1 00:00:05,560 --> 00:00:06,480 (ENGINE REVVING) 2 00:00:06,520 --> 00:00:08,440 (TRAIN WHISTLE BLASTS) 3 00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:55,720 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 4 00:00:59,040 --> 00:01:01,040 -(APPLAUSE INTENSIFIES) -Hello, everybody. 5 00:01:01,080 --> 00:01:03,080 Hel-lo! 6 00:01:03,120 --> 00:01:05,360 -How you doing? -Thank you. 7 00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:08,440 Thank you. 8 00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:11,800 -Thank you. -Welcome. 9 00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:14,840 JEREMY: Thank you so much. 10 00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:20,040 Thank you and coming up in this incredibly exciting show: 11 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,080 a young woman changes a wheel... 12 00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:24,720 (SHE GRUNTS) 13 00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:26,680 ...an older woman drinks some lager... 14 00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:31,280 ...and Richard looks at a book. 15 00:01:31,320 --> 00:01:33,200 Look at that. 16 00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:37,400 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 17 00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:40,360 However... 18 00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:43,560 However, we begin with a film from James May, 19 00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:45,120 who's in his 80s. 20 00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:46,520 -What? -(LAUGHTER) 21 00:01:46,560 --> 00:01:48,080 No, wait, sorry. 22 00:01:48,120 --> 00:01:50,920 We begin with a film from James May about the '80s. 23 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:52,240 Yes. Thank you. 24 00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:54,680 The '80s, a time of marvellous excess - 25 00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:56,720 you know, Gordon Gekko and big shoulder pads 26 00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:58,680 and of course incredible supercars - 27 00:01:58,720 --> 00:02:01,040 the greatest of which, without question, 28 00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:02,520 was this one. 29 00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:09,160 The Ferrari Testarossa... 30 00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:13,240 ...was excess on wheels... 31 00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:17,520 ...be it looks... 32 00:02:19,680 --> 00:02:21,160 ...attitude... 33 00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:24,440 ...or even size. 34 00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:31,160 (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) 35 00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:34,160 When this car came out, people were absolutely aghast 36 00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:37,000 at how wide this car was. 37 00:02:37,040 --> 00:02:38,800 I don't mean wide like Del Boy, 38 00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:41,720 I mean wide as in width. 39 00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:43,680 It was enormous! Especially at the back. 40 00:02:44,760 --> 00:02:46,680 And it simply oozed charisma 41 00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:49,400 from every one of its slatted panels. 42 00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:51,920 It was unquestionably... 43 00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:55,160 ...the only car that could star in Miami Vice. 44 00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:57,200 (MIAMI VICE THEME) 45 00:02:57,240 --> 00:03:01,320 In fact, Enzo Ferrari loved that show so much, 46 00:03:01,360 --> 00:03:04,600 he actually gave its star, Don Johnson, 47 00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:06,640 his own Testarossa. 48 00:03:06,680 --> 00:03:10,080 And Don was just the tip of the celebrity iceberg. 49 00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:16,560 Rod Stewart had one, Elton John had one, 50 00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:18,600 Mike Tyson had one, 51 00:03:18,640 --> 00:03:21,320 OJ Simpson had one. 52 00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:23,200 And presumably wore driving gloves. 53 00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:28,200 The price of this car, when it went on sale in 1985, 54 00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:32,840 was £62,666. 55 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:35,640 That is, as I'm sure you know, the number of the beast. 56 00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:38,800 And, when you unleashed its five-litre V12... 57 00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:40,200 (ENGINE REVVING) 58 00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:44,720 ...it would do 180 miles an hour. 59 00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:51,000 That was an astonishing figure for the time. 60 00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:57,760 It had the speed and the celebrity fan base. 61 00:03:57,800 --> 00:04:01,440 But the Testarossa was not what you'd call politically correct. 62 00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:05,720 Consider, for example, that the window switches 63 00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:09,200 are tiny little things hidden here on the centre console. 64 00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:10,840 Where you'd expect them to be, 65 00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:14,160 that...well, obviously, it's a huge ashtray. 66 00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:16,560 In fact, if they'd given that a mirrored lid, 67 00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:18,600 it could have had two uses. 68 00:04:21,760 --> 00:04:25,920 If the 1980s were the era of excess, then, 69 00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:28,560 well, this was the perfect car for the era. 70 00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:35,920 I'm afraid Mr May has just been wasting your time rather 71 00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:39,200 because that is not the ultimate '80s supercar. 72 00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:40,920 This is. 73 00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:45,560 For sheer over-the-topness, 74 00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:49,160 nothing comes close to the Lamborghini Countach. 75 00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:53,040 Alongside it, 76 00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:55,360 the Testarossa looks like a family hatchback. 77 00:04:56,920 --> 00:04:58,920 If you think the Ferrari is wide, 78 00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:02,920 this is even wider. 79 00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:06,240 And the Testarossa's doors don't open like this. 80 00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:09,000 (ENGINE REVVING) 81 00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:13,680 This version of the Countach, the LP5000, 82 00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:16,520 was launched in 1985, 83 00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:20,160 specifically to put the Testarossa back in its box. 84 00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:25,640 Its 48-valve, 5.2 litre-V12... 85 00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:30,200 ...can take the Countach to 186 miles an hour, 86 00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:34,400 or to be precise, more than the Ferrari. 87 00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:38,400 In fact, in its day, this was the fastest production car in the world. 88 00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:42,120 I've got a Kevlar bonnet, 89 00:05:42,160 --> 00:05:46,040 I've got rear tyres the size of road rollers. 90 00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:47,280 (TYRES SCREECH) 91 00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:49,560 We're talking ultimate supercar here. 92 00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:55,320 And this incredible machine... 93 00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:59,480 ...came from a company that didn't have half the resources of Ferrari. 94 00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:02,600 Let me give you an example. 95 00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:06,640 This car might look super aerodynamic, like a missile. 96 00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:09,560 But in fact, it never saw the inside of a wind tunnel. 97 00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:11,600 They couldn't afford to put it in one. 98 00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:15,600 So instead, they ran a prototype up and down the motorway, 99 00:06:15,640 --> 00:06:17,560 with bits of wool stuck all over it. 100 00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:20,200 I love that! 101 00:06:23,440 --> 00:06:25,560 Oh, hello. Here he comes. 102 00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:27,480 (TYRES SCREECHING) 103 00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:30,800 The also-ran. 104 00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:34,280 Mr Silver Medallist. 105 00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:38,160 (SNORTS) 106 00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:39,840 The trouble with that Lamborghini is, 107 00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:42,920 it's a bit "all mouth and no trousers." 108 00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:44,960 Fastest car in the world, my arse! 109 00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:51,680 Even Lamborghini will admit they ran slightly hooky cars 110 00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:53,600 when they did the performance testing. 111 00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:55,920 They took the mirrors off and stripped weight out of them. 112 00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:57,640 Absolute flim-flam. 113 00:06:57,680 --> 00:06:59,600 (TYRES SCREECH) 114 00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:05,400 The thing is, supercars, to me, 115 00:07:05,440 --> 00:07:07,840 are all about being the ultimate. 116 00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:10,880 It doesn't matter what that is, but it has to be an ultimate. 117 00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:16,320 And this is the ultimate bedroom wall poster car. 118 00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:19,080 When I first saw one of these as a kid, 119 00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:21,600 it lit a flame in my heart. 120 00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:24,920 And when I saw one today, as a middle-aged man, 121 00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:28,560 that same flame roared into life. 122 00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:30,440 (ENGINES REVVING, TYRES SCREECHING) 123 00:07:34,560 --> 00:07:37,160 Listen to that noise! 124 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:38,760 (EXHAUST BACKFIRING) 125 00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:40,080 It's like a gun going off! 126 00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:47,160 The problem is, the Lamborghini Countach wasn't really a car. 127 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:51,280 It wasn't really for driving...but this was. 128 00:07:51,320 --> 00:07:54,080 It's got a proper boot, a decent-sized fuel tank, 129 00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:55,600 it's got comfortable seats. 130 00:07:55,640 --> 00:07:59,520 It's actually a continent crushing touring car. 131 00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:05,240 (ENGINE REVVING) 132 00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:09,600 Eventually, we pulled over 133 00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:12,560 so we could continue arguing face to chest. 134 00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:16,800 Oh, brakes on. Brilliant. 135 00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:19,760 JAMES: On the line. 136 00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:21,360 Right. 137 00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:23,760 Oh, that's not... 138 00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:26,240 That doesn't help much in there. 