1 00:00:55,923 --> 00:00:57,758 (CHEERING) 2 00:01:00,161 --> 00:01:01,595 Hello, everybody. 3 00:01:02,730 --> 00:01:04,365 Hello. Thank you. 4 00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:10,138 Hello. 5 00:01:10,171 --> 00:01:12,206 Thank you. 6 00:01:12,273 --> 00:01:14,575 Thank you so much. 7 00:01:14,642 --> 00:01:17,211 Hello, everybody. Welcome to the Grand Tour, 8 00:01:17,278 --> 00:01:20,148 which, this week, comes from the Netherlands. 9 00:01:20,148 --> 00:01:21,582 (CHEERING) 10 00:01:23,851 --> 00:01:25,886 We're setting something of a record, actually, 11 00:01:25,953 --> 00:01:31,159 cos we are the first three British men ever to come here for a weekend 12 00:01:31,159 --> 00:01:33,161 and not vomit on a prostitute. 13 00:01:33,227 --> 00:01:34,428 (LAUGHTER) 14 00:01:34,495 --> 00:01:36,230 Actually, we love coming to Holland. 15 00:01:36,297 --> 00:01:37,965 James for his... for his own reasons. 16 00:01:38,031 --> 00:01:40,201 (LAUGHTER) 17 00:01:40,268 --> 00:01:43,003 And I like it because the Dutch are officially 18 00:01:43,070 --> 00:01:45,173 the tallest people on earth. 19 00:01:45,173 --> 00:01:46,907 It's true. True fact. 20 00:01:46,974 --> 00:01:49,510 -Yes, and I hate it here. I'm sick of... -(LAUGHTER) 21 00:01:49,577 --> 00:01:52,513 I'm sick of staring at belly buttons all day. 22 00:01:52,580 --> 00:01:57,951 The only problem I do have here is that I'm not allowed to use the word "swaffelen". 23 00:01:58,018 --> 00:01:59,353 RICHARD: Yeah. -(LAUGHTER) 24 00:01:59,420 --> 00:02:00,921 Well, you just did, didn't you? 25 00:02:00,988 --> 00:02:05,193 No, the thing is, OK, it is a really bad word here, 26 00:02:05,259 --> 00:02:06,860 and I have no idea why. 27 00:02:06,927 --> 00:02:09,630 -What does it mean? -It means... (CLEARS THROAT) 28 00:02:09,697 --> 00:02:10,798 (LAUGHTER) 29 00:02:10,864 --> 00:02:14,702 It means to bang your gentleman sausage... 30 00:02:14,768 --> 00:02:16,937 ...on the side of the Taj Mahal. 31 00:02:17,004 --> 00:02:18,939 -Oh, God! -(LAUGHTER) 32 00:02:19,006 --> 00:02:20,741 Anyway, listen. Erm... 33 00:02:20,808 --> 00:02:24,478 We're in Rotterdam, which is a marvellous city, in fact, 34 00:02:24,545 --> 00:02:26,614 because you aren't allowed to bring a car into the city - 35 00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:31,252 a petrol car - if it was built before 1992. 36 00:02:31,319 --> 00:02:35,623 You aren't allowed to bring a diesel car into the city if it was built before 2000, 37 00:02:35,689 --> 00:02:39,059 which means you're never held up by poor people. 38 00:02:39,126 --> 00:02:40,561 (LAUGHTER) 39 00:02:42,062 --> 00:02:44,932 -Really? -What else can we say about the Dutch? 40 00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:47,735 -Oh, of course, you gave the world speed cameras. -Oh, yeah. 41 00:02:47,801 --> 00:02:50,738 -So thank you very much for that. -Thank you. 42 00:02:50,804 --> 00:02:52,973 No, actually, I'd far rather be pulled over 43 00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:56,544 by the actual Dutch police rather than a speed camera, 44 00:02:56,610 --> 00:02:59,247 cos, boy, oh, boy, do these guys look good. 45 00:02:59,313 --> 00:03:00,314 -We've got a picture here. -Whoa! 46 00:03:00,381 --> 00:03:02,250 (LAUGHTER) 47 00:03:02,283 --> 00:03:06,854 I would very much like to see a lady policeman in an outfit like that. 48 00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:10,023 -It looks like the guy on the right already has. -(LAUGHTER) 49 00:03:10,090 --> 00:03:12,926 -Shall we get on with the show... man? -(LAUGHTER) 50 00:03:12,993 --> 00:03:14,595 Yes, good idea. Er... 51 00:03:14,662 --> 00:03:17,865 And coming up in our programme about cars this week... 52 00:03:19,166 --> 00:03:21,034 I try to pull a camel. 53 00:03:21,101 --> 00:03:23,404 Come on. Come on. 54 00:03:23,471 --> 00:03:25,639 A donkey pulls James. 55 00:03:26,907 --> 00:03:29,443 And Richard gets stuck in a cow orgy. 56 00:03:29,510 --> 00:03:32,746 I-I really am alarmed. 57 00:03:32,813 --> 00:03:38,352 But first, there's been a bit of an argument in the office between these two. 58 00:03:38,419 --> 00:03:40,187 You see, Richard maintains 59 00:03:40,288 --> 00:03:44,858 that the Mazda MX-5 is all the sports car you would ever need. 60 00:03:44,925 --> 00:03:48,195 -Because it is. -Mm-hm. But James says it isn't. 61 00:03:48,296 --> 00:03:49,797 Because it isn't. 62 00:03:51,131 --> 00:03:53,801 So we decided they should sort it out 63 00:03:53,867 --> 00:03:58,406 by going to the obvious proving ground for all sports cars: 64 00:03:58,472 --> 00:04:00,408 North Africa. 65 00:04:04,812 --> 00:04:06,747 (CALL TO PRAYER) 66 00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:14,855 (DRUMMING) 67 00:04:35,976 --> 00:04:37,678 RICHARD: This is it, 68 00:04:37,745 --> 00:04:42,350 the latest version of the bestselling two-seater roadster of all time. 69 00:04:43,517 --> 00:04:45,453 And it's easy to see why. 70 00:04:45,519 --> 00:04:47,054 Peppy little engine at the front, 71 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:50,424 two seats in the open air in the middle, rearwheel drive. 72 00:04:50,491 --> 00:04:53,093 It's the perfect sports-car recipe. 73 00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:55,963 But layered on top of that in this new version 74 00:04:56,029 --> 00:04:58,432 you get air conditioning, heated seats, 75 00:04:58,499 --> 00:05:00,834 lane-departure assist, cruise control, 76 00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:03,637 rain-sensing wipers, dusk-sensing headlamps. 77 00:05:03,704 --> 00:05:05,839 You just can't do any better. 78 00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:09,743 Well, you can, actually, because all of those luxury items you're mentioning now, 79 00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:13,481 they just add weight, and they mean it isn't a true sports car any more. 80 00:05:13,547 --> 00:05:14,982 -Yes, it is. -No, it isn't. 81 00:05:15,048 --> 00:05:17,751 Colin Chapman, he was the bloke who founded Lotus, 82 00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:21,789 he said the ethos of a sports car is simplify and add lightness. 83 00:05:21,855 --> 00:05:24,625 He didn't say you simplify and add electric windows. 84 00:05:24,692 --> 00:05:29,196 Yep, and then he gave all his money away to a drug dealer called John DeLorean. 85 00:05:29,262 --> 00:05:31,131 This, ladies and gentlemen, is what it's actually about. 86 00:05:31,198 --> 00:05:33,200 This is called the Zenos. 87 00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:36,904 You get four wheels, you get somewhere to sit, an engine, and that's it. 88 00:05:36,970 --> 00:05:38,506 It's a sports car. 89 00:05:38,572 --> 00:05:41,642 -Yeah. What do you do if it rains? -Well, you'd get wet. 90 00:05:41,709 --> 00:05:43,644 What if you want to listen to the radio? 91 00:05:43,711 --> 00:05:45,579 Why would I want to listen to the radio around here? 92 00:05:45,646 --> 00:05:47,280 -Does it have a heater? -No. 93 00:05:47,415 --> 00:05:50,183 -Has it got windows? -Look, if you buy a football boot, 94 00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:53,286 you don't expect it to be usable as a ballet shoe, do you? 95 00:05:53,421 --> 00:05:58,191 But Mazda has invented a football boot that you can wear to the opera. 96 00:05:58,258 --> 00:06:02,029 Look, I can guarantee that if you wear that shoe to the opera house... 97 00:06:02,095 --> 00:06:03,864 RICHARD: At this point, the director said 98 00:06:03,931 --> 00:06:06,900 he'd heard enough about shoes for one day... 99 00:06:06,967 --> 00:06:08,602 (ENGINE REVS) 100 00:06:10,137 --> 00:06:12,640 ...and told us to go for a drive. 101 00:06:20,247 --> 00:06:23,183 Right, now I'm away from Hammond's luxury sports car resort, 102 00:06:23,250 --> 00:06:26,454 let me tell you a little bit about this remarkable car. 103 00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:30,123 It's powered by the 2L turbocharged engine 104 00:06:30,190 --> 00:06:33,727 from the Ford Focus ST, giving 250 horsepower. 105 00:06:33,794 --> 00:06:36,464 That's mounted in the middle, right behind my head there, 106 00:06:36,497 --> 00:06:38,832 driving the rear wheels through a no-nonsense, 107 00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:42,169 old-school six-speed gearbox. 108 00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:45,773 Now, 250 horsepower doesn't sound like a huge amount in the modern world, 109 00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:48,842 but this car, made with an aluminium spine 110 00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:51,712 and composite tub, and all the rest of it, 111 00:06:51,779 --> 00:06:53,747 weighs less than three quarters of a tonne, 112 00:06:53,814 --> 00:06:56,049 so it is genuinely quick. 113 00:06:56,116 --> 00:06:57,785 Look... Whoa! 114 00:07:04,692 --> 00:07:06,794 Yeah! (MIMICS ENGINE NOISE) 115 00:07:09,830 --> 00:07:15,736 It makes the noise of some futuristic propulsion system powered by antimatter. 116 00:07:15,803 --> 00:07:17,505 (ENGINE ROARS AND HISSES) 117 00:07:21,174 --> 00:07:23,143 Yes! Electrifying! 118 00:07:31,151 --> 00:07:35,155 James comes from a world where he wants his phone and his camera separate. 119 00:07:35,222 --> 00:07:36,724 "I like a paper diary." 120 00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:39,860 This Mazda is a smartphone. It does everything. 121 00:07:43,330 --> 00:07:47,067 It looks brilliant, it will be endlessly reliable, it's fast, 122 00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:50,037 it's got speakers in the headrests, and it handles well. 123 00:07:54,207 --> 00:07:57,578 And you can get an MX-5 from £18,500. 124 00:07:57,645 --> 00:08:00,548 James's car starts at £33,000, 125 00:08:00,548 --> 00:08:02,783 and you don't even get doors! 126 00:08:02,850 --> 00:08:05,218 My shed has got doors. 127 00:08:05,285 --> 00:08:08,055 I furnish my cats with doors. 128 00:08:08,121 --> 00:08:09,657 You need doors. 129 00:08:14,227 --> 00:08:15,629 (RATTLING) 130 00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:20,400 I bet he's being shaken to death in that thing. 131 00:08:20,467 --> 00:08:22,202 I bet Hammond thinks I'm being shaken to death in here, 132 00:08:22,269 --> 00:08:23,604 but actually he's wrong, 133 00:08:23,671 --> 00:08:27,040 because this isn't like a BAC Mono or a Radical. 