1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,000 What a pair, where did you get this? 2 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,000 Can I have it? 3 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,000 No. 4 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,000 Did you take the sculpture? 5 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,000 No. 6 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,000 If I sell it I take 10%, deal? 7 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,000 How behind are you? If it's money that you need... 8 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,000 I don't need money. 9 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,000 That'll be £25, please. 10 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,000 I thought we should try and surprise each other once every day. 11 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,000 He's organising you a surprise birthday party. 12 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,000 You know I hate... 13 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,000 Surprise! 14 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,000 It's me, it's me. 15 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,000 I suppose you should meet Hillary. 16 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,000 You will never see me again. 17 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,000 I've got to think about all the people I can have sex with now. 18 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,000 I should get on it. 19 00:00:23,250 --> 00:00:24,290 Jogging. 20 00:00:29,210 --> 00:00:32,649 I did a fart the other day that was exactly like Mum's. 21 00:00:32,650 --> 00:00:34,809 A door opening, or suspicious dark? 22 00:00:34,810 --> 00:00:36,609 Door opening. 23 00:00:36,610 --> 00:00:38,009 Means you're getting Mum's bum. 24 00:00:38,010 --> 00:00:41,969 God, I'd be lucky. My bottom dropped ages ago. 25 00:00:41,970 --> 00:00:44,369 My farts used to be like, "Pah!" 26 00:00:44,370 --> 00:00:47,449 Now they're just sort of fighting their way out. 27 00:00:47,450 --> 00:00:49,650 I haven't farted in about three years. 28 00:00:55,250 --> 00:00:56,290 Happy birthday. 29 00:00:57,530 --> 00:00:59,610 - She won't eat it. - Thanks. 30 00:01:03,730 --> 00:01:09,609 So, it's a 7 pm arrival tonight for a 7.30 surprise, OK? 31 00:01:09,610 --> 00:01:10,809 Yeah, I got your e-mail. 32 00:01:10,810 --> 00:01:12,889 It's really a business birthday thing. 33 00:01:12,890 --> 00:01:16,169 It won't be much fun, so just don't expect a "party" party. 34 00:01:16,170 --> 00:01:17,529 I won't. 35 00:01:17,530 --> 00:01:19,849 And maybe... 36 00:01:19,850 --> 00:01:21,369 just wear trousers. 37 00:01:21,370 --> 00:01:22,849 And don't drink too much. 38 00:01:22,850 --> 00:01:25,289 There's this huge promotion in Finland, 39 00:01:25,290 --> 00:01:27,249 so this party is quite a serious... 40 00:01:27,250 --> 00:01:29,649 I mean, it's basically a business meeting. 41 00:01:29,650 --> 00:01:31,569 Sounds like a blast. 42 00:01:31,570 --> 00:01:32,809 Can I bring a date? 43 00:01:32,810 --> 00:01:34,209 - Harry? - No. 44 00:01:34,210 --> 00:01:36,209 Who? 45 00:01:36,210 --> 00:01:37,370 I don't know yet. 46 00:01:40,690 --> 00:01:44,169 It's really inappropriate to jog around a graveyard. 47 00:01:44,170 --> 00:01:45,409 Why? 48 00:01:45,410 --> 00:01:47,650 Flaunting your life. 49 00:01:52,290 --> 00:01:54,010 God, I can't wait to be old. 50 00:01:55,410 --> 00:01:58,969 If it's any consolation, you look older than you are. 51 00:02:04,370 --> 00:02:05,490 Sorry, sorry. 