1 00:00:59,026 --> 00:01:00,961 Hello, everybody! 2 00:01:01,028 --> 00:01:03,497 Hello! Hello! 3 00:01:07,535 --> 00:01:09,737 - Hello! 4 00:01:10,871 --> 00:01:12,773 Thank you so much. 5 00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:16,009 JEREMY: What a welcome. 6 00:01:16,144 --> 00:01:18,179 Hello. Thank you, everyone. 7 00:01:18,246 --> 00:01:20,381 Welcome to The Grand Tour, 8 00:01:20,448 --> 00:01:23,951 which this week comes to you from the shores of Loch Ness 9 00:01:24,017 --> 00:01:27,721 - in Scotland! 10 00:01:27,788 --> 00:01:28,989 Now... 11 00:01:29,056 --> 00:01:30,291 Exactly. 12 00:01:30,358 --> 00:01:32,059 Now, to most people around the world, 13 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:34,662 Scotland is just a bunch of scenery 14 00:01:34,728 --> 00:01:37,298 and Mel Gibson with some paint on his face. 15 00:01:37,365 --> 00:01:39,900 But actually it's a bit more than that. 16 00:01:39,967 --> 00:01:43,070 What we have here is a list of all the important things 17 00:01:43,171 --> 00:01:45,072 that were invented in America, OK? 18 00:01:45,173 --> 00:01:47,508 This is what the Germans came up with. 19 00:01:47,575 --> 00:01:49,877 Then we've got the English contribution. 20 00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:53,414 And then let's have a look at what France did. 21 00:01:55,416 --> 00:01:57,918 That's it. I'm not making that up. 22 00:01:57,985 --> 00:01:59,086 - And the pencil sharpener. 23 00:01:59,187 --> 00:02:00,654 - Oh, and the pencil sharpener! 24 00:02:00,721 --> 00:02:03,657 Now let's have a look at the list of things 25 00:02:03,724 --> 00:02:06,394 that were invented by Scottish people. 26 00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:08,662 RICHARD: It's just...! 27 00:02:10,598 --> 00:02:12,633 It's unbelievable! It's everything! 28 00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:16,570 Cordite. Cloning. Colour photography. 29 00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:18,472 Percussion cap. 30 00:02:18,539 --> 00:02:21,309 Golf, lime cordial. I mean, the list goes on and on. 31 00:02:21,375 --> 00:02:24,312 - Buick! - Hang on a minute. 32 00:02:24,378 --> 00:02:26,780 Why is the US Navy on there? 33 00:02:26,847 --> 00:02:30,484 Not joking, that was actually invented by a Scottish person. 34 00:02:30,551 --> 00:02:33,387 - So was the BBC, so was the SAS. 35 00:02:33,454 --> 00:02:36,590 All Special Forces, in fact. And I think I know why. 36 00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:39,693 If you are from Mexico or France or Italy, 37 00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:41,562 you wake up in the morning, open the curtains, 38 00:02:41,629 --> 00:02:43,997 it's a lovely day, think, "I'll go to the beach." 39 00:02:44,064 --> 00:02:46,767 In Scotland you open the curtains... 40 00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:48,402 it's damp and cold: 41 00:02:48,469 --> 00:02:50,604 "I'll go to the shed and I'll invent something." 42 00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:52,673 That's what's going on there. 43 00:02:52,740 --> 00:02:55,008 I'm surprised, actually, the English, 44 00:02:55,075 --> 00:02:58,078 don't just say that those are British inventions. 45 00:02:58,145 --> 00:03:00,514 Ah, yes, the Andy Murray syndrome. 46 00:03:02,250 --> 00:03:03,917 Let's be honest, this does happen a lot. 47 00:03:03,984 --> 00:03:05,953 OK. Alexander Graham Bell, 48 00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:07,588 when he was working away 49 00:03:07,655 --> 00:03:09,523 with his Bakelite and his wires in his shed, 50 00:03:09,590 --> 00:03:11,392 he was a Scottish crackpot. 51 00:03:12,293 --> 00:03:14,328 When he invented the telephone, 52 00:03:14,395 --> 00:03:16,430 he was a British genius! 53 00:03:16,497 --> 00:03:19,267 Exactly the same sort of thing happens with sport. 54 00:03:19,333 --> 00:03:21,369 Motor racing, Jackie Stewart. 55 00:03:21,435 --> 00:03:24,104 Three times Formula 1 World Champion. 56 00:03:24,171 --> 00:03:25,539 OK, he's British. 57 00:03:25,606 --> 00:03:29,277 Jim Clark. Two times Formula 1 World Champion. 58 00:03:29,277 --> 00:03:32,680 British. David Coulthard... Scottish. 59 00:03:36,284 --> 00:03:38,586 That's how it works! 60 00:03:38,652 --> 00:03:40,688 - It is, yes. - Maybe we should explain 61 00:03:40,754 --> 00:03:42,690 to people in America what's going on here. 62 00:03:42,756 --> 00:03:44,758 Yeah, exactly. Let me just clear this up for you. 63 00:03:44,825 --> 00:03:46,794 This is how it works on this side of the pond. 64 00:03:46,860 --> 00:03:49,730 This is Britain. This bit is England, where we're from. 65 00:03:49,797 --> 00:03:51,565 This bit's Scotland, where we are now. 66 00:03:51,632 --> 00:03:55,168 This bit's Wales, which is next to where I live. 67 00:03:55,303 --> 00:03:57,070 Exactly. The rules are very simple. 68 00:03:57,137 --> 00:03:58,606 If you're English 69 00:03:58,672 --> 00:04:01,074 and you become brilliant or do something brilliant, 70 00:04:01,141 --> 00:04:02,610 you remain English. 71 00:04:02,676 --> 00:04:04,312 If you're Scottish or Welsh 72 00:04:04,312 --> 00:04:05,779 and you do something brilliant, 73 00:04:05,846 --> 00:04:10,951 the English decide that you are, in fact, British. 74 00:04:11,018 --> 00:04:13,554 The English really are appalling, aren't they?! 75 00:04:13,621 --> 00:04:16,724 - RICHARD: They are! 76 00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:22,330 I tell you what, I love being in Scotland 77 00:04:22,330 --> 00:04:24,565 because everyone here speaks their mind. 78 00:04:24,632 --> 00:04:26,634 There's no ambiguity. 79 00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:29,002 The town of Larkhall in Scotland, their welcome sign, 80 00:04:29,069 --> 00:04:31,339 here we go. 81 00:04:37,378 --> 00:04:40,047 This is Scotland. 82 00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:42,215 It's not just words, either, it's actions. 83 00:04:42,350 --> 00:04:44,518 Do you remember that terrorist attack at Glasgow Airport 84 00:04:44,585 --> 00:04:46,186 a couple of years ago? 85 00:04:46,253 --> 00:04:48,922 Somebody tried to explode... bomb didn't go off. 86 00:04:48,989 --> 00:04:50,624 He ran off and he didn't get very far 87 00:04:50,691 --> 00:04:53,260 because this happened. 88 00:04:58,432 --> 00:05:01,669 The Scottish way. That is the Scottish way. 89 00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:05,606 And um... 90 00:05:05,673 --> 00:05:09,209 Interestingly, there have been no terrorist attacks in Scotland since. 91 00:05:09,276 --> 00:05:11,479 Just thinking about that for a second. 92 00:05:11,545 --> 00:05:13,113 When he kicked him, he must have broken his foot 93 00:05:13,180 --> 00:05:14,615 on the other guy's pelvis. 94 00:05:14,682 --> 00:05:16,784 - Yeah. - Which means the guy's plums 95 00:05:16,850 --> 00:05:19,987 were in the middle of the impact. 96 00:05:21,789 --> 00:05:23,391 When that terrorist woke up that morning, 97 00:05:23,424 --> 00:05:24,825 he must've thought, "Right, 98 00:05:24,892 --> 00:05:26,994 "The worst thing that'll happen to me today 99 00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:28,161 is I'm gonna blow up." 100 00:05:28,228 --> 00:05:29,730 It wasn't, though, was it? 101 00:05:29,797 --> 00:05:32,833 Cos the only thing to explode was his knackers. 102 00:05:32,900 --> 00:05:35,403 - Yes. Good idea. 103 00:05:35,436 --> 00:05:38,271 Because in tonight's car programme... 104 00:05:38,406 --> 00:05:40,774 I urinate on an engine... 105 00:05:42,576 --> 00:05:44,712 Richard wears an anorak... 106 00:05:45,613 --> 00:05:48,482 and James takes drugs. 107 00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:52,753 But first, I want to talk about Fiat. 108 00:05:52,820 --> 00:05:55,088 They're mostly known these days for the 500, 109 00:05:55,155 --> 00:05:56,990 which is a small retro hatchback. 110 00:05:57,057 --> 00:05:58,992 But after an absence of more than a decade, 111 00:05:59,059 --> 00:06:01,294 they are back in the sports car game. 112 00:06:01,429 --> 00:06:03,030 So I went down to the Eboladrome 113 00:06:03,096 --> 00:06:04,998 to check out what they've come up with. 114 00:06:18,679 --> 00:06:22,450 Here it is. And as with the 500, 115 00:06:22,483 --> 00:06:23,817 you can tell straightaway 116 00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:27,455 that Fiat are playing the nostalgia card 117 00:06:27,488 --> 00:06:31,459 because this car is called the 124 Spider, 118 00:06:31,459 --> 00:06:36,730 in honour of their rear-wheel drive roadster from the '70s. 119 00:06:36,797 --> 00:06:38,799 Under the skin, though, 120 00:06:38,866 --> 00:06:44,171 the 124 is based on the thoroughly modern Mazda MX-5. 121 00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:47,608 Fiat supply some important things like the engine 122 00:06:47,675 --> 00:06:49,309 and the body, 123 00:06:49,376 --> 00:06:50,778 but both cars are built 124 00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:53,013 on the same production line in Japan. 125 00:06:55,148 --> 00:06:57,518 On the surface, that is no bad thing. 126 00:06:57,585 --> 00:06:59,487 You're gonna sleep a lot better at night 127 00:06:59,487 --> 00:07:01,154 knowing that your Italian car 128 00:07:01,221 --> 00:07:04,057 was actually put together by the Japanese. 129 00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:06,860 However, it does raise a question. 