1 00:00:07,550 --> 00:00:09,343 -(bell dings) -♪ Bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom ♪ 2 00:00:09,385 --> 00:00:11,095 ♪ Bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom ♪ 3 00:00:11,137 --> 00:00:13,556 -♪ Mr. Sandman... ♪ -You know, when we have kids, 4 00:00:13,597 --> 00:00:14,974 we're gonna have to go home at night. 5 00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:16,726 What? Who says? 6 00:00:16,767 --> 00:00:18,477 The We Are Not Shitty Parents Handbook. 7 00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:20,146 -That commie rag. -(chuckles softly) 8 00:00:20,187 --> 00:00:22,106 -Our kids are gonna be cool kids. -Club kids. 9 00:00:22,148 --> 00:00:24,692 -Daylight will hurt their eyes. -Vampire kids. 10 00:00:24,734 --> 00:00:27,528 They'll talk in slang and fall asleep to Charlie Parker. 11 00:00:27,570 --> 00:00:30,072 -Rehab kids. -Every kid will want to be our kid. 12 00:00:30,114 --> 00:00:32,533 You know, I saw Taffy and Dell's baby the other day. 13 00:00:32,575 --> 00:00:35,578 -Yeah? How was it? -Big, loud. 14 00:00:35,619 --> 00:00:36,996 Needy. Like Dell. 15 00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:38,456 If his parenting skills are anything like 16 00:00:38,497 --> 00:00:40,791 his softball skills, that kid is going down. 17 00:00:40,833 --> 00:00:43,419 -A lot. -Their nursery was beautiful, though. 18 00:00:43,461 --> 00:00:46,756 They painted Babar on the ceiling and Eloise on the walls. 19 00:00:46,797 --> 00:00:48,549 -Ours will be better. -Really? 20 00:00:48,591 --> 00:00:51,385 I'm gonna get the real Babar and shove his ass in the closet. 21 00:00:51,427 --> 00:00:53,304 That won't be too traumatizing for her. 22 00:00:53,345 --> 00:00:55,431 Or him. 23 00:00:55,473 --> 00:00:56,807 (mouthing) 24 00:00:56,849 --> 00:00:59,643 -What? -We have the apartment now. 25 00:00:59,685 --> 00:01:02,521 Plenty of space, parents right upstairs, 26 00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:04,148 always around to babysit... 27 00:01:04,190 --> 00:01:06,567 -Always around. -You're doing great at work. 28 00:01:06,609 --> 00:01:09,653 -Money's coming in. -Dresses are coming in faster. 29 00:01:09,695 --> 00:01:13,657 You think maybe... it's time? 30 00:01:13,699 --> 00:01:15,659 Hmm. I don't know. 31 00:01:15,701 --> 00:01:17,453 We're close. 32 00:01:17,495 --> 00:01:19,663 It might be time to get serious about trying, though. 33 00:01:19,705 --> 00:01:21,874 -Uh-huh. -I mean really trying. 34 00:01:21,916 --> 00:01:24,335 I could stay home from work all next week and try a lot. 35 00:01:24,376 --> 00:01:25,878 Every ten to 15 minutes if you want. 36 00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:27,296 Talk about chutzpah. 37 00:01:27,338 --> 00:01:29,507 And we will try till we get it right. 38 00:01:29,548 --> 00:01:31,884 And I am nothing if not a perfectionist. 39 00:01:31,926 --> 00:01:33,344 Pay the check, please. 40 00:01:33,385 --> 00:01:35,429 If we have to stay in that froufrou bedroom of ours 41 00:01:35,471 --> 00:01:37,389 for the next six months trying, we will. 42 00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:40,810 No food, no water, just a whole lot of trying. 43 00:01:40,851 --> 00:01:42,770 -Leave a good tip. -I always do. 44 00:01:42,812 --> 00:01:44,271 Oh, by the way, I'm pregnant. 45 00:01:44,313 --> 00:01:45,815 Ooh, hey, a cab. 46 00:01:45,856 --> 00:01:48,108 -I'll get it. -Did you say you're pregnant? 47 00:01:48,150 --> 00:01:50,820 Midge? Are you serious? 48 00:01:50,861 --> 00:01:52,613 Wait, am I the father? 49 00:01:52,655 --> 00:01:54,865 RADIO HOST: It's now or never. 50 00:01:56,867 --> 00:01:58,869 MIDGE: All the tour dates have changed, 51 00:01:58,911 --> 00:02:00,329 so I need to remake the kids' schedule. 52 00:02:00,371 --> 00:02:01,956 I could have Mrs. Moskowitz do it. 53 00:02:01,997 --> 00:02:03,916 I can make the schedule for the kids, Joel. 54 00:02:03,958 --> 00:02:06,585 Okay, fine. Make the schedule. 55 00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:08,462 Here's this month's money. 56 00:02:08,504 --> 00:02:10,130 Now, what do we do about Collegiate? 57 00:02:10,172 --> 00:02:11,924 It's an amazing school, and Ethan got in. 58 00:02:11,966 --> 00:02:13,884 -We throw a party, right? -Really? 59 00:02:13,926 --> 00:02:15,928 -That's your answer? -It's what we wanted. 60 00:02:15,970 --> 00:02:17,388 It's what we wanted two years ago. 61 00:02:17,429 --> 00:02:19,014 -Things are different now. -Ethan at Collegiate. 62 00:02:19,056 --> 00:02:20,558 Esther at Brearley. That was the plan. 63 00:02:20,599 --> 00:02:22,226 Look, it's great he got in, but let's face it. 64 00:02:22,268 --> 00:02:23,769 Collegiate's not cheap. 65 00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:26,188 And we're both working now, and we're both working nights. 66 00:02:26,230 --> 00:02:28,482 Once this club opens, I'm fucking Dracula. 67 00:02:28,524 --> 00:02:30,818 You're on tour, and even when you get back... 68 00:02:30,860 --> 00:02:32,319 What are you saying, Joel? 69 00:02:33,362 --> 00:02:34,905 I think we should consider 70 00:02:34,947 --> 00:02:36,949 putting him in school in Queens. 71 00:02:36,991 --> 00:02:38,325 I'm sorry. I wasn't ready. 72 00:02:38,367 --> 00:02:40,286 Let me get a sip of water so I can do a proper spit take. 73 00:02:40,327 --> 00:02:42,162 -Midge... -If anything calls for a spit take, 74 00:02:42,204 --> 00:02:43,664 it's the words "school in Queens." 75 00:02:43,706 --> 00:02:45,249 Collegiate's on the Upper West Side. 76 00:02:45,291 --> 00:02:46,917 No one in our family lives 77 00:02:46,959 --> 00:02:49,128 -on the Upper West Side. -Have you heard of a car? 78 00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:50,963 I am gonna be at the club every night once it opens. 79 00:02:51,005 --> 00:02:52,464 Ethan starts school in fall. 80 00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:54,341 Where are you in the fall? Let me see. 81 00:02:54,383 --> 00:02:57,386 My, we have discovered a flair for the dramatic, haven't we? 82 00:02:57,428 --> 00:02:59,680 Dusseldorf, Frankfurt, Zurich, Stockholm. 83 00:02:59,722 --> 00:03:02,349 Great. So, I'll take him, you pick him up? 84 00:03:02,391 --> 00:03:05,185 Joel, our children cannot go to school in Queens. 85 00:03:05,227 --> 00:03:08,022 -Why? -Because... Queens. 86 00:03:08,063 --> 00:03:10,107 -Need a little more. -He has to go to the best school. 87 00:03:10,149 --> 00:03:11,275 He has to be with the bright kids, 88 00:03:11,317 --> 00:03:12,568 or he won't live up to his potential. 89 00:03:12,610 --> 00:03:13,819 They say he's advanced. 90 00:03:13,861 --> 00:03:15,404 -Ethan? -Yes. 91 00:03:15,446 --> 00:03:16,488 Our Ethan? 92 00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:18,115 -Yes. -Who says that? 93 00:03:18,157 --> 00:03:19,950 -They. -Who's they? 94 00:03:19,992 --> 00:03:22,661 -Them. -Advanced. Ethan? 95 00:03:22,703 --> 00:03:24,246 They said he shows promise. 96 00:03:24,288 --> 00:03:25,497 -"Promise" I can buy. -But, Joel, 97 00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:27,583 "promise" can turn into potential at Collegiate. 98 00:03:27,625 --> 00:03:30,044 If he goes to Queens U, "promise" turns into, 99 00:03:30,085 --> 00:03:32,171 "Move it, pal, forklift coming through." 100 00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:33,797 First of all, if he gets into Queens U at five, 101 00:03:33,839 --> 00:03:35,174 he's definitely advanced. 102 00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:37,384 And second, I'm not the bad guy here. 103 00:03:37,426 --> 00:03:39,470 Think practically for a second. I have to move out 104 00:03:39,511 --> 00:03:41,138 of the factory soon or it's just weird. 105 00:03:41,180 --> 00:03:43,057 I should find an apartment close to the club, 106 00:03:43,098 --> 00:03:45,184 so we can put him in a school in Chinatown 107 00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:47,102 if we want him to be behind in two languages. 108 00:03:47,144 --> 00:03:48,812 His grandparents live in Queens. 109 00:03:48,854 --> 00:03:51,273 Both sets. And somebody should be with the kids at night. 110 00:03:51,315 --> 00:03:53,108 You had to pick now to open the club, right? 111 00:03:53,150 --> 00:03:54,735 -Great timing. -Hey. 112 00:03:54,777 --> 00:03:56,195 Sorry about the timing, but if you remember, 113 00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:58,364 you were supposed to be in the homestretch of your tour by now. 114 00:03:58,405 --> 00:04:01,200 No one told me to add two months so Shy could have a breakdown. 115 00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:03,619 It wasn't a breakdown. He was exhausted. 116 00:04:03,661 --> 00:04:05,412 And if Ethan goes to school in Queens 117 00:04:05,454 --> 00:04:07,039 and later finds out he got into Collegiate, 118 00:04:07,081 --> 00:04:08,332 he will hold it against us. 119 00:04:08,374 --> 00:04:10,793 -We won't tell him. -Someday he will date a girl 120 00:04:10,834 --> 00:04:12,336 whose father is the head of Collegiate admissions, 121 00:04:12,378 --> 00:04:13,420 and he will mention that they were 122 00:04:13,462 --> 00:04:14,588 very disappointed that we didn't 123 00:04:14,630 --> 00:04:15,839 put him in when he got accepted, 124 00:04:15,881 --> 00:04:17,508 and then we won't be invited to the wedding. 125 00:04:17,549 --> 00:04:19,426 How's he gonna meet this girl? He'll be in Queens. 126 00:04:19,468 --> 00:04:20,469 He'll go into the city. 127 00:04:20,511 --> 00:04:21,887 -We won't let him. -He'll find a way. 128 00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:23,013 We won't tell him there's a city. 129 00:04:23,055 --> 00:04:24,139 You don't think he's gonna know there's a city? 130 00:04:24,181 --> 00:04:26,141 -Won't he read? -He goes to school in Queens. 131 00:04:26,183 --> 00:04:27,309 Odds are fifty-fifty. 132 00:04:27,351 --> 00:04:29,228 Do you think this bit is helping things? 133 00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:30,312 I don't want to fight. 134 00:04:30,354 --> 00:04:31,855 I want him to go to Collegiate, too. 135 00:04:31,897 --> 00:04:33,482 I want him to be with the advanced kids. 136 00:04:33,524 --> 00:04:35,859 But I can't afford it, and we don't live there anymore. 137 00:04:39,405 --> 00:04:41,407 We don't have to decide this now. 138 00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:43,492 Shit. I have to... 139 00:04:43,534 --> 00:04:45,577 So do I. 140 00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:49,081 -Oh, listen, I need a favor. -Hmm? 141 00:04:49,123 --> 00:04:51,333 Talk to Imogene for Archie. 142 00:04:51,375 --> 00:04:53,585 The guy's drowning, and she just won't melt. 143 00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:55,587 -He's still at your place? -Yes. 144 00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:56,922 He's driving everybody crazy. 145 00:04:56,964 --> 00:04:58,507 Plus, he's an insurance hazard. 146 00:04:58,549 --> 00:05:00,801 There's not a pole in the place he hasn't slammed into. 147 00:05:00,843 --> 00:05:03,012 What's she still so mad about? Did he... 148 00:05:03,053 --> 00:05:05,055 No, no. He's done nothing, I swear. 149 00:05:05,097 --> 00:05:07,891 He said to tell Imogene he misses her, 150 00:05:07,933 --> 00:05:10,728 and they can go to the Poconos every year for Christmas 151 00:05:10,769 --> 00:05:12,813 if she'll just let him come home. Please? 152 00:05:12,855 --> 00:05:14,481 Okay. I'll talk to her. 153 00:05:14,523 --> 00:05:16,608 But I'm gonna leave the Poconos out for now. 154 00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:17,985 Archie has suffered enough. 155 00:05:17,985 --> 00:05:19,319 RADIO HOST: It's 11:15 in the morning 156 00:05:19,361 --> 00:05:21,822 here in New York City. 1010 WINS. 157 00:05:21,864 --> 00:05:24,116 And here are The Crew-Cuts with "Sh-Boom." 158 00:05:24,158 --> 00:05:26,118 ("Sh-Boom" by The Crew-Cuts playing) 159 00:05:28,620 --> 00:05:29,997 ♪ Oh, life could be a dream ♪ 160 00:05:30,039 --> 00:05:32,124 I didn't pay. Sorry. 161 00:05:32,166 --> 00:05:34,293 Here. 162 00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,795 I'm gonna be a father! (chuckles) 163 00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:38,756 ♪ I'm the only one that you love ♪ 164 00:05:38,797 --> 00:05:43,761 ♪ Life could be a dream, sweetheart. ♪ 165 00:05:43,802 --> 00:05:46,055 "One rarely sees anything as mystifying 166 00:05:46,096 --> 00:05:47,890 "as the production of Miss Julie 167 00:05:47,931 --> 00:05:50,476 "that took place last night at the Barrymore Theatre. 168 00:05:50,517 --> 00:05:54,063 "The experience was almost as if McSorley's closed early 169 00:05:54,104 --> 00:05:56,815 "and its inebriated patrons wandered over, 170 00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:59,276 "found a copy of Strindberg's play, 171 00:05:59,318 --> 00:06:01,445 dropped their pants and defecated on it." 172 00:06:01,487 --> 00:06:02,780 (laughs) 173 00:06:02,821 --> 00:06:04,823 "The performance was so debased 174 00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:06,784 "that one could almost recommend it 175 00:06:06,825 --> 00:06:08,869 "as an archeological exploration 176 00:06:08,911 --> 00:06:11,330 "into the decay of modern society. 177 00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:13,707 "However, despite the braying jackasses 178 00:06:13,749 --> 00:06:16,794 "delighting in Ms. Lennon's bizarre improvisations, 179 00:06:16,835 --> 00:06:20,089 "this production of Miss Julie will be closing tonight, 180 00:06:20,130 --> 00:06:22,091 one night after it opened." 181 00:06:22,132 --> 00:06:23,300 -Jackie. -What? 182 00:06:23,342 --> 00:06:24,635 You think I don't already know this shit? 183 00:06:24,676 --> 00:06:25,886 Shut the fuck up. 184 00:06:25,928 --> 00:06:27,596 They say there is no bad press. 185 00:06:27,638 --> 00:06:30,432 That in your hand is some grade A bad press. 186 00:06:30,474 --> 00:06:32,643 All right, fuckers. This is it. 187 00:06:32,684 --> 00:06:34,394 Washington Square Park is to the left 188 00:06:34,436 --> 00:06:36,563 if you give a shit. 189 00:06:36,605 --> 00:06:38,565 Hot water's out again. 190 00:06:38,607 --> 00:06:41,026 I'm gonna go check the water heater. 191 00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:43,487 Jesus, nobody wants to leave this apartment? 192 00:06:43,529 --> 00:06:45,280 (phone ringing) 193 00:06:45,322 --> 00:06:47,116 (Susie sighs) 194 00:06:49,868 --> 00:06:51,453 Hello. 195 00:06:51,495 --> 00:06:54,164 Hey, Suz. Listen, I have something I need to tell you. 196 00:06:54,206 --> 00:06:55,624 A-Are you sitting down? 197 00:06:55,666 --> 00:06:56,667 (snaps fingers) 198 00:06:59,002 --> 00:07:00,963 Yeah. 199 00:07:01,004 --> 00:07:02,214 Mom's dead. 200 00:07:02,256 --> 00:07:05,217 Oh, Jesus. You scared me for a minute, Tess. 201 00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:07,886 Didn't need to be sitting for that. What happened? 202 00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:10,055 -Her liver strangle her in her sleep? -No. 203 00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:12,099 She tried to crawl out of the window of the nursing home 204 00:07:12,141 --> 00:07:14,017 to go find some booze, and she fell. 205 00:07:14,059 --> 00:07:15,853 -Shit. -Three stories. 206 00:07:15,894 --> 00:07:17,229 Fuck. Bad way to go. 207 00:07:17,271 --> 00:07:18,689 No. No, she survived the fall, 208 00:07:18,730 --> 00:07:21,066 but then she rolled off the dock into the water. 209 00:07:21,108 --> 00:07:23,402 -So she drowned? -No. She was dog-paddling 210 00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:25,612 back to the docks and got hit by a boat. 211 00:07:25,654 --> 00:07:26,864 Holy Christ. 212 00:07:26,905 --> 00:07:29,116 But she survived that. They got her out, 213 00:07:29,158 --> 00:07:31,535 took her to a hospital, and she got an infection. 214 00:07:31,577 --> 00:07:33,370 I'm sorry, is she dead yet? 215 00:07:33,412 --> 00:07:34,955 Yep. Choked on the meds. 216 00:07:34,997 --> 00:07:36,623 Well, lady sure knew how to make an exit. 217 00:07:36,665 --> 00:07:37,833 Now we got to figure out the house. 218 00:07:37,875 --> 00:07:39,626 I don't really give a shit about that hellhole, 219 00:07:39,668 --> 00:07:41,962 -to be perfectly honest. -You know, she left it to us. 220 00:07:42,004 --> 00:07:44,256 What? I-Impossible. 221 00:07:44,298 --> 00:07:46,466 I'm going over her will. It says, 222 00:07:46,508 --> 00:07:49,344 "The house goes to the girls, 'cause my piece of shit son 223 00:07:49,386 --> 00:07:51,096 looks and smells just like his father." 224 00:07:51,138 --> 00:07:52,389 (chuckles): Boy, she really hated Artie. 