1 00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:08,384 BARBRA STREISAND: ♪ So long ♪ 2 00:00:08,426 --> 00:00:10,886 ♪ Sad times ♪ 3 00:00:10,928 --> 00:00:13,973 -♪ Go along, bad times ♪ -(gasps) Wallpaper is amazing! 4 00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:17,476 -♪ We are rid of you ♪ -(laughs) Told you. 5 00:00:17,518 --> 00:00:19,729 -♪ At last... ♪ -Oh, my gosh! 6 00:00:23,607 --> 00:00:25,484 ♪ Howdy ♪ 7 00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:27,945 ♪ Gay times ♪ 8 00:00:27,987 --> 00:00:31,991 ♪ Cloudy gray times ♪ 9 00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:34,493 ♪ You are now a thing ♪ 10 00:00:34,535 --> 00:00:36,829 ♪ Of ♪ 11 00:00:36,871 --> 00:00:40,166 ♪ The past... ♪ 12 00:00:40,207 --> 00:00:42,626 ♪ ♪ 13 00:00:58,225 --> 00:00:59,518 ♪ Happy days ♪ 14 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:01,729 No. No, no, I'm... That one is... 15 00:01:01,771 --> 00:01:03,606 ♪ Are here again ♪ 16 00:01:03,647 --> 00:01:06,942 ♪ The skies ♪ 17 00:01:06,984 --> 00:01:08,194 ♪ Above ♪ 18 00:01:08,235 --> 00:01:10,988 ♪ Are clear again ♪ 19 00:01:13,199 --> 00:01:16,494 ♪ So let's sing a song ♪ 20 00:01:16,535 --> 00:01:19,580 ♪ Of cheer again ♪ 21 00:01:19,622 --> 00:01:21,624 ♪ Happy days ♪ 22 00:01:21,665 --> 00:01:24,919 ♪ Are here again ♪ 23 00:01:28,547 --> 00:01:31,884 ♪ All together ♪ 24 00:01:31,926 --> 00:01:34,261 ♪ Shout it now ♪ 25 00:01:34,303 --> 00:01:37,807 ♪ There's no one ♪ 26 00:01:37,848 --> 00:01:40,976 ♪ Who can doubt it now ♪ 27 00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:43,687 (baby crying) 28 00:01:43,729 --> 00:01:46,273 ♪ So let's tell the world ♪ 29 00:01:47,608 --> 00:01:50,069 ♪ About it now ♪ 30 00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:52,154 ♪ Happy days ♪ 31 00:01:52,196 --> 00:01:54,740 ♪ Are here again ♪ 32 00:01:54,782 --> 00:01:57,243 ♪ ♪ 33 00:01:57,284 --> 00:02:00,955 ♪ Your cares and troubles ♪ 34 00:02:00,996 --> 00:02:02,957 -♪ Are gone ♪ -How's Gettysburg? 35 00:02:02,998 --> 00:02:04,792 (speaking indistinctly) 36 00:02:04,834 --> 00:02:06,585 ♪ There'll be ♪ 37 00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:08,629 -♪ No more ♪ -ALL: ...nine, eight, 38 00:02:08,671 --> 00:02:11,841 -♪ From now on ♪ -seven, six, five, 39 00:02:11,882 --> 00:02:13,926 -♪ From now on... ♪ -four, three, 40 00:02:13,968 --> 00:02:15,594 two, one! 41 00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:18,097 Happy New Year! 42 00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:20,599 ♪ Happy days ♪ 43 00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:23,769 ♪ Are here again ♪ 44 00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:26,230 ♪ The skies ♪ 45 00:02:26,272 --> 00:02:28,482 ♪ Above ♪ 46 00:02:28,524 --> 00:02:32,069 ♪ Are clear again ♪ 47 00:02:32,111 --> 00:02:36,031 ♪ So let's sing a song ♪ 48 00:02:36,073 --> 00:02:38,868 ♪ Of cheer again ♪ 49 00:02:38,909 --> 00:02:41,453 ♪ Happy times ♪ 50 00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:44,373 ♪ Happy nights ♪ 51 00:02:44,415 --> 00:02:46,584 ♪ Happy days ♪ 52 00:02:46,625 --> 00:02:47,960 ♪ Are ♪ 53 00:02:48,002 --> 00:02:49,211 ♪ Here ♪ 54 00:02:49,253 --> 00:02:51,338 ♪ Again... ♪ 55 00:02:51,380 --> 00:02:54,550 (holding final note) 56 00:03:01,807 --> 00:03:03,309 (song ends) 57 00:03:09,607 --> 00:03:11,191 The dishes go in the kitchen. 58 00:03:11,233 --> 00:03:12,651 -Yes, ma'am. -ROSE: Kitchen's full. 59 00:03:12,693 --> 00:03:14,695 Well, what am I supposed to do with the dishes? 60 00:03:14,737 --> 00:03:17,406 -Linen closet. -Dishes in the linen closet, please. 61 00:03:17,448 --> 00:03:20,075 -Yes, ma'am. -MAN: Well, hold on a second. 62 00:03:20,117 --> 00:03:22,328 Ethan, what are you watching? 63 00:03:22,369 --> 00:03:24,204 Grandma says it's good. 64 00:03:24,246 --> 00:03:26,248 It's Liberace. It's magic. 65 00:03:26,290 --> 00:03:28,083 And he's single. 66 00:03:28,125 --> 00:03:30,085 -Not my type, Mama. -All right. 67 00:03:30,127 --> 00:03:32,129 I put the other end table in the kids' room. 68 00:03:32,171 --> 00:03:33,797 We should get rid of this stuff. 69 00:03:33,839 --> 00:03:35,966 -Nonsense. We'll make it fit. -I should sell it. 70 00:03:36,008 --> 00:03:37,426 -You'll need it. -Well, the super's 71 00:03:37,468 --> 00:03:39,470 not gonna store my couch in the basement forever. 72 00:03:39,511 --> 00:03:41,972 He will if he doesn't want his wife to find out 73 00:03:42,014 --> 00:03:44,642 there's nothing wrong with Dottie Milford's pipes in 4D. 74 00:03:44,683 --> 00:03:46,644 These can go in your father's closet. 75 00:03:46,685 --> 00:03:49,188 -ABE: What? What's going in my closet? -Nothing! 76 00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:51,023 ABE: This door won't move! 77 00:03:51,065 --> 00:03:52,900 There are things in front of it. Why? 78 00:03:52,942 --> 00:03:54,818 Am I supposed to live in here now? 79 00:03:54,860 --> 00:03:56,236 Was that grapefruit the last breakfast 80 00:03:56,278 --> 00:03:58,280 -I'm ever going to eat? -Move these, please. 81 00:03:58,322 --> 00:04:00,491 -Why are they moving that? -Your father's blocked in. 82 00:04:00,532 --> 00:04:02,493 -He is? -ABE: Yes! He is! 83 00:04:02,534 --> 00:04:04,203 Abe, please relax. 84 00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:06,455 Well, you said this wasn't going to be an inconvenience. 85 00:04:06,497 --> 00:04:08,040 I consider not being able 86 00:04:08,082 --> 00:04:09,792 to leave my study somewhat of an inconvenience. 87 00:04:09,833 --> 00:04:11,669 These can go in the kids' room for now. 88 00:04:11,710 --> 00:04:13,462 -Yes, ma'am. -Keep putting things in the kids' room, 89 00:04:13,504 --> 00:04:15,005 we won't have anywhere to put the kids. 90 00:04:15,047 --> 00:04:16,465 Abe, your door is clear! 91 00:04:16,507 --> 00:04:18,300 What's that? 92 00:04:18,342 --> 00:04:20,594 -It's a box of Joel's things. -I'll take it. 93 00:04:20,636 --> 00:04:22,596 Abe? The boxes have been moved. 94 00:04:22,638 --> 00:04:25,099 -You'll take it where? -I'll put it in the basement. 95 00:04:25,140 --> 00:04:27,142 Abe! I thought you wanted to come out. 96 00:04:27,184 --> 00:04:29,311 No. I wanted the option of coming out. 97 00:04:29,353 --> 00:04:31,605 I'll take care of it. I should get these to him. 98 00:04:31,647 --> 00:04:33,315 -You sure? -I'm sure. 99 00:04:33,357 --> 00:04:35,693 Go look in your room-- there's a lovely little surprise 100 00:04:35,734 --> 00:04:37,820 -from your childhood. -As though my adulthood 101 00:04:37,861 --> 00:04:40,280 hasn't provided enough little surprises lately. 102 00:04:40,322 --> 00:04:42,866 Oh, he's playing the typewriter. Isn't that something? 103 00:04:42,908 --> 00:04:44,451 -♪ ♪ -(rhythmic clacking on TV) 104 00:04:44,493 --> 00:04:46,704 (typewriter bell dings) 105 00:04:46,745 --> 00:04:48,122 Just checking. 106 00:04:48,163 --> 00:04:49,373 (typewriter bell dings) 107 00:04:49,415 --> 00:04:50,833 -♪ ♪ -(clacking continues) 108 00:04:50,874 --> 00:04:52,751 -Here, take a look at that. -(typewriter bell dings) 109 00:04:55,337 --> 00:04:56,338 (typewriter bell dings) 110 00:04:58,841 --> 00:04:59,925 (typewriter bell dings) 111 00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:01,969 ♪ ♪ 112 00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:11,270 (typewriter and orchestra continue playing) 113 00:05:36,712 --> 00:05:38,714 ♪ ♪ 114 00:05:44,595 --> 00:05:46,597 -Times and a pack of Pall Malls. -20 cents. 115 00:05:46,638 --> 00:05:48,849 -Fuck! -A nickel back. 116 00:05:48,891 --> 00:05:50,434 Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! 117 00:05:50,476 --> 00:05:52,227 Take a Bazooka for your son. 118 00:05:52,269 --> 00:05:54,730 -Fuck, you motherfucking whore! -Hey! 119 00:05:54,772 --> 00:05:56,023 You're in a place of business. 120 00:05:56,065 --> 00:05:57,357 This typewriter's a piece of shit. 121 00:05:57,399 --> 00:05:58,484 Customers can hear you. 122 00:05:58,525 --> 00:06:01,779 Ha! Hey, Darius, look. 123 00:06:01,820 --> 00:06:04,907 "Susie Myerson-- Personal Management." 124 00:06:04,948 --> 00:06:06,366 Classy, huh? Nice big letters, 125 00:06:06,408 --> 00:06:08,243 with my number right there on the bottom. 126 00:06:08,285 --> 00:06:09,912 -That's my number. -Yeah, I don't have a phone. 127 00:06:09,953 --> 00:06:11,205 Just don't forget to introduce me 128 00:06:11,246 --> 00:06:13,040 to Dorothy Dandridge when you make it big. 129 00:06:13,082 --> 00:06:15,250 Oh, when I make it big, if I'm still hanging with you, 130 00:06:15,292 --> 00:06:17,002 I'm gonna have Dorothy Dandridge beat me to death 131 00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:18,712 -with Otto Preminger. -Watch the place a minute? 132 00:06:18,754 --> 00:06:20,839 Yeah. Light a match this time. 133 00:06:22,132 --> 00:06:24,343 (phone rings) 134 00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:25,552 (Susie sighs) 135 00:06:25,594 --> 00:06:27,554 News on Jane. 136 00:06:27,596 --> 00:06:29,640 May I speak to Susan Myerson, please? 137 00:06:29,681 --> 00:06:31,266 Who the hell is Susan Myerson? 138 00:06:31,308 --> 00:06:33,602 Oh. Susie, hi. Isn't that your full name? Susan? 139 00:06:33,644 --> 00:06:35,604 -No. -Your mother named you Susie? 140 00:06:35,646 --> 00:06:38,232 -Yes. -S-Susie? Like Susie? 141 00:06:38,273 --> 00:06:40,609 -Yes. -You just don't seem like a Susie. 142 00:06:40,651 --> 00:06:42,653 -But I seem like a Susan? -Well, no. 143 00:06:42,694 --> 00:06:44,363 What-what do I seem like? 144 00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:45,697 I don't know. A Doug? 145 00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:48,534 -Seriously? -No, not Doug. Prunella, maybe. 146 00:06:48,575 --> 00:06:50,994 Okay, h-how do you think this conversation is going so far? 147 00:06:51,036 --> 00:06:52,204 Right. Sorry. Moving on. 148 00:06:52,246 --> 00:06:53,539 Uh, what time are we meeting up today? 149 00:06:53,580 --> 00:06:54,581 I can't do today-- the movers 150 00:06:54,623 --> 00:06:55,833 have been here since 6:00. 151 00:06:55,874 --> 00:06:57,084 And my parents' apartment's a wreck. 152 00:06:57,126 --> 00:06:58,627 -Uh-huh. -I'm trying to make this day 153 00:06:58,669 --> 00:07:01,130 -as drama-free as possible... -Yep. Sure. 154 00:07:01,171 --> 00:07:03,841 ...but I ran across this box of Joel's things, and... 155 00:07:03,882 --> 00:07:05,259 Can I get a candy bar? 156 00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:07,219 -Sure. What kind? -(Midge continues speaking over phone) 157 00:07:07,261 --> 00:07:09,972 I can't decide between the Zagnut and the Hershey bar. 158 00:07:10,013 --> 00:07:12,141 Well, personally, I like the Zagnut. It's filling. 159 00:07:12,182 --> 00:07:14,393 Plus, I had a cousin who lived on a farm, 160 00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:16,186 used to feed Hershey bars to the sheep 161 00:07:16,228 --> 00:07:17,563 when they got constipated. 162 00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:19,148 Now, she was a weird broad, but still, 163 00:07:19,189 --> 00:07:20,607 I could never separate the two again. 164 00:07:20,649 --> 00:07:22,234 -I'll get the Zagnut. -Okay. 165 00:07:22,276 --> 00:07:23,861 MIDGE: ...what do I do with these shoes? 166 00:07:23,902 --> 00:07:26,029 Do I throw them away? Do I keep them for Ethan? 167 00:07:26,071 --> 00:07:27,656 Oh, I'm just babbling. Now, how about tomorrow? 168 00:07:27,698 --> 00:07:29,032 Great. Tomorrow's great. 169 00:07:29,074 --> 00:07:30,492 -Around 3:00? -I'll see you then. 170 00:07:31,410 --> 00:07:33,078 That's my client. 171 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:35,122 Ah. See my card? 172 00:07:38,417 --> 00:07:40,586 I'm-a... need that back. 173 00:07:44,006 --> 00:07:45,090 (yawns) 174 00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:48,051 My God, I'm so tired. 