1 00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:10,422 Three hours 2 00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:12,216 - for a person to do her hair. - So what? 3 00:02:12,258 --> 00:02:13,634 We have got to work on this lateness thing. 4 00:02:13,676 --> 00:02:15,302 I was not that late. 5 00:02:15,344 --> 00:02:16,595 We were supposed to be here at 12:00. 6 00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:18,597 - It's 12:30. - Now you're getting it. 7 00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:20,641 - I'm not on first. - That's not the point. 8 00:02:20,683 --> 00:02:22,560 If they call my name and I'm there, 9 00:02:22,601 --> 00:02:24,812 - then I am not late. - Yeah, that's not how lateness works. 10 00:02:24,854 --> 00:02:27,231 - There's a clock involved. - Po-tay-to, po-tah-to. 11 00:02:27,273 --> 00:02:28,816 Hey, don't go all Gershwin on me. 12 00:02:28,858 --> 00:02:30,317 This is the big leagues, kid. 13 00:02:30,359 --> 00:02:31,735 Got to start acting like professionals. 14 00:02:31,735 --> 00:02:33,863 - So then where's your blazer? - What? 15 00:02:33,904 --> 00:02:35,698 Your fancy new blazer. 16 00:02:35,739 --> 00:02:37,449 You're scared to wear it. 17 00:02:37,491 --> 00:02:39,076 How could I be scared of a fucking blazer? 18 00:02:39,118 --> 00:02:40,744 Are you? 19 00:02:40,786 --> 00:02:43,873 - It's dry clean only. - This is the big leagues, kid. 20 00:02:43,914 --> 00:02:45,833 - 12:30 is fucking late. - Still tapping. 21 00:02:45,875 --> 00:02:47,710 Present and accounted for, 22 00:02:47,751 --> 00:02:49,712 - except Mrs. Maisel. - What's a Mrs. Maisel? 23 00:02:49,753 --> 00:02:51,422 A singer, I assume, sir. 24 00:02:51,463 --> 00:02:53,132 - Who are you? - SUSIE and MIDGE: Mrs. Maisel. 25 00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:54,758 - I just told him. - He was asking me. 26 00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:56,385 You're late. This is the Army, you're not supposed 27 00:02:56,427 --> 00:02:58,387 - to be late in the Army. - I'll remember not to enlist. 28 00:02:58,429 --> 00:02:59,763 - Hey, we are not late. - What? -What? 29 00:02:59,805 --> 00:03:02,266 We were told to be here at 12:30 and we're here at 12:30 30 00:03:02,308 --> 00:03:03,642 on the dot, Miriam Maisel is never late. 31 00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:06,103 - Aw, you lied for me. - Fuck you. 32 00:03:06,145 --> 00:03:07,730 - There she is. - Sergeant Mitchell Burns. 33 00:03:07,771 --> 00:03:10,107 Master of Ceremonies is Major Buck Brillstein. 34 00:03:10,149 --> 00:03:12,026 For the purposes of this show, you will call him Buck. 35 00:03:12,067 --> 00:03:13,694 - Very reasonable. - He'll say your name. 36 00:03:13,736 --> 00:03:15,529 Wave, smile and exit the other side of the stage. 37 00:03:15,571 --> 00:03:17,489 Can I smile, wave instead of wave, smile? 38 00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:18,908 - You cannot. - So serious, Mitchell. 39 00:03:18,949 --> 00:03:20,409 Where'd your little boy go? 40 00:03:20,451 --> 00:03:22,286 - You mean Tom? - I... No. 41 00:03:22,328 --> 00:03:24,121 - No, who's Tom? - My little boy. 42 00:03:24,163 --> 00:03:25,956 Abort, abort, abort. 43 00:03:25,998 --> 00:03:27,958 Right, so I exit the stage. 44 00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:29,460 Wait, I do? This isn't my set? 45 00:03:29,501 --> 00:03:31,253 No. Just your intro. When you do go on, 46 00:03:31,295 --> 00:03:32,796 you do 20 minutes, applause, bow, 47 00:03:32,838 --> 00:03:34,798 you introduce Shy Baldwin, you leave the stage, 48 00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:36,467 but stay close. At the end of the show, 49 00:03:36,508 --> 00:03:38,010 everyone comes on for a chorus of "White Christmas" 50 00:03:38,052 --> 00:03:39,845 and pictures with the troops. Yes? 51 00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:41,722 W-What if I don't know "White Christmas?" 52 00:03:41,764 --> 00:03:42,973 Who doesn't know "White Christmas?" 53 00:03:43,015 --> 00:03:45,351 Well, me. I'm Jewish. 54 00:03:45,392 --> 00:03:46,977 I mean, we don't... 55 00:03:47,019 --> 00:03:49,563 We celeb... Oh, "White Christmas." Yes. 56 00:03:49,605 --> 00:03:51,607 - Yes, I know "White Christmas." - Take her. 57 00:03:51,649 --> 00:03:53,859 Hum a few bars? 58 00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:55,486 Quite the grip you've got there. 59 00:03:55,527 --> 00:03:57,696 I'm not gonna make a run for it, I am here voluntarily. 60 00:03:57,738 --> 00:03:59,239 - Take her. - Bye. 61 00:03:59,281 --> 00:04:01,784 Oh, I see this grip comes standard issue. 62 00:04:01,825 --> 00:04:05,704 Miss America 1959, Mary Ann Mobley. 63 00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:07,206 You don't happen to know the words 64 00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:08,624 to "White Christmas," do you? 65 00:04:08,666 --> 00:04:10,751 Everyone's favorite housewife, 66 00:04:10,793 --> 00:04:12,086 Mrs. Maisel. 67 00:04:12,127 --> 00:04:14,922 - Go. - Hiya, boys! 68 00:04:16,924 --> 00:04:18,842 World hula hoop champion... 69 00:04:18,884 --> 00:04:20,427 - Come. - Oh, my... 70 00:04:20,469 --> 00:04:21,929 My third soldier today. 71 00:04:21,971 --> 00:04:24,807 This is how rumors get started. 72 00:04:24,848 --> 00:04:27,142 Is this what they mean by "flyboys"? 73 00:04:27,184 --> 00:04:28,686 - Hey. - Oy. 74 00:04:28,727 --> 00:04:30,521 Sorry. I'm trying to... 75 00:04:30,562 --> 00:04:32,231 What am I, your porter? Here. 76 00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:33,732 I'm trying to find out some info here, 77 00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:35,192 but unless you have boots and a buzz cut, 78 00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:37,069 - nobody will look at you. - Maisel. 79 00:04:37,111 --> 00:04:39,154 - Why didn't you answer? - I was waiting for you to answer. 80 00:04:39,196 --> 00:04:40,823 You go on at 1:30. 81 00:04:40,864 --> 00:04:43,325 - You mean 1330. - 1:30 is fine. 82 00:04:43,367 --> 00:04:44,827 - I'm doing army time. - Good for you. 83 00:04:44,868 --> 00:04:46,620 Be ready at one in case we're ahead of schedule. 84 00:04:46,662 --> 00:04:48,747 Think you mean 1300 hours, right? 85 00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:51,375 - Where can I get ready? - Just tell me I'm right. 86 00:04:51,417 --> 00:04:52,793 Private Fielding, look alive. 87 00:04:52,835 --> 00:04:54,586 Hey, I spent a week learning this shit. 88 00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:56,463 - Take her to the green room. - It's the Army. 89 00:04:56,505 --> 00:04:58,257 Isn't every room a green room? 90 00:04:58,298 --> 00:04:59,967 - You've got to give up. - Never. 91 00:05:03,762 --> 00:05:05,764 Ooh. 92 00:05:24,616 --> 00:05:25,993 How the fuck do I have these again? 93 00:05:26,035 --> 00:05:27,745 I need to change. 94 00:05:27,786 --> 00:05:29,455 Oh, wait, sorry. 95 00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:30,831 - This is ours. - But they told me 96 00:05:30,873 --> 00:05:32,291 to grab any open space. 97 00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:33,792 Oh, no, you have to sign up. Did you sign up? 98 00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:35,836 No one told me to sign up. 99 00:05:35,878 --> 00:05:37,129 Oh, you're so pretty. 100 00:05:37,171 --> 00:05:38,672 Thank you. 101 00:05:38,714 --> 00:05:40,674 And... managed. 102 00:05:40,716 --> 00:05:42,885 - You just standing there? - Sorry. 103 00:05:42,926 --> 00:05:45,012 So, rule number one for this performance? 104 00:05:45,054 --> 00:05:46,305 Don't say "fuck." 105 00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:47,556 Rule number two for this performance? 106 00:05:47,598 --> 00:05:48,974 Do not say "fuck." 107 00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:50,809 - Dress. - And no dick jokes. 108 00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:52,686 Army guys are sensitive about dick jokes. 109 00:05:52,728 --> 00:05:53,937 That's why they're in the Army. 110 00:05:53,979 --> 00:05:55,773 How about big dick jokes? Catch. 111 00:05:55,814 --> 00:05:58,525 What do you mean, big dick jokes? 112 00:05:58,567 --> 00:06:00,819 You know, what do leprechauns and guys with big dicks 113 00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:03,322 have in common? They're hard to find and incredibly lucky. 114 00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:06,784 Or, his dick was so big, the mohel had to bring a machete. 115 00:06:06,825 --> 00:06:09,161 Or, his dick was bigger than Disneyland, 116 00:06:09,203 --> 00:06:10,537 better rides, too. 117 00:06:10,579 --> 00:06:12,164 Or, his dick was so big, 118 00:06:12,206 --> 00:06:14,291 it wasn't a dick at all. It was a Richard. 119 00:06:14,333 --> 00:06:18,253 Oh, oh! His dick was so big, even when he cheated on me, 120 00:06:18,295 --> 00:06:19,880 his dick was the bigger dick. 121 00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:23,217 - So no dick jokes. - Yeah, keep it clean. 122 00:06:23,258 --> 00:06:24,426 You all good? I'm gonna to make a call. 123 00:06:24,468 --> 00:06:26,261 I'm good, go. 124 00:06:44,780 --> 00:06:46,740 Fred, phone. You got to order something. 125 00:06:46,782 --> 00:06:47,991 We got Sanka. 126 00:06:48,033 --> 00:06:49,827 - He got Sanka. - Susie? 127 00:06:49,868 --> 00:06:51,453 - You got 'em? -Yes, we got 'em 128 00:06:51,495 --> 00:06:53,080 but we still don't understand the point here. 129 00:06:53,122 --> 00:06:54,998 The point, Fred, is I got to negotiate 130 00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:56,458 this touring contract for Midge. 131 00:06:56,500 --> 00:06:57,876 And other than saying I'd like for her to go, 132 00:06:57,918 --> 00:06:59,711 I don't know what the hell to ask for. 133 00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:01,296 And I don't want them to think they're dealing with a nobody. 134 00:07:01,338 --> 00:07:02,840 So, just give me some comps. 135 00:07:02,881 --> 00:07:04,675 Tell me what other comics at her level 136 00:07:04,716 --> 00:07:06,426 made when they opened for someone like Shy Baldwin. 