(ENGINE REVVING)
(TRAIN WHISTLE BLASTS)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
-(APPLAUSE INTENSIFIES) -Hello, everybody.
Hel-lo!
-How you doing? -Thank you.
Thank you.
-Thank you. -Welcome.
JEREMY: Thank you so much.
Thank you and coming up in this incredibly exciting show:
a young woman changes a wheel...
(SHE GRUNTS)
...an older woman drinks some lager...
...and Richard looks at a book.
Look at that.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
However...
However, we begin with a film from James May,
who's in his 80s.
-What? -(LAUGHTER)
No, wait, sorry.
We begin with a film from James May about the '80s.
Yes. Thank you.
The '80s, a time of marvellous excess -
you know, Gordon Gekko and big shoulder pads
and of course incredible supercars -
the greatest of which, without question,
was this one.
The Ferrari Testarossa...
...was excess on wheels...
...be it looks...
...attitude...
...or even size.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
When this car came out, people were absolutely aghast
at how wide this car was.
I don't mean wide like Del Boy,
I mean wide as in width.
It was enormous! Especially at the back.
And it simply oozed charisma
from every one of its slatted panels.
It was unquestionably...
...the only car that could star in Miami Vice.
(MIAMI VICE THEME)
In fact, Enzo Ferrari loved that show so much,
he actually gave its star, Don Johnson,
his own Testarossa.
And Don was just the tip of the celebrity iceberg.
Rod Stewart had one, Elton John had one,
Mike Tyson had one,
OJ Simpson had one.
And presumably wore driving gloves.
The price of this car, when it went on sale in 1985,
was £62,666.
That is, as I'm sure you know, the number of the beast.
And, when you unleashed its five-litre V12...
(ENGINE REVVING)
...it would do 180 miles an hour.
That was an astonishing figure for the time.
It had the speed and the celebrity fan base.
But the Testarossa was not what you'd call politically correct.
Consider, for example, that the window switches
are tiny little things hidden here on the centre console.
Where you'd expect them to be,
that...well, obviously, it's a huge ashtray.
In fact, if they'd given that a mirrored lid,
it could have had two uses.
If the 1980s were the era of excess, then,
well, this was the perfect car for the era.
I'm afraid Mr May has just been wasting your time rather
because that is not the ultimate '80s supercar.
This is.
For sheer over-the-topness,
nothing comes close to the Lamborghini Countach.
Alongside it,
the Testarossa looks like a family hatchback.
If you think the Ferrari is wide,
this is even wider.
And the Testarossa's doors don't open like this.
(ENGINE REVVING)
This version of the Countach, the LP5000,
was launched in 1985,
specifically to put the Testarossa back in its box.
Its 48-valve, 5.2 litre-V12...
...can take the Countach to 186 miles an hour,
or to be precise, more than the Ferrari.
In fact, in its day, this was the fastest production car in the world.
I've got a Kevlar bonnet,
I've got rear tyres the size of road rollers.
(TYRES SCREECH)
We're talking ultimate supercar here.
And this incredible machine...
...came from a company that didn't have half the resources of Ferrari.
Let me give you an example.
This car might look super aerodynamic, like a missile.
But in fact, it never saw the inside of a wind tunnel.
They couldn't afford to put it in one.
So instead, they ran a prototype up and down the motorway,
with bits of wool stuck all over it.
I love that!
Oh, hello. Here he comes.
(TYRES SCREECHING)
The also-ran.
Mr Silver Medallist.
(SNORTS)
The trouble with that Lamborghini is,
it's a bit "all mouth and no trousers."
Fastest car in the world, my arse!
Even Lamborghini will admit they ran slightly hooky cars
when they did the performance testing.
They took the mirrors off and stripped weight out of them.
Absolute flim-flam.
(TYRES SCREECH)
The thing is, supercars, to me,
are all about being the ultimate.
It doesn't matter what that is, but it has to be an ultimate.
And this is the ultimate bedroom wall poster car.
When I first saw one of these as a kid,
it lit a flame in my heart.
And when I saw one today, as a middle-aged man,
that same flame roared into life.
(ENGINES REVVING, TYRES SCREECHING)
Listen to that noise!
(EXHAUST BACKFIRING)
It's like a gun going off!
The problem is, the Lamborghini Countach wasn't really a car.
It wasn't really for driving...but this was.
It's got a proper boot, a decent-sized fuel tank,
it's got comfortable seats.
It's actually a continent crushing touring car.
(ENGINE REVVING)
Eventually, we pulled over
so we could continue arguing face to chest.
Oh, brakes on. Brilliant.
JAMES: On the line.
Right.
Oh, that's not...
That doesn't help much in there.
You can't see behind you, can you?
I just want to be really accurate and you can help.
That's in the way and that's in the way.
That's why the early ones had a periscope.
I've got a better idea. There's a cool thing I can do here.
If you sit here like...this...
...and then you can put it in reverse, there...
You're gonna run over your own foot.
-On no RPM. How cool is this? -Yes, it is moving. Yes, yes.
-I look pretty cool. -You're all right.
You're all right.
-I'm in my car but not-- -Bit of left hand down.
-What? Oh, yeah. -Left hand down.
It's like being out of the side of a helicopter in Vietnam.
It's that cool. Yeah.
I was just explaining to the viewers before we stopped
what a sham this car is.
That rear wing has no effect
other than to slow the car down
and make the front go light when you're at high speed.
It's actually worse than that cos it's illegal.
They didn't have the money to homologate it properly.
So they'd build the cars in the factory
then wheel them out into the car park
and a man screwed them on with a power drill.
Genuinely. And I love that about it!
-In the car park? -In the car park, finished it off. I love that!
Why don't we tell the viewers how the indicator stalk on your supercar...
(LAUGHING) ...comes from a Morris Marina?
