1 00:00:11,929 --> 00:00:14,682 (children shouting in distance) 2 00:00:24,316 --> 00:00:25,985 MIDGE: Morning. I'm so happy 3 00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:27,445 you agreed to stay here while my parents are gone. 4 00:00:27,486 --> 00:00:29,029 I really believe if Harry Drake's goons 5 00:00:29,071 --> 00:00:30,948 can't find you, they may just forget about you. 6 00:00:30,990 --> 00:00:32,908 Anyhow, some rules you need to follow. 7 00:00:32,950 --> 00:00:35,161 Rule number one: no eating in the living room. 8 00:00:35,202 --> 00:00:37,496 Rule number two: touch nothing pink. 9 00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:38,831 Rule number three... 10 00:00:38,873 --> 00:00:41,751 Rule number 38: do not touch Papa's robe. 11 00:00:43,794 --> 00:00:45,504 (sighs) 12 00:00:53,512 --> 00:00:55,306 (water running) 13 00:01:00,144 --> 00:01:02,146 (playing classical music) 14 00:01:07,026 --> 00:01:09,862 (repeats phrase) 15 00:01:09,904 --> 00:01:12,448 (playing single note repeatedly) 16 00:01:12,490 --> 00:01:14,617 (pitch adjusting) 17 00:01:18,662 --> 00:01:20,247 REDD FOXX: In the third place, ain't nobody can eat 18 00:01:20,289 --> 00:01:23,334 -that much ice cream. -(laughs) 19 00:01:23,375 --> 00:01:25,377 (crying) 20 00:01:35,137 --> 00:01:37,139 (indistinct chatter over TV) 21 00:01:41,143 --> 00:01:42,853 Shit. 22 00:01:56,367 --> 00:02:00,454 Eighteen and a half. 23 00:02:00,496 --> 00:02:03,332 Such a tiny fucking thigh. 24 00:02:03,374 --> 00:02:05,084 B. Altman. Where may I direct your call? 25 00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:06,919 -I will connect you. -Hey. 26 00:02:06,961 --> 00:02:09,338 -Oh, do you read? -Occasionally. 27 00:02:09,380 --> 00:02:11,006 B. Altman. Where may I direct your call? 28 00:02:11,048 --> 00:02:12,800 -I will connect you. -So, I'm looking through 29 00:02:12,842 --> 00:02:14,718 the Village Voice, just perusing the headlines, 30 00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:16,095 and look what I see. 31 00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:17,596 Well, you need to turn it toward me 32 00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:19,098 -so I can... -"Susie Myerson, the manager 33 00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:21,809 "of the underground phenom comedienne Mrs. Maisel, 34 00:02:21,851 --> 00:02:24,019 says she's gonna be bigger than Totie Fields." 35 00:02:24,061 --> 00:02:25,855 -Wait, what are you read... Ah, shoot. -(gasps) 36 00:02:25,896 --> 00:02:27,189 B. Altman. Where may I direct your call? 37 00:02:27,231 --> 00:02:28,816 Isn't that crazy? Mrs. Maisel? 38 00:02:28,858 --> 00:02:31,026 -I mean, you're Mrs. Maisel. -Hold, please. 39 00:02:31,068 --> 00:02:33,445 -Can I...? -This comedian has the same name as you. 40 00:02:33,487 --> 00:02:36,115 B. Altman. Where... Oh, sorry. I thought I did. 41 00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:38,158 -I will connect you. -The world is so small. 42 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:40,452 I feel like I should be able to subway to China. 43 00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:43,080 -Do you know her? -I don't think so. 44 00:02:43,122 --> 00:02:44,748 -Is there a picture? -No picture. 45 00:02:44,790 --> 00:02:46,625 You could be related. She could be your cousin. 46 00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:49,628 Or your mother. Is your mother a comedienne? 47 00:02:49,670 --> 00:02:51,755 -(laughs): Wouldn't that be a scandal? -Hmm. 48 00:02:51,797 --> 00:02:54,258 Oops. I guess all those flashing lights are for me. 49 00:02:54,300 --> 00:02:56,010 B. Altman. Where may I direct your call? 50 00:02:56,051 --> 00:02:58,053 -Ginger! -Here. 51 00:02:58,095 --> 00:02:59,638 I will connect you. 52 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:01,307 GINGER: B. Altman. Where may I direct your call? 53 00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:03,058 I will connect you. 54 00:03:03,100 --> 00:03:05,436 -(door closes) -Zelda? 55 00:03:05,477 --> 00:03:07,938 -(footfalls approaching) -I ate the strudel, and it was awesome. 56 00:03:07,980 --> 00:03:10,608 Who are you? 57 00:03:10,649 --> 00:03:11,984 -I... -What are you doing here? 58 00:03:12,026 --> 00:03:13,444 -I... -Why are you in the bathtub? 59 00:03:13,485 --> 00:03:14,820 Wait, I know this one. 60 00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:16,113 I don't know you. You don't live here. 61 00:03:16,155 --> 00:03:17,406 -Are you a burglar? -Uh... 62 00:03:17,448 --> 00:03:18,782 Did you break in here to steal jewelry 63 00:03:18,824 --> 00:03:20,534 and then decide it would be funny to take a bath? 64 00:03:20,576 --> 00:03:23,037 You look like Zelda but younger. Are you Zelda but younger? 65 00:03:23,078 --> 00:03:25,372 No, I'm not. I'm an actual friend 66 00:03:25,414 --> 00:03:27,541 of the people who live here, and I am going to call the cops 67 00:03:27,583 --> 00:03:29,501 if you don't tell me who you are and what you are doing 68 00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:31,587 -in this apartment. -I know... 69 00:03:31,629 --> 00:03:35,215 the short... brunette... 70 00:03:35,257 --> 00:03:36,759 Midge? You're a friend of Midge? 71 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:38,886 I know all her friends, and I have never seen you before ever. 72 00:03:38,928 --> 00:03:40,220 Where do you know Midge from? Where? 73 00:03:40,262 --> 00:03:41,722 -The club. -What club? 74 00:03:41,764 --> 00:03:42,932 -The... -Do not mumble. 75 00:03:42,973 --> 00:03:44,224 The Gaslight. 76 00:03:44,266 --> 00:03:46,894 The downtown dumpy, sticky place? 77 00:03:46,936 --> 00:03:49,355 That still does not explain why you are here in that bathtub, 78 00:03:49,396 --> 00:03:50,814 which is way too full of bubbles, by the way. 79 00:03:50,856 --> 00:03:52,232 You don't need to use the entire bottle. 80 00:03:52,274 --> 00:03:53,692 That's just overkill! 81 00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:55,235 I'm sorry. I'm having a little trouble 82 00:03:55,277 --> 00:03:56,528 focusing here right now. 83 00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:58,948 (chuckles): I'm very high, 84 00:03:58,989 --> 00:04:01,033 and there's just a lot of words 85 00:04:01,075 --> 00:04:03,327 coming from a little, yellow light source, 86 00:04:03,369 --> 00:04:05,621 -and it's freaking me out. -(door closes) 87 00:04:05,663 --> 00:04:07,873 It feels like a flower's yelling at me. 88 00:04:07,915 --> 00:04:09,375 IMOGENE: Midge. 89 00:04:09,416 --> 00:04:11,627 -Thank God. -Imogene, what are you doing here? 90 00:04:11,669 --> 00:04:13,212 Who is this thing in your bathtub? 91 00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:15,047 Oh, th-that's, uh... 92 00:04:15,089 --> 00:04:17,341 Why don't we go in the kitchen? I'll explain everything. 93 00:04:17,383 --> 00:04:18,926 You stay there. 94 00:04:18,968 --> 00:04:21,679 Where the fuck am I gonna go? 95 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:23,222 -What are you doing here? -What am I doing here? 96 00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:24,598 -What am I doing here? -I just mean... 97 00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:26,141 I came to talk to you, and I found that 98 00:04:26,183 --> 00:04:27,851 sitting in the tub like a big potato in a soup pot. 99 00:04:27,893 --> 00:04:29,144 Her name is Susie, 100 00:04:29,186 --> 00:04:30,854 and her apartment is getting fumigated. 101 00:04:30,896 --> 00:04:32,815 She says she knows you from the club. 102 00:04:32,856 --> 00:04:34,566 Yes. When Joel would play there. 103 00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:36,276 Uh, maybe we could talk about this later. 104 00:04:36,318 --> 00:04:38,153 I haven't heard word one from you in weeks, 105 00:04:38,195 --> 00:04:39,571 and now you're trying to get me to leave? 106 00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:41,740 You were in Iowa for the holidays. 107 00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:43,784 Joel quit his job. Did you know that? 108 00:04:43,826 --> 00:04:45,869 -What? -Right in the middle of their big presentation. 109 00:04:45,911 --> 00:04:48,038 He just walked in with all the top brass sitting there 110 00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:50,332 and the fancy chart that I helped Archie make, and he quit. 111 00:04:50,374 --> 00:04:52,042 -Oh. -Why didn't you call to warn me? 112 00:04:52,084 --> 00:04:53,711 Well, you were in Iowa. 113 00:04:53,752 --> 00:04:55,587 Stop using Iowa as an excuse for everything. 114 00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:57,923 My family may be dairy farmers, but they have a phone. 115 00:04:57,965 --> 00:04:59,883 I didn't know that he was going to quit. 116 00:04:59,925 --> 00:05:00,926 How could you not know? I thought 117 00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:02,011 you were getting back together. 118 00:05:02,052 --> 00:05:03,429 Who told you we were getting back together? 119 00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:04,805 -Archie. -Who told Archie? 120 00:05:04,847 --> 00:05:06,473 -Joel. -Oh. 121 00:05:06,515 --> 00:05:09,268 Well, I-I've been in Paris, so I'm a little behind. 122 00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:12,354 -Paris? You were in Paris? -Yes. 123 00:05:12,396 --> 00:05:14,356 Why didn't you tell me you were going to Paris? 124 00:05:14,398 --> 00:05:16,817 -When did we stop being friends? -We're friends, Imogene. 125 00:05:16,859 --> 00:05:18,444 If we were friends, I would be the one 126 00:05:18,485 --> 00:05:20,529 -taking a bath in your tub. -You have a tub. 127 00:05:20,571 --> 00:05:22,031 The point is I don't know anything anymore. 128 00:05:22,072 --> 00:05:23,615 -I don't know you anymore. -You do. 129 00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:25,325 You were in Paris. That's in France. 130 00:05:25,367 --> 00:05:27,077 You didn't tell me you were getting back together with Joel. 131 00:05:27,119 --> 00:05:29,038 -Archie did. -I didn't get back together with... 132 00:05:29,079 --> 00:05:31,290 It doesn't matter if it's true. You should've told me. 133 00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:32,875 Just like you should've told me that Joel was going to quit. 134 00:05:32,916 --> 00:05:34,334 -I didn't... -What am I supposed to do now? 135 00:05:34,376 --> 00:05:36,295 With Joel gone, Archie's a sitting duck. 136 00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:37,796 He was Joel's right-hand man. 137 00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:39,506 What if they retaliate for what Joel did? 138 00:05:39,548 --> 00:05:40,924 They're not the mob, Imogene. 139 00:05:40,966 --> 00:05:42,134 I'm sorry I've been distant. 140 00:05:42,176 --> 00:05:43,594 And I am sorry about Joel. 141 00:05:43,635 --> 00:05:46,263 And believe me, Archie is going to be okay. 142 00:05:46,305 --> 00:05:48,599 -How do you know? -I'm brilliant. 143 00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:50,142 Look, I should get back to Susie, 144 00:05:50,184 --> 00:05:52,061 but I will see you tomorrow in exercise class? 145 00:05:52,102 --> 00:05:53,687 -You're coming? -I'm coming. 146 00:05:53,729 --> 00:05:55,439 -You haven't been in weeks. -I'll be there tomorrow. 147 00:05:55,481 --> 00:05:56,732 I was alone in the front. 148 00:05:56,774 --> 00:05:58,108 I had no one to feel superior with. 149 00:05:58,150 --> 00:06:00,027 -Alone I just felt like a snob. -Tomorrow. 150 00:06:00,069 --> 00:06:02,654 -I promise. -Okay. 151 00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:06,825 And by the way, it looks like your new friend 152 00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:08,285 used Rose's pink soap. 153 00:06:08,327 --> 00:06:10,746 No one uses Rose's pink soap. 154 00:06:17,586 --> 00:06:19,922 Enjoying your bath? 155 00:06:19,963 --> 00:06:21,507 Immensely. 156 00:06:21,548 --> 00:06:23,258 Just laying here, soaking. 