1 00:00:03,858 --> 00:00:05,359 [Adam] Andi, is that you? 2 00:00:06,235 --> 00:00:07,236 Yeah. 3 00:00:07,319 --> 00:00:10,197 I'm in the bathroom, and I forgot my phone. 4 00:00:10,281 --> 00:00:12,450 Ask me some trivia questions. 5 00:00:13,701 --> 00:00:15,870 Okay, here's one: 6 00:00:15,953 --> 00:00:19,665 Whose wife doesn't like talking to you while you're in the bathroom? 7 00:00:21,584 --> 00:00:23,878 [Adam] But it's just me and my thoughts. 8 00:00:23,961 --> 00:00:25,838 It's like 1980 in here. 9 00:00:27,423 --> 00:00:28,549 Andi? 10 00:00:29,633 --> 00:00:30,718 Siri? 11 00:00:32,511 --> 00:00:33,512 Anybody? 12 00:00:35,306 --> 00:00:38,851 It's funny. You always want to talk to me when I'm watching TV, 13 00:00:38,934 --> 00:00:40,853 but you know where I'm a captive audience? 14 00:00:40,936 --> 00:00:42,563 The Admirals Club. 15 00:00:43,939 --> 00:00:45,900 I told you I had two rules when we got married: 16 00:00:45,983 --> 00:00:48,903 no cheating and no talking to me from the bathroom. 17 00:00:49,987 --> 00:00:52,573 And if you do cheat, she's not gonna like that either. 18 00:00:55,117 --> 00:00:56,911 Hey, Mom. Since there's no school today, 19 00:00:56,994 --> 00:00:59,205 will you take us dress shopping for the spring formal? 20 00:00:59,288 --> 00:01:00,539 You mean drop you off? 21 00:01:00,623 --> 00:01:03,918 No. It has to pass dress code, so we need an old person's opinion. 22 00:01:04,752 --> 00:01:06,337 It'll only take four or five hours. 23 00:01:06,420 --> 00:01:08,964 Well, I can't think of a reason why not. 24 00:01:09,048 --> 00:01:10,716 [chuckles] Unfortunately. 25 00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:12,635 Is Dylan going to the dance? 26 00:01:12,718 --> 00:01:15,429 I don't know. He was like, "Eh," and I was like, "Yeah," 27 00:01:15,513 --> 00:01:17,223 and we were like, "Meh," you know? 28 00:01:17,306 --> 00:01:18,474 [Lola] Totes. 29 00:01:18,557 --> 00:01:20,643 You're always like, "What?" and he's like, "What?" 30 00:01:20,726 --> 00:01:22,269 and we're like, "Whoa." 31 00:01:22,353 --> 00:01:26,315 Uh, excuse me. Do you know what they're saying? 32 00:01:26,398 --> 00:01:30,069 I mean, you seem normal, but maybe that's because you haven't talked yet. 33 00:01:30,778 --> 00:01:35,574 Uh, Kate, your dad's talking to me, and it's, like, you know? 34 00:01:36,951 --> 00:01:39,119 Nope. She's just like the other ones. 35 00:01:39,954 --> 00:01:41,664 All right, girls, I'll take you. 36 00:01:41,747 --> 00:01:42,873 Thanks, Mom. 37 00:01:43,499 --> 00:01:46,919 'Sup. Any of you gals want to share a Go-Gurt with a good listener? 38 00:01:47,002 --> 00:01:48,838 [laughing] 39 00:01:51,382 --> 00:01:52,925 Nice try, Teddy. 40 00:01:53,634 --> 00:01:55,469 You see the way they noticed me? 41 00:01:58,097 --> 00:02:01,350 I can't believe I have to spend the whole day at the mall with them. 42 00:02:01,433 --> 00:02:03,853 Yeah, that's not fun. [chuckles] 43 00:02:03,936 --> 00:02:06,438 You buy them a five-dollar pretzel, and they take one bite. 44 00:02:06,522 --> 00:02:09,150 They don't have the attention span to get through a pretzel. 45 00:02:10,526 --> 00:02:15,197 Last time I took them, I tried on a hat, and they laughed about it for three hours. 46 00:02:15,990 --> 00:02:18,576 Listen, honey, if I could take the girls, I would. 47 00:02:18,659 --> 00:02:21,787 Oh. Great. They're all yours. 