Well, why don't we talk about the fact
that the electric door mirror adjustors on yours
are out of an Austin Montego?
-I was hoping you didn't know that. -I did.
Ahem. Rod Stewart had a Testarossa.
Rod Stewart had a Countach.
Oh, yeah.
JAMES: Unable to agree on anything,
we decided to take a more intellectual approach...
...by having a drag race.
Now, on paper, the Lamborghini is faster, definitely.
But as we've already observed,
Lamborghini were a bit fast and loose with their performance figures
back in the day.
So now, finally, we can find out for real.
However, as we sat on the start line,
something occurred to us.
These are privately owned cars, aren't they?
RICHARD: Correct, yeah.
Well, the thing is,
Testarossas don't really like standing starts,
cos they tend to blow their own differentials up.
How much is a new differential?
It's £26,000.
Actually, I'm quite glad you've mentioned that.
Because these don't like standing starts either.
It's those huge rear tyres.
You get a fried clutch and a split gearbox casing.
JAMES: How much does that cost?
-£36,000. -Ooh!
So, in all, that's £62,000 at risk.
I know. I fancy something we don't normally do -
a rolling start drag race.
Yes, I do too! I've always wanted to try a rolling start drag race.
And for some reason, today in these cars, I prefer that option.
(ENGINES REVVING)
So, when the light went green,
we gently pull away together.
And then, at the white line, floor it.
(ENGINES REVVING)
Rolling start.
Across the line and bin it!
And they're off.
(ENGINE ACCELERATES)
He's getting away.
What an astonishing feeling!
Aww! An angry Countach!
140...
Agh!
-(CHUCKLES) JAMES: There you go.
The bull has kicked the horse's arse.
Even through that ridiculously small window,
you look smug.
Oh, I am, mate, because I won.
And it matters.
It does matter, that's the annoying thing.
It really matters.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
RICHARD: Legendary cars. They are legends.
-Fabulous. -It was a privilege, wasn't it?
-Special. -Yeah.
A couple of things I think you forgot to mention in that film.
The Countach.
The steering feels like it's set in concrete,
so does the gear lever, so do the pedals.
And if you use the air conditioning,
it's like you're being breathed on by a hot dog.
(LAUGHTER)
He is right about that.
And you can't talk either, cos your roly-poly barge Testarossa
was, as you said, driven by a man from Miami Vice
who rolled his jacket sleeves up.
The Duke of Edinburgh doesn't do that, does he?
-Earl Haig doesn't do that. -Hang on a minute!
-What? -By attacking those cars,
you are destroying the very foundations
of everything we love and hold precious.
Mm-hm. And now it's time to destroy them a little bit more
by seeing how slowly those cars go round The Eboladrome.
(ENGINE REVS)
And it's off in a clutch-slipping, smoky start.
Ooh, it's wet.
And look at that lunging and pitching there.
As she heads on to the Isn't.
Having a look at the gear lever, make sure it hasn't fallen off.
Sleeves very sensibly rolled down.
Look at the body roll on it. Here we go.
Oh, she's fighting the wheel there.
More lean, as she lunges down to Your Name Here.
It really is dodge, duck, dip, dive.
It's like watching Dodgeball, only slower.
And less amusing.
Another glance down at the gear lever.
And now ringing out that flat 12.
Powerboating back towards Old Lady's House
in a wake of spray.
I can't imagine she's enjoying this.
Right, hard on the brakes.
Taking a wisely cautious line in there.
Has it stopped? No, still moving, just.
And now, yeah, lumbering towards Substation.
In fairness, it does sound quite good.
(ENGINE ROARS)
Very good, actually.
Wallowing through there like a Rolls-Royce Corniche.
Just Field of Sheep to go.
Yes, she's sliding it!
And across the line.
-She's nuts. -That was absolutely nuts.
Sliding a Testarossa - I wouldn't do that for all the tea in China.
Technical point that might confuse the viewers.
You just said, "The roar from the flat 12,"
which is sort of right but I said, "V12,"
which is also sort of right, cos it's not a boxer.
So it's a 180-degree flat V12.
-Like that. -Literally not interested.
-It's a flat-- -(LAUGHTER)
It's a flattish V12.
Anyway, it's now time to see how the Lambo got on.
(ENGINE REVVING)
And it's a snappier start for the Countach,
mashing its fat rear tyres into that sodden Tarmac.
It really is sodden.
A quick look down to make sure it's in gear there.
Now easing off through the second curve on the straight.
And back on the power towards Your Name here.
No need for Abbie to go to the gym this week.
She's getting all the workout she needs in the Lambo.
Turning in hard as she dare.
Rear wing doing absolutely nothing as usual.
Ooh, I thought it was gonna take off there!
And now the joyless wrestle back towards Old Lady's House.
Through the rain.
A rush of the brakes, I felt, at the mid-point there.
Now, much harder braking and down through the gears.
It sounded like an angry tractor at low revs.
And now in the damp dash towards Substation.
(ENGINE REVVING)
That makes an even better noise
than the Ferrari, really.
Brilliant. Just two corners left.
Will she get this one sliding in Field of Sheep?
Bit of a wiggle there but through the Field of Sheep?
No, and there we are, across the line!
-Brave. -Brave.
Right.
Let's see where they go on the board, Lamborghini first.
RICHARD: Hang on, that's the bottom of the board.
JEREMY: They're not going to the top, are they?
See, look at that. 30th place.
It's faster than a Ford Fiesta.
I mean, come on. That's pretty good.
JEREMY: That is tragically slow!
-It was a long time ago! -(JAMES LAUGHS)
It doesn't look good, does it?
Honda Civic, Ford Focus - they're all quicker.
All right, one good thing is,
the Testarossa can't be much slower than that. Let's find out.
