1 00:00:07,680 --> 00:00:09,680 (BIRDSONG) 2 00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:16,400 Hello and welcome to the sweat box... 3 00:00:16,440 --> 00:00:18,440 that is Cambodia. 4 00:00:18,480 --> 00:00:20,320 (HORNS BEEPING) 5 00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:39,760 (ENGINE REVVING) 6 00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:41,840 (TRAIN WHISTLE BLASTS) 7 00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:52,280 Now, there are many ways we could get across this fascinating country. 8 00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:55,320 We could use horses or tuk-tuks or tractors. 9 00:00:55,360 --> 00:00:59,480 But Mr Wilman decided we should meet at this very spot 10 00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:01,320 with three boats. 11 00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:05,040 And that hasn't gone down very well with my colleagues. 12 00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:06,680 -No. -There we go. 13 00:01:06,720 --> 00:01:09,360 Because I hate... I'm from Birmingham, I've explained. 14 00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:12,200 Which is as far as you can get from the sea in the UK-- 15 00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:13,560 -Full of canals! -We don't do boats. 16 00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:15,560 People from Birmingham are always saying, 17 00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:17,400 "It's the Venice of the North," 18 00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:20,080 like Venetians always say, "We live in the Birmingham of the South." 19 00:01:20,120 --> 00:01:21,920 Canals are just for moving coal around. 20 00:01:21,920 --> 00:01:23,520 I don't want to do that either. 21 00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:26,800 I'm from Birmingham, I don't ski and I don't do boats. End of. 22 00:01:26,840 --> 00:01:28,520 -I signed up for a car show. -Yes. 23 00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:32,000 Not cookery, not restoring frescoes and not boats. 24 00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:35,160 -I don't like boats. You can't trust a boat. -That's exactly the right word. 25 00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:38,600 You can't trust any vehicle that isn't necessarily where it was when you last parked it. 26 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:41,080 Problem No.1. They can sink. Cars can't do that. 27 00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:42,880 -What are the viewers gonna think? -What? 28 00:01:42,920 --> 00:01:44,880 What if you turned on Jamie Oliver, 29 00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:46,200 you thought, "I love that cooking show... 30 00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:48,600 Oh, he's doing some watercolor painting." 31 00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:51,760 -We did it in lorries-- -Lorries are vehicles. They go on the road. 32 00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:54,680 -We've been on horses. -Oh, that went well! 33 00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:58,600 Anyway, listen, let's not get bogged down with your prejudices. 34 00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:02,560 Because the challenge is actually quite simple. 35 00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:06,080 We are here, yes, near Siem Reap in the north of Cambodia. 36 00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:09,400 And we've got to use all these waterways, well, not all of them... 37 00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:11,440 we've got to find a path through them, 38 00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:15,040 to Vung Tau, which is at the bottom of the Mekong Delta, 39 00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:17,080 in Vietnam. 40 00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:20,720 There is, however, one small problem. 41 00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:29,800 RICHARD: As I've said, I'm no expert on boats and boating. 42 00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:33,400 -But...there's no water. JEREMY: No, there isn't. 43 00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:36,560 Is that pontoon thing there, is that where Mr Wilman thought we should meet? 44 00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:39,240 -JEREMY: Yes, in a field. -JAMES: He's a half-wit, isn't he? 45 00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:41,240 Anyway, the problem is... 46 00:02:41,280 --> 00:02:43,880 there isn't enough water in there to drown a witch. 47 00:02:43,880 --> 00:02:45,160 RICHARD: No. 48 00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:46,800 So, why don't we get some wheels 49 00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:48,160 and go and find some water 50 00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:49,320 and then we'll launch our boats there? 51 00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:50,640 Right. 52 00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:53,280 JEREMY: Having found some wheels, 53 00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:54,880 we began our search. 54 00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:02,320 Oh, how the mighty are fallen. 55 00:03:02,360 --> 00:03:03,840 (RICHARD CHUCKLES) 56 00:03:03,880 --> 00:03:05,880 JAMES: We are in tune with the times, though. 57 00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:07,920 Exactly right. Exactly right. 58 00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:10,440 There is global warming, there is climate change. 59 00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:12,760 And if you hosted a car show now, 60 00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:14,920 I think you'd feel foolish. 61 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:16,960 -(HORN TOOTS) -Bloody car, you maniac! 62 00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:19,000 What's up with you, you lunatic? 63 00:03:19,040 --> 00:03:21,480 -You selfish maniac! -Hit him! Hit the car! 64 00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:22,960 Mad man! 65 00:03:24,440 --> 00:03:26,440 JEREMY: Several exhausting miles later, 66 00:03:26,480 --> 00:03:29,720 the river was still depressingly empty. 67 00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:33,160 The problem we've got is it's June 68 00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:36,440 and it's supposed to be raining here, really raining, 69 00:03:36,480 --> 00:03:39,760 pouring down constantly. 70 00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:41,800 And it isn't. And it hasn't for months. 71 00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:45,680 And when we reached a fishing village, 72 00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:49,280 the scale of the issue became clear. 73 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:52,400 These houses, as you can see, are on stilts 74 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:54,800 because that's where the river should be. 75 00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:57,680 Just stop here. Look. 76 00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:01,440 That's where the water level is. 77 00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:03,480 JAMES: That's incredibly gone, isn't it? 78 00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:08,240 JEREMY: And it's not just climate change that's to blame, 79 00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:10,520 because there's another problem. 80 00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:14,400 China. They've dammed the river 81 00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:15,880 that feeds all the water systems round here. 82 00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:17,920 How much sense does that make, sitting here, 83 00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:20,480 in your house on stilts with no water around it, 84 00:04:20,520 --> 00:04:22,720 to learn that the Chinese have nicked all your water? 85 00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:24,760 A funny world, isn't it? 86 00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:26,800 The really funny thing is, 87 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:29,480 China builds a coal-fired power station every 20 minutes or something 88 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:31,160 and everyone shouts at them, saying, 89 00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:32,920 "Oh, you're killing the planet." 90 00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:35,240 When they build a clean, green, hydro-electric dam, 91 00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:37,680 everyone shouts at them, saying, "Now, look, you're killing the planet!" 92 00:04:37,720 --> 00:04:40,640 Well, it'd be nice if they could do it without nicking somebody else's water. 93 00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:44,360 JEREMY: Eventually, though, we found a lake. 94 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:46,360 -Oh, look at that! -Hello. 95 00:04:49,520 --> 00:04:53,200 But as we launched our boats and headed for a nearby pontoon... 96 00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:56,720 ...the rainy season arrived... 97 00:04:56,760 --> 00:04:58,600 with a vengeance. 98 00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:00,480 (THUNDER CRASHES) 99 00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:07,720 God above! 100 00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:13,920 Erm...I don't know how to park a boat. 101 00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:15,560 I'm not gonna lie. 102 00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:17,600 Trying to park. 103 00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:21,720 -(SCRAPING AND CRASHING) -Ooh! How do I stop it? 104 00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:24,240 Having another attempt. 105 00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:26,200 Wait a minute, my engines are... 106 00:05:26,240 --> 00:05:27,640 Oh, no, that one. 107 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:29,920 -(HEAVY THUD) -Yeah. 108 00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:31,600 I think that went well. 109 00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:33,160 Right. 110 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:35,200 Stop moving around! 111 00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:37,080 I've parked you! 112 00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:41,240 Well, I was gonna leap from my boat and say, 113 00:05:41,280 --> 00:05:43,800 "And fresh from Miami Vice... 114 00:05:44,840 --> 00:05:46,640 a boat." 115 00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:48,840 It's pointy, which means it's a fast boat. 116 00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:50,640 Oh, I've got my leg caught. 117 00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:54,680 At this point, Jeremy emerged from the gloom. 118 00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:58,040 And as he's the only qualified boat driver on the team, 119 00:05:58,080 --> 00:06:00,760 I was expecting a smoother arrival. 120 00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:02,480 JEREMY: Here we go. 121 00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:04,040 Parking a PBR. 122 00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:09,720 (CRUNCHING AND GRINDING) 123 00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:11,760 -Argh! -No, no, no! 124 00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:13,960 Oh, brilliant! 125 00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:16,520 It's really windy! I'm backing in. 126 00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:19,960 Oh, no, that's... 127 00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:22,000 -(HEAVY THUD) -Totally uncontrollable. 128 00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:24,360 This is better, this angle. 129 00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:29,200 -Argh! -(HEAVY THUD) 130 00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:32,000 -OK. -Could you help and get that rope? 131 00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:35,400 Can you pull me along? 132 00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:37,440 Please pull me along! 133 00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:41,680 This is no time for cocking about! 134 00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:43,720 This is dangerous work we're doing! 135 00:06:43,760 --> 00:06:45,440 (HEAVY THUD) 136 00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:48,560 I'm glad you got here cos I think it looks like rain. 137 00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:50,400 (THUNDER CRASHES) 138 00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:53,120 (BLEEP) me! 139 00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:55,480 -Erm... -What? 140 00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:57,680 Isn't that like the boat out of Apocalypse Now? 141 00:06:57,720 --> 00:07:00,400 Exactly what it is, PBR - Patrol Boat, River. 142 00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:02,160 -Mark II. -Yeah. 143 00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:05,040 Is that entirely tactful? We're going to Vietnam. 144 00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:08,360 -You can't drive that around! -You can! Because... 145 00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:11,640 You probably don't know this, but... Vietnam won. 146 00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:15,400 So driving that through Vietnam 147 00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:18,320 is like walking through Old Trafford, which is where Manchester United play, 148 00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:20,160 in a Charlton Athletic shirt. 149 00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:22,200 It doesn't matter, cos you're a loser. 150 00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:23,560 They don't mind. 151 00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:25,400 You believe that? 152 00:07:25,440 --> 00:07:27,080 Is that... Is that a Scarab? 153 00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:28,640 RICHARD: Yeah. 154 00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:30,480 Hammond, you have accidentally chosen 155 00:07:30,520 --> 00:07:32,280 -quite a good boat... -Have I? 156 00:07:32,320 --> 00:07:35,440 ...if you were on the inter-coastal waterway in Miami. 157 00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:36,880 You see, that's cool. 158 00:07:36,920 --> 00:07:38,920 I've got two V8s in that. 159 00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:42,400 -I've got two V8s in there. -How many horsepower? 160 00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:47,080 850 in total, 425 per engine. 161 00:07:47,120 --> 00:07:49,120 -It's too much. -What have you got? 162 00:07:49,160 --> 00:07:52,000 350 a side. I've got 700 in total. 163 00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:54,480 -850. -Yeah, but that's better. 164 00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:55,880 It's not. 165 00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:57,400 What do you think May will have? 166 00:07:57,440 --> 00:07:59,640 -Some. -Probably, with a bit of luck. 167 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:03,240 JEREMY: Soon, his late arrival was explained. 168 00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:05,880 He'd come from the 18th century. 169 00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:11,520 RICHARD: Look at that! 170 00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:13,360 That's the world's least appropriate thing! 171 00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:15,400 JEREMY: What was he thinking of? 172 00:08:15,440 --> 00:08:17,240 How old is that thing? 