1
00:00:00,031 --> 00:00:01,631
Previously on Brockmire.

2
00:00:01,938 --> 00:00:03,398
Do you love being a dad?

3
00:00:03,438 --> 00:00:04,992
Mostly, I hate wearing condoms.

4
00:00:05,047 --> 00:00:08,447
Why wear a saddle when
you like to feel the horse?

5
00:00:08,608 --> 00:00:11,420
Because some horses...
they have Gonorrhea.

6
00:00:11,467 --> 00:00:13,177
Pre-gaming this abortion, darling...

7
00:00:13,201 --> 00:00:15,193
it was the best idea that you ever had.

8
00:00:16,520 --> 00:00:18,120
You snorted my abortion.

9
00:00:20,869 --> 00:00:23,291
And Howard Cosell...
I swear this is true...

10
00:00:23,297 --> 00:00:26,274
without missing a beat, drops his pants,

11
00:00:26,307 --> 00:00:29,311
points to his pubes and
says, "Tug away, my friend."

12
00:00:30,270 --> 00:00:33,181
And... And my God, the
bush that that man had.

13
00:00:33,215 --> 00:00:34,684
No, no, no.

14
00:00:34,716 --> 00:00:36,117
It looked like he was tryin' to smuggle

15
00:00:36,151 --> 00:00:38,888
one of the Jackson 5 down
there between his legs.

16
00:00:38,921 --> 00:00:40,890
I-I think it was Tito.

17
00:00:42,825 --> 00:00:45,160
But that heart-warming tale

18
00:00:45,193 --> 00:00:48,297
is what is so special about
Mack & McGraw, isn't it?

19
00:00:48,329 --> 00:00:49,465
I mean, for one night a year,

20
00:00:49,497 --> 00:00:52,535
we get to walk amongst baseball legends.

21
00:00:52,582 --> 00:00:55,071
But enough about the past.

22
00:00:55,104 --> 00:00:57,139
Let's focus on gettin' drunk
in the present, shall we?

23
00:00:59,208 --> 00:01:01,911
So, quick announcement... seriously.

24
00:01:01,943 --> 00:01:05,081
Guys, no pissin' in
the corners this year.

25
00:01:05,114 --> 00:01:06,506
I'm serious.

26
00:01:06,553 --> 00:01:10,085
No, if you can't make it to the
bathroom, please wear a diaper.

27
00:01:11,419 --> 00:01:13,922
I am lookin' at you, Brent Musburger.

28
00:01:21,830 --> 00:01:23,232
Hey, fellas.

29
00:01:23,264 --> 00:01:25,300
Can I get a second with him, please?

30
00:01:25,333 --> 00:01:25,748
Get up.

31
00:01:25,818 --> 00:01:29,271
Hey, you don't have to go
just 'cause he says so.

32
00:01:29,304 --> 00:01:31,040
Hi, Joe Buck.

33
00:01:31,072 --> 00:01:34,142
Listen, did you lie to Robbie Butler

34
00:01:34,176 --> 00:01:37,245
and tell him that I wear
non-prescription glasses

35
00:01:37,279 --> 00:01:38,848
to seem smart?

36
00:01:38,881 --> 00:01:41,283
I... Joe Buck, it's
nothing personal, all right?

37
00:01:41,316 --> 00:01:43,482
I just happen to hate your stupid face.

38
00:01:43,552 --> 00:01:45,960
You were a groomsman at my wedding.

39
00:01:46,062 --> 00:01:47,564
Look, Joe.

40
00:01:47,598 --> 00:01:49,100
It's not just that you became

41
00:01:49,133 --> 00:01:51,603
the biggest broadcaster in America.

42
00:01:53,838 --> 00:01:55,640
Actually, yes, it is. That's it.

43
00:01:55,672 --> 00:01:56,773
Jesus, Jim.

44
00:01:56,806 --> 00:01:57,774
How was I supposed to know

45
00:01:57,807 --> 00:02:00,678
I was gonna plateau at age 24?

46
00:02:00,711 --> 00:02:02,847
Oh, come on. I guess, what?

47
00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:05,482
Like, your grass probably isn't as green

48
00:02:05,515 --> 00:02:07,184
as I imagine, though, right?

49
00:02:07,217 --> 00:02:10,454
No, life's pretty fantastic.

50
00:02:10,488 --> 00:02:11,656
And it's weird.

51
00:02:11,689 --> 00:02:13,458
I'm so famous right now

52
00:02:13,491 --> 00:02:16,995
that I pretty much just think
about something, and it appears.

53
00:02:19,229 --> 00:02:20,664
Who was that?

54
00:02:20,698 --> 00:02:22,065
Who was what?

55
00:02:22,098 --> 00:02:23,835
Great. Thanks for comin' by.

56
00:02:23,868 --> 00:02:25,136
Mission accomplished.

57
00:02:25,169 --> 00:02:26,670
I feel stupid and weak and vulnerable.

58
00:02:26,704 --> 00:02:29,140
Listen to me. Listen
to me. Look in my eyes.

59
00:02:29,172 --> 00:02:33,677
Now that I know what's
wrong, I think I can fix it.

60
00:02:33,711 --> 00:02:35,112
How you gonna do that?

61
00:02:35,145 --> 00:02:37,081
I don't want to oversell this, okay?

62
00:02:37,113 --> 00:02:38,482
But let's just say that by the time

63
00:02:38,516 --> 00:02:41,586
you get back to your
hotel room tonight...

