-Hello. -Hello, everybody!
Thank you so much.
-Thank you! -Thank you.
JEREMY: Greetings!
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you, everybody. Thank you.
And welcome, and thank you all
for braving these treacherous conditions to get here.
-It took me nearly nine minutes this morning.
His slippers got all soggy on the way.
I nearly fell over once, but I made it.
Don't worry,
because we have an incredible reward for you all.
Because, in this action-packed show...
..James wears a red anorak...
..Richard looks at a pipe of some sort...
..and I make a cup of tea.
It is non-stop action.
Non-stop. But... but we begin with mankind.
-Wow! Big start! -It is a big start.
You see, the thing is, as a species,
we are very pleased with ourselves,
because we have the Porsche 918
and the Ferrari TheFerrari:
cars that can travel at 212mph, an incredible speed.
Whereas cows and ants and...
-Well, think about it, OK.
A cow is exactly the same now
as it was a million years ago.
Well, maybe a bit more delicious now,
but basically the same.
It still stands around all day long
in a field eating grass.
Whereas we think that we've improved.
But have we?
-Yes. -Yeah, we have.
Well, now, you say that,
but we were travelling at way more than 212mph
in our cars 25 years ago.
JEREMY: This is the Jaguar XJ220.
And with a top speed of 217mph,
it was the fastest car in the world.
For about five minutes.
And then this came along.
The 218mph Bugatti EB 110 Super Sport.
Both these cars were conceived in the '80s,
when Gordon Gekko was running amok,
and the world was awash with money.
But by the time they went on sale in the early '90s...
An incredible day on Wall Street.
The market has fallen over 400 points.
JEREMY: ...the stock market had crashed.
There's only one word to describe what's happening,
and that is "panic".
JEREMY: So, the only people who might have bought them
were too busy hurling themselves out of their office windows
on Wall Street.
So, these cars, they came, they conquered,
and no-one noticed.
Today, though, 25 years later,
there are only three cars in current production
that are faster than this.
However, while there is a lot of performance,
the way it's delivered is... quite old-fashioned.
You put your foot down, and then you wait
while the turbo-chargers spool up.
It takes quite a while, cos there are four of them.
Talk among yourselves.
However, when the 3.5l V12
is finally getting all the food it needs...
Oh, God!
..all hell breaks loose.
Oh!
Through the corner.
Mild terror.
The speed is hilarious!
And terrifying.
That's probably why they fitted it
with this plastic sheeting rather than carpets,
because they knew that one day you would soil yourself.
You did have to be good
to get the best out of this thing.
Which brings me on to Michael Schumacher.
He could have had any car he wanted back in the day,
but he had one of these.
Weirdly, however,
and mainly because I think it looks better,
I'd have chosen the Jag.
It was supposed to have been a four-wheel drive V12,
like the Bugatti,
but Jaguar found that much too complicated.
So, they gave it the turbo-charged V6
from a Metro rally car,
rear-wheel drive, the rear lights from a Rover 200,
and then they said, "That'll do,"
and went to the pub.
So, does that mean the Jag is embarrassed by the Bugatti
in a drag race?
Right, before we do this,
I have to tape the cassette player in place,
because the last time I did a full-bore standing start
in an XJ220,
the acceleration was so vivid,
the stereo shot out of its slot in the dashboard,
ricocheted off the gear lever,
and then speared into my left plum.
It was very uncomfortable.
Oh, the end's come off.
That's good. Right, window up.
Right, let's do this!
Don't know when to change gear,
because the rev counter's broken.
This is close.
Oh, my word! Ha!
Score one for the Jag!
Whoa! That was some speed!
After a quarter of a mile,
the badly-made Jag was doing 135mph,
and a modern day Lamborghini Huracan couldn't do that.
Which proves that in the last 25 years, we've come nowhere.
Except, we have.
You see, back in '92 and '93,
there was no Wi-Fi, there was no PlayStation,
DVD hadn't been invented,
Justin Bieber hadn't been born.
There was no Google, Amazon was a river.
There was no internet pornography.
Well, that's probably a good thing,
cos there was no Viagra, either.
The early '90s were the dark ages,
and when you drive these cars, it shows.
In here, there's no power-steering.
No air conditioning.
No anti-lock brakes.
And obviously, no driver aids of any kind.
Got a 525bhp engine back there.
Ooh, shi...
Being fed by a turbo-charger the size of a wheelie bin.
And all there is in here to tame it is me!
Ah!
Oh!
After a couple of laps in this thing,
you really are aching.
And sweating.
And you're frightened. You really are.
Cos this is not a car that's just gonna forgive you.
If you overdo it, you're gonna hit a tree,
and that's just an end of it.
So, there we are.
A modern supercar may be no faster
than these monsters from the past,
but a modern supercar makes the speed fun and easy,
not terrifying and bathed in an unholy mix of sweat and faeces.
Well done.
Covered it all there.
No, seriously, well done,
because nobody's ever finished a road test
with the word "faeces" before.
No, that was a first.
But I'm just thinking,
it isn't just supercars that are getting slower,
because you remember the Lotus Sunbeam?
-Yeah.
That did 0-60 in 6.6 seconds,
and there aren't many hot hatches
that would keep up with that, even today.
And then you've got trains. The Mallard, the steam train,
is quicker than most electric trains.
SR-71 Blackbird, nothing in the skies as fast as that.
I suppose, if you think about it, we used to be able
to get across the Atlantic in three hours,
-and now it takes us seven. -Exactly.
And now we must put some numbers on our argument
by sending the Bugatti round the Eboladrome.
Come on, old-timer!
JEREMY: And she's off.
A smooth start.
Four-wheel drive system maintaining traction
in these wet conditions.
It really is soaking out there today!
Right, a measured line through the first curve,
and then carefully working the throttle
to keep things in check.
