1
00:00:01,140 --> 00:00:01,240
I should get on it.

2
00:00:23,580 --> 00:00:24,620
Jogging.

3
00:00:29,540 --> 00:00:32,980
I did a fart the other day that was exactly like Mum's.

4
00:00:32,980 --> 00:00:35,140
A door opening, or suspicious dark?

5
00:00:35,140 --> 00:00:36,940
Door opening.

6
00:00:36,940 --> 00:00:38,340
Means you're getting Mum's bum.

7
00:00:38,340 --> 00:00:42,300
God, I'd be lucky. My bottom dropped ages ago.

8
00:00:42,300 --> 00:00:44,700
My farts used to be like, "Pah!"

9
00:00:44,700 --> 00:00:47,780
Now they're just sort of fighting their way out.

10
00:00:47,780 --> 00:00:49,980
I haven't farted in about three years.

11
00:00:55,580 --> 00:00:56,620
Happy birthday.

12
00:00:57,860 --> 00:00:59,940
- She won't eat it.
- Thanks.

13
00:01:04,060 --> 00:01:09,940
So, it's a 7pm arrival tonight for a 7.30 surprise, OK?

14
00:01:09,940 --> 00:01:11,140
Yeah, I got your e-mail.

15
00:01:11,140 --> 00:01:13,220
It's really a business birthday thing.

16
00:01:13,220 --> 00:01:16,500
It won't be much fun, so just don't expect a "party" party.

17
00:01:16,500 --> 00:01:17,860
I won't.

18
00:01:17,860 --> 00:01:20,180
And maybe...

19
00:01:20,180 --> 00:01:21,700
just wear trousers.

20
00:01:21,700 --> 00:01:23,180
And don't drink too much.

21
00:01:23,180 --> 00:01:25,620
There's this huge promotion in Finland,

22
00:01:25,620 --> 00:01:27,580
so this party is quite a serious...

23
00:01:27,580 --> 00:01:29,980
I mean, it's basically a business meeting.

24
00:01:29,980 --> 00:01:31,900
Sounds like a blast.

25
00:01:31,900 --> 00:01:33,140
Can I bring a date?

26
00:01:33,140 --> 00:01:34,540
- Harry?
- No.

27
00:01:34,540 --> 00:01:36,540
Who?

28
00:01:36,540 --> 00:01:37,700
Oh, I don't know yet.

29
00:01:41,020 --> 00:01:44,500
It's really inappropriate to jog around a graveyard.

30
00:01:44,500 --> 00:01:45,740
Why?

31
00:01:45,740 --> 00:01:47,980
Flaunting your life.

32
00:01:52,620 --> 00:01:54,340
God, I can't wait to be old.

33
00:01:55,740 --> 00:01:59,300
If it's any consolation, you look older than you are.

34
00:01:59,300 --> 00:02:01,380
PHONE RINGS

35
00:02:04,700 --> 00:02:05,820
Sorry, sorry.

36
00:02:07,340 --> 00:02:09,580
- Hello, Claire speaking.
- Mum died three years ago.

37
00:02:09,580 --> 00:02:11,980
She had a double mastectomy but never really recovered.

38
00:02:11,980 --> 00:02:15,980
It was particularly hard, cos she had amazing boobs.

39
00:02:15,980 --> 00:02:17,740
She used to tell me I was lucky

40
00:02:17,740 --> 00:02:20,220
cos mine would never get in the way.

41
00:02:20,220 --> 00:02:22,100
My sister's got whoppers,

42
00:02:22,100 --> 00:02:24,020
but she got all of Mum's good bits.

43
00:02:25,260 --> 00:02:27,020
What's Martin given you?

44
00:02:27,020 --> 00:02:29,140
A cursory stroke would be nice.

45
00:02:29,140 --> 00:02:31,180
What? No bang-bang?

46
00:02:31,180 --> 00:02:33,940
He says he's still got that thing on his...

47
00:02:35,620 --> 00:02:37,020
What?

48
00:02:37,020 --> 00:02:38,820
On his...

49
00:02:38,820 --> 00:02:40,220
Come on, you can do it.

50
00:02:40,220 --> 00:02:42,220
- I don't have to say...
- Yes, you do.
- No, not here.

51
00:02:42,220 --> 00:02:44,020
- Come on, little one. Come on, please.
- No.

52
00:02:44,020 --> 00:02:45,700
- Penis.
- Thank you.

53
00:02:47,620 --> 00:02:51,580
He says he still has that thing on his penis. Sorry.

54
00:02:55,820 --> 00:02:58,020
Christ, look at that man.

55
00:02:58,020 --> 00:02:59,060
Tragic.

56
00:03:00,380 --> 00:03:02,020
Nah, he's a con.

57
00:03:02,020 --> 00:03:04,620
You can't call someone who is grieving a con.

