1 00:00:05,173 --> 00:00:07,108 [chatter] 2 00:00:07,175 --> 00:00:08,876 [tapping on glass] 3 00:00:08,942 --> 00:00:10,178 Shh! 4 00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:14,282 Woman: Who gives a toast at her own wedding? 5 00:00:15,783 --> 00:00:16,950 I mean, who does that? 6 00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:18,186 Who stands in the middle of a ballroom 7 00:00:18,252 --> 00:00:19,953 after three glasses of champagne 8 00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:21,422 on a completely empty stomach-- 9 00:00:21,489 --> 00:00:23,023 and I mean completely empty 10 00:00:23,091 --> 00:00:24,492 because fitting into this dress 11 00:00:24,558 --> 00:00:27,461 required no solid food for three straight weeks. 12 00:00:27,528 --> 00:00:28,762 Who does that? 13 00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:30,798 I do. 14 00:00:36,737 --> 00:00:38,939 This day is perfect. 15 00:00:39,006 --> 00:00:40,308 It's like a dream-- 16 00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:42,276 or a nightmare if you're my father. 17 00:00:42,343 --> 00:00:43,844 "How much for the flowers?" 18 00:00:43,911 --> 00:00:45,146 "Who eats mushroom caps?" 19 00:00:45,213 --> 00:00:46,647 "Do the caterers have any idea 20 00:00:46,714 --> 00:00:48,582 what the Jews just went through a few years ago?" 21 00:00:48,649 --> 00:00:50,384 Two cakes, one for eating. 22 00:00:50,451 --> 00:00:52,220 - We're very happy. - [laughter] 23 00:00:52,286 --> 00:00:54,888 This day has been long in planning. 24 00:00:54,955 --> 00:00:56,557 Anyone who knows me knows I plan. 25 00:00:56,624 --> 00:00:59,860 At 6 I decided Russian literature would be my major. 26 00:00:59,927 --> 00:01:02,130 At 12 I found my signature haircut. 27 00:01:02,196 --> 00:01:03,597 At 13 I announced 28 00:01:03,664 --> 00:01:05,566 I was going to Bryn Mawr College. 29 00:01:05,633 --> 00:01:07,768 In Katharine Hepburn's old room. 30 00:01:07,835 --> 00:01:09,370 From Day 1 I knew 31 00:01:09,437 --> 00:01:11,038 that decision was a charmed one. 32 00:01:11,105 --> 00:01:13,207 * Did you say * 33 00:01:13,274 --> 00:01:16,844 * I've got a lot to learn? * 34 00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:19,313 First of all, my roommate Petra was friendly and fat, 35 00:01:19,380 --> 00:01:21,349 which was perfect. I'll have someone to eat with 36 00:01:21,415 --> 00:01:22,583 who won't steal my boyfriend. 37 00:01:22,650 --> 00:01:24,585 It smells so good. [giggling] 38 00:01:24,652 --> 00:01:27,655 The campus was old and elegant, 39 00:01:27,721 --> 00:01:31,625 with ivy-covered buildings and stained glass windows 40 00:01:31,692 --> 00:01:32,793 and... 41 00:01:32,860 --> 00:01:35,028 Monogrammed butter pats. 42 00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:36,697 What? [gasp] Oh. 43 00:01:36,764 --> 00:01:38,366 This was a magical place 44 00:01:38,432 --> 00:01:39,833 where butter was beautiful 45 00:01:39,900 --> 00:01:41,802 and I would solve the mysteries of the universe 46 00:01:41,869 --> 00:01:44,472 and meet brilliant women, kindred spirits 47 00:01:44,538 --> 00:01:47,441 who would explore this brave new world with me. 48 00:01:47,508 --> 00:01:49,210 Ooh! My God, it's burning. 49 00:01:49,277 --> 00:01:50,544 It's supposed to. It's bleach. 50 00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:52,246 It's awful. I hate you for this. 51 00:01:52,313 --> 00:01:53,847 - It was your idea. - Never listen to me. 52 00:01:53,914 --> 00:01:54,982 I'm nuts. 53 00:01:55,048 --> 00:01:56,550 Why aren't you in pain? 54 00:01:56,617 --> 00:01:57,818 I'm from Kansas. 55 00:01:57,885 --> 00:01:59,220 I don't know what that means. 56 00:01:59,287 --> 00:02:00,921 - How much longer? - Ten minutes. 57 00:02:00,988 --> 00:02:02,122 Oh, Jiminy Crickets. 58 00:02:02,190 --> 00:02:04,892 Where are you going? Where is she going? 59 00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:06,727 I don't know. 60 00:02:06,794 --> 00:02:09,663 Midge. Midge? 61 00:02:09,730 --> 00:02:10,764 Midge! 62 00:02:10,831 --> 00:02:13,267 - How much longer? - Nine minutes! 63 00:02:13,334 --> 00:02:16,404 - Holy fucking Christ balls! - [laughter] 64 00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:17,771 But all of these marvelous adventures 65 00:02:17,838 --> 00:02:20,541 were simply the preamble to my ultimate destiny. 66 00:02:20,608 --> 00:02:23,010 I was going to meet a man-- 67 00:02:23,076 --> 00:02:24,845 a perfect man. 68 00:02:24,912 --> 00:02:27,681 He would be 6'4" and blond, 69 00:02:27,748 --> 00:02:30,884 and his name would be Dashiell or Stafford or-- 70 00:02:30,951 --> 00:02:33,521 Joel. Joel Maisel. 71 00:02:37,225 --> 00:02:38,692 Best buildup since Iceman Cometh. 72 00:02:38,759 --> 00:02:43,697 Joel Maisel was my knight in shining armor, 73 00:02:43,764 --> 00:02:45,065 a gift from God, 74 00:02:45,132 --> 00:02:46,434 and he thought I was brilliant. 75 00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:49,837 He took me to galleries and poetry readings 76 00:02:49,903 --> 00:02:51,539 and Greek dramas. 77 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:54,242 [wolf whistle] 78 00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:00,180 [wolf whistle] 79 00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:05,219 Uh, excuse me. Excuse me, Miss. 80 00:03:05,286 --> 00:03:06,654 Thanks, toots. 81 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:09,189 Man: Honey, don't go away. 82 00:03:09,257 --> 00:03:10,824 She's going to need that. 83 00:03:10,891 --> 00:03:12,393 [laughing] 84 00:03:12,460 --> 00:03:16,897 That was Misty Dream, ladies and gentlemen. 85 00:03:16,964 --> 00:03:19,700 You know, she's only 18-- 86 00:03:19,767 --> 00:03:21,469 in dog years. 87 00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:25,306 Anyway, I'll leave the jokes to our next performer. 88 00:03:25,373 --> 00:03:28,309 He's fresh out of the Merchant Marines 89 00:03:28,376 --> 00:03:32,112 or some patriotic shit like that. 90 00:03:32,179 --> 00:03:34,782 And, uh, let's hear it for him-- 91 00:03:34,848 --> 00:03:36,149 Lenny Bruce. 92 00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:38,118 This is the guy I wanted you to see. 93 00:03:38,185 --> 00:03:40,220 No way he's funnier than Misty. 94 00:03:40,288 --> 00:03:41,722 Thank you. 95 00:03:41,789 --> 00:03:43,557 And so I was reading the paper, 96 00:03:43,624 --> 00:03:45,259 and, uh, there was a story. 97 00:03:45,326 --> 00:03:47,995 These kids-- uh, 8- and 9-year-old-- 98 00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:52,032 were sniffing airplane glue to get high on. 99 00:03:52,099 --> 00:03:54,568 These kids are responsible for turning musicians on 100 00:03:54,635 --> 00:03:56,637 to a lot of things they never knew about, actually. 101 00:03:56,704 --> 00:03:59,373 Then I had a fantasy of how it happened. 102 00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:01,309 The kid is alone in his room. 103 00:04:01,375 --> 00:04:02,676 It's Saturday. 104 00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:05,546 The kid is played by George Macready. 105 00:04:06,780 --> 00:04:07,781 [sniffing] 106 00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:09,450 [as George Macready] Well, let's see now. 107 00:04:09,517 --> 00:04:11,285 I'm all alone in a room, and it's Saturday. 108 00:04:11,352 --> 00:04:13,287 I'll make an airplane. That's what I'll do. 109 00:04:13,354 --> 00:04:14,888 I'll make a Lancaster. 110 00:04:14,955 --> 00:04:16,290 Good structural design. 111 00:04:16,357 --> 00:04:17,791 I'll get the balsa wood here. 112 00:04:17,858 --> 00:04:20,227 I'll cut it out. I'll sand it down. 113 00:04:20,294 --> 00:04:21,729 Add a little airplane glue. 114 00:04:21,795 --> 00:04:23,964 I'll rub it on a rag and, uh-- 115 00:04:24,031 --> 00:04:26,133 [sniff] 116 00:04:26,199 --> 00:04:29,002 - Hey now. - [laughter] 117 00:04:29,069 --> 00:04:30,771 I'm getting loaded. 118 00:04:31,805 --> 00:04:34,342 Midge: Oh, the things Joel taught me. 119 00:04:34,408 --> 00:04:36,310 You know what I want? 120 00:04:36,377 --> 00:04:38,145 Please don't say a virgin. 121 00:04:38,211 --> 00:04:40,080 I want to make you laugh 122 00:04:40,147 --> 00:04:41,482 every day of your life. 123 00:04:41,549 --> 00:04:43,283 Oh, great, but not now, though. 124 00:04:43,351 --> 00:04:45,453 - No, no, not now. - Mm-mm. 125 00:04:46,987 --> 00:04:48,956 I have been very lucky. 126 00:04:49,022 --> 00:04:50,824 I have wonderful parents. 127 00:04:50,891 --> 00:04:52,593 I've had a very comfortable life, 128 00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:54,294 and though I knew that love would be great, 129 00:04:54,362 --> 00:04:55,996 I had no idea it would be anything 130 00:04:56,063 --> 00:04:57,965 that could justify what I paid for this dress. 131 00:04:58,031 --> 00:05:01,034 What I paid for that dress. We're very happy. 132 00:05:01,101 --> 00:05:02,770 And because it's better 133 00:05:02,836 --> 00:05:04,372 than anything I could have imagined, 134 00:05:04,438 --> 00:05:05,873 I thought I should get up here today 135 00:05:05,939 --> 00:05:09,176 and tell all of you that I love this man. 136 00:05:09,242 --> 00:05:10,544 [clapping] 137 00:05:10,611 --> 00:05:13,246 And yes, there is shrimp in the egg rolls. 138 00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:14,748 - [gasping] - [glass shatters] 139 00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:16,484 Miriam. 140 00:05:16,550 --> 00:05:17,651 [murmuring] 141 00:05:17,718 --> 00:05:20,087 Excuse me. We have a problem. 142 00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:21,389 Rabbi, she's kidding. 143 00:05:21,455 --> 00:05:22,523 [arguing] 144 00:05:22,590 --> 00:05:23,891 You show me in the Bible 145 00:05:23,957 --> 00:05:25,593 where God says you can't eat shrimp. 146 00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:27,995 Leviticus. Whatever does not have fins or scales, 147 00:05:28,061 --> 00:05:30,030 - you shall not eat. - But did He say shrimp? 148 00:05:30,097 --> 00:05:32,433 Cyril Ritchard: * We were in for a wonderful day * 149 00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:34,201 * As I told you before * 150 00:05:34,267 --> 00:05:36,704 * When I saw what I saw * 151 00:05:36,770 --> 00:05:41,108 * I was terribly tempted to say * 152 00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:46,179 * On a wonderful day like today * 153 00:05:46,246 --> 00:05:49,983 * I defy any cloud to appear in the sky * 154 00:05:50,050 --> 00:05:53,020 * Dare any raindrop to pop in my eye * 155 00:05:53,086 --> 00:05:56,089 * On a wonderful day like today * 156 00:05:56,156 --> 00:05:59,727 * On a wonderful morning like this * 157 00:05:59,793 --> 00:06:01,161 * When the sun is as big... * 158 00:06:01,228 --> 00:06:03,296 Lefty, we got the rabbi. 159 00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:04,565 Hmm? How? When? 160 00:06:04,632 --> 00:06:05,899 We heard today. My mother fainted, 161 00:06:05,966 --> 00:06:07,735 then called four people, then fainted again. 162 00:06:07,801 --> 00:06:09,036 This year, on Yom Kippur, 163 00:06:09,102 --> 00:06:10,771 Rabbi Krinsky will be breaking fast 164 00:06:10,838 --> 00:06:12,440 - at our house. - You're gonna need some lamb. 165 00:06:12,506 --> 00:06:13,874 Rabbi loves his lamb. 166 00:06:13,941 --> 00:06:16,043 Excuse me. I'm in the middle of an order here. 167 00:06:16,109 --> 00:06:18,311 - I'm so sorry. What were you getting? - Pork chops. 168 00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:19,413 Put her pork chops on my tab. 169 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:20,881 Oh, I can't believe it. 170 00:06:20,948 --> 00:06:22,382 The rabbi's been mad at us since the wedding. 171 00:06:22,450 --> 00:06:23,817 It only took four years of apologies 172 00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:25,586 and a dreidel signed by Sammy Davis Jr., 173 00:06:25,653 --> 00:06:27,688 but we finally got the bastard. 174 00:06:27,755 --> 00:06:30,357 - Disgraceful. - You like your free pork chops? 