1
00:00:03,212 --> 00:00:05,504
We're really excited to
have the kids stay with us
2
00:00:05,529 --> 00:00:08,404
while you guys are away
for a little grown-up time.
3
00:00:08,429 --> 00:00:09,974
Wink, wink.
4
00:00:11,084 --> 00:00:12,611
Ma, don't "wink, wink."
5
00:00:12,613 --> 00:00:14,974
You're gonna ruin grown-up time.
6
00:00:15,560 --> 00:00:17,049
Don't worry, honey, I
got some new lingerie.
7
00:00:17,051 --> 00:00:19,000
You'll power through.
8
00:00:19,754 --> 00:00:21,820
So, you're going to Atlantic City.
9
00:00:21,822 --> 00:00:24,295
I've had some good times
there with your mother.
10
00:00:24,320 --> 00:00:27,054
I've never been to Atlantic City, Joe.
11
00:00:27,656 --> 00:00:30,696
Well, some lucky lady.
12
00:00:30,698 --> 00:00:33,699
A-And it's not Atlantic
City, Dad, it's Vegas.
13
00:00:33,701 --> 00:00:34,870
I told you that ten minutes ago
14
00:00:34,895 --> 00:00:37,640
when you were complaining about
how tinfoil used to be thicker.
15
00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:40,254
Hi, Grandma. Hi, Grandpa.
16
00:00:40,279 --> 00:00:43,347
Oh, we are gonna have
such fun with these cuties.
17
00:00:43,372 --> 00:00:46,283
I have a candy bar at home
weighs more than you do.
18
00:00:46,308 --> 00:00:47,862
I love you, Grandma.
19
00:00:47,887 --> 00:00:49,353
(CHUCKLES) Mwah.
20
00:00:49,945 --> 00:00:51,372
And we're hoping that Kate
21
00:00:51,397 --> 00:00:53,597
looks up from her phone at some point.
22
00:00:54,570 --> 00:00:55,559
What?
23
00:00:56,578 --> 00:00:59,342
And we've got something
special planned for you, Teddy.
24
00:00:59,367 --> 00:01:02,032
I fixed up your dad's old BB gun.
25
00:01:02,034 --> 00:01:03,950
You better sleep with one eye open.
26
00:01:04,996 --> 00:01:07,835
I've got a video of you singing
"Let It Go" in your towel.
27
00:01:11,841 --> 00:01:13,993
A BB gun for Teddy?
28
00:01:14,018 --> 00:01:15,743
Oh, don't worry, my
dad's a great teacher.
29
00:01:15,768 --> 00:01:17,381
Don and I both had
'em when we were kids.
30
00:01:17,383 --> 00:01:19,483
Oh, yeah, I taught my boys
how to shoot the Army way.
31
00:01:19,485 --> 00:01:21,018
Safety first.
32
00:01:21,020 --> 00:01:22,686
Unless you're being overrun by Charlie,
33
00:01:22,688 --> 00:01:25,322
then it's just spray and pray.
34
00:01:25,923 --> 00:01:27,843
But Teddy's so young.
35
00:01:27,868 --> 00:01:29,459
But it's a Burns family tradition.
36
00:01:29,461 --> 00:01:31,995
Three generations of
men sharing knowledge
37
00:01:31,997 --> 00:01:35,365
and history and companionship.
38
00:01:35,367 --> 00:01:38,068
That's the kind of
emotional crap you love.
39
00:01:40,054 --> 00:01:42,403
I do love emotional crap.
40
00:01:43,309 --> 00:01:45,375
Okay, well, just be careful.
41
00:01:46,086 --> 00:01:47,389
All right, you better get out of here
42
00:01:47,414 --> 00:01:49,974
- before she changes her mind.
- Yeah.
43
00:01:50,149 --> 00:01:52,277
- Okay, honey, bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.
44
00:01:52,302 --> 00:01:53,583
Mwah.
45
00:01:53,585 --> 00:01:55,385
(SIGHS) So...
46
00:01:55,387 --> 00:01:58,455
tell me more about this
girl from Atlantic City.
47
00:01:59,380 --> 00:02:01,925
Honey, don't worry about
who else played the game.
48
00:02:01,927 --> 00:02:04,105
You won the prize.
49
00:02:08,237 --> 00:02:10,923
I'm looking forward to
teaching your boy how to shoot.
50
00:02:10,948 --> 00:02:12,569
Once Teddy learns how to use a BB gun,
51
00:02:12,571 --> 00:02:14,233
I'll show him my real guns.
52
00:02:14,258 --> 00:02:16,340
Okay, bye, Dad, yup, night-night.
53
00:02:16,342 --> 00:02:17,808
Okay.
54
00:02:17,810 --> 00:02:19,276
Drive safe.
55
00:02:20,172 --> 00:02:23,280
Off you go. (CHUCKLES)
56
00:02:23,282 --> 00:02:24,981
Wait-wait-wait, wh-what did he just say?
57
00:02:25,006 --> 00:02:27,193
Oh, nothing, just some
old guy jibber-jab.
