1
00:00:02,849 --> 00:00:04,851
So, then I said
to the eye doctor,

2
00:00:04,895 --> 00:00:06,810
"I can't see it.
I can't see it.

3
00:00:06,853 --> 00:00:08,986
I cansee it.
It's gone again."

4
00:00:09,030 --> 00:00:11,206
And he said I
was very special,

5
00:00:11,249 --> 00:00:14,165
and I might be eligible
for a service dog.

6
00:00:15,253 --> 00:00:17,342
Great story, Ma.

7
00:00:17,386 --> 00:00:20,693
And that clocked in
at just under 12 minutes.JOE: Yeah.

8
00:00:20,737 --> 00:00:22,434
And she's told it
to everybody--

9
00:00:22,478 --> 00:00:23,957
the grocer,
the pharmacist,

10
00:00:24,001 --> 00:00:26,830
some poor bastard who was
holding the door for her.Shh.

11
00:00:26,873 --> 00:00:29,267
Hey, there's
my thoughtful husband.

12
00:00:29,311 --> 00:00:30,921
All right, what is it?

13
00:00:32,140 --> 00:00:33,445
Last time
she called me thoughtful,

14
00:00:33,489 --> 00:00:35,708
I had to clean a pound of hair
out of the drain.

15
00:00:35,752 --> 00:00:38,929
That kid Julian is coming over
for a playdate with Emme,

16
00:00:38,972 --> 00:00:41,018
but I have to take Kate
to the doctor,

17
00:00:41,062 --> 00:00:42,237
so you have to watch them.

18
00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:43,847
Honey, I thought we agreed
no more Julian.

19
00:00:43,890 --> 00:00:45,370
That kid's the worst.

20
00:00:45,414 --> 00:00:47,111
Well, maybe while he's here,

21
00:00:47,155 --> 00:00:48,852
he'll see
how nice people behave,

22
00:00:48,895 --> 00:00:50,723
and it'll rub off on him.

23
00:00:50,767 --> 00:00:51,855
Yeah, only a mom
would say that.

24
00:00:51,898 --> 00:00:54,684
It's sweet
and packed full of lies.

25
00:00:54,727 --> 00:00:56,903
Dads know better.

26
00:00:56,947 --> 00:00:59,515
Joe, there's no difference
between moms and dads.

27
00:01:02,170 --> 00:01:04,650
Did you just roll your eyes?

28
00:01:04,694 --> 00:01:05,869
No, no, I was making sure

29
00:01:05,912 --> 00:01:07,392
all the light
bulbs are working.

30
00:01:09,394 --> 00:01:12,093
Okay, I know it's not popular
to say these days,

31
00:01:12,136 --> 00:01:15,226
but there are some things
dads are better at.

32
00:01:15,270 --> 00:01:17,185
The fact that we're so annoying

33
00:01:17,228 --> 00:01:20,405
and you keep marrying us
proves my point.

34
00:01:20,449 --> 00:01:23,626
We keep marrying you
because we're optimists

35
00:01:23,669 --> 00:01:26,411
and they make the lids
on pickle jars too tight.

36
00:01:27,760 --> 00:01:30,459
Well, he-he's not saying
dads are better than moms.

37
00:01:30,502 --> 00:01:32,113
You're not saying
that, are you?

38
00:01:32,156 --> 00:01:34,419
I said dads are better
at some things.

39
00:01:34,463 --> 00:01:37,640
Okay, moms are better
at some things, too.

40
00:01:37,683 --> 00:01:39,511
Okay. Like what?

41
00:01:39,555 --> 00:01:41,209
Don't say cooking
and cleaning, boy.

42
00:01:43,515 --> 00:01:46,388
Okay, uh, if we're the same,

43
00:01:46,431 --> 00:01:49,913
would you like to take care of
that dead squirrel on the roof?

44
00:01:49,956 --> 00:01:53,046
I would totally do it, but I
saw an owl fly away with it.

45
00:01:53,090 --> 00:01:56,180
And I know it was a mom owl
because she handled it

46
00:01:56,224 --> 00:01:58,139
like a boss
and then didn't spend

47
00:01:58,182 --> 00:02:00,097
the next two hours
bragging about it. Ha!

48
00:02:02,055 --> 00:02:04,493
Am I right?Hey, hey.

49
00:02:04,536 --> 00:02:08,149
Oh, high five. Fun.

50
00:02:08,975 --> 00:02:10,934
Sorry I'm late.

51
00:02:10,977 --> 00:02:13,763
I found a YouTube channel
of cats punching dogs.

52
00:02:13,806 --> 00:02:15,025
ANDI:
Ooh.

53
00:02:15,068 --> 00:02:17,201
Is it better
than chickens wearing pants?

54
00:02:17,245 --> 00:02:19,421
I don't want to get political.

55
00:02:21,031 --> 00:02:22,859
Now that Don is here,
I think we should talk

56
00:02:22,902 --> 00:02:24,208
about your knee surgery.Oh.