52 00:02:07,010 --> 00:02:09,249 - Hello, Claire speaking. - Mum died three years ago. 53 00:02:09,250 --> 00:02:11,649 She had a double mastectomy but never really recovered. 54 00:02:11,650 --> 00:02:15,649 It was particularly hard, cos she had amazing boobs. 55 00:02:15,650 --> 00:02:17,409 She used to tell me I was lucky 56 00:02:17,410 --> 00:02:19,889 cos mine would never get in the way. 57 00:02:19,890 --> 00:02:21,769 My sister's got whoppers, 58 00:02:21,770 --> 00:02:23,690 but she got all of Mum's good bits. 59 00:02:24,930 --> 00:02:26,689 What's Martin given you? 60 00:02:26,690 --> 00:02:28,809 A cursory stroke would be nice. 61 00:02:28,810 --> 00:02:30,849 What? No bang-bang? 62 00:02:30,850 --> 00:02:33,610 He says he's still got that thing on his... 63 00:02:35,290 --> 00:02:36,689 What? 64 00:02:36,690 --> 00:02:38,489 On his... 65 00:02:38,490 --> 00:02:39,889 Come on, you can do it. 66 00:02:39,890 --> 00:02:41,889 - I don't have to say... - Yes, you do. - No, not here. 67 00:02:41,890 --> 00:02:43,689 Come on, little one. Come on, please. - No. 68 00:02:43,690 --> 00:02:45,370 - Penis. - Thank you. 69 00:02:47,290 --> 00:02:51,250 He says he still has that thing on his penis. Sorry. 70 00:02:55,490 --> 00:02:57,689 Christ, look at that man. 71 00:02:57,690 --> 00:02:58,730 Tragic. 72 00:03:00,050 --> 00:03:01,689 Nah, he's a con. 73 00:03:01,690 --> 00:03:04,289 You can't call someone who is grieving a con. 74 00:03:04,290 --> 00:03:06,849 - That is shit grieving. - Look at him, he's properly grieving. 75 00:03:06,850 --> 00:03:09,410 No-one grieves like that unless they are in a film or from Italy. 76 00:03:09,411 --> 00:03:11,249 Who are you to pass judgment on his grief? 77 00:03:11,250 --> 00:03:14,289 Trust me, he's at a different grave every day, he can't get enough of it. 78 00:03:17,810 --> 00:03:19,169 What? 79 00:03:19,170 --> 00:03:20,570 You come here every day? 80 00:03:26,610 --> 00:03:29,129 Don't do a jumpy-outy surprise thing, 81 00:03:29,130 --> 00:03:32,969 and don't sing Happy Birthday, I couldn't bear it. 82 00:03:32,970 --> 00:03:34,050 I'm... 83 00:03:35,490 --> 00:03:37,050 I'm actually looking forward to it. 84 00:03:39,890 --> 00:03:41,210 Hi, Harry, it's me. 85 00:03:42,370 --> 00:03:45,209 Listen, I know we're broken up, but it's Claire's birthday tonight 86 00:03:45,210 --> 00:03:46,450 and I thought that... 87 00:03:49,410 --> 00:03:51,369 I thought that maybe 88 00:03:51,370 --> 00:03:52,890 you'd like to come to her... 89 00:03:55,090 --> 00:03:56,130 ...birthday party. 90 00:03:57,250 --> 00:04:00,290 Anyway, give me a call, and I hope you're OK. Bye. 91 00:04:08,450 --> 00:04:09,850 I can't go out with a dog. 92 00:04:22,330 --> 00:04:25,409 My boyfriend before Harry used to make me send him pictures of 93 00:04:25,410 --> 00:04:27,049 my vagina wherever I was, 94 00:04:27,050 --> 00:04:28,689 ten or 11 times a day. 95 00:04:28,690 --> 00:04:30,890 One day when I was temping he asked me to... 96 00:05:06,570 --> 00:05:08,010 Time to throw the net out. 97 00:05:12,130 --> 00:05:13,849 I am in so much trouble. 98 00:05:13,850 --> 00:05:15,209 Jesus Christ. 99 00:05:15,210 --> 00:05:16,489 What am I going to get Claire? 100 00:05:16,490 --> 00:05:18,369 I am meant to get her the perfect present. 101 00:05:18,370 --> 00:05:20,609 - I am not drunk. - Always drunk. 102 00:05:20,610 --> 00:05:22,649 I am not drunk! 103 00:05:22,650 --> 00:05:24,849 Which is odd, cos Claire's so straight. 104 00:05:24,850 --> 00:05:26,009 Smack me in the face. 105 00:05:26,010 --> 00:05:27,529 - Really hard. - Really? 