[theme music plays]
[orchestral music]
[sighs]
[in French] So Hubert and Elodie will be here in less than half an hour.
Did you make us something good?
[in French] Listen… Antipasti Rosso et verde e mozzarella.
-And risotto-- -Wait,
-you've made… Italian food? -Yes.
Why Italian?
Well, because you told me they loved to eat Italian food.
I never told you they loved eating Italian food.
I told you his wife got her pussy eaten by an Italian guy.
Oh, my God.
It nearly fucking destroyed their relationship.
They've just barely gotten over it.
You never listen to me, Justine!
Sorry, I must have been confused, I heard "eat" and "Italian".
Well…
[in English] Hey, Mom. Can I have a popsicle?
[in French] Yes, of course, sweetheart.
What are you watching?
[in English] I'm watching a documentary on John and Yoko.
You know, like, she wasn't that bad.
She inspired him, helped him write "Imagine."
It's actually really interesting.
I'll watch it again with you if you want.
Oh, I would love that.
Thanks, "Maman."
"Thanks, 'Maman.'"
[in French] We have to try harder with the French.
I understand you didn't want him to go to the French Lycée because it's too strict,
but now we've got an American boy.
[in French] What do you want me to say? We've made a mistake.
We can't take him out of his school now, he loves it.
So he knows everything about transgender rights,
but he doesn't know multiplication tables.
It doesn't matter, he'll learn them in 12th grade.
So, for tonight, it can't be an Italian dinner, all right?
Figure it out. Because I swear,
Hubert can't walk past a pizzeria without losing his shit.
[operatic music]
[doorbell rings]
[whispers] Okay, right off the bat,
we're gonna tell them that our sitter has to leave at 8:00
and we can only stay for one drink.
Okay. I mean, you know I hate lying like this,
but we'll just have to. It's fine.
-[in French] Hi, hello. -How are you?
-[in English] Hey. -Hi, man.
Thank you. Oh, Chianti.
Oh, you shouldn't have.
Well, come in. You're a bit early. Justine is still in the kitchen.
Oh, well, we can only stay for one drink.
-Ah. -Right, um,
unfortunately, our sitter had an emergency, so…
[Martin] Oh, that's too bad.
Well, I'm super excited for you to meet one of my oldest friends from Paris.
-Oh, great. -Yeah.
Okay, I'll put this in the kitchen.
-Yasmin, you look beautiful. -Thank you.
But I hear you can't stay for dinner?
-Only one drink. We have to-- -Hey.
-Yeah, unfortunately the sitter. -Mwah. Mwah.
But it smells so good in here.
-Maybe I can give you a little doggie bag? -Please, I will take it.
-Oh, my goodness, are you kidding? -Yeah.
-So he said that it's all body… -Mm-hmm.
No visuals, and that a half a square
-Mm-hmm. -can give you a mild trip.
[mellow rock plays on stereo]
-[munching loudly] -[chuckles]
-[doorbell rings] -Party is starting.
Yeah, please.
-Hey. -Hello!
And you are early, too.
I'm impressed. I love Americans.
Well, it's LA, you know. Everything's over at 10:00.
-Yeah. -Buonasera.
-[in Italian] Chiante per te. -Ah, you shouldn't have.
[in Italian] Ti piace mi Italiano?
-Buonasera! -Hey!
-Ciao, bella. -Ciao.
[in French] Oh, no, not the 2009, seriously.
Hey, guys, I want to show you something. Come.
-Bye. -Bye.
-Okay, come. -Mangiare! Mangiare!
Let's have a drink first.
So listen, listen to this:
Everything I'm serving tonight is French Corsican.
-The food? Not Italian, okay? -Why?
Just, I--it's too long to explain. Just go along with it, please.
So much drama with you tonight.
-What's happening tonight? -I love the intrigue.
It is Italian.
It's not a big deal, but just tell George, okay?
And Will. No Italian food.
All these lies are stressing me out, though. Little lies.
-French Corsican, okay? -Put on your red lipstick.
-I can't. I have to go. -No, no, she's right.
You always look so pretty in lipstick.
It'll just take a second. It's worth it.