134 00:08:27,107 --> 00:08:30,443 It is obviously very much a car for taking on the track, 135 00:08:30,578 --> 00:08:32,379 but it's been tuned for road use. 136 00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:33,647 It's quite supple. 137 00:08:33,714 --> 00:08:34,815 See? Look. 138 00:08:34,882 --> 00:08:37,417 Bump. It's all right. 139 00:08:37,484 --> 00:08:38,886 I'm very relaxed. 140 00:08:44,457 --> 00:08:47,027 JAMES: Eventually, we pulled over for a cup of coffee 141 00:08:47,094 --> 00:08:49,262 and a bit more arguing about doors. 142 00:08:50,898 --> 00:08:53,066 Just because they had them in the 12th century 143 00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:55,402 on cathedrals, whatever, you don't need them now. 144 00:08:55,468 --> 00:08:56,870 Don't be a slave to convention. 145 00:08:56,937 --> 00:08:59,006 But people had eyelids in the 12th century, 146 00:08:59,072 --> 00:09:01,709 and nobody's deciding, "Let's get rid of those, they're old hat." 147 00:09:01,775 --> 00:09:04,211 "Oh, no! I've got dust in my eyes and I can't sleep." 148 00:09:04,277 --> 00:09:06,413 That's completely facile, Hammond. You know exactly what I mean. 149 00:09:06,479 --> 00:09:09,082 The door... I mean, Riva speedboats don't have doors. 150 00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:10,618 You don't say... 151 00:09:10,651 --> 00:09:13,486 (EXHALES) This is lovely, isn't it? 152 00:09:13,621 --> 00:09:15,088 What are you doing here? 153 00:09:15,155 --> 00:09:17,725 Well, word reached me that you two were talking rubbish. 154 00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:21,228 -What do you mean, "rubbish"? -Well, if you want the best sports car, 155 00:09:21,294 --> 00:09:23,831 you don't want a Mazda or a Zenos. You want-- 156 00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,733 Oh, God. He's brought an Alfa Romeo. 157 00:09:25,799 --> 00:09:27,300 Yes, of course I have. 158 00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:30,303 Alfa Romeo 4C Spider. 159 00:09:36,376 --> 00:09:39,647 JEREMY: This is what I'm talking about. 160 00:09:39,647 --> 00:09:42,482 A symphony in carbon fibre. 161 00:09:42,549 --> 00:09:44,517 Balance personified. 162 00:09:44,652 --> 00:09:46,954 The Graduate updated. 163 00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:49,923 A mini Ferrari, as cute as a bunny rabbit, 164 00:09:49,990 --> 00:09:53,393 with the greatest badge in the history of mo-- 165 00:09:53,460 --> 00:09:55,128 How much is it? 166 00:09:55,195 --> 00:09:58,666 -You know perfectly well how much it is. -Yeah, we've forgotten. 167 00:09:59,299 --> 00:10:00,834 Money is vulgar. 168 00:10:00,901 --> 00:10:05,072 You can't put a price on something as exquisite as that. 169 00:10:05,138 --> 00:10:07,340 Yeah, but Alfa Romeo did put a price on it, didn't they? 170 00:10:07,407 --> 00:10:08,475 And what was it? 171 00:10:08,541 --> 00:10:10,678 -Sixty thousand pounds. -(LAUGHTER) 172 00:10:10,744 --> 00:10:14,147 So you could have both of our cars and everything in the back of shot 173 00:10:14,214 --> 00:10:16,283 for the price of one of these Alfa Romeos? 174 00:10:16,349 --> 00:10:19,720 I know, it is extraordinary value for money. 175 00:10:19,787 --> 00:10:23,290 -It's too far from outside to inside. -It's miles! 176 00:10:23,356 --> 00:10:24,758 JEREMY: Yes, thick sills... 177 00:10:24,825 --> 00:10:26,694 -Here we go. -...for strength. 178 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,962 Look at this, rotary heater knobs. 179 00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:31,498 -It's like being in the 1970s. -Yeah, it is, actually. 180 00:10:31,564 --> 00:10:32,800 This handbrake, look at that. 181 00:10:32,866 --> 00:10:35,035 Is that fixed on or does that come off? 182 00:10:35,102 --> 00:10:37,537 Alfa Romeo, purveyors of disappointment for nearly three decades. 183 00:10:37,604 --> 00:10:39,606 RICHARD: Look at this. Classy. -(JAMES MOANS) 184 00:10:39,673 --> 00:10:42,242 RICHARD: Yeah. Feel the quality in that. JAMES: Let me feel that. 185 00:10:42,309 --> 00:10:45,112 RICHARD: Mm. JAMES: Sixty thousand pounds?! 186 00:10:45,178 --> 00:10:46,413 RICHARD: Mm. And this... -(HOLLOW KNOCKING) 187 00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:48,081 That's what you want to hear. 188 00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:50,984 If you ever buy a new item of clothing, never show it these two. 189 00:10:51,051 --> 00:10:55,155 "What are you wearing that jacket for? It makes you look like a German gameshow host." 190 00:10:55,222 --> 00:10:56,890 RICHARD: That's satisfying. -(LAUGHTER) 191 00:10:56,957 --> 00:10:58,759 JAMES: Why are you wearing that jacket? 192 00:10:58,826 --> 00:11:00,994 Because I was at a party in India last night, 193 00:11:01,061 --> 00:11:02,462 and I've hurried over here. 194 00:11:02,529 --> 00:11:03,997 RICHARD: Why did you go to the party 195 00:11:04,064 --> 00:11:05,332 dressed as a German gameshow host? 196 00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:09,737 JEREMY: Soon, I grew weary of their abuse 197 00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:12,339 and set off in what, be in no doubt, 198 00:11:12,405 --> 00:11:16,543 is my favourite car on sale today. 199 00:11:16,609 --> 00:11:22,615 I will admit, there are one or two tiny little problems with the 4C. 200 00:11:22,750 --> 00:11:24,217 Trivial stuff. 201 00:11:24,284 --> 00:11:28,155 It's very wide. The gearbox is a little bit dim-witted. 202 00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:32,592 If you fit sports exhausts, the noise is catastrophic. 203 00:11:32,659 --> 00:11:35,028 The petrol tank... yeah, that's too small. 204 00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:39,767 You've really only got a range of 300... yards. 205 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:41,969 And then there's the steering. 206 00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:45,672 There's no power assistance, so it's incredibly heavy when you're parking, 207 00:11:45,773 --> 00:11:48,776 there's no feel when you're on the move. 208 00:11:48,842 --> 00:11:50,543 And then, and this is its party piece, 209 00:11:50,610 --> 00:11:56,149 just occasionally, it'll go violently left or right for no reason. 210 00:11:57,017 --> 00:11:59,286 Whoa! You see that? 211 00:11:59,352 --> 00:12:00,420 Bloody hell. 212 00:12:04,024 --> 00:12:08,796 But look at it this way, we could all probably find fault with our children, 213 00:12:08,829 --> 00:12:11,464 and yet... we still love them. 214 00:12:16,269 --> 00:12:17,871 RICHARD: Jeremy loves Alfa Romeos 215 00:12:17,938 --> 00:12:19,339 because, back in the old days, 216 00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:22,109 they were great... but they're not any more. 217 00:12:23,543 --> 00:12:26,013 Plenty of things were great. 218 00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:27,547 Greece. 219 00:12:27,614 --> 00:12:29,016 Rolf Harris. 220 00:12:29,983 --> 00:12:31,484 You can't love them now. 221 00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:36,089 (GROANS) 222 00:12:36,156 --> 00:12:38,058 Another small problem with the Alfa 223 00:12:38,125 --> 00:12:39,426 that I didn't mention earlier 224 00:12:39,492 --> 00:12:41,628 is that you get cramp after five minutes. 225 00:12:41,694 --> 00:12:43,230 (GROANS) 226 00:12:43,296 --> 00:12:45,833 Ooh! Arg! 227 00:12:45,833 --> 00:12:47,835 I'm gonna have to stop and go for a walk, 228 00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:49,436 and they'll want to know why, 229 00:12:49,502 --> 00:12:52,505 and I'll have to tell them I need a wee or something. 230 00:12:52,572 --> 00:12:53,974 No, diarrhoea. 231 00:12:54,041 --> 00:12:56,409 Sorry, I've got to stop. I've got to stop. 232 00:12:56,476 --> 00:12:59,712 RADIO: I'm just stopping for a minute here. Hang on. 233 00:12:59,847 --> 00:13:01,248 Why are you stopping for a minute? 234 00:13:02,415 --> 00:13:04,217 JEREMY: Ohhh! Nothing. 235 00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:05,853 Well, why are you hopping about? 236 00:13:05,886 --> 00:13:08,688 Look at the snowy mountains. 237 00:13:08,755 --> 00:13:10,457 You are welcome to Morocco. 238 00:13:10,523 --> 00:13:13,660 Ah, merci, monsieur. Comment ça va? 239 00:13:13,726 --> 00:13:15,195 JAMES: God above. 240 00:13:17,064 --> 00:13:18,665 -Have you got cramp? -No. 241 00:13:18,731 --> 00:13:20,233 Yes, you have. 242 00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:23,170 Right, good. Well, I've seen the view. 243 00:13:23,236 --> 00:13:26,239 I just wanted to see the view, and it's lovely. 244 00:13:31,744 --> 00:13:34,882 JEREMY: Back on the road, James suddenly delivered 245 00:13:34,882 --> 00:13:38,151 a very un-James-manlike observation. 246 00:13:38,218 --> 00:13:41,554 My car is seriously quick! 247 00:13:41,621 --> 00:13:43,156 It's not as fast as this. 248 00:13:43,991 --> 00:13:45,325 Yeah, I bet it is. 249 00:13:45,392 --> 00:13:51,531 James, this has a turbocharged 1750cc engine 250 00:13:51,598 --> 00:13:53,033 from a Fiat Punto. 251 00:13:53,100 --> 00:13:57,004 Mine's 2L with a twin-scroll turbocharger. 252 00:13:57,070 --> 00:14:02,142 Have you noticed Hammond is being strangely quiet on the subject of speed? 253 00:14:02,209 --> 00:14:05,012 Oh, just listening to you two bicker. 254 00:14:05,078 --> 00:14:08,115 I am a bit down on power, if I'm honest. 255 00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:14,154 I think Hammond's in a sort of retirement home for former distressed sports-car owners. 256 00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:20,693 JEREMY: (RADIO) Right, next straight bit of road, James May, 257 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:25,032 I will pull over and show you what real speed is. 258 00:14:26,566 --> 00:14:28,401 -Cows. -(MOOING) 259 00:14:28,468 --> 00:14:31,004 RICHARD: (RADIO) On a roof rack. I've never seen that. 260 00:14:33,473 --> 00:14:37,277 JEREMY: Soon, we found a suitable stretch of road... 261 00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:40,080 ...and Hammond agreed to be the starter. 262 00:14:42,482 --> 00:14:45,618 -I've got launch control. -Not interested. 263 00:14:45,685 --> 00:14:47,955 (REVVING) 264 00:14:48,021 --> 00:14:50,757 JEREMY: Are you ready? Before anyone comes. 