130 00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:09,797 Is that a sports car in its own right, 131 00:07:09,863 --> 00:07:13,867 or just a Mazda with a different badge on? 132 00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:15,769 Well, before we find out, 133 00:07:15,836 --> 00:07:18,038 let's look a bit more closely at the badge. 134 00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:21,108 Because you'll notice it says Abarth. 135 00:07:23,544 --> 00:07:25,613 Abarth are Fiat's go- to people 136 00:07:25,679 --> 00:07:29,182 when they want to light a fire under one of their cars. 137 00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:33,353 Not light an actual fire, but give what's already there 138 00:07:33,420 --> 00:07:37,024 some extra zest and zing and fire. 139 00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:44,397 For starters, Abarth has tuned the 1.4 litre turbo- charged engine, 140 00:07:44,532 --> 00:07:49,670 so that this, the hottest 124, is faster than any MX- 5. 141 00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:54,708 0- 60 takes 6.8 seconds. 142 00:07:56,877 --> 00:08:02,082 And the top speed is 145mph. 143 00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:06,554 But in a car like this that feels like 145 million. 144 00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:10,758 Certainly bundles for me. 145 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:16,196 And it's not just performance where the 124 has the edge 146 00:08:16,263 --> 00:08:19,867 over its Japanese half- brother. 147 00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:21,835 I have to admit, and this comes from someone 148 00:08:21,902 --> 00:08:25,205 who struggles to find fault with the MX- 5, 149 00:08:25,272 --> 00:08:28,008 the 124 does sound better. 150 00:08:30,711 --> 00:08:35,282 Abarth have given it something called the Record Monza exhaust system. 151 00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:40,453 What it does is make a small car produce a big- car noise. 152 00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:50,898 It's like a cat in a lion suit 153 00:08:50,964 --> 00:08:53,601 and that's exactly the sort of panto you want. 154 00:08:55,435 --> 00:08:58,371 What I'm saying here is that this car does its own thing. 155 00:08:58,438 --> 00:09:01,141 It has its own personality. And that's important. 156 00:09:03,744 --> 00:09:07,848 But on the next point, the 124 does take a bit of a body blow. 157 00:09:10,684 --> 00:09:15,322 You see, there's a price to pay for all this Abarth- ness. 158 00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:18,959 And that price is £30,000. 159 00:09:19,026 --> 00:09:22,630 £5,000 more than the top MX- 5. 160 00:09:22,630 --> 00:09:27,467 That said, the 124 does give you more under the skin, 161 00:09:27,534 --> 00:09:32,339 most notably in the handling department. 162 00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:37,144 The thing is, Abarth have given this car a limited- slip diff... 163 00:09:37,210 --> 00:09:40,814 which makes sliding something you command. 164 00:09:49,322 --> 00:09:51,792 The MX- 5 doesn't have that. 165 00:09:51,859 --> 00:09:54,561 Neither does it have this sport button here, 166 00:09:54,662 --> 00:09:57,665 which relaxes the stability control. 167 00:09:58,498 --> 00:09:59,733 Quite a lot. 168 00:10:11,344 --> 00:10:14,514 So, what we have here is a car that's fast, 169 00:10:14,581 --> 00:10:17,951 sounds good and is great fun in the corners. 170 00:10:20,353 --> 00:10:24,057 But there's something else very important about the 124. 171 00:10:28,261 --> 00:10:30,563 I don't know that there's really a million miles of difference 172 00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:32,900 between this and the MX- 5. 173 00:10:35,435 --> 00:10:39,139 But everything I do in this car I'm doing in an Italian sports car. 174 00:10:41,608 --> 00:10:45,913 And it is impossible for that not to put you in a good mood. 175 00:10:47,414 --> 00:10:51,752 It does feel so good to be in a small, Italian roadster again. 176 00:10:51,819 --> 00:10:54,755 It's about time. 177 00:10:54,822 --> 00:10:59,092 Everything about this little Fiat is designed to stir the emotions. 178 00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:01,929 And make you smile like a child. 179 00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:04,798 Right down to the retro black bonnet. 180 00:11:04,865 --> 00:11:07,167 God, I love a black bonnet! 181 00:11:07,234 --> 00:11:09,602 It just... Ooh! 182 00:11:09,737 --> 00:11:11,739 It's just...a black bonnet. 183 00:11:11,805 --> 00:11:15,876 Only cool cars have black bonnets. Fact! 184 00:11:15,943 --> 00:11:18,511 I really like the MX- 5. 185 00:11:18,578 --> 00:11:22,115 But the 124 has taken those Japanese foundations 186 00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:24,852 and added some Italian showmanship. 187 00:11:26,887 --> 00:11:29,757 That's why I'd have it over the Mazda. 188 00:11:29,790 --> 00:11:32,993 I don't just like it, I love it. 189 00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:43,070 It's interesting that, because... 190 00:11:43,136 --> 00:11:46,373 ..as you know, I'm a sucker for an Italian sports car. 191 00:11:46,439 --> 00:11:49,176 Love 'em to bits especially the Alfa. 192 00:11:49,242 --> 00:11:53,046 However, I've driven an ordinary, cooking Fiat 124 193 00:11:53,113 --> 00:11:56,984 and that is not as good as an MX- 5, not even close. 194 00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:59,052 That's true. You'd be better off with the MX- 5. 195 00:11:59,119 --> 00:12:01,789 Unless you want the fastest MX- 5, 196 00:12:01,789 --> 00:12:03,256 in which case buy the Abarth. 197 00:12:03,323 --> 00:12:07,828 - Quite. - Have we just done consumer advice? 198 00:12:07,895 --> 00:12:10,197 A little bit. A little bit. Moving on quickly. 199 00:12:10,263 --> 00:12:12,199 Yes, we will, move it on. And we'll find out 200 00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:15,235 how fast the Abarth goes round the Eboladrome. 201 00:12:15,302 --> 00:12:17,104 That, of course, means handing it over to a man 202 00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:19,940 who thinks that beards were invented by Lenin. 203 00:12:20,007 --> 00:12:23,243 Yep. It's the American. 204 00:12:23,310 --> 00:12:25,913 There he is, poised and ready. 205 00:12:25,979 --> 00:12:27,981 And he's off. 206 00:12:28,048 --> 00:12:29,950 With a skitter of wheelspin 207 00:12:30,017 --> 00:12:31,584 and a fruity noise from the exhaust. 208 00:12:31,651 --> 00:12:36,623 Straight onto a soaking-wet Isn't Strait. 209 00:12:36,689 --> 00:12:38,959 What the hell... 210 00:12:39,026 --> 00:12:41,995 has happened in my life... 211 00:12:42,062 --> 00:12:44,497 that I'm over here driving a Fiat... 212 00:12:44,564 --> 00:12:47,500 in the wet in England? 213 00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:51,071 He may not be enjoying it but he is very good at it. 214 00:12:51,138 --> 00:12:54,341 As he carves the 124 through the standing water, 215 00:12:54,407 --> 00:12:58,711 making the best use of its 170 horsepower. 216 00:12:58,846 --> 00:13:02,249 Really leaning on it as he approaches Your Name Here. 217 00:13:02,315 --> 00:13:03,716 That is ballsy. 218 00:13:03,851 --> 00:13:05,085 Now, heavy on the brakes, 219 00:13:05,152 --> 00:13:08,355 swoops round this fast left-hander, 220 00:13:08,421 --> 00:13:12,425 and exits with a skilful flurry of stylish over-steer. 221 00:13:12,492 --> 00:13:14,161 Back onto the Isn't. 222 00:13:14,227 --> 00:13:16,897 Hell, I don't know whether to drive this thing 223 00:13:16,964 --> 00:13:18,866 or use it for a spit-cup. 224 00:13:18,899 --> 00:13:20,934 Charming! 225 00:13:21,001 --> 00:13:22,269 Nerds will note these conditions 226 00:13:22,335 --> 00:13:24,872 would be better suited to a Barchetta. 227 00:13:24,872 --> 00:13:26,439 If you like this car, 228 00:13:26,506 --> 00:13:29,877 I bet you got a lot of fancy cushions in your house. 229 00:13:29,877 --> 00:13:31,278 Yeah, cos as we know, 230 00:13:31,344 --> 00:13:33,313 cushions are, of course, Communist. 231 00:13:33,380 --> 00:13:38,118 Right, into the tight complex of Old Lady's House. 232 00:13:38,185 --> 00:13:40,453 Keeping it nice and tidy through there. 233 00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:44,591 And now full power for the lumpy, bumpy sprint 234 00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:46,493 down to Substation. 235 00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:48,996 Front hazards coming on under hard braking. 236 00:13:49,062 --> 00:13:50,998 All Fiats do that for some reason. 237 00:13:51,064 --> 00:13:53,366 Armful of opposite lock into Field Of Sheep. 238 00:13:53,433 --> 00:13:57,304 More exuberance through there and across the line. 239 00:14:03,610 --> 00:14:05,979 It was a ballsy entry into Your Name Here, that was. 240 00:14:06,046 --> 00:14:11,084 Anyway...we must now find out where it ends up on the board. 241 00:14:11,151 --> 00:14:12,953 Let's have a look. 242 00:14:13,020 --> 00:14:15,956 Oh, dear. Oh, dear, Hammond. 243 00:14:16,023 --> 00:14:17,958 So you've recommended what is 244 00:14:18,025 --> 00:14:20,327 officially the slowest car in the world. 245 00:14:20,393 --> 00:14:23,830 Well... No, slowest car on our board. 246 00:14:23,931 --> 00:14:25,765 - Our board is the world. - It is. 247 00:14:25,832 --> 00:14:27,935 All right. Look, it was wet. 248 00:14:27,935 --> 00:14:31,338 That lake's wet. Someone once did 200mph on that. 249 00:14:31,404 --> 00:14:33,740 - And... - Then they were killed, I admit. 