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[man] Know what I love?
God, country and my shined up pick-up truck.
[bluesy country music]
I don't trust just anybody with my baby.
That's why I got me Bulldog United Insurance.
That way if anything happens to me or Bertha,
we're fully covered.
[horse whinnying]
They take care of everything.
[car screeching]
From head to toe.
[woman] Help!
A deer just ran into my new car.
Call Bulldog United.
[man] Shoot, a gator bite just sunk my pontoon.
Aw hell, they take care of that too.
[announcer] For insurance
who'll be on the attack
for you and yours,
call Bulldog United.
[woman] What about us?
I just bought a house for me and my 17 cats.
Sorry darling, but
I ain't got a dog in that hunt.
Darling but, I ain't got a dog in that hunt.
I ain't got a dog in that hunt.
-[phone ringing] -Yeah?
[man on phone] Bo, how's it going buddy?
Oh hey, what's up man?
Listen, it's a no go for that cop show.
What?
What the hell, man?
I thought you said they were like total fans of me.
[man on phone] Still are, dude.
Uh, it smells like boy in here.
Haven't got an offer out.
Yadda, yadda, you know...
I'm leaving now.
Babe, I'm on the phone, okay. God.
[man] Guy with the blue eyes and brown hair.
I have to go see my shaman.
My chi is all over the place.
You do that.
The casting director.
Everyone found out.
You should really take
a yoga class or sweat it out.
Mm-hm.
It's getting creepy in here.
...or something.
Listen man, whatever happened with that Statham thing?
You said you were totally going to get me in.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, that's dead.
Well, did you tell them
I'm athletic and stuff?
Did you tell them I used to
play football in college
for like a semester?
Just not the right type buddy.
You get it.
There's got to be something man.
I hadn't had an audition in like six months.
What are you talking about?
-[woman moaning] -You've got like
three of those Bulldog spots
running right now.
Which I shot six months ago.
Come on dude, throw me a bone here.
It's episodic season.
You got to be able to get me in
on all sorts of stuff.
Normally, I would say hell yeah,
-but here's the thing buddy. -[woman moaning]
You've become specific.
Can I at least do a commercial?
[man on phone] Mm, no can do.
Contract's not up until the end of the year
so you are on lockdown
as far as commercial work goes.
-Listen to me. -[woman moaning]
Take this time, enjoy yourself.
Lose
10 to 15 pounds.
Go to Cabo.
-[woman] Oh yeah! -Oh shit.
I got to jump buddy.
I'll call you soon, bye-bye.
What about that--
Hell--
[phone crashing]
-[soft emotional music] -Dammit.
[upbeat folk music]
♪ Hey hey
♪ Hey
[phone clicking]
♪ The summer's gone
♪ I'll be rambling alone ♪
♪ I still think of you When I get back home ♪
♪ But there's something In my head ♪
[phone beeps]
♪ And I don't know What it's for ♪
-♪ So heaven can wait -[mumbles]
♪ But I can't stay anymore ♪
Hey man, you Bo?
Yeah, LAX.
-Well, hop in. -♪ Want to fade out
♪ And live like a ghost ♪
♪ And leave all my troubles On the street below ♪
Ain't got a dog in that hunt.
That's you, right?
Bulldog cowboy.
-Yep, that's me man. -[laughing]
Best damn redneck cowboy in all of Hollywood.
Man, I love that shit.
Man, you crack me up.
You're funny man [laughs].
Oh man, so you do movies too?
Yeah, I just had this nice part
in that last Nick Cage film.
Oh yeah, yeah, I saw that.
That was a while ago, wasn't it?
Yeah man. But see, studio films are crap.
The real money's in commercials
and I got a sick ass deal with Bulldog United Insurance.
Okay, okay. Man,
I bet you get laid all the time.
I get her done.
[laughs] Nice.
Yeah, I actually got out here about a month ago.
Only thing I booked is a little part
in the new Jason Statham movie.
[soft indie rock music]
Hi.
Hey, thanks for picking me up.
Call Dad yet?
Nope.
-Nice car. -Nice hair.
Get in.
You okay there?
-Was it always this hot? -Really?
Well, it feels like a 100 goddamn degrees.
Can't handle a little humidity?
Looks like somebody's become a bit of a diva
living in fancy California.
What a pussy.
You're a pussy.
That's a good one.
You know, I am not going to my reunion.
Well, that's 'cause Cindy Wilson beat you
-for high school president. -It was rigged.
Besides, she was a total butter face.
Yeah, but her ass.
Yeah, but her
face [laughs].
Hey, so Dad gave me a box of some
of your old football stuff.
You know he moved into a house
just up the street so.
Cool.
[punk rock music]
Look, I know you're only home for a couple days,
but I already talked to Dad.
[punk rock music]
You're going to have to talk to him at some point.
Real mature.
♪ Are you standing up Or sitting down ♪
♪ I got news to deliver you ♪
♪ And you're not going to like
♪ The way it sounds
♪ I'm going to say it under And I'm ripping tails ♪
♪ I'm planting my rip We're ripping nails ♪
♪ I cross my eyes And then I started ♪
♪ Falling right now In the parking lot ♪
♪ Oh I'm falling right down The parking lot ♪
[door slamming]
-[sniffs] -That's good.
Will you sleep with me?
Hell yeah, you're sleeping with me.
Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
Yeah.
[exhales] Class of 2000.
Let's get real.
[farting]
Clear the tank.
[hip hop music]
♪ Put 'em up Put, put your hands up ♪
♪ When I walk up in the door Get the party pumped ♪
♪ When we walk up in the door We get the party pump ♪
Welcome to the fuck shop.
♪ You all better with it
♪ They calling me crazy
♪ And I'm about to admit it
♪ They wanted me committed
♪ For the way that I spit it
[record scratching]
[background chatting]
Hey.
Isn't this the Harris reunion.
Yeah, not enough people RSVP'd
so we did it here.
Hey, didn't I used to punch you in the dick
in junior high computer class?
Yeah.
Cool.
So who's house is this anyway?
I'm not sure but we kicked out
at midnight.
