Subtitles by explosiveskull
Oh my God, the pep rally.
Yeah, so I was like "no".
And she was like, "yeah".
And I was like, "uhm, no".
And then she said, "ya", so I said, "no" and then she like
looked at my phone. Tot's give me that look.
And she was like, "Yeah".
So guess what I said then?
- No? - Yeah.
Anyway, if I see her on Saturday I'm like totally
telling her, "no". Are you gonna come?
To what?
Uhm, Kelsey's super secret party?
Total rager.
Bonfire, on her granddad's farm and like he's mostly deaf.
So he's like not going to know that we're there.
You don't think that he's going to notice a giant
bonfire in his field?
Ahh. #buzzkill.
I can't anyway.
I have a date with The Mayor of Casterbridge.
OMG-ew. What is he like, 40?
It's a book.
By Thomas Hardy.
OK. Uhm, can you read your Hardy Boys book like another night?
Because I'm super worried about you, like you're at risk of
completely screwing up your social life.
Like can you start hanging out with actual people, more?
Yeah.
Maybe you're right.
Unbelievable. She just texted me again.
"NO".
All caps.
Christian, long time no see, man.
Welcome to Bergerac High.
- Good to see you Lee. - How's the old neighborhood?
Good. Same old. I miss it already.
It's not so bad here.
I mean the jocks insufferable, but apart from that.
You know I already tried out for the football team, right?
Did I say all jocks?
I meant some jocks.
If you hate jocks much why are you at a pep rally.
Covering it for the school news site.
That and Cyrus says something's going down,
so I would not miss that for the world.
- Who? - Cyrus Nollen.
Computer genius. Notorious hacker.
You can't miss him. He's got a giant...
Nose?
Don't say that. He might be listening.
Seriously, nobody says a word...
Don't... It's like saying Voldemort at Hogwarts,
it just isn't done.
One time Cyrus wiped a kids' entire tablet because he was
scratching his nose too much and he thought he
might be making fun of him.
- Harsh. - That's nothing.
One time coach Harris called him Schnauz in gym class.
Next week the tax bureau audited him. Seized his car.
You don't even think the word...
Come on, how big can it be? You gotta pic?
No. No one does.
He refuses to let anyone photograph him, ever.
No one's seen a clear picture of him. He's like Bigfoot.
More like big nose.
I said don't see that.
Excuse me, AV club coming through. Heavy machinery.
What's that?
A personal project.
Just keep looking over there.
Ohh!
Whiner.
Bronwyn. Quit fooling around. We're running out of time.
I'm fine, thanks for asking.
Where have you, where have you been?
Stayed up late prepping. Almost done.
That's her.
Dude, that's the girl I was texting you about. Who is she?
That is Roxy Rostand.
The good news is you have excellent taste. The bad
news is, unless you're a dead author, she's not interested.
Man, she's killing me.
Her locker is right outside of my art class.
I tried to talk to her twice.
I got nothing.
I'll contact you from the tech room, Bronwyn.
Right. Just a second, Bronwyn.
I'm just going to check the security camera view.
Alright, I pulled the files. I'm all set here.
Done. Try the remote test.
Alright. Attention all planets to the solar federation.
We have assumed control.
I don't know why you need this station too.
I'm perfectly capable of handling this end.
Two words, Bronwyn. Plausible deniability.
Can't get my favorite cousin in trouble.
Right. I might get kicked out of the AV club.
Devastating.
I'm getting the start signal. Standby.
Go LX on my mark.
Okay. Okay, I think, I think we're ready
to start now. Can we settle in please?
People. People let's go!
People, move, let's go. Can we settle in.
Hey!
Calm down!
Thank you Principal Castillo.
Bergerac High. Are you ready to raise the roof!
Can we have a little more enthusiasm!
We are going to destroy Springfield High
on Friday. Am I right?
Now it's time to introduce to you, your Bergerac Bears!
Your starting quarterback, Steve Guishe.
Steve I love you!
Yeah, that's right, that's right.
Let's talk about your running back for a second.
His name is Trevor Conroy.
And defensive tackle, Mike Fluery.
I thought I told you not to come here.
Look, I know you're failing English,
so I'll put it in simpler terms
that you understand.
Get off the stage.
Ohhhhh!!
Nolan, You stop this right now, you little...
If you don't stop this...
The school charter says you can't play football unless you
pass English and yet-
there you are. Care to explain?
Bite me, Nolan.
You know, getting a tutor was a good idea,
but when that tutor gives you her number, maybe don't send
her a picture of your junk.
Maybe this will help. I've wrote a poem.
The rhyming word kind.
And there you stand. You look amazed.
You reek of body spray and cheese. I hardly think
you'll be in phase when I show the crowd your knees.
Oohhhhh!!
The panic starts to grip you, friend.
We can see it in your eyes, cause when this poem finds
an end, we'll see much more than just your this thighs.
Be careful, Mike of what you send. I'm not some kind of Noob.
Cause when this poem finds and end,
we'll see much more than just your boob.
I can't believe you piece of slime, the depths to which
you've sunk, and now we're almost out of time so let's
all see your junk!
You get off the stage and quit the football team by
the time I count to three.
You can't tell me what to do, Bro.
One...
It's none of your business.
Two...
I swear, when I find you...
Three!
And that concludes today's special announcements.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled athletics
propaganda indoctrination.
Phew!
Okay. Alright. Enough, enough. Very funny.
Very funny Bergerac High.
Show us the pic.
- It's all very funny. - Show us the pic.
Show us the pic. Show us the pic.
Oh! Hey.
Ahhh, I was looking for the...
paper towels. Here they are.
Oh, I, I can explain all this.
No, you're right. I can't.
That's cool.
Still got that thing? I mean, It's pretty handy.
You never know when a jungle will suddenly appear
in the suburbs. It's kind of like Jumanji.
That's actually one of the earliest films to use CGI and...
It can wait.
Help me out here.
I know you're not stupid.
You must have known you were going to get caught.
Well I didn't think I was going to get caught today.
Two months into the school year and I'm looking at
five separate incidents.
Well, wait.
Mike sent a picture of his junk to a student,
and I'm the one who's in trouble?
I'll see him later. Right now, you are my problem.
Actually I think your problem is pep rallies.
I mean, who still has those? You know what,
you weren't finished. I, I apologize. Go ahead.
I like you, Cyrus.
But you gotta cut the crap.
Get serious.
MIT admissions looks at this stuff.
You're one of the smartest kids in this school
and you're throwing it all away on stupid pranks!
Two weeks detention in the computer lab.
I'm not going to suspend you, because you need all the time
you can get to bring your grades around.
Thank you. I appreciate it.
Now you keep your no... ahh, self clean.
Cyrus.
Hope she's worth it.
Totally.
Thought we'd try a little amateur photography, huh Mister?
In my office.
Hey, hmmm.
Hey Nolan.
You just cost me my defensive tackle.
Well, maybe he should have been a little more defensive
about showing his tackle.
Ha, ha.
Maybe next time you should keep your nose
out of other people's business.
What was that?
You heard me. My dad created half the software you steal.