Approaching the sweep down to Your Name Here,
and smoothly done.
Crikey! Managing to get the tyres squealing,
even on this damp section.
And then winding up the little V12
to fire it back onto the Isn't.
Single wiper batting away the drizzle,
as she hustles it towards the braking zone
for the tricky Old Lady's House complex.
How will it get on here?
Very neat.
Very controlled.
And now back on the gas for the run to Substation.
And you can hear the fizz
from those four furiously spinning turbos.
Keeping it together there nicely.
Field Of Sheep to go.
Glides through there, and across the line.
So, let's see where it goes on the board.
I'm imagining pretty high up.
Oh.
-That's not very fast. -No, it isn't very fast.
But we put the Jag round, as well,
and that did it in...
Hang on, I've got the time here. Just bear with me.
..one thirty-five one.
JAMES: So... slower than the Bugatti?
Yes.
Slower, in fact, than everything
except a small, cheap Volkswagen hatchback,
which also went round in the soaking wet.
Yes.
So, contrary to what you were saying earlier on,
supercars have got much faster
over the last 25 years.
Yes.
Right! Moving on!
Because now it's time
to order some doughnuts of debate
from the Chat Café, on Conversation Street.
-I was terrified. -Yeah.
Right, good. Now...
-Yes.
The only car, incidentally,
designed on the interior and the exterior by women.
-It was.
Well, they're dropping it, and replacing it with this.
This has been designed by a man, so...
Mm-hm. And where are you going with this one, Jeremy?
So, it won't be able to take its jumper off
by folding its arms.
Men can't take their jumpers off like women do,
-crossing their arms. -I can do that!
-You're not a man. -Oh, right.
I take my jumper...
That's how you take a jumper off, like that.
How do you know?
You just wait for the paramedics to come along,
cut it off after your accident.
Yes, but that's how you take a jumper off.
-I don't know what you're talking about. -Take your jumper off.
Just take your jumper off. Watch this. How does he take it off?
Er, like this.
JEREMY: There, you see? Like a man.
Are there any women wanna take...
Oh, no, we can't do that.
Seriously, women, do you know what I'm on about?
WOMEN: Yes.
Women cross...
If I tried to do that, I'd dislocate my shoulder!
Thank you for that nonsense, Jeremy.
Can we maybe get back to the BMW now, which is a car?
Yes, it is. Now, I have to say,
the old one was never as good to drive
-as it was to look at. -I know what you mean.
It wasn't. It was sort of baggy, wasn't it?
Yeah, and there was never an M version.
You know, it was all just unexciting.
But I'm hoping this new one
is as good to drive as it looks,
and it does look very good,
-even though it will struggle with its jumper. -Yeah, whatever.
Anyway, if I was looking for a new BMW Z4,
actually, I'd have one of these,
because this is the new Toyota Supra.
I know, it looks phenomenal!
And that underneath is basically a Z4.
-Same engine and everything. -Same chassis.
It is a Z4, but with that body.
And that body, I have to say, looks amazing.
And do you know the most amazing thing is,
they're talking about a price between 40,000 and 60,000,
which is much less than it looks like.
RICHARD: See, I think that is actually filling a gap in the market.
There is a need right now for a mid-price sportscar,
because there really aren't many, if any.
There's the Audi TT RS.
Well, that'll definitely take its jumper off like that, won't it?
And then stow it in the overhead lockers,
tell you where the doors are.
Now, Volkswagen's US Head of Regulation -
that was his job title - a guy called Oliver Schmidt.
He's just been done for his part in Dieselgate.
And they've given him seven years in jail.
Or, as he would put it, 4.2 years.
And a fine of £400,000,
or whatever that translates into VW money.
Two hundred and seventy thousand.
The fascinating thing is, there was a warrant out for his arrest in America,
but he was in Germany.
And then, for some reason,
he decided to take his annual holiday in Florida,
and got arrested at the airport.
"Oh, nein!"
-Oh, yeah. -Well, he must be!
He must be! The only thing I can think of
is that Volkswagen needed someone to do some jail time
-for what had happened.
No, I reckon they probably said,
"You are ze employee of ze month, Mr Schmidt,
and you have won a fortnight's holiday
in Disney World!"
-"Ah, danke!" -And off he toddled.
"Oh, no, they have arrested me!"
That's actually a seven-year holiday, Mr Schmidt,
and the catering is terrible.
Now, do you remember the Rimac we had
in programme one of this season?
-There it is. JEREMY: Yeah.
RICHARD: Well, they've announced there is a new one coming out.
Well, what happened to that one?
No, that was called the Concept One.
JEREMY: Mm-hm. -And they only made eight of those, actually.
-Seven. Shut up!
What happened to the other one, Hammond?
Just stop saying things!
The new one is gonna be called the Concept Two,
and amazingly they're saying it's gonna be even faster,
and that was blindingly fast.
I actually don't believe that you can make a car go...
Well, they say it's gonna be faster,
and it's a bit bigger inside.
Which you did need, cos that one was quite cramped.
-You can fit in this one. -I could fit in the last one.
You'd be less like Spam, though,
if you rolled it over and over and over.
It should be more dangerous, you're right.
We've actually got a picture of the new Concept Two.
Here it is, Hammond. You'll like this.
RICHARD: Oh, God.
Ooh, now, there's a new McLaren, OK?
I've got a picture of it here.
This is staggering. OK? I've got some of the details.
It's their new flagship, kinda replaces the P1.
Super hard-core. 789 horsepower mentalist that thing.
And they've called it... And this is a tremendous name, I think.
-They've called it the Senna. RICHARD: Ooh, cool.
JEREMY: I mean, that is a really cool name for a car like that.
I'm glad they didn't call it the Mansell.
-No, less cool. -With its droning engine note.
And it would have a stupid moustache above its number place.