[background chatting]
Party's a big dick parade.
I love those commercials.
Thanks.
So do you know anybody famous?
Like Emma Stone?
No, not so much.
I mean I know people,
but not Emma Stone.
Anybody from Grey's Anatomy?
Uh, I did a pilot once
with Alan Thicke.
Was that that naked song guy?
Other Thicke.
He was the dad on Growing Pains.
Oh right.
Not so much a pilot as an industrial.
Hey, you want an autograph or something?
Uh, no, I'm good.
[rock and roll music]
♪ Watch me
♪ Got to sound like Rock and roll ♪
♪ Undercover like Danny Gold
♪ Watch me now as I explode
♪ Hot shot ready to go ♪
♪ Black and white take it slow
[glass pounding]
♪ Watch me now That's how I roll ♪
What?
Uh huh [laughs].
♪ Watch me now That's how I roll ♪
Bang, bang!
♪ Watch me
Fuck!
♪ Watch me
Hello [mumbles].
Hey, see my tattoo.
Look, is that me?
I love you guys.
So you weren't that foreign exchange student
from Bangladesh?
No, I came here with my boss.
He promised me a free trip to Hawaii
if I let people think we were a couple.
Doing God's work, I like it.
Bend over.
Excuse me?
I want to see you bark
like the bad bulldog you are.
Oh, you're a freaky chick, aren't you?
I am going to ride you, little bulldog man.
You look like a pretty giraffe.
[swanky soul music]
-[slapping] -Ah!
-No. Oh my God. -[bottles breaking]
Bark, bulldog.
Arf!
[laughing]
[kissing]
Uh, uh, uh, uh.
You got any protection?
[hands rubbing]
Alcohol kills everything.
Uh, uh.
You get a condom, you get this.
[punk rock music]
♪ Can I get
♪ A little kissy kiss
♪ Can I get A little cootchie coo ♪
♪ I'm like a soldier Marching in the sun ♪
♪ My guns are pointing
♪ Straight at the pool now
[garbage cans crashing]
[Bo breathing]
♪ Early in the morning When we're all alone ♪
♪ We're happy Life can be so dumb ♪
[siren blaring]
♪ We try to jump In your husband's car ♪
How are you this evening? You might recognize me
from [mumbles].
I'm fine, I'm fine.
Totally fine. I sucked a penny.
Yo, bright light mister police.
[knocking]
-Nope! -[police radio commotion]
Can I help you, officer?
You all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Well sir, you were all over the road back there.
Almost took out that sign.
Oh yeah that, I just got a cold.
You been drinking?
Cough medicine [coughs].
What's that?
That's my cough medicine.
Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to get out of the car.
[police radio commotion]
You got it.
Oh, that's locked.
No, it's not.
-[thudding] -Ow.
[door closing]
[Bo burping]
Sir, have you been hittin' the whiskey?
Mm-mm, cough medicine.
I'm going to have to ask you to blow.
You? [laughs]
No sir, this.
Ah. I don't want to.
Okay, then you come with me, we'll get a blood test.
No, I want to do one of the field things.
Oh.
Sure about that?
[sighs]
Bring it, Murtaugh.
I'm getting too old for this shit.
[laughing]
♪ Knees and elbows
♪ Fingers and toes
♪ Little bit of
[laughs] I got baby hands.
Oh, no I got it.
I'm good!
And a nine from the Russians.
Sir, you're under arrest for suspicion of driving under the--
I don't want to be!
Sir, I need you to calm down.
This is my night, my glory.
Not tonight. Tonight, you're
-going to jail. -Tonight,
I'm getting laid
by exotic Jessie Spano.
♪ I'm so excited ♪
♪ I'm so scared
-Stop it! -No!
Check it, TMZ.
I'm Bo motherfucking
-Treadwell. -Sir, I'm not going to ask you
-again. -Whoo!
Oh [laughs].
Sorry, but I ain't got a dog in that hunt.
-[laughs] -Is that a taser?
-[taser firing] -[Bo shaking]
[Bo moaning]
-[water splashing] -Ah oh!
Ah!
Phone's for you.
Ow!
-Who is it? -I don't know.
-You stink. -You suck!
Hello?
Bo, baby.
Where have you been?
I had to use your emergency contact
to get ahold of you. Buddy,
the media is going berserk over this.
This shit is gold.
You hang tight. I'm going to find a way to spin this.
I'll be in touch, baby.
[Bo] Is that a taser?
[laughs] Tase--
[phone beeping]
[soft delicate music]
[Bo sighing]
Mm.
[zipper unzipping]
No!
Ronald, you surly old shit.
Hey, Bo and it's just Ron now.
So what's up man? You still popping out nuggets with Jenna?
Uh, okay. Um...
How you feeling man?
Tossed back a couple last night.
Old steel drum ain't what it used to be.
So you don't have any idea why you woke up
in Sammy's playhouse?
Um no, but
I'm thinking it means I had a pretty good time.
Let's get some hot chicken.
Mm.
Ronald.
We-- We can't go get hot chicken, Bo.
Why the hell not?
Bo, you peed on a cop.
[sighs]
Good one, Ron.
I'm not joking.
Wait, if that's true,
then why am I not in jail?
Well, Sally had me bail you out
and now you're under her watch, until your hearing next week.
-There's more. -[Bo] What?
You know, we should really just go inside and talk to Sally.
Ronald, I'll slap you in those luscious lips
if you don't tell me everything.
There's a video of your arrest?
-What? -Yeah, it's everywhere.
It's all over the Internet. I really don't think it's going to help your case.
I mean, I don't see how a judge
could overlook something like that.
Oh God.
-Ron! -I'm coming.
Just in time. Turns out you actually are famous. Well, sort of.
Looks like the spokesperson for Bulldog United Insurance
won't be hunting anything in the near future.
Whoo! Sorry, but
I ain't got a dog in that hunt.
[laughs]
Is that a taser?
[Bo convulsing]
-Fuck. -After being arrested last night
for suspicion of driving under the influence
and urinating on a police officer,
actor Bo Treadwill has been released
from his contract
with Bulldog United Insurance,
effective immediately.
