1
00:00:02,124 --> 00:00:04,457
Hey, Katie.
Hi, uh, Teddy and I
want to show Emme
2
00:00:04,459 --> 00:00:06,126
The Princess Bride.
Is she old enough?
3
00:00:06,128 --> 00:00:07,627
Yeah. Well, uh, wait.
4
00:00:07,629 --> 00:00:09,529
Yes.
Yes. Like I said, yes.
5
00:00:10,799 --> 00:00:12,232
Oh, man.
6
00:00:12,234 --> 00:00:14,300
Teddy never puts away his iPad.
7
00:00:15,637 --> 00:00:17,303
Oh, my God.
8
00:00:17,305 --> 00:00:18,338
What?
9
00:00:18,340 --> 00:00:19,739
See for yourself.
10
00:00:21,476 --> 00:00:23,209
That's a naked lady.
11
00:00:24,679 --> 00:00:26,346
On Teddy's iPad.
12
00:00:26,348 --> 00:00:27,680
He's 11.
13
00:00:27,682 --> 00:00:29,582
And there's a naked lady
on his iPad?
14
00:00:31,653 --> 00:00:33,486
That's not so bad--
it's just the top half.
15
00:00:34,456 --> 00:00:36,456
God,
I can't believe
16
00:00:36,458 --> 00:00:39,492
Teddy's going online and looking
at pictures of naked women.
17
00:00:39,494 --> 00:00:42,462
And then leaving
the computer out.
18
00:00:42,464 --> 00:00:44,130
Rookie mistake.
19
00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:47,434
That doesn't sound like him.
20
00:00:47,436 --> 00:00:49,069
Wait a minute...
21
00:00:53,175 --> 00:00:54,541
Was this you?
22
00:00:54,543 --> 00:00:55,809
No.
23
00:00:55,811 --> 00:00:57,377
I like a little
more of a story.
24
00:00:57,379 --> 00:00:58,778
I'm old-fashioned.
25
00:01:00,715 --> 00:01:02,782
Hey, come on, don't you
supervise him when he's online?
26
00:01:02,784 --> 00:01:05,318
When he's online?
He's online all the time.
27
00:01:05,320 --> 00:01:06,386
If I was
gonna watch
28
00:01:06,388 --> 00:01:08,121
what he's doing, I'd have to...
29
00:01:08,123 --> 00:01:11,224
quit my job and give
the other two kids away.
30
00:01:12,160 --> 00:01:13,493
Oh, I know.
31
00:01:14,396 --> 00:01:16,262
My precious, innocent Teddy
32
00:01:16,264 --> 00:01:18,098
isn't so innocent anymore.
33
00:01:18,100 --> 00:01:20,567
Now he's-he's just like...
34
00:01:20,569 --> 00:01:22,235
one of you.
35
00:01:23,238 --> 00:01:24,571
Hey.
36
00:01:25,373 --> 00:01:26,773
She's not wrong.
37
00:01:27,642 --> 00:01:29,309
(stammers)
Look at her.
38
00:01:29,311 --> 00:01:31,377
I mean, why is it always
some hoochie mama?
39
00:01:31,379 --> 00:01:33,713
I mean, where
are the naked doctors?
40
00:01:34,616 --> 00:01:35,648
Naked astronauts?
41
00:01:35,650 --> 00:01:37,717
Naked presidents?
42
00:01:37,719 --> 00:01:39,385
They're out there.
Put dot com
43
00:01:39,387 --> 00:01:41,354
at the end of any one of those,
you'll find it.
44
00:01:42,491 --> 00:01:43,456
Okay, look... we can't just
45
00:01:43,458 --> 00:01:44,891
let Teddy sit around
46
00:01:44,893 --> 00:01:47,460
and look at the top half
of naked women.
47
00:01:47,462 --> 00:01:49,829
W-What are you gonna do?
What am I gonna do?
48
00:01:49,831 --> 00:01:52,365
Yeah.
Oh, no, no.
You are gonna have
49
00:01:52,367 --> 00:01:53,633
the birds and the bees talk
with him.
50
00:01:53,635 --> 00:01:55,635
Oh, the talk?
51
00:01:56,571 --> 00:01:59,506
Oh...
52
00:01:59,508 --> 00:02:01,441
Well, can't that wait until
53
00:02:01,443 --> 00:02:03,343
he starts looking
at the bottom half?
54
00:02:04,246 --> 00:02:05,411
Because that's where
55
00:02:05,413 --> 00:02:07,547
the questions come in.
56
00:02:07,549 --> 00:02:10,283
No, Adam,
there's no avoiding this.
57
00:02:10,285 --> 00:02:12,919
I do the girls,
you do the boy.
