I'm looking for Caleb.
Name's Hooten.
HE SIGHS
Great poker face.
Boss, Hooten.
Have you got something for me?
Do I look like a vending machine? I hope not.
You see, me and vending machines, we don't really get along that well.
They steal my money,
then I need to kick the crap out of them to get what I want.
Leon told me you were a badass. Address.
I'm working on it. I can see that.
What's this guy to you anyway? Does it matter?
He's got something I need. I'll send someone to find you.
Hi. What can I get you?
A large scotch and a cold beer chaser.Yeah.
It's always this hot, huh?Mostly.
Do you have any mayonnaise?
Specially made, though, I can't abide the ready-made variety.
So, a tad of balsamic and mayonnaise on the side. Thank you.
Oh, hello.What in the name of everything holy you doing here?
# Ooh, la, ooh
# Ooh, la, ooh, la, ooh
# I set up camp in the centre of town
# Ready for freedom when it all comes down
# Snapping my fingers, walking around
# I'm the dusty jewel in the thrown-out crown
# Got a bus pass to make my way
# From hideout to hideout in the heat of the day
# I got a talisman tote with the whole array
# And when you catch my coat-tails I'll be miles away... #
A world we do know that was here?
You used the Museum credit card to book your flight.
You might have got away with it if you'd booked economy.
At first, I thought you did it on purpose to try and get me here,
but then I remembered you're just stupid.I'm stupid?
You guys are the ones that paid for my flight.
Then I researched it to see what
could have possibly brought you here.
A man called Cassius Levine,
he found a map on an old wreck whilst diving with his son
then contacted a local dealer in Cuba to get
a valuation on the map which seems to show the whereabouts
of a cask buried on this island
by none other than Captain Henry Morgan.
The dealer tried to rob Mr Levine and in the struggle
that followed, the map was torn in half. Ring any bells?No, not one.
So your being here is just coincidence?
I find that very hard to believe. You just can't accept the fact
that I'm doing something that isn't about you.
I have my own life and I get to enjoy...Mr Hooten?
Yeah?Caleb says he found Mr Levine for you.
Thank you, that's very helpful.
Excellent timing, too.
I was worried about you.Why? You know why. Cambodia. Kane.
What he did to your family. He's dead.
That doesn't change what he did. No, but I live with it.
How do you live with it?Mostly by not talking about it.Sorry.
You don't need to be sorry, Alex,
you don't need to worry about me, but mostly you don't even
think that you could try and help or make it go away. You can't.
Of course not.
So now that you know that I'm not drowning at the bottom
of a bottle, aren't you supposed to be getting married?Two days.
Well, shouldn't you be there,
applying spot cream or waxing your top lip? Ooh!
Yeah, except...
Except what?
You've got it, haven't you? Got what?
The dealers half of the map,
the part that tore off when he was trying to steal it from Mr Levine.
Maybe.
I knew it! You do know what's in that cask?
Mid-1600s, Captain Henry Morgan captured the city
of Portobello and held it to ransom.
At which when the Governor of Panama sent
a written request asking him not to attack Panama
and included an emerald ring as a sign of good faith.
Morgan replied by sending the Governor a pistol
and a letter saying, "I'll collect it from you when I get to Panama."
Months later, once Morgan had taken Panama, John Ansell,
his quartermaster on the run from a Spanish man-of-war, took the
emerald ring and the pistol, placed it into an old rum cask
and buried it to prevent it from being found if his ship was taken.
It's not like you to do your homework.
I loved pirate stories as a kid.
You know, strictly speaking,
Captain Morgan was a privateer, not a pirate.
Just like you Brits to suck the joy out of everything.This, this...
This is a very, very important part of our naval history.
The Museum want this very badly. No can do.
The Emerald alone's got to be worth north of $one million.
You take the pistol and Morgan Providence, I can get five times that.
Hooten, you cannot sell them. I already have a buyer.
Without talking to me first? Hey, this was a solo trip.
