1 00:00:22,001 --> 00:00:25,494 Subtitles by explosiveskull 2 00:00:25,530 --> 00:00:26,424 "Brockmire". 3 00:00:26,459 --> 00:00:30,271 New season, Wednesdays at 10, starts April 3rd on IFC. 4 00:00:34,128 --> 00:00:36,903 Boy, have I had trouble sleeping lately. 5 00:00:36,939 --> 00:00:39,245 My sober mind, it just races through 6 00:00:39,281 --> 00:00:41,928 all the clarity and the silence. 7 00:00:44,674 --> 00:00:46,468 Brockmire, 8 00:00:46,503 --> 00:00:48,656 really finding his rhythm now. 9 00:00:48,692 --> 00:00:50,770 Masturbation, my best defense 10 00:00:50,806 --> 00:00:53,280 against the seemingly endless nights. 11 00:00:53,316 --> 00:00:55,436 Bye, bye, birdie. 12 00:00:55,472 --> 00:00:58,367 Carnal knowledge. 13 00:00:58,403 --> 00:01:01,560 Oh, "Newsies"! 14 00:01:01,596 --> 00:01:02,470 When that wore off, 15 00:01:02,506 --> 00:01:05,308 I tried to exhaust myself with hobbies. 16 00:01:11,116 --> 00:01:13,773 Ah, yeah. 17 00:01:13,809 --> 00:01:16,293 And you can be right next to Howard. 18 00:01:16,328 --> 00:01:17,630 But that turned tedious, 19 00:01:17,666 --> 00:01:19,474 so I went back to masturbation. 20 00:01:25,352 --> 00:01:27,697 Oh, Christmas is coming! 21 00:01:30,044 --> 00:01:32,989 Hoo, Merry Christmas, everybody. 22 00:01:33,025 --> 00:01:35,413 Merry Christmas. 23 00:01:36,867 --> 00:01:39,584 Help. 24 00:01:39,620 --> 00:01:42,015 And that's when I started hearing the voice. 25 00:01:42,051 --> 00:01:44,213 Help. 26 00:01:47,037 --> 00:01:48,437 - Help. - It was monotone, 27 00:01:48,472 --> 00:01:50,651 but, God, it was unrelenting. 28 00:01:50,687 --> 00:01:52,083 - Help. - And then it happened again 29 00:01:52,119 --> 00:01:53,139 the next night. 30 00:01:53,174 --> 00:01:55,502 Help. 31 00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:58,777 - And the night after that. - Help. 32 00:01:58,813 --> 00:02:02,622 - Help. Help. - And the night after that. 33 00:02:02,658 --> 00:02:03,635 No matter where I looked, 34 00:02:03,671 --> 00:02:06,153 I just... I couldn't find the source. 35 00:02:06,189 --> 00:02:08,824 Help. 36 00:02:08,860 --> 00:02:10,936 Help. 37 00:02:13,460 --> 00:02:15,261 Help. 38 00:02:15,297 --> 00:02:18,173 Help. Help. Help. 39 00:02:18,209 --> 00:02:20,426 There was only one explanation. 40 00:02:20,462 --> 00:02:24,581 I was chasing a voice inside my own head. 41 00:02:24,617 --> 00:02:27,433 But what the hell was I trying to tell myself? 42 00:02:27,469 --> 00:02:29,028 I mean, I didn't know whether I was supposed to 43 00:02:29,064 --> 00:02:32,225 help the world or my friends or myself. 44 00:02:32,261 --> 00:02:33,773 So I just got down on my knees 45 00:02:33,809 --> 00:02:38,234 and I said a prayer to all three. 46 00:02:38,270 --> 00:02:44,207 And I just sank into serenity like a warm bath. 47 00:02:44,243 --> 00:02:46,952 Quick footnote to that story, 48 00:02:46,988 --> 00:02:49,323 turns out I wasn't the voice at all. 49 00:02:49,359 --> 00:02:52,193 That was the voice of my 86-year-old neighbor, Eunice. 50 00:02:52,229 --> 00:02:54,231 See, my super explained to me that Eunice 51 00:02:54,267 --> 00:02:58,307 has 24-hour in-home care, except for a 5-minute gap 52 00:02:58,343 --> 00:03:01,051 due to the bus schedules of both of her nurses. 53 00:03:01,087 --> 00:03:03,028 And she just screams her head off 54 00:03:03,064 --> 00:03:05,860 throughout that entire five minutes. Ha. 55 00:03:05,896 --> 00:03:08,468 Yeah, then my super offered me some Oxy. 56 00:03:08,504 --> 00:03:10,027 Even for Florida, 57 00:03:10,063 --> 00:03:12,046 the whole thing was extremely Florida. 58 00:03:12,082 --> 00:03:14,311 Any hoodles, that's my share, 59 00:03:14,347 --> 00:03:16,974 so don't forget to tip that donation box, people. 60 00:03:17,010 --> 00:03:18,334 God bless, you. 61 00:03:18,370 --> 00:03:19,781 So long. 62 00:03:21,402 --> 00:03:23,759 You're supposed to listen to the other people speak. 63 00:03:23,795 --> 00:03:26,130 I know. I'm running out to a work thing. 64 00:03:26,166 --> 00:03:27,669 Maybe. 65 00:03:27,705 --> 00:03:30,880 That's not why you're leaving. 66 00:03:30,957 --> 00:03:32,210 How you doing there? 67 00:03:32,246 --> 00:03:34,204 - My name's Jim Brockmire. - I know who you are. 68 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:35,911 - Oh, yeah? - Mm-hmm. 69 00:03:35,947 --> 00:03:40,112 Is that a positive or a negative for me in this moment? 