Dad!
Yeah.
Who has two thumbs and just got her learner's permit?
This guy.
Oh!
Oh! Katie...
Oh, I'm so proud of you.
That's right. She passed her written test at the DMV and can now practice driving.
The citizens of Pittsburgh are trembling in fear.
-They should be. I barely passed. -Ah.
This is gonna be so great.
Once she gets her license, she can run errands,
and pick up dinner and-- [gasps]
I'm gonna delete Postmates because we made our own. Huh.
She's a Postkate.
Well, hold on, hold on. You forgot the best part.
Not only can she drive our food, she can drive our other kids.
[Andi gasps]
Yeah, your days of running them around town are over.
If this works, I say we have more kids.
Hold on. I still have to pass my road test.
Not a problem. We Burns have driving in our blood.
I have waited a long time for this, Katie. Come on. Let's go have some fun.
That was the worst hour of my life.
What happened to the mirror?
I was looking for something to hold onto.
She wasn't using it anyway.
[theme music playing]
When you invited us over to watch the game,
I assumed we'd be doing it in your living room.
Or at least a place with less spiders. Ah!
We're out here because I'm dodging Andi.
She wants me to take Katie driving again, and I need time to recuperate.
My ankle still hurts from stomping on the imaginary brake.
I'm cool with hiding. I need to lay low anyway.
Marcy's mad at yours truly.
Is it because you refer to yourself as "yours truly"?
She says I've gotten complacent and I don't romance her anymore.
What does that even mean?
Maybe you've gotten complacent and don't romance her anymore.
Oh. You know, it makes sense when a man says it.
You know, when I really want to romance a woman,
I cook her a gourmet dinner with my special handmade gnocchi. Mm.
But Marcy cooks dinner. If I cook it, there'll be two dinners.
[Andi] Adam?
Shh. Shh.
-Are you hiding out here? -What--
Your daughter is waiting for her driving lesson.
I would love to take her, but I have guests.
Can we talk outside?
Yeah, yeah.
Why not let the neighbors hear it?
You said you wanted to teach Kate how to drive,
but now, you're just avoiding her.
Hey, Andi! If Marcy asks, you never saw me. Thanks, doll.
Katie is not ready, Andi.
There was a left-hand turn where we went all the way around in a circle.
Like Mario Kart.
That's why you're teaching her. Look, Adam, I need Kate to drive.
-[sighs] -I just signed Teddy up for club soccer.
It's an hour away. I can't do it.
-I'm sorry, but 16 is too young to drive. -Oh.
Sixteen-year-olds can't vote, they can't drink,
they can't see movies with boobs.
How does it make sense that they can drive to a movie with boobs,
but can't go in? [scoffs]
Look, if you won't get behind the wheel with Kate, I'll teach her.
I'm a better driver than you anyway.
[gasps]
Now, Katie, I don't want what happened last time to happen again.
You mean all your yelling?
I only yelled one time. It just lasted the whole drive.
Today, we're gonna try a point system. You start with a hundred points.
If you do something wrong, you lose points.
When you get to zero, we are done driving until the next day. Hmm?
-Sounds fair. -Okay. Uhp-uhp, hold on, hold up, hold up.
Remember what I taught you?
What's the first thing you do before you start the vehicle?
You check your...
-Text messages. -[sighs]
So you're not tempted while you're driving.
No, no, no. No, no texting.
Minus 20 points.
No, you check your mirrors.
-Got it. -Mm.
[chuckles] Cute, cute.
Cute.
[Adam chuckles]
[muttering]
Okay, uh, put your hands on the wheel.
-[exhales] -Both hands. You're not a pimp.
[scoffs] That's how you do it.
Minus 30 for being funny in the car. This is a serious place.
Now put your hands at 10:00 and 2:00, like a clock.
No one uses clocks anymore. What would it be on a phone?
Minus 50 for not understanding clocks. You're out of points.
[scoffs] We didn't even leave the driveway.
Right. I'll text the neighbors and let them know it's safe to go outside.
[sighs]
So, I was just talking to Kate.
You guys have been driving every day for two weeks
and she thinks she's ready for her DMV road test.
No, she's not ready. I told you.
Yesterday, she got out of the car before she put it in park.
I had to Fred Flintstone it to a stop.
Just take her to the test. I don't want to go back in the garage with the spiders.
I squashed one and the others are out for revenge.
They saw me kill their friend.
I love Katie, but I don't think she'll ever be a good driver.
You promised me that my days of running the kids around town were over.
But here I am, going to pick up Teddy at soccer,
which is basically in Canada.
Book the test.
[sighs] What am I gonna do?
I don't think Katie will pass, but I'm tired of being the bad guy.
So let the DMV be the bad guy. If she's not ready, no license.