-(LAUGHTER) RICHARD: My God!
Oh, God!
It is faster than the Up!
And they're both in the wet so that's a fair comparison.
Loser, I believe.
JEREMY: Look, I think we have to face facts here.
They're two very slow cars.
But at least they are expensive
and horrible to drive.
Anyway, now it's time to bite into a cake of debate,
from the café of chat...
...on the corner of Conversation Street.
(MELLOW JAZZ)
(LAUGHTER)
I think after 36 of those we are running out of ideas.
It was getting desperate.
Now, any young people here,
looking forward to driving maybe one day?
Thinking the future holds a Ferrari for you, Lamborghini.
Afraid not. There's a company in Aberdeen
who've decided that the future actually will look like this.
RICHARD: Oh, God. -(LAUGHTER)
JAMES: Bloody hell. RICHARD: Really?
JAMES: Electric?
JEREMY: Of course they're electric, obviously.
Range of 35 miles. They're stackable cars.
Wait, so they work like the human centipede, then?
(LAUGHTER)
Not exactly like that, no.
No. No...
No.
What I mean is, they're all connected together.
Yeah, they're connected, exactly. They're connected.
Hang on, what if you're in the one in the middle, right?
And you want to go a different way to the one in the front.
What are you gonna do?
It's worse than that. If you're in the middle
and go a different way, you won't have any wheels.
They'll be left attached to the ones in the front and back.
RICHARD: There's not enough wheels.
I grant you, it looks ridiculous that the front and back separate.
"We've got no bloody wheels!"
Actually, it's an optical illusion, the back wheels are inboard.
So you do have wheels.
But what if you were in the back one
and it was being driven by Richard Hammond from the front?
-You'd be bloody terrified. -Oh, all right!
Yes, that is a point.
But I don't think you quite understand how this works.
I'll need to check it out.
It's quite complicated so bear with me.
You see, the idea is these cars are sort of everywhere for people to use.
And then at night, a man goes round in the green one, the one in front,
and he collects all the others up behind him.
He's a bit like those men you see at airports, with all the trolleys,
and he ends up with that two-mile snake that bashes into your ankles.
-It's like that. -So it gathers them all up?
So, hang on a minute. You drive home in the evening, say.
-Mm-hm. -In your car.
You get up next morning but it's gone because a bloke's collected it?
-(LAUGHTER) -Yeah.
That doesn't work because most journeys by car are two-way.
You get there, then you need to get back.
Unless you're driving to Dignitas.
No, they'd work for that.
Maybe it's a Dignitas collection service.
The thing is, I'm going to try and work out how it...
It's quite complicated. They have actually...
There is a flow chart that explains how it works. Put that up.
-Here we are. RICHARD: Oh, I see!
You're stabbed in the back with a giant fork, and briefcase,
then you bump into one-and-two-thirds cars,
that turn into half a car, that crash into a picture of a train...
This makes no sense at all!
No, hang on a minute. You've got that wrong, haven't you?
You get into two cars but only drive off in three-quarters of one.
And you go to the station, because presumably you're going somewhere,
but whilst you're going somewhere, somebody takes it and puts it back.
You get back to the station you haven't got a bloody car!
That doesn't work!
No, what they're saying is,
the future is going to be very inconvenient.
Yeah, it sounds that way.
That's basically what they're actually saying.
I've got a blindingly good idea, I'd like to run this by you...
-Sure. -...in a committee fashion.
What if... we had a car of our own.
You could buy it or lease it, but it was, like, your car.
And then... No, it's crazy, I know.
Then there'd be a pretty good chance
it would be wherever it was when you last left it...
-when you came back to it. -So all these people -
you've left cars in the car park here, have you?
-So they'd still be there... -That's exactly it!
They won't have been collected up by a random stranger.
Imagine this - you go out and your car's still there. Brilliant.
Let me run with that, if I may.
What if you could run these cars on a kind of magic juice?
(LAUGHTER)
Takes two or three minutes to replenish them,
you go hundreds of miles.
-What magic juice? -Well, you could get it from underground.
-What's it made of? -Squashed prawns?
(LAUGHTER)
It's all sounding a bit improbable, mate.
Well, let's take on the company from Aberdeen
and see who gets it more right.
Can I talk about Robert Kubica?
Polish Formula One driver, there's a picture of him now.
A few years ago, eight years ago actually,
he had a terrible accident while doing a spot of rallying for fun.
That was the car. You see the crash barrier went into the car.
Broke every single bone on the right side of his body,
everything from his heel to his shoulder.
Had a seven-hour operation to put his arm back on again,
and then 17 more operations after that.
And his arm still doesn't work properly,
but this weekend he is back in a Formula One car.
And I'd just like say, that's bloody brilliant.
What a man!
RICHARD: Determination.
Like um...
Mark Webber, OK, the Aussie F1 guy,
former F1 guy,
he welcomed him back to Formula One by tweeting:
(IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) "Poland's man is coming back,
what a warrior and tenacious prick he is."
Now, to be fair, to be fair for an Australian,
that is getting quite soppy and sentimental.
"Ah, yeah, he's a prick."
Oh, now. As I'm sure you know,
there's a lot of work going on at the moment
with sort of electric cars, driverless cars
-and the future of transportation and so on. -Yes, we have noticed.
Exactly. All I want is something that stops things
falling down the side of the seat when you're driving along.
I want the car I've got now,
but just something that stops that happening.
-That's it? -That is the sum total of your ambition?
Yes, it is--
At this period of fundamental change in the whole concept
of car ownership, car usage, car functionality...
Mm-hm, that's all I want, something that...
Cos they say it's dangerous to tweet when you're driving.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
Driving along like that,
and "Oh, no, I've dropped my phone down there."
You've got the seat lifted, your head's squashed,
you're desperately shoving your hand down there,
shoving it in, all the skin's been peeled back at the side.
