1 00:00:58,159 --> 00:00:59,827 Hello, everybody. 2 00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:02,630 Hello. Hello. 3 00:01:04,132 --> 00:01:05,433 Greetings! 4 00:01:07,501 --> 00:01:09,137 That doesn't get any worse. 5 00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:13,641 JEREMY: Hello. 6 00:01:15,143 --> 00:01:17,511 Hello, and welcome! 7 00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:19,247 Welcome to The Grand Tour, 8 00:01:19,313 --> 00:01:21,349 which, once again, comes to you 9 00:01:21,415 --> 00:01:24,152 from the shores of Loch Ness in Scotland. 10 00:01:26,620 --> 00:01:28,422 Now... 11 00:01:30,391 --> 00:01:33,261 The reason why we're still here is, 12 00:01:33,327 --> 00:01:34,795 after last week's show, 13 00:01:34,862 --> 00:01:38,299 these two got talking to a man in the local town, 14 00:01:38,366 --> 00:01:40,168 who has convinced them that, 15 00:01:40,234 --> 00:01:43,237 in that lake, there is a monster. 16 00:01:43,304 --> 00:01:46,274 Well, there is a monster. 17 00:01:46,340 --> 00:01:47,808 Have you seen it? 18 00:01:47,875 --> 00:01:50,311 No, but the man was very convincing. 19 00:01:50,378 --> 00:01:52,045 Did he sell you a tea towel 20 00:01:52,180 --> 00:01:54,882 with a drawing of the monster on it? 21 00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:58,018 He did, and now we know what the monster looks like. 22 00:01:58,085 --> 00:02:01,355 Exactly. We've also got photographs of the monster. 23 00:02:01,422 --> 00:02:03,824 - Look, we've got this one. - JEREMY: That's a log. 24 00:02:03,891 --> 00:02:06,394 JAMES: And we've got this one. Look at that! 25 00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:08,362 - Monster. - Another log. 26 00:02:08,429 --> 00:02:11,732 Can I just draw your attention to a picture I've got? Here it is. 27 00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:13,667 RICHARD: Well, that's not a monster, is it? 28 00:02:13,734 --> 00:02:16,670 No, that is an elephant shrew. Well spotted. 29 00:02:16,737 --> 00:02:20,908 Now, this is the Nissan GT-R among animals. 30 00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:23,711 Have you ever seen it on the move? It's phenomenal! 31 00:02:23,777 --> 00:02:26,580 It leaves a rooster tail and it corners like it's got downforce. 32 00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:30,117 But my point is, this is a very rare animal, 33 00:02:30,218 --> 00:02:34,822 and yet the photograph of it is in sharp focus and colour. 34 00:02:36,890 --> 00:02:39,026 Now, all the pictures of your monster are in black and white. 35 00:02:39,092 --> 00:02:41,429 - Well, maybe it is black and white. - And blurry. 36 00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:43,030 - Maybe it's blurry. 37 00:02:43,096 --> 00:02:45,966 This has been driving me mad all week, so I decided 38 00:02:46,033 --> 00:02:48,902 to go for a drive on some of Scotland's, let's be honest, 39 00:02:48,969 --> 00:02:50,471 brilliant driving roads. 40 00:02:50,538 --> 00:02:53,307 - They are... They are fantastic. 41 00:02:55,443 --> 00:02:58,045 And actually, speaking of which, 42 00:02:58,111 --> 00:03:01,549 something called the North Highland Initiative, 43 00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:03,150 set up by Prince Charles, 44 00:03:03,251 --> 00:03:05,686 a few years ago it came up with the North Coast 500. 45 00:03:05,753 --> 00:03:10,558 Now, this was going to be Scotland's answer to Route 66 in America. 46 00:03:10,624 --> 00:03:14,262 Miles of amazing scenery. Incredible road. 47 00:03:14,262 --> 00:03:16,063 Got a picture of a bit of it here. 48 00:03:16,129 --> 00:03:17,265 Look at that. 49 00:03:17,331 --> 00:03:18,832 Huge success. 50 00:03:18,899 --> 00:03:20,801 Loads of big spenders came 51 00:03:20,868 --> 00:03:23,103 with their Lamborghinis, and their Ferraris and their Porsches. 52 00:03:23,170 --> 00:03:25,473 Hotels were full, restaurants were packed. 53 00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:27,808 Local economy booming. 54 00:03:27,875 --> 00:03:30,143 So how long do you think it was 55 00:03:30,278 --> 00:03:31,745 before the local newspaper 56 00:03:31,812 --> 00:03:34,882 carried a headline containing the following words: 57 00:03:34,948 --> 00:03:36,850 "police" and "crackdown"? 58 00:03:37,985 --> 00:03:39,052 Ten days. 59 00:03:39,119 --> 00:03:40,821 - Two days. - Two days. 60 00:03:40,888 --> 00:03:43,291 "Oh, we can't have people driving along that! 61 00:03:43,291 --> 00:03:44,492 You might run into a pedestrian!" 62 00:03:44,558 --> 00:03:46,460 RICHARD AND JAMES: It's a road! 63 00:03:46,527 --> 00:03:49,797 I know it is. And then you've got the A9. 64 00:03:52,099 --> 00:03:57,305 Ninety-nine miles of continuous average speed camera. 65 00:03:57,338 --> 00:03:59,740 - Ninety-nine miles. 66 00:03:59,807 --> 00:04:02,376 Now, I'm sorry, you lot, I presume you're all petrolheads, yes? 67 00:04:02,443 --> 00:04:04,312 AUDIENCE: Yes! 68 00:04:04,345 --> 00:04:06,914 So let me ask you a question. 69 00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:09,049 Dying in your beds, 70 00:04:09,116 --> 00:04:10,651 many years from now... 71 00:04:12,553 --> 00:04:15,188 ...would you be willing to trade all the days, 72 00:04:15,323 --> 00:04:17,858 from this day to that, 73 00:04:17,925 --> 00:04:19,327 for one chance, 74 00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:21,895 just one chance, 75 00:04:21,962 --> 00:04:26,534 to come back and say to the Scottish Safety Camera Partnership, 76 00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:28,869 "You can take our licences, 77 00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:31,138 but you can't take our freedom"? 78 00:04:33,674 --> 00:04:35,676 AUDIENCE: Freedom! Freedom! 79 00:04:35,743 --> 00:04:38,812 Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! 80 00:04:38,879 --> 00:04:40,814 RICHARD: Now look what you've done! 81 00:04:43,150 --> 00:04:44,485 JEREMY: Thank you. 82 00:04:44,552 --> 00:04:46,119 Look what you've done! 83 00:04:46,186 --> 00:04:47,755 - I know. - That's dangerous! 84 00:04:47,821 --> 00:04:49,690 - I know. - Let's get on with the show. 85 00:04:49,757 --> 00:04:53,427 Yes. In tonight's car programme... 86 00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:56,597 An ant in a jar. 87 00:04:58,098 --> 00:04:59,567 A dog on a lead. 88 00:05:01,735 --> 00:05:03,971 And some beans on a table. 89 00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:06,607 But first, 90 00:05:06,674 --> 00:05:07,841 when someone wants to buy 91 00:05:07,908 --> 00:05:09,410 a large and very fast saloon car, 92 00:05:09,477 --> 00:05:11,479 they tend to buy German. 93 00:05:11,545 --> 00:05:14,515 They think there is no alternative. 94 00:05:14,582 --> 00:05:16,384 But is there? 95 00:05:22,022 --> 00:05:26,259 This is the Lexus GS F. 96 00:05:26,394 --> 00:05:31,532 And straight away, we can see that it isn't an especially handsome car. 97 00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:34,101 And it's a Lexus, 98 00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:36,704 which marks its owner out as a golf enthusiast 99 00:05:36,770 --> 00:05:39,106 and possibly... a bore. 100 00:05:41,074 --> 00:05:42,510 And things are worse 101 00:05:42,576 --> 00:05:46,046 when you try to live with it for a while. 102 00:05:46,113 --> 00:05:49,116 The most annoying thing, apart from the buttons on the steering wheel, 103 00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:53,487 all of which seem to retune the radio to a station you don't like very much, 104 00:05:53,554 --> 00:05:56,557 apart from that, every time you reach for 105 00:05:56,624 --> 00:05:59,026 a can of zesty drink in the cup holder... 106 00:06:00,561 --> 00:06:02,295 I've done it again! 107 00:06:02,430 --> 00:06:04,765 You can't help but nudge the mouse 108 00:06:04,832 --> 00:06:07,935 which sets the destination on the satnav 109 00:06:08,001 --> 00:06:10,003 to where you are. 110 00:06:10,070 --> 00:06:12,440 SATNAV: In 300 yards, right turn. 111 00:06:12,473 --> 00:06:15,142 I don't need to be told how to get here. 112 00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:16,677 I'm already here. 113 00:06:16,744 --> 00:06:18,612 Next right, then right turn. 114 00:06:18,679 --> 00:06:21,882 Oh, God. Now it's trying to make me go back there a few yards. 115 00:06:21,949 --> 00:06:23,717 I was there! 116 00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:28,221 So, apart from a fiddly and annoying satnav... 117 00:06:28,288 --> 00:06:30,824 SATNAV: Next right, then right turn. 118 00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:34,462 JEREMY: ...what else do you get for your £70,000? 119 00:06:36,196 --> 00:06:39,132 Er... Not much, really. 120 00:06:39,199 --> 00:06:41,368 Er... You don't get Wi-Fi 121 00:06:41,469 --> 00:06:43,937 or Apple CarPlay, or gesture control. 122 00:06:44,004 --> 00:06:47,641 You don't even get a DSG gearbox. 123 00:06:47,708 --> 00:06:50,077 Seats don't massage you as you drive along, 124 00:06:50,143 --> 00:06:51,745 it can't park itself. 125 00:06:51,812 --> 00:06:52,613 Erm... 126 00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:55,282 But you do get a DVD player. 127 00:06:55,348 --> 00:06:57,785 And how 1996 is that? 128 00:06:59,319 --> 00:07:03,491 This car, then, is sparsely equipped and annoying. 129 00:07:03,557 --> 00:07:06,794 However, it's also rather good. 130 00:07:14,668 --> 00:07:18,105 First of all, there's the engine. 131 00:07:18,171 --> 00:07:22,242 BMW and Mercedes both use turbocharging 132 00:07:22,309 --> 00:07:23,811 to balance the need for power 133 00:07:23,877 --> 00:07:26,246 with the need for good emissions... 134 00:07:26,313 --> 00:07:28,516 but this doesn't. 135 00:07:28,582 --> 00:07:31,552 This mixes the fuel with the air, 136 00:07:31,619 --> 00:07:34,154 and then, with no trickery at all, 137 00:07:34,221 --> 00:07:35,556 blows it up! 138 00:07:41,394 --> 00:07:43,564 Of course, that does mean 139 00:07:43,631 --> 00:07:45,666 the GS F isn't very kind to animals. 