1 00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:08,092 -(lively chatter) -MIDGE: Nah. Now, seriously, 2 00:00:08,134 --> 00:00:11,762 there's no fucking way that Penny Pann 3 00:00:11,804 --> 00:00:14,557 can compete with these tits! 4 00:00:14,598 --> 00:00:16,559 (laughter) 5 00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:19,228 -Do you love it? -LENNY: Do I love what? 6 00:00:19,270 --> 00:00:20,604 Comedy. 7 00:00:20,646 --> 00:00:22,440 Stand-up. Do you love it? 8 00:00:22,481 --> 00:00:23,983 Seriously? 9 00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:28,696 Well, I've been doing it a while. 10 00:00:30,281 --> 00:00:31,824 Okay, let's put it like this. 11 00:00:31,866 --> 00:00:33,784 If there was anything else in the entire world 12 00:00:33,826 --> 00:00:36,203 that I could possibly do to earn a living, I would. 13 00:00:36,245 --> 00:00:38,664 Anything. I'm talking dry cleaners to the Klan, 14 00:00:38,706 --> 00:00:41,000 crippled-kid portrait painter, slaughterhouse attendant. 15 00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:44,378 If someone said to me, "Leonard, you can either eat a guy's head 16 00:00:44,420 --> 00:00:45,838 or do two weeks at the Copa," 17 00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:48,966 I'd say, "Pass the fucking salt." 18 00:00:49,008 --> 00:00:50,968 It's a terrible, terrible job. 19 00:00:51,010 --> 00:00:52,511 It should not exist. 20 00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:55,222 Like cancer and God. 21 00:00:55,264 --> 00:00:56,557 HONEY: Sorry. 22 00:00:56,599 --> 00:00:58,392 I went to the Varick station instead. 23 00:00:58,434 --> 00:01:01,020 -Why the hell would you do that? -'Cause you like Varick better. 24 00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:02,605 Jesus, Honey, you don't get to pick. 25 00:01:02,646 --> 00:01:04,482 But do you love it? 26 00:01:13,699 --> 00:01:16,327 (quietly): Yeah. He loves it. 27 00:01:22,208 --> 00:01:25,628 Excuse me. Do I need a receipt for the bail money, or... 28 00:01:25,669 --> 00:01:28,380 And next up in a night full of triumphs, 29 00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:31,383 uh, Honey forgot to tell the cabdriver to turn the meter off. 30 00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:34,345 He's up to 20 bucks and refuses to get paid in weed, 31 00:01:34,386 --> 00:01:38,057 -so I was wondering if maybe you... -Of course. Here. 32 00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:39,600 -Put it on my tab? -Sure. 33 00:01:39,642 --> 00:01:41,727 Oh, and, hey, if you need any help finding a lawyer, 34 00:01:41,769 --> 00:01:43,437 I've got a drawer full of cards. 35 00:01:43,479 --> 00:01:45,773 -Just don't tell anyone you know where I am. -Lawyer? 36 00:01:45,815 --> 00:01:47,233 -Receipt. -What? Oh. 37 00:01:47,274 --> 00:01:50,194 Wha... What did you mean "lawyer"? 38 00:01:50,236 --> 00:01:51,862 Wait, wh-what about a lawyer? 39 00:01:51,904 --> 00:01:54,073 -Hold on. -You said if I need help finding a lawyer. 40 00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:55,783 Why do I need help finding a lawyer? 41 00:01:55,825 --> 00:01:57,660 You got arrested, arrested means court, court means lawyer. 42 00:01:57,701 --> 00:02:00,246 -But why do I need a lawyer? I got bailed out. -So? 43 00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:01,872 -On the night I was arrested. -So? 44 00:02:01,914 --> 00:02:04,083 -I didn't sleep there. -Where is this going? 45 00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:05,543 I got bailed out on the night I got arrested. 46 00:02:05,584 --> 00:02:06,919 It's almost like it didn't even happen. 47 00:02:06,961 --> 00:02:08,754 -But it did happen. -But very quickly. 48 00:02:08,796 --> 00:02:11,215 My advice: be your own lawyer. 49 00:02:11,257 --> 00:02:12,675 -It's ticking. -I should... 50 00:02:12,716 --> 00:02:14,426 -Uh, wait. -Yes? 51 00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:15,803 What? 52 00:02:15,845 --> 00:02:17,137 I... 53 00:02:17,179 --> 00:02:18,848 You...? 54 00:02:18,889 --> 00:02:21,183 I-I don't know what to do. 55 00:02:22,226 --> 00:02:24,603 Well, it's morning. 56 00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:26,480 Go have breakfast. 57 00:02:26,522 --> 00:02:28,315 Lenny, for Christ's sake, I'm dying here. 58 00:02:28,357 --> 00:02:31,694 Yes, sitting in the cab must be harrowing. 59 00:02:31,735 --> 00:02:34,738 (band playing lively intro) 60 00:02:37,950 --> 00:02:40,953 (The Barry Sisters' "Vyoch Tyoch Tyoch" playing) 61 00:02:52,590 --> 00:02:54,592 (man urinating, woman shouting indistinctly) 62 00:02:58,929 --> 00:03:02,182 WOMAN: Stop throwing it out the window and put it in the trash. 63 00:03:04,727 --> 00:03:06,645 (barking) 64 00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:08,355 See, even the dog is upset about it. 65 00:03:08,397 --> 00:03:10,399 ♪ ♪ 66 00:03:30,461 --> 00:03:31,670 -MIDGE: No. -JOEL: You tackled her. 67 00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:33,505 A nudge. A gentle nudge. 68 00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:35,841 You took her down like she had the ball at the ten-yard line. 69 00:03:35,883 --> 00:03:37,635 I simply felt it went to the wrong person. 70 00:03:37,676 --> 00:03:39,762 She'd waste it. And this is a very nice bouquet. 71 00:03:39,803 --> 00:03:41,931 -Her ears are still ringing. -It has gardenias in it. 72 00:03:41,972 --> 00:03:43,807 Brutal. My wife is brutal. 73 00:03:43,849 --> 00:03:46,435 It was perfect, wasn't it? 74 00:03:46,477 --> 00:03:48,562 Yeah. Perfect. 75 00:03:48,604 --> 00:03:50,397 (giggles) Perfect wedding, 76 00:03:50,439 --> 00:03:53,192 perfect breakfast, perfect life. 77 00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:54,777 -So... -Hmm? 78 00:03:54,818 --> 00:03:56,445 -Last chance. -For what? 79 00:03:56,487 --> 00:03:58,030 We could still get that apartment around the corner. 80 00:03:58,072 --> 00:03:59,698 -Joel... -We could eat here every day. 81 00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:01,867 -I know. -We could be downtown people. 82 00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:03,535 Close to the clubs, the park. 83 00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:05,913 -You love the park. -Riverside's a park, too. 84 00:04:05,955 --> 00:04:07,373 I thought you wanted to be a cool chick. 85 00:04:07,414 --> 00:04:08,999 I can be a cool chick with a doorman 86 00:04:09,041 --> 00:04:10,960 and a Kelvinator Foodarama refrigerator, can't I? 87 00:04:11,001 --> 00:04:12,461 Yes, you can. 88 00:04:12,503 --> 00:04:13,712 I really love that apartment. 89 00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:15,130 I grew up in that building. 90 00:04:15,172 --> 00:04:16,674 My parents are so close. 91 00:04:16,715 --> 00:04:18,133 -Very close. -When we have kids, 92 00:04:18,175 --> 00:04:20,010 we can just go upstairs, drop them off, 93 00:04:20,052 --> 00:04:21,971 go downtown, and be cool cats by night. 94 00:04:22,012 --> 00:04:23,347 We can have it all. 95 00:04:23,389 --> 00:04:24,932 I'm not gonna say no to you. 96 00:04:24,974 --> 00:04:26,934 Not after I saw what you're capable of. 97 00:04:28,477 --> 00:04:30,479 -You love me, Joel? -Rochester probably loved 98 00:04:30,521 --> 00:04:32,523 that first wife of his, and then she went nuts 99 00:04:32,564 --> 00:04:33,691 and burned the house down. 100 00:04:33,732 --> 00:04:35,150 Do you? 101 00:04:35,192 --> 00:04:37,611 I do. 102 00:04:39,113 --> 00:04:41,490 (whispers): Meet me in the bathroom. 103 00:04:41,532 --> 00:04:43,242 -What? -Two-minute head start. 104 00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:45,160 A-Are you kidding me? You're in a wedding dress. 105 00:04:45,202 --> 00:04:46,620 Excuse me. Where's the ladies'? 106 00:04:46,662 --> 00:04:48,664 Thanks. Clock starts now. 107 00:04:48,706 --> 00:04:50,124 Who are you? 108 00:04:50,165 --> 00:04:51,834 I thought I married a nice girl. 109 00:04:51,875 --> 00:04:53,669 Oh, you did not. 110 00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:01,510 (piano plays intro to "Dance Only with Me") 111 00:05:22,239 --> 00:05:26,994 ♪ Dance, dance ♪ 112 00:05:27,036 --> 00:05:30,372 ♪ Only with me... ♪ 113 00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:33,333 You alone? 114 00:05:35,919 --> 00:05:37,337 Yes. 115 00:05:40,924 --> 00:05:45,554 ♪ Love, love ♪ 116 00:05:45,596 --> 00:05:48,599 ♪ Love only me ♪ 117 00:05:50,601 --> 00:05:55,189 ♪ Till all our sweet ♪ 118 00:05:55,230 --> 00:05:58,108 ♪ Music ♪ 119 00:05:58,150 --> 00:06:01,278 ♪ Is gone. ♪ 120 00:06:04,573 --> 00:06:07,451 ♪ ♪ 121 00:06:07,493 --> 00:06:09,703 (indistinct chatter) 122 00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:14,792 -Oh. -(whispering): Joel left you. 123 00:06:14,833 --> 00:06:17,086 I know. I was there. How do you know? 124 00:06:17,127 --> 00:06:18,712 He's at my house right now. 125 00:06:18,754 --> 00:06:19,963 What? 126 00:06:20,005 --> 00:06:21,298 -Imo... -Shh. 127 00:06:21,340 --> 00:06:23,342 -Ow. My arm. Ow. -Shh. Shh. 128 00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:25,302 Joel showed up at our house with this tiny girl suitcase, 129 00:06:25,344 --> 00:06:26,720 and he and Archie went into Archie's office 130 00:06:26,762 --> 00:06:28,430 and shut the door, and all I could hear was 131 00:06:28,472 --> 00:06:30,349 "bowling" and "pandas"-- did you fight about bowling? 132 00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:32,101 -No. -Was there a panda? 133 00:06:32,142 --> 00:06:34,478 -No. -Well, maybe it wasn't pandas, but it had a "P." 134 00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:36,396 Joel left me for his secretary. 135 00:06:36,438 --> 00:06:37,773 What? 136 00:06:37,815 --> 00:06:40,067 -Penny Pann. -Pann like panda. 137 00:06:40,109 --> 00:06:42,152 -Pann like panda. -Oh, my God. 138 00:06:42,194 --> 00:06:46,281 (claps) Ladies, take your place. 139 00:06:46,323 --> 00:06:48,826 -(whispering): His secretary? -His idiot secretary. 140 00:06:48,867 --> 00:06:51,453 -Wouldn't be better if she was smart. -Actually it would. 141 00:06:51,495 --> 00:06:53,747 CLAIRE: Everyone, arms to the sky. 142 00:06:53,789 --> 00:06:56,166 -♪ ♪ -Rag doll down. 143 00:06:56,208 --> 00:06:57,918 Shake it out. 144 00:06:59,670 --> 00:07:02,297 His secretary. How unoriginal. 145 00:07:02,339 --> 00:07:04,591 Unoriginality is kind of his thing lately. 146 00:07:04,633 --> 00:07:05,717 CLAIRE: Rag doll up. 147 00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:07,928 Grab your Lythe-lines. 148 00:07:08,971 --> 00:07:10,389 It's always those girls. 149 00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:12,850 -What girls? -Those shorthand girls. 150 00:07:12,891 --> 00:07:15,435 Girls who go to secretarial school and learn shorthand, 151 00:07:15,477 --> 00:07:17,479 and that gives them entre to our husbands. 