57
00:02:24,252 --> 00:02:26,167
It's in a couple of weeks,

58
00:02:26,210 --> 00:02:28,778
and the doctor said he should
hire a home health care nurse

59
00:02:28,821 --> 00:02:31,128
for during the rehab,
but he won't agree.

60
00:02:31,172 --> 00:02:34,349
I don't want some stranger in
my house going through my stuff.

61
00:02:34,392 --> 00:02:36,829
What stuff?
You mean that jug of nickels?

62
00:02:36,873 --> 00:02:39,136
Hey, when the world
goes to hell,

63
00:02:39,180 --> 00:02:42,052
the guy with the jug of nickels
is gonna be living like a king.

64
00:02:43,575 --> 00:02:47,318
I got a can of dimes.
Smaller and twice the value.

65
00:02:47,362 --> 00:02:48,798
You're a good boy, Donny.

66
00:02:50,103 --> 00:02:51,888
So, about this nurse...I'm not listening

67
00:02:51,931 --> 00:02:53,542
to any more
of this nurse stuff.

68
00:02:53,585 --> 00:02:55,065
I'll be with the TV.

69
00:02:55,108 --> 00:02:57,372
When I push mute,
it stops talking.

70
00:02:57,415 --> 00:03:01,941
Did he really leave,
or can I just not see him?

71
00:03:03,073 --> 00:03:05,293
He's going through the couch,
looking for nickels.

72
00:03:05,336 --> 00:03:08,557
Hey, Joe, I get half
of whatever you find.

73
00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:10,559
Boys,

74
00:03:10,602 --> 00:03:12,169
your dad's gonna need help,

75
00:03:12,213 --> 00:03:14,476
and I can't get him
to listen to reason.

76
00:03:14,519 --> 00:03:16,173
He was much easier to control

77
00:03:16,217 --> 00:03:18,480
when he was getting
that medical marijuana.

78
00:03:18,523 --> 00:03:21,700
Well, his dealer was 85.

79
00:03:21,744 --> 00:03:23,267
It was time to retire.

80
00:03:24,703 --> 00:03:27,271
Someone needs to talk him into
getting a nurse,

81
00:03:27,315 --> 00:03:29,795
and there's one person
at this table he'll listen to.

82
00:03:29,839 --> 00:03:31,275
Oh, Ma.

83
00:03:31,319 --> 00:03:32,668
That's why I need help

84
00:03:32,711 --> 00:03:35,148
from his favorite son... Don.

85
00:03:36,193 --> 00:03:37,977
What?

86
00:03:38,021 --> 00:03:41,546
: Dodged
that bullet.

87
00:03:41,590 --> 00:03:44,201
I heard it whistle past my ear,
and then it hit you.

88
00:03:45,333 --> 00:03:47,291
'Cause you're a good boy, Donny.

89
00:03:53,428 --> 00:03:56,518
Hey, that weird kid's
looking at you.

90
00:03:56,561 --> 00:03:58,563
Hello, Julian.

91
00:03:58,607 --> 00:04:00,130
Listen, buddy.

92
00:04:01,262 --> 00:04:03,089
Tell your kids
to give me the swing.

93
00:04:03,133 --> 00:04:06,223
Well, buddy,
you just had your turn,

94
00:04:06,267 --> 00:04:08,094
and it's Emme's turn now.

95
00:04:08,138 --> 00:04:10,271
I don't care.
I want to swing now.

96
00:04:10,314 --> 00:04:12,185
Hey, we have something
in common.

97
00:04:12,229 --> 00:04:14,666
I don't care, either.

98
00:04:14,710 --> 00:04:15,667
You're a butthead.

99
00:04:15,711 --> 00:04:18,279
You'rea butthead.

100
00:04:18,888 --> 00:04:20,237
Two against one.

101
00:04:20,281 --> 00:04:21,456
I guess you're a butthead.

102
00:04:23,153 --> 00:04:25,373
I really
don't like that kid.

103
00:04:25,416 --> 00:04:27,636
He does have some
good comebacks.

104
00:04:27,679 --> 00:04:29,159
So, listen,

105
00:04:29,202 --> 00:04:31,640
how am I supposed to get Dad
to agree to a home nurse?

106
00:04:31,683 --> 00:04:35,078
Good luck. He never changes
his mind about anything.

107
00:04:35,121 --> 00:04:36,906
He still drops his film
at the Foto Hut

108
00:04:36,949 --> 00:04:38,473
even though it's
a frozen yogurt place now.

109
00:04:41,519 --> 00:04:44,043
Hey, what are you
doing here?

110
00:04:44,087 --> 00:04:45,131
It's still your turn.

111
00:04:45,175 --> 00:04:46,872
Julian pushed me off the swing.

112
00:04:46,916 --> 00:04:50,311
What? Teddy, did you see this?

113
00:04:50,354 --> 00:04:52,313
Yeah, he pushed her right off.

114
00:04:52,356 --> 00:04:54,445
And you didn't do anything?

115
00:04:54,489 --> 00:04:56,317
I'm a lover, not a fighter.