139 00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:27,880 You can't see behind you, can you? 140 00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:30,120 I just want to be really accurate and you can help. 141 00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:31,880 That's in the way and that's in the way. 142 00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:33,760 That's why the early ones had a periscope. 143 00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:36,920 I've got a better idea. There's a cool thing I can do here. 144 00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:40,520 If you sit here like...this... 145 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:44,200 ...and then you can put it in reverse, there... 146 00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:45,640 You're gonna run over your own foot. 147 00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:48,840 -On no RPM. How cool is this? -Yes, it is moving. Yes, yes. 148 00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:50,880 -I look pretty cool. -You're all right. 149 00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:52,400 You're all right. 150 00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:54,320 -I'm in my car but not-- -Bit of left hand down. 151 00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:55,880 -What? Oh, yeah. -Left hand down. 152 00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:58,760 It's like being out of the side of a helicopter in Vietnam. 153 00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:02,080 It's that cool. Yeah. 154 00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:04,520 I was just explaining to the viewers before we stopped 155 00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:06,080 what a sham this car is. 156 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:08,120 That rear wing has no effect 157 00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:10,720 other than to slow the car down 158 00:09:10,760 --> 00:09:13,080 and make the front go light when you're at high speed. 159 00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:15,120 It's actually worse than that cos it's illegal. 160 00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:18,000 They didn't have the money to homologate it properly. 161 00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:20,040 So they'd build the cars in the factory 162 00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:21,760 then wheel them out into the car park 163 00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:23,440 and a man screwed them on with a power drill. 164 00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:25,520 Genuinely. And I love that about it! 165 00:09:25,520 --> 00:09:28,360 -In the car park? -In the car park, finished it off. I love that! 166 00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:31,840 Why don't we tell the viewers how the indicator stalk on your supercar... 167 00:09:31,880 --> 00:09:34,480 (LAUGHING) ...comes from a Morris Marina? 168 00:09:34,520 --> 00:09:36,200 Well, why don't we talk about the fact 169 00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:39,040 that the electric door mirror adjustors on yours 170 00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:41,600 are out of an Austin Montego? 171 00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:43,400 -I was hoping you didn't know that. -I did. 172 00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:45,880 Ahem. Rod Stewart had a Testarossa. 173 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:48,640 Rod Stewart had a Countach. 174 00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:50,720 Oh, yeah. 175 00:09:52,640 --> 00:09:54,600 JAMES: Unable to agree on anything, 176 00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:56,880 we decided to take a more intellectual approach... 177 00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:00,640 ...by having a drag race. 178 00:10:00,720 --> 00:10:04,280 Now, on paper, the Lamborghini is faster, definitely. 179 00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:06,280 But as we've already observed, 180 00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:09,040 Lamborghini were a bit fast and loose with their performance figures 181 00:10:09,080 --> 00:10:10,520 back in the day. 182 00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:13,400 So now, finally, we can find out for real. 183 00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:17,520 However, as we sat on the start line, 184 00:10:17,520 --> 00:10:20,760 something occurred to us. 185 00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:22,480 These are privately owned cars, aren't they? 186 00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:23,960 RICHARD: Correct, yeah. 187 00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:25,520 Well, the thing is, 188 00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:27,600 Testarossas don't really like standing starts, 189 00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:30,880 cos they tend to blow their own differentials up. 190 00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:33,280 How much is a new differential? 191 00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:37,160 It's £26,000. 192 00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:39,200 Actually, I'm quite glad you've mentioned that. 193 00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:41,240 Because these don't like standing starts either. 194 00:10:41,280 --> 00:10:43,280 It's those huge rear tyres. 195 00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:45,720 You get a fried clutch and a split gearbox casing. 196 00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:47,880 JAMES: How much does that cost? 197 00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:50,200 -£36,000. -Ooh! 198 00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:55,360 So, in all, that's £62,000 at risk. 199 00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:58,240 I know. I fancy something we don't normally do - 200 00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:00,280 a rolling start drag race. 201 00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:03,680 Yes, I do too! I've always wanted to try a rolling start drag race. 202 00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:07,000 And for some reason, today in these cars, I prefer that option. 203 00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:09,680 (ENGINES REVVING) 204 00:11:09,720 --> 00:11:11,640 So, when the light went green, 205 00:11:11,680 --> 00:11:14,760 we gently pull away together. 206 00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:17,760 And then, at the white line, floor it. 207 00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:19,360 (ENGINES REVVING) 208 00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:25,960 Rolling start. 209 00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:28,920 Across the line and bin it! 210 00:11:30,880 --> 00:11:31,920 And they're off. 211 00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:36,040 (ENGINE ACCELERATES) 212 00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:39,640 He's getting away. 213 00:11:41,680 --> 00:11:43,640 What an astonishing feeling! 214 00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:50,080 Aww! An angry Countach! 215 00:11:52,680 --> 00:11:54,040 140... 216 00:11:57,120 --> 00:11:58,360 Agh! 217 00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:03,760 -(CHUCKLES) JAMES: There you go. 218 00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:05,720 The bull has kicked the horse's arse. 219 00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:10,400 Even through that ridiculously small window, 220 00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:11,840 you look smug. 221 00:12:11,880 --> 00:12:13,440 Oh, I am, mate, because I won. 222 00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:15,280 And it matters. 223 00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:17,320 It does matter, that's the annoying thing. 224 00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:19,080 It really matters. 225 00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:20,920 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 226 00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:24,280 RICHARD: Legendary cars. They are legends. 227 00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:25,960 -Fabulous. -It was a privilege, wasn't it? 228 00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:28,040 -Special. -Yeah. 229 00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:31,720 A couple of things I think you forgot to mention in that film. 230 00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:33,240 The Countach. 231 00:12:33,280 --> 00:12:35,440 The steering feels like it's set in concrete, 232 00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:37,680 so does the gear lever, so do the pedals. 233 00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:39,360 And if you use the air conditioning, 234 00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:42,280 it's like you're being breathed on by a hot dog. 235 00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:43,680 (LAUGHTER) 236 00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:45,640 He is right about that. 237 00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:49,560 And you can't talk either, cos your roly-poly barge Testarossa 238 00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:53,560 was, as you said, driven by a man from Miami Vice 239 00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:55,600 who rolled his jacket sleeves up. 240 00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:58,160 The Duke of Edinburgh doesn't do that, does he? 241 00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:00,360 -Earl Haig doesn't do that. -Hang on a minute! 242 00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:02,800 -What? -By attacking those cars, 243 00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:04,840 you are destroying the very foundations 244 00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:07,040 of everything we love and hold precious. 245 00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:10,160 Mm-hm. And now it's time to destroy them a little bit more 246 00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:14,440 by seeing how slowly those cars go round The Eboladrome. 247 00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:16,760 (ENGINE REVS) 248 00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:19,800 And it's off in a clutch-slipping, smoky start. 249 00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:21,840 Ooh, it's wet. 250 00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:24,440 And look at that lunging and pitching there. 251 00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:28,240 As she heads on to the Isn't. 252 00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:30,840 Having a look at the gear lever, make sure it hasn't fallen off. 253 00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:34,120 Sleeves very sensibly rolled down. 254 00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:36,920 Look at the body roll on it. Here we go. 255 00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:38,640 Oh, she's fighting the wheel there. 256 00:13:38,680 --> 00:13:42,880 More lean, as she lunges down to Your Name Here. 257 00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:45,720 It really is dodge, duck, dip, dive. 258 00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:48,800 It's like watching Dodgeball, only slower. 259 00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:51,680 And less amusing. 260 00:13:51,720 --> 00:13:53,720 Another glance down at the gear lever. 261 00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:56,280 And now ringing out that flat 12. 262 00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:02,480 Powerboating back towards Old Lady's House 263 00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:04,440 in a wake of spray. 264 00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:07,880 I can't imagine she's enjoying this. 265 00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:09,360 Right, hard on the brakes. 266 00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:12,360 Taking a wisely cautious line in there. 267 00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:15,480 Has it stopped? No, still moving, just. 268 00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:20,680 And now, yeah, lumbering towards Substation. 269 00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:22,520 In fairness, it does sound quite good. 270 00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:23,920 (ENGINE ROARS) 271 00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:25,960 Very good, actually. 272 00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:28,800 Wallowing through there like a Rolls-Royce Corniche. 