In other news,
let's go down to Jackson
covering the annual bake off
at First Presbyterian.
[Jackson] Ah, thanks Debby.
You know Devil's food cake
and Jesus don't--
Well,
I'm proud of you.
Is that sarcasm, Sally,
'cause I could do without.
Can they do that? Just fire you
-without giving you any warning? -No,
otherwise my agent would've
-called me. -[phone ringing]
Dude, what's happening?
[agent] Bad news.
Bulldog dead, got to drop you.
Stay strong man, bye.
-Sorry, but I ain't got a dog-- -Oh,
looks like you're a YouTube sensation already.
Come on, how is there already a video?
Well, all cop cars have dash cameras.
It's standard issue.
Well, it's friggin' stupid.
Hey, you're at 100,000 views already.
-It's pretty good. -Is it?
-Yeah, I think so. -Not helping, Jim.
Do me a favor and make
yourself useful. Oh,
and get used to sleeping outside.
I already got two kids,
sure don't need a third.
Hey, oh I'm not sleeping out in that little shack.
It's not a shack.
It's a princess house!
[Jim] You tell him.
Aw, this is bullshit.
I'm on TV, I'm a celebrity.
Okay celebrity, how about
you drink away another week
and let's see if the judge
lets you off with a warning?
-Huh, what? Oh. -Ah!
-Yeah, that's what I thought. -Ronald.
[sighs]
[Sally] Buh bye.
-[hand smacking] -What, what?
He's your brother.
[rock and roll music]
[ankle bracelet buzzing]
♪ Well I'm depleting Brain cells ♪
♪ Every day
♪ Eating turkey pot pies ♪
♪ Off the TV tray
♪ My black fingernails And all good thing ♪
♪ I got 12 long steps To sobriety ♪
♪ Yeah
♪ Uh huh
♪ Well I got no money
♪ And I got no home
♪ And then my old lady
♪ Calls up on the phone
♪ I'm depleting
♪ Brain cells every day
♪ Eating turkey pot pies Off the TV tray ♪
♪ But when I do
♪ Go to turn around
♪ I say hello ♪
♪ To your girlfriend yeah
[scooters buzzing]
[Elliott] Uh, hey.
What you reading, dumble dork?
Give it back, B.J.
Looks good.
[spitting]
Have a nice read, study buddy.
-[laughs] -[boy] Study buddy.
Good one.
Are you that guy?
-What guy would that be? -You know
the "I ain't got dog in that hunt" guy.
Yep, that's me.
Cool.
Who the fuck are you?
I live across the street.
Something else I can help you with?
I'm Elliott.
Like E.T.?
No, like the musician Elliott Smith.
The guy who stabbed himself in the heart?
My mom really likes him.
She a cutter?
-No. -She is.
And also you look a little like a preemie.
I'm sure she drank while she was pregnant.
I saw you on TV.
Yeah, you said that already.
No, I meant your video.
Well, take a good look at what a celebrity looks like, kid.
What's that?
Don't worry about it.
Who is that?
[rock and roll music]
Holy shit.
[Elliott] What?
I know her.
My mom?
Yeah, we went to high school together.
She was a gothy art nerd, flat as a rail.
Good on you art nerd, nice rack.
Did you know that TV adds 10 pounds?
-Hey, you got a dad? -Do you?
Whatever.
You look way fatter on TV.
Your mom gave me a handy at Fright Night.
You're a loser.
Your cummy handed mom, my dick.
[laughs]
Hey honey, who were you talking to out there?
Some shitty actor.
Whoa, language.
Actor?
Yep.
He does commercials.
I think his name is--
Uh, Bo Treadwill?
Yep, that's Bo Treadwill.
Looks like he's doing real good.
He's kind of an asshole.
What did I say? Now go ahead,
start your homework.
Dinner will be in a few.
Also, he said you gave him a hand--
Homework!
Start it up!
And I don't want you talking to him anymore,
-okay? -[Elliott] Okay.
[playful music]
Oh shit.
Uh.
Well, well, well,
if it isn't gothy cuts herself.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't pees on a cop like a complete dickhead.
Sassy, I like it.
You can take the girl out of the Courtney Love clothes,
but you can't take the Courtney Love out of the girl.
Hey, that is an excellent bathrobe you're wearing.
Thanks, it's leopard.
Yeah, I can see that.
You look like Kirstie Alley.
I miss this.
Excuse me?
This is just so us.
We had one class together in high school.
-Yeah. -And every day
you asked me if The Craft
was my favorite movie.
-Is it? -No.
God, Fairuza Balk's real hot in that.
Okay, not so great to see you.
-Oh hey wait, I'm just-- -[ankle bracelet buzzing]
-Shit.
[laughs]
Is that as far as you can go?
I can only go 100 feet.
[laughs] Is that because of the hm?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.
-Mm, how lucky for me. -Ha, ha, ha.
Listen, I'm going to be hanging out over here for the next couple months,
so I'm thinking that means you and I need to... hang.
And that's my cue to leave.
Hey, what's up with Ingrid in there?
Hey,
his name is Elliott.
-Yeah, what's his deal? -He's my son.
Well, I know that but why is he so weird?
He is gifted.
Oh, that's code for nerd.
[scoffs] He--
He's shy.
On a scale of one to Ducky,
how much of a nerd are we talking about?
He's had a hard time and he has this thing with wanting to be popular.
He should play football. Then those two little shits wouldn't pick on him.
Football is not the answer.
[scoffs] Football got you to give me a handy at Fright Night '97.
That was a bottle of vodka and a Klonopin
and I thought you were Joey McIntyre.
What was your excuse for the rest of the team?
-[slapping] -Oh! Whoo!
Stay away from my kid.
[door slamming]
She likes me.
[upbeat organ based music]
Boned [laughs].
[R&B music]
Mm.
Nice.
I bet we fucked.
[knocking on door]
Enter.
What's up, preemie?
I was in the iron bunker today.
I saw your photo on the wall of fame.
