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[Christmas music playing]
[engine revving]
[music ends]
[commercial announcer on TV] Welcome to the Villa Capri.
Located in the heart of the desert
is the resort community that takes you to paradise.
You’ve worked hard all of your life,
and now--
[heavy breathing]
No!
[exhales, grunts]
That son of a bitch
is in Palm Springs.
[breathless] He's basking in the sun and playing golf.
While my husband is drinking toilet wine in supermax!
[gasping]
[panﬁng]
[grunts]
Now the only thing that I want from you for Christmas
is that rat's head in a box!
And make it look like it's an accident.
[Steven Davis's "A Few More Days Till Christmas" playing]
J‘ A few more days till Christmas J‘
J‘ My favorite time of year J‘
J‘ If we’re lucky we’ll see Santa J‘
J‘ Rudolph and his eight reindeer J‘
J‘ The snow keeps on fallin’ J‘
J‘ Sleddin' down the hill J‘
J‘ Frosty's frozen on the lawn J‘
J‘ Countin' down the days until J‘
J‘ We gather ’round decorate the tree J‘
J‘ Singin' holiday songs J‘
J‘ Spices fill the air J‘
J‘ Smell of cookies everywhere J‘
-Hi, Duke. -Hey.
J‘ A few more days to Christmas J‘
J‘ The very best time of year J‘
J‘ Fire/ight is glowing J‘
J‘ On everything we hold dear J‘
J‘ Just a few more days till Christmas I
J‘ A few more days J‘ J‘ Till Christmas is here J‘
-Hi. -Thank you.
Santa!
Oh! You're very generous, Duke.
Could I get you to sign this receipt for me?
Sure thing. You just bought your way off
-the naughty list. -Pleasure.
J‘ Rudolph and his eight reindeer J‘
J‘ Fire/ight is glowing J‘
J‘ On everything we hold dear J‘
J‘ Just a few more days till Christmas I
J‘ A few more days till Christmas J‘
-[man] Hey boss! -[Duke] Greatjob, guys. Very festive.
[song ends]
[mellow music playing]
-Excuse me. This is Mr. Diver's spot. -Perfect!
Mr. Diver make you wear those clothes?
Shine it up for me, Elf.
-[Jimmy] Nice tree. -[Duke] Who is that in my parking spot?
[Jimmy] Oh, that's a new resident, Leo McKay.
Yeah, he just checked in last night and he's actually very--
He's got a ten-gallon hat on a five-gallon head.
Paid all cash.
Cash?
Well... [clicks tongue]
Let's invite him to my private poker game.
You got it.
I'll show him who's boss.
-In the nicest way. -Of course.
-lt's crooked. -Hm?
-And there's a bald spot. -So what? A lot of trees have flaws.
A lot of people have flaws.
You can put the bad side of a tree against the wall.
What do you do with the bad side of people?
-That's deep. -Write it down.
Greetings, my darling.
Be a dear and get 5,000 out of petty cash for me.
Not a problem.
Got some stuff for you to sign here, sir.
Did you know that the builders of the great cathedrals of Europe
would leave a small flaw in the stone somewhere
just to acknowledge that only God is perfect?
Where do you learn all this stuff?
College of life, my boy.
Well, we've got the gardener's Christmas bonus,
the extra security cameras for your villa,
the bonus you asked me to pay out to the entire staff,
live animals for the nativity scene. The camels were a little expensive.
You can't a nativity without camels.
The Wise Men came from the East.
Got to give them respect.
Oh, and we have a letter from the Rotary Club
confirming your acceptance
-of Man of the Year Honors-- -I can't accept. Can't accept.
I'm uncomfortable in the limelight.
You seem comfortable in the limelight.
My golf clubs! Oh, perfect, perfect!
So, I had them close the face on the driver by a degree and a half.
You've been slicing a little recently. Should take care of it.
Good, good, good.
I think I'll just run on out to the range and let the big dogs eat.
[Ginger] Oh, Duke!
[Duke] Hm?
-Five thou. Mm-hm. -Thank you, my darlin'.
Duke, you checkin' me out?
-Every delicious inch.
That's a nice tree you got this year.
Well, thank you,
but I'm a little concerned that some of the residents
might not like a flocked tree.
Well, you know me, Duke.
I like a nice flockin' from time to time.
[Duke] A bit of Henkell's Trocken for my darlin'?
[giggles] Whatever.
[snickers] It's a little before my bedtime, but... [grunts]
-Aw, it's always your bedtime, Duke. -[both chuckle]
But darlin', you know a man's nature is a man's...
[both laughing]
[Susan Werner, "Don't Forget To Remember Christmas" playing quietly]
Hey, why don't I go and enhance the fireplace in the boudoir.
Would you like that?
-Yeah, I would. -Okay!
[whistling]
[Roberta] Hope you don't mind. I let myself in.
Pour moi?
Uh... of course!
[Roberta giggles]
What is the color of that silk against your skin?
There's a painting by Caravaggio. You could have been--
It's plum.
And you're my plum.
Oh!
Listen, darling, l-- I'm just gonna go and... lock up, turn out all the lights,
and come back and submit to your every whim.
My every whim.
[growls]
Oh... Hurry back.
[music continues]
[giggles]
Uh-- Marguerite darlin', l-- I think the...
Zoloft and the Lipitor are kicking in a little early on me.
|-- | feel woozy.
-Hold on a minute. -[Duke] What?
[whispers] Have you got another woman in there?
Oh, Marguerite... you hurt me with your accusation.
You twist the knife. The wound bleeds.
You-- you get such pleasure out-- out of my discomfort.
-l-- ljust don't-- -Hold on a second, mister.
You didn't answer my question.
Darling, trust me...
I speak from the heart when I say...
Yes, there's a woman in the bedroom.
[sighs] All right. Well...
I know I'm not your one and only, and we've got a grown-up relationship.
-Yes. -So, I'll...
Well, I'll just say good night.
-[Marguerite] I'm fine. -N-- no! Let me, let me--
-let me walk you to your door, okay? -[Marguerite] Mm-hm.
In your own way, Duke, you are strangely chivalrous.
[chuckles] Merci beaucoup.
[Marguerite] Still a cat, of course, but you got rules.
Aw, I consider myself a gentleman.
And so, "Good night. Good night. Parting is such sweet sorrow.
I shall say good night till it be 'morrow."
[chuckles] Can I quote you on that?
Well, you be my guest, Romeo.
Actually, I'm-- I'm surprised you even considered a little romance tonight
given the circumstances.
Circumstances?
Well, this is your poker night.
Ciao.
Uh... poker?
Pokeﬂ
[upbeat music playing]
[gasps]
I got the feeling that the Duke
needed a little... Roberta.
[chuckles] Uh, yes.
The Duke-- the Duke always needs a little Roberta. [chuckles]
Well, from the way you just said it, it sounds like a "not tonight".
Well, l have a meeting that requires urgent attention, darling.
-At night? -lt's morning in China.
[chuckles]
Uh, well, good night, good night, darling. Parting is such sweet sorrow.
"A horse, a horse. My kingdom for a horse."
-[nickers like a horse] -Mm-hm.
[men's laughter]
So, a guy comes home from the doctor's.
He tells his wife, "Honey, I got terrible news."
Terrible news.
"Doctor says, I only got 12 hours to live."
-Uh-huh. -Wife says, "Oh dear, that's terrible.
That's terrible. I'll do anything for you. Whatever you want."
And he says, "I want to have wild sex with you all night long."
And she looks at him and says,
"Easy for you to say. You don't have to get up in the morning."
-[laughter] -[Larry] That's funny! That's very funny!
All right. Who's betting? Who's betting? Who's betting?
It's me, and I'm goin' in for big money. 'cause I wanna take everything you got.
I'll see your 100 and raise you two.
-[Larry] That' a 100 bucks! -[overlapping chatter]
-l'll see you, I'll see you. -[chatter continues]
I heard this is where the action's at.
