What's up, Marlennials? Welcome to "The Marlon Way."
[This one's] for the people with kids.
I'm talking moms, dads,
and any dude that got a text from a girl talking about,
"Mm... I'm late."
It's very important that you foster your children's dreams.
If Michael Jordan's parents didn't give him a basketball,
he'd just be some tall dude named Mike
wearing Air Pippens, walking around the office
with his tongue hanging out his mouth.
So what I'm saying is, kids' dreams are important.
And, fellas, if you don't wanna get "the late text,"
you gotta wear the latex.
You like my wordplay, bitches?
Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
Oh, it looks bad. Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Oh! He could go all the way!
Oh!
Touchdown! Oh, game over.
Oh, you are having a terrible day.
You are losing in "Madden" and in life. Oh.
These controllers are too complicated.
I miss ColecoVision.
No, they're not. I told you. Listen.
The triangle makes them jump.
The circle makes them spin.
And the X makes them kneel during the national anthem.
Ah.
Dad, guess what happened at the mall.
You saw them change the clothes on a hot mannequin.
No, it's not Thursday yet.
Um, actually, some woman
who said that she was from Game Swag Athletic Gear
asked Zack if he'd be interested in doing
a kids' photo shoot.
It was only a matter of time, Dad.
I mean, look at this face.
Yeah, I know it all too well, son.
I was worried for a second.
Boy, it was going through that awkward phase, you know?
Teeth was big. Your feet was big.
You looked like a saber-toothed rabbit.
But now look at you, coming back
out that tunnel. I could claim you again.
Yeah.
Hey, congratulations, man.
Hey, my son's about to be famous like his daddy.
Nah,
he wants to be for-real famous...
Not "YouTuber who once got recognized
at a Chipotle" famous like you.
You wasn't complaining when you had your snout
all in the free guacamole.
Marley, I'm gonna be a famous model.
Now, be a doll and bring me a ginger ale.
Okay, hold up. We haven't agreed to anything.
I just told you that your dad and I would talk about it.
Great idea. You two talk.
Marley! Ginger ale!
Coming right up!
All right, girl, let's talk about it.
You and I made a beautiful boy, and it's time we get paid.
Nine years of private school, one A?
I say we cut our losses.
This is a bad investment, okay?
He's the Bitcoin of kids.
Okay, Marlon,
we don't even know if this Gail Newman is legit.
She's right. People ask you to model,
and next thing you know, you're at a studio apartment
in the Valley, crawling around in your bra and panties
like a damn leopard.
Turns out, he don't even know Ving Rhames.
Fool me twice.
Actually, according to my LinkedIn,
Gail Newman is, in fact, a marketing exec
at Game Swag, Inc. Sounds legit to me.
You being on LinkedIn is like Stevie Wonder being on Waze.
Okay, legit or not,
I don't know how I feel about this.
I'm not crazy about our son
being in the entertainment industry.
Ashley, opportunity is knocking,
and when opportunity knocks, you gotta open the door.
You gotta be like, "What's up, opportunity?
"Come on in, opportunity.
Can I get you something, maybe some brown liquor?"
You know, I gotta agree with Marlon.
When I was 12, I was poised to crush
the national spelling bee, until Nana withdrew me
because of the rampant Adderall addiction amongst contestants.
I was devastated.
"Devastated."
D-E-V...
And now you jobless.
"Jobless." J-O-B...
Look, Ash, when I was Zack's age,
I got the lead role in "The Nutcracker,"
and my father... he wasn't feeling me wearing tights.
He was like, "Boy, are you a sugarplum fairy?"
I said, "No." He said, "Then why you
showing the world your sugarplums?"
I could've been the real Black Swan.
Marlon, we don't know anything
about the modeling industry.
Ashley, I'm gonna look out for our son, all right?
All right, well, promise me that you will keep him safe.
Girl, protecting Zack is my number one priority
as his father and as his manager.
Good, 'cause I don't want my baby in a Valley apartment
crawling around like a damn leopard.
No, you do not.
- Dad, this is so cool! - That's right, man.
We about to make your dreams come true, baby.
All right, so let's roll through the poses.
All right, give me... give me... give me "Thinking Man."
