- [indistinct chatter] - [buzzer sounds]
[man over P.A.] 2820 and 1611, you have visitors.
2820 and 1611.
All right, time's up. Let's go.
Really? You started without me?
- Take them. They're stale. - Hey,
to me, they're like the black and whites
from William Greenberg.
So, what's new? Who's shanking who?
Please, the only battles in here
are over sections of the Financial Times.
- Yeah. - My kingdom for a fistfight.
- What's that? - The headshots you asked for.
- Oh, you remembered. - Imogene remembered.
I didn't personalize them, but if you give me names,
- I'm happy to. - Oh.
Oh? What's with the "oh"?
- You got any older ones? - Older ones?
Yeah, like, from the USO?
The panty pose? You're kidding.
I think that'll be better for what
the guys are gonna use 'em for.
They're gonna jerk off to them?
They ain't casting the spring musical.
- And they can't jerk off to this? - They can.
Of course they can. I look fucking amazing.
Hey, buddy, this doing anything for you?
- Midge. - Fine. Give me those back.
I'll have Imogene dig up the USO shots,
and I'll bring them next month, okay?
Thank you for your service.
I'm a little nervous now about showing you
this next picture.
Aw, little Rose on the kibbutz.
Wearing vertical and horizontal stripes.
My mother is rolling over in her grave.
Tell her she'll meet her grandfather
in four to six months, with good behavior.
Just what every little girl wants to hear.
- Hey, question. - Yeah?
- Why do you keep coming here? - For the pat-downs.
You shouldn't be able to come here.
You should be out on the road.
I need to buy new luggage first.
You should be performing.
- I am. - You're selling wigs.
I'm selling high-quality dreams.
Of having more hair.
I'm diversifying.
Aren't you always telling me to do that?
I thought you'd be pleased. Do you know how much I'm making
- on this wig line? - Susie...
- Don't. - She would hate this.
I don't really care what Susie would think.
- Look, I'm just saying... - And I'm just saying
I can take care of myself.
You don't have to always be looking out for me.
I like looking out for you.
And look where that got you.
[Joel] Holy shit.
- [bell tolling] - Here's another one.
This place is really crawling with them.
Temples, you get one Star of David.
Somehow, it still gets the point across.
- Don't worry, we'll just rip her right out of there. - [Reverend Mother] What?
[Joel] And it'll be done
with the utmost respect and care, Reverend Mother.
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
You got rebar in here, Reverend Mother?
- In all these columns? - [Reverend Mother] What's rebar?
You gonna help me out here or what?
There it is. St. Xavier's School for Boys.
I got nuns staring daggers.
I went in a boy, came out a broken soul.
And look at you now, turning it into a supper club
and about to make a mountain of cash.
That's my kind of broken soul.
The rulers were always new. Where did the old ones go?
- Look at the ceiling. - [scoffs]
That's what the Reverend Mother said whenever she smacked me.
Great ceiling.
- This was your idea. - I know.
And it was a great idea. This room, with a stage?
And they've already got a kitchen and a parking lot,
so people can drive in from Jersey.
- I know. - A parking lot, Arch.
- I know. - We've been looking for a place like this for months.
- I know! - But if you're gonna have a nervous breakdown
- every time you come here... - No, I won't.
I'm fine. Honest. Run.
Because we'd have to start all over.
Places like this are few and far between.
You sure you don't want to take me out to that place
you scoped out in the East Village?
- You were so excited about it. - Nope. It's jinxed.
The minute I stepped in and spotted Susie's two goons
from that waste management show...
- I remember this cabinet. - I don't like those guys.
I used to hide in this cabinet.
If they're around Susie, then they're around Midge.
I don't want 'em around Midge.
I wonder if I could still fit.
- Archie, stop. - You stop.
You've been obsessing over those guys for weeks.
Because they're fucking mobsters.
Have you talked to Midge about them?
No. I'm trying not to be the bad guy
every time I talk to her.
But you're driving yourself crazy. Talk to her.
She'll appreciate your concern.
- Would you... - Aah! - Archie.
I'm sorry, Reverend Mother.
I see you still haven't learned to straighten your tie.
Would you both like to stay for tea?
Well, Reverend Mother,
that's a very kind offer, but we have to get going.
You can take the tea away, Sister Clementine.
- They won't be staying. - [Sister Clementine] Oh, you heard
I'm a disaster with a teapot?
Uh, no. [chuckles]
- Clementine, was it? - [chuckles]
Are you flirting with a nun?
She's flirting with me.
Nuns don't flirt.
Do you like honey in your tea?
- Holy shit, she is. - You know,
however you like to make it is how I like to take it.
Oh, my God.
You know, we're gonna turn this into a supper club,
so don't go giving up fun for Lent.
I do like music and dancing.
Father, forgive me.
[Maggie] You tell her it's
Susie Myerson and Associates calling.
Who am I? Why, are you gonna propose?
Just give her the message.
S-O-N. Myerson. Nothing fancy.
And she has the number. Yes, okay, goodbye.
Excuse me, can I just drop this off for Ms. Myerson?
- Bin. - Do you ever look through this?
- It's full. - Yes, dear.
We look through the bin. That's our job.
[chuckles] There's dust on them.
Then yours will really stand out.
Thank you for your materials.
We look forward to reviewing them. Good morning.
I'm calling from Susie Myerson and Associates for Ms. Dyer.
Sure, I'll hold. Excuse me, I need you
to wait in line outside with everyone else.
Five minutes, I swear. I'm the next Mort Sahl.
In the line, Mort. Okay, could I leave a message, then?
Is that her in there? Hey, Ms. Myerson.
Shelly Liebenthal. I got a tight five.
Dinah, please. We got to close this fucking door
so these losers can't see me.
They're not losers, they're potential clients.
- She's smaller than I pictured. - [Susie] Alfie.
You're killing me, you know that? You're killing me.
You sound upset.
- [Susie] You bought a fucking llama. - And?
- Why? - Why does anyone buy a llama?
For my act, of course.
- Her name is Catherine, by the way. - [llama grunts]
- I don't care. - Well, she does.