173 00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:19,080 James? About 60. 174 00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:21,280 You ready with this rope? 175 00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:23,840 Hang on, it's going backwards. 176 00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:25,880 Why's it doing that? 177 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:28,960 He is absolutely hopeless. 178 00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:30,320 (ENGINE REVS) 179 00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:32,960 He's got one knob and one wheel. 180 00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:36,920 Oh, here he comes. 181 00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:38,960 He's trying a new technique here. 182 00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:40,880 He's broken his flagpole. 183 00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:42,200 (THUNDER CRASHES) 184 00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:43,720 -James? -Yes? 185 00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:47,480 That's the most inappropriate thing I've ever seen. 186 00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:48,880 What do you mean? 187 00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:52,360 Well, it's entirely not designed for where we are. 188 00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:53,840 It's a river boat. 189 00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:55,640 -We're on a lake. -It's a pleasure craft. 190 00:08:55,720 --> 00:08:57,200 But we're gonna be on rivers. 191 00:08:57,240 --> 00:08:59,760 And it's only a gentle lake. It's not stormy or anything. 192 00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:01,160 Really? 193 00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:03,600 -Have you got a big V8? -No, of course I haven't. 194 00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:05,880 JEREMY: What is it? -It's a four-cylinder diesel. 195 00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:07,960 -Power? -Yes? 196 00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:10,000 (CLEARS THROAT) 197 00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:13,120 99 horsepower. 198 00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:16,120 -When was your boat built? -1939. 199 00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:19,000 -Sorry...it's 80 years old? -Yes. 200 00:09:19,040 --> 00:09:21,280 -It's 80? -It's older than the Battle of Britain. 201 00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:22,760 RICHARD: So it's an antique. 202 00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:24,280 JAMES: It is an antique, yes. 203 00:09:24,320 --> 00:09:26,480 RICHARD: You're sailing in a sideboard. JAMES: Pretty much. 204 00:09:26,520 --> 00:09:28,880 -How much was it? -£16,000, inc-- 205 00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:31,000 What? You paid 16 for that? 206 00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:34,600 That's chea... That's a Ford Focus. And it's got a new engine in it. 207 00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:38,360 Is that vulgar-looking thing that I don't even want to look at yours? 208 00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:39,880 -Yeah. -How much was that? 209 00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:41,760 -Er, 23. -(SPLUTTERS) 210 00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:43,200 -Really? JEREMY: That's reasonable. 211 00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:44,840 That's how much boats cost. 212 00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:46,760 -£23,000? -Yes. 213 00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:48,840 -How much was that? -What, the PBR? 214 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:50,760 Mine, how much was it? 215 00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:52,840 -It's, er...(MUMBLES) -What? 216 00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:54,520 -(MUMBLES) -How much? 217 00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:57,280 100,000. 218 00:09:57,320 --> 00:09:58,640 -$100,000? -100,000 what? 219 00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:00,720 -No, pounds. -£100,000? 220 00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:03,840 -Yes, it was. -You spent 100 grand on that? 221 00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:05,280 Mm-hm. 222 00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:06,880 But it's... 223 00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:08,640 Is that because of its provenance? 224 00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:10,200 No, I had to build it. 225 00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:11,760 -What, it's not real? -No. 226 00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:13,720 Hold on, hold on. 227 00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:15,280 It's incredibly complicated. 228 00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:17,960 They had to find the original designs of the original hull, 229 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:21,040 work out where the engines went, why it's mid-engined... 230 00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:24,320 It was an immensely complicated thing to do and I've done it. 231 00:10:24,360 --> 00:10:27,480 And I bought a little bit of history, at great expense, 232 00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:29,120 back to Southeast Asia. 233 00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:31,520 It's a fake, though. That's essentially a kit car. 234 00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:34,520 Is it based on the chassis of a Beetle or a Triumph Herald? 235 00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:36,960 -It's a purpose-made chassis. -A two-litre Pinto engine. -Yes, exactly. 236 00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:39,000 It's a purpose-made chassis. 237 00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:40,600 And a brand-new engine. 238 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,520 100 grand on a... 239 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:45,000 What we've got here... Can we do some car stuff? 240 00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:46,840 What we've got is a Corvette, definitely. 241 00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:48,600 That is a Corvette. Nothing wrong with them. 242 00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:49,960 RICHARD: Big engine, inexpensive. 243 00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:51,440 JEREMY: Yes, plastic and inexpensive. 244 00:10:51,480 --> 00:10:55,160 A Mercedes G Wagon, which it is...and a Rover 90. 245 00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:57,360 RICHARD: Yeah, I'll actually go with that. 246 00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:59,520 I've just thought of something. 247 00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:01,280 I haven't christened my boat. 248 00:11:02,560 --> 00:11:06,360 So I quickly organised an official ceremony. 249 00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:09,800 May God bless this ship and all who sail in her. 250 00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:12,400 (CLATTERING) 251 00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:16,280 JAMES: That's what it's like when the Queen does it. 252 00:11:16,320 --> 00:11:17,520 (RICHARD SNIGGERS) 253 00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:19,920 I've now got a bottle of wine on my boat, 254 00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:21,480 which is called Du Ma, by the way. 255 00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:23,640 -Is it? -Yeah, means "boat machine". 256 00:11:25,680 --> 00:11:27,320 (ENGINE STARTS) 257 00:11:27,360 --> 00:11:29,000 JEREMY: With the christening ceremony complete 258 00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:30,920 and the rainy season over, 259 00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:35,560 it was time to begin our epic 500-mile voyage. 260 00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:38,120 -Thank you. -Oh, sorry. 261 00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:40,040 We are underway. 262 00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:43,080 The Du Ma is mobile. 263 00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:46,120 I've just noticed Hammond's boat's called Razzle Dazzle. 264 00:11:47,280 --> 00:11:49,400 That's sophisticated, isn't it? 265 00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:53,640 JEREMY: The first leg of our aquatic road trip 266 00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:56,760 involved a sprint across the Tonlé Sap Lake. 267 00:11:56,800 --> 00:12:01,680 And I'd been looking forward to unleashing some speed and power. 268 00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:04,840 Sadly, though, that wasn't possible. 269 00:12:04,880 --> 00:12:07,280 OK, the problem is - and it is a big one - 270 00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:09,320 despite that massive rainstorm, 271 00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:12,240 this lake is 80 miles across. 272 00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:16,160 And at this time of year, it should be five times more than that. 273 00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:18,680 This is not the best camerawork you've ever seen and I apologise. 274 00:12:18,720 --> 00:12:20,720 But I think it makes the point. 275 00:12:20,760 --> 00:12:22,120 This road here, 276 00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:24,840 this is the road that goes round the lake. 277 00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:28,000 But the lake at the moment is only that big. 278 00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:30,040 It just isn't big enough. 279 00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:31,880 Which means it isn't deep enough. 280 00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:36,640 And don't worry, the irony is not lost on me. 281 00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:39,840 The man who hosted a car programme for 30 years, 282 00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:42,880 limited to seven miles an hour by global warming. 283 00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:48,160 Is your boat... How can I put this? 284 00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:50,200 ...having a dump? 285 00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:52,240 RICHARD: Is that mud? 286 00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:54,600 Yes, that's mud. You're grounding out. 287 00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:57,840 I'm basically using a boat in a field. 288 00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:02,880 This did not happen in Miami Vice. 289 00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:07,680 RICHARD: Shallowness wasn't the only problem. 290 00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:12,120 We also had to deal with an underwater labyrinth of hidden fishing nets. 291 00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:19,680 It doesn't feel good. 292 00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:21,720 (ENGINE SPLUTTERING) 293 00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:23,640 Doesn't sound good. 294 00:13:23,680 --> 00:13:26,200 Turning round. 295 00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:28,320 Oh, he's done... What's he done, 100 yards? 296 00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:33,600 -What the hell have you done? -I don't know. 297 00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:35,160 -(HEAVY THUD) -Oh, you just... 298 00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:36,680 JAMES: Hammond? 299 00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:39,080 What? Everybody stop crashing into me! 300 00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:40,480 JAMES: Are you stuck? 301 00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:42,560 No, I just thought I'd stop here! 302 00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:44,200 I've caught a net. 303 00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,200 Why don't you just go and cut it off? 304 00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:48,000 Why isn't this happening to you? 305 00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:50,440 JAMES: What? -Why aren't you catching your props in nets? 306 00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:52,680 JEREMY: I haven't got any props. It's a PBR! 307 00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:54,720 It's a jet boat. I've got two jets. 308 00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:56,360 JAMES: Really? 309 00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:57,920 (SIGHS) Right. 310 00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:02,120 JEREMY: Leaving Hammond to clear his props... 311 00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:07,760 There! That is the problem. 312 00:14:09,920 --> 00:14:12,680 ...I sailed onwards with Rear Admiral Slow. 313 00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:17,240 James May's boat is the sort of thing 314 00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:20,400 I can imagine they gave to Prince Charles when he was a boy 315 00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:22,440 to play with in the bath. 316 00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:28,280 My boat, on the other hand, was designed for fighting. 317 00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:31,720 See, when the American military realised in the mid-'60s 318 00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:33,880 that they needed some kind of fast patrol boat 319 00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:36,200 for the shallow rivers of Southeast Asia, 320 00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:38,040 they went to Hatteras, 321 00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:41,240 which was a very respectable boat builder in America and said, 322 00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:43,280 "You know that pleasure craft you make, 323 00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:46,480 the 31-footer, plastic hull, Mum and Dad boat? 324 00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:53,840 Could you convert that, move the engines further forward, 325 00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:55,880 fit it with jets instead of propellers, 326 00:14:55,920 --> 00:15:00,320 give it a range of 250 miles and a cruising speed of 25 knots?" 327 00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:02,360 Massive job, really massive. 328 00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:07,120 And Hatteras had it ready in six days! 329 00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:09,160 Six days! 330 00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:12,800 What they created was epic. 331 00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:16,280 But even so, I had to have this made because today, 332 00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:20,320 there are no working PBRs left. 333 00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:21,840 And I find that extraordinary. 334 00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:24,280 They've saved all the other memorabilia from the Vietnam War - 335 00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:28,040 Hueys and guns and fighter planes and so on, 336 00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:30,880 but nobody thought to say, "Let's save a PBR." 337 00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:36,880 It's a brilliant bit of design, it really genuinely is. 338 00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:42,520 Original PBRs had two Detroit diesel engines, 339 00:15:42,560 --> 00:15:44,560 no electrics, better with water. 