175 00:07:48,093 --> 00:07:51,805 I'll bring in the dishes, Mama! 176 00:07:51,847 --> 00:07:53,599 Did I do it yet? 177 00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:55,225 ROSE: Forget about the dishes. 178 00:07:55,267 --> 00:07:57,102 Zelda will be here in the morning. 179 00:07:57,144 --> 00:07:59,104 I can't move. 180 00:07:59,146 --> 00:08:02,024 -I can't think. -Don't move. Don't think. 181 00:08:02,065 --> 00:08:03,817 Just drink. 182 00:08:03,859 --> 00:08:06,069 -You made your cocoa. -My Parisian cocoa. 183 00:08:06,111 --> 00:08:08,447 Oh, you haven't made this since I left for college. 184 00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:11,742 -Well, you're home now. I thought we'd celebrate. -Mmm! 185 00:08:11,783 --> 00:08:14,036 (sighs): Okay. 186 00:08:14,077 --> 00:08:16,622 -MIDGE: Mama, this is delicious. -ROSE: Mmm. 187 00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:18,290 Excuse me, Ethan. 188 00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:20,334 It is now after dinner. 189 00:08:20,375 --> 00:08:22,878 After dinner is my time to read. 190 00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:25,005 (dummy shouting on TV) 191 00:08:25,047 --> 00:08:26,423 Therefore... 192 00:08:26,465 --> 00:08:28,467 I need the room. 193 00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:33,180 Miriam, does your son not understand the word "therefore"? 194 00:08:33,222 --> 00:08:35,182 I feel like that's where I lost him. 195 00:08:35,224 --> 00:08:36,558 Do you need something, Papa? 196 00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:38,727 Yes. Please explain to your son that I need the room. 197 00:08:38,769 --> 00:08:41,313 -Why? -Because it's after dinner, 198 00:08:41,355 --> 00:08:43,106 and after dinner... 199 00:08:43,148 --> 00:08:45,525 Rose, please explain to your daughter that I need the room. 200 00:08:45,567 --> 00:08:47,778 -You can still read. -The television is on. 201 00:08:47,819 --> 00:08:50,822 -He'll turn it down. -I need silence. Complete silence. 202 00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:52,699 Abe, perhaps just for tonight. 203 00:08:52,741 --> 00:08:54,701 No, no "Abe, perhaps just for tonight." 204 00:08:54,743 --> 00:08:57,496 This is how I live my life, you both know this. 205 00:08:57,537 --> 00:09:00,374 -He's a little boy. -I know that, which is why I win. 206 00:09:00,415 --> 00:09:02,501 -You can go in your study, can't you? -(chuckles) 207 00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:03,919 I'm not falling for that again. 208 00:09:03,961 --> 00:09:06,213 -Please, Papa? -Nope. I'm turning it off. 209 00:09:06,255 --> 00:09:08,090 No, no, no, Papa, Papa, please don't! 210 00:09:08,131 --> 00:09:10,050 Have you ever been around Ethan when he can't watch Howdy Doody? 211 00:09:10,092 --> 00:09:11,510 Because it's terrible. Trust me. 212 00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:12,928 I'm saving you from something here. 213 00:09:12,970 --> 00:09:16,682 I will not be held hostage in my own home. 214 00:09:16,723 --> 00:09:18,350 -It's only temporary. -How do you know? 215 00:09:18,392 --> 00:09:19,977 You don't know how long you're gonna be here. 216 00:09:20,018 --> 00:09:21,770 It could be days, weeks, years. 217 00:09:21,812 --> 00:09:24,189 -It will not be years. -And I will not spend years 218 00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:25,899 adjusting to your needs. 219 00:09:25,941 --> 00:09:28,277 See, you have to adjust to mine, 220 00:09:28,318 --> 00:09:31,154 to ours, to your mother's needs, and mine. 221 00:09:31,196 --> 00:09:33,240 I don't mind if he watches the show. 222 00:09:33,282 --> 00:09:34,950 Will you just stick with me, please? 223 00:09:34,992 --> 00:09:36,618 I'm never taking you into battle. 224 00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:38,829 "I'll meet you later, once our side has won." 225 00:09:38,870 --> 00:09:40,831 I've got an idea-- why don't we just get 226 00:09:40,872 --> 00:09:42,082 another television set? 227 00:09:42,124 --> 00:09:43,750 -We could put it in Miriam's room. -Yes. 228 00:09:43,792 --> 00:09:45,544 -No. -A second television's a wonderful idea. 229 00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:48,005 Ethan could go into my room to watch his shows, and I can watch 230 00:09:48,046 --> 00:09:50,340 Jack Paar in there at night, so you don't have to hear it. 231 00:09:50,382 --> 00:09:51,508 I don't like Jack Paar. 232 00:09:51,550 --> 00:09:52,801 There are jugglers on Jack Paar. 233 00:09:52,843 --> 00:09:55,512 -See? -We are not paying for another TV 234 00:09:55,554 --> 00:09:57,889 just so that you can have Jack Paar in your bedroom. 235 00:09:57,931 --> 00:10:00,809 We only have this one in case of a national emergency. 236 00:10:00,851 --> 00:10:02,811 What about the TV you had in your apartment? 237 00:10:02,853 --> 00:10:04,563 It's in the basement. I could ask Mrs. Zuckerman 238 00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:05,814 -to bring it up tomorrow. -No. 239 00:10:05,856 --> 00:10:07,482 Yes! No. Thank you. 240 00:10:07,524 --> 00:10:09,151 That was Joel's TV. I don't want Joel's TV in here. 241 00:10:09,192 --> 00:10:11,153 I don't want Joel's TV in here, either. 242 00:10:11,194 --> 00:10:13,405 I don't even want this TV in here. 243 00:10:13,447 --> 00:10:15,115 That's it, I'm turning it off. 244 00:10:15,157 --> 00:10:17,075 That is that. 245 00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:21,163 -(screaming) -Oh, holy... 246 00:10:21,204 --> 00:10:22,831 (screaming stops) 247 00:10:22,873 --> 00:10:24,499 Okay. 248 00:10:24,541 --> 00:10:26,585 Just for this evening. 249 00:10:29,713 --> 00:10:31,465 I still control this house! 250 00:10:31,506 --> 00:10:33,967 I'm just doing it from in there. 251 00:10:35,385 --> 00:10:37,846 (horn honking in distance) 252 00:10:37,888 --> 00:10:40,015 Dinner was very good, wasn't it? 253 00:10:40,057 --> 00:10:42,476 Goulash seems to be a dish that suits all ages. 254 00:10:42,517 --> 00:10:44,478 I'll have Zelda add it to the rotation 255 00:10:44,519 --> 00:10:46,146 now that the children are here. 256 00:10:46,188 --> 00:10:48,148 I want you to talk to Miriam. 257 00:10:48,190 --> 00:10:49,483 About what? 258 00:10:49,524 --> 00:10:51,735 Her son eats with his mouth open. 259 00:10:51,777 --> 00:10:53,612 -It needs to stop. -He's three. 260 00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:56,031 When I was three, I could resole a shoe. 261 00:10:56,073 --> 00:10:58,867 I'm not sure that's a direct comparison. 262 00:10:58,909 --> 00:11:01,661 Well... we're doomed. 263 00:11:07,584 --> 00:11:10,712 You know this has been a very hard time for Miriam. 264 00:11:10,754 --> 00:11:12,839 So much upheaval so quickly. 265 00:11:12,881 --> 00:11:14,508 And you know her-- 266 00:11:14,549 --> 00:11:16,718 she thought she had the whole world figured out. 267 00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:19,137 (groans) I could've told her she didn't. 268 00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:20,972 I want her to be happy here. 269 00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:24,226 I want it to be a nice stay for her and the children. 270 00:11:24,267 --> 00:11:26,311 What's the harm in getting a second TV? 271 00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:28,438 -No. -We can afford it. 272 00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:30,690 And it would make everything so much calmer. 273 00:11:30,732 --> 00:11:33,443 I am not a two-TV set sort of man. 274 00:11:33,485 --> 00:11:35,529 Maybe other people have two TVs. 275 00:11:35,570 --> 00:11:37,489 Maybe Jack Paar has two TVs. 276 00:11:37,531 --> 00:11:39,282 But not me. 277 00:11:39,324 --> 00:11:40,826 End of discussion. 278 00:11:40,867 --> 00:11:42,244 Abe. 279 00:11:42,285 --> 00:11:44,663 I heard myself say, "End of discussion," 280 00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:47,499 and yet apparently it's not the end of the discussion. 281 00:11:47,541 --> 00:11:49,501 Miriam needs calm right now. 282 00:11:49,543 --> 00:11:51,837 She needs a sense of order and normalcy. 283 00:11:51,878 --> 00:11:56,466 I want her to be as happy as possible while she waits. 284 00:11:56,508 --> 00:11:59,219 -Waits for what? -For Joel to come back. 285 00:11:59,261 --> 00:12:01,638 -(groans): Oh, Rose. -Because he's going to come back, 286 00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:03,890 it's just a matter of time, and I want her 287 00:12:03,932 --> 00:12:06,685 as distracted and carefree as possible, 288 00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:08,854 because it will all be over soon. 289 00:12:08,895 --> 00:12:11,148 Rose, I... 290 00:12:12,190 --> 00:12:14,109 You what? 291 00:12:15,152 --> 00:12:16,736 I... 292 00:12:16,778 --> 00:12:19,114 (clock ticking) 293 00:12:19,156 --> 00:12:23,577 I'm fine with buying a second television set. 294 00:12:23,618 --> 00:12:26,204 Oh, thank you, Abe. 295 00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:28,748 And when Joel comes back, we'll get rid of it, 296 00:12:28,790 --> 00:12:32,002 and no one will ever know that for a brief, shining moment, 297 00:12:32,043 --> 00:12:35,464 you were a two-TV set sort of man. 298 00:12:35,505 --> 00:12:37,591 (clock ticking) 299 00:12:39,342 --> 00:12:41,303 (clock ticking) 300 00:12:46,641 --> 00:12:49,561 ♪ ♪ 301 00:13:09,915 --> 00:13:11,958 (lively guitar intro playing) 302 00:13:14,669 --> 00:13:17,172 ♪ Well, I was standing on the corner ♪ 303 00:13:17,214 --> 00:13:19,591 ♪ With a bucket in my hand ♪ 304 00:13:19,633 --> 00:13:22,427 ♪ I went looking for a woman ♪ 305 00:13:22,469 --> 00:13:24,054 ♪ That ain't got no man ♪ 306 00:13:24,095 --> 00:13:26,431 ♪ 'Cause my bucket's got a hole in it ♪ 307 00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:28,892 ♪ Yeah, my bucket's got a hole in it ♪ 308 00:13:28,934 --> 00:13:31,353 ♪ Yeah, my bucket's got a hole in it ♪ 309 00:13:31,394 --> 00:13:33,772 ♪ Won't hold no beer ♪ 310 00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:35,774 ♪ Well, it ain't no use... ♪ 311 00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:38,318 What do you think? They deserve a slot? 312 00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:41,196 -I don't like three guitars. -Goddamn it, Jackie. 313 00:13:41,238 --> 00:13:43,240 You have got to widen your basis for criticism. 314 00:13:43,281 --> 00:13:44,908 Is it good music? Are they entertaining? 315 00:13:44,950 --> 00:13:46,451 That's how you judge shit like this. 316 00:13:46,493 --> 00:13:47,953 Hey, I told you when I started working here, 317 00:13:47,994 --> 00:13:49,538 I didn't like music. 318 00:13:49,579 --> 00:13:51,540 Look, I'm gonna be branching out in my life. 319 00:13:51,581 --> 00:13:53,542 I need somebody to pick up the slack around here. 320 00:13:53,583 --> 00:13:55,627 -You have got to develop some taste. -Shit. 321 00:13:55,669 --> 00:13:58,255 Now look up there and tell me what you think. 322 00:13:58,296 --> 00:14:00,966 ♪ My bucket's got a hole in it ♪ 323 00:14:01,007 --> 00:14:02,884 I like dog acts. 324 00:14:02,926 --> 00:14:05,262 Oh, fuck off, Jackie. All right, all right. 325 00:14:05,303 --> 00:14:07,222 Stop. 10:45. 326 00:14:07,264 --> 00:14:09,432 And lose a guitar. Happy? 327 00:14:09,474 --> 00:14:11,268 I find your leadership confusing. 328 00:14:11,309 --> 00:14:12,644 Next. 329 00:14:12,686 --> 00:14:15,105 Number 34. 34, get up here. 330 00:14:15,146 --> 00:14:16,565 Oh, we're 34. 331 00:14:16,606 --> 00:14:17,816 Next. 332 00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:19,234 Go get a dog. 333 00:14:19,276 --> 00:14:20,944 Oh, you're such an asshole. Next. 334 00:14:20,986 --> 00:14:23,613 -35. 