I am looking at a $2,000 room service bill.
I know you don't eat, so I'm gonna assume this is Catherine.
I always remind her the salad is entrée sized,
but she just won't listen.
And the shitting. It's got to stop.
I sincerely hope you're talking about her now.
The Orpheum's pissed. They sent a bill.
They're gonna have to change the carpet.
Oh, dear. I'll speak to Catherine.
Just get her a crate, huh?
And if you see her start to squat, abracadabra,
make it disappear.
- [llama grunts] - She's feeling judged.
Goodbye.
Just rent a llama.
Hey, Dinah, we got her yet?
Still leaving messages.
- Keep trying. Maggie! - [Maggie] Nothing.
Don't look so worried, huh? You'll get wrinkles.
It's been a week. Why haven't we heard?
This is how it goes with these Hollywood fucks.
This part... this is my part, Susie.
I can feel it. I've never wanted anything more in my life.
Believe me, I know.
You haven't shut up about it for two months.
You're driving me crazy.
[exhales] They must've hated me.
You wouldn't have gotten three callbacks if they hated you.
"Her name was Diana, but I knew her as DiDi."
Do not do the scene for me again. I will kill you
- if you do that scene for me again. - [sighs]
- [Maggie] Susie, I got her! - Maggie's got her!
See? We got her.
You go. You stay, you stay,
- you stay, you go, you go. - [man] What?
Do me a favor, find out if the voice is real.
Helen. Susie Myerson.
Thanks so much for getting back to us.
I've owed money to people who call me less than you do.
[chuckles] What a nice personal anecdote.
I am calling about my client, James Howard.
James is terrific. A genuine talent.
- I adore James. - I appreciate the love,
but how about an answer?
Soon as I have one.
Helen, is he still in the running or not?
- He is. - Mm. And how many others is he running with?
You know I can't tell you that.
You like hearing your phone ring all day, Helen?
Jesus. If managing doesn't work out,
you got a real future as a union boss.
- It's between him and one other. - Who is it? Dick Gregory?
- It's Dick Gregory, right? - Look, Ms. Myerson, if it were up to me...
Wait, wait, wait, wait. I-It's not up to you?
Who's it up to?
The producer, David Weston.
So, what I'm hearing is you have no power here?
Well, that's not exactly...
It's all about this David Weston?
I'm very important in an advi...
Goodbye.
David Weston.
What the hell?
I don't know. She just walked in and fell asleep.
- Miriam? - Hi. I'm ready.
When's the last time you slept?
On the walk over.
You know, you don't have to work all day,
then do a gig every night, right?
Every night. Got to stay sharp.
You've got a day job.
Here, open a vein,
- pour this in. - What'd she say?
She loves you, you're in the running, but it's not
her decision, it's the producer's.
So, what should I do?
I'm not good at waiting around like this. I...
Find a club, tell a joke,
and don't come back here until I call you.
Hey! Don't you have work?
[gasps] Is it morning or night?
- Still morning. - I got to get to work.
- Where am I tonight, Dinah? - Refer to the board, Midge.
Which one am I?
Look for your initials. We've been through this.
Yes, but there are two "M-M's."
You are little "m-m." Morty Minsk is the big "M-M."
Why aren't I the big "M-M"? I was here before Morty.
I figured you'd want to be more petite.
Well, I do appreciate that, Dinah,
but can you also make your big M's and your little m's
look a little more different?
The other night I showed up for Morty's spot
at The Bitter End, and let me tell you,
none of us liked that jazz set.
How about you just write "Midge"?
I can't fit five letters.
That would be too squished. What about two little hearts?
[yawns] Oh, that would be cute.
Will you just get your two little hearts out of here
- and go focus on your day job. - [groans]
Is it morning or night?
Battle station, girls,
because we have a new target: David Weston.
Steak dinner to the first one who gets him on the phone.
On it.
Could I get a baked potato?
A steak dinner comes with a baked potato, Maggie.
Just the baked potato. I don't need the steak.
So don't eat the steak.
Can't I just order the potato? It seems like a waste of cow.
You know what? Dinner's off.
Just find David Weston.
Okay, Midge, take your pick.
The solar system that's missing Earth
or the volcano I dropped
coming out of the subway just now. Sorry.
I don't know. They both look like a "B," "B-plus."
This is Ethan we're talking about here.
Hm...
That's a solid "D-plus" right there.
- Sold. - [coughs]
- So nice of you to join us. - Ooh.
Didn't realize Johnnie Walker made an aftershave.
Don't shout. Everything hurts.
- Where were you last night? - Down at 15th Street.
I did a 7:00 set for the doorman and the waitress.
- Yeesh. - [Mel] Yeesh, indeed.
Until last night, I'd never been heckled
by the sound of a napkin being folded.
Oh, Midge, Reuben Salazar
went on after me and did your garter belt joke.
Fucking Reuben. Why steal that joke?
- It doesn't even work for a guy. - He did a voice.
I want to punch him in the face.
Now, now, don't go doing that. Let us punch him in the face.
You fold up all five fingers, right? That's a fist?
Gordon wants to talk about the monologue.
- We haven't written it yet. - He has ideas. Chop, chop.
Ay yi yi.
They're big fans of the show.
- So was Ed Gein. - Oh, come on, Gordy.
He was. He sent letters from the madhouse.
They were deeply upsetting,
but not nearly as upsetting as this.
- Who's Ed Gein? - They based Psycho on him.
He wore people's skin.
Oh, my goodness.
[Adam] Nice to know he's tuning in.
Does that count as two Nielsen views?
Did stuff with the bones, too. Made necklaces.
I don't want to know what he made purses from.
Let's table this, guys, and get to the monologue.
Our topics lately... the whole feel...
- it's-it's off. - [Alvin] Any specifics, boss?
We're coming down awfully hard on Debbie Reynolds lately.
Mel? Anything you want to add to that?
- Left that wide open for you. - Rain check.
Hedy's feeling there's a little too much women-bashing going on,
so let's rethink this.
Oh, maybe we can finally get Debbie on the show.
I'm sorry. Why are you in here, Mike?
- What? - You're never in these meetings.