58
00:03:04,620 --> 00:03:07,180
- That is shit grieving.
- Look at him, he's properly grieving.

59
00:03:07,180 --> 00:03:11,580
- No-one grieves like that unless they are in a film or from Italy.
- Who are you to pass judgment on his grief?

60
00:03:11,580 --> 00:03:14,620
Trust me, he's at a different grave every day, he can't get enough of it.

61
00:03:14,620 --> 00:03:16,660
MAN SOBS

62
00:03:18,140 --> 00:03:19,500
What?

63
00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:20,900
You come here every day?

64
00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:29,460
Don't do a jumpy-outy surprise thing,

65
00:03:29,460 --> 00:03:33,300
and don't sing Happy Birthday, I couldn't bear it.

66
00:03:33,300 --> 00:03:34,380
I'm, erm...

67
00:03:35,820 --> 00:03:37,380
I'm actually looking forward to it.

68
00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:41,540
Hi, Harry, it's me.

69
00:03:42,700 --> 00:03:45,540
Listen, I know we're broken up, but it's Claire's birthday tonight

70
00:03:45,540 --> 00:03:46,780
and I thought that...

71
00:03:49,740 --> 00:03:51,700
I thought that maybe

72
00:03:51,700 --> 00:03:53,220
you'd like to come to her...

73
00:03:55,420 --> 00:03:56,460
..birthday party.

74
00:03:57,580 --> 00:04:00,620
Anyway, give me a call, and I hope you're OK. Bye.

75
00:04:08,780 --> 00:04:10,180
I can't go out with a dog.

76
00:04:16,820 --> 00:04:18,220
CAMERA CLICKS

77
00:04:22,660 --> 00:04:25,740
My boyfriend before Harry used to make me send him pictures of

78
00:04:25,740 --> 00:04:27,380
my vagina wherever I was,

79
00:04:27,380 --> 00:04:29,020
ten or 11 times a day.

80
00:04:29,020 --> 00:04:31,220
One day when I was temping he asked me to...

81
00:05:06,900 --> 00:05:08,340
Time to throw the net out.

82
00:05:12,460 --> 00:05:14,180
I am in so much trouble.

83
00:05:14,180 --> 00:05:15,540
Jesus Christ.

84
00:05:15,540 --> 00:05:16,820
What am I going to get Claire?

85
00:05:16,820 --> 00:05:18,700
I am meant to get her the perfect present.

86
00:05:18,700 --> 00:05:20,940
- I am not drunk.
- Always drunk.

87
00:05:20,940 --> 00:05:22,980
I am not drunk!

88
00:05:22,980 --> 00:05:25,180
Which is odd, cos Claire's so straight.

89
00:05:25,180 --> 00:05:26,340
Smack me in the face.

90
00:05:26,340 --> 00:05:27,860
- Really hard.
- Really?

91
00:05:27,860 --> 00:05:29,940
Yeah.

92
00:05:29,940 --> 00:05:31,060
Oh, good.

93
00:05:33,580 --> 00:05:34,700
Fuck.

94
00:05:34,700 --> 00:05:37,700
I think you gave me a semi.

95
00:05:37,700 --> 00:05:40,820
Can I eat a water or a sandwich, or something?

96
00:05:40,820 --> 00:05:42,580
I mean, the man's got a problem.

97
00:05:42,580 --> 00:05:44,860
Speak to me. Speak to me.

98
00:05:44,860 --> 00:05:47,860
But no-one wants to admit there's a problem because then they don't get

99
00:05:47,860 --> 00:05:49,860
to have crazy nights out with Fun Drunk Martin.

100
00:05:49,860 --> 00:05:51,580
Chicken, are you chicken? No.

101
00:05:51,580 --> 00:05:55,020
He's one of those men who is explosively sexually inappropriate

102
00:05:55,020 --> 00:05:58,140
with everyone, but makes you feel bad if you take offence

103
00:05:58,140 --> 00:06:00,020
because he was "just being fun".

104
00:06:00,020 --> 00:06:02,540
Honestly, you could tell him you're going to pop to the loo

105
00:06:02,540 --> 00:06:03,580
and he'll say...

106
00:06:03,580 --> 00:06:06,580
Yes, you pop to the loo, pull down your knickers,

107
00:06:06,580 --> 00:06:07,900
and then I will come in

108
00:06:07,900 --> 00:06:09,500
and fuck you.

109
00:06:14,500 --> 00:06:16,100
I mean, this place is ridiculous.

110
00:06:16,100 --> 00:06:17,940
Does anyone ever come here?

111
00:06:17,940 --> 00:06:20,340
I mean, it is creepy as fuck.

112
00:06:20,340 --> 00:06:21,900
Why don't you get her a guinea pig?

113
00:06:21,900 --> 00:06:23,780
It was a surprise hit here.