70 00:03:40,148 --> 00:03:41,526 It's a lot of both. 71 00:03:41,562 --> 00:03:43,565 Well, that seems to be the general consensus. 72 00:03:43,601 --> 00:03:45,388 Look, despite what you might think, 73 00:03:45,447 --> 00:03:47,544 I take my sobriety very seriously. 74 00:03:47,630 --> 00:03:51,110 I'm looking for a sponsor while I'm here for spring training. 75 00:03:51,145 --> 00:03:52,731 So... 76 00:03:52,767 --> 00:03:55,465 Are you interested or what? 77 00:03:55,545 --> 00:03:56,682 I'll be your sponsor, 78 00:03:56,718 --> 00:04:00,093 if you tell the truth about the end of your share. 79 00:04:00,129 --> 00:04:02,348 I did tell you the truth about the end of my share. 80 00:04:02,384 --> 00:04:06,655 There was a woman crying out for help, scared and alone. 81 00:04:06,691 --> 00:04:09,191 What did you do about it? 82 00:04:09,227 --> 00:04:10,939 I soundproofed the townhouse. 83 00:04:10,974 --> 00:04:12,852 Now I'll be your sponsor. 84 00:04:12,888 --> 00:04:14,390 How'd you know that was true? 85 00:04:14,426 --> 00:04:17,968 Truth always sounds awful when you hear it out loud. 86 00:04:18,004 --> 00:04:19,496 Ah. 87 00:04:19,534 --> 00:04:22,029 Ain't that the truth? 88 00:04:22,510 --> 00:04:24,762 Jesus, this Florida humidity. 89 00:04:24,980 --> 00:04:27,226 Gene Kelly is swinging an umbrella 90 00:04:27,262 --> 00:04:29,695 all up in my swamp ass. 91 00:04:41,471 --> 00:04:43,183 Okay. 92 00:04:43,520 --> 00:04:45,534 As some of you may have already heard, 93 00:04:45,692 --> 00:04:47,994 I'm about to head on to the DL for a little while. 94 00:04:48,030 --> 00:04:49,990 - Kick cancer's ass, Bat! - Yeah! 95 00:04:50,026 --> 00:04:52,362 Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma doesn't know what it's in for! 96 00:04:52,398 --> 00:04:55,683 Thanks, fellas. The, uh, outpouring of support 97 00:04:55,719 --> 00:04:58,767 from everybody, especially the fans, 98 00:04:58,803 --> 00:05:01,595 has been truly special. So while I'm laid up, 99 00:05:01,631 --> 00:05:03,544 holding things down on the radio side 100 00:05:03,580 --> 00:05:05,420 will be these two superstars. 101 00:05:05,468 --> 00:05:07,732 First up, two-time NCAA 102 00:05:07,768 --> 00:05:10,404 champion softball legend, Gabby Taylor. 103 00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:12,690 Thank you. It is an honor and a privilege 104 00:05:12,726 --> 00:05:14,437 to be sharing the stage with you today, Bat. 105 00:05:14,473 --> 00:05:17,911 And joining Gabby in the booth will be Jim Brockmire. 106 00:05:17,947 --> 00:05:21,250 Jim, you wanna have your public meltdown now or later? 107 00:05:21,300 --> 00:05:22,705 Oh, well. 108 00:05:22,742 --> 00:05:25,250 Yeah, my... at this point in my last press conference, 109 00:05:25,286 --> 00:05:27,385 I'd been tazed and stripped down naked, 110 00:05:27,421 --> 00:05:30,949 so this is already a tremendous win for me. 111 00:05:34,820 --> 00:05:36,574 But in all seriousness, 112 00:05:36,628 --> 00:05:40,129 I'm so grateful to be back around the game I love so much. 113 00:05:40,165 --> 00:05:41,988 It's been a very long road back. 114 00:05:42,024 --> 00:05:46,003 I have been truly humbled both personally and professionally 115 00:05:46,241 --> 00:05:48,915 and, well, I'm here to tell you that I arrived here 116 00:05:48,951 --> 00:05:50,246 a very different man. 117 00:05:50,282 --> 00:05:53,615 What kind of a joyless golem serves soup in a green room? 118 00:05:53,754 --> 00:05:56,433 Are they requesting that we eat it out of a cup, 119 00:05:56,528 --> 00:05:59,166 out of some kind of failed attempt at shabby chic? 120 00:05:59,202 --> 00:06:01,941 Nope, helter-skelter, forgot the bowls. Hey! 121 00:06:01,977 --> 00:06:03,317 Just don't eat the soup. 122 00:06:06,898 --> 00:06:09,122 Jesus. Look at this shit. 123 00:06:09,158 --> 00:06:11,589 It's like a goddamn public school cafeteria. 124 00:06:11,625 --> 00:06:13,600 - Right? - Hey, Bat, if you're hungry, 125 00:06:13,636 --> 00:06:14,902 I'd love to take you out to lunch, 126 00:06:14,938 --> 00:06:17,853 maybe pick your broadcasting brain? 127 00:06:18,130 --> 00:06:19,800 Yeah, I'm gonna pass on lunch. 128 00:06:19,836 --> 00:06:22,628 No problem, yeah, you could probably use the downtime. 129 00:06:22,664 --> 00:06:26,810 Actually, my aunt recently battled breast cancer. 