140 00:07:45,733 --> 00:07:48,201 And that's a bad thing, make no mistake. 141 00:07:51,271 --> 00:07:52,773 But on the upside, 142 00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:55,075 listen to the noise it makes! 143 00:07:59,580 --> 00:08:02,550 At medium revs, it sounds baleful, 144 00:08:02,550 --> 00:08:04,985 like a... lonely dog. 145 00:08:06,887 --> 00:08:10,724 But when you build the revs up, it sounds like what it is: 146 00:08:10,791 --> 00:08:14,828 a normally aspirated five-litre V8. 147 00:08:18,298 --> 00:08:23,070 It doesn't produce anything like the power or the torque 148 00:08:23,136 --> 00:08:25,873 you get from its turbocharged German rivals, 149 00:08:25,939 --> 00:08:27,908 but for sheer excitement... 150 00:08:31,779 --> 00:08:34,181 It's like being tickled by a goddess. 151 00:08:38,686 --> 00:08:41,154 And it's not exactly slow. 152 00:08:47,728 --> 00:08:52,232 It does 0-60 in four-and-a-half seconds. 153 00:08:52,299 --> 00:08:57,738 And flat out, it'll do nearly 170 miles an hour. 154 00:08:59,707 --> 00:09:01,975 And then there's the handling. 155 00:09:06,313 --> 00:09:08,849 It's hard to believe that this is a large 156 00:09:08,916 --> 00:09:11,284 and extremely comfortable five-seater 157 00:09:11,351 --> 00:09:14,121 with a boot that's big enough for your golf bats 158 00:09:14,187 --> 00:09:17,324 and all your Freemasonry paraphernalia, 159 00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:20,961 because... it feels like a sports car. 160 00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:26,734 You can change the way the car behaves 161 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:29,870 with various knobs here and buttons here, 162 00:09:29,937 --> 00:09:31,972 but I've got everything turned off 163 00:09:32,039 --> 00:09:35,175 so I can get a feel for how the car behaves 164 00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:39,379 without an electronic safety blanket. 165 00:09:39,446 --> 00:09:40,948 And I like it! 166 00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:02,302 Look at that. 167 00:10:02,369 --> 00:10:04,204 The steering's not brilliant at low speeds, 168 00:10:04,271 --> 00:10:06,774 but when you've got the arse hanging out like that... 169 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:08,241 it's fantastic! 170 00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:13,346 Yes! 171 00:10:13,413 --> 00:10:14,748 Time for another zesty drink. 172 00:10:14,815 --> 00:10:16,516 - Oh, damn it! 173 00:10:16,583 --> 00:10:19,753 - SATNAV: In 300 yards... - I know where I am! 174 00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:21,889 Next right. Then right turn. 175 00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:25,192 - Oh, for God's sake! 176 00:10:25,258 --> 00:10:27,761 For living with on a day-to-day basis, 177 00:10:27,828 --> 00:10:30,230 German cars are far better. 178 00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:35,268 But as a driving machine, and you may find this conclusion surprising... 179 00:10:35,335 --> 00:10:38,872 I think the GS F has them licked. 180 00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:50,918 Well, well. 181 00:10:53,787 --> 00:10:56,356 Now... 182 00:10:56,423 --> 00:11:01,561 Now, I should point out, there is a new BMW M5 coming later this year, 183 00:11:01,628 --> 00:11:03,864 but it'll have to go some to be better than that GS F. 184 00:11:03,931 --> 00:11:05,733 - It really will. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 185 00:11:05,766 --> 00:11:08,736 But exactly how many animals were harmed in the making of it? 186 00:11:08,736 --> 00:11:11,338 - A lot! - One of them was a tortoise! 187 00:11:11,404 --> 00:11:13,573 I know. Let's gloss over that, OK? 188 00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:17,878 And let's find out now how fast the Lexus goes round the Eboladrome. 189 00:11:17,945 --> 00:11:20,848 And that, of course, means handing it over to a man 190 00:11:20,914 --> 00:11:24,818 who thinks that fruit is from the Soviet Union. 191 00:11:24,885 --> 00:11:26,754 - Yeah, it's the American. 192 00:11:29,322 --> 00:11:31,558 He's coiled and ready. 193 00:11:31,624 --> 00:11:33,126 And he's off! 194 00:11:33,193 --> 00:11:37,464 Unleashing all the 471 wailing horsepower 195 00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:40,033 for the first sprint of the Isn't Straight. 196 00:11:40,100 --> 00:11:42,903 What the hell does all this shit do in here? 197 00:11:42,970 --> 00:11:45,839 All he needs is two pedals and a wheel 198 00:11:45,906 --> 00:11:48,441 to unleash the full shock and awe. 199 00:11:48,508 --> 00:11:50,243 Traction control? 200 00:11:50,310 --> 00:11:53,413 If you want something with a mind of its own... 201 00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:55,682 get a horse, get married. 202 00:11:55,783 --> 00:11:58,986 Fortunately, he doesn't need the electronic nannies. 203 00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:01,321 Pushing it hard up to Your Name Here, 204 00:12:01,388 --> 00:12:04,892 and now leaning on the mighty Brembo brakes. 205 00:12:04,958 --> 00:12:08,929 Gentle now, letting the torque-vectoring diff do its thing. 206 00:12:08,996 --> 00:12:10,563 And then back on the throttle 207 00:12:10,630 --> 00:12:14,802 so that mighty V8 can sing its song once more. 208 00:12:14,835 --> 00:12:17,004 If they would have let me bring my gun, 209 00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:19,139 I'd have probably shot myself by now. 210 00:12:19,206 --> 00:12:22,042 And that would be a waste of great talent. 211 00:12:22,109 --> 00:12:25,712 Right, another fast dash up the Isn't, 212 00:12:25,813 --> 00:12:29,316 and now shifting rapidly down the eight-speed automatic 213 00:12:29,382 --> 00:12:31,551 as he arrives at Old Lady's House. 214 00:12:31,618 --> 00:12:35,522 Feeding it precisely through there on this damp track, 215 00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:39,827 before opening it up for the broken surface down to Substation. 216 00:12:39,893 --> 00:12:43,563 Giving the fixed-rate dampers a good workout here. 217 00:12:43,630 --> 00:12:45,498 Two corners left. 218 00:12:45,565 --> 00:12:47,167 Tidy through there. 219 00:12:47,234 --> 00:12:49,569 Just Field of Sheep to go. 220 00:12:49,636 --> 00:12:53,740 And he's right on the edge of the grip and across the line! 221 00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:58,445 It did look good. It did look good. 222 00:12:58,511 --> 00:13:00,413 - It did look good. 223 00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:02,015 A-ha! 224 00:13:02,082 --> 00:13:05,452 Well, now let's find out where it goes on the Lap Board. 225 00:13:05,518 --> 00:13:07,520 Remember, it was damp. 226 00:13:07,587 --> 00:13:08,588 Er... 227 00:13:08,655 --> 00:13:09,656 Oh... Oh. 228 00:13:09,722 --> 00:13:11,291 RICHARD: Oh, wow! Wow! 229 00:13:11,358 --> 00:13:14,294 So it's slower than an already-out-of-date BMW, 230 00:13:14,361 --> 00:13:16,463 it makes you look like a Freemason, 231 00:13:16,529 --> 00:13:18,531 and it causes animals to explode. 232 00:13:18,598 --> 00:13:20,767 Yes. Yes, but-- 233 00:13:20,868 --> 00:13:22,970 Yes, but it's just another of your excellent recommendations, Jeremy. 234 00:13:23,036 --> 00:13:24,737 Thank you very much. Never mind. 235 00:13:24,872 --> 00:13:26,506 Yes, thank you very much, indeed. 236 00:13:26,573 --> 00:13:28,241 And now we must move on, 237 00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:31,912 because it is time to set the satnav for destination chat, 238 00:13:31,979 --> 00:13:34,982 as we head down Conversation Street. 239 00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:49,897 - It hurt. 240 00:13:49,897 --> 00:13:54,501 - It hurt. But not as much as the wine bottle last week. 241 00:13:54,567 --> 00:13:58,605 Now, Mercedes, they've come up with this plan, or this idea, 242 00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:02,742 where you can rent your car out when you're not using it. 243 00:14:02,809 --> 00:14:05,045 Is that a bit like erm... Airbnb? 244 00:14:05,112 --> 00:14:06,546 Exactly like Airbnb. 245 00:14:06,613 --> 00:14:09,349 The thing Mercedes haven't realised is that we, 246 00:14:09,416 --> 00:14:11,118 and I'm sure you all agree with me, 247 00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:13,486 we form an emotional bond with our car. 248 00:14:13,553 --> 00:14:14,721 - We're attached to them. - Exactly. 249 00:14:14,787 --> 00:14:16,123 So renting it to someone else 250 00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:17,991 would be like renting out your pet. 251 00:14:18,058 --> 00:14:19,993 Yeah, or your penis. 252 00:14:21,929 --> 00:14:24,731 - Yes. - I'm attached to it, I mean. That's what I mean. 253 00:14:24,797 --> 00:14:26,566 One would hope so, yeah. 254 00:14:26,633 --> 00:14:28,835 You wouldn't want to see somebody else having fun with it. 255 00:14:28,936 --> 00:14:32,072 - No, it's mine! - Exactly. Exactly. 256 00:14:32,139 --> 00:14:34,841 And that's what I'm on about. Mercedes has obviously got it into its head, 257 00:14:34,942 --> 00:14:37,810 and this really worries me, because it's a large car company, 258 00:14:37,945 --> 00:14:41,448 that cars are just tools, like microwave ovens or fridge freezers, 259 00:14:41,514 --> 00:14:44,417 that we'll just sort of gladly, "Borrow it. I don't really care." 260 00:14:44,484 --> 00:14:46,386 You're absolutely right. They are very emotional. 261 00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:49,222 Because you know if you have a car, eventually you sell it, 262 00:14:49,289 --> 00:14:52,725 but then you see somebody else driving around in it, that always feels bad. 263 00:14:52,792 --> 00:14:56,729 It's a bit like watching your ex-girlfriend do sex with someone else. 264 00:14:58,865 --> 00:15:02,269 No. And after a terrible evening in a wardrobe, I know. 265 00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:05,973 It's strangely undermining. 