I've been in these meetings for the last five years, George.
George, don't abuse Mike when the person you're mad at is me.
You? Why would I ever be mad at you?
George is absolutely furious with me
'cause I don't want to say the words "Diddy Doo Diaper Cream"
- on the show, or anywhere. - [laughter]
I shouldn't have even said it just now.
Okay, but you can't do a show
without sponsors, not last time I checked.
We have sponsors. Great sponsors.
Chevy's a sponsor. I can talk all night about Chevy.
Well, Diddy Doo outbid Chevy.
They're hungry. They want to make a mark.
They can make their mark on someone else's show.
You wanted to revamp the set.
This'll pay for it, and then some.
Then I'll keep the set. It's been a lucky set.
Coming down hard on Debbie Reynolds?
Who are we, her new husband's bookie?
- Good to have you back, Mel. - [George] Diddy Doo
is a popular product and it's a demographic
we're trying to reach.
Babies? We want babies to watch the show?
Not babies, their mothers.
I've used Diddy Doo, for what it's worth.
I mean, not on me
personally, but... Am I the only one?
Well, cute jar, smells good, but, weirdly, it gave me a rash.
[laughter]
I can't help but harken back to our radio days, Georgie,
when you got us sponsored by that weed killer
- Not the weed killer. - that wound up killing
not weeds but a dozen senior citizens.
Fourteen. I read about it.
- Beats Ed Gein. - Maybe they were using it wrong.
A lot of empty houses at bingo that week.
Should we get back to the monologue?
Just meet the reps.
They're coming to the show tomorrow night.
They're very excited.
Plus, they're throwing a little soiree after,
a cruise on the Hudson, all in your honor.
Yeah, I'm not going to that.
It will be very noticeable
if you don't come.
You didn't think it would be a good idea to check
with your star before committing him
to a boat ride with the diaper rash gang?
I'm sorry, Gordon, I...
You didn't think to call? We share a wall, George.
You didn't want to do your special knock?
I should've checked with you. I realize that now.
- So, this is on you. - I just didn't think you'd respond this way.
You didn't think I'd maybe not want to humiliate myself
on national television?
- You used to trust me. - You used to listen to me.
- Because the network said... - Fuck the network!
Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to get back
to things that we are actually gonna do on the show.
I'm sorry, Gordon.
- My apologies. - Thank you.
Now, seriously, how are we gonna kick things off tonight?
Well, clearly, you're coming out in a diaper.
[laughter]
- [Gordon] I say let's get political again. - [knock on door]
I'm busy.
Listen, George, I-I just wanted to say...
I'm sorry, is this you and David Ben-Gurion?
Yes.
But he's smiling.
[George] He's actually deeply funny.
There something I can help you with?
Yes.
I shouldn't have opened my big fat mouth in there.
It didn't help.
I'll say.
I'm sorry.
Well, I appreciate you saying that.
And if there's anything I can do to make it up to you,
I am at your disposal.
How on earth could you help me?
Well, that party tomorrow, on the boat...
- I could be your pinch hitter. - A pinch hitter for whom?
For Gordon. Sounds like you need a little entertainment,
and I'm a comic. I'm also a mom,
and I've got a million diaper jokes.
I'm good with diapers, ergo I'm good with diaper people.
That's not a bad idea.
Show them we got a girl writer who likes the product.
What time do we set sail?
7:30. Don't mention your rash.
My lips are sealed.
- It is gone, isn't it? - The rash?
Yes, all clear.
- Good. - Want to check?
No, thank you. Now get out.
What are you gonna wear?
- Out. - Okay.
[Shirley] Almost done.
Don't fidget.
You don't have to do this, Mrs. Weissman.
Of course I do. Your earlobes look positively naked.
- It's obscene. - But you've already...
- Hey, I'm sewing here. - Sorry.
I think these will do quite nicely.
They were my Grandmother Lehman's.
An awful woman with exquisite taste.
- Oh, Mrs. Weissman... - Oh, there goes the seam, Zelda.
- Sorry. You've already done so much. - [sighs]
You let me have my special day here, in this house,
with all my memories and cleaning products.
Well, I certainly was not gonna let you get married
at city hall. That's a place for third weddings,
when everyone's given up on you.
There.
It wouldn't make it through the hora,
but coming down the hallway should be fine.
I found it.
- Oh, Miriam, put that away. - [Midge] Shirley, look.
Oh.
- There she is, on her wedding day. - [gasps]
Not a white rose left on the Eastern Seaboard.
My God, Rose. Were you even thinner than you are now?
I was, yes.
And that dress, those shoes.
Oh, they were beautiful shoes.
Your mother has perfect feet for shoes.
- [fabric tears] - Oops.
- Zelda. - I had to move to see the picture.
Help me help you. If you want to wear an heirloom
made of cotton candy, fine, but do as I tell you,
or you'll be taking your vows in your underwear.
I used to stare at this album all the time growing up.
Mama, you look so pretty.
I do, don't I?
And Papa looks so scared.
He does, doesn't he?
That's because he knew what was coming.
What? Mortgages?
No, the wedding night.
Oh, Shirley, please.
[Shirley] No, everyone thinks
it's the ladies who are scared,
but we have mothers, best friends,
rabbis, school nurses,
magazines scaring the shit out of us
the minute we get our first period.
We're ready. The men, however...
I really don't want to talk about this.
- Joel was ready. - Am I invisible? Silent?
Do words come out of my mouth and disappear into the ether?
I'm just saying, that boat landed at Normandy,
and he stormed the beach.
That's my Joely.
Miriam, this is nightclub talk.
I am not listening to this.
- Twice. - Oh, my God.
Plus, you two had been doing it in your bedroom
for two years prior.
Mama, you look so pretty.
Here comes
the bride. Get up, get up, get up.
[♪ Chopin: "Prelude in D Flat Major, Op. 28, No. 15"]
If I could've had ten minutes with his pants,
he'd look so much better.
I should've given him a suit.
- We did all we could do. We have to let it go. - [Piotr] Be seated.
- How much longer is he gonna play? - Hard to say.
Is this a wedding or a recital?