340 00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:47,080 And jets made by... 341 00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:48,720 Jacuzzi. 342 00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:52,320 I kid you not, they were Jacuzzi jets. 343 00:15:54,680 --> 00:15:58,720 Yes, the jets make it very difficult to steer at slow speed. 344 00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:03,560 But apart from that, I was able to cross Cambodia's giant paddling pool 345 00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:05,600 without any issues. 346 00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:09,600 JAMES: Oh, that's not good. 347 00:16:09,640 --> 00:16:12,640 JEREMY: Things, however, were rather different for my colleagues. 348 00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:16,280 James had snagged a net too. 349 00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:18,280 Yeah! 350 00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:20,320 Take that, you bastard. 351 00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:27,520 JEREMY: And as Aquaman struggled to get back on board... 352 00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:30,840 Bollocks! 353 00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:34,680 ...the cooling system on Hammond's pointy Scarab filled with mud. 354 00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:36,360 (RICHARD GROANS) 355 00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:38,400 This is a lot worse than... 356 00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:40,440 nets round the props. 357 00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:44,880 JEREMY: And just after James had dried off... 358 00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:49,360 he was back under his boat again, 359 00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:52,480 because his intakes had also filled up with sludge. 360 00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:58,800 This meant I had to go back and become a tow truck. 361 00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:03,040 Ready for the dead stop? You'll like this. 362 00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:05,280 -(ENGINE REVS) -Shit. 363 00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:06,800 -(HEAVY THUD) -Sorry. 364 00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:08,160 JAMES: Clarkson! 365 00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:10,080 JEREMY: Right, I've got you. 366 00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:13,640 James insisted on taking charge of tying the boats together. 367 00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:17,000 Which meant I was free to film some scenery. 368 00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:26,560 But eventually we were tethered, 369 00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:28,560 and set off in search of Hammond. 370 00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:31,080 -There he is! -Yep. 371 00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,160 Hammond ahoy! 372 00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:36,640 RICHARD: I (BLEEP) hate boats! 373 00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:39,920 -(AMERICAN ACCENT) Turning on the horn. -(SIREN BLARES) 374 00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:43,000 RICHARD: International Crap Rescue is coming. 375 00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:47,240 I wonder how many low-grade pornographical movies 376 00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:50,400 have been made on Hammond's boat. 377 00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:52,280 (AMERICAN ACCENT) Hey, you wanna come out rootin' and tootin'? 378 00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:56,880 Hammond, how much semen have you found on that boat? 379 00:17:56,920 --> 00:18:01,200 Please, I've tried to block the thought from my mind. Every... 380 00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:04,320 Honestly, going below is like climbing into a teenager's sock. 381 00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:05,720 (JEREMY CHUCKLES) 382 00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:11,800 JEREMY: With both broken boats hitched up to Thunderbird 2, 383 00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:16,760 we trundled on, until eventually we were swamped by the night. 384 00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:23,920 JAMES: Have you got, like, a military searchlight on your boat? 385 00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:25,960 Yes, I have. 386 00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:28,040 Oh-hoo-hoo! 387 00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:29,480 Hello! 388 00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:36,680 JEREMY: Many hours later, having covered only ten miles, 389 00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:38,720 we were feeling a bit unhappy. 390 00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:41,400 But then... 391 00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:43,720 James, are they lights? 392 00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:46,200 Oh, yeah. 393 00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:49,520 JEREMY: I think that is the town of Pursat. 394 00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:51,960 It's not completely the bottom of the lake, 395 00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:54,480 but we should be able to find a hotel there. 396 00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:57,880 Having parked up... 397 00:18:57,920 --> 00:18:59,480 Shit! 398 00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:02,320 ...we checked into the town's only guesthouse 399 00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:06,760 and then, absolutely famished, sat down for dinner. 400 00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:10,200 Sadly, though, there wasn't much on the menu for Hammond. 401 00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:12,960 So this is... Well, these are dragonflies. 402 00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:14,960 Don't eat dragonflies. 403 00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,000 -You've never tried one? -Nobody eats dragonflies. 404 00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:19,680 This is...crickets. 405 00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:21,720 These are water beetles. 406 00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:24,160 -I don't eat water beetles. -They're tarantulas. 407 00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:26,200 I especially don't eat tarantulas. 408 00:19:26,240 --> 00:19:28,520 JEREMY: Or big spiders, anyway. 409 00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:31,480 The thing is... during the time of Pol Pot, 410 00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:35,080 they were starving and they had to. 411 00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:37,160 And they actually discovered that they're lovely. 412 00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:39,280 Do you know what Pol Pot means? 413 00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:41,440 -Everyone thinks it's his name. -Bad menu? 414 00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:44,000 It stands for Political Potential. 415 00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:46,080 Same as Jeremy Corbyn. Same policies. 416 00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:48,640 You're eating a taran... 417 00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:50,680 No, it's a dragonfly. 418 00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:52,800 -What do they taste like? -Dragonflies. 419 00:19:55,520 --> 00:19:57,800 -Oh! -I knew you'd have a problem. 420 00:19:57,800 --> 00:20:00,720 So I got you some hard-boiled eggs, Hammond. 421 00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:02,000 Is this a... 422 00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:03,920 This is a cricket, look. 423 00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:05,760 Can you see that? 424 00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:08,680 JAMES: Do you eat it or do you disembowel it and then eat the flesh? 425 00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:10,200 Oh, my God! 426 00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:12,240 It's got a bird in it! 427 00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:14,280 JEREMY: What? 428 00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:16,760 That may be beyond my line... 429 00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:18,800 RICHARD: I'm just looking at it, thinking, "Really?" 430 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:20,560 JAMES: That is pretty revolting. 431 00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:24,080 It is, I know, but if you've got a socialist running, 432 00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:26,560 you know, like Britain when we've got Corbyn... 433 00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:29,320 this is what we're going to be eating. 434 00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:33,560 After our feast, it was time for bed. 435 00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:36,800 And we were shown to the best rooms in the house. 436 00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:38,800 (MOTOR CHUGGING) 437 00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:46,760 Hang on, is that... That generator goes all the time? 438 00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:50,080 The noise - da, da, da, da... 439 00:20:50,080 --> 00:20:52,080 Can you make it, like, off? No? 440 00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:55,680 Off? Da, da, da, da... 441 00:20:56,680 --> 00:20:57,800 No? 442 00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:59,200 OK. 443 00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:02,080 It's impossible to think how this could be worse. 444 00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:04,160 (GENERATOR CHUGGING) 445 00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:06,200 (TECHNO MUSIC POUNDING) 446 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:10,080 And there it is. 447 00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:14,320 (TECHNO MUSIC POUNDING) 448 00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:24,280 This... 449 00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:29,240 What's this? Why... Why? 450 00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:31,080 Why are they... 451 00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:33,440 What's that, in a grown man's bedroom? 452 00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:37,000 (TECHNO MUSIC BLARING) 453 00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:50,040 JEREMY: Dawn was magnificent. 454 00:21:50,080 --> 00:21:52,680 And there was no need to wake the cameramen to film it. 455 00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:58,480 Because they, like us, hadn't had a wink of sleep. 456 00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:01,360 (BOAT ENGINE PUTTING) 457 00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:03,400 (DOG BARKING) 458 00:22:03,440 --> 00:22:05,440 (CHICKENS CLUCKING) 459 00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:10,080 (COCKEREL CROWS) 460 00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:14,000 That. That...4:26. 461 00:22:14,040 --> 00:22:15,680 -Yeah. -4:26. 462 00:22:15,720 --> 00:22:17,720 At midnight... 463 00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:20,640 2am, music stops. 464 00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:22,840 And the dog-barking competition starts. JAMES: Yeah. 465 00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:25,240 -Till 4:26, cockerel starts. JAMES: Yeah. 466 00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:27,600 Till five. Fishing boats go out. 467 00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:29,560 (ENGINE PUTTING) 468 00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:31,600 Why don't they invent the silencer? 469 00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:33,800 JAMES: They haven't got silencers for those or generators. 470 00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:36,800 It simply hasn't reached this bit of the world for some reason. 471 00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:38,440 RICHARD: Why do we do this? 472 00:22:38,480 --> 00:22:40,480 JEREMY: This is a boating holiday. 473 00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:43,280 -Yeah. Brilliant. -Life afloat. The glamour. 474 00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:46,120 JEREMY: To cheer ourselves up, 475 00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:48,200 we decided to shop for provisions. 476 00:22:48,240 --> 00:22:50,640 And we were in for a bit of a surprise, 477 00:22:50,680 --> 00:22:54,400 because this town was the Venice of the East. 478 00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:05,280 There were floating houses with satellite TV, 479 00:23:06,280 --> 00:23:08,280 floating workshops, 480 00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:11,840 floating supermarkets, 481 00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:14,880 a hospital 482 00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:16,920 and even a church. 483 00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:20,800 Look at this! It's a high street. 484 00:23:20,840 --> 00:23:23,920 JEREMY: So they've moved the town to where... 485 00:23:23,960 --> 00:23:26,080 Well, wherever the lake is, the town is always at the edge of it. 486 00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:27,440 Well, it moves itself. 487 00:23:27,480 --> 00:23:29,160 So what do we need? 488 00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:32,120 JEREMY: We need earplugs, we need sleeping pills, 489 00:23:32,160 --> 00:23:34,800 something to wash the sleeping pills down, I'm thinking strong beer... 490 00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:36,000 Yeah. 491 00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:38,080 Maybe so strong it's called whisky. 492 00:23:38,120 --> 00:23:39,720 RICHARD: Yeah, that beer. If nobody minds, 493 00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:41,960 I'd like to buy some cleaning products. 494 00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:44,280 Oh, because of the pornography that's gone on on your boat? 495 00:23:44,320 --> 00:23:48,680 RICHARD: Eugh! What's gone on down there does not bear thinking about. 496 00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:52,280 JEREMY: Unfortunately, trying to navigate 497 00:23:52,320 --> 00:23:54,360 through the busy streets 498 00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:57,720 exposed the PBR's Achilles heel: 499 00:23:57,760 --> 00:24:01,760 its mind-of-its-own steering at slow speeds. 500 00:24:01,800 --> 00:24:04,200 Oh, God! 501 00:24:04,240 --> 00:24:06,240 JEREMY: Look at it. Full left lock. 502 00:24:06,280 --> 00:24:08,360 -(HEAVY THUD) RICHARD: Just concentrate on-- 503 00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:10,600 Don't do that! 504 00:24:10,640 --> 00:24:12,640 This one is now going... This one's back. 505 00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:15,520 And that one's forwards. 506 00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:17,880 -No, that hasn't worked. -Backwards, backwards. 507 00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:21,040 Anything you want to buy from this shop? Cos we're arriving at it. 508 00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:22,840 RICHARD: Oh, oh! -(HEAVY THUD) 509 00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:28,320 JEREMY: Having finally crashed into the correct shop... 510 00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:30,880 we set about loading up with supplies. 