250 00:14:33,806 --> 00:14:35,042 - But... - Quite, quite. 251 00:14:35,108 --> 00:14:36,343 Let's move on. It's time now 252 00:14:36,409 --> 00:14:38,378 for us to take a gentle cruise 253 00:14:38,445 --> 00:14:42,315 down the velvety smoothness of Conversation Street. 254 00:14:50,057 --> 00:14:51,591 - That really hurts. - It did! 255 00:14:51,658 --> 00:14:53,726 Just to be absolutely clear with you, 256 00:14:53,793 --> 00:14:55,495 that really, really hurt. 257 00:14:55,562 --> 00:15:00,133 Yeah. It was supposed to be a pretend bottle. 258 00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:03,236 - Let's move it on. - I would like to converse about something important. 259 00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:06,439 Why is it that we have leather seats in cars? 260 00:15:06,506 --> 00:15:08,976 Because in reality it's a terrible material. 261 00:15:09,009 --> 00:15:10,443 It's too shiny and slippery. 262 00:15:10,510 --> 00:15:13,046 It's too hot or it's too cold. It's rubbish. 263 00:15:13,113 --> 00:15:15,315 I think it's cos we got hung up on the idea 264 00:15:15,382 --> 00:15:18,418 that leather is somehow posh on a car seat. 265 00:15:18,485 --> 00:15:19,886 But it didn't use to be like that. 266 00:15:19,987 --> 00:15:21,354 In the old days, the posh people sat 267 00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:23,490 in the back of the car on cloth seats, 268 00:15:23,556 --> 00:15:25,258 and it was the chauffeur sitting at the front-- 269 00:15:25,325 --> 00:15:26,994 they gave him leather because it's hard-wearing. 270 00:15:26,994 --> 00:15:29,296 I've got a picture here of an old car. 271 00:15:29,362 --> 00:15:32,332 They didn't even extend the roof to cover him! 272 00:15:32,399 --> 00:15:33,766 Another three feet would have done it. 273 00:15:33,833 --> 00:15:35,335 I think that's deliberate. 274 00:15:35,402 --> 00:15:37,704 I think that's to remind him that he's scum! 275 00:15:39,339 --> 00:15:42,009 What would you two like to have instead of leather? 276 00:15:42,075 --> 00:15:43,843 There's all sorts of things you could use. 277 00:15:43,910 --> 00:15:45,845 You could have cable-knit wool. 278 00:15:45,912 --> 00:15:50,117 But it's nice, it's cosy. Desperately looking around. 279 00:15:50,183 --> 00:15:53,020 - His jumper would make quite a good car seat. - Cosy. 280 00:15:53,086 --> 00:15:55,722 It's nylon! It is! 281 00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:58,358 Or pleblon. One of the two. 282 00:15:58,425 --> 00:16:01,228 - It's a good idea. - It isn't a good idea! 283 00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:03,363 Or, how's this for an idea? 284 00:16:03,430 --> 00:16:05,232 Let me just throw it out there. 285 00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:07,200 Why not take a cow, 286 00:16:07,267 --> 00:16:10,370 turn the middle of it into burgers and steaks, 287 00:16:10,437 --> 00:16:13,106 and then, instead of throwing the skin away, 288 00:16:13,173 --> 00:16:15,542 use it to cover the seats of your car? 289 00:16:15,608 --> 00:16:18,811 Because it's a terrible material and it doesn't work. 290 00:16:18,878 --> 00:16:20,213 That's only because you two 291 00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:22,049 have decided to be vegetarians. 292 00:16:22,115 --> 00:16:23,483 Well, no, hang on... 293 00:16:23,550 --> 00:16:26,153 They have. They actually have. 294 00:16:26,219 --> 00:16:28,121 They woke up together one morning and went, 295 00:16:28,188 --> 00:16:29,422 "Let's not eat meat any more." 296 00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:32,625 We didn't wake up together one morning. 297 00:16:32,692 --> 00:16:34,527 - Get clear on that. - It's a fine definition. 298 00:16:34,594 --> 00:16:37,630 Mysteriously arrived at the same conclusion 299 00:16:37,697 --> 00:16:38,931 pretty much the same day. 300 00:16:39,066 --> 00:16:40,433 Anyway, we still eat chicken. 301 00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:42,302 Yep. Chicken is a vegetable. 302 00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:44,571 - It isn't. - It is. 303 00:16:44,637 --> 00:16:47,307 Scientifically, chicken is a vegetable. 304 00:16:47,374 --> 00:16:50,110 If you cut a chicken's head off it still runs around. 305 00:16:50,177 --> 00:16:51,611 There you go. 306 00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:53,446 Thereby proving it's not a sentient being, 307 00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:55,182 it's a higher-order vegetable. 308 00:16:55,248 --> 00:16:56,583 Scientifically. 309 00:16:56,649 --> 00:16:58,585 OK, we'll make the seats of your cars 310 00:16:58,651 --> 00:17:01,088 out of chicken skins. Actually, that's not a bad idea. 311 00:17:01,154 --> 00:17:05,592 Wouldn't a chicken-skin seat look like a giant scrotum? 312 00:17:05,658 --> 00:17:08,295 Yes, and that's your fault for not eating meat. 313 00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:10,397 So now let's move on, shall we? 314 00:17:10,463 --> 00:17:13,600 I've got something. Back in the 1920s, OK, 315 00:17:13,666 --> 00:17:15,302 a Scottish company made a car 316 00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:17,537 which they said was for women. 317 00:17:17,604 --> 00:17:20,140 Got a picture of it here. It's called the Galloway. 318 00:17:20,207 --> 00:17:23,776 What about that car makes it for women? 319 00:17:23,843 --> 00:17:27,347 Well, they said it had a smaller-than-usual steering wheel 320 00:17:27,414 --> 00:17:30,450 - and a more reliable engine. - Oh, yeah, of course, 321 00:17:30,517 --> 00:17:32,552 because men don't want a reliable engine, do they? 322 00:17:32,619 --> 00:17:34,287 - It's only women! - I hate reliable engines. 323 00:17:34,354 --> 00:17:35,922 Also, you can drive it standing up, 324 00:17:35,988 --> 00:17:38,125 which is what women did in the 1920s. 325 00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:39,459 This sort of thing is still going on today 326 00:17:39,526 --> 00:17:40,960 because I've got news of one here. 327 00:17:41,027 --> 00:17:42,395 A car that's been launched 328 00:17:42,462 --> 00:17:45,332 called the Seat Mii Cosmopolitan. 329 00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:47,234 We have a picture of it. There you go. 330 00:17:47,300 --> 00:17:50,137 - M-I-I. 331 00:17:50,203 --> 00:17:53,240 - It's Mii-iii. - It is Mii-iii. 332 00:17:53,306 --> 00:17:56,476 "I've got a Mii-iii." 333 00:17:56,543 --> 00:17:58,378 It's been done in collaboration 334 00:17:58,445 --> 00:17:59,646 with Cosmopolitan magazine. 335 00:17:59,712 --> 00:18:01,314 "It's aimed at Cosmo Girl," it says. 336 00:18:01,381 --> 00:18:02,615 And, are you ready? 337 00:18:02,682 --> 00:18:04,451 "The headlights have an eyeliner shape." 338 00:18:04,517 --> 00:18:07,887 - No, they don't. - "It's easy to park." 339 00:18:07,954 --> 00:18:09,422 Oh, yeah, cos... 340 00:18:09,489 --> 00:18:11,624 I much prefer a car that's hard to park 341 00:18:11,691 --> 00:18:13,793 because I'm a man. 342 00:18:13,860 --> 00:18:15,428 Can we get something clear here 343 00:18:15,495 --> 00:18:18,431 This gender-splitting of cars is ridiculous. 344 00:18:18,498 --> 00:18:20,600 It's like saying a woman's airline seat 345 00:18:20,667 --> 00:18:23,836 or a woman's matches or a woman's anything. 346 00:18:23,903 --> 00:18:26,573 "Can I buy a box of women's pencils, please?" 347 00:18:26,639 --> 00:18:30,410 Exactly. The only things I can think of that can be split by gender 348 00:18:30,477 --> 00:18:34,247 - are bicycles, because of the crossbar. - Yeah. 349 00:18:34,314 --> 00:18:37,317 - And underwear. - Sometimes, yeah. 350 00:18:42,021 --> 00:18:43,390 I said that out... 351 00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:51,198 I left in a hurry. 352 00:18:51,231 --> 00:18:53,366 Honestly, I just can't understand 353 00:18:53,433 --> 00:18:55,202 why people think there's such a thing 354 00:18:55,202 --> 00:18:57,604 - as a woman's car and a man's car. - Ridiculous. 355 00:18:57,670 --> 00:18:59,239 It's not as if you drive cars 356 00:18:59,306 --> 00:19:01,274 with your old chap or your magic triangle. 357 00:19:01,341 --> 00:19:03,410 And there's um... 358 00:19:09,749 --> 00:19:12,585 - Listen... - It's a little graphic. 359 00:19:13,786 --> 00:19:16,122 But a few years ago, Volvo did a concept car, 360 00:19:16,223 --> 00:19:17,457 and they boasted very loudly 361 00:19:17,524 --> 00:19:19,426 that the whole thing had been designed 362 00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:21,394 entirely by women. 363 00:19:21,461 --> 00:19:23,496 And I've got a picture of it. 364 00:19:23,563 --> 00:19:25,932 It's a coupe with gull-wing doors and a massive engine. 365 00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:27,267 It's what everyone would do. 366 00:19:27,334 --> 00:19:29,236 I would definitely have done that. Exactly. 367 00:19:29,269 --> 00:19:30,437 Men and women are exactly the same 368 00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:32,071 when it comes to cars. The end. 369 00:19:32,138 --> 00:19:33,306 - Exactly. - Right. Now... 370 00:19:33,373 --> 00:19:34,841 You know Tesla? 371 00:19:34,907 --> 00:19:37,910 Tesla believes it's pioneering the electric car. 372 00:19:37,977 --> 00:19:40,547 But that ain't so. There was a Scottish company back in the '60s 373 00:19:40,613 --> 00:19:42,282 which made an electric car. 374 00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:45,418 - I've got a picture of it here. - RICHARD: Oh, God! 375 00:19:45,485 --> 00:19:46,986 It's called The Scamp. 