* *
TICK: Hello, world.
This is The Tick.
Don't worry, I'm not in outer space.
I'm not even in this yet.
But I know what's coming--
an epic tale rife with destiny,
adventure, and blood loss!
The ultimate struggle of light against darkness,
of good against evil,
of...
neat?
* *
Okay, this is it.
This is where it all began.
(distant whooshing)
-Hmm. -Hmm.
(cracking)
(boom)
(gasping, grunting)
(grunting)
(reindeer crying in distance)
(crackling)
TICK: Finally, human meets superhuman.
And so begins the dawn of the Age of Superheroes!
(Muzak playing)
(grunts, sighs)
(applause on TV)
WHOOPI GOLDBERG: And we're back with the world's first
-and greatest superhero, Superian. -(applause, whistling)
We were talking about your nemesis, The Terror.
-(door bells jingle) -Yeah. By the '90s,
I had been going up against The Terror for decades.
I mean, I had been up against him since I first got here.
If he were alive today, well, I think I'd know that.
WHOOPI: Well, thank God he's not.
It is The Terror. I mean, look, it's The Terror.
And there he is. Who can forget this?
-(audience gasping) -I mean, look at him.
He's still frightening.
I have to breathe whenever I see this picture.
It just knocks me out.
I mean, even though he's not been around,
you say he's gone-- I get it--
but a lot of people, you know, remember those days.
The last time you fought him was in 1998,
and that's a battle you won.
How do you feel about the conspiracy theorists
-who say they believe somehow The Terror -Uh-huh.
-survived that fire? -Whoopi,
the authorities found his teeth--
all of his teeth-- stuck in the walls of a crater that I made
out of him.
-(applause) -These conspiracy theorists
and these fringe people, they're just not rational.
-People be crazy. -People be crazy.
People be cray-cray.
-We'll be right back. -(grunts)
(beeping)
(line ringing)
(man wailing)
Arthur?
Oh, Dot, hey. Uh...
I didn't think you'd pick up.
I-I thought you were on your shift.
I am. What's going on?
Yeah, right, no, um, I just, uh...
-I want to, uh, say thank you, you know? -(clattering)
Just, uh, thanks.
You've helped me a lot.
More than a lot, um,
in the last couple of years, you know, since...
m-my last... thing.
You know, you're-you're a good sister.
Okay, now you're scaring me.
Yeah, see, no, I knew it'd sound weird.
You're not having thoughts, are you?
I mean, nothing obsessive?
(sheepishly): What?
No, no, no. No, I'm good.
That's-that's why I'm calling, because I'm good.
I'm doing really well, and I owe you for that.
Okay.
You know, and just...
just thanks, in general.
(man wailing)
Okay, um, I got to go.
Somebody new is bleeding.
Hey, Arthur.
Keep it real, okay?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah.
-(man continues wailing) -All right! I'm on my way!
(door opens)
(door closes)
* *
RADIO CALLER: The Pyramid Gang runs this city,
and I want to know where's the cops.
RADIO HOST: The city has been literally taken over by crime.
RADIO CALLER: Yeah, th-that's what I'm sayin'.
We need superheroes.
We need a new Flag Five.
You know, other cities got heroes.
What about us?
I mean, we got screwed, right?
You know? We lost our team,
like, uh, Brooklyn losing the Dodgers.
RADIO HOST: The Dodgers moved to L.A.!
The Flag Five was blinded by weaponized syphilis
and shot to death!
Hey, can we shut this off?
-Please? -Kind of apples and oranges there, caller.
(radio clicks)
(horns honking)
* *
(shifter clunks)
(indistinct chatter in distance)
-(grunts) -(backpack ripping)
(exhales)
(indistinct shouting in distance)
(indistinct chatter)
MS. LINT: How'd it go at Customs?
THUG 1: Shit through a goose. No paperwork.
-No inspection. -THUG 2: Wasn't cheap, though.
MS. LINT: It was worth it. All this stuff is super tech.
Mad science. Reminds me of the old days.
THUG 2: Looks like a goddamn bunny suit.
MS. LINT: I bet it's bulletproof.
