1
00:00:07,299 --> 00:00:09,260
<i>- [indistinct chatter]
- [buzzer sounds]</i>

2
00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:10,904
<i>[man over P.A.] 2820 and 1611,
you have visitors.</i>

3
00:00:10,928 --> 00:00:13,347
<i>2820 and 1611.</i>

4
00:00:15,933 --> 00:00:17,852
All right, time's up. Let's go.

5
00:00:17,935 --> 00:00:21,147
Really? You started without me?

6
00:00:21,230 --> 00:00:23,899
- Take them. They're stale.
- Hey,

7
00:00:23,983 --> 00:00:25,460
to me, they're like
the black and whites

8
00:00:25,484 --> 00:00:27,194
from William Greenberg.

9
00:00:27,278 --> 00:00:29,905
So, what's new?
Who's shanking who?

10
00:00:29,989 --> 00:00:32,074
Please, the only battles in here

11
00:00:32,158 --> 00:00:33,826
are over sections
of the <i>Financial Times.</i>

12
00:00:33,909 --> 00:00:36,787
- Yeah.
- My kingdom for a fistfight.

13
00:00:36,871 --> 00:00:39,248
- What's that?
- The headshots you asked for.

14
00:00:39,331 --> 00:00:41,459
- Oh, you remembered.
- Imogene remembered.

15
00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:43,437
I didn't personalize them,
but if you give me names,

16
00:00:43,461 --> 00:00:44,962
- I'm happy to.
- Oh.

17
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:46,088
Oh? What's with the "oh"?

18
00:00:46,172 --> 00:00:48,299
- You got any older ones?
- Older ones?

19
00:00:48,382 --> 00:00:49,383
Yeah, like, from the USO?

20
00:00:49,467 --> 00:00:51,177
The panty pose? You're kidding.

21
00:00:51,260 --> 00:00:52,320
I think that'll
be better for what

22
00:00:52,344 --> 00:00:53,405
the guys are gonna use 'em for.

23
00:00:53,429 --> 00:00:54,764
They're gonna jerk off to them?

24
00:00:54,847 --> 00:00:56,390
They ain't casting
the spring musical.

25
00:00:56,474 --> 00:00:59,143
- And they can't jerk off to this?
- They can.

26
00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:00,978
Of course they can.
I look fucking amazing.

27
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:03,564
Hey, buddy,
this doing anything for you?

28
00:01:03,647 --> 00:01:05,983
- Midge.
- Fine. Give me those back.

29
00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:08,486
I'll have Imogene dig up
the USO shots,

30
00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:10,112
and I'll bring them
next month, okay?

31
00:01:10,196 --> 00:01:11,947
Thank you for your service.

32
00:01:12,031 --> 00:01:13,592
I'm a little nervous now
about showing you

33
00:01:13,616 --> 00:01:15,242
this next picture.

34
00:01:17,870 --> 00:01:20,080
Aw, little Rose on the kibbutz.

35
00:01:20,164 --> 00:01:22,625
Wearing vertical
and horizontal stripes.

36
00:01:22,708 --> 00:01:24,960
My mother is rolling over
in her grave.

37
00:01:25,044 --> 00:01:26,229
Tell her she'll meet
her grandfather

38
00:01:26,253 --> 00:01:27,893
in four to six months,
with good behavior.

39
00:01:27,922 --> 00:01:30,132
Just what every little girl
wants to hear.

40
00:01:30,216 --> 00:01:33,511
- Hey, question.
- Yeah?

41
00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:35,572
- Why do you keep coming here?
- For the pat-downs.

42
00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:36,740
You shouldn't
be able to come here.

43
00:01:36,764 --> 00:01:37,824
You should be out on the road.

44
00:01:37,848 --> 00:01:39,391
I need to buy new luggage first.

45
00:01:39,475 --> 00:01:40,559
You should be performing.

46
00:01:40,643 --> 00:01:42,061
- I am.
- You're selling wigs.

47
00:01:42,144 --> 00:01:44,230
I'm selling high-quality dreams.

48
00:01:44,313 --> 00:01:45,356
Of having more hair.

49
00:01:45,439 --> 00:01:46,816
I'm diversifying.

50
00:01:46,899 --> 00:01:48,459
Aren't you always
telling me to do that?

51
00:01:48,484 --> 00:01:50,629
I thought you'd be pleased.
Do you know how much I'm making

52
00:01:50,653 --> 00:01:51,797
- on this wig line?
- Susie...

53
00:01:51,821 --> 00:01:53,322
- Don't.
- She would hate this.

54
00:01:53,405 --> 00:01:54,966
I don't really care
what Susie would think.

55
00:01:54,990 --> 00:01:56,843
- Look, I'm just saying...
- And I'm just saying

56
00:01:56,867 --> 00:01:58,327
I can take care of myself.

57
00:01:58,410 --> 00:02:00,412
You don't have to always
be looking out for me.

58
00:02:00,496 --> 00:02:01,664
I like looking out for you.

59
00:02:01,747 --> 00:02:02,873
And look where that got you.

60
00:02:04,166 --> 00:02:05,209
<i>[Joel] Holy shit.</i>

61
00:02:05,292 --> 00:02:06,877
- [bell tolling]
- Here's another one.

62
00:02:06,961 --> 00:02:09,255
This place is really
crawling with them.

63
00:02:09,338 --> 00:02:10,698
Temples, you get
one Star of David.

64
00:02:10,756 --> 00:02:12,967
Somehow, it still gets
the point across.

65
00:02:13,050 --> 00:02:15,904
- Don't worry, we'll just rip her right out of there.
- [Reverend Mother] What?

66
00:02:15,928 --> 00:02:17,680
[Joel] And it'll be done

67
00:02:17,763 --> 00:02:19,807
with the utmost respect
and care, Reverend Mother.

68
00:02:19,890 --> 00:02:21,517
Oh, yeah, absolutely.

69
00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:24,103
You got rebar in here,
Reverend Mother?

70
00:02:24,186 --> 00:02:26,647
- In all these columns?
- [Reverend Mother] What's rebar?

71
00:02:26,730 --> 00:02:28,190
You gonna help me
out here or what?

72
00:02:28,274 --> 00:02:31,861
There it is.
St. Xavier's School for Boys.

73
00:02:31,944 --> 00:02:33,654
I got nuns staring daggers.

74
00:02:33,737 --> 00:02:36,699
I went in a boy,
came out a broken soul.

75
00:02:36,782 --> 00:02:39,368
And look at you now,
turning it into a supper club

76
00:02:39,451 --> 00:02:40,891
and about to make
a mountain of cash.

77
00:02:40,953 --> 00:02:42,413
That's my kind of broken soul.

78
00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:44,915
The rulers were always new.
Where did the old ones go?

79
00:02:44,999 --> 00:02:46,542
- Look at the ceiling.
- [scoffs]

80
00:02:46,625 --> 00:02:48,854
That's what the Reverend Mother
said whenever she smacked me.

81
00:02:48,878 --> 00:02:50,379
Great ceiling.

82
00:02:50,462 --> 00:02:52,131
- This was your idea.
- I know.

83
00:02:52,214 --> 00:02:55,342
And it was a great idea.
This room, with a stage?

84
00:02:55,426 --> 00:02:57,469
And they've already got
a kitchen and a parking lot,

85
00:02:57,553 --> 00:02:58,822
so people can drive in
from Jersey.

86
00:02:58,846 --> 00:03:00,347
- I know.
- A parking lot, Arch.

87
00:03:00,431 --> 00:03:02,534
- I know.
- We've been looking for a place like this for months.

88
00:03:02,558 --> 00:03:04,369
- I know!
- But if you're gonna have a nervous breakdown

89
00:03:04,393 --> 00:03:06,186
- every time you come here...
- No, I won't.

90
00:03:06,270 --> 00:03:08,147
I'm fine. Honest. Run.

91
00:03:08,230 --> 00:03:09,940
Because we'd have to
start all over.

92
00:03:10,024 --> 00:03:11,624
Places like this
are few and far between.

93
00:03:11,650 --> 00:03:13,461
You sure you don't want
to take me out to that place

94
00:03:13,485 --> 00:03:14,845
you scoped out
in the East Village?

95
00:03:14,904 --> 00:03:17,156
- You were so excited about it.
- Nope. It's jinxed.

96
00:03:17,239 --> 00:03:19,319
The minute I stepped in
and spotted Susie's two goons

97
00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:20,743
from that
waste management show...

98
00:03:20,826 --> 00:03:22,906
- I remember this cabinet.
- I don't like those guys.

99
00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:24,246
I used to hide in this cabinet.

100
00:03:24,330 --> 00:03:25,640
If they're around Susie,
then they're around Midge.

101
00:03:25,664 --> 00:03:26,725
I don't want 'em around Midge.

102
00:03:26,749 --> 00:03:27,809
I wonder if I could still fit.

103
00:03:27,833 --> 00:03:30,002
- Archie, stop.
- You stop.

104
00:03:30,085 --> 00:03:31,855
You've been obsessing
over those guys for weeks.

105
00:03:31,879 --> 00:03:33,106
Because they're
fucking mobsters.

106
00:03:33,130 --> 00:03:34,190
Have you talked
to Midge about them?

107
00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:36,425
No. I'm trying
not to be the bad guy

108
00:03:36,508 --> 00:03:37,718
every time I talk to her.

109
00:03:37,801 --> 00:03:39,970
But you're driving
yourself crazy. Talk to her.

110
00:03:40,054 --> 00:03:41,555
She'll appreciate your concern.

111
00:03:41,639 --> 00:03:43,515
- Would you...
- Aah! - Archie.

112
00:03:43,599 --> 00:03:45,935
I'm sorry, Reverend Mother.

113
00:03:46,018 --> 00:03:48,163
I see you still haven't learned
to straighten your tie.

114
00:03:48,187 --> 00:03:51,148
Would you both like
to stay for tea?

115
00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:52,983
Well, Reverend Mother,

116
00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:55,402
that's a very kind offer,
but we have to get going.

117
00:03:55,486 --> 00:03:57,863
You can take the tea away,
Sister Clementine.

118
00:03:57,947 --> 00:04:00,050
- They won't be staying.
- [Sister Clementine] Oh, you heard

119
00:04:00,074 --> 00:04:02,451
I'm a disaster with a teapot?

120
00:04:02,534 --> 00:04:03,994
Uh, no. [chuckles]

121
00:04:04,078 --> 00:04:06,413
- Clementine, was it?
- [chuckles]

122
00:04:06,497 --> 00:04:07,748
Are you flirting with a nun?

123
00:04:07,831 --> 00:04:08,916
She's flirting with me.

124
00:04:08,999 --> 00:04:10,000
Nuns don't flirt.

125
00:04:10,084 --> 00:04:12,336
Do you like honey in your tea?

126
00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:14,838
- Holy shit, she is.
- You know,

127
00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:17,091
however you like to make it
is how I like to take it.

128
00:04:17,174 --> 00:04:19,218
Oh, my God.

129
00:04:19,301 --> 00:04:21,720
You know, we're gonna turn this
into a supper club,

130
00:04:21,804 --> 00:04:24,723
so don't go giving up fun
for Lent.

131
00:04:24,807 --> 00:04:28,143
I do like music and dancing.

132
00:04:30,062 --> 00:04:31,355
Father, forgive me.

133
00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:32,731
<i>[Maggie] You tell her it's</i>

134
00:04:32,815 --> 00:04:35,234
Susie Myerson
and Associates calling.

135
00:04:35,317 --> 00:04:37,569
Who am I?
Why, are you gonna propose?

136
00:04:37,653 --> 00:04:38,988
Just give her the message.

137
00:04:40,322 --> 00:04:42,324
S-O-N. Myerson. Nothing fancy.

138
00:04:42,408 --> 00:04:45,077
And she has the number.
Yes, okay, goodbye.

139
00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:47,579
Excuse me, can I just
drop this off for Ms. Myerson?

140
00:04:47,663 --> 00:04:49,581
- Bin.
- Do you ever look through this?

141
00:04:49,665 --> 00:04:50,749
- It's full.
- Yes, dear.

142
00:04:50,833 --> 00:04:52,018
We look through the bin.
That's our job.

143
00:04:52,042 --> 00:04:53,186
[chuckles] There's dust on them.

144
00:04:53,210 --> 00:04:54,128
Then yours
will really stand out.

145
00:04:54,211 --> 00:04:55,355
Thank you for your materials.

146
00:04:55,379 --> 00:04:56,898
We look forward
to reviewing them. Good morning.

147
00:04:56,922 --> 00:04:59,242
I'm calling from Susie Myerson
and Associates for Ms. Dyer.

148
00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:01,051
Sure, I'll hold.
Excuse me, I need you

149
00:05:01,135 --> 00:05:02,487
to wait in line outside
with everyone else.

150
00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:04,280
Five minutes, I swear.
I'm the next Mort Sahl.

151
00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:06,032
In the line, Mort. Okay,
could I leave a message, then?

152
00:05:06,056 --> 00:05:08,559
Is that her in there?
Hey, Ms. Myerson.

153
00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:10,477
Shelly Liebenthal.
I got a tight five.

154
00:05:10,561 --> 00:05:12,330
Dinah, please. We got to close
this fucking door

155
00:05:12,354 --> 00:05:13,564
so these losers can't see me.

156
00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:15,566
They're not losers,
they're potential clients.

157
00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:17,460
- She's smaller than I pictured.
- [Susie] Alfie.

158
00:05:17,484 --> 00:05:19,045
You're killing me, you know
that? You're killing me.

159
00:05:19,069 --> 00:05:20,529
You sound upset.

160
00:05:20,612 --> 00:05:22,048
<i>- [Susie] You bought a fucking llama.</i>
- And?

161
00:05:22,072 --> 00:05:24,033
- Why?
<i>- Why does anyone buy a llama?</i>

162
00:05:24,116 --> 00:05:25,409
For my act, of course.

163
00:05:25,492 --> 00:05:27,429
- Her name is Catherine, by the way.
- [llama grunts]

164
00:05:27,453 --> 00:05:28,954
<i>- I don't care.</i>
- Well, she does.

165
00:05:29,038 --> 00:05:31,206
I am looking at a $2,000
room service bill.

166
00:05:31,290 --> 00:05:33,643
I know you don't eat, so I'm
gonna assume this is Catherine.

167
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,753
I always remind her
the salad is entrée sized,

168
00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:36,754
but she just won't listen.

169
00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:38,505
And the shitting.
It's got to stop.

170
00:05:38,589 --> 00:05:40,466
<i>I sincerely hope
you're talking about her now.</i>

171
00:05:40,549 --> 00:05:42,342
The Orpheum's pissed.
They sent a bill.

172
00:05:42,426 --> 00:05:43,945
They're gonna have to change
the carpet.