35. -WOMAN: Yes, that's me. 335 00:14:23,655 --> 00:14:26,283 Next. 336 00:14:26,324 --> 00:14:28,326 ♪ ♪ 337 00:14:29,744 --> 00:14:31,204 What spot's she getting? 338 00:14:31,246 --> 00:14:32,664 Are you kidding? She can't work here. 339 00:14:32,706 --> 00:14:34,541 But damn, I love the flute. 340 00:14:36,793 --> 00:14:38,461 Okay, back to business. 341 00:14:38,503 --> 00:14:40,171 -You're here. -I'm here and ready to work. 342 00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:42,132 Great. Now, I have been thinking 343 00:14:42,173 --> 00:14:43,967 I'd like to start getting you out there. 344 00:14:44,009 --> 00:14:45,844 Small clubs, maybe some amateur nights. 345 00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:47,304 But just get your sea legs. I mean, 346 00:14:47,345 --> 00:14:48,722 we don't even really know who you are yet. 347 00:14:48,763 --> 00:14:50,056 -What does that mean? -Well, I mean, 348 00:14:50,098 --> 00:14:51,433 what kind of comic are you? 349 00:14:51,474 --> 00:14:53,560 -Are you a planter or a stalker? -Stalker. 350 00:14:53,602 --> 00:14:56,146 Will you tell one-liners, stream of consciousness? 351 00:14:56,187 --> 00:14:58,231 -Stream of consciousness. -Personal? Political? 352 00:14:58,273 --> 00:14:59,858 Personal tinged by political. 353 00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:02,235 Okay. Well, I guess we do know who you are. 354 00:15:02,277 --> 00:15:04,362 But we have to figure out what you'll say. 355 00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:06,656 Yes. Good. Here. I brought this. 356 00:15:06,698 --> 00:15:08,742 -No. I don't want to read your diary. -It's not my diary. 357 00:15:08,783 --> 00:15:10,285 I don't care what your first time felt like. 358 00:15:10,327 --> 00:15:11,828 It's not my diary. It's a notebook 359 00:15:11,870 --> 00:15:13,830 -I write thoughts down in. -That's a fucking diary. 360 00:15:13,872 --> 00:15:15,123 -No, it's not. -I don't want to read 361 00:15:15,165 --> 00:15:16,750 the word "ponies" over and over and over. 362 00:15:16,791 --> 00:15:18,251 I write down thoughts for jokes. 363 00:15:18,293 --> 00:15:21,087 "Oh, I do wish Mitzi Gaynor was my very best friend." 364 00:15:21,129 --> 00:15:22,672 Just read, please. 365 00:15:22,714 --> 00:15:24,382 -JACKIE: Number 36. -MAN: Yeah, that's me. 366 00:15:25,759 --> 00:15:29,346 Okay. Well, there are thoughts here. 367 00:15:29,387 --> 00:15:32,015 -Thank you. -I do, however, see Mitzi Gaynor is mentioned. 368 00:15:32,057 --> 00:15:33,600 Well, come on, she's adorable. 369 00:15:33,642 --> 00:15:36,102 Fine, but there's more to think about besides material. 370 00:15:36,144 --> 00:15:37,937 Really? Like what? 371 00:15:37,979 --> 00:15:39,314 Holding for laughs. 372 00:15:39,356 --> 00:15:40,857 -What are you doing? -Taking notes. 373 00:15:40,899 --> 00:15:43,151 -Holding for laughs. -Uh, working the room. 374 00:15:43,193 --> 00:15:44,444 -Working the room. -Dealing with hecklers. 375 00:15:44,486 --> 00:15:45,904 How to enter, how to exit. 376 00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:47,864 How to use a mic; mics can be very tricky. 377 00:15:47,906 --> 00:15:49,324 Y-You ever here of Joe E. Lewis? 378 00:15:49,366 --> 00:15:51,451 -Of course. -They say mobsters cut his face 379 00:15:51,493 --> 00:15:53,119 'cause he didn't want to do a club date? Nope. 380 00:15:53,161 --> 00:15:54,371 Tripped on a mic cord. 381 00:15:54,412 --> 00:15:56,206 -What? -30% of all comics die 382 00:15:56,247 --> 00:15:58,958 -from cord-related injuries. -That's not true. 383 00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:01,169 -Well, it's up there. -Hey, what do you think about my name? 384 00:16:01,211 --> 00:16:03,046 Well, I wouldn't send my parents a thank-you card, 385 00:16:03,088 --> 00:16:04,381 but I've heard worse. 386 00:16:04,422 --> 00:16:05,882 -I think I need a new one. -Why? 387 00:16:05,924 --> 00:16:07,550 I don't want to use my real name. 388 00:16:07,592 --> 00:16:09,219 -Why not? -Because I don't want people to know 389 00:16:09,260 --> 00:16:10,720 I'm talking about me. I want them to think 390 00:16:10,762 --> 00:16:12,931 I'm talking about Tula Raine. 391 00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:15,475 -Huh? -That's a stripper name. 392 00:16:15,517 --> 00:16:17,644 -What about Lotte McAllister? -That's an Irish stripper name. 393 00:16:17,686 --> 00:16:19,354 -Use your real one. -No. 394 00:16:19,396 --> 00:16:21,272 Miriam Maisel's a person. 395 00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:23,900 -Anya Morgenstern... -Is my cleaning lady. No. 396 00:16:23,942 --> 00:16:25,819 -I'll keep thinking. - Oh, wait. I got something to show you. 397 00:16:25,860 --> 00:16:27,028 Huh? 398 00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:30,990 (hums) 399 00:16:35,412 --> 00:16:38,998 "Susie Myerson-- Personal Management." Cute. 400 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:41,042 I'm hand-making these things. As of now, I have eight, 401 00:16:41,084 --> 00:16:44,337 including the one you are holding, so I'd like it back. 402 00:16:44,379 --> 00:16:47,132 Oh, hey, Art Joley's doing a set at Cafe Wha? tonight. 403 00:16:47,173 --> 00:16:49,551 -You should check him out. -MIDGE: Who? 404 00:16:49,592 --> 00:16:51,261 What do you mean who? Art Joley? 405 00:16:51,302 --> 00:16:53,513 Guy just got a write-up in the Times last week. 406 00:16:53,555 --> 00:16:55,473 -Gonna make him a star. -I've never heard of him. 407 00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:56,766 What? 408 00:16:56,808 --> 00:16:58,268 Well, I've had some stuff going on. 409 00:16:58,309 --> 00:17:00,395 Jackie, I'm going out. 410 00:17:00,437 --> 00:17:01,771 Oh, come on. 411 00:17:01,813 --> 00:17:04,357 Let's go. Never heard of Art Joley... 412 00:17:04,399 --> 00:17:06,317 -Where are we going? -Just clip-clop. 413 00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:07,610 Wait, wait, wait. 414 00:17:07,652 --> 00:17:08,903 SUSIE: Get all your little things-- 415 00:17:08,945 --> 00:17:10,572 -your gloves and your little book... -Heels. 416 00:17:10,613 --> 00:17:12,115 ...and your knick-knacks-- let's go. 417 00:17:12,157 --> 00:17:14,159 ♪ ♪ 418 00:17:16,995 --> 00:17:18,496 (door bells jingle) 419 00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:21,332 Oh, I love this store. 420 00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:23,460 It's got texture. 421 00:17:23,501 --> 00:17:25,462 My father's study kind of smells like this. 422 00:17:25,503 --> 00:17:27,964 Hmm, like an armpit smoked a cigarette? 423 00:17:28,006 --> 00:17:31,009 Oh, this is the cutest thing ever. 424 00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:32,844 "Bing Crosby Sings Mother Goose." 425 00:17:32,886 --> 00:17:34,929 I had such a thing for Bing Crosby when I was little. 426 00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:36,556 Really? He's so oily looking. 427 00:17:36,598 --> 00:17:38,224 No, he's not. 428 00:17:38,266 --> 00:17:40,769 Like if you got on top of him, you'd slide right off. 429 00:17:40,810 --> 00:17:43,438 Never watching White Christmas again. 430 00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:45,106 "Tubby the Tuba." 431 00:17:45,148 --> 00:17:46,316 "Woody Woodpecker." 432 00:17:46,357 --> 00:17:47,776 Ethan would love this place. 433 00:17:47,817 --> 00:17:49,194 Come on, we didn't come to see this. 434 00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:50,528 There's more? 435 00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:52,947 ♪ Moon lights up the night ♪ 436 00:17:52,989 --> 00:17:54,532 (cat meows) 437 00:17:54,574 --> 00:17:57,577 ♪ I light up when you call my name ♪ 438 00:17:57,619 --> 00:17:59,788 ♪ And you know I'm gonna treat you right ♪ 439 00:17:59,829 --> 00:18:01,456 ♪ You give me fever... ♪ 440 00:18:01,498 --> 00:18:04,417 What is all this? 441 00:18:04,459 --> 00:18:06,169 Don't touch. Did you tell her not to touch? 442 00:18:06,211 --> 00:18:07,754 Uh, he doesn't want you to touch. 443 00:18:07,796 --> 00:18:09,506 -I'm picking up on that. -It's a private collection. 444 00:18:09,547 --> 00:18:11,132 Did you tell her it's a private collection, 445 00:18:11,174 --> 00:18:13,343 and that all sales are subject to the owner's approval? 446 00:18:13,384 --> 00:18:14,511 Tell her yourself. 447 00:18:14,552 --> 00:18:15,512 These guys have never spoken 448 00:18:15,553 --> 00:18:16,513 to a viable mate before. 449 00:18:16,554 --> 00:18:17,931 Virgil, Oz, meet Midge. 450 00:18:17,972 --> 00:18:19,599 Nice to meet you, fellas. 451 00:18:19,641 --> 00:18:21,893 Mm, pretty sure that's the sound of two guys 452 00:18:21,935 --> 00:18:23,311 spontaneously ejaculating. 453 00:18:23,353 --> 00:18:25,021 What is this place? 454 00:18:25,063 --> 00:18:28,024 Uh, part store, part museum, part archive. 455 00:18:28,066 --> 00:18:29,984 Sound about right, guys? 456 00:18:30,026 --> 00:18:31,444 Yeah, we lost 'em. 457 00:18:31,486 --> 00:18:33,863 These guys are insane collectors of sound. 458 00:18:33,905 --> 00:18:35,365 Whatever's not in a mainstream store, 459 00:18:35,406 --> 00:18:36,741 they seek out and find. 460 00:18:36,783 --> 00:18:39,369 My God, political speeches, concerts. 461 00:18:39,410 --> 00:18:42,872 "Mark Twain presenting at Royal Albert Hall, 1904." 462 00:18:42,914 --> 00:18:44,332 Did they even have recording devices then? 463 00:18:44,374 --> 00:18:45,708 This was an early application-- 464 00:18:45,750 --> 00:18:47,252 a, uh, articulated stylus incising... 465 00:18:47,293 --> 00:18:49,712 Bup-bup-bup. Nerd alert. Come here. 466 00:18:49,754 --> 00:18:53,466 This is the section I wanted to show you. 467 00:18:53,508 --> 00:18:56,928 Comedy recordings dating back 50-plus years. 468 00:18:56,970 --> 00:18:59,055 Your Mort Sahls, your Ernie Kovacs, they're great, 469 00:18:59,097 --> 00:19:00,473 but there is so much more out there. 470 00:19:00,515 --> 00:19:02,809 -What are these? -Oh, party records. 471 00:19:02,851 --> 00:19:04,769 They're a whole sub-genre. It's not really your style, 472 00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:06,062 but you should know who they are. 473 00:19:06,104 --> 00:19:08,022 -She should be wearing gloves. -I know. 474 00:19:08,064 --> 00:19:10,191 -Redd Foxx. Never heard of him. -Oh, you will. 475 00:19:10,233 --> 00:19:11,276 MIDGE: I'm gonna get this. 476 00:19:11,317 --> 00:19:12,986 -Go, go, go. -Okay, I'm going. 477 00:19:13,027 --> 00:19:14,946 How much? 478 00:19:14,988 --> 00:19:16,823 -That's not for sale. -SUSIE: Virgil... 479 00:19:16,865 --> 00:19:18,116 It's my only copy. 480 00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:19,909 -Virgil... -Buck-fifty. 481 00:19:19,951 --> 00:19:22,495 ♪ Tried to kill him... ♪ 482 00:19:22,537 --> 00:19:24,205 You know, I'm just realizing how much I don't know 483 00:19:24,247 --> 00:19:25,748 about everything. 484 00:19:25,790 --> 00:19:27,500 I feel like I've been living in a bubble, 485 00:19:27,542 --> 00:19:29,127 but I'm gonna catch up, you'll see. 486 00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:31,045 In college, no one could study better than I could. 487 00:19:31,087 --> 00:19:33,548 Research? No one was better at research than me. 488 00:19:33,590 --> 00:19:35,258 I had fabulous binders. 489 00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:37,427 So, where do we start? 490 00:19:37,468 --> 00:19:38,970 Well, are you free Tuesday night? 491 00:19:39,012 --> 00:19:40,346 I mean, we could go see some comics. 492 00:19:40,388 --> 00:19:42,432 Tuesday night, comics. It's a date. 493 00:19:42,473 --> 00:19:44,309 Thanks, boys. I'll be back. 494 00:19:44,350 --> 00:19:45,602 Go rinse off. 495 00:19:51,149 --> 00:19:53,735 I think this one is perfect. 496 00:19:53,776 --> 00:19:55,111 It will just fit on your dresser. 