I like it. The state of Pennsylvania will do my dirty work for me.
[chuckles] This is why I pay taxes.
Well, I was going to suggest telling Kate honestly how you feel,
but I forgot I was with this family.
The game started an hour ago. Where you been?
Getting yelled at by Marcy.
She's still mad at you?
No, she's mad at me again. I didn't pick her up from exercise class.
You forgot to pick up your own wife?
I didn't forget.
It was raining, and I had just gotten the car washed.
Oh, Donald.
And now she says I'm cut off in the bedroom
until I learn how to be more romantic and thoughtful.
So you'll never have sex again.
Can't say I'm gonna miss the stories.
Maybe there's a way to fix this.
Lowell, show me how to make your magic nookie dinner.
It's pronounced "gnocchi."
I'm not hearing the difference.
Hi. Uh, my daughter's here to take her road test.
Here's my ID.
Adam Burns, parent/legal guardian.
[chuckles]
Arthur, DMV clerk/hedge fund playboy.
Everything's in order.
Take these forms to window 12 for your road test.
Thanks.
I'm kind of nervous.
Well, I'm sure you'll do great, honey.
And if you don't, that's the state of Pennsylvania talking. Not me.
Okay? All right, now go get 'em. Come on.
-Uh-- -Whoopsie-doodle.
I'm afraid your license expired three months ago.
What? Okay, uh, so how do I fix that? I sign a form or...
Since you let it expire,
you have to take the written test before it can be renewed.
-[sighs] -Here's your number.
Wait to be called. Next!
Uh, uh, hold on, hold on.
So, if I had caught this before it expired, I wouldn't have to take the test?
Correct. Next.
Uh-- You stay.
Can't we just do something with this license?
You know, like, slap a sticker on it or...
Actually, yes, there is something we can do.
Thank you. [chuckles]
Ooh. What's that? Sticker machine?
[whirring]
This is why no one likes coming here, Arthur.
[automated voice] Now serving number 42.
[scoffs] Finally.
You made me wait a half an hour just to talk to you again?
It's not a job if you love what you do.
The written driver's test is on the tablet.
If you get three wrong, you fail and have to wait a week to retake it.
Not a problem.
When I get the high score, can I put my initials in?
No.
-That was a joke. -No, it wasn't.
-I'm just gonna take the test now, Arthur. -Mm-hmm.
And, yes, I will be taking the survey after.
-Uh, B. Stop sign. -[tablet chimes]
-Uh, C. No passing zone. -[tablet chimes]
-Uh, D. Emergency vehicles only. -[tablet chimes]
[chuckles] Chime city over here, Arthur.
I'm so good, I don't even have to look.
[buzzer sounds]
Okay, I got cocky. Let's focus. [clears throat]
-[buzzer sounds] -Uh...
Look, I meant to push B. My fingers are swollen.
I'm retaining water 'cause I had a salty lunch.
One more wrong answer and you fail. No pressure.
"A white painted curb indicates: A, passengers and mail only."
That's too specific. Eh...
"B, service dogs only."
Nice try, Arthur.
So, by process of elimination, it's "C, freight only."
Uh, final answer.
-[buzzer sounds] -[automated voice] Fail.
Whoopsie-doodle.
I passed! [laughs]
Now we can both drive.
What happened?
Your dad has a fun surprise for you.
So Kate got her license and you lost yours.
It isn't funny.
I'm sorry. Can I get you a beer?
I would love one.
I'm gonna need to see some ID.
-Where's Katie? -Oh, she went for a drive.
You just let her leave in the car by herself?
Yes, she has a license.
But we have no idea where she is.
What? Our daughter could be anywhere in this city right now
and you seem perfectly comfortable with that.
-Because I trust her. -[groans]
And also because I put a tracking app on her phone.
See, look, she's fine. She's at the Whitestone Overlook.
That's make-out point!
Okay, Fonzie.
People go up there for other reasons.
Yeah, to murder teenagers who are making out.
-I'm going up there to check on her. -You're not allowed to drive.
[grunts] Then, uh, you take me.
No.
I am not gonna be part of your craziness.
Kate is fine. She just wanted to go for a drive.
That's what people do when they get their license.
I'm sure you'll want to do the same when you get yours.
Read the room, Andi.
I did. Half the room thinks it's funny.
[laughing]
Thanks for coming. I really wanna knock Marcy's socks off,
-and hopefully, the rest of her clothes. -Is she home?
No, I told her to take a hike.
And she says you don't romance her.
Okay, here's the recipe: shrimp scampi with handmade gnocchi.
It works every time.
The only downside is I've gained six pounds
and no longer feel comfortable naked.
I can't do this. This is cooking. Lowell, you have to do it for me.
That's not the way it works.
Give a man a fish and he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he eats for a lifetime.
