1
00:00:01,752 --> 00:00:03,718
So, then I said to the eye doctor,

2
00:00:03,754 --> 00:00:05,670
"I can't see it. I can't see it.

3
00:00:05,756 --> 00:00:08,002
I can see it. It's gone again."

4
00:00:08,027 --> 00:00:10,473
And he said I was very special,

5
00:00:10,498 --> 00:00:13,332
and I might be eligible
for a service dog.

6
00:00:14,873 --> 00:00:16,089
Great story, Ma.

7
00:00:16,175 --> 00:00:19,073
And that clocked in at
just under 12 minutes.

8
00:00:19,098 --> 00:00:19,855
Yeah.

9
00:00:19,933 --> 00:00:21,247
And she's told it to everybody...

10
00:00:21,271 --> 00:00:22,771
the grocer, the pharmacist,

11
00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:25,003
some poor bastard who was
holding the door for her.

12
00:00:25,028 --> 00:00:26,028
Shh.

13
00:00:26,214 --> 00:00:28,867
Hey, there's my thoughtful husband.

14
00:00:28,892 --> 00:00:30,525
All right, what is it?

15
00:00:30,947 --> 00:00:32,258
Last time she called me thoughtful,

16
00:00:32,282 --> 00:00:34,846
I had to clean a pound
of hair out of the drain.

17
00:00:35,917 --> 00:00:38,711
That kid Julian is coming
over for a playdate with Emme,

18
00:00:38,736 --> 00:00:39,621
but I have to take Kate to the doctor,

19
00:00:39,706 --> 00:00:40,922
so you have to watch them.

20
00:00:40,957 --> 00:00:43,018
Honey, I thought we
agreed no more Julian.

21
00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,375
That kid's the worst.

22
00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:46,271
Well, maybe while he's here,

23
00:00:46,296 --> 00:00:48,046
he'll see how nice people behave,

24
00:00:48,132 --> 00:00:49,624
and it'll rub off on him.

25
00:00:49,649 --> 00:00:50,908
Yeah, only a mom would say that.

26
00:00:50,926 --> 00:00:53,510
It's sweet and packed full of lies.

27
00:00:53,595 --> 00:00:55,796
Dads know better.

28
00:00:55,821 --> 00:00:58,288
Joe, there's no difference
between moms and dads.

29
00:01:01,837 --> 00:01:03,436
Did you just roll your eyes?

30
00:01:03,488 --> 00:01:04,770
No, no, I was making sure

31
00:01:04,856 --> 00:01:06,189
all the light bulbs are working.

32
00:01:08,276 --> 00:01:11,401
Okay, I know it's not
popular to say these days,

33
00:01:11,426 --> 00:01:14,643
but there are some
things dads are better at.

34
00:01:14,668 --> 00:01:16,082
The fact that we're so annoying

35
00:01:16,117 --> 00:01:19,252
and you keep marrying
us proves my point.

36
00:01:20,366 --> 00:01:22,422
We keep marrying you
because we're optimists

37
00:01:22,457 --> 00:01:24,960
and they make the lids
on pickle jars too tight.

38
00:01:26,545 --> 00:01:29,295
Well, he-he's not saying
dads are better than moms.

39
00:01:29,347 --> 00:01:30,797
You're not saying that, are you?

40
00:01:30,849 --> 00:01:33,769
I said dads are better at some things.

41
00:01:33,910 --> 00:01:36,436
Okay, moms are better
at some things, too.

42
00:01:36,471 --> 00:01:38,304
Okay. Like what?

43
00:01:38,390 --> 00:01:40,433
Don't say cooking and cleaning, boy.

44
00:01:42,484 --> 00:01:45,837
Okay, uh, if we're the same,

45
00:01:45,985 --> 00:01:48,648
would you like to take care of
that dead squirrel on the roof?

46
00:01:48,700 --> 00:01:51,951
I would totally do it, but I
saw an owl fly away with it.

47
00:01:51,987 --> 00:01:55,071
And I know it was a mom
owl because she handled it

48
00:01:55,156 --> 00:01:56,823
like a boss and then didn't spend

49
00:01:56,875 --> 00:01:58,732
the next two hours
bragging about it. Ha!

50
00:02:01,365 --> 00:02:03,306
- Am I right?
- Hey, hey.

51
00:02:03,748 --> 00:02:06,373
Oh, high five. Fun.

52
00:02:08,428 --> 00:02:09,802
Sorry I'm late.

53
00:02:09,838 --> 00:02:12,909
I found a YouTube channel
of cats punching dogs.

54
00:02:12,934 --> 00:02:13,840
Ooh.

55
00:02:13,925 --> 00:02:16,009
Is it better than
chickens wearing pants?

56
00:02:16,563 --> 00:02:18,646
I don't want to get political.