106 00:05:27,530 --> 00:05:29,609 Yeah. 107 00:05:29,610 --> 00:05:30,730 Good. 108 00:05:33,250 --> 00:05:34,369 Fuck. 109 00:05:34,370 --> 00:05:37,369 I think you gave me a semi. 110 00:05:37,370 --> 00:05:40,489 Can I eat a water or a sandwich, or something? 111 00:05:40,490 --> 00:05:42,249 I mean, the man's got a problem. 112 00:05:42,250 --> 00:05:44,529 Speak to me. Speak to me. 113 00:05:44,530 --> 00:05:47,529 But no-one wants to admit there's a problem because then they don't get 114 00:05:47,530 --> 00:05:49,529 to have crazy nights out with Fun Drunk Martin. 115 00:05:49,530 --> 00:05:51,249 Chicken, are you chicken? No. 116 00:05:51,250 --> 00:05:54,689 He's one of those men who is explosively sexually inappropriate 117 00:05:54,690 --> 00:05:57,809 with everyone, but makes you feel bad if you take offence 118 00:05:57,810 --> 00:05:59,689 because he was "just being fun". 119 00:05:59,690 --> 00:06:02,209 Honestly, you could tell him you're going to pop to the loo 120 00:06:02,210 --> 00:06:03,249 and he'll say... 121 00:06:03,250 --> 00:06:06,249 Yes, you pop to the loo, pull down your knickers, 122 00:06:06,250 --> 00:06:07,569 and then I will come in 123 00:06:07,570 --> 00:06:09,170 and fuck you. 124 00:06:14,170 --> 00:06:15,769 I mean, this place is ridiculous. 125 00:06:15,770 --> 00:06:17,609 Does anyone ever come here? 126 00:06:17,610 --> 00:06:20,009 I mean, it is creepy as fuck. 127 00:06:20,010 --> 00:06:21,569 Why don't you get her a guinea pig? 128 00:06:21,570 --> 00:06:23,449 It was a surprise hit here. 129 00:06:23,450 --> 00:06:25,969 What, you think she'd like a pig? Can I take this one? 130 00:06:25,970 --> 00:06:27,010 No, not that one. 131 00:06:28,370 --> 00:06:30,729 Christ, woman, there's something wrong with that one, 132 00:06:30,730 --> 00:06:32,729 it's got death in its eyes. 133 00:06:32,730 --> 00:06:34,889 Yeah, the vet says she's depressed. 134 00:06:36,450 --> 00:06:37,490 Aren't we all, girl? 135 00:06:38,730 --> 00:06:42,049 You know, guinea pigs can die of loneliness. 136 00:06:42,050 --> 00:06:43,090 Can they? 137 00:06:44,290 --> 00:06:45,369 - Hold her. - No. 138 00:06:45,370 --> 00:06:47,529 - She needs it. - No. 139 00:06:47,530 --> 00:06:48,570 Shh! 140 00:06:49,730 --> 00:06:50,889 I have an idea. 141 00:06:50,890 --> 00:06:54,409 He's sexually inappropriate and he eats raw sausages but no-one's 142 00:06:54,410 --> 00:06:57,569 made her laugh like he does, so I guess I have to give him that. 143 00:06:57,570 --> 00:07:00,209 Right, just put your... What are you doing? What are you doing? 144 00:07:00,210 --> 00:07:01,489 No. Stop it. 145 00:07:01,490 --> 00:07:03,049 No, no, no, there. 146 00:07:03,050 --> 00:07:04,650 There we go. 147 00:07:05,850 --> 00:07:06,970 I'm an innocent man. 148 00:07:08,130 --> 00:07:10,609 I bought her a necklace with her name on it, 149 00:07:10,610 --> 00:07:12,769 that she found and told me not to buy. - OK. 150 00:07:12,770 --> 00:07:14,369 I bought her a book 151 00:07:14,370 --> 00:07:16,329 that she already has. 152 00:07:16,330 --> 00:07:18,449 She says not to buy her any clothes 153 00:07:18,450 --> 00:07:20,449 because she probably won't wear them. 154 00:07:20,450 --> 00:07:21,890 She scares me! 155 00:07:23,170 --> 00:07:26,049 This sandwich is so good. 156 00:07:26,050 --> 00:07:27,169 Look, this is London. 157 00:07:27,170 --> 00:07:29,889 Just fuck off and buy something weird and expensive. 158 00:07:29,890 --> 00:07:32,569 No, no, it's got to be good, all right. Help me! 159 00:07:32,570 --> 00:07:33,769 Pay me and I'll help you. 160 00:07:33,770 --> 00:07:34,969 Fuck off. 161 00:07:34,970 --> 00:07:36,289 How much? 162 00:07:36,290 --> 00:07:37,409 £60. 