-Okay. -Use the hot--
Don't ask me why, but Justine wants us to say
tonight's dinner is not Italian.
Right, but we're--we're not even gonna be here for dinner, so…
-Oh, right. -So, irrelevant.
Right, right, right.
-'Cause our sitter has an emergency. -Yes, yes, right. Sitter.
It's not Italian anymore, it's Corsican.
-So do you have a French playlist? -[doorbell rings]
Yeah, yeah. I got a great French playlist.
Hey, salut.
[in French] Hi, so good to see you.
Come in, come in.
[in English] So, uh, guys.
Uh, everybody, this is my friend Hubert Duchamps,
and his delicious wife, Elodie Couturier.
So this is Anne and George.
Hi.
[in French] Nice to meet you.
-[in English] Uh, Yasmine. -Hi.
-Nice meeting you. -And I've been wanting
to introduce you guys for quite a while.
My two nerdy friends.
Oh, William. I finally get to meet you.
I'm a big fan.
Wait, um, did you say this is Hubert Duchamps?
[Martin] Yeah.
-Hubert Duchamps from Epic Tech? -That's me.
Martin… [chuckles] Why'd you bury the lede?
Huh? Who did I bury?
No, nobody, but you didn't tell me
that Hubert Duchamps was your friend.
I did tell Justine, but she probably forgot to tell Yasmin?
No, I told her.
Yasmin, I told you about, uh, Hubert.
-Right? -Right, yes, I'm so sorry.
I totally spaced. You know, foreign names.
-I'm terrible with anything foreign. -No, no big deal.
-I mean, this is wonderful, right? -Yeah, yeah.
Okay, come in, come in, come in.
Sit down.
[in French] Hello. I'm his wife, Justine.
[in English] Welcome to America…
-[in French] well, what's left of it. -Thank you.
Come sit down. Come, have a seat right here.
[in English] Saw that McMansion down the street that they're building.
-It's like, uch. -That adds value to your house.
-Oh, really? -Oh, for real. Yeah.
-We should have moved to Mar Vista. -Yeah.
Our house is now worth
at least 10% less than what we paid for it.
We have this situation with homeless--I'm sorry.
Unhoused people in Venice.
-More like an invasion… -Honey, you can't…
-To be honest. -No, that's…
I mean, I'm just--it is what it is.
Yeah, this one guy that came--right?
One morning and he took a shit in the kids' sandbox.
I told Orion that that was a big cat.
No, you shouldn't have done that. See, that was the problem.
-No, but, like, -When you distort reality--
-humans don't poop in sand. -You distorted his reality.
Cats poop in sand.
Our son was going through a creative play period
-at Montessori-- -We had to wash…
-It was bad. He had to wash it. -shit off of the walls.
-But I-- -Anyway.
The important thing is, it's tragic. You know, I mean,
our whole society just throws these human beings away.
Is it like that in France?
You know, especially in Paris, but, uh…
it doesn't affect real estate.
At least we don't think of it in those terms.
-Right. -No, Paris,
no matter what happens, you know, it's so expensive.
But when I bought this house, here 15 years ago,
Mar Vista, no one wanted to live here.
[in French] So you bought this house 15 years ago?
-[Justine, in French] Yes. -When did you two meet?
-About… -Thirteen years ago.
Yes, 13 years ago. And I got pregnant right away, three months later…
[in English] Oh, I love when they speak in French.
It sounds like glockenspiel bells, doesn't it?
-[imitates glockenspiel bell dings] -[laughs]
Okay. Okay, so I have, um, red or white?
I know, you, it's tequila and lime, yeah?
[in Italian]
[Martin] Okay, tequila is good for you?
Two shots.
[in French] Red? White?
-[Elodie] Red. -Me, too.
Uh, me too, red.
Just, every time I say it, I feel weird now.
Red wine is great with Corsican food. I mean…
-[in French] I made a Corsican dinner. -Oh, I've never eaten Corsican food.
-Oh, it's delicious. -Oh, the figatelle.
Yes.
[in English] She's really talented.
How did you turn cryptology into poetry, man?
I mean, I read your codes. I'm like, "This guy's an artist."