58
00:02:12,921 --> 00:02:14,387
It's your job.
59
00:02:14,389 --> 00:02:15,522
All right, fine,
I'll handle it.
60
00:02:15,524 --> 00:02:16,856
Thank you.
61
00:02:16,858 --> 00:02:18,424
Oh, and when you talk to him,
62
00:02:18,426 --> 00:02:20,260
d-don't mention
the pictures, okay?
63
00:02:20,262 --> 00:02:21,728
We don't want there to be
any shame involved.
64
00:02:21,730 --> 00:02:25,465
How do I talk about
this stuff without shame?
65
00:02:25,467 --> 00:02:26,900
They go hand in hand.
66
00:02:26,902 --> 00:02:28,401
Yeah, shame's
what makes it hot.
67
00:02:28,403 --> 00:02:29,769
Ye...
68
00:02:29,771 --> 00:02:33,306
No, we're not trying
to make it hot, Don.
69
00:02:33,308 --> 00:02:36,442
No, and if you want, um,
70
00:02:36,444 --> 00:02:37,844
I got this book
71
00:02:37,846 --> 00:02:39,879
to give Kate the talk.
Oh.
72
00:02:39,881 --> 00:02:41,581
And the book came with these two
73
00:02:41,583 --> 00:02:44,751
anatomically correct dolls,
Sandy and Randy.
74
00:02:46,888 --> 00:02:49,556
Educational body buddies.
75
00:02:49,558 --> 00:02:52,592
They look just like regular
dolls.
76
00:02:52,594 --> 00:02:54,227
Oh, well, um...
77
00:02:54,229 --> 00:02:56,196
take a look
under that Velcro flap.
78
00:03:00,635 --> 00:03:02,969
Oh!
79
00:03:02,971 --> 00:03:05,905
Looks like Randy just
got out of the pool.
80
00:03:07,576 --> 00:03:09,642
¶ ¶
81
00:03:21,323 --> 00:03:23,389
Teddy.
82
00:03:24,359 --> 00:03:25,625
Hi, Dad.
83
00:03:25,627 --> 00:03:28,328
Hey, buddy, uh...
84
00:03:31,333 --> 00:03:32,532
You know,
85
00:03:32,534 --> 00:03:35,268
I was just thinking that, uh,
86
00:03:35,270 --> 00:03:38,304
maybe we should have
a conversation
87
00:03:38,306 --> 00:03:41,841
about where babies come from.
88
00:03:41,843 --> 00:03:43,509
So, why don't you tell me
what you know,
89
00:03:43,511 --> 00:03:45,578
and, uh, I'll fill in the rest.
90
00:03:47,315 --> 00:03:49,349
Okay.
91
00:03:49,351 --> 00:03:51,884
Well, a man and a woman
92
00:03:51,886 --> 00:03:54,520
lie down together,
usually in a bed.
93
00:03:54,522 --> 00:03:56,889
Ah, you're a traditionalist.
94
00:03:56,891 --> 00:03:58,791
I like it.
95
00:04:00,362 --> 00:04:02,795
Then a golden egg
appears between them.
96
00:04:06,468 --> 00:04:09,569
Uh, a what now?
97
00:04:09,571 --> 00:04:10,770
A golden egg.
98
00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:14,974
The woman eats it and a few
months later she has a baby.
99
00:04:16,878 --> 00:04:18,911
Uh-huh.
100
00:04:18,913 --> 00:04:21,414
Then the man falls asleep
101
00:04:21,416 --> 00:04:23,483
and the woman yells at him.
102
00:04:29,424 --> 00:04:31,457
You nailed it, boss.
103
00:04:31,459 --> 00:04:33,426
Yeah.
104
00:04:33,428 --> 00:04:35,028
There you go. Okay.
105
00:04:43,338 --> 00:04:44,837
How did it go with the boy?
106
00:04:44,839 --> 00:04:48,408
Well, one of us is wrong
about where babies come from.
107
00:04:52,681 --> 00:04:55,715
And, uh, I'm pretty sure
it's him.
108
00:04:57,919 --> 00:04:59,852
So he didn't know anything?
109
00:04:59,854 --> 00:05:01,654
No. So I bailed.
110
00:05:01,656 --> 00:05:04,424
And I think that's
okay. I mean,
111
00:05:04,426 --> 00:05:06,092
no one ever
had the talk with me.
112
00:05:07,462 --> 00:05:08,861
I did. When you were eight.
113
00:05:08,863 --> 00:05:10,830
I told you babies
came out of your butt.
114
00:05:10,832 --> 00:05:12,432
And you believed me.
115
00:05:16,705 --> 00:05:19,572
Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.
116
00:05:20,842 --> 00:05:22,375
That was not cool.