114
00:06:23,780 --> 00:06:26,300
What, you think she'd like a pig? Can I take this one?

115
00:06:26,300 --> 00:06:27,340
No, not that one.

116
00:06:28,700 --> 00:06:31,060
Christ, woman, there's something wrong with that one,

117
00:06:31,060 --> 00:06:33,060
it's got death in its eyes.

118
00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:35,220
Yeah, the vet says she's depressed.

119
00:06:35,220 --> 00:06:36,780
Oh.

120
00:06:36,780 --> 00:06:37,820
Aren't we all, girl?

121
00:06:39,060 --> 00:06:42,380
You know, guinea pigs can die of loneliness.

122
00:06:42,380 --> 00:06:43,420
Can they?

123
00:06:44,620 --> 00:06:45,700
- Hold her.
- No.

124
00:06:45,700 --> 00:06:47,860
- She needs it.
- No.

125
00:06:47,860 --> 00:06:48,900
Shh!

126
00:06:50,060 --> 00:06:51,220
I have an idea.

127
00:06:51,220 --> 00:06:54,740
He's sexually inappropriate and he eats raw sausages but no-one's

128
00:06:54,740 --> 00:06:57,900
made her laugh like he does, so I guess I have to give him that.

129
00:06:57,900 --> 00:07:00,540
Right, just put your... What are you doing? What are you doing?

130
00:07:00,540 --> 00:07:01,820
- No.
- Stop it.

131
00:07:01,820 --> 00:07:03,380
No, no, no, there.

132
00:07:03,380 --> 00:07:04,980
There we go.

133
00:07:06,180 --> 00:07:07,300
I'm an innocent man.

134
00:07:08,460 --> 00:07:10,940
I bought her a necklace with her name on it,

135
00:07:10,940 --> 00:07:13,100
- that she found and told me not to buy.
- OK.

136
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:14,700
I bought her a book

137
00:07:14,700 --> 00:07:16,660
that she already has.

138
00:07:16,660 --> 00:07:18,780
She says not to buy her any clothes

139
00:07:18,780 --> 00:07:20,780
because she probably won't wear them.

140
00:07:20,780 --> 00:07:22,220
She scares me!

141
00:07:23,500 --> 00:07:26,380
This sandwich is so good.

142
00:07:26,380 --> 00:07:27,500
Look, this is London.

143
00:07:27,500 --> 00:07:30,220
Just fuck off and buy something weird and expensive.

144
00:07:30,220 --> 00:07:32,900
No, no, it's got to be good, all right. Help me!

145
00:07:32,900 --> 00:07:34,100
Pay me and I'll help you.

146
00:07:34,100 --> 00:07:35,300
Fuck off.

147
00:07:35,300 --> 00:07:36,620
How much?

148
00:07:36,620 --> 00:07:37,740
£60.

149
00:07:37,740 --> 00:07:38,980
- 70.
- Done.

150
00:07:38,980 --> 00:07:40,020
Yeah!

151
00:07:44,940 --> 00:07:46,260
I don't know who she is.

152
00:07:47,860 --> 00:07:49,740
Is she...?

153
00:07:49,740 --> 00:07:50,780
No.

154
00:07:52,580 --> 00:07:54,220
What about...?

155
00:07:54,220 --> 00:07:55,260
No!

156
00:07:57,460 --> 00:08:00,220
Just...get whoever you are.

157
00:08:01,340 --> 00:08:02,380
Who are you?

158
00:08:03,740 --> 00:08:04,900
I don't know.

159
00:08:04,900 --> 00:08:06,300
I want to be that person.

160
00:08:07,540 --> 00:08:09,540
I have been that person.

161
00:08:09,540 --> 00:08:11,460
Ha.

162
00:08:11,460 --> 00:08:14,580
But most of the time I'm that person, like everyone else.

163
00:08:14,580 --> 00:08:16,980
They're good, right? Chic.

164
00:08:16,980 --> 00:08:19,300
Chic means boring - don't tell the French.

165
00:08:19,300 --> 00:08:20,900
What about these?

166
00:08:20,900 --> 00:08:22,260
No. God.

167
00:08:23,940 --> 00:08:28,140
Stop checking, all right, nobody loves you. Help me here.

168
00:08:30,540 --> 00:08:32,620
Who is this person?

169
00:08:33,660 --> 00:08:35,020
Fuck, no.

170
00:08:36,340 --> 00:08:37,940
This is perfect.

171
00:08:37,940 --> 00:08:40,260
Get her something she'd never get herself.

172
00:08:40,260 --> 00:08:41,340
Surprise her.

173
00:08:41,340 --> 00:08:42,820
She'll think I've gone nuts.

174
00:08:42,820 --> 00:08:45,500
No, she'll think you see her as this person,

175
00:08:45,500 --> 00:08:47,940
and everyone wants to be this person.