511 00:24:32,120 --> 00:24:34,400 -Got mops. -That says beer. 512 00:24:34,440 --> 00:24:36,440 Do you have, erm... 513 00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:38,480 tablet for... 514 00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:40,440 RICHARD: Yeah, but for... 515 00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:42,880 for sleeping... (TRUMPETS) ..elephant. 516 00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:44,800 So, big. 517 00:24:44,840 --> 00:24:46,640 JAMES: But not for... Well, it could kill him. 518 00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:48,360 RICHARD: That's what I mean. JAMES: Oh, right, OK. 519 00:24:49,360 --> 00:24:50,840 JAMES: With the shopping done, 520 00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:54,040 we resumed our journey 521 00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:56,360 across the shallow, net-infested lake. 522 00:25:00,480 --> 00:25:02,600 I am under my own power for now. 523 00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:05,000 Ts and Ps looking good. 524 00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:07,200 Hammond too had mended his engines. 525 00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:09,360 But he daren't fire them up 526 00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:11,760 for fear of destroying them in the mud. 527 00:25:11,800 --> 00:25:14,200 So he was still being towed. 528 00:25:15,560 --> 00:25:18,840 I found a very kind and generous local fisherman 529 00:25:18,880 --> 00:25:20,880 to pull me along behind his little boat, 530 00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:22,640 that doesn't have a silencer on it. 531 00:25:22,680 --> 00:25:24,760 (ENGINE PUTTING) 532 00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:26,480 That boat wasn't powerful enough, 533 00:25:26,520 --> 00:25:27,920 so he found a mate and then another mate, 534 00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:30,280 and they've tied all their boats together. 535 00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:32,520 None of their engines have silencers. 536 00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:35,440 (ENGINES CHUGGING) 537 00:25:35,480 --> 00:25:39,800 And we are now travelling at a speed too slow to register on any device. 538 00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:46,920 Bo-o-o-ored! 539 00:25:48,640 --> 00:25:50,440 JEREMY: Unlike my colleagues, 540 00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:53,560 I wasn't struggling with a Dickensian propulsion system. 541 00:25:57,800 --> 00:26:00,160 JAMES: Thank you. 542 00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:02,840 But even so, I had run into a problem. 543 00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:05,680 Right, this is the end of the lake. 544 00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:07,200 I've made it. 545 00:26:07,240 --> 00:26:09,240 And there's the river, I think, over there. 546 00:26:09,280 --> 00:26:11,680 However, between me and it... 547 00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:14,200 there is a small obstacle. 548 00:26:18,640 --> 00:26:24,160 The mouth of the river was absolutely jammed with densely packed weed. 549 00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:35,840 So, to get through it, I decided to ditch Slow and Careful, 550 00:26:35,880 --> 00:26:39,240 and call on my old friends Speed and Power. 551 00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:41,960 Come on! 552 00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:43,240 Rise! 553 00:26:44,480 --> 00:26:46,320 Ye-e-e-eees! 554 00:26:46,360 --> 00:26:48,360 No! No! No! It's all gone wrong! 555 00:26:50,400 --> 00:26:53,360 Yeah, we're stuck. 556 00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:55,840 I think I filled my intakes up with leaves. 557 00:26:55,880 --> 00:26:57,320 Aarg! 558 00:26:59,440 --> 00:27:01,960 JAMES: Meanwhile, back on the lake... 559 00:27:03,880 --> 00:27:06,200 ...my life was getting even worse. 560 00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:09,680 Right, situation update. I've run aground. 561 00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:12,360 I can't even turn my boat into wind cos it's stuck. 562 00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:16,640 And there's a storm coming. 563 00:27:16,680 --> 00:27:18,840 And it wasn't like my camera boat could help 564 00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:21,200 because that was beached as well. 565 00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:24,720 Oh, look at those poor sods. 566 00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:27,680 And then, to rub salt in the wounds... 567 00:27:27,720 --> 00:27:29,960 (ENGINE REVVING) 568 00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:31,840 (LAUGHS) 569 00:27:31,880 --> 00:27:34,480 Are you stuck? I thought you were waiting for me. 570 00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:37,440 No, I'm stuck. But my boat's not powerful enough to tow-- 571 00:27:37,480 --> 00:27:40,960 Nothing I can do. I thought you were waiting for me. I didn't know you were stuck. 572 00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:43,000 I'm really sorry. 573 00:27:43,040 --> 00:27:45,040 (THUNDER CRASHES) 574 00:27:48,440 --> 00:27:49,680 (GROANS) 575 00:27:53,480 --> 00:27:55,280 Oh, hell. 576 00:27:55,320 --> 00:27:57,320 Oh, God. 577 00:27:57,360 --> 00:27:59,360 (THUNDER CRASHES) 578 00:28:01,360 --> 00:28:03,760 JEREMY: Back in the lettuce field, I'd enlisted the help 579 00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:07,640 of the few remaining locals not being employed by James and Richard. 580 00:28:12,040 --> 00:28:13,960 It is actually moving. 581 00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:16,000 Yes! Yes! 582 00:28:16,040 --> 00:28:17,840 Yes! 583 00:28:17,880 --> 00:28:21,800 The mighty PBR has been freed by the local chaps. 584 00:28:24,440 --> 00:28:27,120 JAMES: Soon, I was also being towed. 585 00:28:27,160 --> 00:28:31,240 So I had time to reflect on the awfulness of our boating holiday. 586 00:28:32,280 --> 00:28:33,760 I mean, it's farcical. 587 00:28:33,800 --> 00:28:36,280 We've got half of Cambodia in the water 588 00:28:36,320 --> 00:28:39,440 freeing us from fishing nets and ropes, 589 00:28:39,480 --> 00:28:42,520 and trying to pull out the camera crew boats. They're all stuck. 590 00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:44,400 It's rubbish! 591 00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:46,320 Are you stuck? 592 00:28:46,360 --> 00:28:47,720 Yeah? 593 00:28:47,760 --> 00:28:49,760 Is he stuck? 594 00:28:49,800 --> 00:28:51,200 Right. 595 00:28:51,240 --> 00:28:53,240 They're all stuck. 596 00:28:55,480 --> 00:28:58,360 Eventually, though, Hammond and I found deeper water, 597 00:28:58,400 --> 00:29:01,360 and were able to proceed under own own steam. 598 00:29:05,240 --> 00:29:07,040 (CACKLES) 599 00:29:07,080 --> 00:29:08,880 I have two engines! 600 00:29:12,360 --> 00:29:13,600 It's Clarkson. 601 00:29:13,640 --> 00:29:16,360 JAMES OVER RADIO: Calling Commander Clarkson. 602 00:29:16,400 --> 00:29:19,080 JEREMY OVER RADIO: Right, chaps? Er...welcome, 603 00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:20,720 first of all. Nice to have you here. 604 00:29:20,760 --> 00:29:22,560 No time for pleasantries, though. 605 00:29:22,600 --> 00:29:26,320 The problem we have is that is a very significant chunk of weeds, 606 00:29:26,360 --> 00:29:31,640 and this can do everything except go through them. 607 00:29:31,680 --> 00:29:34,960 The issue was that my giant V8s would suck the leaves 608 00:29:35,000 --> 00:29:37,000 into the jets and clog them up. 609 00:29:39,240 --> 00:29:43,240 So Hammond and May decided to slice a path through the veg patch 610 00:29:43,280 --> 00:29:45,280 using their old-fashioned props. 611 00:29:46,440 --> 00:29:48,240 Here we go into the reeds. 612 00:29:50,880 --> 00:29:52,520 Hand on throttle. 613 00:29:55,160 --> 00:29:57,960 JEREMY: I was then towed through by a local. 614 00:29:59,080 --> 00:30:01,200 Here I am going through the salad, 615 00:30:01,240 --> 00:30:05,640 pre-minced by Hammond and May with their 19th-century propellers. 616 00:30:06,920 --> 00:30:09,280 RICHARD: Ooh, it's not liking this at all. 617 00:30:09,320 --> 00:30:11,960 Watching my temperatures. They're climbing already. 618 00:30:19,040 --> 00:30:20,280 Bit snaggy. 619 00:30:20,320 --> 00:30:22,320 Oh, come on. 620 00:30:22,360 --> 00:30:24,760 Come on, boat. 621 00:30:24,800 --> 00:30:29,360 Nevertheless, our salad mincers kept chopping away. 622 00:30:29,400 --> 00:30:31,360 JEREMY OVER RADIO: Hammond, it opens up down there. 623 00:30:31,400 --> 00:30:33,080 Can you see? About 200 yards. 624 00:30:33,120 --> 00:30:35,320 RICHARD: Yes, clear water. Oh, yes. 625 00:30:38,520 --> 00:30:39,600 Yes! 626 00:30:39,640 --> 00:30:41,040 I'm weed free! 627 00:30:42,520 --> 00:30:44,560 What a victory for the antique, eh? 628 00:30:46,520 --> 00:30:48,600 We then sailed down a narrow channel 629 00:30:48,640 --> 00:30:50,400 created by the fishermen. 630 00:30:52,160 --> 00:30:54,680 Do you know what's the most amazing thing about these reeds, 631 00:30:54,720 --> 00:30:56,640 apart from that they look like giant flat-leaf parsley? 632 00:30:56,680 --> 00:31:00,240 It's that, according to a local, if I understood him correctly, 633 00:31:00,280 --> 00:31:02,440 they weren't even here ten days ago. 634 00:31:02,480 --> 00:31:05,280 And now there are miles of them. 635 00:31:05,320 --> 00:31:07,160 Ten days! 636 00:31:07,200 --> 00:31:09,360 Imagine if you could grow vegetables that quickly. 637 00:31:12,520 --> 00:31:15,640 JEREMY: Joyfully, though, the river eventually opened up. 638 00:31:15,680 --> 00:31:19,280 And, finally, after two days of frustration, 639 00:31:19,320 --> 00:31:22,240 all of us were able to open the taps. 640 00:31:27,520 --> 00:31:29,760 For me especially, this was great 641 00:31:29,800 --> 00:31:33,080 because it meant I finally had some steering. 642 00:31:34,440 --> 00:31:36,800 Oh, yes! Look at this! The speed! 643 00:31:38,440 --> 00:31:40,000 The speed! 644 00:31:43,920 --> 00:31:45,240 RICHARD: Oh-ho-ho! 645 00:31:45,280 --> 00:31:47,280 Oh, my word! 646 00:31:49,920 --> 00:31:51,920 (RICHARD WHOOPS) 647 00:31:53,600 --> 00:31:55,000 Come on, boat machine! 648 00:31:55,040 --> 00:31:56,440 Du Ma! 649 00:31:58,840 --> 00:32:01,480 Mind you, when I say all of us had opened the taps... 650 00:32:01,520 --> 00:32:03,520 (ENGINE PUTTING GENTLY) 651 00:32:05,520 --> 00:32:07,320 Fuel and temperature's good. 652 00:32:08,320 --> 00:32:09,800 Oil pressure is excellent. 653 00:32:10,800 --> 00:32:12,800 I believe I am boating. 654 00:32:14,920 --> 00:32:17,120 JEREMY: We were now on the Tonlé Sap, 655 00:32:17,160 --> 00:32:19,560 the only river in the world where the flow 656 00:32:19,600 --> 00:32:22,080 changes direction according to the season. 657 00:32:22,120 --> 00:32:23,800 And straightaway, 658 00:32:23,840 --> 00:32:26,960 Hammond and I had important work to do. 659 00:32:27,000 --> 00:32:28,960 Do you wanna see who's got the quicker boat? 660 00:32:29,000 --> 00:32:31,120 Oh, this is so inevitable! 661 00:32:31,160 --> 00:32:34,560 Right, what we're gonna have now is a drag race. 662 00:32:34,600 --> 00:32:39,440 And that's when he will see the vast superiority of the jet, 663 00:32:39,480 --> 00:32:42,600 the instant torque and acceleration of jet power. 664 00:32:44,160 --> 00:32:46,840 JEREMY: With a far-off bridge chosen as the finish point, 665 00:32:46,880 --> 00:32:48,880 we lined up for a run. 666 00:32:48,920 --> 00:32:52,840 Three...two...one... Go. 667 00:33:00,560 --> 00:33:02,800 Oh, no! 668 00:33:02,840 --> 00:33:05,480 There you go, there's the difference. Trimming my jets. 669 00:33:08,440 --> 00:33:10,440 And that's goodbye, Mr Hammond. 670 00:33:12,040 --> 00:33:13,360 I'm up on the plane now. 671 00:33:15,720 --> 00:33:16,760 Ha-ha! 672 00:33:18,120 --> 00:33:20,120 Oh, no, he... Look at him. 673 00:33:20,160 --> 00:33:22,360 And here he's coming back at me. 674 00:33:22,400 --> 00:33:24,880 Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! 675 00:33:24,920 --> 00:33:28,120 No! Come on, boat machine, you can do this! 676 00:33:29,320 --> 00:33:31,320 (RICHARD CACKLES) 677 00:33:31,360 --> 00:33:34,320 No! No! I won't have this! 678 00:33:34,360 --> 00:33:37,000 I'm gonna do it! Come on! 679 00:33:37,040 --> 00:33:38,840 Here's the finish line! 680 00:33:38,880 --> 00:33:40,440 Yea-aaah! 681 00:33:40,480 --> 00:33:43,160 JEREMY: No! No! -(BOAT'S HORN BLARES) 682 00:33:43,200 --> 00:33:46,960 Ghastly little Brummie in his HMS Pornography. 683 00:33:48,840 --> 00:33:51,080 Having lost the ridiculous drag race, 684 00:33:51,120 --> 00:33:54,400 I proposed a high-speed brake test. 685 00:33:54,440 --> 00:33:57,560 Ready? We're in full forward thrust with my jets. 686 00:33:59,400 --> 00:34:03,400 And I'm about to go into full reverse thrust. 687 00:34:03,440 --> 00:34:05,320 Instantly. Just lowers some buckets down 688 00:34:05,360 --> 00:34:07,640 and the water shoots forwards instead of back. 689 00:34:07,680 --> 00:34:11,880 What Hammond didn't know is that this is a PBR party piece. 690 00:34:12,880 --> 00:34:15,000 Three...two...one... Go. 691 00:34:27,920 --> 00:34:29,920 Jesus Christ! 692 00:34:31,040 --> 00:34:33,040 (WHOOPS WITH LAUGHTER) 693 00:34:34,360 --> 00:34:36,640 No, I-I will give you that! You won that! 694 00:34:36,640 --> 00:34:39,640 That was quite a soaking. 695 00:34:39,640 --> 00:34:42,560 Famously, these PBRs can stop from top speed to a dead stop 696 00:34:42,600 --> 00:34:44,600 in their own length, 31 feet. 697 00:34:44,640 --> 00:34:48,360 There's water still dribbling down that camera, look, from that wave! 698 00:34:49,920 --> 00:34:53,120 I think I just proved... that story's true. 699 00:34:54,760 --> 00:34:56,640 JAMES: Meanwhile, several miles back, 700 00:34:56,680 --> 00:35:00,160 I'd pinned my engine to try and catch up with the other two. 701 00:35:11,520 --> 00:35:13,160 Oh, cock! 702 00:35:13,160 --> 00:35:15,160 My cushion's in the water. 703 00:35:27,960 --> 00:35:29,480 Bollocks! 704 00:35:32,760 --> 00:35:35,600 So, if I go full-right steering... 705 00:35:37,680 --> 00:35:38,960 Stop. 706 00:35:39,000 --> 00:35:41,000 What the bloody hell is...? 707 00:35:44,560 --> 00:35:47,520 Hammond, you've gotta try a bit of wave jumping, it's hilarious. 708 00:35:52,320 --> 00:35:54,920 (LAUGHTER) Oh, I like that game! 709 00:35:57,680 --> 00:35:59,640 There's Richard Hammond playing in the waves. 710 00:35:59,640 --> 00:36:01,400 What could possibly go wrong? 711 00:36:03,480 --> 00:36:05,480 Unlikely to be a fire for once. 712 00:36:05,520 --> 00:36:06,640 (SQUEALS DELIGHTEDLY) 713 00:36:09,120 --> 00:36:12,440 Damn it, I'm enjoying it! Must not enjoy boating. 714 00:36:13,600 --> 00:36:14,960 Ya-ha-ha-hay! 715 00:36:22,600 --> 00:36:25,000 (BLEEP) 716 00:36:25,040 --> 00:36:28,480 JEREMY: While May entertained the locals, 717 00:36:28,520 --> 00:36:31,960 Hammond and I were nearing Cambodia's capital city. 718 00:36:34,920 --> 00:36:36,680 Yes! Phnom Penh. 719 00:36:37,760 --> 00:36:39,760 There's Phnom Penh dead ahead. 720 00:36:48,400 --> 00:36:50,400 I am in slight wonderment. 721 00:36:50,440 --> 00:36:53,160 Nobody told me when I failed my A Levels 722 00:36:53,160 --> 00:36:55,600 that one day I'd be driving a PBR 723 00:36:55,640 --> 00:36:59,160 down the Tonlé Sap River into Phnom Penh. 724 00:36:59,160 --> 00:37:01,920 Mainly because back then Cambodia was... 725 00:37:04,120 --> 00:37:06,440 ...entirely impossible to get into 726 00:37:06,480 --> 00:37:10,160 because it was run by the biggest lunatic the world's ever seen, 727 00:37:10,160 --> 00:37:12,040 Pol Pot. 728 00:37:13,800 --> 00:37:17,800 The man killed 25 per cent of the Cambodian population. 729 00:37:17,840 --> 00:37:19,840 25 per cent. 730 00:37:19,880 --> 00:37:23,880 He just said that anybody who could speak a foreign language, 731 00:37:23,920 --> 00:37:27,640 or who had soft hands, or wore glasses... 732 00:37:27,640 --> 00:37:31,640 Anyone remotely intelligent had to be killed. 733 00:37:31,640 --> 00:37:33,840 If you haven't seen the movie The Killing Fields, 734 00:37:33,880 --> 00:37:36,640 please watch it, please. 735 00:37:38,760 --> 00:37:41,160 You'll get an idea from that of the horror. 