Uh-huh, a'ight. Give me "Jailhouse."
Give me "I just got released."
Give me, uh... oh, "my daddy just left."
"But he came back."
Very good, son. You're a natural.
You're just like Dad. - Hey, Zack.
- Great to see you again. - Good to see you too.
- And you must be... - I am Marlon.
I am Zack's manager and the one responsible
for those Cherokee cheekbones.
Oh, this is Hank Hoffstetter. He's the CEO of Game Swag.
- Hey. - Nice to meet you, fellas.
What's up, Hank? How you doing, baby?
You good? - Oh, my!
- How you doing, man? - Fine, thank you.
- Good to meet you. - Good to meet you.
I like your swag, man.
That suit with the worn-out Chucks that says, like,
"I got mad cash, but I'm grounded."
Well, my cash is mad.
Your shoes are pretty sharp too.
Your cash has gotta be just a little ticked off.
I got a $10 bill in my pocket
that's ready to slap the hell outta somebody.
Mr. Hoffstetter,
- they're ready for you upstairs. - Oh, all right, Marlon.
- Pleasure meeting you. - Hey, pleasure.
- Come here. There you go. - Hey... oh! Here we go!
Hey, man, it was really nice meeting you.
- Nice meeting you too. - No doubt. We do this again?
- Blessings, man. No doubt. - Thank you very much.
All right, boy. No doubt.
Good to meet you. Oh, boy.
So, uh, Gail, who's, uh...
who's the pretty kid that look like he about
- to fight his stepdaddy? - That is Kevin.
He is the face of this year's line.
Zack, you're gonna be one of the models behind him.
Cool. Man,
I wanna be that kid one day.
Well, you know what, son?
Today might be your opportunity.
Here's what I want you to do. I want you to go back there,
and I want you to out-Kevin Kevin.
You got me? Run through your poses.
So, uh, Gail,
you know, as a talent manager,
I pride myself on the ability to spot talent.
And, uh, you know, I just don't know if the
face of Game Swag should be such a...
you know, a pretty boy.
Pardon me. I couldn't help but overhearing
your comments about that model.
See, I minored in behavioral psychology, and most people
find symmetrical jawlines off-putting.
- They do? - Mm.
Now, that kid?
The odd asymmetrical one who's trying too hard?
That's the kid I'd put front and center.
But Kevin is in demand.
He just came off a very successful Gucci campaign.
You see? Kevin is Gucci.
You know, Zack is more like a old worn-out pair of Chucks.
You know, I'm surprised that a everyman like Hank
would like a pretty boy like Kevin.
But I don't know. I mean, it's your job.
I mean, you know better than me, you know.
You probably been here a couple of years, you know.
- Four months, actually. - Ooh.
Wouldn't hurt to give him some options.
Hold the work!
I'd like to get a couple shots of Zack wearing the hoodie.
Good looking out.
Wasn't easy dissing Kevin.
That kid's the best male model I've ever seen.
Kid's really got it.
I got it... hot off the presses...
the advance proof of Zack's Game Swag ad.
Okay, wait, wait, wait, Stevie.
I just wanna say I'm so proud of my baby boy.
But... but let's not forget,
if it wasn't for a certain somebody,
your baby boy would've been
a out-of-focus blob behind Kevin.
So can I get some love or what?
Ooh, those are hate claps. Give me some of this. Come on.
Yeah, there we go.
Use a pentameter. Yes, okay, thank you.
I still feel bad about Kevin.
That kid's really got it.
Drumroll, please.
This is what happens when opportunity knocks
and you answer the door.
Behold.
Aww, hell naw!
Yo!
I'm a funky monkey!
I need a picture to send to all my friends.
No!
You right. You right.
Let them see it on the billboards.
Well, um,
I'm going upstairs to Google how to change my last name.
What have they done to my baby boy?
They made him a funky monkey.
Good job, Mr. Manager.
He could've been a blob in the background,
but you got him up front in a monkey shirt.
Ashley, the shirt didn't say monkey.
It was as blank as Stevie's résumé.
You know, for a piece of racist propaganda,
it really does capture Zack's charisma.
Marlon, you said that this was your lane.
