1 00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:08,960 [coughing] 2 00:00:11,090 --> 00:00:13,130 - [metal clangs] - [lighter clicking] 3 00:00:15,430 --> 00:00:17,750 The Constitution only recognizes 4 00:00:17,950 --> 00:00:20,040 that all people when they are illegal are immoral. 5 00:00:20,240 --> 00:00:22,170 And then they get busted 6 00:00:22,370 --> 00:00:25,000 and they're indecent, and that's where it's at. 7 00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:28,130 Now, the last four years I spent in and out of the courts. 8 00:00:28,330 --> 00:00:30,720 And I figured out, 9 00:00:30,920 --> 00:00:33,100 after four years, uh, why I got arrested 10 00:00:33,300 --> 00:00:34,680 so many times. 11 00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:36,270 Dig what happened. Uh... 12 00:00:36,470 --> 00:00:39,060 I do my act at, oh, perhaps, 13 00:00:39,260 --> 00:00:40,940 Eleven o'clock at night. 14 00:00:41,140 --> 00:00:43,400 Little do I know that 11:00 a.m. the next morning, 15 00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:45,400 before the grand jury somewhere, 16 00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:47,780 there's another guy doing my act 17 00:00:47,980 --> 00:00:51,240 who's introduced as Lenny Bruce... in substance. 18 00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:54,080 "Here he is, Lenny Bruce. In substance." 19 00:00:54,270 --> 00:00:57,330 A peace officer, who is trained for, 20 00:00:57,530 --> 00:00:59,710 to recognize clear and present danger, 21 00:00:59,910 --> 00:01:01,710 not make believe, does the act. 22 00:01:01,910 --> 00:01:05,340 The grand jury watches him work, and they go, "That stinks." 23 00:01:05,540 --> 00:01:07,420 But I get busted. 24 00:01:07,620 --> 00:01:09,800 And the irony is that I have to go to court 25 00:01:10,000 --> 00:01:11,760 to defend his act. 26 00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:13,720 I want to show you this, here. 27 00:01:13,920 --> 00:01:15,180 - [audience groaning] - [man] Again? 28 00:01:15,380 --> 00:01:17,180 Uh, "Criminal Court, City of New York, 29 00:01:17,380 --> 00:01:18,930 Part 2B, County of New York." 30 00:01:19,130 --> 00:01:20,690 [feedback screeches] 31 00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:23,650 Uh, "The honorable judges and" blah, blah, blah. 32 00:01:23,850 --> 00:01:26,500 [muttering] "...attorney." 33 00:01:27,580 --> 00:01:31,070 "By the information filed on April 3, 1964, 34 00:01:31,270 --> 00:01:33,990 the defendants Lenny Bruce and Harold L. Solomon were charged 35 00:01:34,190 --> 00:01:36,780 in two separate counts, giving an indecent performance 36 00:01:36,980 --> 00:01:40,660 in violation of Section 1148 of the penal law of New York." 37 00:01:40,860 --> 00:01:42,620 All right, now that's the grand jury. 38 00:01:42,820 --> 00:01:44,630 That was the first bust. 39 00:01:44,830 --> 00:01:46,460 Uh... 40 00:01:46,660 --> 00:01:49,380 "During the first performance, Bruce fondles the microphone 41 00:01:49,580 --> 00:01:51,380 in a masturbatory fashion. 42 00:01:51,580 --> 00:01:53,430 Second performance, while telling an act of exposure, 43 00:01:53,630 --> 00:01:55,470 Bruce then turned his back toward the audience 44 00:01:55,670 --> 00:01:57,600 and moved his hand outward and upward, below his waist, 45 00:01:57,800 --> 00:02:00,020 in an obvious and crude pantomime 46 00:02:00,220 --> 00:02:03,270 of an act of exposure and masturbation." 47 00:02:03,470 --> 00:02:05,270 Okay, so I said, "Make sure to tell him 48 00:02:05,470 --> 00:02:07,770 it's gestures of benediction, not masturbation." 49 00:02:07,970 --> 00:02:10,400 Because, like, I would never make gestures of masturbation. 50 00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:13,490 Because I like, like, I'm-I'm concerned with, uh... 51 00:02:13,690 --> 00:02:15,570 with, uh, my-my image and I know 52 00:02:15,770 --> 00:02:17,450 you know, what offends chicks. 53 00:02:17,650 --> 00:02:20,450 Uh, what's ugly to them, uh, what frightens them. 54 00:02:20,650 --> 00:02:23,600 So I said, "Tell him it's gestures of benediction." 55 00:02:25,390 --> 00:02:27,540 Okay. 56 00:02:27,740 --> 00:02:29,590 Uh... 57 00:02:29,790 --> 00:02:31,210 Ah, "Three... 58 00:02:31,410 --> 00:02:33,670 Saint Paul giving up fucking." 59 00:02:33,870 --> 00:02:36,260 Okay, what I said there was... 60 00:02:36,460 --> 00:02:38,180 Uh, that's how the bit is reported. 61 00:02:38,380 --> 00:02:40,720 But I said that, uh... [laughs] 62 00:02:40,920 --> 00:02:42,930 Oh, I forget, it's been so long since I did that bit. 63 00:02:43,130 --> 00:02:45,020 Uh... 64 00:02:45,220 --> 00:02:47,480 I said that, uh... [stammers] 65 00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:49,570 I said, uh, how the hell did I do that bit? I said... 66 00:02:49,770 --> 00:02:51,320 Now I see, I... 67 00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:52,940 I forget the bit, I... No, it's weird 68 00:02:53,140 --> 00:02:55,200 'cause I didn't know that was a bit that they... 69 00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:57,490 that they put in there and, uh... 70 00:02:57,690 --> 00:02:59,740 I forget where it, where it started. 71 00:02:59,940 --> 00:03:02,700 I think I was talking about the how the Jews lost... 72 00:03:02,900 --> 00:03:04,540 [audience murmuring] 73 00:03:04,740 --> 00:03:06,500 Ah. 74 00:03:06,700 --> 00:03:08,460 - Hey, do you want to see my dance? - [man] No! 75 00:03:08,660 --> 00:03:10,250 Yeah, I'll do my dance for you, uh... 76 00:03:10,450 --> 00:03:12,090 Here, this is the first time that I've ever danced 77 00:03:12,290 --> 00:03:13,920 in front of an audience. 78 00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:15,970 This is my, uh, my American folk dance. 79 00:03:16,170 --> 00:03:17,570 Uh... 80 00:03:18,740 --> 00:03:21,560 [vocalizing] 81 00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:23,700 [incredulous laughter] 82 00:03:27,830 --> 00:03:29,650 Hello. 83 00:03:29,850 --> 00:03:31,690 Hello. Dirty Lenny's in here. 84 00:03:31,890 --> 00:03:33,570 Dirty Lenny is going on soon. 85 00:03:33,770 --> 00:03:35,490 - The pornographer. - [audience groans] 86 00:03:35,690 --> 00:03:38,200 Uh, look, I really dug working with you. 87 00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:41,200 I did, and, uh... Oh, as Will Rogers once said, 88 00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:43,290 "I never met a dyke I didn't like." 89 00:03:43,490 --> 00:03:45,200 - And, uh, and goodnight. - [♪ Bob Dylan: "Queen Jane Approximately"] 90 00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:47,330 ♪ When your mother ♪ 91 00:03:47,530 --> 00:03:50,850 ♪ Sends back all your invitations ♪ 92 00:03:53,230 --> 00:03:56,720 ♪ And your father to your sister... 93 00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:58,130 Lenny Bruce. 94 00:03:58,330 --> 00:04:01,350 - Yeah? - You remember me? 95 00:04:01,550 --> 00:04:03,140 Susie Myerson. 96 00:04:03,340 --> 00:04:05,520 The chopped liver yenta from Allerton Avenue? 97 00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:08,020 No. I'm a manager. I'm Midge Maisel's manager. 98 00:04:08,220 --> 00:04:10,560 Didn't you used to be a man? 99 00:04:10,760 --> 00:04:12,520 No, I did not. 100 00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:14,440 Hey, who's holding? 101 00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:16,240 [indistinct chatter] 102 00:04:16,440 --> 00:04:18,650 You're doing some, uh, interesting stuff up there. 103 00:04:18,850 --> 00:04:20,410 Yeah, did you see my dance? 104 00:04:20,610 --> 00:04:22,160 Hey, if you see Slim, 105 00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:24,160 tell him I'm here and he needs to get a fucking watch. 106 00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:26,370 - The show's been over for hours. - You got it, Lenny. 107 00:04:26,570 --> 00:04:27,910 Hey, Lenny, you want to get out of here? 108 00:04:28,110 --> 00:04:29,370 Go somewhere to talk? 109 00:04:29,570 --> 00:04:31,250 [inhales] Shit. 110 00:04:31,450 --> 00:04:33,090 I remember you now. 111 00:04:33,290 --> 00:04:34,800 Gaslight? 112 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:37,050 Yes. Gaslight. Long time ago. 113 00:04:37,250 --> 00:04:38,930 I'm a manager now. 114 00:04:39,120 --> 00:04:40,470 - Of the Gaslight? - No. 115 00:04:40,670 --> 00:04:42,550 I'm a talent manager. 116 00:04:42,750 --> 00:04:44,760 I'm Midge Maisel's manager. 117 00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:46,930 I'm Dick Gregory's manager. I'm Phyllis Diller's manager. 118 00:04:47,130 --> 00:04:49,770 I'm Eartha Kitt's manager. I'm a lot of people's manager. 119 00:04:49,970 --> 00:04:52,020 Listen, let's just go get some food, huh? Some coffee. 120 00:04:52,220 --> 00:04:53,860 No, I'm not hungry. 121 00:04:54,060 --> 00:04:55,440 Then let's just get you back on your feet. 122 00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:57,710 - How about that? - Back on my feet? 123 00:04:59,130 --> 00:05:02,240 What I saw out there tonight was a fucking disgrace. 124 00:05:02,440 --> 00:05:04,950 Nobody wants to see you babble on about bullshit, man. 125 00:05:05,150 --> 00:05:06,660 They want you to be funny. 126 00:05:06,860 --> 00:05:08,500 You forget how to tell a joke or make 127 00:05:08,700 --> 00:05:11,040 an observation without a fucking case number attached to it? 128 00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:13,250 I'm an observational cat, dig? 129 00:05:13,450 --> 00:05:15,800 I observe and then I report. That's all I can do. 130 00:05:15,990 --> 00:05:17,340 - You can do more than that. - Like sing? 131 00:05:17,540 --> 00:05:18,760 Like club dates. 132 00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:20,970 - Oh, man, come on. - What come on? 133 00:05:21,170 --> 00:05:23,010 The fuck are you talking about, club dates? 134 00:05:23,210 --> 00:05:24,760 There are no more club dates. 135 00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:26,180 This, tonight, was a fluke. 136 00:05:26,380 --> 00:05:27,680 They thought they booked Bruce Lee. 137 00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:29,600 Are you trying to stand up? 138 00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:31,640 I don't know what the fuck I'm trying to do. 139 00:05:31,840 --> 00:05:34,190 Club dates. 140 00:05:34,390 --> 00:05:36,620 Yes, I'm trying to stand up. 141 00:05:38,750 --> 00:05:41,710 I can't step foot in any club east of the Grand Canyon. 142 00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:45,200 I've been pushed so far west, I got nothing left but Catalina. 143 00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:47,330 Next week I'm working on the back of a dolphin. 144 00:05:47,530 --> 00:05:48,870 Jonah and the Whale for a pack of marlin 145 00:05:49,070 --> 00:05:50,660 - and a school of sardines. - I can change that. 146 00:05:50,860 --> 00:05:52,250 Yeah? How? 147 00:05:52,450 --> 00:05:54,920 I have connections. People owe me favors. 148 00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:56,920 You're gonna use your favors up on me? 149 00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:58,500 Why? 150 00:05:58,700 --> 00:06:00,760 Because you are Lenny Bruce. 151 00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:02,800 There's only ever gonna be one of you. 152 00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:04,510 Let's get him back. 153 00:06:04,710 --> 00:06:06,260 Lenny? 154 00:06:06,460 --> 00:06:07,860 Slim's here. 155 00:06:12,530 --> 00:06:14,120 Keep those favors. 156 00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:17,120 Use them for someone worthy. 157 00:06:19,630 --> 00:06:21,650 Congratulations on repping Dick Capri. 158 00:06:21,850 --> 00:06:23,800 He's a good comic. 159 00:06:26,260 --> 00:06:28,090 Hey, Susie? 160 00:06:29,220 --> 00:06:30,790 Is Midge here? 161 00:06:30,990 --> 00:06:33,310 No. Just me. 162 00:06:34,350 --> 00:06:35,970 Oh. 163 00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:42,840 ♪ Won't you come see me ♪♪ 164 00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:45,010 [♪ Petula Clark: "Downtown"] 165 00:06:45,210 --> 00:06:47,720 ♪ You can forget all your troubles ♪ 166 00:06:47,920 --> 00:06:49,850 ♪ Forget all your cares ♪ 167 00:06:50,050 --> 00:06:51,930 ♪ So go downtown ♪ 168 00:06:52,130 --> 00:06:53,430 ♪ Things will be great... 169 00:06:53,630 --> 00:06:56,310 - Well? - No. 170 00:06:56,510 --> 00:06:58,400 ♪ No finer place for sure... 171 00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:00,940 You tell him you talked to Albert Grossman? 172 00:07:01,140 --> 00:07:02,900 He's a mess, Miriam. 173 00:07:03,100 --> 00:07:05,050 ♪ For you... 174 00:07:07,010 --> 00:07:09,620 - You want to go in and... - No. 175 00:07:09,820 --> 00:07:11,760 No. 176 00:07:13,050 --> 00:07:15,370 Look, I'm gonna be in L.A. next month. 177 00:07:15,570 --> 00:07:17,250 If he's around, I will try again. 178 00:07:17,450 --> 00:07:19,880 ♪ Downtown... 179 00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:22,420 Come on, let's go get drunk. 180 00:07:22,620 --> 00:07:24,720 ♪ Where they never close ♪ 181 00:07:24,920 --> 00:07:26,470 ♪ Downtown... 182 00:07:26,670 --> 00:07:28,430 [exhales] 183 00:07:28,630 --> 00:07:31,010 ♪ To the rhythm of a gentle bossa nova ♪ 184 00:07:31,210 --> 00:07:35,350 ♪ You'll be dancing with 'em, too, before the night is over... 185 00:07:35,550 --> 00:07:37,940 [door creaking] 186 00:07:38,140 --> 00:07:40,080 [♪ Bobby Short: "I Happen to Like New York"] 187 00:07:44,710 --> 00:07:46,990 {\an8}♪ I happen to like ♪ 188 00:07:47,190 --> 00:07:49,160 ♪ New York ♪ 189 00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:52,030 ♪ I happen to like this town ♪ 190 00:07:52,230 --> 00:07:54,580 ♪ I like the city air, I like to drink of it ♪ 191 00:07:54,780 --> 00:07:58,460 ♪ The more I know New York, the more I think of it ♪ 192 00:07:58,660 --> 00:08:02,040 ♪ I like the sight and the sound and even the stink of it ♪ 193 00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:03,550 ♪ I happen... 194 00:08:03,750 --> 00:08:05,970 - Hey. Buddy, wake up. - [Susie grumbles] 195 00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:07,420 Come on, sleep it off at home. 196 00:08:07,620 --> 00:08:09,050 [grunts] 197 00:08:09,250 --> 00:08:10,970 Okay, move it. Hey! 198 00:08:11,170 --> 00:08:12,390 Stop it! 199 00:08:12,590 --> 00:08:13,930 - You stop it! - Hey. Hey! 200 00:08:14,130 --> 00:08:16,060 Listen! Ow! You're not listening to me. 201 00:08:16,260 --> 00:08:18,350 Ow! [grunting] 202 00:08:18,550 --> 00:08:20,100 [whistle blowing] 203 00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:24,070 ♪ I suppose it's because they all agree with me... 204 00:08:24,270 --> 00:08:25,650 And you're releasing her? 205 00:08:25,850 --> 00:08:27,490 She plays poker with the chief. 206 00:08:27,690 --> 00:08:29,200 Well, I feel very safe. 207 00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:31,220 - Just sign here. - Thank you. 208 00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:35,220 - Okay. - [Susie] Thank you. 209 00:08:36,390 --> 00:08:39,000 - Thanks. - Hello, there. 210 00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:40,710 Thanks for coming. 211 00:08:40,910 --> 00:08:42,420 Got everything? 212 00:08:42,620 --> 00:08:44,300 All you need is your health, right? 213 00:08:44,490 --> 00:08:46,260 Let's go. 214 00:08:46,450 --> 00:08:49,720 ♪ I happen to like New York ♪ 215 00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:52,800 ♪ I happen to love ♪ 216 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:57,320 ♪ New York ♪♪ 217 00:08:59,700 --> 00:09:01,770 [♪ Steve Lawrence & Eydie Gorme: "Harmony"] 218 00:09:01,970 --> 00:09:04,770 ♪ If you won't take my best advice ♪ 219 00:09:04,970 --> 00:09:07,740 ♪ I'm not nice ♪ 220 00:09:07,930 --> 00:09:11,320 ♪ If you don't say that I'm okay ♪ 221 00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:15,580 ♪ That isn't any way to be... 222 00:09:15,780 --> 00:09:17,410 - Here. - Thanks. 223 00:09:17,610 --> 00:09:19,640 You need anything else? 224 00:09:21,810 --> 00:09:24,140 Want to tell me what's going on? 225 00:09:26,230 --> 00:09:28,230 Okay. 226 00:09:29,900 --> 00:09:31,300 Oh! 227 00:09:31,500 --> 00:09:33,300 Hey! Shoot. 228 00:09:33,500 --> 00:09:35,450 Sorry. 229 00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:42,020 I asked her to get you on the show. 230 00:09:42,220 --> 00:09:43,190 What? 231 00:09:43,390 --> 00:09:44,730 Hedy. I asked her, 232 00:09:44,930 --> 00:09:47,110 as a favor to me, to get you on the show. 233 00:09:47,310 --> 00:09:48,230 Oh. 234 00:09:48,430 --> 00:09:49,820 Thank you. 235 00:09:50,020 --> 00:09:51,960 I don't know if she'll do it, but I asked. 236 00:09:53,010 --> 00:09:55,240 I mean, she owes me, so she should. 