130 00:06:26,846 --> 00:06:29,430 I look like I have breasts? 131 00:06:29,513 --> 00:06:30,755 No. 132 00:06:30,791 --> 00:06:32,703 No, you look like you're entirely made out of muscle, 133 00:06:32,739 --> 00:06:36,273 just like a human tendon, you know? 134 00:06:40,748 --> 00:06:42,840 Uh, don't let the cancer fool you. 135 00:06:42,876 --> 00:06:43,723 He's an asshole. 136 00:06:43,759 --> 00:06:46,197 Has to make everybody around him feel small. 137 00:06:46,233 --> 00:06:48,697 It's part of his whole Matt the Bat shenanigans. 138 00:06:48,744 --> 00:06:49,309 His nickname? 139 00:06:49,345 --> 00:06:50,790 He got that from being a good hitter. 140 00:06:50,826 --> 00:06:52,911 Oh, no, he was a "Punch and Judy" infielder 141 00:06:52,947 --> 00:06:54,477 whose glove kept him in the game. 142 00:06:54,513 --> 00:06:58,399 No, the derivation of Matt the Bat comes from, uh... 143 00:06:58,435 --> 00:07:01,643 his locker room presence. 144 00:07:01,966 --> 00:07:03,864 He's got the biggest dick in baseball history. 145 00:07:03,900 --> 00:07:05,800 - Whoa, seriously? - Oh, yeah. 146 00:07:05,836 --> 00:07:08,147 Matt loves all that alpha male bullshit. 147 00:07:08,183 --> 00:07:10,531 He likes bump into you accidentally on purpose 148 00:07:10,567 --> 00:07:11,716 to make an impression. 149 00:07:11,752 --> 00:07:14,540 Literally. Left a dent. 150 00:07:14,576 --> 00:07:16,030 There's a density to it, Gabby. 151 00:07:16,066 --> 00:07:20,104 It's like a wind sock that's been packed with wet sand. 152 00:07:20,140 --> 00:07:23,198 Any hoodles, that's where the name Matt the Bat comes from. 153 00:07:23,233 --> 00:07:26,176 Also, he's the worst. I mean, the worst, 154 00:07:26,212 --> 00:07:28,239 and despite what you might have heard about me... 155 00:07:28,275 --> 00:07:30,139 No, I'm not. 156 00:07:30,175 --> 00:07:32,337 I wanna assure you, sobriety has changed me. 157 00:07:32,373 --> 00:07:36,283 Okay, really. I am no longer that reckless say-anything Jim. 158 00:07:36,319 --> 00:07:37,453 You just spent the last two minutes 159 00:07:37,489 --> 00:07:41,029 going into aggressive detail about our coworker's dick. 160 00:07:41,310 --> 00:07:42,767 Oh, shit, I did do that, didn't I? 161 00:07:42,802 --> 00:07:43,761 God damn it, I am just... 162 00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:47,421 I am not built for the 21st century workplace. 163 00:07:47,597 --> 00:07:50,593 Are we still on for lunch, because... 164 00:07:54,751 --> 00:07:55,524 Can we just talk about 165 00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:57,410 the dick thing again for one moment? 166 00:07:57,446 --> 00:07:59,448 - Oh, my God. Why? - Well, I want to apologize. 167 00:07:59,484 --> 00:08:02,582 I wanna assure you I am no Louie C.K. or Charlie Rose. 168 00:08:02,629 --> 00:08:06,104 Although, I did once role play as John Lasseter 169 00:08:06,140 --> 00:08:07,891 at a Pixar-themed orgy one time 170 00:08:07,927 --> 00:08:09,006 but, you know, I've always practiced... 171 00:08:09,042 --> 00:08:11,385 - Hello! - Oh, hey, friend. 172 00:08:11,420 --> 00:08:14,174 Here you go. This thing's getting mighty stinky. 173 00:08:14,260 --> 00:08:15,572 Oh, no, no, no. 174 00:08:15,608 --> 00:08:18,400 I'm your producer, Gus Barton. How are you? 175 00:08:18,544 --> 00:08:20,088 - Hi. - Nice to see you. 176 00:08:20,124 --> 00:08:22,209 - Gus Barton. - Hi. 177 00:08:22,483 --> 00:08:25,449 Do you mind if I ask you your qualifications, sir? 178 00:08:25,485 --> 00:08:26,904 I don't mind at all. 179 00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:28,706 Worked for the Montreal Expos. 180 00:08:28,742 --> 00:08:30,556 The Expos left in 2004. 181 00:08:30,623 --> 00:08:31,489 Yup. 182 00:08:31,525 --> 00:08:34,028 So I spent the last 15 years living in Montreal 183 00:08:34,064 --> 00:08:37,687 raising three kids while my wife taught at McGill. 184 00:08:37,813 --> 00:08:40,065 The soup foretold all of this. 185 00:08:40,101 --> 00:08:42,949 So my wife jokes that I'd be the perfect guy 186 00:08:42,985 --> 00:08:45,706 to produce a career killer like Jim Brockmire, 187 00:08:45,742 --> 00:08:48,133 because my career is already dead. 188 00:08:48,169 --> 00:08:48,886 Mmm. 189 00:08:48,922 --> 00:08:51,146 She's got a very dark sense of humor. 190 00:08:51,182 --> 00:08:53,498 I think that's what cost her her tenure. 