265 00:14:50,823 --> 00:14:53,994 RICHARD: In three, two, one, go! 266 00:14:59,766 --> 00:15:01,601 Well, now, that's just impossible! 267 00:15:06,206 --> 00:15:08,208 It's the Zenos... 268 00:15:08,275 --> 00:15:10,677 which means James May has just won a drag race. 269 00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:12,445 (TYRES SQUEALING) 270 00:15:12,512 --> 00:15:17,017 JEREMY: But for me, that wasn't the biggest surprise. 271 00:15:17,084 --> 00:15:20,320 I don't understand why this lost, 272 00:15:20,387 --> 00:15:22,990 because instead of a conventional chassis, 273 00:15:23,023 --> 00:15:25,125 it has a carbon-fibre tub, 274 00:15:25,192 --> 00:15:27,894 like you get in a Formula One car 275 00:15:27,995 --> 00:15:29,997 or a McLaren P1. 276 00:15:29,997 --> 00:15:36,669 And a carbon-fibre tub makes a car... expensive, but light. 277 00:15:36,736 --> 00:15:38,838 Very light. 278 00:15:38,905 --> 00:15:41,608 (RADIO) I'm trying to work out why I lost that race. 279 00:15:41,674 --> 00:15:44,877 I think it's cos your car isn't as fast as mine. 280 00:15:45,012 --> 00:15:46,179 RICHARD: That was a factor. 281 00:15:46,246 --> 00:15:49,049 Yeah, but mine is so light. 282 00:15:49,116 --> 00:15:50,383 RICHARD: How do you know it's light? 283 00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:51,418 Every time Alfa say how much it weighs, 284 00:15:51,484 --> 00:15:53,253 they give a different figure. 285 00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:55,055 JEREMY: Yeah, that's because they've got 286 00:15:55,122 --> 00:15:58,658 better things to do than go around weighing cars. 287 00:15:58,725 --> 00:16:00,793 When Picasso had finished one of his paintings, 288 00:16:00,860 --> 00:16:03,830 he didn't say, "Oh, I wonder how much that weighs." 289 00:16:03,896 --> 00:16:07,134 You need to know the weight of an Alfa for when you resell it, 290 00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:09,736 because you buy scrap cars by weight. 291 00:16:11,438 --> 00:16:13,806 JEREMY: With the Zenos, that was built in Norfolk, 292 00:16:13,873 --> 00:16:15,908 so obviously they're gonna weigh it - there's nothing else to do. 293 00:16:16,043 --> 00:16:18,045 This is from Milan. 294 00:16:18,078 --> 00:16:22,149 They finished making it, and then they went into town with one and pulled girls. 295 00:16:24,351 --> 00:16:25,818 JAMES: (RADIO) It's massive and it's made of pig iron, 296 00:16:25,885 --> 00:16:27,120 that's the problem. 297 00:16:27,187 --> 00:16:29,122 I can see the carbon fibre... 298 00:16:29,189 --> 00:16:33,260 JEREMY: The weight argument raged on for the rest of the journey. 299 00:16:34,927 --> 00:16:37,564 So, that night, at the hotel, 300 00:16:37,630 --> 00:16:39,466 I came up with a plan. 301 00:16:39,532 --> 00:16:42,069 I'm gonna weigh all three cars 302 00:16:42,069 --> 00:16:45,872 to prove the Alfa's the lightest. 303 00:16:45,938 --> 00:16:49,176 The problem with your plan is that you'd need a weighbridge, and... 304 00:16:49,242 --> 00:16:50,543 -Yes. -Well, hang on. 305 00:16:50,610 --> 00:16:52,379 -Well, get one. -No, there isn't one. 306 00:16:52,445 --> 00:16:54,714 I have got the hotel brochure here, actually, 307 00:16:54,781 --> 00:16:57,617 and, do you know, it's got three restaurants, 308 00:16:57,684 --> 00:17:02,455 a spa, and a gym, a business centre, tennis court. 309 00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:03,923 JEREMY: Mm-hm. -But with one glaring omission. 310 00:17:03,990 --> 00:17:05,792 -What? -There's no weighbridge. 311 00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:09,196 -No! -They haven't thought of that. I'd knock a star off. 312 00:17:10,130 --> 00:17:12,265 I shall build one. 313 00:17:12,332 --> 00:17:15,102 I shall build a weighbridge, and then you shall see. 314 00:17:17,104 --> 00:17:19,472 (CHEERING) 315 00:17:19,539 --> 00:17:21,708 -I will build a weighbridge. -That could have been 316 00:17:21,774 --> 00:17:26,913 a really useful and interesting test, and you've ruined it. 317 00:17:26,979 --> 00:17:28,981 People are interested in Alfa Romeos! 318 00:17:29,116 --> 00:17:31,718 People are interested in murders, they don't want to see one. 319 00:17:31,784 --> 00:17:34,821 Anyway, anyway, we'll have more of that later on, 320 00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:37,957 but first, it is now time for us to engage reverse 321 00:17:38,024 --> 00:17:42,229 and park neatly in a marked space on Conversation Street. 322 00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:44,797 (SMOOTH JAZZ) 323 00:17:46,499 --> 00:17:47,734 (LAUGHTER) 324 00:17:50,137 --> 00:17:55,608 Right, now, which nation on earth has the worst police cars? 325 00:17:55,675 --> 00:17:58,745 Oh, that's some good conversation. I like that one. 326 00:17:58,811 --> 00:18:01,748 The worst police cars, it's definitely not the Americans, is it, 327 00:18:01,814 --> 00:18:04,284 because they have those Crown Vics, and they're rearwheel drive V8s. 328 00:18:04,351 --> 00:18:08,521 -That's what you need. -They're good police cars. Not the Americans. 329 00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:11,991 -Erm... -It's us. It's the British. 330 00:18:12,058 --> 00:18:15,628 Yeah. We have those dreary little Vauxhall diesel Astras. 331 00:18:15,695 --> 00:18:17,063 Opels if you live here. 332 00:18:17,164 --> 00:18:19,732 Or, if you're in America, those miserable little Chevrolets 333 00:18:19,799 --> 00:18:21,534 that are actually Daewoos. It's awful. 334 00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:23,270 Most countries around the world 335 00:18:23,336 --> 00:18:25,672 would traditionally have always had a police car that was made there, 336 00:18:25,738 --> 00:18:27,574 one of their own cars. Wouldn't they? 337 00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:29,376 And the funny thing is, that's not what they used to do here. 338 00:18:29,442 --> 00:18:30,410 -In Holland? -No. 339 00:18:30,477 --> 00:18:32,345 You don't surprise me. 340 00:18:32,412 --> 00:18:36,816 What they actually had for many years, about 30 years, was Porsches. 341 00:18:36,883 --> 00:18:39,852 -What? -The police used Porsches, yeah. Remember? Yeah. 342 00:18:39,919 --> 00:18:42,422 -Do you know, I'd forgotten. You're right, they did. -They did. 343 00:18:42,489 --> 00:18:44,491 How did they persuade the government? 344 00:18:44,557 --> 00:18:47,026 It's masterful. It's genius. 345 00:18:47,093 --> 00:18:48,628 Absolute respect to everybody who did it. 346 00:18:48,695 --> 00:18:51,298 What they did was say, "Right, we need... 347 00:18:51,364 --> 00:18:52,932 Hm. I think we need a Porsche 348 00:18:52,999 --> 00:18:56,002 because it's air-cooled and the engine is at the back, 349 00:18:56,068 --> 00:19:00,072 and that would be handy if we have to reverse at high speed for a long time." 350 00:19:00,207 --> 00:19:01,341 They actually said that? 351 00:19:01,408 --> 00:19:02,775 They did. And this gets better. 352 00:19:02,842 --> 00:19:05,245 And I'm not making this up. They did say this. 353 00:19:05,312 --> 00:19:07,280 They need a car where you can remove the roof 354 00:19:07,347 --> 00:19:11,384 so you can stand on the seats to address traffic in an emergency situation. 355 00:19:11,451 --> 00:19:14,287 So what they need is a 911 Targa, 356 00:19:14,354 --> 00:19:16,856 and matching sunglasses, I presume, yes. 357 00:19:16,923 --> 00:19:19,759 Did they also say, "And it comes with 911 on the back 358 00:19:19,826 --> 00:19:21,628 which is our telephone number"? 359 00:19:21,694 --> 00:19:24,264 The thing is, it doesn't, and they're still at it, 360 00:19:24,331 --> 00:19:26,799 because the cycle cops around here, 361 00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:28,034 and there's a lot of them, 362 00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:29,636 they managed to persuade the government 363 00:19:29,702 --> 00:19:33,005 that they need mountain bikes. 364 00:19:33,072 --> 00:19:34,707 -What, here? -In Holland. 365 00:19:34,774 --> 00:19:37,410 It's the flattest country on earth 366 00:19:37,477 --> 00:19:39,379 and they need mountain bikes! 367 00:19:39,446 --> 00:19:41,581 "Yes, I might see a mountain." What?! 368 00:19:42,815 --> 00:19:43,916 The best thing... 369 00:19:47,987 --> 00:19:51,458 The best thing is, it gives us an opportunity to have one more look 370 00:19:51,524 --> 00:19:55,061 at a photograph of the Dutch mountain cop police. 371 00:19:55,127 --> 00:19:57,564 -There they are. -(LAUGHTER) 372 00:19:57,630 --> 00:19:59,699 -Now, I want to talk about otters. -(LAUGHTER) 373 00:19:59,766 --> 00:20:01,468 -What? -I want to talk about otters. 374 00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:03,636 You see, a few years ago somebody in Holland 375 00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:08,475 worked out that there were only 185 otters in the entire country. 376 00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:10,042 Yeah, Jeremy, it's a car show. 377 00:20:10,109 --> 00:20:12,712 Bear with me, OK, because I've got the figures here. 378 00:20:12,779 --> 00:20:17,550 In 2014, 21 of these otters were run over. 379 00:20:17,617 --> 00:20:22,255 OK? In 2015, 49 were run over. 380 00:20:22,322 --> 00:20:25,558 You only have 185 otters in the whole country, 381 00:20:25,625 --> 00:20:30,863 and in two years, you've flattened 70 of them under your cars. 382 00:20:30,930 --> 00:20:33,333 -What is your problem with otters?! -(LAUGHTER) 383 00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:35,668 The thing is that I don't want people to get the wrong impression. 384 00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:39,406 I don't want everyone to think that Dutch people go around murdering animals. 385 00:20:39,472 --> 00:20:40,773 Let me explain. 386 00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:45,177 Recently, the government here spent 150,000 euros, 387 00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:47,213 and that's £150,000, 388 00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:49,282 £160,000, £170,000... 389 00:20:49,349 --> 00:20:51,050 -That's Brexit for you. -(LAUGHTER) 390 00:20:51,117 --> 00:20:55,655 We can't even afford to put mayonnaise on our chips now any more. 391 00:20:55,722 --> 00:21:00,993 Er... Anyway, they spent 150,000 euros on a bridge over a road 392 00:21:01,060 --> 00:21:02,729 so squirrels could cross safely. 