64
00:02:41,618 --> 00:02:44,688
you may have a
big surprise waiting for you.

65
00:03:00,136 --> 00:03:03,106
Ooh.

66
00:03:09,546 --> 00:03:13,116
Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck!

67
00:03:13,149 --> 00:03:15,586
Joe Buck!

68
00:03:15,618 --> 00:03:17,588
Ohh, fuck his ass.

69
00:03:26,230 --> 00:03:28,199
Joe Buck didn't shit in your bed.

70
00:03:28,231 --> 00:03:29,734
That was Musburger.

71
00:03:29,766 --> 00:03:32,270
Musbur... get outta here. Musburger.

72
00:03:32,302 --> 00:03:34,271
It was payback for that diaper joke.

73
00:03:34,304 --> 00:03:36,006
He always brags about it.

74
00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:38,276
Says it was the shit of his life.

75
00:03:38,308 --> 00:03:41,678
You know, that's actually pretty
funny comin' from Musburger.

76
00:03:41,712 --> 00:03:43,548
What the hell was the big surprise

77
00:03:43,581 --> 00:03:45,116
that Joe Buck was talkin' about, then?

78
00:03:45,148 --> 00:03:46,783
His producer was supposed to call

79
00:03:46,817 --> 00:03:47,985
and offer you the chance to fill in

80
00:03:48,017 --> 00:03:52,289
on the number-one broadcast
crew when Buck left for football.

81
00:03:52,323 --> 00:03:53,546
Your phone didn't ring?

82
00:03:53,703 --> 00:03:54,429
I don't know.

83
00:03:54,460 --> 00:03:56,940
I ran the hell out of
there to go kill Joe Buck!

84
00:03:56,972 --> 00:03:59,335
So, your life would have
been completely different

85
00:03:59,382 --> 00:04:01,977
had Musburger just had a smaller dinner.

86
00:04:02,011 --> 00:04:04,514
All right, look, Joe Buck
asked me to come out here

87
00:04:04,547 --> 00:04:07,050
to invite you to join him
for this year's Mack & McGraw.

88
00:04:07,083 --> 00:04:08,852
And I think you should do it.

89
00:04:08,885 --> 00:04:11,453
Well, Robbie, I'll think about it.

90
00:04:11,487 --> 00:04:14,457
And I do want to thank you for comin'.

91
00:04:14,489 --> 00:04:16,859
And you know, I want you to know...

92
00:04:16,893 --> 00:04:18,961
I think I learned a lot
about gender and sexuality

93
00:04:18,995 --> 00:04:19,996
over the years.

94
00:04:20,029 --> 00:04:22,097
No, I have. And I...

95
00:04:22,131 --> 00:04:23,633
I think I'm a lot more sensitive

96
00:04:23,666 --> 00:04:24,868
to what you were going
through back then.

97
00:04:24,900 --> 00:04:26,469
What are you doin'?

98
00:04:26,501 --> 00:04:27,570
I'm just tryin' to
connect with you, is all.

99
00:04:27,602 --> 00:04:29,037
- Hey, Jim.
- Just stop.

100
00:04:29,071 --> 00:04:30,440
- Let go of his hand.
- Come on.

101
00:04:30,472 --> 00:04:31,740
He doesn't really want to hold hands.

102
00:04:31,774 --> 00:04:32,909
- No, it's all right.
- Get away from me.

103
00:04:32,941 --> 00:04:34,076
Jim, he doesn't want to hold hands!

104
00:04:34,109 --> 00:04:35,512
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

105
00:04:35,545 --> 00:04:36,746
Look, I'm glad you're doin' better.

106
00:04:36,779 --> 00:04:40,149
All right, but you did sucker punch me.

107
00:04:40,183 --> 00:04:41,651
Mouth or stomach?

108
00:04:41,683 --> 00:04:43,018
Well, I make a living with this mouth.

109
00:04:43,051 --> 00:04:44,887
Yeah... Ohh!

110
00:04:46,488 --> 00:04:48,490
Hope to see you in Chicago, Jim.

111
00:04:48,524 --> 00:04:51,594
You're a good man, Robbie Butler.

112
00:04:53,062 --> 00:04:56,800
You... you guys have a
pretty complicated friendship.

113
00:04:58,468 --> 00:05:02,172
Come on, it's the perfect
time to take a vacation.

114
00:05:02,204 --> 00:05:03,839
Team's on a road trip.

115
00:05:03,873 --> 00:05:05,474
I'm almost paid off on my loan.

116
00:05:05,507 --> 00:05:07,476
We have money for travel and booze.

117
00:05:07,510 --> 00:05:09,111
Drinks are free at Mack & McGraw,

118
00:05:09,144 --> 00:05:10,512
but I do not want to go.

119
00:05:10,546 --> 00:05:11,815
When you were suicidal,

120
00:05:11,848 --> 00:05:13,049
the only thing that
convinced you to live

121
00:05:13,082 --> 00:05:14,683
was my promise of free booze.

122
00:05:14,716 --> 00:05:16,786
You said that if hell had
an open bar, you'd shake...

123
00:05:16,819 --> 00:05:18,021
- Satan's hand.
- Satan's hand, I know.

124
00:05:18,053 --> 00:05:19,589
Yeah, so what is going on?

125
00:05:19,622 --> 00:05:21,591
What's goin' on is
I'm ashamed, all right?

