.
- First order of business--
another foot was found in the parking lot.
- Wow. It's so weird seeing you as the manager.
It's like that one time my math teacher
became my stepdad for a little bit.
Like, what?
- It's a big change. Must be weird.
Anyway, this foot had the number eight written on it,
which is concerning because we've only found
two other feet, so keep your eyes open.
- Sorry. Sorry I'm late.
The baby was throwing up all night,
but the doctor said it's probably 'cause I just gave her
part of my buffalo chicken wrap, you know?
Okay, uh, let's get down to business.
- Uh, Glenn? - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah. You're not manager anymore.
- Oh. Oh, my gosh! I'm so sorry.
After 30 years, it's just--it's muscle memory.
- Of course. Yeah.
- Okay, I'm gonna go take my seat and--
Oh, you can read my announcements.
- Oh, no, I wrote up my own announcements--I'm good.
- There's some real goodies in here.
They're gonna eat it up. Trust me.
Go ahead. Read.
- "So I bet you're wondering why there are so many cops
in the parking lot.
Let's just say there's a mystery afoot."
[all groan]
[upbeat music]
♪
- Hey boss. - Hey.
Little office-warming gift. Got it in the Garden Center.
I'm not sure what it is.
The tag just said, "Medium Plant."
- It's a large plant that didn't grow.
- How cool is this?
- It's very cool.
- That's it? You have your own office now.
You've made it. How are you not ecstatic?
- I'm happy. What do you want me to do?
- I don't know.
Spin around in your chair, feel the power.
- Is this good for you?
Feels pretty powerful to me.
- I feel like you're mocking me.
- No. I would never.
- If someone held a gun to your head and asked you,
"Who would be the best person
to replace Amy as floor supervisor,"
who would you say?
- Probably the guy with the gun.
- Okay. No, he doesn't want the job.
- Oh, well, then what's up with the gun?
- Forget the gun. Who would you pick?
- Okay, if I had to pick someone here,
it would probably be...
Actually, you would be good for it.
- I know. That's what everyone is saying.
But I don't think Amy sees me as a leader.
In her eyes, I'd always be the wide-eyed ingenue--
new to the city, naive but hopeful,
someone who can eat whatever he wants
and never put on any weight.
- Maybe you just need to step up
and start acting like a leader.
Fake it 'till you make it.
- What does that even mean?
Like, I should just start telling people what to do?
- It worked for Bo.
One day he walked into a drugstore
wearing a white coat, and now he's a pharmacist tech.
- Really?
- We don't have to buy street drugs anymore.
- But why would Paul Walker's ghost single you out?
- I'm just saying-- sometimes the car speeds up
even when I'm not pressing on the gas.
- Good morning, fellow floor workers?
Floor worker Glenn Sturgis, at your service.
- What's with the shirt?
- Oh, this is a little bit of history--
the original Cloud 9 uniform.
One size fits all, and it still fits.
- Oh, well, looks like you're ready for work.
You got your shirt, you got your giant orthopedic shoes.
- And customized insoles from The Walking Company.
And also, Jerusha and I are splitting a pair of clogs,
'cause we're the same size-- women's 15.
- Yeah. Your wife has beautiful feet.
- Thank you. Anyway, so where do we begin?
- Someone diarrhea'd in the toy aisle.
- Oh, dibs! If--if you don't mind.
- That's all you, dude. - You got it.
- Enjoy. - Okay.
Off to mop the slop.
- Ah, man, he made it sound fun.
- No, he didn't. - Yeah, he did.
- Your dad is getting good. - Right?
He's in this whole Brat Pack phase.
16-year-old Amy is very excited.
- Oh, were you in the middle of sex?
- I wasn't. Were you?
- No. - Weird.
It really smells like sex in here.
[sniffs] Probably smelling myself.
Anyway, I wanted to talk about our security system.
- Uh, what's wrong with it? - It's crap.
Glenn never let me upgrade it because of the cost,
which is why I am so excited that you're in charge.
- Uh, well, what does it cost?
