- Oh. Peace be with you. - Yeah, you, too.
Thank you.
- Peace be with you. - Peace be with you.
And also with you.
Peace be with you.
- And also with you. - Peace be with you.
Peace be with you.
- Peace be with you. - And also with you.
Peace be with you.
And also with you.
Let us pray.
Our Father,
Who art in Heaven,
hallowed be Thy name.
Thy Kingdom come,
Thy will be done on Earth
as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
and forgive us our trespasses
as we forgive those who trespass against us,
and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
Amen.
Rooted, grafted
Built on Thee.
Please be seated.
And also with you.
Um...
Sorry, uh...
Uh, yes, today's, um...
Uh, uh, today's notices.
There's a raffle, um, at tomorrow's fete
to raise funds for the, uh... uh, t... Uh, excuse...
I'm sorry. The diocesan pilgrimage to Lourdes.
Uh, congratulations to St. Ethelred's football club.
3-1 victory.
Uh, next Friday is a First Friday,
and I'm going to be making my usual sick calls
to the housebound with the Eucharist.
And finally, on Thursday, I'm going to begin
H-Holy Communion preparation classes.
And there are more details of that in the parish newsletter
along with my latest review.
That's all, folks.
Uh, please stand for God's blessing.
- Thanks so much. All the best. - Thank you, Father.
Sure. See you next week. All the best.
- Really good one, Father. - Nice to see you, Gina.
Loved the story about your eye.
Oh, yes. Stop, stop. Off you go.
Give my regards to those budgies.
- Hello. - Hi.
- This is lovely. - Oh, thank you. Thank you.
I thought you'd be in prison by now.
Oh, well, I keep trying, but they just won't have me.
I'm sorry about your eye.
Oh, that's okay. Gives me some edge.
I've told them some heroic bullshit.
Ah, bless you, Sandy.
- Thank you, Father. - Bless you.
- Get well. - Thank you.
- Bye, now. Have a nice day. - Thank you, bye-bye.
- God bless you. - Bye. See you next week.
Bless you.
I just wanted to, uh, pay you back for dinner.
- Oh, no. - Because I...
- Thank you. Honestly. - No, no, really. I insist.
It'll have to be in installments.
I don't want it. I've got no pockets.
But I really... I just, I...
Honestly, thank you.
- Okay. - Ah, ah, ah!
I'm going to knife the candles, Father.
They're a bit clogged up.
- Okay, Pam. - Yeah.
Well, the-the hair dryer is in the, in the wonky drawer.
Under the wonky drawer. Yes, I know.
- Hello, love. - Hi.
Oh, is that for the collection? How sweet.
How kind. Thank you.
That's Pam.
Do you like tea?
Jesus?
- Tea. - Great.
I don't want to boast,
but I make a cracking... Oh!
- Bastard! Sorry! - Oh.
- Bastard! - Um...
Let me just, let me just get this.
Okay. Oh, dear.
Oh, is that holy?
A bit less than it was before.
Shit. Uh...
Oh, well.
He'll understand. He's an understanding sort.
Okay.
There you go.
Sorry about all the tat.
It's for a fund-raiser garden party thing tomorrow.
So much stuff. Absolutely no staff.
You can volunteer if you want.
Ah.
- I'm only joking. - Oh.
- Probably got a life. Oh. - Mm.
- What's the time? - Um...
Do you want a proper drink?
I've got cans of G&T from M&S.
- Well, it's... - I will if you will.
Okay.
Yeah.
Thanks.
So, you're a cool priest, are you?
- A cool priest? - Yeah.
No, I'm a big reader with no friends.
Are you a cool person?
Oh, I'm a pretty normal person.
- A normal person. - Yeah, a normal person.
- What makes you a normal person? - Well, I don't believe in God.
I love it when He does that.
So, you were in my prayers last night.
Likewise.
I'm sorry for your loss.
What?
Your baby.
Oh. Yeah, thank you.
Thank you. Yes. I, uh...
I'm... Thank you.
Is the father all right?
Well, he's... He doesn't really...
exist.
I understand.
The funeral liturgy says
that life is changed, not ended.
I've always loved that, if that's of any help.
No. Thank you very much, but I really am an atheist.
Yeah, I gathered that by the smelling of the Bible.
Oh.
New sermon?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's, uh... I-I write,
uh, restaurant reviews
for the parish magazine.
I was just finishing up the last one.
I actually just came up with a really good title.
Oh, what is it?
No.
- What? - No, it's not cool.
Well, neither are we, so...
"I'd spend 40 days and 40 nights in that dessert."
Oh, God, I fancy a priest.
Okay. Thanks.
Hey.
Are you having an event?
No.