So I don't sweat you and your little hacker crap.
So next time, keep your big fat nose
out of my business.
Is that it?
Yeah. That's it.
You had a great opportunity to say some cool one.
Walk away like a bad ass and all you got is big fat nose.
You got a problem with that?
Put a little effort in.
Something like, yeah, animation.
If you don't lying Pinocchio, you'll never become a real boy.
Or psychology. Something Freudian.
Hey, sometimes a nose is just a nose.
Yeah. Hilarious.
Anatomy. Something gross.
Not really nose picking with you.
It's more like spelunking.
Comedy.
Is that a nose on your face or are you just happy to see me.
Gardening.
You can have a part time job as a sundial.
Parenting.
Hey, when you're dad got your nose did he need two hands?
Movie quotes.
We're gonna need a bigger Kleenex.
That's no nose, that's a space station.
With a great nose comes great responsibility.
But of course, you'd never think of anything like that.
It's been said that integrity is to be preferred to eloquence.
And you Steve, seem to be short on both.
I understand, it's gotta be hard to get oxygen to your brain
when your head is so far up your daddy's ass.
Oops! Is that the time? We gotta go, Cyrus.
You've been served.
So what's the bad news?
Two weeks detention in the computer lab.
That's not so bad.
Yeah. Except it was my last chance.
So I'll have to be more careful when I get Steve back.
Or you could let it go.
You can't let him get away with it, Bronwyn.
They'll walk all over you.
You need to chill about the nose thing.
- No one cares but you, dude. - Girls care.
No, we don't. We like a big nose, we make assumptions.
- Assumptions? - Assumptions.
Anyway this isn't about girls.
It's about a girl.
Oh, god.
We're just friends.
If you don't tell Roxy, it'll never be anything
more than just friends.
Tell her? Have you seen this thing.
Gets into a room ten minutes before the rest of me does.
What's the worst thing that can happen.
She'll laugh at me.
And?
And that's literally the worst thing that could happen.
Look I can handle taunting from idiots like Steve.
But, if I saw awkwardness or revulsion or pity when she
looked at me, that I couldn't handle.
You just ate two weeks detention to get back at
a creep who sent her a dick pic.
And you did it while reciting a poem.
I'm pretty sure she's going to be receptive.
Yeah sure okay but...
She looked pretty impressed when I saw her.
Really?
Yup. But hey, what do I know.
If you want to live the rest of your life like you're in an
Adele song, that's your business.
Hello.
You are certifiable.
Who is this please?
You know very well who this is, Sir.
I can't believe you did that.
I can't believe you agree to tutor that guy.
Yeah, well...
He needed help.
You have to give people a chance no matter who they are, right?
Oh well. I'll try to remember that.
Anyway, that was amazing. Thank you so much.
I hope you didn't get into too much trouble.
No. Nothing I can't handle.
Good. I'm glad.
There's something I want to tell you.
Okay.
Yeah, it's not really an over-the-phone thing.
Coffee, tomorrow morning at Rags?
7:30. My treat.
Ahh, 7:30 ahh yeah. It's a date.
I mean, it's a date that's acceptable, to me.
It works. A date that works for me.
I'm free tomorrow. Sounds good.
Okay, bye Cy.
Okay, ha, ha. Bye.
Well?
Coffee tomorrow morning at Rags.
Cool. I'm working tomorrow. Save you a table.
This isn't like our usual thing. This is big.
She has something to tell me, in person.
Because it's not an over-the-phone thing.
Probably medical test results.
Okay. Joke if you must, but this could be it.
This could actually be it! Whoo!
Sorry.
Ohh. Excuse me, ahh, beautiful stranger.
Have you seen my mother?
Ehm, Would you like to discuss the phone call
I got today?
You look great.
Yeah, don't try and butter me up.
You're just lucky I'm running late for a date,
but we will discuss it. Now, I need a zip.
Honestly, I don't know what possesses you.
Why would you disrupt a pep rally?
It's kind of a long story.
It always is.
Okay.
Here's $20 to order pizza.
Please order one this time. You look like I don't feed you.
I know. It's the nose.
It naturally makes the rest of me look smaller.
It's a very handsome nose. Your grandfather...
Had the same one and I wish he would have kept it.
I'll be back around 11:30. Try not to hack into
the Pentagon or anything while I'm out.
No promises.
I love you.
I love you too. Say hi to Dave for me.
I will. Oh and he says thank you for fixing his phone.
No problem.
Bye Sweetie.
Bye Mom.
There he is. The big day.
Looking sharp. How are you feeling?
Great. And by great, I mean terrified.
That's okay. Fear is good.
It keeps you on your toes. Come on.
I saved you a seat out back.
Go get 'em Tiger. Grrr.
Oh God. This is happening.
- Yes it is. - I feel sick.
Don't you dare wimp out on this.
What is she gonna say?
What what am I gonna say? Tell me what to say.
Here. Write it down.
Uhm, you have to tell her I'm sick.
No, uh.
I can make your life a living hell.
I got up at 5:00 this morning to serve coffee to hipsters.
See that guy over there.
He's been working on that screenplay for two years.
He tells me about it everyday.
My life is already hell.
Now write something.
Okay.
Okay, so how do I feel?
Hey Rox!
Hey Bronwyn. What 'ch doin there?
Science project.
What can I get you?
Ah, Earl Grey tea please and a vanilla latte for Cyrus.
Is he here yet?
Yeah he's ah- he's out back.
$9.50 please.
There you go.
By the way, fishing wire will work better for that.
Fishing wire. Hmm, brilliant.
Ah oh, looks like didn't finish his homework last night.
Oh yeah, hah, just trying to think.
Ahh paper, thing.
Have a seat.
Thanks.
Is that mine?
Ahh, yeah, yeah.
So, what were you working on?
Ahh, top secret.
Oh yeah? Is it blueprints for my epic blanket
you promised to make me when we were eight?
I'm real busy, but it's definitely on my to do list.
With a big bookshelf and lots of cushions so we can read.
Remember? You promised.
I'll get right on it.
So ah, what, what couldn't you tell me over the phone.
Well, I like someone.
Yeah.
Someone who I think likes me too,
but is too shy to say anything.
Oh.
I can tell in his face that he wants to tell me and he doesn't.
Hey, are you OK? Your hand's shaking.
Oh ahh, It's just the coffee. It's fine. Gone.
Umm, well he's super shy and sweet and amazing.
Roxy, I...
And he's in your chemistry class.
His name is Christian Newville.
Do you know him?
No.
No I don't.
Well he's new and beautiful.
There's just something about him.
He looks so soulful and I can't get him to talk to me.
And how do you know he is not an idiot?
First of all, he's is an artist.
I saw him painting when I walked by our class and he's
really good. Plus, I can see it in his eyes.
And that's enough to go on?
Okay, you've been reading way too many Jane Austen novels.
Whoa! There's no such thing as too many Jane Austen novels.
I still don't understand what all this has to do with me.
Well, you're a guy.
Last time I checked, yeah.
And he's a guy and you're both a little bit shy around girls.
How does that qualify me to help you.