237 00:09:55,440 --> 00:09:57,830 Maybe she'll feel guilty about everything. 238 00:09:58,030 --> 00:10:00,330 People feel guilty sometimes. 239 00:10:00,530 --> 00:10:02,290 Even if they don't show it, right? 240 00:10:02,490 --> 00:10:04,430 Sure. Sometimes. 241 00:10:05,730 --> 00:10:08,460 Look, I know you never want to talk about anything personal. 242 00:10:08,660 --> 00:10:09,550 That's right. I don't. 243 00:10:09,750 --> 00:10:11,420 But you are so upset. 244 00:10:11,620 --> 00:10:13,930 Well, I was incarcerated, Miriam, hmm? 245 00:10:14,130 --> 00:10:15,940 That changes a person. 246 00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:22,270 I mean, you go on with your life. 247 00:10:22,470 --> 00:10:25,350 You file shit away, you don't expect you ever have to deal 248 00:10:25,550 --> 00:10:28,020 with it again, and then there they are. 249 00:10:28,220 --> 00:10:30,070 You know, walking right back into your life, 250 00:10:30,270 --> 00:10:32,190 uninvited, just standing there. 251 00:10:32,390 --> 00:10:34,490 They don't even have the decency 252 00:10:34,690 --> 00:10:37,030 to get fat or unattractive or stupid or dull. 253 00:10:37,230 --> 00:10:39,550 And now they're blonde. Fucking blonde! 254 00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:43,810 You were... 255 00:10:44,930 --> 00:10:46,930 ...involved? 256 00:10:50,770 --> 00:10:52,920 I was on a scholarship at Pembroke. 257 00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:55,470 I had to work in the dining room, bus tables. 258 00:10:55,670 --> 00:10:58,350 Every day, this rich girl and her friends would come in. 259 00:10:58,550 --> 00:11:00,010 They always sat in my section. 260 00:11:00,210 --> 00:11:02,910 And she'd wave me over, wanting sugar cubes. 261 00:11:03,990 --> 00:11:05,850 Okay, now there were fucking sugar cubes already there, 262 00:11:06,050 --> 00:11:07,480 right in front of her, it didn't matter. 263 00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:09,610 She'd call me over asking about sugar cubes. 264 00:11:09,810 --> 00:11:11,820 Every goddamned day. 265 00:11:12,020 --> 00:11:13,650 Well, finally, I had it. 266 00:11:13,850 --> 00:11:15,490 Told her to fuck off. 267 00:11:15,690 --> 00:11:18,340 Wasn't there to be her dinner theater entertainment. 268 00:11:19,670 --> 00:11:21,200 And she looks at me and she says, 269 00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:23,720 "But I just wanted to talk to you." 270 00:11:25,260 --> 00:11:27,210 That was it. [exhales] 271 00:11:27,410 --> 00:11:29,680 Eight fucking words that cursed my life. 272 00:11:31,850 --> 00:11:35,150 So, just to be super clear, you two were... together. 273 00:11:36,900 --> 00:11:38,340 Meaning what did she see in me? 274 00:11:38,540 --> 00:11:40,510 No, of course not. 275 00:11:40,710 --> 00:11:42,600 I know exactly what she saw in you. 276 00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:44,980 It was an unnatural pairing, okay? I know that. 277 00:11:45,180 --> 00:11:47,270 It was just dumb. 278 00:11:47,470 --> 00:11:49,690 We looked ridiculous together. 279 00:11:49,890 --> 00:11:52,070 I had one warm hat. 280 00:11:52,270 --> 00:11:54,320 Furry, ear flaps. 281 00:11:54,520 --> 00:11:56,240 When I wore it, I looked like her dog. 282 00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:58,110 Like she was taking me out for a fucking walk. 283 00:11:58,310 --> 00:11:59,620 I know that's not true. 284 00:11:59,810 --> 00:12:01,280 We fought all the time. 285 00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:04,080 I hated her friends. She hated going to clubs. 286 00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:06,250 I never met her family. She never met my family. 287 00:12:06,450 --> 00:12:08,000 She chewed weird. 288 00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:09,830 - Hmm. - I always caught her drawing me 289 00:12:10,030 --> 00:12:11,960 when I wasn't looking. 290 00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:14,460 She would spend hours doing her hair. 291 00:12:14,660 --> 00:12:16,820 Boring me stiff talking about art, but... 292 00:12:18,530 --> 00:12:20,390 You know, she was also smart... 293 00:12:20,590 --> 00:12:22,260 and funny. 294 00:12:22,460 --> 00:12:24,520 I actually believed her 295 00:12:24,710 --> 00:12:27,480 when she said after college, we'd move to Egypt 296 00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,560 and rent out camels to rich tourists. 297 00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:31,270 [sighs] 298 00:12:31,470 --> 00:12:33,650 We were gonna adopt four of the ugliest kids in the world, 299 00:12:33,850 --> 00:12:36,240 raise them to be really snobby, arrogant fucks. 300 00:12:36,430 --> 00:12:38,320 Just confuse the shit out of everyone. 301 00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:40,030 [both laugh] 302 00:12:40,230 --> 00:12:41,700 Junior year, 303 00:12:41,900 --> 00:12:43,410 her mother took her to Paris. 304 00:12:43,610 --> 00:12:45,590 And she came back engaged. 305 00:12:47,260 --> 00:12:48,500 [sniffles] 306 00:12:48,700 --> 00:12:51,080 I mean, she didn't marry him, but that was it. 307 00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:53,340 So I dropped out, moved to New York. 308 00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:55,920 Burned that fucking hat. 309 00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:58,800 Oh, Susie. I am so sorry. 310 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:01,340 I didn't know. I never would've asked you 311 00:13:01,540 --> 00:13:03,180 to go to her if I had, never. 312 00:13:03,380 --> 00:13:05,180 No. I'm your manager. 313 00:13:05,380 --> 00:13:07,240 You were right. Had to be done. 314 00:13:10,700 --> 00:13:12,860 Is that the only time you've been in love? 315 00:13:13,050 --> 00:13:14,270 I didn't say love. 316 00:13:14,470 --> 00:13:16,070 Okay. 317 00:13:16,270 --> 00:13:17,820 But yes. 318 00:13:18,020 --> 00:13:19,960 And the last. 319 00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:24,740 I think you'll fall in love again. 320 00:13:24,940 --> 00:13:28,000 Uh-huh. I'm sure it will have the same disastrous outcome. 321 00:13:28,190 --> 00:13:30,140 [Midge] Why would you say that? 322 00:13:33,140 --> 00:13:34,670 Were you ever a blonde? 323 00:13:34,870 --> 00:13:36,170 I was. 324 00:13:36,370 --> 00:13:38,130 College. For a bit. 325 00:13:38,330 --> 00:13:40,010 Yeah. 326 00:13:40,210 --> 00:13:42,150 I figured. 327 00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:46,180 [car horn honks] 328 00:13:46,380 --> 00:13:48,220 Rose, I think we've been had. 329 00:13:48,420 --> 00:13:50,180 Neither of those children are sick. 330 00:13:50,380 --> 00:13:51,730 What are you talking about? 331 00:13:51,930 --> 00:13:53,690 I just overheard them laughing at us 332 00:13:53,890 --> 00:13:55,440 for falling for their scam. 333 00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:57,360 Calling us nitwits and dodo birds. 334 00:13:57,560 --> 00:13:59,740 I felt Ethan's head. He was burning up. 335 00:13:59,930 --> 00:14:01,900 Apparently, he stuck his head under the hot water faucet 336 00:14:02,100 --> 00:14:03,700 - for ten full minutes. - What? 337 00:14:03,900 --> 00:14:06,280 It was Esther's idea. She orchestrated the whole thing. 338 00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:08,370 Well, that's terrible. They should be punished. 339 00:14:08,570 --> 00:14:10,200 I agree. I'm going to the Voice. 340 00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:11,830 Aren't you going to punish them? 341 00:14:12,030 --> 00:14:13,250 I have an editorial meeting. 342 00:14:13,450 --> 00:14:15,380 You're not suggesting that I punish them? 343 00:14:15,580 --> 00:14:17,340 You know, keep it minimal. They're young. 344 00:14:17,540 --> 00:14:19,300 But they did call us nitwits. 345 00:14:19,500 --> 00:14:21,420 Oh, good, their mother can do it. 346 00:14:21,620 --> 00:14:23,300 - Do what? - Discipline your children. 347 00:14:23,500 --> 00:14:25,550 - For what? - They feigned illness and called us names. 348 00:14:25,750 --> 00:14:27,850 - To your face? Bold. - [Esther] Ah-ha-ha! 349 00:14:28,050 --> 00:14:29,520 Now they're rubbing our noses in it. 350 00:14:29,710 --> 00:14:31,680 You also have to tell those people at your work 351 00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:33,560 that this is a home, not an answering service. 352 00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:34,900 I don't know what you're talking about, Mama. 353 00:14:35,090 --> 00:14:36,360 They have been calling all morning. 354 00:14:36,550 --> 00:14:37,940 Six times, to be exact. 355 00:14:38,140 --> 00:14:39,610 I told Alvin I'd be back this afternoon. 356 00:14:39,810 --> 00:14:41,150 - He knew that. - And by the way, 357 00:14:41,350 --> 00:14:43,360 they say that children who lie become violent criminals. 358 00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:45,820 - I have to change, Mama. - Does this not concern you? 359 00:14:46,020 --> 00:14:48,830 - Not particularly. - Hmm. I thought, as their mother, 360 00:14:49,030 --> 00:14:50,580 you might want to do something about it. 361 00:14:50,780 --> 00:14:52,580 - Like what? - How should I know? 362 00:14:52,780 --> 00:14:55,100 And there you have it. I learned from the best. 363 00:14:59,350 --> 00:15:01,350 - [bell dings] - [indistinct chatter] 364 00:15:03,940 --> 00:15:05,680 - Alvin? - Yes? 365 00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:08,050 I will have you know that I am here on time every single day. 366 00:15:08,250 --> 00:15:10,720 - Well... - On time enough every single day. 367 00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:12,180 I do not call in sick. 368 00:15:12,380 --> 00:15:13,680 I do not come in hungover. 369 00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:15,640 - Why is she looking at me? - [Midge] I stay for every show. 370 00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:17,100 I go to every event. 371 00:15:17,300 --> 00:15:18,810 I get you the fresh peanuts at Toots Shor. 372 00:15:19,010 --> 00:15:20,980 I make sure you boys eat, 373 00:15:21,180 --> 00:15:22,730 that the creamer was sold in this century. 374 00:15:22,930 --> 00:15:25,490 I cover for you when you are with your bookie, so... 375 00:15:25,690 --> 00:15:27,490 if I need a couple of hours one afternoon to deal with 376 00:15:27,690 --> 00:15:29,700 a personal matter, you should accept that without calling 377 00:15:29,900 --> 00:15:31,870 constantly like Adam's wife. 378 00:15:32,070 --> 00:15:34,620 I have two children. I have elderly parents. 379 00:15:34,820 --> 00:15:38,420 I have responsibilities that sometimes require my attention. 380 00:15:38,620 --> 00:15:39,540 Is something wrong with your children? 381 00:15:39,740 --> 00:15:41,420 No, besides becoming sociopaths, 382 00:15:41,620 --> 00:15:42,880 my children are fine. That's not the point. 383 00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:44,550 Something happen to your parents? 384 00:15:44,750 --> 00:15:46,380 My parents are fine. I'm just saying you are not taking into 385 00:15:46,580 --> 00:15:49,470 account that I have children or extremely old parents. 386 00:15:49,670 --> 00:15:51,640 - Did you go shopping? - Why, Mel? 387 00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:54,310 Because I'm a woman? And all women do is shop? 388 00:15:54,510 --> 00:15:55,810 No, because you're in a different outfit 389 00:15:56,010 --> 00:15:57,740 from this morning and it has the tag on it. 390 00:15:59,830 --> 00:16:01,480 Okay. Yes. 391 00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:03,730 This is a new dress. But I did not go shopping. 392 00:16:03,930 --> 00:16:05,190 And I did not call you. 393 00:16:05,390 --> 00:16:07,200 Oh. Well, who did? 394 00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,320 Midge, I've been calling you. 395 00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:11,160 Gordon wants to see you. 396 00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:12,700 - [laughing] - Oh. 397 00:16:12,900 --> 00:16:14,430 Sure. 398 00:16:20,730 --> 00:16:22,460 Did she say her children were sociopaths? 399 00:16:22,660 --> 00:16:24,000 Uh-huh. 400 00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:26,520 - [knocking] - Gordon? I got Midge. 401 00:16:28,190 --> 00:16:29,930 Give us a minute, Mike? 402 00:16:30,130 --> 00:16:32,280 Uh... sure. 403 00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:39,730 What happened with Paar? 404 00:16:39,930 --> 00:16:41,610 - What? - He book you? 405 00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:43,320 - Nope. - Was he there? 406 00:16:43,510 --> 00:16:44,690 Yep. 407 00:16:44,890 --> 00:16:46,030 - So he saw you. - He did. 408 00:16:46,230 --> 00:16:47,860 - You didn't wow him? - I was great. 409 00:16:48,060 --> 00:16:49,450 So I guess this "you'll see" that you threw 410 00:16:49,650 --> 00:16:50,780 in my face is gonna have to wait a while. 411 00:16:50,980 --> 00:16:52,320 That's okay. 412 00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:53,660 I'm patient. 413 00:16:53,860 --> 00:16:54,950 Patient? 414 00:16:55,150 --> 00:16:56,500 Mm, funny. 415 00:16:56,690 --> 00:16:58,870 Is that why you called out your hounds? 416 00:16:59,070 --> 00:17:00,620 What hounds? 417 00:17:00,820 --> 00:17:02,460 Yeah. Sure. 418 00:17:02,660 --> 00:17:04,540 Okay. 419 00:17:04,740 --> 00:17:06,210 You win, you're on the show. 420 00:17:06,410 --> 00:17:08,880 The show? This show? 421 00:17:09,080 --> 00:17:10,470 That's the one. 422 00:17:10,670 --> 00:17:12,430 Wow. 423 00:17:12,630 --> 00:17:14,430 Really? 424 00:17:14,630 --> 00:17:16,770 Well... wow. 425 00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:18,140 - Tonight. - Tonight? 426 00:17:18,340 --> 00:17:19,480 You're on the show tonight. 427 00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:20,770 Oh. Uh... 428 00:17:20,970 --> 00:17:21,940 - Problem? - No. 429 00:17:22,140 --> 00:17:23,270 - No problem. - Not convenient? 430 00:17:23,470 --> 00:17:24,610 - I didn't say that. - Want to check with 431 00:17:24,810 --> 00:17:25,900 - your girl, have her get back to my girl? - No. 432 00:17:26,100 --> 00:17:27,110 I can just put the whole show on hiatus 433 00:17:27,310 --> 00:17:28,110 till you decide what works for you. 434 00:17:28,310 --> 00:17:29,650 Tonight is great. Best night ever. 435 00:17:29,850 --> 00:17:31,240 - Love tonight. I'm sure. - You sure? 436 00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:32,630 - I'm thrilled. - I can tell. 437 00:17:34,590 --> 00:17:36,990 Does it bother you that I'm thrilled? 438 00:17:37,190 --> 00:17:39,140 I'm thrilled you're thrilled. 439 00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:42,670 Okay, well, I guess that's it. 440 00:17:42,870 --> 00:17:44,500 Gordon. 441 00:17:44,700 --> 00:17:46,640 Yeah? 442 00:17:49,650 --> 00:17:52,070 - See you tonight. - See you tonight. 443 00:17:57,780 --> 00:18:00,020 You want the door closed? 444 00:18:00,220 --> 00:18:02,350 I do, otherwise when I hurl this glass at it, 445 00:18:02,550 --> 00:18:04,150 it will fly out into the bullpen and hit someone on the head. 446 00:18:04,350 --> 00:18:06,110 - Lawsuits. - Sure. 447 00:18:06,310 --> 00:18:07,860 Yeah, you got to think about these things. 448 00:18:08,060 --> 00:18:09,530 That's why you're the boss. 449 00:18:09,730 --> 00:18:12,340 Yes, the boss. That is me. 450 00:18:14,050 --> 00:18:16,050 [indistinct chatter] 451 00:18:23,680 --> 00:18:25,420 [squeals] 452 00:18:25,620 --> 00:18:27,560 [clears throat] 453 00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:32,550 - [Alvin] It's too obscure. - [Mel] No, it's not, if I ask my mother... 454 00:18:32,750 --> 00:18:34,470 Alvin. I have to go home. 455 00:18:34,670 --> 00:18:36,890 - You just got here. - I know. I have to change. 456 00:18:37,090 --> 00:18:38,600 - [Adam] You just changed. - [Mel] We saw the tag. 457 00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:40,850 - I need a different outfit. - [Alvin] Why? 458 00:18:41,050 --> 00:18:43,350 I am gonna be on the show tonight. 459 00:18:43,550 --> 00:18:45,230 - What? - How? - What happened to the rule? 460 00:18:45,430 --> 00:18:47,520 - Did they change the rule? - Alvin! - That's bullshit, Alvin! 461 00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:49,570 - What the fuck? - What the ever-loving fuck? 462 00:18:49,770 --> 00:18:52,030 Whoa, boys, stop being so happy for me, seriously. 463 00:18:52,230 --> 00:18:54,320 I might cry. I'm going on the show tonight. 464 00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:56,320 And I'm in work clothes. I need show clothes. 465 00:18:56,520 --> 00:18:59,200 - Very different clothes. - How? 466 00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:00,700 I could explain it to you, but there will be terms 467 00:19:00,900 --> 00:19:01,830 like "side darts" and "ruching" bandied about. 