THUG 2: Yeah? And who's gonna test that bullshit out?
You are.
(wrench clanks)
* *
(shrieks)
Don't turn back now.
I think we're onto something.
The henchmen of some vile mastermind
hammering out their heinous night hotcake
and itching to sell.
You're a superhero.
That's what it says on my mailbox... I imagine.
And you're-you're staking them out.
So that-that means that I'm right.
You fingered foul fruit, friend.
Well, do you think it's the Pyramid Gang?
What does it matter? They all work
for the same wretched tyrant.
Wait. You believe that, too?
Evil wears every possible mitten.
-Ready? -No. No, no, no.
Stop, stop, stop.
You can't just go down there. There's, like, a dozen men.
-Neat. -No. Look, you can't tip them off, right?
Like you said, they're a bunch of henchmen.
I need to use them
to lead me to the mastermind.
Mastermind. Spidery?
Reclusive?
Evil?
And he's not on the premises?
No, no. I-I can't prove that he's alive, yet.
-So you counsel finesse. -(fingers squeak)
Yeah. I... finesse.
What do they call you, chum?
-Arthur. -(chuckling): Arthur.
And this is your costume?
They're my clothes-- yeah. Yeah, sure.
Well, we'll cross that bridge after we've burned it.
What is...
Wow. Look at that
three-pound universe chugging away in there.
You got the soup, don't you, Arthur?
We can use that.
Wh-Who are you?
I am The Tick.
The-The Tick?
The Tick.
You feel it, too, don't you, Arthur?
Destiny's warm hand in the small of your back,
pushing, pushing.
She's on a roll tonight.
-I-I don't, I don't know. -(siren wails)
(grunts)
Destiny!
-Huh? -(whoops)
TICK (in distance): Destiny!
(tires squealing)
(siren wails)
POLICEMAN: Freeze. Let me see those hands!
-There we go. -I'm the good guy, I'm the good guy.
-OFFICER: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. -ARTHUR: I'm the good guy.
POLICEMAN: Hands on the car.
(grunts) I'm the good guy.
-(imitates rocket engine) -* *
The mountain is destroying itself.
The Flag Five has only seconds to act.
Arthur, don't let it melt.
Okay. I'm gonna join them, you know.
Don't you have to be a superhero to do that?
Yeah, you do.
Your mom and your sister should be back soon.
Meter's almost up.
Hang on, okay?
(rumbling)
(engine approaching overhead)
PSYCHIATRIST: Arthur.
-Arthur... -Uh, yeah. Yes.
-Everest? -Yeah. Arthur Everest, yeah.
Doing some trespassing
on private property, Arthur? Some kind of
unlawful, uh, surveillance.
No, s-- that's actually a misunderstanding.
-I told the officer over there. -That you were bird-watching?
There any birds over to the wharf?
At night, I mean?
Gulls, maybe.
But they'd be sleeping.
Gulls, maybe.
Okay. Arthur.
-Do you understand why you were brought here? -No.
I don't, actually, because none of this is necessary.
I'm the judge of what's necessary at this point.
All right? So we're going to assess you,
and see if I need to recommend an involuntary psychiatric hold
-for a court-approved maximum of 72 hours. -Jesus.
(lock buzzes)
(clears throat) Now, have you been
-taking your medications? -Yeah.
-Yes? -Yes.
And they would be... wow.
Amisulpride along with
-the Celecoxib, am I correct? -Yeah. Yeah, that's correct.
-Look... -(lock buzzes in distance)
I'm taking my medication.
I have an apartment here in the city,
my own apartment, you know?
I-I have a job.
I'm a together person.
Arthur, I'm looking over your record and I'm seeing
a long history of incidents
like this one tonight (scoffs) going back to, uh,
community coll-- no-- to high school, even to...
Oh.
My God.
You're the little boy from the photograph.
(sirens wail)
-(indistinct shouting) -(car alarm blaring)
-(groaning) -ATLAS: I can't see.
SHOOTING STAR: Atlas, Uncle Samson is dead!
ATLAS: That missile was full of syphilis.