You're supposed to be marrying Farquaad.Edward.Whatever.
You can't do this on your own. Why not?
Because it's not like the films.
This is not "yo, ho, ho and 20 paces across the beach"
and then you start digging where the cross it.
This is... This is complicated.
There are going to be puzzles and clues to solve
and I'm better at this than you are. Since when?Since always.
Are you kidding me?
You can't outsmart me. A chicken could outsmart you.OK.
Let the best man win. Woman.
And chickens are very smart, by the way. All that pecking!
I'd like to see you lay an egg! What?
PHONE RINGS
Call me back!
I don't know why you put it up with it, dear boy, I really don't.
I'm not her keeper. Well, you bloody well should be.
And that means what exactly? It means grow a pair!
No, no, no! They're too close together.
Look, she's had her fun bouncing around the world with all these
ridiculous travels, now it's time that she settles down...
She's her own woman.
It's the 21st-century, men don't control their wives any more.
Well, maybe in this case, they should.
The way Lord Anthony controls you? That's different.
Look, I want you to telephone Alexandra and tell her
to come home immediately.
Start as you mean to go on, Edward. Put your foot down.
Trust me, you'll thank me for it later.
CLATTERING
Do I have to do everything here?
MUTTERING: Damn sanctimonious, condescending, know-it-all,
patronising British. Always right, looking down
on the rest of the world.
"Chicken could outsmart me!" It could outsmart her.
A clam could outsmart her.
You did what? I gave it to your partner.
She's not my partner.
She seemed to know a lot about you. She knows nothing about me.
I want my money back.
You paid me to find Cassius Levine, I found him.
Yeah, and you gave the address to the Wicked Witch of the West.
Maybe if you told me why you wanted him so badly...
I didn't tell you because it's none of your damn business.
How long ago was she here?
Ten minutes. Great.
Nice, huh?
HE CHUCKLES
Where am I going?
No, no, no, no, no. You can't do this.I'm afraid I already have.
I give you double what she has. I haven't given him anything.
Triple.You're too late. Mr Levine has kindly agreed to loan the museum
his half of the map in return for a modest finders fee.
This gives me the start point.
How much?
More than her.
I'll be able to work out the rest from there.
Who the hell is this? My guide.Your guide?!
Coconut Island Tours. Lay back and let us take the strain.
This won't do you any good, I have the other half of the map.
Oh, the smaller half, you mean? Size isn't an issue here.
My half gives me everything I need, thank you.
Have fun with your friends, Hooten.
Maybe you could play scrabble together.
You don't recognise this coastline? It's only half a map.
It could be any one of a dozen places.
I have no idea of knowing where this starts. I need to get up high.
You got a helicopter? A small plane?
HE SIGHS
I got Raheem. What's a Raheem?
# A million dollar red light dust bike
# Yeah!
# So beautiful it makes me want to cry.
# I, I, I
# I can't stop myself from thinking of her
# But it's not quite that... #
THEY LAUGH
We are looking for something. Caleb?
It's all right. That's me. Then I believe you can help us.
Nobody steals from me.
# 1971 inna England, fresh off the plane to my dame inna Brixton
# No, she never ask 'bout flight Two month now no telegram write
# Hey, she send taxi for I She gone to some house party tonight
# So call me artical like Make a few call get a couple invite
# Inna the place me gone Never the yard from the day me born
# Right up front who me staring upon
# You can tell say are she by the way she's walking
# Christine, Christina, Crystal
# Try all a dem and she still never respond
# Understand, catch your pray from a distance
# Man hand gone inna pants for a six-pence
# Whoa! Tough guys beside her... #
If I've got the first clue right, the next point on the map is a mile or so north of here.
On foot from here, I think.
There's a cross here, I think we should head for that.
X marks the spot.
Excellent.I very much doubt it'll be that easy.
PHONE RINGS
Hi.
North?That way. Oh, wait!
I bought supplies.