- Honestly, not that much. It's just, like, a--
just a tiny bit north of $600,000.
$800,000, to be precise.
- Oh, yeah, well, that sounds like a bargain.
Um, Jonah, what do you think?
- Um, we--
Well, um, technology is always changing,
so I'd probably wait a minute
before investing in something new.
- Hmm. That-- that's a really good point.
Maybe we should revisit this.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Thank you, Jonah, for your input.
So glad you were here to chime in with your...
valuable perspective.
- I feel like she didn't mean that.
[Muzak playing]
- [exhales deeply]
Now, that is a nice-looking display.
- Thanks. I sorted them
by order of smells I encountered growing up.
- Well, um, since you're done here,
why don't you go, um,
straighten out the linen section?
- Oh, um...
did someone say I should?
I mean...
who...
- Who... [clears throat]
What?
♪
- Nothing. - Hmm.
♪
[scoffs]
[exhales sharply]
- How is Fig Newton the first thing you ever smelled?
- And I just want to confirm,
are you gonna want an assistant?
- Uh, oh, do I get an assistant?
Glenn never had one.
- Yeah, he always thought
it would come out of his salary, but it doesn't.
- Speaking of, um, I--
I don't even really know what my salary is.
Would you--would you happen to have it?
- Oh, it's, um, $109,000.
- [stammering]
- Hello? Are you still there?
- Uh, yes. Uh... [stammers]
Yeah. Uh, uh-huh. Sorry, sorry. Um...
Did you, uh--
You said $100,000?
- And $9,000, plus a yearly bonus,
usually around $10,000.
- $10,000? Oh, excuse me.
Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry, sorry.
Hello? Hello? Hi, hi, hi.
You still there? - Yeah.
- Um, okay, so--
so when you say $10,000, you mean, like,
on top of the previously mentioned $9,000,
or is it, like, a part of the $9,000
so it's really just, like, $1,000?
- I don't know what that means,
but it's a total of $119,000.
- And those are real,
firm, rock-hard numbers?
That's--I'm sorry if that sounded over-sexual.
I'm just looking for confirmation.
- Uh-huh. So I'll just fax over the contract,
and you can sign it at your convenience.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's convenient right now.
Uh, I could--I could do that right now. Uh-huh.
- Do you want to hear about your perks?
- Holy [bleep]!
Yes, I would like to, um, hear about those, please.
.
[upbeat funk music]
♪
- Good morning, Sarah.
Looking great!
Good hustle, Brett!
♪
Hey, Sayid, you can go on a break.
- I already had my break. - Well, then it's
a double-break day for you, my friend.
- You're in a good mood.
- ♪ Somebody got laid
- No, actually, I, um...
I'm just very happy.
I like my new job.
Oh, also, hey, everyone?
There are doughnuts in the break room.
- [gasps]
- Ooh, who forgot their doughnuts?
- No, I bought them. - Okay.
Nobody eat the doughnuts. They're Amy's.
- No, that's not--I--
Doesn't matter. Good job, everyone.
- She's so weird about her doughnuts.
- Hey, so I'm restocking this cereal,
and there's something moving inside.
It's definitely alive, because I can hear it scratching.
- I don't care about a cereal roach.
What I care about is you keeping your big nose--
that's not a slur, just an expression--
out of my business. - What are you talking about?
- The way you [bleep] me out of that security system.
Let's keep something straight. You're the boyfriend.
I'm the assistant manager.
You get this, and you get this,
maybe this--that's between you guys, I don't want to know.
- Dina-- - I said I don't want to know.
But this--
everything north of the fun park--this is my domain.
- So, basically, you're asking me
to keep my opinions to myself
and limit my relationship with Amy
to wordless, mindless sex. - Exactly.
Huh. I thought this was going to be a harder conversation.
- I'm not saying no, but if I did,
just out of curiosity, what would happen?
- Help me out, man. Don't make me make her dump you.
Don't make me do that.
- I think I'm gonna make you do it.
- [sighs] Fine.