266 00:15:07,975 --> 00:15:10,610 I'm sorry to interrupt. See those circles in the lake just there? 267 00:15:10,677 --> 00:15:13,580 - Monster! Monster! It's a monster! 268 00:15:13,646 --> 00:15:17,684 - I just saw... Did anyone else see that? - Monster! Monster! 269 00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:19,719 It's real. I told you. 270 00:15:19,786 --> 00:15:22,822 Since we can't agree on this, is there a monster in the loch? 271 00:15:22,889 --> 00:15:24,491 AUDIENCE: Yes! 272 00:15:24,557 --> 00:15:27,327 Right, there you go. They live here, they would know. 273 00:15:27,394 --> 00:15:31,098 And if there were no monster, what would you do for a tourist industry up here? 274 00:15:31,164 --> 00:15:34,001 Sell tea towels without monsters on them. 275 00:15:34,001 --> 00:15:36,669 No, I'm not having that, because what you're saying is, 276 00:15:36,736 --> 00:15:39,572 "Come to beautiful Scotland." As you've said, lovely roads, lovely scenery. 277 00:15:39,639 --> 00:15:41,508 There's a hotel, a beautiful lake. 278 00:15:41,574 --> 00:15:43,710 Why would they say, "Yeah, but there's a monster"? 279 00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:45,578 That would be like saying, "Come to Yorkshire. 280 00:15:45,645 --> 00:15:48,248 It's beautiful. We've got the plague, you know?" 281 00:15:48,315 --> 00:15:50,550 - They they wouldn't do that. - We've got distracted a little bit. 282 00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:53,286 - We have got a bit off-topic. 283 00:15:53,353 --> 00:15:56,023 We were talking about him hiding in a wardrobe, 284 00:15:56,023 --> 00:15:57,724 watching an ex-girlfriend have sex. 285 00:15:57,790 --> 00:16:00,760 - Yeah, that was an over-share. - It was a bit of an over-share. 286 00:16:00,827 --> 00:16:03,663 It was either that or he'd rented his penis out. I can't remember. 287 00:16:03,730 --> 00:16:05,365 Something along those lines. 288 00:16:05,432 --> 00:16:07,934 But actually, there's a point I just want to make on this 289 00:16:08,035 --> 00:16:10,470 about this emotional connection we have with our cars. 290 00:16:10,537 --> 00:16:13,506 Cos you know when you scrap a car? It really is very tragic. 291 00:16:13,573 --> 00:16:16,676 When you watch a car that's got all those shared memories going into the crusher. 292 00:16:16,743 --> 00:16:18,378 - It's the end of the road. - It is. 293 00:16:18,445 --> 00:16:20,513 There's this... a new organisation. 294 00:16:20,580 --> 00:16:23,283 It's called Charity Car, where you can give your car to them, 295 00:16:23,350 --> 00:16:26,219 they deal with all the paperwork and what have you and take your car away. 296 00:16:26,286 --> 00:16:30,623 Yeah? And then they give the money that they raised to a charity of your choice. 297 00:16:30,690 --> 00:16:33,193 - That's a nice idea. I like that. - It is a nice idea. 298 00:16:33,260 --> 00:16:35,562 So that, you know, it's sad your old car's gone, 299 00:16:35,628 --> 00:16:39,666 but now... you know, a donkey can be rescued. 300 00:16:39,732 --> 00:16:42,935 And your car lives on in the smile of an abandoned donkey. 301 00:16:43,070 --> 00:16:45,838 That's a beautiful thing. That's what we're about. 302 00:16:45,905 --> 00:16:48,975 - That's what this show is, it's all heart. 303 00:16:49,076 --> 00:16:52,845 - It's what we are. - Heart and road safety: those are the two pillars 304 00:16:52,912 --> 00:16:55,848 that underpin everything, really, on this show. 305 00:16:55,915 --> 00:16:57,650 - I've got some conversation for you. 306 00:16:57,717 --> 00:17:00,087 Yes, which is that there's a website that tells you 307 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:01,788 how many of any given type of car 308 00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:05,092 are still left on the roads of Britain today, yes? 309 00:17:05,125 --> 00:17:07,894 And I'm afraid we have some sad news. 310 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:09,762 Yeah, we do. This is a big worry. 311 00:17:09,829 --> 00:17:12,332 You remember the Citroën Saxo VTS, yeah? There it is. 312 00:17:12,399 --> 00:17:14,234 JEREMY: The car of the angry yob. 313 00:17:14,301 --> 00:17:17,404 RICHARD: It is the ideal car to nip out and steal a chainsaw in. 314 00:17:17,470 --> 00:17:20,507 A fabulous, proper, fizzy little hatchback. Loved it. 315 00:17:20,573 --> 00:17:23,643 Well, in 2008, there were 5,000 of them on the road. 316 00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:27,180 - This year, 491 left on the road. 317 00:17:27,247 --> 00:17:29,349 And, in fact... I know, this is a worry. 318 00:17:29,416 --> 00:17:31,718 Look, we've got a little chart. We've drawn this up. 319 00:17:31,784 --> 00:17:35,688 At that rate, by 2019, they'll all have gone. 320 00:17:35,755 --> 00:17:38,658 There's also the Vauxhall Calibra 16V. 321 00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:40,360 There's a picture. We used to love that. 322 00:17:40,427 --> 00:17:44,797 Do you know, there are only 323 of those left, 323 00:17:44,864 --> 00:17:47,834 and they could be extinct within a year. 324 00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:50,903 And what's interesting is there are people all over the world 325 00:17:50,970 --> 00:17:55,475 working hard to save the tiger from extinction, 326 00:17:55,542 --> 00:17:57,144 but nobody is doing anything 327 00:17:57,144 --> 00:17:59,546 to save the Vauxhall Calibra 16V. 328 00:17:59,612 --> 00:18:01,681 - We've identified something here. - No, there isn't. 329 00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:05,051 However, there is some good news in all of this. The Morris Ital. 330 00:18:05,152 --> 00:18:08,788 175,000 of these... 331 00:18:08,855 --> 00:18:11,258 turds were made, 332 00:18:11,324 --> 00:18:13,893 were squeezed out by the Austin. 333 00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:19,466 And in 2015, there were only 35 left. 334 00:18:19,532 --> 00:18:22,602 - Yes! Now you can cheer! 335 00:18:22,669 --> 00:18:25,172 - That is good news. - It's good news. 336 00:18:25,205 --> 00:18:27,640 Only 35 on the road. 337 00:18:27,707 --> 00:18:31,578 No. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You're absolutely right. 338 00:18:31,644 --> 00:18:36,483 But before you celebrate, yes, 35 left on the road in 2015. 339 00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:40,453 - Mm-hm. - In 2016... there were 47. 340 00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:42,322 What, so they're going up? 341 00:18:42,389 --> 00:18:45,225 - No. No. 342 00:18:45,292 --> 00:18:47,093 I think people are restoring them. 343 00:18:47,194 --> 00:18:49,262 - Mad people. 344 00:18:49,329 --> 00:18:51,898 Anyway, look... No, you're possibly right, but I've done a calculation. 345 00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:55,302 And at that rate... That's a 34% increase in just one year. 346 00:18:55,368 --> 00:18:58,538 And at that rate, by the year 2044, 347 00:18:58,605 --> 00:19:04,076 all 175,000 Morris Itals will be back on the road. 348 00:19:04,211 --> 00:19:05,845 - Oh, my God! - This is a disaster. 349 00:19:05,912 --> 00:19:08,815 It is. That, ladies and gentlemen, is Brexit. 350 00:19:10,417 --> 00:19:13,353 That's what they want: backwards with Britain. 351 00:19:13,420 --> 00:19:17,224 It is time now, since we've reached the end of Conversation Street, 352 00:19:17,257 --> 00:19:19,091 to select reverse and have a look at this. 353 00:19:19,226 --> 00:19:21,761 This is the Bentley Bentayga. 354 00:19:21,828 --> 00:19:25,465 A massive, luxurious, four-wheel-drive 355 00:19:25,532 --> 00:19:27,667 SUV shooting brake. 356 00:19:27,734 --> 00:19:29,236 The question is, 357 00:19:29,269 --> 00:19:32,239 is it any good, or is it a load of... 358 00:19:33,139 --> 00:19:34,507 What's the word? 359 00:19:40,980 --> 00:19:44,417 Well, to find out, James brought it here... 360 00:19:44,484 --> 00:19:46,286 to the German Alps. 361 00:19:49,155 --> 00:19:51,123 Right, I'll get straight to the point. 362 00:19:51,258 --> 00:19:54,594 It is tremendous. 363 00:19:54,661 --> 00:19:57,464 The important thing to remember about this car is this. 364 00:19:57,530 --> 00:20:01,200 It's not an off-roader, it's not an SUV. 365 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:01,268 It's not an off-roader, it's not an SUV. First and foremost, it's a Bentley. 366 00:20:01,268 --> 00:20:04,304 First and foremost, it's a Bentley. 367 00:20:04,371 --> 00:20:05,972 That's what this car is about. 368 00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:09,309 I'm already loving it. 369 00:20:10,977 --> 00:20:13,813 But then... guess what? 370 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,883 The problem is that a barebones Bentley 371 00:20:16,949 --> 00:20:20,186 costs £160,000, 372 00:20:20,253 --> 00:20:23,290 and for £12,000 less than that, 373 00:20:23,356 --> 00:20:24,591 you can have this. 374 00:20:27,026 --> 00:20:30,997 An all-singing, all-dancing, everything-fitted-as-standard 375 00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:33,800 5L supercharged Range Rover. 376 00:20:33,866 --> 00:20:39,038 Or, for £120,000 less than that, you can have this, 377 00:20:39,105 --> 00:20:40,873 the new Jaguar F-PACE. 378 00:20:44,611 --> 00:20:46,613 And it's not like this thing is a garden shed. 379 00:20:46,679 --> 00:20:48,415 It's got loads of clever stuff on it. 380 00:20:48,481 --> 00:20:50,216 So if you're coming back from the shops 381 00:20:50,283 --> 00:20:51,851 with your arms full of heavy bags, 382 00:20:51,918 --> 00:20:54,321 you can open the boot with your foot. 383 00:20:54,387 --> 00:20:58,358 - Yeah, but I can do that with a Range Rover. - Yes, but it's £120,000 more! 384 00:20:58,425 --> 00:21:01,628 - And you don't get one of these. Look. 385 00:21:01,694 --> 00:21:04,531 It's a waterproof, go-anywhere bracelet 386 00:21:04,597 --> 00:21:07,400 that you use to lock... 387 00:21:07,467 --> 00:21:08,801 and unlock it, and start the engine, 388 00:21:08,868 --> 00:21:11,738 so you don't need to carry keys in your pocket. 