1 00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:08,010 [audience laughing] 2 00:00:08,210 --> 00:00:09,180 [Midge] I just broke up with someone. 3 00:00:09,380 --> 00:00:10,760 [man] Paul Simon! 4 00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:12,100 [Midge] That was two tiny singer-songwriters ago. 5 00:00:12,300 --> 00:00:13,310 - Catch up! - [laughter] 6 00:00:13,510 --> 00:00:14,970 - [man 1] Prince! - [man 2] Hall & Oates! 7 00:00:15,170 --> 00:00:17,310 Oh. Now, stop. This was a woman. 8 00:00:17,510 --> 00:00:20,270 - [woman whoops] - Don't. - [laughter] 9 00:00:20,470 --> 00:00:22,770 And it was a real partnership. 10 00:00:22,970 --> 00:00:25,230 Lasted longer than any of my marriages combined. 11 00:00:25,430 --> 00:00:28,240 - [laughter] - And in its way, it was just like a marriage. 12 00:00:28,440 --> 00:00:30,320 It started with a contract, it ended with a lawsuit, 13 00:00:30,520 --> 00:00:32,200 - and we never had sex. - [laughter] 14 00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:35,700 Except once, there really isn't much to do in Pensacola. 15 00:00:35,900 --> 00:00:38,160 It really sucks to break up with me. 16 00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:41,370 No, seriously, my face is on billboards. 17 00:00:41,580 --> 00:00:43,080 You break up with a normal person, 18 00:00:43,290 --> 00:00:44,960 maybe you can't go back to your favorite restaurant. 19 00:00:45,160 --> 00:00:47,010 You break up with me, you can't use the highway. 20 00:00:47,210 --> 00:00:49,550 [laughter] 21 00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:51,760 She was a friend. 22 00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:57,100 We always fought over that word, "friend." 23 00:00:57,300 --> 00:00:59,390 But I dumped her and got a fifth dog. 24 00:00:59,590 --> 00:01:02,350 Still a bitch, but at least this one'll fetch my shoes. 25 00:01:02,550 --> 00:01:04,360 {\an8}[laughter, applause] 26 00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:06,360 {\an8}[♪ Elton John: "Susie (Dramas)"] 27 00:01:06,560 --> 00:01:07,780 {\an8}♪ I got frostbitten in the winter ♪ 28 00:01:07,980 --> 00:01:09,570 {\an8}♪ Ice skating on the river ♪ 29 00:01:09,770 --> 00:01:11,820 She's not gonna be happy. 30 00:01:12,020 --> 00:01:14,370 ♪ With my pretty little black-eyed girl ♪ 31 00:01:14,570 --> 00:01:18,120 ♪ She'd make your darn toes curl just to see her, yeah ♪ 32 00:01:18,320 --> 00:01:21,370 ♪ I got a fringe front on my buggy ♪ 33 00:01:21,570 --> 00:01:23,000 - [indistinct chatter] - ♪ I got a pretty little... 34 00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:24,250 Betty Botter bought some butter, 35 00:01:24,450 --> 00:01:25,420 but she said the butter's bitter. 36 00:01:25,620 --> 00:01:26,880 Betty Botter bought some butter, but she said 37 00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:28,670 the butter's bitter. Sounds bueno, boys. 38 00:01:28,870 --> 00:01:29,840 [conversing in Spanish] 39 00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:31,590 Steve Martin is my favorite. 40 00:01:31,790 --> 00:01:32,840 "Excuuuuse me!" 41 00:01:33,040 --> 00:01:35,680 George Carlin, with the seven dirty words? Really funny. 42 00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:38,510 Robin Williams, too. Like the Tasmanian Devil. 43 00:01:39,760 --> 00:01:40,890 Who the hell is this? 44 00:01:41,090 --> 00:01:41,940 No idea. 45 00:01:42,140 --> 00:01:44,560 {\an8}♪ Living with her funky family ♪ 46 00:01:44,760 --> 00:01:47,900 {\an8}♪ In a derelict old alley ♪ 47 00:01:48,100 --> 00:01:50,070 {\an8}♪ Down by the river... 48 00:01:50,270 --> 00:01:51,860 {\an8}Put 'em up. 49 00:01:52,060 --> 00:01:53,740 {\an8}♪ In the moonshine ♪ 50 00:01:53,940 --> 00:01:55,370 Fifty bucks she doesn't show. 51 00:01:55,570 --> 00:01:57,950 She doesn't show, fuck it. I'm mentioning Maisel. 52 00:01:58,150 --> 00:01:59,290 So fearless, dude. 53 00:01:59,490 --> 00:02:02,410 {\an8}♪ Well, she knows how to use me ♪ 54 00:02:02,610 --> 00:02:04,540 {\an8}♪ Pretty little black-eyed Susie... 55 00:02:04,740 --> 00:02:06,130 {\an8}[indistinct chatter] 56 00:02:06,330 --> 00:02:08,590 It's a veritable who's who of people behind the scenes 57 00:02:08,790 --> 00:02:10,710 in the entertainment industry gathering here 58 00:02:10,910 --> 00:02:12,380 to roast one of their own. 59 00:02:12,580 --> 00:02:15,090 {\an8}♪ Living with her funky family ♪ 60 00:02:15,290 --> 00:02:18,430 {\an8}♪ In a derelict old alley ♪ 61 00:02:18,630 --> 00:02:20,390 - ♪ Down by the river... - [whispers inaudibly] 62 00:02:20,590 --> 00:02:22,180 Move! 63 00:02:22,380 --> 00:02:25,020 ♪ In the moonshine ♪ 64 00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:31,940 - ♪ Well, she sure knows how to use me ♪ - [reporters clamoring] 65 00:02:32,140 --> 00:02:34,150 ♪ Pretty little black-eyed Susie ♪ 66 00:02:34,350 --> 00:02:35,530 It's the one shot we came here to get. 67 00:02:35,730 --> 00:02:36,780 Great job, guys. 68 00:02:36,980 --> 00:02:39,530 [indistinct chatter] 69 00:02:39,730 --> 00:02:41,870 [cheering, whooping] 70 00:02:42,070 --> 00:02:44,910 [lively chatter] 71 00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:48,590 ♪ In a derelict old alley ♪ 72 00:02:48,790 --> 00:02:50,340 ♪ Down by the river ♪ 73 00:02:50,540 --> 00:02:52,090 ♪ Where we share a little loving ♪ 74 00:02:52,290 --> 00:02:53,880 ♪ In the moonshine ♪♪ 75 00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:55,760 [Stewart] So, we have some unfortunate news, everyone. 76 00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:58,920 - Susie has arrived. - [cheering, whooping] 77 00:03:00,260 --> 00:03:03,060 - Hello, Susie. - This is fucking dumb. 78 00:03:03,260 --> 00:03:05,890 - [laughter] - Good to see you, too. 79 00:03:06,090 --> 00:03:08,020 Now, you all know me and wish you were me. 80 00:03:08,220 --> 00:03:09,270 I'm Stewart Jones, 81 00:03:09,470 --> 00:03:11,320 your unwilling emcee for this evening. 82 00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:14,690 So, when we first approached Susie Myerson about a roast, 83 00:03:14,890 --> 00:03:17,030 she instructed us to position our heads in a place 84 00:03:17,230 --> 00:03:19,570 that seemed ill-advised, claustrophobic, 85 00:03:19,770 --> 00:03:20,870 and biologically impossible. 86 00:03:21,070 --> 00:03:22,950 - [laughter] - Try harder. I believe in you. 87 00:03:23,150 --> 00:03:24,540 Then we offered to make it 88 00:03:24,740 --> 00:03:26,330 a testimonial dinner, and she replied, 89 00:03:26,530 --> 00:03:28,960 "No, thanks, those are for old hags with shriveled pussies." 90 00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:31,170 - Enjoy the veal. - [laughter] 91 00:03:31,370 --> 00:03:32,300 So, we negotiated with her, 92 00:03:32,500 --> 00:03:33,800 and if you've never done that before, 93 00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:35,920 I highly don't recommend it. 94 00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:39,390 And she agreed to a "Testi-Roastial." 95 00:03:39,590 --> 00:03:41,010 Trips off the tongue, huh? 96 00:03:41,210 --> 00:03:43,010 So, here she is, an hour late 97 00:03:43,210 --> 00:03:45,100 and smelling like Cheech and Chong. 98 00:03:45,300 --> 00:03:48,560 Hell, she's burned more grass than the Santa Ana winds. 99 00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:50,650 If only she'd made as much money for her clients 100 00:03:50,850 --> 00:03:52,480 as she has for Visine and Doritos. 101 00:03:52,680 --> 00:03:54,150 - Her big break came... - Bring me some food. 102 00:03:54,350 --> 00:03:55,900 ...when she discovered the comedian 103 00:03:56,100 --> 00:03:58,530 whose name we shall not utter tonight 104 00:03:58,730 --> 00:04:03,120 - at the long-defunct Gaslight Café on MacDougal. - [scattered groaning] 105 00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:04,640 [conversing in Spanish] I need a plate, guys. 106 00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:06,790 Heavy on the meat, light on the vegetables. 107 00:04:06,990 --> 00:04:08,520 Dinner service is over. 108 00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:10,830 I need a plate. Now. 109 00:04:11,750 --> 00:04:13,830 Who's the asshole who wants dinner after dinner? 110 00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:15,380 Any of you negotiating with Susie 111 00:04:15,580 --> 00:04:17,130 on the other side of a telephone, 112 00:04:17,330 --> 00:04:18,720 or-- God forbid-- in person, 113 00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:20,470 knows she's one of the consummate dealmakers 114 00:04:20,670 --> 00:04:21,760 in the business. 115 00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:24,970 And most of you know about that day in 1970. 116 00:04:25,170 --> 00:04:26,680 - [cheering] - Greatest goddamn day ever. 117 00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:29,440 The day of the legendary triple crown. 118 00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:31,600 [♪ Three Dog Night: "Mama Told Me (Not to Come)"] 119 00:04:31,810 --> 00:04:33,190 Susie had a movie script. 120 00:04:33,390 --> 00:04:35,860 It was controversial and no one in town wanted to touch it. 121 00:04:36,060 --> 00:04:37,860 So, Sol, this film, 122 00:04:38,060 --> 00:04:40,280 it's gonna be shot on locations all over the city-- 123 00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:42,240 Manhattan, Queens, Brooklyn. 124 00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:43,700 Friedkin's got a real vision for it. 125 00:04:43,900 --> 00:04:44,780 I hear he's a hothead. 126 00:04:44,980 --> 00:04:46,120 Yeah, well, maybe you need a hothead 127 00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:47,700 for something like The French Connection. 128 00:04:47,900 --> 00:04:49,750 - Tee off, Tommy. - Paul Newman passed. 129 00:04:49,950 --> 00:04:51,500 Steve McQueen passed. James Caan passed. 130 00:04:51,700 --> 00:04:53,040 We got Gene Hackman. 131 00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:54,790 You're gonna argue with Gene Hackman? 132 00:04:54,990 --> 00:04:56,500 He's fucking brilliant. It's a slam dunk. 133 00:04:56,700 --> 00:04:58,300 - Sol, come on. - This is not going to happen. 134 00:04:58,500 --> 00:04:59,630 Okay? Now, stop. 135 00:04:59,830 --> 00:05:01,220 Just tee off, Tommy. 136 00:05:01,420 --> 00:05:03,050 [Stewart] Most would give up to fight another day, 137 00:05:03,250 --> 00:05:04,470 but not Susie. 138 00:05:04,670 --> 00:05:07,180 No fucking way is she leaving empty-handed. 139 00:05:07,380 --> 00:05:08,850 After all, she paid for parking. 140 00:05:09,050 --> 00:05:10,850 No. No way. I like the Dodgers. 141 00:05:11,050 --> 00:05:12,480 I got 'em for the pennant and the series. 142 00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:14,060 Hey, Sol, what do you think? 143 00:05:14,260 --> 00:05:15,360 [Stewart] To this day, 144 00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:16,520 no one knows what she said to him. 145 00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:17,780 What the hell? 146 00:05:17,980 --> 00:05:19,990 Whether it was just her passion for the screenplay, 147 00:05:20,190 --> 00:05:21,820 or a promise to control the budget, 148 00:05:22,020 --> 00:05:23,280 or, hell, she could've had pictures of him 149 00:05:23,480 --> 00:05:24,700 rogering a donkey or something. 150 00:05:24,900 --> 00:05:27,240 Who knows? She had eyes everywhere. 151 00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:29,250 - Whatever she said... - The picture's a go. 152 00:05:29,450 --> 00:05:30,870 - [Tommy] What? - Close the deal by the end of day. 153 00:05:31,070 --> 00:05:32,290 Susie will give you the terms. 154 00:05:32,490 --> 00:05:33,750 - Whatever you need. - But, Sol... 155 00:05:33,950 --> 00:05:34,880 Just make it happen. 156 00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:37,130 ...Boom, deal one, done. 157 00:05:37,330 --> 00:05:39,460 But she ain't finished. 