152 00:07:17,521 --> 00:07:19,606 And once they have entre to our husbands, 153 00:07:19,648 --> 00:07:21,733 our husbands entre right into them. 154 00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:23,527 Shorthand girls. 155 00:07:23,569 --> 00:07:25,237 I could have been a shorthand girl. 156 00:07:25,279 --> 00:07:27,656 I could have gone out into the workforce with my shorthand, 157 00:07:27,698 --> 00:07:29,158 but I didn't-- I got married. 158 00:07:29,199 --> 00:07:30,409 I did it the right way. 159 00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:32,202 -Longhand. -That's right. 160 00:07:32,244 --> 00:07:35,330 The worst part is, I didn't suspect a thing. 161 00:07:35,372 --> 00:07:37,749 I just thought we were a great couple. 162 00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:39,710 I did, too. 163 00:07:39,751 --> 00:07:41,712 I told Archie constantly, "Midge and Joel, 164 00:07:41,753 --> 00:07:43,547 they are a great couple." 165 00:07:43,589 --> 00:07:45,591 CLAIRE: Grab your bottles. 166 00:07:50,929 --> 00:07:53,140 Hey, stop working so hard. 167 00:07:53,182 --> 00:07:56,268 -Why? -You're starting to look like them. 168 00:07:56,310 --> 00:07:58,937 ♪ ♪ 169 00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:00,939 -The divorcees? -Do not forget, 170 00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:02,941 we do this so we can eat cheesecake. 171 00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:04,985 They do this because they need to find new men, 172 00:08:05,027 --> 00:08:07,196 or at least look trim for the coroner after they die alone. 173 00:08:07,237 --> 00:08:08,864 Is that Martha Kilgallin? 174 00:08:08,906 --> 00:08:11,408 -When did she join "the corner"? -Last week. 175 00:08:11,450 --> 00:08:12,826 Richard went straight to a lawyer's office 176 00:08:12,868 --> 00:08:14,661 with his suitcase and his portable bar, 177 00:08:14,703 --> 00:08:16,872 and just like that, three became four. 178 00:08:16,914 --> 00:08:18,040 Now five. 179 00:08:18,081 --> 00:08:19,833 Who knows besides me? 180 00:08:19,875 --> 00:08:22,961 My parents. Joel, Archie. 181 00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:24,713 Well, we won't tell. 182 00:08:24,755 --> 00:08:26,381 People will find out, eventually. 183 00:08:26,423 --> 00:08:28,884 I should just come out with it and tell everyone 184 00:08:28,926 --> 00:08:30,219 and get it over with. 185 00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:32,804 All right, let's think this through. 186 00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:34,348 If you do tell people, then at least 187 00:08:34,389 --> 00:08:35,390 you could control the narrative. 188 00:08:35,432 --> 00:08:36,850 You know what I mean-- 189 00:08:36,892 --> 00:08:38,602 frame yourself in the best light. 190 00:08:38,644 --> 00:08:40,729 Done right, maybe you just get pushed back a row or two, 191 00:08:40,771 --> 00:08:42,189 not all the way into "the corner." 192 00:08:42,231 --> 00:08:43,440 Maybe. 193 00:08:43,482 --> 00:08:45,192 Unless you think Joel is coming back. 194 00:08:45,234 --> 00:08:46,777 'Cause if you think he's coming back, then it's better 195 00:08:46,818 --> 00:08:48,362 you don't tell anybody, because then he'll be back, 196 00:08:48,403 --> 00:08:49,988 and no one will have known he left. 197 00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:51,865 But if you tell them he left, and then he comes back, 198 00:08:51,907 --> 00:08:53,784 you'll still be the person that he left, only now he's back. 199 00:08:53,825 --> 00:08:55,035 But they'll know that you were left, 200 00:08:55,077 --> 00:08:56,453 even though you aren't left now. 201 00:08:56,495 --> 00:08:57,579 And I don't know what corner of the room 202 00:08:57,621 --> 00:08:58,872 you stand in to be that person. 203 00:08:58,914 --> 00:09:01,375 CLAIRE: All right, ladies, crab walk. 204 00:09:08,632 --> 00:09:11,635 ♪ ♪ 205 00:09:13,595 --> 00:09:14,846 ♪ Ain't what you do ♪ 206 00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:16,473 ♪ It's the way that you do it ♪ 207 00:09:16,515 --> 00:09:17,766 ♪ Ain't what you do ♪ 208 00:09:17,808 --> 00:09:19,393 ♪ It's the way that you do it ♪ 209 00:09:19,434 --> 00:09:20,811 ♪ Ain't what you do ♪ 210 00:09:20,852 --> 00:09:22,854 ♪ It's the way that you do it... ♪ 211 00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:25,482 -Hey, Joel. -Hey, morning, Tony. 212 00:09:25,524 --> 00:09:26,692 ♪ Ain't what you do ♪ 213 00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:28,193 ♪ It's the time that you do it ♪ 214 00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:29,486 -♪ Ain't what you do ♪ -(horn honking) 215 00:09:29,528 --> 00:09:31,154 ♪ It's the time that you do it ♪ 216 00:09:31,196 --> 00:09:32,406 ♪ Ain't what you do ♪ 217 00:09:32,447 --> 00:09:34,199 ♪ It's the time that you do it ♪ 218 00:09:34,241 --> 00:09:35,993 ♪ That's what gets results ♪ 219 00:09:36,034 --> 00:09:38,662 -♪ Oh... ♪ -♪ You can try hard ♪ 220 00:09:38,704 --> 00:09:40,414 ♪ Don't mean a thing ♪ 221 00:09:40,455 --> 00:09:42,249 ♪ Don't mean a thing ♪ 222 00:09:42,291 --> 00:09:44,376 ♪ Take it easy ♪ 223 00:09:44,418 --> 00:09:46,253 ♪ Please say it ♪ 224 00:09:46,295 --> 00:09:48,005 ♪ Then your jive will swing ♪ 225 00:09:48,046 --> 00:09:50,007 ♪ Oh, it ain't what you do ♪ 226 00:09:50,048 --> 00:09:51,717 ♪ It's the place that you do it ♪ 227 00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:53,677 ♪ That's what gets results ♪ 228 00:09:53,719 --> 00:09:55,721 ♪ ♪ 229 00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:08,025 ♪ ♪ 230 00:10:15,866 --> 00:10:17,617 Moishe. 231 00:10:19,036 --> 00:10:20,579 MOISHE: That's a handprint, Jimmy. 232 00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,581 -Oh, Mr. Maisel... -Right there, right on the jacket. 233 00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,499 -A handprint. Not my handprint. -I know. 234 00:10:24,541 --> 00:10:26,626 But it is my jacket, which is now ruined 235 00:10:26,668 --> 00:10:28,587 -because right there, left hand, clear as day. -I'll find out... 236 00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:31,506 I want you to find out whose goddamn handprint that is, 237 00:10:31,548 --> 00:10:33,592 and you bring him to me. Yes? Good? Great. 238 00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:35,218 Uh, good work, ladies. 239 00:10:35,260 --> 00:10:37,220 -Keep 'em hum, hum, humming along. -Pop? 240 00:10:37,262 --> 00:10:39,097 Love to hear the sound ♪ of the machines. ♪ 241 00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:40,599 -You don't look sick. -Pop? 242 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,142 Miraculous recovery? 243 00:10:42,184 --> 00:10:43,935 Modern science score another knockout? 244 00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:45,854 -I'm not sick. -That's not what I heard. 245 00:10:45,896 --> 00:10:47,481 -I heard you were sick. -MAN: Pin. 246 00:10:47,522 --> 00:10:48,857 -WOMAN: Ow! -MAN: Quiet. 247 00:10:48,899 --> 00:10:50,400 Mother-in-law called an hour ago, 248 00:10:50,442 --> 00:10:52,402 said everyone in the family is sick. Everyone. 249 00:10:52,444 --> 00:10:54,196 What the hell are you doing? 250 00:10:54,237 --> 00:10:56,782 I said halter. That's a sweetheart. 251 00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:59,576 -Halter! Halter! Halter! -Sorry, Mr. Maisel. 252 00:10:59,618 --> 00:11:02,746 Your mother-in-law called and said the whole family is so ill 253 00:11:02,788 --> 00:11:04,664 that break fast is canceled. 254 00:11:04,706 --> 00:11:08,210 So ill, the holiest of holy days cannot happen. 255 00:11:08,251 --> 00:11:10,545 If it's so holy, why do you keep the factory open? 256 00:11:10,587 --> 00:11:12,589 -You want a smack in the face? -I'm just saying. 257 00:11:12,631 --> 00:11:14,049 Those people get paid by the piece. 258 00:11:14,091 --> 00:11:15,926 You want to take a day's work away from them? 259 00:11:15,967 --> 00:11:18,637 -God wants them to go hungry because I shut my doors? -Fine. 260 00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:20,639 Half of those people out there are gentiles. 261 00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,724 You go explain Yom Kippur to a gentile. 262 00:11:22,766 --> 00:11:24,851 "We're happy, but we're starving. 263 00:11:24,893 --> 00:11:26,853 It's New Year's, but we're guilty." 264 00:11:26,895 --> 00:11:28,438 Sounding like a nonbeliever, Pop. 265 00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:30,440 No, I'm not a nonbeliever. I am a believer. 266 00:11:30,482 --> 00:11:33,610 I believe that everything I have is because of Him. 267 00:11:33,652 --> 00:11:35,904 And these, which he gave me. 268 00:11:35,946 --> 00:11:37,656 -It's Abe, right? -What? 269 00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,324 -Abe canceled dinner? -No. 270 00:11:39,366 --> 00:11:41,618 -Abe's a nonbeliever? -Abe did not cancel dinner. 271 00:11:41,660 --> 00:11:43,245 That schmuck cancels the dinner. 272 00:11:43,286 --> 00:11:45,330 -A holy dinner, he cancels. -It's not Abe. 273 00:11:45,372 --> 00:11:47,499 Your mother's very upset. Does Abe know that? 274 00:11:47,541 --> 00:11:50,419 -It's not Abe. -Yom Kippur is a very big deal for your mother. 275 00:11:50,460 --> 00:11:52,170 There's kugel, she sees the kids. 276 00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:53,547 -Yeah, I know. -You think that happens every day? 277 00:11:53,588 --> 00:11:54,923 You think every day there's kugel and kids? 278 00:11:54,965 --> 00:11:56,633 -If you'd just... -Ooh, there was crying. 279 00:11:56,675 --> 00:11:58,301 So much crying. 280 00:11:58,343 --> 00:12:00,178 A good 40 to 50 minutes of crying. 281 00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:02,389 And finally, I said, "Shirley, if Abe doesn't 282 00:12:02,431 --> 00:12:03,974 want us at his house, what are we gonna do?!" 283 00:12:04,015 --> 00:12:07,185 Pop! Please, just stop talking. 284 00:12:09,813 --> 00:12:11,314 I'm not talking. 285 00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:15,652 You're not talking, either. 286 00:12:16,820 --> 00:12:18,697 Quiet's nice sometimes. 287 00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:20,365 I have to tell you something. 288 00:12:21,616 --> 00:12:23,410 Okay. 289 00:12:24,661 --> 00:12:26,413 Midge and I are splitting up. 290 00:12:26,455 --> 00:12:28,373 That's why dinner was canceled. 291 00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:30,375 We split up... last night. 292 00:12:31,585 --> 00:12:33,253 What's her name? 293 00:12:33,295 --> 00:12:34,671 -Who? -The girl. 294 00:12:34,713 --> 00:12:36,465 -Oh, no, no, no, no. -Trixie, Dixie... 295 00:12:36,506 --> 00:12:38,467 -It's not like that. -No? 296 00:12:38,508 --> 00:12:39,926 No! No. It didn't work. 297 00:12:39,968 --> 00:12:41,344 It's nobody's fault. 298 00:12:41,386 --> 00:12:42,971 Sometimes these things happen, okay? 299 00:12:43,013 --> 00:12:45,265 People with the best of intentions just grow apart. 