1
00:00:01,208 --> 00:00:05,488
[Indistinct conversations]

2
00:00:05,488 --> 00:00:08,284
[Music plays]

3
00:00:23,471 --> 00:00:24,852
Neal?

4
00:00:24,852 --> 00:00:25,784
-You must be Molly.
-[Laughs]

5
00:00:25,784 --> 00:00:27,855
Relax.
Take your coat off.

6
00:00:27,855 --> 00:00:29,374
Okay. Sorry.

7
00:00:29,374 --> 00:00:31,169
[Clears throat]
I'm a little nervous.

8
00:00:31,169 --> 00:00:33,654
I've never gone out with someone
I met online before, so...

9
00:00:33,654 --> 00:00:34,758
You're kidding.

10
00:00:34,758 --> 00:00:35,828
No.
[Exhales sharply]

11
00:00:35,828 --> 00:00:37,278
Well,
I am on all of them...

12
00:00:37,278 --> 00:00:38,452
[Exhales sharply]

13
00:00:38,452 --> 00:00:40,730
...Tinder, Hinge, Holefinder,
you name it.

14
00:00:40,730 --> 00:00:45,114
Although after tonight,
I may be closing my accounts.

15
00:00:45,114 --> 00:00:46,563
[Chuckles]

16
00:00:46,563 --> 00:00:47,978
[Giggles]

17
00:00:47,978 --> 00:00:50,360
O-kay...

18
00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:51,741
[Gulping]

19
00:00:56,090 --> 00:00:57,816
-Uh...
-[Exhales sharply]

20
00:00:57,816 --> 00:01:00,025
You want to go screw
in the toilet?

21
00:01:00,025 --> 00:01:03,925
Yes.
Yes, I do.

22
00:01:03,925 --> 00:01:06,652
[Moaning]

23
00:01:06,652 --> 00:01:08,137
God, you're amazing.

24
00:01:08,137 --> 00:01:10,656
Tell me you love me.
[Panting]

25
00:01:10,656 --> 00:01:12,589
What?

26
00:01:12,589 --> 00:01:13,901
Tell me...you love me.

27
00:01:13,901 --> 00:01:15,523
-Uh..
-Mm! Mm!

28
00:01:15,523 --> 00:01:16,524
I...I don't know.

29
00:01:16,524 --> 00:01:17,525
Yeah.

30
00:01:17,525 --> 00:01:19,113
Tell me you love me.

31
00:01:19,113 --> 00:01:21,529
Uh...
Oh!

32
00:01:21,529 --> 00:01:24,567
Oh, you are
a nasty little smurf.

33
00:01:24,567 --> 00:01:25,740
I love you.

34
00:01:25,740 --> 00:01:27,432
Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah.

35
00:01:27,432 --> 00:01:31,091
[Demonic growling, screaming]

36
00:01:37,925 --> 00:01:40,893
Good night, guys.
See you tomorrow.

37
00:01:45,105 --> 00:01:46,865
[Knocks on door]

38
00:01:46,865 --> 00:01:47,900
[Door creaks]

39
00:01:47,900 --> 00:01:50,317
All clear in here?
Closing up.

40
00:01:50,317 --> 00:01:54,286
Hey, buddy, you okay?

41
00:01:54,286 --> 00:01:56,219
Bar's closed.

42
00:02:00,913 --> 00:02:07,403
[Screams]

43
00:02:08,852 --> 00:02:11,924
♪♪

44
00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:32,221
Man on radio:
We can expect temps today

45
00:02:32,221 --> 00:02:34,188
in the low 50s to upper 60s.

46
00:02:34,188 --> 00:02:35,707
-What's wrong, Jean?
-Oh, Jesus.

47
00:02:35,707 --> 00:02:37,502
Jean: I'm supposed
to visit my Nana,

48
00:02:37,502 --> 00:02:39,642
but I'm up to here
with old-lady stink.

49
00:02:39,642 --> 00:02:41,333
You need Decay Away!

50
00:02:41,333 --> 00:02:44,164
Decay Away?
Tell me more!

51
00:02:47,753 --> 00:02:49,686
[Exhales sharply]

52
00:02:49,686 --> 00:02:50,756
Hungover?

53
00:02:50,756 --> 00:02:55,036
No.
[Inhales sharply]

54
00:02:55,036 --> 00:02:59,213
I just...picked up Grace
at her father's

55
00:02:59,213 --> 00:03:00,904
and his girlfriend
was there.

56
00:03:00,904 --> 00:03:03,459
I'm sorry,
did I say girlfriend?

57
00:03:03,459 --> 00:03:06,841
I meant "Fiancée."
And how do I know that?

58
00:03:06,841 --> 00:03:08,705
'Cause she has the ring.

59
00:03:08,705 --> 00:03:10,604
His bitchy grandmother's

60
00:03:10,604 --> 00:03:13,917
diamond engagement ring --
giant.

61
00:03:13,917 --> 00:03:15,781
And she wouldn't
give it to me,

62
00:03:15,781 --> 00:03:18,163
because my hands
are "Too masculine."

63
00:03:18,163 --> 00:03:20,372
Your timing couldn't be
more perfect.