This is Chopin, people.
It's one of his most famous works. It tells a story.
You don't just stop.
Chopin will forgive you, Papa. Wrap it up.
[plays "Shave and a Haircut, Two Bits"]
Happy?
[Piotr] Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today
to join together this man and this woman
in holy matrimony...
Do you remember the day Zelda arrived at our door?
- No. - [Piotr] ...signifying unto us the mystical
union that betwixt Christ and his Church...
Well, we know what side he's on.
Therefore, if any man present
can show just cause
why they may not be lawfully joined together,
let him now speak, or else,
- hereafter, hold his peace. - Mm.
- [whispers indistinctly] - [Piotr] And now, Zelda
and Janusz have each written their own vows.
Zelda?
Slowly, Zelda, slowly.
Janusz,
I love you.
I love everything about you.
I love that you are on time.
I love that you hang pictures straight
and always without measuring, perfectly centered.
I love that you don't lose money.
I love that you never stain a wooden spoon.
I love that you lift with your legs.
And I love...
that I am your wife.
[Piotr] Now, Janusz.
Mine has been a life of hardship.
Cold winters. Many nights, no sleep.
My family lived day to day,
but I was good with tools.
I could fix what was broken,
and that was to be my life, I thought.
And then I meet you, Zelda.
I did not know I was broken
until you were the one to have fixed me.
- [crying] Oh, Jesus. - Moishe.
[crying] He's killing me, Shirl.
[Janusz] I will be providing for you. You will be
wanting for nothing.
- [Moishe blows nose loudly] - Now, you will finally
get to enjoy life,
without burden, never having to work another single day
for as long as you live.
What did he say?
I'm not quite sure. His accent is so thick.
Did he say she would never work again?
- I don't know. - Miriam,
what did he say?
[whispers] What? Papa, stop. I'm trying to listen to the vows.
Rose, is she quitting?
What is wrong with you people?
And I am your Janusz until we die,
together,
- peacefully, let's hope. - [both chuckle]
Abe, are we losing Zelda?
"Never having to work another day"
is pretty cut-and-dry. We're work.
- Shh. - We're not just work, we're family.
This is how she tells us?
Hey! There's a man speaking Polish up here.
And what did he mean, "without burden"?
Have we been a burden to Zelda all these years?
Mama, Papa, knock it off.
I don't know why you're being so calm right now.
Because our Zelda's getting married.
Apparently our Zelda thinks we're a burden,
that includes you.
What? No, it doesn't.
Most of her day is spent taking care of your children.
Yes, she loves them. They're like family.
Are you sure about that?
My children are not the burden.
He was talking about you guys.
Either way, you're losing
your childcare.
Oh.
Did that sound like Zelda was quitting to you?
I couldn't tell you what's what anymore,
- everything's in Polish. - If she quits, we're screwed.
- Who's gonna watch the kids? - Oh, God.
Zelda brings them by the club after school
when I can't pick them up. This is not good.
Excuse me, guys, Father Piotr,
but is it too late to make an objection?
- I'm sorry? - Oy gevalt.
Well, not an objection, per se.
A r-request for clarification, really.
I'm just wondering,
when you say the bride will "finally enjoy" her life,
uh, when exactly will she start enjoying it?
Are we thinking end of the year?
Through the summer?
We have that cocktail party in May for my clients.
Uh, could the bride start to enjoy her life
after the cocktail party?
Oh, a-and would the bride still be able to pick Ethan up
from school Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays,
or was that part of the burden, too?
Pipe down, all of you.
You're making Jews look loud and obnoxious!
[fabric tears]
Damn it!
As Janusz and Zelda have consented
to holy wedlock before God,
I pronounce that they be
man and wife together.
In the name of the Father, of the Son,
and of the Holy Ghost.
Amen.
- [chuckles] - [applause]
This reminds me of our wedding.
Your mother had her head up my skirt
the entire night.
[chuckles]
Just called down to see if little Katrina in 3B
- is still looking to babysit. - And?
Turns out she now has two littler Katrinas of her own
and needs a babysitter.
Wasn't she 12, like, a year ago?
Hope not.
Vodka? It's ceremonial.
Sure.
To our kids figuring out how to raise themselves.
To Zelda finding love.
- Ooh, much better. - [chuckles softly]
That's good. [clears throat]
Hey, want to add a day care to the Button Club?
- Maybe at the new club. - Oh, yeah.
How was Our Mother of Holy Hell?
We're gonna buy it.
- That's great. - [chuckles]
I'm really happy for you.
[Zelda] You just find the dirty spot
on the carpet, and you push forward,
then you pull back.
You push forward, then pull back.
- For how long? - Till the dirt is gone.
- How will I know? - Rose, stop monopolizing her.
Now, Zelda, can you please explain
- the exact mechanicals of the suction function? - No!
- [Abe] And what do we do when it's full... - Midge...
- buy a new one? - You empty it, Mr. Weissman. - Joel.
When you did that trade show a couple months ago,
there were two guys. They were talking to Susie.
- Frank and Nicky? - Sure. They're friends of Susie's?
Friends? Well...
'Cause they seem like thugs.
No. Well, yes.
They're friendly thugs.
What the hell are friendly thugs?
I don't know. Thugs who say hi to the mailman.
You don't need to worry about Frank and Nicky.
I think I do.
No, look, yes,
they are not men who punch a clock for a living.
They punch the guy who punches the clock.
But they are friends of Susie's. Yes.
- Sort of. - Friends?
Well, they weren't always friends.
They actually kidnapped her once.
- Uh-huh. - Mm. They were supposed to
rough her up or kill her
or dump her body in the East River, but they didn't.
Wow, a happy ending. Guess I was worried for nothing.
You do not need to worry about it.
I'm in the club business.
My father's in the garment industry.
I know these kind of guys.
I'm in the club business, too, Joel.
Well, if you think this isn't gonna bite you in the ass...
I'm a big girl, with a big a... You know what I mean.
I don't want you mixed up with them.
- I'm not. - But Susie is.
Midge, I know she's your manager
and she's helped you with your career, but
I don't know if you've noticed, she's kind of fucked up.