137 00:07:06,468 --> 00:07:08,220 Okay, but this is a big favor we're doing for you here. 138 00:07:08,262 --> 00:07:10,389 I had to sneak these contracts out in my bowling bag. 139 00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:12,015 Now I don't have my bowling ball. 140 00:07:12,057 --> 00:07:13,851 Don't worry. Someday, I'm gonna be in a position 141 00:07:13,892 --> 00:07:15,102 to help you with something. 142 00:07:15,144 --> 00:07:16,478 - I will. 143 00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:17,896 You don't think I will? 144 00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:19,731 I don't know. You're so volatile. 145 00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:21,108 Just read me some numbers 146 00:07:21,150 --> 00:07:23,068 before I use your nutsack as a speed bag. 147 00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:25,863 Okay, Georgie Jessel made $10,000 a week 148 00:07:25,904 --> 00:07:27,573 the last time he played the Blue Angel. 149 00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:29,491 Too big. I need opening act numbers. 150 00:07:29,533 --> 00:07:31,535 Phil Silvers made 12 Gs a week. 151 00:07:31,577 --> 00:07:34,371 - As an opening act? - No, for The Phil Silvers Show. 152 00:07:34,413 --> 00:07:36,415 Uh-huh. Hey, do you remember the speed bag thing? 153 00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:38,417 George Burns made $10 a week before he met Gracie Allen. 154 00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:41,295 George Burns made $10 a week in 1921. 155 00:07:41,336 --> 00:07:43,005 - What would that be today? -$10. 156 00:07:43,046 --> 00:07:45,674 - No, I mean in today's dollars. - $10. 157 00:07:45,716 --> 00:07:48,010 Oh, Fred, my sweet, sweet Fred. 158 00:07:48,051 --> 00:07:50,012 Hey, here's something, Murray Bringle made $300 159 00:07:50,053 --> 00:07:51,430 opening for Lenny Fring. 160 00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:54,516 Murray Bringle made $300 to open for Lenny Fring. 161 00:07:54,558 --> 00:07:56,351 - Who's Murray Bringle? -I don't know. 162 00:07:56,393 --> 00:07:57,769 - Who's Lenny Fring? -I don't know. 163 00:07:57,811 --> 00:07:59,438 Tell her if she wants to be 164 00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:01,148 taken seriously, she needs a weird ask. 165 00:08:01,190 --> 00:08:03,358 Yes. You need a weird ask. 166 00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:04,902 What do you mean I need a weird ass? 167 00:08:04,943 --> 00:08:07,404 A weird ask. Something in your contract 168 00:08:07,446 --> 00:08:09,114 that's specifically weird only to you. 169 00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:10,991 Like, uh, all the pillows in your room 170 00:08:11,033 --> 00:08:12,826 have to have a cat design on them. 171 00:08:12,868 --> 00:08:14,453 - I'm not gonna do that. -You have to. 172 00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:16,121 They'll never take you seriously if you don't. 173 00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:18,332 Well, how weird does it have to be? 174 00:08:18,373 --> 00:08:20,626 Gleason needs two bottles of Old Forester Bourbon, 175 00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:22,377 a well-done steak, and a Polaroid 176 00:08:22,419 --> 00:08:24,421 of what the steak looked like before it was cooked. 177 00:08:24,463 --> 00:08:26,340 George Burns has fresh flowers, Cuban cigars, 178 00:08:26,381 --> 00:08:28,425 six pairs of socks, and a bowl of butter pats. 179 00:08:28,467 --> 00:08:29,885 Lenny Fring had to have cheesecloth, 180 00:08:29,927 --> 00:08:31,929 a length of rope, and a copy of Gray's Anatomy. 181 00:08:31,970 --> 00:08:34,514 Wow. Now I really want to know this Lenny Fring. 182 00:08:34,556 --> 00:08:37,142 Hey, would you mind blowing my brains out? 183 00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,679 Quick, I need a pencil. 184 00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:17,391 Oh, uh... What did they say? 185 00:09:17,432 --> 00:09:18,934 Don't talk. I'll forget. 186 00:09:18,976 --> 00:09:20,978 Okay, what did those idiots say? 187 00:09:21,019 --> 00:09:24,356 Uh, Gleason minus George 188 00:09:24,398 --> 00:09:25,983 minus Gracie, 189 00:09:26,024 --> 00:09:29,194 add back a Sahl and divide by Bringle. 190 00:09:29,236 --> 00:09:30,946 - Who's Bringle? - He opened for Fring. 191 00:09:30,988 --> 00:09:32,364 - Who's Fring? - Doesn't matter. 192 00:09:32,406 --> 00:09:34,199 Okay, if my calculations are right, 193 00:09:34,241 --> 00:09:36,493 seems like a guy opening for a Shy Baldwin 194 00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:39,288 would make about $5,500 for six months. 195 00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:42,291 Wow. So we ask for $5,500. 196 00:09:42,332 --> 00:09:45,294 - No. We ask for $4,500. - Bringle got $5,500. 197 00:09:45,335 --> 00:09:46,712 - Well, Bringle's got a... - Dick. 198 00:09:46,753 --> 00:09:49,589 - Yeah. -But that's $4,050 for you, and $450 for me. 199 00:09:49,631 --> 00:09:51,049 - Really? That's a lot. - I know. 200 00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:52,718 It would take me more than a year 201 00:09:52,759 --> 00:09:54,219 to make that much at B. Altman. 202 00:09:54,261 --> 00:09:56,179 I know. 450 bucks, 203 00:09:56,221 --> 00:09:58,098 plus I'll be subletting my apartment to Jackie. 204 00:09:58,140 --> 00:10:00,642 This means I'm gonna be making the most money I made since... 205 00:10:00,684 --> 00:10:02,686 ever. Since ever. 206 00:10:02,728 --> 00:10:04,646 - So we sign. - Yes. 207 00:10:04,688 --> 00:10:06,398 Oh, and we have to come up with something weird. 208 00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:08,066 Like, you need baby goats in your dressing room, 209 00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:10,360 or all your hand towels have to be from Windsor Castle. 210 00:10:10,402 --> 00:10:12,362 Oh, can we get that? I would love that. 211 00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:16,074 - You're still pretty. - Mrs. Maisel. 212 00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:18,827 - Sir, yes, sir. - You're up. 213 00:10:18,869 --> 00:10:21,663 1330 on the dot. 214 00:10:46,229 --> 00:10:48,982 Once again, the Silver Belles! 215 00:10:49,024 --> 00:10:53,070 Now I hope that you're ready to laugh because next up 216 00:10:53,111 --> 00:10:55,489 is a very funny lady. 217 00:10:55,530 --> 00:10:58,158 She's gonna be opening up for Shy Baldwin on his upcoming tour 218 00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:02,704 that kicks off next month, and you get a preview right now. 219 00:11:02,746 --> 00:11:05,916 Emphasis on the view, it is a good one. 220 00:11:08,502 --> 00:11:13,048 So give a nice Army welcome for Mrs. Maisel! 221 00:11:13,090 --> 00:11:16,093 - Tits up. - Tits up. 222 00:11:19,805 --> 00:11:21,431 Hi! 223 00:11:23,517 --> 00:11:26,645 Hi! Hi! 224 00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:29,272 Hello! 225 00:11:29,314 --> 00:11:30,816 Wow, wow, wow! 226 00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:34,194 My goodness, that is a lot of khaki. 227 00:11:34,236 --> 00:11:36,363 And I just realized 228 00:11:36,405 --> 00:11:39,116 it is actually a very flattering color for most skin tones. 229 00:11:39,157 --> 00:11:40,659 I know you're relieved. 230 00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:42,327 I just want you to know 231 00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:44,496 how much I admire you guys. 232 00:11:44,538 --> 00:11:46,790 I could never be brave enough 233 00:11:46,832 --> 00:11:48,792 to wear the same outfit every day. 234 00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:53,171 My brother toyed with joining the Army. 235 00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:55,632 He loved the idea of serving his country, 236 00:11:55,674 --> 00:11:58,009 but then he snapped a rubber band in his eye 237 00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:00,095 and that was the end of that. 238 00:12:00,137 --> 00:12:04,015 You guys have a lot of rules here, which I totally get. 239 00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:05,434 You need rules. 240 00:12:05,475 --> 00:12:08,562 Women learn rules from women's magazines. 241 00:12:08,603 --> 00:12:10,230 I can't make a move without consulting 242 00:12:10,272 --> 00:12:11,898 Family Circle or Harper's Bazaar. 243 00:12:11,940 --> 00:12:16,820 Otherwise, I'd have no idea what shade of red drives a man crazy. 244 00:12:16,862 --> 00:12:18,405 Little hint: it's the one 245 00:12:18,447 --> 00:12:20,449 with the least amount of fabric involved. 246 00:12:33,211 --> 00:12:35,505 You guys don't have magazines like that, do you? 247 00:12:36,965 --> 00:12:39,926 You could really use an Army Men's Monthly 248 00:12:39,968 --> 00:12:43,930 or Gunboat Daily. You know, you could read helpful articles 249 00:12:43,972 --> 00:12:46,766 like, uh, "Fashion for Foxholes," 250 00:12:46,808 --> 00:12:49,394 "Give Your Pistol Some Pizzazz," 251 00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:52,147 "How to Get Your Commanding Officer to Notice You." 252 00:12:52,189 --> 00:12:53,773 Oh, oh, oh, here's one, 253 00:12:53,815 --> 00:12:57,194 "Camouflage: How to Stand Out While Blending In." 254 00:12:58,445 --> 00:13:00,780 And for you generals in the audience, 255 00:13:00,822 --> 00:13:02,699 "How to Take Care of Your Privates." 256 00:13:07,871 --> 00:13:09,623 Oh! Here's the best, 257 00:13:09,664 --> 00:13:11,791 - "Killing Men and Loving It." - Funny little lady. 258 00:13:11,833 --> 00:13:13,543 She is. 259 00:13:13,585 --> 00:13:15,545 You know, a lot of top-notch entertainers come through here. 260 00:13:15,587 --> 00:13:17,506 - Uh-huh. - Bob Hope played here. 261 00:13:17,547 --> 00:13:20,050 Right on that stage. Milton Berle, been here twice. 262 00:13:20,091 --> 00:13:22,552 You know how much you'd have to pay to see Bob Hope 263 00:13:22,594 --> 00:13:24,513 - at the Copacabana? - A lot. 264 00:13:24,554 --> 00:13:26,556 And then some. 265 00:13:26,598 --> 00:13:28,683 Yeah, the army life is a good life. 266 00:13:28,725 --> 00:13:32,229 Job security, three squares a day, excitement, travel. 