163 00:07:37,410 --> 00:07:38,649 - 70. - Done. 164 00:07:38,650 --> 00:07:39,690 Yeah! 165 00:07:44,610 --> 00:07:45,930 I don't know who she is. 166 00:07:47,530 --> 00:07:49,409 Is she...? 167 00:07:49,410 --> 00:07:50,450 No. 168 00:07:52,250 --> 00:07:53,889 What about...? 169 00:07:53,890 --> 00:07:54,930 No! 170 00:07:57,130 --> 00:07:59,890 Just... get whoever you are. 171 00:08:01,010 --> 00:08:02,050 Who are you? 172 00:08:03,410 --> 00:08:04,569 I don't know. 173 00:08:04,570 --> 00:08:05,970 I want to be that person. 174 00:08:07,210 --> 00:08:09,209 I have been that person. 175 00:08:09,210 --> 00:08:11,129 Ha. 176 00:08:11,130 --> 00:08:14,249 But most of the time I'm that person, like everyone else. 177 00:08:14,250 --> 00:08:16,649 They're good, right? Chic. 178 00:08:16,650 --> 00:08:18,969 Chic means boring - don't tell the French. 179 00:08:18,970 --> 00:08:20,569 What about these? 180 00:08:20,570 --> 00:08:21,930 No. God. 181 00:08:23,610 --> 00:08:27,810 Stop checking, all right, nobody loves you. Help me here. 182 00:08:30,210 --> 00:08:32,290 Who is this person? 183 00:08:33,330 --> 00:08:34,690 Fuck, no. 184 00:08:36,010 --> 00:08:37,609 This is perfect. 185 00:08:37,610 --> 00:08:39,929 Get her something she'd never get herself. 186 00:08:39,930 --> 00:08:41,009 Surprise her. 187 00:08:41,010 --> 00:08:42,489 She'll think I've gone nuts. 188 00:08:42,490 --> 00:08:45,169 No, she'll think you see her as this person, 189 00:08:45,170 --> 00:08:47,609 and everyone wants to be this person. 190 00:08:47,610 --> 00:08:48,969 I don't know, I... 191 00:08:48,970 --> 00:08:51,089 Aren't these for children? 192 00:08:51,090 --> 00:08:52,130 No. 193 00:08:53,530 --> 00:08:57,090 Let's keep going. I saw some more stuff she'll hate over there. 194 00:09:05,730 --> 00:09:07,769 My neighbour 195 00:09:07,770 --> 00:09:09,249 is really fit. 196 00:09:09,250 --> 00:09:10,409 Which one? 197 00:09:10,410 --> 00:09:12,849 - The fit one. - The one with the sexy big belly? 198 00:09:12,850 --> 00:09:16,610 No, no, he's the other neighbour. He's like, he's like, OK... 199 00:09:17,650 --> 00:09:20,769 I'm going to hold his face in my head so you can see him. 200 00:09:20,770 --> 00:09:21,810 OK. 201 00:09:26,530 --> 00:09:28,649 I'm not getting anything. 202 00:09:28,650 --> 00:09:29,889 Make your face his face. 203 00:09:29,890 --> 00:09:30,930 Yeah, OK. 204 00:09:34,530 --> 00:09:35,609 Is he mixed race? 205 00:09:35,610 --> 00:09:37,009 I'm getting mixed race. 206 00:09:37,010 --> 00:09:38,049 Yes! 207 00:09:39,450 --> 00:09:40,889 - That's him. - Go on. 208 00:09:40,890 --> 00:09:42,569 No. 209 00:09:42,570 --> 00:09:43,770 OK. OK! 210 00:09:49,850 --> 00:09:51,089 Jesus. 211 00:09:51,090 --> 00:09:53,049 I'm really sorry, we're really high. 212 00:09:53,050 --> 00:09:55,210 We just really wanted to know what you look like. 213 00:09:57,050 --> 00:09:58,570 She thinks you're lovely. 214 00:10:08,410 --> 00:10:12,450 My God, look at my elegant feet. 215 00:10:18,890 --> 00:10:21,049 Hey. Hey! Hey. Hey. 216 00:10:21,050 --> 00:10:22,249 Hello! 217 00:10:22,250 --> 00:10:23,290 Hey. HEY! 218 00:10:25,250 --> 00:10:27,090 What's your problem? Who was that? 219 00:10:28,130 --> 00:10:30,009 No-one, it was... 220 00:10:30,010 --> 00:10:31,169 What? 221 00:10:31,170 --> 00:10:35,489 No, no-one. I just need to go and get a drink, or something. 222 00:10:35,490 --> 00:10:37,809 OK. 223 00:10:37,810 --> 00:10:39,169 Excellent. 224 00:10:39,170 --> 00:10:40,729 Can I go and get my shoes? 225 00:10:40,730 --> 00:10:42,530 Yeah. OK. 226 00:10:51,450 --> 00:10:53,450 Whoa. Easy, tiger. 227 00:10:56,410 --> 00:10:57,450 Coming from you? 228 00:10:59,130 --> 00:11:01,250 So, come on, who was that heartbreaker? 