"I'll get it, I'll get it."
-"Like a... Like a determined vet. -Exactly!
Exactly!
-(LAUGHTER) -Not exactly.
-Sort of, like... -"Come on, mole, give birth!"
(GRUNTS) "It's burst!"
Why can't we just have a little bit of a f...
I mean, I'm doing it on this side because we're all British, but whatever side.
A little flap of material that stops things going down. I mean, how hard can that be?
I know what you mean, it is an issue.
I once looked under the driver seat of my 911, and you'll remember this,
I found eight pairs of sunglasses I'd lost and replaced.
-He did. -Just all under there.
There's house keys, ingots, relatives.
There's also... And eventually you do drop something.
You know what it's like when you drop something and you think,
"I really do need to get that back," so you have to stop.
And then you can't get it from here or from here.
So then you have to go round the back,
and you can never quite get in properly,
so you've got your hand under it like this.
And there's always... There's always what feels like
a bit of furry mucus.
No, there is! There is, there is! You've seen it!
-That is always there. -Like a hairy tumour.
And it's squidgy, and you go...
There always, always is one of those,
and it's always, always on top of whatever it was you lost.
Do you know, the Holy Grail will probably turn up
-under somebody's driving seat. -It will.
I tell you what, if you went underneath everybody's seat,
if you all tonight when you go back to the car,
have a look under your car seats,
you will find enough loose change to pay for Brexit.
(LAUGHTER)
It could do it, it could tip it.
We could pretty much pay the whole lot. Who's with me?
AUDIENCE: Yes.
There you go, you see, people applauded...
Well, three people applauded my idea.
(LAUGHTER)
-James? -What?
-Interesting news. RICHARD: Oh, God!
What do you mean, "Oh, God"?
Well, whenever one of you two says, "Interesting news"
it turns out to be about the war.
-No, this... isn't about the war. -(LAUGHTER)
This is interesting news about the speed of different birds.
-Oh, that's even worse! -Oh, I love this.
We've talked about this before?
They've been going on about this ever since he claimed
to have clocked a pigeon doing 25 miles an hour.
I did. I was driving alongside, there was a pigeon that was doing 25.
Anyway, a Swiss speed camera has clocked a duck...
It's clocked a duck, it's actually triggered the camera.
Got a picture here, look, proving it.
JAMES: Look at that! -And it took a picture of a duck.
JAMES: How fast was it going? JEREMY: 32 miles an hour.
JAMES: There you go. That's quite incredible.
Cos if I was asked, I'd say a duck would do 20 or 21--
It's not quite incredible, neither is it remotely interesting!
It is interesting! It's a piece of knowledge, Hammond!
How can the world be a poorer place for having a bit more knowledge in it?
-Exactly. -Because that knowledge
is peculiar and strange, and doesn't matter a bugger to anybody.
You're not gonna be mocking when you're Buttons in the panto in Swindon
and Jeremy and I are waving at each other from our super yachts
because of the global success of our television series
James And Jeremy's The Speed Of Birds.
-It's gonna be absolutely massive. -Who'd watch that?
Come on, who'd watch The Speed Of Birds?
Who wants to see him as Buttons at the Swindon Wyvern?
-Me. -(CHEERING)
No! Never!
-I think that marks the end of Conversation Street. JEREMY: Yes.
I think it does. I think I'll move it on,
because all of us agree that we do love a hot hatchback.
Yeah, we love that they're practical, cheap to run, cheap to repair,
but they still go like demented baboons.
Yeah, and now there's a new breed of small hot hatchback.
And to find which one is best, we took The Grand Tour
to that field just over there.
Yes, the start point for our test
was our own track in Oxfordshire.
And this is what we'd assembled.
I've brought the new Volkswagen Polo GTI,
which has 197 horsepower.
Richard Hammond has brought the new Ford Fiesta ST,
which also has 197 horsepower.
James May has brought the new Toyota Yaris,
which has a ridiculous name,
the "Grmn".
Grmm-nn...
Grmn. How do you say that? Grmm-nn...
Grumuna.
It isn't Grumuna, there's no "a" at the end.
It says "Grmn".
-It is a funny name. -What does it mean, Grmn?
Gazoo Racing Meisters of the Nurburgring.
-Oh! Your favourite place! -That's where it was developed.
JEREMY: And what is Gazoo Racing?
JAMES: Gazoo Racing is Toyota's racing division.
This has been done by a small group of people
dedicating themselves over two years
to making this the perfect hot hatch.
Stiffened body shell, shorter springs, SACHS dampers.
It's got a supercharger, it's got special forged wheels,
it's got special tyres, it's got stiffened anti-roll bars.
It's even got a different steering rack from the standard Yaris.
That's proper hot-hatch technology.
My car is just over £21,000, yours is what?
RICHARD: Just shy of £20,000. JEREMY: Just under £20,000.
Over £26,000.
And worth every penny,
because it's properly developed as a hot hatchback.
RICHARD: It's not a pretty car.
JAMES: I think it is. JEREMY: It's put make-up on one eye.
Slightly mad make-up on one eye, it's like Kiss.
It's like watching my daughters get ready in the morning.
"Am I done?" "Yeah, you're done."
Yours is a brown car.
-It's not brown! -That is brown.
-Oh, yeah, it is. -It isn't, it's mushroom.
The cameramen know about colour. Is it brown?
-It's brown. CAMERAMAN: It's definitely brown.
It's mushroom!
JEREMY: At this point, we decided that instead of arguing
about which car was best, we should do some actual tests,
starting with a pursuit race.
Each of us was spaced at equal distances around the track
and the rules were simple.
When you're overtaken by the car behind...
...James is out.
Can I just ask, why am I starting on the gravel,
on a bend, when you two are on Tarmac?