126
00:05:21,623 --> 00:05:23,792
This is gonna be like
my high-school reunion.

127
00:05:23,825 --> 00:05:26,895
Only instead of getting fat and
bald, I ended up here.

128
00:05:26,928 --> 00:05:28,530
What is so wrong with this place?

129
00:05:28,563 --> 00:05:30,065
Please don't look at Dale right now.

130
00:05:30,098 --> 00:05:32,769
Just don't... no. Don't!

131
00:05:32,801 --> 00:05:35,938
This stain's old. You
can go ahead and serve me.

132
00:05:37,807 --> 00:05:41,610
Look, I'm ashamed of what
I have become, all right?

133
00:05:41,644 --> 00:05:43,213
I used to be one of the greats.

134
00:05:43,245 --> 00:05:45,681
I was a pillar of
Midwestern American values,

135
00:05:45,714 --> 00:05:47,584
and now I'm... I'm some kind of clown

136
00:05:47,617 --> 00:05:49,186
that gets drunk on the Internet.

137
00:05:51,286 --> 00:05:52,721
Look at me.

138
00:05:52,755 --> 00:05:54,089
I'm with you every day.

139
00:05:54,123 --> 00:05:56,625
You have nothing to be ashamed of...

140
00:05:56,659 --> 00:05:58,094
other than your toenail situation,

141
00:05:58,127 --> 00:05:59,496
which we've discussed.

142
00:05:59,529 --> 00:06:01,531
- I-I don't know what that is.
-  It's fungus.

143
00:06:01,563 --> 00:06:03,799
- Yeah, but is it, though?
- Yes, yeah.

144
00:06:03,832 --> 00:06:06,101
If you're not gonna do
it for you, do it for us.

145
00:06:06,135 --> 00:06:08,070
It'll be our first vacation together.

146
00:06:08,103 --> 00:06:09,772
We just got back from Pittsburgh.

147
00:06:09,805 --> 00:06:12,809
Going to Pittsburgh to get
an abortion doesn't count.

148
00:06:12,841 --> 00:06:15,245
All right, that's a fair point.

149
00:06:15,277 --> 00:06:17,813
All right, what the
hell? Let's go to Chicago.

150
00:06:17,846 --> 00:06:19,983
But just so we can have the kind of sex

151
00:06:20,015 --> 00:06:22,985
that is only possible when
somebody else cleans the sheets.

152
00:06:23,019 --> 00:06:24,521
It is the best kind.

153
00:06:24,553 --> 00:06:27,190
Oh, it is.

154
00:06:27,223 --> 00:06:29,259
Here are the stadium keys.

155
00:06:30,593 --> 00:06:32,295
Your only job... literally,

156
00:06:32,327 --> 00:06:34,563
the only thing you have to do

157
00:06:34,596 --> 00:06:36,265
is make sure it doesn't burn down.

158
00:06:36,298 --> 00:06:38,300
Okay. You know, this means a lot to me.

159
00:06:38,334 --> 00:06:40,269
Not a lot of people
will put this much power

160
00:06:40,303 --> 00:06:41,671
in the hands of a teenager.

161
00:06:41,704 --> 00:06:43,038
Yeah, well, don't pull a muscle

162
00:06:43,072 --> 00:06:45,108
givin' yourself a pat
on the back or anything.

163
00:06:45,140 --> 00:06:47,776
She just doesn't think you have
enough friends to throw a party.

164
00:06:47,810 --> 00:06:49,745
Well, maybe the old Charles.

165
00:06:49,779 --> 00:06:51,314
But you're looking at the producer

166
00:06:51,346 --> 00:06:54,250
of a top-10 podcast on iTunes Charles.

167
00:06:54,283 --> 00:06:56,953
This is the Charles who
spent the past four months

168
00:06:56,985 --> 00:06:58,954
locked in a room with that egomaniac

169
00:06:58,988 --> 00:07:01,156
just soaking up
confidence like a sponge.

170
00:07:01,190 --> 00:07:03,026
I'm not going to throw a party,

171
00:07:03,058 --> 00:07:06,128
but if I did, it would be lit.

172
00:07:06,161 --> 00:07:08,130
I believe you.

173
00:07:08,163 --> 00:07:10,599
You should.

174
00:07:10,632 --> 00:07:12,067
No, she doesn't.

175
00:07:15,904 --> 00:07:17,840
Ladies and gentlemen...

176
00:07:20,041 --> 00:07:21,678
Titties.

177
00:07:21,711 --> 00:07:23,580
Titties and titties.

178
00:07:23,613 --> 00:07:26,182
Titties plus titties equals...

179
00:07:26,214 --> 00:07:27,316
titties.

180
00:07:34,356 --> 00:07:37,159
All right, wait, just... one second.

181
00:07:38,954 --> 00:07:40,522
I've never seen you so nervous.

182
00:07:41,287 --> 00:07:43,107
I... you know.

183
00:07:43,256 --> 00:07:45,759
What if these guys don't like
who I am now or somethin'?

184
00:07:45,792 --> 00:07:47,327
Or even worse... what if they

185
00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:48,862
just don't give a shit
that I'm even here?

186
00:07:48,894 --> 00:07:51,764
If anyone is mean to you,
I will grab a sharp object

187
00:07:51,797 --> 00:07:53,833
and... and stab them till they stop.