57
00:02:19,898 --> 00:02:21,576
Now that Don is here,
I think we should talk

58
00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:23,392
- about your knee surgery.
- Oh.

59
00:02:23,603 --> 00:02:24,984
It's in a couple of weeks,

60
00:02:25,020 --> 00:02:27,487
and the doctor said he should
hire a home health care nurse

61
00:02:27,522 --> 00:02:29,939
for during the rehab,
but he won't agree.

62
00:02:30,025 --> 00:02:33,159
I don't want some stranger in
my house going through my stuff.

63
00:02:33,194 --> 00:02:36,351
What stuff? You mean
that jug of nickels?

64
00:02:36,577 --> 00:02:37,947
Hey, when the world goes to hell,

65
00:02:38,033 --> 00:02:41,515
the guy with the jug of nickels
is gonna be living like a king.

66
00:02:42,370 --> 00:02:46,122
I got a can of dimes.
Smaller and twice the value.

67
00:02:46,425 --> 00:02:48,272
You're a good boy, Donny.

68
00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:50,543
- So, about this nurse...
- I'm not listening

69
00:02:50,629 --> 00:02:52,295
to any more of this nurse stuff.

70
00:02:52,380 --> 00:02:53,713
I'll be with the TV.

71
00:02:53,765 --> 00:02:56,973
When I push mute, it stops talking.

72
00:02:57,926 --> 00:03:01,804
Did he really leave, or
can I just not see him?

73
00:03:02,033 --> 00:03:04,057
He's going through the
couch, looking for nickels.

74
00:03:04,109 --> 00:03:07,226
Hey, Joe, I get half
of whatever you find.

75
00:03:08,556 --> 00:03:09,398
Boys,

76
00:03:09,423 --> 00:03:10,730
your dad's gonna need help,

77
00:03:10,782 --> 00:03:13,688
and I can't get him to listen to reason.

78
00:03:13,713 --> 00:03:14,901
He was much easier to control

79
00:03:14,986 --> 00:03:17,694
when he was getting
that medical marijuana.

80
00:03:18,397 --> 00:03:20,555
Well, his dealer was 85.

81
00:03:20,580 --> 00:03:22,163
It was time to retire.

82
00:03:23,411 --> 00:03:25,995
Someone needs to talk
him into getting a nurse,

83
00:03:26,081 --> 00:03:28,414
and there's one person at
this table he'll listen to.

84
00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:30,049
Oh, Ma.

85
00:03:30,085 --> 00:03:31,334
That's why I need help

86
00:03:31,419 --> 00:03:34,082
from his favorite son... Don.

87
00:03:35,692 --> 00:03:36,589
What?

88
00:03:36,641 --> 00:03:40,259
Dodged that bullet.

89
00:03:40,312 --> 00:03:44,013
I heard it whistle past my
ear, and then it hit you.

90
00:03:44,333 --> 00:03:46,253
'Cause you're a good boy, Donny.

91
00:03:52,190 --> 00:03:55,241
Hey, that weird kid's looking at you.

92
00:03:56,226 --> 00:03:57,632
Hello, Julian.

93
00:03:57,657 --> 00:03:59,189
Listen, buddy.

94
00:03:59,948 --> 00:04:01,891
Tell your kids to give me the swing.

95
00:04:02,148 --> 00:04:04,917
Well, buddy, you just had your turn,

96
00:04:04,953 --> 00:04:06,786
and it's Emme's turn now.

97
00:04:06,871 --> 00:04:08,955
I don't care. I want to swing now.

98
00:04:09,007 --> 00:04:11,269
Hey, we have something in common.

99
00:04:11,294 --> 00:04:13,292
I don't care, either.

100
00:04:13,345 --> 00:04:14,293
You're a butthead.

101
00:04:14,346 --> 00:04:16,713
You're a butthead.

102
00:04:17,736 --> 00:04:18,986
Two against one.

103
00:04:19,011 --> 00:04:20,310
I guess you're a butthead.

104
00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:24,053
I really don't like that kid.

105
00:04:24,139 --> 00:04:26,272
He does have some good comebacks.

106
00:04:26,776 --> 00:04:27,701
So, listen,

107
00:04:27,726 --> 00:04:30,659
how am I supposed to get
Dad to agree to a home nurse?

108
00:04:30,737 --> 00:04:33,858
Good luck. He never changes
his mind about anything.

109
00:04:33,883 --> 00:04:35,481
He still drops his film at the Foto Hut

110
00:04:35,533 --> 00:04:37,213
even though it's a
frozen yogurt place now.

111
00:04:41,515 --> 00:04:42,633
Hey, what are you doing here?

112
00:04:42,657 --> 00:04:43,657
It's still your turn.

113
00:04:43,708 --> 00:04:45,873
Julian pushed me off the swing.

114
00:04:45,898 --> 00:04:49,011
What? Teddy, did you see this?