176
00:08:47,940 --> 00:08:49,300
I don't know, I...

177
00:08:49,300 --> 00:08:51,420
Aren't these for children?

178
00:08:51,420 --> 00:08:52,460
No.

179
00:08:53,860 --> 00:08:57,420
Let's keep going. I saw some more stuff she'll hate over there.

180
00:08:58,500 --> 00:08:59,540
LAUGHTER

181
00:09:06,060 --> 00:09:08,100
My neighbour

182
00:09:08,100 --> 00:09:09,580
is really fit.

183
00:09:09,580 --> 00:09:10,740
Which one?

184
00:09:10,740 --> 00:09:13,180
- The fit one.
- The one with the sexy big belly?

185
00:09:13,180 --> 00:09:16,940
No, no, he's the other neighbour. He's like, he's like, OK...

186
00:09:17,980 --> 00:09:21,100
I'm going to hold his face in my head so you can see him.

187
00:09:21,100 --> 00:09:22,140
OK.

188
00:09:26,860 --> 00:09:28,980
I'm not getting anything.

189
00:09:28,980 --> 00:09:30,220
Make your face his face.

190
00:09:30,220 --> 00:09:31,260
Yeah, OK.

191
00:09:34,860 --> 00:09:35,940
Is he mixed race?

192
00:09:35,940 --> 00:09:37,340
I'm getting mixed race.

193
00:09:37,340 --> 00:09:38,380
Yes!

194
00:09:38,380 --> 00:09:39,780
DOOR CLOSES

195
00:09:39,780 --> 00:09:41,220
- That's him.
- Go on.

196
00:09:41,220 --> 00:09:42,900
No.

197
00:09:42,900 --> 00:09:44,100
OK. OK!

198
00:09:50,180 --> 00:09:51,420
Jesus.

199
00:09:51,420 --> 00:09:53,380
I'm really sorry, we're really high.

200
00:09:53,380 --> 00:09:55,540
We just really wanted to know what you look like.

201
00:09:57,380 --> 00:09:58,900
She thinks you're lovely.

202
00:10:08,740 --> 00:10:12,780
Oh, my God, look at my elegant feet.

203
00:10:19,220 --> 00:10:21,380
Hey. Hey! Hey. Hey.

204
00:10:21,380 --> 00:10:22,580
Hello!

205
00:10:22,580 --> 00:10:23,620
Hey. HEY!

206
00:10:25,580 --> 00:10:27,420
What's your problem? Who was that?

207
00:10:28,460 --> 00:10:30,340
Oh, no-one, it was...

208
00:10:30,340 --> 00:10:31,500
What?

209
00:10:31,500 --> 00:10:35,820
No, no-one. I just need to go and get a drink, or something.

210
00:10:35,820 --> 00:10:38,140
OK.

211
00:10:38,140 --> 00:10:39,500
Excellent.

212
00:10:39,500 --> 00:10:41,060
Can I go and get my shoes?

213
00:10:41,060 --> 00:10:42,860
Yeah. OK.

214
00:10:51,780 --> 00:10:53,780
Whoa. Easy, tiger.

215
00:10:56,740 --> 00:10:57,780
Coming from you?

216
00:10:59,460 --> 00:11:01,580
So, come on, who was that heartbreaker, hmm?

217
00:11:04,380 --> 00:11:05,540
He used to go out with Boo.

218
00:11:06,900 --> 00:11:09,300
Then he slept with someone else, and then she...

219
00:11:10,620 --> 00:11:12,180
Yeah, yeah, I know, OK.

220
00:11:13,220 --> 00:11:14,300
Fuck.

221
00:11:15,940 --> 00:11:18,180
I've never really said how sorry I was.

222
00:11:18,180 --> 00:11:19,820
You should get the trainers.

223
00:11:20,820 --> 00:11:22,180
She'll say I don't know her.

224
00:11:22,180 --> 00:11:23,340
You don't.

225
00:11:23,340 --> 00:11:25,180
You're just as bad.

226
00:11:25,180 --> 00:11:26,700
It's never clear what she wants.

227
00:11:26,700 --> 00:11:29,140
I should just get her some perfume.

228
00:11:29,140 --> 00:11:32,220
Jesus, just fuck her, please,

229
00:11:32,220 --> 00:11:33,780
for the love of a good woman.

230
00:11:33,780 --> 00:11:35,380
Just wrap your willy up in a bow

231
00:11:35,380 --> 00:11:37,420
and just screw her, she's going insane.

232
00:11:41,380 --> 00:11:43,820
What is it?

233
00:11:43,820 --> 00:11:45,260
Are you having an affair?

234
00:11:49,340 --> 00:11:53,300
Think you're a clever little puss, don't you?