173
00:05:43,969 --> 00:05:45,888
Oh, dear.
I'll speak to Catherine.

174
00:05:45,971 --> 00:05:47,639
Just get her a crate, huh?

175
00:05:47,723 --> 00:05:49,409
And if you see her start
to squat, abracadabra,

176
00:05:49,433 --> 00:05:50,559
make it disappear.

177
00:05:50,642 --> 00:05:52,853
- [llama grunts]
- She's feeling judged.

178
00:05:52,936 --> 00:05:54,146
Goodbye.

179
00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:56,774
Just rent a llama.

180
00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:58,567
Hey, Dinah, we got her yet?

181
00:05:58,650 --> 00:05:59,818
Still leaving messages.

182
00:05:59,902 --> 00:06:02,988
- Keep trying. Maggie!
- [Maggie] Nothing.

183
00:06:03,072 --> 00:06:05,741
Don't look so worried, huh?
You'll get wrinkles.

184
00:06:05,824 --> 00:06:07,409
It's been a week.
Why haven't we heard?

185
00:06:07,493 --> 00:06:10,079
This is how it goes
with these Hollywood fucks.

186
00:06:10,162 --> 00:06:12,706
This part...
this is my part, Susie.

187
00:06:12,790 --> 00:06:14,976
I can feel it. I've never wanted
anything more in my life.

188
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:16,418
Believe me, I know.

189
00:06:16,502 --> 00:06:17,854
You haven't shut up
about it for two months.

190
00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:18,796
You're driving me crazy.

191
00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:20,380
[exhales] They must've hated me.

192
00:06:20,464 --> 00:06:22,800
You wouldn't have gotten three
callbacks if they hated you.

193
00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:24,569
"Her name was Diana,
but I knew her as DiDi."

194
00:06:24,593 --> 00:06:26,678
Do not do the scene for me
again. I will kill you

195
00:06:26,762 --> 00:06:28,522
- if you do that scene for me again.
- [sighs]

196
00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:30,033
- [Maggie] Susie, I got her!
- Maggie's got her!

197
00:06:30,057 --> 00:06:31,934
See? We got her.

198
00:06:35,521 --> 00:06:38,273
You go. You stay, you stay,

199
00:06:38,357 --> 00:06:40,484
- you stay, you go, you go.
- [man] What?

200
00:06:40,567 --> 00:06:44,113
Do me a favor,
find out if the voice is real.

201
00:06:44,196 --> 00:06:46,115
Helen. Susie Myerson.

202
00:06:46,198 --> 00:06:47,675
Thanks so much
for getting back to us.

203
00:06:47,699 --> 00:06:49,910
I've owed money to people
who call me less than you do.

204
00:06:49,993 --> 00:06:51,829
<i>[chuckles] What a nice
personal anecdote.</i>

205
00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:53,747
I am calling about my client,
James Howard.

206
00:06:53,831 --> 00:06:55,666
James is terrific.
A genuine talent.

207
00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:57,918
<i>- I adore James.</i>
- I appreciate the love,

208
00:06:58,001 --> 00:06:59,378
but how about an answer?

209
00:06:59,461 --> 00:07:00,587
<i>Soon as I have one.</i>

210
00:07:00,671 --> 00:07:02,297
Helen, is he still
in the running or not?

211
00:07:02,381 --> 00:07:05,008
<i>- He is.</i>
- Mm. And how many others is he running with?

212
00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:06,152
You know I can't tell you that.

213
00:07:06,176 --> 00:07:07,821
You like hearing your phone
ring all day, Helen?

214
00:07:07,845 --> 00:07:09,429
Jesus. If managing
doesn't work out,

215
00:07:09,513 --> 00:07:11,849
you got a real future
as a union boss.

216
00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:14,810
<i>- It's between him and one other.</i>
- Who is it? Dick Gregory?

217
00:07:14,893 --> 00:07:17,622
<i>- It's Dick Gregory, right?</i>
- Look, Ms. Myerson, if it were up to me...

218
00:07:17,646 --> 00:07:18,915
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I-It's not up to you?

219
00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:19,857
Who's it up to?

220
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,441
The producer, David Weston.

221
00:07:21,525 --> 00:07:23,402
So, what I'm hearing
is you have no power here?

222
00:07:23,485 --> 00:07:24,570
Well, that's not exactly...

223
00:07:24,653 --> 00:07:26,071
It's all about
this David Weston?

224
00:07:26,155 --> 00:07:27,340
I'm very important
in an advi...

225
00:07:27,364 --> 00:07:29,283
Goodbye.

226
00:07:29,366 --> 00:07:31,535
David Weston.

227
00:07:34,663 --> 00:07:35,914
What the hell?

228
00:07:35,998 --> 00:07:37,918
I don't know. She just
walked in and fell asleep.

229
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:39,543
- Miriam?
- Hi. I'm ready.

230
00:07:39,626 --> 00:07:41,044
When's the last time you slept?

231
00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:42,588
On the walk over.

232
00:07:42,671 --> 00:07:44,065
You know, you don't
have to work all day,

233
00:07:44,089 --> 00:07:45,150
then do a gig
every night, right?

234
00:07:45,174 --> 00:07:47,467
Every night. Got to stay sharp.

235
00:07:47,551 --> 00:07:48,635
You've got a day job.

236
00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:51,221
Here, open a vein,

237
00:07:51,305 --> 00:07:53,015
- pour this in.
- What'd she say?

238
00:07:53,098 --> 00:07:54,868
She loves you, you're
in the running, but it's not

239
00:07:54,892 --> 00:07:56,161
her decision,
it's the producer's.

240
00:07:56,185 --> 00:07:57,394
So, what should I do?

241
00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:58,830
I'm not good at waiting
around like this. I...

242
00:07:58,854 --> 00:07:59,980
Find a club, tell a joke,

243
00:08:00,063 --> 00:08:02,274
and don't come back here
until I call you.

244
00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:05,611
Hey! Don't you have work?

245
00:08:05,694 --> 00:08:07,029
[gasps] Is it morning or night?

246
00:08:07,112 --> 00:08:09,072
- Still morning.
- I got to get to work.

247
00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:11,259
- Where am I tonight, Dinah?
- Refer to the board, Midge.

248
00:08:11,283 --> 00:08:12,367
Which one am I?

249
00:08:12,451 --> 00:08:13,887
Look for your initials.
We've been through this.

250
00:08:13,911 --> 00:08:15,245
Yes, but there are two "M-M's."

251
00:08:15,329 --> 00:08:17,623
You are little "m-m."
Morty Minsk is the big "M-M."

252
00:08:17,706 --> 00:08:19,750
Why aren't I the big "M-M"?
I was here before Morty.

253
00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:21,352
I figured you'd want
to be more petite.

254
00:08:21,376 --> 00:08:22,920
Well, I do appreciate
that, Dinah,

255
00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:24,814
but can you also make your
big M's and your little m's

256
00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:26,006
look a little more different?

257
00:08:26,089 --> 00:08:27,525
The other night I showed up
for Morty's spot

258
00:08:27,549 --> 00:08:28,985
at The Bitter End,
and let me tell you,

259
00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:30,636
none of us liked that jazz set.

260
00:08:30,719 --> 00:08:31,821
How about you just
write "Midge"?

261
00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:33,305
I can't fit five letters.

262
00:08:33,388 --> 00:08:35,533
That would be too squished.
What about two little hearts?

263
00:08:35,557 --> 00:08:36,934
[yawns] Oh, that would be cute.

264
00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:38,953
Will you just get your
two little hearts out of here

265
00:08:38,977 --> 00:08:40,896
- and go focus on your day job.
- [groans]

266
00:08:40,979 --> 00:08:43,482
Is it morning or night?

267
00:08:43,565 --> 00:08:45,067
Battle station, girls,

268
00:08:45,150 --> 00:08:48,528
because we have a new target:
David Weston.

269
00:08:48,612 --> 00:08:50,423
Steak dinner to the first one
who gets him on the phone.

270
00:08:50,447 --> 00:08:51,907
On it.

271
00:08:51,990 --> 00:08:53,242
Could I get a baked potato?

272
00:08:53,325 --> 00:08:55,178
A steak dinner comes
with a baked potato, Maggie.

273
00:08:55,202 --> 00:08:57,079
Just the baked potato.
I don't need the steak.

274
00:08:57,162 --> 00:08:58,705
So don't eat the steak.

275
00:08:58,789 --> 00:09:00,767
Can't I just order the potato?
It seems like a waste of cow.

276
00:09:00,791 --> 00:09:02,668
You know what? Dinner's off.

277
00:09:02,751 --> 00:09:04,962
Just find David Weston.

278
00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:06,171
Okay, Midge, take your pick.

279
00:09:06,255 --> 00:09:08,048
The solar system
that's missing Earth

280
00:09:08,131 --> 00:09:09,216
or the volcano I dropped

281
00:09:09,299 --> 00:09:11,260
coming out of the subway
just now. Sorry.

282
00:09:11,343 --> 00:09:13,720
I don't know. They both
look like a "B," "B-plus."

283
00:09:13,804 --> 00:09:15,324
This is Ethan
we're talking about here.

284
00:09:15,389 --> 00:09:16,556
Hm...

285
00:09:18,976 --> 00:09:20,435
That's a solid "D-plus"
right there.

286
00:09:20,519 --> 00:09:22,312
- Sold.
- [coughs]

287
00:09:22,396 --> 00:09:24,856
- So nice of you to join us.
- Ooh.

288
00:09:24,940 --> 00:09:26,834
Didn't realize Johnnie Walker
made an aftershave.

289
00:09:26,858 --> 00:09:28,485
Don't shout. Everything hurts.

290
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:31,446
- Where were you last night?
- Down at 15th Street.

291
00:09:31,530 --> 00:09:33,782
I did a 7:00 set for the
doorman and the waitress.

292
00:09:33,865 --> 00:09:35,242
- Yeesh.
- [Mel] Yeesh, indeed.

293
00:09:35,325 --> 00:09:37,286
Until last night,
I'd never been heckled

294
00:09:37,369 --> 00:09:39,413
by the sound of a napkin
being folded.

295
00:09:39,496 --> 00:09:41,290
Oh, Midge, Reuben Salazar

296
00:09:41,373 --> 00:09:43,834
went on after me
and did your garter belt joke.

297
00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:46,461
Fucking Reuben.
Why steal that joke?

298
00:09:46,545 --> 00:09:48,505
- It doesn't even work for a guy.
- He did a voice.

299
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,090
I want to punch him in the face.

300
00:09:50,173 --> 00:09:52,968
Now, now, don't go doing that.
Let us punch him in the face.

301
00:09:53,051 --> 00:09:55,470
You fold up all five fingers,
right? That's a fist?

302
00:09:55,554 --> 00:09:57,306
Gordon wants to talk
about the monologue.

303
00:09:57,389 --> 00:09:59,975
- We haven't written it yet.
- He has ideas. Chop, chop.

304
00:10:00,058 --> 00:10:01,727
Ay yi yi.

305
00:10:01,810 --> 00:10:03,729
They're big fans of the show.

306
00:10:03,812 --> 00:10:05,856
- So was Ed Gein.
- Oh, come on, Gordy.

307
00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:07,417
He was. He sent letters
from the madhouse.

308
00:10:07,441 --> 00:10:08,501
They were deeply upsetting,

309
00:10:08,525 --> 00:10:09,836
but not nearly
as upsetting as this.

310
00:10:09,860 --> 00:10:11,820
- Who's Ed Gein?
- They based <i>Psycho</i> on him.

311
00:10:11,903 --> 00:10:12,946
He wore people's skin.

312
00:10:13,030 --> 00:10:14,031
Oh, my goodness.

313
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:15,341
[Adam] Nice to know
he's tuning in.

314
00:10:15,365 --> 00:10:17,492
Does that count
as two Nielsen views?

315
00:10:17,576 --> 00:10:20,037
Did stuff with the bones, too.
Made necklaces.

316
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:21,997
I don't want to know
what he made purses from.

317
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:24,000
Let's table this, guys,
and get to the monologue.

318
00:10:24,082 --> 00:10:25,667
Our topics lately...
the whole feel...

319
00:10:25,751 --> 00:10:27,919
- it's-it's off.
- [Alvin] Any specifics, boss?

320
00:10:28,003 --> 00:10:30,464
We're coming down awfully hard
on Debbie Reynolds lately.

321
00:10:30,547 --> 00:10:31,941
Mel? Anything you want
to add to that?

322
00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:34,259
- Left that wide open for you.
- Rain check.

323
00:10:34,343 --> 00:10:35,945
Hedy's feeling there's a little
too much women-bashing going on,

324
00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:37,220
so let's rethink this.

325
00:10:37,304 --> 00:10:38,990
Oh, maybe we can finally
get Debbie on the show.

326
00:10:39,014 --> 00:10:41,433
I'm sorry.
Why are you in here, Mike?

327
00:10:41,516 --> 00:10:43,518
- What?
- You're never in these meetings.

328
00:10:43,602 --> 00:10:45,413
I've been in these meetings
for the last five years, George.

329
00:10:45,437 --> 00:10:48,023
George, don't abuse Mike when
the person you're mad at is me.

330
00:10:48,106 --> 00:10:50,025
You? Why would I ever
be mad at you?

331
00:10:50,108 --> 00:10:51,818
George is absolutely furious
with me

332
00:10:51,902 --> 00:10:53,921
'cause I don't want to say the
words "Diddy Doo Diaper Cream"

333
00:10:53,945 --> 00:10:55,739
- on the show, or anywhere.
- [laughter]

334
00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:56,924
I shouldn't have
even said it just now.

335
00:10:56,948 --> 00:10:58,492
Okay, but you can't do a show

336
00:10:58,575 --> 00:11:00,243
without sponsors,
not last time I checked.

337
00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:02,120
We have sponsors.
Great sponsors.

338
00:11:02,204 --> 00:11:04,247
Chevy's a sponsor. I can talk
all night about Chevy.

339
00:11:04,331 --> 00:11:06,416
Well, Diddy Doo outbid Chevy.

340
00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:08,100
They're hungry.
They want to make a mark.

341
00:11:08,126 --> 00:11:09,771
They can make their mark
on someone else's show.

342
00:11:09,795 --> 00:11:11,296
You wanted to revamp the set.

343
00:11:11,380 --> 00:11:13,131
This'll pay for it,
and then some.

344
00:11:13,215 --> 00:11:15,509
Then I'll keep the set.
It's been a lucky set.

345
00:11:15,592 --> 00:11:16,861
Coming down hard
on Debbie Reynolds?

346
00:11:16,885 --> 00:11:18,345
Who are we,
her new husband's bookie?