You let him do a racist photo shoot?
I didn't know it was racist.
There was no hoods or tiki torches
or German shepherds around.
Marlon, when you spoke to the CEO,
did he say anything... cracker-y?
No, I mean, he was cool.
It was black guy, white guy. We were different but the same.
It was like a '80s buddy cop movie.
Well, your buddy turned your son into a funky monkey.
You got about one more "funky monkey,"
and then we gonna start moving some furniture up in here.
You're right. You're right.
Ashley, I don't know what happened.
Somebody messed up down there.
So you're telling me that a billion-dollar company
and an ad this offensive that had to go through
a dozen departments... this is just some sort of oversight?
No, I mean, you act like it's me.
I ain't the company. Shoot.
What I was saying was that me and Hank were cool.
Like, let me go down there
and talk to him and straighten things out
before we crush our son's dreams?
Fine, but I'm going with you.
'Cause the last time that I left you in charge,
- they turned our son into... - A funky...
Bitch.
Marlon, bring your ass.
Look here, Henry. I need to talk to you.
And you know I'm upset 'cause I used your government name.
Marlon, my man. Check out my new Chucks.
That's your boy, huh?
Look here, Hank. Now, my first instinct
was to come in here and wild out.
Like, I was gonna take a trash can and just
throw it through your front window.
Yeah, I was about to riot, loot,
steal things that made no sense, like this coffee cup.
I don't even drink coffee.
And my baby mama... she wanted me to flip the table.
Still do.
But you know what? I told her,
"Naw, baby, chill,
"'cause me and Hank... we cool.
"I'ma give him a chance to explain to me
"how somebody in his office
messed up and put my son in this ad."
Nobody messed up. You said yourself...
Zack is an everyman.
So...
it didn't occur to you that this ad is racist?
Racist?
Oh, no, hold on, now.
Game Swag is committed to diversity.
We respect all cultures, ethnicities, and races.
Are you reading that?
If that's true, Hank,
then how is it that a black child ended up
with the shirt that said "monkey" on it?
Yes. Explain to me
how the hell a boardroom full of...
Oh.
White people.
Now it all makes sense.
You ain't got no diversity.
I mean, you got diversity in your whiteness.
I mean, look, you got old white,
young white, off white, white-white.
You so white, you damn near clear.
But you ain't got no black people in here.
Have a sister at your table.
The sister wouldn't even have said nothing.
She would've just gave you a, "Mm."
And then a...
And you would've took that down.
You could've asked the janitor. He would've been mopping.
Be like, "Hey, what you think of this, Clarencey boy?"
"Well, uh, I like the shirt, you know.
"I like the fall colors.
"You know, that look good on black skin, but, uh,
"'funky monkey'? Aww, hell naw.
"Man, you lucky I need this job,
"or I'd take this mop and shove it up y'all ass.
"Now if you'll excuse me,
gotta get my time and a half."
Oh, no, no, our research department
used an algorithm to come up with the concept.
Monkeys are the highest-testing animal amongst kids.
And "funky" rhymes with "monkey."
It was a no-brainer. - Oh.
It's an algorithm, Marlon.
I don't know what we were worried about.
I know. We're tripping. It's a algorithm.
So why don't we take a big, buff black guy,
we put him in a little shirt, and we write
"Hunky Monkey"?
Or we take a big, fat black kid,
we put him in a T-shirt, and we call it
"Chunky Monkey"?
Or, better yet, we go get a sister
with a big old booty... just a big old ass...
and we call her "Badonky Monkey."
Should we be writing these down?
No! You should not be writing these down, okay?
These are offensive and racist.
Oh, my God, it's not just black people.
What are you gonna do, take a Chinese kid,
put him in a T-shirt that says "Mellow Yellow"?
Or we take a Mexican kid and we got him in a hoodie that says
"Coolest Bean in the Burrito"?
Or you could take a Jewish kid with a yarmulke,
put it to the side, and he has a T-shirt that says
"Challah."
No, but, Marlon,
I understand you're bothered by this.
I think it's great, and this is my company.
I'm gonna do what I want.
Oh, you gonna do...
you gonna do...