What? Why are there so many people here?
Well, it's just successful, I guess.
Why is everyone talking to each other?
Oh, it's Chatty Wednesday. If you buy something,
you have to have a chat with someone you don't know.
- What?! - Loneliness pays.
Listen, can we...?
Sure.
- I know you and I haven't... - Have you had a checkup?
Yes. It's-it's fine.
It's really not a big deal. It happens all the time.
- Hello. - No!
- Where are you from? - I'm-I'm not... This isn't...
I'm-I'm not part of this.
I shouldn't have to... I don't want to tell you that.
No. Sorry. No.
Tooting.
She hasn't bought anything yet, Joe.
Oh, shit! I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
Does Martin know?
You're not supposed to tell anyone for the first 12 weeks.
- Well, you can tell the father. - I just haven't told him, okay?
- Okay, well, what does he know? - I don't want to talk about it.
Okay? And I never want anyone to know about it.
You have it.
You're better at dealing with awful things, anyway.
- I don't want it. - Well, you took it,
and now everyone thinks you have it, so you have it.
What?
They're some pretty funky trainers.
I said I'm fine.
I just really, really don't want anyone
to make a big deal out of this, okay?
Brutal. Just brutal.
- You must feel rotten. - Mm.
Do you feel rotten?
Um, I'd-I'd rather not talk about it, if that's okay.
Of course, darling. Come on up.
Claire, get the door, for God's sake.
Did-did you know who the father was?
Um, you know, I'd rather not talk about it, if that's okay.
No, of course, darling.
Here. Here.
I've got a setup I'm very excited about.
- It's going to be very striking. - Cool.
So, Claire, if you just sit here.
That's lovely, and, darling.
- Mm-hmm. - Just beside her.
Like that. Lovely.
And actually, if you could just...
That's it. That's it.
- Just a bit. - Oh.
A bit more. Bit more.
There. Perfect. Gorgeous. Yes.
Sorry, no. If you could just...
That's it. Thank you, darling.
- So, um... - She can't not talk about it
- You know, I have six friends... - A lie.
Who've had miscarriages.
Five of them never managed to produce a child afterwards.
But the sixth one did, and rather regretted it.
So, I think you've probably done the right thing.
Thank you.
Did you never want them?
Oh, I'm still thinking about it.
Is Dad here? I texted him, but...
- Oh, I saw that. - Oh, so he is here?
Sorry, no. I've got his phone today.
I love that color.
- Which one? - That one.
Oh, that's three colors.
- Right. - I'm getting rid of it.
But it was quite an adventure painting.
I had an orgasm as I finished it.
Well, let's hope we all get
as much pleasure out of this one.
No, no. Could you...
Um, I have a pretty full afternoon, so...
Oh, have you got to go back to Finland again?
- No, Finland are coming here. - Oh. That's easier for you.
Mm.
Are you still okay to pick up the invitations?
Oh, yes, of course.
And did you find that ribbon thing for the flowers?
- Yes. - Great.
And is Martin's nose on the mend?
Yes.
And how's the, uh, bassoon solo coming on?
Oh, yes, he's practicing.
Oh, God, and now I just have to...
What?
Sorry, Claire, could you look up, please?
Thank you.
Organize canapés for an awards ceremony.
Oh, gosh, you must be exhausted.
Does the little cafe do canapés?
It totally could, yeah.
Well, there you are. That's one off the list.
Great.
Gosh, haven't you got a lovely, thick neck.
- That was fun. - Thank you.
Yeah, I really can help with the canapés if it's...
I'm gonna say this quickly. Okay?
Okay.
Martin wants to press charges against you for assault.
I've tried to talk him down, but to be fair,
- you did hit him fucking hard. - What?!
I will provide you with exceptional legal advice
as long as you don't tell anyone I'm providing you
- with exceptional legal advice. - What?
This is happening.
I am mortified, but it is happening, okay?
I will hire this lawyer to scare him off,
and I will hire you to do the canapés.
Who's the lawyer?
Oh, he's a friend. He mainly defends rapists.
He has a high success rate, then?
Oh, undefeated. Come on.
I've filled him in with the basics.
That your husband's an animal?
Be serious. Just do whatever he says.
And don't flirt with him.
I'm not going to f...
Fucking hell. Okay.
- Claire. - David, thank you so much.
- Oh. Sorry. - Wow.
I can take you to court for that.
This the little troublemaker, then?
- Hi. - Hi.
Now, listen, I just want to be clear that whatever happens,
I don't sleep with people I work with, okay?
Ah!
I'm joking.
Slip on in, ladies.
Well, if you spit guilty,
you'll have to swallow a short jail term,
or community service if you're lucky.
