This programme contains strong language and discriminatory language
You got it?Yep. Sure you're OK there? It's quite heavy.I'm fine.
Listen, I'm just thinking...
..shall we get the Christmas tree down while I'm up here?
Yes, all right, I suppose we could.
Right, I'll pass it down to you.
Ready?Give me a minute!
Just watch yourself with it.
Yes, all right, Eric, I'm not totally useless.
Everything OK?
Yep, all fine.
Do you not think it's a bit early to put it up?
I mean, it's not even December yet.
Pfft, it's fine. Who's going to notice?
KNOCKING
Christine. That's me definitely going.
Going where?
To Ireland.
For God's sake, Beth, do you not listen to a thing I tell you?
Of course I do. We're in the middle of a big clear out
and I'm just a wee bit busy.
Right, OK, I'll come in and I'll talk you through the arrangements.
But I cannot stay long.
Right.
Are you putting your Christmas tree up?
It's a bit early, is it no?
Yes, well, we were up in the loft anyway,
so we just thought we might as well.
Oh, you see, I always follow what the church does,
and they put it up 12 days before.
No, you're thinking of Twelfth Night.
That's when you take it down.
Yes, a church puts theirs up on the first Sunday of December.
Do they? Mm.
Well, that's awful early.
I think I'll have to have a word with Father Haggarty about that.
I don't think it was ever up that early in Father Kowalski's day.
But he really was a religious man.
Where is it he is now?
B&Q, Nitshill. Ah.
But I don't think I'll bother putting up a tree this year,
what with me not being here. What's this?
I'm going to visit my cousin Dearbhla in Ireland
for Christmas, Eric.
Oh, it's fantastic, Christine.
Oh, I know, Beth.
And to think, if Dearbhla hadn't sent that saliva sample off
to Ancestry.com we might never have known that we were related.
Imagine if she'd had a dry mooth that day.
Er, whereabouts are they?
County Galway, Eric. Oh.
I get the train to Stranraer, a ferry to Larne,
a bus into Belfast and then coach down to Galway.
Oh! A bit of a trek, that!
So, er, will it be Dearbhla's whole family?
Oh, yes.
Her husband, Eoin, now he's got his own plumbing business,
so I will be looking forward to a bath.
That's definitely on the list.
And then there's her twin girls, Maeve and Aoife.
Aw. It'll be nice to meet them because they're actually my...
What is it? My first cousins.
No, no, no, second.
Oh, aye, I'm forgetting they're twins.
Well, you'll have a great time, I'm sure.
Oh, I hope so, Eric.
I must say, I am looking forward to it.
Although it will be strange not being at home on Christmas Day.
Oh. I know you're always keen to have me in here, Beth,
so I do feel a bit guilty that I might be letting you down.
Are you sure you're OK with me going?
You're all right... We'll be fine!
Well, I think it's time we get down to discussing what bag
I'm taking, eh?
Ah, well, the thing is, Christine... DOORBELL RINGS
Ah, who's this interrupting us?
That's no you got your Christmas tree up already, is it, Beth?
Beth!Well, uh-huh...
It's a bit early, is it not? Mm.Well, we were up in the loft...
Do you know? Just let her do it, Col,
it'll brighten up that dingy front room.
I suppose so.
It's OK, Beth, that's fine.
If it gives you something to look forward to, that's OK.
Should we go in and see it? Oh....
She'll be put out if we don't. You know what she's like.
Right, we'll just come in for a minute and see it, Beth.
Apparently, the cooked breakfasts onboard
the Stena Line are excellent.
Ah.Irene up the high flats told me,
they serve a black pudding that is technically illegal on dry land.
Ah, here he is - wee elf here, helping you put your tree up, Beth.
He's far too big for an elf, Col.
Oh, and there's Christine... Ah.How are you doing?
Oh, no bad, Colin.
That is me all booked up for Ireland for Christmas.
You're going to Ireland for Christmas, are you?
Oh, yes, I'm staying with my cousin, Dearbhla in Galway.
Oh, that's nice, you're not going to be here, Christine.
You'll be having a bit of the black stuff over there, eh?