175 00:06:30,424 --> 00:06:32,025 - Zip it, then. - Delivery Thursday? 176 00:06:32,092 --> 00:06:33,326 After 10. 177 00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:34,995 I grabbed a couple of black and whites. 178 00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:38,098 * May I take this occasion to say * 179 00:06:38,165 --> 00:06:39,500 We got the rabbi! 180 00:06:39,567 --> 00:06:40,934 * That the whole human race * 181 00:06:41,001 --> 00:06:43,103 * Should go down on its knees * 182 00:06:43,170 --> 00:06:46,039 * Show that they're grateful for mornings like these * 183 00:06:46,106 --> 00:06:47,975 * For the world's in a wonderful way * 184 00:06:48,041 --> 00:06:50,110 Antonio, I bought you a black and white. 185 00:06:50,177 --> 00:06:52,813 Oh, thank you, Mrs. Maisel. 186 00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:54,414 Jerry, nice tie. 187 00:06:54,482 --> 00:06:56,049 Got you a black and white. 188 00:06:56,116 --> 00:06:57,785 chorus: * When the sun is as big * 189 00:06:57,851 --> 00:06:59,853 * As a yellow balloon * 190 00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:01,555 - * Even the sparrows * - Thank you, Jerry. 191 00:07:01,622 --> 00:07:02,956 * Are singing in tune * 192 00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:06,059 * On a wonderful morning like this * 193 00:07:06,126 --> 00:07:07,728 Ritchard: * On a wonderful day * 194 00:07:07,795 --> 00:07:13,934 * Day like today * 195 00:07:21,909 --> 00:07:25,045 Perfect. You are perfect. 196 00:07:26,246 --> 00:07:28,649 [phone rings] 197 00:07:32,385 --> 00:07:33,654 - [ring] - Hello. 198 00:07:33,721 --> 00:07:35,455 You tell everyone about the rabbi? 199 00:07:35,523 --> 00:07:37,958 What am I, a braggart? Please. How's work? 200 00:07:38,025 --> 00:07:39,693 I believe something got sold today. 201 00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:40,961 - Hmm. - How's the brisket? 202 00:07:41,028 --> 00:07:43,030 I'm buying it a sash and a crown. 203 00:07:43,096 --> 00:07:44,464 Good. We'll need it. 204 00:07:44,532 --> 00:07:46,534 I got a terrible stage time for tonight: 1:45. 205 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:48,401 - Yikes. - I bowed out of my lunch meeting 206 00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:49,903 and got downtown as quickly as I could. 207 00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:51,639 But that guy who runs the Gaslight-- 208 00:07:51,705 --> 00:07:52,973 Baz. You must learn his name. 209 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:55,643 Fine. Baz still gave me the crappiest time. 210 00:07:55,709 --> 00:07:57,845 - He hates me. - Don't worry. We'll fix it. 211 00:07:57,911 --> 00:07:59,680 He doesn't see me as a real comedian. 212 00:07:59,747 --> 00:08:01,248 I mean, I'm not a real comedian yet, 213 00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:03,050 but if he'd just give me a better time-- 214 00:08:03,116 --> 00:08:04,852 - We will fix it. - 1:45. 215 00:08:04,918 --> 00:08:06,419 No one is there at 1:45. 216 00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:07,821 They're not? Well, then we'll fix it. 217 00:08:07,888 --> 00:08:09,389 I don't know what I'd do without you. 218 00:08:09,456 --> 00:08:11,892 - Go on at 1:45. - Bye. 219 00:08:11,959 --> 00:08:13,694 So the waiter says, "Fine. I'll try it." 220 00:08:13,761 --> 00:08:14,895 He looks at the bowl 221 00:08:14,962 --> 00:08:16,396 and says "Where the hell is the spoon?" 222 00:08:16,463 --> 00:08:18,599 And the customer says "Aha." 223 00:08:18,666 --> 00:08:20,267 So he didn't bring him a spoon. 224 00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:21,702 [laughing] 225 00:08:21,769 --> 00:08:23,170 And that's why he didn't eat the soup. 226 00:08:23,236 --> 00:08:24,471 No spoon. 227 00:08:24,538 --> 00:08:26,406 Well, you can't eat a soup with no spoon. 228 00:08:26,473 --> 00:08:28,441 Oh, boy. That's a good joke there. 229 00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:32,145 Uh-huh. Penny, can you walk Mitchell down to Al's office? 230 00:08:32,212 --> 00:08:34,247 - Of course. - Al can take you through the specs. 231 00:08:34,314 --> 00:08:37,885 Okay. Boy, I'll be laughing about that spoon for a week. 232 00:08:37,951 --> 00:08:38,919 [laughing] 233 00:08:42,990 --> 00:08:44,157 Oi. 234 00:08:57,571 --> 00:08:59,072 I saw Funt heading down the hall. 235 00:08:59,139 --> 00:09:01,642 I sent him over to Al's office. He's fine. 236 00:09:01,709 --> 00:09:03,110 You heading down to the Village tonight? 237 00:09:03,176 --> 00:09:04,878 Midge will be here any minute. 238 00:09:04,945 --> 00:09:06,747 Joel Maisel, king of comedy. 239 00:09:06,814 --> 00:09:08,015 All right, all right. 240 00:09:08,081 --> 00:09:09,617 You know, Imogene's dying to see your act. 241 00:09:09,683 --> 00:09:10,851 I told her I don't know why. 242 00:09:10,918 --> 00:09:12,552 I see you acting ridiculous all day long. 243 00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:14,221 Very amusing. Can I use that? 244 00:09:14,287 --> 00:09:15,656 Seriously, when can we come? 245 00:09:15,723 --> 00:09:17,324 I have a cab waiting downstairs. 246 00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:19,026 - Hi, Archie. - Why'd you have him wait? 247 00:09:19,092 --> 00:09:20,794 We could have taken another cab. 248 00:09:20,861 --> 00:09:22,462 I know, but the driver's having trouble with his marriage, 249 00:09:22,529 --> 00:09:24,331 and I hated to send him off like that. 250 00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:25,599 So I'll come next week? 251 00:09:25,666 --> 00:09:28,035 Next week. Why not? 252 00:09:28,101 --> 00:09:30,037 Bye, Archie. 253 00:09:30,103 --> 00:09:31,038 Good night, Penny. 254 00:09:31,104 --> 00:09:32,172 Good night. 255 00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:43,183 Barbra Streisand: * If you want to buy a kite * 256 00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:45,152 * Or a pup to keep you up at night * 257 00:09:45,218 --> 00:09:47,087 * Or a dwarf who used to know Snow White * 258 00:09:47,154 --> 00:09:49,389 * Or a frog who loves to sing * 259 00:09:49,456 --> 00:09:53,060 * Come to the supermarket in old Peking * 260 00:09:53,126 --> 00:09:54,862 * If you want a bust of jade * 261 00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:56,563 * Or an egg that's more or less decayed * 262 00:09:56,630 --> 00:09:58,766 * Or in case you'd care to meet a maid * 263 00:09:58,832 --> 00:10:01,168 * For a nice but naughty fling * 264 00:10:01,234 --> 00:10:04,104 * Come to the supermarket in old Peking * 265 00:10:04,171 --> 00:10:06,807 * They have bird nest soup, seaweed soup * 266 00:10:06,874 --> 00:10:08,308 * Noodle soup, poodle soup * 267 00:10:08,375 --> 00:10:10,711 * Talking crows with the croup * 268 00:10:10,778 --> 00:10:12,479 * Almost anything * 269 00:10:12,545 --> 00:10:14,247 * If you want to buy a saw * 270 00:10:14,314 --> 00:10:16,116 * Or a fish delicious when it's raw * 271 00:10:16,183 --> 00:10:18,051 * Or a pill to kill your mother-in-law * 272 00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:20,487 * Or a bee without a sting * 273 00:10:20,553 --> 00:10:22,122 * Come to the supermarket * 274 00:10:22,189 --> 00:10:23,891 * If you come on a turtle, you can park it * 275 00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:25,625 * So come to the supermarket * 276 00:10:25,693 --> 00:10:27,427 * If you come on a goose, you can park it * 277 00:10:27,494 --> 00:10:29,596 * So come to the supermarket * 278 00:10:29,663 --> 00:10:31,598 * And see * 279 00:10:31,665 --> 00:10:38,906 * Peking * 280 00:10:40,207 --> 00:10:43,276 - **[rhythm section] - [chatter] 281 00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:53,520 * Some people say man is made out of mud * 282 00:10:53,586 --> 00:10:56,857 *A poor man's made out of muscle and blood * 283 00:10:56,924 --> 00:10:59,993 * Muscle and blood and skin and bone * 284 00:11:00,060 --> 00:11:02,963 * A mind that's weak and a back that's strong * 285 00:11:03,030 --> 00:11:04,832 - * You load 16 tons... * - Packed house. 286 00:11:04,898 --> 00:11:06,166 Yeah, it won't be at 1:45. 287 00:11:06,233 --> 00:11:08,035 Oi, my God, with the one-track mind. 288 00:11:08,101 --> 00:11:10,170 Go. Sit. Let the master work. 289 00:11:10,237 --> 00:11:13,040 - [phone rings] - *Don't you call me 'cause I can't go * 290 00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:14,607 - [ring] - *I owe my soul * 291 00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:16,076 * To the company store * 292 00:11:16,143 --> 00:11:17,745 - waitress: Coming right up. - [ring] 293 00:11:17,811 --> 00:11:19,980 Fuck! 294 00:11:20,047 --> 00:11:21,448 [ring] 295 00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:24,351 What? Gaslight. What? 296 00:11:24,417 --> 00:11:25,886 Yes. We're open. 297 00:11:25,953 --> 00:11:28,121 Don't know. When everyone's gone. 298 00:11:28,188 --> 00:11:31,224 Dr. Salk should find a vaccine for morons. 299 00:11:31,291 --> 00:11:31,925 Yes? 300 00:11:31,992 --> 00:11:33,693 I'm looking for Baz. 301 00:11:33,761 --> 00:11:35,295 Shitter, back on the right. 302 00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:36,830 I'll wait till he's done. 303 00:11:38,365 --> 00:11:39,466 That the brisket? 304 00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:40,700 It's for Baz. 305 00:11:40,768 --> 00:11:41,969 We pay the coffee guy? 306 00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:43,703 - Yes. - Where in here does it say that? 307 00:11:43,771 --> 00:11:45,739 Jesus Christ, Baz. 308 00:11:45,806 --> 00:11:47,407 Hello, Midge. Is that-- 309 00:11:47,474 --> 00:11:48,809 I made my brisket. 310 00:11:48,876 --> 00:11:50,610 So I'm guessing your husband doesn't like 311 00:11:50,677 --> 00:11:51,812 his time slot tonight. 312 00:11:51,879 --> 00:11:53,313 No, he loves his time slot. 313 00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:54,547 He loves any time slot. 314 00:11:54,614 --> 00:11:55,749 There's just a tiny problem. 315 00:11:55,816 --> 00:11:56,984 Our daughter is sick. 316 00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:58,752 Earache, And 1:45 is just so late. 317 00:11:58,819 --> 00:12:00,220 I didn't know what to do. I thought-- 318 00:12:00,287 --> 00:12:02,022 Didn't your son have the measles last week? 319 00:12:02,089 --> 00:12:04,157 What? Uh, yes. Yes, he did. 320 00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:06,193 And the week before that, your mother had rickets? 321 00:12:06,259 --> 00:12:08,428 Yes. So painful. 322 00:12:08,495 --> 00:12:09,662 And last month, 323 00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:10,864 your sister-in-law broke her toe. 324 00:12:10,931 --> 00:12:12,099 Your brother threw out his back. 325 00:12:12,165 --> 00:12:13,433 That's a lot of health issues. 326 00:12:13,500 --> 00:12:15,068 Your family might want to eat some fruit. 327 00:12:15,135 --> 00:12:16,804 I'll take that into consideration. 328 00:12:16,870 --> 00:12:18,872 Okay. 10:30. 329 00:12:18,939 --> 00:12:21,208 Next time, I'd like some latkes. 330 00:12:21,274 --> 00:12:23,410 I make great latkes, genius latkes. 331 00:12:23,476 --> 00:12:24,744 You won't be sorry. 332 00:12:24,812 --> 00:12:26,179 * Saint Peter, don't you call me * 333 00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:27,981 - *'cause I can't go * - Pussy. 334 00:12:28,048 --> 00:12:31,084 * I owe my soul to the company store * 335 00:12:31,151 --> 00:12:32,285 10:30. 336 00:12:32,352 --> 00:12:33,453 You're kidding. 337 00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:34,687 Mm-hmm. Where's my kiss? 338 00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:37,190 I should be kissing the brisket. 339 00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:38,225 [giggling] 340 00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:40,227 * A lot of men didn't, a lot-- * 341 00:12:40,293 --> 00:12:41,728 The next act up 342 00:12:41,795 --> 00:12:44,497 is a nice clean-cut young man, 343 00:12:44,564 --> 00:12:45,799 somebody your mother would love. 344 00:12:45,866 --> 00:12:47,134 He's a comedian. 