225 00:07:52,431 --> 00:07:54,391 (chuckles): Remember when she tried to convince him 226 00:07:54,433 --> 00:07:55,726 he wasn't really hers 227 00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:57,144 and he should go find his real family? 228 00:07:57,186 --> 00:07:58,604 He was gone for a whole week. 229 00:07:58,645 --> 00:08:00,355 Yeah. That was fun. 230 00:08:00,397 --> 00:08:02,357 All right, look, I got to go. Uh, we'll figure something out. 231 00:08:02,399 --> 00:08:05,402 -Drink something, and I'll call you later. -Yeah. 232 00:08:08,113 --> 00:08:09,573 Hey, we ever gonna tell Chester 233 00:08:09,615 --> 00:08:11,700 there's no hot water and no hot water heater? 234 00:08:11,742 --> 00:08:13,160 Fuck, no. 235 00:08:13,202 --> 00:08:15,537 (both laugh) 236 00:08:15,579 --> 00:08:17,748 At the Button Club, gentlemen, we will be known 237 00:08:17,789 --> 00:08:19,625 as the spot with the best drinks, 238 00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:21,919 the best bartenders, the best entertainment. 239 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:25,172 Anyone who waters down the goods, they hit the pavement. 240 00:08:25,214 --> 00:08:28,008 Anyone skims from the till, they hit the pavement. 241 00:08:28,050 --> 00:08:31,094 I ordered five minutes ago. Why am I not drinking yet? 242 00:08:31,136 --> 00:08:33,889 Last... crate. 243 00:08:33,931 --> 00:08:35,933 Uh-huh. 244 00:08:35,974 --> 00:08:38,977 Hey, has Midge talked to Imogene yet? 245 00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:40,771 I haven't heard anything, and I don't want to call her 246 00:08:40,812 --> 00:08:42,231 if she hasn't, because when I call... 247 00:08:42,272 --> 00:08:43,398 she hangs up. 248 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:44,691 And it's a real hang-up, 249 00:08:44,733 --> 00:08:47,736 like a "bam," Midwestern dairy farmer type slam. 250 00:08:47,778 --> 00:08:49,947 It's terrifying. 251 00:08:49,988 --> 00:08:51,823 -Joel? -What? 252 00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:53,617 Midge? Imogene? 253 00:08:53,659 --> 00:08:55,452 Oh. I don't know. 254 00:08:55,494 --> 00:08:57,996 Hey, would you mind holding down the fort for a few minutes? 255 00:08:58,038 --> 00:09:00,290 I just want to make sure the fuse box is secure 256 00:09:00,332 --> 00:09:01,792 so we don't have any surprise blackouts. 257 00:09:01,833 --> 00:09:04,336 Sure. Mm. 258 00:09:04,378 --> 00:09:05,963 -Excuse me, could you... -I'm married! 259 00:09:06,004 --> 00:09:08,966 -I just had a question... -I love my wife! 260 00:09:09,007 --> 00:09:10,801 Mm-hmm. 261 00:09:10,842 --> 00:09:13,387 I want to go home. 262 00:09:13,428 --> 00:09:15,430 (loud chatter) 263 00:09:19,810 --> 00:09:21,812 (chatter stops) 264 00:09:21,853 --> 00:09:23,981 Sorry to interrupt. Just wanted you all to know 265 00:09:24,022 --> 00:09:26,024 that my club will be opening a week from today, 266 00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:27,985 and you're all invited. 267 00:09:28,026 --> 00:09:30,570 There's gonna be good drinks, ambiance, music, 268 00:09:30,612 --> 00:09:32,447 so come on down. 269 00:09:32,489 --> 00:09:35,409 Or up, actually. 270 00:09:36,410 --> 00:09:38,745 Oh, and, uh, I was hoping 271 00:09:38,787 --> 00:09:40,872 that maybe someone could get a message to Mei Lin? 272 00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:43,000 I haven't seen her for a while. 273 00:09:43,041 --> 00:09:45,544 We, um, had a fight. 274 00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,796 You don't need to hear the details, but I was an idiot. 275 00:09:47,838 --> 00:09:50,090 I tried to call her, but the number she gave me 276 00:09:50,132 --> 00:09:52,301 isn't hers anymore or was never hers. 277 00:09:52,342 --> 00:09:54,052 I don't know her address. 278 00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:56,847 I know she's in medical school, but I don't know which one. 279 00:09:56,888 --> 00:10:00,350 Actually, I don't really know anything about her. 280 00:10:00,392 --> 00:10:04,771 Except... she's got these great eyes. 281 00:10:04,813 --> 00:10:07,566 And she's smart and funny. 282 00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:10,986 She's incredibly mysterious, which is frustrating... 283 00:10:11,028 --> 00:10:12,696 and a little sexy. 284 00:10:12,738 --> 00:10:14,156 I'm sure you're all thinking, 285 00:10:14,197 --> 00:10:16,366 "How could he know so little about the person he's dating?" 286 00:10:16,408 --> 00:10:18,035 It's strange. 287 00:10:18,076 --> 00:10:20,537 Clearly, she doesn't want me to know a lot about her life, 288 00:10:20,579 --> 00:10:23,123 and, frankly, my life's been a mess this past year, 289 00:10:23,165 --> 00:10:25,459 so I wasn't too eager to share, either. 290 00:10:25,500 --> 00:10:28,962 I was married, and I cheated on my wife, 291 00:10:29,004 --> 00:10:31,256 which is not something you want to tell your new girlfriend. 292 00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:32,883 Not that she's my girlfriend. 293 00:10:32,924 --> 00:10:34,760 I don't know what she is. 294 00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:38,347 Anyhow, if you could let her know all this, I'd be grateful. 295 00:10:38,388 --> 00:10:40,640 This opening is a pretty big deal for me, 296 00:10:40,682 --> 00:10:43,602 and it won't be the same if she's not there. 297 00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:50,901 Oh, and really stress that eyes thing. 298 00:10:50,942 --> 00:10:53,070 I think she'll like that. 299 00:10:53,111 --> 00:10:55,655 Thanks. 300 00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:05,665 (loud chatter resumes) 301 00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:08,710 -Goulash. -Thank you, Zelda. 302 00:11:08,752 --> 00:11:10,962 -Sour cream. -Thank you, Zelda. 303 00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:12,839 Noodles. Don't forget the noodles. 304 00:11:12,881 --> 00:11:15,509 Thank you, Zelda. Do you see a pattern here? 305 00:11:15,550 --> 00:11:18,095 -What time is it? -7:36. 306 00:11:18,136 --> 00:11:19,805 -Four minutes left on my break. -MOISHE: Hmm. 307 00:11:19,846 --> 00:11:21,306 What, Moishe? 308 00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:22,974 MOISHE: Oh, nothing. 309 00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:25,811 I know you said the written word can change the world. 310 00:11:25,852 --> 00:11:27,479 Well, I just looked outside, 311 00:11:27,521 --> 00:11:29,481 and so far, it's exactly the same. 312 00:11:29,523 --> 00:11:31,274 -Oh, boy. -MOISHE: You know, Abe, 313 00:11:31,316 --> 00:11:33,402 when my father came over here from the old country, 314 00:11:33,443 --> 00:11:35,946 he wanted a little goat farm. 315 00:11:35,987 --> 00:11:37,280 Who knows why. 316 00:11:37,322 --> 00:11:39,866 The man was convinced goats were the future. 317 00:11:39,908 --> 00:11:41,701 We lived in a tenement on Rivington-- 318 00:11:41,743 --> 00:11:45,455 12 people, two rooms-- and yet this man wanted goats. 319 00:11:45,497 --> 00:11:47,290 He pushed a cart. He sold pickles. 320 00:11:47,332 --> 00:11:49,501 But he wanted goats. 321 00:11:49,543 --> 00:11:51,461 -You got to pass the noodles. Quickly. -MOISHE: In the end, 322 00:11:51,503 --> 00:11:54,297 the man dies out on a sidewalk, pickle in his hand, 323 00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:55,757 nothing in his pocket. 324 00:11:55,799 --> 00:11:57,217 No goats. 325 00:11:58,260 --> 00:11:59,928 Is there a point, Moishe? 326 00:11:59,970 --> 00:12:02,514 Really? He'd stopped. It was over. 327 00:12:02,556 --> 00:12:05,934 Sometimes what you want, what you get... 328 00:12:05,976 --> 00:12:08,520 two very different things. 329 00:12:08,562 --> 00:12:11,481 Don't worry, though. I am on the lookout. 330 00:12:11,523 --> 00:12:13,859 The minute I see that the world is changing, 331 00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:15,986 you'll be the first to know. 332 00:12:16,027 --> 00:12:19,990 But for now, your goat is a pickle. 333 00:12:20,031 --> 00:12:22,659 -WOMAN: Zelda? -Oh, I have to go. See you tomorrow. 334 00:12:22,701 --> 00:12:24,786 -WOMAN: Zelda! -He's right. 335 00:12:24,828 --> 00:12:26,121 -He's never right. -(door opens) 336 00:12:26,163 --> 00:12:27,706 I don't know what I thought was going to happen 337 00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:29,666 -with that article. -It's only been a week. 338 00:12:29,708 --> 00:12:32,294 You know what the op-ed in the Times is about today? 339 00:12:32,335 --> 00:12:35,338 The explosion of the deer population on Staten Island. 340 00:12:35,380 --> 00:12:36,506 Oh, Abe. 341 00:12:36,548 --> 00:12:37,966 Lubricious, fornicating deer. 342 00:12:38,008 --> 00:12:39,384 What should be done? 343 00:12:39,426 --> 00:12:40,635 You cannot let Moishe get in your head. 344 00:12:40,677 --> 00:12:42,095 I absolutely forbid it. 345 00:12:42,137 --> 00:12:43,430 I'm ashamed of myself. 346 00:12:43,472 --> 00:12:45,599 Getting excited over an article, 347 00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:48,226 like I won an honorary fireman's badge 348 00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:50,604 in elementary school. 349 00:12:50,645 --> 00:12:53,023 I've made a decision, Rose. 350 00:12:53,064 --> 00:12:55,192 -Mm. -I am going to tutor. 351 00:12:55,233 --> 00:12:58,278 -Tutor what? -Idiots. The city's teeming with them. 352 00:12:58,320 --> 00:12:59,988 Toss a rock, hit an idiot. 353 00:13:00,030 --> 00:13:02,908 I'll tutor, I'll coach, I'll substitute teach. 354 00:13:02,949 --> 00:13:05,744 Anything. This stops now. 355 00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:07,204 I am going to get serious, 356 00:13:07,245 --> 00:13:09,706 and I am going to get us out of this house. 357 00:13:09,748 --> 00:13:11,833 MOISHE: It's 7:39 in the evening, 358 00:13:11,875 --> 00:13:15,086 and the world is still exactly the same. 359 00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:16,755 (band playing "I'm Shakin'") 360 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:24,304 ♪ When you touch my hand and talk sweet talk ♪ 361 00:13:24,346 --> 00:13:27,557 ♪ I got a knockin' in my knees and a wobble in my walk ♪ 362 00:13:27,599 --> 00:13:29,893 ♪ And I'm tremblin' ♪ 363 00:13:29,935 --> 00:13:31,895 ♪ And I'm shakin' ♪ 364 00:13:31,937 --> 00:13:33,522 Holy shit, it's a nightclub. 365 00:13:33,563 --> 00:13:34,898 You did it, pal. 366 00:13:34,940 --> 00:13:36,775 You think those ceiling tiles are gonna stay up? 367 00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:39,110 I used every roll of Scotch tape I could steal from the office, 368 00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:40,946 so... hope so? 369 00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:42,531 Thanks, Archie. Really. 370 00:13:42,572 --> 00:13:43,865 I couldn't have done it without you. 371 00:13:43,907 --> 00:13:44,991 No, you could've. 372 00:13:45,033 --> 00:13:46,660 But you would've had to buy the tape. 373 00:13:46,701 --> 00:13:48,787 How do I look? Do I look like I'm in charge? 374 00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:50,622 Mrs. Moskowitz looks like she's in charge. 375 00:13:50,664 --> 00:13:52,415 Yep. I should've worn a brooch. 376 00:13:52,457 --> 00:13:54,626 Attracting quite a crowd here tonight. 377 00:13:54,668 --> 00:13:56,169 ♪ Comes over me ♪ 378 00:13:56,211 --> 00:13:58,380 Excuse me a minute. 379 00:13:58,421 --> 00:14:01,132 ♪ And I'm sweatin' ♪ 380 00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:03,134 ♪ And I'm shakin' ♪ 381 00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:05,345 -I see you got my message. -I did. 382 00:14:05,387 --> 00:14:07,889 Apparently you said something weird about my eyes. 383 00:14:07,931 --> 00:14:09,891 You look beautiful tonight. 384 00:14:09,933 --> 00:14:11,893 -I brought you something. -Oh, yeah? 385 00:14:11,935 --> 00:14:14,312 Little opening night gift. 386 00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:15,730 ♪ And I'm shakin' ♪ 387 00:14:15,772 --> 00:14:18,233 'Cause you're gonna run out. 388 00:14:18,275 --> 00:14:21,361 ♪ Feel like I've been run through the mill ♪ 389 00:14:21,403 --> 00:14:23,655 ♪ I can't move around, and I can't stand still ♪ 390 00:14:23,697 --> 00:14:25,991 -I missed you. -Well, remember that next time you're an idiot. 391 00:14:26,032 --> 00:14:27,867 Ah, so they told you I was an idiot. 392 00:14:27,909 --> 00:14:30,412 I did not need to be told. 393 00:14:30,453 --> 00:14:32,414 ♪ Samson was a mighty good man ♪ 394 00:14:32,455 --> 00:14:34,416 You will do anything for a roll of toilet paper. 395 00:14:34,457 --> 00:14:36,585 ♪ Strongest in his day ♪ 396 00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:40,046 ♪ Then along came Delilah and clipped his wig ♪ 397 00:14:40,088 --> 00:14:43,049 ♪ And it looks like you took me the same old way ♪ 398 00:14:43,091 --> 00:14:45,135 ♪ So I'm nervous ♪ 399 00:14:45,176 --> 00:14:47,637 ♪ And I'm shakin' ♪ 400 00:14:47,679 --> 00:14:49,264 Mrs. Maisel. 401 00:14:49,306 --> 00:14:52,017 My goodness. This is a surprise. 402 00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:53,435 Hello, Mrs. Moskowitz. 403 00:14:53,476 --> 00:14:55,729 -Good turnout, huh? -It is. 404 00:14:55,770 --> 00:14:58,690 Mr. Maisel worked very hard on the place. 405 00:14:58,732 --> 00:15:00,859 -I'm so proud of him. -(men laughing) 406 00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,944 Oh, it's a $1.50 cover charge. 407 00:15:02,986 --> 00:15:04,821 Eh, we'll catch you on the way out, Grandma. 408 00:15:04,863 --> 00:15:07,073 Oh, dear. I'm afraid that's not going to work. 409 00:15:07,115 --> 00:15:10,910 But luckily, my nephew plays Triple-A ball for the Yankees. 410 00:15:10,952 --> 00:15:12,495 He's a wonderful coach. 411 00:15:12,537 --> 00:15:14,372 -I'll be at the bar. -MOSKOWITZ: Philly! 412 00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:15,707 That one's on the house. 413 00:15:15,749 --> 00:15:17,042 ♪ Shakin' ♪ 414 00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:19,044 Oh, no. That's a nickel, dear. 415 00:15:19,085 --> 00:15:20,754 Oh, sorry. 416 00:15:20,795 --> 00:15:22,756 ♪ Shakin', shakin', shakin' ♪ 417 00:15:22,797 --> 00:15:24,799 ♪ Shakin', yeah. ♪ 418 00:15:24,841 --> 00:15:26,217 -(applause) -Thanks, everyone. 419 00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:28,261 We'll be back after a short break. 420 00:15:32,766 --> 00:15:34,184 Come with me. 421 00:15:34,225 --> 00:15:35,894 -What? Where? -(music plays over jukebox) 422 00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:37,896 Midge, you're here. 423 00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:40,106 Of course I'm here. You think I'd miss this? 424 00:15:40,148 --> 00:15:41,608 Thank you, really. 425 00:15:41,650 --> 00:15:43,443 I'd like you to meet someone. 426 00:15:43,485 --> 00:15:46,279 Mei, this is my ex-wife, Midge. 427 00:15:46,321 --> 00:15:49,282 Midge, I'd like you to meet Mei. 428 00:15:49,324 --> 00:15:51,660 -You were married? -What? 429 00:15:51,701 --> 00:15:53,244 You didn't tell her you were married? 430 00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:54,579 No, I did. 431 00:15:54,621 --> 00:15:55,747 Of course I did. 432 00:15:55,789 --> 00:15:56,998 You knew that I was married. 433 00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:58,166 -Nope. -Yes. 434 00:15:58,208 --> 00:15:59,918 Wow, Joel. Wow. 435 00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:01,419 Now, hold on just a second here. 436 00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:03,254 -I absolute... -(music stops abruptly) 437 00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:04,923 -(patrons groaning) -Shit. 438 00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:07,217 Just a momentary problem, folks. 439 00:16:07,258 --> 00:16:11,262 Can you just give me one second? 440 00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:12,931 MAN: Man, I just bought a drink. 441 00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:14,724 JOEL: I'm fixing it. Relax. 442 00:16:14,766 --> 00:16:16,142 -Archie. -ARCHIE: I love my wife! 443 00:16:16,184 --> 00:16:17,477 Oh, coming. 444 00:16:17,519 --> 00:16:19,187 I knew he was married. 445 00:16:19,229 --> 00:16:21,022 -I figured you did. -Good bluff. 446 00:16:21,064 --> 00:16:22,273 Back at you. 447 00:16:24,401 --> 00:16:26,945 So, you're the girlfriend. 448 00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:29,322 And you're the wife. 449 00:16:29,364 --> 00:16:31,908 I'm going to be a doctor. 450 00:16:32,951 --> 00:16:35,120 I'm gonna play the Apollo. 451 00:16:35,161 --> 00:16:36,579 (patrons murmuring angrily) 452 00:16:36,621 --> 00:16:37,831 MAN: Music! 453 00:16:37,872 --> 00:16:39,833 Natives are getting restless. 