And I also found this.
-Where'd you get this? -I ripped it out of my mom's
old yearbook.
You know, you're not supposed to be talking to me, right?
-I know. -So what were you
doing in the iron bunker?
-Were you good at football? -I was unstoppable.
-What position did you play? -I played supreme badass.
-Did you play college? -For a minute.
-Did your dad teach you-- -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are all the questions about?
So you could coach me if you wanted?
-What? -Well,
you could coach the basics, right?
What you gettin' at here, scrot?
I want to try out for football.
I just don't know how to play.
[laughing]
What's so funny?
Well, I mean, don't you have some little friend
that can help you?
Not really.
Well, what's in it for me?
What do you want?
Okay, anytime I need anything,
and I mean anything,
you go get it for me?
Like what?
I don't know, let's start with some hooch.
-What's hooch? -It's alcohol,
you dick fart.
I'm only 12.
So, get inventive.
Why can't you get it yourself?
[hand smacking]
-Oh. -Do you want to learn
to play football or not?
Now we got a deal?
-Deal. -Hey, hey.
Why you want to play football so bad?
There's...
There's this... girl.
Really?
Is she hot?
I don't know. She wears glasses.
Say no more, we got a She's All That situation.
I get you, bro.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, "Daniel-san".
Your training's already begun.
First lesson, when you make a deal with someone you shake hands like a man.
What the hell's that?
You just shook my hand like a vagina.
What?
You ever play baseball before?
Tee ball.
Same difference.
Grip it like a baseball bat.
Firm, not squeezing.
Good, now look me in the eyes.
Boom. That's it.
Now get the hell out of here, nut sack.
[upbeat rock and roll music]
It's going to be dove season pretty soon.
Mm, you ready?
Yeah, I guess so.
I guess you are.
Can I be excused?
No, no, no.
Got my CrossFit on this morning.
-Mm. -See that?
I'm going to get a little tan time tomorrow.
You know what my mom used to say?
She said when you get a tan,
people think you're somebody.
How about you?
Hm?
You somebody?
[laughing]
Yeah.
[laughing]
That woman, she spoke some truths.
Yeah?
Hey, Sammy's asking for an Uncle Bo bedtime story.
Think you could pop a mint
and try not to destroy her innocence?
In a minute.
Also Dad called... again.
What are you doing on Saturday?
Always making money.
I'm sure I could squeeze you in.
Well, I was thinking it would be really fun
for you to come with me and Elliott
to the fall Pumpkin Festival.
[laughs] Really?
Yeah.
Isn't he too old for that kind of stuff?
Aren't you too old for that shit?
Oh hey, language.
Stuff.
Sorry Mom.
But... we go every year.
What dude goes to the pumpkin patch with their momma
-after eight years old? -I don't want to go.
See, he doesn't want to go.
Okay.
'Kay, never mind.
Solved.
Hey, can you not be mean please?
I'm just saying, look at him.
He's not a kid anymore.
Hey, come here.
How 'about we do this?
How 'about we toss Elliott 20 bucks.
We tell him to go get pizza
and then you and I play hide the speed boat
in that little pumpkin patch.
-[laughs] -What does that even mean?
-Okay. -Oh yeah?
-[phone beeping] -All right.
Oh, yep, got to go.
Mm.
-Ew. -What?
Finish your dinner.
Eat all the salady things.
Fine.
[phone ringing]
Hi, it's Talia. I'll never listen to this voicemail
so why don't you--
[sighs] You fucking suck.
[car door closing]
[car revving]
Fo fucking shizzle.
[car screeching]
What a dick.
We are the hurricanes, the mighty, mighty hurricanes.
We hit hard, we hit fast,
we hit the land
with [mumbles] that.
You ready? Come at me.
Try and tackle me.
Really?
Come on.
Don't be such a pussy.
Try and tackle me.
Okay.
[thudding]
Ow.
[laughs] Too high, man.
You can't tackle nobody running up high like that.
Line back up.
Now get down in your stance.
Get down in your stance, lunch box.
-You ready? -Yeah.
-[hand slapping] -Ow. Ow. [gasps]
You can't put all your weight on your hand.
-What the fuck? -Hey, language.
You always curse.
Yeah, 'cause I'm an adult.
-Well, not really. -Hey,
you're the one who asked me to teach you football.
I got to see where your skills are at.
Well, all you're doing is hitting me.
Yeah, buddy, that's football.
Running, hitting,
jumping, hitting, catching,
hitting.
Unless you're a kicker
and those guys are total ladies.
Maybe I'm a quarterback.
Come on up.
[ball hitting]
Well, you're not a receiver.
All right.
Hit me, I'm open.
So like I was saying, Montana,
you got to learn to tackle.
Listen,
you're soft, you're unathletic,
and hey, you're pretty much the culmination of Rudy.
Who?
You got to be shitting me?
-Rudy,the movie with Sean Astin. -Who's Sean Astin?
Oh you know, Mikey from Goonies,duh.
That stupid treasure movie?
I will punch you in your crap lousy mouth
if I ever hear blasphemy like that again.
Sorry.
Come on.
Wait.
Where are we going?
You and I are going to go watch Rudy
and today, you're gonna learn to be a man.
I don't understand.
Why can't we just watch it on Netflix?
'Cause that's lame.
Not really.
I have it on my iPad.
It's easy.
We're going to watch this VHS together
because it means more this way.
Like we waited all week to rent it
from it from Captain Video and tanning salon,
the way it's supposed to be watched.
[intro music]
[man yelling]
I am so sorry.
You were so right.
I know.
That was the greatest thing
I've ever seen.
[sniffs] That's how you have to be, like Rudy.
I can do it.
Will you help me?
I will be your secret African American
groundskeeper coach.
Hey, you tell your mom about this yet?
Don't worry about it.
-Whoa. -Whoa.
We start for real tomorrow
-and I got your first training task. -Ready.
Okay, go steal me a pack of your mom's cigs.
She doesn't smoke.
Yes she does.
Now go.
-Go, I'm timing you. -[Elliott laughing]
You're not back, I'm making you run sprints.