191 00:08:53,534 --> 00:08:56,093 2014 was a tough year. 192 00:08:56,128 --> 00:08:58,115 Nobody thinks that I'm a career killer. 193 00:08:58,150 --> 00:08:59,273 That's the first thing my agent said 194 00:08:59,309 --> 00:09:01,680 when he called to tell me we were paired together. 195 00:09:02,538 --> 00:09:05,952 One, two, three, four, 196 00:09:06,219 --> 00:09:10,010 five, six, count me, that's seven, eight. 197 00:09:10,046 --> 00:09:11,715 Yeah, no, that's a lot of careers. Okay. 198 00:09:11,751 --> 00:09:13,212 - Ohh... - No, no, no, no, 199 00:09:13,267 --> 00:09:16,401 this is when I do a daily moral inventory. 200 00:09:16,437 --> 00:09:18,979 All right, note to self. 201 00:09:19,219 --> 00:09:25,422 "Stop killing people's careers." 202 00:09:25,743 --> 00:09:27,267 Boom. Problem solved. 203 00:09:27,303 --> 00:09:29,682 Thank you for inviting me to the broadcaster's dinner. 204 00:09:29,718 --> 00:09:31,665 - Sure. - I drove past it twice. 205 00:09:31,701 --> 00:09:32,603 I didn't think a nice restaurant 206 00:09:32,639 --> 00:09:35,046 would be in such a run-down strip mall. 207 00:09:35,082 --> 00:09:37,605 All of Central Florida's a run-down strip mall. 208 00:09:37,641 --> 00:09:40,013 This complex alone is a Pentecostal church, 209 00:09:40,049 --> 00:09:42,573 a gun shop, and a Jersey Mike's. 210 00:09:42,609 --> 00:09:44,384 Here they are. 211 00:09:44,420 --> 00:09:45,798 Hey, boys. 212 00:09:46,028 --> 00:09:48,035 Ah, hmm, looks like we're gonna need 213 00:09:48,141 --> 00:09:49,935 one more chair here, my friend. 214 00:09:49,971 --> 00:09:51,239 No, no, no, don't bother with that. 215 00:09:51,275 --> 00:09:53,929 We don't have room. 216 00:09:53,965 --> 00:09:56,212 Right, well, message received. 217 00:09:56,248 --> 00:09:57,904 Oh, no, no, no, this is some 218 00:09:57,940 --> 00:10:00,044 industrial-grade bullshit right here. 219 00:10:00,119 --> 00:10:02,402 Look, I sympathize with you, I do. 220 00:10:02,465 --> 00:10:04,867 All the things you consider to be good, clean fun 221 00:10:04,903 --> 00:10:06,828 are now considered to be mean and sexist, 222 00:10:06,864 --> 00:10:09,041 but, you know, that's just 'cause they are. 223 00:10:09,077 --> 00:10:11,104 The chair is for Gabby. 224 00:10:11,140 --> 00:10:14,227 - Oh. - She's a ball player. 225 00:10:14,263 --> 00:10:15,929 Well, I don't understand. 226 00:10:15,965 --> 00:10:18,882 Well, we don't like you, Brockmire. 227 00:10:18,918 --> 00:10:21,120 - Oh. - At your very best, 228 00:10:21,156 --> 00:10:23,182 you are like a circus bear 229 00:10:23,218 --> 00:10:25,869 who would stumble around for the crowd to laugh at. 230 00:10:25,947 --> 00:10:28,572 - Ho ho hoo. - Now, when they trot you out, 231 00:10:28,670 --> 00:10:31,072 it is just sad. 232 00:10:31,419 --> 00:10:33,316 Somebody should have taken you behind the tent 233 00:10:33,351 --> 00:10:35,077 and shot you years ago. 234 00:10:35,113 --> 00:10:36,740 Well, well, well... 235 00:10:39,796 --> 00:10:41,925 - Jim, are you okay? - No, please, I'm fine. 236 00:10:42,004 --> 00:10:43,622 Just... I'm a little more emotional these days 237 00:10:43,658 --> 00:10:45,962 - than I used to be. - You stay. 238 00:10:46,273 --> 00:10:48,348 I'll grab a bite at the Jersey Mike's. 239 00:10:48,384 --> 00:10:50,168 Maybe swing by the Pentecostal church, 240 00:10:50,203 --> 00:10:53,370 watch a little snake handling to go along with my 241 00:10:53,521 --> 00:10:56,682 aggressively oily sammie. 242 00:11:08,027 --> 00:11:10,481 What the shit! 243 00:11:11,141 --> 00:11:13,127 Well, don't just let that hang out in my house. 244 00:11:13,163 --> 00:11:14,649 Kill it. Shoot it. 245 00:11:14,703 --> 00:11:16,289 I don't carry a gun. 246 00:11:16,325 --> 00:11:18,244 Isn't that the whole point of Florida? 247 00:11:18,383 --> 00:11:20,551 Hey, I didn't get into this job 248 00:11:20,587 --> 00:11:22,673 to kill defenseless animals, all right? 249 00:11:22,709 --> 00:11:24,228 I did it to kill gators. 250 00:11:24,264 --> 00:11:27,806 But I'm not harming that poor, defenseless tortoise. 251 00:11:27,841 --> 00:11:29,603 That big guy hibernates in the winter. 252 00:11:29,658 --> 00:11:31,220 Now, I'm guessing they turned the heat on a few days early... 253 00:11:31,256 --> 00:11:32,820 I'm sure his life has all the complexity 254 00:11:32,856 --> 00:11:34,340 of a Russian novel, all right? 