(BELLS JANGLE)
(WIND HOWLS)
Hello, and welcome to a Grand Tour special,
which comes to you from
the emptiest, most sparsely populated country on Earth.
Mongolia.
(ENGINE REVVING)
(TRAIN WHISTLE BLASTS)
Now, ordinarily when we go on these adventures,
we have a vague idea about the sort of things that we might be doing.
But this time, we don't.
RICHARD: No, not a clue.
The situation is, we took off from
the capital city of Mongolia, Ulaanbaatar,
and flew for two, two-and-a-half hours,
over terrain that was much like this.
Actually, quite familiar.
Unthreatening.
But it was completely empty.
It was like flying over the whole of the British Isles
and not seeing a town, a village, a road,
a powerline, a quarry, not even a farm.
There wasn't a shred of evidence, from what we saw out of the aeroplane window,
that man has ever existed.
Yeah, this is what the world would have looked like,
pretty much, on about page three of the Book of Genesis, I reckon.
And then we were dropped off here...
(CHUCKLES) ...and we don't know why.
We don't know anything.
An hour or so later, though...
(CAMERA POWERING UP)
(WHIRRING OF ROTOR BLADES)
That's a chopper.
-There, look. -Yeah.
Why isn't he landing?
What's he doing?
-Whoa, look at this. -Look!
RICHARD: Hang on a minute.
(WIND WHISTLING)
-Whoa. -Look at that.
What's he dropping?
JEREMY: It's got to be supplies. Firewood...
RICHARD: Food. JEREMY: Shelter.
JAMES: Hats.
-Hats? -Well, you need a hat. It's sunny.
They're not gonna fly out hats to us.
So that... He's... That's him gone, then.
-He's not landing. RICHARD: Oh.
Does that mean we're not going home, then?
RICHARD: James, the helicopter has buggered off.
And we're alone with three boxes full of quiche or something.
Well, let's go and have a look, then.
JEREMY: I mean, what we really need is transport.
RICHARD: Yeah. That would be useful.
JAMES: They haven't got cars in them.
-Could you get a car in that? -No, look, it's thin.
It's only about that wide.
-So this is the webbing that... -Well, that comes off.
Oh, hello, there's a crowbar there. So that's...
Good.
Right, lifting it here.
-That's it. -Stand clear.
Oh!
-Well... -Water.
-What's in... -The hell...
Oh, shit. Is that an engine?
That's an engine.
A TDi of some sort.
Vehicle lights?
JEREMY: That is a rear axle. RICHARD: It is.
That's a master cylinder.
Guys, I don't need to look in the other one.
We've an engine, we've headlights, we've a rear axle.
There's enough spare parts to build a car.
-Yeah. -Oh, come on.
What, here?
JEREMY: As the other two opened the third crate,
I found a mysterious bag.
OK, well, straight away, that's a windscreen.
Which confirms it.
-Yep. -Guys...
What is it, a Land Rover?
-What's that? -I have a letter.
The nearest civilisation is a town called Moron.
-Is it? -There's a surprise.
"It's hundreds of miles away.
In order to reach it, you must build the contents of these boxes.
You have enough food and water for seven days."
What's that?
RICHARD: That's the town. JEREMY: Moron.
-And that's the start. JEREMY: We're here.
It says "Map not to scale."
JEREMY: There's a surprise.
This has been drawn by EH Shepard.
Look, "Rather Boggy and Sad."
"Deep River of Despair."
-"Floody Place." -"Lots of Trees."
"Wibbly Wobbly Bridge", "Very Big Crack".
Well, that's not very useful, is it?
Well, we've got to go northeast, haven't we?
But how far is that?
Well, we don't know. He said "hundreds of miles".
Yes, but first...
-What? -All we need to do is assemble this lot into a car.
RICHARD: As there was no instruction manual,
May and I began to go through the components.
This is chassis, isn't it? But it's in two halves.
While our mechanically inept colleague made himself useful
by moaning about the camping equipment.
That's not a bed!
-It's a mattress. -In...
-It's not a mattress! -It is.
If you go to Peter Jones and say,
"Can I have a mattress?" they don't give you this.
-The heaviest bit is the engine... -Yes.
...which is over there, so we need to take the other bits over there.
-Yes, that's a very good idea. -Let's do that.
(JEREMY WAILS SPOOKILY)
-Jeremy's pretending to be a ghost. -I'll pretend to be scared.
To be a ghost, you first have to be dead.
RICHARD: Nice work.
So what we should do is lay everything out.
Why not put the parachute out as a dust sheet, put it all on the parachute?
Good idea.
If we lay it out, it can be the floor of our workshop.
-If either of you have any emergencies... -No!
-Hey, Hammond. -Yeah?
-It's a Land Rover engine, you'll be pleased to know. -Is it?
JEREMY: "Hey, Hammond. Hey, Hammond."
-Why don't you do something useful? Unwrap something. -"Hey, Hammond.
Hammond."
JEREMY: As my colleagues fiddled about
with stuff I didn't understand...
That says "Chassis mid-section."
...I found something that I did.
Hello!
I wasn't expecting that.
However, there was a problem.
-Just pop that down for a second. -Yes.
-This is a box of rations, OK? -Yes.
Now, forgive me but I could swear...
RICHARD: Oh, God.
-Why would Wilman do that? -Because he's evil.
Why would he send us a car in bits that isn't a car?
I don't care about the car in bits.
He and both of you, actually, are quite capable of doing that.
This, on the other hand, is a catastrophe.
-How many of those have you found? -One.
Why don't you trouble yourself with matters food-related?
-That's a good idea. -Gather it together in one place, see what we've got.
So, I see. So I become food and beverage manager of the project?
-If you want to call it that. -If you like.
A bit like Robert De Niro in Casino.
In every conceivable way.
He was the food and beverage manager of the casino.
And I shall be the food and beverage manager of our little project.
OK, from now on we'll call you Robert.
-Why don't you gather all the food-related things... -Thank you.
-Off you go, Robert. -It's my middle name.
-Mr De Niro. -Mr De Niro, yes. That'll be great.
RICHARD: Whilst the raging baboon went off to sort the food and beverages,
James and I continued to unpack the components.
JAMES: Oh, wait a minute, that's got pedals attached to it.
-Oh, yeah. -So that's the bulkhead essentially.
And eventually the giant Airfix kit was laid out.
That's where we will build it.
This is our workshop.
JAMES: I would say we've got hundreds of components,
not including fasteners and things.
JEREMY: Meanwhile, in the lee of a nearby hill,
I had been very busy as well.
Right, I've got the campsite built.
Two tents here for the snorers.
One over there for me, so I can't hear them.
There's the lavatory. And now...
I'm gonna start work on lunch.
Which meant making fire.
Yes. (STRAINED) Yes!
Please!
So, gearbox on.
-Yeah. -Yep.
RICHARD: Back at base, we were doing well...
There, that's it, whoa.
...even though James was being very annoying.
Hang on, let's just think about where all...
We haven't got the nuts and bloody fasteners ready.
Let's just get on with it. Get it lined up.
OK.
-That's quite good. -Offer it up.
Push forwards. Yes.
-Oh-ho-ho! -Well done.
-Hey, James. -21.
I've got a metal willy.
RICHARD: Captain OCD, however,
was not in the mood for willy gags.
Where the chuffing hell has it gone?
This is why you put 'em back in the same place.
Where did you put it last time you had the 19?
-Oh, for God's sake... -Ratchet.
...just find any (BLEEP) spanner?
JEREMY: With absolutely no help at all
from the cameraman's lighter,
I had struck gold.
I have made fire!
Right.
Right, what have we got?
These are British Army rations. Oh, God!
I'm... I've stuck my knife through that one.
So the water's gonna get in there and spoil it a bit.
Tropical fruit and nut mix. Mm, I like that.
I might just deny this was ever in it.
Mm.
Lift.
So that goes up, axle goes underneath.
Lower it down on that, Bob will be our uncle.
-Straighten up. -Yeah.
-There you go. -Bump stop on.
RICHARD: After many hours of hard work,
we had made cracking progress.
-It is on its own wheels. -Rolling chassis!
Look at that!
Which meant we were famished
when Mr De Niro finally got back.
-Chaps. -Hello.
-I've got your lunch. -Oh, about bloody time.
-Oh, sorry it's a bit late. -Yeah, it's tea really, isn't it?
That's yours and mine. They were the same. But, no, it's...
What's this?
It looks like cat sick.
It should look like that. That's how it is.
But the bag may have got a bit snicked.
Unfortunately, I licked that, so this is mine.
It's stone cold, man.
What have you been doing all this time?
Well, I might ask you the same question.
I have built a town, a sewage system and a restaurant.
I have cooked in the restaurant and I have brought you your food.