♪ Only you
♪ Can write the story
[whistle blowing]
[Elliott panting]
Get up.
Ow!
♪ You're on your way
♪ Got to fight to win ♪
♪ You're on your way
[Elliott grunting]
♪ Get better every day
♪ You're on your way
Help me!
[Bo laughing]
-[ball hitting] -Ow!
[ball hitting]
The ball, it's coming.
That's it, now tuck it.
So we need to practice more.
-Go back over there. -Okay.
♪ It's a hard road
♪ Up to the top
♪ And the key is To never stop, no ♪
♪ This is real
♪ There's no pretending
♪ Only you
-♪ Can write the ending -[laughing]
♪ Getting better every day
-Go! -♪ And it's the price
♪ You pay to play You're on your way ♪
♪ Gettin' better every day
♪ You're on your way
♪ It's the price You pay to play ♪
-This is your enemy. -Okay.
This is the quarterback.
Your mission is to sack the quarterback.
How do I do that?
The swim move.
What's that?
It's what made me famous.
Here, watch me.
Now I'm the defensive tackle.
Line down.
So here I am.
Hips cocked back,
ready to explode.
And as soon as I see the offensive lineman's
hand move,
then I step.
I take my outside hand,
I hit the shoulder,
I swim over the top.
I sack
the quarterback and that
is how you become the hero.
That is how you bed the homecoming queen.
Awesome.
Ugh, you deserve it.
Don't tell your mother.
Okay.
You did good today, preemie.
Thanks.
[spits] Uh!
That's nasty.
Why do--
What are you looking at?
Nothing.
Just drink your beer.
Actually
I brought my own.
[laughing]
-What's this girl like, huh? -Who?
The girl you're doing all this for?
What's her name?
Emily.
Nice name.
I like it, classy.
Very Dickensian.
[Elliott] What?
Nothing.
So you guys made out yet?
No.
I mean she's super popular
and only hangs out with football players.
Like B.J.
Is that that dingle berry who rags on you?
Fuck B.J. I mean she knows you exist, that's good.
She smile at you, laugh at your jokes?
Kind of.
Boom. That's your in.
Listen, if there's one things I know,
it's picking up chicks.
Give a lot of mine have been
drunk chicks at a bar,
I can still help you out.
See, all you got to do
is walk up to that girl
and say hey, I think you're hot.
And I dig talking to you
and I think you and I should hang out
sometime just us.
That's not really asking.
-That's telling. -Exactly.
You tell her you're going to hang out.
You look like a badass and she gets all wet.
Well, where do I take her on a date?
I'm only in middle school.
Well, I always liked to take girls
on a first date putt-putt golfing.
That way if they date sucks,
at least you get to play putt-putt.
Everybody loves putt-putt.
You talk like you're stuck in an 80's movie.
90s were pretty badass too.
You're not as much of a dick as my mom thinks you are.
Thanks.
Hey,
did your dad
ever teach you any of this stuff?
What stuff?
Well, girls and football?
Sort of.
I mean when he wasn't passed out
facedown on a couch.
He wasn't exactly president of the booster club.
Hey, can I ask you one more question?
-Could I stop you? -No.
What is the shocker?
It's two in the pink, one in the stink.
Awesome.
[playful jangly rock and roll music]
Watch where you're going, Dumbo.
[Elliott] What are you doing?
-[laughing] -Is this
how it's going to be on the field?
I can't wait to lay
your dumb ass out on tryouts.
[laughing]
Football isn't for pussies!
Let's go.
Hey!
Come here, come here.
You guys think you're pretty cool, don't ya?
Picking on that little kid like that?
Well, let me tell you something.
You're going to go to
high school
and you're going to be so cool
and everybody's going to love you.
And you're going to laid all the time
and then you're going to get out
and nobody's going to give a shit
because you're going to be fat, jobless turds.
And that kid in there,
he's going to be president.
Your fly's down.
[laughing]
Shit.
[crickets chirping]
[banging]
What the--
-[glass falling] -Oh, what the--
Sorry about that.
What's up?
What are you doing here?
I knew you smoked.
We should hang.
Are you asking me or telling me?
We're drinking.
Sorry, I can't. I have a bunch of work to do.
Oh come on. Just one little drink with little old me.
Brought my own.
Okay fine.
One drink
but that's only because that was the last
of my bottle.
Come on.
Did my kid get that for you?
Uh...
[laughing]
No, no, you did too.
No, no, I did not.
You forget that I have seen you in all of your glory.
Oh give me a break.
That was one time.
And I didn't even take my shirt off.
Listen, if you can't admit the tattoo
then I can't help you.
I got ink.
Oh really, let me see it.
-Okay. -[laughing]
Oh!
[laughs] Oh my God,
is that a shamrock?
Yes, ma'am, I'm Irish.
That's a tramp stamp.
You do know that, right?
Yeah.
You know,
you would think I'd lose ass
because of it, but girls actually like it.
It's like we relate to each other,
you know, making bad choices,
getting all drunk at Cabo.
[laughs] You always did that.
Made bad choices?
No, well yeah.
But no, no. You always had this way
with making the stupidest, dumbest ideas
seem like so amazing and fun.
I know we didn't really know each other that well,
but I always liked that about you.
I thought you thought I was a dick.
Mm. No, I mean I thought you were insecure
and overcompensating,
but I knew deep down that you were a good dude.
Like the time
you pulled Josh Stuart out
of a recycling bin.
Uh, I cheated off of him in math.
I can't have him transferred.
No, you were--
You were kind to everybody.
I forgot about that.
That's why we hooked up.
[laughs] What happened to you?
[scoffs]
Dick.
-Your turn. -My turn what?
I showed you mine, now you show me yours.
Oh whatever, hold that.
No.
[laughs]
It was a fake tattoo.
I thought it'd make me look older.
Oh my God, I've been waiting for years
to see that tattoo again.
-Oh really? -Yeah, what girl
in high school has a tattoo?
You might've been the one that got away.
Yeah right.
No seriously, I mean--
You know you're the type of girl that gets away, right?