188
00:07:53,867 --> 00:07:56,436
Well, that sounds like a good plan.

189
00:07:58,204 --> 00:07:59,338
You're gonna be great.

190
00:07:59,372 --> 00:08:00,307
All right, ready?

191
00:08:00,340 --> 00:08:01,642
Ready.

192
00:08:03,542 --> 00:08:04,877
Don't really stab anybody.

193
00:08:04,910 --> 00:08:06,180
Okay.

194
00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:09,783
- Oh.
- Hey!

195
00:08:11,617 --> 00:08:12,785
Hey.

196
00:08:12,819 --> 00:08:14,922
Brian Kenny, get outta here!

197
00:08:14,954 --> 00:08:16,255
Good to see you.

198
00:08:16,288 --> 00:08:17,658
Jim, great to see you.

199
00:08:17,691 --> 00:08:19,359
You too. I don't know who you are,

200
00:08:19,391 --> 00:08:20,560
but it's great to see you.

201
00:08:20,593 --> 00:08:21,661
We've met five times, but it's okay.

202
00:08:21,694 --> 00:08:23,362
Robbie Butler, give me a break.

203
00:08:23,396 --> 00:08:24,831
- Good to see you. All right.
- Jim.

204
00:08:24,864 --> 00:08:26,233
Tim Kurkjian, how are you?

205
00:08:26,266 --> 00:08:27,467
- Good to see you.
- You good?

206
00:08:27,499 --> 00:08:29,202
Hey!

207
00:08:36,742 --> 00:08:37,944
It's Joe Buck.

208
00:08:37,978 --> 00:08:39,612
What took you so long?

209
00:08:39,646 --> 00:08:44,585
Uh, sorry, I got held up
finger-blasting your mom.

210
00:08:46,619 --> 00:08:48,655
My mom's dead.

211
00:08:48,687 --> 00:08:52,792
Well, no wonder it took
her so long to finish.

212
00:08:56,396 --> 00:08:57,731
Come here, you old buckeye.

213
00:08:57,763 --> 00:08:59,498
You smell like shit!

214
00:09:03,335 --> 00:09:04,437
I love you, though.

215
00:09:04,471 --> 00:09:06,974
I missed this guy.

216
00:09:07,006 --> 00:09:08,842
I missed all of ya.

217
00:09:16,382 --> 00:09:18,517
Oh, my!

218
00:09:18,550 --> 00:09:20,853
You and Jerry Reinsdorf
are gonna be neck and neck

219
00:09:20,886 --> 00:09:22,856
for the title of most attractive owner.

220
00:09:24,757 --> 00:09:26,359
Okay, what time's dinner?

221
00:09:26,392 --> 00:09:28,694
Whoa, whoa, whoa, oh.

222
00:09:28,728 --> 00:09:31,631
It's a tradition that
women aren't allowed

223
00:09:31,665 --> 00:09:33,733
into this event until after dinner.

224
00:09:33,766 --> 00:09:35,669
What? These guys' wives, they don't eat?

225
00:09:35,702 --> 00:09:37,504
There are no wives at Mack & McGraw.

226
00:09:37,536 --> 00:09:39,872
Back in the day, we called
after dinner Whores' Hour.

227
00:09:39,905 --> 00:09:41,275
What do you call it now?

228
00:09:41,308 --> 00:09:42,609
Whores' Hour.

229
00:09:42,641 --> 00:09:45,011
But we just... we... we
tend to whisper that now.

230
00:09:45,045 --> 00:09:47,679
I was real excited to talk
baseball with Brian Kenny.

231
00:09:47,713 --> 00:09:50,416
I tried to last night, but
Charlie Steiner cornered me

232
00:09:50,449 --> 00:09:52,718
and kept showing me
pictures of his three pugs.

233
00:09:52,752 --> 00:09:54,854
Jesus, really?

234
00:09:54,887 --> 00:09:57,891
Anyway, how's this for
a compromise, all right?

235
00:09:57,924 --> 00:09:59,393
Don't do me any favors.

236
00:09:59,425 --> 00:10:01,027
You meet me after
dinner at Mack & McGraw,

237
00:10:01,060 --> 00:10:04,297
and in the meantime, you can
use this ticket to today's

238
00:10:04,330 --> 00:10:05,765
♪ Cubs game ♪

239
00:10:05,799 --> 00:10:07,367
- What?!
- Yep.

240
00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:08,535
No, you didn't!

241
00:10:08,568 --> 00:10:10,370
Are you for real?

242
00:10:11,771 --> 00:10:13,306
I've never been to Wrigley!

243
00:10:13,339 --> 00:10:14,373
I'm aware of that.

244
00:10:14,406 --> 00:10:16,042
Holy shit.

245
00:10:17,510 --> 00:10:18,478
Thank you, Jim.

246
00:10:18,511 --> 00:10:20,046
You are welcome.

247
00:10:20,079 --> 00:10:23,916
When you used to come to Chicago
by yourself back in the day,

248
00:10:23,949 --> 00:10:28,387
did you... partake in Whores' Hour?

249
00:10:28,420 --> 00:10:29,622
No, I did not.

250
00:10:29,655 --> 00:10:30,424
Come on.

251
00:10:30,457 --> 00:10:32,492
Jules, at the time of my divorce,

252
00:10:32,525 --> 00:10:34,795
Lucy was the only woman
that I had ever slept with.