And if it were a convertible, a tweed roof.
McLaren Hunt could work, cos he was quite cool.
A terrible thirst, though, it would have.
Yeah, a lot of smoke coming out.
Every now and again it would try and mount another car. But it'd be cool.
On balance, I think Senna's probably the best name
they could have come up with.
Right. Now, what else? What more conversation have we got?
-I have some conversation.
You know last week, you were talking about
how you ended up following a pigeon?
-How fast did you reckon it was going?
Thirty-five, I think you said.
The other day, I was going down a country lane
and I ended up following a blackbird,
and that only does 28.
And that's interesting, cos that means a blackbird, in level flight,
is slower than a pigeon.
What is wrong with you two?
Why are you following birds?
Why not follow Russian spies or straying husbands?
No, listen, Hammond. Pay attention.
RICHARD: Oh, God. -I did some research on this.
You know the top speed of a pigeon,
if it really puts its foot down, is 90,
in level flight.
-Ninety miles an hour! That is amazing,
cos you wouldn't think a pigeon's wings could shift enough air.
-No, I wouldn't think about it! -No, no, stop!
You say that: a hummingbird can fly faster than a goose.
JAMES: Can it? -Even though it's like that.
-Nobody cares! -They do!
Stop ranking birds!
What?
-R-r-r-ranking.
Anyway, I think that the top speed of birds is a new hit show.
And you and I can host it,
and you'll end up as Buttons in panto in Swindon.
And then you'll shoot yourself
in a room in a Premier Inn one night.
-Yeah. -There'll only be one police car outside,
and it'll be a Vauxhall Astra.
That's your future!
Anyway, that is enough Conversation Street this week, so let's move it on.
Thank you very much.
Now... Now, as I'm sure you know,
trying to set a speed record is very, very dangerous,
and especially if you try to do it on water.
In fact, over the years, and this is a true fact,
85% of everyone
who's tried to break a speed record on water
has been killed in the process.
-Eighty-five percent! -Yeah.
But that's not the sort of figure that puts us off!
Exactly. Because there was a 15% chance of surviving it,
we decided to try and break the UK speed record
for amphibious vehicles.
Yeah, first, though, we had to build a car
that could be driven legally on the road,
but that would also go very quickly on the water.
Mm. And how hard can that be?
JEREMY: Since we were trying to break
an amphibious speed record,
the obvious starting point...was here.
At Huddersfield International Airport.
Why are we at Huddersfield International Airport?
Yeah, why aren't we at a lake?
Because I'm project leader,
and one of the many, many things that I know
is that to go fast on water,
you have to have a lot of power.
To demonstrate what I was on about,
I'd set up a test,
using the jet engine from an RAF Nimrod.
-Yes.
JAMES: Can I just ask... JEREMY: What?
...what is the current speed record for amphibious vehicles?
Thirty-nine point one miles an hour.
Well, isn't this rather overkill?
Listen, Usain Bolt can run at 27mph on land, OK?
If he were waist-deep in water,
he'd have a top speed of about one.
Water's really sticky, you need loads of power.
I've got a word in my head for all this, and it's "impractical".
I've got a word, it's "shut up".
-All right. -We're going.
-Very.
-That's fired up.
That's gonna drive air into the big engine.
-We've gotta get those in the green.
I hate it when you've got buttons.
I can't hear anything.
Ignitors on.
I'm gonna give it some thrust now.
Gonna go up to 100% power.
JAMES: You are a witless dodo!
RICHARD: Look at it!
JEREMY: Ah!
On the upside - there is an upside here -
if it's capable of doing that,
imagine how fast we're gonna go on the lake.
-You're a cretin. -Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
None of this is based on any scientific reasoning whatsoever.
You say, "It's got a lot of power."
"How much thrust has it got?" "A lot!"
Look what it's done, it's blown two aeroplanes over
and given us a massive bill...
JEREMY: Having proved to my sceptical colleagues
that jet power was the way forward,
we moved to our technology centre.
Here, we would fuse together this Russian jet...
..this speedboat...
..and this Suzuki Jimny,
and we'd end up with the fastest amphibious vehicle
Britain had ever seen.
-We have an old Suzuki car. JEREMY: Yes.
A small, old, plastic boat and a jet engine.
And you're suggesting that somehow we unite them all
into some sort of symphony of success and glory?
Yes.
This is the stupidest thing I've ever been involved with.
JAMES: It's idiotic.
JEREMY: Having convinced my sceptical colleagues once more
that my plan was a good one, we set to work.
And soon, our amazing creation was ready.
Right, as you can see, everyone,
this is fully road legal.
Lights, indicators, number plate.
And a massive jet engine just behind us.
JEREMY: Yes.
RICHARD: More of an issue, though,
was the passenger's seat layout.
I've gotta change gear,
and it's right where your penis is.
I never want your hand that near my gentleman's sausage!
RICHARD: What are these things above our heads exactly?
These are the stabilisation tanks, yeah?
When we go in the water, you lower them down and they keep us afloat.
I've got that. I've got that when we fitted them,
but what we're now discovering
is they make us more stable on water,
but a lot less on land!
JEREMY: James, why are you being so quiet?
JAMES: I'm waiting for it to fall over.
JAMES AND RICHARD: Whoa!
Will you stop making stupid, childish noises!
I think we've done an incredible job,
and I think I've been a remarkable project leader.
Why has no-one thought to do this before?
It's so logical when you look at it.
The car bit of it's working, but it was already a car.
That's not much of an achievement.
I'm gonna do a brake test.
Ah! Oh! Oh.
-Wait.
Is that that...
-Ooh! -Oh!
Yeah.
JEREMY: Eventually, we arrived at the lake.
For our first high-speed test run.
And immediately, Hammond chickened out.
Why aren't you wearing a fire suit?
