1 00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:09,844 Mama? Esther's in a clean diaper and Ethan is fed. 2 00:00:09,885 --> 00:00:11,554 I'll be home around 5:00. 3 00:00:11,595 --> 00:00:13,556 -(thumping) -ABE: Oh, man. 4 00:00:13,597 --> 00:00:15,015 Mama? 5 00:00:15,057 --> 00:00:16,434 ROSE: Well, you're not pulling hard enough. 6 00:00:16,475 --> 00:00:17,977 ABE: Half on the floor, half on the carpet. 7 00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:20,396 -Lift, then, lift. -What happened here? 8 00:00:20,438 --> 00:00:22,940 Oh. Well, Zelda must've moved the beds together to clean 9 00:00:22,982 --> 00:00:24,316 and never pulled them apart. 10 00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:25,985 -I'll talk to her. -It's not like her. 11 00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:27,278 It's definitely not like her. 12 00:00:27,319 --> 00:00:28,487 ABE: Well, I'm off. 13 00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:30,281 His first big day at Bell Labs. 14 00:00:30,322 --> 00:00:31,741 Have fun, Papa. 15 00:00:31,782 --> 00:00:33,409 It's not about fun. It's about the future. 16 00:00:33,451 --> 00:00:35,369 And I'm going to take a shower, hmm. 17 00:00:35,411 --> 00:00:37,371 ABE: I'll be home the same time tonight, Rose. 18 00:00:37,413 --> 00:00:41,333 ROSE: Okay. Have a nice day. 19 00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:43,836 MIDGE: So, this morning, I witnessed the aftermath 20 00:00:43,878 --> 00:00:45,796 of my parents' sex night. 21 00:00:45,838 --> 00:00:49,675 I caught them pulling the twin beds back apart. 22 00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:51,343 And, you know, I heard that scraping noise 23 00:00:51,385 --> 00:00:52,928 in the middle of the night when I was a kid, 24 00:00:52,970 --> 00:00:54,722 and I was scared to death that it was a ghost. 25 00:00:54,764 --> 00:00:57,808 So, thanks for the memories, Mom and Dad. 26 00:00:57,850 --> 00:00:59,018 (laughter) 27 00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:00,895 I always thought it was a ghost, 28 00:01:00,936 --> 00:01:03,105 but now I know it was something much scarier: 29 00:01:03,147 --> 00:01:04,732 my parents' sex life. 30 00:01:04,774 --> 00:01:06,442 -(laughter) -Thanks a lot, Mom and Dad. 31 00:01:06,484 --> 00:01:11,530 But now I know it was something much scarier than a ghost. 32 00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:14,408 -It was my parents' sex life. -(laughter) 33 00:01:14,450 --> 00:01:16,702 No, for years, I'd-I'd embarrass myself at Halloween 34 00:01:16,744 --> 00:01:18,037 because the other kids would be making ghost noises 35 00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:21,040 like, "Ooh, ooh!" 36 00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:24,710 And I'd be going... (moaning) 37 00:01:24,752 --> 00:01:28,047 (laughter) 38 00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:32,593 Mommy, why is that man's pants lumpy? 39 00:01:32,635 --> 00:01:35,137 MIDGE: Question that really needs to be asked is 40 00:01:35,179 --> 00:01:38,891 why is my son looking at lumps in men's pants? 41 00:01:38,933 --> 00:01:40,810 A little boy is only three and a half feet tall, 42 00:01:40,851 --> 00:01:42,686 so all the time he's waiting for Mommy to answer, 43 00:01:42,728 --> 00:01:45,731 he's stuck there at lump level. 44 00:01:45,773 --> 00:01:47,900 Train stops, he's bumping up against the thing. 45 00:01:47,942 --> 00:01:49,568 -(audience groans) -Oh, a little boy 46 00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:51,320 bumping up against an erection crossed a line? 47 00:01:51,362 --> 00:01:52,738 Okay. 48 00:01:52,780 --> 00:01:55,241 -It was a test. You passed. -(laughter) 49 00:01:55,282 --> 00:01:57,034 Uncomfortable, right? 50 00:01:57,076 --> 00:01:59,078 But the good thing about kids is that when they ask a question, 51 00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:00,871 they don't really listen to the answer. 52 00:02:00,913 --> 00:02:02,832 So, when my son asks something uncomfortable like, 53 00:02:02,873 --> 00:02:05,334 "Why doesn't Daddy live here anymore?" 54 00:02:05,376 --> 00:02:09,088 I just say, "Yes. Howdy Doody is a real boy." 55 00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:11,215 (laughter) 56 00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:16,011 Thank you. Please come again. 57 00:02:16,053 --> 00:02:17,972 Good afternoon. How may I help you? 58 00:02:18,013 --> 00:02:21,016 Yes, I want something that'll make my wife look like... 59 00:02:21,058 --> 00:02:22,893 ...Elizabeth Taylor. 60 00:02:22,935 --> 00:02:25,104 So, I pointed him to the sunglass department. 61 00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:26,814 (scattered laughter) 62 00:02:26,856 --> 00:02:28,399 ...Elizabeth Taylor. 63 00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:31,193 And I wanted to say to him, "Sir, look in a mirror. 64 00:02:31,235 --> 00:02:33,487 "Would someone who looks like Elizabeth Taylor come home 65 00:02:33,529 --> 00:02:35,781 to someone who looks like you?" 66 00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:37,157 (laughter) 67 00:02:37,199 --> 00:02:38,701 ...Elizabeth Taylor. 68 00:02:38,742 --> 00:02:40,411 I wanted to say to him, "I hope she's out shopping 69 00:02:40,452 --> 00:02:42,997 for something that makes you look like Rock Hudson." 70 00:02:43,038 --> 00:02:45,916 ...Elizabeth Taylor. 71 00:02:45,958 --> 00:02:48,460 So, I asked for all the money in his wallet and said, 72 00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:49,837 "There. Now at least it'll feel like 73 00:02:49,879 --> 00:02:51,130 you're married to Elizabeth Taylor." 74 00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:53,591 (laughter) 75 00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:03,851 You have a tight ten. 76 00:03:03,893 --> 00:03:05,561 I mean, you are a woman with a tight ten. 77 00:03:05,603 --> 00:03:07,146 I'm getting cheesecake. 78 00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:08,355 People were peeing their pants tonight. 79 00:03:08,397 --> 00:03:09,815 We're gonna need to buy a new mop. 80 00:03:09,857 --> 00:03:11,817 Couldn't even hear myself over the laughs. 81 00:03:11,859 --> 00:03:13,277 I timed you tonight. 82 00:03:13,319 --> 00:03:15,112 With laughs, it came to just over 11 minutes. 83 00:03:15,154 --> 00:03:16,572 You have a tight 11. 84 00:03:16,614 --> 00:03:18,532 I'm a tenth of the way to my second tight ten. 85 00:03:18,574 --> 00:03:20,576 Most comics take years to work up those first ten minutes. 86 00:03:20,618 --> 00:03:21,660 You did it in months. 87 00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:22,786 Feels like years. 88 00:03:22,828 --> 00:03:24,997 You're really good. 89 00:03:25,039 --> 00:03:27,249 Ah, gee, thanks. 90 00:03:27,291 --> 00:03:29,168 No, Miriam, I mean... 91 00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:31,211 you're really good. 92 00:03:31,253 --> 00:03:34,423 Do not make me cry at the Stage Deli. 93 00:03:34,465 --> 00:03:36,800 -I don't want you to fucking cry. -You're starting to cry. 94 00:03:36,842 --> 00:03:38,344 -I'm not starting to cry. -You are, too, 95 00:03:38,385 --> 00:03:40,179 starting to cry and that's gonna make me cry. 96 00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:41,972 Shit, there's, like, water on my face. 97 00:03:42,014 --> 00:03:43,474 Those are tears. 98 00:03:43,515 --> 00:03:45,184 What does this look like? You got a mirror? 99 00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:47,728 You look kind of wet and out of focus, 100 00:03:47,770 --> 00:03:49,396 like-like a Doris Day picture. 101 00:03:49,438 --> 00:03:50,481 Christ. 102 00:03:50,522 --> 00:03:51,732 Give me a napkin. 103 00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:56,028 People are looking. 104 00:03:56,070 --> 00:03:57,446 Stop looking at me! 105 00:03:57,488 --> 00:03:59,198 -Susie. -Get back to your kippers! 106 00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:01,825 Let's just eat. They'll stop looking. 107 00:04:01,867 --> 00:04:03,786 -WOMAN: Check, please. -MAN: Check. 108 00:04:03,827 --> 00:04:05,704 So, you know what this means, right? 109 00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:07,247 No, what's it mean? 110 00:04:07,289 --> 00:04:08,916 It's time to leave the nest. 111 00:04:08,958 --> 00:04:10,584 You mean tour? I can't tour. 112 00:04:10,626 --> 00:04:12,753 Mm, you're not ready to tour-- I'm just talking about gigs 113 00:04:12,795 --> 00:04:14,922 at other clubs in the city, wherever I can book you. 114 00:04:14,964 --> 00:04:17,007 Different venues, different audiences-- it's the next step. 115 00:04:17,049 --> 00:04:19,093 Y-You got to leave the Gaslight sometime. 116 00:04:19,134 --> 00:04:21,011 But I like the Gaslight. 117 00:04:21,053 --> 00:04:23,806 -I know you do. -It feels like home. 118 00:04:23,847 --> 00:04:26,308 It'll still be there after we kick big-time comedy ass 119 00:04:26,350 --> 00:04:28,477 across all five boroughs. 120 00:04:28,519 --> 00:04:31,772 Okay. Let's kick some big-time comedy ass 121 00:04:31,814 --> 00:04:33,482 across all five boroughs. 122 00:04:33,524 --> 00:04:35,693 I'm making some calls tonight. 123 00:04:35,734 --> 00:04:37,403 And when I say five boroughs... 124 00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:39,196 I don't mean Staten Island or Queens. 125 00:04:39,238 --> 00:04:40,948 -Right. -Or the Bronx. 126 00:04:40,990 --> 00:04:42,741 Not so much Brooklyn. 127 00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:44,910 -Just Manhattan. -I got the gist. 128 00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:46,745 (band playing fanfare intro) 129 00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:49,873 Can I have a fry? 130 00:04:49,915 --> 00:04:52,418 ("God Bless America" playing) 131 00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:54,211 What a day, what a day! 132 00:04:54,253 --> 00:04:55,921 Shirley, was this not a great day? 133 00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:57,965 SHIRLEY (calls): It was a hell of a day. 134 00:04:58,007 --> 00:05:00,718 Joely, my boy, I want you to know I'm very proud of you. 135 00:05:00,759 --> 00:05:03,303 The way you stood up in front of all those people-- 136 00:05:03,345 --> 00:05:05,222 you didn't sweat, you didn't stumble. 137 00:05:05,264 --> 00:05:07,725 Every single person in the place was impressed. 138 00:05:07,766 --> 00:05:09,810 -Thanks, Pop. -You know, you get one chance 139 00:05:09,852 --> 00:05:12,813 to throw a bar mitzvah, so you got to get it right. 140 00:05:12,855 --> 00:05:15,482 And boy, oh, boy, did we get it right! 