255 00:11:34,376 --> 00:11:36,282 Can you please just get it the hell out of here? 256 00:11:36,318 --> 00:11:38,252 Look, it's coming at us. 257 00:11:38,308 --> 00:11:40,665 It's an elderly animal. No one's gonna adopt it. 258 00:11:40,721 --> 00:11:41,851 Betty White is an elderly animal. 259 00:11:41,887 --> 00:11:46,403 That is a boring monster who smells like dead, wet dog. 260 00:11:46,439 --> 00:11:48,655 If I take him, it's a death sentence. 261 00:11:48,691 --> 00:11:50,277 Okay. 262 00:11:50,602 --> 00:11:53,097 I'm good with that. 263 00:11:54,590 --> 00:11:58,125 It's probably for the best. 264 00:11:58,320 --> 00:11:59,799 Darwin. 265 00:12:02,335 --> 00:12:05,544 There you go. 266 00:12:05,779 --> 00:12:07,816 Ugh! 267 00:12:17,308 --> 00:12:19,351 - What's in the folder? - Research. 268 00:12:19,387 --> 00:12:21,306 Fun facts for the big broadcast. 269 00:12:21,342 --> 00:12:23,135 God, I love the public library. 270 00:12:23,171 --> 00:12:25,006 It's America's greatest institution. 271 00:12:25,041 --> 00:12:26,829 Yeah, the last time I was in a public library 272 00:12:26,865 --> 00:12:29,116 I saw three different homeless people masturbating. 273 00:12:29,152 --> 00:12:31,612 Yeah, not a great time for American institutions. 274 00:12:31,648 --> 00:12:33,672 - No. I got you something. - Oh. 275 00:12:33,708 --> 00:12:35,884 In softball, the entire team always wears something 276 00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:38,294 on opening day as a sign of unity. 277 00:12:38,330 --> 00:12:40,442 The best team I was ever on did this tour through China 278 00:12:40,478 --> 00:12:42,675 where I got these pins. 279 00:12:42,710 --> 00:12:43,875 I thought we could wear them. 280 00:12:43,911 --> 00:12:46,333 Oh, that's so sweet and thoughtful. 281 00:12:46,369 --> 00:12:47,167 Thank you. 282 00:12:47,203 --> 00:12:48,769 So what, you wear one, I wear one, 283 00:12:48,805 --> 00:12:50,660 and then we put one on the desk to like 284 00:12:50,696 --> 00:12:51,949 represent the audience? 285 00:12:51,985 --> 00:12:53,436 No, the third pin is for Gus. 286 00:12:53,472 --> 00:12:55,262 Oh, gross. No. Come on. No. 287 00:12:55,298 --> 00:12:57,215 He's not part of the team. We're the talent. 288 00:12:57,301 --> 00:12:59,074 You don't give Gus a gift for the same reason 289 00:12:59,110 --> 00:13:00,845 you don't feed a dog from the table. 290 00:13:00,924 --> 00:13:02,762 Very important that he always knows his place. 291 00:13:02,798 --> 00:13:03,664 What an asshole. 292 00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:05,619 Oh, man, he's just the worst, isn't he? 293 00:13:05,655 --> 00:13:07,558 - Not him. You. - Right. 294 00:13:07,594 --> 00:13:10,514 My philosophy about broadcasting is 295 00:13:10,602 --> 00:13:12,212 you don't sweat the small stuff. 296 00:13:12,262 --> 00:13:13,925 - And you know what? - Ooh, don't say it. 297 00:13:13,961 --> 00:13:16,067 It's all small stuff. 298 00:13:16,103 --> 00:13:18,605 And you wanted to give him a pin. 299 00:13:18,641 --> 00:13:21,475 You see, we are the part-time radio crew 300 00:13:21,738 --> 00:13:24,241 of the cheapest organization in baseball. 301 00:13:24,277 --> 00:13:28,080 So enjoy the view from the bottom of the broadcast barrel. 302 00:13:28,116 --> 00:13:31,145 - Relax, put on your headphones... - Don't do headphones. 303 00:13:31,198 --> 00:13:32,784 Can't stand the sound of my own voice. 304 00:13:32,820 --> 00:13:34,485 Really? Now, see, I assumed you 305 00:13:34,521 --> 00:13:36,033 masturbated to your own voice. 306 00:13:36,069 --> 00:13:38,020 My real voice, sure, but no headphone 307 00:13:38,056 --> 00:13:40,363 can capture the complex bourbon and butter flavor 308 00:13:40,399 --> 00:13:41,737 of my actual timbre. 309 00:13:41,773 --> 00:13:44,529 Jim, I get the impression 310 00:13:44,622 --> 00:13:47,124 that you don't respect me as a producer. 311 00:13:47,216 --> 00:13:48,614 Well, Gus, I'm so sorry. 312 00:13:48,650 --> 00:13:50,445 I did not mean to give you that impression. 313 00:13:50,481 --> 00:13:52,025 I should have been more clear. 314 00:13:52,215 --> 00:13:56,296 I 100% don't respect you as a producer or as a man. 315 00:13:56,332 --> 00:13:59,539 Gus, I guess I don't respect you in totality. 316 00:13:59,575 --> 00:14:01,660 Fine, one man's opinion. 317 00:14:01,696 --> 00:14:03,578 How about you, Gabby, huh? 318 00:14:03,614 --> 00:14:05,991 What do you think? 