58
00:02:27,218 --> 00:02:28,824
Nothing to worry about.
59
00:02:28,849 --> 00:02:31,807
Wait, wait, wait. H-He
has real guns at home?
60
00:02:31,832 --> 00:02:32,831
I can't believe
61
00:02:32,856 --> 00:02:34,022
you never told me that.
62
00:02:34,047 --> 00:02:35,357
Honey, my dad hunts, he's a vet.
63
00:02:35,382 --> 00:02:38,054
I figured you knew. I'm
gonna go in here now.
64
00:02:38,586 --> 00:02:40,964
Oh, I'm gonna go in here, too.
65
00:02:42,163 --> 00:02:44,060
Look, our kids are over there a lot.
66
00:02:44,085 --> 00:02:45,469
Yeah, and think how safe they are
67
00:02:45,471 --> 00:02:48,138
being protected by all those guns.
68
00:02:48,897 --> 00:02:51,641
Look, when Kate was born, you
got rid of your hunting rifles.
69
00:02:51,643 --> 00:02:55,412
I just... I don't understand
why people insist on having guns.
70
00:02:55,850 --> 00:02:59,287
That's 'cause no one as smart as
me has ever explained it to you.
71
00:03:00,618 --> 00:03:01,447
Okay?
72
00:03:01,472 --> 00:03:03,653
People say it's about their
rights and their freedom,
73
00:03:03,655 --> 00:03:07,290
but here's the real truth: guns are fun.
74
00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:11,395
They go boom, people like that.
75
00:03:11,397 --> 00:03:12,796
But they're dangerous.
76
00:03:12,798 --> 00:03:14,865
In the hands of idiots.
77
00:03:15,357 --> 00:03:16,295
But the fact that you
78
00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:17,614
never even knew my dad had 'em
79
00:03:17,639 --> 00:03:19,803
proves how careful and safe he is.
80
00:03:19,805 --> 00:03:22,439
I think it just proves
that you never told me.
81
00:03:24,076 --> 00:03:26,143
It can prove two things.
82
00:03:27,273 --> 00:03:29,982
I'm sorry, I'm-I'm just not comfortable
83
00:03:30,007 --> 00:03:31,141
leaving the kids there.
84
00:03:31,166 --> 00:03:33,350
I just... I-I won't be able
to enjoy myself in Vegas.
85
00:03:33,352 --> 00:03:37,143
No, no, no, leave Vegas out of this.
86
00:03:37,168 --> 00:03:40,069
We've had to cancel
this trip three times.
87
00:03:40,406 --> 00:03:42,373
Okay, well, then talk to your dad
88
00:03:42,398 --> 00:03:44,726
about getting rid of
his guns and we can go.
89
00:03:45,413 --> 00:03:47,263
If you feel so strongly about it,
90
00:03:47,288 --> 00:03:49,101
maybe you should talk to my dad.
91
00:03:50,998 --> 00:03:52,123
Okay.
92
00:03:52,304 --> 00:03:54,638
Yeah, I'll tell your dad
to get rid of his guns.
93
00:03:55,311 --> 00:03:58,078
You can tell my mom she
has to start wearing a bra.
94
00:04:00,078 --> 00:04:02,279
I'll take the guns.
95
00:04:02,937 --> 00:04:05,424
If she's not gonna listen to
the manager at the Golden Corral,
96
00:04:05,449 --> 00:04:07,015
she's not gonna listen to me.
97
00:04:19,384 --> 00:04:21,319
So here's the thing, Dad.
98
00:04:21,344 --> 00:04:22,862
I had a talk with Andi,
99
00:04:22,887 --> 00:04:26,013
and you need to get rid of your guns.
100
00:04:26,015 --> 00:04:28,583
(LAUGHS)
101
00:04:28,585 --> 00:04:31,185
- Your wife is very funny, yeah.
- Yeah.
102
00:04:31,187 --> 00:04:33,321
Yeah, she's a hoot.
103
00:04:33,323 --> 00:04:35,719
But after you brought up
your real guns last night,
104
00:04:35,744 --> 00:04:36,703
Andi got all worried
105
00:04:36,728 --> 00:04:38,476
about the kids staying
with you guys next week.
106
00:04:38,528 --> 00:04:40,628
Oh, geez. No one's more careful than me.
107
00:04:40,630 --> 00:04:44,031
I told her, but there's
talk of calling off Vegas.
108
00:04:44,033 --> 00:04:46,534
Okay, I need to play
blackjack in a hotel robe,
109
00:04:46,536 --> 00:04:48,702
holding a morning beer. I need it, Dad.
110
00:04:48,704 --> 00:04:50,905
All right, all right.
111
00:04:50,907 --> 00:04:52,873
Look, I think Andi
just doesn't like guns
112
00:04:52,875 --> 00:04:54,108
because she's never shot one.
113
00:04:54,110 --> 00:04:55,376
That's what I was thinking.
114
00:04:55,378 --> 00:04:57,411
So how about we take her
to the shooting range?
115
00:04:57,413 --> 00:05:00,047
She can see how responsible you
are, and we can change her mind.