157 00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:25,928 My brain's gone bye-bye. Everything was perfect 158 00:06:25,969 --> 00:06:28,138 until the vanilla muffin waltzed in here 159 00:06:28,180 --> 00:06:30,057 -and killed my buzz. -What did you tell her? 160 00:06:30,099 --> 00:06:31,809 -Who? -The muffin. 161 00:06:31,850 --> 00:06:33,143 Oh. I don't know. 162 00:06:33,185 --> 00:06:34,895 -You mentioned the Gaslight. -No. 163 00:06:34,937 --> 00:06:36,563 I'm pretty sure I didn't mention the Gaslight. 164 00:06:36,605 --> 00:06:37,689 You definitely mentioned the Gaslight 165 00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:39,108 because she mentioned the Gaslight. 166 00:06:39,149 --> 00:06:41,068 -She did? -I have to know what you're saying. 167 00:06:41,110 --> 00:06:42,694 To my friends. To the press. 168 00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:44,446 I know about that interview you gave to the Village Voice. 169 00:06:44,488 --> 00:06:46,532 You didn't even ask me about it before you did it. 170 00:06:46,573 --> 00:06:48,575 You just went ahead and-- Do not add more hot water. 171 00:06:48,617 --> 00:06:50,369 -So bossy. -Get out of the tub. 172 00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:51,578 What? Why? 173 00:06:51,620 --> 00:06:53,580 Because I need to talk to you. 174 00:06:53,622 --> 00:06:55,374 Fine. 175 00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:58,043 -Well, go wait in the hall. -Why? 176 00:06:58,085 --> 00:06:59,920 What do you mean, why? I've measured myself. 177 00:06:59,962 --> 00:07:02,214 There's no way I'm gonna be fucking naked in front of you. 178 00:07:07,052 --> 00:07:09,471 You can't just go around talking to the press without telling me. 179 00:07:09,513 --> 00:07:12,266 Susie, that paper was just sitting there. At my work. 180 00:07:12,307 --> 00:07:15,394 If Ginger wasn't so Ginger, she would've figured it out. 181 00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:17,479 -What? -You have to tell me 182 00:07:17,521 --> 00:07:20,274 -what you're saying about me before you say it. -Why? 183 00:07:20,315 --> 00:07:22,401 -What do you mean, why? -I am your manager. 184 00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:24,486 It is literally my job to talk about you. 185 00:07:24,528 --> 00:07:27,823 Yes. To club owners, to bookers at the Stage Deli. 186 00:07:27,865 --> 00:07:29,700 But this was in print. Anyone could read it. 187 00:07:29,741 --> 00:07:31,285 Thank God there wasn't a picture. 188 00:07:31,326 --> 00:07:32,911 Ooh, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. 189 00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:35,122 -We got to take some pictures. -No. 190 00:07:35,164 --> 00:07:37,040 Look, press is part of the game, lady. 191 00:07:37,082 --> 00:07:38,709 You want to know what that little paragraph 192 00:07:38,750 --> 00:07:40,961 -in the paper got us? -What? 193 00:07:41,003 --> 00:07:43,255 A gig. A real gig. 194 00:07:43,297 --> 00:07:45,382 A paying gig. No passing the hat. 195 00:07:45,424 --> 00:07:47,092 A club with booze and everything. 196 00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:48,886 Midtown? A midtown gig? 197 00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:51,555 -Almost. 15th Street. -Wow. 198 00:07:51,597 --> 00:07:53,682 -Midway to midtown. -That's right. 199 00:07:53,724 --> 00:07:55,434 We are midway to midtown. Isn't it great? 200 00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:57,686 It is. But, Susie, promise, just check with me 201 00:07:57,728 --> 00:07:59,354 before you give any more interviews, please. 202 00:07:59,396 --> 00:08:02,107 -Why? -Because I haven't told anyone yet. 203 00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:03,984 What do you mean you haven't told anyone yet? 204 00:08:04,026 --> 00:08:05,652 Your fucking husband was standing right there. 205 00:08:05,694 --> 00:08:08,280 I know, but I haven't told my friends or my parents. 206 00:08:08,322 --> 00:08:09,615 How have you not told your parents? 207 00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:10,991 Don't you live with these people? 208 00:08:11,033 --> 00:08:12,409 Where do they think you go every night? 209 00:08:12,451 --> 00:08:14,077 -Out. -Every night? 210 00:08:14,119 --> 00:08:15,996 -I'm very popular. -Okay. 211 00:08:16,038 --> 00:08:17,372 I mean this with all due respect. 212 00:08:17,414 --> 00:08:18,582 Your parents are fucking idiots. 213 00:08:18,624 --> 00:08:20,000 -I'm gonna tell them. -When? 214 00:08:20,042 --> 00:08:22,669 -Soon. -What are you waiting for? 215 00:08:22,711 --> 00:08:24,296 I thought you made this decision already. 216 00:08:24,338 --> 00:08:26,006 -I thought you wanted to go for it. -I do. 217 00:08:26,048 --> 00:08:28,091 This is bullshit. 218 00:08:28,133 --> 00:08:30,427 Aw, Zelda made me a sandwich. 219 00:08:30,469 --> 00:08:31,887 That's sweet. 220 00:08:31,929 --> 00:08:33,222 Do you want to be successful? 221 00:08:33,263 --> 00:08:34,681 Of course I want to be successful. 222 00:08:34,723 --> 00:08:36,558 Being successful means that people come to see you, 223 00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:38,185 and when people come to see you, you become-- 224 00:08:38,227 --> 00:08:39,645 what they call in the biz-- famous. 225 00:08:39,686 --> 00:08:41,688 -Yeah. I know. -Most people who go on stage 226 00:08:41,730 --> 00:08:43,106 want to be famous 'cause it means 227 00:08:43,148 --> 00:08:44,441 they get to play better theaters. 228 00:08:44,483 --> 00:08:46,485 They get better gigs. They go on TV. 229 00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:48,487 They go to Morocco with Bob and Bing. 230 00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:50,489 And here's the best part: they give you more money. 231 00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:52,783 Now, that's actually the part that I find the most appealing. 232 00:08:52,824 --> 00:08:54,284 Money is my main goal. 233 00:08:54,326 --> 00:08:56,078 I don't have any, and I'd like some. 234 00:08:56,119 --> 00:08:58,580 I want to be famous. I want money. 235 00:08:58,622 --> 00:09:00,999 I want to go to Morocco with Bob and Bing. 236 00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:02,751 And I am gonna tell my parents. 237 00:09:02,793 --> 00:09:04,795 They're just... they're not here right now, 238 00:09:04,836 --> 00:09:06,838 and it's not news I'd like to break long-distance. 239 00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,298 So when they come home. 240 00:09:08,340 --> 00:09:10,050 When they come home, I come clean. 241 00:09:10,092 --> 00:09:12,344 -And when's that gonna be? -I don't know. 242 00:09:12,386 --> 00:09:15,889 I swear. I have no idea when my parents are coming back. 243 00:09:22,938 --> 00:09:24,898 You believe i-in fairy tales. 244 00:09:24,940 --> 00:09:27,317 I do not believe in fairy tales. I'm a man of science. 245 00:09:27,359 --> 00:09:29,820 The Bible serves its purpose. 246 00:09:29,861 --> 00:09:32,990 It is basically a moral set of rules. 247 00:09:33,031 --> 00:09:34,199 A-a road map. 248 00:09:34,241 --> 00:09:35,575 Men are not able 249 00:09:35,617 --> 00:09:38,620 to determine right or wrong without a road map. 250 00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:43,292 (overlapping chatter in Russian) 251 00:09:45,168 --> 00:09:47,754 -Let me guess. Freud? -Better. The Bible. (laughs) 252 00:09:47,796 --> 00:09:50,632 -Oh, dear. We'll meet for lunch? -See you there. 253 00:09:50,674 --> 00:09:51,925 Au revoir, messieurs. 254 00:09:51,967 --> 00:09:53,385 -Au revoir. -Au revoir. 255 00:09:53,427 --> 00:09:57,180 Abe, your wife is very, very attractive. 256 00:09:57,222 --> 00:09:59,599 -Elle est très belle. -You lucky man. 257 00:09:59,641 --> 00:10:01,226 The luckiest. 258 00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:03,020 So, where were we? 259 00:10:03,061 --> 00:10:04,855 Oh, yes, Sergei's an idiot. 260 00:10:04,896 --> 00:10:06,898 (laughter) 261 00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:08,942 (overlapping chatter in Russian) 262 00:11:37,948 --> 00:11:39,950 ("Coin de rue" by Juliette Gréco playing) 263 00:11:52,754 --> 00:11:56,258 We spent two hours debating moral nihilism 264 00:11:56,299 --> 00:11:59,386 versus mereological or compositional nihilism. 265 00:11:59,428 --> 00:12:01,638 At least, I think that's what we were debating. 266 00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:03,140 I can't be sure. 267 00:12:03,181 --> 00:12:05,475 Either way, it's nihilism, so who cares? 268 00:12:05,517 --> 00:12:07,686 Anyhow, whatever it was, 269 00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:09,688 it got Sergei all steamed up. 270 00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:11,523 He started arguing with Thierry. 271 00:12:11,565 --> 00:12:14,025 Or Rolf. I don't know. It was someone to the left of me. 272 00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:16,611 And the next thing I know, Thierry is crying, 273 00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:18,697 Rolf is singing Brecht, and I'm decrying 274 00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:20,866 America's national cynicism. 275 00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:23,368 And no one would let the other person pay the bill. 276 00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:26,288 It was just a terrific, terrific day. 277 00:12:26,329 --> 00:12:28,248 -Proost. -Proost. 278 00:12:28,290 --> 00:12:30,750 Today my class went to the Rodin Museum. 279 00:12:30,792 --> 00:12:32,878 Rodin, aha. 280 00:12:32,919 --> 00:12:35,046 It's in this glorious building that was his studio 281 00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:37,966 and sort of artists' flophouse at the same time. 282 00:12:38,008 --> 00:12:39,968 It's a museum now. I tell you, Abe, 283 00:12:40,010 --> 00:12:41,720 it took my breath away. 284 00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:45,307 The hands on his sculptures, they're so powerful. 285 00:12:45,348 --> 00:12:47,392 -Massive. -Hands are great. 286 00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:49,311 -What is this? -What does it taste like? 287 00:12:49,352 --> 00:12:52,272 -Rodin loves big hands. Go on. -I can't imagine 288 00:12:52,314 --> 00:12:54,065 how he did it, how he would look at nothing, 289 00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:57,194 a block of marble, and see what he saw. 290 00:12:57,235 --> 00:12:58,612 I'd love to show it to you. 291 00:12:58,653 --> 00:13:01,448 -Absolutely. Is it fish? -Does it taste like fish? 292 00:13:01,490 --> 00:13:03,783 I can't wait to see Rodin's hands. 293 00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:07,537 What do you think, Simone? 294 00:13:07,579 --> 00:13:10,582 What did Mommy make? 295 00:13:10,624 --> 00:13:12,626 ("Coin de rue" continues playing) 296 00:13:21,635 --> 00:13:24,888 -Bonne nuit, mon amour. -Bonne nuit, mon amour. 297 00:13:24,930 --> 00:13:28,391 -You're a wonderful man. -You're a terrible cook. 298 00:13:30,352 --> 00:13:32,354 ("Artificial Flowers" by Bobby Darin playing) 299 00:13:34,397 --> 00:13:37,859 ♪ Alone in the world ♪ 300 00:13:37,901 --> 00:13:41,154 ♪ Was poor little Anne ♪ 301 00:13:41,196 --> 00:13:45,742 ♪ As sweet a young child as you'd find ♪ 302 00:13:45,784 --> 00:13:48,411 ♪ Her parents had gone ♪ 303 00:13:48,453 --> 00:13:51,248 ♪ To their final reward... ♪ 304 00:13:51,289 --> 00:13:53,291 (pressing machine clanking) 305 00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:57,295 -Try it again, Tony. -Back on. 306 00:13:57,337 --> 00:13:59,839 -(machine sputters) -Okay, turn it off. 307 00:13:59,881 --> 00:14:02,425 -How long has this thing been out? -Four or five days? 308 00:14:02,467 --> 00:14:04,052 Why haven't you gotten it fixed? 309 00:14:04,094 --> 00:14:05,804 Jankel, the guy who comes and fixes the machines, 310 00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:07,305 -he only comes on Fridays. -Why? 311 00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:08,848 I don't know. It's only Fridays. 312 00:14:08,890 --> 00:14:10,475 Before 1:00. That's when he goes to temple. 