115
00:04:49,036 --> 00:04:50,797
Yeah, he pushed her right off.

116
00:04:51,903 --> 00:04:53,306
And you didn't do anything?

117
00:04:53,331 --> 00:04:54,964
I'm a lover, not a fighter.

118
00:04:57,544 --> 00:04:58,817
Okay,

119
00:04:58,842 --> 00:05:02,036
Julian can't think pushing
your little sister is okay.

120
00:05:03,348 --> 00:05:05,478
Good thing there's a dad here.

121
00:05:05,864 --> 00:05:07,161
Teddy...

122
00:05:09,907 --> 00:05:10,983
put him on the ground.

123
00:05:11,837 --> 00:05:12,685
I don't think Mom...

124
00:05:12,771 --> 00:05:14,487
Mom is not here.

125
00:05:14,522 --> 00:05:16,071
Put him on the ground.

126
00:05:17,348 --> 00:05:18,680
Okay.

127
00:05:33,808 --> 00:05:35,238
Hey, you pushed me!

128
00:05:35,263 --> 00:05:36,429
He did it.

129
00:05:36,454 --> 00:05:38,878
My son defended his sister.

130
00:05:39,119 --> 00:05:42,037
Turn away, Don. You might see me cry.

131
00:05:52,379 --> 00:05:55,664
So, Butterbean, Daddy was totally right

132
00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:58,140
to tell Teddy to put
Julian on the ground.

133
00:05:58,192 --> 00:06:02,728
But that's not the kind of
thing that Mommy'd understand.

134
00:06:02,813 --> 00:06:04,980
Okay, so, let's play a little game

135
00:06:05,065 --> 00:06:08,707
and see who can keep
this secret the longest.

136
00:06:09,816 --> 00:06:12,332
I bet I can keep it until I die.

137
00:06:13,152 --> 00:06:14,656
This is gonna be fun.

138
00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:17,459
Yeah. Okay, now, where's
Teddy? I have to tell him, too.

139
00:06:17,494 --> 00:06:19,470
- He's outside playing basketball.
- Okay.

140
00:06:19,495 --> 00:06:21,141
And then I put Julian on the ground,

141
00:06:21,165 --> 00:06:23,407
just like Dad told me to. Right, Dad?

142
00:06:26,837 --> 00:06:29,337
Kids, go upstairs. I need
to talk to your father.

143
00:06:29,743 --> 00:06:32,225
Okay, when are we gonna be old
enough to stay for one of these?

144
00:06:32,250 --> 00:06:35,589
I'm gonna be married someday,
and I need to know how to do it.

145
00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:38,459
I'm going.

146
00:06:41,104 --> 00:06:43,018
You told Teddy to push Julian?

147
00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:44,486
Yes, I did.

148
00:06:44,521 --> 00:06:45,737
But we don't push people.

149
00:06:45,762 --> 00:06:47,939
No, you don't, 'cause you're a mom.

150
00:06:49,180 --> 00:06:51,860
Come on, join the dads.

151
00:06:52,352 --> 00:06:54,863
It's fun over here. We push people.

152
00:06:56,422 --> 00:06:58,924
There is no difference
between moms and dads.

153
00:06:58,956 --> 00:07:00,954
Look, will you just trust me on this?

154
00:07:00,979 --> 00:07:03,687
I handled it. It's dad time now.

155
00:07:03,929 --> 00:07:05,343
- Okay, but...
- Hmm.

156
00:07:05,383 --> 00:07:07,226
- this is gonna blow up in your face.
- Wha...?

157
00:07:07,251 --> 00:07:09,855
And when it does, I'm
gonna say "I told you so,"

158
00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:12,405
'cause that's something
moms are good at.

159
00:07:13,608 --> 00:07:15,684
I think I did society a favor.

160
00:07:15,719 --> 00:07:17,969
There's too many people
walking around out there

161
00:07:18,055 --> 00:07:19,554
who don't know they're boneheads

162
00:07:19,606 --> 00:07:22,443
because they didn't get
put on the ground as kids.

163
00:07:23,393 --> 00:07:25,143
Did you get put on the ground as a kid?

164
00:07:25,229 --> 00:07:27,091
Of course I did.

165
00:07:27,989 --> 00:07:29,955
And yet you're still a bonehead.

166
00:07:30,940 --> 00:07:33,018
My point stands.

167
00:07:33,291 --> 00:07:34,236
But that was a good one.

168
00:07:34,288 --> 00:07:35,403
That was a good one, yeah.

169
00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:36,975
Yeah, that was a good one.

170
00:07:38,408 --> 00:07:39,423
So, I have to warn you.

171
00:07:39,447 --> 00:07:41,571
My dad's not real keen
on getting a nurse.

172
00:07:41,596 --> 00:07:43,106
Maybe you should take off those scrubs

173
00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:44,913
so Joe isn't put off when he walks in.