116
00:04:58,231 --> 00:05:00,973
Okay, Julian can't think

117
00:05:01,017 --> 00:05:04,237
pushing your little sister
is okay.

118
00:05:04,281 --> 00:05:06,979
Good thing there's a dad here.

119
00:05:07,023 --> 00:05:08,633
Teddy...

120
00:05:10,679 --> 00:05:12,376
...put him on the ground.

121
00:05:12,420 --> 00:05:14,291
I don't think Mom...

122
00:05:14,335 --> 00:05:15,988
Mom is not here.

123
00:05:16,032 --> 00:05:18,556
Put him on the ground.

124
00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:20,079
Okay.

125
00:05:34,485 --> 00:05:36,226
JULIAN:
Hey, you pushed me!

126
00:05:36,269 --> 00:05:37,227
He did it.

127
00:05:37,270 --> 00:05:40,273
My son defended his sister.

128
00:05:40,317 --> 00:05:43,320
Turn away, Don.
You might see me cry.

129
00:05:55,898 --> 00:05:58,727
So, Butterbean,
Daddy was totally right

130
00:05:58,770 --> 00:06:01,120
to tell Teddy
to put Julian on the ground.

131
00:06:01,164 --> 00:06:05,690
But that's not the kind of thing
that Mommy'd understand.

132
00:06:05,734 --> 00:06:08,040
Okay, so, let's play
a little game

133
00:06:08,084 --> 00:06:11,609
and see who can keep this secret
the longest.

134
00:06:12,610 --> 00:06:15,787
I bet I can keep it until I die.

135
00:06:15,831 --> 00:06:17,833
This is gonna be fun.

136
00:06:17,876 --> 00:06:20,575
Yeah. Okay, now, where's Teddy?
I have to tell him, too.

137
00:06:20,618 --> 00:06:22,838
He's outside playing basketball.Okay.

138
00:06:22,881 --> 00:06:24,143
And then I put Julian
on the ground,

139
00:06:24,187 --> 00:06:25,754
just like Dad told me to.
Right, Dad?

140
00:06:29,801 --> 00:06:32,456
Kids, go upstairs. I need
to talk to your father.

141
00:06:32,500 --> 00:06:35,067
Okay, when are we gonna be old
enough to stay for one of these?

142
00:06:35,111 --> 00:06:39,202
I'm gonna be married someday,
and I need to know how to do it.

143
00:06:39,245 --> 00:06:40,899
I'm going.

144
00:06:43,728 --> 00:06:46,035
You told Teddy to push Julian?

145
00:06:46,078 --> 00:06:47,602
Yes, I did.

146
00:06:47,645 --> 00:06:48,864
But we don't push people.

147
00:06:48,907 --> 00:06:50,953
No, youdon't,
'cause you're a mom.

148
00:06:50,996 --> 00:06:54,826
Come on, join the dads.

149
00:06:54,870 --> 00:06:57,829
It's fun over here.
We push people.

150
00:06:57,873 --> 00:07:02,747
There is no difference
between moms and dads.Look, will you just

151
00:07:02,791 --> 00:07:03,661
trust me on this?

152
00:07:03,705 --> 00:07:06,534
I handled it. It's dad time now.

153
00:07:06,577 --> 00:07:10,494
Okay, but this is gonna
blow up in your face.Hmm. Wha...?

154
00:07:10,538 --> 00:07:12,844
And when it does,
I'm gonna say "I told you so,"

155
00:07:12,888 --> 00:07:16,935
'cause that's something
moms are good at.

156
00:07:16,979 --> 00:07:18,676
I think I did society a favor.

157
00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:21,070
There's too many people
walking around out there

158
00:07:21,113 --> 00:07:22,767
who don't know they're boneheads

159
00:07:22,811 --> 00:07:26,510
because they didn't get put
on the ground as kids.

160
00:07:26,554 --> 00:07:28,294
Did you get put on the ground
as a kid?

161
00:07:28,338 --> 00:07:30,601
Of course I did.

162
00:07:30,645 --> 00:07:32,647
And yet you're still a bonehead.

163
00:07:33,735 --> 00:07:35,606
My point stands.

164
00:07:35,650 --> 00:07:37,390
But that was a good one.

165
00:07:37,434 --> 00:07:38,566
That was a good one, yeah.

166
00:07:38,609 --> 00:07:40,002
: Yeah,
that was a good one.

167
00:07:40,045 --> 00:07:41,960
DON:
So, I have to warn you.

168
00:07:42,004 --> 00:07:44,354
My dad's not real keen
on getting a nurse.

169
00:07:44,397 --> 00:07:46,182
Maybe you should
take off those scrubs

170
00:07:46,225 --> 00:07:48,010
so Joe isn't put off
when he walks in.

171
00:07:48,053 --> 00:07:51,143
Oh, I think he might be more
put off by a topless male nurse.

172
00:07:51,187 --> 00:07:53,450
Your résumé looks good.

173
00:07:53,494 --> 00:07:55,931
Ten years experience,
rave recommendations.