64
00:03:20,372 --> 00:03:22,892
They're doing speed dating
tomorrow night at Champs.

65
00:03:22,892 --> 00:03:25,550
[Groans]
Champs is for losers.

66
00:03:25,550 --> 00:03:27,517
Also, what if they
won't let me in,

67
00:03:27,517 --> 00:03:29,381
you know,
with my "Monster hands"?

68
00:03:29,381 --> 00:03:32,108
Come on, you're new to the area,
you work all the time.

69
00:03:32,108 --> 00:03:34,006
How are you gonna
meet someone new?

70
00:03:34,006 --> 00:03:35,007
Hey, I'm gonna be there.

71
00:03:35,007 --> 00:03:37,320
I'll help screen out
all the creeps.

72
00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:40,323
No. You're not
the best judge of crazy.

73
00:03:40,323 --> 00:03:43,913
[ "Rollin' Coal
[Me and My Crew]"plays]

74
00:03:43,913 --> 00:03:47,779
No, I would -- I would need
someone really judgmental.

75
00:03:49,367 --> 00:03:54,199
[Indistinct conversations]

76
00:03:54,199 --> 00:03:57,478
Wow.
That's -- It's funny --

77
00:03:57,478 --> 00:04:01,068
I-I don't see any boxing ring,
and I don't see no bear.

78
00:04:01,068 --> 00:04:03,553
In fact, I don't even
see no Russian

79
00:04:03,553 --> 00:04:05,106
about to fight a bear.

80
00:04:05,106 --> 00:04:06,349
All I actually do see

81
00:04:06,349 --> 00:04:10,284
is an ocean of boring
with no land in sight.

82
00:04:10,284 --> 00:04:12,010
-Name tags!
-I'm sorry.

83
00:04:12,010 --> 00:04:15,393
I made up the bear stuff,
'cause I didn't think

84
00:04:15,393 --> 00:04:18,534
that you would willingly
come to speed dating.

85
00:04:18,534 --> 00:04:21,468
I'd willingly give a bear
a prostate exam

86
00:04:21,468 --> 00:04:25,610
before I'd willingly come to
speed dating, for Christ's sake.

87
00:04:25,610 --> 00:04:29,130
Please? Okay.
You know everybody in town.

88
00:04:29,130 --> 00:04:31,685
Just point out
the weirdos.

89
00:04:31,685 --> 00:04:33,480
A bear fight --

90
00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:35,344
It's the stuff dreams
are made of.

91
00:04:35,344 --> 00:04:37,415
You got to let that go.

92
00:04:42,351 --> 00:04:45,630
You're a shining star.

93
00:04:51,014 --> 00:04:53,085
[Exhales sharply]

94
00:04:55,985 --> 00:04:58,125
[Clears throat]

95
00:04:58,125 --> 00:05:00,472
So, did you always want to pull
weeds at the cemetery?

96
00:05:00,472 --> 00:05:03,441
T-totally.
Yeah. Totally.

97
00:05:03,441 --> 00:05:06,375
Her name is Maisy,
and I have a cat tree for her,

98
00:05:06,375 --> 00:05:08,791
and it has a little planter
that I made,

99
00:05:08,791 --> 00:05:13,002
and I just love just
to hold her at night.

100
00:05:13,002 --> 00:05:14,072
-Cheers!
-Hey!

101
00:05:14,072 --> 00:05:15,142
Okay,
s-sure, sure, sure.

102
00:05:15,142 --> 00:05:16,005
Cheers.
-Right here. [Chuckles]

103
00:05:16,005 --> 00:05:18,110
-Oh, eye contact. Right.
-Yes.

104
00:05:18,110 --> 00:05:20,009
-Important.
-We already met.

105
00:05:20,009 --> 00:05:20,906
You remember?

106
00:05:20,906 --> 00:05:22,563
I don't think so.

107
00:05:22,563 --> 00:05:25,117
Yeah, you arrested me
for peeing in a mailbox.

108
00:05:27,361 --> 00:05:30,053
All these balloons kind of
look like boobs to me,

109
00:05:30,053 --> 00:05:31,054
don-- don't they?

110
00:05:31,054 --> 00:05:32,849
What?

111
00:05:34,092 --> 00:05:35,542
But she's the boss.

112
00:05:35,542 --> 00:05:38,476
She keeps all
the other cats in line.

113
00:05:38,476 --> 00:05:39,649
Y'ever see a cat
fight a snake?

114
00:05:39,649 --> 00:05:40,685
What?

115
00:05:40,685 --> 00:05:43,550
That's what I'd like to see.
Or better yet --

116
00:05:43,550 --> 00:05:46,173
You ever see a cat fed
into an industrial chipper?

117
00:05:46,173 --> 00:05:47,623
[Gasps]

118
00:05:47,623 --> 00:05:50,177
It's a cat blizzard...cat.

119
00:05:50,177 --> 00:05:52,455
Oh!

120
00:05:52,455 --> 00:05:54,284
You like liquor?

121
00:05:54,284 --> 00:05:55,527
-It's fine.
-Good.

122
00:05:55,527 --> 00:05:57,978
I like liquor, too.
Connection.

