1 00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:08,499 ♪ ♪ 2 00:02:08,546 --> 00:02:10,506 Three hours 3 00:02:10,548 --> 00:02:12,298 - for a person to do her hair. - So what? 4 00:02:12,341 --> 00:02:13,741 We have got to work on this lateness thing. 5 00:02:13,759 --> 00:02:15,389 I was not that late. 6 00:02:15,427 --> 00:02:16,697 We were supposed to be here at 12:00. 7 00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:18,680 - It's 12:30. - Now you're getting it. 8 00:02:18,722 --> 00:02:20,722 - I'm not on first. - That's not the point. 9 00:02:20,766 --> 00:02:22,636 If they call my name and I'm there, 10 00:02:22,685 --> 00:02:24,905 - then I am not late. - Yeah, that's not how lateness works. 11 00:02:24,937 --> 00:02:27,307 - There's a clock involved. - Po-tay-to, po-tah-to. 12 00:02:27,356 --> 00:02:28,896 Hey, don't go all Gershwin on me. 13 00:02:28,941 --> 00:02:30,401 This is the big leagues, kid. 14 00:02:30,442 --> 00:02:31,822 Got to start acting like professionals. 15 00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:33,949 - So then where's your blazer? - What? 16 00:02:33,988 --> 00:02:35,778 Your fancy new blazer. 17 00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:37,533 You're scared to wear it. 18 00:02:37,575 --> 00:02:39,175 How could I be scared of a fucking blazer? 19 00:02:39,201 --> 00:02:40,831 Are you? 20 00:02:40,870 --> 00:02:43,960 - It's dry clean only. - This is the big leagues, kid. 21 00:02:43,998 --> 00:02:45,918 - 12:30 is fucking late. - Still tapping. 22 00:02:45,958 --> 00:02:47,788 Present and accounted for, 23 00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:49,795 - except Mrs. Maisel. - What's a Mrs. Maisel? 24 00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:51,507 A singer, I assume, sir. 25 00:02:51,547 --> 00:02:53,227 - Who are you? - SUSIE and MIDGE: Mrs. Maisel. 26 00:02:53,257 --> 00:02:54,837 - I just told him. - He was asking me. 27 00:02:54,884 --> 00:02:56,494 You're late. This is the Army, you're not supposed 28 00:02:56,510 --> 00:02:58,490 - to be late in the Army. - I'll remember not to enlist. 29 00:02:58,512 --> 00:02:59,872 -Hey, we are not late. -What? -What? 30 00:02:59,889 --> 00:03:02,349 We were told to be here at 12:30 and we're here at 12:30 31 00:03:02,391 --> 00:03:03,741 on the dot, Miriam Maisel is never late. 32 00:03:03,767 --> 00:03:06,187 - Aw, you lied for me. - Fuck you. 33 00:03:06,228 --> 00:03:07,828 - There she is. - Sergeant Mitchell Burns. 34 00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:10,185 Master of Ceremonies is Major Buck Brillstein. 35 00:03:10,232 --> 00:03:12,132 For the purposes of this show, you will call him Buck. 36 00:03:12,151 --> 00:03:13,781 - Very reasonable. - He'll say your name. 37 00:03:13,819 --> 00:03:15,629 Wave, smile and exit the other side of the stage. 38 00:03:15,654 --> 00:03:17,574 Can I smile, wave instead of wave, smile? 39 00:03:17,615 --> 00:03:19,005 - You cannot. - So serious, Mitchell. 40 00:03:19,033 --> 00:03:20,493 Where'd your little boy go? 41 00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:22,374 - You mean Tom? - I... No. 42 00:03:22,411 --> 00:03:24,201 - No, who's Tom? - My little boy. 43 00:03:24,246 --> 00:03:26,036 Abort, abort, abort. 44 00:03:26,081 --> 00:03:28,041 Right, so I exit the stage. 45 00:03:28,083 --> 00:03:29,543 Wait, I do? This isn't my set? 46 00:03:29,585 --> 00:03:31,335 No. Just your intro. When you do go on, 47 00:03:31,378 --> 00:03:32,878 you do 20 minutes, applause, bow, 48 00:03:32,922 --> 00:03:34,882 you introduce Shy Baldwin, you leave the stage, 49 00:03:34,924 --> 00:03:36,554 but stay close. At the end of the show, 50 00:03:36,592 --> 00:03:38,112 everyone comes on for a chorus of "White Christmas" 51 00:03:38,135 --> 00:03:39,925 and pictures with the troops. Yes? 52 00:03:39,970 --> 00:03:41,810 W-What if I don't know "White Christmas?" 53 00:03:41,847 --> 00:03:43,067 Who doesn't know "White Christmas?" 54 00:03:43,098 --> 00:03:45,428 Well, me. I'm Jewish. 55 00:03:45,476 --> 00:03:47,056 I mean, we don't... 56 00:03:47,102 --> 00:03:49,652 We celeb... Oh, "White Christmas." Yes. 57 00:03:49,688 --> 00:03:51,688 - Yes, I know "White Christmas." - Take her. 58 00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:53,942 Hum a few bars? 59 00:03:53,984 --> 00:03:55,574 Quite the grip you've got there. 60 00:03:55,611 --> 00:03:57,781 I'm not gonna make a run for it, I am here voluntarily. 61 00:03:57,821 --> 00:03:59,321 - Take her. - Bye. 62 00:03:59,365 --> 00:04:01,865 Oh, I see this grip comes standard issue. 63 00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:05,789 Miss America 1959, Mary Ann Mobley. 64 00:04:05,829 --> 00:04:07,289 You don't happen to know the words 65 00:04:07,331 --> 00:04:08,711 to "White Christmas," do you? 66 00:04:08,749 --> 00:04:10,829 Everyone's favorite housewife, 67 00:04:10,876 --> 00:04:12,166 Mrs. Maisel. 68 00:04:12,211 --> 00:04:15,011 - Go. - Hiya, boys! 69 00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:18,927 World hula hoop champion... 70 00:04:18,968 --> 00:04:20,508 - Come. - Oh, my... 71 00:04:20,552 --> 00:04:22,012 My third soldier today. 72 00:04:22,054 --> 00:04:24,894 This is how rumors get started. 73 00:04:24,932 --> 00:04:27,232 Is this what they mean by "flyboys"? 74 00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:28,767 - Hey. - Oy. 75 00:04:28,811 --> 00:04:30,601 Sorry. I'm trying to... 76 00:04:30,646 --> 00:04:32,306 What am I, your porter? Here. 77 00:04:32,356 --> 00:04:33,826 I'm trying to find out some info here, 78 00:04:33,857 --> 00:04:35,337 but unless you have boots and a buzz cut, 79 00:04:35,359 --> 00:04:37,149 - nobody will look at you. - Maisel. 80 00:04:37,194 --> 00:04:39,264 - Why didn't you answer? - I was waiting for you to answer. 81 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:40,909 You go on at 1:30. 82 00:04:40,948 --> 00:04:43,408 - You mean 1330. - 1:30 is fine. 83 00:04:43,450 --> 00:04:44,930 - I'm doing army time. - Good for you. 84 00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:46,722 Be ready at one in case we're ahead of schedule. 85 00:04:46,745 --> 00:04:48,825 Think you mean 1300 hours, right? 86 00:04:48,872 --> 00:04:51,462 - Where can I get ready? - Just tell me I'm right. 87 00:04:51,500 --> 00:04:52,880 Private Fielding, look alive. 88 00:04:52,918 --> 00:04:54,668 Hey, I spent a week learning this shit. 89 00:04:54,712 --> 00:04:56,552 - Take her to the green room. - It's the Army. 90 00:04:56,588 --> 00:04:58,338 Isn't every room a green room? 91 00:04:58,382 --> 00:05:00,052 - You've got to give up. - Never. 92 00:05:03,846 --> 00:05:05,846 Ooh. 93 00:05:24,700 --> 00:05:26,080 How the fuck do I have these again? 94 00:05:26,118 --> 00:05:27,828 I need to change. 95 00:05:27,870 --> 00:05:29,540 Oh, wait, sorry. 96 00:05:29,580 --> 00:05:30,910 - This is ours. - But they told me 97 00:05:30,956 --> 00:05:32,366 to grab any open space. 98 00:05:32,416 --> 00:05:33,886 Oh, no, you have to sign up. Did you sign up? 99 00:05:33,917 --> 00:05:35,917 No one told me to sign up. 100 00:05:35,961 --> 00:05:37,211 Oh, you're so pretty. 101 00:05:37,254 --> 00:05:38,764 Thank you. 102 00:05:38,797 --> 00:05:40,757 And... managed. 103 00:05:40,799 --> 00:05:42,969 - You just standing there? - Sorry. 104 00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:45,100 So, rule number one for this performance? 105 00:05:45,137 --> 00:05:46,387 Don't say "fuck." 106 00:05:46,430 --> 00:05:47,660 Rule number two for this performance? 107 00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:49,061 Do not say "fuck." 108 00:05:49,099 --> 00:05:50,889 - Dress. - And no dick jokes. 109 00:05:50,934 --> 00:05:52,774 Army guys are sensitive about dick jokes. 110 00:05:52,811 --> 00:05:54,041 That's why they're in the Army. 111 00:05:54,063 --> 00:05:55,863 How about big dick jokes? Catch. 112 00:05:55,898 --> 00:05:58,608 What do you mean, big dick jokes? 113 00:05:58,650 --> 00:06:00,900 You know, what do leprechauns and guys with big dicks 114 00:06:00,944 --> 00:06:03,414 have in common? They're hard to find and incredibly lucky. 115 00:06:03,447 --> 00:06:06,867 Or, his dick was so big, the mohel had to bring a machete. 116 00:06:06,909 --> 00:06:09,239 Or, his dick was bigger than Disneyland, 117 00:06:09,286 --> 00:06:10,616 better rides, too. 118 00:06:10,662 --> 00:06:12,252 Or, his dick was so big, 119 00:06:12,289 --> 00:06:14,369 it wasn't a dick at all. It was a Richard. 120 00:06:14,416 --> 00:06:18,336 Oh, oh! His dick was so big, even when he cheated on me, 121 00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:19,958 his dick was the bigger dick. 122 00:06:21,465 --> 00:06:23,295 - So no dick jokes. - Yeah, keep it clean. 123 00:06:23,342 --> 00:06:24,532 You all good? I'm gonna to make a call. 124 00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:26,351 I'm good, go. 125 00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:29,386 ♪ Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition ♪ 126 00:06:29,431 --> 00:06:31,021 ♪ Praise the Lord ♪ 127 00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:32,768 ♪ And pass the ammunition ♪ 128 00:06:32,810 --> 00:06:35,770 ♪ Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition ♪ 129 00:06:35,813 --> 00:06:38,653 ♪ And we'll all stay free ♪ 130 00:06:38,690 --> 00:06:41,780 ♪ Praise the Lord and swing into position ♪ 131 00:06:41,819 --> 00:06:43,199 ♪ Can't... ♪ 132 00:06:44,863 --> 00:06:46,823 Fred, phone. You got to order something. 133 00:06:46,865 --> 00:06:48,075 We got Sanka. 134 00:06:48,117 --> 00:06:49,907 - He got Sanka. - Susie? 135 00:06:49,952 --> 00:06:51,542 - You got 'em? - Yes, we got 'em 136 00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:53,178 but we still don't understand the point here. 137 00:06:53,205 --> 00:06:55,075 The point, Fred, is I got to negotiate 138 00:06:55,124 --> 00:06:56,544 this touring contract for Midge. 139 00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:57,983 And other than saying I'd like for her to go, 140 00:06:58,001 --> 00:06:59,801 I don't know what the hell to ask for. 141 00:06:59,837 --> 00:07:01,397 And I don't want them to think they're dealing with a nobody. 142 00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:02,921 So, just give me some comps. 143 00:07:02,965 --> 00:07:04,755 Tell me what other comics at her level 144 00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:06,530 made when they opened for someone like Shy Baldwin. 145 00:07:06,552 --> 00:07:08,322 Okay, but this is a big favor we're doing for you here. 146 00:07:08,345 --> 00:07:10,465 I had to sneak these contracts out in my bowling bag. 147 00:07:10,514 --> 00:07:12,104 Now I don't have my bowling ball. 148 00:07:12,141 --> 00:07:13,951 Don't worry. Someday, I'm gonna be in a position 149 00:07:13,976 --> 00:07:15,186 to help you with something. 150 00:07:15,227 --> 00:07:16,557 I will. 151 00:07:16,603 --> 00:07:17,983 You don't think I will? 152 00:07:18,021 --> 00:07:19,821 I don't know. You're so volatile. 153 00:07:19,857 --> 00:07:21,187 Just read me some numbers 154 00:07:21,233 --> 00:07:23,153 before I use your nutsack as a speed bag. 155 00:07:23,193 --> 00:07:25,953 Okay, Georgie Jessel made $10,000 a week 156 00:07:25,988 --> 00:07:27,658 the last time he played the Blue Angel. 157 00:07:27,698 --> 00:07:29,578 Too big. I need opening act numbers. 