267 00:13:32,270 --> 00:13:34,231 - You like to travel? - Uh, sure. 268 00:13:34,272 --> 00:13:35,857 It's a great organization. 269 00:13:35,899 --> 00:13:38,068 Waking up every day, proud to be an American. 270 00:13:38,109 --> 00:13:39,694 Proud to serve your country, you know? 271 00:13:39,736 --> 00:13:41,238 Do I? 272 00:13:41,279 --> 00:13:44,074 Well, have you ever thought about joining up? 273 00:13:44,115 --> 00:13:46,159 Me? Oh, uh, no. 274 00:13:46,201 --> 00:13:50,121 - Strong young man like yourself. - I'm not that young. 275 00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:52,541 - Can you play the bugle? - I do not play the bugle. 276 00:13:52,582 --> 00:13:55,043 Oh. We need a bugler. I just thought I'd ask. 277 00:13:55,085 --> 00:13:56,795 - Ah, sorry. - You got the cheeks for it. 278 00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:58,838 - Okay. - Well, doesn't matter. 279 00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:00,799 There's a place for everyone in the Army. 280 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:04,427 Plus, you get benefits up the ass. 281 00:14:04,469 --> 00:14:06,721 Well, I don't need anything up my ass at the moment, 282 00:14:06,763 --> 00:14:09,182 - but thank you. - Think about it. 283 00:14:09,224 --> 00:14:10,850 I will. 284 00:14:10,892 --> 00:14:13,395 It'll never leave my mind again. Trust me. 285 00:14:13,436 --> 00:14:15,438 ...I feel nothing. 286 00:14:17,482 --> 00:14:20,652 You guys have your own language here. 287 00:14:20,694 --> 00:14:22,320 It's so fun. A soldier said 288 00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:24,197 he was gonna go sit on the honey bucket, 289 00:14:24,239 --> 00:14:27,158 and I was like, "I've been called a lot of things, pal..." 290 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:28,952 I almost smacked him. 291 00:14:28,994 --> 00:14:31,955 So I got to keep out of trouble here. 292 00:14:33,832 --> 00:14:36,042 Maybe you fellas could run some jargon by me? 293 00:14:36,084 --> 00:14:37,627 Make sure I understand it. 294 00:14:37,669 --> 00:14:39,045 What are some of your other phrases? 295 00:14:39,087 --> 00:14:40,714 Direct support. 296 00:14:40,755 --> 00:14:42,090 Too easy. That's what I'm wearing 297 00:14:42,132 --> 00:14:43,592 under my dress right now. 298 00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:48,930 Zone of action. 299 00:14:48,972 --> 00:14:52,559 Everything not covered by the direct support I'm wearing. 300 00:14:52,601 --> 00:14:54,102 Rear guard. 301 00:14:54,144 --> 00:14:56,396 - Diaper cream. - Attack position. 302 00:14:56,438 --> 00:14:57,522 Friendly fire. 303 00:14:57,564 --> 00:15:00,317 A cute redhead. 304 00:15:00,358 --> 00:15:02,736 - Frontal fire. - Shock action. 305 00:15:02,777 --> 00:15:05,572 Frontal fire and shock action? 306 00:15:05,614 --> 00:15:07,741 Isn't frontal fire what you contract 307 00:15:07,782 --> 00:15:10,160 when you have shock action with the wrong girl overseas? 308 00:15:14,331 --> 00:15:17,042 - Huh? - Withdrawal. 309 00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:19,085 Congratulations, you're a daddy. 310 00:15:22,631 --> 00:15:24,758 Oh, boy. 311 00:15:25,967 --> 00:15:28,970 Well, you sure know how to make a girl feel welcome. 312 00:15:29,012 --> 00:15:30,722 That's all for me today. 313 00:15:30,764 --> 00:15:33,224 I'm Mrs. Maisel. You boys stay safe out there, 314 00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:34,893 'cause you're just too cute to lose. 315 00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:37,520 Thank you and good night. 316 00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:44,319 Thank you. 317 00:15:44,361 --> 00:15:46,529 Thank you. Thank you. 318 00:15:52,369 --> 00:15:53,745 What? 319 00:15:55,038 --> 00:15:56,498 Oh, shit, sorry. 320 00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:01,586 Hi. Remember me? I'm back. Uh, I completely forgot 321 00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:04,381 to introduce Shy Baldwin. 322 00:16:07,133 --> 00:16:08,927 Thank you. I mean, he thanks you. 323 00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:11,012 Uh, he's so great. A terrific singer 324 00:16:11,054 --> 00:16:13,515 and such a nice guy, and he gave me my break. 325 00:16:13,556 --> 00:16:15,600 So... here he is. 326 00:16:21,731 --> 00:16:23,733 We're gonna work on that. 327 00:16:29,656 --> 00:16:32,242 - So, what have we learned? - What? 328 00:16:32,283 --> 00:16:35,161 Even when you do have a stroke, you do it adorably. 329 00:18:31,236 --> 00:18:33,696 And we bought it from the sweetest old lady. 330 00:18:33,738 --> 00:18:35,615 The house is wonderful, Mrs. Maisel. 331 00:18:35,657 --> 00:18:36,991 It's my dream home. 332 00:18:37,033 --> 00:18:38,868 My absolute dream home. 333 00:18:38,910 --> 00:18:42,121 Moishe promised that one day we'd have a home just like this. 334 00:18:42,163 --> 00:18:43,164 In Queens. 335 00:18:43,206 --> 00:18:44,666 It's got a great tree. 336 00:18:44,707 --> 00:18:47,126 A man is not a man until he's got a tree. 337 00:18:47,168 --> 00:18:49,921 Wait. Moishe. Where's the kitchen? 338 00:18:49,963 --> 00:18:51,506 There's no kitchen on these plans. 339 00:18:51,548 --> 00:18:53,258 What did that bitch do with our kitchen? 340 00:18:53,299 --> 00:18:55,051 You're looking on the second floor, Shirl. 341 00:18:55,093 --> 00:18:56,511 - Look on the first floor. - Oh. 342 00:18:56,553 --> 00:18:58,388 Hey. You still looking for a club, right? 343 00:18:58,429 --> 00:19:00,807 - Looking, not finding. - I heard about a place. 344 00:19:00,849 --> 00:19:03,059 I want no part of your dastardly schemes. 345 00:19:03,101 --> 00:19:06,104 It's my button guy, he's been using this space for storage 346 00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:08,064 for 20 years and he just gave it up. 347 00:19:08,106 --> 00:19:10,316 He's a bigger deal now... got into zippers. 348 00:19:10,358 --> 00:19:11,609 Said it was a club once. 349 00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:13,319 Uh, still has a stage and a bar, 350 00:19:13,361 --> 00:19:14,654 - there's even furniture. - Really? 351 00:19:14,696 --> 00:19:16,990 Great downtown location, surrounded by subways. 352 00:19:17,031 --> 00:19:19,325 And it's not a dump? All I've seen are dumps. 353 00:19:19,367 --> 00:19:20,577 Teardowns. 354 00:19:20,618 --> 00:19:22,203 I'm fixing this place up myself, 355 00:19:22,245 --> 00:19:24,038 got to keep power tools to a minimum. 356 00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:25,331 I'll get you the address. Go see for yourself. 357 00:19:25,373 --> 00:19:28,001 Daddy, another lady left her lipstick. 358 00:19:28,042 --> 00:19:30,128 - Thanks, kiddo. - Go check it out. 359 00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:33,131 - Say it again. - We're gonna live in Queens! 360 00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:36,634 Yes! Yes. Yes. 361 00:20:34,025 --> 00:20:36,027 Really? 362 00:20:38,363 --> 00:20:39,822 Thank you very much. 363 00:20:50,041 --> 00:20:53,962 That's the great Shy Baldwin! 364 00:20:54,003 --> 00:20:57,173 I am so sorry about the introduction, Shy. 365 00:20:57,215 --> 00:20:59,258 I promise I will never do that again. 366 00:20:59,300 --> 00:21:00,885 Susie Myerson of Susie Myerson and Associates. 367 00:21:00,927 --> 00:21:02,261 I promise she will never do that again. 368 00:21:02,303 --> 00:21:03,638 Susie is my manager. 369 00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:05,390 - Oh, nice to meet you. - Yeah, you too. 370 00:21:05,431 --> 00:21:07,725 Hey, question: were you ever fat? 371 00:21:07,767 --> 00:21:10,103 - No. - You sound fat on your albums. 372 00:21:10,144 --> 00:21:11,813 Shy, I don't what happened to the mic stand. 373 00:21:11,854 --> 00:21:13,606 It's the Army. 374 00:21:13,648 --> 00:21:15,942 If you can't kill someone with it, they-they don't care. 375 00:21:15,984 --> 00:21:19,112 - Lou, I want you to meet Midge Maisel and Susie Myerson. -Ah... 376 00:21:19,153 --> 00:21:21,280 - This is my manager, Lou Rabinowitz. - Hello. 377 00:21:21,322 --> 00:21:24,784 Myerson. You're the one I've been talking to six times a day. 378 00:21:24,826 --> 00:21:25,952 - And you're Lou? - Yes. 379 00:21:25,994 --> 00:21:27,662 Hmm. You don't sound bald. 380 00:21:27,704 --> 00:21:30,456 Thank you. So, it's nice to have you with us. 381 00:21:30,498 --> 00:21:32,500 Everything good? You need anything? 382 00:21:32,542 --> 00:21:35,211 Here. Once the tour starts, 383 00:21:35,253 --> 00:21:36,796 you'll have your regular weekly per diem. 384 00:21:36,838 --> 00:21:38,881 But for now, let Uncle Lou. 385 00:21:38,923 --> 00:21:41,342 That's for cab fare, train fare, candy bars, 386 00:21:41,384 --> 00:21:43,553 hair pins, feminine products, whatever you need. 387 00:21:43,594 --> 00:21:44,721 - Well, thank you, Lou. - You're welcome. 388 00:21:44,762 --> 00:21:46,431 I need that contract. 389 00:21:46,472 --> 00:21:49,100 Uh, we will be countering soon. And more than once. 390 00:21:49,142 --> 00:21:50,685 But not too much more, but more. 391 00:21:50,727 --> 00:21:53,271 And we got some really weird asks, so be ready. 392 00:21:55,314 --> 00:21:57,900 We are both total idiots today. 393 00:21:57,942 --> 00:22:00,028 All right, now I think it's time you boys sing for your supper. 394 00:22:00,069 --> 00:22:02,155 - What do you say? - Yeah! 395 00:22:03,197 --> 00:22:04,490 Shall I leave you two alone? 396 00:22:04,532 --> 00:22:06,993 I just love money. You know? 397 00:22:07,035 --> 00:22:10,038 Smells great. Feels great. It looks great. 398 00:22:10,079 --> 00:22:12,665 Just be careful. It can break your heart. 399 00:22:12,707 --> 00:22:14,667 Hey, where's that pay phone? I need to make a call. 400 00:22:14,709 --> 00:22:17,712 ...spreading peace, not war. 401 00:22:17,754 --> 00:22:19,297 I need a volunteer. 402 00:22:27,638 --> 00:22:28,598 Hold on. 403 00:22:28,639 --> 00:22:32,393 Ethan. Not the floor. 404 00:22:32,435 --> 00:22:34,062 - Hello? -Bad time? 405 00:22:34,103 --> 00:22:36,147 No, it's not a bad time. 406 00:22:36,189 --> 00:22:37,857 Ethan, not the furniture! 407 00:22:37,899 --> 00:22:39,025 Do I want to know? 408 00:22:39,067 --> 00:22:41,027 He discovered the Maisel and Roth stamp. 