300 00:12:45,307 --> 00:12:48,310 That's all. Just wanted you to know. 301 00:12:48,351 --> 00:12:49,603 That you and Midge split up? 302 00:12:49,644 --> 00:12:50,979 -Yes. -Okay. Sorry to hear it. 303 00:12:51,021 --> 00:12:52,522 I always liked Midge. 304 00:12:52,564 --> 00:12:54,232 Just not the one, huh? 305 00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:56,151 (Moishe laughs sarcastically) 306 00:12:56,193 --> 00:12:58,195 That's gonna be a hell of a phone call to your mother. 307 00:12:58,236 --> 00:12:59,946 I'll do it when I get home. 308 00:12:59,988 --> 00:13:02,741 Home? Okay. You'll call your mother when you get home 309 00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:04,659 and let her know your marriage is over. 310 00:13:04,701 --> 00:13:06,995 That'll be terrific. Hey! 311 00:13:07,037 --> 00:13:09,289 Don't bother calling your mother. I'll tell her. 312 00:13:09,331 --> 00:13:11,833 That roll of pink tulle you're dragging across the ground-- 313 00:13:11,875 --> 00:13:13,376 it's French. 314 00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:15,879 Do you know what else is French? The guillotine! 315 00:13:15,921 --> 00:13:17,255 Turn your back for one minute, 316 00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:20,133 everybody's the village idiot. 317 00:13:20,175 --> 00:13:22,219 Well, at least Abe's gonna be happy. 318 00:13:22,260 --> 00:13:23,929 -What are you talking about? -He never thought much of you. 319 00:13:23,970 --> 00:13:25,347 -That's not true. -No? 320 00:13:25,388 --> 00:13:26,890 Okay. My mistake. 321 00:13:26,932 --> 00:13:28,433 Put it down! 322 00:13:28,475 --> 00:13:29,768 Put it... Let me see your hand. 323 00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:32,103 Up in the air-- left hand right now! 324 00:13:34,189 --> 00:13:35,941 Morning, Professor. 325 00:13:37,234 --> 00:13:39,653 Good morning, Professor Weissman. 326 00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:50,580 There it is. 327 00:13:50,622 --> 00:13:52,749 Study it. 328 00:13:52,791 --> 00:13:57,837 Now, this matrix is composed of two row vectors-- 329 00:13:57,879 --> 00:14:00,632 v-one and v-two, but the rank is only one. 330 00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:02,509 Can anyone tell me why? 331 00:14:04,135 --> 00:14:05,470 No. No. 332 00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:08,098 No. No. Truman? 333 00:14:08,139 --> 00:14:10,392 Because once it's reduced to echelon form, 334 00:14:10,433 --> 00:14:12,269 there's only one independent vector. 335 00:14:12,310 --> 00:14:16,773 Correct. Now, can anyone tell me the nullity of this matrix? 336 00:14:17,983 --> 00:14:21,903 No. No. No. No. 337 00:14:21,945 --> 00:14:23,989 -Truman? -Unbelievable. 338 00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:28,243 I'm sorry. Do you have something to say? 339 00:14:28,285 --> 00:14:30,704 You never call on me. You never call on anyone. 340 00:14:30,745 --> 00:14:32,163 You only ever call on Truman. 341 00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:34,291 Truman knows the answers. 342 00:14:34,332 --> 00:14:36,334 Truman always knows the answers. 343 00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:37,627 Yes, but we could know the answers. 344 00:14:37,669 --> 00:14:40,171 Really? Did you? 345 00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:42,882 No. 346 00:14:42,924 --> 00:14:45,802 -Did you know the answer? -No. 347 00:14:45,844 --> 00:14:47,846 No? Did you know the answer? 348 00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:49,389 -No. -No. 349 00:14:49,431 --> 00:14:51,850 So none of you knew the answer. 350 00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:53,768 -ALL: No. -But Truman. 351 00:14:53,810 --> 00:14:55,854 But we could have known the answer. That's the point. 352 00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:57,856 Could have? 353 00:14:57,897 --> 00:15:00,400 Could have. Charlie... 354 00:15:00,442 --> 00:15:05,030 -Lance. -Could have doesn't count. Maybe doesn't count. 355 00:15:05,071 --> 00:15:07,449 "I took a shot" doesn't count. 356 00:15:07,490 --> 00:15:10,493 Because this room is a sanctuary 357 00:15:10,535 --> 00:15:13,121 from the variables in the outside world. 358 00:15:13,163 --> 00:15:16,666 In this room, we deal with absolutes. 359 00:15:16,708 --> 00:15:18,627 Period. 360 00:15:18,668 --> 00:15:20,503 In this room... 361 00:15:20,545 --> 00:15:22,922 this is what counts. 362 00:15:24,341 --> 00:15:27,636 These two vectors are collinear. 363 00:15:27,677 --> 00:15:31,181 They go... together. 364 00:15:31,222 --> 00:15:33,892 And they will always go together. 365 00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:37,437 This is the solemn vow made by mathematics. 366 00:15:37,479 --> 00:15:41,900 In this room, v-two is never going to break that vow 367 00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:44,402 and decide that it doesn't need the other vector anymore, 368 00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:47,405 that it's gonna run off and become linearly independent. 369 00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:50,200 V-two is never going to come home from work one day 370 00:15:50,241 --> 00:15:52,952 and tell v-one, "You know what? 371 00:15:52,994 --> 00:15:56,289 "I think I need my own vector space. 372 00:15:56,331 --> 00:15:58,625 See ya." 373 00:15:58,667 --> 00:16:01,961 And then v-one's dad has to come in and tell her, "No, 374 00:16:02,003 --> 00:16:03,838 "you can't let v-two do that. 375 00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:06,675 You-you got to go get v-two back," 376 00:16:06,716 --> 00:16:08,343 an impermanent solution, 377 00:16:08,385 --> 00:16:12,889 because v-one's dad is not gonna be around forever 378 00:16:12,931 --> 00:16:16,851 to solve all of v-one's problems. 379 00:16:16,893 --> 00:16:18,812 (chalk writing on board) 380 00:16:21,523 --> 00:16:23,108 Write that down. 381 00:16:28,571 --> 00:16:33,660 ♪ Daisy is darling, Iris is sweet ♪ 382 00:16:33,702 --> 00:16:37,747 ♪ Lily is lovely, Blossom's a treat ♪ 383 00:16:37,789 --> 00:16:40,959 ♪ Of all the sweethearts ♪ 384 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,128 ♪ A guy could meet ♪ 385 00:16:43,169 --> 00:16:47,757 ♪ Well, I finally chose an American beauty rose ♪ 386 00:16:48,925 --> 00:16:51,261 ♪ Laurel will hug you ♪ 387 00:16:51,302 --> 00:16:53,096 ♪ Orchid's divine ♪ 388 00:16:53,138 --> 00:16:57,350 ♪ Still I finally chose an American beauty rose. ♪ 389 00:17:00,437 --> 00:17:03,273 And just like that, Joel left, in the middle of the night, 390 00:17:03,314 --> 00:17:05,400 -like a cat burglar. -DRINA: God, that's terrible. 391 00:17:05,442 --> 00:17:06,985 I'm so surprised. He seemed 392 00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:09,237 so crazy about Midge. You want sugar today? 393 00:17:09,279 --> 00:17:10,905 No. Maybe a lump. 394 00:17:10,947 --> 00:17:12,490 -Two lumps. -I put in three. 395 00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:14,409 It's a stressful time. 396 00:17:14,451 --> 00:17:16,161 -Drink. -Mm. 397 00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:19,998 How is poor Miriam? 398 00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:21,791 Oh, who can tell with her? 399 00:17:21,833 --> 00:17:23,877 You know, maybe I sensed something. 400 00:17:23,918 --> 00:17:26,546 But just last week, I told her to get pregnant again. 401 00:17:26,588 --> 00:17:28,256 Hmm. Too hot. 402 00:17:28,298 --> 00:17:30,592 I told her, "Three before 30." That was my mistake. 403 00:17:30,633 --> 00:17:32,594 I waited too long between Miriam and Noah. 404 00:17:32,635 --> 00:17:35,138 -I could only fit in two. -You need to drink the tea, honey. 405 00:17:35,180 --> 00:17:36,556 But Miriam is Miriam. 406 00:17:36,598 --> 00:17:38,349 She wanted to play and run around 407 00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:41,144 dressed in black like a Fellini film. 408 00:17:41,186 --> 00:17:42,979 It's fine now. 409 00:17:43,021 --> 00:17:44,689 There's beer in her refrigerator. 410 00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:46,566 -Oh, dear. -Joel thinks she's frivolous. 411 00:17:46,608 --> 00:17:48,818 -That's why he left. -She's always been her own girl. 412 00:17:48,860 --> 00:17:51,446 -Mm. -Do you remember when she wanted to learn to drive? 413 00:17:51,488 --> 00:17:53,448 Because she found pink driving gloves. 414 00:17:53,490 --> 00:17:55,408 Everything with Midge starts with an accessory. 415 00:17:55,450 --> 00:17:57,076 How's Abe taking all this? 416 00:17:57,118 --> 00:17:58,995 Abe got up this morning and went to work. 417 00:17:59,037 --> 00:18:01,706 The world could be ending, and he'd get up and go to work. 418 00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:03,958 And if Columbia University fell into the ocean, 419 00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,252 he'd work from home. 420 00:18:07,504 --> 00:18:10,006 -Here. -Does the rabbi know? 421 00:18:10,048 --> 00:18:11,549 -What? No. God, no. -Good. 422 00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:14,052 -Can you imagine? -I don't want to. 423 00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:15,470 We're all sick. That's what he knows. 424 00:18:15,512 --> 00:18:17,180 Very, very sick. You did not see me today. 425 00:18:17,222 --> 00:18:19,933 Who am I talking to? No one. I'm alone here. 426 00:18:19,974 --> 00:18:22,602 Okay, let's take a look at this. 427 00:18:22,644 --> 00:18:24,395 I failed her. I failed her somehow. 428 00:18:24,437 --> 00:18:25,897 My whole family, everyone's married. 429 00:18:25,939 --> 00:18:27,816 Abe's family, everyone's married. 430 00:18:27,857 --> 00:18:30,443 I should've sent her to Paris. My mother sent me to Paris. 431 00:18:30,485 --> 00:18:33,279 Paris is wonderful, but it's good Midge didn't go. 432 00:18:33,321 --> 00:18:35,073 There was danger for her there. 433 00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:37,325 -Too much bread. -Yes. 434 00:18:37,367 --> 00:18:39,077 Okay, let's see. 435 00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:40,954 I just need to know whether or not 436 00:18:40,995 --> 00:18:42,747 this separation is actually going to happen. 437 00:18:42,789 --> 00:18:44,499 -I see a hammer. -Is a hammer good? 438 00:18:44,541 --> 00:18:46,084 It is if you want to hang a picture. 439 00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,002 Please, Drina... 440 00:18:48,044 --> 00:18:51,047 A hammer means triumph. You will triumph. 441 00:18:51,089 --> 00:18:57,011 And the leaves say this journey will end in peace and happiness. 442 00:18:57,053 --> 00:18:59,764 Triumph? Peace and happiness? You're sure? 443 00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:02,308 -You're doubting the leaves? -No. Never. 