393 00:21:02,795 --> 00:21:05,398 We've got a picture of the bridge. It's a substantial thing. 394 00:21:05,465 --> 00:21:07,133 You know this bridge? A famous bridge? 395 00:21:07,199 --> 00:21:10,102 -That's a squirrel bridge? -Yeah, it's a squirrel bridge. 396 00:21:10,169 --> 00:21:13,906 Anyway, how many squirrels do you think have used it? 397 00:21:15,141 --> 00:21:16,809 A squillion. 398 00:21:16,876 --> 00:21:19,979 I see where you're going with that one, James. No, it isn't. 399 00:21:20,046 --> 00:21:21,147 I've got the figures here. 400 00:21:21,213 --> 00:21:24,451 "CCTV footage has revealed, in 2014, 401 00:21:24,517 --> 00:21:26,553 three squirrels used it. 402 00:21:26,619 --> 00:21:30,357 In 2015, it was used only twice." 403 00:21:30,423 --> 00:21:34,661 Well, why didn't the third squirrel use it again in 2015? 404 00:21:34,727 --> 00:21:36,929 -It probably got run over. -Yeah. 405 00:21:36,996 --> 00:21:39,799 By somebody mistaking him for an otter. 406 00:21:39,866 --> 00:21:41,033 Get it! Get it! 407 00:21:42,402 --> 00:21:44,036 Now... Er... 408 00:21:44,103 --> 00:21:47,507 You've probably read the other day, the Dutch are taking a view 409 00:21:47,574 --> 00:21:49,676 on whether to allow people to... 410 00:21:49,742 --> 00:21:50,943 (SIGHS) 411 00:21:51,010 --> 00:21:53,413 How can I put this? Assisted dying of somebody - 412 00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:56,749 feels as though their life is complete, OK? 413 00:21:56,816 --> 00:21:58,785 This is something that occupies me a lot, 414 00:21:58,851 --> 00:22:01,688 I'll be honest with you, because I sometimes think... 415 00:22:01,754 --> 00:22:04,156 "Oh, have I done enough now?" 416 00:22:04,223 --> 00:22:05,858 OTHERS: Yes. -No. 417 00:22:07,059 --> 00:22:08,395 No, you know, when? 418 00:22:08,461 --> 00:22:10,196 When would it be appropriate for me to think, 419 00:22:10,262 --> 00:22:11,998 "Time to end." 420 00:22:12,064 --> 00:22:13,933 OTHERS: Now. -No. 421 00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:18,137 -May I get on with it? -Yeah, do. Do it now. 422 00:22:18,204 --> 00:22:20,973 No, what I want to say is, OK... 423 00:22:21,040 --> 00:22:22,575 I'll get the forms, there can't be many. 424 00:22:22,642 --> 00:22:24,210 The time comes... Ssh! 425 00:22:24,276 --> 00:22:27,880 The time, I think, comes when you stop wanting to be an idiot. 426 00:22:27,947 --> 00:22:29,649 That's the time when you've done enough. 427 00:22:29,716 --> 00:22:31,684 - I know what you mean. - No, actually, you are right, 428 00:22:31,751 --> 00:22:34,253 cos I think it's the moment where you go into a big department store, 429 00:22:34,320 --> 00:22:38,257 and you go into the kitchenware section, and you see a tea cosy, 430 00:22:38,324 --> 00:22:39,792 but you don't put it on your head. 431 00:22:39,859 --> 00:22:41,728 -(LAUGHTER) -Exactly. 432 00:22:41,794 --> 00:22:44,764 Not putting things on your head is a sign it's time. 433 00:22:44,831 --> 00:22:47,500 And the time you don't want to put gloves on your ears 434 00:22:47,567 --> 00:22:49,436 and pretend to be a reindeer. 435 00:22:49,502 --> 00:22:51,438 (LAUGHTER) 436 00:22:51,504 --> 00:22:54,441 -I think that's just you, Hammond. -It's just me, isn't it? 437 00:22:54,474 --> 00:22:56,443 Here's the moment I think you know. 438 00:22:56,509 --> 00:22:59,546 You're driving up a motorway. There's a train track next to you. 439 00:22:59,612 --> 00:23:02,048 A train comes. It could be one of those fast ones. 440 00:23:02,114 --> 00:23:05,351 The day when you don't try and race the train, 441 00:23:05,452 --> 00:23:06,686 that's the day. 442 00:23:06,753 --> 00:23:08,521 -Yes. -I have to race the train. 443 00:23:08,588 --> 00:23:10,490 I have to go faster than the train 444 00:23:10,557 --> 00:23:12,291 so everyone on the train looks at me and goes, 445 00:23:12,358 --> 00:23:13,960 "I've made the wrong travel choice. 446 00:23:14,026 --> 00:23:16,062 "I should have gone in the car. It's quicker." 447 00:23:16,128 --> 00:23:19,198 If you're ever on a train and you look out of the window, 448 00:23:19,265 --> 00:23:22,001 you're overtaking me and I can't be bothered to race you, 449 00:23:22,068 --> 00:23:26,639 it's because I'm on my way to the new Dutch death clinic. 450 00:23:26,706 --> 00:23:27,674 And that is the end of Conversation Street. 451 00:23:27,740 --> 00:23:29,642 Now, if you have children, 452 00:23:29,709 --> 00:23:32,512 there's every chance they'll spend every spare second they have 453 00:23:32,579 --> 00:23:34,013 playing Zombie Splatter 7 , 454 00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:36,215 or some other such computer game, 455 00:23:36,282 --> 00:23:39,118 but what about more traditional board games? 456 00:23:39,185 --> 00:23:42,622 Kids these days say they're not interested in such games, 457 00:23:42,689 --> 00:23:46,258 but I believe they would be if they were bigger 458 00:23:46,325 --> 00:23:48,160 and involved cars. 459 00:23:51,297 --> 00:23:52,899 To prove our point, 460 00:23:52,965 --> 00:23:56,503 we've come here, to the countryside. 461 00:23:58,538 --> 00:24:00,406 And on the board-game front, 462 00:24:00,507 --> 00:24:02,274 we shall start with a classic. 463 00:24:02,341 --> 00:24:05,812 A game where two players try and guess where each other's ships are, 464 00:24:05,878 --> 00:24:09,048 and then blow them up by firing missiles at them. 465 00:24:09,115 --> 00:24:10,316 It's a simple game, 466 00:24:10,382 --> 00:24:13,319 and, as such, if you want to play it with cars, 467 00:24:13,385 --> 00:24:14,954 you don't need much. 468 00:24:17,289 --> 00:24:19,526 In fact, all you need 469 00:24:19,592 --> 00:24:22,261 is a massive former Cold War airfield 470 00:24:22,328 --> 00:24:26,633 with enough tarmac to accommodate the board for your board game. 471 00:24:28,935 --> 00:24:31,303 With a big enough slab of airfield, 472 00:24:31,370 --> 00:24:32,972 you can then lay out your grid, 473 00:24:33,039 --> 00:24:35,542 onto which you can place your battleships. 474 00:24:35,608 --> 00:24:37,076 And all you need for that 475 00:24:37,143 --> 00:24:40,246 is several thousand pounds' worth of old cars. 476 00:24:41,614 --> 00:24:43,616 But not any old cars. 477 00:24:43,683 --> 00:24:45,317 This stretch limo, for example, 478 00:24:45,384 --> 00:24:49,055 may have seen active service on hundreds of hen nights, 479 00:24:49,121 --> 00:24:53,092 but it makes the perfect aircraft carrier. 480 00:24:53,159 --> 00:24:55,061 And then there's this Toyota Prius. 481 00:24:55,127 --> 00:24:58,064 Its electric engine makes it perfect as a submarine, 482 00:24:58,130 --> 00:24:59,632 silent running. 483 00:24:59,699 --> 00:25:03,069 And then there's this Chrysler PT Cruiser convertible. 484 00:25:03,135 --> 00:25:05,838 There is no naval equivalent for this car, 485 00:25:05,905 --> 00:25:07,273 but who cares if we blow it up? 486 00:25:07,339 --> 00:25:09,576 Because it is, after all, crap. 487 00:25:09,576 --> 00:25:15,447 And speaking of blowing up, we now come to the missiles. 488 00:25:15,582 --> 00:25:20,152 For these, you need a car that is frightening and lethal. 489 00:25:20,219 --> 00:25:24,657 A car that strikes fear into other motorists. 490 00:25:24,724 --> 00:25:27,459 And what better car could there be for this job 491 00:25:27,594 --> 00:25:29,796 than the magnificent G-Wiz? 492 00:25:30,997 --> 00:25:33,432 All I needed now was an opponent, 493 00:25:33,499 --> 00:25:35,201 a board-game veteran, 494 00:25:35,267 --> 00:25:38,137 a man who thinks Call Of Duty 495 00:25:38,204 --> 00:25:40,306 is a visit to the lavatory. 496 00:25:40,372 --> 00:25:42,975 That's excellent, Hammond. You've thought of everything. 497 00:25:43,042 --> 00:25:45,612 I know, I have. Containers as the fence. 498 00:25:45,645 --> 00:25:47,847 A fireman, in case things get out of hand. 499 00:25:47,914 --> 00:25:50,683 A health-and-safety bloke to stop us blowing ourselves up. 500 00:25:50,750 --> 00:25:53,886 Cars that look exactly like ships. The lot. 501 00:25:53,953 --> 00:25:56,122 But how will you fire the missiles at the cars? 502 00:25:56,188 --> 00:26:00,660 Well, that is the real genius in my plan. 503 00:26:00,727 --> 00:26:02,995 Easy, powerful and proven. 504 00:26:03,062 --> 00:26:05,898 Fire the G-Wiz missiles with the movie cannon. 505 00:26:05,965 --> 00:26:08,968 -You reckon that's accurate enough? -Well, it's a cannon. 506 00:26:09,035 --> 00:26:10,903 But you've got to hit a specific square. 507 00:26:10,970 --> 00:26:14,707 You aim the cannon. You adjust the trajectory and the elevation. 508 00:26:14,774 --> 00:26:17,644 -You can work that out? -It's a cannon. 509 00:26:17,644 --> 00:26:20,780 To shut James up, I took one of the spare cars 510 00:26:20,847 --> 00:26:22,949 to demonstrate a practice shot. 511 00:26:24,283 --> 00:26:25,918 Right, we're all set. 512 00:26:25,985 --> 00:26:28,354 It's fully charged. Pressure's good. Fire. 513 00:26:28,420 --> 00:26:29,689 (METALLIC CLUNK) 514 00:26:38,831 --> 00:26:42,334 JAMES: I had a better idea for the weapons-launching system. 515 00:26:56,683 --> 00:26:58,150 So, there you go. 516 00:26:58,217 --> 00:27:00,552 You call out the grid reference that you want, 517 00:27:00,687 --> 00:27:03,923 and the driver just manoeuvres the jib exactly over that square, 518 00:27:03,990 --> 00:27:05,692 and then drops the G-Wiz missile. 519 00:27:05,692 --> 00:27:08,327 It is absolutely unerringly accurate. 520 00:27:08,394 --> 00:27:09,962 I like that. 521 00:27:10,029 --> 00:27:13,733 Unlike everything else I've done here, with all this stuff, 522 00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:17,970 this is all things you can do at home in your garden. 523 00:27:18,037 --> 00:27:20,006 RICHARD: With the giant containers 524 00:27:20,072 --> 00:27:25,177 making sure neither of us could see what the other was doing, 525 00:27:25,244 --> 00:27:29,415 ...James and I moved our battleships into place. 526 00:27:29,481 --> 00:27:31,350 (BEEPING) 527 00:27:31,417 --> 00:27:35,788 And with the board laid out, it was time to play. 528 00:27:35,855 --> 00:27:39,158 Right, the hen-night limos each require two hits to be sunk. 529 00:27:39,225 --> 00:27:43,095 (RADIO) Both the motorhomes, they each require two hits to be sunk as well. 530 00:27:43,162 --> 00:27:45,932 And then my Prius and your PT Cruiser, 531 00:27:45,998 --> 00:27:48,100 they each require one to be sunk. 532 00:27:48,167 --> 00:27:50,770 We've got ten G-Wiz missiles each. 533 00:27:50,837 --> 00:27:52,972 Five hits needed to win. Got it? 534 00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:55,541 Yes, right. 