347
00:11:18,428 --> 00:11:20,472
- Good to have you back, Mel.
- [George] Diddy Doo

348
00:11:20,555 --> 00:11:21,949
is a popular product
and it's a demographic

349
00:11:21,973 --> 00:11:23,058
we're trying to reach.

350
00:11:23,141 --> 00:11:25,018
Babies? We want babies
to watch the show?

351
00:11:25,102 --> 00:11:26,853
Not babies, their mothers.

352
00:11:26,937 --> 00:11:28,814
I've used Diddy Doo,
for what it's worth.

353
00:11:28,897 --> 00:11:30,607
I mean, not on me

354
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:33,402
personally, but...
Am I the only one?

355
00:11:34,986 --> 00:11:37,656
Well, cute jar, smells good,
but, weirdly, it gave me a rash.

356
00:11:37,739 --> 00:11:38,990
[laughter]

357
00:11:39,074 --> 00:11:41,094
I can't help but harken
back to our radio days, Georgie,

358
00:11:41,118 --> 00:11:42,470
when you got us sponsored
by that weed killer

359
00:11:42,494 --> 00:11:43,763
- Not the weed killer.
- that wound up killing

360
00:11:43,787 --> 00:11:45,372
not weeds
but a dozen senior citizens.

361
00:11:45,455 --> 00:11:47,040
Fourteen. I read about it.

362
00:11:47,124 --> 00:11:49,167
- Beats Ed Gein.
- Maybe they were using it wrong.

363
00:11:49,251 --> 00:11:50,851
A lot of empty houses
at bingo that week.

364
00:11:50,877 --> 00:11:52,838
Should we get back
to the monologue?

365
00:11:52,921 --> 00:11:54,089
Just meet the reps.

366
00:11:54,172 --> 00:11:55,441
They're coming to the show
tomorrow night.

367
00:11:55,465 --> 00:11:56,633
They're very excited.

368
00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:58,403
Plus, they're throwing
a little soiree after,

369
00:11:58,427 --> 00:12:00,720
a cruise on the Hudson,
all in your honor.

370
00:12:00,804 --> 00:12:01,721
Yeah, I'm not going to that.

371
00:12:01,805 --> 00:12:03,640
It will be very noticeable

372
00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:04,975
if you don't come.

373
00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:06,953
You didn't think it would be
a good idea to check

374
00:12:06,977 --> 00:12:08,162
with your star
before committing him

375
00:12:08,186 --> 00:12:09,539
to a boat ride
with the diaper rash gang?

376
00:12:09,563 --> 00:12:10,730
I'm sorry, Gordon, I...

377
00:12:10,814 --> 00:12:12,899
You didn't think to call?
We share a wall, George.

378
00:12:12,983 --> 00:12:14,335
You didn't want to do
your special knock?

379
00:12:14,359 --> 00:12:16,486
I should've checked with you.
I realize that now.

380
00:12:16,570 --> 00:12:19,090
- So, this is on you.
- I just didn't think you'd respond this way.

381
00:12:19,114 --> 00:12:20,633
You didn't think I'd maybe
not want to humiliate myself

382
00:12:20,657 --> 00:12:21,992
on national television?

383
00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:24,053
- You used to trust me.
- You used to listen to me.

384
00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:25,997
- Because the network said...
- Fuck the network!

385
00:12:28,457 --> 00:12:31,668
Now, if you don't mind,
I'd like to get back

386
00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:33,879
to things that we are actually
gonna do on the show.

387
00:12:33,962 --> 00:12:36,089
I'm sorry, Gordon.

388
00:12:36,173 --> 00:12:38,425
- My apologies.
- Thank you.

389
00:12:38,508 --> 00:12:40,748
Now, seriously, how are we gonna
kick things off tonight?

390
00:12:40,802 --> 00:12:43,096
Well, clearly,
you're coming out in a diaper.

391
00:12:43,180 --> 00:12:45,682
[laughter]

392
00:12:47,809 --> 00:12:50,169
- [Gordon] I say let's get political again.
<i>- [knock on door]</i>

393
00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:53,440
I'm busy.

394
00:12:53,523 --> 00:12:55,609
Listen, George,
I-I just wanted to say...

395
00:12:55,692 --> 00:12:57,694
I'm sorry, is this you
and David Ben-Gurion?

396
00:12:57,777 --> 00:12:59,029
Yes.

397
00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:00,322
But he's smiling.

398
00:13:00,405 --> 00:13:02,491
[George] He's actually
deeply funny.

399
00:13:02,574 --> 00:13:03,926
There something
I can help you with?

400
00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:06,244
Yes.

401
00:13:06,328 --> 00:13:08,264
I shouldn't have opened
my big fat mouth in there.

402
00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:09,206
It didn't help.

403
00:13:09,289 --> 00:13:10,207
I'll say.

404
00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:11,541
I'm sorry.

405
00:13:11,625 --> 00:13:14,419
Well, I appreciate
you saying that.

406
00:13:14,503 --> 00:13:16,606
And if there's anything
I can do to make it up to you,

407
00:13:16,630 --> 00:13:17,839
I am at your disposal.

408
00:13:17,923 --> 00:13:20,050
How on earth could you help me?

409
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:23,011
Well, that party tomorrow,
on the boat...

410
00:13:23,094 --> 00:13:25,430
- I could be your pinch hitter.
- A pinch hitter for whom?

411
00:13:25,514 --> 00:13:28,099
For Gordon. Sounds like
you need a little entertainment,

412
00:13:28,183 --> 00:13:30,268
and I'm a comic. I'm also a mom,

413
00:13:30,352 --> 00:13:31,853
and I've got
a million diaper jokes.

414
00:13:31,937 --> 00:13:34,231
I'm good with diapers, ergo
I'm good with diaper people.

415
00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:36,358
That's not a bad idea.

416
00:13:36,441 --> 00:13:38,336
Show them we got a girl writer
who likes the product.

417
00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:39,528
What time do we set sail?

418
00:13:39,611 --> 00:13:42,030
7:30. Don't mention your rash.

419
00:13:42,113 --> 00:13:43,615
My lips are sealed.

420
00:13:43,698 --> 00:13:46,326
- It is gone, isn't it?
- The rash?

421
00:13:46,409 --> 00:13:47,869
Yes, all clear.

422
00:13:47,953 --> 00:13:49,329
- Good.
- Want to check?

423
00:13:49,412 --> 00:13:51,873
No, thank you. Now get out.

424
00:13:51,957 --> 00:13:53,083
What are you gonna wear?

425
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:54,376
- Out.
- Okay.

426
00:13:54,459 --> 00:13:55,377
<i>[Shirley] Almost done.</i>

427
00:13:55,460 --> 00:13:56,670
Don't fidget.

428
00:13:56,753 --> 00:13:58,147
You don't have to do this,
Mrs. Weissman.

429
00:13:58,171 --> 00:14:01,216
Of course I do. Your earlobes
look positively naked.

430
00:14:01,299 --> 00:14:02,819
- It's obscene.
- But you've already...

431
00:14:02,884 --> 00:14:04,719
- Hey, I'm sewing here.
- Sorry.

432
00:14:04,803 --> 00:14:06,721
I think these will do
quite nicely.

433
00:14:06,805 --> 00:14:08,390
They were my
Grandmother Lehman's.

434
00:14:08,473 --> 00:14:10,684
An awful woman
with exquisite taste.

435
00:14:10,767 --> 00:14:14,062
- Oh, Mrs. Weissman...
- Oh, there goes the seam, Zelda.

436
00:14:14,145 --> 00:14:16,815
- Sorry. You've already done so much.
- [sighs]

437
00:14:16,898 --> 00:14:19,359
You let me have my special day
here, in this house,

438
00:14:19,442 --> 00:14:21,194
with all my memories
and cleaning products.

439
00:14:21,278 --> 00:14:23,363
Well, I certainly was not
gonna let you get married

440
00:14:23,446 --> 00:14:26,074
at city hall. That's a place
for third weddings,

441
00:14:26,157 --> 00:14:27,426
when everyone's given up on you.

442
00:14:27,450 --> 00:14:28,994
There.

443
00:14:29,077 --> 00:14:30,620
It wouldn't make it
through the hora,

444
00:14:30,704 --> 00:14:33,039
but coming down the hallway
should be fine.

445
00:14:33,123 --> 00:14:34,958
I found it.

446
00:14:35,041 --> 00:14:37,335
- Oh, Miriam, put that away.
- [Midge] Shirley, look.

447
00:14:37,419 --> 00:14:39,254
Oh.

448
00:14:39,337 --> 00:14:41,548
- There she is, on her wedding day.
- [gasps]

449
00:14:41,631 --> 00:14:43,842
Not a white rose left
on the Eastern Seaboard.

450
00:14:43,925 --> 00:14:47,262
My God, Rose. Were you
even thinner than you are now?

451
00:14:47,345 --> 00:14:49,222
I was, yes.

452
00:14:49,306 --> 00:14:51,016
And that dress, those shoes.

453
00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:52,726
Oh, they were beautiful shoes.

454
00:14:52,809 --> 00:14:54,853
Your mother has perfect feet
for shoes.

455
00:14:54,936 --> 00:14:56,313
- [fabric tears]
- Oops.

456
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:58,148
- Zelda.
- I had to move to see the picture.

457
00:14:58,231 --> 00:15:00,609
Help me help you. If you want
to wear an heirloom

458
00:15:00,692 --> 00:15:03,028
made of cotton candy, fine,
but do as I tell you,

459
00:15:03,111 --> 00:15:05,363
or you'll be taking your vows
in your underwear.

460
00:15:05,447 --> 00:15:08,283
I used to stare at this album
all the time growing up.

461
00:15:08,366 --> 00:15:10,118
Mama, you look so pretty.

462
00:15:10,201 --> 00:15:11,578
I do, don't I?

463
00:15:11,661 --> 00:15:14,122
And Papa looks so scared.

464
00:15:14,205 --> 00:15:15,624
He does, doesn't he?

465
00:15:15,707 --> 00:15:17,250
That's because he knew
what was coming.

466
00:15:17,334 --> 00:15:18,627
What? Mortgages?

467
00:15:18,710 --> 00:15:19,753
No, the wedding night.

468
00:15:19,836 --> 00:15:20,837
Oh, Shirley, please.

469
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:21,939
[Shirley] No, everyone thinks

470
00:15:21,963 --> 00:15:23,757
it's the ladies who are scared,

471
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:25,800
but we have mothers,
best friends,

472
00:15:25,884 --> 00:15:27,844
rabbis, school nurses,

473
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:30,722
magazines scaring
the shit out of us

474
00:15:30,805 --> 00:15:32,682
the minute we get
our first period.

475
00:15:32,766 --> 00:15:34,976
We're ready. The men, however...

476
00:15:35,060 --> 00:15:36,370
I really don't want
to talk about this.

477
00:15:36,394 --> 00:15:39,481
- Joel was ready.
- Am I invisible? Silent?

478
00:15:39,564 --> 00:15:41,792
Do words come out of my mouth
and disappear into the ether?

479
00:15:41,816 --> 00:15:43,902
I'm just saying,
that boat landed at Normandy,

480
00:15:43,985 --> 00:15:45,153
and he stormed the beach.

481
00:15:45,236 --> 00:15:46,279
That's my Joely.

482
00:15:46,363 --> 00:15:48,031
Miriam, this is nightclub talk.

483
00:15:48,114 --> 00:15:49,616
I am not listening to this.

484
00:15:49,699 --> 00:15:51,368
- Twice.
- Oh, my God.

485
00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:52,970
Plus, you two had been
doing it in your bedroom

486
00:15:52,994 --> 00:15:54,412
for two years prior.

487
00:15:55,789 --> 00:15:58,166
Mama, you look so pretty.

488
00:15:58,249 --> 00:15:59,584
<i>Here comes</i>

489
00:15:59,668 --> 00:16:02,003
the bride.
Get up, get up, get up.

490
00:16:02,087 --> 00:16:04,167
[♪ Chopin: "Prelude in D Flat
Major, Op. 28, No. 15"]

491
00:16:14,891 --> 00:16:17,477
If I could've had
ten minutes with his pants,

492
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:18,895
he'd look so much better.

493
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:20,814
I should've given him a suit.

494
00:16:20,897 --> 00:16:23,537
- We did all we could do. We have to let it go.
- [Piotr] Be seated.

495
00:16:29,781 --> 00:16:31,741
- How much longer is he gonna play?
- Hard to say.

496
00:16:31,825 --> 00:16:33,910
Is this a wedding or a recital?

497
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:35,328
This is Chopin, people.

498
00:16:35,412 --> 00:16:37,664
It's one of his most famous
works. It tells a story.

499
00:16:37,747 --> 00:16:39,791
You don't just stop.

500
00:16:39,874 --> 00:16:41,584
Chopin will forgive you, Papa.
Wrap it up.

501
00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:44,546
[plays "Shave and a Haircut,
Two Bits"]

502
00:16:44,629 --> 00:16:45,922
Happy?

503
00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:48,258
[Piotr] Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today

504
00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:51,386
to join together
this man and this woman

505
00:16:51,469 --> 00:16:52,971
in holy matrimony...

506
00:16:53,054 --> 00:16:54,740
Do you remember the day
Zelda arrived at our door?

507
00:16:54,764 --> 00:16:56,975
- No.
- [Piotr] ...signifying unto us the mystical

508
00:16:57,058 --> 00:16:59,310
union that betwixt Christ
and his Church...

509
00:16:59,394 --> 00:17:01,980
Well, we know what side he's on.

510
00:17:02,063 --> 00:17:03,732
Therefore, if any man present

511
00:17:03,815 --> 00:17:05,358
can show just cause

512
00:17:05,442 --> 00:17:07,485
why they may not be
lawfully joined together,

513
00:17:07,569 --> 00:17:09,779
let him now speak, or else,

514
00:17:09,863 --> 00:17:11,906
- hereafter, hold his peace.
- Mm.

515
00:17:11,990 --> 00:17:14,159
- [whispers indistinctly]
- [Piotr] And now, Zelda

516
00:17:14,242 --> 00:17:17,287
and Janusz have each written
their own vows.

517
00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:18,288
Zelda?

518
00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:20,206
Slowly, Zelda, slowly.

519
00:17:25,503 --> 00:17:26,421
Janusz,

520
00:17:26,504 --> 00:17:29,382
I love you.

521
00:17:29,466 --> 00:17:31,676
I love everything about you.

522
00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:33,845
I love that you are on time.

523
00:17:33,928 --> 00:17:35,680
I love that you
hang pictures straight

524
00:17:35,764 --> 00:17:38,933
and always without measuring,
perfectly centered.

525
00:17:39,017 --> 00:17:41,478
I love that you
don't lose money.

526
00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:44,522
I love that you never stain
a wooden spoon.