Remember, we went to the Guinness factory
when we were in Dublin, Cath?
Oh, God, that place? Oh, I will not be going back there.
Oh, why not?
Only serves fucking Guinness.
So is this you getting all set for Christmas, then?
What's the plans?
Ah, well, nothing special.
It's just the two of us, so just, you know, traditional.
Traditional?
Well, you've no made a very good start putting your tree up
this fucking early.
And what about you two? Do you know what you're doing?
We're going to that same hotel again on Christmas Day
because we quite like it, don't we?
It's really festive how they decorate it all.
And you get steak instead of turkey,
a cocktail instead of Christmas pudding,
and there's a massive smoking section out by the nativity.
The problem we've got is we don't know what presents to get.
Well, I'm fine just with money.
No. I mean for each other.
Yeah, we're not getting you anything, Eric.
You see, we've already got everything, haven't we?
Mm.Oh, poor you, right enough.
I always get Colin pants for Christmas
but I can't get any more in the drawer.No.
And you can't exactly take the old ones to the charity shop, can you?
No, they don't take them.
Well, certainly the British Heart Foundation don't,
though Irene did tell me about a website
where there seems to be quite a lot of interest.
We were just going up to the charity shop
once we'd finished the tree.
Are you getting yourself something, Beth?
Well, it is finished, really, apart from turning on the lights.
OK, then, let's see the big switch on.
Come on, Eric, up off your fat arse.
Here, Beth, this reminds me of that time we saw Marti Pellow
switch on the lights in Clydebank. Do you remember that, Beth?
I do.
I'm no actually sure whether he was on the heroin at that point
because we were quite far back, you know.
Right, are we all ready?
Aye. Yeah. Aye, go on. Come on, Eric!
Oh...Oh.
Ah, well, you know, you could always stop by the dump as well.
I don't know how much longer I'm going to manage
getting in and out of this seat, Alan.
You want to start getting in the back?
No, I mean you might need to get a car
or get on my insurance or something.
Oh, aye, right, right.
I'm really starting to struggle on the stairs as well.
You maybe chucked the gym too soon.
Look! Beth's got her Christmas tree up.
Do you think we should go over
and say a wee quick hello and see it?
Nah.
We've got a nice picture of us in front of the Oscar Wilde statue
in Dublin, haven't we? Aye.
Oh, you know, my favourite quote of his is
is when he was going through customs in America and he said,
"I have nothing to declare but my genius."
Well, I preferred the statue of Molly Malone.
You go up, rub her tits, brings you luck.
Oh, for God's sake.
I did as well.
We went to Temple Bar after that, we didn't get hassled by one beggar.
Mm.
DOORBELL RINGS
I'll go.
Oh, hello, you two!
Or should that be two and a half?
She's some size now, in't she, Eric?
Train to Stranraer, ferry to Larne, bus to Belfast, coach to Galway.
Oh, my God, I'd need a flight to Switzerland after that.
That's a proper Irish road trip, that.
It is, Colin.
But, do you know, I now feel I've got a really deep connection
to Ireland, now that I know for sure that I've got Irish blood in me.
If you're going to Galway, would you no be better flying to Shannon?
Where's that?
Oh! Hi, Michelle. Hi, Alan.
Hi!
Hello, everyone.
Sorry to just appear at your door, Beth.
Oh, don't worry about that, no-one else does.
How are you, Michelle?
Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Just so tired all the time.
Oh, yeah, you do look really knackered.
Come and sit down, Michelle.
Come on.Yeah, there we go.
Sit down there. How's you, Alan, eh? Everything all right?
Aye, all right. Just back from the garage with the van.
Oh, no, something wrong with it?
Somebody ran into the back of me, Eric. Oh...
Oh, my God, what happened?
Were you eating a sausage roll while you were driving, Alan?
No, I was coming off the motorway to go through the tunnel
and there was a wee jam, so I had to slow right down.
Next thing I know, somebody's ran into the back of me.
Oh!And they'd be on their phone, no doubt.
Aye. And see the force of it,
mine's flew right out my hand, under the seat.
They took their time fixing it at the garage, didn't they? Mm.
Alan was late picking me up from antenatal class.
