[theme music plays]
[George] Boom.
Can you make it normal next time?
I'm gonna be 12 in a month.
Okay. 12-year-old boys don't like
little mouse pancakes. Got it.
Dad…
can I please have a paintball party for my birthday?
I told you, I have no problem with it,
but I need to discuss it with your mom again, okay?
And she's leaning more towards the Pottery Corner. So…
Thank you for letting me sleep in this morning, guys.
-Yeah. -I really needed that.
Morning [speaks Farsi].
Morning. [laughs]
-Mom… -What?
Dad said I can have a paintball party for my birthday.
Oh.
All right. Orion, I told you
I need to confirm it with your mother first.
You guys ruin everything, I hate you.
-Honey. -It's what he wants.
It's his birthday.
What would I tell the other parents? That's so violent.
Anyway, I already booked Pottery Corner.
Come on, babe, they're 12-year-old boys.
I think that other parents will understand
-if they would all rather… -Rather what?
Hone their killing skills? Come on.
If every boy who played paintball turned into a killer,
there'd be no room left in juvie.
[scoffs] Juvie. You know what you sound like
when you say stuff like that, Will?
[scoffs] No, Yasmin, what do I sound like?
Like an old white man.
Well, I am a 44-year-old white Irish male,
so technically, that does make me an old white man.
So you are correct. And this old white man,
who 100% stands behind gun control reform,
believes that his 12-year-old boy
should be able to play paintball with his buddies
because--wait for it--little boys like to play with guns.
They always have, and they always will.
Okay. I'm just saying,
no one should be playing with guns right now,
even if they're plastic.
Okay. All right. Fine.
If you feel this strong about it, I'll tell Orion it's a no go.
All right, but not because he's gonna be a killer,
or because I give a crap what the other parents think,
but because you're his mom,
and you're a great mom,
and I love you.
And as far as my big white privilege goes…
Oh, my gosh. Are you serious right now?
Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
Ew. I heard everything.
[chuckling]
You guys are disgusting.
-Sorry, buddy. -God. [chuckles]
♪♪♪
Kai?
Oliver? Sarah?
Watch this. [laughs]
-I'm gonna trick Mom… -Oh, my God, she's gonna find it.
-No! -No.
-[on tablet] Dawn! -Hello?
Uh, hello? Good morning, guys.
-[kids] Morning, Mom. -Anybody want breakfast?
Sarah made us eggs in a hole.
That's what she said.
[Ell] Really, Oliver? This early in the morning?
Where's your dad, Oliver?
Slipped out again.
Okay, because he's gonna have to fold up his tent
if he's not using it.
[on tablet] Go to your room, now!
What are you guys watching?
"Hanging with the Sobies."
It's a YouTube family reality show.
They prank each other and stuff. It's so funny, Mom.
So--okay, so basically that's Dawn.
She's 14, and her mom just found out she's pregnant.
Oh my God. That's awful.
Uh, yeah. Dawn's very complicated.
It's fake. She's tricking her. She's not knocked up.
She left a fake positive pregnancy test
on the edge of her sink, knowing her mom would find it.
-[on TV] You're pregnant?! -[on TV] Well, what if I am?
Okay, so basically they're, like, wannabe
pranking Kardashians, right?
I just--I'm so bored by rich people.
What? Mom, everyone loves them.
They have like 500K followers, okay? And honestly,
I wish I had their life instead of this crappy one.
W-what?
Code red.
It's her period.
[on TV] You're so gullible, Mom.
You almost gave me a heart attack!
Can you believe they shot it all on an iPhone?
How can you walk around with your feet looking like that?
I am so sorry.
Can't tell what she's thinking behind that thing.
Maybe that's why they wear it.
Or do you think it's because of that Chinese flu?
[whispers] Mom.
They're from Korea.
And they wear those masks
because nail salons are super toxic.
You say that like it's my fault somehow.
No. [scoffs]
I warned you, Anne.
When you told me you were gonna get married,
I said that boy is too young and too poor for a girl like you.
You're not Jewish.