497 00:19:55,153 --> 00:19:57,155 Are you sure Papa's okay with a second TV? 498 00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:58,990 -Yes. -He seemed adamant. 499 00:19:59,032 --> 00:20:01,200 -Please, it's like the skates. -What skates? 500 00:20:01,242 --> 00:20:03,244 -When you were ten, you wanted skates. -(doorbell buzzes) 501 00:20:03,286 --> 00:20:04,996 Your father said no. You threw such a fit, 502 00:20:05,038 --> 00:20:06,205 he sent you to your room. 503 00:20:06,247 --> 00:20:08,499 Two days later, I got you skates. 504 00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:09,876 I got you this. It's what I do. 505 00:20:09,918 --> 00:20:11,085 -I get you things. -(elevator bell dings) 506 00:20:11,127 --> 00:20:13,171 Rose. 507 00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:14,797 Hello. It's been forever. 508 00:20:14,839 --> 00:20:16,507 Well, hello, Loretta. 509 00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:18,426 How are you, Jerry? 510 00:20:18,468 --> 00:20:20,219 I'm good. Thank you, Mrs. Maisel. 511 00:20:20,261 --> 00:20:21,930 Lobby, please. 512 00:20:24,390 --> 00:20:26,559 Miriam, you remember Loretta? 513 00:20:26,601 --> 00:20:28,019 Her mother lives in the penthouse. 514 00:20:28,061 --> 00:20:29,979 Miriam, how trim you look. 515 00:20:30,021 --> 00:20:32,857 The last time I saw you, you were enormous. 516 00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:35,443 -Well, I was pregnant. -If I had a nickel. 517 00:20:35,485 --> 00:20:37,904 You look wonderful yourself, Loretta. 518 00:20:37,946 --> 00:20:39,656 I had half my intestine out. 519 00:20:39,697 --> 00:20:41,199 So, Rose, catch me up. 520 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,242 You played hooky from canasta last week. 521 00:20:43,284 --> 00:20:45,244 Oh, well, we've been very busy. 522 00:20:45,286 --> 00:20:46,996 Joel-- you remember Joel-- 523 00:20:47,038 --> 00:20:49,540 he got a big promotion, which is wonderful, 524 00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:52,126 except it keeps him traveling constantly. 525 00:20:52,168 --> 00:20:54,379 But it's just so much more money. 526 00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:55,922 He couldn't say no. 527 00:20:55,964 --> 00:20:58,049 So Miriam decided to remodel their apartment, 528 00:20:58,091 --> 00:20:59,509 and that's been going on for months. 529 00:20:59,550 --> 00:21:01,135 Their place is a shambles. 530 00:21:01,177 --> 00:21:02,804 Miriam and the children have been living with us 531 00:21:02,845 --> 00:21:05,264 until Joel gets back to throttle that contractor. 532 00:21:05,306 --> 00:21:07,183 I can't wait to see the final product. 533 00:21:07,225 --> 00:21:09,394 We'll have a party-- you'll be the first one in the door. 534 00:21:09,435 --> 00:21:11,437 (elevator bell dings) 535 00:21:11,479 --> 00:21:13,690 Congratulations on Joel's promotion. 536 00:21:13,731 --> 00:21:16,776 -You must be bursting. -I am. 537 00:21:16,818 --> 00:21:18,444 Shall we? 538 00:21:21,030 --> 00:21:22,740 (laughter) 539 00:21:22,782 --> 00:21:25,159 REDD FOXX (on record): A guy went to a private detective, 540 00:21:25,201 --> 00:21:27,161 he said, "Listen, I want you to find me 541 00:21:27,203 --> 00:21:29,706 a pretty girl with $500." 542 00:21:29,747 --> 00:21:32,041 The guy say, "I found you a pretty girl yesterday." 543 00:21:32,083 --> 00:21:33,584 He said, "Well, you better find her again, 544 00:21:33,626 --> 00:21:35,378 'cause she got my $500." 545 00:21:35,420 --> 00:21:37,714 (laughs) 546 00:21:41,884 --> 00:21:44,137 Two babies were talking once in the hospital, 547 00:21:44,178 --> 00:21:46,180 and one asked the other, said, "How you like to be fed, 548 00:21:46,222 --> 00:21:48,558 by the bottle or by the other way?" 549 00:21:48,599 --> 00:21:50,852 (laughter on record) 550 00:21:50,893 --> 00:21:52,103 -(knocking on door) -The baby say, 551 00:21:52,145 --> 00:21:53,563 "I'd rather be fed by the bottle, 552 00:21:53,604 --> 00:21:56,232 because the other way I get too many ashes in my eyes." 553 00:21:56,274 --> 00:21:58,151 -(record scratches) -My God. 554 00:21:58,192 --> 00:21:59,736 I was banging on your door like the grim reaper. 555 00:21:59,777 --> 00:22:00,778 Didn't you hear me? 556 00:22:00,820 --> 00:22:02,155 No, Mama. 557 00:22:02,196 --> 00:22:03,656 What are you listening to? 558 00:22:03,698 --> 00:22:04,782 Nothing, Mama. 559 00:22:04,824 --> 00:22:06,909 Well, dinner is ready. 560 00:22:06,951 --> 00:22:08,411 It's getting cold. Lamb curry. 561 00:22:08,453 --> 00:22:09,954 I'll be out in a minute, Mama. 562 00:22:13,374 --> 00:22:15,209 (door closes) 563 00:22:15,251 --> 00:22:17,253 Oh... 564 00:22:17,295 --> 00:22:18,504 ROSE: We can take the lamb curry 565 00:22:18,546 --> 00:22:20,173 off the children-approved meals. 566 00:22:20,214 --> 00:22:22,008 Zelda gave Ethan a peanut butter sandwich 567 00:22:22,050 --> 00:22:23,468 and sent him to bed. 568 00:22:23,509 --> 00:22:25,762 He's a picky one, that son of mine. 569 00:22:25,803 --> 00:22:27,680 I talked to Mr. Zuckerman. 570 00:22:27,722 --> 00:22:29,390 He's agreed to store all of your furniture 571 00:22:29,432 --> 00:22:30,850 for the next two months. 572 00:22:30,892 --> 00:22:32,518 -So it worked. -Of course it worked. 573 00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:33,895 -What worked? -Nothing, Abe. 574 00:22:33,936 --> 00:22:35,354 It worked, nothing worked... 575 00:22:35,396 --> 00:22:36,355 ROSE: Two months is 576 00:22:36,397 --> 00:22:37,774 a good amount of time. 577 00:22:37,815 --> 00:22:39,400 Things should definitely sort themselves out 578 00:22:39,442 --> 00:22:40,568 in two months. 579 00:22:40,610 --> 00:22:42,153 You know, I read in the paper 580 00:22:42,195 --> 00:22:43,780 that Senator Kennedy is gonna run for president. 581 00:22:43,821 --> 00:22:44,989 ABE: That pretty boy? 582 00:22:45,031 --> 00:22:46,157 Just because he's attractive 583 00:22:46,199 --> 00:22:47,325 doesn't mean he's unqualified. 584 00:22:47,366 --> 00:22:48,743 Of course it does. 585 00:22:48,785 --> 00:22:50,953 To be truly effective, you must be ugly. 586 00:22:50,995 --> 00:22:52,246 -That's ridiculous. -(phone rings) 587 00:22:52,288 --> 00:22:53,539 I'll get it. 588 00:22:53,581 --> 00:22:55,750 Look at all the great thinkers of our time. 589 00:22:55,792 --> 00:22:57,627 -The great men. -The great women. 590 00:22:57,668 --> 00:22:59,045 -Especially the women. -ROSE: Hello? 591 00:22:59,087 --> 00:23:00,588 -They are all, to a tee... -ROSE: Hello? 592 00:23:00,630 --> 00:23:03,174 ...extremely unpleasant to look at. 593 00:23:03,216 --> 00:23:05,093 I think Senator Kennedy's brilliant. 594 00:23:05,134 --> 00:23:07,053 Of course you do. And when did you start 595 00:23:07,095 --> 00:23:08,679 -to read the paper? -ROSE: They hung up. 596 00:23:08,721 --> 00:23:11,766 -I read the paper. -Yeah, only the shoe ads. 597 00:23:11,808 --> 00:23:13,142 You don't like Kennedy 598 00:23:13,184 --> 00:23:14,435 -because he's wealthy. -Shady money. 599 00:23:14,477 --> 00:23:16,437 So you hate him because of his father. 600 00:23:16,479 --> 00:23:18,272 His father is a terrible man. 601 00:23:18,314 --> 00:23:20,525 An anti-Semite, an isolationist. 602 00:23:20,566 --> 00:23:22,944 -(phone rings) -I'll get it. 603 00:23:25,154 --> 00:23:26,322 Why are you doing this? 604 00:23:26,364 --> 00:23:27,490 -ABE: Hello? -Doing what? 605 00:23:27,532 --> 00:23:28,741 You're baiting your father. 606 00:23:28,783 --> 00:23:30,076 -I'm not. -ABE: Hello? 607 00:23:30,118 --> 00:23:31,536 He shares his opinion, I share mine. 608 00:23:31,577 --> 00:23:33,621 Well, don't do that. Just let him win. 609 00:23:33,663 --> 00:23:36,916 -They hung up. (clears throat) -ROSE: Oh. 610 00:23:36,958 --> 00:23:38,209 So, if you don't like Kennedy, 611 00:23:38,251 --> 00:23:39,502 who do you want for president, Nixon? 612 00:23:39,544 --> 00:23:41,045 Oh, my God. 613 00:23:41,087 --> 00:23:43,673 When Richard Milhous Nixon becomes president, 614 00:23:43,714 --> 00:23:44,799 we move to France. 615 00:23:44,841 --> 00:23:46,092 I would love to move to France. 616 00:23:46,134 --> 00:23:47,635 We're not moving to France. 617 00:23:47,677 --> 00:23:49,387 -(phone rings) -I'll get it. 618 00:23:53,724 --> 00:23:55,101 Hello, Joel. 619 00:23:55,143 --> 00:23:56,519 JOEL: Wasn't sure you'd remember our system. 620 00:23:56,561 --> 00:23:57,937 I remember it. 621 00:23:57,979 --> 00:23:59,480 It's been a while since we were dating. 622 00:23:59,522 --> 00:24:01,190 I came up with the system. 623 00:24:01,232 --> 00:24:03,651 -So, you called? -Yeah, yeah. 624 00:24:03,693 --> 00:24:05,319 I just, uh, thought you should know 625 00:24:05,361 --> 00:24:08,156 that I got a place, an apartment. 626 00:24:08,197 --> 00:24:10,825 Figured it was time to get out of Archie and Imogene's. 627 00:24:10,867 --> 00:24:12,285 I'm sure it was. 628 00:24:12,326 --> 00:24:14,412 JOEL: So, uh, now that I have my own place, 629 00:24:14,453 --> 00:24:16,330 I... I'd like to see Ethan a little more, 630 00:24:16,372 --> 00:24:17,415 if that's all right. 631 00:24:17,456 --> 00:24:20,835 Oh, uh, well, 632 00:24:20,877 --> 00:24:23,254 tell me about this new place of yours. 633 00:24:23,296 --> 00:24:24,964 JOEL: Nothing much to tell. (chuckles) 634 00:24:25,006 --> 00:24:26,966 Is it appropriate for Ethan? 635 00:24:27,008 --> 00:24:29,719 It's not one of those downtown, fifth floor walk-ups 636 00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:31,762 with no hot water and a bathtub in the kitchen, is it? 637 00:24:31,804 --> 00:24:34,640 No, no. Bathtub's down the hall. (chuckles) 638 00:24:34,682 --> 00:24:37,018 -Ha ha. -No, it-it's not a palace, 639 00:24:37,059 --> 00:24:40,521 but, uh, it's clean, it's got an elevator, 640 00:24:40,563 --> 00:24:42,690 and, uh, there's a bed for him 641 00:24:42,732 --> 00:24:45,610 if he wants to nap or stay over. 642 00:24:45,651 --> 00:24:48,321 -Well, that sounds fine. -So, maybe tomorrow? 643 00:24:48,362 --> 00:24:50,281 You could drop him by the office. 644 00:24:50,323 --> 00:24:52,200 He always likes emptying the staplers. 645 00:24:52,241 --> 00:24:54,035 Drives everyone crazy the next day, but... 646 00:24:54,076 --> 00:24:56,120 I have no interest in stopping by your office. 647 00:24:56,162 --> 00:24:59,373 Oh. Yeah, sorry. 648 00:24:59,415 --> 00:25:03,169 Um, well, I-I could come pick him up, then. 649 00:25:03,211 --> 00:25:05,087 I'll just swing by your place around 5:00? 650 00:25:05,129 --> 00:25:06,422 5:00 is fine. 651 00:25:06,464 --> 00:25:08,257 -Thank you. -You're welcome. 652 00:25:08,299 --> 00:25:11,052 So... how are you? 653 00:25:11,093 --> 00:25:13,179 Okay, see you tomorrow at 5:00. 654 00:25:13,221 --> 00:25:17,558 ♪ ♪ 655 00:25:17,600 --> 00:25:19,560 (playing "On the Sunny Side of the Street") 656 00:25:19,602 --> 00:25:21,604 ♪ ♪ 657 00:25:32,198 --> 00:25:34,283 ETHAN: Piano. 658 00:25:34,325 --> 00:25:36,160 That's fun, isn't it? 659 00:25:36,202 --> 00:25:38,996 Hey, maybe I can get you some lessons, now that-- wow. 660 00:25:39,038 --> 00:25:42,750 Immediate loss of interest. The boy becomes a man. 661 00:25:42,792 --> 00:25:46,337 Hey, Ethan, don't run away from me like that, okay? 662 00:25:46,379 --> 00:25:48,130 It's fine. He's more than welcome. 663 00:25:48,172 --> 00:25:50,007 -Oh, thank-- oh! -I'm so sorry. 664 00:25:50,049 --> 00:25:52,093 -That's-- oh, oh, I think you broke a heel. -Oh, did I? 665 00:25:52,134 --> 00:25:54,136 I'm just so late. I'll fix it later. 666 00:25:54,178 --> 00:25:55,721 I hope she hasn't spoken yet. 667 00:25:55,763 --> 00:25:57,223 (crowd cheering nearby) 668 00:25:57,265 --> 00:25:58,849 JANE JACOBS: And, as of today, 669 00:25:58,891 --> 00:26:02,019 the Board of Estimates has passed a resolution 670 00:26:02,061 --> 00:26:06,107 to authorize the temporary closing of the park 671 00:26:06,148 --> 00:26:08,317 to all traffic. 