Oh, no.
Ah, it's fine, Beth, you cannae see the dent at all.
So, anyway, how are you guys doing? How's Ian?
Oh, he's fine, aye.
He's coming over to have a look through his old stuff
before we junk it.
Are you trying to get rid of every trace of him, Eric?
Have you any baby stuff, Eric?
Because maybe Alan and Michelle might want that.
I remember she used to have him in a lot of brown, Michelle.
Eric, it's fine. I've ordered loads of stuff already, actually.
You know, all the wee babygrows and the jammies and the wee onesies.
They're just all so cute, aren't they?
Oh, they are, Michelle.
Well, until they soil them.
Have you made any decisions on names, Michelle?
No, because we still can't seem to agree on anything, can we?
But if it's a boy, I like the name Lewis.
Good Scottish name, that.
Do you no think it sounds a bit like "loos", though, Eric?
And are you definitely sure you don't want to find out
what you're having, Michelle?
I mean, that would make it a bit easier.
No, I just don't want to know.
No, I'm not that interested either, Michelle.
Can I get you a tea or a glass of water or something?
I'd take a water off you if it's not too much trouble, Beth?
Er, what about the rest of us, Beth?
Aye, here, have you got any mince pies?
A wee cup of tea and a mince pie, that'd be nice. Mm.
Well, the thing is... Oh, aye, a tea and a mince pie,
I wouldnae say no! Eh, first of the season.
Aw, I fucking hate mince pies.
Have you got the ones with the brandy in them, Beth?
Oh, I'd take one of them, though.
No, you see... You know, I love the ones
with all the cream on the top. Oh, have you tried them?
Oh, I like the sound of them.
Have you got any of them, Beth?
I haven't got any mince pies.
Oh...Aw!
You cannae invite us all in here, saying it's the start of Christmas
and not have any Christmas stuff in for us.
We didn't do that!
You've got your tree up, Eric - that sends a message.
It's like the swingers with the pampas grass.
Yes, Eric, shut your face.
Is that really a thing, that, the pampas grass?
I thought it was just like one of those things folks say.
Oh, no, no, no, no. There's a couple round the new-builds that had it
and they were very, very active...
..apparently.
Beth, don't worry about the water, actually, I'm fine.
Aye, and it makes the baby kick, then she goes on about it.
Don't be daft, of course I'll get you a glass of water.
And I'm happy to do teas and coffees for anyone who's wanting,
I just don't have any mince pies.
I mean, we were just clearing out the loft,
not declaring that it was officially Christmas.
I mean, I'd like to have the power to do that,
but I'm afraid I don't, OK?
Beth?
You don't even have a wee tub of Celebrations or nothing, no?
DOORBELL RINGS
A bit early with the tree, are you not?
What is it, just feeling Christmassy?
I wish we'd never bothered, to be honest.
Quality Street is what I used to get when it was just Sophie
and me, you know?
Oh, the green ones were my favourite. I used to love them.
Aw, and what about Sophie? What ones were hers?
All the other ones.
Oh, right, not like you to have a houseful.
Hi, son.Hi, Ian.
Hiya, Dad. Hi, Colin. Hi, Cathy.
How are you doing, Ian? Och, I'm fine.
How are you guys? Everything OK?
Yeah, I'm fine, I'm just feeling... No really, Ian.
Somebody went into the back of my van.
Oh, no. I know. I just got it back today.
You weren't in it at the time, were you? No.
Oh, well, could've been worse. Well, you're saying that,
but that was two full days it was aff the road.
Anyway, how are you doing, Ian? How's Gordon?
Aye, he's good, he's coming over here to meet me after college.
Oh, is he still enjoying it?
Oh, aye, he's loving it.
I'm not loving being the only one earning, though.
Oh... And you'll be on a very poor wage as it is, Ian.
What did he pack his job in for anyway, Ian?
Och, basically he just wasn't happy.
Oh, you see, this is the new thing, isn't it?
You don't like something, you just stop doing it.
Never used to be like that. No, you just kept going, that was your lot,
you just had to accept it.
Like you with Eric, Beth.
Right, listen, you want to look through this stuff
from the loft before we throw it out?
