1 00:00:07,170 --> 00:00:08,490 - [television audience laughing] - Where's Nancy? 2 00:00:08,690 --> 00:00:09,490 The food's getting cold. 3 00:00:09,690 --> 00:00:10,660 - She's got a date. - Oh. 4 00:00:10,860 --> 00:00:12,240 A date? 5 00:00:12,440 --> 00:00:14,580 With a boy? 6 00:00:14,780 --> 00:00:17,790 Yes, dear, a date. Potatoes? 7 00:00:17,990 --> 00:00:19,420 Don't try to distract me with potatoes. 8 00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:20,750 [Carole] But you love potatoes. 9 00:00:20,950 --> 00:00:21,790 I don't want to talk about potatoes. 10 00:00:21,990 --> 00:00:24,550 - Okay. Carrots? - [Moishe laughs] 11 00:00:24,750 --> 00:00:26,710 Carole, our daughter is 15. 12 00:00:26,910 --> 00:00:28,680 - [Carole] Danny... - No dating till she's married. 13 00:00:28,870 --> 00:00:30,720 Then her husband can decide when she dates. 14 00:00:30,920 --> 00:00:31,800 [laughs] 15 00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:32,850 I wonder if he's going to 16 00:00:33,050 --> 00:00:33,850 let her go to the dance. 17 00:00:34,050 --> 00:00:34,890 Carole bought her a dress 18 00:00:35,090 --> 00:00:36,060 and she cut the tags. 19 00:00:36,260 --> 00:00:37,850 He's going to have to let her go to the dance. 20 00:00:38,050 --> 00:00:39,520 Boy, that Nancy is a handful. 21 00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:41,100 Thank God we didn't have a girl. 22 00:00:41,300 --> 00:00:43,560 Ignore Grandma, she's drunk. 23 00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:45,530 [Midge] Well, I think it's plenty of space for a gathering. 24 00:00:45,720 --> 00:00:47,400 [Rose] I guess if I move the dining room table out of here, 25 00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:49,700 I could set up a punch bowl station and... 26 00:00:49,900 --> 00:00:52,120 There's that smell again. Is it the drapes? 27 00:00:52,310 --> 00:00:53,280 No, I don't think... 28 00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:54,530 Anyhow, I'd really like to be able 29 00:00:54,730 --> 00:00:55,870 to give them dance lessons. 30 00:00:56,070 --> 00:00:56,870 Every girl should know 31 00:00:57,070 --> 00:00:58,160 how to do a proper... [sniffs] 32 00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:00,540 Wait. Is it the carpet? 33 00:01:00,740 --> 00:01:02,710 - I already sniffed down there. - Where is it coming from? 34 00:01:02,910 --> 00:01:04,000 - Follow me. - What are you doing? 35 00:01:04,200 --> 00:01:05,710 I'm gonna race him down the hall. 36 00:01:05,910 --> 00:01:06,960 - [Moishe laughs] - I just want to see 37 00:01:07,160 --> 00:01:08,340 if he can outrun me. 38 00:01:08,540 --> 00:01:09,920 Well, of course he can outrun you. 39 00:01:10,120 --> 00:01:11,510 He's going to give himself a heart attack. 40 00:01:11,710 --> 00:01:13,090 Thank God we didn't have a girl. 41 00:01:13,290 --> 00:01:14,850 They're the worst. 42 00:01:15,050 --> 00:01:15,890 Ignore Grandma, honey. 43 00:01:16,090 --> 00:01:17,310 And Grandpa. Ignore him, too. 44 00:01:17,510 --> 00:01:18,560 [Rose] It's the piano. 45 00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:20,730 The piano smells like onions? 46 00:01:20,930 --> 00:01:21,890 Just the black keys. 47 00:01:22,090 --> 00:01:23,600 - Shirley? - [Shirley] Yes? 48 00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:25,230 The black keys on the piano smell like onions. 49 00:01:25,430 --> 00:01:27,110 - And? - Why? 50 00:01:27,310 --> 00:01:29,650 It's a used piano. [laughs] 51 00:01:29,850 --> 00:01:32,450 [Carole] Danny, honestly, is this really necessary? 52 00:01:32,650 --> 00:01:33,700 You know he's going to be 53 00:01:33,900 --> 00:01:35,280 on The Gordon Ford Show tomorrow night. 54 00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:36,740 - Danny Stevens? Really? - Uh-huh. 55 00:01:36,940 --> 00:01:37,740 Oh, my God. I love him. 56 00:01:37,940 --> 00:01:39,500 There's nothing he can't do. 57 00:01:39,700 --> 00:01:41,540 He sings, he dances. 58 00:01:41,740 --> 00:01:43,540 He visits sick children. Constantly. 59 00:01:43,740 --> 00:01:45,670 - Can't stay away from them. - The sicker the better. 60 00:01:45,870 --> 00:01:47,710 You guys want to come to the show tomorrow? Watch him live? 61 00:01:47,910 --> 00:01:49,590 - Are you serious? - We would love that. 62 00:01:49,790 --> 00:01:50,970 How would we get tickets? 63 00:01:51,160 --> 00:01:52,010 Well, lucky for you, 64 00:01:52,210 --> 00:01:53,510 you've got someone on the inside. 65 00:01:53,710 --> 00:01:55,010 How fabulous. Who? 66 00:01:55,210 --> 00:01:56,930 Me. I'm on the inside. 67 00:01:57,130 --> 00:01:58,970 - I don't understand. - I work on the show. 68 00:01:59,170 --> 00:02:00,770 So, you know someone who can get us tickets? 69 00:02:00,970 --> 00:02:02,830 Yes. Me. 70 00:02:04,700 --> 00:02:06,560 I can get you tickets. 71 00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:07,940 Because I work on the show. 72 00:02:08,140 --> 00:02:08,980 So I'm there. 73 00:02:09,180 --> 00:02:10,400 I don't know what she's saying. 74 00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:11,650 [Rose] If I air out that piano, 75 00:02:11,850 --> 00:02:13,150 replace all the artwork, 76 00:02:13,350 --> 00:02:14,910 lose the doilies and the plastic, 77 00:02:15,110 --> 00:02:17,530 add some flowers, some pillows, paint, maybe... 78 00:02:17,730 --> 00:02:19,330 - Shirley, I'll think about it. - Think about what? 79 00:02:19,530 --> 00:02:21,290 Oh, she wants a place to throw a party 80 00:02:21,490 --> 00:02:23,040 for those sad, lonely women who pay her for a husband. 81 00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:25,170 May I just say, thank God we didn't have a girl. 82 00:02:25,370 --> 00:02:27,130 We sure dodged a bullet there, boy. 83 00:02:27,330 --> 00:02:30,000 - Ignore Grandma, sweetie. - Grandpa, too. 84 00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:31,550 - [Danny] Nancy. - [Nancy] I know, Daddy. 85 00:02:31,750 --> 00:02:33,760 Let's just make that a blanket rule, shall we? 86 00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:36,010 [Shirley laughs] 87 00:02:36,210 --> 00:02:37,550 [Rose] Thank you again. 88 00:02:37,750 --> 00:02:39,260 [Shirley] You're welcome. 89 00:02:39,460 --> 00:02:42,560 Miriam, have whoever's getting us the tickets give us a call. 90 00:02:42,760 --> 00:02:44,520 I'm getting you the tickets. 91 00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:46,150 - So, they'll call? - Yes, they'll call. 92 00:02:46,350 --> 00:02:47,770 We're so excit... 93 00:02:47,970 --> 00:02:49,400 [Midge sighs] 94 00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:51,190 So, what's the verdict? 95 00:02:51,390 --> 00:02:53,320 Well, the bathrooms work, and there's a roof. 96 00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:55,110 You can always just have it at our apartment. 97 00:02:55,310 --> 00:02:57,070 Too small. I hired a dance instructor. 98 00:02:57,270 --> 00:02:59,410 - Where will he instruct? - Then you'll have to rent a hall. 99 00:02:59,610 --> 00:03:01,870 - With what money, Miriam? - So, skip the dance instructor? 100 00:03:02,070 --> 00:03:05,060 You know absolutely nothing about love. 101 00:03:08,640 --> 00:03:10,640 {\an8}[♪ Francis Lai: "Theme from Love Story"] 102 00:03:13,190 --> 00:03:14,440 {\an8}[man] Cue the fan. 103 00:03:16,900 --> 00:03:18,890 Close your eyes. 104 00:03:19,090 --> 00:03:21,310 Picture "love." 105 00:03:21,510 --> 00:03:24,430 Do you see a handsome, academic husband? 106 00:03:24,630 --> 00:03:28,730 Children? A modern apartment with skyline views? 107 00:03:28,930 --> 00:03:31,770 Or do you see a successful orthodontist, 108 00:03:31,970 --> 00:03:35,960 children, and a two-story colonial somewhere suburban? 109 00:03:37,340 --> 00:03:41,080 Perhaps it's a strapping, strong, high-end contractor, 110 00:03:41,270 --> 00:03:43,580 children, in a renovated farmhouse 111 00:03:43,780 --> 00:03:45,660 that makes your heart skip a beat. 112 00:03:45,860 --> 00:03:47,620 Whatever "love" looks like to you, 113 00:03:47,820 --> 00:03:49,890 I can help you find it. 114 00:03:51,140 --> 00:03:54,590 Here at Rose Weissman's "One Plus One Equals Love" 115 00:03:54,790 --> 00:03:56,800 - romance emporium... - [crewman clears throat softly] 116 00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:58,800 ...we cater to your every 117 00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:00,470 romantic... 118 00:04:00,670 --> 00:04:02,990 Every romantic... 119 00:04:04,530 --> 00:04:06,230 Every... I don't know what you're doing. 120 00:04:06,430 --> 00:04:07,730 Cut. 121 00:04:07,930 --> 00:04:09,690 [Rose] I'm sorry, but he's flapping his arms 122 00:04:09,890 --> 00:04:11,500 like he's flying south for the winter. 123 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:14,030 What? 124 00:04:14,220 --> 00:04:16,190 So, Rose, you look wonderful. 125 00:04:16,390 --> 00:04:17,780 - Thank you. - Now, Kurt here 126 00:04:17,980 --> 00:04:21,370 was just trying to tell you to keep moving. 127 00:04:21,570 --> 00:04:23,530 Remember? You got to keep moving 128 00:04:23,730 --> 00:04:26,620 until you hit this mark, here. You see? 129 00:04:26,820 --> 00:04:28,210 Yes, but it just feels so awkward, 130 00:04:28,410 --> 00:04:29,750 and there are so many stairs. 131 00:04:29,950 --> 00:04:31,130 Well, you look wonderful. 132 00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:32,540 Can't I just do it from up there? 133 00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:34,050 That's not where your end light is. 134 00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:35,800 Well, maybe if I didn't have to... 135 00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:39,090 You do. But you really look wonderful. 136 00:04:39,290 --> 00:04:40,590 No. 137 00:04:40,790 --> 00:04:41,800 Miriam? 138 00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:43,320 Coming. 139 00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:46,970 Hi. What's up? It's going great. 140 00:04:47,170 --> 00:04:48,350 - It is? - Yes. 141 00:04:48,550 --> 00:04:49,390 There's a considerable amount 142 00:04:49,590 --> 00:04:50,650 of groaning from the crew. 143 00:04:50,840 --> 00:04:51,980 - That seems bad. - Nope. 144 00:04:52,180 --> 00:04:53,980 196 takes is completely the norm. 145 00:04:54,180 --> 00:04:55,820 [Rose] This is ridiculous. I need to lie down. 146 00:04:56,020 --> 00:04:57,780 [Midge] Mama, you wanted this, 147 00:04:57,980 --> 00:05:00,280 remember? You wanted to take the business regionally. 148 00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:02,450 You wanted to shoot a commercial. 149 00:05:02,650 --> 00:05:05,870 Hey, everyone. We're doing great here. Almost ready. 150 00:05:06,070 --> 00:05:07,910 I am not an on-camera person. 151 00:05:08,110 --> 00:05:09,660 Sure you are. Right, Eddie? 152 00:05:09,860 --> 00:05:11,040 She looks wonderful. 153 00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:12,580 He's very good. 154 00:05:12,780 --> 00:05:14,170 I don't understand why we can't get 155 00:05:14,370 --> 00:05:15,460 someone else to play me. 156 00:05:15,660 --> 00:05:17,550 - Like who? - Doris Day. 157 00:05:17,750 --> 00:05:19,970 Doris Day doesn't scream "Rose Weissman." 158 00:05:20,170 --> 00:05:21,130 You do it. 159 00:05:21,330 --> 00:05:23,510 Your face still has traces of my face in it, 160 00:05:23,710 --> 00:05:25,260 so it's almost the same face. 161 00:05:25,460 --> 00:05:27,850 That's a weird way of saying "you've had work done." 162 00:05:28,050 --> 00:05:29,520 I'm ruining it. 163 00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:31,730 This whole thing that you've put together, 164 00:05:31,930 --> 00:05:33,940 I'm ruining it and making a complete fool of myself 165 00:05:34,140 --> 00:05:36,020 - in the process. - I'll tell you what. 166 00:05:36,220 --> 00:05:37,480 Forget about the walking. 167 00:05:37,680 --> 00:05:39,400 You stand here, in your light. 168 00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:41,320 I'll stand there, next to the camera, 169 00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:42,910 and you can just talk to me. 170 00:05:43,110 --> 00:05:44,990 Stand there and tell me all about love 171 00:05:45,190 --> 00:05:46,450 and how to get a husband. 172 00:05:46,650 --> 00:05:48,200 Okay, let's roll. 173 00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:49,410 [man] Quiet on set, please. 174 00:05:49,610 --> 00:05:50,790 - Mama... - [crew member shushing] 175 00:05:50,990 --> 00:05:52,770 ...you really do look wonderful. 176 00:05:53,970 --> 00:05:56,250 [man 2] "One Plus One Equals Love," take 197. Mark. 177 00:05:56,450 --> 00:05:59,050 [♪ Francis Lai: "Theme from Love Story"] 178 00:05:59,250 --> 00:06:02,480 Close your eyes and picture love... 179 00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:08,680 {\an8}[Rose] Miriam? 180 00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:10,180 - Miriam? - [clicking] 181 00:06:10,380 --> 00:06:11,810 [Midge] What? 182 00:06:12,010 --> 00:06:13,270 The stove won't light again. 183 00:06:13,470 --> 00:06:14,520 [Midge] Did you turn it on? 184 00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:15,980 Of course I turned it on. 185 00:06:16,180 --> 00:06:17,770 [Midge] Sometimes you don't turn it on. 186 00:06:17,970 --> 00:06:20,400 One time, I didn't turn it on. One time. 187 00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:22,360 - Stand still. - [Rose] What? 188 00:06:22,560 --> 00:06:23,530 Not you. 189 00:06:23,730 --> 00:06:25,360 [Rose] Miriam, why am I standing still? 190 00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:26,740 - Not you. Esther. - Ah... 191 00:06:26,940 --> 00:06:28,030 Hold still. 192 00:06:28,230 --> 00:06:29,870 [Midge] Papa, get Ethan ready to go. 193 00:06:30,070 --> 00:06:31,870 I'm busy with his piano lesson. 194 00:06:32,070 --> 00:06:34,000 [Midge] He needs to get ready for school. 195 00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:35,750 - [Rose] I can't make tea. - [Midge] Stop it, Esther. 196 00:06:35,950 --> 00:06:37,170 - [Esther] Ow. Mama, stop. - This is a good time 197 00:06:37,370 --> 00:06:38,460 to learn how to tune out 198 00:06:38,660 --> 00:06:40,420 everything in your life but the music. 199 00:06:40,620 --> 00:06:41,420 - Ow! - Stand still. 200 00:06:41,620 --> 00:06:42,550 I need some tea! 201 00:06:42,750 --> 00:06:44,510 Have you ever seen Vladimir Horowitz 202 00:06:44,710 --> 00:06:46,140 hold a toy in one hand 203 00:06:46,330 --> 00:06:48,350 while playing Rachmaninoff with the other? 204 00:06:48,550 --> 00:06:50,100 I'll answer for you. You have not. 205 00:06:50,300 --> 00:06:51,720 - Papa? - Abe! 206 00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:52,930 I don't like this. 207 00:06:53,130 --> 00:06:54,850 Well, right now, no one is enjoying it. 208 00:06:55,050 --> 00:06:56,310 I need help with the stove. 209 00:06:56,510 --> 00:06:57,860 I need help with her hair. 210 00:06:58,050 --> 00:06:59,570 I'm busy with the boy. 211 00:06:59,760 --> 00:07:02,110 Okay, stop. [sighs] 212 00:07:02,310 --> 00:07:04,780 I will play the piece for you again. 