-Which is cold. -You meanwhile have bolted some wheels.
You've done literally nothing.
Are you kidding? We've got a rolling chassis. We've got the engine in.
How do you think we did that and got those axles on?
-All right, start it up. -It doesn't go yet.
We would have got a bit further on
if we hadn't insisted on lining up the damn...
-I haven't been lining up the tools. -You did. You did.
-I've been saying... -We would have spent more time...
...keep the fasteners in the right place,
otherwise Hammond puts the wrong ones in.
You're talking over each other. Can you do it one at a time?
The one that you wanted was over here in the dust.
I am making an executive decision here.
-Hammond is in charge of the build of this car. -What?
You can't make Hammond in charge of the build. You're not in a position to.
-We have to have a vote on it. -Listen.
I don't know how to build a car, so that's me out, OK?
You, May, you do know how to build a car
but it'll take you six months, so you're out.
Hammond, he sort of knows how to build a car but he'll do it quickly.
So he has to be in charge.
He has to get you speeded up.
-OK, I'm only doing what Hammond tells me to do. -Right, good.
Sir, not wishing to speak out of turn
but is there any reason why I shouldn't do that
with an extension on a socket wrench, sir?
-Stop calling me "sir" and just... -Just... James...
He doesn't know what he's doing.
Would either of you two like a beer? Would that calm you down?
-Oh, yes. -Yes, it would.
Right, as food and beverages manager,
I shall go and get you one.
I'll have a beer, please, Robert.
JEREMY: With the promise of beer, harmony was restored.
So this should line up.
It does.
So we've got two different lengths, three different lengths...
RICHARD: Let's move it and then go forwards.
Wait. Move forwards.
JAMES: Hang on. There's a cable or something.
RICHARD: That's the axle breather.
Just move it and then go forwards.
(JEREMY HUMS)
Er...
-What are you looking for? -What are you doing?
I've searched everywhere. They haven't sent any beer.
Or gin or wine or alcohol of any sort.
Is that serious or is that a joke?
MAN: No, it's serious.
-Seriously there isn't any? -No beer.
No alcohol, nothing.
And it's seven days away?
-We've got... It takes seven... -And it's six o'clock.
How long is it gonna take you to build this?
It's now five past six.
Well, we're not going to be finished tonight, are we?
We're not gonna finish it tonight.
JAMES: Spurred on by the catastrophic alcohol situation...
Bulkhead support. Bulkhead support!
...Hammond and I put in a big shift.
And then, tired and hungry, we went to the camp
for some more of Mr De Niro's gourmet catering.
Right, now, what do you want for supper?
-What have you got? -You can have hot chocolate drink, regular flavour.
-For dinner? -Well, biscuits, fruit?
Again, for dinner?
I didn't provide this.
Well, there's some sort of curry-based things here.
-Do you want those? -I don't like curry.
-You do like curry. -Not really.
You're just being obtuse, Hammond.
You're in a bad temper because you're not drunk.
I'm not sure this is how you're supposed to cook it.
It isn't. You put them in boiling water but I couldn't be bothered.
Well, why didn't you rig up a way of putting that pan over the fire?
-Well, you... -With some water in it, then...
Who built the wigwam fire? You did.
Well, why didn't you make a hangy thing for the pan?
Out of what, mountains?
Just...
Eugh, God.
-It's still freezing. -I know.
JEREMY: Not only was dinner cold and terrible,
it was also rather boring.
What do people talk about when they don't drink?
-I don't know actually. -(SPITS)
It's a good point.
Brexit?
JEREMY: We've worked together now for many years.
And we've never struggled to think of anything to say before.
But I think that's partly because we can never remember what we said last time.
-So we just do it again. -Yeah, that's a fact, that.
What, you're saying we've just been repeating ourselves every night for the last--
Yes, that's possible.
JEREMY: Because we hadn't had any booze,
we woke the next morning looking ten years younger.
Ready? Oh, down a bit.
Hammond and May then went off to work.
-This is the canopy fixing kit. -That's the one.
And later, I turned up with a hearty breakfast.
Of water.
Can I just say, what you've built here appears to have a central driving position.
-It does. -Yes.
-It's mid-engined. -Yes.
-It's a McLaren F1. -It's a McLaren...
Except it's four-wheel-drive.
So it has a sort of Lamborghini quality.
I mean, when we get the bodywork on it...
-Ah. -Yeah, that's a good point.
There isn't any bodywork as such.
No. The plan is for us to improvise bodywork
out of the wood that came in the crates.
That's the only thing there is to use.
-What, turn the crates into a body? -That's all we've got.
-Yeah. -Red, white and blue?
Don't say red and white because they remind me of wine.
No, red, white... Pink is wine.
Drink is clear. It's gin.
It's good for you. It's healthy.
-Yeah, it's done you a lot of good. -A natural product.
James and Richard then cracked on with the oily stuff.
Yes.
And, since it didn't require any actual skill,
I was allowed to help make the body.
-I have made a door! RICHARD: You have. That is a door. Brilliant.
I am a manufacturer of doors!
JAMES: As he set about making another one...
Give it four or five pumps and then hold your foot on.
No bubbles. Good.
...Richard and I were working on the brakes,
the lights and the roof.
Oh, yeah. We just need to gather it up and tie it off in corners and things.
That'll keep the sun off.
Our plan was to get finished
and get moving by early afternoon.
But at the end of the day, the situation was not good.
-So all that wiring has got to be connected up? RICHARD: Yeah.
I haven't even got the back lights on yet.
There's loads of wires.
Well, there's no way we're gonna get that done tonight.
-No. -No.
Again.
Phil, it said in that letter from Mr Wilman
that it was hundreds of miles to this town called Moron.
How many hundreds? Seriously.
To be honest with you, I haven't got a clue.
So it could be 500?
It... I'd say more than that.
-More? -What?
How much of it is on, like, paved roads where we can make progress?
-None. None of it. -None?
-There's no roads? -No.
But you've got an off-road vehicle.
Yes, I know. But we've only got...
What is it? ...five days of provisions left.
-Yeah. -And that's if we can get it going tomorrow.
-We'll have to do... at least 100 miles a day... -Yeah.
-...off road in that... -Yeah.
...or we'll starve to death.
Well, that's if it's 500 miles. What if it's 600 miles?
-We'll have to do more. -We don't know.
JAMES: All we did know was that we'd have yet another night in Mr De Niro's hotel,
using up yet more valuable rations.
So that's the main fuse. That comes off the battery, doesn't it?
The next morning we rose at five to finish the job.
There's technical stuff in there.
And then, having built two boots for all our provisions...
Nothing is to be wasted.
Everything is to be taken.
...our car was finally finished.
And since our lives depended on not crashing,
Jeremy and I secretly agreed that Hammond should never be allowed to drive it.
-Right, this is it. -Here we go.
(ENGINE STARTS)
JAMES: Yes! (JEREMY LAUGHS)
RICHARD: Oh, my God, it works!
JAMES: Good, OK, right... -Oh, James, important thing.
In Mongolia, when you start on a journey, you have to turn right.
-What? -Is that true? -Yes, that is true.
-Is that a thing? -It is genuinely a thing.
-What, every time? -Every time that you begin a journey
-you go right. -Right, here we go.
This is it.
-Right, James! -Right, right, right!
-Right. -That's a rut or something.
James, you're going left.
Hang on, the wheels are...
-Hey? -Just turn it... OK, go left.
And now set off.
The steering's back to front, Hammond. How have we done that?
-What do you mean it's back to front? -Look, I'm turning left.
No, you're not, you're just going straight.
-Turn it the other way, then. -If I turn it the other way, that's straight.
And now I'm turning right and it's going left. So I need to keep...
What have you two been doing for the last two days?
We put the hydraulic pipes on the wrong way round for the steering.
Yes.
JAMES: Having fixed this minor issue, we set off.
Again.
Ha-ha! It works! We're going along!
Our car is great.
The ride is good.
-It's not bad, is it? -It's genuinely brilliant.
-Can we have a mild brake test? -Yeah, OK, here we go.
-Whoa! Come on! -Like it? They're pretty good, actually.
Well, whoever bled those, well done. Good job.
-That was you, wasn't it? -No.
But the doors I can claim.
And the number plates.
JEREMY: We had no idea how far it was to Moron
and no real idea of how to get there.
But Mr Wilman's stupid map
said we should head first of all
to the Sandy Pit.
-Right, you see between those two...mountain valley? -Yeah.
Stick to the valley floor.
JAMES: As we trundled along, it soon became obvious
that if Jeremy had been asked questions about Mongolia
on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?
he might have got some of them right.
RICHARD: Sheeps. JAMES: Sheepses.
Oh, do you know how they kill sheep in Mongolia?
-No. -Would you like to know?