174
00:07:44,998 --> 00:07:48,593
Oh, I think he might be more
put off by a topless male nurse.

175
00:07:49,085 --> 00:07:50,252
Your résumé looks good.

176
00:07:50,337 --> 00:07:52,912
Ten years experience,
rave recommendations.

177
00:07:52,937 --> 00:07:55,090
At the top it says Funchy. What's that?

178
00:07:55,175 --> 00:07:56,591
Oh, that's me.

179
00:07:56,643 --> 00:07:58,927
I've got "fun" right in my name.

180
00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:00,896
And "chi."

181
00:08:01,692 --> 00:08:03,176
Oh, here comes Joe.

182
00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:04,207
Let us do the talking.

183
00:08:04,233 --> 00:08:06,153
We had to trick him to
get him to come down here.

184
00:08:06,647 --> 00:08:07,569
Hey.

185
00:08:07,604 --> 00:08:10,438
Is this the guy selling the
secret recipe for Coca-Cola?

186
00:08:11,350 --> 00:08:14,025
Uh, we actually brought
you here to meet Funchy,

187
00:08:14,111 --> 00:08:17,112
a home health care nurse
for after your knee surgery.

188
00:08:17,197 --> 00:08:18,280
All right, listen up.

189
00:08:18,365 --> 00:08:19,698
I'm gonna talk to you

190
00:08:19,783 --> 00:08:21,383
the same way you talk to everybody else.

191
00:08:21,451 --> 00:08:23,451
This is the guy. He's your nurse,

192
00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:24,586
so no bellyaching.

193
00:08:24,621 --> 00:08:26,625
Okay, you win.

194
00:08:26,650 --> 00:08:27,810
Okay. I'll just grab a drink,

195
00:08:27,875 --> 00:08:29,791
and then we can start the interview.

196
00:08:34,890 --> 00:08:37,465
Then he just walks out the
door. It was the perfect trick.

197
00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:39,134
It doesn't sound like much of a trick.

198
00:08:39,186 --> 00:08:41,469
He just lied and left.

199
00:08:41,555 --> 00:08:43,638
Well, the simplicity
is what made it perfect.

200
00:08:43,724 --> 00:08:45,307
It's like ice. It's just frozen water,

201
00:08:45,359 --> 00:08:47,142
but it changed the world.

202
00:08:47,498 --> 00:08:48,551
Dad,

203
00:08:48,576 --> 00:08:50,111
Teddy was using my mascara brush

204
00:08:50,147 --> 00:08:52,480
to make it look like he had chest hair.

205
00:08:52,757 --> 00:08:54,983
I just wanted to see what
it's gonna look like on me.

206
00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:56,484
It's gonna look so good,

207
00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:58,787
you won't mind that's
it's also on your back.

208
00:09:00,530 --> 00:09:01,623
Oh, hey.

209
00:09:01,658 --> 00:09:03,491
Your Uncle Don told me
you pushed a kid down.

210
00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:06,021
All right, I don't
need any more lectures.

211
00:09:06,060 --> 00:09:07,122
No, no. I'm proud.

212
00:09:07,147 --> 00:09:08,568
He always seemed a little soft.

213
00:09:09,599 --> 00:09:11,132
Next time, go for the windpipe.

214
00:09:11,168 --> 00:09:13,365
You can't fight if you can't breathe.

215
00:09:14,458 --> 00:09:16,922
Wait, so you agree with me?

216
00:09:17,007 --> 00:09:19,674
Because Andi came out
pretty strong against it.

217
00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:22,310
She's soft, just like Teddy used to be.

218
00:09:23,284 --> 00:09:25,182
Oh, there's my boy.

219
00:09:25,207 --> 00:09:26,534
I heard about what happened,

220
00:09:26,559 --> 00:09:29,160
and I wanted to give
you my old boxing gloves.

221
00:09:29,853 --> 00:09:31,881
If you need it to be over
quick, there's a hole inside

222
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,383
where you can slip in
a couple of batteries.

223
00:09:33,407 --> 00:09:35,440
Kapowie! Hmm?

224
00:09:36,098 --> 00:09:38,276
All right, all right,
take it easy, champ.

225
00:09:38,362 --> 00:09:39,661
Thanks, Grandpa.

226
00:09:39,696 --> 00:09:40,757
Hey, Kate, you want to go upstairs

227
00:09:40,781 --> 00:09:41,891
and see if I can take a punch?

228
00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:43,865
Yeah, all right.

229
00:09:46,411 --> 00:09:47,732
Hey, guys.

230
00:09:47,757 --> 00:09:49,318
What's the occasion?

231
00:09:49,373 --> 00:09:52,874
Well, the occasion is
everybody agrees with me

232
00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:55,010
about Teddy putting
that kid on the ground.