345 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:50,137 Give a big hand for Joel Maisel. 346 00:12:55,475 --> 00:12:56,877 Thanks a lot. 347 00:12:56,944 --> 00:13:00,080 So many of you may have read the book 348 00:13:00,147 --> 00:13:01,681 The Hidden Persuaders. 349 00:13:01,748 --> 00:13:03,817 It's about Madison Avenue's marketing men 350 00:13:03,884 --> 00:13:06,053 and how they create the public personas 351 00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:09,923 we all learn to know and trust and vote for. 352 00:13:09,990 --> 00:13:11,324 [light laughter] 353 00:13:11,391 --> 00:13:12,459 Well, what if, 354 00:13:12,525 --> 00:13:14,461 during the Civil War, 355 00:13:14,527 --> 00:13:16,796 there was no Lincoln? 356 00:13:16,864 --> 00:13:18,598 What if they had to create him? 357 00:13:18,665 --> 00:13:19,833 [laughter] 358 00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:21,801 This is a telephone conversation 359 00:13:21,869 --> 00:13:23,971 between Abe Lincoln and his press agent 360 00:13:24,037 --> 00:13:25,572 just before Gettysburg. 361 00:13:28,475 --> 00:13:30,377 Hi, Abe, sweetheart. How are you, kid? 362 00:13:30,443 --> 00:13:31,444 [laughter] 363 00:13:31,511 --> 00:13:33,480 How's Gettysburg? 364 00:13:33,546 --> 00:13:34,614 Sort of a drag, huh? 365 00:13:34,681 --> 00:13:35,983 Well, Abe, you know 366 00:13:36,049 --> 00:13:37,417 them small Pennsylvania towns-- 367 00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:39,819 you seen one, you seen them all. 368 00:13:39,887 --> 00:13:41,521 What's the problem? 369 00:13:42,856 --> 00:13:44,424 You're thinking of shaving it off? 370 00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:45,926 Uh, Abe, 371 00:13:45,993 --> 00:13:47,827 don't you see that's part of the image? 372 00:13:47,895 --> 00:13:50,563 Right, with the shawl and the stove pipe hat 373 00:13:50,630 --> 00:13:52,165 and the string tie. 374 00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:54,968 You don't have the shawl? 375 00:13:55,035 --> 00:13:56,436 [laughter] 376 00:13:56,503 --> 00:13:57,637 Where's the shawl, Abe? 377 00:13:57,704 --> 00:13:59,772 You left it in Washington? 378 00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:01,741 What are you wearing, Abe? 379 00:14:01,808 --> 00:14:03,977 A sort of cardigan? 380 00:14:04,044 --> 00:14:05,678 Abe, don't you see that doesn't go 381 00:14:05,745 --> 00:14:07,314 with the string tie and beard? 382 00:14:07,380 --> 00:14:08,215 [laughter] 383 00:14:08,281 --> 00:14:10,017 Abe, would you leave the beard on 384 00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:12,652 - and get the shawl, huh? - [laughter] 385 00:14:12,719 --> 00:14:14,922 All right, now, Abe, you got your speech, right? 386 00:14:14,988 --> 00:14:17,757 Abe, you haven't changed the speech, have you? 387 00:14:17,824 --> 00:14:19,927 $3.30 and one subway token. 388 00:14:19,993 --> 00:14:21,094 I'll take that token. 389 00:14:21,161 --> 00:14:22,862 Tonight was great. I killed. 390 00:14:22,930 --> 00:14:24,497 I had a good time, so I killed. 391 00:14:24,564 --> 00:14:27,300 I need an audience. I feed off an audience. 392 00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:29,402 I finished, people started to leave. Did you see that? 393 00:14:29,469 --> 00:14:30,670 I almost left myself. 394 00:14:30,737 --> 00:14:32,072 10:30. Perfect slot. 395 00:14:32,139 --> 00:14:33,673 Give me that slot again next time. 396 00:14:33,740 --> 00:14:35,642 Hey. here. 397 00:14:37,744 --> 00:14:39,112 Saw your act. 398 00:14:43,083 --> 00:14:44,617 Don't forget the latkes. 399 00:14:46,619 --> 00:14:47,854 Who's that guy? 400 00:14:47,921 --> 00:14:48,989 She works there. 401 00:14:49,056 --> 00:14:51,758 Heh heh. Only in the Village. 402 00:14:51,824 --> 00:14:53,093 Taxi! 403 00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:54,694 You got three more laughs tonight 404 00:14:54,761 --> 00:14:55,929 than you did last time, 405 00:14:55,996 --> 00:14:58,465 and a couple of extra, like, laughlets. 406 00:14:58,531 --> 00:15:00,533 But what you were shaking your head for? 407 00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:03,703 - Hmm? - Nothing. You were great. 408 00:15:03,770 --> 00:15:05,505 I was great. 409 00:15:06,806 --> 00:15:08,075 You know, 410 00:15:08,141 --> 00:15:11,411 you don't really say hello to the audience. 411 00:15:11,478 --> 00:15:13,013 Maybe you should write a beginning, 412 00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:15,515 something that says who you are or something. 413 00:15:15,582 --> 00:15:16,549 What do you think? 414 00:15:16,616 --> 00:15:18,151 [snoring] 415 00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:25,458 Good evening. What a nice... 416 00:15:25,525 --> 00:15:27,194 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 417 00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:29,062 Thank you for the nice-- nice-- 418 00:15:29,129 --> 00:15:31,231 "Nice" is a bad, bad word. 419 00:15:32,832 --> 00:15:34,367 All that applause for me? 420 00:15:34,434 --> 00:15:37,004 What am I, putting out after? 421 00:15:37,070 --> 00:15:39,973 One standing ovation, everyone goes home pregnant. 422 00:15:44,111 --> 00:15:45,979 Maybe you could do impressions to start. 423 00:15:46,046 --> 00:15:47,847 You do a great one of my aunt Bertha 424 00:15:47,914 --> 00:15:49,149 ordering dinner. 425 00:15:49,216 --> 00:15:51,684 "A garnish can be festive but deadly." 426 00:15:51,751 --> 00:15:52,885 Good night, Gracie. 427 00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:54,254 Good night, Gracie. 428 00:16:07,367 --> 00:16:08,635 [snoring] 429 00:16:23,683 --> 00:16:25,552 [water running] 430 00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:09,262 [water running] 431 00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:45,465 [alarm buzzes] 432 00:17:45,532 --> 00:17:46,466 [stop] 433 00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:51,571 Hey. 434 00:17:52,772 --> 00:17:53,906 Good morning. 435 00:17:53,973 --> 00:17:55,242 [yawn] 436 00:17:55,308 --> 00:17:56,943 Did the alarm go off? 437 00:17:57,009 --> 00:17:58,178 It sure did. 438 00:17:58,245 --> 00:18:00,147 Wow. I didn't hear it at all. 439 00:18:00,213 --> 00:18:01,781 You never do. 440 00:18:06,719 --> 00:18:09,088 Peggy Lee: * Yes, it's a good day * 441 00:18:09,156 --> 00:18:10,823 * For singin' a song * 442 00:18:10,890 --> 00:18:12,559 * And it's a good day * 443 00:18:12,625 --> 00:18:14,427 * For movin' along * 444 00:18:14,494 --> 00:18:16,596 - * Yes, it's a good day * - [buzz] 445 00:18:16,663 --> 00:18:18,665 * How could anything be wrong? * 446 00:18:18,731 --> 00:18:21,601 * A good day from mornin' till night * 447 00:18:21,668 --> 00:18:24,571 - Good morning, Jerry. - Good morning, Mrs. Maisel. 448 00:18:24,637 --> 00:18:26,206 * For shining your shoes * 449 00:18:26,273 --> 00:18:28,441 * And it's a good day * 450 00:18:28,508 --> 00:18:30,510 * For losin' the blues * 451 00:18:30,577 --> 00:18:32,579 - * Everything to gain * - Thanks, Jerry. 452 00:18:32,645 --> 00:18:34,414 * Nothin' to lose * 453 00:18:34,481 --> 00:18:37,150 * A good day from mornin' till night * 454 00:18:37,217 --> 00:18:39,552 Hello. It's me. 455 00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:41,488 Good morning, Miss Miriam. Can I get you some coffee? 456 00:18:41,554 --> 00:18:43,590 Oh, yes, Zelda, please. 457 00:18:43,656 --> 00:18:45,625 - Good morning, Papa. - Mm. 458 00:18:45,692 --> 00:18:47,160 Good morning, Ethan. 459 00:18:47,227 --> 00:18:48,795 Good morning, Ethan. 460 00:18:48,861 --> 00:18:51,531 Ethan. Ethan. Ethan. 461 00:18:51,598 --> 00:18:52,565 E-- Never mind. 462 00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:54,267 - Here you are. - Did you get coffee? 463 00:18:54,334 --> 00:18:56,068 Yes, and a great welcome from my son. 464 00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:58,538 - Men. - Thanks for taking the kids last night. 465 00:18:58,605 --> 00:18:59,406 Were they okay? 466 00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:00,773 We need to talk about the baby. 467 00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:02,409 Why? What's the matter with her? 468 00:19:04,544 --> 00:19:06,513 That forehead is not improving. 469 00:19:06,579 --> 00:19:08,448 - What? Are you sure? - It's getting bigger. 470 00:19:08,515 --> 00:19:10,283 The whole face will be out of proportion. 471 00:19:10,350 --> 00:19:11,884 Look at the nose. It's elongating now. 472 00:19:11,951 --> 00:19:14,821 The nose is not the problem. The nose you can fix. 473 00:19:14,887 --> 00:19:16,122 But this gigantic forehead. 474 00:19:16,189 --> 00:19:17,557 Ma, there's always bangs. 475 00:19:17,624 --> 00:19:19,359 I'm just afraid she's not a very pretty girl. 476 00:19:19,426 --> 00:19:21,694 - Mama, she's a baby. - I just want her to be happy. 477 00:19:21,761 --> 00:19:23,730 It's easier to be happy when you're pretty. 478 00:19:23,796 --> 00:19:24,897 [crying] 479 00:19:24,964 --> 00:19:26,165 You're right. Bangs will help. 480 00:19:26,233 --> 00:19:27,367 Mm-hmm. 481 00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:37,009 Zelda, don't clean in here. It's fine just the way it is. 482 00:19:37,076 --> 00:19:38,845 How did Joel's little show go? 483 00:19:38,911 --> 00:19:40,146 It went very well. 484 00:19:40,213 --> 00:19:42,014 I still don't understand this whole thing. 485 00:19:42,081 --> 00:19:43,483 Whom is he performing for? 486 00:19:43,550 --> 00:19:45,585 - Anyone who shows up. - And they pay you? 487 00:19:45,652 --> 00:19:47,487 They pass around a basket at the end of your set, 488 00:19:47,554 --> 00:19:49,121 and whatever's in it you get to take home. 489 00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:50,457 If you need money, we can give you money. 490 00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:51,758 No, we don't need money. 491 00:19:51,824 --> 00:19:53,760 Joel is funny, and he likes to do his comedy. 492 00:19:53,826 --> 00:19:55,395 How long are you going to be doing this, 493 00:19:55,462 --> 00:19:56,763 running around at night, 494 00:19:56,829 --> 00:19:58,731 taking money from strangers like a schnorrer? 495 00:19:58,798 --> 00:19:59,932 As long as it's fun. 496 00:19:59,999 --> 00:20:02,068 Six to nine more months left on those arms. 497 00:20:02,134 --> 00:20:03,803 Really? I've been doing those exercises 498 00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:04,937 with the soup cans. 499 00:20:05,004 --> 00:20:06,239 Forget the cans. Buy a bolero. 500 00:20:06,306 --> 00:20:07,507 How did you get in here? 501 00:20:07,574 --> 00:20:09,008 Zelda: I came through the other door. 502 00:20:09,075 --> 00:20:10,310 Just because there is a door 503 00:20:10,377 --> 00:20:11,811 does not mean you use it. 504 00:20:11,878 --> 00:20:13,646 A door does not represent infinite possibilities. 505 00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:14,981 Is everything ordered for next week? 506 00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:16,683 Yes, all done. Ethan, put your coat on. 507 00:20:16,749 --> 00:20:18,485 You have a whole apartment to clean. 508 00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:20,219 Just leave this room the way it is. 509 00:20:20,287 --> 00:20:21,654 I thought we'd do dinner at your place. 510 00:20:21,721 --> 00:20:23,122 Your dining room's bigger than ours. 511 00:20:23,189 --> 00:20:24,424 Our dining room is fine. 512 00:20:24,491 --> 00:20:25,992 If you don't entertain, it's fine. 513 00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:27,394 I'll call you later. Bye, Papa. 514 00:20:27,460 --> 00:20:28,861 Clean the bathroom. Clean the bathroom. 515 00:20:28,928 --> 00:20:30,630 - Say goodbye, Ethan. - You love bathrooms. 516 00:20:30,697 --> 00:20:32,131 Ethan. Ethan. 