Thanks.
I'm the type of guy that gives it away.
What do you mean?
You know what I mean
I just sort of...
gave my moments away.
Uh, Bo.
Hey, I really appreciate
what you're doing with Elliott. It's so sweet--
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. -And I know that you're having--
Whoa, whoa.
Whoa, you got the wrong idea here.
I got a girlfriend and she's... hot.
And--
Okay [laughs].
I actually got to go right now
and... I got to FaceTime playtime with her, you know?
Hey yeah.
Classy, okay, Bo.
You go ahead and do that.
It's going to be awesome, so...
Thank you for helping Elliott.
[phone ringing]
Mm, goddamn it.
[bottles clinking]
[phone ringing]
Hello?
Did you call?
Yeah, like 20 times.
Oh, sorry.
So I'm in Tennessee.
Yeah, I saw that video.
It was hilarious.
Whatever.
So I haven't talked to you in like a month.
Yeah, I've been crazy busy.
I did an ayahuasca ceremony this weekend
in Joshua Tree with Eric.
Who the hell's Eric?
My friend, the musician.
He also works at that juice place.
I don't know him but okay.
So listen, it looks like
I'm going to be here longer than expected.
Yeah.
Like two more months.
Okay.
Uhm. Thinkin' maybe you want to come visit
or maybe send me a care package or something?
Oh.
It's just that I'm super busy with my album
and I'm designing this sort of clothing line.
I'm calling it Bohemian Life.
So it's just hard for me to get away to come to Tennessee.
Are you kiddin'?
What?
What the fuck are you
talking about right now?
Excuse me?
You're my girlfriend
and you don't even have enough time
to send me a picture for my spank bank?
First, I don't believe in putting myself
in a box labeled girlfriend.
[Bo] We've been dating for over a year.
-I thought this was a more open thing. -Wait, wait a minute.
Does that mean you've been banging guys this whole time?
Second, I resent the implication
that I'm just some hot piece of ass.
Of course you are.
Why else would I date you?
Ah, I'm a business woman.
Oh, you work at Happy Danny's.
You think you're so important
with your stupid commercials.
Just 'cause you wear a cowboy hat
doesn't make you Magic Mike.
What's that supposed to mean?
When we first started dating
you might've looked like Channing Tatum, but now
you're just like his sad, chubby cousin.
Everybody knows that the camera adds ten pounds!
Look, I'm trying to bliss out right now,
and you're putting a huge bummer on my mellow.
So maybe we should just
say goodbye and move on.
I'm really sorry you got fired
and TMZ made you video of the week,
but it's not my fault that you're unhappy and a dick.
Piss off with all your hippy bullshit.
I'm Bohemian chic.
That's a load of shit. You're not Bohemian.
And just 'cause you name yourself Talia,
it doesn't' make up for the fact that you're still Megan from Delaware.
-You're an asshole! -Oh yeah?
Well, I banged your friend Lucy and I lied.
You can totally tell you had Botox
'cause your fucking forehead doesn't move.
[grunting]
[inhaling]
Argh!
Fa!
[soft rock and roll music]
[phone clicking]
♪ The love that you lost ♪
[Bo laughing]
♪ You can never get back
[Bo] I don't need a bathroom.
I use a bucket
-like I'm on vacation. -You're not on vacation.
You've stolen a five-year-old's house.
Oh, you said you make house calls
and this is my house.
You're a loser, that ain't a house.
Whatever.
[door slamming]
♪ And your days are a disaster
♪ So you smash your Stratocaster ♪
♪ But I know it'll be All right ♪
♪ Not every love lasts
♪ You got to walk a new path ♪
♪ And don't look back
[car revving]
[bottles clinking]
All right.
[kissing]
[laughing]
Hey!
[laughs] I ain't got a dog in that hunt.
That's you, isn't it?
[Bo] Yeah, that's me.
[laughs] I saw that video.
Man, you were shit faced.
You pissed all over that cop.
What are you doing here, man?
I live here.
That's my sister's house.
I live in the playhouse.
In the pink playhouse.
Dude, I'm on house arrest.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
I heard that.
So you checking out my girl back there?
No, I'm not checking out your--
You're the one that's teaching the runt
to play football.
I'm sorry, who are you?
I sell luxury boats.
Do you know what that means?
That means
I sell high end nautical vehicles
for lots of money.
I've seen Glengarry Glen Ross 27 times.
I promise you I always close.
Hey, Bo.
I don't blame you for looking.
I mean that is one perfect apple bottom.
I ain't got a dog in that hunt.
[laughs] Dude, that shit's funny.
[knocking on door]
Oh, I was wondering if we were going to go practice today.
I'm taking a sick day.
Are you joking?
What, Sally?
Did you water like I asked you to?
No, I didn't because I'm in the middle
of something right now.
I asked you like 12 times
to water the goddamn flowers.
And I said I would,
but right now I'm busy.
Yeah, busy being a piece of shit.
How's this, Sally?
Are the flowers watered?
Aw, Sally, look at me.
I'm watering the flowers [laughs].
Oh, hm, looks like the bird feeder needs more bird seed.
[thudding]
Flowers watered.
[Elliott] Is that you?
Yeah.
Back when I used to be somebody.
So I really need to practice.
And it's been like the third day in a row
-that you've-- -Don't press me, kid.
But tryouts are Monday.
I still haven't mastered the swim move.
I don't know what to tell ya.
But you promised me.
Look, just 'cause I let you
steal some booze for me,
it doesn't mean we're buddies.
I don't want to be your coach.
I don't want to be your friend
and I don't care if you make the team or not.
I quit.
Are you deaf?
I said I friggin' quit.
-[Elliott crying] -Now get out!
[soft somber music]
Why does Uncle Bo get to drink
from the milk carton?
Because he's a big dumb animal.
That's why he has to sleep outside.
Little early for you to be up, isn't it, Lebowski?
Hey, why don't you mow out back
before you start the party, huh?
Don't make me the bad guy here.
I think I've been pretty patient with you.
All I've asked is that you keep the lawn
and you clean up your empties.