-(Sedona groans) -(Atlas grunts)
(Sedona gasps)
SHOOTING STAR: Captain, what do we do?
Captain?
(gun cocks)
-ATLAS: Stay together. -(The Terror laughs evilly)
If it isn't the Flag Five.
(laughs)
MAN (in distance): It's The Terror!
What are you waiting for?
My virus ate their eyes.
They're all blind.
(gunshots)
MAN: Stop!
The short one, don't kill.
Just crush his hands.
-(bones crunch) -(grunts, moans)
(camera snapping)
(Shooting Star screaming)
Hello there.
-(bones crunching) -(screaming continues)
Oh. What you got
behind your ear? (chuckles)
Oh...
It's nothing.
(wheezing cackle)
You got nothing!
Ah. All right, let's go.
You poor, broken man.
Under the, uh, circumstances,
what we can do is, uh...
Well, what we can do is just...
we can call your legal guardian,
and if she'll take responsibility,
then we'll just...
That's your sister, Dorothy?
Oh, God, please don't call my sister,
-please... -Hey, asshole.
Where do you want to spend your weekend?
(indistinct police radio chatter)
TICK: Arthur.
Arthur, it's me, The Tick.
What are you doing here? What do you want?
What do they want? Didn't you tell them about all the evil?
No, I ca... I can't.
But you're on the trail of a villainous mastermind.
This isn't the place to talk about that.
I have a history.
And if I talk about that here,
then they'll think I'm crazy.
I'm just trying to get out.
Say no more, chum.
Thank you.
I'll get you out of there.
Step away from the window.
What? What are you talking about?
There may be some structural damage.
-(creaking) -Tick, Tick, no. Let go of the window.
They're about to let me out. They're letting me out,
so you don't have to do anything.
-Oh. -Yes. Good. Just hold there.
No physical contact with the building whatsoever.
-Okay? -DOT: Arthur.
-Thank you. -(door closes)
Who are you talking to?
I was just...
No one.
Come on.
DOT: Bird-watching?
I know what you were doing. You think you're
tracking him again, don't you?
Don't you?
We're gonna go through all this again.
The Terror is dead.
Superian killed him the year after
-Dad died. -He was tricked.
He wasn't tricked.
You can't trick Superian.
This is The Terror
-we're talking about. -They found his teeth.
His teeth?
Really, Dot?
He still runs the city,
and I'm the only one who knows about it, okay?
And he's gone underground,
but he's more powerful now than he's ever been.
I saw one of his enforcers there, tonight.
But Arthur, you see things, remember?
Sometimes.
-Things that aren't there? -Well, this wasn't that, so...
So, no weird visions?
No voices telling you what to do?
Stop trying to diagnose me, okay?
You know, you're the one who's always telling me
to keep it real, right?
The Terror is moving weapons
into this city. He's planning something.
I don't know what it is yet,
but he's planning something terrible, okay?
Okay. What if you are right?
What if The Terror is still alive,
still in control of everything-- what then?
You can't possibly think you're the one
who's supposed to stop him.
Because that would be crazy, right?
I'm... I'm okay.
Good.
'Cause I need you to be.
(engine starts)
* *
TICK: Arthur.
Arthur?
(singsongy): Arthur.
What are you gonna do about it, Arthur?
Please, leave me alone.
You've seen it.
The toothy maw opened wide
and ready to guzzle up a whole world.
Shut up.
Arthur.
What are you gonna do about it?!
(gasps)
TICK: Wicked men!
The hell was that?
Wicked men.
Look at you,
beetling away at your dunghill of contraband.
I am The Tick,
and I say unto you...
...stop your evil ways!
Listen, friend, guns aren't gonna
solve your problems. (sighs)
New policy.
All right.
Ah.
Come to our senses, have we?
Aah!
Sneaky.
(thug grunts)
(gas hisses)
That was your own fault, sir.
-Coming through. -(grunts)
(glass shatters)
Enough of your hot little bullets.
-(yells) -(crashes)
(guns cocking)
-THUG: Smoke him! -(laughing)
(bullets ricocheting)
(gas hissing)
(laughing)
Oh.