376 00:19:47,053 --> 00:19:49,922 It had a top speed of 35mph, 377 00:19:49,989 --> 00:19:51,624 a range of 20 miles. 378 00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:54,093 And I want to make it absolutely plain, 379 00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:55,995 that's Scottish, not British. 380 00:19:56,062 --> 00:19:59,666 It is, yes! Very definitely! 381 00:19:59,732 --> 00:20:01,868 That... that is Scottish. 382 00:20:04,103 --> 00:20:05,272 We can end the conversation. 383 00:20:05,338 --> 00:20:07,807 Now, all over the world, 384 00:20:07,874 --> 00:20:11,010 people, by and large, buy very boring cars. 385 00:20:11,077 --> 00:20:14,314 I met a man yesterday who'd just spent £8,000 386 00:20:14,381 --> 00:20:15,548 on a five-year-old Ford Focus. 387 00:20:15,615 --> 00:20:17,650 I thought, "Why did you do that? 388 00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:19,319 If you've got £8,000 to spend, 389 00:20:19,386 --> 00:20:21,621 why didn't you buy a used Maserati?" 390 00:20:21,688 --> 00:20:23,756 I think it's because people believe 391 00:20:23,823 --> 00:20:27,727 if you buy the used, exotic Italian car for £8,000 392 00:20:27,794 --> 00:20:29,496 it's going to break down all the time. 393 00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:31,798 Yes, but will it? To find out, 394 00:20:31,864 --> 00:20:34,701 we actually put our own money on the line, 395 00:20:34,767 --> 00:20:38,705 and we each went out and bought a second- hand Maserati. 396 00:20:38,771 --> 00:20:41,741 Yes, and then we decided that cars this glamorous 397 00:20:41,808 --> 00:20:45,445 and this exciting couldn't possibly be tested in Britain. 398 00:20:45,512 --> 00:20:50,383 So we decided to meet up in continental Europe. 399 00:20:56,656 --> 00:21:01,561 This is the race track we selected. 400 00:21:01,628 --> 00:21:04,331 It's just 60 miles from Calais, 401 00:21:04,331 --> 00:21:06,533 and I arrived bright and early. 402 00:21:13,940 --> 00:21:16,943 This...is a Maserati Biturbo. 403 00:21:17,009 --> 00:21:21,681 First car in the world to be fitted with two turbo chargers. 404 00:21:21,748 --> 00:21:25,452 And this particular example is the sought-after S model. 405 00:21:25,518 --> 00:21:29,356 And it's only done 24,000 miles. 406 00:21:29,356 --> 00:21:35,362 And yet despite that, all I paid for it was £7,950. 407 00:21:35,428 --> 00:21:39,799 So you get all this glamour, all this power, 408 00:21:39,866 --> 00:21:43,403 all that badge for less than you'd pay in the UK 409 00:21:43,470 --> 00:21:45,972 for a six-year-old Toyota "Pious". 410 00:21:50,710 --> 00:21:54,647 Why has Richard Hammond arrived in a Ford Cortina? 411 00:21:54,714 --> 00:21:59,752 Wait. It isn't a Ford Cortina, it's another Biturbo! 412 00:21:59,819 --> 00:22:02,989 - No, this is the 430. - It isn't! 413 00:22:03,055 --> 00:22:04,391 - It is! - Biturbo. 414 00:22:04,457 --> 00:22:05,625 This isn't a Biturbo. 415 00:22:05,692 --> 00:22:06,926 - It is! - That's a Biturbo. 416 00:22:06,993 --> 00:22:08,260 Hammond. 417 00:22:08,395 --> 00:22:09,762 I'm sorry to have to tell you this. 418 00:22:09,829 --> 00:22:12,632 But the Ghibli, the Racing, 419 00:22:12,699 --> 00:22:15,635 the Karif, the Shamal, the 222 and the 430, 420 00:22:15,702 --> 00:22:18,405 they were all the same car. They haven't got any money. 421 00:22:18,471 --> 00:22:20,440 They just changed the name badge on the back. 422 00:22:20,507 --> 00:22:21,941 These are the same car. 423 00:22:22,008 --> 00:22:24,444 Yours is very ugly, but it's the same car. 424 00:22:24,511 --> 00:22:25,778 I dispute that. 425 00:22:25,845 --> 00:22:27,680 This is not ugly, this is elegant. 426 00:22:27,747 --> 00:22:29,449 - This is Italian style. - It isn't! 427 00:22:29,516 --> 00:22:32,284 That is a fabulous-looking car. Let's look at this. 428 00:22:32,419 --> 00:22:34,687 What have you got? It's a bit gaudy, mate. 429 00:22:34,754 --> 00:22:36,789 You wanna hear this baby fire up. 430 00:22:39,225 --> 00:22:41,227 Get out! Save yourself! 431 00:22:41,293 --> 00:22:44,263 - Yes! 432 00:22:44,330 --> 00:22:45,532 Feel the power of that! 433 00:22:45,598 --> 00:22:47,534 Have you seen all this-- 434 00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:49,536 there's no other word for it 435 00:22:49,602 --> 00:22:51,103 Yeah, that... 436 00:22:51,170 --> 00:22:52,204 - Yeah. - Yeah. 437 00:22:52,271 --> 00:22:53,573 Happily, 438 00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:55,274 before any more could flood out, 439 00:22:55,341 --> 00:22:56,943 James arrived. 440 00:22:59,879 --> 00:23:04,784 Have you ever seen a more ungainly 441 00:23:04,851 --> 00:23:06,786 What's the matter? Is your door broken? 442 00:23:06,853 --> 00:23:09,656 No, I'm broken. Can you hold the door for me? Thank you. 443 00:23:09,722 --> 00:23:14,761 Behold...the Maserati Zagato Spyder. 444 00:23:14,827 --> 00:23:17,063 - Biturbo, mate. - Zagato Spyder. 445 00:23:17,129 --> 00:23:18,465 All Biturbos. 446 00:23:18,531 --> 00:23:20,467 I think this was designed 447 00:23:20,533 --> 00:23:21,968 when it was owned by Citroen, 448 00:23:22,034 --> 00:23:24,070 which was bankrupt at the time. 449 00:23:24,136 --> 00:23:25,738 Then there was some guy in America 450 00:23:25,805 --> 00:23:27,574 who had a bit of Maserati. 451 00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:29,341 And then the Italian Government, or Fiat, 452 00:23:29,476 --> 00:23:31,243 they all sort of had bits of it. 453 00:23:31,310 --> 00:23:33,746 They ran around going, "We made a new car. Look." 454 00:23:33,813 --> 00:23:35,982 It was exactly the same, it just had a new name. 455 00:23:36,048 --> 00:23:39,051 Excuse me, James. I just want to see just... 456 00:23:39,118 --> 00:23:41,488 Oh, you've got two-tone leather. 457 00:23:41,488 --> 00:23:43,523 But why have you got an automatic? 458 00:23:43,590 --> 00:23:45,592 I've bust my arm. 459 00:23:45,658 --> 00:23:47,560 That's why it took a long time to get out. 460 00:23:47,627 --> 00:23:48,795 Have you really broken your arm? 461 00:23:48,861 --> 00:23:50,262 Which arm have you broken? 462 00:23:52,932 --> 00:23:55,101 It has made me murderously bad-tempered 463 00:23:55,167 --> 00:23:57,737 and intolerant of your fatuousness. 464 00:23:57,804 --> 00:23:59,171 Have you seriously broken your arm? 465 00:23:59,238 --> 00:24:00,740 It's fractured quite badly. 466 00:24:00,807 --> 00:24:02,842 - Don't touch it. 467 00:24:02,909 --> 00:24:05,745 - I fell over. - That's why you got an automatic? 468 00:24:05,812 --> 00:24:08,180 - Yes. 469 00:24:08,247 --> 00:24:10,650 - No. - There's a button on the front. 470 00:24:11,851 --> 00:24:14,521 - Oh, right. So it is manual. - Yes. 471 00:24:14,587 --> 00:24:16,756 Anyway, we must get off. Come on, let's drive on. 472 00:24:16,823 --> 00:24:19,125 Can you put the roof back up for me? 473 00:24:19,191 --> 00:24:21,060 No! I'm not doing that. 474 00:24:23,763 --> 00:24:28,200 We decided first of all to have a drag race, 475 00:24:28,267 --> 00:24:32,271 between our cars and a similarly-priced modern car... 476 00:24:32,338 --> 00:24:34,541 the Suzuki "Celery". 477 00:24:39,111 --> 00:24:40,547 Tense moment. 478 00:24:48,888 --> 00:24:51,624 Sadly, however, the pit straight was too narrow 479 00:24:51,691 --> 00:24:53,626 for our four cars. 480 00:24:55,294 --> 00:24:57,463 What are you doing? 481 00:24:57,564 --> 00:24:59,599 Hammond, you idiot! 482 00:25:03,836 --> 00:25:06,573 - You crashed into my Maserati! - You crashed into mine! 483 00:25:06,573 --> 00:25:08,440 I've got nowhere to go. There's a barrier there. 484 00:25:08,575 --> 00:25:11,243 There was nowhere for me to go. I was where I was. 485 00:25:12,612 --> 00:25:14,814 So, for the second attempt... 486 00:25:16,783 --> 00:25:19,819 I volunteered to go down the pit lane. 487 00:25:21,654 --> 00:25:23,690 Yes, this is genius! 488 00:25:25,658 --> 00:25:27,994 And that didn't work, either. 489 00:25:28,060 --> 00:25:30,597 Re-emerging on the track. Hammond is there. 490 00:25:30,597 --> 00:25:31,898 What the hell? 491 00:25:31,964 --> 00:25:34,667 Oh, shit! 492 00:25:36,068 --> 00:25:37,604 Oh, my God! 493 00:25:37,637 --> 00:25:40,807 Arg! 494 00:25:40,873 --> 00:25:43,375 Why the hell can't we just do a drag race properly? 495 00:25:43,442 --> 00:25:45,511 It can't be that difficult. 496 00:25:45,612 --> 00:25:48,781 After this latest accident, we decided that, 497 00:25:48,848 --> 00:25:52,384 as Hammond's car had the biggest engine... 498 00:25:52,451 --> 00:25:55,788 he'd represent Maserati's honour on his own. 499 00:25:56,956 --> 00:26:00,226 OK, this is it. I am the elected driver. 500 00:26:01,360 --> 00:26:04,631 The chosen one. The kingpin. 501 00:26:06,498 --> 00:26:07,800 I like that. 502 00:26:12,304 --> 00:26:14,173 Massive amount of bleeping about... 503 00:26:15,274 --> 00:26:18,010 But then... 504 00:26:18,077 --> 00:26:23,049 Finally, it spools up, turbos whizzing away. 505 00:26:26,518 --> 00:26:29,221 And yes! Absolutely creamed it! 506 00:26:31,090 --> 00:26:33,993 Yep, they were right to pick me. 507 00:26:34,060 --> 00:26:37,930 And the car, the 430...Maserati. 508 00:26:40,066 --> 00:26:41,734 Now you've established that, as a team, 509 00:26:41,801 --> 00:26:44,370 our twin turbo-charged Maseratis are faster 510 00:26:44,436 --> 00:26:46,706 than a 67-horsepower "Celery", 511 00:26:46,773 --> 00:26:49,275 let's get rid of the little Japanese car 512 00:26:49,341 --> 00:26:52,745 and find out which of our three cars 513 00:26:52,812 --> 00:26:55,014 is the fastest round the track. 