313 00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:12,519 Only on Fridays. Okay. 314 00:14:14,271 --> 00:14:16,147 -Try it again, Tony. -Back on. 315 00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:17,399 (machine whirring) 316 00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:20,819 Well, it's not Gershwin, but it's moving. 317 00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:22,737 You need a new repairman. 318 00:14:22,779 --> 00:14:24,990 Jankel will be here Friday before 1:00. 319 00:14:25,031 --> 00:14:26,825 You need a repairman who comes when things break. 320 00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,493 -You can't run things like this. -I can't? 321 00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:29,911 I've only been doing it for 30 years. 322 00:14:29,953 --> 00:14:31,162 What the hell do I know? 323 00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:32,831 You're right. Jankel's gone. 324 00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:35,000 You run a factory. You need machines that work. 325 00:14:35,041 --> 00:14:37,419 Ah, should I have him killed? Firing may not be enough. 326 00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:40,171 He comes one day a week. Not even a full day. 327 00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:42,173 -He leaves at 1:00. -He should skip temple? 328 00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:45,176 You want the man who fixes our machines to make God angry? 329 00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:47,429 -How does that end well for us? -You're getting a new repairman. 330 00:14:47,470 --> 00:14:49,264 No, we're not. And what the fuck did you put 331 00:14:49,306 --> 00:14:51,433 -a coffee machine in for? -People need a coffee break. 332 00:14:51,474 --> 00:14:53,435 The whole place is lining up for free coffee. 333 00:14:53,476 --> 00:14:56,021 -Nobody's working. -Yes, it's a graveyard. 334 00:14:56,062 --> 00:14:57,689 What are you doing here, anyway, huh? 335 00:14:57,731 --> 00:14:59,691 You were supposed to come by for a day, look around, 336 00:14:59,733 --> 00:15:01,526 say hi to everyone, see how things are. 337 00:15:01,568 --> 00:15:02,944 That was two weeks ago. 338 00:15:02,986 --> 00:15:04,529 There's a lot of people to say hi to. 339 00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:07,282 Plus, I hear there's free coffee now. 340 00:15:07,324 --> 00:15:09,701 Manny, not sure you should be smoking there. 341 00:15:09,743 --> 00:15:11,494 I'm by a trash can. 342 00:15:11,536 --> 00:15:13,496 Lots of chemicals and solvents all over the place. 343 00:15:13,538 --> 00:15:15,457 You remember the Triangle Shirtwaist fire? 344 00:15:15,498 --> 00:15:16,458 Like it was yesterday. 345 00:15:16,499 --> 00:15:18,877 Get back to work, Manny. 346 00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:21,379 That's the fourth cigarette break he's taken this morning. 347 00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:23,798 So what? You're so hot for people taking breaks. 348 00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:25,800 People who work. I've never seen him work. 349 00:15:25,842 --> 00:15:27,969 -What does Manny do? -What does he do? Manny does. 350 00:15:28,011 --> 00:15:29,971 That's what Manny does. Manny does. 351 00:15:30,013 --> 00:15:31,640 Frieda, honey, you've been sitting there 352 00:15:31,681 --> 00:15:32,891 for four straight hours. 353 00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:34,142 Get up. Take a break. 354 00:15:34,184 --> 00:15:35,727 You're not chained to the table. 355 00:15:35,769 --> 00:15:37,729 -Are you? -She's not chained to the table. 356 00:15:37,771 --> 00:15:39,606 Go have some coffee. 357 00:15:40,690 --> 00:15:42,275 Oh, look at her go. 358 00:15:42,317 --> 00:15:44,027 -Jesse Owens. -Pop. 359 00:15:44,069 --> 00:15:46,780 What? It'll take her an hour to walk across the room 360 00:15:46,821 --> 00:15:48,281 and an hour to get back. 361 00:15:48,323 --> 00:15:49,866 That's half of her remaining life span. 362 00:15:49,908 --> 00:15:52,202 -Moishe, she won't let me in. -What? 363 00:15:52,243 --> 00:15:54,204 -Come. Come, come, come, come. -Where we going? 364 00:15:54,245 --> 00:15:55,830 -Look, look, I'm locked out. -What's happening? 365 00:15:55,872 --> 00:15:57,332 -Where's he going? Hey. -Go, go. Get him, get him. 366 00:15:57,374 --> 00:15:58,583 -Hey, hey. Get back here. -Come back here. 367 00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:01,336 -Do not close the... -(lock clicks) 368 00:16:01,378 --> 00:16:03,421 Let me guess, it's worse than I thought. 369 00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:05,256 -Oh, much, much worse. -Terrific. 370 00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:07,842 None of these numbers add up. A-And this writing. 371 00:16:07,884 --> 00:16:09,427 At first, I thought it was in Hebrew, 372 00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:11,763 but then I realized parts are in Yiddish. 373 00:16:11,805 --> 00:16:13,515 -(knocking) -And this is ancient Aramaic, 374 00:16:13,556 --> 00:16:15,600 which has been a dead language for 2,000 years. 375 00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:17,936 (stammers) Can you figure out any of the money? 376 00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:20,772 -The figures? -I think it's a numerical system 377 00:16:20,814 --> 00:16:22,774 -that has eliminated the number six. -(keys jingle) 378 00:16:22,816 --> 00:16:24,401 -What? -(lock clicks) 379 00:16:24,442 --> 00:16:26,695 Coming in, schmuck. You lock me out of my own office? 380 00:16:26,736 --> 00:16:28,613 What is she doing with my book? 381 00:16:28,655 --> 00:16:30,573 You think I don't have a key to my own office? 382 00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:32,742 -These books don't make sense. -SHIRLEY: Of course they do. 383 00:16:32,784 --> 00:16:35,161 -What do you want to know? -Well, everything would be nice. 384 00:16:35,203 --> 00:16:36,913 This column is the money we have. 385 00:16:36,955 --> 00:16:38,832 This column is the money we will have 386 00:16:38,873 --> 00:16:40,750 as soon as these people from this column 387 00:16:40,792 --> 00:16:42,085 or that column pay us. 388 00:16:42,127 --> 00:16:43,670 Unless it has a bagel stamp, 389 00:16:43,712 --> 00:16:45,004 which means it's still being negotiated 390 00:16:45,046 --> 00:16:47,590 but we started the work anyway in case it works out. 391 00:16:47,632 --> 00:16:49,008 Three flags, that means the check cleared. 392 00:16:49,050 --> 00:16:50,593 Two flowers, that means a half and half. 393 00:16:50,635 --> 00:16:52,762 -A half and half? -Half check, half cash. 394 00:16:52,804 --> 00:16:54,389 Or half cash, half services. 395 00:16:54,431 --> 00:16:56,975 Or half... something and half something else. 396 00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:59,436 -You have Kaufman and Hart write this bit? -Uh, can I 397 00:16:59,477 --> 00:17:02,856 just ask you-- um, there is a Sunny spelled with a "U" 398 00:17:02,897 --> 00:17:05,608 and a Sonny with an "O" and another with an I-E. 399 00:17:05,650 --> 00:17:07,277 Is that the same Sonny? 400 00:17:07,318 --> 00:17:09,279 Of course it's the same Sonny. 401 00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:11,781 It's Sonny. Sonny from Queens. 402 00:17:11,823 --> 00:17:14,534 -Pop, you need an accountant. -What are you talking about, accountant? 403 00:17:14,576 --> 00:17:16,953 This is a foolproof system that I invented myself. 404 00:17:16,995 --> 00:17:18,288 Completely secure. 405 00:17:18,329 --> 00:17:20,123 Only I can understand it. 406 00:17:20,165 --> 00:17:21,332 I don't know. 407 00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:23,293 I'll have you know that we got audited once. 408 00:17:23,334 --> 00:17:24,961 And when the guy took one look at this book, 409 00:17:25,003 --> 00:17:26,671 we never saw him again. 410 00:17:26,713 --> 00:17:28,840 I paid him off. That's why we never saw him again. 411 00:17:28,882 --> 00:17:30,258 -Pop, this is crazy. -Okay. 412 00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:32,594 Enough. You came, you saw. 413 00:17:32,635 --> 00:17:34,929 Thank you for letting me know that everything I do is wrong 414 00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:36,890 and your mother's accounting system is a piece of shit. 415 00:17:36,931 --> 00:17:38,141 It really is a piece of shit. 416 00:17:38,183 --> 00:17:39,976 I'm serious. You and you, out. 417 00:17:40,018 --> 00:17:42,228 Well, all right. But before we leave, 418 00:17:42,270 --> 00:17:44,481 I found this book 419 00:17:44,522 --> 00:17:46,483 in a secret hiding place in the wall. 420 00:17:46,524 --> 00:17:48,735 No! Put that back. You should not be looking through that. 421 00:17:48,777 --> 00:17:50,737 This is the special loans book. 422 00:17:50,779 --> 00:17:52,739 -Special loans book? -What? -SHIRLEY: That's personal. 423 00:17:52,781 --> 00:17:54,616 Don't tell me you're borrowing money from those guys. 424 00:17:54,657 --> 00:17:56,576 -Once in a while. -I can't believe this. 425 00:17:56,618 --> 00:17:58,578 You see yourself-- the machines break down. 426 00:17:58,620 --> 00:18:00,497 Those machines are expensive. 427 00:18:00,538 --> 00:18:02,749 How else are we supposed to get that kind of cash? 428 00:18:02,791 --> 00:18:04,834 -From a bank? -What are you, a big shot? 429 00:18:04,876 --> 00:18:07,253 Banks don't break your legs or throw you in a river. 430 00:18:07,295 --> 00:18:09,506 I'm seeing amounts here. I'm seeing names. 431 00:18:09,547 --> 00:18:12,050 But I'm not seeing any dates for when the loans are due. 432 00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:13,927 Oh, well, we know when the loans are due. 433 00:18:13,968 --> 00:18:16,012 A couple of guys break in in the middle of the night. 434 00:18:16,054 --> 00:18:18,014 They bust up some chairs and windows. 435 00:18:18,056 --> 00:18:19,933 And that's when we know the loan is due. 436 00:18:19,974 --> 00:18:21,976 -Shirley, stop helping me. -What? 437 00:18:22,018 --> 00:18:23,978 -What did I do wrong? -Nothing, Ma. Relax. 438 00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:27,941 Why don't you go get yourself a cup of coffee. 439 00:18:27,982 --> 00:18:29,108 There's a machine out there now. 440 00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:30,193 There's a coffee machine? 441 00:18:30,235 --> 00:18:32,487 Oh, what a wonderful idea! 442 00:18:33,947 --> 00:18:35,490 Go home. 443 00:18:35,532 --> 00:18:37,450 You know what, Pop, I'm not going home. 444 00:18:37,492 --> 00:18:38,868 I'm staying. 445 00:18:38,910 --> 00:18:40,328 I'm gonna go through those cockamamie books, 446 00:18:40,370 --> 00:18:42,205 and I'm gonna get things in shape around here. 447 00:18:42,247 --> 00:18:45,750 I'm gonna start by firing the low-hanging fruit like Manny. 448 00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:48,086 -Manny's not a fruit. He came to your bar mitzvah. -He's gone. 449 00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:49,921 I'm firing him today. Along with Pete, 450 00:18:49,963 --> 00:18:51,422 who's in the storage room playing cards 451 00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:52,757 with two other guys that I don't know. 452 00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:53,842 They're fired, too. 453 00:18:53,883 --> 00:18:56,094 Every single freeloader around here, gone. 454 00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:57,762 I'm getting them off the payroll. 455 00:18:57,804 --> 00:18:59,931 I'm gonna find a fucking seven-day-a-week repairman. 456 00:18:59,973 --> 00:19:02,517 And once I know this place isn't being run like a mental asylum, 457 00:19:02,559 --> 00:19:04,811 then I'll go home. 458 00:19:07,063 --> 00:19:10,650 SHIRLEY: Oh, this coffee is delicious! 459 00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:25,498 She's got to work on these notes. 460 00:19:25,540 --> 00:19:27,584 Here comes one, with Andy Griffith bringing it in. 461 00:19:27,625 --> 00:19:29,085 -Andy Griffith! -(cheers and applause) 462 00:19:29,127 --> 00:19:33,089 Howdy, Steve. Well... 463 00:19:33,131 --> 00:19:34,841 STEVE: Who's next for you? 464 00:19:34,883 --> 00:19:37,886 ANDY: I've got one here, Steve, from last July, 465 00:19:37,927 --> 00:19:41,306 where they sent up two mice in a space rocket, 466 00:19:41,347 --> 00:19:42,974 and they-they lost them both. 467 00:19:43,016 --> 00:19:44,225 I heard about that. It's too bad. 468 00:19:44,267 --> 00:19:45,602 How do they plan to find them again? 