Although you could've fooled me.
I always told you that your father not being Jewish
was my single greatest regret.
But you wanted a child. You were getting to that age.
Mom, can you please stop?
You know, I think I'm just gonna leave them plain.
Thank you.
Your feet will look unfinished without polish.
Why don't you try my color?
She'll have the Jungle Red, too.
Yes?
Jungle Red.
Yeah.
[in Korean] What a cunt!
[in English] I think I'm gonna have them plain.
They're my feet.
You always take things the wrong way.
[scoffs]
One day, I'm just gonna have enough
and I'm just gonna stop trying, and giving.
Well, who knows? Maybe I'll be the one
who's finally had enough.
Finished, just buff and shine.
Thank you. They look great.
Oh, by the way, I was thinking,
I should take back that Murano vase.
It's a very expensive piece,
and with all the comings and goings at your house…
No offense.
No offense taken.
-Yeah, I'd like you to have it. -Yeah.
Yeah. I think it would look better in your house.
Okay.
♪♪♪
[Anne chuckles] Hi.
Hey.
-How you doing? -I'm good. How are you?
I'm good. I'm trying to get my immune system
back on track, though.
I just spent a week in a musty cellar inventorying wine.
-Does that work? -Oh, my God.
Yeah, this is amazing stuff.
You get my email about the Salton Sea exhibit tonight?
Oh, no, I'm so sorry.
I've just been…uch, dealing with life.
Life. Sucks all the life out of you.
-[chuckles] It can. Yeah. -Yeah.
-You feeling okay? -Oh.
This is actually for my au pair.
Yeah, she's, um… she's pregnant.
-Ah. -Yeah. Nineteen,
doesn't know who the father is,
and not even sure if she wants to keep it.
-Hmm. -Yeah, she's turned into my second kid.
[sighs] Do you have kids?
No.
-No? -No.
Do you want kids?
Well, I'm 52, so that would have to involve a younger woman,
which, uh, would not be fair
to the attractive women in their 40s.
[chuckles]
-Yeah, late. -Late 40s.
50s are beautiful. [laughs]
-Yeah. -Yeah.
So what do you think? Tonight? You up for it?
Yeah, I don't have my son, so I'm good. Yeah.
Great. Meet me at the gallery, 6:00 PM?
-Yes. -It's in the email.
-Okay. -All right.
-I'll see you then. Bye. -Bye.
[Jerry] You know, we're lucky. This editor is a big deal.
Just hope there's an elevator in this place.
I've been thinking about it, I really think
that we need to go in there and the first thing
you need to tell them is that we're gonna tone down
-the existential nonsense, okay? -[Justine] Wait, wait, wait.
No, but listen, I really wanna talk to him about this
because I just think it's what makes the book special.
I just hope they have a bathroom in there
because I had a horrible conversation with Rebecca.
-[pants] -Wait…[sighs]
Are you guys still-- are you back together?
She's the love of my life, Justine.
Okay.
So, first of all…
I want to say how much I love the existential tone.
The self-deprecating humor, fantastic.
So unique for a cookbook.
I can only agree.
And the prose! No half cup of this, two tablespoons of that.
Well, that's why I don't bake.
You know, cooking is so much more intuitive.
You've positioned yourself smack in the center
of the cultural zeitgeist.
A complicated female chef with a dark sense of humor?
That's gold right now.
In my opinion, you could go even more absurd,
almost Kafkaesque.
Well, I--I don't know about like cockroaches and cooking.
Camusesque, then?
Yeah, that bit about giving birth to a quail.
-I kept that. -Yeah.
Does anybody want an antacid?
-No, thanks. -Gone are the days
of the happy, chubby Jamie Oliver.
Just do me a favor, please don't kill yourself.
I need you out there promoting this.
And tomorrow for the photo shoot,
we've locked in a fantastic photographer and everything.
-[chuckles] Amazing. -Fantastic.
I'm so excited.
-In a dark way. -Just don't kill yourself.
[chuckling]
♪♪♪
[phone buttons beeping]
[line ringing]
[quietly] Darien, this is not what I signed on for.