48 00:02:21,871 --> 00:02:24,540 What? No, no, no. No. I was just being nice. 49 00:02:24,623 --> 00:02:27,793 Let me say things I don't mean. That's how a good marriage works. 50 00:02:31,589 --> 00:02:33,048 -Oh. -What are you doing out there? 51 00:02:33,132 --> 00:02:35,759 I was waiting for a lull in the conversation. 52 00:02:35,843 --> 00:02:38,179 Then I got interested, like a good podcast. 53 00:02:38,262 --> 00:02:41,015 Is Adam going to keep talking to you from the bathroom? 54 00:02:41,098 --> 00:02:43,809 -Will Teddy ever find love? -[Adam] Mm. 55 00:02:43,893 --> 00:02:45,144 Why are you here? 56 00:02:45,227 --> 00:02:48,063 I stopped on my way to the office to tell you Don's not coming in today. 57 00:02:48,147 --> 00:02:49,857 He has to take care of his grandson, Parker. 58 00:02:49,940 --> 00:02:52,109 Oh, please. 59 00:02:52,192 --> 00:02:54,987 This is just his latest scam to get out of work. 60 00:02:55,070 --> 00:02:56,947 You go to the office. Put on a pot of coffee. 61 00:02:57,031 --> 00:02:58,908 I will be right there as soon as I bust Don. 62 00:02:58,991 --> 00:03:01,952 No, he could be telling the truth. I know Parker's staying with them. 63 00:03:02,036 --> 00:03:05,414 He's not taking care of that kid with his wife in the house. 64 00:03:05,497 --> 00:03:06,999 What's that supposed to mean? 65 00:03:07,082 --> 00:03:09,627 Parker's a kid. Marcy is a woman. 66 00:03:12,838 --> 00:03:14,715 What's that supposed to mean? 67 00:03:14,798 --> 00:03:17,217 Don't answer. Just curl up into a ball. 68 00:03:18,844 --> 00:03:22,389 I can answer because I have science on my side. 69 00:03:22,473 --> 00:03:25,726 Women are designed to take care of kids. 70 00:03:25,809 --> 00:03:28,020 You have special body parts that make food. 71 00:03:29,313 --> 00:03:31,982 Nothing that comes out of me helps anybody. 72 00:03:33,150 --> 00:03:35,110 Technically, men can lactate. 73 00:03:35,194 --> 00:03:36,612 I'll wait outside. 74 00:03:38,364 --> 00:03:40,449 What you said is so sexist. 75 00:03:40,532 --> 00:03:42,076 Sexist? 76 00:03:42,159 --> 00:03:45,412 Your body provides anything a child could need. 77 00:03:45,496 --> 00:03:47,665 You're like 7-Eleven for babies. 78 00:03:48,958 --> 00:03:51,877 If you have a problem with that, take it up with Mother Nature, a woman. 79 00:03:51,961 --> 00:03:53,420 Right, Lowell? 80 00:03:53,504 --> 00:03:55,881 [Lowell] You're the bravest man I've ever known! 81 00:04:07,935 --> 00:04:09,812 Okay. You don't like spaghetti. 82 00:04:12,940 --> 00:04:14,525 He doesn't like spaghetti. 83 00:04:15,526 --> 00:04:17,611 I didn't believe you were really watching him. 84 00:04:17,695 --> 00:04:20,364 But I can tell it's true 'cause it is not going well. 85 00:04:21,282 --> 00:04:25,327 Hey, Parker, why don't you go in there and not be in here for a while? 86 00:04:25,995 --> 00:04:27,621 You look like Frankenstein. 87 00:04:30,416 --> 00:04:32,042 Hurts every time. 88 00:04:32,793 --> 00:04:33,794 Where's Marcy? 89 00:04:33,877 --> 00:04:37,381 Marcy's had food poisoning for two days, so I'm taking care of my grandson. 90 00:04:37,464 --> 00:04:39,383 He might not be a nice person. 91 00:04:41,385 --> 00:04:42,553 I got problems too. 92 00:04:42,636 --> 00:04:45,931 I just got into a whole thing with Andi about feminism. 93 00:04:46,015 --> 00:04:48,934 You know how hard it is to explain feminism to a woman? 94 00:04:49,852 --> 00:04:53,439 Ooh. Chicken salad. Now we're talking. 