527
00:17:44,606 --> 00:17:46,232
I love that you lift
with your legs.

528
00:17:48,568 --> 00:17:50,403
And I love...

529
00:17:50,487 --> 00:17:52,155
that I am your wife.

530
00:17:53,698 --> 00:17:54,866
[Piotr] Now, Janusz.

531
00:17:54,949 --> 00:17:58,119
Mine has been
a life of hardship.

532
00:17:58,203 --> 00:18:00,038
Cold winters.
Many nights, no sleep.

533
00:18:00,121 --> 00:18:02,957
My family lived day to day,

534
00:18:03,041 --> 00:18:05,210
but I was good with tools.

535
00:18:05,293 --> 00:18:07,086
I could fix what was broken,

536
00:18:07,170 --> 00:18:10,256
and that was to be my life,
I thought.

537
00:18:10,340 --> 00:18:13,802
And then I meet you, Zelda.

538
00:18:13,885 --> 00:18:15,845
I did not know I was broken

539
00:18:15,929 --> 00:18:17,889
until you were the one
to have fixed me.

540
00:18:17,972 --> 00:18:20,099
- [crying] Oh, Jesus.
- Moishe.

541
00:18:20,183 --> 00:18:22,143
[crying] He's killing me, Shirl.

542
00:18:22,227 --> 00:18:24,854
[Janusz] I will be providing
for you. You will be

543
00:18:24,938 --> 00:18:26,648
wanting for nothing.

544
00:18:26,731 --> 00:18:28,209
- [Moishe blows nose loudly]
- Now, you will finally

545
00:18:28,233 --> 00:18:29,692
get to enjoy life,

546
00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:33,238
without burden, never having
to work another single day

547
00:18:33,321 --> 00:18:34,572
for as long as you live.

548
00:18:34,656 --> 00:18:36,449
What did he say?

549
00:18:36,533 --> 00:18:38,993
I'm not quite sure.
His accent is so thick.

550
00:18:39,077 --> 00:18:41,079
Did he say she would
never work again?

551
00:18:41,162 --> 00:18:43,498
- I don't know.
- Miriam,

552
00:18:43,581 --> 00:18:45,166
what did he say?

553
00:18:45,250 --> 00:18:48,086
[whispers] What? Papa, stop. I'm
trying to listen to the vows.

554
00:18:48,169 --> 00:18:50,088
Rose, is she quitting?

555
00:18:50,171 --> 00:18:51,506
What is wrong with you people?

556
00:18:51,589 --> 00:18:53,383
And I am your Janusz
until we die,

557
00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:54,843
together,

558
00:18:54,926 --> 00:18:57,887
- peacefully, let's hope.
- [both chuckle]

559
00:18:57,971 --> 00:19:00,390
Abe, are we losing Zelda?

560
00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:02,016
"Never having to work
another day"

561
00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:04,310
is pretty cut-and-dry.
We're work.

562
00:19:04,394 --> 00:19:07,188
- Shh.
- We're not just work, we're family.

563
00:19:07,272 --> 00:19:08,940
This is how she tells us?

564
00:19:09,023 --> 00:19:10,859
Hey! There's a man
speaking Polish up here.

565
00:19:10,942 --> 00:19:13,111
And what did he mean,
"without burden"?

566
00:19:13,194 --> 00:19:14,672
Have we been a burden
to Zelda all these years?

567
00:19:14,696 --> 00:19:16,614
Mama, Papa, knock it off.

568
00:19:16,698 --> 00:19:19,117
I don't know why you're being
so calm right now.

569
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:20,952
Because our Zelda's
getting married.

570
00:19:21,035 --> 00:19:22,912
Apparently our Zelda
thinks we're a burden,

571
00:19:22,996 --> 00:19:23,913
that includes you.

572
00:19:23,997 --> 00:19:25,373
What? No, it doesn't.

573
00:19:25,456 --> 00:19:28,001
Most of her day is spent
taking care of your children.

574
00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:30,128
Yes, she loves them.
They're like family.

575
00:19:30,211 --> 00:19:31,421
Are you sure about that?

576
00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:32,755
My children are not the burden.

577
00:19:32,839 --> 00:19:34,024
He was talking about you guys.

578
00:19:34,048 --> 00:19:36,217
Either way, you're losing

579
00:19:36,301 --> 00:19:38,344
your childcare.

580
00:19:38,428 --> 00:19:40,221
Oh.

581
00:19:40,305 --> 00:19:42,640
Did that sound like
Zelda was quitting to you?

582
00:19:42,724 --> 00:19:44,284
I couldn't tell you
what's what anymore,

583
00:19:44,350 --> 00:19:46,537
- everything's in Polish.
- If she quits, we're screwed.

584
00:19:46,561 --> 00:19:48,605
- Who's gonna watch the kids?
- Oh, God.

585
00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:50,207
Zelda brings them
by the club after school

586
00:19:50,231 --> 00:19:52,191
when I can't pick them up.
This is not good.

587
00:19:52,275 --> 00:19:54,277
Excuse me, guys, Father Piotr,

588
00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:56,446
but is it too late
to make an objection?

589
00:19:56,529 --> 00:19:57,822
- I'm sorry?
- Oy gevalt.

590
00:19:57,906 --> 00:19:59,741
Well, not an objection, per se.

591
00:19:59,824 --> 00:20:02,869
A r-request for
clarification, really.

592
00:20:02,952 --> 00:20:04,495
I'm just wondering,

593
00:20:04,579 --> 00:20:08,541
when you say the bride
will "finally enjoy" her life,

594
00:20:08,625 --> 00:20:12,170
uh, when exactly
will she start enjoying it?

595
00:20:12,253 --> 00:20:15,757
Are we thinking end of the year?

596
00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:17,508
Through the summer?

597
00:20:17,592 --> 00:20:20,261
We have that cocktail party
in May for my clients.

598
00:20:20,345 --> 00:20:22,972
Uh, could the bride
start to enjoy her life

599
00:20:23,056 --> 00:20:24,474
after the cocktail party?

600
00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:26,744
Oh, a-and would the bride
still be able to pick Ethan up

601
00:20:26,768 --> 00:20:28,488
from school Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays,

602
00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:29,830
or was that part
of the burden, too?

603
00:20:29,854 --> 00:20:31,606
Pipe down, all of you.

604
00:20:31,689 --> 00:20:34,359
You're making Jews
look loud and obnoxious!

605
00:20:34,442 --> 00:20:36,152
[fabric tears]

606
00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:37,570
Damn it!

607
00:20:38,988 --> 00:20:41,449
As Janusz and Zelda
have consented

608
00:20:41,532 --> 00:20:44,744
to holy wedlock before God,

609
00:20:44,827 --> 00:20:47,038
I pronounce that they be

610
00:20:47,121 --> 00:20:49,290
man and wife together.

611
00:20:49,374 --> 00:20:52,210
In the name of the Father,
of the Son,

612
00:20:52,293 --> 00:20:54,170
and of the Holy Ghost.

613
00:20:54,253 --> 00:20:55,588
Amen.

614
00:20:55,672 --> 00:20:57,590
- [chuckles]
- [applause]

615
00:21:00,093 --> 00:21:02,220
This reminds me of our wedding.

616
00:21:02,303 --> 00:21:04,472
Your mother had her head
up my skirt

617
00:21:04,555 --> 00:21:06,182
the entire night.

618
00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:07,600
[chuckles]

619
00:21:09,394 --> 00:21:11,938
Just called down to see
if little Katrina in 3B

620
00:21:12,021 --> 00:21:14,023
- is still looking to babysit.
- And?

621
00:21:14,107 --> 00:21:16,776
Turns out she now has two
littler Katrinas of her own

622
00:21:16,859 --> 00:21:18,069
and needs a babysitter.

623
00:21:18,152 --> 00:21:20,029
Wasn't she 12, like, a year ago?

624
00:21:20,113 --> 00:21:21,698
Hope not.

625
00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:24,033
Vodka? It's ceremonial.

626
00:21:24,117 --> 00:21:26,077
Sure.

627
00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:28,955
To our kids figuring out
how to raise themselves.

628
00:21:29,038 --> 00:21:30,832
To Zelda finding love.

629
00:21:30,915 --> 00:21:32,750
- Ooh, much better.
- [chuckles softly]

630
00:21:35,670 --> 00:21:38,047
That's good. [clears throat]

631
00:21:38,131 --> 00:21:39,775
Hey, want to add a day care
to the Button Club?

632
00:21:39,799 --> 00:21:41,300
- Maybe at the new club.
- Oh, yeah.

633
00:21:41,384 --> 00:21:43,594
How was Our Mother of Holy Hell?

634
00:21:43,678 --> 00:21:45,221
We're gonna buy it.

635
00:21:45,304 --> 00:21:48,057
- That's great.
- [chuckles]

636
00:21:48,141 --> 00:21:49,434
I'm really happy for you.

637
00:21:49,517 --> 00:21:50,786
[Zelda] You just find
the dirty spot

638
00:21:50,810 --> 00:21:52,210
on the carpet,
and you push forward,

639
00:21:52,270 --> 00:21:53,396
then you pull back.

640
00:21:53,479 --> 00:21:55,440
You push forward,
then pull back.

641
00:21:55,523 --> 00:21:57,817
- For how long?
- Till the dirt is gone.

642
00:21:57,900 --> 00:22:00,570
- How will I know?
- Rose, stop monopolizing her.

643
00:22:00,653 --> 00:22:03,031
Now, Zelda,
can you please explain

644
00:22:03,114 --> 00:22:06,200
- the exact mechanicals of the suction function?
- No!

645
00:22:06,284 --> 00:22:09,120
- [Abe] And what do we do when it's full...
- Midge...

646
00:22:09,203 --> 00:22:10,723
- buy a new one?
- You empty it, Mr. Weissman. - Joel.

647
00:22:10,747 --> 00:22:13,750
When you did that trade show
a couple months ago,

648
00:22:13,833 --> 00:22:16,002
there were two guys.
They were talking to Susie.

649
00:22:16,085 --> 00:22:18,838
- Frank and Nicky?
- Sure. They're friends of Susie's?

650
00:22:18,921 --> 00:22:20,256
Friends? Well...

651
00:22:20,339 --> 00:22:21,466
'Cause they seem like thugs.

652
00:22:21,549 --> 00:22:23,342
No. Well, yes.

653
00:22:23,426 --> 00:22:24,510
They're friendly thugs.

654
00:22:24,594 --> 00:22:25,779
What the hell
are friendly thugs?

655
00:22:25,803 --> 00:22:27,930
I don't know.
Thugs who say hi to the mailman.

656
00:22:28,014 --> 00:22:30,391
You don't need to worry
about Frank and Nicky.

657
00:22:30,475 --> 00:22:31,392
I think I do.

658
00:22:31,476 --> 00:22:32,935
No, look, yes,

659
00:22:33,019 --> 00:22:34,747
they are not men
who punch a clock for a living.

660
00:22:34,771 --> 00:22:36,165
They punch the guy
who punches the clock.

661
00:22:36,189 --> 00:22:39,108
But they are friends
of Susie's. Yes.

662
00:22:39,192 --> 00:22:40,818
- Sort of.
- Friends?

663
00:22:40,902 --> 00:22:42,361
Well, they weren't
always friends.

664
00:22:42,445 --> 00:22:43,547
They actually
kidnapped her once.

665
00:22:43,571 --> 00:22:45,406
- Uh-huh.
- Mm. They were supposed to

666
00:22:45,490 --> 00:22:46,824
rough her up or kill her

667
00:22:46,908 --> 00:22:48,993
or dump her body in the
East River, but they didn't.

668
00:22:49,077 --> 00:22:52,246
Wow, a happy ending.
Guess I was worried for nothing.

669
00:22:52,330 --> 00:22:53,873
You do not need
to worry about it.

670
00:22:53,956 --> 00:22:55,833
I'm in the club business.

671
00:22:55,917 --> 00:22:57,460
My father's
in the garment industry.

672
00:22:57,543 --> 00:22:58,669
I know these kind of guys.

673
00:22:58,753 --> 00:23:00,713
I'm in the club business,
too, Joel.

674
00:23:00,797 --> 00:23:02,858
Well, if you think this isn't
gonna bite you in the ass...

675
00:23:02,882 --> 00:23:06,052
I'm a big girl, with a big a...
You know what I mean.

676
00:23:06,135 --> 00:23:07,529
I don't want you
mixed up with them.

677
00:23:07,553 --> 00:23:09,430
- I'm not.
- But Susie is.

678
00:23:09,514 --> 00:23:11,349
Midge, I know
she's your manager

679
00:23:11,432 --> 00:23:13,035
and she's helped you
with your career, but

680
00:23:13,059 --> 00:23:14,870
I don't know if you've noticed,
she's kind of fucked up.

681
00:23:14,894 --> 00:23:16,187
Everyone's fucked up in comedy.

682
00:23:16,270 --> 00:23:17,456
And if she's in bed
with these guys,

683
00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:18,582
then you're in bed
with these guys.

684
00:23:18,606 --> 00:23:19,857
I'm not in bed with anyone.

685
00:23:19,941 --> 00:23:21,192
I'm sleeping on the floor, pal.

686
00:23:21,275 --> 00:23:23,128
She had you dancing
on a garbage truck for them.

687
00:23:23,152 --> 00:23:25,279
- I didn't dance. I can't dance.
- Midge, come on.

688
00:23:25,363 --> 00:23:26,531
Joel, you're pissing me off.

689
00:23:26,614 --> 00:23:27,907
Sorry. I don't think you know

690
00:23:27,990 --> 00:23:29,051
what you're getting into here.

691
00:23:29,075 --> 00:23:30,385
I know exactly
what I'm getting into.

692
00:23:30,409 --> 00:23:31,828
It was a one-time thing.
After that,

693
00:23:31,911 --> 00:23:33,621
everything's squared away.
Nothing owed.

694
00:23:33,704 --> 00:23:35,224
So, you can just relax
and go back to your

695
00:23:35,248 --> 00:23:36,916
"club manager
person being thing."

696
00:23:36,999 --> 00:23:38,918
- That was terrible.
- Fuck you. How was that?

697
00:23:39,001 --> 00:23:41,146
I don't want anything to happen
to you. Can't you get that

698
00:23:41,170 --> 00:23:42,964
through your thick head
with the 30 layers

699
00:23:43,047 --> 00:23:44,048
of fucking hair spray?

700
00:23:44,132 --> 00:23:45,591
You never used to mind
my hair spray.

701
00:23:45,675 --> 00:23:47,301
Oh, bullshit.
It's like crop-dusting

702
00:23:47,385 --> 00:23:48,570
in the bathroom
when you're done.

703
00:23:48,594 --> 00:23:50,638
Back off, Joel.
I can take care of myself.