229 00:11:04,050 --> 00:11:05,210 He used to go out with Boo. 230 00:11:06,570 --> 00:11:08,970 Then he slept with someone else, and then she... 231 00:11:10,290 --> 00:11:11,850 Yeah, yeah, I know, OK. 232 00:11:12,890 --> 00:11:13,970 Fuck. 233 00:11:15,610 --> 00:11:17,849 I've never really said how sorry I was. 234 00:11:17,850 --> 00:11:19,490 You should get the trainers. 235 00:11:20,490 --> 00:11:21,849 She'll say I don't know her. 236 00:11:21,850 --> 00:11:23,009 You don't. 237 00:11:23,010 --> 00:11:24,849 You're just as bad. 238 00:11:24,850 --> 00:11:26,369 It's never clear what she wants. 239 00:11:26,370 --> 00:11:28,809 I should just get her some perfume. 240 00:11:28,810 --> 00:11:31,889 Jesus, just fuck her, please, 241 00:11:31,890 --> 00:11:33,449 for the love of a good woman. 242 00:11:33,450 --> 00:11:35,049 Just wrap your willy up in a bow 243 00:11:35,050 --> 00:11:37,090 and just screw her, she's going insane. 244 00:11:41,050 --> 00:11:43,489 What is it? 245 00:11:43,490 --> 00:11:44,930 Are you having an affair? 246 00:11:49,010 --> 00:11:52,969 Think you're a clever little puss, don't you? 247 00:11:52,970 --> 00:11:55,049 A little marital poke isn't going to kill you. 248 00:11:55,050 --> 00:11:57,329 Would it kill her to take me out to dinner? 249 00:11:57,330 --> 00:11:59,089 You girls, Jesus. 250 00:11:59,090 --> 00:12:01,049 Anyone said that to her, they'd be hung. 251 00:12:01,050 --> 00:12:04,330 If they were hung, she probably wouldn't be complaining. 252 00:12:15,090 --> 00:12:17,330 Little advice from a married man. 253 00:12:19,330 --> 00:12:23,209 You should probably get yourself out there, sweetie. 254 00:12:23,210 --> 00:12:25,410 You're just tipping your prime. 255 00:12:31,370 --> 00:12:32,529 Another drink? 256 00:12:33,610 --> 00:12:35,609 Bingo. 257 00:12:35,610 --> 00:12:37,450 Excuse me, I have a date. 258 00:12:39,010 --> 00:12:40,970 Get the trainers. Shop closes in an hour. 259 00:12:44,170 --> 00:12:48,289 God. I was not expecting to see you again. 260 00:12:48,290 --> 00:12:51,289 Shut up. - I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm chuffed to my boots, but... 261 00:12:51,290 --> 00:12:53,410 And thank you for the text, saucy. 262 00:12:55,050 --> 00:12:56,329 And sorry I'm late. 263 00:12:56,330 --> 00:12:57,969 No, it's fine, it was last-minute. 264 00:12:57,970 --> 00:13:00,209 - It's really nice to see... - No, no, I'm such a tool box. 265 00:13:00,210 --> 00:13:03,009 You know, I'd like to say I was trying to save a puppy, or something, 266 00:13:03,010 --> 00:13:05,929 but I just got my coat caught on someone else's coat outside the Tube. 267 00:13:05,930 --> 00:13:08,289 When we went to separate ourselves, it was fucking intense. 268 00:13:08,290 --> 00:13:09,423 I had to give him my coat. 269 00:13:09,490 --> 00:13:12,129 What are we doing? - It's my sister's surprise birthday party. 270 00:13:12,130 --> 00:13:13,689 My God, I love surprises, go on. 271 00:13:13,690 --> 00:13:16,009 But I just thought... I need to get her a present first. 272 00:13:16,010 --> 00:13:18,129 My God, what are you going to get her? 273 00:13:18,130 --> 00:13:19,849 I know this beautiful soap shop. 274 00:13:19,850 --> 00:13:22,649 I mean, this stuff just gets you straight in the bath. 275 00:13:22,650 --> 00:13:24,450 I was thinking more like... 276 00:13:27,850 --> 00:13:30,889 Yeah... these places all the time... 277 00:13:30,890 --> 00:13:32,210 So... Yup. 278 00:13:34,130 --> 00:13:36,489 - Are you OK? - Yeah. 279 00:13:36,490 --> 00:13:37,969 Sorry, I won't be long. 280 00:13:37,970 --> 00:13:39,530 No, no. 281 00:13:43,090 --> 00:13:45,449 - Hi. - Hi. - Hi. 282 00:13:45,450 --> 00:13:48,089 Hey, what are you craving? 