233
00:09:55,045 --> 00:09:58,099
Yeah. You said it was
gonna blow up in my face,

234
00:09:58,124 --> 00:09:59,790
but the only thing on my face

235
00:09:59,815 --> 00:10:02,776
is a big smile from being right.

236
00:10:03,745 --> 00:10:06,638
Am I really the only voice
of reason around here?

237
00:10:06,723 --> 00:10:08,857
I hate to say it, but
this all comes back

238
00:10:08,892 --> 00:10:12,560
to dads are just better
at some stuff than moms.

239
00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:13,979
It doesn't even make sense.

240
00:10:14,064 --> 00:10:16,147
Marcy agrees with you, and she's a mom.

241
00:10:16,233 --> 00:10:17,649
Sorry. It's not the gender.

242
00:10:17,734 --> 00:10:19,107
It's how your relationship works.

243
00:10:19,132 --> 00:10:21,736
And in our relationship, he's the mom.

244
00:10:22,330 --> 00:10:24,413
You tell 'em, Big Daddy.

245
00:10:26,601 --> 00:10:28,655
Did you get Dad to
agree to that nurse yet?

246
00:10:28,680 --> 00:10:30,056
Or did he pull another
Mission: Impossible

247
00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:32,080
and just walk out right in front of you?

248
00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:34,916
Don't worry about me. I still
got a few tricks up my sleeve.

249
00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:36,551
Yeah? If you don't get dad a nurse,

250
00:10:36,586 --> 00:10:38,720
the only thing up your
sleeve is gonna be sudsy water

251
00:10:38,755 --> 00:10:40,572
when you're giving Dad a sponge bath.

252
00:10:41,228 --> 00:10:43,504
Maybe I'll hold on to
these nurse résumés.

253
00:10:43,529 --> 00:10:44,865
Now that I'm single,

254
00:10:44,890 --> 00:10:47,073
I don't have anyone to take
care of me if something happens.

255
00:10:47,097 --> 00:10:48,996
Plus, the company would be nice.

256
00:10:49,021 --> 00:10:50,732
I wish they had a thing for single guys

257
00:10:50,767 --> 00:10:52,027
where you could pay someone

258
00:10:52,052 --> 00:10:54,269
to hang out with you on lonely nights.

259
00:10:55,342 --> 00:10:56,589
They have that.

260
00:10:57,097 --> 00:11:00,191
Yeah, they'll even dress
up like a nurse if you want.

261
00:11:01,638 --> 00:11:02,804
Hi.

262
00:11:02,829 --> 00:11:04,195
Hi, honey.

263
00:11:04,281 --> 00:11:06,175
I'm surprised you came into work today.

264
00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:08,566
Considering how right I was about Teddy,

265
00:11:08,591 --> 00:11:10,702
I thought you might call in wrong.

266
00:11:10,787 --> 00:11:12,287
Well, you'd be wrong.

267
00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:14,267
Yeah, 'cause I just had
an interesting conversation

268
00:11:14,291 --> 00:11:15,623
with Teddy's school.

269
00:11:15,709 --> 00:11:18,209
He spent the morning
pushing kids at recess.

270
00:11:18,234 --> 00:11:19,143
What?!

271
00:11:19,168 --> 00:11:21,846
Sweet little Teddy
took it to the streets?

272
00:11:21,871 --> 00:11:23,465
As a mom, I don't condone that.

273
00:11:24,668 --> 00:11:26,744
I didn't tell him to push other kids.

274
00:11:26,769 --> 00:11:28,470
Do you remember what I told you?

275
00:11:28,555 --> 00:11:30,605
That this was gonna
blow up in your face?

276
00:11:30,640 --> 00:11:31,951
Let's not live in the past.

277
00:11:31,975 --> 00:11:33,641
Let's be about the future.

278
00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:36,993
Well, the future is gonna be
me telling you, "I told you so."

279
00:11:37,198 --> 00:11:39,860
I told you so. Welcome to the future.

280
00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:46,556
Principal Collins, we are so sorry.

281
00:11:46,581 --> 00:11:49,142
I mean, I-I'm sorry
because he's my kid, and,

282
00:11:49,167 --> 00:11:51,617
well, he's sorry 'cause
it's all his fault.

283
00:11:52,256 --> 00:11:54,036
Told you so.

284
00:11:54,121 --> 00:11:55,886
Look, Teddy is a good kid.

285
00:11:55,965 --> 00:11:57,715
He just got a little carried away.

286
00:11:57,801 --> 00:11:59,792
I don't think we have to overreact.

287
00:11:59,817 --> 00:12:02,365
Well, due to our zero
tolerance policy on fighting,

288
00:12:02,389 --> 00:12:04,639
I'm placing him in detention
for the rest of the week.

289
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:07,392
I was just protecting
little kids from bullies.

290
00:12:07,417 --> 00:12:09,250
Well, that changes everything.