Who the hell are you?
I'm Leo McKay. I'm moving into um...
Villa 71. Welcome, neighbor.
Hi.
I'm Duke Diver, resident manager of this little corner of paradise.
-These are my cronies. -Duke's a legend.
Legends ain't what they used to be, are they?
[Larry] Yeah, but you don't know Duke.
He's a resident champion of everything around here.
Guys, you're embarrassing me.
I'm just a country boy tryin' to fade into the sunset
with smile on my face.
Ain't we all?
But I gotta warn you, cousin, we play for real money here.
Well, I'll try to keep up.
-[Joey] Oh. -[Larry] Holy shit-- That's a wad, man!
Shitjust got real up in here!
[Burt] That's my alimony, I can't, man, this is two months...
Okay.
[Joey] Now, where you from, Leo?
I'm a citizen of the world. Mogadishu, Jakarta, Kabul.
All the vacation spots.
-[Joey] Military? -No. Ex-military.
Currently entrepreneur.
International trade. | buy stuff, sell stuff.
Like?
Gas, guns, oil, trains, trucks. Big stuff. I like big stuff.
[overlapping chatter]
And a man of mystery.
How about we play some cards?
What's your game, cousin?
You like Five Card Draw, Stud, Omaha, Texas Hold 'Em?
Texas will do.
Deal 'em, Joey.
[Joey] And a five and a ten, ten.
Ace high.
Why don't we double that.
-[Larry] Wow. -[Burt] You guys are bank robbers.
My 700. Here's the river.
-[Larry] Look at that! -[overlapping chatter]
I'm gonna-- just for the shit's sake, I'm gonna bump it two.
[Leo] There's nine.
-Burt, what are you? You all-in? -|'m out.
And I'm all-in.
[Larry] Oh man! What we gonna do?
Okay, y'all. Read 'em and weep.
-Fu|l boat, aces up. -[Larry] Holy shit!
[Larry] We warned ya, Leo!
-That's four tens. -[Larry gasps] What?
-[Leo] Four tens. -[Larry] Damn, he beat Duke.
[Burt] I am deader than dead.
[Larry] I'm all cleaned out.
[Leo] Damn, I was lucky!
Sometimes you step in horseshit and you wind up smellin'--
Excuse me, you know, I think that one's mine.
I didn't see that.
-[chuckles] -What do you want? Why'd you come here?
I came here to continue developing my business empire
while working on my shaky golf game.
Oh, you-- you play golf?
Not well, but honestly and earnestly.
Well, uh, perhaps you will give me the chance
to win back my money on the golf course.
[Leo] Perhaps I will.
[snickers]
You know, a true gentleman does not walk away a winner.
A true gentleman keeps the game alive.
Oh, my, my, my, my! Behold the evidence.
Whatever can it mean?
She's lookin' for deep comfort and companionship and maybe a soulmate.
[Duke] Nuh-uh.
She's not lookin' for soulmate.
She's lookin' for a few precious hours of intimate connections
with no questions asked.
Maybe I'll just go over there and pick up the tab, huh?
Can't compete with that.
[Duke] Shit!
Well, could if I wanted to.
Can I buy you another round?
You can scram is what you can do.
J‘ The first noel J‘
J‘ The angel did say J‘
J‘ Was to certain poor shepherds J‘ J‘ In fields as they lay J‘
J‘ In fields where they J‘ J‘ Lay keeping their sheep J‘
[Roberta on PA] Season's greetin’s, y'all.
Good news to report. Mike Shank from villa 68
had a successful hip replacement surgery
and should be back to the Villa Capri in just a few days.
What the...
That's not my regular camel guy. Where's my regular camel guy?
Uh, he's uh, under the weather.
Oh, uh, corporate is sending a regional director down
to do a year-end review in case it...
slipped your mind.
I will look down upon him from a great height. Bring him on.
Yeah. Bring him on.
Ladies, have you seen the new guy?
He's moving into villa 71.
There's new food on the buffet.
-Yes. -[chuckles]
Oh, in the air, there's a feelin' of Christmas.
I'm Leo McKay, and you young ladies might be...
[overlapping chatter]
Look at that.
I spent years juggling stories to keep those women apart,
and in 20 minutes, he's got them lined up for a three-way.
Well, uh, four-way if anybody's countin'.
[Duke] He's not showing me any respect.
-No respect. -[Larry] No. Nothin'.
But he's gonna find out this is my town.
You're the Duke and this is your domain. I told you.
-Don't upset him, Larry! -[Larry] Duke don't like that.
[knocking on door]
-Well, hello. -Hello.
I'm Roberta. We met earlier.
You know, I neglected to mention
that as president of the Glad-Handers Welcome Wagon Club
here at Villa Capri Resort Community, | just wanted to say Merry Christmas.
Oh! You know, I could help you fix the place up.
You know, a little Feng Shui.
Oh!
-I got skills. -l'll bet you do.
What you got back here? The dinin' room?
The bedroom. Giddy-up!
[knocking on door]
Hi. I'm Marguerite with the Welcome Wagon Club.
-Are you a Glad-Hander? -[Marguerite] How'd you know?
[giggles]
As secretary-treasurer, I brought a little somethin' to warm up your place.
-A work of art. -My sentiments exactly.
-And thank you. -For what?
Did you just invite me in for a little vino? [giggles]
Red? I love red.
I love white. I love it all.
Well, then how about a lovely Margaux for a lovely Margot? Can I call you that?
You can call me whatever you like.
By the way, lam in villa 52.
And I'm in villa 36. What you gonna call me?
Oh my God! How did you get here before me?
You know that the by—laws of our club clearly state
that the president and not the secretary-treasurer
should be the first Welcomer on the scene.
Okay, well let's just call this an unofficial visit.
-Unofficial? -Why don't we just have a taste
of this delightful vintage?
-[Marguerite] Oh! -[Lily] Don we now our straight apparel.
-Oh, my God! -[Leo] And what office
of Glad-Handers Welcome Wagon Club might you hold?
Sergeant-at-arms.
Flag flying stiff and ready, I bet.
I think this party's just gettin' started.
-Here, why don't I take you to dinner? -[ladies in unison] All of us?
[Lily] Thank you.
-[Leo] Oh, boy. -[Lily] Oh, yes, sir.
[whispering] Look at him. Look at him.
[Duke] He's got all three of 'em?
He's bangin' your entire harem, boss.
Oh my God! Some big, brass huevos he's got!
Is he punkin' you, boss?
He's playin' into my hand is what he's doin'.
[Joey grunts softly] .
He said his golf game is shaky, am I right?
-That's what he said. -[Burt] That's what he said.
Well, gentlemen, who knows this golf course better than me?
-[Larry] Old cowboy's in trouble now. -[Burt] Oh, I feel bad for Leo.
-We'll see. -[Burt chuckles]
[upbeat music playing]
I hereby challenge you to 18 holes of golf tomorrow morning at 9 am. sharp.
[Larry] Cowboy done stepped in it now.
[instrumental "Joy To The World" playing]
[Roberta] We hear that you consider yourself a citizen of the world.
Now exactly what does that mean to you?
It means that l have traveled
from the Cape of Good Hope to the Black Sea,
from Machu Picchu to Brunelleschi's Dome.
l have been to the birthplace of Mr. Shakespeare.
And I have been to the gravesite of Mr. Lombardi.
[Roberta] Oh.
l rose from the dusty fields to the gilded halls of power,
first in the military and then in the business world,
and yet, to this day, I retain my touch to the common man!
For that is who I am.
Oh, Mr. McKay, you are indeed a poet.
I'm not a poet but I have read the great works.
Would you favor us with a poem?
-[Leo grunts] -Pretty please.
Well, why not? Um, Baudelaire?
More modernist, maybe?
Yeats? Williams? Cummings?
Or-- or perhaps something a little more... earthier with a...