469 00:19:45,643 --> 00:19:47,353 Well, they got it figured out, Steve. 470 00:19:47,395 --> 00:19:48,813 They figure they're gonna launch a cat. 471 00:19:48,855 --> 00:19:50,273 -A cat. Uh-huh. -(laughs): Yeah. 472 00:19:50,315 --> 00:19:52,567 Thank you, Andy. He'll be back in a little bit. 473 00:19:52,609 --> 00:19:54,986 And now, here come the McGuire Sisters. 474 00:19:55,028 --> 00:19:56,446 (cheers and applause) 475 00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:03,077 Night, Susie. 476 00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:06,039 Night, Ethan. 477 00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:08,708 Look. Should we get it for Sergei? 478 00:20:08,750 --> 00:20:10,877 Oh, God, no. 479 00:20:10,919 --> 00:20:13,796 -To the market? -To the market. 480 00:20:13,838 --> 00:20:16,257 ABE: I do love our Thursdays. 481 00:20:16,299 --> 00:20:18,301 ♪ ♪ 482 00:20:22,597 --> 00:20:24,849 FRANK SINATRA: ♪ How are ya fixed for moonlight? ♪ 483 00:20:24,891 --> 00:20:26,059 (bell dings) 484 00:20:26,100 --> 00:20:29,354 ♪ How are ya fixed for stars? ♪ 485 00:20:29,395 --> 00:20:33,066 KEELY SMITH: ♪ How are ya fixed for kissing ♪ 486 00:20:33,107 --> 00:20:37,362 ♪ While we listen to soft guitars? ♪ 487 00:20:37,403 --> 00:20:39,948 SINATRA: ♪ How are ya fixed for someone ♪ 488 00:20:39,989 --> 00:20:41,824 ♪ To watch the rain with? ♪ 489 00:20:41,866 --> 00:20:46,955 SMITH: ♪ To stroll down the lane with? ♪ 490 00:20:46,996 --> 00:20:50,083 SINATRA: ♪ For someone to just go ♪ 491 00:20:50,124 --> 00:20:52,168 ♪ A little insane with? ♪ 492 00:20:52,210 --> 00:20:55,672 SMITH: ♪ How are ya fixed for memories? ♪ 493 00:20:55,713 --> 00:20:59,342 ♪ Memories that shine so bright? ♪ 494 00:20:59,384 --> 00:21:02,178 SINATRA: ♪ If we let fancy take us ♪ 495 00:21:02,220 --> 00:21:05,807 ♪ We could make us a few tonight ♪ 496 00:21:05,848 --> 00:21:09,143 SMITH: ♪ How are ya fixed for someone ♪ 497 00:21:09,185 --> 00:21:13,356 ♪ Who'll fit your arms like a glove? ♪ 498 00:21:13,398 --> 00:21:16,317 BOTH: ♪ Hey, tell me, baby ♪ 499 00:21:16,359 --> 00:21:19,070 ♪ How are ya fixed for love? ♪ 500 00:21:21,531 --> 00:21:23,533 ♪ ♪ 501 00:21:28,955 --> 00:21:31,666 SINATRA: ♪ How are ya fixed for kissin' ♪ 502 00:21:31,708 --> 00:21:36,379 ♪ While we dig those wild guitars? ♪ 503 00:21:36,421 --> 00:21:38,506 ♪ How are ya fixed for someone ♪ 504 00:21:38,548 --> 00:21:42,927 ♪ Who'll fit your arms like a glove? ♪ 505 00:21:42,969 --> 00:21:45,263 BOTH: ♪ Hey, tell me, baby ♪ 506 00:21:45,304 --> 00:21:47,181 ♪ How are ya fixed for ♪ 507 00:21:47,223 --> 00:21:48,891 ♪ Tell me, baby ♪ 508 00:21:48,933 --> 00:21:53,521 ♪ How are ya fixed for love? ♪ 509 00:21:59,485 --> 00:22:03,448 ("What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong playing) 510 00:22:03,489 --> 00:22:08,077 ♪ I see trees of green ♪ 511 00:22:08,119 --> 00:22:11,539 ♪ Red roses, too ♪ 512 00:22:11,581 --> 00:22:14,751 ♪ I see them bloom ♪ 513 00:22:14,792 --> 00:22:17,086 ♪ For me and you ♪ 514 00:22:17,128 --> 00:22:22,300 ♪ And I think to myself ♪ 515 00:22:22,341 --> 00:22:26,262 ♪ What a wonderful world ♪ 516 00:22:29,182 --> 00:22:31,309 ♪ Yes ♪ 517 00:22:31,350 --> 00:22:36,189 ♪ I think to myself ♪ 518 00:22:36,230 --> 00:22:40,943 ♪ What a wonderful world ♪ 519 00:22:46,365 --> 00:22:50,870 ♪ Ooh, yeah. ♪ 520 00:22:50,912 --> 00:22:54,332 (ringing) 521 00:22:54,373 --> 00:22:55,583 Hello? 522 00:22:55,625 --> 00:22:57,043 JOEL (over phone): Hey, pal, it's Daddy. 523 00:22:57,085 --> 00:22:58,294 Hi, Daddy. 524 00:22:58,336 --> 00:23:00,713 Wow, you're answering the phone now, huh, buddy? 525 00:23:00,755 --> 00:23:03,341 -Big man now. -ETHAN: Yeah. 526 00:23:03,382 --> 00:23:04,884 Hey, put your mommy on, okay? 527 00:23:04,926 --> 00:23:06,385 Okay. 528 00:23:06,427 --> 00:23:08,387 Phone! 529 00:23:10,348 --> 00:23:11,933 Hello? 530 00:23:11,974 --> 00:23:13,768 Who the fuck is this? 531 00:23:13,810 --> 00:23:15,853 -Who the fuck is this? -This is Joel. 532 00:23:15,895 --> 00:23:17,396 -Who? -Midge's husband. Who are you? 533 00:23:17,438 --> 00:23:18,648 Susie. 534 00:23:18,689 --> 00:23:21,317 -Susie who? -From the Gaslight. 535 00:23:21,359 --> 00:23:22,819 What the hell are you doing there? 536 00:23:22,860 --> 00:23:24,862 I don't know. Why the hell are you calling? 537 00:23:24,904 --> 00:23:26,948 -Midge is my wife. -Not anymore. 538 00:23:26,989 --> 00:23:29,909 I asked Ethan to put his mother on-- why'd he put you on? 539 00:23:29,951 --> 00:23:31,619 I don't know, he's your idiot kid. 540 00:23:31,661 --> 00:23:33,246 You know what? 541 00:23:33,287 --> 00:23:35,206 -Is Midge there? -No. 542 00:23:35,248 --> 00:23:36,624 Can you take a message? 543 00:23:36,666 --> 00:23:38,251 -No. -Will you take a message? 544 00:23:38,292 --> 00:23:40,753 I need her to meet me. It's important. 545 00:23:40,795 --> 00:23:42,880 -Hello? -Fine. 546 00:23:42,922 --> 00:23:45,341 Tell Midge to meet me at 15 West 40th. 547 00:23:45,383 --> 00:23:47,760 JOEL: I-I like the molding, 548 00:23:47,802 --> 00:23:49,178 but I may want to strip the paint off. 549 00:23:49,220 --> 00:23:51,264 -Is that possible? -MAN: It's getting late. 550 00:23:51,305 --> 00:23:54,642 -Knock-knock. -Midge, great. Come in. 551 00:23:54,684 --> 00:23:56,144 I'd like you to meet Mr. Greenberg. 552 00:23:56,185 --> 00:23:57,645 Mr. Greenberg owns the building. 553 00:23:57,687 --> 00:24:00,606 Oh, well, your parents must be so very proud. 554 00:24:00,648 --> 00:24:03,568 Don't touch anything. The paint's not dry. 555 00:24:03,609 --> 00:24:05,987 -Well, he's a charmer. -He's fine. 556 00:24:06,028 --> 00:24:08,322 The most important thing is he keeps a clean building. 557 00:24:08,364 --> 00:24:11,159 Anyhow, thank you for coming. 558 00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:13,286 -You said it was important. -I know. 559 00:24:13,327 --> 00:24:15,705 I didn't mean to be dramatic, but I-I've toured 560 00:24:15,746 --> 00:24:17,582 a lot of shitholes over the past few weeks, 561 00:24:17,623 --> 00:24:19,500 so when I finally found this place, 562 00:24:19,542 --> 00:24:22,086 I had to get you down here before someone else took it. 563 00:24:22,128 --> 00:24:24,297 What are you talking about? What is this? 564 00:24:24,338 --> 00:24:27,592 Your new apartment. (chuckles) 565 00:24:27,633 --> 00:24:29,468 I really think it's the perfect place for you. 566 00:24:29,510 --> 00:24:33,055 -For me? -And Ethan and Esther. 567 00:24:33,097 --> 00:24:34,849 I know it's smaller than you're used to, 568 00:24:34,891 --> 00:24:37,894 but it's very clean, it's an elevator building. 569 00:24:37,935 --> 00:24:40,438 It's a great location, halfway between the club downtown 570 00:24:40,479 --> 00:24:41,981 and your parents' apartment. 571 00:24:42,023 --> 00:24:43,357 There's a great park a block away. 572 00:24:43,399 --> 00:24:44,609 The butcher's right around the corner, 573 00:24:44,650 --> 00:24:45,902 and it's right off three subways. 574 00:24:45,943 --> 00:24:48,696 I can manage it, and you won't have to work anymore. 575 00:24:48,738 --> 00:24:51,240 Whoa, whoa, whoa, who says I'm gonna stop working? 576 00:24:51,282 --> 00:24:53,743 -Well, you'll have to. -Oh, I will? 577 00:24:53,784 --> 00:24:55,369 -Why will I have to? -I... 578 00:24:55,411 --> 00:24:57,747 Am I suddenly unable to apply lipstick? 579 00:24:57,788 --> 00:24:59,415 -No. -I can't point to powder? 580 00:24:59,457 --> 00:25:01,292 -You can point. -I can't spritz a person 581 00:25:01,334 --> 00:25:03,044 with perfume? That's where my abilities end? 582 00:25:03,085 --> 00:25:04,462 You'll have the kids. You won't have your parents 583 00:25:04,503 --> 00:25:05,504 or Zelda around. 584 00:25:05,546 --> 00:25:06,756 I figured you'd want to quit. 585 00:25:06,797 --> 00:25:08,007 Oh, you figured. You figured? 586 00:25:08,049 --> 00:25:09,800 -What's the matter? -I just don't like you 587 00:25:09,842 --> 00:25:11,135 telling me where I'm gonna live. 588 00:25:11,177 --> 00:25:12,220 I wasn't telling you. 589 00:25:12,261 --> 00:25:13,596 Where are you gonna live, huh? 590 00:25:13,638 --> 00:25:14,847 -Me? -Yeah, you're still 591 00:25:14,889 --> 00:25:16,349 -at your parents', right? -Yes. 592 00:25:16,390 --> 00:25:17,642 Well, if you can tell me where I'm gonna live, 593 00:25:17,683 --> 00:25:18,851 -then I can tell you where you're gonna live. -Midge. 594 00:25:18,893 --> 00:25:20,353 Turtle Bay. You're gonna live in Turtle Bay. 595 00:25:20,394 --> 00:25:22,480 -Where the hell is Turtle Bay? -I don't know. 596 00:25:22,521 --> 00:25:23,940 It's right off three subways. Have fun! 597 00:25:23,981 --> 00:25:25,566 -Why are you angry? -I'm not angry. 598 00:25:25,608 --> 00:25:27,777 -It's a nice apartment. -I had a nice apartment. 599 00:25:27,818 --> 00:25:29,695 -I know. -And I lost it because of you. 600 00:25:29,737 --> 00:25:31,113 I know. 601 00:25:31,155 --> 00:25:32,949 And it was right off three subways, too. 602 00:25:32,990 --> 00:25:34,367 It wasn't, actually. 603 00:25:34,408 --> 00:25:36,369 How can you suddenly afford this? 604 00:25:36,410 --> 00:25:38,412 Huh? You quit your job. 605 00:25:38,454 --> 00:25:40,039 -Right? -Uh... 606 00:25:40,081 --> 00:25:41,457 Imogene said that you quit your job, 607 00:25:41,499 --> 00:25:42,792 and now Archie's gonna get fired. 608 00:25:42,833 --> 00:25:44,001 Why is Archie gonna get fired? 609 00:25:44,043 --> 00:25:45,336 I don't know. Ask Imogene. 610 00:25:45,378 --> 00:25:47,380 She said that you walked out and left Archie standing 611 00:25:47,421 --> 00:25:48,881 next to the chart that she made. 612 00:25:48,923 --> 00:25:50,341 -Imogene made that chart? -Yes. 613 00:25:50,383 --> 00:25:51,467 That was a great chart. 614 00:25:51,509 --> 00:25:52,551 So you get another job? 615 00:25:52,593 --> 00:25:54,887 -Midge, I've got it covered. -How? 616 00:25:54,929 --> 00:25:56,055 Do you like the apartment or not? 617 00:25:56,097 --> 00:25:59,475 -No. -Fine. 618 00:25:59,517 --> 00:26:01,102 Yes, it's very nice. 619 00:26:01,143 --> 00:26:03,813 The phone niche is particularly delightful. 620 00:26:03,854 --> 00:26:06,148 I'm sorry, it's not the apartment. 621 00:26:06,190 --> 00:26:08,943 The apartment's fine. It's just a lot... 622 00:26:08,985 --> 00:26:11,153 I can find my own place. 623 00:26:11,195 --> 00:26:13,072 Okay, find your own place. 624 00:26:13,114 --> 00:26:14,907 Just tell me what it costs and I'll pay for it. 625 00:26:14,949 --> 00:26:16,701 With the job you don't have yet? 626 00:26:16,742 --> 00:26:18,494 Midge, give me a break, please? 627 00:26:18,536 --> 00:26:21,163 I'm just trying to do some fucking thing right here! 628 00:26:21,205 --> 00:26:25,960 I know. I know. 629 00:26:26,002 --> 00:26:28,546 Sorry to drag you out here like this. 630 00:26:28,587 --> 00:26:30,506 It's a nice place, it's just... 631 00:26:30,548 --> 00:26:33,426 I get it. 632 00:26:39,557 --> 00:26:41,517 I don't want you to live in Turtle Bay. 633 00:26:41,559 --> 00:26:44,020 I don't either. 634 00:26:44,061 --> 00:26:46,272 Okay. 635 00:26:46,314 --> 00:26:48,566 Well, that's settled. 636 00:26:50,985 --> 00:26:53,362 ABE: No, no, no, no, no, I-I can do this. 637 00:26:53,404 --> 00:26:55,281 I am a learned man, I teach at a major university. 638 00:26:55,323 --> 00:26:56,449 ROSE: Fine. 639 00:26:56,490 --> 00:26:58,617 Ah! Thursday, right there. 640 00:26:58,659 --> 00:27:00,036 That says "Thursday." 641 00:27:00,077 --> 00:27:02,747 Bravo. Ethan would be very proud of you. 642 00:27:02,788 --> 00:27:06,083 See, I hear some very French sarcasm in that "bravo." 643 00:27:06,125 --> 00:27:08,044 Pas du tout! That means "not at all." 644 00:27:08,085 --> 00:27:09,754 -(chuckles) -Are you ready? 645 00:27:09,795 --> 00:27:11,047 For what? 646 00:27:11,088 --> 00:27:12,506 ROSE (singsongy): Come on. 647 00:27:12,548 --> 00:27:14,175 Rose, where are you taking me? 648 00:27:14,216 --> 00:27:16,510 Rose, you're being very mysterious. 