736 00:37:43,640 --> 00:37:47,840 Having parked up, we decided to wait for James at the FCC. 737 00:37:49,680 --> 00:37:52,040 I reckon this is one of the coolest bars 738 00:37:52,080 --> 00:37:54,440 anywhere in the world. 739 00:37:54,480 --> 00:37:58,040 Back in the day when Cambodia was, let's say, a troubled nation, 740 00:37:58,080 --> 00:38:01,200 this is where all the foreign correspondents for all of the world's media outlets 741 00:38:01,280 --> 00:38:02,840 used to meet for a drink, 742 00:38:02,880 --> 00:38:05,000 hence FCC, Foreign Correspondents' Club. 743 00:38:05,040 --> 00:38:07,200 RICHARD: It's when there was some romance in journalism. 744 00:38:07,280 --> 00:38:08,960 Oh, and expense accounts. 745 00:38:09,000 --> 00:38:11,200 And drinking. They drank a lot. 746 00:38:11,280 --> 00:38:13,640 -You can feel it in the room. -You can. 747 00:38:13,680 --> 00:38:16,400 You can sense ruined cirrhosis. 748 00:38:16,440 --> 00:38:18,680 Some intelligent, hammered minds. 749 00:38:18,760 --> 00:38:21,880 They used to come in here with guns they'd found, 750 00:38:21,920 --> 00:38:24,160 get absolutely slaughtered, 751 00:38:24,160 --> 00:38:27,040 and then just shoot guns from the balconies. 752 00:38:27,080 --> 00:38:31,160 You could do clay beer-bottle shoots but with AKs! 753 00:38:31,200 --> 00:38:33,200 "I've drunk 17 beers." 754 00:38:33,280 --> 00:38:35,840 "And we're going to have a considerable fight." 755 00:38:35,880 --> 00:38:38,760 "And then I'm going to write my copy with a broken nose." 756 00:38:41,160 --> 00:38:45,000 JEREMY: After we'd raised a glass or ten to the ghosts of the past, 757 00:38:45,040 --> 00:38:47,040 James finally arrived. 758 00:38:47,080 --> 00:38:49,520 And we decided to buy some things 759 00:38:49,560 --> 00:38:52,320 to make our lives on board more comfortable. 760 00:39:03,360 --> 00:39:04,600 Oooh, missed 'em. 761 00:39:08,160 --> 00:39:10,600 Why don't we go to the market first of all? 762 00:39:10,640 --> 00:39:12,400 A real local market for local people? 763 00:39:12,440 --> 00:39:13,920 -Yes. -Yeah, let's go there. 764 00:39:17,560 --> 00:39:19,160 -Come on! -Yeah! 765 00:39:19,160 --> 00:39:21,000 That's using internal combustion. 766 00:39:21,040 --> 00:39:23,040 What about global warming? 767 00:39:25,280 --> 00:39:27,920 Eventually, we found the local market. 768 00:39:27,960 --> 00:39:31,920 And immediately we were distracted by all the pretty watches. 769 00:39:33,760 --> 00:39:35,080 That's a Breitling. 770 00:39:37,280 --> 00:39:40,640 I thought Breitling would take better care of their display than this. 771 00:39:42,480 --> 00:39:44,520 Look at the Hublot. That's a tasteful watch. 772 00:39:46,600 --> 00:39:49,920 And so light for such exquisite quality. 773 00:39:49,960 --> 00:39:51,960 And all these diamonds. 774 00:39:52,000 --> 00:39:54,160 -Omega. -Omega? 775 00:39:54,160 --> 00:39:56,000 See, that is my Omega. 776 00:39:56,040 --> 00:40:00,280 And this one is orange but in every other way, identical. 777 00:40:01,320 --> 00:40:02,520 Jezza? 778 00:40:02,560 --> 00:40:04,000 They haven't realised it, 779 00:40:04,040 --> 00:40:05,520 but there's a gold Rolex there 780 00:40:05,560 --> 00:40:07,640 and there's a Planet Ocean Omega there. 781 00:40:07,680 --> 00:40:09,680 I just asked how much a Seamaster is. 782 00:40:09,760 --> 00:40:12,360 These are about £3,000 in the UK, yes? 783 00:40:12,400 --> 00:40:14,400 -Yes. -Guess how much they are here. 784 00:40:14,440 --> 00:40:15,880 I don't know, 2,000. 785 00:40:16,880 --> 00:40:19,400 -£50. -£50? 786 00:40:19,440 --> 00:40:23,360 I mean, I know their overheads are low, but that's extraordinary. 787 00:40:23,400 --> 00:40:27,040 -That must mean the mark-up on those watches is enormous. -Exactly. 788 00:40:28,520 --> 00:40:30,400 Oh, hello. Hello! 789 00:40:30,440 --> 00:40:32,560 Is that a real Jaguar belt? 790 00:40:32,600 --> 00:40:35,680 I've got a Ja-a-ag. 791 00:40:35,760 --> 00:40:37,120 How much is this? 792 00:40:38,960 --> 00:40:41,320 25. And here, because you're a nice chap... 793 00:40:41,360 --> 00:40:44,160 -Yeah? -Erm...keep it. Thank you. 794 00:40:44,200 --> 00:40:46,760 Nothing on God's green earth annoys me more 795 00:40:46,800 --> 00:40:50,440 than European people haggling in places like this. 796 00:40:50,480 --> 00:40:52,760 Cos they're haggling over a dollar... 797 00:40:52,800 --> 00:40:55,440 It doesn't matter to you, it doesn't matter, 798 00:40:55,480 --> 00:40:57,280 and it matters a lot to them. 799 00:40:57,320 --> 00:40:58,880 Just pay the price. 800 00:40:58,920 --> 00:41:00,920 -How much? -75. 801 00:41:00,960 --> 00:41:04,440 Ow! I was thinking 25. 802 00:41:04,480 --> 00:41:06,680 JEREMY: Having stocked up on luxury goods, 803 00:41:06,760 --> 00:41:09,560 we went in search of some more practical items. 804 00:41:09,600 --> 00:41:11,560 Oh, hello! Cooking, cooking. 805 00:41:11,600 --> 00:41:13,280 Yes. 806 00:41:13,320 --> 00:41:15,040 Something for getting rid of flies. 807 00:41:15,080 --> 00:41:16,160 Here. 808 00:41:16,200 --> 00:41:18,160 -Flies, zz. -(LAUGHS) 809 00:41:18,160 --> 00:41:20,400 -Taser. -Taser? 810 00:41:20,440 --> 00:41:22,120 -(CRACKLES) -Oh, gee. 811 00:41:25,520 --> 00:41:27,440 -(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES) -(LAUGHS WHEEZILY) 812 00:41:27,480 --> 00:41:29,640 Thank you. You're a life saver. It's very hot. 813 00:41:34,440 --> 00:41:36,400 (AEROSOL HISSES) 814 00:41:36,440 --> 00:41:38,440 (JEREMY GRUNTS) 815 00:41:46,560 --> 00:41:48,920 What's that woman with the gold outfit? 816 00:41:48,960 --> 00:41:50,960 That looks Hindu. 817 00:41:51,000 --> 00:41:53,000 -Is it very old? -Yes. 818 00:41:54,000 --> 00:41:55,800 It is? Oh. 819 00:41:55,840 --> 00:41:57,840 -Are these old as well? -Yes. 820 00:41:59,000 --> 00:42:01,000 (AEROSOL HISSES) 821 00:42:11,640 --> 00:42:13,400 (HISSING STOPS) 822 00:42:13,440 --> 00:42:15,360 Can I have another one for the other armpit? 823 00:42:17,520 --> 00:42:21,040 Having bought all we needed to make a night afloat more comfortable, 824 00:42:21,080 --> 00:42:24,480 we immediately checked into a five-star hotel... 825 00:42:25,920 --> 00:42:27,280 -Good evening. -Good evening. 826 00:42:27,320 --> 00:42:29,320 Oh, of course, that's very kind. Thank you. 827 00:42:29,360 --> 00:42:31,800 ...and then went to the rooftop bar. 828 00:42:33,360 --> 00:42:36,360 So, that is the government building down there. 829 00:42:36,400 --> 00:42:39,120 Which I... Look at the lighting on that. 830 00:42:39,160 --> 00:42:41,040 It's one of the cleverest... Cos it looks like curtains. 831 00:42:41,080 --> 00:42:44,040 JAMES: It looks like theatre curtains closing or opening. 832 00:42:44,080 --> 00:42:46,080 Is that where the Prime Minister hangs out? 833 00:42:46,120 --> 00:42:49,040 -No, no, don't, don't, don't. -He's not there? 834 00:42:49,080 --> 00:42:50,800 No, don't call him Prime Minister. 835 00:42:50,840 --> 00:42:52,200 Well, what is he, then? 836 00:42:52,280 --> 00:42:54,040 Well, weirdly, I was reading the Financial Times. 837 00:42:54,080 --> 00:42:56,000 And I've saved it. Hang on. 838 00:42:56,040 --> 00:42:59,640 Mr Hun Sen, a ruler of 31 years, 839 00:42:59,640 --> 00:43:02,640 who insists on being referred to as: 840 00:43:02,680 --> 00:43:06,560 "Lord Prime Minister and Supreme Military Commander." 841 00:43:06,600 --> 00:43:09,760 So, if you are referring to him, you must say, 842 00:43:09,800 --> 00:43:13,320 "Lord Prime Minister and Supreme Military Commander." 843 00:43:13,360 --> 00:43:16,480 His wife, Bun Rany, she is officially known as: 844 00:43:16,520 --> 00:43:21,200 "Most glorious and upright person of genius." 845 00:43:21,280 --> 00:43:23,160 I want to be called... In fact, I want-- 846 00:43:23,200 --> 00:43:26,080 Most glorious and upright person of genius. 847 00:43:26,120 --> 00:43:29,120 I want you two to start calling me that. 848 00:43:30,840 --> 00:43:33,360 After a bit more conversation, we went to bed. 849 00:43:34,360 --> 00:43:36,360 Well, one of us did. 850 00:43:38,360 --> 00:43:40,440 I've got paint, paint brushes, 851 00:43:40,480 --> 00:43:42,280 and then I've got spray paint. 852 00:43:42,320 --> 00:43:43,800 Where's the bicycles? 853 00:43:43,840 --> 00:43:45,520 Oh, they're here. Thank you. 854 00:43:45,560 --> 00:43:47,760 Thank you so much. Thank you very much. 855 00:43:49,040 --> 00:43:51,040 I love to follow you. 856 00:43:56,240 --> 00:44:01,880 JEREMY: The next morning, I fitted my new lavatory seat and air-conditioning unit. 857 00:44:01,920 --> 00:44:04,520 James installed his drinks fridge. 858 00:44:04,560 --> 00:44:07,520 And after Hammond had slipped into his new shirt... 859 00:44:11,600 --> 00:44:13,120 we set off. 860 00:44:15,960 --> 00:44:20,960 And immediately, it was hard to keep a straight face. 861 00:44:21,000 --> 00:44:23,040 We have played jokes on one another before, 862 00:44:23,080 --> 00:44:26,840 but I'm not sure we've ever pulled one as good as this. 863 00:44:26,880 --> 00:44:28,640 From where Richard Hammond is standing, 864 00:44:28,680 --> 00:44:31,800 he has no idea what James and I have done. 865 00:44:42,320 --> 00:44:43,880 JEREMY OVER RADIO: Hey, guys? 866 00:44:43,920 --> 00:44:48,080 This is the first time we've run under our own steam as a three. 867 00:44:48,120 --> 00:44:50,160 RICHARD: Yeah, it feels good. 868 00:44:50,200 --> 00:44:52,600 I'm not sure it feels that good, though, does it? 869 00:44:52,640 --> 00:44:54,640 Do you know what might feel better? 870 00:44:57,600 --> 00:44:59,600 (ENGINES REVVING) 871 00:45:06,200 --> 00:45:07,560 JAMES: Thank you. 872 00:45:09,600 --> 00:45:10,800 Very funny. 873 00:45:18,840 --> 00:45:21,600 JEREMY: We were now 150 miles into our journey 874 00:45:21,640 --> 00:45:23,240 and leaving the Tonlé Sap 875 00:45:23,280 --> 00:45:26,000 to join the world's most iconic river - 876 00:45:27,000 --> 00:45:29,000 the mighty Mekong. 877 00:45:29,040 --> 00:45:30,960 ♪ Hold on ♪ 878 00:45:31,000 --> 00:45:33,000 ♪ I'm coming ♪ 879 00:45:33,040 --> 00:45:35,040 ♪ I'm goin' my way... ♪ 880 00:45:35,080 --> 00:45:39,760 And I was going down it at full chat in a jet boat. 881 00:45:42,440 --> 00:45:46,280 These jets, they're New Zealand jets, and they are epic. 882 00:45:46,320 --> 00:45:48,600 ♪ Hold on ♪ 883 00:45:48,640 --> 00:45:51,120 ♪ I'm coming ♪ 884 00:45:51,160 --> 00:45:53,040 The jet skis you rent on holiday, 885 00:45:53,080 --> 00:45:54,760 they have one impeller in a tube, 886 00:45:54,800 --> 00:45:57,160 suck water in, shoot it out the back and go along. 887 00:45:57,200 --> 00:45:59,760 The jets in this are a bit different. 888 00:45:59,800 --> 00:46:01,240 They're two-stage impellers. 889 00:46:01,280 --> 00:46:03,880 One sucks the water in and gets it spinning, 890 00:46:03,920 --> 00:46:07,840 fires it into the second one that properly hammers it out the back. 891 00:46:09,680 --> 00:46:12,480 Instant acceleration, and a lot of it. 892 00:46:17,160 --> 00:46:18,560 Speed boating. 893 00:46:25,520 --> 00:46:27,680 There really was one of these in Miami Vice. 894 00:46:27,720 --> 00:46:31,760 Don Johnson drove around in it with his sleeves rolled up, looking cool. 895 00:46:31,800 --> 00:46:35,320 And, in fact, this is a Scarab Thunder, 896 00:46:35,360 --> 00:46:38,520 and it was built specially for a television series 897 00:46:38,560 --> 00:46:40,560 called Thunder starring Hulk Hogan. 898 00:46:40,600 --> 00:46:42,600 It lasted one season. 899 00:46:42,640 --> 00:46:44,400 It was crap. 900 00:46:44,440 --> 00:46:46,200 But the boat exists. 901 00:46:52,120 --> 00:46:54,120 JEREMY: Another funny thing about boats. 902 00:46:54,160 --> 00:47:00,960 When you have a car, you never, ever run it at max revs all day. 903 00:47:01,000 --> 00:47:02,800 But with boats, that's what you do. 904 00:47:04,040 --> 00:47:06,000 Have you ever driven a car where you've just... 905 00:47:06,040 --> 00:47:09,000 maxed it from the moment you start in the morning 906 00:47:09,040 --> 00:47:11,040 and left it maxed all day? 907 00:47:12,320 --> 00:47:14,600 Yeah, I had a company Renault Clio for a while 908 00:47:14,640 --> 00:47:16,480 and that's how I drove it. 909 00:47:20,000 --> 00:47:22,400 JAMES: Meanwhile, a long way further back, 910 00:47:22,440 --> 00:47:27,040 I was contemplating the enormity of this incredible river. 911 00:47:29,320 --> 00:47:31,320 JAMES: Here's a stat for you. 912 00:47:31,360 --> 00:47:33,480 The volume of fish caught in the Mekong 913 00:47:33,520 --> 00:47:36,960 is 13 times greater than the volume of fish 914 00:47:37,000 --> 00:47:41,280 caught in all of America's inland waterways combined. 915 00:47:41,320 --> 00:47:46,040 60 million people depend on the Mekong for food or their livelihood. 916 00:47:46,080 --> 00:47:48,080 60 million people. 917 00:47:49,480 --> 00:47:52,680 So messing this up with things like damming 918 00:47:53,800 --> 00:47:55,800 could be as bad as nuclear war. 919 00:48:00,400 --> 00:48:03,240 RICHARD: Up ahead, Jeremy and I were trying to create 920 00:48:03,280 --> 00:48:07,120 a professional impression at the Vietnamese border checkpoint. 921 00:48:08,720 --> 00:48:11,040 -Oh, that hasn't worked. -(HEAVY THUD) 922 00:48:11,080 --> 00:48:13,440 -Oh. -(HEAVY THUD) 923 00:48:14,440 --> 00:48:15,760 JEREMY: Yeah. 924 00:48:15,800 --> 00:48:17,800 -Hi. -Thank you. 925 00:48:17,840 --> 00:48:20,840 We're experienced travellers passing through. 926 00:48:20,880 --> 00:48:22,680 Yeah, we were born in boats, really. 927 00:48:26,720 --> 00:48:28,680 Hammond, I'm really sorry, 928 00:48:28,720 --> 00:48:30,720 but the customs man's dog has died. 929 00:48:32,720 --> 00:48:35,240 Oh, no. Oh, what a terrible time to arrive. 930 00:48:35,280 --> 00:48:37,320 I'm not sure he's gonna be very happy. 931 00:48:38,360 --> 00:48:40,440 Hello. 932 00:48:40,480 --> 00:48:43,000 I'm beginning to suspect there may be man-made fibres 933 00:48:43,040 --> 00:48:45,480 involved in this shirt of mine. 934 00:48:45,520 --> 00:48:47,520 It's uncomfortable. 935 00:48:50,320 --> 00:48:51,840 JEREMY: With the paperwork done, 936 00:48:51,880 --> 00:48:54,640 I observed nautical courtesy with the flags, 937 00:48:56,120 --> 00:48:58,080 donned a PBR-crew black beret... 938 00:48:58,120 --> 00:48:59,200 Right. 939 00:49:00,200 --> 00:49:03,480 ...and roared into the Nam. 940 00:49:03,520 --> 00:49:06,800 ♪ Some folks are born, made to wave the flag ♪ 941 00:49:06,840 --> 00:49:08,840 ♪ Ooh, they're red, white and blue ♪ 942 00:49:10,720 --> 00:49:13,680 ♪ And when the band plays Hail To The Chief ♪ 943 00:49:13,720 --> 00:49:15,440 ♪ Ooh, they point the cannon at you... ♪ 944 00:49:15,480 --> 00:49:18,600 Suddenly, the PBR is feeling alive and sprightly. 945 00:49:18,640 --> 00:49:21,520 ♪ It ain't me ♪ 946 00:49:21,560 --> 00:49:24,120 ♪ I ain't no senator's son, son ♪ 947 00:49:25,760 --> 00:49:27,520 This is what it was built to do, 948 00:49:27,560 --> 00:49:31,800 hammer down the Mekong River in Vietnam. 949 00:49:31,840 --> 00:49:35,320 ♪ Some folks are born, silver spoon in hand ♪ 950 00:49:35,360 --> 00:49:39,120 ♪ Lord, don't they help themselves, oh ♪ 951 00:49:39,160 --> 00:49:43,080 ♪ But when the taxman comes to the door ♪ 952 00:49:43,120 --> 00:49:46,760 ♪ Lord, the house looks like a rummage sale, yeah ♪ 953 00:49:46,800 --> 00:49:49,520 Cambodia, Mekong River virtually empty. 954 00:49:49,560 --> 00:49:53,840 In Vietnam now, Mekong River very full of commerce. 955 00:49:53,880 --> 00:49:57,560 ♪ It ain't me, it ain't me ♪ 956 00:49:57,600 --> 00:49:59,600 ♪ I'm no fortunate one, no ♪ 957 00:50:01,600 --> 00:50:03,760 JAMES: I, too, was in Vietnam at this point, 958 00:50:03,800 --> 00:50:07,240 and something was dawning on me. 959 00:50:07,280 --> 00:50:10,640 Strikes me I'm being a bit of a mug because I'm thrashing this boat, 960 00:50:10,680 --> 00:50:15,480 but it only does 23 km/h, about 11.5 knots, 961 00:50:15,520 --> 00:50:18,720 and I'm trying to catch up with people I don't even want to be with anyway. 962 00:50:18,760 --> 00:50:23,240 So, I decided to ease off and break out my new fishing rod. 963 00:50:31,760 --> 00:50:34,200 That is working a treat. I should really have a spinner on 964 00:50:34,240 --> 00:50:36,080 or something like that, but... 965 00:50:37,720 --> 00:50:39,320 Yeah, that's fishing. 966 00:50:39,360 --> 00:50:41,840 In the most densely fish-populated 967 00:50:41,880 --> 00:50:43,320 fishing place in the world. 