-backdrop of Christmas. -[overlapping chatter]
The last one.
May I?
Uh..
"There are strange things done in the midnight sun
By the men who moil for gold;
The Artic trails have their savage tales
That will make your blood run cold;
The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
But the queerest they ever did see
-Was that night on the marge -[dog barking]
of Lake Lebarge l cremated Sam McGee."
-[Suzie] Romeo! Romeo! -"Now Sam McGee was from Tennessee--"
Oh, Romeo! I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, he broke away.
He's a sweetheart but I can never shut him up.
-[shushes] Sit. Be a good dog. -[barking and growling]
[Leo] Sit down. [shushes]
How'd you do that?
I like dogs.
Oh! Yeah?
-|'m Leo McKay. -Oh, Suzie Quince.
-Nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you.
I'm so sorry to interrupt whatever it is you're doing.
That's quite all right.
Okay. Well, carry on.
"On Christmas Day we were mushing our way along the Dawson trail.
Talk of your cold! Through the parkas fold.
It stabbed like a...
it stabbed like a driven nail."
-[laughter] -[overlapping chatter]
[Burt] Sr. Jiménez!
[Joey] Miguel Jimenez! That's it.
Here he comes.
That's it. Loosen up, Dukie.
You got 'em now.
[overlapping chatter]
Good morning! I accept your challenge.
Well, I'm loose as a goose.
Mark Twain said that golf is a good walk spoiled, but I say...
It's a good walk enhanced.
Except that neither one of us is walking, huh?
-[Leo] Details, details, details. -[laughter]
I am a big picture man.
Uh, boss, we got a problem.
-What? -This guy can flat-out play!
He said his game was shaky.
His shaky is better than your shaky.
-Wait-- -Boss.
We watched him warm up this morning.
This guy can flat out hit. I ain't lyin'.
I got a short game.
He's got a short game, too, and a long game.
I assume I have the honors.
[Duke] Uh, yes, you do.
Um, just a word of caution. Out of bounds is to your right.
-[laughter] -That's the way I like it.
It's to the left.
-[shouting] -[overlapping chatter]
[Burt] Oh shit! The guy can hit the ball.
Is that a legal club? I don't think that's a legal club.
-My side bet with you is off. -[overlapping chatter]
We might as well get some new girlfriends.
Thanks for the confidence, fellas. Gee whiz!
Well, you're a thinking man. It's a thinking man's game.
I think I'm gonna hit a three wood out here.
[Joey] Three wood. Good idea.
-Are you sure? -Yeah that'll be good.
Yeah, okay.
[Joey] Let it fly.
-[snake hisses] -[Duke gasps] Oh shit!
[shouting]
[Larry] It's a damn cobra!
-[Joey] Gun! Gun! -l-- l-- I got it! I got it!
-[Larry] Damn! -[Duke] I got it! I got it!
[Larry] You see that?
[shouting]
[Burt] Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Okay, die, viper!
-[Joey] You got him surrounded. -[Larry] Still movin'!
Don't hurt yourself with that thing.
Somebody bring a beer cooler, please.
Somebody put a cap on-- put a top on the bucket.
I never had you figured for a man packin' iron
even if it is a peashooter.
[mumbling] You never know who's lurkin' around.
Take him to the Serpentarium in 29 Palms.
-[woman screams] -[Larry] Look out! Look out!
Sit-- sit on that thing. Sit on it, you're the biggest.
Come on.
Oh! Goddamn!
-Wait! Wait! -[woman screams]
[overlapping chatter]
-You're good. Sit on it now. Sit down. -[Joey] Sit down.
Oh, we're good.
I almost got bit.
I'm not going anwvhere near that golf bag.
[Leo] You bailin' out of our game?
l have trouble swingin' a golf club with a rattlesnake wrapped around it, Leo.
-You're afraid to play me. -|'m not afraid of anything or anyone.
Coward.
[Larry] Doin' a good job, Burt.
-[Roberta] Come on, I need a drink. -[Lily] I think it's happy hour.
-...sit on that thing... Leo, hell am I supposed to do now?
Hell, I don't know. Not my problem.
[woman] Sit on it!
When a man lets another man take care of his golf bag, Jimmy,
he has certain expectations.
You think a snake zipped himself into a pocket in my bag?
Snakes don't have opposable thumbs.
This was not an accident.
Shit!
What took you so long?
Oh, thank you.
| see I'm gonna have to teach you a lesson.
I would love to have another poker lesson
unless you find it easier just to write me a check.
Tell me somethin', did you move to Villa Capri
just to piss me off?
No, that was just a happy by—product.
But this anger is doin' you a lot of good.
It gets the blood circulating throughout your entire body
instead of down there in your little ol'--
You're lucky I have a commitment of a higher calling at home.
You and I... just gettin' started.
I can hardly wait.
Nice fella.
[phone rings]
Tell me he's dead.
[sighs]
|-- |-- I know!
I told you to make it look like an accident,
but a snake in his golf bag?
Sweetie,
murder him the old-fashioned way.
[sighs]
[Roberta on PA] Attention, residents:
The annual tree lighting is about to begin in the banquet hall.
Come enjoy the holiday season, sip some eggnog,
and see everyone's favorite Santa Claus.
[Duke humming "Deck The Halls"]
J‘ Fa-la-la-Ia-Ia, la-la-la-la J‘
J‘ 'Tis the season J‘ J‘ To be jolly fa-la-la... J‘
Hey, uh, whoa, whoa!
Santa, what the hell do you think you're doin'?
-This is myjob. -Oh, no, no, no. It's not.
l was hired by the corporation that owns Villa Capri
and 26 other luxury villages in California.
My party rental company will supply Santas, Easter Bunnies,
fife and drum trios for the Fourth, and all holidays through the year.
| just signed the contract.
Well, ho, ho, ho.
You're tellin' me you're a corporate Santa?
-lt's a gig. -lt's a sacred trust!
Sacred trust to you. 20 bucks an hour to me.
J‘ Deck the halls with boughs of holly J‘
J‘ Fa-la-la-la-Ia... J‘
It's a disgrace.
J‘ 'Tis the season to be jolly J‘
Hello, Palms Springs! Thank you all for comin' out.
Duke's not gonna like this.
-[Burt] Who is this guy? -[Larry] Here comes the freight train.
I got your ho-ho right here.
[crowd exclaims]
[man] Yes!
That ain't the real Santa. I'm the real Santa.
This guy's a fraud, a phony.
-He's a sleazy, corporate heathen! -[al| shouting]
Go, Black Santa!
[all cheering]
[Leo] There ya go! Back to the North Pole!
[overlapping chatter, applause]
What got into you?
I don't like people fucking with Santa Claus.
[cheers, applause]
Arturo.
Here you are, gentlemen.
You, my friend, are a gentleman and a scholar,
and you are indeed here on business.
Whatever that is.
My business is my business,
but your business seems to be sitting in a catbird seat
of one-night stands and Thursday night specials
-and Tuesday nooners. -[chuckles]
Which holds no special satisfaction for me.
What? No Tuesday nooners?
I'm not interested in your girlfriends.
But I could endure the courtship of a soulmate.
Appreciate it, thank you.
Good. Good boy.
In fact, the perfect soulmate for me might very well be Miss Suzie Quince
sitting right there.
You-- you know her name?
I move like the wind.
-You mean you met her already? -At a taco truck.
You liar.
Her dog's name is Romeo.
Romeo?
Well, I think Romeo is precisely what she's looking for tonight.
Santa from the southern hemisphere.
If she falls for a drunk Santa Claus, I've badly misjudged her character.
[whispers] Watch this.
And I'm not drunk.
Hi.
My name is St. Nicholas. You can call me Nick.
Susan.
I was just... I was just doing some Christmas tree lighting and stuff
with some people who needed some joy.
Well, I guess a half-wit Santa who does kind deeds
for lonely people can't do much harm.
[Duke] Then I'll take that as an invitation.