389 00:21:11,804 --> 00:21:13,506 That... 390 00:21:13,573 --> 00:21:16,376 - That's actually quite a good idea. - I know, it's brilliant. 391 00:21:16,443 --> 00:21:19,211 - I don't know. Maybe it's like one of those watches. 392 00:21:20,447 --> 00:21:23,049 Oh, hello. - Oh. 393 00:21:23,115 --> 00:21:25,051 JEREMY: Puff Daddy is arriving. 394 00:21:25,117 --> 00:21:27,720 - Do you think he's wearing a chain? 395 00:21:27,787 --> 00:21:30,657 You know, that thing costs four times more than the Jag. 396 00:21:30,723 --> 00:21:33,092 And it's not like the badges are that different. 397 00:21:33,159 --> 00:21:36,596 That Jag is... a car. 398 00:21:36,663 --> 00:21:38,798 This is more of a statement. 399 00:21:38,865 --> 00:21:40,500 This is a new way of understanding 400 00:21:40,567 --> 00:21:41,734 the condition of being human. 401 00:21:41,801 --> 00:21:43,470 It is the last word in luxury. 402 00:21:43,536 --> 00:21:45,438 RICHARD: It's a very expensive statement, though. 403 00:21:45,505 --> 00:21:48,775 I mean, if you've got the money to buy that, you could buy the Jag 404 00:21:48,841 --> 00:21:52,044 and still have £130,000 to spend on a PR agent 405 00:21:52,111 --> 00:21:54,781 to put you on breakfast TV talking about how great you are. 406 00:21:54,847 --> 00:21:56,916 It costs £130,000 more for a reason. 407 00:21:56,983 --> 00:21:59,151 Jags are for deluded middle-aged men 408 00:21:59,218 --> 00:22:01,754 who entertain tragic fantasies about being Lotharios. 409 00:22:01,821 --> 00:22:03,856 I know, I've had four of them! 410 00:22:03,923 --> 00:22:06,393 If you're talking about brands with delusion - hello! 411 00:22:06,459 --> 00:22:08,194 - Bentley, that's what it is. - Guys. 412 00:22:08,260 --> 00:22:11,398 - We are not gonna sort this out in a car park. 413 00:22:11,398 --> 00:22:13,833 We need to go for a drive, 414 00:22:13,900 --> 00:22:17,604 and I have worked out a route on this map here, OK? 415 00:22:17,670 --> 00:22:20,873 We are in the village of... Wank, 416 00:22:20,940 --> 00:22:25,412 and we'll go from... Wank to Kissing, 417 00:22:25,412 --> 00:22:27,414 then on to Petting. 418 00:22:27,447 --> 00:22:29,616 Then... this place. 419 00:22:30,650 --> 00:22:32,485 And then... Wedding. 420 00:22:32,552 --> 00:22:35,888 So, Wank, Kissing, Petting, , Wedding. 421 00:22:35,955 --> 00:22:41,694 Yes. It'll be a journey through life without leaving Central Europe. 422 00:22:41,761 --> 00:22:43,730 Yeah, it will. Let's do it. 423 00:22:43,796 --> 00:22:45,598 RICHARD: Very excited, 424 00:22:45,665 --> 00:22:50,503 we set off on what the Germans call the Romantic Road. 425 00:22:53,940 --> 00:22:56,976 So, we are leaving the town of Wank. 426 00:22:57,043 --> 00:22:59,245 What's that? "Thank you for..." 427 00:22:59,311 --> 00:23:00,947 What? Oh, yeah. 428 00:23:05,452 --> 00:23:07,554 And after just a few minutes, 429 00:23:07,620 --> 00:23:10,823 something very unusual happened. 430 00:23:12,258 --> 00:23:13,693 Guys... 431 00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:15,695 I can't think of anything to say. 432 00:23:16,563 --> 00:23:18,364 What a relief. 433 00:23:18,465 --> 00:23:20,032 No, but I really can't, 434 00:23:20,099 --> 00:23:24,270 because if you want a large, luxury off-roader, 435 00:23:24,336 --> 00:23:25,805 you buy a Range Rover. 436 00:23:25,872 --> 00:23:27,039 The end. 437 00:23:27,106 --> 00:23:29,041 The end, move on. 438 00:23:31,478 --> 00:23:32,812 RICHARD: James, however, 439 00:23:32,879 --> 00:23:36,549 had lots to say about his Bentayga. 440 00:23:36,616 --> 00:23:37,950 Hey, chaps, did you know 441 00:23:38,017 --> 00:23:41,654 the stereo in my car has got 18 speakers? 442 00:23:41,721 --> 00:23:44,624 Is that all? Mine's got 27. 443 00:23:44,691 --> 00:23:46,526 Yeah, all playing rubbish. 444 00:23:47,594 --> 00:23:49,629 Thanks, Hammond. 445 00:23:49,696 --> 00:23:51,798 Actually, 27 speakers is not the point. 446 00:23:51,864 --> 00:23:56,736 My car stereo produces 1,950W, 447 00:23:56,803 --> 00:24:00,573 making it the most powerful stereo ever put in a car. 448 00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:05,745 In fact, it's about the only thing in here that does make a noise. 449 00:24:05,812 --> 00:24:09,982 This is a little bit like driving along in the British Library. 450 00:24:10,049 --> 00:24:12,719 It's very quiet, it's very refined. 451 00:24:12,785 --> 00:24:15,788 The carpets are very thick. 452 00:24:15,855 --> 00:24:18,357 Which means you simply aren't ready for what happens 453 00:24:18,424 --> 00:24:20,560 when you put your foot down. 454 00:24:23,563 --> 00:24:25,698 Whoa! 455 00:24:25,765 --> 00:24:31,070 So this has an all-new W12 600-horsepower engine, 456 00:24:31,137 --> 00:24:34,907 and it's like being in a leather-trimmed volcanic eruption. 457 00:24:36,142 --> 00:24:38,811 It doesn't accelerate, it goes off. 458 00:24:42,181 --> 00:24:44,316 Bloody Nora! 459 00:24:44,383 --> 00:24:49,722 Sadly, at this point, Jeremy thought of something to say. 460 00:24:49,789 --> 00:24:51,558 See that? That's the prison 461 00:24:51,558 --> 00:24:54,026 where Hitler wrote Mein Kampf. 462 00:24:56,763 --> 00:24:58,898 Yeah. Where are you going with that? 463 00:25:01,768 --> 00:25:03,435 Nowhere, really. 464 00:25:03,570 --> 00:25:06,105 Just thought you might like to know. 465 00:25:06,172 --> 00:25:09,408 Good. Let's get back to the cars. 466 00:25:09,475 --> 00:25:12,679 Now, you might be thinking that because Jaguar is owned by the same company 467 00:25:12,745 --> 00:25:17,717 that own Land Rover, this is just a Freelander with a Jaguar badge on it, 468 00:25:17,784 --> 00:25:19,051 but it's not. 469 00:25:20,386 --> 00:25:22,889 Underneath is the same basic aluminium structure 470 00:25:22,955 --> 00:25:25,024 you find under a Jaguar XE, 471 00:25:25,091 --> 00:25:28,861 which is a fantastic car, so that's good. 472 00:25:28,928 --> 00:25:31,631 I do only get a 3L supercharged V6, 473 00:25:31,698 --> 00:25:34,801 which means 375 brake horsepower. 474 00:25:34,867 --> 00:25:39,171 That's 225 less than James's, let's be honest, 475 00:25:39,238 --> 00:25:40,840 leather-lined Audi Q7. 476 00:25:41,841 --> 00:25:43,610 But this is light, 477 00:25:43,676 --> 00:25:45,745 so it ain't no slouch. 478 00:25:48,380 --> 00:25:50,316 I like the way this thing handles itself. 479 00:25:50,382 --> 00:25:52,619 I like the way, when you change direction, 480 00:25:52,685 --> 00:25:54,687 when you turn, it controls its weight, 481 00:25:54,754 --> 00:25:56,856 what there is of it, across the axles. 482 00:25:56,923 --> 00:26:00,259 That makes it feel nimble, eager. 483 00:26:00,326 --> 00:26:04,296 It doesn't feel like I'm sitting in a stately home falling off a cliff. 484 00:26:07,767 --> 00:26:10,637 Soon, James was in my way. 485 00:26:12,338 --> 00:26:14,140 Oh, look. 486 00:26:14,206 --> 00:26:17,009 James, you should be where I am. You can see Buckingham Palace and... 487 00:26:17,076 --> 00:26:19,411 Oh, no, it's the back of your car. 488 00:26:19,478 --> 00:26:23,850 I like it when my man is following me. Do you have the luggage for the weekend? 489 00:26:26,418 --> 00:26:28,655 Come on, James. 490 00:26:28,655 --> 00:26:32,324 You might have all the horsepower in the world, but you are in the way. 491 00:26:36,028 --> 00:26:37,930 Stay with that, Birmingham boy. 492 00:26:46,238 --> 00:26:50,142 James, are you worried all your furniture will slide about if you go any faster? 493 00:26:55,447 --> 00:26:57,083 Oh, tunnel. 494 00:26:57,149 --> 00:26:59,418 Excellent. I have important work to do. 495 00:27:08,027 --> 00:27:11,698 Honestly, the plebs make such a noise about everything. 496 00:27:11,764 --> 00:27:13,966 RICHARD: That is putting the S back in SUV. 497 00:27:14,033 --> 00:27:17,003 This is a sporty sports-utility vehicle. 498 00:27:18,170 --> 00:27:21,407 And the sport is not fishing. 499 00:27:21,473 --> 00:27:24,844 RICHARD: Sadly, our playtime was then interrupted 500 00:27:24,911 --> 00:27:27,213 by a worrying call from Clarkson. 501 00:27:27,279 --> 00:27:31,884 JEREMY: Erm... guys, we've had a text from Mr Wilman. 502 00:27:31,951 --> 00:27:34,620 Oh, God. What does it say? 503 00:27:34,721 --> 00:27:38,157 JEREMY: It said that to sort out the performance differences, 504 00:27:38,224 --> 00:27:40,359 we should go to a nearby airstrip, 505 00:27:40,426 --> 00:27:43,129 where he'd laid on some competition. 506 00:27:44,596 --> 00:27:45,898 So we did. 507 00:27:53,372 --> 00:27:56,442 Chaps, this is what we're up against. 508 00:27:56,508 --> 00:27:59,545 BMW X5 M. 509 00:27:59,611 --> 00:28:03,015 4.4L, twin-turbocharged, 567 horsepower. 510 00:28:03,082 --> 00:28:05,351 That is fairly serious competition. 511 00:28:05,417 --> 00:28:09,355 If you think about it, it's gonna be Britain versus Germany. 512 00:28:09,421 --> 00:28:12,992 Well, not really. Your two cars are Indian and mine's German as well. 513 00:28:13,059 --> 00:28:15,161 All right, it's gonna be India versus Germany, 514 00:28:15,227 --> 00:28:19,231 and I shall be victorious in my mighty lighty Jaguar. 515 00:28:19,298 --> 00:28:21,600 - JAMES: Right. - JEREMY: Well, you see, you won't be. 516 00:28:21,667 --> 00:28:23,770 Not in a million years. 517 00:28:31,277 --> 00:28:33,813 Sorry about wasting your time with this race. 518 00:28:35,782 --> 00:28:38,951 You could launch a car that does a million miles an hour 519 00:28:39,018 --> 00:28:40,987 and costs 8p and runs on water, 520 00:28:41,053 --> 00:28:43,589 and people would still buy Range Rovers, 521 00:28:43,655 --> 00:28:46,993 because why would you not? 522 00:28:47,059 --> 00:28:49,829 RICHARD: OK, air-conditioning is off. 523 00:28:49,896 --> 00:28:54,366 It's in dynamic mode, gearbox is in sport. 524 00:28:54,433 --> 00:28:56,502 Come on, little Jag. 525 00:28:56,568 --> 00:28:59,438 So I'm not really worried about Pinky and Perky's challenge, 526 00:28:59,505 --> 00:29:01,808 but the BMW does worry me. 527 00:29:01,841 --> 00:29:05,878 Almost as much power, very obviously lighter. 