Every time I went
117
00:05:22,377 --> 00:05:23,409
to the bathroom I was afraid
118
00:05:23,411 --> 00:05:25,678
I was gonna have a baby.
119
00:05:27,082 --> 00:05:29,482
I got to go back up there.
120
00:05:29,484 --> 00:05:31,417
Even I know
that's the right thing to do.
Yeah.
121
00:05:31,419 --> 00:05:34,754
Hey, come with me. If the two
of us are there, it'll seem...
122
00:05:34,756 --> 00:05:37,457
it'll seem more like
a casual conversation.
123
00:05:37,459 --> 00:05:38,691
Okay, yeah.
124
00:05:38,693 --> 00:05:40,093
We're family.
Mm.
125
00:05:40,095 --> 00:05:42,362
We help each other out.
Okay.
126
00:05:48,603 --> 00:05:50,570
(door closes)
127
00:05:53,074 --> 00:05:55,908
Teddy.
128
00:05:55,910 --> 00:05:57,410
Yeah?
129
00:05:57,412 --> 00:06:00,113
So, uh...
130
00:06:00,115 --> 00:06:02,582
turns out that your
131
00:06:02,584 --> 00:06:05,651
golden egg theory
was a little off.
132
00:06:05,653 --> 00:06:07,954
So I'm here
133
00:06:07,956 --> 00:06:09,589
to give you
the real story.
134
00:06:09,591 --> 00:06:13,393
And I brought two
friends of mine.
135
00:06:13,395 --> 00:06:14,794
This is Sandy
136
00:06:14,796 --> 00:06:16,829
and this is Randy.
137
00:06:16,831 --> 00:06:19,699
And they really, really
love each other.
138
00:06:20,835 --> 00:06:23,503
Okay, uh...
139
00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:29,075
hold on to your hat.
140
00:06:29,077 --> 00:06:31,611
And, uh, that's
pretty much that.
141
00:06:33,715 --> 00:06:36,048
Now, I know it's a lot
142
00:06:36,050 --> 00:06:37,750
to take in,
143
00:06:37,752 --> 00:06:39,152
but, uh...
144
00:06:48,596 --> 00:06:51,564
You, uh, you doing
okay there, buddy?
145
00:06:54,536 --> 00:06:56,536
I, uh...
146
00:07:06,181 --> 00:07:08,915
Here's ten dollars. Buy
yourself something nice, okay?
147
00:07:11,519 --> 00:07:13,920
Oh, hey, honey, I have a-a
safety meeting at the hospital,
148
00:07:13,922 --> 00:07:17,623
but I brought home
some pizza for the...
149
00:07:19,961 --> 00:07:21,861
What happened to you?
150
00:07:21,863 --> 00:07:23,830
Well...
151
00:07:23,832 --> 00:07:26,132
I just put on
a pornographic puppet show
152
00:07:26,134 --> 00:07:28,835
for my only son.
153
00:07:28,837 --> 00:07:32,505
Well, hey, you had the talk
with Teddy, that's great.
154
00:07:32,507 --> 00:07:36,142
(scoffs)
Yeah, and a puppet show,
you found a way to make it fun.
155
00:07:36,144 --> 00:07:39,512
I wouldn't call it fun.
156
00:07:39,514 --> 00:07:40,680
I was just
gonna give him
157
00:07:40,682 --> 00:07:42,114
the basics, but..
158
00:07:42,116 --> 00:07:43,516
he kept staring at me.
159
00:07:43,518 --> 00:07:44,550
So I kept
160
00:07:44,552 --> 00:07:45,985
filling the silences
161
00:07:45,987 --> 00:07:47,687
with more detail.
162
00:07:47,689 --> 00:07:48,855
You know, and,
163
00:07:48,857 --> 00:07:50,223
and the quieter he got,
164
00:07:50,225 --> 00:07:52,592
the more I explained, and...
165
00:07:52,594 --> 00:07:54,861
and then, 'cause I thought
I'd never see happiness
166
00:07:54,863 --> 00:07:56,996
in my son's eyes again,
167
00:07:56,998 --> 00:07:59,899
I gave him ten dollars.
168
00:07:59,901 --> 00:08:03,035
Okay, well, I-I don't know
if combining money and sex
169
00:08:03,037 --> 00:08:05,671
is a great first lesson.
170
00:08:05,673 --> 00:08:08,074
I was buying a ticket
out of that room.
171
00:08:08,076 --> 00:08:09,509
I would have paid anything.
172
00:08:09,511 --> 00:08:10,776
(groans)
173
00:08:10,778 --> 00:08:12,044
Was it this
horrible when you
174
00:08:12,046 --> 00:08:13,613
had the talk with Katie?