Ooh, ooh, I wanna hit you,
but I know one of these people are lawyers.
Agh!
Oh, Ash, it just got real.
Girl, we have been bamboozled.
- Mm-hmm. - Hoodwinked!
- Yup. - Led astray.
Yes. Flip the table, baby. Flip it.
Ooh.
You know, I wanted to believe that this world
was a better place, but I see it's not.
And so now I got to go HAM.
I'm about to get ignant. I'm about to go cray-cray.
I'm about to turn up.
I'm about to do 20 other slang terms
that represent black anger.
Ho!
You in trouble now!
Come on, Marlon.
Come on. Lift with your legs.
Ooh! Okay, hold on. Give me a second.
Ready, eh? Ooh.
Is it up?
- No. - Okay, I gotta think...
think crazy...
Zack and Marley are drowning.
And you too.
I can't save you. Y'all are dying.
Is this thing bolted to the floor?
I think it's just really heavy.
Okay, you know what?
You're lucky. I reconsidered.
I'm not gonna flip the table over,
but you are gonna kill that ad.
It's not gonna happen, pal.
Okay, then you're gonna... you're gonna take my damn son
off that ad. I'll tell you that much.
Marlon, you signed a contract.
You can't do anything here except leave,
or I'll call security.
Hello, security?
You better get up here, 'cause there's a black woman
about two seconds away from kicking Hank's ass.
No, no, no, no, Ash. Leave him,
'cause I got my own algorithm.
See, if you run my son in this ad,
I have 12 million followers on social media.
Now, I want you to add that to the sum of their followers,
and then I want you to divide that by the square root
of every black person that went to see "Black Panther"
opening weekend worldwide.
And you multiply that by the fire and fury
of Black Twitter, and you know what that equals?
Um, is it a national dialogue
that'll take down the entire Game Swag empire?
Mm. #GameOverGameSwag.
What is Black Twitter?
I just Googled it, sir.
Oh. Wow.
Um, fine.
We'll remove Zack from the ad.
Yeah, you damn right you will.
Let's go, Marlon.
We gotta go break our son's heart.
You lucky I didn't flip this table.
Dad, my phone's been blowing up,
and two of them are girls.
Yeah, they wanna know when his ad is gonna drop.
Yeah, we gotta talk to you about that, son.
Sweetheart, we have some bad news.
Sit.
Mommy and I had to pull your Game Swag ad.
You... what did you do?
Boy, you better take that bass out your voice.
Honey, having a black child
with a shirt that says "monkey" on it is wrong.
- Why? - Zack,
"monkey" is a name that racists use to degrade black people,
to equate us with animals.
Mm.
See, now, that baby reads.
But I already told all my friends I was gonna be famous.
Okay, and that's cool, son,
but what do you wanna be famous for?
I mean, do you wanna be a hero or a sellout?
I mean, do you wanna be Dr. Martin Luther King
or Dr. Ben Carson?
Do you wanna be Rosa Parks
or Omarosa?
Do you wanna be Mrs. Dash
or Stacey Dash?
Yeah, I don't know where I went with that last part,
but what I'm trying to say is,
one of those things don't have any flavor.
So you gotta ask yourself, son,
which one do you wanna be?
I wanna be a hero, Dad.
- You made the right decision. - Yeah, and we're proud of you.
You want a ginger ale?
Nah, models drink ginger ale.
I'll take a Capri Sun like a nobody.
- Okay. - Like you.
My bad.
I guess I got caught up in the whole opportunity thing
for Zack and kinda let my guard down.
Marlon, you couldn't have known.
Well, I'll tell you this much.
Next time opportunity knocks, I'ma look right through
the peephole, and if it's some white guy
wearing a expensive suit and some worn-down Chucks,
I'ma be like, "Nah, opportunity.
- We good over here." - Here you go.
- What you giving me milk for? - Oh, you need it.
You couldn't dead-lift a conference table,
all that working out you do?
Girl, I did legs this morning.
Look at this. Ass to the grass.
Look at them squats. Look at that.
Ooh, feel that, girl. Feel that.
- I'm not feeling it. - That is tight.
I know you ain't talking, with your little bird legs.
Hey!