Here we are. Christmas season.
Nobody's home.
Family long gone. Kids far away.
Is there a husband lurking around?
-Hm? -No.
-First one flew the coop. -Ah!
Got married again and I flew the coop.
Lots of coops.
-So, you'll never try it again? -Mm-mm.
I decided my final marriage would be to myjob.
That's kind of sad.
It's focused. It's not sad.
You look... sad.
Well, I've been sent here on business
to fire someone before the year is out
during the Christmas season, so...
Well, if a guy is not up to the task, the quicker you do it, the better, right?
[Suzie] Mm... Yeah.
Season's greetings. Clean out your desk.
That's not so easy.
But at least the music cheers me up.
I love Johnny Mathis. I have all 42 of his albums.
-Really? -All 42.
Johnny is a good friend of mine.
-Come on! -No, really.
You know Johnny Mathis?
We're practically brothers.
You know, your hair shines like the shun.
The "shun"?
You know, big-ass ball that rises in the East,
-sets in the San Bernardino mountains. -Oh, yeah. Okay.
-You know something? -Huh?
-Santa Claus... -Hey.
I think we need to go. Let this young lady
-have some time to herself. -Thank you.
This is Leo.
-Leo is my buddy. -Hello, Leo.
Gentleman and a scholar.
I gotta get you outta here, man. You're drunk.
-I'm not drunk, Leo. -I know.
-Just overserved. -Come on.
-Okay, come on. -I'II see you later.
[whispers] I appreciate the intervention, thank you.
Yeah, good boy.
You know, I ever tell you what a gentleman and a scholar you are?
Yeah, you did. You did.
Get your ass in the truck. [grunts]
[Duke] Watch my knees.
They're old knees.
-[Leo grunts] -Thank you, partner.
[Leo sighing]
-[Duke slurring indistinctly] -Thank you.
[Duke] My friend.
[Leo sighing]
Leo... You are a very mysterious man.
I just play my cards close, that's all.
No, I mean... I mean, I mean you're easy to talk to.
Hm?
And I got a big secret. Ginormous secret.
-You wanna hear it? -No, not really, no.
Seriously, Leo.
-Seriously? -Yeah.
You're not a serious man.
A serious man would not have behaved himself
in front of Miss Suzie Quince the way you did.
What?
[chuckles] You're just jealous because she was so receptive. You--
You are not as charming as you think you are.
Hey...
agree to disagree, babe.
[chucang]
-I need a cup of coffee. -You need a new liver.
[Duke] You should have seen what she was doin' with her eyes.
[Leo] I did. She was looking for an exit.
J‘ Silent night J‘
J‘ Holy night J‘
J‘ All is calm J‘
J‘ All is bright J‘
J‘ ’Round yon virgin... J‘
Duke, you still rule this one side of town.
-[Duke] Yeah. -[Larry] Kick corporate's ass.
Leo's, uh, a pretty good guy.
[Duke] To the status quo.
-The way we've always done things. -[door opens]
-Status quo. -Duke.
-[Duke] What? -Boss is here.
The hell are you talkin' about? I'm the boss.
I mean, the regional director.
Oh, yeah. Send his sorry-ass in.
[dog barks]
[upbeat music playing]
-[growl] -[Suzie] Hello,
I'm Suzie Quince, regional director.
I... thought... I thought you said you were...
sent down here to evaluate somebody's job performance,
maybe fire them before the year was out?
When you're not Santa Claus, are you Duke Diver?
-Probably. -Well, when a man's not up to the task,
it's best to get it over with quick.
[all protesting]
Guys, guys, why don't you go out and practice
your shuffleboard stroke or something?
[grumbles]
There are many, many irregularities.
You're damn right, and I got one I wanna report right now.
Please do.
They sent us a very, very bad Santa Claus. I wanna know who hired him.
I did.
I made a deal
with a national party rental firm to service all our outlets.
-Our outlets? -[Suzie] Yes.
Lady, this is our home.
We have a way of doing things here-- that work.
This isn't your company, Mr. Diver.
-Protocols are not being followed. -[shouting] Protocols?
Everybody's happy here.
Aren't you happy? And happiness is not a condition, lady.
-It's a choice. -No! Okay. Well, you know what?
I don't need your pop psychology, Dr. Phil.
And don't knock Dr. Phil. He's a personal friend of mine.
[laughing] Oh, Johnny Mathis and Dr. Phil.
[laughs mockingly]
[scoffs] You're an unhappy woman.
And you're wrong about me.
Well, happiness can be found in a lot of places
including a fine bar late at night.
Alone?
-Jimmy? -Hm?
Have the bookkeeper gather all records, receipts, contracts,
and have them on my desk in the morning
along with every piece of paper that Duke Diver ever signed.
Uh, you want every single one?
Every single one.
I suppose you want a tour.
Of the entire operation.
[sing-song] Romeo.
-[Romeo growls, barks] -[mouthing] Oh shit!
[Jimmy] I think you're going to be very impressed
with what we have going on here.
[tango music playing]
[Suzie] Oh, tango.
Duke's idea.
[Chinese music playing]
[Suzie] Oh, tai chi.
Also Duke's idea.
Now, I think you're going to be especially impressed with this.
-[Iecturer] This is very important... -This is our regular Thursday class.
Real sex, loving sex,
affectionate, tender, nasty, dirty sex
still must be part of your daily existence.
The older we get, the better it gets.
[applause]
Duke's idea.
Catching on.
In defense of Mr. Diver, this place is always packed.
Last week we had this expert on group sex, and he said that the--
Oh... there's experts on that?
Yes.
And he was very,
very good.
-[barks] -Okay.
I know that you feel like you might have seen enough, but
I promise you this place is absolutely wonderful.
The rocks. You can see the rock formations.
I don't know if you've studied geology,
but I just, I really hope you can come to love it here the way we all do.
I mean, Duke is doing a greatjob.
-If you could just-- -[barks]
[Suzie] It really is beautiful out here.
Leo.
Oh shit! Oh, this is bad.
This is gonna be bad!
[Leo] There was some blue in there.
That's stunning.
Yes, you are.
[chuckles]
So, uh, you rescue damsels in distress, you're a poet, and you paint.
I'm exploring my feminine side.
So, uh, are you friends with Duke Diver? Seems like an odd combination.
Friend is a very strong word.
It's primal.
Yeah. It is.
[Duke] Son of a bitch, what is he up to?
I thought you said you had to uncover enough irregularities
so you could fire me.
Well, I'm still reviewing the books.
Your friend's a painter.
[Duke] Who knew?
[Leo] It's the San Jacinto mountains.
-It's the what? -It's the San Jacinto mountains.
Uaughs]
Bob Hope's house is right here.
I'm not puttin' Bob Hope's house in my picture.
Thought it would make it better, if you'd ask me.
No. Do you see the influence of Cezanne--
...I owe everything to Cézanne.
Oh, I see a little more expressionism than impressionism.
A little bit more Kirchner than Cezanne.
Maybe just a tiny touch of Friedensreich Hundertwasser.
I remind you of Friedrich Hundertwasser?
Hm. I may have to reassess my own work.
I'll assess it: This is shit!
Romeo? Romeo!
-[Romeo growling] -Oh, no, no!
-[coyote howls] -[Romeo whimpers]
[Suzie] Oh, God!
[coyote yelps]
[whimpers]
[Suzie] Romeo!
Thank you.
Oh, Leo, thank you.
Oh, Romeo. Thank you so much.
Hop in the truck and I will take you to the vet.
[Suzie] Oh, Leo!
Mr. Hero.
There. Bob Hope's house.
Looks better. It's not that damn hard.
[Roberta over PA] I have sad news to report to the Villa Capri family today.
Mike Shank in villa 68 had a massive coronary
late last night while I was visiting.
My presence was a total coincidence.
Great, fellas. This is great. This is your finest work.
[Joey] Hey, where you been, boss?