454 00:16:42,168 --> 00:16:43,962 Excuse me. 455 00:16:56,850 --> 00:16:59,811 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 456 00:16:59,853 --> 00:17:01,938 -Uh, I'm Midge Maisel. -(murmuring quiets) 457 00:17:01,980 --> 00:17:04,232 -Mrs. Maisel onstage. -(cheering, applause) 458 00:17:04,274 --> 00:17:06,067 Hey, thanks. 459 00:17:06,109 --> 00:17:08,194 I haven't played my hometown for a while. 460 00:17:08,236 --> 00:17:09,863 I've been touring with Shy Baldwin 461 00:17:09,904 --> 00:17:11,197 for a few months, so... 462 00:17:11,239 --> 00:17:13,074 (cheering, applause) 463 00:17:13,116 --> 00:17:15,827 Nice to know that people haven't forgotten me. 464 00:17:15,869 --> 00:17:18,705 -(light laughter) -You haven't forgotten me. 465 00:17:18,747 --> 00:17:21,332 My kids have completely forgotten me. 466 00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:23,585 -(laughter) -They've gotten very jaded 467 00:17:23,626 --> 00:17:25,170 having a mother in show business. 468 00:17:25,211 --> 00:17:26,588 I-I showed up the other day. 469 00:17:26,629 --> 00:17:28,256 My daughter pointed to her diaper and said, 470 00:17:28,298 --> 00:17:30,258 -"Sweetie, would you get this?" -(laughter) 471 00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:32,177 Then she lit her cigarette, 472 00:17:32,218 --> 00:17:35,138 refilled her daiquiri bottle and fired her agent. 473 00:17:35,180 --> 00:17:38,475 And now both her parents are in the biz. 474 00:17:38,516 --> 00:17:39,893 Oh, yeah. 475 00:17:39,934 --> 00:17:41,269 This is what happens when you leave. 476 00:17:41,311 --> 00:17:42,395 Remember the first time? 477 00:17:42,437 --> 00:17:43,813 (laughter) 478 00:17:43,855 --> 00:17:46,483 In case you don't know, this club is owned 479 00:17:46,524 --> 00:17:49,736 by my again soon to be ex-husband, Joel Maisel. 480 00:17:49,778 --> 00:17:51,196 (whooping, applause) 481 00:17:51,237 --> 00:17:54,657 And I am here tonight to say... 482 00:17:54,699 --> 00:17:56,951 -that half's mine. -(laughter) 483 00:17:56,993 --> 00:17:58,578 I'm kidding. 484 00:17:58,620 --> 00:18:00,747 Always take the side with the bathroom. 485 00:18:00,789 --> 00:18:02,332 (laughter) 486 00:18:02,373 --> 00:18:05,835 -Joel is a great father. -CROWD: Aw. 487 00:18:05,877 --> 00:18:08,838 And I just wanted to get up here and tell him that, 488 00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:12,425 because we had a little tiff earlier this week about our son. 489 00:18:12,467 --> 00:18:14,844 Our five-year-old just got into Collegiate, 490 00:18:14,886 --> 00:18:16,971 and it costs so much, we have to sell him for parts 491 00:18:17,013 --> 00:18:18,890 -to get the tuition. -(laughter) 492 00:18:18,932 --> 00:18:23,645 My daughter is watching this process very nervously. 493 00:18:23,686 --> 00:18:27,273 It's so hard to raise kids when you're married. 494 00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:31,069 It's really hard to raise kids when you're divorced. 495 00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:33,488 But it's not that hard to raise them 496 00:18:33,530 --> 00:18:36,533 -when their dad's a great guy. -CROWD: Aw. 497 00:18:36,574 --> 00:18:37,617 But, Joel, there's no fucking way 498 00:18:37,659 --> 00:18:38,952 our kids are going to school in Queens. 499 00:18:38,993 --> 00:18:40,286 I'll burn this fucking place to the ground. 500 00:18:40,328 --> 00:18:41,788 -Have a great time, everybody. -(cheering, applause) 501 00:18:41,830 --> 00:18:44,999 And drink up. All proceeds go to Collegiate. 502 00:18:45,041 --> 00:18:46,626 (cheering continues) 503 00:18:46,668 --> 00:18:49,462 ("'Tain't What You Do" by Jimmie Lunceford playing) 504 00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:54,467 ♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪ 505 00:18:54,509 --> 00:18:56,094 ♪ It's the way that you do it ♪ 506 00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:57,554 ♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪ 507 00:18:57,595 --> 00:18:59,013 ♪ It's the way that you do it ♪ 508 00:18:59,055 --> 00:19:00,265 ♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪ 509 00:19:00,306 --> 00:19:01,850 ♪ It's the way that you do it ♪ 510 00:19:01,891 --> 00:19:03,560 ♪ That's what gets results ♪ 511 00:19:03,601 --> 00:19:04,853 ♪ Mama, mama ♪ 512 00:19:04,894 --> 00:19:06,104 ♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪ 513 00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:07,814 ♪ It's the time that you do it ♪ 514 00:19:07,856 --> 00:19:09,274 -(horn honks) -♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪ 515 00:19:09,315 --> 00:19:10,733 ♪ It's the time that you do it ♪ 516 00:19:10,775 --> 00:19:12,026 -Sorry. -♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪ 517 00:19:12,068 --> 00:19:13,778 ♪ It's the time that you do it ♪ 518 00:19:13,820 --> 00:19:15,613 ♪ That's what gets results ♪ 519 00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:18,491 -♪ Oh ♪ -♪ You can try hard ♪ 520 00:19:18,533 --> 00:19:21,870 -♪ Don't mean a thing ♪ -♪ Don't mean a thing ♪ 521 00:19:21,911 --> 00:19:25,206 -♪ Take it easy ♪ -♪ Breezy ♪ 522 00:19:25,248 --> 00:19:27,417 ♪ Then your jive will swing ♪ 523 00:19:27,458 --> 00:19:29,210 ♪ Oh, it ain't what you do ♪ 524 00:19:29,252 --> 00:19:30,962 ♪ It's the place that you do it ♪ 525 00:19:31,004 --> 00:19:32,463 ♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪ 526 00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:34,215 ♪ It's the place that you do it ♪ 527 00:19:34,257 --> 00:19:35,717 ♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪ 528 00:19:35,758 --> 00:19:37,385 ♪ It's the place that you do it ♪ 529 00:19:37,427 --> 00:19:39,429 ♪ That's what gets results ♪ 530 00:19:39,470 --> 00:19:41,514 (sewing machines whirring) 531 00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:47,103 Hello, Bernice. 532 00:19:47,145 --> 00:19:48,271 I've missed you. 533 00:19:48,313 --> 00:19:49,814 Hi. 534 00:19:52,609 --> 00:19:54,235 Hello, girls. 535 00:19:54,277 --> 00:19:55,778 Hi. 536 00:20:00,825 --> 00:20:02,869 Manny. You on a break again? 537 00:20:02,911 --> 00:20:04,704 How do you define "break"? 538 00:20:04,746 --> 00:20:05,955 ♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪ 539 00:20:05,997 --> 00:20:07,540 ♪ It's the way that you do it ♪ 540 00:20:07,582 --> 00:20:09,042 ♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪ 541 00:20:09,083 --> 00:20:10,585 ♪ It's the way that you do it ♪ 542 00:20:10,627 --> 00:20:12,003 ♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪ 543 00:20:12,045 --> 00:20:13,588 ♪ It's the way that you do it ♪ 544 00:20:13,630 --> 00:20:15,173 ♪ That's what gets results ♪ 545 00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:16,591 ♪ Mama, mama ♪ 546 00:20:16,633 --> 00:20:17,842 ♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪ 547 00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:19,302 ♪ It's the time that you do it ♪ 548 00:20:19,344 --> 00:20:20,678 ♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪ 549 00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,347 ♪ It's the time that you do it ♪ 550 00:20:22,388 --> 00:20:23,765 ♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪ 551 00:20:23,806 --> 00:20:25,224 ♪ It's the time that you do it ♪ 552 00:20:25,266 --> 00:20:27,268 ♪ That's what gets results ♪ 553 00:20:27,310 --> 00:20:30,313 ♪ ♪ 554 00:20:30,355 --> 00:20:31,898 Paulette, hi. 555 00:20:31,940 --> 00:20:34,067 -Have you seen Moishe? -Over there. 556 00:20:34,108 --> 00:20:35,318 He's over there. 557 00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:37,570 Do you notice anything, anything at all? 558 00:20:37,612 --> 00:20:39,405 Just throw it out there. 559 00:20:39,447 --> 00:20:41,282 -They don't match. -They do not match. 560 00:20:41,324 --> 00:20:43,076 So, you see, you would need to find 561 00:20:43,117 --> 00:20:45,787 a very specific person to wear these sleeves, right? 562 00:20:45,828 --> 00:20:47,330 A person whose... 563 00:20:47,372 --> 00:20:49,040 -Arms don't match? -Exactly. 564 00:20:49,082 --> 00:20:52,085 Now, I am not saying that this person does not exist, 565 00:20:52,126 --> 00:20:54,754 but the market is probably small, so why don't we... 566 00:20:54,796 --> 00:20:56,047 Make the sleeves match. 567 00:20:56,089 --> 00:20:57,674 You should be running this place. 568 00:20:57,715 --> 00:20:59,008 Hello, Moishe. 569 00:20:59,050 --> 00:21:00,551 Well, well, well, Miriam. 570 00:21:00,593 --> 00:21:02,303 This is a surprise. 571 00:21:02,345 --> 00:21:05,765 I was just in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd drop in. 572 00:21:05,807 --> 00:21:07,600 -What did he do? -Who? 573 00:21:07,642 --> 00:21:10,061 -My son. -Nothing. 574 00:21:10,103 --> 00:21:12,647 I just came here to talk a little business. 575 00:21:12,689 --> 00:21:14,774 -With me? -Yes. 576 00:21:14,816 --> 00:21:16,275 You need a dress? 577 00:21:16,317 --> 00:21:18,736 Always, but that's not why I'm here. 578 00:21:22,407 --> 00:21:24,158 I want to buy my apartment. 579 00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:25,952 -I'm sorry? -Do you still own it? 580 00:21:25,994 --> 00:21:26,953 -Your apartment? -Yes. 581 00:21:26,995 --> 00:21:28,162 The apartment I bought 582 00:21:28,204 --> 00:21:29,205 for you and Joel-- that apartment? 583 00:21:29,247 --> 00:21:30,248 That's the one. 584 00:21:30,289 --> 00:21:31,582 -I do. -How much? 585 00:21:31,624 --> 00:21:32,834 -Explain. -Well, as you know, 586 00:21:32,875 --> 00:21:34,919 my career's really taking off now. 587 00:21:34,961 --> 00:21:36,838 -Your career as what? -As a comedian. 588 00:21:36,879 --> 00:21:39,382 But you can't tell a joke. We tried that. It didn't work. 589 00:21:39,424 --> 00:21:42,135 Be that as it may, I have been working steadily for a year now. 590 00:21:42,176 --> 00:21:44,053 I have a chunk of a down payment already saved. 591 00:21:44,095 --> 00:21:45,847 I have not spent a dime of my earnings. 592 00:21:45,888 --> 00:21:47,807 My manager has been holding onto all of my money, 593 00:21:47,849 --> 00:21:50,226 so I assure you, none of it is going to hats. 594 00:21:50,268 --> 00:21:52,145 Are you and Joel getting back together? 595 00:21:52,186 --> 00:21:53,980 No, we are not. 596 00:21:54,022 --> 00:21:55,356 Then why do you want the apartment? 597 00:21:55,398 --> 00:21:56,607 For me. 598 00:21:56,649 --> 00:21:57,817 For my kids. 599 00:21:57,859 --> 00:21:59,235 For my family. 600 00:21:59,277 --> 00:22:01,529 Hold on. By "family," you mean... 601 00:22:01,571 --> 00:22:03,990 Mama and Papa will stay with me until they're settled. 602 00:22:04,032 --> 00:22:06,034 You have officially piqued my interest. 603 00:22:06,075 --> 00:22:07,368 What do you think? 604 00:22:07,410 --> 00:22:09,245 Does Joel know about this? 605 00:22:09,287 --> 00:22:10,496 Moishe, this is not about Joel. 606 00:22:10,538 --> 00:22:11,873 This is about me. 607 00:22:11,914 --> 00:22:13,750 I want to decide where my children grow up 608 00:22:13,791 --> 00:22:15,001 and where they go to school. 609 00:22:15,043 --> 00:22:16,294 I love that apartment. 610 00:22:16,335 --> 00:22:17,920 I want to own it. 611 00:22:17,962 --> 00:22:21,799 I want to buy it with my money that I earned. 612 00:22:28,264 --> 00:22:30,308 Do you have any collateral? 613 00:22:31,768 --> 00:22:33,770 My contract with Shy Baldwin. 614 00:22:33,811 --> 00:22:35,396 It lays out everything. 615 00:22:35,438 --> 00:22:37,356 Six months in Europe, a variety special in spring, 616 00:22:37,398 --> 00:22:38,775 a Christmas special in December, 617 00:22:38,816 --> 00:22:40,526 both with guaranteed spots for me. 618 00:22:40,568 --> 00:22:42,695 Christmas special, like with Bob Hope? 619 00:22:42,737 --> 00:22:44,447 Yes, but without Bob Hope. 620 00:22:44,489 --> 00:22:45,823 Bob Hope does great specials. 621 00:22:45,865 --> 00:22:48,159 This will be a great special, just without Bob Hope. 622 00:22:48,201 --> 00:22:50,578 If it's a Christmas special, it should really have Bob Hope. 623 00:22:50,620 --> 00:22:52,413 What do you think, Moishe? 624 00:22:54,415 --> 00:22:57,794 I want you to know that I never liked what my son did to you. 625 00:22:57,835 --> 00:22:59,879 You were a good girl. 626 00:22:59,921 --> 00:23:03,841 I will never understand what was going through his head. 627 00:23:03,883 --> 00:23:06,094 I don't want any favors, Moishe. I don't want pity. 628 00:23:06,135 --> 00:23:08,387 I don't expect you to sell the apartment to me cheap 629 00:23:08,429 --> 00:23:10,640 -just because I'm family. -But it would be nice. 630 00:23:10,681 --> 00:23:13,267 Well, sure. I mean, your son did dump me, and I am family. 631 00:23:13,309 --> 00:23:16,312 Okay, that was a little funny. 632 00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:20,233 So... Moishe... 633 00:23:20,274 --> 00:23:21,651 what do you say? 634 00:23:21,692 --> 00:23:22,944 ANNOUNCER: 60 seconds to go in the fourth round. 635 00:23:22,985 --> 00:23:24,070 The usual? 636 00:23:24,112 --> 00:23:25,905 MAN: There's no way Patterson's gonna win. 637 00:23:25,947 --> 00:23:28,074 (indistinct chatter) 638 00:23:28,116 --> 00:23:29,534 Not too much, now. 639 00:23:29,575 --> 00:23:32,411 I want it to look clean and cool, like Miles. 640 00:23:32,453 --> 00:23:34,914 Your hair looks the same whether he makes it clean and cool 641 00:23:34,956 --> 00:23:36,958 or he closes his eyes and hacks away. 642 00:23:36,999 --> 00:23:39,043 -Like Miles... -(laughter) 643 00:23:39,085 --> 00:23:40,670 HENRY: Shut up, Billy. 644 00:23:40,711 --> 00:23:42,255 You're a jealous old man. 645 00:23:42,296 --> 00:23:43,756 Yeah. I'm the jealous old man 646 00:23:43,798 --> 00:23:45,091 who's paying for these haircuts. 647 00:23:45,133 --> 00:23:47,009 Yeah, well... Touché. 648 00:23:47,051 --> 00:23:49,303 If I tell him to stop right now, you'll have half a head done. 649 00:23:49,345 --> 00:23:50,471 Good. That's good. 650 00:23:50,513 --> 00:23:51,514 I look good. 651 00:23:51,556 --> 00:23:52,598 Don't I look good?! 652 00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:54,642 (all exclaiming) 653 00:23:56,269 --> 00:23:58,396 Hey, Susie, what's happening? 654 00:23:58,437 --> 00:24:00,022 -Patterson's going down. -That was not the question. 655 00:24:00,064 --> 00:24:01,524 But it's gonna be the outcome. 656 00:24:01,566 --> 00:24:03,442 Stop moving so the man can finish. 657 00:24:03,484 --> 00:24:04,861 What kind of rush are you in? 658 00:24:04,902 --> 00:24:06,487 There's nothing up there for him to cut. 659 00:24:06,529 --> 00:24:07,989 There is grooming to be done. 660 00:24:08,030 --> 00:24:09,282 I'm not an animal like you. 661 00:24:09,323 --> 00:24:10,366 Susie! 662 00:24:10,408 --> 00:24:12,451 Ingo's a Viking. Vikings win. 663 00:24:12,493 --> 00:24:14,996 That's why you see so many Vikings walking around nowadays. 664 00:24:15,037 --> 00:24:17,039 I got five bucks says the Viking goes down. 665 00:24:17,081 --> 00:24:19,292 -You're on. -I got ten that says he doesn't. 666 00:24:19,333 --> 00:24:21,752 Ingo will kill Patterson again. 667 00:24:21,794 --> 00:24:23,546 Eat him and shit out his leg whole. 668 00:24:23,588 --> 00:24:25,256 Wow. You do talk pretty. 669 00:24:25,298 --> 00:24:27,300 -I'll take that bet. -You already bet me ten. 670 00:24:27,341 --> 00:24:29,802 -I can bet more than one person. -With whose paycheck? 671 00:24:29,844 --> 00:24:32,096 Hey, ladies, can we get a little quiet in the beauty parlor? 672 00:24:32,138 --> 00:24:34,015 There's a goddamn fight on. 673 00:24:34,056 --> 00:24:36,142 -Smoke this. -Why? Did we fuck? 674 00:24:36,184 --> 00:24:38,728 You know, you are a very tense person. 675 00:24:38,769 --> 00:24:41,105 I just thought when you said we were gonna listen to the fight, 676 00:24:41,147 --> 00:24:42,857 that we were gonna, you know, listen to the fight. 677 00:24:42,899 --> 00:24:44,859 And catch up before the tour. 678 00:24:44,901 --> 00:24:48,029 So, Susie Myerson and Associates... 679 00:24:48,070 --> 00:24:49,697 Is your client ready? 680 00:24:49,739 --> 00:24:51,157 We're having a conversation now? 681 00:24:51,199 --> 00:24:52,867 -Is she ready? -Yeah. 682 00:24:52,909 --> 00:24:54,702 She'll be shopping right up until curtain, but, yeah. 683 00:24:54,744 --> 00:24:56,454 She's ready. 684 00:24:56,495 --> 00:24:59,624 So, what happened with you and Sophie Lennon? 685 00:24:59,665 --> 00:25:01,209 Nothing. I made a bad call. 686 00:25:01,250 --> 00:25:02,752 -It won't happen again. -Sure, it will. 687 00:25:02,793 --> 00:25:03,920 I've been there. 688 00:25:03,961 --> 00:25:05,504 -Remember Nate Green? -Who? 689 00:25:05,546 --> 00:25:07,465 I thought he was gonna set the world on fire. 690 00:25:07,506 --> 00:25:09,217 Instead, he set a liquor store on fire. 691 00:25:09,258 --> 00:25:11,135 I still take him smokes in Attica once a month. 