123
00:05:57,978 --> 00:05:59,669
Bottoms up.

124
00:05:59,669 --> 00:06:01,809
Oh, I have always wanted
a pot-bellied pig,

125
00:06:01,809 --> 00:06:03,397
but they're
very expensive.

126
00:06:03,397 --> 00:06:04,674
I mean, I have "pig money,"

127
00:06:04,674 --> 00:06:07,574
but not, like, "Pig Money,"
if you know what I mean.

128
00:06:19,068 --> 00:06:20,897
[Music ends]

129
00:06:20,897 --> 00:06:22,382
[Sighs]

130
00:06:26,903 --> 00:06:29,423
Go ahead
and make this snappy.

131
00:06:29,423 --> 00:06:30,562
I got to whiz.

132
00:06:30,562 --> 00:06:31,736
No, you don't.

133
00:06:31,736 --> 00:06:34,635
It's straight bourbon,
if you want some.

134
00:06:34,635 --> 00:06:37,017
All righty, then.

135
00:06:42,816 --> 00:06:45,335
So, what are you,
about 5'8"?

136
00:06:45,335 --> 00:06:47,786
6'2",
eyes are blue, sister.

137
00:06:47,786 --> 00:06:48,925
Hmm.

138
00:06:50,513 --> 00:06:53,309
Hey. I'm Sloan.

139
00:06:53,309 --> 00:06:55,276
Uh, I'm Evie.

140
00:06:55,276 --> 00:06:56,519
Nice to meet you.

141
00:06:56,519 --> 00:06:57,658
Nice to meet you.

142
00:06:57,658 --> 00:06:59,557
This is totally weird,
right?

143
00:06:59,557 --> 00:07:01,593
Oh, my God, yes.
Yeah, really kind of is.

144
00:07:01,593 --> 00:07:03,077
You know, you'd think
they'd separate us

145
00:07:03,077 --> 00:07:04,596
into
age-appropriate groups.

146
00:07:04,596 --> 00:07:06,184
But then I guess I wouldn't
have gotten to talk

147
00:07:06,184 --> 00:07:07,530
about catheters
so much tonight.

148
00:07:07,530 --> 00:07:09,636
[Laughs]Thought I was the only one
sitting --

149
00:07:09,636 --> 00:07:10,809
-Lucky you.
-I know.

150
00:07:10,809 --> 00:07:12,673
-Yeah.
-I -- I know I just sat down,

151
00:07:12,673 --> 00:07:14,572
but you are, like,
the first person I've met

152
00:07:14,572 --> 00:07:15,607
that seems kind of normal.

153
00:07:15,607 --> 00:07:18,127
You want to...go somewhere?

154
00:07:19,784 --> 00:07:22,821
I know. It takes a lot
of work to be an alcoholic.

155
00:07:22,821 --> 00:07:25,341
I'm in.

156
00:07:25,341 --> 00:07:26,411
-All right.
-Sure, why not?

157
00:07:26,411 --> 00:07:28,344
-Let's do it.
-Okay.

158
00:07:28,344 --> 00:07:31,589
[Music plays]

159
00:07:36,283 --> 00:07:38,319
So...this is me.

160
00:07:38,319 --> 00:07:39,424
Oh.

161
00:07:39,424 --> 00:07:41,633
Yeah. You really didn't have
to walk me

162
00:07:41,633 --> 00:07:43,497
all the way up
to my house.

163
00:07:43,497 --> 00:07:45,361
You know, I'm -- I'm
the sheriff, remember?

164
00:07:45,361 --> 00:07:46,983
-Right.
-[Laughs]

165
00:07:46,983 --> 00:07:49,848
So, Sheriff,
are you busy this week?

166
00:07:49,848 --> 00:07:54,128
Yeah, I'm just -- But, you know,
just sheriffing,

167
00:07:54,128 --> 00:07:56,372
uh, and,
you know, mothering.

168
00:07:56,372 --> 00:07:58,581
You should call me.

169
00:07:58,581 --> 00:08:01,170
We can...do
something normal.

170
00:08:01,170 --> 00:08:02,896
-Great.
-Great.

171
00:08:02,896 --> 00:08:04,000
[Clears throat]

172
00:08:07,383 --> 00:08:09,523
-Good night.
-Night.

173
00:08:09,523 --> 00:08:12,492
Okay...um...bye.

174
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:14,494
-Yeah.
-Right.

175
00:08:18,118 --> 00:08:19,222
[Keys jostle]

176
00:08:19,222 --> 00:08:21,742
[Lock clicks]

177
00:08:25,435 --> 00:08:27,921
[Electrical whirring]

178
00:08:37,551 --> 00:08:39,553
[Stan hums]

179
00:08:39,553 --> 00:08:40,934
[Doorbell rings rapidly]

180
00:08:50,322 --> 00:08:51,945
[Birds chirping]

181
00:08:54,016 --> 00:08:56,397
Oh! Oh, my God!

182
00:08:56,397 --> 00:08:58,468
[Snorts]

183
00:08:58,468 --> 00:09:01,610
It's a boy!
[Gasps]

184
00:09:01,610 --> 00:09:04,716
Thank you.
Thank you for granting my wish.