283 00:13:48,090 --> 00:13:50,569 Just a really, really cheap thrill. 284 00:13:50,570 --> 00:13:52,369 For you? 285 00:13:52,370 --> 00:13:53,609 Hello. 286 00:13:53,610 --> 00:13:55,329 No, it's for her sister. 287 00:13:55,330 --> 00:13:58,049 It's for my very sexually frustrated sister. 288 00:13:58,050 --> 00:13:59,649 Just a basic bunny would be great. 289 00:13:59,650 --> 00:14:03,489 OK, well, I'll see what I can dig out and you go browse. 290 00:14:03,490 --> 00:14:04,530 Thanks. 291 00:14:14,850 --> 00:14:15,889 I think you just... 292 00:14:15,890 --> 00:14:17,290 do it at the bottom. 293 00:14:21,250 --> 00:14:22,490 It's all in the twist. 294 00:14:31,490 --> 00:14:33,129 I know. 295 00:14:33,130 --> 00:14:34,689 You should totally get one of those. 296 00:14:34,690 --> 00:14:36,169 - A vagina? - Yeah. 297 00:14:36,170 --> 00:14:38,289 I've already got one. 298 00:14:38,290 --> 00:14:40,049 Really? You have... No... 299 00:14:40,050 --> 00:14:41,409 You've got one? 300 00:14:41,410 --> 00:14:43,369 I take it with me everywhere. 301 00:14:43,370 --> 00:14:46,129 You lie. You don't have one on you now? 302 00:14:46,130 --> 00:14:47,889 Yep. Never going to get it. 303 00:14:47,890 --> 00:14:49,209 Where? 304 00:14:49,210 --> 00:14:52,690 - Where's my vagina? - Yeah. 305 00:14:54,090 --> 00:14:56,089 Ha, you got me. 306 00:14:56,090 --> 00:14:59,289 I don't carry a vagina around with me, 307 00:14:59,290 --> 00:15:01,370 that would be way too provocative. 308 00:15:02,970 --> 00:15:04,009 Didn't get it. 309 00:15:04,010 --> 00:15:06,409 OK, so this one's really great. 310 00:15:06,410 --> 00:15:09,329 It's half price because it's quite relentless. 311 00:15:09,330 --> 00:15:11,049 It's called the Burrower. 312 00:15:11,050 --> 00:15:14,449 Basically it doesn't stop until you've cum. 313 00:15:14,450 --> 00:15:15,490 Excuse me. 314 00:15:16,530 --> 00:15:19,809 Don't worry about him, he'll be fine in a minute. 315 00:15:19,810 --> 00:15:22,809 My God, I love surprise parties. 316 00:15:22,810 --> 00:15:24,849 I love them, I love them, I love them. 317 00:15:24,850 --> 00:15:26,089 Will your parents be there? 318 00:15:26,090 --> 00:15:27,850 - My dad might be... - Intense. 319 00:15:29,370 --> 00:15:30,410 Parents adore me. 320 00:15:31,570 --> 00:15:35,009 I want you to be totally in love with me by the end of the night. 321 00:15:35,010 --> 00:15:36,289 OK? 322 00:15:38,410 --> 00:15:40,769 Who's that? 323 00:15:40,770 --> 00:15:42,169 It's my sister. 324 00:15:42,170 --> 00:15:44,929 No! We're going to ruin the surprise. - No, no... 325 00:15:44,930 --> 00:15:46,889 - No, no, no. - No, really. - Get down. 326 00:15:46,890 --> 00:15:48,169 It will be fine. 327 00:15:48,170 --> 00:15:49,809 Surprise! 328 00:15:49,810 --> 00:15:52,249 My God, thank you so much. 329 00:15:52,250 --> 00:15:53,889 I'm so surprised. 330 00:15:53,890 --> 00:15:55,129 She's very good. 331 00:15:55,130 --> 00:15:58,249 How divine. What a lovely husband you have. 332 00:15:58,250 --> 00:15:59,370 Where is he then? 333 00:16:01,530 --> 00:16:03,529 Busy. 334 00:16:03,530 --> 00:16:05,009 I'm blown away. 335 00:16:05,010 --> 00:16:07,010 I had absolutely no idea. 336 00:16:08,730 --> 00:16:11,329 Hildegard, can I just grab you for a second? 337 00:16:11,330 --> 00:16:12,690 - Hello. - Hello. 338 00:16:14,010 --> 00:16:16,130 Dad, hi. 339 00:16:17,930 --> 00:16:21,609 Thank you for asking, yeah, I'm essentially a documentary maker. 340 00:16:21,610 --> 00:16:22,649 Docs. 341 00:16:24,090 --> 00:16:27,129 Really? What is your latest project? 342 00:16:27,130 --> 00:16:30,529 Well, sir, I'm interested in life, 343 00:16:30,530 --> 00:16:35,849 and how it affects lots of people in all sorts of different ways. 344 00:16:35,850 --> 00:16:38,209 Yeah, it's awesome. 