I'm translating carpet deals?
Really?
So, sometimes a carpet is not just a carpet.
Well, it better not be in this case or otherwise
they're completely wasting my time.
No, Will and I are doing great, why are you asking?
-[Orion] Mom, bye. -I got to go.
I'm coming down to give you a kiss, [speaks Farsi].
All right. We'll meet you in the front.
[Anne] I really wanna go to the Salton Sea now.
No, no, no.
The more people go, the more people kill it.
That's the vicious circle.
Okay. I will not go. [chuckles]
Should uh-- should we head back?
Yeah.
Yeah. I'll call an Uber.
No, come on. Let's walk back.
-Walk? -Yes, walk.
It's kind of sketchy, don't you think?
Come on.
All right, I tell you what. Are you ready for this?
Mm-hmm.
-May I? -[laughs]
You're gonna feel…
fully protected. Yes?
-[Anne] [chuckles] You're weird. -[Adam] One step, two step.
[Adam] I'm glad you came.
[Anne] [chuckles] Yeah, I am, too. It was fun.
[Adam] You tell me the most enjoyable moment
-so far in your life. -[Anne] Oh, my God.
-[Adam] Yeah. -[Anne] That's crazy.
Uh…giving birth. Yeah.
[Adam] Ohh…
-[Anne] Yeah. -[Adam] All right.
[Anne] So incredible.
[Adam] That's pretty beautiful, okay.
[Anne] Yeah. You can't do that, can you?
-[Adam] No. No. -[Anne laughs]
There isn't even a story I have that could top that.
-That could ever come close, right? -No. That's--that's everything.
-Yeah. -What a beautiful answer.
-All right. -Yeah.
-[sighs] -[groans]
[sighs]
-So what do you do again? -[chuckles]
Sometimes I work for a Swiss guy,
and he's really into Chinese furniture…
-Yeah. -and wine.
Uh-huh.
I learned a lot from working with him. You know.
What I don't want for my life, all that stuff.
The things, the homes, the dependents.
Hmm.
Yeah, that's why I only work two or three months of the year
and the rest of the time
I'm traveling and lecturing.
What are you lecturing about?
I wrote a book.
Wow, a book.
It's called, No Home, No Sweat.
-Hmm. -It's about minimalism.
So, where do you live?
Nowhere and everywhere.
So, are you…
without a home?
The world is my home.
Are you home--
You're homeless.
♪♪♪
Justine.
Thomas?
It's Thomaso.
Oh, you're Italian.
[in Italian]
-Oh, okay. -Justine, hi.
-Hi. I'm Ford, Thomaso's assistante.
Okay. Hi.
Any trouble finding the place or anything?
-No, no, no. It was all good. -Keys?
Anything I can get you to drink--coffee, water, tea?
-No, I'm good. -I have to tell you,
-I love your cassoulet recipe. -Mmm.
Oh, thank you.
I'mma go tell everyone you're here.
The queen of the cassoulet is here, everyone.
-It's beautiful here. -Yeah, yeah.
-Damn it. -So in terms of mood,
I was thinking Saint-Tropez, 1970s,
with all that beautiful golden light.
[chuckles] Actually I've never been to Saint-Tropez.
I'm from Brittany originally and it's always cloudy over there.
That can be our little secret.
I was thinking a touch of David Hamilton
with a La Madrague feel.
Didn't David Hamilton kill himself
because he was accused of molesting those young girls?
-Let's forget about him. -Okay.
But, um, Virgin Suicides with a European feel.
Thomaso, you know, I'm almost 50.
Ooh! [stammers] I don't wanna know.
-Okay. -Justine,
I'm gonna take care of you
but you have to trust me. Hmm?
I'm gonna make you look stunning.
And everyone's gonna want to make
all your little delicious creations, all right?
And you're gonna love Diane.
She's our hair person. She's a genius with extensions.
[gasps] [in Italian]
-Oh, children. -[boy] Rawr!
-Two kids. -Those are prop children.
Prop children. Well, in real life, I just have one kid.