174
00:07:55,974 --> 00:07:58,237
At the top it says Funchy.
What's that?

175
00:07:58,281 --> 00:07:59,804
Oh, that's me.

176
00:07:59,848 --> 00:08:02,067
I've got "fun" right in my name.

177
00:08:02,111 --> 00:08:04,026
And "chi."

178
00:08:04,069 --> 00:08:06,724
Oh, here comes Joe.

179
00:08:06,768 --> 00:08:07,812
Let us do the talking.
We had to trick him

180
00:08:07,856 --> 00:08:08,900
to get him to come down here.

181
00:08:08,944 --> 00:08:10,859
Hey.

182
00:08:10,902 --> 00:08:13,731
Is this the guy selling the
secret recipe for Coca-Cola?

183
00:08:13,775 --> 00:08:17,213
Uh, we actually brought you here
to meet Funchy,

184
00:08:17,256 --> 00:08:20,346
a home health care nurse
for after your knee surgery.

185
00:08:20,390 --> 00:08:21,565
All right, listen up.

186
00:08:21,609 --> 00:08:22,784
I'm gonna talk to you

187
00:08:22,827 --> 00:08:24,612
the same way you talk
to everybody else.

188
00:08:24,655 --> 00:08:26,701
This is the guy.
He's your nurse,

189
00:08:26,744 --> 00:08:27,876
so no bellyaching.

190
00:08:27,919 --> 00:08:29,530
Okay, you win.

191
00:08:29,573 --> 00:08:30,922
Okay.I'll just grab a drink,

192
00:08:30,966 --> 00:08:32,968
and then we can
start the interview.

193
00:08:37,929 --> 00:08:40,715
Then he just walks out the door.
It was the perfect trick.

194
00:08:40,758 --> 00:08:42,325
It doesn't sound
like much of a trick.

195
00:08:42,368 --> 00:08:44,762
He just lied and left.

196
00:08:44,806 --> 00:08:46,982
Well, the simplicity is
what made it perfect.

197
00:08:47,025 --> 00:08:48,549
It's like ice. It's
just frozen water,

198
00:08:48,592 --> 00:08:50,333
but it changed the world.

199
00:08:50,376 --> 00:08:51,595
KATE:
Dad,

200
00:08:51,639 --> 00:08:53,292
Teddy was using
my mascara brush

201
00:08:53,336 --> 00:08:55,730
to make it look
like he had chest hair.

202
00:08:55,773 --> 00:08:58,123
I just wanted to see what
it's gonna look like on me.

203
00:08:58,167 --> 00:08:59,734
It's gonna look so good,

204
00:08:59,777 --> 00:09:01,997
you won't mind
that's it's also on your back.

205
00:09:02,867 --> 00:09:05,000
Oh, hey.

206
00:09:05,043 --> 00:09:06,828
Your Uncle Don told me
you pushed a kid down.

207
00:09:06,871 --> 00:09:10,005
All right, I don't need
any more lectures.MARCY: No, no.

208
00:09:10,048 --> 00:09:11,833
I'm proud.
He always seemed a little soft.

209
00:09:13,051 --> 00:09:14,400
Next time, go
for the windpipe.

210
00:09:14,444 --> 00:09:16,489
You can't fight if
you can't breathe.

211
00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:20,145
Wait, so you agree with me?

212
00:09:20,189 --> 00:09:22,800
Because Andi came out
pretty strong against it.

213
00:09:22,844 --> 00:09:25,629
She's soft,
just like Teddy used to be.

214
00:09:25,673 --> 00:09:28,893
Oh, there's my boy.

215
00:09:28,937 --> 00:09:30,199
I heard about what happened,

216
00:09:30,242 --> 00:09:32,941
and I wanted to give you
my old boxing gloves.

217
00:09:32,984 --> 00:09:35,030
If you need it to be over quick,
there's a hole inside

218
00:09:35,073 --> 00:09:36,640
where you can slip in
a couple of batteries.

219
00:09:36,684 --> 00:09:38,773
Kapowie! Hmm?

220
00:09:38,816 --> 00:09:41,602
All right, all right,
take it easy, champ.

221
00:09:41,645 --> 00:09:43,038
Thanks, Grandpa.

222
00:09:43,081 --> 00:09:43,995
Hey, Kate, you want
to go upstairs

223
00:09:44,039 --> 00:09:45,040
and see if I can
take a punch?

224
00:09:45,083 --> 00:09:47,085
Yeah, all right.

225
00:09:49,261 --> 00:09:51,220
Hey, guys.

226
00:09:51,263 --> 00:09:52,613
What's the occasion?

227
00:09:52,656 --> 00:09:56,051
Well, the occasion
is everybody agrees with me

228
00:09:56,094 --> 00:09:58,227
about Teddy putting that kid
on the ground.

229
00:09:58,270 --> 00:10:01,012
Yeah. You said it was
gonna blow up in my face,

230
00:10:01,056 --> 00:10:02,884
but the only thing on my face

231
00:10:02,927 --> 00:10:06,409
is a big smile
from being right.