141 00:05:15,524 --> 00:05:17,943 How'd you like the size of that hall, huh? 142 00:05:17,985 --> 00:05:20,487 And the turnout-- 200 people RSVP, 143 00:05:20,529 --> 00:05:22,281 200 people show. 144 00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:23,949 This is a big day! 145 00:05:23,991 --> 00:05:25,743 It's a hell of a day! 146 00:05:25,784 --> 00:05:28,162 -SHIRLEY: Watch your mouth! -And a great leap forward 147 00:05:28,203 --> 00:05:29,663 for the family. 148 00:05:29,705 --> 00:05:32,249 My God, boy, just a few years ago 149 00:05:32,291 --> 00:05:34,918 the Maisels were lugging pushcarts in shtetls. 150 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:36,795 And look at us now-- 151 00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:39,214 on the verge of opening our first factory, 152 00:05:39,256 --> 00:05:42,301 hosting events that people clamor to come to-- 153 00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:44,511 important people! 154 00:05:44,553 --> 00:05:45,929 Go ahead. 155 00:05:45,971 --> 00:05:49,099 Tack the picture up on the headboard there. 156 00:05:49,141 --> 00:05:52,102 (chuckles): Did you see the looks on people's faces 157 00:05:52,144 --> 00:05:55,189 when I told them that your cousin, Sergeant Meyer Schultz, 158 00:05:55,230 --> 00:05:58,525 piloted the plane that struck that Jap battleship 159 00:05:58,567 --> 00:06:00,652 three days after Pearl Harbor?! 160 00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:02,654 Ah! They couldn't believe it. 161 00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:05,074 -He's a hero. -You bet he's a hero. 162 00:06:05,115 --> 00:06:07,868 And now, Joely, I'm gonna come clean with you, 163 00:06:07,910 --> 00:06:10,496 'cause you're 13 and you're a man now. 164 00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:12,247 He's not your cousin. 165 00:06:12,289 --> 00:06:14,291 -He's not? -No, he was our paperboy, 166 00:06:14,333 --> 00:06:16,335 and just this side of idiot. 167 00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:18,337 See, it's all part of the big picture-- 168 00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:21,090 the hall, the lavish buffet, the fake cousin. 169 00:06:21,131 --> 00:06:23,175 It's very important that you show people 170 00:06:23,217 --> 00:06:25,094 you're bigger and better than them. 171 00:06:25,135 --> 00:06:28,305 Because if they think it, then you'll be it. 172 00:06:28,347 --> 00:06:30,974 That's how you get ahead in the world, become a conqueror. 173 00:06:31,016 --> 00:06:32,893 -Yes, sir. -I want everyone to know 174 00:06:32,935 --> 00:06:34,895 that you, Joel Maisel, are a conqueror. 175 00:06:34,937 --> 00:06:37,272 And today, in that temple, in that banquet hall, 176 00:06:37,314 --> 00:06:39,233 they learned. 177 00:06:39,274 --> 00:06:41,902 And now... we got to pay for it. 178 00:06:41,944 --> 00:06:43,946 You understand? 179 00:06:45,489 --> 00:06:47,783 I could've just gone down the street, 180 00:06:47,825 --> 00:06:50,536 thrown your bar mitzvah in the room in the back 181 00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:52,621 of your uncle's bowling alley. 182 00:06:52,663 --> 00:06:54,665 We would've gotten it for free. 183 00:06:54,706 --> 00:06:56,917 Free's good. We like free. 184 00:06:56,959 --> 00:07:00,295 But then, everyone who came to that bowling alley, 185 00:07:00,337 --> 00:07:04,216 with its stench of beer and piss and lane oil, 186 00:07:04,258 --> 00:07:06,885 they would have known we got it for free, 187 00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:09,513 and that is not acceptable. 188 00:07:09,555 --> 00:07:11,807 No. Today these people walked in 189 00:07:11,849 --> 00:07:13,934 thinking their Saturday's been ruined 190 00:07:13,976 --> 00:07:16,353 by another stupid bar mitzvah, 191 00:07:16,395 --> 00:07:19,481 but they walked out thinking: The Maisels... 192 00:07:19,523 --> 00:07:22,734 are really going to be something. 193 00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:25,737 ♪ Sweet... ♪ 194 00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:28,490 ♪ Home... ♪ 195 00:07:28,532 --> 00:07:30,826 It's Mommy rooster. 196 00:07:30,868 --> 00:07:32,661 Rise and shine, Joely. 197 00:07:32,703 --> 00:07:34,496 It's 7:00 in the a.m. 198 00:07:34,538 --> 00:07:35,998 -Good morning, Ma. -Look at that. 199 00:07:36,039 --> 00:07:38,333 Another gorgeous sunshiny day. 200 00:07:38,375 --> 00:07:41,336 -You should ride your bike. -I don't ride bikes anymore, Ma. 201 00:07:41,378 --> 00:07:43,172 Wear a hat. You'll get a sunstroke. 202 00:07:43,213 --> 00:07:44,715 I'm not riding a bike, Ma. 203 00:07:44,756 --> 00:07:46,925 Oh, it's been so nice having my boychik home. 204 00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:48,927 Oh, I'll get your father's boxes out of here. 205 00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:51,221 -And the sewing machine, too. -It's just temporary. 206 00:07:51,263 --> 00:07:53,056 Sure, temporary, temporary. 207 00:07:53,098 --> 00:07:54,850 Ooh. I'm doing a load of whites. 208 00:07:54,892 --> 00:07:56,602 Give me everything you got. 209 00:07:56,643 --> 00:07:58,687 -All your poo-poo undies. -You don't have to. 210 00:07:58,729 --> 00:08:00,689 Is this a girl's suitcase? 211 00:08:00,731 --> 00:08:02,733 Ma, please. I need to get ready for work. 212 00:08:02,774 --> 00:08:05,569 Of course. I'll make you a plate of yummy eggs. 213 00:08:05,611 --> 00:08:06,904 Would you like that? 214 00:08:06,945 --> 00:08:08,864 Sure. Make me a plate of yummy eggs. 215 00:08:08,906 --> 00:08:10,574 Now, don't bother looking under the bed 216 00:08:10,616 --> 00:08:12,659 for the magazines you left when you moved out. 217 00:08:12,701 --> 00:08:14,661 I found them and threw them out. 218 00:08:14,703 --> 00:08:15,996 Bad boy. 219 00:08:16,038 --> 00:08:17,956 I don't want the magazines, Ma. 220 00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:20,083 Eggs'll be ready in a jiff. 221 00:08:20,125 --> 00:08:22,085 SHIRLEY: ♪ Mairzy doats and dozy doats ♪ 222 00:08:22,127 --> 00:08:24,004 ♪ And liddle lamzy divey ♪ 223 00:08:24,046 --> 00:08:26,632 ♪ A kiddley divey, too, wouldn't you? ♪ 224 00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:29,218 ♪ Yes, mairzy doats and dozy doats ♪ 225 00:08:29,259 --> 00:08:30,510 ♪ And liddle lamzy divey ♪ 226 00:08:30,552 --> 00:08:32,179 ♪ A kiddley divey, too ♪ 227 00:08:32,221 --> 00:08:33,889 ♪ Wouldn't you? ♪ 228 00:08:33,931 --> 00:08:36,183 BIG BAND & SINGERS: ♪ If the words sound queer ♪ 229 00:08:36,225 --> 00:08:37,893 ♪ And funny to your ear ♪ 230 00:08:37,935 --> 00:08:40,938 ♪ A little bit jumbled and jivey ♪ 231 00:08:40,979 --> 00:08:43,941 ♪ Sing, mares eat oats and does eat oats ♪ 232 00:08:43,982 --> 00:08:48,403 ♪ And little lambs eat ivy... ♪ 233 00:08:48,445 --> 00:08:49,947 East Coast is exactly where we want. 234 00:08:49,988 --> 00:08:52,616 But the West Coast operation is in disarray, and they say 235 00:08:52,658 --> 00:08:54,910 -it's all due to supply. -The chain is gridlocked, 236 00:08:54,952 --> 00:08:56,578 and it's not seasonal anymore, it's year-round. 237 00:08:56,620 --> 00:08:57,955 CURTIS: Dow Chemical's scrambling 238 00:08:57,996 --> 00:08:59,498 for supplies themselves-- phenolic resin, 239 00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:01,083 formaldehyde-- they can't get enough. 240 00:09:01,124 --> 00:09:04,294 Just pour some formaldehyde on a rag and hold it over my face. 241 00:09:04,336 --> 00:09:06,296 Their chief scientists say there are breakthroughs within sight, 242 00:09:06,338 --> 00:09:07,714 but that's all they'll say. 243 00:09:07,756 --> 00:09:09,383 "Within sight"? That's nice and vague. 244 00:09:09,424 --> 00:09:11,969 -Any suggestions? -LAWRENCE: There's nothing to do, boss, 245 00:09:12,010 --> 00:09:13,428 except get in line and wait our turn. 246 00:09:13,470 --> 00:09:15,347 And hope we don't go out of business first. 247 00:09:15,389 --> 00:09:17,307 Excuse me? 248 00:09:18,350 --> 00:09:20,060 We can't just wait. 249 00:09:20,102 --> 00:09:21,853 Everything'll come to a complete stop. 250 00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,730 What do you suggest, Maisel? 251 00:09:23,772 --> 00:09:26,191 Let's acquire the supply. 252 00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:27,818 What was that? 253 00:09:29,236 --> 00:09:31,488 We can't control our supply of chemicals 254 00:09:31,530 --> 00:09:33,490 if we can't control the supplier. 255 00:09:33,532 --> 00:09:35,784 So... let's become the supplier. 256 00:09:35,826 --> 00:09:38,245 And how would that work? We buy Union Carbide? 257 00:09:38,287 --> 00:09:40,580 -(man chuckles) -We start small, Curtis. 258 00:09:40,622 --> 00:09:42,416 We acquire a local lab. 259 00:09:42,457 --> 00:09:44,793 We dig through universities for talent. 260 00:09:44,835 --> 00:09:46,962 We got a few of those in New York. 261 00:09:47,004 --> 00:09:50,007 -A few. -We hire our own technicians, our own scientists. 262 00:09:50,048 --> 00:09:52,676 We build our own chain and become our own suppliers. 263 00:09:52,718 --> 00:09:54,303 They turn chemicals into plastic, 264 00:09:54,344 --> 00:09:56,638 and we turn plastic into toys and coasters. 265 00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:59,850 Hell, let's make the chemicals, too. 266 00:09:59,891 --> 00:10:03,729 Life magazine says conglomerates are the future. 267 00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:06,773 Francis, call Chase Manhattan. 268 00:10:06,815 --> 00:10:08,317 Let's take some baby steps. 269 00:10:08,358 --> 00:10:10,777 Set up a line of credit, see what's out there. 270 00:10:10,819 --> 00:10:13,196 And we need to call the West Coast, give 'em a heads-up. 271 00:10:13,238 --> 00:10:14,781 -Curtis, give 'em a buzz. -Will do, boss. 272 00:10:14,823 --> 00:10:16,366 We should send the CFO out there, too. 273 00:10:16,408 --> 00:10:17,993 As soon as possible. Now, what else, guys? 274 00:10:18,035 --> 00:10:19,578 MAN: Just a couple of personnel things. 275 00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:22,372 IMOGENE: Can you believe our babies are turning four? 276 00:10:22,414 --> 00:10:24,207 -They just turned three. -They'll be in school 277 00:10:24,249 --> 00:10:25,625 before you know it, then college, 278 00:10:25,667 --> 00:10:27,252 then marriage, they'll have babies, 279 00:10:27,294 --> 00:10:29,171 become grandparents-- we'll be dead by then. 280 00:10:29,212 --> 00:10:30,839 -Yay. -Sorry. 281 00:10:30,881 --> 00:10:32,966 Wait. You put marbles in here. I'm doing marbles. 282 00:10:33,008 --> 00:10:34,885 -I thought you were doing gum. -And you're putting 283 00:10:34,926 --> 00:10:36,636 Tiny Tina baby carriages in the boys' bags. 284 00:10:36,678 --> 00:10:38,972 Oh, I told you, we should get gender-specific bags. 285 00:10:39,014 --> 00:10:41,224 -Too much chatter. -Sorry, Papa. 286 00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:44,353 -And what is all this? -It's for Ethan's birthday party. 