Yeah. We thought that one child might read a little bit sad.
Oh, chickens. [chuckles]
Am I supposed to cook for them or to cook them?
You cook everything with fresh eggs and chickens lay…
-Eggs. -Eggs. [chuckles] Fantastic.
Oh, thank you.
[woman on YouTube] No chips, Dawn. I don't want you breaking out.
[Dawn] I'm starving.
[Mom] Have an apple.
[Dawn] You care about my skin all of a sudden?
I don't want you running around with a face full of pimples.
[Dawn] Why?
Put the chips away.
[Dawn] Because Oasis is one of our new sponsors, hmm?
[mouths word] Sponsors?
[Dawn] It's all about money, money, money for you.
You know, that $25,000 from Oasis
is going straight in your college fund.
You know, that $25,000 from Oasis
is going straight in your college fund, okay?
Yes, yes, yes.
Stay there.
Yes, yes.
Caress the carrot. Caress the carrot.
More dirt on the carrots, please. More dirt.
Switch cameras. Thank you.
Stay there. Stay there. Yes. Yes.
Take the glasses off.
It's really not…okay.
Just for…ooh. Okay.
More, more with the tree, more.
Yes. There, stay there.
[in French] One, two, three. Say "cheese."
[laughs]
[Thomaso] That's a wrap on the children.
[chicken clucking]
[Thomaso] Meet Oscar, your favorite chicken.
Oscar? Okay. [groans]
Ow, he bit me! He pecked!
[Thomaso] Someone please give the chicken a tranquilizer.
[blows raspberries]
Shit. [sighs] Oh.
-Oh. Oh. -[Thomaso] Aww!
[Thomaso] It's like a baby. I love it. [in Italian]
But…
[Thomaso] Yeah. Can you adjust him a little bit
so we can see his beak?
Yeah.
Chicken looks sort of dead now.
[man] Give him two minutes. Their brains are so small
that shit wears off fast.
Ah. Shit. Uh-oh.
He took a shit on me.
[Thomaso] That's a wrap on the chicken.
Hello, Mommy's home.
[gasps] You came back.
Of course, Mommy always comes back, you know that.
[sighs] Okay. What is up with the undies?
Baby wet his pants.
-I couldn't keep it in. -So annoying.
Did you go to the Apple store?
Yes, I did. Wait, check this out, Oliver.
Ta-da.
Oh, my God! Is that the iPhone 11 Pro Max?
[Sarah] Mom, I've been waiting for you for an hour.
I'm supposed to go to Amy's house, remember?
You look like a cockatoo.
Huh. More like a cock-a-too.
Get it? Cockatoo.
[gasps] Oh, my God. Is that the iPhone 11?
-How did you get that? -Mom gave it to me.
-What, why you? -'Cause I'm her favorite. Ah!
No, give that back. Oh, gosh!
I need you guys to focus.
I have some very exciting news for our family.
We're moving?
We are going to have our own YouTube show.
-Wait, what? -Yes!
We are officially vloggers, effective immediately.
We are a family that vlogs.
We're gonna be like "Hanging with the Sobies," right?
-That's right. -Oh, my God!
-You are. -No, Mom, no!
Everyone's gonna see how we live.
-My life will be over. -Really?
Talk to me when the show airs, Sarah, then we'll talk, okay?
-Can I be in charge of music? -Yes, you can.
Mom, can I be in charge of cool pranks?
Of course you can. This is a family endeavor, okay?
We all are in this together.
If not, we don't have a show,
Sarah.
Okay, fine.
Only if you take me to a hairdresser
and if we get a housekeeper to clean this place up.
Deal.
-Yes. -Yeah!
Yes! Yes!
We need to come up with a title. We need something catchy.
-Uh… -Any ideas?
Something we could possibly brand down the line maybe?
I like how you're thinking.
How about "Priceless?"
-Yeah. -"Priceless." I like that.
-Yeah, I like it. -We could be on Google.
It's short and sweet.
How about, "The Priceless Horowitzes"?