468 00:19:02,030 --> 00:19:03,580 [Alvin] Go. Please. 469 00:19:03,780 --> 00:19:05,120 I wouldn't have to change if I got on the show. 470 00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:06,670 [horn toots] 471 00:19:06,870 --> 00:19:07,750 - [Susie] Yank it! - [Maggie] I'm yanking it. 472 00:19:07,950 --> 00:19:09,090 It's not moving. 473 00:19:09,290 --> 00:19:11,250 - Try a jiggle. - If you jiggle, it will fall. 474 00:19:11,450 --> 00:19:13,630 - It's not moving. - What we need is a squirrel. 475 00:19:13,830 --> 00:19:15,260 [Susie] To do what, Maggie? 476 00:19:15,460 --> 00:19:16,890 To go out there and get the package. 477 00:19:17,080 --> 00:19:18,850 So a trained squirrel? You're saying we need 478 00:19:19,050 --> 00:19:20,970 a trained squirrel. Am I understanding this correctly? 479 00:19:21,170 --> 00:19:23,060 - Well, it wouldn't hurt. - This thing is not moving. 480 00:19:23,260 --> 00:19:25,600 Shit. Do you remember who the envelope was from? 481 00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:27,400 The messenger just said delivery 482 00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:29,110 for Susie Myerson and Associates. 483 00:19:29,310 --> 00:19:30,980 Did it ever occur to you to tell him 484 00:19:31,180 --> 00:19:33,400 to just walk two feet to the left and actually drop it 485 00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:34,990 at Susie Myerson and Associates? 486 00:19:35,190 --> 00:19:36,700 - No. - Why not? 487 00:19:36,900 --> 00:19:38,570 Because we have the bucket! 488 00:19:38,770 --> 00:19:40,160 The bucket is fun. 489 00:19:40,360 --> 00:19:41,740 What's scary is that we are three 490 00:19:41,940 --> 00:19:43,550 of the more intelligent people in show business. 491 00:19:44,890 --> 00:19:46,670 How do you like my dress? 492 00:19:46,860 --> 00:19:48,380 Why aren't you at work? 493 00:19:48,570 --> 00:19:50,000 - Do you like it? - Miriam, please. 494 00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:51,460 One ding-dong at a time. 495 00:19:51,660 --> 00:19:53,000 Do you think this is a dress that says, "I'm gonna be 496 00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:54,170 on The Gordon Ford Show tonight"? 497 00:19:54,370 --> 00:19:56,130 Sure. 498 00:19:56,330 --> 00:19:58,180 What? Fuck you. 499 00:19:58,380 --> 00:19:59,970 No, fuck you. 500 00:20:00,170 --> 00:20:02,310 - Are you serious? - I'm Antigone without the laughs. 501 00:20:02,510 --> 00:20:04,100 I can't believe it. What happened? 502 00:20:04,300 --> 00:20:05,730 Gordon called me into his office and told me 503 00:20:05,930 --> 00:20:08,100 - I'm on the show. Tonight. - Geez, short notice. 504 00:20:08,300 --> 00:20:09,480 - He was pissed. - Why? 505 00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:12,110 - Why do you think? - She asked him. 506 00:20:12,310 --> 00:20:14,570 - I think she asked him. - Well, I'll be damned. 507 00:20:14,770 --> 00:20:16,990 - I don't think he liked us going around him. - Tough shit. 508 00:20:17,190 --> 00:20:18,490 That's what you do when a big dead moose is lying 509 00:20:18,690 --> 00:20:20,200 in the middle of the road. You roll the fuck over him, 510 00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:21,910 hack him up and make a stew. 511 00:20:22,110 --> 00:20:24,450 - I'm gonna be on the show! - You are gonna be on the show. 512 00:20:24,650 --> 00:20:27,040 - I'm gonna be on the show. - You're gonna be on the show! 513 00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:28,670 Okay, I have to find my mother. 514 00:20:28,860 --> 00:20:30,250 She is not gonna avoid it this time. 515 00:20:30,450 --> 00:20:31,630 She's gonna come to the studio and she's gonna 516 00:20:31,830 --> 00:20:32,840 sit there and take it. 517 00:20:33,040 --> 00:20:34,590 ♪ That's entertainment ♪♪ 518 00:20:34,790 --> 00:20:36,300 - Dinah, what line can I use? - Line two. 519 00:20:36,500 --> 00:20:38,260 - I'm in your office. - Okay. You! 520 00:20:38,460 --> 00:20:40,800 Get out that Rolodex you've got and call everyone we know 521 00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:42,760 or don't know and tell them to watch the show tonight. 522 00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:44,600 You? You find us that squirrel. 523 00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:46,020 On it. 524 00:20:46,220 --> 00:20:48,160 [indistinct chatter] 525 00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:53,020 - Stay focused. - Focused. Yes. 526 00:20:53,220 --> 00:20:54,900 We're here for 12 uniforms for the supper club. 527 00:20:55,100 --> 00:20:58,400 Only 12. And only the exact uniforms we agreed on last week. 528 00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:00,570 - I brought the picture. - Never say yes immediately. 529 00:21:00,770 --> 00:21:02,530 They will try and lay their crap inventory 530 00:21:02,730 --> 00:21:03,950 off on us just like last time. 531 00:21:04,150 --> 00:21:05,290 I know. I'm still sorry I fell for it. 532 00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:06,290 I don't know what I thought we were gonna do 533 00:21:06,490 --> 00:21:07,290 with all those hoop skirts. 534 00:21:07,490 --> 00:21:08,370 My mother's a born hustler. 535 00:21:08,570 --> 00:21:09,790 Just don't leave me alone with her again. 536 00:21:09,990 --> 00:21:11,420 I've located the uniforms. 537 00:21:11,620 --> 00:21:13,130 They were hidden in the back, of course. 538 00:21:13,330 --> 00:21:14,790 You'd think they'd come up with some new tricks by now. 539 00:21:14,990 --> 00:21:16,710 But there's something else going on here. 540 00:21:16,910 --> 00:21:19,590 There are men cataloguing everything in the place. 541 00:21:19,790 --> 00:21:20,760 What? What for? 542 00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:22,930 I don't know. But I'm gonna find out. 543 00:21:23,130 --> 00:21:25,510 Ma? Pop? I'm here. 544 00:21:25,710 --> 00:21:26,770 [Shirley] Hold on, Joely. 545 00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:28,180 [Moishe] Yeah, we're coming! 546 00:21:28,380 --> 00:21:31,160 You know, it's not too late to go to Macy's. 547 00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:33,810 - Oh, my God. - Don't fall for it. 548 00:21:34,010 --> 00:21:34,900 But they have canes. 549 00:21:35,100 --> 00:21:36,150 Anybody can get a cane. 550 00:21:36,350 --> 00:21:37,440 Hello, Joel. 551 00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:39,950 Just kiss me from there, Joely. I'm fragile. 552 00:21:40,140 --> 00:21:42,200 - What happened here? - It's a long story. 553 00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:43,320 I got time. 554 00:21:43,520 --> 00:21:45,120 Okay. Well... 555 00:21:45,320 --> 00:21:47,490 Manny's in Florida visiting his sister. 556 00:21:47,690 --> 00:21:49,540 [Shirley] So Moishe's been getting up early every day 557 00:21:49,740 --> 00:21:51,460 - to open the factory. - Anyhow, I'm up, 558 00:21:51,660 --> 00:21:53,540 I'm in the shower, I drop the soap. 559 00:21:53,740 --> 00:21:55,920 Bent over to pick it up, and suddenly... 560 00:21:56,120 --> 00:21:57,670 - Whoa! - Bam, I'm down. 561 00:21:57,870 --> 00:21:59,260 - [Joel] Pop, Jesus. - I'm down hard. 562 00:21:59,460 --> 00:22:01,170 - So I call out for Shirley. - Shirley! 563 00:22:01,370 --> 00:22:02,840 - I'm in bed, dead asleep. - A corpse. 564 00:22:03,040 --> 00:22:05,390 Suddenly, I hear Moishe calling out my name. 565 00:22:05,590 --> 00:22:06,390 Now, it's dark. 566 00:22:06,590 --> 00:22:08,060 It's cold. I have nothing on. 567 00:22:08,260 --> 00:22:10,060 - Not a stitch. - Ma, please. 568 00:22:10,260 --> 00:22:11,690 [Shirley] So I grab the first thing I can find 569 00:22:11,880 --> 00:22:13,190 - and I ran in. - Moishe! 570 00:22:13,390 --> 00:22:14,560 But when he fell, he splashed water 571 00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:16,360 - all over the bathroom floor. - [yells] Ow! 572 00:22:16,560 --> 00:22:17,690 I'm down like a rock. 573 00:22:17,890 --> 00:22:19,860 And that rock fell right on top of me. 574 00:22:20,060 --> 00:22:20,900 [Shirley] I thought I broke everything. 575 00:22:21,100 --> 00:22:22,400 My coat was soaking wet. 576 00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:25,160 It was like having a wet yak laying all over you. 577 00:22:25,360 --> 00:22:26,910 [Shirley] The cleaning lady wasn't coming till later 578 00:22:27,110 --> 00:22:28,700 - that morning. - We just lay there. 579 00:22:28,900 --> 00:22:30,330 And talked. 580 00:22:30,530 --> 00:22:33,330 [Moishe] Just talked about everything. 581 00:22:33,530 --> 00:22:35,920 What else can you do in a situation like that besides die? 582 00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:37,380 [Shirley] We haven't talked like that in years. 583 00:22:37,580 --> 00:22:39,380 [Moishe] And for the first time, I really listened. 584 00:22:39,580 --> 00:22:41,010 [Shirley] And I listened, too. 585 00:22:41,210 --> 00:22:42,920 [Moishe] It was a terrific moment. 586 00:22:43,120 --> 00:22:44,880 [laughs] I love you so much! 587 00:22:45,080 --> 00:22:47,300 Anyhow, your mother convinced me I was being silly. 588 00:22:47,500 --> 00:22:49,260 There's more to life than this factory. 589 00:22:49,460 --> 00:22:51,560 And since I'm not keeping it going for you... 590 00:22:51,760 --> 00:22:53,270 Moishe's gonna retire. 591 00:22:53,470 --> 00:22:54,350 What? Really? 592 00:22:54,550 --> 00:22:55,480 Selling the business. 593 00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:57,440 - Everything goes. - Just like that? 594 00:22:57,640 --> 00:22:59,190 Sometimes it takes falling in the shower 595 00:22:59,390 --> 00:23:01,610 for everything to become very clear. 596 00:23:01,810 --> 00:23:03,030 Life is precious. 597 00:23:03,230 --> 00:23:04,610 And it's not all about you. 598 00:23:04,810 --> 00:23:07,820 You have to think about the other people in your life. 599 00:23:08,020 --> 00:23:08,830 What about the workers? 600 00:23:09,020 --> 00:23:09,990 Fuck 'em. 601 00:23:10,190 --> 00:23:11,950 Anyhow, the headline is I'm retiring. 602 00:23:12,150 --> 00:23:13,790 [Shirley] As soon as we can walk again, 603 00:23:13,990 --> 00:23:16,290 we are selling the house and getting a condo in Boca. 604 00:23:16,490 --> 00:23:18,080 Well, I'm stunned. 605 00:23:18,280 --> 00:23:19,630 But happy? 606 00:23:19,830 --> 00:23:21,550 - If you're happy, I'm happy. - [Moskowitz] Mr. Maisel! 607 00:23:21,750 --> 00:23:24,220 Excuse me, Mr. Maisel, there's a phone call for you. 608 00:23:24,420 --> 00:23:25,550 Me? 609 00:23:25,750 --> 00:23:26,680 Okay. 610 00:23:26,880 --> 00:23:27,930 I'll be right back. 611 00:23:28,130 --> 00:23:30,390 Okay, Arch, Arch, come here. Come here. 612 00:23:30,590 --> 00:23:32,220 Let's talk about those uniforms. 613 00:23:32,420 --> 00:23:33,780 Now, I know... 614 00:23:34,910 --> 00:23:35,770 Hello? 615 00:23:35,970 --> 00:23:37,400 Hey. Sorry to bug you. 616 00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:39,690 No. Please, distract me. 617 00:23:39,890 --> 00:23:41,730 I'm gonna be on The Gordon Ford Show tonight. 618 00:23:41,930 --> 00:23:42,730 What? 619 00:23:42,930 --> 00:23:44,280 Midge, this is incredible. 620 00:23:44,480 --> 00:23:45,280 I know. 621 00:23:45,480 --> 00:23:46,950 Can't believe it. 622 00:23:47,150 --> 00:23:48,780 I'm almost afraid to keep saying it out loud. 623 00:23:48,980 --> 00:23:49,780 It might go away. 624 00:23:49,980 --> 00:23:51,280 No. No, it won't go away. 625 00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:52,410 This is big. 626 00:23:52,610 --> 00:23:54,580 It's the break I've been waiting for. 627 00:23:54,780 --> 00:23:56,330 Are you ready? 628 00:23:56,530 --> 00:23:58,290 I'd better be, right? 629 00:23:58,490 --> 00:24:00,750 Listen, if you need to talk about me, 630 00:24:00,950 --> 00:24:02,550 us, whatever, go ahead. 631 00:24:02,750 --> 00:24:04,840 - I don't mind. - Oh. 632 00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:06,260 - Joel... - I mean it. 633 00:24:06,460 --> 00:24:08,010 I'd love to be able to still live in New York tomorrow, 634 00:24:08,210 --> 00:24:09,320 but if not, so be it. 635 00:24:10,820 --> 00:24:12,600 Have I ever told you that you are amazing? 636 00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:13,770 You have. 637 00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:14,850 A lot. 638 00:24:15,050 --> 00:24:16,060 More than I deserve. 639 00:24:16,260 --> 00:24:18,060 Hey. 640 00:24:18,260 --> 00:24:19,850 You want to come down to the studio? 641 00:24:20,050 --> 00:24:22,110 Watch me trash you on national television? 642 00:24:22,310 --> 00:24:24,480 - Really? - Yeah. 643 00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:25,570 I'd like you there. 644 00:24:25,770 --> 00:24:26,780 Wouldn't miss it for the world. 645 00:24:26,980 --> 00:24:28,240 8:30. 646 00:24:28,440 --> 00:24:30,910 I'll leave the tickets under "The one that got away." 647 00:24:31,110 --> 00:24:32,240 You break a leg. 648 00:24:32,440 --> 00:24:34,260 Bye, Joel. 649 00:24:37,260 --> 00:24:38,540 [chuckles] 650 00:24:38,740 --> 00:24:39,540 [giggles] 651 00:24:39,740 --> 00:24:42,540 [Susie singing indistinctly] 652 00:24:42,740 --> 00:24:43,710 Okay. 653 00:24:43,910 --> 00:24:45,880 I'm heading to the studio. 654 00:24:46,080 --> 00:24:47,050 Hold on. I'm going with you. 655 00:24:47,250 --> 00:24:48,880 Can you hold, please? Midge. Elbow. 656 00:24:49,080 --> 00:24:50,470 What? Shit. 657 00:24:50,670 --> 00:24:51,890 - Shit. - What is it? 658 00:24:52,090 --> 00:24:53,600 Shit. It's shit. 659 00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:54,760 - Pigeon shit. - What? 660 00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:56,810 Fuck. Did you lean on the sill? 661 00:24:57,010 --> 00:24:58,810 You never lean on the sill, Miriam. 662 00:24:59,010 --> 00:24:59,850 The sill belongs to the pigeons. 663 00:25:00,050 --> 00:25:00,900 I have to change again. 664 00:25:01,100 --> 00:25:02,190 Into what? One of my suits? 665 00:25:02,390 --> 00:25:04,230 Well, I can't go on like this. 666 00:25:04,430 --> 00:25:05,940 Wait, can we stop by Bergdorf's? 667 00:25:06,140 --> 00:25:07,490 You are not going shopping. 668 00:25:07,690 --> 00:25:08,820 No one has that kind of time. 669 00:25:09,020 --> 00:25:10,030 They'd have to postpone the show by a week. 670 00:25:10,230 --> 00:25:11,240 I have a couple dresses on hold there. 671 00:25:11,440 --> 00:25:12,370 One of them could work. 672 00:25:12,560 --> 00:25:13,870 I'll get them. You get to the studio. 673 00:25:14,070 --> 00:25:15,490 - Really? - Go, go, go! 674 00:25:15,690 --> 00:25:17,540 Why do you let pigeons shit all over your sill? 675 00:25:17,740 --> 00:25:18,660 Because they're pigeons. 676 00:25:18,860 --> 00:25:20,250 Their world is small, Miriam. 677 00:25:20,450 --> 00:25:21,470 Give them something. 678 00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:24,480 [horns honking] 679 00:25:26,190 --> 00:25:27,710 [Midge] "The best advice I have for girls 680 00:25:27,910 --> 00:25:29,170 who want to have babies someday is 681 00:25:29,370 --> 00:25:30,970 live with your parents so they can raise them." 682 00:25:31,170 --> 00:25:32,970 - Maybe. - Mm. 683 00:25:33,170 --> 00:25:35,640 "My kids aren't babies anymore, which is sad for a mother. 684 00:25:35,840 --> 00:25:37,310 Now I have to hear their opinions on the stupid outfits 685 00:25:37,510 --> 00:25:39,600 I..." Too orange. "The stupid outfits I put on them." 686 00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:41,040 No. 687 00:25:42,410 --> 00:25:43,860 "My son thinks I'm funny. 688 00:25:44,050 --> 00:25:45,940 My daughter thinks she's adopted." Too dark. 689 00:25:46,140 --> 00:25:47,360 - The joke? - The liner. 690 00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:48,860 You sure you wouldn't like to do it? 691 00:25:49,060 --> 00:25:50,740 Please. You're the professional. 692 00:25:50,940 --> 00:25:53,280 "A lot of people ask me why I go out and perform comedy at night 693 00:25:53,480 --> 00:25:55,030 when I have two young kids at home." No. 694 00:25:55,230 --> 00:25:57,660 "And I tell them, 'Because they're bad laughers.'" No. 695 00:25:57,860 --> 00:25:59,750 Yeah, I'm wondering if I should mention the kids at all. 696 00:25:59,950 --> 00:26:02,250 Mm, kids are relatable. Those little fuckers are everywhere. 697 00:26:02,450 --> 00:26:04,250 I know, but will people hate a mother making jokes 698 00:26:04,450 --> 00:26:06,130 - about her children? - No. Why? 699 00:26:06,330 --> 00:26:07,800 Because a mother's supposed to love her children 700 00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:10,050 and be soft and caring and bullshit, 701 00:26:10,250 --> 00:26:11,590 - bullshit, bull... Just let me. - Yep. 702 00:26:11,790 --> 00:26:14,090 Got 'em. I had them reinforce all the hooks and buttons 703 00:26:14,290 --> 00:26:16,220 so there's no surprises on national television. 