-Your door's come open. -Yes.
-So they make a snick in its neck, yes... -Yes.
...put their hand in through the snick,
grab the aorta on the heart and squeeze it till the animal dies.
Apparently it makes the sheep feel quite sleepy.
-Sleepy? -I'm not sure,
if somebody made a hole in my neck and put their hand in and squeezed my heart
-I'd say I'm feeling sleepy. -No.
Wow, look! Cows.
Or yakky things.
Did you know, Hammond, that you can make vodka from the milk of a yak?
How do I milk a yak?
(JEREMY LAUGHS)
JEREMY: Eventually, we started to climb off the valley floor.
How fast do you suppose we're going?
-No idea. JAMES: 20mph?
This old engine was the one where it would get bogged down off-road
because of the turbo, wasn't it?
This is the one that people complained about
when they put it in the Defender.
So we're not talking about a blitz of power, then, from it?
No, but they're bloody long-lived... They're really tough engines.
JEREMY: Oh, oh, oh! RICHARD: Wait a minute.
-Wow! -Oh, my God!
JAMES: Oh, look at that!
That's the sandy bit.
That's massive.
JEREMY: In fact, it was just a small detached bit of the Gobi Desert.
But even so, it would be the first real test
for our hastily built homemade car.
Oh, right, there is a river.
JAMES: I see it.
RICHARD: I think we want to get out where that horse is.
-The horse is... -Literally having a piss.
JEREMY: That's milk, though, coming out of it. How's that happened?
RICHARD: No, it's wee.
JEREMY: Yeah, you're good.
-Right, up you go. -(REVVING)
RICHARD: There it is.
JEREMY: Having reached the edge of the sand...
...it was time to prepare for entry.
Right, hang on, let me just get my compass.
This is where we are gonna need it.
So I put the N on the N, don't I?
And then you're looking for Northeast.
-So that way. -Yeah.
JEREMY: The car had a low-range gearbox.
But as its engine was a bit gutless,
Hammond and I got out to reduce weight
and set off to climb the first dune on foot.
Oh, Hammond. Beer.
Agh!
But, boy, was it worth the effort!
Oh, ho-ho-ho.
Oh, holy mother of...
RICHARD: That's beautiful. I didn't expect this.
JEREMY: Well, it's a lost world, look.
As we admired the view,
the world's best off-road driver
was beginning his ascent.
Bollocks!
Be a shame if he misses this view because of his incompetence.
-Yeah. -Because we've already proved the car works.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not the car. He's just messing about.
Ohh!
JEREMY: Hammond then went off to find a route James could use,
leaving me to contemplate the majesty of my surroundings.
They say this is the dark heart of Asia.
Perhaps that's why no-one comes.
But, I mean, look.
And the other thing is, Genghis Khan
created in just 20 years the biggest empire the world has ever seen.
Why? It's not like he was cramped here.
(SIGHS)
I don't really want to go to a town.
-Oh, oh! -(BLEEP) me!
Said the cameraman.
We really are good at wildlife photography, aren't we?
-"Ooh, (BLEEP) me!" -(LAUGHTER)
JAMES: Right, here we come!
JEREMY: With Hammond's help, James finally got up the dune.
Yes, come on! Come on, come on, come on.
Keep going, keep moving. Mind that dip.
Oh, yes!
But from then on the going got tougher and tougher.
(GROANS) Come on.
-Yeah, OK. -That's what I meant, that's what I meant.
Right, digging.
Yes!
Try it up that way.
-James, back it up. -Agh.
(ENGINE STRAINS)
Whoa, not again!
-It's gonna go. JEREMY: Yes!
RICHARD: That worked! -(LAUGHS)
JEREMY: Eventually, after a lot of digging and zigging and zagging,
we reached some firmer sand.
Oh, we are making progress now.
-Oh, yes. -Straight on a bit.
-Greenery! -Yes, there it is!
RICHARD: Salvation!
-Ohh! -Bumpy.
JEREMY: Hold on, stop, stop, stop.
Stop. I see a problem.
(JAMES CHUCKLES)
Right, so between us and our quest is...
-A big drop. -A cliff.
No, it's fine actually, James.
Is it? Yeah, it's fine. It's...
Yeah, you're good. It's like that.
-Good. -It's pretty much level-ish.
Yeah, you'll be fine. Off you go.
Oh, you're funny men!
Oh, you're very funny!
JEREMY: Having crossed the sandy bit,
we paused for a moment of celebration.
So, there we are. The first successful crossing
of the mighty Gobi Desert,
or some of it, in that car.
No, hang on a minute.
What?
What's troubling me is you see that little bit of river there?
-Yes. -That's the river we crossed to get into the Gobi Desert.
And we've emerged 300 metres away
from the stream where we went into the desert.
James, I've got some bad news.
We are still south of the Gobi Desert.
Oh...
JEREMY: Rather than try to drive through it again,
we decided to bravely drive round it instead.
Right, now, let's just gloss over the fact that we made a catastrophic error,
and ended up back where we started from...
Just go round to... We're going round the east, Hammond.
Yes.
JEREMY: Do you think this passes for a road in Mongolia?
I suspect this is a road, yes.
I should think... Yeah.
Cos do you know how many paved roads
there are in the whole country?
-Go on. -Two.
-There's not two paved roads. -Outside of the cities,
there are only two paved roads.
Whoa, bumpy.
(ALL GROANING)
-James! -Bumps!
(ALL GROANING)
One of the things I'm worried about is
haemorrhoids from these seats.
It's a very real possibility.
You can get haemorrhoids from hard seats?
Yeah. Bounc... Jiggling.
However, there is a Mongolian cure for them.
(GROANING)
Kill a wolf,
remove its anus
and then grate it onto your food.
I don't fanc--
-Really? -No, seriously.
Because they reckon that wolves never get piles.
So they reckon--
What, on the basis that no wolf has ever said, "Ooh, my piles"?
"Ooh, my Chalfonts."
RICHARD: Bump! Ooh.
JAMES: As Jeremy continued to amaze us
with his interesting facts about Mongolia...
I do know that one of Genghis Khan's cavalrymen
could shoot an arrow through a marmot's head
from 250 feet away while galloping.
...it started to go dark.
But because we'd covered so few miles, we had to plough on.
What the temperature is doing is plummeting.
Where's the heater?
-Ah. There isn't one. -Yes.
-Look, come on. -You can thank Mr Wilman for that one.
RICHARD: Bump!
-(RATTLING) -Oh-ha!
JEREMY: Soon we couldn't see where we were going.
-Ready for some lights? -Yeah, does this thing... Might be that.
-Lights! There they are! -(CHEERING)
JEREMY: Hello. We've died. JAMES: We have died.
RICHARD: Problem. -Don't panic.
Don't panic. Handbrake, please, Mr Hammond.
No, we've completely lost the electrics.
So we turned the lights on and...
That's what's... It's fried a fuse, maybe.
JEREMY: The main fuse had indeed blown.
So we replaced it
and with the roof lights turned off,
resumed our headlong plunge into the cold unknown.
(WIND WHISTLING)
JAMES: Let's sing a song! -No.
JEREMY: Desperate to cover more ground,
we didn't pitch the tents till 1am.
And then after another cold night of frost-hardened misery,
we wondered how we could make our car more comfortable.
-Are you stiff? -Oh, God, yeah.
My neck and back, like, legs, everything.
Yeah, well, we're gonna... I think we're gonnna make extra lumber support
with our rolled up air mattress things.
And I would suggest from my experiences yesterday
we use a bit of the spare leftover foam
and double the thickness of the arse portion.
I tell you what I thought of in the night.
-Yes? -We should give our vehicle a name.
I thought about that. I came up with Genghis Car.
-(LAUGHING) -That's really good!
-It's not bad, is it? -The only slight problem with it is
Genghis was quite a big murderer.
-He was quite murdery. -I suppose he was murdery.
He did 34 million.
Let's not name it after him, then.
There's another problem as well.
-He was quite rapey. -He was very rapey.
-The rapiest man ever to have lived. -Yeah, he was.
Do you know, and this is not made up,
one in every 200 people alive today
can trace their ancestry back to Genghis Khan
or the seed of Genghis Khan.
So how did he have time to do any warring?
Well, he must have just been a skin full of sperm.
JEREMY: As work on the modifications progressed,
I came up with a name we liked.
-John. -John's a good solid name. I like it.
It's honest. It's unpretentious.
-Dependable people are called John. -Yes.
-John Lewis. -That is a dependable shop.
-Isn't it? -Yeah, exactly, because it's called John.
With the comfort mods complete
and John duly christened...
...we set off in search of our next waypoint:
the Watery Part.
However, Hammond was not happy.
Why are you driving?
Well, you drove yesterday.