514 00:26:55,081 --> 00:26:56,949 We'll be driving Maseratis 515 00:26:57,016 --> 00:26:59,518 on a race track in continental Europe. 516 00:26:59,585 --> 00:27:01,220 Sounds good, doesn't it? 517 00:27:01,287 --> 00:27:03,956 What's the matter with you? Why do you look so miserable? 518 00:27:05,992 --> 00:27:07,994 I've broken my arm. 519 00:27:08,060 --> 00:27:09,595 If we're gonna drive round a track, 520 00:27:09,696 --> 00:27:12,932 can I at least have one of those disabled knob things? 521 00:27:12,999 --> 00:27:15,034 - You know. 522 00:27:15,101 --> 00:27:16,703 Yeah, like a forklift truck has. 523 00:27:16,703 --> 00:27:17,904 Sounds fair enough. 524 00:27:20,272 --> 00:27:22,308 So, whilst our colleague enjoyed 525 00:27:22,374 --> 00:27:24,744 his special breakfast, 526 00:27:24,811 --> 00:27:27,179 Richard and I attached his steering knob. 527 00:27:27,246 --> 00:27:28,414 There you go. 528 00:27:29,749 --> 00:27:31,818 And then we hit the track. 529 00:27:33,519 --> 00:27:35,321 The roots of this car, 530 00:27:35,387 --> 00:27:40,026 they were planted during the 1957 German Grand Prix. 531 00:27:40,092 --> 00:27:43,329 Fangio, at the wheel of his Maserati 250F, 532 00:27:43,395 --> 00:27:49,902 overcame a 48-second deficit in 22 laps to win the race. 533 00:27:49,969 --> 00:27:53,072 He smashed the lap record ten times. 534 00:27:53,139 --> 00:27:57,376 You don't lose a pedigree like that. 535 00:27:57,443 --> 00:28:00,279 Here we go. Feel the tail kick out a little bit. 536 00:28:01,580 --> 00:28:03,582 Or the front go. 537 00:28:03,649 --> 00:28:05,785 There's the back. On the front. 538 00:28:07,486 --> 00:28:09,756 Oh, God. I've got it. 539 00:28:12,925 --> 00:28:16,062 Flying laps in a Maserati. 540 00:28:16,128 --> 00:28:18,765 This is exactly what Stirling Moss did. 541 00:28:25,571 --> 00:28:28,340 Not exactly. Bits of it are. 542 00:28:29,776 --> 00:28:31,778 Meanwhile, in the convertible, 543 00:28:31,844 --> 00:28:35,314 James was very unhappy with his new steering knob. 544 00:28:41,788 --> 00:28:43,990 Oh, God, it's the left-hander. 545 00:28:45,792 --> 00:28:48,928 Bend the knob. 546 00:28:48,995 --> 00:28:51,330 What is the matter with those two? 547 00:28:55,935 --> 00:28:57,103 We're OK. We're in good shape. 548 00:28:58,905 --> 00:29:01,440 - No, we're not! 549 00:29:01,507 --> 00:29:03,475 Despite my lucky-dip handling, 550 00:29:03,542 --> 00:29:05,878 I did eventually catch Hammond. 551 00:29:09,181 --> 00:29:11,050 Take him! Take him on the inside! 552 00:29:11,117 --> 00:29:12,819 Yes! 553 00:29:13,719 --> 00:29:15,121 Yes! 554 00:29:17,323 --> 00:29:18,557 No! 555 00:29:21,460 --> 00:29:22,929 Arg! 556 00:29:24,831 --> 00:29:26,899 No, I... Oh, God, strewth. 557 00:29:28,534 --> 00:29:30,837 He's going surely now! 558 00:29:30,837 --> 00:29:32,304 Jesus! 559 00:29:35,707 --> 00:29:39,478 It just has too many horsepowers here. Come on! 560 00:29:41,948 --> 00:29:43,215 Oh, shit. 561 00:29:47,219 --> 00:29:49,521 Mr Clarkson is indisposed briefly. 562 00:29:49,588 --> 00:29:53,559 JEREMY: And moments later, so was Mr Hammond. 563 00:29:53,625 --> 00:29:55,361 No, no, no! 564 00:29:56,628 --> 00:29:58,597 Come on! 565 00:29:58,664 --> 00:30:03,235 So, having learned absolutely nothing at all... 566 00:30:03,302 --> 00:30:06,138 we decided to abandon the race track 567 00:30:06,205 --> 00:30:08,740 and embark on a 700-mile cruise 568 00:30:08,807 --> 00:30:11,510 to the south of France. 569 00:30:11,577 --> 00:30:15,047 James was very pleased with this plan. 570 00:30:15,114 --> 00:30:17,149 This is more like it, isn't it? 571 00:30:17,216 --> 00:30:18,817 Not mucking around on a race track, 572 00:30:18,885 --> 00:30:21,020 which is always a bad idea in old cars. 573 00:30:21,087 --> 00:30:23,022 We're going on a proper road trip 574 00:30:23,089 --> 00:30:24,857 to a lovely part of the world 575 00:30:24,924 --> 00:30:28,660 in very, very evocative, exotic cars-- 576 00:30:28,727 --> 00:30:30,129 Maserati! 577 00:30:31,931 --> 00:30:34,700 In the 1970s, Maserati was naming all its cars 578 00:30:34,766 --> 00:30:38,137 after...exotic-sounding warm winds: 579 00:30:38,204 --> 00:30:41,173 Mistral, Khamsin, Bora. 580 00:30:43,309 --> 00:30:45,945 When I was a kid growing up in Doncaster, 581 00:30:46,012 --> 00:30:47,146 I just thought, 582 00:30:47,213 --> 00:30:49,315 "I've no idea what a Mistral is 583 00:30:49,381 --> 00:30:50,582 but I want one!" 584 00:30:52,251 --> 00:30:55,154 Maserati. South of France. 585 00:30:55,221 --> 00:31:00,526 It just sounds right. 586 00:31:00,592 --> 00:31:02,394 However, fairly soon, 587 00:31:02,461 --> 00:31:05,597 reality began to stick its unwelcome nose 588 00:31:05,664 --> 00:31:07,333 into the equation. 589 00:31:07,399 --> 00:31:11,938 You get no heat in here and I can't de-mist at all. 590 00:31:11,938 --> 00:31:13,940 The brakes. 591 00:31:13,940 --> 00:31:15,641 It brakes one wheel very well. 592 00:31:15,707 --> 00:31:19,311 But only one wheel at a time. And you never know which one. 593 00:31:22,982 --> 00:31:25,517 James, are my lights dazzling you? 594 00:31:25,584 --> 00:31:30,456 - Yeah, a bit. - Because they seem to be on main beam, 595 00:31:30,522 --> 00:31:31,958 but I can't dip them. 596 00:31:32,024 --> 00:31:34,426 JAMES: If I put my headlights on full beam, 597 00:31:34,493 --> 00:31:36,228 nobody coming the other way flashes at me. 598 00:31:40,732 --> 00:31:42,734 You hear that rattling? 599 00:31:42,801 --> 00:31:44,603 That's the steering wheel. 600 00:31:47,473 --> 00:31:48,975 On top of the mechanical issues, 601 00:31:48,975 --> 00:31:50,309 there was the problem 602 00:31:50,376 --> 00:31:52,111 of James tackling the toll booths 603 00:31:52,178 --> 00:31:54,713 in his right-hand-drive car. 604 00:32:05,391 --> 00:32:08,260 Ahh! Urgh! 605 00:32:08,327 --> 00:32:10,196 We've got 700 miles to go. 606 00:32:10,262 --> 00:32:14,000 It's going to take us for ever at this speed. 607 00:32:15,367 --> 00:32:17,403 JEREMY: And then, to cap it all... 608 00:32:17,469 --> 00:32:21,473 Jeremy, there are sparks coming from under your car. 609 00:32:23,009 --> 00:32:25,011 I think you probably need to stop. 610 00:32:27,579 --> 00:32:29,581 - Oh, look. - Something's on fire. 611 00:32:29,648 --> 00:32:32,351 - Fire! - Right. Might have to piss on it. 612 00:32:32,418 --> 00:32:35,121 - Oh, no! - Go round there! 613 00:32:35,187 --> 00:32:40,259 - He's going to claim to be an emergency service now. 614 00:32:40,326 --> 00:32:42,161 JEREMY: Annoyingly, our road trip 615 00:32:42,228 --> 00:32:45,497 wasn't proving to be as stylish as we'd hoped. 616 00:32:47,399 --> 00:32:49,035 So, at the next petrol stop, 617 00:32:49,068 --> 00:32:51,103 with James failing to appreciate 618 00:32:51,170 --> 00:32:52,571 a present we'd bought for him... 619 00:32:52,638 --> 00:32:54,740 You used to have a good sense of humour. 620 00:32:54,806 --> 00:32:57,376 I do have a good sense of humour when you're being funny. 621 00:32:57,443 --> 00:32:59,645 - Which you are sometimes. - ...I suggested a new idea. 622 00:32:59,711 --> 00:33:01,647 Listen, listen. I've had a thought. 623 00:33:01,713 --> 00:33:03,615 South of France is a long way away. 624 00:33:03,682 --> 00:33:07,419 So why don't we go to the north of France instead? 625 00:33:07,486 --> 00:33:09,521 - Yes! - That is a good idea. 626 00:33:09,588 --> 00:33:11,923 And there's much more to see and do in the north 627 00:33:12,058 --> 00:33:14,326 than there is in the south of France. 628 00:33:14,393 --> 00:33:16,762 What is there to see and do in the north of France? 629 00:33:16,828 --> 00:33:19,765 Well, there's the immigrant camp in Calais. 630 00:33:19,831 --> 00:33:23,469 There's that square where they set fire to a woman. 631 00:33:23,535 --> 00:33:25,204 Yes. 632 00:33:32,378 --> 00:33:35,114 There'll be other stuff. There will be other stuff. 633 00:33:38,084 --> 00:33:40,219 OK. Thank you very much. 634 00:33:41,820 --> 00:33:45,124 Thank you so much. Thank you. 635 00:33:45,191 --> 00:33:46,792 We'll pick that up later on, 636 00:33:46,858 --> 00:33:50,796 but now it's time to play Celebrity Brain Crash! 637 00:33:59,138 --> 00:34:01,940 - Yeah, it's still terrible. - Awful! 638 00:34:02,108 --> 00:34:05,644 OK, now what can we say about our guest this week? 639 00:34:05,711 --> 00:34:10,116 He's Scottish, but he won a gold medal at the Olympics. 640 00:34:10,149 --> 00:34:11,750 So of course he's British. 641 00:34:13,319 --> 00:34:15,254 He started out in cycling, 642 00:34:15,321 --> 00:34:17,423 then very wisely took up motor racing. 643 00:34:17,489 --> 00:34:19,725 He actually competed at Le Mans. 644 00:34:19,791 --> 00:34:21,360 But today he's in a boat. 645 00:34:21,427 --> 00:34:23,729 Ladies and gentlemen, Sir Chris Hoy! 646 00:34:25,631 --> 00:34:27,299 There he is! 647 00:34:28,267 --> 00:34:30,302 There he is. 648 00:34:30,369 --> 00:34:32,138 He's gonna be all right. 649 00:34:32,138 --> 00:34:34,473 He's rowing it the wrong way round. 650 00:34:34,540 --> 00:34:38,144 The great thing is, everyone, the great thing is... 651 00:34:38,144 --> 00:34:44,383 that Loch Ness is a peaceful, inland lake with no hazards at all. 652 00:34:44,450 --> 00:34:48,187 We may finally get a guest to the studio. 653 00:34:48,254 --> 00:34:50,356 Yeah, that would be great. Get him in unharmed. 654 00:34:50,422 --> 00:34:52,458 - Come on, Sir Hoy! - Come on. 655 00:34:52,524 --> 00:34:54,760 - Come on, you can do it! 656 00:35:04,470 --> 00:35:07,273 What happened? How... 657 00:35:08,240 --> 00:35:10,942 Ladies and gentlemen... 