175
00:08:13,615 --> 00:08:15,047
No, but, you know,
176
00:08:15,049 --> 00:08:16,549
mothers and daughters
understand each other.
177
00:08:16,551 --> 00:08:19,752
There's a lot more
unsaid than said.
178
00:08:19,754 --> 00:08:21,988
Oh, I had to explain everything.
179
00:08:21,990 --> 00:08:25,591
Starting with what goes where.
180
00:08:25,593 --> 00:08:27,660
He had no idea about the where.
181
00:08:27,662 --> 00:08:28,928
And, honestly,
182
00:08:28,930 --> 00:08:30,830
he was a little hazy
on the what.
183
00:08:32,133 --> 00:08:34,000
He... But he has a what.
184
00:08:34,002 --> 00:08:37,537
He doesn't know
what the what's for.
185
00:08:37,539 --> 00:08:39,772
Okay, but he-he was
looking at those pictures,
186
00:08:39,774 --> 00:08:41,140
he must have known something.
187
00:08:41,142 --> 00:08:42,608
Not a clue.
188
00:08:42,610 --> 00:08:43,943
A-And the new information?
189
00:08:43,945 --> 00:08:46,279
He doesn't love it.
You know what, honey,
190
00:08:46,281 --> 00:08:49,582
he just, he needs some time
to process this, that's all.
191
00:08:49,584 --> 00:08:50,850
Like that time
in the mall bathroom
192
00:08:50,852 --> 00:08:53,319
when he saw Santa Claus
at the urinal.
193
00:08:53,321 --> 00:08:55,688
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, and Santa said to Teddy
194
00:08:55,690 --> 00:08:59,025
"I'm sorry, I couldn't
ho-ho-hold it." Yeah.
195
00:09:00,161 --> 00:09:02,194
Yeah, I know.
196
00:09:02,196 --> 00:09:04,864
I mean, he got through that,
he'll get through this too.
197
00:09:04,866 --> 00:09:08,267
I don't know. Explaining to him
what men and women do,
198
00:09:08,269 --> 00:09:09,735
saying it out loud?
199
00:09:09,737 --> 00:09:12,271
I was just as shocked as he was.
200
00:09:14,609 --> 00:09:17,743
We should be ashamed
of ourselves.
201
00:09:17,745 --> 00:09:19,645
Oh, you're in bad shape.
202
00:09:19,647 --> 00:09:21,113
Yeah.
203
00:09:21,115 --> 00:09:22,782
Uh, look, honey,
I'm sorry, I can't get out
204
00:09:22,784 --> 00:09:23,950
of this meeting, but I...
It's okay.
205
00:09:23,952 --> 00:09:25,084
I'm really proud of you
206
00:09:25,086 --> 00:09:26,352
for handling this.
207
00:09:26,354 --> 00:09:27,620
You want
some crackers
208
00:09:27,622 --> 00:09:29,755
for your tummy?
209
00:09:29,757 --> 00:09:31,257
Yeah, that-that sounds nice.
210
00:09:31,259 --> 00:09:32,758
Thank you. Okay.
Okay.
211
00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:34,126
I'll, um...
(clears throat)
212
00:09:34,128 --> 00:09:35,861
I'll get home as-as
soon as I can.
213
00:09:35,863 --> 00:09:37,930
All right.
214
00:09:41,102 --> 00:09:43,169
(door closes)
215
00:09:44,739 --> 00:09:46,839
Hey!
216
00:09:48,610 --> 00:09:49,809
You're moving, that's good.
217
00:09:49,811 --> 00:09:51,677
(chuckles)
218
00:09:51,679 --> 00:09:52,878
Why did you tell me that stuff?
219
00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:55,114
I thought we were friends.
220
00:09:55,116 --> 00:09:57,750
Well...
221
00:09:57,752 --> 00:10:00,786
because of the pictures.
222
00:10:00,788 --> 00:10:01,787
What pictures?
223
00:10:01,789 --> 00:10:03,055
The ones you were looking at
224
00:10:03,057 --> 00:10:04,156
on your iPad last night.
225
00:10:04,158 --> 00:10:05,791
I wasn't on my iPad last night.
226
00:10:05,793 --> 00:10:06,892
Kate borrowed it.
227
00:10:08,930 --> 00:10:10,630
Katie?
228
00:10:10,632 --> 00:10:12,832
Why would Katie
be looking at that stuff?
229
00:10:12,834 --> 00:10:15,401
I don't know.
I don't know anything anymore.
230
00:10:17,805 --> 00:10:19,271
I'm gonna take my pizza
out to the swing set
231
00:10:19,273 --> 00:10:20,973
and remember what it was
like to be a child.
232
00:10:22,810 --> 00:10:25,077
Okay, buddy.