No, I didn't.
-You did drive yesterday. -I didn't.
He can't remember anything, can he?
His memory... Your memory, Hammond,
is just getting appalling.
I didn't drive. I still haven't driven it.
To try and distract Hammond,
I came up with some more of my special Mongol trivia.
Back in the 13th Century,
Khan, Genghis,
could get messages, OK,
from one side of his empire to the other in four days.
They could do 250 miles a day. One rider.
-What, relay horses? -One rider. Yeah.
You'd ride, galloping, flat out, 25 miles.
When you were a mile out
from the horse station you were approaching,
you sounded your horn.
They had a horse ready.
You leapt onto it without getting...
just from one horse to the other,
and then carried on
and he could do 250 miles a day.
-So how many horses did he have? -Across the empire?
-Yeah. -30 million.
JEREMY: To keep Hammond's tiny mind from thinking about driving,
we put him in charge of navigation.
And weirdly, he was rather good at it.
So we've got these two mountain ranges...
and we go left and the watery bit will be over there.
And guess what? He was right.
It turned out to be a river, which we'd have to cross.
Er...can't really get out there.
Over there we can get out.
Oh, yes. Picking my route carefully.
You don't need low-range. You just need somebody with skill and precision.
Whoa!
RICHARD: Agh!
-That went wrong! -Jeez!
Why would you do that to us?
Oh, the rest of the day's gonna be bloody miserable! You muppet!
JEREMY: To make sure it wasn't, we built a fire,
dried our shirts,
and then set off once more into the big nothing.
And after a while, I felt another Mongolia fact coming on.
It's about the same size as Spain, France, Germany, the Czech Republic, Italy--
-All rolled in? -...Britain, Ireland, all rolled in.
RICHARD: And it's empty.
Three million people living in an area the size of Western Europe.
-Yeah. Staggering. -Yeah.
With the sun gently warming us,
we continued onwards in search of the Twin Lakes.
Until navigator Hammond suggested we climb a small hill
to get our bearings.
That looks a lot steeper from here
than it did from back there.
It's a little hill.
JEREMY: Soon, though...
Axle tramping.
-Quite a lot of axle tramping. -Quite bad.
-Right, stop. -Yeah.
-I have. -Right, I think we should get out.
-Why should you get out? -I'm the only one who's driven John up hills
and I'm telling you, that's too steep.
OK.
-You got it. You got it. -That's better.
-Yeah! -Come on, John.
-Wow! -Come on!
JEREMY: He's hopping up this hill like a rabbit.
RICHARD: That is a remarkable sight.
JEREMY: What a machine you are, John!
Good.
(LAUGHS)
RICHARD: Yeah! JAMES: That's amazing.
John, the mountaineer of many places,
has shaken his own brake pedal off
but has made it.
JAMES: That's the first car ever to pogo up a hill!
JEREMY: Thanks to John's incredible achievement,
we could now see what was what.
Nice one, Hammond.
-No lakes. -Well, we can now rule it out.
We know it's not there. It must be somewhere else.
-Yeah, it is. -Exactly.
No, no, I mean, it is.
Exactly. It's there.
And so now we know where we are in relation to it.
JEREMY: With the Twin Lakes found,
we could plot the next leg of our journey.
Some Trees are northeast, look.
And there's a Bumpy Meadow beyond.
It's definitely northeast.
After a pleasant drive round the lakes
and past Some Trees,
we eventually arrived at the Bumpy Meadow.
Which didn't sound too bad.
-However... -Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
-Ah! -Bloody hell!
-Oh! -That's proper bumpy.
Ow!
(ALL THREE GROANING)
(BLEEP) hell!
I can't tell from the map how long this goes on for
but it looks to be forever.
(KNOCKING AND RATTLING)
(GROANING)
Smooth bit. Smooth.
Gentlemen, enjoy this moment.
I'm afraid it's over.
-Ohh! -Ugh!
-Agh! -Oh!
-Agh! -Oh, that was huge.
Ow!
(JAMES GROANS)
RICHARD: Bloody hell!
-(THUD) -Oh! Ooh!
That is 35 minutes of solid this.
-Yeah. Ugh! -Let it end!
(GROANING)
There's the end, look, there.
I know, but it's 300 yards away.
(GROANING)
-Ooh! -Ooh!
I just dislocated my pelvis if that's possible.
It's just snapped back into place.
RICHARD: Oh, God.
(RICHARD AND JAMES SIGH WITH RELIEF)
This is 500 miles. Let's say we've done... even if we've done 100...
Yeah.
Which is probably about right.
Don't think about it.
Oh, 400 more miles of not sleeping, not drinking
and driving over that sort of stuff.
God, bloody hell!
I wouldn't even call that a meadow. It's not a meadow.
I bet it was invented by Genghis Khan for people he hated.
"You can either have my solider
put his hand up your anus and pull your heart out of it
or you can drive across there."
-Bring on the solider. -Yeah. It is bring on the solider.
JEREMY: As evening fell, we exchanged one sort of discomfort for another.
Um...I'm frozen.
-What? -I'm really cold.
And the wind's coming this way.
I drive a lot faster than you did yesterday.
I didn't drive yesterday!
What is the matter with him?
JEREMY: God knows how many miles later,
we came across our next landmark.
Oh, and there it is. That is the Creepy Teepee.
What is it?
(LAUGHS) It must be for something.
JAMES: Well, it must mean something, mustn't it?
JEREMY: The annoying thing is, normally we'd look it up on Google
and then we'd say, with learned faces,
we know what this is and we'd tell the viewer.
Well, what we've actually got to say now is,
"We haven't got any phone service. You have. You look it up.
Teepee, Mongolia."
If you wouldn't mind looking it up, what it is,
and then imagine we're imparting that information to you
-in a very learned fashion. -I'll do it.
(MOUTHS)
James, that's fascinating.
Thank you for telling me all about this thing.
-Ooh. -What?
Look at this.
That looks like bone and string.
-That's a proper piece of kit. -I know.
RICHARD: That's a Mongolian bow.
Ooh.
-Is it finders, keepers, or can I have it? -It's finders, keepers.
I'm just checking.
Look, we don't know what this is, do we?
No. Are we going to camp here? Because it's still light.
Should we press on a bit further?
We can go a bit more. It's only half seven.
If we camp here, what are we gonna do?
We'll have the tent up by eight, fire lit by ten past.
-What do we then think at ten past eight? -Well, what we'd normally do
-is drink heavily and set fire to that. -Yeah. (LAUGHS)
-But that can't happen. -No, I know.
But I'm not gonna be able to resist...
-(RICHARD LAUGHS) -So I'm just not... Let's go far away from here.
Let's move on from the Creepy Teepee.
JEREMY: And so, on a glorious evening, we did that.
Until eventually...
-Jeremy, you've been driving for 12 hours straight. -Yeah.
-You've done really well and you must be exhausted. -Here we go.
-Well, no, I tell you what, why don't I... -Yes, yeah, go on.
-Really? -Yes.
I can't sit listening to this twittering on any more.
-Quickly. -Really? I'll gladly... Brilliant.
-Thank you. -Really?
Well, he just won't shut up. "Can I drive? Can I drive?"
-Well, I mean, it's fair enough. -"Can I drive? Can I drive?
-I built it. I want to drive." -Thank you very much.
-First is over towards James. -Oh-ho!
-Oh, yeah. -Stop, stop, stop, stop.
What? What?
Well, I'm just thinking, hang on...
This is literally the most perfect spot.
-He's right, actually. -Why don't we pitch camp here?
-What? -That is a top camping site.
-Look at the view. -I mean, look at the view there.
No, seriously, that is a... Even you've got to admit that's a perfect camp site.
Yeah, shut it down, Hammond. We'll pitch camp here.
(ENGINE STOPS)
JAMES: With that decided, Hammond and I got the fire going
and then waited for the food and beverage manager to work his magic.
-I didn't stop you driving. -You did.
-How? -Suddenly deciding to camp here.
Well, come on, you must admit this is the perfect...
Even you can't find anything to criticise about this
and you're a camping enthusiast.
-It's very nice, yeah. -It's perfect.
But there's plenty of nice--
-Guys? -What?
Have you seen the ration boxes for tonight and tomorrow?
No, that's your department.
I know, but I put them in that box this morning and they've gone.
All we've got is night six.
We've got night six
and we've got bread-making kit, which is flour and rice.
Oh, no, hang on a minute. Where were the ration boxes?
Well, I thought they were in that back box.
That's where I've been keeping them the whole time.
-You know, the one on the right. -Yes.
The lid of that was bouncing up and down when you did the Pac-Man thing.
I bet they fell out.
Well, that's actually really bad.
Well, we've got ration six,
which is for the night after tomorrow,
which gives us tomato and pasta salad,
Thai-style chicken soup, tomato and pasta salad.