291
00:12:10,134 --> 00:12:13,731
We are all against
bullying here, I... I hope.

292
00:12:13,817 --> 00:12:16,067
You're not pro-bully, are you?

293
00:12:16,438 --> 00:12:17,652
Of course not.

294
00:12:17,704 --> 00:12:19,737
I thought I was just acting like Batman.

295
00:12:19,823 --> 00:12:21,989
There you go. Huh?

296
00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:24,842
You wouldn't put Batman
in detention, would you?

297
00:12:25,357 --> 00:12:27,280
Another option might be to
give him a little Batsuit

298
00:12:27,304 --> 00:12:30,522
and let him do his thing.

299
00:12:31,335 --> 00:12:33,751
People think I'm funny at work.

300
00:12:34,624 --> 00:12:36,254
Okay, that's it. You are off the job.

301
00:12:36,339 --> 00:12:38,172
It is Mom time now.

302
00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:40,196
Mom time. That's funny.

303
00:12:40,221 --> 00:12:41,637
Oh.

304
00:12:41,845 --> 00:12:44,063
This is not my crowd.

305
00:12:46,313 --> 00:12:47,765
You are in big trouble, mister.

306
00:12:47,851 --> 00:12:49,934
You can't go around pushing people.

307
00:12:50,019 --> 00:12:52,653
All right? You use your
words, or you get an adult.

308
00:12:52,868 --> 00:12:55,702
What if that adult is Dad,
and he tells me to shove them?

309
00:12:57,610 --> 00:12:59,516
Don't take me down with you.

310
00:13:00,413 --> 00:13:02,497
We sleep in the same room.

311
00:13:03,532 --> 00:13:05,833
It is never okay, ever.

312
00:13:06,506 --> 00:13:08,002
What if someone's picking on Emme,

313
00:13:08,037 --> 00:13:10,872
and my words don't work,
and there's no adults around?

314
00:13:11,134 --> 00:13:12,575
Well...

315
00:13:15,201 --> 00:13:16,794
Well...

316
00:13:19,980 --> 00:13:21,549
Well, y...

317
00:13:26,184 --> 00:13:27,934
You stumped her, pal.

318
00:13:29,058 --> 00:13:30,886
What a week for you.

319
00:13:32,061 --> 00:13:33,728
I'm not stumped, okay?

320
00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:37,031
I'm just taking a moment to figure out

321
00:13:37,066 --> 00:13:41,369
how to explain that obviously...

322
00:13:42,561 --> 00:13:44,462
the answer is...

323
00:13:45,697 --> 00:13:47,737
something I'm gonna tell
your dad in the other room.

324
00:13:50,821 --> 00:13:51,879
- Dad?
- Hmm?

325
00:13:51,915 --> 00:13:52,964
Am I still in trouble?

326
00:13:53,049 --> 00:13:55,134
I think things are
looking up for both of us.

327
00:13:57,751 --> 00:13:59,587
Yes, darling?

328
00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:01,589
Look, I-I don't know
what to say to him.

329
00:14:01,614 --> 00:14:03,758
I mean, I don't want anybody
pushing my daughter, /

330
00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:06,194
but as a mom, I can't tell
him to push another kid.

331
00:14:06,219 --> 00:14:08,930
- Hmm. So you want me to talk to him?
- Yeah.

332
00:14:09,280 --> 00:14:10,932
- Because you're the mom.
- Yeah.

333
00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:12,733
And I'm the...

334
00:14:12,769 --> 00:14:14,569
What am I again?

335
00:14:15,139 --> 00:14:17,688
Rhymes with "glad."

336
00:14:17,774 --> 00:14:19,048
Bonehead?

337
00:14:20,251 --> 00:14:22,109
Going down swinging. I respect that.

338
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:24,195
Okay. Fine, you're the dad,

339
00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:26,280
and there's differences
between moms and dads.

340
00:14:26,332 --> 00:14:28,359
Now I really need you to handle this!

341
00:14:28,384 --> 00:14:31,154
It feels so good to be right.

342
00:14:32,736 --> 00:14:35,987
This must be what it
feels like to be you.

343
00:14:37,193 --> 00:14:39,043
All right.

344
00:14:40,217 --> 00:14:41,879
Teddy,

345
00:14:42,129 --> 00:14:44,265
step into the elevator
and let's take a ride up

346
00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:45,883
to the men's department.

347
00:14:45,969 --> 00:14:47,101
Okay?

348
00:14:47,136 --> 00:14:48,238
Here's the deal.

349
00:14:48,263 --> 00:14:50,619
You can't police the world.

350
00:14:50,644 --> 00:14:53,891
Using your words is your
first and best option.

351
00:14:54,334 --> 00:14:58,896
But sometimes... if
your words don't work,

352
00:14:58,982 --> 00:15:02,149
you do what you have to
do to protect your family.