Oh, right, now? Oh...
OK, where is it? I'll go get it.
So, what are you and Gordon up to for Christmas, then?
Oh, just having a quiet one, to be honest.
We did invite them but they said no.
Och, Gordon's got an assignment to do over the holidays,
sort of taking over everything at the minute.
What's it on? That's the thing, he can't make up his mind.
Do you think he's quite a weak person, Ian?
We got rid of a lot of other stuff,
but we weren't sure whether you'd want to keep any of this.
God, my old laptop.
I remember the year you got me this.
I remember going to Curry's out at Renfrew to get it.
Oh, that is a nice store, that.
Me and Pat went there to get Sophie her Gameboy.
That was the big present that year.
And did you get her one?
No, they were sold out so I just got her a LadyShave instead.
And if I remember right, I think Pat got some Hoover bags.
God, I can remember taking the wrapping off it.
And then straight upstairs and onto the porn, eh, Ian?
Ian, gay porn on Christmas Day.
We didn't want to just throw it out.
No, no, no, listen, he could have some good stuff on it, Eric.
Look, I'll take this but you can get rid of the rest.
Oh, are you sure?
That hat and scarf set was a present as well,
and I don't think you've ever worn them.
Ian!He was always a very ungrateful wee boy, Michelle.
I remember I gave him a banana once
and he just threw it behind the hut.
You'll need to get your mum something decent for that
this year, Ian, to make up for that.
Just get her a bottle of rose, Ian. That's what we do,
and she always seems genuinely quite happy.
Sorry, Mum, I'll take those as well.
Oh, well, if you're sure.
And if you don't like them, maybe Gordon will.
Yeah, he's got no fashion sense at all, Ian.
I still don't understand how he's starting college at his age.
I mean, is he no too old?
He's a mature student.
Yeah, exactly, he's a mature student.
HUMMING
Hello, how's it going?
Are we going just now or am I coming in?
Oh, I'm coming in, aren't I? Righto.
I get the train to Stranraer, ferry to Larne, bus to Belfast,
coach down to Galway.
Pfft, well, that's a hoor of a trip, that.
Alan. It's a fair way, Alan, but when it is family,
it is worth all the effort.
Quite right. And, you know, you'll be like Santa
coming down from the North Pole with your big sack of Christmas presents.
I'll no need to buy them all presents, will I?
Hi, Gordon. Oh, hiya, Gordon. Hi, hi.
Gordon, what's that you've got on your head?
Oh, it's my helmet. I came on my scooter.
You came here by scooter? Um, yeah.
It'll be one of those e-scooters. Ooh!
I quite fancy one myself.
Is it an e-scooter you've got, Gordon?
No, it's just a regular one.
Aw. Oh.
Gordon, come here a minute. Come here.
That's you. It was, er, sticking up a bit.
So how's your course going, Gordon?
Yeah, good, yeah.
What is it you're studying again?
Sociology and literature.
Oh, right, you not bothered about getting a job after, are you?
Ian says you've got an assignment to do?
Oh, yeah. I haven't made up my mind what to do it on yet.
It's meant to be something on cultural change,
but it's such a big subject.
Oh, God, yeah.
What about Emmerdale going onto YouTube?
I don't think that's the sort of thing Gordon's
studying on his course, Christine.
So it's literature you're doing, is it?
I'll tell you a good book - what's that one I read on holiday?
Oh, fuck that, you wouldn't put that down. He was reading it in bed!
I know, I got right into it, so I did.
I know what it was. It was Duncan Bannatyne's autobiography.
Have you read that, Gordon?
Er, no. What about Maeve Binchy? You read any of hers?
All set in Ireland.
They'll no be doing Maeve Binchy books on a literature course.
Why not? There's fucking tonnes of them.
Er, I see you've got your Christmas tree up, Mrs Baird.
Well... It's awful early, is it not, Gordon?
You've no got yours up, have you?
Well, no, but...
Yeah, it's also shit.
Look at the state of it!
Oh, it'll look great when you've got the rest of the decorations up.
You're not saying this is it, are you?
Well, we were having a clear out
and there was decorations there that we'd had for years and...