319 00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:08,670 Really? How come? 320 00:14:08,844 --> 00:14:09,956 Well, it starts with the overalls 321 00:14:10,031 --> 00:14:11,824 and then it just kind of branches out from there. 322 00:14:11,860 --> 00:14:17,341 Overalls allow me to fully experience the freedom of life 323 00:14:17,377 --> 00:14:19,105 without undergarments. 324 00:14:19,150 --> 00:14:20,479 - Ohh... - And you guys, 325 00:14:20,515 --> 00:14:25,175 you voluntarily wear the 100% cotton chastity belts, 326 00:14:25,230 --> 00:14:27,239 and I'm the weirdo, huh? 327 00:14:27,381 --> 00:14:31,523 All right, Jim, you don't wear headphones, fine. 328 00:14:31,559 --> 00:14:33,588 I'll just poke you with a big stick 329 00:14:33,675 --> 00:14:35,432 whenever I need to tell you something. 330 00:14:35,468 --> 00:14:38,052 Okay, headphones. Let's see. 331 00:14:38,088 --> 00:14:39,550 Testing, one, two. Testing. 332 00:14:39,613 --> 00:14:43,608 Folks. Folks, that ball is Maria-Conchita-a-gone-zo. 333 00:14:43,644 --> 00:14:44,707 Well, these thing's are broken 334 00:14:44,743 --> 00:14:48,444 because my voice sounds ridiculous through them. 335 00:14:52,019 --> 00:14:55,685 All right, we're on in three, two, one... 336 00:14:55,772 --> 00:14:57,763 Welcome, everybody, to the inaugural season 337 00:14:57,819 --> 00:15:00,137 at Oaklands's brand-new spring training facility 338 00:15:00,173 --> 00:15:01,773 here in Seascape, Florida. 339 00:15:01,867 --> 00:15:02,920 I am Jim Brockmire. 340 00:15:02,982 --> 00:15:04,814 I'm joined by my partner, Gabby Taylor. 341 00:15:04,850 --> 00:15:06,888 Very excited to be joining you in the booth today, Jim, 342 00:15:06,924 --> 00:15:08,576 in this lovely new stadium. 343 00:15:08,612 --> 00:15:10,910 It is a beautiful spring afternoon for baseball here 344 00:15:10,946 --> 00:15:13,254 at King Venom Vape Cartridge Stadium. 345 00:15:13,289 --> 00:15:15,531 Few fun facts about the city of Seascape, 346 00:15:15,566 --> 00:15:17,515 our home for the next six weeks... 347 00:15:17,550 --> 00:15:20,582 two years ago, its mostly elderly and retired citizens 348 00:15:20,618 --> 00:15:22,230 were duped. They were tricked 349 00:15:22,266 --> 00:15:24,678 into paying for this stadium by voting yes 350 00:15:24,714 --> 00:15:28,464 on the misleadingly named Make Grandchildren Visit Act. 351 00:15:28,547 --> 00:15:31,469 So a $200-million-stadium was built 352 00:15:31,505 --> 00:15:34,075 that nobody wanted and had no team to occupy it. 353 00:15:34,111 --> 00:15:35,387 In order to lure Oakland 354 00:15:35,423 --> 00:15:37,655 to come all the way across the country, 355 00:15:37,691 --> 00:15:40,395 the city of Seascape had to promise them free rent, 356 00:15:40,431 --> 00:15:43,955 so we are party here today to a civic boondoggle 357 00:15:43,991 --> 00:15:45,683 of just epic proportions. 358 00:15:45,719 --> 00:15:47,673 I mean, swimming pools drained, 359 00:15:47,708 --> 00:15:49,711 children's educations thwarted, 360 00:15:49,747 --> 00:15:51,209 shut-in's meals undelivered... 361 00:15:51,244 --> 00:15:55,409 all in the name of King Venom Vape Cartridge Stadium. 362 00:15:55,445 --> 00:15:57,113 "King Venom Vape Cartridges, 363 00:15:57,149 --> 00:15:59,813 "the best in the biz. And we're not blowing smoke. 364 00:15:59,849 --> 00:16:03,686 We're blowing flavor infused vapor, ash-holezzz." 365 00:16:03,722 --> 00:16:06,015 Boy, that seemed needlessly aggressive. 366 00:16:06,051 --> 00:16:07,428 That's enough, Jim. 367 00:16:07,464 --> 00:16:10,476 Are you kidding, sir? We are on the air here. 368 00:16:10,512 --> 00:16:11,725 No, we're not. 369 00:16:11,761 --> 00:16:13,974 I knew you were gonna pull this shit during the first game, 370 00:16:14,010 --> 00:16:16,982 so I lied to you about starting the broadcast. 371 00:16:17,018 --> 00:16:18,587 We're actually on the air now. 372 00:16:18,623 --> 00:16:21,332 Oh, no, 20 seconds ago. 373 00:16:21,401 --> 00:16:22,703 20 seconds ago? 374 00:16:22,739 --> 00:16:24,271 What the fuck was that? 375 00:16:24,307 --> 00:16:25,518 Everything I said was public record. 376 00:16:25,554 --> 00:16:27,006 It was all in the newspaper. 