273 00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:30,840 Just Field of Sheep to go. 274 00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:32,880 Yes, she's sliding it! 275 00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:34,840 And across the line. 276 00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:39,320 -She's nuts. -That was absolutely nuts. 277 00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:45,080 Sliding a Testarossa - I wouldn't do that for all the tea in China. 278 00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:47,240 Technical point that might confuse the viewers. 279 00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:49,520 You just said, "The roar from the flat 12," 280 00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:51,800 which is sort of right but I said, "V12," 281 00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:53,920 which is also sort of right, cos it's not a boxer. 282 00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:56,480 So it's a 180-degree flat V12. 283 00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:57,800 -Like that. -Literally not interested. 284 00:14:57,840 --> 00:14:59,880 -It's a flat-- -(LAUGHTER) 285 00:14:59,920 --> 00:15:01,160 It's a flattish V12. 286 00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:04,240 Anyway, it's now time to see how the Lambo got on. 287 00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:06,280 (ENGINE REVVING) 288 00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:09,680 And it's a snappier start for the Countach, 289 00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:13,720 mashing its fat rear tyres into that sodden Tarmac. 290 00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:16,560 It really is sodden. 291 00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:19,120 A quick look down to make sure it's in gear there. 292 00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:23,800 Now easing off through the second curve on the straight. 293 00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:26,600 And back on the power towards Your Name here. 294 00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:30,320 No need for Abbie to go to the gym this week. 295 00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:33,160 She's getting all the workout she needs in the Lambo. 296 00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:36,920 Turning in hard as she dare. 297 00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:40,040 Rear wing doing absolutely nothing as usual. 298 00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:46,160 Ooh, I thought it was gonna take off there! 299 00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:50,240 And now the joyless wrestle back towards Old Lady's House. 300 00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:54,240 Through the rain. 301 00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:57,720 A rush of the brakes, I felt, at the mid-point there. 302 00:15:57,760 --> 00:16:01,760 Now, much harder braking and down through the gears. 303 00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:05,960 It sounded like an angry tractor at low revs. 304 00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:07,920 And now in the damp dash towards Substation. 305 00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:09,240 (ENGINE REVVING) 306 00:16:09,280 --> 00:16:10,760 That makes an even better noise 307 00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:13,000 than the Ferrari, really. 308 00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:15,040 Brilliant. Just two corners left. 309 00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:18,040 Will she get this one sliding in Field of Sheep? 310 00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:21,360 Bit of a wiggle there but through the Field of Sheep? 311 00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:23,320 No, and there we are, across the line! 312 00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:27,760 -Brave. -Brave. 313 00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:31,760 Right. 314 00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:35,760 Let's see where they go on the board, Lamborghini first. 315 00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:37,720 RICHARD: Hang on, that's the bottom of the board. 316 00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:39,520 JEREMY: They're not going to the top, are they? 317 00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:41,640 See, look at that. 30th place. 318 00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:43,160 It's faster than a Ford Fiesta. 319 00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:45,200 I mean, come on. That's pretty good. 320 00:16:45,240 --> 00:16:47,480 JEREMY: That is tragically slow! 321 00:16:47,520 --> 00:16:51,080 -It was a long time ago! -(JAMES LAUGHS) 322 00:16:51,120 --> 00:16:53,160 It doesn't look good, does it? 323 00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:55,120 Honda Civic, Ford Focus - they're all quicker. 324 00:16:56,360 --> 00:16:58,320 All right, one good thing is, 325 00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:00,920 the Testarossa can't be much slower than that. Let's find out. 326 00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:05,080 -(LAUGHTER) RICHARD: My God! 327 00:17:06,360 --> 00:17:08,240 Oh, God! 328 00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:09,960 It is faster than the Up! 329 00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:11,680 And they're both in the wet so that's a fair comparison. 330 00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:13,720 Loser, I believe. 331 00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:15,800 JEREMY: Look, I think we have to face facts here. 332 00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:17,800 They're two very slow cars. 333 00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:21,440 But at least they are expensive 334 00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:24,680 and horrible to drive. 335 00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:29,480 Anyway, now it's time to bite into a cake of debate, 336 00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:32,640 from the café of chat... 337 00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:36,040 ...on the corner of Conversation Street. 338 00:17:36,080 --> 00:17:38,000 (MELLOW JAZZ) 339 00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:41,520 (LAUGHTER) 340 00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:52,240 I think after 36 of those we are running out of ideas. 341 00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,080 It was getting desperate. 342 00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,160 Now, any young people here, 343 00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:58,200 looking forward to driving maybe one day? 344 00:17:58,240 --> 00:18:01,560 Thinking the future holds a Ferrari for you, Lamborghini. 345 00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:03,560 Afraid not. There's a company in Aberdeen 346 00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:07,080 who've decided that the future actually will look like this. 347 00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:08,800 RICHARD: Oh, God. -(LAUGHTER) 348 00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:10,560 JAMES: Bloody hell. RICHARD: Really? 349 00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:12,040 JAMES: Electric? 350 00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:14,320 JEREMY: Of course they're electric, obviously. 351 00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:16,400 Range of 35 miles. They're stackable cars. 352 00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:19,920 Wait, so they work like the human centipede, then? 353 00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:21,960 (LAUGHTER) 354 00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:24,040 Not exactly like that, no. 355 00:18:24,080 --> 00:18:25,920 No. No... 356 00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:28,040 No. 357 00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:30,080 What I mean is, they're all connected together. 358 00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:32,080 Yeah, they're connected, exactly. They're connected. 359 00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:35,040 Hang on, what if you're in the one in the middle, right? 360 00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:38,080 And you want to go a different way to the one in the front. 361 00:18:38,080 --> 00:18:39,760 What are you gonna do? 362 00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:42,040 It's worse than that. If you're in the middle 363 00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:43,800 and go a different way, you won't have any wheels. 364 00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:46,000 They'll be left attached to the ones in the front and back. 365 00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:48,000 RICHARD: There's not enough wheels. 366 00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:50,760 I grant you, it looks ridiculous that the front and back separate. 367 00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:52,800 "We've got no bloody wheels!" 368 00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:54,720 Actually, it's an optical illusion, the back wheels are inboard. 369 00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:56,320 So you do have wheels. 370 00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:58,200 But what if you were in the back one 371 00:18:58,240 --> 00:19:00,440 and it was being driven by Richard Hammond from the front? 372 00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:02,400 -You'd be bloody terrified. -Oh, all right! 373 00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:05,000 Yes, that is a point. 374 00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:07,440 But I don't think you quite understand how this works. 375 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,040 I'll need to check it out. 376 00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:12,880 It's quite complicated so bear with me. 377 00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:16,800 You see, the idea is these cars are sort of everywhere for people to use. 378 00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:20,720 And then at night, a man goes round in the green one, the one in front, 379 00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:22,920 and he collects all the others up behind him. 380 00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:26,080 He's a bit like those men you see at airports, with all the trolleys, 381 00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:29,240 and he ends up with that two-mile snake that bashes into your ankles. 382 00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:31,440 -It's like that. -So it gathers them all up? 383 00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:34,040 So, hang on a minute. You drive home in the evening, say. 384 00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:35,920 -Mm-hm. -In your car. 385 00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:38,080 You get up next morning but it's gone because a bloke's collected it? 386 00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:40,800 -(LAUGHTER) -Yeah. 387 00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:43,240 That doesn't work because most journeys by car are two-way. 388 00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:45,160 You get there, then you need to get back. 389 00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:47,080 Unless you're driving to Dignitas. 390 00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:50,280 No, they'd work for that. 391 00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:52,440 Maybe it's a Dignitas collection service. 392 00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:55,320 The thing is, I'm going to try and work out how it... 393 00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:58,720 It's quite complicated. They have actually... 394 00:19:58,760 --> 00:20:02,000 There is a flow chart that explains how it works. Put that up. 395 00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:04,520 -Here we are. RICHARD: Oh, I see! 396 00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:07,560 You're stabbed in the back with a giant fork, and briefcase, 397 00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,800 then you bump into one-and-two-thirds cars, 398 00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:14,320 that turn into half a car, that crash into a picture of a train... 