185
00:09:04,716 --> 00:09:07,236
We are soul mates.
I just know it.

186
00:09:10,446 --> 00:09:12,241
[Telephone ringing]

187
00:09:15,900 --> 00:09:19,006
What? Yeah.

188
00:09:19,006 --> 00:09:21,215
Well, of course I remember you.

189
00:09:21,215 --> 00:09:23,217
I ain't senile, for God sake.

190
00:09:23,217 --> 00:09:25,910
Yeah.

191
00:09:25,910 --> 00:09:27,497
Well, sure.

192
00:09:27,497 --> 00:09:29,051
Yeah, I know that place.

193
00:09:29,051 --> 00:09:30,915
All right, then.

194
00:09:30,915 --> 00:09:33,020
Yeah, I'll meet you for lunch.

195
00:09:33,020 --> 00:09:35,575
All right. See you then.
I look forward to it. Bye.

196
00:09:42,167 --> 00:09:43,859
Denise![Thud]

197
00:09:43,859 --> 00:09:47,138
♪ Lovey-wovey-wovey-
lovey-dovies ♪

198
00:09:47,138 --> 00:09:49,519
Denise.

199
00:09:50,279 --> 00:09:52,108
♪ Lovey-wovey-wovey-
lovey-dovies ♪

200
00:09:52,108 --> 00:09:53,489
Did you eat my bacon?

201
00:09:53,489 --> 00:09:55,387
I took it,
but I didn't eat it.

202
00:09:55,387 --> 00:09:57,113
♪ ...makes my heart
skip a beat ♪

203
00:09:57,113 --> 00:10:00,738
[Pot-bellied pig grunts]♪ Lovey-wovey-wovey-dovey,
you're so cute ♪

204
00:10:00,738 --> 00:10:02,636
You fed my bacon to a pig?

205
00:10:02,636 --> 00:10:05,777
Everybody loves bacon --
Oh.

206
00:10:05,777 --> 00:10:06,916
It's unnatural.

207
00:10:06,916 --> 00:10:08,331
Where the hell
did the pig come from?

208
00:10:08,331 --> 00:10:09,539
I don't know.

209
00:10:09,539 --> 00:10:11,921
Last night, I was talking
about wanting a pig,

210
00:10:11,921 --> 00:10:14,821
and then I woke up this morning
and there he was.

211
00:10:14,821 --> 00:10:17,617
I named him Murgatroyd.
I think we're soul mates.

212
00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:19,619
Remember this day,

213
00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:22,932
because soon
I'm gonna tear my head off,

214
00:10:22,932 --> 00:10:24,520
throw it
through the window,

215
00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:27,350
and escape out
the broken glass.

216
00:10:27,350 --> 00:10:29,905
Remember this day.

217
00:10:29,905 --> 00:10:32,217
[Whispering]
What are you doing?

218
00:10:32,217 --> 00:10:33,322
Get back in here!

219
00:10:36,083 --> 00:10:38,707
Well, it looks like someone
got lucky last night.

220
00:10:38,707 --> 00:10:40,640
I don't know
what you're talking about.

221
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:41,744
Well, look at me.

222
00:10:41,744 --> 00:10:44,091
I got a spring in my step,
a rosy glow.

223
00:10:44,091 --> 00:10:46,680
I mean, I didn't technically
meet anybody, but I j--

224
00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:48,061
All right.
If you must know,

225
00:10:48,061 --> 00:10:50,753
I did meet a charming gentleman
last night,

226
00:10:50,753 --> 00:10:53,238
and he walked me to my door
and that was that.

227
00:10:53,238 --> 00:10:54,826
You could have fooled me.

228
00:10:54,826 --> 00:10:57,311
You look like
you were out all night.

229
00:10:57,311 --> 00:10:59,520
Now, I didn't meet anybody
at the party,

230
00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:02,420
but after, this chick sent me
the filthiest text.

231
00:11:02,420 --> 00:11:03,386
Ah, let me read it.

232
00:11:03,386 --> 00:11:06,424
"What has four legs
and a hump?"

233
00:11:06,424 --> 00:11:07,701
Oh, my God...

234
00:11:07,701 --> 00:11:09,116
"You and me on a date."
[Chuckles]

235
00:11:09,116 --> 00:11:11,947
What the hell
is happening to me?

236
00:11:11,947 --> 00:11:15,916
I will have the number 3 --
the fried-shrimp

237
00:11:15,916 --> 00:11:20,472
double-bacon-egg and cheese
burger, medium rare.

238
00:11:20,472 --> 00:11:23,717
And I will have
the garden salad.

239
00:11:23,717 --> 00:11:24,649
And instead
of what he ordered,

240
00:11:24,649 --> 00:11:26,099
he'll have
the grilled salmon.

241
00:11:26,099 --> 00:11:27,756
Thanks.

242
00:11:30,517 --> 00:11:34,072
What would you say
just happened there?

243
00:11:34,072 --> 00:11:37,524
Stanley, eating like that
is gonna kill you.

244
00:11:37,524 --> 00:11:39,733
I want you
nice and healthy.

245
00:11:39,733 --> 00:11:43,081
It's hard to even imagine
that you've been divorced.