517 00:20:32,198 --> 00:20:33,333 - Clean them again. - Ethan. E-- 518 00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:34,534 Never mind. 519 00:20:35,768 --> 00:20:38,037 * For fun it's the premium one * 520 00:20:38,104 --> 00:20:40,540 She's going on and on about this miracle treatment 521 00:20:40,607 --> 00:20:41,808 she had done in Mexico. 522 00:20:41,874 --> 00:20:43,343 It involved goat's milk and avocadoes. 523 00:20:43,410 --> 00:20:45,278 Right ankle 8, left ankle 8. 524 00:20:45,345 --> 00:20:46,713 They smear it on your face, 525 00:20:46,779 --> 00:20:48,281 wrap a hot towel around your head, 526 00:20:48,348 --> 00:20:49,682 and stick two straws up your nose. 527 00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:51,183 Right calf 11, left calf 11. 528 00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:52,585 So you can breathe through the straws. 529 00:20:52,652 --> 00:20:54,421 Then they put you on a boat and row you out to sea-- 530 00:20:54,487 --> 00:20:55,888 Right thigh 18. 531 00:20:55,955 --> 00:20:57,123 And they drop the anchor, 532 00:20:57,189 --> 00:20:58,491 and you sit there for four hours. 533 00:20:58,558 --> 00:20:59,826 Right thigh 18 1/2. 534 00:20:59,892 --> 00:21:01,328 - Then they row you back in-- - Hips 34. 535 00:21:01,394 --> 00:21:03,262 - And they scrape you down-- - Waist 25. 536 00:21:03,330 --> 00:21:04,664 ...slap you in the face with old banana skins-- 537 00:21:04,731 --> 00:21:06,999 - Bust 32. - ...charge you $75, and send you home. 538 00:21:07,066 --> 00:21:09,201 She thinks she looks 20. I think she looks the same. 539 00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:10,470 Mm. 540 00:21:10,537 --> 00:21:12,104 God, you are so proportional. 541 00:21:12,171 --> 00:21:14,206 How long have you been measuring yourself like this? 542 00:21:14,273 --> 00:21:15,708 Every day for ten years. 543 00:21:15,775 --> 00:21:17,276 - Even when you were pregnant? - Mm. 544 00:21:17,344 --> 00:21:19,245 There's not enough Daiquiris in the world. 545 00:21:19,312 --> 00:21:20,313 ...Chicago, one of the great comedy-- 546 00:21:20,380 --> 00:21:21,548 [door opens] 547 00:21:21,614 --> 00:21:22,815 ...recording stars in the country-- 548 00:21:22,882 --> 00:21:24,651 Bob Newhart. So let's hear it-- 549 00:21:24,717 --> 00:21:27,219 There you are. Are you hungry? I made curry, 550 00:21:27,286 --> 00:21:28,821 and I ordered Chinese in case it's awful. 551 00:21:28,888 --> 00:21:30,990 I'm sure it's fine. Did we have children? 552 00:21:31,057 --> 00:21:32,091 They're upstairs. 553 00:21:32,158 --> 00:21:33,693 - Hi, Imogene. - Hey, Joel. 554 00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:35,094 Did you hear we're coming downtown 555 00:21:35,161 --> 00:21:36,463 to see you tomorrow night? 556 00:21:36,529 --> 00:21:38,064 We haven't been below 14th in months. 557 00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:39,065 We're very excited. 558 00:21:39,131 --> 00:21:40,232 Don't except too much. 559 00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:41,267 Oh, you'd better be great. 560 00:21:41,334 --> 00:21:42,635 I'm going to wear a beret. 561 00:21:42,702 --> 00:21:43,770 - See you tomorrow. - Bye. 562 00:21:43,836 --> 00:21:46,406 - Mwah. Goodbye, Joel. - Bye. 563 00:21:46,473 --> 00:21:49,041 Ah, the curry's terrible. We'll have the takeout. 564 00:21:49,108 --> 00:21:51,378 Bob Newhart: You've seen one, you've seen them all. 565 00:21:51,444 --> 00:21:53,012 [chuckling] 566 00:21:53,079 --> 00:21:54,414 Right. Uh, listen, Abe, 567 00:21:54,481 --> 00:21:56,816 I got-- What's the problem? 568 00:21:56,883 --> 00:22:00,119 Y-You're thinking of shaving it off? 569 00:22:00,186 --> 00:22:01,654 [laughter] 570 00:22:01,721 --> 00:22:02,955 Uh, Abe, 571 00:22:03,022 --> 00:22:04,857 don't you see that's part of the image? 572 00:22:04,924 --> 00:22:07,594 Right, with the shawl and the stove pipe hat 573 00:22:07,660 --> 00:22:08,795 and the string tie. 574 00:22:08,861 --> 00:22:10,863 You don't have the shawl? 575 00:22:10,930 --> 00:22:11,864 [laughter] 576 00:22:11,931 --> 00:22:13,232 Uh, where's the shawl, Abe? 577 00:22:13,299 --> 00:22:14,233 Joel? 578 00:22:14,300 --> 00:22:16,369 Joel. 579 00:22:16,436 --> 00:22:18,337 You're not gonna believe this. 580 00:22:18,405 --> 00:22:20,306 Bob Newhart is doing your act. 581 00:22:20,373 --> 00:22:22,108 - What? - Bob Newhart. 582 00:22:22,174 --> 00:22:24,110 He's on "Ed Sullivan." He's doing your act. 583 00:22:24,176 --> 00:22:26,112 He must have come to the club one night 584 00:22:26,178 --> 00:22:27,313 and seen you perform, 585 00:22:27,380 --> 00:22:28,481 and now he's on television 586 00:22:28,548 --> 00:22:29,749 doing it just like you do. 587 00:22:29,816 --> 00:22:31,283 Well, different because he does it faster, 588 00:22:31,350 --> 00:22:32,452 which is better, actually, 589 00:22:32,519 --> 00:22:33,586 but that's besides the point. 590 00:22:33,653 --> 00:22:35,021 I'm mad. Aren't you mad? 591 00:22:35,087 --> 00:22:36,355 Midge, relax. 592 00:22:36,423 --> 00:22:37,690 You're not mad. 593 00:22:37,757 --> 00:22:38,725 No. 594 00:22:38,791 --> 00:22:40,126 Or stunned. 595 00:22:40,192 --> 00:22:41,928 Not even mildly bemused? 596 00:22:41,994 --> 00:22:43,362 It's his act. 597 00:22:44,397 --> 00:22:45,665 What? 598 00:22:45,732 --> 00:22:47,534 Are you gonna put the rest of this on a platter? 599 00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:49,569 How is it his act? How do you know his act? 600 00:22:49,636 --> 00:22:51,137 I've got his record. 601 00:22:51,203 --> 00:22:53,305 So you stole Bob Newhart's act. 602 00:22:53,372 --> 00:22:55,107 It's fine. Everybody does it. 603 00:22:55,174 --> 00:22:56,743 Everybody steals his act? 604 00:22:56,809 --> 00:22:57,410 Yes. 605 00:22:57,477 --> 00:22:59,311 No. Not steals. 606 00:22:59,378 --> 00:23:01,280 Borrows. It's no big deal. 607 00:23:01,347 --> 00:23:02,782 It's not? When I found out 608 00:23:02,849 --> 00:23:04,350 June Freedman used my meatloaf recipe, 609 00:23:04,417 --> 00:23:06,218 I almost stabbed her in the eye with a fork. 610 00:23:06,285 --> 00:23:07,687 Everybody in comedy steals-- 611 00:23:07,754 --> 00:23:08,621 Borrows. 612 00:23:08,688 --> 00:23:10,289 Borrows everybody else's jokes, 613 00:23:10,356 --> 00:23:11,858 especially at the beginning. 614 00:23:11,924 --> 00:23:13,926 Bob Newhart probably used Henny Youngman's stuff 615 00:23:13,993 --> 00:23:15,127 when he started. 616 00:23:15,194 --> 00:23:17,396 - It's how it's done. - Oh. 617 00:23:17,464 --> 00:23:19,031 Well, if that's how it's done. 618 00:23:19,098 --> 00:23:20,066 It is. 619 00:23:22,234 --> 00:23:24,070 I thought you'd written it-- 620 00:23:24,136 --> 00:23:25,104 that act. 621 00:23:27,740 --> 00:23:29,576 I feel a little silly now. 622 00:23:29,642 --> 00:23:32,011 Well, I did put my spin on it. 623 00:23:32,078 --> 00:23:32,879 Yes. You slowed it down. 624 00:23:32,945 --> 00:23:34,481 And my inflection is different. 625 00:23:34,547 --> 00:23:36,382 Right. I'm new to this, so-- 626 00:23:36,449 --> 00:23:37,984 You'll learn. 627 00:23:38,050 --> 00:23:39,351 I guess I will. 628 00:23:39,418 --> 00:23:40,653 You want a drink? 629 00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:41,688 Sure. 630 00:23:44,791 --> 00:23:47,727 Guess I'd better go apologize to June Freedman now. 631 00:23:57,970 --> 00:24:00,072 [phone rings] 632 00:24:02,675 --> 00:24:04,076 - Hello. - How's the brisket? 633 00:24:04,143 --> 00:24:05,745 -Is it okay? -Do you know something I don't? 634 00:24:05,812 --> 00:24:07,213 Just answer the question, Midge. 635 00:24:07,279 --> 00:24:08,548 Yes. It's fine. What's the matter? 636 00:24:08,615 --> 00:24:10,016 I had to work straight through lunch, 637 00:24:10,082 --> 00:24:12,619 so I couldn't go downtown to get a time for tonight. 638 00:24:12,685 --> 00:24:14,621 - Tonight, you understand? - Tonight. Yes, I understand. 639 00:24:14,687 --> 00:24:16,088 Archie and Imogene are coming, remember? 640 00:24:16,155 --> 00:24:17,256 Of course I remember. 641 00:24:17,323 --> 00:24:18,390 They're coming tonight, 642 00:24:18,457 --> 00:24:19,826 and I don't have a time. 643 00:24:19,892 --> 00:24:21,828 You know what? Cancel them. Tell them I'm sick. 644 00:24:21,894 --> 00:24:23,395 They've got a babysitter. It's all arranged. 645 00:24:23,462 --> 00:24:24,931 I should have changed that lunch, damn it. 646 00:24:24,997 --> 00:24:26,533 Joel, come on. I promise you'll get on. 647 00:24:26,599 --> 00:24:28,267 I'll bring the brisket. I'll do my thing. 648 00:24:28,334 --> 00:24:29,502 Everything will be fine, okay? 649 00:24:29,569 --> 00:24:31,771 - Okay. - Hey. 650 00:24:31,838 --> 00:24:33,239 Remember this whole comedy thing, 651 00:24:33,305 --> 00:24:34,373 it's supposed to be fun. 652 00:24:34,440 --> 00:24:35,842 That's why we do it, right? 653 00:24:35,908 --> 00:24:37,610 Right. Well, you'll have to bring me 654 00:24:37,677 --> 00:24:39,078 my show sweater. I left it at home. 655 00:24:39,145 --> 00:24:41,147 - I can do that. - And you have to be here right at 8. 656 00:24:41,213 --> 00:24:42,649 I will be on time. 657 00:24:42,715 --> 00:24:44,116 Okay. I should go. 658 00:24:45,852 --> 00:24:47,319 [exhale] 659 00:24:47,386 --> 00:24:48,655 Huh. 660 00:24:48,721 --> 00:24:51,157 Your daddy is crazy. 661 00:24:52,391 --> 00:24:54,193 Now let's measure that forehead. 662 00:24:57,396 --> 00:24:58,865 Pull over here. I'll just be a minute. 663 00:24:59,999 --> 00:25:00,767 Oh, geez. 664 00:25:00,833 --> 00:25:02,001 Where the hell have you been? 665 00:25:02,068 --> 00:25:03,302 - It's 8:30. - I know. I'm sorry. 666 00:25:03,369 --> 00:25:04,704 Go. Go, go. 667 00:25:10,109 --> 00:25:11,644 - Do you have my sweater? - Yes. 668 00:25:11,711 --> 00:25:13,212 You didn't have to stand out there. 669 00:25:13,279 --> 00:25:14,480 I would have come up. 670 00:25:14,547 --> 00:25:16,082 You get here at 8, you come up. 671 00:25:16,148 --> 00:25:17,283 Are you kidding me? 672 00:25:17,349 --> 00:25:18,751 - What? - Holes. 673 00:25:18,818 --> 00:25:20,019 - Holes everywhere. - What? 674 00:25:20,086 --> 00:25:21,187 I can't believe you didn't look at it 675 00:25:21,253 --> 00:25:22,622 before you left the house. 676 00:25:22,689 --> 00:25:24,256 I was in a hurry to meet you. You can hardly see them. 677 00:25:24,323 --> 00:25:25,592 Hardly see? Look, look. 678 00:25:25,658 --> 00:25:28,595 A hole here, a hole here, two holes here. 679 00:25:28,661 --> 00:25:29,762 I mean, how does this happen? 680 00:25:29,829 --> 00:25:31,397 It was probably a moth. 681 00:25:31,463 --> 00:25:33,099 - A moth? - Yes. 682 00:25:33,165 --> 00:25:34,333 What moth? 683 00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:35,735 Ted. Ted the Moth. 684 00:25:35,802 --> 00:25:37,403 Dime-sized holes, that's his signature. 685 00:25:37,469 --> 00:25:39,205 - You think this is funny? - I think it doesn't matter. 686 00:25:39,271 --> 00:25:41,340 Going on stage with holes in my shirt like a bum. 687 00:25:41,407 --> 00:25:44,611 It's downtown. If you have underwear on, you're overdressed. 688 00:25:46,813 --> 00:25:48,748 Hey, why don't you talk about it? 689 00:25:48,815 --> 00:25:50,049 - About what? - About your sweater. 690 00:25:50,116 --> 00:25:51,550 You know, joke about it in your act. 691 00:25:51,618 --> 00:25:53,519 It'll be fun, personal, yours. 692 00:25:53,586 --> 00:25:54,687 I don't know. 693 00:25:54,754 --> 00:25:56,055 Oh, great. They're here. 694 00:25:56,122 --> 00:25:57,590 Okay, why don't you go join them, 695 00:25:57,657 --> 00:25:59,291 have a cup of coffee, calm down? 696 00:25:59,358 --> 00:26:00,559 I'll go deal with this, okay? 697 00:26:00,627 --> 00:26:02,261 Yeah, fine. Hurry. 698 00:26:02,328 --> 00:26:03,630 Mm-hmm. 699 00:26:07,533 --> 00:26:09,001 Excuse me. Is Baz around? 700 00:26:09,068 --> 00:26:10,336 Nope. 701 00:26:14,373 --> 00:26:15,708 Excuse me. 702 00:26:15,775 --> 00:26:19,779 Um, do you see my husband Joel Maisel over there? 703 00:26:20,847 --> 00:26:22,281 Okay. He couldn't get away from work 704 00:26:22,348 --> 00:26:25,251 to come down here earlier for a time to perform. 