399 00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:16,560 This makes no sense at all! 400 00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:19,240 No, hang on a minute. You've got that wrong, haven't you? 401 00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:22,400 You get into two cars but only drive off in three-quarters of one. 402 00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:25,440 And you go to the station, because presumably you're going somewhere, 403 00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:27,760 but whilst you're going somewhere, somebody takes it and puts it back. 404 00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:30,080 You get back to the station you haven't got a bloody car! 405 00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:31,320 That doesn't work! 406 00:20:31,320 --> 00:20:33,320 No, what they're saying is, 407 00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:36,560 the future is going to be very inconvenient. 408 00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:38,040 Yeah, it sounds that way. 409 00:20:38,080 --> 00:20:40,000 That's basically what they're actually saying. 410 00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:43,080 I've got a blindingly good idea, I'd like to run this by you... 411 00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:45,040 -Sure. -...in a committee fashion. 412 00:20:45,080 --> 00:20:48,240 What if... we had a car of our own. 413 00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:51,400 You could buy it or lease it, but it was, like, your car. 414 00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:53,440 And then... No, it's crazy, I know. 415 00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:55,160 Then there'd be a pretty good chance 416 00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:57,560 it would be wherever it was when you last left it... 417 00:20:57,640 --> 00:21:00,280 -when you came back to it. -So all these people - 418 00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:01,920 you've left cars in the car park here, have you? 419 00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:04,800 -So they'd still be there... -That's exactly it! 420 00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:07,240 They won't have been collected up by a random stranger. 421 00:21:07,280 --> 00:21:10,240 Imagine this - you go out and your car's still there. Brilliant. 422 00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:11,880 Let me run with that, if I may. 423 00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:14,960 What if you could run these cars on a kind of magic juice? 424 00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:16,640 (LAUGHTER) 425 00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:18,320 Takes two or three minutes to replenish them, 426 00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:20,000 you go hundreds of miles. 427 00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:22,320 -What magic juice? -Well, you could get it from underground. 428 00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:25,680 -What's it made of? -Squashed prawns? 429 00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:27,320 (LAUGHTER) 430 00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:29,320 It's all sounding a bit improbable, mate. 431 00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:31,400 Well, let's take on the company from Aberdeen 432 00:21:31,440 --> 00:21:34,400 and see who gets it more right. 433 00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:36,320 Can I talk about Robert Kubica? 434 00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:39,240 Polish Formula One driver, there's a picture of him now. 435 00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:41,200 A few years ago, eight years ago actually, 436 00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:44,320 he had a terrible accident while doing a spot of rallying for fun. 437 00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:47,440 That was the car. You see the crash barrier went into the car. 438 00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:50,080 Broke every single bone on the right side of his body, 439 00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:52,400 everything from his heel to his shoulder. 440 00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:55,960 Had a seven-hour operation to put his arm back on again, 441 00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:58,560 and then 17 more operations after that. 442 00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:00,400 And his arm still doesn't work properly, 443 00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:03,480 but this weekend he is back in a Formula One car. 444 00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:05,520 And I'd just like say, that's bloody brilliant. 445 00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:07,560 What a man! 446 00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:09,320 RICHARD: Determination. 447 00:22:09,360 --> 00:22:10,760 Like um... 448 00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:15,960 Mark Webber, OK, the Aussie F1 guy, 449 00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:17,720 former F1 guy, 450 00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:19,920 he welcomed him back to Formula One by tweeting: 451 00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:21,840 (IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) "Poland's man is coming back, 452 00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:24,840 what a warrior and tenacious prick he is." 453 00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:27,200 Now, to be fair, to be fair for an Australian, 454 00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:29,200 that is getting quite soppy and sentimental. 455 00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:31,560 "Ah, yeah, he's a prick." 456 00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:33,840 Oh, now. As I'm sure you know, 457 00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:35,840 there's a lot of work going on at the moment 458 00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:37,880 with sort of electric cars, driverless cars 459 00:22:37,920 --> 00:22:40,120 -and the future of transportation and so on. -Yes, we have noticed. 460 00:22:40,160 --> 00:22:43,320 Exactly. All I want is something that stops things 461 00:22:43,360 --> 00:22:45,840 falling down the side of the seat when you're driving along. 462 00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:47,680 I want the car I've got now, 463 00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:49,720 but just something that stops that happening. 464 00:22:49,760 --> 00:22:51,920 -That's it? -That is the sum total of your ambition? 465 00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:53,520 Yes, it is-- 466 00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:55,600 At this period of fundamental change in the whole concept 467 00:22:55,640 --> 00:22:58,640 of car ownership, car usage, car functionality... 468 00:22:58,680 --> 00:23:01,160 Mm-hm, that's all I want, something that... 469 00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:03,600 Cos they say it's dangerous to tweet when you're driving. 470 00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:05,080 -Yeah? -Yeah. 471 00:23:05,120 --> 00:23:06,440 Driving along like that, 472 00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:08,240 and "Oh, no, I've dropped my phone down there." 473 00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:10,320 You've got the seat lifted, your head's squashed, 474 00:23:10,360 --> 00:23:12,360 you're desperately shoving your hand down there, 475 00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:15,520 shoving it in, all the skin's been peeled back at the side. 476 00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:17,000 "I'll get it, I'll get it." 477 00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:20,160 -"Like a... Like a determined vet. -Exactly! 478 00:23:20,200 --> 00:23:22,000 Exactly! 479 00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:24,440 -(LAUGHTER) -Not exactly. 480 00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:26,720 -Sort of, like... -"Come on, mole, give birth!" 481 00:23:26,760 --> 00:23:28,240 (GRUNTS) "It's burst!" 482 00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:30,520 Why can't we just have a little bit of a f... 483 00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:33,880 I mean, I'm doing it on this side because we're all British, but whatever side. 484 00:23:33,920 --> 00:23:39,000 A little flap of material that stops things going down. I mean, how hard can that be? 485 00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:41,120 I know what you mean, it is an issue. 486 00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:44,800 I once looked under the driver seat of my 911, and you'll remember this, 487 00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:47,400 I found eight pairs of sunglasses I'd lost and replaced. 488 00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:49,120 -He did. -Just all under there. 489 00:23:49,160 --> 00:23:51,360 There's house keys, ingots, relatives. 490 00:23:51,400 --> 00:23:54,080 There's also... And eventually you do drop something. 491 00:23:54,120 --> 00:23:55,680 You know what it's like when you drop something and you think, 492 00:23:55,720 --> 00:23:57,960 "I really do need to get that back," so you have to stop. 493 00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:00,440 And then you can't get it from here or from here. 494 00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:02,440 So then you have to go round the back, 495 00:24:02,480 --> 00:24:04,040 and you can never quite get in properly, 496 00:24:04,080 --> 00:24:05,800 so you've got your hand under it like this. 497 00:24:05,840 --> 00:24:09,280 And there's always... There's always what feels like 498 00:24:09,320 --> 00:24:11,720 a bit of furry mucus. 499 00:24:11,760 --> 00:24:13,760 No, there is! There is, there is! You've seen it! 500 00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:15,800 -That is always there. -Like a hairy tumour. 501 00:24:15,840 --> 00:24:17,200 And it's squidgy, and you go... 502 00:24:17,240 --> 00:24:19,560 There always, always is one of those, 503 00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:22,880 and it's always, always on top of whatever it was you lost. 504 00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:25,320 Do you know, the Holy Grail will probably turn up 505 00:24:25,360 --> 00:24:27,360 -under somebody's driving seat. -It will. 506 00:24:27,400 --> 00:24:30,240 I tell you what, if you went underneath everybody's seat, 507 00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:32,600 if you all tonight when you go back to the car, 508 00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:34,280 have a look under your car seats, 509 00:24:34,320 --> 00:24:37,760 you will find enough loose change to pay for Brexit. 510 00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:39,440 (LAUGHTER) 511 00:24:39,480 --> 00:24:41,320 It could do it, it could tip it. 512 00:24:41,360 --> 00:24:44,040 We could pretty much pay the whole lot. Who's with me? 513 00:24:44,080 --> 00:24:46,760 AUDIENCE: Yes. 514 00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:48,800 There you go, you see, people applauded... 515 00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:50,320 Well, three people applauded my idea. 516 00:24:50,360 --> 00:24:51,920 (LAUGHTER) 517 00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:53,480 -James? -What? 518 00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:55,600 -Interesting news. RICHARD: Oh, God! 519 00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:57,360 What do you mean, "Oh, God"? 520 00:24:57,400 --> 00:25:00,320 Well, whenever one of you two says, "Interesting news" 521 00:25:00,360 --> 00:25:02,160 it turns out to be about the war. 522 00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:05,320 -No, this... isn't about the war. -(LAUGHTER) 523 00:25:05,360 --> 00:25:07,400 This is interesting news about the speed of different birds. 524 00:25:07,440 --> 00:25:09,440 -Oh, that's even worse! -Oh, I love this. 525 00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:11,480 We've talked about this before? 526 00:25:11,520 --> 00:25:14,320 They've been going on about this ever since he claimed 527 00:25:14,360 --> 00:25:16,560 to have clocked a pigeon doing 25 miles an hour. 528 00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:19,960 I did. I was driving alongside, there was a pigeon that was doing 25. 529 00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:25,360 Anyway, a Swiss speed camera has clocked a duck... 530 00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:27,440 It's clocked a duck, it's actually triggered the camera. 