672 00:26:08,359 --> 00:26:09,485 (cheers and applause) 673 00:26:09,527 --> 00:26:11,070 Hey, what's going on? 674 00:26:11,112 --> 00:26:12,405 Shh, Jane's speaking. 675 00:26:12,446 --> 00:26:13,781 -Jane who? -Jane Jacobs. 676 00:26:13,823 --> 00:26:15,700 Yes. Uh, who is Jane Jacobs? 677 00:26:15,741 --> 00:26:17,410 -You've never heard of Jane Jacobs? -No. 678 00:26:17,451 --> 00:26:18,828 -Where have you been? -The Upper West Side. 679 00:26:18,869 --> 00:26:19,870 (chuckles) Here. 680 00:26:19,912 --> 00:26:22,623 This battle is our battle, 681 00:26:22,665 --> 00:26:24,417 the people of Greenwich Village. 682 00:26:24,458 --> 00:26:27,628 The ones who understand that cities are made up 683 00:26:27,670 --> 00:26:30,339 of more than buildings and roads. 684 00:26:30,381 --> 00:26:32,216 People make up a city. 685 00:26:32,258 --> 00:26:35,094 (cheers and applause) 686 00:26:35,136 --> 00:26:36,554 I don't understand. It says that they want 687 00:26:36,595 --> 00:26:38,180 to build a road. Where? 688 00:26:38,222 --> 00:26:40,057 Here. Right through the middle of the park. 689 00:26:40,099 --> 00:26:42,268 This park? This beautiful park? 690 00:26:42,310 --> 00:26:44,520 Oh, I don't believe that. You must have read this wrong. 691 00:26:44,562 --> 00:26:49,442 All of you who came out today and marched and made signs, 692 00:26:49,483 --> 00:26:52,445 you have made your voices heard. 693 00:26:52,486 --> 00:26:56,115 So, today, it should be your voice speaking. 694 00:26:56,157 --> 00:26:57,992 (cheers and applause) 695 00:26:58,034 --> 00:26:59,785 You read this right. Wow. 696 00:26:59,827 --> 00:27:01,620 JACOBS: It's your park, it's your city. 697 00:27:01,662 --> 00:27:04,123 You should tell your stories. 698 00:27:04,165 --> 00:27:07,793 Anyone who wishes to speak, come up and speak. 699 00:27:07,835 --> 00:27:11,589 Just do it loud enough that Robert Moses can hear you 700 00:27:11,630 --> 00:27:14,800 over his bulldozers. 701 00:27:14,842 --> 00:27:15,801 -Yes! -(crowd cheering) 702 00:27:15,843 --> 00:27:17,136 Who is Robert Moses? 703 00:27:17,178 --> 00:27:19,138 The road is his idea. 704 00:27:19,180 --> 00:27:21,390 What a son of a bitch. 705 00:27:21,432 --> 00:27:23,642 You there-- you seem to have a lot to say. 706 00:27:23,684 --> 00:27:26,270 Who, me? Oh, no, I-I just got this, 707 00:27:26,312 --> 00:27:29,065 and it-it's just terrible. Somebody should do something. 708 00:27:29,106 --> 00:27:30,608 -We are. -(crowd laughs) 709 00:27:30,649 --> 00:27:32,318 Yes, you are. I see. 710 00:27:32,360 --> 00:27:34,403 Uh, this is a very impressive gathering. 711 00:27:34,445 --> 00:27:37,573 Why don't you come up and share your story? 712 00:27:37,615 --> 00:27:39,116 Me? Oh, uh, well... 713 00:27:39,158 --> 00:27:40,451 Come on up. 714 00:27:40,493 --> 00:27:42,828 Share your story. 715 00:27:42,870 --> 00:27:44,872 (crowd cheering) 716 00:27:50,002 --> 00:27:53,214 Hello. My name is Miriam Maisel. 717 00:27:53,255 --> 00:27:55,049 Oh, uh, "Midge" is fine, actually. 718 00:27:55,091 --> 00:27:58,177 So... I don't live anywhere near here. 719 00:27:58,219 --> 00:28:01,639 And I have absolutely no idea what's going on, at all. 720 00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:03,557 I mean, five minutes ago, I was buying records for my son, 721 00:28:03,599 --> 00:28:05,142 and he wanted to walk through the park and then 722 00:28:05,184 --> 00:28:06,769 I stumbled upon this rally and I was like, 723 00:28:06,811 --> 00:28:09,939 "So many women in one place-- two-for-one pantyhose?" 724 00:28:09,980 --> 00:28:12,566 And then I heard about you... 725 00:28:12,608 --> 00:28:14,610 and you... 726 00:28:14,652 --> 00:28:17,696 and-and this so-called Robert Moses? 727 00:28:17,738 --> 00:28:18,989 Well, I mean, he's not "so-called," 728 00:28:19,031 --> 00:28:20,658 but he sounds terrible. And I'm... 729 00:28:20,699 --> 00:28:23,536 I-I'm kicking myself for being so out of the loop. 730 00:28:23,577 --> 00:28:25,788 I'm trying to read more papers lately. It's interesting-- 731 00:28:25,830 --> 00:28:27,748 my father pointed out that my favorite part about a newspaper 732 00:28:27,790 --> 00:28:29,208 is the ads for shoes. 733 00:28:29,250 --> 00:28:32,086 And I felt bad about that, but now I think 734 00:28:32,128 --> 00:28:35,840 maybe they just put those ads in newspapers to distract us. 735 00:28:35,881 --> 00:28:38,050 -ALL: Yeah! -Because if women don't realize 736 00:28:38,092 --> 00:28:41,971 what's going on in the world, they won't step in and fix it. 737 00:28:42,012 --> 00:28:43,639 Oh, that's good. Write that down. 738 00:28:43,681 --> 00:28:46,100 Because they will fix it. 739 00:28:46,142 --> 00:28:47,685 (crowd cheering) 740 00:28:47,726 --> 00:28:51,230 -And accessorize it! -(cheering grows louder) 741 00:28:51,272 --> 00:28:52,565 MRS. MOSKOWITZ (over phone): Joel Maisel's office. 742 00:28:52,606 --> 00:28:53,899 Hello? 743 00:28:53,941 --> 00:28:56,026 Yes, this is Joel Maisel's office. 744 00:28:56,068 --> 00:28:57,111 Who is this? 745 00:28:57,153 --> 00:28:58,404 This is Mrs. Moskowitz. 746 00:28:58,446 --> 00:28:59,613 Who is this? 747 00:28:59,655 --> 00:29:01,198 I'm Mrs. Maisel. 748 00:29:01,240 --> 00:29:03,242 (chuckling): Oh. Any relation? 749 00:29:03,284 --> 00:29:06,829 Uh, yes. Listen, I-I'm supposed to meet Mr. Maisel tonight. 750 00:29:06,871 --> 00:29:08,414 He's taking his son for the evening, 751 00:29:08,456 --> 00:29:10,124 but I got hung up, and I'm not gonna be able 752 00:29:10,166 --> 00:29:11,917 to make it uptown in time to meet him. 753 00:29:11,959 --> 00:29:14,295 -"Mrs. Maisel"? -And since I'm already downtown, 754 00:29:14,336 --> 00:29:16,464 I thought maybe I could just drop Ethan by Joel's new place, 755 00:29:16,505 --> 00:29:17,965 but I don't have his new address. 756 00:29:18,007 --> 00:29:19,508 Oh, well, I can give you that. 757 00:29:19,550 --> 00:29:21,677 Let's see here. 758 00:29:21,719 --> 00:29:23,304 Uh, there it is. 759 00:29:23,345 --> 00:29:27,224 715 West 116th Street. 760 00:29:27,266 --> 00:29:29,727 -E-Excuse me? -Is that wrong? 761 00:29:29,768 --> 00:29:31,729 Yes, it-it must be wrong. I meant his new address, 762 00:29:31,770 --> 00:29:33,022 for his new apartment. 763 00:29:33,063 --> 00:29:34,982 -Yes. -Yes, what? 764 00:29:35,024 --> 00:29:36,358 That's his new address. 765 00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:38,110 Oh. 766 00:29:38,152 --> 00:29:41,322 I-I just assumed-- he-he didn't move downtown? 767 00:29:41,363 --> 00:29:43,824 Is 116th Street downtown? 768 00:29:43,866 --> 00:29:45,034 -No. -Oh. 769 00:29:45,075 --> 00:29:47,411 Well, I live in Queens so... 770 00:29:47,453 --> 00:29:48,704 All right. Thank-- well, thank you for your help. 771 00:29:48,746 --> 00:29:50,289 Mrs. Maisel! 772 00:29:50,331 --> 00:29:51,832 You're his wife... 773 00:30:11,894 --> 00:30:13,938 Can I help you? 774 00:30:13,979 --> 00:30:16,690 Uh, Joel Maisel? 775 00:30:16,732 --> 00:30:18,734 DOORMAN: 3C. 776 00:30:24,782 --> 00:30:25,741 (elevator bell dings) 777 00:30:25,783 --> 00:30:27,785 -Evening. -3C. 778 00:30:32,831 --> 00:30:33,999 (elevator bell dings) 779 00:30:34,041 --> 00:30:36,043 Third floor. 780 00:30:55,646 --> 00:30:57,648 -(door locks) -PENNY: Joel! Joel! 781 00:30:57,690 --> 00:30:59,650 -JOEL: What? -PENNY: Midge is here. 782 00:30:59,692 --> 00:31:01,110 (footsteps approaching) 783 00:31:03,153 --> 00:31:05,656 -What are you doing here? -I'm dropping off your son. 784 00:31:05,698 --> 00:31:07,783 I went by the house to get him. You weren't there. 785 00:31:07,825 --> 00:31:09,076 I know. I got held up. 786 00:31:09,118 --> 00:31:10,452 So, let's see the new digs. 787 00:31:17,251 --> 00:31:18,961 Huh. 788 00:31:19,003 --> 00:31:20,546 Interesting. 789 00:31:20,588 --> 00:31:22,339 -Hi-ya. -I was worried. 790 00:31:22,381 --> 00:31:23,632 You should've called. 791 00:31:23,674 --> 00:31:25,342 Hey, pal. 792 00:31:25,384 --> 00:31:26,927 Hey, Daddy. We got records. 793 00:31:26,969 --> 00:31:28,679 JOEL: Well, that's great, that's great. 794 00:31:28,721 --> 00:31:31,015 I did call. I talked to your secretary. 795 00:31:31,056 --> 00:31:32,641 Better watch that one. You know secretaries. 796 00:31:32,683 --> 00:31:34,768 Okay, so, I'm glad you're okay. 797 00:31:34,810 --> 00:31:37,855 -Thank you for dropping him off. -You are welcome. 798 00:31:37,896 --> 00:31:40,774 Hey, ducks. 799 00:31:40,816 --> 00:31:43,110 So, your apartment. 800 00:31:43,152 --> 00:31:44,903 It's nice, it's really nice. 801 00:31:44,945 --> 00:31:47,531 -Thank you. -In fact, it looks an awful lot like our place. 802 00:31:47,573 --> 00:31:49,033 -What? -The building, the hallway, 803 00:31:49,074 --> 00:31:50,743 the old man in the elevator. 804 00:31:50,784 --> 00:31:52,077 -Midge. -And isn't that the couch I wanted to buy, 805 00:31:52,119 --> 00:31:53,871 but you said was too deep? 806 00:31:53,912 --> 00:31:55,539 -I don't remember what couch you... -You know, it's funny, 807 00:31:55,581 --> 00:31:57,166 I thought I'd find you squatting 808 00:31:57,207 --> 00:32:00,169 in some downtown, smoke-filled atelier, 809 00:32:00,210 --> 00:32:04,298 not two blocks away, living the Methodist version of our life. 810 00:32:04,340 --> 00:32:07,217 With the Methodist version of me. 811 00:32:07,259 --> 00:32:08,677 Does she have an "on" switch? 812 00:32:08,719 --> 00:32:10,929 Ethan's good now, you can go if you want. 813 00:32:10,971 --> 00:32:13,098 No, he was throwing up earlier. I figure I should stay around 814 00:32:13,140 --> 00:32:14,933 a minute, make sure he's not gonna blow again. 815 00:32:14,975 --> 00:32:16,560 -What? -You know what's funny? 816 00:32:16,602 --> 00:32:18,312 I don't have my apartment anymore. 817 00:32:18,354 --> 00:32:19,605 You have my apartment. 818 00:32:19,647 --> 00:32:21,482 You have a lot of my things, actually. 819 00:32:21,523 --> 00:32:23,525 -You're welcome. -(timer dings) 820 00:32:23,567 --> 00:32:24,943 -Dinner? -Yes. 821 00:32:24,985 --> 00:32:26,487 -What? -Pot roast. 822 00:32:26,528 --> 00:32:28,864 The Methodist version of brisket. 823 00:32:28,906 --> 00:32:31,492 Can we discuss this some other time? Please? 824 00:32:31,533 --> 00:32:34,411 Uh, where's he going? Where's he going? 825 00:32:34,453 --> 00:32:35,746 JOEL: Boy. 826 00:32:35,788 --> 00:32:37,373 Do you know how to make an entrance. 827 00:32:37,414 --> 00:32:38,916 So is this what you were missing, Joel? 828 00:32:38,957 --> 00:32:40,250 Pot roast and Santa Claus? 829 00:32:40,292 --> 00:32:41,669 I don't want to talk about this here. 830 00:32:41,710 --> 00:32:43,170 Should we get lunch somewhere? 831 00:32:43,212 --> 00:32:45,089 Is there a mayonnaise and Wonder Bread cafe 832 00:32:45,130 --> 00:32:46,465 opening up somewhere we could try? 833 00:32:46,507 --> 00:32:48,217 I was gonna come pick him up. 834 00:32:48,258 --> 00:32:50,969 I was gonna come to you so that you wouldn't have to come here. 835 00:32:51,011 --> 00:32:52,971 You are a prince, a real prince. 836 00:32:53,013 --> 00:32:54,932 I hope Penny knows what a prince you are. 837 00:32:54,973 --> 00:32:56,183 I don't understand you, Midge. 838 00:32:56,225 --> 00:32:57,476 You don't understand me? 839 00:32:57,518 --> 00:32:58,644 Me? Me? 840 00:32:58,686 --> 00:32:59,853 I said I'd come back. 841 00:32:59,895 --> 00:33:01,397 -Remember? -Oh, boy. 842 00:33:01,438 --> 00:33:03,565 I came to you and I said let's try again. 843 00:33:03,607 --> 00:33:05,317 -You said no. -Oh, no, uh-uh. 844 00:33:05,359 --> 00:33:06,568 You don't get to rewrite this. 845 00:33:06,610 --> 00:33:08,237 You're the one who left. Not me. 846 00:33:08,278 --> 00:33:10,072 I'm the good guy, you're the bad guy. 847 00:33:10,114 --> 00:33:11,907 Stamp it, ship it, that's all she wrote, folks. 848 00:33:11,949 --> 00:33:13,534 -Fine. -When are you coming to get your things? 