Miss Quince. She wants my neck and Leo's bed.
Well, what you gonna do?
This is war!
Everything I've worked for at Villa Capri, everything I've built is at stake.
And if the corporation takes over,
our very way of life disappears, gentlemen.
Miss Quince is evil.
-She is evil, but she's hot. -What you gonna do, boss?
I'm gonna use my legendary charm, if I may be so humble...
-[Joey] Mm-hm. -And seduce her.
Give her a bit of the old je ne sais quoi.
-[Iaughter] -[Larry] That's Spanish, right?
I'm gonna take the corporate starch outta that woman's knickers.
She deserves it.
And if there's anybody can do it, it's you, Duke.
But first, Leo McKay.
Mm-hm.
I gotta take him down.
-Oh! -Take him down?
[growls]
Tie his hind legs together with a pickin' string
so he doesn't scratch those stitches out.
-Uh, pickin' string? -Yarn. It's soft, a knitting yarn.
Oh, well, thanks. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.
I have to get back and do the company survey.
[chuckles] You take your work seriously and I respect that.
Yeah. Thank you again. I so appreciate it.
Yes, ma'am.
Now what?
Renaissance Man.
[scoffs]
What else do you do?
I'm on a journey of self-discovery and exploration--
Oh, shut up!
[chuckles]
Villa Capri is not big enough for both of us, Leo.
If you wanna do somethin' about that,
I'll beat you the best of five of anything ever invented.
Game room. One hour.
-I'm not getting fired because you... -Make the call.
...forgot to make the call.
No! I don't care if they call you--
-[Suzie] Oh, good! We're all here. -[both] Hey!
Time to sharpen the knives, circle the wagons,
-pull up our bootstraps and buckle down. -Hey.
It's all here, Miss Quince.
Great. Okay.
So, when exactly does Duke get petty cash?
Wh-- whenever he asks for it. |-- I just go and...
Whenever he asks for it?
You know what? This company is not his personal ATM.
Look, Duke is an honorable man.
I'm sure you're not going to find anything that-- whoa!
Hm, my God!
Honorable. What do you call these?
Size 14, lots of fun.
You want to audit those, too?
You know what? I just might.
Miss Quince will never fall for your... transparent... dishonor.
My dishonor, I'll have you know, is not transparent.
[grunts]
-I wonder if he could lift me like that. -Oh, my--
-In my trap. -| counter!
[crowd exclaims]
[grunts]
-This ain't in your wheelhouse, boss. -[shushes]
-[Leo] Don't go there. -What do you mean, "Don't go there"?
-Your mama said don't go there last night! -[Iaughter]
-Checkmate! -[crowd] Oh!
[overlapping chatter]
[ping pong ball tapping]
[crowd] Oh!
[crowd cheers]
igotniigotniigotniigotni
-[Larry] You've got it? -[Joey] You got it?
-[Larry] You got it! You-- -[Joey] Got it!
-[Joey] You don't got it. -[grunts] Take it.
Take it, take it, take it!
The score is tied, Mr. Diver.
Choose your game to finish this.
Limbo!
-[Larry] Limbo! -Wow!
-Oh, we got him! -[whistle trills]
I said stop that!
You first.
[cheers and shouts]
[calypso music playing]
[overlapping chatter]
He can do it, he can do it!
-[bones cracking] -[groans]
This is bullshit!
I'll take that as a pass. [laughs]
Music!
[crowd cheers]
[music continues]
[crowd exclaims]
[crowd cheers]
Disqualification!
His knees touched the ground. I'm starting a protest!
[cheers]
[music stops]
Meet me in your office tomorrow morning at 9 o'clock.
Sharp.
[Elizabeth McQueen, "You, Me and a Christmas Tree" playing]
J‘ You, me and a Christmas tree J‘
J‘ Is all I want this year J‘
J‘ Just me, you and a tree will do J‘
J‘ Oh, just to have you near J‘
J‘ Beneath the twinkling lights J‘
J‘ And shiny colored balls J‘
J‘ We 'll make our holiday delight J‘
J‘ While little pine needles fall J‘
[whooping]
Well, he's late.
That is very unusual.
Duke is very punctual.
Jimmy, Ginger, why don't you guys take the morning off?
Why don't you not and just sit right there.
-This is business. -Oh, come on. A little bit of the bubbly.
Oh, no, that's not appropriate.
Maison de Chocolat... [speaking French]
Come on. Try it.
This... this is about receipts and
and contracts.
Oh, it's nutty and dark.
[chuckles] Maybe I'll take-- I'll take a couple for later.
Thank you.
-Thank you. Thank you very much. -Good, good, good.
-Now, it, it, it all adds up. -Oh, no. It doesn't.
Two thousand dollars for camel rental.
[chuckles]
How do you think the Three Wise Men got to Bethlehem?
What does Palm Springs have to do with Bethlehem?
Bethlehem was just like this.
Palm trees, warm breezes, people walkin' around in shirtsleeves.
Not this snow-covered bullshit dreamed up by Hallmark Cards.
I like the snow.
Would you deprive the residents of Villa Capri of their dromedaries?
Are you a dromedary depriver?
-Okay, forget the camels. -[Duke scoffs]
The Gentlemen's Club. Dancers. Right there. Dancers.
Yeah. Well, they were strippers.
Oh, I knew it!
No, no! No, no, no! They were sweet.
They were-- they were sweet. They made the men feel young and virile.
Even taught the ladies a couple of tricks, and--
-and I can vouch for that. -Ew.
[Suzie] Golf clubs.
Personal. Fourteen hundred dollars.
Probably brought in about a million dollars' worth of business
hosting potential buyers on the golf course.
-Duke". -Hm?
It's the corporation's petty cash.
You are apparently unfamiliar
with US Tax Codes special addendum 44, parts three and seven
which define explicitly those, and I quote,
"reasonable expenses pertaining to a business's ongoing operation."
-Subparagraph 12, "whereas in the--" -[shushes] Stop it!
Okay.
Just... want to know,
are you keeping your heart open for me like I am for you?
Um, Duke? I don't even know who you are.
Actually, I can't even find you in the national corporate database.
Oh, well, basically, if I don't exist, what?
-Does that mean we're finished? -No, we haven't even started.
Okay, okay, okay, okay. Anyway, I-- I gotta go and get ready
-for the big Christmas Eve party. -Wh--wh--
And have I got a surprise for you! [sighs]
I don't want a surprise.
-|'m sure it's very nice. -You shut up!
[big band music playing]
[announcer] And now, ladies and gentlemen,
we invite you to please put your hands together
and give it up for our beloved leader, Duke Diver.
-[applause] -Hello, everybody.
-[Iaughs] -[cheering]
Merry Christmas!
Mer-ry Christmas!
And I'm saying it like that
because this is really a special Christmas today,
and I think this is going to be one you will remember far into your future
which I hope is very long.
[chuckles]
But this Christmas is uh, very special to me because I want to dedicate it.
I want to dedicate it to a very special lady.
Her name is Miss Suzie Quince, wherever she is.
[chuckles] There she is!
Miss Quince, would you mind stepping forward
so we know who you are?
Please, just a couple of steps forward.
Here she is, ladies and gentlemen.
Hi.
On this special day in this special season, Susan,
I'm dedicating this one to you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Johnny Mathis!
[cheers, applause]
-Holy shit! Did you see that? -Atta boy, Dukie!
You did it again!
It's good to see you, my friend. Welcome, welcome.
This is gonna go well.
Okay. Thank you. Hi, guys. All right.
[piano music]
J‘ Sleigh bells ring are ya listenin' J‘
J‘ In the lane snow is glistenin' J‘
J‘ A beautiful sight we’re happy tonight J‘
J‘ Walkin' in a winter wonderland... J‘
I'm walkin', baby.
Does Roberta have a little Beyoncé thing goin' on tonight or am I hammered?
Well, she does, but you are hammered.