213 00:07:04,980 --> 00:07:06,670 Really listen, huh? 214 00:07:07,670 --> 00:07:09,620 This is what you are aspiring to. 215 00:07:09,820 --> 00:07:13,200 [♪ Mozart: "Sonata K. 545"] 216 00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:14,970 See how nice it sounds without the car? 217 00:07:16,010 --> 00:07:17,330 Oh, thank God, Zelda. 218 00:07:17,530 --> 00:07:19,000 - [clicking] - This morning's been a nightmare. 219 00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:20,710 - The pilot's out. - What? 220 00:07:20,910 --> 00:07:24,010 Miriam, the pilot's out. Abe, the pilot's out. 221 00:07:24,210 --> 00:07:25,800 It's fine. Easy to fix. 222 00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:27,680 Miriam, it's easy to fix. 223 00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:30,010 Abe, Zelda's here. She says it's easy to fix. 224 00:07:30,210 --> 00:07:32,600 - What? - [Rose] Zelda's gonna fix the stove. 225 00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:34,390 Well, what's wrong with the stove? 226 00:07:34,590 --> 00:07:36,060 The pilot light is out, Mr. Weissman. 227 00:07:36,260 --> 00:07:37,060 [Abe] Zelda? 228 00:07:37,260 --> 00:07:38,100 What are you doing here? 229 00:07:38,300 --> 00:07:39,650 She's fixing the stove. 230 00:07:39,850 --> 00:07:40,940 Oh. Okay. 231 00:07:41,140 --> 00:07:42,610 So, like I showed you last time, 232 00:07:42,810 --> 00:07:44,530 all you have to do is light a match, see? 233 00:07:44,730 --> 00:07:45,950 Then you hold it here, 234 00:07:46,140 --> 00:07:47,490 turn the knob, and then it's lit. 235 00:07:47,690 --> 00:07:49,200 My goodness. So complicated. 236 00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:50,530 Not complicated at all. 237 00:07:50,730 --> 00:07:51,780 I showed you before many, many times. 238 00:07:51,980 --> 00:07:53,450 - Did you look in the book? - The book? 239 00:07:53,650 --> 00:07:55,450 The book I made you, remember? 240 00:07:55,650 --> 00:07:58,460 All labeled, and there's pictures. 241 00:07:58,660 --> 00:08:02,130 See, right here under "No flame in stove for tea" 242 00:08:02,330 --> 00:08:04,340 is "How to fix no flame in stove for tea." 243 00:08:04,540 --> 00:08:07,170 Very easy. A picture of teacup and everything. 244 00:08:07,370 --> 00:08:09,090 Yes, well, luckily it's working now. 245 00:08:09,290 --> 00:08:10,760 Maybe you could try for next time? 246 00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:13,060 Oh, please, if I did that, I'd blow the entire building up. 247 00:08:13,260 --> 00:08:14,180 [Midge] Did she fix it yet? 248 00:08:14,380 --> 00:08:15,720 [Rose] She did. She's a genius. 249 00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:18,060 Shoot, I wanted to see her do it. For next time. 250 00:08:18,260 --> 00:08:19,650 It's all in the book I made you. 251 00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:21,060 - [Midge] Where'd that come from? - I have no idea. 252 00:08:21,260 --> 00:08:23,190 It comes from me. I made the book. 253 00:08:23,390 --> 00:08:25,730 Oh, look, it has pictures. Fun. 254 00:08:25,930 --> 00:08:26,990 I am double-parked, Zelda. 255 00:08:27,190 --> 00:08:28,450 Oh, do you want some tea, Janusz? 256 00:08:28,650 --> 00:08:29,910 - We have flame. - No, thank you. 257 00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:31,410 - You want to come in, Janusz? - No. I am fine here. 258 00:08:31,610 --> 00:08:33,030 [both speaking Polish] Just come in and sit. 259 00:08:33,230 --> 00:08:34,870 I do not want to come in and sit. 260 00:08:35,070 --> 00:08:36,790 This will just take a minute. 261 00:08:36,990 --> 00:08:39,250 You say that and then we spend the whole day here. 262 00:08:39,450 --> 00:08:40,960 Oh, my god, you have to light a match? 263 00:08:41,160 --> 00:08:42,920 If I did this, I'd blow the entire building up. 264 00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:44,840 You would not blow the entire building up. 265 00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:46,630 She might blow the entire building up. 266 00:08:46,830 --> 00:08:47,880 Then let her. 267 00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:48,970 Janusz. 268 00:08:49,170 --> 00:08:50,090 You want some tea, Miriam? 269 00:08:50,290 --> 00:08:51,220 No, I can't be late for work today. 270 00:08:51,420 --> 00:08:52,760 Danny Stevens is on the show tonight, 271 00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:55,350 and Gordon warned us to be on time and bring our A game, 272 00:08:55,550 --> 00:08:56,680 and I have to stop by Ethan's school 273 00:08:56,880 --> 00:08:58,310 - for this parent thing first. - Hi, Zelda. 274 00:08:58,510 --> 00:09:01,230 - Can you fix this? - Of course I can. 275 00:09:01,430 --> 00:09:03,110 - Zelda. - What? 276 00:09:03,310 --> 00:09:05,730 You have to stop helping these people! 277 00:09:05,930 --> 00:09:08,460 - You don't work here anymore. - It's a little girl's hair. 278 00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:11,110 They didn't know there was a higher shelf 279 00:09:11,310 --> 00:09:12,870 in the linen closet. 280 00:09:13,060 --> 00:09:16,160 - [kettle whistles] - They forgot how to stack wood in a fireplace. 281 00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:19,160 A bird flew in and they could not think... 282 00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:22,330 ...to just open a window to let it out. 283 00:09:22,530 --> 00:09:24,340 They are grown people. 284 00:09:24,530 --> 00:09:25,670 They have to learn to take care of themselves. 285 00:09:25,870 --> 00:09:26,670 They can't! 286 00:09:26,870 --> 00:09:28,340 Zelda... 287 00:09:28,540 --> 00:09:31,130 Back in the old country... 288 00:09:31,330 --> 00:09:36,430 ...when a horse is lame, it is useless, so you shoot it. 289 00:09:36,630 --> 00:09:40,890 This is an entire house full of extremely lame horses! 290 00:09:41,090 --> 00:09:42,600 - [telephone rings] - Zelda, could you get that? 291 00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:43,730 No. 292 00:09:43,930 --> 00:09:46,270 Do not answer the phone! 293 00:09:46,470 --> 00:09:48,730 [rings] 294 00:09:48,930 --> 00:09:50,740 Mrs. Weissman, excuse me, 295 00:09:50,940 --> 00:09:52,320 but I feel very confident 296 00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:55,240 that you know how to answer a phone. 297 00:09:55,440 --> 00:09:56,990 Oh. Okay. 298 00:09:57,190 --> 00:09:58,450 [rings] 299 00:09:58,650 --> 00:10:01,040 Excuse me, but I know how to play. 300 00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:02,540 [rings] 301 00:10:02,740 --> 00:10:04,710 [Midge] Oh, that's what a fireplace flue is. 302 00:10:04,910 --> 00:10:06,170 I've always wondered. 303 00:10:06,370 --> 00:10:09,090 - [Abe] Once more, with feeling. - Hello? 304 00:10:09,290 --> 00:10:11,420 [Midge] We have a fuse box? 305 00:10:11,620 --> 00:10:12,980 What? 306 00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:16,390 Stopper's out, I don't know why it's not going down. 307 00:10:16,590 --> 00:10:17,550 Something is wrong with the drain. 308 00:10:17,750 --> 00:10:18,890 Don't blame the drain. 309 00:10:19,090 --> 00:10:20,060 The drain was fine when it got here. 310 00:10:20,260 --> 00:10:21,140 I'm not blaming drain. 311 00:10:21,340 --> 00:10:22,560 It's never the fault of the drain. 312 00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:23,730 Well, water is pouring into 313 00:10:23,930 --> 00:10:25,480 the Ronbauer's apartment below us, 314 00:10:25,680 --> 00:10:27,110 and the hallway runner's officially a goner. 315 00:10:27,310 --> 00:10:28,770 - Here, Zelda. - Thank you, Miss Miriam. 316 00:10:28,970 --> 00:10:29,820 [mocking] Thank you, Miss Miriam. 317 00:10:30,020 --> 00:10:31,070 I really appreciate your help. 318 00:10:31,270 --> 00:10:32,990 It's lucky you were here when this happened, huh? 319 00:10:33,190 --> 00:10:35,030 Yes, so lucky, like being a leprechaun. 320 00:10:35,230 --> 00:10:36,870 Uh-oh, hold the phone. 321 00:10:37,070 --> 00:10:39,290 Here we go. I found it. 322 00:10:39,480 --> 00:10:41,660 This is definitely not supposed to be in the drain. 323 00:10:41,860 --> 00:10:43,290 How did that get in there? 324 00:10:43,490 --> 00:10:45,250 It looks like it was hammered in. 325 00:10:45,450 --> 00:10:46,460 Ethan! 326 00:10:46,660 --> 00:10:48,000 What is this? 327 00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:49,170 - My boat. - [telephone rings] 328 00:10:49,370 --> 00:10:50,300 And what is your boat doing 329 00:10:50,500 --> 00:10:51,710 shoved down the drain of my bathtub? 330 00:10:51,910 --> 00:10:52,840 - It sank. - [Rose] Hello? 331 00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:54,470 Ethan, what have I told you 332 00:10:54,670 --> 00:10:55,930 about putting things down drains? 333 00:10:56,130 --> 00:10:57,140 - Nothing. - [Midge] Yes, I have. 334 00:10:57,340 --> 00:10:58,140 When? 335 00:10:58,340 --> 00:10:59,510 I mean... 336 00:10:59,710 --> 00:11:00,810 wasn't there a thing with a marble? 337 00:11:01,010 --> 00:11:01,770 That was up my nose. 338 00:11:01,970 --> 00:11:03,020 What about the playing cards 339 00:11:03,220 --> 00:11:04,350 you cut up and did something weird with? 340 00:11:04,550 --> 00:11:05,600 That was a drain, wasn't it? 341 00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:07,100 - No. - Oh. 342 00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:08,810 Well, I guarantee, in the six years 343 00:11:09,010 --> 00:11:10,110 you've been around, we have discussed 344 00:11:10,310 --> 00:11:11,820 shoving things down the drain at least once. 345 00:11:12,020 --> 00:11:14,400 Even if it was in the abstract, theoretical, 346 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:16,030 "If you ever get the chance to, don't" 347 00:11:16,230 --> 00:11:18,200 sense of the question. 348 00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:20,090 - Okay. - Okay. 349 00:11:21,510 --> 00:11:22,550 So... 350 00:11:23,550 --> 00:11:24,680 [sighs] 351 00:11:25,890 --> 00:11:27,960 [Rose sighs] That was the Mendelson's 352 00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:29,250 on the seventh floor. 353 00:11:29,450 --> 00:11:31,250 It's coming through their ceiling as well. 354 00:11:31,450 --> 00:11:33,010 - Great. - You should go apologize in person. 355 00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:34,760 Their son just graduated law school. 356 00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:36,010 I will take care of it. 357 00:11:36,210 --> 00:11:37,970 Remember, my event is Monday, 358 00:11:38,170 --> 00:11:40,180 so this carpet must be replaced by then. 359 00:11:40,380 --> 00:11:42,720 I cannot expose unmarried women to nude wood floors. 360 00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:44,220 It would feel like a brothel. 361 00:11:44,420 --> 00:11:46,310 And, of course, the bathroom must be working. 362 00:11:46,510 --> 00:11:48,480 If not, I'd have to change my plans again. 363 00:11:48,680 --> 00:11:50,560 - Do you understand? - What time is it? 364 00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:52,320 I need confirmation that you understand. 365 00:11:52,520 --> 00:11:54,110 Shit. I'm so late. What do I do? 366 00:11:54,310 --> 00:11:55,650 I'm-I'm supposed to be at Ethan's school. 367 00:11:55,850 --> 00:11:57,820 - Mama, can you go? - I have a million things to do, Miriam. 368 00:11:58,020 --> 00:11:59,010 Ah... 369 00:12:00,340 --> 00:12:02,370 Papa? You're not busy, right? 370 00:12:02,570 --> 00:12:04,950 Well, I'm due at the Voice in an hour. 371 00:12:05,150 --> 00:12:06,250 So, not busy. 372 00:12:06,450 --> 00:12:07,370 Can you take Ethan to school 373 00:12:07,570 --> 00:12:08,370 and then stick around for the thing? 374 00:12:08,570 --> 00:12:10,040 What's "the thing"? 375 00:12:10,240 --> 00:12:12,090 The thing. Parents come and stare at the kids. 376 00:12:12,290 --> 00:12:13,460 The teachers point out their seats, 377 00:12:13,660 --> 00:12:14,840 you get a snack, someone wets their pants. 378 00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:16,720 You're a terrible salesman. 379 00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:18,550 Please? I need to bribe our neighbors not to unleash 380 00:12:18,750 --> 00:12:20,590 their newly-minted lawyer son on me. 381 00:12:20,790 --> 00:12:22,810 All right, fine. I will go. 382 00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:25,770 But I'm warning you, the first person to wet their pants, 383 00:12:25,970 --> 00:12:28,560 I'm out of there. Unless it's a really good snack. 384 00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:29,620 Deal. 385 00:12:30,910 --> 00:12:33,670 You can write to him "Care of The Gordon Ford Show." 386 00:12:34,670 --> 00:12:35,900 I don't know how long it will take 387 00:12:36,100 --> 00:12:38,300 for him to write you back. He's very busy. 388 00:12:39,340 --> 00:12:40,450 Well, he does a show every night. 389 00:12:40,650 --> 00:12:42,380 That takes up some time. 390 00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:44,950 Sorry. 391 00:12:45,150 --> 00:12:47,830 My son shoved a toy boat down the bathtub drain 392 00:12:48,030 --> 00:12:49,920 and it flooded mine and the two bathrooms below, 393 00:12:50,110 --> 00:12:52,250 and 7 and 8C, especially, are not enemies 394 00:12:52,450 --> 00:12:53,590 I can afford to have. 395 00:12:53,790 --> 00:12:56,260 My floors are warped, my runner's ruined, 396 00:12:56,450 --> 00:12:58,470 my mother's throwing a matchmaking mixer on Monday 397 00:12:58,670 --> 00:13:00,720 and she's panicked the runner won't be replaced 398 00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:01,890 and the bathroom won't be working, 399 00:13:02,090 --> 00:13:03,430 and for some reason my in-laws' piano 400 00:13:03,630 --> 00:13:05,320 smells like a bialy. 401 00:13:06,660 --> 00:13:09,560 So, how about the tits on Ursula Andress, huh? 402 00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:10,770 Sorry, what were you discussing? 403 00:13:10,970 --> 00:13:12,270 The tits on Raquel Welch. 404 00:13:12,470 --> 00:13:13,690 - Anita Ekberg. - Ann-Margaret. 405 00:13:13,890 --> 00:13:14,690 Danny Stevens. 406 00:13:14,890 --> 00:13:16,610 I mean, not his... 407 00:13:16,810 --> 00:13:18,570 Anyhow, we're talking Danny's spot tonight. 408 00:13:18,770 --> 00:13:19,740 He's coming on to plug his new book. 409 00:13:19,940 --> 00:13:22,110 Ah, big gold star for you. 410 00:13:22,310 --> 00:13:23,490 Now, as you know, Danny... 411 00:13:23,690 --> 00:13:24,950 - Gave me my first job. - First job. 412 00:13:25,150 --> 00:13:26,490 - Great guy. - Great guy. - In-laws love him. 413 00:13:26,690 --> 00:13:28,040 Well, he did and he is. 414 00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:29,870 So, I want him set up to succeed. 415 00:13:30,070 --> 00:13:31,420 His writers may be working on material, 416 00:13:31,610 --> 00:13:34,080 but be ready in case it falls to us. 417 00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:35,790 - I have a question. - Yes, Mel. 418 00:13:35,990 --> 00:13:37,300 How many minutes do you think it will take 419 00:13:37,500 --> 00:13:38,800 for Adam to give Danny his screenplay? 420 00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:39,800 - [Ralph] Ten? - [Cecil] I say eight. 