531 00:25:27,480 --> 00:25:29,480 Got a picture here, look, proving it. 532 00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:32,400 JAMES: Look at that! -And it took a picture of a duck. 533 00:25:32,440 --> 00:25:34,760 JAMES: How fast was it going? JEREMY: 32 miles an hour. 534 00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:37,120 JAMES: There you go. That's quite incredible. 535 00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:40,720 Cos if I was asked, I'd say a duck would do 20 or 21-- 536 00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:44,440 It's not quite incredible, neither is it remotely interesting! 537 00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:46,680 It is interesting! It's a piece of knowledge, Hammond! 538 00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:50,520 How can the world be a poorer place for having a bit more knowledge in it? 539 00:25:50,560 --> 00:25:52,480 -Exactly. -Because that knowledge 540 00:25:52,520 --> 00:25:57,280 is peculiar and strange, and doesn't matter a bugger to anybody. 541 00:25:57,320 --> 00:26:00,680 You're not gonna be mocking when you're Buttons in the panto in Swindon 542 00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:03,320 and Jeremy and I are waving at each other from our super yachts 543 00:26:03,360 --> 00:26:05,520 because of the global success of our television series 544 00:26:05,560 --> 00:26:08,240 James And Jeremy's The Speed Of Birds. 545 00:26:08,280 --> 00:26:11,280 -It's gonna be absolutely massive. -Who'd watch that? 546 00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:13,280 Come on, who'd watch The Speed Of Birds? 547 00:26:13,320 --> 00:26:15,840 Who wants to see him as Buttons at the Swindon Wyvern? 548 00:26:15,880 --> 00:26:17,800 -Me. -(CHEERING) 549 00:26:19,640 --> 00:26:22,600 No! Never! 550 00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:25,760 -I think that marks the end of Conversation Street. JEREMY: Yes. 551 00:26:25,800 --> 00:26:27,800 I think it does. I think I'll move it on, 552 00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:32,640 because all of us agree that we do love a hot hatchback. 553 00:26:32,680 --> 00:26:36,160 Yeah, we love that they're practical, cheap to run, cheap to repair, 554 00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:38,400 but they still go like demented baboons. 555 00:26:38,440 --> 00:26:42,200 Yeah, and now there's a new breed of small hot hatchback. 556 00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:45,120 And to find which one is best, we took The Grand Tour 557 00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:48,080 to that field just over there. 558 00:26:51,840 --> 00:26:53,600 Yes, the start point for our test 559 00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:56,200 was our own track in Oxfordshire. 560 00:26:56,240 --> 00:26:58,960 And this is what we'd assembled. 561 00:27:00,440 --> 00:27:03,720 I've brought the new Volkswagen Polo GTI, 562 00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:06,960 which has 197 horsepower. 563 00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:11,000 Richard Hammond has brought the new Ford Fiesta ST, 564 00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:15,040 which also has 197 horsepower. 565 00:27:15,080 --> 00:27:18,680 James May has brought the new Toyota Yaris, 566 00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:21,040 which has a ridiculous name, 567 00:27:21,080 --> 00:27:23,000 the "Grmn". 568 00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:26,120 Grmm-nn... 569 00:27:26,160 --> 00:27:28,000 Grmn. How do you say that? Grmm-nn... 570 00:27:28,040 --> 00:27:29,760 Grumuna. 571 00:27:29,800 --> 00:27:31,960 It isn't Grumuna, there's no "a" at the end. 572 00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:33,960 It says "Grmn". 573 00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:36,400 -It is a funny name. -What does it mean, Grmn? 574 00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:40,320 Gazoo Racing Meisters of the Nurburgring. 575 00:27:40,360 --> 00:27:43,040 -Oh! Your favourite place! -That's where it was developed. 576 00:27:43,080 --> 00:27:45,040 JEREMY: And what is Gazoo Racing? 577 00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:47,080 JAMES: Gazoo Racing is Toyota's racing division. 578 00:27:47,120 --> 00:27:49,520 This has been done by a small group of people 579 00:27:49,560 --> 00:27:51,320 dedicating themselves over two years 580 00:27:51,360 --> 00:27:53,080 to making this the perfect hot hatch. 581 00:27:53,120 --> 00:27:55,920 Stiffened body shell, shorter springs, SACHS dampers. 582 00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:58,760 It's got a supercharger, it's got special forged wheels, 583 00:27:58,800 --> 00:28:01,440 it's got special tyres, it's got stiffened anti-roll bars. 584 00:28:01,480 --> 00:28:04,480 It's even got a different steering rack from the standard Yaris. 585 00:28:04,520 --> 00:28:06,560 That's proper hot-hatch technology. 586 00:28:06,600 --> 00:28:10,280 My car is just over £21,000, yours is what? 587 00:28:10,320 --> 00:28:12,640 RICHARD: Just shy of £20,000. JEREMY: Just under £20,000. 588 00:28:12,680 --> 00:28:15,280 Over £26,000. 589 00:28:15,320 --> 00:28:16,960 And worth every penny, 590 00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:19,360 because it's properly developed as a hot hatchback. 591 00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:21,400 RICHARD: It's not a pretty car. 592 00:28:21,440 --> 00:28:23,920 JAMES: I think it is. JEREMY: It's put make-up on one eye. 593 00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:26,120 Slightly mad make-up on one eye, it's like Kiss. 594 00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:28,480 It's like watching my daughters get ready in the morning. 595 00:28:28,520 --> 00:28:29,960 "Am I done?" "Yeah, you're done." 596 00:28:30,000 --> 00:28:31,280 Yours is a brown car. 597 00:28:31,320 --> 00:28:33,080 -It's not brown! -That is brown. 598 00:28:33,120 --> 00:28:35,520 -Oh, yeah, it is. -It isn't, it's mushroom. 599 00:28:35,560 --> 00:28:37,200 The cameramen know about colour. Is it brown? 600 00:28:37,240 --> 00:28:38,920 -It's brown. CAMERAMAN: It's definitely brown. 601 00:28:38,960 --> 00:28:41,440 It's mushroom! 602 00:28:41,480 --> 00:28:44,200 JEREMY: At this point, we decided that instead of arguing 603 00:28:44,240 --> 00:28:47,720 about which car was best, we should do some actual tests, 604 00:28:47,760 --> 00:28:51,640 starting with a pursuit race. 605 00:28:51,680 --> 00:28:55,120 Each of us was spaced at equal distances around the track 606 00:28:55,160 --> 00:28:57,080 and the rules were simple. 607 00:28:57,120 --> 00:28:59,640 When you're overtaken by the car behind... 608 00:29:00,800 --> 00:29:03,240 ...James is out. 609 00:29:03,280 --> 00:29:06,000 Can I just ask, why am I starting on the gravel, 610 00:29:06,040 --> 00:29:08,880 on a bend, when you two are on Tarmac? 611 00:29:08,920 --> 00:29:10,920 -Have you got launch control? -No. 612 00:29:10,960 --> 00:29:13,200 Well, that's your look-out, then, isn't it? I have. 613 00:29:13,240 --> 00:29:16,080 -(CHUCKLES) -All right, what-evs. Let's go. 614 00:29:18,400 --> 00:29:20,320 Launch control active! I'm ready. 615 00:29:21,400 --> 00:29:23,080 (ENGINE REVVING) 616 00:29:24,160 --> 00:29:27,120 RADIO: Three, two, one, go! 617 00:29:30,720 --> 00:29:33,280 Ooh, and we are away! 618 00:29:37,160 --> 00:29:38,160 Aw. 619 00:29:40,800 --> 00:29:41,920 It's a lively little thing, this. 620 00:29:48,480 --> 00:29:50,600 Let's not forget, shall we, that Volkswagen 621 00:29:50,640 --> 00:29:57,040 invented the hot hatchback and they're still the best at it. 622 00:29:57,080 --> 00:29:59,920 Take an ordinary hatchback, stiffen the suspension, 623 00:29:59,960 --> 00:30:02,080 stiffen the body, give it a big engine. 624 00:30:02,120 --> 00:30:03,120 The end. 625 00:30:05,280 --> 00:30:06,520 Kazoo! 626 00:30:06,560 --> 00:30:09,880 It's nice, it feels taut. What happens here? 627 00:30:09,920 --> 00:30:11,640 Where does it go? 628 00:30:17,080 --> 00:30:18,800 (TYRES SCREECH) 629 00:30:18,840 --> 00:30:20,760 This is cracking. I love these. 630 00:30:24,680 --> 00:30:26,680 Those little crackles and bangs from the exhaust, 631 00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:28,280 it's got valves in it... 632 00:30:29,920 --> 00:30:31,800 ...to make it sound good. 633 00:30:35,040 --> 00:30:38,080 Come on, come on, come on, come on. And into the gravel cell. 634 00:30:42,240 --> 00:30:45,200 It's actually quite funny the way the tail will slide round 635 00:30:45,240 --> 00:30:47,400 and then you can feel the brakes grabbing 636 00:30:47,440 --> 00:30:49,360 to stop it actually spinning. 637 00:30:52,200 --> 00:30:55,200 That way, you can have lots of fun 638 00:30:55,240 --> 00:30:58,560 without there being blood or an ambulance. 639 00:31:02,040 --> 00:31:04,360 No, got it wrong, and I've got Jezza behind me. 640 00:31:05,880 --> 00:31:08,400 The "Grunumunum" is right in my sights now. 641 00:31:10,800 --> 00:31:13,440 Come on, come on, come on. This is exciting times now. 642 00:31:13,480 --> 00:31:15,880 Duh! Incorrect. 643 00:31:19,600 --> 00:31:21,320 Ah, that was, I overdid it. 644 00:31:23,320 --> 00:31:25,960 Hard to see where I'm going now due to the dust cloud 645 00:31:26,000 --> 00:31:27,920 from the "Grunumunummmnnmm". 646 00:31:31,640 --> 00:31:34,200 -Whoa! -Oh, no, Hammond's catching Clarkson as well. 647 00:31:34,240 --> 00:31:36,040 This is getting very interesting. 648 00:31:37,880 --> 00:31:39,840 Right, time to reel Jeremy in. 649 00:31:42,280 --> 00:31:44,200 Come on, come on, come on, this is... 650 00:31:44,240 --> 00:31:45,600 Too wide. 651 00:31:46,920 --> 00:31:48,680 You're out! Ha ha! 652 00:31:48,720 --> 00:31:50,520 With the roadblock out of the way, 653 00:31:50,560 --> 00:31:52,840 it became a two-horse war of attrition. 654 00:31:55,080 --> 00:31:57,000 Come on, Clarkson, you're mine. 655 00:31:58,440 --> 00:32:00,080 Grip. Grip, grip, grip. 656 00:32:01,920 --> 00:32:03,280 (CACKLES) 657 00:32:06,200 --> 00:32:08,880 Hot hatchbacks are such a riot! 658 00:32:08,920 --> 00:32:10,840 They really are. 659 00:32:13,800 --> 00:32:16,120 If someone were to say to me now, "Do you want to get out 660 00:32:16,160 --> 00:32:19,840 and swap into a 911 Turbo or a 488?" 661 00:32:19,880 --> 00:32:22,920 I'd say, "No, I honestly do not want to do that." 662 00:32:24,000 --> 00:32:25,120 (CACKLES) 663 00:32:28,000 --> 00:32:30,000 Oh, bit of lift-off oversteer. 664 00:32:30,040 --> 00:32:31,880 That's what you want in a hot hatch. 665 00:32:33,560 --> 00:32:35,200 Several laps later, 666 00:32:35,240 --> 00:32:38,680 both of us were still the same distance apart. 667 00:32:40,800 --> 00:32:45,640 It's just occurred to me we both have the same knowledge of this track, 668 00:32:45,680 --> 00:32:48,000 we both have 197 horsepower. 669 00:32:49,080 --> 00:32:52,440 This race may take a while. 670 00:32:52,480 --> 00:32:55,600 JEREMY: However... -Brakes are fading, I can feel them fading a bit. 671 00:32:55,640 --> 00:32:57,120 They do get hot. 672 00:32:57,160 --> 00:32:59,760 JEREMY: Mine meanwhile had got smoky hot. 673 00:33:02,600 --> 00:33:06,400 So, much to the annoyance of our colleague... 674 00:33:06,440 --> 00:33:09,400 ...we decided to call it a draw. 675 00:33:09,440 --> 00:33:12,640 Can I just say, if this was a proper race rather than a catchy-up race, 676 00:33:12,680 --> 00:33:16,080 I'd be in the lead because I treated my car properly and didn't overheat the brakes. 677 00:33:16,120 --> 00:33:17,720 -Have you heard this? -I did hear that. 678 00:33:17,760 --> 00:33:19,040 You don't pause in a race! 679 00:33:19,080 --> 00:33:21,080 -So if you drive slowly, you win? -Yes. 680 00:33:21,120 --> 00:33:24,400 Because my brakes aren't overheating, I could still be-- 681 00:33:24,440 --> 00:33:26,880 -You never went more than 28mph! -Rubbish! 682 00:33:26,920 --> 00:33:30,040 When did you watch a motor race on the television, on Grandstand or-- 683 00:33:30,080 --> 00:33:35,520 Rather than listen to any more of May's bizarre theories on motor sport... 684 00:33:35,560 --> 00:33:38,160 ...we decide to move on to the next challenge. 685 00:33:40,400 --> 00:33:42,320 A drag race. 686 00:33:42,360 --> 00:33:45,800 Let me talk you through the engine. It's a two-litre turbo. 687 00:33:47,120 --> 00:33:48,600 What more do you want? 688 00:33:48,640 --> 00:33:51,840 Right, launch control. I'm ready. 689 00:33:51,880 --> 00:33:53,480 I'm also ready. 690 00:33:53,520 --> 00:33:55,920 James, on the other hand, 691 00:33:55,960 --> 00:33:58,600 has some explaining to do about his "Grunumm..." 692 00:34:00,600 --> 00:34:02,600 This engine's actually pretty interesting. 693 00:34:02,640 --> 00:34:05,640 First and foremost, it's been breathed upon by Lotus. 694 00:34:05,680 --> 00:34:08,080 They actually use a similar spec engine in the Elise. 