116
00:05:00,049 --> 00:05:01,182
Oh, I like it.
117
00:05:01,184 --> 00:05:03,117
Okay, good. By the way,
118
00:05:03,119 --> 00:05:04,919
how many times have you actually
119
00:05:04,921 --> 00:05:07,054
changed her mind about something?
120
00:05:07,298 --> 00:05:10,332
I don't know, who keeps
track of that stuff?
121
00:05:10,506 --> 00:05:13,441
Zero's not a hard number to remember.
122
00:05:19,202 --> 00:05:22,436
Who can say fresh radishes?
123
00:05:22,438 --> 00:05:24,305
You don't have to say it,
I'll just give you some.
124
00:05:24,307 --> 00:05:26,407
I grew them in my garden. Have one.
125
00:05:26,409 --> 00:05:28,943
No, thanks. I don't try new things.
126
00:05:28,945 --> 00:05:30,611
Don, we've talked about this,
127
00:05:30,613 --> 00:05:32,379
it's good to broaden your horizons.
128
00:05:32,381 --> 00:05:34,849
Well, actually, Lowell,
in 99% of deaths,
129
00:05:34,851 --> 00:05:36,250
you'll find out that the deceased,
130
00:05:36,252 --> 00:05:39,019
at some point, tried something new.
131
00:05:39,656 --> 00:05:41,822
But everybody tries something new.
132
00:05:41,824 --> 00:05:43,490
And everybody dies.
133
00:05:45,361 --> 00:05:47,228
You got any tomatoes in that man basket?
134
00:05:47,230 --> 00:05:48,362
I know I like those.
135
00:05:48,364 --> 00:05:49,597
Well, I planted some,
136
00:05:49,599 --> 00:05:51,732
but I've got a thieving
woodchuck in my garden.
137
00:05:51,734 --> 00:05:53,537
I tried to have my cat chase him off,
138
00:05:53,562 --> 00:05:55,829
but they became unlikely animal friends.
139
00:05:56,495 --> 00:05:59,099
You know, my dad fixed
up Adam's old BB gun.
140
00:05:59,101 --> 00:06:01,601
How about you and I go out and
take care of that woodchuck?
141
00:06:01,603 --> 00:06:03,770
Scarface style.
142
00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:07,407
I don't like this place.
143
00:06:07,409 --> 00:06:09,994
And why are people
wearing camouflage inside?
144
00:06:10,019 --> 00:06:11,314
It just makes them more obvious.
145
00:06:11,339 --> 00:06:13,417
I can see all of you!
146
00:06:14,072 --> 00:06:16,401
Honey, don't rile up the gun owners.
147
00:06:18,105 --> 00:06:19,267
Just relax.
148
00:06:19,292 --> 00:06:20,911
Okay, once you fire off a few rounds,
149
00:06:20,936 --> 00:06:23,523
I think you'll see it's
not as scary as it seems.
150
00:06:23,525 --> 00:06:24,624
- Ready?
- All right.
151
00:06:24,626 --> 00:06:27,260
Let's go over a few safety rules, huh?
152
00:06:27,707 --> 00:06:30,664
Always assume that every gun is loaded.
153
00:06:31,047 --> 00:06:32,346
Is that one loaded?
154
00:06:32,371 --> 00:06:33,567
What did I just say?
155
00:06:33,569 --> 00:06:35,735
She's not listening.
156
00:06:35,737 --> 00:06:38,338
Trust me, Dad, that's not
how you do it with her.
157
00:06:38,340 --> 00:06:40,607
It's true. It's not
how you do it with me.
158
00:06:40,609 --> 00:06:42,943
All right, you want
to go give this a try?
159
00:06:42,945 --> 00:06:44,110
Well, if it gets me off
160
00:06:44,112 --> 00:06:46,780
the set of
Deliverance, I'll do it.
161
00:06:47,281 --> 00:06:49,181
Okay, fire when ready.
162
00:06:54,613 --> 00:06:57,533
Well that's just the best thing ever.
163
00:07:00,304 --> 00:07:01,905
I've seen you eat carrots before,
164
00:07:01,930 --> 00:07:03,187
so I know you'll like these.
165
00:07:03,212 --> 00:07:06,166
I want the last thing that
woodchuck sees to be us enjoying
166
00:07:06,168 --> 00:07:08,535
what is rightfully ours!
167
00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:11,071
Got any ranch dressing?
168
00:07:11,073 --> 00:07:12,672
I do.
169
00:07:14,822 --> 00:07:16,088
Can I have some?
170
00:07:16,377 --> 00:07:18,711
You may not. Just try one without it.
171
00:07:18,736 --> 00:07:21,328
(SIGHS) Why are you always
looking to change me?
172
00:07:21,353 --> 00:07:22,616
It's like when you
wanted me to see movies
173
00:07:22,618 --> 00:07:24,918
that aren't Fast & Furious.
174
00:07:24,920 --> 00:07:27,487
There are better movies. Branch out.
175
00:07:27,489 --> 00:07:28,588
There aren't better movies.