421 00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:40,760 [Alvin] No longer than four. 422 00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:42,220 Does anyone know a good tile man? 423 00:13:42,420 --> 00:13:43,930 Midge, we're mocking Adam here. 424 00:13:44,130 --> 00:13:45,180 - Sorry. - [Mel] One of these days, you're gonna 425 00:13:45,380 --> 00:13:46,810 have to decide, are you in or are you out? 426 00:13:47,010 --> 00:13:47,930 [laughter] 427 00:13:48,130 --> 00:13:49,070 [Mike] Uh, everyone to the railings. 428 00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,250 To the railings, people. 429 00:14:00,290 --> 00:14:01,150 Great. 430 00:14:01,350 --> 00:14:03,410 As many of you know, 431 00:14:03,610 --> 00:14:06,120 I am now officially the new producer 432 00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:07,660 - of The Gordon Ford Show. - [scattered applause] 433 00:14:07,860 --> 00:14:09,540 Thank you. 434 00:14:09,740 --> 00:14:10,830 I just wanted to take a moment 435 00:14:11,030 --> 00:14:13,670 to say a few words as we begin this transition. 436 00:14:13,870 --> 00:14:16,590 Though the departure of George Toledano 437 00:14:16,780 --> 00:14:20,760 was abrupt and upsetting to some of you, 438 00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:23,630 I want to assure you that I am fired up 439 00:14:23,830 --> 00:14:25,140 and ready to assume the mantle. 440 00:14:25,340 --> 00:14:28,510 Being a good leader requires not just experience, 441 00:14:28,710 --> 00:14:31,230 but empathy, instincts, 442 00:14:31,420 --> 00:14:33,660 a cool head. And... 443 00:14:36,450 --> 00:14:37,400 Gordon. 444 00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:39,270 Hello. 445 00:14:39,470 --> 00:14:41,690 Hey, Mike. You look great up there. 446 00:14:41,890 --> 00:14:43,490 New suit? 447 00:14:43,690 --> 00:14:44,820 Ah... 448 00:14:45,020 --> 00:14:46,950 just the coat. 449 00:14:47,150 --> 00:14:48,740 Oh. Please, continue. 450 00:14:48,940 --> 00:14:50,910 Oh, no. I'm-I'm done. 451 00:14:51,110 --> 00:14:52,540 [Gordon] What? No. You called us to the railings. 452 00:14:52,740 --> 00:14:53,750 We're at the railings. 453 00:14:53,950 --> 00:14:57,080 Last thing I heard was, um, "cool head." 454 00:14:57,280 --> 00:14:58,460 [laughter] 455 00:14:58,660 --> 00:14:59,940 Well, I... 456 00:15:00,940 --> 00:15:02,300 just wanted you to know I'm ready, 457 00:15:02,500 --> 00:15:05,320 and I'm, uh... 458 00:15:06,900 --> 00:15:08,430 I'm here for anyone who 459 00:15:08,630 --> 00:15:10,060 needs... 460 00:15:10,250 --> 00:15:11,680 something. 461 00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:13,560 [laughs weakly] 462 00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:15,690 Uh, my office used to be down there, 463 00:15:15,890 --> 00:15:18,230 but now it's up here. 464 00:15:18,430 --> 00:15:20,150 It's actually still a little bit down there, too, 465 00:15:20,350 --> 00:15:22,110 since there was no place up here 466 00:15:22,310 --> 00:15:24,250 to put the guest board. 467 00:15:25,340 --> 00:15:27,570 So, if you need to look at the board, it's down there, 468 00:15:27,770 --> 00:15:30,370 but if you-you need me, 469 00:15:30,570 --> 00:15:33,290 I'm up here. Or down there, sometimes. 470 00:15:33,490 --> 00:15:35,250 When I need to look at the board. 471 00:15:35,450 --> 00:15:36,720 So... 472 00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:39,380 Thanks. 473 00:15:39,580 --> 00:15:41,750 Oh, wait, official new producer, 474 00:15:41,950 --> 00:15:43,050 I have a question. 475 00:15:43,250 --> 00:15:45,920 Any plans to add more ashtrays to the lobby? 476 00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:47,680 - [crowd laughs] - Not that I'm aware of. 477 00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:48,930 Aw, too bad. 478 00:15:49,130 --> 00:15:50,800 - I think we could use two more. - [laughter] 479 00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:51,810 I can find out where they sell them. 480 00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:52,970 I saw a kid 481 00:15:53,170 --> 00:15:54,600 lick the elevator button this morning. 482 00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:55,850 [laughter] 483 00:15:56,050 --> 00:15:57,730 I'll tell maintenance. 484 00:15:57,930 --> 00:15:59,270 I have this receipt 485 00:15:59,470 --> 00:16:00,650 from dinner last night. Do I give that to you? 486 00:16:00,850 --> 00:16:01,900 Okay, I'm leaving now. 487 00:16:02,100 --> 00:16:03,570 [Gordon] Wait, official new producer, 488 00:16:03,770 --> 00:16:05,250 can we leave, too? 489 00:16:06,290 --> 00:16:07,360 Yes. 490 00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:09,050 [laughter, applause] 491 00:16:13,930 --> 00:16:14,950 - Boy. - [indistinct chatter] 492 00:16:15,150 --> 00:16:16,390 [man] First day on the job. 493 00:16:17,390 --> 00:16:19,270 [whistles] 494 00:16:24,230 --> 00:16:26,650 {\an8}[♪ Barbra Streisand: "Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf"] 495 00:16:27,940 --> 00:16:29,760 ♪ Who's afraid of the big bad wolf? ♪ 496 00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:32,260 ♪ The big bad wolf, the big bad wolf ♪ 497 00:16:32,460 --> 00:16:34,600 ♪ Who's afraid of the big bad wolf? ♪ 498 00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:36,350 ♪ Tra-la-la-la-la... 499 00:16:36,550 --> 00:16:38,810 We have the finest school library in New York. 500 00:16:39,010 --> 00:16:40,350 We're very proud of that. 501 00:16:40,550 --> 00:16:42,400 This year, a very esteemed alumnus 502 00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:45,360 bequeathed us his entire collection of first editions. 503 00:16:45,560 --> 00:16:46,740 Yes? 504 00:16:46,930 --> 00:16:48,150 This is a delicious snack. 505 00:16:48,350 --> 00:16:49,450 I'm glad you like it. 506 00:16:49,650 --> 00:16:51,160 Crunchy and creamy and nutty. 507 00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:52,700 Just a terrific combination. 508 00:16:52,900 --> 00:16:54,530 Do the children get the same snack? 509 00:16:54,730 --> 00:16:55,740 They do. 510 00:16:55,940 --> 00:16:57,580 This is a very good school. 511 00:16:57,780 --> 00:17:00,170 Okay, I want to show you all something 512 00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:02,460 we're very proud of here. 513 00:17:02,660 --> 00:17:06,800 This is what we call our "Free To Be" time. 514 00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:08,880 A portion of each day is set aside 515 00:17:09,080 --> 00:17:11,180 for the students to devote to one subject 516 00:17:11,380 --> 00:17:13,180 they particularly excel in. 517 00:17:13,380 --> 00:17:16,350 This is our engineering group. 518 00:17:16,550 --> 00:17:18,100 They are building a model of a hotel 519 00:17:18,300 --> 00:17:20,560 that caters exclusively to pets. 520 00:17:20,760 --> 00:17:23,900 Every room has a patio and built-in water dishes. 521 00:17:24,100 --> 00:17:26,360 Here's our math group. 522 00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:28,570 They have one minute to solve a problem. 523 00:17:28,770 --> 00:17:31,740 The one who solves the most equations wins a prize. 524 00:17:31,940 --> 00:17:33,280 And, go! 525 00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:36,120 [Mrs. Moyers] Our reading group reads a book a week, 526 00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:38,120 then they write a play dramatizing it, 527 00:17:38,320 --> 00:17:40,870 and perform it at lunch in the teachers' lounge. 528 00:17:41,070 --> 00:17:43,210 The astronomy group is over there. 529 00:17:43,410 --> 00:17:46,000 They're selling candy bars to buy a new telescope. 530 00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:49,670 I've put on ten pounds, all in the name of science. 531 00:17:49,870 --> 00:17:52,840 Now, over here we have our language group. 532 00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:56,470 They are currently reading Madeline in French. 533 00:17:56,670 --> 00:17:58,010 Mrs. Moyers? 534 00:17:58,210 --> 00:18:00,060 Yes, Mr. Weissman? 535 00:18:00,260 --> 00:18:02,020 What is that group over there? 536 00:18:02,220 --> 00:18:04,100 Oh, that's the happy group. 537 00:18:04,300 --> 00:18:06,400 - I'm sorry, what? - The happy group. 538 00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:08,820 But what do they excel in? 539 00:18:09,020 --> 00:18:10,860 They excel in being happy. 540 00:18:11,060 --> 00:18:12,570 I don't understand. 541 00:18:12,770 --> 00:18:14,360 They build a hotel, 542 00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:16,030 they're buying telescopes, 543 00:18:16,230 --> 00:18:17,490 they're basically a fully-functioning 544 00:18:17,690 --> 00:18:20,370 summer stock company, and that table, 545 00:18:20,570 --> 00:18:22,000 the one my grandson is at, 546 00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:23,640 - is just... - Happy. 547 00:18:24,970 --> 00:18:26,880 They're just walking in a circle. 548 00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:28,040 Yes. 549 00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:30,010 - Why? - It makes them happy. 550 00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:31,010 Oh, Mrs. Foster, 551 00:18:31,210 --> 00:18:33,090 this is Mr. Weissman. 552 00:18:33,290 --> 00:18:35,090 Ethan is his grandson. 553 00:18:35,290 --> 00:18:36,970 Ethan's one of the happiest kids we've got. 554 00:18:37,170 --> 00:18:39,510 Ethan has a wand. Is he the leader? 555 00:18:39,710 --> 00:18:40,930 There are no leaders. 556 00:18:41,130 --> 00:18:42,390 A hierarchy wouldn't make them happy. 557 00:18:42,590 --> 00:18:44,350 Who decided these groups? 558 00:18:44,550 --> 00:18:45,560 The children take an aptitude test 559 00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:46,690 at the beginning of each year. 560 00:18:46,890 --> 00:18:47,980 The test determines their strengths, 561 00:18:48,180 --> 00:18:49,020 and that determines their groups. 562 00:18:49,220 --> 00:18:51,570 I'm sorry, there's been a mix-up. 563 00:18:51,770 --> 00:18:53,490 - A clerical error. - There's no reason to be upset. 564 00:18:53,690 --> 00:18:56,240 He's walking in a circle. That's it. 565 00:18:56,440 --> 00:18:59,030 Mr. Weissman, Ethan is a sweet, healthy young man 566 00:18:59,230 --> 00:19:00,660 who also happens to be happy. 567 00:19:00,860 --> 00:19:02,410 So, so happy. 568 00:19:02,610 --> 00:19:03,790 Maybe the happiest child in the whole school. 569 00:19:03,990 --> 00:19:04,960 Maybe the happiest child we've ever had. 570 00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:05,960 In all my years of teaching, 571 00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:07,290 I have never met a child 572 00:19:07,490 --> 00:19:08,380 quite as happy as Ethan. 573 00:19:08,580 --> 00:19:09,710 I insist he be tested again. 574 00:19:09,910 --> 00:19:10,880 Well, next year. 575 00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:12,550 No, not next year. Now. 576 00:19:12,750 --> 00:19:14,800 - Mr. Weissman... - I was a tenured professor 577 00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:16,550 at Columbia University. 578 00:19:16,750 --> 00:19:18,350 I worked at Bell Labs. 579 00:19:18,540 --> 00:19:20,350 I have 12 patents pending. 580 00:19:20,550 --> 00:19:22,680 That is my grandson. He's a Weissman. 581 00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:25,890 There is no possible way he's happy. 582 00:19:26,090 --> 00:19:28,900 [men laughing] 583 00:19:29,100 --> 00:19:30,190 [Danny] The whole network is there. 584 00:19:30,390 --> 00:19:32,400 The cast, the crew, Philip and Morris, 585 00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:33,860 staring right at us. 586 00:19:34,060 --> 00:19:35,650 I say the line. Big laughs. 587 00:19:35,850 --> 00:19:37,990 Suddenly, a pisher from the end of the table 588 00:19:38,190 --> 00:19:39,950 pipes up and says, "It's l'chaim, 589 00:19:40,150 --> 00:19:41,620 not la-chaim, Mr. Stevens." 590 00:19:41,820 --> 00:19:43,370 First job. First job, okay? 591 00:19:43,570 --> 00:19:45,160 So, I look over at this altar boy 592 00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:46,370 sitting there in his father's suit... 593 00:19:46,570 --> 00:19:48,120 It was my father's suit. 594 00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:50,500 ...and I thought, "The kid's got balls. He reminds me of me." 595 00:19:50,700 --> 00:19:52,050 So, I fired him. 596 00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:53,300 [laughter] 597 00:19:53,500 --> 00:19:54,970 Well, hello. 598 00:19:55,160 --> 00:19:56,970 - [Alvin] Ah, Midge. - Sorry, just had to fix my face. 599 00:19:57,170 --> 00:19:59,390 Danny, may I present our resident lady writer, 600 00:19:59,590 --> 00:20:00,430 Midge Maisel. 601 00:20:00,630 --> 00:20:01,850 Hi. I'm a big fan. 602 00:20:02,050 --> 00:20:03,470 I'm in your seat, aren't I? 603 00:20:03,670 --> 00:20:05,680 Well, technically, they're all owned by NBC. 604 00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:07,100 Nope, I know the rules. 605 00:20:07,300 --> 00:20:09,400 Taking an established seat in a writers' room 606 00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:10,980 is like correcting a man's Hebrew 607 00:20:11,180 --> 00:20:12,440 when you're from Nebraska. 608 00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:14,780 - Wisconsin. - There's room here, Mr. Stevens. 609 00:20:14,980 --> 00:20:16,950 I'm fine. I actually came in to ask a favor. 610 00:20:17,140 --> 00:20:18,530 Anything you want, Mr. Stevens. 611 00:20:18,730 --> 00:20:20,030 I wish you could see yourself right now. 612 00:20:20,230 --> 00:20:21,370 [Danny] Tonight, I appear on your show. 613 00:20:21,570 --> 00:20:23,660 No one's surprised? Good. You're professionals. 614 00:20:23,860 --> 00:20:24,790 Now, normally 615 00:20:24,990 --> 00:20:26,580 I'm plugging a gig, I'm in Vegas, 616 00:20:26,780 --> 00:20:28,420 there's a new season of my TV show, 617 00:20:28,610 --> 00:20:30,630 but this time, I wrote a book. 618 00:20:30,830 --> 00:20:32,670 - Ah. - That's the book. 619 00:20:32,870 --> 00:20:34,210 I am an author. 620 00:20:34,410 --> 00:20:36,460 Like Dickens, if he grew up in Bensonhurst. 621 00:20:36,660 --> 00:20:38,550 - [laughter] - A Tale of Two Cities sold 622 00:20:38,750 --> 00:20:39,720 over a hundred million copies, 623 00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:41,390 so I got to sell a hundred and one. 624 00:20:41,590 --> 00:20:42,550 I must kill. 625 00:20:42,750 --> 00:20:44,060 With that in mind, 626 00:20:44,260 --> 00:20:46,310 I am going to read to you the jokes handed to me 627 00:20:46,510 --> 00:20:49,480 by my team of professional comedy writers this morning. 628 00:20:49,680 --> 00:20:50,850 I'd like your opinion. 629 00:20:51,050 --> 00:20:52,610 We are here for you, Danny. Right, boys? 630 00:20:52,810 --> 00:20:54,270 - [Alvin] Midge? - Hell no. 631 00:20:54,470 --> 00:20:55,900 Bastard tried to steal my seat. 632 00:20:56,100 --> 00:20:57,420 Funny. 633 00:20:58,540 --> 00:21:00,950 Uh, "Kennedy just established the Peace Corps. 