158 00:05:39,660 --> 00:05:42,590 ♪ That ain't the way to have fun, son... 159 00:05:42,790 --> 00:05:44,510 Now, the foursome in front of them is going slow, 160 00:05:44,710 --> 00:05:46,140 so Susie and her guys bump into 'em. 161 00:05:46,340 --> 00:05:48,850 One of them is the guy who just took over programming for CBS. 162 00:05:49,050 --> 00:05:52,270 Cameron! Hey there. Congrats on the shiny new job. 163 00:05:52,470 --> 00:05:53,650 Thank you, Susie. 164 00:05:53,850 --> 00:05:56,310 Like a showbiz cobra, she strikes immediately. 165 00:05:56,510 --> 00:05:58,730 Says she has a project, wants him to have first crack. 166 00:05:58,930 --> 00:06:01,070 It's a half-hour comedy, it's hysterical, 167 00:06:01,270 --> 00:06:02,530 and it'll launch your Thursday nights. 168 00:06:02,730 --> 00:06:04,200 Susie, please, we're trying to relax. 169 00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:05,780 Call my office on Monday. 170 00:06:05,980 --> 00:06:07,280 [Stewart] She's not waiting for Monday. 171 00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:09,240 I got two clients already attached. 172 00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:12,620 Liz Montgomery and Andy Griffith both signed to do it, 173 00:06:12,820 --> 00:06:15,040 - and to do it at CBS. - Great pairing. What's the premise? 174 00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:16,540 - Get this. - [Stewart] Get this, 175 00:06:16,740 --> 00:06:17,880 there was no premise. 176 00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:19,340 She was making it up on the spot. 177 00:06:19,540 --> 00:06:21,380 There's a husband and wife, both shrinks. 178 00:06:21,580 --> 00:06:24,550 Now, she's big city, sharp, Ivy League degree. 179 00:06:24,750 --> 00:06:26,930 He's folksy, homespun, comes from the Deep South. 180 00:06:27,130 --> 00:06:30,560 - Their patients keep dumping one to go to the other. - [chuckles] I love that. 181 00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:32,310 [Stewart] So, what does she do on the fly? 182 00:06:32,510 --> 00:06:34,060 She creates That's Our Time. 183 00:06:34,260 --> 00:06:35,440 He picks it up on the spot, 184 00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:37,900 and the fucking thing runs seven years. 185 00:06:38,100 --> 00:06:39,650 - They got a couple of kids... - And here's the thing. 186 00:06:39,850 --> 00:06:42,240 Those stars she mentioned, they weren't even her clients. 187 00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:44,570 Not until they found out about the sitcom she created 188 00:06:44,770 --> 00:06:46,700 and got greenlit for them to star in. 189 00:06:46,900 --> 00:06:48,200 They signed with her immediately. 190 00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:49,490 - ...vacuuming their house, too. - [laughs] 191 00:06:49,690 --> 00:06:51,120 - Vacuuming? I love it. - Yeah. 192 00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:53,750 Boom! Deal two, done. 193 00:06:53,950 --> 00:06:56,210 But she still had 40 minutes left on that parking. 194 00:06:56,410 --> 00:06:58,630 Susie says she has to hit the head. 195 00:06:58,830 --> 00:07:01,090 - What else? What else? - Uh, there's this guy from a big record label. 196 00:07:01,290 --> 00:07:03,720 Turns out she's got every caddy at the club on her payroll, 197 00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:05,800 and they fill her in on what they know 198 00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:07,140 from every hole on the course. 199 00:07:07,340 --> 00:07:08,800 Okay. Good job, guys. 200 00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:10,760 She finds out there's a guy there from A&M records. 201 00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:12,850 She finds him pronto. 202 00:07:13,050 --> 00:07:14,640 She tells the guy there's a couple of songwriters 203 00:07:14,840 --> 00:07:16,480 out of London, they wrote this musical, 204 00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:18,350 and they want to make an album to get some attention. 205 00:07:18,550 --> 00:07:19,900 It's the whole story, soup to nuts, 206 00:07:20,100 --> 00:07:21,270 all the way through the crucifixion. 207 00:07:21,470 --> 00:07:23,690 - The 39 lashes and everything. - Wild. 208 00:07:23,890 --> 00:07:26,030 Yeah, the songs are fucking catchy. 209 00:07:26,230 --> 00:07:29,160 - You hear those demos, you'll want to make the album. - What's their names? 210 00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:30,620 And just like that, 211 00:07:30,820 --> 00:07:32,830 she breaks Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber. 212 00:07:33,030 --> 00:07:34,330 And what does the world get? 213 00:07:34,530 --> 00:07:36,370 [♪ Orchestra: "Overture (Jesus Christ Superstar)"] 214 00:07:36,570 --> 00:07:39,210 Boom! The triple crown. 215 00:07:39,410 --> 00:07:41,830 - You want some blow? - No, I'm good. 216 00:07:43,330 --> 00:07:45,130 This next guest needs no introduction, 217 00:07:45,330 --> 00:07:48,180 which is good, because I forgot his fucking name. 218 00:07:48,380 --> 00:07:49,970 - [laughter] - Oh, yeah, Aaron Lebowitz. 219 00:07:50,170 --> 00:07:51,970 Come on up here, Aaron. 220 00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:56,180 [scattered shouting] 221 00:07:56,380 --> 00:07:57,480 Hello, everybody. 222 00:07:57,680 --> 00:07:59,560 As most of you know, I'm a manager, 223 00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:01,020 and I've been competing with Susie 224 00:08:01,220 --> 00:08:02,690 for more years than I can count. 225 00:08:02,890 --> 00:08:03,980 And I have to admit, 226 00:08:04,180 --> 00:08:05,990 there's nobody in this business like Susie. 227 00:08:06,190 --> 00:08:07,990 Oh, sorry, I misread that. 228 00:08:08,190 --> 00:08:10,530 It's "nobody in this business likes Susie." 229 00:08:10,730 --> 00:08:12,990 - [laughter] - I mean, really, what is there to say 230 00:08:13,190 --> 00:08:15,790 about Susie Myerson that hasn't been said about Pol Pot? 231 00:08:15,990 --> 00:08:18,290 - [laughter] - Susie's like anybody else, really. 232 00:08:18,490 --> 00:08:21,330 She has her bad side and her good side. 233 00:08:21,530 --> 00:08:23,290 There's the ruthlessness, the vindictiveness, 234 00:08:23,490 --> 00:08:25,670 the profane bile that spews from her mouth 235 00:08:25,870 --> 00:08:27,050 like Satan's lava. 236 00:08:27,250 --> 00:08:30,130 - Then, on the bad side... - [laughter] 237 00:08:30,340 --> 00:08:31,720 She was mentored by my one-time boss, 238 00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:33,760 the late, great Harry Drake. 239 00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:35,220 [audience groaning] 240 00:08:35,420 --> 00:08:37,680 Yeah, that's about the response I expected. 241 00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:39,850 When Harry died, he had so many knives in his back, 242 00:08:40,050 --> 00:08:42,230 they had to bury him facedown. 243 00:08:42,430 --> 00:08:46,400 But Harry truly respected Susie, even before she was somebody. 244 00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:48,240 While they had their ups and downs, 245 00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:50,820 Susie stayed loyal when others didn't. 246 00:08:51,020 --> 00:08:53,830 {\an8}Everybody knows the old man's losing it. 247 00:08:54,030 --> 00:08:55,740 {\an8}Clients are dropping him left and right. 248 00:08:55,940 --> 00:08:57,540 {\an8}Spencer Tracy's the latest. 249 00:08:57,740 --> 00:08:59,460 Not that anyone gives a shit about Spencer Tracy. 250 00:08:59,660 --> 00:09:00,790 You want another drink? 251 00:09:00,990 --> 00:09:02,580 - You're paying. - Two more. 252 00:09:02,780 --> 00:09:04,380 I wanted in on Dr. Strangelove. 253 00:09:04,580 --> 00:09:07,380 Harry tells me they're giving it to George C. Scott. 254 00:09:07,580 --> 00:09:09,340 George is good, but fuck it, I'm better. 255 00:09:09,540 --> 00:09:11,010 - Yup. - What does Harry do for me, anyway? 256 00:09:11,210 --> 00:09:12,670 Except take his cut. 257 00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:16,560 I want you to represent me. 258 00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:18,270 No more losing parts to George 259 00:09:18,470 --> 00:09:20,850 or Tony Perkins or fucking Richard Burton. 260 00:09:21,050 --> 00:09:22,770 In two years' time, here's what I want. 261 00:09:22,970 --> 00:09:25,610 A penthouse with a terrace overlooking the park. 262 00:09:25,810 --> 00:09:28,030 A closet full of Sy Devore suits. 263 00:09:28,230 --> 00:09:29,900 Porsche 911 that I can drive 264 00:09:30,100 --> 00:09:31,990 to my beachfront house in the Hamptons. 265 00:09:32,190 --> 00:09:33,530 You with me? 266 00:09:33,730 --> 00:09:35,370 Hey, what was that last film of yours, Taylor? 267 00:09:35,570 --> 00:09:36,620 Daylight Fades? 268 00:09:36,820 --> 00:09:38,160 Yeah. It did okay. 269 00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:39,830 No, it didn't. And the one before that? 270 00:09:40,030 --> 00:09:42,420 - The Earth Turns. - So did my stomach when I saw it. 271 00:09:42,620 --> 00:09:45,750 - Hey! - What did Harry Drake do for you, Taylor? 272 00:09:45,950 --> 00:09:47,630 He took a no-talent, run-of-the-mill 273 00:09:47,830 --> 00:09:50,720 D-list hack actor who was number nine on the call sheet 274 00:09:50,920 --> 00:09:52,380 of a fucking soap opera, 275 00:09:52,580 --> 00:09:53,720 got him jobs he didn't earn, 276 00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:56,220 didn't deserve and couldn't fucking pull off. 277 00:09:56,420 --> 00:09:58,140 - Hey, what the fuck? - You sit there, 278 00:09:58,340 --> 00:10:00,520 not giving a shit about Spencer Tracy. 279 00:10:00,720 --> 00:10:02,890 You compare yourself to actors that are way out of your league, 280 00:10:03,090 --> 00:10:05,230 and you think I'd stoop so low as to work with you 281 00:10:05,430 --> 00:10:07,190 and fuck over Harry Drake to boot? 282 00:10:07,390 --> 00:10:09,730 Well, I hope you got something to fall back on, asshole, 283 00:10:09,930 --> 00:10:11,860 'cause the only house in the Hamptons you're gonna see 284 00:10:12,060 --> 00:10:13,200 is the one with the pool you're cleaning, 285 00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:14,820 and the only terrace you're gonna know 286 00:10:15,020 --> 00:10:16,780 is the one you jump off of. 287 00:10:19,610 --> 00:10:22,080 You pay for the drinks, you talentless shit. 288 00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:24,540 [Aaron] Yeah, she had Harry's back. 289 00:10:24,740 --> 00:10:27,040 - [Susie] Dumb fuck. - [scoffs] 290 00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:28,960 And at the end, Harry wound up handing 291 00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:30,670 his biggest money earners over to her, 292 00:10:30,870 --> 00:10:32,050 the ones who stayed, 293 00:10:32,250 --> 00:10:35,010 bypassing his own associates in the doing. 294 00:10:35,210 --> 00:10:37,050 I was one of those associates. 295 00:10:37,250 --> 00:10:39,100 I liked this story till you made it about you. 296 00:10:39,300 --> 00:10:40,770 - [laughter] - [Carmine] Wait a minute, wait a minute. 297 00:10:40,970 --> 00:10:42,310 How the hell did that happen? 298 00:10:42,510 --> 00:10:44,600 Seriously, how the hell did Susie end up with those clients? 299 00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:46,020 Kicked her into the stratosphere. 300 00:10:46,220 --> 00:10:47,190 It cemented her legend. 301 00:10:47,390 --> 00:10:48,270 I know what happened. 302 00:10:48,470 --> 00:10:49,770 I'll tell you what happened. 303 00:10:49,970 --> 00:10:51,440 The minute Harry was hospitalized, 304 00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:53,320 Susie weaseled her way into his room. 305 00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:55,110 Brought forged documents over 306 00:10:55,310 --> 00:10:56,610 and forced the old man to sign 'em. 307 00:10:56,810 --> 00:10:58,620 Wakey, wakey, Harry. You got three more to sign, 308 00:10:58,820 --> 00:11:00,240 then you can shuffle off to Buffalo. 