-Have you got launch control? -No.
Well, that's your look-out, then, isn't it? I have.
-(CHUCKLES) -All right, what-evs. Let's go.
Launch control active! I'm ready.
(ENGINE REVVING)
RADIO: Three, two, one, go!
Ooh, and we are away!
Aw.
It's a lively little thing, this.
Let's not forget, shall we, that Volkswagen
invented the hot hatchback and they're still the best at it.
Take an ordinary hatchback, stiffen the suspension,
stiffen the body, give it a big engine.
The end.
Kazoo!
It's nice, it feels taut. What happens here?
Where does it go?
(TYRES SCREECH)
This is cracking. I love these.
Those little crackles and bangs from the exhaust,
it's got valves in it...
...to make it sound good.
Come on, come on, come on, come on. And into the gravel cell.
It's actually quite funny the way the tail will slide round
and then you can feel the brakes grabbing
to stop it actually spinning.
That way, you can have lots of fun
without there being blood or an ambulance.
No, got it wrong, and I've got Jezza behind me.
The "Grunumunum" is right in my sights now.
Come on, come on, come on. This is exciting times now.
Duh! Incorrect.
Ah, that was, I overdid it.
Hard to see where I'm going now due to the dust cloud
from the "Grunumunummmnnmm".
-Whoa! -Oh, no, Hammond's catching Clarkson as well.
This is getting very interesting.
Right, time to reel Jeremy in.
Come on, come on, come on, this is...
Too wide.
You're out! Ha ha!
With the roadblock out of the way,
it became a two-horse war of attrition.
Come on, Clarkson, you're mine.
Grip. Grip, grip, grip.
(CACKLES)
Hot hatchbacks are such a riot!
They really are.
If someone were to say to me now, "Do you want to get out
and swap into a 911 Turbo or a 488?"
I'd say, "No, I honestly do not want to do that."
(CACKLES)
Oh, bit of lift-off oversteer.
That's what you want in a hot hatch.
Several laps later,
both of us were still the same distance apart.
It's just occurred to me we both have the same knowledge of this track,
we both have 197 horsepower.
This race may take a while.
JEREMY: However... -Brakes are fading, I can feel them fading a bit.
They do get hot.
JEREMY: Mine meanwhile had got smoky hot.
So, much to the annoyance of our colleague...
...we decided to call it a draw.
Can I just say, if this was a proper race rather than a catchy-up race,
I'd be in the lead because I treated my car properly and didn't overheat the brakes.
-Have you heard this? -I did hear that.
You don't pause in a race!
-So if you drive slowly, you win? -Yes.
Because my brakes aren't overheating, I could still be--
-You never went more than 28mph! -Rubbish!
When did you watch a motor race on the television, on Grandstand or--
Rather than listen to any more of May's bizarre theories on motor sport...
...we decide to move on to the next challenge.
A drag race.
Let me talk you through the engine. It's a two-litre turbo.
What more do you want?
Right, launch control. I'm ready.
I'm also ready.
James, on the other hand,
has some explaining to do about his "Grunumm..."
This engine's actually pretty interesting.
First and foremost, it's been breathed upon by Lotus.
They actually use a similar spec engine in the Elise.
But perhaps more interestingly, it's supercharged,
which is unusual in a hot hatchback.
Why bother with a supercharger? It's heavier than a turbocharger...
So the headline figures are:
I have the most power, 209 horsepower.
I have the lowest weight, 1,135 kilograms.
And that's over 200 kilograms lighter than Clarkson's VW.
JEREMY: Eventually James finished talking and we were ready to go.
I probably won't win this.
My problem is I've got the heaviest car
and I'm the heaviest driver.
(BLEEPING)
And we are away.
Where's that bloody Polo going?
Yes!
Oh, what?
A victory for the fat boy!
That can only mean that VW have got their figures wrong.
Again.
JEREMY: This surprising result called for a bit of a debrief.
The mushroom-coloured Polo--
-Brown! -The brown VW has won.
Actually, I've got to be honest.
I am quite surprised by its astonishing victory.
It is really annoying. And there's nothing you can do.
-Cos it's heavy. -And it's only as powerful as this.
The DSG gearbox makes a huge difference.
Yeah, the double clutch.
Every time you two have to change gear, you lose 20 yards.
There's no way you can keep up with an old-fashioned box.
-No, it's one gear, then another-- -(MESSAGE ALERT)
Oh, hang on.
Text from Mr Wilman.
-"You idiots." -Nice. -Not very kind.
"Stop banging on about double-clutch gearboxes and lift-off oversteer.
These cars are supposed to appeal to young people
and they have no idea what those things are.
The winner of this test will be the car that appeals most to millennials,
not old men like you."
So what test do we do that young people would be interested?
No, wait, I've had an idea.
JAMES: What exactly is a millennial?
JEREMY: Once we'd explained this to James, we left the test track,
and began our new youth-friendly road test.
What I've done is I've fitted some youth-friendly political stickers on the doors.
And then on the windscreen, a transgender, fluid, neutral sunscreen.
The other Jeremy, of course, is the great Jeremy Corbyn,
leader of the Labour Party,
a man with the same initials as the Baby Jesus,
one of the prophets of Islam.
Richard, meanwhile, had for some reason
put the shipping forecast on the doors of the Fiesta.
Why have you got "Stormy" on the side of your car?
Cos that's the name of the rapper that young people adore.
No, that's Stormzy.
Stormy's that sexual intercourse enthusiast in America.
Popular with young people?
JAMES: Meanwhile, I'd headed for an organic farm shop
to test out my young-people modification.
What I've fitted to my car - it's powered by the same USB port
that you'd normally use to recharge your vape bong -
is the most important thing in a millennial's life.
And that is, of course, a juicer. Ta-da!