- Or? - You definitely started it?
- Yes. - Any witnesses?
About... 30.
The most important thing, honey, is that you do not,
under any circumstances, apologize.
- I can do that. - No,
that's not what we discussed.
Or that can be taken as an admission of guilt.
I assume you know the victim personally.
- Yes, she... - No. And...
let's not call him "the victim" yet, shall we?
- Well, that's what he is. - Yes. Right.
- They've definitely fucked. - We just want a letter
to scare him off if he ends up seeking proper action.
Really doesn't make sense, Claire.
- Actually, maybe not. - I think it makes perfect sense.
I just want to be ahead of the game.
God, I can't tell.
That's a habit of yours, I've heard.
- Oh, I've got it. They haven't. - Is it?
You're gonna have to tell me who said that.
- Never. - But they're going to.
David.
Oh, God, I've got to get out.
- Claire. - Excuse me.
Where you off to, little lady?
I'm just gonna let this, uh... yeah.
You all right?
Yeah. Just thought I'd leave you to it.
- Sorry. - What?
He says he'll only talk you through potential proceedings
- if you go for a drink with him. - What?
- I know. - Outrageous.
- Stop smiling. - I thought he was after you.
Oh, so did I, but my hair isn't great at the moment.
Either way, it's very inappropriate.
- Don't sleep him. - I won't.
- Don't. - I won't!
- I don't do that anymore. - What?
- Why? Are you ill? - No.
- Then what? - Well, I... I... I just...
Oh, my God. Have you met someone?
- Well... well, not really. - Back with Harry?
- No, it's actually... well... - Someone new?
- Is he single? - Sort of.
Take this.
I'll try to talk Martin down,
but call him if you need him. He's a very good lawyer.
Surprisingly...
tender underneath it all.
Knew it.
What you did in the restaurant was unforgivable.
I know.
Thank you.
Okay. Well, I'll, um...
Listen, I actually just wanted to give you this.
It's just one session, but you've been through a lot,
- so I just... - Come on. I said I'm fine.
I'm weirdly fine.
I'd rather have the money.
Excuse me. I've got dry forearms.
Sure.
So why have you come to this session?
Uh, it was a birthday present from my father.
Is that a joke?
No.
It would be good not to make jokes in here,
just in case anything gets
lost in humorous translation.
Oh, I don't know if I can do that.
Is that a joke?
No.
Well, just try not to, or make it very obvious.
Sure.
So why do you think your father suggested
you come for counseling?
Um, I think because my mother died
and he can't talk about it,
and my sister and I didn't speak for a year
because she thinks I tried to sleep with her husband,
and because I spent most of my adult life
using sex to deflect from
the screaming void inside my empty heart.
I'm good at this.
Although I don't really do that anymore.
You close with your family?
We get on with it.
- Do you talk? - God, no.
Any friends?
Sorry?
Any friends?
Um...
no, I don't really have time for...
Well, I have a guinea pig, but she blows hot and cold.
Not a joke.
Tell me about the sex.
All of it?
You said you don't do that now.
Oh, no, I just play tennis now.
Tough crowd.
Sorry.
I just...
Sex didn't bring anything...
good, so I'm...
I'm trying not to...
But I've...
And what have you found in your abstinence?
Well, I'm very horny, and your little scarf isn't helping.
So the impulse is still there.
Oh.
Yeah, the...
The impulse is...
The impulse is v-very much still there.
It's just never the right person.
Mm-hmm. So there is a particular person
you're not having sex with.
No.
No, well, nothing's happened. I just...
He's not available.
- In a relationship? - Yes. A bad one.
Oh, really? How so?
It's the sort of relationship
where one partner tells the other how to dress.
Are you in love with him?
No.
Why do you find that funny?
Well, I...
I lied. I just...
I don't kn-know.
Just not a romantic?
No.
Just...
a girl with no friends and an empty heart?
By your own description.
I have friends.
Oh. So you do have someone to talk to.
Yeah.
Do you see them a lot?
Oh, they're...
They're always there. They're...
They're always there.
Why do you find that funny?
Listen, I don't need to be analyzed.
I have a nice life. I just...
I just wanted to exchange the voucher for the money.
It's a bit late for that now.
I've only been here five minutes.
I want the money.
I want to fuck a priest.
- Catholic? - Yes.
- A good one? - Yes.
- Looks good in the, um... - Mm, yes.
I understand.
Do you really want to fuck the priest
or do you want to fuck God?
Can you fuck God?
Oh, yes.
Look, just-just please tell me how to not fuck a priest
before I get arrested.
Well, I don't think fucking a priest will make you
feel as powerful as you think it will.
Can you just tell me what to do?