Put a ring on it.
Boys...
boys, it's time to make our move.
[mouths] Ms. Marguerite. You and me?
J‘ Then pretend that he is J‘ J‘ Parson Brown J‘
Come on.
J‘ But you can do the job J‘ J‘ When you're in town J‘
I see you.
J‘ Later on we 'II conspire J‘ J‘ As we dream by the ﬁre J‘
J‘ To face unafraid J‘ J‘ The plans that we made J‘
J‘ Walkin' in a winter wonderland J‘
J‘ Over the ground lies a mantle of white J‘
J‘ A heaven of diamonds J‘ J‘ Shine down through the night J‘
Miss Quince, may! have the pleasure of this dance?
Yes, absolutely.
[giggles]
J‘ When it snows J‘
[Suzie] Oh, you're good!
[Leo] Oh, I'm not that good,
-| just try real hard. -[Suzie] Yes you are, you're really good.
I've gotta tell ya, you're light on your feet. [laughs]
J‘ We 'II frolic and play J‘ J‘ The Eskimo way J‘
Excuse me, excuse me. Excuse me, excuse me.
-[Duke clears throat] My turn. -Have some respect for the lady.
-Gentlemen, gentlemen. -There's only one gentleman here.
-Stop the music! -[Suzie gasps]
[microphone feedback]
You makin' a fool of yourself, Duke.
I'm callin' your hand.
[breathless] We're gonna play 18 holes of golf, right?
Winner... [groans]
-Christmas morning. -Bring your A-game.
A-game? [breathless] I'm gonna kick your ass with one hand!
Oh, no.
[murmured conversation]
J‘ Dashing through the snow J‘
J‘ In a one-horse open sleigh J‘
J‘ O'er the ﬁelds we go J‘
J‘ Laughing all the way ha-ha-ha J‘
J‘ Bells on bobtails ring J‘
[chuckles] It's madness. It's all madness.
Leo can play for real.
It doesn't matter. We got your back, boss.
Yeah, even if you're outta bounds, I got the foot mashie going.
And I got a hole in my pocket and a half dozen extra balls.
[laughter]
-And I got a short game. -[Iaughter]
[Joey] We got you rigged to win!
[Burt] Ah, we got you covered.
[Larry] I wouldn't even worry about it.
Cowboy and the playboy.
-I got my money on the playboy. -All right, all right.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this morning's contest will be 18 holes of match play golf
between Mr. Diver and Mr. McKay, according to official USGA rules.
Now, I just wanna say before we begin
that even though there can only be one winner--
Oh, shut up! I think I have the honors here.
-Yep. -[Larry] Oh,
we're starting to kick it now!
[Duke chuckles]
-[all] Oh! -[applause]
[Joey] Son of a bitch!
-[Larry] Holy! -[applause continues]
[Burt] All right, baby!
[Burt] All right, Duke. Have at it.
[Larry] Show us what you got. Come on, let it rip.
Quiet, please!
[Larry] You don't gotta tell me to shut up. Let it rip, boss. Let it rip.
Leo, pay attention. One hand.
-One hand. -Waggling.
[Roberta] Yes.
-[all] Yes! Yes! -[overlapping chatter]
-[applause] -[Larry] Let's go! Let's go!
Ow! That's how you do it!
[Joey] Right down the fairway!
["Deck The Halls" playing]
-Yes! -Uh-huh.
-[Burt] Yeah! Yeah! -[Joey] Feelin' it!
[Joey] No, no problem. I got this, I got this.
[applause]
Yes, Duke!
[Jimmy] Settle.
-[Larry] Damn, smoother... -[Burt] Oh, good break!
[music continues]
That ball is out of bounds.
-Huh? -Out of bounds.
Lucky bounce. Must have hit a tree.
-[chuckles] -[applause]
[Joey] Oh!
[Larry] Yeah, great shot, great shot, chief!
[Burt] All right, Duke, have at it!
-[Larry] Oh, boy. -[Burt] You're lookin' real good.
Oh, cowboy, what you gonna do now, cowboy?
All right. This is bullshit.
-What you talkin' about? -lt's bullshit.
Are you accusing me of conduct unbecoming a man of my reputation?
I am accusing you of conduct consistent with a man of your reputation.
You been cheatin' all day long.
And if I'm keepin' the score correctly,
you will have to hole that ball on that green to beat me.
Okay.
[Joey] You got this shot.
[Duke] Watch this.
Tell you what, why don't we, uh,
run up here right quick and read the green.
-[Joey] Great thinking. -Not so fast.
I don't trust you and I never will.
[Larry] Ah, we plum-bobbing that!
I'm keepin' my eye on you, man, just like a hawk.
-God damn! -[screams]
Oh shit! Oh shit!
-[Leo] Everybody all right? -[Duke] Shit!
They found me! They found me!
-[Leo] Everyone's okay. -[Jimmy] Are you okay?
-[screams] -[Leo] Stay calm. Stay calm.
We'll have the EMS here in a minute.
[Larry] Holy shit!
Probablyjust a gasoline leak.
It's an electric cart!
[Burt] Where's my hat? Where's my hat?
[Larry] Where you goin'?
[upbeat music playing]
[exhales]
[knock on door]
You want a taste?
[Leo] It's Leo, and I don't want a taste. Open up.
Leo?
You forfeit. I win the golf match.
You can have the damn golf match.
Somebody wants me dead!
Who wants you dead? Who are you?
lt-- it's, a...
So, I'm the trophy for a golf match.
I mean, it's not the first time men have fought over me.
Which one of you children is winning?
No, no, no. We-- we-- we're not fighting over you.
That would be sexist and outrageous.
No, we're fighting over the right to court you.
There's a difference?
These are fine distinctions that men make.
Yeah, yeah, we... you misunderstood.
We honor, praise and glorify you.
No criminal intent on Duke's part,
it's just Duke being Duke.
Thank you, Leo.
Do you men hear yourselves?
-No. - Sh-- should we?
Excuse me. I trust I've made my point.
Oh, by the way, did you hear a loud boom a few minutes ago?
-Uh-uh. -No,no.
[Leo] You?
Corporate's up my ass and you're both lying to me.
You better report this to the county sheriff.
Oh, no, no. No, Leo, I beg you.
Don't take this to the law.
Leo. Leo! Leo, where you going?
Leo, it's not safe for me around here anymore.
-You've got to get me the hell outta here. -Why would I do that for you?
Because you don't want bloody chunks of me
raining all over Villa Capri!
All right, I'll get you outta here but on one condition.
You tell me everything. No more bullshit.
Now, why would I bullshit you, Leo?
Okay. Bloody chunks it is.
Uh, okay, okay. Okay. No-- no more bullshit.
You blew up a golf cart?
And he wasn't in it?
[sighs]
No, it is not your fault.
Your-- your-- your father never let you murder anyone.
No, he-- he always said that you did the best digging.
But sweetheart,
how many men did you bury from snakebites and bombs?
Zero!
They all died from bullet holes!
So go get some bullets, and do it like your father used to do it!
[upbeat music playing]
Who the hell are you?
My real name is William J. DuPrees.
I was known for many years as Sweet Willy.
I was chief counsel for the Bruno family.
Mob.
Until I learned that they weren't really in the trucking business.
And then Feds came around and offered me a choice.
-And? -I rolled over like a trained show dog.
The problem was there was this crazy wife and a crazier son, even,
who threatened to kill me at the trial.
And then when the brakes went out on my car a week later,
around came the Feds again...
And you went into witness protection.
And turned it into an art form, if I may say so myself.
Did you ever change your appearance?
And mess with this?
I don't think so.
The Feds will take care of you.
-Yeah! They'll relocate me. -So what?
So, I don't want to be relocated!
I got it made at the Villa Capri.
Everything a man could want is there!
It is my vision that made it what it is today.
Sex, booze, golf... and then you die.
Heaven's gonna be a disappointment to you, man.