253
00:10:34,828 --> 00:10:36,063
Dear God!

254
00:10:37,564 --> 00:10:39,632
Are you biggest cuckold of all time?

255
00:10:39,665 --> 00:10:40,934
I think without a doubt I am.

256
00:10:40,967 --> 00:10:42,569
You know, there's a whole subgenre

257
00:10:42,602 --> 00:10:43,636
of porn devoted to this.

258
00:10:43,670 --> 00:10:44,905
You know that, right?

259
00:10:44,938 --> 00:10:46,405
Guys dress up as me

260
00:10:46,439 --> 00:10:48,809
and then watch other
men plow their wives.

261
00:10:48,842 --> 00:10:50,077
Yeah, Cuckmire, I've seen it.

262
00:10:50,109 --> 00:10:51,944
Cuckmire.

263
00:10:51,978 --> 00:10:53,546
I wasn't aware it was called Cuckmire.

264
00:10:53,579 --> 00:10:55,715
That's fine.

265
00:10:55,748 --> 00:10:57,683
You know, for the
longest time, I just...

266
00:10:57,717 --> 00:11:00,420
I really hated who I became. I did.

267
00:11:00,453 --> 00:11:02,389
But now for the first
time in a long time,

268
00:11:02,421 --> 00:11:04,657
I feel like I can maybe
change back into who I was.

269
00:11:04,690 --> 00:11:08,394
And that is thanks to you.

270
00:11:08,428 --> 00:11:10,097
Wow.

271
00:11:10,130 --> 00:11:11,998
I can't believe your
Tinder bio was real.

272
00:11:12,030 --> 00:11:13,833
You actually own a
minor-league baseball team?

273
00:11:13,867 --> 00:11:16,435
Yeah. You know, this is just one of

274
00:11:16,468 --> 00:11:18,805
my many investments at the moment.

275
00:11:18,838 --> 00:11:20,873
How's your beer, by the way?

276
00:11:20,906 --> 00:11:23,843
Uh, warm and tastes kind of funny.

277
00:11:23,877 --> 00:11:25,712
Mm, yeah, I couldn't find any cups,

278
00:11:25,745 --> 00:11:27,948
so I just rinsed out
a few ranch containers.

279
00:11:27,981 --> 00:11:29,516
I see that.

280
00:11:29,549 --> 00:11:32,886
So, are you, uh... you from around here?

281
00:11:32,919 --> 00:11:34,621
Oh, no, I'm from Ohio.

282
00:11:34,654 --> 00:11:36,623
I'm with the theater camp
just right down the road.

283
00:11:36,655 --> 00:11:38,391
Mm, yeah. That makes sense

284
00:11:38,425 --> 00:11:41,928
'cause normally everybody
here already knows who I am.

285
00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:45,398
- 'Cause, um, you know Drake?
- Yeah.

286
00:11:45,431 --> 00:11:49,101
I'm pretty much what Drake is to Toronto

287
00:11:49,135 --> 00:11:50,504
but to Morristown.

288
00:11:50,536 --> 00:11:51,971
Wow.

289
00:11:52,005 --> 00:11:53,874
Hey, cheers.

290
00:12:01,238 --> 00:12:03,174
I got one. So, a few years ago,

291
00:12:03,206 --> 00:12:04,474
I'm doing the World Series.

292
00:12:04,508 --> 00:12:05,538
I'm worn out, middle of the night,

293
00:12:05,577 --> 00:12:08,479
phone rings, and on the
other end I hear slapping.

294
00:12:08,512 --> 00:12:12,183
And this drunken, absurd
voice comes on and goes,

295
00:12:12,215 --> 00:12:15,186
"That's the way my balls sound."

296
00:12:15,219 --> 00:12:16,887
Tell me that wad'n't you.

297
00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:18,389
Seriously, I have no recollection,

298
00:12:18,421 --> 00:12:20,925
but, you know, I have a very
serious drinkin' problem.

299
00:12:20,958 --> 00:12:22,393
Hey!

300
00:12:22,426 --> 00:12:24,729
Not kiddin', actually,
but cheers anyway.

301
00:12:24,762 --> 00:12:26,763
Yeah, these things have really
gone downhill since you left.

302
00:12:26,796 --> 00:12:29,966
Three years ago, Joe hosted.
He workshopped his one-man show.

303
00:12:29,999 --> 00:12:31,936
Listen to me... "Echoes of My Father"

304
00:12:31,969 --> 00:12:33,903
was a Time Out New York "Thing To Do,"

305
00:12:33,936 --> 00:12:35,940
so I resent any, uh, implication

306
00:12:35,973 --> 00:12:37,942
that a good time was not had by all.

307
00:12:37,974 --> 00:12:40,110
Is your new show called
"The Puffed-Up Twat"?

308
00:12:41,177 --> 00:12:42,812
Can you just go away again?

309
00:12:42,845 --> 00:12:44,347
I... please, I can't wait to see

310
00:12:44,380 --> 00:12:46,249
what y'all have on tap for this year.

311
00:12:46,282 --> 00:12:48,451
Oh, we got a fantastic
video tribute for you.

312
00:12:48,484 --> 00:12:50,787
- Oh!
- Jesus, Jonah, that was a surprise.

313
00:12:50,820 --> 00:12:52,223
Wait, what? How was I supposed to know?

314
00:12:52,255 --> 00:12:54,424
Really, a video tribute? Really?