705 00:26:25,317 --> 00:26:27,086 He's a comedian. 706 00:26:27,153 --> 00:26:28,855 Anyhow, it was a crazy day at work, 707 00:26:28,921 --> 00:26:30,757 and, see, tonight our best friends are here-- 708 00:26:30,823 --> 00:26:32,291 - the Clearys, and-- - Wait a minute. 709 00:26:32,358 --> 00:26:34,193 The Clearys are here? 710 00:26:34,260 --> 00:26:35,461 You're kidding me. Where? 711 00:26:35,527 --> 00:26:36,696 Over there. 712 00:26:37,964 --> 00:26:39,999 Well, I will be damned. 713 00:26:40,066 --> 00:26:43,402 Well, that is exciting. The Clearys are here. 714 00:26:43,469 --> 00:26:44,771 Wow. 715 00:26:47,506 --> 00:26:48,941 Anyhow, 716 00:26:49,008 --> 00:26:50,977 I was wondering if you could find a way 717 00:26:51,043 --> 00:26:52,745 to give my husband a better time-- 718 00:26:52,812 --> 00:26:54,546 preferably before 11:30. 719 00:26:54,613 --> 00:26:55,748 Why isn't he over here? 720 00:26:55,815 --> 00:26:57,083 - What? - Mr. Saturday Night. 721 00:26:57,149 --> 00:26:58,651 Why isn't he asking for the time? 722 00:26:58,718 --> 00:27:00,452 Why are you asking for the time? 723 00:27:00,519 --> 00:27:02,054 Well, I have the brisket. 724 00:27:05,124 --> 00:27:06,158 So... 725 00:27:06,225 --> 00:27:08,294 anything you can do would be great. 726 00:27:08,360 --> 00:27:10,362 So thanks. 727 00:27:12,665 --> 00:27:14,834 That looks like Allen Ginsberg. 728 00:27:14,901 --> 00:27:16,803 Imogene, doesn't that look like Allen Ginsberg? 729 00:27:16,869 --> 00:27:18,604 Everyone here looks like Allen Ginsberg. 730 00:27:18,671 --> 00:27:19,939 - Hey, there, kitten. - Hi. 731 00:27:20,006 --> 00:27:21,507 This place is perfectly filthy. 732 00:27:21,573 --> 00:27:22,641 You should see the bathroom. 733 00:27:22,709 --> 00:27:24,010 Don't go in the bathroom. 734 00:27:24,076 --> 00:27:25,812 Well, now I'm definitely going in the bathroom. 735 00:27:25,878 --> 00:27:27,079 [Archie, Midge laugh] 736 00:27:27,146 --> 00:27:29,015 - Oh. - Archie: No, no. I got this. 737 00:27:29,081 --> 00:27:30,382 A starving artist never pays. 738 00:27:30,449 --> 00:27:31,851 I'm not a starving artist. 739 00:27:31,918 --> 00:27:33,285 Your sweater tells another story. 740 00:27:33,352 --> 00:27:34,553 Here you go. 741 00:27:34,620 --> 00:27:36,655 So? What did he say? 742 00:27:36,723 --> 00:27:37,924 Uh, he wasn't there, 743 00:27:37,990 --> 00:27:39,658 but the lady said she'd work it out. 744 00:27:41,861 --> 00:27:43,896 [tuning up] 745 00:27:45,798 --> 00:27:48,000 Man: Now who here likes hillbilly polka? 746 00:27:49,435 --> 00:27:51,103 All right, next up, a lady 747 00:27:51,170 --> 00:27:53,372 fresh off some boat from somewhere. 748 00:27:53,439 --> 00:27:54,774 When the hell am I going on? 749 00:27:54,841 --> 00:27:56,108 I don't know. Soon. 750 00:27:56,175 --> 00:27:57,676 Janet Shaw. 751 00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:03,015 Woman: All right. 752 00:28:03,082 --> 00:28:05,584 This poem is about... 753 00:28:05,651 --> 00:28:07,219 Spokane. 754 00:28:10,857 --> 00:28:12,458 Spokane... 755 00:28:13,760 --> 00:28:15,194 Spokane. 756 00:28:16,763 --> 00:28:18,164 Spokane. 757 00:28:20,166 --> 00:28:21,700 Man. 758 00:28:23,702 --> 00:28:24,937 [whisper] I'll be right back. 759 00:28:25,004 --> 00:28:28,407 Rumble of lumber trucks. 760 00:28:28,474 --> 00:28:29,441 Spokane. 761 00:28:29,508 --> 00:28:31,043 - Where is she? - Who? 762 00:28:31,110 --> 00:28:32,544 The one who looks like she lives under a bridge. 763 00:28:32,611 --> 00:28:34,513 Oh. Susie. She went out. 764 00:28:34,580 --> 00:28:35,714 Do you know where? 765 00:28:35,782 --> 00:28:37,149 God, no. Who would ask? 766 00:28:37,216 --> 00:28:39,819 Poet: Robbers of the indigenous. 767 00:28:39,886 --> 00:28:41,320 - Any minute now. - Spokane. 768 00:28:41,387 --> 00:28:42,989 Kitten, we're going to have to take a rain check. 769 00:28:43,055 --> 00:28:44,290 Oh, it was a blast, though. 770 00:28:44,356 --> 00:28:46,025 Oh, no, wait-- wait just a few minutes. 771 00:28:46,092 --> 00:28:47,559 We got to head home, too. 772 00:28:47,626 --> 00:28:49,495 - We can't leave. - I have an early morning meeting. 773 00:28:49,561 --> 00:28:51,864 I say we just tell everybody it was Allen Ginsberg. 774 00:28:51,931 --> 00:28:54,300 - You're up. - [gasp] 775 00:28:54,366 --> 00:28:55,667 What? What did he say? 776 00:28:55,734 --> 00:28:56,969 I think she said you're up. 777 00:28:57,036 --> 00:28:58,170 Imogene: Oh, goodie. 778 00:29:00,206 --> 00:29:01,207 Man. 779 00:29:03,342 --> 00:29:04,676 [applause] 780 00:29:04,743 --> 00:29:06,946 Emcee: Thank you, Janet Shaw. 781 00:29:07,013 --> 00:29:08,815 Don't need to go to Spokane now. 782 00:29:08,881 --> 00:29:11,784 All right, up next, we have a comedian. 783 00:29:11,851 --> 00:29:14,020 That's you. Go. Be funny. 784 00:29:14,086 --> 00:29:16,322 - [giggling] - Joel Maisel. 785 00:29:18,257 --> 00:29:19,391 Whoo! 786 00:29:20,827 --> 00:29:22,061 Thank you. Thanks a lot. 787 00:29:22,128 --> 00:29:23,896 So exciting. [giggling] 788 00:29:25,631 --> 00:29:26,866 So... 789 00:29:26,933 --> 00:29:28,167 my sweater... 790 00:29:29,501 --> 00:29:31,237 It's a new sweater, 791 00:29:31,303 --> 00:29:33,139 but I asked my wife to bring it to me 792 00:29:33,205 --> 00:29:34,740 because I work during the day, 793 00:29:34,807 --> 00:29:37,109 so she does, and I put it on. 794 00:29:37,176 --> 00:29:39,011 Holes. 795 00:29:39,078 --> 00:29:41,247 Holes in my sweater. 796 00:29:49,021 --> 00:29:50,489 So I asked, "How did this happen?" 797 00:29:50,556 --> 00:29:51,790 And she says "Moths." 798 00:29:51,858 --> 00:29:53,692 And I'm like, "Moths? What moths?" 799 00:29:53,759 --> 00:29:55,361 And she says "Ted." 800 00:29:57,864 --> 00:29:59,331 "Ted the Moth." 801 00:30:00,266 --> 00:30:01,834 [audience member coughing] 802 00:30:01,901 --> 00:30:04,070 [whisper] He's very avant garde. 803 00:30:04,136 --> 00:30:06,005 Th-That was just-- That was just something 804 00:30:06,072 --> 00:30:08,574 that, uh...happened. 805 00:30:09,641 --> 00:30:10,576 [door closes] 806 00:30:10,642 --> 00:30:13,079 Okay. So, uh, uh... 807 00:30:13,145 --> 00:30:14,380 anyhow, this is, uh, 808 00:30:14,446 --> 00:30:17,416 a press agent talking to Abe Lincoln. 809 00:30:17,483 --> 00:30:19,818 Hi, Abe, sweetheart. How's Gettys-- 810 00:30:19,886 --> 00:30:21,988 Sorry. Did-- Did any of you read the book 811 00:30:22,054 --> 00:30:23,155 The Hidden Persuaders? 812 00:30:23,222 --> 00:30:24,423 It's about marketing agents, 813 00:30:24,490 --> 00:30:25,657 and they had to create Abe Lincoln. 814 00:30:25,724 --> 00:30:26,893 [coughing] 815 00:30:26,959 --> 00:30:28,961 I mean, if they had to create Abe Lincoln. 816 00:30:29,028 --> 00:30:30,429 The book's not about that. 817 00:30:30,496 --> 00:30:33,532 Uh...this-- this bit-- 818 00:30:33,599 --> 00:30:34,833 Anyhow-- 819 00:30:36,969 --> 00:30:39,071 Hi, Abe, sweetheart. How's Gettysburg? 820 00:30:39,138 --> 00:30:40,572 Kind of a drag, huh? 821 00:30:40,639 --> 00:30:43,075 Well, Abe, you know them small Pennsylvania towns-- 822 00:30:43,142 --> 00:30:44,643 you seen one, you seem them all. 823 00:30:44,710 --> 00:30:46,345 What's the problem? 824 00:30:46,412 --> 00:30:48,347 You're thinking of shaving it off? 825 00:30:48,414 --> 00:30:49,781 [toilet flushes] 826 00:30:49,848 --> 00:30:51,850 Uh, Abe, don't you see? 827 00:30:51,918 --> 00:30:54,253 That's, uh-- That doesn't go with the string tie and b-- 828 00:30:54,320 --> 00:30:56,122 Don't you see that's part of the image? 829 00:30:56,188 --> 00:30:59,291 Right, with the shawl and the stove pipe hat and the string tie. 830 00:31:08,500 --> 00:31:11,437 You told me to talk about my sweater. 831 00:31:11,503 --> 00:31:12,538 I know. 832 00:31:14,273 --> 00:31:15,507 I just thought you'd put it 833 00:31:15,574 --> 00:31:17,944 into some sort of joke form or something. 834 00:31:19,345 --> 00:31:20,446 Sorry. 835 00:31:28,620 --> 00:31:29,888 Don't. 836 00:31:48,975 --> 00:31:50,609 Can I get you anything? 837 00:32:20,039 --> 00:32:21,373 What are you doing? 838 00:32:22,741 --> 00:32:25,077 I have to go. 839 00:32:25,144 --> 00:32:26,612 I have to leave. 840 00:32:28,080 --> 00:32:30,983 You. I have to leave you. 841 00:32:32,218 --> 00:32:33,919 That's my suitcase. 842 00:32:33,986 --> 00:32:35,321 It is? 843 00:32:35,387 --> 00:32:38,057 You going to leave me with my suitcase? 844 00:32:39,025 --> 00:32:40,759 Joel, tomorrow's Yom Kippur. 845 00:32:40,826 --> 00:32:42,228 I'm-- I'm-- I'm not happy. 846 00:32:42,294 --> 00:32:44,330 Nobody's happy. It's Yom Kippur. 847 00:32:44,396 --> 00:32:45,797 I don't know how to do this. 848 00:32:45,864 --> 00:32:47,066 I'm not good at things like this. 849 00:32:47,133 --> 00:32:48,434 Things like what? Like leaving me? 850 00:32:48,500 --> 00:32:50,602 - Yes. - So don't. Practice a little. 851 00:32:50,669 --> 00:32:52,338 Try it again when you feel more confident about the moves. 852 00:32:52,404 --> 00:32:53,972 - Midge-- - Joel, the rabbi is coming. 853 00:32:54,040 --> 00:32:55,341 Yeah. I know he is. 854 00:32:55,407 --> 00:32:57,043 Five years we've been trying to get the rabbi, 855 00:32:57,109 --> 00:32:58,644 and this year we got him. We got the rabbi. 856 00:32:58,710 --> 00:32:59,845 I should go. 857 00:32:59,911 --> 00:33:01,313 No. P-Please. I don't understand. 858 00:33:01,380 --> 00:33:03,582 I thought my life was going to be something different. 859 00:33:03,649 --> 00:33:06,152 I thought I was going to be someone different, 860 00:33:06,218 --> 00:33:07,686 but tonight was just so terrible. 861 00:33:07,753 --> 00:33:09,855 I mean, a whole room full of people just watching me bomb. 862 00:33:09,921 --> 00:33:10,956 It was one stupid night. 863 00:33:11,023 --> 00:33:12,091 And I'm up there dying, 864 00:33:12,158 --> 00:33:13,325 and I'm thinking about last week. 865 00:33:13,392 --> 00:33:14,826 We're in temple, and the rabbi tells 866 00:33:14,893 --> 00:33:16,295 that stupid Sodom and Gomorrah joke, 867 00:33:16,362 --> 00:33:17,796 and suddenly the whole synagogue goes nuts. 868 00:33:17,863 --> 00:33:19,965 - So? - He got more laughs in five minutes 869 00:33:20,032 --> 00:33:21,333 than I did in five months. 870 00:33:21,400 --> 00:33:22,868 You're jealous of the rabbi? 871 00:33:22,934 --> 00:33:24,603 He was in Buchenwald. Throw him a bone. 872 00:33:24,670 --> 00:33:26,605 Did you ever think you were supposed to be something, 873 00:33:26,672 --> 00:33:29,608 and, uh, and you suddenly realize you're not? 874 00:33:29,675 --> 00:33:31,177 Yes. Married. 875 00:33:31,243 --> 00:33:32,844 - That's good. You're good. - Joel, please. 876 00:33:32,911 --> 00:33:35,681 I'm never going to be a professional comedian, Midge. Never. 877 00:33:35,747 --> 00:33:37,116 No, of course not. 878 00:33:38,050 --> 00:33:39,418 What do you mean, of course not? 879 00:33:39,485 --> 00:33:40,886 What do you mean, what do I mean? 880 00:33:40,952 --> 00:33:42,988 What did you think all those nights at the club were? 881 00:33:43,055 --> 00:33:44,390 I thought they were fun. 882 00:33:44,456 --> 00:33:45,924 I thought they were our fun couples thing, 883 00:33:45,991 --> 00:33:47,226 like how the Morgensterns play golf 884 00:33:47,293 --> 00:33:48,860 or how the Meyers ballroom dance 885 00:33:48,927 --> 00:33:50,562 or how the Levins pretend they're from Warsaw once a week 886 00:33:50,629 --> 00:33:52,364 to get 10% off of that Polish restaurant 887 00:33:52,431 --> 00:33:54,366 - that does Kielbasa Night. - I can't believe this. 888 00:33:54,433 --> 00:33:55,834 I never knew you were serious about it. 889 00:33:55,901 --> 00:33:57,436 Of course I was serious, Miriam. 890 00:33:57,503 --> 00:33:59,405 What the hell ever made you think I wasn't serious? 891 00:33:59,471 --> 00:34:01,640 Well, for starters, you were doing someone else's act. 892 00:34:01,707 --> 00:34:04,343 I told you, everybody does that when they start. 893 00:34:04,410 --> 00:34:05,677 If you wanted to be a comedian, 894 00:34:05,744 --> 00:34:07,379 you should have at least written a joke. 895 00:34:07,446 --> 00:34:09,014 I tried with the Ted thing. 