Wait! There's their Jeep! I see them! Raheem!
Raheem!
I think I saw which way they went.
Can you wait here? I have bookings.
Lots of bookings.
I've never been so busy.
All right.
I need you to be honest with me.
This urgent trip that Alex has gone on,
how urgent is it really?
On a scale of one to ten?
Oh, it's a nine. Eight.
Well, definitely a seven. I mean, a high six.
Look, she wants this wedding as much as you do.
She just can't deal with all the nonsense surrounding it.
So she runs away?No, she avoids confrontation.With me?
God, no. You are the only thing about the wedding she cares about.
She loves you.
But, you know, her mother has taken over completely and your lot
aren't much better and, you know, she just feels
dislocated by it all.
And, you know, rightly or wrongly, she believes the best
chance of getting through this, you know, is just to avoid the circus.
You know, turn up the night before and just
kind of get through the day... It's her wedding day.
I don't want her just to get through it.
Well...
Don't shoot the messenger.
Are you sure we're still heading north?More or less.
The local ramblers use this track.
It's a little convoluted but, believe me,
you wouldn't want to veer off it.
SHE PANTS
Thank you.Would you like some juice?Yes, please.
Mango, pineapple or a combination?
HE CRIES OUT
Mango would be lovely. I'm not used to it being this organised.
Oh?No. Heaven knows what it'll be like for my usual chap.
Whyever do you use him if he's so disorganised?
He sort of gets there in the end, I suppose.Oh. That wouldn't do.
If you fail to prepare, you prepare to fail. That's my motto.
You have a motto?Everyone should have a motto. That's my other motto.
Thank you.
The church? That's what the cross must mean.
It doesn't help that I have no idea what I'm looking for.
100 paces from me. From the church?
I suppose, it just says turn your back
on me and take 100 paces to the rock.
In which direction? It doesn't say.
It makes no sense.
St Bartholomew's Chapel,
you're certainly from the right period although it hasn't
been used for the past couple of hundred years as far as I can see.
Yes, the directions from there must be on the other section of the map.
Which I haven't got.
Is this a good time to remind you that this trip was only
approved by the board because you and I quote "guaranteed to
"return with Captain Morgan's cask from the sacking of Panama?"
No, it isn't, Ella.
Then let me give you something to take your mind off it.
Edward came to see me. How is he?
Poor Ed.
I shouldn't have left to deal with all of that on his own.
Look, I'll call him as soon as I get back to the hotel, OK?
OK. Bye.
Open your legs!
Excuse me? John Ansell!
He was Henry Morgan's quartermaster! 100 paces from me!
No, no, no, wait, wait, wait!
"Turn your back on me and take 100 paces to the rock."
One, two, three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine, ten, 11, 12...
..97, 98, 99, 100.
Right, well, that must be the rock.
We're definitely in the right place.
So, where now?
Er...
I don't know, this is where my map ends.
I thought I'd be able to work it out once I got here.
BREATHES HEAVILY
PHONE RINGING
Caleb, wha'ppen?
How did you find me?
I told you, you couldn't outsmart me.
This is it, isn't it?
This is the beach!
My beach.
My part of the map.
Look, well, now that we're here together...
Oh, we're not here together. We're on the same beach.
No, no, no. You're with him.
OK. Just have to pace into the sunset from...
From where?
You don't know?
Oh, don't look so pleased with yourself. What did you say?
"Oh, it's not like the fillums, Hooten.
"It's not yo-ho-ho and 50 pages to where the X is."
Oh, look, it is!
Just like the movies.
You still don't know from where to start pacing.
And you do?
Oh-ho! So, you do need me?
I don't NEED you.
All right, fine. Off you go, pace away.
Isn't it the...No!
He knows, doesn't he?
Julian, don't speak to him, don't even look at him.
Look, you're just going to have to face it that, whether we like
it or not, we are going to have to work on this together.
OK.
Show me yours.
You show me yours and show you mine.
Both of us at the same time.