649 00:27:16,552 --> 00:27:18,429 ROSE: Am I? We're here. 650 00:27:18,471 --> 00:27:21,223 It's so exciting. 651 00:27:26,896 --> 00:27:28,731 Voilà! 652 00:27:28,773 --> 00:27:30,691 ABE: What is this? 653 00:27:30,733 --> 00:27:33,736 Jeanne, from my class, her parents own the building. 654 00:27:33,778 --> 00:27:35,321 The tenants just moved out, 655 00:27:35,363 --> 00:27:37,031 so they haven't had the chance to fix it up yet, 656 00:27:37,073 --> 00:27:38,574 but I just had to show it to you immediately. 657 00:27:38,616 --> 00:27:40,201 Obviously, it needs some paint 658 00:27:40,242 --> 00:27:42,203 and some repairs here and there, but look at the view. 659 00:27:42,244 --> 00:27:43,579 ABE: Ooh, that's some view. 660 00:27:43,621 --> 00:27:45,581 See over there? That's your café. 661 00:27:45,623 --> 00:27:47,208 -So it is. -Five blocks away. 662 00:27:47,249 --> 00:27:49,627 -Ah. -There are two bedrooms back here. 663 00:27:49,668 --> 00:27:51,670 A perfect little kitchen, bathroom. 664 00:27:51,712 --> 00:27:53,172 -Look at that ceiling. -Isn't it marvelous? 665 00:27:53,214 --> 00:27:55,049 I almost don't want them to fix it up. 666 00:27:55,091 --> 00:27:57,426 It's sort of glorious in its shabbiness. 667 00:27:57,468 --> 00:28:00,429 -(laughs) -We-we could put a sofa there, 668 00:28:00,471 --> 00:28:02,223 some chairs, right over here your piano. 669 00:28:02,264 --> 00:28:03,349 -Ooh, yes. -(snaps fingers) 670 00:28:03,391 --> 00:28:04,642 The acoustics are perfect. 671 00:28:04,683 --> 00:28:06,185 The dining room would go in here. 672 00:28:06,227 --> 00:28:09,230 We could fit eight comfortably, ten with a leaf. 673 00:28:09,271 --> 00:28:12,441 And right over here would be a great place for you to read. 674 00:28:12,483 --> 00:28:14,693 Oh, yes, perfect reading light. 675 00:28:14,735 --> 00:28:18,197 This wall is for bookshelves, I think a console over here. 676 00:28:18,239 --> 00:28:19,865 A radio, record player... 677 00:28:19,907 --> 00:28:21,200 -Are they dog friendly? -They're dog friendly. 678 00:28:21,242 --> 00:28:22,743 They have to be dog friendly. 679 00:28:22,785 --> 00:28:24,328 Plus, there's a little park around the corner 680 00:28:24,370 --> 00:28:25,413 where we could throw her little ball. 681 00:28:25,454 --> 00:28:26,497 She loves that little ball. 682 00:28:26,539 --> 00:28:28,124 It's special, isn't it? 683 00:28:28,165 --> 00:28:31,335 -Well, it is just a ball. -No, the apartment. 684 00:28:31,377 --> 00:28:33,671 -Oh, yes, it's magnificent. -I know. 685 00:28:33,712 --> 00:28:35,214 I mean, I love our little place, 686 00:28:35,256 --> 00:28:37,550 but it's not very practical for the long term. 687 00:28:37,591 --> 00:28:40,678 Though I will miss the boys, but we'll just have to get used to 688 00:28:40,719 --> 00:28:42,096 our own bathroom again. 689 00:28:42,138 --> 00:28:44,682 And hot water, we'll have to get used to hot water again. 690 00:28:44,723 --> 00:28:49,270 -Rose. -(Rose continues indistinctly) 691 00:28:49,311 --> 00:28:51,480 -Rose. -Hmm? 692 00:28:53,649 --> 00:28:56,110 We can't buy this apartment. 693 00:28:56,152 --> 00:28:57,486 Why not? 694 00:28:57,528 --> 00:28:59,530 Because we don't live here. 695 00:28:59,572 --> 00:29:01,282 Well, we will after we buy the place. 696 00:29:01,323 --> 00:29:03,409 In Paris, we don't live in Paris. 697 00:29:03,451 --> 00:29:04,743 We have to go home. 698 00:29:04,785 --> 00:29:06,245 Paris is home. 699 00:29:06,287 --> 00:29:07,913 No, Rose, it's not. 700 00:29:07,955 --> 00:29:09,498 Why not? 701 00:29:09,540 --> 00:29:11,750 Because my classes at Columbia start in a week. 702 00:29:11,792 --> 00:29:13,586 I'm a tenured professor. 703 00:29:13,627 --> 00:29:15,880 And if I don't go back, I'll lose my spot at Bell Labs. 704 00:29:15,921 --> 00:29:18,466 And if I don't go back, what will I lose? 705 00:29:18,507 --> 00:29:21,385 -Well... -Drapes will have to be made, 706 00:29:21,427 --> 00:29:22,970 but the shutters will do for now. 707 00:29:23,012 --> 00:29:25,598 Rose, stop. Our lives are in New York. 708 00:29:25,639 --> 00:29:27,016 Your friends are in New York. 709 00:29:27,057 --> 00:29:28,601 Your-your garden club is in New York. 710 00:29:28,642 --> 00:29:30,895 I have friends here, too. So do you. 711 00:29:30,936 --> 00:29:33,022 -What friends? -What are you talking about? 712 00:29:33,063 --> 00:29:35,733 Thierry, Rolf, Sergei. Have you forgotten about them? 713 00:29:35,774 --> 00:29:37,610 Of course not. 714 00:29:37,651 --> 00:29:39,737 You're part of their group; you're-you're one of them. 715 00:29:39,778 --> 00:29:43,657 I am not one of th-- I have no idea what they're talking about. 716 00:29:43,699 --> 00:29:46,285 They could be sitting there saying, "That idiot, Abe, 717 00:29:46,327 --> 00:29:48,704 "thinks we like him. Let's set his coat on fire, 718 00:29:48,746 --> 00:29:50,748 and see how long it takes him to notice." 719 00:29:50,789 --> 00:29:52,458 Well, not Thierry, he cries too much, 720 00:29:52,500 --> 00:29:54,293 but Sergei, he looks like a pyro. 721 00:29:54,335 --> 00:29:56,295 That's not true; they're kindred spirits. 722 00:29:56,337 --> 00:29:58,631 They all drink 40 cups of coffee a day 723 00:29:58,672 --> 00:30:00,466 and switch to absinthe at noon. 724 00:30:00,508 --> 00:30:02,885 They all have wives and girlfriends. 725 00:30:02,927 --> 00:30:05,471 -So what? -I don't want a girlfriend. 726 00:30:05,513 --> 00:30:07,848 I'm still getting used to a maid. 727 00:30:07,890 --> 00:30:10,851 I am not French. I'm different. 728 00:30:10,893 --> 00:30:12,978 You're adjusting. Y-You're learning the language. 729 00:30:13,020 --> 00:30:14,897 "Thursday," I learned "Thursday." 730 00:30:14,939 --> 00:30:17,191 W-Wednesday can't be far behind. 731 00:30:17,233 --> 00:30:19,026 Rose. 732 00:30:19,068 --> 00:30:22,404 I want to go home. 733 00:30:22,446 --> 00:30:25,950 This has been a wonderful vacation... 734 00:30:28,202 --> 00:30:30,913 ...but it's time to go back to our life. 735 00:30:30,955 --> 00:30:32,623 What life? 736 00:30:32,665 --> 00:30:34,583 My daughter does not want my guidance. 737 00:30:34,625 --> 00:30:36,168 You have no need for my input. 738 00:30:36,210 --> 00:30:37,753 I'm alone in New York. 739 00:30:37,795 --> 00:30:40,172 Here, I have art. 740 00:30:40,214 --> 00:30:43,259 I have independence; no one looks at me with pity. 741 00:30:43,300 --> 00:30:45,511 -No one looks at you... -Poor Rose, she's too fragile 742 00:30:45,553 --> 00:30:48,264 to be told the truth, too delicate to confide in. 743 00:30:48,305 --> 00:30:50,558 She'll shatter. 744 00:30:50,599 --> 00:30:54,728 Here in Paris, I'm... 745 00:30:54,770 --> 00:30:56,814 shatterproof. 746 00:30:56,855 --> 00:30:59,066 I'm-I'm sorry I lied to you. 747 00:30:59,108 --> 00:31:01,610 I'll never do it again. 748 00:31:01,652 --> 00:31:05,030 And I-I promise we will figure out a way 749 00:31:05,072 --> 00:31:07,283 to make it better once we get back. 750 00:31:07,324 --> 00:31:10,202 But we have to go back. 751 00:31:10,244 --> 00:31:12,496 Do you hear me? 752 00:31:12,538 --> 00:31:15,291 Rose. 753 00:31:15,332 --> 00:31:18,002 Rosie. 754 00:31:27,636 --> 00:31:29,597 (door slams) 755 00:31:32,099 --> 00:31:33,851 Wait. 756 00:31:33,892 --> 00:31:35,603 (sniffs) Smell that? 757 00:31:35,644 --> 00:31:37,062 Smells like cheap beer and piss. 758 00:31:37,104 --> 00:31:39,106 I know. Exciting, right? 759 00:31:39,148 --> 00:31:40,482 Hi. I'm working here tonight. 760 00:31:40,524 --> 00:31:42,026 -I'm a comic. -Oh. 761 00:31:42,067 --> 00:31:43,319 What's up her ass? 762 00:31:43,360 --> 00:31:44,445 Tone down the perk. 763 00:31:44,486 --> 00:31:45,571 We're in a real club now. 764 00:31:45,613 --> 00:31:46,655 Sorry. 765 00:31:46,697 --> 00:31:47,990 Fuck you, keep walking. 766 00:31:48,032 --> 00:31:49,199 There you go. 767 00:31:49,241 --> 00:31:52,119 Aha. There he is. 768 00:31:52,161 --> 00:31:53,746 Bobby, hi. 769 00:31:53,787 --> 00:31:55,748 Susie Myerson of Susie Myerson and Associates. 770 00:31:55,789 --> 00:31:57,833 I don't need that. You're my girl comedian? 771 00:31:57,875 --> 00:31:59,209 -Yes, I am. -All right. 772 00:31:59,251 --> 00:32:00,878 I have you down for an eight-minute slot. 773 00:32:00,919 --> 00:32:02,212 Eight minutes. Eight minutes. Eight minutes? 774 00:32:02,254 --> 00:32:03,672 -I'll talk fast. -Eight minutes is great. 775 00:32:03,714 --> 00:32:04,673 Here's four drink tickets. 776 00:32:04,715 --> 00:32:06,300 You're up third. 777 00:32:06,342 --> 00:32:08,260 -Third. Good slot. -Really? 778 00:32:08,302 --> 00:32:09,928 Are you kidding? Third is perfect. 779 00:32:09,970 --> 00:32:11,930 The crowd is warmed up but not worn out. 780 00:32:11,972 --> 00:32:13,432 Yeah? Okay. Third. Great. 781 00:32:13,474 --> 00:32:15,768 How do I look? Hair? Makeup? Teeth? 782 00:32:15,809 --> 00:32:18,020 Excuse me. Uh, Mrs. Maisel, is it? 783 00:32:18,062 --> 00:32:19,438 -Midge is fine. -Oh. 784 00:32:19,480 --> 00:32:21,065 Midge is fine. Isn't Midge fine? 785 00:32:21,106 --> 00:32:23,859 Bobby told us there was a lady comic coming on tonight. 786 00:32:23,901 --> 00:32:25,527 Didn't tell us she was quite so pretty. 787 00:32:25,569 --> 00:32:27,655 -Well, thank you. -EUGENE: That is a lovely dress. 788 00:32:27,696 --> 00:32:29,531 Susie Myerson. I'm her manager. 789 00:32:29,573 --> 00:32:31,450 EUGENE: So you're the girl from the Gaslight gig, right? 790 00:32:31,492 --> 00:32:33,243 Lenny Bruce's girl. 791 00:32:33,285 --> 00:32:34,745 Oh, I'm not his girl, just his friend. 792 00:32:34,787 --> 00:32:36,080 EUGENE: So what kind of act do you do? 793 00:32:36,121 --> 00:32:38,749 Birds? Violin? Wait-- singer. 794 00:32:38,791 --> 00:32:40,084 -Nope. -STAN: Oh, you should sing. 795 00:32:40,125 --> 00:32:41,335 EUGENE: You'd clean up as a singer. 796 00:32:41,377 --> 00:32:42,753 But I-I don't sing. 797 00:32:42,795 --> 00:32:44,421 It doesn't matter, just wear that dress. 798 00:32:44,463 --> 00:32:47,758 Hey, so one colleague to another, uh, you and Lenny...? 799 00:32:47,800 --> 00:32:49,218 Me and Lenny what? 800 00:32:49,259 --> 00:32:51,053 Well, what he did for you, that was pretty big. 801 00:32:51,095 --> 00:32:53,055 You must've done something pretty big for him first, right? 802 00:32:53,097 --> 00:32:54,890 Nothing but respect if you did. 803 00:32:54,932 --> 00:32:56,934 Hey, I'd sleep with Lenny Bruce if he asked. 804 00:32:56,975 --> 00:32:59,603 -The man is a god. -She did not fucking sleep with Lenny Bruce. 805 00:32:59,645 --> 00:33:00,979 -Yeah. -And even if she did, 806 00:33:01,021 --> 00:33:02,481 that's not why he did the gig. 807 00:33:02,523 --> 00:33:04,024 I-I didn't sleep with him. 808 00:33:04,066 --> 00:33:05,442 I know, but my point is, 809 00:33:05,484 --> 00:33:07,111 even if you did, it doesn't matter. 810 00:33:07,152 --> 00:33:08,946 -Yeah, but I didn't. -I know, but if you did...? 811 00:33:08,987 --> 00:33:10,531 For fuck's sake. 812 00:33:10,572 --> 00:33:12,491 Wow, little lady's got a potty mouth. 813 00:33:12,533 --> 00:33:15,828 -Lenny teach you that also? -(both chuckle) 814 00:33:17,121 --> 00:33:19,248 -Well, I like them. -Oh, relax. 815 00:33:19,289 --> 00:33:21,291 Odds are at least one of them has late-stage syphilis. 816 00:33:21,333 --> 00:33:22,376 I'm getting a drink. 817 00:33:22,418 --> 00:33:23,460 -You want one? -Nope. 818 00:33:23,502 --> 00:33:24,461 -You want to sit? -Nope. 819 00:33:24,503 --> 00:33:25,879 I am going to stay fresh. 820 00:33:25,921 --> 00:33:27,423 Okay, well, as long as you're okay 821 00:33:27,464 --> 00:33:28,966 with me sitting and drinking, we're good. 822 00:33:29,007 --> 00:33:30,676 BOBBY: Hey, everybody, I'm Bobby Stelter, 823 00:33:30,718 --> 00:33:32,344 your humble host for the evening. 824 00:33:32,386 --> 00:33:34,972 Are you guys in the mood for a fantastic show? 825 00:33:35,013 --> 00:33:36,974 -(applause) -All right, then what you want to do 826 00:33:37,015 --> 00:33:38,600 is walk outside and catch a cab to the Copa 827 00:33:38,642 --> 00:33:39,893 'cause it ain't happening here. 828 00:33:39,935 --> 00:33:41,186 Now, let's bring up our first comic. 829 00:33:41,228 --> 00:33:43,522 He's Canadian, but don't hold that against him. 830 00:33:43,564 --> 00:33:45,441 Joey Parker! 