TICK: Go tell it on the mountain!
(explosion)
(glass shattering)
(alarm blaring)
(alarm stops)
Oh, I'm not going crazy. I'm not going crazy.
You're not going crazy, Arthur.
You're going sane in a crazy world.
-Oh, God. -(thudding)
(groans) Nice bed.
-Wha...? -Thanks for turning off that beeping.
You're real?
Don't get stuck on trivia, man.
We got a tiger by the tail.
So this is your HQ, huh?
No, this is my apartment.
-This your secret trigger? -What trig...?
-Don't touch anything! -(metallic clanging)
Whoa, check out the crime lab!
It's all thorough and complicated.
You've got ideas, theories. I like that in a sidekick.
Sidekick? Who's saying anything about sidekick?
-Don't touch this. -Perfect. You've got the brains.
I got the everything else.
Come on, man. Don't you feel it?
We're part of a plan that's bigger than the both of us.
What are you talking about?
I'm a superhero, Arthur.
I'm nigh-invulnerable.
I have the reflexes of an Olympic-level jungle cat.
I have the strength of ten, perhaps 20 men.
A crowded bus stop... of men.
But my greatest power is this.
When destiny speaks...
she speaks to me.
She says hi, by the way, and...
-she wanted me to give you this. -Don't slam...
-(slams) -...on the table.
What... what is this?
Everything that survived last night's explosion.
Explosion... Tick, did you, did you attack that gang?
Aha.
Oh. I broke a few eggs, but the omelet is huge!
Listen, Tick, look, I'm sorry, but I am not part
of any sort of bigger plan that you have going on here, okay?
I'm trying to prove that The Terror's alive, and that's it.
You're gonna have to do more than just prove it.
I mean, what am I supposed to do with that?
Destiny is calling you, Arthur. Look at me.
Yeah, I'm looking at you.
I'm over here answering our destiny.
Come on over.
It's good, it's warm.
It's like the inside of bread.
I'm not gonna get inside of bread with you.
Do you understand that?
Not really.
Look, I don't even know you.
You know me.
I'm the "you" you always wanted to be.
You want to come over here and be me, but you can't,
because you're standing there
-right in your own way. -No.
But you make a better door than you do a window, chum.
So, why don't you swing wide open,
let you walk through you,
right on over to me?
Destiny wanted us to meet, Arthur, so we did.
Destiny also wanted me to cause that very big explosion
last night, so I did that, too.
And the only thing that survived is this.
A hero's mantle
sized to your tiny proportions.
I think the meaning is clear.
What? What's wro... what's wrong? Something...?
(quietly): What? What's happening?
(glass breaks)
Hey, my mom bought that for...
Look, there-there is no trigger
for any sort of secret headquarters.
You'll find me on the rooftops.
Yeah, well, probably not, though.
(Tick groans, thuds)
(Tick grunts)
(car alarm blaring)
He was blue?
And huge.
A super, no question.
If you ask me, he was working with that little guy
-that was spying on us last night. -MAN: Hey!
Hey! Hey.
Get me down!
TICK: Light against darkness.
Up against down.
A struggle as old as time,
but with a beat you can dance to.
And as the sun rises on a new day in the city,
so rises a new hero!
A precious balloon of hope girding his loins,
making ready for the fight.
He may be on the compact side as heroes go, but...
that's just the way Destiny crumbles her cookies.
It's not supposed to be easy.
It's not supposed to be comfortable.
It's supposed to be dangerous.
-(beeping) -And interesting.
(whoosh, click)
-That's the hero's journey. -(trilling)
That's why they get up in the morning--
to go mano a monomyth with the darkness.
To win the elixir and save the world because
villainy is real.
It has guns and scars and tattoos,
and it's licensed to drive.
It wants nothing but to murder
and take, and it's coming for them all.
So two new avengers take their place on the front line.
They will face evil with a song of battle in their hearts.
Destiny's got her hand way, way up in their puppets.
It's an unpleasant tingling.
-The deepest of wriggles. -(beeps)
(whooshing, glass breaking)
And its only reward
is... drama!
New plan.
* *