Oh. That means so much, coming from you.
Thank you. Thank you.
-[in French] Martin, are you okay? -Yeah, I'm fine,
but the way you presented it,
it sounded like it was your house and I forced my way in.
No, I didn't mean it like that. I was just saying--
You're always trying to make me look like I live off you, like some rat …
Never do this to me in front of Albert,
it's a terrible thing to humiliate a father in front his son.
And how are the… It doesn't look like antipasti anymore--
I don't know, it looks disgusting, but it'll do. It'll be fine. It'll pass.
Good job, honey.
Well done.
-Okay, I'll take care of the wine, then. -Take the wine, it's on the end table.
-There. -Yes.
[Yasmin, in English]…the story. I'll tell you more when we have more time.
[indistinct chatter]
-Excuse me. I'll be right back. -Sure.
-Can I talk to you for one second? -Yes.
-[whispers] We really need to go. -[whispers] Yeah.
-We have to go now. -But I kind of want to stay now,
because I'm getting all this really good first-hand info about Europe.
But we can't, 'cause we told them we're only staying for one drink.
-So we gotta go. -I mean,
we both don't have to go, though, do we?
Wait, so, you want to stay
and you want me to go home and take care of Orion?
Yeah, but you're not really going home to take care of Orion.
You're going to that party.
Everyone here's gonna think I'm some, like, 1950s housewife
and you're sending me home to take care of the kid.
No one's gonna think anything.
No one's gonna think that. That's crazy.
This was your party.
You were the one who convinced me about,
gotta make some contacts and network, right?
Yeah, so you should go. You should go to that party.
Oh, my God, I can't do that. I'm your plus one,
and you know I will be the only one.
There's--there's that one Black guy…
Oh, my God, he's Indian!
-I can't. This is-- -Okay, well, whatever.
Whatever. Look, just tell them that I'm sick.
No, you know I hate lying.
[scoffs] Never mind. I can't.
-I have to go, you sweeties. -Hey, you're leaving?
[both] Mwah, mwah.
Yeah, you know, I just--I feel like I'm coming down with something.
-Like, ech, I don't know. -Okay, well, you told me
you have to relieve the sitter anyway, right?
-Yes, also that, so… -And you're both going.
-Yeah, no, I'm gonna stay. -Will is actually gonna stay
uh, and enjoy. I'll go home and relieve the sitter.
-Okay. -So, I'm sorry, I can't.
-All right, all right. -Enjoy the rest, yeah?
-Yeah, thanks. -Bye, guys.
[in French] Bye.
[in English] Bye, honey.
[in French] Hey, shall we go ahead and sit down to eat?
No, Ell is not here yet.
Yes, but she's always late, what do you want me to say?
We said drinks at 6:00, dinner at 7:00, so we should go ahead, no?
All right, fine.
[doorbell rings]
[Justine] We have some simple grilled vegetables, and then we have a…
[in English] Hi. I'm so sorry I'm late.
Kai had a complete meltdown. He was like hanging on my left.
He was like, "Mommy, don't go."
-Yeah, come in. It's fine. -Sorry.
-Hey, everybody! -[mutters] We're French.
I'm so sorry I'm late.
Um, I hope you don't mind.
I invited Joan for dessert. She was so depressed.
She had another one of her worst dates ever.
[man] I just want to make sure you don't have kids.
Women will lie about crap like that.
I hate baggage.
Obviously, now you're too old to have a kid, so that's a plus.
And you like baseball.
That's my number one requirement for a broad.
No. No. I, um…
I--I never-- I never said I liked baseball.
Modern art, but no, that--that--
It must've been another match.
[man] You look much older than in your pictures,
-you know that? -Um…
don't we all? Just…
You know. Yeah.
But I come bearing gifts!
Ta-da!
Beautiful cupcakes in the colors of Italia!
-You shouldn't have. -Oh.
They taste better than they look. [nervous chuckle]
[Justine] Thank you, Ell.
I didn't do anything. My little angels made them.
-Hello. -[Justine] Ell.
-I'm Ell. -Elodie and Hubert.
-Hi. -Hello.
Ell is a teacher for children with re… mental…
-Learning challenges. -difficulties.