158 00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:31,616 Phil Silvers made 12 Gs a week. 159 00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:34,450 - As an opening act? - No, for The Phil Silvers Show. 160 00:07:34,496 --> 00:07:36,496 Uh-huh. Hey, do you remember the speed bag thing? 161 00:07:36,540 --> 00:07:38,520 George Burns made $10 a week before he met Gracie Allen. 162 00:07:38,542 --> 00:07:41,382 George Burns made $10 a week in 1921. 163 00:07:41,420 --> 00:07:43,090 - What would that be today? - $10. 164 00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:45,760 - No, I mean in today's dollars. - $10. 165 00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:48,089 Oh, Fred, my sweet, sweet Fred. 166 00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:50,095 Hey, here's something, Murray Bringle made $300 167 00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:51,507 opening for Lenny Fring. 168 00:07:51,555 --> 00:07:54,595 Murray Bringle made $300 to open for Lenny Fring. 169 00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:56,441 - Who's Murray Bringle? - I don't know. 170 00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:57,866 - Who's Lenny Fring? - I don't know. 171 00:07:57,895 --> 00:07:59,515 Tell her if she wants to be 172 00:07:59,563 --> 00:08:01,233 taken seriously, she needs a weird ask. 173 00:08:01,273 --> 00:08:03,443 Yes. You need a weird ask. 174 00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:04,993 What do you mean I need a weird ass? 175 00:08:05,027 --> 00:08:07,487 A weird ask. Something in your contract 176 00:08:07,529 --> 00:08:09,199 that's specifically weird only to you. 177 00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:11,069 Like, uh, all the pillows in your room 178 00:08:11,116 --> 00:08:12,906 have to have a cat design on them. 179 00:08:12,951 --> 00:08:14,541 - I'm not gonna do that. - You have to. 180 00:08:14,578 --> 00:08:16,218 They'll never take you seriously if you don't. 181 00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:18,416 Well, how weird does it have to be? 182 00:08:18,457 --> 00:08:20,707 Gleason needs two bottles of Old Forester Bourbon, 183 00:08:20,751 --> 00:08:22,461 a well-done steak, and a Polaroid 184 00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:24,502 of what the steak looked like before it was cooked. 185 00:08:24,546 --> 00:08:26,416 George Burns has fresh flowers, Cuban cigars, 186 00:08:26,465 --> 00:08:28,505 six pairs of socks, and a bowl of butter pats. 187 00:08:28,550 --> 00:08:29,970 Lenny Fring had to have cheesecloth, 188 00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:32,010 a length of rope, and a copy of Gray's Anatomy. 189 00:08:32,054 --> 00:08:34,604 Wow. Now I really want to know this Lenny Fring. 190 00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:37,230 Hey, would you mind blowing my brains out? 191 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,270 ♪ Boom, shoo, dup, ba, dum ♪ 192 00:08:42,314 --> 00:08:44,024 ♪ Boom, shoo, dup, ba, dum ♪ 193 00:08:44,066 --> 00:08:46,776 ♪ Boom, shoo, dup, ba, dum ♪ 194 00:08:46,818 --> 00:08:50,528 ♪ We got a little cozy at the corner shop ♪ 195 00:08:50,572 --> 00:08:53,992 ♪ We finished every drop, but then the boy says ♪ 196 00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:56,084 ♪ "One more," gives me a look ♪ 197 00:08:56,119 --> 00:08:59,369 ♪ That makes my stomach drop, somebody call the cops ♪ 198 00:08:59,414 --> 00:09:03,004 ♪ 'Cause I can see I'm done for, oh ♪ 199 00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:06,423 ♪ Shake it up and watch it bubble, he's gonna go ♪ 200 00:09:06,463 --> 00:09:08,843 ♪ And get us both in trouble ♪ 201 00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:11,592 ♪ My baby's sweet from bottom to the top... ♪ 202 00:09:11,635 --> 00:09:13,755 Quick, I need a pencil. 203 00:09:13,804 --> 00:09:17,474 Oh, uh... What did they say? 204 00:09:17,516 --> 00:09:19,016 Don't talk. I'll forget. 205 00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:21,059 Okay, what did those idiots say? 206 00:09:21,103 --> 00:09:24,443 Uh, Gleason minus George 207 00:09:24,481 --> 00:09:26,071 minus Gracie, 208 00:09:26,108 --> 00:09:29,278 add back a Sahl and divide by Bringle. 209 00:09:29,319 --> 00:09:31,029 - Who's Bringle? - He opened for Fring. 210 00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:32,451 - Who's Fring? - Doesn't matter. 211 00:09:32,489 --> 00:09:34,279 Okay, if my calculations are right, 212 00:09:34,324 --> 00:09:36,584 seems like a guy opening for a Shy Baldwin 213 00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:39,370 would make about $5,500 for six months. 214 00:09:39,413 --> 00:09:42,373 Wow. So we ask for $5,500. 215 00:09:42,416 --> 00:09:45,376 - No. We ask for $4,500. - Bringle got $5,500. 216 00:09:45,419 --> 00:09:46,799 - Well, Bringle's got a... - Dick. 217 00:09:46,837 --> 00:09:49,667 - Yeah. - But that's $4,050 for you, and $450 for me. 218 00:09:49,715 --> 00:09:51,125 - Really? That's a lot. - I know. 219 00:09:51,174 --> 00:09:52,804 It would take me more than a year 220 00:09:52,843 --> 00:09:54,303 to make that much at B. Altman. 221 00:09:54,344 --> 00:09:56,264 I know. 450 bucks, 222 00:09:56,305 --> 00:09:58,175 plus I'll be subletting my apartment to Jackie. 223 00:09:58,223 --> 00:10:00,733 This means I'm gonna be making the most money I made since... 224 00:10:00,767 --> 00:10:02,767 ever. Since ever. 225 00:10:02,811 --> 00:10:04,731 - So we sign. - Yes. 226 00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:06,501 Oh, and we have to come up with something weird. 227 00:10:06,523 --> 00:10:08,173 Like, you need baby goats in your dressing room, 228 00:10:08,191 --> 00:10:10,441 or all your hand towels have to be from Windsor Castle. 229 00:10:10,485 --> 00:10:12,445 Oh, can we get that? I would love that. 230 00:10:14,364 --> 00:10:16,164 - You're still pretty. - Mrs. Maisel. 231 00:10:16,199 --> 00:10:18,909 - Sir, yes, sir. - You're up. 232 00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:21,752 1330 on the dot. 233 00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:23,958 ♪ My baby's sweet from bottom to the top ♪ 234 00:10:23,999 --> 00:10:26,919 - ♪ So I don't want to stop ♪ - ♪ Don't want to stop ♪ 235 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:29,460 ♪ Like a bottle of pop... ♪ 236 00:10:31,882 --> 00:10:33,682 ♪ Ooh ♪ 237 00:10:33,717 --> 00:10:36,507 ♪ He's my bottle of pop. ♪ 238 00:10:46,313 --> 00:10:49,073 Once again, the Silver Belles! 239 00:10:49,107 --> 00:10:53,147 Now I hope that you're ready to laugh because next up 240 00:10:53,195 --> 00:10:55,565 is a very funny lady. 241 00:10:55,614 --> 00:10:58,244 She's gonna be opening up for Shy Baldwin on his upcoming tour 242 00:10:58,283 --> 00:11:02,793 that kicks off next month, and you get a preview right now. 243 00:11:02,829 --> 00:11:05,999 Emphasis on the view, it is a good one. 244 00:11:08,585 --> 00:11:13,125 So give a nice Army welcome for Mrs. Maisel! 245 00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:16,183 - Tits up. - Tits up. 246 00:11:19,888 --> 00:11:21,518 Hi! 247 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:26,730 Hi! Hi! 248 00:11:26,770 --> 00:11:29,360 Hello! 249 00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:30,856 Wow, wow, wow! 250 00:11:30,899 --> 00:11:34,239 My goodness, that is a lot of khaki. 251 00:11:34,319 --> 00:11:36,449 And I just realized 252 00:11:36,488 --> 00:11:39,198 it is actually a very flattering color for most skin tones. 253 00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:40,699 I know you're relieved. 254 00:11:40,742 --> 00:11:42,372 I just want you to know 255 00:11:42,452 --> 00:11:44,542 how much I admire you guys. 256 00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:46,871 I could never be brave enough 257 00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:48,873 to wear the same outfit every day. 258 00:11:51,086 --> 00:11:53,206 My brother toyed with joining the Army. 259 00:11:53,255 --> 00:11:55,665 He loved the idea of serving his country, 260 00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:58,045 but then he snapped a rubber band in his eye 261 00:11:58,093 --> 00:12:00,183 and that was the end of that. 262 00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:04,060 You guys have a lot of rules here, which I totally get. 263 00:12:04,099 --> 00:12:05,519 You need rules. 264 00:12:05,559 --> 00:12:08,599 Women learn rules from women's magazines. 265 00:12:08,645 --> 00:12:10,265 I can't make a move without consulting 266 00:12:10,313 --> 00:12:11,943 Family Circle or Harper's Bazaar. 267 00:12:11,982 --> 00:12:16,862 Otherwise, I'd have no idea what shade of red drives a man crazy. 268 00:12:16,903 --> 00:12:18,453 Little hint: it's the one 269 00:12:18,488 --> 00:12:20,488 with the least amount of fabric involved. 270 00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:35,553 You guys don't have magazines like that, do you? 271 00:12:37,007 --> 00:12:39,967 You could really use an Army Men's Monthly 272 00:12:40,010 --> 00:12:44,010 or Gunboat Daily. You know, you could read helpful articles 273 00:12:44,055 --> 00:12:46,805 like, uh, "Fashion for Foxholes," 274 00:12:46,892 --> 00:12:49,482 "Give Your Pistol Some Pizzazz," 275 00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:52,229 "How to Get Your Commanding Officer to Notice You." 276 00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:53,822 Oh, oh, oh, here's one, 277 00:12:53,899 --> 00:12:57,279 "Camouflage: How to Stand Out While Blending In." 278 00:12:58,528 --> 00:13:00,818 And for you generals in the audience, 279 00:13:00,906 --> 00:13:02,776 "How to Take Care of Your Privates." 280 00:13:07,954 --> 00:13:09,714 Oh! Here's the best, 281 00:13:09,748 --> 00:13:11,878 - "Killing Men and Loving It." - Funny little lady. 282 00:13:11,917 --> 00:13:13,627 She is. 283 00:13:13,668 --> 00:13:15,648 You know, a lot of top-notch entertainers come through here. 284 00:13:15,670 --> 00:13:17,590 - Uh-huh. - Bob Hope played here. 285 00:13:17,631 --> 00:13:20,131 Right on that stage. Milton Berle, been here twice. 286 00:13:20,175 --> 00:13:22,635 You know how much you'd have to pay to see Bob Hope 287 00:13:22,677 --> 00:13:24,597 - at the Copacabana? - A lot. 288 00:13:24,638 --> 00:13:26,638 And then some. 289 00:13:26,681 --> 00:13:28,771 Yeah, the army life is a good life. 290 00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:32,308 Job security, three squares a day, excitement, travel. 291 00:13:32,354 --> 00:13:34,314 - You like to travel? - Uh, sure. 292 00:13:34,356 --> 00:13:35,936 It's a great organization. 293 00:13:35,982 --> 00:13:38,152 Waking up every day, proud to be an American. 294 00:13:38,193 --> 00:13:39,783 Proud to serve your country, you know? 295 00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:41,319 Do I? 296 00:13:41,363 --> 00:13:44,163 Well, have you ever thought about joining up? 297 00:13:44,199 --> 00:13:46,239 Me? Oh, uh, no. 298 00:13:46,284 --> 00:13:50,214 - Strong young man like yourself. - I'm not that young. 299 00:13:50,247 --> 00:13:52,617 - Can you play the bugle? - I do not play the bugle. 300 00:13:52,666 --> 00:13:55,126 Oh. We need a bugler. I just thought I'd ask. 301 00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:56,878 - Ah, sorry. - You got the cheeks for it. 302 00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:58,920 - Okay. - Well, doesn't matter. 