They were a bit tatty.
Erm, if you throw out everything tatty,
you're not going to have anything left.
Aw, Beth, we've got absolutely loads of Christmas decorations
if you want some. Haven't we, Alan?
Aye, she cannae go past them in the shop without buying them.
It's the same with toilet rolls. We've got hundreds of them.
Ah, no, that's very kind, Michelle.
Look, we've got piles of old ones as well.
Aye. You could always have mine, Beth,
since I'm going to be in Ireland.
Alan, away you go and get some for Beth and Eric.
Michelle, no, we...
Aw, honestly, Eric, it's fine, we've got way more
than we've got room to put up, so...
Come on, Eric, it's fucking miserable in here.
Are we ready? Yes, come on.
Yay.Aw. Woo.
That's proper Christmassy now, isn't it?
Well, not till we get a bottle open!
What about you, boys? Oh, shh! I won't tell anyone
you're driving your scooter drunk, Gordon.
SHE REVS
Yeah, I'll take one, if that's OK with you, Michelle.
Aw, yeah, you guys go ahead. I'll just stick to my water.
Did you not realise that being pregnant was going
to be really boring, Michelle?
Is it OK if I have a lager?
Of course it is, Alan.
Are you just saying that now and you'll give me a row later,
or do you really mean it?
I think I've got a bottle of fizz in the fridge.
Woo!
You know when I think it feels like Christmas is coming -
when you hear the Christmas songs on the radio.
Yeah, I love Christmas songs.
Hey, Eric, have you got that Christmas album?
Aye, I think I do.
Aye, as long as you havenae thrown it out.
Yes, Eric, you big stupid donkey.
So when is it you're off to Ireland, Christine?
Oh, not until the 21st, Michelle.
Oh, God, it's just so exciting.
You're going to have such a brilliant time.
We loved Dublin, didn't we?
Aye, we were saying earlier, Alan, that the Guinness that you get
in the Guinness factory isn't like anywhere else.
Aye, it's 20 fucking Euro.
MUSIC: Wonderful Christmastime by Paul McCartney
Aw!
Hey!Oh!
Right, everyone want one?
Please.
Thank you.
Sorry, Michelle.
Oh, Beth, don't worry, I'm fine. I like my water.
It's all right, Michelle.
You can get pissed again once the baby's here.
Well, this is a bit more like it, eh? Cheers, everybody.
Cheers!Cheers!
Here, Beth, could you go and get me that wee glass that I like?
I don't like the way this one feels in my hand.
Oh, for...
Thanks. Here, I hope you won't be so fussy over in Ireland, Christine,
or they'll send you back.
Dad, stick it on to the next song.
I can't be bothered with this one, it goes on for ages.
MUSIC: I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday by Wizzard
Oh, no, no, no, Col. No, no, no, I hate this one. Get it off.
She hates this.
Why do you not like it, Cathy?
I don't like the sound of children singing, Gordon.
MUSIC: Merry Xmas Everybody by Slade
Now this, this is a classic.
Oh, does this one no do your head in?
What, do you not like it, Alan?
Och, it's all right but you hear it everywhere you go, don't you?
It is a bit ubiquitous, yes.
I'll tell you one that you hear everywhere - Band Aid.
Oh, it was amazing what they did with that.
Yes. Mm-mm.
Although, there is a bit of a backlash against it now.
Against Band Aid?
Is it because Bono's a wank? Alan!
Well, he is but.It's just they think it may be did more harm
than good, because it made people feel they'd solved the problem
of global inequality when, in actual fact,
it's worsened with the impact of climate change.
Plus there's the whole white saviour thing, which is quite toxic as well.
Oh...
I didn't realise it was so controversial.
Well, it's an interesting debate. I personally think that...
MUSIC: Fairytale Of New York by The Pogues
This is the best one ever.
Oh, I do like this.
What is it?The Pogues.
Mm?Shane MacGowan.
Always pissed? Oh, him, yes.
Here's a couple of names for you, Michelle.
What? Well, Shane for a boy or Kirsty for a girl.
Oh, a good Irish name, that, Michelle - Shane.