704 00:26:16,420 --> 00:26:18,060 Plus, I didn't know what your stocking situation was, 705 00:26:18,260 --> 00:26:19,890 so I got you a couple extra pairs. 706 00:26:20,090 --> 00:26:21,430 Dinah, will you marry me? 707 00:26:21,630 --> 00:26:22,940 I am not marrying a comedian. 708 00:26:23,140 --> 00:26:24,520 Fair enough. How much do I owe you? 709 00:26:24,720 --> 00:26:25,520 Nothing. 710 00:26:25,720 --> 00:26:26,770 You are not paying for this. 711 00:26:26,970 --> 00:26:28,320 I am not paying for this. 712 00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:30,740 - I am not paying for this. - No one is paying for this. 713 00:26:30,930 --> 00:26:32,360 I told them you'd be wearing one of these fine dresses 714 00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:33,530 on The Gordon Ford Show tonight, 715 00:26:33,730 --> 00:26:34,700 so as long as you mention Bergdorf's, 716 00:26:34,900 --> 00:26:35,910 it's all free. 717 00:26:36,110 --> 00:26:37,660 Dinah, are you sure you won't marry me? 718 00:26:37,860 --> 00:26:39,410 - [chuckles] - Let's get back to the set order, please. 719 00:26:39,610 --> 00:26:40,700 Time's a-tickin'. 720 00:26:40,900 --> 00:26:42,960 I think I should pull back on the kid stuff. 721 00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:45,080 Okay, but you know if you do, the minute you open your mouth, 722 00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:47,000 the first thing that comes out will be "I hate kids. 723 00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:48,250 You can all suck my dick." 724 00:26:48,450 --> 00:26:49,750 I don't think that'll be the first thing 725 00:26:49,950 --> 00:26:51,300 - that comes out of my mouth. - Midge! 726 00:26:51,500 --> 00:26:52,300 Success! 727 00:26:52,500 --> 00:26:53,730 Excellent. 728 00:26:54,820 --> 00:26:56,510 - He's on Millie's line. - [indistinct chatter] 729 00:26:56,710 --> 00:26:58,640 - This one right here. - Here. 730 00:26:58,840 --> 00:27:01,100 - Hi. - My God, you people are hard to find. 731 00:27:01,300 --> 00:27:02,100 What are you talking about? 732 00:27:02,300 --> 00:27:03,350 I've been looking for you. 733 00:27:03,550 --> 00:27:05,060 - I'm at work. - I know that now. 734 00:27:05,260 --> 00:27:07,360 Well, then, mystery solved. Goodbye, Miriam. 735 00:27:07,550 --> 00:27:08,610 I-I've been trying to get ahold of Mama, 736 00:27:08,810 --> 00:27:10,150 but she's been on the phone for four hours 737 00:27:10,350 --> 00:27:11,480 and she wasn't home when I was there earlier. 738 00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:12,690 Why were you home earlier? 739 00:27:12,890 --> 00:27:13,700 I went home to change. 740 00:27:13,890 --> 00:27:14,740 - Again? - Yes. 741 00:27:14,940 --> 00:27:16,280 For the second time today? 742 00:27:16,480 --> 00:27:17,780 Yes. Well, third time, 743 00:27:17,980 --> 00:27:19,620 once Dinah got here with my dress from Bergdorf's. 744 00:27:19,820 --> 00:27:22,620 I need someone young to listen in on this and explain it to me. 745 00:27:22,820 --> 00:27:24,390 Listen, I have amazing news. 746 00:27:25,430 --> 00:27:27,710 I am gonna be on The Gordon Ford Show tonight. 747 00:27:27,910 --> 00:27:29,840 - Doing what? - Stand-up. 748 00:27:30,040 --> 00:27:31,250 You're a guest? 749 00:27:31,450 --> 00:27:33,340 - I am a guest. - Well, I'll be. 750 00:27:33,540 --> 00:27:34,840 I've been trying to get ahold of Mama 751 00:27:35,040 --> 00:27:37,090 because I have two tickets for you guys to come down and watch. 752 00:27:37,290 --> 00:27:38,470 We go live tonight at 9:00, 753 00:27:38,670 --> 00:27:40,350 so you have to be in your seat at 8:30. 754 00:27:40,550 --> 00:27:41,720 8:30. Okay. 755 00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:43,100 - We'll be there. - Great. 756 00:27:43,300 --> 00:27:44,430 I have to go. I'm... 757 00:27:44,630 --> 00:27:46,060 sitting here in the bullpen in my underwear... 758 00:27:46,260 --> 00:27:47,400 - I don't want to hear anymore. - But I... 759 00:27:47,590 --> 00:27:49,190 Not a word. See you tonight. 760 00:27:49,390 --> 00:27:50,650 Uh, wait! Miriam. 761 00:27:50,850 --> 00:27:52,440 Yes? 762 00:27:52,640 --> 00:27:54,190 This is... 763 00:27:54,390 --> 00:27:56,170 really wonderful. 764 00:27:58,420 --> 00:28:00,340 Thank you, Papa. 765 00:28:02,590 --> 00:28:03,620 [sniffles] 766 00:28:03,820 --> 00:28:05,180 [sighs] 767 00:28:06,220 --> 00:28:08,290 Oh. Uh... [stammers] 768 00:28:08,490 --> 00:28:10,270 - Monologue doesn't write itself, boys. - [whistling] 769 00:28:12,850 --> 00:28:14,810 Rose! 770 00:28:16,190 --> 00:28:17,340 Rose! [panting] 771 00:28:17,540 --> 00:28:18,800 Uh, no. Stop right there. 772 00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:20,430 I just got everyone placed. 773 00:28:20,630 --> 00:28:22,510 Come on. We have to get going. 774 00:28:22,710 --> 00:28:25,060 - Where? - I got a call from Miriam. 775 00:28:25,260 --> 00:28:28,520 She is going to be on The Gordon Ford Show tonight. 776 00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:30,230 She's going to do her act. 777 00:28:30,430 --> 00:28:32,520 Oh. Well, good for her. 778 00:28:32,720 --> 00:28:34,110 We have to be there by 8:30. 779 00:28:34,310 --> 00:28:36,780 So do whatever you have to do here to leave the house, 780 00:28:36,980 --> 00:28:38,530 because we have to go. 781 00:28:38,730 --> 00:28:39,700 I'm not going. 782 00:28:39,900 --> 00:28:42,330 What do you mean you're not going? 783 00:28:42,520 --> 00:28:45,160 - Miriam is going to be on television. - [sighs] 784 00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:47,080 If she wanted me to be there, she would've called me 785 00:28:47,280 --> 00:28:48,080 and asked me herself. 786 00:28:48,280 --> 00:28:49,750 She called you and asked you. 787 00:28:49,950 --> 00:28:51,540 You go and tell me how she was. 788 00:28:51,740 --> 00:28:53,540 She said she's been calling you 789 00:28:53,740 --> 00:28:55,840 and the line has been busy for four hours. 790 00:28:56,040 --> 00:28:56,840 And you believe that? 791 00:28:57,040 --> 00:28:58,130 Why would she lie? 792 00:28:58,330 --> 00:28:59,430 Because she's a compulsive liar, 793 00:28:59,630 --> 00:29:00,590 just like her children. 794 00:29:00,790 --> 00:29:02,550 - I don't think that's true. - How long 795 00:29:02,750 --> 00:29:04,640 did she lie to us about doing stand-up comedy? 796 00:29:04,840 --> 00:29:07,480 Hmm? And about Susie being a plumber? 797 00:29:07,670 --> 00:29:10,230 When she called us during Ethan's fake birthday party, 798 00:29:10,430 --> 00:29:12,520 she said she was in Prague, when she was really back in New York. 799 00:29:12,720 --> 00:29:15,190 And I was most certainly not on the phone for four hours. 800 00:29:15,390 --> 00:29:17,030 I'm not a 14-year-old bobby-soxer 801 00:29:17,230 --> 00:29:18,650 planning to elope with Elvis. 802 00:29:18,850 --> 00:29:20,360 Maybe there's something wrong with the phone. 803 00:29:20,560 --> 00:29:22,200 There is nothing wrong with the phone. 804 00:29:22,400 --> 00:29:24,240 I have been home all day with the phone. 805 00:29:24,440 --> 00:29:25,830 I would know if there was something wrong. 806 00:29:26,030 --> 00:29:27,080 Maybe the phone was off the hook. 807 00:29:27,280 --> 00:29:29,250 {\an8}The phone's absolutely not off the... 808 00:29:29,450 --> 00:29:32,000 {\an8}- [disconnect tone beeping] - [sighs] 809 00:29:32,200 --> 00:29:33,920 Well, that still doesn't prove anyone was trying to call. 810 00:29:34,120 --> 00:29:35,710 [phone rings] 811 00:29:35,910 --> 00:29:37,760 - Hello? - Rose. Thank God. 812 00:29:37,960 --> 00:29:39,300 I've been trying to get you for the past four hours. 813 00:29:39,500 --> 00:29:40,970 Midge is gonna be on The Gordon Ford Show tonight 814 00:29:41,170 --> 00:29:42,470 - and she has tickets for you. - Oh. 815 00:29:42,670 --> 00:29:44,140 Well, thank you for calling me, Joel. 816 00:29:44,340 --> 00:29:46,350 You have to be there at 8:30. The show starts at 9:00. 817 00:29:46,550 --> 00:29:47,430 All right, Joel. 818 00:29:47,630 --> 00:29:49,020 - 8:30. - Thank you, Joel. 819 00:29:49,220 --> 00:29:50,770 I'm supposed to hear you say you'll be there. 820 00:29:50,970 --> 00:29:52,310 [phone rings] 821 00:29:52,510 --> 00:29:54,310 - Hello. - Rose. Finally. 822 00:29:54,510 --> 00:29:55,730 I've been trying you for hours. 823 00:29:55,930 --> 00:29:58,400 Listen, Miriam wanted me to call to make sure you knew 824 00:29:58,600 --> 00:30:00,780 she's performing on The Gordon Ford Show tonight. 825 00:30:00,980 --> 00:30:03,030 - I know, Shirley. - They say to be here by 8:30, 826 00:30:03,230 --> 00:30:04,990 but I would say 8:15 to be safe. 827 00:30:05,190 --> 00:30:07,740 They give out a lot of the free stuff at 8:15. 828 00:30:07,940 --> 00:30:09,540 Frisbees, potholders, 829 00:30:09,740 --> 00:30:11,540 wineglasses with leprechauns on them. 830 00:30:11,740 --> 00:30:12,710 Goodbye, Shirley. 831 00:30:12,910 --> 00:30:14,830 - [phone rings] - Hello. 832 00:30:15,030 --> 00:30:16,250 - [water running] - [quietly] Hello, Mrs. Weissman? 833 00:30:16,450 --> 00:30:18,300 My goodness, you like to talk a lot on the phone. 834 00:30:18,500 --> 00:30:19,840 - I wasn't on the pho... - I don't have time. 835 00:30:20,040 --> 00:30:21,590 Miss Miriam is trying to get in touch with you. 836 00:30:21,790 --> 00:30:24,050 She's going to be funny tonight on The Gordon Ford Show. 837 00:30:24,250 --> 00:30:26,050 - She has tickets for you to come. - Why are you whispering? 838 00:30:26,250 --> 00:30:28,470 Janusz does not want me talking to you people anymore. 839 00:30:28,670 --> 00:30:30,980 He says you are vampires sucking the lifeblood out of us. 840 00:30:31,170 --> 00:30:32,310 [Janusz] Zelda, who are you talking to? 841 00:30:32,510 --> 00:30:34,250 This never happened. Bye. 842 00:30:35,620 --> 00:30:36,480 Okay, so... 843 00:30:36,680 --> 00:30:38,150 [phone rings] 844 00:30:38,350 --> 00:30:39,780 This is Rose Weissman. 845 00:30:39,980 --> 00:30:41,990 - Shh! I got her. - Oh, it's been hours. - Oh, good. 846 00:30:42,190 --> 00:30:43,700 Midge wanted us to call you and tell you that... 847 00:30:43,900 --> 00:30:45,740 - She's going to be on the show. - Yes. And be there by... 848 00:30:45,940 --> 00:30:46,780 8:15 if you want to get the Frisbees. 849 00:30:46,980 --> 00:30:48,470 I know. I heard. Thank you. 850 00:30:50,180 --> 00:30:51,750 - How long do we have? - One hour. 851 00:30:51,950 --> 00:30:53,290 Let's go. 852 00:30:53,490 --> 00:30:55,000 I don't understand why you didn't have 853 00:30:55,200 --> 00:30:56,630 Antonio hail us a cab. 854 00:30:56,830 --> 00:30:58,710 There were no cabs to hail, Rose. 855 00:30:58,910 --> 00:31:00,510 Of course not. You didn't let him blow the whistle. 856 00:31:00,700 --> 00:31:02,220 - What? - The cab whistle. 857 00:31:02,410 --> 00:31:04,090 When he blows the whistle, the cabs appear. 858 00:31:04,290 --> 00:31:06,430 They have to already be there to hear the whistle. 859 00:31:06,630 --> 00:31:08,220 The whistle is not magic. 860 00:31:08,420 --> 00:31:10,100 Antonio is not a wizard. 861 00:31:10,300 --> 00:31:11,770 This is not Narnia. 862 00:31:11,970 --> 00:31:13,730 - Oh, dear. - Well, now we know 863 00:31:13,930 --> 00:31:15,730 why there were no cabs in front of the building. 864 00:31:15,930 --> 00:31:17,730 They are all here. 865 00:31:17,930 --> 00:31:19,520 Find a light. 866 00:31:19,720 --> 00:31:21,650 I don't see a light. Do you have a whistle? 867 00:31:21,850 --> 00:31:24,030 Hello? Cab person? 868 00:31:24,230 --> 00:31:25,950 - Yoo-hoo? - Excuse me? 869 00:31:26,150 --> 00:31:27,870 - 30 Rockefeller Center. - No fares. 870 00:31:28,070 --> 00:31:29,830 - Why not? - Shift change. 871 00:31:30,030 --> 00:31:31,660 - What did he say? - He's not taking fares. 872 00:31:31,860 --> 00:31:33,540 Because you didn't use the whistle. 873 00:31:33,740 --> 00:31:36,060 [cab driver] I'd try the subway, pal! 874 00:31:37,140 --> 00:31:39,040 - Excuse me? Are you available? - No, shift change. 875 00:31:39,240 --> 00:31:40,800 [Rose] Excuse me, we need a cab. 876 00:31:40,990 --> 00:31:42,630 Hey, that was my foot you almost ran over. 877 00:31:42,830 --> 00:31:44,470 - Excuse me, are you available? - No. 878 00:31:44,670 --> 00:31:46,630 - Excuse me? - Taxi! 879 00:31:46,830 --> 00:31:49,010 - Excuse me, we need a cab. - Shift change, lady. 880 00:31:49,210 --> 00:31:51,680 I don't understand why you'd all change shifts at the same time. 881 00:31:51,880 --> 00:31:53,430 How are we supposed to get around somewhere? 882 00:31:53,630 --> 00:31:55,020 Hello there, are you available? 883 00:31:55,220 --> 00:31:57,020 - We're going to 30 Rockefeller Center. - I wish you luck. 884 00:31:57,220 --> 00:31:59,900 Excuse me, we need a cab. We do not have a whistle! 885 00:32:00,100 --> 00:32:02,230 - Sorry, lady. - Excuse me, 886 00:32:02,430 --> 00:32:04,900 we need a cab. I know there's a shift change going on... 887 00:32:05,100 --> 00:32:06,360 Excuse me! 888 00:32:06,560 --> 00:32:08,780 My daughter's going to be on television... 889 00:32:08,980 --> 00:32:11,030 I will pay you ten dollars 890 00:32:11,230 --> 00:32:12,950 - to not change shifts. - Nope. 891 00:32:13,150 --> 00:32:14,910 [Rose] She called me and the phone was off the hook, 892 00:32:15,110 --> 00:32:16,290 which I had no idea was happening, 893 00:32:16,490 --> 00:32:18,500 but my grandchildren can reach it now, it's... 894 00:32:18,700 --> 00:32:20,130 I have ten dollars if you don't change shifts. 895 00:32:20,330 --> 00:32:21,710 Nope, sorry. 896 00:32:21,910 --> 00:32:23,420 [Rose] We've had a very strained relationship since her husband 897 00:32:23,620 --> 00:32:26,470 left her and she became a comedian, which I was hoping... 898 00:32:26,670 --> 00:32:28,840 Twenty dollars to give us a ride! 899 00:32:29,040 --> 00:32:30,640 Plus whatever the ride costs. 900 00:32:30,840 --> 00:32:33,430 And if someone in your family needs tutoring 901 00:32:33,630 --> 00:32:36,270 in advanced algebra or differential equations, 902 00:32:36,470 --> 00:32:38,730 or a favorable theatrical review 903 00:32:38,930 --> 00:32:41,230 in The Village Voice, I can make that happen as well. 904 00:32:41,430 --> 00:32:42,940 What is wrong with the taxi industry? 905 00:32:43,140 --> 00:32:45,230 I offered this man money and services. 906 00:32:45,430 --> 00:32:47,320 I offered that one my wedding ring, nothing. 907 00:32:47,520 --> 00:32:48,900 And still he... wait, what? 908 00:32:49,100 --> 00:32:50,240 He looked at me like I was insane. 909 00:32:50,440 --> 00:32:51,870 How could you offer him your wedding ring? 910 00:32:52,070 --> 00:32:53,410 That belonged to my great-grandmother. 911 00:32:53,610 --> 00:32:55,040 Abe, don't try to change the subject. 912 00:32:55,240 --> 00:32:56,700 What? That was an heirloom. It was priceless. 913 00:32:56,900 --> 00:32:58,500 She wouldn't even wear it. 914 00:32:58,700 --> 00:33:00,830 She sewed it into her wig, so no one would steal it. 915 00:33:01,030 --> 00:33:02,590 A bus! I see a bus. 916 00:33:02,780 --> 00:33:04,090 I wish we had that whistle. 917 00:33:04,290 --> 00:33:06,510 - Ooh, please stop the bus! - Wait! 918 00:33:06,710 --> 00:33:08,340 - Wait! - Stop it now! Stop! 919 00:33:08,540 --> 00:33:10,050 - Do not move! - [Abe] Excuse me? 920 00:33:10,250 --> 00:33:12,390 - [Rose] Excuse me, Mr. Bus Driver! - Excuse me! 921 00:33:12,590 --> 00:33:14,220 [Rose] My daughter's going to be on television! 922 00:33:14,420 --> 00:33:16,370 - [muttering softly] - [indistinct chatter] 923 00:33:29,800 --> 00:33:31,410 There you go, your set order. 924 00:33:31,610 --> 00:33:32,660 Nice and clear. Can you read that? 925 00:33:32,860 --> 00:33:34,280 - I can. - I'll pass it on. 926 00:33:34,480 --> 00:33:36,120 Susie, I can move your dinner with Shel to tomorrow. Do it? 927 00:33:36,320 --> 00:33:37,660 Why am I having dinner with Shel? 928 00:33:37,860 --> 00:33:39,210 Because you said you wanted dinner with Shel. 929 00:33:39,400 --> 00:33:41,120 I hate Shel. Cancel the dinner with Shel. 930 00:33:41,320 --> 00:33:43,630 I firmly believe that's the best order for your set, so... 931 00:33:43,830 --> 00:33:45,040 See, you're fucking with the best order 932 00:33:45,240 --> 00:33:46,840 just as I'm saying it's the best order. 933 00:33:47,040 --> 00:33:48,510 That's a better order. Wait! 934 00:33:48,710 --> 00:33:49,720 Shel took over the condo circuit. 935 00:33:49,920 --> 00:33:51,010 I need to have dinner with Shel. 936 00:33:51,210 --> 00:33:52,680 Cancel cancelling my dinner with Shel. 937 00:33:52,880 --> 00:33:54,600 Alan Shepard. 938 00:33:54,800 --> 00:33:56,260 An American hero. 939 00:33:56,460 --> 00:33:58,180 - Thrilled to have you here. - Thrilled to be here, Gordon. 940 00:33:58,380 --> 00:34:00,480 - I see you got our basket. - I did. It's big. 941 00:34:00,680 --> 00:34:01,730 Well, we wanted you to have a basket 942 00:34:01,930 --> 00:34:03,230 that you could see from space. 