309 00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:01,790 [Aaron] She didn't even let his family in... 310 00:11:01,990 --> 00:11:04,080 - his daughter, no one. - Dad. - Grandpa. 311 00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:05,750 - Is that Ruth? - No. Keep signing. 312 00:11:05,950 --> 00:11:07,120 - Dad, let us in, please. - [whistles] 313 00:11:07,330 --> 00:11:09,540 - Keep signing, Harry. - That's my father. 314 00:11:09,740 --> 00:11:11,340 No, no, no, no. That's not what I heard. 315 00:11:11,540 --> 00:11:12,710 - What did you hear? - The daughter was there 316 00:11:12,910 --> 00:11:13,920 but for a different reason. 317 00:11:14,120 --> 00:11:15,510 Susie got to the daughter, 318 00:11:15,710 --> 00:11:17,930 made a deal, and together, they bamboozled Harry 319 00:11:18,130 --> 00:11:19,970 - into signing over his clients. - Good job, Dad. 320 00:11:20,170 --> 00:11:22,350 - All done. - The daughter got paid in cash 321 00:11:22,550 --> 00:11:24,390 - right there in the room. - [Ray] Bullshit, guys. 322 00:11:24,590 --> 00:11:25,770 Come on. 323 00:11:25,970 --> 00:11:27,690 My big sister was a nurse at Lenox Hill. 324 00:11:27,890 --> 00:11:29,890 She was on duty that night. She saw it all. 325 00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:32,360 Hello, Harry. 326 00:11:32,560 --> 00:11:34,530 Just checking in here. Everything good? 327 00:11:34,730 --> 00:11:36,780 Very good. Thank you, Linda. 328 00:11:36,980 --> 00:11:38,990 - You're sweet. - So are you. 329 00:11:39,190 --> 00:11:40,780 Get some rest. 330 00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:43,740 - She's cute. - Oh, stop. 331 00:11:43,950 --> 00:11:45,370 [door closes] 332 00:11:45,570 --> 00:11:48,250 I think she got something happening for me down there. 333 00:11:48,450 --> 00:11:49,880 Check and see? 334 00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:52,040 You want me to see if you have an erection? You are sick. 335 00:11:52,250 --> 00:11:55,010 - You're a sick man. - Yup, I'm sick. 336 00:11:55,210 --> 00:11:56,260 I am sick. 337 00:11:56,460 --> 00:11:58,720 Hey, stop that. Okay? You promised. 338 00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:01,470 [Ray] Most of his employees had abandoned ship. 339 00:12:01,670 --> 00:12:02,970 The ones that stayed were stealing 340 00:12:03,170 --> 00:12:04,600 the goddamn paintings off the walls. 341 00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:06,430 Harry, where's your daughter? Where's Ruth? 342 00:12:06,630 --> 00:12:08,600 I don't know. She's, uh... 343 00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:11,190 I don't know. 344 00:12:11,390 --> 00:12:14,070 Hey, have you learned to play golf yet? 345 00:12:14,270 --> 00:12:15,280 I'm not learning to play golf. 346 00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:16,490 It's where deals get made. 347 00:12:16,690 --> 00:12:17,900 You have to golf. 348 00:12:18,100 --> 00:12:20,030 - I don't know. - I'm gonna leave you my clubs. 349 00:12:20,230 --> 00:12:21,990 - I don't want your clubs. - Golf with them, 350 00:12:22,190 --> 00:12:23,830 beat someone with them, I don't care. 351 00:12:24,030 --> 00:12:25,660 You're taking my clubs. 352 00:12:25,860 --> 00:12:27,750 - Hi, Harry. - Oh, hello. 353 00:12:27,950 --> 00:12:29,960 Oh, goody, we just got that thing deflated. 354 00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:32,130 [laughs softly] 355 00:12:32,330 --> 00:12:34,250 [coughing] 356 00:12:39,630 --> 00:12:40,930 [projector whirring] 357 00:12:41,130 --> 00:12:42,090 [Harry] They never beat the silents. 358 00:12:42,300 --> 00:12:43,470 [Susie] Oh, now, come on. 359 00:12:43,670 --> 00:12:45,100 [Harry] No. Nobody beat Keaton. Not at his peak. 360 00:12:45,300 --> 00:12:47,770 Hell, he was 25 when he made this. 361 00:12:47,970 --> 00:12:48,980 He was a genius. 362 00:12:49,180 --> 00:12:51,020 This is funny, but there's funnier stuff. 363 00:12:51,220 --> 00:12:53,360 I'm on my deathbed, and you're arguing with me? 364 00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:55,770 - This is not your deathbed. - Susie... 365 00:12:56,810 --> 00:12:58,780 - I'm dying. - Yeah, I know that. 366 00:12:58,980 --> 00:13:00,360 I meant I'm gonna move you over to another bed 367 00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:01,530 when you're about to croak. 368 00:13:01,730 --> 00:13:02,910 This one's all gross and sweaty. 369 00:13:03,110 --> 00:13:04,740 [chuckles] 370 00:13:06,820 --> 00:13:08,620 Harry, you're the only one who noticed me 371 00:13:08,820 --> 00:13:10,660 when no one else did. 372 00:13:10,870 --> 00:13:11,870 Thank you for that. 373 00:13:12,070 --> 00:13:14,250 Listen... 374 00:13:14,450 --> 00:13:16,750 I'm signing some clients over to you. 375 00:13:16,950 --> 00:13:18,960 The big ones who stayed: Jerry, Mel, 376 00:13:19,170 --> 00:13:21,720 - Peter, Lucy. - Harry, no. 377 00:13:21,920 --> 00:13:23,800 I've discussed it with them, and they're good to go. 378 00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:26,560 Just keep 'em on a path, like you did with Midge. 379 00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:29,100 Keep 'em focused. Keep 'em happy. 380 00:13:29,300 --> 00:13:30,520 But why? Why me? 381 00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:32,850 You're the only one I trust. 382 00:13:33,890 --> 00:13:35,820 - No. No. - The lawyers are into it. 383 00:13:36,020 --> 00:13:37,230 You can do it. 384 00:13:37,430 --> 00:13:39,190 You can do it, Susie. 385 00:13:40,230 --> 00:13:42,900 We're, uh, missing the movie. 386 00:13:44,740 --> 00:13:46,610 We're missing the movie. 387 00:13:48,780 --> 00:13:51,210 [TV playing faintly] 388 00:13:51,410 --> 00:13:53,500 [Linda] He's comfortable. 389 00:13:59,250 --> 00:14:00,920 Ruth? 390 00:14:06,380 --> 00:14:08,050 I'm here, Dad. 391 00:14:15,100 --> 00:14:16,850 [Susie sighs] 392 00:14:18,350 --> 00:14:19,900 - Shit. - Shit. 393 00:14:20,100 --> 00:14:21,320 Sad. 394 00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:23,450 It's not what I heard. 395 00:14:23,650 --> 00:14:25,160 Okay, let me bring up a very funny man, 396 00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:27,490 the funniest man in the room, which is saying nothing. 397 00:14:27,690 --> 00:14:29,610 - [laughter, cheering] - Ray Ortiz! 398 00:14:32,030 --> 00:14:35,170 Thank you, and hello, Susie. 399 00:14:35,370 --> 00:14:36,880 You know, the only reason Susie's here right now 400 00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:38,130 is because she heard there are two-to-one odds 401 00:14:38,330 --> 00:14:40,340 - she'd even show up. - [laughter] 402 00:14:40,540 --> 00:14:41,920 I'm not saying she has a gambling problem, 403 00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:43,170 but she made a call to her bookie 404 00:14:43,370 --> 00:14:44,430 halfway through Field of Dreams. 405 00:14:44,630 --> 00:14:45,970 [laughter] 406 00:14:46,170 --> 00:14:47,180 I mean, when she plays solitaire, 407 00:14:47,380 --> 00:14:49,100 - she bets against herself. - [laughter] 408 00:14:49,300 --> 00:14:51,720 She once tried to go double or nothing at an IRS audit. 409 00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:53,350 [laughter] 410 00:14:53,550 --> 00:14:54,810 When I introduced Susie to my twin daughters, 411 00:14:55,010 --> 00:14:56,690 she said, "Two eights? Split 'em!" 412 00:14:56,890 --> 00:14:57,860 [laughter] 413 00:14:58,060 --> 00:14:59,520 And then there's the boys. 414 00:14:59,720 --> 00:15:02,440 You know what I mean, "the boys," huh? 415 00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:04,360 And where there's the boys, there's Susie, 416 00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:06,740 begging them to let her keep her pinky finger one more day. 417 00:15:06,940 --> 00:15:08,320 [laughter] 418 00:15:08,520 --> 00:15:10,160 But really, these are just rumors. 419 00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:11,700 [Carmine] Rumors? Ha! 420 00:15:11,900 --> 00:15:14,080 The mob had their hands in her pockets since day one, 421 00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:15,750 just like Harry Drake, just like all of 'em. 422 00:15:15,950 --> 00:15:17,120 Yeah, like I was gonna say that to the room. 423 00:15:17,320 --> 00:15:18,460 I prefer being alive. 424 00:15:18,660 --> 00:15:20,170 - [chuckles] - But Susie leaned into it, 425 00:15:20,370 --> 00:15:21,500 more than others. 426 00:15:21,700 --> 00:15:23,260 It started with that thing with Dinah Rutledge. 427 00:15:23,460 --> 00:15:25,170 - You all know her, right? - Mm-hmm. Sure. - D-Ruttles. 428 00:15:25,370 --> 00:15:27,590 - Susie's number two. - She runs the New York branch. 429 00:15:27,790 --> 00:15:29,930 - She runs New York, period. She's tough as Susie. - I'll say. 430 00:15:30,130 --> 00:15:33,060 It was 1961, '62, that's when Susie went all in, 431 00:15:33,260 --> 00:15:34,550 made those guys her muscle. 432 00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:37,520 Hey, get me in at the Copa tonight. 433 00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:40,060 In the way back, not like last time. 434 00:15:40,260 --> 00:15:41,480 I looked like an asshole 435 00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:42,980 walking out in the middle of that guy's act. 436 00:15:43,180 --> 00:15:44,530 And let's start rolling calls. 437 00:15:44,730 --> 00:15:46,820 - Guys from William Morris first. - Yup. 438 00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:49,860 - You okay? - Yeah. 439 00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:52,280 Dinah. 440 00:15:52,490 --> 00:15:54,410 Ow. 441 00:15:54,610 --> 00:15:56,620 What the fuck? How did this happen? 442 00:15:56,820 --> 00:15:58,750 And do not tell me it was a fucking doorknob. 443 00:15:58,950 --> 00:16:00,210 It was Ronald. 444 00:16:00,410 --> 00:16:02,170 He got drunk, he got mad, he got jealous. 445 00:16:02,370 --> 00:16:04,000 - Dinah. - I kicked him out. We're done. 446 00:16:04,210 --> 00:16:05,630 You bet your ass you're done. 447 00:16:07,250 --> 00:16:08,800 Look, you are gonna be a manager one day, 448 00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:10,590 so I got to keep you in one piece. 449 00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:12,600 But I'll make you a deal, okay? 450 00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:14,270 From here on, I get prior approval 451 00:16:14,470 --> 00:16:15,770 over any guy you date. 452 00:16:15,970 --> 00:16:17,690 Stop it, it hurts to smile. 453 00:16:17,890 --> 00:16:20,020 No, he's got to come in here, fill out a questionnaire. 454 00:16:20,220 --> 00:16:22,440 It'll be quite lengthy, 50, 60 pages. 455 00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:24,280 And then I want to see him in a bathing suit. 456 00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:26,360 A tight one. I want you to see what you're getting. 457 00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:28,200 [laughs] Whatever you say, boss. 458 00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:29,860 Okay, go home. Rest. 459 00:16:30,060 --> 00:16:31,870 Take a taxi, not the subway. 460 00:16:32,070 --> 00:16:33,240 Thanks. 461 00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:35,620 And I'm sending over a massive amount of Zabar's. 462 00:16:35,820 --> 00:16:37,870 Lots of chicken soup and babka. 463 00:16:38,070 --> 00:16:40,210 - And candied fruit? - And candied fruit. 464 00:16:40,410 --> 00:16:42,460 Now go. I'll see you tomorrow. 465 00:16:42,660 --> 00:16:44,420 [Carmine] Yeah, you think that was the end of it? 466 00:16:44,620 --> 00:16:46,170 - Hell no. - [door opens] 467 00:16:46,370 --> 00:16:47,670 [♪ Dean Martin: "Ain't That a Kick in the Head"] 468 00:16:47,870 --> 00:16:50,340 - Now I need a favor. - Sure. What is it? 469 00:16:50,540 --> 00:16:51,720 ♪ How lucky can one guy be... 470 00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:53,300 - [Ronald] Yeah? - Your name Ronald? 