Um, jet engines just aren't my thing.
I'm gonna watch this from the bank.
Are you really not coming in it?
No, I'm gonna watch-- I'm gonna be the observer.
Oof!
JEREMY: Oh. She's ready.
My big fear is, let's be modest
and let's say we reached 80.
So from here, we've got to just use drag to slow us down
before we hit the far bank.
Well, we have to think ahead, yes.
Start decelerating when you pass that mid-point,
-you should be all right. JAMES: I think he's right.
The middle is the critical point.
RICHARD: Then just back off the throttles.
-And then we'll use the drag of the pontoons to slow us down? -Yeah.
OK.
Right.
JEREMY: Soon, James and I were ready for the test,
and not at all nervous.
When we fire up the jet, this Perspex that I put in here,
I put it in.
So what if that just goes?
You shouldn't have said that.
You know in Die Hard 2 ,
when the enormous soldier is sucked into the engine?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's like that.
It will be like that, won't it?
JEREMY: Ready?
We are going in.
Oh, I feel buoyancy.
I am proud of my two colleagues.
This is...this is historic.
JEREMY: We are now gonna fire up the jet engine.
Right. Put your thing on, it's gonna be bloody loud.
-These things.
That's a good point.
-Right. -Comms check, comms check.
Dials are engaged.
This is the speedometer.
OK, we've got ignitor on, bilge pump off,
throttle set at idle.
-Go. -Starting jet.
Holy shit!
It's going... Don't look at it!
JEREMY: Don't look in the rear-view mirror.
Oh, this is phenomenal!
Taking up the power now. Fifty percent.
Is that 50%?
Yeah, that's about 50, but 70 is 100.
What do you mean, "70 is 100"?
I couldn't find a dial that exactly matched the revs,
so 70 on here is 100% thrust.
JEREMY: I'm going full power. Here we go.
Hold tight. You wanna hold on to something, seriously.
Right, go.
JEREMY: That's 100% thrust.
Right, well, we're doing 2mph.
JEREMY: Come on!
We're doing three!
Why is it so slow?
I mean, that jet is from a Russian fighter!
That is capable of keeping a Russian fighter in the air.
Why won't it make us go more than three?
In the air, that's the point - the air!
Hammond is keeping up with us.
That's it?
Come on!
-We're sinking.
No, my half is sinking.
Oh, God! We really do need... I'm gonna go in to shore.
I don't think they needed the neck braces in the end.
JAMES: And throttle back.
-Three.
RICHARD: Three? -Yeah, it does three.
That's your top speed, it's three?
You could row at 3mph.
JEREMY: On the upside, and there is one,
neither of us were killed.
And that's an upside?
No, the issue at hand is...
RICHARD: It doesn't work. -Yes.
Why doesn't it work?
Well, it's mainly to do with the shape of the car,
the shape of the sawn-up bits of tatty old boat
that you've Blu-Tacked to it.
The drag of the pontoons,
the size and power and position of the engine,
the amount of fuel it will run,
the basic physics.
The fact that water is 750 times as dense as air...
JAMES: It was time to go back to the drawing board.
And this time, we gave Jeremy a job he could actually do.
Now, this is the car that currently holds the record
for amphibious vehicles.
It's the Gibbs Humdinga,
and, as you can see, it is not an ancient Suzuki
with an old Russian jet engine on the back.
No, it's a light, plastic car with a hull,
and, as you can see, retractable wheels.
Exactly. And that's why we have chosen,
as the basis for our project, this.
Which is a Reliant Robin in a 1970s leisure suit.
No, it is a Bond Bug:
one of the coolest cars from the '70s.
And I can see why you chose this particular one, Hammond.
It's got your name on it.
Shut up. The only reason these things never really caught on
was because nobody thought of making them amphibious.
Yes, but we have, you see.
So we're gonna fit it with retractable wheels, same as the Gibbs,
and we're gonna use the engine from one of these.
JEREMY: A jet engine. -Yes. Sort of, but different.
JEREMY: It's my idea.
The jet engine was not your idea.
No, the jet engine isn't my idea,
but the idea of making an amphibious car
using a jet engine was my idea.
This is a water jet, it's different.
And anyway, this is genius,
because you can rent one of these
from pretty much any beach in the world,
that will do 50mph out of the box.
-This one will do 67. -It will. Exactly.
Well, that's plenty.
So, all we've gotta do is incorporate this
into the roadworthy shell of the Bond Bug,
and we've got a very fast car and a very fast boat in the same thing.
Which is exactly what I was doing.
JAMES: At this point, we sent Jeremy home
and set to work on building our masterpiece.
I don't know why you're applauding.
They know nothing about boats.
Absolutely nothing.
Old planes? Yes. Helicopters? Yes.
Old motorcycles? A lot. But boats? Nothing!
But, we shall see what they came up with later on.
Now, though, it is time for Celebrity Face-Off.
It's a simple question this week.
Who is the world's fastest magician?
To find out, would you please welcome Dynamo,
and Penn and his silent partner, Teller.
Amazing!
I'm already amazed!
I've gotta be honest, magic is my favourite thing in the entire world.
Apart from boating in the south of France.
But we must begin with cars, obviously.
This being a car show, occasionally.
You both started with 4x4s, as far as I can work out,
or they have featured in your life.
You are a G
Yeah, yeah.
So, at the beginning, when my TV show got a bit of success,
Mercedes came and they would give me cars to drive.
But then, I did a commercial with Fiat,
and Mercedes weren't too happy about that.
I used some of the money from Fiat to...
I still love the G-Wagen, so I bought one.
So, you used Fiat money to buy a Mercedes?
-Yeah. -That is quite good. But you had a Ford Bronco.
But only because I watched OJ do the...
-And I said, "He's kind of a big guy.
Maybe I'd fit in that car."