315
00:12:54,458 --> 00:12:55,960
- Yeah.
- Guys, I'm touched.

316
00:12:55,993 --> 00:12:58,262
I am touched, but I do reserve the right

317
00:12:58,295 --> 00:13:00,064
to respond with a few words of my own.

318
00:13:00,096 --> 00:13:02,066
Well, as long as you
don't bust out a version

319
00:13:02,099 --> 00:13:03,400
of "Papa Can You Hear Me?"

320
00:13:03,432 --> 00:13:05,335
It was emotional, and
it made Kurkjian cry.

321
00:13:05,369 --> 00:13:06,836
Right or wrong?

322
00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:10,140
Uh, hey, I found his
sincerity compelling.

323
00:13:10,173 --> 00:13:12,842
Plus, I love lentil.

324
00:13:14,344 --> 00:13:15,479
You mean "Yentl."

325
00:13:15,512 --> 00:13:16,914
What's in this thing?

326
00:13:16,946 --> 00:13:19,450
Oh, I love all beans. Here's to beans!

327
00:13:19,483 --> 00:13:21,218
Beans! And Streisand.

328
00:13:21,250 --> 00:13:23,887
- Lentil!
- To Barbra Streisand.

329
00:13:31,595 --> 00:13:35,065
Yeah, I like a really
relaxed work environment.

330
00:13:35,098 --> 00:13:36,801
It's beautiful.

331
00:13:36,834 --> 00:13:38,301
Can I refill your beer?

332
00:13:38,335 --> 00:13:41,138
Can I have extra ranch
dressing in mine this time?

333
00:13:41,171 --> 00:13:42,306
Of course you can.

334
00:13:44,041 --> 00:13:47,011
Because their investing in contact

335
00:13:47,043 --> 00:13:48,878
throughout the lineup is so shrewd.

336
00:13:48,912 --> 00:13:50,314
In the high-velo era,

337
00:13:50,346 --> 00:13:52,282
the ability just to not strike out

338
00:13:52,316 --> 00:13:54,285
is in itself an undervalued asset.

339
00:13:54,317 --> 00:13:55,485
Wow.

340
00:13:55,518 --> 00:13:56,921
I have to say,

341
00:13:56,954 --> 00:13:58,556
I've enjoyed talking baseball with you

342
00:13:58,589 --> 00:14:00,023
more than any other escort

343
00:14:00,056 --> 00:14:01,892
who's ever come up
to me at these things.

344
00:14:01,925 --> 00:14:03,995
But I'm a married
man. Have a good night.

345
00:14:12,402 --> 00:14:16,272
Uh-oh. What? What's the matter?

346
00:14:16,306 --> 00:14:19,008
Well, for one thing, Brian
Kenny think I'm a prostitute.

347
00:14:19,042 --> 00:14:21,545
The Frackers lost at Slippery Rock.

348
00:14:21,577 --> 00:14:23,379
Cubs game was rained out, and...

349
00:14:23,412 --> 00:14:26,450
there's a whore wearing the
exact same dress I'm wearing.

350
00:14:26,483 --> 00:14:28,051
Shh. Darlin', shh, shh, shh!

351
00:14:28,085 --> 00:14:29,586
We say "sex worker" now.

352
00:14:31,488 --> 00:14:32,556
What are you doing?

353
00:14:32,589 --> 00:14:33,590
Oh, I'm just workin' on my speech.

354
00:14:33,623 --> 00:14:35,258
I usually go off the cuff,

355
00:14:35,292 --> 00:14:37,595
but I like to have a few
bullets loaded into the chamber.

356
00:14:37,628 --> 00:14:40,296
I got jokes on how many
times Olbermann's been fired.

357
00:14:40,330 --> 00:14:41,532
- Mm-hmm.
- A lot.

358
00:14:41,565 --> 00:14:43,704
How Rich Eisen went bald at 23.

359
00:14:43,754 --> 00:14:44,391
Mm-hmm.

360
00:14:44,438 --> 00:14:46,337
And how Chris Berman's neck

361
00:14:46,369 --> 00:14:48,438
is slowly but surely
swallowing his entire face.

362
00:14:48,471 --> 00:14:50,306
Oh, then for my closer,

363
00:14:50,340 --> 00:14:52,243
I'm gonna pull out my dick,

364
00:14:52,276 --> 00:14:54,311
put it on Brent Musburger's face,

365
00:14:54,344 --> 00:14:55,479
and say, "Oh, looks like

366
00:14:55,512 --> 00:14:57,248
somebody can finally grow a mustache."

367
00:14:59,115 --> 00:15:00,617
I don't get it.

368
00:15:00,651 --> 00:15:02,419
Well, look, everybody here knows

369
00:15:02,451 --> 00:15:04,621
that Musburger can't
grow facial hair, see.

370
00:15:04,654 --> 00:15:07,957
Plus, you know, my dick
will be on his face.

371
00:15:07,990 --> 00:15:09,460
How much have you had to drink?

372
00:15:09,493 --> 00:15:12,363
Well, it's free, so I
don't know... all of it?

373
00:15:12,396 --> 00:15:13,597
I...

374
00:15:13,629 --> 00:15:14,931
Please take your seats.

375
00:15:14,965 --> 00:15:16,934
The show is about to begin.

376
00:15:16,966 --> 00:15:19,235
Come on, darlin'.

377
00:15:21,971 --> 00:15:24,240
Thank you.