Everyone's fucked up in comedy.
And if she's in bed with these guys,
then you're in bed with these guys.
I'm not in bed with anyone.
I'm sleeping on the floor, pal.
She had you dancing on a garbage truck for them.
- I didn't dance. I can't dance. - Midge, come on.
Joel, you're pissing me off.
Sorry. I don't think you know
what you're getting into here.
I know exactly what I'm getting into.
It was a one-time thing. After that,
everything's squared away. Nothing owed.
So, you can just relax and go back to your
"club manager person being thing."
- That was terrible. - Fuck you. How was that?
I don't want anything to happen to you. Can't you get that
through your thick head with the 30 layers
of fucking hair spray?
You never used to mind my hair spray.
Oh, bullshit. It's like crop-dusting
in the bathroom when you're done.
Back off, Joel. I can take care of myself.
Oh, so, what, I shouldn't give a shit?
- I never said that. - I shouldn't care about you?
- Of course you should. - 'Cause too bad, I'm gonna.
I don't care how mad you get at me,
- I'm not gonna let anything happen to you. - Fine.
If anyone so much as touches a hair on your head...
not that they could with all that goddamn hair spray...
they would not be dead enough. Do you understand?
I don't. Can you explain it again, caveman-style?
A lot of men wash their hands of their ex-wives,
- you know that? - I know.
They'd just be like, "Oh, you're owned
by the mob? Too bad."
Well, they're assholes.
- I'm not washing my hands. - I know,
'cause you're not an asshole.
- [Rose] Abe? - [Abe] Zelda.
[Zelda] Mr. Weissman, I told you not to run the toaster
and vacuum at the same time.
[Abe] So, my whole life has to change?
So...
Yeah.
I have to go tell jokes about diapers on a boat.
That sounds made up.
To be continued?
Apparently so.
[sighs]
[sucks teeth]
[sighs]
- Okay, just let him know that Dinah - Okay, just tell him that
- from Susie Myerson and Associates called again. - Susie Myerson called again,
- and she expects a call back soon. - Thank you so much.
- [sighs] - Any luck?
None. I went to Sardi's, where he'd just had lunch.
He'd eaten everything but the bacon, egg and avocado
from his Cobb salad and, honestly,
why get a Cobb salad then?
But the waiter told me he mentioned
he was heading to his barber,
so I go down to Astor Place.
You know how many guys named David
were having their hair cut in there?
They all looked alike, too.
I had to get a straight razor shave to fit in.
Felt really fucking good. I recommend it.
That's how I did. How about you?
- I've left 52 messages. - Did you pretend
to be Eartha Kitt? You do a great Eartha Kitt.
[imitating Eartha Kitt] Three hours ago, yes.
Mm. What about your IRS lady?
[regular voice] I did her, too, and now
I have to have lunch with his accountant.
Dinah, I just heard. He left for the day.
[both] Motherfucker!
[groans]
That's it.
- Where are you going? - Back out.
Gonna show off my shave.
- [phone rings] - Hello?
Yes, this is the Internal Revenue Service.
How may I help you?
[♪ Dorothy Dandridge: "Stay With It"]
♪ Pray for it ♪
♪ Say hooray for it ♪
♪ But just stay with it... ♪
[indistinct chatter]
So I said, I said, "Dizzy, I don't know what you're playing,
but I'm in B-flat." In front of a paying audience.
[laughter]
Oh, yes, yes, Nanette. Thank you.
I made it myself in the back.
They only put out bourbon at these things
'cause it's all these guys drink. It's so boring.
Happy to liven things up for you.
I saw you at The Wolford, by the way. You're funny.
Mm. Well, I'm a fan of your work as well.
Keep these flying and make sure everybody's nice and drunk.
You got it. [chuckles]
Well, don't you look pretty as a picture.
You clean up nice yourself, George.
They're all in very good moods.
And they all have very young wives.
Those aren't their wives. You ready to knock 'em dead?
It's that or jump overboard and swim back to shore.
Yes. I'm ready. Let's go.
You have better jokes than that, right?
- I do. - All right.
♪ Hoove your heart right in and stay with love ♪♪
Good evening and ahoy.
[cheering]
- How are we all doing tonight? - [cheering]
What a great event, right?
Sailing around the isle of Manhattan.
The combination of a swaying boat
and double bourbons. What could go wrong?
- [laughter] - I am Mrs. Maisel, one of
The Gordon Ford Show writers,
and I want to thank you for your interest in our
humble, little, "number one in the ratings
put that in your pipe and smoke it, Jack Paar" show.
[cheering]
Wow.
Here I am talking to a boat full of men about diaper cream.
[laughter]
I wonder if somewhere on the East River
there's a male comic talking to a boat
full of women about power tools.
- [laughter] - Ironic that Diddy Doo Diaper Cream
was invented by men. I mean, men are masters
of the universe... wheel, fire, war, et cetera...
but babies?
Not really their domain, is it?
Every time a man holds a baby it ends in screaming tears.
And then the baby gets upset, too.
[laughter]
I appreciate you guys, really.
Th-This boat is full of the only men in America
who actually care this much about baby ointment.
But let's be honest,
the biggest reason you care
is that it makes you a ton of money.
[cheering]
But the second-biggest reason is your future third wives
are currently in diapers,
and you don't want them to be uncomfortable.
- [laughter] - And I think that's very kind of you.
[laughs] Yes.
- Can I ask you a question? - [piano player] Yes.
- A question. - [piano player] Yes.
- A question. - Yes.
It's something I can't figure out.
- I hope you won't say no. - No.
- It's all about my sister. - What?
- My sister. - Who?
- My sister. - Oh.
She's joined a nudist colony.
[laughter]
- So, what I want to know... - Yes?
♪ What can you get a nudist for her birthday? ♪
♪ What kind of birthday present can you buy? ♪
David Weston.
♪ Tell me on the level ♪
♪ Can I send her a muff? ♪
You are a very hard man to get ahold of.
- Who the hell are you? - Susie Myerson.
I represent James Howard. You know, that terrific comic
with the startling dramatic ability you've had audition
for your war picture, what is it, four times now?