Why don't you hire someone?
I mean that's why you married up, isn't it?
You're a mean drunk.
Does that remind you of anyone?
What?
-It's ridiculous. -What is?
You can't even clean up after yourself.
-I clean. -No, you don't.
Do you think it's a good idea
that my daughter sees you sitting outside
in her kiddie pool all day drinking vodka, huh?
Do you?
Do you think you're so special
that the world owes you something?
Well, it doesn't.
And if you keep sitting out there
waitin' for some big movie moment to happen,
well, you're going to be waitin' a long time.
I love you, but this pity party has gotten out of control.
If you can't help out around here,
then I'm sorry, but you're going to have to go.
Go where? Huh, back to L.A.?
Oh that's right, I don't have a girlfriend or a job
and oh, I'm on house arrest!
So if you're going to kick me out
the only place for me to go is jail.
Well, maybe it'll be good for you.
[horn honking]
Cavalry.
We're not done here.
Well, well, well,
check out the jail bird.
You mean yard bird.
[laughing]
-[Bo] Funny. -I thought so.
[Bo] Well, Ronald, I see you've informed people I'm here.
Well, I didn't really think it was a big secret.
I mean everybody knows.
So what do you two assholes want?
Well, since you never call us anymore,
and doesn't look like you're going anywhere,
we figured we'd have a house arrest warming party.
I've been here two months already.
Yeah man,
we've all got kids.
It's really hard to make plans.
So what do you have in mind?
Thought you'd never ask.
-Bam. -Ta da!
-[Ron] Yeah! -Here we go.
Let's get high school wasted,
[indistinct] some shakes, baby.
-Whoo, let's do it. -Hit me, hit me.
-[Bo] Stop, I don't want to do this. -Ready?
Set, blue 380.
380, hut, hut.
I don't, I don't, stop, stop.
♪ The end of the summer
♪ My heart in
♪ And I told you so
[all] Shot gun!
[laughing]
♪ Then when you finally grew A conscience ♪
♪ You left me alone
[yelling]
♪ No
♪ You should probably go
-Left? -Left.
Is left good or bad?
♪ 'Cause there's a note I left on the back page ♪
Bo, you don't understand, man.
It's all about the school district
you end up in,
otherwise you're screwed.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
Yeah, nobody wants their kid to go to a crap school.
It's true. I'm spending $500 a week
so that Horace can go to Montessori.
Your kid's name is Horace?
It's a family name.
[laughing]
Is this what you guys talk about?
Yeah man.
That's some serious shit
when you have kids.
I should never have kids.
Yeah, we know.
-Oh, fuck off. -[laughing]
No man, look, it's all about the kids.
Otherwise you grow old and
what do you have to show for your life?
Uh career maybe, how many chicks you banged.
Really a multitude of shit.
All that stuff fades away.
Look all I know is that I'm just glad that I have kids,
even if I can't do all of this anymore.
Yeah, but you banged the prom queen,
then you actually married her.
So I'm thinking it's less about the kids
and more about the girl.
I just got my ass dumped
by some hot as balls choice meat.
Well, doesn't that goth chick live across the street?
You should hit that.
And she already has a kid.
Ding, ding.
Instant family.
I threw some vibe at her
and immediately got shot down.
Because she has a kid.
Chicks with kids don't want no Hollywood playboy.
You think I'm a Hollywood playboy?
Dude, you're on TV.
You can bang models.
Yeah, but, but, she's different.
She's responsible and like artsy and stuff.
Oh screw that. Go over there and tell her what's up.
-You think? -Yeah.
Go over there and tell her
that she's lucky that a star like you
would even speak to her
and that she should be grateful.
And you got a dick like Jesus,
that you nicknamed Christ.
That's too much, Gil.
I should.
I should go over there.
Bo, I'm not sure that's a great idea, man.
Ronald.
Don't be such a naysayer.
Do it, Bo.
Do it.
[chanting] Do it, do it.
I'm going to do it.
I'm going.
[chanting] Do it.
[Bo] I'm doing it!
[rock and roll music]
Yeah Bo, you got this baby.
[all] Do it, do it.
Yeah boy, yeah, that's what I'm talking about baby.
He's going to get it, he's going to get her.
Hey, goth nerd!
Okay, um...
Maybe he meant something else.
[buddies] Let's see how this may play out.
Get out here, woman.
Okay, come on.
Yeah, you think I should go get him?
No, no, go to the car.
You have got a lot of nerve.
What are you doing with that guy?
What are you talking about?
His name is Brock.
Oh, you called me out here
to tell me you don't like my boyfriend?
Go home, Bo.
He sucks.
Oh, I'm sorry.
So you think I should be
with somebody like you?
Is that what you're thinking?
I'm an artist.
You're a mess.
[Bo heaving]
I cannot believe I let my kid anywhere near you.
What is wrong with you?
I don't need this shit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Go back to your little pink house
and just drink your life away. That's great.
I'm not drinking my life away.
I'm on vacation!
From what? Life?
My God, what is so bad about real life?
I just needed a minute.
Well, your time's up, Bo.
You're an adult. Get it together.
-What about you? -Oh, what about me?
What kind of example are you, huh?
Single mom.
Living in this shit town.
What are you?
You're-- Are you a paralegal
or a secretary?
Or whatever menial job
they told the pregnant chick
she could get the easiest.
Screw you.
[ominous music]
[Bo gagging]
[spitting]
[thudding]
[Elliott] Are you okay?
What are you doing here?
I heard you and my mom.
Your mom sucks.
What?
She'd be lucky
to get with a guy like this.
I'm a goddamn TV star.
You can't date my mom.
-Why not? -You're an alcoholic.
-I like to party. -You peed on a cop.
I know what I did.
[thudding]
[Bo grunting]
Get over here.
You want to learn to play football?
I'm going to give you your last lesson.
Line down.
Line down in your stance.
Line down!
I am.
I thought you were ready, huh?
I thought I was your hero.
I thought you wanted to be just like me.
Get up.
Come on, come on.
Line down!
Ow!