[in French] She teaches disabled children.
-They bake cakes, things like that. -Yes, yes.
Ah!
[in Italian] Mom's pizza!
[in English] That is not pizza. It's a Corsican dish.
What is it called again?
[in French] It's a fougasse. A fougasse with truffles and goat cheese…
from Corsica.
[Ell, in English] Well, me like. [laughs]
Um, how do all of you know each other?
-Uh…[laughs] -I met Ell
when we were waitressing at this café.
-Yeah, at Formosa. -Formosa Café.
Kind of landmark, for LA.
And then we--immediately, we were, like, super tight.
-Super tight. Best friends. -Really quickly.
And then after college…
I was interning for your friend Greta in her interior design company.
-Yes. -And then we met Yasmin,
who just left, Will's wife,
and we had this crazy new year in 1999.
-At the chateau, yes. -The 2000--the millennium.
A millennium party. She'd just moved to LA,
I went to college with her. She was really depressed.
Well, she didn't know anyone, so I said, "Hey,
just come to this party with me and meet my friends.
You're going to love them."
She was super depressed all night. I mean, like, she--
we missed the new year, but whatever.
We had a great time. It was an amazing party.
Sounds fun.
Can I tell how I met Justine?
-Yes! -Okay, so--
-No, wait, wait, wait. Wait. -Justine--no, no, no, no, no.
Justine had fucked this guy.
-[spit takes] -A total male slut named--
-What was it? David. Yes. -David.
No, no, no. She didn't fuck him. She blew him.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.
And it was the '90s, so AIDS.
And Justine was freaking out because she had just had her teeth cleaned.
My--my gums were bleeding a little bit, and I was really--
-I was worried. -[Ell] So this is when she shows up
at my door--can I just go on?
In the middle of the night, weeping, hysterical.
You just had this, like, sweet little studio in the Miracle Mile
that used to belong to Cecil B. DeMille's cousin.
-Oh, amazing. -So sweet.
-Very pretty place. -And she starts to obsessively call
every 1-900 AIDS hotline in the country.
She keeps asking the same question over and over again:
"Can I get AIDS from giving a blow job? Can I get AIDS from giving a blow job?
Can I get AIDS from giving a blow job?"
So she'd only blown him the week before,
but she was convinced that she had the symptoms of full-blown AIDS.
-[laughs] -Well, no.
-Not really. I mean… -Then I remembered--
I remembered that my friend Anne
used to fuck David without a condom, right?
-Of course. -Ah! That's my girl.
So I said, "Hey, Justine, why don't you call my friend Anne?
She used to actually have sex with David."
So, in the middle of the night the phone rings,
and there's this hysterical French girl on the other line
demanding to know whether I'd been tested for AIDS
and what kind of a loser
would fuck a loser like David without a condom?
-[Anne laughs] -Yes.
And then what were you doing in the background?
You were crying about something.
Yeah, because the phone bill. It was crazy.
I got like a $400 phone bill. Did you know that?
-No, no. -Because of you.
It was not $400.
Martin, we know how to pick them, no?
-[Ell] It was $400, Justine. -Okay.
Anyway, long story short, that is how we met.
-[Elodie] Wow. -[Justine] Yeah. Beautiful.
Impressive.
I was young.
I had just moved to Los Angeles, and I was very naive.
Yeah, I hadn't heard this story,
and I thought I heard them all. [chuckles]
-We were kids. Right? -Sure, sure.
And that's what kids do, huh?
[Elodie] Aw, so cute.
[Yasmin] Hi, guys.
-Oh. -Sorry to interrupt.
This looks so fun.
Um, honey, there's something wrong with the car.
-Could you come? -Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay. Sorry, everybody.
-Enjoy! -Excuse me. Be right back.
[Justine, in French] Would you like vegetables?
[in French] Some vegetables with Camembert cheese.
[in English] So, what's wrong with the car?
How could you do this to me?
We had a plan.
You made me lie to my friends so we could go to your party
that I didn't even want to go to in the first place
and then you just dump me.
Do you know how that makes me feel?
Like, alone in the world.