287 00:10:44,394 --> 00:10:46,980 -This is too much for him. -This is for the kids 288 00:10:47,022 --> 00:10:49,107 -who come to the party. -It's all their birthdays? 289 00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:51,443 -If everyone gets a gift, it'll keep the screaming down. -So, 290 00:10:51,485 --> 00:10:53,445 everyone gets a gift, everyone gets a compliment, 291 00:10:53,487 --> 00:10:55,739 everyone gets a hug-- you're not preparing 292 00:10:55,781 --> 00:10:58,116 -these kids for the real world. -Don't worry, 293 00:10:58,158 --> 00:11:00,118 we'll teach the kids how cruel the world is next year, 294 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:02,329 -when they're five. -Did you need something, Mr. Weissman? 295 00:11:02,371 --> 00:11:04,706 Yes. I need you to know that I can hear 296 00:11:04,748 --> 00:11:06,625 every word you're saying, and I'm grading papers. 297 00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:08,710 So please, Miriam, Dody... 298 00:11:08,752 --> 00:11:11,046 (quietly): try to keep it down. 299 00:11:11,088 --> 00:11:12,547 Okay. 300 00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:16,009 Why does he call me Dody? 301 00:11:16,051 --> 00:11:17,677 She was my friend growing up. 302 00:11:17,719 --> 00:11:20,305 It's sort of a catchall for whoever he sees me with. 303 00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:21,848 Wait, there's already gum in here. 304 00:11:21,890 --> 00:11:23,642 -I put it in there. -I'm doing gum. 305 00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:25,852 But I thought you were doing candy cigarettes. 306 00:11:25,894 --> 00:11:27,646 -Starting over. -(groans) 307 00:11:28,647 --> 00:11:30,023 (Imogene sighs) 308 00:11:30,065 --> 00:11:32,317 So, we should finalize the guest list. 309 00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:34,444 -It's the same as last year. -Is it? 310 00:11:34,486 --> 00:11:36,446 What's the confusion, Dody? 311 00:11:36,488 --> 00:11:37,614 Is Joel coming? 312 00:11:37,656 --> 00:11:38,824 Of course he's coming-- 313 00:11:38,865 --> 00:11:40,242 it's his son's birthday. 314 00:11:40,283 --> 00:11:41,785 Is he bringing her? 315 00:11:41,827 --> 00:11:43,870 Only if he wants to be beaten to death 316 00:11:43,912 --> 00:11:45,789 by, I don't know, everyone at the party. 317 00:11:45,831 --> 00:11:48,583 Okay. But we'd better figure out who knows what, compare stories. 318 00:11:48,625 --> 00:11:50,627 -Stories? -The stories you've each been telling people 319 00:11:50,669 --> 00:11:52,587 about your situation-- I've completely lost track. 320 00:11:52,629 --> 00:11:55,590 And I have no idea what you've been telling people. 321 00:11:55,632 --> 00:11:58,635 Every word, as if broadcast over a microphone. 322 00:11:58,677 --> 00:12:01,513 -We're almost done. -You keep starting over. 323 00:12:01,555 --> 00:12:02,889 She talked me out of gender-specific bags, 324 00:12:02,931 --> 00:12:05,225 -Mr. Weissman. -(exhales) 325 00:12:05,267 --> 00:12:08,186 Set up a line like Henry Ford. 326 00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:09,855 Keep the piles separate, 327 00:12:09,896 --> 00:12:11,940 then pass the bags from one to the other. 328 00:12:11,982 --> 00:12:13,900 Candy cigarettes, pass the bag, 329 00:12:13,942 --> 00:12:15,861 a Silly Putty, pass the bag, and so on. 330 00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:17,946 Thanks for the industrial education, Papa. 331 00:12:17,988 --> 00:12:19,948 And, young lady, I heard through the door 332 00:12:19,990 --> 00:12:22,159 that your name is not Dody-- what is your name? 333 00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:23,452 Imogene. 334 00:12:23,493 --> 00:12:25,912 I'm not gonna remember that. 335 00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:30,709 The Murphys-- do they know all? 336 00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:33,712 I'm not sure. I-I lied to some people at first, 337 00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:35,547 then started telling people that we were separated 338 00:12:35,589 --> 00:12:37,966 -but trying to work it out. -The Turners? 339 00:12:38,008 --> 00:12:40,719 Think that Joel is on a business trip in Poland. 340 00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:43,013 -The Rivingtons? -Know that you're separated 341 00:12:43,054 --> 00:12:45,098 and know that Joel moved out. Someone got to them before me. 342 00:12:45,140 --> 00:12:47,100 But they don't know that Joel's living with Penny. 343 00:12:47,142 --> 00:12:49,186 He's not living with Penny anymore. 344 00:12:49,227 --> 00:12:50,312 What? Since when? 345 00:12:50,353 --> 00:12:51,521 Joel's secretary called. 346 00:12:51,563 --> 00:12:52,939 Gave me a new home number for him. 347 00:12:52,981 --> 00:12:54,441 It was his parents'. 348 00:12:54,483 --> 00:12:55,442 What happened? 349 00:12:55,484 --> 00:12:56,693 I don't know. 350 00:12:56,735 --> 00:12:58,111 Wow. 351 00:12:58,153 --> 00:12:59,696 As the world turns. 352 00:12:59,738 --> 00:13:01,490 -Mm-hmm. -So, 353 00:13:01,531 --> 00:13:03,742 who else? Uh, the Gertzs. 354 00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:06,578 MIDGE: Think that Joel is on a very long business trip 355 00:13:06,620 --> 00:13:08,914 -but suspect more. -The Salings? 356 00:13:08,955 --> 00:13:10,832 MIDGE: Think that we are renovating the apartment 357 00:13:10,874 --> 00:13:13,168 and that Joel is traveling for work. 358 00:13:13,210 --> 00:13:15,629 -(indistinct chatter) -(commentator speaking on radio) 359 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,469 Mm. 360 00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:28,099 What the hell? 361 00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:29,768 Harry, good. Can we talk? 362 00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:31,186 Oh, Susie. Sure. 363 00:13:31,228 --> 00:13:33,021 Hey, uh, guys, can you give us the room? 364 00:13:33,063 --> 00:13:34,856 -Susie needs to talk to me. -(chuckling) 365 00:13:34,898 --> 00:13:36,316 You don't have to clear the room. 366 00:13:36,358 --> 00:13:37,984 I'm not gonna clear the goddamn room. 367 00:13:38,026 --> 00:13:39,653 Jesus Christ, Susie, get a phone. 368 00:13:39,694 --> 00:13:42,239 -I have a phone. -Well, use it. 369 00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:44,157 But face-to-face is better. That's what you always said. 370 00:13:44,199 --> 00:13:45,158 Don't listen to me. 371 00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:46,743 Oh, so smooth. 372 00:13:46,785 --> 00:13:48,912 It's like a baby's bottom. (inhales) 373 00:13:48,954 --> 00:13:50,330 And so fragrant. 374 00:13:50,372 --> 00:13:52,249 Okay, okay. 375 00:13:52,290 --> 00:13:54,084 Tell me why you're here. 376 00:13:54,125 --> 00:13:56,002 The comic I told you about, the one I'm representing. 377 00:13:56,044 --> 00:13:57,754 -The girl? -Yeah, the girl. 378 00:13:57,796 --> 00:14:00,173 She's been killing at the Gaslight, night after night. 379 00:14:00,215 --> 00:14:01,174 What's her name again? 380 00:14:01,216 --> 00:14:02,676 It's Amanda Gleason. 381 00:14:02,717 --> 00:14:03,802 Shit name. 382 00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:05,637 Fake name but a great comic. 383 00:14:05,679 --> 00:14:07,973 She'd be the perfect opening act for Sophie Lennon. 384 00:14:08,014 --> 00:14:11,142 -Get out of here. Sophie's one of my biggest clients. -I know. 385 00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:13,395 Where do you come off, asking for something like this? 386 00:14:13,436 --> 00:14:16,273 -I'm not talking about opening for her at the Copa. -Then what? 387 00:14:16,314 --> 00:14:17,774 Sophie plays those joints in Jersey 388 00:14:17,816 --> 00:14:19,109 when she's working up a new act. 389 00:14:19,150 --> 00:14:20,944 Those little dives, unannounced. 390 00:14:20,986 --> 00:14:22,779 Let my girl open for her there. 391 00:14:22,821 --> 00:14:24,030 -Really? -Yeah. 392 00:14:24,072 --> 00:14:25,365 That's a shit gig. 393 00:14:25,407 --> 00:14:26,783 It's a terrible gig. 394 00:14:26,825 --> 00:14:28,326 The audience is there for Sophie. 395 00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:30,662 -The opener gets eaten alive. -We're game. 396 00:14:30,704 --> 00:14:32,914 Slot went to Markie Diamond once. You hear of him? 397 00:14:32,956 --> 00:14:34,499 -No. -And to Adam Young once. 398 00:14:34,541 --> 00:14:35,792 -You hear of him? -No. 399 00:14:35,834 --> 00:14:37,210 Danny LeMonde? Scoop LeMonde? 400 00:14:37,252 --> 00:14:38,920 -Brothers? -They're in plumbing now. 401 00:14:38,962 --> 00:14:41,590 -I get the point. -She'd be a sacrificial lamb. 402 00:14:41,631 --> 00:14:44,342 Then cut her up into chops and serve her with mint sauce. 403 00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:45,594 I want this for her. 404 00:14:45,635 --> 00:14:47,345 I'd need to see her first. 405 00:14:47,387 --> 00:14:48,763 She's got a tight ten. 406 00:14:48,805 --> 00:14:50,473 I can set you up any night you like. 407 00:14:50,515 --> 00:14:52,475 -I'm not going to the Gaslight. -Why not? 408 00:14:52,517 --> 00:14:53,893 I don't go downtown anymore. 409 00:14:53,935 --> 00:14:55,895 You cut your teeth haunting dives downtown. 410 00:14:55,937 --> 00:14:57,147 I got nice suits now. 411 00:14:57,188 --> 00:14:58,773 Why you wearing this one? 412 00:14:58,815 --> 00:15:01,234 The Stork Club is as south as I want to go. 413 00:15:01,276 --> 00:15:02,485 She'll perform anywhere you want, 414 00:15:02,527 --> 00:15:04,195 but the Gaslight's her home. 415 00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:05,780 (sighs) 416 00:15:05,822 --> 00:15:07,907 It's a really shit gig. 417 00:15:07,949 --> 00:15:08,908 (chuckles softly) 418 00:15:08,950 --> 00:15:10,327 She's gonna bomb. 419 00:15:10,368 --> 00:15:11,494 (applause) 420 00:15:11,536 --> 00:15:13,955 SOPHIE: Put that on your plate! 421 00:15:13,997 --> 00:15:16,541 Yeah, I'm from Queens, 422 00:15:16,583 --> 00:15:18,209 born and raised. 423 00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:21,046 Queens is the place you go to get to the airport... 424 00:15:21,087 --> 00:15:23,423 -to get the hell out of Queens. -(laughter) 425 00:15:23,465 --> 00:15:26,259 (laughs) Put that on your plate. Ugh. 426 00:15:26,301 --> 00:15:29,095 In Queens, we got a neighborhood called Flushing, 427 00:15:29,137 --> 00:15:31,765 which isn't a name so much as a suggestion 428 00:15:31,806 --> 00:15:33,850 for what to do with the place. 429 00:15:33,892 --> 00:15:37,395 -(laughter) -Put that on your plate! 430 00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:40,398 (chuckles) You know, sometimes when I'm on the telephone 431 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:42,942 and I say my name, Sophie Lennon, 432 00:15:42,984 --> 00:15:46,696 -people think they hear "Sophia Loren." Mm. -(awwing) 433 00:15:46,738 --> 00:15:49,532 Funny, nobody ever makes that mistake in person. 