[Elliott crying]
Are you crying?
[Elliott] No.
What a disgrace.
You know what?
Fuck you.
Fuck you!
Fuck me?
Fuck me is right.
Fuck me for wasting my time
on an unathletic little turd like you.
I hate you!
You are nothing.
Now get the hell out of here
and go cry to your mommy.
[spitting]
[crashing]
Fuck!
God!
[Bo sniffing]
[soft music]
♪ The day has come
♪ I keep on runnin'
♪ I'm always
♪ Searchin'
♪ I'm always
♪ Searchin'
♪ I hear you callin'
♪ I'm tired
♪ From fallin'
♪ I'm always searchin'
♪ I'm ready to lift This body up ♪
♪ To a higher ground ♪
♪ I'm ready to lift This body up ♪
♪ To a higher ground ♪
♪ I'm ready to lift This body up ♪
♪ To a higher ground
♪ I'm ready
♪ To lift this body up
♪ To a higher ground ♪
[ankle bracelet buzzing]
♪ The dark is burnin'
-♪ My flame is turnin' -[knocking]
♪ I'm always searchin'
[sighing]
You never came down.
I tried calling.
Yeah, but you could have come down at any point.
I wasn't sure you wanted me to.
I sort of' needed you to.
I don't know what more you want from me, son. [sighing]
I don't want anything, Dad.
Life is complicated.
Not to a little kid.
That's it?
That's it.
[garage door rumbling]
[Bo] Oh shit!
-[car screeching] -[car honking]
Hey asshole, why don't you watch where you're going?
I'm coming, little buddy.
[ankle bracelet buzzing]
Squad 601 general pursuit.
[heavy rock and roll music]
[Bo] Bunny hop, shit!
Talladega!
[chattering]
You're toast, butterball.
[laughing]
Nice one!
[dramatic percussive music]
[Bo] Elliott, Elliott!
Little buddy, I'm coming.
[Bo] Elliott, Elliott!
Elliott!
Hey, what are you doing here?
I should take out a restraining order on you.
Stop, I'm here for the kid.
Bo, if he hurts himself, I swear to God...
Whoa there, bulldog man.
Oh, what are you doing?
Aren't you supposed to be chained in your little pink shack?
-[smack] -Oh!
Oh my God!
It's not a shack.
It's a princess house.
[whistle blowing]
[coach] All right, guys.
Let's get ready.
[boys yelling]
[fence rattling]
[police sirens]
[coach] Here we go, two lines.
[whistle blowing]
Guys, get ready, everybody get ready.
Get him.
[coach] Down.
Set.
-[thudding] -[Elliott grunting]
[laughing]
Not funny. Line down.
Get up, preemie.
[heart beats]
You're okay.
Get up.
I can do this.
[suspenseful music]
[coach] Down.
[knuckles cracking]
Set.
Hut!
[Elliott screaming]
[player grunting]
[all cheering]
[Elliott] Yes!
Who's the wild man now?
[police siren blaring]
[phone camera clicking]
[soft rock and roll music]
♪ If they seem tough
♪ Well listen up
♪ Got something
♪ To say
♪ Just some advice to help You through this life ♪
♪ To get you on your way ♪
♪ You get cut off
♪ Put on hold
♪ May just stand the night ♪
♪ The shoestring snaps
♪ And you're under attack ♪
♪ If the situation's dark and you're falling apart ♪
♪ Start, start over
♪ Start, start again
♪ The only thing that matters
♪ Is what you're doing now
♪ So forget the past
♪ Every new break's a chance
♪ To start again ♪
I'm going to jail.
[playful country music]
♪ Well there's so many Things you can believe in ♪
♪ Why can't one of them be me
♪ 'Cause lost and trade And masturbated ♪
♪ Every single way
♪ Seem like I'm giving away more than I'm worth ♪
♪ Well when you're singing High ♪
♪ You're singing so low ♪
♪ No one wants to see you When you're down ♪
♪ But when you're singing Harmony with no company ♪
♪ You better change a tune
♪ 'Cause nobody wants Your attitude ♪
♪ Your attitude
♪ So, so, so said Get off, get off, get off ♪
♪ Of your high chair
♪ Don't you know there's Better weather elsewhere ♪
♪ Get your hair out Of your eyes ♪
♪ Just know Your life's been circumcised ♪
♪ Get up boy, get up
♪ Get off your ass
♪ Well everyone's looking for The while if they lost ♪
♪ And right before that Their car keys ♪
♪ Well my records Are scratched ♪
♪ And my jeans ain't patched
♪ Kind of cold around The knees ♪
♪ Where did I put those keys
♪ Well the ice cream truck's Rolling down my street ♪
♪ It's taking me back When I was young ♪
♪ But when the ice cream melt
♪ That's how I felt
♪ Like a puddle on the ground
♪ Growing up Just always brings me down ♪
♪ So round
♪ So, so, so Get off, get off, get off ♪
♪ Get off of your high chair
♪ Don't you know there's Better weather elsewhere ♪
♪ Get your hair out Of your eyes ♪
♪ Don't you know Your Life's been circumcised ♪
♪ Get up boy, get up ♪
♪ Get off your ass
♪ Well I don't want to be Like soap on a rope ♪
♪ Gettin' used As I'm hangin' around ♪
♪ Maybe I'm hanging Onto something ♪
♪ That I really just Don't need ♪
♪ So, so Get off, get off, get off ♪
♪ Get off of your high chair
♪ Don't you know there's Better weather elsewhere ♪
♪ Get your hair out of your eyes ♪
♪ 'Cause you know Your life's been circumcised ♪
♪ Get up boy, get up
♪ Get off your ass
♪ Get up boy, get up
♪ Get off your ass ♪
♪ Get up boy get up
♪ Get off your ass ♪
[laughing]
♪ So get off, Get off, get off ♪
♪ Of your high chair
♪ Don't you know there's Better weather elsewhere ♪
♪ Get your hair out Of your eyes ♪
♪ Don't you know Your life's been circumcised ♪
♪ Get up boy, get up Get off your ass ♪