176
00:07:28,590 --> 00:07:30,857
They made eight and
the worst one was good.
177
00:07:30,859 --> 00:07:32,058
It went great, great, great,
178
00:07:32,060 --> 00:07:34,527
good, great, great, better, best.
179
00:07:35,396 --> 00:07:38,866
Of course you love it... it's
the ranch dressing of movies.
180
00:07:40,335 --> 00:07:44,137
Shh, look, there's the woodchuck.
181
00:07:44,139 --> 00:07:47,741
That's right, just sit
there and eat that tomato.
182
00:07:48,309 --> 00:07:50,477
Oh, no, my cat!
183
00:07:50,620 --> 00:07:52,319
- (GUN FIRES)
- Ow!
184
00:07:53,553 --> 00:07:55,815
You shot me in the butt!
185
00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:59,589
No, I didn't. I was at work all day.
186
00:08:03,421 --> 00:08:05,525
But I don't want to go home.
187
00:08:05,527 --> 00:08:07,627
Babe, we've been here two hours.
188
00:08:07,629 --> 00:08:09,963
You can't go full
Rambo on the first day.
189
00:08:10,699 --> 00:08:11,965
Okay.
190
00:08:11,967 --> 00:08:13,512
But first let me check
out the gift counter.
191
00:08:13,537 --> 00:08:16,236
They have a-a pepper grinder
that looks like a hand grenade.
192
00:08:16,238 --> 00:08:18,371
How do I not have one of those?
193
00:08:18,373 --> 00:08:22,042
All right, looks like
Atlantic City is back on.
194
00:08:22,044 --> 00:08:23,877
I told you it's Vegas.
195
00:08:23,879 --> 00:08:27,125
Whoa, Dad, you just put
your phone in the gun case.
196
00:08:27,150 --> 00:08:27,954
What?
197
00:08:27,979 --> 00:08:30,484
Were you about to put
the gun in your pocket?
198
00:08:30,509 --> 00:08:32,385
Don't worry about what I put where.
199
00:08:32,387 --> 00:08:33,353
Well, I'm just saying,
200
00:08:33,355 --> 00:08:35,055
if someone calls and
you answer your gun,
201
00:08:35,057 --> 00:08:36,189
we're gonna have a problem.
202
00:08:36,733 --> 00:08:37,657
I can't see in here
203
00:08:37,659 --> 00:08:40,721
because they're using those
global warming light bulbs.
204
00:08:40,746 --> 00:08:44,448
We're all walking around in the
dark to save some salamander.
205
00:08:45,801 --> 00:08:47,934
Saddle up, boys,
206
00:08:48,767 --> 00:08:50,667
I got to stop by the butcher.
207
00:08:50,692 --> 00:08:51,838
I want to eat something for dinner
208
00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:53,440
that was walking around yesterday.
209
00:08:56,800 --> 00:08:59,179
I'm not so sure about Vegas.
210
00:08:59,181 --> 00:09:01,971
What? But I was really
impressed with your dad.
211
00:09:01,996 --> 00:09:03,683
I don't have any problem
with the kids staying there.
212
00:09:03,685 --> 00:09:04,718
He knows what he's doing.
213
00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:06,386
I used to think that, too.
214
00:09:06,677 --> 00:09:10,245
Back at the range, he got his
gun and his phone mixed up.
215
00:09:10,270 --> 00:09:12,025
I've never seen him
do anything like that.
216
00:09:12,027 --> 00:09:14,524
Well, I mean, maybe
he-he just got confused.
217
00:09:14,549 --> 00:09:16,983
I mean, that place was thrilling.
218
00:09:17,666 --> 00:09:18,698
Things got crazy.
219
00:09:18,700 --> 00:09:21,101
I didn't even pay for this hat.
220
00:09:21,736 --> 00:09:23,901
It's more than that.
I've been noticing stuff.
221
00:09:23,926 --> 00:09:26,093
He keeps thinking we're
going to Atlantic City.
222
00:09:26,118 --> 00:09:28,051
Like he's lost a step.
223
00:09:28,298 --> 00:09:29,776
I can't believe I'm saying
this, but I don't think
224
00:09:29,778 --> 00:09:31,678
he should have guns
around the house anymore.
225
00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:34,114
And I have to be the
jerk that tells him.
226
00:09:34,287 --> 00:09:36,187
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
227
00:09:36,546 --> 00:09:38,177
Hey, you talk to my dad,
228
00:09:38,202 --> 00:09:40,387
and I will wrestle your
mother into that bra.
229
00:09:41,522 --> 00:09:43,216
Yeah, now that I think about it,
230
00:09:43,241 --> 00:09:44,323
I think it might be awkward
231
00:09:44,348 --> 00:09:46,393
for you to force underwear on my mom.
232
00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:48,094
Yeah.
233
00:09:48,096 --> 00:09:50,597
And I think you're the one
that has to talk to your dad.
234
00:09:50,896 --> 00:09:52,704
I know. (SIGHS)
235
00:09:52,729 --> 00:09:54,463
Poor guy.
236
00:09:54,488 --> 00:09:58,334
I just... I hate to hit him with this.