528 00:29:05,945 --> 00:29:08,014 A lot of well-to-do people in Britain 529 00:29:08,080 --> 00:29:10,116 will want to know the result of this race 530 00:29:10,182 --> 00:29:12,919 before they choose what colour Range Rover they'd like 531 00:29:12,985 --> 00:29:15,287 for next year's shooting season. 532 00:29:37,209 --> 00:29:38,978 Where's the Bentley gone? 533 00:29:42,081 --> 00:29:43,449 I'm losing, everybody. 534 00:29:45,852 --> 00:29:47,854 Come on! 535 00:29:47,887 --> 00:29:49,255 150... Oh, no! 536 00:29:49,321 --> 00:29:51,858 Oh, no! Where is he getting that from? 537 00:29:53,425 --> 00:29:54,861 Easy. 538 00:29:59,999 --> 00:30:03,202 Last. Stone-dead last. 539 00:30:04,871 --> 00:30:06,172 Bugger it. 540 00:30:07,806 --> 00:30:09,308 Yes, yes. Well done, James. 541 00:30:09,375 --> 00:30:12,178 Oh, who knew, if you spend four times as much on a car, 542 00:30:12,244 --> 00:30:14,513 you get one that's a tiny bit faster than another? 543 00:30:14,580 --> 00:30:17,917 Ssh! You two just haven't got the message, have you? 544 00:30:17,984 --> 00:30:21,287 - Yeah. Well... 545 00:30:21,353 --> 00:30:23,956 No, the message is very clear. Underpants, OK? 546 00:30:24,023 --> 00:30:26,692 You can buy a cheap pair from a market stall, 547 00:30:26,758 --> 00:30:30,396 or you can buy an expensive pair with gold thread in them, 548 00:30:30,462 --> 00:30:34,100 or you can do what everyone does, you go to Marks & Spencer's. 549 00:30:34,166 --> 00:30:36,235 Marks & Spencer's, if you're watching this not in the UK, 550 00:30:36,302 --> 00:30:38,537 is where we all buy our pants from. 551 00:30:38,604 --> 00:30:40,006 Well, I don't. 552 00:30:43,342 --> 00:30:46,145 JEREMY: After the race, we resumed our journey, 553 00:30:46,212 --> 00:30:50,249 and Richard and James resumed their bickering. 554 00:30:50,316 --> 00:30:54,686 JAMES OVER RADIO: What does F It sounds like a domestic cleaning product. 555 00:30:54,753 --> 00:30:57,689 I think your Bentley would look better with alabaster lions 556 00:30:57,756 --> 00:30:59,858 instead of door mirrors. 557 00:30:59,926 --> 00:31:03,462 I was going to ask if the glovebox is permanently locked shut in the Jag, 558 00:31:03,529 --> 00:31:05,597 because that's where you keep your wallet. 559 00:31:05,664 --> 00:31:08,534 RICHARD OVER RADIO: The front of your Bentley looks silly. 560 00:31:08,600 --> 00:31:10,236 It just looks a bit daft. 561 00:31:10,302 --> 00:31:14,106 And why was it you didn't get Brian Sewell's old job? 562 00:31:14,173 --> 00:31:16,943 Does the options list for your Bentley Bentayga 563 00:31:16,976 --> 00:31:21,013 include oil paintings of imaginary ancestors? 564 00:31:21,080 --> 00:31:23,449 I apologise for the noises these two are making. 565 00:31:23,515 --> 00:31:25,684 I realise you're all sitting at home going, 566 00:31:25,751 --> 00:31:30,089 "What are they on about? I just want the Range Rover." Of course you do. 567 00:31:30,156 --> 00:31:34,160 The only reason you'd buy the Bentley is cos your hip-hop record's gone to number one, 568 00:31:34,226 --> 00:31:38,430 and the only reason you'd buy the Jag is cos you can't afford a Range Rover. 569 00:31:40,832 --> 00:31:44,971 RICHARD: Since Jeremy had brought up the subject of money... 570 00:31:44,971 --> 00:31:49,841 I don't know how they can sell you one of these for from 34 grand. 571 00:31:49,976 --> 00:31:51,443 And this one, with everything on it, 572 00:31:51,510 --> 00:31:54,280 quite apart from a V6 supercharged engine, 573 00:31:54,346 --> 00:31:56,882 it's got leather everything, iPhone connectivity, 574 00:31:56,983 --> 00:32:01,087 radar-distance control, voice control, electric boot, 575 00:32:01,153 --> 00:32:02,989 magic key you wear on your wrist. 576 00:32:02,989 --> 00:32:06,325 All of that still only costs 51 grand. How do they do that? 577 00:32:06,392 --> 00:32:11,130 Next to everything else, it suddenly looks like the bargain of the century. 578 00:32:11,197 --> 00:32:14,033 OVER RADIO: Jeremy, this car is better than yours. 579 00:32:14,100 --> 00:32:17,836 Well, now, it just isn't, is it? 580 00:32:17,903 --> 00:32:20,372 You're being a... What's the word? 581 00:32:27,413 --> 00:32:30,216 We then flashed through the village of Kissing, 582 00:32:30,282 --> 00:32:32,651 getting it over with as quickly as possible. 583 00:32:34,486 --> 00:32:36,688 Then we went through Petting. 584 00:32:36,755 --> 00:32:39,858 And to make sure we reached erm... 585 00:32:39,925 --> 00:32:42,194 third base before bedtime, 586 00:32:42,261 --> 00:32:45,397 we decided to set our satnavs. 587 00:32:45,464 --> 00:32:48,800 SATNAV: Please name the country. 588 00:32:48,867 --> 00:32:50,302 JAMES: Austria. 589 00:32:50,369 --> 00:32:51,703 SATNAV: Please name the city. 590 00:32:52,771 --> 00:32:54,640 Foo-cking. 591 00:32:56,175 --> 00:32:57,376 SATNAV: Excuse me? 592 00:33:00,212 --> 00:33:01,713 (MUTTERS PLACE NAME UNDER BREATH) 593 00:33:01,780 --> 00:33:03,482 SATNAV: Sorry? 594 00:33:03,549 --> 00:33:05,517 - (MUTTERS PLACE NAME UNDER BREATH) 595 00:33:05,584 --> 00:33:07,519 (MUTTERS PLACE NAME WITH A COUGH) 596 00:33:07,586 --> 00:33:09,355 SATNAV: Sorry? 597 00:33:09,421 --> 00:33:12,624 SATNAV: Is your destination Selking? 598 00:33:12,691 --> 00:33:16,195 No. Foo-cking. 599 00:33:16,262 --> 00:33:20,466 SATNAV: Kraking has been accepted. Which street should I select? 600 00:33:20,532 --> 00:33:22,068 (MUTTERS PLACE NAME WITH A COUGH) 601 00:33:23,635 --> 00:33:25,204 SATNAV: Sorry? 602 00:33:25,271 --> 00:33:28,607 I can't say it. People are listening. 603 00:33:28,674 --> 00:33:31,643 - (MUTTERS PLACE NAME WITH A COUGH) 604 00:33:31,710 --> 00:33:34,213 Thankfully, Hammond had decided to program 605 00:33:34,280 --> 00:33:37,483 his bargain-basement system manually. 606 00:33:38,684 --> 00:33:40,386 F. 607 00:33:40,452 --> 00:33:41,420 U. 608 00:33:44,656 --> 00:33:45,657 K. 609 00:33:48,860 --> 00:33:51,863 It's gone in! 610 00:33:51,930 --> 00:33:56,402 RICHARD: And soon, we crossed the border into Austria. 611 00:33:56,468 --> 00:33:59,138 It's very, very pretty, Austria. 612 00:34:00,506 --> 00:34:03,442 No idea why Hitler was in such a bad mood. 613 00:34:06,212 --> 00:34:08,614 Eventually, we arrived... 614 00:34:08,680 --> 00:34:10,116 erm... 615 00:34:10,116 --> 00:34:12,418 here. 616 00:34:12,484 --> 00:34:15,621 So is this the climax of this stage of our journey? 617 00:34:15,687 --> 00:34:18,023 JEREMY: Is it all it's cracked up to be? 618 00:34:18,124 --> 00:34:20,126 That's what I want to know. 619 00:34:20,126 --> 00:34:23,762 Cos often it can be a disappointment, the first time you go there. 620 00:34:23,829 --> 00:34:26,665 The first time I came here, I couldn't find the way in. 621 00:34:29,601 --> 00:34:31,137 JEREMY: Once we'd arrived in... 622 00:34:33,339 --> 00:34:34,973 ...James was very keen 623 00:34:35,040 --> 00:34:39,378 we should get in the back of his Bentley. 624 00:34:39,445 --> 00:34:43,249 What's really incongruous about this is that you're very obviously in a Bentley. 625 00:34:43,315 --> 00:34:45,184 All this looks very Bentley, 626 00:34:45,251 --> 00:34:48,587 until you look down here and see these symbols on this control knob, 627 00:34:48,654 --> 00:34:51,357 and it's very obviously a serious off-roader. 628 00:34:51,423 --> 00:34:52,791 Oh, what, those symbols? 629 00:34:52,858 --> 00:34:54,260 So you can set it for 630 00:34:54,326 --> 00:34:57,028 swamp, minefield, Christmas or Mexico? Nice. 631 00:34:57,163 --> 00:34:59,631 - Yes, Hammond. - Shall I tell you something interesting about the wood, 632 00:34:59,698 --> 00:35:01,400 or one of the woods you can have in this? 633 00:35:01,467 --> 00:35:04,603 It only grows on a cliff face in Asia, 634 00:35:04,670 --> 00:35:08,507 and the way they get it is they have to abseil down it with their woodworking tools. 635 00:35:08,574 --> 00:35:12,311 Why don't they just use wood from a tree that grows in a field? 636 00:35:12,378 --> 00:35:14,380 Is everything standard in here? 637 00:35:14,446 --> 00:35:15,614 - No. 638 00:35:15,681 --> 00:35:18,417 - No. 639 00:35:18,484 --> 00:35:19,685 - Yes. 640 00:35:19,751 --> 00:35:22,521 - Is 212,000 and something. 641 00:35:22,588 --> 00:35:25,657 So that means the extras in this car 642 00:35:25,724 --> 00:35:29,761 cost more than Hammond's entire Jaguar? 643 00:35:29,828 --> 00:35:32,030 - About the same. 644 00:35:32,097 --> 00:35:35,267 - What, that Jag with all the extras? - That is £51,450. 645 00:35:35,334 --> 00:35:39,037 And this has got £52,000 worth of extras in it? 646 00:35:39,104 --> 00:35:43,375 It's just a little bit more on extras than the entire Jag. 647 00:35:43,442 --> 00:35:45,477 It's great... value. 648 00:35:45,544 --> 00:35:47,913 - JEREMY: Can I just say, James... - Yes, do. 649 00:35:49,715 --> 00:35:51,950 ...I do quite like the interior of this car. 650 00:35:52,017 --> 00:35:54,720 No, I do. I'll be honest. I like the quilted leather, 651 00:35:54,786 --> 00:35:58,557 I like the wood that comes from a cliff and all of that. 652 00:35:58,624 --> 00:36:01,026 But the exterior, I'm sorry, it's hideous. 653 00:36:01,092 --> 00:36:03,995 - Ugly. Pig ugly. - Yeah, well, hang on a minute. 654 00:36:04,062 --> 00:36:07,333 Because, do you remember, and it is a long time ago, 655 00:36:07,399 --> 00:36:09,100 when the Continental GT first came out, 656 00:36:09,235 --> 00:36:10,436 we all thought that was hideous... 657 00:36:10,502 --> 00:36:12,704 - It was. - ...and now we all love it. 658 00:36:12,771 --> 00:36:14,740 - It's one of the few things we agree on. - Yes. Yes, that's true. 659 00:36:14,806 --> 00:36:16,875 But I think this is more like you. 660 00:36:16,942 --> 00:36:20,145 When I first met you, I thought you were ugly. 661 00:36:20,246 --> 00:36:22,614 And now I still think you're ugly. 662 00:36:22,681 --> 00:36:25,317 A crushing criticism from one so handsome. 663 00:36:32,791 --> 00:36:33,959 Unlock the doors. 664 00:36:36,328 --> 00:36:37,929 James, please unlock the doors. 665 00:36:39,398 --> 00:36:41,567 We're in... this place. 