831 00:33:48,444 --> 00:33:49,987 Thanks, Bobby. 832 00:33:50,028 --> 00:33:51,780 True story. 833 00:33:51,822 --> 00:33:55,659 Before John Wayne was famous, he was a prop man on movie sets. 834 00:33:55,701 --> 00:33:58,662 But what if he never became "The Duke" 835 00:33:58,704 --> 00:34:00,622 and was still working behind the scenes? 836 00:34:00,664 --> 00:34:03,500 Could you see him having to be James Mason's prop guy? 837 00:34:03,542 --> 00:34:05,043 (laughter) 838 00:34:05,085 --> 00:34:07,838 (imitating John Wayne): Well, here ya go, pilgrim. 839 00:34:07,880 --> 00:34:09,465 (imitating James Mason): A gun? 840 00:34:09,506 --> 00:34:12,426 -Why are you handing me a gun? -(laughter) 841 00:34:12,468 --> 00:34:15,053 (imitating John Wayne): It's a Colt Single Action. 842 00:34:15,095 --> 00:34:17,222 They'll know who's boss. 843 00:34:17,264 --> 00:34:19,475 -Mrs. Maisel. -Yes, here. 844 00:34:19,516 --> 00:34:21,393 -Put your hand down. -Slight change. 845 00:34:21,435 --> 00:34:23,228 You're gonna go on fourth now, okay? 846 00:34:23,270 --> 00:34:24,605 Oh, sure. Fourth. 847 00:34:24,646 --> 00:34:26,231 -Fourth is, fourth is... -Better. 848 00:34:26,273 --> 00:34:28,066 -Really? -Much better. Fourth is perfect. 849 00:34:28,108 --> 00:34:29,735 I thought you said third was perfect. 850 00:34:29,777 --> 00:34:31,278 Mm, fourth is more perfect. 851 00:34:31,320 --> 00:34:33,322 I didn't want to say it before 'cause you were going on third, 852 00:34:33,363 --> 00:34:35,073 but fourth is so much better. 853 00:34:35,115 --> 00:34:37,618 Yo, barkeep. 854 00:34:37,659 --> 00:34:39,661 -(applause) -EUGENE: I used to be a lawyer 855 00:34:39,703 --> 00:34:41,163 and I was terrible at it. 856 00:34:41,205 --> 00:34:43,874 I would hear the other lawyers' arguments 857 00:34:43,916 --> 00:34:45,459 and I'd start to look at my client sideways like, 858 00:34:45,501 --> 00:34:47,753 -"Yeah, you do seem guilty." -(laughter) 859 00:34:47,795 --> 00:34:50,631 -You sure you don't want to sit? -Staying fresh. 860 00:34:50,672 --> 00:34:52,758 Okay, well, see, here's what's good about going on fourth. 861 00:34:52,800 --> 00:34:54,343 I'm listening. 862 00:34:54,384 --> 00:34:56,345 Gives you time to look around, take in the room. 863 00:34:56,386 --> 00:34:58,263 -What am I looking for? -Material. 864 00:34:58,305 --> 00:35:01,642 -For example, you see that lady? -Yeah. Ooh, that hat. 865 00:35:01,683 --> 00:35:04,228 Exactly. That hat is screaming to be talked about. 866 00:35:04,269 --> 00:35:07,064 That hat is the fat girl in a family full of beauty queens. 867 00:35:07,105 --> 00:35:08,482 I can do something with that. 868 00:35:08,524 --> 00:35:10,692 EUGENE: Hey, doll, what's with the hat? 869 00:35:10,734 --> 00:35:13,237 Going to a Minnie Pearl look-alike contest later? 870 00:35:13,278 --> 00:35:15,280 (imitating Minnie Pearl): Howdy! 871 00:35:15,322 --> 00:35:17,950 Shit. Minnie Pearl. So easy. 872 00:35:17,991 --> 00:35:19,535 Work for it a little at least. 873 00:35:19,576 --> 00:35:21,245 Bobby, I have another spot tonight uptown. 874 00:35:21,286 --> 00:35:22,704 At this rate, I'll never get there. 875 00:35:22,746 --> 00:35:24,248 -Stan... -You want me to miss the gig? 876 00:35:24,289 --> 00:35:25,666 I won't get paid and my little girl's 877 00:35:25,707 --> 00:35:27,251 gonna have to go without braces. 878 00:35:27,292 --> 00:35:29,044 She's gonna go through life looking like Tim Tam 879 00:35:29,086 --> 00:35:30,629 'cause you got an Italian watch. 880 00:35:30,671 --> 00:35:32,005 Okay, okay. You're up next. 881 00:35:32,047 --> 00:35:34,007 -You thinking what I'm thinking? -Yup. 882 00:35:34,049 --> 00:35:36,093 -Mrs. Maisel, listen, I'm sorr... -Yeah, we heard. 883 00:35:36,134 --> 00:35:38,095 You've already bumped her. Bump someone else. 884 00:35:38,136 --> 00:35:39,721 Stan's a regular. He's been working here four years. 885 00:35:39,763 --> 00:35:41,431 He brings people in. 886 00:35:41,473 --> 00:35:44,685 You work here four years, you bring people in, we'll talk. 887 00:35:44,726 --> 00:35:47,563 So, going fifth is better 'cause...? 888 00:35:47,604 --> 00:35:49,940 The audience is drunker? Lowers the bar. 889 00:35:49,982 --> 00:35:52,359 (applause) 890 00:35:55,571 --> 00:35:57,406 All right, let's keep this cavalcade of comedy 891 00:35:57,447 --> 00:35:59,032 moving along, right? 892 00:35:59,074 --> 00:36:01,118 All right, next up, a lot of you know his work. 893 00:36:01,159 --> 00:36:03,871 He's always funny, always polite and discreet, 894 00:36:03,912 --> 00:36:07,332 our very own Stan Benning! 895 00:36:07,374 --> 00:36:10,502 -Stan! -Thanks, Bobby. Mwah! 896 00:36:10,544 --> 00:36:13,005 Hey, look at you. 897 00:36:13,046 --> 00:36:14,923 Lots of beautiful women in the audience. 898 00:36:14,965 --> 00:36:16,508 Too bad I'm married. 899 00:36:16,550 --> 00:36:20,512 My wife looks like a work of art, a Picasso. 900 00:36:20,554 --> 00:36:22,723 You know, Disney has a new movie about a princess 901 00:36:22,764 --> 00:36:24,516 called Sleeping Beauty 902 00:36:24,558 --> 00:36:28,770 and a new movie about my wife called, "Not now, I'm sleeping." 903 00:36:28,812 --> 00:36:32,065 Oh, and hey, we got a girl comic coming up in a little bit. 904 00:36:32,107 --> 00:36:33,775 That ought to be entertaining. 905 00:36:33,817 --> 00:36:36,278 Madge or Marjorie, something like that. 906 00:36:36,320 --> 00:36:38,030 Don't get too excited, fellas. 907 00:36:38,071 --> 00:36:40,073 She keeps her clothes on. 908 00:36:40,115 --> 00:36:43,410 Plan to laugh at something the guy next to you says 909 00:36:43,452 --> 00:36:45,162 'cause I ain't vouching for Madge, 910 00:36:45,203 --> 00:36:47,623 though I hear she's a hell of a singer. 911 00:36:47,664 --> 00:36:49,541 Fill her up! You sure you don't...? 912 00:36:49,583 --> 00:36:51,543 Fresh, remember? 913 00:36:51,585 --> 00:36:55,047 I'd work up a hot rendition of "Swanee" if I were you, Madge. 914 00:37:05,140 --> 00:37:07,517 (rattling nearby) 915 00:37:15,233 --> 00:37:17,653 (clattering nearby) 916 00:37:24,660 --> 00:37:27,287 -Aah! Shit. -Pop. 917 00:37:27,329 --> 00:37:29,081 -Jesus. -What the hell are you doing here? 918 00:37:29,122 --> 00:37:31,959 -What does it look like? -You have got to find a girl. 919 00:37:32,000 --> 00:37:35,337 -What time is it? -11:30. 920 00:37:35,379 --> 00:37:37,506 I checked downstairs already. 921 00:37:37,547 --> 00:37:39,091 We're probably clear for the night. 922 00:37:39,132 --> 00:37:41,051 They would've come by now. 923 00:37:41,093 --> 00:37:43,387 (sighs) Okay. 924 00:37:43,428 --> 00:37:45,973 -Pop. -Yeah? 925 00:37:46,014 --> 00:37:48,392 You want to get a drink? 926 00:37:48,433 --> 00:37:51,353 You remember the last time we sat like this, 927 00:37:51,395 --> 00:37:54,189 you and me, a couple of drinks, a couple of bats? 928 00:37:54,231 --> 00:37:56,817 -Nope. -Yeah, me, either. 929 00:37:56,858 --> 00:37:58,777 Well, you have a life to live. 930 00:37:58,819 --> 00:38:00,362 We have to talk about the factory. 931 00:38:00,404 --> 00:38:02,239 -No, we don't. -The place is a mess. 932 00:38:02,280 --> 00:38:04,449 -It's not a mess. -Okay, it's not a mess. 933 00:38:04,491 --> 00:38:05,951 Well, it's a little bit of a mess. 934 00:38:05,993 --> 00:38:09,246 -How? How did it get this bad? -I don't know. 935 00:38:09,287 --> 00:38:12,249 A year ago you were doing fine. 936 00:38:12,290 --> 00:38:14,501 You know, when I started this business, 937 00:38:14,543 --> 00:38:17,713 I knew it would do well. I was a determined guy. 938 00:38:17,754 --> 00:38:20,424 I had a brain cell or two, plus I didn't have a choice. 939 00:38:20,465 --> 00:38:22,092 Wasn't gonna sell pickles off a pushcart 940 00:38:22,134 --> 00:38:23,510 like my father did. 941 00:38:23,552 --> 00:38:26,805 But then it took off like a shot 942 00:38:26,847 --> 00:38:29,307 and now I feel like I've been running a fucking marathon 943 00:38:29,349 --> 00:38:31,059 for 20 years. 944 00:38:31,101 --> 00:38:32,853 Next thing I know, I got loans, 945 00:38:32,894 --> 00:38:35,272 padded payrolls and your mother's books. 946 00:38:35,313 --> 00:38:37,941 The son of a bitch landlord is threatening to triple the rent 947 00:38:37,983 --> 00:38:39,317 because he knows I can't move 948 00:38:39,359 --> 00:38:40,902 and you know what the real problem is? 949 00:38:40,944 --> 00:38:44,114 -You should've found a Roth. -Should've found a Roth. 950 00:38:44,156 --> 00:38:46,283 Wasn't enough just to put it on the sign. 951 00:38:46,324 --> 00:38:48,076 Where are your guys, Pop? 952 00:38:48,118 --> 00:38:50,620 Where's Carl, Izzie, Benny? 953 00:38:50,662 --> 00:38:53,331 Benny's gone. Left six months ago. 954 00:38:53,373 --> 00:38:54,750 Izzie's been dipping in and out lately. 955 00:38:54,791 --> 00:38:57,544 I don't trust Izzie. Carl's sick. 956 00:38:57,586 --> 00:38:59,546 He's technically still on the payroll, but... 957 00:38:59,588 --> 00:39:03,341 Listen... I'm gonna stay. 958 00:39:03,383 --> 00:39:05,385 -Stay where? -I'm gonna stay with the company. 959 00:39:05,427 --> 00:39:07,929 -Wait, wait a minute. -Help get things back on track. 960 00:39:07,971 --> 00:39:09,848 Not forever. Understand? 961 00:39:09,890 --> 00:39:12,893 -But longer than I had intended to. -No. 962 00:39:12,934 --> 00:39:15,270 We have to get this figured out. 963 00:39:15,312 --> 00:39:17,397 We need an accountant or a shaman to fix those books 964 00:39:17,439 --> 00:39:19,399 and we have to take care of the landlord. 965 00:39:19,441 --> 00:39:20,525 How are you gonna do that? 966 00:39:20,567 --> 00:39:23,195 -We're gonna buy the building. -Ah! 967 00:39:23,236 --> 00:39:24,905 You got the crazy from your mother. 968 00:39:24,946 --> 00:39:27,741 Padded cell for two. Visiting day will be nice. 969 00:39:27,783 --> 00:39:29,659 -We'll take out a loan. -Another loan. 970 00:39:29,701 --> 00:39:31,870 A real loan from a bank. 971 00:39:31,912 --> 00:39:33,622 I can help you, Pop. You need me. 972 00:39:33,663 --> 00:39:36,374 And for all this white knight bullshit, 973 00:39:36,416 --> 00:39:37,918 I expect you want to be paid? 974 00:39:37,959 --> 00:39:39,461 You bet your ass I want to be paid. 975 00:39:39,503 --> 00:39:41,296 So you need me. 976 00:39:41,338 --> 00:39:44,216 Okay, yes. 977 00:39:44,257 --> 00:39:47,302 How do I know this all isn't just a whim? 978 00:39:47,344 --> 00:39:51,139 How do I know you won't just walk out when you're not happy? 979 00:39:51,181 --> 00:39:52,557 My name's Maisel, too, Pop. 980 00:39:52,599 --> 00:39:55,560 The Maisel name is on that building 981 00:39:55,602 --> 00:39:57,229 and it's gonna stay on that building. 982 00:39:57,270 --> 00:40:01,233 Listen, I want you to talk to Uncle Moe. 983 00:40:01,274 --> 00:40:04,694 My friend Archie, I kind of hung him out to dry when I quit. 984 00:40:04,736 --> 00:40:06,655 I want you to tell Uncle Moe to take care of him. 985 00:40:06,696 --> 00:40:08,365 He can't be fired. 986 00:40:08,406 --> 00:40:10,617 Now you want me to tell my brother how to run his business? 987 00:40:10,659 --> 00:40:14,246 Archie's a good man. He deserves his spot there. 988 00:40:14,287 --> 00:40:17,207 Okay. I do that for you and in return you hire Manny back. 989 00:40:17,249 --> 00:40:20,502 -What? No. -If Manny goes, his wife Gloria goes. 990 00:40:20,544 --> 00:40:23,797 Gloria is my best seamstress. Without her, I'm sunk. 991 00:40:23,839 --> 00:40:25,382 And Pete...? 992 00:40:25,423 --> 00:40:27,008 The schmuck playing cards in the storeroom? 993 00:40:27,050 --> 00:40:28,385 His wife Bernice does all my best embroidery. 994 00:40:28,426 --> 00:40:30,720 He went, she went. 995 00:40:30,762 --> 00:40:32,222 I need her back, too. 996 00:40:32,264 --> 00:40:34,141 Okay, Manny and Pete can come back to work, 997 00:40:34,182 --> 00:40:35,684 but they have to fucking work. 998 00:40:35,725 --> 00:40:38,520 -Yeah. Good luck with that. -So what? We have a deal? 999 00:40:38,562 --> 00:40:40,313 I'm back until things are straightened out, 1000 00:40:40,355 --> 00:40:41,565 until you're whole. 1001 00:40:41,606 --> 00:40:43,400 Yeah. 1002 00:40:43,441 --> 00:40:46,236 Remember, it's not permanent. 