237
00:09:58,359 --> 00:10:00,206
Well, hey, there is a silver lining.
238
00:10:00,208 --> 00:10:02,876
I mean, if you handle this
now, then you won't get shot
239
00:10:02,901 --> 00:10:04,834
when it's time to
take away his car keys.
240
00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:13,630
So, here's the thing, Dad.
241
00:10:13,655 --> 00:10:15,188
I had another talk with Andi,
242
00:10:15,190 --> 00:10:18,291
and you need to get rid of your guns.
243
00:10:18,293 --> 00:10:19,693
(LAUGHS)
244
00:10:19,695 --> 00:10:21,962
That's still a classic. Yeah.
245
00:10:22,583 --> 00:10:23,897
You're not laughing.
246
00:10:24,357 --> 00:10:25,816
This time I'm serious.
247
00:10:25,841 --> 00:10:27,401
That thing at the range,
with your cell phone,
248
00:10:27,403 --> 00:10:29,002
that freaked me out.
249
00:10:29,004 --> 00:10:30,704
Oh, you were always easily startled.
250
00:10:30,706 --> 00:10:33,206
Oh, that's true. He used
to hate his jack-in-the-box.
251
00:10:33,208 --> 00:10:36,243
Crank, crank, crank, cry.
252
00:10:36,612 --> 00:10:39,105
You know I'm right. That thing
at the range bothered you, too.
253
00:10:39,130 --> 00:10:40,680
Well, you're not taking my guns.
254
00:10:40,682 --> 00:10:43,113
I have a constitutional
right to defend myself.
255
00:10:43,138 --> 00:10:43,984
From what?
256
00:10:43,986 --> 00:10:46,386
Snowflakes like you
trying to take my guns.
257
00:10:47,623 --> 00:10:50,493
Everybody eventually slips a little.
258
00:10:50,518 --> 00:10:52,009
It's happening to me, too.
259
00:10:52,034 --> 00:10:53,093
I tried jumping rope with Emme,
260
00:10:53,095 --> 00:10:55,143
I almost had to go to the hospital.
261
00:10:55,479 --> 00:10:56,861
Well, I won't do it.
262
00:10:56,886 --> 00:10:59,032
I've already given up
everything else worth having.
263
00:10:59,034 --> 00:11:02,436
Fried food, hard liquor, tobacco.
264
00:11:02,438 --> 00:11:04,319
And that's the holy trinity.
265
00:11:04,344 --> 00:11:05,539
Ma, help me out here.
266
00:11:05,541 --> 00:11:07,441
She's not gonna help you on this.
267
00:11:07,443 --> 00:11:09,743
Actually, I agree with Adam.
268
00:11:09,745 --> 00:11:10,811
Bev.
269
00:11:10,813 --> 00:11:12,813
Joe, y-you accidentally left me
270
00:11:12,815 --> 00:11:14,714
at the Kmart last week.
271
00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:17,818
Why are you assuming
that was an accident?
272
00:11:18,487 --> 00:11:20,220
Look, I'm sorry, Dad, but...
273
00:11:20,222 --> 00:11:23,089
either give me the guns, or...
274
00:11:23,091 --> 00:11:25,492
or the kids can't
come over here anymore.
275
00:11:26,277 --> 00:11:27,746
Well, then, that's how it's gonna be.
276
00:11:27,771 --> 00:11:30,611
Wait, wait, we don't get the kids now?
277
00:11:30,636 --> 00:11:32,585
Look, forget what I
said. Your dad's fine.
278
00:11:32,610 --> 00:11:34,331
Stop being a snowflake.
279
00:11:34,636 --> 00:11:36,036
Really, Dad?
280
00:11:36,038 --> 00:11:37,137
That's your choice?
281
00:11:37,139 --> 00:11:38,472
You heard me.
282
00:11:39,971 --> 00:11:41,664
All right, then, I guess I'm leaving.
283
00:11:41,689 --> 00:11:42,642
Good.
284
00:11:42,644 --> 00:11:45,946
Try not to get scared by a
clown in a box on your way out.
285
00:11:47,689 --> 00:11:49,383
That thing is not a toy.
286
00:11:49,408 --> 00:11:52,009
It's a horror movie with a handle.
287
00:11:55,859 --> 00:11:58,525
I can't believe you tattled to my wife.
288
00:11:58,527 --> 00:12:00,427
Don, why would you shoot him?
289
00:12:00,429 --> 00:12:02,629
I thought you liked this one.
290
00:12:02,631 --> 00:12:03,830
It was an accident.
291
00:12:03,832 --> 00:12:05,532
Or was it? I think he was mad
292
00:12:05,534 --> 00:12:07,367
because I wouldn't
give him ranch dressing.
293
00:12:07,369 --> 00:12:09,628
Which is a child's condiment.
294
00:12:09,653 --> 00:12:12,206
Oh, you've got to give
Don his ranch, Lowell.
295
00:12:12,231 --> 00:12:14,174
How's he gonna eat?
296
00:12:14,176 --> 00:12:15,909
You owe me an apology.