All right.
The rock!
I'll do it.Why you?
Because Morgan's quartermaster was a guy. He'd have bigger steps.
You don't know that. He could've been a dwarf.
All right, fine. You do it - but I'm right behind you.
One, two, three...
Julian, get the shovel!
.. 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49...
..50.
Right, well, as we're partners now,
perhaps we should strike some kind of a deal?
First, that the museum could exhibit whatever we find for
a year or two and then... How about I sell it,
get my money and you try to borrow it from the guy I'd sell it to?
I've already promised it to the museum.
Well, that wasn't very smart was it?
I showed you my map! I showed you mine, now we're even.
So, it's every man for himself.
All right, you leave me no choice.
Julian, take that shovel from him.
Julian, you take one more step,
I'm going to take this shovel and turn you into a popsicle.
I could fetch you another sandwich?
Come on, baby.
You know, Hooten, the British Museum is well within its rights to...
THUD
THEY PANT EXCITEDLY
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
SHE GASPS
These were actually held by Captain Morgan himself,
sent to prevent the sacking of Panama.
And now their mine.
Ours.
Actually, they're mine.
Over my cold, dead body.
Yes, I second that.
His cold, dead body.
Looks to me like you're outnumbered.
No, there are three of us.
Please. Count me out.
Much as I'd like to stay and help, it's not really my thing, you see.
I've got issues with my back.
Third vertebrae, so...
I've got this.
You didn't put up much of a fight.
There were three of them. Even so.
Well, where were you? I was shouting encouragement.
Sounded more like critique.
Really? I thought I was being very constructive.
You called me a wimp.
Did I?Yeah.
Well, I suppose, out of context...
Still, we're all in one piece. It could be worse.
It could also be better.
We can try to sort of paddle back with our hands.
Can you member which way was land? Can you?
Um...
Er...
It's sort of, er...
SPLASHING
Alex!
Oh, thank God!
Alex!
Ah!
Edward!Alex.
Hello.Hi.
You're my knight in shining armour.
I still can't believe you're here.
Yeah, well, it was meant to be a surprise.It was!
But not exactly what I had in mind.
I got off the plane, thought I'd surprise you at breakfast and
then I find your guide here organising a search party.
Julian.He said you were attacked?
Not exactly.
Look, can I just explain this later on?
Er, I, sorry, um...I haven't really introduced you two properly.
Edward, this is Hooten.
I've heard a lot about you, Mr Hooten.
Funny, she's never mentioned you and there's no "Mr".
American sense of humour. He thinks it's very funny.I see.
If you're manacling yourself do her voluntarily,
you're the bravest man I've ever met.
I salute you.
Hey, where are you going?
Where do you think?
W...Alex? N-no.
I haven't flown halfway across the world to sit waiting for you in a hotel room.
Whatever it is, it can wait.
DOOR SLAMS
LOUD MUSIC, BAR CHATTER
Oh, you better turn around, boy.
There's nothing for you here.
It's the same all over the world.
Small-town mentality.
We see, Caleb, where I come from,
it's not about how much muscle you have.
It's about how far you're prepared to go.
HE CHUCKLES
Is that so?
Yes, it is.
Are you crazy?Crazy enough to burn down your bar.
Where's my barrel?
I sold it.To who?
They came here looking for it.
They knew you had the map.
But you're too late. The boat leaves tonight.
Which boat?
I know why you came.
To get away from our wedding day.
Are you having doubts?
No, not at all.
No, just all this stupid...pedantry.
Have I ruined everything?
No.
Ed, we're supposed to be getting married tomorrow.
Well, to be more precise, we're going to get married here.
Tonight.
What?
Yeah, I organised it with the hotel before I left England.
Ed, we can't... Everything's ready in London.
What about my mother? What about your mother?I don't care.
I don't want you just putting up with your wedding day.
Ed, we can't...!
Can we?Yes!
I want this to be a day that you remember for the rest of your life.
Both of our lives.