692 00:25:11,177 --> 00:25:12,762 -Shit. -Yeah, you live, you learn. 693 00:25:12,803 --> 00:25:14,555 But you and Midge, you're getting along? 694 00:25:14,597 --> 00:25:16,474 Yeah. Considering she's gonna make me rich, 695 00:25:16,515 --> 00:25:17,808 we're getting along fine. 696 00:25:17,850 --> 00:25:19,018 She's gonna make you rich? 697 00:25:19,060 --> 00:25:20,478 Have you read your new contract? 698 00:25:20,519 --> 00:25:22,104 It's just the beginning, pal. You'll see. 699 00:25:22,146 --> 00:25:24,523 There is no one like her in the world. 700 00:25:24,565 --> 00:25:27,652 She's like my dirty, sparkly, good fucking fairy. 701 00:25:27,693 --> 00:25:29,487 -Uh-oh. -What? 702 00:25:29,528 --> 00:25:30,905 You really believe in this girl. 703 00:25:30,947 --> 00:25:32,073 Aren't I supposed to? 704 00:25:32,114 --> 00:25:33,491 -Smells like trouble. -Why? 705 00:25:33,532 --> 00:25:35,159 Just means you can't be objective. 706 00:25:35,201 --> 00:25:37,161 Oh, believe me, I can be objective. 707 00:25:37,203 --> 00:25:38,663 -Mm. -I know when she sucks. 708 00:25:38,704 --> 00:25:40,039 I know when she's an asshole, 709 00:25:40,081 --> 00:25:41,707 or dressed like a mental patient. 710 00:25:41,749 --> 00:25:43,918 She's incredibly high maintenance. 711 00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:45,878 I had to learn how to sew on sequins in the dark. 712 00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:47,421 (Reggie chuckles) 713 00:25:47,463 --> 00:25:48,839 She's always late. 714 00:25:48,881 --> 00:25:50,383 You got to feed her every two hours 715 00:25:50,424 --> 00:25:51,717 like a fucking parking meter. 716 00:25:51,759 --> 00:25:54,011 Shit. I can't get Shy to eat anything. 717 00:25:54,053 --> 00:25:56,264 That boy exists on coffee, gin and compliments. 718 00:25:56,305 --> 00:25:57,932 I don't know how he has the energy. 719 00:25:57,974 --> 00:25:59,684 -(chuckles) -He's always been like that. 720 00:25:59,725 --> 00:26:02,061 Flashy, jumpy. 721 00:26:02,103 --> 00:26:03,729 But he can sing. 722 00:26:03,771 --> 00:26:05,273 Like no one else in the world. 723 00:26:05,314 --> 00:26:07,066 That's objectively speaking, right? 724 00:26:07,108 --> 00:26:10,278 Yeah. 725 00:26:10,319 --> 00:26:15,116 It's a strange job, managing another person's career. 726 00:26:15,157 --> 00:26:16,826 You think you're so important, 727 00:26:16,867 --> 00:26:18,744 and then suddenly, you're running around Utah 728 00:26:18,786 --> 00:26:21,289 looking for the kind of toothpaste Shy likes. 729 00:26:21,330 --> 00:26:23,374 Who the fuck listens to Shy in Utah? 730 00:26:23,416 --> 00:26:24,417 (laughs) 731 00:26:24,458 --> 00:26:25,543 Now, don't get me wrong. 732 00:26:25,584 --> 00:26:27,253 I'm not complaining. 733 00:26:27,295 --> 00:26:29,422 There's good times and bad times. 734 00:26:29,463 --> 00:26:31,590 When Shy's first record went gold... (grunts) 735 00:26:31,632 --> 00:26:33,467 that was a good time. 736 00:26:33,509 --> 00:26:35,553 It's nice when they shine. 737 00:26:35,594 --> 00:26:39,181 You get to share in that, shine a little yourself. 738 00:26:39,223 --> 00:26:40,933 But then when they do bad things, 739 00:26:40,975 --> 00:26:42,518 and then you do bad things... 740 00:26:42,560 --> 00:26:44,270 -What bad things? -Things you don't want to do. 741 00:26:44,312 --> 00:26:46,063 But you have to. 742 00:26:46,105 --> 00:26:47,523 You hate it. You do it. 743 00:26:47,565 --> 00:26:48,774 And then you get paid. 744 00:26:48,816 --> 00:26:49,942 (men cheering) 745 00:26:49,984 --> 00:26:52,778 Oh, shit! I do not believe this! 746 00:26:52,820 --> 00:26:55,281 -What? Don't believe what? -HENRY: Patterson knocked out the Viking. 747 00:26:55,323 --> 00:26:56,782 What? He what? 748 00:26:56,824 --> 00:26:58,200 BILLY: Fifth round. Left hook. 749 00:26:58,242 --> 00:27:00,786 -Boom! -Sent him to Valhalla. 750 00:27:00,828 --> 00:27:02,455 SLIM: The man still hasn't gotten up. 751 00:27:02,496 --> 00:27:04,123 BILLY: Why are you so happy? You just lost. 752 00:27:04,165 --> 00:27:06,334 SLIM: You gotta admire a job well done. 753 00:27:06,375 --> 00:27:09,754 Okay, Henry, now you won, and I owe you this debt, 754 00:27:09,795 --> 00:27:12,590 but I am still in charge of the rest of your life, 755 00:27:12,631 --> 00:27:14,425 so this next moment will officially define 756 00:27:14,467 --> 00:27:16,010 our relationship. 757 00:27:16,052 --> 00:27:17,386 You don't have to pay me. 758 00:27:17,428 --> 00:27:19,013 -It's fine. -Excellent definition. 759 00:27:19,055 --> 00:27:22,141 Nothing beats fear when it comes to gambling. 760 00:27:22,183 --> 00:27:24,143 (laughter) 761 00:27:24,185 --> 00:27:26,354 You okay? 762 00:27:26,395 --> 00:27:27,730 You look like you're on a plane. 763 00:27:27,772 --> 00:27:29,565 Yeah. I'm just... 764 00:27:29,607 --> 00:27:31,609 I mean, he had him in round two. He had him. 765 00:27:31,650 --> 00:27:34,403 Ah... Susie lost some money! 766 00:27:34,445 --> 00:27:35,696 (men exclaiming) 767 00:27:35,738 --> 00:27:36,947 (laughter) 768 00:27:36,989 --> 00:27:38,282 How much you lose? 769 00:27:38,324 --> 00:27:40,201 Come on, I lost, too. 770 00:27:40,242 --> 00:27:42,036 I mean, I didn't have to pay, but I still lost. 771 00:27:42,078 --> 00:27:43,496 How much did you lose? 772 00:27:43,537 --> 00:27:45,373 Hey! How much did Susie lose? 773 00:27:45,414 --> 00:27:46,624 SLIM: Don't look at me. 774 00:27:46,665 --> 00:27:48,125 Come on, who'd you bet with? 775 00:27:48,167 --> 00:27:50,378 I'll take care of it. 776 00:27:50,419 --> 00:27:51,837 Who'd you bet with? 777 00:27:51,879 --> 00:27:53,130 It's not a big deal. 778 00:27:53,172 --> 00:27:54,382 How much did you lose? 779 00:27:54,423 --> 00:27:56,175 I'm good. 780 00:27:56,217 --> 00:27:57,802 Susie, how much did you lose? 781 00:27:57,843 --> 00:27:59,345 I'm fine. 782 00:27:59,387 --> 00:28:01,931 I have a meeting. I have to go. 783 00:28:01,972 --> 00:28:03,891 MAN: Hey, we won big. 784 00:28:03,933 --> 00:28:05,184 Let me borrow some so I can pay him. 785 00:28:05,226 --> 00:28:06,811 (door closes) 786 00:28:10,773 --> 00:28:12,858 Somebody used the fondue pot 787 00:28:12,900 --> 00:28:15,569 for something other than fondue. 788 00:28:15,611 --> 00:28:19,615 Now, I'm not saying it was you, but it was fucking you. 789 00:28:21,075 --> 00:28:23,285 Hey, you okay? 790 00:28:23,327 --> 00:28:25,329 (crying) 791 00:28:33,087 --> 00:28:35,089 (sobbing) 792 00:28:43,556 --> 00:28:46,934 (classical music playing) 793 00:28:46,976 --> 00:28:48,352 Rose. 794 00:28:48,394 --> 00:28:49,645 Oh, my God. 795 00:28:49,687 --> 00:28:51,689 I'm so glad you're here. Oh, I'm dying. 796 00:28:51,730 --> 00:28:52,940 Dying. 797 00:28:52,982 --> 00:28:54,567 -Do you need this? -Why, no. 798 00:28:54,608 --> 00:28:56,402 Good. 799 00:28:56,444 --> 00:28:58,362 You'll never believe it. 800 00:28:58,404 --> 00:29:00,656 I can't believe it. No one around me can believe it. 801 00:29:00,698 --> 00:29:01,782 Slow down, Corinne. You'll bite your tongue. 802 00:29:01,824 --> 00:29:03,909 -It worked. -What worked? 803 00:29:03,951 --> 00:29:06,662 -Shira, my daughter, is engaged. -What? 804 00:29:06,704 --> 00:29:08,038 To the veterinarian. 805 00:29:08,080 --> 00:29:09,832 One date. That's all it took. 806 00:29:09,874 --> 00:29:12,334 When she told me, I was so stunned 807 00:29:12,376 --> 00:29:14,420 that I agreed to pay for a wedding in Hawaii. 808 00:29:14,462 --> 00:29:16,005 Hawaii. 809 00:29:16,046 --> 00:29:17,715 -Who the hell do we know in Hawaii? -(gasps) 810 00:29:17,756 --> 00:29:20,050 No one. Who cares? 811 00:29:20,092 --> 00:29:22,887 She wants grass skirts and ukuleles and I'm not arguing. 812 00:29:22,928 --> 00:29:24,638 She's getting married. 813 00:29:24,680 --> 00:29:26,932 Wait. Sit there. 814 00:29:30,102 --> 00:29:32,730 For you. 815 00:29:32,771 --> 00:29:34,398 A token of my gratitude. 816 00:29:39,236 --> 00:29:41,113 Your Steuben glassware... 817 00:29:41,155 --> 00:29:43,324 I noticed you always admired them when you came over. 818 00:29:43,365 --> 00:29:45,576 -I can't. -I insist. 819 00:29:45,618 --> 00:29:47,453 They must be worth a fortune. 820 00:29:47,495 --> 00:29:49,997 Do you know what I would've paid to see my daughter married off? 821 00:29:50,039 --> 00:29:51,207 Anything. 822 00:29:51,248 --> 00:29:52,458 Here, take my wedding ring. 823 00:29:52,500 --> 00:29:54,335 No. The glasses are plenty. 824 00:29:54,376 --> 00:29:55,628 I have been crowing all over the neighborhood. 825 00:29:55,669 --> 00:29:57,129 Bragging. 826 00:29:57,171 --> 00:29:58,756 I told Judy Kramer that it was all your idea 827 00:29:58,797 --> 00:30:00,132 and she asked for your number. 828 00:30:00,174 --> 00:30:01,759 -Why? -Her daughter. 829 00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:03,969 You know, the tall one with the face? 830 00:30:04,011 --> 00:30:06,013 Oh, yes. Poor thing. 831 00:30:06,055 --> 00:30:08,724 To look like that and be tall enough for everyone to see. 832 00:30:08,766 --> 00:30:11,977 Well, she was working in Toronto for a few months. 833 00:30:12,019 --> 00:30:14,063 She just came back-- gorgeous. 834 00:30:14,104 --> 00:30:16,440 -What? -Stunning. No idea. 835 00:30:16,482 --> 00:30:19,360 Only now, she has an ugly girl's personality 836 00:30:19,401 --> 00:30:21,737 in a pretty girl's body, and everybody is confused. 837 00:30:21,779 --> 00:30:23,572 -Well, that can be tricky. -Like Hedy Lamarr, 838 00:30:23,614 --> 00:30:26,325 -but she falls a lot. -Well, she's not used to heels. 839 00:30:26,367 --> 00:30:28,953 Judy doesn't know what to do with her, and she thought, 840 00:30:28,994 --> 00:30:30,663 with your matchmaking skills, you could help. 841 00:30:30,704 --> 00:30:33,082 I told her, of course you could help. Word of Shira 842 00:30:33,123 --> 00:30:35,376 has swept the garden club like wildfire. 843 00:30:35,417 --> 00:30:36,710 My goodness. 844 00:30:36,752 --> 00:30:38,712 You are going to be a busy lady. 845 00:30:38,754 --> 00:30:40,130 Okay. 846 00:30:40,172 --> 00:30:41,840 I saw you. 847 00:30:41,882 --> 00:30:44,051 You have the glasses. I have to go. 848 00:30:44,093 --> 00:30:46,053 -What's poi? -I don't know. 849 00:30:46,095 --> 00:30:47,805 I'll figure it out. You're a genius. 850 00:30:47,846 --> 00:30:49,265 Thank you for the glasses. 851 00:30:49,306 --> 00:30:51,559 I may actually have a grandchild. 852 00:30:51,600 --> 00:30:54,645 That's worth more than all the glasses in the world. 853 00:30:54,687 --> 00:30:56,605 You sure you don't want the ring? 854 00:30:56,647 --> 00:30:58,190 -I'm sure. -Okay. 855 00:30:58,232 --> 00:30:59,858 See you later, Rose. 856 00:30:59,900 --> 00:31:01,902 See you later. 857 00:31:07,575 --> 00:31:09,451 WOMAN (over P.A.): Dr. Thomas to Intensive Care. 858 00:31:09,493 --> 00:31:11,245 Morning, Donna. I know I'm behind, 859 00:31:11,287 --> 00:31:13,330 but there's a very good explana-- Oh, boy. 860 00:31:13,372 --> 00:31:16,584 Rose. Again. What a nice surprise. Again. 861 00:31:16,625 --> 00:31:18,711 Benjamin, have I got a girl for you. 862 00:31:18,752 --> 00:31:20,254 -A... -Judy Kramer's daughter. 863 00:31:20,296 --> 00:31:22,423 -Judy who? -Judy Kramer. 864 00:31:22,464 --> 00:31:24,842 -Your mother knows her. Anyhow. -Oh, good. 865 00:31:24,883 --> 00:31:27,845 Her daughter-- very bright, like you; very tall, like you. 866 00:31:27,886 --> 00:31:30,389 She used to look terrible, but now she's beautiful, 867 00:31:30,431 --> 00:31:32,808 though still very clumsy, which I think will work nicely 868 00:31:32,850 --> 00:31:35,394 because it's a little weird. Get it? Weird? 869 00:31:35,436 --> 00:31:37,438 Rose, it is very sweet of you to think about this, 870 00:31:37,479 --> 00:31:40,024 -but really, I'm doing just... -Miriam doesn't have to be 871 00:31:40,065 --> 00:31:41,442 the last girl for you. I was right once. 872 00:31:41,483 --> 00:31:43,694 -I can be right again. -Rose, I promise you, I'm fine. 873 00:31:43,736 --> 00:31:45,154 -You know, you won't be this handsome forever. -Well, 874 00:31:45,195 --> 00:31:47,197 I have a painting in my attic that would prove otherwise. 875 00:31:47,239 --> 00:31:49,867 See? Clever. Judy's daughter's clever, too. 876 00:31:49,908 --> 00:31:51,577 I know I'm right about this. 877 00:31:51,619 --> 00:31:55,873 Rose, I really have to get back to... bleeding people. 878 00:31:55,914 --> 00:31:58,042 Oh, okay. We don't have to decide this right now, but... 879 00:31:58,083 --> 00:32:00,252 Excuse me. 880 00:32:00,294 --> 00:32:04,256 Here. You'll know where to find me when you're ready. 881 00:32:06,300 --> 00:32:08,302 Don't wait too long to be happy. 882 00:32:12,181 --> 00:32:15,434 -♪ ♪ -(horn honks) 883 00:32:15,476 --> 00:32:17,519 Taxi! 884 00:32:19,563 --> 00:32:21,523 MAN: Hey, asshole. 885 00:32:21,565 --> 00:32:23,400 WOMAN: Oh... 886 00:32:25,110 --> 00:32:27,279 Excuse me, sir. 887 00:32:27,321 --> 00:32:29,782 Did you throw a tomato at me? 888 00:32:29,823 --> 00:32:32,159 If you did, I assume it was an accident, 889 00:32:32,201 --> 00:32:34,328 and I'm willing to accept an apology. 890 00:32:34,370 --> 00:32:37,998 MAN: I... apologize. 891 00:32:46,090 --> 00:32:48,175 -ABE: Rose. -Oh, my! Abe. 892 00:32:48,217 --> 00:32:50,803 You scared the living daylights out of me. 893 00:32:50,844 --> 00:32:52,429 What on earth? 894 00:32:52,471 --> 00:32:53,931 What happened to you? 895 00:32:53,972 --> 00:32:55,683 The most wonderful thing. 896 00:32:55,724 --> 00:32:57,476 Wonderful? Your nose is bleeding. 897 00:32:57,518 --> 00:32:59,144 A man threw a tomato at me. 898 00:32:59,186 --> 00:33:00,771 -He what? -Three tomatoes, actually. 899 00:33:00,813 --> 00:33:02,648 He threw three tomatoes at me point blank. 900 00:33:02,690 --> 00:33:04,733 -Abe... -I gave him a chance to apologize. 901 00:33:04,775 --> 00:33:07,152 -He didn't take it, so I pushed him. -You what? 902 00:33:07,194 --> 00:33:10,531 I physically put my two hands on his chest and pushed him. 903 00:33:10,572 --> 00:33:12,574 And then, he pushed me back, so I pushed him back. 904 00:33:12,616 --> 00:33:14,451 And then he pushed me back, and before I knew it, 905 00:33:14,493 --> 00:33:16,161 we were fighting! Well, sort of. 906 00:33:16,203 --> 00:33:19,373 It was more of a freeform grapple than actual fisticuffs, 907 00:33:19,415 --> 00:33:21,959 but we scuffled like dandies, and fell in the street. 908 00:33:22,000 --> 00:33:23,794 We almost got hit by a garbage truck, 909 00:33:23,836 --> 00:33:25,170 but it was going very slowly, 910 00:33:25,212 --> 00:33:27,381 so we managed to roll out of the way. 911 00:33:27,423 --> 00:33:29,800 Abe, this is terrible. You were assaulted by a stranger. 912 00:33:29,842 --> 00:33:32,302 No, Rose, not a stranger. 913 00:33:32,344 --> 00:33:33,971 David Merrick. 914 00:33:34,012 --> 00:33:36,014 David Merrick? Who is that, a gangster? 915 00:33:36,056 --> 00:33:37,683 Kind of. He's a Broadway producer. 916 00:33:37,725 --> 00:33:40,060 And, Rose... he read it. 917 00:33:40,102 --> 00:33:43,731 David Merrick read my piece, and he despised it. 918 00:33:43,772 --> 00:33:45,315 His assistants, too. 919 00:33:45,357 --> 00:33:47,359 They pushed me around a little, as well. 920 00:33:47,401 --> 00:33:48,944 They hate me. 921 00:33:48,986 --> 00:33:50,988 They all absolutely hate me. 922 00:33:51,029 --> 00:33:53,157 Well, terrific. 923 00:33:53,198 --> 00:33:54,575 Don't you understand? 924 00:33:54,616 --> 00:33:56,368 My piece-- it got to them. 925 00:33:56,410 --> 00:33:58,912 My words incited theater people, 926 00:33:58,954 --> 00:34:00,998 people who make a living sitting down. 927 00:34:01,039 --> 00:34:02,833 It incited them to get up 928 00:34:02,875 --> 00:34:04,835 and commit an act of physical violence! 929 00:34:04,877 --> 00:34:07,421 Abe, I think this must have been a very underripe tomato, 930 00:34:07,463 --> 00:34:09,631 and it hit you in the head. You are possibly concussed. 931 00:34:09,673 --> 00:34:13,010 No. Rose, it was a perfectly ripe, beautiful tomato. 932 00:34:13,051 --> 00:34:14,803 It would have made a wonderful salad. 933 00:34:14,845 --> 00:34:16,972 And instead, it was meant for me. 934 00:34:17,014 --> 00:34:18,849 Can I please take you to the doctor? 935 00:34:18,891 --> 00:34:20,517 Moishe was wrong. 936 00:34:20,559 --> 00:34:22,436 His father should have opened that goat farm. 937 00:34:22,478 --> 00:34:26,231 And the written word-- it's going to change the world. 938 00:34:30,861 --> 00:34:32,988 Here we go, Rosie. 939 00:34:33,030 --> 00:34:35,032 Moishe! Buy a goat! 940 00:34:35,073 --> 00:34:36,700 The world is changing! 941 00:34:36,742 --> 00:34:38,160 MOISHE: Don't come in here! 942 00:34:38,202 --> 00:34:39,995 -I'm not wearing pants. -ABE: Pants be damned. 