695 00:34:08,120 --> 00:34:10,640 But perhaps more interestingly, it's supercharged, 696 00:34:10,680 --> 00:34:12,680 which is unusual in a hot hatchback. 697 00:34:12,720 --> 00:34:15,920 Why bother with a supercharger? It's heavier than a turbocharger... 698 00:34:21,360 --> 00:34:23,160 So the headline figures are: 699 00:34:23,200 --> 00:34:25,440 I have the most power, 209 horsepower. 700 00:34:25,480 --> 00:34:28,880 I have the lowest weight, 1,135 kilograms. 701 00:34:28,920 --> 00:34:33,600 And that's over 200 kilograms lighter than Clarkson's VW. 702 00:34:33,640 --> 00:34:37,600 JEREMY: Eventually James finished talking and we were ready to go. 703 00:34:38,640 --> 00:34:40,120 I probably won't win this. 704 00:34:40,160 --> 00:34:42,280 My problem is I've got the heaviest car 705 00:34:42,320 --> 00:34:44,040 and I'm the heaviest driver. 706 00:34:46,120 --> 00:34:47,160 (BLEEPING) 707 00:34:48,680 --> 00:34:50,160 (BLEEPING) 708 00:34:52,160 --> 00:34:54,080 And we are away. 709 00:34:56,440 --> 00:34:58,360 Where's that bloody Polo going? 710 00:35:07,160 --> 00:35:08,640 Yes! 711 00:35:08,640 --> 00:35:10,360 Oh, what? 712 00:35:10,400 --> 00:35:12,920 A victory for the fat boy! 713 00:35:14,960 --> 00:35:19,080 That can only mean that VW have got their figures wrong. 714 00:35:19,120 --> 00:35:21,920 Again. 715 00:35:21,960 --> 00:35:25,040 JEREMY: This surprising result called for a bit of a debrief. 716 00:35:27,000 --> 00:35:29,000 The mushroom-coloured Polo-- 717 00:35:29,040 --> 00:35:31,520 -Brown! -The brown VW has won. 718 00:35:31,560 --> 00:35:33,560 Actually, I've got to be honest. 719 00:35:33,600 --> 00:35:37,160 I am quite surprised by its astonishing victory. 720 00:35:37,200 --> 00:35:39,400 It is really annoying. And there's nothing you can do. 721 00:35:39,440 --> 00:35:42,560 -Cos it's heavy. -And it's only as powerful as this. 722 00:35:42,600 --> 00:35:44,600 The DSG gearbox makes a huge difference. 723 00:35:44,640 --> 00:35:46,160 Yeah, the double clutch. 724 00:35:46,200 --> 00:35:49,200 Every time you two have to change gear, you lose 20 yards. 725 00:35:49,280 --> 00:35:51,960 There's no way you can keep up with an old-fashioned box. 726 00:35:52,000 --> 00:35:54,360 -No, it's one gear, then another-- -(MESSAGE ALERT) 727 00:35:54,400 --> 00:35:55,960 Oh, hang on. 728 00:35:56,000 --> 00:35:58,000 Text from Mr Wilman. 729 00:35:58,040 --> 00:36:01,480 -"You idiots." -Nice. -Not very kind. 730 00:36:01,520 --> 00:36:05,640 "Stop banging on about double-clutch gearboxes and lift-off oversteer. 731 00:36:05,640 --> 00:36:08,360 These cars are supposed to appeal to young people 732 00:36:08,400 --> 00:36:10,480 and they have no idea what those things are. 733 00:36:13,680 --> 00:36:17,480 The winner of this test will be the car that appeals most to millennials, 734 00:36:17,520 --> 00:36:20,600 not old men like you." 735 00:36:20,640 --> 00:36:24,560 So what test do we do that young people would be interested? 736 00:36:24,600 --> 00:36:26,920 No, wait, I've had an idea. 737 00:36:26,960 --> 00:36:28,360 JAMES: What exactly is a millennial? 738 00:36:34,040 --> 00:36:36,920 JEREMY: Once we'd explained this to James, we left the test track, 739 00:36:36,960 --> 00:36:41,840 and began our new youth-friendly road test. 740 00:36:41,880 --> 00:36:47,400 What I've done is I've fitted some youth-friendly political stickers on the doors. 741 00:36:47,440 --> 00:36:54,880 And then on the windscreen, a transgender, fluid, neutral sunscreen. 742 00:36:54,920 --> 00:36:57,320 The other Jeremy, of course, is the great Jeremy Corbyn, 743 00:36:57,360 --> 00:36:59,760 leader of the Labour Party, 744 00:36:59,800 --> 00:37:04,320 a man with the same initials as the Baby Jesus, 745 00:37:04,360 --> 00:37:06,080 one of the prophets of Islam. 746 00:37:08,040 --> 00:37:10,200 Richard, meanwhile, had for some reason 747 00:37:10,280 --> 00:37:13,640 put the shipping forecast on the doors of the Fiesta. 748 00:37:17,160 --> 00:37:19,640 Why have you got "Stormy" on the side of your car? 749 00:37:19,640 --> 00:37:22,840 Cos that's the name of the rapper that young people adore. 750 00:37:22,880 --> 00:37:24,400 No, that's Stormzy. 751 00:37:24,440 --> 00:37:29,000 Stormy's that sexual intercourse enthusiast in America. 752 00:37:29,040 --> 00:37:30,960 Popular with young people? 753 00:37:34,520 --> 00:37:37,360 JAMES: Meanwhile, I'd headed for an organic farm shop 754 00:37:37,400 --> 00:37:40,640 to test out my young-people modification. 755 00:37:40,640 --> 00:37:43,800 What I've fitted to my car - it's powered by the same USB port 756 00:37:43,840 --> 00:37:46,480 that you'd normally use to recharge your vape bong - 757 00:37:46,520 --> 00:37:49,960 is the most important thing in a millennial's life. 758 00:37:50,000 --> 00:37:53,000 And that is, of course, a juicer. Ta-da! 759 00:37:53,040 --> 00:37:58,360 Now, using this, I can make a whole range of tasty and nutritious juices 760 00:37:58,400 --> 00:38:01,560 using a variety of ethically-sound ingredients. 761 00:38:01,600 --> 00:38:03,840 And that means I won't be beholden 762 00:38:03,880 --> 00:38:07,360 to evil American corporations that murder baby veals 763 00:38:07,400 --> 00:38:09,880 and snap the beaks off chickens. 764 00:38:12,640 --> 00:38:15,960 RICHARD: Back on the road, Jeremy and I were busy competing 765 00:38:16,000 --> 00:38:19,640 to win the hearts and minds of the snowflakes. 766 00:38:19,640 --> 00:38:22,960 Because you're young, you'll care very much about the environment. 767 00:38:23,000 --> 00:38:27,000 So you'll be very glad to know that unlike the Polo and the Toyota, 768 00:38:27,040 --> 00:38:30,360 this doesn't have four cylinders - the Fiesta only has three. 769 00:38:30,400 --> 00:38:32,200 In fact, when it's cruising, 770 00:38:32,280 --> 00:38:35,160 it can deactivate one of them and go down to two. 771 00:38:35,200 --> 00:38:37,200 That's a world first on a three-cylinder car. 772 00:38:37,280 --> 00:38:40,960 And what it means is, it's nicer to polar bears. 773 00:38:43,960 --> 00:38:46,440 The seats in here are made from cloth, 774 00:38:46,480 --> 00:38:50,080 so no cow was harmed in the making of the interior. 775 00:38:50,120 --> 00:38:54,120 Apart from a small veal who was used to make the steering wheel. 776 00:38:54,160 --> 00:38:55,840 But that's it. 777 00:38:58,320 --> 00:38:59,880 (WHIRRING) 778 00:39:01,200 --> 00:39:04,440 Right, this one is kale, apple, 779 00:39:04,480 --> 00:39:08,200 line-caught avocado and ethical water... 780 00:39:08,280 --> 00:39:10,920 plus my reading glasses which fell in there earlier on. 781 00:39:10,960 --> 00:39:13,760 But it doesn't matter, they've got plastic lenses so they're perfectly safe. 782 00:39:17,160 --> 00:39:18,400 Mm! 783 00:39:18,440 --> 00:39:20,360 Someone's gonna want that. 784 00:39:23,120 --> 00:39:26,040 JEREMY: In order to see if we were on the right track, 785 00:39:26,080 --> 00:39:28,640 Richard and I had headed into the wonderful, 786 00:39:28,640 --> 00:39:30,640 anti-car city of Oxford. 787 00:39:32,640 --> 00:39:34,600 Many, many cyclists here. 788 00:39:38,040 --> 00:39:41,160 Look at the way young people are approving of my car 789 00:39:41,200 --> 00:39:42,920 and my stickers. 790 00:39:44,080 --> 00:39:45,960 Dab on it, wagwam! 791 00:39:46,000 --> 00:39:48,880 I speak the language of the millennial. 792 00:39:48,920 --> 00:39:52,760 Hammond and May won't be able to do that, cos they're in a Ford and a Toyota. 793 00:39:52,800 --> 00:39:54,160 They're bad whips. 794 00:39:55,560 --> 00:39:57,400 You'll see there's a bus lane here. 795 00:39:57,440 --> 00:40:01,640 And the Fiesta is showing no sign at all 796 00:40:01,640 --> 00:40:05,960 of complaining that half the road is completely empty and unused. 797 00:40:07,560 --> 00:40:10,120 This car has no problem with that. 798 00:40:10,160 --> 00:40:13,600 JEREMY: There's a couple of hikers, Hammond, on my left. 799 00:40:13,640 --> 00:40:16,880 I'm not judging them, cos judging people is wrong. 800 00:40:16,920 --> 00:40:18,840 Oh, cyclist. 801 00:40:22,040 --> 00:40:25,040 -(MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVS) -Maniac! 802 00:40:25,080 --> 00:40:29,600 Having drunk his spectacles, James was now on the move. 803 00:40:29,640 --> 00:40:32,040 My latest juice has a bit of an Asian flavour. 804 00:40:32,080 --> 00:40:36,680 Because it's made with okra, some ground-up dry ginger, 805 00:40:36,760 --> 00:40:40,080 a touch of garlic, a pinch of garam masala... 806 00:40:40,120 --> 00:40:43,640 and a pork pie. 807 00:40:43,640 --> 00:40:46,400 This car was, of course, developed at the Nurburgring, 808 00:40:46,440 --> 00:40:48,440 which might sound not very millennial. 809 00:40:48,480 --> 00:40:52,440 But on the other hand, it is the world's greenest circuit. 810 00:40:52,480 --> 00:40:54,080 It is completely... 811 00:40:54,120 --> 00:40:56,120 -(SPLASHING) -Oh, Jesus! 812 00:40:56,160 --> 00:40:58,080 (BRAKES SQUEALING) 813 00:41:00,440 --> 00:41:01,960 God! Agh! 814 00:41:03,040 --> 00:41:04,880 Agh... 815 00:41:04,920 --> 00:41:06,200 Agh. 816 00:41:07,680 --> 00:41:09,160 (SPITS) 817 00:41:09,160 --> 00:41:11,160 Back to the tent. 818 00:41:11,200 --> 00:41:13,600 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 819 00:41:13,640 --> 00:41:16,360 JEREMY: I've gotta be honest... 820 00:41:16,400 --> 00:41:20,440 Apart from you drinking plastic, which is evil, 821 00:41:20,480 --> 00:41:23,840 I thought that was all going rather well, the test appealing to young people. 822 00:41:23,880 --> 00:41:28,000 Yeah, we talked about carbon dioxide and polar bears 823 00:41:28,040 --> 00:41:30,040 and expressed our support for the Labour Party. 824 00:41:30,080 --> 00:41:33,680 Yeah, apart from the bit where the juicer blew up in my face, obviously, 825 00:41:33,760 --> 00:41:35,400 it was all going rather excellently, we thought. 826 00:41:35,440 --> 00:41:37,120 It was, yeah. 827 00:41:37,160 --> 00:41:40,440 Unfortunately, Mr Wilman said we hadn't got the idea at all. 828 00:41:40,480 --> 00:41:43,160 -No. -And that to really appeal to millennials, 829 00:41:43,160 --> 00:41:46,840 we had to somehow get our cars in The Mail Online. 830 00:41:46,880 --> 00:41:49,080 Now this was a bit of a problem for James, 831 00:41:49,120 --> 00:41:52,160 -who claims he's never read The Mail Online. -I haven't. 832 00:41:52,200 --> 00:41:54,880 You're not really The Mail's target audience, James. 833 00:41:54,920 --> 00:41:56,760 What do you mean by that? 834 00:41:56,800 --> 00:42:00,920 You're not a mealy-mouthed bitter person... 835 00:42:00,960 --> 00:42:04,200 ...who believes that everyone who is luckier, better-looking, 836 00:42:04,280 --> 00:42:07,680 richer and more talented than you are should be torn to shreds and executed. 837 00:42:07,760 --> 00:42:09,160 (LAUGHTER) 838 00:42:09,160 --> 00:42:12,440 Right, well, whatever, the rules were simple. 839 00:42:12,480 --> 00:42:16,840 We had to drive into London and then do something with our cars 840 00:42:16,880 --> 00:42:19,800 that would get the paparazzi to take a picture of them. 841 00:42:19,840 --> 00:42:23,640 And then the winner would be the person who got the most amount of those pictures 842 00:42:23,680 --> 00:42:25,600 actually published. 843 00:42:29,000 --> 00:42:32,040 RICHARD: I decided that what I'd do was take my wife 844 00:42:32,080 --> 00:42:35,280 out for dinner at the glittering Bluebird restaurant 845 00:42:35,320 --> 00:42:38,000 on the famous King's Road. 846 00:42:38,040 --> 00:42:40,160 It's a popular haunt for the paps, this. 847 00:42:40,200 --> 00:42:44,760 And I felt sure we'd be snapped getting out of the little Ford. 848 00:42:44,800 --> 00:42:47,600 OK, right, so remember to smile. 849 00:42:47,640 --> 00:42:49,640 And look like you really like me. 850 00:42:49,640 --> 00:42:51,440 -OK. -Like, a lot. 851 00:42:53,320 --> 00:42:55,000 Right. 852 00:42:55,040 --> 00:42:57,040 Hold my hand, there. 853 00:42:57,080 --> 00:42:59,160 And then we'll just stand around for a bit. 854 00:43:02,960 --> 00:43:05,520 -Looking forward to dinner with my wife Mindy. -That'll be nice. 855 00:43:09,920 --> 00:43:13,520 Jeremy, meanwhile, had decided that to get himself noticed, 856 00:43:13,560 --> 00:43:17,320 he'd have a puncture, and then get a celebrity 857 00:43:17,360 --> 00:43:19,920 like Binky Felstead to help him mend it. 858 00:43:22,480 --> 00:43:25,200 -You grab the spare wheel. -Really? 859 00:43:30,120 --> 00:43:32,280 You have to twiddle it so the car goes up. 860 00:43:32,320 --> 00:43:34,200 -Really high in the sky. -For God's sake! 861 00:43:34,280 --> 00:43:35,680 Oh. 862 00:43:35,760 --> 00:43:37,760 Come on, put your back into it. 863 00:43:37,800 --> 00:43:41,280 I'm exhausted. (GRUNTS) 864 00:43:41,320 --> 00:43:43,160 JEREMY: James, meanwhile, was driving a car 865 00:43:43,200 --> 00:43:45,160 that's never been papped 866 00:43:45,200 --> 00:43:47,640 through a part of London that's never been papped, 867 00:43:47,680 --> 00:43:51,000 with his dinner date, historian Mary Beard... 