So, forget about London.
OK, tonight, at sunset,
it's just you and me and the beach
and a local vicar.
And some of the hotel staff as witnesses.
What about my dress?
HE GASPS
Oh, Ed!
SHE LAUGHS
My mum is going to go bonkers!
Oh!
Are you all right?
No, I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm just...
I'm so overwhelmed!Oh!
Then you need to relax. Shall I send down for some champagne?No, no, no!
We going to get married in a few hours
and I've got a whole beauty regime.
I've got to do my top lip and everything.OK, right! Call me.
I will! I love you!
What the hell are you doing here?
SIRENS WAIL NEARBY
Is there a fire?
Possibly. Listen, I need you to meet me in the marina in one hour.
I'll explain when you get there.No, you will explain now.No, no time.
The marina. One hour. And dress up.I can't! Hooten!
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
LAUGHTER AND CHATTER
You're late.
I can't actually believe I'm here at all.Where's Farquaad?
Edward is at the hotel. I told him I was having a face pack.
Wouldn't hurt.
The people who own this boat are the people who took the cask.
They're having a sail-away party and we're crashing it.Then what?
You create a diversion, I search the boat.What kind of diversion?
Think of something.
What kind of diversion?
I don't know.What do you mean? This is your plan!
You think of a diversion! I'm going to think of something,
you're not going to like it, then you'll start complaining.
No, I won't.You sure?Yes.OK.
SHE YELLS
ALL GASP
Man overboard! You've got to help her!
ALL CHATTER
Are you sure you're all right? Yes, I think so.
How did it happen? I'm not really sure.
Let's get you home, dear. Get some coffee inside you.
I told her she could have one drink
to celebrate the whole sailing-away thing, but...
WHISPERS: ..she gets the taste.
You.
You do realise I'm supposed to be getting married?
The bride's always late. Everyone knows that.
She's not supposed to be held prisoner
while her groom is waiting for her.
Clearly, we don't go to the same kind of weddings...
If I get out of this alive, Hooten, I'm never speaking to you again.
OK, but I want that in writing before we leave.
At last! Can we talk? I feel there's been some terrible mistake.
Yes, there has.
The moment you came on the island to steal the map from us.
Funny, I thought it started when you sent your gorilla
to steal it off me.Us.
The dealer who tried to take the map from Mr Levine
was supposed be working for us.
Not my problem. We had the map. We found the cask.
And now we have it.What happens now? Are you going to kill us?
What?You think, because I come from Serbia, that I'm a gangster?
Yes, Alex, don't be racist!
..So, you're not?
My company manufacture domestic cleaning products.
But I'm a keen historian and have a private collection of artefacts.
As a sailor, naval history is my area of expertise.
So, in answer to your question, "What happens next?",
we're waiting for the police.
Oh.
Well, if you're not a gangster, why do you have a pet ape?
That gentleman is my PA.
He's your PA?He beat me up!
Yes, he was party to that, but he stopped it from going too far.
It was my idea to put you in the dinghy.
He's a little squeamish.
So, you're... You're not violent? Absolutely not.
Lucky for me, and the blushing bride here...
I am.
Did you really have to kick that poor man?
I thought you said you were never going to talk to me again?
I didn't sign anything.
This way.
OK.
Oh, God, look at the state of me!
Hey, I saw this guy's face. He's already hooked.
All you've got to do is land him.
Go.
I can't.Can't what?
I can't do this.
I can't marry him. This isn't fair.
No, it's not. But he probably deserves it.
What if he wants to have children?
What, you can't have children? Yes, well... No, I think I can.
I mean, what if he wants them sooner than I do? I'm not ready for that.
I love what I do.
He doesn't know where I am from one moment to the next,
and he says he's fine with it, but what if he's not, actually?
Look, I don't know how many women are out there,
and, believe me, I've done some counting,
but I've yet to meet a single one that's as smart as you,
as funny as you,
or as loyal as you.
Pretty.