409 00:22:41,069 --> 00:22:42,487 - Oh, boy. -Yes. Well, 410 00:22:42,528 --> 00:22:44,614 maybe he'll be postmaster general someday. 411 00:22:44,655 --> 00:22:45,907 One can hope. 412 00:22:48,242 --> 00:22:49,827 So, how are you? 413 00:22:49,869 --> 00:22:51,454 Uh, a little crazy. 414 00:22:52,830 --> 00:22:54,665 - Where are you? - What? Why? 415 00:22:54,707 --> 00:22:56,667 - Is it a secret? - No, it is not. 416 00:22:56,709 --> 00:22:57,919 I just hear voices. 417 00:22:57,960 --> 00:23:00,296 I'm doing a USO show today. 418 00:23:00,338 --> 00:23:02,507 Here in the city. Warm-up gig before the tour. 419 00:23:02,548 --> 00:23:03,883 - You go on yet? -I did. 420 00:23:03,925 --> 00:23:04,926 You knock 'em dead? 421 00:23:04,967 --> 00:23:06,511 I did. Literally. 422 00:23:06,552 --> 00:23:08,387 Bumped into a missile and blew up the barracks. 423 00:23:10,890 --> 00:23:12,683 - So... -Ethan, 424 00:23:12,725 --> 00:23:14,811 not your sister! 425 00:23:14,852 --> 00:23:16,312 Go ahead. 426 00:23:16,354 --> 00:23:18,940 I'm sorry I snuck out the other night. 427 00:23:18,981 --> 00:23:21,109 - That's okay. - I just had to get up early, 428 00:23:21,150 --> 00:23:22,944 and you were sleeping so soundly. 429 00:23:22,985 --> 00:23:24,195 No explanation needed. 430 00:23:24,237 --> 00:23:26,656 Okay. Good. 431 00:23:26,697 --> 00:23:28,616 I didn't want you to feel stiffed. 432 00:23:28,658 --> 00:23:31,077 I mean, earlier in the night I did want you to feel stiffed, 433 00:23:31,119 --> 00:23:32,161 but not stiffed, like... 434 00:23:32,203 --> 00:23:34,747 Really, it's no big deal at all. 435 00:23:34,789 --> 00:23:36,457 Okay. 436 00:23:38,417 --> 00:23:40,419 I just noticed... 437 00:23:40,461 --> 00:23:41,629 What? 438 00:23:41,671 --> 00:23:43,673 You didn't call. 439 00:23:44,715 --> 00:23:45,800 You didn't call, either. 440 00:23:45,842 --> 00:23:48,636 I know. I just thought you'd call. 441 00:23:48,678 --> 00:23:50,805 Well, I didn't think there was anything to call about. 442 00:23:50,847 --> 00:23:52,598 Zelda was gonna bring the kids over the next day. 443 00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:54,016 I was gonna drop them off on Wednesday. 444 00:23:54,058 --> 00:23:56,936 - I know the schedule. -So why would I call? 445 00:23:58,896 --> 00:24:00,523 - Midge? -Yes? 446 00:24:00,565 --> 00:24:02,191 You mad? 447 00:24:02,233 --> 00:24:04,152 - Nope. - Did I do something wrong? 448 00:24:04,193 --> 00:24:06,404 No. You did everything right. 449 00:24:06,445 --> 00:24:08,114 Twice. S-so thanks for that. 450 00:24:08,156 --> 00:24:10,533 Hey. You said one night. 451 00:24:10,575 --> 00:24:11,617 And I heard you. 452 00:24:11,659 --> 00:24:13,411 I just thought you'd follow up. 453 00:24:13,452 --> 00:24:14,662 Something happens, you follow up. 454 00:24:14,704 --> 00:24:15,830 A guy comes to fix your dishwasher, 455 00:24:15,872 --> 00:24:16,873 he calls later to follow up. 456 00:24:16,914 --> 00:24:18,541 - No, he doesn't. - Yes, he does. 457 00:24:18,583 --> 00:24:20,835 Midge, no dishwasher repairman in the world 458 00:24:20,877 --> 00:24:22,086 calls later to follow up. 459 00:24:22,128 --> 00:24:23,421 Well, when our dishwasher broke, 460 00:24:23,462 --> 00:24:24,672 the guy called later to follow up, 461 00:24:24,714 --> 00:24:25,923 and I appreciated it. 462 00:24:25,965 --> 00:24:27,216 If he did call to follow up, 463 00:24:27,258 --> 00:24:29,093 it wasn't on the state of the dishwasher. 464 00:24:29,135 --> 00:24:31,053 Oh, so now I fucked the dishwasher repairman? 465 00:24:31,095 --> 00:24:32,263 - Is that what you're implying? -No. 466 00:24:32,305 --> 00:24:33,931 I'm saying that a dishwasher repairman 467 00:24:33,973 --> 00:24:35,474 doesn't give a shit about your dishwasher 468 00:24:35,516 --> 00:24:37,602 - the minute he leaves the house. -Oh, so that's it. 469 00:24:37,643 --> 00:24:39,270 You don't care about my dishwasher anymore? 470 00:24:39,312 --> 00:24:41,105 If it works or doesn't work, it means nothing to you at all. 471 00:24:41,147 --> 00:24:42,982 I am not a dishwasher repairman, Midge! 472 00:24:43,024 --> 00:24:44,442 If you know anything about me, 473 00:24:44,483 --> 00:24:46,110 it's not that I cannot repair a fucking dishwasher! 474 00:24:46,152 --> 00:24:47,778 I know you can't repair a dishwasher. 475 00:24:47,820 --> 00:24:49,739 - That wasn't what I was saying. - Well, what were you saying? 476 00:24:49,780 --> 00:24:53,367 I don't know. I've totally lost the thread of this conversation. 477 00:24:53,409 --> 00:24:56,454 You made it very, very clear: one night only. 478 00:24:56,495 --> 00:24:58,331 I was not supposed to think it was anything 479 00:24:58,372 --> 00:25:00,166 more than it was. So I didn't. 480 00:25:00,208 --> 00:25:02,251 I took you at your word and kept to the script. 481 00:25:02,293 --> 00:25:03,669 I did what you asked me to do. 482 00:25:04,712 --> 00:25:07,298 I just thought you'd call. 483 00:25:09,675 --> 00:25:11,510 Did you want me to call? 484 00:25:11,552 --> 00:25:14,805 Did you change your mind? 485 00:25:20,436 --> 00:25:22,480 I'm not mad. 486 00:25:23,522 --> 00:25:26,609 Listen... I have to go. 487 00:25:26,651 --> 00:25:28,694 Ethan's found the packing tape, 488 00:25:28,736 --> 00:25:30,863 and I don't know where Esther is. 489 00:25:30,905 --> 00:25:32,907 - I'll call you later. -Bye. 490 00:25:44,085 --> 00:25:46,837 Who is it? 491 00:25:46,879 --> 00:25:50,549 It's me. 492 00:26:07,316 --> 00:26:10,361 Hello, darling! Mm. 493 00:26:12,154 --> 00:26:15,157 Flowers? 494 00:26:15,199 --> 00:26:17,618 You had sex with my sister? 495 00:26:36,220 --> 00:26:37,972 So, just to be clear, this is Chinatown. 496 00:26:38,014 --> 00:26:39,432 Yes, this is Chinatown. 497 00:26:39,473 --> 00:26:41,517 Something that Pop did not mention. 498 00:26:41,559 --> 00:26:44,228 Excuse me. This is 227 Bayard Street. 499 00:26:44,270 --> 00:26:45,479 - Yes? - Bayard. 500 00:26:48,024 --> 00:26:49,400 I don't think he speaks English. 501 00:26:49,442 --> 00:26:52,278 What would I do without you, Mrs. Moskowitz. 502 00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:53,946 It's a mess, but the bones are good. 503 00:26:53,988 --> 00:26:55,323 The bones are very good. 504 00:26:55,364 --> 00:26:56,699 Chinatown. You think people will come 505 00:26:56,741 --> 00:26:58,409 to a club in Chinatown? 506 00:26:58,451 --> 00:27:01,579 - If the drinks are strong and the music's hot. - 507 00:27:01,620 --> 00:27:03,831 Thank you. 508 00:27:03,873 --> 00:27:04,957 Must be the lease. 509 00:27:04,999 --> 00:27:08,377 - In Chinese? - And English. Thank God. 510 00:27:08,419 --> 00:27:11,213 There's a dead rat over here. We'd have to get rid of that. 511 00:27:11,255 --> 00:27:13,507 Geez, is that really the price? It's good. 512 00:27:13,549 --> 00:27:16,385 Whoa! Here's another one. Poor thing. 513 00:27:16,427 --> 00:27:17,511 He choked on a button. 514 00:27:17,553 --> 00:27:19,597 And the price is locked in for five years? 515 00:27:19,638 --> 00:27:23,559 Uh... immediate occupancy? I could take it now? 516 00:27:23,601 --> 00:27:27,229 I think I could take it now. 517 00:27:27,271 --> 00:27:30,566 I can't tell if I'm a genius or an idiot. 518 00:27:30,608 --> 00:27:32,360 Well, what do you think? 519 00:27:32,401 --> 00:27:33,652 We've seen a lot of shitholes. 520 00:27:33,694 --> 00:27:35,488 At least this one comes with a bar, a stage, 521 00:27:35,529 --> 00:27:37,073 and some wildlife. 522 00:27:37,114 --> 00:27:39,825 Your optimism is contagious, Mrs. Moskowitz. 523 00:27:42,995 --> 00:27:44,705 Who doesn't like wildlife, right? 524 00:27:44,747 --> 00:27:46,791 You know what? I'll take it. 525 00:28:57,778 --> 00:29:00,614 That's all for us, tonight, fellas. 526 00:29:00,656 --> 00:29:03,701 You stay safe, 527 00:29:03,742 --> 00:29:06,287 and God bless America! 528 00:29:26,807 --> 00:29:28,267 Can I have a picture, Mrs. Maisel? 529 00:29:28,309 --> 00:29:29,685 - Me, too. - Easy, boys. 530 00:29:29,727 --> 00:29:31,270 - You'll bruise the merchandise. - Hey, let's throw you 531 00:29:31,312 --> 00:29:33,355 - in the jeep for a shot with some of the men. -Sure. 532 00:29:33,397 --> 00:29:34,815 Yeah, nothing like a heartwarming 533 00:29:34,857 --> 00:29:37,485 Christmas time gangbang photo to send home to the family. 534 00:29:37,526 --> 00:29:39,528 A photo in the jeep will be fine. 535 00:29:42,781 --> 00:29:46,702 Okay, everyone, say, "Government cheese!" 536 00:29:46,744 --> 00:29:48,787 - Government cheese! - Ooh! 537 00:29:48,829 --> 00:29:50,080 Merry Christmas, fellas. 538 00:29:50,122 --> 00:29:52,708 - Better get one more. - Huh? 539 00:29:52,750 --> 00:29:54,502 Government cheese! 540 00:29:54,543 --> 00:29:55,711 Got it. 541 00:29:55,753 --> 00:29:58,672 Thank you, boys. Have a great Christmas. 542 00:29:58,714 --> 00:30:00,591 - Whew. - Good job today. 543 00:30:00,633 --> 00:30:02,760 Thanks, Mitchell. Good luck invading Cuba. 544 00:30:02,801 --> 00:30:04,428 We'll see you tonight at 1900 hours. 545 00:30:04,470 --> 00:30:06,805 - Oh, now you do army time. - What time is 1900 hours? 546 00:30:06,847 --> 00:30:08,015 - 6:00. - 7:00. 547 00:30:08,057 --> 00:30:09,767 - Fuck. - And what's happening then? 548 00:30:09,808 --> 00:30:11,644 There's a dance at the canteen for the boys. 549 00:30:11,685 --> 00:30:14,230 We like everyone to go, all the talent. 550 00:30:14,271 --> 00:30:15,648 Did you know about this? 551 00:30:15,689 --> 00:30:17,483 No one ever mentioned a canteen dance. 552 00:30:17,525 --> 00:30:19,360 - What do you think? - I don't have an outfit. 553 00:30:19,401 --> 00:30:20,819 There's one right there on your body. 554 00:30:20,861 --> 00:30:23,239 - Everyone's already seen it. - Then wear the one you came in. 555 00:30:23,280 --> 00:30:24,782 That's a traveling outfit. 556 00:30:24,823 --> 00:30:27,034 You know these guys don't give a shit what you're wearing, right? 557 00:30:27,076 --> 00:30:28,702 They're all picturing you without your clothes on anyway. 558 00:30:28,744 --> 00:30:31,705 I'm representing Shy. I have to look a certain way. 559 00:30:31,747 --> 00:30:33,541 Look, I've yet to win a clothing argument, 560 00:30:33,582 --> 00:30:35,709 - so it ain't gonna happen. - But it's tradition. 561 00:30:35,751 --> 00:30:37,878 It's for the boys. 562 00:30:37,920 --> 00:30:41,048 I guess I could go home and grab an outfit. 