658 00:35:11,009 --> 00:35:15,581 you've just applauded the tragic death of Sir Hoy. 659 00:35:15,647 --> 00:35:16,748 Um... 660 00:35:16,815 --> 00:35:20,619 No idea. I think he must have hit a mine. 661 00:35:20,686 --> 00:35:22,754 And there was a terrific explosion, 662 00:35:22,821 --> 00:35:23,789 you may have seen it. 663 00:35:23,855 --> 00:35:25,291 And he's now... 664 00:35:25,357 --> 00:35:26,592 Well, he's gone, hasn't he? 665 00:35:28,360 --> 00:35:31,029 Does that mean he's not coming on, then? 666 00:35:31,096 --> 00:35:33,064 Well, James, he's exploded 667 00:35:33,199 --> 00:35:35,701 and been reduced to chops and offal. 668 00:35:35,767 --> 00:35:38,370 So that is a no. 669 00:35:38,437 --> 00:35:40,372 It's OK. I've got a backup plan. 670 00:35:40,439 --> 00:35:42,941 You know voice activation systems in cars? 671 00:35:43,008 --> 00:35:44,310 They don't really work, 672 00:35:44,376 --> 00:35:46,445 particularly they don't work in Scotland. 673 00:35:46,512 --> 00:35:48,980 As we shall now demonstrate with a short clip 674 00:35:49,047 --> 00:35:54,420 of a man trying to pair his telephone with his Vauxhall. 675 00:35:54,486 --> 00:35:58,690 MAN: Pair. VOICE SYSTEM: You can say "pair". 676 00:35:58,757 --> 00:36:04,029 Select device. For feedback, help or cancel... 677 00:36:04,095 --> 00:36:06,131 Pair. 678 00:36:06,232 --> 00:36:07,899 You can say "pair". 679 00:36:07,966 --> 00:36:10,001 I just said pair! 680 00:36:10,068 --> 00:36:12,103 ...or cancel. 681 00:36:12,238 --> 00:36:14,240 Pair! 682 00:36:14,273 --> 00:36:17,243 You can say "pair". Select device. 683 00:36:17,309 --> 00:36:20,246 For feedback, help or cancel... 684 00:36:20,312 --> 00:36:23,515 Pa-a-a-ir. 685 00:36:24,750 --> 00:36:25,851 Pardon. 686 00:36:27,819 --> 00:36:30,389 What I really love about this guy 687 00:36:30,456 --> 00:36:33,625 is how long he perseveres for. 688 00:36:33,692 --> 00:36:34,793 Watch this. 689 00:36:34,860 --> 00:36:37,896 Pa-a-a-a-ir. 690 00:36:37,963 --> 00:36:40,266 Do you want to add or delete a device? 691 00:36:40,299 --> 00:36:43,101 - Yes! Add a device. 692 00:36:43,168 --> 00:36:45,136 Add a device. 693 00:36:45,271 --> 00:36:47,839 Using the pair function and the external device... 694 00:36:47,906 --> 00:36:49,908 Yah! 695 00:36:55,080 --> 00:36:57,883 He was brilliant. Anyway... 696 00:36:57,949 --> 00:37:00,286 That is the problem. That is the problem, 697 00:37:00,352 --> 00:37:03,622 but, Hammond, I have a solution. OK? 698 00:37:03,689 --> 00:37:05,924 No, don't scoff. Don't scoff. 699 00:37:05,991 --> 00:37:08,560 This is a system that is cheap, 700 00:37:08,627 --> 00:37:10,596 works anywhere in the world, 701 00:37:10,662 --> 00:37:12,531 and you can fit it to any car, 702 00:37:12,598 --> 00:37:14,766 no matter how old it is. 703 00:37:14,833 --> 00:37:18,937 Let me show you how it works, OK? Step in. 704 00:37:19,004 --> 00:37:21,139 Ready? Voice activation. 705 00:37:21,206 --> 00:37:23,309 Engage wipers. 706 00:37:26,312 --> 00:37:28,347 It's just a man! 707 00:37:28,414 --> 00:37:29,915 It's Gavril from Bulgaria. 708 00:37:29,981 --> 00:37:33,319 He can do anything. Right, select drive. 709 00:37:34,320 --> 00:37:37,389 There you go. Call Bell-end. 710 00:37:38,890 --> 00:37:41,727 Now, he picks up the phone, he does all the dialling. 711 00:37:41,793 --> 00:37:43,829 My hands are on the wheel, I'm safe. 712 00:37:43,895 --> 00:37:46,565 He holds it next to my ear so it's hands-free. 713 00:37:52,338 --> 00:37:54,373 - I don't want to talk to you. 714 00:37:54,440 --> 00:37:56,775 End call! 715 00:37:56,842 --> 00:37:58,944 All right, then. 716 00:37:59,010 --> 00:38:01,046 Punch driver. 717 00:38:01,112 --> 00:38:03,014 Punch... It doesn't work. 718 00:38:03,081 --> 00:38:05,851 He won't respond to you, only me. That's the genius. 719 00:38:05,917 --> 00:38:08,219 And it gets better. Get out, OK. 720 00:38:08,354 --> 00:38:10,021 He locks the doors. 721 00:38:10,088 --> 00:38:12,691 And then he opens them when I get back 722 00:38:12,758 --> 00:38:14,726 so I don't have to have any keys with me, 723 00:38:14,793 --> 00:38:17,696 which would spoil the line of my jean trouser. 724 00:38:19,164 --> 00:38:20,632 Let me just re-cap this, OK. 725 00:38:20,699 --> 00:38:22,934 So in Whitby you turned a Romanian man 726 00:38:23,001 --> 00:38:24,903 - into a self-driving car. - Yes, I did. 727 00:38:24,970 --> 00:38:27,005 You turned me into a parking sensor. 728 00:38:27,072 --> 00:38:29,941 And now you've turned a Bulgarian man into a voice-control system. 729 00:38:30,008 --> 00:38:33,612 - Yes. - There's a theme establishing itself here, 730 00:38:33,679 --> 00:38:37,416 with your inventions, and it is that you're a moron. 731 00:38:39,050 --> 00:38:40,552 A-ha. OK. Watch this. 732 00:38:40,619 --> 00:38:42,821 You know, in a modern BMW 7 Series, 733 00:38:42,888 --> 00:38:44,990 you have back seats that massage you 734 00:38:45,056 --> 00:38:47,459 - Yes. 735 00:38:49,695 --> 00:38:51,830 What I've done in here... is just genius. 736 00:38:51,897 --> 00:38:55,667 I have scooped out the middle of that back seat, OK? 737 00:38:55,734 --> 00:38:57,869 And then you can fit it with a Dwan Fen. 738 00:38:57,936 --> 00:38:59,838 - She's here. 739 00:38:59,905 --> 00:39:03,108 - She's from Thailand. 740 00:39:04,576 --> 00:39:06,712 I don't know why people are laughing at this. 741 00:39:06,778 --> 00:39:09,848 She now blends perfectly with the seat, OK? 742 00:39:09,915 --> 00:39:11,950 She is the seat. 743 00:39:12,017 --> 00:39:14,052 So I step in...like so. 744 00:39:16,187 --> 00:39:19,691 And then...I get a massage as I drive along. 745 00:39:19,758 --> 00:39:21,593 Ooh! 746 00:39:21,660 --> 00:39:25,296 James, James...he's sitting on a Thai woman now. 747 00:39:25,431 --> 00:39:27,666 I know. Come back over here, and we'll move it on. 748 00:39:27,733 --> 00:39:29,735 We'll go back to the Maserati film. 749 00:39:29,801 --> 00:39:31,437 Now, so far we have established 750 00:39:31,470 --> 00:39:33,071 that I've broken my arm, 751 00:39:33,138 --> 00:39:36,442 but that the cars are working really rather well. 752 00:39:36,442 --> 00:39:38,043 Yes! And we rejoin the action 753 00:39:38,109 --> 00:39:39,978 after a night in a town called Deauville, 754 00:39:40,045 --> 00:39:43,214 where Jeremy had, for reasons known only to himself, 755 00:39:43,281 --> 00:39:45,016 decided to re-enact 756 00:39:45,083 --> 00:39:50,456 the famous VW Golf advert from the '80s. 757 00:39:50,489 --> 00:39:54,325 JEREMY: This is the man who put a million on black 758 00:39:54,460 --> 00:39:55,994 and it came up red. 759 00:39:58,930 --> 00:40:01,967 This is the man who married a sex kitten, 760 00:40:02,033 --> 00:40:04,970 just as she turned into a cat. 761 00:40:07,038 --> 00:40:10,509 This is the man who moved into gold, 762 00:40:10,576 --> 00:40:13,178 just as the clever money moved out. 763 00:40:17,949 --> 00:40:23,522 This is the man who drives a Maserati. 764 00:40:31,930 --> 00:40:35,501 Start, you vicious bastard! 765 00:40:35,567 --> 00:40:40,271 Of course, being a Maserati, it did eventually begin. 766 00:40:40,338 --> 00:40:44,976 So we then fitted James's wheel with a new knob... 767 00:40:45,043 --> 00:40:47,846 and decided to go and play on the beach. 768 00:40:56,855 --> 00:40:57,989 Ha-ha! 769 00:41:08,233 --> 00:41:09,735 You really would have trouble doing this 770 00:41:09,801 --> 00:41:11,837 on a beach in the south of France 771 00:41:11,903 --> 00:41:14,773 because the whole thing would be covered 772 00:41:14,840 --> 00:41:18,544 in people turning their plastic surgery brown. 773 00:41:18,610 --> 00:41:21,747 Ow-ow-ow-ow, ow-ow-ow-ow, ow-ow-ow-ow-ow. 774 00:41:24,015 --> 00:41:26,051 In the sea! 775 00:41:26,117 --> 00:41:28,119 Whoa! 776 00:41:30,656 --> 00:41:33,024 You can take a Maserati in the sea... 777 00:41:34,693 --> 00:41:37,896 because the rust-proofing is so good. 778 00:41:37,963 --> 00:41:40,932 After that, we enjoyed a picturesque walk 779 00:41:40,999 --> 00:41:43,034 and a philosophical debate. 780 00:41:43,101 --> 00:41:46,071 JEREMY: Is there anything on earth which is worse 781 00:41:46,137 --> 00:41:49,074 than having another man put sun cream on your back? 782 00:41:49,140 --> 00:41:50,576 JAMES: I've never experienced that. 783 00:41:50,642 --> 00:41:53,444 And then we played some sport. 784 00:41:53,579 --> 00:41:55,180 Penalty shoot-out 785 00:41:55,246 --> 00:41:58,116 in Maseratis on a beach in northern France. 786 00:42:08,827 --> 00:42:10,261 With our ball gone, 787 00:42:10,328 --> 00:42:12,163 we continued on our tour of Normandy, 788 00:42:12,230 --> 00:42:17,235 with our badly-built colleague moaning constantly. 789 00:42:19,304 --> 00:42:21,306 Has he been swapped for an old lady? 790 00:42:21,372 --> 00:42:23,609 JEREMY: He's always been an old lady. 791 00:42:23,675 --> 00:42:25,744 He was born an old lady! 792 00:42:25,811 --> 00:42:28,013 "Congratulations, Mrs May. It's an old lady!" 793 00:42:31,449 --> 00:42:36,021 As darkness fell, we reached the ancient town of Honfleur, 794 00:42:36,087 --> 00:42:38,056 where we decided to spend the night. 795 00:42:38,123 --> 00:42:40,759 Unfortunately, to reach our hotel, 796 00:42:40,826 --> 00:42:42,894 we had to navigate through a maze 797 00:42:42,961 --> 00:42:45,631 of tiny, medieval streets. 798 00:42:48,834 --> 00:42:51,469 JEREMY: Pardon. Sorry. 799 00:42:51,536 --> 00:42:54,640 RICHARD: This is narrow. Isn't it narrow? 