246
00:11:43,081 --> 00:11:45,532
Look, you're even
losing your hair.

247
00:11:45,532 --> 00:11:47,983
Ah, I think
it just committed suicide

248
00:11:47,983 --> 00:11:51,538
when it found out what I was
actually having for lunch.

249
00:11:51,538 --> 00:11:53,471
Stick with me,
and you'll live forever.

250
00:11:53,471 --> 00:11:56,267
Hmm.
[Giggles]

251
00:11:56,267 --> 00:11:59,339
It already feels like it.

252
00:11:59,339 --> 00:12:01,134
[Whistles tune]

253
00:12:04,171 --> 00:12:06,898
♪ I'm feelin' light
in the head ♪

254
00:12:06,898 --> 00:12:10,281
♪ I think you put
a spell over me ♪

255
00:12:10,281 --> 00:12:13,284
♪ I'm walking
on a cotton-candy cloud ♪

256
00:12:13,284 --> 00:12:16,425
♪ And yet I'm going weak
in the knees ♪

257
00:12:17,184 --> 00:12:20,774
♪ I've got the
lovey-wovey-wovey-lovey-dovies ♪

258
00:12:20,774 --> 00:12:22,086
♪ Lovey-dovies

259
00:12:22,086 --> 00:12:23,915
♪ The lovey-wovey-
wovey-lovey-dovies ♪

260
00:12:23,915 --> 00:12:25,123
♪ Lovey-dovies

261
00:12:25,123 --> 00:12:26,849
♪ For you

262
00:12:26,849 --> 00:12:29,265
♪ You swept me
right off my feet ♪

263
00:12:29,265 --> 00:12:30,094
♪ Ooh, lovey-dovey

264
00:12:30,094 --> 00:12:31,923
♪ You took my breath away

265
00:12:31,923 --> 00:12:33,131
♪ Ooh, lovey-dovies

266
00:12:33,131 --> 00:12:36,894
♪ It's like you gave me
a fe-e-ver ♪

267
00:12:36,894 --> 00:12:40,276
♪ And I want it to stay

268
00:12:40,276 --> 00:12:43,486
♪ I've got the
lovey-wovey-wovey-lovey-dovies ♪

269
00:12:43,486 --> 00:12:44,833
So nice, so nice.

270
00:12:44,833 --> 00:12:46,938
♪ The lovey-wovey-
wovey-lovey-dovies ♪

271
00:12:46,938 --> 00:12:48,146
♪ Lovey-dovies

272
00:12:48,146 --> 00:12:49,838
♪ For you

273
00:12:49,838 --> 00:12:50,804
♪ Lovey-dovey for you

274
00:12:50,804 --> 00:12:51,667
Here, let me
help you, sweetie.

275
00:12:51,667 --> 00:12:53,911
Oh!
[Bone cracks]
Oh.

276
00:12:53,911 --> 00:12:55,498
[Exhales sharply]

277
00:12:55,498 --> 00:12:57,259
[Gasping] We did it.

278
00:12:57,259 --> 00:12:58,778
Sweet relief.

279
00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:00,193
Good work.

280
00:13:00,193 --> 00:13:02,402
[Sighs]

281
00:13:02,402 --> 00:13:07,096
Evie, there's something
I want to say to you.

282
00:13:07,096 --> 00:13:11,135
It's about how I feel, and...
I hope you feel it, too.

283
00:13:11,135 --> 00:13:12,584
Oh.

284
00:13:12,584 --> 00:13:15,553
Oh, Evie,
say you love me.

285
00:13:15,553 --> 00:13:17,797
What?

286
00:13:26,081 --> 00:13:26,944
Goodbye.

287
00:13:26,944 --> 00:13:28,497
[Exhales sharply]

288
00:13:36,229 --> 00:13:38,541
[Sighs]

289
00:13:38,541 --> 00:13:40,750
[Sickly] I'm home!

290
00:13:40,750 --> 00:13:43,408
[Coughs]

291
00:13:43,408 --> 00:13:45,307
Hmm.

292
00:13:49,483 --> 00:13:51,140
Oh! Aah!

293
00:13:51,140 --> 00:13:53,833
Aah!

294
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:56,456
Aaaaah!!

295
00:14:02,186 --> 00:14:05,327
Hmm.

296
00:14:05,327 --> 00:14:06,397
No.

297
00:14:06,397 --> 00:14:08,192
Denise: You know, we should
probably put in

298
00:14:08,192 --> 00:14:09,193
a pig door for Murgatroyd,

299
00:14:09,193 --> 00:14:10,677
so he can come
and go as he pleases.

300
00:14:10,677 --> 00:14:11,816
Don't you think?

301
00:14:11,816 --> 00:14:13,335
He ain't gonna stay
little forever.

302
00:14:13,335 --> 00:14:14,543
Before you know it,

303
00:14:14,543 --> 00:14:17,132
he's gonna be a big, fat,
regular pig like everybody else.

304
00:14:19,824 --> 00:14:23,103
Hey.
There you go, buddy.

305
00:14:23,103 --> 00:14:24,208
[Snorts]

306
00:14:24,208 --> 00:14:25,174
Yeah.