943 00:34:40,037 --> 00:34:41,538 (laughing) 944 00:34:41,580 --> 00:34:43,999 Well, this is lovely, isn't it? 945 00:34:44,041 --> 00:34:45,918 Perfect weather, like out of a movie. 946 00:34:45,959 --> 00:34:48,796 And in this movie, what does the spunky brunette want to talk 947 00:34:48,837 --> 00:34:50,214 to the little blonde dish about? 948 00:34:50,255 --> 00:34:51,965 What do you mean? 949 00:34:52,007 --> 00:34:54,051 The brunette just wanted to spend time with the dish, and... 950 00:34:54,092 --> 00:34:55,719 -Archie wants to come home. -Oh, I knew it. 951 00:34:55,761 --> 00:34:57,596 Imogene, he's dying. Give him a break. 952 00:34:57,638 --> 00:34:59,264 You know, when we first started dating, 953 00:34:59,306 --> 00:35:01,141 Archie would sit outside my house for hours. 954 00:35:01,183 --> 00:35:03,477 The police never arrested him because, you know, he's Archie. 955 00:35:03,519 --> 00:35:05,687 -He looks like a choirboy. He was a choirboy. -Oh. 956 00:35:05,729 --> 00:35:07,231 He's got a lovely baritone, by the way. 957 00:35:07,272 --> 00:35:08,732 But they would shoo him off. 958 00:35:08,774 --> 00:35:10,275 And the next day, he'd be right back there, 959 00:35:10,317 --> 00:35:12,027 sitting in the tree next to my bedroom window. 960 00:35:12,069 --> 00:35:13,821 Romantic. With just a hint of creepy. 961 00:35:13,862 --> 00:35:15,614 I thought he'd be in my tree forever. 962 00:35:15,656 --> 00:35:17,324 He will be. 963 00:35:17,366 --> 00:35:19,159 Imogene, really, do you honestly think that Archie would... 964 00:35:19,201 --> 00:35:21,620 Stay out every night doing God knows what with God knows who? 965 00:35:21,662 --> 00:35:23,914 He was painting walls and sanding floorboards with Joel. 966 00:35:23,956 --> 00:35:25,791 Oh, is that what they're calling it these days? 967 00:35:25,833 --> 00:35:27,167 -Imogene... -Painting walls. 968 00:35:27,209 --> 00:35:28,710 -Seriously... -Sanding floorboards. 969 00:35:28,752 --> 00:35:30,546 -Okay. -He wasn't fixing up Joel's club. 970 00:35:30,587 --> 00:35:32,798 He was imagining what it would be like to not have a family, 971 00:35:32,840 --> 00:35:34,925 to not have three children, to not be married to me. 972 00:35:34,967 --> 00:35:37,010 That's what he was doing every night, with Joel. 973 00:35:37,052 --> 00:35:40,305 Okay, maybe for a moment, but, Imogene, he is miserable. 974 00:35:40,347 --> 00:35:42,307 He wants nothing more than to come home. 975 00:35:42,349 --> 00:35:43,976 I would not be standing here saying this 976 00:35:44,017 --> 00:35:46,019 if I did not believe it with my whole heart. 977 00:35:46,061 --> 00:35:47,729 -Really? -Yes. 978 00:35:47,771 --> 00:35:49,523 You, who had her husband walk out on her, 979 00:35:49,565 --> 00:35:51,441 who saw her whole life blow up in her face, 980 00:35:51,483 --> 00:35:53,318 you honestly believe that if I let him come back, 981 00:35:53,360 --> 00:35:55,112 all will be well, and nothing like what happened 982 00:35:55,153 --> 00:35:56,613 to you will ever happen to me? 983 00:35:56,655 --> 00:35:58,740 Yes, Imogene, I absolutely do. 984 00:36:00,742 --> 00:36:03,245 Okay. 985 00:36:03,287 --> 00:36:05,789 ("Feeling Good" by Nina Simone playing) 986 00:36:15,591 --> 00:36:17,801 ♪ Fish in the sea ♪ 987 00:36:17,843 --> 00:36:21,638 ♪ You know how I feel ♪ 988 00:36:21,680 --> 00:36:24,308 ♪ River running free ♪ 989 00:36:24,349 --> 00:36:28,103 ♪ You know how I feel ♪ 990 00:36:28,145 --> 00:36:30,397 ♪ Blossom on the tree ♪ 991 00:36:30,439 --> 00:36:32,566 ♪ You know how I feel ♪ 992 00:36:32,608 --> 00:36:34,568 ♪ It's a new dawn ♪ 993 00:36:34,610 --> 00:36:36,570 ♪ It's a new day ♪ 994 00:36:36,612 --> 00:36:38,947 ♪ It's a new life ♪ 995 00:36:38,989 --> 00:36:41,658 ♪ For me ♪ 996 00:36:41,700 --> 00:36:45,913 ♪ And I'm feeling good... ♪ 997 00:36:45,954 --> 00:36:48,248 My name is Imogene Cleary. 998 00:36:53,712 --> 00:36:55,297 We're not open yet. 999 00:36:55,339 --> 00:36:57,299 Hi. 1000 00:36:57,341 --> 00:36:59,176 Hello. 1001 00:36:59,217 --> 00:37:00,969 -Nice club. -Thanks. 1002 00:37:01,011 --> 00:37:03,055 Doesn't smell like anyone's pissed in it yet. 1003 00:37:03,096 --> 00:37:05,432 -Oh, they have. -Okay. 1004 00:37:05,474 --> 00:37:07,851 -Can I come in? -Uh... 1005 00:37:07,893 --> 00:37:09,853 It's important. 1006 00:37:09,895 --> 00:37:12,356 Okay. Sure, come on in. 1007 00:37:15,192 --> 00:37:16,568 (Joel sniffles) 1008 00:37:16,610 --> 00:37:18,570 You okay? Your eyes are... 1009 00:37:18,612 --> 00:37:21,740 Oh, yeah. I have, uh, bird allergies. 1010 00:37:23,367 --> 00:37:25,327 Could I maybe have a drink? 1011 00:37:25,369 --> 00:37:27,204 Okay. You want a beer? 1012 00:37:27,245 --> 00:37:29,247 Beer. Sure. 1013 00:37:33,794 --> 00:37:35,796 Actually, could I have something stronger? 1014 00:37:45,597 --> 00:37:47,224 Thanks. 1015 00:37:48,475 --> 00:37:50,268 Could I have another one? 1016 00:37:50,310 --> 00:37:52,312 You want to start a tab? 1017 00:37:55,107 --> 00:37:57,776 So, you got my attention. 1018 00:37:57,818 --> 00:38:00,362 Yeah. Okay. 1019 00:38:03,782 --> 00:38:05,826 So, I know you are not a friend. 1020 00:38:05,867 --> 00:38:07,661 We barely know each other. 1021 00:38:07,703 --> 00:38:10,664 We've talked what, three times ever? Once civil. 1022 00:38:10,706 --> 00:38:12,749 -Eh... -Okay, never civil, but... 1023 00:38:12,791 --> 00:38:15,419 I need you to do something for me. 1024 00:38:17,671 --> 00:38:20,007 I need you to take care of Midge's money. 1025 00:38:20,048 --> 00:38:22,467 I need you to get the checks, put them in a bank. 1026 00:38:22,509 --> 00:38:23,885 -Whoa. -Keep track of what's there, 1027 00:38:23,927 --> 00:38:25,721 what she's owed, what she spends. 1028 00:38:25,762 --> 00:38:27,973 -What are you talking about? -I can steer her career. 1029 00:38:28,015 --> 00:38:30,642 I've got that down, and I am gonna make her a very big star. 1030 00:38:30,684 --> 00:38:33,020 But the money... 1031 00:38:33,061 --> 00:38:35,397 I need you to protect it from now on. 1032 00:38:35,439 --> 00:38:36,940 -From what? -From me. 1033 00:38:36,982 --> 00:38:38,817 -Susie... -I will 1034 00:38:38,859 --> 00:38:40,694 send the checks to you directly as soon as I get 'em. 1035 00:38:40,736 --> 00:38:42,195 -Susie... -Maybe I should just have 1036 00:38:42,237 --> 00:38:43,989 Shy's people get it to you directly. 1037 00:38:44,031 --> 00:38:45,949 Cut out the middleman-- me. 1038 00:38:45,991 --> 00:38:48,368 Cut out me. Yeah, that's probably the best idea. 1039 00:38:48,410 --> 00:38:50,412 -Susie... -I'll transfer all the money that she's made so far. 1040 00:38:50,454 --> 00:38:53,707 Every penny. I just need a little time to get it all... 1041 00:38:53,749 --> 00:38:55,709 organized, but I will get it to you, 1042 00:38:55,751 --> 00:38:58,003 and then, once a week, I will send you a check. 1043 00:38:58,045 --> 00:38:59,880 Or they will send you a check. Once a week, 1044 00:38:59,921 --> 00:39:01,256 -someone will send you a check. -Hold on. 1045 00:39:01,298 --> 00:39:03,508 So... thanks for the drinks. 1046 00:39:03,550 --> 00:39:05,635 Mm. 1047 00:39:05,677 --> 00:39:07,971 -We'll talk more later. -Susie, stop. 1048 00:39:09,347 --> 00:39:11,308 You can't just come in here like that. 1049 00:39:11,349 --> 00:39:13,310 I mean, why? Why me? 1050 00:39:13,351 --> 00:39:15,103 There's business managers and accountants 1051 00:39:15,145 --> 00:39:17,397 and a lot of other people who are trained to do this. 1052 00:39:17,439 --> 00:39:19,316 I mean, hell, Shy must have a team of people 1053 00:39:19,357 --> 00:39:20,859 -you could ask to... -'Cause you love her! 1054 00:39:20,901 --> 00:39:23,737 You'll always be in love with her. 1055 00:39:23,779 --> 00:39:26,490 You won't let anything bad happen to her, ever. 1056 00:39:26,531 --> 00:39:28,283 It has to be you. 1057 00:39:29,826 --> 00:39:31,536 Just let me tell her, okay? 1058 00:39:31,578 --> 00:39:33,330 What, that I'll love her forever? 1059 00:39:33,371 --> 00:39:35,499 No, about the money. She knows the other shit. Everybody does. 1060 00:39:40,754 --> 00:39:44,591 I'm only gonna say this once, so pay attention... thank you. 1061 00:39:46,927 --> 00:39:48,970 (door opens) 1062 00:39:50,972 --> 00:39:52,808 (door closes) 1063 00:39:52,849 --> 00:39:54,392 (loud laughter) 1064 00:39:54,434 --> 00:39:56,186 The first moment I saw Midge Maisel, 1065 00:39:56,228 --> 00:39:58,105 I thought, "That is one red-hot cocktail waitress." 1066 00:39:58,146 --> 00:39:59,689 French-restaurant-level cocktail waitress. 1067 00:39:59,731 --> 00:40:01,316 When I found out she was a comic, 1068 00:40:01,358 --> 00:40:03,068 you could have knocked me over with a feather. 1069 00:40:03,110 --> 00:40:04,653 I would've preferred a mallet. 1070 00:40:04,694 --> 00:40:06,530 Yeah, and now she's scored a tour with Shy Baldwin. 1071 00:40:06,571 --> 00:40:08,406 Knife in my heart right here. 1072 00:40:08,448 --> 00:40:10,367 While I still think she'd make a red-hot cocktail waitress... 1073 00:40:10,408 --> 00:40:12,119 I'd definitely exceed my two-drink minimum. 1074 00:40:12,160 --> 00:40:13,787 She has since proven a good sport, 1075 00:40:13,829 --> 00:40:15,247 a tough competitor, 1076 00:40:15,288 --> 00:40:16,790 the best-smelling person in a club. 1077 00:40:16,832 --> 00:40:18,375 -Not that that's hard. -(laughter) 1078 00:40:18,416 --> 00:40:21,086 I can honestly say, from the bottom of my heart, 1079 00:40:21,128 --> 00:40:22,462 fuck you, Mrs. Maisel. 1080 00:40:22,504 --> 00:40:23,880 -Oh. Fuck you... -Oh. 1081 00:40:23,922 --> 00:40:25,799 ALL: Fuck you, Mrs. Maisel. 1082 00:40:25,841 --> 00:40:28,176 Thank you. I'm trying not to cry. 1083 00:40:28,218 --> 00:40:30,512 Go out there and show 'em how it's done. 1084 00:40:30,554 --> 00:40:33,598 Because, if you fail, no one will ever let you forget. 1085 00:40:33,640 --> 00:40:35,725 (laughter) 1086 00:40:35,767 --> 00:40:37,519 Yeah, that wasn't a joke. 1087 00:40:37,561 --> 00:40:39,604 Well, it's gonna sound like a cliché, but what the hell. 1088 00:40:39,646 --> 00:40:41,148 -How dare you. -Benjamin. 1089 00:40:41,189 --> 00:40:44,192 -Yes. Good guess. -Wha... What are you doing here? 1090 00:40:44,234 --> 00:40:46,444 When you want to find a penguin, you head to the North Pole. 1091 00:40:47,821 --> 00:40:49,531 You want to do this sitting here surrounded 1092 00:40:49,573 --> 00:40:51,700 by your flunkies like you're the poor man's Rat Pack, or...? 1093 00:40:51,741 --> 00:40:54,077 What? I... No. 1094 00:40:54,119 --> 00:40:55,996 No. I... 1095 00:40:56,037 --> 00:40:57,747 You don't see I have to move? 1096 00:40:57,789 --> 00:41:01,418 -Oh, oh, uh... -Are you gonna? 1097 00:41:01,459 --> 00:41:03,879 -Should I get up, or...? -I'm not blocking her. 1098 00:41:03,920 --> 00:41:05,338 There she goes. 1099 00:41:05,380 --> 00:41:06,464 Okay. 1100 00:41:06,506 --> 00:41:07,632 Sorry. 1101 00:41:07,674 --> 00:41:09,176 Hi. How are you? 1102 00:41:09,217 --> 00:41:11,011 -That's funny. -No, I mean... 1103 00:41:11,052 --> 00:41:12,721 Don't worry about the small talk. This won't take long. 1104 00:41:12,762 --> 00:41:14,556 -It wasn't small. -I let you off easy, didn't I? 1105 00:41:14,598 --> 00:41:16,183 -I... -You sent me a "Dear John" letter-- 1106 00:41:16,224 --> 00:41:18,101 unproofed, by the way-- and I didn't chase you down, 1107 00:41:18,143 --> 00:41:19,978 I didn't call you, I didn't show up at your door 1108 00:41:20,020 --> 00:41:21,438 demanding an explanation, did I? 1109 00:41:21,479 --> 00:41:22,939 -No. -That's right, no. 1110 00:41:22,981 --> 00:41:24,441 I let you slink off into the night, 1111 00:41:24,482 --> 00:41:26,359 like a goddamn Damon Runyon character. 1112 00:41:26,401 --> 00:41:27,819 I figure if that's the way you wanted it, 1113 00:41:27,861 --> 00:41:29,446 I wasn't gonna beg you for an explanation, 1114 00:41:29,487 --> 00:41:32,115 an explanation I was absolutely entitled to, by the way. 1115 00:41:32,157 --> 00:41:34,284 Yes. You were. I am so sorry. 1116 00:41:34,326 --> 00:41:36,244 BENJAMIN: I handled the whole thing with dignity, grace. 1117 00:41:36,286 --> 00:41:37,662 I handled it all very calmly. 1118 00:41:37,704 --> 00:41:39,414 I handle things very calmly. I don't get mad. 1119 00:41:39,456 --> 00:41:41,875 I can't get mad. When you're really tall, you can't get mad. 1120 00:41:41,917 --> 00:41:44,336 You can't pace around and wave your arms in the air 1121 00:41:44,377 --> 00:41:46,755 and raise your voice, because people get scared. See? 1122 00:41:46,796 --> 00:41:48,757 Look around. See? That's what people look like when 1123 00:41:48,798 --> 00:41:50,550 you're really tall and really mad. 1124 00:41:50,592 --> 00:41:52,469 I look like an angry building! 1125 00:41:52,510 --> 00:41:55,680 So I stay calm... all the goddamn time. 1126 00:41:55,722 --> 00:41:57,098 But this time... 1127 00:41:57,140 --> 00:41:58,683 (laughs): Oh. 1128 00:41:58,725 --> 00:42:00,352 This time, you have pushed me too far. 1129 00:42:00,393 --> 00:42:02,646 What did I do? I mean, besides... 1130 00:42:02,687 --> 00:42:05,315 I work in a hospital, Miriam. I perform surgery. 1131 00:42:05,357 --> 00:42:07,692 I hold really sharp tools that I cut people open with. 1132 00:42:07,734 --> 00:42:10,070 And if I cut them open incorrectly, they tend to die. 1133 00:42:10,111 --> 00:42:13,198 And that's where you chose to send your mother 1134 00:42:13,240 --> 00:42:15,659 -to fix me up with another girl?! -What? 1135 00:42:15,700 --> 00:42:17,494 -Are you insane? -Benjamin, I swear, 1136 00:42:17,535 --> 00:42:19,412 I had no idea she was gonna do that. 1137 00:42:19,454 --> 00:42:20,872 Bullshit, Miriam. You feel guilty. 1138 00:42:20,914 --> 00:42:22,332 So, you decided to get me settled 1139 00:42:22,374 --> 00:42:24,000 so you don't have to feel bad anymore. 1140 00:42:24,042 --> 00:42:25,460 Well, fuck that. 1141 00:42:25,502 --> 00:42:27,003 You don't get a say in what happens to me. 1142 00:42:27,045 --> 00:42:28,672 You feel like a louse? Too bad. Live with it. 1143 00:42:28,713 --> 00:42:31,383 Benjamin, please, can we just sit and talk? 1144 00:42:31,424 --> 00:42:32,926 Please? 1145 00:42:33,969 --> 00:42:35,971 (Benjamin clears throat) 1146 00:42:43,520 --> 00:42:45,063 (Midge clears throat) 1147 00:42:45,105 --> 00:42:46,731 Thank you. 1148 00:42:50,318 --> 00:42:52,279 Oh, you're going to have to start. 1149 00:42:52,320 --> 00:42:53,863 Right. 1150 00:42:53,905 --> 00:42:55,490 Sorry. 1151 00:42:55,532 --> 00:42:58,576 Benjamin, I owe you the biggest apology in the world. 1152 00:42:58,618 --> 00:43:01,621 I am totally and completely ashamed of myself. 1153 00:43:01,663 --> 00:43:03,623 I never pegged you for a coward. 1154 00:43:03,665 --> 00:43:05,750 That letter-- that was a coward's move. 1155 00:43:05,792 --> 00:43:08,253 I know it was. 1156 00:43:08,295 --> 00:43:09,838 I don't understand. 1157 00:43:09,879 --> 00:43:11,339 What happened? 1158 00:43:11,381 --> 00:43:13,466 I explained it all in the letter. 1159 00:43:13,508 --> 00:43:15,093 I stopped reading the letter after the words 1160 00:43:15,135 --> 00:43:16,553 "I can't marry you." 1161 00:43:16,594 --> 00:43:19,180 -Oh. -That kind of gave the end away. 1162 00:43:19,222 --> 00:43:22,225 You know, it's funny, I... can stand onstage 1163 00:43:22,267 --> 00:43:24,436 and say all sorts of uncomfortable, 1164 00:43:24,477 --> 00:43:26,563 embarrassing personal things. 1165 00:43:26,604 --> 00:43:29,316 But the thought of standing in front of you, 1166 00:43:29,357 --> 00:43:30,984 telling you... 1167 00:43:31,026 --> 00:43:33,820 I just... couldn't. 1168 00:43:33,862 --> 00:43:35,905 So I wrote a letter. 1169 00:43:35,947 --> 00:43:38,074 Like a coward. 1170 00:43:38,116 --> 00:43:40,076 But you have to understand, 1171 00:43:40,118 --> 00:43:42,996 when I accepted your proposal, I was fed up with stand-up. 1172 00:43:43,038 --> 00:43:44,748 I was thinking of quitting. 1173 00:43:44,789 --> 00:43:47,876 I thought maybe comedy was just a phase, and I could get married 1174 00:43:47,917 --> 00:43:51,254 and hop down to the Gaslight once or twice a week, do a set, 1175 00:43:51,296 --> 00:43:53,214 like a bowling league with better shoes. 1176 00:43:53,256 --> 00:43:55,258 I thought maybe that could be enough. 1177 00:43:56,801 --> 00:43:59,679 And then Shy Baldwin called. 1178 00:43:59,721 --> 00:44:02,599 And a lightning bolt went through me. 1179 00:44:02,640 --> 00:44:05,477 I just... knew. 1180 00:44:05,518 --> 00:44:08,730 This was it for the rest of my life. 1181 00:44:08,772 --> 00:44:11,691 No turning back. 1182 00:44:11,733 --> 00:44:15,570 -And I knew that would be a problem. -How? 1183 00:44:15,612 --> 00:44:17,530 -How what? -How did you know it was going to be a problem? 1184 00:44:17,572 --> 00:44:20,617 -Oh, Benjamin, come on. -Come on, what? 1185 00:44:20,658 --> 00:44:22,494 I talk about my life onstage. 