896 00:34:09,081 --> 00:34:10,549 - I wrote the Ted thing. - And it bombed. 897 00:34:10,616 --> 00:34:12,418 - Because you killed it. - Oh, forget it. 898 00:34:12,484 --> 00:34:14,220 Joel, come on. You have a job. 899 00:34:14,286 --> 00:34:16,188 Yet the comedy was a dream. 900 00:34:16,255 --> 00:34:18,190 Do you know what a dream is? 901 00:34:18,257 --> 00:34:19,991 A dream is what keeps you going 902 00:34:20,058 --> 00:34:21,227 in a job you hate. 903 00:34:21,293 --> 00:34:22,528 Since when do you hate your job? 904 00:34:22,594 --> 00:34:24,263 Do you know what I do, Midge? 905 00:34:24,330 --> 00:34:25,697 You're the vice president of-- 906 00:34:25,764 --> 00:34:26,698 No, no, no, no. 907 00:34:26,765 --> 00:34:28,667 Do you know what I do every day? 908 00:34:28,734 --> 00:34:29,768 Day in and day out, 909 00:34:29,835 --> 00:34:31,503 what the actual physical machinations 910 00:34:31,570 --> 00:34:32,304 of my job are? 911 00:34:32,371 --> 00:34:33,539 - No. - Neither do I! 912 00:34:33,605 --> 00:34:36,308 I take meetings. I take phone calls. 913 00:34:36,375 --> 00:34:37,643 I shuffle paper around, 914 00:34:37,709 --> 00:34:38,477 and I have no idea 915 00:34:38,544 --> 00:34:39,945 of what the hell I actually do. 916 00:34:40,011 --> 00:34:41,580 Maybe if you did, you'd like it more. 917 00:34:42,714 --> 00:34:43,582 I just thought, 918 00:34:43,649 --> 00:34:45,717 with the brisket and the notebook, 919 00:34:45,784 --> 00:34:47,519 I thought you understood. 920 00:34:48,954 --> 00:34:50,722 I'm sorry. 921 00:34:51,790 --> 00:34:54,092 Yeah. Me, too. 922 00:34:54,160 --> 00:34:56,795 But, Joel, you can't just leave. 923 00:34:56,862 --> 00:34:58,230 I love you. 924 00:34:58,297 --> 00:35:00,532 We have a home. We have children. 925 00:35:00,599 --> 00:35:02,100 - They're going to notice. - I have to go. 926 00:35:02,168 --> 00:35:03,635 No, no, no. Wait. I will be better. 927 00:35:03,702 --> 00:35:06,338 I will do better. I-- I'll-- I'll pay more attention. 928 00:35:06,405 --> 00:35:07,573 You can quit your job. 929 00:35:07,639 --> 00:35:09,040 We can go to the club every single night, 930 00:35:09,107 --> 00:35:10,142 and I'll buy more notebooks. 931 00:35:10,209 --> 00:35:11,510 I've been having an affair. 932 00:35:13,979 --> 00:35:15,214 It's been going on for months. 933 00:35:15,281 --> 00:35:16,748 I thought it was a phase, but now-- 934 00:35:16,815 --> 00:35:17,749 Who? 935 00:35:19,418 --> 00:35:20,386 Penny. 936 00:35:22,788 --> 00:35:23,722 Your secretary. 937 00:35:25,457 --> 00:35:26,725 You're leaving me for a girl 938 00:35:26,792 --> 00:35:28,327 who can't figure out how to sharpen pencils? 939 00:35:28,394 --> 00:35:30,095 It's not about her, and it was a new sharpener. 940 00:35:30,162 --> 00:35:32,198 It was electric. All she had to do was push. 941 00:35:32,264 --> 00:35:34,099 Don't you understand? I need to start over. 942 00:35:34,166 --> 00:35:35,834 With her? She wins? 943 00:35:35,901 --> 00:35:37,102 It's not a contest. 944 00:35:37,169 --> 00:35:38,404 I just don't want this life, 945 00:35:38,470 --> 00:35:40,406 this whole upper West Side, 946 00:35:40,472 --> 00:35:42,841 classic six, best seats in temple. 947 00:35:42,908 --> 00:35:44,610 Wife, two kids. 948 00:35:44,676 --> 00:35:46,712 I just don't... 949 00:35:48,013 --> 00:35:49,448 want it. 950 00:35:54,520 --> 00:35:56,722 So you'll tell your parents for me? 951 00:36:01,993 --> 00:36:04,730 Oh, that might be the funniest thing you've ever said. 952 00:36:04,796 --> 00:36:06,198 - Honey-- - Tomorrow is Yom Kippur. 953 00:36:06,265 --> 00:36:07,533 I have 30 people and a rabbi 954 00:36:07,599 --> 00:36:08,934 coming over for break fast, 955 00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:10,402 and this is the moment you decide 956 00:36:10,469 --> 00:36:12,504 to tell me you're going to ride off into the sunset 957 00:36:12,571 --> 00:36:14,573 with your half-wit secretary. 958 00:36:14,640 --> 00:36:15,674 Can I just say 959 00:36:15,741 --> 00:36:20,479 that you have the worst timing ever? 960 00:36:20,546 --> 00:36:21,980 I'm sorry. 961 00:36:22,047 --> 00:36:24,616 Go on. Get out. 962 00:36:24,683 --> 00:36:26,184 Grab some pens on your way out. 963 00:36:26,252 --> 00:36:27,553 You're going to need them. 964 00:36:43,435 --> 00:36:45,837 ** [Woman singing in French] 965 00:36:52,478 --> 00:36:54,280 Jerry: Good evening, Mr. Maisel. 966 00:36:54,346 --> 00:36:55,847 Going on a trip? 967 00:37:20,038 --> 00:37:21,973 Papa. 968 00:37:22,040 --> 00:37:23,842 Rose. 969 00:37:23,909 --> 00:37:25,544 Papa. 970 00:37:25,611 --> 00:37:26,878 Rose. 971 00:37:26,945 --> 00:37:28,179 Papa, wait. I-- I just-- 972 00:37:28,246 --> 00:37:29,981 - Rose! - I'm here. My God. 973 00:37:30,048 --> 00:37:32,451 What are you wearing? It's not thinning. 974 00:37:32,518 --> 00:37:33,919 I have something to tell you. 975 00:37:33,985 --> 00:37:36,322 You should both sit. 976 00:37:40,659 --> 00:37:41,693 Joel left. 977 00:37:42,594 --> 00:37:44,162 He packed up my suitcase, 978 00:37:44,229 --> 00:37:45,797 and he left. 979 00:37:45,864 --> 00:37:47,198 He's gone. 980 00:37:47,265 --> 00:37:48,900 Joel left you? 981 00:37:48,967 --> 00:37:50,569 Yes. 982 00:37:50,636 --> 00:37:53,071 Why? What did you do? 983 00:37:53,138 --> 00:37:55,374 Nothing. I didn't do anything. 984 00:37:55,441 --> 00:37:57,809 He's-- He's in love with his secretary. 985 00:37:57,876 --> 00:37:59,811 Did you know this? Did you know he was having an affair? 986 00:37:59,878 --> 00:38:01,513 - Of course I didn't know. - [loud clatter] 987 00:38:01,580 --> 00:38:02,648 - God. - The girl, is she-- 988 00:38:02,714 --> 00:38:04,082 Oh, my God. Is she pregnant? 989 00:38:04,149 --> 00:38:05,317 - [loud clatter] - Shit. 990 00:38:05,384 --> 00:38:06,518 Did you talk like that around him? 991 00:38:06,585 --> 00:38:07,619 Did you use sailor talk? 992 00:38:07,686 --> 00:38:08,854 No, I didn't use sailor talk. 993 00:38:08,920 --> 00:38:10,389 - [loud clatter] - A man doesn't leave 994 00:38:10,456 --> 00:38:11,590 unless the girlfriend is pregnant. 995 00:38:11,657 --> 00:38:12,958 What the hell is he doing in there? 996 00:38:13,024 --> 00:38:14,192 - He's mad. - At me? 997 00:38:14,259 --> 00:38:15,327 - Shh. They'll hear. - Who'll hear? 998 00:38:15,394 --> 00:38:17,262 - Them. Them. - Who is them? 999 00:38:17,329 --> 00:38:18,630 - [sobbing] - Oh, God, Mama. 1000 00:38:18,697 --> 00:38:20,399 - **[piano] - Papa. 1001 00:38:21,733 --> 00:38:22,868 Papa. 1002 00:38:22,934 --> 00:38:25,170 Why are you mad? I didn't do anything wrong. 1003 00:38:25,236 --> 00:38:26,672 When I agreed to send you 1004 00:38:26,738 --> 00:38:28,407 to that fancy goyische college, 1005 00:38:28,474 --> 00:38:30,409 what was the one thing I told you? 1006 00:38:30,476 --> 00:38:31,643 They'll have terrible deli? 1007 00:38:31,710 --> 00:38:33,078 The important thing I told you. 1008 00:38:33,144 --> 00:38:34,245 That was about deli, too. 1009 00:38:34,312 --> 00:38:36,515 The other important thing I told you! 1010 00:38:36,582 --> 00:38:38,517 Don't pick a weak man. 1011 00:38:38,584 --> 00:38:39,818 Ah. 1012 00:38:39,885 --> 00:38:40,819 [Rose sobbing] 1013 00:38:40,886 --> 00:38:42,153 This isn't my fault! 1014 00:38:42,220 --> 00:38:43,489 Of course it's your fault. 1015 00:38:43,555 --> 00:38:45,290 Rose: Oh, shit! 1016 00:38:45,357 --> 00:38:46,825 Mama, please stop crying. 1017 00:38:46,892 --> 00:38:49,361 Everything we bring on ourselves is our own fault. 1018 00:38:49,428 --> 00:38:51,663 He was a good husband. He was a good provider. 1019 00:38:51,730 --> 00:38:52,964 What are you going to do now? 1020 00:38:53,031 --> 00:38:54,666 What are your children going to do? 1021 00:38:54,733 --> 00:38:56,234 - [sobbing continues] - Mama, for the love of God, 1022 00:38:56,301 --> 00:38:58,069 please stop crying in that bedroom! 1023 00:38:58,136 --> 00:38:59,605 This isn't fair. 1024 00:38:59,671 --> 00:39:01,507 [sobbing] Oh, no! 1025 00:39:01,573 --> 00:39:03,174 Much better. Thanks. 1026 00:39:03,241 --> 00:39:06,812 Life isn't fair. It's hard and cruel. 1027 00:39:06,878 --> 00:39:10,416 You have to pick your friends as if there's a war going on. 1028 00:39:10,482 --> 00:39:13,151 You want a husband who'll take a bullet for you, 1029 00:39:13,218 --> 00:39:14,520 not one who points to the attic 1030 00:39:14,586 --> 00:39:15,721 and says "They're up there." 1031 00:39:15,787 --> 00:39:17,055 How can you say that about Joel? 1032 00:39:17,122 --> 00:39:18,824 - You liked him. - I knew what he was. 1033 00:39:18,890 --> 00:39:20,291 Why didn't you tell me, then? 1034 00:39:20,358 --> 00:39:22,127 - I did tell you! - When did you tell me? 1035 00:39:22,193 --> 00:39:23,495 When you first came home with him. 1036 00:39:23,562 --> 00:39:25,230 That night. I looked at you. 1037 00:39:25,296 --> 00:39:27,899 I asked, "Is this the choice?" 1038 00:39:27,966 --> 00:39:29,234 And you said yes. 1039 00:39:29,300 --> 00:39:30,602 That was telling me? 1040 00:39:30,669 --> 00:39:32,070 I have to spell it out for you? 1041 00:39:32,137 --> 00:39:33,405 Joel's sick. Everything's fine. 1042 00:39:33,472 --> 00:39:35,106 Not a word of this to the rabbi. 1043 00:39:35,173 --> 00:39:36,642 I'm going to take a bath. 1044 00:39:38,209 --> 00:39:39,578 You listen to me, Miriam. 1045 00:39:39,645 --> 00:39:42,548 You are a child. You cannot survive this. 1046 00:39:42,614 --> 00:39:45,350 Now, I am no fan of Joel's, but you need a husband. 1047 00:39:45,417 --> 00:39:46,952 And those children need a father. 1048 00:39:47,018 --> 00:39:48,987 What am I supposed to do, go buy one at Zaybar's? 1049 00:39:49,054 --> 00:39:51,523 You fix your face. Put on his favorite dress. 1050 00:39:51,590 --> 00:39:55,126 Then you go out, find him, and make him come back home. 1051 00:40:18,183 --> 00:40:20,085 [thunder rumbles] 1052 00:40:39,437 --> 00:40:40,939 Mrs. Maisel, you all right? 1053 00:40:41,006 --> 00:40:42,641 - Do you need a cab? - Nope. 1054 00:40:42,708 --> 00:40:44,109 Gonna take the subway. 1055 00:40:44,175 --> 00:40:45,611 It's miserable out here. 1056 00:40:45,677 --> 00:40:47,713 It's miserable in there, too. 1057 00:41:05,564 --> 00:41:10,969 Man: See, the eternal war is here. 1058 00:41:11,036 --> 00:41:15,807 O victory, forget your underwear. 1059 00:41:15,874 --> 00:41:18,276 We're free. 1060 00:41:18,343 --> 00:41:19,711 I'm-- 1061 00:41:19,778 --> 00:41:21,947 I left my Pyrex here. I'd like it back. 1062 00:41:22,013 --> 00:41:24,816 - Your what? - Pyrex. My Pyrex. 1063 00:41:24,883 --> 00:41:26,785 - Nope. - It's a Pyrex. 1064 00:41:26,852 --> 00:41:28,486 - Yeah, you keep saying that. - Pyrex. 1065 00:41:28,554 --> 00:41:30,656 It's a glass baking dish, very durable. 1066 00:41:30,722 --> 00:41:32,390 It can go from hot to cold without cracking. 1067 00:41:32,457 --> 00:41:33,424 We don't serve food here. 1068 00:41:33,491 --> 00:41:34,593 I know. It's not yours. 1069 00:41:34,660 --> 00:41:35,994 It's mine. I brought it here. 1070 00:41:36,061 --> 00:41:37,863 - Why? - I made a brisket f-- 1071 00:41:37,929 --> 00:41:39,364 Is that really important right now? 1072 00:41:39,430 --> 00:41:40,766 My dish is here. I'd like it back. 1073 00:41:40,832 --> 00:41:42,033 Can you make that happen? 1074 00:41:42,100 --> 00:41:43,769 [sigh] This place gets so weird late. 1075 00:41:43,835 --> 00:41:45,571 - [applause] - Emcee: That was deep, 1076 00:41:45,637 --> 00:41:47,606 Christian, I think. Who knows? 1077 00:41:47,673 --> 00:41:50,676 Okay, next up. Uh... 1078 00:41:52,077 --> 00:41:54,946 folks, just sit tight. I'll be right back. 1079 00:41:55,013 --> 00:41:58,283 Bonnie, where's my set list? 1080 00:41:58,349 --> 00:42:00,852 [chatter] 1081 00:42:11,597 --> 00:42:13,665 So this is it, huh? 1082 00:42:13,732 --> 00:42:16,768 This is the dream-- standing up here 1083 00:42:16,835 --> 00:42:20,606 on this filthy, sticky stage all alone. 