303 00:13:58,964 --> 00:14:00,884 There's a place for everyone in the Army. 304 00:14:00,924 --> 00:14:04,514 Plus, you get benefits up the ass. 305 00:14:04,553 --> 00:14:06,813 Well, I don't need anything up my ass at the moment, 306 00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:09,266 - but thank you. - Think about it. 307 00:14:09,307 --> 00:14:10,927 I will. 308 00:14:10,976 --> 00:14:13,476 It'll never leave my mind again. Trust me. 309 00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:15,520 I feel nothing. 310 00:14:17,566 --> 00:14:20,736 You guys have your own language here. 311 00:14:20,777 --> 00:14:22,397 It's so fun. A soldier said 312 00:14:22,445 --> 00:14:24,275 he was gonna go sit on the honey bucket, 313 00:14:24,322 --> 00:14:27,242 and I was like, "I've been called a lot of things, pal..." 314 00:14:27,284 --> 00:14:29,044 I almost smacked him. 315 00:14:29,077 --> 00:14:32,037 So I got to keep out of trouble here. 316 00:14:33,915 --> 00:14:36,125 Maybe you fellas could run some jargon by me? 317 00:14:36,167 --> 00:14:37,707 Make sure I understand it. 318 00:14:37,752 --> 00:14:39,152 What are some of your other phrases? 319 00:14:39,170 --> 00:14:40,800 Direct support. 320 00:14:40,839 --> 00:14:42,169 Too easy. That's what I'm wearing 321 00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:43,675 under my dress right now. 322 00:14:47,304 --> 00:14:49,014 Zone of action. 323 00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:52,635 Everything not covered by the direct support I'm wearing. 324 00:14:52,684 --> 00:14:54,194 Rear guard. 325 00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:56,477 - Diaper cream. - Attack position. 326 00:14:56,521 --> 00:14:57,611 Friendly fire. 327 00:14:57,647 --> 00:15:00,397 A cute redhead. 328 00:15:00,442 --> 00:15:02,822 - Frontal fire. - Shock action. 329 00:15:02,861 --> 00:15:05,661 Frontal fire and shock action? 330 00:15:05,697 --> 00:15:07,817 Isn't frontal fire what you contract 331 00:15:07,866 --> 00:15:10,236 when you have shock action with the wrong girl overseas? 332 00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:17,134 - Huh? - Withdrawal. 333 00:15:17,167 --> 00:15:19,167 Congratulations, you're a daddy. 334 00:15:22,714 --> 00:15:24,844 Oh, boy. 335 00:15:26,051 --> 00:15:29,051 Well, you sure know how to make a girl feel welcome. 336 00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:30,805 That's all for me today. 337 00:15:30,847 --> 00:15:33,307 I'm Mrs. Maisel. You boys stay safe out there, 338 00:15:33,350 --> 00:15:34,980 'cause you're just too cute to lose. 339 00:15:35,018 --> 00:15:37,598 Thank you and good night. 340 00:15:42,525 --> 00:15:44,395 Thank you. 341 00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:46,614 Thank you. Thank you. 342 00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:53,832 What? 343 00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:56,581 Oh, shit, sorry. 344 00:15:59,042 --> 00:16:01,672 Hi. Remember me? I'm back. Uh, I completely forgot 345 00:16:01,711 --> 00:16:04,461 to introduce Shy Baldwin. 346 00:16:07,217 --> 00:16:09,007 Thank you. I mean, he thanks you. 347 00:16:09,052 --> 00:16:11,102 Uh, he's so great. A terrific singer 348 00:16:11,137 --> 00:16:13,597 and such a nice guy, and he gave me my break. 349 00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:15,680 So... here he is. 350 00:16:21,815 --> 00:16:23,815 We're gonna work on that. 351 00:16:29,739 --> 00:16:32,329 - So, what have we learned? - What? 352 00:16:32,367 --> 00:16:35,247 Even when you do have a stroke, you do it adorably. 353 00:16:35,286 --> 00:16:37,286 ♪ ♪ 354 00:16:39,165 --> 00:16:41,705 ♪ The stars shine ♪ 355 00:16:41,751 --> 00:16:43,631 ♪ Your eyes catch mine ♪ 356 00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:46,550 ♪ And your light is all I can see ♪ 357 00:16:46,589 --> 00:16:49,549 ♪ Could there be one less angel ♪ 358 00:16:49,592 --> 00:16:51,552 ♪ In heaven ♪ 359 00:16:51,594 --> 00:16:53,474 ♪ Counting one less angel ♪ 360 00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:55,313 ♪ In heaven ♪ 361 00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:57,268 ♪ Must be one less angel ♪ 362 00:16:57,308 --> 00:16:59,268 ♪ In heaven ♪ 363 00:16:59,310 --> 00:17:02,770 ♪ 'Cause you're here smiling at me ♪ 364 00:17:05,608 --> 00:17:07,648 ♪ The strings play ♪ 365 00:17:07,694 --> 00:17:09,244 ♪ You move my way ♪ 366 00:17:09,279 --> 00:17:12,199 ♪ I'm soaring, now I guarantee ♪ 367 00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:14,780 ♪ There must be one less angel ♪ 368 00:17:14,826 --> 00:17:17,536 ♪ In heaven ♪ 369 00:17:17,579 --> 00:17:20,999 ♪ Don't tell one less angel in heaven ♪ 370 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:23,000 ♪ Must be one less angel ♪ 371 00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:25,842 ♪ In heaven ♪ 372 00:17:25,879 --> 00:17:29,469 ♪ 'Cause look who's dancing with me ♪ 373 00:17:29,507 --> 00:17:33,217 ♪ Oh, now I'm scared ♪ 374 00:17:33,261 --> 00:17:35,511 ♪ I'm scared to close my eyes ♪ 375 00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:38,765 ♪ And open them to find you've flown away ♪ 376 00:17:38,808 --> 00:17:40,848 ♪ I know that I should keep ♪ 377 00:17:40,894 --> 00:17:43,614 ♪ My feelings in disguise ♪ 378 00:17:43,646 --> 00:17:45,606 ♪ But, darling, there is something ♪ 379 00:17:45,648 --> 00:17:47,778 ♪ That I've got to say ♪ 380 00:17:47,817 --> 00:17:49,937 ♪ My baby, my angel ♪ 381 00:17:49,986 --> 00:17:51,946 ♪ Now please won't you stay ♪ 382 00:17:51,988 --> 00:17:53,698 ♪ My heart stops ♪ 383 00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:55,830 ♪ The music drops ♪ 384 00:17:55,867 --> 00:17:58,197 ♪ The world falls away suddenly ♪ 385 00:17:58,244 --> 00:17:59,914 - ♪ Oh ♪ - ♪ There must be ♪ 386 00:17:59,954 --> 00:18:03,504 ♪ One angel less in heaven ♪ 387 00:18:03,541 --> 00:18:07,251 ♪ There was one less angel in heaven ♪ 388 00:18:07,295 --> 00:18:09,125 ♪ My baby said yes ♪ 389 00:18:09,172 --> 00:18:11,632 ♪ I'm in heaven ♪ 390 00:18:11,674 --> 00:18:13,684 ♪ My angel loves me ♪ 391 00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:15,758 ♪ She said she loves me ♪ 392 00:18:15,804 --> 00:18:18,314 ♪ Oh, that's heaven to me ♪ 393 00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:19,558 ♪ That's ♪ 394 00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:22,809 ♪ Heaven to me ♪ 395 00:18:22,852 --> 00:18:25,522 ♪ That's heaven to me. ♪ 396 00:18:31,319 --> 00:18:33,779 And we bought it from the sweetest old lady. 397 00:18:33,822 --> 00:18:35,702 The house is wonderful, Mrs. Maisel. 398 00:18:35,740 --> 00:18:37,080 It's my dream home. 399 00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:38,946 My absolute dream home. 400 00:18:38,993 --> 00:18:42,213 Moishe promised that one day we'd have a home just like this. 401 00:18:42,247 --> 00:18:43,247 In Queens. 402 00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:44,749 It's got a great tree. 403 00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:47,211 A man is not a man until he's got a tree. 404 00:18:47,252 --> 00:18:50,002 Wait. Moishe. Where's the kitchen? 405 00:18:50,046 --> 00:18:51,586 There's no kitchen on these plans. 406 00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:53,341 What did that bitch do with our kitchen? 407 00:18:53,383 --> 00:18:55,133 You're looking on the second floor, Shirl. 408 00:18:55,176 --> 00:18:56,586 - Look on the first floor. - Oh. 409 00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:58,466 Hey. You still looking for a club, right? 410 00:18:58,513 --> 00:19:00,893 - Looking, not finding. - I heard about a place. 411 00:19:00,932 --> 00:19:03,142 I want no part of your dastardly schemes. 412 00:19:03,184 --> 00:19:06,194 It's my button guy, he's been using this space for storage 413 00:19:06,229 --> 00:19:08,149 for 20 years and he just gave it up. 414 00:19:08,189 --> 00:19:10,399 He's a bigger deal now... Got into zippers. 415 00:19:10,441 --> 00:19:11,691 Said it was a club once. 416 00:19:11,734 --> 00:19:13,404 Uh, still has a stage and a bar, 417 00:19:13,444 --> 00:19:14,764 - there's even furniture. - Really? 418 00:19:14,779 --> 00:19:17,069 Great downtown location, surrounded by subways. 419 00:19:17,115 --> 00:19:19,405 And it's not a dump? All I've seen are dumps. 420 00:19:19,450 --> 00:19:20,660 Teardowns. 421 00:19:20,702 --> 00:19:22,292 I'm fixing this place up myself, 422 00:19:22,328 --> 00:19:24,118 got to keep power tools to a minimum. 423 00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:25,433 I'll get you the address. Go see for yourself. 424 00:19:25,456 --> 00:19:28,076 Daddy, another lady left her lipstick. 425 00:19:28,126 --> 00:19:30,206 - Thanks, kiddo. - Go check it out. 426 00:19:30,253 --> 00:19:33,213 - Say it again. - We're gonna live in Queens! 427 00:19:33,256 --> 00:19:36,716 Yes! Yes. Yes. 428 00:19:43,433 --> 00:19:47,403 ♪ Ah ♪ 429 00:19:56,529 --> 00:19:59,199 ♪ Our homeward step ♪ 430 00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:01,740 ♪ Was just as light ♪ 431 00:20:01,784 --> 00:20:04,294 ♪ As the tap dancing feet ♪ 432 00:20:04,329 --> 00:20:06,119 ♪ Of Astaire ♪ 433 00:20:06,164 --> 00:20:09,254 ♪ And like an echo ♪ 434 00:20:09,292 --> 00:20:11,752 ♪ Far away ♪ 435 00:20:11,794 --> 00:20:14,424 ♪ A nightingale sang ♪ 436 00:20:14,464 --> 00:20:17,634 ♪ In Berkeley Square ♪ 437 00:20:19,636 --> 00:20:21,176 ♪ I know ♪ 438 00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:25,100 ♪ 'Cause I was there ♪ 439 00:20:25,141 --> 00:20:29,521 ♪ That night in Berkeley ♪ 440 00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:31,862 ♪ Square ♪ 441 00:20:34,108 --> 00:20:36,108 Really? 442 00:20:38,446 --> 00:20:39,906 Thank you very much. 443 00:20:50,124 --> 00:20:54,054 That's the great Shy Baldwin! 444 00:20:54,087 --> 00:20:57,257 I am so sorry about the introduction, Shy. 445 00:20:57,298 --> 00:20:59,338 I promise I will never do that again. 446 00:20:59,384 --> 00:21:00,994 Susie Myerson of Susie Myerson and Associates. 447 00:21:01,010 --> 00:21:02,360 I promise she will never do that again. 448 00:21:02,387 --> 00:21:03,717 Susie is my manager. 449 00:21:03,763 --> 00:21:05,473 - Oh, nice to meet you. - Yeah, you too. 450 00:21:05,515 --> 00:21:07,805 Hey, question: were you ever fat? 451 00:21:07,850 --> 00:21:10,190 - No. - You sound fat on your albums. 452 00:21:10,228 --> 00:21:11,908 Shy, I don't what happened to the mic stand. 453 00:21:11,938 --> 00:21:13,688 It's the Army. 454 00:21:13,731 --> 00:21:16,031 If you can't kill someone with it, they-they don't care. 455 00:21:16,067 --> 00:21:19,197 - Lou, I want you to meet Midge Maisel and Susie Myerson. - Ah... 456 00:21:19,237 --> 00:21:21,357 - This is my manager, Lou Rabinowitz. - Hello. 457 00:21:21,406 --> 00:21:24,866 Myerson. You're the one I've been talking to six times a day. 458 00:21:24,909 --> 00:21:26,039 - And you're Lou? - Yes. 459 00:21:26,077 --> 00:21:27,747 Hmm. You don't sound bald. 460 00:21:27,787 --> 00:21:30,537 Thank you. So, it's nice to have you with us. 461 00:21:30,581 --> 00:21:32,581 Everything good? You need anything? 462 00:21:32,625 --> 00:21:35,285 Here. Once the tour starts, 463 00:21:35,336 --> 00:21:36,896 you'll have your regular weekly per diem. 464 00:21:36,921 --> 00:21:38,971 But for now, let Uncle Lou. 465 00:21:39,007 --> 00:21:41,427 That's for cab fare, train fare, candy bars, 466 00:21:41,467 --> 00:21:43,637 hair pins, feminine products, whatever you need. 467 00:21:43,678 --> 00:21:44,818 - Well, thank you, Lou. - You're welcome. 