943 00:34:03,430 --> 00:34:05,060 Apologies in advance if there are any jokes 944 00:34:05,260 --> 00:34:07,190 about little green men or if the term "thrusters up" 945 00:34:07,390 --> 00:34:09,280 gets shouted out at any point during the show tonight. 946 00:34:09,480 --> 00:34:11,320 Sign a picture for my wife, and all will be forgiven. 947 00:34:11,520 --> 00:34:13,460 Deal. See you out there. 948 00:34:14,630 --> 00:34:16,490 - Maisel. - Gordon. Hello. 949 00:34:16,690 --> 00:34:18,540 I am really excited about tonight. 950 00:34:18,740 --> 00:34:20,500 What are you wearing? 951 00:34:20,700 --> 00:34:22,790 What? Uh, a dress? 952 00:34:22,990 --> 00:34:24,710 Is this a trick question? 953 00:34:24,910 --> 00:34:26,460 Just seems a little fancy. 954 00:34:26,660 --> 00:34:28,340 Well, I don't know. I'm gonna do my act 955 00:34:28,540 --> 00:34:30,460 on The Gordon Ford Show. That seemed to call for fancy. 956 00:34:30,660 --> 00:34:32,010 - Your act? - Yes. 957 00:34:32,210 --> 00:34:33,590 You're not doing your act. 958 00:34:33,790 --> 00:34:35,180 Well, whose act am I doing? 959 00:34:35,380 --> 00:34:36,600 It'd better not be Buddy Hackett's. 960 00:34:36,800 --> 00:34:38,220 'Cause his team is quick to upset. 961 00:34:38,420 --> 00:34:40,220 Let me clear this up for you. You're not coming on to perform. 962 00:34:40,420 --> 00:34:41,980 You're coming on as a writer. 963 00:34:42,180 --> 00:34:43,770 A writer? 964 00:34:43,970 --> 00:34:46,160 See if you can borrow a sweater or something to throw over that. 965 00:34:47,660 --> 00:34:49,280 Susie. 966 00:34:49,470 --> 00:34:51,570 Mr. Ford? Mr. Ford. 967 00:34:51,770 --> 00:34:53,820 Mr. Ford, Susie Myerson. Midge's manager. 968 00:34:54,020 --> 00:34:55,450 I know who you are. 969 00:34:55,650 --> 00:34:57,280 Listen, my client was under the impression 970 00:34:57,480 --> 00:34:58,990 she was performing on the show tonight. 971 00:34:59,190 --> 00:35:00,450 Really? Who gave her that impression? 972 00:35:00,650 --> 00:35:02,200 You. You gave her that impression. 973 00:35:02,400 --> 00:35:03,790 I said she was gonna be on the show 974 00:35:03,990 --> 00:35:05,210 and she is gonna be on the show. 975 00:35:05,410 --> 00:35:06,790 - But not as a comic? - No. 976 00:35:06,990 --> 00:35:08,670 - But she's a comic. - Not here. 977 00:35:08,870 --> 00:35:11,050 Here, she's a writer, so she's gonna come on as a writer. 978 00:35:11,250 --> 00:35:12,420 What does that mean? 979 00:35:12,620 --> 00:35:13,840 She's gonna come out and get hemorrhoids? 980 00:35:14,040 --> 00:35:15,550 It means I will introduce her as one of my writers 981 00:35:15,750 --> 00:35:17,260 and ask her a couple of questions. 982 00:35:17,460 --> 00:35:18,680 She will answer them and that's it. 983 00:35:18,880 --> 00:35:19,970 - Why? - Why what? 984 00:35:20,170 --> 00:35:21,640 Why are you bringing her on as a writer? 985 00:35:21,840 --> 00:35:23,060 Who gives a shit about that? 986 00:35:23,260 --> 00:35:24,640 It's a human interest piece. 987 00:35:24,840 --> 00:35:26,150 Like when a panda bear gives birth in a zoo. 988 00:35:26,340 --> 00:35:28,650 - Only not quite as cute. - She is not a panda bear. 989 00:35:28,850 --> 00:35:30,270 Look, she doesn't need to come on the show at all. 990 00:35:30,470 --> 00:35:31,610 I can bring on Mel. 991 00:35:31,810 --> 00:35:32,900 He actually does look like a panda bear, 992 00:35:33,100 --> 00:35:34,110 so it'll work even better. 993 00:35:34,310 --> 00:35:35,360 - Gordon... - I'm due on set. 994 00:35:35,560 --> 00:35:37,710 I will see you out there. Or not. 995 00:35:40,550 --> 00:35:42,220 What the fuck? 996 00:35:44,850 --> 00:35:47,370 Mike! Mike! 997 00:35:47,570 --> 00:35:49,750 Mike! 998 00:35:49,950 --> 00:35:53,090 Mike! Mike! 999 00:35:53,290 --> 00:35:54,720 [startled chatter] 1000 00:35:54,920 --> 00:35:57,570 Mike! Mike! 1001 00:35:59,150 --> 00:36:02,310 Mike! Mike! 1002 00:36:02,510 --> 00:36:03,930 Mike! 1003 00:36:04,130 --> 00:36:06,190 Mike! Mike! 1004 00:36:06,380 --> 00:36:07,980 Oh, my God! What?! What, Susie? 1005 00:36:08,180 --> 00:36:09,400 What the ever-loving what?! 1006 00:36:09,600 --> 00:36:10,770 He said she was performing on the show. 1007 00:36:10,970 --> 00:36:12,360 - And now she's not. - She's not? 1008 00:36:12,560 --> 00:36:14,610 - She's on the board. - Don't you produce this shit? 1009 00:36:14,810 --> 00:36:17,490 - Why don't you know anything? - Why is she here if she's not on the show? 1010 00:36:17,690 --> 00:36:20,030 Oh, she's going on the show. She's going on as a panda bear. 1011 00:36:20,230 --> 00:36:22,540 I'm sorry, what? Like, in a costume? 1012 00:36:22,730 --> 00:36:24,200 A metaphorical panda bear, Mike. 1013 00:36:24,400 --> 00:36:25,580 I don't know what that is. 1014 00:36:25,780 --> 00:36:27,040 It's bullshit. That's what it is. 1015 00:36:27,240 --> 00:36:28,710 Look, the big decisions are always Gordon's. 1016 00:36:28,910 --> 00:36:31,090 He says he wants to interview her as a writer. 1017 00:36:31,280 --> 00:36:32,500 What does that mean? 1018 00:36:32,700 --> 00:36:33,880 She's gonna come out and get hemorrhoids? 1019 00:36:34,080 --> 00:36:35,510 - That's what I said! - Wow. 1020 00:36:35,710 --> 00:36:37,470 That sounds like unadulterated shit. 1021 00:36:37,670 --> 00:36:39,220 Fix this, Mike. 1022 00:36:39,420 --> 00:36:41,350 - I will see what I can do. - Fix this now! 1023 00:36:41,540 --> 00:36:43,180 I fucking said I will see what I can do. 1024 00:36:43,380 --> 00:36:45,270 [Wes] One minute, ladies and gentlemen. 1025 00:36:45,470 --> 00:36:47,410 - [audience cheering] - [clamoring] 1026 00:36:49,620 --> 00:36:52,020 - What's that? - Last-minute pitch for the opening line. 1027 00:36:52,220 --> 00:36:53,940 Better. Give it to Teddy. 1028 00:36:54,140 --> 00:36:57,360 There seems to be some confusion about Midge's spot. 1029 00:36:57,560 --> 00:36:59,570 Oh, don't get in the middle of this. 1030 00:36:59,770 --> 00:37:01,370 I'm in the middle of this, Gordon. I'm your producer. 1031 00:37:01,560 --> 00:37:03,410 I changed it to a human interest piece, quick interview. 1032 00:37:03,610 --> 00:37:05,620 - Okay, but... [stammers] - [audience applauding] 1033 00:37:05,820 --> 00:37:07,580 - Show's starting, Mike. - [Wes] For those of you still filing in... 1034 00:37:07,780 --> 00:37:09,420 That podium won't man itself. 1035 00:37:09,610 --> 00:37:11,330 [Wes] ...we are less than one minute to air! 1036 00:37:11,530 --> 00:37:13,540 You're in for a great show tonight. 1037 00:37:13,740 --> 00:37:16,340 Now we're about to get going, so keep that energy up. 1038 00:37:16,540 --> 00:37:18,170 This show's a live broadcast, 1039 00:37:18,370 --> 00:37:20,300 - so that means anything can happen... - [Shirley] Rose! Abe! 1040 00:37:20,500 --> 00:37:22,050 Abe, over here, over here! 1041 00:37:22,250 --> 00:37:23,800 Oh, Shirley. 1042 00:37:24,000 --> 00:37:25,510 Where's Moishe? 1043 00:37:25,710 --> 00:37:27,270 Oh, he's on painkillers. He thought he was Eva Perón, 1044 00:37:27,470 --> 00:37:29,020 so I left him at home. 1045 00:37:29,220 --> 00:37:31,190 - Here, Frisbees for you. - [Wes] Just a few things to bear in mind... 1046 00:37:31,390 --> 00:37:33,150 - [Joel] Rose, Abe! - ...no eating and drinking. 1047 00:37:33,350 --> 00:37:35,020 - [Abe] Hi! Hey! - Please no unwrapping candy, 1048 00:37:35,220 --> 00:37:37,190 keep the aisles clear, and if you have to leave, 1049 00:37:37,390 --> 00:37:38,740 please do so quietly. 1050 00:37:38,940 --> 00:37:41,450 Emergency exit doors are on both sides in the back. 1051 00:37:41,650 --> 00:37:44,160 Other than that, make a lot of noise 1052 00:37:44,360 --> 00:37:46,870 when it comes to showing Gordon you're happy to be here. 1053 00:37:47,070 --> 00:37:49,120 [audience cheering, applauding] 1054 00:37:49,320 --> 00:37:51,620 Here we go, lots of applause! 1055 00:37:51,820 --> 00:37:54,130 And five, four, 1056 00:37:54,330 --> 00:37:56,300 three... 1057 00:37:56,490 --> 00:37:58,420 - [playing theme music] - Ladies and gentlemen, 1058 00:37:58,620 --> 00:38:00,970 it's The Gordon Ford Show. 1059 00:38:01,170 --> 00:38:03,050 - [audience cheering] - Tonight's guests... 1060 00:38:03,250 --> 00:38:05,470 astronaut Alan Shepard, 1061 00:38:05,670 --> 00:38:09,100 Broadway sensation Carol Burnett, 1062 00:38:09,300 --> 00:38:11,890 plus a special visit with... 1063 00:38:12,090 --> 00:38:13,980 a Gordon Ford writer! 1064 00:38:14,180 --> 00:38:16,230 - [audience laughing] - Now here he is, 1065 00:38:16,430 --> 00:38:18,190 Gordon Ford! 1066 00:38:18,390 --> 00:38:20,340 - Mr. Shepard? - [Shepard] Okay, ready. 1067 00:38:21,750 --> 00:38:23,320 - Good luck, Miss. - Thank you. 1068 00:38:23,520 --> 00:38:25,240 Nice to have you back on Earth. 1069 00:38:25,440 --> 00:38:27,370 [Shirley] Gordon Ford is a genius! 1070 00:38:27,570 --> 00:38:29,750 ♪ ♪ 1071 00:38:29,940 --> 00:38:33,040 ♪ Someone's being bashful ♪ 1072 00:38:33,240 --> 00:38:37,040 ♪ That's no way to be, not with me ♪ 1073 00:38:37,240 --> 00:38:39,760 ♪ Can't you see? ♪ 1074 00:38:39,950 --> 00:38:43,930 ♪ That I am just as embarrassed as you ♪ 1075 00:38:44,130 --> 00:38:48,220 ♪ And I can understand your point of view ♪ 1076 00:38:48,420 --> 00:38:50,770 ♪ I've always been ♪ 1077 00:38:50,970 --> 00:38:53,140 ♪ Shy ♪ 1078 00:38:53,340 --> 00:38:56,060 ♪ I confess it, I'm shy ♪ 1079 00:38:56,260 --> 00:38:58,610 ♪ Can't you guess that this confident air ♪ 1080 00:38:58,810 --> 00:39:02,530 ♪ Is a mask that I wear 'cause I'm shy? ♪ 1081 00:39:02,730 --> 00:39:05,570 ♪ And you can be sure ♪ 1082 00:39:05,770 --> 00:39:08,950 ♪ Way down deep I'm demure ♪ 1083 00:39:09,150 --> 00:39:11,870 ♪ Though some people I know might deny it ♪ 1084 00:39:12,070 --> 00:39:15,850 ♪ At bottom I'm quiet and pure... 1085 00:39:18,850 --> 00:39:20,630 As much as this night stinks, 1086 00:39:20,830 --> 00:39:23,090 I really enjoyed Alan Shepard's nuts. 1087 00:39:23,290 --> 00:39:24,720 Midge? 1088 00:39:24,920 --> 00:39:26,640 Hello, Midge? Are you Midge? 1089 00:39:26,840 --> 00:39:28,350 That's Midge. 1090 00:39:28,550 --> 00:39:30,060 Oh. Great. Thanks. 1091 00:39:30,260 --> 00:39:32,600 Midge? Hi. I'm Plum. I know. 1092 00:39:32,800 --> 00:39:34,390 It's a terrible fruity family name, but there you go. 1093 00:39:34,590 --> 00:39:35,640 Can we help you, Plum? 1094 00:39:35,840 --> 00:39:37,480 No. I'm here to help you. 1095 00:39:37,680 --> 00:39:39,610 I'm your stage manager for the night. 1096 00:39:39,810 --> 00:39:41,530 What do you mean, "my stage manager"? 1097 00:39:41,720 --> 00:39:43,530 The real stage manager is busy managing the real show, 1098 00:39:43,730 --> 00:39:45,240 so they assigned me to manage you. 1099 00:39:45,440 --> 00:39:47,490 Wait, don't you run the lost and found for the ice rink? 1100 00:39:47,690 --> 00:39:49,700 Not today. 1101 00:39:49,900 --> 00:39:51,410 Shall we go? 1102 00:39:51,610 --> 00:39:54,960 - ♪ Not I, sir ♪ - ♪ Then who, sir? ♪ 1103 00:39:55,160 --> 00:39:57,790 ♪ Where, sir and when, sir? ♪ 1104 00:39:57,990 --> 00:40:00,000 ♪ I couldn't be tenser ♪ 1105 00:40:00,200 --> 00:40:02,250 ♪ So let's get this done, man ♪ 1106 00:40:02,450 --> 00:40:04,720 ♪ Come on with the fun, man ♪ 1107 00:40:04,910 --> 00:40:07,260 ♪ I am one man ♪ 1108 00:40:07,460 --> 00:40:09,720 ♪ The lady is one man ♪ 1109 00:40:09,920 --> 00:40:14,160 ♪ Shy ♪♪ 1110 00:40:15,950 --> 00:40:17,950 [audience cheering] 1111 00:40:19,790 --> 00:40:21,520 Carol Burnett, ladies and gentlemen. 1112 00:40:21,720 --> 00:40:23,730 Just fantastic, Carol. Can't wait to see what you do next. 1113 00:40:23,930 --> 00:40:25,610 And we'll be right back, ladies and gentlemen, 1114 00:40:25,810 --> 00:40:28,110 after a word from our sponsor. 1115 00:40:28,310 --> 00:40:30,950 - [audience cheering] - And we are out. 1116 00:40:31,150 --> 00:40:33,090 Wait here. 1117 00:40:34,550 --> 00:40:36,560 All right, guys, right this way. 1118 00:40:39,060 --> 00:40:40,880 You have to sit on a stool? 1119 00:40:41,080 --> 00:40:42,500 The couch is right there. 1120 00:40:42,700 --> 00:40:44,510 The couch is for the real guests on the real show. 1121 00:40:44,700 --> 00:40:46,300 I'm not allowed to have back support. 1122 00:40:46,500 --> 00:40:47,970 Well, the stool is still on camera. 1123 00:40:48,170 --> 00:40:49,760 You can still make them laugh. 1124 00:40:49,960 --> 00:40:51,930 - This does not have to suck completely, so tits... - Nope. 1125 00:40:52,130 --> 00:40:53,970 - Right. - [man] Girl writer on the stool. 1126 00:40:54,170 --> 00:40:56,120 [indistinct chatter] 1127 00:40:58,410 --> 00:41:00,440 You are on the left, so Gordon can get back 1128 00:41:00,640 --> 00:41:02,150 to his desk as quickly as possible. 1129 00:41:02,350 --> 00:41:04,150 Got it. 1130 00:41:04,350 --> 00:41:06,290 [indistinct chatter] 1131 00:41:07,630 --> 00:41:09,740 Fine, thank you. 1132 00:41:09,940 --> 00:41:12,160 - [Abe] Look at her up there. Look, it's Miriam. - [excited chatter] 1133 00:41:12,360 --> 00:41:14,240 [family clapping] 1134 00:41:14,440 --> 00:41:16,410 [Abe] Over here. 1135 00:41:16,610 --> 00:41:18,960 Miriam, I found your mother! 1136 00:41:19,160 --> 00:41:20,830 The phone was off the hook! 1137 00:41:21,030 --> 00:41:22,380 I went home and got her! 1138 00:41:22,580 --> 00:41:24,500 We took a bus! It was harrowing! 1139 00:41:24,700 --> 00:41:26,460 [Joel] Psst! 1140 00:41:26,660 --> 00:41:28,820 [indistinct chatter] 1141 00:41:35,360 --> 00:41:37,770 - [bell rings] - [Wes] And we're back in... 1142 00:41:37,970 --> 00:41:40,490 five, four, three... 1143 00:41:41,540 --> 00:41:43,900 - ♪ ♪ - [audience cheering] 1144 00:41:44,100 --> 00:41:46,650 [Gordon] And we're back, ladies and gentlemen. 1145 00:41:46,850 --> 00:41:50,070 This is The Gordon Ford Show and I am still Gordon Ford. 1146 00:41:50,270 --> 00:41:52,320 - [laughter] - Now as much as I would love 1147 00:41:52,520 --> 00:41:54,240 to take credit for everything that happens out here, 1148 00:41:54,440 --> 00:41:56,540 I can't. There is an army 1149 00:41:56,730 --> 00:41:59,200 of men and women toiling away in our offices back there, 1150 00:41:59,400 --> 00:42:01,830 so that I can come out here and appear witty. 1151 00:42:02,030 --> 00:42:04,670 - [laughter] - Well, I thought that maybe you might want 1152 00:42:04,870 --> 00:42:06,630 to meet one of them tonight. Would you like that? 1153 00:42:06,830 --> 00:42:08,170 [applause] 1154 00:42:08,370 --> 00:42:10,090 So help me welcome to The Gordon Ford Show, 1155 00:42:10,290 --> 00:42:12,430 our resident lady writer. 1156 00:42:12,630 --> 00:42:14,570 [audience cheering] 1157 00:42:18,160 --> 00:42:20,270 Ladies and gentlemen, meet Midge. 1158 00:42:20,470 --> 00:42:21,770 [Midge chuckles] 1159 00:42:21,970 --> 00:42:24,270 - Hello, Midge. - Hello. 1160 00:42:24,470 --> 00:42:26,730 [Gordon] Now you've been here on the show five months now. 1161 00:42:26,930 --> 00:42:28,730 So I've got to ask the question everyone's thinking. 1162 00:42:28,930 --> 00:42:31,610 In your own words, what do you think of the boss? 1163 00:42:31,810 --> 00:42:33,660 [laughter] 1164 00:42:33,860 --> 00:42:35,370 He's great, Gordon. 1165 00:42:35,570 --> 00:42:36,990 - Handsome? - Very. 1166 00:42:37,190 --> 00:42:38,830 - Charming? - Like the prince. 1167 00:42:39,030 --> 00:42:40,620 Skillful juggler? Good with kids? 1168 00:42:40,820 --> 00:42:42,500 All of the above. 1169 00:42:42,700 --> 00:42:45,380 Midge is one of six writers on my writing staff. 1170 00:42:45,580 --> 00:42:48,000 Now, you may all be wondering what exactly is it 1171 00:42:48,200 --> 00:42:49,590 that television writers do? 1172 00:42:49,790 --> 00:42:51,670 Well, each morning, they gather in the writers room, 1173 00:42:51,870 --> 00:42:54,050 they have bagels and coffee, they read the papers, 1174 00:42:54,250 --> 00:42:55,890 they pretend to know how to pass a football, 1175 00:42:56,090 --> 00:42:57,890 and then just about now... 1176 00:42:58,090 --> 00:42:59,890 they start thinking of tonight's monologue. 1177 00:43:00,090 --> 00:43:02,060 - [laughter] - Always prepared, right? 1178 00:43:02,260 --> 00:43:04,020 I can feel your eyes burning a hole through my head. 1179 00:43:04,220 --> 00:43:05,940 You're lucky I'm not staring at your balls. 1180 00:43:06,140 --> 00:43:08,230 So, Midge, as our resident lady writer, 1181 00:43:08,430 --> 00:43:10,610 let me ask you, what's the difference 1182 00:43:10,810 --> 00:43:12,820 between a male writer and a female writer? 1183 00:43:13,020 --> 00:43:15,110 Oh. Uh... 1184 00:43:15,310 --> 00:43:16,490 While you think of that, let's meet 1185 00:43:16,690 --> 00:43:17,570 the rest of the writing staff. 1186 00:43:17,770 --> 00:43:19,530 Jerry, turn that camera around. 