1084 00:42:20,672 --> 00:42:22,340 Couldn't have that, you didn't want me. 1085 00:42:22,407 --> 00:42:23,975 Was that it, Joel? 1086 00:42:24,042 --> 00:42:25,644 Woman: Who's Joel? 1087 00:42:27,078 --> 00:42:28,013 What? 1088 00:42:28,079 --> 00:42:30,081 Who's Joel? 1089 00:42:30,148 --> 00:42:31,149 My husband. 1090 00:42:31,216 --> 00:42:32,350 Man: we can't hear you. 1091 00:42:32,417 --> 00:42:33,551 Woman: Oh. Shh, shh, shh. 1092 00:42:33,619 --> 00:42:34,720 Sorry. 1093 00:42:34,786 --> 00:42:37,589 Joel is my husband of four years, 1094 00:42:37,656 --> 00:42:39,024 and tonight he left. 1095 00:42:39,090 --> 00:42:39,858 Man: Whoo! 1096 00:42:39,925 --> 00:42:41,359 Thank you. Thank you very much. 1097 00:42:41,426 --> 00:42:43,862 Yep. He left-- Joel. 1098 00:42:43,929 --> 00:42:47,365 Left. He packed up my suitcase and left. 1099 00:42:47,432 --> 00:42:49,434 Oh, I'm going to have to lie to the rabbi 1100 00:42:49,500 --> 00:42:50,936 about why Joel's not there. 1101 00:42:51,002 --> 00:42:52,771 Lying to the rabbi on Yom Kippur. 1102 00:42:52,838 --> 00:42:54,640 I couldn't get a clean slate for one fucking day. 1103 00:42:54,706 --> 00:42:56,507 I don't understand what's going on. 1104 00:42:56,574 --> 00:42:58,844 Me, either, sister, me, either. 1105 00:42:58,910 --> 00:43:03,081 There are so many questions spinning around in my head. 1106 00:43:03,148 --> 00:43:04,683 Why did he leave? 1107 00:43:04,750 --> 00:43:07,085 Why wasn't I enough? 1108 00:43:07,152 --> 00:43:10,088 And why didn't they put the stage over there 1109 00:43:10,155 --> 00:43:12,223 against that wall instead of over here by the bathroom 1110 00:43:12,290 --> 00:43:14,826 so you wouldn't have to listen to every giant bowel movement 1111 00:43:14,893 --> 00:43:16,427 that takes place in there? 1112 00:43:16,494 --> 00:43:17,462 [laughter] 1113 00:43:17,528 --> 00:43:19,464 Oh, yeah. Clear as a bell. 1114 00:43:19,530 --> 00:43:21,032 I'm sorry. I'm a little drunk. 1115 00:43:21,099 --> 00:43:22,868 - It's all gone. - [toilet flushes] 1116 00:43:22,934 --> 00:43:24,936 Everything I've counted on is gone. 1117 00:43:25,003 --> 00:43:27,238 You feeling better now? 1118 00:43:27,305 --> 00:43:28,840 [laughter] 1119 00:43:31,176 --> 00:43:33,611 So my life completely fell apart today. 1120 00:43:33,679 --> 00:43:35,681 Did I mention that my husband left me? 1121 00:43:35,747 --> 00:43:37,048 - Man: Whoo-hoo! - [laughter] 1122 00:43:37,115 --> 00:43:39,150 All right. All right. But did I mention 1123 00:43:39,217 --> 00:43:41,653 that he left me for his secretary? 1124 00:43:41,720 --> 00:43:43,188 - [wolf whistles] - Mm-hmm. 1125 00:43:43,254 --> 00:43:45,590 She's 21 and dumb as a Brillo pad. 1126 00:43:45,657 --> 00:43:49,294 And I'm not naive. I know that men like stupid girls. 1127 00:43:49,360 --> 00:43:50,528 - Right? - Uh... 1128 00:43:50,595 --> 00:43:51,797 But I thought Joel wanted more than stupid. 1129 00:43:51,863 --> 00:43:53,331 I thought he wanted spontaneity 1130 00:43:53,398 --> 00:43:54,632 and wit. 1131 00:43:54,700 --> 00:43:56,034 I thought he wanted to be challenged. 1132 00:43:56,101 --> 00:43:57,268 - You know what I mean? - Uh... 1133 00:43:57,335 --> 00:43:59,137 You two are going to be together forever. 1134 00:43:59,204 --> 00:44:01,272 - [laughter] - I'll tell you this much. 1135 00:44:01,339 --> 00:44:02,640 I was a great wife. 1136 00:44:02,708 --> 00:44:04,976 I was fun. I planned theme nights. 1137 00:44:05,043 --> 00:44:08,146 I dressed in costumes. I gave him kids-- 1138 00:44:08,213 --> 00:44:09,681 a boy and a girl. 1139 00:44:09,748 --> 00:44:11,149 And yes, our little girl is looking 1140 00:44:11,216 --> 00:44:12,818 more and more like Winston Churchill 1141 00:44:12,884 --> 00:44:14,920 every day, you know, with that big Yalta head. 1142 00:44:14,986 --> 00:44:16,822 But that's not a reason to leave, right? 1143 00:44:16,888 --> 00:44:20,391 Really? Really? After what I just said about the bathroom? 1144 00:44:20,458 --> 00:44:22,694 - [laughter] - Walk of shame. 1145 00:44:22,761 --> 00:44:26,431 Walk of shame! 1146 00:44:26,497 --> 00:44:28,033 I loved him. 1147 00:44:29,167 --> 00:44:32,437 And I showed him I loved him. 1148 00:44:32,503 --> 00:44:33,471 - Whoo! - [whistles] 1149 00:44:33,538 --> 00:44:34,906 All that shit they say 1150 00:44:34,973 --> 00:44:36,942 about Jewish girls in the bedroom? 1151 00:44:37,008 --> 00:44:39,711 Not true. There are French whores 1152 00:44:39,778 --> 00:44:41,246 standing around the Marais District 1153 00:44:41,312 --> 00:44:43,681 saying [French accent] "Did you hear what Midge did 1154 00:44:43,749 --> 00:44:45,751 to Joel's balls the other night?" 1155 00:44:45,817 --> 00:44:47,185 [laughter] 1156 00:44:48,920 --> 00:44:50,621 I can't believe this is happening. 1157 00:44:50,688 --> 00:44:54,592 I can't believe I'm losing him to Penny Pan. 1158 00:44:54,659 --> 00:44:56,828 That's her name. Terrible, right? 1159 00:44:56,895 --> 00:44:59,798 Penny Pan. Penny Pan. 1160 00:44:59,865 --> 00:45:02,133 Penny Pan. 1161 00:45:02,200 --> 00:45:04,202 And I'm officially losing my mind, 1162 00:45:04,269 --> 00:45:05,403 which is perfect. 1163 00:45:05,470 --> 00:45:07,272 Now I will be alone and crazy, 1164 00:45:07,338 --> 00:45:11,242 the famous mad divorcée of the upper West Side. 1165 00:45:12,643 --> 00:45:14,645 Upper West Side? Really? Where? 1166 00:45:14,712 --> 00:45:15,646 72nd and Amsterdam. 1167 00:45:15,713 --> 00:45:16,915 That place on the corner 1168 00:45:16,982 --> 00:45:18,216 - with the courtyard? - That's the one. 1169 00:45:18,283 --> 00:45:19,751 Oh, that's nice. We looked there. 1170 00:45:19,818 --> 00:45:21,052 But the closets were so small, 1171 00:45:21,119 --> 00:45:23,021 and I wanted a powder room. 1172 00:45:23,088 --> 00:45:24,622 Do you know I've seen her twice 1173 00:45:24,689 --> 00:45:26,157 with her shirt on inside out? 1174 00:45:26,224 --> 00:45:27,492 Penny. Twice. 1175 00:45:27,558 --> 00:45:29,995 Once, fine. You were rushed in the morning. 1176 00:45:30,061 --> 00:45:31,863 Trusted, you can only be trusted 1177 00:45:31,930 --> 00:45:33,899 to butter people's corn at the county fair. 1178 00:45:33,965 --> 00:45:36,001 - [laughter] - And here's the worst thing. 1179 00:45:36,067 --> 00:45:40,738 And I know this is shallow and petty and small, 1180 00:45:40,806 --> 00:45:42,774 but she's not even that pretty. 1181 00:45:42,841 --> 00:45:43,942 Man: Huh. 1182 00:45:44,009 --> 00:45:45,643 Her ankles and her calves 1183 00:45:45,710 --> 00:45:47,478 are the same width. 1184 00:45:47,545 --> 00:45:49,247 And I'm sorry, but look at me. 1185 00:45:49,314 --> 00:45:52,884 I am the same size now that I was at my wedding. 1186 00:45:52,951 --> 00:45:54,619 And come on, who wouldn't want to come home 1187 00:45:54,685 --> 00:45:56,287 to this every night? 1188 00:45:56,354 --> 00:45:57,923 Okay. All right. 1189 00:45:57,989 --> 00:45:59,557 Maybe today's not the best day to judge. 1190 00:45:59,624 --> 00:46:01,827 I've been crying, and my face is all puffy, 1191 00:46:01,893 --> 00:46:03,795 and just-- just-- 1192 00:46:03,862 --> 00:46:06,031 Ignore my head. Now, from here down, 1193 00:46:06,097 --> 00:46:09,067 who wouldn't want to come home to this? 1194 00:46:09,134 --> 00:46:10,701 Actually, I'm a little bloated right now. 1195 00:46:10,768 --> 00:46:13,471 I drank a lot of wine, and my stomach is sort of-- 1196 00:46:13,538 --> 00:46:14,873 Oh, can-- can I borrow that? 1197 00:46:14,940 --> 00:46:16,808 Thank you. 1198 00:46:16,875 --> 00:46:19,344 Okay. Ignore this, ignore this. 1199 00:46:19,410 --> 00:46:23,281 But imagine coming home to these every night. 1200 00:46:23,348 --> 00:46:24,482 Whoo! 1201 00:46:24,549 --> 00:46:25,783 Yeah. 1202 00:46:25,851 --> 00:46:28,053 Yeah, they're pretty good, right? 1203 00:46:28,119 --> 00:46:31,389 Plus they're standing up on their own. 1204 00:46:31,456 --> 00:46:32,390 [gasping] 1205 00:46:34,893 --> 00:46:35,927 - Shit. - Seriously, 1206 00:46:35,994 --> 00:46:38,129 there's no fucking way 1207 00:46:38,196 --> 00:46:42,433 that Penny Pan can compete with these tits! 1208 00:46:42,500 --> 00:46:44,836 So what if you're never going to be a stand-up comedian. 1209 00:46:44,903 --> 00:46:46,237 Look at what greets you at the door. 1210 00:46:46,304 --> 00:46:48,039 - Shit. - Get down from there right now. 1211 00:46:48,106 --> 00:46:50,375 You think Bob Newhart's got a set of these at home? 1212 00:46:50,441 --> 00:46:52,177 Rickles, maybe. 1213 00:46:52,243 --> 00:46:53,778 - [audience shouts] - Aah! Hey! 1214 00:46:53,845 --> 00:46:54,913 Let's go. 1215 00:46:54,980 --> 00:46:55,981 [audience cheering] 1216 00:46:56,047 --> 00:46:58,383 - Hey, fuck Penny Pan! - Bravo! 1217 00:46:59,717 --> 00:47:01,119 This is not what you think. 1218 00:47:01,186 --> 00:47:03,454 She's a housewife. She doesn't know the rules. 1219 00:47:03,521 --> 00:47:05,223 Yeah, yeah. We can discuss it at the station. 1220 00:47:05,290 --> 00:47:06,858 - Station? What station? - Come on. 1221 00:47:06,925 --> 00:47:08,359 Come back next week! 1222 00:47:08,426 --> 00:47:09,827 I don't understand what's going on. 1223 00:47:09,895 --> 00:47:10,962 You're under arrest. 1224 00:47:11,029 --> 00:47:13,031 - What? Why? - Public indecency 1225 00:47:13,098 --> 00:47:14,499 and performing without a cabaret license. 1226 00:47:14,565 --> 00:47:16,367 You need a license to do that? Seriously? 1227 00:47:16,434 --> 00:47:18,003 Yeah, yeah. You can bitch all about it 1228 00:47:18,069 --> 00:47:19,570 to your friend in the back seat there. 1229 00:47:19,637 --> 00:47:20,671 - Go ahead. - Get in there. 1230 00:47:20,738 --> 00:47:22,573 Hey! Hey! Hey! 1231 00:47:26,177 --> 00:47:27,545 Hey. 1232 00:47:27,612 --> 00:47:28,880 Hi. 1233 00:47:35,987 --> 00:47:37,488 Here you go. 1234 00:47:37,555 --> 00:47:39,590 Thanks, Judy. 1235 00:47:39,657 --> 00:47:40,959 You bailed me out? 1236 00:47:41,026 --> 00:47:42,793 My good deed for the year. 1237 00:47:42,860 --> 00:47:44,395 You get chick raped? 1238 00:47:44,462 --> 00:47:45,830 I don't think so. 1239 00:47:45,897 --> 00:47:47,665 - Here. - It's still night out. 1240 00:47:47,732 --> 00:47:48,833 Yep. 1241 00:47:48,900 --> 00:47:50,135 I feel different. 1242 00:47:50,201 --> 00:47:51,702 You were in there for 20 minutes. 1243 00:47:51,769 --> 00:47:53,171 20 minutes can change you. 1244 00:47:53,238 --> 00:47:54,739 - Not really. - I'm a con now. 1245 00:47:54,805 --> 00:47:56,674 - Not quite. - I've got a rap sheet. 1246 00:47:56,741 --> 00:47:58,409 - No, you don't. - I'm hard. 1247 00:47:58,476 --> 00:48:01,712 I'm a hard, used woman. Is my hair gray? 1248 00:48:01,779 --> 00:48:03,281 - No, it's not. - It feels gray. 1249 00:48:03,348 --> 00:48:04,382 Jesus Christ. 1250 00:48:04,449 --> 00:48:05,350 I had it all. 1251 00:48:05,416 --> 00:48:07,152 I had everything I'd always wanted, 1252 00:48:07,218 --> 00:48:09,921 and now it's all falling apart. 1253 00:48:09,988 --> 00:48:12,057 Okay. Come on. 1254 00:48:13,524 --> 00:48:17,162 Connie Francis: * Who's sorry now? * 1255 00:48:17,228 --> 00:48:18,696 Mikey. 1256 00:48:18,763 --> 00:48:22,067 - * Whose heart... * - Look at all the people. 1257 00:48:22,133 --> 00:48:24,335 They look so happy. Are they high? 1258 00:48:24,402 --> 00:48:25,503 Yes, they are. 1259 00:48:25,570 --> 00:48:26,837 Must be nice. 1260 00:48:26,904 --> 00:48:28,273 Oh, God, I'm so tired. 1261 00:48:28,339 --> 00:48:30,041 I don't think I've ever been so tired. 1262 00:48:30,108 --> 00:48:31,509 Have some nuts. 1263 00:48:31,576 --> 00:48:33,711 Do you notice I'm not wearing my own shoes? 1264 00:48:33,778 --> 00:48:36,614 I'm not. Don't know what happened, either. 1265 00:48:36,681 --> 00:48:40,018 Now I'm just a single, gray-haired ex-con 1266 00:48:40,085 --> 00:48:41,552 drinking hooch and eating old nuts 1267 00:48:41,619 --> 00:48:42,988 in someone else's shoes. 1268 00:48:43,054 --> 00:48:44,589 Listen, if you're still upset about your husband, 1269 00:48:44,655 --> 00:48:46,591 don't be. The guy was a fraud and a loser. 1270 00:48:46,657 --> 00:48:49,527 - You don't know him. - I know he was doing Bob Newhart's act. 1271 00:48:49,594 --> 00:48:51,396 Everybody steals, right? 