I don't have any classes with him and you do, so I was
hoping you could introduce yourself and tell him you're my
friend and get him to text me. Please?
Do you want me to pass him a note?
Do you like me, Yes or no, check one.
You don't have to be mean.
Do I look like Tinder to you?
Okay, you know what, it's fine. Just forget it.
Roxy, Roxy, wait. Just wait a second.
I'm sorry, alright.
No, I'm-I'm sorry. It was stupid thing to ask.
No.
If I see him, I'll ask him.
Really?
Yeah, really.
Thank you.
Okay, I have to go cause I'm late for Lit,
but uhm, you're the best. Love you.
Yeah, I love you too.
She looked happy. That's got to be good news.
Or not.
I could use another one of those.
Bronwyn, I just finished the scene in the abattoir and it's-
well it's magnificent.
You should come and hear it. Come, come.
If you ever loved me, you'd shoot me in the face right now.
So, any luck with Roxy?
No. I can't think of anything to say to her.
Just as well. I mean, you don't want to rush things, right?
You should invite her to our ten-year reunion.
I don't know what's gotten into you, man.
Like what's your problem? You're a good looking guy.
Empirically.
It's just a rational fact, like, take a look around.
You move to any girl here and they'd be all over you.
Roxy's different.
No she's not. She's a hot chick.
All hot chicks are the same.
They post a selfie on Facebook with the caption "Just me" and
everyone and their dog tells them how hot they are, but they
spell HAWT for some reason and the hot chick just gobbles it up
like a kid with Halloween candy.
It's a crock, I mean they say "OMG, so gorgeous."
She knows she's gorgeous.
She just want's you to know that.
God help you if you post something she doesn't like.
Then it's block, delete and a Facebook status update,
now she rid yourself of negative influences in her life.
It's pathetic.
Erica Anderson?
I'm in love with her.
Drives me crazy.
That's not the point.
The point is, you have a genetic leg up on guys like me so just
go talk to her already.
I will. Soon.
Ohhh, ha, ha, ha.
Dude, how did this even start between you and her anyway?
No one remembers.
I just know I'm going to finish it.
Hey.
I know what will get you to talk to Roxy.
Oh no.
Oh yes. Behold the power and majesty of the dare book.
Look on my works ye mighty and despair.
I can't believe you still have that thing.
How does it work you ask?
Once a dare is recorded in the book, a dare must be completed
or you'll be looked upon as a coward for the rest of
your days. Your honor is at stake.
I don't need the dare book, okay.
I'll talk to her.
No. I've got something better.
Forget about Roxy.
I dare you to make a nose joke to Cyrus.
Didn't you tell me not to do that?
Of course I did.
That guy will ruin your life.
Nevertheless, the dare stands. It's going in the book.
No. Forget it.
I'm writing down chicken.
Hey, I'm not a chicken, I'm just not a complete jerk, okay.
Okay, I'll sweeten the deal.
You're so full of it, Liner.
No man. Forget it.
I don't even know that guy. I'm out.
I'll take it.
It's kind of a personal thing between me and Christian.
Yeah. You put the money down.
So if Newville is too much of a pussy, then I'll do it.
What are you gonna say?
Nothing. I'm going to punch him in his big fat nose.
I said insult, not assault.
I think a punch to the face is pretty insulting, don't you?
Now come on man. That guy didn't do anything to you.
Just leave him alone.
I don't like his face. I don't like his attitude
and I'm about to adjust both for him.
Excuse me!
Cyrus, uhm,
I was wondering.
Can you smell my lunch from there because, damn!
Ha, ha, ha. Ohhh!
Sick burn, man. Awesome.
I'll see you at practice.
Who's your friend, Lee?
Him? It's more of an acquaintance, really.
Dude!
I need a name.
Dude, don't tell my...
Christian. His name's Christian.
Dude!
Well Christian, You picked a very bad day to be a smart ass.
Christian Newville?
Yeah?
Thank you, Cyrus.
And I actually don't even really know him that well.
Shut up. He, he totally knows me, okay.
Not nose like, nose. That one was an accident.
Lee, beat it.
Look, I'm not like that, man. I am so sorry.
Don't worry about it. At least your joke was original.
Look, I'm a friend of Roxy's.
She asked me to talk to you.
Oh.
Ohh! Oh that's great!
Yeah. It's terrific.
She wants you to text her.
Yes!
Again, I am so sorry, man.
I just...
Stupid tax.
Oh, yeah okay.
What should I say to her.
What would you normally say?
Umm-
"Sup" I guess.
Does that always work for you?
Yeah. Pretty much.
Course it does. Look at you.
Still, you're going to have to aim a little higher.
I know. That's why I had trouble talking to her
in the first place.
Just talk to her about art.
Discuss Michelangelo or something.
The ninja turtle?
The artist?
Aren't you an artist?
I don't know, man.
I mean, I just like to paint.
Okay.
God if I looked like you I wouldn't have
trouble talking to anyone.
If I was smart like you maybe I could think of something to say.
Give me your phone for a second.
What are you going to do?
We are texting Roxy.
It's a Chekhov quote. Trust me, she'll love it.
It's Christian.
Please don't be an idiot, please don't be an idiot.
Oh my God. He just quoted Chekhov at me.
Hmm. Yeah.
Super hot.
Oh! She texted back.
Boy, that was quick.
What'd she say?
Well as Miguel says, one of the most telling things about a
person is how they say hello.
Who's Miguel?
No idea.
Even I can't keep up with her.
Oh, which reminds me.
She's big into Russian lit right now.
You might want to read this.
Chekhov? Like the Star Trek guy?
Wouldn't mention that if I were you.
Also brushing up on Dostoevsky couldn't hurt and you'll need a
working knowledge of Bronte, Emily Dickinson and Jane Austen.
I didn't know there'd be a reading list.
Well, she's worth it, isn't she?
Oh, for sure, man. Yeah.
Then dust off the library card. Be good to her.
Hey!
Thanks. A lot, man.
I mean, I really like her.
What are you- No. Touching.
Personal space.
Eww!
Cyrus, thank you, thank you, thank you.
I take it he texted you.
He did and he was eloquent and sweet and not at all stupid,
so there.
And then he wrote this.
He wrote that?
I mean, yeah of course obviously he wrote that.
Ehm, how did you get that.
I found it in my locker.
It's a love letter, which is crazy, right?
I mean I hardly know the guy.
That is crazy.
Like, so crazy you probably shouldn't date him.
At all.
Hey, I thought so too, but on the other hand,
it is so beautiful.
Beautiful.
B-beautiful how?
Just listen to this.
"You're like a rose pressed between the pages of an old
book of romantic poetry.
A startling beauty surround and nourished by words of love."
You don't think that's cheesy?
No! It's beautiful and heartfelt, you hater.
I just feel like he's known me my whole life.
Like he just knows the way I think.
Well they could have copied and pasted that from the internet.
It's not unheard of.
Yes, but he mentions very specific things about me.
Horoscopes seem very specific to people who believe in them.
"When you wore your hair up last week it was like a curtain was
pulled back to reveal the real you, kind and radiant."
Hmm. Barf.