434 00:15:49,574 --> 00:15:50,784 (laughter) 435 00:15:50,825 --> 00:15:53,203 You hear those laughs? 436 00:15:53,244 --> 00:15:54,788 They're big laughs. 437 00:15:54,829 --> 00:15:56,706 Are you sure my stuff is funny enough for Harry? 438 00:15:56,748 --> 00:15:59,042 Positive. Why? Aren't you sure? 439 00:15:59,084 --> 00:16:01,294 -I'm pretty sure. -Pretty sure? 440 00:16:01,336 --> 00:16:04,381 I went out on a limb for you here, sister, so be damn sure. 441 00:16:04,422 --> 00:16:06,383 I'm... damn sure, okay? 442 00:16:06,424 --> 00:16:09,052 I mean, really. 443 00:16:09,094 --> 00:16:11,221 Yeah, I like to eat! 444 00:16:11,262 --> 00:16:14,140 I'm so fat... 445 00:16:14,182 --> 00:16:15,809 ALL: How fat are you? 446 00:16:15,850 --> 00:16:19,145 I'm so fat that I used to look Rubenesque, 447 00:16:19,187 --> 00:16:22,524 and now I just look like a Reuben sandwich. 448 00:16:22,565 --> 00:16:24,526 (laughter) 449 00:16:24,567 --> 00:16:27,529 I grew up listening to this woman on the radio. 450 00:16:27,570 --> 00:16:29,864 -Me, too. -Even my dad laughed at her. 451 00:16:29,906 --> 00:16:31,449 He tried not to, but he did. 452 00:16:31,491 --> 00:16:34,119 She got a lot of us through the Depression. 453 00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:35,787 How old are you? 454 00:16:35,829 --> 00:16:37,956 I'm not telling you. 455 00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:39,791 I can't even go to the beach anymore. 456 00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:41,626 Last time I was at the beach, 457 00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:44,713 some marine biology students started poking me with a stick, 458 00:16:44,754 --> 00:16:46,548 looking for my blowhole! 459 00:16:46,589 --> 00:16:47,799 (laughter) 460 00:16:47,841 --> 00:16:49,884 I walked by a construction site, 461 00:16:49,926 --> 00:16:52,971 and the workers start whistling at each other! 462 00:16:53,012 --> 00:16:54,305 (laughter) 463 00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:56,224 Should I talk about my husbands? 464 00:16:56,266 --> 00:16:57,934 (cheering and applause) 465 00:16:57,976 --> 00:17:00,186 All right then. You asked for it. 466 00:17:00,228 --> 00:17:03,523 Oh, my first husband and me, we didn't get along too good. 467 00:17:03,565 --> 00:17:05,525 He was too proper. 468 00:17:05,567 --> 00:17:07,694 He spoke the Queen's English, 469 00:17:07,736 --> 00:17:11,281 whereas I spoke Queens' English. 470 00:17:11,322 --> 00:17:12,532 Bop! 471 00:17:12,574 --> 00:17:13,783 (laughter) 472 00:17:13,825 --> 00:17:16,202 (cheering and applause) 473 00:17:17,662 --> 00:17:21,249 Oh! Put that on your plate! 474 00:17:26,004 --> 00:17:27,964 SOPHIE: Here you go. 475 00:17:28,006 --> 00:17:29,716 (chuckles) What's your name, sweetie? 476 00:17:29,758 --> 00:17:31,217 Linda. I'm from Queens, too. 477 00:17:31,259 --> 00:17:34,053 Oh, Linda, you have my deepest sympathies. 478 00:17:34,095 --> 00:17:35,889 -(chuckles) -(laughs) There you go. 479 00:17:35,930 --> 00:17:38,391 -Hello, my loves. -WOMAN: I'm an enormous fan. 480 00:17:38,433 --> 00:17:41,144 -How 'bout that? I'm an enormous comedian. -Harry. 481 00:17:41,186 --> 00:17:43,396 SOPHIE (laughs): There you go, honey. 482 00:17:43,438 --> 00:17:44,814 -Enjoy. -Hello, Susie. 483 00:17:44,856 --> 00:17:46,983 Oh, thanks for putting on your fancy duds. 484 00:17:47,025 --> 00:17:49,152 Shows a lot of respect for the occasion here. 485 00:17:49,194 --> 00:17:50,987 Listen, I know it's late and you have a catheter 486 00:17:51,029 --> 00:17:53,406 that needs changing, so let me introduce you to my girl. 487 00:17:53,448 --> 00:17:54,657 -This is... -Amanda Gleason. 488 00:17:54,699 --> 00:17:56,409 -Amanda Gleason. -Nice to meet you. 489 00:17:56,451 --> 00:17:58,411 -You like the show? -I loved it. 490 00:17:58,453 --> 00:18:00,330 She's hysterical. She's timeless. 491 00:18:00,371 --> 00:18:01,831 She's the best in the biz. 492 00:18:01,873 --> 00:18:04,042 Let me introduce you. Sophie. 493 00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:05,543 -Yeah. -Excuse me. 494 00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:08,630 Oh, hey, don't worry. I'll be back. 495 00:18:08,671 --> 00:18:11,841 Sophie, this is Susie Myerson and Amanda Gleason. 496 00:18:11,883 --> 00:18:13,676 Amanda may be opening for you 497 00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:15,470 -in Jersey. -Nice to meet you. 498 00:18:15,512 --> 00:18:17,347 -Ah, Sophie don't shake hands. -Oh. 499 00:18:17,388 --> 00:18:20,016 -Sophie shakes bodies. Come here, you. -Oh. Oh. (laughing) 500 00:18:20,058 --> 00:18:22,435 (laughs) Harry, make sure 501 00:18:22,477 --> 00:18:24,479 you cheat toward this adorable young thing. 502 00:18:24,521 --> 00:18:26,397 -MIDGE: Oh. (chuckles) -I will. 503 00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:29,067 -So, you're gonna be the appetizer, huh? -I'm hoping. 504 00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:30,902 Well, it's a tough gig. They tell you that? 505 00:18:30,944 --> 00:18:33,321 -They did. I'm game. -Good for you. 506 00:18:33,363 --> 00:18:35,073 Why don't you come over to my house this week. 507 00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:37,075 I like to get to know my acolytes. 508 00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:38,326 I'm at your disposal. 509 00:18:38,368 --> 00:18:40,328 Harry, set it up. 510 00:18:40,370 --> 00:18:42,622 Look at those beauty-ful people. 511 00:18:42,664 --> 00:18:45,458 So long, all! 512 00:18:45,500 --> 00:18:47,252 Come here, my darlings. 513 00:18:47,293 --> 00:18:48,670 Susie, I'll be in touch. 514 00:18:48,711 --> 00:18:50,672 -Thanks, Harry. -Okay. 515 00:18:50,713 --> 00:18:52,340 (both chuckle) 516 00:18:52,382 --> 00:18:54,300 SOPHIE: Oh! Where'd you get that hat? 517 00:18:56,719 --> 00:18:59,514 There's still lumps in there, Zelda. They all have to go. 518 00:18:59,556 --> 00:19:01,599 -Yes, ma'am. -It's not just about what he can chew. 519 00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:04,602 -Every lump is a choking hazard. -Who's at risk of choking? 520 00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:07,021 Your father's bringing Mordecai Glickman home for dinner. 521 00:19:07,063 --> 00:19:09,941 Professor Glickman? He was an old man when I was a kid. 522 00:19:09,983 --> 00:19:12,360 -He still is. -He had no liver when I was a kid. 523 00:19:12,402 --> 00:19:14,195 He still doesn't. 524 00:19:14,237 --> 00:19:16,114 -Too firm. Lose the peaches. -Yes, ma'am. 525 00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:18,366 You're eating with us? Please say you're eating with us. 526 00:19:18,408 --> 00:19:20,952 -I was planning on it. -Your father especially wanted you 527 00:19:20,994 --> 00:19:22,620 to eat with us. 528 00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:24,622 -Too stringy. Lose the yams. -Yes, ma'am. 529 00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:26,708 Grab some bowls. They'll want to eat as soon as they come in, 530 00:19:26,749 --> 00:19:28,877 before Mordecai falls asleep. 531 00:19:28,918 --> 00:19:31,379 (sighs) 532 00:19:31,421 --> 00:19:32,839 So, remember, 533 00:19:32,881 --> 00:19:35,174 he's got 90% hearing loss in his left ear, 534 00:19:35,216 --> 00:19:37,343 and his right ear is completely deaf. 535 00:19:37,385 --> 00:19:40,179 -So yell into his left ear. -And sometimes he sees stars 536 00:19:40,221 --> 00:19:42,015 in front of his eyes and he'll comment on them. 537 00:19:42,056 --> 00:19:43,683 He'll say, "Look at all the pretty stars, everyone." 538 00:19:43,725 --> 00:19:45,852 -Just go along. -We're all seeing pretty stars. 539 00:19:45,894 --> 00:19:48,438 -Mm. -Is it okay if I seat Professor Glickman here, ma'am? 540 00:19:48,479 --> 00:19:50,773 Oh, he shouldn't sit there. If he falls, he'll hit his head 541 00:19:50,815 --> 00:19:52,609 -on the mirror. -But if he falls over there, 542 00:19:52,650 --> 00:19:54,611 -he'll hit his head on the drink cart. -(sighs) 543 00:19:54,652 --> 00:19:57,113 I should have had Abe tell me which way he was tilting today. 544 00:19:57,155 --> 00:19:58,364 Have some pillows handy. 545 00:19:58,406 --> 00:20:00,450 -(door opens) -ABE: Hello! 546 00:20:00,491 --> 00:20:02,493 We're here! 547 00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:06,164 Abe? 548 00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:08,833 Rose, this is David Blumenthal. 549 00:20:08,875 --> 00:20:10,835 David, this is my wife, Rose. 550 00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:12,337 Nice to meet you, Mrs. Weissman. 551 00:20:12,378 --> 00:20:14,672 -Likewise. -And this is my daughter, 552 00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:17,383 -Miriam. -Very nice to meet you, Miriam. 553 00:20:17,425 --> 00:20:19,928 Nice to meet you, too, Mr. Blumenthal. 554 00:20:19,969 --> 00:20:21,179 Please, call me David. 555 00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:23,514 David. 556 00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:25,934 Zelda, why don't you take Mr. Blumenthal's coat. 557 00:20:25,975 --> 00:20:26,976 Yes, ma'am. 558 00:20:28,603 --> 00:20:30,563 (quietly): This is not Professor Glickman. 559 00:20:30,605 --> 00:20:32,023 -Of course it isn't. -I thought 560 00:20:32,065 --> 00:20:33,733 you were bringing home Professor Glickman. 561 00:20:33,775 --> 00:20:35,652 I said "a colleague," not "Professor Glickman." 562 00:20:35,693 --> 00:20:37,320 David, please join us in the living room. 563 00:20:37,362 --> 00:20:39,155 We can chat a bit before dinner. 564 00:20:39,197 --> 00:20:41,908 Mmm, this looks... 565 00:20:41,950 --> 00:20:43,159 charmingly eclectic. 566 00:20:43,201 --> 00:20:44,661 Is this dinner, Rose? 567 00:20:44,702 --> 00:20:46,412 It's dinner for Mordecai Glickman. 568 00:20:46,454 --> 00:20:48,831 I wasn't aware you were bringing home someone with teeth. 569 00:20:48,873 --> 00:20:51,000 -(chuckles) -(chuckles) Well, David, 570 00:20:51,042 --> 00:20:52,251 would you like a drink? 571 00:20:52,293 --> 00:20:54,671 We have... peppermint schnapps. 572 00:20:54,712 --> 00:20:57,090 Rose, why is there just peppermint schnapps? 573 00:20:57,131 --> 00:20:58,716 It's what Professor Glickman drinks. 574 00:20:58,758 --> 00:21:00,343 I have scotch somewhere. 575 00:21:00,385 --> 00:21:02,512 I'm fine, thank you. I don't need a drink. 576 00:21:02,553 --> 00:21:05,014 I hope you like applesauce and peach slices, Mr. Blumenthal. 577 00:21:05,056 --> 00:21:07,058 -I like whatever you're serving. -Good, because that's what 578 00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:09,978 we're serving: applesauce and peach slices and mashed potatoes 579 00:21:10,019 --> 00:21:12,397 and consommé and hard-boiled eggs and pureed cauliflower 580 00:21:12,438 --> 00:21:13,940 and pudding for dessert. 