535 00:27:55,607 --> 00:27:59,245 Having won the toss, James would be first to fire, 536 00:27:59,311 --> 00:28:02,381 but I had a cunning plan to thwart him. 537 00:28:02,448 --> 00:28:06,953 What I've done is put a couple of my ships right out on the edges, 538 00:28:07,019 --> 00:28:10,456 because James will think, "Hammond's a bit thick, 539 00:28:10,522 --> 00:28:13,793 and it's a typically amateurish tactic to put your ships on the edge, 540 00:28:13,860 --> 00:28:15,127 so that's what he'll have done." 541 00:28:15,194 --> 00:28:17,129 But then he'll think, "Hang on. 542 00:28:17,196 --> 00:28:19,131 Even Hammond's not that thick. 543 00:28:19,198 --> 00:28:21,333 He just wants me to think he's thick, 544 00:28:21,400 --> 00:28:24,003 so he'll have put his cars in the middle." 545 00:28:24,070 --> 00:28:26,638 James will then not go for the edges, 546 00:28:26,773 --> 00:28:28,274 he'll go for the middle. 547 00:28:28,340 --> 00:28:31,077 But my ships will be at the edges. 548 00:28:31,143 --> 00:28:34,680 It's like a... double, or even a triple bluff. 549 00:28:34,781 --> 00:28:36,348 Now, Hammond is a bit thick, really, 550 00:28:36,415 --> 00:28:39,418 so I reckon he'll have put his all around the edges. 551 00:28:41,653 --> 00:28:43,890 D2, please. 552 00:28:47,226 --> 00:28:48,360 Fire! 553 00:28:54,834 --> 00:28:56,268 (GASPS) 554 00:28:56,335 --> 00:28:57,804 (LAUGHS) 555 00:28:58,938 --> 00:29:02,809 -What was that? -It was my limo. 556 00:29:02,842 --> 00:29:06,145 Hit on your limo on D2, thank you. Your shot. 557 00:29:09,115 --> 00:29:13,685 Red crane driver, I'd like C4, please. C4. 558 00:29:13,820 --> 00:29:15,054 (RADIO) Fire! 559 00:29:20,426 --> 00:29:21,727 (SNIGGERS) 560 00:29:21,828 --> 00:29:24,663 (RADIO) That's a miss. 561 00:29:24,730 --> 00:29:27,599 C4, miss. 562 00:29:27,666 --> 00:29:29,168 Back to my original theory. 563 00:29:29,235 --> 00:29:30,569 Hammond will have gone along the edge, 564 00:29:30,636 --> 00:29:31,838 I'm pretty confident in that. 565 00:29:31,904 --> 00:29:34,506 So is it there, or is it there? 566 00:29:34,573 --> 00:29:39,145 (RADIO) Green crane driver, fire at D1. 567 00:29:39,211 --> 00:29:40,346 Fire! 568 00:29:44,483 --> 00:29:45,918 (YELLS) 569 00:29:46,886 --> 00:29:50,622 -Yes! -You sank my limousine! 570 00:29:50,689 --> 00:29:56,395 One sinking to me, a miss for Admiral Hammond. 571 00:29:56,462 --> 00:29:59,031 (RADIO) And you've overdone the explosives. 572 00:30:01,300 --> 00:30:03,369 One plan would be, if you're playing this at home, 573 00:30:03,435 --> 00:30:06,305 do it on a day when there's a lot of barbecues in the area. 574 00:30:06,372 --> 00:30:08,374 That way, people will just think, "Well, yeah, 575 00:30:08,440 --> 00:30:11,243 it's a big barbecue they're having next door." 576 00:30:12,644 --> 00:30:14,513 RICHARD: With my aircraft carrier gone 577 00:30:14,580 --> 00:30:19,185 and James's fleet unscathed, I had to break my duck. 578 00:30:19,251 --> 00:30:22,154 I'd like you to hit B2, please. 579 00:30:25,524 --> 00:30:26,893 Damn! 580 00:30:26,959 --> 00:30:28,360 B2. Well... 581 00:30:28,427 --> 00:30:30,429 Well, there's no... Where are they?! 582 00:30:30,496 --> 00:30:31,797 I've just got a feeling. 583 00:30:31,864 --> 00:30:34,901 B1. B1, please. 584 00:30:40,439 --> 00:30:42,274 (HAMMOND CACKLES) 585 00:30:42,341 --> 00:30:45,477 Red crane driver, can I have square A1? 586 00:30:47,914 --> 00:30:49,415 (RADIO) Fire! 587 00:30:53,085 --> 00:30:54,653 HAMMOND: Oooh! Ooh-hoo-hoo! 588 00:30:54,720 --> 00:30:56,422 Yes! Come on! 589 00:30:56,488 --> 00:30:59,825 Oh, you are on the run! That is it! Want to give up? 590 00:30:59,892 --> 00:31:02,128 You've sunk my Cruiser. 591 00:31:02,194 --> 00:31:07,033 So that's a big red kill on A1. Boom! 592 00:31:07,099 --> 00:31:10,036 But James wasn't taking this lying down. 593 00:31:11,670 --> 00:31:14,440 C3. Fire! 594 00:31:18,410 --> 00:31:19,511 Yes! 595 00:31:19,578 --> 00:31:20,579 You hit my submarine, 596 00:31:20,646 --> 00:31:22,949 my invisible, silent-running Prius. 597 00:31:22,982 --> 00:31:24,416 (CHUCKLES) 598 00:31:25,284 --> 00:31:27,219 RICHARD: I am losing badly. 599 00:31:27,286 --> 00:31:29,989 I've scored only one hit, he's scored three. 600 00:31:31,257 --> 00:31:33,325 But then the game started to turn, 601 00:31:33,392 --> 00:31:36,762 as James had a run of three straight misses. 602 00:31:36,828 --> 00:31:38,197 JAMES: (RADIO) Fire! 603 00:31:45,371 --> 00:31:46,772 (RICHARD LAUGHS) 604 00:31:46,838 --> 00:31:48,540 It was a miss! Ha-ha! 605 00:31:48,607 --> 00:31:51,010 Thank you. I'm closing down my options. 606 00:31:51,077 --> 00:31:55,814 It would close your options down further if you were to hit rather than miss. 607 00:31:55,881 --> 00:31:59,685 Which was exactly what I was now doing. 608 00:31:59,751 --> 00:32:00,987 B3, please. 609 00:32:04,490 --> 00:32:06,225 A3, please. 610 00:32:10,529 --> 00:32:11,797 Yes! 611 00:32:11,863 --> 00:32:14,333 You've sunk my battleship. 612 00:32:14,400 --> 00:32:16,568 I am raining down destruction 613 00:32:16,635 --> 00:32:19,171 on your dwindling fleet of doomed ships. 614 00:32:19,238 --> 00:32:20,672 You loser. Ha-ha! 615 00:32:20,739 --> 00:32:23,509 No, I'm not losing. We're neck and neck. 616 00:32:24,710 --> 00:32:27,113 Annoyingly, James was right. 617 00:32:27,179 --> 00:32:29,681 I still had my battleship Winnebago, 618 00:32:29,748 --> 00:32:32,851 and he still had his stretched aircraft carrier, 619 00:32:32,918 --> 00:32:36,688 both of which needed two hits to destroy. 620 00:32:36,755 --> 00:32:38,490 It was May's turn to play. 621 00:32:41,027 --> 00:32:42,394 B2. 622 00:32:42,461 --> 00:32:45,031 RICHARD: Critical stage of the game now. 623 00:32:45,031 --> 00:32:46,732 A hit now and I'm in trouble. 624 00:32:47,933 --> 00:32:49,335 Fire! 625 00:32:50,536 --> 00:32:51,570 Come on. 626 00:32:54,806 --> 00:32:57,243 Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! 627 00:32:57,309 --> 00:33:00,579 (GRUNTS) It shouldn't feel so good, but it does. 628 00:33:01,680 --> 00:33:03,282 Oh. 629 00:33:06,052 --> 00:33:08,354 It's gonna be here. 630 00:33:08,420 --> 00:33:11,523 Red crane, target C1, please. C1. 631 00:33:13,625 --> 00:33:14,626 (RADIO) Fire! 632 00:33:18,064 --> 00:33:20,532 Hard luck, Horatio Hammond. 633 00:33:20,599 --> 00:33:22,901 (GROANS) 634 00:33:22,968 --> 00:33:24,770 All I've got to do now, 635 00:33:24,836 --> 00:33:26,772 get inside Richard Hammond's mind. 636 00:33:26,838 --> 00:33:30,942 An awful place, admittedly, but if I can just get in there for a second, 637 00:33:31,077 --> 00:33:32,744 which way has he put it? 638 00:33:32,811 --> 00:33:35,347 There and there; there and there; there and there? 639 00:33:36,648 --> 00:33:38,084 (GROANS) 640 00:33:41,920 --> 00:33:43,255 C2. 641 00:33:48,094 --> 00:33:49,361 Fire! 642 00:33:55,367 --> 00:33:57,569 That'll be a miss. 643 00:33:57,636 --> 00:33:59,638 (CLEARS THROAT) 644 00:33:59,705 --> 00:34:04,476 That, Captain May, was a miss! 645 00:34:04,543 --> 00:34:07,413 (SIGHS) 646 00:34:07,479 --> 00:34:12,251 However, while James now had to choose between just two squares, 647 00:34:12,318 --> 00:34:14,786 I was looking at a choice of six. 648 00:34:16,155 --> 00:34:19,291 Red crane, target C2, please. C2. 649 00:34:24,230 --> 00:34:27,133 Red crane, fire! 650 00:34:27,166 --> 00:34:28,700 I meant C3! I meant... 651 00:34:33,572 --> 00:34:34,773 Yes! 652 00:34:34,840 --> 00:34:38,144 Oh, yes! Yes! 653 00:34:38,210 --> 00:34:40,679 (WHISPERS) Bollocks. 654 00:34:40,746 --> 00:34:44,816 RICHARD: That mistaken shot wasn't just a hit, 655 00:34:44,883 --> 00:34:46,952 it had changed everything. 656 00:34:47,018 --> 00:34:49,788 Because I said C2, when actually I meant three, 657 00:34:49,855 --> 00:34:51,723 in case it was there, 658 00:34:51,790 --> 00:34:53,225 that's a kill - bang - 659 00:34:53,292 --> 00:34:54,860 which means it has to be there. 660 00:34:54,926 --> 00:34:57,263 It can't be here or here, so I've got him. 661 00:34:57,329 --> 00:34:59,298 James, you do know what that means, don't you? 662 00:34:59,365 --> 00:35:00,932 (RADIO) Yes, I've just worked it out. 663 00:35:00,999 --> 00:35:03,535 I've got to get this right, otherwise you've won. 664 00:35:03,602 --> 00:35:07,606 -Do you want to surrender? -No, I don't! 665 00:35:07,673 --> 00:35:10,509 JAMES: So, I was now faced with the choice 666 00:35:10,576 --> 00:35:12,744 that would decide the game. 667 00:35:14,180 --> 00:35:17,649 A2 or B3? 668 00:35:17,716 --> 00:35:20,519 A2, B3. What would Richard Hammond do? 669 00:35:23,289 --> 00:35:24,556 Green-crane driver... 670 00:35:28,694 --> 00:35:29,895 Oh, God. 671 00:35:34,300 --> 00:35:36,835 Come on, you bewildered old spaniel - miss. 672 00:35:39,238 --> 00:35:41,440 Right. Fire! 673 00:35:54,986 --> 00:35:57,623 Yes! Yes! 674 00:35:57,689 --> 00:35:58,757 Ha-ha! 675 00:35:58,824 --> 00:36:00,226 (GROANS) 676 00:36:02,228 --> 00:36:04,563 Oh, God! 677 00:36:04,630 --> 00:36:05,797 Ha-ha-ha! 678 00:36:05,864 --> 00:36:06,998 Yes! 679 00:36:07,065 --> 00:36:09,100 (HUMS TUNE) 680 00:36:09,235 --> 00:36:10,436 Hammond! 681 00:36:12,238 --> 00:36:14,373 RICHARD: (RADIO) Best of three? 682 00:36:15,874 --> 00:36:17,809 (CHEERING) 683 00:36:17,876 --> 00:36:20,145 JEREMY: I bet... 684 00:36:20,246 --> 00:36:23,349 I bet the makers of Sony PlayStation are quaking in their boots. 685 00:36:23,415 --> 00:36:25,016 Well, I wouldn't be surprised. 686 00:36:25,083 --> 00:36:27,519 -They will go, "Oh, my..." -I know. There's the future. 687 00:36:27,586 --> 00:36:30,689 -That was a total waste of time. -Well, now, hang on. 688 00:36:30,756 --> 00:36:34,393 No, we destroyed a PT Cruiser, a Prius and many G-Wizs. 689 00:36:34,460 --> 00:36:36,728 Well, that's true, yes. But James... 690 00:36:36,795 --> 00:36:38,163 James? 691 00:36:38,264 --> 00:36:39,998 (LAUGHTER) 692 00:36:40,065 --> 00:36:45,471 Never mind. Let's move on to Celebrity Brain Crash. 693 00:36:51,277 --> 00:36:52,978 -(CHEERING) JEREMY: Yeah. Now... 694 00:36:55,781 --> 00:36:57,516 This week... 695 00:36:57,583 --> 00:37:00,652 This week, we don't just have one star, 696 00:37:00,719 --> 00:37:02,488 we have several. 