968 00:50:51,480 --> 00:50:54,520 JEREMY: After a few miles, I turned off the Mekong 969 00:50:54,560 --> 00:50:58,160 and asked Hammond to follow me to the town of Chau Doc. 970 00:51:00,840 --> 00:51:05,680 And this time, when we arrived under the watchful gaze of yet more officials, 971 00:51:05,720 --> 00:51:07,640 we were determined to park well. 972 00:51:13,680 --> 00:51:16,320 Jeremy? You've now got my boat and I'm not on it! 973 00:51:16,360 --> 00:51:18,160 JEREMY: What? 974 00:51:18,200 --> 00:51:20,280 I'm not on it and it's no longer tied on! 975 00:51:20,320 --> 00:51:22,480 - It's not tied on on that end? -No, it's come off! 976 00:51:22,520 --> 00:51:24,920 -Why didn't you tie it on? -I thought I had! 977 00:51:24,960 --> 00:51:28,520 Oh, for God's sake. Your boat's got free, Hammond. 978 00:51:28,560 --> 00:51:32,960 I quickly picked up Richard so he could re-acquire his boat. 979 00:51:33,000 --> 00:51:34,960 -(ALARM BLARES) -OK, that's that test concluded, 980 00:51:35,000 --> 00:51:37,120 "Where would it go?" test. It went to there. 981 00:51:37,160 --> 00:51:38,960 JEREMY: Yeah, exactly. So we now know-- 982 00:51:39,000 --> 00:51:42,160 That's the drift, we've established the drift, it goes that way. 983 00:51:42,200 --> 00:51:44,720 Everything we need to know. 984 00:51:44,760 --> 00:51:47,720 JEREMY: Finally, we managed to tie ourselves to some land. 985 00:51:47,760 --> 00:51:51,000 And that is how we do that. 986 00:51:51,040 --> 00:51:53,440 And it was at this point Hammond got the joke. 987 00:51:53,480 --> 00:51:55,320 (RICHARD LAUGHS) 988 00:51:55,360 --> 00:51:58,560 -I've just seen it! -What? 989 00:51:58,600 --> 00:52:00,960 What you've done to my boat. 990 00:52:01,000 --> 00:52:03,520 -Have I been... -Yes, all day. 991 00:52:03,560 --> 00:52:06,000 -How have I not seen that? -You haven't seen it all day. 992 00:52:06,040 --> 00:52:10,080 You've been through Cambodian customs, Vietnamese immigration, 993 00:52:10,120 --> 00:52:11,720 -Vietnamese customs. -Oh, my God! 994 00:52:11,760 --> 00:52:14,800 You've driven probably 100 miles down the Mekong. 995 00:52:14,840 --> 00:52:17,640 -I waved at people. "Hi!" -The thing is, Hammond, 996 00:52:17,680 --> 00:52:19,960 it's very bad luck to change the name of a boat. 997 00:52:20,000 --> 00:52:21,160 Oh, God. 998 00:52:21,200 --> 00:52:23,360 Anyway, I'll leave you to ponder that. 999 00:52:23,400 --> 00:52:25,120 The reason why... 1000 00:52:26,600 --> 00:52:29,160 we've parked here in this quite tight spot 1001 00:52:29,200 --> 00:52:31,520 and come to this town is because 1002 00:52:33,240 --> 00:52:35,000 I want to tell you a little story. 1003 00:52:37,520 --> 00:52:40,240 On January 31st, 1968 1004 00:52:41,640 --> 00:52:43,920 the town of Chau Doc was overrun... 1005 00:52:45,440 --> 00:52:47,080 as part of the Tet Offensive. 1006 00:52:55,480 --> 00:52:57,600 (GUNFIRE) 1007 00:52:57,640 --> 00:53:02,800 A flotilla of PBRs set about rescuing Americans 1008 00:53:02,840 --> 00:53:07,360 whilst others covered the evacuation with a stream of heavy machine-gun fire. 1009 00:53:13,240 --> 00:53:15,960 It then turned out that in a house near the hospital, 1010 00:53:16,000 --> 00:53:20,480 a 24-year-old American nurse called Maggie Frankot was stranded. 1011 00:53:20,520 --> 00:53:22,760 Her Jeep was shot to pieces. 1012 00:53:22,800 --> 00:53:24,600 The fighting was everywhere. 1013 00:53:24,640 --> 00:53:26,800 There were Viet Cong soldiers all around her house. 1014 00:53:26,840 --> 00:53:29,720 Some of them were even in it. 1015 00:53:29,760 --> 00:53:31,040 (GUNFIRE) 1016 00:53:31,080 --> 00:53:33,960 Special Forces soldiers brought in by the PBRs 1017 00:53:34,000 --> 00:53:36,440 eventually reached Maggie's location. 1018 00:53:38,680 --> 00:53:40,400 And after a massive battle, 1019 00:53:40,440 --> 00:53:43,400 she was dragged from the house with an injured knee 1020 00:53:43,440 --> 00:53:45,440 and carried to one of the waiting boats. 1021 00:53:48,840 --> 00:53:52,680 Afterwards, the Special Forces soldier responsible for these heroics, 1022 00:53:52,720 --> 00:53:57,400 Sergeant Drew Dix, was honoured with a Presidential Citation. 1023 00:54:02,160 --> 00:54:04,440 But the captain of the PBR 1024 00:54:04,480 --> 00:54:07,760 that sped her away from the town and to safety, 1025 00:54:07,800 --> 00:54:11,320 a man called Lieutenant William H Buddy O'Brien, 1026 00:54:11,360 --> 00:54:14,360 did even better because, a year later... 1027 00:54:15,640 --> 00:54:17,000 she married him. 1028 00:54:22,840 --> 00:54:24,840 I should call this thing The Love Boat. 1029 00:54:29,480 --> 00:54:32,200 As it was getting late, I decided to pull over 1030 00:54:32,240 --> 00:54:34,080 and use my improvised kitchen 1031 00:54:34,120 --> 00:54:38,560 to produce something I'd learned on a recent holiday. 1032 00:54:38,600 --> 00:54:40,600 -I came to Vietnam, as you know... -Yes. 1033 00:54:40,640 --> 00:54:42,480 And in the mornings, I learnt Vietnamese, 1034 00:54:42,520 --> 00:54:44,800 and then in the afternoons, I did a cookery course 1035 00:54:44,840 --> 00:54:46,240 on how to make Pho. 1036 00:54:47,600 --> 00:54:50,240 I mean, a lot of people think I'm just this big, 1037 00:54:50,280 --> 00:54:52,280 blundering idiot that can't wire a plug. 1038 00:54:52,320 --> 00:54:54,840 -That's the fella I'm thinking about. -Absolutely right, I am. 1039 00:54:54,880 --> 00:54:57,760 -Do you like onions? -Yeah. 1040 00:54:57,800 --> 00:55:00,960 Now, this is good-quality beef. 1041 00:55:01,000 --> 00:55:03,280 I'm tempted to cook it a bit on the ladle. 1042 00:55:04,880 --> 00:55:08,560 In Pho, there are 124 different herbs and spices. 1043 00:55:08,600 --> 00:55:11,480 Erm...the... the car element 1044 00:55:11,520 --> 00:55:15,920 of our car show is less prominent at the moment. 1045 00:55:15,960 --> 00:55:18,720 Because we're on a boat talking about cooking. 1046 00:55:18,760 --> 00:55:20,600 -But in a minute... -Yes? 1047 00:55:20,640 --> 00:55:23,360 ...or a second, they'll cut back to James 1048 00:55:23,400 --> 00:55:25,480 who will be talking about some mechanical thing. 1049 00:55:25,520 --> 00:55:26,920 You're right. 1050 00:55:26,960 --> 00:55:29,960 Oh, listen to that interesting beat. 1051 00:55:30,000 --> 00:55:31,760 (ENGINE HUMMING) 1052 00:55:31,800 --> 00:55:35,240 My engine goes in and out of phase with the engine on the camera boat. 1053 00:55:35,280 --> 00:55:36,840 Can you hear it? 1054 00:55:36,880 --> 00:55:39,040 If I change the revs by a tiny amount... 1055 00:55:42,920 --> 00:55:44,600 Whir, whir, whir... 1056 00:55:46,240 --> 00:55:48,240 -Right, we are good to go. -Thank you. 1057 00:55:51,320 --> 00:55:52,640 Oh, I say! 1058 00:55:52,680 --> 00:55:54,160 This is not half bad. 1059 00:55:54,200 --> 00:55:56,080 Seriously? Or are you just being nice to me? 1060 00:55:56,120 --> 00:55:57,880 No, it is... It is genuinely very good. 1061 00:55:59,720 --> 00:56:02,680 Look at that view. 1062 00:56:02,720 --> 00:56:05,480 RICHARD: Mm. 1063 00:56:05,520 --> 00:56:07,120 JEREMY: After we'd had our fill, 1064 00:56:07,160 --> 00:56:08,960 it was time to clear up. 1065 00:56:09,000 --> 00:56:11,440 -That's really hot! -Yeah, it is hot. 1066 00:56:11,480 --> 00:56:12,880 -Yeah. -Let go. 1067 00:56:12,920 --> 00:56:15,320 Observe the genius that I am. 1068 00:56:17,560 --> 00:56:19,200 We're not polluting the river, by the way. 1069 00:56:19,240 --> 00:56:20,800 That all adds to the nutrients, doesn't it? 1070 00:56:20,840 --> 00:56:22,600 -That's biodegradable. -That is not polluting the river. 1071 00:56:22,640 --> 00:56:24,520 Anyone who writes in and says you're polluting the river, 1072 00:56:24,560 --> 00:56:27,160 -I shall write back and go, "No, we're just not." -"You're an arse!" 1073 00:56:28,640 --> 00:56:30,200 There they are, I think. 1074 00:56:31,480 --> 00:56:33,000 Yes. 1075 00:56:33,040 --> 00:56:35,440 May, is that you coming out of the gloom? 1076 00:56:35,480 --> 00:56:37,800 Yes, it is. Ahoy. 1077 00:56:37,840 --> 00:56:39,640 Perfect timing, mate, we're leaving. 1078 00:56:39,680 --> 00:56:41,360 We've gotta go find the Mekong. 1079 00:56:41,400 --> 00:56:43,560 Hang on, I thought we were having a Pho? 1080 00:56:43,600 --> 00:56:45,600 RICHARD OVER RADIO: We did have one. It was brilliant. 1081 00:56:45,640 --> 00:56:47,960 JEREMY OVER RADIO: Yeah, sorry, I tried to save you some 1082 00:56:48,000 --> 00:56:50,000 but Richard threw it in the river, 1083 00:56:50,040 --> 00:56:52,920 literally threw your portion in the river. 1084 00:56:52,960 --> 00:56:55,880 Well, thanks very much after my very arduous day. 1085 00:56:58,400 --> 00:57:01,360 JEREMY: Sadly, his day was about to get even more arduous 1086 00:57:01,400 --> 00:57:04,280 because we had to re-find the Mekong, 1087 00:57:04,320 --> 00:57:07,400 and I was the only one equipped for night running. 1088 00:57:11,240 --> 00:57:12,880 JAMES: My situation update. 1089 00:57:12,920 --> 00:57:15,080 I am steering by my head torch 1090 00:57:15,120 --> 00:57:17,440 strapped to the flagpole thing on the front. 1091 00:57:20,240 --> 00:57:22,160 Oh, shit. Oh, shit. 1092 00:57:24,280 --> 00:57:26,440 Why do I always end up with no headlights? 1093 00:57:26,480 --> 00:57:29,080 Every bloody trip. 1094 00:57:29,120 --> 00:57:31,600 RICHARD: And to make things worse... 1095 00:57:31,640 --> 00:57:33,640 Gentlemen, I have a poorly engine. 1096 00:57:33,680 --> 00:57:35,680 It's overheating badly. 1097 00:57:35,720 --> 00:57:37,720 It's starting to backfire and cough. 1098 00:57:37,760 --> 00:57:39,600 The reason you're having all these problems 1099 00:57:39,640 --> 00:57:41,800 is because you've changed the name of your boat. 1100 00:57:41,840 --> 00:57:46,080 RICHARD OVER RADIO: Yes, well, I didn't change it, did I? 1101 00:57:46,120 --> 00:57:49,480 JEREMY: As I was the only one with sat nav and a proper light, 1102 00:57:49,520 --> 00:57:51,520 it was up to me to navigate. 1103 00:57:53,760 --> 00:57:56,640 And I just saw a little passageway. Hang on. 1104 00:57:58,200 --> 00:58:00,200 There is, there is a passageway. 1105 00:58:00,240 --> 00:58:02,440 Follow me. 1106 00:58:02,480 --> 00:58:04,080 JEREMY OVER RADIO: I know this looks dodgy 1107 00:58:04,120 --> 00:58:05,840 but this is the way back to the Mekong. 1108 00:58:05,880 --> 00:58:07,360 Ooh. 1109 00:58:07,400 --> 00:58:09,800 JEREMY: However, as soon as I made the turn, 1110 00:58:09,840 --> 00:58:12,200 I realised I had a problem. 1111 00:58:15,240 --> 00:58:17,240 Not more weeds. Please God, no. 1112 00:58:21,200 --> 00:58:23,800 Any minute now, I'm under the boat, 1113 00:58:23,840 --> 00:58:26,680 picking bits of lettuce out of my jets. 1114 00:58:29,480 --> 00:58:32,560 And, sure enough, 100 yards later... 1115 00:58:32,600 --> 00:58:34,600 (ENGINE REVS) 1116 00:58:41,200 --> 00:58:43,200 That's me dead. I have no drive. 1117 00:58:45,760 --> 00:58:49,440 I solved this by paying a local to clear the intakes. 1118 00:58:51,640 --> 00:58:55,400 And then I soldiered on with him and our translator for company. 1119 00:58:55,440 --> 00:58:58,840 This was useful because it meant I could clear up something 1120 00:58:58,880 --> 00:59:01,040 that had been puzzling me. 1121 00:59:01,080 --> 00:59:03,080 Could you answer this for me? 1122 00:59:03,120 --> 00:59:05,120 My boat is called... (RAISED INFLEXION): Du Ma. 1123 00:59:05,160 --> 00:59:07,160 (LAUGHS) 1124 00:59:07,200 --> 00:59:10,120 And everybody laughs when I go, "Du Ma." 1125 00:59:13,600 --> 00:59:15,600 But it means "Boat Machine." 1126 00:59:16,920 --> 00:59:18,720 Boat Machine? 1127 00:59:18,760 --> 00:59:20,760 Du: boat. Ma: machine. 1128 00:59:22,000 --> 00:59:24,000 So, why is that funny? 1129 00:59:29,880 --> 00:59:32,240 -What? -Mmm. (LAUGHS) 1130 00:59:32,280 --> 00:59:34,240 -Yes. -You're joking? 1131 00:59:34,280 --> 00:59:35,880 Oh, right. 1132 00:59:35,920 --> 00:59:38,640 I'm losing drive. I'm losing drive. 1133 00:59:38,680 --> 00:59:40,640 -(HEAVY THUD) -Oh, shit. 1134 00:59:40,680 --> 00:59:42,680 I'm in a tree. Big problem. 1135 00:59:44,600 --> 00:59:47,320 As it was late and Hammond's boat was poorly, 1136 00:59:47,360 --> 00:59:50,840 and I was in a tree, we decided to make camp. 1137 00:59:54,760 --> 00:59:57,720 And we woke the next morning in a blanket of drizzle 1138 00:59:57,760 --> 01:00:00,200 with no idea where we were. 1139 01:00:01,880 --> 01:00:04,840 It's all gone a bit English-boating-holiday, hasn't it? 1140 01:00:04,880 --> 01:00:06,160 Yeah. 1141 01:00:06,200 --> 01:00:08,480 Why did he turn off the Mekong, anyway? 1142 01:00:08,520 --> 01:00:13,240 He wanted to stop off and make a history programme or something. 1143 01:00:13,280 --> 01:00:16,320 No, listen, he did a cooking show last night as well. You missed that. 1144 01:00:16,360 --> 01:00:19,360 My pho was so light and beautiful... 1145 01:00:19,400 --> 01:00:21,440 Oh, this man's going to see me! 1146 01:00:21,480 --> 01:00:24,040 RICHARD: They're gonna be scarred for life. 1147 01:00:25,080 --> 01:00:26,960 -Morning. -(DOGS BARKING) 1148 01:00:28,000 --> 01:00:31,080 If he falls in and follows his own turd-- 1149 01:00:31,120 --> 01:00:34,520 -Trousers. -..into the lavatory bowl... 1150 01:00:34,560 --> 01:00:36,720 and emerges with it stuck to his head... 1151 01:00:36,760 --> 01:00:40,760 Someone would say, "There's a particularly massive turd in the river this morning." 1152 01:00:40,800 --> 01:00:44,000 JAMES: With the morning ablutions complete, 1153 01:00:44,040 --> 01:00:45,840 it was time to move on. 1154 01:00:48,400 --> 01:00:51,080 And, since it was Jeremy who'd got us lost, 1155 01:00:51,120 --> 01:00:54,960 we decided it was up to him to get us un-lost. 1156 01:00:55,000 --> 01:00:57,160 You're in charge of charts. Lead the way. 1157 01:00:57,200 --> 01:00:59,840 We shall reacquire the Mekong very soon. 1158 01:00:59,880 --> 01:01:02,960 Yeah, I hope so. For your sake, really. 1159 01:01:05,520 --> 01:01:08,120 JEREMY: I admit we are entirely lost 1160 01:01:08,160 --> 01:01:11,160 and none of these canals are marked on the map. 1161 01:01:13,520 --> 01:01:15,600 (SNIFFS) Ooh. 1162 01:01:17,520 --> 01:01:20,960 JEREMY: A few miles later, while still not on the Mekong, 1163 01:01:21,000 --> 01:01:23,320 we came across a floating market... 1164 01:01:23,360 --> 01:01:25,720 (LIVELY CHATTER) 1165 01:01:25,760 --> 01:01:28,800 ...and decided to buy some breakfast. 1166 01:01:30,520 --> 01:01:32,880 RICHARD: It's not really a supermarket, is it? 1167 01:01:32,920 --> 01:01:34,680 Where do I... What do I do? 1168 01:01:34,720 --> 01:01:37,160 JEREMY: You drive in there, pull up alongside a boat 1169 01:01:37,200 --> 01:01:40,360 where you like the look of the produce, and then buy it. 1170 01:01:41,880 --> 01:01:44,840 For Richard and James, this turned out to be easy. 1171 01:01:44,880 --> 01:01:46,840 -Thank you. -Thank you. 1172 01:01:46,880 --> 01:01:50,880 But for me, in the unruly PBR... 1173 01:01:50,920 --> 01:01:52,320 Oh, my God! 1174 01:01:52,360 --> 01:01:54,280 (BLEEP) hell! 1175 01:01:54,320 --> 01:01:56,640 I can't steer it. 1176 01:01:56,680 --> 01:01:58,560 -Oh, my giddy aunt. -(CRASHING) 1177 01:01:58,600 --> 01:02:01,040 -(WOMAN CALLS OUT) -Sorry. Sorry. 1178 01:02:01,080 --> 01:02:03,800 I'm just... I'm gonna have... Oh, no, no, no, no. 1179 01:02:03,840 --> 01:02:06,920 -(CRASHING) -Hammond, I've smashed your window. 1180 01:02:06,960 --> 01:02:08,800 Yeah, I can see that. 1181 01:02:08,840 --> 01:02:10,280 -Yeah. -(BEEPING) 1182 01:02:10,320 --> 01:02:12,400 -Stop beeping! JAMES: Hello, hello. 1183 01:02:12,440 --> 01:02:14,280 Hello. What's that? 1184 01:02:14,320 --> 01:02:17,440 -(SHE LAUGHS) Yes. -50 cents. OK. 1185 01:02:17,480 --> 01:02:21,600 -OK. OK. -I've bought... What are they? 1186 01:02:21,640 --> 01:02:23,960 -Move the...! -(THUD) 1187 01:02:24,000 --> 01:02:25,480 Ooh. Sorry. 1188 01:02:25,520 --> 01:02:27,640 I'll go over here. I meant... 1189 01:02:27,680 --> 01:02:29,400 -(THUD) -Don't... 1190 01:02:29,440 --> 01:02:31,600 Don't spin around again. Oh, no! 1191 01:02:31,640 --> 01:02:33,520 -(THUD) -Sorry. 1192 01:02:33,560 --> 01:02:36,200 JAMES: Tomatoes. Excellent. And an onion. 1193 01:02:36,240 --> 01:02:39,240 Thank you. No idea what that is. 1194 01:02:39,280 --> 01:02:41,800 JEREMY: Wait a minute. This is looking good. 1195 01:02:41,840 --> 01:02:44,360 I think, for once... Oh, no, no, no, no, no. 1196 01:02:44,400 --> 01:02:45,880 -It's gone wrong. -(THUD) 1197 01:02:45,920 --> 01:02:48,080 Oh, God. Sorry. I'm gonna break his rudder. 