634 00:21:01,150 --> 00:21:03,330 Now boring kids can be popular, too." 635 00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:05,040 Next. 636 00:21:05,230 --> 00:21:07,500 "Barbie gets a boyfriend. Ken. 637 00:21:07,700 --> 00:21:09,920 I don't think it's gonna last. He seems a little fake." 638 00:21:10,110 --> 00:21:11,120 You still with me? 639 00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:12,630 "The Apartment 640 00:21:12,830 --> 00:21:14,290 won the Academy Award for best picture. 641 00:21:14,490 --> 00:21:16,000 Next year, The Sublet." 642 00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:18,420 - [writers groan] - Okay, so, in your unbiased opinion, 643 00:21:18,620 --> 00:21:20,880 do you think my writers hate me? 644 00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:22,140 We can come up with new jokes. 645 00:21:22,330 --> 00:21:24,350 You know, every time you make an appearance 646 00:21:24,550 --> 00:21:25,850 on a talk show, you do jokes. 647 00:21:26,050 --> 00:21:27,720 I'm a comedian. If I came on 648 00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:29,850 and pulled Gordon's wisdom tooth, it'd be weird. 649 00:21:30,050 --> 00:21:31,520 - [writers laugh] - Yes, but, 650 00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:33,980 now you want people to read a book about your life. 651 00:21:34,180 --> 00:21:36,820 Why not talk about your life? Talk about your parents. 652 00:21:37,020 --> 00:21:38,230 Sure. Where's the funny? 653 00:21:38,430 --> 00:21:40,150 It's interesting. It's real. 654 00:21:40,350 --> 00:21:42,700 If it's interesting and real, you can find the funny. 655 00:21:42,900 --> 00:21:44,160 Oh, great. Homework. Thanks. 656 00:21:44,360 --> 00:21:45,990 Excuse me, Danny? Gordon's ready for you. 657 00:21:46,190 --> 00:21:48,500 Thank you, sweetheart. Kids, find me some jokes. 658 00:21:48,690 --> 00:21:50,710 Open your notebooks, check under the couch cushions, 659 00:21:50,910 --> 00:21:52,420 channel your drunk uncle Marvin. 660 00:21:52,620 --> 00:21:53,880 Get me those laughs. 661 00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:55,480 Take me to your leader. 662 00:21:56,480 --> 00:21:57,940 No. 663 00:21:59,190 --> 00:22:01,010 [Mrs. Moyers] It's very unusual that a student 664 00:22:01,210 --> 00:22:02,800 actually does worse the second time. 665 00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:07,930 Across the board on the math, English, science, logic. 666 00:22:08,130 --> 00:22:10,180 But he did spell his name correctly this time, 667 00:22:10,380 --> 00:22:11,940 which is a big improvement over the last test, 668 00:22:12,130 --> 00:22:14,100 so that's exciting. 669 00:22:14,300 --> 00:22:16,440 I just don't understand. 670 00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:18,400 We threw this new test at him out of the blue, 671 00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:19,690 he probably panicked. 672 00:22:19,890 --> 00:22:21,070 Plus, we took his wand away. 673 00:22:21,270 --> 00:22:22,280 That couldn't have helped. 674 00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:23,820 But he's a Weissman. 675 00:22:24,020 --> 00:22:25,950 It's just one test. It doesn't mean anything. 676 00:22:26,150 --> 00:22:29,120 Except he's not good in math, science, English, or logic. 677 00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:30,620 Or days of the week. 678 00:22:30,820 --> 00:22:33,710 [sighs] I feel like I'm in an alternate universe. 679 00:22:33,910 --> 00:22:35,750 Like I'm in The Twilight Zone 680 00:22:35,950 --> 00:22:38,130 without Rod Serling here to guide me. 681 00:22:38,330 --> 00:22:39,420 Look, Mr. Weissman, 682 00:22:39,620 --> 00:22:42,010 unfortunately, taking this test again now, 683 00:22:42,210 --> 00:22:44,220 so soon after he took the first one, 684 00:22:44,420 --> 00:22:46,300 will mean this score will replace 685 00:22:46,500 --> 00:22:47,890 his old one on his record. 686 00:22:48,090 --> 00:22:51,820 Grandpa, glitter sticks to your face. 687 00:22:52,990 --> 00:22:54,270 But rest assured, 688 00:22:54,470 --> 00:22:56,750 he hasn't lost his spot in the happy group. 689 00:22:58,290 --> 00:23:00,790 - [audience applauds] - [upbeat music plays] 690 00:23:04,250 --> 00:23:05,610 [Shirley] Miriam. 691 00:23:05,810 --> 00:23:08,660 - Hey, you made it. - Yes, well, we were late. 692 00:23:08,860 --> 00:23:10,330 [Moishe] We wanted to make sure there were actual tickets 693 00:23:10,530 --> 00:23:12,040 before we parked the car, so I dropped her off. 694 00:23:12,240 --> 00:23:13,540 So I was supposed to come out and wave to him 695 00:23:13,740 --> 00:23:14,580 if I had the tickets, and he would park. 696 00:23:14,780 --> 00:23:15,960 But it was raining. 697 00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:18,040 So, I go out, if I didn't see him, I'd go back in. 698 00:23:18,240 --> 00:23:19,880 Meanwhile, I drive by, I didn't see her, 699 00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:21,090 so I drove around the block. 700 00:23:21,290 --> 00:23:22,210 We kept missing each other. 701 00:23:22,410 --> 00:23:23,420 She goes out, I'm not there. 702 00:23:23,620 --> 00:23:24,720 she goes in, I drive by, 703 00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:26,220 she's not there, once more around the block. 704 00:23:26,420 --> 00:23:27,510 Two hours, we did this. 705 00:23:27,710 --> 00:23:29,550 Finally, I gave up and parked. 706 00:23:29,750 --> 00:23:31,390 Thank God the tickets were waiting for us 707 00:23:31,590 --> 00:23:33,060 right where you said they'd be. 708 00:23:33,260 --> 00:23:35,230 - I told you. - Oh, listen, could you point out 709 00:23:35,430 --> 00:23:37,810 the person that got them for us? We want to thank them. 710 00:23:38,010 --> 00:23:40,190 Hey, show's starting, Shirley. 711 00:23:40,390 --> 00:23:41,190 Wait, here, wait. 712 00:23:41,390 --> 00:23:42,730 I made Danny a sandwich. 713 00:23:42,930 --> 00:23:44,240 Give it to him. 714 00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:46,110 [man] And we're back in five, 715 00:23:46,310 --> 00:23:48,300 four, three... 716 00:23:49,340 --> 00:23:51,180 [theme music plays] 717 00:23:55,930 --> 00:23:57,080 And we're back, folks. 718 00:23:57,280 --> 00:23:58,500 Our first guest is the star 719 00:23:58,700 --> 00:24:00,630 of the very popular The Danny Stevens Show. 720 00:24:00,830 --> 00:24:02,380 He's a nightclub performer, 721 00:24:02,580 --> 00:24:03,710 an award-winning producer, 722 00:24:03,910 --> 00:24:05,760 but the title he thinks describes him the best 723 00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:07,800 is "America's sweetheart." 724 00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:09,340 Ladies and gentleman, Danny Stevens. 725 00:24:09,540 --> 00:24:11,360 [cheering, applause] 726 00:24:17,120 --> 00:24:19,190 - Hey, there he is. - I left out dancing. 727 00:24:19,390 --> 00:24:21,210 - You did. - I always leave out the dancing. 728 00:24:24,540 --> 00:24:25,440 Ah. 729 00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:27,070 Danny, Danny, Danny. 730 00:24:27,270 --> 00:24:28,860 [as Cary Grant] Gordy, Gordy, Gordy. 731 00:24:29,060 --> 00:24:30,370 [laughter] 732 00:24:30,560 --> 00:24:32,160 - It's great to have you here. - It's great to be back. 733 00:24:32,360 --> 00:24:33,620 I love what you've done with the place. 734 00:24:33,820 --> 00:24:35,620 I've done absolutely nothing with the place. 735 00:24:35,820 --> 00:24:37,080 Well, it works. 736 00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:38,920 "Absolutely nothing" works for you. 737 00:24:39,110 --> 00:24:40,630 [Gordon] You know, I caught your show 738 00:24:40,820 --> 00:24:42,920 at the Copa last month. It was great. 739 00:24:43,120 --> 00:24:44,050 - [audience applauds] - Thank you. 740 00:24:44,250 --> 00:24:45,260 And your show's still going strong, 741 00:24:45,450 --> 00:24:46,340 and now I hear 742 00:24:46,540 --> 00:24:47,800 you've written a book. 743 00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:49,300 I have. 744 00:24:49,500 --> 00:24:51,140 Got to get that book. I got to get that book. 745 00:24:51,340 --> 00:24:52,220 How was it, writing a book? 746 00:24:52,420 --> 00:24:54,310 Well, it was very quiet, peaceful. 747 00:24:54,510 --> 00:24:56,520 Uh, you don't need pants, so that's a plus. 748 00:24:56,720 --> 00:24:58,980 Just like you. You don't wear pants. 749 00:24:59,180 --> 00:25:00,810 But it's different writing about your real life. 750 00:25:01,010 --> 00:25:03,270 You have to remember things. Names, dates. 751 00:25:03,470 --> 00:25:05,070 Then you have to change the names and dates 752 00:25:05,270 --> 00:25:06,610 so you don't get sued. 753 00:25:06,810 --> 00:25:09,070 {\an8}- [audience laughs] - Wow. Are these your parents? 754 00:25:09,270 --> 00:25:11,950 {\an8}- Yes, that is Mitta and Joseph. - [audience] Aw... 755 00:25:12,150 --> 00:25:13,830 And that's after their number came in. 756 00:25:14,020 --> 00:25:15,240 [laughter] 757 00:25:15,440 --> 00:25:17,000 But, see, my parents were immigrants. 758 00:25:17,190 --> 00:25:18,870 Tough. Very tough people. 759 00:25:19,070 --> 00:25:21,370 They had to be, because life gave them nothing. 760 00:25:21,570 --> 00:25:23,670 They didn't have a bed, they had a rock. 761 00:25:23,870 --> 00:25:25,750 - [audience laughs] - They had to flee their village 762 00:25:25,950 --> 00:25:27,590 when men in boots on horses rode in saying, 763 00:25:27,790 --> 00:25:29,220 "Hey, what's flammable here?" 764 00:25:29,420 --> 00:25:30,930 - [laughter] - [Gordon] That's terrible. 765 00:25:31,130 --> 00:25:32,930 [Danny] They strapped everything they owned onto their backs 766 00:25:33,130 --> 00:25:35,220 and took off through forests and rivers, 767 00:25:35,420 --> 00:25:37,140 over mountains, all on foot. 768 00:25:37,340 --> 00:25:39,020 Snowstorms, bear attacks. 769 00:25:39,220 --> 00:25:40,390 I can't imagine it. 770 00:25:40,590 --> 00:25:41,850 If there's a line at Barney Greengrass, 771 00:25:42,050 --> 00:25:43,350 I have a nervous breakdown. 772 00:25:43,550 --> 00:25:45,570 [Gordon] Well, if they run out of that good sturgeon... 773 00:25:45,760 --> 00:25:47,280 [Danny] Exactly. Finally, my parents 774 00:25:47,470 --> 00:25:49,190 get to Ellis Island where they were 775 00:25:49,390 --> 00:25:50,860 immediately quarantined for two months. 776 00:25:51,060 --> 00:25:51,860 Why? 777 00:25:52,060 --> 00:25:52,910 They were sick. 778 00:25:53,110 --> 00:25:54,280 They had everything. 779 00:25:54,480 --> 00:25:56,200 Typhoid, pneumonia, malaria. 780 00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:58,240 They were so sick, the immigration agent 781 00:25:58,440 --> 00:26:01,120 changed their name to... [coughs dramatically] 782 00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:02,670 [audience laughs] 783 00:26:02,870 --> 00:26:04,710 I can't go by that name in show business. 784 00:26:04,910 --> 00:26:05,900 Too Jewish. 785 00:26:06,100 --> 00:26:08,050 [laughter] 786 00:26:08,250 --> 00:26:09,170 Finally get out, 787 00:26:09,370 --> 00:26:10,840 move to a tenement on Delancey, 788 00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:13,090 - and proceed to have nine children. - [Gordon] Ooh. 789 00:26:13,290 --> 00:26:14,640 Because, as my mother said, 790 00:26:14,840 --> 00:26:16,800 [with accent] "Even if you can't afford the movies, 791 00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:18,430 Saturday night is still going to happen. 792 00:26:18,630 --> 00:26:20,120 You got to do something." 793 00:26:21,330 --> 00:26:22,810 [Gordon] Interesting philosophy. 794 00:26:23,010 --> 00:26:24,150 [Danny] She was an interesting woman. 795 00:26:24,350 --> 00:26:27,320 Not a lot of hugs, but a survivor. 796 00:26:27,510 --> 00:26:29,320 She worked every day of her life. 797 00:26:29,520 --> 00:26:30,900 When I was in sixth grade, 798 00:26:31,100 --> 00:26:33,660 she got a job driving a laundry truck. 799 00:26:33,850 --> 00:26:35,070 One day, she was coming home, 800 00:26:35,270 --> 00:26:36,780 my father was crossing the street, 801 00:26:36,980 --> 00:26:39,990 he tripped, fell, and she ran right over him. 802 00:26:40,190 --> 00:26:41,700 - [audience gasps] - Oh, my God. Was he okay? 803 00:26:41,900 --> 00:26:43,000 Oh, sure. 804 00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:44,750 I mean, he was dead, but other than that... 805 00:26:44,950 --> 00:26:47,130 - [laughing] - Is that funny? 806 00:26:47,330 --> 00:26:48,840 That is the worst story I've ever heard. 807 00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:52,010 Two of her kids died, two others in jail. 808 00:26:52,210 --> 00:26:55,300 What family she had left was wiped out by the Nazis. 809 00:26:55,500 --> 00:26:57,430 Yet, through all of that, 810 00:26:57,630 --> 00:26:59,140 all the trials and tribulations, 811 00:26:59,340 --> 00:27:01,930 the only time I ever saw my mother cry 812 00:27:02,130 --> 00:27:05,060 was the day I told her I was going to be a comedian. 813 00:27:05,260 --> 00:27:07,370 [audience laughs, applauds] 814 00:27:10,290 --> 00:27:12,360 [♪ Ella Fitzgerald: "Let's Take a Walk Around the Block"] 815 00:27:12,560 --> 00:27:14,360 ♪ Someday we'll go places you... 816 00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:15,910 The cigarette machine is broken again. 817 00:27:16,110 --> 00:27:18,030 It ate my money, so I cried, 818 00:27:18,230 --> 00:27:20,080 and they opened it up, and I took everything. 819 00:27:20,280 --> 00:27:22,290 - Remind me to bring you to the bank sometime. - Ah. 820 00:27:22,490 --> 00:27:25,010 [Danny] There she is. Wonder Woman. 821 00:27:26,020 --> 00:27:26,920 Is he talking about me? 822 00:27:27,120 --> 00:27:28,040 I certainly hope so. 823 00:27:28,240 --> 00:27:30,250 [Danny] Midge, get over here. 824 00:27:30,450 --> 00:27:31,920 Okay, but if this is about someone stealing 825 00:27:32,120 --> 00:27:33,920 all of Toots' cigarettes, I know nothing about that. 826 00:27:34,120 --> 00:27:34,920 You should ask Mel. 827 00:27:35,120 --> 00:27:36,220 [Mel] Hey, I heard that. 828 00:27:36,420 --> 00:27:37,970 You sit right here next to me. 829 00:27:38,170 --> 00:27:39,430 - You have to move, Alvin. - Sorry. 830 00:27:39,630 --> 00:27:41,140 She's not going to sit on your lap. 831 00:27:41,340 --> 00:27:42,600 I'm moving. I've moved. 832 00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:44,140 [Midge] Sorry, Alvin. 833 00:27:44,340 --> 00:27:45,940 - [Danny] Just find a spot, Alvin. - [Alvin] Yup. 834 00:27:46,140 --> 00:27:47,940 - [Danny] Any spot. - [Alvin] Okay. 835 00:27:48,140 --> 00:27:49,190 [Danny] A wall, a post, 836 00:27:49,390 --> 00:27:50,190 - a sturdy waitress. - I'm out of the way. 837 00:27:50,390 --> 00:27:51,820 - Hello. - Hello. 838 00:27:52,020 --> 00:27:54,030 Good? Good. I am buying you a drink. 839 00:27:54,230 --> 00:27:55,150 Oh, I have a drink. 840 00:27:55,350 --> 00:27:56,650 That is not a proper drink. 841 00:27:56,850 --> 00:27:58,450 She will have whatever Shirley Temple drank 842 00:27:58,650 --> 00:28:00,910 right after Judy Garland got The Wizard of Oz. 843 00:28:01,110 --> 00:28:01,950 [laughs] 844 00:28:02,150 --> 00:28:03,700 Tonight was a triumph. 