800 00:42:57,308 --> 00:42:58,910 No. 801 00:43:02,648 --> 00:43:06,017 How did people manage in this town in the olden days 802 00:43:06,084 --> 00:43:08,654 when nobody had power steering? 803 00:43:09,688 --> 00:43:10,922 Oh, no. 804 00:43:12,457 --> 00:43:14,660 I do that how? 805 00:43:17,896 --> 00:43:20,098 - Oh, my God. 806 00:43:21,299 --> 00:43:23,068 I'm totally stuck. 807 00:43:26,738 --> 00:43:29,207 Ow, ow, ow, ow. Cobbles. 808 00:43:33,845 --> 00:43:35,981 God almighty. 809 00:43:37,716 --> 00:43:39,751 I'm not sure that's possible. 810 00:43:48,259 --> 00:43:50,595 Oh, for... Is that...? 811 00:43:50,696 --> 00:43:52,397 You're in the way. 812 00:43:52,463 --> 00:43:54,700 It's a one-way street my way. 813 00:43:54,766 --> 00:43:56,001 It's a one-way street, yes. 814 00:43:56,067 --> 00:43:58,236 That's why me and the other cars 815 00:43:58,303 --> 00:44:00,105 are all coming this way. 816 00:44:00,171 --> 00:44:03,408 Please don't make me back up with this steering. 817 00:44:03,474 --> 00:44:06,444 Come on, it's a workout. 818 00:44:06,511 --> 00:44:08,246 Hammond, I am gonna kill you. 819 00:44:08,313 --> 00:44:10,849 - Moment, s'il vous plaît. 820 00:44:12,450 --> 00:44:14,452 Mon ami... 821 00:44:14,519 --> 00:44:18,489 Il a conduit-ay son voiture 822 00:44:18,556 --> 00:44:19,858 comme la gorilla. 823 00:44:23,494 --> 00:44:26,732 Vous devrez...le jambon 824 00:44:26,798 --> 00:44:28,900 prenez la rue à gauche 825 00:44:28,967 --> 00:44:33,338 et nous sommes les champignons! 826 00:44:33,404 --> 00:44:37,242 With Jeremy out of the way, I could move on. 827 00:44:37,308 --> 00:44:39,144 But then... 828 00:44:39,210 --> 00:44:42,347 JAMES: Hammond, is that you with yellow lights coming up here? 829 00:44:42,413 --> 00:44:45,383 - Oh, my God. - That's a bit of bad luck. 830 00:44:45,450 --> 00:44:47,585 You're going to have to reverse up there, aren't you? 831 00:44:47,652 --> 00:44:50,521 I can't back up because it's preposterously narrow 832 00:44:50,588 --> 00:44:53,291 and I can't swivel my head round to look behind me. 833 00:44:53,358 --> 00:44:54,425 So now what? 834 00:44:54,492 --> 00:44:55,961 Well, I'm going the right way 835 00:44:56,027 --> 00:44:57,428 down the one-way street, 836 00:44:57,495 --> 00:44:59,097 so I have right of way. 837 00:44:59,164 --> 00:45:00,799 Urgh! 838 00:45:00,866 --> 00:45:03,869 Sorry, Hammond, you'll have to direct me a bit. 839 00:45:03,935 --> 00:45:07,072 - Right a bit. 840 00:45:07,138 --> 00:45:08,606 Well, my right. Which is your left 841 00:45:08,673 --> 00:45:11,009 but you're steering in reverse. 842 00:45:11,076 --> 00:45:12,778 Hold it there and I'll go left. 843 00:45:12,811 --> 00:45:14,179 Your left or my left? 844 00:45:14,245 --> 00:45:16,314 Your right, my left as I'm looking. 845 00:45:16,381 --> 00:45:20,786 And your right as you're looking, i.e. your right. 846 00:45:20,819 --> 00:45:22,553 JEREMY: I had found the hotel, 847 00:45:22,620 --> 00:45:25,223 but clearly my colleagues were going to be a while. 848 00:45:25,290 --> 00:45:27,793 JAMES: When you say my left, do you mean my left 849 00:45:27,826 --> 00:45:29,494 if I'm facing the way I'm going 850 00:45:29,560 --> 00:45:30,996 or facing the way I'm facing? 851 00:45:31,062 --> 00:45:32,463 RICHARD: Good point. 852 00:45:32,530 --> 00:45:35,666 Your left is still my right. 853 00:45:35,801 --> 00:45:39,537 But you're going backwards. Just drive backwards! 854 00:45:39,604 --> 00:45:41,907 I'm going to the hotel now but I'll leave this on 855 00:45:41,973 --> 00:45:44,642 so you can stay in tune with what they're doing. 856 00:45:44,709 --> 00:45:46,677 JAMES: I don't believe I've come the wrong way 857 00:45:46,812 --> 00:45:48,847 down a one-way street. I know. 858 00:45:48,914 --> 00:45:51,817 RICHARD: Are you making your situation better or worse? 859 00:45:51,883 --> 00:45:54,953 Better Better 860 00:45:55,020 --> 00:45:58,824 - When Richard and James did finally join me, 861 00:45:58,824 --> 00:46:00,258 we reflected over dinner 862 00:46:00,325 --> 00:46:03,228 about our time in the north of France. 863 00:46:03,294 --> 00:46:06,064 It's been just a tremendous journey. 864 00:46:06,131 --> 00:46:08,699 We've had three Maseratis out here for three days 865 00:46:08,834 --> 00:46:11,402 and we've only had one minor fire. 866 00:46:11,469 --> 00:46:14,639 Can I just say, and I'm being absolutely honest here, 867 00:46:14,705 --> 00:46:16,074 I love my Maserati. 868 00:46:16,141 --> 00:46:18,543 - I've totally fallen for it. - Yes. 869 00:46:18,609 --> 00:46:20,645 I really like mine. 870 00:46:20,711 --> 00:46:22,147 No car makes a better noise. 871 00:46:22,213 --> 00:46:24,249 No two-litre car makes a better noise than that. 872 00:46:24,315 --> 00:46:26,317 I love it more now than when I started. 873 00:46:26,384 --> 00:46:28,153 I definitely want to keep mine. 874 00:46:28,219 --> 00:46:31,056 I want to know what it's like to drive with two arms. 875 00:46:31,122 --> 00:46:33,158 Because we all loved our cars so much, 876 00:46:33,224 --> 00:46:35,660 I decided we should end our road trip 877 00:46:35,726 --> 00:46:38,063 with a spicy climax. 878 00:46:38,129 --> 00:46:41,299 Why don't we race back to England, OK? 879 00:46:41,366 --> 00:46:44,302 First thing in the morning. Last one back there... 880 00:46:45,436 --> 00:46:47,138 has to sell their car. 881 00:46:47,205 --> 00:46:49,340 - Ooh, that's cruel. - That's harsh. 882 00:46:49,407 --> 00:46:53,144 It's not entirely fair on me, is it? 883 00:46:54,279 --> 00:46:55,380 Hello. Why not? 884 00:46:55,446 --> 00:46:57,883 You chose to come equipped with one arm. 885 00:46:57,883 --> 00:46:59,284 It's your issue, not ours. 886 00:46:59,350 --> 00:47:02,387 So we set off from here, all at the same time. 887 00:47:02,453 --> 00:47:05,991 Any route you like. Last one... 888 00:47:06,892 --> 00:47:08,927 back on English soil, 889 00:47:08,994 --> 00:47:10,261 has to sell their car. 890 00:47:10,328 --> 00:47:12,063 I'm up for it. I'll risk it 891 00:47:12,130 --> 00:47:14,132 cos that'll make the trip home exciting. 892 00:47:14,199 --> 00:47:16,034 I'll do it. Last one home... 893 00:47:23,074 --> 00:47:24,910 As dawn broke, 894 00:47:24,943 --> 00:47:26,912 we lined up outside the hotel, 895 00:47:26,978 --> 00:47:28,914 ready for the off. 896 00:47:28,980 --> 00:47:30,815 JEREMY: Gentlemen, it's ten to four in the morning. 897 00:47:30,916 --> 00:47:32,683 Let's do this. 898 00:47:32,750 --> 00:47:35,320 In three, two, one... Begin! 899 00:47:35,386 --> 00:47:38,023 (JEREMY'S ENGINE FAILS TO START) 900 00:47:40,125 --> 00:47:43,128 (ENGINE FINALLY STARTS THEN STALLS) 901 00:47:44,229 --> 00:47:46,031 Blast! 902 00:47:46,097 --> 00:47:47,532 - Come on! 903 00:47:51,202 --> 00:47:53,304 No! No! 904 00:47:53,371 --> 00:47:55,540 At all costs, I am winning this. 905 00:48:00,545 --> 00:48:04,482 This is typical. Typical of Italian cars. 906 00:48:04,549 --> 00:48:06,952 They wait until you really need them, 907 00:48:07,018 --> 00:48:09,955 and then they go wrong. 908 00:48:09,988 --> 00:48:11,957 "Oh, darling, darling, I'm in labour! Quickly!" 909 00:48:12,023 --> 00:48:14,225 "Yes, I'm on my way in my Maserati." 910 00:48:18,096 --> 00:48:20,298 Right. Up here. 911 00:48:21,499 --> 00:48:24,235 Some of this is familiar, which is bad. 912 00:48:25,603 --> 00:48:28,639 Oh, no, not lost now. 913 00:48:28,706 --> 00:48:31,609 JEREMY: Once again, I'd managed to coax my car 914 00:48:31,676 --> 00:48:33,078 into some kind of life 915 00:48:33,144 --> 00:48:34,879 and I was on my way. 916 00:48:34,980 --> 00:48:37,148 So, straight out of town. 917 00:48:38,984 --> 00:48:43,221 - Sounding healthy. 918 00:48:43,288 --> 00:48:45,523 With a top speed of about 12, 919 00:48:45,590 --> 00:48:48,126 I was headed for the ferry port of Le Havre. 920 00:48:48,193 --> 00:48:49,794 The trouble is that logically, 921 00:48:49,860 --> 00:48:52,630 the others would be doing the same thing. 922 00:48:55,033 --> 00:48:59,370 Car, clear your throat, please. 923 00:49:01,672 --> 00:49:03,608 I'm out! 924 00:49:03,674 --> 00:49:05,476 Right, England, here I come. 925 00:49:08,279 --> 00:49:11,016 Clear your throat, car! Clear it! 926 00:49:11,082 --> 00:49:12,750 Or we shall be last. 927 00:49:12,817 --> 00:49:15,586 And then I shall have to sell you, and not to someone nice. 928 00:49:17,622 --> 00:49:19,624 You know that man who has sex with his cars 929 00:49:19,690 --> 00:49:22,127 and then puts pictures of it on the internet? 930 00:49:22,193 --> 00:49:23,928 I'm going to sell you to him 931 00:49:24,029 --> 00:49:27,398 unless you get going. Now, come on! 932 00:49:27,465 --> 00:49:30,101 - Hang on a minute. - No! 933 00:49:30,168 --> 00:49:32,137 No, no, no, no! 934 00:49:37,075 --> 00:49:38,309 Big road. Yes! 935 00:49:41,046 --> 00:49:42,380 RICHARD: James, meanwhile, 936 00:49:42,447 --> 00:49:44,149 was dawdling along at the back. 937 00:49:44,215 --> 00:49:48,819 Yet he seemed strangely unconcerned about this. 938 00:49:48,886 --> 00:49:51,756 On the face of it, viewers, this isn't much of a race, 939 00:49:51,822 --> 00:49:54,225 because I've got the slowest car, we know that. 940 00:49:54,292 --> 00:49:56,461 I only have the use of one arm 941 00:49:56,527 --> 00:49:57,762 and I'm steering 942 00:49:57,828 --> 00:50:01,099 with a squeaky frog bolted to the wheel. 943 00:50:01,166 --> 00:50:03,768 However, it's not that simple. 944 00:50:03,834 --> 00:50:06,804 - In fact, 945 00:50:06,871 --> 00:50:09,006 I believe I will be first. 946 00:50:09,074 --> 00:50:12,177 Because he who is last shall be first. 