(chuckles)
233
00:10:25,079 --> 00:10:27,913
Hey, uh, Teddy, listen, um...
234
00:10:29,283 --> 00:10:32,918
That thing we talked about
upstairs, right?
235
00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:34,920
It's good.
236
00:10:36,357 --> 00:10:38,991
Even when it's bad...
237
00:10:38,993 --> 00:10:42,261
it's good.
238
00:10:42,263 --> 00:10:43,996
Can we stop talking now?
239
00:10:43,998 --> 00:10:46,432
Yeah, okay.
240
00:10:53,074 --> 00:10:54,674
Why do you have Teddy's iPad?
241
00:10:54,676 --> 00:10:55,741
Well, because there
are some very
242
00:10:55,743 --> 00:10:57,810
interesting pictures on it.
243
00:10:57,812 --> 00:11:00,312
Why are you telling me?
I never had it.
244
00:11:00,314 --> 00:11:01,847
Oh, well, he says you did.
245
00:11:01,849 --> 00:11:03,949
Hey, let's go question him
together.
246
00:11:03,951 --> 00:11:05,384
I'll be the good cop,
247
00:11:05,386 --> 00:11:06,652
and, you, you be the cop
248
00:11:06,653 --> 00:11:07,919
that lies about being
on the iPad.
249
00:11:07,922 --> 00:11:09,188
Come on.
250
00:11:09,190 --> 00:11:11,824
Okay. Fine, it was me.
251
00:11:11,826 --> 00:11:14,060
Wh...?
252
00:11:14,062 --> 00:11:16,228
Why?
253
00:11:16,230 --> 00:11:18,431
I was getting changed for gym,
and...
254
00:11:18,433 --> 00:11:21,267
some girls have small ones
and some girls have big ones
255
00:11:21,269 --> 00:11:23,335
and some girls have...
really weird ones and I just,
256
00:11:23,337 --> 00:11:25,337
I wanted to see what the
average was, I don't know.
257
00:11:25,339 --> 00:11:27,273
I-I don't want to talk about
it and everything's fine.
258
00:11:27,275 --> 00:11:29,942
O-Okay. Okay, I get it.
That, uh...
259
00:11:29,944 --> 00:11:33,713
that makes sense.
(chuckles)
260
00:11:40,221 --> 00:11:43,222
Here's ten dollars. Go buy
yourself something nice, okay?
261
00:11:47,228 --> 00:11:50,129
(sighs)
262
00:11:51,265 --> 00:11:52,898
Look, honey...
263
00:11:52,900 --> 00:11:54,734
I think you're perfect.
264
00:11:54,736 --> 00:11:57,053
Okay? And,
265
00:11:57,054 --> 00:11:59,371
in the future, when you have
questions like this,
266
00:11:59,373 --> 00:12:02,241
just ask Mom.
267
00:12:02,243 --> 00:12:03,476
Okay?
Because...
268
00:12:03,478 --> 00:12:05,444
she gave you
the birds and the bees talk,
269
00:12:05,446 --> 00:12:08,981
so you already have,
you know, open channels.
270
00:12:08,983 --> 00:12:10,883
We never had a talk about that.
271
00:12:10,885 --> 00:12:14,487
What? She never showed you
any dolls?
272
00:12:14,489 --> 00:12:15,989
Wh-What?
273
00:12:15,990 --> 00:12:17,490
Dirty dolls--
have you seen them?
274
00:12:17,492 --> 00:12:21,127
No, I learned all about that
stuff in health class at school.
275
00:12:21,129 --> 00:12:23,028
What? They still teach that?
276
00:12:23,030 --> 00:12:25,297
I could've stayed completely out
of this?
277
00:12:25,299 --> 00:12:29,301
Oh, I have been misinformed
about a lot of things lately!
278
00:12:29,303 --> 00:12:32,772
It's butt babies
all over again!
279
00:12:35,543 --> 00:12:38,344
Hey, honey.
280
00:12:38,346 --> 00:12:39,979
How was your night? How's Teddy?
281
00:12:39,981 --> 00:12:41,814
Not bad, liar.
282
00:12:44,986 --> 00:12:46,485
What?
283
00:12:46,487 --> 00:12:49,522
A lot happened tonight
while you were gone.
284
00:12:49,524 --> 00:12:51,323
Yeah.
285
00:12:51,325 --> 00:12:52,992
Turns out it was Katie
who was looking
286
00:12:52,994 --> 00:12:54,493
at those pictures
on the Internet.
287
00:12:54,495 --> 00:12:56,195
Are you serious?
288
00:12:56,197 --> 00:12:57,863
Mm-hmm.
Our Katie?
289
00:12:57,865 --> 00:12:59,498
Yeah, yeah, and that's
just the beginning
290
00:12:59,500 --> 00:13:01,066
of the revelations.