563 00:30:41,090 --> 00:30:43,551 - Can someone give us a ride? - I can arrange that. 564 00:30:43,592 --> 00:30:44,969 - Private Lawrence. - I think I'm gonna stay here 565 00:30:45,010 --> 00:30:46,387 and wait for you. 566 00:30:46,428 --> 00:30:48,847 You sure you don't want to go home and grab your fancy blazer? 567 00:30:48,889 --> 00:30:50,558 - For the boys? - Don't want to overwhelm them. 568 00:30:50,599 --> 00:30:53,686 Okay. Be back as soon as I can. 569 00:30:53,727 --> 00:30:55,104 Goddamn it. 570 00:30:55,145 --> 00:30:57,022 Susie Myerson. 571 00:30:57,064 --> 00:30:59,149 Phone call for Susie Myerson. 572 00:31:02,903 --> 00:31:04,238 Susie Myerson. 573 00:31:04,280 --> 00:31:05,614 Oh, there you are. 574 00:31:05,656 --> 00:31:07,241 I've been looking everywhere for you. 575 00:31:07,283 --> 00:31:08,450 I'm over at your apartment. 576 00:31:08,492 --> 00:31:09,910 What the hell are you doing at my apartment? 577 00:31:09,952 --> 00:31:11,870 I'm getting the place ready for my sublet. 578 00:31:11,912 --> 00:31:13,455 You don't expect me to live like you do. 579 00:31:13,497 --> 00:31:14,873 Get out of my apartment. 580 00:31:14,915 --> 00:31:16,417 Relax. I'm just taking some measurements. 581 00:31:16,458 --> 00:31:17,626 For what? 582 00:31:17,668 --> 00:31:19,837 You need drapes. The whole fucking street 583 00:31:19,878 --> 00:31:21,964 can watch you do whatever weird shit you do. 584 00:31:22,006 --> 00:31:25,259 - No drapes. -It's too sad. There's no feminine touch. 585 00:31:25,301 --> 00:31:26,719 - Jackie! -Anyhow, 586 00:31:26,760 --> 00:31:29,722 I'm here and someone shows up who wants to talk to you. 587 00:31:29,763 --> 00:31:31,765 Who? Jackie. 588 00:31:31,807 --> 00:31:33,225 Jackie? 589 00:31:33,267 --> 00:31:35,019 Who? 590 00:31:35,060 --> 00:31:36,437 Why do you live here? 591 00:31:36,478 --> 00:31:38,272 Let me rephrase that. 592 00:31:38,314 --> 00:31:41,817 You don't live here. Not anymore. I forbid it. 593 00:31:41,859 --> 00:31:42,985 - Sophie. -I am 594 00:31:43,027 --> 00:31:44,153 furious with you. 595 00:31:44,194 --> 00:31:46,363 - It's rent-controlled. - Not about that. 596 00:31:46,405 --> 00:31:49,742 - I know I owe you a call. - A call? You owe me a call? 597 00:31:49,783 --> 00:31:51,285 I asked you to be my manager. 598 00:31:51,327 --> 00:31:52,995 You owe me more than a call. 599 00:31:53,037 --> 00:31:55,205 - Your manager? No shit? - Never speak again. 600 00:31:55,247 --> 00:31:58,459 I offered you the chance of a lifetime, 601 00:31:58,500 --> 00:32:01,462 and then I sat by the phone like a virgin on prom night. 602 00:32:01,503 --> 00:32:03,297 Finally, I realized you were not going to call. 603 00:32:03,339 --> 00:32:04,506 I was gonna call. 604 00:32:04,548 --> 00:32:06,800 So I had to come to you. 605 00:32:06,842 --> 00:32:09,011 Here. 606 00:32:09,053 --> 00:32:11,472 Below 14th Street. 607 00:32:11,513 --> 00:32:13,974 I had to walk down stairs. I had to 608 00:32:14,016 --> 00:32:16,101 touch a doorknob that was alive. 609 00:32:16,143 --> 00:32:18,270 I had to talk to your husband. 610 00:32:18,312 --> 00:32:20,314 - He's not my fucking husband! - I'm not her husband. 611 00:32:20,356 --> 00:32:21,690 - Give me a fucking heart attack. - Christ, my fucking heart. 612 00:32:21,732 --> 00:32:23,942 Well, why is someone who is not your husband 613 00:32:23,984 --> 00:32:26,195 neck-deep in my fur? 614 00:32:26,236 --> 00:32:29,365 - Can't answer that. -It's freezing in here. 615 00:32:29,406 --> 00:32:31,200 It is freezing in here. 616 00:32:31,241 --> 00:32:34,370 Sophie, I'm sorry, really, but can I call you back later? 617 00:32:34,411 --> 00:32:36,163 - Where are you? - At a USO show. 618 00:32:36,205 --> 00:32:38,582 - I don't do USO shows. -It's not for you. 619 00:32:38,624 --> 00:32:39,917 Well, then I don't want to hear about it 620 00:32:39,958 --> 00:32:42,294 or any other excuse you might be conjuring up. 621 00:32:42,336 --> 00:32:44,421 I don't give a flying merde. 622 00:32:44,463 --> 00:32:46,215 Do you understand 623 00:32:46,256 --> 00:32:47,925 who I am? 624 00:32:47,966 --> 00:32:50,427 What I am to this business? 625 00:32:50,469 --> 00:32:53,931 - I do. -And yet you made me track you down. 626 00:32:53,972 --> 00:32:56,558 The last time I had to track someone down 627 00:32:56,600 --> 00:32:58,727 was to tell Desi Arnaz he gave me the clap. 628 00:32:58,769 --> 00:33:01,772 I'm sorry, about this and the clap. 629 00:33:01,814 --> 00:33:04,858 The clap was worth it. This isn't. 630 00:33:04,900 --> 00:33:08,570 Now I have been patient, and I'm out of patience. 631 00:33:08,612 --> 00:33:12,241 I want an answer to my question and I want it right now. 632 00:33:12,282 --> 00:33:13,659 Are you my manager 633 00:33:13,701 --> 00:33:17,037 or are you not? 634 00:33:17,079 --> 00:33:19,331 Rose, I don't understand why... 635 00:33:19,373 --> 00:33:21,041 What is that? 636 00:33:21,083 --> 00:33:23,335 - I demand you tell me exactly what you... - 637 00:33:23,377 --> 00:33:25,504 Okay, maybe demand's too strong. 638 00:33:25,546 --> 00:33:28,006 I want you to see what our lives cost. 639 00:33:28,048 --> 00:33:30,968 I know what it cost, and you're smoking in the house. 640 00:33:31,009 --> 00:33:32,428 How much does Zelda make? 641 00:33:32,469 --> 00:33:34,513 Zelda makes $30 a week. 642 00:33:34,555 --> 00:33:36,432 - Wrong. - What do you mean wrong? 643 00:33:36,473 --> 00:33:38,350 You can't just say "wrong" to me. 644 00:33:38,392 --> 00:33:40,477 Zelda makes $60 a week. 645 00:33:40,519 --> 00:33:42,896 That's impossible. I pay her $30. 646 00:33:42,938 --> 00:33:45,399 - And then I pay her the rest. - With what? 647 00:33:45,441 --> 00:33:46,859 With the money from my trust fund. 648 00:33:48,902 --> 00:33:51,572 You really think we live like this on your salary? 649 00:33:51,613 --> 00:33:55,033 You really think that Miriam has all those fabulous clothes 650 00:33:55,075 --> 00:33:56,952 because you were a professor at Columbia? 651 00:33:56,994 --> 00:34:00,789 The vacations, the dinners, the cocktail parties... 652 00:34:00,831 --> 00:34:02,499 you think all that exists 653 00:34:02,541 --> 00:34:04,793 because you taught eight hyper-intelligent, 654 00:34:04,835 --> 00:34:07,713 emotionally-retarded eunuchs to draw symbols on a chalkboard. 655 00:34:07,755 --> 00:34:09,798 I think you're oversimplifying my classes. 656 00:34:09,840 --> 00:34:12,509 Do you know one other professor who lives the way we do? 657 00:34:12,551 --> 00:34:15,596 - Milk is 49 cents a gallon? - Not one. 658 00:34:15,637 --> 00:34:18,766 They all have drab clothes and gray skin and they die young. 659 00:34:18,807 --> 00:34:21,935 You're telling me that you paid for all of these things 660 00:34:21,977 --> 00:34:23,771 - out of your trust fund? - Yes. 661 00:34:23,812 --> 00:34:25,856 You told me that trust fund was just there 662 00:34:25,898 --> 00:34:27,065 to buy me birthday presents. 663 00:34:27,107 --> 00:34:28,400 Well, happy fucking birthday, Abe. 664 00:34:28,442 --> 00:34:30,402 Now cut the crap and go get our lives back. 665 00:34:31,737 --> 00:34:32,988 This is ridiculous. 666 00:34:33,030 --> 00:34:35,991 All this talk is about 667 00:34:36,033 --> 00:34:37,743 possessions and things. 668 00:34:37,785 --> 00:34:40,454 I mean, look at this apartment. 669 00:34:40,496 --> 00:34:42,247 Who needs all these rooms? 670 00:34:42,289 --> 00:34:43,957 A living room, a dining room, 671 00:34:43,999 --> 00:34:46,251 a kitchen, two bathrooms. 672 00:34:46,293 --> 00:34:48,295 I have a room, you have a room, 673 00:34:48,337 --> 00:34:50,589 Miriam has a room, her children have a room. 674 00:34:50,631 --> 00:34:53,509 And the coup de grâce: this whole room 675 00:34:53,550 --> 00:34:55,594 is for our daughter's clothes. 676 00:34:55,636 --> 00:34:59,223 Clothes and clothes 677 00:34:59,264 --> 00:35:01,141 and more clothes and... 678 00:35:01,183 --> 00:35:05,270 I was never a materialistic man, Rose. 679 00:35:05,312 --> 00:35:08,440 I cared about science and thought 680 00:35:08,482 --> 00:35:11,026 and bettering mankind. Now look at me. 681 00:35:11,068 --> 00:35:12,861 I'm wearing two sweaters. 682 00:35:12,903 --> 00:35:14,905 Rose, tell me, 683 00:35:14,947 --> 00:35:16,323 when did I become a man 684 00:35:16,365 --> 00:35:19,326 who needs five bedrooms? 685 00:35:19,368 --> 00:35:23,247 When did I become a man who-who needs a linen closet? 686 00:35:23,288 --> 00:35:25,499 When did I become a man who has a maid? 687 00:35:25,541 --> 00:35:27,543 When did I change? 688 00:35:27,584 --> 00:35:29,461 When did I become this selfish, 689 00:35:29,503 --> 00:35:31,797 materialistic man? 690 00:35:31,839 --> 00:35:34,842 Th-The kind of man I used to despise. 691 00:35:34,883 --> 00:35:37,386 - When you married me. - I didn't say that! 692 00:35:37,427 --> 00:35:38,679 Hi, it's me! 693 00:35:38,720 --> 00:35:41,056 I just have to change and get back to the airfield. 694 00:35:41,098 --> 00:35:42,391 Hey, what happened to my clothes? 695 00:35:42,432 --> 00:35:44,434 Have you worn all these dresses? 696 00:35:44,476 --> 00:35:45,978 - Have I... - Because I don't think 697 00:35:46,019 --> 00:35:49,356 you've been on Earth long enough even at a rate of two per day. 698 00:35:49,398 --> 00:35:52,192 - Okay, what is happening? - What do you mean, "What is happening"? 699 00:35:52,234 --> 00:35:53,861 - Have you not been paying attention? - She never pays attention. 700 00:35:53,902 --> 00:35:55,195 Our whole lives are going down the toilet. 701 00:35:55,237 --> 00:35:57,531 - Where the hell have you been? - She's been out. 702 00:35:57,573 --> 00:35:59,032 Doing whatever it is she does at night. 703 00:35:59,074 --> 00:36:00,784 Oh, and I suppose that's my fault, too. 704 00:36:00,826 --> 00:36:02,786 - You know what I'm doing at night. - If you hadn't met me, 705 00:36:02,828 --> 00:36:03,996 then I wouldn't be Miriam's mother 706 00:36:04,037 --> 00:36:05,664 and she wouldn't be turning to prostitution 707 00:36:05,706 --> 00:36:07,875 - instead of being married. - I am not a prostitute. I'm a comic. 708 00:36:07,916 --> 00:36:10,627 - Is there a difference? - Yes, prostitutes get paid more. 709 00:36:10,669 --> 00:36:11,837 Hilarious. 