Now, using this, I can make a whole range of tasty and nutritious juices
using a variety of ethically-sound ingredients.
And that means I won't be beholden
to evil American corporations that murder baby veals
and snap the beaks off chickens.
RICHARD: Back on the road, Jeremy and I were busy competing
to win the hearts and minds of the snowflakes.
Because you're young, you'll care very much about the environment.
So you'll be very glad to know that unlike the Polo and the Toyota,
this doesn't have four cylinders - the Fiesta only has three.
In fact, when it's cruising,
it can deactivate one of them and go down to two.
That's a world first on a three-cylinder car.
And what it means is, it's nicer to polar bears.
The seats in here are made from cloth,
so no cow was harmed in the making of the interior.
Apart from a small veal who was used to make the steering wheel.
But that's it.
(WHIRRING)
Right, this one is kale, apple,
line-caught avocado and ethical water...
plus my reading glasses which fell in there earlier on.
But it doesn't matter, they've got plastic lenses so they're perfectly safe.
Mm!
Someone's gonna want that.
JEREMY: In order to see if we were on the right track,
Richard and I had headed into the wonderful,
anti-car city of Oxford.
Many, many cyclists here.
Look at the way young people are approving of my car
and my stickers.
Dab on it, wagwam!
I speak the language of the millennial.
Hammond and May won't be able to do that, cos they're in a Ford and a Toyota.
They're bad whips.
You'll see there's a bus lane here.
And the Fiesta is showing no sign at all
of complaining that half the road is completely empty and unused.
This car has no problem with that.
JEREMY: There's a couple of hikers, Hammond, on my left.
I'm not judging them, cos judging people is wrong.
Oh, cyclist.
-(MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVS) -Maniac!
Having drunk his spectacles, James was now on the move.
My latest juice has a bit of an Asian flavour.
Because it's made with okra, some ground-up dry ginger,
a touch of garlic, a pinch of garam masala...
and a pork pie.
This car was, of course, developed at the Nurburgring,
which might sound not very millennial.
But on the other hand, it is the world's greenest circuit.
It is completely...
-(SPLASHING) -Oh, Jesus!
(BRAKES SQUEALING)
God! Agh!
Agh...
Agh.
(SPITS)
Back to the tent.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
JEREMY: I've gotta be honest...
Apart from you drinking plastic, which is evil,
I thought that was all going rather well, the test appealing to young people.
Yeah, we talked about carbon dioxide and polar bears
and expressed our support for the Labour Party.
Yeah, apart from the bit where the juicer blew up in my face, obviously,
it was all going rather excellently, we thought.
It was, yeah.
Unfortunately, Mr Wilman said we hadn't got the idea at all.
-No. -And that to really appeal to millennials,
we had to somehow get our cars in The Mail Online.
Now this was a bit of a problem for James,
-who claims he's never read The Mail Online. -I haven't.
You're not really The Mail's target audience, James.
What do you mean by that?
You're not a mealy-mouthed bitter person...
...who believes that everyone who is luckier, better-looking,
richer and more talented than you are should be torn to shreds and executed.
(LAUGHTER)
Right, well, whatever, the rules were simple.
We had to drive into London and then do something with our cars
that would get the paparazzi to take a picture of them.
And then the winner would be the person who got the most amount of those pictures
actually published.
RICHARD: I decided that what I'd do was take my wife
out for dinner at the glittering Bluebird restaurant
on the famous King's Road.
It's a popular haunt for the paps, this.
And I felt sure we'd be snapped getting out of the little Ford.
OK, right, so remember to smile.
And look like you really like me.
-OK. -Like, a lot.
Right.
Hold my hand, there.
And then we'll just stand around for a bit.
-Looking forward to dinner with my wife Mindy. -That'll be nice.
Jeremy, meanwhile, had decided that to get himself noticed,
he'd have a puncture, and then get a celebrity
like Binky Felstead to help him mend it.
-You grab the spare wheel. -Really?
You have to twiddle it so the car goes up.
-Really high in the sky. -For God's sake!
Oh.
Come on, put your back into it.
I'm exhausted. (GRUNTS)
JEREMY: James, meanwhile, was driving a car
that's never been papped
through a part of London that's never been papped,
with his dinner date, historian Mary Beard...
who hasn't been papped either.
I'm absolutely delighted.
This has made my month, this.
Well... Well, thank you, that's very generous.
James then tried to think of some interesting small talk.
This has this handy piece of red in the steering wheel,
so you know when you're going in a straight line, you see.
(TUTS) They've thought of everything.
JEREMY: Meanwhile, back in Chelsea...
There's no paps. There's nobody here.
-No. -There's no photographers.
It's ridiculous.
I'm always being photographed here.
Look, here I am.
And here I am.
And here... Oh, she's just...
She's just a friend from work.
We should try having an argument.
-I don't want to have an argument. -Well, I do, and you don't.
So we're already having an argument. This is good.
-I don't want an argument. -Just look a bit animated.
JEREMY: Having parked his car,
James was now in his favourite Indian restaurant,
having a lesson in classical history.
The idea of the bloke is that he is penetrating.
To be a man is to be the penetrator.
Every orifice he likes, sex wherever.
I've got to say, this is not what I was expecting.
I was thinking you'd give me some information about the shape of arches.
Oh, well, we can go on to that.
(SHE GRUNTS)
So you've got to get that lined up.
And then put the new ones in.
What are you doing? You're not--
-I'm sorry, it's really greasy. -I know!
This may have been just a puncture but it was proving to be big news.
(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)
And that is how you change a wheel.
If you ever have a puncture on a motorway,
you're going to be so grateful for this moment.
Lesson learned, Jeremy.
With dinner over,
the two most unpappable people in history
were waiting to be papped.
If we just stand here looking a bit sort of...
-Embarrassed? -Well...