845 00:28:03,900 --> 00:28:04,950 It went very well. 846 00:28:05,150 --> 00:28:06,410 You, you did this. 847 00:28:06,610 --> 00:28:08,670 - No, you did this. - Did what? 848 00:28:08,870 --> 00:28:11,290 Gordon, this woman here is like a brave explorer, 849 00:28:11,490 --> 00:28:13,710 daring to find what no one has found before. 850 00:28:13,910 --> 00:28:15,510 A bit that works. 851 00:28:15,710 --> 00:28:17,050 I think you're exaggerating. 852 00:28:17,250 --> 00:28:18,930 You're Amerigo Vespucci, Sir Walter Raleigh, 853 00:28:19,130 --> 00:28:21,220 Amelia Earhart... if she'd made it. 854 00:28:21,420 --> 00:28:22,720 [laughs] 855 00:28:22,920 --> 00:28:24,310 I'm sorry, how do you two know each other? 856 00:28:24,510 --> 00:28:25,350 We met in the writers' room. 857 00:28:25,550 --> 00:28:26,520 Writers' room? My writers' room? 858 00:28:26,720 --> 00:28:27,730 I went in there a broken man 859 00:28:27,930 --> 00:28:28,810 and came out a king. 860 00:28:29,010 --> 00:28:29,980 You were in the writers' room? 861 00:28:30,180 --> 00:28:31,110 She said, "Tell your family's story." 862 00:28:31,310 --> 00:28:32,440 When were you in the writers' room? 863 00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:33,900 She told me if it's interesting, you'll find the funny. 864 00:28:34,100 --> 00:28:35,280 They barely let me in the writers' room. 865 00:28:35,480 --> 00:28:36,570 Just doing my job. 866 00:28:36,770 --> 00:28:38,700 [Danny] Yes, your job. 867 00:28:38,900 --> 00:28:39,960 Well, cheers. 868 00:28:42,340 --> 00:28:43,680 Cheers. 869 00:28:45,050 --> 00:28:46,540 Listen, I'd like to throw something out there, 870 00:28:46,740 --> 00:28:47,910 just a thought. 871 00:28:48,110 --> 00:28:49,580 I have a couple of new projects in the works 872 00:28:49,780 --> 00:28:52,210 that I am producing, and I think you would be perfect. 873 00:28:52,410 --> 00:28:53,290 - For what? - Do you know Loretta Young? 874 00:28:53,490 --> 00:28:54,800 Only from temple. 875 00:28:55,000 --> 00:28:57,380 [chuckles] I'm developing a situation comedy for her. 876 00:28:57,580 --> 00:28:58,590 Is Loretta Young funny? 877 00:28:58,790 --> 00:28:59,840 With the right material, 878 00:29:00,040 --> 00:29:02,350 she will be. Gene Tierney also wants to do TV. 879 00:29:02,540 --> 00:29:03,470 You know Gene Tierney? 880 00:29:03,670 --> 00:29:05,100 - Sure I do. - These are big stars. 881 00:29:05,300 --> 00:29:06,930 They do a show, people will watch. 882 00:29:07,130 --> 00:29:08,730 I was wondering... 883 00:29:08,930 --> 00:29:10,480 if you would like to come work for me. 884 00:29:10,680 --> 00:29:11,980 - [both] What? - You can pick your job. 885 00:29:12,180 --> 00:29:13,650 Whatever show you want, you choose. 886 00:29:13,850 --> 00:29:14,900 Oh, I am not a script writer. 887 00:29:15,100 --> 00:29:16,030 She's a joke writer. 888 00:29:16,230 --> 00:29:17,570 - Very different. - Night and day. 889 00:29:17,770 --> 00:29:19,110 If it's interesting, you can find the funny. 890 00:29:19,310 --> 00:29:20,110 Who said that? 891 00:29:20,310 --> 00:29:22,530 I was talking about you. 892 00:29:22,730 --> 00:29:24,490 No, you were talking about story. Character. 893 00:29:24,690 --> 00:29:26,870 That is script writing. Also, you're a woman. 894 00:29:27,070 --> 00:29:28,410 These are shows starring women. 895 00:29:28,610 --> 00:29:29,460 Who better to write for them? 896 00:29:29,660 --> 00:29:31,920 Danny, what are you doing? 897 00:29:32,120 --> 00:29:33,000 I'm offering her a job. 898 00:29:33,200 --> 00:29:34,090 She already has a job. 899 00:29:34,280 --> 00:29:35,460 And now she has a better one. 900 00:29:35,660 --> 00:29:37,590 This is a good job. She makes good money here. 901 00:29:37,790 --> 00:29:39,130 She'll make better money with me. 902 00:29:39,330 --> 00:29:40,260 Oh, really? How do you know? 903 00:29:40,460 --> 00:29:41,470 Because I'll ask her how much she makes here, 904 00:29:41,670 --> 00:29:42,800 and then I'll give her more. 905 00:29:43,000 --> 00:29:44,890 You're poaching my writers from me? Seriously? 906 00:29:45,090 --> 00:29:46,060 Only this one. You can keep the rest. 907 00:29:46,260 --> 00:29:48,100 - Sorry, Alvin. - No problem. 908 00:29:48,300 --> 00:29:49,640 No, no, no, no. No, no. I found her. 909 00:29:49,840 --> 00:29:51,440 So, what, finders keepers? 910 00:29:51,640 --> 00:29:53,100 - Okay, boys... - This town is filled with great writers. 911 00:29:53,300 --> 00:29:54,270 Why are you doing this? 912 00:29:54,470 --> 00:29:56,360 This isn't personal, Gordon. 913 00:29:56,560 --> 00:29:58,110 It's not? You put your drinks on my tab. 914 00:29:58,310 --> 00:29:59,860 Well, fine, I'll pay for my drinks. 915 00:30:00,060 --> 00:30:01,150 Look, there are rules. 916 00:30:01,350 --> 00:30:02,160 [Danny] What rules? 917 00:30:02,350 --> 00:30:04,120 Just... rules of society. 918 00:30:04,310 --> 00:30:06,490 Oh, please, fuck that. I see talent, I go after it. 919 00:30:06,690 --> 00:30:08,080 Talent? [scoffs] 920 00:30:08,280 --> 00:30:09,620 I don't think it's her talent you want. 921 00:30:09,820 --> 00:30:10,910 - Gordon. - What does that mean? 922 00:30:11,110 --> 00:30:12,040 Oh, you know what that means. 923 00:30:12,240 --> 00:30:13,880 I'm married, schmucko. 924 00:30:14,070 --> 00:30:15,590 And I don't care who the fuck's writing for her, 925 00:30:15,780 --> 00:30:18,000 Loretta Young is not now and never will be funny, 926 00:30:18,200 --> 00:30:19,380 and only an idiot would think so. 927 00:30:19,580 --> 00:30:21,420 Should we compare bank accounts? 928 00:30:21,620 --> 00:30:23,130 That's it. Get up. 929 00:30:23,330 --> 00:30:25,180 Are you kidding me? I was a boxer in the Army. 930 00:30:25,380 --> 00:30:28,010 You were a boxer in a movie about the Army. 931 00:30:28,210 --> 00:30:29,470 At least I'm from Brooklyn. 932 00:30:29,670 --> 00:30:30,890 You're Canadian. 933 00:30:31,090 --> 00:30:32,690 We moved there when I was five. 934 00:30:32,880 --> 00:30:34,350 Hey, guys. People are watching. 935 00:30:34,550 --> 00:30:35,560 Hey, what's going on here? 936 00:30:35,760 --> 00:30:38,360 Gordon, you starting shit again? 937 00:30:38,560 --> 00:30:39,940 I'll throw you right out of here. 938 00:30:40,140 --> 00:30:41,400 Do it, Toots. 939 00:30:41,600 --> 00:30:43,070 Last time, you threw your back out for a month. 940 00:30:43,270 --> 00:30:45,360 That was a pre-existing condition, you son of a bitch. 941 00:30:45,560 --> 00:30:47,390 - [crowd exclaims] - [Gordon] All right. 942 00:30:47,590 --> 00:30:49,510 {\an8}- [indistinct chatter] - [bells tolling] 943 00:30:52,510 --> 00:30:54,210 {\an8}[Abe] It's back here somewhere. 944 00:30:54,410 --> 00:30:55,830 {\an8}Wait. 945 00:30:56,030 --> 00:30:57,850 Ah! Got it. 946 00:30:59,190 --> 00:31:00,630 You can't be too careful. 947 00:31:00,830 --> 00:31:02,670 Herman from Icelandic studies 948 00:31:02,870 --> 00:31:05,510 can sniff out a good brandy a mile away. 949 00:31:05,710 --> 00:31:08,240 Here we go. 950 00:31:11,070 --> 00:31:13,350 We toast to your wedding 951 00:31:13,550 --> 00:31:15,450 and to your wife. 952 00:31:16,790 --> 00:31:19,120 - To Miriam. - To Miriam. 953 00:31:20,790 --> 00:31:21,690 Mmm. 954 00:31:21,890 --> 00:31:23,610 Now, Joel, 955 00:31:23,810 --> 00:31:25,660 I asked you to meet me here today 956 00:31:25,850 --> 00:31:28,870 because I have something very important to discuss with you. 957 00:31:29,070 --> 00:31:30,030 Okay. 958 00:31:30,230 --> 00:31:32,830 My daughter is going to want children. 959 00:31:33,030 --> 00:31:34,330 Yes. Three before 30. 960 00:31:34,530 --> 00:31:35,330 What? 961 00:31:35,530 --> 00:31:36,960 It's just what she says. 962 00:31:37,160 --> 00:31:38,380 Three before 30. 963 00:31:38,580 --> 00:31:40,550 Three kids before she's 30, so she'll spring back. 964 00:31:40,740 --> 00:31:43,090 I'd like to just go past that, if you don't mind. 965 00:31:43,290 --> 00:31:45,010 - Fine with me. - As I was saying, 966 00:31:45,210 --> 00:31:47,220 you will have three children, 967 00:31:47,420 --> 00:31:50,640 and, in all probability, one will be a boy. 968 00:31:50,840 --> 00:31:52,560 Hey, we'll name him Joel Jr. 969 00:31:52,760 --> 00:31:54,020 You won't. 970 00:31:54,220 --> 00:31:55,430 Now, you need to know 971 00:31:55,630 --> 00:31:57,480 there are certain gifts 972 00:31:57,680 --> 00:31:59,650 that are inevitably passed on 973 00:31:59,850 --> 00:32:01,440 to the first-born male 974 00:32:01,640 --> 00:32:04,070 of each Weissman branch of the family. 975 00:32:04,270 --> 00:32:05,400 Gifts? Like an inheritance? 976 00:32:05,600 --> 00:32:09,620 Weissman boys are born with immense intellect. 977 00:32:09,820 --> 00:32:12,490 So great it will stagger your mind. 978 00:32:12,690 --> 00:32:14,080 It will happen slowly. 979 00:32:14,280 --> 00:32:15,370 You won't notice it at first, 980 00:32:15,570 --> 00:32:18,540 but then, by the age of six, 981 00:32:18,740 --> 00:32:20,460 it will kick in. Quite suddenly. 982 00:32:20,660 --> 00:32:23,420 - Six. - You should've seen me when I was five. 983 00:32:23,620 --> 00:32:25,720 Just a slow-witted embarrassment 984 00:32:25,910 --> 00:32:27,430 to my entire family, 985 00:32:27,620 --> 00:32:29,140 and then I turned six. 986 00:32:29,330 --> 00:32:30,650 The rest is history. 987 00:32:31,860 --> 00:32:34,890 Now, this is a record 988 00:32:35,090 --> 00:32:36,810 of every generation 989 00:32:37,010 --> 00:32:39,810 of first-born Weissman men and their accomplishments. 990 00:32:40,010 --> 00:32:42,020 And prepare yourself. [laughs] 991 00:32:42,220 --> 00:32:43,900 It's a barn-burner. 992 00:32:44,100 --> 00:32:46,070 We've got doctors, lawyers, 993 00:32:46,270 --> 00:32:48,200 scientists, kings, 994 00:32:48,400 --> 00:32:50,570 at least one oboist, five writers, 995 00:32:50,770 --> 00:32:53,780 an archaeologist, one very creative murderer... 996 00:32:53,980 --> 00:32:55,330 Wait, my first-born won't be a Weissman. 997 00:32:55,530 --> 00:32:56,700 - What? - He'll be a Maisel. 998 00:32:56,900 --> 00:32:58,620 - I'm a Maisel. - Doesn't matter. 999 00:32:58,820 --> 00:33:00,290 Miriam's a Weissman. 1000 00:33:00,490 --> 00:33:02,500 Her genes will overwhelm your genes. 1001 00:33:02,700 --> 00:33:04,250 Your first-born son 1002 00:33:04,450 --> 00:33:06,510 is going to be a genius, 1003 00:33:06,710 --> 00:33:08,420 and you are going to have to deal with it. 1004 00:33:08,620 --> 00:33:11,300 I promise he will have the best education possible. 1005 00:33:11,500 --> 00:33:12,640 Oh, schools don't matter. 1006 00:33:12,840 --> 00:33:15,810 What matters is a total lack of input 1007 00:33:16,010 --> 00:33:19,890 from you to the child before he turns six. 1008 00:33:20,090 --> 00:33:21,690 What? 1009 00:33:21,890 --> 00:33:24,610 Basically, ignore him till he addresses you first. 1010 00:33:24,810 --> 00:33:25,860 I can't talk to my own kid? 1011 00:33:26,060 --> 00:33:27,740 Of course you can. 1012 00:33:27,930 --> 00:33:29,280 Once he turns six. 1013 00:33:29,480 --> 00:33:31,360 Before that, zip it. 1014 00:33:31,560 --> 00:33:32,700 How do I communicate with him? 1015 00:33:32,900 --> 00:33:34,160 Miriam can do it. 1016 00:33:34,360 --> 00:33:37,080 Or, if it's really important, you can leave a note. 1017 00:33:37,280 --> 00:33:40,080 Abe, this sounds crazy. 1018 00:33:40,280 --> 00:33:43,250 Trust me, we did not get a book like this 1019 00:33:43,450 --> 00:33:45,380 by talking to our sons. 1020 00:33:45,580 --> 00:33:47,960 - Wait... - I completely ignored Noah 1021 00:33:48,160 --> 00:33:49,220 for five years. 1022 00:33:49,410 --> 00:33:51,220 The morning of his sixth birthday, 1023 00:33:51,420 --> 00:33:52,510 he picked up a violin, 1024 00:33:52,710 --> 00:33:54,930 he was playing Mozart in two weeks. 1025 00:33:55,130 --> 00:33:56,430 I've never heard Noah play the violin. 1026 00:33:56,630 --> 00:33:57,520 He doesn't need to, 1027 00:33:57,710 --> 00:33:59,480 he's already done it. Understand? 1028 00:33:59,670 --> 00:34:00,640 - Not at all. - Good. 1029 00:34:00,840 --> 00:34:02,650 So, we have a plan. 1030 00:34:02,840 --> 00:34:04,900 Welcome to the family, Joel. 1031 00:34:05,100 --> 00:34:08,980 Now, drink up before Herman sniffs us out. 1032 00:34:09,180 --> 00:34:10,400 [chuckles] 1033 00:34:10,600 --> 00:34:12,150 [Astrid] We were going to start in the fall, 1034 00:34:12,350 --> 00:34:13,660 but then I had a dream that a snowman 1035 00:34:13,860 --> 00:34:15,370 was trying to stab me with his carrot. 1036 00:34:15,570 --> 00:34:16,490 [Rose] Quite a shock. 1037 00:34:16,690 --> 00:34:18,660 [Midge] Papa, come sit down. 1038 00:34:18,860 --> 00:34:20,540 Having another baby. 1039 00:34:20,740 --> 00:34:21,620 [Rose] It's so exciting. 1040 00:34:21,820 --> 00:34:22,920 Isn't it? 1041 00:34:23,110 --> 00:34:24,750 Trying to have another baby. Trying. 1042 00:34:24,950 --> 00:34:26,130 I can't believe bathroom appliances come in 1043 00:34:26,330 --> 00:34:27,840 so many pretty colors now. 1044 00:34:28,040 --> 00:34:29,630 Our lives are, once again, nothing but 1045 00:34:29,830 --> 00:34:33,510 doctors and daily shots and dirty magazines. 1046 00:34:33,710 --> 00:34:35,090 What about dirty magazines? 1047 00:34:35,290 --> 00:34:37,010 [Noah] Nothing, Mama. 1048 00:34:37,210 --> 00:34:38,850 I'm just saying it's stressful and expensive. 1049 00:34:39,050 --> 00:34:40,220 And hopefully a girl. 1050 00:34:40,420 --> 00:34:41,640 It will be worth it. 1051 00:34:41,840 --> 00:34:43,190 [Noah] I naively thought, second kid, 1052 00:34:43,390 --> 00:34:45,690 surely there's some sort of discount, 1053 00:34:45,890 --> 00:34:49,020 like maybe they could reuse a test tube or something. 1054 00:34:49,220 --> 00:34:51,610 You do not want a doctor that reuses a test tube. 1055 00:34:51,810 --> 00:34:55,110 I'm okay with three to five previously used test tubes. 1056 00:34:55,310 --> 00:34:56,320 Astrid, are you hearing this? 1057 00:34:56,520 --> 00:34:57,700 No, I haven't heard anything he's said 1058 00:34:57,900 --> 00:34:59,620 for the last two months. What color are you going to get? 1059 00:34:59,820 --> 00:35:01,120 I think a pink toilet would be amazing. 1060 00:35:01,320 --> 00:35:03,120 - What's wrong with your toilet? - Nothing. 1061 00:35:03,320 --> 00:35:04,670 Well, then, why would you get a new toilet? 1062 00:35:04,870 --> 00:35:05,960 Because I have to get a new bathtub. 1063 00:35:06,160 --> 00:35:07,130 - So? - They won't match. 1064 00:35:07,330 --> 00:35:09,210 Does that matter? 1065 00:35:09,410 --> 00:35:11,100 Can you pass the lox? 1066 00:35:12,730 --> 00:35:15,630 Why didn't you ever mention Ethan's aptitude test? 1067 00:35:15,830 --> 00:35:16,840 His what? 1068 00:35:17,040 --> 00:35:18,930 His aptitude test. 1069 00:35:19,130 --> 00:35:21,310 They give every child in his school an aptitude test 1070 00:35:21,510 --> 00:35:22,600 at the beginning of the year. 1071 00:35:22,800 --> 00:35:25,270 - Oh, how'd he do? - He failed. 1072 00:35:25,470 --> 00:35:29,230 They say he has the potential for nothing but happiness. 1073 00:35:29,430 --> 00:35:31,530 Is that bad? 1074 00:35:31,730 --> 00:35:33,570 Ethan is a first-born Weissman male. 1075 00:35:33,770 --> 00:35:36,530 A first-born Weissman male is expected to excel. 1076 00:35:36,730 --> 00:35:38,820 They are not expected to be happy. 