235
00:11:53,300 --> 00:11:55,380
A little marital poke isn't going to kill you.

236
00:11:55,380 --> 00:11:57,660
Would it kill her to take me out to dinner?

237
00:11:57,660 --> 00:11:59,420
You girls, Jesus.

238
00:11:59,420 --> 00:12:01,380
Anyone said that to her, they'd be hung.

239
00:12:01,380 --> 00:12:04,660
If they were hung, she probably wouldn't be complaining.

240
00:12:15,420 --> 00:12:17,660
Little advice from a married man.

241
00:12:19,660 --> 00:12:23,540
You should probably get yourself out there, sweetie.

242
00:12:23,540 --> 00:12:25,740
You're just tipping your prime.

243
00:12:31,700 --> 00:12:32,860
Another drink?

244
00:12:32,860 --> 00:12:33,940
PHONE RINGS

245
00:12:33,940 --> 00:12:35,940
Bingo.

246
00:12:35,940 --> 00:12:37,780
Excuse me, I have a date.

247
00:12:39,340 --> 00:12:41,300
Get the trainers. Shop closes in an hour.

248
00:12:44,500 --> 00:12:48,620
Oh, God. I was not expecting to see you again.

249
00:12:48,620 --> 00:12:51,620
- Shut up.
- I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm chuffed to my boots, but...

250
00:12:51,620 --> 00:12:53,740
Oh, and thank you for the text, saucy.

251
00:12:55,380 --> 00:12:56,660
Oh, and sorry I'm late.

252
00:12:56,660 --> 00:12:58,300
Oh, no, it's fine, it was last-minute.

253
00:12:58,300 --> 00:13:00,540
- It's really nice to see...
- No, no, I'm such a tool box.

254
00:13:00,540 --> 00:13:03,340
You know, I'd like to say I was trying to save a puppy, or something,

255
00:13:03,340 --> 00:13:06,260
but I just got my coat caught on someone else's coat outside the Tube.

256
00:13:06,260 --> 00:13:09,820
When we went to separate ourselves, it was fucking intense - I had to give him my coat.

257
00:13:09,820 --> 00:13:12,460
- What are we doing?
- It's my sister's surprise birthday party.

258
00:13:12,460 --> 00:13:14,020
Oh, my God, I love surprises, go on.

259
00:13:14,020 --> 00:13:16,340
But I just thought... I need to get her a present first.

260
00:13:16,340 --> 00:13:18,460
Oh, my God, what are you going to get her?

261
00:13:18,460 --> 00:13:20,180
I know this beautiful soap shop.

262
00:13:20,180 --> 00:13:22,980
I mean, this stuff just gets you straight in the bath.

263
00:13:22,980 --> 00:13:24,780
Oh, I was thinking more like...

264
00:13:28,180 --> 00:13:31,220
Oh, yeah...these places all the time...

265
00:13:31,220 --> 00:13:32,540
So... Yup.

266
00:13:34,460 --> 00:13:36,820
- Are you OK?
- Yeah.

267
00:13:36,820 --> 00:13:38,300
Sorry, I won't be long.

268
00:13:38,300 --> 00:13:39,860
Oh, no, no.

269
00:13:43,420 --> 00:13:45,780
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.

270
00:13:45,780 --> 00:13:48,420
Hey, what are you craving?

271
00:13:48,420 --> 00:13:50,900
Oh, just a really, really cheap thrill.

272
00:13:50,900 --> 00:13:52,700
For you?

273
00:13:52,700 --> 00:13:53,940
Oh, hello.

274
00:13:53,940 --> 00:13:55,660
No, it's for her sister.

275
00:13:55,660 --> 00:13:58,380
It's for my very sexually frustrated sister.

276
00:13:58,380 --> 00:13:59,980
Just a basic bunny would be great.

277
00:13:59,980 --> 00:14:03,820
OK, well, I'll see what I can dig out and you go browse.

278
00:14:03,820 --> 00:14:04,860
Thanks.

279
00:14:11,860 --> 00:14:12,900
VIBRATOR BUZZES

280
00:14:12,900 --> 00:14:13,940
Oh.

281
00:14:15,180 --> 00:14:16,220
Oh, I think you just...

282
00:14:16,220 --> 00:14:17,620
do it at the bottom.

283
00:14:21,580 --> 00:14:22,820
It's all in the twist.

284
00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:28,220
Ooh.

285
00:14:30,740 --> 00:14:31,820
Oh.

286
00:14:31,820 --> 00:14:33,460
I know.

287
00:14:33,460 --> 00:14:35,020
You should totally get one of those.

288
00:14:35,020 --> 00:14:36,500
- A vagina?
- Yeah.

289
00:14:36,500 --> 00:14:38,620
Oh, I've already got one.

290
00:14:38,620 --> 00:14:40,380
Really? You have... No...