Hey! He's a genius and I want you to acknowledge it.
Genius! That seems a bit much.
Yes! He's a genius. Say it!
Okay, oww! Psycho.
Fine. He's a genius.
There, was that so hard to say?
No.
Okay, see you Monday.
Wait. You're skipping fourth period?
I'm leaving early.
We're going out to the coast to see my aunt this weekend.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
She's thanking me for my letter.
What letter? There's a letter?
Ahh, yeah. I thought I'd help you out.
It's fine, here. I'll answer it.
"You're welcome.
Currently stuck in chem class.
Not the chemistry I was hoping for this weekend."
Take care and have fun.
Done.
There see, "You too" and three hearts.
How am I supposed to do this all weekend?
Okay, here's something I've been working on.
It will forward your texts to me and I'll
respond to them for you.
Isn't this like I'm lying to her?
Well you like her, right?
Yeah. I do, but...
Let's think of it like buying a card that somebody else wrote.
The important part is that the emotion is genuine.
I dunno man.
I mean it's really cool and all, but why are you helping me?
I need to know what she'd say.
Ahh, it's just interesting to me.
Like a social experiment.
Plus, she's happy and you're happy, so it's a win-win.
All right class, let's settle down.
Mr Chase is sick today, so I'll be covering for him again.
Probably just a hangover. I thought you should know
that since apparently you're the reason the drinks.
So if all uf us can turn to chapter seven for those of
you who wish to follow along.
Mr. Nolan!
Is that a phone I see?
Oh! Ahh, sorry Sir.
You will be.
Put it away.
Okay, we'll get your social media up to scratch his weekend
and that'll be the end of it.
Nolan!
What did you do?
I didn't do this. It was Liner.
I mean the letter.
Oh, that.
You're welcome.
Yeah. Thank you so much.
Now Roxy thinks it came from Christian.
But you told it was from you, right?
Not exactly.
Why not?
I'm kind of helping him out.
Have you seen that dude?
He doesn't need your help.
Why would you do that.
Because I want her to be happy.
You don't want you to be happy?
If she's happy, I'm happy.
You know he gets the way better end of the deal, right?
You get to do the work and he gets to do-her.
That's a mental image I was trying to avoid.
So why would you help this guy?
Because, he can be the me I can't.
He can be the me she deserves.
The one she wants.
Has it ever occurred to you that you might
be the one she wants.
I'm not the one anyone wants.
Besides, now I can at least be involved
on some level with her romantically.
Even though she's holding him,
in a weird way she's kind of holding me too.
And in another real-world not delusional way,
she's not holding you.
At all.
It's better than nothing. I've had 10 years of almost nothing.
I'll take what I can get.
If Cyrus helps a hot guy get a girl, even though Cyrus is in
love with that girl, will that end well for him?
Absolutely not.
See even she thinks you're a dumb ass.
Thank you as always for your sympathy and kind words.
You're welcome.
Dumb Ass.
Okay...
Are you alright?
Yup, I just need a minute.
Liner?
Uh huh.
Now are you going to finish this thing or
am I going to have to?
Oh, I'm going to finish it.
Good.
Class starts in three minutes.
Okay, I'll just finish up this heart attack
and I'll be right there.
Fair enough.
Let's get to class.
Okay, so I've tweaked your Twitter and Instagram.
Got you on Snapchat and sepia toned the hell out
of everything. We also cleared your Facebook page.
Won't that look suspicious?
Better. It will look mysterious.
Really?
Yeah, you gotta play the long game with Roxy.
She's old fashioned, Needs to wooed.
Doesn't like to rush into anything.
Plus, she doesn't need to see your parade of ex's.
- Good call. - Mmm Uh.
I also took the liberty of signing you up for Skype.
She uses it to talk to relatives back east.
Sweet! Thanks man.
Hey, I'm gonna check my email, see if she wrote me.
Oh yeah. Ahh, she might have.
Because I dropped her a quick line when I was on there.
Oh, let me see.
"Technology is a funny thing.
I feel closer to you than I've ever been,
yet still so isolated."
What's that mean?
It's a poetic metaphor. Don't worry about it.
Answer call.
Uhmm, yes.
No, no wait!
Hey, you're on my screen. Awesome.
Yeah, I looked you up. We got back early and I got
your email about feeling isolated so, here I am.
Yeah.
Yeah, there you are. Hi.
Hi.
How was your trip?
It was good, but umm, I was a little bit distracted.
Someone sent me a few texts.
Who?
Gee, I wonder? No, seriously,
if you send me anymore, I'd have to change my phone plan.
Hey, is everything okay?
You seem distracted.
Ah, ah, no. Everything's fine.
Sorry about all those texts.
No. No, no, no, don't be sorry.
I loved everyone of them.
I mean sure if it was just banal chit chat it might have
been annoying, but you always seem to have something to say
and I really like that.
Well. At least I didn't write, "Sup".
Exactly.
You know this is going to sound really stupid because
I barely know you, but uhm-
I missed you.
Uhm.
It's not stupid.
I feel like I've been missing you.
My whole life.
Oh wow.
I'm in trouble here.
You really are slick, Christian Newville.
Aristotle said-
- Aris turle said... - No! Aristotle!
Ah, No, Aris... Aristotle....
Aristotle said that running from trouble is cowardice.
That guy said, "running from trouble is cowardice."
I didn't say I was running.
Well you must have been,
because you've been running through my mind all day.
Cute.
Uhm, this has been fun, but I actually have to jet because...
No ah, hey, I uhm.
I like your shoes.
You can't see my shoes.
I meant generally as, as a rule.
Okay. I hope you don't mind me saying, it's just-
you don't seem like the
kind of guy who would write a love letter like that.
But ahh, sure. I-I write them all the time.
Excuse me?
Well, I...
Who else have you written them to.
I... No, no one.
Whoa, I can't see you anymore.
Ahh, yeah, yeah, yeah, camera issues I guess.
Well your voice sounds really weird.
Ahh yeah, the connection is just a little wonky.
I have an essay, so maybe...
Ahh, wait, before you go just, just let me apologize.
I get a bit flustered around you.
Well, that's very sweet.
You know, why don't I just call you back.
No, no, no, I, I like it better like this.
But I can't see you.
Exactly.
I'm tired of being judged by what I look like.
Yeah. I guess I can understand that.
People don't take you seriously.
No.
And someone comes into my life
and suddenly it's very important that I be taken seriously.
Why is that?
Because I'm serious about her.
That's a bold statement.
It's a bold feeling.
I'm not even sure the statement does it justice.
What statement would?
It's your sonnet walking in a world of prose.
A star that brings warmth and light to everyone in our orbit.
I ventured into being cheesy now.
No. I like cheese.
Cheese is good. I love cheese.
Roxy, I feel like I've been carrying a weight and word
by word the burden gets lighter as I talk to you.
I'm so in love with you and I, I know that seems quick,
but believe me my whole life has been building up to this.
I believe you.
This is the moment that songs and poems are about.
This moment between two people over shitty speakers,
staring into a blank screen.
So, thank you for this.
Even if this is all we ever have.
Because I'm never gonna forget it.