291
00:13:03,838 --> 00:13:06,405
(quietly):
I also found out
292
00:13:06,407 --> 00:13:09,575
that you never had the birds
and the bees talk with Katie
293
00:13:09,577 --> 00:13:12,111
like you told me you did.
294
00:13:12,113 --> 00:13:14,146
Uh-oh.
295
00:13:15,116 --> 00:13:17,950
Yeah. Yeah, you talk the talk,
296
00:13:17,952 --> 00:13:19,552
but you don't talk the talk.
297
00:13:19,554 --> 00:13:21,487
Okay.
298
00:13:21,489 --> 00:13:23,489
Okay... (stammers)
I meant to talk to her.
299
00:13:23,491 --> 00:13:25,291
I bought the book
and the dolls.
300
00:13:25,293 --> 00:13:26,859
And then when I went up to
her room, she was sitting there,
301
00:13:26,861 --> 00:13:29,595
playing with a stuffed unicorn.
I just couldn't do it.
302
00:13:29,597 --> 00:13:33,532
Teddy was playing with a yo-yo,
but I powered through.
303
00:13:36,037 --> 00:13:38,470
Okay, but, you know,
then I thought I would just wait
304
00:13:38,472 --> 00:13:41,273
for a natural time,
when she'd say something.
305
00:13:41,275 --> 00:13:42,575
And-and then, you know, I'd say,
306
00:13:42,577 --> 00:13:44,343
"Hey, it's funny
you should bring that up."
307
00:13:44,345 --> 00:13:45,945
But that never happened.
308
00:13:45,947 --> 00:13:47,146
And then,
309
00:13:47,148 --> 00:13:48,581
one day, I got a,
310
00:13:48,583 --> 00:13:50,115
you know, a permission slip
311
00:13:50,117 --> 00:13:51,617
for a special health class.
312
00:13:51,619 --> 00:13:53,619
So, you know, I just...
313
00:13:53,621 --> 00:13:56,522
let it ride.
314
00:13:56,524 --> 00:13:59,058
Let it ride.
Yeah.
315
00:13:59,060 --> 00:14:01,861
Did not know that was an option,
Mrs. Pants On Fire!
316
00:14:01,863 --> 00:14:03,996
Oh, come on!
317
00:14:03,998 --> 00:14:05,531
You are not mad because I lied--
318
00:14:05,533 --> 00:14:07,533
you're mad because I figured out
a way to get out of this
319
00:14:07,535 --> 00:14:09,235
and you couldn't.
320
00:14:09,237 --> 00:14:10,903
I outmaneuvered you.
321
00:14:10,905 --> 00:14:12,605
No! It's because...
322
00:14:12,607 --> 00:14:15,207
Yes, that's exactly it!
323
00:14:16,277 --> 00:14:18,444
Well, congratulations.
324
00:14:18,446 --> 00:14:21,580
You almost got away clean.
325
00:14:21,582 --> 00:14:23,048
Wh-What do you mean, "almost"?
326
00:14:23,050 --> 00:14:25,551
Turns out Katie
was looking at those pictures
327
00:14:25,553 --> 00:14:27,553
because she has some intimate,
328
00:14:27,555 --> 00:14:31,123
private lady questions
about her body.
329
00:14:31,125 --> 00:14:32,892
Hmm?
330
00:14:32,894 --> 00:14:38,564
Questions that only her mother
can answer.
331
00:14:38,566 --> 00:14:41,600
Fine, I will talk to her
tomorrow.
332
00:14:41,602 --> 00:14:42,601
Mm.
333
00:14:42,603 --> 00:14:43,636
(groans)
334
00:14:43,638 --> 00:14:46,472
This is gonna be
so awkward.
335
00:14:46,474 --> 00:14:49,408
Aw.
336
00:14:49,410 --> 00:14:50,976
I hope so.
337
00:14:53,581 --> 00:14:56,048
Katie...
338
00:14:58,085 --> 00:15:00,419
Katie, Katie,
Kate, Kate. (chuckles)
339
00:15:00,421 --> 00:15:02,254
What's up?
(clears throat)
340
00:15:02,256 --> 00:15:04,156
So...
341
00:15:04,158 --> 00:15:07,393
I'd like to tell you
the story of my breasts.
342
00:15:07,395 --> 00:15:10,396
KATE: Oh, my God!
Please stop talking!
343
00:15:10,398 --> 00:15:12,665
(door slams)
344
00:15:12,667 --> 00:15:15,434
Kate sounds mad at Mommy.
345
00:15:15,436 --> 00:15:17,002
Isn't it glorious?
346
00:15:20,374 --> 00:15:23,509
I finished my lunch, Daddy.