1186 00:44:22,535 --> 00:44:24,245 My whole life. 1187 00:44:24,287 --> 00:44:26,247 I talk about my parents and my children, 1188 00:44:26,289 --> 00:44:28,625 and my relationships and my failures, 1189 00:44:28,666 --> 00:44:30,251 and everyone else's failures, 1190 00:44:30,293 --> 00:44:32,670 and my girdle and my sex life. 1191 00:44:32,712 --> 00:44:34,172 -I have seen you onstage. -Twice. 1192 00:44:34,214 --> 00:44:35,632 You've seen me twice. 1193 00:44:35,673 --> 00:44:36,966 It would be different if we were married. 1194 00:44:37,008 --> 00:44:38,343 It would be constant. 1195 00:44:38,385 --> 00:44:40,303 You wouldn't be able to handle it. 1196 00:44:40,345 --> 00:44:42,889 -Oh, really? -My stand-up was the reason that Joel and I... 1197 00:44:42,931 --> 00:44:44,224 -I am not Joel. -I know. 1198 00:44:44,265 --> 00:44:45,683 I got two feet on the guy alone. 1199 00:44:45,725 --> 00:44:48,228 -You are both men. -What the hell does that mean? 1200 00:44:48,269 --> 00:44:50,605 -Proud men. Strong men. -Did you ask? 1201 00:44:50,647 --> 00:44:52,524 Did you ever say, "Hey, Benjamin, 1202 00:44:52,565 --> 00:44:54,984 if I constantly talk about you onstage, is that a problem?" 1203 00:44:55,026 --> 00:44:57,028 -No, I didn't. -That's right. 1204 00:44:57,070 --> 00:44:59,322 You didn't even give me a chance. 1205 00:44:59,364 --> 00:45:01,616 You left me out of the equation altogether. 1206 00:45:01,658 --> 00:45:03,326 I would have been on the road. 1207 00:45:03,368 --> 00:45:06,246 We would have been separated a lot. 1208 00:45:06,287 --> 00:45:09,833 And the coming back together would've been sensational. 1209 00:45:10,875 --> 00:45:12,168 (chair scrapes) 1210 00:45:13,753 --> 00:45:15,380 Please don't go. 1211 00:45:15,422 --> 00:45:17,715 You broke my heart, Miriam. 1212 00:45:20,427 --> 00:45:22,470 Do not send your mother again. 1213 00:45:27,976 --> 00:45:31,688 You never even got to see the ring. 1214 00:45:31,729 --> 00:45:35,483 It was spectacular, by the way. 1215 00:45:37,402 --> 00:45:40,155 I have no doubt. 1216 00:45:44,868 --> 00:45:47,454 (indistinct chatter) 1217 00:45:48,746 --> 00:45:49,956 Oh, yes, Anya. 1218 00:45:49,998 --> 00:45:51,624 And your youngest girl, Leslie, 1219 00:45:51,666 --> 00:45:53,251 is she still single? 1220 00:45:53,293 --> 00:45:55,003 Oh, she is. Good. 1221 00:45:55,044 --> 00:45:58,756 And is there any specific reason why? 1222 00:45:58,798 --> 00:46:01,509 Well, has she tried bangs? 1223 00:46:01,551 --> 00:46:03,094 Oh. How unfortunate. 1224 00:46:03,136 --> 00:46:05,763 Well, there must be some wonderful man out there 1225 00:46:05,805 --> 00:46:07,849 just waiting for someone like Leslie. 1226 00:46:07,891 --> 00:46:10,935 And she turns 30 when? 1227 00:46:10,977 --> 00:46:13,021 Mm-hmm. 1228 00:46:13,062 --> 00:46:15,023 Oh, no, there's plenty of time. 1229 00:46:15,064 --> 00:46:16,608 -Don't you worry. -(door opens) 1230 00:46:16,649 --> 00:46:18,359 Mama! Where are you? 1231 00:46:18,401 --> 00:46:22,113 In the meantime, I will put my thinking cap on. 1232 00:46:22,155 --> 00:46:23,698 Hang up. 1233 00:46:23,740 --> 00:46:25,116 Anya, I have to go, 1234 00:46:25,158 --> 00:46:27,118 but I will call you soon. 1235 00:46:27,160 --> 00:46:29,204 Being on the road has made you extremely rude. 1236 00:46:29,245 --> 00:46:31,623 I cannot believe you went to Benjamin. 1237 00:46:31,664 --> 00:46:33,875 -Miriam... -To his work. His work. 1238 00:46:33,917 --> 00:46:35,627 Well, I wasn't gonna accost him in the street. 1239 00:46:35,668 --> 00:46:37,712 And you went to his work to try and set him up with a girl. 1240 00:46:37,754 --> 00:46:39,547 Am I getting the story right? Because I really want 1241 00:46:39,589 --> 00:46:41,049 to get the story right before I tell you 1242 00:46:41,090 --> 00:46:42,634 how incredibly out of line it was. 1243 00:46:42,675 --> 00:46:43,718 Keep your voice down. 1244 00:46:43,760 --> 00:46:45,553 Do you know how hard it must've been for him 1245 00:46:45,595 --> 00:46:47,055 when I backed out of the wedding? 1246 00:46:47,096 --> 00:46:49,182 -I'm assuming it wasn't easy. -And you had the gall, 1247 00:46:49,224 --> 00:46:51,935 the hubris, the insensitivity 1248 00:46:51,976 --> 00:46:55,188 to go down there and drag him back into that all over again? 1249 00:46:55,230 --> 00:46:58,066 This was none of your business. 1250 00:46:58,107 --> 00:47:00,068 This was between Benjamin and me. 1251 00:47:00,109 --> 00:47:01,819 No one asked you to get in the middle. 1252 00:47:01,861 --> 00:47:03,238 I know he didn't. 1253 00:47:03,279 --> 00:47:04,739 I'm not gonna be talked to like this by my own daughter. 1254 00:47:04,781 --> 00:47:06,574 You know what, I am sorry, Mama. 1255 00:47:06,616 --> 00:47:08,993 I'm sorry that you are so disappointed 1256 00:47:09,035 --> 00:47:10,995 in how my life turned out. 1257 00:47:11,037 --> 00:47:13,998 I'm sorry that you can't understand the turn it's taken. 1258 00:47:14,040 --> 00:47:16,334 I have certainly tried to explain it to you, 1259 00:47:16,376 --> 00:47:17,835 to include you in it, 1260 00:47:17,877 --> 00:47:19,754 but you don't want to understand or be included. 1261 00:47:19,796 --> 00:47:22,465 You just want to be disappointed. 1262 00:47:22,507 --> 00:47:24,634 I'm sorry that I am a comedian 1263 00:47:24,676 --> 00:47:26,803 and that you can't watch me onstage 1264 00:47:26,844 --> 00:47:28,638 and that you still think I'm a prostitute. 1265 00:47:28,680 --> 00:47:31,641 I'm sorry that Joel left me and blew up my life, 1266 00:47:31,683 --> 00:47:32,976 but he did. 1267 00:47:33,017 --> 00:47:34,477 He left. 1268 00:47:34,519 --> 00:47:36,187 He blew up my life. 1269 00:47:36,229 --> 00:47:37,647 I did not want that to happen. 1270 00:47:37,689 --> 00:47:38,982 But it did happen, 1271 00:47:39,023 --> 00:47:40,984 and I had to do something about it. 1272 00:47:41,025 --> 00:47:43,319 And one of these days, you are gonna have to acknowledge 1273 00:47:43,361 --> 00:47:45,238 that this is the new reality. 1274 00:47:45,280 --> 00:47:48,449 That I am, for the first time in my life, 1275 00:47:48,491 --> 00:47:50,285 taking charge of my own destiny, 1276 00:47:50,326 --> 00:47:53,955 just like Joel is in charge of his life and so is Benjamin. 1277 00:47:53,997 --> 00:47:56,040 Maybe you need to get a life of your own 1278 00:47:56,082 --> 00:47:58,376 and you can stop trying to manipulate the lives 1279 00:47:58,418 --> 00:48:00,795 of those around you. (inhales, exhales) 1280 00:48:02,839 --> 00:48:04,215 You're right. 1281 00:48:04,257 --> 00:48:06,217 I don't understand what your life is 1282 00:48:06,259 --> 00:48:08,052 or why you do what you do. 1283 00:48:08,094 --> 00:48:09,846 And, yes, I do feel that comedy 1284 00:48:09,887 --> 00:48:11,472 and prostitution are one and the same. 1285 00:48:11,514 --> 00:48:14,183 And, no, I don't know how to explain it to my friends 1286 00:48:14,225 --> 00:48:15,602 or my rabbi. I don't know how to explain 1287 00:48:15,643 --> 00:48:17,145 that my daughter leaves her children 1288 00:48:17,186 --> 00:48:20,148 to travel around with a tiny part-time plumber in a hat. 1289 00:48:20,189 --> 00:48:22,150 I don't understand why it's funny 1290 00:48:22,191 --> 00:48:24,193 to talk about your parents onstage, 1291 00:48:24,235 --> 00:48:26,029 why it's fun to hear people laugh 1292 00:48:26,070 --> 00:48:28,615 at their mistakes and misfortune. 1293 00:48:28,656 --> 00:48:32,702 But there is one area where you and I are in perfect agreement: 1294 00:48:32,744 --> 00:48:34,954 how precarious a woman's life is 1295 00:48:34,996 --> 00:48:37,874 when it's dependent on the whims of a man. 1296 00:48:37,915 --> 00:48:40,877 That is a lesson I have also learned the hard way. 1297 00:48:40,918 --> 00:48:42,629 Your father blew up my life, too. 1298 00:48:42,670 --> 00:48:44,547 He took everything away in the blink of an eye, 1299 00:48:44,589 --> 00:48:46,049 and now it's up to me to get it back. 1300 00:48:46,090 --> 00:48:48,968 And that is exactly what I intend to do. 1301 00:48:52,722 --> 00:48:54,015 Now, 1302 00:48:54,057 --> 00:48:56,476 if you'll excuse me. 1303 00:49:06,569 --> 00:49:08,112 Bernice, 1304 00:49:08,154 --> 00:49:09,781 Rose Weissman here. 1305 00:49:09,822 --> 00:49:11,449 Left field question, 1306 00:49:11,491 --> 00:49:14,952 is your son still clinically blind? 1307 00:49:14,994 --> 00:49:16,371 Wonderful. 1308 00:49:16,412 --> 00:49:18,790 ("Feeling Good" by Nina Simone playing) 1309 00:49:18,831 --> 00:49:20,833 (clacking) 1310 00:49:22,835 --> 00:49:24,921 INSTRUCTOR: 30 seconds, ladies. 1311 00:49:33,596 --> 00:49:38,142 ♪ And I'm feeling good ♪ 1312 00:49:39,310 --> 00:49:45,274 ♪ Feeling good... ♪ 1313 00:49:49,987 --> 00:49:52,365 Am I late? I thought I was on time. 1314 00:49:52,407 --> 00:49:54,325 There was a last-minute shoe issue. 1315 00:49:54,367 --> 00:49:55,618 The color was different in different light, 1316 00:49:55,660 --> 00:49:57,120 so I had to make sure I was prepared. 1317 00:49:57,161 --> 00:49:58,538 Brought an extra pair, but they hurt my feet 1318 00:49:58,579 --> 00:49:59,956 and I walk a little funny, which might be fun 1319 00:49:59,997 --> 00:50:01,499 since I'm a comic, right? Worked for Chaplin. 1320 00:50:01,541 --> 00:50:02,834 But I didn't think it added that much time to-- 1321 00:50:02,875 --> 00:50:04,836 Yep, I'm late. Well, la-di-da. 1322 00:50:04,877 --> 00:50:06,921 -It's fine. -I'm excited. 1323 00:50:06,963 --> 00:50:08,339 The Apollo, right? 1324 00:50:08,381 --> 00:50:10,425 Hey, you read the sign. 1325 00:50:10,466 --> 00:50:13,219 Look, I, uh, have a thing I need to take care of tonight. 1326 00:50:13,261 --> 00:50:14,679 -What's wrong? -Nothing's wrong. 1327 00:50:14,721 --> 00:50:16,889 It's a bullshit family thing, but I want it taken care of 1328 00:50:16,931 --> 00:50:19,142 before we go, so I may have to miss your set. 1329 00:50:19,183 --> 00:50:20,810 It's 'cause I wore the wrong shoes, right? 1330 00:50:20,852 --> 00:50:22,812 Yes. So if I don't talk to you before, 1331 00:50:22,854 --> 00:50:24,731 I will meet you at the airport tomorrow night. 1332 00:50:24,772 --> 00:50:25,982 Okay. 1333 00:50:26,023 --> 00:50:27,233 You're gonna be great. 1334 00:50:27,275 --> 00:50:28,818 There is no other option. 1335 00:50:28,860 --> 00:50:30,403 You bet your ass. Tits up? 1336 00:50:30,445 --> 00:50:32,905 Tits up. 1337 00:50:32,947 --> 00:50:34,824 Don't be late for the fucking plane. 1338 00:50:34,866 --> 00:50:37,410 I'm never late. Ooh. 1339 00:50:37,452 --> 00:50:40,913 (band playing) 1340 00:50:40,955 --> 00:50:42,957 (cheering and applause) 1341 00:50:56,220 --> 00:50:57,180 Oh! 1342 00:50:57,221 --> 00:50:59,098 Oh! Oh! 1343 00:50:59,140 --> 00:51:01,058 Oh! 1344 00:51:24,707 --> 00:51:25,833 (cheering) 1345 00:51:29,128 --> 00:51:31,923 (cheering) 1346 00:51:31,964 --> 00:51:33,758 MAN: All right, young man. 1347 00:51:40,932 --> 00:51:43,351 (cheering and applause) 1348 00:51:43,392 --> 00:51:45,561 ♪ ♪ 1349 00:51:45,603 --> 00:51:48,022 (indistinct chatter) 1350 00:52:01,536 --> 00:52:03,746 Ah. Good. Eat this. 1351 00:52:03,788 --> 00:52:05,164 -What is it? -Oatmeal cookie. 1352 00:52:05,206 --> 00:52:07,166 Why do you have the world's entire supply? 1353 00:52:07,208 --> 00:52:09,252 People make this stuff for Shy because he goes around saying 1354 00:52:09,293 --> 00:52:10,795 these are his favorite foods. 1355 00:52:10,837 --> 00:52:12,255 They are not his favorite foods. 1356 00:52:12,296 --> 00:52:14,257 In fact, he never even touches the damn stuff, 1357 00:52:14,298 --> 00:52:15,842 and then I have to-- Thelma! 1358 00:52:15,883 --> 00:52:18,010 (chuckles): Darling, you look wonderful! 1359 00:52:18,052 --> 00:52:20,179 You give these date bars to Shy, now. 1360 00:52:20,221 --> 00:52:21,848 I will. I will. 1361 00:52:21,889 --> 00:52:23,266 (both chuckle) 1362 00:52:23,307 --> 00:52:25,184 -Eat these. -Just throw them out. 1363 00:52:25,226 --> 00:52:27,186 You do that, someone sees and Harlem burns. 1364 00:52:27,228 --> 00:52:28,771 Marla Mae! 1365 00:52:28,813 --> 00:52:31,023 This is my sister's girl, Lorna. 1366 00:52:31,065 --> 00:52:32,441 You make sure she meets Shy. 1367 00:52:32,483 --> 00:52:34,026 You know I will. 1368 00:52:34,068 --> 00:52:36,445 -Just wait over there, sweetheart. -Okay. 1369 00:52:36,487 --> 00:52:37,572 Appetizers? 1370 00:52:37,613 --> 00:52:38,990 REGGIE: The ladies in the neighborhood 1371 00:52:39,031 --> 00:52:40,783 also want to marry Shy off. 1372 00:52:40,825 --> 00:52:41,909 I'm sorry, am I in temple? 1373 00:52:41,951 --> 00:52:43,035 I'm gonna say hi to Shy. 1374 00:52:43,077 --> 00:52:44,120 Do not bother him too long. 1375 00:52:44,161 --> 00:52:45,121 He has vocalizing to do. 1376 00:52:45,162 --> 00:52:46,539 He cannot be rusty tonight. 1377 00:52:46,581 --> 00:52:48,291 Hometown crowds-- they love you the most, 1378 00:52:48,332 --> 00:52:49,709 but they also give you the most shit 1379 00:52:49,750 --> 00:52:51,043 when you aren't on your best game. 1380 00:52:51,085 --> 00:52:53,045 Oh, I know. If I step up to my butcher counter 1381 00:52:53,087 --> 00:52:54,797 and I haven't decided four or six lamb chops, 1382 00:52:54,839 --> 00:52:56,215 I get eviscerated. 1383 00:52:56,257 --> 00:52:58,384 I wind up getting cube steak out of pure intimidation. 1384 00:52:58,426 --> 00:53:00,386 Yeah, it's nothing like that, but thanks for sharing. 1385 00:53:00,428 --> 00:53:02,013 Hey, have another cookie. 1386 00:53:02,054 --> 00:53:03,639 -Sorry, pal. -Shit. 1387 00:53:03,681 --> 00:53:06,767 Ella! Are those your meatloaf sandwiches I see there? 1388 00:53:06,809 --> 00:53:08,978 -Yes. (giggles) -Mmm! 1389 00:53:09,020 --> 00:53:10,897 (knocking) 1390 00:53:10,938 --> 00:53:13,316 Oh, so that's where you've been for the last two months. 1391 00:53:13,357 --> 00:53:16,068 Get in here, Little Miss Mouthy! 1392 00:53:16,110 --> 00:53:19,322 Mr. Baldwin, you look like a million bucks. 1393 00:53:19,363 --> 00:53:21,157 Oh, no, my price has gone way up. 1394 00:53:21,198 --> 00:53:23,826 -(laughs) -(chuckles): Oh. 1395 00:53:23,868 --> 00:53:25,995 Back up, now. Let me see that dress. 1396 00:53:26,037 --> 00:53:27,580 I thought I'd go understated today, 1397 00:53:27,622 --> 00:53:28,664 try to blend in. 1398 00:53:28,706 --> 00:53:30,750 In that? Nice try. 1399 00:53:30,791 --> 00:53:32,752 It's so good to see you. 1400 00:53:32,793 --> 00:53:34,003 You, too. 1401 00:53:34,045 --> 00:53:35,338 Get yourself some champagne. 1402 00:53:35,379 --> 00:53:36,422 You want some? 1403 00:53:36,464 --> 00:53:38,716 Not before the show. 1404 00:53:40,718 --> 00:53:43,095 You know, I tried to call you a few times, 1405 00:53:43,137 --> 00:53:45,514 but you got that housekeeper, General Patton. 1406 00:53:45,556 --> 00:53:48,017 Yes. You'd think after helping save the world from Hitler, 1407 00:53:48,059 --> 00:53:49,518 he could get a better gig. 1408 00:53:49,560 --> 00:53:51,228 Bet you can bounce a quarter off your bed 1409 00:53:51,270 --> 00:53:52,480 when he makes it though. 1410 00:53:52,521 --> 00:53:54,315 So, tell me what you've been up to. 1411 00:53:54,357 --> 00:53:56,651 Well, I've been living in Queens. 1412 00:53:56,692 --> 00:53:58,277 Doing some radio work. 1413 00:53:58,319 --> 00:54:01,030 Got paid in feminine products and pancake syrup. 1414 00:54:01,072 --> 00:54:02,365 My nephew had his bris. 1415 00:54:02,406 --> 00:54:03,574 He had his what? 1416 00:54:03,616 --> 00:54:04,659 It's where they cut off your penis 1417 00:54:04,700 --> 00:54:05,826 and then we all eat deli. 1418 00:54:05,868 --> 00:54:07,828 It's time for both of us to get back on the road. 1419 00:54:07,870 --> 00:54:09,455 -(cheering in distance) -Wow. 1420 00:54:09,497 --> 00:54:10,790 Someone's killing. 1421 00:54:10,831 --> 00:54:12,041 Must be Moms. 1422 00:54:12,083 --> 00:54:14,043 Moms-- Mabley? 1423 00:54:14,085 --> 00:54:15,962 Are you serious? 1424 00:54:16,003 --> 00:54:16,963 Where you going? 1425 00:54:17,004 --> 00:54:18,297 Moms Mabley's onstage. 1426 00:54:18,339 --> 00:54:19,465 Shy Baldwin's right here. 1427 00:54:19,507 --> 00:54:20,633 What happened to our reunion? 1428 00:54:20,675 --> 00:54:22,009 Well, you look good, you feel good, 1429 00:54:22,051 --> 00:54:23,427 you liked my dress. You need some tea? 1430 00:54:23,469 --> 00:54:24,637 -I got some tea. -See ya. 1431 00:54:24,679 --> 00:54:26,222 You are a fickle girl. 1432 00:54:26,263 --> 00:54:28,057 I've been called so much worse. 1433 00:54:28,099 --> 00:54:29,600 (laughter in distance) 1434 00:54:29,642 --> 00:54:32,228 They even said I was prejudiced. 1435 00:54:32,269 --> 00:54:34,230 I'm not prejudiced. 