468 00:21:44,846 --> 00:21:46,506 I need that contract. 469 00:21:46,556 --> 00:21:49,176 Uh, we will be countering soon. And more than once. 470 00:21:49,225 --> 00:21:50,765 But not too much more, but more. 471 00:21:50,810 --> 00:21:53,350 And we got some really weird asks, so be ready. 472 00:21:55,398 --> 00:21:57,978 We are both total idiots today. 473 00:21:58,026 --> 00:22:00,126 All right, now I think it's time you boys sing for your supper. 474 00:22:00,153 --> 00:22:02,243 - What do you say? - Yeah! 475 00:22:03,281 --> 00:22:04,571 Shall I leave you two alone? 476 00:22:04,615 --> 00:22:07,075 I just love money. You know? 477 00:22:07,118 --> 00:22:10,118 Smells great. Feels great. It looks great. 478 00:22:10,163 --> 00:22:12,753 Just be careful. It can break your heart. 479 00:22:12,790 --> 00:22:14,770 Hey, where's that pay phone? I need to make a call. 480 00:22:14,792 --> 00:22:17,802 Spreading peace, not war. 481 00:22:17,837 --> 00:22:19,377 I need a volunteer. 482 00:22:27,722 --> 00:22:28,682 Hold on. 483 00:22:28,723 --> 00:22:32,483 Ethan. Not the floor. 484 00:22:32,518 --> 00:22:34,148 - Hello? - Bad time? 485 00:22:34,187 --> 00:22:36,227 No, it's not a bad time. 486 00:22:36,272 --> 00:22:37,942 Ethan, not the furniture! 487 00:22:37,982 --> 00:22:39,112 Do I want to know? 488 00:22:39,150 --> 00:22:41,110 He discovered the Maisel and Roth stamp. 489 00:22:41,152 --> 00:22:42,572 - Oh, boy. - Yes. Well, 490 00:22:42,612 --> 00:22:44,702 maybe he'll be postmaster general someday. 491 00:22:44,739 --> 00:22:45,989 One can hope. 492 00:22:48,326 --> 00:22:49,906 So, how are you? 493 00:22:49,952 --> 00:22:51,542 Uh, a little crazy. 494 00:22:52,914 --> 00:22:54,754 - Where are you? - What? Why? 495 00:22:54,791 --> 00:22:56,751 - Is it a secret? - No, it is not. 496 00:22:56,793 --> 00:22:58,003 I just hear voices. 497 00:22:58,044 --> 00:23:00,384 I'm doing a USO show today. 498 00:23:00,421 --> 00:23:02,591 Here in the city. Warm-up gig before the tour. 499 00:23:02,632 --> 00:23:03,972 - You go on yet? - I did. 500 00:23:04,008 --> 00:23:05,008 You knock 'em dead? 501 00:23:05,051 --> 00:23:06,591 I did. Literally. 502 00:23:06,636 --> 00:23:08,476 Bumped into a missile and blew up the barracks. 503 00:23:10,973 --> 00:23:12,773 - So... - Ethan, 504 00:23:12,809 --> 00:23:14,889 not your sister! 505 00:23:14,936 --> 00:23:16,396 Go ahead. 506 00:23:16,437 --> 00:23:19,017 I'm sorry I snuck out the other night. 507 00:23:19,065 --> 00:23:21,185 - That's okay. - I just had to get up early, 508 00:23:21,234 --> 00:23:23,034 and you were sleeping so soundly. 509 00:23:23,069 --> 00:23:24,279 No explanation needed. 510 00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:26,740 Okay. Good. 511 00:23:26,781 --> 00:23:28,701 I didn't want you to feel stiffed. 512 00:23:28,741 --> 00:23:31,161 I mean, earlier in the night I did want you to feel stiffed, 513 00:23:31,202 --> 00:23:32,252 but not stiffed, like... 514 00:23:32,286 --> 00:23:34,826 Really, it's no big deal at all. 515 00:23:34,872 --> 00:23:36,542 Okay. 516 00:23:38,501 --> 00:23:40,501 I just noticed... 517 00:23:40,545 --> 00:23:41,705 What? 518 00:23:41,754 --> 00:23:43,764 You didn't call. 519 00:23:44,799 --> 00:23:45,879 You didn't call, either. 520 00:23:45,925 --> 00:23:48,715 I know. I just thought you'd call. 521 00:23:48,761 --> 00:23:50,891 Well, I didn't think there was anything to call about. 522 00:23:50,930 --> 00:23:52,700 Zelda was gonna bring the kids over the next day. 523 00:23:52,723 --> 00:23:54,123 I was gonna drop them off on Wednesday. 524 00:23:54,142 --> 00:23:57,022 - I know the schedule. - So why would I call? 525 00:23:58,980 --> 00:24:00,610 - Midge? - Yes? 526 00:24:00,648 --> 00:24:02,278 You mad? 527 00:24:02,316 --> 00:24:04,236 - Nope. - Did I do something wrong? 528 00:24:04,277 --> 00:24:06,487 No. You did everything right. 529 00:24:06,529 --> 00:24:08,199 Twice. S-so thanks for that. 530 00:24:08,239 --> 00:24:10,619 Hey. You said one night. 531 00:24:10,658 --> 00:24:11,698 And I heard you. 532 00:24:11,742 --> 00:24:13,492 I just thought you'd follow up. 533 00:24:13,536 --> 00:24:14,756 Something happens, you follow up. 534 00:24:14,787 --> 00:24:15,927 A guy comes to fix your dishwasher, 535 00:24:15,955 --> 00:24:16,965 he calls later to follow up. 536 00:24:16,998 --> 00:24:18,618 - No, he doesn't. - Yes, he does. 537 00:24:18,666 --> 00:24:20,916 Midge, no dishwasher repairman in the world 538 00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:22,170 calls later to follow up. 539 00:24:22,211 --> 00:24:23,501 Well, when our dishwasher broke, 540 00:24:23,546 --> 00:24:24,766 the guy called later to follow up, 541 00:24:24,797 --> 00:24:26,007 and I appreciated it. 542 00:24:26,048 --> 00:24:27,298 If he did call to follow up, 543 00:24:27,341 --> 00:24:29,181 it wasn't on the state of the dishwasher. 544 00:24:29,218 --> 00:24:31,138 Oh, so now I fucked the dishwasher repairman? 545 00:24:31,179 --> 00:24:32,359 - Is that what you're implying? - No. 546 00:24:32,388 --> 00:24:34,018 I'm saying that a dishwasher repairman 547 00:24:34,056 --> 00:24:35,576 doesn't give a shit about your dishwasher 548 00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:37,690 - the minute he leaves the house. - Oh, so that's it. 549 00:24:37,727 --> 00:24:39,367 You don't care about my dishwasher anymore? 550 00:24:39,395 --> 00:24:41,205 If it works or doesn't work, it means nothing to you at all. 551 00:24:41,230 --> 00:24:43,070 I am not a dishwasher repairman, Midge! 552 00:24:43,107 --> 00:24:44,527 If you know anything about me, 553 00:24:44,567 --> 00:24:46,207 it's not that I cannot repair a fucking dishwasher! 554 00:24:46,235 --> 00:24:47,855 I know you can't repair a dishwasher. 555 00:24:47,904 --> 00:24:49,844 - That wasn't what I was saying. - Well, what were you saying? 556 00:24:49,864 --> 00:24:53,454 I don't know. I've totally lost the thread of this conversation. 557 00:24:53,492 --> 00:24:56,542 You made it very, very clear: one night only. 558 00:24:56,579 --> 00:24:58,409 I was not supposed to think it was anything 559 00:24:58,456 --> 00:25:00,246 more than it was. So I didn't. 560 00:25:00,291 --> 00:25:02,341 I took you at your word and kept to the script. 561 00:25:02,376 --> 00:25:03,746 I did what you asked me to do. 562 00:25:04,795 --> 00:25:07,375 I just thought you'd call. 563 00:25:09,759 --> 00:25:11,589 Did you want me to call? 564 00:25:11,636 --> 00:25:14,886 Did you change your mind? 565 00:25:20,519 --> 00:25:22,559 I'm not mad. 566 00:25:23,606 --> 00:25:26,686 Listen... I have to go. 567 00:25:26,734 --> 00:25:28,784 Ethan's found the packing tape, 568 00:25:28,819 --> 00:25:30,949 and I don't know where Esther is. 569 00:25:30,988 --> 00:25:32,988 - I'll call you later. - Bye. 570 00:25:44,168 --> 00:25:46,918 Who is it? 571 00:25:46,963 --> 00:25:50,633 It's me. 572 00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:10,440 Hello, darling! Mm. 573 00:26:12,238 --> 00:26:15,278 Flowers? 574 00:26:15,324 --> 00:26:17,704 You had sex with my sister? 575 00:26:36,345 --> 00:26:38,095 So, just to be clear, this is Chinatown. 576 00:26:38,139 --> 00:26:39,559 Yes, this is Chinatown. 577 00:26:39,598 --> 00:26:41,638 Something that Pop did not mention. 578 00:26:41,684 --> 00:26:44,354 Excuse me. This is 227 Bayard Street. 579 00:26:44,395 --> 00:26:45,595 - Yes? - Bayard. 580 00:26:48,149 --> 00:26:49,529 I don't think he speaks English. 581 00:26:49,567 --> 00:26:52,397 What would I do without you, Mrs. Moskowitz. 582 00:26:52,445 --> 00:26:54,065 It's a mess, but the bones are good. 583 00:26:54,113 --> 00:26:55,453 The bones are very good. 584 00:26:55,489 --> 00:26:56,839 Chinatown. You think people will come 585 00:26:56,866 --> 00:26:58,526 to a club in Chinatown? 586 00:26:58,576 --> 00:27:01,696 - If the drinks are strong and the music's hot. 587 00:27:01,746 --> 00:27:03,956 Thank you. 588 00:27:03,998 --> 00:27:05,078 Must be the lease. 589 00:27:05,124 --> 00:27:08,504 - In Chinese? - And English. Thank God. 590 00:27:08,544 --> 00:27:11,344 There's a dead rat over here. We'd have to get rid of that. 591 00:27:11,380 --> 00:27:13,630 Geez, is that really the price? It's good. 592 00:27:13,674 --> 00:27:16,514 Whoa! Here's another one. Poor thing. 593 00:27:16,552 --> 00:27:17,642 He choked on a button. 594 00:27:17,678 --> 00:27:19,718 And the price is locked in for five years? 595 00:27:19,764 --> 00:27:23,684 Uh... immediate occupancy? I could take it now? 596 00:27:23,726 --> 00:27:27,356 I think I could take it now. 597 00:27:27,396 --> 00:27:30,686 I can't tell if I'm a genius or an idiot. 598 00:27:30,733 --> 00:27:32,493 Well, what do you think? 599 00:27:32,526 --> 00:27:33,776 We've seen a lot of shitholes. 600 00:27:33,819 --> 00:27:35,609 At least this one comes with a bar, a stage, 601 00:27:35,654 --> 00:27:37,204 and some wildlife. 602 00:27:37,239 --> 00:27:39,949 Your optimism is contagious, Mrs. Moskowitz. 603 00:27:43,120 --> 00:27:44,830 Who doesn't like wildlife, right? 604 00:27:44,872 --> 00:27:46,922 You know what? I'll take it. 605 00:27:49,668 --> 00:27:52,508 ♪ ♪ 606 00:27:55,132 --> 00:27:59,642 ♪ I'm dreaming of ♪ 607 00:27:59,678 --> 00:28:03,308 ♪ A white Christmas ♪ 608 00:28:03,349 --> 00:28:05,769 ♪ Just like the ones ♪ 609 00:28:05,810 --> 00:28:09,360 ♪ I used to know ♪ 610 00:28:09,397 --> 00:28:11,017 ♪ Where the treetops glisten ♪ 611 00:28:13,359 --> 00:28:16,649 ♪ And children listen ♪ 612 00:28:16,695 --> 00:28:20,825 ♪ To hear sleigh bells in the snow ♪ 613 00:28:20,866 --> 00:28:22,736 ♪ Snow ♪ 614 00:28:22,785 --> 00:28:25,865 ♪ I'm ♪ 615 00:28:25,913 --> 00:28:27,873 ♪ Dreaming of a ♪ 616 00:28:27,915 --> 00:28:31,625 - ♪ White Christmas ♪ - mas ♪ 617 00:28:31,669 --> 00:28:36,049 ♪ With every Christmas card I write ♪ 618 00:28:37,591 --> 00:28:38,931 ♪ May your days ♪ 619 00:28:38,968 --> 00:28:41,388 ♪ Be merry ♪ 620 00:28:41,429 --> 00:28:45,349 ♪ And bright ♪ 621 00:28:45,391 --> 00:28:48,851 ♪ And may all your ♪ 622 00:28:48,894 --> 00:28:51,314 ♪ Christmases ♪ 623 00:28:51,355 --> 00:28:55,525 ♪ Be white. ♪ 624 00:28:57,903 --> 00:29:00,743 That's all for us, tonight, fellas. 625 00:29:00,781 --> 00:29:03,831 You stay safe, 626 00:29:03,868 --> 00:29:06,408 and God bless America! 627 00:29:26,932 --> 00:29:28,392 Can I have a picture, Mrs. Maisel? 628 00:29:28,434 --> 00:29:29,814 - Me, too. - Easy, boys. 629 00:29:29,852 --> 00:29:31,412 - You'll bruise the merchandise. - Hey, let's throw you 630 00:29:31,437 --> 00:29:33,497 - in the jeep for a shot with some of the men. - Sure. 631 00:29:33,522 --> 00:29:34,942 Yeah, nothing like a heartwarming 632 00:29:34,982 --> 00:29:37,612 Christmas time gangbang photo to send home to the family. 633 00:29:37,651 --> 00:29:39,651 A photo in the jeep will be fine. 634 00:29:42,907 --> 00:29:46,827 Okay, everyone, say, "Government cheese!" 635 00:29:46,869 --> 00:29:48,909 - Government cheese! - Ooh! 636 00:29:48,954 --> 00:29:50,214 Merry Christmas, fellas. 637 00:29:50,247 --> 00:29:52,827 - Better get one more. - Huh? 638 00:29:52,875 --> 00:29:54,625 Government cheese! 639 00:29:54,668 --> 00:29:55,838 Got it. 640 00:29:55,878 --> 00:29:58,798 Thank you, boys. Have a great Christmas. 641 00:29:58,839 --> 00:30:00,719 - Whew. - Good job today. 