307
00:14:25,174 --> 00:14:27,038
Probably shouldn't offer you
an apple

308
00:14:27,038 --> 00:14:29,351
standing this close
to the oven, should I?

309
00:14:29,351 --> 00:14:31,042
[Doorbell ringing,
Murgatroyd squeals]

310
00:14:31,042 --> 00:14:33,148
Right.
I see your point.

311
00:14:34,908 --> 00:14:36,945
Eh, we don't want any.

312
00:14:36,945 --> 00:14:38,463
What the hell
happened to you?

313
00:14:38,463 --> 00:14:39,464
[Evie gasps]

314
00:14:39,464 --> 00:14:41,777
You used to be pretty,
and now you look like

315
00:14:41,777 --> 00:14:43,917
the business end
of a baboon's asshole.

316
00:14:43,917 --> 00:14:46,886
Thanks.
Can I -- can I come in?

317
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:49,509
Yeah. Want an apple?

318
00:14:49,509 --> 00:14:51,891
No! No. God, no.

319
00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:54,376
Can't seem to sell
this thing.

320
00:14:54,376 --> 00:14:56,240
Oh, Christ.

321
00:15:01,417 --> 00:15:03,247
Well, look
at the bright side --

322
00:15:03,247 --> 00:15:05,490
Now you can say
all the racist shit you want.

323
00:15:05,490 --> 00:15:08,010
Hell, I -- I can't wait
to be your age.

324
00:15:08,010 --> 00:15:10,875
[Sighs] All right.
We got ourselves a succubus.

325
00:15:10,875 --> 00:15:12,946
Stan, how you feel
since you, uh,

326
00:15:12,946 --> 00:15:14,189
since you met Brenda?

327
00:15:14,189 --> 00:15:16,329
Awful! She's always
pecking away at me.

328
00:15:16,329 --> 00:15:18,918
She won't let me eat
what I want, and she...

329
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:20,609
Hell,
she gave me a watch.

330
00:15:20,609 --> 00:15:22,024
What?
A watch is nice.

331
00:15:22,024 --> 00:15:23,715
Well, it's not
a watch-watch.

332
00:15:23,715 --> 00:15:24,854
It counts your steps,

333
00:15:24,854 --> 00:15:26,339
and is that what we've become
as a country,

334
00:15:26,339 --> 00:15:28,099
a bunch of nancies afraid
to eat bread,

335
00:15:28,099 --> 00:15:29,342
counting our steps?

336
00:15:29,342 --> 00:15:30,308
Tell you, the first thing
I want to count

337
00:15:30,308 --> 00:15:31,482
is how many steps
it takes me

338
00:15:31,482 --> 00:15:33,760
to run my head
into a band saw.
All right.

339
00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:37,108
So, it says that a succubus,
uh, drains its life force

340
00:15:37,108 --> 00:15:38,903
from its victim,
and, uh,

341
00:15:38,903 --> 00:15:41,975
its ultimate goal is
to make that willing victim

342
00:15:41,975 --> 00:15:43,218
fall in love,

343
00:15:43,218 --> 00:15:45,910
and then it can shape-shift
into its true from.

344
00:15:45,910 --> 00:15:49,120
All right -- Me, you --
Where's Denise?

345
00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:51,709
She's playing
with her pig.

346
00:15:51,709 --> 00:15:55,437
Literally.
She...she has a pig.

347
00:15:55,437 --> 00:15:56,921
Okay.

348
00:15:56,921 --> 00:16:00,235
So, a succubus needs
a willing companion, right?

349
00:16:00,235 --> 00:16:02,375
So we just go
to dump their asses.

350
00:16:02,375 --> 00:16:04,549
Oh, breaking up
with a woman is easy.

351
00:16:04,549 --> 00:16:07,000
You just look 'em in the eye
and you say,

352
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:09,934
"I know you're pregnant,
and I-I know it ain't mine."

353
00:16:09,934 --> 00:16:11,729
-Okay.
-And even if she ain't pregnant,

354
00:16:11,729 --> 00:16:14,249
she gets so angry that she --
she just goes nuts,

355
00:16:14,249 --> 00:16:16,768
and that's when you go,
"Look, I'm out of here."

356
00:16:16,768 --> 00:16:18,115
[Scoffs]
"You're nuts."

357
00:16:18,115 --> 00:16:19,461
[Scoffs]
-All right. Okay!

358
00:16:19,461 --> 00:16:23,465
Here it is -- a Sumerian
break-up incantation.

359
00:16:23,465 --> 00:16:24,466
This is great.

360
00:16:24,466 --> 00:16:27,262
Now, we have to do this
one at a time...

361
00:16:27,262 --> 00:16:29,885
because you got to be
wearing this amulet.

362
00:16:29,885 --> 00:16:31,093
[Amulet jostles]

363
00:16:31,093 --> 00:16:33,854
Uh...I am supposed
to meet Sloan for a date

364
00:16:33,854 --> 00:16:35,235
in 30 minutes.

365
00:16:35,235 --> 00:16:37,824
You sit tight.
Don't do anything.

366
00:16:37,824 --> 00:16:40,482
I'm gonna break up
with the succubus.