868 00:43:51,040 --> 00:43:53,240 who hasn't been papped either. 869 00:43:55,640 --> 00:43:57,560 I'm absolutely delighted. 870 00:43:57,600 --> 00:43:59,600 This has made my month, this. 871 00:43:59,640 --> 00:44:03,320 Well... Well, thank you, that's very generous. 872 00:44:03,360 --> 00:44:06,600 James then tried to think of some interesting small talk. 873 00:44:14,560 --> 00:44:17,080 This has this handy piece of red in the steering wheel, 874 00:44:17,120 --> 00:44:20,000 so you know when you're going in a straight line, you see. 875 00:44:20,040 --> 00:44:22,880 (TUTS) They've thought of everything. 876 00:44:24,320 --> 00:44:26,120 JEREMY: Meanwhile, back in Chelsea... 877 00:44:27,520 --> 00:44:29,520 There's no paps. There's nobody here. 878 00:44:29,560 --> 00:44:31,480 -No. -There's no photographers. 879 00:44:34,280 --> 00:44:35,880 It's ridiculous. 880 00:44:35,920 --> 00:44:37,920 I'm always being photographed here. 881 00:44:37,960 --> 00:44:39,280 Look, here I am. 882 00:44:39,320 --> 00:44:41,320 And here I am. 883 00:44:41,360 --> 00:44:43,120 And here... Oh, she's just... 884 00:44:43,160 --> 00:44:45,080 She's just a friend from work. 885 00:44:46,880 --> 00:44:48,640 We should try having an argument. 886 00:44:48,680 --> 00:44:51,800 -I don't want to have an argument. -Well, I do, and you don't. 887 00:44:51,840 --> 00:44:54,000 So we're already having an argument. This is good. 888 00:44:54,040 --> 00:44:56,600 -I don't want an argument. -Just look a bit animated. 889 00:44:57,800 --> 00:44:59,520 JEREMY: Having parked his car, 890 00:44:59,560 --> 00:45:02,280 James was now in his favourite Indian restaurant, 891 00:45:02,320 --> 00:45:06,040 having a lesson in classical history. 892 00:45:06,080 --> 00:45:10,040 The idea of the bloke is that he is penetrating. 893 00:45:10,080 --> 00:45:15,160 To be a man is to be the penetrator. 894 00:45:15,200 --> 00:45:18,920 Every orifice he likes, sex wherever. 895 00:45:18,960 --> 00:45:21,000 I've got to say, this is not what I was expecting. 896 00:45:21,040 --> 00:45:24,160 I was thinking you'd give me some information about the shape of arches. 897 00:45:24,200 --> 00:45:26,120 Oh, well, we can go on to that. 898 00:45:26,160 --> 00:45:27,640 (SHE GRUNTS) 899 00:45:29,200 --> 00:45:31,200 So you've got to get that lined up. 900 00:45:31,240 --> 00:45:33,160 And then put the new ones in. 901 00:45:35,000 --> 00:45:37,000 What are you doing? You're not-- 902 00:45:37,040 --> 00:45:39,240 -I'm sorry, it's really greasy. -I know! 903 00:45:39,280 --> 00:45:43,520 This may have been just a puncture but it was proving to be big news. 904 00:45:43,560 --> 00:45:45,080 (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING) 905 00:45:47,360 --> 00:45:49,880 And that is how you change a wheel. 906 00:45:49,920 --> 00:45:51,840 If you ever have a puncture on a motorway, 907 00:45:51,880 --> 00:45:54,040 you're going to be so grateful for this moment. 908 00:45:54,080 --> 00:45:55,280 Lesson learned, Jeremy. 909 00:45:56,360 --> 00:45:57,680 With dinner over, 910 00:45:57,720 --> 00:45:59,960 the two most unpappable people in history 911 00:46:00,000 --> 00:46:02,800 were waiting to be papped. 912 00:46:02,840 --> 00:46:04,800 If we just stand here looking a bit sort of... 913 00:46:04,840 --> 00:46:06,840 -Embarrassed? -Well... 914 00:46:06,880 --> 00:46:08,360 Expectant? 915 00:46:08,400 --> 00:46:09,920 Somebody will come and take a picture of us. 916 00:46:23,000 --> 00:46:26,200 I've just had a thought. I don't want you to take this the wrong way, 917 00:46:26,240 --> 00:46:29,480 but actually the idea of this was to get the car in the paper. 918 00:46:29,520 --> 00:46:31,440 I should have parked it outside. 919 00:46:34,440 --> 00:46:36,360 (BELCHES) Excuse me. 920 00:46:45,520 --> 00:46:47,720 Wait a minute, there is... There's one. 921 00:46:47,760 --> 00:46:50,320 Don't point, don't look, but there's one over there. There he is. 922 00:46:50,360 --> 00:46:52,360 Pap, there. 923 00:46:52,400 --> 00:46:54,960 JEREMY: However, before any pictures were taken, 924 00:46:55,000 --> 00:46:58,680 May and I hatched a plan we'd been working on for years. 925 00:46:58,720 --> 00:47:00,240 Go. 926 00:47:09,360 --> 00:47:11,480 Oh, you bastards! 927 00:47:13,080 --> 00:47:14,960 That was my... 928 00:47:15,000 --> 00:47:16,720 Get in. 929 00:47:16,760 --> 00:47:18,680 (APPLAUSE) 930 00:47:24,080 --> 00:47:26,000 James, did... 931 00:47:26,040 --> 00:47:28,640 Did you burp in front of Mary Beard? 932 00:47:28,680 --> 00:47:31,080 I did. I'm sorry, it just fell out. I apologise. 933 00:47:31,120 --> 00:47:34,000 I know a lot of people will be thinking we engineered that. 934 00:47:34,040 --> 00:47:35,760 We really genuinely didn't. 935 00:47:35,800 --> 00:47:38,640 All you have to do to get papped when you're in our line of work 936 00:47:38,680 --> 00:47:41,520 is go into London, do something mildly out of the ordinary 937 00:47:41,560 --> 00:47:43,560 and then they swarm... not round you. 938 00:47:43,600 --> 00:47:46,800 Or get clattered and fall out of a club with no trousers on. 939 00:47:46,840 --> 00:47:49,120 -That's a good way of doing it. -Or catch pneumonia. 940 00:47:49,160 --> 00:47:50,760 Yes. 941 00:47:50,800 --> 00:47:53,880 I've had that a few times. Anyway, while we were waiting 942 00:47:53,920 --> 00:47:57,520 to see which of our antics got into The Mail Online, 943 00:47:57,560 --> 00:48:01,880 Mr Wilman came up with another youth-friendly idea. 944 00:48:01,920 --> 00:48:05,280 Yep, he said each of us had to take a picture of our car 945 00:48:05,320 --> 00:48:09,280 and then see which of us got the most likes of their snap on Instagram. 946 00:48:12,160 --> 00:48:13,840 JAMES: Having split up, 947 00:48:13,880 --> 00:48:15,800 we set to work on our respective plans. 948 00:48:17,040 --> 00:48:19,080 £50 is very reasonable, yeah. 949 00:48:20,480 --> 00:48:22,480 £50,000? 950 00:48:22,520 --> 00:48:24,520 Oh, right. 951 00:48:24,560 --> 00:48:26,560 Um... I'll ring you back in a bit. 952 00:48:26,600 --> 00:48:28,520 Yeah, cheers. 953 00:48:32,880 --> 00:48:37,120 My idea was to put me and the car in one of the pods of the famous London Eye 954 00:48:37,160 --> 00:48:39,760 so we could have a picture right at the top with a fantastic view. 955 00:48:39,800 --> 00:48:43,840 They want £50,000! I thought he meant 50 quid. 956 00:48:43,880 --> 00:48:46,480 Let's think of something else. 957 00:48:46,520 --> 00:48:49,480 RICHARD: I had done just that. 958 00:48:49,520 --> 00:48:51,640 For my Instagram picture, I'm not messing about. 959 00:48:51,680 --> 00:48:55,560 I've recruited a top photographer and I'm very excited, cos he's brilliant. 960 00:48:55,600 --> 00:48:57,520 Look at that. 961 00:49:00,000 --> 00:49:02,760 His name is David Yarrow. 962 00:49:02,800 --> 00:49:05,720 He's one of the world's greatest wildlife photographers. 963 00:49:05,760 --> 00:49:09,200 And his plan was to recreate this shot, 964 00:49:09,240 --> 00:49:12,280 using my car instead of the tiger. 965 00:49:13,640 --> 00:49:15,200 So I'm coming in... 966 00:49:15,240 --> 00:49:17,240 The most important thing is to have energy. 967 00:49:17,280 --> 00:49:19,280 It's got to be dynamic. 968 00:49:19,320 --> 00:49:23,360 And that means we need water flying up between me and the car. 969 00:49:23,400 --> 00:49:27,040 I want to be as close safety-wise as you'll allow me to be. 970 00:49:28,840 --> 00:49:31,200 Yeah, yeah. I've got your number. 971 00:49:31,240 --> 00:49:32,880 -OK. -(LAUGHS) 972 00:49:34,480 --> 00:49:35,840 JAMES: Back in London, 973 00:49:35,880 --> 00:49:37,880 I'd come up with a brilliant idea. 974 00:49:42,200 --> 00:49:43,360 Morning. 975 00:49:57,320 --> 00:49:58,480 Morning. 976 00:50:02,360 --> 00:50:04,680 Hiya. Put some clothes on. 977 00:50:06,440 --> 00:50:09,280 RICHARD: Eventually, my shot was in the can. 978 00:50:11,600 --> 00:50:12,720 Ach! 979 00:50:14,360 --> 00:50:16,120 As was May's. 980 00:50:18,120 --> 00:50:20,120 And so, after no work at all, 981 00:50:20,160 --> 00:50:22,080 was Jeremy's. 982 00:50:32,280 --> 00:50:36,960 Could... Could you have made any less effort with that challenge? 983 00:50:37,000 --> 00:50:38,880 No, you're right. 984 00:50:38,920 --> 00:50:41,720 I should have put a puppy in it, cos Instagram loves a dog. 985 00:50:41,760 --> 00:50:44,920 Anyone on Instagram, it's all just dogs, basically. 986 00:50:44,960 --> 00:50:46,960 Anyway, with our pictures posted on Instagram, 987 00:50:47,000 --> 00:50:49,000 we were all given another challenge, 988 00:50:49,040 --> 00:50:52,960 to see who could get the most views of their car on YouTube. 989 00:50:53,000 --> 00:50:55,240 Yeah, now, this is a tricky one. 990 00:50:55,280 --> 00:51:01,080 Because over 300 hours of footage are uploaded to YouTube every minute. 991 00:51:01,120 --> 00:51:03,160 You wouldn't think that many cats 992 00:51:03,200 --> 00:51:05,240 fell into waste disposal units. 993 00:51:05,280 --> 00:51:07,000 No, I know, you wouldn't. 994 00:51:07,040 --> 00:51:09,040 Seems they do. So we had to think of something special. 995 00:51:09,080 --> 00:51:13,040 How could we make our cars shine in this crowded firmament? 996 00:51:13,080 --> 00:51:14,720 Push them into a waste disposal unit? 997 00:51:14,760 --> 00:51:16,280 I think that's got to be it. 998 00:51:16,320 --> 00:51:19,080 Or what I did to get my Ford noticed, 999 00:51:19,120 --> 00:51:21,600 I decided to stage a big stunt. 1000 00:51:23,800 --> 00:51:25,760 In order to make my first stunt video, 1001 00:51:25,800 --> 00:51:29,760 I went to a very long runway. 1002 00:51:29,800 --> 00:51:32,920 And once my star performer had warmed up... 1003 00:51:34,520 --> 00:51:36,240 ...we were ready to roll. 1004 00:51:39,960 --> 00:51:41,840 Today history is being made. 1005 00:51:44,800 --> 00:51:46,120 Good luck. 1006 00:51:55,680 --> 00:51:56,920 Oh. 1007 00:51:56,960 --> 00:51:58,240 I can't watch. 1008 00:52:08,560 --> 00:52:10,720 Yes! (LAUGHS) 1009 00:52:10,760 --> 00:52:15,320 We are gonna break the internet with that! 1010 00:52:15,360 --> 00:52:19,680 Meanwhile, James had gone for a rather different approach. 1011 00:52:19,720 --> 00:52:22,360 If you go on YouTube, which I do quite a lot, 1012 00:52:22,400 --> 00:52:25,040 you will notice that something that's very popular with so-called millennials 1013 00:52:25,080 --> 00:52:27,080 is the unboxing video. 1014 00:52:27,120 --> 00:52:30,880 It's usually something like an idle student with nothing better to do 1015 00:52:30,920 --> 00:52:33,200 simply taking something they've bought out of the box 1016 00:52:33,240 --> 00:52:34,880 and talking about it. 1017 00:52:34,920 --> 00:52:37,880 Hey, what's going on? The delivery guy's just left. 1018 00:52:37,920 --> 00:52:41,000 Got it here and I haven't even taken it out of the box yet. I got-- 1019 00:52:41,040 --> 00:52:44,960 This bloke is unboxing a new television set he's bought. 1020 00:52:45,000 --> 00:52:47,000 You guys ready? 1021 00:52:47,040 --> 00:52:48,960 Whoa! 1022 00:52:50,960 --> 00:52:52,760 Look how many hits it's got. 1023 00:52:52,800 --> 00:52:55,280 The stand is not mounted on it, 1024 00:52:55,320 --> 00:52:56,880 you have to put that on later. 1025 00:53:01,880 --> 00:53:03,600 Hi, guys, it's May! 1026 00:53:03,640 --> 00:53:06,560 Welcome, brothers and sisters to my latest unboxing video. 1027 00:53:06,600 --> 00:53:09,000 And this is a big one. It's a car. 1028 00:53:09,040 --> 00:53:11,880 -(ADHESIVE TAPE RIPPING) -Ohh! 1029 00:53:16,800 --> 00:53:18,000 Oh, yes. 1030 00:53:20,080 --> 00:53:22,120 Look how clean that is. 1031 00:53:23,960 --> 00:53:25,560 Meanwhile, Jeremy had decided 1032 00:53:25,600 --> 00:53:28,000 to create a Fast Show -style character 1033 00:53:28,040 --> 00:53:29,960 called David Soufflé. 1034 00:53:31,200 --> 00:53:33,120 (FRENCH-STYLE ACCORDION MUSIC) 1035 00:53:41,320 --> 00:53:42,960 (SIRENS BLARE IN DISTANCE) 1036 00:53:59,480 --> 00:54:01,400 (ACCORDION PLAYS) 1037 00:54:04,040 --> 00:54:05,720 RICHARD: Back at the airfield, 1038 00:54:05,760 --> 00:54:07,640 my next stunt was ready. 1039 00:54:07,680 --> 00:54:09,680 Right, now, down there is a man. 1040 00:54:09,720 --> 00:54:12,160 I don't know his name but it doesn't matter, 1041 00:54:12,200 --> 00:54:14,120 because in a moment I'm gonna run him over. 1042 00:54:14,160 --> 00:54:16,080 (ENGINE REVVING) 1043 00:54:18,160 --> 00:54:19,320 And here we go. 1044 00:54:22,200 --> 00:54:25,080 Yes! Didn't kill a man! 1045 00:54:30,920 --> 00:54:32,680 Ooh, I like that a lot. 1046 00:54:39,680 --> 00:54:41,160 (CHUCKLES) 1047 00:54:58,680 --> 00:55:00,600 (ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS) 1048 00:55:03,240 --> 00:55:04,880 (CLATTERING) 1049 00:55:04,920 --> 00:55:07,920 "At Toyota, we want to do all we can 1050 00:55:07,960 --> 00:55:12,400 to ensure that things go smoothly when you are driving your vehicle. 1051 00:55:12,440 --> 00:55:14,840 Whether you are in your own country or travelling abroad, 1052 00:55:14,880 --> 00:55:16,960 you are welcome to contact us if you think..." 