444 00:19:02,350 --> 00:19:04,519 Okay, you're still nervous. Drina knows this. 445 00:19:04,561 --> 00:19:06,104 I'll tell you what. 446 00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:08,398 I'll throw in a charm. Put this 447 00:19:08,439 --> 00:19:11,651 under Miriam's pillow for a week. 448 00:19:11,693 --> 00:19:13,236 It'll help the luck stick. 449 00:19:13,278 --> 00:19:14,904 My God, what is that smell? 450 00:19:14,946 --> 00:19:16,281 Tannis root. Just tell Miriam 451 00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:18,533 a rat died in the wall or something. 452 00:19:18,575 --> 00:19:20,618 -Thank you, Drina. -Don't worry. 453 00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:22,745 Miriam will land on her feet. 454 00:19:22,787 --> 00:19:24,539 Take it from me. 455 00:19:26,207 --> 00:19:28,960 Hmm? Are you paying by check today? 456 00:19:34,048 --> 00:19:36,009 ANTONIO: Hey, Mrs. Maisel! Hold on a sec! 457 00:19:36,050 --> 00:19:38,094 -What's wrong? -Some guy showed up here looking for you. 458 00:19:38,136 --> 00:19:40,680 I asked him to wait down here, but he pushed right past. 459 00:19:40,722 --> 00:19:42,390 -Almost bit me. -Oh, no. 460 00:19:42,432 --> 00:19:44,559 -Hey, I'm calling the cops right now. -Don't call the cops. 461 00:19:44,601 --> 00:19:46,311 Everything's fine! 462 00:19:46,352 --> 00:19:49,981 -Good morning, Mrs. Maisel. -Good morning. 463 00:19:50,023 --> 00:19:52,942 (elevator bell dings) 464 00:19:52,984 --> 00:19:54,360 I'm sorry. 465 00:19:54,402 --> 00:19:55,695 -Are you fucking kidding me? -I know. 466 00:19:55,737 --> 00:19:57,447 -I know. -9:30. 467 00:19:57,488 --> 00:19:59,782 I got up at 9:30. In the morning. 468 00:19:59,824 --> 00:20:01,784 You know the last time I was up at 9:30 in the morning? 469 00:20:01,826 --> 00:20:03,202 It was the last time I stayed out all night 470 00:20:03,244 --> 00:20:04,871 and got home at 9:30 in the morning. 471 00:20:04,913 --> 00:20:07,206 That is the last time I was up at 9:30 in the morning. 472 00:20:07,248 --> 00:20:08,625 I'm sorry. It was a rough night. 473 00:20:08,666 --> 00:20:10,376 Hey, you came to me, okay? 474 00:20:10,418 --> 00:20:11,920 You know, I-I didn't ask you to bang on my door. 475 00:20:11,961 --> 00:20:13,171 I didn't even tell you where my door was. 476 00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:14,714 You figured out where it was 477 00:20:14,756 --> 00:20:16,382 and then you came there and then you banged on it 478 00:20:16,424 --> 00:20:18,051 -of your own free will. -I forgot. 479 00:20:18,092 --> 00:20:19,802 Oh, much better. 480 00:20:19,844 --> 00:20:21,804 It is so much better that you just forgot. 481 00:20:21,846 --> 00:20:23,389 You know, my fear was that you remembered 482 00:20:23,431 --> 00:20:25,224 and chose not to meet me. 483 00:20:25,266 --> 00:20:27,810 But now that I know I literally didn't even enter into y... 484 00:20:27,852 --> 00:20:30,813 Wh-Where the hell are we? What is this, fucking Versailles? 485 00:20:30,855 --> 00:20:32,065 It's my apartment. 486 00:20:32,106 --> 00:20:33,441 Your table is set for 30. 487 00:20:33,483 --> 00:20:34,984 Who has cutlery for 30? 488 00:20:35,026 --> 00:20:37,654 Jesus Christ, what is this, a landing strip? 489 00:20:37,695 --> 00:20:39,364 Where is your airplane, in the bathroom? 490 00:20:39,405 --> 00:20:41,366 I had no idea you were such an important person. 491 00:20:41,407 --> 00:20:43,701 If I had realized that the queen of England had stood me up, 492 00:20:43,743 --> 00:20:45,536 I would have understood. But I just thought 493 00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:47,372 you were some drunk housewife who needed my help. 494 00:20:47,413 --> 00:20:51,709 I had no idea you were related to fucking Charlemagne. 495 00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:53,378 'Cause if Catherine the Great had shown up and said, 496 00:20:53,419 --> 00:20:55,213 "Hey, let's meet at 10:00," I probably wouldn't have expected 497 00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:58,216 her to show up either. But you have to tell people who you are. 498 00:20:58,257 --> 00:20:59,968 'Cause if all they have to go on is the fact 499 00:21:00,009 --> 00:21:01,803 that you make appointments and then forget about them, 500 00:21:01,844 --> 00:21:03,554 they're just gonna think you're a stuck-up twat. 501 00:21:03,596 --> 00:21:05,056 It's an easy mistake to make. 502 00:21:05,098 --> 00:21:06,808 I almost made that same mistake. 503 00:21:06,849 --> 00:21:09,060 But then I saw your dining room was set for Parliament... 504 00:21:09,102 --> 00:21:11,062 What the... What is this, 505 00:21:11,104 --> 00:21:14,148 a backup place in case you get bored with the other one? 506 00:21:14,190 --> 00:21:15,900 What the hell is going on here? 507 00:21:15,942 --> 00:21:18,236 -They've already eaten, Miss Miriam. -Thank you, Zelda. 508 00:21:18,277 --> 00:21:20,071 Hey, Zelda, have you seen the place downstairs? 509 00:21:20,113 --> 00:21:21,906 -It will blow your mind. -Hi, lady. 510 00:21:21,948 --> 00:21:23,241 What? Where are we going? 511 00:21:23,282 --> 00:21:24,617 Why am I touching this child? 512 00:21:24,659 --> 00:21:26,285 -Why is this child touching me? -Hi, lady. 513 00:21:26,327 --> 00:21:28,621 Why is his hand sticky? Why is your hand sticky? 514 00:21:28,663 --> 00:21:32,417 Where has his hand been that it is now currently very sticky? 515 00:21:32,458 --> 00:21:33,960 (elevator bell dings) 516 00:21:34,002 --> 00:21:36,337 -Hi, lady. -Why am I still holding this child? 517 00:21:36,379 --> 00:21:38,006 He can't find his way home from here? 518 00:21:38,047 --> 00:21:39,882 I made it home just fine when my mother forgot me 519 00:21:39,924 --> 00:21:41,300 at the Armistice Day Parade. 520 00:21:41,342 --> 00:21:43,136 An old soldier with one arm gave me a nickel 521 00:21:43,177 --> 00:21:45,138 and I took the bus home. Oh, you're welcome! 522 00:21:45,179 --> 00:21:47,765 Real polite kid you got there. Good job. 523 00:21:47,807 --> 00:21:49,183 Would you like some iced tea? 524 00:21:49,225 --> 00:21:50,768 Hmm. Do I want some iced tea? 525 00:21:50,810 --> 00:21:52,395 Let me think. Fuck you. 526 00:21:52,437 --> 00:21:55,064 No, I do not want any iced tea. 527 00:21:55,106 --> 00:21:57,066 (scoffs) First, you stand me up. 528 00:21:57,108 --> 00:21:59,736 Then you Bataan Death March me through Buckingham Palace. 529 00:21:59,777 --> 00:22:01,487 You make me hold your kid's filthy hand, 530 00:22:01,529 --> 00:22:03,281 which means I probably got 14 different kinds of cholera 531 00:22:03,322 --> 00:22:05,283 -right now. -Sit down. I'll get us some iced tea. 532 00:22:05,324 --> 00:22:07,535 Sit where? Here? What, on this? Are you kidding me? 533 00:22:07,577 --> 00:22:08,870 I'm not sitting in here. 534 00:22:08,911 --> 00:22:10,204 This is not furniture for sitting! 535 00:22:10,246 --> 00:22:11,622 This is furniture you get appraised 536 00:22:11,664 --> 00:22:12,957 when a rich uncle dies. 537 00:22:12,999 --> 00:22:14,542 You really should put plastic 538 00:22:14,584 --> 00:22:16,335 -over all of this. -It's fine. 539 00:22:16,377 --> 00:22:18,254 Are those two really your children 540 00:22:18,296 --> 00:22:20,590 or did we just break in and kidnap a couple kids? 541 00:22:20,631 --> 00:22:23,259 -Of course they're mine. -Well, just making sure. 542 00:22:23,301 --> 00:22:25,261 I mean, when you fraternize with an ex-con... 543 00:22:25,303 --> 00:22:27,847 Hey, did you know that I have to get a lawyer and go to court? 544 00:22:27,889 --> 00:22:30,850 -Yes. -Even though I got bailed out on the night I got arrested. 545 00:22:30,892 --> 00:22:32,685 What the hell does that have to do with anything? 546 00:22:32,727 --> 00:22:35,188 -So it's not a thing? -No, it's not a thing. 547 00:22:35,229 --> 00:22:37,148 Why do I have it in my head that it's a thing? 548 00:22:37,190 --> 00:22:39,984 I don't know, lady. Maybe it's all that royal inbreeding. 549 00:22:40,026 --> 00:22:42,320 -This is not that fancy of an apartment. -(chuckles) 550 00:22:42,361 --> 00:22:44,739 It's just ridiculous. That whole getting arrested thing. 551 00:22:44,781 --> 00:22:46,407 So I said some bad words. 552 00:22:46,449 --> 00:22:47,909 Well, and you flashed the room. 553 00:22:47,950 --> 00:22:49,160 What? 554 00:22:49,202 --> 00:22:50,411 You flashed the room. 555 00:22:50,453 --> 00:22:51,662 You pulled your top down. 556 00:22:51,704 --> 00:22:53,664 -Oh, I did not. -You did, too. 557 00:22:53,706 --> 00:22:55,666 You hit a switch and out they came. 558 00:22:55,708 --> 00:22:57,251 -That's ridiculous. -"Soup's on, boys!" 559 00:22:57,293 --> 00:22:59,253 -If I did that, I'd remember. -Mm. 560 00:22:59,295 --> 00:23:01,422 -Cake? -No, I do not want cake. 561 00:23:01,464 --> 00:23:03,508 You know what, I would like to know what I am doing... 562 00:23:03,549 --> 00:23:04,592 Oh, wow. 563 00:23:04,634 --> 00:23:06,344 That-that is an adorable cake. 564 00:23:06,385 --> 00:23:07,887 I'm sorry about today. 565 00:23:07,929 --> 00:23:09,222 I really am. 566 00:23:09,263 --> 00:23:10,807 Okay. 567 00:23:10,848 --> 00:23:13,142 Let's just forget about this morning, okay? 568 00:23:13,184 --> 00:23:15,603 I'm here. We can start now. 569 00:23:15,645 --> 00:23:16,854 You have any paper? Pen? 570 00:23:16,896 --> 00:23:19,357 Maybe parchment and a quill? 571 00:23:19,398 --> 00:23:20,733 -Why? -So I can write down some stuff for you 572 00:23:20,775 --> 00:23:22,360 -to talk about onstage. -No, no, no. 573 00:23:22,401 --> 00:23:23,778 Look, I'm-I'm sorry about this morning, 574 00:23:23,820 --> 00:23:25,363 but that woman last night, 575 00:23:25,404 --> 00:23:26,614 she was not me. 576 00:23:26,656 --> 00:23:28,533 This is me. I am me. 577 00:23:28,574 --> 00:23:30,243 -Uh-huh. -I'm the woman who's gonna be standing 578 00:23:30,284 --> 00:23:32,245 in the corner next to Martha Kilgallin, 579 00:23:32,286 --> 00:23:34,539 -desperate and sweating like a pig. -There are two Ls 580 00:23:34,580 --> 00:23:36,624 -in "Kilgallin"? -I'm the woman who's gonna get elbowed 581 00:23:36,666 --> 00:23:38,459 out of the way at the butcher shop so that other women 582 00:23:38,501 --> 00:23:40,378 can get the best lamb chops. Other women who have husbands 583 00:23:40,419 --> 00:23:43,131 to shop for. Nobody cares if you're ordering steak for one. 584 00:23:43,172 --> 00:23:45,550 That-That's me. That's the real me we're dealing with. 585 00:23:45,591 --> 00:23:48,636 And she's not fun. She's sad and embarrassed 586 00:23:48,678 --> 00:23:50,304 and poten... What are you doing? 587 00:23:50,346 --> 00:23:51,681 I'm making notes. This is great stuff. 588 00:23:51,722 --> 00:23:53,099 This is not great stuff. 589 00:23:53,141 --> 00:23:55,434 This is my life falling apart. 590 00:23:55,476 --> 00:23:57,645 My husband left me. Do you understand that? 591 00:23:57,687 --> 00:24:00,231 He left me, left my children. You've met my children. 592 00:24:00,273 --> 00:24:02,191 I did. One of 'em gave me bubonic plague. 593 00:24:02,233 --> 00:24:04,193 It was jelly, goddamn it. Children get jelly 594 00:24:04,235 --> 00:24:06,320 -on their hands. -Okay. Relax. 