Come on, Leo. Help me save what I've built.
[gunshots]
-Shit! -[Leo] Nobody messes with my truck!
Shot my truck!
Oh, hell! He's tryin' to kill me and you're worried about a truck?
Hang on.
[dramatic music playing]
Shit! Shit!
-Shit! -[grunts]
Let's just regroup and-- and-- and make a plan.
I'm gonna cut the sumbitch off.
-[Duke] This is a really bad idea, Leo. -Watch this.
[truck sputters]
[Duke] Nice work, Leo. Glad I didn't blink.
-[engine hissing] -[Leo muttering] Damn it.
This is my brand-new, F-150, 4x4,
ruby red, extended cab, custom bedliner truck!
I guess we're going to have to inform Miss Quince of these developments.
Yeah. Her job's at stake.
[mellow music playing]
You got a special feelin' for her, don't you?
From the moment I first saw her,
there was something about Miss Suzie Quince
that got the hair on the back of my neck standing up.
[chuckles]
Nothin' finer.
In the whole wide world than a good woman.
I dig the female species...
Smells sweeter than a honeysuckle.
Smarter than hell, firm as a biscuit.
Firm as a biscuit?
Biscuit, fresh out of the oven.
Oh, yeah. Butter melting. [chuckles]
-You see my point. -Ah, yes, indeed.
The sun, the moon, and the stars, Leo. That's what a good woman is to me.
J‘ Hark the herald angels sing J‘ J‘ Glory to the newborn king J‘
J‘ Peace on Earth and mercy mild J‘ J‘ God and sinners reconciled J‘
Go on.
What goes next?
[laughter]
[both] With.
What is it? With...
Romantic joy proclaim?
Proclaim.
J‘ Christ was born in Bethlehem J‘
J‘ Hark! the herald angels sing J‘
J‘ Glory to the newborn king J‘
You had a rifle and a scope and you missed him?
[sighs] Oh, Oscar, just stop trying to kill him.
Just bring him to me and I'll do it.
[scoffs, continues indistinctly]
[sighs]
Why am I not surprised you're in witness protection
and somebody's trying to kill you?
-Yep, that's him. Yeah. -The animal guy, right there.
Sheep. Camels. Did they have a snake? Probably.
I thought he looked vaguely familiar.
Now I recognize him.
That's Oscar Bruno, one of the mob boss's sons.
[Suzie] He could have just knocked on your door and shot you.
Surveillance cameras. He didn't wanna be ID'd.
No. He figured he could just come and go with the animals.
Leo wants to turn me over to the Feds.
Oh, God! No, please.
Tell the police, and suddenly the Villa Capri is crawling with cops!
I mean, can't you just, like, track him down?
He's a bad guy. Just...
you know, snuff him out like way off the radar.
I don't snuff people out, off or on the radar.
[Suzie quietly] Oh, God. I know.
[sighs]
Okay, guys, look, I-- I have a confession.
The last couple times corporate sent me to fix a problem,
something crazy happened. Things got worse.
I'm starting to like this place, but I'm on a short leash here.
If this gets public, it could cost me myjob.
Please... Leo...
And, he shot your damn truck.
-[Leo] Hmm. -He shot your truck?
You're both right. We're goin' after this guy.
Yes!
[upbeat music playing]
What the hell is this about?
He knows my new truck, but he doesn't know this shitty van.
That's clever.
I think you and I could become cherished friends, Leo.
Shutup.
[music continues]
[rattling]
[donkey braying]
Fit perfect in a golf bag.
Can I help you guys?
-Can they get out? -Yep, every now and then.
You might wanna think about a deeper trough.
Deeper trough. Yeah, good thinkin'.
Duke, what brings you out here?
Were, uh, lookin' for a guy.
Oscar. Strange fella.
Where is he now?
He quit yesterday.
Said he had found what he was lookin' for and walked out.
Leave an address?
He lived in a motel, I think.
-Motel... -You got any idea which motel?
-Made it sound like the French Quarter. -French Quarter?
-Something like that. -Got it.
Manager says he's still livin' here.
Unit 15.
So when he shows up, we jump him,
we hand him over to the Feds,
and he goes up the river forever, right?
-No, no. We don'tjump him. -What do you mean?
I do.
-So just relax. -Yeah, okay...
Sixth grade was traumatic.
I ran for class president.
Lost.
[chuckles] I got one vote... my own.
In high school, I tried bribing my classmates, but...
Crushed again.
Yeah.
Witness protection turned my life around.
You got a fresh start on the back nine of life.
Reinvented myself.
Was goin' pretty good, if you ask me.
You like me a little, yes?
You need to be liked?
It may sound pathetic but, [sighs]
I love to be adored.
You need therapy.
Never worked before.
Not until now with you.
Good. You're cured.
[chuckles]
We should rotate naps in case it turns into an all-nighter.
Yeah. Well, I'm wide awake if you wanna take the first one.
I could nod off pretty quick.
Well...
Wake me in one hour or if anybody shows up.
-Would you like a song to help you sleep? -No.
J‘ Silent night J‘
J‘ Holy night J‘
I like that one.
J‘ A]! is calm J‘
J‘ All is bright J‘
[snonng]
[chuckles]
[breathes deeply]
[mellow music playing]
[music continues]
-Wake up, Sherlock. -Hm?
[Leo] You were supposed to wake me up.
Sorry.
That song always leaves me out.
Can I help you?
Yeah, the guy in room 15, what do you know about him?
A very nice man. Very polite.
Bullshit.
There is one thing. He... loves naked ladies.
I saw him at last week's Sunday brunch at Rudy's.
They have a Sunday brunch at a titty bar?
You gotta try the Belgian waffles there.
Okay. All right. Go do your business. Go on, Romeo.
-That's a good boy! Good boy! -[Jimmy] Hey, Suzie?
Suzie?
-Yeah? -It's corporate for you.
It's corporate?
Suzie Quince.
Yes!
No, no, no...
|-- I'm getting a handle on things.
A firm grasp.
[Romeo barking]
[Swamp Dogg, "Silent Night" playing]
J‘ Holy night J‘
No. I-- there are protocols. I'm following the protocols.
I'm a-- I'm a walking protocol.
[barks]
-[camel grunting] -[sheep bleating]
But people just seem to be so happy here,
and happiness is not a condition. It's a choice.
-[barks] -[camels grunt]
Things are not out of control at the Villa Capri.
It is magnificent here.
[sheep bleating]
[barking]
No, no, no! Stop! Come back!
Terminate me? You can't terminate me!
Come back with the nativity!
[man] No, wait! Stop, get back in there!
[Joey] Larry, get the camel!
You know what?
-[cal| disconnects] -He|lo?
[barking]
Romeo?
Oh, Romeo?
Oh, my God! Romeo. [yelling] Romeo!
Oh, no, no, no, no!
-Hey! [shushes] -[muffled] Oh! Oh!
-I got you! -[struggling]
You know, this isn't a very efficient plan.
You shut up!
You shut up! I'm having a worse day than you are.
You know, if I were to ever kidnap someone for ransom,
I would have it more worked out, more organized.
I mean, there would be some nice kibble,
and perhaps a chew toy.
-|'m going to tell you why. -Chew toy?
Oh God! It's amateur hour around here.
-We|l, I'm sorry. -[Romeo whimpers]
All right, all right. Enough about me.
I'm sure even a tough guy like you
has some insecurities you'd like to talk about.
No.
Come on. You'll feel better.
Shut up! I feel fine.
-[Duke] They've got a nice gift shop. -Hey!
Really sweet.
[Tony] Hey, there's the big dog!
-[Duke] Hey. -Hey, what's up?
-We're lookin' for somebody. -Yeah?
-Recognize this guy? -Doesn't look familiar, but, uh, you know,
-a thousand other guys like that-- -[explosion]
Your animal guy is not very good at blowin' you up,
but he's gonna keep tryin'. Maybe he'll get it right next time.