581 00:21:13,982 --> 00:21:15,358 Your teeth will wonder what they're there for. 582 00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,360 Miriam, will you help me in the kitchen, please? 583 00:21:17,402 --> 00:21:19,028 Mm. 584 00:21:19,070 --> 00:21:21,739 Excuse me. 585 00:21:23,366 --> 00:21:26,828 So, David, which part of Westchester are you from? 586 00:21:28,121 --> 00:21:29,956 What do we have that's real food? 587 00:21:29,998 --> 00:21:32,041 -I have steaks, but they're frozen. -This is a nightmare. 588 00:21:32,083 --> 00:21:33,710 -The nerve of him. -The nerve of him. 589 00:21:33,751 --> 00:21:35,211 You said he was bringing home Professor Glickman. 590 00:21:35,253 --> 00:21:36,546 I said he was bringing home a colleague, 591 00:21:36,587 --> 00:21:38,131 and it's always Professor Glickman. 592 00:21:38,172 --> 00:21:39,799 -Is this a set-up? -Of course it's a set-up. 593 00:21:39,841 --> 00:21:41,801 Why is he doing this? Why is he trying to set me up 594 00:21:41,843 --> 00:21:44,053 -with some guy? -Your father's nothing but a common souteneur. 595 00:21:44,095 --> 00:21:46,055 -A what? -A pimp. Your father's a pimp. 596 00:21:46,097 --> 00:21:48,725 -He's not a pimp. -He's trying to breed you, like a prize mare. 597 00:21:48,766 --> 00:21:50,476 Just the presumption of what he's doing. 598 00:21:50,518 --> 00:21:52,562 -I'm so mad. -And this man is not even attractive. 599 00:21:52,603 --> 00:21:54,147 Well, he's not unattractive. 600 00:21:54,188 --> 00:21:55,732 Oh, Miriam, you are not going out with this man. 601 00:21:55,773 --> 00:21:57,191 Of course I'm not going out with this man. 602 00:21:57,233 --> 00:21:58,735 But you said he was attractive. 603 00:21:58,776 --> 00:21:59,944 -(arguing continues) -I had a car for a while. 604 00:21:59,986 --> 00:22:01,446 A '55 Bel Air. 605 00:22:01,487 --> 00:22:03,197 But the upkeep was enormous, 606 00:22:03,239 --> 00:22:05,616 and parking in the city's murder, so... 607 00:22:05,658 --> 00:22:08,119 Yes, well, parking and upkeep is... 608 00:22:08,161 --> 00:22:10,705 -ROSE: So you would encourage your father to be a pimp? -Look, 609 00:22:10,747 --> 00:22:11,914 he's a lot of things, but I don't think 610 00:22:11,956 --> 00:22:13,166 it's fair to call him a pimp. 611 00:22:13,207 --> 00:22:14,167 ROSE: Well, he's being a pimp. 612 00:22:14,208 --> 00:22:16,169 Upkeep is pretty onerous. 613 00:22:16,210 --> 00:22:18,504 David, will you excuse me a moment? 614 00:22:18,546 --> 00:22:20,631 The girls sound a little... excited. 615 00:22:20,673 --> 00:22:22,175 -Of course. -ROSE: So it's my fault? 616 00:22:22,216 --> 00:22:24,510 MIDGE: I should have eaten at the Automat tonight. 617 00:22:24,552 --> 00:22:27,513 -That's what I think. -Miriam, stop it. -What is going on? 618 00:22:27,555 --> 00:22:29,891 -We can hear every word you're saying. -Abe Weissman, 619 00:22:29,932 --> 00:22:32,268 what made you think you could just bring a man home like this? 620 00:22:32,310 --> 00:22:34,729 He's a colleague. I bring colleagues home for dinner. 621 00:22:34,771 --> 00:22:36,564 -He's not just a colleague. -You brought him home 622 00:22:36,606 --> 00:22:38,983 -to set him up with Miriam. -I did no such thing. 623 00:22:39,025 --> 00:22:42,195 -Come on. -David Blumenthal is a colleague at my school. 624 00:22:42,236 --> 00:22:44,030 -Is he a bachelor? -I think so. 625 00:22:44,072 --> 00:22:46,783 -Oh, Abe! -What, I can only bring home married colleagues? 626 00:22:46,824 --> 00:22:48,534 -Mm. -Come on, you never bring anyone home, 627 00:22:48,576 --> 00:22:50,787 and tonight you show up with this attractive young guy? 628 00:22:50,828 --> 00:22:52,872 -Semi-attractive. -He's not unattractive. 629 00:22:52,914 --> 00:22:55,291 -Which side are you on here? -His looks have nothing to do 630 00:22:55,333 --> 00:22:58,294 with this. Now, please, can we get dinner on the table? 631 00:22:58,336 --> 00:22:59,378 Dinner's a disaster. 632 00:22:59,420 --> 00:23:01,380 He says he's not picky. 633 00:23:01,422 --> 00:23:03,966 Oh, and Mordecai Glickman is no longer with us. 634 00:23:04,008 --> 00:23:06,969 -Since when? -Since we went to his funeral four years ago. 635 00:23:07,011 --> 00:23:08,137 That's right. It was the liveliest 636 00:23:08,179 --> 00:23:09,472 I'd seen Mordecai in years. 637 00:23:09,514 --> 00:23:11,516 Dinner, please. 638 00:23:12,850 --> 00:23:14,644 You think he's telling the truth? 639 00:23:14,685 --> 00:23:17,105 I don't know anything anymore. 640 00:23:19,107 --> 00:23:20,983 (Midge sighs) 641 00:23:21,025 --> 00:23:22,401 Thursday is soft foods night 642 00:23:22,443 --> 00:23:23,986 here at the Weissman home, David. 643 00:23:24,028 --> 00:23:25,071 I hope you don't mind. 644 00:23:25,113 --> 00:23:26,572 I'm anything but picky, Abe. 645 00:23:26,614 --> 00:23:29,325 -(chuckles) -Please, everybody, sit. 646 00:23:29,367 --> 00:23:31,369 (clears throat) 647 00:23:37,542 --> 00:23:41,379 So, David here is a divorce lawyer. 648 00:23:45,091 --> 00:23:48,344 David, can I dish you up some peach slices? 649 00:23:48,386 --> 00:23:50,721 -You said he was a colleague. -I do teach law part-time. 650 00:23:50,763 --> 00:23:52,932 -Shut up, David. -She needs an attorney. 651 00:23:52,974 --> 00:23:54,517 -She does not need an attorney. -Maybe I should go. 652 00:23:54,559 --> 00:23:56,352 Papa, this was not the time or the place. 653 00:23:56,394 --> 00:23:58,104 Mr. Blumenthal, I'm afraid my husband brought you here 654 00:23:58,146 --> 00:23:59,438 under false pretenses. 655 00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:01,566 An informative colloquy can't hurt. 656 00:24:01,607 --> 00:24:02,775 I can just leave my card with you. 657 00:24:02,817 --> 00:24:03,901 She doesn't need your card. 658 00:24:03,943 --> 00:24:04,902 Papa, can we... 659 00:24:04,944 --> 00:24:06,445 colloquy in your study, please? 660 00:24:06,487 --> 00:24:07,446 The food will get cold. 661 00:24:07,488 --> 00:24:08,698 It's already cold. 662 00:24:08,739 --> 00:24:10,741 -David, excuse us. -I understand. 663 00:24:10,783 --> 00:24:12,577 No, there's nothing for you to understand, Mr. Blumenthal. 664 00:24:12,618 --> 00:24:13,661 -Mm-mm. -Rose, 665 00:24:13,703 --> 00:24:15,454 please, my study. 666 00:24:19,458 --> 00:24:22,587 Don't you dare pull paperwork out of that briefcase of yours. 667 00:24:24,589 --> 00:24:27,717 Papa, you should have told me you were doing this. 668 00:24:27,758 --> 00:24:31,053 We should not be in denial about what's happening here. 669 00:24:31,095 --> 00:24:32,638 Who are you to say that? 670 00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:34,307 -I'm her father. -For now. 671 00:24:34,348 --> 00:24:36,058 What does that even mean? 672 00:24:36,100 --> 00:24:38,561 And why would you think I would bring someone home 673 00:24:38,603 --> 00:24:40,855 -to set you up with? -Because you're a common souteneur. 674 00:24:40,897 --> 00:24:43,232 -A what? -A pimp. Papa, you're a pimp. 675 00:24:43,274 --> 00:24:44,901 I beg your pardon. 676 00:24:44,942 --> 00:24:46,652 -Sounds better in French. -I wouldn't set you up 677 00:24:46,694 --> 00:24:48,362 with anyone. I don't even know your type. 678 00:24:48,404 --> 00:24:51,115 -Joel's her type. -Miriam doesn't have a type. 679 00:24:51,157 --> 00:24:52,783 My God, before Joel, 680 00:24:52,825 --> 00:24:54,869 you were with that ultra white Palmer Witherspoon. 681 00:24:54,911 --> 00:24:56,579 Oh, that name you remember? 682 00:24:56,621 --> 00:24:58,539 He was like a pole-vaulter from Triumph of the Will. 683 00:24:58,581 --> 00:25:01,667 Papa, this is my concern, not yours. 684 00:25:01,709 --> 00:25:03,211 You're my daughter. 685 00:25:03,252 --> 00:25:04,712 Your concerns are my concerns. 686 00:25:04,754 --> 00:25:06,923 Miriam and Joel are not divorcing. 687 00:25:06,964 --> 00:25:10,760 Rose, we need to talk about this. 688 00:25:10,801 --> 00:25:13,679 They live apart. She has a job. 689 00:25:13,721 --> 00:25:15,389 He moved in with that girl. 690 00:25:15,431 --> 00:25:18,559 No one at Ethan's party has been told the same thing. 691 00:25:18,601 --> 00:25:21,270 It'll be 20 adults all sitting six feet apart 692 00:25:21,312 --> 00:25:23,022 so they can't compare stories 693 00:25:23,064 --> 00:25:26,192 with Dody running interference. 694 00:25:26,234 --> 00:25:27,860 (sighs) 695 00:25:27,902 --> 00:25:29,862 Things need to move on. 696 00:25:29,904 --> 00:25:31,989 Miriam needs to be settled. 697 00:25:32,031 --> 00:25:35,534 And that means they need to divorce. 698 00:25:35,576 --> 00:25:37,411 I don't want to talk about this anymore. 699 00:25:37,453 --> 00:25:39,747 Now I'm gonna go to the kitchen and grab some celery 700 00:25:39,789 --> 00:25:42,208 because we all need something fibrous to eat. 701 00:25:44,210 --> 00:25:46,837 (door closes) 702 00:25:46,879 --> 00:25:49,131 Her name's Imogene. 703 00:25:56,847 --> 00:25:58,849 ♪ ♪ 704 00:26:05,064 --> 00:26:08,109 ♪ Now... ♪ 705 00:26:08,150 --> 00:26:11,654 ♪ You say you're lonely ♪ 706 00:26:13,322 --> 00:26:17,159 ♪ You cry the long night through ♪ 707 00:26:17,201 --> 00:26:19,203 I guess it's time. 708 00:26:19,245 --> 00:26:22,915 ♪ Well, you can cry me a river ♪ 709 00:26:24,583 --> 00:26:28,754 ♪ Cry me a river ♪ 710 00:26:28,796 --> 00:26:31,966 ♪ I cried a river ♪ 711 00:26:32,008 --> 00:26:34,260 ♪ Over you. ♪ 712 00:26:36,679 --> 00:26:38,889 Rose. 713 00:26:38,931 --> 00:26:40,850 (sighs) Rose. 714 00:26:40,891 --> 00:26:42,268 Privacy, please. 715 00:26:42,310 --> 00:26:43,686 We need to talk. 716 00:26:43,728 --> 00:26:45,646 You bring that man home. 717 00:26:45,688 --> 00:26:47,440 A lawyer. 718 00:26:47,481 --> 00:26:49,692 I could strangle you. 719 00:26:49,734 --> 00:26:51,235 I want to tell you something. 720 00:26:51,277 --> 00:26:53,571 Well, tell it to your colleague. 721 00:26:53,612 --> 00:26:56,532 You need to know-- Rose! 722 00:27:01,370 --> 00:27:03,789 You need to know about Miriam and Joel. 723 00:27:03,831 --> 00:27:05,833 What about them? 724 00:27:05,875 --> 00:27:10,129 Joel is not going to come back. 725 00:27:10,171 --> 00:27:11,547 How do you know? 726 00:27:11,589 --> 00:27:15,760 Because he already did... come back. 727 00:27:15,801 --> 00:27:18,429 And she turned him away. 728 00:27:18,471 --> 00:27:20,264 "She" who? 729 00:27:20,306 --> 00:27:21,515 Miriam. 730 00:27:21,557 --> 00:27:22,892 -Our Miriam? -Yes. 731 00:27:22,933 --> 00:27:24,226 I don't understand. 732 00:27:27,772 --> 00:27:30,941 About a month ago, Joel came here 733 00:27:30,983 --> 00:27:34,570 and he asked to come back. 734 00:27:34,612 --> 00:27:36,655 She said no. 735 00:27:36,697 --> 00:27:40,993 -She said no. -She said no. 736 00:27:45,122 --> 00:27:47,041 And you didn't tell me. 737 00:27:47,083 --> 00:27:49,085 I didn't know how. 738 00:27:49,126 --> 00:27:51,087 And she didn't tell me. 739 00:27:51,128 --> 00:27:53,381 She probably didn't know how. 740 00:27:55,424 --> 00:27:57,718 Well, thank you very much. 741 00:28:01,013 --> 00:28:03,349 Drina! I need the ball. 742 00:28:03,391 --> 00:28:04,975 And the cards. 