You had your chance.
And, again, the nose thing wasn't--
You get it. I love everyone.
[Muzak playing]
- Marcus, I'm gonna need you to fill in for Brett
'cause he raged out on someone's baby again.
Sayid, clean the pharmacy counter.
The kids have been inhaling the pill dust.
- Why are you telling us what to do?
You're not floor supervisor.
- Yeah, you're right.
I just went to Office Supplies,
picked up a clipboard, filled it with blank paper,
and started giving people orders,
without any authority whatsoever.
[laughing] I mean, come on.
- Come on, get with the program, Sayid.
- Look, Jonah's a bimbo. You're management now.
you don't see Dale Federman from the Clayton store
walking around with some floozy on his arm.
Okay? Keep him at the kids' table.
- Yeah, no, those--you make some really great points.
I'll keep them in mind. - Well, just think about it.
And if you need to have some rebound sex,
I'm happy to call my guy.
He's great. Croatian.
- Myrtle, hey.
How are you? - Oh, okay.
- You eating some ketchup there?
- They give me these packets for free.
If you leave it in your mouth, it gets warm
and tastes just like... tomato soup.
[chuckles]
- Um... uh...
you know, if you're still in between jobs,
they just promoted me to manager.
- Of the Cardinals?
- No, of the store.
- [gasps] - And--and they told me
that I could hire an assistant,
but I don't really need and assistant, so...
Why don't I just hire you?
- Oh, really?
I'll be the best assistant you've ever had.
- No, no, no, you don't-- you don't have to come in.
[whispering] You can just take the money.
- I used to work for Mr. Nelson
of Pan-American Airlines.
I'll be here bright and early every morning
with your racing forms and pipe tobacco.
- Great. Yeah, well, welcome aboard.
- ♪ Grab a couple cans, stack 'em like blocks ♪
♪ Grab another can, start a new row ♪
♪ Having so much fun, watch me as I go ♪
- Sorry.
- That sucks.
Welcome to that floor-worker life.
- I wanted to rebuild it anyway,
'cause I think if I make
the base wider, I can go even higher.
- Glenn, you know, it's okay to complain.
I do it all the time.
- Well, I know you do. - What's that supposed to mean?
- There's no such thing as a bad job.
If you have a good attitude, every job is fun.
- It's not my attitude. This is a terrible job.
- Well, okay. Whatever you say.
♪ Stacking up the canned foods ♪
Come on, now. Let's see it. Wave those hands.
♪ Stacking up the canned foods ♪
Come on! You know you want to.
- Oh, hey, Myrtle. What are you doing here?
- I just finished eating
all the jelly beans she asked me to.
[chuckles] - Myrtle is my new assistant.
- Oh. - Yes.
What should I do next?
- Um, why don't you take
the sales announcements to Garrett?
- Oh, Garrett. Is he the...
What do they like to be called these days?
- No, no, no, no. Let's not get into that.
Just take it over to customer service.
- Aye, aye, Captain.
- You get an assistant... and it's Myrtle?
- Well, I just wanted to help the lady out.
Besides, I am in a good mood.
- Ooh-hoo-hoo. What's going on?
- I just found out my salary.
- [gasps] It's good?
- I shouldn't say. - You are dying to tell me.
- Yes, of course I'm dying to tell you.
Okay, I'm not gonna tell you my salary,
but will you please hand me the contract
that's sitting on my desk while I check out something
on my wall and I trust you not to look?
- [chuckles]
"Attention Cloud 9 customers,
do you have a pet fish you love?"
- No, that's--this is the sale announcements.
- The sale announcements that Myrtle
just took to Garrett?
- Get her! Myrtle!
- "Section 5, paragraph K-- salary.
"Employee shall be paid
at the rate of $109,000 annually."
Not sure why Amy wants you all to know she makes 109K,
but, uh, good for her.
"Section 6-- nondisclosure agreement."
I fear that ship has sailed.
.
- I'm very sorry.
Obviously, I didn't intend
to tell everyone how much I was making.