353
00:15:02,927 --> 00:15:06,029
That is the code that we live by, hmm?

354
00:15:06,092 --> 00:15:07,655
You're making it sound like the mob.

355
00:15:07,707 --> 00:15:11,229
Yes! Thank you, Andi.

356
00:15:11,254 --> 00:15:13,588
Thank you. We are like the mob.

357
00:15:15,448 --> 00:15:17,884
Okay? And like the mob,

358
00:15:17,909 --> 00:15:19,644
if you do the crime,

359
00:15:20,104 --> 00:15:21,646
you do the time.

360
00:15:21,671 --> 00:15:24,784
So, it's detention at school,

361
00:15:25,096 --> 00:15:28,759
and I want you to apologize to
those kids from the playground.

362
00:15:28,845 --> 00:15:30,622
- Okay.
- Okay.

363
00:15:31,028 --> 00:15:33,848
So does our mob include my girlfriend?

364
00:15:37,555 --> 00:15:39,388
You have a girlfriend?

365
00:15:40,210 --> 00:15:42,043
Your first girlfriend?

366
00:15:43,497 --> 00:15:44,700
Since when?

367
00:15:44,725 --> 00:15:47,726
Since today. Chicks dig Batman.

368
00:15:58,207 --> 00:16:00,374
Head upstairs and draw
on some chest hair, son.

369
00:16:00,426 --> 00:16:01,975
You've earned it.

370
00:16:05,227 --> 00:16:07,143
You're a good boy, Teddy!

371
00:16:10,386 --> 00:16:12,720
- That was pretty good with Teddy.
- Mm.

372
00:16:13,191 --> 00:16:14,689
Hey, you did your part, too.

373
00:16:14,724 --> 00:16:16,223
Nah, you're just saying that.

374
00:16:16,248 --> 00:16:17,831
No, I'm serious.

375
00:16:17,944 --> 00:16:20,561
Moms appeal to kids' better nature,

376
00:16:20,613 --> 00:16:22,980
and dads teach them
how to defend themselves

377
00:16:23,066 --> 00:16:25,743
when other people don't have good moms.

378
00:16:26,569 --> 00:16:28,035
I like that.

379
00:16:28,071 --> 00:16:29,654
Yeah, I can get deep.

380
00:16:31,828 --> 00:16:33,925
It's the beer. Beer makes me deep.

381
00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:38,913
- Hey, man.
- Hey.

382
00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:42,341
I tried everything, but I can't
get Dad to agree to a nurse.

383
00:16:42,366 --> 00:16:44,919
I'm jeopardizing his
health, disappointing Mom.

384
00:16:44,971 --> 00:16:47,672
I feel terrible.

385
00:16:47,757 --> 00:16:51,948
Oh, Don, I hate seeing you like this.

386
00:16:51,973 --> 00:16:54,348
Okay, I'll talk to Dad.

387
00:16:54,373 --> 00:16:56,645
- Ha! No take-backs!
- Wha...?

388
00:16:58,200 --> 00:16:59,600
What? You tricked me!

389
00:16:59,652 --> 00:17:01,852
That's right. It's all on you now. Whoo!

390
00:17:04,991 --> 00:17:07,784
I don't want to deal with this.

391
00:17:07,809 --> 00:17:09,847
Well, you don't have to do it.

392
00:17:11,237 --> 00:17:12,613
He said no take-backs.

393
00:17:14,780 --> 00:17:17,530
He got me fair and square, Andi.

394
00:17:19,708 --> 00:17:20,588
Dad,

395
00:17:20,623 --> 00:17:22,456
we need to have a serious conversation

396
00:17:22,508 --> 00:17:24,542
about you hiring Funchy.

397
00:17:24,627 --> 00:17:26,627
Can we hurry this up? I left an old lady

398
00:17:26,713 --> 00:17:28,151
in a wheelchair by the duck pond,

399
00:17:28,176 --> 00:17:30,176
and she is not gonna sleep forever.

400
00:17:31,332 --> 00:17:32,767
I hope.

401
00:17:33,230 --> 00:17:34,468
Why are you doing this?

402
00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:36,488
I thought Don was
handling the nurse stuff.

403
00:17:36,513 --> 00:17:37,972
Don handed it off to me.

404
00:17:38,024 --> 00:17:39,390
Which I knew he would.

405
00:17:39,475 --> 00:17:42,810
Oh, this is working
out just like I planned.

406
00:17:43,239 --> 00:17:44,945
Oh, so all that stuff

407
00:17:44,981 --> 00:17:47,544
about him being the
favorite was to trick him.

408
00:17:47,569 --> 00:17:49,450
No, no, that part's true.

409
00:17:49,919 --> 00:17:53,154
I just didn't want to hurt his
feelings by asking you first.