471 00:16:53,500 --> 00:16:55,430 - Yeah. Who the fuck are you? - Who the fuck are we? 472 00:16:55,630 --> 00:16:57,220 We're friends of Susie Myerson. 473 00:16:57,420 --> 00:16:59,180 - ♪ Like the fella once said ♪ - [locks door] 474 00:16:59,390 --> 00:17:01,520 - ♪ Ain't that a kick in the head... - [Ronald] No! No! 475 00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:04,230 - They were old-school, those guys. Thorough. - [clattering] 476 00:17:04,430 --> 00:17:06,730 And they still own a piece of every client Susie has. 477 00:17:06,930 --> 00:17:08,610 [Ronald grunting] 478 00:17:08,810 --> 00:17:10,740 Every client except Maisel. 479 00:17:10,940 --> 00:17:12,280 [Aaron] Yeah, how'd that happen? 480 00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:13,370 You said they were there from the start. 481 00:17:13,570 --> 00:17:14,870 - Yeah, why not Maisel? - Mm-hmm. 482 00:17:15,070 --> 00:17:16,540 I know, and I'm gonna tell you 483 00:17:16,740 --> 00:17:18,040 right after I take a piss. 484 00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:19,710 - [overlapping complaints] - Oh, Jesus Christ, Carmine. 485 00:17:19,910 --> 00:17:20,960 Carmine, finish the story. 486 00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:22,210 [Stewart] Let's bring up our next speaker. 487 00:17:22,410 --> 00:17:23,880 You know him. You're jealous of him. 488 00:17:24,080 --> 00:17:27,170 He's an Oscar-nominated producer, three times over, 489 00:17:27,370 --> 00:17:30,130 an Emmy award-winning television genius. 490 00:17:30,330 --> 00:17:33,140 Legendary executive producer of The Gordon Ford Show, 491 00:17:33,340 --> 00:17:36,510 - Mike Carr! - [whooping, cheering] 492 00:17:40,970 --> 00:17:42,310 Hello, all. 493 00:17:42,510 --> 00:17:44,190 - Hello, Susie. - Mm-hmm. 494 00:17:44,390 --> 00:17:45,900 I still owe you that lunch, don't I? 495 00:17:46,100 --> 00:17:48,360 - I'll take the cash equivalent. - [laughter] 496 00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:50,690 So, who is Susie Myerson? 497 00:17:50,900 --> 00:17:52,200 She's the only person in America 498 00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:54,280 whose life was made better by Arthur 2. 499 00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:55,950 [laughter] 500 00:17:56,150 --> 00:17:57,620 She's the only woman who ever told Tom Cruise 501 00:17:57,820 --> 00:18:00,620 - that he's "unfuckably short." - [laughter] 502 00:18:00,820 --> 00:18:03,120 And she's the only person I know who would get into 503 00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:04,960 a screaming fight with Sidney Lumet 504 00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:06,790 at Anne Bancroft's birthday party. 505 00:18:06,990 --> 00:18:08,590 [laughter] 506 00:18:08,790 --> 00:18:10,130 Susie and I met on Gordon Ford. 507 00:18:10,330 --> 00:18:12,720 And just a quick side note about someone I worked with closely 508 00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:14,180 for a number of years there. 509 00:18:14,380 --> 00:18:17,640 It is the ten-year anniversary of the passing 510 00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:21,930 of my old boss and mentor at Gordon Ford, George Toledano. 511 00:18:22,130 --> 00:18:23,770 A lot of you knew him. 512 00:18:23,970 --> 00:18:25,150 A lot of you venerated him. 513 00:18:25,350 --> 00:18:27,980 He was a good man who never really got his due, 514 00:18:28,180 --> 00:18:29,400 and I miss him every single day. 515 00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:30,610 [Aaron] Bull. Shit. 516 00:18:30,810 --> 00:18:32,530 Mikey hated George with a passion. 517 00:18:32,730 --> 00:18:34,030 But George was Gordon's guy. 518 00:18:34,230 --> 00:18:35,360 Georgie made Gordon. 519 00:18:35,560 --> 00:18:36,740 Hell, when George found him, 520 00:18:36,940 --> 00:18:38,410 Gordon was doing traffic and weather 521 00:18:38,610 --> 00:18:40,200 - in some bumfuck town. - [laughter] 522 00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:41,700 - His sidekick was a chicken. - Mr. Cock-a-doodle-doo. 523 00:18:41,900 --> 00:18:43,080 That's not even a chicken sound. 524 00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:45,210 - That's how lame it was. - [laughter] 525 00:18:45,410 --> 00:18:48,210 But George saw something in him, put him on the fast track. 526 00:18:48,410 --> 00:18:50,000 Hell, everyone thought the only way George 527 00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:51,710 would leave Gordon's side was in a coffin. 528 00:18:51,910 --> 00:18:53,970 - [Stewart] So, what happened? - Susie happened. 529 00:18:54,170 --> 00:18:55,550 - Oh, yeah. - What? - I know this story. 530 00:18:55,750 --> 00:18:57,720 - I do, too. - Okay, but I'm telling it. 531 00:18:57,920 --> 00:18:59,640 Mike was the talent booker. 532 00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:02,220 He and Susie started getting all buddy-buddy. 533 00:19:02,420 --> 00:19:05,640 Another odd couple, like her and Harry. 534 00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:07,440 [Midge] No, you know how you say a word too many times, 535 00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:08,980 it stops sounding like a word? 536 00:19:09,180 --> 00:19:10,360 Well, there's a word for that. 537 00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:12,230 - What's the word? - I can't remember the word. 538 00:19:12,430 --> 00:19:14,070 Cess, you went to Harvard. What's the word? 539 00:19:14,270 --> 00:19:15,860 I don't know. I didn't major in words. 540 00:19:16,060 --> 00:19:18,120 - [Midge] It's gonna bug me. - She's doing the tennis pro. 541 00:19:18,320 --> 00:19:19,950 - Get out. - People say. 542 00:19:20,150 --> 00:19:21,450 [Aaron] Was it legit camaraderie 543 00:19:21,650 --> 00:19:23,450 or just Susie working some angle? 544 00:19:23,650 --> 00:19:26,170 Either way, the angle presented itself. 545 00:19:26,370 --> 00:19:27,920 Hey, Mike. Who made that dumb rule 546 00:19:28,120 --> 00:19:31,630 that anyone who works on the show can't be on the show? 547 00:19:31,830 --> 00:19:33,050 It's George. 548 00:19:33,250 --> 00:19:34,420 George made the rule about 549 00:19:34,620 --> 00:19:35,970 no one working on the show appearing on the show. 550 00:19:36,170 --> 00:19:38,300 It's some dumb superstition of his 551 00:19:38,500 --> 00:19:41,760 dating back to, I don't know, when he was a boy in Pompeii. 552 00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:43,970 Gordon follows it 'cause... 553 00:19:44,170 --> 00:19:47,310 I don't know. I don't know anything. 554 00:19:47,510 --> 00:19:49,150 George, huh? 555 00:19:49,350 --> 00:19:50,520 - Semantic satiation! - [groaning] 556 00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:51,940 [Cecil] That's two words. 557 00:19:52,140 --> 00:19:53,690 [Aaron] Susie didn't like George either. 558 00:19:53,890 --> 00:19:55,820 Even before she became the great Susie Myerson, 559 00:19:56,020 --> 00:19:58,110 - small slights cut deep. - Good morning. 560 00:19:58,310 --> 00:20:00,120 Hi, George. You remember Susie. 561 00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:01,370 I don't believe we've met. 562 00:20:01,570 --> 00:20:02,870 Oh, you've definitely met. 563 00:20:03,070 --> 00:20:05,370 - Have we? - Only like half a dozen times. 564 00:20:05,570 --> 00:20:09,080 - [chuckles] Well, then... good to see you. - Mm. 565 00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:10,500 [Aaron] One thing Susie never liked 566 00:20:10,700 --> 00:20:12,500 - was not being remembered. - Pleasure's mine. 567 00:20:12,700 --> 00:20:14,130 That man was in her sights. 568 00:20:14,330 --> 00:20:16,340 One night, there's a staff party in the studio. 569 00:20:16,540 --> 00:20:18,930 Their 500th show, some shit like that. 570 00:20:19,130 --> 00:20:20,890 The booze is free, so of course Susie's there. 571 00:20:21,090 --> 00:20:23,310 She gets bored, she starts wandering around. 572 00:20:23,510 --> 00:20:24,810 Don't push me like this, George! 573 00:20:25,010 --> 00:20:27,640 Just get it the fuck done, Mike, or I'll find somebody who can. 574 00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:30,650 [Aaron] Susie's super curious, so she goes after Mike. 575 00:20:30,850 --> 00:20:32,270 He treats me like I'm the fucking receptionist. 576 00:20:32,470 --> 00:20:33,860 Demeans me in front of the staff every chance he gets. 577 00:20:34,060 --> 00:20:35,230 - [Aaron] Mike's had it. - I've fucking had it. 578 00:20:35,430 --> 00:20:37,490 - Does Gordon know that? - Oh, he knows. 579 00:20:37,690 --> 00:20:39,150 He's dangled me producing shows for him 580 00:20:39,350 --> 00:20:41,450 when his network deal closes, but guess what. 581 00:20:41,650 --> 00:20:43,620 - They can't make a deal. - What? Why? 582 00:20:43,820 --> 00:20:45,410 Gordon's number one. What's the holdup? 583 00:20:45,610 --> 00:20:47,960 I'd put fucking money on George Toledano being the holdup. 584 00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:49,870 [Aaron] Susie had invested a lot of time in Mike Carr, 585 00:20:50,070 --> 00:20:51,630 and she did not want him to leave. 586 00:20:51,830 --> 00:20:53,960 - George, huh? - He could decide to, I don't know, 587 00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:56,210 go into his father-in-law's fucking plumbing business, 588 00:20:56,410 --> 00:20:58,010 and what good would that do Susie? 589 00:20:58,210 --> 00:21:02,550 She had a plumber, so she decided to do some snooping. 590 00:21:02,750 --> 00:21:05,260 Have you gone through his stuff? 591 00:21:05,460 --> 00:21:07,140 - Whose stuff? - [knocking] 592 00:21:08,430 --> 00:21:09,810 You can't do this. 593 00:21:10,010 --> 00:21:12,060 Sure I can. Just watch. 594 00:21:12,260 --> 00:21:13,810 There's security guards that walk the floor. 595 00:21:14,010 --> 00:21:15,560 They're all at the party. 596 00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:19,440 Eh, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. 597 00:21:19,650 --> 00:21:21,360 Ooh. Why does he have rubber gloves? 598 00:21:21,560 --> 00:21:22,450 I don't know, maybe to go through my stuff. 599 00:21:22,650 --> 00:21:25,410 [groans] Locked drawer. 600 00:21:25,610 --> 00:21:27,330 These douchebags that never open letters, 601 00:21:27,530 --> 00:21:29,000 but they all have letter openers. 602 00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:30,540 I truly despise that. 603 00:21:30,740 --> 00:21:32,290 Okay, I can't be here. Goodbye. 604 00:21:32,490 --> 00:21:34,120 - [groans] - [door closes] 605 00:21:36,250 --> 00:21:38,090 [Aaron] She's either the best snoop in the business 606 00:21:38,290 --> 00:21:41,130 or the luckiest son of a bitch who ever walked the planet. 607 00:21:41,330 --> 00:21:43,760 The gun was smoking like a three-alarm fire, 608 00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:46,640 and Mikey's life was about to change. 609 00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:48,220 And as for George... 610 00:21:48,420 --> 00:21:50,060 Dorie, is it possible 611 00:21:50,260 --> 00:21:51,940 you're more beautiful today than yesterday? 612 00:21:52,140 --> 00:21:54,940 I did change my lashes. 613 00:21:55,140 --> 00:21:56,980 How's the best writing staff in the business? 614 00:21:57,180 --> 00:21:58,820 [overlapping chatter] 615 00:21:59,020 --> 00:22:00,150 Nice suit, George. 616 00:22:00,350 --> 00:22:01,530 [cheering] 617 00:22:01,730 --> 00:22:04,740 Oh, you look trim, Freddie. What's your secret? 618 00:22:04,940 --> 00:22:06,330 [Freddie] Grapefruit, George. 619 00:22:06,530 --> 00:22:07,660 Alan? 620 00:22:07,860 --> 00:22:09,540 [Aaron] The poor bastard never saw it coming. 621 00:22:09,740 --> 00:22:11,080 Gordon would like you and your personal effects 622 00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:12,790 gone within the hour. 623 00:22:12,990 --> 00:22:14,880 [Aaron] Turns out George was single-handedly 624 00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:16,590 holding up Gordon's contract. 