You can't be serious.
Why order a Cobb salad if you don't like bacon or eggs?
How do you know I like Cobb salad?
You don't like Cobb salad is my point.
I-I think you should leave.
This is not the place for this conversation.
I agree. It's 180 fucking degrees in here,
and the acoustics are terrible.
You can call my office during business hours and make...
I have been calling your office during business hours, David,
nonstop for two days straight.
You don't take my calls, you won't call me back.
What are we, married? All I need is an answer,
so I can get this kid off my back.
He's driving me up a goddamn wall.
I will pay you five bucks for that water.
It's free over there. There's a jug.
I will die if I move. Give me that water.
Ah. Okay. So, what's it gonna be, yes or no?
- Huh? - You think I'm giving you
an answer here and now?
- Just pick one. - He was very good and I'm still debating.
David, seriously, listen.
I don't give a shit. Actually, I'd prefer it to be no.
This kid is a great comic,
and, frankly, I make so much more money
off of him if he goes out on tour.
I mean, he goes out for a year, boom, that's my next car,
and he comes back a giant star,
and then I can get him a world tour.
Oh, I'll have to move to the country, I'll have so many cars.
I'll park 'em all over the place,
and then I'll just drive one car to another
all day long.
[sighs] If he were to come work for you,
you'd pay him nothing, and I would have to take that
'cause he wants to do this ridiculous movie so badly.
He's never wanted anything more in his life.
He won't shut up about it.
Frankly, I don't know why. I read the script.
It's terrible. It's a terrible, terrible script.
Now, hold on a second.
It's a brilliant script.
The man who wrote it was nominated for an Oscar.
Did he win? Didn't think so.
I'm just telling you, it's got act three problems,
but, you know, you go ahead
and do what you're gonna do. I don't care.
"I don't care"? That's what you told him?
- [Susie] Yep. - And that it was a terrible script?
- That's right. - After you cornered him at a gay bathhouse?
Look, I had a hunch where he hung out,
but I didn't want to go there. He forced my hand.
What was it like? The bathhouse?
[groans] So many dicks.
- Just as I pictured. - [Susie sighs]
Stop looking at me that way.
You begged him not to hire your client.
That's the opposite of what you're supposed to do.
Look, it was my last play. He said he liked James
but he's also looking at Dick Gregory,
James Earl Jones.
That's stiff competition, so I had to do something.
[chuckles] Stiff.
[Susie and Dinah] Go home, Maggie.
All right.
[sighs] I had to force my way out of the place, too.
Of all the times to form a nude conga line.
So, what now?
Mm. We wait.
Then we throw up. And then we wait.
I signed a really good cabaret singer, though.
That's something.
Mm. James will be thrilled to hear that.
- [men laughing] - [George] So, boys,
how about our secret weapon here?
- Can I spot talent or what? - Hysterical.
Who knew our diaper cream was so funny?
Well, anything involving a tush is generally comedy gold.
- [laughs] - Do you perform like this often?
Every night, as a matter of fact.
You know, George, she should be on the show.
I've never thought of that.
- She could be our spokesperson. - Intriguing.
Uh, fellas.
She could be our funny Diddy Doo Doll.
- Changing a baby. - In a bikini.
[Tom] Yes, because motherhood can be sexy.
- [Ed chuckles] - Okay. Well, it's been lovely speaking
with you, gentlemen. George,
- I'll see you at the office. - All right.
I love this idea.
This is the best idea I've ever heard.
[Darren laughs] Come on.
[Nanette] I got to get back to work.
[Darren] Five minutes. One dance.
- There's no music. - I'll hum a little something. [chuckles]
- [Nanette] Please, let me go. - [Darren] But you're too cute.
- Oy, buddy! - Yeah?
Why don't you let the nice lady finish her shift?
We're just having a chat.
Well, I don't know what your mama taught you,
but you don't need to use your hands to chat.
Oh, it was nothing.
It's not nice to touch things that aren't yours, right?
Ooh. Italian?
Very funny. Give me my coat.
Oh, am I touching something that you don't want touched?
- That's enough. - Do you not like that?
You've made your point, now give it back.
Is it expensive? Looks expensive.
- Give it back. - Does it look good on me?
I just want to see. Oh.
- Oh. - [jacket splashes]
Huh.
You didn't have your keys in there, did you?
- [boat horn honks] - Well, that took a turn.
How embarrassing.
[woman] Well, she's not laughing now.
[elevator bell dings]
[grunts]
Hello there. Susie Myerson, of Susie Myerson and Associates.
I represent... this woman.
Susie, this is Alan Young from NBC Legal,
Barbara Stern, head of Public Relations
and George Toledano, our executive producer.
Susie is Midge's manager.
- You didn't call a lawyer? - I don't have a lawyer.
I, have, uh, my card here.
Jesus, mildew grows fast.
Might want to let these dry out before you put 'em away.
This isn't a friendly "get to know you," miss.
Gordon will be here momentarily.
- Have a seat. - Thank you.
- [elevator bell dings] - [chuckles]
What happened? Why are you wet? What's with the coat?
Long story. I may have fucked up.
Well, well, well. Emergency meetings, my favorite.
Normally, I'd be furious about
being called in from a night out,
but tonight's thing was for an animal rescue
that Hedy loves that I do not,
so you're actually rescuing me.
Wow. This ought to be good.
[George] It's not. There was an incident on the boat.
- What boat? - The boat.
The function with the company.
I'm sorry, the boat thing still happened?
It was already paid for.
- And you were on the boat? - She was.
- [Gordon] Why were you on the boat? - I wanted to help.
- Have maritime skills, do you? - I was the entertainment.
- You entertained sponsors? - Yes, to help out George.
So, not only did the boat party that I said no to still happen,
but this is who you sent up in lieu of me?
A staff writer that gets one joke in every four weeks?
What, was Trudy busy?
Hey, the gig was good. The reps loved it.
And her joke average is way up.
Yeah, all good gigs end with emergency meetings right after.
The gig's not what's in question.
Why don't you stop being coy,
young lady, and tell Gordon exactly why we're here?