You know.
You already know what you're going to do.
Everybody does.
What?
You've already decided what you're going to do.
So what's the point in you?
You know what you're going to do.
No, I don't. - Yes, you do.
- I don't. - You do.
- I don't. I don't! - You do.
- Good luck. - Thank you.
Shut up.
Can I have two raffle tickets, please?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Hi.
Hi! You're...
- Yeah. Yes. - With child. Cool.
- Yeah, you got a fringe. - Yeah.
- Yeah. Cool. - Aw. You always wanted a baby.
You always wanted a fringe.
She is amazing.
I mean, it's been tough but amazing.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
I mean, the birth really took its toll.
Oh, really? Was it a tricky one?
I can't really remember it now.
But the whole thing has just... really changed me.
I just don't feel... You know, my emotions
are up and down. My body just feels different.
I mean, Elaine is being amazing.
So supportive...
Sounds like you have postnatal depression.
I do. Yeah, but we're working through it.
Sure.
Just to let you know, the band is gonna start
- in a couple of minutes. - Hey, Father.
This is Suzie.
Oh, I don't know how to talk to babies.
Sorry. Do you guys know each other?
- Well, we sort of used to... - Uh, yeah, I used
- to be her girlfriend. - Used to kind of...
Oh, cool.
Good for you.
Well, I'm gonna go and show her the coconuts.
- She's really good at counting. - Okay.
Excuse me, everyone!
The youthy band is about to play the ode to something!
You having fun?
- Yes. Yeah. - Selling well?
- Yes, I think so. - Good? Oh, a puzzle!
- Love a puzzle. - Father, the-the youthy band
- are about to... - Yes, I-I heard you, Pam.
Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you.
Oh, there's the main event.
- Yeah. - Very talented.
She, um, sh-she...
Don't say it... She-she actually, uh...
Just-just don't say it...
She actually orgasmed when she finished it.
Just said it. Apparently.
Ah.
Well, whatever gets you there.
Father!
Father, we have a cupcake situation over here!
Okay, Pam! I will be there to cupcake!
Thank you so much for helping.
Thanks.
Arm touch.
At least my son is in the youthy band.
What's your excuse?
I'm helping the priest.
Wow, you do love a challenge, don't you?
Hey, I just want to say something.
It's from River Island. I got it last week.
No, I want to say that I'm sorry
for saying what I said.
I'm sorry for what you went through.
I'm sorry.
I know what you're doing. I'm not gonna say it.
I'm just saying sorry.
I'm not gonna say it.
I'm sorry.
Mm-mm.
Okay.
And thank you.
She and I have never been better.
- Oh. - You had a big part in that.
I'm happy for you.
I'm happy you've found a way to deflect from your
pitiful, self-sabotaging, ego-driven, masturbatory...
I cannot believe how well this is coming out... pawing,
insidious... insidious... Overwhelming mediocrity,
only to finally figure out that, at your very core,
you are a... w-weaky.
Damn!
- A weaky? - Damn. Damn.
Wow. A weaky.
In that case, I just wanted you to know
that I'm impressed with how you just keep bouncing back.
I really am.
You're a... strongy.
That was awesome, man!
Creepy Jake. Mainly says things like...
Where's Claire?
- And... - Where's Claire?
Well, she couldn't make it, man.
Lucky for us, your aunt is an avid churchgoer.
Hi. Thanks for watching.
Oh, you were excellent.
- Oh. - Ooh.
Careful there, buddy.
You could go down for that sort of behavior these days.
- It was just a hug. - "It was just a hug."
You got to do better than that these days, boy,
especially around this firecracker.
- But I didn't do... - Come on.
I don't want to be an asshole.
I just want her to be happy.
And she has been really happy.
Until she saw you.
Just saying.
Ow.
Psst.
Hi, Jake. Oh.
Tell her to leave him.
What?
Tell her...
to leave him.
He's gonna kill someone one day.
Hey.
Yes, Father. Yes, Father?
I can't believe I'm saying this, but...
- Oh, God. - Can I get that coconut back?
They're actually on hire.
Uh, I'm not sure if a lot of them
are even real actually, which is morally a bit dubious.
But we got to make money somehow. Sorry. Thank you.
Oh.
- Thanks. - Knuckle brush.
Uh, also, I hope you don't mind, but, um...
I've marked a few pages in here
- that I thought might be... - Oh, I...
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not trying to...
They're just words.
Okay, it's just I-I think I know what happens.
Classic.
Oh, have a read.
I'd like to know what you think.
And if you ever want to...
uh, talk about stuff, I'm here.
With a G&T, of course.
You can come whenever you want.
I'd like you to come.
If it helps.