697 00:37:02,554 --> 00:37:04,356 They're one of the biggest bands 698 00:37:04,423 --> 00:37:06,392 ever to come out of Holland, 699 00:37:06,458 --> 00:37:07,659 and they're going to begin here, 700 00:37:07,726 --> 00:37:12,298 in the sixth largest port in the world... 701 00:37:12,298 --> 00:37:13,799 by performing their biggest hit, 702 00:37:13,865 --> 00:37:16,368 by which I mean... their hit. 703 00:37:16,435 --> 00:37:19,137 Ladies and gentlemen, Golden Earring! 704 00:37:19,204 --> 00:37:21,172 (CHEERING) 705 00:37:21,307 --> 00:37:22,408 RICHARD: And there they are. 706 00:37:22,474 --> 00:37:23,809 I tell you what, 707 00:37:23,875 --> 00:37:25,877 we ought to make the lights go a bit better. 708 00:37:25,944 --> 00:37:28,847 Can we dim the lights? That's better. A bit more rock 'n' roll. 709 00:37:28,914 --> 00:37:30,081 What is their hit? 710 00:37:30,148 --> 00:37:33,218 Well, this is Holland, birthplace of the speed camera. 711 00:37:33,319 --> 00:37:35,053 It's obvious. Radar Love. 712 00:37:35,120 --> 00:37:36,688 (BAND PLAYS) 713 00:37:39,925 --> 00:37:43,028 * I've been drivin' all night My hands wet on the wheel * 714 00:37:43,094 --> 00:37:45,030 (ELECTRICAL FIZZING) 715 00:37:49,335 --> 00:37:50,702 RICHARD: Oh... 716 00:37:50,769 --> 00:37:51,837 (LAUGHTER) 717 00:37:51,903 --> 00:37:54,840 JEREMY: OK, ladies and gentlemen, erm... 718 00:37:54,906 --> 00:37:58,344 ...there's a cable's gone into the sea here, and... 719 00:37:58,344 --> 00:38:00,912 ...Golden Earring have been electrocuted. 720 00:38:00,979 --> 00:38:02,514 (LAUGHTER) 721 00:38:02,581 --> 00:38:04,416 Does that mean they're not coming on, then? 722 00:38:04,483 --> 00:38:07,819 Well, James, they've been subjected to a lethal dose of electricity 723 00:38:07,886 --> 00:38:10,822 and are now lying on the ground, sizzling, so it's no. 724 00:38:10,889 --> 00:38:12,958 -They're not, no. -OK, OK. 725 00:38:13,024 --> 00:38:15,927 That is a very grisly scene. I apologise for that, everybody. 726 00:38:15,994 --> 00:38:18,029 Erm... Probably not as grisly, though, 727 00:38:18,096 --> 00:38:21,066 as if you're looking at us from out there. 728 00:38:21,132 --> 00:38:22,768 -Eh? -Well, think about it. 729 00:38:24,269 --> 00:38:26,104 -Oh, yeah! -Yeah. 730 00:38:26,171 --> 00:38:28,907 We are standing in a window in a Dutch port, 731 00:38:28,974 --> 00:38:30,041 bathed in red light... 732 00:38:30,108 --> 00:38:31,377 (LAUGHTER) 733 00:38:31,443 --> 00:38:33,144 ...and we've got no trade lining up. 734 00:38:33,211 --> 00:38:34,513 -Nobody's here. -No. 735 00:38:34,580 --> 00:38:36,748 No, I know! I know! I've had an idea. 736 00:38:36,815 --> 00:38:39,751 I've had an idea of how we can fill the time 737 00:38:39,818 --> 00:38:42,253 that would have been taken up by the late Golden Earring. 738 00:38:42,388 --> 00:38:44,022 You see, the thing is... 739 00:38:44,089 --> 00:38:46,758 Can we make the lights go white again now? Pretend that never happened. 740 00:38:46,825 --> 00:38:48,960 Good. See, the thing is that, in Holland, 741 00:38:49,027 --> 00:38:51,730 there are these motorist accessory stores, OK? 742 00:38:51,797 --> 00:38:54,165 -Oh, yeah. -They're open all night. The place is full. 743 00:38:54,232 --> 00:38:57,503 We went to one last night and bought a load of amazing stuff 744 00:38:57,569 --> 00:39:00,138 you can use on the road. 745 00:39:00,205 --> 00:39:02,441 Bring it over here. Let's show you a couple of things, 746 00:39:02,508 --> 00:39:03,542 I mean, this, for example. 747 00:39:03,609 --> 00:39:05,076 It's an incredible safety device. 748 00:39:05,143 --> 00:39:06,612 -(LAUGHTER) -Yeah. 749 00:39:06,678 --> 00:39:10,416 This is very clever, because in a lot of car crashes, 750 00:39:10,416 --> 00:39:12,651 people bite their tongues, sometimes off. 751 00:39:12,718 --> 00:39:15,487 But by wearing this neat safety device, 752 00:39:15,554 --> 00:39:16,855 no way is he biting his tongue. 753 00:39:16,922 --> 00:39:18,790 Look at that! Perfectly safe. That is clever. 754 00:39:18,857 --> 00:39:20,626 Unbelievable. And then you can get traffic cones 755 00:39:20,692 --> 00:39:22,761 that fit in the glovebox. 756 00:39:22,828 --> 00:39:24,463 -This is one here. -(LAUGHTER) 757 00:39:26,031 --> 00:39:28,500 RICHARD: Yeah. -It's not funny stuff, this is safety material. 758 00:39:28,567 --> 00:39:32,103 -Another one. -These are compact, so you can fit them in your boot. 759 00:39:32,170 --> 00:39:34,706 The thing is, though, OK, in America, 760 00:39:34,773 --> 00:39:37,543 as I'm sure you know, there are high-occupancy vehicle lanes. 761 00:39:37,609 --> 00:39:40,178 Er... You're not allowed to go in them 762 00:39:40,245 --> 00:39:42,714 unless you've got two or more people in the car. 763 00:39:42,781 --> 00:39:44,450 We've always been very worried in Europe 764 00:39:44,450 --> 00:39:46,452 that this idea is gonna come over here, 765 00:39:46,518 --> 00:39:48,754 but the Dutch have it covered, 766 00:39:48,820 --> 00:39:51,657 because in these motorist accessory shops, 767 00:39:51,723 --> 00:39:53,592 you can buy inflatable people. 768 00:39:53,659 --> 00:39:55,193 -We've got one here. -(LAUGHTER) 769 00:39:55,260 --> 00:39:57,295 -Very clever, this. Very clever. -Isn't it? 770 00:39:57,362 --> 00:40:00,265 The only slight issue is they do take a lot of effort to blow up. 771 00:40:00,331 --> 00:40:01,967 It's hard work doing. 772 00:40:02,033 --> 00:40:04,936 It doesn't matter, though, because here's the thing. 773 00:40:05,003 --> 00:40:07,606 OK, if you arrive at one of those 774 00:40:07,673 --> 00:40:09,708 high-occupancy vehicle lanes, 775 00:40:09,775 --> 00:40:11,943 then you pull over on the hard shoulder - 776 00:40:12,010 --> 00:40:14,480 just pass the Dutchie on the left-hand side here - 777 00:40:14,546 --> 00:40:16,982 and then use your engine to blow up 778 00:40:17,048 --> 00:40:19,117 your inflatable person. 779 00:40:19,184 --> 00:40:24,289 So I'm going to do that now, just to show you how unbelievably easy this is. 780 00:40:24,355 --> 00:40:25,757 Are we ready? 781 00:40:25,824 --> 00:40:28,126 I'll just er... put a bit of fuel in there. 782 00:40:28,193 --> 00:40:29,861 And here we go. 783 00:40:29,928 --> 00:40:32,764 Why have you put your fingers in your ears? It's only a V8. 784 00:40:32,831 --> 00:40:34,365 It's virtually silent. 785 00:40:34,432 --> 00:40:36,234 (REVVING) 786 00:40:36,301 --> 00:40:37,736 Here we go. 787 00:40:38,837 --> 00:40:40,906 Behold. 788 00:40:44,275 --> 00:40:45,944 What the...? 789 00:40:46,011 --> 00:40:47,212 (LAUGHTER) 790 00:40:58,289 --> 00:40:59,958 Right, the erm... 791 00:41:00,025 --> 00:41:02,327 The inflatable person has split. There's-- 792 00:41:02,528 --> 00:41:04,229 Oh, dear. 793 00:41:04,295 --> 00:41:05,697 Mine's all right. 794 00:41:07,198 --> 00:41:10,135 Let's move on, shall we? Tonight we are in Morocco, 795 00:41:10,201 --> 00:41:15,541 for what was supposed to be a sensible sports-car test of my Mazda MX-5 796 00:41:15,574 --> 00:41:19,177 versus Bob Marley's Norfolk-built Zenos. 797 00:41:19,244 --> 00:41:23,214 Unfortunately, the ape turned up, uninvited, 798 00:41:23,281 --> 00:41:25,984 in a ridiculously expensive Alfa Romeo. 799 00:41:26,051 --> 00:41:27,586 Yes, I did. 800 00:41:27,653 --> 00:41:29,220 And when we left the action, 801 00:41:29,287 --> 00:41:32,991 I decided to see which of the cars was the lightest 802 00:41:33,058 --> 00:41:35,761 by building some rudimentary scales - 803 00:41:35,827 --> 00:41:40,566 a job that these two thought would be... beyond me. 804 00:41:47,005 --> 00:41:49,775 JEREMY: Despite the cynicism of my colleagues, 805 00:41:49,841 --> 00:41:52,811 the next morning, my scales were ready. 806 00:41:56,948 --> 00:41:58,149 (CREAKING) 807 00:42:03,822 --> 00:42:05,757 -Wow. -Yeah. 808 00:42:05,824 --> 00:42:10,629 JAMES: Even more startling was Jeremy's choice of counterweight. 809 00:42:10,696 --> 00:42:12,497 How are you gonna get it on there? 810 00:42:12,598 --> 00:42:14,600 -It's gonna jump. -Oh, yeah, they're big jumpers, cows. 811 00:42:14,600 --> 00:42:15,701 -Look, it wants to. -He's limbering up, 812 00:42:15,767 --> 00:42:17,603 he's getting ready, you can tell. 813 00:42:17,603 --> 00:42:20,305 -Up you come. -It's not gonna jump. They can't jump. 814 00:42:20,371 --> 00:42:22,941 Up you come. 815 00:42:23,008 --> 00:42:25,811 On the off chance that this isn't a jumping cow, 816 00:42:25,877 --> 00:42:28,647 which it might not be, I think you need a ramp. 817 00:42:28,714 --> 00:42:31,617 You hold that. I shall go and make a ramp. 818 00:42:31,683 --> 00:42:33,251 -Hello. Hello. -Hello, nice cow. 819 00:42:33,318 --> 00:42:36,354 Oh, it's bonded with you, Jeremy. It's bonded. 820 00:42:36,421 --> 00:42:38,857 JEREMY: Soon, without any help at all, 821 00:42:38,924 --> 00:42:41,760 I had fashioned a makeshift ramp. 822 00:42:43,862 --> 00:42:44,963 RICHARD: Very good. Well done. 823 00:42:45,030 --> 00:42:46,865 That was quick and effective. 824 00:42:46,932 --> 00:42:50,101 JEREMY: Unfortunately, the cow had wandered off, 825 00:42:50,168 --> 00:42:53,438 so I had to draft in a substitute. 826 00:42:53,504 --> 00:42:55,273 -(CAMEL GRUNTS) -Go on, camel. 827 00:42:55,340 --> 00:42:56,642 -Come on, camel. -Come on. 828 00:42:56,642 --> 00:42:58,209 Come on, camel. Come on. 829 00:42:58,276 --> 00:42:59,745 (CLICKING TONGUE) 830 00:42:59,811 --> 00:43:01,647 Come on. Come on. 831 00:43:01,647 --> 00:43:03,782 He's not gonna go on. 832 00:43:03,849 --> 00:43:05,550 Up you come. Come on. 833 00:43:05,651 --> 00:43:07,252 Come on. Can you push him? Oh, no. 834 00:43:07,318 --> 00:43:10,889 Not really, cos they kick your balls off if you do that. Let me... 835 00:43:10,956 --> 00:43:13,759 David Attenborough has never said that. 836 00:43:13,825 --> 00:43:16,795 JEREMY: Eventually, I had some success. 837 00:43:16,862 --> 00:43:18,263 This is good. We are getting there. 838 00:43:18,329 --> 00:43:20,531 We are building up a big Christmas dinner. 839 00:43:20,666 --> 00:43:24,202 JEREMY: And then the original cow came back. 840 00:43:24,269 --> 00:43:25,403 (CLICKS TONGUE) 841 00:43:25,470 --> 00:43:27,238 -Come on. RICHARD: Dr Thinklittle. 842 00:43:27,305 --> 00:43:30,441 JEREMY: Come on. Come on. RICHARD: My camel's going over here. 843 00:43:30,508 --> 00:43:31,843 Good cow. 844 00:43:33,945 --> 00:43:36,281 -Tragically, however... -...it's not enough. 