And I got the whole thing, and it was all too masculine,
so I painted it stripper pink for Vegas.
When you're driving to work, do they think you're a stripper?
I hope so.
Didn't you have a Ford Falcon at some stage?
Well, when I was in high school...
I'm from a rural area.
..my mother gave me her car, which was a Ford Falcon.
But for me, that was just a place to have sex in high school.
And then you started touring together.
-Mm-hm. -So you presumably needed some kind of tour...
You know, we're carny trash.
We did carnivals and outdoor shows and all of that.
We're the worst kind of people.
And we had to drive all over the United States of America.
So, we went to an auction place
and bought a Datsun 210 station wagon,
with the back seat down, and then our trunks in there with all our stuff.
We were so terrified of having our props stolen,
that we had a magnetic sign we put on the side
that said, "Atlanta Centre for Disease Control
Specimen Transfer Unit."
We put that on the side, with the big boxes in the back,
and that worked really well,
until the sign was stolen.
I wanna talk about cars,
but who would rather here see some magic?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
I know we're supposed to do cars.
Would you mind awfully if you now do some?
Have you actually-- You've brought something with you?
I'm gonna try something with you.
Just hold your hands out for me.
-Both, like this.
-A little bit wider.
Are you left or right
Right-handed. Unless we're talking about shooting.
-Close it in a fist. That one?
Yeah, then turn this left one over.
I'm gonna put a little cross right there.
Can you show that to everyone?
-Show the cross to everybody. -I've got a cross there.
Let's have a look.
So, make sure it's dry.
It's Sharpie, so it shouldn't come off.
Yeah, it's still there.
The idea...
..is to make it...
..disappear from there...
If it's in this hand now, I'm going to be...
sake!
How is that?
Go on, do another one. Who'd like to see another one?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
-Have you got a piece of paper there?
Er, yes.
I've got a pen here.
I'm just gonna just do some markings for you.
We'll start here.
Take the pen.
-Take the pen. -Yeah.
Give me a number from, say, one to ten.
Nine.
Nine. Write it down.
JEREMY: Nine. DYNAMO: Great.
We'll go for, let's see,
the lady right there with the glasses.
Yeah. I need another number, from 9 to 19.
Er, 11.
-Eleven. -I think it was a man.
That's a bit embarrassing.
We may be in a world of trouble here.
Let's move it on, quickly!
Yes.
-Richard!
A number from 11 to 21.
Nineteen.
-Yes.
-Nineteen, write it down.
Perfect. Yes
Uh, we'll go for this guy here in the blue jacket.
-Actually, that's a woman.
-It's so hard to tell.
A number from 19 to 29, please.
27.
Twenty-seven, write that down.
Gilles Villeneuve's old number.
We'll go for this gentleman right here with a white t-shirt.
-The gender-fluid gentleman. -Yes. Yes!
DYNAMO: A number from 27 to 37.
Thirty-three.
Thirty-three, write that down.
Finally, the lady at the end with the long hair.
Can we have a number between 33 and 49?
-Forty-two. DYNAMO: Forty-two.
So, nine, 11, 19, 27, 33 and 42.
These are the numbers we randomly generated today.
A couple of years ago,
I picked six numbers myself.
They're like my lucky numbers,
and I went to a shop and I bought a lottery ticket.
And I won.
Only a tenner, but, you know, I won something.
And I actually keep that ticket in my wallet.
-There we go. -No, no, no. No!
Keep it in my wallet for good luck.
Where's the camera?
Can you see that?
There's one ticket there.
-I think you'll find the numbers quite interesting,
if you wanna read them out loud.
So, you...
I'll need my glasses on a lottery ticket.
So, let's just...
-Nine.
Nine, right there.
-Eleven. -Eleven.
-Nineteen. -Nineteen for Richard.
JEREMY: Twenty-seven. DYNAMO: Twenty-seven.
JEREMY: Thirty-three. DYNAMO: Thirty-three.
DYNAMO: The last one? JEREMY: Forty-two.
That's actually a lottery ticket. It is a lott...
I'm... Well, I'm staggered.
But anyway, look, we haven't finished yet.
Shall we see what the Americans can do?
AUDIENCE: Yes! -Come on, you two, let's have a look. What have you got?
Well, you know, I was asking Dynamo,
you're a member of the Magic Circle, right?
-Yeah. PENN: We are not.
Teller and I have a reputation,
not ill-deserved, for giving away magic secrets.
You do. You always say how your tricks work.
We have done that, so they will not let us be members.
So that got us thinking.
Could we do a trick that would fool the Magic Circle,
while giving away...
..all the very principles we've given away?
And the first thing we gave away, in 1985, way back then,
we're on the David Letterman programme,
and gave away the idea of fake blindfolds
that are used by magicians.
We said, "Every blindfold used by a magician is fake," which we've stood by.
We're gonna have a blindfold that can't be faked, which is-- Dynamo.
Teller's gonna stand up here,
and, Dynamo, just make sure that Teller can't see.
Come over there and just make sure that Teller...
-Not permanently, but just for now.
Just put your hands right over his eyes there so he can't see.
No need to be gentle, it's not me.
-Cool, cool. -All you've gotta do is make sure he can't see.
How many fingers am I holding up?
Now, we've been accused
of giving away the idea of marked cards.
Marked cards are very hard to...
Even professional gamblers
sometimes can't determine if they're marked.
But Dynamo's gonna make sure they're not marked.
The cards will be dealt face-down in Teller's right hand.
If the cards were marked, which they're not,
Teller would have to see,
and Dynamo's making sure he can't see.
-He can't see. -The other thing we gave away
was on the Johnny Carson programme.
We gave away the idea of a card force:
that it's easy to do a trick
if you know in advance what card's gonna be picked.
And one of the ways you can do a force like that, Jeremy,
is to have all the cards be the same.