232
00:10:06,452 --> 00:10:10,021
Am I really the only voice
of reason around here?

233
00:10:10,065 --> 00:10:12,023
I hate to say it, but
this all comes back

234
00:10:12,067 --> 00:10:15,897
to dads are just better
at some stuff than moms.

235
00:10:15,940 --> 00:10:17,202
It doesn't even make sense.

236
00:10:17,246 --> 00:10:19,422
Marcy agrees with you,
and she's a mom.

237
00:10:19,465 --> 00:10:21,032
Sorry. It's
not the gender.

238
00:10:21,076 --> 00:10:22,468
It's how your
relationship works.

239
00:10:22,512 --> 00:10:24,906
And in our relationship,
he's the mom.

240
00:10:24,949 --> 00:10:27,125
You tell 'em,
Big Daddy.

241
00:10:28,518 --> 00:10:30,128
ADAM:
Did you get Dad

242
00:10:30,172 --> 00:10:31,739
to agree to that nurse yet?

243
00:10:31,782 --> 00:10:33,262
Or did he pull
another Mission: Impossible

244
00:10:33,305 --> 00:10:35,307
and just walk out
right in front of you?

245
00:10:35,351 --> 00:10:38,093
Don't worry about me. I still
got a few tricks up my sleeve.

246
00:10:38,136 --> 00:10:39,877
Yeah? If you don't
get dad a nurse,

247
00:10:39,921 --> 00:10:42,097
the only thing up your sleeve
is gonna be sudsy water

248
00:10:42,140 --> 00:10:43,446
when you're giving Dad
a sponge bath.

249
00:10:43,489 --> 00:10:45,883
Maybe I'll hold on to
these nurse résumés.

250
00:10:45,927 --> 00:10:48,233
Now that I'm single,
I don't have anyone

251
00:10:48,277 --> 00:10:50,235
to take care of me
if something happens.

252
00:10:50,279 --> 00:10:51,976
Plus, the company would be nice.

253
00:10:52,020 --> 00:10:54,109
I wish they had a thing
for single guys

254
00:10:54,152 --> 00:10:55,327
where you could pay someone

255
00:10:55,371 --> 00:10:57,199
to hang out with you
on lonely nights.

256
00:10:58,504 --> 00:11:00,289
They have that.

257
00:11:00,332 --> 00:11:03,596
Yeah, they'll even dress up
like a nurse if you want.

258
00:11:05,033 --> 00:11:05,990
Hi.

259
00:11:06,034 --> 00:11:07,557
Hi, honey.

260
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:09,124
I'm surprised you came
into work today.

261
00:11:09,167 --> 00:11:11,604
Considering how right
I was about Teddy,

262
00:11:11,648 --> 00:11:13,911
I thought
you might call in wrong.

263
00:11:13,955 --> 00:11:15,652
Well, you'd be wrong.

264
00:11:15,696 --> 00:11:17,567
Yeah, 'cause I just had
an interesting conversation

265
00:11:17,610 --> 00:11:19,090
with Teddy's school.

266
00:11:19,134 --> 00:11:21,571
He spent the morning
pushing kids at recess.

267
00:11:21,614 --> 00:11:24,226
What?!Sweet little Teddy
took it to the streets?

268
00:11:24,269 --> 00:11:26,881
As a mom, I don't condone that.

269
00:11:26,924 --> 00:11:29,622
I didn't tell him
to push other kids.

270
00:11:29,666 --> 00:11:31,886
Do you remember
what I told you?

271
00:11:31,929 --> 00:11:34,018
That this was gonna
blow up in your face?

272
00:11:34,062 --> 00:11:35,193
Let's not
live in the past.

273
00:11:35,237 --> 00:11:37,065
Let's be about the future.

274
00:11:37,108 --> 00:11:40,111
Well, the future is gonna be me
telling you, "I told you so."

275
00:11:40,155 --> 00:11:43,114
I told you so.
Welcome to the future.

276
00:11:49,860 --> 00:11:51,601
Principal Collins,
we are so sorry.

277
00:11:51,644 --> 00:11:53,864
I mean, I-I'm sorry
because he's my kid, and,

278
00:11:53,908 --> 00:11:56,258
well, he's sorry
'cause it's all his fault.

279
00:11:56,301 --> 00:11:58,782
Told you so.

280
00:11:58,826 --> 00:12:00,784
Look, Teddy is a good kid.

281
00:12:00,828 --> 00:12:02,612
He just got
a little carried away.

282
00:12:02,655 --> 00:12:05,180
I don't think we
have to overreact.

283
00:12:05,223 --> 00:12:07,182
Well, due to our zero tolerance
policy on fighting,

284
00:12:07,225 --> 00:12:09,619
I'm placing him in detention
for the rest of the week.

285
00:12:09,662 --> 00:12:12,274
I was just protecting
little kids from bullies.

286
00:12:12,317 --> 00:12:14,189
Well, that changes everything.

287
00:12:14,232 --> 00:12:18,715
We are all against
bullying here, I... I hope.