666 00:36:41,633 --> 00:36:43,502 RICHARD: In the back of a car, 667 00:36:44,403 --> 00:36:45,571 together. 668 00:36:49,941 --> 00:36:52,578 It is remarkable, isn't it? All those places... 669 00:36:52,644 --> 00:36:55,281 I'm sure... All those place names are real. 670 00:36:55,281 --> 00:36:57,983 - They are real. Yeah, real places. - They really are. 671 00:36:58,049 --> 00:37:00,586 Those place names are real. 672 00:37:00,652 --> 00:37:03,455 Anyway, we'll pick up that pointless test later on. 673 00:37:03,522 --> 00:37:05,357 - It's not pointless! - Yes, it is. 674 00:37:05,424 --> 00:37:07,759 I already explained it perfectly well with the underpants thing. 675 00:37:07,826 --> 00:37:11,196 And I shall be explaining using more demonstrations later on. 676 00:37:11,297 --> 00:37:14,065 - Oh, good. - But now it is time 677 00:37:14,132 --> 00:37:16,201 for Celebrity Brain Crash! 678 00:37:24,976 --> 00:37:28,013 Now, our guest... 679 00:37:28,079 --> 00:37:29,681 our guest today, 680 00:37:29,748 --> 00:37:31,917 he directed Batman, Planet Of The Apes, 681 00:37:31,983 --> 00:37:33,319 Edward Scissorhands. 682 00:37:33,352 --> 00:37:36,221 And, after last week's mine disaster, 683 00:37:36,322 --> 00:37:40,559 he's decided to come to the studio underneath the mines 684 00:37:40,626 --> 00:37:42,561 in a miniature submarine. 685 00:37:42,628 --> 00:37:45,831 Ladies and gentlemen, Tim Burton! 686 00:37:47,799 --> 00:37:50,502 Here is the submarine. There he is, 687 00:37:50,569 --> 00:37:53,339 sneaking underneath the mines. 688 00:37:53,339 --> 00:37:56,207 - RICHARD: Clever. - JEREMY: As he heads cleverly towards us. 689 00:37:56,342 --> 00:37:59,110 - He's out there somewhere. - He's out there somewhere. This is fantastic. 690 00:37:59,177 --> 00:38:01,613 - What are we gonna talk to him about? - There's so much. 691 00:38:01,680 --> 00:38:04,350 - JAMES: About The Nightmare Before Christmas. 692 00:38:04,350 --> 00:38:06,352 It's my favourite Christmas film. 693 00:38:06,418 --> 00:38:09,555 JEREMY: Is it? I want to know what it's like to work with Johnny Depp. 694 00:38:09,621 --> 00:38:11,923 RICHARD: Yeah, there's a lot to talk to him about. 695 00:38:11,990 --> 00:38:14,059 JEREMY: Oh, hello. 696 00:38:14,125 --> 00:38:17,496 We've lost the feed somehow from the sub. 697 00:38:17,563 --> 00:38:19,365 Oh, God Almight... Oh, my God! 698 00:38:19,398 --> 00:38:21,867 - RICHARD: Oh, no! 699 00:38:23,101 --> 00:38:25,371 Oh! 700 00:38:25,437 --> 00:38:29,475 There's obviously been a catastrophic failure with the submarine. 701 00:38:29,541 --> 00:38:32,844 - No idea what could have caused it. - The monster's bitten it! 702 00:38:34,813 --> 00:38:36,882 For the hundredth time, Hammond, 703 00:38:36,948 --> 00:38:40,386 there is no such thing as the Loch Ness Monster. 704 00:38:42,954 --> 00:38:45,391 - Does that mean he's not coming on, then? 705 00:38:45,391 --> 00:38:48,894 Well, James, his lungs have filled with icy water, he's sunk to the bottom, 706 00:38:48,960 --> 00:38:52,398 and his body is being compressed to the size of a Ping-Pong ball. 707 00:38:52,431 --> 00:38:53,865 So that is a no. 708 00:38:53,932 --> 00:38:57,135 It's OK, though, because we have a back-up plan. 709 00:38:59,037 --> 00:39:01,106 You see, the thing is, these days, 710 00:39:01,172 --> 00:39:04,676 - a lot of performance cars have launch control. - Ah, yes. Yes. 711 00:39:04,743 --> 00:39:08,580 The way it works is you put your foot on the throttle and brake at the same time, 712 00:39:08,647 --> 00:39:12,584 and the car's computer works out exactly how many revs you need 713 00:39:12,651 --> 00:39:15,120 and exactly how much wheelspin to give the car 714 00:39:15,186 --> 00:39:17,255 so that you get an absolutely perfect start 715 00:39:17,322 --> 00:39:19,558 as soon as you just take your foot off the brake. 716 00:39:19,625 --> 00:39:23,028 Yeah, and we were wondering, just when exactly can you use that? 717 00:39:23,094 --> 00:39:25,564 If you're in a town centre at a set of lights going... 718 00:39:27,833 --> 00:39:29,435 - It's a bit rude. 719 00:39:29,435 --> 00:39:32,438 It is, as this short film explains. 720 00:39:47,285 --> 00:39:50,288 Coconut-milk latte with a caramel shot, please. 721 00:39:50,355 --> 00:39:52,824 - OK, a coconut-milk latte with a caramel-- 722 00:41:02,594 --> 00:41:04,696 - Pointless. 723 00:41:06,832 --> 00:41:08,900 The thing is, you can't... 724 00:41:08,967 --> 00:41:11,770 you can't even use launch control on a race track, 725 00:41:11,837 --> 00:41:14,973 because you can only engage it for three or four seconds before it cuts out. 726 00:41:15,040 --> 00:41:17,976 And because you don't know when the lights are gonna go green, 727 00:41:18,043 --> 00:41:20,546 you don't know when your three seconds start, do you? 728 00:41:20,612 --> 00:41:22,013 Exactly, which is why we have decided 729 00:41:22,080 --> 00:41:25,216 it is the most pointless invention ever. 730 00:41:25,283 --> 00:41:27,152 Yes, and talking of pointless, 731 00:41:27,218 --> 00:41:29,154 let's get back to our film. 732 00:41:29,220 --> 00:41:32,858 Er... We're road-testing a Range Rover and some other cars. 733 00:41:32,924 --> 00:41:36,294 We began in the German village of Wank, 734 00:41:36,361 --> 00:41:39,197 and the plan was to go through Kissing and Petting 735 00:41:39,264 --> 00:41:41,867 towards Wedding, which was our destination. 736 00:41:41,933 --> 00:41:46,204 Yes, and we pick up the action having decided to spend the night in Fu-- 737 00:41:50,576 --> 00:41:54,880 We woke the next morning in this dew-kissed village. 738 00:41:56,915 --> 00:41:59,484 And over a rather awkward breakfast, 739 00:41:59,585 --> 00:42:01,820 Clarkson made an announcement. 740 00:42:04,990 --> 00:42:09,661 I don't mean to be hurtful or disrespectful, 741 00:42:09,728 --> 00:42:11,997 but erm... 742 00:42:12,063 --> 00:42:14,499 - Go on, spit it out. - Well, it's... 743 00:42:14,600 --> 00:42:16,267 just because we've been here, 744 00:42:16,334 --> 00:42:19,605 doesn't mean we necessarily have to go on to Wedding. 745 00:42:19,638 --> 00:42:20,806 Aw! 746 00:42:20,872 --> 00:42:24,409 It's me, it's not you. 747 00:42:24,475 --> 00:42:27,846 No, he's right. It's been going so well. 748 00:42:27,913 --> 00:42:29,648 And if we go on to Wedding, 749 00:42:29,715 --> 00:42:33,251 we'll have to carry on and on and on, 750 00:42:33,318 --> 00:42:36,521 through Routine, Boredom, 751 00:42:36,622 --> 00:42:39,357 Resentment, Spare Bedroom, 752 00:42:39,424 --> 00:42:41,392 Temptation, Affair, 753 00:42:41,459 --> 00:42:44,730 Discovery, Remorse, Revenge, 754 00:42:44,796 --> 00:42:47,165 Divorce, and then it's Death. 755 00:42:47,232 --> 00:42:50,969 Or you could turn off through Online Dating, 756 00:42:51,036 --> 00:42:53,639 Meaningless Sex, Bottomless Regret, 757 00:42:53,672 --> 00:42:56,074 Financial Ruination, and then Heart Attack. 758 00:42:56,141 --> 00:42:58,409 And then you end up at Death anyway. 759 00:42:58,476 --> 00:43:01,680 Exactly, Hammond. And that's why I'm suggesting 760 00:43:01,747 --> 00:43:05,050 that instead of going to... Wedding, 761 00:43:05,116 --> 00:43:06,985 we go to the Nürburgring. 762 00:43:09,020 --> 00:43:12,824 JEREMY: Because James's car was the only one that spoke German, 763 00:43:12,891 --> 00:43:14,860 he set the satnav. 764 00:43:14,926 --> 00:43:18,196 Ziel eingeben: Nürburgring. 765 00:43:18,263 --> 00:43:21,767 - JEREMY: And then we set off. 766 00:43:28,373 --> 00:43:30,575 Soon, we were on Germany's Autobahns, 767 00:43:30,676 --> 00:43:35,681 which got us thinking about how sensible they are. 768 00:43:35,747 --> 00:43:38,049 And here we are on the Autobahn. 769 00:43:38,116 --> 00:43:39,517 No speed limits. 770 00:43:39,584 --> 00:43:41,787 Is it chaos? No. 771 00:43:42,988 --> 00:43:45,056 If you remove the speed limits, 772 00:43:45,123 --> 00:43:49,828 people don't all suddenly drive into bridge supports at 200 miles an hour. 773 00:43:49,895 --> 00:43:54,700 We're not that stupid. Just as if you leave the gate unlocked 774 00:43:54,700 --> 00:43:56,367 at the lion closure at a safari park, 775 00:43:56,434 --> 00:43:59,304 we don't all run in and have a picnic. 776 00:44:01,306 --> 00:44:06,778 In the last 15 years, Britain's economy has grown by 58%, 777 00:44:06,845 --> 00:44:10,381 whereas Germany's has grown by 102%. 778 00:44:10,448 --> 00:44:15,086 And that's because we're all doing 20 miles an hour and they're doing 200. 779 00:44:16,154 --> 00:44:18,857 Speed is good for business, 780 00:44:18,924 --> 00:44:21,492 and it saves lives as well. 781 00:44:21,559 --> 00:44:23,929 Because when we drive down the motorway in Britain, 782 00:44:23,995 --> 00:44:26,765 we're looking at all the gantries to see if they have speed cameras, 783 00:44:26,832 --> 00:44:31,069 or we're looking at our speedometers to make sure we're not breaking the limit. 784 00:44:31,136 --> 00:44:33,338 We're not looking where we're going. 785 00:44:33,404 --> 00:44:37,142 Heavily enforced speed limits kill people. 786 00:44:38,810 --> 00:44:40,545 The Autobahn also got us thinking 787 00:44:40,611 --> 00:44:44,950 about how times have changed on the SUV front. 788 00:44:46,151 --> 00:44:48,754 It is amazing, really, that an off-road vehicle 789 00:44:48,787 --> 00:44:50,321 can feel this stable, 790 00:44:50,388 --> 00:44:52,557 this planted, I think the word is. 791 00:44:52,623 --> 00:44:54,325 Because it's not that long ago, 792 00:44:54,392 --> 00:44:56,762 if you think about early Range Rovers and the like, 793 00:44:56,795 --> 00:44:58,764 going fast was actually quite frightening. 794 00:44:58,830 --> 00:45:02,233 They had stickers on the sun visors, do you remember, 795 00:45:02,300 --> 00:45:03,969 with a picture of the car toppling over. 796 00:45:04,035 --> 00:45:06,071 "Avoid sudden swerves." 797 00:45:06,137 --> 00:45:08,006 Yes, I'd completely forgotten 798 00:45:08,073 --> 00:45:09,908 about that sticker, but you're right, it did. 799 00:45:09,975 --> 00:45:14,145 "If you operate the steering wheel, this vehicle will fall over." 800 00:45:18,784 --> 00:45:20,185 There are no speed limits, right? 