595 00:24:06,362 --> 00:24:08,489 The woman who showed up at that club and said those crazy things 596 00:24:08,531 --> 00:24:09,740 was in a state. 597 00:24:09,782 --> 00:24:11,951 A manic emotional state. 598 00:24:11,993 --> 00:24:13,411 Bullshit. You loved it. 599 00:24:13,452 --> 00:24:16,497 Yes! For a moment it-it was glorious, okay? 600 00:24:16,539 --> 00:24:18,583 F-For one moment, I said and did things 601 00:24:18,624 --> 00:24:20,585 that I've never done or said before. 602 00:24:20,626 --> 00:24:22,670 But-but that is all a complete blur to me now. 603 00:24:22,712 --> 00:24:24,922 I don't know how I got there. 604 00:24:24,964 --> 00:24:26,424 I wouldn't know how to get there again. 605 00:24:26,465 --> 00:24:29,093 And I'm not gonna try. Do you understand? 606 00:24:30,136 --> 00:24:31,512 Yeah. 607 00:24:31,554 --> 00:24:33,848 I understand. 608 00:24:33,890 --> 00:24:35,933 Made me come all the way to the Upper West Side. 609 00:24:35,975 --> 00:24:37,727 Didn't even have a doctor's appointment. 610 00:24:37,768 --> 00:24:38,811 Wait. 611 00:24:53,409 --> 00:24:55,411 For the bail. 612 00:25:01,500 --> 00:25:03,502 See ya. 613 00:25:12,511 --> 00:25:14,180 (sighs) 614 00:25:17,183 --> 00:25:19,060 Not too many fatty pieces. It's all he'll eat. 615 00:25:19,101 --> 00:25:20,478 Yes, Mrs. Weissman. 616 00:25:20,519 --> 00:25:22,104 The rest can be leftovers for tomorrow. 617 00:25:22,146 --> 00:25:23,522 (phone rings) 618 00:25:23,564 --> 00:25:26,525 Abe! Dinner's on the table! 619 00:25:26,567 --> 00:25:28,027 Hello? 620 00:25:28,069 --> 00:25:30,112 Rosie? Oh, my God, Rosie, is that you? 621 00:25:30,154 --> 00:25:31,530 Yes, it's me, Shirley. 622 00:25:31,572 --> 00:25:33,282 Rosie, I'm beside myself. 623 00:25:33,324 --> 00:25:35,451 I feel like a building just fell on my head. 624 00:25:35,493 --> 00:25:37,078 A block. A whole block. 625 00:25:37,119 --> 00:25:39,413 I feel like 34th between Sixth and Seventh 626 00:25:39,455 --> 00:25:41,666 just fell right on my head. 627 00:25:41,707 --> 00:25:43,000 I thought dinner was on the table. 628 00:25:43,042 --> 00:25:44,669 Calm down. You sound winded. 629 00:25:44,710 --> 00:25:46,504 I see carrots, potatoes... 630 00:25:46,545 --> 00:25:48,506 Oh, hey, the salad's on the table. 631 00:25:48,547 --> 00:25:50,091 -I'm talking to Shirley. -Shirley? 632 00:25:50,132 --> 00:25:51,592 -Mm. -Oh, great. Tell her to hang on. 633 00:25:51,634 --> 00:25:53,010 I want to put her on speakerphone. 634 00:25:53,052 --> 00:25:54,804 Shirley, will you hold on just one minute? 635 00:25:54,845 --> 00:25:56,305 You're not hanging up on me, are you? 636 00:25:56,347 --> 00:25:57,807 No, I'll be right back. 637 00:25:57,848 --> 00:26:00,393 People think I'm such a strong person, but I'm not. 638 00:26:00,434 --> 00:26:02,478 Hurry, before she hangs herself with the phone cord. 639 00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:05,398 Okay. And... go. 640 00:26:05,439 --> 00:26:07,400 Shirley, are you still there? 641 00:26:07,441 --> 00:26:09,151 -Barely. -Okay, good. 642 00:26:09,193 --> 00:26:10,528 Go ahead. You were saying? 643 00:26:10,569 --> 00:26:13,406 I was saying my heart is broken. 644 00:26:13,447 --> 00:26:15,825 -(quietly): Excellent. -What? -Nothing. Go ahead, Shirley. 645 00:26:15,866 --> 00:26:17,827 I didn't get to have my Yom Kippur dinner. 646 00:26:17,868 --> 00:26:19,578 It was ripped out from under me. 647 00:26:19,620 --> 00:26:22,498 Just like when we went to Boca and we saw this magician 648 00:26:22,540 --> 00:26:23,916 and he ripped a tablecloth out 649 00:26:23,958 --> 00:26:26,252 from under a completely set table. 650 00:26:26,294 --> 00:26:28,587 Only in my case, everything falls to the floor 651 00:26:28,629 --> 00:26:31,090 and smashes into a million pieces. 652 00:26:31,132 --> 00:26:32,091 Tell her to speak up a little. 653 00:26:32,133 --> 00:26:33,509 Shirley, dear, could you speak up? 654 00:26:33,551 --> 00:26:36,095 I look forward to that dinner all year! 655 00:26:36,137 --> 00:26:39,098 But then I heard you all had such a terrible flu. 656 00:26:39,140 --> 00:26:41,350 My heart stopped. I mean, the flu is very serious. 657 00:26:41,392 --> 00:26:43,769 People die from the flu. But when Moishe told me 658 00:26:43,811 --> 00:26:46,272 you didn't actually have the flu, I was so relieved. 659 00:26:46,314 --> 00:26:48,357 "Thank God, I don't have to worry about that." 660 00:26:48,399 --> 00:26:50,276 But then he said the kids split up, 661 00:26:50,318 --> 00:26:53,529 and suddenly I just wished everybody had the flu. 662 00:26:53,571 --> 00:26:55,031 -Split up? -Now what do I have? 663 00:26:55,072 --> 00:26:56,532 No Yom Kippur. 664 00:26:56,574 --> 00:26:57,533 No daughter-in-law. 665 00:26:57,575 --> 00:26:59,368 No grandchildren. 666 00:26:59,410 --> 00:27:00,995 You'll always have the grandchildren. 667 00:27:01,037 --> 00:27:02,872 Oh, well, sure, yes, as a concept, but... 668 00:27:02,913 --> 00:27:06,208 Shirley, when did you hear the kids were breaking up? 669 00:27:06,250 --> 00:27:07,835 -Just now. -You're sure? 670 00:27:07,877 --> 00:27:10,671 Yes. Joel came to see Moishe this afternoon and... 671 00:27:10,713 --> 00:27:13,215 Wait, who is this? Who am I talking to? 672 00:27:13,257 --> 00:27:15,217 That was Abe, Shirley. Now, try and calm down. 673 00:27:15,259 --> 00:27:16,969 I promise you'll see the grandchildren again. 674 00:27:17,011 --> 00:27:19,764 When? When am I gonna see them again? 675 00:27:19,805 --> 00:27:21,932 Next Yom Kippur? What am I, 20? 676 00:27:21,974 --> 00:27:23,601 I could be dead in an hour! 677 00:27:23,642 --> 00:27:26,187 I hear there's a terrible flu going around. 678 00:27:26,228 --> 00:27:28,981 No, the flu wasn't real, Shirley. The flu was an excuse. 679 00:27:29,023 --> 00:27:31,901 Now people need an excuse not to see family? 680 00:27:31,942 --> 00:27:33,569 What a world. 681 00:27:33,611 --> 00:27:35,571 She didn't go to him. I told Miriam to go to him 682 00:27:35,613 --> 00:27:37,406 -and she didn't go to him. -Abe, Abe... 683 00:27:37,448 --> 00:27:39,325 -Who? -Uh, nothing, Shirley, I'm here. 684 00:27:39,367 --> 00:27:41,827 I just wish we could all be together 685 00:27:41,869 --> 00:27:43,162 just one more time. 686 00:27:43,204 --> 00:27:44,747 One dinner. 687 00:27:44,789 --> 00:27:46,082 I know, Shirley. 688 00:27:46,123 --> 00:27:47,083 One dinner. 689 00:27:47,124 --> 00:27:48,709 So we can celebrate the new year. 690 00:27:48,751 --> 00:27:50,669 So I can see my grandchildren again. 691 00:27:50,711 --> 00:27:52,880 So we can... be a family. 692 00:27:52,922 --> 00:27:54,799 I hear you, Shirley. Now let me let you go. 693 00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:57,385 I promise I will speak to Miriam and then we'll talk later. 694 00:27:57,426 --> 00:27:58,886 I'm gonna try her now. Bye, Rose. 695 00:27:58,928 --> 00:28:00,221 -(click) -Oh, n... Shirley. 696 00:28:00,262 --> 00:28:01,555 Sh-Shirley! 697 00:28:01,597 --> 00:28:02,848 Oh... 698 00:28:15,694 --> 00:28:16,904 (exhales) 699 00:28:16,946 --> 00:28:19,323 -(busy signal) -Oh... (grunts) 700 00:28:19,365 --> 00:28:22,243 Zelda! Open the door! 701 00:28:22,284 --> 00:28:25,037 Open the door! 702 00:28:25,079 --> 00:28:27,706 -MIDGE: No, I pr... I-I am not. I promise you. -(panting) 703 00:28:27,748 --> 00:28:29,375 No, yeah, uh-huh. 704 00:28:29,417 --> 00:28:31,460 Uh-huh. Uh-huh. 705 00:28:31,502 --> 00:28:33,462 Uh-huh. 706 00:28:33,504 --> 00:28:35,131 Uh-huh. Well, that's not true, Shirley. 707 00:28:35,172 --> 00:28:37,049 I promise you'll see the children before you die. 708 00:28:37,091 --> 00:28:38,384 Oh, damn it. 709 00:28:38,426 --> 00:28:40,386 Yes, of cour... Yes, they love you. 710 00:28:40,428 --> 00:28:44,098 And they miss you. Yes, I'm-I'm very, very sure. 711 00:28:44,140 --> 00:28:46,267 Yes. Yes, I'm sure. 712 00:28:46,308 --> 00:28:47,101 (pants) 713 00:28:47,143 --> 00:28:48,352 Okay. 714 00:28:48,394 --> 00:28:49,770 Oh, of course. 715 00:28:49,812 --> 00:28:52,523 I, I-I understand completely. 716 00:28:52,565 --> 00:28:54,442 Thursday dinner will be fine. 717 00:28:54,483 --> 00:28:56,235 (pants) 718 00:28:56,277 --> 00:28:57,486 Yes, I promise. 719 00:28:57,528 --> 00:28:59,238 Everybody will be there. Okay. 720 00:28:59,280 --> 00:29:02,324 All right. Yes. Uh-huh. Okay. Bye-bye, Shirley. 721 00:29:02,366 --> 00:29:05,744 (sighs) What a terrible place the inside of her head must be. 722 00:29:05,786 --> 00:29:07,329 I tried to warn you. 723 00:29:07,371 --> 00:29:09,081 You have so many nines in your number. 724 00:29:09,123 --> 00:29:11,834 -Thursday night? -Thursday night. 725 00:29:11,876 --> 00:29:13,377 Well, I can get you out of it. 726 00:29:13,419 --> 00:29:14,420 Really? How? 727 00:29:14,462 --> 00:29:16,255 I don't know. And Joel? 728 00:29:16,297 --> 00:29:18,132 -He is expected. -Should I call him for you? 729 00:29:18,174 --> 00:29:19,800 You really think Shirley hasn't gotten to him already? 730 00:29:19,842 --> 00:29:21,051 You're right. 731 00:29:21,093 --> 00:29:23,304 (sighs) 732 00:29:23,345 --> 00:29:24,722 It'll be fine. 733 00:29:24,763 --> 00:29:25,890 I'll have to see him eventually. 734 00:29:25,931 --> 00:29:27,558 I mean, we have the children. 735 00:29:27,600 --> 00:29:29,685 We'll just... have to be adults. 736 00:29:29,727 --> 00:29:30,853 And what are you gonna wear? 737 00:29:30,895 --> 00:29:32,771 -Why? -Wear your red dress. 738 00:29:32,813 --> 00:29:34,523 That's an evening dress. 739 00:29:34,565 --> 00:29:35,733 It's dinner. That's evening. 740 00:29:35,774 --> 00:29:37,276 -Mama... -If you have to see Joel, 741 00:29:37,318 --> 00:29:38,861 then he has to see you, and if he has to see you, 742 00:29:38,903 --> 00:29:40,070 he should see what he's missing. 743 00:29:40,112 --> 00:29:41,780 That is not what this dinner's for. 744 00:29:41,822 --> 00:29:43,032 You're a single woman now. 745 00:29:43,073 --> 00:29:46,076 That's what every dinner's for. 746 00:29:46,118 --> 00:29:48,287 (sets down glass) 747 00:29:48,329 --> 00:29:51,749 (footsteps departing) 748 00:29:51,790 --> 00:29:54,210 ♪ ♪ 749 00:30:24,198 --> 00:30:27,201 ♪ ♪ 750 00:30:51,809 --> 00:30:53,811 -Morning, Mr. Maisel. -Morning, Louella. 751 00:30:53,852 --> 00:30:56,605 Oh, Jack, I will have that proposal on your desk by lunch, 752 00:30:56,647 --> 00:30:58,357 I promise. 753 00:31:03,779 --> 00:31:05,906 Oh, good morning, Mr. Maisel. 754 00:31:05,948 --> 00:31:08,033 Did Miss Pann call in sick? 755 00:31:08,075 --> 00:31:09,994 Miss Pann? No. 756 00:31:10,035 --> 00:31:12,496 I'm your new girl, Mrs. Moskowitz. 757 00:31:12,538 --> 00:31:14,248 -My... -Funny little story: 758 00:31:14,290 --> 00:31:17,001 I met you when you were an itty-bitty boy. 759 00:31:17,042 --> 00:31:19,420 (chuckles): That's how long I've been working here. 760 00:31:19,461 --> 00:31:22,590 Your father used to bring you here to visit your uncle 761 00:31:22,631 --> 00:31:24,508 and you'd run around in those little green pants. 