704
00:23:50,721 --> 00:23:52,515
Oh, so, what,
I shouldn't give a shit?

705
00:23:52,598 --> 00:23:54,201
- I never said that.
- I shouldn't care about you?

706
00:23:54,225 --> 00:23:56,120
- Of course you should.
- 'Cause too bad, I'm gonna.

707
00:23:56,144 --> 00:23:57,645
I don't care how mad
you get at me,

708
00:23:57,728 --> 00:23:59,164
- I'm not gonna let anything happen to you.
- Fine.

709
00:23:59,188 --> 00:24:01,125
If anyone so much as touches
a hair on your head...

710
00:24:01,149 --> 00:24:03,309
not that they could with
all that goddamn hair spray...

711
00:24:03,359 --> 00:24:04,795
they would not be dead enough.
Do you understand?

712
00:24:04,819 --> 00:24:07,071
I don't. Can you explain it
again, caveman-style?

713
00:24:07,155 --> 00:24:08,340
A lot of men wash their
hands of their ex-wives,

714
00:24:08,364 --> 00:24:09,949
- you know that?
- I know.

715
00:24:10,032 --> 00:24:11,426
They'd just be like,
"Oh, you're owned

716
00:24:11,450 --> 00:24:12,493
by the mob? Too bad."

717
00:24:12,577 --> 00:24:13,911
Well, they're assholes.

718
00:24:13,995 --> 00:24:15,347
- I'm not washing my hands.
- I know,

719
00:24:15,371 --> 00:24:17,123
'cause you're not an asshole.

720
00:24:20,585 --> 00:24:22,670
- [Rose] Abe?
- [Abe] Zelda.

721
00:24:22,753 --> 00:24:25,214
[Zelda] Mr. Weissman, I told you
not to run the toaster

722
00:24:25,298 --> 00:24:26,674
and vacuum at the same time.

723
00:24:26,757 --> 00:24:29,177
[Abe] So, my whole life
has to change?

724
00:24:32,013 --> 00:24:33,806
So...

725
00:24:33,890 --> 00:24:35,266
Yeah.

726
00:24:39,061 --> 00:24:41,856
I have to go tell jokes
about diapers on a boat.

727
00:24:41,939 --> 00:24:43,733
That sounds made up.

728
00:24:43,816 --> 00:24:45,401
To be continued?

729
00:24:45,484 --> 00:24:47,111
Apparently so.

730
00:24:50,948 --> 00:24:52,283
[sighs]

731
00:24:52,366 --> 00:24:53,743
[sucks teeth]

732
00:24:58,539 --> 00:25:00,833
[sighs]

733
00:25:00,917 --> 00:25:03,020
- Okay, just let him know that Dinah
- Okay, just tell him that

734
00:25:03,044 --> 00:25:04,980
- from Susie Myerson and Associates called again.
- Susie Myerson called again,

735
00:25:05,004 --> 00:25:07,164
- and she expects a call back soon.
- Thank you so much.

736
00:25:08,466 --> 00:25:09,759
- [sighs]
- Any luck?

737
00:25:09,842 --> 00:25:13,429
None. I went to Sardi's,
where he'd just had lunch.

738
00:25:13,512 --> 00:25:16,015
He'd eaten everything
but the bacon, egg and avocado

739
00:25:16,098 --> 00:25:17,683
from his Cobb salad
and, honestly,

740
00:25:17,767 --> 00:25:19,060
why get a Cobb salad then?

741
00:25:19,143 --> 00:25:21,229
But the waiter
told me he mentioned

742
00:25:21,312 --> 00:25:22,772
he was heading to his barber,

743
00:25:22,855 --> 00:25:25,024
so I go down to Astor Place.

744
00:25:25,107 --> 00:25:26,484
You know how many guys
named David

745
00:25:26,567 --> 00:25:27,878
were having
their hair cut in there?

746
00:25:27,902 --> 00:25:29,153
They all looked alike, too.

747
00:25:29,237 --> 00:25:31,364
I had to get a straight razor
shave to fit in.

748
00:25:31,447 --> 00:25:34,200
Felt really fucking good.
I recommend it.

749
00:25:34,283 --> 00:25:35,618
That's how I did. How about you?

750
00:25:35,701 --> 00:25:37,341
- I've left 52 messages.
- Did you pretend

751
00:25:37,370 --> 00:25:39,170
to be Eartha Kitt?
You do a great Eartha Kitt.

752
00:25:39,247 --> 00:25:40,933
[imitating Eartha Kitt]
Three hours ago, yes.

753
00:25:40,957 --> 00:25:42,117
Mm. What about your IRS lady?

754
00:25:42,166 --> 00:25:43,393
[regular voice] I did her, too,
and now

755
00:25:43,417 --> 00:25:45,336
I have to have lunch
with his accountant.

756
00:25:45,419 --> 00:25:47,296
Dinah, I just heard.
He left for the day.

757
00:25:47,380 --> 00:25:49,423
[both] Motherfucker!

758
00:25:49,507 --> 00:25:51,509
[groans]

759
00:25:51,592 --> 00:25:53,719
That's it.

760
00:25:53,803 --> 00:25:55,763
- Where are you going?
- Back out.

761
00:25:55,846 --> 00:25:58,391
Gonna show off my shave.

762
00:25:58,474 --> 00:26:01,477
- [phone rings]
- Hello?

763
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:03,479
Yes, this is the
Internal Revenue Service.

764
00:26:03,562 --> 00:26:04,730
How may I help you?

765
00:26:04,814 --> 00:26:06,816
[♪ Dorothy Dandridge:
"Stay With It"]

766
00:26:11,195 --> 00:26:13,364
<i>♪ Pray for it ♪</i>

767
00:26:13,447 --> 00:26:16,409
<i>♪ Say hooray for it ♪</i>

768
00:26:16,492 --> 00:26:18,494
<i>♪ But just stay with it... ♪</i>

769
00:26:18,577 --> 00:26:20,079
[indistinct chatter]

770
00:26:20,162 --> 00:26:21,974
So I said, I said, "Dizzy, I
don't know what you're playing,

771
00:26:21,998 --> 00:26:24,792
but I'm in B-flat."
In front of a paying audience.

772
00:26:24,875 --> 00:26:27,295
[laughter]

773
00:26:27,378 --> 00:26:30,298
Oh, yes, yes, Nanette.
Thank you.

774
00:26:30,381 --> 00:26:31,757
I made it myself in the back.

775
00:26:31,841 --> 00:26:33,441
They only put out bourbon
at these things

776
00:26:33,509 --> 00:26:35,636
'cause it's all these guys
drink. It's so boring.

777
00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:37,179
Happy to liven
things up for you.

778
00:26:37,263 --> 00:26:39,432
I saw you at The Wolford,
by the way. You're funny.

779
00:26:39,515 --> 00:26:42,435
Mm. Well, I'm a fan
of your work as well.

780
00:26:42,518 --> 00:26:45,062
Keep these flying and make sure
everybody's nice and drunk.

781
00:26:45,146 --> 00:26:46,689
You got it. [chuckles]

782
00:26:46,772 --> 00:26:49,150
Well, don't you look
pretty as a picture.

783
00:26:49,233 --> 00:26:51,110
You clean up nice
yourself, George.

784
00:26:51,193 --> 00:26:53,029
They're all in very good moods.

785
00:26:53,112 --> 00:26:55,531
And they all have
very young wives.

786
00:26:55,614 --> 00:26:58,034
Those aren't their wives.
You ready to knock 'em dead?

787
00:26:58,117 --> 00:27:00,661
It's that or jump overboard
and swim back to shore.

788
00:27:00,745 --> 00:27:03,080
Yes. I'm ready. Let's go.

789
00:27:03,164 --> 00:27:04,790
You have better jokes
than that, right?

790
00:27:04,874 --> 00:27:07,126
- I do.
- All right.

791
00:27:07,209 --> 00:27:10,880
<i>♪ Hoove your heart right in
and stay with love ♪♪</i>

792
00:27:10,963 --> 00:27:13,257
Good evening and ahoy.

793
00:27:13,341 --> 00:27:15,009
[cheering]

794
00:27:15,092 --> 00:27:18,429
- How are we all doing tonight?
- [cheering]

795
00:27:18,512 --> 00:27:20,306
What a great event, right?

796
00:27:20,389 --> 00:27:23,267
Sailing around the isle
of Manhattan.

797
00:27:23,351 --> 00:27:25,644
The combination
of a swaying boat

798
00:27:25,728 --> 00:27:28,564
and double bourbons.
What could go wrong?

799
00:27:28,647 --> 00:27:31,359
- [laughter]
- I am Mrs. Maisel, one of

800
00:27:31,442 --> 00:27:32,544
<i>The Gordon Ford Show</i> writers,

801
00:27:32,568 --> 00:27:34,737
and I want to thank you
for your interest in our

802
00:27:34,820 --> 00:27:38,324
humble, little,
"number one in the ratings

803
00:27:38,407 --> 00:27:41,077
put that in your pipe
and smoke it, Jack Paar" show.

804
00:27:41,160 --> 00:27:43,079
[cheering]

805
00:27:43,162 --> 00:27:44,663
Wow.

806
00:27:44,747 --> 00:27:48,250
Here I am talking to a boat
full of men about diaper cream.

807
00:27:48,334 --> 00:27:49,877
[laughter]

808
00:27:49,960 --> 00:27:51,504
I wonder if somewhere
on the East River

809
00:27:51,587 --> 00:27:53,089
there's a male comic
talking to a boat

810
00:27:53,172 --> 00:27:55,549
full of women about power tools.

811
00:27:55,633 --> 00:27:58,427
- [laughter]
- Ironic that Diddy Doo Diaper Cream

812
00:27:58,511 --> 00:28:01,347
was invented by men.
I mean, men are masters

813
00:28:01,430 --> 00:28:04,433
of the universe...
wheel, fire, war, et cetera...

814
00:28:04,517 --> 00:28:05,976
but babies?

815
00:28:06,060 --> 00:28:08,354
Not really their domain, is it?

816
00:28:08,437 --> 00:28:11,399
Every time a man holds a baby
it ends in screaming tears.

817
00:28:11,482 --> 00:28:13,734
And then the baby
gets upset, too.

818
00:28:13,818 --> 00:28:16,195
[laughter]

819
00:28:16,278 --> 00:28:18,406
I appreciate you guys, really.

820
00:28:18,489 --> 00:28:21,367
Th-This boat is full
of the only men in America

821
00:28:21,450 --> 00:28:23,702
who actually care this much
about baby ointment.

822
00:28:23,786 --> 00:28:26,038
But let's be honest,

823
00:28:26,122 --> 00:28:27,957
the biggest reason you care

824
00:28:28,040 --> 00:28:31,127
is that it makes you
a ton of money.

825
00:28:31,210 --> 00:28:34,213
[cheering]

826
00:28:34,296 --> 00:28:37,258
But the second-biggest reason
is your future third wives

827
00:28:37,341 --> 00:28:38,759
are currently in diapers,

828
00:28:38,843 --> 00:28:40,563
and you don't want them
to be uncomfortable.

829
00:28:40,594 --> 00:28:43,889
- [laughter]
- And I think that's very kind of you.

830
00:28:43,973 --> 00:28:45,891
[laughs] Yes.

831
00:28:47,977 --> 00:28:49,897
- Can I ask you a question?
- [piano player] Yes.

832
00:28:49,937 --> 00:28:51,206
- A question.
- [piano player] Yes.

833
00:28:51,230 --> 00:28:52,230
- A question.
- Yes.

834
00:28:52,273 --> 00:28:53,583
It's something
I can't figure out.

835
00:28:53,607 --> 00:28:55,359
- I hope you won't say no.
- No.

836
00:28:55,443 --> 00:28:57,361
- It's all about my sister.
- What?

837
00:28:57,445 --> 00:28:58,362
- My sister.
- Who?

838
00:28:58,446 --> 00:28:59,363
- My sister.
- Oh.

839
00:28:59,447 --> 00:29:00,990
She's joined a nudist colony.

840
00:29:01,073 --> 00:29:02,366
[laughter]

841
00:29:02,450 --> 00:29:05,202
- So, what I want to know...
- Yes?

842
00:29:05,286 --> 00:29:09,331
<i>♪ What can you get a nudist
for her birthday? ♪</i>

843
00:29:09,415 --> 00:29:12,543
<i>♪ What kind of birthday present
can you buy? ♪</i>

844
00:29:12,626 --> 00:29:13,711
David Weston.

845
00:29:13,794 --> 00:29:15,212
<i>♪ Tell me on the level ♪</i>

846
00:29:15,296 --> 00:29:17,006
<i>♪ Can I send her a muff? ♪</i>

847
00:29:17,089 --> 00:29:19,091
You are a very hard man
to get ahold of.

848
00:29:19,175 --> 00:29:21,177
- Who the hell are you?
- Susie Myerson.

849
00:29:21,260 --> 00:29:24,263
I represent James Howard.
You know, that terrific comic

850
00:29:24,346 --> 00:29:26,366
with the startling dramatic
ability you've had audition

851
00:29:26,390 --> 00:29:28,434
for your war picture,
what is it, four times now?

852
00:29:28,517 --> 00:29:29,727
You can't be serious.

853
00:29:29,810 --> 00:29:32,646
Why order a Cobb salad
if you don't like bacon or eggs?

854
00:29:32,730 --> 00:29:34,050
How do you know
I like Cobb salad?

855
00:29:34,106 --> 00:29:35,733
You don't like Cobb salad
is my point.

856
00:29:35,816 --> 00:29:37,359
I-I think you should leave.

857
00:29:37,443 --> 00:29:39,163
This is not the place
for this conversation.

858
00:29:39,236 --> 00:29:42,072
I agree. It's 180
fucking degrees in here,

859
00:29:42,156 --> 00:29:43,908
and the acoustics are terrible.

860
00:29:43,991 --> 00:29:45,760
You can call my office during
business hours and make...

861
00:29:45,784 --> 00:29:49,288
I have been calling your office
during business hours, David,

862
00:29:49,371 --> 00:29:51,373
nonstop for two days straight.

863
00:29:51,457 --> 00:29:53,709
You don't take my calls,
you won't call me back.

864
00:29:53,792 --> 00:29:56,212
What are we, married?
All I need is an answer,

865
00:29:56,295 --> 00:29:57,630
so I can get this kid
off my back.

866
00:29:57,713 --> 00:29:59,215
He's driving me
up a goddamn wall.

867
00:29:59,298 --> 00:30:01,217
I will pay you five bucks
for that water.

868
00:30:01,300 --> 00:30:02,527
It's free over there.
There's a jug.

869
00:30:02,551 --> 00:30:04,887
I will die if I move.
Give me that water.