801 00:45:20,251 --> 00:45:23,221 So we are allowed to go as fast as our cars will go. 802 00:45:23,288 --> 00:45:26,057 But who dares actually do that? 803 00:45:26,124 --> 00:45:28,426 Who dares go the fastest? 804 00:45:28,493 --> 00:45:32,230 Right, if we're going to play that game, I might even join in. 805 00:45:32,297 --> 00:45:33,932 Bang on. 806 00:45:33,999 --> 00:45:35,266 RICHARD: Go on, James. Help yourself. 807 00:45:38,303 --> 00:45:42,808 - There you go, 187, top speed. 808 00:45:42,808 --> 00:45:47,312 The thing is, you were behind me when you started and you still are behind me. 809 00:45:47,378 --> 00:45:50,816 - I did 190. - Oh, for God's sake! You didn't. 810 00:45:50,882 --> 00:45:53,318 That's faster than your car will go. 811 00:45:54,853 --> 00:45:57,555 RICHARD: In order to put a stop to this nonsense, 812 00:45:57,622 --> 00:46:00,491 I made us pull in at the next service station. 813 00:46:02,460 --> 00:46:04,095 Right, small cameras. 814 00:46:04,162 --> 00:46:06,231 We fix these to the dash where they can see the speedo, 815 00:46:06,297 --> 00:46:08,934 and then there's no cheating. 816 00:46:09,000 --> 00:46:10,568 Why have you got a dog? 817 00:46:10,635 --> 00:46:12,838 I shall show you. Follow me. 818 00:46:14,505 --> 00:46:16,307 If you want a pet, 819 00:46:16,374 --> 00:46:18,109 you can have something expensive, 820 00:46:18,176 --> 00:46:20,078 like an iguana with a silver necklace. 821 00:46:20,145 --> 00:46:22,848 Or you can have something cheap, like an ant. 822 00:46:22,848 --> 00:46:24,749 - That ant. 823 00:46:24,850 --> 00:46:29,454 Or you can use your common sense and have a labradog. 824 00:46:37,128 --> 00:46:39,264 With my clever demonstration over, 825 00:46:39,330 --> 00:46:40,966 we got back on the motorway 826 00:46:41,032 --> 00:46:45,070 and mounted Hammond's honesty cameras. 827 00:46:45,136 --> 00:46:47,873 I've got a good way of cheating still. 828 00:46:47,873 --> 00:46:50,976 Because if I push this button here, watch, 829 00:46:51,042 --> 00:46:53,912 my speedometer changes to kilometres an hour. 830 00:46:53,979 --> 00:46:55,446 He'll never know. 831 00:46:55,513 --> 00:46:57,382 And Jeremy, while you're setting your camera up, 832 00:46:57,448 --> 00:47:00,551 don't think about changing your display to km/h 833 00:47:00,618 --> 00:47:02,487 so you get a bigger number. 834 00:47:08,960 --> 00:47:12,964 JEREMY: It was now time to begin the speed trials. 835 00:47:17,903 --> 00:47:20,005 Here we go. Going for a big one. 836 00:47:20,071 --> 00:47:23,274 Into a world of speed and glory! 837 00:47:24,642 --> 00:47:27,078 Come on, Audi. You must be able to see me. 838 00:47:28,079 --> 00:47:29,580 Come on, come on, come on. 839 00:47:31,516 --> 00:47:34,585 Out of the way. And you in the Audi. Come on. 840 00:47:35,686 --> 00:47:37,455 As the traffic eased, 841 00:47:37,522 --> 00:47:41,426 Hammond was knocking on the door of 150 miles an hour. 842 00:47:42,627 --> 00:47:44,963 That's 148. 843 00:47:45,030 --> 00:47:46,397 Forty-nine. 844 00:47:46,464 --> 00:47:48,934 JEREMY: And I, too, was getting close. 845 00:47:48,967 --> 00:47:51,702 150 coming up. 150 any minute now. 846 00:47:51,769 --> 00:47:56,641 Come on, stretch it, stretch it, stretch it, stretch it, stretch it. 847 00:47:56,707 --> 00:48:00,178 Sadly, it was hard to say how fast James was going, 848 00:48:00,245 --> 00:48:01,612 because he's an imbecile. 849 00:48:08,686 --> 00:48:11,556 Oh, yeah! That big number's coming up. 850 00:48:12,623 --> 00:48:14,359 Got to beat 151. 851 00:48:16,461 --> 00:48:17,562 JEREMY: Shit! 852 00:48:17,628 --> 00:48:20,365 Why won't it go any faster than that? 853 00:48:20,431 --> 00:48:22,533 Come on! 854 00:48:22,600 --> 00:48:25,470 Why won't you go any faster than 148? 855 00:48:34,645 --> 00:48:38,616 Eventually, heavy traffic ended this important test. 856 00:48:41,286 --> 00:48:42,887 Right, as we are in a traffic jam, 857 00:48:42,988 --> 00:48:46,992 I may as well give you the results of Who Dares Wins. 858 00:48:47,058 --> 00:48:50,095 Richard Hammond, 155 miles an hour. 859 00:48:50,161 --> 00:48:53,231 I maxed the Range Rover at 149. 860 00:48:53,298 --> 00:48:56,001 And James May, because he's a blithering idiot, 861 00:48:56,001 --> 00:48:58,536 6,000rpm. 862 00:49:02,207 --> 00:49:05,076 The idiot's car had also drained its tank, 863 00:49:05,143 --> 00:49:06,711 so while he was filling up, 864 00:49:06,777 --> 00:49:10,181 I set up another of my clever demonstrations. 865 00:49:12,917 --> 00:49:14,685 Gentlemen, observe. 866 00:49:14,752 --> 00:49:17,255 You can buy very expensive sunglasses. 867 00:49:17,322 --> 00:49:19,424 These ones are made from real gold. 868 00:49:19,490 --> 00:49:21,592 Or you can buy very cheap sunglasses. 869 00:49:21,659 --> 00:49:23,161 But what do we all do? 870 00:49:24,029 --> 00:49:25,663 We all have Ray-Bans. 871 00:49:27,865 --> 00:49:31,269 You do know you're just being irritating, don't you? 872 00:49:31,336 --> 00:49:34,872 All you've actually told us about your car is something to do with underpants, 873 00:49:34,939 --> 00:49:36,274 iguanas and sunglasses. 874 00:49:36,341 --> 00:49:38,209 - I'm just saying. - Well, don't! 875 00:49:40,611 --> 00:49:43,548 Back on the move, we continued to follow James 876 00:49:43,614 --> 00:49:46,384 on our journey to the Nürburgring. 877 00:49:46,451 --> 00:49:50,155 But after a while, I started to worry. 878 00:49:52,057 --> 00:49:54,125 Where's he going? 879 00:49:54,192 --> 00:49:56,061 Why have we turned off the motorway? 880 00:50:03,701 --> 00:50:06,204 - James... 881 00:50:06,271 --> 00:50:08,839 Well, I'm going to get straight to the point. 882 00:50:08,906 --> 00:50:11,076 This is not the Nürburgring. 883 00:50:13,211 --> 00:50:14,612 It's Nuremberg. 884 00:50:19,550 --> 00:50:22,553 - Ah, well, yes, but-- - There's no "Ah, well" about it. 885 00:50:22,620 --> 00:50:24,689 The thing is, I can't actually speak German, 886 00:50:24,755 --> 00:50:27,725 only the bit about hands being wet because he's under a waterfall. 887 00:50:27,792 --> 00:50:31,729 But Nürburgring is the same in English as it is in German. 888 00:50:31,796 --> 00:50:34,165 I did it with voice control in German with my car. 889 00:50:34,232 --> 00:50:37,034 It was set to German. I said Nürburgring and it went "blink" 890 00:50:37,102 --> 00:50:39,537 - and I said, "Yes." But it's a similar name. - Don't blame the car! 891 00:50:39,604 --> 00:50:41,639 Well, I didn't pronounce it properly. 892 00:50:41,706 --> 00:50:44,409 That's like muddling up our names cos they both begin with J. 893 00:50:44,475 --> 00:50:47,011 Look, let's not get all bogged down 894 00:50:47,078 --> 00:50:48,646 with who's been a massive idiot 895 00:50:48,713 --> 00:50:51,682 and despite what he claims can't do anything properly. 896 00:50:51,749 --> 00:50:55,253 - Nothing. - Let's instead look for a race track near here. 897 00:50:55,320 --> 00:50:57,188 Why don't we try and find one? 898 00:51:01,058 --> 00:51:04,762 JEREMY: And that is exactly what Hammond did. 899 00:51:14,639 --> 00:51:16,341 Where? 900 00:51:16,407 --> 00:51:18,143 Well, it's all around you. Look, I've marked it out. 901 00:51:18,176 --> 00:51:20,711 Look, it goes around there and up there and along there, 902 00:51:20,778 --> 00:51:23,548 and then down there and round there. 903 00:51:23,614 --> 00:51:25,183 It's not really a track, is it? 904 00:51:25,250 --> 00:51:26,751 No, it's better. It's rallying. 905 00:51:26,817 --> 00:51:30,521 This will be the first ever Nuremberg Rally. 906 00:51:30,588 --> 00:51:34,825 Well, not the... absolute first ever. 907 00:51:34,892 --> 00:51:36,361 He's right. 908 00:51:36,427 --> 00:51:39,164 Do you imagine, if we did motorcycling round here, 909 00:51:39,230 --> 00:51:42,167 it would be the first ever Nuremberg Trials? 910 00:51:42,200 --> 00:51:43,601 Well, we could give it a go. 911 00:51:43,668 --> 00:51:45,436 Let's not run before we can walk, eh? 912 00:51:47,205 --> 00:51:50,841 JAMES: Since Hammond's course featured twisting bends, 913 00:51:50,908 --> 00:51:52,677 loose surfaces, 914 00:51:52,743 --> 00:51:56,847 sheer drops and piles of enormous rocks everywhere, 915 00:51:56,914 --> 00:51:59,350 some practice laps were in order. 916 00:52:02,653 --> 00:52:05,756 Slightly slow there cos I go round a dusty one, 917 00:52:05,823 --> 00:52:08,226 and then this is... I have no idea. 918 00:52:09,627 --> 00:52:13,198 "Danger." Right. I'll take note of that. 919 00:52:14,665 --> 00:52:16,801 I don't want to fall off there. 920 00:52:16,867 --> 00:52:19,270 Oh, shit. I really don't want to fall off there. 921 00:52:20,538 --> 00:52:23,208 RICHARD: Now, this bit is really scary. 922 00:52:23,241 --> 00:52:25,443 Yeah. 923 00:52:25,510 --> 00:52:27,845 That's a bit of a trouser-changer. 924 00:52:27,912 --> 00:52:30,848 Ooh! Now, this is quite interesting, 925 00:52:30,915 --> 00:52:32,883 cos in normal use, 926 00:52:32,950 --> 00:52:38,022 all of the power is sent to the rear wheels in the Jag. 927 00:52:38,088 --> 00:52:39,757 But it can then send power, 928 00:52:39,824 --> 00:52:43,261 up to 50% of it, to the front wheels. 929 00:52:43,328 --> 00:52:46,797 Right, this is where I can go very wrong if I'm not careful. 930 00:52:46,864 --> 00:52:47,832 Oh, shit. 931 00:52:54,705 --> 00:52:59,610 JAMES: Clarkson, meanwhile, had decided he didn't need to have a practice. 932 00:53:01,078 --> 00:53:02,880 What are you doing? 933 00:53:02,947 --> 00:53:05,750 It's my baked beans demonstration for when Hammond gets back. 934 00:53:05,816 --> 00:53:08,419 Because we've got cheap supermarket beans, 935 00:53:08,486 --> 00:53:09,754 then expensive... 936 00:53:09,820 --> 00:53:12,323 Oh, God. I haven't got time for this. 937 00:53:12,390 --> 00:53:15,260 And then, in the middle, the Range Rover... 