625 00:22:16,790 --> 00:22:18,840 George wanted his mortgage paid off, 626 00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:20,920 a new boat, a fucking horse farm, 627 00:22:21,120 --> 00:22:22,930 a house for a "friend." 628 00:22:23,130 --> 00:22:26,050 When Gordon heard, he blew his stack 629 00:22:26,250 --> 00:22:28,430 and Mikey got the job. 630 00:22:28,630 --> 00:22:31,270 Hey, Dinah! This one just winked at me. 631 00:22:31,470 --> 00:22:32,810 [Dinah] Pigeons don't wink. It blinked. 632 00:22:33,010 --> 00:22:35,060 It fucking winked, I'm telling you. 633 00:22:35,260 --> 00:22:36,730 Good God, that amuses me. 634 00:22:36,930 --> 00:22:38,230 Why does that amuse me so much? 635 00:22:38,430 --> 00:22:39,940 It's because you're easily amused. 636 00:22:40,140 --> 00:22:42,610 [Aaron] It was all in a day's work for Susie Myerson. 637 00:22:42,810 --> 00:22:44,660 Goddamn, I love these things. 638 00:22:44,860 --> 00:22:47,410 - [laughter] - [Mike] So, Susie, 639 00:22:47,610 --> 00:22:49,280 my old friend. 640 00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:52,120 Old, old friend. 641 00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:55,460 - You're very old. - [laughter] 642 00:22:55,660 --> 00:22:57,710 I'll leave you with this. 643 00:22:58,710 --> 00:23:01,040 - [laughter] - Okay. 644 00:23:03,380 --> 00:23:05,630 - [man] Yeah, Susie! - [Ray] Okay, okay. 645 00:23:05,830 --> 00:23:08,050 You've taken your piss, my brother, now talk. 646 00:23:08,250 --> 00:23:09,600 Yeah, come on, spill. 647 00:23:09,800 --> 00:23:11,520 How did Midge Maisel get out from under the mob? 648 00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:13,640 All right, so you know about Midge's first husband, right? 649 00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:14,980 The man who gave her the Maisel? 650 00:23:15,180 --> 00:23:17,060 Well, I have worked for Joel Maisel, 651 00:23:17,260 --> 00:23:18,810 and he is one tough son of a bitch, 652 00:23:19,010 --> 00:23:20,820 - let me tell you. - He just got out of the clink, right? 653 00:23:21,020 --> 00:23:23,190 Yeah, he got caught up in that big FBI sweep a few years back. 654 00:23:23,390 --> 00:23:25,240 - Blame Susie for that, too. - Jesus. - No. 655 00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:26,780 Yeah. Now, the mob had sunk their teeth into Susie 656 00:23:26,980 --> 00:23:28,870 from the start, so they owned Midge lock, 657 00:23:29,070 --> 00:23:32,240 stock and barrel, and Joel Maisel wasn't having it. 658 00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:34,250 [objects clattering] 659 00:23:34,450 --> 00:23:36,290 He's in your office. 660 00:23:36,490 --> 00:23:37,830 Goddamn it. 661 00:23:38,030 --> 00:23:39,420 [Carmine] He'd just busted in, 662 00:23:39,620 --> 00:23:41,670 demanded to know what they were getting of his ex-wife's. 663 00:23:41,870 --> 00:23:44,170 - Are you fucking crazy? - Where are they? 664 00:23:44,370 --> 00:23:46,050 - Where's what? - Your books. 665 00:23:46,250 --> 00:23:47,590 My accountant has 'em. 666 00:23:47,790 --> 00:23:49,380 Not those books. 667 00:23:50,970 --> 00:23:52,590 These books. 668 00:23:53,590 --> 00:23:56,180 You know, there are laws against breaking and entering. 669 00:23:57,430 --> 00:23:59,560 Asshole. Asshole! 670 00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:01,190 [Carmine] It was all there in black and white. 671 00:24:01,390 --> 00:24:03,030 For every 100 bucks Midge made, 672 00:24:03,230 --> 00:24:06,530 Susie got 15 and the mob got 30. 673 00:24:06,730 --> 00:24:08,240 - I told you not to call the cops. - I didn't. 674 00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:10,120 This is my cousin Dougie, he was meeting me for lunch. 675 00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:12,450 - Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you. 676 00:24:12,650 --> 00:24:14,120 Shit. 677 00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:16,290 Guys, wait. Hold up. 678 00:24:16,490 --> 00:24:18,750 - So, you know this man? - [Susie] Yes. 679 00:24:18,950 --> 00:24:20,420 - Do you want to press charges? - No. 680 00:24:20,620 --> 00:24:21,840 It's a misunderstanding. 681 00:24:22,040 --> 00:24:23,250 Care to explain the misunderstanding? 682 00:24:23,450 --> 00:24:24,960 Nope. Just let him go. 683 00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:27,380 [women murmuring] 684 00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:30,300 Leave the premises. 685 00:24:30,500 --> 00:24:32,260 - I'll make sure he goes. - Rain check, Dougie? 686 00:24:32,460 --> 00:24:33,430 Yup. 687 00:24:34,430 --> 00:24:36,270 - Joel, listen. - [elevator bell dings] 688 00:24:36,470 --> 00:24:37,980 She's gonna make so much goddam money, 689 00:24:38,180 --> 00:24:39,350 it's not gonna matter. 690 00:24:39,550 --> 00:24:42,360 I will commit my life to her, everything. 691 00:24:42,560 --> 00:24:43,980 I'm gonna make this happen. 692 00:24:44,180 --> 00:24:46,070 This situation, it'll be a footnote. 693 00:24:46,270 --> 00:24:47,400 They own her, Susie. 694 00:24:47,600 --> 00:24:49,200 I can fix this. 695 00:24:49,400 --> 00:24:51,530 [Carmine] He knew there was no fixing it, not for Susie. 696 00:24:51,730 --> 00:24:53,080 So, what does he do? 697 00:24:53,280 --> 00:24:55,160 He walks straight into the lion's den. 698 00:24:55,360 --> 00:25:00,040 ♪ I love those J-I-N-G-L-E bells ♪ 699 00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:02,580 - [♪ Frank Sinatra: "Jingle Bells"] - [lively chatter] 700 00:25:02,780 --> 00:25:05,920 ♪ Those holiday J-I-N-G-L-E bells... 701 00:25:06,120 --> 00:25:07,510 [whistles] 702 00:25:07,710 --> 00:25:11,840 ♪ Those happy J-I-N-G-L-E B-E double-L-S ♪ 703 00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:14,850 - ♪ I love those... - Can we help you? 704 00:25:15,050 --> 00:25:17,020 Frank and Nicky, right? 705 00:25:17,220 --> 00:25:18,270 Yeah? 706 00:25:18,470 --> 00:25:20,600 I'm Joel Maisel. You got a minute? 707 00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:22,810 Sure. 708 00:25:23,010 --> 00:25:25,230 We'll be right back, guys. Hey. 709 00:25:27,020 --> 00:25:27,980 There's good. 710 00:25:28,190 --> 00:25:29,240 You're Frank? 711 00:25:29,440 --> 00:25:31,110 Yeah. That's Nicky. 712 00:25:31,310 --> 00:25:33,070 You know, my mother actually named me after St. Nicholas, 713 00:25:33,270 --> 00:25:35,620 'cause I came out fat and jolly. 714 00:25:35,820 --> 00:25:38,370 Plus, my pop got clipped on Christmas. 715 00:25:38,570 --> 00:25:39,960 My kids are waiting. What's up? 716 00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:41,870 You can't have Midge. 717 00:25:42,070 --> 00:25:43,750 - What? - You can't have her. 718 00:25:43,950 --> 00:25:45,710 - You just can't. - I don't get it. 719 00:25:45,910 --> 00:25:46,750 We don't have Midge. 720 00:25:46,950 --> 00:25:48,710 But you have Susie, right? 721 00:25:48,910 --> 00:25:50,130 We don't talk about our clients. 722 00:25:50,330 --> 00:25:51,930 Look, I'm not a schmuck. 723 00:25:52,130 --> 00:25:54,300 I didn't come here empty-handed. 724 00:25:54,500 --> 00:25:56,180 I've got something to offer in exchange. 725 00:25:56,380 --> 00:25:57,430 - Really? - What? 726 00:25:57,630 --> 00:25:59,060 - Me. - You? 727 00:25:59,260 --> 00:26:00,560 Trying to picture you in a cocktail dress. 728 00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:03,060 I've got a place in Chinatown. A nightclub. 729 00:26:03,260 --> 00:26:05,610 Turns big profits, it's got lines around the block. 730 00:26:05,810 --> 00:26:07,320 - Chinatown, huh? - Hmm. Tough market. 731 00:26:07,520 --> 00:26:10,030 I'm fucking good at this, this business. 732 00:26:10,230 --> 00:26:12,200 I make money. 733 00:26:12,400 --> 00:26:14,780 And with the right financing, I could expand quick, 734 00:26:14,980 --> 00:26:18,200 quicker than what I'm doing now. 735 00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:19,620 You guys do financing, right? 736 00:26:19,820 --> 00:26:21,410 Yeah, we do financing. 737 00:26:21,610 --> 00:26:23,000 Then let go of her. 738 00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:24,830 Let her walk away. 739 00:26:25,030 --> 00:26:27,040 Look, Joel, she's starting to make good money. 740 00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:30,420 She's the mother of my kids, and I want her clear of this. 741 00:26:32,460 --> 00:26:33,840 You've got kids. 742 00:26:36,300 --> 00:26:38,300 - Give us a minute. - Sure. 743 00:26:43,850 --> 00:26:45,850 [lively chatter] 744 00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:49,400 [Francesca] Would you like a cookie? 745 00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:50,900 I made them myself. 746 00:26:51,100 --> 00:26:53,320 - Which one's the best? - The star. 747 00:26:55,740 --> 00:26:59,320 - Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas. 748 00:27:03,740 --> 00:27:05,830 You ever been popped? 749 00:27:06,030 --> 00:27:07,460 - No. - Good. 750 00:27:07,660 --> 00:27:09,130 The old man liked the idea. 751 00:27:09,330 --> 00:27:11,170 You, as like, a front man. 752 00:27:11,370 --> 00:27:13,510 He's already got ideas for cities to put clubs in. 753 00:27:13,710 --> 00:27:15,510 Cities we do business in. 754 00:27:15,710 --> 00:27:17,340 Always open to ideas. 755 00:27:17,540 --> 00:27:19,510 So, you'll leave Midge alone? 756 00:27:19,710 --> 00:27:23,230 You got some balls on you, pal, I'll give you that. 757 00:27:23,430 --> 00:27:25,770 Yeah, we'll leave Midge alone. 758 00:27:25,970 --> 00:27:28,400 Okay. 759 00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:31,110 So, what happens now? 760 00:27:31,310 --> 00:27:33,650 We should get back to the kids. 761 00:27:37,490 --> 00:27:39,570 Happy Hanukkah. 762 00:27:40,610 --> 00:27:42,490 [Carmine] He skirted charges longer than anybody thought 763 00:27:42,690 --> 00:27:44,870 he could, had good lawyers, caught some breaks. 764 00:27:45,070 --> 00:27:46,830 But ultimately they threw the book at him, 765 00:27:47,030 --> 00:27:49,960 hard, brought the whole thing tumbling down. 766 00:27:50,160 --> 00:27:52,710 - [gate buzzes] - He took the full rap. 767 00:27:52,910 --> 00:27:54,840 Protected that partner of his, Archie Cleary, 768 00:27:55,040 --> 00:27:56,510 made sure he was okay. 769 00:27:56,710 --> 00:27:58,890 He supposedly stashed some money in Bermuda or somewhere 770 00:27:59,090 --> 00:28:00,850 for when he got out. Who knows? 771 00:28:01,050 --> 00:28:04,140 And Midge, well, she never deserted him. 772 00:28:04,340 --> 00:28:07,770 [laughter] 773 00:28:07,970 --> 00:28:09,230 Susie Myerson. 774 00:28:09,430 --> 00:28:11,310 Is she gay, is she straight? Who can tell? 775 00:28:11,520 --> 00:28:13,820 - [laughter] - But I've seen some of the deals she's closed 776 00:28:14,020 --> 00:28:15,440 over the years, and one group of people 777 00:28:15,640 --> 00:28:18,570 - I know she fucks is her clients. - [laughter] 778 00:28:18,770 --> 00:28:20,700 But, you know, she just got George Carlin 779 00:28:20,900 --> 00:28:22,620 booked on a children's show. Yeah. 780 00:28:22,820 --> 00:28:24,910 Next year he's taking over for Ringo Starr 781 00:28:25,110 --> 00:28:27,000 on Shining Time Cocksucker Shit Piss 782 00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:29,450 - Fuck Cunt Tits Motherfucker Station. - [laughter] 783 00:28:33,040 --> 00:28:34,800 So, Susie, you ready for a special guest? 784 00:28:35,000 --> 00:28:35,960 - No. - Too bad. 785 00:28:37,000 --> 00:28:39,840 It took three connecting flights and two B-12 injections 786 00:28:40,040 --> 00:28:41,850 to get our next guest here, but get her here we did. 787 00:28:42,050 --> 00:28:45,220 Ladies and gentlemen, Susie's little sister Tessie Myerson. 