297
00:12:15,911 --> 00:12:18,249
You really think I shot you on purpose?
298
00:12:18,274 --> 00:12:20,280
(SCOFFS) That is very hurtful.
299
00:12:20,282 --> 00:12:22,725
Is it as hurtful as being
hit by a hunk of metal
300
00:12:22,750 --> 00:12:25,785
flying through the air
at 900 miles an hour?
301
00:12:26,208 --> 00:12:28,321
Well, I can't say, because
I've never been dumb enough
302
00:12:28,323 --> 00:12:30,056
to step in front of one.
303
00:12:30,412 --> 00:12:32,246
So that's a no on the apology.
304
00:12:32,271 --> 00:12:34,003
Fine. If you'll excuse me,
305
00:12:34,028 --> 00:12:36,695
I'm going to leave while
I still have my dignity.
306
00:12:36,786 --> 00:12:40,667
Ow. Ow. Ow.
307
00:12:41,536 --> 00:12:43,360
Ow, Don.
308
00:13:01,011 --> 00:13:02,511
I'm sorry about that.
309
00:13:02,945 --> 00:13:04,483
But one day you're gonna be better
310
00:13:04,508 --> 00:13:06,036
at this than me, and
I'll be okay with that.
311
00:13:06,061 --> 00:13:08,529
It's just the natural
order of things, okay?
312
00:13:13,236 --> 00:13:14,842
I win.
313
00:13:16,319 --> 00:13:18,471
Wow, it happens sooner than you think.
314
00:13:19,801 --> 00:13:20,933
Don't worry.
315
00:13:20,958 --> 00:13:22,825
You can still beat Teddy.
316
00:13:23,845 --> 00:13:25,712
- (SCOFFS)
- (DOOR OPENS)
317
00:13:26,443 --> 00:13:28,548
- Hey.
- Hey.
318
00:13:28,550 --> 00:13:30,301
I talked to your mom today.
319
00:13:30,326 --> 00:13:32,775
Your dad's still pretty
bent out of shape.
320
00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:34,970
He turned the hose on
some Mormons that came by,
321
00:13:34,995 --> 00:13:36,558
but not even that cheered him up.
322
00:13:37,593 --> 00:13:38,892
Maybe you should go over there...
323
00:13:38,894 --> 00:13:40,807
No, no, no, no, no.
324
00:13:40,832 --> 00:13:42,495
See, this is what my dad does.
325
00:13:42,497 --> 00:13:44,397
He acts out, then I feel guilty,
326
00:13:44,399 --> 00:13:46,299
and you always make me go
over there and talk to him.
327
00:13:46,301 --> 00:13:47,834
I'm not doing it this time.
328
00:13:47,836 --> 00:13:49,436
I don't always do that.
329
00:13:50,105 --> 00:13:52,472
Sometimes your mom does it.
330
00:13:52,474 --> 00:13:53,807
And I've been thinking about it.
331
00:13:53,809 --> 00:13:55,465
We're still going to Vegas.
332
00:13:55,490 --> 00:13:57,010
But who's gonna watch the kids?
333
00:13:57,012 --> 00:13:58,144
Well, we'll bring 'em along.
334
00:13:58,146 --> 00:13:59,379
We'll find someone to watch 'em there.
335
00:13:59,381 --> 00:14:01,081
You can pay a woman to
do anything in Vegas.
336
00:14:01,083 --> 00:14:02,282
(DOOR OPENS)
337
00:14:02,846 --> 00:14:03,980
Hi, Adam.
338
00:14:04,005 --> 00:14:06,494
Oh, here comes the other one.
I don't care how mad he is,
339
00:14:06,519 --> 00:14:07,722
I'm not going over there.
340
00:14:07,747 --> 00:14:09,900
I just came to tell you
I've got your dad's guns
341
00:14:09,925 --> 00:14:11,224
in the trunk of my car.
342
00:14:11,609 --> 00:14:12,808
Seriously?
343
00:14:12,833 --> 00:14:14,666
Is Dad in there, too?
344
00:14:16,161 --> 00:14:19,132
H-He's not gonna pop out
like a jack-in-the-box, is he?
345
00:14:20,334 --> 00:14:22,300
No, he gave them up.
346
00:14:22,325 --> 00:14:24,192
He said he realized you're right,
347
00:14:24,217 --> 00:14:27,698
and he has to confront the
reality of getting older.
348
00:14:30,963 --> 00:14:32,698
What did he really say?
349
00:14:32,723 --> 00:14:35,183
(SIGHS) He said "Get these
damn things out of my house,"
350
00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:37,008
and something about his
son being dead to him,
351
00:14:37,033 --> 00:14:39,100
but he could've been talking about Don.
352
00:14:40,731 --> 00:14:42,564
Adam, are-are you hearing this?
353
00:14:42,566 --> 00:14:45,929
I mean, you changed two
people's minds this week.
354
00:14:46,093 --> 00:14:48,537
I actually think you might be
able to get that bra on my mom.