1003 00:40:46,278 --> 00:40:48,488 -I am not your Roth. -I know that. 1004 00:40:48,530 --> 00:40:50,824 You're a Maisel. 1005 00:40:52,576 --> 00:40:54,536 (laughter) 1006 00:40:54,578 --> 00:40:56,329 NOAH: Jews come from all over the world. 1007 00:40:56,371 --> 00:40:58,415 In my family alone, my grandparents speak 1008 00:40:58,456 --> 00:41:01,418 five different languages, which means that I know how to say, 1009 00:41:01,459 --> 00:41:04,880 "Why aren't you married?" in five different languages. 1010 00:41:04,921 --> 00:41:06,423 I got circumcised when I was eight days old. 1011 00:41:06,464 --> 00:41:08,508 SUSIE: Only one ticket left. Fuck it. 1012 00:41:08,550 --> 00:41:10,886 Hey, bar guy. 1013 00:41:10,927 --> 00:41:12,888 Are you okay? 1014 00:41:12,929 --> 00:41:15,390 SUSIE: I fell off the stool like I'm Dylan Thomas. 1015 00:41:15,432 --> 00:41:17,058 Okay, you're up. 1016 00:41:17,100 --> 00:41:18,768 Great. How do I look? 1017 00:41:18,810 --> 00:41:20,937 Hey. Get up. Manage shit. 1018 00:41:20,979 --> 00:41:22,689 SUSIE: Sorry. Okay. 1019 00:41:22,731 --> 00:41:24,399 Remember to wait for the laughs completely. 1020 00:41:24,441 --> 00:41:26,693 -You were rushing last week. -I know. I'll remember. 1021 00:41:26,735 --> 00:41:28,737 -NOAH: ...money and a hand job. -(laughter) 1022 00:41:28,778 --> 00:41:31,615 -Okay. Tits up. -Tits up. 1023 00:41:31,656 --> 00:41:34,326 Well, that's it for me tonight. You've been a great audience. 1024 00:41:34,367 --> 00:41:36,328 (applause) 1025 00:41:36,369 --> 00:41:38,330 Everybody, you're not gonna believe it, 1026 00:41:38,371 --> 00:41:40,040 but someone just walked in the door 1027 00:41:40,081 --> 00:41:42,125 and there's no way he's leaving without doing his thing. 1028 00:41:42,167 --> 00:41:44,961 Jackie Vernon, get up here, man. 1029 00:41:46,963 --> 00:41:49,424 Jackie Vernon! 1030 00:41:49,466 --> 00:41:53,470 -Let him hear it. -(cheers and applause) 1031 00:41:56,932 --> 00:42:00,101 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. 1032 00:42:00,143 --> 00:42:02,646 Tonight I'd like to talk about rejections. 1033 00:42:02,687 --> 00:42:06,483 My personal rejections brought on a weight problem. 1034 00:42:06,524 --> 00:42:08,860 Every time a girl would refuse me a date, 1035 00:42:08,902 --> 00:42:12,781 I'd eat a piece of Bavarian cream pie. 1036 00:42:12,822 --> 00:42:16,326 One day I ate 238 pieces of Bavarian cream pie. 1037 00:42:16,368 --> 00:42:18,495 -(laughter) -So close, and then he shows up. 1038 00:42:18,536 --> 00:42:21,248 But don't worry. He's gonna be really easy to follow. 1039 00:42:21,289 --> 00:42:23,500 He's just super warming the place up for you. 1040 00:42:23,541 --> 00:42:25,126 Like he's doing you a favor. 1041 00:42:25,168 --> 00:42:26,586 Thought you had to be somewhere. 1042 00:42:26,628 --> 00:42:28,630 And miss Jackie Vernon? Not a chance. 1043 00:42:28,672 --> 00:42:31,132 VERNON: My doctor told me to cut out all sugar and use saccharin. 1044 00:42:31,174 --> 00:42:34,511 I used so much saccharin, I developed artificial diabetes. 1045 00:42:34,552 --> 00:42:35,929 (laughter) 1046 00:42:35,971 --> 00:42:37,681 Okay, that's it. I'll have a martini. 1047 00:42:37,722 --> 00:42:39,432 We're out of drink tickets. 1048 00:42:39,474 --> 00:42:41,393 I-I need something to eat, too. 1049 00:42:41,434 --> 00:42:42,852 Oh, hot dogs. Two hot dogs. 1050 00:42:42,894 --> 00:42:44,437 Pay him for the hot dogs. 1051 00:42:44,479 --> 00:42:46,523 This is turning out to be a very expensive gig. 1052 00:42:46,564 --> 00:42:48,566 Well, at least you're not wearing the same outfit. 1053 00:42:48,608 --> 00:42:50,277 I should have seen this coming. 1054 00:42:50,318 --> 00:42:52,070 This whole day has been weird. 1055 00:42:52,112 --> 00:42:54,614 Joel decided to find me an apartment. 1056 00:42:54,656 --> 00:42:57,325 Good. It's time that loser did something other than his hair. 1057 00:42:57,367 --> 00:42:59,536 My own apartment. I never lived on my own. 1058 00:42:59,577 --> 00:43:01,746 I went from my parents, to college, 1059 00:43:01,788 --> 00:43:03,498 back to my parents, to Joel. 1060 00:43:03,540 --> 00:43:05,667 I feel like I've been living alone since I was nine. 1061 00:43:05,709 --> 00:43:07,419 -(laughter) -I'm a little scared. 1062 00:43:07,460 --> 00:43:09,671 I mean, what happens when the toilet clogs? 1063 00:43:09,713 --> 00:43:12,173 You get a plunger and plunge all the shit out. 1064 00:43:12,215 --> 00:43:13,550 Ugh! 1065 00:43:13,591 --> 00:43:15,260 You are gonna die on your own. 1066 00:43:15,302 --> 00:43:17,512 They're gonna find you on the floor half eaten 1067 00:43:17,554 --> 00:43:19,931 by your feral children, still clutching the fucking plunger. 1068 00:43:19,973 --> 00:43:21,349 Hey, new subject. 1069 00:43:21,391 --> 00:43:23,393 Got a telegram from my parents. 1070 00:43:23,435 --> 00:43:24,978 Oh. They're coming home? 1071 00:43:25,020 --> 00:43:26,521 They're coming home. 1072 00:43:26,563 --> 00:43:28,398 We have to figure out your living situation. 1073 00:43:28,440 --> 00:43:30,317 Hey, you were the one who was scared. 1074 00:43:30,358 --> 00:43:32,402 I'm fine going back to my apartment. 1075 00:43:32,444 --> 00:43:34,404 -Uh-uh. -(laughter and applause) 1076 00:43:34,446 --> 00:43:36,489 If you are shy, timid and meek, 1077 00:43:36,531 --> 00:43:38,533 you shouldn't be too worried about it 1078 00:43:38,575 --> 00:43:40,410 because the meek will inherit the earth. 1079 00:43:40,452 --> 00:43:42,495 They wouldn't have the nerve to refuse it. 1080 00:43:42,537 --> 00:43:44,331 -(laughter) -Oh, come on. 1081 00:43:44,372 --> 00:43:45,707 What's your problem? 1082 00:43:45,749 --> 00:43:47,584 I have mustard on my dress. 1083 00:43:47,625 --> 00:43:49,377 Oh, yeah, right on your tit. 1084 00:43:49,419 --> 00:43:51,129 It's not working. 1085 00:43:51,171 --> 00:43:52,797 Of course not. That's tequila. 1086 00:43:52,839 --> 00:43:54,549 -Try gin. -Look at me. 1087 00:43:54,591 --> 00:43:57,177 Look at my dress. It's all wrinkled and stained. 1088 00:43:57,218 --> 00:43:59,137 I told you I shouldn't sit down. 1089 00:43:59,179 --> 00:44:01,639 -I didn't tell you to sit down. -You motioned. 1090 00:44:01,681 --> 00:44:04,351 I'm drunk. I was probably grabbing the air for balance. 1091 00:44:04,392 --> 00:44:06,478 How am I going to go up there like this? 1092 00:44:06,519 --> 00:44:08,355 Oh, don't worry. This guy's never getting off. 1093 00:44:08,396 --> 00:44:10,607 I'm wrinkled, I'm stained. 1094 00:44:10,648 --> 00:44:12,859 -Plus... -Plus what? 1095 00:44:12,901 --> 00:44:16,237 Well... you're a little pungent. 1096 00:44:16,279 --> 00:44:17,906 I am not pungent. 1097 00:44:17,947 --> 00:44:19,991 I am downwind. I kind of know. 1098 00:44:20,033 --> 00:44:21,701 Never. Never. 1099 00:44:21,743 --> 00:44:23,578 I have never in my life been... 1100 00:44:23,620 --> 00:44:25,163 (sniffing) What is that? 1101 00:44:25,205 --> 00:44:27,040 -That's you. -It's... 1102 00:44:27,082 --> 00:44:31,044 -No, that's... -(laughs) 1103 00:44:31,086 --> 00:44:32,587 Well, what do you expect? 1104 00:44:32,629 --> 00:44:34,631 I sweat a little before I go on, 1105 00:44:34,672 --> 00:44:36,716 which has happened four times so far tonight. 1106 00:44:36,758 --> 00:44:39,969 Well, folks, I don't want you to get excited or panicky, 1107 00:44:40,011 --> 00:44:42,013 but I just finished. 1108 00:44:42,055 --> 00:44:43,681 How about a hand for the suit? 1109 00:44:43,723 --> 00:44:45,725 Hey, he's done. Get ready. 1110 00:44:45,767 --> 00:44:48,269 -(cheering and applause) -Shit, shit, shit, shit. 1111 00:44:49,729 --> 00:44:53,191 The master, ladies and gentlemen. 1112 00:44:53,233 --> 00:44:56,778 (cheering and applause) 1113 00:44:56,820 --> 00:44:58,571 Who could possibly follow him, huh? 1114 00:44:58,613 --> 00:45:00,156 Well, you're about to find out. 1115 00:45:00,198 --> 00:45:01,908 They're leaving. 1116 00:45:01,950 --> 00:45:03,868 -They smelled me. -Just get up there. 1117 00:45:03,910 --> 00:45:06,037 Hey, where you going? Sit down. Sit back down. 1118 00:45:06,079 --> 00:45:08,498 Hey, the best is yet to come. The show is not over. 1119 00:45:08,540 --> 00:45:10,250 -Sit your ass back down! -BOBBY: Ladies and gentlemen, 1120 00:45:10,291 --> 00:45:12,627 welcome an adorable lady who, 1121 00:45:12,669 --> 00:45:15,922 if she can't make you laugh, can at least make you dinner. 1122 00:45:15,964 --> 00:45:18,007 Mrs. My-zell. 1123 00:45:18,049 --> 00:45:19,801 Maisel, asshole. Maisel! 1124 00:45:19,843 --> 00:45:22,220 -Tits up. -Arms down. 1125 00:45:28,226 --> 00:45:30,478 -Hey, where's the light? -The light guy left. 1126 00:45:30,520 --> 00:45:32,981 What the fuck? She needs a spot. 1127 00:45:33,022 --> 00:45:34,691 Uh, good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 1128 00:45:34,732 --> 00:45:37,694 I'm Mrs. Maisel. 1129 00:45:37,735 --> 00:45:39,112 Follow my voice! 1130 00:45:39,154 --> 00:45:40,530 (scattered laughter) 1131 00:45:40,572 --> 00:45:42,532 Uh, it's-it's so nice to be here. 1132 00:45:42,574 --> 00:45:44,117 It's nice of you to stay. 1133 00:45:44,159 --> 00:45:48,413 I was supposed to go on earlier, a lot earlier, 1134 00:45:48,455 --> 00:45:50,457 -before I looked like this. -MAN: Yeah. 1135 00:45:50,498 --> 00:45:53,710 -Anyone have a comb? -(woman laughs) 1136 00:45:53,751 --> 00:45:55,462 Women would get that 1137 00:45:55,503 --> 00:45:58,548 because there's-there's no way a comb could fix this. 1138 00:45:58,590 --> 00:46:00,383 -(soft laughter) -A bomb would help. 1139 00:46:00,425 --> 00:46:02,635 Group blindness would work wonders. 1140 00:46:02,677 --> 00:46:05,138 Anyhow, it wasn't that great a joke. 1141 00:46:05,180 --> 00:46:06,723 Or even a joke. 1142 00:46:06,764 --> 00:46:08,808 Uh, an amusing observation, perhaps. 1143 00:46:08,850 --> 00:46:10,727 A wry comment, if you will. 1144 00:46:10,768 --> 00:46:14,689 I'm sorry. I feel so unfocused right now. 1145 00:46:14,731 --> 00:46:16,733 I was really in the pocket earlier, 1146 00:46:16,774 --> 00:46:19,152 ready, fresh. 1147 00:46:19,194 --> 00:46:21,321 Then I had a drink, and... 1148 00:46:21,362 --> 00:46:23,698 (sighs) This is mustard. 1149 00:46:23,740 --> 00:46:25,825 -(scattered laughter) -Here. 1150 00:46:25,867 --> 00:46:31,414 As big a mess as my dress is now, my life is worse. 1151 00:46:31,456 --> 00:46:33,166 It's changing so fast. 1152 00:46:33,208 --> 00:46:35,335 I was married, I'm not married. 1153 00:46:35,376 --> 00:46:37,420 I'm going to have to live alone with my two children. 1154 00:46:37,462 --> 00:46:39,088 It's all going to be up to me 1155 00:46:39,130 --> 00:46:42,759 to take care of them, of myself, of the toilet. 1156 00:46:42,800 --> 00:46:45,303 So many goals I had as a young woman. 1157 00:46:45,345 --> 00:46:47,347 -Plunging was never one of 'em. -(laughter) 1158 00:46:47,388 --> 00:46:50,517 I don't want my own apartment. 1159 00:46:50,558 --> 00:46:52,435 (cheering) 1160 00:46:52,477 --> 00:46:56,022 Thanks, pal. 1161 00:46:56,064 --> 00:46:59,192 I don't want my own apartment. 1162 00:46:59,234 --> 00:47:03,863 I-I don't feel ready, mentally, to have my own keys, 1163 00:47:03,905 --> 00:47:06,991 my own plumbing, my own angry Ukrainian super. 1164 00:47:07,033 --> 00:47:09,786 -(laughter) -I don't feel prepared 1165 00:47:09,827 --> 00:47:12,664 to take on that kind of responsibility alone. 1166 00:47:12,705 --> 00:47:17,335 The only thing I feel prepared to take on, right now, 1167 00:47:17,377 --> 00:47:19,879 at this very minute, 1168 00:47:19,921 --> 00:47:22,257 is those fucking losers at the bar. 1169 00:47:22,298 --> 00:47:24,968 -(laughter) -I mean, look at them. 1170 00:47:25,009 --> 00:47:28,179 The "before" picture in a Charles Atlas 1171 00:47:28,221 --> 00:47:30,807 male virility enhancement ad, 1172 00:47:30,848 --> 00:47:34,227 just standing there, waiting for me to bomb. 1173 00:47:34,269 --> 00:47:36,104 It's midnight on a Tuesday 1174 00:47:36,145 --> 00:47:37,689 and the highlight of their evening 1175 00:47:37,730 --> 00:47:40,358 is the possibility of seeing a chick fail. 1176 00:47:40,400 --> 00:47:41,776 (laughter) 1177 00:47:41,818 --> 00:47:44,696 Am I supposed to find them intimidating? 