788 00:28:45,420 --> 00:28:48,810 - [applause, cheering] - [whoops] Yeah. 789 00:28:49,010 --> 00:28:52,020 - Hiya, sis. - Hello, Tess. 790 00:28:52,220 --> 00:28:53,860 So, so, so, 791 00:28:54,060 --> 00:28:58,030 so, what can I say about Susie Myerson 792 00:28:58,230 --> 00:29:00,740 that hasn't been said about Pol Pot? 793 00:29:00,940 --> 00:29:03,160 [laughs] 794 00:29:03,360 --> 00:29:04,740 When I introduced her to my twin daughters, 795 00:29:04,940 --> 00:29:07,950 she said, "Two eights? Split 'em." 796 00:29:08,150 --> 00:29:10,540 [laughs] 797 00:29:10,740 --> 00:29:12,040 I should've been a comedian. 798 00:29:12,240 --> 00:29:13,880 - [Ray] That was weird. - [Carmine] Super weird. 799 00:29:14,080 --> 00:29:15,800 She just did everybody else's jokes. 800 00:29:16,000 --> 00:29:18,550 Susie is the only person I know 801 00:29:18,750 --> 00:29:20,510 who would get into a screaming fight 802 00:29:20,710 --> 00:29:25,100 with Sidney Lumet at Anne Bancroft's birthday party. 803 00:29:25,300 --> 00:29:27,930 - Who is Sidney Lumet? - Okay, Tessie, wrap it up. 804 00:29:28,130 --> 00:29:30,480 But in all honesty, sis. 805 00:29:30,680 --> 00:29:31,900 I'm thrilled to be here. 806 00:29:32,100 --> 00:29:34,520 [voice breaking] You've always been my rock, 807 00:29:34,720 --> 00:29:37,230 and you've always been supportive of me. 808 00:29:37,430 --> 00:29:38,990 Happy birthday. 809 00:29:39,190 --> 00:29:40,360 - It's not my fucking birthday. - [scattered laughs] 810 00:29:40,560 --> 00:29:41,450 This woman. 811 00:29:41,650 --> 00:29:45,450 This woman had belief and passion 812 00:29:45,650 --> 00:29:48,240 for my singing career when no one else did. 813 00:29:48,450 --> 00:29:51,080 - Oh, boy. - She is solely responsible 814 00:29:51,280 --> 00:29:54,750 for my smash disco single "Never Ever Gonna Stop." 815 00:29:54,950 --> 00:29:58,250 It hit number 85 on the Billboard Dance charts, 816 00:29:58,460 --> 00:30:01,880 and it even made it to number one in Indonesia. 817 00:30:02,080 --> 00:30:04,760 I mean, I didn't even know Indonesia was real before that, 818 00:30:04,960 --> 00:30:06,350 and now I live there. 819 00:30:06,550 --> 00:30:07,890 It was Susie's idea. 820 00:30:08,090 --> 00:30:11,230 Anyway, I'm gonna liven this morgue up a bit 821 00:30:11,430 --> 00:30:13,230 and do it for you now. Hit it. 822 00:30:13,430 --> 00:30:14,690 [♪ "Never Ever Gonna Stop"] 823 00:30:14,890 --> 00:30:18,480 ♪ When I saw you at the nightclub ♪ 824 00:30:18,680 --> 00:30:20,530 ♪ You were dancing ♪ 825 00:30:20,730 --> 00:30:22,400 And then it just got fucking weirder. 826 00:30:22,600 --> 00:30:23,860 ♪ Let me rub your face ♪ 827 00:30:24,060 --> 00:30:25,870 - ♪ While you shake your hips ♪ - Okay. 828 00:30:26,070 --> 00:30:29,540 ♪ I'm just a baby girl who wants to taste your lips ♪ 829 00:30:29,740 --> 00:30:31,200 ♪ You say you have to go ♪ 830 00:30:31,400 --> 00:30:35,080 ♪ But, boy, there's something you should know ♪ 831 00:30:35,280 --> 00:30:38,670 ♪ It's that I'm never, never, ever ♪ 832 00:30:38,870 --> 00:30:43,090 ♪ Gonna stop loving you, watching you, following you ♪ 833 00:30:43,290 --> 00:30:47,010 ♪ Never, never, ever gonna stop ♪♪ 834 00:30:47,210 --> 00:30:48,140 [music stops] 835 00:30:48,340 --> 00:30:49,720 Hey, hey, you stopped it before the best part. 836 00:30:49,920 --> 00:30:51,930 - The sex groaning. - There we go. 837 00:30:52,130 --> 00:30:54,640 - Tessie Myerson, everybody. - [cheering and applause] 838 00:30:54,840 --> 00:30:59,900 - Keep boogying, people. - Oh, yeah. 839 00:31:00,100 --> 00:31:01,990 Talent sure runs in the family. 840 00:31:02,190 --> 00:31:03,780 [Carmine] So Susie did that for her sister? 841 00:31:03,980 --> 00:31:05,990 - That-that was a nice thing? - No... 842 00:31:06,190 --> 00:31:08,700 - Yes, it was a nice thing. - She's not a total monster. 843 00:31:08,900 --> 00:31:10,620 Yeah, she was a great manager, up until she dumped me. 844 00:31:10,820 --> 00:31:13,410 She was great because she'd do anything for her client. 845 00:31:13,610 --> 00:31:15,420 Do you know the Midge Maisel Hawaiian wedding story? 846 00:31:15,620 --> 00:31:16,500 - Spill it. - Let's hear it. 847 00:31:16,700 --> 00:31:18,750 I just hope to God it's true. 848 00:31:18,950 --> 00:31:22,260 {\an8}- [ukulele playing nearby] - Ah... 849 00:31:22,460 --> 00:31:23,970 {\an8}- You hear that? - [Dinah] Hear what? 850 00:31:24,170 --> 00:31:25,340 {\an8}The fucking ocean. 851 00:31:25,540 --> 00:31:26,630 You can't hear the fucking ocean? 852 00:31:26,840 --> 00:31:28,050 Sounds a little like traffic. 853 00:31:28,250 --> 00:31:29,760 Hey, Marcy, get Lucius back on the line. 854 00:31:29,960 --> 00:31:31,100 And is that a ukulele? 855 00:31:31,300 --> 00:31:34,020 I am so at peace. Like, for the first time ever. 856 00:31:34,220 --> 00:31:36,850 I'm eating pineapple every day. 857 00:31:37,050 --> 00:31:38,930 - I want to buy a house here. - [door slams shut] 858 00:31:40,190 --> 00:31:42,530 Jesus Christ, you scared me. 859 00:31:42,730 --> 00:31:44,570 I can't do this. I can't do this. 860 00:31:44,770 --> 00:31:46,400 What, zip up? I'll help you zip up. 861 00:31:46,600 --> 00:31:49,820 Not zip up. I can't do this. I can't get married. 862 00:31:50,020 --> 00:31:51,330 I'll call you back. 863 00:31:51,530 --> 00:31:52,910 [Dinah] Oh, are you fucking kidding? 864 00:31:53,110 --> 00:31:55,290 [Midge pouring drink] 865 00:31:55,490 --> 00:31:57,000 Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. 866 00:31:57,200 --> 00:31:58,920 It's a mistake. Can't do it. 867 00:31:59,120 --> 00:32:01,710 Miriam, there are 700 people here to see you get married. 868 00:32:01,910 --> 00:32:02,880 - I know. - In 20 minutes. 869 00:32:03,080 --> 00:32:05,170 - I know. - We rented a fucking island. 870 00:32:05,370 --> 00:32:06,840 Flew people in from all over the world. 871 00:32:07,040 --> 00:32:08,260 I know, I know. 872 00:32:08,460 --> 00:32:09,930 The Jordan almond budget alone 873 00:32:10,130 --> 00:32:11,260 could finance a Navy SEAL strike. 874 00:32:11,460 --> 00:32:12,890 I hate Jordan almonds. 875 00:32:13,090 --> 00:32:13,890 You are getting married. 876 00:32:14,090 --> 00:32:14,890 - No. - Yes. 877 00:32:15,090 --> 00:32:16,640 - No, No! - Yes. Why?! Why? 878 00:32:16,840 --> 00:32:18,310 I don't love him. 879 00:32:18,510 --> 00:32:19,980 You didn't love the last guy either. 880 00:32:20,180 --> 00:32:20,980 That didn't stop you. 881 00:32:21,180 --> 00:32:23,020 It's not him. Philip is great. 882 00:32:23,220 --> 00:32:26,240 He really is, but there's love and then there's love, you know. 883 00:32:26,440 --> 00:32:27,700 And then there's love. 884 00:32:27,900 --> 00:32:29,740 And I don't have that right kind of love-love 885 00:32:29,940 --> 00:32:30,870 for him, you know? 886 00:32:31,070 --> 00:32:32,620 I am gonna beat you with a pineapple. 887 00:32:32,820 --> 00:32:34,870 I know it's crazy, but I was in my room 888 00:32:35,070 --> 00:32:36,370 and I looked at myself in this outfit 889 00:32:36,570 --> 00:32:38,370 and I thought, this is not a good outfit. 890 00:32:38,570 --> 00:32:41,130 - This outfit is a cry for help. - The pants were surprising. 891 00:32:41,330 --> 00:32:42,380 And the guest list? 892 00:32:42,580 --> 00:32:44,000 This started off as an intimate wedding. 893 00:32:44,200 --> 00:32:46,970 Thirty people, 50. Just our closest friends. 894 00:32:47,170 --> 00:32:49,180 Then it just kept expanding and expanding 895 00:32:49,380 --> 00:32:52,220 till it turned into this 700-headed monster. 896 00:32:52,420 --> 00:32:55,520 Comedians I barely know, relatives I have never met. 897 00:32:55,720 --> 00:32:57,060 Four ex-boyfriends. 898 00:32:57,260 --> 00:32:59,690 So many bad vibes. What was I thinking? 899 00:32:59,890 --> 00:33:00,690 The more the merrier? 900 00:33:00,890 --> 00:33:02,610 He has no sense of humor. 901 00:33:02,810 --> 00:33:04,860 I need a man who makes me laugh at breakfast, 902 00:33:05,060 --> 00:33:07,360 and he just doesn't make me laugh. 903 00:33:07,560 --> 00:33:09,530 I hate him for that. I shouldn't hate him, 904 00:33:09,730 --> 00:33:10,990 - but I do. - [door opens] 905 00:33:11,190 --> 00:33:13,990 - I am loving Philip Roth. - Such a gentleman. 906 00:33:14,190 --> 00:33:16,910 He just gave me a complete set of his books. 907 00:33:17,110 --> 00:33:18,910 Signed. Terrific guy. 908 00:33:19,110 --> 00:33:21,540 He seems to have it in for that Norman Mailer fellow, 909 00:33:21,740 --> 00:33:23,330 also very charming. 910 00:33:23,540 --> 00:33:25,040 Are we ready to go? 911 00:33:25,250 --> 00:33:27,460 I think I'm still in love with Joel. 912 00:33:27,660 --> 00:33:29,470 - What? - Joel's not funny either. 913 00:33:29,670 --> 00:33:30,930 - What's happening? - Get this. 914 00:33:31,130 --> 00:33:33,430 She is considering backing out of the fucking marriage, 915 00:33:33,630 --> 00:33:35,140 until she comes to her fucking senses 916 00:33:35,340 --> 00:33:36,680 and stops looking for crazy reasons 917 00:33:36,880 --> 00:33:37,970 to back out of the fucking marriage. 918 00:33:38,170 --> 00:33:39,640 I'm sorry, I'm still in love with Joel. 919 00:33:39,840 --> 00:33:41,020 - Joel who? - Joel Grey? 920 00:33:41,220 --> 00:33:42,480 No, Joel Maisel. 921 00:33:42,680 --> 00:33:43,940 Why would you say Joel Grey? 922 00:33:44,140 --> 00:33:45,270 Because you dated Joel Grey. 923 00:33:45,470 --> 00:33:46,900 You were engaged to Joel Grey 924 00:33:47,100 --> 00:33:48,030 until you called it off. 925 00:33:48,230 --> 00:33:49,860 Because he didn't make you laugh. 926 00:33:50,060 --> 00:33:51,110 You picking up on a pattern here? 927 00:33:51,310 --> 00:33:52,200 Philip is a great lover. 928 00:33:52,400 --> 00:33:53,820 - Ew. - Miriam. - Hey, hey. 929 00:33:54,020 --> 00:33:56,330 I'm sorry, I'm making a mental pro/con list, and that is a pro. 930 00:33:56,530 --> 00:33:58,200 A big pro. And he's smart. 931 00:33:58,400 --> 00:34:00,040 And he's very easy to buy shoes for. 932 00:34:00,240 --> 00:34:01,290 Oh, God, I'm running out of pros. 933 00:34:01,490 --> 00:34:02,420 What about the band? 934 00:34:02,620 --> 00:34:03,790 The band is all set up and ready to go. 935 00:34:03,990 --> 00:34:05,000 We'll just have to pay them off. 936 00:34:05,200 --> 00:34:06,130 It's Three Dog Night. 937 00:34:06,330 --> 00:34:08,050 You don't just pay off Three Dog Night. 938 00:34:08,250 --> 00:34:10,670 And we flew in special musical guests to join them. 939 00:34:10,870 --> 00:34:12,630 Marvin Gaye, Jim Croce. 940 00:34:12,830 --> 00:34:14,260 - Oh, I love Jim Croce. - I know. 941 00:34:14,460 --> 00:34:17,060 That's why I fucking arranged to surprise you with Jim Croce. 942 00:34:17,260 --> 00:34:18,720 And Grand Funk Railroad. 943 00:34:18,920 --> 00:34:21,140 Grand Funk Railroad? The hard rock band? 944 00:34:21,340 --> 00:34:22,600 I don't like Grand Funk Railroad. 945 00:34:22,800 --> 00:34:24,980 - You told me you did. - I told you I like funk music, 946 00:34:25,180 --> 00:34:26,020 not Grand Funk Railroad. 947 00:34:26,220 --> 00:34:27,360 Well, they're here, they're high, 948 00:34:27,560 --> 00:34:28,360 and they're ready to play. 949 00:34:28,560 --> 00:34:30,400 We paid for the cake. 950 00:34:30,600 --> 00:34:32,520 Do we get our money back for the cake? 951 00:34:33,480 --> 00:34:35,160 I can't go through with this. 952 00:34:35,360 --> 00:34:36,570 Sorry, I just can't. 953 00:34:36,770 --> 00:34:38,030 Well, are you gonna let him know that? 954 00:34:38,230 --> 00:34:39,870 'Cause he thinks he's getting married in ten minutes. 955 00:34:40,070 --> 00:34:42,830 I can't. I can't be the one to tell him. 956 00:34:43,030 --> 00:34:44,410 I just can't. 957 00:34:47,120 --> 00:34:50,960 Miriam, I have done a lot for you over the years. 958 00:34:51,160 --> 00:34:52,380 I jumped onto a subway track 959 00:34:52,580 --> 00:34:54,130 to retrieve your third-favorite hat. 960 00:34:54,330 --> 00:34:56,970 I came to your apartment at 4:00 a.m. to kill a cockroach. 961 00:34:57,170 --> 00:34:58,260 Turned out to be a raisin. 962 00:34:58,460 --> 00:35:01,180 I've euthanized three of your elderly pets. 963 00:35:01,380 --> 00:35:04,390 I've wrung out your wet bras on hotel terraces. 