710 00:36:11,879 --> 00:36:14,172 - You should go into comedy. - I did. 711 00:36:14,214 --> 00:36:16,592 I can't deal with you now. I have enough to worry about. 712 00:36:16,633 --> 00:36:18,051 Yes. You have to figure out where we're gonna live. 713 00:36:18,093 --> 00:36:19,136 - Okay. - How we're gonna pay for it. 714 00:36:19,177 --> 00:36:20,762 - Enough. - And the going rate of Zelda. 715 00:36:20,804 --> 00:36:22,890 - So you took it out on my clothes? - He saved you the trouble. 716 00:36:22,931 --> 00:36:24,892 You have to move them anyway because this is not 717 00:36:24,933 --> 00:36:28,103 - our home anymore. -It was never ours. Columbia always owned it. 718 00:36:28,145 --> 00:36:29,688 We would've had to move eventually. 719 00:36:29,730 --> 00:36:32,107 - Yes, when we died. - Still, a deadline. 720 00:36:32,149 --> 00:36:33,525 - Oh. - Blue dress, blue dress. 721 00:36:33,567 --> 00:36:36,236 - What are you doing? - I need a dress for tonight. 722 00:36:36,278 --> 00:36:38,780 You see? Selfish. That's the daughter that we raised. 723 00:36:38,822 --> 00:36:40,574 Now wait a minute, don't turn 724 00:36:40,616 --> 00:36:42,284 whatever this fight is around on me. 725 00:36:42,326 --> 00:36:44,036 I am hardly the selfish one here. 726 00:36:44,077 --> 00:36:45,704 What does that mean? 727 00:36:45,746 --> 00:36:47,581 I couldn't believe it when Mama told me what you did. 728 00:36:47,623 --> 00:36:49,833 - What I did when? - Columbia? Quitting? 729 00:36:49,875 --> 00:36:52,252 Giving up the apartment? I am still in shock. 730 00:36:52,294 --> 00:36:54,254 That situation has nothing to do with you. 731 00:36:54,296 --> 00:36:56,173 What are you talking about? I live here. 732 00:36:56,214 --> 00:36:57,633 My children live here. 733 00:36:57,674 --> 00:36:59,259 But you shouldn't be living here, should you? 734 00:36:59,301 --> 00:37:00,469 You shouldn't be living here, 735 00:37:00,510 --> 00:37:01,720 your children shouldn't be living here. 736 00:37:01,762 --> 00:37:03,180 You should be living with your husband, 737 00:37:03,221 --> 00:37:06,183 - at your own place. - My husband walked out. 738 00:37:06,224 --> 00:37:07,935 Sure, but then another one walked in. 739 00:37:07,976 --> 00:37:09,186 Yes, a doctor. 740 00:37:09,227 --> 00:37:11,188 What the hell happened with Benjamin anyway? 741 00:37:11,229 --> 00:37:13,148 - You know what happened with Benjamin. - No. 742 00:37:13,190 --> 00:37:15,317 - I don't. -We were looking through magazines, planning menus. 743 00:37:15,359 --> 00:37:17,986 - And I had to sit with him all morning. - I told you, 744 00:37:18,028 --> 00:37:20,530 - it wasn't right. - Is it another man? 745 00:37:20,572 --> 00:37:22,032 - No. No. - No? 746 00:37:22,074 --> 00:37:24,159 - No? - Seriously, break the logjam. 747 00:37:27,079 --> 00:37:29,081 I'd follow her if I were you. 748 00:37:30,749 --> 00:37:32,626 Mama. Mama, can we please 749 00:37:32,668 --> 00:37:34,920 finish this conversation? 750 00:37:34,962 --> 00:37:38,882 "Dear Upper West Side, thank you for bringing your umbrella. 751 00:37:38,924 --> 00:37:40,509 "I'm at The Den Friday and Saturday night 752 00:37:40,550 --> 00:37:41,927 "if you feel like dropping by. 753 00:37:41,969 --> 00:37:44,221 If not, I'll see you next time I'm in town. Lenny." 754 00:37:44,262 --> 00:37:46,181 - Who is Lenny? - Lenny's a sissy's name. 755 00:37:46,223 --> 00:37:48,433 - Lenny Bruce. - Bruce is a thug's name. 756 00:37:48,475 --> 00:37:49,977 - He's a comedian. - Oh, God. 757 00:37:50,018 --> 00:37:53,605 So this Lenny Bruce is the reason that you left Benjamin? 758 00:37:53,647 --> 00:37:55,565 - What? No. - He sends you flowers. 759 00:37:55,607 --> 00:37:56,984 I am not spending the morning with him. 760 00:37:57,025 --> 00:37:58,276 You can tell him that right now. 761 00:37:58,318 --> 00:38:00,612 Will you listen to me? I said he was just a friend. 762 00:38:00,654 --> 00:38:01,947 I can't believe you dropped a surgeon 763 00:38:01,989 --> 00:38:03,240 to go out with some comedian. 764 00:38:03,281 --> 00:38:05,325 I did not drop Benjamin for Lenny. 765 00:38:05,367 --> 00:38:07,369 You are frivolous and flighty. 766 00:38:07,411 --> 00:38:09,037 And that's what happens when you let someone 767 00:38:09,079 --> 00:38:10,622 have an entire room for skirts. 768 00:38:10,664 --> 00:38:12,916 Oh, yes, Abe, it's my fault that she's like that, is that it? 769 00:38:12,958 --> 00:38:16,253 I didn't say that, but I am not her shopping buddy. 770 00:38:16,294 --> 00:38:17,879 Oh, you know what, I've had it. 771 00:38:17,921 --> 00:38:19,756 I'm tired of hearing my husband of 31 years 772 00:38:19,798 --> 00:38:21,383 blame me for everything. 773 00:38:21,425 --> 00:38:23,385 Blame me because he's not a freedom fighter. 774 00:38:23,427 --> 00:38:25,303 Blame me because he's not Che Guevara. 775 00:38:25,345 --> 00:38:26,847 That's ridiculous. Che Guevara isn't Jewish. 776 00:38:26,888 --> 00:38:28,306 I'm sorry, Abe. 777 00:38:28,348 --> 00:38:30,350 I'm sorry that you weren't there to bring Stalin down. 778 00:38:30,392 --> 00:38:32,060 I'm sorry your hair's not unkempt 779 00:38:32,102 --> 00:38:33,687 and you're not growing a full beard 780 00:38:33,729 --> 00:38:35,689 and you're not fornicating with syphilitic poets. 781 00:38:35,731 --> 00:38:37,649 I'm sure your beatnik hero Jack Krack-a-wack must be 782 00:38:37,691 --> 00:38:40,569 - just rife with syphilis. - Do you mean Jack Kerouac? 783 00:38:40,610 --> 00:38:41,778 - Oh... - Who? 784 00:38:41,820 --> 00:38:44,156 Jack Kerouac. On the Road? 785 00:38:44,197 --> 00:38:46,283 Oh, for God's sake, you should know him. 786 00:38:46,324 --> 00:38:47,826 - You're young. - I don't read. I... 787 00:38:47,868 --> 00:38:51,246 How a daughter of mine developed absolutely no intellectual 788 00:38:51,288 --> 00:38:54,666 or social curiosity or sense of responsibility is beyond me. 789 00:38:54,708 --> 00:38:56,668 Oh, please. Please. 790 00:38:56,710 --> 00:38:58,879 How dare you double-please me. 791 00:38:58,920 --> 00:39:01,089 You don't even know who Lenny Bruce is. 792 00:39:01,131 --> 00:39:03,633 You blather on and on about free speech. 793 00:39:03,675 --> 00:39:06,261 He's out there getting arrested in the name of free speech. 794 00:39:06,303 --> 00:39:09,681 He's talking about things no one has the balls to talk about. 795 00:39:09,723 --> 00:39:11,975 You put down comedy and what I do. 796 00:39:12,017 --> 00:39:14,186 You don't even know what goes on out there. 797 00:39:14,227 --> 00:39:15,812 This guy is the real deal, 798 00:39:15,854 --> 00:39:18,523 but you just scoff and pretend that he's nothing. 799 00:39:18,565 --> 00:39:19,941 That is ignorant. 800 00:39:19,983 --> 00:39:21,777 You are ignorant. 801 00:39:21,818 --> 00:39:23,403 Found my dress. 802 00:39:24,905 --> 00:39:26,907 Well, you can wear that, it's been on the floor... 803 00:39:26,948 --> 00:39:29,618 it needs to be steamed. 804 00:39:29,659 --> 00:39:31,745 And you quit your piano lessons! 805 00:39:31,787 --> 00:39:34,664 - When I was eight! - You just quit. You're a quitter. 806 00:39:34,706 --> 00:39:36,208 I hated piano. 807 00:39:36,249 --> 00:39:39,086 Of course you hated piano... didn't come with a costume. 808 00:39:39,127 --> 00:39:42,339 I was a terrible player. The neighbors complained. 809 00:39:42,380 --> 00:39:45,550 - My teacher used earplugs. - But you should not have quit. 810 00:39:45,592 --> 00:39:48,428 That sets the tone for an entire life. 811 00:39:48,470 --> 00:39:50,472 I have to go. I have to work. 812 00:39:50,514 --> 00:39:53,058 Ah. You quit piano, you quit your marriage, 813 00:39:53,100 --> 00:39:55,560 you quit Benjamin. I wouldn't be surprised 814 00:39:55,602 --> 00:39:58,063 if you quit this comedy thing, too. 815 00:39:59,106 --> 00:40:00,899 Never. 816 00:40:23,130 --> 00:40:25,757 - So this is it. - How do you already have keys? 817 00:40:25,799 --> 00:40:27,634 I signed the lease, they gave me the keys. 818 00:40:27,676 --> 00:40:29,719 Joel Maisel, strikes a hard bargain. 819 00:40:29,761 --> 00:40:31,263 - Let it be known! - How much? 820 00:40:31,304 --> 00:40:33,640 - $500 a month. It's a steal. - Hey! 821 00:40:33,682 --> 00:40:35,976 - You've already got a bar. - And a stage. 822 00:40:36,017 --> 00:40:37,978 Probably needs shoring up, but the layout's perfect. 823 00:40:38,019 --> 00:40:39,479 What's with all the buttons? 824 00:40:39,521 --> 00:40:41,523 One of my dad's suppliers was using it as storage. 825 00:40:41,565 --> 00:40:42,983 That's how I heard about this place. 826 00:40:43,024 --> 00:40:44,901 Buttons, buttons... 827 00:40:44,943 --> 00:40:46,403 The Button Club. There's your name. 828 00:40:46,444 --> 00:40:48,280 Looks like I found my creative director. 829 00:40:48,321 --> 00:40:50,157 - I don't come cheap. - That's not what I heard. 830 00:40:50,198 --> 00:40:52,033 I think you got a bargain, buddy. Really. 831 00:40:52,075 --> 00:40:54,619 Timing's good, too. Mom and Pop are in a good place, 832 00:40:54,661 --> 00:40:56,621 and with my divorce getting finalized now... 833 00:40:56,663 --> 00:40:59,040 - Aw, shit. - Nah, it's fine. It's good. 834 00:40:59,082 --> 00:41:02,586 - Really. It's a new beginning. - Okay. So when do we start? 835 00:41:02,627 --> 00:41:05,255 - We? -I'm your creative director. Try and stop me. 836 00:41:05,297 --> 00:41:07,132 Unless you're Imogene, who will try and stop me. 837 00:41:07,174 --> 00:41:09,342 We'll need a couple of crowbars, 838 00:41:09,384 --> 00:41:12,387 a ton of sandpaper... 839 00:41:18,435 --> 00:41:19,811 - Joel? - I don't know. 840 00:41:19,853 --> 00:41:22,189 - Where does that door go? - I never saw that door. 841 00:41:22,230 --> 00:41:25,150 You leased a space with a scary mystery door? 842 00:41:25,192 --> 00:41:26,735 No. Yes. 843 00:41:26,776 --> 00:41:28,028 I don't know. 844 00:42:07,943 --> 00:42:09,903 - Archie? - I don't know. 845 00:42:09,945 --> 00:42:12,906 - Shit. Shit! - You can say that again. 846 00:42:12,948 --> 00:42:15,075 I've already signed a lease. I've put money down. 847 00:42:19,955 --> 00:42:20,914 Hi. 848 00:42:20,956 --> 00:42:21,915 - Hi. - Hello. 849 00:42:21,957 --> 00:42:23,333 You the new tenants? 850 00:42:23,375 --> 00:42:25,126 I'm the new tenant. What the hell is going on in there? 851 00:42:25,168 --> 00:42:27,003 - Where? - Behind you, in there. 