Oh, no. I do apologise.
No, it's all right. Relax.
We've got two sachets of instant coffee
and one sachet of creamer.
Well, you can't... No, I'm sorry, I don't buy that.
I have done high and low searching.
-Were they boxes like that? -Yeah, they're boxes exactly like that.
Did you strap them to the back, on there?
Because I've taken that sand ladder off today.
Were any of them on top of here because all of this has come off?
-All of that. -I didn't put it in there.
Bloody hell. Are you sur...
I'm 100% sure.
Honestly, I've looked everywhere.
Well, if we were sensible,
we'd have how many nights is it?
He reckons we need three more nights.
And there's three sachets.
-So we'd be down to a third of a sachet each. -Yeah.
And each sachet contains, what is it, 6,000 calories or something?
Well, there's a lot of food value in them cos they're for soldiers.
So what if we share one?
I... Something'll turn up.
Let's just pretend this hasn't happened and eat the lot.
It's always my philosophy.
JEREMY: The next morning, after another sober and sleepless night,
it became obvious that the lack of drink
was having a strange effect on one of my colleagues.
What are you doing?
I've had an idea. It's raining, yeah?
We need windscreen wipers. We don't have one on there.
So I thought of how to build one. Got all this rubber.
Sandwich that. Two pieces of wood.
Big piece of wood over the back of it.
Bit of string round it. We can operate it as a windscreen wiper.
What's all that racket?
Well, somebody's kidnapped Richard Hammond
and replaced him with this Richard Hammond lookalike,
who got up early, had an idea by himself,
is executing it by himself and it's a windscreen wiper.
And you borrowed my book last night on the history of Mongolia.
It's very, very good as well. I've just got to the visit from those monks
when they're first over there and first encounter Mongolian culture,
which until then simply hadn't been known about.
Anyway, I've got to get on with this. I've nearly done it.
The only slight problem I can see
-with the new dynamic Richard Hammond... -Mm.
...is that he might get his memory back.
-A sober Richard Hammond. -I see what you mean, yeah.
Um...let's get this straight. When did he drive?
-The day before yesterday. -The day before yesterday.
-And he drove last night. -Oh, yeah. Yeah, OK, yeah.
-So it's my turn, isn't it? -It's your turn, yeah.
-Did he... Has he really made a windscreen wiper? -Yeah.
And it sounds like it'll work.
-We'll bring him along again. -(LAUGHS)
JEREMY: We then set off.
And exactly 17 seconds later,
conversation reverted to the principal issue at hand.
Last night, I had a dream about a glass of wine.
You're dreaming about wine now.
And I can tell you it was a Sancerre.
It had that fantastic acidic hit at the beginning
and then a couple of seconds later that slight warmth in the roof of my mouth.
It was fantastic. And then I woke up and it wasn't true.
And I nearly wept.
You know what we should call this car, really, instead of John?
-What, Gin? -Rehab!
(ALL LAUGH)
(RUMBLE OF THUNDER)
JEREMY: Soon the rain became torrential.
(CRASH OF THUNDER)
Which meant it was time
to unleash Professor Hammond's invention.
-What the hell is that? -That is a windscreen wiper.
Now, to me.
To you.
To me... to you.
To me.
Hammond, we're gonna have to face facts.
-To me. -It doesn't work.
To you.
To me.
It doesn't work, does it?
This is raining quite heavily now.
(CRASH OF THUNDER)
What is all... What's happening above me here, look?
Above you?
(RICHARD AND JEREMY LAUGH)
(ALL THREE LAUGH)
-Oh, dear. -James, I'm afraid, ladies and gentlemen,
has wet himself.
(ALL THREE LAUGH)
-We need to work on that. -We do.
-It can't rain all day, can it? -Yes.
-Oh, it's... -Rain before seven, fine by 11.
I don't think that works in Mongolia.
-That's only in Cotswolds. -(THUNDER)
JEREMY: Oh, hello, what's this?
Look at that ridge.
Look at that funny ridge.
JEREMY: What we'd stumbled on here was a huge geological scar...
...that seemingly ran on for ever.
I read about this in a book, actually, before I came out here.
There used to be a lake as big as that one over there,
the one we camped by last night, here,
and then in 1905 there was an earthquake,
a truly cataclysmic earthquake.
The lake was consumed. It simply disappeared
and a crack 400 kilometres long was formed in the earth.
But luckily, this enormous earthquake happened in Mongolia.
So the death toll...was 15.
As I marvelled at the power of the planet,
the Professor was busy mending and extending our roof.
Right, so if we put these two bars across...
If you pull that over to your side...
That's better.
JEREMY: With that done, we resumed our journey.
And since the Very Big Crack
was one of the features on our Winnie-the-Pooh map,
we knew that next up was the wooden house.
It doesn't say what the house is.
JAMES: Could it be a pub? RICHARD: Well...
JEREMY: Well, it could be. -Exactly right.
Or just an off-licence.
If it is a pub, on that map
it's about 100 miles high, so we won't miss it.
JEREMY: Oh, no, this pub is bigger than the Gobi Desert.
Yeah, we should spot it, then.
It should also have plenty of stock, which it's going to need.
JEREMY: Since we couldn't only talk about drink,
we tried to come up with some other topics of conversation.
I did a turd yesterday, OK?
I looked down at it
and it was two storeys with a little bit sticking up
and, as I looked down, this fly landed on it.
You could see it. It looked at me like, "This is now my palace."
Then later on that same fly was in your tent.
With that subject exhausted, we fell back on my new favourite topic.
There's no getting away from the fact, though,
that Genghis Khan was the greatest military mind
-the world has ever seen. -But an utter bastard.
Oh, an utter bastard.
I mean, Genghis once did one town
and then he cut all the women and children and cats' heads off
and made a pyramid out of them.
-Cats is a nice touch. -Yeah.
He hadn't got enough. He needed some filler for his pyramid,
so he cut all the cats' heads off.
See, that's a warning to the next town, isn't it?
The next town is gonna say, "We give in."
"Ah, Mr Khan, we've had a look at your CV and, yes, you can have the city."
-"And everything in it." -"Help yourself!"
But there has never been a greater military mind.
I mean, the Roman Empire
compared to the Mongol Empire
was literally a speck of dust.
His went from the Yellow Sea to the Danube.
At this point, our conversation was interrupted by something hilarious.
-Oh, my God! -Oh, ho-ho!
-Oh, dear. -Can we just see that on that camera?
I don't know if we can turn it round a bit.
That's our camera tracking car.
-(LAUGHS) It's stuck. -Stuck.
-John isn't. John is not stuck. -Are we stuck? No.
As we needed the camera crew to make this miserable trip worthwhile,
we had to rescue them.
Are you feeling a bit smug?
-I am actually full of smug. -Yeah.
-OK, here we go. JAMES: Ready to go?
In three, two, one.
Dump that clutch. Dump it.
-And we're free! -John has done it!
John has succeeded!
John has pulled the mass-produced Toyota Land Cruiser
out of the mire!
Here's the message we're giving you all.
Buy Mongolian.
Riding on a cushion of smugness, we resumed our search
for the wooden pub.
But soon it became a cushion of misery.
(WIND WHISTLES)
Oh, that is cold now.
Brrr-brrr-brrr.
(RICHARD GROANS) How can the temperature vary this much this quickly?
It's incredible.
(GROANS) It's because it's land-locked, isn't it?
-There's no sea to moderate it. -Exactly.
Moments later, though, our spirits were lifted.
-What's that? -Pub. That's the pub.
This is the first time in two-and-a-half days that I have hope in my heart.
-Well, what do you want? -Scotch.
-I'd have mulled wine. -No, brandy. I think brandy.
What about some King's Ginger?
Ooh, God! Yes.
-There's the door. Right. -The door. The door.
Three pints of your finest, please, landlord.
Locked?
Shut, maybe.
-It's not open. -Well, they might just not be up.
-Hello...in Mongolian. -Hello.
-Oh, wait. -Hello.
-Oh, no, hang on. -It's empty.
-It is, isn't it? -It's disused.
(WIND WHISTLING)
-Hungry. Hungry now. RICHARD: Yeah.
-And damp. -And damp. Very damp.
You know on other TV shows where you've got, like, explorers and stuff?
You mean Bear Grylls?
Yeah, they don't moan, do they?
-No, they don't moan... -He doesn't moan.
-...because they go back to a hotel. -Yeah.
"Oh, I'm being chased by a bear,"
which is a man in a (BLEEP) bear costume, and then he goes to a hotel.
We, on the other hand, are stupid enough to sit in a homemade car
when it's minus 40, with no drink, no food,
and no end in sight to this journey.
I'm actually getting fed up.