95 00:04:53,522 --> 00:04:55,649 No, no. Put that back. It's what made Marcy sick. 96 00:04:56,317 --> 00:04:58,986 -Then why don't you throw it away? -That's Marcy's job. 97 00:04:59,069 --> 00:05:02,031 She puts stuff in the trash. I take the trash out. I stay in my lane. 98 00:05:03,782 --> 00:05:05,617 Where's my sweet great-grandbaby? 99 00:05:05,701 --> 00:05:08,454 Mom, Dad, Marcy's sick. Will you watch Parker for me? 100 00:05:08,537 --> 00:05:12,541 Oh. No, we're not hands-on anymore. 101 00:05:13,542 --> 00:05:16,045 We visit the zoo. We don't handle the animals. 102 00:05:16,628 --> 00:05:18,589 Come on, Bev. Reverse engines. 103 00:05:20,341 --> 00:05:23,385 You know, I'd feel bad for you if it wasn't so funny. 104 00:05:24,261 --> 00:05:26,930 Marcy, you're up, you're better. You can take care of Parker. 105 00:05:27,014 --> 00:05:30,476 I-- I'm a little better. I still need the weekend to recuperate. 106 00:05:30,559 --> 00:05:33,228 -What's that? -I'm taking out my trash. 107 00:05:33,312 --> 00:05:36,231 I take out the trash. Okay? Stay in your lane, baby. 108 00:05:38,442 --> 00:05:41,695 By the way, Parker told me that you tried to feed him spaghetti. 109 00:05:41,779 --> 00:05:44,031 Only animals eat spaghetti for breakfast. 110 00:05:48,035 --> 00:05:50,370 Hey. Does she still look sick to you? 111 00:05:50,454 --> 00:05:53,957 Well, her color's good, she's not sweaty and she hurt my feelings. 112 00:05:54,041 --> 00:05:55,501 I'd say she's in top form. 113 00:05:56,251 --> 00:05:58,045 I think she's better, but she's milking it. 114 00:05:59,046 --> 00:06:00,422 Oh. Well, let's find out. 115 00:06:00,506 --> 00:06:03,425 Let's see what she's been up to by going through her trash. 116 00:06:03,509 --> 00:06:04,843 That's how they got bin Laden. 117 00:06:08,764 --> 00:06:12,226 Empty bag of Flamin' Hot Cheetos. 118 00:06:12,309 --> 00:06:14,603 People with food poisoning don't eat flamin' hot anything. 119 00:06:15,646 --> 00:06:17,356 She's playing you, man. 120 00:06:17,439 --> 00:06:19,942 And she was trying to get rid of the evidence. 121 00:06:20,025 --> 00:06:22,611 I can't believe she's lying just to get out of helping around here. 122 00:06:22,694 --> 00:06:26,281 Maybe she's trying to get you back for that time you did it to her for 25 years. 123 00:06:27,825 --> 00:06:30,828 Oh, there's a woman. Are you here to take care of the kid? 124 00:06:30,911 --> 00:06:34,039 No, I'm here to take care of Marcy. She called and told me how sick she is. 125 00:06:34,123 --> 00:06:37,334 Oh, which means you'll have to take the girls shopping this afternoon. 126 00:06:37,417 --> 00:06:39,753 What? No. Marcy's fine. 127 00:06:39,837 --> 00:06:43,423 Look what I found in her trash. Flamin' Hot Cheetos. 128 00:06:44,967 --> 00:06:49,179 You went through a sick woman's trash? I am appalled. 129 00:06:51,098 --> 00:06:53,600 -It fell open. -[Andi] Uh-huh. 130 00:06:53,684 --> 00:06:56,812 Look, I'm taking care of Marcy, and you are going to the mall. 131 00:07:02,860 --> 00:07:03,861 Did you see that? 132 00:07:03,944 --> 00:07:07,197 She didn't answer about the Cheetos. She accused me of doing something wrong. 133 00:07:07,281 --> 00:07:10,576 That's deflection. She hit me with some verbal judo. 134 00:07:12,119 --> 00:07:13,579 I don't get judo. 135 00:07:13,662 --> 00:07:16,457 Judo's like karate for when you're not that mad. 136 00:07:17,958 --> 00:07:20,377 You really just zone in on one word, don't you? 137 00:07:20,461 --> 00:07:21,753 Pay attention. 138 00:07:21,837 --> 00:07:27,593 The only reason Andi would do that is if she knows Marcy's not sick anymore, 139 00:07:27,676 --> 00:07:29,595 which means she's in on it too. 140 00:07:29,678 --> 00:07:32,598 Which means they're both a couple of flamin' hot liars. 141 00:07:32,681 --> 00:07:35,225 Which you thought was funny when it was only happening to me. 142 00:07:35,309 --> 00:07:37,144 Well, now it's happening to me. 143 00:07:38,061 --> 00:07:40,856 I can't be following teenagers around the mall all day. 144 00:07:40,939 --> 00:07:44,443 I just turned 50. Every minute I have left is precious. 145 00:07:45,611 --> 00:07:47,946 -Tell your wife you know she's faking it. -No way. 146 00:07:48,030 --> 00:07:51,283 The last time I accused Marcy of faking something, it almost ruined our honeymoon. 147 00:07:52,910 --> 00:07:54,912 All right, let's think about this. 148 00:07:54,995 --> 00:07:57,164 We know what they're doing, but they'll just deny it. 149 00:07:57,873 --> 00:08:00,417 And they're good with words that make you feel bad. Like "appalled." 150 00:08:00,501 --> 00:08:02,669 -That's a principal's office word. -Mm. 151 00:08:03,712 --> 00:08:04,963 There's only one move left. 152 00:08:05,047 --> 00:08:07,257 Way ahead of you. We let them get away with it. 153 00:08:08,342 --> 00:08:09,551 Nope. 154 00:08:11,470 --> 00:08:13,055 We poison you. 155 00:08:14,973 --> 00:08:16,183 Or we do my thing. 156 00:08:23,482 --> 00:08:27,903 Don't think of it as bad chicken. Think of it as freedom chicken. 157 00:08:29,655 --> 00:08:32,324 Just take one bite. Get a little sick. 158 00:08:33,659 --> 00:08:35,369 I don't want to. 159 00:08:35,452 --> 00:08:36,703 It'll be worth it. 160 00:08:36,787 --> 00:08:38,747 Marcy gets up and takes care of the kid. 161 00:08:38,830 --> 00:08:41,792 Andi doesn't have to take care of Marcy, so she takes the girls shopping. 162 00:08:41,875 --> 00:08:45,087 -Everybody wins. -I won't win. I'll be sick. 163 00:08:45,170 --> 00:08:47,548 No, no. You'll be a hero. 164 00:08:48,674 --> 00:08:50,968 Will you call me that in front of other people? 165 00:08:51,552 --> 00:08:52,886 Probably not, but maybe. 166 00:08:56,974 --> 00:08:58,600 [exhales] 167 00:08:59,268 --> 00:09:00,269 What if I get caught? 168 00:09:01,144 --> 00:09:02,312 You won't. 169 00:09:02,396 --> 00:09:05,148 I have dipped my toe in these dark waters before. 170 00:09:07,484 --> 00:09:10,112 One time, when Teddy was little and got strep throat 171 00:09:10,195 --> 00:09:14,783 and nobody was getting any sleep, I brushed my teeth with his toothbrush. 172 00:09:15,742 --> 00:09:19,454 It was the perfect crime. Two days in bed. Unlimited Jell-O. 173 00:09:27,004 --> 00:09:28,130 No. It's not worth it. 174 00:09:29,965 --> 00:09:32,676 [Marcy] Don! It's time for Parker's bath! 175 00:09:37,556 --> 00:09:39,891 I'm glad you called. A day off is fun. 176 00:09:39,975 --> 00:09:42,394 I've realized there's an upside to being sick. 177 00:09:42,477 --> 00:09:46,648 I enjoyed lying in bed watching Don do all the work for a change. 178 00:09:46,732 --> 00:09:48,692 Yeah, one time when the kids were little, 179 00:09:48,775 --> 00:09:51,945 Adam got strep throat, and part of me thought he enjoyed it. 180 00:09:52,029 --> 00:09:54,072 Hey, but be careful with those Cheetos. 181 00:09:54,156 --> 00:09:55,866 They might be catching on that you're feeling better. 182 00:09:55,949 --> 00:09:56,992 Nah, it's fine. 183 00:09:57,075 --> 00:10:00,037 I'll just tell them I'm testing my body to see how much it can take. 184 00:10:01,079 --> 00:10:02,956 -That's just good medicine. -[chuckles] 185 00:10:03,707 --> 00:10:05,417 I am happy to jump on board. 186 00:10:05,500 --> 00:10:07,628 'Cause there was no way I was taking those girls shopping 187 00:10:07,711 --> 00:10:09,046 after what Adam said this morning. 188 00:10:09,129 --> 00:10:12,549 "Women have different body parts. You can make your own food." 189 00:10:13,759 --> 00:10:16,345 -How dare he? -Right? [scoffs] 190 00:10:18,013 --> 00:10:20,974 -I mean, yes, it's true. -Yeah, but it's not very nice to say. 191 00:10:22,934 --> 00:10:26,813 And then Adam tells me to make coffee because he'll "be right there." 192 00:10:26,897 --> 00:10:30,192 Two hours later, no Adam, no phone call, no nothing. 193 00:10:30,275 --> 00:10:33,028 -[TV volume increases] -Try being the middle kid. 194 00:10:33,111 --> 00:10:35,572 I haven't been to the dentist in a year and a half. 195 00:10:36,448 --> 00:10:38,158 You're a good listener, Teddy. 196 00:10:42,371 --> 00:10:44,706 Parker just said I look like Shrek. 197 00:10:46,667 --> 00:10:48,377 Do you see it? 198 00:10:48,460 --> 00:10:49,961 Maybe in the shoulders. 199 00:10:51,171 --> 00:10:53,006 Are you feeling anything? 200 00:10:53,090 --> 00:10:56,218 -Nothing. I think I have to eat more. -Hey, don't overdo it. 201 00:10:56,301 --> 00:10:59,805 Remember when you tried those pot brownies before the Van Halen concert? 202 00:10:59,888 --> 00:11:02,057 You ate too many. We had to leave early, 203 00:11:02,140 --> 00:11:05,060 and you rode all the way home with your head out the window like a dog. 204 00:11:06,019 --> 00:11:07,979 A dog that could see into other dimensions. 205 00:11:09,356 --> 00:11:10,732 I'm eating more. 206 00:11:15,195 --> 00:11:16,196 Is it happening? 207 00:11:16,279 --> 00:11:18,907 I don't know. Maybe it was just that last bite landing. 208 00:11:20,784 --> 00:11:22,202 Nope, it's on. 209 00:11:23,370 --> 00:11:24,913 See you on the other side, brother. 210 00:11:26,206 --> 00:11:27,624 Whoa! 211 00:11:31,753 --> 00:11:32,921 [Kate] Dad! 212 00:11:33,713 --> 00:11:35,841 Teddy started doing push-ups outside my room, 213 00:11:35,924 --> 00:11:37,717 and now my friends think he's weird. 214 00:11:39,136 --> 00:11:40,804 I only did three. 215 00:11:40,887 --> 00:11:43,181 But I started counting at 98. 216 00:11:44,766 --> 00:11:46,101 You do listen to me. 217 00:11:47,394 --> 00:11:50,021 It's time to head upstairs and do some curls for the girls. 218 00:11:50,105 --> 00:11:51,731 Teddy, no! 219 00:11:53,108 --> 00:11:55,360 Teddy, leave your sister's friends alone! 220 00:11:56,153 --> 00:11:57,446 What a guy. 221 00:11:58,363 --> 00:11:59,823 [sighs] 222 00:12:00,615 --> 00:12:03,201 You're not gonna believe this. Don is sick now. 223 00:12:03,285 --> 00:12:04,536 What? 224 00:12:05,162 --> 00:12:08,165 That is a crazy turn of events. 225 00:12:08,999 --> 00:12:12,419 Yeah, so I came home because Marcy has to watch Parker. 226 00:12:13,962 --> 00:12:16,715 Well, at least now you can take the girls to the mall. 227 00:12:17,883 --> 00:12:21,470 Oh, well... but you were already planning on it, so why not you? 228 00:12:21,553 --> 00:12:23,221 -Or why not you? -Or why not you? 229 00:12:23,305 --> 00:12:24,764 -Or why not you? -Okay. 230 00:12:25,515 --> 00:12:27,601 You know what? Let's not be childish about this. 231 00:12:27,684 --> 00:12:28,894 -Okay. Yeah. -Okay? 232 00:12:28,977 --> 00:12:30,770 Kate, your dad's ready to take you to the mall! 233 00:12:32,731 --> 00:12:33,773 Or your mom! 234 00:12:33,857 --> 00:12:37,068 One of us! My money's on your mom! 235 00:12:37,736 --> 00:12:39,529 -What are you doing? -What are you doing? 236 00:12:39,613 --> 00:12:41,948 Look, I just don't want to go. 237 00:12:42,032 --> 00:12:44,910 Well, I don't want to go either. 238 00:12:44,993 --> 00:12:46,203 Okay, you know what? 239 00:12:46,286 --> 00:12:49,080 This is clearly a thorny issue. Let's keep talking about it. 240 00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:51,249 Well, great. 241 00:12:51,333 --> 00:12:53,877 Okay, well, first of all, in terms of mall trips, 242 00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:56,129 I have definitely done more of those... 243 00:12:58,048 --> 00:13:01,259 [Adam] Keep talking. I'm in the bathroom, but I am listening. 244 00:13:04,137 --> 00:13:08,183 So I got Don to eat the chicken salad, and now Andi is at the mall. 245 00:13:08,266 --> 00:13:09,643 And you're proud of this? 246 00:13:10,352 --> 00:13:11,603 A little bit, yeah. 247 00:13:12,437 --> 00:13:15,565 My generation handed down a paradise to our sons. 248 00:13:15,649 --> 00:13:17,692 Men didn't lift a finger. 249 00:13:17,776 --> 00:13:21,112 And then some sap comes along, smokes a jazz cigarette and says, 250 00:13:21,196 --> 00:13:23,323 "I don't think I'm doing enough around the house." 251 00:13:23,406 --> 00:13:25,367 Hey, we're holding our own. 252 00:13:25,450 --> 00:13:27,953 You've sunk so low, you're poisoning yourselves. 253 00:13:28,787 --> 00:13:31,039 Face it. You've lost the battle of the sexes. 254 00:13:31,665 --> 00:13:36,002 We didn't lose. We're just using guerrilla warfare now. 255 00:13:36,086 --> 00:13:38,964 You wouldn't get it. It's very tactical. I'm basically a Navy SEAL. 256 00:13:39,047 --> 00:13:40,382 [door opens] 257 00:13:42,342 --> 00:13:43,843 So you're not dead in a ditch. 258 00:13:44,803 --> 00:13:45,887 [phone rings] 259 00:13:46,680 --> 00:13:50,559 And your phone works. Interesting. I made six pots of coffee! 260 00:13:51,768 --> 00:13:55,313 I'm sorry, Lowell. I got busy and forgot to tell you I wasn't coming in. 261 00:13:55,397 --> 00:13:56,690 And? 262 00:13:57,607 --> 00:13:59,067 Uh... 263 00:13:59,150 --> 00:14:03,405 And from now on, I will try to be more sensitive to your feelings. 264 00:14:03,488 --> 00:14:04,781 Thank you. 265 00:14:09,786 --> 00:14:10,912 What? 266 00:14:10,996 --> 00:14:13,999 Teddy Roosevelt wouldn't even recognize you as a man. 267 00:14:16,042 --> 00:14:18,420 I got your text. What's the code red? 268 00:14:18,503 --> 00:14:21,464 You're not going to believe what Don told me those idiots did. 269 00:14:22,424 --> 00:14:24,467 [Don] Marcy, it burns. 270 00:14:25,677 --> 00:14:27,262 Good! 271 00:14:30,307 --> 00:14:31,766 [door opens] 272 00:14:31,850 --> 00:14:35,145 -Hey, honey. -Hey. Where you been? 273 00:14:35,228 --> 00:14:37,397 Oh, that's right. The mall. [chuckles] 274 00:14:39,733 --> 00:14:42,110 What do you-- What do you got there? 275 00:14:42,193 --> 00:14:45,739 Oh. I stopped to check on Don and Marcy, and I found this chicken salad. 276 00:14:46,489 --> 00:14:49,576 Huh. I had no idea they had that. 277 00:14:51,161 --> 00:14:54,873 I figured they're too sick to eat it, so I thought I'd make you a sandwich. 278 00:14:54,956 --> 00:14:57,042 It'll make me so happy to watch you eat it. 279 00:15:00,587 --> 00:15:02,839 You know what? I, uh... 280 00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:06,092 I think I'm done eating chicken. 281 00:15:07,802 --> 00:15:09,804 -Really? -Yeah. 282 00:15:09,888 --> 00:15:14,559 You ever hold a chicken in your arms? Huh? It's pretty beautiful. 283 00:15:16,102 --> 00:15:19,147 It'll lay its little beak right there on your shoulder. [clucks] 284 00:15:20,273 --> 00:15:24,569 Okay, well, if you don't want it, I guess I'll eat it. 285 00:15:33,370 --> 00:15:34,955 Okay, go ahead. 286 00:15:42,087 --> 00:15:43,964 I'm gonna do it, Adam. I'm gonna take a bite. 287 00:15:46,633 --> 00:15:48,343 Well, if you want to, you should. 288 00:15:49,844 --> 00:15:53,014 Your body, your choice. 289 00:15:54,307 --> 00:15:55,392 That's equal rights. 290 00:15:57,519 --> 00:15:58,603 Stop! 291 00:15:59,896 --> 00:16:01,064 Why? What's the problem? 292 00:16:03,233 --> 00:16:06,987 Okay, I should probably admit-- Wait. Before I do, how much do you know? 293 00:16:07,070 --> 00:16:08,154 Everything. 294 00:16:08,989 --> 00:16:10,907 Don told Marcy everything. 295 00:16:10,991 --> 00:16:13,827 You poisoned your own brother to get out of going to the mall. 296 00:16:13,910 --> 00:16:15,328 Yes, I did. 297 00:16:16,538 --> 00:16:20,041 But your hands aren't clean either. You knew Marcy wasn't sick anymore, 298 00:16:20,125 --> 00:16:23,670 but you pretended to take care of her so you could get out of going to the mall. 299 00:16:23,753 --> 00:16:26,006 You would accuse me of that? You-- 300 00:16:26,798 --> 00:16:28,008 I am appalled. 301 00:16:28,091 --> 00:16:29,884 Oh, oh. 302 00:16:29,968 --> 00:16:32,303 You're appalled again, huh? Not this time, sister. 303 00:16:33,304 --> 00:16:36,307 You're just trying to make me feel bad to cover up your own crimes. 304 00:16:36,391 --> 00:16:38,727 My crimes are nothing compared to yours. 305 00:16:38,810 --> 00:16:43,481 You said all that stuff about women and body parts, so I got mad. 306 00:16:43,565 --> 00:16:47,235 I've been telling you my poorly thought-out theories for years. 307 00:16:48,653 --> 00:16:51,156 -Why do you have such a problem today? -Because. 308 00:16:53,533 --> 00:16:57,370 Because I didn't want to go to the mall, and I thought I could use that. 309 00:16:59,539 --> 00:17:01,374 -I am appalled. -Okay. 310 00:17:03,251 --> 00:17:05,253 You know what? We're both appalling. 311 00:17:06,087 --> 00:17:09,174 Neither of us wanted to do something, and instead of working it out, 312 00:17:09,257 --> 00:17:10,717 we tried to screw each other over. 313 00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:13,553 Yeah. That sounds like us. 314 00:17:15,013 --> 00:17:16,556 What if we're not good people? 315 00:17:18,099 --> 00:17:20,101 That's only true if you think about it. 316 00:17:22,604 --> 00:17:25,857 Adam, I think we need to do some real soul searching here, you know? 317 00:17:26,316 --> 00:17:29,736 I have a relationship workbook upstairs about this very thing. 318 00:17:29,819 --> 00:17:33,448 All right. Wait a minute. Let's not go bananas. 319 00:17:34,783 --> 00:17:38,328 We are not bad people. We're normal. 320 00:17:38,411 --> 00:17:40,121 Maybe low normal. 