291
00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:41,740
You've got one?

292
00:14:41,740 --> 00:14:43,700
I take it with me everywhere.

293
00:14:43,700 --> 00:14:46,460
You lie. You don't have one on you now?

294
00:14:46,460 --> 00:14:48,220
Yep. Never going to get it.

295
00:14:48,220 --> 00:14:49,540
Where?

296
00:14:49,540 --> 00:14:51,340
- Where's my vagina?
- Yeah.

297
00:14:51,340 --> 00:14:53,020
- Where's my vagina?
- Yeah.

298
00:14:54,420 --> 00:14:56,420
Ha, you got me.

299
00:14:56,420 --> 00:14:59,620
I don't carry a vagina around with me,

300
00:14:59,620 --> 00:15:01,700
that would be way too provocative.

301
00:15:03,300 --> 00:15:04,340
Didn't get it.

302
00:15:04,340 --> 00:15:06,740
OK, so this one's really great.

303
00:15:06,740 --> 00:15:09,660
It's half price because it's quite relentless.

304
00:15:09,660 --> 00:15:11,380
It's called the Burrower.

305
00:15:11,380 --> 00:15:14,780
Basically it doesn't stop until you've cum.

306
00:15:14,780 --> 00:15:15,820
Excuse me.

307
00:15:16,860 --> 00:15:20,140
Oh, don't worry about him, he'll be fine in a minute.

308
00:15:20,140 --> 00:15:23,140
Oh, my God, I love surprise parties.

309
00:15:23,140 --> 00:15:25,180
I love them, I love them, I love them.

310
00:15:25,180 --> 00:15:26,420
Will your parents be there?

311
00:15:26,420 --> 00:15:28,180
- My dad might be...
- Oh, intense.

312
00:15:29,700 --> 00:15:30,740
Parents adore me.

313
00:15:31,900 --> 00:15:35,340
I want you to be totally in love with me by the end of the night.

314
00:15:35,340 --> 00:15:36,620
OK?

315
00:15:36,620 --> 00:15:38,740
CAR HORN TOOTS

316
00:15:38,740 --> 00:15:41,100
Who's that?

317
00:15:41,100 --> 00:15:42,500
Oh, it's my sister.

318
00:15:42,500 --> 00:15:45,260
- Oh, no! We're going to ruin the surprise.
- No, no...

319
00:15:45,260 --> 00:15:47,220
- No, no, no.
- No, really.
- Get down.

320
00:15:47,220 --> 00:15:48,500
It will be fine.

321
00:15:48,500 --> 00:15:50,140
ALL: Surprise!

322
00:15:50,140 --> 00:15:52,580
Oh, my God, thank you so much.

323
00:15:52,580 --> 00:15:54,220
I'm so surprised.

324
00:15:54,220 --> 00:15:55,460
She's very good.

325
00:15:55,460 --> 00:15:58,580
How divine. What a lovely husband you have.

326
00:15:58,580 --> 00:15:59,700
Where is he then?

327
00:16:01,860 --> 00:16:03,860
Ah. Busy.

328
00:16:03,860 --> 00:16:05,340
I'm blown away.

329
00:16:05,340 --> 00:16:07,340
I had absolutely no idea.

330
00:16:09,060 --> 00:16:11,660
Hildegard, can I just grab you for a second?

331
00:16:11,660 --> 00:16:13,020
- Hello.
- Hello.

332
00:16:14,340 --> 00:16:16,460
Oh, Dad, hi.

333
00:16:18,260 --> 00:16:21,940
Thank you for asking, yeah, I'm essentially a documentary maker.

334
00:16:21,940 --> 00:16:22,980
Docs.

335
00:16:22,980 --> 00:16:24,420
RAUCOUS LAUGH

336
00:16:24,420 --> 00:16:27,460
Oh, really? What is your latest project?

337
00:16:27,460 --> 00:16:30,860
Well, sir, I'm interested in life,

338
00:16:30,860 --> 00:16:36,180
and how it affects lots of people in all sorts of different ways.

339
00:16:36,180 --> 00:16:38,540
Yeah, it's awesome.

340
00:16:38,540 --> 00:16:41,540
- How did you meet?
- I met her on a bus.

341
00:16:41,540 --> 00:16:43,220
So easy to pick up girls these days.

342
00:16:43,220 --> 00:16:46,420
I was, like, "Hi", and she was, like, "Take my number."

343
00:16:46,420 --> 00:16:48,180
I was, like, "Yeah."

344
00:16:48,180 --> 00:16:50,620
I'm just going to see if there are any other wines to try.

345
00:16:50,620 --> 00:16:55,260
It's lovely, I'm just going to see if there are some others.

346
00:16:55,260 --> 00:16:57,020
Excuse me. Can't resist.