You can kick ass when you need to. SHE LAUGHS AND CRIES
And you've got a smile that could light up a room.
He's a lucky guy.
Stop being so nice to me, it's very...
very disconcerting.
Do you want me to start with your bad points?No, thank you!
Will you come with me? You can give me away?Don't be ridiculous -
however appealing that may sound.
Good luck, Lady Alexandra.
Go and marry your knight in shining armour.
Maybe I'll see you around.
There are you going?
There's this temple in Vietnam, where,
just before the fall of Saigon,
they melted all their gold into a single statue of Buddha,
covered it in clay to hide it.
Sounds like a wild goose chase to me
with no historical or cultural evidence.
Exactly how I like it!
# This isn't sometimes
# Yeah, it's for always
# If I'm gonna love you with all of my heart
# And if there is no more time
# This always remains
# Even as the world spins itself apart
# Cos I remember them days
# I waited so patiently
# For God to bring someone who's gonna be good to me
# And then He blessed my soul
# Well, I travelled a long way Travelled a long way
# And it took a long time Took a long time
# To find you
# But I finally found you
# I remember all them lonely days
# I travelled out on my own
# Then you brought me everything
# You made my house a home
# But if it's not the real deal then I don't know it
# Cos it sure does feel, and I think it sure does show... #
Thank you.OK.
You look like you're headed to the airport.Yeah, I am.
Mind if I catch a lift?
SHE CHUCKLES
Sure.
Why not?
Allow me to show you to your seat.
SHE LAUGHS
I have to admit, I'm a really nervous flyer.
Any chance you can hold my hand?
Maybe go through some emergency positions?
SHE GIGGLES
What's this?
I assumed you'd know. It was left at reception.
What is it?
It's from Hooten.
It's just a few knick-knacks.
That's sweet.
Yeah, it is.
So, I've been thinking, where do you want to go for honeymoon?
What about Vietnam?
Vietnam?
What could POSSIBLY go wrong?
Come on, guys. All this for what?
Because I stole your itsy-bitsy, tiny, little golden Buddha?
Seriously?
Do you think you're overreacting?
Shouldn't the punishment fit the crime?
Shouldn't you just steal something from me and then we're even?
HE SPEAKS IN VIETNAMESE
Bears?
What do you mean, the bears are going to eat me?
Is it because I'm American?
No, it's because you're annoying.
They were very probably going to let us go
before you started talking to them. That's harsh!
I was trying to cut a deal.
By offering them something that was already theirs?
It was my starting position. And how did that go for you?
This isn't real.
They'll be back any second with a counteroffer which I'll accept.
That... That's just brinkmanship. They're trying to scare us.
With some success!There's no bears, they're messing with us.
GROWLING
What was that?
The wind?
Wind doesn't growl.
An angry wind?
Or a bear?
GROWLING
RUSTLING
OK, I read something somewhere about how to survive a bear attack.
Good, what do we do? We're supposed to play dead.
You lay on your stomach and put your hands behind your neck.
Lay on your stomach?
Not so easy being tied up, I guess...
OK, what else did it say?
I don't really remember. I got bored after the playing-dead part.
There were pictures of women on the other page.
I'm supposed to be on my honeymoon!
Instead, I'm tied up, about to be eaten by bears
while my new husband thinks I'm out shopping for a hat!
Now that you are married,
what are you doing about the whole name thing?What?
Well, you already had five names, so are you now
Lady Alexandra Diana Elizabeth Lindo-Parker...Farquaad?
Your credit card must be three-feet-long...
# Ooh, la, ooohhh
# Sing like a Ooh, la, ooohhh...
# I set up camp in the centre of town
# Ready for freedom when it all comes down
# Snapping my fingers, walking around
# I'm a dusty jewel in the thrown-out crown
# Got a bus pass to make my way
# From hideout to hideout in the heat of the day
# I got a talisman tote with the whole array
# And when you catch my coat-tails I'll be miles away... #