642 00:30:00,758 --> 00:30:02,888 Thanks, Mitchell. Good luck invading Cuba. 643 00:30:02,927 --> 00:30:04,547 We'll see you tonight at 1900 hours. 644 00:30:04,595 --> 00:30:06,925 - Oh, now you do army time. - What time is 1900 hours? 645 00:30:06,972 --> 00:30:08,142 - 6:00. - 7:00. 646 00:30:08,182 --> 00:30:09,892 - Fuck. - And what's happening then? 647 00:30:09,934 --> 00:30:11,774 There's a dance at the canteen for the boys. 648 00:30:11,810 --> 00:30:14,360 We like everyone to go, all the talent. 649 00:30:14,396 --> 00:30:15,766 Did you know about this? 650 00:30:15,814 --> 00:30:17,614 No one ever mentioned a canteen dance. 651 00:30:17,650 --> 00:30:19,490 - What do you think? - I don't have an outfit. 652 00:30:19,527 --> 00:30:20,957 There's one right there on your body. 653 00:30:20,986 --> 00:30:23,376 - Everyone's already seen it. - Then wear the one you came in. 654 00:30:23,405 --> 00:30:24,905 That's a traveling outfit. 655 00:30:24,949 --> 00:30:27,179 You know these guys don't give a shit what you're wearing, right? 656 00:30:27,201 --> 00:30:28,851 They're all picturing you without your clothes on anyway. 657 00:30:28,869 --> 00:30:31,829 I'm representing Shy. I have to look a certain way. 658 00:30:31,872 --> 00:30:33,672 Look, I've yet to win a clothing argument, 659 00:30:33,707 --> 00:30:35,827 - so it ain't gonna happen. - But it's tradition. 660 00:30:35,876 --> 00:30:37,996 It's for the boys. 661 00:30:38,045 --> 00:30:41,165 I guess I could go home and grab an outfit. 662 00:30:41,215 --> 00:30:43,675 - Can someone give us a ride? - I can arrange that. 663 00:30:43,717 --> 00:30:45,107 - Private Lawrence. - I think I'm gonna stay here 664 00:30:45,135 --> 00:30:46,505 and wait for you. 665 00:30:46,554 --> 00:30:48,994 You sure you don't want to go home and grab your fancy blazer? 666 00:30:49,014 --> 00:30:50,704 - For the boys? - Don't want to overwhelm them. 667 00:30:50,724 --> 00:30:53,814 Okay. Be back as soon as I can. 668 00:30:53,852 --> 00:30:55,232 Goddamn it. 669 00:30:55,271 --> 00:30:57,151 Susie Myerson. 670 00:30:57,189 --> 00:30:59,279 Phone call for Susie Myerson. 671 00:31:03,028 --> 00:31:04,358 Susie Myerson. 672 00:31:04,405 --> 00:31:05,735 Oh, there you are. 673 00:31:05,781 --> 00:31:07,371 I've been looking everywhere for you. 674 00:31:07,408 --> 00:31:08,578 I'm over at your apartment. 675 00:31:08,617 --> 00:31:10,047 What the hell are you doing at my apartment? 676 00:31:10,077 --> 00:31:11,997 I'm getting the place ready for my sublet. 677 00:31:12,037 --> 00:31:13,597 You don't expect me to live like you do. 678 00:31:13,622 --> 00:31:15,002 Get out of my apartment. 679 00:31:15,040 --> 00:31:16,560 Relax. I'm just taking some measurements. 680 00:31:16,584 --> 00:31:17,754 For what? 681 00:31:17,793 --> 00:31:19,963 You need drapes. The whole fucking street 682 00:31:20,004 --> 00:31:22,094 can watch you do whatever weird shit you do. 683 00:31:22,131 --> 00:31:25,381 -No drapes. -It's too sad. There's no feminine touch. 684 00:31:25,426 --> 00:31:26,836 - Jackie! - Anyhow, 685 00:31:26,885 --> 00:31:29,845 I'm here and someone shows up who wants to talk to you. 686 00:31:29,888 --> 00:31:31,888 Who? Jackie. 687 00:31:31,932 --> 00:31:33,352 Jackie? 688 00:31:33,392 --> 00:31:35,142 Who? 689 00:31:35,185 --> 00:31:36,555 Why do you live here? 690 00:31:36,604 --> 00:31:38,404 Let me rephrase that. 691 00:31:38,439 --> 00:31:41,939 You don't live here. Not anymore. I forbid it. 692 00:31:41,984 --> 00:31:43,114 - Sophie. - I am 693 00:31:43,152 --> 00:31:44,282 furious with you. 694 00:31:44,320 --> 00:31:46,490 - It's rent-controlled. - Not about that. 695 00:31:46,530 --> 00:31:49,870 - I know I owe you a call. - A call? You owe me a call? 696 00:31:49,908 --> 00:31:51,408 I asked you to be my manager. 697 00:31:51,452 --> 00:31:53,122 You owe me more than a call. 698 00:31:53,162 --> 00:31:55,332 - Your manager? No shit? - Never speak again. 699 00:31:55,372 --> 00:31:58,582 I offered you the chance of a lifetime, 700 00:31:58,626 --> 00:32:01,586 and then I sat by the phone like a virgin on prom night. 701 00:32:01,629 --> 00:32:03,439 Finally, I realized you were not going to call. 702 00:32:03,464 --> 00:32:04,634 I was gonna call. 703 00:32:04,673 --> 00:32:06,933 So I had to come to you. 704 00:32:06,967 --> 00:32:09,137 Here. 705 00:32:09,178 --> 00:32:11,598 Below 14th Street. 706 00:32:11,639 --> 00:32:14,099 I had to walk down stairs. I had to 707 00:32:14,141 --> 00:32:16,231 touch a doorknob that was alive. 708 00:32:16,268 --> 00:32:18,398 I had to talk to your husband. 709 00:32:18,437 --> 00:32:20,457 - He's not my fucking husband! - I'm not her husband. 710 00:32:20,481 --> 00:32:21,831 - Give me a fucking heart attack. - Christ, my fucking heart. 711 00:32:21,857 --> 00:32:24,067 Well, why is someone who is not your husband 712 00:32:24,109 --> 00:32:26,319 neck-deep in my fur? 713 00:32:26,362 --> 00:32:29,492 - Can't answer that. - It's freezing in here. 714 00:32:29,531 --> 00:32:31,331 It is freezing in here. 715 00:32:31,367 --> 00:32:34,497 Sophie, I'm sorry, really, but can I call you back later? 716 00:32:34,536 --> 00:32:36,286 - Where are you? - At a USO show. 717 00:32:36,330 --> 00:32:38,710 - I don't do USO shows. - It's not for you. 718 00:32:38,749 --> 00:32:40,059 Well, then I don't want to hear about it 719 00:32:40,084 --> 00:32:42,424 or any other excuse you might be conjuring up. 720 00:32:42,461 --> 00:32:44,551 I don't give a flying merde. 721 00:32:44,588 --> 00:32:46,338 Do you understand 722 00:32:46,382 --> 00:32:48,052 who I am? 723 00:32:48,092 --> 00:32:50,552 What I am to this business? 724 00:32:50,594 --> 00:32:54,064 - I do. - And yet you made me track you down. 725 00:32:54,098 --> 00:32:56,678 The last time I had to track someone down 726 00:32:56,725 --> 00:32:58,845 was to tell Desi Arnaz he gave me the clap. 727 00:32:58,894 --> 00:33:01,904 I'm sorry, about this and the clap. 728 00:33:01,939 --> 00:33:04,979 The clap was worth it. This isn't. 729 00:33:05,025 --> 00:33:08,695 Now I have been patient, and I'm out of patience. 730 00:33:08,737 --> 00:33:12,367 I want an answer to my question and I want it right now. 731 00:33:12,408 --> 00:33:13,778 Are you my manager 732 00:33:13,826 --> 00:33:17,156 or are you not? 733 00:33:17,204 --> 00:33:19,464 Rose, I don't understand why... 734 00:33:19,498 --> 00:33:21,168 What is that? 735 00:33:21,208 --> 00:33:23,458 - I demand you tell me exactly what you... 736 00:33:23,502 --> 00:33:25,632 Okay, maybe demand's too strong. 737 00:33:25,671 --> 00:33:28,131 I want you to see what our lives cost. 738 00:33:28,173 --> 00:33:31,093 I know what it cost, and you're smoking in the house. 739 00:33:31,135 --> 00:33:32,545 How much does Zelda make? 740 00:33:32,594 --> 00:33:34,644 Zelda makes $30 a week. 741 00:33:34,680 --> 00:33:36,560 - Wrong. - What do you mean wrong? 742 00:33:36,598 --> 00:33:38,478 You can't just say "wrong" to me. 743 00:33:38,517 --> 00:33:40,597 Zelda makes $60 a week. 744 00:33:40,644 --> 00:33:43,024 That's impossible. I pay her $30. 745 00:33:43,063 --> 00:33:45,523 - And then I pay her the rest. - With what? 746 00:33:45,566 --> 00:33:46,976 With the money from my trust fund. 747 00:33:49,027 --> 00:33:51,697 You really think we live like this on your salary? 748 00:33:51,739 --> 00:33:55,159 You really think that Miriam has all those fabulous clothes 749 00:33:55,200 --> 00:33:57,080 because you were a professor at Columbia? 750 00:33:57,119 --> 00:34:00,909 The vacations, the dinners, the cocktail parties... 751 00:34:00,956 --> 00:34:02,616 You think all that exists 752 00:34:02,666 --> 00:34:04,916 because you taught eight hyper-intelligent, 753 00:34:04,960 --> 00:34:07,840 emotionally-retarded eunuchs to draw symbols on a chalkboard. 754 00:34:07,880 --> 00:34:09,920 I think you're oversimplifying my classes. 755 00:34:09,965 --> 00:34:12,625 Do you know one other professor who lives the way we do? 756 00:34:12,676 --> 00:34:15,716 - Milk is 49 cents a gallon? - Not one. 757 00:34:15,763 --> 00:34:18,893 They all have drab clothes and gray skin and they die young. 758 00:34:18,932 --> 00:34:22,062 You're telling me that you paid for all of these things 759 00:34:22,102 --> 00:34:23,902 - out of your trust fund? - Yes. 760 00:34:23,937 --> 00:34:25,977 You told me that trust fund was just there 761 00:34:26,023 --> 00:34:27,193 to buy me birthday presents. 762 00:34:27,232 --> 00:34:28,542 Well, happy fucking birthday, Abe. 763 00:34:28,567 --> 00:34:30,527 Now cut the crap and go get our lives back. 764 00:34:31,862 --> 00:34:33,112 This is ridiculous. 765 00:34:33,155 --> 00:34:36,115 All this talk is about 766 00:34:36,158 --> 00:34:37,868 possessions and things. 767 00:34:37,910 --> 00:34:40,580 I mean, look at this apartment. 768 00:34:40,621 --> 00:34:42,371 Who needs all these rooms? 769 00:34:42,414 --> 00:34:44,084 A living room, a dining room, 770 00:34:44,124 --> 00:34:46,384 a kitchen, two bathrooms. 771 00:34:46,418 --> 00:34:48,418 I have a room, you have a room, 772 00:34:48,462 --> 00:34:50,712 Miriam has a room, her children have a room. 773 00:34:50,756 --> 00:34:53,626 And the coup de grâce: this whole room 774 00:34:53,675 --> 00:34:55,715 is for our daughter's clothes. 775 00:34:55,761 --> 00:34:59,351 Clothes and clothes 776 00:34:59,389 --> 00:35:01,269 and more clothes and... 777 00:35:01,308 --> 00:35:05,398 I was never a materialistic man, Rose. 778 00:35:05,437 --> 00:35:08,567 I cared about science and thought 779 00:35:08,607 --> 00:35:11,147 and bettering mankind. Now look at me. 780 00:35:11,193 --> 00:35:12,993 I'm wearing two sweaters. 781 00:35:13,028 --> 00:35:15,028 Rose, tell me, 782 00:35:15,072 --> 00:35:16,452 when did I become a man 783 00:35:16,490 --> 00:35:19,450 who needs five bedrooms? 784 00:35:19,493 --> 00:35:23,373 When did I become a man who-who needs a linen closet? 785 00:35:23,413 --> 00:35:25,623 When did I become a man who has a maid? 786 00:35:25,666 --> 00:35:27,666 When did I change? 787 00:35:27,709 --> 00:35:29,589 When did I become this selfish, 788 00:35:29,628 --> 00:35:31,918 materialistic man? 789 00:35:31,964 --> 00:35:34,974 Th-The kind of man I used to despise. 790 00:35:35,008 --> 00:35:37,508 - When you married me. - I didn't say that! 791 00:35:37,553 --> 00:35:38,803 Hi, it's me! 792 00:35:38,846 --> 00:35:41,176 I just have to change and get back to the airfield. 793 00:35:41,223 --> 00:35:42,523 Hey, what happened to my clothes? 794 00:35:42,558 --> 00:35:44,558 Have you worn all these dresses? 795 00:35:44,601 --> 00:35:46,101 - Have I... - Because I don't think 796 00:35:46,144 --> 00:35:49,484 you've been on Earth long enough even at a rate of two per day. 797 00:35:49,523 --> 00:35:52,323 - Okay, what is happening? - What do you mean, "What is happening"? 798 00:35:52,359 --> 00:35:53,999 - Have you not been paying attention? - She never pays attention. 799 00:35:54,027 --> 00:35:55,337 Our whole lives are going down the toilet. 800 00:35:55,362 --> 00:35:57,662 - Where the hell have you been? - She's been out. 801 00:35:57,698 --> 00:35:59,178 Doing whatever it is she does at night. 802 00:35:59,199 --> 00:36:00,909 Oh, and I suppose that's my fault, too. 803 00:36:00,951 --> 00:36:02,931 -You know what I'm doing at night. -If you hadn't met me, 804 00:36:02,953 --> 00:36:04,143 then I wouldn't be Miriam's mother 805 00:36:04,162 --> 00:36:05,812 and she wouldn't be turning to prostitution 806 00:36:05,831 --> 00:36:08,021 -instead of being married. -I am not a prostitute. I'm a comic. 