1077 00:35:39,020 --> 00:35:40,280 I'm sorry, just because he's happy 1078 00:35:40,480 --> 00:35:41,830 doesn't mean he won't excel. 1079 00:35:42,030 --> 00:35:43,250 [Abe] Of course it does. 1080 00:35:43,450 --> 00:35:44,910 Not one person who has ever 1081 00:35:45,110 --> 00:35:46,670 accomplished anything of worth in life 1082 00:35:46,870 --> 00:35:48,170 has ever been happy. 1083 00:35:48,370 --> 00:35:50,750 - That can't be true. - [Moishe] Name me one 1084 00:35:50,950 --> 00:35:52,380 cheerful man of science. 1085 00:35:52,580 --> 00:35:54,590 One sunny artist of worth. 1086 00:35:54,790 --> 00:35:57,260 One giddy Founding Father. 1087 00:35:57,460 --> 00:35:59,430 Benjamin Franklin. Didn't he get laid a lot? 1088 00:35:59,630 --> 00:36:01,760 - Miriam, in front of the baby? - Yes, he did, 1089 00:36:01,960 --> 00:36:03,470 but given all his great accomplishments, 1090 00:36:03,670 --> 00:36:05,890 I guarantee you, he didn't enjoy it. 1091 00:36:06,090 --> 00:36:07,440 Why are you getting so upset? 1092 00:36:07,640 --> 00:36:09,440 Your son 1093 00:36:09,640 --> 00:36:12,650 flunked his aptitude test. 1094 00:36:12,850 --> 00:36:15,440 I saw the score. He basically 1095 00:36:15,640 --> 00:36:17,200 has no aptitude. 1096 00:36:17,400 --> 00:36:18,990 It seemed like, half the time, he was trying to write 1097 00:36:19,190 --> 00:36:21,120 with the eraser side of the pencil. 1098 00:36:21,320 --> 00:36:23,450 - He's just a little boy. - A little boy 1099 00:36:23,650 --> 00:36:26,210 who marches in a circle all day, 1100 00:36:26,400 --> 00:36:28,620 oblivious to what the future holds. 1101 00:36:28,820 --> 00:36:31,460 And the only thing his mother seems to care about 1102 00:36:31,660 --> 00:36:34,130 is a ridiculous pink toilet. 1103 00:36:34,330 --> 00:36:35,590 What's wrong with a pink toilet? 1104 00:36:35,790 --> 00:36:37,470 A toilet is not supposed to be pink. 1105 00:36:37,670 --> 00:36:39,930 - [Midge] Why not? - Because a toilet is supposed to be white. 1106 00:36:40,130 --> 00:36:42,510 A pink toilet is still a toilet, except it's fun. 1107 00:36:42,710 --> 00:36:46,640 Not everything is supposed to be fun. 1108 00:36:46,840 --> 00:36:49,270 Not everything needs to make you smile. 1109 00:36:49,470 --> 00:36:51,690 Sometimes you just have 1110 00:36:51,890 --> 00:36:53,340 - to use a toilet. - [door slams] 1111 00:36:53,540 --> 00:36:56,030 They call and you come running. 1112 00:36:56,230 --> 00:36:57,610 Like a well-trained Spaniel. 1113 00:36:57,810 --> 00:36:58,740 Stop it, Janusz. 1114 00:36:58,940 --> 00:37:00,950 We should get you a leash and a chew toy. 1115 00:37:01,150 --> 00:37:02,240 Shut it! 1116 00:37:02,440 --> 00:37:04,370 That is a linen closet. 1117 00:37:04,570 --> 00:37:07,250 The linen closet is where you keep the tablecloths. 1118 00:37:07,450 --> 00:37:09,500 And the sheets, and the pillowcases, 1119 00:37:09,700 --> 00:37:10,880 and it's all in the book I made you, 1120 00:37:11,070 --> 00:37:12,460 that sits untouched in the kitchen. 1121 00:37:12,660 --> 00:37:13,590 Zelda, did you by any chance... 1122 00:37:13,790 --> 00:37:15,960 Yes, I brought the baby-making herbs. 1123 00:37:16,160 --> 00:37:17,590 - Oh! - I will now go into the kitchen 1124 00:37:17,790 --> 00:37:20,380 and I will cook you your tea so you can give Chaim a sister. 1125 00:37:20,580 --> 00:37:21,720 - Thank you. - [Zelda] And once I'm done, 1126 00:37:21,920 --> 00:37:24,260 we are going home to call the phone company 1127 00:37:24,460 --> 00:37:27,280 to come take our phone. We don't want it anymore! 1128 00:37:29,030 --> 00:37:32,440 This is why they always want to kill the fancy folks. 1129 00:37:32,640 --> 00:37:33,900 I like her new uniform. 1130 00:37:34,100 --> 00:37:36,440 - Hello? I'm here. - [Rose] Hello, Joel. 1131 00:37:36,640 --> 00:37:38,780 Sorry I'm a little late. I had to wait for a delivery. 1132 00:37:38,980 --> 00:37:41,740 What did you do to your son? 1133 00:37:41,940 --> 00:37:42,910 What are you talking about? 1134 00:37:43,110 --> 00:37:45,450 Have you been talking to him? 1135 00:37:45,650 --> 00:37:47,290 [Midge] Papa, you're acting crazy. 1136 00:37:47,490 --> 00:37:49,160 I assure you, this is not an act. 1137 00:37:49,360 --> 00:37:51,120 - Tell me. - Of course I've been talking to him. 1138 00:37:51,320 --> 00:37:52,960 You've seen me talk to him. He's my son. 1139 00:37:53,160 --> 00:37:55,290 I told you specifically 1140 00:37:55,490 --> 00:37:58,090 the less said to him before the age of six, 1141 00:37:58,290 --> 00:37:59,840 - the better, did I not? - You were serious? 1142 00:38:00,040 --> 00:38:02,220 Of course I was serious. Why wouldn't I be serious? 1143 00:38:02,420 --> 00:38:03,510 Because that's nuts. 1144 00:38:03,710 --> 00:38:05,640 I told you about the bloodlines. 1145 00:38:05,840 --> 00:38:07,720 - The Weissman gift. - Abe, that's all bullshit. 1146 00:38:07,920 --> 00:38:09,140 There's no magic gift. 1147 00:38:09,340 --> 00:38:11,730 Oh, no, Joel, there is absolutely a Weissman gift. 1148 00:38:11,930 --> 00:38:13,900 Did you see the Weissman first-born male book? 1149 00:38:14,100 --> 00:38:16,520 Oh, wait. Was that the book Zelda was talking about? 1150 00:38:16,720 --> 00:38:19,150 Why would Zelda talk about the Weissman first-born male book? 1151 00:38:19,350 --> 00:38:21,610 I don't know, she just keeps going on and on about a book. 1152 00:38:21,810 --> 00:38:23,200 There is nothing wrong with Ethan. 1153 00:38:23,400 --> 00:38:24,950 Have you seen his group? 1154 00:38:25,150 --> 00:38:26,120 What group? 1155 00:38:26,320 --> 00:38:28,290 He is apparently in a happy group in school. 1156 00:38:28,490 --> 00:38:29,620 What's wrong with that? 1157 00:38:29,820 --> 00:38:32,250 I can't believe it. He's ruined the bloodline. 1158 00:38:32,450 --> 00:38:34,000 - Oh, no. Really? - We don't know that. 1159 00:38:34,200 --> 00:38:36,460 Well, what's the explanation, then, Rose? 1160 00:38:36,660 --> 00:38:38,380 What explains Ethan's happiness? 1161 00:38:38,580 --> 00:38:40,340 Maybe he's a late bloomer. 1162 00:38:40,540 --> 00:38:42,470 - Maybe he'll get miserable later. - Six is the age. 1163 00:38:42,670 --> 00:38:45,220 But Pop, I thought there were a few Weissman first-born males 1164 00:38:45,420 --> 00:38:46,600 that didn't kick in until seven. 1165 00:38:46,800 --> 00:38:49,260 Remember? That, uh, really distant cousin 1166 00:38:49,460 --> 00:38:51,060 who helped pave the way for the X-ray machine? 1167 00:38:51,260 --> 00:38:54,480 Well, yes, but there were extenuating circumstances. 1168 00:38:54,680 --> 00:38:56,560 You had the Franco-Prussian War going on. 1169 00:38:56,760 --> 00:38:57,860 But it kicked in eventually, right? 1170 00:38:58,060 --> 00:38:59,190 Well, I hope so. 1171 00:38:59,390 --> 00:39:00,650 I was so counting on Chaim being smart. 1172 00:39:00,850 --> 00:39:02,440 - He will be, honey. - But what if he's not? 1173 00:39:02,640 --> 00:39:04,240 Oh, God, Noah, what if he's dumb 1174 00:39:04,440 --> 00:39:05,570 and we have to spend our lives pretending he's smart 1175 00:39:05,770 --> 00:39:07,160 like the Kirchner's down the street? 1176 00:39:07,360 --> 00:39:09,410 The chain has not been broken. 1177 00:39:09,610 --> 00:39:10,410 What if our daughter is stupid, too, 1178 00:39:10,610 --> 00:39:11,410 and then we have two dummies 1179 00:39:11,610 --> 00:39:12,750 just running around the house? 1180 00:39:12,950 --> 00:39:15,120 Well, at least they can be friends with Ethan. 1181 00:39:15,320 --> 00:39:16,710 - Hey. - Yeah. 1182 00:39:16,910 --> 00:39:18,880 Can everyone stop talking about how stupid my kid is? 1183 00:39:19,080 --> 00:39:21,010 This is an old wives' tale. 1184 00:39:21,200 --> 00:39:24,130 Ethan, get your sister and let's go. 1185 00:39:24,330 --> 00:39:26,640 Now, this is the last time I want to hear anybody 1186 00:39:26,840 --> 00:39:29,510 say anything bad about my son's happiness. Am I clear? 1187 00:39:29,710 --> 00:39:30,970 Say, "Goodbye." 1188 00:39:31,170 --> 00:39:32,810 Goodbye. 1189 00:39:33,010 --> 00:39:35,560 [clucking like a chicken] Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye. 1190 00:39:35,760 --> 00:39:38,860 - Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye. - [sobbing quietly] 1191 00:39:39,060 --> 00:39:41,190 Bye, bye, bye, bye. 1192 00:39:41,390 --> 00:39:43,440 [♪ Count Basie and Joe Williams: "Alright, Okay, You Win"] 1193 00:39:43,640 --> 00:39:44,950 ♪ Well, all right, okay... 1194 00:39:45,150 --> 00:39:46,910 I love twins. 1195 00:39:47,110 --> 00:39:48,660 You are not supposed to tell us what you have. 1196 00:39:48,860 --> 00:39:51,410 - I don't know. I don't know. - I didn't tell you what I had. 1197 00:39:51,610 --> 00:39:53,080 "I love twins" means you have a pair. 1198 00:39:53,280 --> 00:39:54,910 No, it means I love two things 1199 00:39:55,110 --> 00:39:56,420 that are identical to each other. 1200 00:39:56,610 --> 00:39:57,750 Like douchebags and you. 1201 00:39:57,950 --> 00:39:58,670 [Pete] Okay, I'm out, while I can still send 1202 00:39:58,870 --> 00:40:00,290 at least one kid to college. 1203 00:40:00,490 --> 00:40:02,420 I'm in. It's just money, Pete. 1204 00:40:02,620 --> 00:40:04,340 Says the youngest executive in talk show history. 1205 00:40:04,540 --> 00:40:06,760 Not the youngest. One of the youngest. 1206 00:40:06,960 --> 00:40:07,840 - Call. - Call. 1207 00:40:08,040 --> 00:40:09,510 And to think when I first met you, 1208 00:40:09,710 --> 00:40:11,180 you were George Toledano's bitch. 1209 00:40:11,380 --> 00:40:13,060 It said so on my door and everything. 1210 00:40:13,260 --> 00:40:15,020 Admit it, I've been good luck for you, Mike. 1211 00:40:15,220 --> 00:40:16,390 You, not so much. 1212 00:40:16,590 --> 00:40:18,100 - Stop focusing on me. - Sorry. 1213 00:40:18,300 --> 00:40:20,020 It's just that vampires with expense accounts 1214 00:40:20,220 --> 00:40:21,540 are a real turn-on for me. 1215 00:40:22,540 --> 00:40:23,480 - Ten. - [Mike] I'll call. 1216 00:40:23,680 --> 00:40:24,530 Me, too. 1217 00:40:24,730 --> 00:40:25,740 I'm out. 1218 00:40:25,940 --> 00:40:27,950 All right, final card, people. 1219 00:40:28,150 --> 00:40:29,780 These are some great sandwiches over here. 1220 00:40:29,980 --> 00:40:32,330 - What kind? - This has bread, meat, 1221 00:40:32,530 --> 00:40:33,660 cheese, tomato... 1222 00:40:33,860 --> 00:40:35,500 So, basically, a sandwich. It's a sandwich. 1223 00:40:35,700 --> 00:40:36,620 What's the move, Susie? 1224 00:40:36,820 --> 00:40:38,310 [muttering] 1225 00:40:40,270 --> 00:40:41,840 Ten. 1226 00:40:42,040 --> 00:40:43,380 - I'm out. - Raise you ten. 1227 00:40:43,580 --> 00:40:44,510 I raise your raise. 1228 00:40:44,700 --> 00:40:45,710 Are you raising my raise 1229 00:40:45,910 --> 00:40:47,090 - just to raise my raise? - [Susie] Yes. 1230 00:40:47,290 --> 00:40:48,590 That's not how you play. Mike. 1231 00:40:48,790 --> 00:40:50,340 What do you think he's going to do? 1232 00:40:50,540 --> 00:40:52,810 Fine. Call. 1233 00:40:53,000 --> 00:40:54,140 Pair of kings. 1234 00:40:54,340 --> 00:40:56,320 Hmm. Pair of threes. 1235 00:40:57,660 --> 00:40:59,100 Oh, and another three. 1236 00:40:59,300 --> 00:41:00,150 Fuck you. 1237 00:41:00,350 --> 00:41:01,480 - [laughs] - I'm getting a sandwich. 1238 00:41:01,680 --> 00:41:03,650 They are delicious. This one has mustard. 1239 00:41:03,850 --> 00:41:05,440 Everybody, take a break. 1240 00:41:05,640 --> 00:41:07,110 - Stretch your legs. - Sounds good to me. 1241 00:41:07,310 --> 00:41:09,090 - Walk with me. - Sure. 1242 00:41:10,090 --> 00:41:11,570 [Mike] I didn't know you had bad blood with Ken. 1243 00:41:11,770 --> 00:41:14,700 No bad blood, just hope to hora on his grave. 1244 00:41:14,900 --> 00:41:15,950 Why? 1245 00:41:16,150 --> 00:41:17,550 He's Shy Baldwin's agent. 1246 00:41:19,600 --> 00:41:20,750 What do you think of Pete? 1247 00:41:20,950 --> 00:41:23,590 He is not Shy Baldwin's agent. 1248 00:41:23,790 --> 00:41:25,460 Pete books Jack Paar. 1249 00:41:25,660 --> 00:41:27,630 All you talent bookers hang out together? 1250 00:41:27,830 --> 00:41:28,720 - You don't have any friends? - No. 1251 00:41:28,920 --> 00:41:31,720 Listen, Paar wants new voices. 1252 00:41:31,920 --> 00:41:33,510 His show's number two, he's hungry. 1253 00:41:33,710 --> 00:41:35,060 Pete's putting together a showcase, 1254 00:41:35,260 --> 00:41:37,980 12 top up-and-comers, ten minutes. 1255 00:41:38,170 --> 00:41:39,810 Midge is in. 1256 00:41:40,010 --> 00:41:41,480 - What? - I talked to him. 1257 00:41:41,680 --> 00:41:42,650 He's really excited to see her. 1258 00:41:42,850 --> 00:41:44,150 You talked to him about Midge? 1259 00:41:44,350 --> 00:41:45,610 She's the only woman in the showcase. 1260 00:41:45,810 --> 00:41:46,940 I got him to give her a late slot. 1261 00:41:47,140 --> 00:41:48,150 She's gonna shine. 1262 00:41:48,350 --> 00:41:49,490 What's going on? 1263 00:41:49,690 --> 00:41:51,490 What? I thought you'd be happy. 1264 00:41:51,690 --> 00:41:53,410 Well, what about Gordon's show? 1265 00:41:53,610 --> 00:41:54,990 You know the rule... 1266 00:41:55,190 --> 00:41:57,120 That was George's rule. George is gone. 1267 00:41:57,320 --> 00:41:58,950 It's not just George's rule. It's also Gordon's. 1268 00:41:59,150 --> 00:42:00,870 But you're there now. Get him to change the rule. 1269 00:42:01,070 --> 00:42:02,250 I've been there all of five minutes. 1270 00:42:02,450 --> 00:42:04,590 I can't do anything till he totally trusts me. 1271 00:42:04,780 --> 00:42:05,920 How long do you want to wait? 1272 00:42:06,120 --> 00:42:07,420 Shit. We were counting on Gordon. 1273 00:42:07,620 --> 00:42:08,840 So count on Paar. 1274 00:42:09,040 --> 00:42:11,270 Come on. This is a gift. 1275 00:42:12,730 --> 00:42:14,010 Okay. 1276 00:42:14,210 --> 00:42:15,260 Thanks. 1277 00:42:15,460 --> 00:42:16,510 Yeah. 1278 00:42:16,710 --> 00:42:18,820 Hey, guys, I think Ken is in the bathroom crying. 1279 00:42:20,240 --> 00:42:22,520 Seriously, thank you for this. 1280 00:42:22,720 --> 00:42:23,810 Of course. 1281 00:42:24,010 --> 00:42:25,060 I hope Midge kills. 1282 00:42:25,260 --> 00:42:27,750 What? Oh, yeah. Thanks for that, too. 1283 00:42:29,630 --> 00:42:30,740 [woman] Pss, pss, pss, pss. 1284 00:42:30,940 --> 00:42:32,990 [woman 2] Are you sure that's a good idea? 1285 00:42:33,190 --> 00:42:33,910 I don't think... 1286 00:42:34,110 --> 00:42:35,870 What's in the ceiling now? 1287 00:42:36,070 --> 00:42:36,870 We think it's a cat. 1288 00:42:37,070 --> 00:42:38,620 - You think? - Well, it's fast. 1289 00:42:38,820 --> 00:42:40,080 And it's got a tail. 1290 00:42:40,280 --> 00:42:42,290 Hey, you. Get out here. I want to talk. 1291 00:42:42,490 --> 00:42:43,750 Sure. We can talk in here. 1292 00:42:43,950 --> 00:42:45,960 Nope. Too much vag. Let's go. 1293 00:42:46,160 --> 00:42:47,460 Great. Sit. 1294 00:42:47,660 --> 00:42:48,960 I didn't know you were coming tonight. 1295 00:42:49,160 --> 00:42:50,300 How long till you go on? 1296 00:42:50,500 --> 00:42:51,470 I got a couple minutes. 