288
00:12:18,759 --> 00:12:20,848
You're not
pro-bully, are you?

289
00:12:20,891 --> 00:12:22,588
Of course not.

290
00:12:22,632 --> 00:12:24,721
I thought I was just
acting like Batman.

291
00:12:24,765 --> 00:12:26,810
There you go. Huh?

292
00:12:26,854 --> 00:12:29,987
You wouldn't put Batman
in detention, would you?

293
00:12:30,031 --> 00:12:32,294
Another option might be to
give him a little Batsuit

294
00:12:32,337 --> 00:12:35,993
and let him do
his thing.

295
00:12:36,037 --> 00:12:38,735
People think I'm
funny at work.

296
00:12:38,779 --> 00:12:41,085
Okay, that's it.
You are off the job.

297
00:12:41,129 --> 00:12:43,000
It is Mom time now.

298
00:12:43,044 --> 00:12:45,176
Mom time. That's funny.

299
00:12:45,220 --> 00:12:46,787
Oh.

300
00:12:46,830 --> 00:12:49,702
This is not my crowd.

301
00:12:51,356 --> 00:12:52,749
You are in
big trouble, mister.

302
00:12:52,793 --> 00:12:54,925
You can't go around
pushing people.

303
00:12:54,969 --> 00:12:57,580
All right? You use your words,
or you get an adult.

304
00:12:57,623 --> 00:13:00,496
What if that adult is Dad,
and he tells me to shove them?

305
00:13:02,498 --> 00:13:04,282
Don't take me down with you.

306
00:13:05,327 --> 00:13:07,459
We sleep in the same room.

307
00:13:07,503 --> 00:13:10,854
It is never okay, ever.

308
00:13:10,898 --> 00:13:12,856
What if someone's
picking on Emme,

309
00:13:12,900 --> 00:13:15,903
and my words don't work,
and there's no adults around?

310
00:13:15,946 --> 00:13:17,948
Well...

311
00:13:19,907 --> 00:13:21,865
Well...

312
00:13:24,346 --> 00:13:26,609
Well, y...

313
00:13:30,265 --> 00:13:32,049
You stumped her, pal.

314
00:13:34,095 --> 00:13:35,966
What a week for you.

315
00:13:36,924 --> 00:13:38,795
I'm not stumped, okay?

316
00:13:38,839 --> 00:13:41,885
I'm just taking a moment
to figure out

317
00:13:41,929 --> 00:13:46,324
how to explain
that obviously...

318
00:13:47,325 --> 00:13:49,937
...the answer is...

319
00:13:49,980 --> 00:13:51,895
something I'm gonna tell
your dad in the other room.

320
00:13:55,420 --> 00:13:56,900
Dad?
Hmm?

321
00:13:56,944 --> 00:13:58,162
Am I still in trouble?

322
00:13:58,206 --> 00:14:00,121
I think things are looking up
for both of us.

323
00:14:01,949 --> 00:14:04,690
Yes, darling?

324
00:14:04,734 --> 00:14:06,692
Look, I-I don't know
what to say to him.

325
00:14:06,736 --> 00:14:08,912
I mean, I don't want anybody
pushing my daughter,

326
00:14:08,956 --> 00:14:11,436
but as a mom, I can't tell him
to push another kid.

327
00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:14,091
Hmm. So you want me
to talk to him?
Yeah.

328
00:14:14,135 --> 00:14:16,093
Because you're the mom.Yeah.

329
00:14:16,137 --> 00:14:17,834
And I'm the...

330
00:14:17,878 --> 00:14:19,618
What am I again?

331
00:14:19,662 --> 00:14:22,795
Rhymes with "glad."

332
00:14:22,839 --> 00:14:24,580
Bonehead?

333
00:14:24,623 --> 00:14:27,061
Going down swinging.
I respect that.

334
00:14:27,104 --> 00:14:29,150
Okay. Fine,
you're the dad,

335
00:14:29,193 --> 00:14:31,239
and there's differences
between moms and dads.

336
00:14:31,282 --> 00:14:32,805
Now I really need you
to handle this!

337
00:14:32,849 --> 00:14:36,984
It feels so good
to be right.

338
00:14:37,027 --> 00:14:40,204
This must be what it
feels like to be you.

339
00:14:41,640 --> 00:14:43,947
All right.

340
00:14:43,991 --> 00:14:46,994
Teddy,

341
00:14:47,037 --> 00:14:49,213
step into the elevator
and let's take a ride up

342
00:14:49,257 --> 00:14:50,998
to the men's department.

343
00:14:51,041 --> 00:14:51,999
Okay?

344
00:14:52,042 --> 00:14:53,609
Here's the deal.

345
00:14:53,652 --> 00:14:55,002
You can't police the world.

346
00:14:55,045 --> 00:14:59,006
Using your words is your first
and best option.

347
00:14:59,049 --> 00:15:04,098
But sometimes...
if your words don't work,

348
00:15:04,141 --> 00:15:07,188
you do what you have to do
to protect your family.

