722 and I kind of want to finish it with her. 1055 00:39:50,764 --> 00:39:52,808 Thank you, Joel. 1056 00:39:52,849 --> 00:39:54,559 Anytime. 1057 00:40:00,649 --> 00:40:02,484 You didn't have to call him. 1058 00:40:02,526 --> 00:40:06,404 Unfortunately, sometimes to make things work in a man's world, 1059 00:40:06,446 --> 00:40:08,365 you need a man. 1060 00:40:08,406 --> 00:40:09,908 That's just the way it is, Susie. 1061 00:40:09,950 --> 00:40:11,743 I would have found a way to take care of it. 1062 00:40:11,785 --> 00:40:14,037 You may be some kind of damsel in distress, but I'm not. 1063 00:40:14,079 --> 00:40:17,082 No, you were a damsel in di-closet. 1064 00:40:19,918 --> 00:40:21,419 Someday. 1065 00:40:21,461 --> 00:40:24,089 Yeah. Someday. 1066 00:40:24,131 --> 00:40:25,674 Your commission. 1067 00:40:25,715 --> 00:40:27,551 Thanks. 1068 00:40:30,595 --> 00:40:31,763 You're counting it? Really? 1069 00:40:31,805 --> 00:40:33,640 Force of habit. 1070 00:40:48,446 --> 00:40:50,907 What the...? 1071 00:40:55,787 --> 00:40:57,789 (footsteps approaching) 1072 00:41:00,542 --> 00:41:02,085 How was Pennsylvania? 1073 00:41:02,127 --> 00:41:04,462 -Mama, what happened? -What happened? 1074 00:41:04,504 --> 00:41:05,714 There was a baby shower. 1075 00:41:05,755 --> 00:41:07,424 Did you forget again? 1076 00:41:07,465 --> 00:41:09,426 Should we have you checked out by a doctor? 1077 00:41:09,467 --> 00:41:12,012 But it was yesterday. 1078 00:41:12,053 --> 00:41:14,973 -I mean, where's Zelda? -Zelda? 1079 00:41:15,015 --> 00:41:17,976 Oh, no. It's your mess. 1080 00:41:18,018 --> 00:41:19,895 Good night. 1081 00:41:27,485 --> 00:41:29,487 ("Someday" by The Strokes playing) 1082 00:41:36,369 --> 00:41:38,413 ♪ ♪ 1083 00:41:44,586 --> 00:41:47,422 ♪ In many ways ♪ 1084 00:41:47,464 --> 00:41:49,674 ♪ Still miss the good old days ♪ 1085 00:41:49,716 --> 00:41:53,637 ♪ Someday, someday ♪ 1086 00:41:53,678 --> 00:41:56,223 ♪ Yeah, it hurts to say ♪ 1087 00:41:56,264 --> 00:41:58,892 ♪ But I want you to stay ♪ 1088 00:41:58,934 --> 00:42:02,854 ♪ Sometimes, sometimes ♪ 1089 00:42:02,896 --> 00:42:05,440 ♪ When we was young ♪ 1090 00:42:05,482 --> 00:42:07,817 ♪ Oh, man, did we have fun ♪ 1091 00:42:07,859 --> 00:42:12,530 ♪ Always, always ♪ 1092 00:42:12,572 --> 00:42:14,532 ♪ Promises ♪ 1093 00:42:14,574 --> 00:42:16,910 ♪ They break before they're made ♪ 1094 00:42:16,952 --> 00:42:21,039 ♪ Sometimes, sometimes ♪ 1095 00:42:21,081 --> 00:42:25,669 ♪ Oh, my ex says I'm lacking in depth ♪ 1096 00:42:25,710 --> 00:42:30,340 ♪ I will do my best ♪ 1097 00:42:30,382 --> 00:42:34,844 ♪ You say you want to stay by my side ♪ 1098 00:42:34,886 --> 00:42:39,057 ♪ Darling, your head's not right ♪ 1099 00:42:39,099 --> 00:42:40,892 ♪ I say, alone we stand ♪ 1100 00:42:40,934 --> 00:42:43,186 ♪ Together, we fall apart ♪ 1101 00:42:43,228 --> 00:42:48,024 ♪ Yeah, I think I'll be all right ♪ 1102 00:42:48,066 --> 00:42:52,779 ♪ I'm working so I won't have to try so hard ♪ 1103 00:42:52,821 --> 00:42:56,408 ♪ Tables, they turn sometimes ♪ 1104 00:42:56,449 --> 00:42:59,452 ♪ Oh, someday ♪ 1105 00:42:59,494 --> 00:43:02,414 ♪ ♪ 1106 00:43:02,455 --> 00:43:07,252 ♪ Now, I ain't wasting no more time ♪ 1107 00:43:07,294 --> 00:43:09,296 ♪ ♪ 1108 00:43:17,762 --> 00:43:20,265 ♪ Ooh ♪ 1109 00:43:20,307 --> 00:43:24,019 ♪ Trying, trying. ♪