Expectant?
Somebody will come and take a picture of us.
I've just had a thought. I don't want you to take this the wrong way,
but actually the idea of this was to get the car in the paper.
I should have parked it outside.
(BELCHES) Excuse me.
Wait a minute, there is... There's one.
Don't point, don't look, but there's one over there. There he is.
Pap, there.
JEREMY: However, before any pictures were taken,
May and I hatched a plan we'd been working on for years.
Go.
Oh, you bastards!
That was my...
Get in.
(APPLAUSE)
James, did...
Did you burp in front of Mary Beard?
I did. I'm sorry, it just fell out. I apologise.
I know a lot of people will be thinking we engineered that.
We really genuinely didn't.
All you have to do to get papped when you're in our line of work
is go into London, do something mildly out of the ordinary
and then they swarm... not round you.
Or get clattered and fall out of a club with no trousers on.
-That's a good way of doing it. -Or catch pneumonia.
Yes.
I've had that a few times. Anyway, while we were waiting
to see which of our antics got into The Mail Online,
Mr Wilman came up with another youth-friendly idea.
Yep, he said each of us had to take a picture of our car
and then see which of us got the most likes of their snap on Instagram.
JAMES: Having split up,
we set to work on our respective plans.
£50 is very reasonable, yeah.
£50,000?
Oh, right.
Um... I'll ring you back in a bit.
Yeah, cheers.
My idea was to put me and the car in one of the pods of the famous London Eye
so we could have a picture right at the top with a fantastic view.
They want £50,000! I thought he meant 50 quid.
Let's think of something else.
RICHARD: I had done just that.
For my Instagram picture, I'm not messing about.
I've recruited a top photographer and I'm very excited, cos he's brilliant.
Look at that.
His name is David Yarrow.
He's one of the world's greatest wildlife photographers.
And his plan was to recreate this shot,
using my car instead of the tiger.
So I'm coming in...
The most important thing is to have energy.
It's got to be dynamic.
And that means we need water flying up between me and the car.
I want to be as close safety-wise as you'll allow me to be.
Yeah, yeah. I've got your number.
-OK. -(LAUGHS)
JAMES: Back in London,
I'd come up with a brilliant idea.
Morning.
Hiya. Put some clothes on.
RICHARD: Eventually, my shot was in the can.
Ach!
As was May's.
And so, after no work at all,
was Jeremy's.
Could... Could you have made any less effort with that challenge?
No, you're right.
I should have put a puppy in it, cos Instagram loves a dog.
Anyone on Instagram, it's all just dogs, basically.
Anyway, with our pictures posted on Instagram,
we were all given another challenge,
to see who could get the most views of their car on YouTube.
Yeah, now, this is a tricky one.
Because over 300 hours of footage are uploaded to YouTube every minute.
You wouldn't think that many cats
fell into waste disposal units.
No, I know, you wouldn't.
Seems they do. So we had to think of something special.
How could we make our cars shine in this crowded firmament?
Push them into a waste disposal unit?
I think that's got to be it.
Or what I did to get my Ford noticed,
I decided to stage a big stunt.
In order to make my first stunt video,
I went to a very long runway.
And once my star performer had warmed up...
...we were ready to roll.
Today history is being made.
Good luck.
Oh.
I can't watch.
Yes! (LAUGHS)
We are gonna break the internet with that!
Meanwhile, James had gone for a rather different approach.
If you go on YouTube, which I do quite a lot,
you will notice that something that's very popular with so-called millennials
is the unboxing video.
It's usually something like an idle student with nothing better to do
simply taking something they've bought out of the box
and talking about it.
Hey, what's going on? The delivery guy's just left.
Got it here and I haven't even taken it out of the box yet. I got--
This bloke is unboxing a new television set he's bought.
You guys ready?
Whoa!
Look how many hits it's got.
The stand is not mounted on it,
you have to put that on later.
Hi, guys, it's May!
Welcome, brothers and sisters to my latest unboxing video.
And this is a big one. It's a car.
-(ADHESIVE TAPE RIPPING) -Ohh!
Oh, yes.
Look how clean that is.
Meanwhile, Jeremy had decided
to create a Fast Show -style character
called David Soufflé.
(FRENCH-STYLE ACCORDION MUSIC)
(SIRENS BLARE IN DISTANCE)
(ACCORDION PLAYS)
RICHARD: Back at the airfield,
my next stunt was ready.
Right, now, down there is a man.
I don't know his name but it doesn't matter,
because in a moment I'm gonna run him over.
(ENGINE REVVING)
And here we go.
Yes! Didn't kill a man!
Ooh, I like that a lot.
(CHUCKLES)
(ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS)
(CLATTERING)
"At Toyota, we want to do all we can
to ensure that things go smoothly when you are driving your vehicle.
Whether you are in your own country or travelling abroad,
you are welcome to contact us if you think..."
(ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS)
RICHARD: Meanwhile, I was ready for my final stunt -
using my car to get a man in a boat across a lake.
I've no idea what's gonna happen here in terms of limb breakages.
So I'm using an office junior to do it.
He's cheap, obedient and expendable -
the key ingredients for stuff like this.
So let's make him a YouTube star.
OK, now using science and maths,
I have calculated that 30 miles an hour
is the correct speed to do this.
Here we go. Launching!
Come on, little fella.
Whoo!
Glorious! Well done!
You can have Christmas Day off!
(APPLAUSE)
That was an impressive stunt.
Pretty cool, yeah. I was pleased with that.
How's his therapy working out?
He's getting over it.
OK, what we've got here is the scoreboard
that will help us determine which is the best of the small hot hatches.
We've already filled in the scores for price, the pursuit race and the drag race.
Now we've got the paparazzi thing.
Hammond, how did you get on?
You two put the "pap in a bag", didn't you?