You're like something out of a dream.
Do I pass the test?
With flying colors.
Can I come over?
Shut up you idiot!
What?
Ahh, sorry.
I just felt like I was rushing you so I told myself to shut up.
Hang on a sec.
Okay, what the hell!
What?
I told you, you got to take it slow with her.
You just told her I love her.
I know what I'm doing.
So do I. I'm going over there.
No you're not.
Hey, it's gonna happen one way or the other.
Fine.
I just, just let me handle it, alright.
Alright. Alright.
Ask her if I should bring condoms.
Or not. That's cool.
For the record, I'm against this.
This is way too fast for her.
You can come over. How soon can you get here.
Ah, I, I'm not coming on too strong?
No, not at all.
Uhm, but you should know my parents are here.
Good.
Good, I'd like to congratulate them on their excellent work.
I also have some tutoring to do.
Steve Guishe is coming over.
That guy?
Yeah, I know. He's a Neanderthal with a $200 haircut.
Just um-give me five minutes. I'll text you my address.
Be there when I open my window.
What about Steve?
Don't worry about him.
I have a super hero on speed dial.
Ahh, hello, hello?
Hi. Where you?
Ahh, I'm in my house.
Where I always am. Where else would I be?
I was on Skype, I thought I heard your ring tone.
Yeah, yeah probably just feed back.
What's up?
Christian is coming over.
Yes, yes, please continue to regale me with your love life.
Steve Guishe is also coming over.
You little Minx.
Eww. To study!
Anatomy?
Kay, just be serious.
I need you to delay Steve for as long as you can.
How?
I don't know. Do a computer thing?
Okay, well I hadn't really thought it through.
Evidently not.
It wouldn't be long, I just want a few minutes
face-to-face with him.
Okay, what am I supposed to do, stop time?
Because there's not an app for that.
Please, please, please.
I think I'm falling for him.
Fine, I'll do the computer thing.
You're the best.
Yeah, I'm heading over there right now.
We're gonna study. Study hard. Ha, ha.
Roxy.
Ah, check you later bro
Oh Romeo, Romeo wherefor art thou, Romeo.
Deny thy father and refuse thy name or thou wilt not
be but sworn my love and I will no longer be Capulet.
What?
Just come up.
Hi.
My parents are still downstairs.
Right, yeah. I remember.
Can we talk for a bit?
Yeah. Um, sure.
Okay.
Come here.
I've been dying to do this ever since I first saw you.
I could get used to it.
You're going to have to.
So where did you find that Chekhov quote?
Cyru... ahh clopedia. The encyclopedia.
They still print those?
Wickedpedia?
Wikipedia.
Yeah, that.
Oh, well umm, you should really try Chekhov sometime.
There's a melancholy to his words.
It's a perfect metaphor for the suburbs.
What are you reading right now?
Oh, like a book?
Yeah, very much like a book, you goof.
I've been real busy lately.
I did read a comic, though.
You like graphic novels?
Yeah.
I read Persepolis. It's really great.
It's a bio about a young women growing up in Iran after the
Islamic revolution.
This one had Archie in it.
Veronica is hot.
I think I hear my parents.
Uhm, you should go.
You should... sorry.
You should go.
Oh okay.
So we're not gonna make out?
No. We're not.
Okay. That's cool.
Hey.
Are you mad?
No.
You seem like you're mad.
I just thought you were someone who shared my interests
and I guess I was wrong.
No, wait, I, I totally like words and junk.
What if I wrote you a poem.
Okay.
I'm listening.
What?
Like right now?
Yeah. Right now. Impress me.
Your eyes are like the ocean.
Deep in blue.
With waves that whisper, I love you.
I like your hair.
It smells so fruity.
But most of all
I'd like to hit that booty.
Just get out!
What? I-I don't understand.
I thought it was headed that way.
Yeah, maybe if you weren't being a total pig.
But, it rhymed though. I just...
You just thought you'd come up here for a couple minutes and
tell me what you'd like to do to my booty?
Normal girls like that.
Oh, so I'm abnormal now.
Okay I didn't mean it like that.
Look, I don't know what happened to the smart sweet guy
I just talked to, but apparently that was somebody else.
No!
I, I mean, no, why would you even...
Hey, I saw your shoes and I really like 'em.
Honey, Are you alright in there?
I'm fine. I'm just rehearsing lines for drama class.
Just go.
Sorry, I didn't see you there.
You're about to get a free nose job, you little shit.
Oh, I get it. If I knew you were pimping her out
I would have slipped you some cash.
Hey! You two knock it off!
You! I do not care who your dad is.
I do not want to see you around here again.
And you...
I don't know who you are.
I'm Christian Newville, Sir.
Oh, very nice to meet you Christian, now get the
hell off my lawn.
Are you okay?
Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
Ahh, your nose looks really swollen, Cyrus.
Maybe we should be getting you to a doctor.
He didn't hit my nose.
Oh.
So what did happen?
Well Steve's been gunning for me for awhile.
He saw me on my skateboard and jumped me.
Christian must have seen and decided to help out.
Well, at least let me get some ice for your, ahh,
your eye there.
Oh, oh, by the way, while you're here, my laptop,
it's doing this weird buzzing noise...
Dad! Dad, just...
OK.
Here.
Well you were right. Christian is an idiot.
I'm sorry to hear that.
No, you're not.
You love being right.
I don't love it.
I'm just so damn good at.
Well Mr Right.
Thank you for covering for me, again.
You're welcome.
I haven't got the faintest idea why you put up with me somedays.
Me neither.
You're a gigantic pain in the ass.
Ohh!
Hey.
Hey, how' that eye?
It's fine.
Trust me, there's nothing he could do to my
face to make it worse.
Well it's a good thing you pulled him off, too.
I was about to really put the hurt on him.
Yeah, I could tell.
But seriously though, thanks.
No problem.
So, what's our next move?
There isn't one.
What?
I'm out.
No. We can't quit now. We're so close.
And then you blew it. Her shoes again?
I heard that girls like it when you compliment their shoes!
Yeah, they like it when you notice them,
not obsess over them.
I panicked!
You don't understand.
I'm crazy about her, man!
She's all I think about.
Trust me, I understand.
Answer's still, "No"
Hey, just help me get her back and I won't ever bug you again.
It's not happening.
I'm not putting her through that again.
That's my final word.
I understand.
Thanks anyway.
You're welcome.
When I tell this story later, that went in.
Um, I'll see you guys later.
Do exactly what I tell you, when I tell you.
I promise.
I'm going to give you some stuff to memorize later.
Memorize it to the comma.
I will dude, I will!
And no hugs.
I want to make it clear that I'm not to be hugged.
That makes me sad for you, but okay.
Your place, 7:30. Bring Thai food.
I think better with coconut rice.
You got it.
Christian.
Yeah.
Don't let her down again.
Dude. What happened to your eye?
Oh, nothing.
Oh, I get it. First rule of fight club, sure.
Yeah.
Come on, you can tell me about it on the way to English.
I'm not going to English.
Again?
I'm working on a thing.
Is the thing you're working on, not failing English,
cause that's the thing I would highly recommend.