349
00:15:07,231 --> 00:15:10,582
That is the code
that we live by, hmm?

350
00:15:10,626 --> 00:15:12,802
You're making it sound
like the mob.

351
00:15:12,845 --> 00:15:16,066
Yes! Thank you, Andi.

352
00:15:16,110 --> 00:15:18,677
Thank you.
We are like the mob.

353
00:15:20,549 --> 00:15:22,638
Okay? And like the mob,

354
00:15:22,681 --> 00:15:24,770
if you do the crime,

355
00:15:24,814 --> 00:15:26,729
you do the time.

356
00:15:26,772 --> 00:15:29,645
So, it's detention at school,

357
00:15:29,688 --> 00:15:33,954
and I want you to apologize to
those kids from the playground.

358
00:15:33,997 --> 00:15:36,304
Okay.Okay.

359
00:15:36,347 --> 00:15:39,046
So does our mob include
my girlfriend?

360
00:15:42,005 --> 00:15:43,920
You have a girlfriend?

361
00:15:45,226 --> 00:15:47,837
Your first girlfriend?

362
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:49,447
Since when?

363
00:15:49,491 --> 00:15:52,581
Since today.
Chicks dig Batman.

364
00:16:03,287 --> 00:16:05,507
Head upstairs and draw on
some chest hair, son.

365
00:16:05,550 --> 00:16:07,552
You've earned it.

366
00:16:10,077 --> 00:16:12,035
You're a good boy, Teddy!

367
00:16:15,473 --> 00:16:17,954
That was pretty
good with Teddy.
Mm.

368
00:16:17,998 --> 00:16:19,912
Hey, you did your part, too.

369
00:16:19,956 --> 00:16:21,349
Nah, you're just
saying that.

370
00:16:21,392 --> 00:16:23,133
No, I'm serious.

371
00:16:23,177 --> 00:16:25,744
Moms appeal
to kids' better nature,

372
00:16:25,788 --> 00:16:28,051
and dads teach them
how to defend themselves

373
00:16:28,095 --> 00:16:31,663
when other people
don't have good moms.

374
00:16:31,707 --> 00:16:33,056
I like that.

375
00:16:33,100 --> 00:16:34,927
Yeah, I can get deep.

376
00:16:36,103 --> 00:16:38,844
It's the beer.
Beer makes me deep.

377
00:16:42,109 --> 00:16:44,198
Hey, man.
Hey.

378
00:16:44,241 --> 00:16:46,896
I tried everything, but I can't
get Dad to agree to a nurse.

379
00:16:46,939 --> 00:16:50,160
I'm jeopardizing his health,
disappointing Mom.

380
00:16:50,204 --> 00:16:52,902
I feel terrible.

381
00:16:52,945 --> 00:16:56,514
Oh, Don, I hate
seeing you like this.

382
00:16:56,558 --> 00:16:59,778
Okay, I'll talk to Dad.

383
00:16:59,822 --> 00:17:02,912
Ha! No take-backs!Wha...?

384
00:17:02,955 --> 00:17:04,870
What? You tricked me!

385
00:17:04,914 --> 00:17:07,221
That's right.
It's all on you now. Whoo!

386
00:17:10,311 --> 00:17:13,096
I don't want
to deal with this.

387
00:17:13,140 --> 00:17:15,794
Well, you don't
have to do it.

388
00:17:15,838 --> 00:17:17,927
He said no take-backs.

389
00:17:19,189 --> 00:17:22,236
He got me fair
and square, Andi.

390
00:17:23,889 --> 00:17:25,848
ADAM:
Dad,

391
00:17:25,891 --> 00:17:27,676
we need to have
a serious conversation

392
00:17:27,719 --> 00:17:29,808
about you hiring Funchy.

393
00:17:29,852 --> 00:17:31,941
Can we hurry this up?
I left an old lady

394
00:17:31,984 --> 00:17:33,464
in a wheelchair
by the duck pond,

395
00:17:33,508 --> 00:17:35,292
and she is notgonna
sleep forever.

396
00:17:36,337 --> 00:17:38,078
I hope.

397
00:17:38,121 --> 00:17:39,688
Why are you doing this?

398
00:17:39,731 --> 00:17:41,864
I thought Don was
handling the nurse stuff.

399
00:17:41,907 --> 00:17:43,300
Don handed it off to me.

400
00:17:43,344 --> 00:17:44,606
Which I knew he would.

401
00:17:44,649 --> 00:17:48,131
Oh, this is working out
just like I planned.

402
00:17:48,175 --> 00:17:50,264
Oh, so all that stuff

403
00:17:50,307 --> 00:17:53,093
about him being the favorite
was to trick him.

404
00:17:53,136 --> 00:17:54,659
No, no, that part's true.

405
00:17:54,703 --> 00:17:58,272
I just didn't want to hurt his
feelings by asking you first.

406
00:17:58,315 --> 00:18:01,144
Well, I'm glad we're not
hurting people's feelings.