852 00:42:27,045 --> 00:42:28,588 Nothing. What's your name? 853 00:42:28,630 --> 00:42:30,215 Forget my name. What is that? 854 00:42:30,257 --> 00:42:32,050 - Who are those people? - Family gathering. 855 00:42:32,092 --> 00:42:33,927 - Really? Your family? - Yup. 856 00:42:33,969 --> 00:42:35,470 - Yup. Yup. - All of them? 857 00:42:35,512 --> 00:42:37,430 - The guy serving drinks? - My cousin. 858 00:42:37,472 --> 00:42:39,182 - He was wearing a name tag. - I have a lot of cousins. 859 00:42:39,224 --> 00:42:40,600 Those people in there are gambling. 860 00:42:40,642 --> 00:42:43,270 - What? No. - We saw dice, we saw cards. 861 00:42:43,311 --> 00:42:44,521 They're throwing cash around. 862 00:42:44,562 --> 00:42:46,898 I always liked this space. What's it gonna be? 863 00:42:46,940 --> 00:42:48,984 A club. Look, don't change the subject. 864 00:42:49,025 --> 00:42:50,318 I need to know what's going on. 865 00:42:50,360 --> 00:42:52,153 I don't want to get tied up in something illegal. 866 00:42:52,195 --> 00:42:54,364 Nobody's gonna tie you up. What kind of club? 867 00:42:54,406 --> 00:42:56,616 I signed a lease, I made a deposit. 868 00:42:56,658 --> 00:43:00,078 You know, a long time ago, this was a club. A magic club. 869 00:43:00,120 --> 00:43:03,331 One night, the guy made a woman disappear. 870 00:43:03,373 --> 00:43:04,791 No one ever found her again. 871 00:43:04,833 --> 00:43:07,335 Wait, what? Something happened to her? 872 00:43:07,377 --> 00:43:09,212 No, he was just a really bad magician. 873 00:43:09,254 --> 00:43:10,755 - Listen... - Or maybe a really good one. 874 00:43:10,797 --> 00:43:12,382 No, that is not a true story, 875 00:43:12,424 --> 00:43:14,801 just like a family gathering is not a true story. 876 00:43:14,843 --> 00:43:17,804 - That is not your cousin. - Okay, so it's been nice talking to you. 877 00:43:17,846 --> 00:43:19,306 You shouldn't come through this door again. 878 00:43:19,347 --> 00:43:22,392 - Wait. -Leave us alone, we'll leave you alone. 879 00:43:22,434 --> 00:43:24,227 Or what... I'll disappear? 880 00:43:24,269 --> 00:43:26,104 Well, that's silly. 881 00:43:26,146 --> 00:43:28,148 I'm not a magician. 882 00:43:31,693 --> 00:43:32,944 Shit. 883 00:43:32,986 --> 00:43:35,196 Buddy, it's fine. 884 00:43:35,238 --> 00:43:36,573 We leave them alone, 885 00:43:36,614 --> 00:43:38,491 they'll leave us alone. 886 00:43:44,664 --> 00:43:46,249 Mmm. Mmm. 887 00:43:48,293 --> 00:43:50,628 I quit. 888 00:44:01,681 --> 00:44:04,476 I'm... I'm here to see Lenny Bruce. 889 00:44:04,517 --> 00:44:07,520 $2.50 cover, two drink minimum. 890 00:44:07,562 --> 00:44:09,147 Well, all right, and... 891 00:44:09,189 --> 00:44:11,733 that's if you drink both drinks, 892 00:44:11,775 --> 00:44:14,444 or just in general? 893 00:44:14,486 --> 00:44:16,279 In general. 894 00:44:16,321 --> 00:44:18,323 Okay. 895 00:44:26,414 --> 00:44:29,751 Ladies and gentlemen, Lenny Bruce. 896 00:44:36,424 --> 00:44:37,801 Thank you. 897 00:44:37,842 --> 00:44:40,011 Oh, that's a very nice welcome. 898 00:44:40,053 --> 00:44:43,056 Uh, did any of you happen to catch me 899 00:44:43,098 --> 00:44:44,724 on The Steve Allen Show? 900 00:44:44,766 --> 00:44:46,393 Yeah. 901 00:44:46,434 --> 00:44:48,019 I cleaned up very nicely, 902 00:44:48,061 --> 00:44:51,106 if I do say so myself. I, uh... 903 00:44:51,147 --> 00:44:54,651 I sang a little song, I offended no one. 904 00:44:56,236 --> 00:44:59,072 You see, often I am billed at nightclubs 905 00:44:59,114 --> 00:45:00,865 with a sign that says, 906 00:45:00,907 --> 00:45:03,284 "For Adults Only." 907 00:45:03,326 --> 00:45:07,163 I am very interested in the motivation for that billing. 908 00:45:07,205 --> 00:45:10,291 I must assume that "for adults only" 909 00:45:10,333 --> 00:45:14,129 means that my point of view would be a deterrent 910 00:45:14,170 --> 00:45:16,506 to the development of a well-adjusted member 911 00:45:16,548 --> 00:45:18,216 of the community. 912 00:45:18,258 --> 00:45:21,886 See, the argument is a child will ape 913 00:45:21,928 --> 00:45:23,888 the actions of an actor. 914 00:45:23,930 --> 00:45:26,599 What he sees now in his formative years, 915 00:45:26,641 --> 00:45:28,518 he may do as an adult, 916 00:45:28,560 --> 00:45:31,604 so then we must be very careful 917 00:45:31,646 --> 00:45:34,482 what we let the child see. 918 00:45:34,524 --> 00:45:36,818 So then I would rather my kid 919 00:45:36,860 --> 00:45:39,404 see a stag film 920 00:45:39,446 --> 00:45:42,532 than The Ten Commandments or The King of Kings, 921 00:45:42,574 --> 00:45:46,453 because I don't want my kids to kill Christ when he comes back. 922 00:45:48,121 --> 00:45:49,956 Well, that's what they see in those pictures... 923 00:45:49,998 --> 00:45:52,292 that violence. 924 00:45:52,333 --> 00:45:56,254 Well, let me just take your kids to a dirty movie then. 925 00:45:56,296 --> 00:45:59,090 All right kids, uh, sit down now, 926 00:45:59,132 --> 00:46:00,842 the picture's about to start. 927 00:46:00,884 --> 00:46:04,304 Oh, it's not like Psycho, with lots of four-letter words, 928 00:46:04,345 --> 00:46:08,057 like, "kill" and "maim" and "hurt." 929 00:46:08,099 --> 00:46:11,561 No, it's a dirty movie. Okay. 930 00:46:11,603 --> 00:46:14,689 A couple is coming in now, and, uh... Oh. 931 00:46:14,731 --> 00:46:17,108 The guy is picking up the pillow. 932 00:46:17,150 --> 00:46:19,694 Oh, he'll probably smother her with it, 933 00:46:19,736 --> 00:46:22,155 that'll be a good opening. 934 00:46:22,197 --> 00:46:25,909 Oh, the degenerate, he's putting it under her ass. 935 00:46:25,950 --> 00:46:28,536 Jesus. 936 00:46:28,578 --> 00:46:30,914 Oh, I hate to show this crap to you kids. 937 00:46:30,955 --> 00:46:32,999 Uh... Oh, right, 938 00:46:33,041 --> 00:46:35,543 now he's raising his hand. 939 00:46:35,585 --> 00:46:38,379 He'll probably strike her, and, uh... 940 00:46:38,421 --> 00:46:41,508 Nope, he's caressing her 941 00:46:41,549 --> 00:46:44,511 and kissing her. 942 00:46:44,552 --> 00:46:47,222 Oh, this is disgusting. 943 00:46:47,263 --> 00:46:49,807 All right, now he's kissing her some more, 944 00:46:49,849 --> 00:46:52,268 and, uh... Oh, she's saying something. 945 00:46:52,310 --> 00:46:55,647 Uh, she'll probably scream at him, "Get out of here!" 946 00:46:55,688 --> 00:46:58,650 No, no, she's saying, 947 00:46:58,691 --> 00:47:01,569 "I love you. I'm coming." 948 00:47:03,988 --> 00:47:06,032 Oh, kids, I'm sorry 949 00:47:06,074 --> 00:47:08,159 that I had to show you anything like this. 950 00:47:08,201 --> 00:47:09,911 God knows it'll be on my conscience 951 00:47:09,953 --> 00:47:12,163 for the rest of my life. 952 00:47:12,205 --> 00:47:14,541 I never did see one stag film 953 00:47:14,582 --> 00:47:16,167 where anyone got killed in the end, 954 00:47:16,209 --> 00:47:17,961 or even slapped in the mouth, 955 00:47:18,002 --> 00:47:21,923 or where there was any Communist propaganda. 956 00:47:21,965 --> 00:47:25,426 I can tell from the body language 957 00:47:25,468 --> 00:47:28,513 the police think the show's about to get interesting. 958 00:47:28,555 --> 00:47:30,723 Did you see me on Steve Allen? 959 00:47:30,765 --> 00:47:32,976 No. 960 00:47:33,017 --> 00:47:34,727 Ah, well. 961 00:47:34,769 --> 00:47:36,854 That's too bad, you would've liked it. Uh... 962 00:47:37,897 --> 00:47:41,150 Okay, so I want to point out 963 00:47:41,192 --> 00:47:43,611 the "God made the body" paradox 964 00:47:43,653 --> 00:47:45,947 of the decent people who would object 965 00:47:45,989 --> 00:47:49,784 to this, uh, groovy-looking chick. 966 00:47:49,826 --> 00:47:53,246 Now, if I'm dressing, 967 00:47:53,288 --> 00:47:55,164 and I see that chick there, 968 00:47:55,206 --> 00:47:58,668 Miss September, across the way, I'm gonna look. 969 00:47:58,710 --> 00:48:01,337 - That's it, Bruce. - But, see, in our society, 970 00:48:01,379 --> 00:48:04,299 it's pull down the shade and charge two bucks to get in. 971 00:48:04,340 --> 00:48:06,843 - Let's go, now. - That's what repression does. 972 00:48:06,884 --> 00:48:09,846 The obscenity law, when everything else boils away, is 973 00:48:09,887 --> 00:48:11,764 does it appeal to the prurient interest? 974 00:48:11,806 --> 00:48:13,933 Well, I want to know what's wrong with appealing 975 00:48:13,975 --> 00:48:16,436 to the prurient interest. No, I really want 976 00:48:16,477 --> 00:48:18,438 the Supreme Court to stand up and tell me 977 00:48:18,479 --> 00:48:20,315 that fucking is dirty and no good. 978 00:48:23,318 --> 00:48:24,569 All right, I'm coming. 979 00:48:24,611 --> 00:48:26,529 I'm coming. 980 00:48:26,571 --> 00:48:29,532 You actually let me get a lot farther that time, thank you. 981 00:48:29,574 --> 00:48:31,576 Yeah, let's go. 982 00:48:34,162 --> 00:48:36,247 Here, you take it. 983 00:48:36,289 --> 00:48:38,958 A-Are they arresting him? Wait, are you arresting him? 984 00:48:39,000 --> 00:48:41,586 - Sit down, sir. - B-B-But you-you can't do that. 985 00:48:41,628 --> 00:48:43,504 - He-He's just talking. - I mean it. 986 00:48:43,546 --> 00:48:46,633 Look, I understand you don't like it. I don't either, really. 987 00:48:46,674 --> 00:48:50,261 It was obscene, repulsive, that girl was clearly very cold. 988 00:48:50,303 --> 00:48:51,679 Who wants to see that? 989 00:48:51,721 --> 00:48:54,682 But that's not really for you to decide, is it? 990 00:48:54,724 --> 00:48:56,517 Listen to the man, he's wearing two sweaters. 991 00:48:56,559 --> 00:48:58,561 I'm telling you for the last time, sir, sit down. 992 00:48:58,603 --> 00:49:01,397 I won't sit down. I don't have to sit down. 993 00:49:01,439 --> 00:49:03,691 I have the right to stand, don't I? 994 00:49:03,733 --> 00:49:07,195 - -Wh-What, i-is standing and talking illegal now? 995 00:49:07,236 --> 00:49:09,405 - Or just standing? - Okay, you want to come, too? 996 00:49:09,447 --> 00:49:12,784 Right. How about leaning? Where do you land on leaning? 997 00:49:22,835 --> 00:49:25,421 Gandhi went to jail. 998 00:49:25,463 --> 00:49:29,217 Galileo died under house arrest. Emma Goldman was deported. 999 00:49:29,258 --> 00:49:32,053 I just tell jokes, man, that's all. 1000 00:49:33,262 --> 00:49:34,681 You misspoke, though. 1001 00:49:35,807 --> 00:49:37,600 I'm sorry? 1002 00:49:37,642 --> 00:49:39,394 You called the woman Miss September. 