870
00:30:08,599 --> 00:30:12,311
Ah. Okay. So, what's it
gonna be, yes or no?

871
00:30:12,394 --> 00:30:13,896
- Huh?
- You think I'm giving you

872
00:30:13,979 --> 00:30:15,648
an answer here and now?

873
00:30:15,731 --> 00:30:18,692
- Just pick one.
- He was very good and I'm still debating.

874
00:30:18,776 --> 00:30:22,321
David, seriously, listen.

875
00:30:22,404 --> 00:30:25,533
I don't give a shit. Actually,
I'd prefer it to be no.

876
00:30:25,616 --> 00:30:27,868
This kid is a great comic,

877
00:30:27,952 --> 00:30:30,037
and, frankly,
I make so much more money

878
00:30:30,120 --> 00:30:31,747
off of him
if he goes out on tour.

879
00:30:31,830 --> 00:30:34,375
I mean, he goes out for a year,
boom, that's my next car,

880
00:30:34,458 --> 00:30:37,127
and he comes back a giant star,

881
00:30:37,211 --> 00:30:38,921
and then I can get him
a world tour.

882
00:30:39,004 --> 00:30:41,274
Oh, I'll have to move to the
country, I'll have so many cars.

883
00:30:41,298 --> 00:30:42,633
I'll park 'em
all over the place,

884
00:30:42,716 --> 00:30:44,194
and then I'll just
drive one car to another

885
00:30:44,218 --> 00:30:45,427
all day long.

886
00:30:45,511 --> 00:30:47,721
[sighs] If he were
to come work for you,

887
00:30:47,805 --> 00:30:50,474
you'd pay him nothing,
and I would have to take that

888
00:30:50,558 --> 00:30:53,811
'cause he wants to do this
ridiculous movie so badly.

889
00:30:53,894 --> 00:30:55,455
He's never wanted
anything more in his life.

890
00:30:55,479 --> 00:30:56,814
He won't shut up about it.

891
00:30:56,897 --> 00:30:59,316
Frankly, I don't know why.
I read the script.

892
00:30:59,400 --> 00:31:01,280
It's terrible. It's a terrible,
terrible script.

893
00:31:01,360 --> 00:31:02,278
Now, hold on a second.

894
00:31:02,361 --> 00:31:03,779
It's a brilliant script.

895
00:31:03,862 --> 00:31:06,365
The man who wrote it
was nominated for an Oscar.

896
00:31:06,448 --> 00:31:08,492
Did he win? Didn't think so.

897
00:31:08,576 --> 00:31:10,828
I'm just telling you,
it's got act three problems,

898
00:31:10,911 --> 00:31:12,037
but, you know, you go ahead

899
00:31:12,121 --> 00:31:13,473
and do what you're gonna do.
I don't care.

900
00:31:13,497 --> 00:31:16,125
"I don't care"?
That's what you told him?

901
00:31:16,208 --> 00:31:18,103
- [Susie] Yep.
- And that it was a terrible script?

902
00:31:18,127 --> 00:31:20,713
- That's right.
- After you cornered him at a gay bathhouse?

903
00:31:20,796 --> 00:31:22,590
Look, I had a hunch
where he hung out,

904
00:31:22,673 --> 00:31:24,842
but I didn't want to go there.
He forced my hand.

905
00:31:24,925 --> 00:31:27,052
What was it like? The bathhouse?

906
00:31:27,136 --> 00:31:28,804
[groans] So many dicks.

907
00:31:28,887 --> 00:31:30,889
- Just as I pictured.
- [Susie sighs]

908
00:31:30,973 --> 00:31:33,142
Stop looking at me that way.

909
00:31:33,225 --> 00:31:34,977
You begged him
not to hire your client.

910
00:31:35,060 --> 00:31:36,913
That's the opposite of what
you're supposed to do.

911
00:31:36,937 --> 00:31:39,607
Look, it was my last play.
He said he liked James

912
00:31:39,690 --> 00:31:41,170
but he's also looking
at Dick Gregory,

913
00:31:41,233 --> 00:31:42,443
James Earl Jones.

914
00:31:42,526 --> 00:31:44,903
That's stiff competition,
so I had to do something.

915
00:31:44,987 --> 00:31:46,405
[chuckles] Stiff.

916
00:31:46,488 --> 00:31:47,865
[Susie and Dinah] Go home,
Maggie.

917
00:31:47,948 --> 00:31:49,867
All right.

918
00:31:49,950 --> 00:31:52,786
[sighs] I had to force my way
out of the place, too.

919
00:31:52,870 --> 00:31:55,164
Of all the times to form
a nude conga line.

920
00:31:55,247 --> 00:31:56,373
So, what now?

921
00:31:56,457 --> 00:31:58,709
Mm. We wait.

922
00:31:58,792 --> 00:32:01,253
Then we throw up.
And then we wait.

923
00:32:03,922 --> 00:32:05,567
I signed a really good
cabaret singer, though.

924
00:32:05,591 --> 00:32:06,675
That's something.

925
00:32:06,759 --> 00:32:09,261
Mm. James will be thrilled
to hear that.

926
00:32:09,345 --> 00:32:11,472
<i>- [men laughing]
- [George] So, boys,</i>

927
00:32:11,555 --> 00:32:13,140
how about our
secret weapon here?

928
00:32:13,223 --> 00:32:15,184
- Can I spot talent or what?
- Hysterical.

929
00:32:15,267 --> 00:32:17,144
Who knew our diaper cream
was so funny?

930
00:32:17,227 --> 00:32:19,855
Well, anything involving a tush
is generally comedy gold.

931
00:32:19,938 --> 00:32:21,649
- [laughs]
- Do you perform like this often?

932
00:32:21,732 --> 00:32:23,192
Every night,
as a matter of fact.

933
00:32:23,275 --> 00:32:24,377
You know, George,
she should be on the show.

934
00:32:24,401 --> 00:32:26,362
I've never thought of that.

935
00:32:26,445 --> 00:32:27,714
- She could be our spokesperson.
- Intriguing.

936
00:32:27,738 --> 00:32:29,490
Uh, fellas.

937
00:32:29,573 --> 00:32:31,367
She could be our funny
Diddy Doo Doll.

938
00:32:31,450 --> 00:32:32,993
- Changing a baby.
- In a bikini.

939
00:32:33,077 --> 00:32:35,454
[Tom] Yes, because motherhood
can be sexy.

940
00:32:35,537 --> 00:32:37,665
- [Ed chuckles]
- Okay. Well, it's been lovely speaking

941
00:32:37,748 --> 00:32:38,874
with you, gentlemen. George,

942
00:32:38,957 --> 00:32:40,435
- I'll see you at the office.
- All right.

943
00:32:40,459 --> 00:32:41,585
I love this idea.

944
00:32:41,669 --> 00:32:43,504
This is the best idea
I've ever heard.

945
00:32:43,587 --> 00:32:45,839
[Darren laughs] Come on.

946
00:32:45,923 --> 00:32:47,108
[Nanette] I got to
get back to work.

947
00:32:47,132 --> 00:32:48,801
[Darren] Five minutes.
One dance.

948
00:32:48,884 --> 00:32:52,012
- There's no music.
- I'll hum a little something. [chuckles]

949
00:32:52,096 --> 00:32:53,907
- [Nanette] Please, let me go.
- [Darren] But you're too cute.

950
00:32:53,931 --> 00:32:56,475
- Oy, buddy!
- Yeah?

951
00:32:56,558 --> 00:32:58,519
Why don't you let the nice lady
finish her shift?

952
00:32:58,602 --> 00:32:59,770
We're just having a chat.

953
00:32:59,853 --> 00:33:01,081
Well, I don't know
what your mama taught you,

954
00:33:01,105 --> 00:33:02,499
but you don't need to use
your hands to chat.

955
00:33:02,523 --> 00:33:04,733
Oh, it was nothing.

956
00:33:04,817 --> 00:33:08,696
It's not nice to touch things
that aren't yours, right?

957
00:33:08,779 --> 00:33:11,031
Ooh. Italian?

958
00:33:11,115 --> 00:33:12,825
Very funny. Give me my coat.

959
00:33:12,908 --> 00:33:14,969
Oh, am I touching something
that you don't want touched?

960
00:33:14,993 --> 00:33:16,346
- That's enough.
- Do you not like that?

961
00:33:16,370 --> 00:33:17,722
You've made your point,
now give it back.

962
00:33:17,746 --> 00:33:19,790
Is it expensive?
Looks expensive.

963
00:33:19,873 --> 00:33:21,834
- Give it back.
- Does it look good on me?

964
00:33:21,917 --> 00:33:23,502
I just want to see. Oh.

965
00:33:23,585 --> 00:33:25,754
- Oh.
- [jacket splashes]

966
00:33:25,838 --> 00:33:27,840
Huh.

967
00:33:27,923 --> 00:33:29,925
You didn't have your keys
in there, did you?

968
00:33:30,008 --> 00:33:33,220
- [boat horn honks]
- Well, that took a turn.

969
00:33:33,303 --> 00:33:34,303
How embarrassing.

970
00:33:37,683 --> 00:33:41,270
[woman] Well, she's
not laughing now.

971
00:33:43,063 --> 00:33:44,189
[elevator bell dings]

972
00:33:44,273 --> 00:33:45,899
[grunts]

973
00:33:51,447 --> 00:33:55,325
Hello there. Susie Myerson,
of Susie Myerson and Associates.

974
00:33:55,409 --> 00:33:57,661
I represent... this woman.

975
00:33:57,745 --> 00:34:00,122
Susie, this is Alan Young
from NBC Legal,

976
00:34:00,205 --> 00:34:02,207
Barbara Stern,
head of Public Relations

977
00:34:02,291 --> 00:34:04,293
and George Toledano,
our executive producer.

978
00:34:04,376 --> 00:34:05,878
Susie is Midge's manager.

979
00:34:05,961 --> 00:34:08,505
- You didn't call a lawyer?
- I don't have a lawyer.

980
00:34:08,589 --> 00:34:10,132
I, have, uh, my card here.

981
00:34:10,215 --> 00:34:12,050
Jesus, mildew grows fast.

982
00:34:12,134 --> 00:34:14,678
Might want to let these dry out
before you put 'em away.

983
00:34:14,762 --> 00:34:17,181
This isn't a friendly
"get to know you," miss.

984
00:34:17,264 --> 00:34:18,640
Gordon will be here momentarily.

985
00:34:18,724 --> 00:34:19,933
- Have a seat.
- Thank you.

986
00:34:20,017 --> 00:34:22,102
- [elevator bell dings]
- [chuckles]

987
00:34:22,186 --> 00:34:24,813
What happened? Why are you wet?
What's with the coat?

988
00:34:24,897 --> 00:34:27,274
Long story.
I may have fucked up.

989
00:34:27,357 --> 00:34:30,527
Well, well, well.
Emergency meetings, my favorite.

990
00:34:30,611 --> 00:34:31,904
Normally, I'd be furious about

991
00:34:31,987 --> 00:34:33,256
being called in
from a night out,

992
00:34:33,280 --> 00:34:34,799
but tonight's thing
was for an animal rescue

993
00:34:34,823 --> 00:34:36,575
that Hedy loves that I do not,

994
00:34:36,658 --> 00:34:37,910
so you're actually rescuing me.

995
00:34:39,453 --> 00:34:40,788
Wow. This ought to be good.

996
00:34:40,871 --> 00:34:42,932
[George] It's not. There was
an incident on the boat.

997
00:34:42,956 --> 00:34:44,500
- What boat?
- The boat.

998
00:34:44,583 --> 00:34:46,084
The function with the company.

999
00:34:46,168 --> 00:34:47,604
I'm sorry, the boat thing
still happened?

1000
00:34:47,628 --> 00:34:48,670
It was already paid for.

1001
00:34:48,754 --> 00:34:50,339
- And you were on the boat?
- She was.

1002
00:34:50,422 --> 00:34:52,758
- [Gordon] Why were you on the boat?
- I wanted to help.

1003
00:34:52,841 --> 00:34:55,177
- Have maritime skills, do you?
- I was the entertainment.

1004
00:34:55,260 --> 00:34:58,055
- You entertained sponsors?
- Yes, to help out George.

1005
00:34:58,138 --> 00:35:01,058
So, not only did the boat party
that I said no to still happen,

1006
00:35:01,141 --> 00:35:03,143
but this is who you sent up
in lieu of me?

1007
00:35:03,227 --> 00:35:05,479
A staff writer that gets
one joke in every four weeks?

1008
00:35:05,562 --> 00:35:06,688
What, was Trudy busy?

1009
00:35:06,772 --> 00:35:08,524
Hey, the gig was good.
The reps loved it.

1010
00:35:08,607 --> 00:35:10,108
And her joke average is way up.

1011
00:35:10,192 --> 00:35:12,653
Yeah, all good gigs end with
emergency meetings right after.

1012
00:35:12,736 --> 00:35:14,530
The gig's not
what's in question.

1013
00:35:14,613 --> 00:35:15,948
Why don't you stop being coy,

1014
00:35:16,031 --> 00:35:18,575
young lady, and tell Gordon
exactly why we're here?

1015
00:35:18,659 --> 00:35:20,953
Well...

1016
00:35:21,036 --> 00:35:22,496
I was arrested
by the coast guard.

1017
00:35:22,579 --> 00:35:23,819
[Susie] They can arrest people?

1018
00:35:23,872 --> 00:35:26,124
Are we free anywhere
in this country?

1019
00:35:26,208 --> 00:35:27,310
You really should have
gone with Trudy.

1020
00:35:27,334 --> 00:35:28,794
It wasn't my fault.

1021
00:35:28,877 --> 00:35:30,688
There was a guy getting way
too friendly with a waitress

1022
00:35:30,712 --> 00:35:32,923
who wasn't appreciating it,
so I cut in to save her

1023
00:35:33,006 --> 00:35:35,300
and things just got
a little out of hand.

1024
00:35:35,384 --> 00:35:37,344
That's not what I heard.
He said nothing happened.

1025
00:35:37,386 --> 00:35:39,197
He was merely talking to the
girl when this one came over,

1026
00:35:39,221 --> 00:35:40,347
assaulted him,

1027
00:35:40,430 --> 00:35:42,432
and threw his jacket
in the goddamn river.

1028
00:35:42,516 --> 00:35:44,494
It's a jacket. He's probably got
a closet full of 'em.

1029
00:35:44,518 --> 00:35:45,811
Who was this asshole?

1030
00:35:45,894 --> 00:35:47,563
He was one of the reps
from Diddy Doo.

1031
00:35:47,646 --> 00:35:49,815
Diddy Doo? The diaper cream?
[chuckles]

1032
00:35:49,898 --> 00:35:51,191
They're gonna sponsor the show?