-No, mom, just "Priceless." -No.
-Just "Priceless." -Just "Priceless."
♪♪♪
No, I really can't do the hat.
I'm so sorry. Please tell him.
[Jerry] Hi. And I keep my glasses…
-[Jerry] Hi. -Jerry, where have you been?
-Sorry. Yeah. -Look at me.
Little House on the Prairie.
Yeah. You look hot.
Hot?
What? Jerry.
Okay, I'm taking this off, too, because I can't wear this.
What's happening?
Rebecca's pregnant.
What?
She barely even fucking knows the guy.
Look at this, look at this.
-[Justine sighs] -[sniffles] Look at this.
Look, what kind of asshole rides his Harley on Instagram?
-I mean, I can't--I… -I mean, it's Instagram.
What, what is he doing? What, is he wrestling an alligator?
-Oh, wow. -I can't--I can't believe
she's having a baby with that fucking douchebag.
I was gonna marry her, you know?
I had the ring picked out and the whole thing.
I just got so consumed at the restaurant, and, you know.
Oh,. I know, Jerry. This restaurant
has been putting such a strain on our personal lives.
Okay, Justine, we've got to stop doing that.
We got to stop backing it into the personal stuff.
This is a professional business relationship.
Listen, uh, the PR lady wanted me to tell you
that she's worried about the pictures
being too much like that one photographer. What is it?
She, you know, she takes pictures of all the freaks,
and, and the, uh, Siamese twins, and the midgets.
-Diane Arbus? -Yeah, yeah. Exactly.
She's worried about that.
They--they think I'm a freak?
No, no, no, no. No, no.
They just want the photographs to contrast with the writing, right?
You know, lightness and fresh, and all of that. Yeah.
Justine?
I really need to get you a new wardrobe.
Thomaso agreed we can change it.
-Okay. -You look great, you look great.
-Listen… -No, you look really hot, actually.
Siri, do you wish you had a penis?
What the heck? Hey, Siri,
do you wish you had a penis?
[Siri beeps] I don't know what you mean by,
"Hey Siri, do you wish you had a penis?"
How about a web search for it?
[yells] Why don't you have a body?
Aren't you lonely? You don't have any friends.
[grunting]
Brain, out. [growls]
-Yeah, that's nice. -Fresh.
Um, put a knee up for me, please.
[sighs]
Yes. Coffee, coffee.
Okay.
Because who doesn't love the Flore, right?
Rebecca and I went to Paris last year.
We were gonna go to Flore,
but we spent our days making love in the hotel room.
[sighs] My girlfriends love Paris.
And then we went to Venice after that,
and we spent our days making love in the hotel room.
[sighs] Divine!
Now, she's having somebody else's baby.
-Jerry, I'm so sorry. -[Jerry] No.
No, I'm fine. I'm fine.
[Justine sighs]
Okay. Justine, now look out the window and sip your latte
and invite your readers to discover you.
Yes.
Just a sliver of the panties, no?
Okay. Listen, this is-- I'm half naked.
I'm sorry. It's not very feminist.
But it's fresh, I guess. [strained laugh]
Yeah.
Very fresh.
[sighs] It's a wrap. I'm done.
We've got it?
All right, everyone. That's a wrap.
-[Justine] Okay. Are you sure? -[wine cork pops]
Just good enough?
I don't usually do this, but I'm gonna make an exception for you
because I adore you. Come.
[Justine gasps] Oh, my legs.
[in Italian] Like magic, hmm?
[in English] From this, to that.
-Mm. -Oh.
Genius, Thomaso.
From this, to that.
-Oh. -Brilliant, Thomaso.
Okay. It's nice.
[in Italian] That one. This one.
[in English] Thomaso, so good.
That's the cover.
[in Italian] That one. This one.
[in English] So much better.
But…
[in Italian] This one. That one.
[laughter]
[in English] But…
[in Italian] That one. This one.
-[in English] That's not… -[laughter]
Do it again. Do it again.
Do it again? Do it again.
[in Italian] That one. This one.
[laughter]
♪♪♪