Well...
I was arrested by the coast guard.
[Susie] They can arrest people?
Are we free anywhere in this country?
You really should have gone with Trudy.
It wasn't my fault.
There was a guy getting way too friendly with a waitress
who wasn't appreciating it, so I cut in to save her
and things just got a little out of hand.
That's not what I heard. He said nothing happened.
He was merely talking to the girl when this one came over,
assaulted him,
and threw his jacket in the goddamn river.
It's a jacket. He's probably got a closet full of 'em.
Who was this asshole?
He was one of the reps from Diddy Doo.
Diddy Doo? The diaper cream? [chuckles]
They're gonna sponsor the show?
That, George. That's why.
Look, people, this isn't that big a problem.
I mean, what are we looking at here,
a slap on the wrist, a dry cleaning bill?
The charges include aggravated assault
and disorderly conduct.
Wait, they're charging her
for assaulting a guy who was
assaulting somebody else first?
- There's more. - More?
The boat was far enough out from Manhattan that,
technically, we were on a stretch of water
that's considered international.
What?
So, France may have to weigh in.
France? Like France-France?
- That's idiotic. - There's more.
- The "more" guy. - [George] Continue.
Since the guy's wallet was in his jacket
and there was money in his wallet and on a boat,
money is considered treasure...
I technically committed an act of piracy.
Fuck me. You're a pirate?
[Gordon and Mike laughing]
Oh, my God.
This is so much funnier than saving otters.
Don't you laugh. And why are you here?
Just really fucking lucky, I guess.
The press was in attendance, photographs taken
and Barbara's already received several calls for comment.
- And whose fault is that, George? - Hers!
- No, it's yours. - Mine?
You went through with this thing after I said no.
Barbara, you're PR. You should've thought this through.
I was following George's orders.
Really? Do we use that excuse anymore?
- Gordon, we're not... - No, I've been here long enough.
My car is waiting.
George? Not a good week for us, old friend.
You'll fix all this with legal and PR?
Isn't she fired?
No. But I'd hide my wenches and booty from her.
- Alan? - We'll get the charges dropped, Gordon.
Good. And, Barbara,
let the press run whatever they're gonna run tomorrow.
Let the world know that I've got a pirate on my staff.
This isn't over.
It is.
[grunts]
[sighs]
Did you see George's face?
I wasn't this happy when my kids were born.
- [elevator bell dings] - You're a sick fuck, Mike.
Yeah, okay.
I think I'll go home and have dinner with my wife for once.
- [Susie] It's 10:30. - It's New York City, Susie.
Don't be so suburban.
They told me I could keep the coat. I didn't steal the coat.
So it's a win-win. Come on, I'll split a cab with you.
Where's your ship docked, east or west side?
- Don't make me laugh. - Argh.
- [phone rings] - Susie Myerson and Associates. Not him.
- Hang up. - Tell me what he said one more time.
He said you were great and he said that he loved you.
- He said that? - Yes, he said that.
- So, why hasn't he called? - He's going to.
- [phone rings] - Susie Myerson and Associates.
- Not him. - Hang up.
He's gonna call. Trust me.
I got to go walk around the block.
No, no, don't go, James. I got a good feeling about this.
Good feeling? That's enough to get me on the subway
if I find a dime and a nickel.
- [phone rings] - [Maggie] Susie Myerson and Associates.
- Is it him? - [Maggie] No.
Hang up.
Do you think we should cancel the tour
- till we find out? - No.
- Why not? - 'Cause there is no tour. I made that up.
Oh, my God.
"Her name was Diana, but I knew her as DiDi."
Are you doing the scene to yourself again?
Stop doing the scene. Stop it.
- [phone rings] - Susie Myerson and Associates.
Yes, sir. Please hold. David Weston
- is on line one. - David Weston is on line one.
David Weston is on line... [exclaims]
Tell him I'll call him back.
What?! Susie...
[chuckles]
Do it, Ruttles.
Mr. Weston, she's on another call right now.
Sounds like she's gonna be a while,
but she will call you back.
Yes, sir, I promise.
- Bye, now. - [phone thuds in cradle]
[chuckles]
Susie, can I ask you one question?
Shoot.
What are you gonna wear
when I take you to the Oscars?
- Oh, I'll be ready for you. - [chuckles]
Hey, why don't you do that scene for me?
Really?
Yeah. Let's see what all the fuss is about.
"Her name was Diana,
but I knew her as DiDi.
She was my babysitter.
I wanted to marry her,
she wanted me to do my math homework.
The only reason I-I became..."
[man 1] You hear about this Susie Myerson?
She got her comic cast in Weston's new picture.
[man 2] He never hires unknowns.
[man 1] I heard she got a face-to-face with him,
on his turf.
[man 3] How'd she get close to him?
[man 1] She surprised him.
I heard she took anatomy,
then posed as his cardiologist.
I heard she marched right into his daughter's wedding.
Popped up in the back seat of his car.
Jumped out of the cake at his birthday party.
In the confessional booth at St. Patrick's.
Side by side at the Four Seasons.
Got to his housekeeper and told her he was her cousin.
Booked an adjoining room at the Beverly Hilton,
marched right through the shared door.
Took LSD with him and Timothy Leary.
[man 10] Swam up to him in Palm Springs.
[overlapping chatter]
[man] Holy shit.
And will you be needing a shirt as well, madame?
Give me the whole shebang, Jeeves.
Mrs. Maisel. Please.
- Oh, me? - Mm-hmm.
- You sure? - You say everything I think.
A terrifying connection.
- Thank you. - Mm-hmm.
Pardon me, miss, but could I get your autograph as well?
Well, as I live and breathe.
I didn't know you came downtown.
I try not to, but they sell the best smack
on that corner right over there.
- Ah. - Great set, by the way.
You saw my set?
I did. Bought a ticket and everything.
They made you buy a ticket?
Ah, I haven't paid for a ticket in ten years,
but I would have, which I think counts for something.
Oh, well, still, thanks.
So, you hungry? Can I buy you dinner?
Sure. Why not.
There's a great place just up the block.