845 00:43:36,347 --> 00:43:38,950 (SIGHS) Could you go and get another cow? 846 00:43:39,918 --> 00:43:41,753 Come on, small cow. 847 00:43:41,820 --> 00:43:43,421 JEREMY: He's on. Right, excellent. 848 00:43:43,488 --> 00:43:44,790 -Good, good, good. -Jeremy? 849 00:43:44,856 --> 00:43:46,257 -Yes? -This is far... 850 00:43:46,324 --> 00:43:49,194 -Oh, my God! -I don't want to be here for this! 851 00:43:49,260 --> 00:43:52,163 I'm on some scales. Its carrot's come out. 852 00:43:52,230 --> 00:43:54,232 -Are they both boy cows? -Yeah, they're both boys. 853 00:43:54,299 --> 00:43:57,836 Yeah. Oh, no. This is quite bad. 854 00:43:57,903 --> 00:43:59,570 -I'm... Yeah. -I really am alarmed. 855 00:43:59,705 --> 00:44:01,707 I'm stuck on a porn set. 856 00:44:03,341 --> 00:44:05,276 Am I part of this? Is this a threesome? 857 00:44:05,343 --> 00:44:07,545 He's trod on a turk... No, he hasn't. 858 00:44:07,612 --> 00:44:11,016 JEREMY: More importantly, the whole cast of our porn film 859 00:44:11,082 --> 00:44:14,352 still weighed less than the Mazda. 860 00:44:14,419 --> 00:44:16,855 Chickens. Hello, chickies. 861 00:44:16,922 --> 00:44:18,489 -It's not enough, is it? -No. 862 00:44:18,556 --> 00:44:22,293 It doesn't make... Jeremy, this is complete nonsense. 863 00:44:22,360 --> 00:44:24,262 RICHARD: Cow sex! No! 864 00:44:25,530 --> 00:44:28,099 Come on, we go. On you go. 865 00:44:28,166 --> 00:44:29,901 RICHARD: I'm not convinced that this isn't... 866 00:44:29,968 --> 00:44:31,770 Oh, the goat's escaped. 867 00:44:31,837 --> 00:44:34,372 RICHARD: At this stage, we explained to Jeremy 868 00:44:34,439 --> 00:44:38,309 that animals cannot be used as counterweights. 869 00:44:38,376 --> 00:44:40,045 Right, no, you may have a point. 870 00:44:40,111 --> 00:44:42,748 I think it's better if I kill them. 871 00:44:42,814 --> 00:44:45,250 -What? -Well, if they're dead, they won't mind. 872 00:44:47,318 --> 00:44:50,756 JEREMY: This plan made the job much easier. 873 00:44:52,523 --> 00:44:53,759 JEREMY: Oh, hello! 874 00:44:53,792 --> 00:44:56,327 My experiment has worked. 875 00:44:56,394 --> 00:44:57,495 Wow! We have a figure. 876 00:44:57,562 --> 00:44:59,898 JAMES: For the record, it weighs two cows, 877 00:44:59,965 --> 00:45:01,967 two legs of cows - brackets, rear - 878 00:45:02,033 --> 00:45:03,468 one camel and three goats. 879 00:45:03,534 --> 00:45:05,070 That's incredible! 880 00:45:05,136 --> 00:45:07,338 The most exciting thing I've ever been involved in. 881 00:45:08,840 --> 00:45:11,777 JEREMY: Having established the weight of the Mazda, 882 00:45:11,777 --> 00:45:13,945 it was time to do the Zenos. 883 00:45:15,280 --> 00:45:18,784 JEREMY: Hammond, reverse off down my superb ramp. 884 00:45:20,218 --> 00:45:21,987 -Whoa! It's... -I'm gonna walk this way. 885 00:45:22,053 --> 00:45:24,289 Why is it doing that? James counterbalances with you. 886 00:45:24,355 --> 00:45:26,391 -(CRACKING) JEREMY: Hang on. That's not gone well. 887 00:45:26,457 --> 00:45:28,326 JAMES: Yeah, it has. -No, it's moved! 888 00:45:28,393 --> 00:45:29,694 (ALL GROANING) 889 00:45:29,795 --> 00:45:32,663 RICHARD: Oh, this is... Now the back wheels have come off! 890 00:45:32,798 --> 00:45:34,800 Somebody get on! The whole crew! 891 00:45:36,201 --> 00:45:37,635 -What's happened? -(THUD) 892 00:45:37,702 --> 00:45:39,370 JAMES: Oh, God! -(REVVING) 893 00:45:39,437 --> 00:45:41,672 JEREMY: No, there's no point doing that, Hammond. 894 00:45:41,807 --> 00:45:43,809 We need to think this through. 895 00:45:43,809 --> 00:45:45,243 (CREAKING) 896 00:45:46,845 --> 00:45:48,179 Hang on. I've got an idea. 897 00:45:48,246 --> 00:45:50,615 If you get off there, this side will go up. 898 00:45:50,681 --> 00:45:53,418 Then you put the ramp under the back wheels of the Mazda 899 00:45:53,484 --> 00:45:54,886 when it comes down again. 900 00:45:54,953 --> 00:45:58,456 -So you all need to get off. -Right, I'm off. 901 00:45:58,523 --> 00:45:59,925 (CREAKING) 902 00:46:01,827 --> 00:46:04,062 Hang on. Are you going up now? 903 00:46:04,129 --> 00:46:05,663 -I think so. -No, we need... 904 00:46:05,730 --> 00:46:07,198 I know, everybody has to go there. 905 00:46:07,265 --> 00:46:09,100 -On that side. Yeah. -Everybody, all the crew. 906 00:46:09,167 --> 00:46:13,071 All the chunkier lads, if you get on that one. 907 00:46:13,138 --> 00:46:15,006 JEREMY: How did we get into this position? 908 00:46:15,073 --> 00:46:17,208 Somebody pull on the front, just to tip it. 909 00:46:17,275 --> 00:46:19,845 JEREMY: And then we will move this ramp. 910 00:46:19,878 --> 00:46:21,712 Hello? Can we have all of... 911 00:46:21,847 --> 00:46:23,915 -He's down now! RICHARD: Am I gonna die? 912 00:46:24,850 --> 00:46:27,018 Am I dead? Am I dead? 913 00:46:29,187 --> 00:46:30,856 JEREMY: Thanks to our fluent French, 914 00:46:30,856 --> 00:46:35,260 we were able to get the forklift driver to help us. 915 00:46:35,326 --> 00:46:37,162 The Mazda... 916 00:46:37,228 --> 00:46:38,429 Erm... 917 00:46:38,496 --> 00:46:40,398 (ATTEMPTS SPEAKING FRENCH) 918 00:46:42,100 --> 00:46:44,435 JAMES: Reverse à vous la ramp, 919 00:46:44,502 --> 00:46:47,238 avec introduce la ramp... Yeah. 920 00:46:48,506 --> 00:46:51,376 JEREMY: Then the authorities arrived. 921 00:46:51,442 --> 00:46:53,711 -Ah, les animaux? -Yes, les animaux. 922 00:46:53,778 --> 00:46:55,113 Wait. Erm... 923 00:46:56,147 --> 00:46:57,315 Is it a Problème? 924 00:46:57,382 --> 00:47:01,386 James, it's not acceptable in Morocco 925 00:47:01,452 --> 00:47:04,890 to kill animals to establish the weight of a car, so... 926 00:47:04,923 --> 00:47:06,992 It's not acceptable in Morocco? 927 00:47:07,058 --> 00:47:09,027 JEREMY: Having established nothing at all, 928 00:47:09,094 --> 00:47:10,561 we were all ordered to leave, 929 00:47:10,628 --> 00:47:13,398 which made Hammond very cheesed off with me. 930 00:47:13,464 --> 00:47:15,466 RICHARD: You're a bloody idiot! 931 00:47:15,533 --> 00:47:16,902 JEREMY: Funny! 932 00:47:18,436 --> 00:47:20,238 I think he's angry, isn't he? 933 00:47:20,305 --> 00:47:23,341 And I wasn't in James's good books, either. 934 00:47:24,675 --> 00:47:26,344 Clarkson! 935 00:47:26,411 --> 00:47:27,412 What's the matter? 936 00:47:27,478 --> 00:47:30,115 I want the steering wheel back, you muppet! 937 00:47:30,181 --> 00:47:31,549 -I haven't got it. -You have! 938 00:47:31,616 --> 00:47:33,985 I haven't. One of those goats has got it. 939 00:47:34,052 --> 00:47:35,954 Goats can't pick things up. 940 00:47:42,693 --> 00:47:46,231 RICHARD: With his wheel retrieved, we set off. 941 00:47:46,297 --> 00:47:48,799 And soon, James and I decided 942 00:47:48,934 --> 00:47:51,469 something needed to be done. 943 00:47:51,536 --> 00:47:53,471 Jeremy, are you there? 944 00:47:53,538 --> 00:47:55,640 Yes, I am. 945 00:47:55,706 --> 00:47:57,142 Oh, good. Erm... 946 00:47:57,208 --> 00:47:58,743 Look, just... 947 00:47:58,809 --> 00:48:01,112 Er... Just bear with me, OK? 948 00:48:01,179 --> 00:48:05,416 This isn't really working as well as we'd hoped at the moment, 949 00:48:05,483 --> 00:48:09,587 so we think it would be better if we went our own way 950 00:48:09,654 --> 00:48:11,256 and you went yours. 951 00:48:13,858 --> 00:48:16,194 Are you in on this, James? 952 00:48:16,261 --> 00:48:20,966 Well, the thing is that we had conceived quite an interesting test 953 00:48:20,999 --> 00:48:24,402 between an everyday sports car and a hardcore sports car. 954 00:48:24,469 --> 00:48:26,704 And, I mean, it's not you. 955 00:48:26,771 --> 00:48:29,975 But, I mean, really, it's the Alfa. The Alfa doesn't fit. 956 00:48:31,809 --> 00:48:33,811 Right, well, OK. Erm... 957 00:48:33,878 --> 00:48:35,713 I'll leave you two alone. 958 00:48:35,780 --> 00:48:37,348 And I do mean alone, 959 00:48:37,415 --> 00:48:40,986 because... I'm going to take the film crews with me. 960 00:48:48,759 --> 00:48:49,995 Now that we're alone, 961 00:48:50,061 --> 00:48:53,264 I could prattle on for hours 962 00:48:53,331 --> 00:48:57,002 about what the Alfa Romeo badge means, 963 00:48:57,035 --> 00:48:59,337 and how, with its carbon-fibre tub, 964 00:48:59,404 --> 00:49:01,106 this isn't really a sports car. 965 00:49:01,172 --> 00:49:05,110 It's more a... scaled-down, cut-price LaFerrari. 966 00:49:06,277 --> 00:49:08,079 But I've had a better idea. 967 00:49:12,650 --> 00:49:16,454 What I did was find a wonderful piece of road... 968 00:49:21,092 --> 00:49:22,827 ...and then shut up, 969 00:49:22,893 --> 00:49:25,596 so the pictures could do the talking. 970 00:49:31,269 --> 00:49:35,806 * Round, like a circle in a spiral * 971 00:49:35,873 --> 00:49:38,776 * Like a wheel within a wheel * 972 00:49:38,843 --> 00:49:43,514 * Like the circles that you find * 973 00:49:43,581 --> 00:49:51,756 * In the windmills of your mind * 974 00:49:51,822 --> 00:49:55,226 * Like a tunnel that you follow * 975 00:49:55,293 --> 00:49:59,197 * To a tunnel of its own * 976 00:50:00,298 --> 00:50:03,501 * Down a hollow to a cavern * 977 00:50:03,568 --> 00:50:08,339 * Where the sun has never shone * 978 00:50:08,406 --> 00:50:12,077 * Like a door That keeps revolving * 979 00:50:12,143 --> 00:50:16,947 * In a half-forgotten dream * 980 00:50:17,014 --> 00:50:18,583 * Or the ripples * 981 00:50:18,649 --> 00:50:24,889 * From a pebble someone tosses in a stream * 982 00:50:24,955 --> 00:50:28,559 * Like a clock whose hands are sweeping * 983 00:50:28,626 --> 00:50:33,331 * Past the minutes of its face * 984 00:50:33,398 --> 00:50:36,701 * And the world is like an apple * 985 00:50:36,767 --> 00:50:41,406 * Whirling silently in space * 986 00:50:41,472 --> 00:50:44,775 * Like the circles that you find * 987 00:50:44,842 --> 00:50:52,583 * In the windmills of your mind * 988 00:50:56,387 --> 00:50:57,855 That's the thing about this Alfa - 989 00:50:57,922 --> 00:51:00,925 if you talk about it, you're gonna criticise it. 990 00:51:00,991 --> 00:51:05,530 If you just look at it... you're gonna fall in love. Oh, hello. 991 00:51:07,165 --> 00:51:10,135 Mate! Mate! Thank God you're here! 992 00:51:11,669 --> 00:51:13,037 JEREMY: What's the matter with him? 993 00:51:13,138 --> 00:51:14,805 Well, for the first time in my life, 994 00:51:14,872 --> 00:51:18,443 I'm rather glad you're here, because... 995 00:51:18,509 --> 00:51:21,011 he thinks he's discovered an ancient civilisation. 