But I only want to eat for a day. Give me my fish, Lowell.
-Aha! -[screams] Dad!
What are you doing here?
Did you know this is make-out point?
All the teen moms in Pittsburgh get their start right here.
No, I just wanted to go for a drive.
Well, you need to go home right now because I'll tell you something, Katie,
you're not ready for this.
-For what? -The world.
You are too young and too naive.
In fact, you're grounded.
Why? 'Cause I passed my driver's test?
Yes! No, no. It's because you don't understand how dangerous the world is.
There could be a crazy man up here.
I think there is.
You never used to talk to me like that. This license has changed you.
I'm crazy? She's crazy. She won't listen to me.
Minus a hundred points.
[siren wails]
Ugh, of course.
-Evening, sir. -Can I help you, Officer?
I couldn't help but notice you leaving make-out point alone and old.
All right, no need to hurt people's feelings here.
We just want to keep things safe for the kids. License, please.
Sure. Yeah.
Step out of the car, sir.
Oh, good, the crazy vigilante is home.
A dad's got to do what a dad's got to do. Sometimes you have to be the bad guy.
Look, Kate is upstairs, very upset. Okay, you grounded her for no reason.
I had reasons. I had good reasons.
Oh, really? Like what?
Like she's not ready. A car lets you leave, and I'm not ready.
Wait. She's not ready, or you're not ready?
Whatever. Somebody isn't ready, so nobody leaves.
Nobody leaves until everybody's ready!
[sighs] Honey, do you remember when Kate was 12,
and we decided that she was old enough to go to the mall by herself,
so I'd drop her off with her friends and then secretly follow her around?
Yeah, I remember you army crawling through the food court.
Yeah. That was me freaking out
because I didn't think our baby was ready to go out into the world alone.
Then one day, she caught me riding the carousel
with a pair of binoculars around my neck.
That's when I realized that I was the one who wasn't ready.
Oh, so this is your fault, I like that.
No, I'm saying we need to be ready.
[sighs] But what if I'm not?
Sweetie, Kate was fine back then and she's fine now.
[sighs]
But I got to be honest, you are right in the middle
of spoiling one of the biggest moments of her life.
Go ahead. You can say it.
-You're right. -I know.
[car door closes]
-Marcy's home early. Hide! -Where should I go?
Under the table. I'll get her out of the room, you take off.
Fine, but don't forget to turn the asparagus down to a simmer, a simmer.
What's all this?
I love you, baby, so I'm romancing you with shrimp and handmade nookie.
[March] Oh.
This looks amazing.
That whole time I thought you weren't doing anything,
you were taking cooking classes.
Yeah, whatever you say. Let's eat.
Why don't we start with dessert?
-[Don] So this really worked? -[Marcy] Oh, yeah, Chef.
-[Don] Oh, Marcy. -[Marcy] Oh, Don. [chuckles]
-[table creaking] -Can this table hold us? [grunting]
-[Don] If it breaks, it breaks. -[Marcy] Okay.
Hey.
I'm not going anywhere. I'm just sitting here.
Oh. I get it.
I did the same thing when I first started driving. [chuckles]
[car door locks]
That's smart. Don't let crazy people in your car.
I just want to say I'm sorry.
I know what a big deal this is for you.
You know, when I got my license, it meant I was growing up
and it was the greatest feeling in the world.
But now that I'm a parent, watching it happen to you...
it is the scariest feeling in the world.
[sighs]
[car door unlocks]
[sighs]
Go on.
I believe you were saying nice things to me.
[sighs] Look...
you're my little girl.
It's hard for me to accept that you're growing up.
[sighs]
As soon as I saw you behind the wheel...
I saw you leaving.
That's what people do in a car, they leave.
[scoffs] Dad, you're such a marshmallow.
I just... I wish I had more time.
There's so much left to teach you.
Like, when you're walking to your car at night,
you pepper spray first, you ask questions later.
Okay, got it.
And if a guy calls you after 10:00, he only wants one thing.
And if a guy calls you before 10:00, he's just trying to beat the other guy.
Trust me, I have been both guys.
I'm not leaving now.
You don't have to squeeze it all in tonight.
[chuckles softly] Okay.
But...
[sighs] since I got you,
here's the most important thing you need to know...
I love you so much.
I love you, too, Dad.
[sighs]
So, now will you admit that I'm an excellent driver?
[sighs]
I love you so much.
[scoffs]
Who has two thumbs and passed his DMV test?
-This guy! -Aw.
Ha!
Never a doubt. In fact, I made you a special dinner to celebrate.
Shrimp scampi and handmade gnocchi.
Ooh.
Yeah. I got the recipe from Lowell.
Oh, that looks delicious, but how about if we start with dessert?
Oh.
Not again! Fool me once!
[upbeat music playing]