I have never seen you out of a suit.
And I was expecting you to be in full pirate regalia.
It's my parrot's night off.
This isn't quite where I imagined taking you.
No? Too snobby?
Too sticky. Can they at least turn off
a couple of the fluorescent lights?
Don't worry, one'll burn out in a second.
Lill, a chocolate donut and a coffee
- will save my life. - Coming up.
Hey, Officer Peluso.
Hey, Midge Maisel. I'll be damned.
Nice to see you. Gordon, this is Officer Peluso.
He's arrested me a couple times.
- Really? - Mm.
- Well, it's nice to meet you. - Hey, you're the TV guy.
- That's me. - I almost didn't recognize you without your suit.
- So, how are you doing? - I'm a pirate.
Terrific.
- Ah, thanks, honey. - [chuckles]
Nice meeting you out of uniform. And you, be good.
- You know I won't. - [chuckles]
How many times have you been arrested?
A lady never tells.
So, let's get down to brass tacks here.
- You want? - Sure.
Our second date should be someplace nicer than this.
- This is not a date. - Oh, you're telling me. There's a guy actively dying
in the corner over there.
Okay then, a better first date.
I'm not going on a date with you.
Fine. We'll just start sleeping together. Personally,
I'll miss the romance, but, you know, I'll take what I can get.
- Gordon. Gordon. - Just once then.
We'll do it up nice. Penthouse at the Carlyle,
champagne, robes and slippers for after, or during,
whatever the lady wishes.
A kiss? One...
really terrific kiss?
Come on, you got to at least let me redeem myself on that front.
I'm a much better kisser off the ice.
I'm sure you are, but...
- But... - [sighs]
Gordon, if we started a thing...
Whoa. No one mentioned "a thing."
Let me tell you what would happen.
- Someone would find out... - No one would find out.
Someone would find out.
Go on.
Then everyone would find out.
And nothing would change for you,
but everything would change for me.
No, it wouldn't. I wouldn't let it.
There'd be snickers
and sideways glances
and whispers when I'm in the ladies' room.
You can use my bathroom. It's a much better bathroom.
I've got hand towels with my name on them.
And then, suddenly, I'm just "Gordon's girl."
Not the girl who scored all those great jokes on your show,
not the only woman writer on the number-one show in the country,
just "Gordon's girl."
It's got a nice ring to it, though, the alliteration.
All the work I did to prove myself,
gone in a single stroke.
Now, I must interject here.
It absolutely will not be a single stroke.
I go to the gym for exactly that reason.
But if I'm being honest, the reason that,
in spite of your wit and charm...
And face, don't forget the face.
The reason I cannot sleep with you is
if I'm sleeping with you and I get on the show...
- You're not getting on the show. - Let me finish.
If I'm sleeping with you and I get on the show...
You're never getting on the show.
See, you keep harping on the wrong thing here.
Zip it.
If I'm sleeping with you, when I get on the show...
I'll never really know if I got on because I deserved it
or if I got on because I'm sleeping with you.
I've got a great house in Nantucket.
I've got bicycles. One of them has a basket.
You look like a basket girl to me.
[Ella Fitzgerald: "I'm Beginning to See the Light"]
Had to give it one last shot.
Can we at least have a dance?
♪ But now that the stars are in your eyes ♪
♪ I'm beginning to see the light...
Come on.
♪ I never went in for afterglow ♪
♪ Or candlelight on the mistletoe...
[chuckles]
♪ But now when you turn the lamp down low ♪
♪ I'm beginning to see the light ♪
♪ Used to ramble through the park ♪
♪ Shadowboxing in the dark ♪
♪ Then you came and caused a spark ♪
♪ That's a four-alarm fire now ♪
♪ I never made love by lantern-shine ♪
♪ I never saw rainbows in my wine ♪
♪ But now that your lips are burning mine ♪
♪ I'm beginning to see the light ♪
♪ Now that your lips are burning mine ♪
♪ I'm beginning ♪
♪ To see the light ♪♪
[Tim Curry: "A Professional Pirate"]
♪ When I was just a lad ♪
♪ Looking for my true vocation ♪
♪ My father said, "Now, son ♪
♪ This choice deserves deliberation ♪
♪ Though you could be a doctor ♪
♪ Or perhaps a financier ♪
♪ My boy, why not consider a more challenging career?" ♪
♪ Hey, ho, ho ♪
- ♪ You'll cruise to foreign shores ♪ - ♪ [laughs] ♪
- ♪ Sing it, lads ♪ - ♪ And you'll keep your mind ♪
- ♪ And body sound ♪ - ♪ Show 'em you've been practicing ♪
♪ By working out of doors ♪
♪ True friendship and adventure ♪
♪ Are what we can't live without ♪
♪ And when you're a professional pirate ♪
♪ That's what the job's about ♪
♪ Upstage, lads ♪
♪ This is my only number ♪
♪ Now, take Sir Francis Drake ♪
♪ The Spanish all despise him ♪
♪ But to the British ♪
♪ He's a hero, and they idolize him ♪
♪ It's how you look at buccaneers ♪
♪ That makes them bad or good ♪
♪ And I see us as members of a noble brotherhood ♪
- ♪ Hey, ho, ho ♪ - ♪ Oh, I love it ♪
- ♪ We're honorable men ♪ - ♪ 'Tis poetry in motion ♪
♪ And before we lose our tempers we will ♪
♪ Always count to ten ♪
♪ On occasion, there may be someone ♪
♪ You have to execute ♪
♪ But when you're a professional pirate ♪
♪ You don't have to wear a suit ♪
♪ Hey, ho, ho ♪
♪ It's one for all for one ♪
♪ And we'll share and share alike with you ♪
♪ And love you like a son ♪
♪ We're gentlemen of fortune ♪
♪ And that's what we're bound to be ♪
♪ And when you're a professional pirate ♪
♪ You'll be honest, brave, and free ♪
♪ The soul of decency ♪
♪ You'll be loyal and fair and on the square ♪
♪ And most importantly ♪
♪ When you're a professional pirate ♪
♪ You're always in the ♪
♪ Best of company! ♪