367
00:16:40,482 --> 00:16:41,862
[Bones cracking]

368
00:16:41,862 --> 00:16:43,071
Oh, Jesus!

369
00:16:43,071 --> 00:16:45,832
Don't --
Don't offer to help.

370
00:16:45,832 --> 00:16:46,902
[Coughs]

371
00:16:46,902 --> 00:16:48,421
It never occurred to me.

372
00:16:48,421 --> 00:16:49,318
[Inhales sharply]

373
00:16:49,318 --> 00:16:51,148
[Music plays in background]

374
00:16:51,148 --> 00:16:53,874
[Indistinct conversations]

375
00:16:53,874 --> 00:16:55,186
Thank you.

376
00:16:55,186 --> 00:16:56,187
[Door closes]

377
00:16:56,187 --> 00:16:57,809
Hey, hey.
There's my girl.

378
00:16:57,809 --> 00:17:00,847
[Clears throat]
Sloan, uh...

379
00:17:00,847 --> 00:17:03,263
We need to talk.

380
00:17:03,263 --> 00:17:07,302
Okay, sure.
Everything okay?

381
00:17:07,302 --> 00:17:08,717
Barra...

382
00:17:08,717 --> 00:17:10,201
Babe, what is this?

383
00:17:10,201 --> 00:17:12,997
[Groans]
...Darisam...

384
00:17:12,997 --> 00:17:14,861
[Laughing] Okay.

385
00:17:14,861 --> 00:17:15,931
Don't you say it,
you old hag!

386
00:17:15,931 --> 00:17:16,863
Not in this bar.

387
00:17:16,863 --> 00:17:18,968
[Coughs] Galal!

388
00:17:18,968 --> 00:17:20,108
[Demonic scream]

389
00:17:20,108 --> 00:17:21,661
[Splattering]

390
00:17:26,597 --> 00:17:29,013
[Laughs]

391
00:17:29,013 --> 00:17:30,877
[Gasps]

392
00:17:30,877 --> 00:17:33,224
Hey, nice work
with that bat.

393
00:17:33,224 --> 00:17:37,366
Although, since the victim
has obviously disappeared,

394
00:17:37,366 --> 00:17:38,919
that leads me to believe

395
00:17:38,919 --> 00:17:40,818
that this was
all just a dream!

396
00:17:40,818 --> 00:17:45,685
Ga-lala-lala -- Everyone
just continue dreaming!

397
00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:49,309
[Door closes]

398
00:17:49,309 --> 00:17:53,210
We'll be back with more
"Deadliest Chefs."

399
00:17:53,210 --> 00:17:55,626
Woman:
What's wrong, Jean?

400
00:17:55,626 --> 00:17:56,937
Jean: I'm supposed
to visit my Nana,

401
00:17:56,937 --> 00:17:57,731
but I'm up to here
with old-lady --

402
00:17:57,731 --> 00:17:58,387
Guys, it works!
Huh?

403
00:17:58,387 --> 00:18:00,838
Stan, we got to find Brenda.

404
00:18:00,838 --> 00:18:04,497
[Slowly] Hey.

405
00:18:04,497 --> 00:18:08,087
Denise, have you been dating
anyone recently?

406
00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:10,330
[Scoffs] No.

407
00:18:10,330 --> 00:18:12,850
Or just, like, hanging out
with somebody new?

408
00:18:12,850 --> 00:18:16,509
No, nobody
but Murgatroyd.

409
00:18:16,509 --> 00:18:18,269
The pig.

410
00:18:18,269 --> 00:18:20,133
Well, that's it.
That's it!

411
00:18:20,133 --> 00:18:22,273
Denise, you got
to get rid of him.

412
00:18:22,273 --> 00:18:23,447
[Amulet jostles]

413
00:18:23,447 --> 00:18:26,588
I can't.
No, I-I'm going to my room.

414
00:18:26,588 --> 00:18:27,451
Murgatroyd.

415
00:18:27,451 --> 00:18:30,868
[Panting] Why can't...I run?
Why...

416
00:18:30,868 --> 00:18:32,801
-Oh, for Christ sake...
-Do you not -- Denise!

417
00:18:34,354 --> 00:18:36,253
Denise!
He's gonna kill you!

418
00:18:36,253 --> 00:18:37,461
[Doorknob jostles]

419
00:18:37,461 --> 00:18:39,083
Denise:
He wouldn't do that!

420
00:18:39,083 --> 00:18:40,119
He's just a pig!

421
00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:41,189
That's it.

422
00:18:41,189 --> 00:18:43,605
Tomorrow,
I am taking this door off.

423
00:18:43,605 --> 00:18:46,435
You have officially lost
your door privileges.

424
00:18:46,435 --> 00:18:48,679
I mean, why tomorrow.
Why not today?

425
00:18:48,679 --> 00:18:49,680
That's curious.

426
00:18:49,680 --> 00:18:51,958
It's never quite enough
for you, is it, huh?