We did, but actually we should sell those bags to celebrities.
We should, cos they're rather clever.
You pull a drawstring, and not only can't you take any pictures,
you can't get out of the car.
-It's also technically false imprisonment. -Yes.
-And therefore illegal. -So's trapping a wasp in a jam jar.
Nobody complains about that, do they?
Well, anyway, it didn't work.
Obviously there must have been another pap we didn't spot,
because this picture appeared.
Ha-ha! A-ha-ha-ha!
JAMES: No, no, no, no, no. Wait a minute.
The rule said it had to have the car in it.
And I don't see the car in that picture.
It also said Mail Online.
I'm guessing - there's some evidence to suggest that is The Sun.
(LAUGHTER)
RICHARD: I hoped you wouldn't spot that. -We did.
I didn't do very well.
I think that gives you a zero, Hammond.
So you get a zero.
Now, James May, how did you get on,
taking the older woman out for a curry in Hammersmith
and then parking your car in an underground car park?
-Not that well, actually. RICHARD: How not that well?
-Nought, not that well. -Not a single thing?
-My plan was rather successful. -Was it?
49 pictures appeared, of my car and me and Binky in The Mail Online.
-49? -49 pictures.
Hang on a minute. 49 pictures of a fat old bloke
and a young girl I've never heard of changing a wheel?
I know. And the extraordinary thing is,
I'd like to show you the 49 pictures
but I got in touch with The Mail Online yesterday, OK,
to say, "Can we have the pictures?"
Do you want to know how much they were gonna charge?
£122,000.
-What? -Really?
I kid you not. They take a picture of me, ruin my life,
and then for me to buy the picture back
is £122,000!
There are 49 pictures on here of you.
Don't show the cameras, otherwise there'll be a bill for 120 grand.
-But the good thing is... -Exactly. Because of that, you score 49.
Yes, I'm afraid he does. There's no getting around that.
Yes, I do. Which moves us on to Instagram.
James May, how did you do with your picture on the bus?
I scored nought.
-Nought? -Yeah.
-How did you get nought? -Well, it's quite interesting.
I didn't have an Instagram account so I set one up.
-There's a surprise. -No, but I set one up.
And then as I was setting it up, I realised
there was someone else on Instagram pretending to be me.
So I filled in that reporting thing that pulls down and I sent it off.
All credit to Instagram, they reacted very quickly - by that afternoon, in fact.
And they shut me down.
-(LAUGHTER) -You?
Yeah, they didn't shut down the fake James May.
They shut the real one down.
-They killed the wrong James May? -Yeah.
That's quite interesting. What's interesting me, though,
is that there's a man somewhere out in the world, or woman,
who's thought, "I could pretend to be anyone I like.
I shall pretend to be James May."
-I know. RICHARD: Not very ambitious!
Why wouldn't you be George Clooney?
Anyway, the net result of that, as they say in the army,
is that I have...nought.
-You're doing very well! -I've got one, yeah.
So, Hammond, how did you get on?
Well, my picture was brilliant. Look at it.
Look at that!
JEREMY: No, apart from the slogan with the sexual intercourse enthusiast,
that is an amazing photograph, granted.
So how many people have viewed it and liked it on Instagram?
Nine.
(LAUGHTER)
-They blocked you as well? -Nine. No.
I don't really do Instagram, so I don't have many followers.
So only nine people have seen it.
Oh, dear, cos I got 54,000.
Oh, for God's sake!
Yes, but you do do Instagram!
-Yes, I do. -So you got lots of followers.
Put in 54,000.
Let's look at this in a more positive light, Hammond.
-He has got 1.6 million Instagram followers. -Yes.
So 1.46 million people actively didn't like his picture.
-That's another way of looking at it. -Loser!
It wasn't my best work, I admit. It was a hurried shot.
-What was it? -54,000.
RICHARD: That does change the score line a bit.
It changes the score line a lot, cos I'm now on 54,053.
-Right, OK. -And you're on one.
Anyway, I also... It gets worse, I'm afraid, for you two.
Because YouTube. I didn't add them all up,
but my first David Soufflé video on YouTube...
-266,000 views. RICHARD: Oh, God.
More than a quarter of a million people.
You are ahead now.
Yes, I'm...comfortably in the lead, I would say.
So, come on, Hammond?
16,800.
What, for all that effort?
I know! I don't get it either.
Because I gave it a really cool, tempting caption.
It said...
(HE READS)
Who doesn't want to look at that?
You actually put that as the caption?
That's what it said, it's clickbait.
Then the YouTube millennials thought,
"No, I'd rather watch a cat going..."?
-They must have done. -That's ridiculous.
I'm sorry, that is pathetic.
Young people, you're pathetic.
Right, so, there we are, those are the scores.
-You're out. -Yes.
And, James, I'm looking and I'm thinking,
just doing quick adding up...
Unless you manage to find
325,000 people
who are prepared to spend 16 minutes...
Cos that's how long that unboxing video was.
...16 minutes watching you taking a small Toyota hatchback
out of a cardboard box, I've won.
-Yes. -So?
(SIGHS) 330...
...thousand!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(WHOOPING)
For taking a car out of a box?
Oh, he's doing the dance.
How does he always manage to win?
I think on this occasion it was partly because
you tried to appeal to millennials by creating a Fast Show type character
when nobody under 40 has ever heard of The Fast Show.
Right. You might as well have done the comedy adventures of Neville Chamberlain in 1939.
That would have been better.
So because there are more people who'd rather watch
an old man take a small car out of a box,
than watch him endangering an office junior or me wearing a moustache,
we have to deduce that the best of the small hot hatchbacks
is comfortably the worst.
Yeah, that is our conclusion.
And on that terrible disappointment, it's time to end.
Thank you so much for watching, see you next time. Goodbye!