849 00:33:13,575 --> 00:33:15,285 -I don't know. -You have things at my house 850 00:33:15,327 --> 00:33:17,287 -and I want them gone. -You said you'd pack them up. 851 00:33:17,329 --> 00:33:19,498 I'm not packing up your things. Penny can pack up your things. 852 00:33:19,540 --> 00:33:21,250 Or you can buy new things, for your new life. 853 00:33:21,291 --> 00:33:23,043 -I'll come get them. -Not when I'm home. 854 00:33:23,085 --> 00:33:25,254 Fine, I'll come get my things when you're not home. 855 00:33:25,295 --> 00:33:26,797 -Because we're four. -You're four. 856 00:33:26,839 --> 00:33:28,132 And I want my notebook. 857 00:33:28,173 --> 00:33:29,591 -What notebook? -My comedy notebook. 858 00:33:29,633 --> 00:33:30,801 You mean my comedy notebook. 859 00:33:30,843 --> 00:33:32,219 It was about me. 860 00:33:32,261 --> 00:33:33,595 Everything's about you. 861 00:33:33,637 --> 00:33:34,805 I want it. 862 00:33:34,847 --> 00:33:36,014 Why? You quit, remember? 863 00:33:36,056 --> 00:33:37,474 I might try again. 864 00:33:37,516 --> 00:33:39,226 You don't know. It's mine, I want it. 865 00:33:39,268 --> 00:33:41,478 Well, I-I don't know where it is, but even if I did, 866 00:33:41,520 --> 00:33:43,230 as long as you have Bob Newhart's album, 867 00:33:43,272 --> 00:33:44,440 you'll be fine. 868 00:33:44,481 --> 00:33:45,607 (scoffs) 869 00:33:45,649 --> 00:33:46,942 Low blow, Midge. 870 00:33:46,984 --> 00:33:48,026 You said you didn't want our life. 871 00:33:48,068 --> 00:33:49,653 But this is our life. 872 00:33:49,695 --> 00:33:51,947 Y-You didn't go somewhere exotic or different, 873 00:33:51,989 --> 00:33:53,741 you went across the fucking street. 874 00:33:53,782 --> 00:33:55,492 -I had to. -You had to? 875 00:33:55,534 --> 00:33:57,619 -Why? Tell me why. -It doesn't even... 876 00:33:57,661 --> 00:33:58,829 Goddamn it, Joel, I'll do it. 877 00:33:58,871 --> 00:34:00,956 Because... 878 00:34:00,998 --> 00:34:03,709 after that night, at the club, after I failed like that, 879 00:34:03,751 --> 00:34:06,462 I just knew you'd never look at me the same again. 880 00:34:06,503 --> 00:34:08,464 You tell me I'm not right. 881 00:34:08,505 --> 00:34:10,466 Well, you're right. 882 00:34:10,507 --> 00:34:12,801 Just not about the club part. 883 00:34:14,678 --> 00:34:16,680 Sorry I got you mixed up in this. 884 00:34:19,141 --> 00:34:22,519 Tell Ethan I'll pick him up tomorrow. 885 00:34:22,561 --> 00:34:25,147 Don't baptize him while I'm gone. 886 00:34:30,027 --> 00:34:31,236 (door slams) 887 00:34:33,238 --> 00:34:36,617 ♪ The gentleman is a dope ♪ 888 00:34:36,658 --> 00:34:39,995 ♪ A man of many faults ♪ 889 00:34:40,037 --> 00:34:43,081 ♪ A clumsy joe who wouldn't know ♪ 890 00:34:43,123 --> 00:34:46,460 ♪ A rhumba from a waltz ♪ 891 00:34:46,502 --> 00:34:49,463 ♪ The gentleman is a dope ♪ 892 00:34:49,505 --> 00:34:53,342 ♪ And not my cup of tea ♪ 893 00:34:53,383 --> 00:34:56,345 ♪ Why do I get in a dither? ♪ 894 00:34:56,386 --> 00:35:00,682 ♪ He doesn't belong to me ♪ 895 00:35:02,726 --> 00:35:07,981 ♪ He'll never belong to me. ♪ 896 00:35:09,858 --> 00:35:11,819 Well, that's a smell. 897 00:35:11,860 --> 00:35:13,487 First stop of the night, ladies and gentlemen. 898 00:35:13,529 --> 00:35:16,031 Now, this shithole is kind of an off-the-grid place. 899 00:35:16,073 --> 00:35:17,616 Established comics do not come here 900 00:35:17,658 --> 00:35:18,826 unless they're trying out material 901 00:35:18,867 --> 00:35:20,118 they want no one to see. 902 00:35:20,160 --> 00:35:21,537 Bookers do not come here. 903 00:35:21,578 --> 00:35:23,372 You will never see Jack Paar represented here 904 00:35:23,413 --> 00:35:25,207 in any way, shape or form. 905 00:35:25,249 --> 00:35:26,875 My father will be very relieved. 906 00:35:26,917 --> 00:35:28,460 What are you doing? 907 00:35:28,502 --> 00:35:30,462 Taking notes. Research. 908 00:35:30,504 --> 00:35:32,005 You gonna write everything down? 909 00:35:32,047 --> 00:35:34,591 Everything I think is pertinent or interesting, 910 00:35:34,633 --> 00:35:36,802 or could be pertinent or interesting. 911 00:35:36,844 --> 00:35:38,220 So the answer's yes. 912 00:35:38,262 --> 00:35:40,848 "No Jack Paar in this shithole." 913 00:35:40,889 --> 00:35:42,266 What's this place called? 914 00:35:42,307 --> 00:35:44,309 -"This shithole." -You're kidding. 915 00:35:44,351 --> 00:35:46,270 Well, not officially, but by anyone who's been here. 916 00:35:46,311 --> 00:35:47,896 -Hmm. -Now the good thing about this place, 917 00:35:47,938 --> 00:35:49,815 it's a great spot to catch unusual acts 918 00:35:49,857 --> 00:35:52,234 you might never see anywhere else. 919 00:35:52,276 --> 00:35:53,986 Hey, who's this guy? 920 00:35:54,027 --> 00:35:55,487 He's from Montana. 921 00:35:55,529 --> 00:35:57,823 Huh. And what's his blood type? 922 00:35:57,865 --> 00:35:59,491 I don't know. 923 00:35:59,533 --> 00:36:01,368 Well, you told me one useless piece of shit detail, 924 00:36:01,410 --> 00:36:02,786 I thought you could throw in another. 925 00:36:02,828 --> 00:36:04,496 (groans) 926 00:36:04,538 --> 00:36:06,164 What? 927 00:36:06,206 --> 00:36:07,416 What are you doing? 928 00:36:07,457 --> 00:36:08,792 I had a funny thought. 929 00:36:08,834 --> 00:36:10,586 Well, by all means, keep it a secret. 930 00:36:10,627 --> 00:36:12,129 All the best comics do. 931 00:36:12,170 --> 00:36:14,756 I should get another notebook. 932 00:36:14,798 --> 00:36:16,508 What on earth is he doing? 933 00:36:20,762 --> 00:36:25,475 Ladies and gentlemen, I have terrible news. 934 00:36:25,517 --> 00:36:27,895 My best friend, 935 00:36:27,936 --> 00:36:30,898 my partner for many years-- 936 00:36:30,939 --> 00:36:33,442 he was like a brother to me-- 937 00:36:33,483 --> 00:36:35,485 Randy here... 938 00:36:38,071 --> 00:36:41,867 ...has committed suicide. 939 00:36:41,909 --> 00:36:43,827 Look. 940 00:36:45,537 --> 00:36:47,122 Lifeless. 941 00:36:47,164 --> 00:36:50,125 -(laughs) -I just found him backstage, and... 942 00:36:50,167 --> 00:36:52,920 he didn't even leave a note. 943 00:36:52,961 --> 00:36:54,588 But... 944 00:36:54,630 --> 00:36:57,215 the show must go on. 945 00:36:57,257 --> 00:37:00,260 And so I will now do our two-man show act 946 00:37:00,302 --> 00:37:02,137 without him. 947 00:37:03,722 --> 00:37:06,725 Hey there, Randy, how you doing tonight? 948 00:37:09,102 --> 00:37:11,063 And then Randy would say, 949 00:37:11,104 --> 00:37:15,400 "You mean who am I doing tonight?" 950 00:37:15,442 --> 00:37:17,402 That would always get a pretty big laugh. 951 00:37:17,444 --> 00:37:19,029 (both laugh) 952 00:37:19,071 --> 00:37:21,198 He had such great delivery. 953 00:37:21,239 --> 00:37:23,659 And then I'd say, "Randy, 954 00:37:23,700 --> 00:37:27,412 watch what you're saying, there's ladies in the audience." 955 00:37:27,454 --> 00:37:29,706 And he'd say... 956 00:37:30,749 --> 00:37:32,751 And he'd say... 957 00:37:32,793 --> 00:37:35,754 (crying): He'd say "How big are their tits?" 958 00:37:35,796 --> 00:37:39,466 (both laugh) 959 00:37:39,508 --> 00:37:41,468 Why is this so funny? 960 00:37:41,510 --> 00:37:43,887 I have no fucking idea. 961 00:37:43,929 --> 00:37:45,514 Hey, you don't think this is funny? 962 00:37:45,555 --> 00:37:47,557 (laughing) 963 00:37:51,687 --> 00:37:53,647 People are funny in Montana. 964 00:37:53,689 --> 00:37:55,565 Oh, my God. 965 00:37:55,607 --> 00:37:57,192 So how come when you're having trouble sleeping, 966 00:37:57,234 --> 00:37:59,361 they tell you to count sheep? 967 00:37:59,403 --> 00:38:01,571 I mean, sheep are quite adorable, aren't they? 968 00:38:01,613 --> 00:38:03,740 Yeah, I see a little sheep jumping over a fence, 969 00:38:03,782 --> 00:38:07,160 I become invested in that cute little sheep's life story. 970 00:38:07,202 --> 00:38:08,954 -(laughter) -Where's he running to? 971 00:38:08,996 --> 00:38:10,455 What's he running from? 972 00:38:10,497 --> 00:38:12,374 And now, instead of getting sleep, 973 00:38:12,416 --> 00:38:14,209 I am wide awake with anxiety 974 00:38:14,251 --> 00:38:16,461 worrying if my new little friend's gonna be okay. 975 00:38:16,503 --> 00:38:18,046 SUSIE: Upstairs at the Downstairs. 976 00:38:18,088 --> 00:38:19,548 Now this is a good mainstream club. 977 00:38:19,589 --> 00:38:21,258 Everybody comes here. 978 00:38:21,299 --> 00:38:24,386 Bookers, managers, agents, writers come here all the time. 979 00:38:24,428 --> 00:38:26,722 COMIC: I'll tell you, I like having things to do, 980 00:38:26,763 --> 00:38:30,517 but I hate having to do things. 981 00:38:30,559 --> 00:38:33,020 Same words, different order, makes all the difference. 982 00:38:33,061 --> 00:38:35,272 Having things to do, that's an option. 983 00:38:35,313 --> 00:38:37,524 Having to do things, that's a demand. 984 00:38:37,566 --> 00:38:39,818 -(laughter) -Having things to do, quite pleasant. 985 00:38:39,860 --> 00:38:43,405 Go for a walk, catch a ball game, meet a friend for coffee. 986 00:38:43,447 --> 00:38:45,574 Having to do things, never pleasant. 987 00:38:45,615 --> 00:38:48,243 Take out the trash, change a lightbulb, 988 00:38:48,285 --> 00:38:50,203 -go visit your mother. -(laughter) 989 00:38:50,245 --> 00:38:52,330 See, this guy here, he's not really my thing, 990 00:38:52,372 --> 00:38:54,041 -but he's very solid. -These are the things 991 00:38:54,082 --> 00:38:55,959 that we need to learn in school. 992 00:38:56,001 --> 00:38:58,086 Instead, they teach us a whole bunch of things 993 00:38:58,128 --> 00:39:00,255 that we will never, ever use, 994 00:39:00,297 --> 00:39:03,133 like knowing about the War of 1812. 995 00:39:03,175 --> 00:39:06,094 -(laughter) -Come to think of it, that's all I remember. 996 00:39:06,136 --> 00:39:07,888 Oh, I don't remember what that war was about. 997 00:39:07,929 --> 00:39:10,265 I think it was because it was 1812. 998 00:39:10,307 --> 00:39:12,392 -(laughter) -They had no radio, no TV. 999 00:39:12,434 --> 00:39:14,394 There was nothing to do except go to war. 1000 00:39:14,436 --> 00:39:16,480 "So, um, why are we at war?" 1001 00:39:16,521 --> 00:39:18,815 "Uh, because it's 1812." 1002 00:39:18,857 --> 00:39:22,319 -(laughter) -You see how he waits after the laugh. 1003 00:39:22,360 --> 00:39:24,529 Now, sometimes-- and you got to feel it-- 1004 00:39:24,571 --> 00:39:26,364 i-if you let a joke sit long enough... 1005 00:39:26,406 --> 00:39:28,533 (laughter) 1006 00:39:28,575 --> 00:39:30,660 Two laughs for the price of one. 1007 00:39:30,702 --> 00:39:32,287 COMIC: All right. 1008 00:39:32,329 --> 00:39:34,081 Hey, that's Marty Kahn. 1009 00:39:34,122 --> 00:39:35,457 Is that good? 1010 00:39:35,499 --> 00:39:37,292 Marty Kahn is a very important booker. 1011 00:39:37,334 --> 00:39:40,462 He handles a lot of the Eastern seaboard clubs. 1012 00:39:40,504 --> 00:39:42,255 I want to meet him. 1013 00:39:42,297 --> 00:39:44,091 -I want you to meet him. -Okay. 1014 00:39:44,132 --> 00:39:45,425 (exhales) Lots of confidence. 1015 00:39:45,467 --> 00:39:46,676 And remember. 1016 00:39:46,718 --> 00:39:49,638 MIDGE: I know, tits up. 1017 00:39:49,679 --> 00:39:51,807 Marty Kahn, how the hell are you? 1018 00:39:51,848 --> 00:39:53,141 Susie Myerson. 1019 00:39:53,183 --> 00:39:55,227 -Uh, my card. -Okay. 1020 00:39:55,268 --> 00:39:56,978 Personal management, huh? 1021 00:39:57,020 --> 00:39:58,188 What do you manage? 1022 00:39:58,230 --> 00:39:59,481 -I manage her. -Singer? 1023 00:39:59,523 --> 00:40:01,733 -Comedienne. -Really. She funny? 1024 00:40:01,775 --> 00:40:03,610 She's hilarious. She's got a great, tight ten, 1025 00:40:03,652 --> 00:40:06,321 working on some new material. Time to expand, you know? 1026 00:40:06,363 --> 00:40:08,740 Well, she's a looker. I'd love to see her work. 1027 00:40:08,782 --> 00:40:13,203 Well, I will let you know once we have a firm date nailed down. 1028 00:40:13,245 --> 00:40:14,996 Hey, can I get a couple more cards for my partners? 