347
00:17:01,460 --> 00:17:03,380
Did you find anything nicer?

348
00:17:03,380 --> 00:17:05,900
Oh, I was so sorry to hear about Harry.

349
00:17:06,940 --> 00:17:08,540
Lovely Harry.

350
00:17:08,540 --> 00:17:10,300
Love Harry.

351
00:17:10,300 --> 00:17:11,980
Exciting news about his new job.

352
00:17:13,580 --> 00:17:15,620
Yes, very exciting.

353
00:17:15,620 --> 00:17:18,580
I was so pleased that you'd found someone else so fast.

354
00:17:20,500 --> 00:17:24,300
I just can't stop conjuring an image of you sitting around that cafe,

355
00:17:24,300 --> 00:17:28,020
just all alone, feeling so terribly lonely.

356
00:17:28,020 --> 00:17:29,740
Just can't stop picturing it.

357
00:17:31,860 --> 00:17:34,420
I don't think you have to be alone to be lonely.

358
00:17:34,420 --> 00:17:37,460
Dad always taught me that.

359
00:17:37,460 --> 00:17:40,460
Did your father tell you that one of my pieces has gone missing?

360
00:17:40,460 --> 00:17:42,060
He did.

361
00:17:42,060 --> 00:17:44,220
That's awful, I'm so sorry.

362
00:17:44,220 --> 00:17:46,100
So sweet of you.

363
00:17:46,100 --> 00:17:47,580
Very sweet.

364
00:17:47,580 --> 00:17:49,100
May I cut in?

365
00:17:49,100 --> 00:17:50,660
Yes, of course.

366
00:17:50,660 --> 00:17:54,180
Do you know? You are the most perfect-looking pair.

367
00:17:57,340 --> 00:17:58,900
Such a great gang.

368
00:17:58,900 --> 00:18:00,860
Do you want some normal food?

369
00:18:00,860 --> 00:18:03,020
No, no.

370
00:18:03,020 --> 00:18:04,740
What I really want you to do...

371
00:18:05,780 --> 00:18:07,260
..is this.

372
00:18:07,260 --> 00:18:08,860
GLASS SMASHES

373
00:18:08,860 --> 00:18:10,740
Sorry, nothing happened.

374
00:18:10,740 --> 00:18:12,500
I was trying to be sexy.

375
00:18:12,500 --> 00:18:13,820
It was, it was really sexy.

376
00:18:13,820 --> 00:18:15,020
- Was it?
- What broke?

377
00:18:15,020 --> 00:18:16,420
What broke? Show me.

378
00:18:16,420 --> 00:18:17,700
Nothing, I just slipped.

379
00:18:17,700 --> 00:18:19,780
Claire, this is my friend...

380
00:18:19,780 --> 00:18:21,300
Yes, yes, we've already met.

381
00:18:21,300 --> 00:18:22,340
My wife.

382
00:18:23,660 --> 00:18:25,500
My wife.

383
00:18:25,500 --> 00:18:26,660
My wife.

384
00:18:27,980 --> 00:18:32,140
All of your desires are wrapped up in here.

385
00:18:33,340 --> 00:18:35,060
OK.

386
00:18:35,060 --> 00:18:36,100
Open it.

387
00:18:40,020 --> 00:18:42,900
Well, gold has always...

388
00:18:46,660 --> 00:18:47,700
Wow.

389
00:18:50,020 --> 00:18:52,380
That's really rather wonderful.

390
00:18:52,380 --> 00:18:54,380
Thank you. What is it?

391
00:18:54,380 --> 00:18:56,260
Is it a paperweight, or...?

392
00:18:56,260 --> 00:18:57,740
It is a shrine to your body...

393
00:18:59,540 --> 00:19:00,980
..because I love your body.

394
00:19:02,820 --> 00:19:05,060
- Thank you.
- Wow.

395
00:19:05,060 --> 00:19:07,020
Wow. This is really...

396
00:19:07,020 --> 00:19:08,500
Can I... Can I see this?

397
00:19:08,500 --> 00:19:11,220
This is really quite something.

398
00:19:11,220 --> 00:19:14,060
Wow, I think it's probably a bit inappropriate for your guests

399
00:19:14,060 --> 00:19:16,780
to see your body at this...

400
00:19:16,780 --> 00:19:19,660
I'm just going to... Shall I put it somewhere safe?

401
00:19:34,940 --> 00:19:37,260
HE CLEARS THROAT

402
00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:41,460
Smooth.

403
00:19:41,460 --> 00:19:43,340
I told you I'd find you a buyer.

404
00:19:47,820 --> 00:19:52,180
Your boy, he is hilarious, smart, funny...

405
00:19:52,180 --> 00:19:53,220
Fuck off.

406
00:19:54,820 --> 00:19:56,900
You'd fuck anything, wouldn't you?