Babe, I--I'm just not in the mood
to do small talk with a bunch of celebrities
who pretend that they care all about the environment
and then charter private jets.
You want me to go to that party by myself?
They're just gonna think you ditched me,
that you, like, abandoned me.
You know what? I'm not gonna go there.
Right. Just don't go to the party. You're right.
No, I mean "don't go there" metaphorically.
-Oh. -God, you know what?
I just… I think you don't love me.
No, I do, I love you, Yasmin.
I just--I don't want to go to the party.
-Mm-hmm. [sniffs] -That's it.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Is there anything wrong with the car?
I--I don't know.
[in French] I'm so sorry about this, it's-- It's--
[in French] I don't give a fuck.
As for the risotto, that'll never work.
-[in French] Tomorrow night, Palm Springs. -Awesome.
[in English] Whatever this is, it's delicious.
What I don't understand, isn't Corsica part of Italy anyway?
-Mm-mm. -No?
No, no, it's Sardinia.
Corsica is in France.
-Oh. -Yeah. You know Napoleon, maybe?
Short man.
[gasps] Oh, my God, that came right out at me.
[laughs] I think I just saw Napoleon's dick.
-I'm serious. -Anne, maybe some Bordeaux?
Oh, yes, I love French wine.
Top me up.
You know, I brought a Chianti, but for some reason,
Justine said that it's no longer Italian.
-Oh, really? -Food.
[in French] A rice salad with chestnuts from Corsica.
[Anne in Italian] Mm! Risotto!
[in French] Fuck.
[in French] Oh, shit.
[in English] Oh, my God.
[in French] No, it's no big deal, Don't worry, it's fine.
-Justine, let me do it. -It's nothing at all. It's all good.
[in English] I am having a kind of strange trip all of a sudden.
[Justine, in French] No worries.
[in English] What is wrong with that girl over there?
Maybe she's possessed. Maybe it's a demon.
-[laughs] -[George] Not today, Satan.
-Put some music on. -Yep. Yep.
["L'italiano" by Toto Cutugno plays]
No, no, no.
-[in French] Would you like some rice chestnut salad?
-Yes. Thanks. -There.
Just play anything French. Anything. Thank you.
[in French] Would you like some rice chestnut salad?
-You love risotto, don't you? -No, it's not a risotto,
it's a rice chestnut salad.
-And you also love Italian sausage. -Please, stop.
[blows nose]
Oh, what a beautiful song, I love it. I love this song.
[in English] Me, too.
[in French] You whore. I can't look at your whorish face anymore. I can't.
Hubert, please. Please.
-[in English] He said, "You whore." -[gasps]
-"I can't look at your whorish face." -Oh, my God.
[in French] Don't you think I know everyone here is mocking me?
Not at all, it's the opposite.
She had made an Italian dinner because she didn't know.
I realized at the last minute, so we changed it to Corsican.
-Right, Corsican. -It was completely innocent, I promise.
Right, innocent. Like my bitch of a wife.
If you fucked me more often, maybe I wouldn't have fucked someone else!
That's enough, I have a little boy
in the next room watching a documentary about John Lennon.
Well, we don't have children because Hubert's sperm is deformed.
-There you go. -Their head is limp. And I'm not a bitch!
Elodie! Fuck, Elodie!
Well done, great job. Hubert.
-Elodie! -Hubert!
[in English] Whatever salope is, it's delicious.
It's "bitch." Yes, yes.
Whenever anything gets emotional, I suddenly understand French.
-[laughs] -That's so weird.
All I want is for you to tell me you love me.
I--I say it all the time.
I can't remember the last time you said it.
I just said it five minutes ago.
That--I don't remember that.
I wish someone was recording this right now,
because I just said, "I love you, Yasmin."
[Elodie, in French] It's over.
[in French] You can't leave. I love you, Elodie. I love you.
[in English] "Je t'aime." That means "I love you" in French.
-Okay. -Hey, guys!
Are you guys leaving?
Wait, the party's not over already, is it?
No, we just-- we have another engagement.
-We could only stay for one drink. -Oh. Okay.
Can I take your spot?
-Sure. -Thank you. [blows kiss]
-I'm gonna drive. -Yeah, okay.