1187 00:43:19,730 --> 00:43:21,250 Ladies and gentlemen, that's Ralph Emerson, 1188 00:43:21,440 --> 00:43:23,120 Cecil Green, Adam Portnoy, 1189 00:43:23,320 --> 00:43:24,750 Mel Rubens, and my head writer 1190 00:43:24,950 --> 00:43:26,790 Alvin Blank. The writers of The Gordon Ford Show. 1191 00:43:26,990 --> 00:43:28,460 My band of merry men. 1192 00:43:28,660 --> 00:43:31,510 - [audience cheering] - Hi! Hi! 1193 00:43:31,700 --> 00:43:33,260 [Gordon] All right, bring it back around on me. 1194 00:43:33,460 --> 00:43:35,300 Okay, where were we? 1195 00:43:35,500 --> 00:43:36,970 Oh, yes, the differences 1196 00:43:37,170 --> 00:43:39,140 between male writers and female writers. 1197 00:43:39,340 --> 00:43:42,060 Female writers write a lot more jokes about horses, Gordon. 1198 00:43:42,260 --> 00:43:44,730 And poisoning our husbands. 1199 00:43:44,930 --> 00:43:47,310 And we like to be held after we pitch. 1200 00:43:47,510 --> 00:43:48,940 - [laughter] - Okay. 1201 00:43:49,140 --> 00:43:50,820 And now a word from our sponsor. 1202 00:43:51,020 --> 00:43:52,360 - What? - What? 1203 00:43:52,560 --> 00:43:54,150 - [Gordon] Go to commercial. - What commercial? 1204 00:43:54,350 --> 00:43:55,650 Find a commercial. 1205 00:43:55,850 --> 00:43:57,800 - [indistinct chatter] - [clamoring] 1206 00:43:59,130 --> 00:44:00,870 - ♪ ♪ - [scattered applause] 1207 00:44:01,070 --> 00:44:02,660 That's it? 1208 00:44:02,860 --> 00:44:05,470 Leave 'em wanting more. 1209 00:44:07,600 --> 00:44:08,710 [Wes] And we are out for commercial, 1210 00:44:08,910 --> 00:44:09,880 ladies and gentlemen. 1211 00:44:10,080 --> 00:44:11,800 Stay on the stool. What are you doing? 1212 00:44:11,990 --> 00:44:13,550 - You still have four minutes left on the bit. - The bit was done. 1213 00:44:13,750 --> 00:44:15,050 - I threw to commercial. - I know you threw to commercial. 1214 00:44:15,250 --> 00:44:16,720 You weren't supposed to throw to commercial. 1215 00:44:16,920 --> 00:44:18,340 - Not for another four minutes. - So I threw early. 1216 00:44:18,540 --> 00:44:19,890 Four minutes early! 1217 00:44:20,090 --> 00:44:21,760 Look, I'll just wrap the show after the commercial. 1218 00:44:21,960 --> 00:44:24,310 You have four minutes after the commercial. 1219 00:44:24,510 --> 00:44:26,140 Are you listening? I know I keep saying it. 1220 00:44:26,340 --> 00:44:28,150 - I'll vamp. - For four minutes? 1221 00:44:28,340 --> 00:44:30,520 - Who are you, Mae West? - What do you want from me? 1222 00:44:30,720 --> 00:44:32,570 I want four minutes from you. Content! 1223 00:44:32,770 --> 00:44:34,610 Bring out another writer. Interview the stage manager. 1224 00:44:34,810 --> 00:44:37,360 Interview Plum. What the hell is Plum doing here? 1225 00:44:37,560 --> 00:44:39,200 They never go to commercial this early. 1226 00:44:39,400 --> 00:44:41,410 They have three minutes and 56 seconds 1227 00:44:41,610 --> 00:44:43,840 left in this segment. I time it. 1228 00:44:48,520 --> 00:44:49,960 What the hell is she doing on a stool? 1229 00:44:50,160 --> 00:44:52,340 - Everything backfired. - What did you do? 1230 00:44:52,540 --> 00:44:55,130 Why is everything automatically my...? Yeah, okay, it was me. 1231 00:44:55,330 --> 00:44:56,630 I had a friend talk Gordon 1232 00:44:56,830 --> 00:44:58,340 into putting her on the show and since he's 1233 00:44:58,540 --> 00:45:01,300 a baby driven solely by his ego and paper-thin nutsack, 1234 00:45:01,500 --> 00:45:03,600 he bumped her from a stand-up spot to the stool. 1235 00:45:03,800 --> 00:45:05,560 And then she gets a laugh from the audience, 1236 00:45:05,760 --> 00:45:08,270 so my guess is he shit his diaper. 1237 00:45:08,470 --> 00:45:09,690 Fine. 1238 00:45:09,890 --> 00:45:12,020 I will do four more minutes of stool work. Happy? 1239 00:45:12,220 --> 00:45:13,610 She's funny, Gordon. 1240 00:45:13,810 --> 00:45:15,150 You're the one who hired her in the first place. 1241 00:45:15,350 --> 00:45:17,340 Because you thought she was funny. 1242 00:45:18,750 --> 00:45:20,360 Four more minutes after commercial. 1243 00:45:20,560 --> 00:45:21,990 - But... - Midge, please. 1244 00:45:22,190 --> 00:45:24,280 Four more minutes, and then we can all go get drunk 1245 00:45:24,480 --> 00:45:26,830 or go to bed or drive a car into a wall. 1246 00:45:27,030 --> 00:45:29,250 - Might do all three, myself. - Fine. 1247 00:45:29,450 --> 00:45:31,210 Thank you. 1248 00:45:31,410 --> 00:45:32,790 - Archie, I'm here! - Finally! 1249 00:45:32,990 --> 00:45:34,380 I know. Did I miss it? What did she do? 1250 00:45:34,580 --> 00:45:35,960 - She sat on a stool. - Oh, good. 1251 00:45:36,160 --> 00:45:38,270 She can do that. Hi. We're married. 1252 00:45:43,320 --> 00:45:45,660 - [Rose] Miriam! Miriam! - [Abe] Miriam, over here! 1253 00:45:52,040 --> 00:45:54,610 Miriam, I have to say, though not a word 1254 00:45:54,810 --> 00:45:56,400 of any note has come out of your mouth, 1255 00:45:56,600 --> 00:45:58,280 it is still very exciting 1256 00:45:58,480 --> 00:46:00,280 to see you sitting on that stool. 1257 00:46:00,480 --> 00:46:02,820 Thank you, Papa. 1258 00:46:03,020 --> 00:46:05,120 Miriam. 1259 00:46:05,320 --> 00:46:07,620 You know you can get pregnant squatting like that. 1260 00:46:07,820 --> 00:46:09,410 I told you that one time, 1261 00:46:09,610 --> 00:46:10,910 and you've never let me forget it. 1262 00:46:11,110 --> 00:46:12,210 Because it was a doozy. 1263 00:46:12,410 --> 00:46:14,330 I just want you to know, I'm very touched 1264 00:46:14,530 --> 00:46:17,250 that you had so many people ask me to come here tonight. 1265 00:46:17,450 --> 00:46:20,170 Well, it was supposed to be a big night for me. 1266 00:46:20,370 --> 00:46:21,800 I didn't want you to miss it. 1267 00:46:22,000 --> 00:46:23,220 Supposed to be? 1268 00:46:23,420 --> 00:46:24,640 Is. 1269 00:46:24,840 --> 00:46:26,470 It is a big night for me. 1270 00:46:26,670 --> 00:46:28,060 Um... 1271 00:46:28,260 --> 00:46:29,930 they want you back in place? 1272 00:46:30,130 --> 00:46:31,770 Is that a question, Plum? 1273 00:46:31,970 --> 00:46:33,910 No. 1274 00:46:35,500 --> 00:46:37,360 I'll see you later, Mama. 1275 00:46:37,560 --> 00:46:39,190 Midge! 1276 00:46:39,390 --> 00:46:41,650 Beret! 1277 00:46:41,850 --> 00:46:43,780 [Wes] And we're back in two minutes, everyone. 1278 00:46:43,980 --> 00:46:46,160 Please stay in your seats. 1279 00:46:46,360 --> 00:46:48,300 [indistinct chatter] 1280 00:46:51,930 --> 00:46:53,930 [audio fades] 1281 00:47:17,540 --> 00:47:19,150 [sighs] 1282 00:47:19,350 --> 00:47:20,860 [indistinct chatter] 1283 00:47:21,060 --> 00:47:21,860 We can fight about this tomorrow. 1284 00:47:22,060 --> 00:47:22,940 I mean, it's for four more... 1285 00:47:23,140 --> 00:47:24,530 Stool, stool, stool. 1286 00:47:24,730 --> 00:47:25,950 Mike, can I talk to Susie for a second? 1287 00:47:26,150 --> 00:47:27,740 One second. One literal second. 1288 00:47:27,940 --> 00:47:29,490 What's going on? Are you thinking? 1289 00:47:29,690 --> 00:47:31,080 'Cause it looks like you're thinking or passing a stone. 1290 00:47:31,280 --> 00:47:32,790 Susie, I have four more minutes left. 1291 00:47:32,990 --> 00:47:34,830 - Four minutes. - Okay. 1292 00:47:35,030 --> 00:47:37,040 Four minutes. You hearing me? 1293 00:47:37,240 --> 00:47:39,380 - Yes. Four minutes. - Four minutes. 1294 00:47:39,580 --> 00:47:41,170 - Four minutes. You've got four minutes. - Four. 1295 00:47:41,370 --> 00:47:43,840 I am gonna punch you in the nose. I don't care how 1296 00:47:44,040 --> 00:47:45,880 - it will look on TV. - I'm thinking about doing something, 1297 00:47:46,080 --> 00:47:47,340 Susie, something reckless that could go 1298 00:47:47,540 --> 00:47:49,510 very badly for both of us. 1299 00:47:49,710 --> 00:47:50,680 Yeah? 1300 00:47:50,880 --> 00:47:52,100 It could ruin us. 1301 00:47:52,300 --> 00:47:54,330 Definitely me and you by extension. 1302 00:47:55,370 --> 00:47:56,770 Okay. 1303 00:47:56,970 --> 00:47:59,020 I just... 1304 00:47:59,220 --> 00:48:00,610 [Wes] 60 seconds. 1305 00:48:00,810 --> 00:48:02,330 [bell rings] 1306 00:48:06,750 --> 00:48:08,420 What do you think? 1307 00:48:10,130 --> 00:48:12,330 Look, you started your career by getting up on a stage 1308 00:48:12,530 --> 00:48:14,250 that no one told you to get up on, saying a bunch of shit 1309 00:48:14,450 --> 00:48:16,920 that no one wanted you to say, so... 1310 00:48:17,110 --> 00:48:19,430 [exhales] ...tits up. 1311 00:48:20,600 --> 00:48:22,810 Tits up. 1312 00:48:29,440 --> 00:48:31,450 Buckle up, Mikey. 1313 00:48:34,780 --> 00:48:35,980 [Wes] 30 seconds. 1314 00:48:36,180 --> 00:48:38,330 Everybody back in their seats, please. 1315 00:48:45,040 --> 00:48:47,990 I want you to know it was not my intention to force your hand. 1316 00:48:48,190 --> 00:48:50,820 I had hoped you would want to put me on someday. 1317 00:48:51,020 --> 00:48:53,540 This isn't personal, it's just... 1318 00:48:53,730 --> 00:48:55,250 [inhales deeply] 1319 00:48:55,440 --> 00:48:57,160 - It was not handled well. - Mm-hmm. 1320 00:48:57,360 --> 00:48:59,250 - And you know the rule. - I do. 1321 00:48:59,450 --> 00:49:01,210 [Wes] And we are back 1322 00:49:01,410 --> 00:49:03,250 in five, four, three... 1323 00:49:03,450 --> 00:49:05,550 I've just never been great at following rules. 1324 00:49:05,750 --> 00:49:07,380 ♪ ♪ 1325 00:49:07,580 --> 00:49:09,190 [audience cheering] 1326 00:49:12,860 --> 00:49:15,390 We are back with our lady writer. 1327 00:49:15,590 --> 00:49:17,390 So, Midge, something's been nagging at me 1328 00:49:17,590 --> 00:49:18,770 ever since you came aboard. 1329 00:49:18,970 --> 00:49:20,690 The coffee in the writers' room is 1330 00:49:20,890 --> 00:49:23,270 so much better than in the break room, why is that? 1331 00:49:23,470 --> 00:49:26,070 I wouldn't know, Gordon, because-- fun fact-- 1332 00:49:26,270 --> 00:49:27,990 I am not actually a writer. 1333 00:49:28,190 --> 00:49:29,900 - [audience exclaims] - What? 1334 00:49:30,100 --> 00:49:32,780 I'm a comedienne. I've only been pretending to be a writer 1335 00:49:32,980 --> 00:49:34,530 so I'd have a bathroom to use in Midtown. 1336 00:49:34,730 --> 00:49:35,910 [laughter] 1337 00:49:36,110 --> 00:49:37,290 So, why don't I just get up and do 1338 00:49:37,490 --> 00:49:38,960 what I came here to do, huh? 1339 00:49:39,160 --> 00:49:42,230 [audience cheering] 1340 00:49:44,690 --> 00:49:46,710 No, where are you going? 1341 00:49:46,910 --> 00:49:48,110 We'll find out. 1342 00:49:52,570 --> 00:49:54,680 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 1343 00:49:54,880 --> 00:49:57,850 What's happening here is a Jewish hijacking. 1344 00:49:58,050 --> 00:50:01,100 There's no planes involved, no one wants to go to Cuba. 1345 00:50:01,300 --> 00:50:03,400 My only demand is four minutes of airtime, 1346 00:50:03,600 --> 00:50:04,940 and a ride to the doctor when I'm old. 1347 00:50:05,140 --> 00:50:06,610 [laughter] 1348 00:50:06,810 --> 00:50:07,780 That's the nice thing about the Jews. 1349 00:50:07,980 --> 00:50:09,280 We only hijack a conversation. 1350 00:50:09,480 --> 00:50:11,530 [laughter] 1351 00:50:11,730 --> 00:50:13,990 So, I am not actually supposed to be up here right now, 1352 00:50:14,190 --> 00:50:17,080 talking to you all. I broke a pretty big rule 1353 00:50:17,280 --> 00:50:18,910 when I left that stool. 1354 00:50:19,110 --> 00:50:20,040 But lately, I've been doing 1355 00:50:20,240 --> 00:50:21,330 a lot of things I'm not supposed to. 1356 00:50:21,530 --> 00:50:23,460 Like becoming a comic. That was a surprise. 1357 00:50:23,660 --> 00:50:26,210 To everyone. Me, especially. 1358 00:50:26,410 --> 00:50:28,170 I was just a wife and a mother 1359 00:50:28,370 --> 00:50:29,760 - on the Upper West Side... - [whooping] 1360 00:50:29,960 --> 00:50:31,880 Upper West Side? Really? 1361 00:50:32,080 --> 00:50:34,300 My parents are in the audience tonight. 1362 00:50:34,500 --> 00:50:36,140 Compare notes on the parking situation. 1363 00:50:36,340 --> 00:50:38,350 My father's got a whole conspiracy theory going on... 1364 00:50:38,550 --> 00:50:40,020 It's not a theory. 1365 00:50:40,220 --> 00:50:41,690 There's a lot of Jews on the Upper West Side 1366 00:50:41,880 --> 00:50:44,190 and not nearly enough parking spaces. Connect the dots. 1367 00:50:44,390 --> 00:50:46,060 [Midge] ...so I was just a wife and a mother 1368 00:50:46,260 --> 00:50:47,690 and then one day, my husband left me. 1369 00:50:47,890 --> 00:50:48,730 [sympathetic groans] 1370 00:50:48,930 --> 00:50:50,320 On Yom Kippur. 1371 00:50:50,520 --> 00:50:52,990 The holy day when Jews fast to atone for their sins? 1372 00:50:53,190 --> 00:50:54,820 That's the day he chose to leave me. 1373 00:50:55,020 --> 00:50:57,620 - For his secretary. - [audience clamoring] 1374 00:50:57,820 --> 00:50:58,660 I can't really blame him, though. 1375 00:50:58,860 --> 00:50:59,790 She had some mints in her purse. 1376 00:50:59,990 --> 00:51:02,040 [laughter] 1377 00:51:02,240 --> 00:51:04,790 I'll admit, it was really terrible for a while. 1378 00:51:04,990 --> 00:51:06,920 But then the sun set and I could eat again. 1379 00:51:07,120 --> 00:51:08,840 [laughter] 1380 00:51:09,040 --> 00:51:10,710 Suddenly, I was single. 1381 00:51:10,910 --> 00:51:12,590 I wasn't raised to be single. 1382 00:51:12,790 --> 00:51:15,390 I didn't know what to do, so I drank my weight in Manischewitz, 1383 00:51:15,580 --> 00:51:17,800 stumbled onto a stage, grabbed a microphone, 1384 00:51:18,000 --> 00:51:20,350 and in that moment everything changed. 1385 00:51:20,550 --> 00:51:23,310 I discovered what it felt like to have people listen to me. 1386 00:51:23,510 --> 00:51:26,060 Well, not men, but other people. 1387 00:51:26,260 --> 00:51:28,270 Well, not my mother, but everybody else. 1388 00:51:28,470 --> 00:51:30,980 Okay, not my children, my dates, 1389 00:51:31,180 --> 00:51:33,780 employers, coworkers, the new butcher, 1390 00:51:33,980 --> 00:51:35,910 but strangers. Strangers love me. 1391 00:51:36,110 --> 00:51:38,050 - [cheering] - [applause] 1392 00:51:39,260 --> 00:51:41,260 [Midge] Yeah. 1393 00:51:42,260 --> 00:51:43,790 [chuckles] 1394 00:51:43,990 --> 00:51:45,620 How the hell did you get there? 1395 00:51:45,820 --> 00:51:47,920 I'm magic. 1396 00:51:48,120 --> 00:51:49,920 [Midge] Actually, I should be grateful 1397 00:51:50,120 --> 00:51:52,130 that my husband cheated with the person that he did. 1398 00:51:52,330 --> 00:51:54,170 Because she was, as they say 1399 00:51:54,370 --> 00:51:55,930 in the American Journal of Medicine, 1400 00:51:56,130 --> 00:51:57,510 an idiot. 1401 00:51:57,710 --> 00:51:59,680 And I'm not just saying that because she slept 1402 00:51:59,880 --> 00:52:01,850 with my husband. I'm saying that because I saw her 1403 00:52:02,050 --> 00:52:03,730 ask a plastic plant in the office 1404 00:52:03,920 --> 00:52:05,140 if it wanted some water. 1405 00:52:05,340 --> 00:52:07,850 And then waited for an answer. 1406 00:52:08,050 --> 00:52:09,560 For ten full minutes. 1407 00:52:09,760 --> 00:52:11,270 And then went to the coffeepot 1408 00:52:11,470 --> 00:52:12,820 and asked why the plant was mad at her. 1409 00:52:13,020 --> 00:52:14,610 So when your husband leaves you for that, 1410 00:52:14,810 --> 00:52:16,700 it softens the blow. 1411 00:52:16,900 --> 00:52:19,070 It feels good that after their first cocktail party appearance, 1412 00:52:19,270 --> 00:52:21,120 people call you saying, "What was he thinking? 1413 00:52:21,320 --> 00:52:22,910 She apologized to the ashtray 1414 00:52:23,110 --> 00:52:24,370 every time she put out a cigarette." 1415 00:52:24,570 --> 00:52:26,460 Did you do that? 1416 00:52:26,660 --> 00:52:28,120 - We did. - From the party. 1417 00:52:28,320 --> 00:52:29,580 [Midge] I've been single for a while now. 1418 00:52:29,780 --> 00:52:32,300 Quite a while. [chuckles] 1419 00:52:32,490 --> 00:52:34,130 If I ever do remarry, my mother's going to have 1420 00:52:34,330 --> 00:52:37,180 to give me "the talk" again to refresh my memory. 1421 00:52:37,370 --> 00:52:40,220 I'm actually not sure if a permanent relationship is even 1422 00:52:40,420 --> 00:52:42,430 in the cards for me anymore. 1423 00:52:42,630 --> 00:52:44,310 I mean, I work at night. 1424 00:52:44,510 --> 00:52:46,770 I come home reeking of cigarettes and booze 1425 00:52:46,970 --> 00:52:49,770 with lipstick on my collar... mine. 1426 00:52:49,970 --> 00:52:52,860 And the men in my life are no longer boyfriends or lovers. 1427 00:52:53,060 --> 00:52:55,240 They're bits. Fodder for my act. 1428 00:52:55,430 --> 00:52:58,150 If they kiss loud or have nicknames 1429 00:52:58,350 --> 00:53:00,820 for their body parts... like their feet. 1430 00:53:01,020 --> 00:53:03,010 Come on, we sell soap here. 1431 00:53:04,340 --> 00:53:05,830 If we have an argument on a Friday, 1432 00:53:06,030 --> 00:53:07,960 Saturday night I'm recreating it for the Shriners, 1433 00:53:08,160 --> 00:53:10,540 who are always on my side and think I can do better. 1434 00:53:10,740 --> 00:53:13,460 Plus I come with kids. Two. 1435 00:53:13,660 --> 00:53:15,130 A boy and a girl. 1436 00:53:15,330 --> 00:53:17,270 Their names are on the tip of my tongue. 