Take notes for me. I'll catch up later.
Every movie I've ever seen says that these things
only happen in the rain.
Cute.
I don't know what it is with you.
It's like you're two different people.
I know.
I'm not always articulate in person,
but there is nothing in that-
eloquent about how I feel.
I'll probably say the wrong thing again,
but my heart will always feel the same
and I hope that's enough.
Do you want a towel?
No.
I'm just gonna stand out here until you forgive me.
Whatever it takes.
There comes a time when no amount of big words can
do this feeling justice.
I've been hiding behind another face.
But I'm realizing now that's it's only three words.
Of all the words written, in all the books, in all the world.
The only three words that matter are,
"I love you."
And I always will.
What's the object of this game here?
The object of the game is to re-establish the patriarchy and
identify alpha males in a social setting such as school.
The object is to support my boyfriend.
This is an important practice.
And there are college scouts here so, shhhh.
Is that why you brought a book?
Why are we his sports club.
I mean, where's Lee?
Shouldn't he be here supporting his buddy?
Ohh, Lee won't be going anywhere for quite a while.
So what did you do to his car?
Nothing.
That's the beauty of it, I didn't have to.
He'll be worried about it for days.
That is pure evil.
Psychological warfare is just the best.
I've literally never been prouder of you.
No!
Attack!
Good spotting, lads!
Way to do that thing, you did.
Hey, yah.
Hello my knight in baby blue armor.
So did you get lots of touchdowns.
I play defense.
Okay, so did you get lots of defense?
Sure yeah, I guess.
You know it's a good thing you're eloquent and
charming, because honestly this bores the hell out of me.
You're bored?
But it's worth it for someone that sends beautiful
texts all day.
I'm still texting you?
What do you mean?
Uh, no. I was, was agreeing.
I am still texting you.
Yeah, sometimes 30 poems a day.
Want to go?
Yes.
Alright.
Wait up?
What if I wasn't eloquent?
But you are.
It's the thing I love most about you.
All those other girls like you because of how you look.
But I love you because of how you are.
What if I had a weird face or something?
Then I'd love him even more.
Have fun, defensing. Oh, and if you look up
and see me reading a book, don't be offended.
I still love you.
Hey ahh, Bronwyn and I are heading out,
so I'll catch you later.
I'm such an idiot.
You referring to something that happened in the field,
'cause I wasn't really paying attention.
You love her.
Roxy.
You love her.
Well yeah, we've been friends since we were kids,
but it's not like that.
Is that why you're still sending her thirty text messages a day?
I'm helping you out.
No I've read what you write to her.
I should have seen it. It's as plain as the nose...
My God! I always say the wrong thing.
No look, honestly I'd I don't...
She said she would love me no matter how I looked.
What?
She loves you.
She just doesn't know it yet.
But you love her.
Yeah. I do, I mean, but I want her
to love me for who I am otherwise what's the point.
I mean I've been out here busting my ass for the last
45 minutes and she doesn't care. This is who I am.
This is what I do, while she sits up there daydreaming about
the guy wrote her those texts.
You love her, don't you?
More than anything.
You got to tell her, man.
No, no. I can't.
If you love her, you'll give her the choice.
Tell her.
Are we going or what?
I'll catch up.
Okay, we'll see...
Are you gonna tell her?
Holy shit!
I love football!
I give up.
Oh hi. You're running awfully late.
Car trouble?
I don't know. You tell me.
Well you seem to have gotten here in one piece anyway.
I took a bus.
Did you know that the number three goes all the way around
Molson Lake and through Barretville before getting here.
Because it does.
Ah, number seven would have brought you right
here in ten minutes.
That's not the point.
I just spent two hours wondering if you cut my brake line.
Really? Jeez, Lee I'm not a psycho.
Aren't you?
Look, I don't know how this thing started or even why...
Seriously? You have no idea.
No, I don't!
So we should go hang out and make fun of roller skaters.
That doesn't sound familiar?
Oh.
Two hours in a rollercade.
No one to hear my witty put downs.
It was humiliating.
Wait, was that a date?
There is literally no other reason why I would set foot
in a rollercade.
I didn't know. I thought it was like a hang out thing.
Your car is fine.
Good bye, Lee.
Oh no, wait. I'm sorry, OK.
Scram!
Thank God you decided to stay.
This is really boring.
Then why are you here?
It's cause all those stupid texts.
They're so sweet and beautiful and amazing.
Every time I get one I just want to be near him.
He said that...
you said even if he was ugly that you'd still like him.
Is that true?
Yeah. Of course.
What if he was like, grotesque?
He could look like Quasimodo for all I care.
I have something to tell you.
Yeah?
Well, it's kinda hard.
Hey, it's me.
You can tell me anything.
Well Rox, the thing is...
Playing the outside.
Oooohhhh!
Back up, back up.
Christian!
Call 911.
Christian, can you hear me?
I can't move.
It's gonna be okay, son.
Help's on the way.
It's going to be okay.
Christian.
Yes, Cyrus.
She picked you.
Back up guys. Give him some room.
It's going to be okay Christian.
Okay, so what's the situation at the hospital?
Is Christian gonna be okay?
Broken arm and a sprained back.
Doctor says he'll be back home in a week.
That's good, maybe Coach Harris will stop muttering in
gym class about losing all his defensemen, now.
Okay, so explain to me why, on top of getting Roxy to fall in
love with another guy, you didn't tell her the truth, even
though you were given an open invitation by that other guy?
How could I?
And then to top it all off, you lied about telling her to the
guy who told you to tell her before he got carried off the
field in a stretcher?
You know when you put it like that,
you make it sound pretty awful.
It is awful on every conceivable level.
What else could it be?
I don't know. Noble?
You know, for someone who's supposed to be super smart,
you're kinda stupid.
That's fair.
Well I'm glad Christian is okay.
Yeah, yeah. It could've been a lot worse.
He could've taken a head shot!
Oh! How are you doing that?
Well, see this button here.
It let's me shoot things and I press it when I see you.
I've been meaning to ask you.
Do you have any plans to go into acting?
No, why?
I just though it you were, you could use a little help with
your head shot!
Argh!
Get out of my respawn area, you cherry picker.
All right, all right.
Ah haa!
You're shooting a garbage can.
Dammit! Where are you?
Look up.
Where? By the bridge?
Look at me. I'll draw you a map of my location.
You know, I used to like this game and now you've
sucked all the fun out of it.
Do you want to play something else?
No, I gotta go.
Daycare of Doom is playing at the Republik tonight.
They play Thrash Metal on Fisher Price instruments.
It's amazeballs.
Your parents know you're going to a bar gig underage?
Yes, because I don't lie to the people that I love.
Head shot!
Ouch.
Mic drop.
I'll see you Monday.
Alright. See ya.
He just sent me this text.
"I think we should break up.
It's for the best.
CU."
Letter C, letter U.
Did you talk to him at all?
I tried, but he won't let me see him.
Told me to stay away.
- I'll go talk to him. - No, just,
I always run to you to solve my problems and it's not fair.
No, I'm sure that if I talk to him...
Just talk just talk to me.