1297 00:42:51,660 --> 00:42:53,260 And I have some very exciting news. 1298 00:42:53,460 --> 00:42:54,890 I love very exciting news. 1299 00:42:55,080 --> 00:42:56,760 It is not going to happen with Gordon Ford. 1300 00:42:56,960 --> 00:42:58,350 That's exciting news? 1301 00:42:58,550 --> 00:43:00,060 - Miriam... - Woo-hoo, it's my lucky day. 1302 00:43:00,260 --> 00:43:01,520 Stop it, that isn't the exciting news. 1303 00:43:01,720 --> 00:43:02,770 The exciting news is that 1304 00:43:02,970 --> 00:43:04,940 I got you a showcase for Jack Paar. 1305 00:43:05,140 --> 00:43:07,110 - A showcase? - No. 1306 00:43:07,310 --> 00:43:09,070 Do not sigh. This is different. 1307 00:43:09,270 --> 00:43:11,490 This is invitation only. No cattle call. 1308 00:43:11,680 --> 00:43:12,740 It's very selective. 1309 00:43:12,940 --> 00:43:14,860 And Paar is going to be there. 1310 00:43:15,060 --> 00:43:16,660 This is real, this is big. 1311 00:43:16,860 --> 00:43:17,660 Jack Paar. 1312 00:43:17,860 --> 00:43:19,240 I talked to the booker, Pete, 1313 00:43:19,440 --> 00:43:20,450 after the poker game tonight. 1314 00:43:20,650 --> 00:43:21,580 Did you win? 1315 00:43:21,780 --> 00:43:22,870 Eh, I left with everything 1316 00:43:23,070 --> 00:43:25,040 but their dicks in my pocket. 1317 00:43:25,240 --> 00:43:27,210 Anyhow, he told me there's only 12 comics on the bill, 1318 00:43:27,410 --> 00:43:29,000 and you are the only woman. 1319 00:43:29,200 --> 00:43:30,840 You get that whole runway to yourself. 1320 00:43:31,040 --> 00:43:32,630 Who told you Gordon Ford's dead? 1321 00:43:32,830 --> 00:43:34,170 Doesn't matter. This is better. 1322 00:43:34,370 --> 00:43:36,010 The whole point of me taking that writing job 1323 00:43:36,210 --> 00:43:37,840 was to get on his show. 1324 00:43:38,040 --> 00:43:39,970 Hey, look at me. Fuck Ford. 1325 00:43:40,170 --> 00:43:42,640 He's a child. Paar is a legend. 1326 00:43:42,840 --> 00:43:44,060 Let Paar break you. 1327 00:43:44,260 --> 00:43:45,850 Mm? Gordon'll look like 1328 00:43:46,050 --> 00:43:47,690 a fucking idiot 'cause he had the next best thing 1329 00:43:47,890 --> 00:43:48,900 sitting in his office, 1330 00:43:49,100 --> 00:43:50,070 and he was too much of a dickhead to put her on. 1331 00:43:50,260 --> 00:43:52,230 - I guess. - You go on Paar first, 1332 00:43:52,430 --> 00:43:54,860 Gordon's going to be so pissed. 1333 00:43:55,060 --> 00:43:56,110 Yeah. 1334 00:43:56,310 --> 00:43:58,410 Think of how fun that'll be. 1335 00:43:58,610 --> 00:44:00,080 Yeah. 1336 00:44:00,270 --> 00:44:01,910 So, how about we shift our gunboats to Paar? 1337 00:44:02,110 --> 00:44:03,040 [woman screams] 1338 00:44:03,240 --> 00:44:04,120 Not a cat! 1339 00:44:04,320 --> 00:44:05,790 Definitely not a fucking cat. 1340 00:44:05,990 --> 00:44:08,000 [shouting, screaming] 1341 00:44:08,200 --> 00:44:11,460 [♪ Blossom Dearie: "Bang Goes The Drum (And You're In Love)"] 1342 00:44:11,660 --> 00:44:12,710 ♪ Walking down the street ♪ 1343 00:44:12,910 --> 00:44:14,460 ♪ And suddenly you meet ♪ 1344 00:44:14,660 --> 00:44:17,720 ♪ A pair of brown eyes dancing along... 1345 00:44:17,920 --> 00:44:18,890 Why are you getting a raise? 1346 00:44:19,090 --> 00:44:20,430 Oh, hi. What? 1347 00:44:20,630 --> 00:44:21,430 You're getting a raise. 1348 00:44:21,630 --> 00:44:22,430 - Why? - Am I? 1349 00:44:22,630 --> 00:44:23,720 - Yes. - Says who? 1350 00:44:23,920 --> 00:44:24,730 The raise fairy. 1351 00:44:24,920 --> 00:44:26,180 Oh. Why? 1352 00:44:26,380 --> 00:44:27,810 - That's my question. - Uh... 1353 00:44:28,010 --> 00:44:29,480 - You didn't know? - I didn't know. 1354 00:44:29,680 --> 00:44:30,610 It's a big one, too. 1355 00:44:30,810 --> 00:44:31,610 You'll be making as much as the men. 1356 00:44:31,810 --> 00:44:33,190 [gasps] Jiminy Crickets. 1357 00:44:33,390 --> 00:44:35,400 - More than one of them. - Ooh, Ralph? 1358 00:44:35,600 --> 00:44:37,030 - Is it Ralph? - Oh, I'm not telling you that. 1359 00:44:37,230 --> 00:44:38,570 Yes, it's Ralph. 1360 00:44:38,770 --> 00:44:40,120 Well, this is very serious. 1361 00:44:40,310 --> 00:44:41,780 I mean, if this gets out, 1362 00:44:41,980 --> 00:44:43,370 every working woman will want to get paid 1363 00:44:43,570 --> 00:44:45,500 just as much as a man to do the exact same job, 1364 00:44:45,700 --> 00:44:47,330 and our entire civilization will collapse. 1365 00:44:47,530 --> 00:44:48,620 Exactly. 1366 00:44:48,820 --> 00:44:49,880 Can't help you, Mike. 1367 00:44:50,070 --> 00:44:53,020 ♪ And the show has begun ♪♪ 1368 00:44:54,440 --> 00:44:55,670 Hi. Got a sec? 1369 00:44:55,870 --> 00:44:57,730 - No. - Okay. 1370 00:44:59,650 --> 00:45:01,950 I guess I do. 1371 00:45:03,910 --> 00:45:06,640 I was just wondering, why did I get raise? 1372 00:45:06,840 --> 00:45:07,810 You know why. 1373 00:45:08,010 --> 00:45:08,980 No, I don't. 1374 00:45:09,180 --> 00:45:10,600 Danny Stevens tried to poach you, 1375 00:45:10,800 --> 00:45:12,400 so I had to bid against him to keep you. 1376 00:45:12,600 --> 00:45:15,070 That's how business works. Congratulations. 1377 00:45:15,270 --> 00:45:16,530 You feel very good about it, I see. 1378 00:45:16,730 --> 00:45:18,280 I'm fine. 1379 00:45:18,480 --> 00:45:20,450 I was banned from Toots Shor again. 1380 00:45:20,650 --> 00:45:21,950 Well, you did attack him with his own garnish tray. 1381 00:45:22,150 --> 00:45:23,370 [Gordon clears throat] 1382 00:45:23,570 --> 00:45:25,700 Midge, is there anything else I can help you with? 1383 00:45:25,900 --> 00:45:27,510 Nope. 1384 00:45:29,510 --> 00:45:31,960 You know, I don't think he was hitting on me. 1385 00:45:32,160 --> 00:45:33,670 I know when men are hitting on me. 1386 00:45:33,870 --> 00:45:35,000 Oh, he was. 1387 00:45:35,200 --> 00:45:36,380 You are not a woman. 1388 00:45:36,580 --> 00:45:37,710 You are not a man. 1389 00:45:37,910 --> 00:45:39,670 No, but I get paid like one now, apparently. 1390 00:45:39,870 --> 00:45:40,970 He's a smooth operator. 1391 00:45:41,170 --> 00:45:41,970 You probably didn't pick up on it. 1392 00:45:42,170 --> 00:45:43,180 Right. 1393 00:45:43,380 --> 00:45:44,390 Probably because it didn't happen. 1394 00:45:44,590 --> 00:45:45,850 It happened, okay? 1395 00:45:46,050 --> 00:45:48,490 It didn't, but sure. Whatever you say. 1396 00:45:53,960 --> 00:45:55,580 Yes, Midge? 1397 00:45:57,380 --> 00:46:00,210 I'm going to do a showcase for Jack Paar tonight. 1398 00:46:01,590 --> 00:46:03,280 Got a fancy dress on and everything. 1399 00:46:03,480 --> 00:46:05,630 Shaved my whole leg, front and back. 1400 00:46:07,260 --> 00:46:09,080 He's going to be there. 1401 00:46:09,280 --> 00:46:10,660 Jack Paar. 1402 00:46:10,860 --> 00:46:12,120 Twelve comics are performing. 1403 00:46:12,320 --> 00:46:13,540 I'm the only girl. 1404 00:46:13,740 --> 00:46:16,750 Gives me a little leg up, hence the shaving. 1405 00:46:16,950 --> 00:46:18,800 Got a good spot. 1406 00:46:19,000 --> 00:46:20,230 Toward the end. 1407 00:46:22,440 --> 00:46:23,610 So... 1408 00:46:25,450 --> 00:46:27,180 Want to book me first? 1409 00:46:27,380 --> 00:46:28,740 Beat him to the punch? 1410 00:46:29,780 --> 00:46:32,490 No? Yes? Maybe? 1411 00:46:37,080 --> 00:46:38,650 Okay. 1412 00:46:38,850 --> 00:46:40,000 Well... 1413 00:46:44,170 --> 00:46:46,410 Going once... 1414 00:46:46,610 --> 00:46:47,870 going twice... 1415 00:46:48,070 --> 00:46:48,910 You're not supposed to back away 1416 00:46:49,110 --> 00:46:49,910 when you're counting down like that. 1417 00:46:50,110 --> 00:46:51,000 You stand in front of a person, 1418 00:46:51,200 --> 00:46:53,210 you say "once, twice," and then go. 1419 00:46:53,410 --> 00:46:54,920 Okay, thanks for the tip. 1420 00:46:55,120 --> 00:46:57,020 I'll remember that. 1421 00:47:07,900 --> 00:47:10,370 I'm gonna get this. 1422 00:47:11,410 --> 00:47:12,780 You'll see. 1423 00:47:18,580 --> 00:47:19,900 [door creaks] 1424 00:47:20,100 --> 00:47:21,080 [door closes] 1425 00:47:22,380 --> 00:47:23,570 [man] Lost in Bermuda. 1426 00:47:23,770 --> 00:47:25,700 [audience chuckles] 1427 00:47:25,900 --> 00:47:27,160 I love being a comedian, 1428 00:47:27,360 --> 00:47:28,830 because even though people are judging me up here, 1429 00:47:29,030 --> 00:47:30,290 at least they've been drinking. 1430 00:47:30,480 --> 00:47:33,000 [Susie snores] Jesus, someone hand me a pillow. 1431 00:47:33,200 --> 00:47:35,000 I feel like I've been watching the same blue suit 1432 00:47:35,200 --> 00:47:37,080 complain about blue balls for three hours. 1433 00:47:37,280 --> 00:47:38,420 Because you have. 1434 00:47:38,620 --> 00:47:40,550 - Paar's still there, right? - Yes. 1435 00:47:40,750 --> 00:47:42,840 He is loading a gun to blow his brains out, though. 1436 00:47:43,040 --> 00:47:44,760 Make sure he saves me a bullet. 1437 00:47:44,960 --> 00:47:46,260 Midge Maisel? 1438 00:47:46,460 --> 00:47:48,430 There's only one chick on the bill, one set of tits. 1439 00:47:48,630 --> 00:47:49,800 Why is it a question? 1440 00:47:50,000 --> 00:47:51,640 You could be Midge Maisel. You've got tits. 1441 00:47:51,840 --> 00:47:54,270 I got to say, it's nice someone finally noticed. 1442 00:47:54,470 --> 00:47:56,310 - I'm Midge. - You're up next. 1443 00:47:56,510 --> 00:47:58,690 Well, here goes nothing. How do I look? 1444 00:47:58,890 --> 00:48:00,650 For this crowd? Like the eighth night of Hanukkah. 1445 00:48:00,850 --> 00:48:02,690 - [emcee] But coming up next is a good friend of mine... - Tits up. 1446 00:48:02,890 --> 00:48:05,340 - Tits up. - ...be kind. Mrs. Maisel. 1447 00:48:08,340 --> 00:48:11,120 [Midge] Hello, hello, ladies and gentlemen. 1448 00:48:11,320 --> 00:48:14,160 Wow. People, really, did you all get bad news 1449 00:48:14,360 --> 00:48:15,620 at the same time? 1450 00:48:15,820 --> 00:48:17,210 Is it terminal? 1451 00:48:17,410 --> 00:48:20,340 How many puppies got clubbed to land me this sea of faces? 1452 00:48:20,530 --> 00:48:23,210 It's like there are Germans downstairs or something. 1453 00:48:23,410 --> 00:48:24,920 [audience laughs] 1454 00:48:25,120 --> 00:48:26,550 They live. 1455 00:48:26,750 --> 00:48:28,190 Great. 1456 00:48:30,400 --> 00:48:31,470 You're very funny. 1457 00:48:31,670 --> 00:48:32,860 Thank you. 1458 00:48:35,450 --> 00:48:36,700 [laughter] 1459 00:48:50,010 --> 00:48:51,780 You got any arsenic on you? 1460 00:48:51,980 --> 00:48:53,330 Oh, shoot. Other purse. 1461 00:48:53,530 --> 00:48:54,740 Just my luck. 1462 00:48:54,940 --> 00:48:56,260 Last smoke? 1463 00:48:57,310 --> 00:48:58,870 I'm guessing you weren't happy with your set. 1464 00:48:59,070 --> 00:49:00,670 What was not to be happy about? 1465 00:49:00,870 --> 00:49:02,630 They coughed, they talked, they ordered drinks. 1466 00:49:02,830 --> 00:49:04,920 It was like Sunday night bingo without the door prize. 1467 00:49:05,120 --> 00:49:06,400 It wasn't that bad. 1468 00:49:07,400 --> 00:49:08,730 Yeah. 1469 00:49:10,190 --> 00:49:11,740 It wasn't that good, either. 1470 00:49:13,530 --> 00:49:14,820 You were, though. 1471 00:49:16,160 --> 00:49:17,770 I was okay. 1472 00:49:17,970 --> 00:49:19,450 "Okay." 1473 00:49:20,500 --> 00:49:22,060 Sure. 1474 00:49:22,260 --> 00:49:24,650 [indistinct chatter] 1475 00:49:24,850 --> 00:49:26,540 I'll see you around, Eugene. 1476 00:49:27,540 --> 00:49:28,610 [Susie] ...huge, for her and you. 1477 00:49:28,810 --> 00:49:30,700 [Pete] Okay, easiest way to put it, 1478 00:49:30,900 --> 00:49:32,700 the parts just don't add up, okay? 1479 00:49:32,900 --> 00:49:34,330 [Susie] What are you talking about? 1480 00:49:34,530 --> 00:49:36,040 I'm sorry, I just don't get it. 1481 00:49:36,240 --> 00:49:37,620 What do you mean, you don't get it? 1482 00:49:37,820 --> 00:49:39,830 I mean, I don't get it. She's a girl, but she's pretty. 1483 00:49:40,030 --> 00:49:41,830 She's got a nice dress and she does what? 1484 00:49:42,030 --> 00:49:43,080 She's fucking funny. 1485 00:49:43,280 --> 00:49:44,380 I don't know what I'm selling. 1486 00:49:44,580 --> 00:49:46,210 You are selling a comic. 1487 00:49:46,410 --> 00:49:48,090 I just didn't get it. 1488 00:49:48,290 --> 00:49:50,340 - Jack was laughing. - I talked to Jack. 1489 00:49:50,540 --> 00:49:52,550 He didn't flag her. Don't think he got her, either. 1490 00:49:52,750 --> 00:49:53,720 Well, the audience sure got her. 1491 00:49:53,920 --> 00:49:54,800 Did you hear them? 1492 00:49:55,000 --> 00:49:56,100 They lost their shit 1493 00:49:56,300 --> 00:49:57,310 at every fucking thing she said. 1494 00:49:57,510 --> 00:49:58,600 Yeah, they were a nice crowd. 1495 00:49:58,800 --> 00:50:00,850 Fuck "nice." She killed. 1496 00:50:01,050 --> 00:50:03,150 She blew every guy away tonight. 1497 00:50:03,350 --> 00:50:05,020 Destroyed them. You know that. 1498 00:50:05,220 --> 00:50:07,190 Let's talk about your other client. 1499 00:50:07,390 --> 00:50:09,400 - What other client? - James Howard. 1500 00:50:09,600 --> 00:50:10,670 I hear that kid's hot. 1501 00:50:11,750 --> 00:50:13,240 Yeah, James is doing good. 1502 00:50:13,440 --> 00:50:15,120 Word is when that movie comes out, he's a star. 1503 00:50:15,320 --> 00:50:16,490 I don't know. Can we get back to Midge? 1504 00:50:16,690 --> 00:50:18,200 No on Midge. I want to book James. 1505 00:50:18,400 --> 00:50:19,410 - What? - I'd love to get him 1506 00:50:19,610 --> 00:50:20,580 on the show as soon as possible. 1507 00:50:20,780 --> 00:50:21,920 I can offer him great placement. 1508 00:50:22,110 --> 00:50:23,880 He can do six minutes, then sit with Jack. 1509 00:50:24,070 --> 00:50:26,750 Let's get some excitement going so when that movie hits... 1510 00:50:26,950 --> 00:50:27,840 But you've never seen James work. 1511 00:50:28,040 --> 00:50:28,920 You don't even know if he's funny. 1512 00:50:29,120 --> 00:50:30,880 I know people are talking about him. 1513 00:50:31,080 --> 00:50:31,930 That's what I know. 1514 00:50:32,120 --> 00:50:33,130 Yeah, fuck that, Pete. 1515 00:50:33,330 --> 00:50:34,430 Tonight is about Midge. 1516 00:50:34,630 --> 00:50:36,600 - But... - I am not discussing James. 1517 00:50:36,800 --> 00:50:38,600 I am discussing the woman that went up there tonight 1518 00:50:38,800 --> 00:50:41,600 and wiped the fucking floor with 11 other guys. 1519 00:50:41,800 --> 00:50:43,290 I want James. 1520 00:50:45,040 --> 00:50:45,940 Well, I'm not gonna... 1521 00:50:46,140 --> 00:50:47,360 You should book him. 1522 00:50:47,560 --> 00:50:49,610 James is great. I've seen him work. 1523 00:50:49,810 --> 00:50:51,700 He'll be good for the show. 1524 00:50:51,890 --> 00:50:53,110 Look, Midge... 1525 00:50:53,310 --> 00:50:55,370 It's fine. You don't have to get me. 1526 00:50:55,560 --> 00:50:58,030 Not everyone's gonna get me. I don't get me sometimes. 1527 00:50:58,230 --> 00:50:59,370 There are mornings when I wake up, 1528 00:50:59,570 --> 00:51:01,160 and I'm like, "Who are you? What are you? 1529 00:51:01,360 --> 00:51:02,910 Why are you dressed like that?" I understand. 1530 00:51:03,110 --> 00:51:05,460 - Miriam, let me handle this. - No, Susie. 1531 00:51:05,660 --> 00:51:07,840 Don't hurt James. 1532 00:51:08,040 --> 00:51:09,770 Don't do that. I'm good. 1533 00:51:10,810 --> 00:51:12,230 Really. 1534 00:51:13,690 --> 00:51:15,800 You are a class act, Midge Maisel. 1535 00:51:16,000 --> 00:51:17,260 I will give you that. 1536 00:51:17,460 --> 00:51:20,030 Well, that's something, right? 1537 00:51:21,990 --> 00:51:25,160 Thank you for the opportunity, Pete. Really. 1538 00:51:26,370 --> 00:51:28,790 I hope to be able to say "I told you so" one day. 1539 00:51:29,960 --> 00:51:31,040 Me, too. 1540 00:51:32,340 --> 00:51:33,710 Call you tomorrow. 