Actually, I quite like those.
Oh, aye, wee Shane Edgar.
It sounds good, din't it? Or Kirsty.
Aye, that's all right and all.
Here, Christine, this is the one where the choir's singing
Galway Bay - that's where you'll be at Christmas.
Oh, here, so it is.
Christine, it's just going to feel really weird
you being away at your cousin's for Christmas.
Beth?
Do you think it's going to be OK?
What do you mean? Well, me going to Dearbhla's.
Because, well, it's just I know that sometimes I can be
a wee bit demanding. Oh, Christine...
But what if they end up wishing they'd never made contact with me
and cannae wait to see the back of me?
You're going to have a wonderful time.
Christmas is for families, and they're your family.
They're going to be thrilled you're there.
Do you think so? Yes.
Here, Beth, you know how I'm getting the train to Stranraer
and then getting the ferry...
Yes - train to Stranraer, ferry to Larne,
bus to Belfast and coach to Galway.
Are you OK to give me a lift into the station?
Yes.
Are you OK there, Gordon? Any problem with this song?
Well, it depends which version it is. What?
Well, there's a word in the song that's quite offensive, so...
What word?Well, I don't really want to say it.
I think I know what it is.
What is it, Beth?Is it scumbag?
What is wrong with scumbag?
It rhymes with maggot...
It rhymes with maggot?
Maybe just forward it on to the next one.
What rhymes with maggot?
I know, I know!
What is it? It begins with an F, Christine.
Fuckwit?
Look, maybe just put it off, Dad.
What is it?
What's wrong with that?
It's quite offensive, especially to gay people.
I thought it was "poofter" was the one that yous didnae like.
Och, it's getting to the point you cannae say anything
without offending someone.
Oh, here we go.
Well, it's ridiculous.
I mean, you cannae even have a bit of homophobic swearing
in a Christmas song any more.
I think it's more we're just becoming more aware
of how the things we say impact on other people,
and a recognition that some terms that were once in common usage
were, in fact, offensive, frankly.
We should probably make a move.
What other words can we not say, Gordon?
Well, it's not up to me.
What about fanny?
If someone was to call you a silly fanny,
would you be offended by that?
Cathy. Well, I wouldn't really be offended, but, I mean,
if we're going to get into it, I don't really think anyone
should be using a female body part as an insult.
Does that mean that you cannae say cu...?Christine!
What about dick? Can you still call someone a dick?
That's less bad.
Oh, thank God for that.
I say dick quite a lot, don't I?
Uh-huh. Aye, me as well, Alan. Aye.
Why is dick not as bad, Gordon?
Well, it's that men have, historically,
been the dominant gender so the...
What about wanker, Gordon?
Because technically that's either, isn't it?
Arsehole? You know, we've all got one of those.
And where would the gays be withoot them? Oh, for...
I really think we should head...
You know what I think, Gordon?
What?!
I think you should do your assignment on all of this.
Language and all that, how it's changed.
You really know what you're talking about.
Well, I don't think that's...
I can't really see how that would...
Actually, that's a really good idea.
Don't forget your hat and scarf.
Ah, yeah, see about that...
Do you mind if we don't do presents this year?
Oh, right.
Yeah, it's just we're a bit skint this year with me being at college.
Is that why you're not coming over on Christmas Day?
Kind of, yeah.
Do not worry about presents but come over for dinner,
we'd love to have you.
Right, OK.
Thank you. Cheers, Mum.
Erm, no hugs for me, Gordon?
Oh!
That's a nice kiss for you as well.
Bye, Ian.
Oh, is that your scooter, Gordon?
Yeah. Ooh! I wonder if Col would like one of those?
Oh, my God, I could get him one for his Christmas.
Col! Col! Come and get a look at Gordon's scooter!
What's happening?
I think Colin's going to have a go on Gordon's scooter.
Oh, I'd quite like to see that.
I haven't been on one of these for years.
Go on, Col.
HE GIGGLES
Whee!
Woo!
Oh!
CRASHING Oh!
Oh, my fucking van!
# The boys of the NYPD choir still singing Galway Bay
# And the bells are ringing out for Christmas Day. #