743 00:28:05,017 --> 00:28:07,478 I need the ball and the cards and two cups of tea. 744 00:28:07,520 --> 00:28:10,398 -WOMAN: Hello. -Drina? 745 00:28:12,316 --> 00:28:14,693 Welcome. Please, have a seat. 746 00:28:14,735 --> 00:28:15,945 Who are you? 747 00:28:15,986 --> 00:28:17,988 I am Madame Cosma. 748 00:28:18,030 --> 00:28:19,990 I see your future so you don't have to. 749 00:28:20,032 --> 00:28:22,076 N-No. What happened to Drina? 750 00:28:22,118 --> 00:28:24,787 Drina, she's home now. 751 00:28:24,829 --> 00:28:26,956 Drina went back to the old country without telling me? 752 00:28:26,997 --> 00:28:29,458 The old country, she's from the Bronx. 753 00:28:29,500 --> 00:28:30,751 Oh, no, no, no. Drina's from Eastern Europe. 754 00:28:30,793 --> 00:28:33,254 A small city just outside Bucharest. 755 00:28:33,295 --> 00:28:35,297 Okay. 756 00:28:35,339 --> 00:28:36,966 I need to see her. She tells my fortune. 757 00:28:37,007 --> 00:28:39,176 She reads my tea leaves. She helps guide my life. 758 00:28:39,218 --> 00:28:41,637 Well, now I am the person who's gonna do that, 759 00:28:41,679 --> 00:28:43,180 but between you and me, 760 00:28:43,222 --> 00:28:45,850 the tea leaf thing, kind of a scam. 761 00:28:45,891 --> 00:28:49,228 Pyromancy. Gazing into fire... 762 00:28:49,270 --> 00:28:51,647 Much more accurate, prettier, too. 763 00:28:51,689 --> 00:28:54,692 -This isn't happening. -The price is the same. 764 00:28:54,733 --> 00:28:57,570 And if you pay in advance, your tenth visit is free. 765 00:28:57,611 --> 00:28:59,196 Plus, I throw in a charm. 766 00:28:59,238 --> 00:29:01,699 I don't believe this. What am I gonna do? 767 00:29:01,740 --> 00:29:05,870 I don't even have to consult the cards to see... 768 00:29:05,911 --> 00:29:09,498 that it's all going wrong for you. 769 00:29:12,084 --> 00:29:15,212 (door opens and closes) 770 00:29:29,477 --> 00:29:31,020 Hello, Abe. 771 00:29:32,646 --> 00:29:35,941 Abe. Abe! 772 00:29:35,983 --> 00:29:39,153 I just need a moment, please. 773 00:29:39,195 --> 00:29:41,155 Okay, I know you hate me. 774 00:29:41,197 --> 00:29:42,698 I don't blame you. 775 00:29:42,740 --> 00:29:44,825 I'm not feeling too hot about myself, either. 776 00:29:44,867 --> 00:29:47,828 I just wanted to talk to you about what my father said 777 00:29:47,870 --> 00:29:51,373 at that dinner a couple months ago. 778 00:29:51,415 --> 00:29:53,083 For Professor Weissman? 779 00:29:53,125 --> 00:29:55,503 I'll take it. 780 00:29:55,544 --> 00:29:57,796 Abe, you got a package. 781 00:30:03,469 --> 00:30:05,971 Okay, then I'll talk to your door. 782 00:30:06,013 --> 00:30:08,057 It's true what he said. 783 00:30:08,098 --> 00:30:10,059 Miriam and I were broke. 784 00:30:10,100 --> 00:30:11,435 I mean, flat broke. 785 00:30:11,477 --> 00:30:12,811 We were spending more than we made, 786 00:30:12,853 --> 00:30:14,730 couldn't save anything. 787 00:30:14,772 --> 00:30:17,191 But she had no idea that that was the case. 788 00:30:17,233 --> 00:30:20,194 She'd ask about money and I'd say we're fine, we're good. 789 00:30:20,236 --> 00:30:22,738 She trusted me. 790 00:30:22,780 --> 00:30:25,533 She's always trusted me. 791 00:30:25,574 --> 00:30:28,035 There's a lot of things I can't make right again, 792 00:30:28,077 --> 00:30:30,496 but there's some things I can. 793 00:30:34,500 --> 00:30:36,835 Thanks. 794 00:30:38,295 --> 00:30:40,381 Table. 795 00:30:42,049 --> 00:30:44,426 I've been stepping up at work, Abe. 796 00:30:44,468 --> 00:30:46,929 And I'm in line for a new job. 797 00:30:46,971 --> 00:30:48,556 It's a pretty big promotion. 798 00:30:48,597 --> 00:30:51,392 Well, good for you. 799 00:30:51,433 --> 00:30:54,353 I'm not bragging, it just means... 800 00:30:54,395 --> 00:30:57,064 Look. 801 00:30:57,106 --> 00:31:00,526 It comes with a raise, a pretty big one. 802 00:31:00,568 --> 00:31:02,528 And I've been crunching the numbers. 803 00:31:02,570 --> 00:31:04,280 Uh-huh. 804 00:31:04,321 --> 00:31:06,657 Miriam and the kids can't live at your place forever. 805 00:31:06,699 --> 00:31:09,577 They're gonna need their own place, three bedrooms at least. 806 00:31:09,618 --> 00:31:11,161 I can swing that now. 807 00:31:11,203 --> 00:31:12,788 And she wants the kids to go to private school? 808 00:31:12,830 --> 00:31:14,206 Yes, she does. 809 00:31:14,248 --> 00:31:16,166 Ethan to Collegiate and Esther to Brearley. 810 00:31:16,208 --> 00:31:19,211 Tuition's about $1,100 each, and I budgeted for that, too. 811 00:31:19,253 --> 00:31:21,880 Then there's clothes, entertainment. 812 00:31:21,922 --> 00:31:23,716 I want them to go to shows and movies, 813 00:31:23,757 --> 00:31:26,302 take piano lessons, go on vacations. 814 00:31:26,343 --> 00:31:27,720 It's all here. 815 00:31:27,761 --> 00:31:29,722 Everything they need is accounted for. 816 00:31:29,763 --> 00:31:31,849 And my new salary will cover it all. 817 00:31:31,890 --> 00:31:34,727 And if you don't get the new job? 818 00:31:34,768 --> 00:31:37,271 Then I'll go back to working for my father. 819 00:31:37,313 --> 00:31:39,857 Either way, that is the salary. 820 00:31:39,898 --> 00:31:43,861 Joel, you know that I am pretty good at math. 821 00:31:43,902 --> 00:31:45,654 -Right? -Yes. 822 00:31:45,696 --> 00:31:48,032 There's nothing left for you. 823 00:31:48,073 --> 00:31:49,825 I'll be fine. 824 00:31:49,867 --> 00:31:52,119 -You'll be fine? -The new job takes me 825 00:31:52,161 --> 00:31:53,495 to the West Coast a lot, 826 00:31:53,537 --> 00:31:54,788 eventually, I'll be moving there. 827 00:31:54,830 --> 00:31:56,040 To California? 828 00:31:56,081 --> 00:31:57,416 Miriam said you hate California. 829 00:31:57,458 --> 00:31:59,293 Doesn't matter. 830 00:31:59,335 --> 00:32:01,795 But what about the kids? 831 00:32:01,837 --> 00:32:04,131 They're taken care of. Anything they want. 832 00:32:04,173 --> 00:32:05,924 But you won't see them. 833 00:32:05,966 --> 00:32:08,594 They don't need me. 834 00:32:11,847 --> 00:32:13,015 Joel. 835 00:32:13,057 --> 00:32:15,267 So do me a favor, Abe? 836 00:32:15,309 --> 00:32:17,269 Be the go-between on this. 837 00:32:17,311 --> 00:32:19,355 Tell Midge that she and the kids are all set. 838 00:32:21,273 --> 00:32:23,025 You'll do that? 839 00:32:23,067 --> 00:32:25,277 I'll do that. 840 00:32:26,779 --> 00:32:29,281 This is good, Abe. 841 00:32:29,323 --> 00:32:31,075 You should be happy. 842 00:32:31,116 --> 00:32:33,535 Okay. 843 00:32:33,577 --> 00:32:36,246 I'll be happy. 844 00:32:44,213 --> 00:32:46,215 (car horn honks in distance) 845 00:32:50,719 --> 00:32:52,721 (grand musical tones play) 846 00:32:56,725 --> 00:32:58,185 Good afternoon. 847 00:32:58,227 --> 00:32:59,603 Miss Gleason, I presume. 848 00:32:59,645 --> 00:33:01,647 Yes. Good afternoon. 849 00:33:01,689 --> 00:33:02,940 Miss Lennon is expecting you. 850 00:33:02,981 --> 00:33:04,441 Please come in. 851 00:33:04,483 --> 00:33:06,985 Thank you. 852 00:33:10,406 --> 00:33:13,200 So who composed that doorbell? Puccini? 853 00:33:13,242 --> 00:33:14,660 I wouldn't know. 854 00:33:14,702 --> 00:33:17,538 Probably just some guy at the doorbell factory. 855 00:33:17,579 --> 00:33:19,456 Your coat, miss? 856 00:33:19,498 --> 00:33:21,458 Oh, yes. 857 00:33:21,500 --> 00:33:24,044 Wow. Such a big foyer. 858 00:33:24,086 --> 00:33:25,754 You should put in a ping-pong table. 859 00:33:25,796 --> 00:33:27,965 -Jenkins? -Oh. 860 00:33:28,006 --> 00:33:31,009 -Oh, hi, Jenkins. -The lady's coat. 861 00:33:40,018 --> 00:33:42,020 They look like they could use some water. 862 00:33:42,062 --> 00:33:44,022 Miss Lennon will be down shortly. 863 00:33:44,064 --> 00:33:46,608 SOPHIE: Miss Lennon is down now. 864 00:33:46,650 --> 00:33:48,652 (chuckles) 865 00:33:50,529 --> 00:33:52,906 Sophie. Hi. 866 00:33:52,948 --> 00:33:54,867 (chuckling): So good to see you. 867 00:33:54,908 --> 00:33:56,785 Oh, and you're on time. 868 00:33:56,827 --> 00:33:58,620 That's so unlike a comic. 869 00:33:58,662 --> 00:34:00,372 -I tend to be punctual. -Mmm. 870 00:34:00,414 --> 00:34:03,459 The lady was inquiring as to the provenance of the doorbell. 871 00:34:03,500 --> 00:34:05,419 It was a joke. I said Puccini. 872 00:34:05,461 --> 00:34:06,837 It was Aaron Copland. 873 00:34:06,879 --> 00:34:08,922 Wait. Aaron Copland wrote your doorbell? 874 00:34:08,964 --> 00:34:10,424 It's something he does. 875 00:34:10,466 --> 00:34:13,010 Aaron writes doorbells for all his friends. 876 00:34:13,051 --> 00:34:16,597 I guess even composers need to let loose sometimes. 877 00:34:16,638 --> 00:34:18,307 Dawes, how is the light in the Blue Room today? 878 00:34:18,348 --> 00:34:19,892 I got a terrible night's sleep, 879 00:34:19,933 --> 00:34:22,269 and you know that makes my eyes sensitive to light. 880 00:34:22,311 --> 00:34:24,730 Is the light caustic today? 881 00:34:24,772 --> 00:34:26,732 I'll check, ma'am. 882 00:34:39,536 --> 00:34:42,331 The light is not caustic, ma'am. 883 00:34:42,372 --> 00:34:44,416 The Blue Room it is. 884 00:34:53,926 --> 00:34:56,470 Wow. Wow. 885 00:34:56,512 --> 00:34:59,056 I had to fire six designers to get it here. 886 00:34:59,097 --> 00:35:00,766 I'm not sure it was worth it. 887 00:35:00,808 --> 00:35:03,185 -This is gorgeous. -Don't touch. 888 00:35:03,227 --> 00:35:04,895 That was Cole Porter's. 889 00:35:04,937 --> 00:35:08,899 He wrote "Begin the Beguine" on that very instrument. 890 00:35:08,941 --> 00:35:11,151 And this rug was once owned by George Gershwin. 891 00:35:11,193 --> 00:35:12,694 Should I walk on it? 892 00:35:12,736 --> 00:35:15,739 Lightly. You'll have the grand tour after we eat. 893 00:35:15,781 --> 00:35:18,242 Terrific. I'd love to see the kitchen. 894 00:35:18,283 --> 00:35:19,993 The kitchen? Really? 895 00:35:20,035 --> 00:35:21,537 Why? 896 00:35:21,578 --> 00:35:23,288 Because I love kitchens. 897 00:35:23,330 --> 00:35:25,499 Really? Kitchens? 898 00:35:25,541 --> 00:35:27,084 Why? 899 00:35:28,335 --> 00:35:30,087 -They're neat. -To be honest, 900 00:35:30,128 --> 00:35:32,548 I haven't been in our kitchen in quite some time. 901 00:35:32,589 --> 00:35:35,634 I'm on the road, I'm upstairs, 902 00:35:35,676 --> 00:35:38,095 but if it means that much to you, we'll find it. 903 00:35:38,136 --> 00:35:40,264 Ready for tea, ma'am? 904 00:35:40,305 --> 00:35:42,432 Yes, Dawes. Let's sit. 905 00:35:46,144 --> 00:35:49,189 So the bread for the finger sandwiches is from Provence. 906 00:35:49,231 --> 00:35:51,400 Uh, the macaroons are French, too. 907 00:35:51,441 --> 00:35:55,404 Clotted cream is from London, of course, and the scones. 908 00:35:55,445 --> 00:35:57,823 I would never eat a domestic scone. 