JEREMY: Several horrible hours later, though,
our spirits were lifted once more.
Wait a second. Is that...
That's a road.
That's the first made road we've seen.
The only place it can go is Moron.
-It's the only place. -There isn't any other.
Why go to the trouble of making a road unless it goes to the only town?
-It's a road! -This goes to Moron!
JEREMY: We're on a road!
Oh, let's get some speed up.
We'll be at the pub tonight!
Pub tonight, we'll be straight there.
Oh, my God!
I've never been so happy in my entire life.
-There's a bridge... -Smell it.
We haven't even got to clamber down. There's an actual bridge!
JEREMY: The bridge, as it turned out, was the Wibbly Wobbly Bridge.
But Wibbly Wobbly was a bit of an understatement.
This was no problem for John, though, who simply hopped through the river.
It's a signature characteristic.
-And back onto the road. -It works.
-Here we go. -Moron, here we come!
-Bunny hopping. -Yes!
Yes! Yes!
What?
JAMES: Well, that was a bit short-lived.
Oh, why has it just ended?
JEREMY: The reason it had ended
was because of the next feature on our map...
...which up close appeared to be...
...completely impassable.
However, Eeyore likes boggy and sad places, so...
-James, don't just... James, don't drive in... -As the bloody crow flies!
Well, pick a route!
JAMES: It's the same as the stuff we were doing yesterday.
-Slow down! -Not so fast!
-Slow down! -Calm down. It's fine.
This is an off-roader. It's perfectly capable of this sort of thing.
-Well, it's not, is it? It's... -Just stop, stop, stop.
It is idiotic to drive in here.
It's poured with rain all last night and all morning.
It's gonna be an absolute quagmire.
We've got to get to those mountains.
-Well, look... -Let's find a...
We'll find a way round it. We need higher ground.
If we drive around... Look, if we drive around it,
that could be an extra 100 miles for all we know.
The road leads here. This is obviously the way you go.
They wouldn't build a road to something you couldn't drive through.
Where are you going now?
-Well, I'm aiming for the mountains. -Water here.
Oh, we've...
JAMES: That's some mud. Don't worry.
Oh, James!
Agh! Agh!
JAMES: No, that's not gonna work.
I'm going to kill him.
RICHARD: Oh, bloody hell! You've buried it!
JAMES: With two fewer passengers, and the diffs locked...
JEREMY: Go on, James, go on. Power, power, power!
...John boinged free. -Yay!
RICHARD: Excellent effort.
JEREMY: Right, you're out.
Only another 300 miles of this bog you've driven into to go.
JEREMY: Thanks to May's stubbornness,
it looked like we'd be spending
the rest of the day on foot.
RICHARD: It could be like this all the way.
Oh, shitty death, that's a bit...
The bank collapsed.
JAMES: Luckily, the new improved Richard Hammond came up with a plan.
Right, this'll do.
Oh, for (BEEP) sake.
I can't get my shoe...
Oh, May! I've lost my shoes!
Ha!
What do you want me to do before I die of hypothermia?
Because my shoes are four feet under the bog over there.
I'm going to shackle the high-lift jack to the eye on there.
I'm then going to shackle this tow rope to the high-lift jack.
I'm going to set 10 or 12 ground pins into the solid ground over there,
use the parachute harness as an anchor, shackle this to that,
and use the jack as a winch to wind it out.
I live in Holland Park, I don't read off-roading magazines.
JAMES: He's being very sort of authoritative, for him.
Well, he's sober, and he's in his element.
Right.
Give it a go.
Come on, come on!
Yay!
Yeah, those mountains are only now 70 kilometres away!
RICHARD: Oh, dear God!
We could have found a path round.
-(SPLASH) -(JAMES SPUTTERS)
JEREMY: Several miles later, James became his stuckest yet.
Oh, my God.
-Ah-h-h... -It'll be all right, go on.
-Agh, agh, agh! -You're all right, you'll be all right.
That's very perilous.
And then, alarmingly, he asked Hammond to take the wheel.
You're going... Wait a minute, you're actually letting him drive John?
Well, he's... Well, he's from the country.
You've to remember, that's only like
getting out of the garage at Hammond's house.
-(JEREMY CHUCKLES) -(ENGINE REVS)
You're in third gear. Try first.
Honestly, mate, anyone would think you'd never driven this before.
RICHARD: Come on! Come on, come... come out.
-Ah! -He's ruined everything in there.
The map, ruined.
Compass, ruined. Cameras are ruined.
RICHARD: It will go, it will...
Oh, that's not supposed... I can save this.
And he's rolled it. How far has he covered?
Less than its own length.
RICHARD: It's all right, I'm used to this!
(JEREMY LAUGHS)
What are we going to do?
I know, why don't you, with your vast bulk, just stand up on there?
That could be enough to just tip it back again. Jump off, we're back where we started.
What?
-You want me to get on it? -Well, just on there.
-That's a brilliant idea. -You're the heaviest.
That's why they call you Fatty Car Righter.
(GRUNTS) Right, I'm on.
(RICHARD LAUGHS)
This was entirely predictable...
JAMES: There you go. -It's working!
-Yay! -Thank you.
-Right, the trouble is now, James... -Yeah?
-...he's stuck where he is. -And you're stuck where you are.
But if I climb over you into that seat, that should be enough.
This is like the end of The Italian Job.
-Right, I'll stand on the tyre. -Yeah.
Right, so Hammond gets out.
-As I slide into the middle, you get in at the same time. -That's actually clever.
And then he can get back in and we're all in.
-I'm out of there. -And I'm going to get in now.
-Right. -Right, I'm firing up.
(ENGINE REVS)
Coming...
-Agh! -Jesus!
-Christ on a... -That was close.
JEREMY: Right, we're out. JAMES: There you go.
Stop, I want to get out.
I never want to drive another inch with you, or him.
After such a fraught afternoon,
we all needed a bit of me-time.
After several silent hours,
we stopped for the night at what looked like a promising spot.
-But it just isn't, is it? -Not really.
(WIND WHISTLING)
RICHARD: But no matter.
The food and beverage manager soon swung into action.
(HISS OF GAS)
Using traditional methods to get this fire going.
And soon we shall have some delicious rice.
-How would you like it, boiled? -Yeah.
-There's nothing we can put with it. -(BEEP) Ow! How's...
What manner of thing has happened?
(BEEP) Shit! What's gone...
RICHARD: Incoming. (MIMICS EXPLOSION)
Holy-moly!
It was a hand grenade. It was literally a hand grenade.
You set fire to the plastic housing at the top.
JEREMY: As supper cooked, I decided to string my new bow.
Where's my parachute cord? Here.
This bow, it goes that way, doesn't it, yeah?
No. Goes the other way.
-Goes that way? -Yeah.
-That way? -Yeah.
-But surely you'd pull it... -No, that will break it.
Because the material on the outside works better when it's stretched.
Its tendon, sinew.
The material on the inside, bone,
works better under compression when it's squashed.
It's the world's first example of composite materials.
Some Mongolian warriors were the first to ever do that.
So they put the two materials sandwiched together,
so the bone is squashed on the inside...
The tendon is stretched on the outside,
and then it goes "Pa-twang!" And as a result,
their bows could be half the length of a long bow,
and still as powerful.
So they could fire from horseback over the neck,
and you fire to the right, to the left, or behind.
Those are the three positions they could fire.
I used to know this guy called Richard Hammond who was daft as a brush.
How do you know all that stuff about bows and arrows?
It's just... I...
Because I'm remembering things.
-(JEREMY LAUGHS) -Don't like it!
JEREMY: The next morning, after eating the last of our food,
we resumed our journey to Moron.
We reckoned we'd covered 350 miles.
But as our map was not to scale,
we had no idea how much was left to go.
All we did know is that we were hungry and worn out.
I've got incredible aches and pains across my shoulders.
Well, there is no bit of me that doesn't ache.
There's no bit of me that's warm, comfortable, dry,
and I defecated for the sixth, fifth, sixth day on the trot
in a field like an animal.
-(THUDS) -Oh!
-Oh, bloody... -My back!
I think we got some air there.
-(JAMES GROANS) -Oh, shit.
(JAMES GROANS)
Oh, God, that was not good.
Still, at least things soon got worse.
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
Oh, brilliant.
Just getting a golden shower now.
(ROARING WIND)
Oh, jeez, that's the worst it's been.
JEREMY: If there's a cliff at the top of this, I'm going over.
I'm just going to end it now.
I want a glass of wine!
We were aiming for the next target on our map,
which was Lots of Trees.
And soon, we found them.
-Oh, look at that. RICHARD: Wow!
Wowee!
Holy mother of God, what an amazing place we're in.
Next, we were looking for the Big River,
and to get a better view we made once more for high ground.