762 00:31:24,550 --> 00:31:27,761 Hmm. Yeah, I'm sorry, who assigned you to this desk? 763 00:31:27,803 --> 00:31:29,305 John Meeks in Personnel. 764 00:31:29,346 --> 00:31:32,016 Aw, you were so good on the yo-yo. 765 00:31:32,057 --> 00:31:33,559 Are you still good on the yo-yo? 766 00:31:33,601 --> 00:31:34,852 I don't know. 767 00:31:34,893 --> 00:31:36,395 JOHN: Carol Moskowitz 768 00:31:36,437 --> 00:31:38,397 is one of the best secretaries we have here. 769 00:31:38,439 --> 00:31:40,441 Good typist, always has a smile for you, 770 00:31:40,482 --> 00:31:42,151 plus, she makes a terrific cup of coffee. 771 00:31:42,192 --> 00:31:43,611 We just thought this would be a good fit, 772 00:31:43,652 --> 00:31:45,529 seeing as how she knew you when you were a boy. 773 00:31:45,571 --> 00:31:47,906 So, that's it? Penny's gone? Fired? 774 00:31:47,948 --> 00:31:48,991 She is not fired, we simply 775 00:31:49,033 --> 00:31:50,242 moved her to the billing department. 776 00:31:50,284 --> 00:31:51,577 You simply moved... You know... 777 00:31:51,619 --> 00:31:52,578 (phone bangs on desk) 778 00:31:52,620 --> 00:31:54,163 I'm a vice president here, John. 779 00:31:54,204 --> 00:31:55,831 I should've been consulted. 780 00:31:55,873 --> 00:31:58,000 Have a say over who my secretary is. 781 00:31:58,042 --> 00:32:00,002 Or when she's been moved to the billing department! 782 00:32:00,044 --> 00:32:01,712 Sorry, Joel. Out of my hands. 783 00:32:01,754 --> 00:32:03,422 This came from the top. 784 00:32:05,674 --> 00:32:08,302 (phone ringing, indistinct conversations) 785 00:32:19,688 --> 00:32:21,857 (machinery buzzing) 786 00:32:26,654 --> 00:32:28,822 -That's some entrance. -Stay out of my life. 787 00:32:28,864 --> 00:32:30,074 Aha! I was right. 788 00:32:30,115 --> 00:32:32,117 -I mean it. -I wasn't sure at first. 789 00:32:32,159 --> 00:32:33,285 I heard that name, Penny Pann, and I thought, 790 00:32:33,327 --> 00:32:34,828 "Well, that's a stupid name," 791 00:32:34,870 --> 00:32:36,246 but I took a shot and I was right. 792 00:32:36,288 --> 00:32:38,040 -That is my job. -I love being right. 793 00:32:38,082 --> 00:32:39,375 My job, my office! 794 00:32:39,416 --> 00:32:41,377 I know, I got you that job and that office. 795 00:32:41,418 --> 00:32:42,795 -That's beside the... -You were supposed to work 796 00:32:42,836 --> 00:32:44,713 here, with me, but you didn't want to. 797 00:32:44,755 --> 00:32:46,548 Work was too hard here. 798 00:32:46,590 --> 00:32:48,592 -Might get your suit dirty. -That's not why and you know it. 799 00:32:48,634 --> 00:32:50,803 Was I hurt? Sure. But fuck me, you're my son. 800 00:32:50,844 --> 00:32:53,013 So, I call my brother, I say give him a job, a good job, 801 00:32:53,055 --> 00:32:56,100 not a bullshit job in a storeroom or as a clerk. 802 00:32:56,141 --> 00:32:58,811 No getting bagels, no running errands like a schlemiel. 803 00:32:58,852 --> 00:33:01,897 No, give him an office, and a secretary named Penny Pann. 804 00:33:01,939 --> 00:33:03,357 I did that for you. 805 00:33:03,399 --> 00:33:05,567 And I did this for you also. 806 00:33:05,609 --> 00:33:07,111 Stay out of my life! 807 00:33:07,152 --> 00:33:09,822 (big band music plays) 808 00:33:11,824 --> 00:33:12,866 ♪ Uh! ♪ 809 00:33:12,908 --> 00:33:15,911 ♪ Papa love mambo ♪ 810 00:33:15,953 --> 00:33:17,413 ♪ Mama loves mambo ♪ 811 00:33:18,956 --> 00:33:20,582 All of this goes in that mouth 812 00:33:20,624 --> 00:33:22,334 before you leave this seat, young man. 813 00:33:22,376 --> 00:33:24,628 -Zelda? -I'll have eyes on him, Miss Miriam. 814 00:33:24,670 --> 00:33:25,921 Thank you, Zelda. 815 00:33:25,963 --> 00:33:27,840 Everything smells delicious. 816 00:33:27,881 --> 00:33:30,551 -♪ Mama loves mambo ♪ -♪ Mama loves mambo ♪ 817 00:33:30,592 --> 00:33:33,429 (Moishe talking indistinctly in other room) 818 00:33:33,470 --> 00:33:35,597 ♪ Evens his weight with it now ♪ 819 00:33:35,639 --> 00:33:40,728 ♪ He goes to, she goes fro ♪ 820 00:33:40,769 --> 00:33:45,023 ♪ He goes fast ♪ 821 00:33:45,065 --> 00:33:46,358 -Joel? -Sorry. 822 00:33:46,400 --> 00:33:47,985 I, uh, I didn't knock. 823 00:33:48,026 --> 00:33:51,822 I just... started to come in, but then I... 824 00:33:51,864 --> 00:33:53,991 I didn't know if I should, so I... 825 00:33:54,032 --> 00:33:56,326 -closed it. -So what's the verdict? 826 00:33:56,368 --> 00:33:57,453 In or out? 827 00:33:57,494 --> 00:33:58,829 In. 828 00:33:58,871 --> 00:34:02,666 -♪ Uh! ♪ -♪ Papa loves mambo ♪ 829 00:34:02,708 --> 00:34:04,668 Living room's that way, unless you forgot. 830 00:34:04,710 --> 00:34:06,587 -Going to get a jacket. -Wasn't sure if you forgot. 831 00:34:06,628 --> 00:34:08,714 -Been gone one day, Midge. -That long, huh? 832 00:34:08,756 --> 00:34:11,049 -This is going really well. -Oh, yeah. 833 00:34:11,091 --> 00:34:13,761 MOISHE: So I'm at work late, it's stone quiet, 834 00:34:13,802 --> 00:34:17,514 and I hear a rustling noise from a button crate. 835 00:34:17,556 --> 00:34:18,974 Have I told you this story, Abe? 836 00:34:19,016 --> 00:34:22,102 Actually Moishe, you haven't, that I know of. 837 00:34:22,144 --> 00:34:24,396 Good! So I grab a pair of scissors, 838 00:34:24,438 --> 00:34:26,774 I'm on my hands and knees crawling over to the crate, 839 00:34:26,815 --> 00:34:28,358 I'm gonna surprise attack. 840 00:34:28,400 --> 00:34:30,819 I jump up, and I rip the top off, 841 00:34:30,861 --> 00:34:32,112 bare hands, right off! 842 00:34:32,154 --> 00:34:33,655 Two chickens jump out. 843 00:34:33,697 --> 00:34:34,698 -(laughing) -Live chickens! 844 00:34:34,740 --> 00:34:36,700 They jumped in somewhere in Queens, 845 00:34:36,742 --> 00:34:38,911 and took a ride across the Hudson! 846 00:34:38,952 --> 00:34:42,247 (laughing) 847 00:34:42,289 --> 00:34:45,292 Let me tell you, I admired those boys. 848 00:34:45,334 --> 00:34:48,212 -And they were delicious. -ROSE and SHIRLEY: Mmm. 849 00:34:48,253 --> 00:34:49,922 What, what are those? 850 00:34:49,963 --> 00:34:52,090 Gougères. French cheese puffs. 851 00:34:52,132 --> 00:34:54,343 French food is salty. Is that on purpose? 852 00:34:54,384 --> 00:34:56,053 -Probably. -Did you know 853 00:34:56,094 --> 00:34:57,763 a lot of French women aren't married? 854 00:34:57,805 --> 00:35:00,182 Because they're always going topless on their beaches. 855 00:35:00,224 --> 00:35:01,934 Men see if for free, they're not gonna propose. 856 00:35:01,975 --> 00:35:03,685 MOISHE: You know what I just realized? 857 00:35:03,727 --> 00:35:05,896 We never do these things at your house, Abe. 858 00:35:05,938 --> 00:35:06,939 MIDGE: Our place is bigger, 859 00:35:06,980 --> 00:35:08,440 Moishe, more entertaining space. 860 00:35:08,482 --> 00:35:10,108 JOEL: Sorry I'm late, everybody. 861 00:35:10,150 --> 00:35:12,319 Joel. Thank God. 862 00:35:12,361 --> 00:35:14,279 Hello, Mom. 863 00:35:15,614 --> 00:35:18,492 Hello, Rose. Abe. 864 00:35:18,534 --> 00:35:21,161 Hello, Joel. 865 00:35:22,704 --> 00:35:27,251 Mmm... somebody's sending a message, Shirley. 866 00:35:27,292 --> 00:35:28,627 What message? What are you talking about? 867 00:35:28,669 --> 00:35:30,712 ZELDA: Ethan wanted to say good night. 868 00:35:30,754 --> 00:35:32,256 -Daddy. -Hey, pal. 869 00:35:32,297 --> 00:35:34,508 Ah, get over here. 870 00:35:34,550 --> 00:35:36,134 You got your new pajamas on, huh? 871 00:35:36,176 --> 00:35:38,887 Looks good, it looks good. Go say hi to Grandma, okay? 872 00:35:38,929 --> 00:35:40,264 -ETHAN: Yeah. Grandma. -SHIRLEY: Come here, Ethan. 873 00:35:40,305 --> 00:35:43,475 Oh, you are such a precious boy. 874 00:35:43,517 --> 00:35:44,810 MOISHE: All right, come on, come to Grandpa. 875 00:35:44,852 --> 00:35:46,436 SHIRLEY: No, I don't want him to go. 876 00:35:46,478 --> 00:35:49,731 This might have to last me for a long, long while. 877 00:35:49,773 --> 00:35:51,692 Ah! You miss the Dodgers? 878 00:35:51,733 --> 00:35:53,193 You know, they left because of you, right? 879 00:35:53,235 --> 00:35:54,653 -Oh, Moishe. -They left because 880 00:35:54,695 --> 00:35:56,113 you never went to a game, and they said, 881 00:35:56,154 --> 00:35:58,699 when the hell is Ethan coming to a game? 882 00:35:58,740 --> 00:36:00,868 Shirley? Do you need something? 883 00:36:00,909 --> 00:36:02,536 SHIRLEY: Thank goodness... 884 00:36:02,578 --> 00:36:04,329 There he goes. 885 00:36:04,371 --> 00:36:08,500 You know, my strongest memory of Joel is him running away from us 886 00:36:08,542 --> 00:36:11,044 in his little green pants. 887 00:36:11,086 --> 00:36:13,463 ♪ ♪ 888 00:36:16,633 --> 00:36:19,177 MOISHE: How are you doing, Miriam? 889 00:36:19,219 --> 00:36:20,721 I'm doing fine. 890 00:36:20,762 --> 00:36:23,557 If you ever need anything, Shirley and I are here for you. 891 00:36:23,599 --> 00:36:24,808 I appreciate that. 892 00:36:24,850 --> 00:36:26,602 You know, when my sister's husband died young, 893 00:36:26,643 --> 00:36:29,271 she started volunteering at the old ladies nursing home, 894 00:36:29,313 --> 00:36:31,231 reading stories, teaching cha-cha classes, 895 00:36:31,273 --> 00:36:32,524 things like that. 896 00:36:32,566 --> 00:36:35,027 Helped her get through the long, lonely days, 897 00:36:35,068 --> 00:36:37,988 and at night, jigsaw puzzles, portraits, 898 00:36:38,030 --> 00:36:40,032 basket of puppies was a big one. 899 00:36:40,073 --> 00:36:41,199 Could you excuse me just a minute? 900 00:36:41,241 --> 00:36:43,201 Ah! 901 00:36:43,243 --> 00:36:45,746 ♪ You know that we were meant ♪ 902 00:36:45,787 --> 00:36:49,666 ♪ To be more than just friends... ♪ 903 00:36:49,708 --> 00:36:51,793 (sharp inhale) 904 00:36:51,835 --> 00:36:55,213 Can I see you in the bedroom a minute? 905 00:36:58,467 --> 00:37:00,010 (sighs) 906 00:37:00,052 --> 00:37:01,178 SHIRLEY: I just don't understand 907 00:37:01,219 --> 00:37:03,180 why you didn't ask me to bring something. 908 00:37:03,221 --> 00:37:05,015 Because you're a guest, Shirley. 909 00:37:05,057 --> 00:37:06,516 I don't even know what this is. 910 00:37:06,558 --> 00:37:08,685 I'll make soup. Soup we understand. 911 00:37:08,727 --> 00:37:11,897 Shirley, you're a guest. You're our guest. 912 00:37:11,939 --> 00:37:14,149 You're a guest. 913 00:37:14,191 --> 00:37:16,193 -What is that? -Chicken soup. 914 00:37:16,234 --> 00:37:17,486 Where did that come from? 915 00:37:17,527 --> 00:37:19,321 I put it in the freezer last time I was here. 916 00:37:19,363 --> 00:37:20,989 Oh, do you have any matzo meal? 917 00:37:21,031 --> 00:37:22,574 Never mind, I have some in my purse. 918 00:37:22,616 --> 00:37:24,785 I think I brought some... 919 00:37:26,995 --> 00:37:28,080 Mmm. 920 00:37:34,878 --> 00:37:36,380 Stop there. 921 00:37:37,923 --> 00:37:40,759 I am not a violent man, Joel. 922 00:37:40,801 --> 00:37:43,178 But if I were, I would take you upstairs to my apartment 923 00:37:43,220 --> 00:37:44,680 and throw you out the window. 924 00:37:44,721 --> 00:37:46,473 Do you know why I'm not throwing you out this window? 925 00:37:46,515 --> 00:37:47,849 -No. -Because my window 926 00:37:47,891 --> 00:37:50,394 is on a higher floor and I want to make sure it sticks. 