[car alarm beeps]
[in French] I'm so sorry.
[Attenborough on TV] The gazelle had no chance
to escape the bite of the crocodile,
as the crocodile has the strongest bite
ever measured in the animal kingdom.
Its bite may rival that of a T. rex.
[Italian music playing]
-Are you getting there? -Yes. Unh!
-[moans] -A little to the left, honey.
Sorry! Sorry, sorry, sorry.
[both laugh]
Do you see that?
No, don't look!
[sighs]
[dog whines]
French toast…
[in French] with plum puree.
[in French] Thanks, Mom.
[in French] Hubert still hasn't called?
[cat meows]
First off, I want to begin
by telling you that the kids love you.
Oh, my gosh. Thank you.
I love 'em back. They're so cute.
And I want to say, Frances, thank you so much
for setting up this meeting.
I have been wanting to talk to you about the budget
for the Valentine’s Day crafts.
I have some very creative ideas.
Ell, I've gotten some phone calls from the parents.
Apparently the kids were disappointed
because they weren't able to actually eat
the Italian cupcakes that they made on Monday.
Oh, yeah, you know, there was a snafu with the oven,
and unfortunately, the cupcakes were inedible.
Oh, okay. Well, what about the tie-dye t-shirts
that they made the week before?
-Right, so with those-- -It seems that
one of the parents saw you
selling "Made in LA by handicapped children" t-shirts
on the Venice boardwalk last weekend.
Now, I told him he must've been mistaken
because number one, you would never, ever
sell their kids' t-shirts and number two,
you certainly wouldn't be passing them off
as t-shirts made by handicapped children,
seeing as that their children are in no way handicapped.
-Correct? -Correct.
Twenty dollars. Made in LA by handicapped children.
And breaking child labor laws in completely illegal
and punishable by imprisonment.
Correct.
-Mom, look. -Ah! It looks so good on you.
I know. It even looks good with jeans underneath.
It's perfect.
Actually, why don't you put it away?
It's my only sample, and, uh,
we go into production on Monday.
Ah. Okay.
He found the dress in my bag.
Yeah, you don't think that he prances around like that
because you've been using him as your fit model
since he was three years old?
He's an artsy kid, okay? He likes fashion.
Would you rather he was a bully, beat people up?
I'd rather you not encourage that side of him.
-Okay. -Good.
[cell phone ringing]
I don't want to talk to you.
How many times do I have to tell you?
Don't call me.
[speaks Farsi]
[phone button beeps]
[big band music plays on computer]
[sighs] What's going on?
[Justine sighs]
Who did this?
Okay, I will not tolerate this kind of behavior
-in my kitchen. -This is unacceptable.
[Justine] Clear, everyone?
[hostess] I'm sorry, but we're completely full.
[Hubert, in French] It can't be.
[in English] I was told this time this week was a little bit free,
and that we could, what do you call it?
Walk in, that we could have fun,
and they said that walk-ins are okay today,
-that it's not a problem. -Elodie! Hubert.
Justine.
-[Justine, in French] Are you okay? -Yes, but… what are you doing here?
Well, this is my restaurant. Justine's.
[in English] I'll take care of them.
[in French] I never put it together. Martin never told me.
Amazing. We were told the food was delicious here.
Well, it's pretty good, yes. But I'm so, so sorry about last night.
-No, don't be. -No.
No, don't worry. An hour later, we had already made up, so…
-Oh, really? -I did send a text to Martin to apologize.
-He didn't tell you? -Last night.
Yes, yes, of course, he told me.
-I'll get you a table. -Really?
-Yes, of course, it'll be my pleasure. -So nice of you.
-Of course, it's my pleasure. -Thank you.
-I-- five minutes. I'll take care of it.
[Justine, in English] This new recipe came out of the unexpected.
I will call it…
[in French] "The Rice Chestnut Salad."
[in English] Life is unpredictable
and cooking should reflect the unknown, the unplanned.
Surrender to things that happen, good or bad.
Improvise. Do not be scared of failure.
Embrace change.
Be fearless in the kitchen as in life.
[cat purring]
[harp music plays]