1272 00:48:51,462 --> 00:48:52,697 You didn't. 1273 00:48:52,763 --> 00:48:54,499 I didn't what? 1274 00:48:54,565 --> 00:48:55,967 House party tonight. 1275 00:48:56,034 --> 00:48:57,168 Steal. You didn't steal. 1276 00:48:57,235 --> 00:48:58,436 Your shit was totally original. 1277 00:48:58,503 --> 00:49:00,238 Don't get me wrong. It was rough, 1278 00:49:00,305 --> 00:49:02,373 but I'm telling you, there is definitely something there. 1279 00:49:02,440 --> 00:49:04,075 I'm thinking maybe we can meet somewhere, 1280 00:49:04,142 --> 00:49:05,543 bigger club, if I could just get Baz to die. 1281 00:49:05,610 --> 00:49:08,013 - What are you talking about? - About your act. 1282 00:49:08,079 --> 00:49:09,147 I don't have an act. 1283 00:49:09,214 --> 00:49:11,182 You will when we're done. 1284 00:49:11,249 --> 00:49:12,617 I don't understand. 1285 00:49:12,683 --> 00:49:16,454 You should do standup, and I can help you. 1286 00:49:16,521 --> 00:49:18,823 - Oh, come on. - I'm serious. 1287 00:49:18,889 --> 00:49:21,026 - I am a mother. - Great. We'll use that. 1288 00:49:21,092 --> 00:49:22,293 One of your kids do something weird? 1289 00:49:22,360 --> 00:49:24,062 Tonight was an isolated incident. 1290 00:49:24,129 --> 00:49:25,530 There are medications I can take 1291 00:49:25,596 --> 00:49:27,465 to make sure that never happens again. 1292 00:49:28,599 --> 00:49:29,734 Look, 15 years 1293 00:49:29,800 --> 00:49:31,269 I've been working in clubs, okay? 1294 00:49:31,336 --> 00:49:33,238 15 years watching every kind of loser 1295 00:49:33,304 --> 00:49:34,572 get up there thinking he's Jack Benny. 1296 00:49:34,639 --> 00:49:37,175 Twice have I seen someone deliver the goods. 1297 00:49:37,242 --> 00:49:38,643 First time, guy walks in-- 1298 00:49:38,709 --> 00:49:42,113 West Coast, suntanned, arrogant pain in the ass. 1299 00:49:42,180 --> 00:49:44,215 Three words into his act, I fucking knew it. 1300 00:49:44,282 --> 00:49:46,751 I turned to Baz, and I said, "That guy's gonna be famous." 1301 00:49:46,817 --> 00:49:48,286 - Who was he? - Mort Sahl. 1302 00:49:48,353 --> 00:49:50,955 Oh, he's good. We saw him at Grossinger's last year. 1303 00:49:51,022 --> 00:49:53,291 Yeah, well, the second time was tonight. 1304 00:49:53,358 --> 00:49:54,992 Stop it. 1305 00:49:55,060 --> 00:49:57,362 I know I'm right about this, 1306 00:49:57,428 --> 00:49:59,597 just like I know that unless I somehow get rich enough 1307 00:49:59,664 --> 00:50:02,033 to hire some German broad to walk me around the park 1308 00:50:02,100 --> 00:50:03,268 twice a day in my old age, 1309 00:50:03,334 --> 00:50:04,902 I'm gonna spend my entire life alone. 1310 00:50:04,969 --> 00:50:06,171 That's not true. 1311 00:50:06,237 --> 00:50:09,474 It's fine. I don't mind being alone. 1312 00:50:09,540 --> 00:50:12,943 I just do not want to be insignificant. 1313 00:50:13,010 --> 00:50:14,179 Do you? 1314 00:50:15,613 --> 00:50:17,482 Don't you want to do something no one else can do? 1315 00:50:17,548 --> 00:50:19,717 Be remembered as something other than a mother 1316 00:50:19,784 --> 00:50:22,253 or a housewife or member of the Communist Party? 1317 00:50:22,320 --> 00:50:24,489 When did I become a member of the Communist Party? 1318 00:50:24,555 --> 00:50:25,923 The minute you took that flyer. 1319 00:50:25,990 --> 00:50:28,626 What? Shit. 1320 00:50:28,693 --> 00:50:29,994 Oh, no. 1321 00:50:30,061 --> 00:50:31,696 No, no, no, no, no. 1322 00:50:31,762 --> 00:50:34,199 It's Yom Kippur. I'm supposed to be fasting, 1323 00:50:34,265 --> 00:50:36,067 atoning for my sins in the eyes of God. 1324 00:50:36,134 --> 00:50:37,668 - So? - So I'm eating peanuts. 1325 00:50:37,735 --> 00:50:39,537 You showed your tits to half of Greenwich Village. 1326 00:50:39,604 --> 00:50:41,272 You think the fucking nuts are what's going to piss Him off? 1327 00:50:41,339 --> 00:50:42,807 - I have to go. - Hey, come on. 1328 00:50:42,873 --> 00:50:46,111 Thank you for my coat. I paid full price at Saks. 1329 00:50:46,177 --> 00:50:48,846 Hey. Come back! 1330 00:50:48,913 --> 00:50:50,181 Miriam! 1331 00:50:55,920 --> 00:50:57,622 385 Riverside Drive. 1332 00:50:57,688 --> 00:51:00,558 Wait. Do I have money? 1333 00:51:01,692 --> 00:51:03,428 I do not have money. 1334 00:51:07,798 --> 00:51:09,567 I ain't got all day, lady. 1335 00:51:12,069 --> 00:51:15,340 ** [military drum beat] 1336 00:51:15,406 --> 00:51:18,743 "One standing ovation, everyone goes home pregnant." 1337 00:51:21,011 --> 00:51:23,448 Peggy Lee: * I got me ten fine toes * 1338 00:51:23,514 --> 00:51:25,716 * To wiggle in the sand * 1339 00:51:25,783 --> 00:51:29,120 * Lots of idle fingers snap to my command * 1340 00:51:29,187 --> 00:51:33,758 * A lovely pair of heels that kick to beat the band * 1341 00:51:33,824 --> 00:51:37,895 * Contemplatin' nature can be fascinatin' * 1342 00:51:37,962 --> 00:51:39,197 * Add to these... * 1343 00:51:39,264 --> 00:51:40,265 Hey, don't you see? 1344 00:51:40,331 --> 00:51:41,632 That's part of the image. 1345 00:51:41,699 --> 00:51:43,334 Yeah, with the shawl and the stove pipe hat 1346 00:51:43,401 --> 00:51:45,503 and the-- the string top? 1347 00:51:45,570 --> 00:51:47,538 * To tell the whole darn world * 1348 00:51:47,605 --> 00:51:49,440 * If you don't happen to like it * 1349 00:51:49,507 --> 00:51:51,476 * Deal me out, thank you kindly * 1350 00:51:51,542 --> 00:51:53,378 * Pass me by * 1351 00:51:53,444 --> 00:51:57,448 * Pass me by, pass me by * 1352 00:51:57,515 --> 00:52:00,951 * If you don't happen to like it, pass me by * 1353 00:52:01,018 --> 00:52:02,753 [chatter] 1354 00:52:13,798 --> 00:52:15,633 [no audible dialogue] 1355 00:52:17,268 --> 00:52:19,437 * I'll tell the whole darn world * 1356 00:52:19,504 --> 00:52:21,472 * If you don't happen to like it * 1357 00:52:21,539 --> 00:52:23,341 * Deal me out, thank you kindly * 1358 00:52:23,408 --> 00:52:25,376 * Pass me by * 1359 00:52:25,443 --> 00:52:29,547 * Pass me by, pass me by * 1360 00:52:29,614 --> 00:52:33,150 * If you don't happen to like it, pass me by * 1361 00:52:35,853 --> 00:52:37,222 [knock on door] 1362 00:52:41,392 --> 00:52:42,493 I went by the Gaslight, 1363 00:52:42,560 --> 00:52:43,894 and they told me to come here. 1364 00:52:43,961 --> 00:52:44,929 Is this your apartment? 1365 00:52:44,995 --> 00:52:46,130 Yeah. 1366 00:52:46,197 --> 00:52:48,299 Uh, I'll be by tomorrow at 10. 1367 00:52:49,734 --> 00:52:51,836 You don't have a very long lease, do you? 1368 00:52:51,902 --> 00:52:53,538 Because you should move. 1369 00:52:53,604 --> 00:52:56,574 Hey, did you say 10? In the morning? 1370 00:52:56,641 --> 00:52:59,644 - Hey! - * I got me ten fine toes * 1371 00:52:59,710 --> 00:53:01,679 * To wiggle in the sand * 1372 00:53:01,746 --> 00:53:05,149 * Lots of idle fingers snap to my command * 1373 00:53:05,216 --> 00:53:10,020 * A lovely pair of heels that kick to beat the band * 1374 00:53:10,087 --> 00:53:14,124 * Contemplatin' nature can be fascinatin' * 1375 00:53:14,191 --> 00:53:17,362 * Add to these a nose that I can thumb * 1376 00:53:17,428 --> 00:53:19,697 You guys ever gonna tale a broom to this place? 1377 00:53:19,764 --> 00:53:21,699 We've already got penicillin. You don't need to grow it. 1378 00:53:21,766 --> 00:53:23,701 Just take your things and leave, Bruce. 1379 00:53:23,768 --> 00:53:25,370 I had three joints in my wallet. 1380 00:53:25,436 --> 00:53:27,472 I expect to find them all there. 1381 00:53:27,538 --> 00:53:28,639 Huh. 1382 00:53:28,706 --> 00:53:30,308 If you guys have some coke back there, 1383 00:53:30,375 --> 00:53:31,942 we could have a hell of a party. 1384 00:53:34,579 --> 00:53:35,913 You're not my wife. 1385 00:53:35,980 --> 00:53:37,715 No. 1386 00:53:37,782 --> 00:53:40,117 I thought my wife bailed me out. 1387 00:53:40,184 --> 00:53:41,752 No. I did. 1388 00:53:41,819 --> 00:53:42,820 Uh-huh. 1389 00:53:42,887 --> 00:53:43,821 Oh. 1390 00:53:44,889 --> 00:53:46,023 Thanks. 1391 00:53:46,090 --> 00:53:47,525 Can I ask you a question? 1392 00:53:47,592 --> 00:53:49,427 Uh, sure. 1393 00:53:50,528 --> 00:53:52,129 Do you love it? 1394 00:53:52,196 --> 00:53:53,498 Do I love what? 1395 00:53:53,564 --> 00:53:56,934 Comedy. Standup. Do you love it? 1396 00:53:57,001 --> 00:53:58,536 Seriously? 1397 00:54:01,138 --> 00:54:03,274 Well, I've been doing it a while. 1398 00:54:04,642 --> 00:54:06,511 Okay, let's put it like this. 1399 00:54:06,577 --> 00:54:08,379 If there was anything else in the entire world 1400 00:54:08,446 --> 00:54:10,247 that I could possibly do to earn a living, 1401 00:54:10,315 --> 00:54:11,449 I would. Anything. 1402 00:54:11,516 --> 00:54:13,183 I'm talking dry cleaners to the Klan, 1403 00:54:13,250 --> 00:54:16,186 crippled kid portrait painter, slaughterhouse attendant. 1404 00:54:16,253 --> 00:54:17,555 If someone said to me, 1405 00:54:17,622 --> 00:54:19,256 "Leonard, you can either eat a guy's head 1406 00:54:19,324 --> 00:54:20,625 or do two weeks at the Copa," 1407 00:54:20,691 --> 00:54:23,361 I'd say "Pass the fucking salt." 1408 00:54:23,428 --> 00:54:25,363 It's a terrible, terrible job. 1409 00:54:25,430 --> 00:54:26,931 It should not exist, 1410 00:54:26,997 --> 00:54:29,767 like cancer and God. 1411 00:54:29,834 --> 00:54:33,471 Sorry. I went to the Varick station instead. 1412 00:54:33,538 --> 00:54:34,605 Why the hell would you do that? 1413 00:54:34,672 --> 00:54:36,206 Because you like Varick better. 1414 00:54:36,273 --> 00:54:37,808 Jesus, Honey, you don't get to pick. 1415 00:54:37,875 --> 00:54:38,943 But do you love it? 1416 00:54:48,085 --> 00:54:50,621 Yeah. He loves it. 1417 00:54:57,294 --> 00:54:59,330 ** 1418 00:55:07,738 --> 00:55:09,273 Elvis Costello: * There are some things * 1419 00:55:09,340 --> 00:55:10,741 * You can't cover up * 1420 00:55:10,808 --> 00:55:15,112 * In lipstick and powder * 1421 00:55:15,179 --> 00:55:18,148 * Thought I heard you mention my name * 1422 00:55:18,215 --> 00:55:22,286 * Can't you talk any louder? * 1423 00:55:22,353 --> 00:55:26,323 * Don't come any closer, don't come any nearer * 1424 00:55:26,391 --> 00:55:27,958 * My vision of you * 1425 00:55:28,025 --> 00:55:30,127 * Can't come any clearer * 1426 00:55:30,194 --> 00:55:33,030 * Oh, I * 1427 00:55:33,097 --> 00:55:34,399 * Girls talk * 1428 00:55:34,465 --> 00:55:37,134 * I just want to hear * 1429 00:55:37,201 --> 00:55:38,569 * Girls talk * 1430 00:55:38,636 --> 00:55:40,871 * And they say it's not allowed * 1431 00:55:40,938 --> 00:55:41,972 * Girls talk * 1432 00:55:42,039 --> 00:55:43,808 * If they say that it's so * 1433 00:55:43,874 --> 00:55:49,146 * Don't they think that I know by now? * 1434 00:55:49,213 --> 00:55:52,417 * Got the word up on everyone's lipstick * 1435 00:55:52,483 --> 00:55:56,587 * That you're getting faded * 1436 00:55:56,654 --> 00:55:59,757 * You may not be an old-fashioned girl * 1437 00:55:59,824 --> 00:56:03,528 * But you're gonna get dated * 1438 00:56:03,594 --> 00:56:05,830 * Was it really murder? * 1439 00:56:05,896 --> 00:56:07,665 * Were you just pretending? * 1440 00:56:07,732 --> 00:56:09,500 * Lately I have heard * 1441 00:56:09,567 --> 00:56:13,504 * You are the living end * 1442 00:56:14,772 --> 00:56:16,306 * Girls talk * 1443 00:56:16,373 --> 00:56:18,208 * And they want to know how * 1444 00:56:18,275 --> 00:56:19,944 * Girls talk * 1445 00:56:20,010 --> 00:56:22,046 * And they say it's not allowed * 1446 00:56:22,112 --> 00:56:23,481 * Girls talk * 1447 00:56:23,548 --> 00:56:25,683 * And they say it's not allowed * 1448 00:56:25,750 --> 00:56:27,552 * Girls talk * 1449 00:56:27,618 --> 00:56:29,654 * And they think they know how * 1450 00:56:29,720 --> 00:56:31,321 * Girls talk * 1451 00:56:31,388 --> 00:56:33,223 * Girls talk * 1452 00:56:33,290 --> 00:56:35,125 * Girls talk * 1453 00:56:35,192 --> 00:56:36,961 * Girls talk * 1454 00:56:37,027 --> 00:56:38,696 * Girls talk * 1455 00:56:38,763 --> 00:56:40,431 * Girls talk * 1456 00:56:40,498 --> 00:56:42,700 * Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah * 1457 00:56:42,767 --> 00:56:44,301 * Girls talk * 1458 00:56:44,368 --> 00:56:45,870 * Yeah, yeah, yeah *