1029 00:40:15,038 --> 00:40:17,249 Uh, sure, Marty. 1030 00:40:17,290 --> 00:40:19,918 -H-How many partners you got? -Three. 1031 00:40:19,960 --> 00:40:22,546 Uh, can two of 'em share? 1032 00:40:22,587 --> 00:40:23,964 Okay. Here you go. 1033 00:40:24,005 --> 00:40:25,215 Three more cards. 1034 00:40:25,257 --> 00:40:27,217 Okay. Talk soon. 1035 00:40:27,259 --> 00:40:29,636 Yes. Talk soon. 1036 00:40:29,678 --> 00:40:32,389 (sighs) We better get something off that four-card fucker. 1037 00:40:32,430 --> 00:40:33,807 Question, should I have talked? 1038 00:40:33,849 --> 00:40:35,308 -You did, didn't you? -No. 1039 00:40:35,350 --> 00:40:36,643 Oh. Yes, next time, talk. 1040 00:40:36,685 --> 00:40:37,894 And you'll tell him my name. 1041 00:40:37,936 --> 00:40:40,313 I didn't? Aw, fuck me. 1042 00:40:40,355 --> 00:40:42,482 (gasps) Ooh, that's Benny Mann. 1043 00:40:42,524 --> 00:40:44,401 That guy's got a stranglehold on Florida. 1044 00:40:44,442 --> 00:40:46,027 I'm gonna go talk to him. You stay here. 1045 00:40:46,069 --> 00:40:48,363 Apparently, I can't work with props yet. 1046 00:40:48,405 --> 00:40:49,614 COMIC: ...of the world's largest empire, 1047 00:40:49,656 --> 00:40:50,782 and today he's a salad. 1048 00:40:50,824 --> 00:40:52,367 I like that stool lean. 1049 00:40:52,409 --> 00:40:55,078 Well, that is all for me, ladies and gentlemen. 1050 00:40:55,120 --> 00:40:56,746 My name is Howard Fawn. 1051 00:40:56,788 --> 00:40:58,623 Thank you and good night! 1052 00:40:58,665 --> 00:41:01,877 (cheering and applause) 1053 00:41:06,256 --> 00:41:07,799 What are you doing? 1054 00:41:07,841 --> 00:41:09,384 Are you stealing my act? 1055 00:41:09,426 --> 00:41:11,469 -What? Oh, no. -I am so sick of this. 1056 00:41:11,511 --> 00:41:12,888 -Who sent you? -No one. 1057 00:41:12,929 --> 00:41:14,389 Someone out of L.A.? 1058 00:41:14,431 --> 00:41:16,141 Hired some local girl who knows shorthand? 1059 00:41:16,183 --> 00:41:18,143 Hey, I'm not a shorthand girl. 1060 00:41:18,185 --> 00:41:20,478 It wasn't Buddy Hackett, was it? Oh, I didn't think he'd dare, 1061 00:41:20,520 --> 00:41:21,980 not after I flattened him the last time. 1062 00:41:22,022 --> 00:41:23,982 -No, Buddy Hackett did not... -Dana? Greene? 1063 00:41:24,024 --> 00:41:25,483 -If it was Greene, I swear... -Why do you assume 1064 00:41:25,525 --> 00:41:27,152 -someone sent me? -What? 1065 00:41:27,194 --> 00:41:29,404 Why couldn't I be stealing your act for myself? 1066 00:41:29,446 --> 00:41:31,656 Are you kidding me? You can't do my act. 1067 00:41:31,698 --> 00:41:33,658 What, you think it's so hard? I mean, frankly, 1068 00:41:33,700 --> 00:41:36,411 other than that stool lean, it's a fairly pedestrian set. 1069 00:41:36,453 --> 00:41:38,997 "Fairly pedestrian." Hackett did send you, didn't he? 1070 00:41:39,039 --> 00:41:41,249 -That motherfucker. -What is happening here? 1071 00:41:41,291 --> 00:41:44,002 I am perfectly capable of stealing your act for myself. 1072 00:41:44,044 --> 00:41:45,670 Whoa! Nobody's stealing acts here. 1073 00:41:45,712 --> 00:41:47,756 And after I stole it, I could do it better. 1074 00:41:47,797 --> 00:41:49,758 -And in heels! -Yeah, yeah? -Okay, we're leaving. 1075 00:41:49,799 --> 00:41:52,344 You-you tell Hackett, he shows his face around here again, 1076 00:41:52,385 --> 00:41:53,762 -I'll break his other leg! -All right! 1077 00:41:53,803 --> 00:41:55,430 SUSIE: What the fuck is wrong with you? 1078 00:41:55,472 --> 00:41:57,766 Uno, dos, uno, dos, tres! 1079 00:41:57,807 --> 00:42:00,227 (band playing) 1080 00:42:02,229 --> 00:42:04,189 (grunts) 1081 00:42:04,231 --> 00:42:06,608 ♪ ♪ 1082 00:42:35,929 --> 00:42:38,723 ♪ ♪ 1083 00:42:38,765 --> 00:42:41,309 -(bandleader grunts) -MAN: Come on, come on, come on. 1084 00:42:41,351 --> 00:42:43,228 -SUSIE: I appreciate this, Lanie. -Appreciate nothing. 1085 00:42:43,270 --> 00:42:44,813 -We have a deal. -Well, appreciation's 1086 00:42:44,854 --> 00:42:46,648 -a valuable commodity these days. -Uh-uh. 1087 00:42:46,690 --> 00:42:48,984 You promised me a prime spot at the Gaslight for two weeks 1088 00:42:49,025 --> 00:42:50,318 -if I got you in here. -Yeah... 1089 00:42:50,360 --> 00:42:51,987 Yeah, what? You promised. 1090 00:42:52,028 --> 00:42:54,489 I know. I just... You're so terrible. 1091 00:42:54,531 --> 00:42:56,408 -That doesn't matter. -You really... You have no talent 1092 00:42:56,449 --> 00:42:58,326 -at all. -I didn't ask for your opinion on my singing. 1093 00:42:58,368 --> 00:42:59,744 Oh, you're a singer? See, I just thought 1094 00:42:59,786 --> 00:43:00,996 you had your sack caught in your zipper. 1095 00:43:01,037 --> 00:43:02,622 Hey! I did you a favor here! 1096 00:43:02,664 --> 00:43:04,124 Susie, how about we save the constructive criticism 1097 00:43:04,165 --> 00:43:05,625 -for another time? -All right. 1098 00:43:05,667 --> 00:43:07,544 Prime spot for two weeks. But practice. 1099 00:43:07,585 --> 00:43:09,546 Do some scales, please. I am begging you. 1100 00:43:09,587 --> 00:43:11,631 Okay. Come on. 1101 00:43:11,673 --> 00:43:13,967 Wait here. I have to make sure my manager's not looking. 1102 00:43:14,009 --> 00:43:15,218 Hey. Lanie! 1103 00:43:15,260 --> 00:43:17,053 (groans) Little pussy. 1104 00:43:17,095 --> 00:43:18,680 He'd better come through. 1105 00:43:18,722 --> 00:43:20,640 Well, welcome to the Copa. 1106 00:43:20,682 --> 00:43:22,434 Oh, I've been to the Copa. 1107 00:43:22,475 --> 00:43:24,185 You have? 1108 00:43:24,227 --> 00:43:26,646 We came last year for our anniversary. 1109 00:43:26,688 --> 00:43:28,690 Hmm. Oh. 1110 00:43:28,732 --> 00:43:31,693 However, I've never been to the kitchen at the Copa. 1111 00:43:31,735 --> 00:43:34,404 -A night of firsts. -Mm-hmm. 1112 00:43:34,446 --> 00:43:35,905 So, Red Skelton's headlining tonight. 1113 00:43:35,947 --> 00:43:37,282 You know Red Skelton? 1114 00:43:37,324 --> 00:43:39,242 -Of course. -You ever seen him live? 1115 00:43:39,284 --> 00:43:41,494 No. Saw him on Steve Allen once, though. 1116 00:43:41,536 --> 00:43:43,913 Better live. He's great live. 1117 00:43:43,955 --> 00:43:46,249 I mean, this guy's timing? Rock solid. 1118 00:43:46,291 --> 00:43:47,959 He's never off, ever. 1119 00:43:48,001 --> 00:43:49,377 Mm. 1120 00:43:49,419 --> 00:43:50,795 ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, 1121 00:43:50,837 --> 00:43:52,005 -Red Skelton. -Where the fuck is Lanie? 1122 00:43:52,047 --> 00:43:53,965 -We're missing him. -Mm. 1123 00:43:54,007 --> 00:43:55,717 Wait, we can see him from here. 1124 00:43:55,759 --> 00:43:57,052 SUSIE: Where? 1125 00:43:57,093 --> 00:43:59,679 Yeah. Life's recurring joke. 1126 00:43:59,721 --> 00:44:01,473 -What? Oh, sorry. -RED: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 1127 00:44:01,514 --> 00:44:03,183 It's nice to be at the Copa tonight. 1128 00:44:03,224 --> 00:44:05,143 -Here. -Oh, thank you, ladies and gentlemen, 1129 00:44:05,185 --> 00:44:06,811 it's really quite a thrill to be here. 1130 00:44:06,853 --> 00:44:08,480 -Stand up on there. -Yeah, I get the concept. 1131 00:44:08,521 --> 00:44:10,023 RED: As I was walking here tonight, 1132 00:44:10,065 --> 00:44:13,735 there were a lot of people outside. Someone yelled, 1133 00:44:13,777 --> 00:44:17,155 "Red Skelton's in the crowd, Red Skelton's in the crowd!" 1134 00:44:17,197 --> 00:44:20,283 Everybody turned around and looked at me, and gee, 1135 00:44:20,325 --> 00:44:23,328 I was so embarrassed, I was sorry I yelled. 1136 00:44:23,370 --> 00:44:24,746 (laughter) 1137 00:44:24,788 --> 00:44:26,122 -Y-You see how he... -Yep, got it. 1138 00:44:26,164 --> 00:44:27,415 -A-And you see the way... -And then he turns around. 1139 00:44:27,457 --> 00:44:28,666 RED: Next week, I'm going down 1140 00:44:28,708 --> 00:44:29,834 to the Fontainebleau Hotel-- 1141 00:44:29,876 --> 00:44:31,836 that's down in Miami Beach, Florida-- 1142 00:44:31,878 --> 00:44:33,671 and have you ever seen that place? 1143 00:44:33,713 --> 00:44:36,132 Oh, this is the biggest hotel in the world, believe me. 1144 00:44:36,174 --> 00:44:38,343 I've played towns smaller. 1145 00:44:38,385 --> 00:44:40,178 From your bedroom to the bathroom, 1146 00:44:40,220 --> 00:44:41,763 they've got Burma-Shave signs. 1147 00:44:41,805 --> 00:44:43,181 (laughter) 1148 00:44:43,223 --> 00:44:45,725 Goddamn, I love that guy. 1149 00:44:45,767 --> 00:44:48,103 Fucking Lanie. I mean, a prime spot for two weeks 1150 00:44:48,144 --> 00:44:50,105 to get me in the room, not to dump me in the kitchen. 1151 00:44:50,146 --> 00:44:51,189 It's okay. I don't mind. 1152 00:44:51,231 --> 00:44:52,565 Yeah, well, of course you don't. 1153 00:44:52,607 --> 00:44:54,401 You've been to the Copa, I haven't. 1154 00:44:54,442 --> 00:44:56,361 -I'll be right back. -Be nice. 1155 00:44:56,403 --> 00:44:58,405 SUSIE: Yep. 1156 00:44:58,446 --> 00:45:01,574 RED: I was in a club and everyone was so drunk, 1157 00:45:01,616 --> 00:45:03,201 I could hardly see them. (chuckles) 1158 00:45:03,243 --> 00:45:05,078 (laughter) 1159 00:45:05,120 --> 00:45:07,080 Oh, I had a swell time. 1160 00:45:07,122 --> 00:45:09,916 I'll be glad when that swelling goes down, though, uh... 1161 00:45:09,958 --> 00:45:13,336 Oh, no, believe me, I was as sober as the next guy. 1162 00:45:13,378 --> 00:45:15,004 I was as sober as the next guy. 1163 00:45:15,046 --> 00:45:17,674 Unfortunately, the next guy was Dean Martin. 1164 00:45:17,715 --> 00:45:19,175 (laughter) 1165 00:45:19,217 --> 00:45:22,595 (applause) 1166 00:45:22,637 --> 00:45:24,639 (cheering) 1167 00:45:27,600 --> 00:45:28,977 (applause, cheering) 1168 00:45:29,018 --> 00:45:31,980 (speaking indistinctly) 1169 00:45:32,021 --> 00:45:33,398 (laughs) 1170 00:45:33,440 --> 00:45:35,400 Oh, stop-- all right, keep going. 1171 00:45:35,442 --> 00:45:39,112 Thank you, thank you, thank you. 1172 00:45:41,614 --> 00:45:42,824 -Oh. -We got to go. 1173 00:45:42,866 --> 00:45:43,950 MIDGE: What-- you weren't nice? 1174 00:45:43,992 --> 00:45:45,493 Not nice, not nice at all. 1175 00:45:45,535 --> 00:45:47,537 -Fast walk, fast walk. -Mm-hmm. 1176 00:45:48,746 --> 00:45:50,915 So, your brother's smart, huh? 1177 00:45:50,957 --> 00:45:53,960 My brother's brilliant, just like my father. 1178 00:45:54,002 --> 00:45:55,545 I'm so proud of him. 1179 00:45:55,587 --> 00:45:57,088 He's working for the military now, 1180 00:45:57,130 --> 00:45:59,090 developing a sonar machine that can talk to whales 1181 00:45:59,132 --> 00:46:01,217 to tell them to get out of the way of boats. 1182 00:46:01,259 --> 00:46:03,052 Is that really what your brother told you he does? 1183 00:46:03,094 --> 00:46:05,221 I-Invents a whale-saving machine? 1184 00:46:05,263 --> 00:46:06,806 Yes. Why? 1185 00:46:06,848 --> 00:46:08,933 That's cute. You're cute. 1186 00:46:08,975 --> 00:46:10,602 Is he close with your parents? 1187 00:46:10,643 --> 00:46:12,562 My father is closest to my brother, 1188 00:46:12,604 --> 00:46:14,189 and my mother's closest to me. 1189 00:46:14,230 --> 00:46:15,940 You okay with that situation? 1190 00:46:15,982 --> 00:46:18,359 You're asking me an awful lot of questions tonight. 1191 00:46:18,401 --> 00:46:20,445 Well, I find you fascinating. 1192 00:46:20,487 --> 00:46:23,031 You're like a super coiffed science experiment. 1193 00:46:23,072 --> 00:46:25,867 -I thought maybe you were trying to be friends. -What? No. 1194 00:46:25,909 --> 00:46:28,703 I'm just trying to inspire some thoughts for that notebook. 1195 00:46:28,745 --> 00:46:31,122 Oh. Okay. 1196 00:46:31,164 --> 00:46:32,874 Seems like you want to be friends. 1197 00:46:32,916 --> 00:46:34,501 I do not want to be friends. 1198 00:46:34,542 --> 00:46:36,252 I'd like to be friends. 1199 00:46:36,294 --> 00:46:38,546 You really think the military gives a shit about whales? 1200 00:46:38,588 --> 00:46:40,173 We went out tonight like friends. 1201 00:46:40,215 --> 00:46:41,883 We went out tonight so you could learn a few things. 