That's all I want right now.
Okay.
To be broken up with like that,
especially after he was was so articulate.
It just doesn't make any sense.
Love rarely does.
I just read too many romantic stories.
I keep looking for Heathcliff and Mr. Darcy.
My standards are just too high, I guess.
I know a lot of people who need to lower their standards.
You are not one of them.
Thank you.
I should-I have to study. If I don't get into the same
college as my sister, my parents will probably lose their minds.
Ah yeah, yeah.
Um I should get going anyway.
Okay.
You going to be okay?
No, but I will be.
Thank you.
Hey I was talking to Bronwyn and-
if you need some help studying, I'll be here.
I'll be fine I'll be fine.
I won't tell anyone.
I'm just, look, I get it sorted out.
I'm a little behind, but it's okay.
Okay well, I'm here if you need me.
What the hell!?
Whoa!
You're right, that- that was rude.
How are you feeling?
Better.
The doctor said I should be able...
Dude! What the hell!
I know you didn't tell her.
No. I told you not to let her down, Christian.
I specifically said those exact words.
Yeah, I know. That's why did it.
She's never going to be happy with me.
Dude seriously, I feel nothing but relief right now.
Well, I mean agonizing back pain too,
but they give me stuff for that.
Good stuff?
Awesome stuff.
At least let me write the goodbye.
To give her some closure.
Sure. Yeah, that would be great.
Alright. Take it easy, man.
Are you going to tell her?
It's complicated.
No, man.
It really isn't, but hey you know, it's your call.
She's not going to hear anything from me.
Alright.
Ahhh, awesome huggage Dude!
Ahh, yeah. Tell anyone I hugged you
and I'll screw your student loan for life.
I got it. I'll see you around.
Tell her!
My dear Roxanne.
I'd like to apologies for my abrupt goodbye.
I was working under the ancient Greek ideal that
"Integrity is to be preferred to eloquence."
I didn't realize how that would hurt you.
I never meant to do that.
Roxy, you'll be graduating soon and you'll go to some far off
university on your way to a bright future.
I'm not even sure where I'll be and I couldn't live with myself
if I knew that I held you back in any way.
Seems that you and I were a dream and now we're both
waking up, finding ourselves on diverging paths.
Not meant to be.
As much as I need you I need you to be happy more.
So it's with the heaviest heart I must say goodbye.
Please respect this sacrifice by not pursuing it further.
Pursue your dreams instead.
Inspire others with your kindness and passion
the way you've inspired me.
And know that I'll always love you, even if it's from afar.
I remain yours always.
Christian.
Hey gorgeous.
I thought Tony Campbell was supposed to be my
lab partner this week.
Yeah, I gave him a little something for the switch.
Thought you might be lonely now that Newville dumped you.
I'm lonely.
Okay well, if I must be partnered with a caveman,
the least you can do is light a fire.
I'll do whatever you want.
You know, I light fires all the time.
My dad's got a condo by the lake.
Huge fire pit.
You should come up this weekend.
You punched my best friend in the face.
Yeah. Good times.
You know we can talk more about that this weekend.
It's not happening.
I'm totally free this weekend.
Okay, just mix 200 mils of this and 100 mils of that.
Ahmm, and I'll take notes.
So ahh, what has Newville got that I don't?
Class, intelligence, passion, eloquence.
More than just eloquence, he has integrity
and sometimes integrity is to be preferred to eloquence.
Yeah, he said that.
Christian?
No. Your buddy, Schnozz.
Cyrus said that?
Yeah. He says shit like that all the time.
That's why he gets punched in the face on people's lawns.
I am totally okay with you punching people.
This is turning blue.
Is it supposed to turn blue?
Write down blue.
Hey!
Bad day to be you, Bro.
Let's move him.
Quick, quick, go, go, go.
How are you feeling now, Dick nose?
Beep, beep.
So, thought it would be funny
to get me kicked off the football team, huh?
Embarrass me in front of the whole school.
You kicking the shit out of me,
I still think it's funny.
So it must be pretty funny.
Pick him up.
Wait, wait, wait. Before-
Before you commit your latest atrocity I want
you to know something.
When I graduate I'm going to find a software company
and you're going to go into your vibrant career as a gas jockey.
And when that happens, I'm gonna pull up in some stupid expensive
car and tell you to clean the bugs off my windshield.
And you're gonna do it.
This is as good as your life is ever going to get.
You greasy mouth breathing troll.
Go on. Do it!
Do your worst!
Oh shit.
I think you might have killed him, Mike.
Hi Mrs. Nolan.
Oh hey Sweetie. Cyrus isn't home yet,
but he should be soon. Come on it.
Okay, thanks.
Ahh, ohh, I, I can't stay. I have to study.
Uhm, I just loaned Cyrus some of my notes and I was just
wondering if I could go in and get them back.
Sure. Good luck finding anything in that rat's nest.
Thank you so much.
My dearest Roxanne.
First I must apologize for my abrupt goodbye.
That jerk!!
Everything okay down there?
Yeah, I'm fine thank you.
Did you find what you're looking for?
Yeah, I certainly did. Thank you, goodnight.
Wait.
I have cookies.
OK. Thank you.
Bye Sweetie.
Bye.
Hello.
Yes this is she.
Oh.
Oh my god.
Is he okay?
Is he awake? Is he conscious?
Don't say anything. It's okay.
You just rest. I'm here now.
You scared the shit out of me you jerk faced, weasel jerk.
Bronwyn, please.
Well he scared the shit out of me.
Yes I know. Go wait outside.
Stop scaring the shit out of me.
Bronwyn. He knows.
Go to the cafeteria. I will meet you there.
If you die-
I will kill you.
Your cousin loves you very much.
I can see that.
Do you need anything?
Yeah.
Who are you?
Oh, I'm kidding mom.
That was not funny.
The doctor says you just need to rest.
You have a very bad concussion.
It's very important that you stay in bed.
Can I have my laptop?
No, you can't.
Now your cousin and I have been here since last night so we're
going to go, get a bite to eat, but I'll be right back, okay.
What day is it?
Cyrus.
No, I actually don't know what day it is.
- It's Friday, around 5:30. - 5:30?
They brought you in yesterday.
The police said they wanted to talk to you,
but I told them not until tomorrow.
Okay.
I'll be back soon.
My poor boy.
You really did scare the shit out of us.
I know. I'm sorry.
You're late.
Oh! What happened to your face?
I was born with this nose.
No.
Oh, oh, ahh, ahh, skateboard thing.
I told you that thing will kill you.
This time you might be right.
I could use a coffee.
I already got you one.
Oh, yeah, good.
So, hows the Hemingway book?
Lots of moping and lunches and bull fights I suppose?
Two people who are supposed to love each other lying all the
time is not really my cup of tea.
I don't want tea.
I want coffee. I'm going to go get some.
Wait, Cyrus.
Oh. Coffee. What did I order?
You didn't.
Are you okay?
Yeah. I'm fine.
All night study session last night.
Ahh, tried to call you and tell you I was going to be late.
Um, my phone has been acting a little weird lately.
I haven't been getting messages.