-Hey, hey, hey! -|s that your car?
-Yeah. -Give me the keys.
-My new wheels? No! -I need your keys.
-Who do you think you are? -Give me the keys!
Shit!
[upbeat country music playing]
[tires screech]
-[laughs] This is thrilling. -Thank you.
-There he is. -Yep.
Goddamn, Leo!
Two old dinosaurs. Like us, huh, Leo?
-You think that's funny? -Nope.
Hang on.
Oh shit! Oh shit!
I have a confession to make.
Well, for heaven's sake, man, let 'er rip.
I came here to buy the Villa Capri.
I thought you only bought big stuff.
That property is worth 50 million dollars.
Fifty... and Suzie's worried about petty cash?
She's just doin' herjob-- Hang on!
Oh shit!
[Leo] First, I was gonna bulldoze the Villa Capri
and put in a western Mall of America.
Oh my God! That's sacrilege.
Don't worry. I changed my mind. I'm startin' to like that place.
[dramatic music continues]
So, I mean, if it's worth all that
and it's partly because of me,
I think I should get a piece of the pie.
How much do you want?
Uh, eh, ten percent?
Suppose I let you keep your fancy golf cart?
Wait a minute— They blew that thing up.
And you're welcome to have a piece of it.
Looks like Oscar is through playing around.
-Uh-oh! -[sighs] This looks like a dead end.
Yeah. Road don't go anywhere.
Maybe we can box him in.
Well, it might be a trap.
So what?
They're after your ass, not mine.
[Duke] That's not Oscar.
Well, let's go see who the hell it is.
-[Duke] You know what you're doin'? -[Leo] Generally.
-[Leo] Stop right there! {gunshoﬂ
No, no, no, no! Don't shoot, don't shoot.
Who are you?
Listen, some lunatic gave me $500 to torch your van
and to lead you down here.
Here?
Yeah.
[phone rings]
Answer the phone.
Hello?
It's for you.
Leo McKay.
[Oscar] Look up.
You’re lookin' for me?
What do you want?
[Oscar] I got your girl.
I wanna trade her for Duke.
-That'll work. -W hat?
No, Leo. He'll shoot me in the head.
Yeah, well, there is that.
What do you want us to do?
I want you to sit tight and I'll send you coordinates of where we'll meet up.
Leo?
You're not really gonna trade me for her, are you?
She's a lot prettier and I'd really like to make the trade,
but my essential sense of human dignity and decency
will not permit it.
However, we need him to think I will.
Aw, [sighs] I sure am glad you're you.
[chuckles]
-[man] Hey, can I put my hands down now? -[Leo] Shut up.
[phone rings]
Where?
Utah Trail toward 29 Palms.
Turn off at the old water tower.
You know where that is?
Not a clue.
How the hell are we supposed to find that?
Waze.
God!
What the hell is that?
It's an app. You can download it.
Really?
[automated Waze voice] Let's get started. Drive safe.
I have another confession to make.
Let 'er rip.
I was married for 33 years...
to the first woman I ever fell for.
She died about six years ago,
and it put me off my game.
After three or four years, I felt I should see other women,
but it didn't feel right.
You wanna tell Duke about it?
There's something about Miss Quince that just shook me out of my malaise.
She's gorgeous, of course, but she's--
There's nothin' frivolous about her.
She's a woman of... substance and gravitas.
Gravitas.
[chuckles]
Put me down, you jackass!
Where's my dog? [yelling] Romeo!
Where's my dog?
Now doesn't all this sharing make you feel better, huh?
I could fall in love with her.
[clicks tongue]
[upbeat music playing]
[automated Waze voice] In 0.1 mile keep left.
You know, you're always the hero.
I think I'd like to be heroic sometime.
How heroic do you wanna be?
Hm?
Um...
Well...
Uh, you know, just... [chuckles]
Moderately. Just enough.
You wanna keep your braggin' rights to the women.
[chuckles]
You know me well. Yeah, huh?
You think that's an honorable reason to wanna be heroic?
I do.
[whispers] I got a plan.
You know, you remind me of my mother.
-[chuckles] That's so sweet. -[Oscar] Yeah. All right.
All right.
[suspenseful music playing]
This is where it begins.
[Leo yelling] You all right in there, Suzie?
-[Suzie] Leo, I'm okay. -I am not armed.
I am here to give you what you want.
And to take what I want.
[Oscar] Hey, stand right there!
What you got under that hat?
A little hair.
[Oscar] Ha! You send me Willy.
[Leo] We can work this out to everybody's satisfaction.
Why don't you put the gun down and we'll talk.
[music continues]
[gunshots]
Give me Duke!
Damn! You shot my truck and now you're tryin' to shoot my boots!
You give me Duke or Willy or whatever he calls himself. Now!
[Leo] You can have him. I never liked him anyway.
[gun clicks]
Oh.
Ha!
[Suzie gasps]
[Oscar] Oh! That hurts!
He shot me! [groans]
[light-hearted music playing]
-[Oscar grunts] -Bye-bye.
Christmases seem to blur together.
You know? This one stands out.
It's startin' to feel special.
[Romeo growls]
[Leo] We're gonna have to call the sheriff now.
[Suzie] I don't know about you guys, but I sure could use a cocktail.
Here, here.
[music continues]
I'm starting to understand the affection you have for this place,
whoever you are.
To you, Sweet Willy.
You did a brave thing today. I didn't think you had it in you.
-And you saved the day, cousin. -I ain't your cousin.
Well, but you like me a little, huh?
-A little. -[Iaughs]
There goes Rudolph.
-[Leo] And there goes Snoopy. -[growls, barks]
Adios, Snoopy.
[overlapping chatter]
Hey! It's New Year's in New York. Happy New Year, everybody!
Earlier to bed?
Uh, with any luck, maybe two balls will drop tonight.
-[Iaughter] -Girl, you are delusional.
Hey, I've never seen you guys lookin' so sharp.
-Or you so beautiful. -To the ladies and ladies.
Arturo, Miss Quince, I think you know my cronies and their lovely ladies.
-Of course I do. Happy New Year. -Happy New Year.
[all] Happy New Year.
[Larry] Happy New Year!
I think it's about midnight in Times Square.
[Larry] Oh, yeah!
[toots horn]
Nine o'clock in California is good enough for me.
At the end of the day, I have to admit, I have a soft spot for Duke.
Wherever they're relocating him, do you think he's going to be okay?
My dear, the Duke will always be okay.
[Suzie] Yeah.
Strike up the band, boys.
J‘ May old acquaintance be forgot J‘
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen of the
Tropical Resort Retirement Community,
say hello to your new resident manager,
Mr. Marvel Bigelow.
Music!
[cheenng]
[calypso music playing]
[song ends]
[Susan Werner, "Don't Forget to Remember Christmas" playing]
J‘ Christmas J‘
J‘ Is a very special time of the year J‘
J‘ It's a precious time J‘ J‘ And I'm waiting here J‘
J‘ Can 't wait to get close to you J‘
J‘ Christmas J‘
J‘ Is a house adorned J‘ J‘ With tinsel and lights J‘
J‘ It's a cozy ﬁre and long quiet night J‘
J‘ That let me get close to you J‘
J‘ No one else, dear, will do J‘
J‘ Darling you, only you J‘
J‘ Make my holiday list J‘
J‘ I can't wait till we've kissed J‘
J‘ And then everything that follows J‘
J‘ Makes my year every December J‘
J‘ Don 't forget to remember J‘
J‘ That Christmas J‘
J‘ ls two lovers strolling home J‘ J‘ In the snow J‘
J‘ And then warming up J‘ J‘ The best way they know J‘
J‘ Oh, let me get close to you J‘
J‘ ’Cause you’re all I want for Christmas J‘
J‘ And Christmas is here J‘
[song ends]
["Deck The Halls" playing]
[song ends]
[mellow music playing]
[music ends]