1202 00:46:41,925 --> 00:46:43,092 This was school. 1203 00:46:43,134 --> 00:46:45,345 You know my husband left me. 1204 00:46:45,386 --> 00:46:47,764 You know my father likes my brother best. 1205 00:46:47,805 --> 00:46:50,183 You know my father teaches at Columbia, 1206 00:46:50,225 --> 00:46:51,601 my mother went to school in Paris. 1207 00:46:51,643 --> 00:46:53,144 You know I made the cheerleading squad 1208 00:46:53,186 --> 00:46:54,604 but quit because my mother feared the bouncing 1209 00:46:54,646 --> 00:46:56,523 would shorten the shelf life of my breasts. 1210 00:46:56,564 --> 00:46:58,149 Yeah, your mother's nuts. You got to use her. 1211 00:46:58,191 --> 00:46:59,651 I don't know anything about you. 1212 00:46:59,692 --> 00:47:01,486 -'Cause you don't have to. -But maybe I want to. 1213 00:47:01,528 --> 00:47:02,904 Look, both of our futures depend 1214 00:47:02,946 --> 00:47:05,281 on you making jokes about your weird life. 1215 00:47:05,323 --> 00:47:07,075 I ask you questions to help you figure out 1216 00:47:07,116 --> 00:47:09,869 what painful and humiliating moments we can exploit 1217 00:47:09,911 --> 00:47:11,496 to make a lot of money off of, 1218 00:47:11,538 --> 00:47:13,915 not because I care, because I don't. 1219 00:47:13,957 --> 00:47:15,750 You want your fries? 1220 00:47:15,792 --> 00:47:17,418 Yes. 1221 00:47:17,460 --> 00:47:18,878 Fine. 1222 00:47:18,920 --> 00:47:20,588 Though you haven't had a freaking fry 1223 00:47:20,630 --> 00:47:22,215 in, like, the last three minutes. 1224 00:47:22,257 --> 00:47:25,760 ♪ If the skies are gray ♪ 1225 00:47:25,802 --> 00:47:29,973 ♪ Long as I can be with you, it's a lovely day... ♪ 1226 00:47:30,014 --> 00:47:32,058 Only if you tell me something about your family. 1227 00:47:32,100 --> 00:47:33,434 What am I, a trained seal? 1228 00:47:33,476 --> 00:47:35,186 I'd like to be friends. 1229 00:47:35,228 --> 00:47:37,355 Yeah, and I'd like to eat at Peter Luger's every night, 1230 00:47:37,397 --> 00:47:39,524 but life's a bitch. 1231 00:47:42,068 --> 00:47:44,070 (grunts) 1232 00:47:51,160 --> 00:47:55,915 ♪ Just as you were going, leaving me... ♪ 1233 00:47:55,957 --> 00:47:57,667 My brother's an asshole. 1234 00:47:57,709 --> 00:47:59,377 My other brother's an asshole. 1235 00:47:59,419 --> 00:48:02,463 My sister's okay, but she's married to an asshole. 1236 00:48:02,505 --> 00:48:05,091 My mother washes sheets 14 hours a day. 1237 00:48:05,133 --> 00:48:07,385 Once a year, she gets drunk and tells us about the time 1238 00:48:07,427 --> 00:48:09,304 she came in third in the Miss Rockaway pageant, 1239 00:48:09,345 --> 00:48:10,763 and then sings "Danny Boy," 1240 00:48:10,805 --> 00:48:13,308 which is what she did for the talent portion. 1241 00:48:13,349 --> 00:48:15,935 And you realize just how great-looking she must've been 1242 00:48:15,977 --> 00:48:19,105 if they actually gave her anything after that racket. 1243 00:48:19,147 --> 00:48:22,442 And then she passes out, pisses herself, 1244 00:48:22,483 --> 00:48:26,654 and doesn't speak to anyone for the next three weeks. 1245 00:48:26,696 --> 00:48:28,781 And your dad? 1246 00:48:28,823 --> 00:48:30,283 Oh, he's fine. 1247 00:48:30,325 --> 00:48:32,285 Yeah, he's a trader at E.F. Hutton. 1248 00:48:32,327 --> 00:48:34,203 -He just bought a boat. -Really? 1249 00:48:34,245 --> 00:48:36,623 No. Haven't seen the man for 15 years. 1250 00:48:36,664 --> 00:48:38,875 He's a total and complete asshole. 1251 00:48:42,211 --> 00:48:44,714 ♪ Long as I can be with you ♪ 1252 00:48:44,756 --> 00:48:49,802 ♪ It's a lovely day ♪ 1253 00:48:49,844 --> 00:48:51,429 ♪ Long as I can be with you... ♪ 1254 00:48:51,471 --> 00:48:53,181 Thank you for tonight. 1255 00:48:53,222 --> 00:48:57,810 ♪ It's a lovely day... ♪ 1256 00:48:57,852 --> 00:48:59,437 You're welcome. 1257 00:48:59,479 --> 00:49:01,856 It's been really illuminating. 1258 00:49:01,898 --> 00:49:07,195 I just, I want to be really, really good at this. 1259 00:49:07,236 --> 00:49:08,821 I want to be the best. 1260 00:49:08,863 --> 00:49:10,698 So, I was wondering if you 1261 00:49:10,740 --> 00:49:11,949 maybe want to do it again tomorrow? 1262 00:49:11,991 --> 00:49:14,577 Not as friends, just as study partners. 1263 00:49:14,619 --> 00:49:16,162 Hit a couple clubs. 1264 00:49:16,204 --> 00:49:17,455 -Midge. -I'll pay for us to get into the Copa. 1265 00:49:17,497 --> 00:49:19,290 Inside, with a table and everything. 1266 00:49:19,332 --> 00:49:21,376 I can't do this again tomorrow night; I have a job. 1267 00:49:21,417 --> 00:49:23,252 Yeah, Mom and Dad don't pay my bills. 1268 00:49:23,294 --> 00:49:26,297 Right. You're right. I-I'm sorry. 1269 00:49:26,339 --> 00:49:28,341 Look, I'm glad this helped, and I love the enthusiasm, 1270 00:49:28,383 --> 00:49:30,593 but at the end of the day, you got to know 1271 00:49:30,635 --> 00:49:33,805 that there's really only one way to truly master stand-up. 1272 00:49:33,846 --> 00:49:36,182 You just have to do it. 1273 00:49:37,433 --> 00:49:39,435 Yeah. 1274 00:49:40,687 --> 00:49:43,898 ♪ Long as I can be with you ♪ 1275 00:49:43,940 --> 00:49:46,025 ♪ It's a lovely day. ♪ 1276 00:49:46,067 --> 00:49:48,236 I'd start with that whale-saving story. 1277 00:49:48,277 --> 00:49:50,697 That thing's a hoot. 1278 00:50:02,208 --> 00:50:05,044 ABE: Miriam, come in here, please. 1279 00:50:11,926 --> 00:50:13,845 (gasps) Oh, my God! 1280 00:50:13,886 --> 00:50:15,179 Where have you been? 1281 00:50:15,221 --> 00:50:16,764 You scared the daylights out of me. 1282 00:50:16,806 --> 00:50:19,058 -Answer me, Miriam. -I was out. 1283 00:50:19,100 --> 00:50:20,768 -"Out" where? -With a friend. 1284 00:50:20,810 --> 00:50:22,854 -What friend? -I'm sorry, did something happen? 1285 00:50:22,895 --> 00:50:25,690 -Do you know what time it is? -It's late. 1286 00:50:25,732 --> 00:50:27,400 It's 2:00 in the morning. 1287 00:50:27,442 --> 00:50:28,818 Don't you wear a watch? 1288 00:50:28,860 --> 00:50:30,278 Not with this outfit. 1289 00:50:30,319 --> 00:50:32,155 We were worried, Miriam, worried sick, 1290 00:50:32,196 --> 00:50:33,573 if you must know. 1291 00:50:33,614 --> 00:50:34,699 Your mother vomited. 1292 00:50:34,741 --> 00:50:35,950 I did not vomit. 1293 00:50:35,992 --> 00:50:37,660 Well, she did something in the bathroom 1294 00:50:37,702 --> 00:50:39,036 that took a very long time. 1295 00:50:39,078 --> 00:50:41,998 And she did not come out looking happy. 1296 00:50:42,039 --> 00:50:44,834 -I'm sorry I was late, but... -But what? 1297 00:50:44,876 --> 00:50:47,003 You do know I'm not 16 anymore, don't you? 1298 00:50:47,044 --> 00:50:49,088 We thought we did, but then you act like this, 1299 00:50:49,130 --> 00:50:51,007 -sneaking out... -I did not sneak out. 1300 00:50:51,048 --> 00:50:52,967 -...sneaking in. -I did not sneak in. 1301 00:50:53,009 --> 00:50:54,886 You left your baby here alone. 1302 00:50:54,927 --> 00:50:56,095 With her grandparents. 1303 00:50:56,137 --> 00:50:58,222 And where is your son, anyway? 1304 00:50:58,264 --> 00:50:59,891 -Shooting craps. -What? 1305 00:50:59,932 --> 00:51:01,809 He's with Joel. Shooting craps. 1306 00:51:01,851 --> 00:51:04,061 -Oh. -I-I'm kidding. Can we just lighten the mood a little? 1307 00:51:04,103 --> 00:51:06,689 No, we cannot. You know the rules of this house. 1308 00:51:06,731 --> 00:51:09,442 Rule number one: you do not leave your towels on the floor-- 1309 00:51:09,484 --> 00:51:10,985 we'll get back to that, by the way-- 1310 00:51:11,027 --> 00:51:13,029 rule number two: home by 11:00. 1311 00:51:13,070 --> 00:51:15,990 -Are you kidding me? -10:00 if you keep arguing. 1312 00:51:16,032 --> 00:51:17,366 You can't give me a curfew. 1313 00:51:17,408 --> 00:51:19,952 I'm a 26-year-old woman, I have two children. 1314 00:51:19,994 --> 00:51:22,622 As long as you're living under this roof, my rules apply. 1315 00:51:22,663 --> 00:51:25,291 Mama, this is a tad overdramatic, don't you think? 1316 00:51:25,333 --> 00:51:28,294 You could've been dead and dismembered in an alley. 1317 00:51:28,336 --> 00:51:30,338 -Oh, my God. -The Dionne quintuplets 1318 00:51:30,379 --> 00:51:32,048 would be very disappointed in you right now. 1319 00:51:32,089 --> 00:51:33,216 I'm going to bed. 1320 00:51:33,257 --> 00:51:34,634 That's it! I've changed my mind. 1321 00:51:34,675 --> 00:51:36,093 No Jack Paar for you. 1322 00:51:36,135 --> 00:51:38,262 -What? -Because of your behavior tonight, 1323 00:51:38,304 --> 00:51:40,014 I am not buying you a TV. See? 1324 00:51:40,056 --> 00:51:42,099 There are consequences. Lesson learned. 1325 00:51:42,141 --> 00:51:43,726 Good. Now go to your room. 1326 00:51:43,768 --> 00:51:45,978 And if I see those towels 1327 00:51:46,020 --> 00:51:47,814 on the floor again, you'll be air-drying 1328 00:51:47,855 --> 00:51:49,273 for a month! 1329 00:51:57,865 --> 00:51:59,867 (quietly): Miriam? 1330 00:52:04,413 --> 00:52:08,084 Don't worry. We'll get the TV in a couple of weeks, you'll see. 1331 00:52:10,211 --> 00:52:14,006 Do you want me to make us some cocoa? 1332 00:52:14,048 --> 00:52:17,218 No, thank you. 1333 00:52:17,260 --> 00:52:21,180 Well, if you change your mind. 1334 00:52:21,222 --> 00:52:24,100 Joel moved in with Penny, by the way. 1335 00:52:32,733 --> 00:52:34,360 JACK PAAR: I would like you now to meet 1336 00:52:34,402 --> 00:52:35,862 a very, very funny guy. 1337 00:52:35,903 --> 00:52:37,989 Welcome, please, Don Adams. 1338 00:52:38,030 --> 00:52:40,032 (applause, music playing) 1339 00:52:46,664 --> 00:52:47,790 Thank you, good evening. 1340 00:52:47,832 --> 00:52:49,208 As you probably know, 1341 00:52:49,250 --> 00:52:51,502 some of the most successful television shows 1342 00:52:51,544 --> 00:52:54,839 of the past couple of years have been about lawyers. 1343 00:52:54,881 --> 00:52:56,799 And, uh, in keeping with this trend, 1344 00:52:56,841 --> 00:52:58,426 you know, like The Defenders and, uh... 1345 00:52:58,467 --> 00:53:01,470 I've got to get a job. 1346 00:53:04,056 --> 00:53:08,102 ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪ 1347 00:53:08,144 --> 00:53:11,772 ♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪ 1348 00:53:11,814 --> 00:53:15,109 ♪ I put on a fake smile ♪ 1349 00:53:15,151 --> 00:53:20,406 ♪ And start the evening show ♪ 1350 00:53:20,448 --> 00:53:22,825 ♪ The public is laughing ♪ 1351 00:53:22,867 --> 00:53:25,578 ♪ I guess by now they know ♪ 1352 00:53:25,620 --> 00:53:28,664 ♪ Ooh ♪ 1353 00:53:28,706 --> 00:53:31,792 ♪ So climb from your high horse ♪ 1354 00:53:31,834 --> 00:53:36,964 ♪ And pull this freak show down ♪ 1355 00:53:37,006 --> 00:53:40,009 ♪ Dear Madam Barnum ♪ 1356 00:53:40,051 --> 00:53:44,096 ♪ I resign as clown ♪ 1357 00:53:46,140 --> 00:53:49,602 ♪ You said I was the master ♪ 1358 00:53:49,644 --> 00:53:53,731 ♪ Of all I surveyed ♪ 1359 00:53:53,773 --> 00:53:57,401 ♪ But now I'm sweeping up ♪ 1360 00:53:57,443 --> 00:54:02,365 ♪ The last in line in your circus parade ♪ 1361 00:54:02,406 --> 00:54:05,034 ♪ Children are clapping ♪ 1362 00:54:05,076 --> 00:54:10,247 ♪ As I fall to the floor ♪ 1363 00:54:10,289 --> 00:54:13,668 ♪ My heart torn and broken ♪ 1364 00:54:13,709 --> 00:54:16,337 ♪ And they just scream for more ♪ 1365 00:54:16,379 --> 00:54:18,923 ♪ Ooh ♪ 1366 00:54:18,965 --> 00:54:22,093 ♪ If I'm not the sole fool ♪ 1367 00:54:22,134 --> 00:54:27,139 ♪ Who pulls his trousers down ♪ 1368 00:54:27,181 --> 00:54:30,601 ♪ Then, dear Madam Barnum ♪ 1369 00:54:30,643 --> 00:54:35,731 ♪ I resign as clown ♪ 1370 00:54:35,773 --> 00:54:40,069 ♪ You tread the high wire ♪ 1371 00:54:40,111 --> 00:54:44,657 ♪ Between truth and lies ♪ 1372 00:54:44,699 --> 00:54:48,577 ♪ Your safety net just walked out ♪ 1373 00:54:48,619 --> 00:54:52,623 ♪ Much to your surprise ♪ 1374 00:54:52,665 --> 00:54:55,668 ♪ Hey, hey ♪ 1375 00:54:55,710 --> 00:54:58,629 ♪ Hey, hey, hey. ♪