947 00:50:12,243 --> 00:50:14,345 As we know. 948 00:50:17,815 --> 00:50:19,850 Coming up now to the motorway. 949 00:50:23,821 --> 00:50:25,756 Come on, car. Please! 950 00:50:29,494 --> 00:50:31,529 It's made it up the slip road. 951 00:50:31,596 --> 00:50:34,632 Have you ever known a car with more spirit 952 00:50:34,699 --> 00:50:37,402 than this magnificent Maserati? 953 00:50:37,468 --> 00:50:41,206 However, the gradient on the slip road was nothing 954 00:50:41,272 --> 00:50:43,341 compared to what lay ahead. 955 00:50:48,679 --> 00:50:50,281 Oh, my giddy aunt. 956 00:50:53,984 --> 00:50:56,287 Port, where is it? 957 00:50:56,354 --> 00:50:58,623 If I get there first, I've got to wait for the ferry. 958 00:50:58,689 --> 00:51:00,791 They could catch up, but I'll be ahead in the queue. 959 00:51:00,858 --> 00:51:03,928 Whoever gets on the boat first gets off the boat first, 960 00:51:03,994 --> 00:51:05,263 and you can't change that. 961 00:51:05,330 --> 00:51:07,798 First on the boat is first off the boat. 962 00:51:07,865 --> 00:51:08,833 They win. 963 00:51:18,976 --> 00:51:20,345 Right, calm, Jeremy, calm. 964 00:51:20,411 --> 00:51:22,380 You're on a motorway. 965 00:51:22,447 --> 00:51:24,215 On an enormous bridge, 966 00:51:24,282 --> 00:51:26,151 surrounded by many heavy lorries. 967 00:51:29,420 --> 00:51:31,389 - Oh, no. 968 00:51:31,456 --> 00:51:33,824 I can hear the exhaust spluttering. 969 00:51:33,891 --> 00:51:37,362 Smoke. A lot of smoke now. 970 00:51:39,964 --> 00:51:43,168 Please! Please work! 971 00:51:44,735 --> 00:51:48,173 Mercifully, I reach the top of the bridge. 972 00:51:48,173 --> 00:51:50,708 But then... 973 00:51:54,078 --> 00:51:55,380 It's dead. 974 00:51:55,446 --> 00:51:58,316 Shit, I've lost braking. I have lost braking. 975 00:51:58,383 --> 00:52:01,386 Bloody hell. Handbrake not working, either. 976 00:52:01,452 --> 00:52:03,921 I've lost all brakes. 977 00:52:03,988 --> 00:52:06,224 There was only one thing for it. 978 00:52:10,895 --> 00:52:12,430 I have no brakes! 979 00:52:12,497 --> 00:52:13,931 You've just hit our car! 980 00:52:13,998 --> 00:52:15,233 I haven't got any brakes! 981 00:52:15,300 --> 00:52:16,867 They're not pleased 982 00:52:16,934 --> 00:52:19,637 about being used as a brake. 983 00:52:19,704 --> 00:52:21,071 This is totally illegal, by the way, 984 00:52:21,206 --> 00:52:22,207 on a French motorway. 985 00:52:22,207 --> 00:52:24,275 Right, so I've no brakes 986 00:52:24,342 --> 00:52:25,710 and no engine. 987 00:52:31,316 --> 00:52:33,451 Think, Jeremy, think. 988 00:52:36,020 --> 00:52:38,656 Port. Yes, hello. 989 00:52:38,723 --> 00:52:41,125 Unaware of Jeremy's problems, 990 00:52:41,226 --> 00:52:43,528 I was keeping the hammer down. 991 00:52:45,330 --> 00:52:46,797 Holiday-makers! 992 00:52:46,864 --> 00:52:49,667 I hate holiday-makers! 993 00:52:52,102 --> 00:52:54,405 Trucks. 994 00:52:54,472 --> 00:52:57,608 I'm going to get caught up with all the trucks. 995 00:52:57,675 --> 00:53:00,845 Meanwhile, back in the land of Captain Cryptic... 996 00:53:06,617 --> 00:53:08,253 Do you know, I'm so relaxed about this, 997 00:53:08,319 --> 00:53:09,587 I think, in a short while, 998 00:53:09,654 --> 00:53:11,889 I might stop for a pleasant coffee 999 00:53:11,956 --> 00:53:14,525 and a read of the newspaper. 1000 00:53:17,295 --> 00:53:19,330 Not got time for you, mate. I'm sorry. 1001 00:53:19,397 --> 00:53:21,499 Car! Car! 1002 00:53:24,001 --> 00:53:25,970 Oh, God. Another roundabout. 1003 00:53:26,036 --> 00:53:28,373 It's like I'm in the middle of bloody town. 1004 00:53:30,641 --> 00:53:32,677 I need to find my own route. 1005 00:53:32,743 --> 00:53:34,845 There must be sneaky ways through. 1006 00:53:41,619 --> 00:53:43,321 This could be good. This could be good. 1007 00:53:52,062 --> 00:53:53,664 Down there. 1008 00:53:53,731 --> 00:53:55,400 Oh! 1009 00:53:56,734 --> 00:53:57,602 Dead end. 1010 00:53:57,668 --> 00:53:59,870 Not that way. Bloody hell. 1011 00:54:16,020 --> 00:54:19,824 My shortcut wasn't going well. 1012 00:54:23,928 --> 00:54:26,731 Where are they and more importantly where am I? 1013 00:54:29,867 --> 00:54:34,004 This was a mistake. This is making things worse. 1014 00:54:34,071 --> 00:54:36,073 It's just costing time. 1015 00:54:36,140 --> 00:54:38,042 And, as it turned out, 1016 00:54:38,108 --> 00:54:41,245 time was something I didn't have. 1017 00:54:41,346 --> 00:54:43,981 I am now down to one turbo charger, 1018 00:54:44,048 --> 00:54:45,483 but I'm back in the race. 1019 00:54:49,354 --> 00:54:55,159 Yes, I'm at the wheel of a Renault DCI 120 tow truck. 1020 00:54:55,225 --> 00:54:56,727 And what's more, I've decided 1021 00:54:56,794 --> 00:54:59,497 to head for the port as the crow flies. 1022 00:55:02,633 --> 00:55:04,635 Oh, yes! 1023 00:55:09,106 --> 00:55:11,376 Oh, God, no! 1024 00:55:13,511 --> 00:55:15,713 This looks good. 1025 00:55:17,382 --> 00:55:19,049 Yes. Ferry terminal. 1026 00:55:20,184 --> 00:55:21,586 This is all correct. 1027 00:55:26,190 --> 00:55:27,392 That is Jeremy! 1028 00:55:27,425 --> 00:55:28,459 There's Hammond! 1029 00:55:28,526 --> 00:55:30,194 What is he doing? 1030 00:55:30,260 --> 00:55:32,430 Kill him! 1031 00:55:34,399 --> 00:55:36,401 I have to win. I have to win. 1032 00:55:37,902 --> 00:55:40,971 A roundabout. Oh, bloody hell. Really? 1033 00:55:44,809 --> 00:55:48,212 The problem was that the port of Le Havre is so vast 1034 00:55:48,278 --> 00:55:51,716 and so complex, it was very easy to get lost. 1035 00:55:51,782 --> 00:55:54,885 This was still anyone's race. 1036 00:55:59,690 --> 00:56:01,492 Where is Hammond? Where is May? 1037 00:56:01,559 --> 00:56:02,827 Where is the boat? 1038 00:56:04,562 --> 00:56:06,731 Come on, come on, come on. 1039 00:56:17,908 --> 00:56:20,144 This is wrong. This is wrong. 1040 00:56:27,752 --> 00:56:29,086 It's got to be down here. 1041 00:56:29,153 --> 00:56:31,088 Yes! 1042 00:56:33,758 --> 00:56:37,595 Did I have some carpet stuck under the throttle? 1043 00:56:37,662 --> 00:56:40,965 Cos my DCI 120's going like a bastard! 1044 00:56:47,972 --> 00:56:51,175 Yes! This looks good. This is the place. 1045 00:56:55,580 --> 00:56:58,716 Good van. Good van. The boat is there. 1046 00:56:58,783 --> 00:57:02,019 There is Richard Hammond. Is James May here? 1047 00:57:03,488 --> 00:57:05,089 No, he is not! 1048 00:57:05,155 --> 00:57:06,724 He is not. 1049 00:57:06,791 --> 00:57:08,693 Yes! 1050 00:57:10,661 --> 00:57:13,197 Ha 1051 00:57:17,668 --> 00:57:19,236 JAMES: No, and there wouldn't be, 1052 00:57:19,303 --> 00:57:21,506 because I was in another part of the port 1053 00:57:21,572 --> 00:57:23,574 with my own travel plans. 1054 00:57:23,641 --> 00:57:25,943 Last night, after the other two had gone to bed, 1055 00:57:26,010 --> 00:57:28,513 I arranged for our company yacht 1056 00:57:28,546 --> 00:57:31,616 to be waiting for me in the harbour. 1057 00:57:31,682 --> 00:57:33,684 And there it is! 1058 00:57:39,524 --> 00:57:42,827 I simply drive up, hop aboard, 1059 00:57:42,893 --> 00:57:44,562 and then we'll be on our way. 1060 00:58:11,121 --> 00:58:13,991 - He lived, annoyingly. - Hold on, hold on. 1061 00:58:14,058 --> 00:58:15,860 Hold on. Hammond. 1062 00:58:15,926 --> 00:58:17,695 I need to ask you about this. 1063 00:58:17,762 --> 00:58:21,265 Why did you stick "Deshabille" on my car? 1064 00:58:21,331 --> 00:58:24,001 Because you were disabled. 1065 00:58:24,068 --> 00:58:28,573 Déshabillé means undressed, you moron! 1066 00:58:28,573 --> 00:58:30,374 Let's not get bogged down 1067 00:58:30,440 --> 00:58:31,909 with "Ooh, can't speak French." 1068 00:58:31,976 --> 00:58:35,746 Let's get to the point which is, James May, 1069 00:58:35,813 --> 00:58:38,916 you lost and you broke the company yacht. 1070 00:58:38,983 --> 00:58:40,685 - You did. - Hang on a minute. 1071 00:58:40,751 --> 00:58:43,688 My car got closer to England than yours did. 1072 00:58:43,754 --> 00:58:45,455 Yes, but the other thing it got closest to 1073 00:58:45,590 --> 00:58:47,157 was the bottom of the sea. 1074 00:58:47,224 --> 00:58:48,859 All of that is irrelevant 1075 00:58:48,926 --> 00:58:50,595 because my car was the best, 1076 00:58:50,661 --> 00:58:52,429 cos it didn't go wrong at all. 1077 00:58:52,496 --> 00:58:54,064 Mine was perfectly reliable. 1078 00:58:54,131 --> 00:58:57,134 Mm-hm. Mine was as reliable as James's arms. 1079 00:58:57,201 --> 00:59:01,271 And the extraordinary thing is, no-one can work out 1080 00:59:01,338 --> 00:59:02,640 what was wrong with it. 1081 00:59:02,707 --> 00:59:04,909 It fell off the back of a lorry. 1082 00:59:04,975 --> 00:59:06,877 No- one can work out what fault it had 1083 00:59:06,944 --> 00:59:09,714 that caused it to be on the lorry in the first place. 1084 00:59:09,780 --> 00:59:11,816 And even nine months down the line, 1085 00:59:11,882 --> 00:59:15,886 two trained Maserati mechanics are totally stumped. 1086 00:59:15,953 --> 00:59:18,355 It is an unfathomable fault. 1087 00:59:18,422 --> 00:59:20,224 Yeah, so what we can conclude 1088 00:59:20,290 --> 00:59:23,493 from our exhaustive testing in the north of France 1089 00:59:23,628 --> 00:59:25,630 is that if you buy a used Maserati, 1090 00:59:25,696 --> 00:59:28,999 you have a 66% chance of it working. 1091 00:59:30,367 --> 00:59:31,636 They're not bad odds. 1092 00:59:31,636 --> 00:59:32,903 You wouldn't say that 1093 00:59:32,970 --> 00:59:35,272 if you were having an eye operation. 1094 00:59:35,339 --> 00:59:37,775 Exactly. And on that terrible disappointment, it's time to end. 1095 00:59:37,842 --> 00:59:40,377 Thank you so much for watching. Good night!