407
00:19:58,820 --> 00:20:01,180
Just don't tell her you got the statue from me, OK?

408
00:20:02,580 --> 00:20:04,300
How much do you want for it?

409
00:20:04,300 --> 00:20:06,420
Finger up the ass, nipple tickle...?

410
00:20:09,580 --> 00:20:11,460
Come on, lighten up.

411
00:20:15,140 --> 00:20:17,020
She's going to leave you one day.

412
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:22,860
You looking forward to that?

413
00:20:41,580 --> 00:20:42,900
You're an asshole.

414
00:20:57,900 --> 00:20:58,940
Hey.

415
00:21:01,780 --> 00:21:03,660
Hey.

416
00:21:08,700 --> 00:21:10,540
I think you took my coat.

417
00:21:10,540 --> 00:21:11,740
Oh.

418
00:21:11,740 --> 00:21:13,820
I'm sorry, that's my coat.

419
00:21:13,820 --> 00:21:15,020
Sorry.

420
00:21:16,420 --> 00:21:18,300
Why you leaving so early?

421
00:21:18,300 --> 00:21:20,620
I have to give Hillary some Earl Grey.

422
00:21:20,620 --> 00:21:22,860
She's not feeling well, so...

423
00:21:22,860 --> 00:21:24,980
Oh, I got you this.

424
00:21:24,980 --> 00:21:26,900
Oh, I wasn't expecting anything.

425
00:21:32,180 --> 00:21:35,140
It's called a Burrower - it basically won't stop until you cum.

426
00:21:36,140 --> 00:21:38,460
Sounds horrendous. Thank you.

427
00:21:40,260 --> 00:21:42,700
Good birthday business?

428
00:21:42,700 --> 00:21:44,580
Huge.

429
00:21:44,580 --> 00:21:48,260
You know, I don't want to jinx anything, but huge.

430
00:21:48,260 --> 00:21:50,540
Could be life-changing.

431
00:21:50,540 --> 00:21:51,620
Great.

432
00:21:52,820 --> 00:21:54,460
OK, happy birthday.

433
00:21:54,460 --> 00:21:55,500
Thanks.

434
00:21:56,980 --> 00:21:58,020
Are you OK?

435
00:21:59,020 --> 00:22:00,620
Yeah.

436
00:22:00,620 --> 00:22:01,740
Tell the truth.

437
00:22:04,860 --> 00:22:05,900
Are we leaving?

438
00:22:07,060 --> 00:22:08,980
- Yes.
- Birthday girl...

439
00:22:10,300 --> 00:22:12,820
Awesome party, thank you so much. We had such a great night.

440
00:22:12,820 --> 00:22:14,500
Oh.

441
00:22:14,500 --> 00:22:15,820
What's that? Oh.

442
00:22:18,300 --> 00:22:20,340
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
- Night.

443
00:22:30,740 --> 00:22:32,020
Shall we?

444
00:22:37,620 --> 00:22:39,700
Surprisingly bony.

445
00:22:39,700 --> 00:22:42,340
I'm nearly finished. I'm nearly finished.

446
00:22:42,340 --> 00:22:44,060
It's like having sex with a protractor.

447
00:22:44,060 --> 00:22:46,780
I'm finishing. I'm finishing.

448
00:22:46,780 --> 00:22:49,100
I'm done. I'm done.

449
00:22:50,100 --> 00:22:51,180
- I'm done.
- OK.

450
00:22:54,220 --> 00:22:56,460
Yeah. Are you done?

451
00:22:56,460 --> 00:22:58,740
Oh, yeah. Yeah.

452
00:22:58,740 --> 00:23:00,500
Amazing. That was amazing.

453
00:23:00,500 --> 00:23:02,980
- Yeah, yeah.
- That was amazing.
- Yeah.

454
00:23:05,140 --> 00:23:06,540
- That was amazing.
- Yeah.

455
00:23:11,420 --> 00:23:13,060
For fuck's sake.

456
00:23:13,060 --> 00:23:14,100
What?

457
00:23:15,380 --> 00:23:18,940
OK, you don't go through life with teeth like these

458
00:23:18,940 --> 00:23:21,620
and not know when someone's pretending.

459
00:23:26,740 --> 00:23:30,100
- What the fuck is that?! I'll kick it.
- No, no.

460
00:23:30,100 --> 00:23:31,180
I'll kick it.

461
00:23:31,180 --> 00:23:32,220
What?

462
00:23:34,220 --> 00:23:36,340
Did we catch that, or is that yours?

463
00:23:36,340 --> 00:23:37,900
- That is a rat.
- It's a guinea pig.

464
00:23:37,900 --> 00:23:39,020
That is a rat.

465
00:23:59,420 --> 00:24:01,460
GUINEA PIG SQUEAKS