And, honestly, I'm quite surprised
that anyone receiving that information
from a clearly confused and elderly woman
would make that announcement.
- I'm a good soldier. I do what I'm told.
- Well, I just want to say, it's awesome to see
another floor supervisor doing so well.
I think I speak for all floor supervisors when I say
you are an inspiration.
- Oh, okay. Thank you.
- It's probably tough on Jonah, though.
- Can't imagine where this is going.
- I'm just saying-- making so much less money
than your girlfriend, it's got to be emasculating.
Probably makes it tough to get an erection.
- My erections are fine, thank you.
- Fine? [chuckles] Lucky lady.
- I'm actually shocked you're not making more.
I mean, I thought a manager
would at least make more than we do.
- She does. - Uh, I don't think so.
- How much do you make? - Same thing we all make--
$134,000 a year.
[all clamoring]
- How do you make that much a year?
- 52 weeks times 30 hours a week times minimum wage--
86 bucks an hour.
- No, no, no, no. Minimum wage is $8.60 an hour.
- [gasp] I must have missed a decimal point.
- So no part of you thought to question
why you were making $86 an hour to work retail?
- I thought that's what we all made.
- [sighs] - How do you guys live
on under $134,000 a year?
- I cut the budget. I let people go.
- You're gonna have to pay that back.
- Oh, now you're taking his money?
The rich get richer.
- No, it goes back to corporate, not to me.
- And who pays you? Corporate.
Funny how that works. Follow the money, people.
- I can't pay that money back.
I'm living hand to mouth as it is.
- I always say, "Mo' money, mo' problems."
- That's what you say? You say that?
- ♪ I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell ♪
♪ I know right now you can't tell ♪
♪ But stay awhile and maybe-- ♪
[Muzak playing]
- Oop! Does anyone need any extra mayonnaise?
'Cause it's on me.
- [laughs] Good one.
- It's nice that you can find the humor in all this.
- Well, full disclosure--
I stole that from "Hi and Lois."
- Hey, you know, if I was in your shoes,
I'd just be thinking about that $90,000 a year
that I walked away from.
You know, over the next 20 years, that's $1.8 million?
So I don't think anybody would blame you
if you were a little upset.
- No, I'm fine.
Hey, but do you feel like a BLT?
I do, 'cause I'm covered in mayonnaise!
- [laughs] BLT!
Oh, my God. I am literally dead.
- No, Justine, it's not funny!
He's a miserable man, and it's a terrible job.
Clean that up, dork.
- Uh-oh.
Clean up on aisle have-what-she's-having.
- [laughing] Stop!
I'm gonna pee my pants.
- Well, if you do, I'll clean that up, too.
- Stop! Oh, it's happening!
- Oh, God! Yeah, yeah.
- [laughing] Not again.
- Floor Supervisor Mateo Liwanag
to Customer Service, please.
Floor Supervisor Mateo Liwanag
to customer service.
[panting] Oh.
That's me. Got to take it. [laughs]
Whoo!
- You know who you should date
is that hot guy that you came in with last week.
- Oh, maybe.
Two problems-- he's gay, and he's my brother.
- Mm, I don't know. You guys had good chemistry.
Oh, what happened here? - I think it's slushie vomit.
And there's a whole sandwich in the middle,
but I'm pretty sure someone just dropped it in after.
- Yeah, probably.
People don't usually eat those whole.
- [grunting]
- Are you okay? - Oh.
My knees are just acting up.
I'm trying not to go to the doctor
'cause I'm saving up for a bike.
The bus driver keeps trying to drive me to his house.
- Well, why don't you go take a break?
I'll clean this up. I can do this.
- What are you doing? You're the manager--
not some vomit girl like Sandra.
- It's fine.
Some of it is mine, actually, you know, 'cause of the smell.
- Look, guys, it's not like
I'm above cleaning up vomit now.
I'm still, "Amy from the block, girl."
- Thank you. - Amy, corporate just sent you
a welcome basket with champagne.
Where should I put it? - Just anywhere.