-Come on, John. -(JUDDERING AND RATTLING)
Yes, you can do it.
I'm sorry, I find that quite funny.
I think it's when he's happy.
At the top, there was no river in sight.
Just more Mongolia.
So we broke out the map.
Right, we've got a decision to make.
I reckon we're here, OK?
Cos we've done Lots of Trees,
we're about just sort the end of that bit.
And we've got to cross this river, whatever happens.
We could go either this way up north and around.
That probably is a bit further.
Or we could go south.
-That is a lot further than that. -Yes.
But it ends in the Deep River of Despair
with crashing water over rocks.
They've... It's illustrated on the map.
-That does not... -They made a point of drawing it like that.
If we can't cross there, we'll have to come all the way back up and round anyway.
If we go this way, we'll find a track.
There'll be a way along the side, the flanks of that lot.
-That valley there. -Yes, round...
-That's a long way round. -I know, but...
It's further but it doesn't have that in it.
We are agreed, then, gentlemen.
-We are heading north. -Yes.
We're not interested in pretty, we're not interested in despair.
We're interested in wine.
-And the easiest route is that one. There you go. JEREMY: North.
RICHARD: Saddle up.
JEREMY: Our decision had added yet more miles to the journey.
But there was an upside to that.
We would get to see more of this achingly beautiful country.
(WIND WHISTLES)
Mongolia just changed again.
-What was I not expecting to see? -Camels.
Yep. What am I seeing?
RICHARD: Ooh. Pine. Smell. Ohh!
And that's real pine, not pine out of a tin.
JEREMY: I tell you what I'll be able to do in here. -What?
Go off with my bow and arrow and catch things.
-Ha-ha-ha! -What do you mean, "Ha-ha-ha!"?
-Look at that down there now. -Look at the size of that eagle on that rock!
-Holy crap! JAMES: Oh, God, yes.
RICHARD: It's massive!
RICHARD: It's gonna be weird going home
when you can't just set off in the direction you wanna go.
-I wanna go over there. -Go over there, then.
It's gonna be really strange.
JEREMY: Many hours later, we still hadn't spotted the river.
Could you hear my stomach rumbling?
Not over my own, no.
JEREMY: But then...
-That's the river. -What?
That's the river. I just saw it at the foot of those hills.
You didn't, Hammond. Can you see a river, James?
-No. -Neither can I.
-It's the river of gin in his imagination. -He's gone mental.
-You'll see it in a minute. At the foot of that cliff. -Oh, my...
-Oh, he's right. -Thank you.
JEREMY: All we had to do now was get down to it.
And I had a simple plan.
-Why don't we go down here? -You don't know what's over this edge.
-It might be really steep and horrible. -It might be sheer.
-(COMEDY VOICE) Relax! -No, it's not relaxing.
RICHARD: James, will you hold it in low ratio? -Yes, I am.
Because if it pops out now...
Then we would be in a world of pain.
We'd be doing a million miles per hour by the time...
JEREMY: Literally a million.
(CLUNKING AND RATTLING)
-It's steep, isn't it? -It is steep!
JEREMY: It's steeper than I thought.
Soon, though, thanks to my brilliant plan and driving,
we made it!
JEREMY: Oh, a smooth run to the river.
Pop across it. Quick evening drive into Moron.
RICHARD: Yeah, we can still get there tonight now.
JEREMY: But then when we arrived at the river,
our hearts sank into our empty stomachs.
Look at what's on the other side. I mean, look.
-Yeah, that's... -Observe to your left, gentlemen.
RICHARD: That is a huge problem. Well, we can't get out.
JAMES: We'll not even get up there, to be honest. RICHARD: What do we do?
We have to do cross it.
-The thing is, it'll take us hours... -Yeah.
JAMES: Yeah. -..to find somewhere to cross.
-Hours. JAMES: And then it'll be dark.
-Yes. -So...say it.
We're going to-- Yes, we're going to have to camp here.
But we've got no food.
JEREMY: That wasn't quite true.
We had some flour, and a packet of creamer.
Which we mixed with some ice-sharp river water,
and fresh herbs to create a soup
that was surprisingly disgusting.
And the next morning, we began our search
for a crossing point.
But hang on, is that a gap coming up there?
JEREMY: Even if we could do 30 yards, look behind it.
Look, we've got to turn around and try the other way.
Hang on, hang on. What about there?
JAMES: Actually, that looks quite good.
-There's basically a lawn on the other side. -The other side is fantastic.
-And there's a gap in the mountain. -But look how deep it is.
-Yeah, that's ten feet deep. -Going to drown the car getting across.
JEREMY: Eventually though, after several more miles of searching...
Wait a minute. That looks extremely good.
RICHARD: That's the way out.
JEREMY: And the river's shallow there. Can you see?
-Where it's... -That looks like a bit of a gift.
How deep do we think it is?
RICHARD: It's broad here so it won't have carved a deep groove, will it?
-Is that how it works? -Let's go with that thought, shall we?
-Yeah, let's go with that. -Or we could drive up and down here until we die.
I'm sick of driving up and down. We can get out, so let's get in.
JAMES: We can definitely go on.
We've got a snorkel breather on the engine.
We cross the drink and get a drink.
-(EXHALES) Let's do it. -Right.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
JEREMY: OK, and we're...
-Oh, John is wading. -(OVERLAPPING DIALOGUE)
Oh-ho! Whoa! That's... that's glacial run-off,
and it's unbelievably cold!
JAMES: Whoa, that's... Oh, no! -Oh!
JEREMY: OK, James, I now have a freezing starfish. RICHARD: Oh!
-It's all the way up to my arse. -Argh!
(BUBBLING)
JEREMY: It's too deep, it's deep. Stop, stop, James.
Back up, James. Please, I beg of you.
(REVVING, CLUNKING)
-I think the wheels are spinning. JEREMY: They are spinning.
Yeah, that's not working.
I did feel us run over a boulder or something.
-Did you feel that? -Yes.
I think we're wedged against that backwards.
(THUDS)
(THEY CRY OUT)
-Did I just feel the whole car move? -Yes, you did.
-That's the current. JAMES: Forwards.
We can't go forwards. If that gets any deep...and we've got inches in here,
the engine will be completely submerged,
all the electrics underwater - end of.
JEREMY: The only solution was to reverse.
Which meant we had to free the rear wheels.
-Holy shit! JAMES: What?
I've just had a transgender operation.
Aargh!
-Ohh! -Are you all right, Hammond, in there?
I'm not getting out.
I'm from Birmingham. I'm not good with water.
-Uhh! -Ahh!
The current's really (BLEEP) strong.
-It's very deep. -Guys, I just felt the car move again in the current.
-Cut the doors off. JEREMY: Why?
-Cut the doors off! -Why cut the doors off?
-They're what's moving it. -They're the only bit I put on!
Well, I don't care, it's gonna kill the whole car.
James, cut the other ones off.
(SNAPPING)
(THUDDING)
JAMES: Doors are off.
Oh, brilliant! So the only contribution I made to John
are now on their way to Shanghai.
Now, though, we could concentrate
on finding out what was blocking us.
JEREMY: We're both going simultaneously? -(LAUGHS)
JEREMY: Three, two, one...
JEREMY: Both rear wheels were jammed by big rocks.
-Can you move the rocks? -Oh, yes, Hammond.
When there's an emergency in the world people always say,
"I know who we'll call: James May and Jeremy Clarkson.
-They're the men for the job." -That's who we're relying on.
You're gonna have to be like Titans.
You say you're a horse of a man. Be a horse, move the big rock.
Are you in neutral? Cos I'm about to dive down.
-In neutral, I'm not going anywhere. -Right.
-Come on, let's go, the quicker we get this done. -OK, counting down.
JEREMY: Three, two, one...
(BOTH INHALE)
(MUFFLED SPEECH)
(BLEEP) Current's got me.
(BLEEP) hell.
-(BLEEP) The current... -I moved it a bit.
The current just got a hold. I dived down and the current got me.
JEREMY: Don't worry, Hammond, everything's fine back here. -Good.
-Oh, I've done it. Oh, yes! -Have you done it?
-Yes. -Right, let's clear this one. Hang on.
-I got it. I think I got it. -Got it?
(ENGINE REVS)
JEREMY: It's moving, we've done it! We have... JAMES: Oh, yes!
JEREMY: Thanks for the lift, Hammond. -Yeah.
Right. Two things.
The river's really cold, and that bit's too deep.
-Right. I think we need to try another route. -Yeah, we do.
-Definitely. -OK, get on board.
JEREMY: We re-entered where the river seemed to be shallower.
Turn right. Now.
Yeah, well done, top work.
JAMES: Bit leany. JEREMY: Right, keep going, keep going, keep going.