407
00:18:01,188 --> 00:18:03,494
Hey, look, Dad,
we all know

408
00:18:03,538 --> 00:18:05,279
that this knee surgery
is gonna be tough,

409
00:18:05,322 --> 00:18:07,019
and you're gonna need some help.

410
00:18:07,063 --> 00:18:08,847
Okay, okay, you're always
looking out for me.

411
00:18:08,891 --> 00:18:10,806
I'm just gonna grab a drink
from the kitchen,

412
00:18:10,849 --> 00:18:12,199
and then
we can get started.Mm-hmm.

413
00:18:12,242 --> 00:18:15,593
Uh, uh...
mm, uh...

414
00:18:15,637 --> 00:18:17,204
Damn, I guess
that only works on Donny.

415
00:18:17,247 --> 00:18:19,336
Listen,

416
00:18:19,380 --> 00:18:22,034
you need a nurse,
but nobody can argue with you,

417
00:18:22,078 --> 00:18:24,211
so I'm gonna have to appeal
to your better nature.

418
00:18:24,254 --> 00:18:27,214
That's why I'm calling
in my teammate, Andi.

419
00:18:27,257 --> 00:18:29,303
I knew you would
ask her to do it.

420
00:18:29,346 --> 00:18:32,871
Ah. I pull all the strings
in this family.

421
00:18:32,915 --> 00:18:34,395
JOE:
Nothing she says

422
00:18:34,438 --> 00:18:35,961
is gonna change my mind.

423
00:18:36,005 --> 00:18:37,659
I'm not getting
a damn nurse!

424
00:18:37,702 --> 00:18:41,228
Okay, let's just see how
you do in the hands of a mom.

425
00:18:42,359 --> 00:18:44,361
Joe.

426
00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:50,193
I love you, and I just... just
want you to make me proud.

427
00:18:50,237 --> 00:18:52,369
What are you,
my Little League coach?

428
00:18:52,413 --> 00:18:56,112
I believe you have it
in you to try this,

429
00:18:56,156 --> 00:18:59,420
because, well, you're
the bravest man I know.

430
00:18:59,463 --> 00:19:02,814
That's powerful
because it's true.Yeah.

431
00:19:02,858 --> 00:19:05,904
And you know the real
reason to get a nurse

432
00:19:05,948 --> 00:19:07,689
is to lighten the
load for Bev,

433
00:19:07,732 --> 00:19:10,257
and I know you'd do
anything for your wife.

434
00:19:11,562 --> 00:19:13,434
Fine, I'll have a nurse.

435
00:19:13,477 --> 00:19:17,568
No take-backs.
Ha! We got him.

436
00:19:17,612 --> 00:19:19,222
But I won't be nice to him.

437
00:19:19,266 --> 00:19:22,486
Oh, yay!
I'm so glad I got this job.

438
00:19:22,530 --> 00:19:25,315
Let me tell you,
this isn't gonna be easy.

439
00:19:25,359 --> 00:19:29,014
He's been real touchy since
his pot guy retired to Orlando.

440
00:19:29,058 --> 00:19:31,930
It was medical marijuana.
I only used it for my glaucoma

441
00:19:31,974 --> 00:19:34,019
and your mother's
boring stories.

442
00:19:35,412 --> 00:19:38,894
I, too, am a big
believer in Vitamin Weed.

443
00:19:38,937 --> 00:19:40,983
You should know,
if I'm your nurse,

444
00:19:41,026 --> 00:19:43,420
I won't be able
to pass a drug test.

445
00:19:44,552 --> 00:19:46,249
The good news is,

446
00:19:46,293 --> 00:19:48,208
neither will you.

447
00:19:48,251 --> 00:19:50,471
I like him.

448
00:19:50,514 --> 00:19:53,778
But no taking my
temperature the baby way.

449
00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:04,789
I don't know
what these buttons do,

450
00:20:04,833 --> 00:20:06,617
but I just knocked
your ass out.

451
00:20:08,053 --> 00:20:09,577
Hey, Funchy.

452
00:20:09,620 --> 00:20:11,579
What are you doing here?

453
00:20:11,622 --> 00:20:12,971
He hasn't had
his surgery yet.

454
00:20:13,015 --> 00:20:14,712
I brought over a
little pre-op medicine,

455
00:20:14,756 --> 00:20:17,585
if you know what I mean.

456
00:20:17,628 --> 00:20:20,327
I could smell what you mean
from the sidewalk.

457
00:20:20,370 --> 00:20:22,198
Why'd you call me?

458
00:20:22,242 --> 00:20:23,721
There's a hairball
in my shower drain.

459
00:20:23,765 --> 00:20:25,419
I hear you're good
at fixing that.

460
00:20:26,594 --> 00:20:27,638
Oh, no problem.

461
00:20:27,682 --> 00:20:30,250
Let me just get
a drink first.Yeah.

462
00:20:33,601 --> 00:20:35,603
It's the perfect trick.

463
00:20:40,085 --> 00:20:43,045
Captioning sponsored by
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464
00:20:43,088 --> 00:20:46,091
Captioned by
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