377 00:16:27,042 --> 00:16:28,364 What is the big deal? 378 00:16:28,419 --> 00:16:30,636 You make a big show about how different you are, 379 00:16:30,672 --> 00:16:32,632 but going from drunk asshole to sober asshole 380 00:16:32,668 --> 00:16:34,544 isn't the dramatic makeover you think it is. 381 00:16:34,580 --> 00:16:36,118 It's not like I dragged you into it. 382 00:16:36,154 --> 00:16:38,039 Yes, you did. We are partners. 383 00:16:38,075 --> 00:16:39,993 My future is handcuffed to yours, 384 00:16:40,029 --> 00:16:41,698 and as a black woman in the same game 385 00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:42,987 that protected Art Newlie, 386 00:16:43,023 --> 00:16:45,224 I'm not gonna get chance after chance like you. 387 00:16:45,260 --> 00:16:47,155 This is it. I get the one. 388 00:16:47,191 --> 00:16:49,244 If that mic had been live, you could have ended my career. 389 00:16:49,279 --> 00:16:50,807 Well, no, no, I could not have, 390 00:16:50,842 --> 00:16:52,477 'cause remember I wrote that down in the book? 391 00:16:52,513 --> 00:16:53,674 No, 'member? 392 00:16:53,710 --> 00:16:54,783 I did write it. 393 00:16:54,819 --> 00:16:56,379 In, in, in... 394 00:16:56,415 --> 00:16:58,043 - Oh, boy. - Hey. 395 00:16:58,079 --> 00:17:00,770 Heard you had dead air on your first broadcast. 396 00:17:00,806 --> 00:17:02,036 Wow! 397 00:17:02,152 --> 00:17:03,722 Seriously, if you want to go back behind the tent, 398 00:17:03,757 --> 00:17:04,993 I'll make it quick. 399 00:17:05,029 --> 00:17:07,455 No, stay away from me with the penis bullshit! 400 00:17:07,491 --> 00:17:08,787 Too fast for you! 401 00:17:09,011 --> 00:17:11,339 Two legs are always quicker than three. 402 00:17:17,019 --> 00:17:18,656 Oh, shit! 403 00:17:18,739 --> 00:17:21,316 Ow. 404 00:17:21,352 --> 00:17:22,859 Oh, gross! 405 00:17:22,895 --> 00:17:25,506 God damn it. 406 00:17:25,542 --> 00:17:27,330 Come here. 407 00:17:29,937 --> 00:17:31,830 There you go. 408 00:17:31,866 --> 00:17:34,486 Have a nice life. 409 00:17:39,577 --> 00:17:42,710 Jim, you wanna have your public meltdown now or later? 410 00:17:42,746 --> 00:17:44,594 Going from drunk asshole to sober asshole... 411 00:17:44,630 --> 00:17:46,535 There was a woman crying out for help, 412 00:17:46,571 --> 00:17:49,564 scared and alone. What did you do about it? 413 00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:50,818 You can't change. 414 00:17:50,854 --> 00:17:52,583 You were born broken and made worse. 415 00:17:52,619 --> 00:17:53,678 Little piece of shit. 416 00:17:53,713 --> 00:17:57,258 You are just a miserable piece of shit! 417 00:17:57,294 --> 00:17:58,893 What's going on? 418 00:17:58,956 --> 00:18:01,538 What's going on is I haven't slept in a week. 419 00:18:01,585 --> 00:18:02,759 Almost got fired my first day, 420 00:18:02,795 --> 00:18:04,880 everybody at work hates my guts. 421 00:18:04,958 --> 00:18:08,579 I mean, as insane as this might sound to say out loud, 422 00:18:08,615 --> 00:18:11,158 it's like nobody even cares that I am sober. 423 00:18:11,319 --> 00:18:13,835 They don't. Jesus. What do you expect? 424 00:18:13,871 --> 00:18:15,326 A parade? 425 00:18:15,394 --> 00:18:17,270 Para... A party, maybe. 426 00:18:17,639 --> 00:18:19,636 You know, lots of soda, and people hugging me, 427 00:18:19,672 --> 00:18:21,633 telling me how proud they are of me. 428 00:18:21,953 --> 00:18:23,931 Maybe Joe Buck'd give a speech. 429 00:18:24,405 --> 00:18:26,380 Everybody chips in and buys me a star. 430 00:18:26,416 --> 00:18:29,583 You know, like a constellation. I'm just spitballing. 431 00:18:31,032 --> 00:18:34,073 God, Earl's gonna love that one. 432 00:18:34,109 --> 00:18:36,098 I thought this was supposed to be anonymous. 433 00:18:36,134 --> 00:18:37,791 Oh, yeah, no, no, it is. 434 00:18:37,827 --> 00:18:39,931 Don't worry, I never mention you by name. 435 00:18:39,967 --> 00:18:42,558 I just told him you were a famous sportscaster 436 00:18:42,594 --> 00:18:44,728 known for a string of public meltdowns. 437 00:18:44,764 --> 00:18:46,974 Well, that narrows it down to me and Marv Albert, 438 00:18:47,010 --> 00:18:48,595 and Marv ain't in Seascape, Shirley. 439 00:18:48,631 --> 00:18:51,350 Look, people are just gonna doubt you 440 00:18:51,386 --> 00:18:54,096 till you can prove you're making different choices. 441 00:18:54,132 --> 00:18:55,853 But I am making different choices. 442 00:18:55,888 --> 00:18:58,486 In the old days, I would have ripped Matt and new one. 443 00:18:58,522 --> 00:19:00,421 Nobody talks to me like that and gets a pass, 444 00:19:00,457 --> 00:19:03,311 but I held my tongue on account of the cancer. 