1437 00:53:18,320 --> 00:53:20,640 We're a Jewish household, so my son was circumcised 1438 00:53:20,830 --> 00:53:22,430 a week after he was born. 1439 00:53:22,630 --> 00:53:24,680 My daughter's trauma will have to wait until she's old enough 1440 00:53:24,880 --> 00:53:27,430 to go clothes shopping with my mother. 1441 00:53:27,630 --> 00:53:29,020 - [chuckles] - Well, that's fair. 1442 00:53:29,220 --> 00:53:31,020 I do know that because of my situation, 1443 00:53:31,220 --> 00:53:34,270 my daughter is going to grow up different than I did. 1444 00:53:34,470 --> 00:53:36,150 She's gonna be tougher. 1445 00:53:36,350 --> 00:53:38,570 More independent. That's a terrifying word. 1446 00:53:38,770 --> 00:53:40,570 Independent. 1447 00:53:40,770 --> 00:53:42,410 Especially for women. 1448 00:53:42,610 --> 00:53:44,780 It was not a word we were supposed to be familiar with. 1449 00:53:44,980 --> 00:53:47,450 I wasn't. My mother wasn't. 1450 00:53:47,650 --> 00:53:49,330 But I'm on my own now. 1451 00:53:49,530 --> 00:53:51,500 So if I want that flat tire changed... 1452 00:53:51,700 --> 00:53:53,540 well, clearly someone else is gonna do it. 1453 00:53:53,740 --> 00:53:55,210 I'm independent, not an idiot. 1454 00:53:55,410 --> 00:53:58,210 I haven't talked to a plastic plant in months. 1455 00:53:58,410 --> 00:54:00,380 [laughs] 1456 00:54:00,580 --> 00:54:03,820 My kids, God, I promise their names will come to me. 1457 00:54:04,900 --> 00:54:06,680 I think it's inevitable that they will hate me 1458 00:54:06,880 --> 00:54:07,850 when they grow up. 1459 00:54:08,050 --> 00:54:10,180 Like every other parent, I spend sleepless nights 1460 00:54:10,380 --> 00:54:11,850 imagining what my kids are gonna say about me 1461 00:54:12,050 --> 00:54:13,270 to their psychiatrists. 1462 00:54:13,470 --> 00:54:15,060 Right? You've done this. 1463 00:54:15,260 --> 00:54:16,400 "She wasn't home." 1464 00:54:16,600 --> 00:54:18,320 "She missed my baseball game." 1465 00:54:18,520 --> 00:54:20,070 "She made me listen to her tight ten for a week 1466 00:54:20,270 --> 00:54:22,070 before she opened in Toledo and then had us heckle her 1467 00:54:22,270 --> 00:54:24,990 for three hours so she had some practiced comebacks. 1468 00:54:25,190 --> 00:54:26,700 And our drinks were watered-down." 1469 00:54:26,900 --> 00:54:28,840 [laughing] 1470 00:54:30,720 --> 00:54:33,580 That's why I need to get really famous. 1471 00:54:33,780 --> 00:54:36,540 If you're really famous, everybody loves you. 1472 00:54:36,740 --> 00:54:38,880 At least until the will is read. 1473 00:54:39,080 --> 00:54:41,880 [chuckles] I heard a story about Mary Martin, 1474 00:54:42,080 --> 00:54:44,140 Broadway star. Her driver got sick, 1475 00:54:44,330 --> 00:54:46,640 so she had to take a cab to the theater she was performing at. 1476 00:54:46,840 --> 00:54:49,310 She gets in, cabbie asks her where she's going. 1477 00:54:49,510 --> 00:54:51,390 She has no idea. 1478 00:54:51,590 --> 00:54:54,100 No idea where the theater is or what it's called. 1479 00:54:54,300 --> 00:54:57,610 She is too famous to know. 1480 00:54:57,810 --> 00:54:59,190 She is so famous that, eventually, 1481 00:54:59,390 --> 00:55:01,110 someone will notice she's missing and just come find her. 1482 00:55:01,310 --> 00:55:03,340 All she has to do is stand still. 1483 00:55:04,710 --> 00:55:06,660 That's the kind of fame I want. 1484 00:55:06,860 --> 00:55:09,620 Where I never have to know who I am or where I'm going. 1485 00:55:09,820 --> 00:55:11,870 Where one day Bob Hope walks up to me at a restaurant 1486 00:55:12,070 --> 00:55:13,080 and says, "Hi, I'm Bob Hope. 1487 00:55:13,280 --> 00:55:14,500 You probably don't remember meeting me," 1488 00:55:14,700 --> 00:55:16,250 and I say, "Of course I do. I'll have the chicken." 1489 00:55:16,450 --> 00:55:18,390 [laughter, applause] 1490 00:55:21,110 --> 00:55:23,720 I want a big life. 1491 00:55:23,920 --> 00:55:25,930 I want to experience everything. 1492 00:55:26,130 --> 00:55:29,160 I want to break every single rule there is. 1493 00:55:30,320 --> 00:55:33,230 They say ambition is an unattractive trait in a woman. 1494 00:55:33,430 --> 00:55:34,890 Maybe. 1495 00:55:35,090 --> 00:55:37,480 But you know what's really unattractive? 1496 00:55:37,680 --> 00:55:40,150 Waiting around for something to happen. 1497 00:55:40,350 --> 00:55:42,650 Staring out a window, thinking the life you should be living 1498 00:55:42,850 --> 00:55:44,530 is out there somewhere but not being willing 1499 00:55:44,730 --> 00:55:46,030 to open the door and go get it. 1500 00:55:46,230 --> 00:55:48,780 Even if someone tells you you can't. 1501 00:55:48,980 --> 00:55:52,050 Being a coward is only cute in The Wizard of Oz. 1502 00:55:53,470 --> 00:55:56,170 Ethan and Esther. I knew it would come to me eventually. 1503 00:55:56,370 --> 00:55:57,750 - [laughter, applause] - Oh! 1504 00:55:57,950 --> 00:55:59,420 - [Gordon laughs] - Huh. 1505 00:55:59,620 --> 00:56:00,420 [laughs] 1506 00:56:00,620 --> 00:56:03,020 [whooping] 1507 00:56:05,520 --> 00:56:07,530 - Yeah. - [chuckling] 1508 00:56:10,150 --> 00:56:13,520 You have been an amazing audience! 1509 00:56:13,720 --> 00:56:15,180 I want to thank you, 1510 00:56:15,380 --> 00:56:17,270 I want to thank Gordon Ford, 1511 00:56:17,470 --> 00:56:20,150 and, most importantly, I want to thank Bergdorf Goodman 1512 00:56:20,350 --> 00:56:22,070 from the bottom of my heart. 1513 00:56:22,270 --> 00:56:25,110 Thank you and good night! 1514 00:56:25,310 --> 00:56:28,050 [cheering, applause] 1515 00:56:30,510 --> 00:56:33,120 I just wish she'd worn a different dress. 1516 00:56:33,320 --> 00:56:36,540 - [Imogene] You did it, Midge, whoo! - [laughs] 1517 00:56:36,740 --> 00:56:38,100 [sighs] 1518 00:56:42,560 --> 00:56:44,300 - Holy shit. - Holy shit. 1519 00:56:44,500 --> 00:56:47,010 Well, don't just stand there! Get over here, Maisel. Let's go! 1520 00:56:47,210 --> 00:56:49,740 [cheering continues] 1521 00:56:53,200 --> 00:56:54,680 - Wow. - Look at her. 1522 00:56:54,880 --> 00:56:56,160 [laughs] 1523 00:57:01,330 --> 00:57:02,610 Ah! 1524 00:57:02,810 --> 00:57:04,610 - [laughs] - Sit down. 1525 00:57:04,810 --> 00:57:06,610 Right now. 1526 00:57:06,810 --> 00:57:07,860 Whew. 1527 00:57:08,060 --> 00:57:10,030 - [laughs] - [sighs] 1528 00:57:10,230 --> 00:57:12,780 - Whew. - [giggles] 1529 00:57:12,980 --> 00:57:15,290 Where on earth did that come from? 1530 00:57:15,490 --> 00:57:17,710 It was always there, Gordon. You just had to ask. 1531 00:57:17,910 --> 00:57:19,790 - Oh. Well, that was just terrific. - [chuckles] 1532 00:57:19,990 --> 00:57:22,040 Really great. And I have to say, I agree with you. 1533 00:57:22,240 --> 00:57:24,060 - You are definitely not a writer. - [laughter] 1534 00:57:25,100 --> 00:57:27,860 That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. 1535 00:57:28,900 --> 00:57:31,340 I have been hoist by my own petard, folks. 1536 00:57:31,540 --> 00:57:34,350 I knew this lady was funny but I did not know how funny. 1537 00:57:34,550 --> 00:57:36,600 I'm just grateful you didn't turn the cameras off. 1538 00:57:36,800 --> 00:57:38,350 Oh, we did. You can recreate it, can't you? 1539 00:57:38,550 --> 00:57:40,270 Absolutely. Mm-hmm. 1540 00:57:40,470 --> 00:57:43,270 Folks, I don't actually think you got a proper introduction 1541 00:57:43,470 --> 00:57:46,110 to this very, very funny lady here. 1542 00:57:46,310 --> 00:57:47,690 And I am gonna remedy that right now. 1543 00:57:47,890 --> 00:57:49,450 Ladies and gentlemen, making her first 1544 00:57:49,650 --> 00:57:51,070 but definitely not last 1545 00:57:51,270 --> 00:57:53,200 appearance on The Gordon Ford Show, 1546 00:57:53,400 --> 00:57:55,790 may I present the magnificent, 1547 00:57:55,980 --> 00:57:57,200 the magical, 1548 00:57:57,400 --> 00:58:00,080 the marvelous Mrs. Maisel. 1549 00:58:00,280 --> 00:58:01,810 [cheering, applause] 1550 00:58:03,810 --> 00:58:05,230 [laughs] 1551 00:58:06,520 --> 00:58:09,380 - [overlapping chatter] - There she is. That's my daughter. 1552 00:58:09,580 --> 00:58:11,590 - That's my ex-wife. - That's my best friend's ex-wife. 1553 00:58:11,790 --> 00:58:13,590 That's my ex-wife! [chuckles] 1554 00:58:13,790 --> 00:58:15,780 [cheering continues] 1555 00:58:20,120 --> 00:58:21,870 [laughs] 1556 00:58:35,550 --> 00:58:37,300 You're fired. 1557 00:58:40,930 --> 00:58:42,540 [chuckles softly] 1558 00:58:42,740 --> 00:58:44,770 [cheering continues] 1559 00:58:51,070 --> 00:58:53,070 [sighs] 1560 00:58:54,070 --> 00:58:56,070 [♪ Blossom Dearie: "Doop-Doo-De-Doop"] 1561 00:59:01,870 --> 00:59:03,310 ♪ Doop-doo-de-doop ♪ 1562 00:59:03,510 --> 00:59:05,520 ♪ Doo-de-doop, doo-de-doo-de-doop ♪ 1563 00:59:05,720 --> 00:59:07,060 ♪ Doop-doo-de-doop ♪ 1564 00:59:07,260 --> 00:59:09,480 ♪ Doo-de-doop, doo-de-doo-de-doop... 1565 00:59:09,680 --> 00:59:12,070 Yeah, remember, indecipherable. 1566 00:59:12,270 --> 00:59:13,490 This makes no sense. 1567 00:59:13,690 --> 00:59:15,070 Do you want me to teach you how to be famous or not? 1568 00:59:15,270 --> 00:59:16,620 After you learn, maybe. 1569 00:59:16,820 --> 00:59:18,620 Okay, this is not the behavior of someone who's been eating 1570 00:59:18,820 --> 00:59:20,240 gratis salt and pepper shrimp all night. 1571 00:59:20,440 --> 00:59:21,700 But if someone asks for your autograph, 1572 00:59:21,900 --> 00:59:23,120 they should be able to read your name. 1573 00:59:23,320 --> 00:59:24,540 No. Wrong. 1574 00:59:24,740 --> 00:59:26,670 If they can read your name, they will feel cheated. 1575 00:59:26,870 --> 00:59:28,670 They will know you are real. That you went to school. 1576 00:59:28,870 --> 00:59:29,840 That you can write a check. 1577 00:59:30,040 --> 00:59:31,260 Okay. Here. 1578 00:59:31,460 --> 00:59:32,340 What do you think? 1579 00:59:32,540 --> 00:59:33,420 What's this? 1580 00:59:33,620 --> 00:59:34,680 My autograph. 1581 00:59:34,880 --> 00:59:36,220 I see at least three letters very clearly. 1582 00:59:36,420 --> 00:59:37,360 Again. 1583 00:59:39,410 --> 00:59:41,020 Who taught you how to be famous? 1584 00:59:41,210 --> 00:59:42,480 I was born famous. 1585 00:59:42,670 --> 00:59:43,560 I see. 1586 00:59:43,760 --> 00:59:45,190 I floated down the Nile in a basket 1587 00:59:45,390 --> 00:59:47,400 stuffed with greasepaint and a copy of the trades. 1588 00:59:47,600 --> 00:59:48,440 That's a terrific story. 1589 00:59:48,640 --> 00:59:49,940 I made it up myself. 1590 00:59:50,140 --> 00:59:52,780 You want to hear the one about the tap dancing locusts? 1591 00:59:52,980 --> 00:59:54,110 You want anything else? 1592 00:59:54,310 --> 00:59:55,450 Is there anything else? 1593 00:59:55,650 --> 00:59:57,660 Just the check. [inhales deeply] 1594 00:59:57,860 --> 00:59:59,030 Thank you for the feast. 1595 00:59:59,230 --> 01:00:00,080 You're welcome. 1596 01:00:00,280 --> 01:00:01,990 It's been a great night. 1597 01:00:02,190 --> 01:00:03,660 I concur. 1598 01:00:03,860 --> 01:00:04,960 Is it still snowing? 1599 01:00:05,160 --> 01:00:08,080 Well, if it is... 1600 01:00:08,280 --> 01:00:09,670 there won't be any cabs. 1601 01:00:09,870 --> 01:00:11,340 Trains will be spotty. 1602 01:00:11,540 --> 01:00:13,340 You might have to seek shelter somewhere nearby 1603 01:00:13,540 --> 01:00:14,670 until it clears up. 1604 01:00:14,870 --> 01:00:16,840 I already sought shelter earlier, 1605 01:00:17,040 --> 01:00:18,720 and now I have to go to confession in the morning. 1606 01:00:18,920 --> 01:00:20,700 Last booth on the left knows Hebrew. 1607 01:00:23,780 --> 01:00:25,940 Well? What about this? 1608 01:00:26,130 --> 01:00:27,060 Oh, nice. 1609 01:00:27,260 --> 01:00:29,270 - That's practically Sanskrit. - Ah! 1610 01:00:29,470 --> 01:00:30,440 Okay, now we should work 1611 01:00:30,640 --> 01:00:32,230 on ignoring people who you obviously know 1612 01:00:32,430 --> 01:00:33,990 when they're standing two feet away from you. 1613 01:00:34,180 --> 01:00:35,630 All the famous people do it. 1614 01:00:37,050 --> 01:00:39,410 What makes you so sure I'm gonna be really famous? 1615 01:00:39,610 --> 01:00:41,630 Mm, it's just a hunch. 1616 01:00:42,680 --> 01:00:44,160 I've seen your act. 1617 01:00:44,360 --> 01:00:45,960 I watched you escape a police raid. 1618 01:00:46,150 --> 01:00:48,000 So, running and talking. 1619 01:00:48,200 --> 01:00:50,330 You have many skills. 1620 01:00:50,530 --> 01:00:52,550 Think my show corset turned your head. 1621 01:00:52,740 --> 01:00:54,960 My head turned a long time ago. 1622 01:00:55,160 --> 01:00:57,380 It's why I keep pulling to the right. 1623 01:00:57,580 --> 01:00:59,470 I don't know. 1624 01:00:59,670 --> 01:01:02,310 I hope you're right because I don't have a plan B. 1625 01:01:02,500 --> 01:01:04,770 All my eggs are in one big basket. 1626 01:01:04,970 --> 01:01:06,080 Mm, allow me. 1627 01:01:07,120 --> 01:01:08,700 God, I love a man who steals my food. 1628 01:01:11,000 --> 01:01:13,070 "A spotlight waits for you center stage. 1629 01:01:13,270 --> 01:01:15,900 All you have to do is step up and claim it." 1630 01:01:16,100 --> 01:01:17,280 - Wow. - "Once you do, 1631 01:01:17,480 --> 01:01:19,240 everyone will know who you are. 1632 01:01:19,440 --> 01:01:21,160 They will know your wit, 1633 01:01:21,360 --> 01:01:23,780 your intellect, your smile. 1634 01:01:23,980 --> 01:01:26,260 Your great, expressive eyes." 1635 01:01:27,260 --> 01:01:29,290 "They will be helpless to your charms." 1636 01:01:29,490 --> 01:01:31,580 That must be some very small writing. 1637 01:01:31,780 --> 01:01:33,170 "They will fall at your feet 1638 01:01:33,370 --> 01:01:36,380 and worship at the altar of you and your show corset." 1639 01:01:36,580 --> 01:01:37,720 Can I see that fortune? 1640 01:01:37,910 --> 01:01:38,800 Oh, no. If someone sees you can read, 1641 01:01:39,000 --> 01:01:40,440 they'll never let you be famous. 1642 01:01:44,360 --> 01:01:46,640 "Your lucky numbers are 46, 1643 01:01:46,840 --> 01:01:49,890 24, 11, six and five." 1644 01:01:50,090 --> 01:01:51,540 It's all how you read it. 1645 01:01:54,250 --> 01:01:55,940 You mark my words. 1646 01:01:56,140 --> 01:01:59,150 Very soon, in the not too distant future, 1647 01:01:59,350 --> 01:02:01,880 you will be paying for the Chinese food. 1648 01:02:02,880 --> 01:02:04,880 ♪ ♪ 1649 01:02:10,100 --> 01:02:11,540 [car horns honking] 1650 01:02:11,740 --> 01:02:13,850 [helicopter blades whirring] 1651 01:02:15,140 --> 01:02:16,420 [Delia] The week of the 24th, 1652 01:02:16,620 --> 01:02:18,010 you go to Orlando and Palm Beach. 1653 01:02:18,210 --> 01:02:19,670 Those dates are firm. Then you have 1654 01:02:19,870 --> 01:02:22,590 Chicago, Minneapolis and possibly Vegas for two weeks. 1655 01:02:22,790 --> 01:02:24,680 - So far apart. All that travel. - [muffled stomping] 1656 01:02:24,880 --> 01:02:26,220 Charo offered her plane. 1657 01:02:26,420 --> 01:02:27,520 Oh, well, that's fine, then. 1658 01:02:27,710 --> 01:02:28,520 What about the Palace? 1659 01:02:28,720 --> 01:02:29,730 We are working on the Palace. 1660 01:02:29,930 --> 01:02:31,020 They're still talking December. 1661 01:02:31,220 --> 01:02:32,730 I don't want to be in London for the holidays. 1662 01:02:32,930 --> 01:02:34,560 - I know that. - I want to be in New York for the holidays. 1663 01:02:34,760 --> 01:02:36,320 We have relayed the message. 1664 01:02:36,520 --> 01:02:37,940 I'm never in New York for the holidays, and this year 1665 01:02:38,140 --> 01:02:39,240 I want to be in New York for the holidays. 1666 01:02:39,430 --> 01:02:40,280 I hear you. 1667 01:02:40,480 --> 01:02:41,820 New York for the holidays. Period. 1668 01:02:42,020 --> 01:02:43,070 However, if that's the only time that works, 1669 01:02:43,270 --> 01:02:44,200 then December's fine. 1670 01:02:44,400 --> 01:02:45,530 The building says there's nothing they can do 1671 01:02:45,730 --> 01:02:47,370 - about the noise. - They've been jumping around 1672 01:02:47,570 --> 01:02:48,450 for hours down there. 1673 01:02:48,650 --> 01:02:50,120 It's like Ruby Keeler moved in. 1674 01:02:50,320 --> 01:02:51,410 I'll knock on the door and see what's up. 1675 01:02:51,610 --> 01:02:52,620 Tell them Yoko's complaining. 1676 01:02:52,820 --> 01:02:53,790 That'll shut 'em up. 1677 01:02:53,990 --> 01:02:54,960 Now, 1678 01:02:55,160 --> 01:02:56,670 before we break, what am I doing on Tuesday? 1679 01:02:56,870 --> 01:02:58,050 Nothing. 1680 01:02:58,250 --> 01:02:59,590 Oh. 1681 01:02:59,790 --> 01:03:01,300 - Well, are we working on booking something? - No. 1682 01:03:01,500 --> 01:03:03,260 But you are working Sunday, Monday and Wednesday, though. 1683 01:03:03,460 --> 01:03:04,260 Traveling Thursday. 1684 01:03:04,460 --> 01:03:05,720 But what about Tuesday? 1685 01:03:05,920 --> 01:03:07,560 You can rest on Tuesday. 1686 01:03:07,750 --> 01:03:09,180 [muffled scraping sounds] 1687 01:03:09,380 --> 01:03:11,580 Let me make some calls. 