Anywhere is fine.
- Okay, I'll put it in your Lexus.
- Whoa. You have a Lexus?
- No, of course not.
- There's also a man outside waiting for you
with your company car.
It's a Lexus.
- Oh, uh, well...
I guess I should probably go sign for it, then.
Um, sorry.
Next time. Can I just--
Sorry. Thank you. - Ow. Ow.
[tense music]
- Yeah, you're gonna need to get all of that.
.
- I don't know how I'm gonna pay back corporate. I'm broke.
- How? You live with your mother.
Your car doesn't have any doors.
And you've been making $134,000 every year
for the last six years.
Where does all the money go? - I don't know.
I get the guacamole from Chipotle every time.
- Excuse me, do you sell any books by David Foster Wallace?
- Uh, no, sorry.
I keep suggesting it,
but the employees all just make "Infinite Jest" of me.
[laughter]
- You're so funny.
Do you want to go outside and do it in your car?
- Uh...
- This young lady says
she was paid to seduce me, record it on tape,
and then give that tape to the store manager.
- I requested a nerdy girl-next-door type.
You're just a bad girl they stuck a pair of glasses on.
- Look, I'm sorry you're not getting your security system,
but Amy and I are not gonna break up.
I can't believe you hired a prostitute.
Sorry, sex worker. You have agency.
- So should I go?
- I paid for two hours. You may as well help Justine
re-price towels to match the new EDLPs.
Follow me.
Come on.
- Oh, hey, Amy, this lady wants to use
her EBT card to pay for diapers.
- Yeah, we can't do that. They won't let us.
- Do you know how expensive diapers are?
- Yeah, I do, actually. I also have a baby.
- Well, you also make $109,000 a year,
so you're not exactly in the same boat.
- Well, I wasn't saying that I was in the same boat.
I was just saying that I understand the cost of diapers.
I mean, obviously, I can-- I can pay for diapers.
- Really? Thank you.
That's generous of you. - Oh, no, no. No.
Sorry, I wasn't saying
that I could pay for your diapers.
- Oh. - I mean, I would.
It's just that if I went around buying everyone's diapers
who's on food stamps, I'd be broke in, like, a day.
- Sure, it's fine. I'll buy them myself.
God bless America. - I know, right?
- I'm sorry. I just--I don't-- I don't understand
why it's my responsibility to buy your diapers.
You know what? Fine. Okay, cool.
Yeah, I can-- I can buy these diapers.
Run the card.
But I'm--I'm not paying for the candy.
- Oh! So, because you're rich, you know what's best for me,
and I'm just too fat for candy?
- No, that is not what I said.
I will pay for the candy, obviously.
- Garrett, I just found the funniest thing
while I was cleaning.
It was a rat inside a used condom.
I was like, "How did you get in there, little fella?"
- This is a bad job, okay?
This is a soul-crushing, miserable place to work.
I know that. I know that in my heart.
Nothing you say will ever, ever take that away from me.
[Muzak playing]
- Okay.
See you later.
♪
- Hi! Welcome to Cloud 9.
- Oh, why, thank you!
- Do you like cool savings?
- Yes, I do.
- Why not check out our frozen treats in Grocery?
- Oh, I will. Thank you so much.
Frozen treats.
♪
- Hey, Mateo, after I do go-backs, I'm gonna take 15?
- Thanks, Joelle.
♪
Hmm. [clears throat]
♪
- Everything okay?
- [sighs] Rough day.
- Yeah, I heard.
If it makes you feel any better,
I turned down sex with a hooker for you.
- Oh! That does make me feel better.
I can't wait for this day to be over.
I need a drink.
- So let's go get a drink!
- It's the middle of the day.
- Oh, yeah. That's right.
You don't want to get in trouble with your boss.
Oh, wait.
- I'm the boss.
- Yeah, that's where I was going with that.
- Let's go get a drink. - All right.
But you're paying.
You won't stop bragging about how much money you make.
- $109,000. - All right, all right.
- Plus perks. - What?