909 00:35:57,865 --> 00:35:59,575 Shall we prepare your plate, miss? 910 00:35:59,616 --> 00:36:01,243 Yes, thank you. 911 00:36:01,285 --> 00:36:04,454 And I will have my usual, Dawes. 912 00:36:04,496 --> 00:36:07,583 So... this is you. 913 00:36:07,624 --> 00:36:08,876 This is me. 914 00:36:08,917 --> 00:36:10,919 -Surprised? -A little. 915 00:36:10,961 --> 00:36:13,463 You were expecting Sophie Lennon, weren't ya? 916 00:36:13,505 --> 00:36:16,800 -Yes. -(chuckles) It's a very successful charade, isn't it? 917 00:36:16,842 --> 00:36:19,928 -Amazing. -It's all fat suit and makeup. 918 00:36:19,970 --> 00:36:21,555 How do people not know? 919 00:36:21,597 --> 00:36:24,182 I've never seen a picture of you out of character. 920 00:36:24,224 --> 00:36:26,143 I pay the publicists, I pay the rags. 921 00:36:26,184 --> 00:36:29,062 I paid for Walter Winchell's summer home, for Christ's sake. 922 00:36:29,104 --> 00:36:30,647 Fans don't want to see this. 923 00:36:30,689 --> 00:36:33,150 They want the hausfrau from Queens. 924 00:36:33,191 --> 00:36:35,777 Ooh. Macaroons. 925 00:36:35,819 --> 00:36:39,197 (laughs) You are so refreshing. 926 00:36:39,239 --> 00:36:41,742 -Hmm? -Eating a macaroon like that. 927 00:36:41,783 --> 00:36:43,410 Oh, am I eating it wrong? 928 00:36:43,452 --> 00:36:45,579 No, no, no. You're eating it. 929 00:36:45,621 --> 00:36:47,205 (Sophie chuckles) 930 00:36:47,247 --> 00:36:49,541 Leave the wedge, please. 931 00:37:02,554 --> 00:37:05,098 My goodness, you're so pretty. 932 00:37:05,140 --> 00:37:07,893 Why comedy? Can't you sing? 933 00:37:07,935 --> 00:37:11,188 Nope. The comedy thing-- I-I just fell into it. 934 00:37:11,229 --> 00:37:12,689 Mm, me, too. 935 00:37:12,731 --> 00:37:14,733 -I went to Yale Drama School. -You're kidding. 936 00:37:14,775 --> 00:37:17,194 Yes, I wanted to be the next Laurette Taylor. 937 00:37:17,235 --> 00:37:19,237 Then I graduated, and I starved, 938 00:37:19,279 --> 00:37:22,741 so I started doing this character-- Sophie from Queens. 939 00:37:22,783 --> 00:37:24,743 And look what it paid for. 940 00:37:24,785 --> 00:37:26,203 Dawes? 941 00:37:26,244 --> 00:37:29,206 -Yes, ma'am? -Isn't that marvelous? 942 00:37:29,247 --> 00:37:32,709 -Uh... -So tell me... 943 00:37:32,751 --> 00:37:35,128 what is your gimmick? 944 00:37:35,170 --> 00:37:37,422 -My...? -Your persona. 945 00:37:37,464 --> 00:37:39,049 -Your Sophie. -Oh. 946 00:37:39,091 --> 00:37:41,593 I don't have a persona. I'm just me. 947 00:37:41,635 --> 00:37:44,179 Oh, no, no, no, that will not work. 948 00:37:44,221 --> 00:37:46,515 -It won't? -No. No one wants that. 949 00:37:46,556 --> 00:37:48,016 I-I've been doing okay. 950 00:37:48,058 --> 00:37:49,601 Downtown. 951 00:37:49,643 --> 00:37:51,853 Honey, you give a downtowner a swig of gin, 952 00:37:51,895 --> 00:37:53,939 and he'll laugh at a sponge. 953 00:37:53,981 --> 00:37:56,858 The mainstreamers, the people from Pacoima, 954 00:37:56,900 --> 00:38:00,445 the people who buy the dish soap and the dog food, 955 00:38:00,487 --> 00:38:05,367 who pay for the Modigliani's-- they want a character. 956 00:38:05,409 --> 00:38:07,661 But... Bob Hope doesn't have a character. 957 00:38:07,703 --> 00:38:09,496 Lenny Bruce doesn't have a character. 958 00:38:09,538 --> 00:38:12,290 They have dicks. Do you have a dick? 959 00:38:12,332 --> 00:38:14,084 Not last time I checked. 960 00:38:14,126 --> 00:38:16,461 Darling, look at you. 961 00:38:16,503 --> 00:38:19,423 I mean, really-- men don't want to laugh at you. 962 00:38:19,464 --> 00:38:20,966 They want to fuck you. 963 00:38:21,008 --> 00:38:23,010 You can't go up there and be a woman. 964 00:38:23,051 --> 00:38:24,928 You've got to be a thing. 965 00:38:24,970 --> 00:38:26,471 You want to get ahead in comedy? 966 00:38:26,513 --> 00:38:28,640 Cover up that hole. 967 00:38:28,682 --> 00:38:30,851 Another macaroon, miss? 968 00:38:30,892 --> 00:38:32,436 No, thank you, Dawes. 969 00:38:32,477 --> 00:38:34,896 You're learning. 970 00:38:36,398 --> 00:38:39,985 So... you got the grand tour? 971 00:38:40,027 --> 00:38:41,862 My feet hurt, we walked so much. 972 00:38:41,903 --> 00:38:43,613 (laughs) I love that you love kitchens. 973 00:38:43,655 --> 00:38:45,282 -I do. -Mm. 974 00:38:45,323 --> 00:38:47,409 You should visit yours sometime. It misses you. 975 00:38:47,451 --> 00:38:49,286 Oh, and you have macaroons to take home. 976 00:38:49,327 --> 00:38:50,704 This was very nice. 977 00:38:50,746 --> 00:38:52,706 -Mm. -Thank you, Sophie. 978 00:38:52,748 --> 00:38:54,750 I have a feeling we're going to be seeing a lot 979 00:38:54,791 --> 00:38:56,168 of each other in the future. 980 00:38:56,209 --> 00:38:57,711 I hope so. 981 00:38:57,753 --> 00:38:59,671 Well, good luck tomorrow night. 982 00:38:59,713 --> 00:39:01,882 Say hello to Harry and make him laugh. 983 00:39:01,923 --> 00:39:03,550 -I will do my best. -Mm. 984 00:39:03,592 --> 00:39:05,052 Your coat, miss. 985 00:39:05,093 --> 00:39:06,970 What is that? 986 00:39:07,012 --> 00:39:08,597 That is my coat. 987 00:39:08,638 --> 00:39:10,932 That flimsy thing? It's freezing out. 988 00:39:10,974 --> 00:39:14,186 Uh-uh. Jenkins? 989 00:39:14,227 --> 00:39:17,731 A fat suit is very warm, by the way. 990 00:39:21,902 --> 00:39:24,696 This was really not necessary. 991 00:39:24,738 --> 00:39:27,157 Miss Lennon was unhappy with your coat. 992 00:39:27,199 --> 00:39:28,408 How should I get it back to her? 993 00:39:28,450 --> 00:39:30,327 She's worn it twice. It's yours now. 994 00:39:30,368 --> 00:39:31,995 Do you need a car? 995 00:39:32,037 --> 00:39:34,247 No. Thank you, Dawes. 996 00:39:34,289 --> 00:39:36,333 This has been a gas. 997 00:39:36,374 --> 00:39:38,960 It has, miss. Good-bye. 998 00:39:50,639 --> 00:39:53,016 (singing in Hebrew) 999 00:40:06,696 --> 00:40:09,241 -Goot Shabbos, Abraham. -Goot Shabbos, Chaim. 1000 00:40:09,282 --> 00:40:10,784 Where are the ladies? 1001 00:40:10,826 --> 00:40:12,744 A very good question, Chaim. 1002 00:40:12,786 --> 00:40:14,788 (singing continues) 1003 00:40:14,830 --> 00:40:16,998 Abraham... 1004 00:40:17,040 --> 00:40:19,584 come close, please! 1005 00:40:21,253 --> 00:40:23,630 The rabbi has a cold. 1006 00:40:26,007 --> 00:40:28,426 Thank you, Chaim. 1007 00:40:30,762 --> 00:40:33,140 (singing ends) 1008 00:40:38,645 --> 00:40:42,399 Everyone please join me as we welcome the Sabbath 1009 00:40:42,440 --> 00:40:48,238 with Lecha Dodi, page 137. 1010 00:40:48,280 --> 00:40:53,535 ♪ Lecha dodi likrat kallah ♪ 1011 00:40:53,577 --> 00:40:57,831 ♪ P'nei shabbat neqabelah... ♪ 1012 00:40:57,873 --> 00:40:59,541 -Where's Miriam? -(singing continues) 1013 00:40:59,583 --> 00:41:01,501 Where's Miriam? Where were you? 1014 00:41:01,543 --> 00:41:03,920 You're going to answer my question with a question? 1015 00:41:03,962 --> 00:41:07,465 If not here, where? 1016 00:41:07,507 --> 00:41:11,595 -♪ Adonai ehad ushemo ehad... ♪ -(door closes) 1017 00:41:11,636 --> 00:41:13,722 Sorry I'm late. 1018 00:41:13,763 --> 00:41:16,433 -What is that? -What? 1019 00:41:16,474 --> 00:41:18,351 That. What are you wearing? 1020 00:41:18,393 --> 00:41:19,728 Oh, just... 1021 00:41:19,769 --> 00:41:21,354 Long story. What page are we on? 1022 00:41:21,396 --> 00:41:23,732 -137. -Well, tell me the story. 1023 00:41:23,773 --> 00:41:26,693 -What? -Tell me the story. I want to know. 1024 00:41:26,735 --> 00:41:28,278 I borrowed it, okay? I borrowed the coat. 1025 00:41:28,320 --> 00:41:30,155 -Let's talk after. -No. Let's talk now. 1026 00:41:30,197 --> 00:41:31,698 Mama, shh. 1027 00:41:31,740 --> 00:41:33,825 Don't "shh" me! Don't you ever "shh" me! 1028 00:41:33,867 --> 00:41:35,869 -Tell me where you got the fur coat! -Rose. 1029 00:41:35,911 --> 00:41:37,954 -Mama! -What? Marshall Field? 1030 00:41:37,996 --> 00:41:40,165 The label says "Marshall Field." That's in Chicago. 1031 00:41:40,207 --> 00:41:41,708 -When were you in Chicago? -Shh! 1032 00:41:41,750 --> 00:41:43,251 -What about Marshall Field? -Not now, Chaim. 1033 00:41:43,293 --> 00:41:44,753 Why do you have a fur coat? 1034 00:41:44,794 --> 00:41:46,171 Really, we are ruining "Lecha Dodi." 1035 00:41:46,213 --> 00:41:47,756 Well, I think I deserve 1036 00:41:47,797 --> 00:41:49,716 to know some fucking thing, don't I, Miriam? 1037 00:41:49,758 --> 00:41:52,135 I mean, don't I deserve to know anything? 1038 00:41:52,177 --> 00:41:53,887 Rose, look where we are. 1039 00:41:53,929 --> 00:41:56,139 I mean, I clearly, didn't deserve to know that Abe knew 1040 00:41:56,181 --> 00:41:57,599 that your husband came back, right? 1041 00:41:57,641 --> 00:41:59,434 I clearly didn't deserve to know that the thing 1042 00:41:59,476 --> 00:42:01,144 I'd been waiting for all these months, 1043 00:42:01,186 --> 00:42:03,480 the reconciliation of Ethan's mother and father... 1044 00:42:03,521 --> 00:42:05,941 I-I-I, what, didn't deserve to know that that happened. 1045 00:42:05,982 --> 00:42:08,485 Okay, fine! I get that! That's life, but the least 1046 00:42:08,526 --> 00:42:10,111 you can do, Miriam, is tell me 1047 00:42:10,153 --> 00:42:11,738 where you got the Goddamn fur coat! 1048 00:42:11,780 --> 00:42:13,615 (worshipers murmuring) 1049 00:42:13,657 --> 00:42:15,951 (silence) 1050 00:42:15,992 --> 00:42:17,661 (soft murmuring) 1051 00:42:17,702 --> 00:42:19,788 (sneezing) 1052 00:42:21,581 --> 00:42:24,042 You see? 1053 00:42:26,294 --> 00:42:32,092 ♪ Lecha dodi likrat kallah ♪ 1054 00:42:32,133 --> 00:42:37,305 ♪ P'nei shabbat neqabelah. ♪ 1055 00:42:37,347 --> 00:42:39,641 (upbeat jazz playing) 1056 00:42:39,683 --> 00:42:42,936 (crowd chatter, laughter) 1057 00:42:42,978 --> 00:42:45,355 How you doing, Harry? Can I get you anything? 1058 00:42:45,397 --> 00:42:47,190 Some ventilation would be nice. 1059 00:42:47,232 --> 00:42:49,484 I know you're anxious to get the show started 1060 00:42:49,526 --> 00:42:51,319 before your stool softener kicks in. 1061 00:42:51,361 --> 00:42:54,072 Appreciated. You know, there's a lot of energy in this room. 1062 00:42:54,114 --> 00:42:55,532 It's impressive. 1063 00:42:55,573 --> 00:42:57,450 We were turning people away out there. 1064 00:42:57,492 --> 00:42:59,536 Thanks for this, Harry. Really. 1065 00:42:59,577 --> 00:43:02,289 -I'm gonna go check on my girl. -Go. Be a manager. 1066 00:43:02,330 --> 00:43:04,332 Hey, Jerry. 1067 00:43:04,374 --> 00:43:06,084 -Where's Midge? -She's in the men's. 1068 00:43:06,126 --> 00:43:08,545 What is she doing in the men's? 1069 00:43:10,630 --> 00:43:13,258 -Occupied! -SUSIE: It's me! 1070 00:43:13,300 --> 00:43:14,676 Come on in. 1071 00:43:14,718 --> 00:43:16,553 What are you doing in the men's room? 1072 00:43:16,594 --> 00:43:18,305 Getting ready. The women's room was disgusting. 1073 00:43:18,346 --> 00:43:20,140 Jackie, how disgusting is the women's room 1074 00:43:20,181 --> 00:43:21,850 that the men's room is less disgusting? 1075 00:43:21,891 --> 00:43:23,935 I don't know. I don't go in the women's room. 1076 00:43:23,977 --> 00:43:25,562 Must be foul, though. 