Can I go play?
347
00:15:23,511 --> 00:15:26,645
Yes, go play.
That's what the world needs.
348
00:15:26,647 --> 00:15:31,283
(sighs)
All right, I still got one.
349
00:15:31,285 --> 00:15:35,287
Well, uh, Kate and Teddy
are gonna pass on lunch.
350
00:15:35,289 --> 00:15:39,425
They said they don't think
they'll ever be hungry again.
351
00:15:39,427 --> 00:15:40,726
Well, it's official.
352
00:15:40,728 --> 00:15:43,362
We are really bad
at these talks.
353
00:15:43,364 --> 00:15:46,598
And yet so good
at the thing itself.
354
00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:49,401
Well, that's because
we don't talk during the thing.
355
00:15:49,403 --> 00:15:50,602
We tried once.
356
00:15:50,604 --> 00:15:51,437
You got bossy.
357
00:15:51,439 --> 00:15:53,138
You know, the problem is
358
00:15:53,140 --> 00:15:55,307
that n-now we've made
this subject so horribly awkward
359
00:15:55,309 --> 00:15:57,409
for our kids,
and we need to undo it.
360
00:15:57,411 --> 00:15:59,611
Otherwise, they're never
gonna talk to us about anything.
361
00:15:59,613 --> 00:16:02,247
You're saying we have
to have another terrible talk
362
00:16:02,249 --> 00:16:04,750
to ensure future terrible talks?
363
00:16:04,752 --> 00:16:06,919
Exactly.
364
00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:09,087
I thought if I said it out loud
it might change your mind.
365
00:16:13,327 --> 00:16:15,627
Emme's gonna stay
upstairs, right?
366
00:16:15,629 --> 00:16:18,564
Yeah, yeah. I gave her a bowl
of candy and shut her door.
367
00:16:18,566 --> 00:16:21,400
Ooh. We won't see her
for a while, but, when we do,
368
00:16:21,402 --> 00:16:23,369
she's gonna be riding
the dragon.
369
00:16:26,007 --> 00:16:28,207
Okay. Let's do this.
All right.
370
00:16:31,012 --> 00:16:33,012
BOTH:
Hey...
371
00:16:34,015 --> 00:16:35,714
Oh, no.
372
00:16:35,716 --> 00:16:37,716
Okay, guys, I...
373
00:16:37,718 --> 00:16:40,719
I think we kind of screwed
this whole thing up,
374
00:16:40,721 --> 00:16:42,187
all right? We
made what happens
375
00:16:42,189 --> 00:16:44,189
between a man and a woman...
376
00:16:44,191 --> 00:16:46,025
u-upsetting.
377
00:16:46,027 --> 00:16:49,595
Or a man and a man and
a woman and a woman.
378
00:16:50,431 --> 00:16:52,164
What?!
379
00:16:52,166 --> 00:16:54,733
Okay, don't worry, don't worry.
380
00:16:54,735 --> 00:16:57,102
We don't have the dolls
for that.
381
00:16:57,104 --> 00:17:01,540
The point is that we want
you guys to feel comfortable
382
00:17:01,542 --> 00:17:03,675
talking to us about any
questions you may have.
383
00:17:03,677 --> 00:17:07,813
Yeah. Exactly. We don't want
you to go to the Internet.
384
00:17:07,815 --> 00:17:09,148
We want you
to come to us.
385
00:17:09,150 --> 00:17:10,649
Because, really,
386
00:17:10,651 --> 00:17:14,086
all this is totally
natural and beautiful.
387
00:17:14,088 --> 00:17:15,454
ADAM:
Exactly.
388
00:17:15,456 --> 00:17:17,423
Like-like when your mom and I...
389
00:17:17,425 --> 00:17:18,457
Ugh!
Okay,
390
00:17:18,459 --> 00:17:20,092
okay, okay. Not us.
391
00:17:20,094 --> 00:17:22,661
Two-two other people,
like, uh...
392
00:17:22,663 --> 00:17:24,496
Patrick Dempsey.
393
00:17:26,434 --> 00:17:28,700
Patrick Dempsey?
394
00:17:28,702 --> 00:17:32,604
All right, fine. Then I'm going
with, uh, Jennifer Lawrence.
395
00:17:33,808 --> 00:17:36,208
She is half your age.
396
00:17:36,210 --> 00:17:39,845
Hey, when I imagine these
things, I'm half my age, too.
397
00:17:41,615 --> 00:17:42,781
What are you guys doing?
ANDI:
Okay, okay.
398
00:17:42,783 --> 00:17:44,316
H-Here's the point.