378
00:15:24,273 --> 00:15:27,143
Joe!

379
00:15:28,979 --> 00:15:33,017
Our friend Jim Brockmire
has been resurrected.

380
00:15:33,050 --> 00:15:35,352
And as with Lazarus of Bethany,

381
00:15:35,384 --> 00:15:38,221
there really is only one response

382
00:15:38,254 --> 00:15:40,323
to this incredible journey.

383
00:15:40,356 --> 00:15:41,591
Jesus wept.

384
00:15:43,160 --> 00:15:45,562
I now present our tribute film,

385
00:15:45,595 --> 00:15:49,032
Legend of the Booth."

386
00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:53,202
Whoo! Whoo-hoo!

387
00:15:53,235 --> 00:15:56,506
My first memory of Jim Brockmire

388
00:15:56,540 --> 00:15:59,176
was just being completely jealous

389
00:15:59,209 --> 00:16:02,513
that he got to be the
youngest play-by-play man

390
00:16:02,546 --> 00:16:04,281
in baseball history.

391
00:16:04,314 --> 00:16:05,416
From the start there was something

392
00:16:05,449 --> 00:16:07,418
delightfully off about Jim.

393
00:16:07,450 --> 00:16:10,086
We would listen to the
feed of the game at ESPN,

394
00:16:10,119 --> 00:16:11,087
look at each other and go,

395
00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:12,655
"What the fuck did he just say?"

396
00:16:12,689 --> 00:16:15,726
Am I a cartoon cat who got
hit on the head with a soup can?

397
00:16:15,758 --> 00:16:18,228
Because I am seeing
double... double play!

398
00:16:18,261 --> 00:16:19,558
And that'll end the inning.

399
00:16:19,613 --> 00:16:23,199
And like a newly divorced
dad's dinner, Clark is frozen.

400
00:16:23,233 --> 00:16:24,734
Strike three, lookin'.

401
00:16:24,768 --> 00:16:26,537
Those Reds games were insane.

402
00:16:26,570 --> 00:16:28,571
Whenever Kansas City
would go to Cincinnati,

403
00:16:28,604 --> 00:16:30,707
Marty Brennaman would usually bring in

404
00:16:30,740 --> 00:16:32,342
some top-shelf bourbon.

405
00:16:32,375 --> 00:16:34,143
And Jim would get into
it during the game.

406
00:16:34,176 --> 00:16:36,180
Oh, man, I'm loose.

407
00:16:36,213 --> 00:16:38,282
It's like there's an electric blanket

408
00:16:38,315 --> 00:16:39,616
coursing through my veins.

409
00:16:41,450 --> 00:16:43,019
Uh, welcome back, folks.

410
00:16:43,052 --> 00:16:44,455
You snuck up on me there.

411
00:16:44,488 --> 00:16:46,522
Sorry about that, Kansas City.

412
00:16:46,556 --> 00:16:48,758
Well, eventually, he'd get buzzed enough

413
00:16:48,792 --> 00:16:51,762
that he'd start to bring out
"The Godfather" references.

414
00:16:51,795 --> 00:16:54,698
Beltran makes a diving stab. And oh!

415
00:16:54,730 --> 00:16:57,700
Look how they massacred my boy!

416
00:16:57,734 --> 00:16:59,136
Top of the third now...

417
00:16:59,168 --> 00:17:00,703
Oh, my God.

418
00:17:00,737 --> 00:17:02,606
What's the matter?

419
00:17:02,638 --> 00:17:05,308
I've always been like this.

420
00:17:05,341 --> 00:17:07,410
... your daughter would be
suffering this very day.

421
00:17:10,723 --> 00:17:12,560
I just... I want to apologize.

422
00:17:12,593 --> 00:17:15,329
This was, um, my first time...

423
00:17:15,362 --> 00:17:18,933
really, like, touching a vagina.

424
00:17:18,965 --> 00:17:22,236
Yeah, I figured that pretty early on.

425
00:17:22,268 --> 00:17:24,305
Cool.

426
00:17:24,337 --> 00:17:27,507
Any...

427
00:17:27,541 --> 00:17:30,478
tips?

428
00:17:30,510 --> 00:17:32,613
Maybe don't pound a
cervix like a medieval army

429
00:17:32,645 --> 00:17:34,247
trying to break through a castle door.

430
00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:35,582
Thank you.

431
00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:42,789
- If you let me back in, I think...
- No.

432
00:17:42,823 --> 00:17:44,191
Okay.

433
00:17:48,394 --> 00:17:51,565
What if, maybe,

434
00:17:51,599 --> 00:17:54,402
you would want to...

435
00:17:54,434 --> 00:17:56,203
try something on me?

436
00:17:56,237 --> 00:17:57,939
But please don't feel pressure to

437
00:17:57,971 --> 00:17:59,606
if you don't want to, but, like...

438
00:18:03,710 --> 00:18:07,414
Jim was never
subtle about how little he...

439
00:18:07,448 --> 00:18:09,026
gave a fuck.

440
00:18:09,032 --> 00:18:10,276
One time in Kansas City,

441
00:18:10,298 --> 00:18:12,783
they actually held up the
start of an inning for him.

442
00:18:12,987 --> 00:18:14,755
I'm so sorry.

443
00:18:14,787 --> 00:18:16,824
I had about 40 ounces of
iced tea brewing down there.