355
00:14:48,539 --> 00:14:49,838
(SIGHS)
356
00:14:50,331 --> 00:14:51,774
It'd be great if you could do it
357
00:14:51,776 --> 00:14:53,175
before Thanksgiving. I don't want
358
00:14:53,177 --> 00:14:55,344
my mashed potatoes ruined again.
359
00:14:56,614 --> 00:14:57,780
Honey, what's wrong?
360
00:14:57,805 --> 00:14:59,838
- You don't look happy.
- Eh...
361
00:15:00,072 --> 00:15:02,685
I know my dad. That couldn't
have been easy for him.
362
00:15:02,687 --> 00:15:06,889
Oh, if only he had someone
to talk it through with.
363
00:15:06,891 --> 00:15:10,025
- Oh, interesting, Bev.
- Mm-hmm.
364
00:15:12,155 --> 00:15:14,970
But who should it be?
365
00:15:17,180 --> 00:15:19,150
Nice show, ladies.
366
00:15:19,603 --> 00:15:21,337
All right. I'm going.
367
00:15:21,339 --> 00:15:24,163
If he squirts me with the
hose, I'm taking that away, too.
368
00:15:26,734 --> 00:15:28,232
DON: Hey, Lowell.
369
00:15:28,257 --> 00:15:29,745
What brings you by?
370
00:15:29,747 --> 00:15:31,647
Is she gonna hold me down
while you finish me off,
371
00:15:31,649 --> 00:15:33,349
execution style?
372
00:15:35,007 --> 00:15:39,221
We're here because when my
husband's unhappy, I'm unhappy.
373
00:15:39,223 --> 00:15:40,522
So let's fix this.
374
00:15:40,524 --> 00:15:42,024
Okay? You think
375
00:15:42,026 --> 00:15:43,240
that Don shot you because
376
00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:44,976
on some deeper level, he was mad at you.
377
00:15:44,978 --> 00:15:48,446
But I-I know from experience,
Don only has one level.
378
00:15:49,076 --> 00:15:52,049
That's true. I'm an
emotional pancake, baby.
379
00:15:52,865 --> 00:15:55,119
But he is sorry. So
to make things right,
380
00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:56,828
there's only one solution.
381
00:15:56,853 --> 00:15:57,885
Lowell,
382
00:15:57,910 --> 00:15:59,934
shoot Don in the butt.
383
00:16:00,551 --> 00:16:02,326
What? That's crazy.
384
00:16:02,328 --> 00:16:03,594
Look, you're my friend,
385
00:16:03,596 --> 00:16:05,162
and if this will make
things okay between us,
386
00:16:05,164 --> 00:16:07,265
then I'm willing to
turn the other cheek.
387
00:16:07,267 --> 00:16:09,800
And let you shoot me in it.
388
00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:13,204
Aw. You've never called
me your friend before.
389
00:16:13,543 --> 00:16:14,742
I'll do it.
390
00:16:14,892 --> 00:16:16,040
What?
391
00:16:16,042 --> 00:16:17,842
Marcy, you said he wouldn't do it.
392
00:16:17,844 --> 00:16:19,377
No, Lowell, this was just a gesture.
393
00:16:19,379 --> 00:16:22,017
I can't let you shoot my husband.
394
00:16:22,042 --> 00:16:24,015
I won't. I just wanted
to scare him a little.
395
00:16:24,017 --> 00:16:25,416
(CHUCKLES)
396
00:16:25,418 --> 00:16:26,851
How do you put this thing on safety?
397
00:16:26,853 --> 00:16:28,753
- (GUN FIRES)
- DON: Ow!
398
00:16:30,181 --> 00:16:32,056
Eh, he had it coming.
399
00:16:36,194 --> 00:16:37,228
Hey.
400
00:16:37,230 --> 00:16:38,596
Hey.
401
00:16:42,757 --> 00:16:45,303
I heard you had a little
fun with the hose earlier.
402
00:16:45,804 --> 00:16:47,238
You're not taking that away.
403
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:49,941
That nozzle's the last
thing I have with a trigger.
404
00:16:51,277 --> 00:16:54,946
I was just looking out for you.
405
00:16:54,948 --> 00:16:57,949
Well, you weren't entirely, uh,
406
00:16:57,951 --> 00:17:01,986
100% completely... wrong.
407
00:17:02,385 --> 00:17:05,119
That might be the nicest
thing you've ever said to me.
408
00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:08,125
Look, I'm not mad at you.
409
00:17:08,127 --> 00:17:09,728
I'm mad at time.
410
00:17:09,753 --> 00:17:10,650
You know,
411
00:17:10,675 --> 00:17:12,163
some day one of your kids
412
00:17:12,165 --> 00:17:14,732
is gonna show up and take
away your stuff.
413
00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:16,567
Oof, you're right.
414
00:17:16,569 --> 00:17:17,935
It'll probably be Emme.
415
00:17:17,937 --> 00:17:20,271
She just kicked my ass at checkers.
416
00:17:20,273 --> 00:17:21,772
It didn't feel good, did it?
417
00:17:21,774 --> 00:17:23,065
No.