964 00:35:04,590 --> 00:35:06,900 I wrestled a Turkish police officer to the ground, 965 00:35:07,100 --> 00:35:09,440 I kept Ethel Merman away from you, but this, 966 00:35:09,640 --> 00:35:11,820 this has nothing to do with your career. 967 00:35:12,020 --> 00:35:14,610 It's your personal life, and I got to start drawing lines, 968 00:35:14,810 --> 00:35:16,240 and I'm starting today. 969 00:35:16,440 --> 00:35:19,160 I'm sorry, but you get yourself out of this. 970 00:35:19,360 --> 00:35:22,450 [whimpers] 971 00:35:22,650 --> 00:35:24,740 [crying] 972 00:35:26,370 --> 00:35:29,000 [♪ Jim Croce: "Time in a Bottle"] 973 00:35:29,200 --> 00:35:30,670 [Susie] She needs someone to laugh with, Philip, 974 00:35:30,870 --> 00:35:32,340 and you just don't make her laugh. 975 00:35:32,540 --> 00:35:35,590 Yes, I-I've read Portnoy's Complaint. It's very funny. 976 00:35:35,790 --> 00:35:37,090 You just don't make her laugh at the breakfast table. 977 00:35:37,290 --> 00:35:39,300 That's the bottom line. 978 00:35:39,500 --> 00:35:41,310 Then you should have read Portnoy's Complaint aloud 979 00:35:41,510 --> 00:35:43,310 at the fucking breakfast table, I don't know. 980 00:35:43,510 --> 00:35:47,350 Here's the thing. She likes funk, not Grand Funk. 981 00:35:47,550 --> 00:35:48,690 Really, this is your fault 982 00:35:48,890 --> 00:35:50,440 because you picked the name, it's very confusing. 983 00:35:50,640 --> 00:35:52,530 It was a very expensive cake. 984 00:35:52,730 --> 00:35:54,610 My girl's on the phone with the cake place now. 985 00:35:54,810 --> 00:35:56,860 It was a very expensive cake. 986 00:35:57,060 --> 00:35:57,910 Maybe they can resell it. 987 00:35:58,110 --> 00:36:01,240 It was a very expensive cake. 988 00:36:01,440 --> 00:36:04,200 I will get you your money back, I promise. 989 00:36:04,400 --> 00:36:05,660 [Aaron] It took her weeks to undo the mess, 990 00:36:05,860 --> 00:36:07,920 and the whole thing cost her a bloody fortune. 991 00:36:08,120 --> 00:36:10,290 The cake was quite pricey. 992 00:36:10,490 --> 00:36:12,550 Yeah. 993 00:36:12,750 --> 00:36:14,170 [Aaron] She couldn't resist Midge, 994 00:36:14,370 --> 00:36:15,760 especially when she was vulnerable. 995 00:36:15,960 --> 00:36:18,260 See, Midge drove herself hard, and Susie knew it. 996 00:36:18,460 --> 00:36:21,220 She was a perfectionist and took a lot of risks onstage. 997 00:36:21,420 --> 00:36:23,350 - There's got to be something... - And, shit, most of 'em paid off. 998 00:36:23,550 --> 00:36:25,020 The cake is customized. It's a specific flavor... 999 00:36:25,220 --> 00:36:26,350 [Aaron] Susie always had a tremendous amount 1000 00:36:26,550 --> 00:36:27,890 of respect for her. 1001 00:36:28,090 --> 00:36:30,310 A loyalty that couldn't be shaken. 1002 00:36:30,510 --> 00:36:32,480 But it was more than that. 1003 00:36:32,680 --> 00:36:35,190 Really, in a way, it was love. 1004 00:36:35,390 --> 00:36:36,610 [baker] But you don't have to throw it out. 1005 00:36:36,810 --> 00:36:38,200 You can donate it to a charity. 1006 00:36:38,400 --> 00:36:40,660 [Aaron] And in succeeding years, three of Philip Roth's 1007 00:36:40,860 --> 00:36:43,660 most loathsome characters were based directly on Susie. 1008 00:36:43,860 --> 00:36:46,000 Hawaii fucking sucks. 1009 00:36:46,200 --> 00:36:47,870 So what happened? Anyone know? 1010 00:36:48,070 --> 00:36:49,330 - What happened with what? - Between Midge and Susie. 1011 00:36:49,530 --> 00:36:51,000 They were inseparable. What the fuck happened? 1012 00:36:51,200 --> 00:36:52,500 Lost in the fog of war. 1013 00:36:52,700 --> 00:36:55,050 - I don't think anyone knows. - Anyone alive, at least. 1014 00:36:55,250 --> 00:36:56,340 I do. 1015 00:36:56,540 --> 00:36:59,470 Susie told me one night when she was drunk. 1016 00:36:59,670 --> 00:37:01,930 A year later, Midge told me the story 1017 00:37:02,130 --> 00:37:03,680 one night when she was drunk. 1018 00:37:03,880 --> 00:37:05,560 - [Aaron] Well? - [Ray] Did the stories even match? 1019 00:37:05,760 --> 00:37:08,810 Some things did, some didn't. But I think I got the gist. 1020 00:37:09,010 --> 00:37:11,560 And where it all happened, holy shit. 1021 00:37:11,760 --> 00:37:15,110 {\an8}[cantor] ♪ Da'amiran be'almah ♪ 1022 00:37:15,310 --> 00:37:17,490 {\an8}♪ Ve'imru ♪ 1023 00:37:17,690 --> 00:37:20,070 [all] ♪ Amen ♪♪ 1024 00:37:20,270 --> 00:37:22,780 We begin with the silent Amidah, 1025 00:37:22,980 --> 00:37:26,450 which can be found on page 382. 1026 00:37:26,650 --> 00:37:29,160 [praying silently] 1027 00:37:29,360 --> 00:37:30,960 Little cutie. 1028 00:37:31,160 --> 00:37:34,380 I couldn't resist. 1029 00:37:34,580 --> 00:37:36,710 - Does Chava scare you, too? - Huh? 1030 00:37:36,910 --> 00:37:38,880 Corporal Chava, does she scare the shit out of you? 1031 00:37:39,080 --> 00:37:40,720 'Cause I think one of these days you're gonna find my body 1032 00:37:40,920 --> 00:37:43,010 in a date tree. 1033 00:37:43,210 --> 00:37:44,720 Hey, you okay? 1034 00:37:44,920 --> 00:37:47,180 It's just really warm in here. 1035 00:37:47,380 --> 00:37:49,430 - And Chava's terrifying. - [door bangs open loudly] 1036 00:37:49,630 --> 00:37:52,690 Excuse me, gentlemen, may we help you? 1037 00:37:52,890 --> 00:37:54,190 FBI, Rabbi. 1038 00:37:54,390 --> 00:37:57,440 - [alarmed murmuring] - I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. 1039 00:37:57,640 --> 00:37:58,820 What? Why? 1040 00:37:59,020 --> 00:38:00,150 I had no idea they'd come here. 1041 00:38:00,350 --> 00:38:01,400 [Ethan] Papa, what's happening? 1042 00:38:01,600 --> 00:38:03,820 [speaking Hebrew] What has your godless mother done now? 1043 00:38:04,020 --> 00:38:05,490 Damn it, Chava, I understand a decent amount of Hebrew. 1044 00:38:05,690 --> 00:38:07,410 - Joel, what is going on? - They're here for me. 1045 00:38:07,610 --> 00:38:10,120 - For you? Why? - Read this. 1046 00:38:10,320 --> 00:38:12,580 - It's everything you should know. - Joel. 1047 00:38:12,780 --> 00:38:15,540 - You're looking for me. I'm Joel Maisel. - Papa. 1048 00:38:15,740 --> 00:38:17,080 Hands behind your back, please. 1049 00:38:17,330 --> 00:38:18,750 I truly hate New York. 1050 00:38:18,960 --> 00:38:20,090 Mr. Maisel, you're under arrest. 1051 00:38:20,290 --> 00:38:21,220 What?! No, this-this is a mistake. 1052 00:38:21,420 --> 00:38:22,510 You have the right to remain silent... 1053 00:38:22,710 --> 00:38:24,930 - It's not. - Joel, what happened? 1054 00:38:25,130 --> 00:38:27,310 - Read the letter. - You have the right to an attorney. 1055 00:38:27,510 --> 00:38:28,390 I have a criminal attorney. 1056 00:38:28,590 --> 00:38:30,470 Why do you have a criminal attorney? 1057 00:38:30,680 --> 00:38:32,350 - Let's go. - Joel?! 1058 00:38:32,550 --> 00:38:34,560 [alarmed murmuring] 1059 00:38:34,760 --> 00:38:37,900 [cantor singing in Hebrew] 1060 00:38:38,100 --> 00:38:40,020 [siren wailing in distance] 1061 00:38:43,690 --> 00:38:45,700 You rang? 1062 00:38:45,900 --> 00:38:47,740 Pretty dramatic place to meet. 1063 00:38:47,940 --> 00:38:50,490 Where is everybody? Where's the family? 1064 00:38:50,700 --> 00:38:52,290 Miriam? 1065 00:38:52,490 --> 00:38:53,710 Joel's been arrested. 1066 00:38:53,910 --> 00:38:56,790 - What? When? - About an hour ago. 1067 00:38:56,990 --> 00:38:58,630 Right in the middle of services. 1068 00:38:58,830 --> 00:39:00,540 Holy shit. For what? 1069 00:39:02,590 --> 00:39:05,050 - Oh, I think you know. - No, I don't. 1070 00:39:05,250 --> 00:39:08,430 Racketeering, wire fraud, money laundering. 1071 00:39:08,630 --> 00:39:11,180 Jesus, that's... that's terrible. 1072 00:39:11,380 --> 00:39:12,600 Yes, it is. 1073 00:39:12,800 --> 00:39:14,310 What? 1074 00:39:14,510 --> 00:39:15,900 He did this for me. 1075 00:39:16,100 --> 00:39:17,730 For you? What are you talking about? 1076 00:39:17,930 --> 00:39:19,520 You sold me to Frank and Nicky. 1077 00:39:19,720 --> 00:39:22,030 - You sold me to the mob. - I did not. 1078 00:39:22,230 --> 00:39:24,320 And Joel made a trade years ago. 1079 00:39:24,520 --> 00:39:26,320 Him for me. It's all here. 1080 00:39:26,520 --> 00:39:29,120 - Miriam... - He'll be in jail for years, Susie. 1081 00:39:29,320 --> 00:39:30,280 Now, wait a minute. 1082 00:39:30,480 --> 00:39:31,950 You knew I was involved with those guys. 1083 00:39:32,150 --> 00:39:33,290 You knew Frank and Nicky. 1084 00:39:33,490 --> 00:39:35,080 But you told me I was free of them, 1085 00:39:35,280 --> 00:39:37,960 and I wasn't, not until Joel did what he did. 1086 00:39:38,160 --> 00:39:40,630 Okay, news flash. This is show business, lady. 1087 00:39:40,830 --> 00:39:43,010 - You lied to me. - That's show business, too. 1088 00:39:43,210 --> 00:39:44,720 Don't talk down to me. 1089 00:39:44,920 --> 00:39:47,470 When you and I started, those guys owned everyone. 1090 00:39:47,670 --> 00:39:50,260 Everyone who had no one looking out for them. 1091 00:39:50,460 --> 00:39:52,090 Oh, now don't talk down to me. 1092 00:39:55,140 --> 00:39:58,190 Who owns you now, Susie, today? 1093 00:39:58,390 --> 00:40:01,110 Who owns me? I own myself. 1094 00:40:01,310 --> 00:40:03,030 - That's not what people tell me. - What people? 1095 00:40:03,230 --> 00:40:05,440 They say all these casinos you've been booking me in 1096 00:40:05,650 --> 00:40:08,030 is to pay off your goddamn gambling debts. 1097 00:40:08,230 --> 00:40:09,870 Oh, so let me get this straight. You're saying you hate 1098 00:40:10,070 --> 00:40:12,030 those big casino paychecks? 1099 00:40:12,240 --> 00:40:13,700 Huh? The suites with the private pools, 1100 00:40:13,900 --> 00:40:15,200 that's making you feel owned? 1101 00:40:15,400 --> 00:40:17,160 I didn't want to do those casino gigs, Susie, 1102 00:40:17,370 --> 00:40:20,210 - but you kept pushing and pushing. - Not true! 1103 00:40:20,410 --> 00:40:22,670 I've been on the road for 15 years, I needed a break. 1104 00:40:22,870 --> 00:40:24,760 And you slammed me into three shows a night, 1105 00:40:24,960 --> 00:40:25,880 six nights a week. 1106 00:40:26,080 --> 00:40:28,380 Christmas off, Thanksgiving off, Hanukkah off! 1107 00:40:28,580 --> 00:40:30,010 No one gets fucking Hanukkah off. 1108 00:40:30,210 --> 00:40:31,760 Jackie Mason doesn't get Hanukkah off. 1109 00:40:31,960 --> 00:40:34,390 How much do you owe Caesars, Susie? Harrah's? 1110 00:40:34,590 --> 00:40:35,850 - Hold on. - The Flamingo? 1111 00:40:36,050 --> 00:40:37,730 - The Sands? - Who are these people telling you all of this? 1112 00:40:37,930 --> 00:40:38,730 I want names. 1113 00:40:38,930 --> 00:40:41,480 Why, so you can blackball them? 1114 00:40:41,680 --> 00:40:45,280 - Or worse? - Or worse? 1115 00:40:45,480 --> 00:40:48,700 Miriam, you know me. You know who I am. 1116 00:40:48,900 --> 00:40:50,070 Do I? 1117 00:40:50,270 --> 00:40:52,280 Twenty-five years you've known me. We're friends. 1118 00:40:52,480 --> 00:40:54,830 Friends? 1119 00:40:55,030 --> 00:40:57,540 Boy, that's convenient. 1120 00:40:57,740 --> 00:40:59,210 The first time you call me a friend 1121 00:40:59,410 --> 00:41:00,660 is when you're caught. 1122 00:41:03,750 --> 00:41:05,920 My team's gonna order an audit of your books. 1123 00:41:06,120 --> 00:41:08,550 - An audit? - I hope you don't fight them. 1124 00:41:08,750 --> 00:41:10,180 You used to trust me. 1125 00:41:10,380 --> 00:41:12,550 You sound like George Toledano now. 1126 00:41:12,750 --> 00:41:14,680 In fact, this is exactly what he did to Gordon. 1127 00:41:14,880 --> 00:41:16,720 Made deals behind his back. 1128 00:41:16,920 --> 00:41:18,430 It's what got him fired. 1129 00:41:18,630 --> 00:41:20,520 You're comparing me to George Toledano? 1130 00:41:20,720 --> 00:41:23,440 Fuck you! You are a star because of me. 1131 00:41:23,640 --> 00:41:24,610 Or in spite of you. 1132 00:41:24,810 --> 00:41:27,190 You were a housewife. You were nothing. 1133 00:41:27,390 --> 00:41:28,690 You should leave. 1134 00:41:28,890 --> 00:41:30,280 I'm not leaving. 1135 00:41:30,480 --> 00:41:32,200 Al is right outside the door. 1136 00:41:32,400 --> 00:41:33,820 Oh, you're gonna have your security 1137 00:41:34,030 --> 00:41:35,160 escort me out of the building? 