938 00:53:15,293 --> 00:53:16,461 Oh! 939 00:53:19,264 --> 00:53:21,098 JAMES: With practice over, 940 00:53:21,165 --> 00:53:24,769 Hammond lined up on the beginning line for his timed lap. 941 00:53:24,835 --> 00:53:29,106 Richard Hammond, begin in three, two, one. 942 00:53:29,173 --> 00:53:30,341 Go! 943 00:53:32,877 --> 00:53:34,545 Here we go. 944 00:53:36,414 --> 00:53:37,982 Now, come on, Hammond. Concentrate. 945 00:53:41,319 --> 00:53:45,756 Oh! That was beautiful lift-off oversteer. 946 00:53:50,428 --> 00:53:52,297 A little bit of a brake, and then... 947 00:53:55,700 --> 00:53:57,535 Ooh! That's too fast there. 948 00:53:59,136 --> 00:54:01,071 I just had a wee. 949 00:54:01,138 --> 00:54:05,643 Right, let's predict what he's saying in there. 950 00:54:05,710 --> 00:54:10,014 He'll say the traction control won't be turned off properly. 951 00:54:10,080 --> 00:54:12,983 Cos you can't turn the traction control off completely. 952 00:54:13,050 --> 00:54:16,354 He'll say, "I need power and there isn't any!" 953 00:54:16,421 --> 00:54:18,589 Come on! Where's the power? 954 00:54:18,656 --> 00:54:20,458 Give me power! Give me power! 955 00:54:22,059 --> 00:54:24,028 Now, this one... Oh, shit. 956 00:54:27,765 --> 00:54:29,700 This is the really fast bit. 957 00:54:32,136 --> 00:54:34,805 Come on, baby! Come on. That's it. Give me power. 958 00:54:35,706 --> 00:54:38,509 Going in with big speed here. 959 00:54:38,576 --> 00:54:41,979 Now, brake early, early, early, early, early, 960 00:54:42,046 --> 00:54:43,348 and then turn in. 961 00:54:47,217 --> 00:54:48,386 Bury it. 962 00:54:53,858 --> 00:54:55,926 I'm gonna be miles faster than him. 963 00:54:55,993 --> 00:54:57,528 Well, you haven't even done any practice. 964 00:54:57,595 --> 00:54:59,163 - I know. - It's honestly not that simple. 965 00:54:59,229 --> 00:55:00,465 Yes, it is. 966 00:55:04,268 --> 00:55:05,503 Come on! 967 00:55:08,072 --> 00:55:10,375 Giving it all she can. That's it, there you go. 968 00:55:10,441 --> 00:55:12,410 Little burst and across the line. 969 00:55:15,580 --> 00:55:18,383 Five minutes 56 dead. 970 00:55:18,416 --> 00:55:20,084 - I don't know. 971 00:55:21,151 --> 00:55:22,653 - Five 56. - Dead. 972 00:55:22,720 --> 00:55:26,391 Yes! Or no! Did you see me at that last bit? 973 00:55:26,424 --> 00:55:29,627 The traction control just wouldn't let me put the power down there at all. 974 00:55:29,694 --> 00:55:32,062 It stopped! Did you see me stop there? 975 00:55:34,965 --> 00:55:37,101 - Why have you got a stopwatch? - To time him. 976 00:55:37,167 --> 00:55:38,836 No, no, no, no. Look. 977 00:55:38,903 --> 00:55:41,706 April 26th. - Oh, yeah. Yeah, OK. 978 00:55:41,772 --> 00:55:43,941 - April 26th at... - No, a better idea. 979 00:55:44,008 --> 00:55:47,044 Why don't we just chalk marks on the roof for every day? 980 00:55:47,111 --> 00:55:49,714 - Every time the sun comes up, OK, another mark. - Right. 981 00:55:50,615 --> 00:55:52,583 James May, you may begin 982 00:55:52,650 --> 00:55:55,319 in three, two, one. 983 00:55:55,420 --> 00:55:57,422 Now. 984 00:55:57,455 --> 00:56:02,159 And May is off for Great Britain and Germany in the Bentley! 985 00:56:02,226 --> 00:56:04,462 - He doesn't like heights. - No, he doesn't like heights. 986 00:56:04,529 --> 00:56:06,797 - He doesn't like speed. - Or slippery stuff. 987 00:56:06,864 --> 00:56:12,002 - So... everything he hates. 988 00:56:12,069 --> 00:56:14,639 JAMES: Despite the hostile environment, 989 00:56:14,705 --> 00:56:16,073 I was determined to dig deep 990 00:56:16,140 --> 00:56:18,776 for the honour of the Bentley badge. 991 00:56:22,046 --> 00:56:23,981 Slidey, slidey, slidey. 992 00:56:26,183 --> 00:56:27,452 Yes, Tarmac. 993 00:56:30,621 --> 00:56:32,657 Did you... Did you hear that? 994 00:56:32,723 --> 00:56:36,461 That was tyre squeal from James May. 995 00:56:38,563 --> 00:56:40,498 Up the ridge. 996 00:56:42,099 --> 00:56:43,468 Knock it down a cog. 997 00:56:44,301 --> 00:56:45,503 Oh, my God. 998 00:56:46,804 --> 00:56:47,972 Blimey! 999 00:56:48,038 --> 00:56:50,775 That wasn't very James May 1000 00:56:50,841 --> 00:56:52,710 He'll have frightened himself to death. 1001 00:56:54,745 --> 00:56:55,980 That's the dippy bit. 1002 00:56:57,281 --> 00:56:58,483 Look at this! 1003 00:57:09,293 --> 00:57:10,761 Oh! He got air! He got air! 1004 00:57:10,828 --> 00:57:12,196 I think he's being committed. 1005 00:57:14,231 --> 00:57:16,667 Jeremy, what if he beats me? 1006 00:57:16,734 --> 00:57:18,536 - Yeah. 1007 00:57:18,603 --> 00:57:22,372 - You'll die of shame and I'll die laughing. - Yeah, OK. 1008 00:57:22,507 --> 00:57:28,412 JEREMY: Try as he might, though, the old lady was losing time in the corners. 1009 00:57:28,513 --> 00:57:32,850 The trouble is, it is a two-and-a-half-tonne fairly long car, 1010 00:57:32,917 --> 00:57:35,720 and you can't change the laws of physics. 1011 00:57:37,622 --> 00:57:38,923 Cor! That's not good. 1012 00:57:41,559 --> 00:57:44,094 Oh, get it straight! Come on! 1013 00:57:46,263 --> 00:57:47,532 Oh, no! I overdid it. 1014 00:57:54,939 --> 00:57:56,073 Six minutes 16. 1015 00:57:56,140 --> 00:57:57,775 So he was 16... 1016 00:57:57,842 --> 00:58:02,613 18 seconds slower than you and his car is £212,000. 1017 00:58:02,680 --> 00:58:04,815 Say some more of that stuff. Write it down. 1018 00:58:06,617 --> 00:58:09,887 JEREMY: Finally, it was the turn of the best car here. 1019 00:58:11,121 --> 00:58:13,390 Three, two, one. 1020 00:58:13,457 --> 00:58:14,625 Begin! 1021 00:58:16,927 --> 00:58:20,197 He hasn't... done a single practice lap. 1022 00:58:21,632 --> 00:58:23,668 I mean, not one. 1023 00:58:23,734 --> 00:58:26,070 Traction control off. That's better. 1024 00:58:27,572 --> 00:58:29,574 And watch this! 1025 00:58:31,308 --> 00:58:33,343 Flick it in. Nicely done. 1026 00:58:33,410 --> 00:58:34,912 Flick it back the other way. 1027 00:58:36,581 --> 00:58:39,416 While he's driving, what do we think he's being 1028 00:58:39,483 --> 00:58:41,485 Self Quiet? 1029 00:58:41,586 --> 00:58:44,188 He probably isn't saying anything. He's probably concentrating. 1030 00:58:44,254 --> 00:58:46,624 Yes! 1031 00:58:47,792 --> 00:58:50,661 Oh, God, I'm good at everything. 1032 00:58:50,728 --> 00:58:52,997 However, in order to win this contest, 1033 00:58:53,063 --> 00:58:59,403 I had no intention of relying only on my supreme skills. 1034 00:58:59,469 --> 00:59:04,942 You see, the thing is, the Jaguar and the Bentley were designed as road cars 1035 00:59:05,009 --> 00:59:08,378 and then given some off-road ability. 1036 00:59:08,445 --> 00:59:11,949 Whereas the Range Rover was designed as an off-road car, 1037 00:59:12,016 --> 00:59:15,620 and then given some ability to work on the road. 1038 00:59:15,686 --> 00:59:17,287 It's only a subtle difference, 1039 00:59:17,354 --> 00:59:21,626 but it means I don't have to follow the beaten track. 1040 00:59:22,627 --> 00:59:24,294 I can take shortcuts. 1041 00:59:30,234 --> 00:59:33,270 It's such a clever car, it really is. 1042 00:59:35,973 --> 00:59:40,210 This car senses what sort of terrain it's driving over, 1043 00:59:40,277 --> 00:59:46,283 and then engages or disengages the differentials accordingly. 1044 00:59:46,350 --> 00:59:50,120 You could not come up here in the Bentley or the Jaguar. 1045 00:59:54,124 --> 00:59:55,860 - It's quiet. I can't hear it. 1046 00:59:55,926 --> 00:59:58,495 A pair of pants? Tin of beans 1047 00:59:58,562 --> 01:00:00,297 There'll be another stupid... 1048 01:00:00,364 --> 01:00:03,100 "You get ordinary ones and mine's just the best." 1049 01:00:06,136 --> 01:00:09,239 The Range Rover can wade through water 1050 01:00:09,306 --> 01:00:10,975 nearly a metre deep. 1051 01:00:13,377 --> 01:00:14,779 And look at it! 1052 01:00:14,845 --> 01:00:16,981 What a machine you are! 1053 01:00:18,248 --> 01:00:20,250 Now we just pump back up the hill. 1054 01:00:21,485 --> 01:00:22,687 Power! 1055 01:00:22,753 --> 01:00:24,689 Power now! 1056 01:00:24,755 --> 01:00:26,724 - There he is. 1057 01:00:26,791 --> 01:00:28,592 - No, hang on a minute. - No, he's there, look. 1058 01:00:28,659 --> 01:00:30,795 - No, but... 1059 01:00:32,362 --> 01:00:34,098 And across the line. 1060 01:00:36,033 --> 01:00:39,036 He's almost two minutes quicker than you were. 1061 01:00:39,904 --> 01:00:41,205 That's not possible. 1062 01:00:46,610 --> 01:00:49,847 - That. - A, your car's all wet, which it shouldn't be. 1063 01:00:49,914 --> 01:00:52,516 And you're almost two minutes faster than Hammond. 1064 01:00:52,582 --> 01:00:54,484 Yes, but, you see, the thing is, 1065 01:00:54,551 --> 01:00:57,121 you can buy a cheap car, like a Jaguar, 1066 01:00:57,187 --> 01:00:59,356 or you can buy an expensive car, 1067 01:00:59,423 --> 01:01:00,657 like a Bent-- 1068 01:01:04,895 --> 01:01:07,732 Cheat! Cheat! He just cheated. 1069 01:01:07,765 --> 01:01:09,499 A total waste of time, that whole film. 1070 01:01:09,566 --> 01:01:12,369 A total waste of time. Range Rover, two minutes faster. 1071 01:01:12,436 --> 01:01:14,304 You cheated, simple as that. 1072 01:01:14,371 --> 01:01:18,042 Anyway, look, if we can just put the bickering aside for one moment, 1073 01:01:18,108 --> 01:01:19,643 I have to say, that little Jag was, 1074 01:01:19,744 --> 01:01:22,780 and it really was, brilliant. And it was designed 1075 01:01:22,847 --> 01:01:26,050 by a local boy, Ian Callum, born in Dumfries. 1076 01:01:26,116 --> 01:01:29,653 He didn't just do that. He also styled the Aston Martin DB7, 1077 01:01:29,754 --> 01:01:32,389 the DB9, the Vanquish, the Ford Puma, 1078 01:01:32,456 --> 01:01:34,191 the Escort Cosworth. 1079 01:01:34,258 --> 01:01:36,060 - Yeah, he's British. - Basically, yeah. 1080 01:01:36,126 --> 01:01:37,494 - Well, pretty much. 1081 01:01:37,561 --> 01:01:39,329 He is. He is. 1082 01:01:39,396 --> 01:01:42,767 Anyway, sadly, his new car isn't as good as a Range Rover. 1083 01:01:42,833 --> 01:01:44,601 Don't argue. It isn't. 1084 01:01:44,668 --> 01:01:47,805 And on that terrible disappointment for him, it's time to end. 1085 01:01:47,872 --> 01:01:49,139 Thank you so much for watching. 1086 01:01:49,206 --> 01:01:51,942 Thank you all so much for coming. 1087 01:01:52,009 --> 01:01:53,778 We'll see you next time. Goodbye.