410
00:17:53,557 --> 00:17:56,174
Well, I'm glad we're not
hurting people's feelings.

411
00:17:56,471 --> 00:17:58,242
Hey, look, Dad, we all know

412
00:17:58,327 --> 00:18:00,077
that this knee surgery
is gonna be tough,

413
00:18:00,163 --> 00:18:01,662
and you're gonna need some help.

414
00:18:01,714 --> 00:18:04,110
Okay, okay, you're
always looking out for me.

415
00:18:04,135 --> 00:18:05,527
I'm just gonna grab a
drink from the kitchen,

416
00:18:05,551 --> 00:18:07,062
- and then we can get started.
- Mm-hmm.

417
00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:10,337
Uh, uh... mm, uh...

418
00:18:10,390 --> 00:18:12,679
Damn, I guess that only works on Donny.

419
00:18:13,179 --> 00:18:14,141
Listen,

420
00:18:14,177 --> 00:18:17,029
you need a nurse, but
nobody can argue with you,

421
00:18:17,171 --> 00:18:19,530
so I'm gonna have to appeal
to your better nature.

422
00:18:19,755 --> 00:18:22,076
That's why I'm calling
in my teammate, Andi.

423
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:23,942
I knew you would ask her to do it.

424
00:18:23,967 --> 00:18:27,521
Ah. I pull all the
strings in this family.

425
00:18:28,489 --> 00:18:30,668
Nothing she says is
gonna change my mind.

426
00:18:30,693 --> 00:18:32,278
I'm not getting a damn nurse!

427
00:18:32,303 --> 00:18:36,030
Okay, let's just see how
you do in the hands of a mom.

428
00:18:37,067 --> 00:18:38,189
Joe.

429
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:45,005
I love you, and I just...
just want you to make me proud.

430
00:18:45,041 --> 00:18:47,174
What are you, my Little League coach?

431
00:18:48,047 --> 00:18:50,711
I believe you have
it in you to try this,

432
00:18:50,797 --> 00:18:54,215
because, well, you're
the bravest man I know.

433
00:18:55,453 --> 00:18:57,719
- That's powerful because it's true.
- Yeah.

434
00:18:58,477 --> 00:19:00,521
And you know the real
reason to get a nurse

435
00:19:00,556 --> 00:19:02,185
is to lighten the load for Bev,

436
00:19:02,210 --> 00:19:04,965
and I know you'd do
anything for your wife.

437
00:19:06,528 --> 00:19:08,762
Fine, I'll have a nurse.

438
00:19:08,787 --> 00:19:11,865
No take-backs. Ha! We got him.

439
00:19:12,318 --> 00:19:13,984
But I won't be nice to him.

440
00:19:14,070 --> 00:19:17,003
Oh, yay! I'm so glad I got this job.

441
00:19:18,167 --> 00:19:19,874
Let me tell you, this
isn't gonna be easy.

442
00:19:19,909 --> 00:19:23,577
He's been real touchy since
his pot guy retired to Orlando.

443
00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:26,846
It was medical marijuana. I
only used it for my glaucoma

444
00:19:26,871 --> 00:19:28,871
and your mother's boring stories.

445
00:19:29,969 --> 00:19:33,198
I, too, am a big
believer in Vitamin Weed.

446
00:19:33,589 --> 00:19:35,589
You should know, if I'm your nurse,

447
00:19:35,641 --> 00:19:38,092
I won't be able to pass a drug test.

448
00:19:39,262 --> 00:19:40,932
The good news is,

449
00:19:41,127 --> 00:19:42,763
neither will you.

450
00:19:44,322 --> 00:19:45,882
I like him.

451
00:19:46,252 --> 00:19:49,065
But no taking my
temperature the baby way.

452
00:19:55,578 --> 00:19:56,876
I don't know what these buttons do,

453
00:19:56,900 --> 00:19:58,860
but I just knocked your ass out.

454
00:20:01,463 --> 00:20:02,892
Hey, Funchy.

455
00:20:03,041 --> 00:20:05,388
What are you doing here? He
hasn't had his surgery yet.

456
00:20:05,413 --> 00:20:07,720
I brought over a little
pre-op medicine...

457
00:20:07,755 --> 00:20:09,239
if you know what I mean.

458
00:20:10,596 --> 00:20:13,081
I could smell what you
mean from the side walk.

459
00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:14,643
Why did you call me?

460
00:20:14,668 --> 00:20:16,526
There's a hair ball in my shower drain

461
00:20:16,551 --> 00:20:18,518
and I hear you're good at fixing that.

462
00:20:18,955 --> 00:20:19,959
Oh, no problem.

463
00:20:19,984 --> 00:20:21,584
- Let me just get a drink first.
- Yeah.

464
00:20:26,289 --> 00:20:27,757
It's the perfect trick.

465
00:20:27,829 --> 00:20:29,869
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