1688 01:03:12,700 --> 01:03:14,400 You press here, bring up the menu, 1689 01:03:14,590 --> 01:03:16,060 scroll over to the envelope icon, click, 1690 01:03:16,260 --> 01:03:17,980 - then write your message. - Why don't I just call them? 1691 01:03:18,180 --> 01:03:19,190 Sometimes you want to text. 1692 01:03:19,390 --> 01:03:20,280 - When? - When you're late. 1693 01:03:20,480 --> 01:03:21,440 I can call when I'm late. 1694 01:03:21,640 --> 01:03:22,860 It's just a fun thing your phone can do. 1695 01:03:23,060 --> 01:03:24,780 - Like take pictures. - My camera takes pictures. 1696 01:03:24,980 --> 01:03:25,780 What if you don't have your camera? 1697 01:03:25,980 --> 01:03:26,990 I commit it to memory. 1698 01:03:27,190 --> 01:03:28,280 It also takes videos. 1699 01:03:28,480 --> 01:03:29,490 Does it have the nuclear codes? 1700 01:03:29,690 --> 01:03:31,000 - Can I bomb somebody? - No, you can't. 1701 01:03:31,190 --> 01:03:32,620 What about aliens? Can I communicate with aliens? 1702 01:03:32,820 --> 01:03:34,460 Not with the phone. Can I just show you how to write a message? 1703 01:03:34,660 --> 01:03:36,960 - You can certainly try. - So you scroll down to a number and then you click 1704 01:03:37,160 --> 01:03:38,460 on that number until it goes to the letter you want 1705 01:03:38,660 --> 01:03:40,170 - and then... - Enjoy the phone, Franklin! 1706 01:03:40,370 --> 01:03:42,050 [sighs] 1707 01:03:42,250 --> 01:03:44,550 - ♪ I wanted ♪ - [Barbra Streisand: "I Stayed Too Long at the Fair"] 1708 01:03:44,750 --> 01:03:47,180 ♪ The music ♪ 1709 01:03:47,380 --> 01:03:50,010 ♪ To play on ♪ 1710 01:03:50,210 --> 01:03:52,820 ♪ Forever ♪ 1711 01:03:54,580 --> 01:03:57,350 ♪ Have I stayed too long ♪ 1712 01:03:57,550 --> 01:04:00,920 ♪ At the fair? ♪ 1713 01:04:01,920 --> 01:04:04,030 ♪ I wanted ♪ 1714 01:04:04,230 --> 01:04:06,050 ♪ The clown ♪ 1715 01:04:07,130 --> 01:04:11,330 ♪ To be constantly clever ♪ 1716 01:04:11,530 --> 01:04:14,410 ♪ Have I stayed too long ♪ 1717 01:04:14,610 --> 01:04:18,430 ♪ At the fair? ♪ 1718 01:04:19,430 --> 01:04:24,050 ♪ I bought me blue ribbons ♪ 1719 01:04:24,250 --> 01:04:28,550 ♪ To tie up my hair ♪ 1720 01:04:28,750 --> 01:04:32,220 ♪ But I couldn't find ♪ 1721 01:04:32,420 --> 01:04:38,810 ♪ Anybody to care ♪ 1722 01:04:39,010 --> 01:04:45,070 ♪ The merry-go-round ♪ 1723 01:04:45,270 --> 01:04:48,410 ♪ Is beginning to slow now ♪ 1724 01:04:48,610 --> 01:04:51,490 ♪ Have I stayed too long ♪ 1725 01:04:51,690 --> 01:04:56,500 ♪ At the fair? ♪ 1726 01:04:56,700 --> 01:05:00,290 ♪ The music ♪ 1727 01:05:00,490 --> 01:05:02,290 ♪ Has stopped ♪ 1728 01:05:02,490 --> 01:05:07,380 ♪ And the children must go now ♪ 1729 01:05:07,580 --> 01:05:12,280 ♪ Have I ♪ 1730 01:05:13,280 --> 01:05:20,580 ♪ Stayed too long ♪ 1731 01:05:21,580 --> 01:05:25,400 ♪ At the ♪ 1732 01:05:25,600 --> 01:05:33,510 ♪ Fair? ♪♪ 1733 01:05:35,260 --> 01:05:37,330 ♪ ♪ 1734 01:05:37,530 --> 01:05:40,250 - [vocalizing] - [dialing] 1735 01:05:40,450 --> 01:05:43,000 [line ringing] 1736 01:05:43,200 --> 01:05:45,590 [Susie] Hold on. I got shit everywhere. 1737 01:05:45,790 --> 01:05:47,720 Literal shit or metaphorical shit? 1738 01:05:47,910 --> 01:05:50,720 - Uh, the fucking cleaning lady moved everything around. - [squawking] 1739 01:05:50,920 --> 01:05:52,550 Can't find my TV glasses. 1740 01:05:52,750 --> 01:05:54,390 Look in the box on the flower table. 1741 01:05:54,590 --> 01:05:56,390 Don't pretend that you know everything. 1742 01:05:56,590 --> 01:05:57,980 Box on the flower table. 1743 01:05:58,170 --> 01:05:59,980 You don't know everything! 1744 01:06:00,180 --> 01:06:02,230 She didn't move them. She never moves them. 1745 01:06:02,430 --> 01:06:03,900 - Look in the box on the flower table. - You know, 1746 01:06:04,100 --> 01:06:07,080 a whole continent away from you is not enough space. 1747 01:06:08,590 --> 01:06:10,360 Did you find them? 1748 01:06:10,560 --> 01:06:12,360 No. 1749 01:06:12,560 --> 01:06:14,200 Did your machine tape it okay? 1750 01:06:14,400 --> 01:06:15,740 Yes. I got it fixed. 1751 01:06:15,940 --> 01:06:16,740 Did you check it? 1752 01:06:16,940 --> 01:06:18,830 I checked it. It works. 1753 01:06:19,030 --> 01:06:21,540 Now, remind me, what happened yesterday? 1754 01:06:21,740 --> 01:06:24,040 Oh. Uh, they booted the guy 1755 01:06:24,240 --> 01:06:27,300 who didn't know which character Danny Bonaduce played 1756 01:06:27,500 --> 01:06:28,550 on The Partridge Family. 1757 01:06:28,750 --> 01:06:30,220 Well, I wouldn't have known that. 1758 01:06:30,420 --> 01:06:33,180 It's Danny. Jesus Christ. 1759 01:06:33,380 --> 01:06:34,260 All right, you got it? 1760 01:06:34,460 --> 01:06:35,720 I got it. You got it? 1761 01:06:35,920 --> 01:06:36,850 I got it. 1762 01:06:37,050 --> 01:06:38,020 I'm putting it in. 1763 01:06:38,210 --> 01:06:39,310 {\an8}I'm putting it in. 1764 01:06:39,510 --> 01:06:41,480 {\an8}- Still putting it in. - I'm in. 1765 01:06:41,680 --> 01:06:44,150 {\an8}- I'm in! - Now, don't press before I press. 1766 01:06:44,350 --> 01:06:46,020 Every fucking time. 1767 01:06:46,220 --> 01:06:48,690 Because we have to hear the answers at the same time. 1768 01:06:48,890 --> 01:06:49,690 I know! 1769 01:06:49,890 --> 01:06:50,690 And if you get ahead, 1770 01:06:50,890 --> 01:06:52,320 then you hear the answer before I do. 1771 01:06:52,520 --> 01:06:54,490 I fucking know! 1772 01:06:54,690 --> 01:06:56,330 We'll press it at the same time. 1773 01:06:56,520 --> 01:06:57,990 Jesus. [grunts] 1774 01:06:58,190 --> 01:06:59,660 Could've watched the whole show by now. 1775 01:06:59,860 --> 01:07:02,460 Oh! Susie, did you get my bird? 1776 01:07:02,660 --> 01:07:04,290 [gasps] The red one? 1777 01:07:04,490 --> 01:07:05,460 She's gorgeous. 1778 01:07:05,660 --> 01:07:07,290 I've never seen anything like her. 1779 01:07:07,490 --> 01:07:09,420 - [squawking] - I named her Whore. 1780 01:07:09,620 --> 01:07:10,960 I didn't thank you for that? 1781 01:07:11,160 --> 01:07:12,880 You're welcome. You ready? 1782 01:07:13,080 --> 01:07:14,890 I am ready. 1783 01:07:15,080 --> 01:07:16,390 Okay, one, 1784 01:07:16,590 --> 01:07:18,470 two, three, 1785 01:07:18,670 --> 01:07:19,640 - go. - Go. 1786 01:07:19,840 --> 01:07:22,100 [Jeopardy! theme playing] 1787 01:07:22,300 --> 01:07:23,600 Such a pleasant tune. 1788 01:07:23,800 --> 01:07:26,150 Mm, really pleasant tune. 1789 01:07:26,350 --> 01:07:29,150 [Johnny Gilbert] The Ultimate Tournament of Champions. 1790 01:07:29,350 --> 01:07:31,610 - [bird squawks] - Will it be a retail specialist 1791 01:07:31,810 --> 01:07:33,530 from Louisville, Kentucky, Chris Miller, 1792 01:07:33,730 --> 01:07:36,450 who, yesterday, won $10,000? 1793 01:07:36,650 --> 01:07:37,830 - [applause] - An investment analyst... 1794 01:07:38,020 --> 01:07:39,910 They had a meeting here and we're going over dates 1795 01:07:40,110 --> 01:07:42,580 and I look down. Tuesday's empty. 1796 01:07:42,780 --> 01:07:43,710 Oops. 1797 01:07:43,910 --> 01:07:45,460 - Feel sorry for Delia. - I mean, 1798 01:07:45,660 --> 01:07:46,630 it's wide open, Susie. 1799 01:07:46,830 --> 01:07:47,630 And when I questioned it, 1800 01:07:47,830 --> 01:07:49,040 she looked at me like I'm insane. 1801 01:07:49,240 --> 01:07:50,880 [chuckles] You want me to call her? 1802 01:07:51,080 --> 01:07:53,220 I want you to come back to work. 1803 01:07:53,410 --> 01:07:55,130 I've done my time. 1804 01:07:55,330 --> 01:07:56,640 I'll call her tomorrow. 1805 01:07:56,840 --> 01:07:58,430 I think I'm gonna take the champ. 1806 01:07:58,630 --> 01:07:59,890 Okay. I got bushy beard man. 1807 01:08:00,090 --> 01:08:01,930 [Alex Trebek] Here we go, the Jeopardy! round. 1808 01:08:02,130 --> 01:08:03,480 Gonna be a good match. 1809 01:08:03,680 --> 01:08:05,480 Should we make it a little more interesting? 1810 01:08:05,680 --> 01:08:07,480 It's been interesting for 45 years. 1811 01:08:07,680 --> 01:08:09,190 I'm not sure how we're gonna top it now. 1812 01:08:09,390 --> 01:08:10,480 Let's do... 1813 01:08:10,680 --> 01:08:12,480 Forbes' Billionaires, $200. 1814 01:08:12,680 --> 01:08:14,530 [Trebek] March was a great month for her: 1815 01:08:14,730 --> 01:08:16,160 she made her debut on the Forbes list... 1816 01:08:16,350 --> 01:08:17,160 - Martha Stewart. - Oh. The chick who went 1817 01:08:17,360 --> 01:08:18,870 to jail 'cause she's a broad, 1818 01:08:19,070 --> 01:08:20,700 even though every other guy who does the same fucking thing 1819 01:08:20,900 --> 01:08:22,240 is walking around completely free. 1820 01:08:22,440 --> 01:08:23,250 - Who is Martha Stewart? - Yes. 1821 01:08:23,440 --> 01:08:24,370 [Brad] Billionaires for $600. 1822 01:08:24,570 --> 01:08:26,210 I think he would've given me that one. 1823 01:08:26,410 --> 01:08:27,620 [Trebek] ...but this septuagenarian 1824 01:08:27,820 --> 01:08:29,840 member of the Disney family is still on it. 1825 01:08:30,030 --> 01:08:31,250 - John? - Who is Roy Disney? 1826 01:08:31,450 --> 01:08:33,050 - [Trebek] Roy Disney. - Oh, he's a nice man. 1827 01:08:33,250 --> 01:08:34,760 - Predators for $600. - Are we gonna keep... 1828 01:08:34,960 --> 01:08:36,510 How do you think I'd look in a goatee? 1829 01:08:36,710 --> 01:08:38,010 [Susie] Why would that even occur to you? 1830 01:08:38,210 --> 01:08:39,760 Well, if there is reincarnation, 1831 01:08:39,960 --> 01:08:42,310 I could come back as a man and I want to have a look. 1832 01:08:42,510 --> 01:08:44,220 - Are you bald? - Why? 1833 01:08:44,420 --> 01:08:45,730 Because I think if you're bald, 1834 01:08:45,930 --> 01:08:48,270 it's weird if all the hair you have is under your chin. 1835 01:08:48,470 --> 01:08:50,440 Hmm? Goatee looks better with a full head of hair. 1836 01:08:50,640 --> 01:08:51,770 That is ridiculous. 1837 01:08:51,970 --> 01:08:52,820 That is ridiculous? 1838 01:08:53,020 --> 01:08:54,190 Not this entire conversation? 1839 01:08:54,390 --> 01:08:56,400 You don't ever imagine what you'd come back as 1840 01:08:56,600 --> 01:08:58,070 - if you came back? - No. 1841 01:08:58,270 --> 01:08:59,780 I still have all my marbles. 1842 01:08:59,980 --> 01:09:01,740 I think about it all the time. 1843 01:09:01,940 --> 01:09:03,580 Who would I be? Where would I live? 1844 01:09:03,780 --> 01:09:05,540 - What if I was an animal? - Oh, boy. 1845 01:09:05,740 --> 01:09:07,370 I think I'd make a cute squirrel. 1846 01:09:07,570 --> 01:09:08,620 Or a swan. 1847 01:09:08,820 --> 01:09:10,290 Or a wild mustang. 1848 01:09:10,490 --> 01:09:12,630 I'd be a great wild mustang. What about you? 1849 01:09:12,830 --> 01:09:14,550 I am not coming back as anything. 1850 01:09:14,750 --> 01:09:15,670 Come on. 1851 01:09:15,870 --> 01:09:17,550 I am fine being dead. I prefer it. 1852 01:09:17,750 --> 01:09:19,130 Any animal, what would you be? 1853 01:09:19,330 --> 01:09:21,090 [sighs] 1854 01:09:21,290 --> 01:09:23,220 - Skunk. - [scoffs] Why? 1855 01:09:23,420 --> 01:09:25,060 Mm, great fur. Cute face. 1856 01:09:25,260 --> 01:09:26,350 And your ass is a weapon. 1857 01:09:26,550 --> 01:09:28,270 [snorts] That does seem like you. 1858 01:09:28,470 --> 01:09:29,310 [chuckles] Right? 1859 01:09:29,510 --> 01:09:31,360 Walking down the street, someone bumps me, 1860 01:09:31,550 --> 01:09:33,480 turn, tail up... bam! 1861 01:09:33,680 --> 01:09:35,360 - [snorts] I can picture it. - [chuckles] Yeah. 1862 01:09:35,560 --> 01:09:37,690 And I look back over my shoulder while I do it. 1863 01:09:37,890 --> 01:09:39,530 And you're wearing your cap. 1864 01:09:39,730 --> 01:09:40,610 [laughs] 1865 01:09:40,810 --> 01:09:41,780 - That's right, buddy. - [laughs] 1866 01:09:41,980 --> 01:09:43,240 That smell? That's you. 1867 01:09:43,440 --> 01:09:45,290 - Enjoy your tomato juice bath. - [laughs] 1868 01:09:45,490 --> 01:09:48,000 - Tomato juice bath. [laughs] - [laughing] 1869 01:09:48,200 --> 01:09:50,330 - Yeah, throw-throw a celery stalk in there. - [laughing] 1870 01:09:50,530 --> 01:09:51,630 You're gonna be a while. 1871 01:09:51,820 --> 01:09:54,250 - [laughs] Celery stalk. - [laughs] 1872 01:09:54,450 --> 01:09:56,550 - Next time, you're gonna look where you're walking. - [laughing] 1873 01:09:56,750 --> 01:09:58,760 Huh? [laughs] 1874 01:09:58,960 --> 01:10:00,840 Pepé Le Jew over here, huh? 1875 01:10:01,040 --> 01:10:03,510 [laughing] 1876 01:10:03,710 --> 01:10:05,660 [laughing continues] 1877 01:10:10,830 --> 01:10:12,520 - [Midge] Oh, it hurts. Stop. - [Susie laughing] 1878 01:10:12,720 --> 01:10:14,660 [Midge and Susie laughing] 1879 01:10:19,000 --> 01:10:20,030 ♪ Girls talk ♪ 1880 01:10:20,230 --> 01:10:22,170 {\an8}[♪ "Girls Talk"] 1881 01:10:27,090 --> 01:10:30,160 {\an8}♪ There are some things you can't cover up ♪ 1882 01:10:30,360 --> 01:10:33,390 {\an8}♪ With lipstick and powder ♪ 1883 01:10:34,390 --> 01:10:37,250 {\an8}♪ Thought I heard you mention my name ♪ 1884 01:10:37,450 --> 01:10:40,650 {\an8}♪ Can't you talk any louder? ♪ 1885 01:10:41,730 --> 01:10:43,180 {\an8}♪ Don't come any closer ♪ 1886 01:10:43,380 --> 01:10:44,850 {\an8}♪ Don't come any nearer ♪ 1887 01:10:45,040 --> 01:10:46,640 {\an8}♪ My vision of you ♪ 1888 01:10:46,840 --> 01:10:48,930 {\an8}♪ Can't come any clearer ♪ 1889 01:10:49,130 --> 01:10:51,810 {\an8}♪ Oh, I ♪ 1890 01:10:52,010 --> 01:10:55,660 {\an8}♪ Just want to hear girls talk ♪ 1891 01:10:57,000 --> 01:10:59,780 {\an8}♪ Got a loaded imagination ♪ 1892 01:10:59,980 --> 01:11:03,210 {\an8}♪ Bein' fired by girls talk ♪ 1893 01:11:04,420 --> 01:11:07,530 {\an8}♪ It's a more or less situation ♪ 1894 01:11:07,730 --> 01:11:11,120 {\an8}♪ Inspired by girls talk ♪ 1895 01:11:11,320 --> 01:11:13,210 {\an8}- ♪ But I can't say ♪ - ♪ Can't say ♪ 1896 01:11:13,410 --> 01:11:15,830 {\an8}- ♪ The words you want to hear ♪ - ♪ Want to hear ♪ 1897 01:11:16,030 --> 01:11:17,880 {\an8}♪ I suppose you're gonna have to ♪ 1898 01:11:18,080 --> 01:11:20,960 {\an8}♪ Play it by ear right here ♪ 1899 01:11:21,160 --> 01:11:23,090 {\an8}♪ And now ♪ 1900 01:11:23,290 --> 01:11:24,130 {\an8}♪ Girls talk ♪ 1901 01:11:24,330 --> 01:11:26,890 {\an8}♪ And they want to know how ♪ 1902 01:11:27,090 --> 01:11:28,850 {\an8}- ♪ Girls talk ♪ - ♪ And they say ♪ 1903 01:11:29,050 --> 01:11:30,640 {\an8}♪ It's not allowed ♪ 1904 01:11:30,840 --> 01:11:32,890 {\an8}- ♪ Girls talk ♪ - ♪ If they say that it's so ♪ 1905 01:11:33,090 --> 01:11:38,900 {\an8}♪ Don't you think that I'd know by now? ♪ 1906 01:11:39,100 --> 01:11:42,150 {\an8}♪ Got the word up on everyone's lipstick ♪ 1907 01:11:42,350 --> 01:11:44,920 {\an8}♪ That you're getting faded ♪ 1908 01:11:46,630 --> 01:11:48,830 {\an8}♪ You may not be an old-fashioned girl ♪ 1909 01:11:49,030 --> 01:11:52,870 {\an8}♪ But you're gonna get dated ♪ 1910 01:11:53,070 --> 01:11:55,500 {\an8}♪ Was it really murder? ♪ 1911 01:11:55,700 --> 01:11:57,000 {\an8}♪ Were you just pretending? ♪ 1912 01:11:57,200 --> 01:11:58,920 {\an8}♪ Lately I have heard ♪ 1913 01:11:59,120 --> 01:12:02,690 {\an8}♪ You are the living end ♪ 1914 01:12:04,570 --> 01:12:05,840 {\an8}♪ Girls talk ♪ 1915 01:12:06,040 --> 01:12:08,180 {\an8}♪ And they want to know how ♪ 1916 01:12:08,380 --> 01:12:09,720 {\an8}♪ Girls talk ♪ 1917 01:12:09,920 --> 01:12:11,810 {\an8}♪ And they say it's not allowed ♪ 1918 01:12:12,010 --> 01:12:13,810 {\an8}- ♪ Girls talk ♪ - ♪ And they think ♪ 1919 01:12:14,010 --> 01:12:16,560 {\an8}- ♪ They know how ♪ - ♪ Girls talk ♪ 1920 01:12:16,760 --> 01:12:18,480 {\an8}♪ If they say that it's so ♪ 1921 01:12:18,680 --> 01:12:23,960 {\an8}♪ Don't you think that I'd know by now? ♪ 1922 01:12:25,710 --> 01:12:27,630 {\an8}♪ ♪ 1923 01:12:38,680 --> 01:12:40,250 {\an8}♪ But I can't say ♪ 1924 01:12:40,450 --> 01:12:42,380 {\an8}♪ The words you want to hear ♪ 1925 01:12:42,580 --> 01:12:44,420 {\an8}♪ I suppose you're gonna ♪ 1926 01:12:44,620 --> 01:12:46,930 {\an8}♪ Have to play it by ear ♪ 1927 01:12:47,130 --> 01:12:48,680 {\an8}- ♪ Right here ♪ - ♪ There are some things ♪ 1928 01:12:48,880 --> 01:12:53,660 {\an8}♪ You can't cover up with lipstick and powder ♪ 1929 01:12:55,030 --> 01:12:57,730 {\an8}♪ But I heard you mention my name ♪ 1930 01:12:57,930 --> 01:13:01,290 {\an8}♪ Can't you talk any louder? ♪ 1931 01:13:02,330 --> 01:13:03,650 {\an8}♪ Don't come any closer ♪ 1932 01:13:03,850 --> 01:13:05,820 {\an8}♪ Don't come any nearer ♪ 1933 01:13:06,020 --> 01:13:06,900 {\an8}♪ My vision of you ♪ 1934 01:13:07,100 --> 01:13:10,990 {\an8}♪ Can't come any clearer ♪ 1935 01:13:11,190 --> 01:13:12,530 {\an8}- ♪ Girls talk ♪ - ♪ And they want ♪ 1936 01:13:12,730 --> 01:13:15,620 {\an8}- ♪ To know how ♪ - ♪ Girls talk ♪ 1937 01:13:15,820 --> 01:13:18,370 {\an8}♪ And they say it's not allowed ♪ 1938 01:13:18,570 --> 01:13:19,460 {\an8}♪ Girls talk ♪ 1939 01:13:19,660 --> 01:13:22,380 {\an8}♪ And they think they know how ♪ 1940 01:13:22,580 --> 01:13:24,850 {\an8}♪ Girls talk, girls talk ♪ 1941 01:13:26,060 --> 01:13:27,590 {\an8}♪ Girls talk ♪ 1942 01:13:27,790 --> 01:13:30,340 {\an8}♪ Girls talk, girls talk ♪ 1943 01:13:30,540 --> 01:13:33,470 {\an8}♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ 1944 01:13:33,670 --> 01:13:35,350 {\an8}♪ Girls talk ♪ 1945 01:13:35,550 --> 01:13:37,240 {\an8}♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪♪