1
00:00:03,067 --> 00:00:04,416
ADAM:
I'm telling you, Teddy,

2
00:00:04,460 --> 00:00:05,548
you looked great
at baseball today.

3
00:00:05,591 --> 00:00:07,550
All we need to
work on is hitting.

4
00:00:07,593 --> 00:00:10,074
And throwing and catching.

5
00:00:10,118 --> 00:00:11,989
Everything else
you got locked down.

6
00:00:12,033 --> 00:00:13,208
Thanks.
[chuckles]

7
00:00:13,251 --> 00:00:14,513
Hey, when we get home,

8
00:00:14,557 --> 00:00:15,819
can I finally drive
your truck up the driveway?

9
00:00:15,862 --> 00:00:18,430
I wish you could,
but you remember our deal.

10
00:00:18,474 --> 00:00:19,475
You have to be taller
than that mark

11
00:00:19,518 --> 00:00:20,998
I put on your bedroom door.

12
00:00:21,042 --> 00:00:23,044
But I keep growing,
and I never get any closer.

13
00:00:23,087 --> 00:00:25,829
It's weird. It's like
the mark is getting higher.

14
00:00:25,872 --> 00:00:29,920
Huh. That is weird.

15
00:00:29,963 --> 00:00:32,836
Hey, hey, no feet
on the dashboard.

16
00:00:32,879 --> 00:00:34,881
You want to drive
Grey Thunder someday,

17
00:00:34,925 --> 00:00:36,883
show some respect.

18
00:00:36,927 --> 00:00:39,625
Sorry, Grey Thunder.
Yeah.

19
00:00:39,669 --> 00:00:40,626
I'm just looking out for you.

20
00:00:40,670 --> 00:00:42,498
It's like I always say,

21
00:00:42,541 --> 00:00:43,760
you get what you want...

22
00:00:43,803 --> 00:00:45,109
BOTH:
By knowing
what other people want.

23
00:00:45,153 --> 00:00:46,850
That's right.
That's right.

24
00:00:46,893 --> 00:00:49,505
And when you're older, if you
get in your girlfriend's car

25
00:00:49,548 --> 00:00:51,115
and put your feet up
on the dashboard,

26
00:00:51,159 --> 00:00:53,422
that date does not end
in a smooch.

27
00:00:53,465 --> 00:00:55,685
I want the smooch; that's the
only reason I play baseball.

28
00:00:55,728 --> 00:01:00,081
[chuckles]
That's the only reason
we do anything.

29
00:01:00,124 --> 00:01:01,647
So how's school?

30
00:01:01,691 --> 00:01:03,736
I got an English paper
back today, and I got an "A."

31
00:01:03,780 --> 00:01:05,738
Right on.
[chuckles]

32
00:01:05,782 --> 00:01:07,566
I had to write an essay
on who my hero is.

33
00:01:08,611 --> 00:01:10,613
Your hero, huh?

34
00:01:13,485 --> 00:01:14,530
Enough said.

35
00:01:17,620 --> 00:01:20,188
Hey, Teddy.
How was baseball?

36
00:01:20,231 --> 00:01:22,581
Did you face the right way
this time?

37
00:01:22,625 --> 00:01:23,669
Nothing hit me.

38
00:01:26,585 --> 00:01:29,327
Hey, this season's
shaping up.

39
00:01:29,371 --> 00:01:30,676
What's, uh,
what-what's this?

40
00:01:30,720 --> 00:01:31,851
"Just dream"?

41
00:01:31,895 --> 00:01:33,592
Oh, yeah.
I painted it myself.

42
00:01:33,636 --> 00:01:34,811
What do you think?

43
00:01:34,854 --> 00:01:36,160
Well, I think
if you want something

44
00:01:36,204 --> 00:01:37,596
for our neighbors to read,
how about

45
00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:38,945
"tell your husband
to close the blinds

46
00:01:38,989 --> 00:01:41,948
when he showers"?!

47
00:01:41,992 --> 00:01:44,255
Okay, well, I don't have to,

48
00:01:44,299 --> 00:01:46,127
because you yell it at him
every time you get the paper.

49
00:01:48,564 --> 00:01:50,870
I think the chair is inspiring.

50
00:01:50,914 --> 00:01:53,612
Well, if you want inspiration,

51
00:01:53,656 --> 00:01:56,398
there's something very special
in Teddy's backpack.

52
00:01:56,441 --> 00:01:59,401
Uh-oh, did he leave
another ham sandwich in there?

53
00:01:59,444 --> 00:02:02,186
I'm not digging that deep.

54
00:02:02,230 --> 00:02:04,493
I'm gonna stay in the upper
half, where everything's dry.

55
00:02:04,536 --> 00:02:06,712
Here it is.

56
00:02:06,756 --> 00:02:09,106
Why don't you read this
grade A work

57
00:02:09,150 --> 00:02:11,543
of literature aloud while I make
room for it on the fridge.

58
00:02:11,587 --> 00:02:12,544
Hmm.

59
00:02:12,588 --> 00:02:14,720
Let's see.

60
00:02:14,764 --> 00:02:17,636
"'My Hero,' by Teddy Burns."
[chuckles]

61
00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:20,465
"Who is my hero?
This question is easy.

62
00:02:20,509 --> 00:02:22,641
My hero is my mother,
Andi Burns"?

63
00:02:22,685 --> 00:02:23,686
[gasps]

64
00:02:26,254 --> 00:02:30,127
Very funny.
Read-read the real one.

65
00:02:30,171 --> 00:02:31,563
No, no, no, no, look.
Look, honey,

66
00:02:31,607 --> 00:02:33,565
I thought for sure
it was gonna be you.

67
00:02:33,609 --> 00:02:35,437
[chuckles]

68
00:02:40,659 --> 00:02:43,662
Nope. It says "mom"
everywhere on here.

69
00:02:43,706 --> 00:02:45,621
[chuckles]
Yeah.

70
00:02:45,664 --> 00:02:48,885
This is gonna look great
on the fridge.

71
00:02:48,928 --> 00:02:51,322
♪

72
00:02:59,809 --> 00:03:01,463
Here's your cocoa, Emme.

73
00:03:01,506 --> 00:03:03,291
I gave you
extra marshmallows.

74
00:03:03,334 --> 00:03:05,336
Thanks, Daddy.
[chuckling]:
Yeah.

75
00:03:05,380 --> 00:03:07,425
You know, in a few years,

76
00:03:07,469 --> 00:03:09,645
you're gonna get
an assignment at school.

77
00:03:11,124 --> 00:03:13,126
Something about a hero.

78
00:03:14,302 --> 00:03:16,608
And you know what rhymes
with "hero"?

79
00:03:16,652 --> 00:03:19,220
Marshmallow.

80
00:03:19,263 --> 00:03:21,744
Daddy, marshmallow, hero.
That's how you remember that.

81
00:03:21,787 --> 00:03:24,486
Okay. I'm going outside.

82
00:03:24,529 --> 00:03:25,487
Okay.

83
00:03:25,530 --> 00:03:27,924
Hey, sit in my new chair.

84
00:03:27,967 --> 00:03:29,882
And don't forget to dream.

85
00:03:29,926 --> 00:03:32,668
Maybe dream about the guy
who gave you marshmallows.

86
00:03:35,366 --> 00:03:37,107
Hey, where'd Teddy's essay go?

87
00:03:37,150 --> 00:03:39,196
Oh, that?
I-I thought it looked better

88
00:03:39,240 --> 00:03:41,938
on the back of the pantry door.

89
00:03:41,981 --> 00:03:43,374
You hid my essay?

90
00:03:44,375 --> 00:03:46,595
Why, so people wouldn't see it?No.

91
00:03:46,638 --> 00:03:48,249
We're talking
about the pantry here.

92
00:03:48,292 --> 00:03:49,902
Tons of foot traffic.

93
00:03:49,946 --> 00:03:53,732
And the-the pantry is really
the heart of the home.

94
00:03:53,776 --> 00:03:55,734
Yeah, that's where
all our favorite stuff is.

95
00:03:55,778 --> 00:04:00,348
The snacks and the-the,
the, uh, broom.

96
00:04:02,306 --> 00:04:04,221
What are you doing?

97
00:04:04,265 --> 00:04:06,310
Nothing.

98
00:04:06,354 --> 00:04:08,399
[chuckles]
What are you doing?

99
00:04:08,443 --> 00:04:12,577
I think I'm watching you
make an ass of yourself.

100
00:04:12,621 --> 00:04:15,276
I'm fine.
You're the one who's cursing.

101
00:04:16,364 --> 00:04:18,453
Is it the essay?

102
00:04:18,496 --> 00:04:19,845
Maybe we should just
get rid of that thing.

103
00:04:19,889 --> 00:04:22,631
It is tearing this family apart.

104
00:04:22,674 --> 00:04:24,328
You're jealous.

105
00:04:24,372 --> 00:04:25,590
I know.

106
00:04:25,634 --> 00:04:27,723
Get ahold of yourself, man.

107
00:04:27,766 --> 00:04:28,767
I can't!

108
00:04:30,682 --> 00:04:32,684
Why don't you just take comfort
in that fact that,

109
00:04:32,728 --> 00:04:34,338
even though Teddy
didn't pick you,

110
00:04:34,382 --> 00:04:37,559
he picked the person that you
love the most in the world?

111
00:04:41,127 --> 00:04:44,479
You heroes make me sick.

112
00:04:44,522 --> 00:04:47,351
Uh, sorry, I-I missed
that last part,

113
00:04:47,395 --> 00:04:49,875
'cause all I heard was,
"You hero."

114
00:04:49,919 --> 00:04:52,878
Yeah, everything's funny
to the person on the fridge.

115
00:04:54,924 --> 00:04:56,926
Come on, are you really
gonna make this a thing?

116
00:04:56,969 --> 00:04:58,623
I'm not making it a thing.

117
00:04:58,667 --> 00:05:01,844
You're the one moonwalking
in the end zone.

118
00:05:01,887 --> 00:05:03,933
Well, I think I deserve it.

119
00:05:03,976 --> 00:05:06,239
I mean, after all,
I did give birth to him.

120
00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:08,851
On a bed.

121
00:05:10,505 --> 00:05:12,245
I had to stand in a
cold delivery room

122
00:05:12,289 --> 00:05:14,770
for seven hours.

123
00:05:14,813 --> 00:05:17,033
Not to mention you got
$20,000 worth of drugs.

124
00:05:17,076 --> 00:05:18,513
I couldn't even get a Coke!

125
00:05:19,818 --> 00:05:22,995
I know, I crossed the line.

126
00:05:24,649 --> 00:05:27,609
So I'm gonna go
sit in your chair

127
00:05:27,652 --> 00:05:29,219
and dream I never said it.

128
00:05:33,136 --> 00:05:35,007
[chuckles weakly]

129
00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:38,968
If it makes you
feel any better,

130
00:05:39,011 --> 00:05:40,448
you're myhero.

131
00:05:40,491 --> 00:05:42,711
Great. Can you stand
in front of my refrigerator

132
00:05:42,754 --> 00:05:44,452
and say that to everyone
that walks by?

133
00:05:44,495 --> 00:05:46,671
Can I bring a stool?

134
00:05:46,715 --> 00:05:48,717
Look, all I'm saying is,
if it's not on a piece of paper,

135
00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:49,761
it doesn't help me.

136
00:05:49,805 --> 00:05:52,677
It's not too late
to win Teddy over.

137
00:05:52,721 --> 00:05:54,418
He's a 12-year-old boy.

138
00:05:54,462 --> 00:05:57,639
All you have to do is save
the planet from aliens. Easy.

139
00:05:57,682 --> 00:06:00,990
I'm a little short
on aliens right now, Don.

140
00:06:01,033 --> 00:06:03,688
I'm just the idea man here.

141
00:06:04,776 --> 00:06:07,083
Afternoon, men.

142
00:06:07,126 --> 00:06:08,345
Hey, Pop, I'm ready.

143
00:06:08,389 --> 00:06:10,086
My tackle box is
in the truck.

144
00:06:10,129 --> 00:06:12,393
Where you guys going?Fishing.

145
00:06:12,436 --> 00:06:13,655
When did you make this plan?

146
00:06:13,698 --> 00:06:14,699
Last night at dinner.

147
00:06:14,743 --> 00:06:15,700
You guys had dinner?

148
00:06:15,744 --> 00:06:17,354
Yeah, before bingo.

149
00:06:17,398 --> 00:06:19,748
You guys played bingo?

150
00:06:19,791 --> 00:06:21,402
Maybe get your ears checked.

151
00:06:21,445 --> 00:06:22,446
You don't hear so good.

152
00:06:22,490 --> 00:06:23,665
Good one, Pop.

153
00:06:23,708 --> 00:06:25,754
We'll laugh about that
on the boat.[laughs]

154
00:06:25,797 --> 00:06:27,799
[both continue laughing]

155
00:06:30,933 --> 00:06:32,804
Did you see that?

156
00:06:32,848 --> 00:06:35,720
They're going
fishing without me.

157
00:06:35,764 --> 00:06:37,330
Well, maybe let your dad
and your brother

158
00:06:37,374 --> 00:06:38,854
not wanting
to spend time with you

159
00:06:38,897 --> 00:06:41,770
take your mind off your son
not looking up to you.

160
00:06:43,859 --> 00:06:46,427
I could have said that better.

161
00:06:46,470 --> 00:06:49,821
How could Teddy not think
I'm his hero?

162
00:06:49,865 --> 00:06:52,345
I'm the greatest man
he's ever known.

163
00:06:52,389 --> 00:06:53,956
Maybe you're too humble.

164
00:06:53,999 --> 00:06:56,480
That's it.

165
00:06:56,524 --> 00:06:58,134
I am good at a lot of things,

166
00:06:58,177 --> 00:07:00,179
and one of the things I'm
best at is being humble.

167
00:07:00,223 --> 00:07:01,616
[laughs]

168
00:07:01,659 --> 00:07:03,661
Oh. Uh-huh.
Makes sense.

169
00:07:03,705 --> 00:07:05,924
See, the problem is,

170
00:07:05,968 --> 00:07:08,492
I haven't been showing
Teddy my best qualities.

171
00:07:08,536 --> 00:07:10,842
He only sees me as Dad.

172
00:07:10,886 --> 00:07:14,063
I need to show him the
man behind the dad.

173
00:07:14,106 --> 00:07:16,500
Well, until then,
you're my hero,

174
00:07:16,544 --> 00:07:18,110
and per your request,
here it is,

175
00:07:18,154 --> 00:07:20,025
documented on paper.

176
00:07:20,069 --> 00:07:24,073
Thanks, Lowell, but it's
not really the same thing.

177
00:07:24,116 --> 00:07:25,901
It does spruce up
the office, though.

178
00:07:29,121 --> 00:07:32,734
Teddy, look what I found.

179
00:07:32,777 --> 00:07:37,260
The Adam Burns Golden Box
of Childhood Accomplishments.

180
00:07:37,303 --> 00:07:39,131
Huh?

181
00:07:39,175 --> 00:07:42,526
Isn't that the box Mom's always
asking you to throw away?

182
00:07:42,570 --> 00:07:44,789
That's 'cause she's jealous.
Where's her box, huh?

183
00:07:44,833 --> 00:07:45,921
I didn't think so.

184
00:07:45,964 --> 00:07:47,923
You see,

185
00:07:47,966 --> 00:07:50,708
I don't think you know
who your old man really is.

186
00:07:50,752 --> 00:07:52,144
All right?
Like, check this out.

187
00:07:53,450 --> 00:07:59,717
"Local 4-H boy saves cow,
delivers emergency calf."

188
00:07:59,761 --> 00:08:02,851
That boy, your dad.

189
00:08:02,894 --> 00:08:04,374
I believe a couple
paragraphs down

190
00:08:04,417 --> 00:08:08,160
they call me a hero.

191
00:08:08,204 --> 00:08:09,814
Whoa.

192
00:08:09,858 --> 00:08:12,643
Exactly. Whoa.

193
00:08:12,687 --> 00:08:14,863
You put your hand
up a cow's butt?

194
00:08:17,996 --> 00:08:20,825
What? No.
It wasn't the butt.

195
00:08:20,869 --> 00:08:22,871
What was it, then?

196
00:08:26,439 --> 00:08:28,006
[stammering]

197
00:08:28,050 --> 00:08:30,835
Well, it's complicated.
[clears throat]

198
00:08:30,879 --> 00:08:32,881
Why, what else is back there?

199
00:08:39,148 --> 00:08:40,453
Uh...

200
00:08:41,672 --> 00:08:42,760
Fine, it was the butt.

201
00:08:48,070 --> 00:08:49,985
Hey, did you find me a spider?

202
00:08:50,028 --> 00:08:52,030
Yeah. I can always find
one on the rowing machine

203
00:08:52,074 --> 00:08:54,816
that Marcy swore she
would use every day.

204
00:08:54,859 --> 00:08:57,862
I think he was living
in her web of lies.

205
00:08:57,906 --> 00:09:00,430
[chuckles]
Great, I'm gonna use it
to impress Teddy.

206
00:09:00,473 --> 00:09:04,521
My cow butt article
didn't do anything.

207
00:09:04,565 --> 00:09:06,523
Then, I remembered that Teddy's
really scared of spiders.

208
00:09:06,567 --> 00:09:08,525
Now, I might not be able
to save him from aliens,

209
00:09:08,569 --> 00:09:10,396
but I can save him
from one of those.

210
00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:11,963
I'm glad you listened
to the smart guy for once.

211
00:09:12,007 --> 00:09:12,964
[chuckles]

212
00:09:13,008 --> 00:09:15,924
Whoa, almost drank a spider.

213
00:09:15,967 --> 00:09:17,186
Yeah, close one.

214
00:09:17,229 --> 00:09:18,927
Mm.
Now, listen.

215
00:09:18,970 --> 00:09:20,929
When Teddy comes down,
you act scared,

216
00:09:20,972 --> 00:09:23,975
I'll kill the spider
and look like a hero. Huh?

217
00:09:24,019 --> 00:09:25,890
All right.
Teddy, your snack is ready!

218
00:09:25,934 --> 00:09:26,891
Okay, let him go.

219
00:09:26,935 --> 00:09:28,153
No, no, no, you do it.

220
00:09:28,197 --> 00:09:29,154
He saw my face
when I grabbed him.

221
00:09:29,198 --> 00:09:30,199
He's already mad at me.

222
00:09:33,768 --> 00:09:35,552
There's nothing in here.

223
00:09:35,596 --> 00:09:36,771
Maybe he's on the lid.

224
00:09:36,814 --> 00:09:38,163
Whoa, it's on my hand!

225
00:09:38,207 --> 00:09:40,209
Where'd it go?

226
00:09:40,252 --> 00:09:42,385
Where'd what go?There's a spider loose in here.

227
00:09:42,428 --> 00:09:44,996
What?! Where?!

228
00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:46,476
Why are you running to him?

229
00:09:46,519 --> 00:09:47,477
Because it's on you.

230
00:09:47,520 --> 00:09:50,045
What?!

231
00:09:50,088 --> 00:09:51,612
What's going on?

232
00:09:51,655 --> 00:09:52,787
There was a spider on me, Andi.

233
00:09:52,830 --> 00:09:54,963
Wha...?

234
00:09:57,705 --> 00:09:59,750
Done.

235
00:09:59,794 --> 00:10:03,188
You used my Golden
Accomplishment.

236
00:10:03,232 --> 00:10:05,974
That was incredible, Mom.
You really are a hero.

237
00:10:06,017 --> 00:10:08,193
[scoffs]

238
00:10:12,284 --> 00:10:15,810
I stood up the whole time
you were being born.

239
00:10:17,638 --> 00:10:20,162
She just laid there.

240
00:10:20,205 --> 00:10:22,686
High as a kite!

241
00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:29,693
Hey, buddy.

242
00:10:29,737 --> 00:10:31,869
You need a little help
with your homework?

243
00:10:31,913 --> 00:10:33,305
I'm an ace at it.

244
00:10:33,349 --> 00:10:35,438
You might even call me
a homework hero. [chuckles]

245
00:10:35,481 --> 00:10:37,266
That'd be great; it's math.

246
00:10:37,309 --> 00:10:40,530
Okay... hit me.

247
00:10:40,573 --> 00:10:44,142
How do I factor a polynomial?

248
00:10:47,493 --> 00:10:50,105
Hey, you want to drive my truck
up the driveway?

249
00:10:53,978 --> 00:10:55,327
What are we gonna do?

250
00:10:55,371 --> 00:10:57,895
I said go right.I did go right.

251
00:10:57,939 --> 00:10:59,897
Your other right.

252
00:10:59,941 --> 00:11:01,333
[sighs]

253
00:11:08,297 --> 00:11:10,255
Ah, here comes Mom,
she's gonna kill me.

254
00:11:10,299 --> 00:11:12,257
Wha... Okay, uh, all right,
you go in the house.

255
00:11:12,301 --> 00:11:15,260
I'll take the hit.

256
00:11:15,304 --> 00:11:16,871
Which, if you have to do
another hero essay,

257
00:11:16,914 --> 00:11:18,655
might be something
you think about!

258
00:11:21,527 --> 00:11:23,399
What happened to my chair?

259
00:11:23,442 --> 00:11:26,445
My inspiring chair?

260
00:11:26,489 --> 00:11:28,709
Well, uh, well,
it told me to dream,

261
00:11:28,752 --> 00:11:32,538
so... I dozed off.

262
00:11:33,496 --> 00:11:35,411
Yeah. Your next chair should say

263
00:11:35,454 --> 00:11:37,848
"Don't leave me
in the driveway."

264
00:11:37,892 --> 00:11:40,459
Mm-hmm. You know
what I think happened?

265
00:11:40,503 --> 00:11:42,592
Hmm?You're still so mad
about that essay

266
00:11:42,635 --> 00:11:44,246
that you took it out
on my chair.

267
00:11:44,289 --> 00:11:47,292
Yeah, you are literally
a dream crusher.

268
00:11:47,336 --> 00:11:49,468
That's not true.

269
00:11:49,512 --> 00:11:51,514
Okay, well, what other
explanation is there?

270
00:11:51,557 --> 00:11:52,950
Teddy did it.

271
00:11:55,387 --> 00:11:57,128
You let Teddy drive?

272
00:11:57,172 --> 00:11:58,216
Wha...

273
00:11:58,260 --> 00:12:00,262
He can't even peel a banana.

274
00:12:00,305 --> 00:12:03,526
He just squeezes it
into his mouth like a Go-Gurt.

275
00:12:03,569 --> 00:12:06,529
It was just up and down
the driveway.

276
00:12:06,572 --> 00:12:08,749
How was I supposed to know
he'd be as bad at driving

277
00:12:08,792 --> 00:12:10,751
as he is at picking heroes?

278
00:12:12,056 --> 00:12:13,928
And there it is.

279
00:12:13,971 --> 00:12:16,800
I'm the dad, he
should have picked me.

280
00:12:16,844 --> 00:12:20,238
I mean, yeah, I'm happy for you,
blah, blah, blah, you're great.

281
00:12:21,283 --> 00:12:22,588
But fathers and sons?

282
00:12:22,632 --> 00:12:23,633
That's deep stuff.

283
00:12:23,676 --> 00:12:25,591
There's hit songs about it.

284
00:12:25,635 --> 00:12:28,899
Uh, the-- "Cat's in the Cradle,"
"Danny Boy,"

285
00:12:28,943 --> 00:12:30,335
that music

286
00:12:30,379 --> 00:12:34,122
they play when Darth Vader
walks in.

287
00:12:34,165 --> 00:12:36,994
Okay, but, honey, none of this
means you're a bad father.

288
00:12:37,038 --> 00:12:38,561
No, no.

289
00:12:38,604 --> 00:12:40,432
It means I'm not
even worth mentioning.

290
00:12:41,303 --> 00:12:42,913
You know what it's like?

291
00:12:42,957 --> 00:12:46,612
If I am not his hero,
what's the point?

292
00:12:46,656 --> 00:12:48,963
It's like I have
no effect on him.

293
00:12:49,006 --> 00:12:51,356
Oh, hon-- well, I don't want you
to feel like that.

294
00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:53,576
And it's not true.
Uh, the other day,

295
00:12:53,619 --> 00:12:56,971
I saw him drinking milk from
the carton in his underwear.

296
00:12:57,014 --> 00:12:58,668
Yeah.

297
00:12:58,711 --> 00:13:01,584
He didn't get that from me.

298
00:13:03,716 --> 00:13:05,675
[speaks gibberish]

299
00:13:05,718 --> 00:13:08,896
All boys pick their dads
as their heroes.

300
00:13:08,939 --> 00:13:11,768
I wrote one of those essays
in school, too.

301
00:13:11,812 --> 00:13:13,291
Come on, I'll show you.

302
00:13:13,335 --> 00:13:15,163
Oh, is this going to be

303
00:13:15,206 --> 00:13:17,252
the golden box of kid junk?

304
00:13:17,295 --> 00:13:20,516
It's called
the Adam Burns Golden Box

305
00:13:20,559 --> 00:13:23,519
of Childhood Accomplishments,
and you know it.

306
00:13:24,563 --> 00:13:27,915
Is this it?

307
00:13:27,958 --> 00:13:30,700
"Top ten ways I'm exactly
like Burt Reynolds."

308
00:13:33,746 --> 00:13:35,792
"Number one,
awesome mustache."

309
00:13:35,836 --> 00:13:37,359
[laughs]

310
00:13:38,577 --> 00:13:41,319
Wait, this is on
a 2002 calendar.

311
00:13:41,363 --> 00:13:43,452
W-We were married then.

312
00:13:47,543 --> 00:13:49,980
Here it is.

313
00:13:50,024 --> 00:13:51,982
"'My Hero,' by Adam Burns."

314
00:13:52,026 --> 00:13:54,202
Now listen carefully.
You listening?

315
00:13:54,245 --> 00:13:55,768
Yeah.

316
00:13:55,812 --> 00:13:58,510
"My hero is a man of integrity

317
00:13:58,554 --> 00:14:01,731
"who always takes the time
to make me feel special.

318
00:14:01,774 --> 00:14:04,255
His name
is Ronald McDonald--" what?

319
00:14:07,345 --> 00:14:09,826
Your dad is Ronald McDonald?

320
00:14:11,741 --> 00:14:14,091
Why aren't we rich?

321
00:14:14,135 --> 00:14:18,226
I can't believe
I didn't pick my dad.

322
00:14:18,269 --> 00:14:21,316
No wonder he doesn't
take me fishing.

323
00:14:22,708 --> 00:14:25,320
All these years,
his feelings have been hurt.

324
00:14:25,363 --> 00:14:27,626
Come on. You really think
he's so thin-skinned

325
00:14:27,670 --> 00:14:29,890
that he would care
about a school...

326
00:14:29,933 --> 00:14:32,544
No, that's-- people do
that, that's a thing.

327
00:14:34,982 --> 00:14:38,681
Hey, Dad, uh,
I'm glad you're here.

328
00:14:38,724 --> 00:14:41,466
I-I have something
to say to you and it's, uh,

329
00:14:41,510 --> 00:14:43,947
kind of,
it's kind of delicate.

330
00:14:43,991 --> 00:14:46,080
If you've come to take your
mother and me to a home,

331
00:14:46,123 --> 00:14:48,082
then I hope you
brought backup.

332
00:14:48,125 --> 00:14:52,086
No, no, I just wanted
to apologize for something.

333
00:14:52,129 --> 00:14:55,916
When I was a kid, I wrote an
essay at school about my hero,

334
00:14:55,959 --> 00:15:00,703
and I didn't pick you,
and I am really, really sorry.

335
00:15:00,746 --> 00:15:04,663
Son, I've been waiting to
hear you say those words

336
00:15:04,707 --> 00:15:06,752
for 40 years.

337
00:15:06,796 --> 00:15:08,232
Really?

338
00:15:08,276 --> 00:15:10,234
No, I don't know what the
hell you're talking about.

339
00:15:10,278 --> 00:15:12,628
Yes, you do.

340
00:15:12,671 --> 00:15:14,108
In sixth grade,
I picked Ronald McDonald

341
00:15:14,151 --> 00:15:15,848
as my hero instead of you.

342
00:15:15,892 --> 00:15:18,634
So what? I don't care
about being your hero.

343
00:15:18,677 --> 00:15:19,765
You don't?
No.

344
00:15:19,809 --> 00:15:20,984
Because I'm not Teddy's,

345
00:15:21,028 --> 00:15:22,725
and it's driving me crazy.

346
00:15:22,768 --> 00:15:25,597
It's like I'm not even there,
I have no effect on him.

347
00:15:25,641 --> 00:15:27,773
Oh, so you want to
talk about feelings.

348
00:15:27,817 --> 00:15:29,601
Uh, well, your
mother's at the mall.

349
00:15:29,645 --> 00:15:30,776
Maybe I can get her
on speakerphone.

350
00:15:30,820 --> 00:15:32,822
You know what,
I-I'll handle it.

351
00:15:32,865 --> 00:15:34,693
All right, all right, hold
your horses, little lady.

352
00:15:34,737 --> 00:15:35,912
Come back over here.

353
00:15:39,872 --> 00:15:41,787
Look.
[sighs]

354
00:15:41,831 --> 00:15:43,789
Don't take this Teddy
thing personally.

355
00:15:43,833 --> 00:15:48,272
Kids are... what's a
nice word for it? Dumb.

356
00:15:48,316 --> 00:15:51,014
They only look up to people
who tell them they're great

357
00:15:51,058 --> 00:15:53,669
when they're not, and
dads don't do that.

358
00:15:53,712 --> 00:15:55,671
Well, no, it doesn't
teach 'em anything.

359
00:15:55,714 --> 00:15:57,760
If we were supposed
to just hug 'em all the time,

360
00:15:57,803 --> 00:16:00,676
they wouldn't make
our faces so scratchy.
Mm.

361
00:16:00,719 --> 00:16:03,940
My job as a father was to
make sure that when you went

362
00:16:03,984 --> 00:16:06,725
out in the world, you
wouldn't be a jackass.

363
00:16:06,769 --> 00:16:08,510
I'm the guy that told you
you weren't funny.

364
00:16:08,553 --> 00:16:11,556
And that's why today
you are a little funny.

365
00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:13,732
You think I'm funny?

366
00:16:13,776 --> 00:16:15,778
A little, I said.

367
00:16:15,821 --> 00:16:17,823
And you do the
same with Teddy.

368
00:16:17,867 --> 00:16:19,869
Yeah. I tell him
what he's doing wrong,

369
00:16:19,912 --> 00:16:21,958
so when he grows up,
he'll do something right.

370
00:16:22,002 --> 00:16:25,788
Yeah. As I see it, I did a
better job at being a dad

371
00:16:25,831 --> 00:16:29,705
than my pop did, and you're
doing a better job than I did.

372
00:16:29,748 --> 00:16:32,925
I'll take that.
Hmm.

373
00:16:32,969 --> 00:16:36,625
Wait, so if you're not mad
about the essay,

374
00:16:36,668 --> 00:16:38,757
wh-why do you take
Don fishing and not me?

375
00:16:38,801 --> 00:16:42,022
He's tall. He makes
a lot of shade.

376
00:16:42,065 --> 00:16:44,546
He's like sitting under a
tree that gets you beers.

377
00:16:44,589 --> 00:16:48,941
Also, he needs more
coddling than you.

378
00:16:48,985 --> 00:16:51,161
Ha. He does. Baby.

379
00:16:51,205 --> 00:16:52,989
He's such a baby.

380
00:16:53,033 --> 00:16:57,428
But if you want, we can talk
about how much I love you, son.

381
00:16:57,472 --> 00:16:58,995
Really?

382
00:16:59,039 --> 00:17:00,736
I oobie doobie
love you so much.

383
00:17:00,779 --> 00:17:02,955
Come and sit
on Daddy's lap.

384
00:17:02,999 --> 00:17:06,089
Well, it was nice there
for a second.

385
00:17:06,133 --> 00:17:08,526
A father's work
is never done.

386
00:17:16,360 --> 00:17:18,232
Come on, we got
a surprise for you.

387
00:17:18,275 --> 00:17:21,974
Teddy, show her
what's behind door number one.

388
00:17:22,018 --> 00:17:23,541
What door?

389
00:17:23,585 --> 00:17:26,718
Take off the sheet
on your right.

390
00:17:26,762 --> 00:17:28,242
Your other right.

391
00:17:29,808 --> 00:17:31,288
[gasps]

392
00:17:31,332 --> 00:17:34,509
Oh, my God, you fixed it.

393
00:17:34,552 --> 00:17:35,901
Oh, I love it.

394
00:17:35,945 --> 00:17:36,946
Yeah, well, wait, wait,
wait, there's more.

395
00:17:36,989 --> 00:17:38,121
Teddy, show her.

396
00:17:40,863 --> 00:17:43,518
Huh? We made a set.

397
00:17:43,561 --> 00:17:46,999
"Just dream... of beer."

398
00:17:47,043 --> 00:17:48,784
Now it says something.Aw.

399
00:17:48,827 --> 00:17:50,786
His and hers.Yeah.

400
00:17:50,829 --> 00:17:52,440
Thanks, guys.Yeah. Hey, uh, Teddy,

401
00:17:52,483 --> 00:17:54,268
will you go get a dust rag
out of the garage?

402
00:17:57,053 --> 00:17:59,882
Look, I just wanted to do this
to say I'm sorry for being

403
00:17:59,925 --> 00:18:03,364
a little high maintenance
about the hero thing.

404
00:18:03,407 --> 00:18:05,192
A little?

405
00:18:06,628 --> 00:18:09,065
It was like living
with Mariah Carey.

406
00:18:11,111 --> 00:18:13,896
Hey, if moms get to be
their sons' heroes,

407
00:18:13,939 --> 00:18:17,943
then dads deserve the right
to be oversensitive.

408
00:18:17,987 --> 00:18:20,816
You guys have had that
for centuries, it's our turn.

409
00:18:22,644 --> 00:18:27,170
All right, then we get to be
the next 45 presidents.

410
00:18:30,217 --> 00:18:31,479
Fair enough.

411
00:18:35,265 --> 00:18:38,312
Hey, uh,
I meant to tell you...

412
00:18:40,052 --> 00:18:42,359
I am really proud of you
for writing that great essay

413
00:18:42,403 --> 00:18:43,882
about your mother.

414
00:18:43,926 --> 00:18:47,016
Thanks. My plan
went perfectly.

415
00:18:47,059 --> 00:18:49,888
What plan?

416
00:18:49,932 --> 00:18:53,370
Well, my teacher is a mom,
so when I had to pick a hero,

417
00:18:53,414 --> 00:18:55,024
I picked my mom.

418
00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:57,200
Like you always say,
you get what you want...

419
00:18:57,244 --> 00:19:01,465
BOTH:
By knowing
what other people want.

420
00:19:01,509 --> 00:19:04,468
Good job, buddy.

421
00:19:04,512 --> 00:19:06,470
[chuckles]
Yeah, well...

422
00:19:06,514 --> 00:19:09,343
[sighs]

423
00:19:09,386 --> 00:19:12,998
I guess we know
who your real hero is, huh?

424
00:19:13,042 --> 00:19:13,999
Oh, yeah.[laughs]

425
00:19:14,043 --> 00:19:16,001
LeBron James.

426
00:19:19,135 --> 00:19:22,791
Great choice.

427
00:19:22,834 --> 00:19:25,141
I need to be alone
for a minute.

428
00:19:31,234 --> 00:19:34,237
"Strength. Integrity.
Coins behind my ear.

429
00:19:34,281 --> 00:19:37,675
That's my dad, Joe Burns,
and that's why he's my hero."

430
00:19:40,852 --> 00:19:44,856
That's beautiful.
Never gets old, son.

431
00:19:44,900 --> 00:19:46,380
Hey, Adam, why don't you read
Dad your essay

432
00:19:46,423 --> 00:19:47,903
about him being your hero?

433
00:19:47,946 --> 00:19:49,687
You know I didn't
write about Dad.

434
00:19:49,731 --> 00:19:52,255
Oh, that's right,
who'd you pick?

435
00:19:52,299 --> 00:19:55,432
The Hamburglar?
O-Or was it Mayor McCheese?

436
00:19:55,476 --> 00:19:59,262
Dad only takes you fishing
for the shade.

437
00:19:59,306 --> 00:20:01,003
You're a beer tree.

438
00:20:01,046 --> 00:20:02,134
What?

439
00:20:02,178 --> 00:20:03,701
Why are you
causing trouble?

440
00:20:03,745 --> 00:20:05,312
A brother's work
is never done.

441
00:20:05,355 --> 00:20:07,444
Captioning sponsored by
CBS

442
00:20:11,187 --> 00:20:13,189
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org