445 00:19:03,347 --> 00:19:07,105 You want credit for not insulting a man with cancer? 446 00:19:07,141 --> 00:19:08,593 Yeah! 447 00:19:08,629 --> 00:19:12,377 I'm gonna guess you started drinking at, uh, 15. 448 00:19:12,413 --> 00:19:14,332 That's right. How did you know that? 449 00:19:14,368 --> 00:19:18,562 Well, an alcoholic's maturity usually freezes in time 450 00:19:18,735 --> 00:19:21,486 right about when they first pick up the bottle. 451 00:19:21,757 --> 00:19:23,492 Also I have a shitty, know-it-all 452 00:19:23,528 --> 00:19:25,530 15-year-old at home. 453 00:19:25,611 --> 00:19:26,924 Makes sense. 454 00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:28,742 I do jerk it like a 15-year-old. 455 00:19:28,778 --> 00:19:31,758 He buys these Costco-sized tubs of lotion 456 00:19:31,794 --> 00:19:33,464 for his dry hands. 457 00:19:33,499 --> 00:19:35,251 I still don't know why he needs the candles. 458 00:19:35,287 --> 00:19:38,390 Mm. You know, sometimes you want to treat yourself. 459 00:19:38,426 --> 00:19:40,886 I often put on Sade... 460 00:19:41,075 --> 00:19:44,574 make a night of it. 461 00:19:44,610 --> 00:19:47,069 Okay, so, look, 462 00:19:47,105 --> 00:19:49,065 the key to relationships 463 00:19:49,216 --> 00:19:50,847 is to learn how to be in one 464 00:19:50,883 --> 00:19:53,325 without expecting anything in return. 465 00:19:53,436 --> 00:19:54,944 Well, how's that a relationship? 466 00:19:54,980 --> 00:19:56,837 Where's the transaction? 467 00:19:56,873 --> 00:19:59,082 Just start out with a plant. 468 00:19:59,118 --> 00:20:01,435 Or, you know, a very low-maintenance pet 469 00:20:01,498 --> 00:20:05,446 like a lizard, or a snake, 470 00:20:05,482 --> 00:20:09,557 I don't know. You know? A frog. 471 00:20:11,923 --> 00:20:15,626 I wouldn't even know where to get one of those. 472 00:20:15,954 --> 00:20:17,118 Hey. 473 00:20:19,556 --> 00:20:21,183 You were right, okay? I'm an asshole. 474 00:20:21,219 --> 00:20:22,181 I'm a total asshole. 475 00:20:22,217 --> 00:20:24,495 I want to be a good person like you. 476 00:20:24,531 --> 00:20:25,282 I really do. 477 00:20:25,318 --> 00:20:27,671 I just have no idea how to go about it. 478 00:20:27,707 --> 00:20:30,135 I know that not littering figures prominently. 479 00:20:30,171 --> 00:20:31,913 Beyond that, I'm just winging it. 480 00:20:31,949 --> 00:20:33,328 Please be patient with me, okay? 481 00:20:33,364 --> 00:20:35,449 I promise you I'm gonna do better. 482 00:20:35,815 --> 00:20:38,208 Hmm. I see you're wearing that pin 483 00:20:38,244 --> 00:20:40,869 in a cheap ploy to win my affection. 484 00:20:40,991 --> 00:20:42,119 Cheap? 485 00:20:42,155 --> 00:20:45,238 Paid a fortune to have these overnighted from China. 486 00:20:45,274 --> 00:20:48,046 I gave one to Gus, and I apologized to him. 487 00:20:48,082 --> 00:20:48,724 Hmm. 488 00:20:48,759 --> 00:20:50,987 See, I thought you might be skeptical, 489 00:20:51,023 --> 00:20:52,283 so I took a picture of us 490 00:20:52,318 --> 00:20:55,693 with today's paper as proof of pin. 491 00:20:56,355 --> 00:20:57,732 - Huh. - See? 492 00:20:57,768 --> 00:20:59,606 I really want to be on your team, Gabby. 493 00:20:59,668 --> 00:21:03,333 And even more than that, I'd like to be your friend. 494 00:21:03,369 --> 00:21:05,767 Okay, yeah, I mean, 495 00:21:05,845 --> 00:21:06,754 I don't know about friend, 496 00:21:06,789 --> 00:21:09,233 but I could use a workout partner. 497 00:21:09,269 --> 00:21:10,314 I'll take what I can get. 498 00:21:10,348 --> 00:21:12,707 Now, I've been exercising a lot since I got sober. 499 00:21:12,743 --> 00:21:14,935 I'm not the fastest runner in the world, 500 00:21:14,971 --> 00:21:17,698 but are you familiar with the story of the tortoise and... 501 00:21:17,734 --> 00:21:19,122 - Shit! - What? 502 00:21:19,158 --> 00:21:20,206 Where are you going? 503 00:21:20,242 --> 00:21:21,898 I just threw away my one chance 504 00:21:21,956 --> 00:21:24,534 at healthy, adult relationships. 505 00:21:25,746 --> 00:21:27,493 Turtle! 506 00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:31,792 How far could you get? 507 00:21:34,819 --> 00:21:38,106 Help. 508 00:21:38,986 --> 00:21:41,024 Help... 509 00:21:55,591 --> 00:22:00,576 Subtitles by explosiveskull