1436 00:54:34,271 --> 00:54:36,691 I'm not. 1437 00:54:36,732 --> 00:54:39,944 But I don't like no old man. 1438 00:54:39,986 --> 00:54:43,030 I don't give a damn what color he is. 1439 00:54:43,072 --> 00:54:45,324 -(cheering and applause) -Yeah. 1440 00:54:45,366 --> 00:54:48,077 Moms likes 'em young, baby. 1441 00:54:48,119 --> 00:54:50,871 -(laughter) -What about it? 1442 00:54:50,913 --> 00:54:53,374 Can't no old man do nothing for me 1443 00:54:53,416 --> 00:54:56,002 but bring me a message from a young man. 1444 00:54:56,043 --> 00:54:57,586 (laughter) 1445 00:54:57,628 --> 00:55:00,256 -That's all he can do. -(applause) 1446 00:55:00,297 --> 00:55:04,135 I don't want nothing old but some old money. 1447 00:55:06,137 --> 00:55:08,431 I married an old man 1448 00:55:08,472 --> 00:55:10,933 when I was nothing but a child. 1449 00:55:10,975 --> 00:55:12,810 Nothing but a child. 1450 00:55:12,852 --> 00:55:14,770 15 years old. 1451 00:55:14,812 --> 00:55:18,107 -WOMAN: That ain't right. -That was the curse back in my day. 1452 00:55:18,149 --> 00:55:22,361 You had to marry who your parents picked out for you. 1453 00:55:22,403 --> 00:55:25,448 My daddy picked out this old man, 1454 00:55:25,489 --> 00:55:28,200 old man. 1455 00:55:28,242 --> 00:55:30,870 My daddy liked him. 1456 00:55:30,911 --> 00:55:33,581 My daddy should've married him. 1457 00:55:33,622 --> 00:55:35,708 (laughter) 1458 00:55:35,750 --> 00:55:38,127 They say 1459 00:55:38,169 --> 00:55:42,673 you shouldn't say nothing about the dead unless it's good. 1460 00:55:42,715 --> 00:55:45,342 He's dead. 1461 00:55:45,384 --> 00:55:47,094 That's good. 1462 00:55:47,136 --> 00:55:48,846 (laughter and applause) 1463 00:55:48,888 --> 00:55:50,264 (laughs) 1464 00:55:50,306 --> 00:55:51,766 One weekend, I say to him, 1465 00:55:51,807 --> 00:55:55,269 I say, "Why don't we go out to the country? 1466 00:55:55,311 --> 00:55:58,439 You know anything about the country?" 1467 00:55:58,481 --> 00:56:00,691 He says... (deep voice): "Sure, 1468 00:56:00,733 --> 00:56:02,943 "I-I know about the country. 1469 00:56:02,985 --> 00:56:05,362 "When-when I was a young boy, 1470 00:56:05,404 --> 00:56:08,115 I used to live in the country." 1471 00:56:08,157 --> 00:56:11,118 I said, "When you was a young boy, 1472 00:56:11,160 --> 00:56:13,788 everybody lived in the country." 1473 00:56:13,829 --> 00:56:17,291 (laughter and cheering) 1474 00:56:17,333 --> 00:56:18,793 Geez. 1475 00:56:18,834 --> 00:56:20,961 That's not intimidating at all. 1476 00:56:21,003 --> 00:56:23,297 And she's as sweet as pie, to boot. 1477 00:56:23,339 --> 00:56:24,715 And thank you, Lord! 1478 00:56:24,757 --> 00:56:28,969 I'm talking to people who know what I'm talking 'bout. 1479 00:56:29,011 --> 00:56:32,264 (cheering and applause) 1480 00:56:39,313 --> 00:56:40,940 EMCEE: The great Moms Mabley, ladies and gentlemen. 1481 00:56:40,981 --> 00:56:42,358 That's the way it's done. 1482 00:56:42,399 --> 00:56:44,443 I wish you'd told me that before Dayton. 1483 00:56:44,485 --> 00:56:46,362 Could've saved a whole bunch of time. 1484 00:56:46,403 --> 00:56:48,197 -Excuse me. -And now please welcome 1485 00:56:48,239 --> 00:56:50,366 -the Silver Belles. -Excuse me. 1486 00:56:50,407 --> 00:56:52,451 Go see if there's any of that Shy food left over. 1487 00:56:52,493 --> 00:56:53,869 I'm starving. 1488 00:56:53,911 --> 00:56:55,704 Excuse me. Moms? 1489 00:56:55,746 --> 00:56:59,291 I mean, Mrs.-Mrs. Moms. Miss Moms. Moms Mabley. Ma'am. 1490 00:56:59,333 --> 00:57:02,503 I don't know what to call you, but I am a really big fan. 1491 00:57:02,545 --> 00:57:05,381 Well, a really big fan might know what to call me. 1492 00:57:05,422 --> 00:57:07,383 I actually saw you in Chicago. 1493 00:57:07,424 --> 00:57:08,968 We only played one night there, and, technically, I was supposed 1494 00:57:09,009 --> 00:57:10,970 to be at the theater in case Shy called me back up for a bit, 1495 00:57:11,011 --> 00:57:12,471 which he does sometimes but not a lot... 1496 00:57:12,513 --> 00:57:14,473 Uh-huh. Get me a chair, honey. 1497 00:57:14,515 --> 00:57:16,642 -I think this is gonna take a while. -(chuckles) 1498 00:57:16,684 --> 00:57:18,394 But I snuck out, because you were playing Mister Kelly's, 1499 00:57:18,435 --> 00:57:19,812 and I'd also never seen Mister Kelly's. 1500 00:57:19,854 --> 00:57:20,896 So, anyhow, I went. 1501 00:57:20,938 --> 00:57:23,149 You were great then, too. 1502 00:57:23,190 --> 00:57:24,483 What is your name, sweetheart? 1503 00:57:24,525 --> 00:57:26,652 Midge Maisel. Mrs. Maisel, actually. 1504 00:57:26,694 --> 00:57:28,320 -Tha-That's my stage name. -Wait a minute, 1505 00:57:28,362 --> 00:57:29,530 you're Mrs. Maisel? 1506 00:57:29,572 --> 00:57:31,490 -Yes. -Are you kidding me? 1507 00:57:31,532 --> 00:57:33,075 This is the girl opening for Shy tonight. 1508 00:57:33,117 --> 00:57:34,827 She's the one that got your spot. 1509 00:57:34,869 --> 00:57:36,745 -I did? -Yes, you did. 1510 00:57:36,787 --> 00:57:38,247 -Marcus. -She's Moms Mabley. 1511 00:57:38,289 --> 00:57:40,124 You really think she should be opening for you? 1512 00:57:40,166 --> 00:57:42,501 She's not opening for me. I'm opening for Shy. 1513 00:57:42,543 --> 00:57:44,336 You got the prime spot, Shirley Temple. 1514 00:57:44,378 --> 00:57:45,838 You can't read a program? 1515 00:57:45,880 --> 00:57:47,548 I didn't know there was a program. 1516 00:57:47,590 --> 00:57:48,549 I'm gonna talk to Shy. 1517 00:57:48,591 --> 00:57:49,550 I'm gonna really talk to Shy. 1518 00:57:49,592 --> 00:57:51,552 -Oh, Marcus, hush now. -It's not right. 1519 00:57:51,594 --> 00:57:53,304 Who the hell is this little white girl anyhow? 1520 00:57:53,345 --> 00:57:56,098 Oh, Marcus, you back off now. 1521 00:57:56,140 --> 00:57:58,517 That audience out there is gonna give her a tough enough time 1522 00:57:58,559 --> 00:58:01,270 without you in her face. 1523 00:58:01,312 --> 00:58:04,273 It was nice meeting you, Mrs. Maisel. 1524 00:58:04,315 --> 00:58:07,902 Welcome to the Apollo. 1525 00:58:12,489 --> 00:58:14,450 Oh. Good. 1526 00:58:14,491 --> 00:58:16,368 Eat this. 1527 00:58:16,410 --> 00:58:17,661 What's the matter? 1528 00:58:17,703 --> 00:58:19,747 Nothing. Do you have a program? 1529 00:58:19,788 --> 00:58:22,166 -A what? -Why am I opening for Shy, Reggie? 1530 00:58:22,208 --> 00:58:23,667 'Cause Shy ain't gonna open for you. 1531 00:58:23,709 --> 00:58:26,003 Do you think this is the right crowd for me? 1532 00:58:26,045 --> 00:58:28,422 Well, it's the crowd you got, so let's hope so. 1533 00:58:28,464 --> 00:58:30,591 I don't know. I don't know. 1534 00:58:30,633 --> 00:58:32,343 -Midge. -They loved Moms. 1535 00:58:32,384 --> 00:58:34,261 I shouldn't be on after Moms Mabley. 1536 00:58:34,303 --> 00:58:35,512 They're gonna hate me for that. 1537 00:58:35,554 --> 00:58:37,181 Oh. You been talking to Marcus? 1538 00:58:37,223 --> 00:58:38,599 He called me a white girl. 1539 00:58:38,641 --> 00:58:40,684 -Wow. Low blow. -He's right. 1540 00:58:40,726 --> 00:58:42,436 There's royalty on this stage tonight. 1541 00:58:42,478 --> 00:58:44,438 I'm-I'm not ready for this. I haven't earned it. 1542 00:58:44,480 --> 00:58:46,023 It doesn't matter if you earned it. It's here. 1543 00:58:46,065 --> 00:58:47,024 You got to do it. 1544 00:58:47,066 --> 00:58:48,192 I'm nervous. 1545 00:58:48,234 --> 00:58:49,443 I'm never nervous, 1546 00:58:49,485 --> 00:58:51,695 but, right now, I am really, really nervous. 1547 00:58:51,737 --> 00:58:52,863 Where the hell is Susie? 1548 00:58:52,905 --> 00:58:54,365 She had a family thing to do. 1549 00:58:54,406 --> 00:58:55,950 Tonight? 1550 00:58:55,991 --> 00:58:57,368 I shouldn't go out there. 1551 00:58:57,409 --> 00:58:59,036 This is a very important show for Shy. 1552 00:58:59,078 --> 00:59:00,454 It's a comeback show. 1553 00:59:00,496 --> 00:59:02,706 If I fail, it could look really bad for him. 1554 00:59:02,748 --> 00:59:03,707 Then don't fail. 1555 00:59:03,749 --> 00:59:05,125 I am gonna fail. 1556 00:59:05,167 --> 00:59:07,378 (clears throat) Now look at me. 1557 00:59:07,419 --> 00:59:09,546 Yes, that's gonna be a tough crowd. 1558 00:59:09,588 --> 00:59:11,215 They will love you or they will hate you, 1559 00:59:11,257 --> 00:59:13,259 and they will let you know their verdict immediately. 1560 00:59:13,300 --> 00:59:15,261 And maybe you should cut back 1561 00:59:15,302 --> 00:59:17,304 on the Jewish brisket talk a little. 1562 00:59:17,346 --> 00:59:19,306 You know Shy. They know Shy. 1563 00:59:19,348 --> 00:59:21,183 Get out there and talk about Shy. 1564 00:59:21,225 --> 00:59:22,935 I'm not following. 1565 00:59:22,977 --> 00:59:24,561 You're great at riffing. I've seen you do it. 1566 00:59:24,603 --> 00:59:26,563 Shy is like family to these people. 1567 00:59:26,605 --> 00:59:28,315 They want to hear stories about him. 1568 00:59:28,357 --> 00:59:30,317 Stories about the road, late-night craziness, 1569 00:59:30,359 --> 00:59:32,486 gossip, tantrums-- they love that sort of shit. 1570 00:59:32,528 --> 00:59:34,530 You want me to talk about Shy on the road? 1571 00:59:34,571 --> 00:59:36,532 -Yep. -Shy. 1572 00:59:36,573 --> 00:59:39,034 Yes. It's not something you should do anywhere else, 1573 00:59:39,076 --> 00:59:41,036 but here, in Harlem, his hometown, 1574 00:59:41,078 --> 00:59:42,705 they'll eat it up. 1575 00:59:42,746 --> 00:59:43,831 You calm now? 1576 00:59:43,872 --> 00:59:45,124 -No. -Good. 1577 00:59:45,165 --> 00:59:47,835 -You're gonna be fine. -Thank you, Reggie. 1578 00:59:47,876 --> 00:59:50,296 You really want to thank me? 1579 00:59:52,506 --> 00:59:53,757 Ladies and gentlemen, 1580 00:59:53,799 --> 00:59:54,925 welcome to the stage, 1581 00:59:54,967 --> 00:59:56,844 her first time at the Apollo, 1582 00:59:56,885 --> 00:59:58,679 Mrs. Maisel. 1583 00:59:58,721 --> 01:00:01,307 (inhales) Tits up. 1584 01:00:06,603 --> 01:00:08,564 MAN: Oh, no. 1585 01:00:08,605 --> 01:00:10,149 (woman laughs) 1586 01:00:10,190 --> 01:00:12,151 (quiet chatter) 1587 01:00:16,613 --> 01:00:18,615 (chatter grows louder) 1588 01:00:21,035 --> 01:00:22,870 (chatter quiets) 1589 01:00:22,911 --> 01:00:24,538 Whoa. 1590 01:00:24,580 --> 01:00:26,915 You all look like you've just seen a ghost. 1591 01:00:26,957 --> 01:00:29,710 (laughter and cheering) 1592 01:00:32,046 --> 01:00:34,631 Yes. Yes, I know. 1593 01:00:34,673 --> 01:00:36,592 After this, I'm heading to LaGuardia 1594 01:00:36,633 --> 01:00:38,218 to help land some planes. 1595 01:00:38,260 --> 01:00:39,470 (laughter) 1596 01:00:39,511 --> 01:00:41,597 Now, before we get any further, 1597 01:00:41,638 --> 01:00:43,349 -who made this? -WOMAN 1: I made that! 1598 01:00:43,390 --> 01:00:44,391 WOMAN 2: Me. 1599 01:00:44,433 --> 01:00:45,726 It looks like mine. 1600 01:00:45,768 --> 01:00:46,977 Mmm. 1601 01:00:47,019 --> 01:00:49,063 Unbelievable. 1602 01:00:49,104 --> 01:00:51,899 -Fried in oil? Ah. -WOMAN 1: Lard! 1603 01:00:51,940 --> 01:00:53,275 You ever use schmaltz? 1604 01:00:53,317 --> 01:00:55,277 Same heart attack, different afterlife. 1605 01:00:55,319 --> 01:00:56,278 (laughter) 1606 01:00:56,320 --> 01:00:57,363 Mmm. 1607 01:00:57,404 --> 01:00:59,365 So... (inhales deeply) 1608 01:00:59,406 --> 01:01:00,908 Shy Baldwin. 1609 01:01:00,949 --> 01:01:02,159 (cheering and applause) 1610 01:01:04,036 --> 01:01:05,788 Oh! You've heard of him. 1611 01:01:05,829 --> 01:01:08,499 He's pretty great, huh? 1612 01:01:08,540 --> 01:01:10,125 You know where we met? 1613 01:01:10,167 --> 01:01:11,585 In the ladies' room. 1614 01:01:11,627 --> 01:01:13,337 No, seriously, we did. 1615 01:01:13,379 --> 01:01:15,047 At a charity event. I mean, picture it. 1616 01:01:15,089 --> 01:01:18,092 This pretty, dainty, elegant thing, 1617 01:01:18,133 --> 01:01:19,426 primping in the mirror, 1618 01:01:19,468 --> 01:01:21,512 and there I was, right next to him. 1619 01:01:21,553 --> 01:01:23,222 -(laughter) -MAN: Ooh! 1620 01:01:23,263 --> 01:01:25,766 How do you compete with those cheekbones? 1621 01:01:25,808 --> 01:01:28,352 Those Ava Gardner cheekbones. 1622 01:01:28,394 --> 01:01:30,229 The man is so gorgeous 1623 01:01:30,270 --> 01:01:32,439 that Arthur Miller's sniffing around him. 1624 01:01:32,481 --> 01:01:34,316 He's the only person I know 1625 01:01:34,358 --> 01:01:37,236 gorgeous enough to play Romeo and Juliet. 1626 01:01:37,277 --> 01:01:40,114 (laughter and applause) 1627 01:01:40,155 --> 01:01:42,116 So I've been hanging out with Shy on tour, 1628 01:01:42,157 --> 01:01:46,078 and I discovered that all he has to do is sing. 1629 01:01:46,120 --> 01:01:47,996 He has a guy for everything else. 1630 01:01:48,038 --> 01:01:49,081 Well... 1631 01:01:49,123 --> 01:01:51,083 -just about everything else. -(laughter) 1632 01:01:51,125 --> 01:01:54,169 No, he pretty much has a guy for everything else. 1633 01:01:54,211 --> 01:01:55,629 -(laughter) -You see 'em on the road, 1634 01:01:55,671 --> 01:01:57,965 his guys, falling over themselves outside his door. 1635 01:01:58,006 --> 01:02:00,426 "Whatever you need, Shy." "Let me tuck you in, Shy." 1636 01:02:00,467 --> 01:02:02,302 "Let me get that makeup off your collar, Shy." 1637 01:02:02,344 --> 01:02:05,305 Don't be scandalized, it's his. 1638 01:02:05,347 --> 01:02:06,723 (laughter) 1639 01:02:06,765 --> 01:02:09,393 We were on the road a while, and coming back to New York, 1640 01:02:09,435 --> 01:02:12,020 I was a half a day on a plane, a train, 1641 01:02:12,062 --> 01:02:14,022 a bus, a cab, a rickshaw. 1642 01:02:14,064 --> 01:02:16,733 Shy comes home, he doesn't need a plane. 1643 01:02:16,775 --> 01:02:17,985 He doesn't need a train. 1644 01:02:18,026 --> 01:02:20,696 He just puts on his Judy Garland shoes, 1645 01:02:20,737 --> 01:02:22,781 clicks his heels together three times and says, 1646 01:02:22,823 --> 01:02:25,659 "There's no place like Harlem. There's no place like Harlem." 1647 01:02:32,708 --> 01:02:34,710 And his closet? 1648 01:02:34,751 --> 01:02:36,962 It's enormous. 1649 01:02:37,004 --> 01:02:38,881 -It has a doorbell. -(laughter) 1650 01:02:38,922 --> 01:02:41,967 I went in there once, at a party. Amazing. 1651 01:02:42,009 --> 01:02:44,720 With the silks and the satins, the chiffons, 1652 01:02:44,761 --> 01:02:47,055 the chenilles-- these aren't girl groups, 1653 01:02:47,097 --> 01:02:48,974 these are his clothes. 1654 01:02:50,476 --> 01:02:51,727 Hey. 1655 01:02:51,768 --> 01:02:53,270 (mouth full): Who made this? 1656 01:02:53,312 --> 01:02:54,980 Mm, yeah. 1657 01:02:55,022 --> 01:02:58,025 I-I'm not actually a comedian, I just came here to eat. 1658 01:02:58,066 --> 01:03:01,028 Mm-hmm. 1659 01:03:02,070 --> 01:03:05,199 Shy takes Cleopatra milk baths! 1660 01:03:05,240 --> 01:03:07,784 (laughing): Actually, I have no idea if that's true, 1661 01:03:07,826 --> 01:03:10,954 -but it feels true, right? -(laughter) 1662 01:03:18,420 --> 01:03:21,423 TESSIE: Boy, it went up a lot faster than I thought it would. 1663 01:03:21,465 --> 01:03:24,051 SUSIE: 60 years of Southern Comfort in that floor 1664 01:03:24,092 --> 01:03:27,095 -probably sped up the process. -(chuckles) 1665 01:03:27,137 --> 01:03:29,515 It's almost beautiful like this, isn't it? 1666 01:03:29,556 --> 01:03:31,183 -No. -Yeah. 1667 01:03:32,726 --> 01:03:34,353 So... 1668 01:03:34,394 --> 01:03:36,813 this gonna get you out of your hole? 1669 01:03:36,855 --> 01:03:38,524 (sighs): Well... the insurance will cover 1670 01:03:38,565 --> 01:03:40,692 Midge's portion of the money I lost. 1671 01:03:40,734 --> 01:03:43,153 -That's what's important. -What about you? 1672 01:03:43,195 --> 01:03:45,030 I don't need much. 1673 01:03:45,072 --> 01:03:46,990 Hey, Tess... 1674 01:03:47,032 --> 01:03:49,243 thanks for committing a felony with me. 1675 01:03:49,284 --> 01:03:50,827 Thanks for making sure 1676 01:03:50,869 --> 01:03:53,455 I never have to sleep in that house again. 1677 01:03:53,497 --> 01:03:55,040 Though I still wish you would have waited 1678 01:03:55,082 --> 01:03:56,833 till Skint was in there to light it up. 1679 01:03:56,875 --> 01:03:58,835 It was tempting, I got to admit. 1680 01:03:58,877 --> 01:04:00,587 You know, you can just leave him. 1681 01:04:00,629 --> 01:04:02,631 Setting him on fire would have been easier. 1682 01:04:02,673 --> 01:04:04,174 You got to do something, Tess. 1683 01:04:04,216 --> 01:04:06,718 You shouldn't be miserable forever. 1684 01:04:06,760 --> 01:04:08,262 Yeah. 1685 01:04:08,303 --> 01:04:10,806 (sighs) Well... 1686 01:04:10,847 --> 01:04:11,974 bye, Mom. 1687 01:04:12,015 --> 01:04:13,892 Hope it's better where you are. 1688 01:04:13,934 --> 01:04:16,853 (sirens approaching) 1689 01:04:16,895 --> 01:04:19,815 SUSIE: Hey, where is she, by the way? Mortuary, or...? 1690 01:04:19,856 --> 01:04:22,192 TESSIE: Shit. I forgot to ask. 1691 01:04:22,234 --> 01:04:24,319 -(sirens wailing) -I'll call tomorrow. 1692 01:04:24,361 --> 01:04:26,697 I think that's how she would have wanted it. 1693 01:04:26,738 --> 01:04:29,491 She's gone, and we have no idea where. 