345 00:16:38,210 --> 00:16:41,209 - How did you meet? - I met her on a bus. 346 00:16:41,210 --> 00:16:42,889 So easy to pick up girls these days. 347 00:16:42,890 --> 00:16:46,089 I was, like, "Hi", and she was, like, "Take my number." 348 00:16:46,090 --> 00:16:47,849 I was, like, "Yeah." 349 00:16:47,850 --> 00:16:50,289 I'm just going to see if there are any other wines to try. 350 00:16:50,290 --> 00:16:54,929 It's lovely, I'm just going to see if there are some others. 351 00:16:54,930 --> 00:16:56,690 Excuse me. Can't resist. 352 00:17:01,130 --> 00:17:03,049 Did you find anything nicer? 353 00:17:03,050 --> 00:17:05,570 I was so sorry to hear about Harry. 354 00:17:06,610 --> 00:17:08,209 Lovely Harry. 355 00:17:08,210 --> 00:17:09,969 Love Harry. 356 00:17:09,970 --> 00:17:11,650 Exciting news about his new job. 357 00:17:13,250 --> 00:17:15,289 Yes, very exciting. 358 00:17:15,290 --> 00:17:18,250 I was so pleased that you'd found someone else so fast. 359 00:17:20,170 --> 00:17:23,969 I just can't stop conjuring an image of you sitting around that cafe, 360 00:17:23,970 --> 00:17:27,689 just all alone, feeling so terribly lonely. 361 00:17:27,690 --> 00:17:29,410 Just can't stop picturing it. 362 00:17:31,530 --> 00:17:34,089 I don't think you have to be alone to be lonely. 363 00:17:34,090 --> 00:17:37,129 Dad always taught me that. 364 00:17:37,130 --> 00:17:40,129 Did your father tell you that one of my pieces has gone missing? 365 00:17:40,130 --> 00:17:41,729 He did. 366 00:17:41,730 --> 00:17:43,889 That's awful, I'm so sorry. 367 00:17:43,890 --> 00:17:45,769 So sweet of you. 368 00:17:45,770 --> 00:17:47,249 Very sweet. 369 00:17:47,250 --> 00:17:48,769 May I cut in? 370 00:17:48,770 --> 00:17:50,329 Yes, of course. 371 00:17:50,330 --> 00:17:53,850 Do you know? You are the most perfect-looking pair. 372 00:17:57,010 --> 00:17:58,569 Such a great gang. 373 00:17:58,570 --> 00:18:00,529 Do you want some normal food? 374 00:18:00,530 --> 00:18:02,689 No, no. 375 00:18:02,690 --> 00:18:04,410 What I really want you to do... 376 00:18:05,450 --> 00:18:06,929 ...is this. 377 00:18:08,530 --> 00:18:10,409 Sorry, nothing happened. 378 00:18:10,410 --> 00:18:12,169 I was trying to be sexy. 379 00:18:12,170 --> 00:18:13,489 It was, it was really sexy. 380 00:18:13,490 --> 00:18:14,689 - Was it? - What broke? 381 00:18:14,690 --> 00:18:16,089 What broke? Show me. 382 00:18:16,090 --> 00:18:17,369 Nothing, I just slipped. 383 00:18:17,370 --> 00:18:19,449 Claire, this is my friend... 384 00:18:19,450 --> 00:18:20,969 Yes, yes, we've already met. 385 00:18:20,970 --> 00:18:22,010 My wife. 386 00:18:23,330 --> 00:18:26,330 My wife. 387 00:18:27,650 --> 00:18:31,810 All of your desires are wrapped up in here. 388 00:18:33,010 --> 00:18:34,729 OK. 389 00:18:34,730 --> 00:18:35,770 Open it. 390 00:18:39,690 --> 00:18:42,570 Well, gold has always... 391 00:18:49,690 --> 00:18:52,049 That's really rather wonderful. 392 00:18:52,050 --> 00:18:54,049 Thank you. What is it? 393 00:18:54,050 --> 00:18:55,929 Is it a paperweight, or...? 394 00:18:55,930 --> 00:18:57,410 It is a shrine to your body... 395 00:18:59,210 --> 00:19:00,650 ...because I love your body. 396 00:19:02,490 --> 00:19:04,729 Thank you. 397 00:19:04,730 --> 00:19:06,689 This is really... 398 00:19:06,690 --> 00:19:08,169 Can I... Can I see this? 399 00:19:08,170 --> 00:19:10,889 This is really quite something. 400 00:19:10,890 --> 00:19:13,729 I think it's probably a bit inappropriate for your guests 401 00:19:13,730 --> 00:19:16,449 to see your body at this... 402 00:19:16,450 --> 00:19:19,330 I'm just going to... Shall I put it somewhere safe? 403 00:19:39,850 --> 00:19:41,129 Smooth. 