444
00:18:16,856 --> 00:18:19,426
Play ball! Play ball.

445
00:18:19,459 --> 00:18:21,996
Jim, you are
absolutely one-of-a-kind.

446
00:18:22,028 --> 00:18:23,930
And I'm sure you're
gonna be givin' us all

447
00:18:23,964 --> 00:18:25,566
great stories for years to come.

448
00:18:25,599 --> 00:18:27,568
Probably even some tonight.

449
00:18:31,772 --> 00:18:33,908
All right, let's hear
from the man himself.

450
00:18:33,940 --> 00:18:36,576
Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Brockmire.

451
00:18:36,610 --> 00:18:40,281
Whoo!

452
00:18:40,314 --> 00:18:41,314
Whoo!

453
00:18:46,953 --> 00:18:49,322
- We love you, Jim!
- Thank you.

454
00:18:52,726 --> 00:18:54,295
That's obvious, really.

455
00:18:54,327 --> 00:18:55,662
If I do say so myself,

456
00:18:55,696 --> 00:18:58,599
from that tribute and
from the whole weekend.

457
00:19:04,537 --> 00:19:05,739
Well...

458
00:19:05,773 --> 00:19:07,308
it just seems like a lot of you

459
00:19:07,341 --> 00:19:09,310
kind of love me when
I'm at my most reckless,

460
00:19:09,343 --> 00:19:11,344
which is, uh...

461
00:19:11,378 --> 00:19:13,014
I mean, I get it. Believe me.

462
00:19:14,847 --> 00:19:16,349
Uh, it's understandable and everything.

463
00:19:16,382 --> 00:19:17,684
It's just, um...

464
00:19:17,718 --> 00:19:20,321
Well...

465
00:19:20,353 --> 00:19:21,721
It just doesn't feel that much different

466
00:19:21,755 --> 00:19:23,056
from the folks that like to laugh at me

467
00:19:23,090 --> 00:19:24,025
on the Internet is all.

468
00:19:26,826 --> 00:19:28,074
Joe Buck's one-man show

469
00:19:28,129 --> 00:19:30,062
is looking better and better.

470
00:19:30,482 --> 00:19:32,900
I think I'd be more relaxed
if I didn't see your face.

471
00:19:32,932 --> 00:19:34,501
Okay, that makes sense.

472
00:19:34,535 --> 00:19:36,637
And if I sang.

473
00:19:36,670 --> 00:19:38,439
Okay.

474
00:19:41,975 --> 00:19:45,045
♪ Amazing grace ♪

475
00:19:45,078 --> 00:19:48,515
♪ How sweet the sound ♪

476
00:19:48,548 --> 00:19:52,920
♪ That saved a wretch like me ♪

477
00:19:52,952 --> 00:19:55,889
♪ I once was lost ♪

478
00:19:55,922 --> 00:19:58,625
♪ But now am found ♪

479
00:19:58,659 --> 00:20:03,531
♪ Was blind but now I see ♪

480
00:20:05,365 --> 00:20:08,335
♪ Amazing grace ♪

481
00:20:08,369 --> 00:20:12,340
♪ How sweet the sound ♪

482
00:20:12,372 --> 00:20:17,010
♪ That saved a wretch like me ♪

483
00:20:17,044 --> 00:20:18,879
I don't know... you know,

484
00:20:18,911 --> 00:20:21,781
maybe watching this
thing just made me realize

485
00:20:21,814 --> 00:20:23,584
that everybody gets to decide

486
00:20:23,616 --> 00:20:25,920
the kind of man that they want to be.

487
00:20:25,952 --> 00:20:28,421
And maybe true change really is possible

488
00:20:28,455 --> 00:20:32,760
if we just have the will and
the self-control to be better.

489
00:20:32,793 --> 00:20:34,929
And I think I have that now.

490
00:20:36,130 --> 00:20:38,933
And if we need proof of that, well,

491
00:20:38,966 --> 00:20:42,603
all we need to do is look at
Mr. Brent Musburger over here.

492
00:20:45,005 --> 00:20:47,074
Because now he has a mustache!

493
00:20:47,106 --> 00:20:48,608
There it is! Come on!

494
00:20:51,010 --> 00:20:52,579
Come on, Brent.

495
00:20:52,613 --> 00:20:54,081
Come on, Brent!

496
00:21:02,488 --> 00:21:03,857
Musburger!

497
00:21:03,891 --> 00:21:05,092
Yeah, man!

498
00:21:05,124 --> 00:21:07,827
He's back, baby! The king is back!

499
00:21:09,696 --> 00:21:10,831
What's the matter?

500
00:21:10,863 --> 00:21:14,434
Um, the... the field is on fire.

501
00:21:14,468 --> 00:21:15,736
What?!

502
00:21:15,768 --> 00:21:17,971
A very friendly stranger came by,

503
00:21:18,005 --> 00:21:20,613
and he set fire to the outfield.

504
00:21:20,636 --> 00:21:22,108
Are you kidding?!

505
00:21:26,979 --> 00:21:28,114
Jim!

506
00:21:28,148 --> 00:21:29,650
Jim!

507
00:21:36,189 --> 00:21:38,092
Hello?

508
00:21:38,124 --> 00:21:40,928
H...

509
00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:43,497
Do you think we'll keep in touch?

510
00:21:44,727 --> 00:21:48,794
Synced and corrected by Dragoniod for
- www.addic7ed.com -