1077 00:43:25,603 --> 00:43:27,856 You ready? Crowd is clamoring. 1078 00:43:27,897 --> 00:43:30,317 I am ready. 1079 00:43:30,358 --> 00:43:32,360 So I was thinking you should go back to starting 1080 00:43:32,402 --> 00:43:33,945 with the stuff about your parents first. 1081 00:43:33,987 --> 00:43:35,572 Then go to your work stuff... like you used to. 1082 00:43:35,613 --> 00:43:37,574 -I was thinking the same thing. -Mm. Simpatico. 1083 00:43:37,615 --> 00:43:39,159 MIDGE: So simpatico. 1084 00:43:39,200 --> 00:43:40,910 Jackie, do your thing. 1085 00:43:40,952 --> 00:43:43,496 Okay, I'm going back with Harry. Break a leg. 1086 00:43:43,538 --> 00:43:45,123 You ready, Amanda? 1087 00:43:45,165 --> 00:43:47,375 Amanda is ready. 1088 00:43:47,417 --> 00:43:49,753 (applause and cheering) 1089 00:43:49,794 --> 00:43:51,838 JACKIE: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. 1090 00:43:51,880 --> 00:43:54,341 Don't applaud me. I'm nobody. 1091 00:43:54,382 --> 00:43:56,092 Applaud the young lady coming up. 1092 00:43:56,134 --> 00:43:57,927 She has been killing it these past few weeks 1093 00:43:57,969 --> 00:43:59,888 right here at the Gaslight. 1094 00:43:59,929 --> 00:44:02,891 And tonight, you are witnessing a very special showcase. 1095 00:44:02,932 --> 00:44:06,853 So give it up for our own homegrown girl: Amanda Gleason! 1096 00:44:06,895 --> 00:44:08,688 (applause and cheering) 1097 00:44:08,730 --> 00:44:11,649 Okay, okay. 1098 00:44:11,691 --> 00:44:13,818 Guess the checks I wrote to all of you have cleared. 1099 00:44:13,860 --> 00:44:15,278 Good to know. 1100 00:44:15,320 --> 00:44:17,989 Stop it. Stop it. 1101 00:44:18,031 --> 00:44:19,699 Oh, stop. 1102 00:44:19,741 --> 00:44:22,619 -She glows, this girl. -That she does. 1103 00:44:22,660 --> 00:44:25,455 You ever think about your parents having sex? 1104 00:44:25,497 --> 00:44:27,415 (laughter) 1105 00:44:27,457 --> 00:44:29,751 Yeah. Yeah, even Freud is like, 1106 00:44:29,793 --> 00:44:31,628 "You know what? I'm gonna pass on that one." 1107 00:44:31,669 --> 00:44:33,588 But I was at my parents' house 1108 00:44:33,630 --> 00:44:37,425 one morning recently, and I heard this sound. 1109 00:44:37,467 --> 00:44:40,637 (light laughter) 1110 00:44:46,810 --> 00:44:48,853 This scraping noise. 1111 00:44:48,895 --> 00:44:52,148 So I went into their bedroom, and there were my parents, 1112 00:44:52,190 --> 00:44:55,318 struggling to separate the twin beds. 1113 00:44:55,360 --> 00:44:57,695 (laughter) 1114 00:45:02,534 --> 00:45:05,286 You know, I'm gonna give my parents' sex life a night off. 1115 00:45:05,328 --> 00:45:08,415 I'm gonna give my mother a night off... from me, 1116 00:45:08,456 --> 00:45:10,208 -from my mind. -(laughter) 1117 00:45:10,250 --> 00:45:12,085 Wouldn't that be nice? What do you say? 1118 00:45:12,127 --> 00:45:15,088 -Yeah, what do you think? -(applause and cheering) 1119 00:45:15,130 --> 00:45:18,800 No. I-I... I love my mother, I really do. 1120 00:45:18,842 --> 00:45:22,554 I just, I wish that sometimes she would just... relax, 1121 00:45:22,595 --> 00:45:24,681 not worry about things. 1122 00:45:24,722 --> 00:45:26,182 I-I mean, it's not her fault. 1123 00:45:26,224 --> 00:45:28,726 She just wants everything to be perfect. 1124 00:45:28,768 --> 00:45:32,397 No, no, she wants everything to seem perfect, 1125 00:45:32,439 --> 00:45:34,941 to look perfect. 1126 00:45:34,983 --> 00:45:38,611 She's like a Jewish Dorian Gray. 1127 00:45:38,653 --> 00:45:42,490 -(laughter) -She's so focused on me, 1128 00:45:42,532 --> 00:45:45,452 and I don't understand it, because so what if I work? 1129 00:45:45,493 --> 00:45:47,912 So what if I get divorced? 1130 00:45:47,954 --> 00:45:49,914 So what if I'm alone? 1131 00:45:49,956 --> 00:45:55,003 Why do women care about how people look at them or see them? 1132 00:45:55,044 --> 00:45:56,754 All women. 1133 00:45:56,796 --> 00:45:59,215 Beautiful women, successful women. 1134 00:45:59,257 --> 00:46:01,092 WOMAN: Yeah. 1135 00:46:01,134 --> 00:46:02,760 Do you know Sophie Lennon? 1136 00:46:02,802 --> 00:46:05,096 -(applause and cheering) -MIDGE: Sure. 1137 00:46:05,138 --> 00:46:06,639 Sure, yeah, everyone does. 1138 00:46:06,681 --> 00:46:09,726 Queen of vaudeville, conquered radio. 1139 00:46:09,767 --> 00:46:11,561 She is a comedy icon. 1140 00:46:11,603 --> 00:46:13,229 But you know what? 1141 00:46:13,271 --> 00:46:16,065 You don't know the great Sophie Lennon. 1142 00:46:16,107 --> 00:46:17,609 This is part of her act? 1143 00:46:17,650 --> 00:46:19,068 She's a little off book here. 1144 00:46:19,110 --> 00:46:20,904 MIDGE: I got to go to her house. 1145 00:46:20,945 --> 00:46:23,364 -Sidebar-- it's not in Queens! -(laughter) 1146 00:46:23,406 --> 00:46:25,158 In fact, calling that thing a house 1147 00:46:25,200 --> 00:46:27,035 is like calling the Vatican a church. 1148 00:46:27,076 --> 00:46:28,995 (laughter) 1149 00:46:29,037 --> 00:46:31,915 I mean, this woman drips wealth, you know? 1150 00:46:31,956 --> 00:46:34,000 Like, if she had been around during the Russian Revolution, 1151 00:46:34,042 --> 00:46:37,170 the Bolsheviks would've told the Romanovs, "Ah, never mind. 1152 00:46:37,212 --> 00:46:38,630 "Take your diamonds, take your crowns. 1153 00:46:38,671 --> 00:46:40,340 We got Sophie Lennon. That'll do us." 1154 00:46:40,381 --> 00:46:43,134 -(laughter) -And her poor staff. 1155 00:46:43,176 --> 00:46:45,553 I have a feeling that when company leaves, 1156 00:46:45,595 --> 00:46:48,264 that's when her butlers and maids do their real jobs-- 1157 00:46:48,306 --> 00:46:50,433 polishing her silver and her ego. 1158 00:46:50,475 --> 00:46:51,893 (laughter) 1159 00:46:51,935 --> 00:46:55,271 -What the fuck? -Fat Sophie Lennon. 1160 00:46:55,313 --> 00:46:57,690 Right? "Put that on your plate!" 1161 00:46:57,732 --> 00:46:59,359 (laughter) 1162 00:46:59,400 --> 00:47:02,737 Well, guess what? It's a fucking fat suit. 1163 00:47:02,779 --> 00:47:04,531 -WOMAN: What? -(audience gasping) 1164 00:47:04,572 --> 00:47:06,658 And there is nothing on her plate. 1165 00:47:06,699 --> 00:47:08,201 I ate with her. 1166 00:47:08,243 --> 00:47:10,411 All she did was suck a lemon down to the rind, 1167 00:47:10,453 --> 00:47:13,706 and when I had the audacity to take a bite of a cookie, 1168 00:47:13,748 --> 00:47:15,792 she made me feel like I'd splashed her 1169 00:47:15,833 --> 00:47:17,210 with a cup of syphilis. 1170 00:47:17,252 --> 00:47:19,629 (laughter, scattered applause) 1171 00:47:19,671 --> 00:47:21,839 You know, she gave me a piece of advice 1172 00:47:21,881 --> 00:47:24,467 right there in the Blue Room. 1173 00:47:24,509 --> 00:47:28,096 She told me that no one would find me funny 1174 00:47:28,137 --> 00:47:31,516 unless I do some big, whackadoodle character, 1175 00:47:31,558 --> 00:47:33,184 or have a dick. 1176 00:47:33,226 --> 00:47:35,311 -(laughter) "Sophie Lennon!" 1177 00:47:35,353 --> 00:47:39,315 Really? You're gonna sit in your million-dollar townhouse, 1178 00:47:39,357 --> 00:47:41,359 on some chair that's historical 1179 00:47:41,401 --> 00:47:43,403 because the Mad King George got the trots on it, 1180 00:47:43,444 --> 00:47:45,488 and tell me that men won't think I'm funny 1181 00:47:45,530 --> 00:47:47,699 because I don't look like a dump truck? 1182 00:47:47,740 --> 00:47:49,576 (laughter) 1183 00:47:49,617 --> 00:47:52,328 Why do women have to pretend to be something that they're not? 1184 00:47:52,370 --> 00:47:54,122 -WOMAN: Right. -(whistling) 1185 00:47:54,163 --> 00:47:57,000 Why do we have to pretend to be stupid when we're not stupid? 1186 00:47:57,041 --> 00:47:59,085 -WOMAN: Yeah! -Why do we have to pretend 1187 00:47:59,127 --> 00:48:02,380 -to be helpless when we're not helpless? -(whoops, applause) 1188 00:48:02,422 --> 00:48:04,549 Why do we have to pretend to be sorry 1189 00:48:04,591 --> 00:48:06,593 when we have nothing to be sorry about? 1190 00:48:06,634 --> 00:48:08,469 -WOMAN: Amen! -WOMAN 2: Right! -(applause and cheering) 1191 00:48:08,511 --> 00:48:11,556 Why do we have to pretend we're not hungry when we're hungry? 1192 00:48:11,598 --> 00:48:13,141 (cheering) 1193 00:48:13,182 --> 00:48:16,686 Fuck you, Sophie! Put that on your plate! 1194 00:48:16,728 --> 00:48:19,105 -(applause, cheering, whistling) -(indistinct shout) 1195 00:48:19,147 --> 00:48:22,233 Harry, wait. 1196 00:48:22,275 --> 00:48:24,611 -Harry! -MIDGE: Let them not eat cake. 1197 00:48:24,652 --> 00:48:26,571 Please. 1198 00:48:26,613 --> 00:48:28,323 Harry, wait. Let me explain. 1199 00:48:28,364 --> 00:48:30,158 You're dead in this business. You hear me? 1200 00:48:30,199 --> 00:48:32,327 You double-cross me, you don't come back. 1201 00:48:32,368 --> 00:48:34,245 I told you she was spontaneous. 1202 00:48:34,287 --> 00:48:36,748 Do you have any idea what it means to be on my bad side? 1203 00:48:36,789 --> 00:48:38,958 -I don't want to be on your bad side. -This town 1204 00:48:39,000 --> 00:48:40,877 is gonna become a very uncomfortable place 1205 00:48:40,918 --> 00:48:42,295 for you two, Susie. 1206 00:48:42,337 --> 00:48:44,339 Fucking count on it. 1207 00:48:44,380 --> 00:48:46,799 MIDGE: ...Sophie and my mother. 1208 00:48:46,841 --> 00:48:49,636 Now there's a pair. 1209 00:48:49,677 --> 00:48:51,512 Let's get those two together. 1210 00:48:51,554 --> 00:48:54,682 Maybe my mother will move into Sophie's unoccupied kitchen 1211 00:48:54,724 --> 00:48:58,061 and together they can eat lemon wedges for eternity! 1212 00:48:58,102 --> 00:48:59,812 (applause and cheering) 1213 00:48:59,854 --> 00:49:04,442 As long as the lemons are the best lemons in the world. 1214 00:49:04,484 --> 00:49:06,903 Oh, I'm just getting started here. 1215 00:49:06,944 --> 00:49:09,614 You don't have anywhere to go, do you, guys? 1216 00:49:14,952 --> 00:49:18,414 ♪ A girl in trouble is a temporary thing ♪ 1217 00:49:18,456 --> 00:49:22,377 ♪ Temporary, temporary, temporary, temporary ♪ 1218 00:49:22,418 --> 00:49:26,005 ♪ A girl in trouble is a temporary thing ♪ 1219 00:49:26,047 --> 00:49:30,301 ♪ Temporary, temporary, temporary, temporary ♪ 1220 00:49:45,233 --> 00:49:48,986 ♪ There's a time when every girl learns ♪ 1221 00:49:49,028 --> 00:49:52,365 ♪ To use her head ♪ 1222 00:49:52,407 --> 00:49:57,120 ♪ Tears will be saved till they're better spent ♪ 1223 00:49:59,997 --> 00:50:04,001 ♪ There's no time for her to be afraid ♪ 1224 00:50:04,043 --> 00:50:06,963 ♪ So instead ♪ 1225 00:50:07,004 --> 00:50:09,173 ♪ She takes care of business ♪ 1226 00:50:09,215 --> 00:50:13,845 ♪ Keeps a cool head ♪ 1227 00:50:13,886 --> 00:50:17,515 ♪ A girl in trouble is a temporary thing ♪ 1228 00:50:17,557 --> 00:50:21,436 ♪ Temporary, temporary, temporary, temporary ♪ 1229 00:50:21,477 --> 00:50:24,981 ♪ A girl in trouble is a temporary thing ♪ 1230 00:50:25,022 --> 00:50:28,693 ♪ Temporary, temporary, temporary, temporary. ♪