807 00:36:08,041 --> 00:36:10,751 - Is there a difference? - Yes, prostitutes get paid more. 808 00:36:10,794 --> 00:36:11,964 Hilarious. 809 00:36:12,004 --> 00:36:14,304 - You should go into comedy. - I did. 810 00:36:14,339 --> 00:36:16,719 I can't deal with you now. I have enough to worry about. 811 00:36:16,758 --> 00:36:18,188 Yes. You have to figure out where we're gonna live. 812 00:36:18,218 --> 00:36:19,278 - Okay. - How we're gonna pay for it. 813 00:36:19,303 --> 00:36:20,893 - Enough. - And the going rate of Zelda. 814 00:36:20,929 --> 00:36:23,029 - So you took it out on my clothes? - He saved you the trouble. 815 00:36:23,056 --> 00:36:25,016 You have to move them anyway because this is not 816 00:36:25,058 --> 00:36:28,228 -our home anymore. -It was never ours. Columbia always owned it. 817 00:36:28,270 --> 00:36:29,810 We would've had to move eventually. 818 00:36:29,855 --> 00:36:32,225 - Yes, when we died. - Still, a deadline. 819 00:36:32,274 --> 00:36:33,654 - Oh. - Blue dress, blue dress. 820 00:36:33,692 --> 00:36:36,362 - What are you doing? - I need a dress for tonight. 821 00:36:36,403 --> 00:36:38,913 You see? Selfish. That's the daughter that we raised. 822 00:36:38,947 --> 00:36:40,697 Now wait a minute, don't turn 823 00:36:40,741 --> 00:36:42,411 whatever this fight is around on me. 824 00:36:42,451 --> 00:36:44,161 I am hardly the selfish one here. 825 00:36:44,202 --> 00:36:45,832 What does that mean? 826 00:36:45,871 --> 00:36:47,721 I couldn't believe it when Mama told me what you did. 827 00:36:47,748 --> 00:36:49,958 - What I did when? - Columbia? Quitting? 828 00:36:50,000 --> 00:36:52,380 Giving up the apartment? I am still in shock. 829 00:36:52,419 --> 00:36:54,379 That situation has nothing to do with you. 830 00:36:54,421 --> 00:36:56,301 What are you talking about? I live here. 831 00:36:56,340 --> 00:36:57,760 My children live here. 832 00:36:57,799 --> 00:36:59,399 But you shouldn't be living here, should you? 833 00:36:59,426 --> 00:37:00,586 You shouldn't be living here, 834 00:37:00,636 --> 00:37:01,856 your children shouldn't be living here. 835 00:37:01,887 --> 00:37:03,317 You should be living with your husband, 836 00:37:03,347 --> 00:37:06,307 - at your own place. - My husband walked out. 837 00:37:06,350 --> 00:37:08,060 Sure, but then another one walked in. 838 00:37:08,101 --> 00:37:09,311 Yes, a doctor. 839 00:37:09,353 --> 00:37:11,313 What the hell happened with Benjamin anyway? 840 00:37:11,355 --> 00:37:13,265 - You know what happened with Benjamin. No. 841 00:37:13,315 --> 00:37:15,455 - I don't. - We were looking through magazines, planning menus. 842 00:37:15,484 --> 00:37:18,114 -And I had to sit with him all morning. -I told you, 843 00:37:18,153 --> 00:37:20,663 - it wasn't right. - Is it another man? 844 00:37:20,697 --> 00:37:22,157 - No. No. - No? 845 00:37:22,157 --> 00:37:24,277 - No? - Seriously, break the logjam. 846 00:37:27,162 --> 00:37:29,162 I'd follow her if I were you. 847 00:37:30,874 --> 00:37:32,754 Mama. Mama, can we please 848 00:37:32,793 --> 00:37:35,053 finish this conversation? 849 00:37:35,087 --> 00:37:39,007 "Dear Upper West Side, thank you for bringing your umbrella. 850 00:37:39,049 --> 00:37:40,609 "I'm at The Den Friday and Saturday night 851 00:37:40,634 --> 00:37:42,054 "if you feel like dropping by. 852 00:37:42,052 --> 00:37:44,302 If not, I'll see you next time I'm in town. Lenny." 853 00:37:44,346 --> 00:37:46,256 - Who is Lenny? - Lenny's a sissy's name. 854 00:37:46,306 --> 00:37:48,516 - Lenny Bruce. - Bruce is a thug's name. 855 00:37:48,558 --> 00:37:50,058 - He's a comedian. - Oh, God. 856 00:37:50,102 --> 00:37:53,732 So this Lenny Bruce is the reason that you left Benjamin? 857 00:37:53,730 --> 00:37:55,650 - What? No. - He sends you flowers. 858 00:37:55,732 --> 00:37:57,092 I am not spending the morning with him. 859 00:37:57,109 --> 00:37:58,379 You can tell him that right now. 860 00:37:58,402 --> 00:38:00,742 Will you listen to me? I said he was just a friend. 861 00:38:00,737 --> 00:38:02,067 I can't believe you dropped a surgeon 862 00:38:02,072 --> 00:38:03,322 to go out with some comedian. 863 00:38:03,365 --> 00:38:05,405 I did not drop Benjamin for Lenny. 864 00:38:05,450 --> 00:38:07,450 You are frivolous and flighty. 865 00:38:07,494 --> 00:38:09,184 And that's what happens when you let someone 866 00:38:09,204 --> 00:38:10,754 have an entire room for skirts. 867 00:38:10,747 --> 00:38:13,057 Oh, yes, Abe, it's my fault that she's like that, is that it? 868 00:38:13,083 --> 00:38:16,343 I didn't say that, but I am not her shopping buddy. 869 00:38:16,378 --> 00:38:17,958 Oh, you know what, I've had it. 870 00:38:18,005 --> 00:38:19,835 I'm tired of hearing my husband of 31 years 871 00:38:19,881 --> 00:38:21,471 blame me for everything. 872 00:38:21,508 --> 00:38:23,468 Blame me because he's not a freedom fighter. 873 00:38:23,510 --> 00:38:25,390 Blame me because he's not Che Guevara. 874 00:38:25,429 --> 00:38:26,949 That's ridiculous. Che Guevara isn't Jewish. 875 00:38:26,972 --> 00:38:28,392 I'm sorry, Abe. 876 00:38:28,432 --> 00:38:30,452 I'm sorry that you weren't there to bring Stalin down. 877 00:38:30,475 --> 00:38:32,135 I'm sorry your hair's not unkempt 878 00:38:32,185 --> 00:38:33,765 and you're not growing a full beard 879 00:38:33,812 --> 00:38:35,772 and you're not fornicating with syphilitic poets. 880 00:38:35,814 --> 00:38:37,754 I'm sure your beatnik hero Jack Krack-a-wack must be 881 00:38:37,774 --> 00:38:40,654 - just rife with syphilis. - Do you mean Jack Kerouac? 882 00:38:40,694 --> 00:38:41,864 - Oh... - Who? 883 00:38:41,903 --> 00:38:44,243 Jack Kerouac. On the Road? 884 00:38:44,281 --> 00:38:46,371 Oh, for God's sake, you should know him. 885 00:38:46,408 --> 00:38:47,908 - You're young. - I don't read. I... 886 00:38:47,951 --> 00:38:51,331 How a daughter of mine developed absolutely no intellectual 887 00:38:51,371 --> 00:38:54,751 or social curiosity or sense of responsibility is beyond me. 888 00:38:54,791 --> 00:38:56,751 Oh, please. Please. 889 00:38:56,793 --> 00:38:58,963 How dare you double-please me. 890 00:38:59,004 --> 00:39:01,174 You don't even know who Lenny Bruce is. 891 00:39:01,214 --> 00:39:03,724 You blather on and on about free speech. 892 00:39:03,759 --> 00:39:06,339 He's out there getting arrested in the name of free speech. 893 00:39:06,386 --> 00:39:09,766 He's talking about things no one has the balls to talk about. 894 00:39:09,806 --> 00:39:12,056 You put down comedy and what I do. 895 00:39:12,100 --> 00:39:14,270 You don't even know what goes on out there. 896 00:39:14,311 --> 00:39:15,901 This guy is the real deal, 897 00:39:15,937 --> 00:39:18,607 but you just scoff and pretend that he's nothing. 898 00:39:18,648 --> 00:39:20,028 That is ignorant. 899 00:39:20,067 --> 00:39:21,857 You are ignorant. 900 00:39:21,902 --> 00:39:23,492 Found my dress. 901 00:39:24,988 --> 00:39:26,988 Well, you can wear that, it's been on the floor... 902 00:39:27,032 --> 00:39:29,702 It needs to be steamed. 903 00:39:29,743 --> 00:39:31,833 And you quit your piano lessons! 904 00:39:31,870 --> 00:39:34,750 When I was eight! - You just quit. You're a quitter. 905 00:39:34,790 --> 00:39:36,290 I hated piano. 906 00:39:36,333 --> 00:39:39,173 Of course you hated piano... Didn't come with a costume. 907 00:39:39,211 --> 00:39:42,421 - I was a terrible player. - The neighbors complained. 908 00:39:42,464 --> 00:39:45,634 - My teacher used earplugs. - But you should not have quit. 909 00:39:45,675 --> 00:39:48,505 That sets the tone for an entire life. 910 00:39:48,553 --> 00:39:50,563 I have to go. I have to work. 911 00:39:50,597 --> 00:39:53,137 Ah. You quit piano, you quit your marriage, 912 00:39:53,183 --> 00:39:55,643 you quit Benjamin. I wouldn't be surprised 913 00:39:55,685 --> 00:39:58,145 if you quit this comedy thing, too. 914 00:39:59,189 --> 00:40:00,979 Never. 915 00:40:23,255 --> 00:40:25,875 - So this is it. - How do you already have keys? 916 00:40:25,882 --> 00:40:27,762 I signed the lease, they gave me the keys. 917 00:40:27,801 --> 00:40:29,851 Joel Maisel, strikes a hard bargain. 918 00:40:29,886 --> 00:40:31,386 - Let it be known! - How much? 919 00:40:31,429 --> 00:40:33,769 - $500 a month. It's a steal. - Hey! 920 00:40:33,807 --> 00:40:36,097 - You've already got a bar. - And a stage. 921 00:40:36,143 --> 00:40:38,123 Probably needs shoring up, but the layout's perfect. 922 00:40:38,145 --> 00:40:39,595 What's with all the buttons? 923 00:40:39,646 --> 00:40:41,646 One of my dad's suppliers was using it as storage. 924 00:40:41,690 --> 00:40:43,110 That's how I heard about this place. 925 00:40:43,150 --> 00:40:45,030 Buttons, buttons... 926 00:40:45,068 --> 00:40:46,528 The Button Club. There's your name. 927 00:40:46,570 --> 00:40:48,410 Looks like I found my creative director. 928 00:40:48,446 --> 00:40:50,296 - I don't come cheap. - That's not what I heard. 929 00:40:50,323 --> 00:40:52,163 I think you got a bargain, buddy. Really. 930 00:40:52,200 --> 00:40:54,740 Timing's good, too. Mom and Pop are in a good place, 931 00:40:54,786 --> 00:40:56,746 and with my divorce getting finalized now... 932 00:40:56,788 --> 00:40:59,168 - Aw, shit. - Nah, it's fine. It's good. 933 00:40:59,207 --> 00:41:02,707 - Really. It's a new beginning. - Okay. So when do we start? 934 00:41:02,752 --> 00:41:05,382 -We? -I'm your creative director. Try and stop me. 935 00:41:05,422 --> 00:41:07,282 Unless you're Imogene, who will try and stop me. 936 00:41:07,299 --> 00:41:09,469 We'll need a couple of crowbars, 937 00:41:09,509 --> 00:41:12,509 a ton of sandpaper... 938 00:41:18,560 --> 00:41:19,940 - Joel? - I don't know. 939 00:41:19,978 --> 00:41:22,308 - Where does that door go? - I never saw that door. 940 00:41:22,355 --> 00:41:25,275 You leased a space with a scary mystery door? 941 00:41:25,317 --> 00:41:26,857 No. Yes. 942 00:41:26,902 --> 00:41:28,152 I don't know. 943 00:42:08,068 --> 00:42:10,028 - Archie? - I don't know. 944 00:42:10,070 --> 00:42:13,030 - Shit. Shit! - You can say that again. 945 00:42:13,073 --> 00:42:15,203 I've already signed a lease. I've put money down. 946 00:42:20,080 --> 00:42:21,040 Hi. 947 00:42:21,081 --> 00:42:22,041 - Hi. - Hello. 948 00:42:22,082 --> 00:42:23,462 You the new tenants? 949 00:42:23,500 --> 00:42:25,270 I'm the new tenant. What the hell is going on in there? 950 00:42:25,293 --> 00:42:27,133 - Where? - Behind you, in there. 951 00:42:27,170 --> 00:42:28,710 Nothing. What's your name? 952 00:42:28,755 --> 00:42:30,335 Forget my name. What is that? 953 00:42:30,382 --> 00:42:32,182 - Who are those people? - Family gathering. 954 00:42:32,217 --> 00:42:34,047 - Really? Your family? - Yup. 955 00:42:34,094 --> 00:42:35,604 - Yup. Yup. - All of them? 956 00:42:35,637 --> 00:42:37,557 - The guy serving drinks? - My cousin. 957 00:42:37,597 --> 00:42:39,327 - He was wearing a name tag. - I have a lot of cousins. 958 00:42:39,349 --> 00:42:40,729 Those people in there are gambling. 959 00:42:40,767 --> 00:42:43,397 - What? No. - We saw dice, we saw cards. 960 00:42:43,436 --> 00:42:44,646 They're throwing cash around. 961 00:42:44,688 --> 00:42:47,018 I always liked this space. What's it gonna be? 962 00:42:47,065 --> 00:42:49,105 A club. Look, don't change the subject. 963 00:42:49,150 --> 00:42:50,440 I need to know what's going on. 964 00:42:50,485 --> 00:42:52,295 I don't want to get tied up in something illegal. 