1694 01:04:29,533 --> 01:04:31,201 Hmm. 1695 01:04:31,243 --> 01:04:33,954 (laughter and applause) 1696 01:04:39,626 --> 01:04:41,670 Hold on, my mouth is full. 1697 01:04:41,712 --> 01:04:44,047 -(cheering) -Oh, now you're just adding 1698 01:04:44,089 --> 01:04:45,716 your own punch lines. 1699 01:04:45,757 --> 01:04:47,342 (laughter) 1700 01:04:47,384 --> 01:04:50,053 Well, this has been the biggest honor of my life. 1701 01:04:50,095 --> 01:04:53,390 To stand here at the Apollo and eat on the same stage 1702 01:04:53,432 --> 01:04:56,935 that Moms Mabley killed on just moments ago. 1703 01:04:56,977 --> 01:04:58,145 (cheering) 1704 01:04:58,186 --> 01:05:00,647 Thank you, Shy Baldwin. 1705 01:05:00,689 --> 01:05:02,941 And speaking of Shy Baldwin... 1706 01:05:02,983 --> 01:05:05,152 (cheering) 1707 01:05:05,193 --> 01:05:07,487 He clearly doesn't need an introduction, 1708 01:05:07,529 --> 01:05:09,448 but here it is anyhow. 1709 01:05:09,489 --> 01:05:11,575 Ladies and gentlemen, the one, the only, 1710 01:05:11,617 --> 01:05:14,870 the fabulous Shy Baldwin! 1711 01:05:14,911 --> 01:05:17,331 (cheering and applause) 1712 01:05:19,166 --> 01:05:21,585 (band playing bluesy intro) 1713 01:05:29,176 --> 01:05:31,261 ♪ ♪ 1714 01:05:39,478 --> 01:05:41,229 (cheering) 1715 01:06:02,834 --> 01:06:04,836 ♪ ♪ 1716 01:06:12,511 --> 01:06:15,389 -(cheering) -♪ I want somebody ♪ 1717 01:06:15,430 --> 01:06:18,809 ♪ To hold my hand ♪ 1718 01:06:18,850 --> 01:06:22,270 ♪ Somebody to love me ♪ 1719 01:06:22,312 --> 01:06:24,815 ♪ And understand ♪ 1720 01:06:25,982 --> 01:06:27,818 ♪ I want a woman ♪ 1721 01:06:28,985 --> 01:06:32,614 ♪ I want a lover ♪ 1722 01:06:32,656 --> 01:06:34,700 ♪ I want a friend ♪ 1723 01:06:36,993 --> 01:06:39,329 -(cheering) -♪ I... ♪ 1724 01:06:39,371 --> 01:06:42,207 ♪ I want somebody ♪ 1725 01:06:42,249 --> 01:06:45,961 ♪ To share my love ♪ 1726 01:06:46,002 --> 01:06:47,963 ♪ 'Cause loving is something ♪ 1727 01:06:48,004 --> 01:06:50,716 -♪ Come on and hold me tight ♪ -♪ I got plenty of ♪ 1728 01:06:50,757 --> 01:06:52,718 ♪ Bring me your love tonight ♪ 1729 01:06:52,759 --> 01:06:55,429 ♪ I want a woman ♪ 1730 01:06:55,470 --> 01:06:57,431 ♪ I want a lover ♪ 1731 01:06:57,472 --> 01:06:58,974 ♪ He wants a lover ♪ 1732 01:06:59,015 --> 01:07:02,436 ♪ I want a friend ♪ 1733 01:07:03,895 --> 01:07:05,856 ♪ Ooh... ♪ 1734 01:07:05,897 --> 01:07:08,859 ♪ I don't want a fancy gal ♪ 1735 01:07:08,900 --> 01:07:11,111 ♪ With powder and paint ♪ 1736 01:07:12,195 --> 01:07:14,489 ♪ I don't want a woman ♪ 1737 01:07:15,824 --> 01:07:17,993 ♪ Who thinks she's a saint ♪ 1738 01:07:18,034 --> 01:07:21,830 -(cheering) -♪ I'm looking for someone ♪ 1739 01:07:21,872 --> 01:07:24,499 ♪ Who's not make-believe ♪ 1740 01:07:25,792 --> 01:07:28,503 ♪ And doesn't mind giving ♪ 1741 01:07:28,545 --> 01:07:32,549 ♪ That she may receive ♪ 1742 01:07:32,591 --> 01:07:35,552 (fading): ♪ There must be somebody ♪ 1743 01:07:35,594 --> 01:07:37,387 ♪ Somewhere around... ♪ 1744 01:07:37,429 --> 01:07:39,389 ANTONIO: I have to tell you, Mrs. Maisel, 1745 01:07:39,431 --> 01:07:42,017 the staff is really excited about your moving back in. 1746 01:07:42,058 --> 01:07:44,978 -We've missed you. -I've missed you, too, Antonio. 1747 01:07:45,020 --> 01:07:47,439 Now, technically, I'm not supposed to let you in 1748 01:07:47,481 --> 01:07:50,150 until the first of the month, but it's you, so... 1749 01:07:50,192 --> 01:07:51,568 It's our secret. I promise. 1750 01:07:51,610 --> 01:07:53,487 Okay. Well, I'll leave you to it. 1751 01:07:53,528 --> 01:07:55,071 Uh, take your time. 1752 01:07:55,113 --> 01:07:57,491 I'll come back and lock up when you're done. 1753 01:07:57,532 --> 01:07:59,034 Bye, Antonio. 1754 01:08:08,960 --> 01:08:12,255 ♪ It's very clear ♪ 1755 01:08:12,297 --> 01:08:14,925 ♪ Our love is here to stay ♪ 1756 01:08:17,093 --> 01:08:20,222 ♪ Not for a year ♪ 1757 01:08:20,263 --> 01:08:23,141 ♪ But ever and a day ♪ 1758 01:08:24,810 --> 01:08:26,770 ♪ The radio ♪ 1759 01:08:26,812 --> 01:08:28,563 ♪ And the telephone ♪ 1760 01:08:28,605 --> 01:08:30,398 ♪ And the movies ♪ 1761 01:08:30,440 --> 01:08:32,192 ♪ That we know ♪ 1762 01:08:32,234 --> 01:08:35,153 ♪ May just be passing fancies ♪ 1763 01:08:35,195 --> 01:08:37,239 ♪ And in time may go ♪ 1764 01:08:38,240 --> 01:08:39,407 Welcome home. 1765 01:08:39,449 --> 01:08:42,285 ♪ But oh, my dear ♪ 1766 01:08:42,327 --> 01:08:45,163 -♪ Love is here to stay ♪ -(takes deep breath) 1767 01:08:46,623 --> 01:08:49,793 ♪ Together we're... ♪ 1768 01:08:49,835 --> 01:08:52,295 (playing "Love Is Here to Stay") 1769 01:08:52,337 --> 01:08:54,047 Take the big trunks first! 1770 01:08:54,089 --> 01:08:55,799 Those go on the bottom! 1771 01:08:55,841 --> 01:08:58,093 MIDGE (calls): Is my hatbox down there? 1772 01:08:58,134 --> 01:09:00,595 -Which hatbox? -The hatbox with the yellow hat. 1773 01:09:00,637 --> 01:09:02,556 -Which yellow hat? -MOISHE: Off the lawn! 1774 01:09:02,597 --> 01:09:05,141 Do not walk on the lawn! That's new lawn! 1775 01:09:05,183 --> 01:09:07,352 Miriam! You have two meters running. 1776 01:09:07,394 --> 01:09:08,895 Two meters! 1777 01:09:08,937 --> 01:09:10,397 Do not walk on the plants! 1778 01:09:10,438 --> 01:09:12,566 Do not under any circumstances touch that tree. 1779 01:09:12,607 --> 01:09:15,110 I've been putting boxes in the car for an hour, 1780 01:09:15,151 --> 01:09:16,653 and it's not getting any smaller. 1781 01:09:16,695 --> 01:09:18,113 It's nice to have a soundtrack. 1782 01:09:18,154 --> 01:09:20,156 -(phone ringing) -I can't find the yellow hat! 1783 01:09:20,198 --> 01:09:21,658 Abe, answer the phone. 1784 01:09:21,700 --> 01:09:24,703 ABE: Why am I always answering the phone in this house? 1785 01:09:24,744 --> 01:09:27,038 -It's not my house. -MIDGE: I found the yellow hat, 1786 01:09:27,080 --> 01:09:28,373 -but I need another hatbox. -Take these. 1787 01:09:28,415 --> 01:09:29,958 I can say with certain authority 1788 01:09:30,000 --> 01:09:31,293 -you do not need another hatbox. -(ringing continues) 1789 01:09:31,334 --> 01:09:34,129 -Take my hatbox! -Mama, can I take your hatbox? 1790 01:09:34,170 --> 01:09:36,381 -Am I still answering the phone? -Yes. 1791 01:09:36,423 --> 01:09:39,217 -Yes! -Two cabs, two meters. -Hello? 1792 01:09:39,259 --> 01:09:41,094 -Two horns honking. -You're from where? The Village what? 1793 01:09:41,136 --> 01:09:42,637 -MOISHE: I'll take care of the honking. -I can't hear you. 1794 01:09:42,679 --> 01:09:45,932 I live in a lunatic asylum. I'll take this in the kitchen. 1795 01:09:45,974 --> 01:09:48,643 -I'll take it in the kitchen! -MIDGE: Okay, I'm ready. 1796 01:09:48,685 --> 01:09:50,729 -She's coming! -I want to say goodbye to the kids. 1797 01:09:50,770 --> 01:09:51,980 You already said goodbye to the kids. 1798 01:09:52,022 --> 01:09:53,440 That was just the first goodbye. 1799 01:09:53,481 --> 01:09:55,025 Ethan went to play with the little boy across the street. 1800 01:09:55,066 --> 01:09:56,776 Why'd you let him do that? I wanted to say goodbye. 1801 01:09:56,818 --> 01:09:58,153 -You already said goodbye. -Mama. 1802 01:09:58,194 --> 01:10:00,238 We put all the trunks in the car except one. 1803 01:10:00,280 --> 01:10:04,534 How important is the one labeled "bows"? 1804 01:10:04,576 --> 01:10:06,411 Back to square one, Charlie! 1805 01:10:06,453 --> 01:10:07,913 Where the hell are you?! 1806 01:10:07,954 --> 01:10:09,664 -They're gonna turn the meters back on. -No, they're not. 1807 01:10:09,706 --> 01:10:11,333 I want to say goodbye to the kids. 1808 01:10:11,374 --> 01:10:13,627 Ethan, Mommy's leaving! 1809 01:10:13,668 --> 01:10:15,128 Well, you'll never get him that way. 1810 01:10:15,170 --> 01:10:18,757 Ethan! Get your butt back here now! 1811 01:10:18,798 --> 01:10:19,883 -Mommy's leaving. -MOISHE: Shut up! 1812 01:10:19,925 --> 01:10:21,468 I miss all the new words. 1813 01:10:21,509 --> 01:10:23,261 Say a new word for Mommy. Say "kitty." 1814 01:10:23,303 --> 01:10:25,096 -She can't say kitty. -Say "doggy." 1815 01:10:25,138 --> 01:10:26,848 -She can't say doggy. -Say something, kid. 1816 01:10:26,890 --> 01:10:28,516 -You'll give her a complex. -Me? 1817 01:10:28,558 --> 01:10:30,310 You're the one who has her doing leg lifts. 1818 01:10:30,352 --> 01:10:32,479 -That was someone from The Village Voice. -What? 1819 01:10:32,520 --> 01:10:34,272 -It's a newspaper. -We don't need a subscription. 1820 01:10:34,314 --> 01:10:36,066 -They were not selling subscriptions. -Come on, Esther, one new word. 1821 01:10:36,107 --> 01:10:38,568 -One new word for Mommy. -He wants me to be their theater critic. 1822 01:10:38,610 --> 01:10:40,028 -You can't demand a word. It doesn't work like that. -"Ball." 1823 01:10:40,070 --> 01:10:41,404 -Wh-What did you say? -"Door." 1824 01:10:41,446 --> 01:10:43,114 -They want me to be their theater critic. -"Hat." 1825 01:10:43,156 --> 01:10:44,324 -I have to go talk to them right now. -"Bell." 1826 01:10:44,366 --> 01:10:45,742 SHIRLEY: I found Ethan! 1827 01:10:45,784 --> 01:10:47,577 "Martini, extra dry." 1828 01:10:47,619 --> 01:10:50,497 Get out here, say goodbye, and get in the cab. 1829 01:10:50,538 --> 01:10:51,790 I give up. Bye-bye, sweetheart. 1830 01:10:51,831 --> 01:10:53,208 ABE: I'll call you when I get there. 1831 01:10:53,249 --> 01:10:55,627 -I'll call when I get there. -They want you to do what? 1832 01:10:55,669 --> 01:10:58,046 Miriam! Call when you get there. 1833 01:10:58,088 --> 01:11:00,715 Abe, did you say theater critic? 1834 01:11:00,757 --> 01:11:02,717 (airplane passing) 1835 01:11:16,690 --> 01:11:18,274 You're kidding. Two cabs? 1836 01:11:18,316 --> 01:11:19,818 Seems like more than it is. 1837 01:11:19,859 --> 01:11:21,611 How? Is the third cab invisible? 1838 01:11:21,653 --> 01:11:23,905 I'm so excited. 1839 01:11:23,947 --> 01:11:25,991 Why does your hat smell like a barbecue? 1840 01:11:26,032 --> 01:11:27,200 Is this all your luggage? 1841 01:11:27,242 --> 01:11:29,911 Yeah. We may need a second plane. 1842 01:11:29,953 --> 01:11:31,830 -Hold on a second. -Hey, Reggie. 1843 01:11:31,871 --> 01:11:34,124 -So the second cab's a joke. -It's not a joke. 1844 01:11:34,165 --> 01:11:35,750 It's a hilarious fuckin' joke. 1845 01:11:35,792 --> 01:11:37,043 There's been a change of plans. 1846 01:11:37,085 --> 01:11:38,586 You two are not getting on the plane. 1847 01:11:38,628 --> 01:11:40,088 Seriously, she can leave half the shit here. 1848 01:11:40,130 --> 01:11:41,506 I cannot leave it here. 1849 01:11:41,548 --> 01:11:43,049 It has nothing to do with the luggage. 1850 01:11:43,091 --> 01:11:44,926 You're not going on tour. 1851 01:11:44,968 --> 01:11:47,137 What? Why not? 1852 01:11:47,178 --> 01:11:49,264 -Shy changed his mind. -MIDGE: What do you mean? 1853 01:11:49,305 --> 01:11:51,224 He doesn't want you to open for him anymore. 1854 01:11:51,266 --> 01:11:53,852 But... I-I don't understand. 1855 01:11:53,893 --> 01:11:55,895 -We just got a new contract. -Contract is void. 1856 01:11:55,937 --> 01:11:58,648 -What does that mean? -You didn't sign it. It's void. 1857 01:11:58,690 --> 01:12:00,775 Shy dropped me because I didn't sign the contract? 1858 01:12:00,817 --> 01:12:03,611 -I was gonna sign the contract. -It has nothing to do with the contract. 1859 01:12:03,653 --> 01:12:04,821 Then why? 1860 01:12:04,863 --> 01:12:06,865 Your act last night. 1861 01:12:06,906 --> 01:12:08,950 My act last night went great. 1862 01:12:08,992 --> 01:12:10,493 It's what you said in your act. 1863 01:12:10,535 --> 01:12:12,037 What did you say in your act? 1864 01:12:12,078 --> 01:12:13,288 I talked about Shy. 1865 01:12:13,329 --> 01:12:14,539 You said a lot about Shy. 1866 01:12:14,581 --> 01:12:16,833 -You told me to do that. -Personal shit. 1867 01:12:16,875 --> 01:12:18,460 What kind of personal shit? 1868 01:12:18,501 --> 01:12:20,628 Reggie, you said go out there and talk about Shy. 1869 01:12:20,670 --> 01:12:23,381 -I know. -You said he was their family, that they knew all about him. 1870 01:12:23,423 --> 01:12:28,219 I know. But I didn't know that you knew all about him. 1871 01:12:28,261 --> 01:12:29,471 Knew what about him? 1872 01:12:29,512 --> 01:12:31,056 Why's everyone talking in code? 1873 01:12:31,097 --> 01:12:32,474 I made some jokes. 1874 01:12:32,515 --> 01:12:34,017 Some jokes that hit too close to home. 1875 01:12:34,059 --> 01:12:35,185 But I-I didn't hit home. 1876 01:12:35,226 --> 01:12:37,020 I was at least two houses down. 1877 01:12:37,062 --> 01:12:39,481 Shy knew what you were saying. That's all that mattered. 1878 01:12:39,522 --> 01:12:40,774 -What did you say about Shy? -Reggie, 1879 01:12:40,815 --> 01:12:42,358 I thought I was doing what you told me to do. 1880 01:12:42,400 --> 01:12:44,694 -Please, just let me talk to Shy. -No. 1881 01:12:44,736 --> 01:12:46,112 I have to tell him this was a big misunderstanding. 1882 01:12:46,154 --> 01:12:48,114 -He doesn't want to talk to you. -Then you tell him. 1883 01:12:48,156 --> 01:12:49,991 Tell him you told me to go out there and do that. 1884 01:12:50,033 --> 01:12:51,326 I am not gonna do that. 1885 01:12:51,367 --> 01:12:54,537 -Why not? -Midge, Shy is my boy. 1886 01:12:54,579 --> 01:12:56,706 I'm supposed to protect him. 1887 01:12:56,748 --> 01:12:58,833 I'm not gonna tell him I sent some girl up there 1888 01:12:58,875 --> 01:13:01,836 to tell the world that he's... what he is. 1889 01:13:01,878 --> 01:13:04,339 -What is he?! -Please, they were jokes. 1890 01:13:04,380 --> 01:13:07,258 "Judy Garland shoes"? 1891 01:13:07,300 --> 01:13:09,344 Oh. 1892 01:13:09,385 --> 01:13:11,429 Oh... shit! 1893 01:13:11,471 --> 01:13:12,931 Reggie, this can't happen. 1894 01:13:12,972 --> 01:13:15,225 I mean, me and Shy, we're friends. 1895 01:13:15,266 --> 01:13:17,644 You are not friends. 1896 01:13:17,685 --> 01:13:21,731 You were on tour together, and now you're not. 1897 01:13:21,773 --> 01:13:24,984 -Susie. -Hey, Reggie, please. 1898 01:13:25,026 --> 01:13:26,861 This was obviously a big-ass breach here, 1899 01:13:26,903 --> 01:13:28,530 but there's gotta be something we can do. 1900 01:13:28,571 --> 01:13:30,198 Anything. I don't care what it is. 1901 01:13:30,240 --> 01:13:31,741 I mean, we'll cut our rate. 1902 01:13:31,783 --> 01:13:33,034 We'll do the Christmas show for nothing. 1903 01:13:33,076 --> 01:13:34,661 I will iron your fuckin' jockey shorts. 1904 01:13:34,702 --> 01:13:37,664 -Just please, please don't do this. -I'm sorry. 1905 01:13:37,705 --> 01:13:40,250 Fuck sorry. Come on! 1906 01:13:42,377 --> 01:13:45,004 Susie, you're gonna be 1907 01:13:45,046 --> 01:13:48,258 right where I am someday. 1908 01:13:48,299 --> 01:13:49,342 You'll see. 1909 01:13:49,384 --> 01:13:51,386 (airplane engines starting) 1910 01:13:59,811 --> 01:14:02,564 Susie? 1911 01:14:02,605 --> 01:14:04,566 (crying) 1912 01:14:04,607 --> 01:14:07,193 SUSIE: It's okay. 1913 01:14:07,235 --> 01:14:09,362 We're gonna be okay. 1914 01:14:09,404 --> 01:14:11,406 (Midge sobbing) 1915 01:14:18,496 --> 01:14:20,498 ♪ ♪ 1916 01:14:28,506 --> 01:14:31,801 ♪ As I walk through ♪ 1917 01:14:31,843 --> 01:14:35,346 ♪ This wicked world ♪ 1918 01:14:35,388 --> 01:14:37,557 ♪ Searchin' for light ♪ 1919 01:14:37,599 --> 01:14:42,228 ♪ In the darkness of insanity ♪ 1920 01:14:42,270 --> 01:14:45,523 ♪ I ask myself ♪ 1921 01:14:45,565 --> 01:14:49,027 ♪ Is all hope lost? ♪ 1922 01:14:49,068 --> 01:14:52,947 ♪ Is there only pain and hatred ♪ 1923 01:14:52,989 --> 01:14:56,034 ♪ And misery? ♪ 1924 01:14:56,075 --> 01:15:00,121 ♪ And each time I feel like this inside ♪ 1925 01:15:00,163 --> 01:15:03,625 ♪ There's one thing I wanna know ♪ 1926 01:15:03,666 --> 01:15:05,835 ♪ What's so funny 'bout peace, love ♪ 1927 01:15:05,877 --> 01:15:08,630 ♪ And understanding? ♪ 1928 01:15:08,671 --> 01:15:10,381 ♪ Oh-oh ♪ 1929 01:15:10,423 --> 01:15:12,634 ♪ What's so funny 'bout peace, love ♪ 1930 01:15:12,675 --> 01:15:15,803 ♪ And understanding? ♪ 1931 01:15:29,567 --> 01:15:32,612 ♪ And as I walked on ♪ 1932 01:15:32,654 --> 01:15:36,282 ♪ Through troubled times ♪ 1933 01:15:36,324 --> 01:15:40,245 ♪ My spirit gets so downhearted ♪ 1934 01:15:40,286 --> 01:15:43,206 ♪ Sometimes ♪ 1935 01:15:43,248 --> 01:15:46,459 ♪ So where are the strong? ♪ 1936 01:15:46,501 --> 01:15:50,046 ♪ And who are the trusted? ♪ 1937 01:15:50,088 --> 01:15:55,009 ♪ And where is the harmony? ♪ 1938 01:15:55,051 --> 01:15:57,011 ♪ Sweet harmony ♪ 1939 01:15:57,053 --> 01:16:01,015 ♪ 'Cause each time I feel it slippin' away ♪ 1940 01:16:01,057 --> 01:16:04,602 ♪ Just makes me wanna cry ♪ 1941 01:16:04,644 --> 01:16:06,896 ♪ What's so funny 'bout peace, love ♪ 1942 01:16:06,938 --> 01:16:09,607 ♪ And understanding? ♪ 1943 01:16:09,649 --> 01:16:11,401 ♪ Oh-oh ♪ 1944 01:16:11,442 --> 01:16:13,569 ♪ What's so funny 'bout peace, love ♪ 1945 01:16:13,611 --> 01:16:16,781 ♪ And understanding? ♪