Which is a pain you know, because open communication
between friends is really important.
Let me see.
Thank you.
Yeah, no problem.
You can just buy me a cup of coffee.
Another one?
Hmm, Oh coffee, good. That will help.
So what's new?
I saw Christian the other day.
He just pretended I wasn't there.
You know I thought he was the love of my life.
It was weird.
It felt like sometimes I was two different people.
Those were some heavy duty letters.
Yeah, you wouldn't think a guy like him could write
so beautifully.
"You're like a rose pressed between pages in an old
book of romantic poetry.
A startling beauty surrounded and nourished by words of love."
How did you remember that.
He told me about it.
Yeah, but that was word for word.
Three minutes ago you couldn't remember you already had coffee.
Yeah, I'd love one. Thank you.
Cyrus, what's going on?
I don't know.
Maybe it's in your settings.
Technology is a funny thing.
Feel closer to you than I've ever been,
but still so isolated.
What was that?
Maybe it's in your settings?
Read this.
Okay.
Out loud.
"Pursue your dreams instead.
Inspire others with kindness and generosity
the way you inspired me."
I know it was you.
Yes. No, no, no.
Possibly.
The letters, the emails, the messages, it was all you.
Why?
He loved you.
Who exactly did I love?
I thought you were my best friend, Cyrus,
but apparently that doesn't make me immune to your stupid
little pranks now does it?
That's not what happened.
Did he pay you? How much our friendship worth, Cyrus?
Okay. Don't get self-righteous with me.
You already were in love with him.
You think you're so above being shallow.
Yeah I want a man with, with the great soul, but you better
have washboard abs to go with it.
Oh!
You're just like every other girl, you just have more
pretentious quotes in your Pinterest page.
You manipulated me.
You believed it, because you wanted to believe it.
No, I believed it because no sane person would even think of
doing something like this.
You asked me to talk him for you.
I just gave him a little nudge.
Yeah, I loved you.
Him. I loved him.
Whatever, that was unbelievably cruel.
Okay, come off of it.
You live in this perfect little bubble that everyone
who happens to be good looking gets to live in.
And you have no idea how the real world works.
Oh god. Please don't tell me this is about your nose.
Let me tell you something about your nose, Cyrus.
You love that nose. It lets you get away with
the giant chip that's on your shoulder.
I never meant to hurt you.
What did you mean to do?
I fixed your phone.
Remember that guy that sent you a dick pic and I got him
kicked off the football team.
He remembers too.
Oh my god.
Am I in a coffee shop? Because what does a guy
have to do to get a cup of coffee around here.
Oh my god. Oh my god! Okay.
Hey, just don't move, okay. Just be...
Can someone call 911?
This is great.
I need to go, though. Next Friday?
Oh my god.
Hey.
How are you feeling?
Well, I'm awake, so that's a good start, I guess.
I'm glad.
I uhmm,
I have something I need to tell you.
Okay.
You're not going to see me for awhile.
Yeah, I know you, your parents are going to look at colleges.
No, I mean after that.
For how long?
I don't know.
What, like forever?
I know I screwed up but, if you can forgive me...
That's the problem, Cyrus, is that I probably will.
And then you'll go back to pulling stuff like this.
You should use your talent to help people,
not manipulate them.
I know I...
I know it was over the line...
Just forget about that whole disaster.
Look at you.
You almost died because of a stunt you pulled for me.
I just don't think that hanging around each other
is such a good idea.
I'm glad you're okay.
Can you do me a favor?
Anything.
Get your grades back up.
Go to a good school.
Just focus on you for a while okay?
Have a good life, Cyrus.
I was trying to help.
Please stop calling me.
Hey.
So, what was so important you couldn't tell me in a text.
You texted me.
Well...
we can't make fun of these people.
They're skating for charity.
Well, I mean, if we agree to make a sizable
donation to that charity.
Agreed. Let's start with that guy.
I'm going to call him Mr. Jorts.
Agent Jorts. Secret agent on wheels.
His arch enemy, Pot Hole.
You know what? Let me take that bag cause I think
somebody left something in the back yard for you.
Okay.
Hi Roxy.
You know this is literally the first time since I was
ten that I've allowed a video or photo of me.
You've always seen past my nose and it's time I did too.
I'm so sorry.
I will never lie to you again, I swear.
Every once in a while I will go to the skate park and see a guy
with his arm around a girl and get this wave of romantic
feelings and think, why not me?
So I'll rush home and change my shirt and check
myself in the mirror.
Tell myself today is day that I'm gonna do it.
And then all I see is this.
I remember why I don't allow a picture to be taken.
But this time I'm not backing down.
So here goes.
I love you.
Yeah, yeah, I know, you love me too.
We're good friends.
But I love you.
Love you in the Princess Bride sense of the word.
In a "I would bring down the stars and make a garden
for you to read in" sense of the word.
Even if we never speak again, I needed you to know that.
So enjoy your epic blanket fort.
You deserve it all, Roxy.
I'm offering you two sheep.
Two. For one stinking piece of oar. Don't be a jerk.
You already have the longest road. I'm not going to
give you oar so you can start building cities, willie nilly.
Willie nilly? Really? Is that something that
people who aren't in a retirement home say?
Willie Nilly is making a comeback.
Willie Nilly is going to be the name of my band.
Two sheep and a wheat. Final offer.
No, forget it. You get nothing. How's that, jerk.
Cyrus, how about you. Two sheep for one oar?
A simple no would have been fine, drama queen.
Wanna make out?
I'm realizing now there are only three words of all the
words written in all the books in all the world.
The only words that matter are "I love you."
Your words, Cyrus.
Not his.
You memorized that way better than he did.
Took days.
You lied to me.
Deliberately manipulated my feelings.
I know, I know. I'm so sorry.
I just wanted you to be happy.
Well that guy who wrote those texts,
I loved his soul, his wit, his passion.
That was you.
Was it all a lie?
No.
No not at all.
I had to get it off my chest.
I thought even if I, even if I wasn't the guy for you
that I could feel what it would be like to be with you.
Even with this giant thing on my face...
Cyrus. It's just a nose.
To you.
To me it was a wall.
A giant boulder blocking the gateway to everything
that I ever wanted.
Which is?
You.
Just, just you.
It's always been you.
I want to hear you say it in person. Don't make a joke.
Don't make an excuse, just tell me.
Did you mean what you sent me?
Every word.
You must be freezing.
No.
That's not why I'm shivering.
Oh, no, no.
Oh, yes, yes, yes. You're my guy now.
Wooo yeah!
Oh my god!
All wet over again.
You're soaked!
- Okay. - Okay.
Oww! Mother...
Jake...
Yeah?
Oops.
Aghhh!
Oh god!
Get out.
I, I, sorry.
I had a hair in my mouth.
So I'm all yeah right and she's all like no.
So I put down the skirt I was going to buy which was super
cute, BT dub and I text her yeah, and she was like, uhm, no.
And I was like, uhm, yeah.
And then she says no and I'm like...
Hold on.
Oh, hell yeah.
Kind of like Arnold, "Shut up you idiot."
Aghhh.
Subtitles by explosiveskull