1033
00:35:51,275 --> 00:35:53,277
That, George. That's why.

1034
00:35:53,360 --> 00:35:56,113
Look, people, this
isn't that big a problem.

1035
00:35:56,196 --> 00:35:57,423
I mean, what are we
looking at here,

1036
00:35:57,447 --> 00:35:59,074
a slap on the wrist,
a dry cleaning bill?

1037
00:35:59,157 --> 00:36:01,076
The charges include
aggravated assault

1038
00:36:01,159 --> 00:36:02,077
and disorderly conduct.

1039
00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:03,200
Wait, they're charging her

1040
00:36:03,245 --> 00:36:04,121
for assaulting a guy who was

1041
00:36:04,204 --> 00:36:05,444
assaulting somebody else first?

1042
00:36:05,497 --> 00:36:07,291
- There's more.
- More?

1043
00:36:08,959 --> 00:36:11,211
The boat was far enough out
from Manhattan that,

1044
00:36:11,295 --> 00:36:13,130
technically, we were on
a stretch of water

1045
00:36:13,213 --> 00:36:15,841
that's considered international.

1046
00:36:15,924 --> 00:36:17,342
What?

1047
00:36:17,426 --> 00:36:18,927
So, France may have to weigh in.

1048
00:36:19,011 --> 00:36:20,762
France? Like France-France?

1049
00:36:20,846 --> 00:36:22,639
- That's idiotic.
- There's more.

1050
00:36:22,723 --> 00:36:24,474
- The "more" guy.
- [George] Continue.

1051
00:36:24,558 --> 00:36:26,268
Since the guy's wallet
was in his jacket

1052
00:36:26,351 --> 00:36:28,037
and there was money
in his wallet and on a boat,

1053
00:36:28,061 --> 00:36:30,063
money is considered treasure...

1054
00:36:30,147 --> 00:36:32,399
I technically committed
an act of piracy.

1055
00:36:32,482 --> 00:36:33,859
Fuck me. You're a pirate?

1056
00:36:33,942 --> 00:36:36,528
[Gordon and Mike laughing]

1057
00:36:36,612 --> 00:36:38,113
Oh, my God.

1058
00:36:38,196 --> 00:36:40,616
This is so much funnier
than saving otters.

1059
00:36:40,699 --> 00:36:43,243
Don't you laugh.
And why are you here?

1060
00:36:43,327 --> 00:36:44,995
Just really fucking lucky,
I guess.

1061
00:36:45,078 --> 00:36:47,497
The press was in attendance,
photographs taken

1062
00:36:47,581 --> 00:36:49,684
and Barbara's already received
several calls for comment.

1063
00:36:49,708 --> 00:36:51,335
- And whose fault is that, George?
- Hers!

1064
00:36:51,418 --> 00:36:53,629
- No, it's yours.
- Mine?

1065
00:36:53,712 --> 00:36:55,839
You went through with this thing
after I said no.

1066
00:36:55,923 --> 00:36:58,175
Barbara, you're PR. You
should've thought this through.

1067
00:36:58,258 --> 00:36:59,676
I was following George's orders.

1068
00:36:59,760 --> 00:37:01,595
Really? Do we use
that excuse anymore?

1069
00:37:01,678 --> 00:37:04,014
- Gordon, we're not...
- No, I've been here long enough.

1070
00:37:04,097 --> 00:37:05,265
My car is waiting.

1071
00:37:05,349 --> 00:37:07,893
George? Not a good week
for us, old friend.

1072
00:37:07,976 --> 00:37:09,287
You'll fix all this
with legal and PR?

1073
00:37:09,311 --> 00:37:10,729
Isn't she fired?

1074
00:37:10,812 --> 00:37:13,899
No. But I'd hide my wenches
and booty from her.

1075
00:37:13,982 --> 00:37:16,276
- Alan?
- We'll get the charges dropped, Gordon.

1076
00:37:16,360 --> 00:37:17,903
Good. And, Barbara,

1077
00:37:17,986 --> 00:37:19,923
let the press run whatever
they're gonna run tomorrow.

1078
00:37:19,947 --> 00:37:22,616
Let the world know that I've got
a pirate on my staff.

1079
00:37:25,327 --> 00:37:26,411
This isn't over.

1080
00:37:26,495 --> 00:37:27,663
It is.

1081
00:37:27,746 --> 00:37:29,039
[grunts]

1082
00:37:29,122 --> 00:37:30,374
[sighs]

1083
00:37:30,457 --> 00:37:33,293
Did you see George's face?

1084
00:37:33,377 --> 00:37:35,295
I wasn't this happy
when my kids were born.

1085
00:37:35,379 --> 00:37:36,564
- [elevator bell dings]
- You're a sick fuck, Mike.

1086
00:37:36,588 --> 00:37:38,548
Yeah, okay.

1087
00:37:38,632 --> 00:37:41,468
I think I'll go home and have
dinner with my wife for once.

1088
00:37:41,551 --> 00:37:43,679
- [Susie] It's 10:30.
- It's New York City, Susie.

1089
00:37:43,762 --> 00:37:45,389
Don't be so suburban.

1090
00:37:47,516 --> 00:37:50,352
They told me I could keep the
coat. I didn't steal the coat.

1091
00:37:50,435 --> 00:37:53,897
So it's a win-win. Come on,
I'll split a cab with you.

1092
00:37:53,981 --> 00:37:55,983
Where's your ship docked,
east or west side?

1093
00:37:56,066 --> 00:37:58,694
- Don't make me laugh.
- Argh.

1094
00:38:06,493 --> 00:38:09,413
- [phone rings]
- Susie Myerson and Associates. Not him.

1095
00:38:09,496 --> 00:38:11,915
- Hang up.
- Tell me what he said one more time.

1096
00:38:11,999 --> 00:38:14,018
He said you were great
and he said that he loved you.

1097
00:38:14,042 --> 00:38:15,669
- He said that?
- Yes, he said that.

1098
00:38:15,752 --> 00:38:17,629
- So, why hasn't he called?
- He's going to.

1099
00:38:17,713 --> 00:38:19,923
- [phone rings]
- Susie Myerson and Associates.

1100
00:38:20,007 --> 00:38:21,091
- Not him.
- Hang up.

1101
00:38:21,174 --> 00:38:23,760
He's gonna call. Trust me.

1102
00:38:23,844 --> 00:38:25,178
I got to go walk around
the block.

1103
00:38:25,262 --> 00:38:27,448
No, no, don't go, James.
I got a good feeling about this.

1104
00:38:27,472 --> 00:38:29,283
Good feeling? That's enough
to get me on the subway

1105
00:38:29,307 --> 00:38:30,976
if I find a dime and a nickel.

1106
00:38:31,059 --> 00:38:32,870
- [phone rings]
- [Maggie] Susie Myerson and Associates.

1107
00:38:32,894 --> 00:38:34,354
- Is it him?
- [Maggie] No.

1108
00:38:34,438 --> 00:38:36,898
Hang up.

1109
00:38:36,982 --> 00:38:38,459
Do you think we should cancel
the tour

1110
00:38:38,483 --> 00:38:39,985
- till we find out?
- No.

1111
00:38:40,068 --> 00:38:42,404
- Why not?
- 'Cause there is no tour. I made that up.

1112
00:38:42,487 --> 00:38:44,072
Oh, my God.

1113
00:38:44,156 --> 00:38:46,324
"Her name was Diana,
but I knew her as DiDi."

1114
00:38:46,408 --> 00:38:47,969
Are you doing the scene
to yourself again?

1115
00:38:47,993 --> 00:38:50,078
Stop doing the scene. Stop it.

1116
00:38:50,162 --> 00:38:52,330
- [phone rings]
- Susie Myerson and Associates.

1117
00:38:52,414 --> 00:38:55,292
Yes, sir. Please hold.
David Weston

1118
00:38:55,375 --> 00:38:57,919
- is on line one.
- David Weston is on line one.

1119
00:38:58,003 --> 00:39:01,214
David Weston is on line...
[exclaims]

1120
00:39:01,298 --> 00:39:02,883
Tell him I'll call him back.

1121
00:39:02,966 --> 00:39:04,968
What?! Susie...

1122
00:39:05,052 --> 00:39:07,345
[chuckles]

1123
00:39:09,222 --> 00:39:10,474
Do it, Ruttles.

1124
00:39:10,557 --> 00:39:13,018
Mr. Weston, she's on
another call right now.

1125
00:39:13,101 --> 00:39:14,328
Sounds like
she's gonna be a while,

1126
00:39:14,352 --> 00:39:15,896
but she will call you back.

1127
00:39:15,979 --> 00:39:17,105
Yes, sir, I promise.

1128
00:39:17,189 --> 00:39:18,732
- Bye, now.
- [phone thuds in cradle]

1129
00:39:18,815 --> 00:39:21,777
[chuckles]

1130
00:39:21,860 --> 00:39:23,737
Susie, can I ask you
one question?

1131
00:39:23,820 --> 00:39:25,072
Shoot.

1132
00:39:25,155 --> 00:39:26,531
What are you gonna wear

1133
00:39:26,615 --> 00:39:27,991
when I take you to the Oscars?

1134
00:39:28,075 --> 00:39:30,702
- Oh, I'll be ready for you.
- [chuckles]

1135
00:39:30,786 --> 00:39:32,138
Hey, why don't you
do that scene for me?

1136
00:39:32,162 --> 00:39:33,371
Really?

1137
00:39:33,455 --> 00:39:35,957
Yeah. Let's see what
all the fuss is about.

1138
00:39:36,041 --> 00:39:38,752
"Her name was Diana,

1139
00:39:38,835 --> 00:39:40,212
but I knew her as DiDi.

1140
00:39:40,295 --> 00:39:41,880
She was my babysitter.

1141
00:39:41,963 --> 00:39:43,256
I wanted to marry her,

1142
00:39:43,340 --> 00:39:44,525
she wanted me to do
my math homework.

1143
00:39:44,549 --> 00:39:45,842
The only reason I-I became..."

1144
00:39:45,926 --> 00:39:47,195
<i>[man 1] You hear about
this Susie Myerson?</i>

1145
00:39:47,219 --> 00:39:48,571
<i>She got her comic cast
in Weston's new picture.</i>

1146
00:39:48,595 --> 00:39:49,875
<i>[man 2] He never hires unknowns.</i>

1147
00:39:49,930 --> 00:39:51,407
<i>[man 1] I heard she got
a face-to-face with him,</i>

1148
00:39:51,431 --> 00:39:52,599
<i>on his turf.</i>

1149
00:39:52,682 --> 00:39:53,868
<i>[man 3] How'd she get
close to him?</i>

1150
00:39:53,892 --> 00:39:54,810
<i>[man 1] She surprised him.</i>

1151
00:39:54,893 --> 00:39:55,936
I heard she took anatomy,

1152
00:39:56,019 --> 00:39:57,646
then posed as his cardiologist.

1153
00:39:57,729 --> 00:39:59,207
I heard she marched right into
his daughter's wedding.

1154
00:39:59,231 --> 00:40:00,732
Popped up in the back seat
of his car.

1155
00:40:00,816 --> 00:40:02,460
Jumped out of the cake
at his birthday party.

1156
00:40:02,484 --> 00:40:04,164
In the confessional booth
at St. Patrick's.

1157
00:40:04,236 --> 00:40:05,505
Side by side
at the Four Seasons.

1158
00:40:05,529 --> 00:40:07,173
Got to his housekeeper
and told her he was her cousin.

1159
00:40:07,197 --> 00:40:08,800
Booked an adjoining room
at the Beverly Hilton,

1160
00:40:08,824 --> 00:40:10,134
marched right through
the shared door.

1161
00:40:10,158 --> 00:40:12,452
Took LSD with him
and Timothy Leary.

1162
00:40:12,536 --> 00:40:13,888
<i>[man 10] Swam up to him
in Palm Springs.</i>

1163
00:40:13,912 --> 00:40:16,665
<i>[overlapping chatter]</i>

1164
00:40:16,748 --> 00:40:18,041
<i>[man] Holy shit.</i>

1165
00:40:18,125 --> 00:40:20,877
And will you be needing
a shirt as well, madame?

1166
00:40:20,961 --> 00:40:22,838
Give me the whole
shebang, Jeeves.

1167
00:40:37,394 --> 00:40:38,979
Mrs. Maisel. Please.

1168
00:40:39,062 --> 00:40:40,438
- Oh, me?
- Mm-hmm.

1169
00:40:40,522 --> 00:40:42,941
- You sure?
- You say everything I think.

1170
00:40:43,024 --> 00:40:45,235
A terrifying connection.

1171
00:40:45,318 --> 00:40:46,736
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

1172
00:40:46,820 --> 00:40:49,020
Pardon me, miss, but could I
get your autograph as well?

1173
00:40:49,072 --> 00:40:51,241
Well, as I live and breathe.

1174
00:40:51,324 --> 00:40:53,076
I didn't know you came downtown.

1175
00:40:53,160 --> 00:40:54,995
I try not to, but they sell
the best smack

1176
00:40:55,078 --> 00:40:56,538
on that corner right over there.

1177
00:40:56,621 --> 00:40:58,123
- Ah.
- Great set, by the way.

1178
00:40:58,206 --> 00:40:59,624
You saw my set?

1179
00:40:59,708 --> 00:41:00,935
I did. Bought a ticket
and everything.

1180
00:41:00,959 --> 00:41:02,085
They made you buy a ticket?

1181
00:41:02,169 --> 00:41:03,813
Ah, I haven't paid for a
ticket in ten years,

1182
00:41:03,837 --> 00:41:05,731
but I would have, which I think
counts for something.

1183
00:41:05,755 --> 00:41:08,133
Oh, well, still, thanks.

1184
00:41:08,216 --> 00:41:10,260
So, you hungry?
Can I buy you dinner?

1185
00:41:11,845 --> 00:41:13,972
Sure. Why not.

1186
00:41:14,055 --> 00:41:15,849
There's a great place
just up the block.

1187
00:41:17,851 --> 00:41:20,270
I have never seen you
out of a suit.

1188
00:41:20,353 --> 00:41:22,689
And I was expecting you
to be in full pirate regalia.

1189
00:41:22,772 --> 00:41:24,608
It's my parrot's night off.

1190
00:41:28,528 --> 00:41:31,114
This isn't quite where
I imagined taking you.

1191
00:41:31,198 --> 00:41:32,866
No? Too snobby?

1192
00:41:32,949 --> 00:41:35,327
Too sticky.
Can they at least turn off

1193
00:41:35,410 --> 00:41:36,762
a couple
of the fluorescent lights?

1194
00:41:36,786 --> 00:41:38,872
Don't worry,
one'll burn out in a second.