-JEREMY: Yeah. -Then just have a card selected,
where you know what's it's gonna be.
-Stand up for a second, Jeremy. -Yeah, I can become vertical.
I want you to make sure you look over these,
and make sure they are not all the same.
-I'll try to fan them all out. -No, that's a pack of cards.
Yeah, it's a pack of cards.
Now, another way you can do a card force
is you can use sleight of hand
to force the bottom card or the top card,
or even a card in the middle.
I'm gonna eliminate sleight of hand by using your hands.
OK?
So, I'm gonna give you most of the deck right there.
And I'm gonna...
Just fan them out like this. Fan them out.
Don't let me see, but just think of one.
Don't even point to it, don't cut to it.
Just look over all the cards. You have most of the deck.
And then just think of one card.
Don't look at it, just think of it.
Then close them up so I can't see what you're doing.
And then give those cards a good shuffle.
Or give them that kind of shuffle.
Good. That's good.
But face-down so I can't tell what you're shuffling.
-Mm-hm.
-You have no idea where it is in the deck -No. No.
Now, magicians often want you to misremember
the sequence of events.
We want you to very much remember the sequence.
The card is only in your head, is that right?
-Yeah.
-Nowhere else. -The cards are all mixed up, you have no idea where it is.
Now, I'm gonna put these in your hand.
Now, the order of these will not change. It will not change.
I'm not gonna touch them again.
I will no touch them again, OK?
Now that my hands are off, and I won't touch them again,
what was the name of the card?
-King of Hearts. -OK.
Now, you're gonna go over there and you're gonna deal the cards, one at a time,
from the top, face-down, to Teller's right hand, OK?
-Into his right hand.
JEREMY: Face PENN: Yeah.
PENN: Dynamo, make sure he can't see.
He can't see nothing.
See, we are just being whipping boys again, Dynamo,
us English.
-OK, Dynamo, was he able to see, even for a moment? -Nothing.
-Jeremy, what was the name of your card? -King of Hearts.
Look at the next card.
-Oh, for Christ's sake. -Thought of card out of a shuffled deck.
JEREMY: Well...
You came here, of course, to do your laps.
And, as we can see, in the rapidly fading light,
the weather has not been clement.
In fact, when we arrived at the track this morning,
it looked like this.
And then... You can see the problem.
That bit, you can sort of see where the track goes.
But if we've got another shot-- I think we've got a moving shot.
Now, somewhere in there is a racetrack.
Which makes it quite tricky, I should imagine,
to see where you were going.
-Yeah.
And there was a particularly fine moment, I have to say, on the...
It's supposed to be a flat-out corner when it's dry,
but it really wasn't.
The weather was improving, it was thawing.
And it all went, really, brilliantly wrong.
Who'd like to see Dynamo going round in a few circles?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
Let's have a look at this.
This is a flat-out corner,
and then you just can see it's going,
and then...
That's a properly big slide-off, that one is.
Round of applause for that, though.
We like that.
-No, it was well fun!
I was like, "I could have done this all day,
it's so much fun."
Who'd like to see the lap that eventually resulted?
AUDIENCE: Yes! -Let's have a look.
Dynamo's lap, here it comes.
Thawed out.
A nice, smooth, quiet start. And he's away.
Right, let's do this!
JEREMY: OK, that's...
Ooh, that's quick through...
Oh! Yes, that's cutting that corner, but nicely done.
Nicely held.
And now we go on to what is normally gravel, but...
What does it look like now? It's just mud and slush.
God, that looks tricky!
But you're keeping it...
Ooh, a bit wide through there, but not bad at all.
Again, not bad.
Not fast, but...
I don't think I'm on the track any more, guys.
JEREMY: No, it's still brown...
No, that is a James May cornering speed through that one.
Is the car putting traction down all right?
DYNAMO: No, it was all over the place!
JEREMY: No, that's nice.
Yeah, splashing through the last bit.
Difficult Bit 2 as we call it.
It's driving on water, this is.
JEREMY: It is, yeah. It's almost Jesus-esque.
And then now we get back onto the tarmac.
Ooh, I say, that was tonnes of front-end grip there
all of a sudden.
And look at the way the front's turning in.
That's unbelievable!
Now, we go onto the really fast bit, ordinarily.
Come on, then. Here we go.
JEREMY: This is where you lost it in the practice.
But you haven't lost it this time.
That front is suddenly sticking really well!
Coming up to the last corner.
And a little bit of understeer through there, but nicely tamed.
And there we are, across the line, everybody!
Nicely done. Not easy.
Not easy.
Now then, after you'd had a go, it was your turn.
-Yes.
I had a very good time, yeah. And I had Teller as a passenger, which was helpful.
Oh, that would help! Balance it out nicely.
PENN: Sure.
You also had a moment, shall we say.
I did. I did, yeah.
Would anybody like to see this moment?
AUDIENCE: Yes! -Let's have a look.
This is quick coming into the last corner.
That's understeer.
Oh, somebody's been off there already,
you can see the tyre marks, but not as far you went.
That is impressive.
That's the furthest anybody's been off that track,
by a long way.
You're definitely winning that, so far. Definitely.
Furthest off the track, I got that.
-But then you got a lap together, both of you. -I did.
Let's have a look at this lap.
Yeah, another nice, tidy start.
Roaring off down to the first corner.
So, we're going, Teller. Can you feel that?
JEREMY: It's not at all scary in there.
Right, that's tidily done through there,
keeping it really on the island,
unlike Dynamo, who was a bit mad.
And onto the gravel.
Well, the mud. Well, the slush.
Whatever you wanna call it.
Ahhh!
PENN: I'm going quickly there.
JEREMY: Oh-hoo-hoo!
-That was well held there. PENN: Thank you.
JEREMY: That's nice driving.