1053 00:55:39,200 --> 00:55:41,120 (ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS) 1054 00:55:44,480 --> 00:55:48,840 RICHARD: Meanwhile, I was ready for my final stunt - 1055 00:55:48,880 --> 00:55:53,080 using my car to get a man in a boat across a lake. 1056 00:55:55,760 --> 00:55:59,400 I've no idea what's gonna happen here in terms of limb breakages. 1057 00:55:59,440 --> 00:56:01,600 So I'm using an office junior to do it. 1058 00:56:01,640 --> 00:56:04,880 He's cheap, obedient and expendable - 1059 00:56:04,920 --> 00:56:07,360 the key ingredients for stuff like this. 1060 00:56:07,400 --> 00:56:09,680 So let's make him a YouTube star. 1061 00:56:12,880 --> 00:56:15,120 OK, now using science and maths, 1062 00:56:15,160 --> 00:56:17,560 I have calculated that 30 miles an hour 1063 00:56:17,600 --> 00:56:19,960 is the correct speed to do this. 1064 00:56:22,480 --> 00:56:24,400 Here we go. Launching! 1065 00:56:27,440 --> 00:56:29,360 Come on, little fella. 1066 00:56:33,680 --> 00:56:34,880 Whoo! 1067 00:56:34,920 --> 00:56:37,160 Glorious! Well done! 1068 00:56:37,200 --> 00:56:39,200 You can have Christmas Day off! 1069 00:56:39,240 --> 00:56:40,840 (APPLAUSE) 1070 00:56:40,880 --> 00:56:42,560 That was an impressive stunt. 1071 00:56:42,600 --> 00:56:44,280 Pretty cool, yeah. I was pleased with that. 1072 00:56:44,320 --> 00:56:46,560 How's his therapy working out? 1073 00:56:46,600 --> 00:56:48,280 He's getting over it. 1074 00:56:48,320 --> 00:56:51,120 OK, what we've got here is the scoreboard 1075 00:56:51,160 --> 00:56:54,520 that will help us determine which is the best of the small hot hatches. 1076 00:56:54,560 --> 00:56:58,160 We've already filled in the scores for price, the pursuit race and the drag race. 1077 00:56:58,200 --> 00:57:00,160 Now we've got the paparazzi thing. 1078 00:57:00,200 --> 00:57:02,200 Hammond, how did you get on? 1079 00:57:02,240 --> 00:57:04,600 You two put the "pap in a bag", didn't you? 1080 00:57:04,640 --> 00:57:07,280 We did, but actually we should sell those bags to celebrities. 1081 00:57:07,320 --> 00:57:09,320 We should, cos they're rather clever. 1082 00:57:09,360 --> 00:57:11,680 You pull a drawstring, and not only can't you take any pictures, 1083 00:57:11,720 --> 00:57:13,360 you can't get out of the car. 1084 00:57:13,400 --> 00:57:16,040 -It's also technically false imprisonment. -Yes. 1085 00:57:16,080 --> 00:57:18,520 -And therefore illegal. -So's trapping a wasp in a jam jar. 1086 00:57:18,560 --> 00:57:20,040 Nobody complains about that, do they? 1087 00:57:20,080 --> 00:57:22,120 Well, anyway, it didn't work. 1088 00:57:22,160 --> 00:57:24,560 Obviously there must have been another pap we didn't spot, 1089 00:57:24,600 --> 00:57:26,680 because this picture appeared. 1090 00:57:27,760 --> 00:57:29,400 Ha-ha! A-ha-ha-ha! 1091 00:57:29,440 --> 00:57:31,600 JAMES: No, no, no, no, no. Wait a minute. 1092 00:57:31,640 --> 00:57:34,440 The rule said it had to have the car in it. 1093 00:57:34,480 --> 00:57:36,600 And I don't see the car in that picture. 1094 00:57:36,640 --> 00:57:38,400 It also said Mail Online. 1095 00:57:38,440 --> 00:57:41,480 I'm guessing - there's some evidence to suggest that is The Sun. 1096 00:57:41,520 --> 00:57:43,400 (LAUGHTER) 1097 00:57:43,440 --> 00:57:45,440 RICHARD: I hoped you wouldn't spot that. -We did. 1098 00:57:45,480 --> 00:57:46,800 I didn't do very well. 1099 00:57:46,840 --> 00:57:49,640 I think that gives you a zero, Hammond. 1100 00:57:49,680 --> 00:57:51,080 So you get a zero. 1101 00:57:51,120 --> 00:57:53,120 Now, James May, how did you get on, 1102 00:57:53,160 --> 00:57:56,440 taking the older woman out for a curry in Hammersmith 1103 00:57:56,480 --> 00:57:58,880 and then parking your car in an underground car park? 1104 00:57:58,920 --> 00:58:01,080 -Not that well, actually. RICHARD: How not that well? 1105 00:58:01,120 --> 00:58:04,520 -Nought, not that well. -Not a single thing? 1106 00:58:04,560 --> 00:58:06,640 -My plan was rather successful. -Was it? 1107 00:58:06,680 --> 00:58:11,640 49 pictures appeared, of my car and me and Binky in The Mail Online. 1108 00:58:11,680 --> 00:58:13,680 -49? -49 pictures. 1109 00:58:13,720 --> 00:58:17,120 Hang on a minute. 49 pictures of a fat old bloke 1110 00:58:17,160 --> 00:58:19,560 and a young girl I've never heard of changing a wheel? 1111 00:58:19,600 --> 00:58:21,600 I know. And the extraordinary thing is, 1112 00:58:21,640 --> 00:58:23,640 I'd like to show you the 49 pictures 1113 00:58:23,680 --> 00:58:27,080 but I got in touch with The Mail Online yesterday, OK, 1114 00:58:27,120 --> 00:58:28,720 to say, "Can we have the pictures?" 1115 00:58:28,760 --> 00:58:31,280 Do you want to know how much they were gonna charge? 1116 00:58:31,320 --> 00:58:34,160 £122,000. 1117 00:58:34,200 --> 00:58:35,760 -What? -Really? 1118 00:58:35,800 --> 00:58:38,920 I kid you not. They take a picture of me, ruin my life, 1119 00:58:38,960 --> 00:58:42,000 and then for me to buy the picture back 1120 00:58:42,040 --> 00:58:45,600 is £122,000! 1121 00:58:45,640 --> 00:58:48,000 There are 49 pictures on here of you. 1122 00:58:48,040 --> 00:58:51,440 Don't show the cameras, otherwise there'll be a bill for 120 grand. 1123 00:58:51,480 --> 00:58:54,480 -But the good thing is... -Exactly. Because of that, you score 49. 1124 00:58:54,520 --> 00:58:56,600 Yes, I'm afraid he does. There's no getting around that. 1125 00:58:56,640 --> 00:58:59,600 Yes, I do. Which moves us on to Instagram. 1126 00:58:59,640 --> 00:59:02,520 James May, how did you do with your picture on the bus? 1127 00:59:02,560 --> 00:59:03,960 I scored nought. 1128 00:59:04,000 --> 00:59:05,720 -Nought? -Yeah. 1129 00:59:05,760 --> 00:59:08,040 -How did you get nought? -Well, it's quite interesting. 1130 00:59:08,080 --> 00:59:11,040 I didn't have an Instagram account so I set one up. 1131 00:59:11,080 --> 00:59:13,400 -There's a surprise. -No, but I set one up. 1132 00:59:13,440 --> 00:59:15,120 And then as I was setting it up, I realised 1133 00:59:15,160 --> 00:59:18,080 there was someone else on Instagram pretending to be me. 1134 00:59:18,120 --> 00:59:21,720 So I filled in that reporting thing that pulls down and I sent it off. 1135 00:59:21,760 --> 00:59:25,480 All credit to Instagram, they reacted very quickly - by that afternoon, in fact. 1136 00:59:25,520 --> 00:59:27,120 And they shut me down. 1137 00:59:27,160 --> 00:59:28,640 -(LAUGHTER) -You? 1138 00:59:28,680 --> 00:59:30,840 Yeah, they didn't shut down the fake James May. 1139 00:59:30,880 --> 00:59:32,560 They shut the real one down. 1140 00:59:32,600 --> 00:59:34,600 -They killed the wrong James May? -Yeah. 1141 00:59:34,640 --> 00:59:36,520 That's quite interesting. What's interesting me, though, 1142 00:59:36,560 --> 00:59:39,480 is that there's a man somewhere out in the world, or woman, 1143 00:59:39,520 --> 00:59:42,440 who's thought, "I could pretend to be anyone I like. 1144 00:59:42,480 --> 00:59:44,480 I shall pretend to be James May." 1145 00:59:44,520 --> 00:59:46,200 -I know. RICHARD: Not very ambitious! 1146 00:59:46,240 --> 00:59:48,040 Why wouldn't you be George Clooney? 1147 00:59:48,080 --> 00:59:50,520 Anyway, the net result of that, as they say in the army, 1148 00:59:50,560 --> 00:59:52,600 is that I have...nought. 1149 00:59:52,640 --> 00:59:55,560 -You're doing very well! -I've got one, yeah. 1150 00:59:55,600 --> 00:59:57,960 So, Hammond, how did you get on? 1151 00:59:58,000 --> 01:00:01,160 Well, my picture was brilliant. Look at it. 1152 01:00:01,200 --> 01:00:03,200 Look at that! 1153 01:00:03,240 --> 01:00:06,240 JEREMY: No, apart from the slogan with the sexual intercourse enthusiast, 1154 01:00:06,280 --> 01:00:08,280 that is an amazing photograph, granted. 1155 01:00:08,320 --> 01:00:12,240 So how many people have viewed it and liked it on Instagram? 1156 01:00:13,320 --> 01:00:14,600 Nine. 1157 01:00:14,640 --> 01:00:15,920 (LAUGHTER) 1158 01:00:15,960 --> 01:00:17,960 -They blocked you as well? -Nine. No. 1159 01:00:18,000 --> 01:00:21,040 I don't really do Instagram, so I don't have many followers. 1160 01:00:21,080 --> 01:00:23,080 So only nine people have seen it. 1161 01:00:23,120 --> 01:00:25,680 Oh, dear, cos I got 54,000. 1162 01:00:25,720 --> 01:00:27,680 Oh, for God's sake! 1163 01:00:27,720 --> 01:00:29,640 Yes, but you do do Instagram! 1164 01:00:29,680 --> 01:00:31,560 -Yes, I do. -So you got lots of followers. 1165 01:00:31,600 --> 01:00:33,200 Put in 54,000. 1166 01:00:33,240 --> 01:00:35,320 Let's look at this in a more positive light, Hammond. 1167 01:00:35,360 --> 01:00:39,240 -He has got 1.6 million Instagram followers. -Yes. 1168 01:00:39,280 --> 01:00:42,880 So 1.46 million people actively didn't like his picture. 1169 01:00:42,920 --> 01:00:44,560 -That's another way of looking at it. -Loser! 1170 01:00:44,600 --> 01:00:47,320 It wasn't my best work, I admit. It was a hurried shot. 1171 01:00:47,360 --> 01:00:49,080 -What was it? -54,000. 1172 01:00:49,120 --> 01:00:51,840 RICHARD: That does change the score line a bit. 1173 01:00:51,880 --> 01:00:55,520 It changes the score line a lot, cos I'm now on 54,053. 1174 01:00:55,560 --> 01:00:58,560 -Right, OK. -And you're on one. 1175 01:00:58,600 --> 01:01:01,400 Anyway, I also... It gets worse, I'm afraid, for you two. 1176 01:01:01,440 --> 01:01:04,640 Because YouTube. I didn't add them all up, 1177 01:01:04,680 --> 01:01:08,120 but my first David Soufflé video on YouTube... 1178 01:01:08,160 --> 01:01:13,000 -266,000 views. RICHARD: Oh, God. 1179 01:01:13,040 --> 01:01:15,480 More than a quarter of a million people. 1180 01:01:21,960 --> 01:01:23,520 You are ahead now. 1181 01:01:23,560 --> 01:01:27,480 Yes, I'm...comfortably in the lead, I would say. 1182 01:01:27,520 --> 01:01:29,520 So, come on, Hammond? 1183 01:01:29,560 --> 01:01:31,560 16,800. 1184 01:01:31,600 --> 01:01:33,200 What, for all that effort? 1185 01:01:33,240 --> 01:01:35,240 I know! I don't get it either. 1186 01:01:35,280 --> 01:01:37,440 Because I gave it a really cool, tempting caption. 1187 01:01:37,480 --> 01:01:38,760 It said... 1188 01:01:38,800 --> 01:01:40,720 (HE READS) 1189 01:01:45,360 --> 01:01:47,160 Who doesn't want to look at that? 1190 01:01:47,200 --> 01:01:48,560 You actually put that as the caption? 1191 01:01:48,600 --> 01:01:49,840 That's what it said, it's clickbait. 1192 01:01:49,880 --> 01:01:51,560 Then the YouTube millennials thought, 1193 01:01:51,600 --> 01:01:53,120 "No, I'd rather watch a cat going..."? 1194 01:01:53,160 --> 01:01:54,400 -They must have done. -That's ridiculous. 1195 01:01:54,440 --> 01:01:55,960 I'm sorry, that is pathetic. 1196 01:01:56,000 --> 01:01:58,600 Young people, you're pathetic. 1197 01:01:58,640 --> 01:02:00,800 Right, so, there we are, those are the scores. 1198 01:02:00,840 --> 01:02:02,680 -You're out. -Yes. 1199 01:02:02,720 --> 01:02:04,720 And, James, I'm looking and I'm thinking, 1200 01:02:04,760 --> 01:02:06,760 just doing quick adding up... 1201 01:02:06,800 --> 01:02:09,360 Unless you manage to find 1202 01:02:09,400 --> 01:02:12,200 325,000 people 1203 01:02:12,240 --> 01:02:15,080 who are prepared to spend 16 minutes... 1204 01:02:15,120 --> 01:02:17,600 Cos that's how long that unboxing video was. 1205 01:02:17,640 --> 01:02:21,880 ...16 minutes watching you taking a small Toyota hatchback 1206 01:02:21,920 --> 01:02:24,440 out of a cardboard box, I've won. 1207 01:02:24,480 --> 01:02:25,560 -Yes. -So? 1208 01:02:26,640 --> 01:02:28,560 (SIGHS) 330... 1209 01:02:31,160 --> 01:02:33,080 ...thousand! 1210 01:02:33,120 --> 01:02:35,240 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 1211 01:02:36,800 --> 01:02:38,320 (WHOOPING) 1212 01:02:42,280 --> 01:02:44,280 For taking a car out of a box? 1213 01:02:44,320 --> 01:02:46,320 Oh, he's doing the dance. 1214 01:02:46,360 --> 01:02:49,080 How does he always manage to win? 1215 01:02:49,120 --> 01:02:51,760 I think on this occasion it was partly because 1216 01:02:51,800 --> 01:02:55,680 you tried to appeal to millennials by creating a Fast Show type character 1217 01:02:55,720 --> 01:02:58,480 when nobody under 40 has ever heard of The Fast Show. 1218 01:02:58,520 --> 01:03:02,040 Right. You might as well have done the comedy adventures of Neville Chamberlain in 1939. 1219 01:03:02,080 --> 01:03:03,640 That would have been better. 1220 01:03:03,680 --> 01:03:07,000 So because there are more people who'd rather watch 1221 01:03:07,040 --> 01:03:09,320 an old man take a small car out of a box, 1222 01:03:09,360 --> 01:03:14,280 than watch him endangering an office junior or me wearing a moustache, 1223 01:03:14,320 --> 01:03:19,200 we have to deduce that the best of the small hot hatchbacks 1224 01:03:19,240 --> 01:03:21,240 is comfortably the worst. 1225 01:03:21,280 --> 01:03:23,320 Yeah, that is our conclusion. 1226 01:03:23,360 --> 01:03:25,320 And on that terrible disappointment, it's time to end. 1227 01:03:25,360 --> 01:03:27,560 Thank you so much for watching, see you next time. Goodbye!