1003 00:49:39,435 --> 00:49:40,645 She was Miss December. 1004 00:49:40,687 --> 00:49:42,689 Oh, yeah? 1005 00:49:42,730 --> 00:49:44,315 Yeah. There was a wreath 1006 00:49:44,357 --> 00:49:46,734 in the lower left corner. 1007 00:49:49,696 --> 00:49:52,323 I think you still made your point, though. 1008 00:49:55,034 --> 00:49:57,787 The flowers were very nice, by the way. 1009 00:50:00,581 --> 00:50:02,542 - Are you in? -SOLDIER: Yeah, I'm in. - Me, too. 1010 00:50:02,583 --> 00:50:04,460 - I'm out. - Oh, such a girl. 1011 00:50:04,502 --> 00:50:05,670 Give me one. 1012 00:50:05,712 --> 00:50:07,338 So who else do you know? Annette Funicello? 1013 00:50:07,380 --> 00:50:08,548 - No. - Give me three. 1014 00:50:08,589 --> 00:50:09,757 - Barbara Stanwyck? - Nope. 1015 00:50:09,799 --> 00:50:10,967 Ava Gardner? 1016 00:50:11,008 --> 00:50:13,511 No, guys, no. I don't know people like that. 1017 00:50:13,553 --> 00:50:16,097 - But you're in show business. - We don't all hang out together. 1018 00:50:16,139 --> 00:50:17,682 Do you know Jayne Mansfield? 1019 00:50:17,724 --> 00:50:20,059 Actually, her I know. She's my cat's godmother. 1020 00:50:20,101 --> 00:50:21,310 Really? 1021 00:50:21,352 --> 00:50:23,730 No. Jesus. You guys are so gullible. 1022 00:50:23,771 --> 00:50:26,149 - I'm out. - Hey, Myerson. 1023 00:50:26,190 --> 00:50:28,151 Your girl's back and she's looking for you. 1024 00:50:28,192 --> 00:50:30,653 Shit. Okay, I got to go. 1025 00:50:30,695 --> 00:50:32,321 Hey, listen, I have three of a kind, 1026 00:50:32,363 --> 00:50:34,866 - so if you can beat that, the pot's yours. - 1027 00:50:34,907 --> 00:50:37,952 Ah, I got nothing! 1028 00:50:37,994 --> 00:50:39,203 Hey! 1029 00:51:00,183 --> 00:51:02,059 - Hey. - Where have you been? 1030 00:51:02,101 --> 00:51:04,729 I've been here so long, I almost had to go home and change again. 1031 00:51:04,771 --> 00:51:06,481 - It's a good outfit. - Thanks. 1032 00:51:06,522 --> 00:51:08,232 - Where's Shy? - I don't know. 1033 00:51:08,274 --> 00:51:10,318 I don't see him or any of the band here yet. 1034 00:51:10,359 --> 00:51:12,570 Well, maybe they tell time like you do. 1035 00:51:12,612 --> 00:51:14,906 Uh, Mitchell, where's everyone else? 1036 00:51:14,947 --> 00:51:15,990 Everyone who? 1037 00:51:16,032 --> 00:51:16,991 Shy. The band. 1038 00:51:17,033 --> 00:51:18,326 Oh, they're not coming. 1039 00:51:18,367 --> 00:51:19,577 What do you mean they're not coming? 1040 00:51:19,619 --> 00:51:20,661 This is a dance for the boys. 1041 00:51:20,703 --> 00:51:21,662 We didn't need a band. 1042 00:51:21,704 --> 00:51:23,581 - But you told me to be here. - I know. 1043 00:51:23,623 --> 00:51:25,333 We needed to make sure there were enough girls to go around. 1044 00:51:25,374 --> 00:51:26,751 You know, a room full of sure things. 1045 00:51:26,793 --> 00:51:27,919 What are you talking about? 1046 00:51:27,960 --> 00:51:29,003 Well, the base is far. 1047 00:51:29,045 --> 00:51:30,087 We have to ship girls in from Jersey. 1048 00:51:30,129 --> 00:51:31,422 Another busload should be arriving soon 1049 00:51:31,464 --> 00:51:32,924 if you're worried about the workload. 1050 00:51:32,965 --> 00:51:35,593 I'm sorry, what exactly do you expect me to do with these guys? 1051 00:51:35,635 --> 00:51:37,011 Dance. Just dance. 1052 00:51:37,053 --> 00:51:38,846 She's not a dancer. She's a goddamn comic. 1053 00:51:38,888 --> 00:51:41,098 Yes, but, unfortunately, she's also extremely attractive. 1054 00:51:41,140 --> 00:51:42,850 Well, that is very flattering. 1055 00:51:42,892 --> 00:51:44,435 And I did take ballet as a girl. 1056 00:51:44,477 --> 00:51:46,020 Hey. Do not let that sway you. 1057 00:51:46,062 --> 00:51:47,855 - Stay mad. - It's her patriotic duty. 1058 00:51:47,897 --> 00:51:49,190 Look around. 1059 00:51:49,232 --> 00:51:50,900 Ten percent of these boys are gonna wind up dead. 1060 00:51:50,942 --> 00:51:52,276 You're not even at war. 1061 00:51:52,318 --> 00:51:53,861 What, are they gonna have a car accident? 1062 00:51:53,903 --> 00:51:56,030 Trip on the tarmac and get run over by a plane? 1063 00:51:56,072 --> 00:51:57,281 Happened twice. 1064 00:51:57,323 --> 00:51:59,283 Ah, great. The bus. 1065 00:51:59,325 --> 00:52:01,118 Well, this isn't humiliating at all. 1066 00:52:01,160 --> 00:52:02,620 I say let's go. 1067 00:52:02,662 --> 00:52:03,913 No, it's a dance. 1068 00:52:03,955 --> 00:52:05,832 For the boys. I can dance. 1069 00:52:05,873 --> 00:52:08,751 Geez, what part of Jersey are these woofers from? 1070 00:52:08,793 --> 00:52:11,504 You are gonna be very popular tonight. 1071 00:52:11,546 --> 00:52:13,172 You think that punch is spiked? 1072 00:52:13,214 --> 00:52:15,174 It is now. 1073 00:52:15,216 --> 00:52:17,677 Hey, listen, uh... 1074 00:52:17,718 --> 00:52:19,512 before you completely debase yourself 1075 00:52:19,554 --> 00:52:21,097 - for your country... - Mm. 1076 00:52:21,138 --> 00:52:23,099 there's something I need to tell you. 1077 00:52:23,140 --> 00:52:25,852 Is it that I'm unfortunately extremely attractive? 1078 00:52:25,893 --> 00:52:27,645 It is not. 1079 00:52:29,480 --> 00:52:30,773 I have a chance, 1080 00:52:30,815 --> 00:52:32,316 an opportunity to do something. 1081 00:52:32,358 --> 00:52:33,317 It's pretty big. 1082 00:52:33,359 --> 00:52:34,694 Ooh. Exciting. What? 1083 00:52:34,735 --> 00:52:37,280 I'm gonna manage Sophie Lennon. 1084 00:52:37,321 --> 00:52:39,240 - Who? - Sophie Lennon. 1085 00:52:39,282 --> 00:52:41,200 - You're gonna... - Manage Sophie Lennon. 1086 00:52:41,242 --> 00:52:43,452 - This is a joke, right? - Hey, let's dance! 1087 00:52:48,165 --> 00:52:50,543 Christ. Move. 1088 00:52:57,049 --> 00:52:58,718 Tell me it's a fucking joke. 1089 00:52:58,759 --> 00:53:00,219 - Hey, where'd you go? - Jesus. No, it's not... 1090 00:53:07,310 --> 00:53:08,811 Because, clearly, it has got to be a joke. 1091 00:53:08,853 --> 00:53:10,313 - There is no way you could - Let's go! 1092 00:53:10,354 --> 00:53:12,732 seriously be telling me that you are... 1093 00:53:12,773 --> 00:53:15,526 Excuse me. Please stop. 1094 00:53:15,568 --> 00:53:17,069 Look. 1095 00:53:17,111 --> 00:53:18,821 Look, I-I know this is a shock, 1096 00:53:18,863 --> 00:53:20,156 and I get why you'd be mad. 1097 00:53:20,197 --> 00:53:21,324 Uh, mad? Oh, no, I'm not... 1098 00:53:21,365 --> 00:53:22,408 Stop. 1099 00:53:22,450 --> 00:53:23,576 I'm not mad. 1100 00:53:23,618 --> 00:53:25,328 I am too angry to be mad. 1101 00:53:25,369 --> 00:53:26,537 That doesn't make sense. 1102 00:53:26,579 --> 00:53:28,706 Sophie Lennon is my sworn enemy. 1103 00:53:28,748 --> 00:53:30,124 Hey, maybe don't say "sworn enemy" 1104 00:53:30,166 --> 00:53:31,792 - in a room full of soldiers. - Susie. 1105 00:53:31,834 --> 00:53:33,794 I didn't go looking for this, okay? 1106 00:53:33,836 --> 00:53:36,297 She summoned me to her house, and I only went because of you. 1107 00:53:36,339 --> 00:53:37,798 - Me? - Yes. 1108 00:53:37,840 --> 00:53:39,634 I wanted to try to smooth shit over 1109 00:53:39,675 --> 00:53:40,885 so she'd stop messing with you. 1110 00:53:40,927 --> 00:53:42,303 And the next thing I knew, she's talking to me 1111 00:53:42,345 --> 00:53:44,472 about how I defended you, how I fought for you, 1112 00:53:44,513 --> 00:53:45,932 and she wants me to do that for her. 1113 00:53:45,973 --> 00:53:48,267 That psychotic giraffe of a woman 1114 00:53:48,309 --> 00:53:51,270 has been trying to destroy me for a year. 1115 00:53:51,312 --> 00:53:52,521 I know. I was there. 1116 00:53:52,563 --> 00:53:54,440 She's a nightmare. A monster. A hack. 1117 00:53:54,482 --> 00:53:55,816 She hates me. 1118 00:53:55,858 --> 00:53:58,152 Hey, Sophie is a big star. 1119 00:53:58,194 --> 00:54:00,154 You understand? This is business. 1120 00:54:00,196 --> 00:54:02,990 You want me to turn down a giant opportunity? 1121 00:54:03,032 --> 00:54:05,159 - Yes. - Okay, then what was all that 1122 00:54:05,201 --> 00:54:06,994 Susie Myerson and Associates bullshit, huh? 1123 00:54:07,036 --> 00:54:08,204 That was your idea. 1124 00:54:08,245 --> 00:54:09,789 I mean, if you are my only client, 1125 00:54:09,830 --> 00:54:11,791 then what are all these other associates gonna be doing? 1126 00:54:11,832 --> 00:54:13,209 Helping you pick out your hats? 1127 00:54:13,250 --> 00:54:14,585 If I am gonna do this, 1128 00:54:14,627 --> 00:54:15,920 then I have to do this. 1129 00:54:15,962 --> 00:54:17,421 And what am I supposed to do? 1130 00:54:17,463 --> 00:54:19,840 Just forget the fact that she had me blackballed 1131 00:54:19,882 --> 00:54:21,550 from every club in town? 1132 00:54:21,592 --> 00:54:23,761 If I'm her manager, I'm sure that will stop. 1133 00:54:23,803 --> 00:54:26,263 Are you kidding me? 1134 00:54:26,305 --> 00:54:28,516 Look, my apartment is $40 a month, 1135 00:54:28,557 --> 00:54:30,601 and I have to sublet it to Jackie. 1136 00:54:30,643 --> 00:54:33,437 To Jackie... a man that will definitely sit bare-assed 1137 00:54:33,479 --> 00:54:35,022 on my one leather chair. 1138 00:54:35,064 --> 00:54:36,232 There's no choice there. 1139 00:54:36,273 --> 00:54:37,900 I can't afford not to. 1140 00:54:37,942 --> 00:54:39,902 When you make $4,000, I make $400. 1141 00:54:39,944 --> 00:54:41,612 And in case you're wondering, that's less. 1142 00:54:41,654 --> 00:54:43,489 - Fuck you. - This changes nothing. 1143 00:54:43,531 --> 00:54:47,159 - Conga! -I... - You are still everything to me, 1144 00:54:47,201 --> 00:54:49,078 but I can't go around calling myself a manager 1145 00:54:49,120 --> 00:54:50,913 if I'm not gonna act like a manager. 1146 00:54:50,955 --> 00:54:52,957 So you are definitely doing this? 1147 00:54:52,999 --> 00:54:54,667 I have to. 1148 00:54:56,043 --> 00:54:58,045 Oh! Oh... 1149 00:54:59,839 --> 00:55:02,049 Oh! Oh! 1150 00:55:03,092 --> 00:55:04,260 Oh! 1151 00:55:11,017 --> 00:55:13,019 Abe Weissman. 1152 00:55:35,750 --> 00:55:37,710 Wait. 1153 00:55:37,752 --> 00:55:39,211 What? 1154 00:55:48,179 --> 00:55:49,305 You bailed me out? 1155 00:55:49,346 --> 00:55:50,306 Yes. 1156 00:55:50,347 --> 00:55:51,307 Well, she... 1157 00:55:51,348 --> 00:55:52,725 I bailed you out. 1158 00:55:52,767 --> 00:55:55,186 Okay. 1159 00:56:00,775 --> 00:56:02,777 Thanks. 1160 00:56:04,528 --> 00:56:06,781 I thanked him for the flowers.