996 00:51:21,146 --> 00:51:22,647 And he got very excited, 997 00:51:22,713 --> 00:51:25,150 and I couldn't say, "No, Hammond, it's not real." 998 00:51:25,150 --> 00:51:26,517 It's a film set. 999 00:51:26,584 --> 00:51:29,287 That is where they filmed Asterix And Obelix , 1000 00:51:29,354 --> 00:51:31,689 and that is where they film Game Of Thrones . 1001 00:51:31,756 --> 00:51:33,424 Yeah, I know that, but he thinks it's real. 1002 00:51:33,491 --> 00:51:35,260 He thinks aliens have come down 1003 00:51:35,326 --> 00:51:38,729 and that everything that universities in Britain know about Ancient Egypt, 1004 00:51:38,796 --> 00:51:41,232 Ancient Greece, Ancient Rome, is all wrong. 1005 00:51:47,037 --> 00:51:49,374 Which feet last trod these steps? 1006 00:51:50,808 --> 00:51:52,210 Were they even human? 1007 00:51:55,980 --> 00:51:57,915 Maybe they were that big. 1008 00:51:57,982 --> 00:52:00,285 This was actually used in The Jewel Of The Nile . 1009 00:52:00,351 --> 00:52:01,652 -Was it? -Yeah. 1010 00:52:01,719 --> 00:52:05,823 Starring Kathleen Turner, Michael Douglas, 1011 00:52:05,890 --> 00:52:07,825 and, I think, Danny DeVito. 1012 00:52:07,892 --> 00:52:10,561 Hammond probably thinks that it's a spaceship. 1013 00:52:10,628 --> 00:52:12,663 -That's how they got here. -(CHUCKLES) 1014 00:52:16,000 --> 00:52:18,203 It's like touching hands... 1015 00:52:18,269 --> 00:52:20,438 ...across the millennia. 1016 00:52:22,407 --> 00:52:24,775 These were not primitive people. 1017 00:52:27,812 --> 00:52:29,514 JEREMY: While Indiana Hammond 1018 00:52:29,580 --> 00:52:31,916 continued his deluded ramblings, 1019 00:52:31,982 --> 00:52:33,651 I came up with an idea. 1020 00:52:35,586 --> 00:52:38,889 I tell you what this place has never been used as. 1021 00:52:38,956 --> 00:52:41,226 -What? -A racetrack. 1022 00:52:43,794 --> 00:52:45,430 JEREMY: Having convinced Richard 1023 00:52:45,496 --> 00:52:47,965 we wouldn't anger the sleeping gods, 1024 00:52:48,032 --> 00:52:52,870 we made a circuit from the roads running through the studio lot. 1025 00:52:55,406 --> 00:52:59,076 And then I went off to get changed. 1026 00:52:59,143 --> 00:53:01,379 Wow! Hammond, Roger Moore isn't here. 1027 00:53:01,446 --> 00:53:03,448 No, he's not, is he? What is that? 1028 00:53:03,514 --> 00:53:05,850 It's my Alfa Romeo racing suit. 1029 00:53:05,916 --> 00:53:07,685 -Is it? -Yes, it is. Look at that. 1030 00:53:07,752 --> 00:53:09,420 RICHARD: Oh! JEREMY: Peacock lining. 1031 00:53:09,487 --> 00:53:10,655 RICHARD: That makes it better. 1032 00:53:10,721 --> 00:53:12,257 It's the Dick from Del Monte. 1033 00:53:12,323 --> 00:53:14,124 -The Cock from Del Monte. -(RICHARD LAUGHS) 1034 00:53:14,259 --> 00:53:16,060 The Dick from Del Monte, he says, "Ra-ra-ra!" 1035 00:53:16,126 --> 00:53:19,129 -In an Alfa Romeo-- JAMES: This is tremendous! 1036 00:53:19,264 --> 00:53:22,099 In an Alfa Romeo... 1037 00:53:22,166 --> 00:53:25,002 ...looking good is more important than looking where you're going. 1038 00:53:25,069 --> 00:53:26,837 -That's a shame. -When are you gonna do that? 1039 00:53:29,274 --> 00:53:32,443 JEREMY: It was now time to get down to business. 1040 00:53:32,510 --> 00:53:35,846 But first, we went out for some sighting laps. 1041 00:53:37,915 --> 00:53:40,285 JAMES: Whoa! 1042 00:53:40,318 --> 00:53:42,820 It's all skiddy! 1043 00:53:42,887 --> 00:53:45,756 -Oh, this is very narrow. James did this. -(TYRES SQUEAL) 1044 00:53:45,823 --> 00:53:49,694 That's only an inch wider than my car, you stupid man! 1045 00:53:49,760 --> 00:53:51,128 But I'm in! 1046 00:53:51,195 --> 00:53:52,863 I'm into ancient Egypt! 1047 00:53:55,566 --> 00:53:58,369 Oh, wow! Look at that! Paintings and everything! 1048 00:54:00,170 --> 00:54:02,840 JAMES: I'm gonna go around the unconvincing fighter jet. 1049 00:54:05,410 --> 00:54:10,114 JEREMY: Understeering like mad, that's not good. I must remember that. 1050 00:54:10,180 --> 00:54:12,683 The problem you have in the 4C is it's mid-engined, 1051 00:54:12,750 --> 00:54:14,785 which means, on a surface like this, 1052 00:54:14,852 --> 00:54:16,354 there's no weight over the front, 1053 00:54:16,421 --> 00:54:18,456 and that means... no grip. 1054 00:54:20,825 --> 00:54:23,694 RICHARD: Unlike the other two, this is front-engined, 1055 00:54:23,761 --> 00:54:25,563 so there's less weight on the back end, 1056 00:54:25,630 --> 00:54:27,498 which would make for a livelier back end 1057 00:54:27,565 --> 00:54:30,000 and more time enjoying oversteer. 1058 00:54:30,067 --> 00:54:32,102 (LAUGHS) 1059 00:54:32,169 --> 00:54:34,339 Oh, I'm gonna spin! 1060 00:54:35,673 --> 00:54:38,709 That's bad! That's too much oversteer. 1061 00:54:39,844 --> 00:54:41,346 JEREMY: Game Of Thrones set. 1062 00:54:41,412 --> 00:54:43,481 I mustn't think about Khaleesi. 1063 00:54:43,548 --> 00:54:46,484 Oh, no! Thinking about Khaleesi, it's bad! 1064 00:54:46,551 --> 00:54:48,586 Don't think about Khaleesi! 1065 00:54:48,653 --> 00:54:50,355 No! 1066 00:54:51,922 --> 00:54:54,024 Holy crap! 1067 00:54:54,091 --> 00:54:55,426 It's a castle! 1068 00:54:57,862 --> 00:55:00,598 God, no! Nearly hit a bit of Nazareth then. 1069 00:55:00,665 --> 00:55:02,767 Jesus would have been displeased. 1070 00:55:07,405 --> 00:55:08,639 JEREMY: Having got to know 1071 00:55:08,706 --> 00:55:10,708 our weird and demanding track, 1072 00:55:10,775 --> 00:55:13,978 we began the timed laps, with James going first 1073 00:55:14,044 --> 00:55:17,582 in his lightweight, powerful Norfolk-mobile. 1074 00:55:19,417 --> 00:55:21,218 Right, are we ready, James May? 1075 00:55:21,285 --> 00:55:23,788 In three, two, one... Begin! 1076 00:55:32,963 --> 00:55:35,966 Oh, where's the bend? I don't... 1077 00:55:39,103 --> 00:55:40,405 Oh, balls! 1078 00:55:40,405 --> 00:55:42,272 You know, what worries me most of all, 1079 00:55:42,407 --> 00:55:47,612 is the poor little man who's mortgaged his house to start Zenos. 1080 00:55:47,678 --> 00:55:49,680 And that he's lent it to us on the television. 1081 00:55:49,747 --> 00:55:52,216 "And which one's driving it? Which...?" 1082 00:55:52,282 --> 00:55:53,551 "Oh, no." 1083 00:55:56,053 --> 00:55:57,488 Right, now what do I do? 1084 00:56:01,125 --> 00:56:03,628 After my first-corner cock-up, 1085 00:56:03,694 --> 00:56:06,564 I was on the back foot, trying to make up time. 1086 00:56:09,967 --> 00:56:11,936 Heading for Nazareth, I think. 1087 00:56:17,174 --> 00:56:19,009 Whoa! 1088 00:56:19,076 --> 00:56:20,611 All over the place! 1089 00:56:27,518 --> 00:56:29,920 Round and round the thingy. 1090 00:56:31,021 --> 00:56:32,490 Whoa! 1091 00:56:38,028 --> 00:56:39,964 Fast, faster. Faster. 1092 00:56:52,777 --> 00:56:58,248 Well... this only goes up to 999 hours, sadly. 1093 00:56:58,315 --> 00:56:59,550 JAMES: Right. 1094 00:56:59,617 --> 00:57:01,919 But it's OK, you were just in that time. 1095 00:57:01,986 --> 00:57:02,753 Yeah, mm. 1096 00:57:02,820 --> 00:57:04,221 James, did you manage to drive 1097 00:57:04,288 --> 00:57:06,624 whilst dragging your face along the ground? 1098 00:57:06,691 --> 00:57:08,292 A lot of dust comes in. 1099 00:57:08,358 --> 00:57:11,161 -Why don't you wind the windows up? -(SNIGGERS) 1100 00:57:11,228 --> 00:57:13,230 You're funny men. 1101 00:57:13,297 --> 00:57:17,001 RICHARD: Next, it was the turn of John Travolta. 1102 00:57:17,067 --> 00:57:20,605 Never has anybody looked quite so good... 1103 00:57:20,671 --> 00:57:22,072 ...on a timed lap. 1104 00:57:23,508 --> 00:57:24,742 (REVVING) 1105 00:57:24,809 --> 00:57:28,012 In three, two, one... Go! 1106 00:57:34,084 --> 00:57:35,886 Right, let's make this count. 1107 00:57:40,558 --> 00:57:42,527 -(YELLS) Narrow! -(TYRES SQUEAL) 1108 00:57:52,069 --> 00:57:53,170 Sideways in linen! 1109 00:58:07,952 --> 00:58:09,186 Game Of Thrones set. 1110 00:58:18,162 --> 00:58:19,797 Understeering... 1111 00:58:20,731 --> 00:58:22,600 Turn! Turn! 1112 00:58:25,936 --> 00:58:28,606 Come on, let's get that turbocharger singing! 1113 00:58:30,207 --> 00:58:31,942 Kill it now! 1114 00:58:48,659 --> 00:58:49,960 Well, he arrived. 1115 00:58:51,328 --> 00:58:54,298 JAMES: Finally, Sir John Blashford-Hammond. 1116 00:58:55,666 --> 00:58:56,734 -Ready? -Yes. 1117 00:58:56,801 --> 00:58:59,069 In three, two, one... Go! 1118 00:59:02,372 --> 00:59:03,774 Right, this is it. 1119 00:59:12,482 --> 00:59:13,751 (GRUNTS) 1120 00:59:22,526 --> 00:59:24,061 I can't afford a single error. 1121 00:59:40,477 --> 00:59:42,312 Uh-oh! This is a hot lap! 1122 00:59:53,190 --> 00:59:55,492 Here he comes. 1123 00:59:55,559 --> 00:59:57,662 Ooh! 1124 01:00:00,297 --> 01:00:01,832 No! 1125 01:00:01,899 --> 01:00:04,068 And with that, back to the tent. 1126 01:00:05,636 --> 01:00:08,105 (CHEERING) 1127 01:00:08,172 --> 01:00:10,407 Smashed it. Smashed it. 1128 01:00:10,474 --> 01:00:12,977 -Hang on a minute. -What? 1129 01:00:13,043 --> 01:00:16,380 You know that Windmills Of Your Mind sequence in the car? 1130 01:00:16,446 --> 01:00:19,149 -Yeah. -You made the Alfa look really good in that. 1131 01:00:19,216 --> 01:00:21,185 -Yes. -What if somebody buys one? 1132 01:00:21,251 --> 01:00:22,820 You don't want that on your conscience. 1133 01:00:22,887 --> 01:00:25,155 What do you mean? It was a brilliant... What? 1134 01:00:25,222 --> 01:00:28,893 Anyway, anyway, I have the results here of the laps. 1135 01:00:28,959 --> 01:00:30,995 And er... well, in third place, 1136 01:00:31,061 --> 01:00:32,730 you in the Zenos; second place, you in the Alfa; 1137 01:00:32,797 --> 01:00:34,899 first place, the winner was me in the Mazda. 1138 01:00:34,965 --> 01:00:36,366 But it was a hollow victory, 1139 01:00:36,433 --> 01:00:40,337 because I ruined an ancient piece of sculpture. 1140 01:00:40,404 --> 01:00:41,571 (LAUGHTER) 1141 01:00:41,638 --> 01:00:43,073 Yes, but here's the thing, OK? 1142 01:00:43,140 --> 01:00:46,376 After the weight test and the speed test we did, 1143 01:00:46,443 --> 01:00:49,079 we've learned... 1144 01:00:49,146 --> 01:00:50,881 -...nothing. -Yeah, it's nothing. Nothing at all. 1145 01:00:50,948 --> 01:00:52,950 Literally nothing at all. 1146 01:00:53,017 --> 01:00:55,019 And on that terrible disappointment, 1147 01:00:55,085 --> 01:00:56,220 I'm afraid it's time to end. 1148 01:00:56,286 --> 01:00:58,022 Thank you so much for watching. 1149 01:00:58,088 --> 01:01:00,290 -See you next week. Goodbye. -Goodbye! 1150 01:01:00,357 --> 01:01:02,292 (CHEERING)