1541 00:51:40,550 --> 00:51:43,050 Okay, let's talk dates, huh? 1542 00:51:44,180 --> 00:51:45,600 Sure. 1543 00:51:46,600 --> 00:51:48,290 [James] Jack fucking Paar. 1544 00:51:48,490 --> 00:51:49,920 - Yep. - My mother's gonna shit. 1545 00:51:50,120 --> 00:51:51,380 She gonna shit, she gonna pass out, 1546 00:51:51,580 --> 00:51:52,920 she gonna wake up and she gonna shit again. 1547 00:51:53,120 --> 00:51:54,880 Sounds like it's gonna be a rough night for your mother. 1548 00:51:55,080 --> 00:51:58,010 Oh, man, I can't believe this year. 1549 00:51:58,210 --> 00:52:00,430 Seven months ago, I was working for wings and fries 1550 00:52:00,630 --> 00:52:02,140 at that chicken place, and now I'm in a movie, 1551 00:52:02,340 --> 00:52:03,810 and I'm gonna be on Jack Paar. 1552 00:52:04,010 --> 00:52:05,690 [laughs] 1553 00:52:05,890 --> 00:52:07,230 Don't pinch me. I don't want to wake up. 1554 00:52:07,430 --> 00:52:09,520 You are on a roll, that's for sure. 1555 00:52:09,720 --> 00:52:11,360 So, what's the date? When do they want me? 1556 00:52:11,560 --> 00:52:12,610 I want to talk to you about that. 1557 00:52:12,810 --> 00:52:13,860 Hey, I don't care when it is. 1558 00:52:14,060 --> 00:52:14,940 I'll cancel whatever I have going. 1559 00:52:15,140 --> 00:52:15,990 Jack want me, 1560 00:52:16,190 --> 00:52:17,740 Jack can have me. [chuckles] 1561 00:52:17,940 --> 00:52:19,870 I want you to turn it down. 1562 00:52:20,070 --> 00:52:22,580 What? Why? 1563 00:52:22,780 --> 00:52:24,000 It's not your turn. 1564 00:52:24,190 --> 00:52:25,830 What the hell does that mean? 1565 00:52:26,030 --> 00:52:27,250 You are on a great path right now, 1566 00:52:27,450 --> 00:52:29,330 without Paar. You don't need him. 1567 00:52:29,530 --> 00:52:32,050 Let's let the movie come out and then you do Paar. 1568 00:52:32,240 --> 00:52:33,590 - Why? - I told you. 1569 00:52:33,790 --> 00:52:35,510 It's just not your turn. 1570 00:52:35,710 --> 00:52:37,840 Uh-huh. Well, how about you make it my turn, then? 1571 00:52:38,040 --> 00:52:39,760 - James... - You book it, Susie. 1572 00:52:39,960 --> 00:52:41,510 I don't think we should. 1573 00:52:41,710 --> 00:52:42,810 You either give me a better reason 1574 00:52:43,010 --> 00:52:44,930 than "It's not your turn," 'cause, frankly, 1575 00:52:45,130 --> 00:52:46,680 that means fuck all to me right now, 1576 00:52:46,880 --> 00:52:48,140 or you book the spot. 1577 00:52:48,340 --> 00:52:49,270 - James... - Book me 1578 00:52:49,470 --> 00:52:51,060 or I'll find someone else who will. 1579 00:52:51,260 --> 00:52:52,770 [♪ Carly Simon: "You're So Vain"] 1580 00:52:52,970 --> 00:52:54,080 ♪ Son of a gun ♪ 1581 00:52:58,090 --> 00:53:00,110 {\an8}♪ He walked in to the party... 1582 00:53:00,310 --> 00:53:01,780 This place is nuts. 1583 00:53:01,980 --> 00:53:04,160 Apparently Mama was so pleased with the shoot today 1584 00:53:04,360 --> 00:53:05,580 that she wants to come back tomorrow 1585 00:53:05,780 --> 00:53:08,540 to add some more angles. So it looks more filmic. 1586 00:53:08,740 --> 00:53:10,000 She learned that term today. 1587 00:53:10,200 --> 00:53:12,710 "Filmic." And "copy that." 1588 00:53:12,910 --> 00:53:15,800 Midge, this commercial has already cost triple 1589 00:53:16,000 --> 00:53:18,090 - what we had budgeted. - What can I tell you? 1590 00:53:18,290 --> 00:53:19,430 Okay, I'd like to have 1591 00:53:19,630 --> 00:53:20,680 a "come to Jesus" talk about this, if I could. 1592 00:53:20,880 --> 00:53:22,850 You want to have a "come to Jesus" talk with a Jew? 1593 00:53:23,050 --> 00:53:23,890 This hobby of your mother's... 1594 00:53:24,090 --> 00:53:25,220 - Oops. - Whoa, there. 1595 00:53:25,420 --> 00:53:26,890 Don't you ever let Mama hear you call it that. 1596 00:53:27,090 --> 00:53:28,810 She will bite your nuts off and make them into earrings. 1597 00:53:29,010 --> 00:53:30,850 This business of hers 1598 00:53:31,050 --> 00:53:33,060 has officially become a huge financial drain on you. 1599 00:53:33,260 --> 00:53:35,400 - How huge? - King Kong to Fay Wray. 1600 00:53:35,600 --> 00:53:38,030 Well, at least I get to be an ingénue again. 1601 00:53:38,230 --> 00:53:39,320 The Madison Ave location was bad enough, 1602 00:53:39,520 --> 00:53:40,950 but the fact that she refused to rent 1603 00:53:41,150 --> 00:53:43,370 and you had to buy the building? Why didn't you call me? 1604 00:53:43,570 --> 00:53:45,450 I was playing Tahoe. The phones were sticky. 1605 00:53:45,650 --> 00:53:47,040 The business is not making money. 1606 00:53:47,240 --> 00:53:49,330 We should really think about closing the place. 1607 00:53:49,530 --> 00:53:51,120 We can negotiate severance for the employees, 1608 00:53:51,320 --> 00:53:52,210 and we can try to sell the building. 1609 00:53:52,410 --> 00:53:53,920 We'll take a loss, 1610 00:53:54,120 --> 00:53:55,420 but we should get it off your books. 1611 00:53:55,620 --> 00:53:57,340 You can just pay your mom a salary, 1612 00:53:57,540 --> 00:53:59,090 straight from you to her. 1613 00:53:59,290 --> 00:54:01,430 It'll be more than she's making now. It... 1614 00:54:01,630 --> 00:54:03,010 Susie, back me up here. 1615 00:54:03,210 --> 00:54:05,280 He's not bullshitting you. The numbers are bad. 1616 00:54:09,120 --> 00:54:10,770 Brian, I appreciate what you're saying, 1617 00:54:10,970 --> 00:54:12,480 but this place is more important to my mother 1618 00:54:12,680 --> 00:54:15,570 than her grandchildren, her husband, her son or me, 1619 00:54:15,760 --> 00:54:18,280 so it will stay open as long as she wants it to stay open. 1620 00:54:18,480 --> 00:54:22,030 I don't want her worrying or feeling sad or like a failure. 1621 00:54:22,230 --> 00:54:24,370 We will continue to tell her business is great, 1622 00:54:24,570 --> 00:54:26,780 and we will make as many commercials as she wants, 1623 00:54:26,980 --> 00:54:28,330 because that's all I can do for her 1624 00:54:28,530 --> 00:54:31,060 in the brief time she's got left. 1625 00:54:32,140 --> 00:54:33,920 [sighs] 1626 00:54:34,120 --> 00:54:35,880 Book the Australian tour. 1627 00:54:36,080 --> 00:54:37,130 First thing tomorrow. 1628 00:54:37,330 --> 00:54:38,500 [Rose] Miriam. 1629 00:54:38,700 --> 00:54:41,170 I just had a brilliant idea. 1630 00:54:41,370 --> 00:54:43,090 - Testimonials. - Ah. 1631 00:54:43,290 --> 00:54:45,300 We film all my great success stories 1632 00:54:45,500 --> 00:54:47,220 and do a series of commercials with them. 1633 00:54:47,420 --> 00:54:49,520 I mean, it may affect everything we just did today, 1634 00:54:49,720 --> 00:54:50,850 but, push come to shove, 1635 00:54:51,050 --> 00:54:53,080 we just do it again. What do you think? 1636 00:54:54,370 --> 00:54:56,750 I think that's a great idea, Mama. 1637 00:55:07,720 --> 00:55:10,950 The bathroom is not gonna be fixed in time, 1638 00:55:11,150 --> 00:55:13,870 and the whole place smells like mildew, 1639 00:55:14,070 --> 00:55:15,920 so I can't have my event here. 1640 00:55:16,120 --> 00:55:17,630 I'm going to have to rent a hall, 1641 00:55:17,830 --> 00:55:19,090 I'm going to have to spend my own money, 1642 00:55:19,290 --> 00:55:20,940 and it's going to cost a fortune. 1643 00:55:23,110 --> 00:55:24,470 I know you don't care. 1644 00:55:24,670 --> 00:55:27,430 You think what I do is silly and frivolous. 1645 00:55:27,630 --> 00:55:30,030 That's fine. It only means something to me. 1646 00:55:34,660 --> 00:55:36,250 [inhales] 1647 00:55:39,830 --> 00:55:41,710 [cries] 1648 00:55:54,260 --> 00:55:55,670 Esther? 1649 00:55:55,860 --> 00:55:57,750 The Earth is exploding. Did you hear? 1650 00:55:57,950 --> 00:55:59,880 No, it's not. Something just fell. 1651 00:56:00,080 --> 00:56:02,060 It's okay. Go back to bed. 1652 00:56:04,270 --> 00:56:05,980 [Midge crying] 1653 00:56:09,860 --> 00:56:11,320 Miriam? Are you all right? 1654 00:56:14,330 --> 00:56:15,310 Miriam? 1655 00:56:15,510 --> 00:56:17,270 [Midge] Not now, Papa. 1656 00:56:17,470 --> 00:56:20,290 [♪ Mozart: "Sonata K. 545"] 1657 00:56:44,360 --> 00:56:46,320 ♪ ♪ 1658 00:56:59,540 --> 00:57:01,610 [television audience laughing] 1659 00:57:01,810 --> 00:57:03,690 {\an8}Where's Nancy? The food's getting cold. 1660 00:57:03,890 --> 00:57:05,400 {\an8}- She's got a date. - Oh. 1661 00:57:05,600 --> 00:57:06,990 {\an8}A date? 1662 00:57:07,190 --> 00:57:09,570 {\an8}With a boy? 1663 00:57:09,770 --> 00:57:12,780 {\an8}Yes, dear, a date. Potatoes? 1664 00:57:12,980 --> 00:57:15,240 {\an8}- Don't try to distract me with potatoes. - But you love potatoes. 1665 00:57:15,440 --> 00:57:16,410 {\an8}I don't want to talk about potatoes. 1666 00:57:16,610 --> 00:57:17,580 {\an8}Okay. 1667 00:57:17,780 --> 00:57:18,850 {\an8}Carrots? 1668 00:57:20,100 --> 00:57:21,460 {\an8}Carole, our daughter is 15. 1669 00:57:21,660 --> 00:57:23,420 {\an8}- Danny... - No dating till she's married. 1670 00:57:23,620 --> 00:57:26,670 {\an8}Then her husband can decide when she dates. 1671 00:57:26,870 --> 00:57:28,380 {\an8}- [doorbell rings] - Can you get that, dear? 1672 00:57:28,580 --> 00:57:30,180 {\an8}Fine, but when I get back, 1673 00:57:30,380 --> 00:57:31,510 {\an8}we're going to have a long talk 1674 00:57:31,710 --> 00:57:33,220 {\an8}about who's in charge of this household. 1675 00:57:33,420 --> 00:57:35,260 {\an8}Me. On second thought, 1676 00:57:35,460 --> 00:57:37,280 {\an8}that was the talk. Talk's done. 1677 00:57:38,870 --> 00:57:39,810 {\an8}Oh, you're kidding me. 1678 00:57:40,010 --> 00:57:40,810 {\an8}Is Nancy here? 1679 00:57:41,010 --> 00:57:42,110 {\an8}No, she enlisted. 1680 00:57:42,300 --> 00:57:43,830 {\an8}For how long? 1681 00:57:45,080 --> 00:57:46,190 {\an8}What's your name, son? 1682 00:57:46,390 --> 00:57:47,190 {\an8}Skippy. 1683 00:57:47,390 --> 00:57:48,570 {\an8}Your parents named you Skippy? 1684 00:57:48,770 --> 00:57:49,900 {\an8}- Yes. - On purpose? 1685 00:57:50,100 --> 00:57:51,030 {\an8}Yes. 1686 00:57:51,230 --> 00:57:52,570 {\an8}Do they know you're not a puppy? 1687 00:57:52,770 --> 00:57:55,790 {\an8}Danny, let the boy in. He'll catch cold. 1688 00:57:55,980 --> 00:57:58,410 {\an8}It's a hallway, not the tundra. 1689 00:57:58,610 --> 00:57:59,890 {\an8}Okay, get in. Get in. 1690 00:58:01,100 --> 00:58:03,420 {\an8}You sure do have a nice home, Mr. Stevens. 1691 00:58:03,620 --> 00:58:04,790 {\an8}What, are you casing the joint? 1692 00:58:04,990 --> 00:58:08,130 {\an8}Aw, you brought Nancy flowers. 1693 00:58:08,330 --> 00:58:09,550 {\an8}Let's see. When was 1694 00:58:09,750 --> 00:58:11,130 {\an8}the last time I got flowers? 1695 00:58:11,330 --> 00:58:13,050 {\an8}Oh, it was when the doorman 1696 00:58:13,250 --> 00:58:14,850 {\an8}brought up a bouquet by mistake. 1697 00:58:15,050 --> 00:58:16,660 {\an8}He had the wrong apartment. 1698 00:58:17,910 --> 00:58:19,730 {\an8}Skippy, come. 1699 00:58:19,930 --> 00:58:21,200 {\an8}Sit. 1700 00:58:22,660 --> 00:58:23,600 {\an8}Good boy. 1701 00:58:23,800 --> 00:58:24,690 {\an8}Now, Skippy... 1702 00:58:24,890 --> 00:58:26,610 {\an8}I still cannot get over that name. 1703 00:58:26,810 --> 00:58:28,070 {\an8}I'm gonna ask you a few questions. 1704 00:58:28,270 --> 00:58:30,110 {\an8}- Do you date a lot, Skippy? - No. 1705 00:58:30,310 --> 00:58:31,780 {\an8}How come? Girls don't like you? 1706 00:58:31,980 --> 00:58:33,610 {\an8}- What? - Is there something wrong with you? 1707 00:58:33,810 --> 00:58:34,920 {\an8}I don't think so. 1708 00:58:36,260 --> 00:58:37,200 {\an8}Hi, Skippy. 1709 00:58:37,400 --> 00:58:39,000 {\an8}Hi, Nancy. You look swell. 1710 00:58:39,190 --> 00:58:41,250 {\an8}Oh, thanks. We should go. 1711 00:58:41,450 --> 00:58:43,460 {\an8}Ah, excuse me, I'm not done with Skippy yet. 1712 00:58:43,660 --> 00:58:44,880 {\an8}- Follow me. - What are you doing? 1713 00:58:45,080 --> 00:58:45,840 {\an8}I'm gonna race him down the hall. 1714 00:58:46,030 --> 00:58:46,920 {\an8}What? 1715 00:58:47,120 --> 00:58:48,170 {\an8}I just want to see 1716 00:58:48,370 --> 00:58:49,260 {\an8}if he can outrun me. 1717 00:58:49,450 --> 00:58:50,590 {\an8}Time to go, you two. 1718 00:58:50,790 --> 00:58:52,630 {\an8}Have fun. Be home by 10:30. 1719 00:58:52,830 --> 00:58:54,780 {\an8}10:30? What is this, Spain? 1720 00:58:55,990 --> 00:58:57,260 {\an8}Home by 8:45. 1721 00:58:57,460 --> 00:58:58,310 {\an8}But, Daddy... 1722 00:58:58,510 --> 00:59:00,350 {\an8}Danny, may I see you 1723 00:59:00,550 --> 00:59:01,850 {\an8}over here for a moment? 1724 00:59:02,050 --> 00:59:03,810 {\an8}- Why? - I just want to talk to you. 1725 00:59:04,010 --> 00:59:05,410 {\an8}He started it. 1726 00:59:06,410 --> 00:59:08,360 {\an8}Danny, your daughter 1727 00:59:08,560 --> 00:59:10,440 {\an8}is about to go to her very first dance 1728 00:59:10,640 --> 00:59:11,690 {\an8}as a young lady. 1729 00:59:11,890 --> 00:59:13,750 {\an8}Are you really going to spoil it for her? 1730 00:59:14,800 --> 00:59:16,630 {\an8}I really want to say "yes." 1731 00:59:18,630 --> 00:59:20,370 {\an8}No. 1732 00:59:20,570 --> 00:59:22,850 {\an8}That's the man I married. 1733 00:59:26,770 --> 00:59:28,000 {\an8}Have fun, you two. 1734 00:59:28,200 --> 00:59:29,550 {\an8}- Nancy. - I know, Daddy. 1735 00:59:29,750 --> 00:59:30,840 {\an8}Home by 10:30. 1736 00:59:31,040 --> 00:59:32,090 {\an8}I was just going to say 1737 00:59:32,290 --> 00:59:34,070 {\an8}you look beautiful. 1738 00:59:36,780 --> 00:59:39,030 {\an8}Thank you, Daddy. I love you. 1739 00:59:40,280 --> 00:59:41,930 {\an8}Bye. 1740 00:59:42,130 --> 00:59:43,370 {\an8}Ay-ay-ay. 1741 00:59:45,870 --> 00:59:46,950 {\an8}[clears throat] 1742 00:59:48,410 --> 00:59:49,520 {\an8}Very sweet. 1743 00:59:49,720 --> 00:59:51,040 {\an8}Doesn't count. 1744 01:00:03,680 --> 01:00:06,330 {\an8}[♪ Jimmy Van Heusen: "Nancy (with the Laughing Face)"] 1745 01:00:06,530 --> 01:00:09,920 {\an8}♪ If I don't see her each day ♪ 1746 01:00:10,120 --> 01:00:11,170 {\an8}♪ I miss her ♪ 1747 01:00:11,370 --> 01:00:12,310 {\an8}Huh. 1748 01:00:13,810 --> 01:00:17,130 {\an8}♪ Gee, what a thrill ♪ 1749 01:00:17,330 --> 01:00:20,180 {\an8}♪ Each time I kiss her ♪ 1750 01:00:20,380 --> 01:00:21,640 {\an8}[chuckles] 1751 01:00:21,840 --> 01:00:25,080 {\an8}♪ Believe me, I got a case ♪ 1752 01:00:27,290 --> 01:00:28,870 {\an8}♪ On Nancy ♪ 1753 01:00:30,160 --> 01:00:31,830 {\an8}♪ With the laughing face ♪ 1754 01:00:34,380 --> 01:00:38,260 {\an8}♪ Do you ever hear mission bells ringing? ♪ 1755 01:00:39,670 --> 01:00:40,800 {\an8}♪ Well ♪ 1756 01:00:41,930 --> 01:00:44,720 {\an8}♪ She'll give you the very same glow ♪ 1757 01:00:47,180 --> 01:00:49,080 {\an8}♪ When she speaks ♪ 1758 01:00:49,280 --> 01:00:52,100 {\an8}♪ You would think it was singing ♪ 1759 01:00:54,690 --> 01:00:59,280 {\an8}♪ Just hear her say hello ♪ 1760 01:01:01,070 --> 01:01:02,910 {\an8}♪ I swear to goodness ♪ 1761 01:01:04,240 --> 01:01:06,620 {\an8}♪ You can't resist her ♪ 1762 01:01:08,580 --> 01:01:10,410 {\an8}♪ Sorry for you ♪ 1763 01:01:11,960 --> 01:01:15,080 {\an8}♪ She has no sister ♪ 1764 01:01:17,040 --> 01:01:19,710 {\an8}♪ No one could ever replace ♪ 1765 01:01:21,130 --> 01:01:23,840 {\an8}♪ My Nancy ♪ 1766 01:01:25,390 --> 01:01:27,720 {\an8}♪ With the laughing face ♪♪ 1767 01:01:33,060 --> 01:01:35,480 {\an8}[audience applauds]