965 00:42:52,320 --> 00:42:54,490 Nobody's gonna tie you up. What kind of club? 966 00:42:54,531 --> 00:42:56,741 I signed a lease, I made a deposit. 967 00:42:56,783 --> 00:43:00,203 You know, a long time ago, this was a club. A magic club. 968 00:43:00,245 --> 00:43:03,455 One night, the guy made a woman disappear. 969 00:43:03,498 --> 00:43:04,918 No one ever found her again. 970 00:43:04,958 --> 00:43:07,458 Wait, what? Something happened to her? 971 00:43:07,502 --> 00:43:09,342 No, he was just a really bad magician. 972 00:43:09,379 --> 00:43:10,899 - Listen... - Or maybe a really good one. 973 00:43:10,922 --> 00:43:12,512 No, that is not a true story, 974 00:43:12,549 --> 00:43:14,929 just like a family gathering is not a true story. 975 00:43:14,968 --> 00:43:17,928 - That is not your cousin. - Okay, so it's been nice talking to you. 976 00:43:17,971 --> 00:43:19,451 You shouldn't come through this door again. 977 00:43:19,472 --> 00:43:22,522 - Wait. - Leave us alone, we'll leave you alone. 978 00:43:22,559 --> 00:43:24,349 Or what... I'll disappear? 979 00:43:24,394 --> 00:43:26,234 Well, that's silly. 980 00:43:26,271 --> 00:43:28,271 I'm not a magician. 981 00:43:31,818 --> 00:43:33,068 Shit. 982 00:43:33,111 --> 00:43:35,321 Buddy, it's fine. 983 00:43:35,363 --> 00:43:36,703 We leave them alone, 984 00:43:36,740 --> 00:43:38,620 they'll leave us alone. 985 00:43:44,789 --> 00:43:46,369 Mmm. Mmm. 986 00:43:48,418 --> 00:43:50,748 I quit. 987 00:43:50,795 --> 00:43:52,795 ♪ The moon was ♪ 988 00:43:52,839 --> 00:43:56,339 ♪ All aglow ♪ 989 00:43:56,384 --> 00:44:00,224 ♪ And heaven was in your eyes... ♪ 990 00:44:01,806 --> 00:44:04,596 I'm... I'm here to see Lenny Bruce. 991 00:44:04,642 --> 00:44:07,652 $2.50 cover, two drink minimum. 992 00:44:07,687 --> 00:44:09,267 Well, all right, and... 993 00:44:09,314 --> 00:44:11,864 that's if you drink both drinks, 994 00:44:11,900 --> 00:44:14,570 or just in general? 995 00:44:14,611 --> 00:44:16,401 In general. 996 00:44:16,446 --> 00:44:18,446 Okay. 997 00:44:20,533 --> 00:44:24,333 ♪ The night that you told me ♪ 998 00:44:24,371 --> 00:44:26,501 ♪ Those little white. ♪ 999 00:44:26,539 --> 00:44:29,879 Ladies and gentlemen, Lenny Bruce. 1000 00:44:36,549 --> 00:44:37,929 Thank you. 1001 00:44:37,967 --> 00:44:40,137 Oh, that's a very nice welcome. 1002 00:44:40,178 --> 00:44:43,178 Uh, did any of you happen to catch me 1003 00:44:43,223 --> 00:44:44,853 on The Steve Allen Show? 1004 00:44:44,891 --> 00:44:46,521 Yeah. 1005 00:44:46,559 --> 00:44:48,139 I cleaned up very nicely, 1006 00:44:48,186 --> 00:44:51,226 if I do say so myself. I, uh... 1007 00:44:51,272 --> 00:44:54,782 I sang a little song, I offended no one. 1008 00:44:56,361 --> 00:44:59,201 You see, often I am billed at nightclubs 1009 00:44:59,239 --> 00:45:00,989 with a sign that says, 1010 00:45:01,032 --> 00:45:03,412 "For Adults Only." 1011 00:45:03,451 --> 00:45:07,291 I am very interested in the motivation for that billing. 1012 00:45:07,330 --> 00:45:10,420 I must assume that "for adults only" 1013 00:45:10,458 --> 00:45:14,248 means that my point of view would be a deterrent 1014 00:45:14,295 --> 00:45:16,625 to the development of a well-adjusted member 1015 00:45:16,673 --> 00:45:18,343 of the community. 1016 00:45:18,383 --> 00:45:22,013 See, the argument is a child will ape 1017 00:45:22,053 --> 00:45:24,013 the actions of an actor. 1018 00:45:24,055 --> 00:45:26,715 What he sees now in his formative years, 1019 00:45:26,766 --> 00:45:28,636 he may do as an adult, 1020 00:45:28,685 --> 00:45:31,725 so then we must be very careful 1021 00:45:31,771 --> 00:45:34,611 what we let the child see. 1022 00:45:34,649 --> 00:45:36,939 So then I would rather my kid 1023 00:45:36,985 --> 00:45:39,525 see a stag film 1024 00:45:39,571 --> 00:45:42,661 than The Ten Commandments or The King of Kings, 1025 00:45:42,699 --> 00:45:46,579 because I don't want my kids to kill Christ when he comes back. 1026 00:45:48,246 --> 00:45:50,086 Well, that's what they see in those pictures... 1027 00:45:50,123 --> 00:45:52,423 That violence. 1028 00:45:52,459 --> 00:45:56,379 Well, let me just take your kids to a dirty movie then. 1029 00:45:56,421 --> 00:45:59,221 All right kids, uh, sit down now, 1030 00:45:59,257 --> 00:46:00,967 the picture's about to start. 1031 00:46:01,009 --> 00:46:04,429 Oh, it's not like Psycho, with lots of four-letter words, 1032 00:46:04,471 --> 00:46:08,181 like, "kill" and "maim" and "hurt." 1033 00:46:08,224 --> 00:46:11,694 No, it's a dirty movie. Okay. 1034 00:46:11,728 --> 00:46:14,808 A couple is coming in now, and, uh... Oh. 1035 00:46:14,856 --> 00:46:17,226 The guy is picking up the pillow. 1036 00:46:17,275 --> 00:46:19,815 Oh, he'll probably smother her with it, 1037 00:46:19,861 --> 00:46:22,281 that'll be a good opening. 1038 00:46:22,322 --> 00:46:26,032 Oh, the degenerate, he's putting it under her ass. 1039 00:46:26,075 --> 00:46:28,655 Jesus. 1040 00:46:28,703 --> 00:46:31,043 Oh, I hate to show this crap to you kids. 1041 00:46:31,080 --> 00:46:33,120 Uh... Oh, right, 1042 00:46:33,166 --> 00:46:35,666 now he's raising his hand. 1043 00:46:35,710 --> 00:46:38,510 He'll probably strike her, and, uh... 1044 00:46:38,546 --> 00:46:41,626 Nope, he's caressing her 1045 00:46:41,674 --> 00:46:44,644 and kissing her. 1046 00:46:44,677 --> 00:46:47,347 Oh, this is disgusting. 1047 00:46:47,388 --> 00:46:49,928 All right, now he's kissing her some more, 1048 00:46:49,974 --> 00:46:52,394 and, uh... Oh, she's saying something. 1049 00:46:52,435 --> 00:46:55,765 Uh, she'll probably scream at him, "Get out of here!" 1050 00:46:55,813 --> 00:46:58,783 No, no, she's saying, 1051 00:46:58,816 --> 00:47:01,686 "I love you. I'm coming." 1052 00:47:04,113 --> 00:47:06,163 Oh, kids, I'm sorry 1053 00:47:06,199 --> 00:47:08,279 that I had to show you anything like this. 1054 00:47:08,326 --> 00:47:10,036 God knows it'll be on my conscience 1055 00:47:10,078 --> 00:47:12,288 for the rest of my life. 1056 00:47:12,330 --> 00:47:14,670 I never did see one stag film 1057 00:47:14,707 --> 00:47:16,287 where anyone got killed in the end, 1058 00:47:16,334 --> 00:47:18,094 or even slapped in the mouth, 1059 00:47:18,127 --> 00:47:22,047 or where there was any Communist propaganda. 1060 00:47:22,090 --> 00:47:25,550 I can tell from the body language 1061 00:47:25,593 --> 00:47:28,643 the police think the show's about to get interesting. 1062 00:47:28,680 --> 00:47:30,850 Did you see me on Steve Allen? 1063 00:47:30,890 --> 00:47:33,100 No. 1064 00:47:33,142 --> 00:47:34,852 Ah, well. 1065 00:47:34,894 --> 00:47:36,984 That's too bad, you would've liked it. Uh... 1066 00:47:38,022 --> 00:47:41,282 Okay, so I want to point out 1067 00:47:41,317 --> 00:47:43,737 the "God made the body" paradox 1068 00:47:43,778 --> 00:47:46,068 of the decent people who would object 1069 00:47:46,114 --> 00:47:49,914 to this, uh, groovy-looking chick. 1070 00:47:49,951 --> 00:47:53,371 Now, if I'm dressing, 1071 00:47:53,413 --> 00:47:55,293 and I see that chick there, 1072 00:47:55,331 --> 00:47:58,791 Miss September, across the way, I'm gonna look. 1073 00:47:58,835 --> 00:48:01,455 - That's it, Bruce. - But, see, in our society, 1074 00:48:01,504 --> 00:48:04,424 it's pull down the shade and charge two bucks to get in. 1075 00:48:04,465 --> 00:48:06,965 - Let's go, now. - That's what repression does. 1076 00:48:07,010 --> 00:48:09,970 The obscenity law, when everything else boils away, is 1077 00:48:10,013 --> 00:48:11,893 does it appeal to the prurient interest? 1078 00:48:11,931 --> 00:48:14,061 Well, I want to know what's wrong with appealing 1079 00:48:14,100 --> 00:48:16,560 to the prurient interest. No, I really want 1080 00:48:16,603 --> 00:48:18,563 the Supreme Court to stand up and tell me 1081 00:48:18,605 --> 00:48:20,435 that fucking is dirty and no good. 1082 00:48:23,443 --> 00:48:24,693 All right, I'm coming. 1083 00:48:24,736 --> 00:48:26,646 I'm coming. 1084 00:48:26,696 --> 00:48:29,656 You actually let me get a lot farther that time, thank you. 1085 00:48:29,699 --> 00:48:31,699 Yeah, let's go. 1086 00:48:34,287 --> 00:48:36,367 Here, you take it. 1087 00:48:36,414 --> 00:48:39,084 A-Are they arresting him? Wait, are you arresting him? 1088 00:48:39,125 --> 00:48:41,705 - Sit down, sir. - B-B-But you-you can't do that. 1089 00:48:41,753 --> 00:48:43,633 - He-He's just talking. - I mean it. 1090 00:48:43,671 --> 00:48:46,761 Look, I understand you don't like it. I don't either, really. 1091 00:48:46,799 --> 00:48:50,389 It was obscene, repulsive, that girl was clearly very cold. 1092 00:48:50,428 --> 00:48:51,798 Who wants to see that? 1093 00:48:51,846 --> 00:48:54,806 But that's not really for you to decide, is it? 1094 00:48:54,849 --> 00:48:56,639 Listen to the man, he's wearing two sweaters. 1095 00:48:56,684 --> 00:48:58,694 I'm telling you for the last time, sir, sit down. 1096 00:48:58,728 --> 00:49:01,518 I won't sit down. I don't have to sit down. 1097 00:49:01,564 --> 00:49:03,824 I have the right to stand, don't I? 1098 00:49:03,858 --> 00:49:07,318 - Wh-What, i-is standing and talking illegal now? 1099 00:49:07,362 --> 00:49:09,532 - Or just standing? - Okay, you want to come, too? 1100 00:49:09,572 --> 00:49:12,912 Right. How about leaning? Where do you land on leaning? 1101 00:49:22,960 --> 00:49:25,550 Gandhi went to jail. 1102 00:49:25,588 --> 00:49:29,338 Galileo died under house arrest. Emma Goldman was deported. 1103 00:49:29,384 --> 00:49:32,184 I just tell jokes, man, that's all. 1104 00:49:33,388 --> 00:49:34,808 You misspoke, though. 1105 00:49:35,932 --> 00:49:37,732 I'm sorry? 1106 00:49:37,767 --> 00:49:39,517 You called the woman Miss September. 1107 00:49:39,560 --> 00:49:40,770 She was Miss December. 1108 00:49:40,812 --> 00:49:42,812 Oh, yeah? 1109 00:49:42,855 --> 00:49:44,435 Yeah. There was a wreath 1110 00:49:44,482 --> 00:49:46,862 in the lower left corner. 1111 00:49:49,821 --> 00:49:52,451 I think you still made your point, though. 1112 00:49:55,159 --> 00:49:57,909 The flowers were very nice, by the way. 1113 00:50:00,707 --> 00:50:02,667 Are you in? Yeah, I'm in. Me, too. 1114 00:50:02,709 --> 00:50:04,589 - I'm out. - Oh, such a girl. 1115 00:50:04,627 --> 00:50:05,797 Give me one. 1116 00:50:05,837 --> 00:50:07,477 So who else do you know? Annette Funicello? 1117 00:50:07,505 --> 00:50:08,665 - No. - Give me three. 1118 00:50:08,715 --> 00:50:09,875 - Barbara Stanwyck? - Nope. 1119 00:50:09,924 --> 00:50:11,094 Ava Gardner? 1120 00:50:11,134 --> 00:50:13,644 No, guys, no. I don't know people like that. 1121 00:50:13,678 --> 00:50:16,218 - But you're in show business. - We don't all hang out together. 1122 00:50:16,264 --> 00:50:17,814 Do you know Jayne Mansfield? 1123 00:50:17,849 --> 00:50:20,179 Actually, her I know. She's my cat's godmother. 1124 00:50:20,226 --> 00:50:21,436 Really? 1125 00:50:21,477 --> 00:50:23,857 No. Jesus. You guys are so gullible. 1126 00:50:23,896 --> 00:50:26,266 - I'm out. - Hey, Myerson. 1127 00:50:26,315 --> 00:50:28,275 Your girl's back and she's looking for you. 1128 00:50:28,317 --> 00:50:30,777 Shit. Okay, I got to go. 1129 00:50:30,820 --> 00:50:32,450 Hey, listen, I have three of a kind, 1130 00:50:32,488 --> 00:50:34,988 - so if you can beat that, the pot's yours. 1131 00:50:35,032 --> 00:50:38,082 Ah, I got nothing! 1132 00:50:38,119 --> 00:50:39,329 Hey! 1133 00:50:43,124 --> 00:50:46,004 ♪ Do do-do do do-do do wop wop ♪ 1134 00:50:46,043 --> 00:50:48,503 ♪ Do do-do do do do wop wop ♪ 1135 00:50:48,546 --> 00:50:51,086 ♪ Do do-do do do do wop wop ♪ 1136 00:50:51,132 --> 00:50:53,342 ♪ Do-do-do wop wop, do do ♪ 1137 00:50:53,384 --> 00:50:56,104 ♪ You don't have to be pretty ♪ 1138 00:50:56,137 --> 00:50:58,217 ♪ You don't have to wear fine clothes ♪ 1139 00:50:58,264 --> 00:51:00,274 ♪ All you gotta do is just walk along... ♪ 1140 00:51:00,308 --> 00:51:02,188 - Hey. - Where have you been? 1141 00:51:02,226 --> 00:51:04,846 I've been here so long, I almost had to go home and change again. 1142 00:51:04,896 --> 00:51:06,606 - It's a good outfit. - Thanks. 1143 00:51:06,647 --> 00:51:08,357 - Where's Shy? - I don't know. 1144 00:51:08,399 --> 00:51:10,439 I don't see him or any of the band here yet. 1145 00:51:10,485 --> 00:51:12,695 Well, maybe they tell time like you do. 1146 00:51:12,737 --> 00:51:15,027 Uh, Mitchell, where's everyone else? 1147 00:51:15,072 --> 00:51:16,122 Everyone who? 1148 00:51:16,157 --> 00:51:17,117 Shy. The band. 1149 00:51:17,158 --> 00:51:18,448 Oh, they're not coming. 1150 00:51:18,493 --> 00:51:19,723 What do you mean they're not coming? 1151 00:51:19,744 --> 00:51:20,804 This is a dance for the boys. 1152 00:51:20,828 --> 00:51:21,788 We didn't need a band. 1153 00:51:21,829 --> 00:51:23,709 - But you told me to be here. - I know. 1154 00:51:23,748 --> 00:51:25,478 We needed to make sure there were enough girls to go around. 1155 00:51:25,500 --> 00:51:26,890 You know, a room full of sure things. 1156 00:51:26,918 --> 00:51:28,038 What are you talking about? 1157 00:51:28,085 --> 00:51:29,125 Well, the base is far. 1158 00:51:29,170 --> 00:51:30,230 We have to ship girls in from Jersey. 1159 00:51:30,254 --> 00:51:31,574 Another busload should be arriving soon 1160 00:51:31,589 --> 00:51:33,049 if you're worried about the workload. 1161 00:51:33,090 --> 00:51:35,720 I'm sorry, what exactly do you expect me to do with these guys? 1162 00:51:35,760 --> 00:51:37,140 Dance. Just dance. 1163 00:51:37,178 --> 00:51:38,968 She's not a dancer. She's a goddamn comic. 1164 00:51:39,013 --> 00:51:41,243 Yes, but, unfortunately, she's also extremely attractive. 1165 00:51:41,265 --> 00:51:42,975 Well, that is very flattering. 1166 00:51:43,017 --> 00:51:44,557 And I did take ballet as a girl. 1167 00:51:44,602 --> 00:51:46,152 Hey. Do not let that sway you. 1168 00:51:46,187 --> 00:51:47,977 - Stay mad. - It's her patriotic duty. 1169 00:51:48,022 --> 00:51:49,322 Look around. 1170 00:51:49,357 --> 00:51:51,037 Ten percent of these boys are gonna wind up dead. 1171 00:51:51,067 --> 00:51:52,397 You're not even at war. 1172 00:51:52,443 --> 00:51:54,003 What, are they gonna have a car accident? 1173 00:51:54,028 --> 00:51:56,158 Trip on the tarmac and get run over by a plane? 1174 00:51:56,197 --> 00:51:57,407 Happened twice. 1175 00:51:57,448 --> 00:51:59,408 Ah, great. The bus. 1176 00:51:59,450 --> 00:52:01,240 Well, this isn't humiliating at all. 1177 00:52:01,285 --> 00:52:02,745 I say let's go. 1178 00:52:02,787 --> 00:52:04,037 No, it's a dance. 1179 00:52:04,080 --> 00:52:05,960 For the boys. I can dance. 1180 00:52:05,998 --> 00:52:08,878 Geez, what part of Jersey are these woofers from? 1181 00:52:08,918 --> 00:52:11,628 You are gonna be very popular tonight. 1182 00:52:11,671 --> 00:52:13,301 You think that punch is spiked? 1183 00:52:13,339 --> 00:52:15,299 It is now. 1184 00:52:15,341 --> 00:52:17,801 Hey, listen, uh... 1185 00:52:17,844 --> 00:52:19,644 before you completely debase yourself 1186 00:52:19,679 --> 00:52:21,219 - for your country... - Mm. 1187 00:52:21,264 --> 00:52:23,224 There's something I need to tell you. 1188 00:52:23,266 --> 00:52:25,976 Is it that I'm unfortunately extremely attractive? 1189 00:52:26,018 --> 00:52:27,768 It is not. 1190 00:52:29,605 --> 00:52:30,895 I have a chance, 1191 00:52:30,940 --> 00:52:32,440 an opportunity to do something. 1192 00:52:32,483 --> 00:52:33,443 It's pretty big. 1193 00:52:33,484 --> 00:52:34,824 Ooh. Exciting. What? 1194 00:52:34,861 --> 00:52:37,411 I'm gonna manage Sophie Lennon. 1195 00:52:37,446 --> 00:52:39,366 - Who? - Sophie Lennon. 1196 00:52:39,407 --> 00:52:41,327 - You're gonna... - Manage Sophie Lennon. 1197 00:52:41,367 --> 00:52:43,577 - This is a joke, right? - Hey, let's dance! 1198 00:52:46,122 --> 00:52:48,252 ♪ You can put a wiggle in a shimmy sack... ♪ 1199 00:52:48,291 --> 00:52:50,671 Christ. Move. 1200 00:52:50,710 --> 00:52:53,250 ♪ Now, listen to me, little girl ♪ 1201 00:52:53,296 --> 00:52:55,586 ♪ You're as cute as you can be ♪ 1202 00:52:55,631 --> 00:52:57,151 ♪ But forget all about your beauty, girl... ♪ 1203 00:52:57,174 --> 00:52:58,844 Tell me it's a fucking joke. 1204 00:52:58,885 --> 00:53:00,355 - Hey, where'd you go? - Jesus. No, it's not... 1205 00:53:00,386 --> 00:53:03,256 ♪ Do do-do do do-do do wop wop ♪ 1206 00:53:03,306 --> 00:53:05,676 ♪ Do do-do do do-do do wop wop ♪ 1207 00:53:05,725 --> 00:53:07,385 ♪ Do-do-do do do do... ♪ 1208 00:53:07,435 --> 00:53:08,945 Because, clearly, it has got to be a joke. 1209 00:53:08,978 --> 00:53:10,458 - There is no way you could - Let's go! 1210 00:53:10,479 --> 00:53:12,859 Seriously be telling me that you are... 1211 00:53:12,899 --> 00:53:15,649 Excuse me. Please stop. 1212 00:53:15,693 --> 00:53:17,193 Look. 1213 00:53:17,236 --> 00:53:18,946 Look, I-I know this is a shock, 1214 00:53:18,988 --> 00:53:20,278 and I get why you'd be mad. 1215 00:53:20,323 --> 00:53:21,453 Uh, mad? Oh, no, I'm not... 1216 00:53:21,490 --> 00:53:22,530 Stop. 1217 00:53:22,575 --> 00:53:23,695 I'm not mad. 1218 00:53:23,743 --> 00:53:25,453 I am too angry to be mad. 1219 00:53:25,494 --> 00:53:26,664 That doesn't make sense. 1220 00:53:26,704 --> 00:53:28,834 Sophie Lennon is my sworn enemy. 1221 00:53:28,873 --> 00:53:30,253 Hey, maybe don't say "sworn enemy" 1222 00:53:30,291 --> 00:53:31,921 - in a room full of soldiers. - Susie. 1223 00:53:31,959 --> 00:53:33,919 I didn't go looking for this, okay? 1224 00:53:33,961 --> 00:53:36,421 She summoned me to her house, and I only went because of you. 1225 00:53:36,464 --> 00:53:37,924 - Me? - Yes. 1226 00:53:37,965 --> 00:53:39,755 I wanted to try to smooth shit over 1227 00:53:39,800 --> 00:53:41,050 so she'd stop messing with you. 1228 00:53:41,052 --> 00:53:42,452 And the next thing I knew, she's talking to me 1229 00:53:42,470 --> 00:53:44,600 about how I defended you, how I fought for you, 1230 00:53:44,639 --> 00:53:46,059 and she wants me to do that for her. 1231 00:53:46,098 --> 00:53:48,388 That psychotic giraffe of a woman 1232 00:53:48,434 --> 00:53:51,404 has been trying to destroy me for a year. 1233 00:53:51,437 --> 00:53:52,647 I know. I was there. 1234 00:53:52,688 --> 00:53:54,568 She's a nightmare. A monster. A hack. 1235 00:53:54,607 --> 00:53:55,937 She hates me. 1236 00:53:55,983 --> 00:53:58,323 Hey, Sophie is a big star. 1237 00:53:58,361 --> 00:54:00,321 You understand? This is business. 1238 00:54:00,363 --> 00:54:03,163 You want me to turn down a giant opportunity? 1239 00:54:03,199 --> 00:54:05,329 - Yes. - Okay, then what was all that 1240 00:54:05,368 --> 00:54:07,158 Susie Myerson and Associates bullshit, huh? 1241 00:54:07,203 --> 00:54:08,373 That was your idea. 1242 00:54:08,371 --> 00:54:09,961 I mean, if you are my only client, 1243 00:54:09,997 --> 00:54:11,977 then what are all these other associates gonna be doing? 1244 00:54:11,999 --> 00:54:13,379 Helping you pick out your hats? 1245 00:54:13,376 --> 00:54:14,746 If I am gonna do this, 1246 00:54:14,794 --> 00:54:16,094 then I have to do this. 1247 00:54:16,128 --> 00:54:17,588 And what am I supposed to do? 1248 00:54:17,630 --> 00:54:20,010 Just forget the fact that she had me blackballed 1249 00:54:20,049 --> 00:54:21,719 from every club in town? 1250 00:54:21,759 --> 00:54:23,929 If I'm her manager, I'm sure that will stop. 1251 00:54:23,970 --> 00:54:26,430 Are you kidding me? 1252 00:54:26,472 --> 00:54:28,682 Look, my apartment is $40 a month, 1253 00:54:28,724 --> 00:54:30,774 and I have to sublet it to Jackie. 1254 00:54:30,810 --> 00:54:33,600 To Jackie... a man that will definitely sit bare-assed 1255 00:54:33,646 --> 00:54:35,186 on my one leather chair. 1256 00:54:35,231 --> 00:54:36,401 There's no choice there. 1257 00:54:36,440 --> 00:54:38,070 I can't afford not to. 1258 00:54:38,109 --> 00:54:40,069 When you make $4,000, I make $400. 1259 00:54:40,111 --> 00:54:41,781 And in case you're wondering, that's less. 1260 00:54:41,821 --> 00:54:43,661 - Fuck you. - This changes nothing. 1261 00:54:43,698 --> 00:54:47,328 Conga! - I... You are still everything to me, 1262 00:54:47,368 --> 00:54:49,248 but I can't go around calling myself a manager 1263 00:54:49,286 --> 00:54:51,076 if I'm not gonna act like a manager. 1264 00:54:51,122 --> 00:54:53,122 So you are definitely doing this? 1265 00:54:53,165 --> 00:54:54,825 I have to. 1266 00:54:56,210 --> 00:54:58,210 Oh! Oh... 1267 00:55:00,006 --> 00:55:02,216 Oh! Oh! 1268 00:55:03,259 --> 00:55:04,429 Oh! 1269 00:55:11,183 --> 00:55:13,193 Abe Weissman. 1270 00:55:35,916 --> 00:55:37,876 Wait. 1271 00:55:37,918 --> 00:55:39,378 What? 1272 00:55:48,345 --> 00:55:49,465 You bailed me out? 1273 00:55:49,513 --> 00:55:50,473 Yes. 1274 00:55:50,514 --> 00:55:51,474 Well, she... 1275 00:55:51,515 --> 00:55:52,885 I bailed you out. 1276 00:55:52,933 --> 00:55:55,353 Okay. 1277 00:56:00,941 --> 00:56:02,941 Thanks. 1278 00:56:04,695 --> 00:56:06,945 I thanked him for the flowers. 1279 00:56:20,336 --> 00:56:24,046 ♪ Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak ♪ 1280 00:56:24,090 --> 00:56:27,260 ♪ Somewhere in this town ♪ 1281 00:56:27,301 --> 00:56:30,551 ♪ See, me and the boys, we don't like it ♪ 1282 00:56:30,596 --> 00:56:33,926 ♪ So we're getting up and going down ♪ 1283 00:56:33,974 --> 00:56:37,274 ♪ Hiding low, looking right to left ♪ 1284 00:56:37,311 --> 00:56:40,651 ♪ If you see us coming, I think it's best ♪ 1285 00:56:40,689 --> 00:56:43,899 ♪ To move away, do you hear what I say ♪ 1286 00:56:43,943 --> 00:56:48,033 ♪ From under my breath ♪ 1287 00:56:48,072 --> 00:56:51,452 ♪ Tonight, there's gonna be a jailbreak ♪ 1288 00:56:51,492 --> 00:56:54,792 ♪ Somewhere in the town ♪ 1289 00:56:54,829 --> 00:56:58,249 ♪ Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak ♪ 1290 00:56:58,290 --> 00:57:01,250 ♪ So don't you be around ♪ 1291 00:57:03,045 --> 00:57:04,795 ♪ Don't you be around ♪ 1292 00:57:14,932 --> 00:57:18,232 ♪ Tonight there's gonna be trouble ♪ 1293 00:57:18,269 --> 00:57:20,599 ♪ Some of us won't survive ♪ 1294 00:57:22,356 --> 00:57:24,146 ♪ See, the boys and me mean business ♪ 1295 00:57:24,191 --> 00:57:27,571 ♪ Bustin' out, dead or alive ♪ 1296 00:57:27,611 --> 00:57:30,871 ♪ I can hear the hound dogs on my trail ♪ 1297 00:57:30,906 --> 00:57:34,576 ♪ All hell breaks loose, alarm and sirens wail ♪ 1298 00:57:34,618 --> 00:57:37,578 ♪ Like the game if you lose ♪ 1299 00:57:37,621 --> 00:57:39,961 ♪ Go to jail ♪ 1300 00:57:41,625 --> 00:57:44,205 ♪ Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak ♪ 1301 00:57:44,253 --> 00:57:48,053 ♪ Somewhere in the town ♪ 1302 00:57:48,090 --> 00:57:51,760 ♪ Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak ♪ 1303 00:57:51,802 --> 00:57:54,352 ♪ So don't you be around ♪ 1304 00:57:54,388 --> 00:57:58,138 ♪ Tonight there's gonna be trouble ♪ 1305 00:57:58,184 --> 00:58:00,694 ♪ I'm gonna find myself in ♪ 1306 00:58:00,728 --> 00:58:04,568 ♪ Tonight there's gonna be trouble ♪ 1307 00:58:04,607 --> 00:58:07,607 ♪ So, woman, stay with a friend. ♪