927 00:37:50,435 --> 00:37:51,853 -Abe... -No. 928 00:37:51,895 --> 00:37:53,438 You do not call me Abe. 929 00:37:53,480 --> 00:37:55,190 -What do I call you? -Nothing. 930 00:37:55,232 --> 00:37:57,442 You call me nothing. 931 00:37:57,484 --> 00:37:59,486 You don't talk to me or look at me. 932 00:37:59,528 --> 00:38:02,531 If you see me on the street, you will cross the street, 933 00:38:02,572 --> 00:38:04,533 whether or not there is a crosswalk present. 934 00:38:04,574 --> 00:38:07,494 Your pedestrian safety is of no importance to me anymore. 935 00:38:07,536 --> 00:38:09,579 -I... -You what? You're sorry? 936 00:38:09,621 --> 00:38:12,290 You didn't mean to do what you did? It just happened? 937 00:38:12,332 --> 00:38:14,543 You have children, Joel. 938 00:38:14,584 --> 00:38:18,088 -You made promises. -I know. 939 00:38:20,465 --> 00:38:24,761 (whispers): Ah, you stupid, stupid boy. 940 00:38:27,389 --> 00:38:31,226 Where are you going to find a girl like Miriam again? 941 00:38:38,358 --> 00:38:40,902 -Dinner's ready, Papa. -Uh-huh. 942 00:38:40,944 --> 00:38:42,279 Can I help you with that? 943 00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:45,282 Oh, uh, I've got it. 944 00:38:45,323 --> 00:38:47,409 You look really beautiful tonight. 945 00:38:47,451 --> 00:38:48,994 Well, I've got an armful of meat. 946 00:38:49,036 --> 00:38:51,204 Yeah, that can't hurt. 947 00:38:52,873 --> 00:38:55,292 We should probably figure out some logistics. 948 00:38:55,333 --> 00:38:56,877 Logistics? 949 00:38:56,918 --> 00:38:59,296 You have things here. Clothes. 950 00:38:59,337 --> 00:39:01,298 I can pack them all up for you, if you'd like. 951 00:39:01,339 --> 00:39:03,008 Okay... (sighs) 952 00:39:03,050 --> 00:39:05,927 Can I come by and see the kids sometimes? 953 00:39:05,969 --> 00:39:07,137 I'll take 'em out so I'm not here. 954 00:39:07,179 --> 00:39:10,432 Of course. You're their dad. 955 00:39:10,474 --> 00:39:13,310 They love you. We'll figure something out. 956 00:39:13,351 --> 00:39:14,352 -We're sitting down, Shirley. -I know. 957 00:39:14,394 --> 00:39:15,395 I just wanted to do one more thing... 958 00:39:15,437 --> 00:39:16,980 You've done so much already. 959 00:39:17,022 --> 00:39:19,733 Dinner, everyone. Move. 960 00:39:19,775 --> 00:39:23,862 ♪ I won't know sweet music ♪ 961 00:39:23,904 --> 00:39:27,699 ♪ Until you return ♪ 962 00:39:27,741 --> 00:39:32,662 ♪ Someday. ♪ 963 00:39:32,704 --> 00:39:34,331 Abe, I know this is your gathering, 964 00:39:34,372 --> 00:39:36,500 but I'd like to take a moment to talk about family. 965 00:39:36,541 --> 00:39:37,918 -Terrific. -I know we're going through 966 00:39:37,959 --> 00:39:39,836 a rough, rough time, and I just want to 967 00:39:39,878 --> 00:39:42,464 thank everyone for coming together tonight. 968 00:39:42,506 --> 00:39:44,716 -Do you smell something burning? -Because by coming together 969 00:39:44,758 --> 00:39:46,093 under these trying circumstances 970 00:39:46,134 --> 00:39:47,552 we're showing future generations, 971 00:39:47,594 --> 00:39:50,305 your Ethans, your Esthers, that in times of hardships, 972 00:39:50,347 --> 00:39:52,349 self-sacrifice is often necessary. 973 00:39:52,390 --> 00:39:56,853 Like the sacrifice I made pulling 13 Jews out of Germany 974 00:39:56,895 --> 00:39:59,356 -in 1943. -ABE and MIDGE: Here we go. 975 00:39:59,397 --> 00:40:01,983 I got that call, I didn't know who these people were, 976 00:40:02,025 --> 00:40:03,735 I didn't know how to do it, I just knew there were 977 00:40:03,777 --> 00:40:06,279 13 Jews that wanted out of Germany, 978 00:40:06,321 --> 00:40:08,406 and I was the man to get them out. 979 00:40:08,448 --> 00:40:11,701 At great cost. What I paid per head. 980 00:40:11,743 --> 00:40:13,370 -Okay, time to eat. -MOISHE: Anyhow, 981 00:40:13,411 --> 00:40:14,871 the other day, sitting in temple, 982 00:40:14,913 --> 00:40:16,957 looking at all the empty seats next to us-- 983 00:40:16,998 --> 00:40:18,667 seats we paid for as a family-- 984 00:40:18,708 --> 00:40:20,001 I was filled with great sadness. 985 00:40:20,043 --> 00:40:21,336 (exaggerated sigh) 986 00:40:21,378 --> 00:40:22,796 Something wrong, Abe? 987 00:40:22,838 --> 00:40:24,840 Seats I paid for, actually. 988 00:40:24,881 --> 00:40:26,216 You were going to pay me back... 989 00:40:26,258 --> 00:40:27,425 Oh, so it's about money. 990 00:40:27,467 --> 00:40:28,593 I didn't realize you were hurting. 991 00:40:28,635 --> 00:40:29,886 I'm not hurting. 992 00:40:29,928 --> 00:40:31,721 I'm just saying we had an agreement. 993 00:40:31,763 --> 00:40:32,848 Well, you seem to have a nice life, 994 00:40:32,889 --> 00:40:33,890 you've got your lovely home, 995 00:40:33,932 --> 00:40:35,267 you've got your servant here. 996 00:40:35,308 --> 00:40:37,018 Zelda is not a servant, she's an employee. 997 00:40:37,060 --> 00:40:38,562 -She's family. -Family, too. 998 00:40:38,603 --> 00:40:40,689 And well-paid, with vacation time. 999 00:40:40,730 --> 00:40:42,190 She went to Holland last year. 1000 00:40:42,232 --> 00:40:44,109 -Iceland. -Iceland. Better than Holland. 1001 00:40:44,151 --> 00:40:45,986 In ancient times, we were the slaves. 1002 00:40:46,027 --> 00:40:48,864 -We don't own slaves. -I don't own her! 1003 00:40:48,905 --> 00:40:51,408 Can we all just calm down, eat some soup? 1004 00:40:51,449 --> 00:40:53,034 This is ridiculous! Are we really just going to 1005 00:40:53,076 --> 00:40:54,828 sit here and pretend everyone's having a nice evening? 1006 00:40:54,870 --> 00:40:56,121 We're not having a nice evening. 1007 00:40:56,163 --> 00:40:57,789 Fine, then I'll say it. The separation-- 1008 00:40:57,831 --> 00:41:00,750 this ridiculous breakup-- it's not going to happen. 1009 00:41:00,792 --> 00:41:02,878 This is not the place to have this conversation. 1010 00:41:02,919 --> 00:41:04,296 No one's talking to you. 1011 00:41:04,337 --> 00:41:06,047 What are you gonna do about it, Abe, hmm? 1012 00:41:06,089 --> 00:41:08,592 Going to let Miriam here just suddenly drift along 1013 00:41:08,633 --> 00:41:10,093 without a husband to protect her? 1014 00:41:10,135 --> 00:41:11,595 She's gonna do what with her life? 1015 00:41:11,636 --> 00:41:13,597 Sit around all day long eating bon-bons, 1016 00:41:13,638 --> 00:41:15,432 watching Queen For A Day. 1017 00:41:15,473 --> 00:41:17,601 -Is that what you want for her? -Of course not! 1018 00:41:17,642 --> 00:41:18,810 -That's what's gonna happen. -It's not! 1019 00:41:18,852 --> 00:41:20,270 -Is too! -I'm going back to school! 1020 00:41:20,312 --> 00:41:22,272 -What? -School?! 1021 00:41:22,314 --> 00:41:23,815 Everybody, please, just calm down, calm down. 1022 00:41:23,857 --> 00:41:26,026 All this anger and emotion is pointless. 1023 00:41:26,067 --> 00:41:29,362 The leaves said that the separation will not happen. 1024 00:41:29,404 --> 00:41:33,325 It's all going to end in peace and happiness. 1025 00:41:40,790 --> 00:41:42,834 Can I see you two in the bedroom a minute? 1026 00:41:47,130 --> 00:41:51,384 You swore to me you wouldn't see that crackpot anymore. 1027 00:41:51,426 --> 00:41:53,595 Drina's a friend, and she's very gifted. 1028 00:41:53,637 --> 00:41:55,430 She reads sediment. And you, 1029 00:41:55,472 --> 00:41:57,849 I told you to go get him back. 1030 00:41:57,891 --> 00:41:58,850 What? 1031 00:41:58,892 --> 00:42:00,227 I told you to fix your face, 1032 00:42:00,268 --> 00:42:01,853 put on a nice dress and get him back. 1033 00:42:01,895 --> 00:42:03,146 -What happened? -I... 1034 00:42:03,188 --> 00:42:04,439 You forgot how to fix your face? 1035 00:42:04,481 --> 00:42:05,899 -You couldn't find a dress? -No. 1036 00:42:05,941 --> 00:42:08,193 -Then what? -I don't want him here 1037 00:42:08,235 --> 00:42:09,194 if he doesn't want to be here. 1038 00:42:09,236 --> 00:42:10,654 Of course you do. 1039 00:42:10,695 --> 00:42:11,947 You want him here no matter what 1040 00:42:11,988 --> 00:42:13,281 he thinks or feels or wants. 1041 00:42:13,323 --> 00:42:15,033 -No. -Miriam, 1042 00:42:15,075 --> 00:42:18,536 because of you, we are stuck in this house with that man 1043 00:42:18,578 --> 00:42:21,289 and his bloviating and speeches. 1044 00:42:21,331 --> 00:42:23,583 And I have to say, if he talks about getting 1045 00:42:23,625 --> 00:42:26,586 those 13 Jews out of Germany one more time... 1046 00:42:26,628 --> 00:42:28,463 -Abe... -He brought them here 1047 00:42:28,505 --> 00:42:30,257 and stuck them in his factory. 1048 00:42:30,298 --> 00:42:31,883 They're all working there. 1049 00:42:31,925 --> 00:42:33,510 Is he paying these poor people? 1050 00:42:33,551 --> 00:42:36,012 Are there toilets for them? I've seen their faces. 1051 00:42:36,054 --> 00:42:38,765 I can't be sure of this, but one of them has a look like, 1052 00:42:38,807 --> 00:42:40,684 "I should have taken my chances back in Germany." 1053 00:42:40,725 --> 00:42:41,893 -Oh... -Papa. 1054 00:42:41,935 --> 00:42:43,311 He's a pompous ass! I said it. 1055 00:42:43,353 --> 00:42:45,105 Did you hear that? Is that the fridge? 1056 00:42:45,146 --> 00:42:47,399 Oh, God, she's going after the dessert. 1057 00:42:47,440 --> 00:42:49,150 -(door shuts) -Shirley! 1058 00:42:49,192 --> 00:42:51,236 (Abe sighs) 1059 00:42:56,032 --> 00:42:58,702 Are you really going back to school? 1060 00:42:58,743 --> 00:43:01,329 No. 1061 00:43:01,371 --> 00:43:04,541 What are you gonna do? 1062 00:43:04,582 --> 00:43:07,168 I don't know. 1063 00:43:16,636 --> 00:43:18,305 What's this for? 1064 00:43:18,346 --> 00:43:19,681 I don't know. 1065 00:43:23,059 --> 00:43:25,645 (door opens, shuts) 1066 00:43:28,648 --> 00:43:30,942 (inhales deeply) 1067 00:43:35,405 --> 00:43:37,824 (sniffing) 1068 00:43:40,827 --> 00:43:41,995 (Joel and Moishe arguing) 1069 00:43:42,037 --> 00:43:43,788 JOEL: Where we gonna go, huh? 1070 00:43:43,830 --> 00:43:45,206 MOISHE: I don't care, the street-- what do I care? 1071 00:43:45,248 --> 00:43:46,458 -Oh, God. -JOEL: Aw, you're bluffing. 1072 00:43:46,499 --> 00:43:48,001 MOISHE: I'm not bluffing. 1073 00:43:48,043 --> 00:43:49,044 This is not a bluff you want to call. 1074 00:43:49,085 --> 00:43:50,253 I'm doing nothing. 1075 00:43:50,295 --> 00:43:51,588 This is all you, my boy. 1076 00:43:51,629 --> 00:43:53,214 Are you crazy? It was a wedding gift. 1077 00:43:53,256 --> 00:43:54,507 What was a wedding gift? 1078 00:43:54,549 --> 00:43:55,800 A wedding gift to a married couple. 1079 00:43:55,842 --> 00:43:57,052 A gift for you and Miriam. 1080 00:43:57,093 --> 00:43:58,094 You say there's no longer a couple? 1081 00:43:58,136 --> 00:43:59,721 Fine, I'll take it back. 1082 00:43:59,763 --> 00:44:01,097 The apartment is in my name. 1083 00:44:01,139 --> 00:44:02,515 I can do what I want with it. 1084 00:44:02,557 --> 00:44:04,768 -He owns your apartment? -Why would you do this? 1085 00:44:04,809 --> 00:44:05,769 You say you want me out of your life. 1086 00:44:05,810 --> 00:44:07,103 Okay, I'm out of your life. 1087 00:44:07,145 --> 00:44:08,438 But I'm taking the apartment with me. 1088 00:44:08,480 --> 00:44:09,564 You're a real son of a bitch. 