399
00:17:44,318 --> 00:17:45,784
(clears throat)
400
00:17:45,786 --> 00:17:47,786
When these things happen,
401
00:17:47,788 --> 00:17:51,457
two human beings connect
on a very intimate level.
402
00:17:51,459 --> 00:17:53,659
I-It's not about
the mechanics. It's...
403
00:17:53,661 --> 00:17:55,828
it's about the love. Now,
404
00:17:55,830 --> 00:17:58,831
here's how we should've
explained it in the first place.
405
00:17:58,833 --> 00:17:59,865
Just like we practiced.
406
00:17:59,867 --> 00:18:00,866
I got it.
407
00:18:00,868 --> 00:18:03,569
(clearing throat)
408
00:18:09,743 --> 00:18:12,578
Hello.
409
00:18:12,580 --> 00:18:14,313
I am a man.
410
00:18:14,315 --> 00:18:18,250
And I have loved you
for a very long time.
411
00:18:18,252 --> 00:18:19,751
And I am a woman.
412
00:18:19,753 --> 00:18:21,386
And you look
like a good project
413
00:18:21,388 --> 00:18:24,723
for me to improve.
414
00:18:24,725 --> 00:18:27,392
Very funny, Sandy.
(chuckles)
415
00:18:27,394 --> 00:18:30,395
Now that we've
finished college,
416
00:18:30,397 --> 00:18:32,564
let's take the next step.
417
00:18:32,566 --> 00:18:34,233
I am just
418
00:18:34,235 --> 00:18:36,135
so glad we didn't
meet in a bar.
419
00:18:36,137 --> 00:18:37,503
Hmm.
420
00:18:37,505 --> 00:18:39,771
Should we make a baby?
421
00:18:39,773 --> 00:18:42,307
Heck yeah!
422
00:18:43,577 --> 00:18:46,812
It's our biological
imperative.
423
00:18:46,814 --> 00:18:50,883
Hey, let's call our parents
and discuss our options.
424
00:18:52,253 --> 00:18:54,253
Or we could just
walk over there,
425
00:18:54,255 --> 00:18:55,888
because we love
them so much,
426
00:18:55,890 --> 00:18:59,158
we live right
down the street.
427
00:19:00,494 --> 00:19:02,828
The end.
428
00:19:02,830 --> 00:19:04,663
Of act one.
429
00:19:08,402 --> 00:19:09,868
ANDI:
What are you reading?
430
00:19:09,870 --> 00:19:12,504
The book that came
with the dolls.
431
00:19:13,674 --> 00:19:15,340
Surprisingly,
432
00:19:15,342 --> 00:19:18,443
there's a few things in here
I thought we could try.
433
00:19:18,445 --> 00:19:19,912
Really?
434
00:19:19,914 --> 00:19:21,747
Mm. Yeah.
435
00:19:21,749 --> 00:19:25,184
Might I direct your attention
to this illustration,
436
00:19:25,186 --> 00:19:30,189
and ask that you pretend
they are not cartoon bears.
437
00:19:30,191 --> 00:19:33,392
I-I think he's just
giving her a massage.
438
00:19:33,394 --> 00:19:35,561
Nah. No, no, no, no.
439
00:19:35,563 --> 00:19:38,297
Look at the smile
on her face.
440
00:19:40,234 --> 00:19:42,834
Something's going on
with that back paw.
441
00:19:42,836 --> 00:19:44,303
Mm-hmm.
442
00:19:44,305 --> 00:19:46,805
Hello.
443
00:19:46,807 --> 00:19:49,808
I am a man.
444
00:19:51,245 --> 00:19:54,746
And I have loved you
for a very long time.
445
00:19:54,748 --> 00:19:56,882
Well, hello.
446
00:19:56,884 --> 00:19:58,884
I am a woman.
Mm.
447
00:19:58,886 --> 00:20:02,754
And I think your project
does not need improving.
448
00:20:02,756 --> 00:20:04,256
Aw.
449
00:20:04,258 --> 00:20:05,991
Turn off the lights.
450
00:20:05,993 --> 00:20:09,494
So bossy.
Oh...
451
00:20:09,496 --> 00:20:10,963
(chuckles)
452
00:20:15,502 --> 00:20:18,604
So what did you bring for
show-and-tell today, Emme?
This.
453
00:20:19,573 --> 00:20:22,441
Ah.
454
00:20:22,443 --> 00:20:24,876
These are special dolls
that my mommy and daddy have.
455
00:20:24,878 --> 00:20:26,678
Mm.
456
00:20:26,680 --> 00:20:28,513
And what makes them so special?
457
00:20:28,515 --> 00:20:30,399
This does.
458
00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:32,284
Oh, dear Lord! Everybody,
heads on the desk, eyes closed!
459
00:20:32,286 --> 00:20:34,453
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