I'm under control. Shut up, Teller! I got it!
JEREMY: Is he putting you off?
Now, this is...
Sometimes, when it appears to be slow, it's fast,
and sometimes, when it looks fast, it's slow.
This is looking fast, I'm gonna be honest,
but there's a lot of sideways action,
which, of course, isn't forward motion,
-which is a problem. -But it looks really good.
JEREMY: It looks tremendous. This is great television.
And you can hear the bark of the two-litre there
as you hit the straight.
-We're going! -Ahh!
-Now! Boom! -Oh!
JEREMY: And coming up to the...
This is the corner - not this one, but the next one,
that caught you out practising.
Ooh, you're trying to get a Scandi flick going there,
but a bit too soon.
Understeer again,
but you've held it this time.
And there we are, yeah, across the line, everybody!
Right, I have the times here.
OK.
We'll start with you, Dynamo.
One thirty-nine point three.
-That's all right -That's really slow.
But you've got the snow symbol.
So far, you're the fastest person ever
to go round our track in the snow.
But are you faster than Penn and Teller?
There's actually excitement here, isn't there?
DYNAMO: Yeah. PENN: There's nervousness.
You did it in one...
..thirty...
..three point eight.
DYNAMO: Bad boy.
Commiserations. Commiserations.
Congratulations, gentlemen. Congratulations.
That was fantastic!
And thank you so much, all of you,
for coming along and doing all this magic.
But we must now say goodbye to Dynamo
and the world's fastest magicians, Penn and Teller!
-World's fastest magicians!
Now, tonight, we are attempting to break
the British water speed record for amphibious cars.
Now, earlier on, Jeremy had a go at making something,
and his effort was, frankly, terrible.
JEREMY: No, it wasn't. -It was.
Yeah, so, Hammond and I took control of the project,
and what we decided to do was take a 1970s three-wheeler
with a removable roof, called a Bond Bug...
Here's a picture of it.
..and mate that with a jet ski,
to create something that we had christened the Pond Bug.
And then, when it was finished,
take it to the Lake District,
and something called Coniston Speed Week.
JAMES: Over the decades, many fearless daredevils
have powered across this five-mile stretch of water,
in the pursuit of new records.
One was the legendary Donald Campbell.
Who was killed here in 1967,
whilst trying to break the 300mph barrier.
Today, in Speed Week, that spirit of adventure lives on,
as people from all over the world
come to push their boats, their engines,
and themselves to the absolute limit.
This was speed heaven,
and I felt sure our fully road legal Pond Bug
would blend in perfectly.
Morning!
Look at all this!
Having parked up, I went off to find Hammond and Clarkson,
who reckoned he'd come up with something better.
JEREMY: Are you ready?
You're gonna not believe this.
RICHARD: OK.
JEREMY: Behold my genius!
JAMES: Oh, hello!
JEREMY: Oh, yeah!
RICHARD: That is actually quite surprising.
JEREMY: So, the tracks drop down when you're near land.
JAMES: Oh, very clever!
I mean, I'm sorry...
I'm gonna stand back a little bit.
..have I, or have I not created something brilliant?
JAMES: No. RICHARD: You didn't build it.
And it's very cool, but you can't use it.
-Because it's not road legal!
Well, put a number plate on it.
It's not an amphibious car, it's a boat.
That's a boat with legs on it.
It's not eligible for what we're doing.
BOTH: Ah!
-Oh, yeah!
Look at it!
That is a quality job.
Why are you pulling that face?
It's the stupidest thing I've ever seen in my life.
It's the coolest thing that has ever been!
-Look at it!
-RICHARD: These are the doors. -JAMES: Yes, undercarriage doors.
What doors?
RICHARD: You retract the undercarriage.
The front wheel goes up, then these doors shut,
you've got a smooth hull.
So those... What do the back wheels do?
What about the chine?
What do you mean, "What about the chine"?
Look at the chine at the back.
This is to attempt a water speed record.
RICARD: I know! JEREMY: This is what you need for a high-speed run,
a smooth, rounded chine.
When this is up here, it's sharp.
So, as you're going along, you catch that,
and it's gonna go.
JAMES: We had to make it fit round the wheel, otherwise it wouldn't work on the road.
You could have made it round!
That was a difficult fabrication job. It was much easier to do it like that.
I'm sure it's easier, but you've created a death trap!
Weight. Keep the nose down.
-JEREMY: I know what it's for. -RICHARD: Well, there you go then.
Isn't this thing just gonna porpoise?
-We don't know. -No. Probably.
JEREMY: Anyone who gets in that
-is effectively committing suicide. JAMES: No, they're not!
Anyone who gets in that is gonna look the coolest person here, that's fact one.
Which one of you two's driving it?
Now, that's interesting, because...
We've had a think about that. It's gotta be somebody
with a speedboat, powerboat racing licence.
-JAMES: Yes. Have you got one of those? -I haven't got one.
I haven't got one. Do I know anybody who does have one?
Yes, I do have a racing licence.
-Well, there you go, then. -And here is your racing boat.
Look what we've built for you.
-I am not getting in that. -Yes, you are.
No, I'm not doing...
-No! JAMES: Well, you have to.
-You have to. -I am not.
And with that, back to the tent.
-This is broken. -No, line it up with the...
It is broken, otherwise it would...
You've used a removable steering wheel before.
JAMES: Line up the... There you go!
I've mended it.
JEREMY: Knowing that 85% of people
who attempt speed records are killed,
and that the boat had been designed by imbeciles,
I was fervently hoping that it would, at least, be easy to operate.
However...
You have to drive it into the water first. It's still in road mode.
And you do that using this. That just teases it in.
A little push, a little push, and it goes in.
Once you're in the water, you have to retract the wheels,
and then you disengage the fan and the clutch.
Then you have to close the nose wheel doors...