1089 00:44:09,606 --> 00:44:10,648 Joel. It-it's not true. 1090 00:44:10,690 --> 00:44:12,067 Tell me it's not true. 1091 00:44:12,108 --> 00:44:13,068 You going back to school, Miriam? 1092 00:44:13,109 --> 00:44:14,319 Take a business class. 1093 00:44:14,361 --> 00:44:15,987 'Cause the boy here doesn't know 1094 00:44:16,029 --> 00:44:18,031 -his ass from his elbows. -Hey, hey, we have neighbors. 1095 00:44:18,073 --> 00:44:19,616 He's fuckin' lousy with numbers. 1096 00:44:19,657 --> 00:44:21,409 You guys are broke. You're living hand to mouth. 1097 00:44:21,451 --> 00:44:23,661 Joel buys you flowers, they're from me. 1098 00:44:23,703 --> 00:44:25,246 -Joel... -You own nothing. 1099 00:44:25,288 --> 00:44:28,208 Your apartment is mine, his job is his uncle's, so mine. 1100 00:44:28,249 --> 00:44:30,335 He's provided nothing, he's saved nothing. 1101 00:44:30,377 --> 00:44:32,087 Joel, please talk. 1102 00:44:32,128 --> 00:44:35,340 You didn't tell her. Your wife, she didn't know. 1103 00:44:35,382 --> 00:44:38,218 -Toddlers, both of you. -Okay, get out of my house. 1104 00:44:38,259 --> 00:44:40,512 -Uh, you mean my house. -I don't care whose house it is! 1105 00:44:40,553 --> 00:44:41,638 Get out if it! 1106 00:44:41,679 --> 00:44:42,806 Let's be clear about it... 1107 00:44:42,847 --> 00:44:44,974 (all shouting) 1108 00:44:45,016 --> 00:44:47,852 Mosh, get out of here! I said get out, both of you! 1109 00:44:47,894 --> 00:44:50,438 Just stop... Just take him out of here... 1110 00:44:50,480 --> 00:44:53,024 -SHIRLEY: The happy family. -Shirley... 1111 00:44:53,066 --> 00:44:55,568 WOMAN: Wichita. 1112 00:44:55,610 --> 00:44:58,905 Wichita. 1113 00:44:58,947 --> 00:45:00,990 Wichita! 1114 00:45:01,032 --> 00:45:03,118 -Excuse me, Miss. -Ha! 1115 00:45:06,663 --> 00:45:11,459 Clothed in mendacity, Wichita. 1116 00:45:11,501 --> 00:45:12,877 Dripping... What the-- Come on. 1117 00:45:12,919 --> 00:45:16,339 Ya zhivu v bolshom dome na kholm. 1118 00:45:16,381 --> 00:45:18,383 That's Russian, motherfucker! 1119 00:45:18,425 --> 00:45:20,635 (audience "oohs") 1120 00:45:20,677 --> 00:45:22,053 And here we go. 1121 00:45:22,095 --> 00:45:23,638 I was a Russian literature major, 1122 00:45:23,680 --> 00:45:25,098 and that line was from a book, 1123 00:45:25,140 --> 00:45:26,683 or a poem-- I can't remember. 1124 00:45:26,724 --> 00:45:28,059 All I can remember is 1125 00:45:28,101 --> 00:45:31,521 Ya zhivu v bolshom dome na kholm, 1126 00:45:31,563 --> 00:45:34,774 which means, "I live in the large house on the hill." 1127 00:45:34,816 --> 00:45:37,694 That's funny. 1128 00:45:37,735 --> 00:45:39,571 That's really funny. 1129 00:45:39,612 --> 00:45:42,365 And the reason it's so funny is because 1130 00:45:42,407 --> 00:45:45,160 I used to live in the large house on the hill. 1131 00:45:45,201 --> 00:45:47,954 And now I live nowhere. 1132 00:45:47,996 --> 00:45:50,790 As of an hour ago, my address changed to "huh?" 1133 00:45:50,832 --> 00:45:52,750 -(laughter) -See, 1134 00:45:52,792 --> 00:45:55,086 my life completely fell apart today, 1135 00:45:55,128 --> 00:45:56,212 and here's why. 1136 00:45:56,254 --> 00:46:01,384 My father-in-law owns my house. 1137 00:46:01,426 --> 00:46:06,389 And he took it back when his son left me. 1138 00:46:06,431 --> 00:46:08,391 (audience reacts mildly) 1139 00:46:08,433 --> 00:46:10,143 Actually, that doesn't sound funny at all. 1140 00:46:10,185 --> 00:46:13,688 That sounds... awful. 1141 00:46:13,730 --> 00:46:15,356 Biblical, right? 1142 00:46:15,398 --> 00:46:18,860 Like, like it's Adam and Eve time, 1143 00:46:18,902 --> 00:46:22,489 and I marry Adam's son, Cain. 1144 00:46:22,530 --> 00:46:24,949 We get a nice little place, I think we're very happy, 1145 00:46:24,991 --> 00:46:28,369 and then one day Cain leaves me for, 1146 00:46:28,411 --> 00:46:30,246 I don't know, his brother Abel, 1147 00:46:30,288 --> 00:46:31,706 because there's only four fuckin' people 1148 00:46:31,748 --> 00:46:33,166 on the planet at this point. 1149 00:46:33,208 --> 00:46:36,044 And then Adam... Adam takes my house 1150 00:46:36,085 --> 00:46:38,546 and tells me to do jigsaw puzzles. 1151 00:46:38,588 --> 00:46:40,465 (laughter) 1152 00:46:41,966 --> 00:46:44,636 God, how did I not know it wasn't our house? 1153 00:46:44,677 --> 00:46:47,680 How stupid am I? I mean, I never thought to ask, 1154 00:46:47,722 --> 00:46:49,390 "Hey, in case you leave me for your secretary, 1155 00:46:49,432 --> 00:46:51,684 what's the situation with our deed?" 1156 00:46:51,726 --> 00:46:54,354 It's the bras, right? 1157 00:46:54,395 --> 00:46:56,105 It's the bras. 1158 00:46:56,147 --> 00:46:59,067 And the... the girdles and the corsets, 1159 00:46:59,108 --> 00:47:01,736 all designed to cut off the circulation to your brain, 1160 00:47:01,778 --> 00:47:04,364 so you walk around on the verge of passing out, 1161 00:47:04,405 --> 00:47:05,990 and you look at your husband, and he tells you things, 1162 00:47:06,032 --> 00:47:07,700 and you just believe them. 1163 00:47:07,742 --> 00:47:09,744 Like, like when you're a little girl, 1164 00:47:09,786 --> 00:47:13,498 and people say, "The princess lived in a magic castle 1165 00:47:13,540 --> 00:47:14,874 "for a hundred years. 1166 00:47:14,916 --> 00:47:17,085 "And then a prince climbed up the side, 1167 00:47:17,126 --> 00:47:19,879 "slayed a dragon, kissed her, woke her up, 1168 00:47:19,921 --> 00:47:22,757 and they lived happily ever after." 1169 00:47:22,799 --> 00:47:26,427 And you think... that's plausible. 1170 00:47:26,469 --> 00:47:27,470 (laughter) 1171 00:47:27,512 --> 00:47:28,805 Couple of details are fuzzy, 1172 00:47:28,846 --> 00:47:30,390 but sure, I'll buy that. 1173 00:47:30,431 --> 00:47:33,518 Later, you find out the prince's father owns the castle, 1174 00:47:33,560 --> 00:47:35,728 the prince's secretary knows shorthand, 1175 00:47:35,770 --> 00:47:37,605 and Sleeping Beauty's screwed. 1176 00:47:37,647 --> 00:47:39,649 (laughter) 1177 00:47:39,691 --> 00:47:41,109 You've heard about the shorthand girls? 1178 00:47:41,150 --> 00:47:44,195 These are girls whose skill in life 1179 00:47:44,237 --> 00:47:47,031 is not writing full sentences. 1180 00:47:47,073 --> 00:47:50,368 Meanwhile, I went to college to learn Russian. 1181 00:47:50,410 --> 00:47:53,746 And speaking of vodka, why don't they serve booze here? 1182 00:47:53,788 --> 00:47:55,081 I need a drink. 1183 00:47:55,123 --> 00:47:56,541 I need a stiff drink. 1184 00:47:56,583 --> 00:47:58,751 I need a drink so stiff I could blow it. 1185 00:47:58,793 --> 00:48:00,503 -Sorry, that's un-ladylike. -(laughter) 1186 00:48:00,545 --> 00:48:02,964 You look offended. 1187 00:48:03,006 --> 00:48:04,924 I don't mean to offend the delicate. 1188 00:48:04,966 --> 00:48:07,760 I-I used to be delicate. I was delightful. 1189 00:48:07,802 --> 00:48:11,347 I was a goddamn flower. I smelled like roses, 1190 00:48:11,389 --> 00:48:13,725 and sunshine shone out of my ass. 1191 00:48:13,766 --> 00:48:15,602 -(loud laughter) -What? 1192 00:48:15,643 --> 00:48:17,812 I said sunshine. 1193 00:48:17,854 --> 00:48:21,357 Hey, when you get home, check the name on your deed. 1194 00:48:21,399 --> 00:48:22,567 Oh, you are kidding me. 1195 00:48:22,609 --> 00:48:24,402 I know I must seem a bit angry 1196 00:48:24,444 --> 00:48:27,405 and deranged to you all right now, and I am. 1197 00:48:27,447 --> 00:48:30,617 I'll admit, I would like to repeatedly kick 1198 00:48:30,658 --> 00:48:32,744 every man in here in the balls 1199 00:48:32,785 --> 00:48:34,120 over the course of the next several hours. 1200 00:48:34,162 --> 00:48:37,915 I won't, though. I am still a lady. 1201 00:48:37,957 --> 00:48:39,959 And a lady never kicks men repeatedly in the balls 1202 00:48:40,001 --> 00:48:41,502 for longer than 20, 30 minutes tops. 1203 00:48:41,544 --> 00:48:44,547 Because then their girdles start to draw blood. 1204 00:48:44,589 --> 00:48:46,174 -(laughter) -All right, all right. 1205 00:48:46,215 --> 00:48:48,217 I told you about the language. You know the drill. 1206 00:48:48,259 --> 00:48:49,761 Officer Peluso... 1207 00:48:49,802 --> 00:48:53,765 Ladies and gentlemen, Officer Peluso! 1208 00:48:55,516 --> 00:48:57,769 He arrested me just the other night. 1209 00:48:57,810 --> 00:48:59,979 Come down from there right now or I'm coming up there. 1210 00:49:00,021 --> 00:49:01,689 Officer, sorry, I work alone. 1211 00:49:01,731 --> 00:49:03,858 Now, and apparently for the rest of my life. 1212 00:49:03,900 --> 00:49:06,194 I'm gonna count to five. One... (count continues) 1213 00:49:06,235 --> 00:49:08,655 That's the end of my show, folks. Tune in next week, 1214 00:49:08,696 --> 00:49:11,157 when my grandmother steals my pearls and fucks my boyfriend. 1215 00:49:11,199 --> 00:49:13,201 Five! Let's go, Peluso. 1216 00:49:13,242 --> 00:49:16,245 (cheering, whistling) 1217 00:49:21,125 --> 00:49:23,419 That's my client. 1218 00:49:26,422 --> 00:49:29,050 We charge for pictures now. 1219 00:49:29,092 --> 00:49:31,844 (cheering, applause continue) 1220 00:49:31,886 --> 00:49:34,847 (David Bowie's "Rebel Rebel" playing) 1221 00:49:34,889 --> 00:49:36,891 ♪ ♪ 1222 00:49:39,560 --> 00:49:43,731 ♪ Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo ♪ 1223 00:49:47,402 --> 00:49:51,114 ♪ Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo ♪ 1224 00:49:54,951 --> 00:49:58,955 ♪ You've got your mother in a whirl ♪ 1225 00:49:58,996 --> 00:50:02,667 ♪ She's not sure if you're a boy or a girl ♪ 1226 00:50:02,709 --> 00:50:06,713 ♪ Hey, babe, your hair's all right ♪ 1227 00:50:06,754 --> 00:50:10,383 ♪ Hey, babe, let's go out tonight ♪ 1228 00:50:10,425 --> 00:50:14,220 ♪ You like me and I like it all ♪ 1229 00:50:14,262 --> 00:50:17,515 ♪ We like dancing and we look divine ♪ 1230 00:50:17,557 --> 00:50:21,894 ♪ You love bands when they play it hard ♪ 1231 00:50:21,936 --> 00:50:25,440 ♪ You want more and you want it fast ♪ 1232 00:50:25,481 --> 00:50:29,193 ♪ They put you down, they say I'm wrong ♪ 1233 00:50:29,235 --> 00:50:33,030 ♪ You tacky thing, you put them on ♪ 1234 00:50:33,072 --> 00:50:36,951 ♪ Rebel Rebel, you've torn your dress ♪ 1235 00:50:36,993 --> 00:50:40,788 ♪ Rebel Rebel, your face is a mess ♪ 1236 00:50:40,830 --> 00:50:44,500 ♪ Rebel Rebel, how could they know? ♪ 1237 00:50:44,542 --> 00:50:48,421 ♪ Hot tramp, I love you so ♪ 1238 00:50:51,257 --> 00:50:52,675 ♪ Don't ya ♪ 1239 00:50:56,304 --> 00:50:59,932 ♪ Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo ♪ 1240 00:51:03,644 --> 00:51:06,856 ♪ You've got your mother in a whirl ♪ 1241 00:51:06,898 --> 00:51:11,486 ♪ 'Cause she's not sure if you're a boy or a girl ♪ 1242 00:51:11,527 --> 00:51:15,156 ♪ Hey, babe, your hair's all right ♪ 1243 00:51:15,198 --> 00:51:18,659 ♪ Hey, babe, let's stay out tonight ♪ 1244 00:51:18,701 --> 00:51:21,496 ♪ You like me and I like it all ♪ 1245 00:51:21,537 --> 00:51:26,459 ♪ We like dancing and we look divine... ♪