321 00:17:41,206 --> 00:17:42,707 Upper bad. 322 00:17:43,625 --> 00:17:46,294 Are we the worst people in the world? No. 323 00:17:46,377 --> 00:17:49,339 Could we improve? Probably not. 324 00:17:51,049 --> 00:17:55,095 Look, honey, sometimes in parenting, 325 00:17:55,178 --> 00:18:00,308 a job comes along that is truly horrific, like five hours of dress shopping. 326 00:18:00,391 --> 00:18:02,310 Yes. And we panicked. 327 00:18:02,393 --> 00:18:05,688 Right. Our fight-or-flight instinct kicked in. 328 00:18:05,772 --> 00:18:08,691 And I would make the argument that of the two, 329 00:18:08,775 --> 00:18:12,028 fight is definitely better than flight. 330 00:18:13,029 --> 00:18:15,657 That's true. I mean, I could have chosen flight. 331 00:18:15,740 --> 00:18:18,827 I could've moved to Santa Fe and opened a cute little pottery shop 332 00:18:18,910 --> 00:18:22,539 with a green awning called "A Penny For Your Pots." 333 00:18:24,874 --> 00:18:27,293 Well, that's way too specific, but yeah. 334 00:18:28,837 --> 00:18:30,130 We don't run. 335 00:18:32,090 --> 00:18:33,800 And you know what that is? 336 00:18:34,425 --> 00:18:35,802 That's brave. 337 00:18:38,263 --> 00:18:41,933 Yeah. We're bad, but we're brave. 338 00:18:44,227 --> 00:18:45,770 Like Han Solo. 339 00:18:47,397 --> 00:18:50,024 -Everybody loves that guy. -Right? 340 00:18:51,359 --> 00:18:54,737 Okay, good. We are back on track. 341 00:18:54,821 --> 00:18:57,490 I am throwing this chicken salad out in the trash, 342 00:18:57,574 --> 00:19:00,118 and we are never gonna talk about it again. 343 00:19:00,201 --> 00:19:01,578 May the Force be with you. 344 00:19:05,081 --> 00:19:06,082 You. 345 00:19:06,166 --> 00:19:08,918 I know. I ran over between emergencies to tell you I'm sorry. 346 00:19:09,002 --> 00:19:12,589 -Why'd you have to tell Marcy everything? -I thought I was dying. 347 00:19:12,672 --> 00:19:15,133 I lost control of everything, including my mouth. 348 00:19:16,342 --> 00:19:18,178 I threw up the truth. 349 00:19:18,928 --> 00:19:21,598 I told you not to eat too much. 350 00:19:21,681 --> 00:19:24,976 Why can't you barely poison yourself like a normal person? 351 00:19:26,352 --> 00:19:28,438 And I didn't tell her everything. I didn't say a word 352 00:19:28,521 --> 00:19:30,648 about you giving yourself strep throat when Teddy was sick. 353 00:19:30,732 --> 00:19:32,192 You did what? 354 00:19:40,783 --> 00:19:42,493 This time I choose flight. 355 00:19:45,747 --> 00:19:48,249 If you want to talk to me, I'll be in the Admirals Club. 356 00:19:50,543 --> 00:19:52,587 See you on the other side, brother. 357 00:19:58,092 --> 00:19:59,177 How's your tummy? 358 00:20:00,136 --> 00:20:01,554 Everything hurts. 359 00:20:01,638 --> 00:20:03,473 That's the lies leaving your body. 360 00:20:06,267 --> 00:20:07,810 All right. I'm taking off. 361 00:20:08,603 --> 00:20:10,647 Hey, where are you headed so fancy? 362 00:20:10,730 --> 00:20:14,150 Kate's dance. I'm gonna try my luck with some of the girls crying outside. 363 00:20:14,234 --> 00:20:15,735 See you around 10:00. 364 00:20:18,154 --> 00:20:19,530 What a guy. 365 00:20:20,740 --> 00:20:24,786 -I mean, you should probably go stop him. -No, no. This is definitely on you. 366 00:20:24,869 --> 00:20:28,790 I mean, he's thinking with a body part I don't even have. 367 00:20:30,041 --> 00:20:33,503 -[chuckles] You enjoyed that, didn't you? -I didn't hate it.