1178 00:47:44,737 --> 00:47:47,073 'Cause-'cause all I see is a lineup of men 1179 00:47:47,115 --> 00:47:49,742 who had to go into comedy just to get laid. 1180 00:47:49,784 --> 00:47:51,744 -(laughter) -Seriously. 1181 00:47:51,786 --> 00:47:54,706 We know that if, say, Eugene over there, 1182 00:47:54,747 --> 00:47:58,376 came up to you at a bar in his big-boy suit, 1183 00:47:58,418 --> 00:48:00,587 with his tiny baby hands, 1184 00:48:00,628 --> 00:48:02,589 and no opening line pre-written for him, 1185 00:48:02,630 --> 00:48:04,007 he'd be sent crawling home alone 1186 00:48:04,048 --> 00:48:07,135 -to whack off in his onesie. -(laughter) 1187 00:48:07,176 --> 00:48:08,803 And Stan... 1188 00:48:08,845 --> 00:48:12,098 -AUDIENCE: Ooh! -...who has a voice that bored a thousand ships 1189 00:48:12,140 --> 00:48:13,600 into sinking themselves. 1190 00:48:13,641 --> 00:48:15,727 If he couldn't say to some unwitting female, 1191 00:48:15,768 --> 00:48:18,521 "I got a gig downtown in an hour," he'd have to say, 1192 00:48:18,563 --> 00:48:20,481 "My mother should be asleep by now." 1193 00:48:20,523 --> 00:48:24,152 -(laughter) -All comics are comics 1194 00:48:24,193 --> 00:48:26,112 'cause something in their lives went horribly wrong. 1195 00:48:26,154 --> 00:48:27,822 Something went to shit. 1196 00:48:27,864 --> 00:48:30,408 Either their hairline, Eugene. 1197 00:48:30,450 --> 00:48:34,037 Or their personal lives. Me. And Stan. 1198 00:48:34,078 --> 00:48:36,831 I-I don't even need to know the details, but looking at Stan, 1199 00:48:36,873 --> 00:48:38,291 you just want to apologize 1200 00:48:38,333 --> 00:48:40,710 and tell him everything's gonna be okay, 1201 00:48:40,752 --> 00:48:43,421 which it won't... 'cause it's Stan. 1202 00:48:43,463 --> 00:48:47,216 -(laughter) -But men, those over there, and men in general, 1203 00:48:47,258 --> 00:48:50,053 think that they are the only ones who get to use comedy 1204 00:48:50,094 --> 00:48:52,847 to close up those holes in their soul. 1205 00:48:52,889 --> 00:48:55,308 They run around telling everyone that women aren't funny, 1206 00:48:55,350 --> 00:48:57,935 -only men are funny. -(scattered laughter) 1207 00:48:57,977 --> 00:49:01,022 SUSIE: Sorry. Give me a minute. God, this thing is heavy. 1208 00:49:01,064 --> 00:49:04,359 -Okay, go ahead. -Now, think about this. 1209 00:49:04,400 --> 00:49:09,155 Comedy is fueled by oppression, 1210 00:49:09,197 --> 00:49:12,867 by the lack of power, 1211 00:49:12,909 --> 00:49:16,245 by sadness and disappointment, 1212 00:49:16,287 --> 00:49:18,581 by abandonment 1213 00:49:18,623 --> 00:49:21,417 and humiliation. 1214 00:49:21,459 --> 00:49:24,462 Now, who the hell does that describe more than women? 1215 00:49:24,504 --> 00:49:26,422 Judging by those standards, 1216 00:49:26,464 --> 00:49:29,550 only women should be funny. And Stan. 1217 00:49:29,592 --> 00:49:31,594 (laughter and cheering) 1218 00:49:34,806 --> 00:49:37,100 Speaking of things that women and Stan have in common, 1219 00:49:37,141 --> 00:49:38,476 have you heard this term 1220 00:49:38,518 --> 00:49:41,354 -"child bearing hips"? -(laughter) 1221 00:49:41,396 --> 00:49:42,980 You've been a great audience, everyone. 1222 00:49:43,022 --> 00:49:46,859 I'm Mrs. Maisel. Thank you. Good night. 1223 00:49:46,901 --> 00:49:48,986 On the way out, everyone give the boys a hug. 1224 00:49:49,028 --> 00:49:52,615 Or better yet, some fresh material. 1225 00:49:52,657 --> 00:49:55,076 -(cheers and applause) -Thank you. 1226 00:49:57,870 --> 00:49:59,831 -Thank you. -Shit, lady! 1227 00:49:59,872 --> 00:50:01,541 -You should stink more often. -(laughs) 1228 00:50:01,582 --> 00:50:03,042 BOBBY: What the hell was that? 1229 00:50:03,084 --> 00:50:05,545 Those are two of my best comics you shit all over tonight. 1230 00:50:05,586 --> 00:50:06,963 Well, they started it. 1231 00:50:07,004 --> 00:50:08,840 How am I supposed to get them back here 1232 00:50:08,881 --> 00:50:10,925 after I let some snot-nosed chick-comic take them down 1233 00:50:10,967 --> 00:50:12,593 in front of a room full of people? 1234 00:50:12,635 --> 00:50:14,887 -It wasn't really full. -A lot of them had left already. 1235 00:50:14,929 --> 00:50:17,056 Doesn't matter! You don't come into my club 1236 00:50:17,098 --> 00:50:18,933 and talk like that to my best earners. 1237 00:50:18,975 --> 00:50:20,393 People come in to see those guys. 1238 00:50:20,435 --> 00:50:21,853 Nobody comes in to see you 1239 00:50:21,894 --> 00:50:23,855 'cause nobody knows who the fuck you are! 1240 00:50:23,896 --> 00:50:25,898 Now here, take your money and get out of here 1241 00:50:25,940 --> 00:50:28,276 before I decide never to book you in this place again. 1242 00:50:31,654 --> 00:50:35,283 -Our first gig! (laughs) -Yeah! 1243 00:50:35,324 --> 00:50:37,326 ♪ ♪ 1244 00:50:47,211 --> 00:50:49,005 ♪ Where has the time all gone? ♪ 1245 00:50:49,046 --> 00:50:50,673 -Santé. -OTHERS: Santé. 1246 00:50:53,801 --> 00:50:57,722 Okay, boys, and the last round is on me. 1247 00:51:06,522 --> 00:51:08,900 ♪ We'll catch up ♪ 1248 00:51:08,941 --> 00:51:11,819 ♪ Some other time ♪ 1249 00:51:20,995 --> 00:51:24,665 ♪ Just when the fun is starting ♪ 1250 00:51:28,085 --> 00:51:32,924 ♪ Comes the time for parting... ♪ 1251 00:51:37,053 --> 00:51:40,181 -♪ But let's be glad... ♪ -All set. 1252 00:51:40,223 --> 00:51:42,225 Oh, monsieur Weissman. 1253 00:51:50,233 --> 00:51:52,360 Good-bye, Marie. Au revoir. 1254 00:51:54,779 --> 00:51:55,780 Uh-huh. 1255 00:51:58,908 --> 00:52:01,327 I appreciated the extra towels. 1256 00:52:02,912 --> 00:52:05,915 ♪ Still to be done ♪ 1257 00:52:05,957 --> 00:52:09,794 ♪ But time is racing ♪ 1258 00:52:13,130 --> 00:52:15,550 ♪ Oh, well ♪ 1259 00:52:15,591 --> 00:52:18,219 ♪ We'll catch up ♪ 1260 00:52:18,261 --> 00:52:21,138 ♪ Some other time... ♪ 1261 00:52:21,180 --> 00:52:23,641 Au revoir, Rose! 1262 00:52:25,935 --> 00:52:28,688 (speaking French) 1263 00:52:28,729 --> 00:52:31,357 Bye-bye. 1264 00:52:31,399 --> 00:52:33,150 (voice breaking): Bye-bye. 1265 00:52:33,192 --> 00:52:36,571 -♪ We'll catch up ♪ -Bye-bye. 1266 00:52:36,612 --> 00:52:40,658 ♪ Some other ♪ 1267 00:52:40,700 --> 00:52:44,120 ♪ Time. ♪ 1268 00:52:47,331 --> 00:52:49,417 Zelda, the dean of admissions 1269 00:52:49,458 --> 00:52:50,918 will be coming for dinner tonight. 1270 00:52:50,960 --> 00:52:52,503 He heard about our trip to France 1271 00:52:52,545 --> 00:52:54,130 and wants to have something French. 1272 00:52:54,171 --> 00:52:56,007 -What can you make that's French? -Nothing. 1273 00:52:56,048 --> 00:52:58,301 What can you make that we can say is French, isn't, 1274 00:52:58,342 --> 00:52:59,719 -but he'll never know? -Goulash. 1275 00:52:59,760 --> 00:53:01,971 Perfect. 1276 00:53:02,013 --> 00:53:03,931 ETHAN: I'm done. 1277 00:53:03,973 --> 00:53:05,892 He ate his breakfast. How did that happen? 1278 00:53:05,933 --> 00:53:07,435 I put chocolate chips in his eggs. 1279 00:53:07,476 --> 00:53:09,520 You're a genius. It's nice to have you home, Mama. 1280 00:53:09,562 --> 00:53:11,856 Miriam, will you be home for dinner? 1281 00:53:11,898 --> 00:53:13,316 We're having authentic French goulash. 1282 00:53:13,357 --> 00:53:14,692 I'm pulling a double shift today. 1283 00:53:14,734 --> 00:53:17,320 Well, we haven't seen much of you since we got back. 1284 00:53:17,361 --> 00:53:19,322 Never heard what you were up to while we were gone. 1285 00:53:19,363 --> 00:53:23,034 I have five to eight minutes. Want to give me the highlights? 1286 00:53:23,075 --> 00:53:26,954 Well, I just... 1287 00:53:26,996 --> 00:53:29,582 hung out. I hung out. 1288 00:53:29,624 --> 00:53:33,085 Okay. Good talk. I'll be home at 6:00. 1289 00:53:35,171 --> 00:53:36,631 See you later, Mama. 1290 00:53:38,633 --> 00:53:41,469 -So, you'll meet me at 10:00? -Meet you where? 1291 00:53:41,510 --> 00:53:43,471 -My office. -At Columbia? 1292 00:53:43,512 --> 00:53:46,557 Of course. We had this discussion, don't you remember? 1293 00:53:46,599 --> 00:53:48,184 I have absolutely no memory of this. 1294 00:53:48,225 --> 00:53:51,312 They don't let women audit the art history classes 1295 00:53:51,354 --> 00:53:52,730 unless they're grad students. 1296 00:53:52,772 --> 00:53:54,649 However, I talked to the head of the department, 1297 00:53:54,690 --> 00:53:56,317 and he said he would make an exception 1298 00:53:56,359 --> 00:53:58,319 but wanted to know what classes. 1299 00:53:58,361 --> 00:54:00,237 What classes what? 1300 00:54:00,279 --> 00:54:01,364 What classes you wanted to audit. 1301 00:54:01,405 --> 00:54:02,740 For God's sake, keep up, woman. 1302 00:54:02,782 --> 00:54:06,452 -Are you serious? -I told him we'd come by at 10:15. 1303 00:54:06,494 --> 00:54:08,329 His office is right next to mine, 1304 00:54:08,371 --> 00:54:11,040 but I was taking into account your slow pace in those heels. 1305 00:54:11,082 --> 00:54:13,250 So, yes? 1306 00:54:13,292 --> 00:54:14,418 -Yes. -Good. 1307 00:54:14,460 --> 00:54:17,922 See you then. 1308 00:54:17,964 --> 00:54:21,258 Oh, and I signed us up for dance classes, Arthur Murray. 1309 00:54:21,300 --> 00:54:23,761 We can't be caught out again like that night on the Seine. 1310 00:54:23,803 --> 00:54:26,806 I mean, we were adorable, but our technique was terrible. 1311 00:54:30,226 --> 00:54:34,063 Zelda, we're gonna serve coq au vin tonight. I'll help. 1312 00:54:34,105 --> 00:54:37,066 What? What did you say? Did you say you'll help? 1313 00:54:37,108 --> 00:54:39,068 Help me cook? Are you feeling all right? 1314 00:54:39,110 --> 00:54:40,528 Should I call a doctor? 1315 00:54:40,569 --> 00:54:43,614 (man shouting in distance) 1316 00:54:46,701 --> 00:54:49,870 (glass breaking in distance) 1317 00:54:49,912 --> 00:54:51,872 ♪ The butcher, the baker ♪ 1318 00:54:51,914 --> 00:54:56,669 ♪ The grocer, the clerk are secretly ♪ 1319 00:54:56,711 --> 00:55:01,549 ♪ Unhappy men because ♪ 1320 00:55:01,590 --> 00:55:04,385 ♪ The butcher, the baker ♪ 1321 00:55:04,427 --> 00:55:06,804 ♪ The grocer, the clerk ♪ 1322 00:55:06,846 --> 00:55:09,265 ♪ Get paid for what they do ♪ 1323 00:55:09,306 --> 00:55:12,852 ♪ But no applause ♪ 1324 00:55:12,893 --> 00:55:15,980 ♪ They'd gladly bid their dreary jobs ♪ 1325 00:55:16,022 --> 00:55:18,816 ♪ Good-bye ♪ 1326 00:55:18,858 --> 00:55:22,236 ♪ For anything theatrical ♪ 1327 00:55:22,278 --> 00:55:24,822 ♪ And why? ♪ 1328 00:55:24,864 --> 00:55:27,199 Fuck. 1329 00:55:27,241 --> 00:55:32,079 ♪ There's no business like show business ♪ 1330 00:55:32,121 --> 00:55:34,957 ♪ Like no business ♪ 1331 00:55:34,999 --> 00:55:38,085 ♪ I know ♪ 1332 00:55:38,127 --> 00:55:40,755 ♪ Everything about it ♪ 1333 00:55:40,796 --> 00:55:43,883 ♪ Is appealing ♪ 1334 00:55:43,924 --> 00:55:46,302 ♪ Everything that traffic ♪ 1335 00:55:46,343 --> 00:55:49,388 ♪ Will allow ♪ 1336 00:55:49,430 --> 00:55:54,310 ♪ Nowhere could you get that happy feeling ♪ 1337 00:55:54,351 --> 00:55:57,063 ♪ When you are stealing ♪ 1338 00:55:57,104 --> 00:56:00,107 ♪ That extra bow ♪ 1339 00:56:00,149 --> 00:56:03,152 ♪ There's no people ♪ 1340 00:56:03,194 --> 00:56:06,030 ♪ Like show people ♪ 1341 00:56:06,072 --> 00:56:07,990 ♪ They smile ♪ 1342 00:56:08,032 --> 00:56:12,036 ♪ When they are low ♪ 1343 00:56:12,078 --> 00:56:14,371 ♪ Even when they tell you ♪ 1344 00:56:14,413 --> 00:56:17,374 ♪ That your show will fold ♪ 1345 00:56:17,416 --> 00:56:20,211 ♪ You may be stranded ♪ 1346 00:56:20,252 --> 00:56:23,339 ♪ Out in the cold ♪ 1347 00:56:23,380 --> 00:56:25,758 ♪ Still you wouldn't change it ♪ 1348 00:56:25,800 --> 00:56:28,469 ♪ For a sack of gold ♪ 1349 00:56:28,511 --> 00:56:33,474 ♪ Let's go on with the show ♪ 1350 00:56:41,398 --> 00:56:44,902 ♪ There's no people ♪ 1351 00:56:44,944 --> 00:56:47,780 ♪ Like show people ♪ 1352 00:56:47,822 --> 00:56:50,366 ♪ They smile when ♪ 1353 00:56:50,407 --> 00:56:53,994 ♪ They are low ♪ 1354 00:56:54,036 --> 00:56:56,330 ♪ Yesterday they told you ♪ 1355 00:56:56,372 --> 00:56:59,416 ♪ You would not go far ♪ 1356 00:56:59,458 --> 00:57:02,211 ♪ That night you open ♪ 1357 00:57:02,253 --> 00:57:05,256 ♪ And there you are ♪ 1358 00:57:05,297 --> 00:57:08,008 ♪ Next day on your dressing room ♪ 1359 00:57:08,050 --> 00:57:10,845 ♪ They've hung a star ♪ 1360 00:57:10,886 --> 00:57:13,139 ♪ Let's go on ♪ 1361 00:57:13,180 --> 00:57:15,808 ♪ With the show. ♪