If you push it down once, you're in neutral.
You'll still rotate round, cos the jet's still running...
Push it up, you'll see the current will flow on the ammeter.
When you get a current surge...
Jet thrust trim is here,
and it will appear on your screen here...
Hold that, and that goes...
This one, you pull it fully back.
If you knew, and you obviously did know all along,
that I was gonna be driving this,
why have you made this thing so complicated?
-That's not complicated. -We've simplified it.
These instruments are from the jet ski.
RICHARD: Comforting.
Comforting. When you're on holiday,
you've looked at those and thought,
"I'm having a lovely time."
That's what you're doing today. The water will be colder.
-Why don't you take the checklist with you? -Because it will blow...
-It tells you the things you've got to do. JAMES: It's so easy!
We've spent hours on that!
The thing to remember is that it's...
Thirty-nine miles an hour is really fast.
JAMES: It is quite fast. -It is really fast.
But if you do 40, then you're a world record holder.
-Step out of here... JEREMY: Not world. It's a British record.
-What other sort of record would you want?
JEREMY: To set a speed record,
you have to drive past the start line marker buoys.
You're then timed over a kilometre,
after which, you turn round...
..and do exactly the same thing
in the opposite direction.
Your result is an average speed taken from the two runs.
It all sounded very terrifying.
Please sink like a stone. Please sink!
Sink! Sink!
No, it isn't. Damn it!
-It looks good. -It looks brilliant!
RICHARD : We have every faith in you.
-We don't have every faith. -No.
No faith.
JAMES: Wheels!
Wheels coming up.
JEREMY: It was now time for the checklist.
What do I do with the clutch? I've forgotten that.
Doors. Doors. Is that right?
How do I get it out... Wait a minute. Right, bilge.
No, that's bilge, that's not right.
No, it's just...
Oh, this is terrible!
Hammond! May! You idiots!
JAMES: Why is he just going round and round?
Is there a record for going round and round?
RICHARD: Don't know, but if there is, it's in the bag.
Right. I think we need to go to a better viewing position to see his run.
Let's go over there.
JEREMY: With the ridiculous checklist completed,
I had to get some speed up,
so I could cross the start line at full chat.
Visor down.
It's on the plain now. We're on the plain.
It's very spray-y.
It's a badly-designed hull.
JEREMY: But the hull was the least of my problems.
Jesus Christ! This steering!
Oh...
It's a nightmare!
I can't steer it!
I literally cannot steer it!
I think he's experimenting with it.
I think he's sort of testing.
Oh, my God!
JAMES: It looks pretty good. RICHARD: It looks fabulous!
I bet it handles like a dream!
Oh, come on!
I'm gonna crash into the bloody safety boat!
-Look, he's making turns. Yes! -That looks tremendous!
JEREMY: Three times I tried to get the Pond Bug
pointing in the right direction.
Absolutely impossible!
And then I thought, "Sod it," put my foot down,
and went for it.
Oh, Christ!
It's only my skill that is keeping this pointing in a straight line.
And, to make matters worse for a man on a speed run,
I had no idea how fast I was going.
I've got a GPS speedo, but I can't read it,
because there isn't any GPS.
Why have they given me such shoddy workmanship?
Oh, heavens!
Oh, Christ!
That's the worst thing I've ever done, ever.
And now, I've gotta turn round and do it again.
I've gotta wait for my own wash to die down.
That's what did for Campbell. He went back too quickly.
Here we go.
That is my foot pinned to the floor!
Jesus! It's starting to chain lock!
It's really bad.
Ahhh!
And then...
Oh, my God!
Oh, no, we've got a power problem!
I'm losing power!
May and Hammond have built a piece of shit here.
It sounds a little bit inconsistent.
That's maybe him feathering the throttle.
He is possibly finessing it to keep it on the plain.
Oh, no! Come on!
Jesus! A lot of smoke.
Well, that was a disaster!
I've got no GPS, so I don't know how fast that was.
And the engine is cutting out all the time.
Basically, it was time for a stern word
with the engineering department.
-Right, you two... RICHARD: Yeah?
Not only have you built something
-ugly and complicated... -It's not...
JEREMY: No, it's rubbish and lethal.
JEREMY: The worst thing is the steering.
You cannot get it going in a straight line.
The steering is a horrible compromise,
cos it's gotta work the steering wheel and steer the boat.
"Horrible compromise" is a way of describing it.
"Lethal" is another way.
-It looked great! -Looked great out there.
JAMES: Yeah.
-I was doing about 4mph. -RICHARD: Well, that's a start.
JEREMY: Then, an official came on the Tannoy
to announce my result.
-There you go!
We did it!
What do you mean "we" did it?
Would you have swam it?
-I did it! -We did it!
Thank you so much.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you! Thank you all for applauding me!
No, wait, they're applauding us as a team.
Listen! I'm sorry to go on about this,
but Roger Bannister was the first
to break the four-minute mile.
Not the man who made his shoes.
Edmund Hillary was the first to go up Everest.
Not the man who made his rucksack.
-So, I was the first...
I was the first to do that!
I broke the record, not you two!
Yeah, the truth is, to be honest, we failed.
You didn't fail.
I mean, if you'd spent less time getting your hair cut
and more time working on the engine so that it ran properly,
I reckon that thing would probably do 60 or 70.
On flat water, it definitely would.
Yeah, but the thing is, we gave it the square chines,
that really terrible steering,
the fantastically complicated knobs and buttons and things.
Basically, we built a death trap, and it didn't work.
Well, so you're... Let me get this straight.
You were hoping I would become one of the 85%
who died trying to break a record?
BOTH: Yes.
So we're now actively trying to kill each other?
Yes, and we can't even do that properly!
And on that terrible disappointment, it's time to end.
Thank you so much for watching.
-Goodbye! -Bye-bye.