1138 00:41:35,360 --> 00:41:37,030 Are you fucking kidding me?! 1139 00:41:39,240 --> 00:41:42,750 Fine. I got what I needed out of you. 1140 00:41:42,950 --> 00:41:44,000 Wish I could say the same. 1141 00:41:44,200 --> 00:41:47,050 You ungrateful cunt. 1142 00:41:47,250 --> 00:41:51,880 This is how I'm gonna remember you, Susie. 1143 00:41:52,080 --> 00:41:54,880 Small. 1144 00:41:59,720 --> 00:42:01,940 - [laughter] - [Stewart] Well, it's that time 1145 00:42:02,140 --> 00:42:03,520 nobody's been waiting for. 1146 00:42:03,720 --> 00:42:07,070 Buckle up, because I bring you our guest of honor... 1147 00:42:07,270 --> 00:42:09,030 - and she's not here. - [laughter] 1148 00:42:09,230 --> 00:42:12,450 What the hell? I thought we locked the doors. 1149 00:42:12,650 --> 00:42:14,490 - [♪ The B-52's: "Roam"] - ♪ Around the world ♪ 1150 00:42:14,690 --> 00:42:18,620 ♪ The trip begins with a kiss... 1151 00:42:18,820 --> 00:42:21,660 I bowl with the gals from The B-52's. 1152 00:42:21,860 --> 00:42:23,790 I'm gonna tell them to book you in their next video. 1153 00:42:23,990 --> 00:42:25,330 You're phenomenal. 1154 00:42:25,530 --> 00:42:28,210 - You're up, boss. - Christ on the cross, all right. 1155 00:42:28,410 --> 00:42:30,210 Adios, amigos. 1156 00:42:30,410 --> 00:42:33,380 ♪ Without wings, without wheels ♪♪ 1157 00:42:33,580 --> 00:42:34,590 Susie, good. 1158 00:42:34,790 --> 00:42:36,930 - Hope everything came out okay. - [laughter] 1159 00:42:37,130 --> 00:42:39,270 Our guest of honor, everyone, Susie Myerson. 1160 00:42:39,470 --> 00:42:42,720 [cheering and applause] 1161 00:42:45,520 --> 00:42:48,770 Wow. Over 30 years in the business, 1162 00:42:48,970 --> 00:42:51,280 and this is who shows up to celebrate me. 1163 00:42:51,480 --> 00:42:54,660 - It's a real who's who of who gives a fuck. - [laughter] 1164 00:42:54,860 --> 00:42:56,530 I mean, I haven't been this uninterested 1165 00:42:56,730 --> 00:42:58,780 in what a group of people had to say since that time 1166 00:42:58,980 --> 00:43:01,410 - I went to an AA meeting. - [laughter] 1167 00:43:01,610 --> 00:43:05,580 Now, what's there to say about Aaron Lebowitz? 1168 00:43:05,780 --> 00:43:09,460 This man has a roster of some of the best comics 1169 00:43:09,660 --> 00:43:11,460 that I dropped five years ago. 1170 00:43:11,660 --> 00:43:12,460 [laughter] 1171 00:43:12,670 --> 00:43:13,970 They're funnier than that joke. 1172 00:43:14,170 --> 00:43:16,260 Face it, you are the Jim Belushi of managers 1173 00:43:16,460 --> 00:43:19,260 who couldn't even sign Jim Belushi. 1174 00:43:19,460 --> 00:43:21,720 And Carmine, wow. 1175 00:43:21,920 --> 00:43:24,020 I will say this. You have one of the most 1176 00:43:24,220 --> 00:43:25,730 unique acts in comedy. 1177 00:43:25,930 --> 00:43:27,900 Unfortunately it's Sam Kinison's. 1178 00:43:28,100 --> 00:43:29,730 [laughter] 1179 00:43:29,930 --> 00:43:32,360 Before I got up here, I found out 1180 00:43:32,560 --> 00:43:34,200 this isn't a paid gig for any of you, 1181 00:43:34,400 --> 00:43:35,990 which means my ass isn't getting paid either, 1182 00:43:36,190 --> 00:43:37,450 so I'll make it fucking brief. 1183 00:43:37,650 --> 00:43:38,780 [laughter] 1184 00:43:38,980 --> 00:43:42,160 I'm supposed to say something sincere now, yeah? 1185 00:43:42,360 --> 00:43:46,500 Okay. Uh, you know, this is the only business 1186 00:43:46,700 --> 00:43:49,380 that would ever put up with a bitch like me. 1187 00:43:49,580 --> 00:43:53,760 - Suckers! - [cheering and applause] 1188 00:43:53,960 --> 00:43:56,130 Always an inspiration. Thank you, Susie. 1189 00:43:56,330 --> 00:43:57,890 - You get the cream puffs? - Right here. 1190 00:43:58,090 --> 00:43:59,300 Get my car. 1191 00:43:59,500 --> 00:44:01,390 Now hold it right there, young lady. 1192 00:44:01,590 --> 00:44:02,770 We got one more thing to throw at you. 1193 00:44:02,970 --> 00:44:06,520 - Ah, fuck me with a fork. - [laughter] 1194 00:44:06,720 --> 00:44:10,900 We have a special video tribute. Fun, huh? 1195 00:44:11,100 --> 00:44:12,730 You'll like this. 1196 00:44:12,930 --> 00:44:15,070 Lower the screen, guys. 1197 00:44:15,270 --> 00:44:16,530 Okay, what's the rush? 1198 00:44:16,730 --> 00:44:18,610 Do we or do we not have the latest 1199 00:44:18,810 --> 00:44:20,990 in cutting-edge technology, people? 1200 00:44:21,190 --> 00:44:22,950 Come on, come on. 1201 00:44:23,150 --> 00:44:24,870 Dim the lights, guys. 1202 00:44:26,910 --> 00:44:28,790 [staticky distorted voice] 1203 00:44:28,990 --> 00:44:31,090 - [Imogene] Fuckity-fuck. - What the hell is this? 1204 00:44:31,290 --> 00:44:33,630 [distorted voices] 1205 00:44:33,830 --> 00:44:35,960 [audience murmuring] 1206 00:44:38,000 --> 00:44:40,680 [Midge] Forget the tripod, you're not making Citizen Kane. 1207 00:44:40,880 --> 00:44:41,970 [woman] No. No way in hell. 1208 00:44:44,550 --> 00:44:46,730 [cheering and applause] 1209 00:44:46,930 --> 00:44:49,520 Okay. While my friend Imogene performs 1210 00:44:49,720 --> 00:44:51,560 variations on scenes from Chinatown, 1211 00:44:51,760 --> 00:44:52,560 let me proceed. 1212 00:44:52,770 --> 00:44:56,030 So, hey there. 1213 00:44:56,230 --> 00:44:59,410 - Have you had fun trying to avoid saying my name all night? - [laughter] 1214 00:44:59,610 --> 00:45:01,490 Hope none of you had the breaded shrimp. 1215 00:45:01,690 --> 00:45:02,870 They've been in the freezer since the last time 1216 00:45:03,070 --> 00:45:04,490 Jerry Lewis was funny. 1217 00:45:04,690 --> 00:45:06,870 - [laughter] - You know, I thought about making a sex tape 1218 00:45:07,070 --> 00:45:08,750 just to crank this party up a notch, 1219 00:45:08,950 --> 00:45:10,710 - but I was afraid it would get laughs. - [laughter] 1220 00:45:10,910 --> 00:45:13,130 I'm sorry I couldn't be there in person tonight, 1221 00:45:13,330 --> 00:45:15,000 although I dressed for the occasion. 1222 00:45:15,200 --> 00:45:16,880 I'm actually in New Mexico. 1223 00:45:17,080 --> 00:45:19,050 - [Imogene] Kansas. - Kansas. Sorry. 1224 00:45:19,250 --> 00:45:22,760 - I was wondering why New Mexico had a Wizard of Oz museum. - [laughter] 1225 00:45:22,960 --> 00:45:24,180 Now, a lot of you have said 1226 00:45:24,380 --> 00:45:26,430 a lot of appropriately inappropriate things 1227 00:45:26,630 --> 00:45:27,930 about Susie Myerson tonight, 1228 00:45:28,130 --> 00:45:29,230 most of which is probably earned 1229 00:45:29,430 --> 00:45:30,850 and half of which is probably true, 1230 00:45:31,050 --> 00:45:32,560 so you've got that covered. 1231 00:45:32,760 --> 00:45:33,940 What I'm here to say 1232 00:45:34,140 --> 00:45:38,150 is that Susie made me what I am today. 1233 00:45:38,350 --> 00:45:42,110 She saw a nervous breakdown and turned it into a career. 1234 00:45:42,310 --> 00:45:44,950 No, a life. 1235 00:45:45,150 --> 00:45:46,700 I don't know if I ever really thanked you 1236 00:45:46,900 --> 00:45:48,870 for that, Susie. 1237 00:45:49,070 --> 00:45:51,170 Don't get me wrong, we had our spats. 1238 00:45:51,370 --> 00:45:54,130 Oh, many, many spats. 1239 00:45:54,330 --> 00:45:57,380 And one really big one towards the end. 1240 00:45:57,580 --> 00:46:00,090 But we had our good times, too. 1241 00:46:00,290 --> 00:46:02,220 I've gotten to hang out with some of the funniest people 1242 00:46:02,420 --> 00:46:06,010 on the planet, but no one's made me laugh like Susie. 1243 00:46:06,210 --> 00:46:07,310 [audience] [scattered] Aw. 1244 00:46:07,510 --> 00:46:09,060 I've gotten a little nostalgic lately 1245 00:46:09,260 --> 00:46:11,310 thinking about those years. 1246 00:46:11,510 --> 00:46:14,440 Remember the plunger? Do you have that still? 1247 00:46:14,640 --> 00:46:19,400 And the arthritis telethon and hiding from Sophie Lennon. 1248 00:46:19,600 --> 00:46:22,200 "Doink"? Remember "doink"? 1249 00:46:22,400 --> 00:46:25,120 And the smell of the Gaslight. 1250 00:46:25,320 --> 00:46:27,200 Jackie. 1251 00:46:27,400 --> 00:46:29,330 I was thinking about Jackie the other day. 1252 00:46:29,530 --> 00:46:32,240 I still miss that weirdo. 1253 00:46:34,700 --> 00:46:36,460 What do you say... 1254 00:46:36,660 --> 00:46:38,250 What do you say we get together 1255 00:46:38,450 --> 00:46:40,130 next time I'm back in town? 1256 00:46:40,330 --> 00:46:43,380 We'll meet on neutral turf, anywhere you want. 1257 00:46:43,580 --> 00:46:44,640 Anywhere but a synagogue. 1258 00:46:44,840 --> 00:46:46,350 The Jews have suffered enough. 1259 00:46:46,550 --> 00:46:48,760 [laughter] 1260 00:46:48,960 --> 00:46:51,810 I hope you want to do that, and soon, 'cause 1261 00:46:52,010 --> 00:46:55,770 we are not getting any younger. 1262 00:46:55,970 --> 00:46:58,940 So... 1263 00:46:59,140 --> 00:47:00,980 tits up, old friend. 1264 00:47:01,190 --> 00:47:03,950 - [audience] [scattered] Aw. - Tits up. 1265 00:47:04,150 --> 00:47:08,780 And I hope to see you soon. 1266 00:47:08,980 --> 00:47:11,120 [crying] 1267 00:47:11,320 --> 00:47:13,370 - You got to turn off the camera. - [laughter] 1268 00:47:13,570 --> 00:47:15,000 [Imogene] I can't find the button. 1269 00:47:15,200 --> 00:47:17,080 [Midge] It's the same button you pushed to turn it on. 1270 00:47:17,280 --> 00:47:18,460 [Imogene] Fuckity-fuck. 1271 00:47:18,660 --> 00:47:20,880 [Midge] Right there. It's the little red... 1272 00:47:21,080 --> 00:47:22,590 How's that for a finale, people? 1273 00:47:22,790 --> 00:47:24,050 [cheering and applause] 1274 00:47:26,090 --> 00:47:28,350 - Get me a number for Midge. - Her girl just called it in. 1275 00:47:28,550 --> 00:47:30,470 Car's all ready. 1276 00:47:30,670 --> 00:47:32,850 [Stewart] Thank you all for coming. 1277 00:47:33,050 --> 00:47:35,350 Oh, and no one gets out without pitching in 1278 00:47:35,550 --> 00:47:36,770 at least a hundred bucks 1279 00:47:36,970 --> 00:47:38,730 to the Jackie Dellapietra Foundation. 1280 00:47:38,930 --> 00:47:39,940 [Susie] At least. 1281 00:47:40,140 --> 00:47:42,060 [cheering and applause] 1282 00:47:44,770 --> 00:47:46,780 [♪ Elton John: "Love Song"] 1283 00:48:01,210 --> 00:48:02,710 [car door opens] 1284 00:48:02,910 --> 00:48:04,590 Think I'm gonna walk home, Dennis. 1285 00:48:04,790 --> 00:48:06,470 Nice night for it, ma'am. 1286 00:48:06,670 --> 00:48:08,510 Yeah. Nice night. 1287 00:48:08,710 --> 00:48:11,560 ♪ The words I have to say ♪ 1288 00:48:11,760 --> 00:48:16,640 ♪ May well be simple, but they're true ♪ 1289 00:48:20,230 --> 00:48:23,110 {\an8}♪ Until you give your love ♪ 1290 00:48:23,310 --> 00:48:28,480 {\an8}♪ There's nothing more that we can do ♪ 1291 00:48:32,990 --> 00:48:37,450 {\an8}♪ Love is the opening door ♪ 1292 00:48:38,580 --> 00:48:44,300 {\an8}♪ Love is what we came here for ♪ 1293 00:48:44,500 --> 00:48:49,720 {\an8}♪ No one could offer you more ♪ 1294 00:48:49,920 --> 00:48:53,340 {\an8}♪ Do you know what I mean? ♪ 1295 00:48:55,640 --> 00:48:58,850 {\an8}♪ Have your eyes really seen? ♪ 1296 00:49:03,480 --> 00:49:06,610 {\an8}♪ You say it's very hard ♪ 1297 00:49:06,810 --> 00:49:11,280 {\an8}♪ To leave behind the life we knew ♪ 1298 00:49:15,320 --> 00:49:18,330 {\an8}♪ But there's no other way ♪ 1299 00:49:18,530 --> 00:49:22,910 {\an8}♪ And now it's really up to you ♪ 1300 00:49:28,130 --> 00:49:33,600 {\an8}♪ Love is the key we must turn ♪ 1301 00:49:33,800 --> 00:49:39,350 {\an8}♪ Truth is the flame we must burn ♪ 1302 00:49:39,550 --> 00:49:44,730 {\an8}♪ Freedom the lesson we must learn ♪ 1303 00:49:44,930 --> 00:49:48,270 {\an8}♪ Do you know what I mean? ♪ 1304 00:49:50,610 --> 00:49:55,580 {\an8}♪ Have your eyes really seen? ♪ 1305 00:49:55,780 --> 00:49:58,660 {\an8}[indistinct chatter] 1306 00:49:58,860 --> 00:50:01,240 {\an8}[vocalizing] 1307 00:50:11,460 --> 00:50:17,260 {\an8}♪ Love is the opening door ♪ 1308 00:50:17,460 --> 00:50:22,890 {\an8}♪ Love is what we came here for ♪ 1309 00:50:23,100 --> 00:50:27,320 {\an8}♪ No one could offer you more ♪ 1310 00:50:27,520 --> 00:50:31,860 {\an8}♪ Do you know what I mean? ♪ 1311 00:50:34,150 --> 00:50:37,490 {\an8}♪ Have your eyes really seen? ♪ 1312 00:50:39,910 --> 00:50:43,290 {\an8}♪ Do you know what I mean? ♪♪