1195
00:41:40,999 --> 00:41:42,876
Lill, a chocolate donut
and a coffee

1196
00:41:42,959 --> 00:41:45,170
- will save my life.
- Coming up.

1197
00:41:45,253 --> 00:41:47,505
Hey, Officer Peluso.

1198
00:41:47,589 --> 00:41:49,758
Hey, Midge Maisel.
I'll be damned.

1199
00:41:49,841 --> 00:41:52,385
Nice to see you.
Gordon, this is Officer Peluso.

1200
00:41:52,469 --> 00:41:53,929
He's arrested me a couple times.

1201
00:41:54,012 --> 00:41:55,430
- Really?
- Mm.

1202
00:41:55,513 --> 00:41:57,933
- Well, it's nice to meet you.
- Hey, you're the TV guy.

1203
00:41:58,016 --> 00:42:00,769
- That's me.
- I almost didn't recognize you without your suit.

1204
00:42:00,852 --> 00:42:03,230
- So, how are you doing?
- I'm a pirate.

1205
00:42:03,313 --> 00:42:04,689
Terrific.

1206
00:42:04,773 --> 00:42:06,858
- Ah, thanks, honey.
- [chuckles]

1207
00:42:06,942 --> 00:42:10,195
Nice meeting you out of uniform.
And you, be good.

1208
00:42:10,278 --> 00:42:12,197
- You know I won't.
- [chuckles]

1209
00:42:12,280 --> 00:42:14,532
How many times
have you been arrested?

1210
00:42:14,616 --> 00:42:16,451
A lady never tells.

1211
00:42:16,534 --> 00:42:19,329
So, let's get down
to brass tacks here.

1212
00:42:19,412 --> 00:42:20,747
- You want?
- Sure.

1213
00:42:20,830 --> 00:42:23,708
Our second date should be
someplace nicer than this.

1214
00:42:23,792 --> 00:42:26,520
- This is not a date.
- Oh, you're telling me. There's a guy actively dying

1215
00:42:26,544 --> 00:42:28,338
in the corner over there.

1216
00:42:28,421 --> 00:42:30,173
Okay then, a better first date.

1217
00:42:30,257 --> 00:42:31,591
I'm not going
on a date with you.

1218
00:42:31,675 --> 00:42:33,843
Fine. We'll just start
sleeping together. Personally,

1219
00:42:33,927 --> 00:42:35,863
I'll miss the romance, but, you
know, I'll take what I can get.

1220
00:42:35,887 --> 00:42:37,847
- Gordon. Gordon.
- Just once then.

1221
00:42:37,931 --> 00:42:40,433
We'll do it up nice.
Penthouse at the Carlyle,

1222
00:42:40,517 --> 00:42:43,395
champagne, robes and slippers
for after, or during,

1223
00:42:43,478 --> 00:42:45,188
whatever the lady wishes.

1224
00:42:45,272 --> 00:42:48,191
A kiss? One...

1225
00:42:48,275 --> 00:42:49,985
really terrific kiss?

1226
00:42:50,068 --> 00:42:52,463
Come on, you got to at least let
me redeem myself on that front.

1227
00:42:52,487 --> 00:42:53,927
I'm a much better kisser
off the ice.

1228
00:42:53,989 --> 00:42:56,283
I'm sure you are, but...

1229
00:42:56,366 --> 00:42:58,410
- But...
- [sighs]

1230
00:42:58,493 --> 00:43:00,578
Gordon, if we started a thing...

1231
00:43:00,662 --> 00:43:02,622
Whoa. No one mentioned
"a thing."

1232
00:43:02,706 --> 00:43:04,165
Let me tell you
what would happen.

1233
00:43:04,249 --> 00:43:06,269
- Someone would find out...
- No one would find out.

1234
00:43:06,293 --> 00:43:07,627
Someone would find out.

1235
00:43:07,711 --> 00:43:09,170
Go on.

1236
00:43:09,254 --> 00:43:10,797
Then everyone would find out.

1237
00:43:10,880 --> 00:43:12,549
And nothing
would change for you,

1238
00:43:12,632 --> 00:43:14,175
but everything
would change for me.

1239
00:43:14,259 --> 00:43:15,278
No, it wouldn't.
I wouldn't let it.

1240
00:43:15,302 --> 00:43:16,428
There'd be snickers

1241
00:43:16,511 --> 00:43:17,971
and sideways glances

1242
00:43:18,054 --> 00:43:20,056
and whispers when
I'm in the ladies' room.

1243
00:43:20,140 --> 00:43:21,909
You can use my bathroom.
It's a much better bathroom.

1244
00:43:21,933 --> 00:43:23,327
I've got hand towels
with my name on them.

1245
00:43:23,351 --> 00:43:25,937
And then, suddenly,
I'm just "Gordon's girl."

1246
00:43:26,021 --> 00:43:28,565
Not the girl who scored all
those great jokes on your show,

1247
00:43:28,648 --> 00:43:31,693
not the only woman writer on the
number-one show in the country,

1248
00:43:31,776 --> 00:43:33,778
just "Gordon's girl."

1249
00:43:34,863 --> 00:43:37,282
It's got a nice ring to it,
though, the alliteration.

1250
00:43:37,365 --> 00:43:39,034
All the work I did
to prove myself,

1251
00:43:39,117 --> 00:43:40,577
gone in a single stroke.

1252
00:43:40,660 --> 00:43:42,579
Now, I must interject here.

1253
00:43:42,662 --> 00:43:44,998
It absolutely will not
be a single stroke.

1254
00:43:45,081 --> 00:43:46,559
I go to the gym
for exactly that reason.

1255
00:43:46,583 --> 00:43:48,710
But if I'm being honest,
the reason that,

1256
00:43:48,793 --> 00:43:50,503
in spite
of your wit and charm...

1257
00:43:50,587 --> 00:43:52,213
And face, don't forget the face.

1258
00:43:52,297 --> 00:43:54,007
The reason I cannot
sleep with you is

1259
00:43:54,090 --> 00:43:56,343
if I'm sleeping with you
and I get on the show...

1260
00:43:56,426 --> 00:43:58,511
- You're not getting on the show.
- Let me finish.

1261
00:43:58,595 --> 00:44:00,638
If I'm sleeping with you
and I get on the show...

1262
00:44:00,722 --> 00:44:01,782
You're never
getting on the show.

1263
00:44:01,806 --> 00:44:03,367
See, you keep harping
on the wrong thing here.

1264
00:44:03,391 --> 00:44:04,893
Zip it.

1265
00:44:05,977 --> 00:44:09,147
If I'm sleeping with you,
when I get on the show...

1266
00:44:09,230 --> 00:44:12,192
I'll never really know if
I got on because I deserved it

1267
00:44:12,275 --> 00:44:14,903
or if I got on because
I'm sleeping with you.

1268
00:44:15,987 --> 00:44:18,531
I've got a great house
in Nantucket.

1269
00:44:18,615 --> 00:44:21,034
I've got bicycles.
One of them has a basket.

1270
00:44:21,117 --> 00:44:22,345
You look like
a basket girl to me.

1271
00:44:22,369 --> 00:44:24,496
[Ella Fitzgerald: "I'm Beginning
to See the Light"]

1272
00:44:24,579 --> 00:44:27,040
Had to give it one last shot.

1273
00:44:29,084 --> 00:44:30,835
Can we at least have a dance?

1274
00:44:30,919 --> 00:44:33,546
<i>♪ But now that the stars
are in your eyes ♪</i>

1275
00:44:33,630 --> 00:44:36,341
<i>♪ I'm beginning
to see the light...</i>

1276
00:44:36,424 --> 00:44:37,759
Come on.

1277
00:44:37,842 --> 00:44:40,929
<i>♪ I never went in
for afterglow ♪</i>

1278
00:44:41,012 --> 00:44:43,473
<i>♪ Or candlelight
on the mistletoe...</i>

1279
00:44:43,556 --> 00:44:45,058
[chuckles]

1280
00:44:45,141 --> 00:44:47,727
<i>♪ But now when you turn
the lamp down low ♪</i>

1281
00:44:47,811 --> 00:44:51,940
<i>♪ I'm beginning
to see the light ♪</i>

1282
00:44:52,023 --> 00:44:55,485
<i>♪ Used to ramble
through the park ♪</i>

1283
00:44:55,568 --> 00:44:59,155
<i>♪ Shadowboxing in the dark ♪</i>

1284
00:44:59,239 --> 00:45:02,033
<i>♪ Then you came
and caused a spark ♪</i>

1285
00:45:02,117 --> 00:45:06,121
<i>♪ That's a four-alarm fire now ♪</i>

1286
00:45:06,204 --> 00:45:09,666
<i>♪ I never made love
by lantern-shine ♪</i>

1287
00:45:09,749 --> 00:45:13,086
<i>♪ I never saw rainbows
in my wine ♪</i>

1288
00:45:13,169 --> 00:45:16,673
<i>♪ But now that your lips
are burning mine ♪</i>

1289
00:45:16,756 --> 00:45:20,593
<i>♪ I'm beginning
to see the light ♪</i>

1290
00:45:20,677 --> 00:45:23,930
<i>♪ Now that your lips
are burning mine ♪</i>

1291
00:45:24,013 --> 00:45:27,267
<i>♪ I'm beginning ♪</i>

1292
00:45:27,350 --> 00:45:32,480
<i>♪ To see the light ♪♪</i>

1293
00:45:34,190 --> 00:45:35,501
[Tim Curry:
"A Professional Pirate"]

1294
00:45:35,525 --> 00:45:37,819
<i>♪ When I was just a lad ♪</i>

1295
00:45:37,902 --> 00:45:40,363
<i>♪ Looking for my true vocation ♪</i>

1296
00:45:40,447 --> 00:45:42,532
<i>♪ My father said, "Now, son ♪</i>

1297
00:45:42,615 --> 00:45:45,368
<i>♪ This choice
deserves deliberation ♪</i>

1298
00:45:45,452 --> 00:45:47,495
<i>♪ Though you could be a doctor ♪</i>

1299
00:45:47,579 --> 00:45:50,081
<i>♪ Or perhaps a financier ♪</i>

1300
00:45:50,165 --> 00:45:53,835
<i>♪ My boy, why not consider
a more challenging career?" ♪</i>

1301
00:45:53,918 --> 00:45:56,004
<i>♪ Hey, ho, ho ♪</i>

1302
00:45:56,087 --> 00:45:57,982
<i>- ♪ You'll cruise to foreign shores ♪
- ♪ [laughs] ♪</i>

1303
00:45:58,006 --> 00:46:00,175
<i>- ♪ Sing it, lads ♪
- ♪ And you'll keep your mind ♪</i>

1304
00:46:00,258 --> 00:46:01,735
<i>- ♪ And body sound ♪
- ♪ Show 'em you've been practicing ♪</i>

1305
00:46:01,759 --> 00:46:03,011
<i>♪ By working out of doors ♪</i>

1306
00:46:03,094 --> 00:46:04,721
<i>♪ True friendship
and adventure ♪</i>

1307
00:46:04,804 --> 00:46:06,806
<i>♪ Are what we can't
live without ♪</i>

1308
00:46:06,890 --> 00:46:10,727
<i>♪ And when you're
a professional pirate ♪</i>

1309
00:46:10,810 --> 00:46:12,562
<i>♪ That's what the job's about ♪</i>

1310
00:46:12,645 --> 00:46:14,606
<i>♪ Upstage, lads ♪</i>

1311
00:46:14,689 --> 00:46:17,192
<i>♪ This is my only number ♪</i>

1312
00:46:17,275 --> 00:46:19,402
<i>♪ Now, take Sir Francis Drake ♪</i>

1313
00:46:19,486 --> 00:46:21,905
<i>♪ The Spanish all despise him ♪</i>

1314
00:46:21,988 --> 00:46:23,656
<i>♪ But to the British ♪</i>

1315
00:46:23,740 --> 00:46:27,118
<i>♪ He's a hero,
and they idolize him ♪</i>

1316
00:46:27,202 --> 00:46:29,579
<i>♪ It's how you look
at buccaneers ♪</i>

1317
00:46:29,662 --> 00:46:31,831
<i>♪ That makes them bad or good ♪</i>

1318
00:46:31,915 --> 00:46:36,127
<i>♪ And I see us as members
of a noble brotherhood ♪</i>

1319
00:46:36,211 --> 00:46:38,713
<i>- ♪ Hey, ho, ho ♪
- ♪ Oh, I love it ♪</i>

1320
00:46:38,796 --> 00:46:40,483
<i>- ♪ We're honorable men ♪
- ♪ 'Tis poetry in motion ♪</i>

1321
00:46:40,507 --> 00:46:42,634
<i>♪ And before we lose
our tempers we will ♪</i>

1322
00:46:42,717 --> 00:46:44,427
<i>♪ Always count to ten ♪</i>

1323
00:46:44,511 --> 00:46:46,513
<i>♪ On occasion,
there may be someone ♪</i>

1324
00:46:46,596 --> 00:46:48,431
<i>♪ You have to execute ♪</i>

1325
00:46:48,515 --> 00:46:52,143
<i>♪ But when you're
a professional pirate ♪</i>

1326
00:46:52,227 --> 00:46:54,604
<i>♪ You don't have to
wear a suit ♪</i>

1327
00:46:54,687 --> 00:46:56,523
<i>♪ Hey, ho, ho ♪</i>

1328
00:46:56,606 --> 00:46:58,900
<i>♪ It's one for all for one ♪</i>

1329
00:46:58,983 --> 00:47:01,027
<i>♪ And we'll share
and share alike with you ♪</i>

1330
00:47:01,110 --> 00:47:03,112
<i>♪ And love you like a son ♪</i>

1331
00:47:03,196 --> 00:47:05,198
<i>♪ We're gentlemen of fortune ♪</i>

1332
00:47:05,281 --> 00:47:06,199
<i>♪ And that's what
we're bound to be ♪</i>

1333
00:47:06,282 --> 00:47:10,870
<i>♪ And when you're
a professional pirate ♪</i>

1334
00:47:10,954 --> 00:47:13,039
<i>♪ You'll be honest,
brave, and free ♪</i>

1335
00:47:13,122 --> 00:47:15,083
<i>♪ The soul of decency ♪</i>

1336
00:47:15,166 --> 00:47:17,210
<i>♪ You'll be loyal
and fair and on the square ♪</i>

1337
00:47:17,293 --> 00:47:19,379
<i>♪ And most importantly ♪</i>

1338
00:47:19,462 --> 00:47:22,840
<i>♪ When you're
a professional pirate ♪</i>

1339
00:47:22,924 --> 00:47:25,051
<i>♪ You're always in the ♪</i>

1340
00:47:25,134 --> 00:47:29,305
<i>♪ Best of company! ♪</i>