Yep. Right, now, hang a diagonal.
Aim for those - the gap in the trees, do you see?
Really good. This is good, this is good.
If it doesn't go suddenly deep.
Oh, Christ, we've gone deep again.
Right, keep going, keep going, keep going.
JEREMY: You can feel it now, it's getting shallower.
JAMES: Ah, yes! RICHARD: Do you know, I think we might make it.
JEREMY: Left hand down. That's it. Left hand down.
We've nearly done it.
RICHARD: John can swim. I'm staggered. -Wahay, John!
-I am staggered. -Ha-ha-ha!
We're on our way to gin town.
JEREMY: Before moving on, though,
we had to make some modifications.
We haven't driven John as a convertible before with the top down.
No. We should explain, the reason we're driving with no roof,
is because James has turned it into a pair of trousers cos his are wet.
Hammond and I have turned one of the tents into a pair of trousers,
so if we don't make Moron tonight...
Two of us are sharing. You two will be all right in a tent together, won't you?
JAMES: No. JEREMY: Wrong.
Now the river was behind us, we had to work out what lay ahead.
Which was impossible.
Oh, God. There's just nothing marked on the map.
It just is cross the river, and then...nothing.
RICHARD: No.
JEREMY: We were therefore surprised a few miles later
to find our route was peppered by something
we hadn't encountered before.
About half a billion boulders.
(CLANKING, ENGINE REVVING)
(CLANKING)
JEREMY: No, stop, stop, stop.
He's bouncing, Hammond. That's the sign for you and I to jump ship.
Good luck, mate.
(CLANKING)
(ENGINE REVVING, CLANKING)
JEREMY: Try reversing.
I'm just covered in flies, cos of my orange trousers.
(BUZZING)
The orange trouser was a poor, poor idea.
JEREMY: Right, what we're trying to do now,
is because all the weight's on the back,
is actually reverse up.
Left hand down!
Right...Agh!
-OK, keep going. Straight back. -Have to shout!
Straighten up. Over to you, Hammond.
Bit of right. Uh...a lot of right.
Now left hand, hard left.
RICHARD: Once the slope levelled out,
John could turn and tackle the terrain face-on.
JEREMY: And hard left.
(CLATTERING)
(CLANKING)
JEREMY: Honestly, have you ever seen an off-roader like that?
RICHARD: What a machine!
(CLANKING)
JEREMY: This is his hardest work yet.
RICHARD: Ultimately, you're going down there, down the gully,
up the other side, and into the clear meadow beyond and we're all saved.
Jeeps! Are you sure about this, Hammond?
Yeah! Now a bit more right.
There you go. Keep the right in.
-Hammond, Hammond. -Yes?
-Have you seen... -Oh, God!
-(THUD) -Agh! What was that?
-Sorry, we were a bit distracted by this. -We were looking at the ants.
JEREMY: There are more ants there than there are Mongolians in Mongolia.
RICHARD: There probably are. JEREMY: Give it the beans!
RICHARD: Good, you are out.
I can't believe what it's capable of off-road. I'm staggered.
I have genuinely never seen
-a better off-road car than this. -No, it's astonishing.
I think NATO will be ordering 20,000 of these when they see this.
What are you thinking about, Hammond?
-Drink. -I don't think I'm gonna be allowed through
-the passport thing when I get home. -They won't recognise you.
I'll be two stone lighter, and I'll look like Jon Bon Jovi.
We were now more desperate than ever
for this trip to end.
If we can just get... You see those trees on the crest up there?
JAMES: Yeah. -Will we be able to see Moron from up there?
We'll see the sign that says: "Moron, twinned with Jeremy Clarkson".
(LAUGHS)
JEREMY: Soon, with our hearts soaring,
we were nearing the peak.
JEREMY: Summit. Can we see Moron?
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
RICHARD: Where is it?
JEREMY: Oh, no. No, no. JAMES: Oh, jeez...
RICHARD: Oh, bloody hell! JAMES: Please!
RICHARD: Oh, my God.
(INSECTS BUZZING)
(SIGHS)
Kill me.
We've only got two tents.
We've no food.
We were also low on fuel.
But we had to plough on with the punishment.
-(THUDDING) -(THEY CRY OUT)
Until two hours later, when we came across
the most wonderful thing we'd ever seen.
This was the first reminder in seven days
that we were in the 21st century.
RICHARD: Oh, my God! JEREMY: Yes! I've never been so happy...
But we still had to make a critical decision.
RICHARD: On one end of this... JEREMY: Is Moron.
-Yes. -The question is:
Do we go left... or do we go right?
-Right. -Well, why right?
Because I'm very lucky.
And it's lucky to go right in Mongolia.
-That's going to Moron. -What if that just goes all the way to nothing?
-It won't go to nowhere. -It'll go a power station.
It'll go to Russia. Go to a power station in Russia is where it'll go.
One end's got a power station in Russia on the end of it.
-The other has a gin and tonic. -And the other end... yeah.
Has got a gin and tonic.
RICHARD: We've decided.
Let's just stick with it and have faith in our decision.
JEREMY: Yeah, just to be crystal clear, though,
-if this is wrong... -I'll kill myself.
...I will be the one that says, "I told you it was left."
Yeah, I know you will. But I'll have killed myself,
so it doesn't matter, I won't hear it.
We needn't have worried though,
because just a few miles later,
we discovered that in Mongolia it really is lucky to turn right.
What a heavenly sight.
(EXHALES) How far away do you reckon it is?
JAMES: 10K.
-Come on, then, let's get this thing finished. -Let's do it.
JAMES: Yeah.
-It hasn't been easy, has it? -It really hasn't.
-God, no. -It really hasn't. I mean...
I'm just staggered that we haven't killed ourselves,
or each other, actually.
Because while Mongolia has just been...
...a constant source of wonderment,
the actual business of getting across it
has been by far and away
the most difficult, gruelling,
arduous journey... we've ever done.
Look!
JAMES: I would say we've got hundreds of components.
They haven't sent any beer, or gin or wine,
or alcohol of any sort.
-(THUDDING) -Oh!
RICHARD: God above! JAMES: Let it end!
-(ENGINE REVVING) JAMES: That's what I meant.
-(SQUELCHING) -Oh, May!
I've lost my shoes!
-I can save this. JEREMY: He's rolled it.
Brrr-brrr-brrr.
RICHARD: Oh.
Oh-ho, whoa! It's all the way up to my arse!
Aargh! (BLEEP) Current's got me.
(BLEEP) hell.
(ENGINE REVVING, CLANKING)
Aargh!
JEREMY: Fact is, though,
we couldn't have done any of that without John.
No. He's been incredible.
There's something else, you know.
Even though we built it in the middle of a field in the dust,
it has been unutterably reliable.
The only thing we've had to do to this car
-is change a fuse, which took about 30 seconds. -Yeah.
But the moral of that is, if you're going on an expedition
and you're absolutely dependent on your car for your life...get a John.
Yeah.
Look.
It's... I can't... I'm so excited.
-And thirsty. Ha-ha! -Oh, my God.
I've never wanted to arrive anywhere more than just there.
-Here we go. As we go past the sign, we're there. -Oh, this is it!
We are arriving, and we are here!
(CHEERING)
-(LAUGHTER) -We're in Moron!
-Hello, Moron, we love you! -Hello, Moron!
-(LAUGHTER) JEREMY: We have travelled far.
RICHARD: That was a journey! -Yes, the smoothness.
Oh, this is beautiful. I like this Tarmac lark.
-Right. We have now completed Mr Wilman's mission. -Yes.
-We must get on with completing ours. -Yes, where's the pub?
-Exactly! -Yes.
Right, and just another thing.
As we've done Mr Wilman's mission, this bit's for us.
-James, can I drive this bit? -No chance.
-Oh, come on. -No, seriously, Hammond.
No, it's not worth the risk at this late stage of you putting it on its side.
-What risk? Well, a bit. -There might be a bend.
-It might say "Finish." -There won't be a bend.
You've had all the fun, you've done the exciting bits:
the dunes and the mountains, and the gullies
-and the deserts, and the forests. -Yeah, and now the town.
JEREMY: James. -What?
Seriously, just to shut him up,
why don't you just let him have...a go?
-What, really? -Just let him drive. Pull up here.
-Seriously? -Yes, honestly.
-All right. -Please pull up here.
-It's your fault. -Oh, yes.
JEREMY: Unbelievable.
-Right, now you see some driving. -There we go.
-Whoa! Pub, pub, pub! -What?
-Whoa! -I've only done two feet!
(RATTLING)
-It's shut. JEREMY: What?
It's shut.
RICHARD: Do you know, it is, as well. -It is shut.
And on that terrible disappointment,
it's time to end.
Thank you so much for watching. Goodbye.