427
00:18:51,958 --> 00:18:54,409
[Electric whirring,
demonic growling]

428
00:18:57,584 --> 00:18:58,930
[Screams]

429
00:18:58,930 --> 00:19:00,415
[Demonic howl]

430
00:19:02,865 --> 00:19:03,901
[Evie screams]

431
00:19:03,901 --> 00:19:06,662
Hey, guys.
You remember Murgatroyd.

432
00:19:06,662 --> 00:19:08,423
[Demonic howl]

433
00:19:11,529 --> 00:19:12,737
[Tail cracks]

434
00:19:12,737 --> 00:19:13,738
Aah!

435
00:19:13,738 --> 00:19:15,602
Evie!
[Screams]

436
00:19:15,602 --> 00:19:18,433
[Howling]

437
00:19:18,433 --> 00:19:19,468
[Splat]

438
00:19:19,468 --> 00:19:20,952
Huh?
Bacon for a pig.

439
00:19:20,952 --> 00:19:22,644
[Snorting]
Suck on that.

440
00:19:22,644 --> 00:19:24,093
[Demonic howl]

441
00:19:24,093 --> 00:19:27,373
[Grunts]
Huh?

442
00:19:27,373 --> 00:19:30,583
Okay. Okay, Denise,
we'll put this on you.

443
00:19:30,583 --> 00:19:34,138
Okay, now all you got to do
is say...

444
00:19:34,138 --> 00:19:35,519
Shit!

445
00:19:35,519 --> 00:19:36,865
It was really veiny
when I wrote this!

446
00:19:38,694 --> 00:19:40,248
Hammy!

447
00:19:40,248 --> 00:19:42,008
[Demonic howl]

448
00:19:42,008 --> 00:19:44,528
Uh...bar-nuf...bar --
or deljib?

449
00:19:44,528 --> 00:19:45,391
No, no, no!

450
00:19:45,391 --> 00:19:47,324
Uh...ba-barra --
barra, barra!

451
00:19:49,843 --> 00:19:51,328
Barra.

452
00:19:51,328 --> 00:19:54,331
Dar-- Darisam!
Darisam!

453
00:19:54,331 --> 00:19:56,298
-[Grunts]
-Darisam.

454
00:19:56,298 --> 00:19:58,645
-[Grunts]
-Gelal.

455
00:19:58,645 --> 00:19:59,957
Ahh, pig!

456
00:19:59,957 --> 00:20:02,201
[Weakly] Gelal.

457
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:04,203
[Splattering]

458
00:20:07,861 --> 00:20:09,587
Gah!

459
00:20:11,969 --> 00:20:14,247
Well...
[Exhales sharply]

460
00:20:14,247 --> 00:20:16,905
...you guys might have been
right about Murgatroyd.

461
00:20:16,905 --> 00:20:19,010
"Might" as in,
like, "Maybe."

462
00:20:19,010 --> 00:20:21,116
Brenda:
Why do I smell bacon?

463
00:20:21,116 --> 00:20:22,359
Right on time.

464
00:20:22,359 --> 00:20:24,809
She doesn't even bother
to knock anymore.

465
00:20:24,809 --> 00:20:28,227
She just...lets herself in
like she owns the joint.

466
00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:30,919
Whew.
[Panting]

467
00:20:32,886 --> 00:20:34,612
[Door closes]

468
00:20:34,612 --> 00:20:37,305
What reeks in here, pork?
[Sighs]

469
00:20:37,305 --> 00:20:39,479
Stanley, I'm trying
to keep you healthy.

470
00:20:39,479 --> 00:20:41,240
Yeah, that's, uh,
about enough of that.

471
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:42,448
Evie, let me --
give me the...

472
00:20:42,448 --> 00:20:43,587
-Yeah, yeah.
-Yeah.

473
00:20:43,587 --> 00:20:45,416
Uh, how's the --
How's the thing go?

474
00:20:45,416 --> 00:20:47,142
-Right here.
-Oh.

475
00:20:47,142 --> 00:20:50,904
Uh...Barra Darisam...

476
00:20:50,904 --> 00:20:53,079
Gelal!

477
00:20:53,079 --> 00:20:55,219
Yeah!

478
00:20:55,219 --> 00:20:56,738
I don't get it.

479
00:20:56,738 --> 00:20:57,877
Oh, God damn it.

480
00:20:57,877 --> 00:20:58,912
[Amulet jostles]

481
00:20:58,912 --> 00:21:01,052
Here, I thought you were
a life-sucking succubus.

482
00:21:01,052 --> 00:21:03,054
[Scoffs]
So did my ex-husband.

483
00:21:03,054 --> 00:21:05,298
Well, what --
What do you call that?

484
00:21:05,298 --> 00:21:06,334
Varicose vein?

485
00:21:06,334 --> 00:21:09,302
Brenda, listen,
dear, I, uh...

486
00:21:09,302 --> 00:21:11,408
I know you're pregnant.

487
00:21:11,408 --> 00:21:13,789
And I know it ain't mine.

488
00:21:13,789 --> 00:21:17,379
[Whispers] Sorry.
Really sorry.

489
00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:25,180
[Whistling tune]

490
00:21:25,180 --> 00:21:28,045
♪ Lovey-dovies for you

491
00:21:28,045 --> 00:21:30,841
♪ Lovey-dovies for you