418
00:17:24,682 --> 00:17:27,411
But you know, there are some
upsides to getting older.
419
00:17:27,413 --> 00:17:28,779
Yeah? Name one.
420
00:17:29,756 --> 00:17:31,132
Uh...
421
00:17:33,617 --> 00:17:35,419
You can give anyone you want the finger,
422
00:17:35,421 --> 00:17:37,989
and they won't try and fight you.
423
00:17:37,991 --> 00:17:40,057
Yeah, I do enjoy that.
424
00:17:40,752 --> 00:17:42,893
Oh, and if you don't
want to talk to someone,
425
00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:44,562
you just pretend you can't hear 'em.
426
00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:45,563
What'd you say?
427
00:17:45,565 --> 00:17:47,298
I said if you don't want to t...
428
00:17:47,300 --> 00:17:48,632
(BOTH LAUGH)
429
00:17:48,634 --> 00:17:50,992
- Nice.
- Ah, I'm still funnier than you.
430
00:17:51,017 --> 00:17:53,671
Eh? And I can shoot straighter, too.
431
00:17:53,673 --> 00:17:55,406
I know, Dad.
432
00:17:55,642 --> 00:17:57,942
Look, nothing's changed.
433
00:17:58,194 --> 00:17:59,794
Okay?
434
00:18:03,064 --> 00:18:06,005
You know, the toughest part
about this whole thing is...
435
00:18:07,351 --> 00:18:10,385
when I'm not sure what to do, I ask you.
436
00:18:10,990 --> 00:18:13,024
But because this was about you,
437
00:18:14,038 --> 00:18:16,099
I had to do it on my own.
438
00:18:16,124 --> 00:18:17,828
That's why it went so poorly.
439
00:18:17,830 --> 00:18:18,829
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
440
00:18:19,620 --> 00:18:20,852
You know,
441
00:18:20,877 --> 00:18:23,067
I just thought of another upside:
442
00:18:23,456 --> 00:18:25,136
if you do things right,
443
00:18:25,138 --> 00:18:29,237
you raise a kid who cares
enough to really piss you off.
444
00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:32,977
And you are just full
of compliments today.
445
00:18:32,979 --> 00:18:34,645
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
446
00:18:34,647 --> 00:18:37,159
Do I smell chicken, or
am I having a stroke?
447
00:18:37,184 --> 00:18:39,784
Oh, oh. You know, I figured,
448
00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:41,152
if you got to give something up,
449
00:18:41,154 --> 00:18:43,651
you should get something back, right?
450
00:18:44,167 --> 00:18:46,023
Fried food,
451
00:18:46,025 --> 00:18:48,118
- hard liquor....
- Ah.
452
00:18:48,143 --> 00:18:49,204
and tobacco.
453
00:18:49,229 --> 00:18:50,915
- The holy trinity.
- The holy trinity.
454
00:18:50,940 --> 00:18:52,296
Eh?
455
00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:54,098
Ah. Ooh.
456
00:18:54,100 --> 00:18:55,499
These are Cubans, huh?
457
00:18:55,501 --> 00:18:58,335
Those Commies know how to roll a stogie.
458
00:18:58,337 --> 00:19:00,686
And Mom never has to know.
459
00:19:00,711 --> 00:19:02,273
Oh, she doesn't scare me.
460
00:19:02,275 --> 00:19:03,908
But we better crack a window.
461
00:19:03,910 --> 00:19:05,476
She's got guns now.
462
00:19:06,263 --> 00:19:08,163
I'm back, baby.
463
00:19:16,739 --> 00:19:20,340
All right, that's the
guns all locked up.
464
00:19:20,342 --> 00:19:22,843
Listen, Dad. If you
ever want to go shooting,
465
00:19:22,845 --> 00:19:25,145
- I'd be happy to take you to the range.
- Sounds good.
466
00:19:25,147 --> 00:19:27,214
There's a great chicken
joint on that side of town.
467
00:19:27,216 --> 00:19:28,915
- Ooh.
- Okay, you can stop with the whispering.
468
00:19:28,917 --> 00:19:30,317
I know about the fried chicken.
469
00:19:30,319 --> 00:19:32,185
Our house smells like
Colonel Sanders got drunk
470
00:19:32,187 --> 00:19:33,654
and caught on fire.
471
00:19:34,623 --> 00:19:35,589
Okay, Bev, so we'll drop
472
00:19:35,591 --> 00:19:37,057
the kids by Friday afternoon
473
00:19:37,059 --> 00:19:37,916
on our way to the airport?
474
00:19:37,941 --> 00:19:39,367
Oh, we won't be home then.
475
00:19:39,392 --> 00:19:41,055
It's been a stressful week,
476
00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:43,330
and Joe wants to get out
of town for a few days.
477
00:19:43,332 --> 00:19:45,632
Yeah, all that Vegas
talk put me in the mood.
478
00:19:46,027 --> 00:19:47,018
What?
479
00:19:47,043 --> 00:19:49,496
You take away my guns,
I take away your Vegas.
480
00:19:50,465 --> 00:19:55,465
Synced and corrected by Octavia
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