1198 01:02:48,120 --> 01:02:51,320 Oh... Yeah. 1199 01:02:51,360 --> 01:02:53,400 JEREMY: I eventually left empty-handed. 1200 01:02:53,440 --> 01:02:56,280 But, as James prepared his breakfast... 1201 01:02:56,320 --> 01:02:58,040 Ahh! 1202 01:02:59,080 --> 01:03:01,360 ...we found the Mekong. 1203 01:03:01,400 --> 01:03:04,440 Sadly, however, it didn't end our problems. 1204 01:03:04,480 --> 01:03:08,320 If we followed this particular bit of the Mekong, or this one, 1205 01:03:08,360 --> 01:03:09,840 or any of the others, 1206 01:03:09,880 --> 01:03:11,520 we'd end up in the sea, 1207 01:03:11,560 --> 01:03:13,280 and avoiding any form of sea 1208 01:03:13,320 --> 01:03:15,760 in our riverboats was critical. 1209 01:03:15,800 --> 01:03:20,240 So, we had to find another path through the delta. 1210 01:03:20,280 --> 01:03:22,440 This meant turning off the Mekong again 1211 01:03:22,480 --> 01:03:26,480 and onto another canal, which made Hammond very angry. 1212 01:03:26,520 --> 01:03:28,440 RICHARD OVER RADIO: Oh, this looks weird! 1213 01:03:28,480 --> 01:03:30,280 We're on another bloody canal! 1214 01:03:31,320 --> 01:03:33,320 Oh, for God's sake. 1215 01:03:33,360 --> 01:03:36,240 Hammond, if I still had 50 cals on the front of this, 1216 01:03:36,280 --> 01:03:39,080 I promise I would open up on you right now. 1217 01:03:39,120 --> 01:03:41,080 RICHARD OVER RADIO: Yes, well, you haven't. And there's a reason for that. 1218 01:03:41,120 --> 01:03:43,960 Because you'd probably lose them the same way you lost the massive river. 1219 01:03:44,000 --> 01:03:45,920 You'd lose your massive machine gun. 1220 01:03:47,000 --> 01:03:50,040 It cannot be this way. 1221 01:03:54,680 --> 01:03:57,480 JEREMY: I was convinced we were going in the right direction 1222 01:03:57,520 --> 01:03:59,880 and for the right reasons. 1223 01:03:59,920 --> 01:04:04,560 But, still, none of these canals appeared on my sat-nav system. 1224 01:04:14,040 --> 01:04:18,640 OK. So, we're going south. We're going the wrong way. 1225 01:04:18,680 --> 01:04:20,840 If I do a left and a right... 1226 01:04:20,880 --> 01:04:22,720 we'll wiggle about and I'll be fine. 1227 01:04:31,440 --> 01:04:33,080 I think there's a left turn here. 1228 01:04:33,120 --> 01:04:36,960 If we take this, I think that'll help us find the correct Mekong. 1229 01:04:37,000 --> 01:04:39,800 Or just get us more lost. 1230 01:04:39,840 --> 01:04:43,680 Jeremy Clarkson, would you like to rethink this? This is your chance. 1231 01:04:44,920 --> 01:04:47,120 (EXHALES) Calm. 1232 01:04:48,360 --> 01:04:52,080 Eventually, we came to an aquatic T-junction. 1233 01:04:59,600 --> 01:05:02,160 So, which way is it? 1234 01:05:04,720 --> 01:05:06,880 Right, chaps, we're gonna go... 1235 01:05:06,920 --> 01:05:09,440 Take a right, James. 1236 01:05:10,560 --> 01:05:12,320 RICHARD: I followed James, 1237 01:05:12,360 --> 01:05:16,200 which meant Jeremy was directing us from the back. 1238 01:05:16,240 --> 01:05:19,600 So this right turn that you announced with absolute confidence 1239 01:05:19,640 --> 01:05:21,200 is based on what? 1240 01:05:21,240 --> 01:05:23,320 JEREMY OVER RADIO: Hope. 1241 01:05:25,160 --> 01:05:26,680 Hammond, when you get through that, 1242 01:05:26,720 --> 01:05:28,960 could you just look back and see if I can? 1243 01:05:29,000 --> 01:05:31,160 -What? -Hammond! Hammond! Hammond! 1244 01:05:31,200 --> 01:05:33,280 Oh, oh, oh, that's not gonna work! 1245 01:05:34,320 --> 01:05:36,000 (THUDDING) 1246 01:05:38,160 --> 01:05:39,640 Ah, that didn't fit. 1247 01:05:39,680 --> 01:05:42,000 -Thanks, Hammond! -Well, I was... I... I... 1248 01:05:42,040 --> 01:05:44,760 I was getting through before I could turn round. 1249 01:05:44,800 --> 01:05:48,120 Do you know what that means, Hammond? The nav's gone. 1250 01:05:48,160 --> 01:05:51,000 Oh, well, it's done us a lot of bloody good so far, hasn't it! 1251 01:05:51,040 --> 01:05:54,120 Oh, we've lost the thing that's got us lost! 1252 01:05:56,120 --> 01:05:58,880 RICHARD: As we continued, the problems started 1253 01:05:58,920 --> 01:06:02,320 to come not from above but from below. 1254 01:06:03,760 --> 01:06:06,880 (DULL THUDDING) 1255 01:06:06,920 --> 01:06:09,760 I think I'm bumping the bottom here occasionally. 1256 01:06:09,800 --> 01:06:12,120 I think I did just now, as well. 1257 01:06:12,160 --> 01:06:14,360 (DULL THUDDING) 1258 01:06:14,400 --> 01:06:16,680 Oh, I am hitting the bottom. 1259 01:06:16,720 --> 01:06:18,200 (DULL THUDDING CONTINUES) 1260 01:06:22,080 --> 01:06:24,360 Oh, wait a minute. 1261 01:06:26,400 --> 01:06:30,120 Hammond, it's a dead end. It's a dead end, for God's sake. 1262 01:06:31,160 --> 01:06:32,960 (DULL THUDDING) 1263 01:06:33,000 --> 01:06:36,360 -(ENGINE WHINING) -(HIGH-PITCHED TONE) 1264 01:06:37,560 --> 01:06:39,560 Sod it, I'm beached. Completely beached. 1265 01:06:39,600 --> 01:06:44,680 RICHARD: You what? -And I can't turn round. Save yourself. 1266 01:06:44,720 --> 01:06:46,960 RICHARD: But it was too late for that. 1267 01:06:47,000 --> 01:06:50,680 -(DULL THUDDING) -Oh, for God's sake. 1268 01:06:50,720 --> 01:06:53,600 JEREMY: I could have turned round, but... 1269 01:06:53,640 --> 01:06:57,040 I'm weeded up. I'm losing drive. 1270 01:06:57,080 --> 01:07:01,120 I'm losing drive. I'm losing drive. 1271 01:07:01,160 --> 01:07:04,920 And you're looking for what? Sympathy? 1272 01:07:04,960 --> 01:07:07,600 JEREMY: Now all three of us were beached. 1273 01:07:10,160 --> 01:07:12,960 RICHARD: Well, this is crap, isn't it! 1274 01:07:13,000 --> 01:07:15,960 JEREMY: OK, chaps, here is the situation. 1275 01:07:16,000 --> 01:07:18,560 Using my intellect and genius, 1276 01:07:18,600 --> 01:07:21,120 I've deduced this is tidal. 1277 01:07:21,160 --> 01:07:22,720 We can see where the tide was, 1278 01:07:22,760 --> 01:07:26,600 so we simply have to wait for it to come back up again. 1279 01:07:26,640 --> 01:07:29,880 -Yeah, but it's going down. -Yes, that's my worry. 1280 01:07:29,920 --> 01:07:34,640 Whatever happens, we are definitely stuck here for a little while. 1281 01:07:36,920 --> 01:07:40,280 JEREMY: It's actually a really nice spot, weirdly. 1282 01:07:40,320 --> 01:07:44,000 Apart from the slowly-exposed bucket of fetid mud. 1283 01:07:47,000 --> 01:07:49,480 JAMES: Do you want a tomato? -No. 1284 01:07:49,520 --> 01:07:51,000 -Do you want a potato? -No. 1285 01:07:51,040 --> 01:07:53,240 -Would you like an onion? -No. 1286 01:07:56,840 --> 01:07:59,840 Guys. I've got my iPad. I can watch a movie. 1287 01:07:59,880 --> 01:08:01,680 There's a show on Prime Video here, 1288 01:08:01,720 --> 01:08:03,320 it's called The Grand Tour. 1289 01:08:03,360 --> 01:08:05,440 RICHARD: I don't like it. JAMES: It's rubbish. 1290 01:08:05,480 --> 01:08:09,000 RICHARD: There's this one bloke on it I can't stand. 1291 01:08:11,040 --> 01:08:15,440 What are the locals thinking right now about us? 1292 01:08:15,480 --> 01:08:19,240 "They're making a movie and they've (BLEEP) it up completely." 1293 01:08:19,280 --> 01:08:21,520 (LAUGHS) 1294 01:08:21,560 --> 01:08:25,560 JEREMY: Another hour passed, and with the water still draining away, 1295 01:08:25,600 --> 01:08:27,360 it went dark. 1296 01:08:33,120 --> 01:08:36,600 Having waited most of the night, in a cloud of mosquitos, 1297 01:08:36,640 --> 01:08:38,680 for the tide to refloat us, 1298 01:08:38,720 --> 01:08:42,800 we retraced our steps and suffered more damage in the process. 1299 01:08:42,840 --> 01:08:44,160 (BARKING) 1300 01:08:44,200 --> 01:08:45,960 So, the bridge that 1301 01:08:46,000 --> 01:08:48,240 ruined the radar dome on the way in, 1302 01:08:48,280 --> 01:08:51,320 on the way out, knocked off my nav lights, 1303 01:08:51,360 --> 01:08:54,840 my spotlight, and bent my roof here. 1304 01:08:54,880 --> 01:08:57,560 Which means every time I walk past, I hit my head. 1305 01:08:57,600 --> 01:09:01,440 So...I'm gonna tie this on as a reminder 1306 01:09:01,520 --> 01:09:03,240 to not hit my head. 1307 01:09:04,800 --> 01:09:08,000 On the up-side, I had found the correct canal - 1308 01:09:08,040 --> 01:09:11,920 a route that would keep us away from the South China Sea. 1309 01:09:11,960 --> 01:09:15,800 Unfortunately, everyone else had found it too. 1310 01:09:15,840 --> 01:09:18,680 (HORNS HONKING) 1311 01:09:29,160 --> 01:09:31,160 Holy cow! 1312 01:09:31,200 --> 01:09:35,720 This like a motorway for water lorries. 1313 01:09:35,760 --> 01:09:38,320 -(HORN HONKS) -I have never seen the like. 1314 01:09:38,320 --> 01:09:41,760 And in order to have any steering in the PBR, 1315 01:09:41,800 --> 01:09:44,320 I had to go down the motorway... 1316 01:09:44,360 --> 01:09:46,360 as fast as possible. 1317 01:09:46,400 --> 01:09:49,040 ♪ WAGNER: Ride Of The Valkyries 1318 01:09:51,040 --> 01:09:52,920 Jinking to miss the cargo. 1319 01:09:52,960 --> 01:09:54,640 Oh, no, wait. I'm gonna go right. 1320 01:09:54,680 --> 01:09:56,600 Going right. Changed my mind. 1321 01:10:02,280 --> 01:10:05,200 This is a head-on. I'm heading for a head-on. 1322 01:10:05,240 --> 01:10:07,560 -(HORN TOOTS) -(JEREMY CHUCKLES) 1323 01:10:08,680 --> 01:10:11,080 Look how loaded that barge is. 1324 01:10:11,120 --> 01:10:13,800 If you saw that anywhere else in the world, you'd say, 1325 01:10:13,840 --> 01:10:15,720 "Oh, my God! That's about to sink!" 1326 01:10:15,760 --> 01:10:18,320 But, no, it's just plodding along. 1327 01:10:20,560 --> 01:10:22,840 What the hell's happened here? 1328 01:10:22,880 --> 01:10:25,320 Holy cow. 1329 01:10:25,360 --> 01:10:28,960 I think what's happened is he's beached the back end of it 1330 01:10:29,000 --> 01:10:30,800 and now he's spun round... 1331 01:10:30,840 --> 01:10:33,320 Oh, this is just hilarious. 1332 01:10:33,320 --> 01:10:36,640 Oh, dear, oh, dear. That's really bad. 1333 01:10:36,680 --> 01:10:39,200 How did he do that? 1334 01:10:39,240 --> 01:10:42,880 Mind you, you'd say that looking at us lot last night. 1335 01:10:42,920 --> 01:10:46,520 JAMES: Soon, however, this wasn't the only boat in trouble. 1336 01:10:46,560 --> 01:10:49,800 (ENGINE SPLUTTERING) 1337 01:10:49,840 --> 01:10:53,080 Oh, that smells terrible now and there's a lot of smoke. 1338 01:10:53,120 --> 01:10:56,120 Ohh... 1339 01:10:56,160 --> 01:10:59,200 My right-hand engine is overheating. 1340 01:10:59,240 --> 01:11:01,520 I think, actually, it might be on fire. 1341 01:11:01,560 --> 01:11:04,000 Still, at least it then rained, 1342 01:11:04,040 --> 01:11:07,320 so I didn't have to worry about the fire spreading. 1343 01:11:07,320 --> 01:11:09,680 (THUNDER) 1344 01:11:09,720 --> 01:11:12,440 Oh, God almighty! 1345 01:11:12,520 --> 01:11:14,120 JEREMY: Being a caring soul, 1346 01:11:14,160 --> 01:11:16,800 I decided to go back to see if I could help. 1347 01:11:16,840 --> 01:11:19,320 Switching to wet weather mode. 1348 01:11:19,360 --> 01:11:23,400 And I'll give James a fly-by. I know he enjoys them. 1349 01:11:23,440 --> 01:11:25,960 Here we go. 1350 01:11:26,000 --> 01:11:27,760 (THUDDING) 1351 01:11:27,800 --> 01:11:29,680 JAMES: Clarkson! 1352 01:11:29,720 --> 01:11:31,160 (LAUGHS) 1353 01:11:31,200 --> 01:11:32,760 (ENGINE SPLUTTERING) 1354 01:11:32,800 --> 01:11:34,280 JEREMY: What's the matter? 1355 01:11:34,320 --> 01:11:37,840 Uh, I've lost drive on both sides, pretty much. 1356 01:11:37,880 --> 01:11:40,560 Oh, actually, I know how to... 1357 01:11:40,600 --> 01:11:42,880 fix a slipping prop shaft. 1358 01:11:42,920 --> 01:11:45,920 -How? -Get the boat out of the water, 1359 01:11:45,960 --> 01:11:47,960 send for new parts from America, 1360 01:11:48,000 --> 01:11:50,640 and then ask a man to fit them. 1361 01:11:50,680 --> 01:11:54,000 JEREMY: With that advice dispensed, I was on my way back. 1362 01:11:58,200 --> 01:12:00,080 (CLINKING) 1363 01:12:00,120 --> 01:12:01,840 JAMES: Oh, no. 1364 01:12:01,880 --> 01:12:05,000 We're hoping to reach the finish point today. 1365 01:12:05,040 --> 01:12:08,320 We're only 100 kilometres now from Vung Tau. 1366 01:12:08,320 --> 01:12:13,400 But, at this rate, I'm not sure that's gonna happen. 1367 01:12:13,440 --> 01:12:16,440 RICHARD: In order to hold us up as little as possible, 1368 01:12:16,520 --> 01:12:18,680 I attached myself to a camera boat, 1369 01:12:18,720 --> 01:12:21,640 so I could do repairs on the move. 1370 01:12:21,680 --> 01:12:25,080 This one is not firing on all cylinders. That one's not good either. 1371 01:12:25,120 --> 01:12:27,880 I'm gonna change all of the plugs, all of the leads. 1372 01:12:27,920 --> 01:12:29,880 The fuel is filthy around here, 1373 01:12:29,920 --> 01:12:32,920 so I'm gonna change the fuel filters. 1374 01:12:32,960 --> 01:12:35,080 I'm gonna clean the air filters. 1375 01:12:35,120 --> 01:12:37,280 There is a leak coming through the exhaust stack 1376 01:12:37,320 --> 01:12:38,960 at the back, with a blown hose. 1377 01:12:39,000 --> 01:12:41,280 I've got to change that or I'll sink. 1378 01:12:41,320 --> 01:12:42,440 To work! 1379 01:12:44,000 --> 01:12:45,600 JAMES: Leaving Richard to try and mend 1380 01:12:45,640 --> 01:12:48,000 his burning colander... 1381 01:12:50,120 --> 01:12:53,520 I finally sailed clear of the rain. 1382 01:12:53,560 --> 01:12:55,440 Oh, no! 1383 01:12:57,320 --> 01:13:00,520 My expensive Bell & Ross is all fogged up. 1384 01:13:00,560 --> 01:13:02,400 That's going back. 1385 01:13:04,800 --> 01:13:07,520 JEREMY: Even further ahead, I'd left the canal 1386 01:13:07,560 --> 01:13:10,840 and was entering one of the delta's giant estuaries. 1387 01:13:16,080 --> 01:13:17,800 This one's a long way from home, 1388 01:13:17,840 --> 01:13:21,200 taking a lot of Vietnamese training shoes to Panama. 1389 01:13:26,520 --> 01:13:28,560 Power is good. Temperature's good. 1390 01:13:28,600 --> 01:13:34,320 Fuel is very... Ooh, Christ, fuel is very low. Oh, dear. 1391 01:13:34,360 --> 01:13:36,760 JEREMY: But, actually, that was OK 1392 01:13:36,800 --> 01:13:39,680 because in busy, industrious Vietnam 1393 01:13:39,720 --> 01:13:43,520 you can summon a Deliveroo-style refuelling boat. 1394 01:13:43,560 --> 01:13:46,040 I'm heading at 120 degrees. 1395 01:13:46,080 --> 01:13:48,280 OK, I'll keep my eye open. 1396 01:13:50,280 --> 01:13:53,320 And, sure enough, half an hour later... 1397 01:13:53,320 --> 01:13:56,240 -(HORN TOOTS) -Oh, here he is. 1398 01:13:56,280 --> 01:13:58,520 You see, this is service, 1399 01:13:58,560 --> 01:14:02,120 from this environmentally-friendly boat that's arrived. 1400 01:14:04,720 --> 01:14:07,840 I've been joined by the Rainbow Warrior. 1401 01:14:07,880 --> 01:14:11,000 Actually creating a lake of soot. 1402 01:14:14,960 --> 01:14:17,880 Once I'd refuelled, I sailed into what is - 1403 01:14:17,920 --> 01:14:19,920 for my boat at least... 1404 01:14:22,120 --> 01:14:24,120 home. 1405 01:14:26,760 --> 01:14:31,440 Today, this particular area is known as the National Biosphere. 1406 01:14:33,040 --> 01:14:35,800 This is one of the most fertile places on Earth. 1407 01:14:35,840 --> 01:14:37,640 Anything grows here. 1408 01:14:37,680 --> 01:14:39,240 You could plant Richard Hammond 1409 01:14:39,280 --> 01:14:41,680 and in the morning he'd be three feet taller. 1410 01:14:41,720 --> 01:14:44,800 But the Americans used to call it something different. 1411 01:14:44,840 --> 01:14:49,160 They called it The Forest of the Assassins. 1412 01:14:50,920 --> 01:14:53,400 And it was the job of the PBR boys 1413 01:14:53,440 --> 01:14:56,320 to root those assassins out. 1414 01:14:57,400 --> 01:14:59,040 That was no easy task 1415 01:14:59,080 --> 01:15:02,960 'cause we're talking about 500 square miles of forest, 1416 01:15:03,000 --> 01:15:07,560 criss-crossed by 3,000 miles of rivers and creeks. 1417 01:15:08,800 --> 01:15:10,360 It was the perfect place 1418 01:15:10,400 --> 01:15:13,440 for the Viet Cong to wage guerrilla warfare... 1419 01:15:16,640 --> 01:15:20,840 against America's little unarmoured war boats. 1420 01:15:20,880 --> 01:15:24,920 Initially, the crews were trained in America by the army, 1421 01:15:24,960 --> 01:15:27,760 and then they were trained by the navy, 1422 01:15:27,800 --> 01:15:31,880 and then they were told to just come out here and get on with it. 1423 01:15:34,760 --> 01:15:39,000 They literally put four teenagers, as often as not, 1424 01:15:39,040 --> 01:15:44,320 on an armed speedboat and sent them out here to do fighting. 