404 00:19:41,130 --> 00:19:43,010 I told you I'd find you a buyer. 405 00:19:47,490 --> 00:19:51,849 Your boy, he is hilarious, smart, funny... 406 00:19:51,850 --> 00:19:52,890 Fuck off. 407 00:19:54,490 --> 00:19:56,570 You'd fuck anything, wouldn't you? 408 00:19:58,490 --> 00:20:00,850 Just don't tell her you got the statue from me, OK? 409 00:20:02,250 --> 00:20:03,969 How much do you want for it? 410 00:20:03,970 --> 00:20:06,090 Finger up the ass, nipple tickle...? 411 00:20:09,250 --> 00:20:11,130 Come on, lighten up. 412 00:20:14,810 --> 00:20:16,690 She's going to leave you one day. 413 00:20:20,890 --> 00:20:22,530 You looking forward to that? 414 00:20:41,250 --> 00:20:42,570 You're an asshole. 415 00:20:57,570 --> 00:20:58,610 Hey. 416 00:21:01,450 --> 00:21:03,330 Hey. 417 00:21:08,370 --> 00:21:10,209 I think you took my coat. 418 00:21:11,410 --> 00:21:13,489 I'm sorry, that's my coat. 419 00:21:13,490 --> 00:21:14,690 Sorry. 420 00:21:16,090 --> 00:21:17,969 Why you leaving so early? 421 00:21:17,970 --> 00:21:20,289 I have to give Hillary some Earl Grey. 422 00:21:20,290 --> 00:21:22,529 She's not feeling well, so... 423 00:21:22,530 --> 00:21:24,649 I got you this. 424 00:21:24,650 --> 00:21:26,570 I wasn't expecting anything. 425 00:21:31,850 --> 00:21:34,810 It's called a Burrower - it basically won't stop until you cum. 426 00:21:35,810 --> 00:21:38,130 Sounds horrendous. Thank you. 427 00:21:39,930 --> 00:21:42,369 Good birthday business? 428 00:21:42,370 --> 00:21:44,249 Huge. 429 00:21:44,250 --> 00:21:47,929 You know, I don't want to jinx anything, but huge. 430 00:21:47,930 --> 00:21:50,209 Could be life-changing. 431 00:21:50,210 --> 00:21:51,290 Great. 432 00:21:52,490 --> 00:21:54,129 OK, happy birthday. 433 00:21:54,130 --> 00:21:55,170 Thanks. 434 00:21:56,650 --> 00:21:57,690 Are you OK? 435 00:21:58,690 --> 00:22:00,289 Yeah. 436 00:22:00,290 --> 00:22:01,410 Tell the truth. 437 00:22:04,530 --> 00:22:05,570 Are we leaving? 438 00:22:06,730 --> 00:22:08,650 - Yes. - Birthday girl... 439 00:22:09,970 --> 00:22:12,489 Awesome party, thank you so much. We had such a great night. 440 00:22:14,170 --> 00:22:15,490 What's that? 441 00:22:17,970 --> 00:22:20,010 - Goodnight. - Goodnight. - Night. 442 00:22:30,410 --> 00:22:31,690 Shall we? 443 00:22:37,290 --> 00:22:39,369 Surprisingly bony. 444 00:22:39,370 --> 00:22:42,009 I'm nearly finished. I'm nearly finished. 445 00:22:42,010 --> 00:22:43,729 It's like having sex with a protractor. 446 00:22:43,730 --> 00:22:46,449 I'm finishing. I'm finishing. 447 00:22:46,450 --> 00:22:48,770 I'm done. I'm done. 448 00:22:49,770 --> 00:22:50,850 - I'm done. - OK. 449 00:22:53,890 --> 00:22:56,129 Yeah. Are you done? 450 00:22:56,130 --> 00:22:58,409 Yeah. Yeah. 451 00:22:58,410 --> 00:23:00,169 Amazing. That was amazing. 452 00:23:00,170 --> 00:23:02,650 - Yeah, yeah. - That was amazing. - Yeah. 453 00:23:04,810 --> 00:23:06,210 - That was amazing. - Yeah. 454 00:23:11,090 --> 00:23:12,729 For fuck's sake. 455 00:23:12,730 --> 00:23:13,770 What? 456 00:23:15,050 --> 00:23:18,609 OK, you don't go through life with teeth like these 457 00:23:18,610 --> 00:23:21,290 and not know when someone's pretending. 458 00:23:26,410 --> 00:23:29,769 What the fuck is that?! I'll kick it. - No, no. 459 00:23:29,770 --> 00:23:30,849 I'll kick it. 460 00:23:30,850 --> 00:23:31,890 What? 461 00:23:33,890 --> 00:23:36,009 Did we catch that, or is that yours? 462 00:23:36,010 --> 00:23:37,569 - That is a rat. - It's a guinea pig. 463 00:23:37,570 --> 00:23:38,690 That is a rat.