1425 01:15:45,800 --> 01:15:47,520 Armaments? 1426 01:15:47,560 --> 01:15:51,000 Well, all of the boats had twin 50 cals upfront... 1427 01:15:52,800 --> 01:15:56,560 and a single 50 at the back. 1428 01:15:56,600 --> 01:16:00,160 But, beyond that, the captain could fit what he wanted. 1429 01:16:00,200 --> 01:16:03,400 Some went for 40-millimetre grenade launchers. 1430 01:16:03,440 --> 01:16:05,760 Some had 60-millimetre mortars. 1431 01:16:05,800 --> 01:16:08,000 Some had rocket launchers. 1432 01:16:08,040 --> 01:16:10,920 Some carried Claymore mines to leave on the banks. 1433 01:16:10,960 --> 01:16:16,200 And it was the same free-for-all when it came to air support. 1434 01:16:16,240 --> 01:16:21,400 Some PBR captains called in fast jets when they were attacked. 1435 01:16:21,440 --> 01:16:25,320 And some preferred to work in tandem with helicopter gunships. 1436 01:16:29,800 --> 01:16:33,440 Some guys, however, liked to handle the fight on their own. 1437 01:16:33,520 --> 01:16:35,920 There was one guy called James E Williams. 1438 01:16:35,960 --> 01:16:38,080 He came round a corner. His route was blocked 1439 01:16:38,120 --> 01:16:41,000 by eight enemy boats all firing at him. 1440 01:16:41,040 --> 01:16:44,600 So, he ordered his front machine-gunner to fire back, 1441 01:16:44,640 --> 01:16:46,720 and then engaged full speed 1442 01:16:46,760 --> 01:16:49,200 and rammed into the enemy boats. 1443 01:16:49,240 --> 01:16:52,880 Then he turned round, engaged full speed again, 1444 01:16:52,920 --> 01:16:56,960 and rammed into the ones that hadn't been turned into matchwood 1445 01:16:57,000 --> 01:16:59,080 on his first pass. 1446 01:16:59,120 --> 01:17:02,200 He got the Congressional Medal of Honor for that one. 1447 01:17:02,240 --> 01:17:05,320 And I'm not surprised. 1448 01:17:05,320 --> 01:17:07,920 Of course, you'd imagine that a plastic boat 1449 01:17:07,960 --> 01:17:12,680 would be easy pickings for a sniper hiding in the undergrowth. 1450 01:17:14,240 --> 01:17:18,440 But that's not so, as I shall now demonstrate. 1451 01:17:18,520 --> 01:17:20,920 (ENGINE REVS) 1452 01:17:23,920 --> 01:17:27,600 PBR captains would always drive very fast, 1453 01:17:27,640 --> 01:17:31,760 so they had steering, and very close to the bank. 1454 01:17:31,800 --> 01:17:34,000 If it was the bank where the sniper was hiding... 1455 01:17:34,040 --> 01:17:38,640 I mean, if you're in there, you've got no chance. 1456 01:17:38,680 --> 01:17:43,280 All you have to do is keep the hammer down and keep close to a bank. 1457 01:17:44,680 --> 01:17:46,680 Then you're a sniper's nightmare. 1458 01:17:46,720 --> 01:17:49,040 -(THUD) -Oh, shit. 1459 01:17:51,240 --> 01:17:53,240 (SCRAPING) 1460 01:17:58,960 --> 01:18:03,080 Right, what I've just done is - there's no other word - I've crashed. 1461 01:18:03,120 --> 01:18:04,440 (GROANS) 1462 01:18:04,520 --> 01:18:07,040 (MOTOR CHUGGING) 1463 01:18:11,640 --> 01:18:13,920 How have you done that? 1464 01:18:13,960 --> 01:18:17,320 OK, what happened was I came round this corner here, 1465 01:18:17,320 --> 01:18:19,840 there were some school children swimming, 1466 01:18:19,880 --> 01:18:22,600 and a shark was homing in for an attack. 1467 01:18:22,640 --> 01:18:26,680 So, I ran the shark down, and then got stuck in my own wake. 1468 01:18:26,720 --> 01:18:28,640 And it's just... Well, I've crashed now. 1469 01:18:28,680 --> 01:18:31,440 But the school children are all fine. 1470 01:18:32,800 --> 01:18:35,120 At first, a camera crew tried to pull me off, 1471 01:18:35,160 --> 01:18:38,320 but the PBR was too heavy. 1472 01:18:40,320 --> 01:18:42,600 Now what are you gonna do? 1473 01:18:42,640 --> 01:18:44,640 JEREMY OVER RADIO: Well, that's a good question. 1474 01:18:44,680 --> 01:18:48,880 JEREMY: We were all stumped. 1475 01:18:48,920 --> 01:18:53,600 And that's because we hadn't reckoned on the ingenuity of the locals, 1476 01:18:53,640 --> 01:18:56,920 who decided to pull the boat from the front. 1477 01:18:56,960 --> 01:18:58,960 (LOCALS CALL OUT) 1478 01:19:01,240 --> 01:19:05,320 Right, um... Ooh, it's moving. Is it? 1479 01:19:07,720 --> 01:19:09,960 It's actually... Uh, we're moving. 1480 01:19:10,000 --> 01:19:12,560 I'm moving. I am moving. 1481 01:19:12,600 --> 01:19:15,400 I am absolutely staggered. 1482 01:19:16,880 --> 01:19:19,120 Look at this! This is a four-ton boat. 1483 01:19:22,840 --> 01:19:24,840 Yes! 1484 01:19:24,880 --> 01:19:27,040 You are a genius! 1485 01:19:27,080 --> 01:19:29,880 I must admit, that was a fantastic effort. 1486 01:19:29,920 --> 01:19:31,760 I didn't think that was gonna shift. 1487 01:19:31,800 --> 01:19:34,760 You know, people always say, "How did the Vietnamese beat 1488 01:19:34,800 --> 01:19:36,920 the French, the Chinese, and the Americans?" 1489 01:19:36,960 --> 01:19:39,840 I think we've just seen an example of it. 1490 01:19:41,320 --> 01:19:43,520 And, many miles back, on the porn set, 1491 01:19:43,560 --> 01:19:45,720 there was more good news. 1492 01:19:47,240 --> 01:19:49,680 There it is! I'm back in the running! 1493 01:19:49,720 --> 01:19:52,920 Both engines running on eight cylinders and running well. 1494 01:19:52,960 --> 01:19:56,640 Plus, I'm no longer on fire or sinking. 1495 01:19:59,080 --> 01:20:01,320 JEREMY: All of us were running well, in fact. 1496 01:20:01,360 --> 01:20:03,840 The finish line was in striking distance 1497 01:20:03,880 --> 01:20:06,520 and even though our weird collection of boats 1498 01:20:06,560 --> 01:20:11,280 had been captained by two terrible sailors and a hopeless navigator, 1499 01:20:11,320 --> 01:20:16,280 they had, nevertheless, survived this epic adventure. 1500 01:20:18,240 --> 01:20:20,240 -(THUNDER) -Oh-oh! 1501 01:20:20,280 --> 01:20:22,400 It's really windy! 1502 01:20:22,440 --> 01:20:24,440 Ooh-ooh! 1503 01:20:26,120 --> 01:20:28,160 (ANGUISHED CRY) 1504 01:20:28,200 --> 01:20:32,040 -(MOTOR CHUGGING) -(MIMICS MOTOR) 1505 01:20:32,080 --> 01:20:33,120 No? 1506 01:20:34,760 --> 01:20:36,800 Come on! Come on! Come on! 1507 01:20:36,840 --> 01:20:39,600 -No, I won't have this! -Yeah! 1508 01:20:41,520 --> 01:20:43,320 Oh, God. 1509 01:20:45,680 --> 01:20:47,800 Here we go into the reeds. 1510 01:20:50,280 --> 01:20:52,880 Sleeping... (TRUMPETS) ...elephant. 1511 01:20:54,920 --> 01:20:56,800 Oh, my God. 1512 01:20:56,840 --> 01:20:58,000 -(THUD) -Sorry. 1513 01:20:59,400 --> 01:21:00,920 Oh, cock. 1514 01:21:05,200 --> 01:21:06,560 JEREMY: Hammond! Hammond! Hammond! 1515 01:21:06,600 --> 01:21:08,360 (THUDDING) 1516 01:21:08,400 --> 01:21:09,840 Ah, that didn't fit. 1517 01:21:09,880 --> 01:21:12,160 Oh, we've lost the thing that's got us lost. 1518 01:21:14,520 --> 01:21:16,600 RICHARD: Well, this is crap, isn't it? 1519 01:21:21,080 --> 01:21:23,160 (CLATTERING) 1520 01:21:23,200 --> 01:21:24,320 (LAUGHS) 1521 01:21:27,160 --> 01:21:28,960 Oh, shit! 1522 01:21:39,880 --> 01:21:41,920 20 miles to go. 1523 01:21:43,240 --> 01:21:45,840 What can possibly go wrong? 1524 01:21:45,880 --> 01:21:49,320 As it turned out, just about everything. 1525 01:21:50,440 --> 01:21:51,720 (THUNDERCLAP) 1526 01:21:53,680 --> 01:21:55,920 (THUNDER) 1527 01:21:55,960 --> 01:21:59,160 This time, the rain was the heaviest we'd seen. 1528 01:22:00,760 --> 01:22:03,600 Oh, shit. Oh, shit. 1529 01:22:03,640 --> 01:22:05,560 This is grim. 1530 01:22:05,600 --> 01:22:07,240 (THUNDER) 1531 01:22:07,280 --> 01:22:09,440 (BLEEP) hell, I can't see a thing. 1532 01:22:13,320 --> 01:22:16,200 JEREMY: Soon, we were completely lost. 1533 01:22:22,120 --> 01:22:25,280 Have I overtaken you? Have you seen me go by? 1534 01:22:25,320 --> 01:22:28,560 JAMES: I can't see a (BLEEP) thing and I can't steer. 1535 01:22:31,280 --> 01:22:33,400 JEREMY: When the rain did eventually clear, 1536 01:22:33,440 --> 01:22:37,200 we realised we had emerged into the one thing 1537 01:22:37,240 --> 01:22:40,080 I'd been trying so desperately to avoid. 1538 01:22:41,640 --> 01:22:44,080 OK, well, now, what we've done... 1539 01:22:44,120 --> 01:22:46,160 what I'm doing here... 1540 01:22:47,320 --> 01:22:48,960 That's the sea. 1541 01:22:51,280 --> 01:22:54,840 30 miles of open ocean lay between us 1542 01:22:54,880 --> 01:22:57,320 and the finishing line at Vung Tau. 1543 01:23:01,720 --> 01:23:04,280 But, as the water didn't look too rough... 1544 01:23:06,560 --> 01:23:10,960 we decided to put on some life jackets and go for it. 1545 01:23:12,120 --> 01:23:13,960 I've been thinking. Jeremy? 1546 01:23:14,000 --> 01:23:16,360 The sea is in some ways a lawless place, 1547 01:23:16,400 --> 01:23:18,320 but in others there is a strict code, isn't there? 1548 01:23:18,320 --> 01:23:21,800 You stick together through thick and thin, face perils as one. 1549 01:23:21,840 --> 01:23:23,600 Yeah. Thing is, though, 1550 01:23:23,640 --> 01:23:25,880 to operate efficiently as a team, 1551 01:23:25,920 --> 01:23:29,320 each team member has to be at their optimum. 1552 01:23:29,360 --> 01:23:32,920 At this speed, I'm not at my best. I have no steering. 1553 01:23:32,960 --> 01:23:34,760 JEREMY: And so... 1554 01:23:34,800 --> 01:23:37,320 Three, two, one... Go. 1555 01:23:48,000 --> 01:23:49,080 Funny. 1556 01:23:50,440 --> 01:23:51,920 JEREMY: As it turned out, 1557 01:23:51,960 --> 01:23:54,680 that would be the last funny moment of the day. 1558 01:23:57,000 --> 01:23:58,800 Oh, my God! 1559 01:23:59,800 --> 01:24:02,400 -(THUD) -Argh, fuck! 1560 01:24:02,440 --> 01:24:06,040 I'll try standing up, see if that helps. With bent knee. 1561 01:24:06,080 --> 01:24:09,240 -(THUD) -Oh, no! Oh, God. 1562 01:24:13,960 --> 01:24:16,920 God above, this is just awful. 1563 01:24:18,160 --> 01:24:20,320 -(RATTLING) -Oh! 1564 01:24:20,360 --> 01:24:22,360 (COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS) 1565 01:24:23,960 --> 01:24:25,600 I'm gonna throw up at this rate, 1566 01:24:25,640 --> 01:24:27,160 not because of sea sickness but because of 1567 01:24:27,200 --> 01:24:29,360 the amount of salt water in my mouth. 1568 01:24:29,400 --> 01:24:31,640 (THUDDING) 1569 01:24:36,000 --> 01:24:37,000 [BLEEP] 1570 01:24:42,120 --> 01:24:43,520 No! 1571 01:24:56,000 --> 01:24:57,880 (GROANS) 1572 01:24:57,920 --> 01:25:01,320 This is a lot worse than I thought it was going to be. 1573 01:25:03,200 --> 01:25:05,120 It wasn't just the rough seas. 1574 01:25:05,160 --> 01:25:07,560 (HORN HONKS) 1575 01:25:07,600 --> 01:25:11,000 We also had to weave our way through the shipping lanes. 1576 01:25:12,080 --> 01:25:13,760 There's a large tanker dead ahead. 1577 01:25:13,800 --> 01:25:15,920 Trawler off to my right. 1578 01:25:17,000 --> 01:25:18,680 Sheez. 1579 01:25:18,720 --> 01:25:22,840 I've managed to miss that massive container ship. That's something. 1580 01:25:27,080 --> 01:25:30,000 $3.5 trillion worth of trade 1581 01:25:30,040 --> 01:25:32,360 comes through these waters every year. 1582 01:25:32,400 --> 01:25:35,160 God knows how it isn't all smashed to pieces 1583 01:25:35,200 --> 01:25:36,920 when it gets to its destination. 1584 01:25:42,120 --> 01:25:44,960 Jesus Christ. 1585 01:25:45,000 --> 01:25:48,360 If one big wave goes in there, I'm gonna get very nose-heavy. 1586 01:25:48,400 --> 01:25:51,680 And I cannot realistically get up there to put it back. 1587 01:25:54,120 --> 01:25:58,200 RICHARD: Meanwhile, I'd finally managed to put my roof up... 1588 01:25:58,240 --> 01:26:01,240 Oh, yes. There's a chance. There's a chance. 1589 01:26:01,280 --> 01:26:03,720 ...which was time well spent. 1590 01:26:05,760 --> 01:26:07,880 Holy shit! 1591 01:26:11,040 --> 01:26:13,240 Ohh, bollocks. 1592 01:26:16,400 --> 01:26:18,280 (GROANS) 1593 01:26:19,720 --> 01:26:23,520 Stop...doing...that! 1594 01:26:23,560 --> 01:26:27,320 JEREMY OVER RADIO: The good news is, Hammond, it can't be worse than this. 1595 01:26:32,320 --> 01:26:34,400 JEREMY: But it did get worse. 1596 01:26:44,160 --> 01:26:47,120 Ohh! (BLEEP) Nora. 1597 01:26:50,440 --> 01:26:53,160 Sheez. This is stupid. 1598 01:26:54,840 --> 01:26:56,880 It's gonna snap. 1599 01:27:07,920 --> 01:27:10,680 I just pissed myself standing up where I was. 1600 01:27:10,720 --> 01:27:13,320 Anything else is not an option. 1601 01:27:14,600 --> 01:27:18,120 Oh! Freezing and (BLEEP) wet. 1602 01:27:20,920 --> 01:27:22,640 (GROANS) 1603 01:27:23,720 --> 01:27:26,600 This is getting sketchy. 1604 01:27:26,640 --> 01:27:30,400 I'm not sure we can do this. 1605 01:27:30,440 --> 01:27:33,840 JEREMY: Certainly, one of our camera boats was in very big trouble. 1606 01:27:35,400 --> 01:27:38,240 MAN: Bloody hell. We're taking in too much water. 1607 01:27:38,280 --> 01:27:39,920 I don't know if it's dangerous. 1608 01:27:39,960 --> 01:27:43,000 We'll never get there at this rate. 1609 01:27:43,040 --> 01:27:46,840 JEREMY: And James had completely lost control of his antique. 1610 01:27:46,880 --> 01:27:49,840 Oh! No, no, no, no, no! Oh, no! 1611 01:28:11,840 --> 01:28:13,800 Oh, (BLEEP) sake! 1612 01:28:14,880 --> 01:28:16,280 No! 1613 01:28:17,560 --> 01:28:20,120 Argh. 1614 01:28:20,160 --> 01:28:23,960 JEREMY: After 15 miles, the sea started to calm a little 1615 01:28:24,000 --> 01:28:26,920 and I decided to increase speed. 1616 01:28:28,520 --> 01:28:31,360 Come on, you brave little soldier. 1617 01:28:31,400 --> 01:28:33,440 Come on, bite. Bite, bite, bite. 1618 01:28:33,480 --> 01:28:35,080 Bite. 1619 01:28:37,920 --> 01:28:40,400 I can't stand much more of this. 1620 01:28:40,440 --> 01:28:42,160 It's only a few miles! 1621 01:28:42,200 --> 01:28:45,800 (WHIRRING) 1622 01:28:45,840 --> 01:28:48,640 Come on. I'm running in fast now. I want this over. 1623 01:28:50,800 --> 01:28:52,640 Argh! 1624 01:28:52,680 --> 01:28:56,200 The top three worst things I've ever done. 1625 01:28:56,240 --> 01:28:59,320 JEREMY: Mercifully, the finish line, Vung Tau harbour, 1626 01:28:59,360 --> 01:29:01,000 then hoved into view. 1627 01:29:07,080 --> 01:29:09,120 Come on. It can't be more than a mile. 1628 01:29:12,040 --> 01:29:13,560 (SNAP) 1629 01:29:13,600 --> 01:29:15,080 Well, that's brilliant. 1630 01:29:15,120 --> 01:29:18,400 These last couple of hours have damn nearly killed me. 1631 01:29:18,440 --> 01:29:20,360 They probably have James and Richard. 1632 01:29:20,400 --> 01:29:21,960 I can't raise either of them on the radio. 1633 01:29:22,000 --> 01:29:23,760 I don't know where they are. 1634 01:29:25,080 --> 01:29:28,000 I reached the jetty very much alone. 1635 01:29:29,520 --> 01:29:31,320 Sorry, there's no film crews with me. 1636 01:29:31,360 --> 01:29:33,880 Um, I don't know where they are either. 1637 01:29:33,920 --> 01:29:37,120 But Richard Hammond is arriving. 1638 01:29:37,160 --> 01:29:38,880 He's made it. 1639 01:29:47,160 --> 01:29:49,200 Normally we'd celebrate the end of a journey, 1640 01:29:49,240 --> 01:29:52,080 but I'm not celebrating that. Beyond brutal. 1641 01:29:52,120 --> 01:29:54,680 Yeah, that was the hardest thing I've ever done. 1642 01:29:54,720 --> 01:29:58,520 Easily the hardest thing I've ever done. The most dangerous. 1643 01:29:58,560 --> 01:30:01,840 JEREMY: After a film crew arrived, we disembarked. 1644 01:30:03,640 --> 01:30:06,200 Have you really not heard from James at all? 1645 01:30:06,240 --> 01:30:08,320 No, nothing. 1646 01:30:10,440 --> 01:30:14,000 But then, the Rover 90 hoved into view. 1647 01:30:15,840 --> 01:30:19,320 It could be coming with nobody on it, like the Marie Celeste. 1648 01:30:19,360 --> 01:30:21,000 Well, I did wo... No, he is there. 1649 01:30:21,040 --> 01:30:23,240 Look, there's a very bedraggled dog at the helm. 1650 01:30:23,280 --> 01:30:24,640 Yeah. 1651 01:30:24,680 --> 01:30:26,160 Right. 1652 01:30:26,200 --> 01:30:28,320 We've been very worried about you. 1653 01:30:28,360 --> 01:30:31,120 Have you? I was very worried about me. But thank you. 1654 01:30:31,160 --> 01:30:33,360 -(RATTLING) -Jeez. 1655 01:30:35,000 --> 01:30:36,160 (GROANS) 1656 01:30:36,200 --> 01:30:39,320 I'm absolutely staggered it's still there. 1657 01:30:39,360 --> 01:30:41,560 -But we have survived. -Yeah. 1658 01:30:43,080 --> 01:30:45,720 And on that terrible disappointment... 1659 01:30:45,760 --> 01:30:49,120 -for Top Gear... -(CHUCKLING) 1660 01:30:49,160 --> 01:30:51,720 ...it's time to say goodbye. We'll be back. 1661 01:30:51,760 --> 01:30:53,800 -See you very soon. -See you soon.